Category: Sex Education

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How to peg for beginners

— Go slow and use lots of lube.

Pegging is typically referred to a cis woman penetrating a cis man with a strap-on dildo.

By Anna Iovine

So, you’ve heard about “pegging” and want to try it for yourself. Pegging is usually referred to a cis woman penetrating a cis man with a strap-on dildo. You’ve come to the right place; here’s how to have strap-on sex as a straight couple.

If you’re curious about pegging, you’re not alone. Pegging was named the 2023 fetish of the year by porn site Clips4Sale. In 2022, unsubstantiated rumors about a certain member of the royal family — who’s been dubbed “Prince of Pegging” — circulated online, prompting searches for “pegging” to rise by 400 percent.

A note on the term ‘pegging’

Some people may find the term “pegging” offensive. It was coined back in 2001 by sex educator Dan Savage. He asked readers to vote on what term should describe the act; other choices were “bobbing” and “punting.”

As Quinn Rhodes wrote for Refinery29, calling it “pegging” instead of what it is — anal sex with a strap-on — may reinforce the idea that it’s taboo or somehow “wrong.” It could be used by cishet men trying to distance themselves from sex queer people have because of their fear of being perceived as queer or emasculine. In our society, we’re taught that sex is a man penetrating a woman, and that he has more power/control. The penetrated partner, then, is deemed as weak or submissive.

Sex is much more than P-in-V, and doesn’t have to adhere to these stereotypical power dynamics. Sex and desires also don’t determine one’s sexual orientation.

Pegging “doesn’t magically change your sexuality,” said nightlife entrepreneur and former professional dominatrix Venus Cuffs. “The goal is to have fun with each other and safety, preparation, and communication allow you to focus on pleasure and enjoying yourselves together.”

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with being queer or submissive, but these ingrained beliefs can take time to unlearn. Before having strap-on anal sex, reflect on and explore your relationship to power and penetration, advised Nicoletta Heidegger, MA, MEd, licensed MFT and sex therapist and host of the Sluts & Scholars podcast.

Why peg?

Anal sex can feel great, explained Heidegger. There are lots of nerve-endings in one’s anus, especially if you have a prostate.

Couples interested in pegging may want to expand other creative ways to experience pleasure, she continued, or struggle to feel pleasure on other body parts. Also, if one partner doesn’t want to be or can’t be penetrated, pegging can be another way to connect.

Preparing to peg

Anal sex is different from vaginal sex. While lubricant is a good idea for the latter, it’s absolutely essential for the former. The anus doesn’t naturally lubricate itself like the vagina does, and it’s also not used to anything being inserted in it (quite the opposite!). Therefore, you need to prepare yourself for anal sex. Head over to Mashable’s guide for a full breakdown of how to do so, but here’s some tips from Heidegger and Cuffs.

Talk about your boundaries, said Heidegger. Mashable has a guide to setting sexual boundaries to help out with that, too. You can watch some classes, as well; Heidegger recommends how-to videos at B Vibe and sex educator Luna Matatas’s classes.

Start small. “When you’re preparing for your first anal insertion, start your preparations with smaller butt plugs, beads, and dildos before you try to go for the desired size of your insertable,” said Cuffs. You or your partner’s fingers can also serve as preparation for something bigger, or even thrusting/grinding can get you used to the feeling of something there.

Think about what sensations you’re after when shopping for a dildo. “Some people, for example, love curved insertables and others do not,” Cuffs said. “There’s also a variety of thickness and length to consider.”

If you’re using toys, make sure they either have a large flared base or hold it if it’s not attached to your partner’s harness. “Things can absolutely get sucked into your ass and get stuck. Full stop,” Cuffs warned. “To avoid ending up in the hospital with doctors removing items from your butt, please only use items that have a base or be prepared to hold it the entire time it is inserted.”

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Pegging 101

Go slow and take your time to experiment and see what you like. Don’t try to shove a dildo in there right away — build up to it with fingers and smaller toys. You may not peg your first-ever session; that’s okay.

Decide if you want to clean out the anus (more about that in our guide to preparing for anal sex) or make dietary changes to help with your digestion (@bottomsdigest is a fun TikTok account that discusses this). Be sure to thoroughly clean any toys (and hands) before and after use.

“And of course, use lube!” Cuffs said. “Loads of lube!” It’s a good idea to have other emergency supplies at the ready, too, like wipes and gloves. Heidegger recommends getting a sex blanket as well.

As always, communication is important. Have a safe word, Heidegger said, and make sure you have a way to check-in during sex. Ask each other: what will I see and hear if you are enjoying yourself? What will I see and hear if you’re not?

“Accept that shit can happen!” Heidegger said. We’re only human after all, and we humans have bodily functions. Clean it up and move on.

Heidegger also recommends having an aftercare plan, both for if it goes well and if it brings up feelings. Trying something new in bed can do this, especially if you’re being penetrated for the first time.

With the right preparation, anal strap-on sex can be fun for both partners. Remember to take deep breaths and try to relax — that’ll help your anus relax, too.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is A Female-Led Relationship?

— Here’s What To Know, According To Experts

 

By Krati Mehra

In traditional societal constructs, men have conventionally been assigned roles that place them in dominant, decision-making positions, while women have often been cast in complementary roles characterized by their nurturing and supportive qualities.

The old structures may offer the comfort of familiarity, but these outdated ideals limit individuals from expressing aspects of their personalities and needs that deviate from conventional norms. Such restrictions can negatively impact a person’s mental health and the health of a relationship. They also create power imbalances skewed in favor of men and to the disadvantage of women. 

However, as society evolves, people are challenging such standards. They’re re-evaluating and redefining roles, responsibilities, and boundaries in a relationship. One such example of this transformation is the emergence and acceptance of female-led relationships (FLR).

Originating as a subset of BDSM (bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism), the term “female-led relationship” has broadened significantly, branching off from exclusively referring to kink or BDSM.

In a female-led relationship (FLR), a woman is the dominating partner and makes most, if not all, of the decisions in the relationship, while the man has a more submissive position. The degree to which this plays out can vary greatly.

FLRs, flipping the script on traditional relationships, seek to create either a more equitable partnership, or one that puts the power in the hands of the female partner. This new relationship paradigm is rooted in mutual consent and can create greater sexual satisfaction and deeper emotional intimacy. 

“Within an FLR, the woman typically leads decision-making, sets boundaries, and establishes the overall direction of the relationship,” certified sex therapist, Aliyah Moore, Ph.D., tells mindbodygreen, adding, “This may extend to various aspects of life, such as finances, household responsibilities, and even intimate aspects, depending on the specific preferences and agreements of the individuals involved.”

Non-kink specific signs of an FLR:

  1. From choosing holiday destinations to family planning, the woman is the primary decision maker; the man has a more supportive role.
  2. The woman manages the finances, sets the budget, and may even be the primary earner; The male partner may or may not hold a job, but the female partner will maintain financial control.
  3. The female partner sets the boundaries in the relationship, covering anything from social engagements to personal space. 
  4. The male partner seeks approval from the female partner before attending events or forming new friendships.
  5. Domestic chores are the man’s responsibility, while the woman may or may not lend a helping hand.
  6. The female partner may also control the male partner’s habits and daily routine. She decides whether he is allowed to smoke, consume alcohol, or use social media.
  7. The female partner takes the lead in navigating and resolving conflicts.
  8. The woman’s opinions, feelings, and ideas are given priority.

Female-led relationships in the kink community

Power play, with one partner assuming a dominant role and the other a submissive one, is a popular theme in kink play and BDSM; FLR is one aspect of it.

An FLR becomes part of a kink when the woman’s control extends to the bedroom. The couple indulges in BDSM and/or other sexual fantasies with the power and authority in the woman’s hands. FLR can add excitement and a certain emotional richness to a couple’s sex life. However, “Consent, communication, and respect for one another should always come first when incorporating FLR dynamics into a kink environment,” Moore cautions.

In a kink-specific FLR, a couple seeks to express their desire for dominance or submission through different sexual practices. 

Signs of a kink-specific female-led relationship

  1. There are clear dominant/submissive roles with the woman, of course, in the dominant role, and as part of the play, referred to as “Domme” or “Mistress.”
  2. The female partner decides the when, how, where, and frequency of sexual encounters, and they are more focused on the woman’s preferences, desires, and satisfaction.
  3. The sexual activities and rituals may include the usage of BDSM tools like restraints, paddles, whips, etc., and techniques like bondage, discipline, sadomasochism, etc.
  4. The submissive can use a mutually agreed upon safe word or signal to communicate discomfort or distress to the dominant partner.
  5. The male partner follows set rules and rituals, with the dominant partner administering rewards for compliance and punishments in case of disobedience.
  6. Partners may also engage in role-play and fantasy exploration.
  7. The power play may continue in public, with the man continuing to stay submissive to the authority of the female partner.
  8. The submissive may also have to follow specific dress requirements outlined by the female partner.
  9. The couple may outline the relationship’s boundaries, expectations, rules, and rituals in a written agreement.

These signs are reflective of a kink-specific FLR, but as forceful and extreme as a BDSM-oriented relationship may seem, every FLR and, in fact, most BDSM-based relationships, prioritize the very unique needs and desires of the individuals involved. The couple can adjust the form and extent of power play to ensure both male and female partners feel comfortable and fulfilled.

Types of female led relationships

1. Low control female-led relationship

A low control female-led relationship is a foundational type of FLR, aiming for equality. Consciously or not, as gender roles change and women seek equal rights alongside men, many heterosexual couples find themselves practicing aspects of a low-control FLR at various times and in a variety of ways.

In a low control FLR, women enjoy limited authority. “The power dynamic is relatively balanced, with both partners actively participating in decision-making and taking the lead in different aspects of the relationship,” says Moore, adding, “The woman may lead in some areas, while the man takes the lead in others, creating a more equal partnership.”

The woman earns and contributes either as much or more than the man. They jointly care for the children and other household work. While the woman has certain advantages over the man, they make most decisions together.

2. Moderate control female-led relationship

In a moderate FLR, the female partner has a more pronounced leadership role. While there is a limit to how far she can go, the woman makes most day-to-day decisions. She controls the finances, assigns domestic chores to the male partner, and even makes decisions that impact the man’s life.

The power exchange may continue into the bedroom, with the couple practicing kink and the woman controlling the play. Moderate control FLR also has limitations. In some areas of their life together, the male partner has equal authority. A couple may adjust their respective power roles as they wish or as their circumstances demand.

3. Defined control female-led relationship

With mutual consent, in a defined control FLR, the power exchange is weighed further in the favor of the female partner. From daily decisions to major life choices, the woman holds authority in virtually every area of the relationship as well as the life of the couple. The male partner has more of a supportive role.

As the name suggests, in this type of FLR, the roles and responsibilities in and out of the bedroom are fixed. There are definite boundaries in the relationship, clearly understood by both partners.

4. Extreme control female-led relationship 

This is the most intense form of a female-led relationship, where the female partner exercises complete control over every facet of the relationship. The male partner is submissive in all areas of life, including the sexual interplay.

According to marriage and family therapist Lauren Cook-Mckay MFT, such an FLR represents a complete role reversal. “The woman becomes the primary breadwinner, while the husband assumes the responsibilities of a homemaker. Although relatively rare, it’s interesting to note that this setup can sometimes endure longer,” she adds.

An extreme control FLR is a massive commitment and more of a lifestyle choice where partners stay in their designated roles throughout their daily lives. Of course, the partners can also switch out of their parts when necessary and create power shifts within the relationship to best suit the changing circumstances in their lives.

It is highly likely that in an extreme FLR, the couple practices BDSM. In such a play, the woman, as the dominant partner, controls the sexual pleasure of her male partner.

Like most relationships, FLRs are highly adaptable. Due to the nature of the relationship, and especially in a kink-specific scenario, the key is to ensure that both partners communicate openly and frequently. The power play should evolve with both partners’ shifting needs, preferences, and desires.

Why women seek female-led relationships

Except for what we may observe in a matriarchal society, an FLR is a sharp departure from the traditional relationship structures. To practice a power dynamic that defies social conventions, an FLR has to be a conscious and deliberate choice for both male and female partners.

“Some people are predisposed to power dynamics and thrive in situations that suit their dominant or submissive tendencies,” Moore tells mindbodygreen.

For women who have previously experienced repression, an FLR can be liberating and psychologically healing. The power to make their own decision—and that of their male partner—can be a strong lure for women who desire independence and leadership roles in their interpersonal relationships. 

“In FLRs, women often hold leadership positions, make important decisions, and set the tone for the relationship. This can be liberating for those who value autonomy and want to assert themselves in their personal lives,” Moore says.

The clarity around each partner’s rights and responsibilities offered by an FLR can also help avoid conflicts and reach a resolution with minimal fuss in case of a disagreement.

Leading may also appeal to a woman’s instinct to nurture and protect. They may enjoy guiding their partner and safeguarding their interests. As Moore explains, “Some women take comfort in knowing their partner is willing to relinquish power and prioritize their needs and desires, which can build a strong foundation of trust and communication and foster a deeper emotional connection.”

Moreover, a man willing to follow a woman’s lead and bend to their instruction can allow the woman to arrange the relationship satisfactorily and create the ideal partnership for providing deep emotional support.

Women who love sexual dominance may appreciate the sexual dynamics of an FLR as well. If the partners are compatible and can establish an understanding, FLR can provide a safe environment to explore sexual fantasies and BDSM.

Why men seek female-led relationships

A man can find it very relaxing to have the female partner make the decisions in a relationship. This dynamic allows him to shed traditional masculine expectations. They can let someone else shoulder the responsibilities without guilt or shame, and can also be more vulnerable in their interactions.

“For some men, having a female-led relationship can bring a sense of security and comfort,” Moore says, adding, “This can help relieve the pressures associated with traditional gender roles and expectations, giving men the opportunity to explore a different way of relating to their partner and breaking free from societal norms.”

Some men are also naturally submissive, so an FLR can feel more natural to them. They can find contentment and fulfillment in surrendering control, whether in everyday decisions or more intimate settings. “They take pleasure in being in a submissive role and prioritize their partner’s happiness and success over traditional ideas of dominance,” Moore explains.

