Category: Sex Education

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‘This Book is Gay’

— Provides comprehensive, and inclusive, sexual education

“This Book is Gay,” by Juno Dawson.

By Ali Velshi and Hannah Holland

“This Book is Gay,” by Juno Dawson, starts with a welcome: “There’s a long-running joke that, on ‘coming out,’ a young lesbian, gay guy, bisexual, or trans person should receive a membership card and instruction manual. This is your instruction manual.” And “This Book is Gay” reads as exactly that: a guide.

Each fact-based chapter is interspersed with a candid, first-person narrative collected from real people.

Equal parts humorous and informative, this nonfiction young adult book is divided into sections: identity, stereotypes, queer history, coming out and relationships — including sexual relationships. Each fact-based chapter is interspersed with candid, first-person narratives collected from real people.

Dawson is a guide with credentials, having spent nearly a decade as a sexual education and wellness teacher in the U.K. before turning to writing full-time. She came out as transgender publicly in 2015 and is a staunch advocate for the LGBTQ+ community.

“The Ins and Outs of Gay Sex,” a chapter positioned toward the end of the book, opens with text outlined to make you take notice, “This Chapter is about sex. […] If you are a younger reader and feel you aren’t ready for the finer details of same-sex pairings, then simply skip this whole chapter.” The chapter goes on to include potentially lifesaving information on sexually transmitted infections, including HIV and AIDS, diagrams of sexual organs, like you might see in health class, and a commentary on love and relationships.

It is this section that is referenced most frequently in the relentless calls to ban this book across the United States.

Much has been written about the sheer number of books banned these past two school years (a record 1,477 instances of individual books banned in the first half of this school year according to PEN America) and the fact that a disproportionately high number of those titles tell LGBTQ+ stories. “This Book is Gay” is frequently near the top of the American Library Association’s list of most banned books.

Most of the books we feature on the “Velshi Banned Book Club” are literature, including contemporary works of poetry and graphic novels. The conversation surrounding the accessibility of those works is ultimately a conversation about the value of literature for students and for society. Conversely, the conversation surrounding “This Book is Gay” is about the necessity for comprehensive and, most importantly, inclusive sexual education. As Dawson so saliently reminds readers, the exclusion of same-sex couples in the typical sex-ed class is nothing short of “institutional homophobia.”

Sexual education of any kind is rapidly disappearing and changing across the nation. Florida’s Broward County, which includes Fort Lauderdale, ended this school year with no sexual education at all. Georgia’s Gwinnett County, just outside of Atlanta, has voted to stick with abstinence-only education. School districts across Kentucky have had to overhaul their curriculum to comply with new bans on sex education, gender identity and student pronouns. This is happening all over the nation, state by state.

Of course, many of the arguments made against “This Book is Gay” center around antiquated views of gender expression and sexuality, but they’re also made in bad faith, including labeling this book as “inappropriate.” For a certain age group, this book is inappropriate. This book is not for young children — which is why it is not written for or marketed to them. Educators and proponents of inclusive sexual education, who may have used this book as an educational resource or noted its spot on a library shelf, are not intending for it to be used to teach young children.

Florida’s Broward County, which includes Fort Lauderdale, ended this school year with no sexual education at all.

“This Book is Gay” is for those young adults already grappling with their sexuality and identity. It is for those who are already looking for a safe space, understanding, or a guide through the dense jungle of teenage years. A group, I might add, that has had access to the full depths of the internet for their entire lives. It is the best-case, and least-likely, scenario that any one of them learned about sex, relationships and sexual identity through school-mandated sexual education or with the help of books that could be read and discussed with their parents.

The reality is this: At some point between high school, college and young adulthood, most everyone will be confronted with a situation related to sex and sexuality. “I didn’t know anything about myself. […] I was so unprepared and, now as an adult I see that I was left very vulnerable. I didn’t fully understand consent, I didn’t fully understand boundaries, I didn’t understand that I could say no to things,” explains Dawson in an interview on the Velshi Banned Book Club.

Relationships can be the most beautiful and rewarding part of life, and they can also be the most damaging, physically and emotionally. By prohibiting access to valuable resources like “This Book is Gay,” we are leaving already vulnerable LGBTQ+ young adults with nowhere to turn.

Sending our young people, regardless of sexual orientation, into the world without a comprehensive understanding of how to prevent sexually transmitted infections or pregnancy is a huge problem. Sending our young people into the world without a conversation about what respect looks like within a relationship is a major issue. Sending our young people into the world without a conversation about who exactly they are is nothing short of a crisis.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to boost your libido if you’re taking antidepressants

— Trust us, it’s not gone forever

BY Holly Berckelman

If you take antidepressants and have found your libido’s dropped off a cliff, fear not, there are GP-approved steps you can take to bring it back.

There’s a lot of stigma around antidepressants

Due to the formerly hush-hush nature of mental illness and misconceptions spread in pop culture (hi, Stepford Wives), there’s a huge amount of misinformation that’s still present in the social conscience.

In reality, for people struggling with mental illness, particularly anxiety and depression, antidepressants medication can be life-changing. They can assist with levelling out severe peaks and troughs and bring an overwhelming sense of relief to the person taking the meds, in turn giving them the chance to work on their mental health in other ways.

Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are one of the most common forms of antidepressants and work by slowing the rate at which the central nervous symptom reuptakes the natural serotonin produced by the body. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter attributed to happiness.

However, as with all medications, there can be side effects, one being a loss of libido.

According to Cindy Meston, a clinical psychologist and sexual psychophysiology researcher in the United States, it’s the unwanted effect women report most often.

“They don’t feel like having sex, or when they have sex, they’re just not into it,” Meston tells Goop. “And many also report an inability to attain orgasm.”

A study published in The Mental Health Clinician (MHC), a peer-reviewed, bimonthly, clinical practice journal, hypothesised that the side effects of SSRIs are attributed to the increase of serotonin in other areas of the body, and may affect “other hormones and neurotransmitters, such as testosterone and dopamine.”

“This may lead to side effects of sexual dysfunction, as testosterone may affect sexual arousal and dopamine plays a role in achieving orgasm.”

Other research shows that SSRIs “impact many key neurotransmitters (like serotonin, dopamine, histamine, and acetylcholine) and decrease the activation of the sympathetic nervous system, which alters a woman’s libido.”

Aside from the scientific specifics, an unexpected loss of libido can be difficult for couples and individuals to manage.

General Practitioner (GP) Dr Sam Saling says “For those partnered up, it can cause relationship difficulties, which has a whole heap of consequences especially if there is a mismatch between each person’s sexual drive.”

Meanwhile for people who are single, “Lowered libido can still have a great effect on self-esteem, one’s interpersonal relationship endeavours, and one’s social life.”

“For both men and women, lowered libido can have absolutely no physical and mental effects, or alternatively, a huge effect, depending on the person.”

Fortunately, there are a number of ways you can work to boost your libido if it’s dropped off a cliff since you started taking antidepressants. We asked Dr Saling for her tips on getting to the bottom of a low libido, and the best ways to boost it back up.

First, look for other causes

Dr Saling says before you look to blame the antidepressants, it’s important to look for the true cause of the feeling.

“Low libido in itself is often a symptom of an untreated mood disorder,” she tells Body+Soul. “So, often the low libido that follows the commencement of an antidepressant is actually a sign of a pre-existing illness, not a side effect of the medication.”

If you’re experiencing low libido in the first half-year after commencing medication, this is particularly true, as “It can take six months or more to start seeing the full effect of an antidepressant.”

Another common side effect of antidepressants is increased sleepiness in the short term, which Dr Saling says “can definitely lower libido just due to someone’s increased desire to sleep over other activities in bed.”

Once short-term symptoms have alleviated, and the antidepressant is working in terms of abating mood symptoms, libido may also increase.

However, if after several months libido has lessened significantly, then it could be related to the antidepressants itself (rather than mood or the desire to sleep), as “low libido is a known side effect of many of these medications,” says Dr Saling.

Then, speak to your GP

If you’re suffering from a low libido, the first port of call is your GP.

“Your GP will take a detailed history and this will indicate to us what is the likely cause,” says Dr Saling. “New mood disorder medications, or an increased dose, is a clear cause.”

If it is related to the antidepressants, “Often all it requires is a dose tweaking or a different medication type,” says Dr Saling, “Sometimes, we recommend psychological counselling and lifestyle interventions.”

There are many causes of low libido including, Dr Saling tells Body+Soul, including “vascular issues, hormonal changes, and many more contributing medical conditions. Social circumstances, financial pressures, relationship difficulties and work stress” can also contribute.

If you’re suffering with low libido, your GP is the very best person you can speak to to figure it out, regardless of the cause.

How to boost libido if your antidepressants is the cause

#1. Exercise right before sex

According to Meston’s research, having sex within 30 minutes of a moderate workout significantly increased sexual desire in women taking antidepressants. ]

“We know that exercise has a lot of chronic benefits for health and sexuality—you have more energy, better sleep, enhanced body image, decreased stress,” Meston told Goop. “But in this case, we found that, in addition, acute exercise or a single act of exercise is hugely beneficial for sexual desire.”

This may be due to activating the sympathetic nervous system, which is needed to get turned on enough to reach orgasm.

Dr Saling is also an advocate for regular exercise: “I would recommend starting with a regular exercise routine incorporating both aerobic and resistance training,” she says. “This is recommended to boost mood as well as energy levels overall.

#2. Sync sex to your medication schedule

According to Meston’s research, syncing sex with when you take your medication could also help – as if you have sex right before you take your next dose, the levels from the previous dose will be at their lowest.

There is no evidence to support this practice, but Meston tells Goop that “when levels of antidepressants are very low, their sexual side effects are likely to be low, too.”

#3. Try scheduling sex

While scheduling sex may seem daggy, it can be a great way to increase intimacy in couples, which can often be a crucial step in increasing arousal.

Setting aside time where sex does not come into the picture, along with time where sex is pre-planned can help couples bond without either party misconstruing an attempt for sex, and build anticipation for the times when sex is on the agenda.

#4. Eat a healthy diet

Taking care of your body through a nutritious diet gives you the best opportunity to let it get on with its natural processes – libido included.

“A healthy diet is essential to ensure adequate nutrition to feel one’s best,” instructs Dr Saling.

#5. Introduce sex toys

Of course, if libido has dropped to the point where you or your partner is not interested in sex at all, then that must be respected. However, if you are still keen to include sex in your relationship until low libido is resolved, you may need more stimulation to become aroused and reach orgasm.

Vibrators are a surefire way to turn things up a notch if you are experiencing decreased sensitivity, and will assist with driving blood flow into the genitals.

Dr Saling also suggests implementing regular reviews with your doctor to effectively manage the change. “Not only can we review your response to medication and make adjustments if needed, but we can also recommend non-medical interventions,” she says.

“Once we work out the cause of low libido, we can tailor the treatment plan.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The 8 Best Sex Positions for Women to Find Maximum Pleasure

— Elevate your time between the sheets with these moves designed with the female orgasm in mind.

