Category: Sexual Satisfaction

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We asked men how they feel about dating, sex, and porn in 2023.

— The answers are not simple

It feels like sex and dating is more complicated than ever. To find out what’s going on, GQ surveyed you about everything from body counts to porn shame to lying on dating apps

By GQ

Dating has never been easy; sex has never been simple. Still, right now feels like a particularly tumultuous time when it comes to romance. We’ve had a pandemic that, among other things, was a global mood killer. Before that, the MeToo movement spurred an ongoing confrontation with sexism and misogny at a systemic level and, for many men, an individual reckoning with how they behave towards women. As we’ve spent more time living and working remotely, dating apps and internet pornography have strengthened their grip over our attentions; the former is rewriting the codes of dating etiquette and spilling messily into how we talk to each other, while the latter continues to reshape our expectations of sex and intimacy.

It feels like we’re constantly being told that we’re living in a new age of sexual puritanism and a great sex recession, and yet sex clubs are flourishing and we’re spending £4bn a year on OnlyFans. (So are we horny, or aren’t we?) Meanwhile, birthrates have plummeted, marriage is in decline and, if Twitter is to be believed, dating is dead. Some of this feels like a necessary corrective on the stumbling path to equality and fairness; some of it feels like the dawn of a dystopia. (Not another one!) Put together, it means it can be hard to know what is really going on with sex and love in 2023.

So we thought we’d ask. Earlier this year, GQ surveyed 604 people from a representative range of age, gender, sexualities and backgrounds in Britain to ask about how you feel and think about dating, relationships and sex today. The findings point to men, in particular, being at a crossroads, with increasingly progressive attitudes towards monogamy and parenthood sitting alongside more outdated views and, sometimes, behaviours.

Sex isn’t our top priority

We asked men how they feel about dating sex and porn in 2023. The answers are not simple

First of all, we asked men how much of a priority sex and relationships are in their lives. Almost half(47%) said they can be happy in a relationship with little to no sex. This bears out in their priorities, too, with men placing spending time with friends & family (35%), working out (25%) and making money (24%) all as more important to them than sex and romance (12%).

This isn’t to say that men aren’t being adventurous. In a sign the post-Covid hedonism many anticipated might be upon us after all, 25% of men claim to have attended a sex party and would do so again. 26% of couples have done so too.

We’re not being honest on dating apps

When it comes to dating, 70% of men admitted they have lied about themselves on dating apps. Of those men, the most common areas in which they’ve misrepresented themselves were in their photos (36%), when describing their age (35%), their career (28%) and their height (27%).

Worse still, 21% of men in monogamous relationships said they were still using dating apps, and the men surveyed were more than three times as likely as women to keep an ex or former love interest’s nudes after a break-up (29% compared to 8%).

Meanwhile, TikTok debates about ‘body count’ – how many previous sexual partners is deemed acceptable in a prospective partner – seems to be playing out in real life, regressive attitudes and all. For many men, body counts count: 61% say it matters to them when choosing a partner (compared to 51% of women).

When is a body count too high? The most popular answer, chosen by 28% of the men who cared at all, was ‘more than ten’. For women, the point where body count became a problem was ‘more than 25’.

Interestingly, Gen Z may be more puritanical on this topic than their elders. Of those GQ surveyed, 71% of 16-24 year olds said that body count mattered to them – higher than for both 25-34 year olds and 35-44 year olds.

We’re living in the age of non-monogamy

Is it possible, or even desirable, to get everything we need from one person? In 2023, it seems the shape of relationships may slowly be being redrawn, from the traditional two to something more bendable.

Much has been written in recent years about the rise of consensual non-monogamy, with increasing numbers of couples looking to renegotiate the terms of sexual exclusivity. The pandemic led many people to reexamine what makes them happy and lean into sexual experimentation, while the steep rise in popularity of kink dating app Feeld suggests a more open-minded approach to sex may be emerging.

In GQ’s survey, nearly half of men (47%) would consider a relationship that isn’t monogamous, and surprising numbers are already: 9% of men said they are in a polyamorous relationship right now, while 12% said they are in a consensually non-monogamous or open relationship.

On the topic of cheating, 60% of men said they have had an affair, compared to only 32% of women. But when asked whether, in 2023, following or interacting with people on social media can constitute cheating, there was greater unanimity – 37% of men and 32% of women agreed it can.

Porn is making us feel worse

The Covid pandemic saw an increase in the use of internet porn, but porn consumption still skews heavily male – our survey results found that nearly three times as many men (61%) watch it regularly than women (22%). For a quarter of men, that means every 2-3 days (compared to 14% who use it every day, and 23% who do so once a week).

Despite how embedded pornography is in their lives, many men reported that porn has a negative impact on their emotional or mental health. Of the men who watch porn, 54% said it makes them feel self-conscious about their sexual performance, more than half (53%) said it makes them feel self-conscious about their bodies and 42% said it left them with feelings of guilt or self-loathing. In addition, 30% said it has left them feeling confused about their sexual preferences. In that sense, porn is becoming like social media: we know it is bad for us, we dislike ourselves for doing it, but we can’t seem to stop.

It’s not all solo viewing, though. Of the men we surveyed, 43% said they have watched porn with their partner, and 25% do so regularly. There was also evidence that good old-fashioned sex with a person isn’t over quite yet: when asked to rank sexual activities in order of how exciting they are, sex with a person was significantly higher (38%) than using pornography (7%).

We’re thinking (and worrying) about kids

It’s not just sex, dating and relationships that feel in flux. With birth rates declining around the world and first-time parents getting older on average than ever before in the west, expectations and attitudes surrounding parenthood are also being rewritten.

Recent research is putting rened weight behind the idea of a male biological clock, and there’s evidence that fertility is a growing concern for men: 40% said it was something they worry about, compared to 39% of women. Responsibilities around childcaring are also changing; 29% of men surveyed said they would consider raising children independently.

All together? It paints a messy picture of modern love. There are signs of progress: 61% of men said that they understood consent better after the cultural conversations post-MeToo (63% of people in total). But that can feel hard to square with the 12% of men said they’d find someone who’d had more than one sexual partner off-putting.

In short: we still have a lot left to figure out, and much more to discuss. Finding ways to acknowledge this and create the space for a better kind of conversation is, perhaps, its own kind of progress. That’s why we’re kicking off our Modern Lovers week with a series of stories about the realities and intricacies of this new landscape, from dating with borderline personality disorder to those battling post-natal depression, the people in love with AI-powered dolls and those trying to overcome their own ‘weaponised incompetence’.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is Oxytocin?

— Here’s everything you need to know about the aptly named ‘love hormone.’

By Xenia E.

Oxytocin is a natural hormone that can cause powerful effects governing social behavior, reproduction, birth, pleasure and stress reduction. It’s commonly referred to as “the love hormone” for its role in sex, trust and attachment.

“Oxytocin is both a hormone and a neurotransmitter that can make us feel good and feel a sense of connection with those we care about,” explained Susan Milstein, Ph.D., a human sexuality health educator and medical review board member of Women’s Health Interactive in Brooklyn, New York.

Oxytocin is associated with the other feel-good neurotransmitters, dopamine and serotonin. It’s a significant chemical messenger found in all mammals.

How is oxytocin released?

Milstein explained that oxytocin is released in the hypothalamus, above the pituitary gland. The hypothalamus is the part of the brain that governs major functions such as appetite, body temperature, emotion regulation and hormone release.

Oxytocin is then secreted into the bloodstream by the pituitary gland, a pea-sized gland that governs major bodily functions such as metabolism and sexual function. Oxytocin is released in response to nerve activation, such as receiving a massage, birth or breastfeeding.

Oxytocin secreted from the pituitary gland is then released by oxytocin receptors in response to various stimuli.

“Lots of things can cause it to be released, including being aroused by a partner, feeling close to a loved one, exercise or even listening to music,” Milstein said.

Though oxytocin is associated with social behavior, people don’t require the direct contact that its alias, “the love hormone,” would imply.

“You don’t need to have a partner to release oxytocin; spending time with friends can cause it to be released, so can petting your dog,” Milstein said.

You don’t need close proximity to others to release oxytocin, either.

“Exercise, listening to music, masturbation and medication can all cause a release of oxytocin,” Milstein said.

Low-intensity stimulation on the skin, such as holding hands or a massage, and warm temperatures can trigger a release of the hormone, too.

But there is a reason behind the hormone’s nickname. Milstein said people think of oxytocin as either “the love hormone” or the “cuddle hormone” and associate it with birth and babies.

“All of these are accurate. Oxytocin is released during both sexual arousal as well as during cuddling and sensual massage. Touch or being around someone we care about can both lead to the release of oxytocin,” Milstein added.

Oxytocin is also one of the few hormones whose production and release have a positive feedback loop, meaning activation stimulates the pituitary gland to produce more of it. The most common point of reference for oxytocin’s feedback loop is during birth, when oxytocin creates uterine contractions and its release results in stronger contractions.

What is oxytocin associated with?

Oxytocin’s wide-ranging effects are associated with childbirth, breastfeeding, sex, social behavior, stress and a birthing parent’s ability to bond with their infant. Oxytocin also governs many emotions, such as happiness and affection. Oxytocin was initially deemed a “female” hormone because of its role in childbirth and breastfeeding, but it is present and significant in males and females. However, oxytocin levels may be higher in women. It’s rare for people to produce inadequate oxytocin levels.

Numerous studies on animals and humans show surprising benefits of the hormone: It may help with addiction cravings, wound healing, infant bonding and social stress. Researchers are exploring the hormone’s role in mental health, namely addiction, depression, eating disorders and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Much of this research is in the preliminary stages.

Stress and oxytocin

“Oxytocin can help bring down our blood pressure and our cortisol levels. Cortisol is one of our stress hormones, and as those levels come down, our bodies will get to relax,” Milstein said.

Oxytocin can also increase pain tolerance.

The use of oxytocin has been postulated as a concept to alleviate psychiatric symptoms, because of oxytocin’s effects on stress regulation. Oxytocin has also been found to reduce anxiety-related behaviors and plays a significant role in sleep promotion.

Birth, lactation and infant bonding

Oxytocin is released during childbirth and breastfeeding, Milstein explained. The word “oxytocin” comes from the Greek language and means “swift birth,” and there’s a reason for the accurate translation: Oxytocin stimulates uterine contractions. Then oxytocin release continues after childbirth and helps the birthing parent birth the placenta.

Oxytocin can also be administered as an agent to induce labor or speed up a labor that began on its own. After oxytocin is administered, contractions usually start shortly afterward. Oxytocin’s release may also boost the production of prostaglandins, which also help stimulate uterine contractions.

During breastfeeding, oxytocin takes on an impressive role. Oxytocin helps to stimulate lactation in response to nipple stimulation when an infant is breastfeeding; oxytocin causes breast milk to release. The “letdown reflex” or “milk ejection reflex” allows breast milk to flow, which causes a release of oxytocin in the bloodstream. The reflex is conditioned by a nursing parent thinking about their baby, expecting to feed or hearing their infant cry.

Various animal studies associate an increase in care and bonding with offspring with increased oxytocin levels. The other feel-good effects of oxytocin also help new parents care for their infants. Oxytocin may also increase levels of affection, which is part of the reason skin-to-skin contact is recommended after birth; holding an infant increases oxytocin levels.

If you can have oxytocin administered during birth, is it possible to take a prescription version and receive the same touted benefits of the hormone? Clinical trials are examining its effects as a nasal spray. Some studies find taking a synthetic version of the hormone exacerbates stressors and increases hypersensitivity.

The effects of naturally occurring oxytocin are extensive. From being instrumental in birth and lactation to helping direct social behavior and regulating stress, there’s a reason this hormone is classified as a feel-good one. There are also plenty of ways to release oxytocin: through sex, exercise, hugging, spending time with loved ones and listening to music. Much of the research around oxytocin as a treatment for addiction and psychiatric disorders is still emerging, but there’s reason to continue to explore its capabilities.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What makes for a ‘great’ sex life?