Just as women can explore their love for sexual dominance, men can express their sexual submissiveness when integrating BDSM into their relationships. For some men, taboo BDSM activities, like humiliation or spanking, offer a clandestine thrill. It is a secret way of challenging social judgments and can feel empowering.

Some men, having had strong female figures, may naturally gravitate towards FLRs. As Dr. Moore points out, “Men often pursue FLRs because they desire a relationship that is more emotionally fulfilling.” She believes that in a female-led relationship, men can experience a strong sense of trust and deeper emotional intimacy that can be very satisfying.

Additionally, FLRs can foster personal growth. There is no pressure to conform to outside expectations, so the male partner can freely explore his inner self.

Pros and cons of a female-led relationship

Female-led relationships have both advantages and potential drawbacks. The effectiveness of an FLR depends on the individuals involved, their compatibility, and the understanding they can establish with each other.

Pros of a female-led relationship

A healthy FLR can allow a couple to explore their love for kink in a safe environment and in a way that further strengthens their bond and creates deeper sexual satisfaction. The clear distinction of roles also brings efficiency to the decision-making within the relationship with less possibility of a conflict.

As relationship expert Tina Fey explains, “One of the biggest advantages of an FLR is the focus on clear and straightforward dialogue. The structure inherently promotes conversations about desires, boundaries, and future plans, enabling both partners to be on the same page.”

And as Moore adds, “Creating a clear structure for duties and responsibilities can eliminate ambiguity and prevent potential disputes.”

While FLRs empower women, they also reduce the pressure on men. Both partners venture into new territories that encourage personal growth while experimenting with new identities. The woman further strengthens her ability to lead, make decisions, assert herself, and stay confident in various situations.

Meanwhile, the man can enjoy a slower, more gentle pace in life; With someone else holding the reins, he can let go and focus on becoming self-aware.

A unique benefit of such power dynamics is that they are built on a lot of mutual support, trust, and surrender, turning the relationship into a sanctuary for both partners.

“When one person takes the reins, it often cultivates a deep sense of trust between partners. The dominant partner values the submissive partner’s surrender, while the submissive one values the dominant’s leadership,” Fey says.

Cons of a female-led relationship

Due to the nature of the relationship, there is always a possibility that the power imbalance will turn harmful and oppressive, with one partner feeling marginalized. According to Moore, extreme cases of FLRs can become abusive “if boundaries are not respected, consent is not obtained, or one partner exploits the power dynamic for harmful purposes.”

An FLR may also lead to codependency. The submissive partner can become overly needy and reliant on the dominant partner, which may hinder the submissive’s growth and create stress and resentment for the dominant partner. Continuously making decisions and guiding the male partner can become exhausting for the female partner.

“Given the structure, it’s easy for the submissive partner to become emotionally dependent on the dominant one for affirmation and decision-making, which can echo shades of codependency,” Fey explains.

Unless both partners can handle social disapproval and judgment, they may also feel pressured when friends, family, or community members demonstrate hostility to their relationship. “The secrecy and stigma surrounding FLRs can lead to feelings of isolation or lack of support from friends and family who may not understand or approve of the relationship dynamics,” Moore adds. 

Strict adherence to the FLR roles can be problematic when a certain degree of flexibility is needed. Such inflexibility might hinder the relationship’s collective growth and each individual’s personal development.

The takeaway

A female-led relationship offers a tantalizing glimpse into a world where not the age-old gender roles or outdated social norms but individuals’ personal preferences and desires hold sway when forging romantic relationships. FLRs can add new dimensions to our understanding of authority and intimacy.

With the power placed in the hands of the female partner, FLRs empower women to take a bolder, more dominant approach to the life they share with their partner. At the same time, men are allowed to be vulnerable and further develop their sensitivity and inclination for surrender.

Consider it a twist on the traditional or feminist statement; the satisfaction and emotional connection found within the bounds of an FLR can demonstrate the power of a relationship built on mutual respect, consent, and communication in a relationship.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Raise Sex Positive Kids

— And Why It’s So Important To

By

I will never forget the time I found my eight-year-old watching porn. I was in shock at first and had no idea how to handle it, but I swallowed my inhibitions and used the opportunity to open the lines of communication around sex, which went really well.
Unfortunately, many parents are not as likely to do the same. It’s just the world we live in. But that needs to change.

There are few topics as stigmatized as sex. By extension, the term “sex positive” is highly misunderstood. So what does sex positive mean? It is merely what it sounds like: having a positive attitude toward anything relating to sex. It’s a simple enough concept, yet most fail to grasp it. In fact, if you mention anything remotely sexual in a conversation, people will often laugh, get uncomfortable, feel awkward and usually make jokes. But it’s no laughing matter.

When there are teenagers going to jail for throwing babies in trash cans and dumpsters to avoid admitting to their parents they had sex and got pregnant, it’s not funny.

When there are young members of the LGBTQ+ community who would rather take their own lives than face another day of bullying, it’s not funny.

When there are children expelled, suspended, even arrested, for sharing explicit images of their “peers” on social media, it’s not funny.

When the young people in those images are cyberbullied and slut-shamed to the point of contemplating suicide, it is not funny.

We are living in a society where many still cling to yesterday’s toxic, close-minded ideals. The outdated school of thought behind everything from female anatomy to gender identity is simply not going away fast enough. So what do we do? It’s up to us as parents to break the cycle and teach our children how to think openly, be accepting, respectful and understanding of others, and to make the right decisions for themselves and their own sexual health.

I sat down with Melissa Pintor Carnagey, sexuality educator, licensed social worker and founder of Sex Positive Families, an organization that helps foster healthy attitudes toward sex in young people. Melissa believes that all children deserve holistic, comprehensive, and shame-free sexuality education so they can live informed, empowered, and safer lives. Her website is a wealth of knowledge for families, with information on a wide array of topics and tips on everything from puberty to pornography. She also hosts interactive virtual workshops for tweens, teens and their trusted adults.

I reached out to Melissa to learn how parents can begin to break the generational taboos and misconceptions around sexuality. She broke it all down for us with the points below.

Sex positivity is not sexualization.

Me: Can you define the term “sex positive”?

Melissa: There’s a misconception about what sex positivity even means or is, and some people can think that it just means being completely permissive about sex or not having limits or boundaries about sex, or that it’s about being very sexual or very erotic, partially because a lot of our media is about sexualizing and erotisizing bodies and sex.

Sex positivity really is about having an open, shame free, honest way of looking at bodies, sex, relationships, all these very human things, and taking away the taboo around it. Being sex positive doesn’t mean that you’re just having lots of sex and that that’s what defines your sex positivity. It’s not just about a person’s sex life. It’s really about making sense of your own choices and your own decisions and also respecting those of other people as well.

Start young. It’s not The Talk; it’s many talks.

Me: When should you have “the talk” with your kids?

Melissa: A lot of parents might think you need to discuss it all at once, but no. It’s definitely a series of conversations, a lot of teachable moments that happen over time. We are sending our kids messages about bodies, about identity, about relationships, about consent or lack of consent, gender identity literally from the time they’re born. So when we realize that we’re sending them these messages, we also understand that we’re creating the constructs of all of these things in our homes, in our families, and in our communities. It’s to our benefit to recognize the influence that we have and that it’s early. And then we can just get intentional about what we want to help foster with our children and that it really can be a collaboration.

Melissa: It’s so important that we normalize talking about periods, about where babies come from, and not just, staying in taboo and promoting fear around sex or seeing these things as inappropriate. Sex is how most of us get here. And kids at a young age often wonder, Where do babies come from? They see their teacher or family members that are pregnant and they have questions about that. That’s an opportunity to plant the seed that ultimately helps to foster comfortable talks about sex so that as they develop and their worldview starts to change and evolve.

But if you keep it silent, if you say, don’t ask that, that’s for adults, or you’re not supposed to talk about that, you’re not supposed to know about that, or if they can see you’re visibly uncomfortable, you shut down and you don’t open that back up to them. That’s a learned taboo. They learn, oh, I’m not allowed to talk about that. I don’t know why. But now I’m not going to ask and I’m not going to be curious. Then when you try later on, when you realize there’s a situation that comes up, and they’re like 13 or 14, and you’re trying to talk to them, they’re going to be uncomfortable because every other message that was sent, either direct or indirect, up to that point, told them that this is not okay to talk about. So they may find other unhealthy ways to learn about it.

It’s not just about sex. Early conversations should include bodily autonomy.

Me Where do you even start?

Melissa: So from the beginning parents can ask themselves, how can I be intentional or just aware of what messages I’m sending? What are my kids observing? And that it isn’t just something that’s hormones and puberty and teenage years – hopefully by then we’ve already sent them a whole lot of messages.

If we want to help foster openness around sex, then the talks might start early with consent, helping young people understand their own bodies, giving them accurate names for their body parts, especially the genitals. Help them understand safe and unsafe touch, and who is allowed to help them when they may still need help. Whether it’s going to the bathroom or bathing or changing their clothes, or at their medical appointments; these are some of those teachable moments. When they’re greeting others in the family or even in your own home, are those interactions forced, or are we inviting or asking? Are we giving options as opposed to saying go give your grandma a hug, even if they don’t want to. Bodily autonomy is a foundational aspect that ultimately will support their understanding of sex and healthy sexuality.

It’s important for parents to break the cycle instead of passing it on.

Me: How do parents overcome their own issues stemming from being raised in a non-sex positive world?

So many of us weren’t taught these things. They weren’t modeled to us. And so we may have been confused as we were experimenting with sex or relationships along our own journey. We may have actually had experiences that are abuse or trauma as opposed to sex, because sex should always involve consent. And that consent should be ongoing and clear. There are many of us that have had interactions that were not consensual, or that were coerced in different ways. And so a lot of that that is taking a look at our own understanding of these topics, how well do we know our own bodies, especially people that have vulvas, people that have vaginas and uteruses because our education system is so patriarchal and taboo and stigmatized when it comes to anything related to sexual health. There are so many of us that didn’t get the education that we needed and deserved to understand how our bodies actually work.

It’s never too late to start the conversation.

Me: What if your kids are already tweens or teens and you’ve never talked about sex with them or you weren’t as open to begin with?

Melissa: We’ve got to take the brave steps to be vulnerable and be honest and so that could sound like ‘I realized that I have not been as open as I could have been with you about bodies, about sex, about puberty, about relationships, whatever it is that you want to talk about and that’s on me. But it’s important that we learn about these things and that you know who you can turn to. So I want to change that. I would love for us to start having conversations or start you know, talking more openly about these things.’

And then that little piece opens up empathy. For many of us, it can just sound like, ‘when I was growing up, I didn’t have anyone that I could talk to about this. It wasn’t normal for us when I was your age, so then I didn’t know how to handle it as you’ve been growing up. But I’m learning. I’m learning a lot of things now and I want to make sure you have support. I want to do that differently for you. It might feel awkward, it might feel uncomfortable. That’s okay. This is something that we can work on together.’

And then you just kind of weave it into everyday moments. It isn’t about staring your kid face to face in a confrontational, high pressure kind of way. Maybe you make time to go on a walk together or you build something together or you go have an ice cream date together something that says, this is time for us. And then in the midst of that time, you naturally kind of move into something. And the more you have those one-on-one times, especially when you have more than one kid that’s really important because then they can feel special. The more that you have that you integrate that, the more you might notice that they bring up things about what’s going on in their worlds.

Self-exploration is encouraged for all genders.

Me: How do you approach the topic of masturbation with your kids, and how important is it?

One thing that I teach about when we talk about masturbation, and particularly when we talk about the clitoris, is that we need to help our kids understand and normalize what may feel good to them. This is so that they can know what does not – which ultimately helps keep them safer before they invite anyone else to play with their body. It’s important for them to understand for themselves, and that helps them establish their own boundaries, their own limits.

Unfortunately, that didn’t happen for so many of us. There are so many people with a clitoris as adults that are deep in their adulthood and still never have experienced orgasm. We can trace that back to a major lack of body literacy. There’s been no foundational understanding. But interestingly, people with penises don’t seem to have that same problem. Why do you think that is? It was 1998 when scientists discovered the full body of the clitoris. Wow, why did it take them so long to realize that this is a full body part and not just this little tip? So this is all a part of us changing this narrative on a broader level, and it starts with these conversations that we can have with our young people so that they know yes, that’s your clitoris, and yes it can feel good because it has thousands of nerve endings. Just like the penis has thousands of nerve endings. Those two body parts are homologous which means that they are made of similar structure. Just like you might explain why the heart beats or how hearing works or all the things that they learn about in school – but these things that are so vital to their safety and their well being as humans, are conveniently left out of the conversation.

You might say to your child ‘I love that you’re getting to know your body. And this is not something that we do in the living room while people are around or at the dinner table or at the grocery store. That’s something that we do in private so that you can get to know your body. These parts are really sensitive. That’s why we were clothed to cover them so that they stay protected. And no one else is allowed to touch your clitoris, your penis, your anus.’ All of that can happen in these little teachable moments.

So it’s just us getting comfortable with a new way of helping them understand – helping a new generation understand – their bodies and their rights to their own bodies.

Never punish or demean. It’s okay to be curious!

Me: I caught my child watching porn at a young age and it was stressful. How do parents handle this situation?

Melissa: The world places a lot of responsibility on us as parents, like, don’t raise a perpetrator, don’t raise a victim, all of these messages about how perfect we need to create our children’s lives. And there are going to be things that are going to happen that we may not be able to prevent – like our children finding easily-accessible porn on the internet.

I avoid words, like ‘catch them’, because then that sends that message that like oh, I caught you doing something bad. So if we find out our young person has come across porn or has been shown porn, or has been actively searching, we need to recognize that our children are not bad, they’re not demons, they’re not scarred forever. This is really an opportunity, not a threat. We can get a better understanding of what happened in the situation, not from a well ‘Why were you looking at that?’ stance. It’s important that our reaction isn’t shame-based or accusatory or punishment oriented. It’s our job as a family to help keep all of us safer. We know porn is not for children or education. It’s made for adult entertainment. So we say to them ‘It’s okay to be curious. It’s okay to be curious about bodies. It’s okay to be curious about sex. When you have questions about these things. Here’s what you can do, instead of going to Google or looking at porn, we can talk about it. You can ask me any questions you want.’ And then that goes back to whether you are truly creating a space that feels safe for them to ask, because kids will go to Google or porn or friends if they’re curious when the home isn’t feeling safe from punishment or shame.