By Shannen Zitz

If you want to make your sex dreams a reality, you’ve come to the right place. Everybody deserves to find pleasure—and with the best sex positions for women you can make sure that you (or your partner) receive just that. Since all bodies are different, it may take some trial and error to find your favorites. But these expert-approved moves are a great place to start.

Taking advantage of these types of positions is important because “certain positions are better suited to female pleasure as they enable direct or indirect stimulation of key erogenous zones like the clitoris or G-spot,” explains Aliyah Moore, Ph.D., a certified sex therapist. “Women often prefer positions that provide such stimulation to enhance their pleasure.”

In addition to trying out some new sex positions, there are a number of ways to increase female pleasure in the bedroom. Moore suggests incorporating the hands, fingers, and mouth to discover what feels good as well as trying out sex toys like vibrators and dildos. “When it comes to enhancing pleasure and achieving orgasm during sex, it’s all about experimentation and exploring different forms of stimulation,” Moore says.

So if you’re excited to change things up in the bedroom, grab your partner and try out these sexpert-recommended positions.

1. Missionary with a pillow

Whoever said missionary position was boring clearly never tried out this variation suggested by Moore. Before you begin, simply place a pillow below the woman’s hips to elevate them slightly, Moore instructs.< This simple modification allows for deeper penetration and increased clitoral stimulation. “The added support and elevation can intensify sensations and increase pleasure,” Moore explains.

2. Cowgirl

Giddy up, partner. The cowgirl position encourages friction against the clitoris, which is often key for the female orgasm. “When riding in this position, you can choose the pace, depth, and angle of penetration, which can help you find what feels best,” explains Joy Berkheimer, Ph.D., L.M.F.T., LGBTQ sexologist.

To perform the cowgirl, one partner will lie flat on their back with their legs out straight, while the other partner will sit on top of them in a straddling position, facing their head, Berkheimer explains. Then, the seated partner can insert their partner’s penis or a sex toy into their vagina.

3. Reverse Cowgirl

This take on the woman-on-top position offers the same pleasure-benefits and control as the regular cowgirl position. Set up the same way, but instead of sitting face-to-face, the partner on top will face toward their partner’s feet.

Berkheimer notes that the reverse cowgirl position offers a ton of versatility and suggests trying out the following variations:

  • Have the partner on top lean forward on their hands while bouncing their hips up and down. The partner on top can stay upright and lean on their knees, or they can grind their hips back and forth.
  • Have the partner on top lean back and support their weight with their feet and their hands stretched out behind them. They can move their body up and down or back and forth.

4. The lotus

Truly get to a deeper level with this intimate position. The lotus position “allows for intimate eye contact, deep penetration, and the opportunity for the woman to control the rhythm and depth of thrusting,” Moore explains. “The close physical connection and clitoral stimulation can enhance pleasure.”

To get into this position, begin with both partners facing one another. The penetrating partner will be seated in a cross-legged position while the other straddles her partner’s lap, wrapping her legs around their waist.

5. Doggy style

Moore and Berkheimer both suggest adding the classic doggy-style position to your list. It involves the woman on all fours, while the other partner penetrates from behind. It’s a versatile position, allowing for anal or vaginal penetration, with a penis, strap-on, finger, or other sex toy, Berkheimer explains.

“This position allows for deeper penetration and provides an opportunity to stimulate the G-spot,” Moore adds. “The angle of entry can create intense sensations, and the hands are free to explore the clitoris or other erogenous zones.”

6. Queening

If you’re looking for sex without intercourse, queening is the way to go for some oral pleasure. “This position gives direct stimulation to the clitoris and several other erogenous zones at the same time,” Berkehimer says.

In this position, the partner will lie down flat on their back while the woman places her legs around their shoulders with her vulva on their mouth. The woman on top can hover or take a seat while holding the wall or her partner’s head while receiving oral sex. Plus, this position frees up the seated partner’s hands to explore her thighs, breasts, stomach, or buttocks while performing oral sex.

7. Spooning

You and your partner might spoon while watching TV or relaxing for the night, but if you haven’t experienced the position sexually—you should. “This position offers intimacy and allows for deep penetration while providing a sense of comfort and relaxation,” Moore explains. “The woman can control the pressure and angle of penetration by adjusting the position of her legs.”

The position involves both partners lying on their sides, with the penetrating partner positioned behind. The penetrating partner simply performs thrusting movements and can even reach around to stimulate the clitoris or breasts for added pleasure, Moore says.

8. Butterfly

The butterfly position is similar to missionary but with a few fun twists. It allows for (you guessed it) deep penetration, and is perfect for cervical and clitoral stimulation, according to Moore. “The angle of entry and the pressure against the pubic bone can contribute to intense pleasure,” adds Moore.

To get into the position, the woman lies down on her back, on a bed or table, with her hips at the edge. The penetrating partner will stand at the end of the surface being used facing the woman, entering under their legs from a standing position.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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So, You Want To Open Your Monogamous Relationship?

— Here’s Where To Start

By Eliza Dumais

We’re a post-monogamy generation in more ways than one: Our fridges house anywhere from two to 16 varieties of “milk.” We select television programs from 11 competing streaming services. Come dinner time, we opt between hundreds of regional cuisines, all available to us within minutes. We’re spoiled for choice, so to speak, and that ethos extends to our romantic proclivities, as well — which is to say, we’re living in the era of the open relationship.

“Sexuality operates in a part of the brain closer to thirst and hunger. It’s primal. It’s not always logical,” says Dr. Helen E. Fisher, PhD, biological anthropologist, human sexuality expert, and senior research fellow at The Kinsey Institute. “And open relationships allow for transparency and exploration around that urge without sacrificing your pair bond.”

Nevertheless, for a demographic largely brought up around “pair bonding” culture — blame reproductive instincts and social conditioning — non-monogamy is not an easy practice for many of us to adopt. “A great relationship takes more than attraction — it takes shared commitment and work. And all parties have to be willing to put in the effort,” says Sara C. Flowers, DrPH, vice president of education & training at Planned Parenthood Federation of America.

It’s for this reason that, in spite of its more recent popularity, non-monogamy is still in its beta phase. So, in order to help alleviate some of the uncharted anxieties that accompany redefining the nature of your partnership, we’ve built out a primer to add to the ethical non-monogamy oeuvre. Ahead, we’ve consulted sexual health counselors, relationship psychologists, and folks in successful non-monogamous partnerships to help assemble a beginner’s guide to practicing non-monogamy — without sacrificing your romantic well-being in the process. Here’s where to start.

Broach the topic in a safe, comfortable space

Perhaps this goes without saying, but a prix fixe meal out on the town may not be the ideal setting for an initial conversation about the terms of your monogamy. It’s entirely possible that your partner may need space to think, to react, to emote. They may need to cry, to yell, to take a moment away from you in order to gather their thoughts. So be sure to choose a setting that’ll allow them the freedom to indulge that.

“Maybe you write your partner a really long email so they have time to chew it all over on their time before you discuss,” suggests Dr. Fisher. “Maybe you address the matter at home. If you have kids, maybe you make sure they’re off with a babysitter.” You know your partner. You know the ways they process, so make your arrangements accordingly. If this is going to work, it’s going to require a lot of difficult communication, so make sure you’re starting out on the right foot.

“If you’re bringing this up out of the blue, it’s also important to make sure your partner knows that you really care for them and that you’re not abandoning them,” Dr. Fisher adds. “This is not the first step out of the relationship, it’s a way of bolstering a partnership you still want to prioritize.” Simply put, you’re not asking to be single — you’re looking to test out modes of exploration that’ll (theoretically) help you continue to choose your primary partner every day.

Make sure both parties are properly on board

“In the long run, this is not going to work unless both people actually want to do it,” says Dr. Fisher. “So, the first thing you have to do once you’ve started the discussion is figure out whether your partner really wants to give this a shot, or whether they’re just trying to please you, because if they’re compromising for your sake, it’s going to fail.”

As she explains it, human beings are not animals that share well. Sure, we all tend to experience varying levels of jealousy — perhaps innately, perhaps based on previous relationship or family trauma — and given that human beings have been practicing forms of monogamy for reproductive sake for years, it’s inevitable that unlearning that mode of loving is hard. You have to respect that it won’t appeal to everyone, that it may even be offensive to some.

“Consent, in the context of non-monogamy, means being clear with your partner(s) about what you want, and where your boundaries are,” adds Dr. Flowers. “Consent should always be Freely Given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific (FRIES). In practice, that means everyone involved must genuinely want to be in an open relationship. They should know exactly what they’re getting into, and they should understand that they can change their mind if things feel uncomfortable.” That said, people are not static. Part of upholding the contract of consent requires checking in with your partner frequently and re-establishing the baseline of your arrangement.

Outline the terms of your agreement

There is no one-size-fits-all approach to non-monogamy — which is to say, you’ll need to define all the terms of your particular agreement together. Are you interested in having romantic relationships with secondary partners or is the arrangement purely sexual? As a couple, do you want to tell your friends about the arrangement? Your children? Are folks in your immediate circle off limits? Are you allowed to bring new partners home? How much will you share with one another regarding your exploits?

“‘Rules’ is a big word, but there are definitely considerations we take for each other,” says Jackson*, 24, who has been in a non-monogamous relationship for nearly four years. “One major consideration is sharing the experiences we have outside of the relationship with each other. If there’s nothing hidden, the waters are less murky. And it can be fun and even erotic to share stories of our outside entanglements with one another.”

Of course, it’s likely that your terms will change as your experience unfolds in actuality, rather than in theory. Dr. Fisher even suggests outlining your agreement on paper, so you’re able to revisit your “contract” at will. “I’ve worked with clients who prefer swinging because you’re always engaging with secondary partners together,” says Dr. Fisher. “And for other people, it’s all about determining whose money you spend on dates, or which nights are off limits for secondary partners, or what spaces, beds, restaurants, cities are primary partner territory, only.”

No two non-monogamy agreements are exactly alike — and that’s why it’s important to give this stage the proper time to breathe. Go back and forth, consult friends about their experiences, read internet forums, watch documentaries, open your brain up to the absolutely limitless quantity of potential approaches to this breed of intimacy. “Folks will rarely tell you about the inordinate amount of time it takes to discuss all this — be prepared, come at it with endurance, leave no stone unturned,” adds Dr. Fisher.

Prioritize your sexual health

Unlike with being single, exploring your sexuality while maintaining a primary partnership means that one person’s actions can affect both parties’ sexual health. You’ll need to agree on your stances on contraceptives, birth control, regular STI tests, and plenty of other issues regarding your collective sexual well-being.

“Communication, empathy, and safer sex practices are important in any romantic relationship,” says Dr. Flowers. “All parties have to be willing to put in the effort. Have open and honest conversations about sex. Take care of your sexual health. Talk to your partner about how you’re going to protect each other against infections and unintended pregnancy. Get tested for STIs regularly.” Ensure that you and your partner have aligned on your policies re: condoms and other forms of birth control. Maintain standing appointments to get tested. Make sure you’re prioritizing one another’s health, even while exploring your sexuality.