— Research into intimacy upends many popular notions about sexual fulfillment. One hint: It’s more about connection than technique.

By Nicola Jones

The unhappiest time in a sex therapist’s office is around Valentine’s Day, says Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz, a professor in the faculty of medicine at the University of Ottawa. “It’s the day where I see the most miserable couples, the most distressed couples,” she says.

High pressure and expectations can prove an explosive combination for people already struggling with their sex lives. Sex, it turns out, isn’t as easy or simple as popular culture might lead us to believe.

Kleinplatz, trained as a clinical psychologist and sex therapist, has spent many years untangling the many reasons for sexual dissatisfaction. In 2018, she authored a review of the history of treatment of female dysfunctions in the Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, examining the controversial ways in which women’s sexuality in particular has been viewed and treated over the decades, and what might be the best way forward. She is director of the Optimal Sexual Experiences research team at the University of Ottawa; in 2020, she coauthored the book Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers, inspired by findings from her long-term study of couples.

The recommendations from her and her colleagues’ research about how to build a more connected, fulfilling sex life are now being fine-tuned and rolled out on sex therapists’ couches. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

One reason couples wind up in your office is a mismatch in desire: Perhaps one partner wants sex multiple times a day, and another less than once a month. How common is this?

This is the most common presenting problem in the offices of sex therapists.

The reason couples show up in our offices is not because of a problem in one or in the other, but because there’s a discrepancy between them, which we refer to as sexual desire discrepancy.

This can be problematic because sexuality represents such a central part of one’s identity. The feelings of rejection when your partner doesn’t feel like having sex, and the feelings of obligation when you don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings, are enormous. A lot of couples end up resting their self-concept on whether or not they’re matching up well with their partner in terms of desire and frequency.

Let’s look at both sides of that coin. First, we have people with a very high sex drive. Is that a “disorder”?

If we look at the early editions of the diagnostic manual known as the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) from the American Psychiatric Association in the 1950s, it listed problems of having too much desire. In women, this was referred to as nymphomania; the corresponding diagnosis for men is satyriasis. The diagnosis of nymphomania in a woman was fairly serious. A possible treatment for it in the 1950s was electroconvulsive therapy or frontal lobotomy. Men who had lots and lots of sex, and lots and lots of sexual desire, were generally not given a diagnosis and instead perceived as normal.

Then along comes the sexual revolution. And all of a sudden, the idea that “too much” was pathological was jettisoned. In 1980, the DSM-III got rid of the diagnoses of too much desire and replaced them with the diagnosis of too little desire. Theoretically, our diagnoses are supposed to be objective, empirical, value-free. But the history of how we diagnose reveals a great deal about sexual and social values.

How has the clinical perception of low desire changed over time for men and women?

In 1980, the DSM authors also said, “We need to do something about the gender bias that was there in the first DSM and DSM-II.” From 1987, they called it “hypoactive sexual desire disorder” for both men and women, when low desire causes distress.

But by the time we get to the DSM-V of 2013, they changed their minds again. They decided to have erectile dysfunction and hypoactive sexual desire disorder, separate, for men. But for women, they said to collapse them to “female sexual interest/arousal disorder.”

Low sex desire might simply be good judgment. “It’s rational to have low desire for undesirable sex.”

Was this decision to lump together desire and arousal a good idea? And by desire, we are talking about the frequency of wanting sex or having sexual fantasies; by arousal, we mean the physiological and psychological response to sexual stimuli.

I think it’s the obligation of clinicians to tease things apart. If you were to walk into your physician’s office and say, “I have a stomachache,” it’s the physician’s job to figure out if you ate something that gave you food poisoning, or if you’ve got an ulcer, or if you’ve got some kind of cancer in your abdomen, right? So I think that when it comes to sexual problems, it’s equally important for the onus to be on the clinician to tease out whether it’s a problem related to arousal or desire, regardless of whether your patient is male, female, trans, non-binary, etcetera.

Some clinicians might recommend compromise in a couple facing sexual desire discrepancy. Is that a good idea?

That is ill-advised. Neither partner is getting what’s actually desired. What clinicians will end up with is resentful patients who don’t trust their judgment.

One of the reasons it doesn’t work is because the clinician is being trapped into treating a symptom of a problem, framed in terms of frequency, rather than getting to the heart of what this symptom represents. It might represent an interpersonal problem, such as difficulty managing conflict. Or it might have to do with the quality of the sex itself.

“The focus of most research has been how to take bad sex and make it less bad.”

What looks like a problem of low sexual desire might be evidence of good judgment, perhaps even good taste. If I asked you to think about the last time you had sex, and what feelings come up inside of you, what I’m interested in is the extent to which the feelings that are brought forth within you are more like anticipation, as in “I want more of that,” or more like dread. It’s rational to have low desire for undesirable sex.

If the problem is bad sex, and the solution is better sex — magnificent sex, even! — has there been much scholarly research about that?

The focus of most research has been how to take bad sex and make it less bad. But most people don’t want sex that’s merely “not bad,” or that is mediocre. Most people want sex that makes them feel alive in one another’s embrace. In 2005, our research team began to study people who were having deeply fulfilling sexual encounters. We wanted to study what they were doing right, so that we could learn from them.

Who were these people — whom did you speak with?

Based on my clinical experience, some of the people who had impressed me most were people in their 60s, 70s and 80s who — because of life changes, perhaps disease, or disability, or becoming empty nesters or losing someone close to them — had to reinvent sex. It occurred to me to study other people who’ve been marginalized, who had similarly been forced to reinvent, redefine or re-envision sex.

And so we studied various kinds of sexual-, gender- and relationship-minority individuals: people in their 60s, 70s and 80s; people who are LGBTQ+; people who were in consensually non-monogamous relationships, people who are into kink, etc. All of these people had had to make conscious choices about what they wanted their sex lives to look like.

For the very first study, which we describe in our book, we studied 75 people, interviewing each for 42 minutes to nearly two hours.

What did you learn about magnificent sex? Is it all about orgasms?

Contrary to what we hear in the mainstream media that great sex is all about tips and tricks and techniques and toys that culminate in earth-shattering orgasm, among the individuals we have studied and have come to call “extraordinary lovers,” orgasms were neither necessary nor sufficient components of “magnificent sex.” The qualities that made sex worth wanting were deeper, and less technique-focused.

Each erotic experience is different, but virtually all the extraordinary lovers described the same eight components and seven facilitating factors.

What were these components and facilitating factors?

Two of the components that people tended to mention fairly often were being embodied, absorbed in the moment, really present and alive; and being in sync with and connected to the other person, so merged that you couldn’t tell where one person started and the other person stopped. It’s quite something to be fully embodied within, while simultaneously really in sync with, another human being.

The other components included: erotic intimacy, empathic communication, being authentic, vulnerability, exploring risk-taking and fun, and transcendence. By empathic communication, I don’t just mean verbal communication; I mean being so in tune with your partner that you can practically feel in your own skin the way that your partner wants to be touched most. One participant described transcendence as: “An expe­rience of floating in the universe of light and stars and music and sublime peace.”

Were there revealing differences between, say, men and women?

When one partner wants more — or less — sex than the other, compromise is not the answer.

In the literature they often presume, and maybe even have evidence for, differences between men and women, the young and the old, the LGBTQ versus the straight, the monogamous versus the non-monogamous, etcetera. But in our research, we found that the experience of what we have come to call “magnificent sex” was indistinguishable between these different groups.

There were only two people — me and my then-doctoral student Dana Ménard, now Dr. Dana Ménard at the University of Windsor — who knew who was whom. All the other members of the research team saw only de-identified, written transcripts. And they would look at the transcripts and make assumptions about the participant’s identity and their guesses were inaccurate. The people they thought were men turned out to be women, people they thought were kinky were people who identified instead as vanilla, and vice versa. What it takes to make a person glow in the dark was virtually universal among our participants.

Did you hear any particularly striking stories?

There was one couple that we interviewed, for example, who were both in their 70s, semi-retired. These individuals said: “We used to have sex three times a week. Well, we’re in our 70s now, so we only have sex once a week. When we get home from work on Thursday, we head into our kitchen to begin ‘foreplay’: chop up fruits, vegetables, enough healthy things so that we have enough food to last us until we go back to work on Monday morning, without ever having to get out of bed. We don’t have to do the dishes. We don’t have anything else to do except to have sex with each other for three-and-a-half days. So, we only have sex once a week now. But it lasts from Thursday afternoon until Monday morning.”

That’s an extraordinary example, but it really speaks to a recurring theme in your book of being willing to devote considerable energy, time and dedication to the pursuit of a good sex life.

Yes. One of the myths that we hear constantly in the mainstream media is that sex should be natural and spontaneous. And we see that same myth reiterated in porn. The reality is that extraordinary lovers choose to devote time and energy to this most valued of their pursuits. That’s a crucial lesson for all of us. Great lovers are made, not born.

Has your research led to clinical applications?

Around 2012, we started to study: How might we take the lessons from the extraordinary lovers and apply them to couples who were suffering from sexual desire discrepancy? And could it actually help them?

A lot of psychotherapy is expensive. And it’s out of reach of people with limited budgets or limited insurance. Given that one of the foundations of our work as a research team has been social justice, we decided to be as inclusive as possible by setting up group therapy. We developed an eight-week intervention helping couples to become more vulnerable, authentic, playful and so on.

Does it work?

We now have spent 10 years researching this — and, it works. That’s the short version.

“Extraordinary lovers choose to devote time and energy to this most valued of their pursuits.”

On two psychometric scales of sexual satisfaction and fulfillment, we find clinically meaningful and statistically significant change in couples from the beginning of the intervention to the end. But the really valuable thing is that the changes seem to be sustained six months later: There are enduring changes in their sexual fulfillment. Participants describe marked improvements in trust, creativity, embodiment, negotiation of consent and empathic communication.

How did the pandemic affect your work?

Even in the first year of pandemic we were hearing that there were more and more couples struggling, because they were home 24/7, working from home 24/7, taking care of their kids 24/7. Marriages were strained.

We moved the group therapy online, using a platform compliant with HIPAA (the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act) for the sake of security and confidentiality. And our data, much, to my astonishment, showed that the online group therapy is every bit as effective, which makes it even more accessible to more people. It means that they don’t have to pay for parking, pay for babysitters, worry about winter driving or how to find a sex therapist in the middle of Iowa. We’re now training people all over the world who are getting the same effective outcomes.

What’s your focus on now? Any new projects in the works?

Our focus now is on offering this approach to therapy for another group of people who may really need it: couples facing cancer. Cancer itself can be devastating to a person’s sex life, as can chemotherapy, radiation and the surgeries that are often required to save people’s lives. So that’s our current endeavor: applying what we’ve learned during Covid-19 about the effectiveness of online group therapy to couples facing cancer at every stage from diagnosis through survivorship. Why not embrace life for as long as we live?

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What to drink to last longer in bed?

— Your full cocktail breakdown

By Amber Smith

Sexual performance is a topic that many people are interested in improving. While there are a variety of methods and techniques to improve performance, including exercise, meditation, and communication with partners, there is also a growing interest in using specific foods and drinks to enhance sexual endurance.

One drink in particular that has gained popularity for its potential to improve sexual performance is the “bedroom cocktail.” This cocktail is made up of a blend of ingredients that are believed to increase blood flow, boost libido, and enhance stamina, all of which can contribute to longer-lasting and more satisfying sexual experiences.

But what exactly is in a bedroom cocktail, and does it really work? In this article, you can take a closer look at the various ingredients commonly found in these cocktails and examine the evidence for their effectiveness. From caffeine and ginseng to cacao and maca, we’ll provide a breakdown of each ingredient and explain how it may help improve sexual performance. So, whether you’re looking for a new way to spice up your sex life or simply curious about the science behind these cocktails, read on for the full breakdown on what to drink to last longer in bed.

Best Drinks to Last Longer in Bed

  1. Pomegranate juice combined with Elm and Rye Libido supplement
  2. Beet Juice
  3. Milk
  4. Caffeinated Drinks
  5. Aloe Vera Juice
  6. Banana Shake
  7. Dark Chocolate Smoothie

What causes issues with not lasting longer in bed?