If you simply say ‘Don’t watch porn’ it’s likely to just push them back towards it. We need to be more thoughtful and smarter about treating our young people like the whole humans that they are. Give them more credit than sometimes they’re given. They’re more likely to listen to what we have to say if they feel respected, and if they feel heard. And they know that we’re on their team, that we’re not just looking for an opportunity to punish them next. So you can say ‘ I want to make sure that you have reliable information about bodies and about sex because you deserve that. One day you’re going to make choices about sex. And I want you to feel ready when that time comes. Watching porn can send confusing, unsafe and mixed messages.. So what questions do you have about sex? How can I help you understand these things? It’s okay to be curious.’

Understand that others might have different perspectives.

Me: What do you do if your child’s other parent has a different attitude toward sex that is not as positive?

Melissa: There is often the reality that there’s a whole other person we can’t control, someone who has whole separate values, triggers, traumas related to all this stuff. It’s healthy for our kids to see and know that there are different perspectives. What you can control is, when they are curious with you, how you show up for those curiosities. Never approach them with negativity or blame or shame. You can acknowledge it like ‘ you might hear some different things about a topic, so tell me what you’ve heard about that? That’s interesting. What do you think?’ Because sharing your perspective is helping them to shape their understanding of their perspective.

Want to learn more (trust me, we barely scratched the surface) about raising sex positive kids? Sex Positive Families’ interactive workshops are held virtually and open to tweens, teens, and their trusted adults. You can also order Melissa’s book, Sex Positive Talks to Have With Kids, a bestselling comprehensive guide that helps caregivers create the kind of bond that keeps kids safer, informed, and empowered in their sexual health.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Increase Sex Drive

— A Combined Approach

Checking in with your mind and body is key

By Larell Scardelli

Sex drive (libido) is the desire to engage in sexual activity, fantasies, and pleasures. It’s a complex system stimulated by a combination of biological, psychological, social, and environmental factors.1 If you’ve noticed a change in your desire for sex, whether partnered or solo, it’s normal to be confused or concerned.

Before taking steps to increase your libido, check in with yourself to identify what may be causing the dip. Did you get a new job? Alter your diet? Start a new medication? How is the quality of your relationship? Are you stressed?<

This article will help you understand what impacts your libido through a holistic view of your health, relationships, and emotions. Regardless of gender, you will learn how to flow with your individual patterns of desire and learn about integrative remedies, like food and herbs, to work towards a libido that satisfies you.

First Step to Increasing Sex Drive: Identify Changes

A lot can impact libido, so try to stay out of the blame game if your libido is lower than usual or different from a friend’s. Instead, look more holistically at how your life and sex drive are related. Here are some life challenges and changes that may impact your libido.

Terminology

Verywell Health prefers to use inclusive terminology for sex or gender. When citing research or health authorities, the terms for sex or gender from the source are used. In other instances, “male”/”man” refers to a person identified as male at birth, and “female”/”woman” refers to a person identified as female at birth. People may identify with different gender or genders than those assigned at birth.

Age: Hormonal Changes and Lifestyle

Sexual desire ebbs and flows with age, regardless of sex or gender. The same neural and biochemical pathways exist for people of any sex.

People with ovaries go through a lot of hormonal changes during their lifetime, from menstruation to pregnancy to menopause. Sexual desire is closely related to hormones (estrogen and testosterone), so it’s normal to see shifts around these phases.

Many females report an increase in sexual activity in their 30s. Sexual desire is individual, but according to some studies, women have the “highest” libido in their 30s.2

Males may notice their sexual desire peak in their 20s and start to settle in their mid-30s when a natural decline in testosterone becomes more apparent in everyday life.3

Age can also come with other health conditions, new medications, and injuries, all of which can reduce sexual desire in your 40s and beyond. But it’s not all about how old you are. A healthy lifestyle, mindset, and diet at any age can lead to a healthy libido.4

Life Changes

Take note of life changes, big or small. Did you move? Start a job? Lose a job? Adopt a pet? Are you grieving a loss? A breakup? Are you a new parent? Is it a busy season at work? These life changes affect your stress levels and can impact your natural libido.

When stressed, the body goes into fight-or-flight mode, turning off “unnecessary” functions for immediate survival, like appetite and sexual desire.5 Among other functions, stress also reduces focus and energy levels, resulting in foggy and sluggish moods. This is not ideal for sexual arousal.

Medical Diagnoses or Surgery

Recent surgery, injury, chronic illness, or new medical diagnoses can lower your sex drive. The physical and psychological stress of medical issues can affect your body and relationship. Give yourself time to heal and rest.

Pain medications, like opioids, can decrease sexual desire. Other common medications, like hormonal birth control, reduce testosterone levels and can lead to lower libido.6

Mental Health

Clinical depression and anxiety have been linked to a loss of sexual desire. One study shows that 62.5% of mild to moderately depressed males saw increased sexual dysfunction.7 Another study found that women think mental health is more important for their sexual desire than physical health.8

Poor mental health can impact body image and confidence in the bedroom. It can cause sexual dysfunction or pain based on past trauma. Physiologically, depression and anxiety impact hormones, which play a significant role in a healthy sex drive.

Several prescription medications,9 like antidepressants, can reduce your appetite for sex, too, especially if you’re starting them or changing the dosage.10

Quality of Relationship

The frequency of sex does not define your relationship. If you and your partner are happy with the amount of sex you’re having, that’s all that matters. Some couples are even sex-free and enjoy life together just the same.

But if your sex life is a point of tension, look deeper into the relationship. It could be a case of naturally mismatched libidos, or you could discover an opportunity to get closer to your partner by discussing conflict and challenges.

Healthy communication, trust, care, and open dialogue will help you understand how certain areas of the relationship may be causing a loss of sexual closeness and how to repair them.

How to Increase Sex Drive: A Wide Range of Approaches

Once you’ve identified one or more underlying changes causing your libido to plummet, you can explore a range of approaches to increase it. Because sexual appetite has emotional, physical, biological, and social ties, it’s important to consider a holistic approach to treatment. Approaches can include the following:

  • Eliminate or cut back on drugs, alcohol, and smoking.11
  • Get regular physical exams to rule out underlying conditions.
  • Dedicate quality time to your relationship, and consider turning off the TV and other screens to talk or to schedule an activity you enjoy together.
  • Add moderate exercise to your routine.12
  • Make quality sleep a priority.11
  • Explore pleasurable sex with more communication, erogenous zones, foreplay, lubricant, toys, or positions. Focus on the connection over orgasm.
  • Consider sex therapy for yourself or as a couple to understand your sexual goals or work through mental blocks.
  • Journal about your sexual desires, needs, and interests to better understand what you like in the bedroom.
  • Try herbs like Ginkgo biloba, maca root, or ginseng.13 Be sure to discuss with your healthcare provider whether these would interact with any other medications you are taking.
  • Eat supposed libido-boosting foods like chocolate, oysters, garlic, and fenugreek.14
  • Communicate early and often with your partner about your relationship and needs.
  • Ask a healthcare provider about prescription medications that may be affecting your libido and any that may help improve your libido.

No standard exists for a “normal” sex drive.15 Your baseline libido may naturally vary from that of your friends and others you may compare yourself to. A person can be satisfied with a libido that may seem higher or lower than that of others.

Increasing or Enhancing Sex Drive for Females

Females looking to understand or increase their sex drive can also consider the following solutions:11

  • Get to know your menstrual cycle: You may be more turned on during different phases of your cycle, and articulating this can help you and your partner get on the same page.
  • Focus on arousal and connection: Fostering a feeling of closeness during foreplay can flood the body with sexual hormones to cue lubrication and blood flow to erogenous zones.
  • Add lube: Using over-the-counter lubricants and vaginal moisturizers can improve your sexual experience and reduce discomfort.
  • Learn about hormone therapy: If you’re postmenopausal, talk to a healthcare provider about how hormone therapy can help with estrogen levels and changes in vaginal tissue.

Increasing or Enhancing Sex Drive for Males

Males experience stress and hormone fluctuations too. Testosterone, the main driver of sexual function and other male characteristics, such as facial hair, begins to decline around age 30. Here are some solutions to boost libido in men:

  • Reduce alcohol: Alcohol has been shown to lower testosterone levels in males.16
  • Eliminate smoking: Smoking has been directly linked to erectile dysfunction.17
  • Address performance anxiety: Erectile dysfunction can happen at any age and is caused by physical or psychological issues. Talk to your healthcare provider or therapist to address underlying symptoms.
  • Prescription medication: Testosterone replacement therapy or other sexual-enhancing medications may be right for you.18
  • Prioritize your mental health: Mental health plays a big role in libido. You deserve help for stress, anxiety, depression, and other mental health conditions. Seek out counseling if you’re struggling with mood swings or unwanted thoughts.

Summary

Life can be challenging, and you’re not going to be in the mood for sex all the time. Factors such as hormonal changes, stress-inducing events, medical conditions, medications, mental health challenges, and relationship quality can affect your libido.

People of all sexes experience highs and lows in their sex drive for a number of reasons. If you wish to improve your sex drive, it is good to look at a variety of ways to do so, and the solution will be different for each person.

Finding and sustaining your unique healthy libido includes taking care of your mental and physical health as well as the quality of your relationship.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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I Can’t Orgasm, Am I Broken?

By Sriha Srinivasan

The first time I had a go at an orgasm, I tried to plan for everything. Music? Check. Unrealistic erotic content? Check. Privacy? I mean, as much privacy as a young teen could get in her childhood bedroom so…kinda check? Fingers ready, I went for it and as my desire to succeed crescendoed, I didn’t. I felt nothing. Truth be told, my first attempts at masturbating were uncomfortable and embarrassing.

When I confided in my friends, they were sympathetic but it seemed that each of them in their own way had figured themselves out. They couldn’t relate to my struggle to orgasm. Throughout my teenage years, I tried modifying every variable I could think of. I thought that if I just had the right playlist, or tried moving my fingers at exactly the right angle, I could spontaneously fix myself. But I still couldn’t reach the elusive ‘big O’ my friends talked about: the supposedly euphoric experience that I’d watched play out on TV and in movies. I started to think that maybe I wasn’t meant to experience an orgasm. That maybe I was broken.

Hearing about my struggle, a friend who I had always looked up to for her confidence and strength took me aside on my 17th birthday and presented me with a small box. “It worked for me,” she said. “It might just work for you.” It was a brand-new Satisfyer Pro, a clitoral vibrator apparently changing the sex toy landscape for people with vaginas. It was totally portable, waterproof, sleek, shiny — and utterly terrifying. I didn’t touch the box for at least a couple of months. I watched YouTube reviews and revisited the step-by-step articles from my youth that promised to teach me how to orgasm before setting out to give it a try. Unfortunately, the first time using the vibrator was too much for me. Even the slowest setting felt like ants all over my clitoris. So I hid the box away and grappled with a fresh onslaught of shame.

It was a shame that I needn’t have felt. Despite my generation having more information than ever at our fingertips, our sex education is still deeply flawed and far from comprehensive. As a teen growing up in the San Francisco Bay Area, I was lucky to be surrounded by empowering young people who talked openly and honestly about pleasure. I remember being 13 and at a Halloween slumber party, having whispered conversations by flashlight after putting on flimsy sheet masks and eating popcorn, laughter hiding our nervousness over topics we really didn’t know anything about. These conversations led me to the teenage manuals of women’s magazines and websites, where I learned that there was an elusive state called an ‘orgasm’ or, colloquially, ‘the big O’. For penises, ejaculation was the obvious marker of having reached orgasm. But for vaginas? The scientific literature I came across wasn’t helpful at all and mainly referenced studies from the early ’70s. The articles I read described reaching orgasm as feeling like fireworks, whatever that meant. My curiosity led me to follow each article step by step in my bid to discover what an orgasm actually felt like, ultimately leading me to my initial failed attempt. Years had gone by and here I was at 17, still hitting the same wall.

In high school, fueled by misinformation, stigma and frustration at my perceived failure to experience an orgasm, I became involved in sex education. Simultaneously, I grew comfortable with my culture as the daughter of immigrants, and as a rising senior created a consent curriculum that I taught to over 300 youth in my parents’ hometown in south India. After I came back to the United States, I became a UCSF California-certified sexual health educator and eventually, during my final year of high school (and at the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic), I set out on TikTok, creating my platform @sexedu to reach as many as I could with my work.

From what I’ve seen as an educator, the United States is in desperate need of comprehensive sex education. We need to deconstruct the idea that sexual wellbeing is a taboo topic. I know now as a creator that my story of struggling to figure out how to orgasm isn’t unique. I want every young person to know that regardless of their journey with pleasure, they aren’t alone and they aren’t broken. That’s why I’m sharing my story. In 2023, we need stories to break the stigma.

In what felt to 17-year-old me like a last-ditch effort, I shared my desolate feelings with the friend who’d gifted me the vibrator. She urged me to try again — she said that it was uncomfortable simply because it was unknown. It was a brand-new sensation; I just had to lean into the discomfort to make a discovery. I took a long, hard look at myself. I looked at my body with a mirror in an attempt to become comfortable with these parts that society had made me shy away from. I shoved down the shame I felt and focused on exploring, not on the destination I sought. Yes, I reached those fireworks. Yes, it felt brand-new the first time, and a little uncomfortable because of that. But yes, it was fantastic. It was an experience that belonged to me and that connected me to humankind.

In the end, the elusive orgasm was a journey for me as it is for so many. After all, there are so many types of orgasm: clitoral, vaginal, deep vaginal, G-spot, anal, nipple, ‘coregasms’, audio/visual, blended and possibly more (there’s a debate to be had about the exact number of types given the lack of research on pleasure for people with vaginas). The journey to reaching an orgasm looks different for everyone! Some reach their first orgasm early on with ease; others might not say ‘orgasm’ aloud until they reach college. You shouldn’t feel pressure to orgasm every time either — even the practice of masturbation without orgasm can be pleasurable.

