Whether you want to reignite a spark in the bedroom or are just down to try something new with your partner, power play (with continued consent, of course) may be the thing to spice up your sex life.Carol Queen, Ph.D., a staff sexologist for Good Vibrations, defines power play as play that involves differential roles, usually a submissive partner and a dominant partner. This type of power play, she says, applies to most BDSM as well as other forms of kink (think role-playing) and some forms of rough sex.
With that in mind, while people participating in power play tend to find this type of play erotic, Queen says it doesn’t always involve sexual activity. “Some go on to have sex with this heightened arousal and power-infused role-play to add passion and excitement,” she says. “Others do not choose this.” Either way, she says the benefits of power play are many, including pleasure, excitement, increased partner intimacy, and an enhanced way you see yourself and the world. Into it? Keep reading to learn how to introduce power play into your sex life.
How To Introduce Power Play Into Your Sex Life
1. Get On The Same Page
First and foremost, it’s important to talk to your partner about incorporating power play. “Find out if your partner is interested, if they have any concerns, if either of you feels the need for more information,” Queen says. If so, she encourages doing more research about power play, taking a class, or talking to an experienced friend or expert about it until you both feel comfortable taking the next steps.
2. Create A Yes/Maybe/No List
The next step is to get clear on what you’re most excited to try and your limits and boundaries. To do so, Queen suggests creating a yes, maybe, and no list, which details what you’re willing to do, things you may be into trying, and what things you’re not interested in trying. Then compare lists and find what is compatible for you to explore together. “If you’re interested in different things, figure out if either of you is happy to facilitate the other’s fantasy, or look at your maybe lists and see if there’s a way to address the elements that prevent those items from being yesses,” Queen says.
3. Choose Your Safe Word
Next, decide on a safe word other than the word no. Queen says it should be a word that would not likely come up when you’re in character during role-play. The word “red,” as in red light means stop, is a common safe word. If there’s a chance you may not be able to be heard — for instance, if it’s noisy or you are gagged — Queen recommends using a safe gesture, such as holding an item and dropping it.
And most importantly, when the safe word (or gesture) is used, respect it and give the other person what they need, whether that’s taking a break or stopping altogether. If your partner doesn’t respect safe words, Queen doesn’t recommend playing with them again as it is a breach of trust.
4. Decide Your Roles
“Even if you are not doing role-play per se, power play implies a top and a bottom (dominant and submissive),” Queen says. But these don’t have to be set in stone. “People switch all the time, but you need to know who is the ‘do-er’ and the ‘do-ee.’ Unless, you know, your fantasy is to [wrestle] and see who can overpower the other,” she says. Whatever your role, Queen adds that both of you can use the safe word at any point.
5. Check In With Each Other
Once you’ve experimented with power play (more on how to do that below), Queen emphasizes the importance of checking in with each other afterward, whether it’s right after or after you’ve had some time to process the experience. Ask each other how you’re feeling and figure out what you loved or would change if you did it again.
Power Play Game Examples
Blindfold
If you’re just dipping your toes into power play, incorporating a blindfold is a beginner-friendly way to try it out. “Blindfold one of you, and the other person touches and teases them, maybe uses toys or a massage candle, does light BDSM play like slapping or pinching,” Queen says. “The blindfold is a power toy because it removes one of your senses and it also intensifies the others.”
Role-Play & Sex
Another way to experiment with power play is to choose personas or characters to play. “Pretend to be strangers and seduce each other, or pick matching roles that include power differential to explore,” Queen says. Think mistress and butler or coach and athlete. “Remember, this is fantasy, and you can use your safe word if it goes in a direction you’re not feeling.”
Bondage
Lastly, if you want to take things up a notch, Queen suggests trying bondage with fuzzy cuffs. She says metal handcuffs can cause discomfort when you thrash around. Don’t have handcuffs on hand (no pun intended)? The submissive can put their hands somewhere and not move. “This is exciting with sex play but also a way to explore spanking and other impact play,” she says. “The butt cheeks are good, safe places to explore impact. Start mild, and escalate if desired.”
These days, we are involved in a great debate about whether and when we should teach kids about race, gender and sex in our schools.
But here’s the thing: There is no way for teachers to avoid teaching about race and sexuality, even in early grades. The only question is how we do it. To illustrate, let me share a story.
When my daughter was 2, we were visiting my mother in Southern California. We went to the supermarket. My daughter rode in the cart as I pushed through the store collecting items. As we worked our way through the produce section, passing along the lettuces and greens, another Black American woman was shopping just ahead of me. She was a middle-aged woman, dressed simply and sensibly, going about her business in an altogether ordinary way. My daughter watched her, and then looked up at me and said, “Mommy, I think it’s not good to be Black.”
What did I say in the moment? I don’t exactly remember. But probably something like, “Black is beautiful, my love. That woman is beautiful.”
My daughter was a precocious talker, yes. She talked early, though she didn’t talk often. She has always been a quiet and hyperobservant child. One preschool teacher said, “Still waters run deep.” When she had things to say, she said them in complete sentences. And though I think she was 2, she might have been 3 or maybe 3½. It doesn’t really matter. The point is that children learn from the world, and the world provokes questions — and when children ask their questions, their elders teach back.
My daughter’s statement was a question. Its subtext went like this: “I’ve noticed something, Mommy. It seems like it’s not good to Black. But can that be right? You’re Black. I love you. How can these things fit together? And what does this mean for me?” In that moment, I needed to teach my daughter that it is good to be Black. I also needed to teach her that she was accurately observing something about the world — that Blackness is stigmatized. And I needed to give her the capacity to set the stigma apart from the reality.
When I was 7, my father had me read “Uncle Tom’s Cabin.” To many, “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” caricatures Black experience. For my father, it provides a clear statement about the moral agency and equality of Black people — a permanent and visible fact, even in the midst of stigma. In having me read that very long book, he was teaching me.
I was a precocious reader.
But that doesn’t really matter to the story, either. What I can assure you of is that even before any of our kids, of any racial or ethnic background, get to school, every Black family in the United States is having to teach its children about race and the history of enslavement and stories of overcoming that have played out generation after generation. The same must be true for kids raised in LGBTQ families, with regard to the history and contemporary experience of gender and sexuality. I’m sure every family is doing the teaching differently. Some talking, some reading. Some looking at pictures. Some singing songs. But all are teaching.
This means that the only way you can keep knowledge and questions about these histories, experiences and perspectives out of the school curriculum in early grades is to keep Black people or members of LGBTQ families out of schools.
To recognize that fundamental fact is as if to hear a ghost whisper a revelation from a deep and ugly past. The wandering and cold-breathed ghost whispers that our old history of segregation — our now legally abandoned practices — was at some deep and existential level simply a way of evading the truth. The truth of our history and how it has been marred by racial domination. The truth of our present and our continued struggles with race. The truth of our moral responsibility to one another as human beings facing a future together.
To say it again, there is no way for teachers to avoid teaching about race and sexuality. We cannot legislate against children’s questions.
Out of charity, I will assume that the various efforts by state legislators to control when and how teachers engage with these subjects comes from an effort to open a discussion not of whether to teach in response to the questions children have but rather about how to do this. This is a profoundly important topic. And I would agree that some ways are better than others. But I hope we can take this issue of how to teach the histories and presents of race and enslavement, of gender and sexuality, out of the political maelstrom and turn them into a real conversation about how to raise healthy, loving, responsible children with a strong sense of self-confidence, purpose and charity for others in their hearts.
We grown-ups don’t get to decide whether we teach about race, gender and sexuality.
Living in our world as they do, our children have already determined that we will so teach.
Outercourse is an option for sexual activity without intercourse. When you get down to the details, that means different things to different people.
For some, it’s everything except penis-in-vagina (PIV) penetration. For others, outercourse means no penetration of any kind, including fingers, sex toys, and anal sex.
Some choose outercourse as a safe sex alternative. They put boundaries around any activity that can cause pregnancy or transmit sexually transmitted infections (STIs).
Your personal definition of outercourse may depend on your reasons for trying it.
Intrigued? Read on to learn more about how it works and what this might mean for you.
Is it the same thing as abstinence?
It might!
Like outercourse, being abstinent can have different meanings, depending on who you ask.
Some people practice abstinence because they’re not yet ready for sexual activity. For them, being abstinent may mean no outercourse.
For others, the definitions of abstinence and outercourse can overlap.
If you think of sex as any type of penetration, for example, then sticking to sexual acts without penetration can count as abstinence.
What counts as outercourse?
Since the definition of outercourse varies, the activities that count as outercourse all depend on who’s practicing it.
Outercourse might include any of the following:
Kissing
Don’t underestimate the power of a kiss. Making out can be a great way to build intimacy. Kissing different parts of the body can help you and your partner discover what turns you on.
Massage
Getting your massage on can be super sexy in the right circumstances. Set the scene with some candles or mood lighting, and use lubrication like hot or scented oils. Share intimate details with your partner about where you both like to get rubbed down.
Dry humping
That’s a term you might not have heard in a while. But dry humping isn’t just for teenagers. Grinding your body against your partner’s can be pleasurable at any age. You can even see how you like different positions, clothing materials, and role play for different types of pleasure.
Mutual masturbation (in some definitions)
Who knows how you like to be touched better than yourself? Masturbation doesn’t have to be a solo activity. You and your partner can masturbate together while kissing, cuddling, and showing each other what feels good.
Sex toys (in some definitions)
There’s a whole world of sex toys out there just waiting to be explored, and there’s a good chance you can find one for the type of stimulation you’re looking for.
For example, if you want genital stimulation without penetration, vibrators can target the clitoris or the head of the penis for an arousing time.
Manual stimulation (in some definitions)
You and your partner can take turns pleasuring each other with hand jobs or fingering, or pleasure each other at the same time.
Here’s one way to keep things exciting: Try various types of lubricants, like warming and cooling lubes, to see how you like different sensations along with your hand and finger play.
Oral sex (in some definitions)
Blow jobs, cunnilingus, rimming: There are many options for using your mouth on your partner’s genitals and other pleasure zones. And when your partner’s mouth is giving you oral sex, let them know what you’d like more and less of.
Anal sex (in some definitions)
Anal sex can be enjoyable for people of all genders and can involve a penis or sex toys. Your ideal sex toys for anal penetration might be different from the ones you like for other body parts, so anal play can be a chance to try out new toys.
Is pregnancy possible?
No intercourse, no pregnancy, right? At least, that’s usually the idea if intercourse would mean PIV penetration.
It’s true that the chances of pregnancy from outercourse are pretty slim, but it isn’t impossible.
Pregnancy can happen if fluids get in the vagina, like by accidentally dripping semen on the vulva or by fingering the vagina after touching semen.
Washing hands after handling ejaculate or pre-ejaculate can help, as well as being careful about where semen ends up anytime it’s involved in your outercourse.
Another case that could result in pregnancy? Deciding in the moment that you want to have intercourse after all.
If you’re ready for it, and both you and your partner are in agreement, there’s no reason to beat yourself up about it.
But unprotected PIV sex can get you or your partner pregnant, even if it only happens once.
Just in case this happens, it’s helpful to keep protection like condoms on hand or to be on birth control.
Are STIs possible?
Contracting STIs is also possible in some cases.
Anytime your outercourse includes genital contact or sexual fluids (like semen and vaginal wetness), there’s a risk of STIs.
For example, if you dry hump naked or with only underwear, the skin-to-skin contact can transfer bodily fluids even without penetration.
Oral sex, anal sex, and sharing sex toys can also pass STIs.
To reduce your risk, use protection like dental dams and condoms. Get tested regularly if you’re doing anything that might put you at risk for STIs.
What’s the point?
Still wondering why outercourse is worth it when you could be having “real sex” instead?
Well, don’t knock it just yet. There are many situations where outercourse might be a great option.
