Category: Sexual Satisfaction

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Just Thinking Differently About Sexual Compatibility May Help a Dry Spell

By MIKE MCRAE

Psychologists have investigated two contrasting beliefs about the nature of sexual satisfaction, to find out which is more likely to help couples better navigate sexual compatibility.

Desire for sex with a new love interest typically starts strong and then wanes over time. Priorities rearrange, small incompatibilities become big ones, and the energy that comes with new relationships can be replaced by other virtues.

For some, a desire to maintain sexual intimacy requires a growth mindset that invests in an ongoing effort to overcome these challenges.

Others are more fatalistic, believing it primarily takes natural compatibility to keep the chemistry alive.

When it comes to overcoming sexual differences, the consequences of each belief have been investigated in the past, but their impact on our ability to negotiate relationships when the loss of sex gives way to depression and anxiety has not been fully appreciated.

So, a small group of psychologists from around the world carried out a longitudinal study on 97 couples where a female partner was diagnosed with significantly low levels of desire and arousal, to find how the partners’ beliefs correlated with changes in their sexual wellbeing.

Couples completed a baseline survey at the start of the study, and a follow-up one year later. After a few break-ups and non-completion of surveys were taken into account, the team had full data from 66 couples on things like sexual desire, frequency, conflict, and satisfaction, as well as incomplete data from 6 couples where only one partner submitted the follow-up survey.

Comparing the statistics revealed a few things about how we deal with sexual struggles as a relationship progresses. The researchers labelled the two beliefs “sexual growth belief” (it takes work) and “sexual destiny belief” (it’s natural compatibility).

For example, among the women with a diagnosis of low sexual desire – clinically referred to as Female Sexual Interest/Arousal Disorder (FSIAD) – a view that sexual satisfaction is all about natural chemistry was initially correlated with lower relationship satisfaction and higher conflict.

It was no picnic for their partner either. If they held similar beliefs, they too reported lower satisfaction in their relationship.

Among those with FSIAD who held sexual growth beliefs, sexual desire was a touch higher. Yet for their partners, desire was low, at least compared with partners in the group who believed sexual desire was more destined than designed.

Interestingly, that year seemed to make some difference. Whatever those initial beliefs were, the couples who completed the study generally experienced improvements in their sexual desire.

Partners with FSIAD were noting a significant improvement in desire and lower levels of depression, even though barely one in ten were seeking treatment.

This is good news, implying couples who have reason to stick it out will more than likely go through periods of improved sexual desire.

Overall, the results hint that having a growth mindset when it comes to sex could help a couple work through dry spells. Having a view that chemistry is key, on the other hand, initially adds to the stress and might even compound it by building a sense of helplessness.

“The findings demonstrate that in most cases, sexual destiny beliefs are associated with lower sexual, relationship, and personal well-being when coping with the women’s low desire, whereas sexual growth beliefs are linked to better well-being,” the authors conclude.

As is so often the case with psychology research, there’s a bunch of caveats and contexts to keep in mind.

Over 77 percent of the couples studied, for example, were in mixed-sex relationships and identified as straight (the sample did also include bisexual participants and people with other sexual orientations); most were married or living together, restricting the outcomes to couples who were relatively domestic. They also had to have been in a committed relationship with their partner for at least six months.

Most importantly, the research focused on female partners who were chronically distressed by a loss of sexual appetite.

That doesn’t mean there’s no sage advice for the rest of us. With this in mind, the research could help many couples to focus not just on the practicalities, but their beliefs about sex and compatibility, when it comes to finding ways to deal with changes in their sex lives.

“Sexual growth and destiny beliefs may be important to the sexual narratives that people hold about compatibility with their partner, and also their understanding of their agency in coping with a sexual difficulty to mitigate distress,” the authors write.

This research was published in The Journal of Sex Research.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Everything You Need to Know About Sexual Styles

—Including How They Affect Your Relationships

By Rebecca Norris

The term “sexual styles” might first make you think of images of popular sex positions. In actuality, the phrase refers to the way in which you regard sex. Like love languages, sexual styles play a key role in how satisfied you are with your sex life (and life at large). Not sure what your sexual style is? Keep reading to learn everything you need to know about them.

What are sex styles?

Relationship and sex therapist Carolina Pataky, LFMT, the co-founder of the Love Discovery Institute in Florida, says that a lot affects how we connect on an individual level within relationships. “For some, building a personal, emotional connection comes first,” she says. “For others, it’s letting the sexual chemistry play a role in how the relationship transforms and develops.” That said, Pataky points out that a relationship’s initial amount of passion tends to last only from six months up to two years.

That’s why knowing your sexual style is so beneficial. “The key to maintaining a healthy, sexual life with your partner is to create a sexual style that fits in your relationship with you and your partner to enhance the intimacy, desire, and connection between the two to continue growing and developing a healthy relationship,” she explains, noting that it plays into the entire duration of a relationship. Find out how to discover your sexual style is, below.

Complementary

This is the most common sex style. According to award-winning sexologist Goody Howard, the complementary sexual style focuses on both partners initiating sex acts, as well as other less sexual forms of intimacy (such as meaningful communication). “It’s a balance of personal pleasure and couple intimacy where both partners are responsible for initiation and intimacy,” she explains.

Tacking onto this, Pataky says that having a complementary sex style means that both you and your partner are vocal about your sexual needs. “Couples who act on this type of sexual style value intimacy and eroticism in a balanced form and have the confidence and comfort to act out on their sexual fantasies,” she says.

Pataky says that this sexual style comes with a downside, though. “Some couples may fall into treating sex as a routine versus maintaining the passion needed to maintain a healthy sex life,” she says. “In some cases, couples who have had a baby tend to get caught up in the parenting life, losing their value within their personal life, which causes them to lose intimacy and playfulness in eroticism.”

Traditional

The traditional sexual style—which is also very popular—is all about gender roles. “The masculine partner initiates and the feminine partner is responsible for intimacy (nonsexual love),” Howard explains. (Note that anybody, of any gender, can feel masculine or feminine.)

Although this sex style is known for its stability, security, and clarity, Pataky says that it can lead to trouble down the road. If the masculine partner is responsible for initiating sexual acts, that can lead the feminine partner to feel unwanted if sex drives start to dwindle. And, since the feminine partner is “responsible” for intimate communication, it won’t be discussed until they bring it up.

Soulmate

The soulmate sexual style is best described as being best friends and partners. “Couples share intimacy and erotic pleasure at an almost cellular level that accepts the good, bad, and ugly of each person,” Howard says.

In that way, the soulmate sexual style is heavily based in validation and acceptance. “It entails sharing intimate moments and eroticism with your partner, both sides accepting each other—faults and all—as well as giving each additional validation from emotional and sexual standpoints,” Pataky explains.

In learning so much about a partner, though, the soulmate sex style can lead to de-eroticizing each other, Pataky warns. “You can end up feeling disappointed by your partner if they fail to meet unrealistic expectations, such as being unable to cope successfully if affairs occur,” she explains.

Emotionally expressive

While being emotionally open is a fantastic trait, the emotionally expressive sex style refers to passionate, yet volatile relationships. “[People with this style] use sex to resolve conflict and connect emotionally, so it burns hot, bright, and fast,” Howard explains. Pataky notes that couples with this style tend to be playful and open to sexual experimentation. “They are highly erotic and show high amounts of intensity for sex,” she says.

The problem is, when you rely solely on sex as a coping mechanism—instead of actually discussing issues that arise—these relationships often fizzle out or implode. “Couples can become too emotional, and their sexual drama can emotionally and physically drain their bond, potentially threatening their stability,” Pataky explains. “They usually use sex to avoid their issues in the relationship, which can wear their partners out both emotionally and physically.”

What’s my sexual style?