You aren’t broken if you can’t orgasm from penetration alone, or if you need a half hour of foreplay, or if you can’t orgasm more than once at a time. Pleasure is a biological function; it can also be magical and frustrating and your relationship with it can change over time. But regardless of all this, pleasure unites us all — via orgasm, or whatever pleasure might look like for you. It is your right to experience pleasure in whatever consensual capacity you choose.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to bottom better (for the more experienced)

— Some words of wisdom about lube, positions, douching, and more for better pleasure in bed.

 

By Charles Orgbon III

Bottoming can be an intimate and enjoyable experience for many, but if you’re not prepared – both physically and mentally – it might end in what I like to call a “poo-tastrophe.” For those just dipping their toes in the water, plenty of resources exist online about how to douche, the importance of communication, and why you should carefully listen to your body around bottoming. But as a card-carrying bottom, I have a few additional items I’d like to add to the syllabus.

Here are some words of wisdom to help you experience better pleasure:

Don’t starve yourself — you can eat!

Whether it be for Folsom Street Fair, San Francisco Pride, Chicago Market Days, or Palm Springs’ Blatino Oasis, many bottoms spend entire weekends drinking only water and only eating salads for breakfast, lunch, and dinner so they can “stay ready.” Life doesn’t have to be so restrictive. I found it incredibly liberating when I realized that I have about 2 hours after eating to have anxiety-free receptive sex.

Knowing a timeframe for my body allowed me to make better decisions about when to eat without fear of whether or not I was playing gastrointestinal Russian Roulette. Everybody is different, but for me, meals with wholesome and fibrous foods, as opposed to highly processed foods, allowed me to extend my safe-zone window.

You may need to experience accidents to discover what works and doesn’t work for your body, and if a top doesn’t have patience for you to do this work, I hope you’ll trust me when I tell you that they’re not worth your time.

Save time and use a shower attachment

I bought my first hand-held douche in Amsterdam back in 2017. No one told me that there’s a difference between a vaginal douche and an anal douche. It took me a few years of living in complete oblivion, but I am glad I know now and I eventually found a douching bulb with a finer, more comfortable insert.

…until I realized there was even something better!

Shower attachments are an efficient and usually affordable alternative to bulb douches. Whether you rent or own, you can install them in your shower and they are ready to go at a moment’s notice.

And here’s a life hack: just about any hand-held shower device can be unscrewed and turned into a douching mechanism when held in the right position with the right amount of water pressure. When traveling, try finding the hotel rooms with these types of showers, and you can thank me later!

Find the right position

Many of us have heard of missionary, doggy style, and cowboy. Porn sites love to mention these as prominent categories, but what about superman, leg glider, or seesaw? And scissoring is not just for lesbians! GAY SEX POSITIONS GUIDE fascinates me with a universe of options that make me eager to try with a partner. Use this guide to stimulate (in multiple senses of the word!) conversations about what might be the best position for you. Discover the best way for your partner to reach your prostate.

The trick for partners with smaller penises

Just because someone has a large penis doesn’t make them the best in bed and the opposite can be equally said for someone with a small penis. Sex is so much more than just the physicality of our organs–so don’t discount your potential partners who may be a little less than average. There’s something you can do to achieve pleasure.

Try using a little less lube for a bit more friction, creating a more intense sensation. However, be careful to not use too little lube because friction can also lead to more internal small cuts that increase STI risk. If you’re not using condoms and lube, consider adding Doxy PEP and PrEP to your repertoire.

Find the right lube

The market presents us bottoms with many options for lube. Water-based lubes dry up quickly, but are compatible with sex toys and condoms.

Oil-based lubes such as coconut oil last a bit longer, but shouldn’t be used with condoms (they can cause condoms to break).

Then, there’s silicone lube, like Pjur Back Door, which lasts longer, but is expensive and can stain sheets and clothing.

Premium lubes, like Astroglide X, blend water and silicone so they don’t stain sheets.

I prefer silicone lubes, even though they’re more expensive. But people have their own preferences, and it’s worth taking the time to experiment with different products to find ones that you like for different things (you might like a different lube with toys than one for a partner).

Here’s how to get rid of the post-sex trapped gas

I know that I’m not the only one that’s experienced a longer bottoming session, leaving me with excess air in my gut and feeling a bit bloated. When this happens, I start by walking around and massaging my stomach. If ginger is within reach, I crunch it up and make a tea. For the quickest results, however, I drink caffeine, which excites my digestive system and allows me to expel something, hopefully some of the gas along with it. And voila! Relief!

Bottoming requires so many considerations, and this article isn’t meant to be an exhaustive list, but hopefully makes you think and offers a perspective from the receiving end of things that may be helpful.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex in the lab

— Unravelling the secrets of sex and sexuality the scientific way

Research shows that among bonobo or pygmy chimpanzees, who engage in a great deal of sex, such sexual behaviour helps resolve conflicts, which allows natural resources to be shared more efficiently among them

Leading neuroscientist Simon LeVay’s fascinating new book says sexual orientation could be determined by genes, why lizards get by without sex, and how oxytocin and vasopressin could be key to falling in love

By Jane Borges

Science might not have all the answers, but when it comes to seeking truths about sex, British-American neuroscientist Simon LeVay feels that the “scientific method is the best way forward”. LeVay, who has served on the faculties of Harvard Medical School, Boston and the Salk Institute for Biological Studies, California, is best known for his sensational 1991 report that documented a tiny difference in brain structure between homosexual and straight men. His research pointed to how a tiny cell cluster in the brain, known as the third interstitial nucleus of the anterior hypothalamus, or INAH3, which “is deeply involved in regulating male-typical sex behaviour,” was bigger in straight men; the gay men’s cell clusters were in the same size range as women’s. A feature published in the Discover Magazine in 1994, claimed that the study had “catapulted him [LeVay] from his scientific ivory tower into the heated fray of homosexual politics”.

Nearly 32 years later, his fame notwithstanding, LeVay remains just as deeply invested and curious about research around sex and human sexuality. His just-released title Attraction, Love, Sex: The Inside Story (Bloomsbury India) reveals how, world over, scientists like him are unravelling the secrets of sex and sexuality, and in the process, shattering traditional ideas and prejudices. “Much of the research on sexuality is published in academic papers that are difficult for non-scientists to access or understand,” he tells mid-day in an email interview. “Yet buried in this enormous body of research are clues to some important mysteries about sex.” With his new book, LeVay says he wanted to describe the progress that is being made in finding the answers.

The central mystery of sex, says LeVay, is why we reproduce sexually. “To investigate this mystery, I reviewed research that is being done in species ranging from single-celled yeast to vertebrates such as lizards.” Lizards seem to get along fine without sex. “All these lizards are female and they reproduce by virgin birth [asexual reproduction]. In fact, this could be advantageous in evolutionary terms, because it doesn’t require the existence of males. Yet most species do reproduce sexually, either some of the time or [as in our own species] as their only form of reproduction,” he says. Sexual reproduction, he explains, involves the mixing of genes from two parents. “The most likely explanation for the existence of sexual reproduction, in my opinion, is that this mixing allows for the removal of harmful mutations in a species’ genes—mutations that would otherwise accumulate over the generations. Asexual species may crop up now and then and flourish for many generations, but over a long period of time, they are likely to go extinct.”

Simon Levay
Simon Levay

Over the course of evolution, however, some species have developed functions for sex that have no direct reproductive purpose. “For example, our close relatives the bonobos engage in a great deal of sex between females and males. I discuss research indicating that these seemingly useless forms of sexual behaviour are in fact advantageous in evolutionary terms. In bonobos, they appear to help resolve conflicts, which allow resources to be shared more efficiently,” he says.

In the area of sexual orientation research itself, newer and important benchmarks have been set since his own pioneering work. LeVay, who identifies as gay, alludes to the 2019 scientific report by Italian geneticist Andrea Ganna and his colleagues. “Using genetic data from several hundred thousand individuals, Ganna found that genes account for about one-third of the total causation of a person’s sexual orientation. He also identified several locations within the genome where genes influencing sexual orientation [either in males, females, or both sexes] are located. Nevertheless, his work indicates that ‘gay genes’—individual genes that act like switches to determine a person’s sexuality—must be rare if they exist at all. Rather, numerous genes, each having a weak effect, act through complex networks during pre- and postnatal life to establish a person’s orientation.”

LeVay, who has written/co-written over 12 books in the past, also delves into the science behind relationships, arousal, love and attraction. Exploring the latter, he takes us through studies that point to how it is “closely linked to the stomach, odours, and even facial symmetry”. The results, however, are a mixed bag and even LeVay feels should be taken with a pinch of salt.

“Two groups of researchers did this experiment: They showed outlines of female figures varying in fatness to male college students who were either hungry or who had just eaten. In both studies, the hungry students judged the fatter figures more attractive than did the students who were full,” shares LeVay, adding, “This finding goes along with a large body of evidence that judgments of attractiveness can be modified depending on the circumstances of the person doing the judging. In contrast, some aspects of facial attractiveness, such as symmetry, seem to be fixed. This suggests that symmetrical faces are indicators of healthy development, so that preferring such faces may be adaptive in evolutionary terms.”

According to him, the fact that both research groups got the same result strengthens the believability of the finding. “In other cases, research groups have reported conflicting findings. That’s true for some ‘sweaty T-shirt’ studies: One Swiss research group found that men rate the odour of T-shirts worn by women most attractive if the women differ in certain genes from those of the raters, while another group at the same university failed to find any relationship between attractiveness and genetic similarity. That’s part of the scientific process: One of those studies must be wrong, but we don’t know which, and it will take further studies to resolve the conflict.” He, however, rues the fact that research has paid very little attention to the opposite of sexual attraction, which is sexual aversion or sexual disgust.

Love—“which is not the same thing as sexual attraction”—that emotion that has confounded mankind since eons, also finds room in the science laboratory. “It is a desire for union with another person, and consists of passion, intimacy, and commitment in variable proportions,” LeVay says, adding, “People often use the word ‘chemistry’ to explain what attracts lovers to each other, and the science bears that out: research in prairie voles—small rodents that form lasting pair bonds—has demonstrated a key role for two brain chemicals, oxytocin and vasopressin, in sexual pair-bonding. Another brain chemical, dopamine, also plays an important role. These chemicals are not released at random within the brain but within complex synaptic networks that are currently being deciphered.” Much about love, he says, is still a mystery—but maybe not for much longer.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Women’s sexual desire often goes undiscussed

– Yet it’s one of their most common health concerns

Many women are afraid to voice concerns about low desire to their doctors.

By

Female sexual desire is frequently misunderstood. Despite desire (also known as libido or sex drive) being the most common sexual health concern for women, most women aren’t really taught about it growing up. And if they are, the information is often inaccurate.

This lack of education not only perpetuates misinformation, stigma and shame about female sexual desire, it can also have a major effect on wellbeing and perceptions of satisfaction in intimate relationships.

Discrepancies in sexual desire and satisfaction are often reported as key reasons for relationship difficulties. Low sexual desire also has a negative impact on body image and self-confidence.

But it’s never too late to understand desire and the many ways it can change – not just each day, but throughout life.

Desire is constantly changing

Sexual desire is best understood as a transient state. This means it can be affected by an array of factors – including stress, hormones, physical and mental health, certain medications, lifestyle and the balance of intimacy and eroticism in a relationship.

Desire is also a multifaceted response, which can either follow or occur at the same time as pleasure or arousal. This means feeling “in the mood” may not happen until after a woman is aroused. Desire can also occur with or without a partner and will vary in frequency and intensity. Sexual desire can also be affected by many environmental factors, which helps explain why it may wane during periods of stress or in longer term relationships.

Even factors such as gender roles and norms are thought to cause low sexual desire for women in heterosexual relationships. One study proposes that the inequities in the division of household labour, the objectification of women and gender norms surrounding sexual initiation (in which men are presumed to be the primary instigators of sex while women are presumed coy), all result in low sexual desire for women.

Understanding that desire is a transient and multifaceted response can help women to see that low desire isn’t a problem with our bodies – and that treating it may be a matter of addressing problems in other parts of their lives. It also helps to understand that it’s normal for desire to change and fluctuate, even on a daily basis, depending on what’s going on in a person’s life.

Certain life transitions can have a major effect

Pregnancy, the post-partum period, perimenopause and menopause are all significant transitional periods in women’s lives that can also have a major impact on sexual desire.

There are a number of reasons why this may be. For example, body changes that may happen during these transitional periods can affect body image and self-esteem, which in turn affects desire. Hormone changes can affect mood, and may also result in physical changes – such as vaginal dryness and dyspareunia (genital pain that occurs before, during or after sex), which are known to affect desire.

Perineal trauma (damage to the perineum during birth) can cause pain which may make women desire sex less. Experiences of pregnancy loss and infertility are also shown to lower sexual desire.

Importantly, these life transitions also affect other areas of our lives – and may lead to stress, fatigue, changes in relationship roles and less time for intimacy. This can all, in turn, lead to lower sexual desire.

Expecting that sexual desire may change or decrease during these periods can be helpful, as it may reduce self-blame and shame.

Desire can be cultivated

Desire can be cultivated at any stage of life. Recent psychosocial approaches to addressing low sexual desire emphasise the importance of balancing intimacy and eroticism, which is a focus on sensuality and pleasure over arousal and orgasm. Research indicates that, while intimacy is essential in healthy partnered sexuality, eroticism helps increase desire by promoting mystery and sexual excitement.

Sexual desire experts also suggest good strategies for cultivating desire including regularly communicating what feels good and what doesn’t with your partner, planning for sexual activity and finding ways to reduce distraction so you can focus on your body during sex.

Evidence-based treatments for low desire include mindfulness therapy, which can help women reduce distraction, increase focus on the sensations, thoughts and emotions they’re experiencing in the moment and help target negative self-judgment. Another treatment, sensate focus touch, which involves using non-sexual touch to promote more open sexual communication among couples, has also been shown to increase desire.