Check in with one another regularly

“For us, the rules are always evolving. I think that’s one of the biggest challenges for me in being non-monogamous,” says Rachel*, 31 who has been in an open relationship with her girlfriend for three years. “Knowing that what felt okay last week might not work this week, and having the confidence to advocate for yourself and being able to listen to what your partner needs are all things that have become huge aspects of our relationship.”

Given that the nature of the arrangement is new, it’s likely that you’ll have plenty of cause to revisit your agreement, and the ways it’s affecting you both as a couple and as individuals. After your initial discussion, Dr. Fisher recommends setting a date for regular check-ins, whether it’s a weekly touch base or something far less frequent. That way, you’ll have designated time set aside to litigate without allowing the subject of non-monogamy to leak into all other spaces in your life

Remember, while indulging in forms of secondary partnership, it’s important to make sure you’re still nourishing your primary relationship with all the affection and attention it deserves. Be it a weekly date night, regular vacations, or regular home-cooked meals, factor in time for the two of you as a couple. “Non-monogamy requires so much talking: talking about how you’re feeling, talking about how they’re feeling, talking through past events, talking through hypothetical scenarios,” adds Rachel*. “It can feel like all you do is have hard relationship conversations. It’s important to have those, but make sure you’re also just shooting the shit and getting to enjoy each other.”

Give yourselves an exit strategy

In exploring the thresholds of non-monogamy with your partner, you do indeed run the risk of one or both of you determining that an open relationship simply isn’t working — or at the very least, isn’t serving the sanctity of the primary partnership. And according to Dr. Fisher, if you decide to end the arrangement, you need to decide as a couple. “You need to commit, together, to going back to a pair bond,” she says. “And that means also communicating with any other secondary partners in your life that you’re refocusing on your primary partner, and your outside relationships will need to come to a close.”

If you and your partner are on different pages about closing your relationship, it’s a hard topic to broach, so you’ll need to put some tools in place to make sure you both have the freedom to tap out, whether that’s a timeline on attempting non-monogamy before making a decision together, or a safe word, or a promise to consult an expert to help you facilitate the transition. Utilize resources like your local Planned Parenthood chapter to help navigate obstacles when you feel you’re out of your depth.

Moreover, for couples reinstating monogamy, Dr. Fisher advises steering away from language around “going back.” Partnership is about moving forward. Regression is not an option. Instead, you’ll want to set a precedent for new ways of nourishing your pair bond. “Novelty drives up the dopamine system in the brain, and it can trigger feelings of romantic love or help sustain them,” she explains. “So be honest with your partner about things that make you feel complacent. Talk about ways of injecting your relationship with novelty that don’t include other partners. Continue to build a new partnership with this person you love.”

* Names have been changed to protect the identity of the speaker

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Defining Sexuality Later In Life

— Sexuality is a fundamental part of who we are, and examining our desires and needs is fundamental at every age

By G Stone

When and where did you learn about sexuality, and how have your beliefs about sexuality changed since then? I love asking this question. Why? Because growing up, sex and sexuality weren’t openly discussed in many households, including mine.

“Our sexuality sits at the core of who we are as human beings and influences our self-esteem, confidence, belief systems, how we show up in the world and so much more.”

Sexuality is a complex and multi-layered component of our human identity that surpasses physical intimacy and sexual acts.

Questions like this offer insight into our history, culture, upbringing, beliefs, life experiences and present awareness. They challenge us to reflect on our sexual beginnings and examine how things have evolved.

For most of my life, sex and sexuality were the same. Today, I know that sexuality is far more expansive than who we sleep with. Our sexuality sits at the core of who we are as human beings and influences our self-esteem, confidence, belief systems, how we show up in the world and so much more.

Sexuality is a complex and multi-layered component of our human identity that surpasses physical intimacy and sexual acts. It’s a personal journey, sometimes a nuanced experience and often something we don’t understand until much later in life.

As we get older, we seek more profound levels of closeness and connection.

Sexuality Beyond Sex

In understanding your sexuality beyond the idea of physical intimacy and sexual acts, let’s think about the six following aspects:

1. Sexual Self: Who are you as a sexual being at this stage of your life?

This includes your biology, anatomy, ability to engage in specific sexual behaviors, identity, desires, preferences, interests and kinks, etc. All of these things add shape and dimension to your sexuality.

2. Emotional Intimacy: Which sexual identity(s) or gender(s)?

As we get older, we seek more profound levels of closeness and connection. Our sexuality offers information about who we choose to be vulnerable to with regard to sharing our thoughts, emotions, compassion and support.

3. Mental: Who are you, and how do you see and feel about yourself?

Your sexuality, personality, values, beliefs, confidence and self-esteem are pieces of your most authentic self. They influence your mental health, overall well-being, relationship with yourself and ability to engage and interact with others.

4. Romantic Attraction: Who’s the partner for you?

Your sexuality offers information about who or what types of humans with whom you experience intense feelings, longing for affection, emotional connection, willingness to commit and desire for a future together.

5. Social and Cultural Norms: What will people think?

We may not want to admit it, but most of us struggle with navigating what other people think – even in a small way. The opinions of friends, loved ones, neighbors, media and the world around us play a significant role in our behaviors, decision-making and, ultimately, our ability to live authentically.

6. Aesthetic Attraction: What’s your type?

Aesthetic attraction is different from sexual attraction. Aesthetic attraction is being attracted to or drawn in by someone’s physical appearance. 

It includes physical features and appreciation of their beauty, style, figure and facial features. Unlike sexual attraction, these characteristics may or may not incite sexual desire.

These six components are part of our sexuality. They are unique to each individual and may change at any point during one’s life. Our sexuality and who we are sexually play a significant role in how we feel about ourselves. It also informs how we feel about our relationships and, ultimately, our ability to achieve happiness.

It’s a good practice to review these areas at different stages of our lives to cultivate a deeper sense of self-awareness and evaluate alignment within ourselves and with others.

Understanding and Exploration

Who am I sexually, and what does that mean? Our ability to understand, accept and embrace ourselves impacts our capacity to live happier, healthier and more fulfilling lives.

Sexuality is a fundamental part of who we are, and examining our desires, boundaries, interests, and needs becomes more important as we progress through life. For many, age can be a catalyst for comfort in being one’s most authentic self.

It can create the time and space to work on things like:

For many, age can be a catalyst for comfort in being one’s most authentic self.

  • Personal growth and making better decisions
  • Engaging in activities that are more aligned with our interests
  • Focusing on things that bring us joy and fulfillment
  • Prioritizing our health
  • Retirement or career changes
  • Spending time with family and friends

All these things help us acquire a deeper understanding and a greater sense of self and self-awareness. We can find acceptance in embracing our most authentic selves and, in turn, expand our capacity for happiness and having a pleasurable life.

Age also brings physical, mental, emotional and sexual changes, and many of these changes aren’t within our control. With this in mind, it’s essential to approach these changes with compassion and grace instead of shame, blame or judgment.

It may be helpful to have an open mind and explore new experiences as our minds, bodies and desires may call for different things later in life. Exploration can be both solo and shared experiences not limited to sex. 

It can be an exciting process to assess our sexual preferences, determine who we want to explore with, engage in various forms of intimacy (physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual and experiential), practice open and honest communication about needs, identify challenges, desires and pleasure, and experiment with different mental and physical stimulation forms. 

In addition, we can use exploration as an opportunity to discover what feels right for us and hone in on the unique and personal aspects of our sexual self at our current stage of life and beyond.

Cultivating a healthy and fulfilling relationship with our sexual self is a lifelong process essential to our overall well-being. It’s best to approach this process with an open and curious mind and seek support from professionals, health care providers, therapists and other support systems if and when needed.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Best sex advice of 2023

— So far

From lasting longer in bed to our top orgasm tip.

BY Anna Iovine 

In a time where sex education isn’t mandated in many parts of the country (and the world), it’s no surprise that we don’t know where to turn for sex advice. Sex educators are often pushed off social media platforms, letting online misinformation fester.

Thankfully, here at Mashable, we pride ourselves in providing evidence-based, inclusive advice that you won’t get in school — or by watching porn, for that matter.

Here are 6 pieces of the best sex advice of 2023 (so far).

Set your boundaries

Whether you’re with a new or longtime partner, setting sexual boundaries is a must. That doesn’t mean it’s easy, though; communicating about sex can be difficult when we’re not used to it. You don’t have to rush into it, though. In fact, the first step is to figure out what your boundaries are, and only you alone can do that.

Once you know what you do and don’t want in bed, set the scene for the sensitive conversation. Set a time and private place for it. Then, use “I” statements, like “I don’t like to be touched there.” Check out our guide to setting sexual boundaries for more in-depth tips.

Why can I orgasm from masturbation, but not sex?

If you can cum on your own but not with your partner, you’re not alone. As experts told us, it’s understandable to orgasm freely by yourself; you’re not thinking about your performance, how you look, or focusing on your partner’s pleasure instead of your own. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible to orgasm in partnered sex, though! Some tips are to try mutual masturbation, incorporate sex toys, and focus on exploring your own body.

Top orgasm tip

If the above tips aren’t working, maybe consider the most important ingredient to achieve orgasm: emotional safety. As sex and relationship therapist Lena Elkhatib said, “Having an orgasm requires us to be able to [be] present with the sensation of pleasure in our body and relaxed enough to allow ourselves the release at climax.” This can’t happen if we feel unsafe, which can be caused by a variety of issues, from trauma to a judgmental partner. Our brains are the biggest sex organ, so whatever’s going on “up here” will impact “down there.”

How can I last longer in bed?

Our society is obsessed with lasting longer in bed — when the reality is the average time between getting an erection and orgasming is 5-7 minutes. Still, there are expert-approved ways to take your time, including edging, and taking penetration out of the equation entirely. But remember that lasting longer doesn’t necessarily mean your partner wants to be penetrated the entire time! There are other ways both partners can pleasure each other, penetration or not.

I want to try kink…

Want to dive into Dom/sub dynamics but don’t know where to start? Look no further than our guide, which goes over the basics of what Dom/sub dynamics actually are, different ways it could play out, how to establish boundaries, and the importance of aftercare. If your knowledge of BDSM comes from TV or movies, know that there’s a lot more to explore and a lot of knowledge to learn. In fact, don’t dive into a D/s dynamic before reading up about it. And, as always: the key word is “consent.”

How to have sober sex

We’re rounding out the best sex advice of the first half of 2023 with a breakdown of how to have sex sober. For anyone who has mostly done it under the influence, sober sex can feel daunting — and that’s okay. Sex is a vulnerable act, and you may be used to dulling your senses with substances. We asked the experts for tips on how to go to into sex clear-headed, and you might even find the benefits of stone-cold sober sex — like feeling more sensations.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Different Colours of Love

— A Comprehensive Guide to Understanding All LGBTQIA+ Terms

By Prakriti Bhat

As kids we’re always taught the world is black and white. There are men and women. Certain characteristics make men masculine and women feminine. There are no in-betweens.

