Category: Sexual Satisfaction

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This Is the Key to Unlocking Your Best Sex Yet

— Solo or Partnered

By Crystal Raypole

Sex is a natural human desire. Many people enjoy physical intimacy and want more of it. Sex with new or multiple partners, different kinds of sex, better sex with your current partner — all are completely normal goals.

Yet, sometimes, it can feel as if improving your sex life is easier fantasized about than done.

Sure, you can find plenty of practical guides offering physical tips for better sex to people of any gender or anatomy.

But good sex doesn’t just involve your body. Your emotions and mood also play a pretty big part.

Like other aspects of wellness, good sexual health relies on the mind-body connection.

This interaction between mind and body can have some significant implications for emotional and physical health, both in and out of the bedroom.

Positive emotions such as joy, relaxation, and excitement help boost physical pleasure and satisfaction.

At the same time, distraction, irritability, and stress can all settle into your body, affecting your ability to remain present and fully enjoy experiences — from G- to X-rated — as they come.

Here’s the good news about the mind-body connection: Improvements in one area often yield similar improvements in the other.

In other words, increased emotional awareness could just help you have the best sex of your life. Nurturing this connection may take a little work, but these tips can help you get started.

Mindfulness refers to your ability to stay present in the moment.

Robyn Garnett, LCSW, a psychotherapist based in Long Beach, California, who specializes in sex therapy, describes mindfulness as “being fully engaged in an activity, fully experiencing the moment with physical senses rather than the thinking mind.”

You can probably imagine how a lack of mindfulness can detract from a sexy experience.

You might try to stay focused, for example, but thoughts of that midterm you need to study for, the pile of dishes in the sink, or how early you have to get up in the morning keep creeping in.

This fragmented awareness is incredibly common, but learning to boost powers of observation in other areas of life can help you overcome it.

As you go about your day, pay more attention to your body. How do you feel when you exercise? Eat breakfast? Walk to work? Do chores?

Notice the physical and emotional sensations that come up. What feels good? Not so good? If your thoughts start to wander away from the activity, gently return them to what you’re doing.

Many people find meditation and yoga make it easier to get in tune with emotions and practice mindfulness throughout the day.

If you have trouble expanding your awareness alone, giving these wellness practices a try could help.

It can take some time to get the hang of mindfulness, but the increased self-awareness that develops as a result can facilitate greater connection during sex.

Generally speaking, great sex means everyone involved is getting their needs met on some level.

It’s fine to want to please your partner(s), but you should also have some idea of what you enjoy and want from a sexual encounter.

Staying present during sexual encounters, whether solo, partnered, or multipartnered, can help you notice:

  • what types of touch feel best
  • how your body feels from moment to moment (let yourself move naturally)
  • the noises you and your partner(s) make (don’t be afraid to make noise, even when on your own!)
  • how your breath and movements speed up and slow down (take time to enjoy yourself instead of rushing toward climax — unless that’s what you’re into!)

When something feels good, don’t be shy about speaking up. Discussing what you like and want more of can strengthen your connection and lead to even better sex.

The same goes for things you don’t love. Participating in activities you dislike, just for a partner’s benefit, can lead to disconnection (or dread) during sex.

Also keep in mind: Good sex doesn’t always require a partner. In fact, exploring sexual interests through masturbation can help you get more comfortable with your desires.

It becomes much easier to communicate with partners when you know exactly what you enjoy — if you do choose to share with a partner, that is. Solo sex can be equally fulfilling!

First of all, you can have fantastic sex without maintaining a romantic relationship.

(That said, if you’ve tried no-strings-attached sex and find it somewhat lacking, it’s worth considering that you may need more of an emotional connection.)

If you are in a relationship, though, you’ll want to take into account the ways stress and conflict can affect not just individual well-being but also partner interactions.

It’s often easier to recognize serious issues threatening your relationship, but smaller concerns can also build up, adding to worry and anxiety.

If you don’t know how to bring these issues up, even minor problems can cause strain and affect overall emotional wellness over time.

These effects can make it more challenging to connect with your partner and enjoy intimacy.

If you’re struggling to connect with your partner — physically or emotionally — couples counseling can offer a safe, judgment-free space to explore the issue and work on healthy, productive communication.

Arousal takes time and effort for many people. Some days, you might just not feel it (totally normal, in case you wondered). Regardless, you might want to go ahead with it anyway.

Maybe you don’t get a lot of chances to have sex and think you should make the most of it, or perhaps you don’t want to let your partner down.

Keep in mind, though, your body usually knows what it’s talking about.

Remember, your mind and body work together, so pushing yourself to connect intimately when you’re drained, tired, achy, or unwell generally doesn’t end well.

Instead of fully engaging with your partner, you might get distracted, notice physical discomfort or annoyance at being touched a certain way, or have difficulty maintaining arousal and having an orgasm.

Your good intentions could even trigger conflict if your partner notices you’re less than enthusiastic.

It’s always better to communicate instead of trying to force a mood you don’t feel. You can still enjoy yourselves without having sex.

In fact, Garnett explains, exploring nonsexual activities together could promote more meaningful connection that can, in turn, lead to an improved sexual relationship.

Don’t forget: A sexual partner who doesn’t respect your physical needs and tries to pressure you into having sex anyway is not one worth keeping.

Sex therapy might sound a little terrifying when you don’t know what to expect, but it’s basically just talk therapy.

“It provides a space for you to openly discuss concerns and potential barriers so you can better understand your own needs,” Garnett says.

“Sometimes the inability to enjoy sex comes down to a misunderstanding of your own body, so psychoeducation is often where the conversation starts,” she says.

Garnett explains that while your sex therapist might suggest activities for you to try outside of therapy, by yourself or with a partner, sex therapy itself doesn’t involve touch or demonstrations.

Your primary goal in sex therapy is exploring any issues potentially affecting your sex life, such as:

Although mental health symptoms can affect sexual desire and contribute to difficulties enjoying intimacy, the reverse is also true.

If you find intimacy challenging, for whatever reason, you might become anxious when thinking of sex or feel so low that your arousal fizzles out.

This can create an unpleasant cycle. Not only can missing out on the benefits of sex bring your mood down further, you might notice tension between you and your partner if you don’t communicate what you’re feeling.

A professional can help you take a holistic look at the challenges in all areas of life, from work stress and sleep troubles to normal life changes, and consider how they could be holding you back from a more fulfilling sex life.

Better sex might not happen overnight, but dedicated efforts toward increased mindfulness can help you employ the mind-body link to improve self-awareness.

This stronger connection within yourself can pave the way toward a powerful, more deeply satisfying sexual connection with others.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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I watched the first episode of reality series ‘Good Sex,’ and seeing men ask for sex help was really hot

On the television series “Good Sex,” couples agree to put cameras in their bedrooms during sex and talk about the footage with a coach after.

By Julia Naftulin

  • The new discovery+ series “Good Sex” has couples put cameras in their bedrooms. A sex coach uses the footage to help improve their intimacy.
  • In the first episode, men reveal their sexual issues, like erectile dysfunction and overall inexperience.
  • The show is a reminder that sex should be a safe space to explore desire and pleasure.

On the new television series “Good Sex,” couples willingly plant video cameras in their bedrooms while they have sex, then fork the tapes over to a sex coach for help.

Caitlin V. Neal, the show’s resident sex coach, has spent more than 10 years helping men with erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and pleasuring women.

Minutes into the first episode, a 48-year-old man named Ben admits he has trouble getting out of his head during sex with his partner Annie, which has led to erectile dysfunction. When Neal later examines video footage of their lovemaking, she finds out Annie’s dog is in the room while they’re getting it on, which interferes with Ben’s ability to focus. In the same episode, a man in his 20s reveals he’s never had sex, and wants to learn how to please a woman before he does, so Neal walks him through different pleasure points by caressing an anatomical model of female genitals.

As Insider’s sex and relationships reporter and advice columnist, I constantly read questions from women who want to save their sex and love lives. So it was refreshing to watch men get candid about their sexual concerns, like when Ben said a disconnect between his brain and body was likely the reason for his “limp dick.”

To me, “Good Sex” is a reminder that sex can be awkward and fulfilling all at once. Like the willingness to ask for help, good sex requires self-awareness, self-love, and feeling safe enough to show you’re still figuring it out.

“Good Sex” takes a raw approach by showing couples in the midst of their sexual mistakes, not just how they resolve them.

A 48-year-old named Ben opened up about difficulty achieving orgasm during sex

Ben said he’s only been with three women in his life, including his current partner of two years, Annie. They said they were both previously married to their college sweethearts.

“As great as our sex is, I’m not able stay hard, or even get hard, sometimes,” Ben told the camera during the first episode. He said current erectile dysfunction issues have made sex feel disheartening and distressing, especially coming from a previous marriage where he wasn’t having a lot of sex.

During their first session with Neal, Ben said erectile dysfunction medication hasn’t helped, and he wants to orgasm during sex with Annie.

According to Neal, the pursuit of good sex challenges people, especially men, to be more emotionally open.

“Sex is an inherently vulnerable act. And so if you’re looking to improve your sex life and you’re serious in your commitment to improving your intimacy, vulnerability is a requirement to getting the results that they want,” Neal said.

According to Neal, the showrunners’ idea to use cameras along with sex coaching made for “exponentially faster transformations, growth, and impact” because she could see what was actually happening, not just hear it from the couple’s blurry recollections.

“Imagine trying to explain, step by step, what happened the last time you had sex with your partner. Especially if you don’t have something to compare it to, it’s really difficult for someone to articulate what actually happened,” Neal, who also has a YouTube channel dedicated to sex advice, told Insider.

Healthy sex and relationships require work

The show offers snippets of each couples’ sex-coaching sessions and the bedroom homework Neal assigns them, but there’s a lot more work going on between scenes, she told Insider.

Each coaching session is between 90 minutes and two hours. It also takes time for a couple to unlearn the sex routines they’ve grown accustomed to over the past five to 30 years, Neal said.

When viewers watch “Good Sex,” Neal hopes they walk away with the realization that a fulfilling sex life requires commitment and help.

“We have no problem hiring career coaches, mechanics, people to install things in our homes. But for some reason, we have the story that sex is something we have to deal with privately, without any help. By putting cameras inside of those closed bedroom doors, we’re able to see this isn’t something you have to deal with in isolation. It’s not something that should be a source of shame,” Neal said.