Sexual desire is unique to each person. If women were taught what sexual desire is and what to expect across our lives, they would be less likely to suffer the ill effects of this misunderstanding. Sexual desire is not a problem to be solved – but a skill to be learned and cultivated throughout life.

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How to explore kink safely

— Whatever you’re into, here’s what you need to know…

By Alice Porter

If you’re looking to change up your sex life and try new things, you might be interested in exploring the world of kink. But whether you’re googling new kinks in a private browser or dipping your toe into something like BDSM with a partner, you might end up feeling a little overwhelmed.

And if your only introduction to kink is how it’s portrayed in the media (Fifty Shades of Grey, we’re looking at you), you might assume it’s all dungeons, ropes and floggers. Of course, this is the case for some people, but there’s so much more to kink than just latex and rough sex and there are plenty of ways to explore it that are safe and pleasurable.

With more people exploring kink than ever – Feeld, the kinky dating app, saw a 250% rise in users between 2021 and 2022 – it’s worth knowing your safe words from your scene acronyms.

If you’re new to kink, you’re likely discovering lots of ideas that are new to you. This is exciting and you might just be about to open yourself up to a whole new world of pleasure. But there are a few things to keep in mind to ensure you and your partner(s) are safe as you step into a wonderful new world.

But listen, kink isn’t for everyone and it’s not something you should be pressured into by either society or a sexual partner. Sometimes good old back to basics sex is great. There’s a reason vanilla is everyone’s favourite flavour.

What is kink?

Kink refers to a wide range of sexual interests and activities, but it’s generally defined as a sexual activity or interest that society, generally, might consider unconventional. This includes things like roleplay, outdoor sex and power dynamics like Dom/Sub play, praise and degradation and cuckolding (watching your partner have sex with someone else).

You might have also heard of fetishes, which are slightly different, as they tend to involve attractions to very specific non-sexual things, like an inanimate object or a body part, such as feet. It’s important not to get kink and fetish confused because a fetish is a very specific sexual proclivity whereas kinks are much more common, although there are plenty of overlaps.

The most common kink you’ve probably heard of is BDSM, which stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism. It’s a catch-all term for lots of different types of relationships, dynamics and experiences, that often involve practices like choking, spanking and other elements of rough sex, if both partners consent to this. But many elements of BDSM are purely psychological, involving relationships where one person is sexually dominant and the other is sexually submissive.

Are BDSM and rough sex the same thing?

Rough sex isn’t necessarily BDSM and if rough sex is your kink, that doesn’t mean you’ll naturally be into chains and whips or psychological games and control. Rough sex tends to refer to sexual experiences that incorporate elements of pain or intensity for the purpose of pleasure. Of course, elements of rough sex are often part of BDSM practices and relationships, but they don’t have to be.

“Interestingly for many, BDSM doesn’t always include rough sex, but for some that enjoy combining rough sex with BDSM, there may be a mixture of consensual sadomasochism and power play dynamics happening,” explains Ness Cooper, a therapist and resident sexologist for sex toy company Jejoue. “Within some Dom and sub relationships, the individuals involved don’t explore sadomasochism at all and more see it as a form of relationship structure built around care, such as service submission or female led relationships,” Cooper continues.

Sometimes, simply knowing that you’re submissive or dominant to your partner is enough to turn you on and there are plenty of ways to show this that don’t involve physical domination. What matters is that you know your limits and how far you’re willing to give up control or be controlled, in and out of the bedroom.

“For some BDSM is a way of forming relationship routines and rituals, and this doesn’t have to include roughness or pain,” Cooper adds. “Rather these individuals may thrive from having a structured relationship that a heteronormative vanilla non-BDSM relationship structure doesn’t offer.”

How to stay safe when exploring kink

Kinks vary a lot and some kinks are riskier than others. For example, if your kink is wearing a particular type of outfit and engaging in gentle roleplay, there may be less of a physical risk than if your kink is being spanked with a paddle. Either way, there are a few things to keep in mind to make sure your experience of exploring kink is safe, sane and consensual.

1. Have a proper conversation about consent

It’s crucial that you take the time to talk about consent with a new partner and ensure you keep having these conversations on a regular basis, particularly if you’re experimenting with more unusual kinks or BDSM.

This might also include specifying what you like and dislike, which could change over time. “If you’re exploring any forms of rough play, chat about areas that you’re ok with being marked,” Cooper recommends. “Talk about consent and explore consent models that may work for your relationship dynamic,” she adds. There are a couple of consent models to consider, including FRIES and RACK. FRIES stands for consent that is Freely Given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic and Specific. Apply this checklist when discussing what you do and don’t consent to. Or use RACK, which stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink when you’re discussing the possible outcomes of what you’re about to do. Do some research on consent to help facilitate your conversations and figure out what works for you.

2. Take things slowly

Just because you’re experimenting with kinky sex, that doesn’t mean you need to jump right in at the deep end and passion in the heat of the moment doesn’t excuse rushing in and not giving or getting consent. It can be exciting trying something new, especially if the idea of it turns you on, but your body and your brain will need time to adjust so don’t go steaming in.

“If you’re exploring BDSM with someone for the first time, including sex may be too much all at once and may result in some individuals crashing quickly during the experience,” says Cooper. “Taking things slowly and breaking things up into micro BDSM sessions [where you don’t actually have sex] may be easier at first until you’re both used to how each other’s bodies react.”

When it comes to other kinks and fetishes, you don’t have to dedicate a whole evening to them. There are ways you can incorporate them into the type of sex you usually have, easing yourself and your partner(s) in with little tasters here and there.

3. Keep things clean

If your kinks involve any types of prop or toy, remember the importance of hygiene. Taking your toys to the sink after hours of hot sex isn’t the hottest part of sex, but it’s definitely worth doing in order to avoid infections and things like thrush.

Looking after yourself as well as your toys is also important, explains Cooper. “Cleaning any areas that may have consensual marks before and after is important to avoid infection and making sure you disinfect items such as spanking paddles can help reduce any future risks,” Cooper adds.

4. Use safe words

A safe word is a term or phrase that signifies that one partner wants whatever is happening to stop. Choose one with your partner(s) and agree on what it means to you. For example, does it mean you simply want to stop the specific thing that is happening and move on to something else, or do you want to take a break from the scene altogether? Many people use the traffic light system – red, amber, green – so there’s a way to signify both of these things.

“Keeping safe words simple and accessible is important and talking through them before BDSM play is important,” Cooper says.

5. Remember aftercare

One of the most important parts of exploring a kink is aftercare. This is the part post-sex where you check in with your partner, talk about what just happened, what you enjoyed and what you didn’t enjoy and what you’d do differently next time. After sex, especially doing something kinky or new, it’s normal to feel vulnerable, so take this opportunity to show each other care and support.

If you’ve had some intense moments in your play session, ease each other down off the adrenaline high with soothing cuddles, massages and anything that makes you both feel good. Aftercare can be as simple as a shower together and a cup of tea.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A sex educator explains orgasms

— Plus an exercise for expanded pleasure

The best orgasms come when you learn how to unlock a sexual “flow state.” Emily Nagoski, a sex educator, shares a meditation to help you get started.

With Emily Nagoski

EMILY NAGOSKI: Unfortunately, virtually all of the orgasms that are available to us in the mainstream media and in porn are fake. The classic example, of course, is “When Harry Met Sally,” Meg Ryan.

MEG RYAN: ‘Yes, yes, yes!’

EMILY NAGOSKI: Actually, what orgasm looks and sounds and feels like varies tremendously from person to person. But how do we learn about orgasm? We learn it from media, and we learn it from porn, and then we think we are doing it wrong if that’s not what our orgasm is like. And we’re not, we’re doing it right, we’re just not doing it the way we were told. And if other people have a problem with the way our orgasms actually are, those are not the people you have sex with. So the first thing we should talk about is what an orgasm actually is. Then we should talk about how they actually happen. Followed, of course, by why they sometimes don’t. And then at the end, I’ll give you some tips to have the biggest, most expansive orgasm you’ve had in your life.

I think people believe that orgasm is a genital function. It is not. Sometimes genitals are involved, but orgasm is something that happens in the brain. And there is a reliable neurological marker for when orgasm happens. And it depends how you measure it. If you measure it one way, at orgasm, the prefrontal cortex goes dark- all of the inhibitory impulses just vanish. In a different kind of machine, the brain lights up everywhere. It’s a whole brain response, orgasm. You have to have a brain to have an orgasm. How we experience an orgasm as pleasurable or not depends on the context in which we’re experiencing it. So when you have a great, sex-positive context, orgasm can feel really good. But for some people, they might have an orgasm during unwanted sex. In that case, the orgasm feels like a betrayal, like their body has done something wrong and they feel broken.

So what orgasm actually is, here’s the definition I use: “It is the spontaneous involuntary release of neuromuscular tension generated in response to sex-related stimuli.” People can have orgasms from having their toes sucked. People can have orgasms from having their ear lobe sucked. People can have orgasms through breath and imagination. The only measure of an orgasm is whether or not you wanted and liked it. If you wanted and liked it, then it doesn’t matter what kind of stimulation got you there. Whatever works for you, is what works for you.

So we can’t even necessarily differentiate between which organ in your body is causing the orgasm to happen. There’s only one: There’s a brain orgasm. We can really struggle around an issue like orgasm, which seems so simple, but we’re taught that our identities are tied to our ability to have orgasms. One of the common experiences for people who struggle with orgasm is this thing that sex therapists call “spectatoring.” Where instead of enjoying the sensations that are happening in your body, you’re sort of watching your body; and worrying about it and thinking about is your face okay, should you be bending your spine in that direction? And all of that worry about your body is just keeping the brakes on and making it more difficult for you to enjoy the sex you are having.

Charles Carver, the researcher in Florida who, with his colleagues, developed this mechanism called ‘Criterion velocity and the discrepancy-reducing increasing feedback loop.’ I just call it “the little monitor.” And it’s as if there is a little monitor in your brain that knows what your goal is. It keeps track of how much effort you put in toward that goal, and it notices how much progress you’re making toward that goal. And it has a strong opinion about the ratio of effort to progress. When your little monitor switches its assessment of your goal from being attainable to being unattainable, it pushes you off an emotional cliff from frustrated rage down into a pit of despair.

The ironic intervention when you’re struggling with orgasm is take orgasm entirely off the table for a long time, months at a time, and just explore your erotic landscape: experience high levels of arousal, and lower levels of arousal, and feel what it feels like to approach orgasm knowing that you are not going to have one. The reason we take away the goal entirely is to help the monitor relax. Are you achieving your goal? If your goal is pleasure, and your little monitor is like “Pleasure: check!” your monitor is released from the necessity of judging you and trying to motivate you to work harder. Working harder to have an orgasm is rarely the thing that’s gonna get people where they wanna go. And if people struggle too long and they feel like there’s something wrong with them and they’re broken, they absolutely find themselves in a pit of despair. And if you’re feeling in a dark place because there’s something wrong with your orgasms: connection with other people, connection is the most important antidote to the darkness. The only measure of an orgasm is whether or not you wanted and liked it. If you practice experiencing pleasure without making it goal-oriented or trying to achieve orgasm, but rather just to experience all the pleasurable sensations your body is capable of, you win every time.

So here’s an exercise that helps you to expand your orgasms: Anyone with any set of genitals of any gender identity can practice this. You can do it alone or with a partner. This takes about an hour, generally, and it takes a lot of practice. You gotta choose how you spend your time. You could do this or you could just like watch Netflix. It is not necessary in order to be a sexually-well person by any means; it is the equivalent of running a marathon. Nobody needs to do it, but if you need a hobby, I recommend this one. Versions of this are part of tantric meditations where they use Kundalini breathing in order to access different spiritual states, but ultimately, it’s about the physiology of how orgasm tension generates and dissipates. And when you can get to a place where as much tension is coming in as is going out at the same time, it’s like every cell in your body is resonating at the same rhythm, like you’re a bell that’s ringing. You’re gonna notice some things about this practice that will probably remind you of mindfulness or other forms of meditation, especially breath meditation.

I’m gonna ask you to pay attention to the sensations that are happening in your body. And that comes really easily to some people, and for others, it is quite difficult. They get distracted, and that’s fine. Like a mindfulness practice, if you notice other distracting thoughts come along, and maybe it’s a thought about body self-criticism, maybe it’s a thought about the past, just, “Hello, distracting thought. I’m gonna put you on a shelf right now, and I’m gonna turn my attention back to the sensations that are happening all over my body.”

Every orgasm is different from every other orgasm, but there are some strategies that work for a lot of people to move in the direction of having quite an enormous orgasm. You imagine arousal from like zero, not at all aroused to 10, currently having an orgasm. You stimulate yourself in whatever way works for you up to about a five, and then you allow that arousal to dissipate. You let yourself get back down to a one. So a one just feels like just barely any attention drifting toward orgasm. And then you stimulate yourself back up to a six, right? This is still a middle level of arousal. You’re not very aroused, you’re nowhere near orgasm. And then you allow your arousal to drift back down to a two and then you stimulate yourself back up to a seven. And if you are at the beginning of this process, you’re gonna be learning what seven feels like versus a three, which you’re gonna let your arousal drift back down to a three, and then you’re going up to an eight. And at eight, you’re real aroused. You might see the orgasm train coming to the station. It’s not there yet, but you can hear it- there’s a whistle. And then you allow your arousal to drift back down to a four or a five. And then you go up to an eight and a half, go back down to a six. And up to a nine.

Now when you get to a nine, the orgasm train is pulling into the station and the doors are opening and you would like to get on, but you’re gonna put active effort into allowing your arousal to dissipate. Remember, it’s neurophysiological tension, so you’re just going to allow the tension. You’re literally going to breathe and soften all the muscles of your body because as you get to that eight, eight and a half, nine level of arousal, you’re gonna begin to experience carpal pedal spasms, carpal like carpal tunnel syndrome. Your hands are gonna clutch and your feet are gonna point and your ankles. And that’s involuntary. And you’re gonna make a voluntary choice to soften all of your muscles and let your arousal go back down to a seven, which is a high level of arousal but it’s not an eight or a nine. And you go back up to a nine and a half. Now at a nine and a half, you’ve got one foot on the train and it might feel like it’s pulling outta the station. And you know what? If the train pulls outta the station while you’re on the orgasm train, “Oh dear, you had an orgasm.” That’s not failure, right? But, if you can, you keep your foot off the orgasm train and you go back down to an eight, nine and three quarters and an eight and a half, and a 9.85 where you are really close like you can feel the orgasm right there. And you’re gonna soften all the muscles in your body from your core out to the periphery. And at this point, you are oscillating right at the peak of where orgasm is. And if you can maintain a balance of tension generation and tension relaxation, you can stay in that state and sustain it indefinitely.