Sex styles aren’t something you choose; instead, they’re about how you show up (and react) in your relationships. “If you like to initiate and receive advances, you’re probably a complementary style; if you prefer to only initiate or only receive advances, you’re probably more of a traditional sex style,” Howard says. People who prefer to be super connected emotionally to their partners are likely soulmate folks. As for someone who enjoys passion and drama in their sexual connections? Most likely an emotionally expressive person.

Are all sexual styles compatible?

While there’s no hard and fast rule for this, Howard says that partners with the same style tend to work best together. (“If styles were to co-mingle, though, I think complementary and soulmate styles would be the most successful,” she adds.)

Sexual styles go beyond sex

Sex styles impact more than just physical acts of sex. For the soulmate style, Howard says that an emotional connection is almost as important as sex. As such, their relationship, and emotions toward it as a whole, can play into how satisfied they feel during sex.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, Howard points out that emotionally expressive folks typically avoid emotional intimacy with sex. Instead, it’s all about the act. As for complementary and traditional types, that’s where the  emotional balance and engagement come into play—hence why they’re the two most popular sex styles.

Wherever you fall, Pataky says that getting to know which sexual style works for you will help you find the partnership that fulfills you the most. “[Discovering your sexual style is] ideal in creating those intimate moments special to you since not every sexual style is perfect for every couple,” she explains. “You have to discover the likes and dislikes of each partner, your desires, and your feelings and values—and select the balance of intimacy and eroticism that will enhance the sexual desires within the relationship.”

Can a person’s sexual style change over time?

Although people don’t initially choose their sex style, Howards says that, over time, they can focus on what they want and grow in that direction. “Similar to a person’s palate for food, pleasure scripts can also change and evolve throughout the lifespan,” she says. “This includes, but is not limited to sexual style.” So if you tended to be emotionally expressive or soulmate-oriented in your 20s, you might find more fulfillment in a more stable complementary or traditional bond as you age.

Ultimately, developing your sexual style goes hand-in-hand with long-term satisfaction. “When choosing a sexual style, the essential thing is to be mindful of any vulnerabilities in all the sexual types to avoid subverting a couple’s sexuality,” Pataky says—hence why she’s quick to acknowledge the downsides of each. “The critical thing is to emphasize all the strengths in your chosen sexual style and not be ashamed or embarrassed to celebrate your sexual desires with your partner as you explore your options together.”

That said, it’s also important to understand the role that sex should play in your relationships—or, at least, relationships that you hope to withstand the test of time. “Keep in mind that you want to choose a style that’s mutually accepted, facilitating satisfaction, pleasure, and sexual desires,” Pataky says. “Sexuality should have a role of about 15 to 20 percent in your relationship to help the vitality and your sexual happiness.”

One more thing

Sex styles aren’t the most heavily-researched topic in the advancement of sexual education. “I’d like to see some research on the prevalence of sexual style by community, orientation, gender identity, socioeconomic status, and so on,” Howard says. “Everything I read about this theory was from white, educated women and it was extremely heteronormative.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Enjoying Sex, One of Life’s Not-so-Simple Pleasures

by Brittany Foster

“There were nights of endless pleasure. It was more than any laws allow.”

Celine Dion’s “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now” is a classic. As I sang along, I couldn’t help but wonder, what kind of sex is Celine Dion having, and where can I sign up? One of life’s greatest pleasures is pleasure itself, but why can this sometimes feel impossible to achieve?

Living with a rare disease can feel like a hindrance to achieving an orgasm. Emotional dysregulation, physical pain, and loss of libido frustratingly complicate that toe-curling and back-arching feeling of whole-body bliss.

Although I am still wondering what the secret is to having those “nights of endless pleasure,” I have learned more about myself and my body in the last few years, which has helped strengthen my ability to have an orgasm. I’ve learned the importance of listening to my body, respecting and trusting my physical cues, and getting in touch with myself.

Some days, it is easier for me to ignore my body. Listening to it would mean that I have to acknowledge the hurt and pain. There was a long period of my life when I chose not to listen to my body. I was afraid of admitting when things felt too painful. I distanced myself from my body, and that strategy seemed to work. Ignorance was bliss until it wasn’t.

Numbing myself physically and emotionally just created a larger disconnect between my body and mind. This distance doesn’t help when it comes to physical pleasure and sex. Eventually, I started paying attention to how my body felt in the moment. Focusing on the most sensitive areas helped me to be present and created less distance between my body and mind.

Not only is listening to my body helpful when it comes to achieving powerful orgasms, but trust and respect are equally important. Trusting and respecting myself are half the battle. With rare disease and chronic illness, it is not uncommon to feel upset at my body for being so untrustworthy. My body is inconsistent, deceiving, and unpredictable.

If these were qualities of a partner, it would feel toxic. Instead of focusing on these inconsistencies, I’ve found it helpful to practice gratitude for the things my body can do every day, even if it’s a small victory. When it comes to pleasure, it’s necessary for me to have self-confidence and appreciation for what my body is capable of.

Mind-blowing orgasms can’t happen without communication. For me to communicate what my needs are, I first have to understand them myself. Getting in touch with myself and my physical desires has made a difference in the way I talk about my needs with a partner. It has given me confidence to speak up, which is something I have always struggled with.

Self-exploration is vital when it comes to pleasure. I have experimented with different lubrication, pressure, speeds, temperatures, textures, vibrations, and more. What feels right in one moment might not be suitable for another. Making time for myself and learning about my body are forms of self-care that shouldn’t be so shameful to talk about.

I may not be at the level of “nights of endless pleasure” yet, but I have had hours of it broken up into multiple rounds. Sexual pleasure does not always come easily, especially for those living with rare and chronic illness. I have had to shorten the disconnect between my body and mind, learn to trust that my body was capable of more, and had to explore what felt right.

Even though I am living with a rare disease, I still deserve to enjoy one of life’s simple pleasures: pleasure itself.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Mindfulness During Sex Means More Orgasms

— Here’s What to Know

Being Aware of Your Body and Emotions Will Lead to Better Pleasure, Says Experts

By Rebecca Strong
As new research sheds light on the many mental, physical, and emotional benefits of staying fully present, more and more people have been making it a point to prioritize the art of mindfulness. And as it turns out, mindfulness can also play a big part in boosting a person’s sex life.

According to a 2021 study of mixed-sex married couples, research found that maintaining awareness and non-judgment in the bedroom led to better sexual well-being and harmony, as well as greater relationship growth. Not only that, but husbands’ awareness during sexual activity was linked to more consistent orgasms among their wives. If that’s not a hard sell, we don’t know what is.

But what exactly does mindfulness during sex look like? According to Dr. Justin Lehmiller, resident sex researcher at ASTROGLIDE and research fellow at The Kinsey Institute, it’s about being fully “tuned in” to the experience. In other words, not letting your mind wander to your to-do list or what you’re making for dinner while your partner is going down on you.

“As applied to sex, mindfulness involves being aware of your body sensations, emotions, and thoughts without judging them,” says Lehmiller. “Research has uncovered a number of benefits of mindfulness during sex. Among other things, it can increase desire for sex, enhance sexual functioning, and improve sexual satisfaction.”

Gigi Engle, a certified sex educator and sex expert for SKYN, notes that mindfulness can help to strengthen the brain-body connection, thus making it easier for you to climax.

“When you spend time paying attention to and relaxing the body, you take energy away from the left side of the brain — which is responsible for mental chatter and all those repetitive thoughts — and engage the right side of the brain, which is more in touch with the body,” she explains to AskMen.

This probably sounds way too good to be true, right? Well, if your interest is piqued, we’ve got expert-approved details on how to incorporate mindfulness into your sex life the right way.

Signs Your Sex Life Would Benefit From Mindfulness

Experts agree that anyone sex life can improve with a little more mindfulness. Below, you’ll find some signs that you and your partner might need to make this a priority in the bedroom.

One or Both of You Keeps Getting Distracted

Having trouble staying focused on the act at hand? It’s normal to have your mind wander once in a while during sex, but if those distracting thoughts are preventing you from staying aroused, having an orgasm, or feeling connected to your partner, Lehmiller says that’s a red flag.