A dedication to honesty and emotional openness in the name of self-improvement? Now that’s hot.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Early sexual experiences could lead to healthier sex later in life

In her research, Diana Peragine encountered study after study that suggested an early sexual debut poses a risk to sexual health and sets the stage for a long list of negative outcomes, from unplanned pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections to sexual exploitation and abuse.

“Research has traditionally cast first sexual intercourse as a young person’s sexual debut and focused on the public health concerns that it raises – documenting its onset, its causes, and its consequences as a problem behaviour not unlike adolescent drinking and drug use,” says Peragine, a doctoral candidate in psychology at the University of Toronto Mississauga.

“As a result, there’s this long body of evidence linking an earlier sexual debut to adverse sexual health outcomes.”

But Peragine wondered if the earlier studies painted a complete picture.

So, she teamed up with her colleagues and looked at the idea of sexual debut in a broader sense. That includes other important firsts beyond intercourse – such as first sexual contact, first sexual stimulation and first orgasm.

The researchers also looked at the impact these experiences had on future sexual functioning, which had rarely been covered in previous research.

They discovered that people who have these first sexual experiences earlier are more likely to have better sexual functioning later in adulthood, and those who delay these experiences are more likely to face sexual difficulties down the road.

Peragine, along with fellow U of T researchers Malvina Skorska, Jessica Maxwell and Professor Emily Impett and Associate Professor Doug VanderLaan, detailed their findings in the study “The Risks and Benefits of Being ‘Early to Bed’: Toward a Broader Understanding of Age at Sexual Debut and Sexual Health in Adulthood” in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

The researchers surveyed 3,139 adults to learn when they had sexual intercourse, sexual contact, sexual stimulation and an orgasm for the first time. Participants were also asked about their sexual history in the previous four weeks – specifically, if they had any difficulties with orgasms, desire, arousal and sexual satisfaction.

“Those with an earlier sexual debut had fewer sexual difficulties in many of these domains, and therefore healthier sexual function,” Peragine says.

She adds that it’s tricky to say exactly when an early sexual debut has occurred because “early” has been defined in many ways including before marriage, before the age of consent, before adolescence and even before the development of sexual readiness – and there’s still no consensus on its definition today.

“All these different markers have been used to define an earlier sexual debut, but none of them have really been universally agreed upon,” she says, adding that the average age for sexual intercourse among the study’s participants was 17.

The study also found that 93 per cent of participants indicated they had already had some sexual experience before engaging in intercourse, including previous sexual contact, orgasm and sexual stimulation.

Peragine says capturing sexual experiences beyond intercourse was important because adolescence is a time of sexual discovery and experimentation, and intercourse rarely marks the onset of sexual activity for young people. In fact, she says research suggests that other sexual debuts are becoming more common with each passing generation.

She adds that healthy sexual function is critical to sexual health and should be counted among the potential health outcomes of an early sexual debut.

“Heathy sexual function is a prerequisite for healthy sex, which should be pleasurable in addition to being safe and consensual,” she says. “It is also a growing priority when defining and managing sexual health. It includes an absence of difficulties with desire, arousal and orgasm, as well an absence of pain during sex and satisfaction with sexual activity.”

Peragine says the team also found that earlier exposures to some experiences, such as orgasm, seemed to bolster sexual interest and excitability. However, women tended to have these experiences years after men did – and their delay may be reflected in women’s higher rates of sexual desire and arousal disorders compared to men.

Peragine hopes the study will shed new light on early sexual experiences and the positive health impacts these events have later in life. She also hopes this research could better inform sexual education – particularly abstinence-only education.

“Abstinence-only education … stresses that no sexuality is healthy sexuality for adolescents,” she says. “Our findings not only contradict this view, but (indicate) that efforts to delay sexual activity may carry a risk themselves.

Peragine adds that abstinence-only education “might even be detrimental to young people’s sexual health in the long run – at least with respect to the capacity for functional and healthy sex.”

The research was supported by the Natural Sciences and Engineering Research Council of Canada, the Canadian Institutes of Health Research and the Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council of Canada.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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List of Erogenous Zones for Better Intimacy

By Molly Burford

Sexual health is important for your overall health and well-being. Sexual health encompasses everything from getting routinely screened for sexually transmitted infections (STIs) to simply knowing what you like in the bedroom. One way to improve your sex life is by knowing your erogenous zones.

Essentially, an erogenous zone is any part of the body that can trigger sexual arousal when touched.1 For example, the nape of your neck or your wrist can potentially elicit pleasurable feelings when stimulated. That said, everyone’s erogenous zones are different.

Knowing both your and your partner’s erogenous zones will enhance your sexual experiences. This article will discuss what you need to know about erogenous zones.

Why Are Erogenous Zones Stimulating?

Certain areas of the body, including the erogenous zones, have a higher density of touch receptors. This is why your fingertips are more sensitive to touch than your elbow. Touch receptors respond to touch and convey the information via your nervous system to an area of the brain called the somatosensory cortex. Not only does the somatosensory cortex process sensory information, but it’s also involved in regulating our emotions and moods.2

Immediate Gratification vs. Foreplay

When it comes to sex, the build-up is everything. While reaching orgasm immediately may sound appealing to some, foreplay is a crucial component for both reaching orgasm and experiencing one to its fullest potential. Try using slow, erotic touching to explore your and your partner’s erogenous zones and build arousal.

Nerve Bundles

Nerves are the nervous system’s main communicators, carrying electrical signals to and from different parts of the body. A collection of nerve endings is known as a nerve bundle. Erogenous zones are thought to contain many nerve bundles, which is why they are so sensitive to touch.

Non-Genital Zones

Everyone is different, but in general, these are believed to be the most common non-genital erogenous zones:3

  • Head and hair
  • Eyes and temples
  • Cheeks
  • Mouth/lips
  • Ears
  • Nape of neck
  • Shoulder blades
  • Upper back
  • Upper arms
  • Breasts/chest
  • Nipples
  • Stomach
  • Belly button
  • Forearms
  • Wrists
  • Hands
  • Fingers
  • Sides
  • Lower back
  • Hips
  • Outer thighs
  • Buttocks
  • Back of thighs
  • Inner thighs
  • Pubic hairline
  • Behind knees

Below the Waist

When it comes to genital erogenous zones, the most common include:3

Try Solo-Play

Solo-play, aka masturbation, is a great way to explore your sexuality, learn about your body, and become in-tune with what you might enjoy during partnered sex. After taking time to learn about your bodies individually, you can decide to give mutual masturbation a go.

Some tips for a healthy masturbation practice include:

  • Washing hands before and after
  • Keeping nails clean
  • Avoiding eye area while masturbating
  • Not sharing sex toys
  • Properly cleaning sex toys after each use

Summary

Erogenous zones are parts of the body that trigger sexual arousal when stimulated. These include both genital and non-genital areas.

Knowing your and your partner’s non-genital erogenous zones can help enhance your sex life. But, of course, everybody will have different erogenous zones, which is why exploration, partnered or otherwise, can be helpful.

Communicating with your sexual partners about each other’s preferences is absolutely key to a safe, happy, and healthy sex life.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to never fake an orgasm again

Those days are OVER.

by Cassandra Green

There’s no denying the statistical proof of an ‘orgasm gap’ between men and women, but while performing a climax might ease tensions in the short term, it won’t do much for your future pleasure.

We all remember that iconic scene from the 1989 hit film When Harry Met Sally, during which Meg Ryan’s character Sally sits in the middle of a crowded diner and fakes an orgasm.

When Harry, played by Billy Crystal, says he would know if a woman faked it, Sally responds, “All men are sure it never happened to them, and most women at one time or another have done it, so you do the math.” Thirty three years on, and women still face an orgasm gap.

A study in the Archives Of Sexual Behavior from the International Academy Of Sex Research found that heterosexual men were most likely to report they “usually- always” orgasm during sex (95 per cent), compared to 65 per cent of heterosexual women.

According to Christine Rafe, sex and relationship expert for Womanizer, there are a few patterns that could explain these statistics. “Many women have not learnt how to ask for what they want and need to orgasm,” she explains, adding that it is sometimes easier to fake it than explain why it isn’t happening. “A recent study found that the perceived ego of a sexual partner impacts the likelihood of faking orgasms.”

There is also the issue of a lack of education. “Society still perpetuates a narrative that penetrative sex is the most pleasurable… which does not align with what we know to be the anatomy of pleasure for a vulva and vagina owner. External clitoral stimulation is an essential part of orgasm for many vulva owners,” she says.

Rafe adds that pornography has its part to play, often misrepresenting climax for women.

“People describe being left feeling that there is something wrong with their body for not responding the way that bodies in pornography do.”

The burgeoning sexual wellness movement places greater awareness on the “orgasm” as a goal for both partners, which can encourage a healthy effort on both sides. Rafe says she has noticed a decrease in women faking orgasms in her practice.

But, is this growing awareness around “orgasm” a help or a hindrance?

Dr Suzanne Belton PhD, a medical anthropologist and midwife who worked closely with Dr Helen O’Connell (the Australian medical pioneer who first mapped the clitoris), celebrates these gains in recent times.

“It is possible for men and women to enjoy sensuality and sexual intercourse without orgasm. However, I find it interesting that we don’t think it is OK to ask men to enjoy sexual intercourse without orgasm. Why do we suggest that for women?” she asks.

There is nuance, though, because painting climax as a “goal” or a “gift” men must bring to their partners creates an uncomfortable sense of ego and responsibility in the bedroom.

“More focus on everyone’s pleasure and orgasm is absolutely a great thing,” says Rafe, however, “those socialised as men have grown up with the narrative that sexual prowess is a key factor in masculinity. The ego enters many sexual dynamics and this can increase performance anxiety, which can result in difficulty remaining present and a reduction of their own pleasure, difficulty getting and maintaining an erection, as well as sexual avoidance.”

On the flipside, women can feel the pressure to validate their partner’s effort by showing their pleasure, or even faking orgasms. While it’s great to strive for climax, sometimes it’s just not going to happen and that’s OK, too. “The irony of orgasm for many is that the more pressure we place on getting there, the harder it actually becomes,” Rafe explains.

“The reality for some vulva and vagina owners is that they are happy to enjoy sexual intimacy with their partners without necessarily achieving orgasm… A real or perceived pressure or expectation to orgasm for their partner can result in them saying no to sexual advances from their partner where they otherwise may have been interested in some sexual play, as well as sexual avoidance, and body shaming because they cannot experience orgasm easily.”