Anyone can practice outercourse, no matter your gender, sexual orientation, or whether or not you’ve had intercourse before.
Here are some reasons a person might be interested in outercourse:
You don’t have protection, like if you forgot to bring condoms or take your birth control.
One partner doesn’t want to be penetrated or penetrate due to not feeling ready, a painful health condition, trauma, or body dysphoria.
You’re tracking fertility and want to avoid the risk of pregnancy on days when one partner is more likely to get pregnant.
You want to avoid having sex during your period or your partner’s period.
One partner is having a condition flare up or not feeling up for intercourse.
You want to understand your own body more.
You want to practice and learn how to ask for what you want, or learn more about your partner’s likes and dislikes.
You or your partner aren’t interested or ready yet for sex.
You’ve tried intercourse and decided you need more time before you’re ready for more.
You’d like to learn how to get the most out of your foreplay leading up to intercourse.
The bottom line
It’s easy to get trapped into thinking that sex means one course of action: foreplay, penetration, and orgasm.
But there are many ways to enjoy sexual pleasure. Lots of people have body types, desires, and needs that go beyond traditional ideas of intercourse.
Exploring the options outside of intercourse has proven to increase sexual pleasure, even for people who practice intercourse, too.
Regardless of your reasons for practicing it, outercourse is a fun way to try new things, focus on different pleasures, and explore what sensuality really means to you.
Compared to a few decades ago, young people have surprisingly less access to high-quality, informative sex education. Typically, human sexuality programs have been the responsibility of middle or high schools, but like many things, sex is political, and sex education has been prey to the influences of religious dicta, fundamentalist morals, and a family values agenda. As a result, STIs have been at an all-time high for each of the past six years, including among older adults, who are often ignored because people presume they are sexually inactive (they’re not). But thanks to the internet, sex education is enjoying a comeback, and it’s not just for teenagers or young kids, but seniors as well.
Although the majority of Americans support sex education, schools have been remiss in providing comprehensive, evidence-based curricula. Florida’s recently enacted “Don’t Say Gay” law denies students in earlier grades the chance to learn about gender identity and sexual orientation. And comprehensive sex education curricula have been under attack for prematurely sexualizing children, what’s called “grooming”—an unsubstantiated claim that sex ed “grooms” youths to be sexual victims.
Furthermore, a recent report from the Guttmacher Institute, a nonprofit that advocates for sexual health and reproductive rights, indicates that only 25 states require both sex education and HIV education, or instruction that is age appropriate. And just 17 states mandate the course content be medically accurate, which could have particular consequences for those whose sexual orientation and gender identity don’t adhere to heteronormative definitions. Nationally, at least 30 pieces of legislation aim to exclude LGBTQ+ representation. According to Guttmacher, “just say no” and abstinence-only messaging still dominate curricula, with nearly twice as many states providing information only on abstinence, as compared to condoms and other contraception. “Just say no” education isn’t realistic, and simplifies—even sidesteps—the issue of consent, which is about a lot more than yes or no, and a topic only 11 states have as part of their syllabus.
When offered, comprehensive sex ed works. Aside from reducing unwanted pregnancies and STIs, domestic violence decreases, as does homophobic bullying and child sex abuse. That’s where a number of sex educators and websites step in to fill the gap, especially important now in a post-Roe America. Here are a few resources worth checking out.
Scarleteen
Scarleteen was founded in 1998 by Heather Corinna, who still serves as its director. The site offers articles, fact sheets, resource lists, and more, all written by adult, almost-adult, and teen educators, and the content aligns with suggested guidelines for comprehensive sex education for adolescents by SIECUS, UNESCO, the US Centers for Disease Control’s National Health Education Standards, and the UK National Health Service’s Sex and Relationships Education. They also meet the new American School Health Association’s National Sexuality Education Standards. Message boards are staffed with experts and volunteers to answer user questions, for emotional support, and to engage in safe, respectful, peer-to-peer discussion. The site also offers referrals to other sexual and reproductive healthcare services, such as STI testing, prenatal or abortion care, mental health care, LGBTQIA+ support, and more.
Sex, Etc.
Sex, Etc. began as a print newsletter in 1994 and launched on the web on Valentine’s Day 1999. The content comes directly from young adults looking to fill in the gaps in their own knowledge and share what they’ve learned. In keeping with that theme, writers for the site are allowed to contribute to Sex, Etc. only until they’re 20 years old. “Nothing about them, without them,” is how Tazmine Weisgerber, who provides sex education and training for Sex, Etc., describes the site. “The national and international conversations are what our teens are talking about,” she says. “Awareness of LGBTQ+ rights and reproductive justice” are all topics of interest to the site’s visitors, she explained.
To ensure accuracy, student staff participate in a three-day training with professionals, as well as an orientation and monthly meetings. They then work with the site’s editorial content developer, Erica Pass, who guides them through pitching a story to getting it ready to publish. Vivian Welch, now a freshman at the University of Arizona, has written extensively for Sex, Etc., and says one of her favorite pieces she wrote was on sensuality. “Of all the areas that encompass sex education, one thing that people never want to talk about is sensuality, the actual pleasure aspect of sex education. They try to limit it to scare you out of having sex. Which is not the goal. The goal is to give people the proper ways to stay safe. And not just physically safe, but also emotionally safe.”
Looking to the future, Pass says they plan to produce more videos, more TikToks, and more Instagram Reels, because that’s where teens are. “I think that what’s great about Sex, Etc. is that it’s written by teens, for teens,” Welch says. “Sex education is not a way to seduce teens into having a bunch of sex … sex education is a good thing. It’s not here to scare anyone.”
AMAZE
AMAZE is a site that produces educational videos on difficult sex and reproductive health topics. The site launched in 2016, and Rachael Gibson, a psychologist and sex educator, is the site’s senior project manager. “We’ve been expanding globally,” Gibson says. “We have over 200 videos translated into different languages. We have videos specific to different countries and their needs, so our global partnerships are very important to us. And here domestically, a grand vision in a perfect world is that AMAZE is used in all schools and that all young people have comprehensive, inclusive sex ed.”
AMAZE videos are one- to three-minute-long videos based on questions the team has gotten from viewers through their YouTube channel and social media platforms, especially Instagram and TikTok. “Our puberty videos are some of our top videos,” Gibson continues. “There are a lot of questions about gender identity, what it means to go through puberty as a transgender or nonbinary or gender-nonconforming person. This is one of the biggest changes.” While the audience is largely young people, the website is used by a growing audience of parents, caregivers, and medical professionals. And in response to legislation like Florida’s “Don’t Say Gay” bill, the platform is experimenting with geotargeting its videos. “We know the kids are going to be going for the info, but we want them to get the stuff that is medically accurate, inclusive, and scientifically informed,” Gibson says.
Pornography As an Educational Tool
Traditionally, most people don’t consider pornography a source of reliable sex education; its typical purpose is to titillate rather than educate. However, there are individuals in the adult entertainment industry who have—and continue to—play a significant role in modeling a paradigm for diversity, acceptance, and ethical sex. Erika Lust, a director and producer of art-house adult films, is cofounder of The Porn Conversation, a website designed to help inform families and educators about sex. “Porn is an industry, and as a media, is sending out messages to adults, but also to all these young people who are using porn as information,” she says. By the age of 12, Lust explains, most kids have seen some form of porn, because they’re naturally looking out for it. “Even if porn never was supposed to be sex education, it has become sex education. There’s a risk just leaving them to watch it,” Lust explains. “It’s so important to have this conversation.” Lust works with other sex educators and researchers, youth organizations, and universities to counter the hypersexualized messages delivered by so much porn—messages that are racist, aggressive toward women, and reflect unrealistic body types.
But Lust’s curriculum isn’t just for young people. She provides information for parents to learn about sex themselves because often they didn’t have access to sex education when they were younger. Lust also directed a movie called Soul Sex, a documentary featuring sex educators Annie Campbell and her husband, John Campbell, where they discuss and demonstrate their approach to pleasure and lovemaking at any age. The Campbells extend their efforts on their website, where they offer coaching sessions and webinars aimed to help couples embrace their sexuality.
Other educators are also targeting older adults, particularly seniors, with educational videos designed for their needs. Jessica Drake is an adult actor and sex educator who, with her series, the Guide to Wicked Sex, directs adult-oriented how-to videos. Joan Price, an author and sex educator, teamed up with Drake to produce a Guide to Wicked Sex aimed specifically at seniors. The film is educational and explicit—Price’s informational segments are demonstrated by two senior couples. As Price told me, “Sex may change as we age, but sex has no expiration date.”
Regardless of your age, evidence-based and high-quality sex education is becoming harder and harder to find offline. As a result, the internet has become a primary resource for inclusive sex education for young and old alike. Information that deals with the essentials—our biology and how it works, and the social, psychological, and behavioral facets of sexual experiences—is readily available. As with anything else, the rest is up to us to be smart consumers and to defend free access to such information.
Here are 15 things you need to know if you want to be a good top!
1. Have some serious foreplay
We’ve all been there. We’re turned on, we’re excited, we just want to get to the game, but sometimes the tailgate is the best part. You want the experience to last. You want him to feel comfortable. Take your time before getting to the actual penetration.
2. Have the condoms
While it’s not the job of all tops to carry condoms, it’s often expected that they are the ones who will. Don’t rely on the bottom to carry the condoms. As the top, the responsibility is more on you. Also, yes, I know PrEP is a thing, and you should be on it. While a miracle drug, it doesn’t protect against other STIs besides HIV, and even if your partner is on PrEP, he may still want to use a condom.
3. Gently enter and ask how it feels
For the love of god, don’t start off by jack hammering. Go slow. Let him get used to having you inside of him. Ask how they feel. Ask if he needs more lube or if you need to pull out for a second.
4. Switch up positions and speeds
Don’t do the same thing the whole time. Speed up. Slow down. Switch positions. While (most) bottoms like to be pounded extra hard in doggystyle, that’s not the only thing we like. Oh, and it can be super sexy to make out while you’re inside of him. If you can jerk him off while you’re inside him too, even better.
5. Give him a break if he’s on top
It takes a lot of work to do cowboy, or any other riding position. Unless he’s a porn star, he’s going to get tired. Sometimes he won’t feel comfortable asking you to switch positions, which is why you should preemptively ask him if he wants to switch it up.
6. Do not false advertise
You know your junk better than anyone else. One of my biggest pet peeves is when I meet a guy, we go back, and he is freakin’ huge. Like donkey d*ck, monster huge. I’m like, where do you expect me to put that? Why did you not give me fair warning? I could have loosened up for you. This is no longer sexy that you’re well-endowed. It’s just annoying. Then there’s the other side of the coin. Don’t lie about being bigger than you are. You can’t hide it. Like, we’re going to find out and be annoyed if you gave yourself an extra three inches.
7. Pull out if you’re going to orgasm too quickly
Slow it down if you’re about to orgasm. If that’s not enough, pull out and do some other “stuff” while your body takes a break. You don’t want to ejaculate within seconds of being inside of him.
8. If you do ejaculate prematurely, let him know your refractory time, and go again
It’s not the end of the world if you orgasm quickly. Just let him know you can have some other fun for a little bit, and then go at it again. Just because you finish once, doesn’t mean that’s the end. Go again! And the second time, you’ll be able to last longer.
9. Don’t be annoying with putting on the condom
Don’t try to sneak it in there without asking. For the love of God, don’t take it off in the middle of having sex without telling him. Sex with condoms can be really annoying. Trust me, I know. But you need to respect your bottom and his wishes.
10. Say his name during sex
This is just hot. It makes him feel special and wanted. I haven’t met a single guy who doesn’t like hearing his name out loud during sex. It’s a simple yet effective turn-on technique.