It couldn’t be further from the truth.

Between these black-and-white boundaries lies a whole other colourful world. Men who love men, women who love women, men who love both men and women — the list goes on. While queer rights may have been taken lightly a few decades ago, there’s a lot more awareness around the LGBTQIA community today.

Even those who don’t fully understand the meaning of LGBTQIA+ or the fluidity of gender are willing to learn and educate themselves.

Influencer Tejshwar Sandhoo posing in rainbow coloured T-shirt

The LGBTQIA+ community encompasses diverse sexual orientations and gender identities, fostering a rich tapestry of love and individuality. As society progresses towards greater acceptance and inclusivity, it becomes essential to understand the various terms and orientations within the LGBTQIA+ spectrum.

Here’s everything you need to know about sexual orientations within the LGBTQIA+ community.

What Is The Full Form Of LGBTQIA+?

Influencer Tejshwar Sandhoo posing in rainbow coloured T-shirt

LGBTQIA+ is an acronym built up from the following words:

L- Lesbian
G- Gay
B- Bisexual
T- Transgender
I- Intersex
A- Asexual
+ – Holds space for expanding and understanding different parts of the very diverse gender and sexual identities.

Now, let us delve into the meanings and nuances of different sexual orientations, shedding light on the beautiful diversity of love.

1. Lesbians

Influencer Tejshwar Sandhoo posing in rainbow coloured T-shirt

Lesbians are women who are emotionally, romantically, or sexually attracted to other women. Lesbian individuals face unique challenges and experiences, from societal stigmatisation to the struggle for recognition and acceptance. Despite these obstacles, lesbian individuals have made significant contributions to art, culture, and activism, enriching the LGBTQIA+ community and inspiring others to embrace their authentic selves.

Films like Badhaai Do and Ek Ladki Ko Dekha Toh Aisa Laga are great examples of cinema depicting lesbian relationships truthfully.

2. Gay

Influencer Tejshwar Sandhoo posing in rainbow coloured T-shirt ©

Gay relationships are those where men are emotionally, romantically, or sexually attracted to other men. This sexual orientation has been widely recognised and celebrated in pop culture and cinema in recent years. Gay individuals have played a pivotal role in shaping the fight for LGBTQIA+ rights, pushing for greater acceptance, and challenging societal norms. Their experiences, struggles, and triumphs serve as a testament to the strength and resilience of the LGBTQIA+ community.

Films like Aligarh, Kapoor & Sons, and Shubh Mangal Zyada Saavdhan are some of the best examples of Bollywood portraying gay relationships beautifully.

3. Bisexuals

Influencer Tejshwar Sandhoo posing in rainbow coloured T-shirt

Bisexuality refers to individuals who are attracted to both their own gender and other genders. Bisexual individuals experience a spectrum of attractions, embracing the potential for emotional and romantic connections with people of various gender identities. Bisexuality challenges the traditional binary understanding of sexuality, recognising the fluidity and complexity of human desire.

They also face some unique challenges, such as biphobia and erasure, as their experiences often intersect with stereotypes and misconceptions. Understanding and embracing bisexuality is crucial in fostering a more inclusive and supportive environment for all members of the LGBTQIA+ community.

4. Transgender

Influencer Tejshwar Sandhoo posing in rainbow coloured T-shirt

Just to be clear, transgender is a gender identity and has nothing to do with one’s sexual orientation. Transgender individuals do not identify with the gender assigned to them at birth. They may undergo gender-affirming processes, such as hormone therapy or gender confirmation surgery, to align their physical appearance with their gender identity.

They face significant challenges, including discrimination, lack of healthcare access, and societal misunderstanding. Their sexual orientation is as fluid as the rest of the queer community. They could be attracted to men, women or other trans people. Vani Kapoor played a trans character opposite Ayushmann Khurrana in Chandigarh Kare Aashiqui in one of the few honest portrayals of the trans community.

5. Queer

Influencer Tejshwar Sandhoo posing in rainbow coloured T-shirt

Queer is an umbrella term that encompasses individuals who do not conform to traditional sexual orientations or gender identities. It serves as an inclusive label for those who feel their experiences fall outside the boundaries of heterosexual or cisgender identities. Queer individuals challenge societal norms and embrace their authentic selves, contributing to the diverse fabric of the LGBTQIA+ community.

6. Intersex

Influencer Tejshwar Sandhoo posing in rainbow coloured T-shirt

Intersex is an umbrella term used to describe individuals who are born with biological sex characteristics that do not fit typical male or female categories. Intersex variations can manifest in various ways, such as chromosomal, hormonal or anatomical differences.

Intersex individuals have diverse experiences and identities and it is essential to respect their autonomy and self-identification. The intersex community advocates for recognition, medical human rights, and an end to unnecessary and non-consensual medical interventions.

7. Asexual

Influencer Tejshwar Sandhoo posing in rainbow coloured T-shirt

Asexual individuals experience little to no sexual attraction towards others. Asexuality is a valid and natural orientation within the LGBTQIA+ spectrum, highlighting the wide range of human experiences and desires.

Asexual individuals may still form deep emotional connections, experience romantic attraction, and engage in fulfilling relationships without sexual components. Understanding and respecting asexuality is vital in creating an inclusive environment that values diverse forms of love and companionship.

Influencer Tejshwar Sandhoo posing in rainbow coloured T-shirt

It is crucial for us to continue educating ourselves and fostering inclusivity in order to create a world where everyone feels safe, supported, and celebrated for who they are. From understanding the meaning of LGBTQIA+ to delving into the intricacies of different sexual orientations and gender identities, it’s a constant learning process we need to be actively involved in.

The LGBTQIA+ community encompasses a beautiful tapestry of different sexual orientations and gender identities, each deserving of understanding, acceptance and respect.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is Gender-Affirming Care?

By Mira Miller

  • Gender-affirming generally refers to the medical, psychological, and social support provided to individuals who are transgender, non-binary, or gender expansive. to help align their gender identity with their outward appearance and improve their overall well-being.
  • This type of care can include socially transitioning by changing one’s name, pronouns or way of presenting; puberty blockers; gender-affirming hormone therapy; and gender-affirming surgeries.
  • At least 30 states have introduced or are considering laws that restrict access to gender-affirming care.

Gender-affirming care has been the subject of much debate in legislatures around the country in recent months, leading to countless misconceptions and myths about what it actually entails and who it’s for.< According to a report from The Williams Institute, 30 states had introduced or were considering laws to restrict access to gender-affirming care as of March 2023. The result is 146,300 transgender youth who have lost or are at risk of losing access to gender-affirming care. Several bans proposed in 2023 would also limit access to care for those up to age 26.

While misinformation on the subject abounds, it’s important to get the facts straight: Gender-affirming care is considered safe, effective, and medically necessary by the American Medical Association, the American Academy of Pediatrics, and the Endocrine Society.

“Gender-affirming care is considered life-saving,” said Rebecca Minor, MSW, LICSW, a gender specialist and therapist who provides gender-affirming care. “It plays a crucial role in improving the mental health, well-being, and overall quality of life for transgender, non-binary, and gender diverse individuals.”

What Does Gender-Affirming Care Involve?

Gender-affirming care refers to medical, psychological, and social support provided to individuals who are transgender, non-binary, or gender expansive, Minor explained. The goal of gender-affirming care is to assist individuals in aligning their sense of self with their outward appearance and to improve their overall well-being.

“Gender-affirming care means different things for different people,” Uri Belkind, MD, a pediatric medicine specialist who works in adolescent medicine at the New York-based LGBTQ+ health center Callen-Lorde, told Verywell. “It is not a specific process, but rather a collection of tools from which we can select to better fit the individual’s goals and needs.”

One aspect of gender-affirming care requires no medical intervention but instead involves transitioning socially. This may include changing one’s name and pronouns, and dressing or presenting in a way that affirms their gender identity, according to Sean Arayasirikul, PhD, an associate professor in residence of health, society, and behavior at the University of California, Irvine.

Beyond socially transitioning, there are three general medical options available when it comes to gender-affirming care, Belkind said, adding that some people may want or need all of them, while some may find happiness and well-being with only some. These include puberty blockers, gender-affirming hormone therapy, and gender-affirming procedures.

Puberty blockers are for younger patients who are entering puberty and are finding the changes their bodies are going through to be distressing. To access this kind of care, these patients must have shown insistent, persistent, and consistent identification with a gender that is different than their sex assigned at birth.

“This allows us to temporarily ‘pause’ these changes while the young person, with support from their family, further explores their needs and gains a better understanding of what is possible, medically speaking, and what it entails,” Belkind said.

Gender-affirming hormone therapy, on the other hand, refers to the process of using either estrogen or testosterone to promote certain physical changes and to inhibit others, Belkind said.

Gender-affirming procedures, both surgical and non-surgical, change certain physical characteristics that may not otherwise be modified with the use of hormone therapy. Belkind said these may include chest masculinization, facial feminization, permanent hair removal or hair grafting, and genital surgeries such as vaginoplasty or phalloplasty.

“One common misconception is that gender-affirming procedures are regulated only for trans and gender expansive people and that these procedures are experimental, lacking solid medical evidence,” Arayasirikul said.

In reality, cisgender people—or people who are not trans—also choose to undergo gender-affirming procedures to affirm their identity, Arayasirikul explained. This may include a breast augmentation, a mastectomy for gynecomastia, a hair transplant, a rhinoplasty, liposuction, facial fillers, or hormone therapy.

“These procedures and so many more are part of the health care of cisgender people,” Arayasirikul said. “Yet this same care is actively being criminalized for trans and gender-expansive people solely because they are different.”

Can People of All Ages Receive Gender-Affirming Care?

In states where gender-affirming care is not criminalized, trans youth can access puberty blockers to delay the onset of puberty and cross-sex hormones to develop their bodies in ways that align with their gender identity.

“Typically, gender-affirming surgeries are utilized by adults, not children,” Arayasirikul said.

And yet, much of the uproar surrounding gender-affirming care in the U.S. has been surrounding the subject of children undergoing surgery.

According to Belkind, some patients choose to start puberty blockers once puberty begins, while other patients may only begin to seek medical advice after puberty or much later into adulthood.

“It is important to note that, for children who strongly identify with a gender identity that is different from their sex assigned at birth, there are no medical interventions needed before puberty begins and only then do we consider the use of puberty blockers, if needed,” Belkind said.

Medical interventions always happen after a thorough evaluation of the patient’s needs, Belkind added.

Why Gender-Affirming Care Is Necessary

Gender-affirming care helps to reduce gender dysphoria, which is the distress an individual may experience when their gender identity does not align with their assigned sex at birth, Minor said.< “Gender-affirming care, such as hormone therapy or gender-affirming surgeries, can help alleviate gender dysphoria by allowing individuals to align their physical appearance with their gender identity” she said. “This reduction in distress and discomfort can have a significant positive impact on mental health and overall well-being.” Trans and gender-diverse individuals often face higher rates of mental health challenges, including depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation.1 Gender-affirming care, combined with mental health support, can help reduce these risks by providing individuals with the tools, resources, and interventions needed to alleviate distress and promote a positive self-image, Minor said.