There are many factors that can contribute to issues with not lasting longer in bed, including physical, psychological, and emotional factors. Here are some of the most common causes:

  • Anxiety and Stress: Performance anxiety, stress, and pressure to perform can all contribute to premature ejaculation or difficulty maintaining an erection.
  • Relationship Problems: Issues within a relationship, such as communication problems or lack of intimacy, can also impact sexual performance.
  • Medical Conditions: Certain medical conditions, such as diabetes, high blood pressure, or prostate problems, can affect sexual function.
  • Hormonal Imbalances: Hormonal imbalances, such as low testosterone levels, can also impact sexual performance.
  • Substance Use: Substance use, such as excessive alcohol consumption or drug use, can interfere with sexual performance.
  • Age: As men age, it’s common for sexual function to decline, including a decrease in libido and difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection.
  • Lack of Physical Exercise: Not engaging in regular physical exercise can lead to poor blood circulation and overall physical health, which can impact sexual function.

You can be suffering from a combination of all of these or just some, but the most common reasons why a man has issues lasting longer in bed is due to at least one of the above reasons. Take a moment to evaluate your life to determine if you need to discuss your issue with a doctor, or make lifestyle habit changes to overcome this issue.

In some milder cases, such as having an issue with lasting longer due to diet changes or anxiety, a drink to later longer in bed may just help you resolve the issue quickly.

When is the best time to drink a bedroom cocktail?

The timing for taking a bedroom cocktail can vary depending on the specific ingredients and the desired effects. However, in general, it’s recommended to take the cocktail about 30 minutes to an hour before sexual activity.

This allows time for the ingredients to be absorbed into the bloodstream and begin to take effect. It’s also important to follow the recommended dosage and not exceed it, as some ingredients can have adverse effects in high doses.

It’s worth noting that a bedroom cocktail should not be relied on as a sole solution for sexual performance issues. It’s important to also prioritize healthy lifestyle habits, such as regular exercise, a balanced diet, and good sleep hygiene, which can all contribute to overall sexual health and performance.

Additionally, communication with a partner is crucial for a satisfying sexual experience, and seeking professional help from a healthcare provider or therapist may be necessary for more serious performance issues.

What herbs help you get hard?

If you’re not into drinking an entire drink to last longer in bed, you can always find a way to incorporate some of the herbs that help you get hard. These are great to mix in with caffeinated beverages, or to take as a supplement with Elm and Rye libido drink to last longer in bed.

Panax ginseng

Also known as Korean ginseng, this herb has been used for centuries as an aphrodisiac and to improve erectile function. Some studies have suggested that it may help to improve sexual performance in men with erectile dysfunction (ED).

Maca

This root vegetable from Peru has been used for its aphrodisiac properties for centuries. Some studies have suggested that it may help to improve sexual function and desire, particularly in men with mild to moderate ED.

Horny goat weed

This herb has been used in traditional Chinese medicine for centuries as a natural aphrodisiac. Some studies have suggested that it may help to improve sexual function and desire in men with ED.

Tribulus terrestris

This herb has been traditionally used to enhance sexual function and improve libido. Some studies have suggested that it may help to improve erectile function and sexual desire in men with ED.

As you can see there are plenty of ways to help you drink to last longer in bed, just remember that using alcoholic beverages may be a bad idea. While some people can benefit from one night lasting longer in bed, having alcoholic drinks to last longer in bed is not an excellent long-term solution to erectile dysfunction and sexual stamina.

Now that you know more about the herbs and drinks that last longer in bed, it’s time to elaborate more on the top drinks recommended earlier in this article. Below you’ll find your full cocktail breakdown, including why each of the recommended drinks to last longer in bed will help you improved your sex life soon.

1. Pomegranate juice combined with Elm and Rye Libido supplement

Combining the Elm and Rye libido supplement with pomegranate juice is a full cocktail blend to help improve stamina and last longer in bed. Elm and Rye libido supplements are traditionally used to boost libido and enhance sexual performance. They contain all the right ingredients to help with testosterone levels, improve blood flow, and enhance stamina.

Pomegranate juice, on the other hand, is rich in antioxidants and nitrates that can help protect against oxidative damage and inflammation in the body. It also improves energy levels and enhances blood flow to the genital area, which can help improve sexual function.

When combined, these ingredients may work together to enhance sexual performance and increase stamina. The elm and rye libido supplement can help improve blood flow and boost testosterone levels, while the pomegranate juice can help improve energy levels and enhance blood flow to the genital area, which can help improve sexual function.

2. Beet Juice

Beet juice is a popular drink to last longer in bed as it’s been said to help improve sexual performance and increase stamina. This is because beets contain nitrates that help improve blood flow by relaxing blood vessels and increasing the availability of oxygen in the body. By doing so, beet juice can help you last longer in bed by improving blood flow and increasing stamina.

Firstly, beet juice contains nitrates which convert into nitric oxide in the body. Nitric oxide is a vasodilator that relaxes blood vessels, allowing for better blood flow throughout the body. Improved blood flow can help enhance sexual performance by increasing sensitivity and arousal.

Secondly, beet juice can help increase stamina and energy levels during sexual activity by delivering more oxygen and nutrients to the muscles, reducing fatigue, and increasing endurance.

It’s important to note that while the benefits of beet juice on sexual performance are not scientifically proven, some studies suggest that it may have a positive impact. Beet juice has numerous other health benefits, such as improving cardiovascular health and reducing inflammation, which may indirectly contribute to better sexual function.

3. Milk

Milk is a good source of calcium, vitamin D, and protein, all of which are important for maintaining bone health, muscle function, and overall well-being. Adequate levels of these nutrients may indirectly support sexual function and help reduce stress and anxiety levels, which can impact sexual performance.

Additionally, milk contains the amino acid tryptophan, which is a precursor to serotonin, a neurotransmitter that helps regulate mood and reduce stress. Reduced stress levels can help improve sexual function and increase sexual satisfaction.

4. Caffeinated Drinks

Caffeine is a natural central nervous system stimulant that can help increase mental alertness and physical energy levels. This may help improve focus and concentration during sexual activity, reducing distractions and enhancing pleasure.

Caffeine can also help increase endurance and reduce fatigue by stimulating the release of adrenaline, a hormone that prepares the body for physical activity. This can help men sustain sexual activity for a longer period, allowing them to last longer in bed.

However, it’s important to note that excessive caffeine consumption can lead to negative side effects, such as anxiety, restlessness, and insomnia, which may impact sexual function. Additionally, excessive caffeine intake can increase blood pressure and heart rate, which may be dangerous for individuals with certain medical conditions.

5. Aloe Vera Juice

Aloe vera is a succulent plant that has been used for centuries for its medicinal properties. Aloe vera juice is made by extracting the gel from the plant and mixing it with water or other liquids. It is known for its anti-inflammatory and antioxidant properties, and is often used to treat various health conditions such as digestive issues, skin problems, and even diabetes.

Studies have shown that aloe vera juice can also impact testosterone levels in men. Testosterone is an important hormone that is responsible for male sexual characteristics, as well as muscle mass, bone density, and overall energy levels. Low testosterone levels can lead to a variety of health problems, including fatigue, decreased libido, and even depression.

One study conducted on rats found that aloe vera supplementation increased testosterone levels and sperm quality. While more research is needed to confirm these findings in humans, there is evidence to suggest that aloe vera juice may have similar effects.

In addition to its potential impact on testosterone levels, aloe vera juice is also rich in vitamins, minerals, and other nutrients that can benefit overall health. For example, it contains vitamin C, which is important for immune function and collagen production, and vitamin E, which has antioxidant properties and can help protect against chronic diseases.

6. Banana Shake

Due to the presence of bromelain in bananas, a component known for its enzyme properties, banana shakes are a rich source of enzymes. This may potentially aid in improving sexual energy and libido. Consuming a banana shake on a daily basis is recommended, as it contains essential vitamins and nutrients that can increase energy levels and stamina.

7. Dark Chocolate Smoothie

Dark chocolate is rich in flavonoids, a type of antioxidant that has been shown to have many potential health benefits, including improving blood flow and reducing inflammation. Improved blood flow to the genital area can potentially aid in achieving and maintaining an erection.

One study conducted on male participants found that those who consumed a daily dose of cocoa powder over a period of several weeks experienced improvements in erectile function compared to those who did not consume cocoa powder. However, it’s important to note that this study used pure cocoa powder, not dark chocolate, and more research is needed to confirm these findings.

In addition to its potential impact on sexual function, dark chocolate is also known to contain various other nutrients and compounds that can benefit overall health. For example, it contains magnesium, which is important for muscle and nerve function, and iron, which is essential for blood production.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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New Research Suggests A Unique Way To Enhance Your Sex Life

— What do women find sexy?

By Mark Travers

A new study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior suggests that an unequal division of household labor can explain low sexual desire in women.

“The onus to fix women’s low sexual desire with things like medication, testosterone, stress-reduction, or mindfulness therapy can be unhelpful because it ignores bigger picture causes that include gender inequities,” say the authors of the study, led by Emily Harris of the University of Melbourne and Sari van Anders of Queen’s University in Canada.

In the past, researchers have focused on three factors that can have a negative impact on sexual desire. They are:

  • Individual factors (such as stress or hormonal imbalances)
  • Interpersonal factors (relationship or family issues)
  • Societal factors (access to information about sexuality and/or gender role stereotypes)

Interestingly, individual and interpersonal factors are commonly cited as an explanation for low sexual desire in women while societal factors have been largely ignored.

To test whether societal factors, such as an unequal division of household labor, could explain low sexual desire in women, the researchers conducted two online surveys. In the surveys, they asked women to report (1) their sexual desire in their relationship, (2) the division of household labor (such as doing laundry and cooking meals) and how they felt about it, and (3) whether their partners were dependent on them or not.

The results showed that:

  1. Women who did a larger proportion of the household labor relative to their partners experienced reduced sexual desire
  2. Women who did more household labor were more likely to perceive this to be unfair and perceived their partners as dependent on them – both of which were associated with lower sexual desire.

In other words, for a happy and (sexually) healthy relationship, couples should do their best to divide the household labor fairly. This, of course, is easier said than done in a world where traditional gender roles are still widely upheld.

To combat gender stereotypes, the authors advise women to talk to their partners about equally dividing housework. Men can also check in with their partners to decide on the chores they think they would be able to share.

The authors remind women that asking for an equal distribution of household responsibilities does not mean that they are asking for “help.” This only means that they are asking for a fair(er) distribution of work in the home.

If male partners seem uncooperative or unresponsive, seeking out professional relationship counseling can help. Counseling can also provide hesitant women with the tools they need to initiate what might be an uncomfortable conversation.

The authors offer three pieces of advice for men who want to address the issue proactively:

  • Be curious and open. See where inequities lie and how you can make changes that help your significant other feel more supported in the house.
  • Talk. Communication is essential in relationships. Let your partner know that you’d like to explore ways to lighten their load around the house.
  • Take action. In most cultures, women are expected to be the unpaid project managers of the household. By showing that you’d like to make chores a team effort, you’ll likely find that every aspect of your relationship improves, even your sex life.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Be Good at Sex

By Tom Rasmussen

I’m lying there in the dark, and it’s just not that good. I’ve had mind-blowing sex before, and I am going to have it again. But tonight I’m tired from work; the dog has diarrhea; it’s really cold; I’m kind of worried about money. And the sex just isn’t that good.

As I lie there in the dark, I start to recall memories buried deep about other times the sex wasn’t that good. There was the time I cried during and again after because I couldn’t stop thinking about my grandma who had just passed. There was that time when I said yes but I just meant “if it’ll get you off my back” and I just lay there like a jelly baby—stiff yet somehow squidgy. He’ll never text me again. There was the time when he hadn’t showered and I just couldn’t break past an unnameable smell, so I just sort of idly let him masturbate onto my face while holding my breath for as long as possible. And then there were all the times that I have forgotten where the sex was just a nothing: functional at best but forgettable entirely.