11. Don’t make a big deal if you get a little “mud” on you
Butts are not chocolate soft serves. Yes, some poop can come out, but not that often or that much if you’re aware of your body. That said, it will happen at some point. It’s inevitable. Don’t make a big deal. Simply ask to change condoms. Or, if you don’t mind, afterwards, take off the condom, wrap it in a paper towel and throw it out without him seeing. Then go wash yourself off. You don’t need to tell him it happened if he didn’t realize. There’s no reason to embarrass him.
12. Read your partner and when in doubt, ask
Sometimes your partner will be vocal. It’ll be clear what he wants you to do. Other times, you’ll have to read him more. Would he like you to go slower or faster? Harder or softer? If you’re not sure, just ask!
13. Let him know when you’re about to finish and ask him where he wants you to orgasm
Some guys like it when you finish inside of them. Other guys, not so much. Some guys like you to finish on unlikely places. Be a gentleman and do what he asks. If he says he doesn’t care, still give him a heads up by telling him where you’re going to ejaculate.
14. Help him finish afterward
Just because you finished doesn’t mean the fun is over. Some bottoms don’t like to ejaculate, but many do. Don’t assume because you were the top that sex is over once you finish. Don’t be greedy. Help him finish if he wants to.
15. Don’t rush out afterward
If you want him to feel used, then yes, rush out afterwards. If not, lay in bed with him for a while. Cuddle. Have some pillow talk. Let him know that he’s more than just a piece of meat and a tight hole. Unless, of course, this was the agreement and both you knew it was a quickie. If that’s the case, then don’t overstay your welcome. Get the hell out.
Feeling anxious during sex is incredibly common and valid.
This can be a result of poor body image, a hyperfocus on your partner, or prior bad experiences.
Fortunately, this anxiety can often be overcome through mindfulness, movement, or therapy.
When you think of performance anxiety, you might think of tests or talent shows, but this fear is also common during sex. In fact, up to 25% of men and 16% of women experience sexual performance anxiety.
But other anxieties, like worrying how your body appears to your partner, can be part of performance anxiety, too.
If you’re experiencing performance anxiety during sex, here’s some things that could be causing it, as well as some information on how it can be treated.
After all, being naked and vulnerable with someone is hard even when you feel great about how you look.
Moreover, if you’re preoccupied with what you look like, you’re probably not focused on the sensations of sex. “It really takes us out of the experience of, what are the feelings in my body, which is what we want to be focused on,” says Rachel Zar, a licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist who practices at Spark Chicago Therapy.
As a result, it might take you a longer time to orgasm – which might make you even more self-conscious, fueling performance anxiety.
How to overcome it: Working towards body acceptance is a difficult, but empowering way to reconnect with your body. In practice, this can look like:
Re-evaluating your relationship with food and movement: Societal bias and weight stigma has taught us to demonize food and overly celebrate exercise. Neutralizing or accepting your relationship with food and movement can help you to be kinder to yourself and celebrate all that your body does for you each day.
Incorporating joyful movement: We often associate the word “movement” with exercise, but fun movements like dancing, walking, or even cleaning can encourage more positive feelings about your body.
Visit a boudoir photographer: Taking photos of your body that you feel good about can encourage you to channel that version of your body image in the bedroom.
2. Feeling disconnected from your partner
Sometimes, you might feel distant from a sexual partner because you don’t know them very well. But even if you’re having sex with a long-term significant other, you could feel disconnected if you’ve recently had an argument or spent some time apart.
This disconnection could make your mind wander during sex, giving anxiety a space to creep in, Zar says. Moreover, if you’re feeling distant from your partner(s), your brain is more likely to kick into “performance mode,” triggering performance anxiety.
“Sometimes, you need some time to reconnect to a partner before you’re able to reconnect sexually,” Zar says. “After all, sex is a really vulnerable thing to do with someone.”
How to overcome it: The best thing to do is talk to your partner about what’s bothering you, Zar says.
She also recommends focusing on foreplay – not just in bed, but also in the hours or days leading up to sex. That might include touching or kissing each other throughout the day, or cuddling on the couch.
Foreplay gives you an opportunity to reconnect with your partner without rushing straight into sex, and it promotes intimacy.
3. Negative beliefs or shame about sex
One of the most common causes of performance anxiety is negative beliefs about sex, Elkhatib says. For instance, if you were taught as a kid that sex is bad or dirty, you might feel ashamed about engaging in sexual behaviors.
This shame, in turn, might make you worry about how your partner(s) perceive you or feel about your sexual encounters.
“Shame is not a sexy feeling,” Zar says. “If you think that something you’re doing is shameful, you may be easily embarrassed by it or monitor your actions or responses.”
How to overcome it: Attending therapy with a sex-affirming mental health professional is one key way to dismantle sexual shame.
In particular, a therapist can work to help you understand what messages have led you to feel ashamed about your sexuality, Elkhatib says. You can then start to replace those narratives with more sex-positive thoughts.
Sex positive literature can help correct negative sexual beliefs. If your negative thoughts stem from a religious background, you can usually find books that can be helpful. “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagiski could be helpful to everyone.
4. Focusing too much on you partner during sex
We tend to think that being tuned in to our partners’ desires during sex is a good thing, but if you focus on your partner(s) to the detriment of your own pleasure, it can cause performance anxiety.
For instance, if you’re super dialed in to your partner(s), you may notice if they sigh or glance away from you – potentially meaningless signs that may make you worry they’re not enjoying themselves.
Focusing too much on your partner can also be tied into messaging we’ve been taught about sex, Elkhatib says.
For example, if you were raised in an environment where you were told sex is a duty you must perform to please your partner(s), that could lead you to solely focus on your partner’s pleasure during sex – and it could incite performance anxiety as you worry what might happen if you don’t satisfy them.
How to overcome it: Treating this kind of performance anxiety is all about learning to focus on yourself. That might include exercises like masturbating to relearn what feels good in your body or practicing having sex with your partner where you’re the center of attention.
For instance, Elkhatib says you might have sex with your partner(s) where you’re not allowed to give pleasure to them: they’re only allowed to pleasure you.
If past lessons about sex have contributed to your desire to focus on a partner, then examining the source of those beliefs can be helpful too, Elkhatib says.
Focusing on other forms of bodily pleasure that aren’t sex can also shift your focus: Such as how you eat your food, shower, listen to music, or move during walks.
Mindfulness training is a great way to defeat performance anxiety, Zar says. In mindfulness training, you focus on how your body feels instead of focusing on your anxiety. This can help bring you back into your body so you can enjoy sex more.
Mindfulness can be hard at first, but you can practice it in non-sexual situations, such as at the gym or nail salon, before applying the technique in the bedroom, says Zar.
5. Physical hurdles
If something has changed in your life so that you’re not functioning sexually in the way that you used to, that can cause performance anxiety, Zar says.
For example, if you’re no longer able to consistently achieve an erection – something that happens to many men as they age – you may develop anxiety, wondering if you’ll be able to perform as you’d like to the next time you have sex.
This may also happen if you experience
A lack of ability to orgasm because of taking medications like antidepressants
An injury or condition that impacts your sex organs
Other physical health conditions, such as heart disease or diabetes, that can impact erectile and orgasmic functioning
How to overcome it: Depending on the cause of the changes, you may be able to work with a primary care physician or a psychiatrist to manage your symptoms, says Litner. For instance, antidepressants can often affect your libido or ability to achieve orgasm. Your psychiatrist may be able to reduce your dosage or change your meds to alleviate these symptoms.
Even if the physical changes don’t abate, you can still manage your performance anxiety by changing how you approach sexual encounters. Litner suggests shifting from a performance-based mindset, which relies on a specific outcome being achieved, to a pleasure-based mindset, in which it’s the enjoyment of yourself and your partner that matters. Studies have shown that mindfulness training can help with this.
Working with a sex therapist that’s specifically focused on people with disabilities can also be helpful. Sex therapists can validate the different, yet equally important challenges that folks with disabilities face when it comes to sex.
6. Past negative experience with a partner
If someone has negatively commented on your sexual performance in the past, that can make you anxious about future sexual encounters.
“A lot of times we see this show up if somebody says something that is more of a rigid comment,” Litner says. “‘How come you’re not hard?’ or, ‘How come you’re not having an orgasm?'”
Even small comments made by well-meaning partners can cause performance anxiety, Litner says.
How to overcome it: Treatment will depend on the severity of the past negative experience, Litner says. If the experience was traumatic or took place during a formative period in someone’s life, trauma-based therapies can be effective. In other cases, psychotherapies like cognitive behavioral therapy and narrative-based therapy can be used.
Insider’s takeaway
Performance anxiety during sex is very common, and can be caused by poor body image, feeling disconnected from your partner(s), or changes in your sexual functioning. Treatment for performance anxiety depends on what is causing it, but a combination of therapy and mindfulness exercises are often effective.
Remember, even if you’re never able to totally eliminate your anxiety around sex, that doesn’t mean your sex life is over. “Intimacy does not mean sex, and sex doesn’t mean intercourse,” Elkhatib says. “The more that people can broaden their library of intimacy… the less pressure there will be to look and feel a certain way.”
If you’ve been active in the dating scene, you’ve probably spotted the phrase ‘ethically non-monogamous’ in a few Bumble bios lately. Ethical non-monogamy is a popular dating and relationship term that encompasses a number of “non-traditional” styles of relationship and approaches to dating, including polyamory, swingers, relationship anarchy, as well as open relationships, per Freddie. And while all of these relationships fall under the heading of ethical non-monogamy, they are not synonymous with one another. Though open relationships of all kinds are nothing new, it seems more and more people are interested in exploring their options. A 2021 study revealed that one in nine Americans have been in a polyamorous relationship, and one in six would be open to trying one at some point (via Newsweek).
To people who’ve never considered non-monogamy, the idea of having multiple emotional and sexual relationships might seem confusing. Just the number of relationship labels can be a lot to process. “In practice, it can look like a range of things,” Georgia Grace, a certified sex coach and educator tells Vogue Australia. “For some people, being ethically non-monogamous is about wanting to have sex with multiple people. For others, it’s about having romantic connections, or it might be about intimacy, or a range of other reasons.” Whatever the motivation behind opening things up, the common thread between these types of ethically non-monogamous relationships is that all partners are aware of the open relationship dynamic and fully consent to their partner(s) becoming romantically, sexually, and/or emotionally involved with other people.
What is polyamory?
Polyamory is a non-monogamous approach to love and dating in which people are open to multiple romantic relationships with the knowledge and consent of all partners involved. This type of open relationship isn’t just about having more sex with more people, it’s about opening yourself up to the abundance of love and committed relationships that life has to offer. “It’s honestly not that much different from being in any relationship, for me at least. Each relationship is separate from the other, and each has their great parts and less than great parts, just like any relationship,” one polyamorous woman shares with Refinery29. It’s important to point out that being polyamorous isn’t necessarily the same as being in an open relationship.
With open relationships, the focus is placed more heavily on having a sexual relationship outside of a marriage or relationship, while polyamory tends to place more emphasis on exploring intimate or romantic relationships with more than one person at a time. And within the polyamory community itself, there are many different sub-groups that each have their own structure and relationship hierarchies; a few of these being solo polyamory, polyfidelity, hierarchical polyamory, and non-hierarchical polyamory, just to name a few (via PureWow). “There are no right or wrong ways to do polyamory and non-monogamy in general. It’s really about what works for you,” says sex therapist Rachel Wright tells Them. “While there are these types of polyamorous relationships, it doesn’t mean they are the only ways to do it.”
What is an open relationship?