According to one recent study, providing trans and non-binary youths aged 13 to 20 years with gender-affirming care, including puberty blockers and gender-affirming hormones, lowered their risk of developing moderate or severe depression by 60% and lowered suicidality by 73% over a 12-month follow-up.2

Another study found that gender-affirming surgeries were associated with a 42% reduction in psychological distress and a 44% reduction in suicidal ideation when compared with transgender and gender-diverse people who had not had gender-affirming surgery but wanted it.3

“Gender-affirming care allows individuals to express their gender identity authentically, promoting self-acceptance and improved self-esteem,” Minor said. “By aligning their physical appearance, social interactions, and personal identity, individuals can develop a stronger sense of identity and self-worth, leading to improved mental health outcomes.”

Additionally, gender-affirming care often includes support groups, peer networks, and counseling services that provide a safe and inclusive environment for individuals to connect, share experiences, and receive emotional support, Minor said. These social support systems, she said, are critical in combating feelings of isolation and promoting healthy relationships.

This kind of care can help combat the societal discrimination, stigma, and marginalization transgender and gender-diverse individuals often face. Minor said gender-affirming care can empower individuals to assert their rights, advocate for themselves, and challenge discriminatory practices.

“By affirming their gender identity, individuals can experience improved resilience, reduced psychological distress, and increased social acceptance,” she said.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Are You Ready to Have ‘The Big Sex Talk’ With Your Teen?

— How to ensure the young adults in your life have the sexual health information they need.

By Ella Dorval Hall

As a parent, your child’s physical and emotional safety is likely your highest priority. While sexual health is a huge component of this, many parents don’t know how to support their teen’s sexual well-being. There’s a lot of misinformation out there, and oftentimes parents don’t feel as if they have the proper support to talk to their teens about sexual health. Enter “The Big Sex Talk,” or simply “The Talk.”

For many parents and caregivers, navigating topics such as puberty, sex and romantic relationships represents an intimidating and overwhelming element of parenting.

No matter where the hesitation lies, there are experts and research that’ll help you support your teen to make informed and healthy decisions about sexual health.

Why is it so important to have “The Talk” anyway?

Young people need accurate information about sex, whether oral, anal or vaginal sex, in order to make safe, healthy and informed decisions.

Extensive research indicates young people who do not have accurate information about their sexual health are more likely to experiment with sex at younger ages than ones who do.

Even some information is better than none. When teens are able to talk with a parent or caregiver about safer sex, they are less likely to have unprotected sex.

There is a wealth of research that shows talking to your teen about sex and healthy relationships is one of the most important elements to help them make informed and healthy decisions.

However, there is an overwhelming amount of misinformation about sexuality on the internet, particularly on social media. This is something both Gabrielle S. Evans, MPH, CHES, a sexuality educator and researcher based in Houston, and Clarissa Herman, a Minnesota-based social, emotional, and sexual health educator for emerging teenagers, are well aware of.

“Talking to your teen about sex is important because without receiving information from you, it’s likely that they’ll encounter false and unsafe information about sex on social media, which can lead to making decisions that they do not understand the outcome of,” Herman explained.

“Add this to the fact that sex education in school has decreased since the 1990s, and we have a major problem,” she added. “It’s really important to talk to your teen about what is healthy, what is normal, what is safe. And what is going to happen when they don’t have good reliable sources for that information in their schools like they used to, or from their care providers? Their main source is social media.”

In addition, having conversations with your teen about sexual contact shows them you are a trusted person they can come to, Evans noted.

“Research has been telling us for decades that teens prefer to get information about sex from their parents and other trusted adults in their lives,” said Erica M. Butler, M.Ed., founder of Happ E. SexTalk, LLC in Columbus, Ohio, and creator of HAPPERMATIONS, sex-positive affirmation cards for toddlers. “The disconnect is that parents don’t know how to talk about it (or don’t want to) and teens definitely don’t know how to bring it up without feeling like they’ll get in trouble.”

How do you prepare to have ‘The Talk?’

If you’re at a loss for words, you’re not alone. Talking about sex can prove challenging, uncomfortable and overwhelming. When many parents today recall if they received accurate and adequate information about sex and healthy relationships from their own parents as a teen, the overwhelming response is: no.

It can be hard to know how to handle these conversations when you have no personal experience with your own parents or caregivers. And it can also be difficult if your own discomfort about sex is because it was ignored or not treated respectfully in your household growing up.

We asked experts how parents can best prepare to have “The Talk” with their teens:

1. Start with yourself

“I always tell parents to start with themselves,” said Rosalia Rivera, a consent educator and child sexual abuse prevention specialist in Canada. “I encourage them to reflect and journal on their own beliefs, values and ideas about sex and relationships.”

Butler said parents need to think back to their years as a teen and how topics connected to sex were addressed in their family.

“Did they feel supported or like they could ask questions openly? How did that make them feel and how would they want to change that for their teen?” Butler said. “The more we can unlearn our own shame and guilt through our experiences, the better equipped we’ll be to have these conversations with our kids.”

2. Do the research

“Parents and caregivers can prepare themselves for this conversation by first making sure the information they provide is accurate,” Evans said.

Having accurate information, as well as age-appropriate information, is crucial, and there are a number of ways you can ensure this.

Herman recommends starting with an internet search.

“A parent or caregiver can prepare themselves for this conversation by doing the ‘poking around’ on the internet that their teenager can’t do,” Herman said. “Teenagers don’t know how to sift through good information or bad information. So a parent or caregiver can hop [online] and do this for them.”

3. Find additional resources

In addition to finding accurate, age-appropriate information on the internet, there are several organizations and adolescent sexual health professionals who have resources designed specifically to help parents and caregivers talk with their teens about sex.

Sex Positive Families, for example, offers workshops on puberty and other sexuality topics. They also have an entire library of resources that can be filtered by topic, age and type.

Amaze.org is another popular organization that provides parents with the tools and evidence-informed information they need to have conversations about sex with their teens.

Additionally, there are sexuality professionals such as Herman, Rivera and Butler, or Nadine Thornhill, Ed.D., for example, who are all specialized in helping caregivers support their teens with accurate information about sex and relationships.

4. Be willing to say ‘I don’t know’

While having accurate information to share with your teen is important, you don’t need to know everything. Before you try to learn about adolescent sexual health, remember it’s OK, and fairly important to admit when you don’t have the answer.

“Be OK with not knowing the answer to their question,” Butler said. “It’s impossible to know everything and remember you didn’t get great sex ed while growing up either, so there’s a lot we don’t know.”

Herman also stressed how important this is. If your teen asks you a question you don’t know the answer to, or you’re unsure how to explain it best, she said, “It’s OK to say, ‘I don’t know but I want to find out together.'”

5. Remember, ‘The Talk’ isn’t just one talk

While many caregivers would be relieved if just one conversation about sex and healthy relationships was enough, that’s not the case. Preparing your teen to make informed, healthy and safe decisions about sexuality and relationships takes more than a single conversation.

“People like myself who specialize in adolescent sexual health education, are really trying to move away from the entire concept of having ‘The Talk’ because having one talk is going to be uncomfortable, awkward, really weird and maybe not effective depending on the relationship they have with their kid,” Herman said.

“[Your teen] might get so dysregulated that they have to check out of the conversation. And you get so uncomfortable that nothing really happens. So people like myself, who are specialized in adolescent sex education, are really encouraging parents to start conversations early, have them often, keep them brief and keep them casual.”

For example, Herman said, you can have a brief and casual conversation by noticing something on TV or in a magazine and saying “What do you think about that?”

“Maybe you see a picture on social media of somebody wearing period underwear and you ask your kids ‘Hey, do you know about period underwear?’ or ‘What do you know about periods so far?’ and you talk for five minutes and then you move on,” Herman said.

6. Understanding ‘The Talk’ isn’t solely about sex

In addition to having more than one “talk,” it’s vital to remember these conversations aren’t just about sex. Parents and caregivers often think “The Talk” means teaching your teen strictly about STDs/STIs and pregnancy.

While these topics are important, they are small elements of what it means to provide your teen with adequate and accurate information to make healthy decisions about sex and relationships.

When parents and caregivers believe conversations are limited to just STDs/STIs and pregnancy, it can make the conversation feel even more intimidating and uncomfortable.

Prepare your teen with the information they need, which includes talking about topics such as rejection, how to understand your body boundaries and communicate them, learning what safe and unsafe touch is, puberty, breakups and internet safety.

7. Learn to stay calm

Giving your teen the information they need to succeed and create safe, healthy relationships and sexual experiences isn’t just about the facts you share, it’s also about how you share them.

“The No. 1 strategy I would recommend for a parent or caregiver preparing to have this conversation is to make sure that they themselves go into the conversation calm and regulated,” Herman said. “People are very sensitive, and kids especially are really sensitive to the energy you’re putting out.

“If you’re stressed out, if you’re radiating anger or fear, or defensiveness, they’re going to pick up on that. They’re going to start responding to that even before anyone has exchanged any words. So, do what you need to do to make sure that your body and your brain and your breath are calm before you go into that conversation.”

Go for a walk, practice deep breathing or call a friend and vent, Herman recommended. Taking an honest look at your own attitudes about sexuality, as Rivera and Butler mentioned, will help with this, too.

If you enter the conversation with your own discomfort about periods because you haven’t processed how periods were talked about in your household growing up, your teen will hear that in whatever you decide to tell them.

Take the time to journal, talk to a friend, or work with a coach or therapist. The goal is to enter conversations with your teen in a way that’s not defensive or guarded. Your script should be regulated, but allow for curious teens to ask whatever questions they have.

In fact, for some parents, it can be a relief to know the most important thing isn’t always knowing the facts or having the answer, but bringing a non-judgmental and open attitude to the conversation.

While topics like sex and relationships can be an intimidating and overwhelming element of parenting, start by taking a look at the feelings that arise for you as you’re finding the resources and information you need to feel prepared.

Your teen needs accurate information about sex and an open, non-judgmental attitude in order to make informed, safe and healthy sexual decisions. You may end up enjoying how close this process allows you to become with your teen, especially as they start to share other aspects of their lives, hoping for your input.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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When the Sex Is Good

— Ways to Avoid Unsatisfying Sex

It’s time we all elevated our sex lives to the next level.

By Ally Sweeten

You’re about to have a sexual encounter. All the elements seem to be in place, and you have high hopes. But in its aftermath, you may be forced to face an unfortunate reality.

The sex simply wasn’t very good.

Shuffling away and feeling unsatisfied or perhaps put off entirely, you can’t help but wonder how things could have gone wrong. You want to get to when the sex is good.

It’s 2023 and sex is everywhere—in advice columns, social media and woven into every aspect of our daily lives. There’s a good chance you’ll find overt or covert sexual tones in almost anything and everything. Yet despite this vast pool of information at our fingertips, people continue to have “bad” sex.

How is it possible?