Rafe believes the answer is for each partner to be responsible for their own pleasure.

“This means that we are responsible for learning about what we need to have an orgasm (this can include context, environment, mood, arousal and touch/pleasure), and actually communicate with our partner what we want or need. Our partners are not mind readers, and if we don’t know about our own desire, arousal and pleasure, how on earth are they supposed to know?”

The compliment sandwich of telling your partner you won’t orgasm, rather than faking it

Communicating about not reaching climax has the potential to bruise the ego, but Rafe says it’s integral. Here’s how to do it

Be specific

Use phrases such as “I love it when you/we…”. Frame things you don’t like with a swap, “sometimes (the action) doesn’t feel as good as (something you like)”.

Talk history

If you know orgasm is sometimes difficult, voice it, and take away the pressure – which in turn can increase orgasmic potential.

Acknowledge physiology

Talk about how your body responds throughout the intercourse – including foreplay. Try saying, “I’ve learned that my body can take longer to warm up and get aroused than someone with a penis, can I tell you or show you what I know turns me on and feels amazing for me?”

Be honest about pressure

If you get in your head about an orgasm goal, move the goalposts. Explain it with, “I notice I can get in my head when it comes to having an orgasm, and when I do that, it makes it really difficult to get there. It would really help me get out of my head if we didn’t focus on having an orgasm every time”.

How to teach your partner to pleasure you

Dr Belton says the first step is to explore an orgasm for yourself. It doesn’t help that women masturbate less than men, with a Womanizer study finding on average, Aussie men will masturbate 139 times a year, compared with women at 79 times.

Then, explain it in detail. “Talking about needs and desires and explicit techniques before you are in the bedroom is helpful to remove that performance pressure for everyone,” she says.

Rafe agrees, adding, “You will need to be more specific than something like ‘clitoral stimulation’. Think about the specific type of touch, pressure, speed, consistency, patterns etc., that increase your pleasure.”

Some may find watching self-touch helpful. “If it feels too much to have them watch you front-and-centre, start with them lightly placing their hand over yours while you masturbate,” she says. “Many people find it super sexy to see someone self-touch, so remind yourself of this.”

Finally, Rafe recommends couples try out two different ‘goals’ in their sessions, one as a ‘practice’ (to learn and provide feedback) and the other as a ‘play’ (to take what you learned into a non-structured experience).

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Low Sex Drive?

It’s Not You, It’s the “Sex Recession”

Why desire and hookups are trending downward and what we can do about it

By Sarah Laing

There’s a recession afoot. Not the looming financial one that rising inflation and a bear market seem to grimly foretell, but another one that’s even more obvious to anyone who’s in a monogamous relationship with a vibrator named Bunny, or whose most exciting recent sexual encounter was watching Normal People back in the first lockdown.

We are, apparently, in the midst of a “sex recession.”

It’s been brewing for a while. The advent of dating apps, a seeming lifting of many taboos and the sheer convenience of hooking up in the era of DMs and Snapchat make it seem as though sex should be at an all-time high. But as early as 2018, young people were having less sex than any generation before them, according to writer Kate Julian’s research for her 2018 story in The Atlantic that coined the term. Then, people in their early 20s were 2.5 times more likely to be abstinent than Gen X-ers at a similar age, according to psychology professor Jean M. Twinge’s research, and older adults’ intercourse index was also in the red, with the average adult in 2014 having sex 54 times a year, down from 62 in the late 1990s.

That was before social distancing put an effective stop to in-person meet cutes, and we all spent two years in a groundhog day of our pre-existing sexual and romantic circumstances. There was a vague hopefulness that there might be a sexual silver lining to COVID—shacked-up couples would grow more intimate after all that one-on-one time, or dating would be “better” after all that alleged personal growth we’d been through. But, alas, the research indicates the pandemic may have accelerated the downward trend. A Kinsey Institute study found that 75 per cent of co-habitating couples reported their sex life “declined” during the 2020 quarantine. As for singles, a February 2022 survey by the Pew Research Center found 64 per cent said dating has gotten harder, and 56 per cent said it wasn’t worth it and that they’re off the dating market, up 6 per cent from 2019. This will come as no surprise to anyone who suffered through the supreme awkwardness of a video first date.

75 per cent of co-habitating couples reported their sex life “declined” during the 2020 quarantine.

“There’s been a lot of stress, loss and grief during this time,” says Shan Boodram, an intimacy educator and podcaster. “Many people have been forced into self-isolation and had a lot of time to think about their desired outcomes when it comes to sex and dating. People aren’t rushing and see value in taking the time to be careful and figure out what they want from potential partners.” Boodram is dating app Bumble’s resident sex and relationship expert, and she points to its recent stats showing that 40 per cent of Canadians have “changed their approach to sex in the last year,” with 17 per cent indicating that means adding in more steps to screen sexual partners. (Vaccine passports: Not just for restaurants, it would seem.)

“‘Social distancing’ was the consistent slogan for the past two years; we were encouraged to keep a tight social circle, and we were told that being around new people could put the ones that are closest to us in danger. It’s apparent why many people aren’t racing into new sexual experiences,” says Boodram. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, she notes. “This reluctance may not come out of fear but out of empowerment. People are more intentional about their romantic lives, and we’re even finding that people have become comfortable being on their own.”

The sex recession may also be attributable to something much bigger at play, especially if you’re in a heterosexual relationship. “Women partnered with men often have lower desire to be sexual with their men partners because of the ways heteronormativity pushes them and their men partners into a set of roles, cognitions and behaviours that are harmful and/or undermine the women’s desire,” says Dr. Sari Van Anders. She’s a professor of psychology, gender science and neuroscience at Queen’s University, and lead author of a recent paper about “the heteronormativity theory of low desire.”

Basically: The patriarchy is killing the vibe. Gender inequality’s consequences—women bear the the burden of housework, childcare and emotional labour; norms around men being the ones to initiate sex—make it much harder for a woman in a relationship with a man to desire sex with him. That’s not to say they’re not having sex, though, because as Van Anders points out, “people can have sex they don’t want, and want sex they’re not having.” 

Sex can feel like “a job requirement” for a woman in relationship with a man.

One of the key gender norms the study points to is how “we are all taught to see sex as something men do to women, and/or something women do to please men.” This affects how sex gets initiated between a man and a woman. “Women are taught to respond to men’s sexual initiations but not to initiate sex themselves, and are often punished or stigmatized when they don’t follow these ‘rules,’” Van Anders says. “Think [of the] pejorative usages of ‘slut’ or ‘frigid.’” Sex can feel like “a job requirement” for a woman in a relationship with a man.

Note that the focus here is on heteronormativity, not heterosexual men, “because it’s about how that system impacts us all,” clarifies Van Anders. “Neither heterosexual men nor heterosexuality are problems. Heteronormativity and the costs it places especially on women are the issue.” She adds that “there are also costs for men, not least in having women partners who often don’t want to be sexual with them.”

Like Boodram, Van Anders emphasizes that having low or no sexual desire “is and can be an unproblematic part of people’s existences” despite the way society often pathologizes it. “It’s like, ‘How do we get these women to do more of the sex their men partners want!?’” she says. “Almost none of this concern is about, for example, women’s desire to masturbate. It’s all in the context of having low desire to have sex with men, which is telling!”

It is a problem, however, when low desire is a symptom of structural inequality. Van Anders and her co-authors have some suggestions for this—and they come in the form of tips for men who want to be sexual with women. First, pay attention to gender inequities in household labour. Second, don’t put your partner “in a position where they have to be your mother.” (Think: picking up your socks, remembering important appointments.) Third, do your part in supporting women to be “full humans,” and not just “sexy, good times.” Fourth, put her “sexual pleasure and agency front and centre.”

If you’re not sure where to start with prioritizing your own sexual pleasure and agency, it’s time to do some reflecting. “Take stock of your whole life today and see how you feel about it. Now, envision your life where sex plays more of a role in your experience—how does that vision make you feel?” Boodram suggests. “If it excites you, look for the next natural step to getting there. Maybe that’s masturbation; perhaps that’s simply downloading Bumble and leaving it at that. However, if you don’t feel ready to explore connections that may lead to a new sexual partner, that’s completely okay! Take all the time you need, and when you’re ready to experiment with sexual activities again, you’ll feel it.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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All About Arousal

By Eleanor Hadley

Do you ever feel like you and your partner are on totally different wavelengths when it comes to sex? Hands up who can relate to this? You get home, see your girlfriend curled up on the couch. You feel horny, so you go over and start laying on the moves. But she’s not up for it and shuts you down. Again. You feel rejected and sexually frustrated. Why doesn’t she want sex?

What if I told you that the issue isn’t necessarily that she doesn’t want sex at all, or that she isn’t into you anymore. But instead, it’s all about context. A fundamental mismatch in libido is really common in relationships where one partner seems to always be horny at the drop of a hat, but the other doesn’t feel that same pull. There are a lot of factors that can impact our level of arousal and our desire for sex, and most of them fall into whether we are actively turned on or turned off.

In my work with women, some of the biggest concerns they come to me with is a lack of desire, connection to their pleasure, struggles with sex drive and mismatched libido with their partners. This all gets exacerbated of course if their male partner is pressuring them in any way, or making them feel like there’s something inherently wrong with them. They tell me they feel like they’re “broken”, that they need fixing or that there’s something wrong with them if they no longer feel like sex as much as they once did.

Understanding Arousal: The Car Analogy

Let’s think of our libido, our ‘sex drive’ like a car. We need a good balance between using the brakes and the accelerator, and it all depends on the situation as to which we need. Now, if we have our foot slammed on the brakes, no matter how much you rev the engine, the car won’t move, right? Similarly, the car won’t move by simply taking our foot off the brake without pressing down the accelerator. The same goes for arousal. In order for us to feel ready and excited for sex, we need to first take our foot off the brake, and then accelerate. Essentially, we need to turn off the things that turn us off and turn on the turn-ons.

Sounds simple right? Well, everyone’s brakes (what turns them off) and accelerators (what turns them on) are different. Not only do we all have unique and individual turn-ons and turn-offs, but the sensitivity of our brakes and accelerators will vary widely between people too. To have the best, most nourishing and pleasurable sex we can have, what we want to do is activate our accelerator AND deactivate our brakes. Let’s explore the difference between the two sexual arousal systems.