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9 Benefits of Sex Therapy

—The benefits of sex therapy are multiple and go beyond those related to sexual dysfunctions. Take note of all the information.

By Valeria Sabater

Currently, a significant part of the population is unaware of all the benefits of sex therapy. There’s still a certain stigma and the classic belief that only those who present some dysfunction, such as anorgasmia or premature ejaculation, go to these professionals. However, this methodology addresses multiple dynamics and needs.

It’s important to know that its most relevant purpose is to make you feel good. Such an objective implies achieving everything from having satisfactory intimate relationships to building happier bonds with your partner.

Addressing concerns and possible traumas or even giving you guidelines to guide your adolescent children on issues related to sex are also some of the benefits of sex therapy. In this article, we’ll explain everything this form of therapy does for you.

What are the benefits of sex therapy?

Sex therapy was developed in the 1960s, thanks to the marriage of William Masters and Virginia Johnson. Their book, Human Sexual Response (1966), was quite revolutionary because it broke down many prejudices and taboos. Since then, this approach has been strengthened, and it integrates the medical model with the psychological one.

The technique is feasible both for individuals and for couples and is based on conversation that creates a framework of trust from which to provide solutions and tools for having a more harmonious life on both emotional and sexual levels. In addition, it has great scientific endorsement and, every day, contributes to recovering the well-being of thousands of people. Below, we’ll describe the main benefits of sex therapy.

1. It contributes to having a more satisfying sex life

Sex life with your partner may no longer be as exciting or satisfying as it used to be. Sometimes, without any physiological problem, there’s something wrong and it’s difficult to restore that special harmony you used to share. A work published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior indicates that one of the most common causes for which therapy is sought is a discrepancy in sexual desire.

The fact that one partner in the relationship wants to have sex more often, while the other avoids it, is common. Therefore, something a sex therapist will guide and help you with is having a full intimate life. This implies resolving any difficulties, disagreements, or inconveniences in this area.

2. The treatment of sexual problems

Throughout our lives, people can go through different sexual problems. Sometimes it’s a difficulty in achieving an orgasm, while, in other cases, conditioning factors such as menopause, times of stress, or suffering from a disease play a part when it comes to enjoying intimate relationships.

Mayo Clinic Proceedings reports something important in a study. A significant portion of sexual dysfunctions in women go unrecognized and untreated. Men are also often reticent on this issue. For this reason, it’s important for society to become aware of the benefits of sexual therapy. Next, we’ll go into detail about the conditions that the methodology usually addresses:

  • Phobias
  • Paraphilias and sexual fixations
  • Vaginismus
  • Premature ejaculation
  • Male impotence
  • Hypoactive sexual disorder
  • Female Orgasmic Disorder
  • Male Orgasmic Disorder
  • Possible sexual addictions
  • Sexual problems in menopause
  • Dyspareunia (painful intercourse)
  • Sexual difficulties associated with aging
  • Sexual problems associated with other diseases
  • Improving the sex life of couples during and after pregnancy
  • Improving the sex life of people with physical or psychological disabilities

3. Discovery of the most powerful sexual organ

The most decisive sexual organ is your brain, and the best way to have a satisfying sex life is to stimulate your imagination. In this way, some aspects that you’ll work on in therapy are your fantasies and desires.

These dimensions are extraordinary channels for awakening eroticism and enlivening your relationship as a couple, deactivating prejudices, and dismissing shame.

4. Reducing fears and anxiety

Have you heard of sexual performance anxiety? There are many people who doubt their ability to offer pleasure to their partners. The fear of not being up to the task, failing, or appearing clumsy or inexperienced is a frequent reality in clinical practice.

For this reason, one of the benefits of sex therapy is to address fears related to sex. There are multiple strategies that make it easier to effectively resolve insecurities in order to have a rewarding sex life.

Likewise, therapists always create a space of empathy, security, and trust from which to clarify your doubts and receive effective advice in any area. Psychoeducation on sexual matters also falls within their tasks.

The pharmaceutical industry seeks to provide a solution to sexual dysfunctions that can be addressed through sex therapy. Many of the problems in this area have more to do with mental factors than with physiological conditions.

5. Overcoming sexual trauma

An article in the scientific journal Frontiers in Psychology highlights that patients with sexual trauma need a special type of care that provides adequate security and respect for their personal history. Sex therapy has always addressed such delicate realities as abuse, rape, or mistreatment in couple relationships.

6. Enhanced intimacy and emotional connection

Authentic pleasure in sex doesn’t occur in the body but originates in the brain, as we’ve already suggested. If you’re in crisis with your partner and there are unaddressed grudges or disagreements, it’ll be difficult to enjoy intimacy. Given this, a sex therapist guides you to promote coexistence and connection with your loved one through the following strategies:

  • Teaching resources to solve problems
  • Offering techniques that improve communication
  • Providing strategies to revive desire in the relationship
  • Facilitating spaces in which partners can get to know each other in a more intimate and profound way
  • Collaborating in better regulating emotions in order to connect in a meaningful way

7. Sex therapy allows you to get to know yourself much better

One of the most notable benefits of sex therapy is its impact on your mental health. Sex goes beyond the biological field: It’s also a psychological dimension and, above all, a cultural one. Sometimes, the way you’re educated or even the prejudices you have on this subject condition your ability to enjoy a full life in this regard.

The specialist in this area will allow you to explore and get to know yourself better as a person. You’ll be able to understand your sexuality, fantasies, and desires. No matter your age or the personal moment in which you find yourself, you always have time to look within yourself, drop your defenses, reformulate misconceptions about sex, and enjoy it.

8. It’s an inclusive therapy

Today’s sex therapy is also inclusive. What does this mean? You can find therapists trained in sexual diversity. McGill University in Montreal alludes to the advances that exist right now. This clinical field moves with our times and works to challenge stereotypes and promote a more inclusive and equitable vision of sexuality.

In this way, members of the LGBTIQ+ community benefit from more sensitive, trained, and effective attention to their particular needs and realities.

9. The prevention of future problems

Sex therapy not only addresses problems and educates us in the field of sexuality, but it also has a decisive role in prevention. Even if right now you feel good in your life as a couple and have good intimate health, it never hurts to learn new tools to avoid or address possible future problems.

Knowing, for example, how daily stress affects sexuality or how to respond to monotony in your emotional bond through new approaches are strategies that therapists educate you.

How to find a sex therapist who can help me?

Remember, you don’t have to wait for serious problems in order to start sex therapy. It’s best to go as soon as you have a concern or doubts or don’t feel satisfaction with your intimate life. If you want to look for a therapist in this area, look at the fields in which they specialize. There are some professionals who exclusively address organic or medical aspects.

However, most are prepared to treat both possible dysfunctions and relational problems and advise you on any aspect related to sexuality. Always contact specialists who follow techniques backed by science and don’t forget the most decisive thing: Being honest. Don’t be afraid to express your needs and concerns. Only then will you receive the best care possible.

It might interest you…

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Beyond condoms and bananas

— The questions kids ask show the changing reality of sex education

If children and teenagers go looking for answers to their awkward questions on Google, what exactly will they find?

By Maani Truu

James* was in Year 3 when he walked up to his teacher and asked her what a 69 was.

He had heard the number being joked about by other students and wanted to know what on earth they were talking about.

Not satisfied with the teacher’s response, he tried another teacher, and then another, who promptly told him to stop asking. A phone call from the school to his mother set in motion a conversation that’s still ongoing to this day.

Now 11 years old and in Year 5 at an inner-Sydney public school, James matter-of-factly describes his peers talking about “Porn Hub”, performatively “moaning” in front of teachers, or looking up sexually explicit anime, known as “hentai”, at sleepovers.

“Most kids just say stuff because they’ve heard other kids say stuff,” he says, speaking with the permission of his parents.

“But the other kids know what they’re doing … like telling younger kids how to get on to certain websites, telling kids how to turn off Google Safe Search so their parents or anyone can’t track them.”

Rowena Thomas, a sex and relationships educator who runs workshops in primary schools across New South Wales, is well acquainted with kids’ curly questions. You can see some of the ones she’s asked throughout this article.

A white post it note that reads, in handwriting: "Should I be scared if I have seen porn" next to a doodle of a scared face.

That curiosity is nothing new, but widespread access to the internet and the terabytes of graphic and often violent pornography it hosts has given rise to a fresh set of concerns: if children and teenagers are left to go looking for answers to their awkward questions on Google, what exactly will they find?

Last month, this harsh reality was at the heart of a heated debate over a brightly-coloured sexual education book that offers frank explanations of how sex works, the myths and taboos surrounding it, masturbation, and consent, alongside cartoon drawings of body parts.

Vocal critics of Welcome To Sex, written by broadcaster Yumi Stynes and former Dolly Doctor Melissa Kang, argued the book was inappropriate for children (the book is marketed to teens between 12 and 15), leading to it being pulled from Big W shelves.

The book cover of Welcome to Sex.
Welcome to Sex, by Dr Melissa Kang and Yumi Stynes, was removed from Big W shelves following backlash.

Others hit back that books like Welcome to Sex are a crucial counter to harmful content readily available online. The furore was raised in a senate inquiry into consent laws, where author and advocate Jess Hill said it showed “just how little adults know about the sex lives and sex education of young people”.

At the heart of the debate were simple questions, complicated by the complicated emotions that so often inform views on sex. When, where and from who should young people access information about sex, and perhaps more importantly, how does this measure up to the reality of what’s already happening?

“We need to be talking about the dangers of pornography, just like we talk about the dangers of swimming in a rip or riding a bike without a helmet,” Ms Thomas says.

“Parents aren’t talking about it because they don’t think that their nice child would watch pornography — very nice kids watch pornography because they’re curious.”

How young people are learning about sex

Ms Thomas has been teaching sex and relationship education for 30 years and over that time, she says, children have become “much more inquisitive, much more open, and much more honest”.

Her anonymous question box has given thousands of students a place to direct the queries that they’re too embarrassed to ask anyone else. Scribbled on colourful notes and peppered with misspelt words, they provide a snapshot into what students already know, and crucially, what they don’t.

A woman with dark hair and red glasses points to a projection behind her that says SEX in giant letters.
Rowena Thomas has been teaching sex and relationships education for 30 years.

Some of the questions are childishly naive (“Can sperm drown?”), others are imbued with genuine concern (“Is it normal to have public hair at the age of 10?”), but the question she gets the most usually comes from a place of intense curiosity: “What does the number 69 mean?”

“I hear it nearly every day,” Ms Thomas says. “So parents think that immediately they have to go into talking about oral sex, but that’s not what the kids are asking. The kids are just curious, the number 69, what on earth does it mean?”

Sometimes they’ve heard it in the playground, like James, or from an older sibling. But it’s the information source in kids’ pockets that she’s most worried about. Just under half of all Australian children between the ages of six and 13 use a mobile phone, and one in three have their own phone, according to data collected by the Australian Communications and Media Authority in 2020.

While parental controls are available to limit what apps and websites young people can access, they aren’t fail-safe. Not only are increasingly tech-literate young people adept at bypassing them, it just takes one student with lenient controls for information to spread through school grounds.

“Not every kid is watching porn, but a couple of kids in the class are watching porn, you can tell in nearly every class,” Ms Thomas says. “They get shown stuff, they get air-dropped pictures, they’re maybe at a friend’s house … and they want to fit in.”

A peach post-it note hat reads, in messy handwriting: "Why is there different type of sex."

Most children see pornography long before they ever have sex, and it only takes a few taps to go from a Google search to a plethora of hardcore videos depicting unrealistic and harmful sexual encounters. “How sad is that? Because that’s not what sex should be like,” Ms Thomas says. “As soon as a child gets access to the internet, we should be saying to them: ‘If you see a naked picture online, I would be so proud of you if you tell me’.”

Most of the time Ms Thomas is teaching Year 4 to Year 6 students, which means she has to find age-appropriate ways to introduce tricky topics. Her sessions cover a lot of ground, from bodies and puberty, to sexual health, and staying safe online, which includes pornography (though she calls it “unsafe or inappropriate pictures”). Sometimes she delivers pared-back workshops on bodily safety and consent to kindergarteners.

With younger children, for example, she might introduce bodily boundaries in the context of hugging or tickling. With older students, there’s more of a focus on building healthy relationships.

“Age appropriate is a very difficult thing to talk about because it really does depend on your kid,” Ms Thomas says. “But every child is definitely mature enough to be talking about this stuff, in an age-appropriate way, according to where you think your child is at.”

She is big on caregivers being “askable adults”, something she focuses on when she runs workshops for parents. If a child comes forward with a question or story, no matter how shocking or awkward, she encourages adults to treat it as a positive teaching moment — respond calmly, fake it if you have to, and validate their feelings, rather than shutting down the conversation.

A white piece of paper with a handwritten question that reads: "What happens in your body that makes you have a bonur?"

It’s an approach James’ mother, Lisa*, has adopted. The pair have an open dialogue when it comes to sex, something she felt she didn’t have a choice in once she realised what her son was being exposed to. While James is quick to fill her in on what goes on away from adult eyes, letting her know when one of his peers has been looking up “weird” websites, she’s aware that not all parents are as clued in.

“I do worry that there’s a disconnect between what people think kids are doing these days and what kids are doing, and that divide is only going to get larger if we don’t start seeing it for what it is,” Lisa says. “If he was in Year 4 when he first heard moaning [in the playground], there would be kids in kindergarten hearing it now, because it’s not going away.”

Lisa believes her son’s school has a porn problem, one that neither teachers, principals, nor parents know how to deal with despite her attempts to raise it. “They’re sticking their heads in the sand,” she says. “It’s not that they don’t know, it’s that they don’t want to know.”