“Mindfulness has the potential to help with a very wide range of sexual difficulties, and can sometimes augment other treatments and therapeutic approaches,” he explains.

Sex Feels Routine

If it feels like you’re going through the motions every time you and your partner have sex, it’s likely because one or both of you aren’t staying in the moment. That mundaneness is leading you to resort to old habits rather than allowing curiosity and pleasure to drive new experiences.

“When partners aren’t fully present, sex gets habitual,” says Engle. “This then registers as a drop of physical dissatisfaction — and eventually the possibility of resentment in your unconscious mind. Over time, those drops accumulate until they can fill a bucket, at which point the sex in a relationship begins to fizzle out. If you approach your sex exactly like you approach meditation: with intention, generosity, savoring, a willingness to slow down and relax into it, and a resolve to return from distraction when it naturally happens, sex can become through-the-roof ecstatic, and even that then deepens over time.”

You Can’t Remember the Last Time You and Your Partner Talked About Sex

Communication is crucial to a healthy, satisfying sex life. Do you and your partner often share with each other what’s working (or not working) between the sheets? Do you reflect on sexual experiences you have or share fantasies about things you’d like to try?

According to Shameless Therapy sex therapist Jackie Golob, MS, not being able to communicate with each other before, during, and after sex can signal a lack of mindfulness.

How to Improve Mindfulness During Sex

According to certified sex educator and sex coach Suzannah Weiss, it all starts outside the bedroom. She recommends making it a point to practice mindfulness throughout your daily life — such as by paying attention to how your washcloth feels against your skin in the shower, or how the breeze feels against your face on your walk around your neighborhood. Move through all five senses on your commute, honing in on what you see, hear, smell, touch, and taste.

“Sit in a chair for 10-15 minutes per day and practice tuning into your physical sensations,” adds Lehmiller. “What are you feeling throughout your body? When thoughts cross your mind, acknowledge them and let them go — and keep turning back to the sensations.”

Below, experts share a few more strategies for incorporating mindfulness while getting frisky.

Engage in an Imago Dialogue

Imago relationship therapy is a specific style of relationship therapy aimed at helping couples cultivate understanding and connect more deeply. And according to Shlomo Slatkin, a licensed clinical professional counselor and certified IRT therapist, this method can actually be immensely helpful for boosting mindfulness in the bedroom. He suggests following an IRT dialogue technique to communicate with your partner about your sex life.

“Intimacy is such a sensitive issue for couples, it’s really important that each of you as individuals feels safe in your conversation with each other,” he explains. “The Imago dialogue, with its ‘scripted’ model of communicating is the perfect way to create safety to discuss such a sensitive topic.”

How does it work, you ask? Slatkin advises scheduling a time with your partner to talk about your intimacy. When it’s time to talk, clear the clutter from your bedroom, put on comfortable clothing, and sit down so you can look into each other’s eyes. From there, you or your partner can take turns sharing one thing you enjoy or need from the other. The listener mirrors what they said back to the other partner with no judgment.

For example, “Let me see if I understand. You’re saying you feel like our sex is rushed, and you’d like to take your time with more foreplay?” Active listening in this way can help you to gain a stronger understanding of each other’s perspectives.

“You may be pleasantly surprised to learn more about what your partner desires and what would make them feel good,” says Slatkin. “That’s the beauty of the Imago dialogue.”

Try Mindful Masturbation

Focusing on mindfulness during your solo pleasure sessions can help you then translate those skills into partner sex.

“Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do for our partner sexually is to know yourself sexually,” adds Nikki Nolet a licensed marriage/family therapist and founder of Relationships Redefined. “Imagine having the knowledge to guide your partner towards pleasuring yourself, rather than leaving it to them to guess at what pleases you. Plus, being aware of your own turn-ons can then, in turn, be a huge turn-on for your partner.”

For this approach, put away any distractions while masturbating (yes, that includes porn), and try to tune into every sensation you’re feeling. Take it slow, and if you feel you’re unable to maintain that mind-body connection, try touching yourself elsewhere on your body to jolt your system and snap back to attention.

Keep Your Eyes Open and the Lights On

While there’s nothing inherently wrong with closing your eyes during sex, or dimming the lights beforehand, relationship expert psychologist and sex therapist Tatyana Dyachenko says switching things up can go a long way in terms of promoting mindfulness.

“When you close our eyes it’s easier for your mind to wander,” she explains. “Having the lights on and your eyes open helps to keep you out of autopilot mode.”

Experiment With Sensation Play

If you and your partner are both open to it, Engle recommends incorporating sensation play — using items like a feather and an ice cube — into sex. These kinds of tools can really help enhance mindfulness during a romp because they heighten physical sensations on your skin.

However, if props aren’t your thing, you can still bring more awareness to your sexual experiences.

“While your partner gently touches your body, tune into everything from the feel of their breath on your skin to variations in touch pressure to changes in your heart or breathing rate,” says Lehmiller.

Just Take Notice

Noticing what’s turning you on (and what isn’t), and then communicating those observations to your partner in the moment, is key, says Golob. First, just make a mental note of what feels good, sharing what you’re noticing by saying, “that feels so good,” or “I like that a lot, don’t stop.” after. If something doesn’t feel good, try to frame it in a positive way by commending your partner for something else you preferred.

Reduce Any “Sexpectations”

When there’s too much pressure on achieving an orgasm, experts say it becomes very difficult to stay present during sex due to focusing only on the end goal. Sadly, that can actually end up sabotaging your ability to enjoy the experience, let alone being able to finish.

“The thought that every sexual encounter should end in orgasm triggers shame, blame, and guilt if you don’t,” says Golob. “Orgasm is not the goal of sex, pleasure is the goal of sex. We need to remember to reduce sexpectations and not judge ourselves or partners if things don’t happen as we may have wanted.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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We’re having less sex because we’re too busy, not because of social media

Research suggests that adults and teenagers are having less sex now than 30 years ago. But is there more to the story, and why does it matter anyway?

 

By

Adults and young people in the US seem to be having less sex than previous generations, according to a study published in November 2021. As is often the case, mobile phones have been named as the cause of this change in behaviour, but is that really what’s going on?

This finding was based on data from the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior (NSSHB), comparing over 8,500 individuals responses from 2009 and 2018.

The results echoed a similar study in the UK, called the National Surveys of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal), which has been collecting information about the public’s sexual experiences for over three decades.

The Natsal researchers have found that with every survey, the average number of occasions of sex per week has decreased: in 1991, respondents said they had sex five times a month. In 2001, this was down to four times per month, and by 2012, the average number was three per month. Unfortunately, the fourth survey was postponed due to COVID-19, though the team hope to complete the study in 2022-23.

When asked if Brits are having less sex, Soazig Clifton, the academic director for Natsal at University College London, replied with “a resounding yes”. But it’s not just the case in the UK and the US. “If you look around the world, other comparable studies show a decrease as well. So, it seems to be a real international trend.”

Studies in Germany looking at sexual activity in men and women showed a decline from 2005 to 2016, which the researchers suggest could be due to “a reduced proportion of [individuals] living with a partner”. But Clifton says that extracting the data of only cohabiting couples, Natsal researchers still found a decrease in sexual activity over the three studies.

Both the Natsal UK study and the US NSSHB study split findings between adolescents and adults. Both found that the two groups were having less sex. For teens in particular, the US researchers found a significant difference in the instances of heterosexual sex – in 2009, 79 per cent of those between the ages 14-17 said they had not had sex in the past year. Nearly a decade later, 89 per cent of adolescents reported no sex.

Why aren’t the kids doing it?

Some have asked whether this could be down to young adults’ penchant (and perhaps preference) for social media and video gaming. Clifton warns that observational studies, like Natsal and NSSHB, “can’t easily answer the ‘why’ questions”.