The Accelerator

The Sexual Excitation System (SES) is your sexual accelerator or your turn-ons. It’s in constant pursuit of pleasure, working below the level of consciousness and scanning the environment for sexually relevant stimuli. It looks for things in your sensory world – what you can see, smell, taste, touch, hear – and sends a message to your brain (and sometimes your genitals) to turn on.

Possible turn-ons could be things like:

  • Mood lighting
  • Seeing a partner’s naked body
  • Feeling desired by their partner (without pressure)
  • The smell of your lover’s fragrance
  • Sexy music
  • Seeing your lover in their element
  • Certain types of touch (sexual and non-sexual)
  • Eye contact
  • Deep conversation
  • Sex Toys
  • Imagined scenarios

The Brakes

The Sexual Inhibition System (SIS) is your sexual brake, or your turn-offs. This system is perpetually scanning your environment for possible threats and reasons not to be aroused because nobody wants a random boner at a family dinner, right? This system is incredibly important in our everyday life, but if our brakes are highly sensitive then they can hinder our sexual experience. This is why we want to do what we can to take our foot off the brakes when it comes time to get down. Our SIS can be split into two categories, internal and external.

Internal:

  • Body image insecurities
  • Performance anxiety
  • ‘Meaning’ (eg: are we dating?)
  • Being up in your head
  • Feeling distracted or rushed
  • Feelings toward the person
  • Not feeling seen or appreciated
  • Social consequences

External:

  • Harsh lighting
  • Fear of being caught
  • Concern around lack of protection/catching an STI
  • Fear of unwanted pregnancy
  • Temperature in the room
  • Messy environment
  • Safety in general (physical AND emotional)
  • Inappropriate context (eg a family dinner)

So, to be in a state of arousal is essentially to be able to turn on the ONs, and turn off the OFFs. But of course, whether you’re turned on or off will depend largely on the context. Everyone’s accelerators and brakes are different and have different levels of sensitivity, but these lists might give you more of an understanding of what your own turn-ons and turn-offs are so that you can share them with your partner. And similarly, discover what theirs may be.

So, the next time you’re wanting to get it on with your lover – pause and consider what you each might need in order to release the brakes and rev the engine. Enjoy!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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New Research Offers Solutions To Age-Old Relationship Problems

By Mark Travers

Most people will tell you about certain challenges that arise sooner or later in long-term relationships. In most cases, it is enough knowing that you are not alone and that rough patches are a completely normal part of intimate relationships.

However, there are certain times when an issue prompts you to question the very foundation of your relationship. Luckily, research in psychology can give us clues on how to answer our deepest and most unnerving relationship questions.

Here are three hallmark hurdles that you might face in a long-term relationship and some research-backed advice to help you combat them.

#1. Do you desire to change something about your partner?

An alteration in what you expect from a significant other in your relationship over time is natural. But asking them to change can be a delicate and potentially damaging process.

Being asked to change can evoke intense emotions for the changing partner. To make requests for change relatively easy and less stressful for your significant other, researcher Natalie Sisson of the University of Toronto gives a couple of tips:

  1. Make an effective change request. A clear and direct change request — as opposed to one that is vague or implicit — communicates that there is an issue in the relationship and helps changing partners determine what they can do to meet their partner’s request.
  2. Be supportive. A change request should also be balanced with support and validation, given that we know change requests are difficult to hear. It is also important that changing partners feel supported during the change process and that requesting partners provide feedback about how things are going.

#2. Do you feel like you’ve hit a sexual plateau in your relationship?

Any activity that is repetitive and lacks newness can feel obligatory. This is especially true in the case of sex, which is usually portrayed as an aspect of a relationship that keeps things exciting.

Psychologists suggest that couples can, and often do, engage in maintenance sex to keep their sex lives active.

Maintenance sex refers to sessions of scheduled sexual activity in a relationship wherein at least one or both partners may not desire the sexual activity they are participating in due to various reasons, including a lack of sex drive.

Researcher Cory Pedersen of Kwantlen Polytechnic University of Canada says that indulging in maintenance sex can help couples experience greater relationship satisfaction as partners begin to develop a deeper understanding of each other’s needs, which often translates into better sex.

Another solution to the ‘sexual plateau’ problem is to express more gratitude in one’s relationship. A recent study tracked 118 couples’ gratitude and sexual satisfaction level over the course of three months and found out that people were sexually satisfied to the extent that they expressed and received a high degree of gratitude with their partners.

“Maintaining sexual satisfaction is a critical, yet challenging, aspect of most romantic relationships,” says psychologist Ashlyn Brady of the University of North Carolina. “Results from our study suggest that experiencing and receiving gratitude increases the motivation to meet a partner’s sexual needs.”

#3. Is your relationship with yourself suffering?

It can’t be said enough that a poor relationship with ourselves almost always translates into a poor relationship with our partner.

One’s self-relationship could suffer for various reasons, such as low self-esteem due to a failure at work or chronic issues such as depression or an insecure attachment style.

Lifestyle medicine and positive psychology are great resources when it comes to improving or repairing your relationship with yourself. Here are some tips from both fields to help kick-start your self-love journey:

  • On the lifestyle medicine side, researchers recommend spending eight hours per night in bed without a device. They also recommend increasing your daily consumption of plant-based foods and doing 30 minutes of moderate exercise or walking 10,000 steps per day.
  • On the positive psychology side, researchers suggest going out of your way to give someone a genuine compliment every day. They also suggest spending 15 minutes a day reflecting on things that went well and taking time to forgive people who have hurt you.

Conclusion: Love and romance are usually portrayed as mysterious and elusive experiences that human beings have little to no control over. Therapists and researchers argue, however, that with effective communication, patience, and effort there are no relationship problems too big to overcome.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Decline In Sexual Desire May Signal Deeper Relationship Issues

By Kelly Gonsalves

There are so many potential reasons why sexual desire in a relationship may wane over time. You might fall into a sexual routine that fails to inspire much excitement, or you become parents and have little time or energy for anything outside of keeping the house running. Or maybe you just stop prioritizing sex altogether because other areas of life are taking precedence.

But recent research suggests there’s one factor that people don’t often consider—and this one can have significant implications for the relationship’s future.

Your perception of your partner may be changing in a bad way.

The link between sexual desire and partner perception.

In a recent study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, researchers had a hunch that sexual desire plays a specific, unique role in the maintenance of relationships. Sexual desire, they hypothesized, “serves as a gut-level indicator of partner mate value that motivates investment in valued partners.”

That is, sexual desire is an instinctive barometer of how valuable you perceive your partner to be, which includes the extent to which they possess the qualities of a good partner, how invested you both are in the relationship, and how easily you think they could find a new partner if you weren’t in the picture.

Moreover, past studies have shown that people who have sexual desire for their romantic partner are also more likely to engage in behaviors that will help maintain and strengthen the relationship overall.

“Sexual desire for current partners thus apparently tends to spill over outside the bedroom, enhancing the willingness to employ strategies that allow individuals to get closer to their partners and improve their relationships,” the researchers write in the paper.

The researchers wanted to see if all these dots were in fact connected, with sexual desire being an indicator of seeing your partner as valuable and—because of that—a motivator to nurture the relationship. A decline in desire, in turn, would align with lower partner perception and declining investment.

Testing the role of sexual desire in relationships.

To test their theory, the team, led by Gurit Birnbaum, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Reichman University in Israel, conducted a series of experiments with a total of nearly 800 people in relationships (mostly college students, except for one experiment that included people up to age 60).

In one experiment, the researchers asked a batch of these romantically involved individuals to recall—in vivid detail—either an event in which they highly valued their partner or an event that made them value their partner less. Then, the participants were asked to rate their level of sexual desire for their partner and then to indicate how many spa treatments they wanted to transfer to their partner (out of five) in case of winning a lottery at the end of the experiment.

Partners who remembered a moment of highly valuing their partner experienced increased sexual desire for them, and those who had more sexual desire for their partner tended to gift them with more spa treatments.

In other experiments, the researchers actually tracked couples throughout their daily lives to see if these trends held true in real life. Over the course of six weeks (in one experiment) and then six months (in another), researchers asked both members of each couple to complete a daily or weekly diary recording their feelings about their partner and the relationship. They tracked their perceptions of their partner’s value as a partner (for example, rating their agreement with statements like “If my partner were single, he would have been romantically pursued by other individuals”), their desire to have sex with them (“I was very interested in having sex with my partner today”), and how positively they treated each other (“My partner behaved thoughtfully toward me today,” “I often put aside my own interests for the sake of my relationship with my partner,” and so on).

Consistently, the findings showed that, at times when a person perceived their partner as being more valuable, they also experienced more sexual desire for them. That increased desire, in turn, predicted a higher likelihood of doing things to nurture the relationship—including non-sexual things like being thoughtful toward the partner and making sacrifices for them.

What this means for relationships where desire is declining.

Past research has linked sexual satisfaction with relationship satisfaction; that is, when a couple is happy with their sex life, they tend to be happy with their relationship overall too.

This study by Birnbaum and her colleagues suggests that there’s a specific reason for this: Wanting to have sex with your S.O. is a manifestation of how positively you view them as a partner, and it’s a motivator to be more engaged in ensuring the relationship’s health.

“Reduced sexual desire, in contrast, may deny the relationship these benefits,” Birnbaum and her colleagues note. “Experiencing low sexual desire for one’s partner may stem from perceiving this partner to be less valuable as a mate, and second, may be translated into less investment in the relationship, which eventually might hurt the relationship and foretell its demise.”

Meaning: If you’re noticing you’re less sexually interested in your partner than you have been in the past, it may in part be because you’re valuing them less as a romantic partner in general. Your perception of them may be becoming more negative.

Viewing your partner through a negative lens has obvious destructive consequences in terms of how happy you are in your relationship and how you treat your partner accordingly.

Birnbaum and her team’s research shows that sexual desire is a mediating factor between valuing your partner less and disengaging from the relationship. In other words, it’s a bit of a canary in the coal mine situation: when desire for your partner declines, it may be a sign that overall investment in your partner is declining too.

What to do if you’re in this situation.

First of all, it’s important to again remember that sexual desire in a relationship can decrease for all sorts of reasons. You might have less interest in sex with your partner because of other issues in your relationship, stress, increased responsibilities in other parts of your life, or any other number of reasons.