Open relationships refer to any type of romantic relationship (dating, marriage, etc.) in which one or both parties aren’t exclusively sexually involved with each other or are open to exploring sexually together. Some people consider open relationships to be a type of polyamory, but more often the term “open relationship” is used to describe committed or otherwise closed partners that are open to other sexual connections. “When we think of an open relationship, a lot of people assume it’s a free-for-all. But the truth is that open relationships often have tons of structure — it’s just structure that the spouses have created together, tailored to their specific needs, rather than a blind acceptance of the normative structure that defines monogamous marriages,” sex educator Wendasha Jenkins Hall, Ph.D. tells Cosmopolitan.
There are a number of reasons why previously monogamous couples might explore a new relationship style -– what’s important is that both parties are happy with the arrangement. “Any time a couple decides to do anything of importance in their relationship, they need to make sure that they’re creating a win-win situation for both people,” couples and family therapist Gabrielle Usatynski tells Katie Couric Media. “This is what we call true mutuality. It’s good for me and good for you, and if it’s not good for one person, it’s not good for either, because we sink or swim together.” Whatever the reason for exploring new sexual boundaries with your partner, trust and open communication are the key to any successful open relationship.
Is opening up your relationship right for you?
If you’re considering opening up your relationship but don’t know if it’s right for you, it might be helpful to see what the experts have to say. For starters, you’ll want to decide and discuss the boundaries that both you and your partner have. While it may feel scary and intimidating to express your desires and show your vulnerable side, it’s important to take your time and be honest with your partner. “The key is communication. These relationship styles are all about being upfront and honest about what you want and what your needs and boundaries are. The most successful ones are those where people are on the same page,” sex and relationships therapist Renee Divine, L.M.F.T., tells Women’s Health.
If this sounds like an arrangement that you and your partner can manage, you might want to consider taking the leap. Open relationships of all kinds are a chance to explore your desires and widen your worldview on what love looks like. And remember, this should be a light and fun adventure for everyone involved –- so keep the communication open and fun as you figure things out. “No matter where on the spectrum couples decide to land, opening up your relationship will involve trial, error, and flexibility,” sex and dating coach Tennesha Wood tells TZR. “Open relationships can change and evolve and it’s important that couples openly communicate at every stage of the process and allow room for change.”
Love is one of the highest-impact subjects you can teach. Fortunately, it’s also one of the easiest to broach.
If you’re tempted to open up a discussion of romantic relationships with “no dating until you’re 30!” you wouldn’t be alone or entirely misguided. Throughout history, conventional wisdom held that fathers should teach their daughters about the perils of love, stop their potential ravishers at the door, and avenge their heartbreaks.
While your role has evolved, and dad jokes about scaring dates away are far past their prime, there are some real dangers you want to address. Identifying these risks can help your daughter recognize any potentially harmful patterns in her relationships and help her avoid or address them early on:
The risks of romantic relationships:
Loss of personal identity. Girls can become so wrapped up in their romantic relationships that they get distracted from schoolwork, let their friendships slip, and devote less focus to their own passions.
Emotional distress. Fights, disappointment, and heartbreak can send girls spiraling.
Risky sexual behavior. If girls’ relationships become intimate, there is the chance for risky sexual behavior to occur. Girls need to be educated about sexual health.
Dating violence. Dating violence, including sexual misconduct, is a matter of international concern.
The building blocks of healthy relationships.
Some of these building blocks may seem obvious, but you can’t take for granted that your daughter will figure them out easily. Telling her the basics can make a positive difference, saving her time and limiting confusion and heartache. Here are some characteristics of good relationships:
Partners feel happy and content in the relationship most of the time.
There are strong feelings of psychological safety and joy and low levels of drama and jealousy.
Partners feel accepted. They don’t feel pressured to change their appearance, values, hobbies, or other personal characteristics.
Partners maintain their personal identities and activities and stay focused on their individual goals and responsibilities, enjoying their relationship as just one part of their lives.
Partners communicate openly and directly to voice boundaries, build trust, and solve conflicts quickly.
Partners speak and act kindly to each other, boosting each other’s self-esteem.
Partners are not physically violent.
Partners end relationships respectfully.
Red flags in relationships.
Discussion of potential red flags also has an important place in this conversation. Here are some concerning signs your daughter should be aware of:
Feeling like a romantic partner is excessively jealous.
When a romantic partner acts controlling or tries to dictate what their significant other is allowed to do, where they can go, and who they can spend time with outside the relationship.
A partner feels guilty, like they can’t do anything right, or that they are “in trouble” with their romantic partner often.
Any type of physical violence or threat of violence.
Any type of sexual violence.
Girls’ common questions and concerns.
Why it seems like “everyone is in a relationship.”
Explain that for a lot of reasons, it might feel to your daughter like she is the only one not in a relationship. It’s easy to focus on what others have. A lot of movies depicting life in middle and high school focus on a love story, which makes it seem like having a relationship in your teens is something that needs to happen or should always happen. And romantic relationships are glorified and depicted in the music girls listen to and the Netflix shows they binge. Since our culture places so much value on relationships, it makes total sense she may feel like the only single person at one time or another.
Make sure she knows that most people have their first relationships after high school and that relationships don’t always happen on our timelines. Relationships are about connecting with the right person at the right time. And make sure she realizes that lots of people have the moment she is having, where they feel like they are the only one without a significant other. Her time to be with someone will happen, and it will be worth the wait.
With this approach, you are making her feel heard, honoring her feelings, and reassuring her while also offering her facts to back up a different point of view. She may not be in the mood to consider her situation from a different perspective, but she may come back to it later.
How to get into a relationship.
This is another common question for girls. Mention that relationships begin in all different ways. Help her see the benefit in spending time with people who make her happy and who make her feel relaxed and confident. Sometimes, girls focus on crushes who don’t have the same feelings or who are interested in other people. Encourage your daughter to really pay attention in these moments, noticing whether certain crushes and relationships actually make her happy. Explain that you can’t always choose the way you feel or who you are attracted to, but you always have the ability to change your focus to the people you feel comfortable around and who value you.
Things to say:
I love you.
Love is an important part of life.
Healthy relationships can be a fun and meaningful part of life.
It can feel like everyone else is in a relationship, but that isn’t the case.
Relationships should add to your sense of inner peace and confidence, not cause anxiety.
You should never feel like you have to change or be uncomfortable to make someone else happy.
Trust your gut feelings about someone.
Jealousy, controlling behaviors, and violence are not markers of authentic love.
Be truthful and kind in relationships.
Things to not say:
You’re not dating until you’re 30.
Relationships don’t matter right now; focus on your homework and friendships.
You’re too young to be in love.
You don’t know what love is.
Relationships never work out.
All men are dogs.
Questions to ask:
The topic of love and relationships comes up in a song, TV show, or movie. Ask:
Do you think the way they are talking about love is realistic?
Do you think the media sets healthy expectations for real-life relationships?
Do you think the media influences the way your friends view love and relationships? How?
Who do you think are the most realistic TV or movie couples? Why?
Your daughter and her friends are talking about crushes and/or significant others in your presence. Later on, ask:
Do you think most people you know in relationships are happy? Or do people get caught up in the drama?
Do you feel like your friends are always respectful and caring when talking about other people’s relationships?
What do you think are the best things about relationships right now?
What is most exciting to you about relationships?
Your daughter is in a relationship that seems positive. Ask:
What is your favorite thing about [name]?
Are there ways you feel that being in this relationship is helping you?
What do you feel like you’ve learned so far about relationships?
What are the ways you communicate best together?
Beyond the conversation: modeling healthy relational behaviors.
When it comes to teaching your daughter to recognize healthy relationships and incorporate healthy relationship strategies, the example you set is paramount. You don’t have to be perfect, but whenever possible, model the habits you hope your daughter will form, even in trying times. Show her what it means to treat loved ones with respect and resolve conflicts in caring ways. If you have a romantic partner, be mindful of cultivating healthy relationship dynamics together. Your daughter will notice and develop expectations for her relationships based in great part on your actions and behaviors.
Grooming is the process of normalizing inappropriate behavior between minors and adults.
If an adult tells you to keep secrets or starts giving you gifts out of nowhere, it may be a red flag.
It’s also not normal for an adult to want to spend lots of alone time with you or offer you alcohol.
If you’re a minor who’s encountering unusual behavior from an adult — like love bombing or asking to spend a lot of alone, you may be a victim of grooming.
“Grooming is a set of actions that an adult takes to subtly or overtly assert inappropriate control and power over a vulnerable person, like a child,” says Kyle Zrenchik, a licensed family and marriage therapist and co-owner of All In Therapy Clinic.
Adults groom to slowly normalize an abnormal relationship, manipulating the young person to believe that they’re safe, trustworthy, and that the nature of the relationship is normal –– when in reality it’s anything but that.
“The ultimate goal of grooming is abuse,” says Rachel Wright, a licensed marriage and family therapist and psychotherapist in private practice. This means a groomer may engage in sexual, physical, or emotional abuse. Or, they might even force their victim to do violent or illegal acts, Wright says.
Here are seven signs of grooming to be on the lookout for.
1. They’re taking a quick, significant interest in you and your life
Sure, it’s nice when someone’s interested in what’s going on in your life. However, it can be alarming if it’s excessive or coming out of nowhere.
Wright says that behaviors could indicate grooming are:
Texting or trying to contact you all the time
Making promises quickly
Giving you gifts out of nowhere
Groomers work very hard to befriend their victims and earn their trust, says Wright. By taking a lot of interest in you and weaseling their way into your life, they’re ultimately manipulating you and likely going to eventually start asking for something in return.
2. They tell you to keep secrets
If someone is sharing sensitive information with you or engaging in certain behaviors with you and telling you to keep it a secret, this could be indicative of grooming, says Zrenchik.
Zrenchik says a couple of examples of this could look like a groomer saying:
“Don’t tell your mom, but I think she’s really hard on you. You’re a better kid than that and you really deserve somebody who realizes how special and amazing you are…but don’t tell her I said that.”
“Don’t tell anybody that I rubbed your back. It’s just us being friends –– other people wouldn’t understand. So don’t tell them because they wouldn’t get it.”
3. They discuss inappropriate adult topics with you
Groomers may bring up unnecessary and inappropriate topics in conversation with you. Zrenchik says they may try to discuss:
Their intimate relationships
Their marriage
Sex
Or they might bring up topics that seem a bit more harmless, like problems at work or with friends, Zrenchik. But the problem lies within how heavily they rely on you for emotional support or comfort.
For example, they may try to excessively call you, cry to you, or ask for lots of hugs. You should not be responsible for taking care of an adult’s emotional needs, and if an adult makes you feel this way, it’s a big red flag.
“An adult is supposed to comfort a child –– not vice versa,” Zrenchik says.
4. They try to fulfill your needs
When someone is going out of their way to spend time with you and listen to you, it can certainly feel flattering, but ultimately, it’s a manipulation tactic by the groomer, says Zrenchik.
Wright says if you tell an adult that you’re struggling with something or that you have nobody else to talk to, they will use this opportunity to get closer to you. They may even go overboard showing up as your confidant.
“This person will make themselves readily available to be there to hear all the details so that you can confide in them. They get information, you bond to them. It’s a win-win…until it’s not,” Wright says.
Ultimately, it’s about getting you to rely on them for comfort: “In becoming reliant and trusting of this person, you wind up feeling brainwashed, doing things you wouldn’t typically do, and feel close to this person who has manipulated you,” Wright says.
5. They try to spend time alone with you
It’s common for groomers to try to get their victims alone so they can do and say things that they wouldn’t be able to around other adults, says Zrenchik. Additionally, this gives them a chance to feel it out and read how you respond to this behavior, testing the waters, so to speak.
The groomer may suggest this alone time in a way that seems innocuous, such as asking for help around their house, or saying they have an extra ticket to an event and no one to go with, Zrenchik says.
It’s easy for the line to be blurry here. A 2014 review states that some of this behavior —for example, a well-meaning mentor taking time to help you with an extracurricular interest — is not nefarious. But the review notes that groomers can use that to their advantage, making the scenario seem “normal” when it’s not.