The talk no one wants to have

Jennifer Power, an associate professor at La Trobe University’s Australian Centre in Sex, Health and Society, says it’s not surprising that parents shy away from having these conversations with their children. “They’re not sure what’s age-appropriate, or when to raise these issues, let alone how to do it,” she says. “They’re not comfortable. The kids are uncomfortable. No one wants to have that conversation, and they’re worried they’re going to get it all wrong.”

Just because young people aren’t opening up to their parents about sex, doesn’t mean they’re not engaging in it. A 2021 survey run by La Trobe University and funded by the Department of Health found the average age for first viewing pornography was 13.6, and the average age for first experience of oral, vaginal and anal sex was 15. More than half of Year 11 and Year 12 students said they had sexual experience or were currently sexually active.

A blue post-it note that reads, in messy handwriting: "Is sperm consciously released or is it just randomly released?"

The survey included the responses of almost 8,000 Year 11 and 12 students, from a range of different backgrounds and schools, however, it only recruited respondents through social media advertising, meaning it’s possible the results skewed to reflect students who were sexually aware or comfortable discussing the topic.

Despite half of the respondents stating they had sexual experience, only 25 per cent of the total cohort felt their most recent relationship and sexual education class at school was “very or extremely relevant to them”.

“When we asked people to explain that … the thing that really stood out was people saying they thought they would learn more about sex,” Dr Power says. “It’s not tapping into what young people are looking to learn about and I suspect young people probably go online to try and find that stuff out.”

The national curriculum — which is used in all states and territories except Western Australia, Victoria and New South Wales, which have their own syllabus informed by the national curriculum — includes broad mandatory topics, like reproduction and sexual health, contraception, and relationship and dating safety. What these lessons actually look like, however, is much more open to interpretation and varies from school to school, teacher to teacher.

Curtin University sexologist Jacqueline Hendriks believes this lack of detail is a problem. As a comparison, she points to the United Kingdom’s curriculum which states in detail what students are expected to learn, such as: “facts about the full range of contraceptive choices” and “how to recognise the characteristics and positive aspects of healthy one-to-one intimate relationships”.

Teachers are often also not specifically trained in delivering sex education, she says, which can lead them to default to topics and lessons they are familiar with. “Because they’ve not been trained in sexuality education, they’ve not seen it in practice, they’re not comfortable doing it,” she says.

A yellow post-it note that reads, in messy handwriting: "What is discharge and what does it look like?"

The lack of training, along with time constraints, is why schools frequently opt to bring in outside educators or speakers to cover the material. Often this takes the form of a one-off workshop or lecture, something Dr Hendriks says is counter to the best-practice approach of building up lessons over time.

“It’s much easier to get a guest speaker in, chuck every kid in an auditorium and lecture to them for an hour, so they [the school] can tick the box,” she says. “That can sometimes be a great starting point, but you want a lot of little lessons over time … and if it’s done well, it actually does take time, and schools don’t necessarily have that luxury.”

Overall, looking internationally, Dr Hendriks says Australia is about middle-of-the-road when it comes to the delivery of quality sex education but adds that any efforts at improvement are an uphill battle. “We are constantly fighting to be able to deliver really comprehensive and contemporary programs, there’s always push-back,” she says. “It’s always two steps forward, one step back.”

That’s partly because some parents and politicians would prefer schools steer clear of sex altogether. Just last month, the Queensland Liberal National Party voted against sexual consent being taught in schools at their annual state conference, with members arguing that it should be the responsibility of parents.

How sex ed is changing

Dr Hendriks started working in sex education in the ’90s, shortly after the HIV epidemic had spurred educators into teaching the topic in schools for the first time. The lessons were largely focused on sexually-transmitted disease, and weaponised fear to stop young people from becoming sexually active, “but at least we were able to talk about it in schools”, she says.

In the decades since, what constitutes sex ed — officially called sex and relationships education or RSE — has expanded far beyond the tokenistic demonstration of how to put a condom on a banana.

A pink post-it note that reads, in messy handwriting: "How do I teach myself how to love myself?"

There have been moves to increase representation of diverse sexualities and gender, and steps to educate young people about sexual violence. Most recently the national curriculum was updated to explicitly include lessons on consent, following a petition by advocate Chanel Contos calling for it to be made compulsory.

While Dr Hendriks says these are positive steps, she’s worried the focus on sexual violence signals a return to the fear-based rhetoric of the past. “It’s still about violence prevention, as opposed to, let’s look at it from a positive viewpoint,” she says, “like you’re growing up and your body is changing and you may start interacting with other people in a sexual way … here’s how you can do that in a really fun, enjoyable, healthy and respectful way.”

Ms Thomas is more optimistic about where things are heading. “When I work at night with parents and kids, I ask ‘how has this education changed?’ and they say, ‘we’re talking about it more’,” she says. “That’s my whole thing: open, shame-free, honest, lifelong conversations that change as your child gets older. It’s not easy, but it’s awesome because it’s all about connecting with your child.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Don’t feel pressured, learn to ‘simmer’ and keep experimenting

— How to have great sex at every stage of life

Expert tips on a fun, fulfilling sex life – for teenagers, octogenarians and anyone in between

By

Age 16-25

Don’t worry if your first time isn’t perfect
“It’s not helpful to think of sex as having one big ‘first time’. You’ll probably have lots of first times,” says Milly Evans, author of Honest: Everything They Don’t Tell You About Sex, Relationships and Bodies Instead, she advises breaking it down into all the individual firsts you might have – “your first time having oral sex, penetrative sex, using hands or using toys”. Even if you experience all of these with one person, there will be a whole new set of firsts to explore with a different partner.

Communication is the thing that matters most
This holds true whatever age you are, according to Clover Stroud, author of My Wild and Sleepless Nights “Communicating clearly about desire, or how you like to be touched or treated, isn’t easy. I wish I’d known how much sex improves as you get older and become more confident about what you like and how to communicate those needs.”

Being ready to have sex is more than just a feeling
“It’s about lots of practical and emotional things too,” says Evans. “Does the idea of having sex make you excited or anxious? Do you know enough about contraception, STIs and consent? Do you know where to access support if something doesn’t go to plan? Would you have to drink alcohol in order to feel confident enough to have sex? Is there a safe place for you to have sex? Safety, comfort and wellbeing are essential.” If you can’t answer all of these questions positively, you probably aren’t ready.

Think about what you want ahead of time
“Reflecting can help you feel more prepared and in control,” says Evans. “Take a look at boundaries around things like touch, communication and time. Ask yourself if the relationships or sex depicted on TV, in books or on social media are what you’d like from your own. And remember that sex is something that happens with you, not to you – speak up about what you want, and encourage partners to do the same.”

Switch off negativity
“As you’re looking at movies or television or porn, or magazines or music videos or social media, ask yourself, ‘After I see this, am I going to feel better about my body as it is today, or worse?’” says sex educator Emily Nagoski, in her book Come As You Are. “If the answer is ‘worse’, stop buying or watching those things.” This is especially important where porn is concerned.

As the recent report from the children’s commissioner for England, Rachel de Souza, has highlighted, the increasingly abusive, aggressive behaviour depicted on many mainstream porn sites is normalising sexual violence and exploitation among teenagers, affecting their mental health and undermining their ability to develop healthy sexual relationships.

You have the right to change your mind
“Don’t feel pressure to do something sexually that you’re not comfortable with,” advises psychotherapist Silva Neves, author of Sexology: The Basics. “You can always say ‘no’ or ‘pause’, or say ‘no’ after you’ve said ‘yes’.”

Age 25-35

It’s good to simmer
“The happiest erotic couples make a point of enjoying feeling aroused together for its own sake – even on days when sex isn’t on the menu,” says US sex therapist Stephen Snyder, author of Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship. “In sex therapy we call this simmering. It’s what teenage couples do whenever they get a moment’s privacy. Quick, intimate bodily contact, fully clothed – just enough to get you slightly buzzed.”

Penetrative sex isn’t the gold standard (nor, for that matter, is simultaneous orgasm)
Many of what we have come to perceive as cultural markers of sexual excellence are spurious ideas that are now being refuted by science – and more honest, open debate around the subject. Such ingrained cultural beliefs are worth challenging. Do what works for you rather than what society tells you ought to work for you. For example, says Neves: “Many gay men don’t have anal sex at all, but prefer oral sex and intimate touching. Similarly, many women have very good sex without penis-in-vagina sex.”

You need to set the right conditions for sex
Context is everything, explains Nagoski. If you’re feeling relaxed, loved and fully present (as opposed to, say, worrying about an email you need to send, an argument you’ve just had, or whether the children might walk in on you) you’re likely to have better sex. If you’re not, it doesn’t matter how sexy your partner is, how much you love them, how fancy your underwear is or how many candles you light – almost nothing will activate that desire. Nor is it about what you do with your partner, which body parts go where, or how often, or for how long. It’s about sharing sensation in the context of profound trust and connection, and recognising the difference between what great sex is really like and what most of us expect great sex to be like.

You don’t have to have sex at all
“Gen Z are having less sex than millennials, who have less sex than older generations. This is often treated as a bad thing, but it might reflect more self-awareness in a hypersexual society,” says Aimée Lutkin, author of The Lonely Hunter: How Our Search for Love Is Broken. “Think about what you want out of sex and be honest about whether it is the thing you are really seeking. Is it intimacy? Community? Distraction? If it is sex, that’s great. The more in touch you are with your needs, the more likely it is you’ll make the connections you want to.”

Commitment and monogamy can be exciting
“In my teens and 20s, I thought good sex was about physical desire,” says Stroud, “but in my 30s I realised that feeling psychologically ‘seen’ by another, and trusting them implicitly, is where good sex starts. Then you learn to take huge risks with them too. At that point, commitment and monogamy get really exciting.”

Age 35-45

It’s normal for sex to drop off the list of priorities
“When you have a new baby or you’re caring for an elderly parent, overwhelmed with work or coping with some other form of stress, sex won’t be top of the agenda (though for some it will be a useful stress reliever),” writes Nagoski. “Don’t panic about it. It’s a phase you’ll pass through when you’ve managed the stress, and you’ll find your way back to the other side.”

Have a six-second kiss
“Greet one another at the end of the day with a kiss that lasts at least six seconds, or a hug that lasts at least 20 seconds. That guarantees you will both produce the hormone of emotional bonding, oxytocin,” says relationships expert John Gottman, co-author of The Seven-Day Love Prescription.

Make sex a priority
“Don’t make lovemaking the very last item on a long to-do list,” says Gottman. “Make it a real priority. Go on an overnight romantic date at a local B&B, or farther afield, at least four times a year.”

Don’t try to second-guess what your partner will enjoy
Whether you’re trying to sustain sexual satisfaction in a long-term relationship or wondering why a new partner isn’t responding to your usual moves the way a previous one did, the key is to be really honest about what works (or doesn’t) for you, instead of expecting your partner to guess. “About a quarter of women orgasm reliably with intercourse,” writes Nagoski. “The other 75% sometimes, rarely or never do, but might orgasm through manual sex, oral sex, vibrators, breast stimulation, toe sucking or pretty much any way you can imagine. They’re all healthy and normal. Similarly, a woman can be perfectly normal and experience arousal nonconcordance, where the behaviour of her genitals (being wet or dry) may not match her mental experience (feeling turned on or not).”

Have sex with yourself
Whatever age you are, “masturbation can be a great way to explore your body and fantasies”, says Evans. “Spend time creating your own storylines and find out what turns you on. You can also explore a whole world of visual, written and audio erotic content – but make sure it’s ethical (ie it is consensual, treats performers with respect, and pays performers and makers fairly). Audio erotica, in particular, has become more mainstream, especially among those who aren’t into visual porn, enjoy bringing their imagination into solo sex or want to try something new.” Two of the best-known platforms are Quinn and Dipsea, but it’s a fast-growing market.

Mothers are allowed to enjoy sex, too
“It is a complicated balance, being both a mother and a sexual being,” says Lucy Roeber, editor of the Erotic Review, which relaunches later this year. “In our society, we sometimes expect women who give birth to pass through a door into an idealised state of maternal preoccupation without a backward glance. Yet they have the same messy lusts and cravings. My advice is: don’t strive to be too perfect a mother and don’t deny yourself pleasure. It is surprisingly easy for women to accidentally put their sexual being to one side while they work on motherhood. Yet the two can and should work together. After all, in most cases, it was sex that started the process of parenthood in the first place.”

Age 45-55

To cuddle or not to cuddle?
Snyder says that “cuddling tends to deplete a couple’s erotic energy. If you like to cuddle together while watching TV, then be sure to ‘simmer’ [see above] during the ad breaks.” Gottman, however, advises “a daily cuddling ritual for watching films and TV shows at home where you actually stay physically in touch with one another. On one of these nights offer to give your partner a 15-minute massage.”

Don’t wait for desire to strike – practise creating it
“Too many couples only have sex when they feel desire,” says Snyder. “That’s fine when you’re 20. But by 50 most people are more interested in a good night’s sleep. What to do? Have sex anyway.” Nagoski agrees that pleasure matters more than desire. She says: “Create a context that allows your brain to interpret the world as a safe, fun, sexy, pleasurable place. It’s called responsive desire and it asks that your partner help you in creating good reasons for you to be turned on. While some people have a spontaneous desire style (they want sex out of the blue); others have a responsive desire style (they want sex only when something pleasurable is already happening). The rest, about half of women, experience some combination of the two.”

Embrace body confidence
“I’ve found that being in my 40s is entirely liberating. We get better as we shed the self-consciousness of youth, the desire to please, the emotional pliability. I love my body. It is the map of the years I’ve lived,” says Roeber. Nagoski questions wider sex-negative culture. “If you’ve learned to associate sexual arousal with stress, shame, disgust and guilt, you won’t have as good a sex life as someone who associates it with pleasure, confidence, joy and satisfaction,” she says. “Begin to recognise when your learned disgust response is interfering with your sexual pleasure. Your genitals and your partners’, your genital fluids and your partners’, your skin and sweat, and the fragrances of your body – these are all healthy elements of human sexual experience.”