“It is certainly theoretically plausible that people are spending so much time on their iPads and phones, connecting with others virtually rather than having sex with the person next to them,” says Clifton.

But it’s also possible that people feel more comfortable talking about sex now, compared with the 1990s, says Clifton. “Maybe people are more able to tell us that they’re not having sex. There is some statistical work we’ve done that shows we have a bit less reporting bias in our data. These decreases in biases would go along with the increased, more nuanced public conversation about sex.” However, Clifton explains this wouldn’t solely account for such a striking trend, though admits it might be part of the problem.

The idea that we are too busy – with phones, games or life in general – has been the subject of smaller, qualitative work by the Natsal. “The researchers worked with middle-aged women,” says Clifton. “And something that came up in that research was that women were too tired for sex. They had so much else going on in their life.”

“We looked at the first lockdown, which was particularly restrictive, and the impact on sex lives was really different for different groups of people.” The Natsal-COVID study showed that for people living with a partner, the frequency of sex was roughly the same as before the lockdown.

“In fact, most people didn’t report a change in their satisfaction with their sex lives. Some people say to me, ‘everyone will be having more sex because they were locked in a house together’. It’s just not the case.

“However, we were more likely to see a decline in frequency and satisfaction amongst people not living with partners, and amongst young people,” says Clifton.

Satisfaction, not frequency, is key, says Clifton. Prior to the pandemic, Natsal researchers found that most people believed others were having more frequent sex than they were having themselves. This misalignment could cause dissatisfaction in itself, one Natsal researcher wrote.

Why does it matter how much sex people are having?

“It’s part of the picture of understanding society, along with other areas of health and behaviours in our population,” says Clifton.

“Sometimes [sexual activity] gets dismissed as being less important than other aspects of people’s lives. For some people, it’s a really important part of their life.”

These studies are even more important in countries with related problems, like declining birth rates. “Some of the countries who have also seen the decline in sex are quite worried about their declining birth rate – understanding patterns of sexual behaviour and frequency of sex are an important part of that puzzle.

“The Natsal study covers a wide range of topics related to sexual health, much more than just how often people are having sex. We cover things like nonconsensual sex, STIs, and different reproductive health outcomes.”

In the UK, Clifton says that there are those that would like to be having more sex, though most participants who reported having no sex in the past year said they were not dissatisfied with their sexual lives. For couples and the importance of sex for sustaining relationships, Clifton says there is some evidence it’s quality, not quantity, that matters.

“We don’t need to be worried about whether our relationship is going to fall apart [because of it].”

In fact, 25 per cent of men and women who are in a relationship reported that they do not share the same level of interest in sex as their partner. What we see in the media, Clifton says, is a misrepresentation of what’s normal in terms of sex. Instead of making people feel bad about their sex lives, understanding averages can help us feel happier with what we’ve got, three times a month.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is The ‘Seven-Year Itch’ Actually A Real Thing?

It’s probs more common than you think.

By Madeline Howard

Look, it’s totally normal to feel a sense of stagnation—a seven-year itch, if you will—if you’re in a long-term relationship or marriage. Being with another person for an entire lifetime is no joke, people.

But what is the seven-year itch, exactly? In short, it’s the notion that after seven years of marriage (or a long AF relationship), you start to get unhappy with your partner, says Gigi Engle, resident Womanizer sexologist and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life.

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While it’s normal to feel a little…itchy…after a while, there’s no alarm that goes after seven years on the dot. “The idea that you’d feel this way at some innocuous point in time is complete BS,” says Engle. “You’re not going to get bored in your marriage or your sex life if you commit to keeping it fresh and interesting.” Problem is, it’s all too easy for your relationship to fall to the bottom of your priority list as you juggle work, kids, and other, more pressing, responsibilities. It happens, but it doesn’t need to.

So how can you prevent or resolve this kind of relationship slump? Read on for expert-approved tips that will keep your itch from developing into a full-on rash.

1. Get a second opinion

Before you jump to any conclusions about whether or not you’re fed up with your current long-term relationship, Brito suggests consulting a therapist or close friend about your situation. Sometimes it’s hard to see the *real* problem from the inside, and talking it out with a third-party allows you to sort through any messy feelings before you articulate them to your partner.

2. Write it out

It’s also helpful to journal your feelings, says Brito. Writing your thoughts down offers clarity without having to dish them out loud or drop major $$ on therapy. What do you love about your partner? What went wrong? Be honest about the positives and negatives here. Your journal doesn’t judge.

3. Don’t be shy

Communicating your needs is a crucial part of maintaining a healthy long-term relationship, says Brito. If you want to bring up feelings of stagnation to your S.O., she suggests going about it verrry carefully. Use ‘I statements’ that make you accountable for the feelings you’re having and avoid placing blame on your partner. Focus on listening to your partner’s unmet emotional needs when it’s their turn to talk without becoming defensive. This goes both ways, K?

4. Consider couples counseling

If you decide that the relationship is worth fighting for, Brito suggests booking recurring couples therapy sessions. Doing so will help the two of you create a plan for moving forward with the help of an expert. You’ll also have a calm, unbiased moderator for when uncomfortable or heated discussions inevitably arise.

5. Or sex therapy

If your issues are mostly bedroom-based, look into a therapist who specializes in sex. Yes, they exist! If you’ve tried exploring physical intimacy on your own, and it hasn’t panned out, there’s no shame in getting a little bit of outside help. “As a team, you can find solutions that don’t result in an affair or a breakup,” says Engle.

6. Try an open relationship

This one def isn’t for every couple, but some feel that they need to go outside of the relationship in order to add spice to their sex lives, and you’re better off doing so together if that’s the case.

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Exploring the boundaries of an open relationship, polyamory, or threesomes are a viable solution to feelings of sexual boredom, if agreed upon by both parties. “This newfound aspect of your relationship can look like anything you want,” Engle explains. “What’s important is that you discuss your desires and fantasies with your partner.” From there, make sure you establish some ground rules. Threesomes only? No friends? No kissing? That’s the difference between honest openness and an affair that ruins everything.

7. Explore with toys or kink

Shop for vibrators, handcuffs, and lingerie with your S.O. online or in-store. Surprises have their place, but shopping together will build up excitement. Talk to your partner about what you’ve been wanting to add to your routine—a productive and sexy convo.

8. Try role-playing

If you read #6 and thought, never in a million years, there are other ways to introduce an element of excitement into your ‘ship. Role-playing is a classic, and you can scale up or scale down depending on your comfort level. Example: Start with some dirty talk before splurging on costumes, or pretend to be your younger self if you’re improv skills feel a little rusty. Where did you meet seven years ago?

9. Schedule sex

No one likes to hear this, but scheduling sex can be a great solution to a dry spell—and even hot! Think about it: You have all day to get in the mood and you’re less likely to be stressed and distracted because, well, you planned for this.

Other experts agree that the seven-year itch isn’t really a set point in time when your relationship is doomed to collapse, but instead an idea that represents how you and your long-term bae aren’t on the same wavelength. “Some couples get stuck in dysfunctional patterns that make them feel disconnected and listless,” says Janet Brito, PhD, a clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist in Honolulu, Hawaii. “Some may desire to end their relationship while others will remain together, work through it, and grow stronger as a result.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Female sexuality and the ‘orgasm gap’ are coming to the forefront of conversations during worldwide lockdowns

While men orgasm 85% of the time they have sex on average, women only reach climax 63% of the time.

By Lindsay Dodgson

  • Female pleasure appears to be coming to the forefront of conversations around sex during the coronavirus pandemic.
  • Emjoy, an app that helps women learn more about their sexuality and needs, has seen a 160% increase in use since worldwide lockdowns began.
  • Insider spoke to sex and relationship experts about why this might be.
  • For starters, couples or single people who are socially distancing have more time to spend in their own company and work out what they like.
  • Couples who are isolating together may also be able to devote time to what they want to improve about their sex lives.