But if someone is always trying to get you alone and insists that your parents or other adults don’t need to be there, it may be a way of isolating you.
“Abusers don’t want anyone figuring out what they’re doing so the less other people in the person their grooming’s life knows about them, the better. The isolation is about control,” Wright says.
6. They give you drugs or alcohol
If an adult is providing you with drugs or alcohol, this is a dangerous sign, says Zrenchik. According to a 2022 study, groomers use substances as a “tool” to aid in the abuse. This is because mind-altering substances can lower a victim’s inhibitions or their ability to consent.
Furthermore, this can be another attempt for the groomer to make the victim feel special, or even more grown-up, setting the stage for further abuse.
7. They’re touchy
While sexual touch is a more obvious sign of grooming or abuse, an adult might also engage in inappropriate touch by massaging or tickling you, Zrenchik says.
It’s common for groomers to start out with “innocent” touch in an effort to desensitize you to it, so they can later progress to more intense inappropriate touch.
Furthermore, according to the same 2014 review, it’s not unlikely for groomers to claim that their inappropriate touching is accidental.
Insider’s takeaway
Grooming is dangerous –– however, it isn’t always easy to spot when you’re a victim of it due to its often subtle nature. Be on the lookout for signs like attempts at alone time, adult conversations, or inappropriate touching. Trust your gut when you think something is wrong.
If you’re a minor and you think an adult is grooming you, it is imperative to distance yourself from the groomer and to tell a trusted adult, like a parent or school counselor, to prevent further abuse and stay safe.
For the past few years, mainstream society has been steadily moving toward a culture of sexual acceptance and pleasure celebration. While it’s great that wanting and having sex is becoming increasingly normalized, the idea of not wanting sex has started to become increasingly pathologized, which is not so great. In reality, both conditions can be true: People can naturally desire sex, and people can naturally have no interest in it. And equating sex with an instinctual “drive” doesn’t accurately capture that range.
To say that sex is not a drive, again, does not mean that people don’t naturally crave having it—because many of them do (more on how that works below). It just means that sex is not a drive in the way that a drive connotes an inherent human need for something. “Physiologically, drives are reserved for survival-related activities such as the need for oxygen, food, and water,” says gynecologist and sexual-medicine specialist Christie Cobb, MD. And we all know, you won’t die without sex, however much you might want it.
“Physiologically, drives are reserved for survival-related activities such as the need for oxygen, food, and water.”
—Christie Cobb, MD, gynecologist and sexual-medicine specialist
The strong degree of sexual yearning many people feel, though, may be the reason sex was first linked with the idea of a “drive”—back when sex was far more hush-hush than it is today, particularly outside the scope of marriage or for non-procreative reasons. “’Sex’ and ‘drive’ became associated in the late 1800s due to Sigmund Freud’s theory of infant sexuality, called ‘drive theory,’” says clinical psychologist and AASECT-certified sex therapist Lori Lawrenz, PsyD. Generally, his concept of the development of libido (his term from a Latin word for desire and lust) included the idea of being driven to have sex, she says.
It is true that people are driven to have sex, in a colloquial sense, which is perhaps why the idea of a “sex drive” has become so popular in the zeitgeist. But, it’s crucial to clarify what someone means when they are talking of their sex drive, says Dr. Lawrenz. “Are they driven to have sex like they are driven to succeed at work?” she says. Because, in that case, drive might be an apt term.
Still, just as it’s normal to lack a drive to excel at work, it’s also normal to not have a “drive” for sex, which is why sexual “desire” is often a more accurate term than “drive.” “The desire for sex is a motivational system,” says Dr. Cobb, differentiating it from the physiological undertone of a “drive.” “With that motivation for sex often comes a reward, which reinforces the cycle.”
If sex is not a drive, then why are some people motivated to have it?
Sex can certainly be a natural desire, if not technically a drive. And generally, that occurs in two ways: spontaneous and responsive. The first is likely what you associate with libido or a sex “drive” that seems randomly (ahem, spontaneously) generated: It’s that feeling of horniness that makes you want to jump someone’s bones (or bring yourself to climax) for no apparent reason. Because libido has been widely depicted this way in pop culture, it’s easy to assume that this is the only “normal” way to experience sexual desire, and that there’s something wrong with you if you don’t typically or ever feel this random sexual fervor.
But in reality, the other type of desire—responsive desire—is not only just as valid, but also may be more common in folks with female sex organs. This refers to having a desire for sex in response to physical arousal or other motivations, like a yearning to be more intimate with a partner. And the simple fact that sexual desire is often only incited in this way, through external factors, is another key reason why sex is not inherently a drive.
How the concept of a “sex drive” excludes people on the asexuality spectrum
Though a “drive” isn’t quite an accurate term to describe how and why people get turned on, it also implies that humans need to have sex, in the way that they need food or water. Not only is this inaccurate, but also, it erases the existence of a category of people who do not often or ever want sex.
“People who do not experience much if any sexual attraction may identify as asexual,” says Dr. Cobb. But, this doesn’t preclude people on the asexuality spectrum from having an interest in romance or intimacy. “Plenty of asexual people are in healthy committed relationships, but their attraction is just not sex-based,” she adds.
“There is nothing wrong with existing on the asexuality spectrum.”
—Dr. Cobb
This is also not emblematic of an underlying sexual dysfunction, either, as the person who’s identifying as asexual does not experience any distress with regard to their lack of sexual desire. “An asexual person is accepting of their experience of being a person with minimal to no sexual desire,” says Dr. Lawrenz, “whereas someone with hypoactive sexual desire disorder, as characterized by the DSM-5, experiences it as a problem to not have the desire for sex.”
In the latter case, where a person is experiencing distress about the fact that they lack sexual desire, there are certainly treatment options, including sex therapy, psychotherapy, and medication, which can help rev up libido. But in the former case of simply on the asexuality spectrum, the issue is not a pathology and, in turn, does not need to be “treated,” says Dr. Cobb: “There is nothing wrong with existing on the asexuality spectrum.” And if that’s you, know that you’re not lacking some sort of natural human “drive.”
The only reason why asexuality seems to be such an “abnormal” or pathological identity is because it comprises a very small percentage of the population, says Dr. Cobb, “so most people are living with different sexual expectations [than those of asexual people].” Given that many allosexual folks (aka people who do experience sexual desire) equate sex with romance and intimacy, it’s important for asexual people to communicate their needs and boundaries with any romantic partner in order to ensure that their expectations for having—and not having—sex are known and respected.
Sexual freedom and exploration can be one of the most exciting parts of the transition to college life: Living on campus can put you in a hyper-horny environment in which the things you’ve only wondered or fantasized about are now possibilities to explore. As exhilarating as that may sound, though, it can also be a bit overwhelming—especially if you’re new to living on your own or starting to be sexually active for the first time.
Not to kill the mood, but much like coming up with a studying schedule can help you achieve academic success, making a plan for your sexual health is one of the best ways to set yourself up for a satisfying college sex life. After all, when you prioritize your sexual well-being, you have more control over what unfolds, which can make for more positive experiences (in the short and long term).
And even if you’re not sexually active, sexual health is a part of your overall health, so it’s important to take care of it regardless—whether you’re not having sex or can’t wait to have as much sex as possible. Here, we asked sexual health experts for their best advice for the newly-minted undergrad.
1. Prioritize pleasure as you explore your sexuality.
Sexual education is seriously lacking in most states (only 20 require that high school curriculums include information on contraception use, for example, per the Guttmacher Institute). And even if you consider yourself well-educated regarding stuff like preventing pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, that alone won’t necessarily make for a satisfying sex life. “Even if you did get sex ed, it was probably about how sex will kill you, not that sex should feel good,” Jennifer Lincoln, MD, a board-certified ob-gyn practicing in Portland, Oregon, tells SELF.
When it comes to sexual pleasure, talking to your partner about what feels good to you (and them) is essential, says Dr. Lincoln. And getting curious about your own body through masturbation can also help you discover what gets you off, Lee Phillips, PhD, a licensed sex therapist who practices in New York City, tells SELF. Solo sex sessions are a great way to figure out what types of stimulation you prefer, he says, whether you plan to get another person involved in your pleasure or not.
2. Find out what types of sexual-health support are available on-campus.
Access to a campus health center or clinic is usually included in your annual fees, for example, but some schools may bill through your parents’ health insurance. The clinic may be taking new patients, or it might be difficult to get an appointment. Your college might offer free on-campus testing for sexually transmitted infections (STIs), annual ob-gyn visits, emergency contraceptives, and abortion care, or they might not have any of these services. You can ask a rep at student services or your campus health center to find out what’s available to you.
Regardless of whether you get care through your college, a local Planned Parenthood clinic, or another provider who isn’t associated with your campus, you’ll also probably want to know how your provider handles information you might like kept confidential, like prescriptions for birth control, says Dr. Lincoln. For example, even though you have a legal right to medical privacy, your parents might get statements that show you visited an ob-gyn if you go through their insurance for the visit. Dr. Lincoln says you can ask your provider what types of information the insured party might get in the mail and notes that a Planned Parenthood or campus-based clinic is more likely to be discreet.
If you live in a dorm, your resident assistant may also have some answers to your questions about your school’s sexual-health services, including those that are specific to the LGBTQ+ community. For example, at least 149 colleges and universities offer insurance plans that cover hormones and gender-affirming surgeries for transitioning students, according to data collected by the nonprofit Campus Pride.
And even if you aren’t sexually active at the moment, it’s a good idea to get familiar with the health care services you have available so that you feel comfortable using them if and when you need them. If you have a vagina, it’s particularly important to have a provider to speak to when you suspect that you have an infection, such as bacterial vaginosis, a yeast infection, or a UTI, as you’ll want to get speedy treatment.
3. If you want to avoid pregnancy, decide on a contraception plan.
Using a condom during sex can significantly reduce your odds of getting an STI or becoming pregnant—with perfect use, they’re effective at pregnancy prevention 98% of the time. But user error is common: In a 2017 analysis of contraceptive failure published in Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, condoms had, on average, a 13% failure rate over the span of one year. In other words, if you’re having the kind of sex that can lead to pregnancy, ideally, you’ll have a backup method of birth control.
Choosing a birth control method can be daunting, though, since there are so many options available, says Dr. Lincoln. Your best bet is to do a little research beforehand so that you have an idea of what method would work best for you. “It’s important to go to legitimate sources, and not TikTok, which can scare you off just about every birth control option,” Dr. Lincoln says. She points out that experiences with birth control that you might see on social media are pretty much like online business reviews: People only share “if it’s really awesome or really horrible.”
Dr. Lincoln recommends FindMyMethod and Bedsider.org as sites to consult as you start your research. Once you’ve compiled a list of pros, cons, and potential side effects for a few birth control options, you’ll be more empowered for a conversation with your provider.
4. Understand when to get tested for STIs.
STIs can be an unfortunate part of being sexually active. That’s true even if you aren’t engaging in penetrative sex of any kind. If body fluids like saliva, semen, or vaginal secretions are getting swapped, your risk of infection will never be zero, Kristen Mark, PhD, a professor of family medicine and community health at the University of Minnesota Medical School’s Institute for Sexual and Gender Health, tells SELF.
The National Institute of Health (NIH) points out that many STIs don’t have any obvious symptoms, so there’s often no way to tell if you’ve got one. Whether you’re between partners, engaging with a new partner, or have never been tested before, if you’re sexually active, STI testing should be part of your health care routine, says Dr. Mark.