“Perceived partner mate value is only one of the factors that may affect desire,” Birnbaum tells mbg. “Many psychological processes influence relationship quality and stability (e.g., interdependence, commitment, trust) and may contribute to decreases and increases in the level of sexual desire.” It’s also OK to not want sex from time to time, or at all.

That said, per this study’s findings, Birnbaum notes that declines in sexual desire in a long-term relationship may be driven, at least in part, by negative changes in perception of your partner’s mate value. “Such decreases are likely to be a prime factor in the well-documented decreases in relationship satisfaction that occur over time in marriage and other marital-like relationships,” she explains.

That means, if you notice you’re feeling less sexually interested in your partner than you have been in the past, it’s important to check in with yourself and your relationship to understand why that might be. Are your opinions about your partner overall changing? Is a negative bias beginning to cloud your view of them?

Maybe that doesn’t feel accurate to your situation. Or maybe it is.

The good news is, there are ways to build up positive regard for your partner again, if that’s what you want to do. “Make sure that you are paying attention to where your thoughts go,” licensed couples therapist Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, recently told mbg. “While it is important to maintain a realistic understanding of our relationship—which does include having complaints and negative thoughts—we also need to make sure we are making room for the good things, noticing what we appreciate, love, and where our partner is doing things ‘right.’”

And as Birnbaum’s team write in their paper, working specifically on increasing sexual desire in your relationship again can also have a positive overall effect on the relationship by encouraging more investment and positive engagement with one another.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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5 Ways Technology Can Actually Help Your Relationship

Scrolling next to each other counts.

By Nikki Campo

During the first year-ish of the pandemic, I counted down the minutes until I could crash into bed. But every night, as depleted as I felt, I stayed awake to indulge in a guilty pleasure best enjoyed alone: an hour of TV and my phone. So recently, when my husband’s New Year’s resolution coaxed him into bed at the same time I turned in, I was grumpy.

I assumed he would have opinions about what to watch during my sacred solo time. And what if he wanted to make out when I felt like passing out? Admittedly, I felt selfish about wanting to just lie there, streaming PEN15 and scrolling Twitter. 

Conventional wisdom tells us technology is bad. Too much screen time disrupts our sleep and disturbs our focus. Casual social media use can turn into less-healthy doomscrolling. And research points to potential negative effects of technology on relationships. Take for instance, the phenomenon of “technoference,” or interruptions in couple interactions caused by technology use. Maybe it’s one person talking to another while they’re typing an email, or your partner venting about their day while you mindlessly scroll Instagram. Not surprisingly, a 2019 study of 173 couples in Computers in Behavior found that this type of behavior can have a significant negative impact on mood and how we feel about our relationships.

I can relate. When stay-at-home social distancing orders had us spending all day, every day together, my husband’s phones—yes, there are two—were always around: chirping ESPN notifications at dinner, lighting up in his pocket, demanding an email response, even if we were in the middle of a conversation or trying to get out the door for a neighborhood stroll. I started to think of his phones as unwanted third (and fourth) partners in our marriage. But did I tell him that’s how I felt? If you count my animated eye rolls and barely audible, “Here we go again,” when he reached for his phone, then yes.

But contrary to the technical interference in my relationship, some researchers think technology has been undeservedly criticized when it comes to intimate connection. And, with a little self-awareness, our devices have the potential to bring us closer to our partners. That’s why we consulted a couple of experts who specialize in the effects of technology on relationships. Read on for their practical tips on how to prevent tech from destroying intimacy—without giving up your devices, naturally.

1. Try to establish healthy tech boundaries.

“Technology was a connector, refuge, and even lifeline for most of us during the pandemic,” Michelle Drouin, PhD, psychology professor at Purdue University, writes in her recently released book Out of Touch: How to Survive an Intimacy Famine. But pandemic or not, there’s a pitfall to our ubiquitous connection: the technoference we mentioned earlier. These technological interruptions in our face-to-face interactions—like when one partner’s phone is at the dinner table and the other really wishes it wasn’t—can have a lasting impact. “Even if it’s only a momentary experience, it can feel like rejection,” Dr. Drouin tells SELF. “It sends a signal to your partner that you’re choosing your phone over them.”

The best thing to do if technoference is a hot button issue in your relationship? You guessed it: Talk to your partner. But Dr. Drouin emphasizes that we should avoid threats and accusations. Instead, try to use “I” statements. For example, “I feel sad when I’m lying next to you but I’m not the focus of your attention,” rather than, “You’re always on your phone and it’s ruining our relationship.” Obviously, the latter is more likely to cause the phubber (the phone snubber) to feel attacked and less open to adjusting their tech habits. Conversely, approaching the subject in a nonthreatening way can help you and your partner set tech boundaries that work for both of you. Think putting phones away at dinner or bedtime, or setting time limits for social media scrolling.

And it’s worth noting that phones don’t interfere in every relationship. “There are some couples who are perfectly fine that they’re both on the couch scrolling on technology while watching a show,” says Dr. Drouin. In other words, if screens aren’t preventing anyone from getting their needs met, then keep calm and scroll on.

2. Learn to read between the (text message) lines.

For the past couple of months, my husband and I have been going to bed and waking up together. Still, once the day starts, our communication is almost exclusively electronic: a texted grocery list, a reminder about which kid needs to be picked up, a scheduling confirmation for the coming weekend.

Mimi Winsberg, MD, a Stanford-trained psychiatrist and the chief medical officer at Brightside Health, calls texting “the lingua franca of love”—meaning that texting has become our primary form of communication, not just with friends and colleagues, but with our romantic partners.

And yet, Dr. Winsberg, who spent three years as Facebook’s resident psychiatrist, tells SELF, “You can be the most tech-savvy person in the world, but our brains are still catching up to the way we’re using technology in our closest relationships. We have a lot to learn.”

In her recently released book, Speaking in Thumbs: A Psychiatrist Decodes Your Relationship Texts So You Don’t Have To, Dr. Winsberg draws on 25 years of clinical experience and research—her own and others’—to help people understand how texting impacts our relationships. Why texting? Dr. Winsberg argues that each person has ways they want to express and experience love, and since double-thumbing phone messages has generally become the dominant mode of communication in modern relationships, those preferences clearly manifest in texts. Borrowing terminology from Dr. Gary Chapman’s popular The 5 Love Languages, Dr. Winsberg’s book introduces five text love languages: compliments, riffing (rapid-fire banter), spoon-feeding (sending an interesting read or meme, or little personal updates), nooking (sweet nothings, like “XO,” or sexting), and nudging (reminders that you’re thinking of them).

“I think it’s helpful for people to know how they like to communicate and be communicated with,” says Dr. Winsberg. That way, partners are more likely to feel like they’re getting their emotional needs met. If you can’t decipher each other’s preferences from your text thread, have a chat. For example, you could say, “I’m not very good at chatting during the workday, but I love a good text sesh in the evening,” or “I’d love a goodnight text.” Then meet your partner where they are—if they prefer compliments, keep them sincere, or if they’re into riffing, set aside five minutes when you’re both normally free and see if you can make them LOL.

3. Consider doing a self-diagnostic.

We can learn a lot by scrolling back over our texts and looking at how we interact with our partners. According to Dr. Winsberg, our texting history “can provide an electronic health record” of sorts for our relationship. Recently, I read through my text exchanges with my husband. His “out of Ziplock bags” text probably didn’t count as riffing, just like my “Are you coming?” could hardly be mistaken for sexting, given the context. In fact, I found little evidence that the two people communicating were even in love, unless you count the occasional red heart emoji.

Dr. Winsberg writes in her book, “While messages may inevitably become more utilitarian in this way over the course of a relationship, there are good reasons to suggest that affectionate exchanges can help a couple maintain their bond.” After a year of living in constant contact (with kids), browsing our history was just the advice my husband and I needed. It inspired us to start sprinkling in texts like “I appreciate you” or a simple heart-eyes emoji—small acts of affection that have been satisfying to both send and receive.

Shanhong Luo, PhD, relationship researcher and professor at the University of North Carolina Wilmington, tested a similar hypothesis in a 2015 study published in Computers in Human Behavior titled “Can texting improve romantic relationships?” And according to her research, it can. “If people send a positive text message to their partner, either something generic or something nice about the partner, it helps to combat the downward satisfaction pattern,” Dr. Luo tells SELF. In other words, we all know it’s common for a relationship to have an early honeymoon phase followed by a slow fade in attraction over time. A super doable antidote? Send nice text messages.

4. Use evening screen time to your advantage.

Spending quality time with your significant other before bed, specifically, may offer a beneficial bonding boost, according to Dr. Drouin. And—good news for me–together tech-time totally counts.

In a 2021 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, Dr. Drouin found that more than half of the 289 participants reported going to bed at the same time as their partner, while 27% said they usually didn’t, but wanted to. In her book, Dr. Drouin writes, “Simply going to bed with a romantic partner predicted bedtime satisfaction. In turn, increased bedtime satisfaction led to more sexual, relationship, and life satisfaction.”

If that sounds like too big a pivot because, like me, you value your solo screen time at night, take heart: “It doesn’t matter what couples are doing together, as long as they’re doing it right before bed,” Dr. Drouin says.

For example, she says that partners don’t necessarily need to have sex, or even long conversations, to bond. “Sometimes watching a movie or show together can get you to a positive place in terms of your relationship satisfaction,” she tells SELF. What if Netflix isn’t your jam? No problem, Dr. Drouin’s study found all that’s needed for activities to be “pro-bonding” for couples is that they’re experienced together—which is good news for pairs who prefer playing video games or listening to a podcast (or even side-by-side scrolling) over streaming shows.

The caveat: If you do opt for tech over touch at night, be cognizant of blue light before sleep. According to the CDC, exposure to blue light can make it difficult to fall and stay asleep. But a study in the Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine suggests that TV is less likely to interfere with sleep than more interactive devices like mobile phones, which are more physiologically and cognitively stimulating—plus, since TVs aren’t typically as close to your face as phones and tablets, your eyes may get less blue light exposure.

5. Make incremental autocorrection the goal.

Becoming aware of technology’s impact on our closest relationships is critical, says Dr. Luo, but revamping our tech habits wholesale may seem too daunting. That’s why she encourages couples to focus on small acts of romantic upkeep. “For houses, cars, and relationships, regular maintenance makes it possible to sustain satisfaction,” she says.

For me this little-by-little mindset helps. During the day I now make an effort to notice when I’m mindlessly scrolling (hello check-out lines and parking lots), stop myself, and send some e-love to my man instead. Even if love looks like a meme of Taylor Swift making heart hands. “It’s easy to do,” Dr. Luo says. “Remembering to do it is a big first step.”