Up to now I have prided myself on being a good shag. My friends and I often categorize people behind their backs as shaggers or not. And I am definitely a shagger. (Quick aside here, just so you can play the game too: A shagger can shag all night; a shagger would rather lose sleep if it meant having a shag; a shagger isn’t super picky—they love both the person they are having sex with and the act of sex itself; a shagger may not shower after sex—but in a hot way.)

Being a shagger, before my friends and I coined the term, kind of became my identity in my 20s. Because in order to grapple with being gay in public, declaring myself the biggest slut at the dinner table was a way to get ahead of the shame I felt for being gay: I’ll control the narrative before it can be controlled for me—classic PR. In this strange space of gay-slut visibility, I would bulldoze all conversations with the most outrageous thing I could think of, and for the most part, it worked: impressing dinner partygoers the city over, as I would regale them with stories that made them feel like downright sluts by proxy.

But here I lie in the dark, worried this power might be ebbing from me. Oh fuck! I think, I’ve lost the golden goose, I’ve dropped the Holy Grail and it’s shattered all over the floor.

Monday comes and I’m thinking about this a lot. I’m pacing up and down and thinking about all the times I was not only a mediocre shag but a bad one. There was the time I stopped halfway through, the time I fell asleep with my ex-boyfriend, the time he just turned around and was like, “Sorry, this just isn’t working for me.” I decide to ask my husband, and he tells me that I’m the best sex he’s ever had. Whatever. He took vows.

I message someone I’m seeing: You’re brilliant, he replies. Sure. He has to say that. I go on to a dating app and message someone I slept with a week ago, and he replies, “Had a great time, we should do it again.” I don’t really want to, so I reply and say, “Sure! Would be lovely!” knowing I’ll forget his name in a few weeks.

How can I know if I’m good at something? Can I be good at something all the time? Can I be anything all the time? I have a friend who is a devout vegan, but every now and then, when she gets super drunk, she will eat a bucket of chicken wings. When I first found out, I was quick to judge, even though I’m a carnivore. And she said that it’s better to be a vegan 98% of the time, surely.

She’s right. One simply can’t be 100% anything at all times—there is no surefire way to get a five-star rating on my performance during sex, just like I can’t on Uber, it seems. And that’s because both sex and riding in Ubers involve another person with their own context, their own standards, their own history, and their own consciousness. That is why sex is so exciting—it’s a collaboration, an equation. Not just a reflection.

The bad sex in my life has been exactly the latter. It’s been about the sublimation of one ego over another or the struggle between whose ego gets to be sublimated. The bad sex has been had in ignorance of my own desires, where I seek to please or modify or mutate myself around somebody else. I’m sure people have had that experience with me too and left sex that I thought was good feeling like it was awful—telling their friends they had the worst shag with someone who thought they were a shagger.

At the beginning of last year, I decided that I was going to try to have only really good sex. I was going to stop saying yes to mid sex just because having it made me feel less lonely or because it validated some indefatigable need to be shown, over and over again, that someone—anyone—wants to fuck me and that must mean that this fleshy sack of mine has some value.

Since then I have noticed much more the intricacies of pleasure. It’s like a roller-coaster ride: Sometimes I’m rising slowly, sometimes I’m thrashing down a giant rickety track, sometimes it feels euphoric, and other times it feels awful and I wonder why I decided to buckle up in the first place. The truth is that sex got better since I was able to hold the idea in my head that many things can be true at once. That sex changes minute to minute. That a deeper understanding of the other person is what I’m seeking and hopefully they are seeking that from me. Sometimes there are misunderstandings, sometimes I read a person’s signals wrong or they mine, but sometimes everyone’s needs and wants are syncopated and there you have it: mind-blowing sex.

This sex is elusive; it’s hard to find, it takes work, like all good things. We aren’t born with an innate knowledge of how to be a good lover, and what that looks like changes as we do. It is absurd and egotistical to imagine we are simply a good shag, that we can (or would want to!) do it like they do in the pornos every time and be all clean, moaning, and perfect timing. Sex is a mess, and in moving through it, working with it, taking time and care and thought, we can find pleasure. And so who knows if you’re a good lover. But one thing I do know is that I am very good (most of the time) at trying to be, and maybe—short of texting every ex a questionnaire entitled “Was I a Good Fuck?”—that’s enough.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Erectile Dysfunction

— A Penis Problem That Is Rarely a Penis Issue

Changes in sexual function may be a sign that something else is wrong with your health.

By Chaunie Brusie, RN, BSN

If you have noticed problems with your sexual function or performance that weren’t evident previously, such as not being able to get or maintain an erection, you could have a form of erectile dysfunction (ED). The possible causes of ED are many, but very rarely is an actual physical issue with the penis to blame.

ED may feel like a physical penis problem, but it’s usually caused by another, more systemic medical issue.

“We like to say that the penis is like the canary in the coal mine,” said Miguel A. Pineda, M.D., the director of male sexual dysfunction of urology at Staten Island University Hospital in New York. “When the penis starts having dysfunction, it might be an early sign that other parts of the body, like the heart, could also start having dysfunction in the near future.”

It is important that people understand ED is often just the tip of the iceberg. It could be a sign to look deeper for other health problems.

Why ED can mean bigger problems

ED is often one of the first signs a male might have a systemic health issue. Why? Because in order for an erection to occur, there’s actually a great deal of “behind the scenes” work that has to happen, explained Kevin Chu, M.D., a urologist and men’s health specialist at Advanced Urology in Los Angeles and a co-host of the podcast “Man Up: A Doctor’s Guide to Men’s Health.”

“There are many systems within your body that work in concordance and are required for the penis to get an erection,” he said. “This includes adequate blood circulation, nerves and hormone levels. Additionally, emotional status and psychological well-being are very important. These systems act on a systematic level, so it just happens that many times the first sign there could be an issue is in the penis with erectile dysfunction.”

In other words, a successful erection requires a lot of different systems to be working properly in the body. And if there is a breakdown in any of those systems, it could manifest as ED.

Beyond the penis

Erections rely on penile tissue filling up with blood, so any circulatory system issue can impact a person’s ability to achieve an erection. Even a seemingly minor issue without other obvious symptoms could cause blood vessel damage over time that could lead to ED.

“Most of the time, [ED] is related to decreased blood flow to the penis,” Pineda explained. “When this problem with blood flow happens, it’s rarely ever just to the penis.”

Blood flow to the penis can decrease naturally as people get older, but some medical conditions accelerate the problem. These include diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol.

“Usually, the blood flow is decreased throughout the body, including a decreased blood flow to the heart, which is obviously most important,” Pineda noted.

Lifestyle factors such as smoking, excessive alcohol consumption, drug use and lack of exercise are contributors, Chu added. Obesity, too, could eventually result in lower testosterone levels, which can also contribute to erectile dysfunction.

ED isn’t just about a physical medical problem; mental health conditions can also have a direct impact on a person’s sexual function. Chu said anxiety, depression and stress are psychological ailments that can contribute to ED.

Even if a psychological issue is not a contributing factor, research suggests some sort of psychological consequence will occur once ED has manifested. ED can often lead to feelings of shame, isolation and anxiety, so it’s important to treat both the physical and emotional aspects of the condition.

In some instances, ED can be directly attributed to a physical malfunction of the penis. For instance, prostate surgery or trauma to the penis or pelvic area can have an impact on localized blood circulation or nerves that could negatively affect erectile function. Scar formation from such injuries can contribute, too.

What doctors will want to know

If you are having erectile difficulties and haven’t spoken to a doctor about your symptoms, it might be time for a checkup. A physician will most likely start with some basic bloodwork, including checking your testosterone levels, Chu said.

“It really is specialized to the assessment of the patient from the first visit,” he said. “In certain instances, I may utilize duplex ultrasounds, which evaluate penile blood flow.”

Let your doctor know what medications you are taking, what conditions you might have, what surgeries you have had and what kind of stressors you are experiencing. They all factor into an erectile dysfunction diagnosis.

Your doctor will also want to know about any significant family history, including if there’s a history of ED. The systemic issues behind the condition are often hereditary, so you may be screened for those medical conditions.

A history of coronary artery disease (CAD) is significant because it is strongly associated with ED, according to Pineda, since both are due to decreased blood flow through the arteries.

Inform your doctor if you or any first-degree relatives have other diseases that can affect the flow of blood through arteries. These include diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol, which will predispose you to ED.

The assessment will also include a physical examination and a detailed medical, sexual and psychosocial history. It might sound strange, but looking beyond physical symptoms is important in both assessing and treating ED.

For instance, Chu stressed what he calls the “biopsychosocial” approach.

“All three aspects—biological, psychological and social-environmental factors—are interconnected and required for an adequate erection to be achieved,” he explained. “A lot of times, the focus is on the biological aspect, and that is what most patients only want to be forthcoming about. The psychological and social-environmental factors are just as important and should be mentioned to the doctor.”

Pineda encourages anyone who is having symptoms of ED to be honest with their doctor because treatment for ED is often available.

In addition, mentioning to your doctor that you have ED will open up the evaluation for other diseases that are related.

One of the newest ED treatments on the market is Eddie®, an FDA-registered Class II medical device designed to treat erectile dysfunction and improve male sexual performance. In 2021 clinical trials, Eddie proved effective in treating men with physically, psychologically and pharmacologically induced ED. Its penis-specific shape optimizes blood flow as it puts pressure on the veins of the penis but not the arteries. Blood can get in and is kept there.

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Exercise Can Help Men Last Longer During Sex

— A new research review concludes that running, yoga, and pelvic floor workouts can all help solve the problem of premature ejaculation.

One study found that running 30 minutes five times a week was as effective as medication for men who experience premature ejaculation.

By Becky Upham

Exercise could be as effective as pharmaceutical treatments in treating premature ejaculation, according to a new study published in the journal Trends in Urology and Men’s Health.

The review looked at 54 studies and nearly 3,500 participants to examine the effectiveness of nondrug interventions for premature ejaculation.

“We know premature ejaculation is a common complaint among men worldwide. The lack of a clear definition of what is or isn’t premature ejaculation has repercussions in terms of treatment, and there are relatively few effective drugs available,” said senior author Lee Smith, PhD, professor of public health at Anglia Ruskin University in Cambridge, England, in a press release.

The findings of this review suggest that physical exercise, including running and pelvic floor workouts, can help treat premature ejaculation, said Dr. Smith.

How Common Is Premature Ejaculation?

Because there hasn’t been a single definition of premature ejaculation, estimates on how many men experience it vary widely, according to the U.K. researchers. Depending on the study, prevalence ranges from 30 percent to 83 percent of men, they wrote. 

Mayo Clinic defines premature ejaculation as a man ejaculating sooner than he wants to while having sex. If it happens only rarely, it isn’t cause for concern.

A man might be diagnosed with premature ejaculation in the following scenarios:

  • Always or nearly always ejaculates within 1 to 3 minutes of penetration
  • Is never or rarely able to delay ejaculation during sex
  • Feels distressed and frustrated about timing of ejaculation and tends to avoid sexual intimacy as a result

Regular Exercise Can Help Men Delay Ejaculation

The authors found that regular physical activity as an intervention had promising results in many of the studies they analyzed in their research review.

For example, a study with 105 participants found that running for 30 minutes five times a week helped extend latency time (time until ejaculation occurs) as much as taking dapoxetine, a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) drug approved for use in premature ejaculation outside the United States.

Two other studies linked yoga with statistically significant improvements in delaying ejaculation.

Pelvic Floor Exercises May Also Help

Exercising pelvic floor muscles was also shown to have some benefits. Men who practiced pelvic floor exercises increased latency time from a median of 1 minute to 3 minutes.

Pelvic floor muscles play a role in ejaculation, and men who can strengthen and improve pelvic muscle control may be able to delay ejaculation by relaxing their perineal muscles, according to the Sexual Medicine Society of North America (SMSNA).

Also called Kegel exercises, pelvic floor workouts can help strengthen these muscles, according to Mayo Clinic.