Attitudes about sex over time

Over the years, societal perspectives on quality sex have undergone major generational shifts. What would have been acceptable to our grandparents may not be the case today, as society has shifted its priorities.

“Outdated beliefs would have looked at sex as a marital obligation, which does not consider pleasure and assumes sex to be more of a perfunctory role. This also continues patriarchal beliefs, which are changing,” said Lauren Muratore, an accredited sexologist and the director of Integrated Sex+Relationship Therapy in Melbourne, Australia. “A good sexual experience is also slowly shedding the social, religious, gender and media constructs that influence how people feel about their sexuality.”

She added that there is currently momentum provided by a sex-positive movement in which people are ultimately given the ability to have sex in a consenting, safe, healthy, pleasurable way whenever they feel like it. That consent education is a major shift in itself.

“What pleasure looks like can change each sexual experience; therefore, assuming consent regardless of how long you have known someone is not helpful,” she said. “Consent is sexy and having a voice to communicate sexual pleasure brings greater satisfaction.”

People need to create a safe place where all topics around sex can be exchanged positively and respectfully, according to Rebecca Alvarez Story, a sexologist and CEO/co-founder of the sexual wellness and intimate products website Bloomi.

“It’s crucial to ask for and obtain consent from your partner(s) in any sexual relationship or encounter,” she said. “Your body and sexuality belong only to you and no one else.”

Furthermore, she noted that the focus is shifting from orgasming to the giving and receiving of intimate moments and pleasure, without the pressure of reaching a climax. She believes there’s no such thing as “bad” sex because problems can be fixed with mutual communication and understanding.

Plus, there may be extenuating circumstances making sex insufficient, which have nothing to do with the actual act, such as stress, prior experiences, and cultural or religious conditioning.

“As such, ‘bad’ sex can be all situations where individuals aren’t receiving emotional or physical satisfaction, where one partner is selfish, and where there is no connection or compatibility between partners,” she explained.

Conversely, Muratore cautioned against seeing “good” sex as a one-size-fits-all approach. The spectrum of sexuality, including asexuality, is relevant.

‘Good’ and ‘bad’ sex today

Our access to sexual content has exploded, but it’s not enough to completely eradicate unsatisfying sex. A survey carried out in 2021 by OnePoll revealed 1 in 5 Americans have experienced more than 10 awful sexual encounters, and 2 in 5 have gone as far as to stop in the middle because the experience was so unpleasant. Established couples weren’t immune, either: half admitted their current partner was the worst sexual partner they’d had.

The quantity of information is part of the problem. It can be so overwhelming that people opt out of reading at all, said Debbie Rivers, a relationship coach in Australia. Instead, they learn from porn, which Rivers said is far from realistic and can warp their views on sex, particularly for men.

“Reading information is quite different from experiencing it, and people often don’t know what they don’t know, especially if they have never experienced what good sex actually is,” she said.

Acknowledging gender disparities is important, as well, as sexual encounters vary for each.

“Often, we think that people see and experience the world as we do, and that isn’t true here,” Rivers explained. “We project how we are onto other people.”

Story pointed to the changing goals of sex.

“Nowadays, sex is seen as a critical element of broader wellness and well-being, and essential for a person’s mental, emotional and physical health,” she said.

Rivers and Story agreed that the pros of a healthy sex life can:

  • Improve connections to others and lead to more intimate relationships
  • Improve self-confidence and willingness to try new sexual activities
  • Increase romantic gestures (gifts, dates, vacations, displays of affection and telling each other “I love you”)
  • Improve your immune system and lower blood pressure
  • Reduce stress, anxiety and depression

With all those benefits, finding out why you aren’t enjoying sex is worth investigating. One way to do this is through masturbation and self-exploration.

Taking the time to become familiar with your body provides a no-pressure atmosphere to discover likes and dislikes, which you can then relay to your partner. Further, self-pleasure can lead to higher self-esteem and increased libido, Story said.

Talk dirty to me

Experts noted that the process of transforming “bad” sex into “good” sex relies on interpersonal communication with your partner. The degree to which couples are comfortable sharing is subjective, and it’s never OK to assume your partner is agreeable to divulging information.

For example, Rivers wondered how you might feel if you discovered your partner was telling their friends how bad you were in bed. The odds are your reaction might be less than stellar.

“The one person that you should be talking to is your partner, as they are the only ones with the ability to change the situation. Sometimes, it can be easier to be naked than to be emotionally vulnerable,” she said.

Discuss your values and boundaries and avoid comparing yourself to others.

“Every couple has a different sex life with a different meaning, a different script and a different frequency,” Muratore explained. “Once you start comparing yourself to those around you, people often feel inadequate and it sets up false expectations for your own relationship. If you want to share how you feel, speak to a friend who can listen to your feelings with empathy, without expectations that they’ll solve your problems.”

If you feel sexually unfulfilled, speak up. Muratore, Rivers and Story all recommended waiting for the right time—namely, not before, during or after sex—to bring up the topic.

Be open and build trust slowly. Focus on the positives, such as what you like, want more of or want to try. This will allow your partner to be more receptive to hearing you out. Avoid absolutes—”you always” or “you never”—and accusations. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements.

Rivers also suggested giving a blame-free lighthearted sex review the following day.

The most important thing to remember is that it takes two to tango. After a sexual encounter, both of you should walk away feeling sexually gratified, so take the time to learn your partner’s likes and preferences, too.

“Sex is an important aspect of a relationship,” Muratore said. “However, each person’s sex needs to be considered.”

Story noted that it’s never too late to start having open conversations about sex with your partner.

“By sharing fantasies, likes, dislikes and expectations, you can learn about each other and create the best possible experience for all,” she said.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Let’s talk about sex

— And about asexuality, too

5 books explore why we don’t have to tolerate ‘bad sex,’ and what it means to have loving connections with no sex at all

By Julie Kliegman

Sex therapist Ruth Westheimer once said, when asked about the possibility of a “sex recession”: “Here is an activity that is free, here … is an activity that makes people happy, and what’s the matter with all of you not to engage in it?” Like Dr. Ruth’s dozens of books, most literature on the topic presumes that sexual attraction and desire do, in fact, exist in everyone, that sex is therefore a critical part of everyone’s life, and that there must be something wrong with people who don’t have it. Self-help resources like “The Joy of Sex,” mountains of Cosmopolitan tips and even the work of popular queer writers like Dan Savage focus on how to parlay that attraction and desire into satisfying, meaningful sex. There is something of a Freudian quality at play: the pervasive idea that sex is a critical part of fostering intimacy and personal attachment.

But for many, that’s not reality. “It’s almost like there’s a slow-moving unorganized sex strike of people who can’t find good partners or don’t desire relationships and are just opting out instead,” one 28-year-old tells Maria Yagoda in “Laid and Confused: Why We Tolerate Bad Sex and How to Stop” (St. Martin’s, $27). Yagoda’s fresh book is the latest entry in a subgenre that seeks to illuminate why people may not be enjoying the sex they’re having or, in some cases, why they might be choosing not to have sex at all.

“Laid and Confused: Why We Tolerate Bad Sex and How to Stop” by Maria Yagoda

In “Laid and Confused,” Yagoda chronicles her quest to understand why she and Americans writ large have historically consented to unsatisfying sex. It excels as creative reportage, as Yagoda — who briefly quotes me in her book as a source on asexuality — gamely chats with sex therapists and sex toy creators alike. She keeps an open mind about improvement in her own life and offers tips to readers who may be in the same boat.

Editor and sex columnist Nona Willis Aronowitz explores similar themes in her 2022 book, “Bad Sex: Truth, Pleasure, and an Unfinished Revolution” (Plume, $28), a multigenerational memoir and manifesto that weaves together her own thoughts and feelings around sex and romance with those of her late mother, the feminist writer Ellen Willis. Specifically, Aronowitz recounts her marriage and divorce, including her reluctance to break up with her husband (in part) on the basis of what she considered bad sex.

“Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex” by Angela Chen

The books of Yagoda and Aronowitz both veer far away from what is more traditionally considered “sex writing.” And three more books, all by asexual authors and published since the start of the pandemic — “Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex” by Angela Chen (Beacon, $26.95), “Refusing Compulsory Sexuality: A Black Asexual Lens on Our Sex-Obsessed Culture” by Sherronda J. Brown (North Atlantic, $17.95, paperback) and “Sounds Fake but Okay: An Asexual and Aromantic Perspective on Love, Relationships, Sex, and Pretty Much Anything Else” by Sarah Costello and Kayla Kaszyca (Jessica Kingsley, $19.95, paperback) — show that when it comes to consensual, partnered sex, voicing displeasure is slowly becoming more accepted.

In “Ace,” Chen, an acquaintance of mine in ace — short for “asexual” — circles, dives into what life is like for people who do not experience sexual attraction, but also how asexuality can be used as a framework for reevaluating all types of platonic and romantic relationships, as well as one’s sense of self. In a particularly compelling chapter, she challenges the way most people, consciously or not, arrange their lives around a hierarchy in which romantic and sexual relationships, especially marriages, are valued above all else, emotionally and legally.

Asexuality (albeit often known by other names) is not a new orientation by any stretch — in fact, evidence of people’s lack of sexual attraction goes back centuries. But in the digital era, asexuality has gained more recognition, in part because of Julie Sondra Decker’s 2014 book, “The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality” (Skyhorse, $16.99, paperback). Chen, Brown, Costello and Kaszyca all build off Decker’s resource to present a more nuanced way of thinking about sex. The proliferation of these and similar books is also a long-overdue acknowledgment by the publishing world that topics related to asexuality and the deprioritization of sex will interest asexual and allosexual readers alike.

“Bad Sex: Truth, Pleasure, and an Unfinished Revolution” by Nona Willis Aronowitz

As Brown’s title, “Refusing Compulsory Sexuality,” indicates, questioning and ultimately casting aside “compulsory sexuality” is a huge theme of their work. The term is a riff on “compulsory heterosexuality,” the idea that societal norms force a politically constructed heterosexuality on everyone from birth — those who identify as straight and those who know they don’t fit that bill. “Asexuality exists as a refusal of compulsory sexuality, in defiance of cisheteropatriarchal mandates, and as an opportunity to deeply interrogate how sexual scripts connect with and inform conceptions of gender and race,” Brown writes. Their book pays particular attention to the way Black people are cast aside or maligned in conversations about (a)sexuality, and how the very idea of sexuality in the West is interlaced with anti-Blackness and white supremacy. Most public leaders of the asexual movement are White, but there’s room aplenty within the aspec lens (aspec is short for “asexual spectrum”) to broaden our understanding of who can be ace (anyone) and who in the community faces the most oppression (Black people, especially those who are gender-nonconforming).

As Costello and Kaszyca, creators of a podcast called “Sounds Fake but Okay,” write in their conversational book of the same name, the aspec lens is in part about “decentering the romantic-sexual relationship in our broader conversations about human connection.” It considers the flaws of putting romantic and sexual attraction at the top of our collective and personal hierarchies of needs, even at the expense of biological and chosen family, platonic friendships, and self-care. The aspec lens, Costello and Kaszyca warn, can make everything seem tinged with hopelessness, but it also offers a way to see our surroundings as they can be: beyond what was dictated in sex education classes, modeled by family members or portrayed in pop culture.