You can visit your campus clinic or go to your general practitioner or ob-gyn to get tested for STIs. If a test is positive, your health care provider will talk you through your treatment options. You may need to take a course of antibiotics to clear things up, in the case of bacterial infections like chlamydia and gonorrhea, or begin antiviral medication to reduce your symptoms from viral infections like HIV or genital herpes. You’ll also be advised to contact any recent sexual partners to let them know they should get tested as well—it might not be the sexiest conversation, but it’s the right thing to do.
5. Know how to give and receive consent.
It sucks that we even have to talk about this, but sexual assault regularly happens on college campuses. One in five women in college experience some form of sexual assault, according to the United States Office on Women’s Health, and it’s more likely to occur within the first two semesters of campus living. LGBTQ+ students are also at a higher risk than their straight peers. You don’t have to live in fear, but having an emergency plan for unwanted sexual activity is an important part of sexual self-care, says Dr. Lincoln.
Start with a baseline definition of what consent really means. Planned Parenthood uses the acronym “FRIES” as an easy device for defining it: Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific. That means that if you’re feeling cornered by someone who intimidates you, that’s not consent. Agree to one type of sexual activity but then your partner tries to do something else you’re not into? That’s also not consensual.
Scarleteen has a great guide for navigating consent that clears up any confusion and gives practical tips for giving and receiving consent in a realistic, less awkward way. For example, you can phrase your enthusiasm in sexy terms—as in, “Don’t stop!” or “This feels so right”—or assure consent by framing your desires as questions (“I really want to do X sexual thing—do you want to do that too?”).
Of course, the sad and infuriating reality is that knowing what consent means isn’t always enough to help you avoid nonconsensual situations. That’s why Dr. Mark highly recommends keeping contact information in your phone for a few people you can call if you experience sexual assault or otherwise find yourself in a sexually unsafe situation—think supportive friends you can trust, your resident assistant, or your campus security officers. You can also get 24/7 confidential crisis support from a trained staff member at RAINN by calling 800-656-HOPE or using the organization’s online hotline.
6. Have a plan for when things don’t go according to plan.
Dr. Lincoln recommends having emergency contraception (EC), like Plan B (available over the counter) or Ella (which requires a prescription), on hand as well. “That way, if something happens on a Saturday night, you’re not waiting until Monday afternoon because that’s when your campus medical office opens,” Dr. Lincoln says.
It’s also important to know the abortion laws in your state and figure out where the nearest abortion clinic is. You can ask a provider or rep at your student health center which EC and abortion care options are available to you (and how and where to access them). You should also consider stocking up on cheap pregnancy tests so you can act quickly on a positive result if you need to.
7. Consider your mental health as a part of your sexual health.
Sexual relationships—or a lack thereof—can have a major impact on your mental health in college. Whether you’re dealing with a partner who’s throwing up red flags, sexual violence, behavior you regret, or just the general angst and uncertainty that can come with pursuing romantic relationships as a young adult, having a neutral third party to talk to can be incredibly helpful.
If you’re struggling with any aspect of your sexual health (including gender identity, body image, peer pressure to have sex, domestic abuse, or a sexual assault), talking to a mental health professional can help you navigate your struggles so you can feel better—mentally and physically. Your college most likely has mental health services or a counseling center available, even if you don’t live on campus. If the counseling center is booked, you can ask a rep if there are other services available in your immediate area or how to access a telehealth provider.
8. Finally, make some friends you don’t want to sleep with.
You may be revved up and ready to have all your sexual fantasies fulfilled during your college years, but the most important relationships you form on campus may end up being platonic. Both Dr. Lincoln and Dr. Mark say that building a community of friends is a form of sexual self-care.
Dr. Phillips recommends joining several on-campus groups or organizations if you’re having trouble finding your people. And Dr. Mark suggests talking about your specific sexual boundaries, expectations, and anxieties with your pals when no one is under the influence of any substance. That way, you’ll have someone who can check in with you if you’re, say, tipsy at a party and hanging out with an ex you insisted you didn’t want to hook up with.
Finally, have patience with yourself if there’s a bit of a learning curve while you figure all this sexual-health stuff out. As Dr. Mark points out, all major life transitions are hard, and becoming independent—sexually and otherwise—as a college student is a big one.
The Discovery+true crime series House of Hammer, detailing the allegations surrounding Call Me By Your Name actor Armie Hammer, has raised a lot of questions about Shibari and Kinbaku, BDSM, kink, and ethics. The series, which opens with Hammer (who has denied these allegations) detailing his love of Japanese rope bondage, has also made some monumental mishaps in explaining how certain kinks and scenes within the BDSM community actually work. The series doesn’t ever address what these kinks actually are, or their important connection to Japan’s history and culture. Disappointed but not surprised.
Viewers of House of Hammer will understandably have questions about Shibari and Kinbaku, but those shouldn’t be answered by someone accused of committing acts of sexual violence. There are dangerous implications with allowing Hammer, an alleged abuser, to define and discuss any form of BDSM — and to conflate consensual sexual practice with abuse “Members of the BDSM community are already frequently let down, misinterpreted, and inaccurately portrayed in the media.” Members of the BDSM community are already frequently let down, misinterpreted, stigmatised, and inaccurately portrayed in the media, with many speaking out against titles like Bonding, How to Build a Sex Room, and Fifty Shades of Grey for tying problematic ideas to kink.
In reality, the BDSM community centres play of any kind around consent, respect and communication. And that’s especially true with Shibari.
What is Shibari?
Shibari, sometimes called Japanese rope bondage or “kinbaku” is a modern form of rope bondage which originated in Japan. The term “shibari” means “tying” and “kinbaku” means “tight binding.” The two are used interchangeably, and refer to the same type of play. Put simply, Shibari involves tying someone up with ropes. Sometimes this involves sex, with couples tying each other into certain positions and sometimes the fun is just about the tying itself. But historically, it’s been used as a form of meditation, relaxation, and trust-building practice between two people.
Sexologist Midori, author of Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage and founder of Planet Midori, tells Mashable: “It originated as an underground form of culturally specific erotic fantasy play, enjoyed by ordinary people, which centers on erotic nostalgia.”
She explains that the practice is embedded in Japan’s ancient history. “In the same way that kinky people of European heritage have incorporated shackles into their sex, based on historic captivity measures, Japanese folks found inspiration in captured maidens.” Only, in Japan’s history, the restraint of choice was rope.
But today, Japan, Shibari is enjoyed by consenting adults in their private sex lives, as well as stage performances in kink-themed bars, and of course in porn. And it’s catching on in the West too, with kink and fetish clubs in the United Kingdom and mainland Europe embracing Shibari in play. It’s even got a thriving TikTok community.
Why are people into Shibari?
Midori explains that she personally loves Shibari because it’s so flexible, both literally and figuratively. “Shibari fits all bodies, and [the rope] can be woven into the process of creating a vast range of scenes and moods. It’s adaptive as you can adjust and change it to suit all body types, physical conditions, and experience levels. You don’t need to be flexible to enjoy shibari – you just need to be clear about what works and doesn’t work for your body on that day,” she tells Mashable.
Marika Leila Roux, co-founder and creative director of Shibari Study, who offer Shibari classes, says “Shibari is a way of communicating through rope and that makes it magical. It’s not just about memorising certain patterns or knots; instead, shibari allows you to use things like how you handle your rope and different ways of using speed, tension and tempo to create different sensations and even emotions for your partner (or yourself).” She says that using rope in a way that’s playful, sensual, tender and a little challenging can help us examine our needs, desires and intentions as well as those of our partners.
How do I get started with Shibari?
Shibari isn’t something you can jump into head first without doing some required reading, learning and pre-sex communication first. It does literally involve rope after all, so safety is an important consideration.
Marika explains that the most important thing to learn when getting started is general safety, which is why Shibari Study offers a safety course for free. So, Shibari newbies, it’s time to crack out the books and maybe take a class or two. Marika says you should “invest serious effort into grasping the basic techniques. No one is going to master Shibari overnight, nor should they try to. I always recommend a ‘low and slow’ integration method.”
Thorough communication about wants, desires, boundaries and what you’re looking to get out of Shibari with any potential partners are also crucial before, during and after every Shibari session.
“There will always be some sort of risk when playing with ropes,” Marika notes, “but as long as you do your research and communicate clearly with your partners, you should be able to mitigate these risks and create a fun and enriching experience. Take the time to establish and update your own personal risk profile — an evaluation of an individual’s willingness and ability to take risks and what they are comfortable with and be transparent with whoever you are tying with,” she adds.
Midori says that in terms of equipment, beginners should start with cotton rope as it’s softer on the skin and it’s easier to clean up. “Start with shorter ropes, as they’re easier to handle. Super long ropes can get tangled up, be hard to handle, and just increase frustrations for the person tying and boredom for the person waiting to be tied.”
“Always have a set of safety scissors nearby when playing too,” she adds. “Sometimes knots simply get too tight to undo easily, or the person being tied up might want to get out quickly.”
She also recommends steering steadily into the world of complicated positions. While you’re still a beginner, and certainly during your first time, don’t try anything too crazy. “Start with your most favourite sex position, and try to tie your partner, or have them tie you, into that shape,” she says. She recommends starting with an easy, gentle placement too. “Tie the right wrist to the right thigh and the left wrist to the left thigh. If the partner is a bit more flexible, try wrists to ankles.” But don’t do anything too complicated on the first go, and don’t tie near the neck and head so the person being restrained can still breathe.
Is it cultural appropriation to do Shibari if I’m not Japanese?
Midori explains that, outside of Japan, in the past decade or so, Shibari has gone viral. With that increase in popularity, came some criticism of Westernised interpretations of the craft, along with “particular narratives about Shibari’s history.”
“Shibari is a noble and complex art form, passed down from the samurai, taught today from master to acolyte,” Midori explains. “Others claim that Shibari is a respected art form and spiritual practice in Japan. These narratives, however, are unfortunately deeply problematic as they are another form of ‘othering’, Orientalism, and out-of-context cultural appropriation.”
“For people who don’t buy into those problematic narratives today, they can enjoy Shibari as part of their own variation of kinky bondage play,” she assures. “Is Shibari a spiritual practice in Japan? No. Might some Shibari lovers in Japan and the rest of the world find moments of emotional catharsis in Shibari? Sure. Do some of these folks make it their own form of spiritual exploration? Yes.” But she stresses that this isn’t unique to Shibari. It’s been so for people who enjoy other forms of kink, such as leather bondage, flogging, ordeal play, and dominance and submission — to name a few.
“Shibari is about consensually tying each other up for fun and sexual pleasure.” She also adds that the social media side of Shibari can purposely make Shibari ropes look overly complex, but if it suits you, Shibari beginners are welcome to tie whatever ropes they can manage, and giggle their way through the process. It doesn’t have to be a serious situation. “You don’t have to study and master complex forms that might not even be healthy for you or your partner’s body. A few basic ties and maybe a simple body harness [which you can learn from coaches online or in a beginner’s Shibari class] is fine, good, and hot for most people.”
Ultimately, Shibari is about consensually tying each other up for fun and sexual pleasure. “It shouldn’t be intimidating or aggravating,” she says.
Despite certain documentaries and their perception of play, people who play with Shibari centre their experiences around communication, respect and consent, be it about BDSM or the rope work alone. It should go without saying, but Shibari should never be used to abuse someone. Though it’s derived from images of captivity, the practice is a far cry from this. Shibari is an art form with a rich history, and a fun, experimental present. If you want to be a part of it, seek out a qualified coach to show you the ropes, a trusted partner, and let out your spicy side.
From literal “eduporn” to scientifically-backed demonstrations.
By Mashable SEA
In the United States, sex education is pretty poor; some states don’t require it at all. Because of this, porn often replaces proper sex education — which is a disservice to everyone.
Porn is a filmed performance. Everyone is positioned so all is on display, so sexual acts often look different than they do in real life (cunnilingus is just one example — givers don’t stick their entire tongue out IRL!). Most of the time, porn doesn’t show the intimacy, variety, and awkwardness that real sex has.