Medication for Premature Ejaculation Is Limited

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has not approved any drugs specifically for premature ejaculation, though physicians may prescribe some medications off-label.

Topical numbing agents can reduce sensation and help delay ejaculation. There are also oral medications that may help delay orgasm, including antidepressants, pain relievers, and drugs used for erectile dysfunction, according to the American Urological Association.

“Given that drugs often have side effects, it appears that after all, the best medicine for avoiding premature ejaculation may well lie in exercise, and this possibility requires larger studies and further investigation,” said Smith.

Treating Erectile Dysfunction May Help Treat Premature Ejaculation

Some of the studies included in the review found benefits when the men with premature ejaculation were also treated for concurrent erectile dysfunction (ED), notes Raevti Bole, MD, a urologist at Cleveland Clinic, who was not involved in the research.

“I would agree that treating ED (if present) is a very important initial treatment,” she says.

It’s Important to Consider Multiple Treatment Options

Systematic reviews can be useful in that they are able to consolidate the results of many studies, says Dr. Bole.

But even a well-executed systematic review is only as good as the studies that are included, she points out. Because many of the studies the review included didn’t use the same definition of premature ejaculation, there may be different types of patients with varying degrees of premature ejaculation, says Bole.

“The studies included also had small numbers of patients, which makes it difficult to tell whether the result was due to the treatment or chance,” she adds.

Nevertheless, the review shows that it’s important to consider multiple options when treating premature ejaculation. “A lot of factors affect premature ejaculation, including hormones, stress, anxiety, prior sexual episodes, and [overall] erectile function,” she says.

Because every patient is a little different, there is no one-size-fits-all treatment. “Medication, exercise, counseling, sex therapy, yoga, pelvic floor rehabilitation, treating underlying medical conditions — all of these things play a role,” she says.

Concerned About Premature Ejaculation? Talk With Your Physician

It’s also important for patients to understand that many men may be concerned about premature ejaculation, and there’s no shame in talking about it with their doctor, says Bole.

“Many times, patients will talk to us and realize that they’re very much within normal range for ejaculatory latency. They just didn’t know what ‘normal’ was,” says Bole. “But if we do diagnose an issue, we can work together to come up with a solution.”

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When Cancer Upends Your Sex Life

— Despite a wave of new research around cancer treatment and sexual health, women say their issues are still being dismissed. Here’s how and where to get help.

By Catherine Pearson

Débora Lindley López was 28 when she was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer. Within three weeks, she began chemotherapy and was thrust into medically induced menopause. Ms. Lindley López developed vaginal dryness so severe that her skin began to deteriorate and was covered in small, paper cut-like tears. Urinating was uncomfortable; sex, agonizing.

But when Ms. Lindley López, now 31, told her oncologist about her vaginal pain and about how her libido had evaporated almost overnight, she said he responded dismissively, telling her that if he had a penny for every time he heard these complaints he’d be a rich man sitting on a beach. He suggested that she confide in the nurse about those symptoms, Ms. Lindley López said.

“It was awful,” she said, tearing up. “It made me feel like, how could I even be thinking about anything else other than cancer? The fact that I would even ask felt shameful.”

Cancer can devastate a woman’s sexual function in countless ways, both during treatment and for years down the road. Chemo can cause vaginal dryness and atrophy, similar to what Ms. Lindley López experienced, but it can also prompt issues like mouth sores, nausea and fatigue. Surgery, like a hysterectomy or mastectomy, can rob women of sensations integral to sexual arousal and orgasm. Pelvic radiation therapy can lead to vaginal stenosis, the shortening and narrowing of the vagina, making intercourse excruciating, if not impossible. Sadness, stress and body image issues can snuff out any sense of sexual desire.

“The damage that is done is not only physical, though women certainly experience damage to their bodies from the cancer and from the treatments,” said Dr. Elena Ratner, a gynecologic oncologist with the Yale Medicine Sexuality, Intimacy and Menopause Program. “From the diagnosis to the fear of recurrence to how they see their bodies, they feel like their whole sense of self is different.”

Over the past decade, and particularly in the last few years, there has been a marked increase in studies on how cancer upends women’s sex lives, during treatment and after. Dr. Ratner and other experts who work at the intersection of cancer care and sexual health feel encouraged that the research world has finally begun to grapple with those complex side effects — ones that had been all but ignored in previous generations of women, she said.

Just last year, for instance, a study found that 66 percent of women with cancer experienced sexual dysfunction, like orgasm problems and pain, while nearly 45 percent of young female cancer survivors remained uninterested in sex more than a year post diagnosis. Researchers also found a high prevalence of issues like vaginal dryness, fatigue and concerns around body image among women with lung cancer — findings that highlight the toll all types of cancer (not just breast or gynecologic) can take.

And yet, some of that very same research — combined with stories from patients, advocates and doctors — suggests that the increase in scientific interest has not made much of a practical difference for women. While Ms. Lindley López’s story offers an extreme example of provider indifference on the topic, experts say the challenges she faced when trying to seek help for her issues are not unique.

“The number of women affected by sexual health concerns after a cancer diagnosis is huge, and the need for these women to have access to medical care for sexual dysfunction after cancer is enormous,” said Dr. Laila Agrawal, a medical oncologist specializing in breast cancer at Norton Cancer Institute in Louisville, Ky.

“There’s a gap between the need and the availability for women to get this care.”

Why better research hasn’t really led to better treatment

Sharon Bober, a psychologist and director of the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute’s Sexual Health Program, said several factors have helped move the needle on research. For one, survivorship is growing (in 2022, there were 18.1 million male and female cancer survivors in the United States; by 2032, there are projected to be 22.5 million). There is also a greater understanding within medicine and society at large that sex and sexuality are an important component of overall health, Dr. Bober said. Since 2018, she added, the American Society of Clinical Oncology has urged providers to initiate a discussion with every adult cancer patient — female and male — about the potential effects of cancer and cancer treatment on sex.

But some women say they’re still greeted with silence.

Cynthia Johnson, a 44-year-old from Texas, who was diagnosed with Stage 2 breast cancer at age 39, said she was “grateful for life and lifesaving treatments.” But that does not negate her frustration that not one of her doctors ever brought up her sexual health.

“They don’t tell you going into it that you are going to experience dryness. They don’t tell you that you are going to experience lack of desire,” Ms. Johnson said. “They don’t tell you that if you do, on the off chance, get in the mood to do something, it’s going to feel like razor blades.”

Surveys support her experience and also suggest there are significant gender discrepancies in who gets queried about sex. A 2020 survey of 391 cancer survivors found, for instance, that 53 percent of male patients were asked about their sexual health by a health care provider, while only 22 percent of female patients said the same. And findings presented last year at the annual meeting of the American Society for Radiation Oncology, focusing on 201 patients undergoing radiation for cervical or prostate cancer, concluded that 89 percent of men were asked about their sexual health at their initial consult, compared to 13 percent of women.

Dr. Jamie Takayesu, a radiation oncology resident physician at the University of Michigan Rogel Cancer Center and a lead author on the study, said the research was inspired by her own nagging sense that she wasn’t asking female patients about sex often enough, and she suspected her colleagues weren’t either. She has a few hypotheses about why: Prostate cancer has a high survival rate, she said, so doctors may be more inclined to focus on quality of life issues with treatment. But she also noted there were “better” and “more formalized tools” to assess sexual function in men, and that many cancer doctors — herself included — got little to no training in how to talk about sex.

Doctors say that until that changes, these types of conversations are unlikely to become standard in practice.

“This must be rolled into routine inquiry, so that it’s not something special or different, and it’s not based on a health care provider’s perspective about whether someone is sexually active,” Dr. Bober said. “I’ve had so many women say to me over time, ‘Nobody asked.’”

How and where to get help

Despite those significant headwinds, effective treatment options and interventions do exist.

Both Dr. Ratner and Dr. Bober work in multidisciplinary sexual health programs that, in many ways, represent the gold standard of care. A patient might see a gynecologist, a pelvic floor therapist who can help with treatment options like dilator therapy and a psychologist who can address emotional struggles. (Dr. Bober said that, until very recently, she could probably count the number of these centers on one hand; now she estimates there are “more than 10 and under 100” nationwide.)

A year and a half after her cancer diagnosis, Ms. Lindley López drove to one such center at Northwestern University in Chicago. At her visit, she saw a clinical sexologist who teared up during the pelvic exam. “She said, ‘You’re 29 and your vaginal area looks like you’re about 80,’” Ms. Lindley López recalled. The sexologist gave her information about laser therapy vaginal rejuvenation and recommended several estrogen creams to help with vaginal atrophy.

It was comforting “just sitting down in that office, and having someone put her hand on my shoulder and say: ‘Hey, this is important. And anybody who tells you that this is not important, is wrong,’” Ms. Lindley López said.

While they are becoming more plentiful, these types of programs still tend to exist in large hospitals or major urban cancer centers and many women in the United States may not live close enough, or have the resources or health insurance coverage, to regularly access such care. But even if going to a sexual health center is not possible, most women just need a “home base,” said Lisa Egan, a physician assistant with a focus on gynecologic oncology who leads the Sexual Health in Women Impacted by Cancer Program at Oregon Health & Science University.

Who that “home base” is can vary; it just needs to be a provider that offers help and support. Ms. Egan said it could be the patient’s primary care doctor or a cancer doctor or nurse; Dr. Bober said it might be a gynecologist or a sex therapist. Dr. Agrawal also noted that the International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health had a database of providers who focused at least partially on female sexual health issues, so it could be a useful jumping-off point. To ascertain if providers are in a good position to help, it may be useful to ask outright about what their experience has been helping women with sexual dysfunction during and after cancer, and if they would feel comfortable helping you put together a plan for addressing your concerns — even if that means referring you out to other clinicians, Dr. Bober said.

All of the doctors interviewed for this story also noted that online communities and advocacy groups could be helpful resources. Ms. Johnson, for instance, is an ambassador at For the Breast of Us, which provides community and support for women of color impacted by breast cancer; Ms. Lindley López works for the Young Survival Coalition, a nonprofit focusing specifically on the needs of young adults with breast cancer. These kinds of groups offer a platform for women to swap information, connect with providers and find solidarity — particularly as the medical world struggles to fully address their needs.

“I really want women with cancer to know that sexual health problems are treatable medical problems, and they can get better,” Dr. Agrawal said. “I just want to offer that out as hope.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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5 Facts All Men Should Know About Sexual Problems and Dysfunction

Male sexual dysfunction can include a wide variety of problems, ranging from low libido, erectile dysfunction (ED), premature ejaculation, and other issues. While many men know that these issues are common, they can be difficult to talk about. In fact, many men wait several months, or even years, before raising the issue with their primary care physician.

Thankfully, both normal and abnormal male sexual function are now better understood medically than ever before. Dr. Sharon Parish, Professor of Medicine in Clinical Psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medicine, maintains an active faculty practice specializing in sexual medicine. “I use an integrated, holistic approach, looking at the whole man,” explained Dr. Parish. “Often, men will first see a urologist and then are referred to me for a more detailed evaluation and discussion of their overall health.”

Here, Dr. Parish shares her insight as to the connection between male sexual, physical, and mental health.

Sexual problems may signal a cardiovascular or other medical issues

“Any man that experiences a change in libido, erection, or ejaculation should bring this up to their primary care physician,” said Dr. Parish. Any issue that lasts for several months may indicate a more serious medical issue that should be addressed:

  • Early ejaculation can develop because of medication, nerve damage, or other direct urinary conditions
  • A change in libido or erection may be the first sign of diabetes
  • Problems with libido or erection may be related to a hormonal imbalance
  • Problems with erection may be a sign of a cardiovascular issue or prostate cancer

There is a strong link between sexual function and mental health

Mental health issues — including depression, anxiety, and other psychiatric illnesses — can lead to many different types of sexual disorders. “It’s clear that there is a strong connection between ED and depression,” asserted Dr. Parish. “Women, on the other hand, who experience depression are more likely to see a decrease in libido. It’s very important to diagnose the psychiatric illness first to improve sexual function.”