As for his phone mistresses, I also finally took a deep breath, promised myself to reach for “I statements”—even though barking criticisms felt more emotionally authentic—and talked to him about how it feels when his phones come to dinner. Lately, he’s been leaving them behind at dinnertime more often than not and charging them overnight in the kitchen so they’re out of reach when we go to bed. And he’s also going to ditch his personal phone in favor of keeping only one phone for business and pleasure.

When nighttime rolls around, I’ve taken Dr. Drouin’s advice about conversation and negotiation. “People don’t like being forced to do something,” Dr. Drouin tells SELF. “The best thing to do is ask your partner, ‘What does your ideal bedtime look like?’” If one person prefers streaming a Netflix series, say, and another wants to get busy, consider splitting the week and meeting your partner in the middle.

I’ve finally come around to his crashing my bedtime ritual, too. Though he never got into PEN15, we agree on Ozark and the idea of lights out by 10. Now, once we find the movie or show for the night, we snuggle up to watch it (usually with our phones out of reach). I’ve actually started to prefer his armpit to the pillow I used when he wasn’t lying next to me.

Maybe the next time I conduct a post-mortem of my marital text thread, I’ll find evidence of more than the groceries we lack. But I’m not expecting a bolt of romantic lightning either. “As with most things in science, a gradual synthesis is much more likely than a great leap,” Dr. Drouin says. “So couples may find that just like resentment can increase over time as phones interfere with interactions, positive feelings can also build as they take small steps together.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner

By Sheri Stritof

Problems with sex and sexual satisfaction can cause relationship and marital distress.1 Even though it is a common problem, talking about sex with your partner can be daunting. Sharing issues with strangers online might even feel easier for you than discussing them directly with your partner, which might explain why sex is so commonly discussed in online relationship forums.

These conversations can produce significant anxiety, which can cause you to avoid them altogether. Knowing a few strategies can make them easier, however, and you’re likely to find “the sex talk” worth the effort.

Reasons to Talk About Sex With Your Partner

Research has found that couples who have strong sexual communication are more satisfied with their sex lives.2 If you’re experiencing issues with your sex life, talking frankly about them with your partner might improve your sex life and your relationship.

Open communication can lead to greater feelings of intimacy and a stronger relationship. In fact, talking honestly with your partner might increase your overall satisfaction with your relationship.3

Important Topics to Discuss

Sex-related topics you should talk about with your partner might include:

  • Change in libido
  • Desire to try something new
  • Family planning
  • Feelings of sexual rejection or always having to initiate sex
  • Lack of intimacy or need for more affection
  • Lack of sexual satisfaction
  • Sexual dysfunction

Talking About Safe Sex

Practicing safe sex is crucial, especially if your relationship is open to others. Ask your partner if they’ve used condoms and other safety measures when engaging with other sexual partners. Likewise, be honest about your own practices. If either of you hasn’t practiced safe sex, discuss appropriate testing for everyone involved.

Between exclusive partners in a monogamous relationship, raising this issue can be especially difficult if it raises questions of fidelity. If you have engaged in any kind of sexual activity with someone else or suspect that your partner has, it’s time for a frank, if difficult, conversation and testing.

Talking About Your Desires

Your comfort level is an important part of having a satisfying sex life. Your partner can’t read your mind, so telling them what you want and need can enhance the sexual experience for both of you. Discuss what makes you feel aroused and desired. If your partner is falling short of your expectations, communicate this gently and constructively, and offer ideas you think might help.

Try talking about your sexual fantasies. This might be difficult at first but bear in mind that everyone has them, and they tend to fall into a few common categories. Being vulnerable in this way can increase the intimacy between you and your partner and might even lead to some new ideas for sexual activities.

When You Don’t Want Sex

Libido can change from one day to the next, and sometimes, two people simply don’t align in their level of sexual desire. When you would rather not engage, remember to communicate with your partner honestly and sensitively.

If low or mismatched libido is a recurring problem that is causing problems in your relationship, consider consulting a healthcare provider or counselor for advice. There are many variables to consider when it comes to sex drive including your physical and mental health.

When to Talk About Sex

There is a time and place to discuss sex with your partner. Waiting for the right moment to address the topic can help you get around some of those feelings of discomfort or awkwardness that can be common during sex talks. You should also:

  • Pick a neutral location. Don’t talk about sexual problems in your bedroom or at bedtime. Pick a neutral location that’s private and comfortable for both of you.
  • Avoid post-sex talks. Don’t talk about sex-related problems right after having sex. Wait for a time when you can be more objective and removed from the topic at hand.
  • Avoid blindsiding your partner. If you want to talk about sexual problems, let your partner know (without placing blame) that you think the two of you need to talk. Set a time and a place, and think about what you’d like to discuss beforehand.

How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner

Here are some strategies for making conversations about sex easier for both of you.

Start Slowly

Have a “soft start” to the conversation. Begin with your goal to feel closer and connected with your partner. Avoid blaming. Skip criticism, and focus on things you both can do to make your sex life more fulfilling.

Focus on Intimacy

Remember that affection and intimacy are just as important as frequency.4 Look into ways to build intimacy and feel more connected beyond intercourse, and talk about your needs for other types of affection and attention, too.

Skip the Surprises

You should both be on the same page, so initiate these conversations before springing any surprises on your partner. Talk about what you both might enjoy and fantasies you have. If you do decide to introduce some of these into your relationship, research your options together.

To avoid creating problems in your sex life, don’t purchase sex advice books or sex toys without discussing the issue with your partner first.

Express Yourself

Talk with one another about expectations, fears, desires, and concerns—and be honest. Share your innermost thoughts and feelings regarding your sexual relationship, and help your partner feel emotionally safe enough to do the same.

Talk Often

The “sex talk” is not a one-time conversation; it should be an ongoing discussion and a normal part of your relationship. Needs and desires can change over time. Check in with your partner often.

Understand Your Sexual Style

Knowing your sexual style can help you understand which forms of intimacy you find the most satisfying—and the same rings true for your partner. Explore your sexual styles with one another. All couples have these styles or moods at some point.

  • Spiritual: This is a union of mind, body, and soul that reflects your deep appreciation of being with one another. Noticing the small moments in your lives can enhance your spiritual connection.
  • Funny: Laughing and teasing one another in bed is about having fun together. There is a light and playful undertone.
  • Angry: Making love even when you’re ticked off at each other can be healing. However, be sure to address the issues eventually.
  • Lusty: This style is wicked and flirty. You might give each other seductive looks or have quick sex in an unusual setting. This is about the joy and physicality of having sex.
  • Tender: This style is the gentle, romantic, healing sex that may involve massages, light touches, and ministering to one another. You both are into the physical sensations and focus on giving each other pleasure.
  • Fantasy: With this style, the two of you collaborate to be daring and experiment a bit. If you incorporate your fantasies into sexual activity with your partner, set guidelines and honor each other’s limits.

If you and your partner have different sexual styles, open and honest communication can help. Talking through your differences can help you understand and address the differences, ensuring that you both feel satisfied. You and your partner might also consider sex therapy if you need help.

A Word From Verywell

“Good lovers are made, not born,” as the saying goes. If you truly want your sexual relationship to be all that it can be, take the time to talk with one another

Engaging in regular communication is an important component of any great relationship—and that includes talking about sex.5 This conversation is necessary for all couples, and it isn’t a one-time event. It’s something you and your partner should take part in regularly from the beginning of your relationship on. A healthy sex life is a great gift, and it’s to be enjoyed and nurtured.

Frequently Asked Questions

  • How do you talk to your partner about pain during sex?

    If you’re experiencing dyspareunia (pain during sex), don’t suffer in silence. Be honest and open with your partner. Seek medical help to determine the cause. Your comfort is important, and a good sexual partner should be understanding and supportive.

  • How do you talk about sex without it being awkward?

    The more frequently you discuss sex with your partner, the less awkward it will be. Remember that your partner can’t read your mind and might be relieved when you express what’s on yours. Choose a neutral place free of distraction and interruptions, and avoid criticism.

  • How do you talk about sex problems with your partner?

    Approach it as you would any other problem in your relationship. Be sensitive to your partner’s feelings and avoid criticism. Choose a neutral place and a time when you won’t be interrupted so both of you feel safe and can be as open as possible. Couples therapy can also provide a safe space to talk about sexual issues.

  • How do you talk about sex with a potential marriage partner?

    If your partner seems interested in marriage, it’s important to discuss expectations regarding sex. It’s a big component of a healthy marriage for most people, and knowing what’s important to your partner can build intimacy. Start slowly, choose a neutral place where you won’t be interrupted, and be sensitive to your partner’s feelings. You may also choose to try pre-marital counseling, which can be a safe, supportive place to discuss sex for some couples.

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Is Sexual Perfectionism Holding You Back In The Boudoir?

By Pema Bakshi

Perfectionism is a well-documented personality trait that can vary from somewhat healthy to… not so healthy. We often hear about the need to have everything ‘just right‘ in the workplace or in social situations, but we rarely hear about the concept of sexual perfectionism; the kind that sees us taking it to the bedroom. To understand the concept a little better, we tapped into the expertise of Laura Miano, sex therapist and founder of sex toy company Posmo.

Sexual perfectionism is an umbrella term for a kind of performance anxiety. It can manifest in a variety of ways, but mostly comes down to the pressure to look or perform a certain way during sex. That could be things like intrusive thoughts of insecurity that take you out of the moment (e.g. how your body looks), fixating on doing things ‘right’ (e.g. how your moans sound) or putting unnecessary stress on yourself or your partner to climax.

As a study published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behaviour outlines, the most common types of sexual perfectionism are: self-oriented, where a person holds themselves to exceedingly high standards; partner-oriented, where they hold their partners to exceedingly high standards; partner-prescribed, where a person holds the belief that their partner is holding them to high standards; and socially-prescribed, where a person feels pressure from society to present a certain kind of sexuality.

The study examined how sexual perfectionism affects women in particular and how partner-prescribed sexual perfectionism impacted overall sexual wellbeing and satisfaction. Examining 366 women between the ages of 17 and 69, it found that participants who thought their partner wanted sexual perfection were more likely to experience sexual dysfunction, anxiety and lower self-esteem — none of which really lead to a good time downtown.

What’s so bad about it?