Sex is a pretty big topic of conversation right now, either because you’re stuck inside with a partner with little else to do, or you’re isolating alone and can’t have any.

Female pleasure appears to be a particular focus due to apps that provide information about women’s needs, and Facebook ads popping up for research centers like OMGYES which are exploring the specific ways women enjoy sexual touch.

Emjoy, an app that helps women learn more about their bodies and what they like through audio, has seen a 160% increase in use since worldwide lockdowns began.

“Being home for so long, people are looking for new resources to incorporate new healthy habits to their routines,” Emjoy’s CEO and cofounder Andrea Oliver told Insider. “Some of us have so much more free time in our hands, so we might as well put it to good use. And what better use than a good, dopamine-infused session of self-love?”

Time alone can make us face things we’ve been ignoring

Intimacy expert Dr Shirin Lakhani, from the Elite Aesthetics clinic, told Insider she’s seen many more social media posts about the “orgasm gap” and women’s sexual needs during lockdown, and has been contacted by many women who are worried about their libido or inability to climax.

“For many people, being in this lockdown situation has exacerbated a lot of things, including stress, poor diet and lifestyle, excess alcohol, and drug intake, which can all affect orgasms, or lack of them,” she said.

“On the other hand it has also resulted in people being forced to spend more time than usual at home with their partner and have more sex than usual, which in turn makes concerns such as the orgasm gap more noticeable and in time become more of an issue of concern.”

Relationship coach Sarah Louise Ryan told Insider many couples might be forced to think about whether they really are satisfied with their sex lives while isolating together.

“We often put our needs not being met down to many other factors in usual circumstances,” she said. “We talk about being too busy, we buy into the idea that sex is another one of those things we should fit into our calendars, we blame our lack of sexual fulfillment on not having the time and patience for exploration or stresses of external factors such as children, finances, or juggling it all.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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People Have Been Having Less Sex

— Whether They’re Teenagers or 40-Somethings

Among the young, social media, gaming and “rough sex” may contribute to this trend

By Emily Willingham

Human sexual activity affects cognitive function, health, happiness and overall quality of life—and, yes, there is also the matter of reproduction. The huge range of benefits is one reason researchers have become alarmed at declines in sexual activity around the world, from Japan to Europe to Australia. A recent study evaluating what is happening in the U.S. has added to the pile of evidence, showing declines from 2009 to 2018 in all forms of partnered sexual activity, including penile-vaginal intercourse, anal sex and partnered masturbation. The findings show that adolescents report less solo masturbation as well.

The decreases “aren’t trivial,” as the authors wrote in the study, published on November 19 in Archives of Sexual Behavior. Between 2009 and 2018, the proportion of adolescents reporting no sexual activity, either alone or with partners, rose from 28.8 percent to 44.2 percent among young men and from 49.5 percent in 2009 to 74 percent among young women. The researchers obtained the self-reported information from the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior and used responses from 4,155 people in 2009 and 4,547 people in 2018. These respondents to the confidential survey ranged in age from 14 to 49 years.

The study itself did not probe the reasons for this trend. But Scientific American spoke with its first author Debby Herbenick, a professor at the Indiana University School of Public Health–Bloomington, and Tsung-chieh (Jane) Fu, a co-author of the paper and a research associate at the school, about underlying factors that might explain these changes.

[An edited transcript of the interview follows.]

Given that research in other parts of the world has already indicated decreases in partnered sex, what do your recent findings add to the picture?

HERBENICK: Our study tracks the declines, too, and extends the research because Jane [Fu] and our larger team tracked sex behaviors in really detailed ways. We looked at penile-vaginal sex, partnered masturbation, and giving and receiving oral sex. And we saw declines across all categories. And we included adolescents, too. The decline in adolescent masturbation is interesting, and we were the first to include it. That one deserves a lot more attention.

What might explain declines among young people?

FU: We need more studies to tell us why. But for young people, computer games, increasing social media use, video games—something is replacing that time. During that period from 2009 to 2018, different types of social media emerged. This is always evolving, especially for younger people.

HERBENICK: We don’t expect there to be one explanation or one driver in these decreases. We fully expect that there are multiple things going on for different age groups, different partnership status, different genders. You don’t need those individual pieces to explain a big part of a notable decrease, but … each one [might]  explain a percentage point or two.

Is there any contribution from increases in people expressing an asexual identity?

HERBENICK: We don’t know why more people are identifying as asexual, but I do think more people are aware of it as a valid identity. Even compared with when I started teaching human sexuality in 2003, I routinely had one student in my class who might identify as asexual. Now I have three or four. That’s striking to me. I love that young people are aware of so many different ways to put into words how they feel about themselves. For many of them, they feel that it’s okay to opt out of sex.

In your paper, you bring up increases in “rough sex” as potentially contributing to declines. Can you explain what you mean by rough sex, and how it could be playing a role in these changes?

HERBENICK: Especially for those 18 to 29 years old, there have been increases in what many people call rough sex behaviors. Limited research suggests that an earlier idea of this was what I would consider fairly vanilla rough sex: pulling hair, a little light spanking. What we see now in studies of thousands of randomly sampled college students is choking or strangling during sex. The behavior seems to be a majority behavior for college-age students. For many people, it’s consensual and wanted and asked for, but it’s also scary to many people, even if they learn to enjoy it or want it. It’s a major line of research for our team: to understand how they feel, what the health risks are and how that fits into the larger sexual landscapes.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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6 Surprising Benefits Of Having Sex On A Daily Basis

As if you needed any more incentive to be having sex, there are actually a myriad of health benefits you gain when you regularly engage in physical intimacy with a partner.

Of course, orgasms are great, and playing with a partner is always fun, but when you routinely jump in the sack to release sexual energy, your mental, emotional, and physical well-being get a much-needed boost.

Here are 6 major benefits of sex:

1. It fortifies the immune system.

When you’re having sex on a regular basis, your body naturally produces more Immunoglobulin A, an antibody that plays a vital role in the immune system’s functionality. This means your body has a better chance to fight off sickness, which is perfect come flu season. Build up those antibodies by having sex.

2. It improves emotional health.

Sex, by nature, is extremely intimate and physical. This means that you don’t need to be having sex with a significant other to create an emotional connection with another person.

Love is something that often grows from sex, but it’s not required to share that closeness with someone. Physical intimacy floods the brain with feel-good hormones, immediately shifting your perception of reality in a positive way.

3. You can learn to have multiple orgasms.

While most people think that only women are capable of achieving multiple orgasms, men can learn to do it as well. The Kinsey Institute reports that about 20 percent of men and 14 percent of women have the ability to orgasm multiple times. Are you part of the lucky bunch that gets off several times?

4. It works your body physically.

Exercise has been the clear answer to getting in shape and being healthy for decades now. It can be difficult to get motivated to go to the gym, but the motivation to have sex usually comes naturally.

When you have sex, you typically build up your cardiovascular stamina, as well as muscles in the back, legs, hips, and abdominals. Shed a few extra pounds and improve balance by regularly having sex.

5. Practice makes perfect.

Just as with most anything in life, practicing sex on a routine basis helps you get better at it. For men, this can mean lasting longer, which, in turn, helps women achieve their orgasm.

For women, it can often mean learning how to orgasm faster or easier. Whatever your specific benefit is, two people working at sex every day will naturally become better at it.

6. It helps keep you young.

Dr. David Weeks surveyed 3,500 people and discovered that everyone reported sex as being the “most intense kind of pleasure.” He also found that sex stimulates the production of certain chemicals in the body. Routine, loving sex was seen as the second most important factor when it came to retaining youth, just behind physical and mental activity.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The One Mistake Couples Always Make When Trying To Improve Their Sex Life

By Kelly Gonsalves

When a couple is trying to reinvigorate their sex life, often the implicit goal is to figure out how to do it more often. There’s a lot of focus on frequency as a marker of a good sex life.