Sexual function is often improved by addressing, managing, and alleviating anxiety and depression. “There are many helpful therapies,” Dr. Parish explained, “including mindfulness, cognitive behavioral therapy, and relaxation techniques to help one be more present in the experience and enjoy it more fully.”

Medications for mental illness may cause sexual function changes, to varying degrees

“There is a wide misconception that the medications for mental illness cause sexual problems, but the data is clear that sexual function is more likely to improve when the mental illness is treated,” said Dr. Parish. “It’s not a good idea to avoid the medication because of the potential side effects.”

Fifty to 70 percent of men do not experience any sexual side effects from medications, and men taking medications for serious psychiatric disorders are more likely to experience a sexual side effect.

“If you do experience sexual problems as a result of a medication,” Dr. Parish explained, “work with your doctor to manage the side effects. Several drugs are known to produce lesser side effects.”

Again, Dr. Parish emphasized the importance of mental health for sexual health. “The key,” she stated, “is to treat the mental disorder and then the sexual disorder. It’s best to get the condition treated and work with the doctor to manage the side effects.”

With age, some changes in sexual function are normal

Some changes in sexual drive, performance, and function are normal parts of aging. “As men get older,” said Dr. Parish, “they may need more time for foreplay or direct stimulation. If this isn’t enough to improve normal age-related changes in sexual function, sex therapy can be very beneficial.”

However, if the changes are dramatic or difficult to work through, Dr. Parish suggested talking to a primary care physician. “Your doctor can help you differentiate normal changes from more problematic issues, including medical issues,” she said. “Don’t assume it’s a normal change that comes from getting older.”

Improving overall health can improve sexual performance

Dr. Parish ascribes to the “biopsychosocial model” for overall and sexual health. “There is so much interconnectivity when it comes to our health,” she explained. “It’s important to take a holistic view.”

Indeed, cardiovascular, neurological, hormonal, and psychological systems all interact together for sexual performance. A healthy lifestyle can significantly help improve sexual function — improving diet, achieving and maintaining a healthy weight, and exercising regularly all help promote greater overall health and, therefore, greater sexual health.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why can’t I have an orgasm?

— Sexperts share advice on achieving bedroom bliss

If you’ve been worrying, “Why can’t I have an orgasm?” no need to panic—the pros are here to help

By Danielle Valente

“Why can’t I have an orgasm?”

There’s no need to chuck your sex toys in the trash or skip out on a sofa sex adventure. Whether you’re experiencing something psychological or emotional that could be standing in the way of your sexual satisfaction, the pros are here to help you get back on track and revel in a satisfying O.

And, above all, it’s important to remember that the phenomenon isn’t a “make it or break it” deal.

“An orgasm isn’t the be-all and end-all of sex, nor does it define a sexual encounter,” Annabelle Knight, a sex and relationship at Lovehoney (opens in new tab) previously told My Imperfect Life.

That being said, it is still in pretty high demand, so allow the professionals to help walk you through any potential hiccups you might be experiencing.

There isn’t necessarily a clear-cut answer. While medical factors might inhibit some women from achieving orgasm, emotional hurdles might prevent others from having a satisfying experience. Regardless, the first step towards taking back the pleasure is identifying the problem.

“Many people may have anxiety that can interfere with the ability to relax and enjoy the present moment. This can lead to difficulty becoming aroused, achieving orgasm, and performance anxiety,” says sex and relationship expert Melissa Stone.

Though it may seem like everyday stressors wouldn’t be an issue in bed, that anxiety can carry over into your sex life, so it’s crucial to take an extra few steps towards calming your nerves.

“It is important to practice self-care and find healthy ways to manage stress and anxiety such as deep breathing and mindfulness meditation,” Stone says. “Additionally, talking to a therapist can help to explore deeper issues and find ways to cope with and manage them.”

When it comes to physical causes, everybody is different—quite literally. Hormone imbalances, medications and conditions like endometriosis could be contributors to your orgasm’s elusiveness. Another factor we oftentimes overlook is vaginal dryness, so perhaps it’s time to play around with different types of lube. Whatever the case might be, should you believe that the issue is pressing, make an appointment with your doctor. (And have a look at what gynecologists want you to know about your reproductive health.)

Melissa Stone is a sex and relationship expert at Joy Love Dolls, the “world’s leading authority on sexual exploration, adult toys and realistic dolls.

How to get back on track with your big O:

Before going into panic mode, there are methods to consider if you’re looking for that memorable final moment. Pippa Murphy, the sex and relationship expert at condoms.uk, and Stone, break down different remedies to consider.

1. Talk about sex

If you cannot orgasm with a partner, you have to be frank. Talking about sex is the key to making it better and analyzing what works and what might need some fine-tuning.

“Couples that communicate openly and honestly are more likely to maintain a stronger emotional connection, which naturally leads to better sex,” Murphy says.

Should you feel a little bit stressed about sex, you’ll be more relieved once you have an open dialogue.

2. Try using lube

There’s a lot of misconception about lube—don’t think that it can’t help you.

“Whilst many people believe that lube is strictly for those who suffer from dryness during sex, that certainly isn’t the case and can bring a lot of benefits to the bedroom,” Murphy says. “For example, it can enhance pleasure by creating different sensations like a warming or cooling effect wherever it’s applied. Plus, previous studies have shown that lube makes it 50% easier for everyone to orgasm. Need I say more?”

Have more Qs about lube? Don’t worry—we asked them so you don’t have to!

3. Experiment during solo sex

One-on-one time gives you the freedom to do as you please without the fear of judgment from a partner. Solo sex is necessary for you to find out what you like and what you could do without. Plus, the experts say masturbation is the key to women’s most intense orgasms.

4. Switch up positions

Should your go-to move not really feel satisfying, try switching things up. And don’t forget about erogenous zones—Murphy says a little extra attention in these spots will go a long way. (Plenty of sexperts make the case for nipple orgasms.)

5. Try foreplay

“Your brain is wired to experience more pleasure when the anticipation of a reward goes on for a long period, making foreplay even more key to an orgasm,” Murphy says. “So, if you feel that your partner rushes it, take control of the situation and ask them to slow down.”

We’ve rounded up fun foreplay ideas to get the ball rolling.

6. Don’t underestimate kissing

A simple smooch goes a long way. And science says kissing during sex increases the chance for orgasm.

“A study found that couples who kiss for at least six seconds had the most successful relationships. This is because the kiss gives you enough time to get out of your brain and, instead, be in the moment,” Murphy says. “Chances are you may get more sexually stimulated as time goes on, increasing your chances of orgasming.”

7. Stay present

Though at times it’s easier said than done, remember the importance of staying in the moment. Don’t let your thoughts drift.

“Relax and try to enjoy sex. If what goes through your mind during sex isn’t exactly sexy (e.g., “What am I doing wrong?”), it’s easy to lose sight of what matters most — enjoying yourself in the moment,” Murphy says. “So instead of focusing on how things should be or what’s going wrong, try thinking about what feels good and what makes you happy.”

While you’re at it, be sure to have a gander at the best sex tips ever and the 2023 sex trends dominating the bedroom. And again, should the orgasm issue persist, don’t be afraid to seek professional advice from a doctor.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Ever Feel Sad After Sex?

— You Might Have Post-Coital Dysphoria

What Are the Post-Sex Blues? Here’s How To Deal With This Common Issue

BY Rebecca Strong

After sex, some people feel a sense of euphoria, relaxation, and closeness to their partner. But that’s not the case for everyone.

According to a 2019 study, almost half of men report feeling sad, distant, or irritable after sex. This is often called “post-coital dysphoria” (PCD), or the post-sex blues. But why does it happen? And are there ways to treat it?

First things first: PCD is nothing to be ashamed of. As previously noted, it’s super common. More importantly, experts say it’s nothing to worry about, and often just goes away on its own with time.

That said, if this condition is negatively impacting your sex life, relationship, or overall mental well-being, know that there are things you can do to cope — starting with pinpointing what’s driving your PCD.

Here’s what to know about the common signs and causes of PCD, and how to treat it.

What Are the Signs of Post-Coital Dysphoria?

Experts say PCD can manifest in different ways. You may be experiencing this condition if you feel any of the following after sex:

  • Aggravated
  • Sad
  • Apathetic
  • Restless
  • Uneasy

These feelings may set in immediately after sex, or up to an hour or two after you finish.

Depending on personality and history, a person experiencing PCD may start crying or seem easily annoyed, says Dr. Carla Marie Manly, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert.

“Some people with PCD may feel the need to leave the room or the situation altogether,” she explains.

What Causes Post-Coital Dysphoria?

A 2019 study found that PCD is linked to:

  • Psychological distress
  • Childhood sexual abuse
  • Sexual dysfunctions

If you’ve had traumatic sexual experiences or are currently dealing with sexual dysfunction, then intimate situations can trigger all kinds of negative emotions — like fear or shame.

There are many other possible causes, too.

Since you have higher levels of the feel-good chemical dopamine during sex, your body releases the hormone prolactin afterward to bring you back to your baseline.

In other words, you go from a major high to a sudden crash. According to Tufts University, that post-coital drop in dopamine may contribute to a low mood or other symptoms of PCD.

According to Dr. Lori Beth Bisbey, a therapist and sex and intimacy coach, performance anxiety can also be a factor.

“A history of depression, anxiety, or trauma can certainly aggravate PCD or increase the likelihood of it,” adds Manly.

“For example,” she explains, “if a person is already sad or depressed, the feelings can be magnified if the sexual intimacy was not connective or fulfilling. As well, if other stressors such as arguments, financial unrest, body issue images, etc. are at play these issues can be exacerbated given the vulnerability involved in sexual intimacy.”

How PCD Can Impact Your Sex Life & Relationship

“Post-coital dysphoria is unlikely to have a major impact on your sexual and romantic life if it’s experienced rarely,” says Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist, research fellow at The Kinsey Institute and founder of Sex & Psychology. “However, if it’s a common occurrence, it can potentially be distressing — especially if you have a partner who does not understand it or takes it personally, in which case it may become a source of conflict.”

According to Manly, PCD can create ongoing feelings of disconnection, particularly if your partner notices that you seem cold or distant after sex.

Bisbey notes that PCD can also lead you to avoid sex and the negative feelings associated with it. Over time, this avoidance can begin to take a toll on your overall intimacy and relationship satisfaction.

“You may choose to use pornography instead of intimacy with a partner as solo sex often feels emotionally safer due to the lack of vulnerability,” adds Manly. “Over time, unaddressed PCD can actually tear a relationship apart due to the lack of emotional and sexual intimacy.”

How to Treat Post-Coital Dysphoria

If PCD is something you only experience once in a while, Lehmiller says it’s nothing to worry about.

“Psychologists think this may be a normal variation that sometimes happens following sex and that we shouldn’t pathologize it,” he explains.

On the other hand, if PCD is a persistent issue for you, and is triggering feelings of anxiety or depression, or negatively impacting your sex life or relationship, Lehmiller suggests consulting with a sex therapist. A licensed provider may be able to help you get to the root cause of the issue, whether it’s related to a mood disorder, an underlying sexual dysfunction, or a history of trauma.

Bisbey notes that it can also be helpful to tell your doctor about your symptoms of PCD, as they can help rule out any physical health issues that may be causing it.

While psychotherapy can be tremendously helpful, Manly notes that there are many other ways to address PCD — such as through support groups, self-help books, or journaling.

Manly also highly recommends being open and honest with your partner about the symptoms you’re experiencing. By openly discussing your feelings before, during, or after sex, you’re giving your partner an opportunity to be more supportive and accommodating.