By questioning why we go through the motions of sex we don’t find rewarding, we can start to demystify the grip that compulsory sexuality has over our lives. Whether or not the readers who pick up these titles are asexual, there’s a lot to be learned about the merits of taking a step back from sex to reevaluate its place on a societal — and, in many cases, a personal — pedestal.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Everything to Know About Gender-Neutral Terms and How to Use Them

— “Gender-neutral language is honestly an easy way to show respect and acceptance to everyone we come into contact with.”

By Jamie Ballard

The language we use when we’re speaking to and about people is significant. It can impact how we see others, how we see ourselves, and how people are treated in workplaces, social settings, classrooms, places of worship, and just about everywhere else. As we strive for a more inclusive world, one small thing you can do is to try practicing gender-neutral language and using gender-neutral terms.

“Gender-neutral language in and of itself is not a new concept, it has just become more of a topic of conversation as we strive to be more inclusive and accepting of all populations,” explains Jillian Amodio, social worker and founder of Moms for Mental Health.

To use gender-neutral terms is to recognize that “society has a way of gendering just about everything,” as Amodio puts it, and to find alternative ways to say or write things. For example, instead of addressing a group of people as “ladies and gentlemen,” you might try saying “everyone,” “colleagues,” “attendees,” “students,” or another term that makes sense in the context. One big reason for doing this is to ensure that non-binary or gender nonconforming people are recognized and included. You might be familiar with the idea of sharing your pronouns, and using gender neutral terms is another way to be inclusive.

Gender-neutral language can be beneficial for everyone, regardless of how they identify. Here’s everything to know about gender-neutral language and how you can incorporate it in your daily life.

gender spectrum collection using gender neutral language
Using gender neutral language is one way to ensure that everyone feels respected.

What are some examples of gendered language and some gender-neutral alternatives?

“Given that our society has for so long been built on gender norms and stereotypes, the division by gender has become ingrained in many aspects of daily living,” notes Amodio. You might find yourself assuming that a teacher, nurse, or daycare provider is female and a mechanic or construction worker is male. But obviously, that’s not always the case. One reason we might associate certain jobs as being “male” is because they often end with “-man,” such as “fireman,” “postman,” “congressman” and so forth. Instead, you could use descriptors that don’t assume gender, such as “firefighter,” “postal worker” or “mail carrier,” and “congressperson” or “member of Congress,” for example.

“When referencing someone or a group of people just ask yourself if there are words you can replace to be more inclusive,” Amodio explains.

Beyond job titles, there are other commonly-used phrases that tend to make assumptions about gender. Here are a few examples, along with gender-neutral terms you could use instead.

  • Boys and girls — instead, consider using children, kiddos, or everyone
  • Ladies and gentlemen — instead, consider using folks, everyone, students, or colleagues
  • Councilman/Councilwoman — instead, consider using councilperson
  • Husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend — instead, consider using partner, significant other, or spouse
  • Mother or father — instead, consider using parent
  • Niece or nephew — instead, consider using nibling
  • Man-made — instead, consider using artificial or machine-made
  • Pregnant woman or mother-to-be — instead consider pregnant person, expectant person, or birthing parent
  • Freshman — instead consider first-year student

To be clear, it’s not necessarily insensitive to use a gendered phrase that you feel applies to you, such as “I’m a mother of two” or “My wife and I liked that movie.” However, when you’re speaking to others, particularly in a group, it’s more inclusive to use gender-neutral phrasing like “parents” or “partners” since it doesn’t assume anyone else’s gender identity or sexuality. Plus, using gender-neutral language in reference to yourself and others can also be a way to signify that you are supportive and respectful of all identities.

Why is it important to use gender-neutral language?

“By using gender neutral language we are also not assuming that we know someone’s identity,” says Amodio. “The terms which people use to express their gender and gender identity can vary based on personal preference and what feels right to each individual. Some people are not ‘out’ publicly in terms of how they identify, and gender-neutral language is honestly an easy way to show respect and acceptance to everyone we come into contact with.”

She also notes that in some situations — such as a teacher addressing a new group of students or an employee speaking at a conference or meeting — you may not know the people you’re communicating with. In these cases, “gender-neutral language would be the best option by default,” Amodio says.

gender spectrum collection using gender neutral language
You may not always know the gender of who you are communicating with, so gender-neutral language can be the best option.

Should I say something when I hear other people using gendered language?

“We don’t have to be the language police, but if someone uses the wrong pronouns, a gentle correction is perfectly fine,” Amodio says. “If colleagues are addressing people in gendered terms, perhaps suggesting neutral terminology will be of benefit.”

What are some other ways I can support people who have diverse gender identities?

In addition to being thoughtful about the way you speak and write, there are plenty of meaningful ways you can support people who are non-binary, gender nonconforming, or have other gender identities. You can donate to organizations advocating for LGBTQ+ rights, such as The Trevor Project or the Human Rights Campaign. You can also make it a point to shop at businesses owned by LGBTQ+ people and at businesses that donate a certain amount of their profits to LGBTQ+ advocacy organizations. You can also look to local LGBTQ+ organizations and activists in your community and support them by donating, volunteering, spreading the word about their work on your own social media, or finding another way to get involved.

Lastly, don’t underestimate the impact of your words. Using gender-neutral language, sharing your pronouns in a work meeting, and being vocal about your support of LGBTQ+ people are all ways that you can be supportive.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sexual Health Is Mental Health

— Comprehensive sex ed is key to supporting youth mental health development.

Marchers with Bans off my Body signs during the Pride March in New York City in March 2022.

BY

May is Mental Health Awareness Month—a time to share knowledge and bust stigma around mental health issues and empower our communities to take greater care of themselves and each other. As a youth sexuality educator, I have seen firsthand how comprehensive sex education that teaches young people healthy sexuality and communication, boundary-setting and consent is key to youth mental health and development.

I first got involved with Planned Parenthood as a volunteer for their Community Action team in Nashville. After working as a sex educator at Vanderbilt University, I joined Planned Parenthood’s Sex Education Training series in a state known for being difficult when it comes to amplifying sexual and reproductive health and education. After being exposed to all the possibilities that sex education can create for people, it didn’t take me long to realize that Planned Parenthood has its finger in the pulse when it comes to advancing the reproductive and sexual justice movement. I wanted to get involved in whichever capacity I could, so I asked to work with Planned Parenthood of Greater New York.

Today, I get to give workshops and interact with teenagers about interpersonal relationships, reproductive health, safe sex, STI prevention, consent and even relationship management strategies. I have gotten to see the way sexual health competency influences the mental, emotional and physical health of young people specifically. Evidence-based research shows how a better understanding of their bodies and sexuality can have profound positive effects on a young person’s mental health, but even though we have the data, there is so much work that still needs to be done.

Young people who receive comprehensive sex education are better at maintaining a balanced sexual and mental health.

In my everyday work, it’s very common for me to hear young people talk about the first time they experience jealousy, shame, excitement or even love. In those moments of openness, I can teach young people healthy strategies to respond to these very human emotions, and how their response can set healthy relationships and a safer experience for everyone.

Because age-appropriate, comprehensive sex education for our youth is not a requirement in our current education system, most teenagers—especially those in disenfranchised communities of color—still hold on to deeply troubling, outdated ideas about what is happening in their bodies. They believe that their development is not normal or shouldn’t be happening at all.

For those of us in the sex education field, it is common to have a holistic approach to our practice. In the classroom, we don’t just quiz young people on STIs. We go deeper, asking how they would feel if someone they knew was diagnosed with HIV, or how they would approach talking about a diagnosis with a partner. We explore the difficulties around discussing safe sex, and the reasons why it can make someone feel anxious or avoidant.

According to a study by the Guttmacher institute, the feeling-while-learning strategy improves confidence, teaches teenagers interpersonal relationship skills, coping strategies, to speak up when violence or abuse might be happening, how to advocate for themselves and others, how to manage problematic partnerships, and how to reduce shame, stigma and general feelings of discomfort around sex. The research shows that young people who receive comprehensive sex education are better at maintaining a balanced sexual and mental health.

By talking about sex with young people, we not only create a trust-based system that allows us to better guide them when making decisions, but we empower them with the tools and knowledge that could have life-altering outcomes for their futures. By receiving age-appropriate sex and emotional education, young people gain a wealth of knowledge, attitudes, skills and values to make healthier choices in their sexual and reproductive lives, which can help them gain an increased awareness of an already universal human experience and in exchange, have a happier life.

I’m still here today because I believe the educational work I get to do daily could have profound consequences for the betterment of all our communities. But I can’t continue to do my job the best way possible until comprehensive, age-appropriate sex education is expanded, protected and codified into law. Sexual health is mental health, and the only way we can stop the epidemic of youth self-harm and deteriorating mental health that has invaded the lives of our young people is by giving them the kind of education and resources they deserve.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Does Penis Size Actually Matter?

By Adrienne Santos-Longhurst

What’s the short answer?

No, penis size doesn’t matter — at least not in terms of desirability or function.
Its size has zero bearing on its ability to give and receive pleasure or do any of what it’s supposed to do.

That’s not to say that some people don’t prefer a bigger or smaller one, but that’s a matter of perceived preference, kind of like pineapple on pizza. To each their own.

Need some reassurance — or better yet, proof? Read on.

Bigger isn’t necessarily better

Contrary to the bull you might hear in the locker room or media, a bigger dick isn’t everything.

Bigger-than-average penises have been associated with a higher risk of injury and infection.

Extra length can also make some positions especially painful.

Too much girth can cause tearing if you’re not careful, especially during anal sex. Then there’s the whole choking and gag reflex to contend with during oral.

Of course, there are ways around these things, but it just goes to show that having a huge D isn’t all that.

Smaller isn’t necessarily bad

A smaller D is automatically easier to handle, which means all involved can focus on pleasure rather than pain or trying to figure out how the eff you’re gonna get THAT in there.

It’s certainly easier for fitting in the mouth. And when it comes to anal, a smaller peen is basically top dog.

Like any size penis, any perceived shortcomings are easily — and enjoyably — rectified with the right position.

And average is, well, smaller than you probably think

Most people with penises — around 85 percent — overestimate what average is when it comes to dick size and are convinced everyone else is packing something a lot beefier.

Here’s a dose of reality based on the most recent stats on schlong size:

  • The average penis length is 3.6 in (9.1 cm) when flaccid and 5.2 in (13.1 cm) when erect.
  • Girth-wise, the average flaccid penis measures 3.66 (9.31 cm) around and 4.59 (11.66 cm) in while erect.

To be clear: Size has nothing to do with stamina

You can be hung like the proverbial stallion and still lack stamina in the sack.

A big dick won’t last longer than a smaller one or keep you from running out of steam or cumming faster than you’d like.

It doesn’t affect fertility, either

If you’ve got baby-making on the mind, the last thing you need to do is stress about your size.