How often couples should have sex is very dependent on the particular individuals involved and what amount of sex feels good for each of them. But according to Jessa Zimmerman, a certified sex therapist and marriage counselor, one issue some couples can run into by trying to chase the “right amount” of sex is in how they’re keeping count.

What counts as sex, anyway?

In relationships between men and women, often couples think of sex as having penis-in-vagina intercourse. Therefore, when trying to improve or ignite their sex lives, the unspoken focus of the endeavor is how to make that particular act happen more often.

That narrow focus is often missing the whole point of having sex in the first place, says Zimmerman, “The point of sex, from my point of view, is to share pleasure with your partner and to feel connected in the process,” she explains. So if you’re focusing on making a certain act happen, she continues, you’re focusing on the wrong thing—not to mention creating a kind of pressure that can even dampen libido.

Great sex isn’t about doing certain things with certain body parts. It’s about how good you can make your bodies feel and enjoying heights of eroticism, intimacy, and connection as a couple.

How to actually improve your sex life.

“Spend intimate time together, without pressure to hit a goal or do a certain thing,” Zimmerman recommends.

You can still try to increase how often you’re being intimate with each other as a couple, but the idea is to enter into those moments without expectations for it to lead to a certain sexual act or outcome. Lie in bed and touch each other’s bodies sensually. Make out on the couch. Get dressed up, have a romantic dinner, and enjoy the feeling of finding each other attractive. Turn each other on. Look for ways to spark electricity or to lean into a moment of tender intimacy. Focus on how connected—and exhilarated—these moments make you feel.

The key here is being fully present in these moments rather than thinking about what should come next.

“Sex is like going to the playground. It’s the outing that counts, not whether you go down the slide,” Zimmerman adds. “We don’t need an agenda; we can get inspired in the moment and do what we feel like doing. The truth is that you literally cannot fail. Any shared outing like that is a success.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Are You In Touch With Your Sensuality?

5 Ways To Connect With Your Sensual Self

By Ev’Yan Whitney

Sensuality is an intrinsic part of being human. If you have a body, you are a sensual being. It doesn’t matter what your body looks like or is able to do. It doesn’t matter what you wear or where you come from. Your sensuality is an essential part of you that helps you connect to yourself and the world around you.

Sensuality, first and foremost, is about connection: connection to our bodies, our emotions, to the things that make us feel good. A lot of us are disconnected from those things. A lot of us are disconnected from ourselves. And we have good reason.

Reclaiming our sensuality.

We live in a world that doesn’t encourage us to be connected to ourselves. We are constantly moving, rushing, scrolling, doing. It’s difficult to be in our bodies when we’re moving so quickly, and as we’re going about our day, we often forget that we even have a body. Trauma is also another big factor that keeps us disconnected not just from ourselves but from others.

When we are disconnected from ourselves, we tend to forget to do basic things like breathing, resting, drinking water. We feel cut off from ourselves and the world around us. We also tend to disengage from our emotions. But beyond that, this disconnection inhibits our ability to experience the pleasure and aliveness that is our birthright.

By reclaiming our sensual selves, we’re making it a practice to come back into union with ourselves. We’re choosing to create spaces in our lives where we can be slow, soft, receptive, and still with ourselves. We’re choosing to see our emotions, needs, and pleasure as important. I would also add that prioritizing our sensual selves is an act of resistance in a world that is constantly attempting to dissociate us from our power. Cultivating our sensuality, making it a regular practice in our lives, is truly an act of liberation.

The difference between sensuality and sexuality.

A lot of us have been given the message that sensuality is synonymous with sexuality, that the only way we can experience sensuality is within a sexual context. But sensuality is so much more than that.

The way I like to explain sensuality is that it’s about paying attention with your senses. If you have ever taken a bite of a juicy piece of fruit and felt your eyes closing as you savored each succulent bite, if you’ve felt your body sway to the sound of music without your prompting, if you’ve ever felt totally connected to the aliveness and pleasure in your body—you have had a sensual experience.

The practice of sensuality is about making those moments happen with intention rather than having them be fleeting or accidental. And once you master the art of sensuality outside of a sexual context, it’ll help enhance and deepen the experiences you have within a sexual context.

Sensuality is mindfulness, and it’s been one of the greatest tools and teachers for me as I’ve been on my journey of healing myself.

How to begin connecting to your sensual self.

Here are some questions to help you begin to explore your sensual self. These questions—and over a hundred other prompts and exercises—can be found in my book Sensual Self, which is a guided journal to connect you to your sensuality: 

1. What daily habits tend to disconnect you from your body and senses?

I love this question because it helps to identify the things in our life that are hindering our ability to slow down, tune in, and feel our bodies. Once we have that information, we can begin to create boundaries around these particular things so that we can have more space and time to practice sensuality.

2. When do you feel most alive in your body? What are you doing during those moments?

When I present this question to a client or a student, they usually name things that have them moving their bodies, arousing their senses, or connecting to themselves in a deep way. Another great question to help you get clear about the things that you can do to bring more awareness and connection to your body, with the encouragement to do more of those things.

3. How do you want sensuality to feel in your body?

Most of us have been given a specific definition of what sensuality is and looks like when embodied, and often that definition is sexualized and/or for somebody else’s gaze or enjoyment. With my work, I’m wanting to take that flattened understanding of sensuality and expand it to mean so much more than titillation and to have folks get to choose what they want sensuality to mean for them and how they want it to feel in their bodies. We’ve been given so many messages from external sources telling us what and who we should be. But our sensual selves and the expression of them are unique and personal to us. So, how do you want your sensual self to feel?

4. What things specifically bring you pleasure?

Pleasure is another word that has been flattened to mean one thing: sex. But pleasure isn’t just sexual. Pleasure is simply about doing something on purpose to make ourselves feel good. Sensuality and pleasure go hand in hand, and I would say that we can’t fully be in our pleasure if we aren’t fully in our sensual selves.

I love this question because it gets us to start thinking about the things that make us feel good. A tip: Don’t focus too much on grand gestures of pleasure. See if you can tune into smaller, simpler acts that make you feel good and also notice what “feeling good” actually feels like in your body.

An alternate practice: Make it a daily practice to list five small things that made you feel good that day.

5. Start each morning with a quick senses check-in.

This is a practice that can help us slow down and come into the present moment. It’s also a great way to ground back into our bodies if we’re feeling dissociative. For this practice, you’ll take a breath and name three things that you are experiencing in the moment through each of your senses (seeing, hearing, tasting, smelling, feeling). You’ll also name three emotions you’re experiencing in the moment and at least one thing in the moment that is making you feel good, even if it’s the tiniest bit.

This is a great practice to do in the mornings before you start your day to get connected to your body, but it’s also great to do throughout the day, particularly if you’re running around and experiencing a lot of busyness. That’s when we need reconnection the most.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Partnered sex of all kinds declines in United States, IU study finds

Basic RGB

Sexual frequency is declining in the United States, according to a study by Indiana University researchers.

“Our study adds to a growing body of research that has reported on declines in sex,” said Tsung-chieh “Jane” Fu, a research associate at the IU School of Public Health-Bloomington who co-led the study. “The declines in partnered sexual activity seen in our study are consistent with findings from studies in the U.K., Australia, Germany and Japan.”

Debby Herbenick, a professor of sexual and reproductive health at the School of Public Health who also co-led the study, said the decreases are likely caused by several factors.

“The decreases are not easily explained by a single shift, such as health status, technology, access to pornography or stress,” Herbenick said. “There are likely multiple reasons for these changes in sexual expression, and we need more research to understand how these changes may be related to changes in relationships, happiness and overall well-being.”

The study of sexual frequency is particularly important in light of the COVID-19 pandemic’s impacts on relationships, Herbenick said. Declining sexual activity among adults has consequences for human fertility and health — consequences that have been exacerbated by pandemic-era restrictions.