“When partners work together to face PCD and address the issues with compassion, the relationship can actually become stronger and more loving,” adds Manly.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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My Husband and I Are in a Long-Distance Relationship

—And It’s Actually Pretty Great

By Vrutika Shah

The world has never been kind to a long-distance relationship. While life never tires of throwing lemons your way with the utmost unpredictability, you never see pop culture deliver a fairytale romance that gives the hardest kind of relationship its due credit. On the contrary, it’s dismissed as a facade for underlying, superficial intentions. On an episode of How I Met Your Mother, protagonist Ted Mosby sums it up by saying, “Long distance is just a lie teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college.” Even in these fictional tales, if the love story somehow results in a happy ending, there are elements of infidelity that often come into play. However, as someone who’s been in a six-year long-distance relationship that culminated in marriage, I’m here to tell you that it’s not that bad. In fact, it’s actually pretty great.

My husband and I met like most other couples, at a common friend’s party in 2017. He works in the merchant navy and is usually away at sea for six months at a time. We began dating within six months of meeting one other and got married earlier this year. Since he proposed to me in 2019, people who learn about my relationship usually react with a sympathetic head tilt and ask the same three questions. So, I’m answering them once and for all in the hope that someone might find respite in my story, especially in times when dating apps are wreaking havoc on romance.

To be honest, I’m kind of tired of the pessimism that comes hand-in-hand with the concept of long-distance relationships. Let’s begin with the premise that in order for your relationship to work, your partner and you should bring each other great joy, satisfy each other mentally and physically, and have no issues that cannot be solved with loving words. Like in any relationship, the red flags should be limited to the kind that you can tolerate because, let’s be real, nobody’s perfect and you too come with your own baggage.

The first argument against long-distance relationships is usually: How do you keep your sights locked onto just one person that you don’t see very often? This question always baffles me, because what’s the guarantee that your devotion towards one another won’t waiver even if you live in the same town as your partner? People cheat on one another despite living under the same roof, and the answer really boils down to the nature of your relationship and how much loyalty means to your partner and you. For my husband and me, in the first month of meeting one another and confessing our feelings, we placed loyalty significantly high on the list of things that had to be a part of our relationship for it to work. We went in with the mindset that we saw something long-term with one another. And since then, a third person has never entered the picture. We were both so confident in our connection that there was never a question of our sights yo-yo-ing, but we also shut down any advances made by a third party at the first instance. That’s not to say that monogamy should be the way for everybody—all I’m trying to say is that your partner and you need to be on the same page with clear priorities.

The second question I usually get from concerned friends and relatives is: Don’t you get lonely? I usually respond with a firm no and a dismissive shrug, but I always wonder if, as a society, we’re still stuck in the ’90s mindset that you can’t function without a partner. Even today, so many of my own friends don’t step out of the house without their significant other. To me, this makes no sense. I work a 9-to-5 job, I have two sets of friends, two families, and two dogs to care for. And even if I choose to just have a mellow night, I’m perfectly happy in my own company. The limited time that my husband and I get to do a video call during the day feels like a well-earned break and I love that he is my space for venting and nurturing. This allows both of us to have a world outside our relationship and thrive in it, rather than mushing into each other’s personalities.

And lastly, because I know this question is already in your head: Is it extra magical every time you are together? Hell yes! Picking my husband up from the airport is our tradition. Even after six years together, instead of having a mutually agreed-upon place to meet, we struggle to find each other in the parking lot. But when I finally spot him, every cell in my body launches towards him and I don’t care about who’s watching. We usually have big plans made for our next adventure together, but even just sitting around, watching TV or doing chores, brings us genuine pleasure. And then, when it’s time to go our separate ways, instead of being sad and sappy, we make it a priority to make every last bit of time count and then say our goodbyes with a smile and a whole lot of support. This has also allowed both of us to be just as crazy about one another as we were when we started dating. We legitimately enjoy each other’s company and count it as a privilege.

I won’t say long-distance relationships aren’t hard. A big part of being in love makes you want to experience all the wonderful and terrible things in life along with your partner. That feeling of I wish you were here never goes away. Your communication skills are tested to the limit, especially if different time zones, network issues, and busy schedules are involved. But if you can cross those hurdles, your relationship has passed the hardest test and can withstand almost any curveballs that may come your way. Compromises don’t feel like a big deal because your partner is well aware of your limits, and vice versa.

Long-distance relationships not only force you to be your partner’s best friend and confidante, but also allow a space for your individuality to shine through. It’s easy to become a little self-involved from time to time, but I have found that being in a long-distance relationship allows you to gain a wider perspective. It somehow gives you the power to make your problems seem smaller than they are in your mind. When you know somebody’s in your corner and always rooting for you, there are very few things in life that can really bring you down. For example, when my husband is sailing, we face network issues very often that present themselves in the form of lags and reconnections. But after years of navigating through them, we’ve got to a point where we’re so in tune with one another that we can manage to have an entire conversation with the delayed responses no longer posing a problem. If that’s not in sync, I don’t know what is.

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The Pleasure Centers On Your Body You Didn’t Even Know About

By Hannah Rice

Most people have heard the expressions “getting to first base” or “scoring a home run.” These sayings turn sports metaphors into sexual allusions, hinting at a certain goal that is supposed to result from physical intimacy. And, to plenty of folks, that mentality makes sense. After all, is there a problem with bringing an “eyes on the prize” attitude into the bedroom? Well, according to sexologists, the answer is: Yes.

Debby Herbenick, PH.D., M.P.H., is a sexual health professor, per her personal website. In a piece she wrote for Psychology Today, Herbenick explained that being too focused on one area of the body can be detrimental to one’s sex life. “In the quest for sexual pleasure, we too often focus squarely on one another’s genitals as if those few square inches hold the only key to ecstasy,” she wrote. Apparently, this sense of tunnel vision can lead to dissatisfaction over time. Herbenick warned, “[S]ex runs the risk of turning stale unless partners pay attention to each other and to more than just the [obvious pleasure centers].”

To achieve a happier and healthier sex life, couples can try to let go of goal-based intimacy and strive for something more holistic. One way that partners can do this is by focusing less on the areas below the belt and, instead, putting more effort into other parts of the body. In doing so, couples can discover the many pleasure centers that exist, from their scalps to their toes.

The lower back

Woman touches partner's back

At first glance, the lower back might not seem like the sexiest part of the body. However, sexologists report that it is actually a powerful pleasure center. According to Astroglide’s resident sexologist, Dr. Jess O’Reilly, the lower back can experience intense feelings of enjoyment. As O’Reilly told SheKnows, certain individuals find that, “their lower back is the most sensitive area of their body.” Per the sexologist, the area can be stimulated through some tickling, and can even result in “orgasmic sensations.”

The reason for the lower back’s intense sensitivity can be traced to the area’s anatomy. In an interview with Metro, Dr. Deborah Lee, a sexual health physician, revealed that many women experience lower back pleasure, thanks to a bone called the sacrum. Located above the tailbone, the sacrum is able to stimulate many of the nerve endings in the pelvic area. Per the doctor, many women can experience orgasm when their partner massages this area. “A ‘sacr[al] orgasm’ is another way of achieving female orgasm, by directly stimulating nerves in the sacral [lower back] area,” she told Metro. While Dr. Lee suggested massaging the lower back on its own, she also recommended touching this body part throughout intercourse. “Women often find sexual stimulation, such as stroking, or applying pressure on their lower back directly over the sacral region, highly pleasurable during sex,” she revealed.

The shoulders

Woman receives massage

The lower back isn’t the part of the body that could benefit from a nice, gentle massage. A good old-fashioned shoulder rub could also help partners access their pleasure centers by fostering a sense of relaxation. According to My Health Alberta, shoulder massages can help reduce tension and relieve stress. And the more relaxed that partners feel during an intimate moment, the more satisfaction they experience.

The reason for this is that stress has a direct impact on sex drive. In an interview with Talkspace, psychologist Rachel O’Neill, Ph.D., LPCC-S, explained that an increase in stress can cause a decrease in sexual activity. “When you’re stressed … you may not feel much responsive or spontaneous desire for sex,” O’Neill revealed. The psychologist also went on to warn that stress can actually make sex feel like a chore. “It’s also possible that you may simply feel like sex is one more thing that you need to add to your to-do list,” she added.

Luckily, however, taking time to relax can greatly impact one’s libido. As sex therapist Diane Gleim LMFT, CST, wrote for a piece in Psychology Today, “Relaxation is a necessary part of not just sex but good sex.” Partners looking to sink into that relaxed state can exchange pleasurable shoulder massages. To achieve this, Health Alberta recommends “kneading” the two shoulder muscles softly and then slowly increasing pressure. For maximum enjoyment, try adding a soft squeeze to the back of the neck.

The spine

A fulfilling spine massage

While giving a relaxing shoulder massage, partners might want to stimulate some of the body’s other pleasure centers. One thing to consider is adding in some spine play. According to the experts, this can be a great way to simply enjoy your partner’s body or set the mood for sex. Chantelle Otten is an Australian psycho-sexologist who has also worked as an ambassador for Love Honey. In an interview with Body+Soul, Otten noted that not everyone knows just how pleasurable spine stimulation can be. “A zone that people can neglect is the spine,” she lamented. Nonetheless, the psychotherapist opined that many partners will enjoy spine stimulation if they follow a few tips. “[O]nce you trail a single finger, a pinwheel, or perhaps a feather tickler, down the length of your partner’s spine, you won’t forget this zone in a hurry,” she told Body+Soul.

The reason that spinal pleasure is so powerful has to do with the spine’s function in the body. As per the Cleveland Clinic, the spine sends nerve signals from the body to the brain and vis-versa. This means that one of your spine’s jobs is to report sensations back to your brain. And, as noted in Psychology Today, the spine even has a special pathway that only sends “pleasant touch” signals from the body to the brain. Because of this, partners might consider stimulating each other’s spines using their fingers, tongues, or even toys.

The armpits

Girl shows off underarms

Armpits might not have a great overall reputation. After all, they are one of the only body parts that inspired a special product designed to control their smell. (Cue: deodorant.) Nonetheless, armpits are a powerful part of the body when it comes to their erogenous potential. For one thing, armpits are rumored to secrete the scents that generate sexual attraction. As licensed sex therapist Vanessa Marin, MFT, told Insider, “Some people believe the armpits to be an erogenous zone because they may secrete pheromones, but this is still debated.” For another thing, armpits are extremely sensitive to touch.

According to sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, MA, a lot of people experience the armpits as a pleasure center simply because this zone is so often ignored during sex. In a conversation with mindbodygreen, Steward elaborated, “Kissing and teasing the armpit can be sexy for you, especially because it is a zone that doesn’t get touched often, so it’s more sensitive than a lot of the areas on the body.” She also explained that underarm pleasure doesn’t have to stop at simple touching. “Armpits get a bad rap because of the odors they emit, but for some of us, armpits are [also] erogenous to smell,” she added.

The neck

Woman touches her neck

The neck can be a serious pleasure center, thanks to the area’s overall sensitivity. As sexual health physician Dr. Rahul Gupta, MD, pointed out in a piece for Lybrae, both the nape of the neck and the back of the neck are “pleasure points” for some people. According to the physician, “[The nape of the neck is an] erogenous spot … packed with nerve endings.” Later, he explained that the blood flow through the back of the neck also stimulates feelings of pleasure. In a section on this area, Gupta wrote, “[Y]our neck acts as a hot spot: it’s extremely sensitive, full of blood vessels, and is associated with vulnerability.”

To stimulate neck pleasure, partners can try a unique breathing technique suggested by clinical sexologist Debra Laino, Ph.D. In an interview with Women’s Health, Laino revealed that partners can exhale on each other’s necks to achieve enjoyable results. “Even a faint breath excites the nerve endings on the neck and can be very arousing for both men and women,” Laino said. To put this principle into practice, partners can try lying down side-by-side and blowing lightly on the skin between the lower ear lobe and the collarbone. As things heat up, adding other factors, like kissing, nibbling, or licking, per Laino’s conversation with Women’s Health, can be fun.

The feet

Couple lounges in bed

The feet have long had a reputation for inspiring sexual desire, thanks to the notoriety of foot fetishes in contemporary culture. However, beyond the psychological stimulation that feet can create in some people, this body part can also produce physical pleasure. As Love Honey sexpert Annabelle Knight emphasized in an interview with Metro, “It is worth remembering, too, that the feet are erogenous zones in their own right, with 7,000 nerve endings.” Because of this massive quantity of nerve endings, some people can even achieve orgasm through foot stimulation– Although Knight explained that it’s not common. “Foot orgasms are incredibly rare and it is unlikely that you will be able to achieve an orgasm through foot stimulation alone,” she told Metro.