If you’re an adult and feel like your bedroom knowledge is lacking, you’re not alone — and there are resources tailor-made for you. They happen to be NSFW in that they show naked bodies and talk about sexy topics, but they’re not exactly what you’d find on Pornhub, either. Here are five NSFW sites to teach you what porn didn’t.
Cost: US$2.99 for a day, US$9.99/month, or US$69 for a year (US$5.75/month)
Who’s it for: People who want to watch porn and learn
Women-owned ethical porn site Afterglow has a series within the site called Eduporn. As the title may suggest, it’s the most porn-like of this list and incorporates explicit scenes along with tips. Your teachers are adult performers themselves, so they entertain as well as educate.
There are various “how to” eduporns to choose from on Afterglow, like how to have sex when you have a disability and how to have sex outdoors. It’s less technical than the subsequent options, but these go into practical tips on exploring sex. There are also some basics, such as “how to hook up” and “how to have sex with a woman.”
For those interested, Afterglow has straight-up porn options as well; the price includes the whole site, not just Eduporn.
Cost: US$24.99/month if billed monthly, US$16.67/month or US$199.99 if billed annually
Who’s it for: People who want an extensive menu of sexy topics to dig into
Beducated is like a Coursera for sex; there’s a wide range of modules that dive deep into topics, not single videos. When you sign up, you list your sexual interests (and what you don’t want to see, which is a nice touch) and your demographics (age, sexuality, and relationship status). From there, you can explore sections like recommended for you, most popular, and based on interests you picked when signing up.
Beducated has modules for all types of activities, from learning basic sexual acts like cunnilingus and fellatio, to education on emotional wellbeing like how to navigate non-monogamy, to more advanced teachings like around kink and BDSM.
Who’s it for: People who want researched approaches to sex and tantra
Climax is a video-based platform that breaks down vulva pleasure techniques based on scientific research. Climax pulled together insights from 74 sexual health and pleasure studies for their first two seasons, on external and internal pleasure respectively. Climax also conducted a survey of around 100 cis women and interviewed sex therapists and tantra teachers. The latter is especially helpful for their third season, all about tantra exercises.
Each season is a series of videos with different pleasure techniques. While not very porn-y, you do see a lot of vulva. For the scientifically inclined, Climax regularly includes statistics from their third-party research and surveys.
Who’s it for: People who want a scientific approach to learning about pleasuring vulvas
In partnership with Indiana University and the Kinsey Institute, OMGYES conducted a large-scale study — a staggering 20,000 women, ages 18 to 95 — to understand specific techniques that are pleasurable to vulvas. These techniques are distilled into three seasons (as of this publication): essentials, inner pleasure, and toy techniques. Within each season are a breakdown of pleasure techniques, with SFW explainer and NSFW demonstration videos and written descriptions. For many of these techniques, there are also research statistics and illustrated diagrams, and sometimes even video stimulations that you can “pleasure” with your computer mouse.
OMGYES has given me names for techniques I myself enjoy, and proves that I’m not alone in techniques. You will see lots of vulvas and breasts, but OMGYES is pretty scientific in nature.
Who’s it for: Straight cis-men or anyone who wants to learn more about vulvas and “sex hacking”
Kenneth Play is a sex educator and “hacker” whose expertise has been cited in Mashable. Sex Hacker Pro has the highest price point of this list and very much geared towards straight cis men learning about how to please their cis women partners. The beginning of the course, for example, goes over vulva anatomy and orgasms. Even if you’re not cishetero, though, there’s plenty of great information here beyond the basics like the neuroscience of sex and how mindfulness plays a part as well.
Play takes a no-nonsense approach when going over the fundamentals and delving into pleasure “hacks” like tantra and kink. Play himself and various partners demonstrate these sex moves like oral, anal, and squirting.
If you want to brush up on or improve your skills in the bedroom, try these sites instead of Pornhub.
For those unfamiliar with the term, BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. But it goes far beyond those acts, and more broadly stands as an umbrella term for a wide array of sexual behaviors, play, and relationships that center on power and control.
“It involves playing around with and often subverting power dynamics,” sex educator and pro-domme Goddexx Haru tells Them. “It’s consensual, meaning all parties understand what they’re getting into and communicate throughout to make sure that everyone feels okay during and after a scene.”
As with all umbrella terms, BDSM is open-ended and ever-evolving. It can include a variety of acts and behaviors, from pain play to bondage to humiliation, and has expanded to capture the multiplicity of ways that consenting adults explore power dynamics. People may also engage in more immersive forms of play like lifestyle BDSM, a practice in which people integrate kink into their daily life from small things like being expected to clean the house for their dom(me) to wearing a leash and being walked around the block by their dom(me).
Have you ever fantasized about having your partner tie you up or smack your butt during sex? Maybe you’ve thought more than once about telling your partner what to do, inside and outside of the bedroom. If so, certain aspects of BDSM may be right up your alley. However, you may still have concerns before diving into the world of kink.
Bondage: The most well-known kind of bondage is being tied up by or tying up a partner with handcuffs, ropes, tape, or other materials, such as belts. Other forms of bondage include using restraints like latex masks, ball gags, genital cages, and other equipment. The act of binding your partner or being bound during play are ways to experiment with power dynamics and trust.
Discipline: In the context of sex, discipline involves one person conditioning another person to behave to their liking through rewards and punishment. This look like many acts, such as slapping a sub for moaning or making noise during sex to pleasuring a sub for begging for a specific sexual act.
Domination: Acts through which a dominant, or dom(me) for short, controls their submissive, or sub. Domination can include inflicting pain, using verbal insults, and other forms of conditioning. This can look like a dom(me) hitting a sub, using tools like floggers, and demeaning them.
Submission: Submission refers to acts wherein a submissive succumbs to the will of their dom(me). Subs may show their dominant they’re in control by verbally affirming their dom(me), pleasuring their dom(me) by doing sexual acts they enjoy, or allowing their dom(me) to inflict pain on them.
Sadism: Sadism is when one experiences sexual pleasure by inflicting physical pain or humiliating another person. For example, a dom(me) may get off on hitting their partner or inflicting other forms of physical pain on them through biting, cutting, or whipping.
Masochism: Masochism is when one feels sexual pleasure from being subjected to pain or experiencing humiliation. Subs may experience sexual gratification from being hit or bound by their dom(me) or being insulted and degraded.
These are phrases that describe interpersonal dynamics between consenting parties; some people prefer to be in control (dominating others), while others may prefer to give control to others (being submissive).
How BDSM looks in practice depends on the wants, needs, and comforts of all involved. Some people choose to engage in bondage only, while some hate the feeling of restraint but want to explore impact play. Some others might hate pain but love the feeling of losing control. BDSM is a spectrum that everyone can interact with in their own way, whether privately at home with their partners, at kink clubs, or with professional dom(me)s, making the possibilities endless and exciting.
“To me, BDSM is an umbrella term for many different kinks, dynamics, fetishes, etc,” Carly S., a pleasure educator for Spectrum Boutique, tells Them. “Having my own kinks outside of vanilla sex brought me to the scene. It’s also really empowering to find a community of like-minded perverts. You can much more easily find play partners, friends, or more when you find the part of the community you vibe with the most.”
What types of BDSM are there?
People often assume I’m uber-masculine just because I’m a Dom. There’s way more to me underneath the leather.
Having read this far, you can see why this is a difficult question to answer. While the initialism of BDSM stands for certain words, the umbrella nature of the community extends to cover such a vast ground of kink and play that it would be impossible to list all the types.
“Oh, there’s too many ways to engage with BDSM to even count honestly,” Fucktoy Felix (link NSFW), a queer porn performer, tells Them. “Some people are more into the bondage. Some people are more into the discipline and control. Some people emphasize the dynamic between dominance and submission more, for others it’s all about pain play with sadism and masochism. A lot of people blend a lot of these. There’s also a lot of kink and fetish content that lies outside what most would consider ‘BDSM’ altogether.”
Basically, there are as many ways to play with BDSM as there are leaves under the sun. Some examples include:
Shibari: An artistic form of bondage that originated in Japan, consisting of a partner tying up their submissive with colorful ropes in intricate patterns.
Pain Play: Sex that involves intentional pain inflicted by a partner or yourself. This can include spanking, biting, hitting, and scratching, among other acts that involve tools like whips, floggers, and paddles.
Humiliation: Degrading a partner and attacking their self-worth through insults and sometimes psychological torture. It is often paired with physical aspects of BDSM such as bondage or pain play.
Lifestyle BDSM: The act of involving BDSM in your everyday life, not just your bedroom. Lifestyle BDSM can range from having a partner tell you how to dress and what to order at a restaurant to being locked in a kennel when your dom(me) is away.
Sometimes BDSM doesn’t even need to include sex or sexual activities. “Since BDSM is really an umbrella term for a lot of different kinks and fetishes, there are equally as many variations in how people play,” Carly says. “For example, some scenes might not involve sex at all, and others might be focused on sexual activities.”
Don’t let the stereotypical depictions of BDSM in films like 50 Shades of Gray deter you from thinking your particular interests aren’t part of the umbrella. “On film, I tend to do heavy bondage including suspensions, unusual forms of punishment such as waterboarding or more traditional corporal, etc. but there’s an extremely short list of people I trust to perform those kinds of acts with,” Charlotte Sartre, an adult performer and director for Kink.com, tells Them. “At home, I’m absolutely submissive to my current partner, but I’m not being hung by my ankles and electrocuted in my free time.”
How do I set boundaries before getting started? What are safewords?
As always, you should talk with whoever you are going to engage in BDSM with beforehand. Have a chat about your shared desires, your hard boundaries, boundaries you feel like you can push, and ways you would like to communicate during sex. That could include choosing a safeword to say if you need to stop sexual activities, or using something like the traffic light system, where you check in by saying “green” to go ahead, “yellow” to slow down on an act, and “red” to stop sex altogether.
“Safewords are a great way to set boundaries and have an easy way to communicate, especially if you are having difficulty expressing yourself in the moment,” Carly tells Them.
Also, it’s always good to do your research. Goddexx Haru suggests talking to your partner(s) about what you enjoy, what they enjoy, what you want to explore, and any boundaries you may have in regards to specific BDSM acts like bondage or humiliation.
“Set boundaries to make sure no one is ever doing something they don’t want to be doing,” Goddex Haru tells Them. “I’d recommend doing some reading on BDSM or going to classes if you have any dungeons near you, especially if you’re interested in edgeplay, or play that’s a little riskier like knifeplay, erotic asphyxiation, or 24/7 power play.”
While not all people who engage in BDSM are queer and not all queer and trans people engage in BDSM, the two communities have historically overlapped in significant ways. For example, men’s leather bars and communities — which many consider to be under the umbrella of BDSM — became important havens for LGBTQ+ people in the 1940s and beyond. The intertwined nature of kink and LGBTQ+ communities continues to be a debate to this day, as discourse about whether or not kinksters belong at Pride emerges every June like clockwork.
Let’s celebrate the contributions the kink and BDSM communities have made towards LGBTQ+ liberation.
So the answer is no, not all BDSM is queer. However, because BDSM dynamics are viewed as a non-normative relationship to sex, its roots alongside and within the LGBTQ+ rights movement run deep.
Goddexx Haru recommends reading Ties that Bind by Guy Baldwin M.S. to anyone who wants to learn more about the history of BDSM in the LGBTQ+ community and issues specific to queerness and BDSM.
How do I get started with BDSM play?
Research is always always a great place to start. Figure out what you want out of BDSM, figure out how to express those wants, whether to a partner you already have in mind or to a new person, and see if there are any BDSM classes nearby. It’s incredibly important that you trust whoever you are engaging in BDSM with. Don’t be afraid to wait to explore further until you are comfortable.