Published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, the study is the first to include such a comprehensive assessment of diverse sexual behaviors. The information came from U.S. participants ages 14 to 49 during the 2009 and 2018 waves of the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, a confidential nationally representative survey conducted online. A total of 1,647 adolescents ages 14 to 17 and 7,055 adults ages 18 to 49 were included.

“The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior includes detailed data on a variety of sexual behaviors, so we could examine more precisely whether declines in vaginal intercourse might be explained by increases in other sexual behaviors, such as oral sex,” Herbenick said. “However, we found that was not the case. Rather, we found that from 2009 to 2018, fewer adults engaged in a range of partnered sexual activities. We were also surprised to find that, among adolescents, both partnered sex and solo masturbation had declined.”

Compared to adult participants in the 2009 survey, adults in the 2018 group were significantly more likely to report no penile-vaginal intercourse in the prior year, the researchers found. Study participants were also significantly less likely to report engaging in any other sexual behaviors examined in the study, such as oral sex or anal sex. All modes of past-year partnered sex were reported by fewer people in the 2018 cohort.

“More studies are needed to understand if this decline is associated with the emergence of other types of sexual activities in recent years, such as the adverse impact of what some people call aggressive or rough sex,” Fu said.

The study’s findings regarding sexual frequency declines among adolescents are particularly notable, according to Herbenick. The proportion of adolescents reporting neither solo masturbation nor partnered sexual behavior increased from 28% of young men and 49% of young women in 2009 to 43% of young men and 74% of young women in 2018.

“Many studies haven’t included those under age 16 or 18, so our study expands what we know about younger adolescent behavior and how we think about adolescent sexual development,” Herbenick said.

The researchers noted that a number of cultural and social changes may be affecting young people’s sexual behavior, including widespread internet access, decreased alcohol use, increased conversations around sexual consent, and more contemporary young people identifying with non-heterosexual identities, including asexual identities.

While the current findings will help inform the work of sexual health researchers, clinicians and educators, Herbenick said she hopes the study also will open up new investigations into areas such as people’s feelings about their sexual lives and how those feelings may shape subsequent choices about sex.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How the vagina changes over time and what to do if sex becomes less enjoyable

The vagina can stretch to twice its normal size during childbirth.

By Carla Delgado

  • The average vagina is about 9.6 centimeters (3.8 inches) deep but can stretch to twice that amount.
  • Childbirth and menopause can change the depth of a vagina, which may change how sex feels.
  • If your vagina feels loose, try Kegel exercises or other exercises to strengthen your pelvic floor.

The average vagina measures seven to ten centimeters (about two to four inches). However, the vaginal canal is impressively flexible and how deep a vagina is at any given time often depends on the person as well as circumstances like sexual arousal, pregnancy, childbirth, and menopause.

How deep is a vagina?

According to a small 2005 study, the average depth of a vagina is 9.6 centimeters (or 3.78 inches). However, it has the ability to stretch when sexually aroused to accommodate a penis.

The vagina can also stretch six inches or wider during childbirth to accommodate the baby’s head and shoulders, says Maureen Whelihan, MD, FACOG, a gynecologist at the Elite GYN Care of the Palm Beaches and section chair of American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) District XII.

Does vaginal depth affect sexual pleasure?

Some people may think that having a deeper vagina is more pleasurable because there will be more nerve endings to heighten the sensation.

However, “the current evidence suggests that vaginal length is not associated with sexual satisfaction. Most women are aroused from the clitoris which is independent from vaginal length,” says Oz Harmanli, MD, chief of Yale Medicine Urogynecology & Reconstructive Pelvic Surgery and professor at the Yale School of Medicine.

Additionally, a 2010 study involving more than 500 heterosexual women found that the length of the vagina did not seem to affect how sexually active they were.

How does the vagina change over time?

Age and lifestyle has a big impact on how the vagina changes over time. In particular, giving birth and going through menopause are perhaps the two primary events in a person’s life that will significantly change their vagina.

Childbirth

Childbirth can affect vaginal depth because the pelvic floor muscles, which support the pelvic organs such as the uterus, bladder, and bowels, get stretched out to support the weight of the baby.

In fact, a 2009 study found that the pelvic floor muscles stretch more than three times their normal size during labor.

The vagina can remain lax after childbirth for up to a year, depending on the size of the baby or the number of babies that were born, says Whelihan.

“The main reason for [feeling loose] could be pelvic floor relaxation and tears as a result of pregnancies, and especially vaginal deliveries,” says Harmanli.

Experts say Kegel exercises and pelvic floor exercises can help regain muscle strength in the pelvic floor, which increases sexual arousal and vaginal lubrication.

Menopause

During menopause, estrogen levels drop, which makes the vaginal canal shorter and narrower, says Harmanli.

Postmenopausal individuals may feel like there is less room inside the vagina for intercourse if they don’t have penetrative sex for a long time, he adds. However, having regular vaginal sexual activity even after menopause helps maintain the vagina’s length and width and reduces dryness.

What if a vagina feels loose during sex?

When it comes to penetrative sex, there is a pervasive myth that having more sex will make the vagina feel “loose” and lead to less pleasurable sex. However, this is not true and is most likely used to shame people for their sexual activity.

A vagina that is perceived as loose might point to a lack of arousal or be reflective of their partner’s small penis or inability to maintain a firm erection, says Whelihan.

Therefore, if the quality of your sexual experience has diminished, it’s important to communicate with your partner(s) about each other’s wants, needs, and openness to try new things.

Insider’s takeaway

The vaginal canal is usually about seven to ten centimeters deep. But it can stretch and become deeper during sex or childbirth.

The vagina may also get shorter during menopause, but having regular sexual activity helps maintain its length.

Finally, there’s no evidence that having a lot of sex will make the vagina loose. But a vagina may feel loose after childbirth in which case pelvic floor exercises may help restore vaginal lubrication and improve sexual satisfaction.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Guy Who Learned About Sex From Watching Porn With His Friends

John in New Jersey talks about hooking up in college, getting a happy-ending massage, and the difference between finding someone hot and being turned on by them.

By Sophia Benoit

One of the first times I watched porn, I was over at a buddy’s house, this was probably in fifth grade. His older brother was two years older than us, and he showed a big group of us porn. I remember thinking, “Oh, this is kind of funny.” That was my first reaction to porn. I started watching it myself a few years later, but that was definitely an interesting experience for sure, standing around a computer with a number of other guys. I thought it was funny, but I was definitely, definitely intrigued as well. Soon after that I was at my middle school orientation; it was the first day of middle school and the kids from all the feeder elementary schools were in an assembly and I remember seeing this girl and for the first time I wanted to do something more than just hold her hand or kiss her.

I lost my virginity in college. I was 21 and it was a drunken one night stand. I was living with two other guys and it was one of the first weeks of school. We were living in a co-ed dorm and lived right next to these girls, and I remember one of my friends earlier in the night was talking about how he really wanted to sleep with the girl who lived next door to me. I thought she was cute, but I didn’t think anything of it. I headed back to my room to get something and their door was open and they were drinking and then we started talking and the next thing you know I’m losing my virginity. My friends were very proud of me. They all knew my situation.

Before I lost my virginity, I paid to get a happy ending massage. It was freshman year of college, spring break, and I was waiting for my fantasy baseball draft and I was really bored and horny and so I looked up “happy ending massages” or something like that and the websites made it very clear you weren’t going to have sex with the women. So I found a place at the mall about 10 minutes from my parents house and I went to this hotel next to the mall and I went up to the second floor and a woman who was in her 30s or 40s was there; again, I was 18 at this point. She told me to leave my “donation” on the table so I paid my $100 or $120, which would pay for an hour of her time. She and I both got naked and I got on the bed face down and then she just kind of started rubbing her body over me. After a couple minutes she had me turn over and she started rubbing herself on me again and I shot a load in like two seconds. Again, keep in mind I’m a virgin. She looked at me very seriously and said, “Oh, baby, you busted already?” and I said, “Is that a problem?” and she was like, “You’re only allowed to bust one time.” Keep in mind I’d paid for an hour of time and this was about seven minutes in. By the time I was getting up to leave, she was already on the phone with her next client.