For starters, sperm is produced in the testicles — not the penis. Plus, there’s evidence that stress can reduce sperm quality and affect fertility.

FYI, stress can also put a kibosh on sexual pleasure, boners, and negatively impact your overall health.

The only thing size can do is affect your game — for better or worse

Peen size can totally affect your game, but how comes down to you.

Learn how to make the most of what you’ve got and all the other ways there are to give pleasure and you’ll be a rockstar. Focus on size alone and you’ll flop — literally and figuratively.

For example, some folks neglect their skillset because they think a big dick is all they need to rock someone’s world… and it’s not.

Others may let worries of a small D drain their confidence, causing them to overcompensate in other ways.

All of these things can take a mental toll on the penis-haver and suck the fun out of a sex sesh for all involved.

How to maximize what you’re working with

Not to keep hammering away at it, but it’s not the size of your penis that matters as much as what you do with it.

There’s nothing quite like leaving your partner writhing in ecstasy to thrust your confidence sky high, which will serve you well, in and out of the bedroom.

Here’s how to max the crap out of what you’ve got and feel good about what you’re working with — whether you lean bigger, smaller, or fall someplace between.

If you’re more endowed

The key to working with a bigger-than-average penis isn’t even really about your penis — at least not at first.

Making sure your partner is super-aroused will make it easier for them to handle your beast of a boner, so some extra focus on foreplay is a must. And lube. Lots of lube.

Use your mouth, tongue, or fingers to tease their erogenous zones, focusing on all the usual suspects, like the nips and genitals, as well as some less explored but surprisingly erotic bits, like the inner arms of behind the knees.

If you’re both ready to move onto penetration, choose positions that allow your partner a little more control over the depth. Having them on top is always a good way to go.

First, they can take you in at a pace that feels good. Plus, you get a bangin’ view of all the action and easy access to their other parts for maximum arousal.

If you’re less endowed

If your penis falls to the smaller side of the spectrum, focus on positions that let you go deep, like doggy style. Take it deeper by having your partner lower their head and chest while arching their back.

If you have a thinner penis, choose positions that make for a tighter squeeze. This can be any sex position, really, so long as your partner keeps their legs tight together.

Missionary, face-down, and them-on-top positions all work with closed legs.

And don’t let your wang worries make you forget about other types of sex. Add oral sex to the menu as the appetizer or even the main course.

And when giving, incorporate your hands or a sex toy to increase the chances of a clitoral or anal orgasm.

And speaking of orgasms, know that the chances of having them increases greatly with manual or oral stimulation than with intercourse.

You may also find it easier to hit the G spot, A spot, or P spot using your fingers or a toy. Seriously. Give it a try. You can thank us later.

If you’re somewhere in the middle

Well look at you and your not-too-big and not-too-small D, Goldicocks!

In terms of sex positions, anything goes if you aren’t trying to accommodate a penis that falls outside the average range. This is your chance to experiment like mad and fine tune the positions that you and your partner enjoy the most.

As long as your partner’s up for it, mix things up with sex in different places or consider exploring your kinky side.

Sensation play using sex toys, feathers, and ice cubes is a good start, especially if you’re BDSM-curious.

The bottom line

Being good in bed — or anywhere else you choose to get busy — isn’t about penis size, but how you handle it.

Figuring out what feels good for you and your partner and choosing moves that make the most of your penis type will serve you better than worrying will, so get to it!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex? Sexual intercourse? Neither?

— Teens weigh in on evolving definitions — and habits

By JOCELYN GECKER

Situationships. “Sneaky links.” The “talking stage,” the flirtatious getting-to-know-you phase — typically done via text — that can lead to a hookup.

High school students are having less sexual intercourse. That’s what the studies say. But that doesn’t mean they’re having less sex.

The language of young love and lust, and the actions behind it, are evolving. And the shift is not being adequately captured in national studies, experts say.

For years, studies have shown a decline in the rates of American high school students having sex. That trend continued, not surprisingly, in the first years of the pandemic, according to a recent survey by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The study found that 30% of teens in 2021 said they had ever had sex, down from 38% in 2019 and a huge drop from three decades ago, when more than half of teens reported having sex.

The Associated Press took the findings to teenagers and experts around the country to ask for their interpretation. Parents: Some of the answers may surprise you.

THE MEANING OF SEX: DEPENDS WHO YOU ASK

For starters, what is the definition of sex?

“Hmm. That’s a good question,” says Rose, 17, a junior at a New England high school.

She thought about it for 20 seconds, then listed a range of possibilities for heterosexual sex, oral sex and relations between same-sex or LGBTQ partners. On her campus, short-term hookups — known as “situationships” — are typically low commitment and high risk from both health and emotional perspectives.

There are also “sneaky links” — when you hook up in secret and don’t tell your friends. “I have a feeling a lot more people are quote unquote having sex — just not necessarily between a man and a woman.”

For teens today, the conversation about sexuality is moving from a binary situation to a spectrum and so are the kinds of sex people are having. And while the vocabulary around sex is shifting, the main question on the CDC survey has been worded the same way since the government agency began its biannual study in 1991: Have you “ever had sexual intercourse?”

“Honestly, that question is a little laughable,” says Kay, 18, who identifies as queer and attends a public high school near Lansing, Michigan. “There’s probably a lot of teenagers who are like, ‘No, I’ve never had sexual intercourse, but I’ve had other kinds of sex.’”

The AP agreed to use teenagers’ first or middle names for this article because of a common concern they expressed about backlash at school, at home and on social media for speaking about their peers’ sex lives and LGBTQ+ relations.

SEXUAL IDENTITY IS EVOLVING

Several experts say the CDC findings could signal a shift in how teen sexuality is evolving, with gender fluidity becoming more common along with a decrease in stigma about identifying as not heterosexual.

They point to another finding in this year’s study that found the proportion of high school kids who identify as heterosexual dropped to about 75%, down from about 89% in 2015, when the CDC began asking about sexual orientation. Meanwhile, the share who identified as lesbian, gay or bisexual rose to 15%, up from 8% in 2015.

“I just wonder, if youth were in the room when the questions were being created, how they would be worded differently,” said Taryn Gal, executive director of the Michigan Organization on Adolescent Sexual Health.

Sex is just one of the topics covered by the CDC study, called the Youth Risk Behavior Survey. One of the main sources of national data about high school students on a range of behaviors, it is conducted every two years and asks about 100 questions on topics including smoking, drinking, drug use, bullying, carrying guns and sex. More than 17,000 students at 152 public and private high schools across the country responded to the 2021 survey.

“It’s a fine line we have to try to walk,” says Kathleen Ethier, director of the CDC’s Division of Adolescent and School Health, which leads the study.

From a methodological standpoint, changing a question would make it harder to compare trends over time. The goal is to take a national snapshot of teenage behavior, with the understanding that questions might not capture all the nuance. “It doesn’t allow us to go as in depth in some areas as we would like,” Ethier says.

The national survey, for example, does not ask about oral sex, which carries the risk of spreading sexually transmitted infections. As for “sexual intercourse,” Ethier says, “We try to use a term that we know young people understand, realizing that it may not encompass all the ways young people would define sex.”

IS LESS TEEN SEX GOOD NEWS?

Beyond semantics, there are a multitude of theories on why the reported rates of high school sex have steadily declined — and what it might say about American society.

“I imagine some parents are rejoicing and some are concerned, and I think there is probably good cause for both,” says Sharon Hoover, co-director of the National Center for School Mental Health at the University of Maryland. Health officials like to see trends that result in fewer teen pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases.

“But what we don’t know is what this means for the trajectory of young people,” Hoover says.

This year’s decrease, the sharpest drop ever recorded, clearly had a lot to do with the pandemic, which kept kids isolated, cut off from friends and immersed in social media. Even when life started returning to normal, many kids felt uncomfortable with face-to-face interaction and found their skills in verbal communication had declined, Hoover said.

The survey was conducted in the fall of 2021, just as many K-12 students returned to in-person classrooms after a year of online school.

Several teens interviewed said that when schools reopened, they returned with intense social anxiety compounded by fears of catching COVID. That added a new layer to pre-pandemic concerns about sexual relations like getting pregnant or catching STIs.

“I remember thinking, ‘What if I get sick? What if I get a disease? What if I don’t have the people skills for this?’” said Kay, the 18-year-old from Michigan. “All those ‘what ifs’ definitely affected my personal relationships, and how I interacted with strangers or personal partners.”

Another fear is the prying eyes of parents, says college student Abby Tow, who wonders if helicopter parenting has played a role in what she calls the “baby-fication of our generation.” A senior at the University of Oklahoma, Tow knows students in college whose parents monitor their whereabouts using tracking apps.

“Parents would get push notifications when their students left dorms and returned home to dorms,” says Tow, 22, majoring in social work and gender studies.

Tow also notices a “general sense of disillusionment” in her generation. She cites statistics that fewer teenagers today are getting driver’s licenses. “I think,” she says, “there is a correlation between students being able to drive and students having sex.”

Another cause for declining sex rates could be easy access to online porn, experts say. By the age of 17, three-quarters of teenagers have viewed pornography online, with the average age of first exposure at 12, according to a report earlier this year by Common Sense Media, a nonprofit child advocacy group.

“Porn is becoming sex ed for young people,” says Justine Fonte, a New York-based sex education teacher. She says pornography shapes and skews adolescent ideas about sexual acts, power and intimacy. “You can rewind, fast forward, play as much as you want. It doesn’t require you to think about how the person is feeling.”

IS THERE AN EVOLVING DEFINITION OF CONSENT?

Several experts said they hoped the decline could be partly attributed to a broader understanding of consent and an increase in “comprehensive” sex education being taught in many schools, which has become a target in ongoing culture wars.

Unlike abstinence-only programs, the lessons include discussion on understanding healthy relationships, gender identity, sexual orientation and preventing unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections. Contrary to what critics think, she said, young people are more likely to delay the onset of sexual activity if they have access to sex education.

Some schools and organizations supplement sex education with peer counseling, where teens are trained to speak to each other about relationships and other topics that young people might feel uncomfortable raising with adults.

Annika, 14, is a peer ambassador trained by Planned Parenthood and a high school freshman in Southern California. She’s offered guidance to friends in toxic relationships and worries about the ubiquity of porn among her peers, especially male friends. It’s clear to her that the pandemic stunted sex lives.

The CDC’s 2023 survey, which is currently underway, will show if the decline was temporary. Annika suspects it will show a spike. In her school, at least, students seem to be making up for lost time.

“People lost those two years so they’re craving it more,” she said. She has often been in a school bathroom where couples in stalls next to her are engaged in sexual activities.

Again, the definition of sex? “Any sexual act,” Annika says. “And sexual intercourse is one type of act.”

To get a truly accurate reading of teen sexuality, the evolution of language needs to be taken into account, says Dr. John Santelli, a Columbia University professor who specializes in adolescent sexuality.

“The word intercourse used to have another meaning,” he points out. “Intercourse used to just mean talking.”

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