Wanting sex to be good isn’t a bad thing. Hell, it’s your right and you shouldn’t settle for any less. But the nastier side of perfectionism creeps up when you find yourself getting bogged down in what you think sex is supposed to be like, rather than what you actually enjoy.

Essentially, it takes something that’s meant to be enjoyable and turns it into labour, especially if you tend to be highly critical of yourself and/or your partners.

Why does sexual perfectionism exist?

We all tend to lean towards perfectionism about certain things, and we all have our reasons for being particular. It can come from a need to have control over a situation, or having it play out exactly as we imagine or hope. Only, that’s not very realistic. As Miano tells us, it can also stem from the desire for acceptance, or even from past experiences of feeling judged.

“People with perfectionistic tendencies might have been implicitly taught during their upbringing that in order to receive love, acceptance or affection they need to meet certain standards. i.e. a parent who is distant or harsh when their child fails in school,” she says.

“It may be a broader trait that they experience in the rest of their life, or perhaps certain earlier sexual experiences taught them a message that when you aren’t ‘performing’ well in bed, your partner loses interest, disconnects from intimacy, or stops sex.”

Should we stop being sexual perfectionists?

Good sex is not an unreasonable demand. It’s about feeling comfortable enough to experiment and getting to know what you like. The real key to getting ahead of your perfectionist tendencies is to get real about your needs and communicate those to your partner so you can work on mutual enjoyment, free of the need to bend in just the right, aesthetically pleasing way.

Remember, life is short and there is no limit to a good time when it comes to your sexual pleasure. Striving towards perfection only inhibits you from exploring what else gets you going — discoveries that can only happen when you embrace sex in all its messiness.

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11 Ways To Have More Romantic Sex

By Kelly Gonsalves

Sometimes, you want sex that goes beyond the physical: sex that’s full of powerful emotions, simultaneously intense and tender, almost spiritual. Not just two bodies intertwining, but also two souls.

Sexual romance is the experience of expressing feelings of love, passion, and care through erotic touch. So, to have more romantic sex, you’ll want to find ways to communicate how you feel about your partner through your sexual actions.

With that in mind, here are a few ways to make sex more romantic, from sexuality experts:

1. Learn what your partner finds romantic.

“Romance is relative,” sex and dating coach Myisha Battle, M.S., recently told mbg. What you find romantic might be different from what your partner finds romantic, which might be different from what the next person finds romantic. So, take time to actually ask your partner what sexual romance means to them, specifically.

This conversation itself can be fairly steamy. On an intimate date night, ask them about what intimate, passionate sex looks like to them. Ask them how they liked to be touched and held. You’re sure to enjoy the conversation that follows, and whatever else comes after that. “Talking about sex when you’re not having it can actually increase the quality of the sex you have tremendously,” Battle adds.

Then, deliver on whatever desires they shared with you. Not only will you be giving them pleasure in the exact way they like it, but they’ll also know you were really listening to them and care about making them feel good.

2. Get to know your partner’s inner world.

Sexual romance starts outside the bedroom. Because romantic sex is all about showing how you feel through sexuality, you first need to actually nurture that connection.

Take time to actually get to know your partner: their hopes, dreams, personal challenges, fears, and desires. Spend quality time with them, getting to know their soul well, from their adorable little quirks and to their most amazing, awe-inspiring qualities. When you can truly appreciate how wonderful your partner is, you’ll be better able to convey genuine adoration for them in bed.

3. Create a romantic environment.

One of the simplest ways to cultivate sexual romance is to physically set the right scene for your intimate activities, according to certified sex therapist Michelle Herzog, LMFT, CST. She recommends taking the time to create a romantic, sensual environment by attending to the five senses in your space.

“Getting creative with sensory experiences like incorporating sultry scents, listening to sexy music, and so on can expand your sexual experience,” she recently told mbg. “Consider bringing in softer lighting and make sure that the space is clean and free of things like pet hair [or] clothes all over the floor to enhance the sexual space and make it free of distractions.”

4. Gaze into each other’s eyes.

Eye contact can instantly make sex more intimate, according to AASECT-certified sex therapist Janet Brito, Ph.D., LCSW. “Eye gazing can promote feelings of safety and attunement.”

Aim for sex positions that allow you to face each other, and even better if you can be close enough to really gaze into each other’s eyes throughout the act. Really try to see into your partner’s soul, and see them fully.

5. Kiss them in places other than their mouth.

Lay soft kisses all over their body, especially in the more tender and vulnerable places. A kiss on the back of the hand, the forehead, the shoulder, or the inner thigh—delivered oh so gently—can make the heart flutter and swell.

6. Hold hands.

Likewise, sometimes even the simple act of holding your partner’s hands during sex can make the experience all the more romantic. Interlock your fingers with theirs as you gaze into each other’s eyes and melt into each other.

7. Try the yab yum.

The yab yum, also known as the lotus sex position, is a classic Tantric sex position for a reason: It’s incredibly intimate and involves creating a deep, spiritual connection between partners. One partner sits upright on the ground or bed, and the other sits on their lap and wraps their legs around the base partner. From there, sex and relationship coach Prandhara Prem, M.A., recommends engaging in circular breathing together: as one partner breathes in, the other breathes out, creating a “circular flow” of energy exchange between you.

“The other breathing that you can do is breathing together in and out at the same pace,” Prem also shared with mbg. “This gets your heart to beat at the same rate, thereby allowing you to be more empathetic with each other and know what the other is feeling.”

8. Be romantic in your day-to-day life.

In general, if you’re actively cultivating romance in your daily life, you’ll find that romance translating more easily into your sex life.

“Being romantic involves creating a sense of passion, anticipation, and excitement within a relationship,” clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., recently told mbg. “Romantic partners don’t need to be a specific personality type; they can be introverts, ambiverts, or extroverts. A romantic partner, however, does need to be attentive, thoughtful, willing, creative, and considerate of [their] partner’s secret (and not-so-secret) longings.”

Try showing affection for your partner more actively by planning special experiences for them, kissing them passionately in random moments, writing a love letter, or other romantic gestures.

9. Cuddle more.

According to research by John Gottman, Ph.D., and Julie Gottman, Ph.D., psychologists and founders of The Gottman Institute, cuddling is strongly correlated with a good sex life. “Ninety six percent of the non-cuddlers said they had a bad sex life,” John told mbg in a recent podcast episode, referencing a survey they conducted of some 70,000 people across 24 countries.

So, cuddle more often in your day-to-day lives. You might even consider getting more creative with your cuddling positions. (See also: spooning sex.)

10. Practice aftercare.

Continue showing care for your partner after the sex is over, so they know the intimacy you’ve just shared extends beyond just the sexual realm. “If one of you goes to sleep right away or puts on your clothes to leave, you’re overlooking an important step, and doing so can lead to feelings of rejection and disconnection,” trauma-informed relationship coach Julie Nguyen writes at mbg.

Aftercare refers to checking in with each other after a sexual experience to reconnect and make sure you both feel good about it. “Intentional aftercare gives you time to reflect on what just happened, validate each other’s feelings, and clear up anything that you weren’t able to mention during sex,” Nguyen explains.

11. Say what you’re feeling.

If you want a sexual moment to be more romantic, sometimes it’s as simple as saying what’s on your mind. This isn’t about whispering sweet nothings but rather opening up to be truly vulnerable with your emotions. How does your partner make you feel? What do they mean to you? What do you love about them—their personality, the way they look, the little things they do that pull you in? Let them know, right there and then in the middle of the act.

The more ways you can find to communicate your feelings for your partner during sex, the more romantic your sexual experiences will be.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Men Have Low Sexual Desire, Too

By Gigi Engle

There is a common belief that cisgender female people enjoy sex less than men. Our social scripts dictate that a low desire for sex is entirely a cis-female problem. Cisgender male people, on the other hand, are expected to be insatiable sex machines, always down to get it on.

Here’s the tea, my curious folx: It’s not just a female problem.

We believe it’s important to note that our social conventions don’t take gender-fluid, non-binary, or transgender people into account because these conventions are driven by backward, heteronormative ideas. We’re not, in any way, trying to leave people out. Low desire can happen in literally anyone with any body parts.

This is an everyone-problem. Men and people with penises suffer from this bullshit script, too. If you’re expected to be this sex-crazed monster, you’re bound to feel messed up about it. “It can lead [cisgender men] to [feel] incredible shame, to questioning their masculinity and whether they are enough for their partner/s,” Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist, tells TheBody.

Assigned male at birth (AMAB) people aren’t encouraged to be open about this because it isn’t acceptable for a cis-male person to have low desire.

Let’s separate the facts from the myths because we all deserve the amazing, vibrant sex lives we want. There’s no shame in the game.

Understanding the Complexity of Desire

Understanding low desire means understanding how desire actually works. Desire is born out of complex and interconnected bio-psycho-social factors. This refers to the subjective and universal experiences each person faces. They are different for everyone because everyone has different experiences, relationships, and biological factors that influence their lives.

Let’s strip down bio-psycho-social to its bones: Our desire, or lack thereof, is influenced by our biology: health, age, sexual anatomy, abilities, etc; our psychology (psycho): individual psychology, beliefs, values, and emotions; and social factors: cultural context, social context, and our relationships with other people.

Desire is rarely something that just “happens.” It is something that develops out of a complex, psychologically driven context. “Often your libido can be like the ‘canary in the coal mine’ of what is happening in your overall health and well-being and could be a sign that you are under severe stress or burnout,” Rowett says. “It can also happen for emotional reasons, like problems in the relationship, feeling frustrated and turned off by their partner, or past trauma that has not been resolved.” (For more information on how desire can be impacted by our minds, check out these articles here and here).

The idea that “male sexuality is seen as biologically driven, autonomous, spontaneous, [that] those with penises don’t have to do anything to get a hard-on” really does a massive disservice to AMAB people, Jordan Dixon, a clinical sex and relationships psychotherapist, tells TheBody. We need to do away with these harmful myths and be willing to openly embrace our vulnerabilities to find common ground.

Misinformation About Low Libido Can Be Harmful

The falsities around AMAB desire are seriously detrimental to everyone. We talk a lot about how society’s messaging messes with cisgender women, but this leaves cis-men confused and in the dark.

What’s more, cis-men are encouraged to hide their emotions and never talk about their struggles—which only further compounds this issue. If you can’t talk about how you’re being impacted by low desire because you’re not supposed to have it and not supposed to talk about it or seek help, you’re pretty screwed (and not in a good way).