Years later I did a nuru massage in Montreal for a friend’s bachelor party. Three other guys and I went. Basically a naked woman rubs herself all over you for an hour and then it ends with a happy ending. It’s more…professional… though. Like it’s very out in the open. You come in and they let you pick which girl you want to massage you; I chose the girl I did because she looked like Jamie Lynn Sigler. I was in a long-term relationship at that point and so were two of the other guys, but we rationalized it because it wasn’t harmful. None of our girlfriends ever found out. It’s not like we were gonna sleep with these women; it was just a massage.

I recently got out of a three year relationship, the longest relationship I’ve had, and I would consider her to be the best sex of my life. We weren’t crazy or anything. We weren’t like having sex in an elevator or a coat closet or anything, we weren’t really experimenting. I mean I think it was just the bedroom or maybe the shower. There were a couple times when we would travel and be in a hotel or something and we’d be extra frisky because it was a new place. But it was mostly that we cared about each other. I’ve had un-meaningful sex before and I’ve had a decent amount of meaningful sex and I think for me, it’s just always better when there’s a deeper connection. And we had sex frequently; we didn’t live together but pretty much every time we saw each other we had sex.

I’m pretty vanilla when it comes to sex. Trying kinky stuff isn’t really something of interest to me. I consider myself a really sexually-charged person. And if you were to ask my friends, they would probably put me near the top of the list in terms of desire or sexual appetite in general, but I’m not really interested in experimenting. I’ve never really been into sexting or phone sex either. Recently I went on a couple dates with a woman with tattoos and nipple piercings and that was really cool for me to date someone who was not my normal “type.” But she just started unprompted sending me nudes and I was like, “Where did this come from?” It was nice I guess, but getting nudes has never been something that I’ve actively sought out before. Just because I think from a guy’s perspective, it kind of makes you come off as like, creepy or desperate, and it really doesn’t turn me on much. We had a little back and forth about it, but it wasn’t like it was something I was jerking off to. Down the road, if I were to have a partner who wanted to try something more kinky, I might. Never say never. It’s gotta be the right person though. I guess I’ve always wanted to try a threesome with two women, but I don’t know that that’s in the cards for me based on the type of women I date.

My body has kind of got to be into a person, even if I find them hot. About five years ago, before my long-term relationship, there was a woman I was working with who I was really into. We worked in a place where everyone was in their 20s and we all hung out after work and went out drinking and one night I let her know I was interested and we ended up making out and then we had this kind of summer fling. She was just really a mean person, like my friends all hated her. And we were hooking up and spending the night and she was really attractive, but for whatever reason, whenever we tried to have sex, I couldn’t get hard. I think it was my body’s way of saying, “Don’t stick your dick in her!” I also had that happen once in college with a girl I was hooking up with my senior year. We hooked up for a bit and I was super into her—she was exactly my type at that time. And then she broke it off and she started sleeping around for a while and then when we tried to get back together, I couldn’t get hard. It was like, “Something’s not right here.” Even now, it’s not like I’m trying to wait until I’m married or anything, or that I even have to be in a relationship with someone. It’s just that ideally I’d have an emotional connection with somebody beforehand. It just makes it better, you know?

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I Have a Higher Libido Than My Partner

—How Can I Be Both Supportive and Satisfied?

By Rebecca Alvarez Story

Question

In recent years, my partner and I have grown to have mismatched sex drives. Now, I have a higher libido than my partner, and while I want to be supportive and certainly don’t want them to feel pressured to have sex, I do wonder if there’s anything I can do to help rejuvenate their interest. Regardless of their libido, though, how can I make sure that I’m still satisfied within my confines of my relationship?

Answer

Mainstream society has grown to idealize fiery relationships denoted by passionate partners who can’t keep their hands off each other. The truth is, though, that libido fluctuates every day, and the chances that one’s libido will always match the level of their partner is quite slim. In fact, one of the most common issues couples face in relationships is mismatched libidos. Often, partners adapt to this reality and find a balance that works for them. Other times, though, mismatched libidos can snowball into bigger issues full of frustration, guilt, and resentment.

In particular, people with a higher libido than their partner tend to feel as if their needs are not being met, shame that they want sex more often or rejection when sex is off the table. By contrast, people with lower libido than their partner tend to feel frustrated, pressured, and anxious about their desire not being on par with their partner. Thankfully, though, a mismatched libido is a solvable issue so long as everyone involved is willing to be honest, empathetic, and to prioritize the relationship.

Being on either side of the sex drive seesaw can be frustrating, but let’s consider ways the partner with the higher sex drive can be both supportive and satisfied.

1. Access their stressors

Before you can begin addressing intimacy concerns, take inventory of what is going on in your partner’s life. The partner with the lower sex drive may be contending with a combination of libido-compromising stressors. Some of these lifestyle or health factors may include high stress, medications, chronic health issues, work demands, mental illness, family responsibilities, financial strain, or lack of sleep.

Now, what can you do about it? Well, if you know, for instance, that your partner is stressed, consider how you might be able to help them to feel better. Communicate that your intention is always to help them feel good in order to show that you’re not just trying to address your own sexual desires. Simple acts of support—like offering to cook breakfast for the week, taking a walk together at lunch or allowing them to sleep in on the weekend—can help revitalize their overall mood.

If your partner is going through a change that is more permanent than a period of stress, consider building support into your daily routine. Depending on the severity of the issue, you’ll want to pace yourself and be consistent in your support in a way that feels manageable to you.

2. Rate your sex drives

One easy way to begin healthy sexual communication on this topic is for each person in the relationship to rate their sex drive from one to 10 and explain their ranking. For the partner with the higher drive, make sure you actively listen to why your partner describes the number they share. Regardless of whether your numbers are very different or not too far from each other, use this exercise as an opportunity to empathize with your partner and try to understand their perspective.

3. Expand your definition of sex

Consider this an invitation to unlearn bad sex ed, including unhealthy myths that sex (only) means penetration and that orgasm is always the end goal. Now is a good time to expand your definition and expectations of what diverse pleasure can mean. To do so, have partner write down 10 intimate activities that they enjoy doing with their partner and 10 intimate things they’d like to try. Share the lists with one another and allow it to be the starting ground for an expanded list of acts all parties can enjoy together.

4. Try breathwork together

A few moments before bed, or when you both have downtime together, face one another and take deep breaths together. Unwinding together can help you both feel at ease next to each other. Gently reminding your partner with a lower libido to connect in breath with you allows you both to feel more synced.

5. Don’t forget you-time

While you are working on intimacy in your relationship, do not forget to build intimacy with yourself. Ideas that a partner should “fulfill you” or that they must be your sole source of pleasure aren’t healthy and put too much pressure on one person. You should be a primary part of your pleasure equation and spend time exploring and enjoying your body alone, regardless of your relationship status. Some ideas to bring more pleasure to your life can include full-body massages in the shower, a lunchtime masturbation session or a date night alone in your room with aromatherapy, music, and your favorite toys.

6. Throwback dates

Sometimes, the easiest solution for couples struggling with mismatched libidos is to go back to the basics. Many couples get stuck in a routine and don’t plan out date nights together the way they may have early on in the relationship. There’s no need to reinvent the wheel here, either. Instead, book consistent date nights and hit up old spots you used to enjoy together. Having dedicated time to look forward to helps build desire before the dates; meanwhile, spending quality time together on the dates helps you reconnect more intimately.

7. Work with a professional

It can be scary navigating intimacy concerns with your partner. Whether you are new to the relationship or are in a committed, long-term partnership, working with a professional can be a source of comfort. Sex therapists, sexologists, and intimacy experts are trained to help you talk about difficult topics and guide you on how to reach your goals together. There may also be instances where the best option for the relationship may not be one you have been open to before. Consider working with an expert if you want support navigating mismatched libidos.

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