Nonetheless, there are plenty of ways that partners can enjoy each other’s feet. Per clinical sexologist Aliyah Moore, couples can start out by giving each other a simple foot massage. In an interview with Elle, Moore elaborated, “Many nerve endings cover the feet … So, massaging them creates exciting and intense sensations.” To alternate or vary these sensations, Moore recommended using toys. “For example, tickle your partner’s feet using a feather or a wisp of cotton or any subtly sharp object. You can also alternate between warm and cold things to stimulate the feet,” Moore told Elle.

The ears

Man whispers into ear

In the movie “Meet the Fockers,” Barbara Streisand’s character, Roz Focker, dished out some iconic sex advice: Stimulate the ears. In the context of a comedy film, this advice might seem funny. However, according to science, Roz Focker might just have been right. Per Medical News Today, the human ear has 25,000 nerve endings — More than three times the number of nerve endings in the feet. Because of this, the outlet reports, some people can even achieve orgasm through ear stimulation alone.

While not everyone may want to try for an “eargasm,” there are several alternative ways to experience ear pleasure. According to clinical sexologist Steve McGough, Ph.D., a massage can effectively stimulate this pleasure center. As McGough revealed in an interview with Women’s Health, gently massaging the ear can be especially enjoyable. “This area is connected to the vagus nerve, which travels from the skull downward through the heart, nipples, and genitals,” he told the outlet. McGough added that this massage could be especially stimulating for women. “Research has shown that the vagus nerve is involved in female orgasm,” he shared.

Luckily, a massage isn’t the only way to evoke ear pleasure. Partners can also use their fingertips and mouths to make each other feel good. In an interview with Insider, licensed sex therapist Vanessa Marin, MFT, advised: “Try lightly caressing with a fingertip, nibbling on the earlobe, or tracing your tongue around the back of the ear.”

The cheeks

Kiss on the cheek

For some people, a kiss on the cheek seems more fit for their grandma than, say, a lover. However, when incorporated into a sexual context, cheek kisses can also be erogenous. According to Jenni Skyler, Ph.D., a certified sex therapist and the director of The Intimacy Institute, the cheeks respond well to touch. Speaking to Women’s Health, Skyler explained, “The cheeks are actually really sensitive. If you have your partner close their eyes as you softly caress their cheek, that can be really arousing.”

Interestingly, cheeks aren’t just a physical pleasure center — They are also an emotional one. In an interview with Elite Daily, body language expert Tonya Reiman analyzed the emotional impact of touching someone’s face. “When someone touches or strokes your hair and/or face during sex, it is typically a demonstration of affection. This is primal; it shows that they want to connect with you on more than a mere physical level,” Reiman said. The best part is that a kiss on the cheek can be extremely meaningful for the receiving partner. As New York-based sex therapist Stephen Snyder, M.D., told Women’s Health, this gesture “can activate deep feelings of being cared for.”

Consequently, partners looking to bring more sentimentality into their sex lives might want to stimulate each other’s cheeks. Caress them with a finger, nuzzle them with the nose, or shower them with kisses. Ultimately, showing the cheeks some love can also make one’s partner feel more loved.

The wrists

Couple uses handcuffs

Just like the cheeks, the inner wrist can be a pleasure center emotionally and physically. Nonetheless, NetDoctor reports that not everyone knows that this region has the potential to send shivers up the spine. As sex therapist Mia Sabat told the outlet, “It mightn’t be the first spot that comes to mind when you think of erogenous zones, but the inner wrist is incredibly sensitive.” Beyond the inner wrist’s physical sensitivity, the region also has the power to foster intimate communication between partners. In her conversation with NetDoctor, Sabat revealed, “Feeling your partner’s heart rate increase as you caress [their inner wrist] will turn you on, too.”

Some couples may also want to use their wrists to introduce a little bit of power play into their sex lives. According to sexologist Goody Howard, MSW, MPH, pairs can achieve this when one partner grabs the other one’s wrist during a sexual interaction. In an interview with mindbodygreen, Howard said, “Being pinned down by the wrists or a firm grip during a make-out session is common. Pressure play is a great way to explore pleasure with the wrists.” Couples looking to spice up their wrist play even further may consider experimenting with handcuffs or other forms of bondage.

The belly

A couples in bed

The belly represents a key piece of real estate on the human body as it is situated immediately above the genitals. Because of its prime location, the belly experiences heightened levels of sensitivity and erotic pleasure (via Insider). And, per a conversation between Women’s Day and certified sexuality educator Amy Levine, a small minority of people can orgasm from doing an ab workout. Levine told the outlet, “It’s unlikely that the majority of us will be able to experience [this] effect, but incorporating some ab work in the bedroom could help get you in the mood. Not to mention, the thought of [your partner] moving farther south can be downright exciting.”

While doing abdominal exercises could be very rewarding for some, it might be … well, anticlimactic for others. To stimulate the belly without doing crunches, partners can try gently touching each other’s stomachs. In an interview with Women’s Health, clinical sexologist, Renee Lanctot, Ph.D., recommended focusing on the region surrounding the belly button. “One of the best ways to approach belly button play is by circling the area: Use large circles that converge slowly, using the belly button as your bullseye,” Lanctot suggested. While some couples may enjoy using their fingers, others might prefer to use their tongues, or even a toy.

The scalp

Woman massages man's scalp

It’s no secret that a head rub can feel fantastic, but some folks may not know that the scalp is actually one of the body’s main pleasure centers. Because of its many nerve endings, the scalp is extra sensitive to touch, according to Prevention. This means that sexual partners can unlock the scalp’s feel-good potential via a gentle massage. According to Australian psycho-sexologist Chantelle Otten, one effective scalp rub technique can really heat things up during a make-out session. In an article for Body+Soul, Otten advised, “[O]nce you start kissing, run your nails through your partner’s hair and down the back of their scalp and neck to bring on those pleasurable feelings.” She suggested adding a bit of neck and ear action into this scalp play: “Moving your thumbs up behind the ear and down the nape of the neck are really hot ways to incorporate multiple erogenous zones.”

For partners looking to explore the spicier side of scalp play, it might also be gratifying to incorporate a bit of hair-pulling. As certified sex educator Emma McGowan told Glamour, hair-pulling can stimulate the scalp in a deeply satisfying way. “Your scalp has thousands of little nerve endings, and if you’ve ever had your hair pulled during sex, you know it’s an erogenous zone,” she told the outlet. Before pulling someone’s hair, however, remember that it is important to ask for consent.

The hands

Holding hands in bed

Holding hands can be a sweet gesture in public, but in private, it can actually be kind of steamy. In an interview with Well+Good, sexologist Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., explained that the hands are a pleasure center, capable of receiving intense enjoyment. To tap into these good feelings, O’Reilly suggested that partners try rubbing each other’s palms. “Consider giving your partner’s hand (or your own) a sensual massage using your thumb to work in sweeping ovals … You can also trace your fingertips around the palm with a feather-light touch or play with their fingers in your hand with a gentle stroking and circular motion,” she told Well+Good.

Couples looking to connect more deeply during sex might also consider using their hands to foster a sense of emotional closeness. Patti Wood, a body language expert, told Elite Daily that holding hands during these intimate moments can help partners bond. As Wood told the outlet, “[Holding hands during sex is] a sign of tenderness, and it’s a signal of connection, rather than just passion or lust.” The body language expert added that a person who grabs their partner’s hand is trying to communicate their desire for closeness. “They want to maintain a connection with you that has more intimacy attached to it,” Wood affirmed.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How Does Disability Affect Sex?

— People living with disabilities are often assumed to be asexual, which can have disastrous effects on their well-being. Humans are inherently sexual and, as such, deserve to have safe and pleasurable sexual experiences and be free to explore their sexuality and gender.

By Rhiannon John, MSexol

  • Many people within society view people living with disabilities as asexual, leaving them with little access to sexual and reproductive healthcare and education.
  • People living with disabilities are sexual beings and are entitled to safe and pleasurable sexual experiences and to explore their sexual and gender identities.
  • Mobility, fatigue, and pain can affect the sex of someone living with a disability. However, there are multiple toys and positions that can be used to help alleviate some of these issues.

Although limited mobility, pain, and fatigue may affect a person’s sex life, certain toys and positions can aid in pleasure.

How does disability affect sex?

Having a disability can affect sex in several ways, particularly for people with limited mobility, chronic pain, and fatigue. However, this doesn’t mean that those living with a disability cannot enjoy a healthy and pleasurable sex life, as having a physical or cognitive disability doesn’t limit a person’s sexuality.

Humans are inherently sexual and have sexual thoughts, feelings, desires, and fantasies. However, many people within society view people living with disabilities as ‘asexual,’ not wanting to have sex, or not experiencing sexual feelings. This stereotype can affect people living with disabilities in numerous ways, including diminishing self-confidence, desire, ability to find a partner, and ability to view themselves as sexual being. People living with disabilities exist along the same spectrum as nondisabled people, with varied sexual orientations and gender identities.

Those living with mobility issues and chronic pain may have to approach sex a little differently than they’d like to. However, there a sex toys designed specifically to help with this issue for those who’d like to engage in solo sex. For those wanting to engage in sex with a partner, several positions and tools can help alleviate pain and maximize pleasure.

How to maximize pleasure while living with a disability?

Give yourself permission to be sexual

Sadly, research has found that people living with disabilities often internalize the asexuality stereotype, which diminishes their sexual desire and arousal. However, all humans are sexual beings that deserve sexual pleasure. Permitting yourself to be sexual, both solo and with a partner, allows you to reclaim your sexuality and cultivate a pleasurable life.

Allowing yourself to be a sexual being has added benefits, particularly concerning sexual health, as those who are sexually autonomous have been found to make informed decisions about their sexual health, leading to healthier outcomes.

Use toys, tools, and positions that work for you

There are a number of tools, positions, and toys that assist people with limited mobility and chronic pain.

The Bump’n sex toy can be used in several different ways depending on your needs. It’s designed to be a huggable pillow that you can insert a number of sex toys into to hump or grind on, which is great for solo play.

Sex wedges and pillows can also assist with placing your body in a position that is comfortable for you. Depending on your mobility and your partner’s mobility, there are many different positions that you can use to increase pleasure. When exploring new positions with a partner, both partners need to be communicative and express what feels good and what doesn’t. And remember that lube goes a long way in making things feel good.

How does disability affect sexual health?

As many people living with a disability are labeled ‘asexual’ by society, they often do not receive adequate sexual health care from health providers. Those living with a disability need regular pap tests, breast exams, prostate exams, and testicular checks, just like the rest of society.

People living with a disability who engage in sex need to have regular STI checks and have access to education on the importance of contraception.

People living with disabilities should expect to be treated as the whole person by healthcare professionals and expect to receive necessary sexual health care. If your health care needs are not taken seriously, we encourage you to advocate for yourself or access services available in your area to get the care you deserve.

People living with disabilities are not given comprehensive sexual health education

Again, as many people in society see people with disabilities as asexual, sexual education is often overlooked. However, sex and relationship education is just as important for people with disabilities as for those without disabilities. Sex education for disabled people should be given as children, with age-appropriate information. Additional information should also be covered, including:

  • People living with disabilities can have romantic, meaningful, and pleasurable relationships.
  • Sexual information that is specific to their individual needs.

Receiving this education allows people to live sexually healthy and pleasurable lives in healthy relationships.

Humans are inherently sexual beings deserving of safe and pleasurable sexual experiences, relationships, and sexual healthcare access, including those with disabilities. If you are living with a disability, you are entitled to be treated and respected as a sexual being. Although limited mobility, pain, and fatigue, may not allow you to have the sex you would like, there are toys, tools, and positions that can aid in pleasurable sexual experiences for solo and partnered play.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!