Trying to simplify AMAB desire into the tiny box that sees male desire as “always on, raw, natural, and including rock-hard penises” is detrimental to everyone. It is “disempowering [to cisgender women] and pressur[es] men to act as unemotional machines, focused purely on their ‘performance,’” rather than the pleasure, Dixon tells us.

The shame cycle that this ignites will only add further stress to someone who experiences low desire. This will, in turn, lead to further exacerbating their low desire. If you don’t break out of this toxic cycle, you won’t be able to change it.

How to Handle Low Desire in a World That Loves Toxic Masculinity

“If you are a male and struggling with low desire, remember that you are not the only one, and it is far more common than you think,” Rowett says. Cisgender men feel alone, broken, and isolated because there are essentially zero cultural representations of low male desire in our toxic masculine world.

It’s not about solving low desire by focusing on how to “fix the penis.” It’s about understanding the whole human person in front of us, Dixon explains. “Difficult feelings or sensations may have valuable messages,” she says. We need to invite AMAB people to explore “the messages their penises are giving them.” Some realize that, in contrast to their own desire to be accommodating, their penises are angry at being expected to perform and want prior attention. By voicing their own needs and wants, AMAB people have an opportunity to heal their wounds and, in doing so, cultivate more desire.

Through clinically approved exercises such as self-focus, meditation, and mindfulness, clients can explore past sexual shame, damaging cultural messages, and personal roadblocks to their libido. If low libido negatively impacts your life, seeing a qualified sexologist, sex coach, or sex therapist can be hugely impactful. These are professionals whose job is to work with sexual blockages and help you have the sex life you want.

At the end of the day, the only way we can rid ourselves of the harmful lies that shackle us is through education and communication. We need to be willing to be radically vulnerable to be free from toxic masculine double standards. Talking about it, joining together, and finding our community can truly set us free.

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Everything You Need To Know About Outercourse

(Sex Without Penetration)

By Kesiena Boom, M.S.

What is outercourse?

Outercourse is a term that generally encompasses any type of non-penetrative sexual play, says sex educator Cassandra Corrado. “So it might include handjobs, nipple stimulation, perineal massage, cunnilingus—anything that stimulates the outside of the body for sexual pleasure.”

Notably, outercourse has a broad definition and can mean different things depending on who you ask. For some people, outercourse is any sexual activity that isn’t penis-in-vagina sex, while others define it more strictly as only sexual acts that don’t involve any penetration whatsoever.

Often, someone’s definition of what counts as outercourse is influenced by their reasons for wanting to practice it. A person who believes in waiting for marriage to have sex, for example, might see getting fingered vaginally as belonging to the realm of outercourse, whereas another person might not necessarily agree.

Some people see outercourse as a form of abstinence (i.e., voluntarily choosing to not have sex), while others see outercourse as just one of many types of sex. Outercourse can also be seen as encompassing any sexual activity that comes with a lowered STI risk or lowered chance of pregnancy, though notably, many forms of outercourse may still include skin-to-skin contact or an exchange of fluids, meaning there may still be some of these risks involved.

What behavior “counts” as outercourse.

Dry humping

Dry humping involves rubbing your genitals against your partner’s genitals or body, often with clothes still on. It can feel amazing and has a much lower risk of STI transmission and pregnancy than PIV sex. Dry humping might also entail someone rubbing their penis or clitoris between their partner’s butt cheeks or thighs in a simulation of intercourse. This involves more risk in terms of both STIs and pregnancy since ejaculate or vaginal lubrication is more likely to touch your partner’s genital mucous membranes or accidentally enter their vagina, and there’s skin-on-skin contact. (Here are some other ways to have a hands-free orgasm though, if you’re curious.)

Kissing

Good old making out can be considered a part of outercourse. Getting hot and heavy with your mouths is a simple yet fun erotic activity. (Read up on all the different types of kisses here, if you’re curious!)

Mutual masturbation

Mutual masturbation can describe two different things. Firstly, it can mean partners touching each other at the same time, or it can mean partners touching themselves at the same time, usually while looking at one another. The latter option carries the lowest risk of STI transmission, in addition to being extremely hot. Try lying on opposite ends of the bed and forbidding yourselves from touching each other while you go to town on yourself. You can even do it over the phone!

Tribadism

Colloquially known as scissoring, this form of outercourse involves grinding two vulvas together in order to stimulate each person’s clitoris. Finding the right angle is key for scissoring success, so don’t be afraid to experiment with different positions to find what works for you.

Massage

Is there anything sexier than a massage? Rubbing, kneading, and stroking your partner’s body with your hands is a safe and extremely pleasant form of outercourse. The erotic pleasure that can be gained from feeling your partner’s body underneath your hands is unmatched.

Vibrators

An external vibrator is a great way to enjoy outercourse. Just apply to your clitoris, penis, perineum, or nipples, and buzz away. A vibrator is a great way to reach orgasm without needing someone else to touch you, which is useful if you’re interested in outercourse as a form of abstinence from partnered sex. Just make sure to clean your sex toys well, especially if you use them during partnered sex.

Fingering and handjobs

Using your hands on your partner’s genitals can be seen as a form of outercourse. However, if one person’s vagina or anus is being penetrated, then some people may view it as intercourse as opposed to outercourse. However, as noted, people’s definitions do vary.

Oral sex

Going down on your partner or giving them a blowjob can be considered as another form of outercourse, as it doesn’t involve vaginal penetration. Not everyone would agree on categorizing oral sex as outercourse, though, as it all depends on your parameters for what outercourse is or isn’t. Even though oral sex cannot get you pregnant, it can still spread STIs, so if you’re engaging in oral sex, you’ll need to use a barrier method such as a condom or dental dam to reduce the risk of transmission.

Does outercourse count as abstinence?

“Depending upon one’s personal, spiritual, or ethical background, abstinence has different meanings for different people,” explains sex educator and therapist Tameca Harris-Jackson, Ph.D., LCSW, CSE, CIMHP.

For some, abstinence means refraining from any and all sexual behaviors, including, but not limited to, intercourse. This definition is usually more common among people for whom living “a chaste life may be an important exercise of faith,” says Harris-Jackson.

Abstinence can also be understood as simply avoiding penetrative, penis-in-vagina sex, in which case outercourse could technically be understood as a form of abstinence. If you are practicing abstinence, Corrado recommends that you “talk with your partners about what that means to each of you. It’s best to be on the same page—and to also understand why some things are off the table and why others aren’t.”

Benefits of outercourse.

1. Decenters penetration

Sexuality educator Shemeka Thorpe, Ph.D., notes that outercourse is a good way to “take the pressure off viewing penetrative sex as the main source of pleasure.” By engaging in outercourse, you can learn ways to have orgasms that don’t have anything to do with PIV or penetrative sex, she says.

2. Lowers pregnancy risk

Outercourse comes with a lower chance of getting pregnant because the penis does not enter the vagina. However, it may not always eliminate the risk of pregnancy completely: “People can still get pregnant with outercourse because semen can exist in pre-cum; and there is a chance that pre-cum can make contact with the vulva [and then the vagina] and result in pregnancy,” warns Lori Lawrenz, PsyD, of the Hawaii Center for Sexual and Relationship Health.

3. Gives you room to learn what you like

When assumptions that PIV=sex are off the table, people are left with more room to explore what gives them pleasure. Questions that can be asked might include “What kind of touch feels good to you? Where are the places that you especially enjoy being touched? How do you want to be touched, caressed, kissed, and/or held?” says Fred Wyand of the American Sexual Health Association.

4. Can soothe stressors

Due to outercourse’s less risky nature than PIV, it can contribute to a lowering of stress that might otherwise be present, says Harris-Jackson. Being able to enjoy sexual intimacy (especially if it’s a risk-free option such as a massage with no genital contact) without fear, or with less fear, can free oneself up to pleasure and mindfulness in the moment.

Risks of outercourse:

The risks can be misunderstood.

Rachel Lotus, a sex educator who focuses on sex education for young people, explains that one of the downsides of outercourse is that people might engage in it assuming that it’s risk-free. This is a myth that needs to be countered. Outercourse is less risky than PIV sex, but it is not risk free. Scissoring while nude, sharing sex toys, and oral sex are all examples of outercourse that can absolutely lead to the transmission of STIs.

It can inadvertently lead to intercourse.

This con is often touted as a reason not to have outercourse, the fear being that “engaging in outercourse may lead to the need, desire, or pressure to have [PIV] sex,” says Harris-Jackson. “It is worth noting, however, that this is not a risk inherent to outercourse. Instead, this concern is related to communication and consent. Having open and clear lines of communication with partners is essential. Be willing to be open and honest about expectations and boundaries. Discuss areas of ‘go’ and ‘no go’ on one another’s bodies as well as outercourse activities that are OK and not OK.”

She also advocates for the importance of being able to change one’s mind and remove or change the terms of consent. “Have such discussions in advance and continue the communication throughout,” she advises.

Is outercourse really “safe sex”?

No, outercourse isn’t necessarily “safe sex.”

“Any type of sex act comes with some level of risk, whether that’s risk of STI transmission, emotional vulnerability, physical harm, or social risk. There’s no one form of sex that’s inherently safe or unsafe,” Corrado explains. “If someone is including cunnilingus in their definition of outercourse, that’s oral sex—and it comes with the risk of STI transmission. But there is also how vulnerable someone feels during a sex act, if a particular sex act could trigger gender dysphoria, and if their partner can be trusted to keep what happens in the bedroom between them.”

Safer sex is achieved through a combination of communication, birth control (if relevant), and barrier methods. To make outercourse safer, you need to fit the protection to the act. For example, a condom will be effective (although not fail-proof) in preventing pregnancy if used while thrusting between your partner’s butt cheeks or thighs. However, a condom will not protect against herpes, for instance, as this STI is spread by skin-to-skin contact.

Likewise, to reduce the risk of STI transmission, a condom or dental dam needs to be used at any time during outercourse where there’s a risk that vaginal fluid or semen can touch your partner’s genitals or mouth.

The bottom line.

Whether you’re interested in avoiding penetration because of health reasons, simply aren’t interested in it, or want to protect yourself against pregnancy and STIs, outercourse can be a good choice for you. It’s even great for those who do engage in intercourse but who just want to mix it up a little. Just remember to stay safe and don’t assume that you’re protected just because no PIV is happening.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!