Manage the menopause
Hormonal changes during the menopause and perimenopause can trigger a host of symptoms (low libido, fatigue, low mood, vaginal inflammation or dryness) that do not make a recipe for romance, according to Dr Louise Newson, GP, menopause specialist and founder of the Balance app. “If you notice any of these changes, see a healthcare professional for a proper diagnosis and to discuss treatment options.” Don’t assume these issues will only start in your late 40s, either. “Though the average age of menopause is 51, one in 100 women will go through menopause before the age of 40. Even if you have an ‘average’ menopause, the perimenopause often starts in your early 40s.”

Have a sex date
“Set a date to meet naked in bed to do absolutely nothing at all,” advises Snyder. “Talk, if you like, but this isn’t the time for deep conversation. Instead, focus on experiencing what’s going on in your body at that moment. Time is an endless string of such moments. Pay attention to a few of them. That’s often the best preparation for good lovemaking afterwards.”

Learn how to reconnect
“It can be hard to connect to someone intimately if you don’t feel connected to them emotionally. Launching into ‘You don’t make me come any more’ or ‘You never want sex and I feel rejected’ will put your partner on the defence,” says Ammanda Major, head of service quality and clinical practice at Relate. “Saying, ‘I’ve noticed we seem to have drifted a bit on this and I’m really hoping we might talk about it’ is gentler. You’re not making assumptions about what your partner might be feeling, but you are showing that you’re interested in what they have to say about it. Once you’ve got those things in place, you can have a conversation about how to deal with it.”

You’re never too old to experiment
“We have one body, but it can experience so many different forms of pleasure, especially when we open our minds. The more we accept the lie that our lives are over at 40, the more we are just cutting ourselves off from possibility,” says Lutkin. Newson agrees: “Your 50s and 60s can be a time of sexual liberation when your children may have flown the nest or you may be back on the dating scene after the end of a relationship. Many of my patients tell me that HRT and testosterone have given them a new lease of life. Make sure you are using lubricants [see below] and toys that are safe. These can ease discomfort and make sex more enjoyable, but many brands of lubricant contain irritants like glycerine and parabens, and should be avoided.”

Age 55-65

Focusing on sex drive is a wrong turn
So often we use the catch-all phrase “sex drive” to describe our enthusiasm for, or lack of interest in, sexual activity. In reality the process is more complicated than whether you’re feeling in the mood or not. “Your brain has a sexual ‘accelerator’ that responds to ‘sex-related’ stimulation: anything your brain has learned to associate with sexual arousal,” says Nagoski. “It also has sexual ‘brakes’ that respond to anything your brain interprets as a reason not to be turned on. Constantly monitoring for footsteps in the hallway? Have sex when no one else is home. Tired? Have a nap. Icked out by grit on the sheets? Change them. Cold feet? Put on socks. Sometimes it really is this simple.”

Follow the recipe for romance
While everyone’s particular sexual preferences may differ, studies suggest there are some commonalities among couples who claim to have great sex lives. “From the largest study ever done on what makes for great sex, the Normal Bar study, as well as our own studies, there are a baker’s dozen suggestions that set apart people who say they have a great sex life from people who complain that their sex life is awful,” says Gottman. “Things that work include kissing passionately, giving each other surprise romantic gifts, talking comfortably about their sex life and having weekly romantic dates.”

Manage dryness
“One symptom affecting a healthy sex life that should be on every woman’s radar is vaginal dryness,” says Newson. “You might also experience soreness, itching, irritation, painful sex, vulval changes and UTIs. It can be hugely distressing – I’ve treated women who have been in so much discomfort they can’t put on a pair of trousers or even sit down, let alone have intercourse. But it can be managed by using vaginal oestrogen or HRT and avoiding tight-fitting clothing. You should also avoid perfumed soaps and shower gels or intimate-hygiene washes.”

Find out what you like as a couple and make it happen
Monogamy is sometimes framed as the death knell of erotic connection, but, says Nagoski, this is a red herring. “Passion doesn’t happen automatically in a long-term, monogamous relationship. But it does happen if the couple takes deliberate control of the context,” she says. So find out what is pleasurable for you as a couple and spend time creating the context that leads to it. Often, but not always, we fall into one of two categories – those who need space from a partner in order to create spontaneous desire and those for whom great sex tends to happen when it’s preceded by affection and intimacy.

Don’t take things for granted
People often get stuck in familiar routines in the bedroom but, whether you’re with a long-term partner or starting a new relationship, it’s important to check in now and then and ask whether your usual approach is working. “If something doesn’t feel quite right, it’s important to be able to talk about it honestly and caringly,” says Major.

Age 65-plus

Don’t rush things
“If you’ve been in a partnership for many years that has now ended, you may want to get out there and meet people,” says Major. “But if something doesn’t feel right, it isn’t. Whether you’re 18 or 58, having sex is something to do when you feel confident that there is a degree of trust. New partners may have different expectations from you and different experiences. That’s potentially two very different sets of boundaries.”

Make the wellness connection
Older generations sometimes see sex as a taboo subject. If that’s the case for you, try reframing sexual wellbeing as one component of your wider physical and mental wellbeing. Whether you’re eager to discover positions that are easier on arthritic joints or prefer the closeness of a cuddle, maintaining intimacy can significantly boost overall wellness. Conversely, good health habits can improve our sexual wellbeing, particularly as the effects of ageing start to kick in. “Not drinking too much, eating sensibly and exercising regularly can all have a beneficial impact on our sex lives,” says Major.

Seek medical help when needed
Many older couples say erectile dysfunction medications make sex less anxiety-provoking, says Snyder, just as a lubricant can help some women. “Sex and worrying don’t go well together. As a sex therapist, I’m always happy when a couple has one less thing to worry about.” Major agrees: “Issues like erectile capacity and vaginal dryness need not rule out a satisfying sexual connection. But seeking medical help where needed is important – lumps, bumps, weird bleeding and poor erectile capacity can be symptomatic of health issues. And with the number of STIs in the over-65s having significantly increased as people move out of long-term relationships and start new ones, it’s important to get checked out.”

Strive for connection
“Being able to share intimacy with a partner, as opposed to just wanting intimacy for yourself, is vital,” says Major. “Your level of energy or physical connection might be quite constrained, but it’s very possible through gentle touch, words or kindness to maintain that core intimacy. For some couples, the physicality of sex becomes unimportant in later life, but what they have is a deep emotional connection – an ability to talk honestly and openly and caringly with one another.”

Welcome your sexuality
“The most important thing you can do to have a great sex life is to welcome your sexuality as it is, right now,” says Nagoski, “even if it’s not what you wanted or expected it to be.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Sexual Aftercare is Just as Important as Sex

By Aliyah Moore

If you’ve ever heard someone say their sex life is subpar, chances are a lack of foreplay is on their list of complaints. This gripe is so common that most of us treat it as fact — consistently skipping foreplay leads to consistently disappointing sex.

What we rarely talk about, however, is what comes after sex, and it’s arguably even more critical than foreplay. The way we behave post-intercourse affects our sexual health, how we feel, how we value ourselves, and how we view sex.

What is Sexual Aftercare?

Just as foreplay deals with the way we treat each other before sex, aftercare is about how we treat each other when sex is over. It encompasses a wide range of activities that involve your body and mind.

Hygiene and Self-Care

You’ve heard it before, and you’ll hear it again: pee after sex! This is the easiest and most common example of postcoital hygienic self-care. Peeing after sex can help prevent infections or irritation in your genitals.

Do you or your partner take any medications? Setting the alarm or reminding each other to take them after sex, if needed, is aftercare. Anything that promotes your overall health and comfort is usually a good idea, such as a glass of water or a hot shower.

A hot cup of tea or a greasy order of takeout can help your bodied replenish nutrients. If you’re the kind of person who’s very active during sex, you may want to soothe your muscles by stretching, trading massages with your partner, or simply cuddling together for a while.

You might be noticing a theme here; aftercare is about you and your partner taking care of each other. It doesn’t matter if it’s casual sex, a new relationship, or your spouse of many years; your experience will always be more positive when you express intimacy and care, even if you don’t plan on staying together.

Intimacy and Emotional Well-Being

The human mind is an enigma, so it’s never easy to tell what your partner – or even yourself – needs after sex. Some of us naturally want distance, while others want to be closer. Some need the validation of physical touch and conversation, while others feel overwhelmed by intimacy and just need to spend ten minutes alone on their phone.

As long as it doesn’t hurt your partner, there’s no wrong answer; that’s why communication is so important. If you’ve been with your partner a while, they might already know what you need after sex and be ready to provide. If they’re a newer partner, you may need to learn what they need while expressing what you need.

So tell them and ask them what. It’s okay to say that you want to cuddle or that you need space. It’s okay to balance your needs with theirs. At some point, most of us will experience Post-Coital Dysphoria (PCD), which hits us with a tide of sadness, irritability, or even tears after sex. If this happens, it’s okay! Let your partner know what’s going on and that it’s not their fault. If they’re experiencing PCD, let them know it’s okay and ask what they need.

Most of all, though, be cognizant and considerate of both your emotions. Treat each other as attentively and kindly as you did before sex.

Why Aftercare Matters

Whether we like it or not, sex is an experience that triggers some kind of emotion and connection in most of us. Even the partners who run for the door when it’s over aren’t necessarily feeling nothing; rather, they’re cautious about what they might feel.

That’s okay, and to each their own, but sex is inherently intimate. When we treat each other with care and consideration after sex, we build on that intimacy. In a relationship, this brings two people closer together and positively associates sex with feelings of nurture and love.

Even after casual sex, good aftercare reaffirms both partners’ inherent value as people. In simpler terms, it reminds us that we deserve to be treated well even when no one wants something from us. This not only boosts our self-esteem but it reinforces positive behaviors that make us better lovers and better people.

On the other hand, ditching aftercare can make both partners feel the opposite. It’s common for people who neglect aftercare to feel used, and their self-esteem might take a hit too. In long-term relationships, this can give one or both partners negative feelings toward sex. This, in turn, might make them lose interest in sex, which often causes other problems in a relationship.

In terms of hygiene, people who don’t pee or clean themselves after sex are more likely to suffer from infections or deal with irritation in or around their genitals. No one wants that.

So why is aftercare so important? It keeps your body healthy and your sexual experience positive. In a relationship, it enhances your intimacy and, in any scenario, it reminds you that as a human in any situation, your partner is worth taking care of — and so are you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Ethical non-monogamy

— What to know about these often misunderstood relationships

By

Imagine Sarah and John have been in a monogamous relationship for five years. Although they love each other, Sarah, who is bisexual, has recently started feeling an attraction to her coworker, Andrea. This has led to several sexual encounters, leaving Sarah feeling guilty. However, she has not talked to John about her feelings or experiences with Andrea.

No matter how much you love your partner, it’s common to feel attracted to someone outside of a relationship. Some couples may even want sexual encounters with other people. It can be difficult to navigate these feelings, especially when they conflict with the commitment and promises made in the relationship. While the sex between Sarah and Andrea was consensual, Sarah engaged in non-consensual sex by stepping outside of her monogamous relationship without John’s consent.

There is growing curiosity about ethical or consensual non-monogamous relationships, particularly among young people. YouGov data found that 43% of millennial Americans say their ideal relationship is non-monogamous, even if few are in such a relationship. And a survey commissioned by sex toy brand Lelo, found that 28% of aged 18 to 24 would consider an open relationship.

What makes non-monogamy “ethical” is an emphasis on agreed, ongoing consent and mutual respect. All parties involved are fully aware of the situation and voluntarily agree to participate. Partners are free to change their minds at any time and (re)negotiate boundaries that work for everyone involved. Ethical non-monogamy can take many forms, including polyamory, open relationships and swinging.

These relationships are often stigmatised and misunderstood. They challenge the traditional notion of monogamy, which is commonly viewed in most western and religious societies as the only acceptable way of engaging in romantic relationships.

Yet research has shown that consensual non-monogamy can have positive effects on relationships and the people in them. People in consensual non-monogamous relationships have reported higher levels of sexual and relationship satisfaction and greater relational intimacy than people in monogamous relationships.

Misconceptions and stigma

One stigmatising view is that people in non-monogamous relationships pose a greater risk to their partners’ sexual health. This is based on the assumption that having multiple sexual partners increases the likelihood of sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

However, research shows that people in open and non-monogamous relationships have safer sex practices than monogamous, but unfaithful partners. Ethical non-monogamy can be a safer outlet for sexual expression compared with monogamous relationships that have led to cheating where someone ends up passing an STI to their partner.

In healthy relationships, partners recognise that each person has their own unique sexual preferences and diverse needs. For consensually non-monogamous partners, this means understanding that their primary relationship may not always fulfil all their sexual desires.

Although jealousy can still exist within non-monogamous relationships, research has found that it can be more manageable than in monogamous ones. This is because, in secure non-monogamous partnerships, there are open discussions about sexual attraction and setting boundaries, where partners can address jealousy anxiety.

Exploring non-monogamy

Ethical non-monogamy is not for everyone. You should only explore this type of relationship if it feels comfortable, you seek appropriate consent and the existing relationship is solid. Outsiders often hold the stereotypical view that people only engage in ENM if their current relationship is unstable.

If you decide that it’s right for you, keep the following in mind.

1. Communicate openly

Communication is important in any relationship, but especially critical in ENM relationships. Partners must be transparent and honest about their intentions, feelings, expectations and boundaries. People in non-monogamous relationships need to be aware of their emotional boundaries and be prepared to navigate feelings of jealousy.

2. Practice safe sex

Sexual health is key regardless of your relationship status or style. Get tested regularly for STIs and to use protection during sexual encounters to minimise the risk of transmission.

3. Stop shame

Managing stigma is one of the most difficult parts of an ENM relationship. When people are socialised to believe that having multiple partners is wrong or immoral, this can lead to feelings of shame and self-doubt. It is important to recognise that consensually non-monogamous and multipartnered relationships are a valid lifestyle choice. You can seek support from like-minded people or talk to a sex and relationship therapist if necessary.

While non-monogamy is not everyone’s cup of tea, these tips can be helpful for any relationship. Ultimately, it is essential to keep communication, consent and respect at the heart of your partnership.

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