“Do what feels natural, don’t be afraid to speak up and ask questions. And there is a wealth of information online, from books to classes,” Sartre recommends. “Attend local events to network with people. Try things with a trusted person but take as much time as you need to develop that trust.”
Figuring out what aspects of BDSM you like and which you would rather avoid is crucial to having a good time and feeling comfortable and safe. An important part of understanding what you like is also tapping into why you want to engage in BDSM in the first place. Like the wide spectrum of sexual acts and dynamics that BDSM encompasses, there are an array of reasons why people engage in them, and figuring out what’s driving you to explore BDSM can help you understand what you hope to get out of it.
“Many of my clients use BDSM as a way to have sex that feels safe after experiencing sexual trauma, as a way to take back control over the situation,” Goddexx Haru says. “I also especially enjoy genderplay — playing around with different gendered labels and expressions during sex can be a really powerful way to explore your gender and sexuality. As a trans person, I find that playing around with the gendered ways I refer to my body and self can feel like a way to take back control and autonomy over my body and the ways that the world tries to label it.”
Ultimately, BDSM can help you tap into another part of your identity, help you be more present during sex, or just have a fun time. Engage with BDSM on your own level. Build up your comfort with other partners, or work with a professional dom(me) or sub if you want someone with more experience. It’s an expansive subculture that allows you the freedom to relate to it however you wish.
From left: Alyson Nordstrom, Lily Swain, Emma Rose Smith and Paige Buckley, all 17, formed a group called Teens For Reproductive Rights in Tennessee in response to Roe’s fall.
Sweating in the sun, two dozen teenagers spread themselves across picnic blankets in a grassy park and prepared to discuss the facts of life they never learned in school.
Behind them on a folding table, bouquets of pamphlets offered information teachers at school would never share — on the difference between medical and surgical abortions, and how to get them. Beside the pamphlets sat items adults at school would never give: pregnancy tests and six-packs of My Way Emergency Contraceptive.
Emma Rose Smith, 17, rose from the blankets, tucked her pale-blonde hair behind her ears and turned off the music on a small, black speaker. She faced the assembled high-schoolers, all members of her newfound group, Teens for Reproductive Rights, and began talking about the nonprofit Abortion Care Tennessee. Her words hitched at first, then tumbled in a rush.
“A little bit about them,” Emma Rose said, “is they’re an organization that funds people’s abortions if they can’t afford it. Also, by the way, there’s another organization that we can also talk about later, when we give you guys, like, resources, that actually does free mail-in abortion pills.”
Twelve days after the teens’ picnic, abortion would become illegal in Tennessee, a measure made possible by the Supreme Court’s June decision, in Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization,overturning Roe v. Wade. The students wouldn’t hear anything about it in school: State law does not require sex education, and it holds that schools in areas with high pregnancy rates must offer “family life education” focused on abstinence.
Listen to the Tennessee teens describe their experiences of sex education.
Post-Roe, the teens in the park had decided, this lack of education was no longer acceptable. They are part of a burgeoning movement of high-schoolers nationwide who, after Roe’s fall, are stepping up to demand more comprehensive lessons on reproduction, contraception and abortion — and who, if the adults refuse, are teaching each other instead.
And in Virginia, 15-year-old Rivka Vizcardo-Lichter is organizing demonstrations outside school board meetings to pressure the Fairfax County district to offer students information about reproductive health clinics, more detailed lessons on contraceptive methods other than abstinence (it already includes the basics, but she wants more) — and access to contraception.
“Teenagers are teenagers, and some teenagers are going to have sex,” she said. “They need to be educated on how to protect themselves from unwanted pregnancies and STIs [sexually transmitted infections] and sexual risk — especially if we’re removing the right to … choose whether or not you’re having a baby.”
What students actually learn in the classroom varies by district and even by teacher, said Laura Lindberg, a public health professor at Rutgers University who has studied sex education in the United States for three decades. But it is often “too little too late,” she said. Her researchsuggests that less than half of U.S. teens receive instruction on where to get birth control before having sex for the first time, and she noted that the teen birthrate in the United States — 16.7 births per 1,000 females in 2019 — is consistently among the highest in the developed world, though it has been declining in recent years.
In the Tennessee park, Emma Rose scrolled her thumb down her phone screen, squinting at the glare, to read off details of upcoming advocacy: An outdoor concert to raise money for pro-abortion groups. A protest at the Tennessee Capitol on the day the state’s abortion ban takes effect.
Then she shared how she and the group’s three co-founders, Alyson Nordstrom, Lily Swain and Paige Buckley, all 17, see the future.
“We want to start getting groups structured in different parts of Tennessee,” Emma Rose said. Each spin-off chapter would be located at a different high school throughout the state.
Then those teens, too, could start teaching each other.
‘Alone and ignorant’
In some parts of the country, teens teaching teens sex ed is not a new idea.
That includes Park City, Utah, where Carly McAleer started high school four years ago having received a sex education that “basically amounted to scaring students with really grotesque photos” of sexually transmitted infections. Utah law requires sex education in all schools but prohibits “the advocacy or encouragement of the use of contraceptive methods or devices,” instead mandating that schools “stress the importance of abstinence.”
By sophomore year, Carly, who is now 18 and uses they/them pronouns, began searching for a way to become better informed — and discovered the Planned Parenthood Teen Council program. The initiative, begun in 1989 in Washington state, trains teens to teach other schoolchildren sex education, then partners with willing private schools, school districts or community groups to host peer-led lessons on topics ranging from consent to contraception, depending on state law and school policy. Since its founding, it has expanded to 15 states, and last year 300 teens volunteered on 31 councils, according to Nadya Santiago Schober of Planned Parenthood.
Carly applied, was accepted their junior year, and was soon walking into middle-school classrooms — feeling more than a bit nervous — to lead classes on STIs and healthy relationships. Carly found that most students, starved for information, were intensely curious.
And Carly came to love moments that demonstrated the difference they were making — for example when they asked students what kind of lubricant is okay to use with condoms, “the room went silent, and so I told them a silicone-based or water-based lubricant.”
The end of Roe appears to have driven more interest in the Teen Council program, which is poised to expand, Santiago Schober said: “We are seeing an increase in the size of our groups for the year ahead.” In Utah, said L-E Baldwin, a community health educator with that state’s Planned Parenthood chapter, “we have had interest from rural parts of the state in ways we have not previously.”
Lindberg, the Rutgers professor, said the upsurge in young people advocating for comprehensive sex education is admirable, if unsurprising in a generation known for its activism on climate change, gun control and reading freedom. She cautioned that it is important would-be student-teachers pick out correct information from the plethora of misinformation available online.
“Young people can now access information in places that a generation ago weren’t an option, whether that’s a YouTube video or a Tik Tok or something on Instagram,” she said. “But they have to be careful.”
Since the 1980s, when sex education became widespread in America as a means to fight HIV infection, conservatives and the religious right have steadily chipped away at the availability of sex ed nationwide, Lindberg said. And they’re especially fired up now, post-Roe and amid raging education culture wars that have delivered new laws restricting what teachers can say about race, racism, sexuality, gender identity and LGBTQ issues. As Charles Herbster, an unsuccessful gubernatorial candidate in Nebraska, put it at a rally alongside former president Donald Trump in May: “We’re going to take sex education out of the schools and put it back in the homes where it belongs.” (Herbster did not answer requests for comment
She had a message for students advocating around sex ed: “The teenagers are being pushed by activist organizations, whose purpose is making children politically literate rather than actually literate so they can become social justice warriors. That’s what the union is trying to do,” she said, referring to teachers organizations, which Justice said are pushing communist doctrine on America’s children.
Rivka, the Fairfax County teen, believes this law imperils students’ access to sex education. She is all the more determined to persuade her school district to expand its sex-ed curriculum by teaching about more contraceptive options and reproductive health clinics, as well as offering students free contraception. Her sex-ed experience was “abstinence 100” percent of the time, she said.
Fairfax sex ed comprises “an abstinence-based … curriculum, meaning that both abstinence and contraception are included in instruction,” district spokeswoman Julie Moult said in a statement. “Contraception is included in instruction in grades 8-12,” she added, pointing to teachings about “barrier, hormonal, and surgical contraceptive methods,” including condoms. Parents can remove their children from the program if they wish.
Moult said the district mentions Planned Parenthood as a resource for “students experiencing unintended pregnancy” in 10th grade. But she said “inclusion of reproductive health clinics could be considered” by school officials in the future.
Moult previously told The Washington Post that giving students access to contraception would be “outside the scope and purpose” of sex ed. The Fairfax County School Board this spring voted to delay a series of proposed changes that would have expanded the topics covered in sex ed and ended gender segregation in some classes, an idea Rivka supports.
“We have millions of men who don’t know how a period works,” Rivka said, recalling conversations with male friends who were clueless about things like tampons and pads. “Teens are just going out into these waters alone and ignorant.”
Teens wonder: Could we do better?
In Tennessee, Alyson Nordstrom had never so much as joined a march when Roe came under threat
But on May 3, feeling the angriest she had ever been, she tapped out an Instagram message to Emma Rose Smith, who had helped organize a 10,000-strong protest after the killing of George Floyd: “I don’t know if you saw the leaking of the Roe v Wade draft opinion from the Supreme Court but me and some of my friends [are] wanting to put together something in protest of that … I was wondering if you wanted to work together.”
Emma Rose responded: “I would love too!”
The girls each brought in their friends, Lily Swain and Paige Buckley, and Teens for Reproductive Rights was born — although they didn’t finalize the name until a coffee-shop confab, when they also created an Instagram profile. Their first event was a May 7 march in Nashville Public Square Park for abortion rights; their second, a music concert in late July that raised $5,000 for Abortion Care Tennessee.
At that point, the girls started to rethink what they might accomplish. The foursome had initially thought the group was “a one-time thing,” Lily said, “but then we started hanging out and getting to know each other.” Soon, their minds turned to sex education.
Alyson, who wants to become a lawyer, recalled the lessons she sat through: “It was just, like, ‘Don’t have sex,’ [and] the guys goofed off the whole time.” Emma Rose, who wants to major in English and political science, had similar memories: “In fifth grade, they just said your boobs might grow and you might get your period. … In ninth-grade, they showed pictures of STDs [and] said this is what you’re going to get if you have sex.” Paige remembered the teacher letting the boys go to the playground while the girls learned about periods. And Lily, an Irish history buff, said what stuck out most was that her sex-ed teachers clearly didn’t want to answer any questions.
The four teens began to wonder: Could we do better?
The two-hour picnic on a superhot Saturday afternoon this month attended by about 30 students — mostly girls but a handful of boys, too — was a trial run. The girls spoke briefly about issues they want to cover more later, including the implications of new state antiabortion laws. But a lot of the conversation was loose, just teens talking.
“It’s like you’re going back in time,” one girl said of Roe’s end.
“I think my concern is bringing more kids into this world,” said another. “The foster-care system is terrible.”
A boy recounted a recent chat with his devoutly Christian mother and shared advice for approaching antiabortion family members: “It can be scary. But it’s definitely worth talking with people about.”
Much of the afternoon had the vibe of a hangout, with boxes of pizza and gentle music. The teens played games of Ninja and Zap. A boy who rode up on a bike, training for his high school cycling team, offered to wear a Teens for Reproductive Rights sticker on his racing helmet.
As the clock inched to 5 p.m., Alyson sought everyone’s attention one more time. She had homework to assign.
“There’s a documentary on Netflix,” she said, raising her voice. “It’s called ‘Reversing Roe.’ It talks about, literally from early 1900s to recent — I think it came out right before the actual reversing.” She added that the film traces how abortion “became politicized, which it wasn’t originally at all.”
Teens sprawled on blankets bent their heads over phones and pamphlets to take down the name.
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