Category: Sex Drive

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When One Partner Wants Sex More Than the Other

— Libido differences are a common part of relationships, sex therapists say. Here’s how to manage.

By Catherine Pearson

Frances and her wife have been together for more than 40 years, and early on in their relationship they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. Then came three children and a series of health issues (along with accompanying medications) that slowly eroded her wife’s libido.

“Her interest just went away,” said Frances, 61, who asked not to be identified by her last name out of respect for her wife’s privacy. “What had been maybe once a week went down to maybe once a month, then maybe once a year. Then at some point, it just stopped.”

For 10 years now, the couple has been in a sexual drought. Frances loves her wife and said their marriage was “strong.” But she also longs for the “mutuality” of sex.

“I find myself fantasizing about just about everyone I meet, and I feel guilty for these thoughts,” she said. “I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin.”

Recently, The New York Times asked readers about libido differences, and more than 1,200 wrote in, many sharing deeply personal stories of how they have navigated sexual incompatibilities. We also spoke to sex therapists and researchers who said that discrepancies in sexual desire were common, almost to the point of inevitability in long-term relationships. Research suggests that desire differences are one of the top reasons couples seek out therapy.

“I’m inclined to say that this happens in almost every partnership, either some of the time or more perpetually,” said Lauren Fogel Mersy, a psychologist, sex therapist and co-author of the forthcoming book “Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships.”

Many factors can influence libido: interpersonal dynamics, physical and mental health, the social messages around sexuality that people absorb during childhood and adolescence. The list goes on, and there are seldom easy fixes. But Dr. Fogel Mersy and other experts said more communication could help couples bridge gaps in sexual desire.

Focus on improving communication, not on trying to match your libidos.

When she sees clients with libido differences, Dr. Elisabeth Gordon, a psychiatrist and sex therapist, does not focus on lowering one partner’s sex drive or increasing the other’s. Instead, she helps partners understand what is driving those differences — which could be anything from relationship concerns to work stress — and, crucially, how to talk about them.

“I say this again and again, but the most important thing we can do is improve communication,” Dr. Gordon said. “Communication is the bedrock of sexual health.”

Joel, 40, and his wife of 12 years have struggled with sex for much of their marriage. The couple come from backgrounds that were rigid in different ways: His family was religious, and hers tended to avoid emotional topics. He is the partner with higher desire, and often can’t find the words to convey his frustration.

“I don’t want to feel needy,” said Joel, who also asked not to be identified by his last name to protect his family’s privacy. “And yet, at the same time, I want to express how important this is to me.” He said it can be “lonely” and “confusing” to sometimes feel like your partner is just not attracted to you anymore.

Dr. Gordon reminds clients like Joel of the basic tenants of good communication. Set aside a time to talk that isn’t at the end of a long day or when you are attempting to multitask. Consider what setting would help you feel comfortable, Dr. Gordon said, such as over a quiet dinner or during a walk.

Kristen Mark, a professor at the University of Minnesota Medical School’s Institute for Sexual and Gender Health, recommended using “I” statements, which can feel gentler and help curb defensiveness. (For instance, “I am not feeling much sex drive lately, because I am tired” or “I want to feel closer to you, whether we have sex or not.”) Or, she said, try the “sandwich method” — sharing a request or more difficult statement between two compliments.

Take time to identify intimacy inside and outside the bedroom.

Sex therapists who work with couples experiencing desire discrepancies may nudge their clients to expand their so-called sexual scripts. These are ideas people sometimes cling to about what sexual intimacy “should” look like and how it “should” unfold.

What matters is that you’re setting aside time for intimacy, whatever that means to you, Dr. Gordon said. For instance, she has seen clients who have compromised by having one partner hold the other while he or she masturbates.

A tattooed man and a woman lie on a bed with red sheets. The man is shirtless with his back facing the woman. The woman faces the man with her hand on the man's torso.

Most people have never thought about what, specifically, they get from sex, Dr. Mark said. Is it all about the physical pleasure? Fun? Emotional release or connection? Ask yourself, then try to brainstorm ways other than sex that you and your partner might fulfill at least some of those needs, she said.

Sex brings Jack, 23, and his boyfriend closer emotionally, he said, but they’re not having it as often as his boyfriend would like. Jack, who asked not to be identified by his last name out of respect for his partner’s privacy, has dealt with mental health issues that have hampered his sex drive. So he and his boyfriend have looked for other ways to foster the kind of intimacy they get from sex.

“Things as innocent as hugging or holding hands or standing next to each other and leaning on each other while we cook are important,” Jack said, “despite it not always being sexual,” he added.

Despite these moments of connection, his partner still struggles with hurt feelings, and Jack often feels like something is wrong with him. But finding ways to be intimate without being sexual has “helped combat some of the frustrations,” he said.

Be open to the different types of desire.

There are generally thought to be two types of sexual desire, Dr. Fogel Mersy said: spontaneous and responsive. Spontaneous desire comes on suddenly, much like what we see in movies or TV. Responsive desire happens in reaction to physical arousal through any of the five senses, like a pleasing touch or visual cue. It can happen quickly, or it can take some time to build up. People tend to overlook the benefits of responsive desire, Dr. Fogel Mersy said.

“Without teaching people that there are different types of sexual desire, many are left feeling broken,” said Jennifer Vencill, a psychologist and sex therapist who wrote the book “Desire” with Dr. Fogel Mersy.

The midsections of a man and a woman wearing black lying next to each other. Their hands are close but not touching.

In their book, they suggest partners consider the “willingness model,” a 0 to 10 scale, to answer the question: Am I willing to see if my sexual desire will arise or respond? A 0 means you are not willing to try to create responsive desire — and that is OK. (Consent is crucial.) But if you are at a 5, are you willing to hug or lie with your partner, and see if you feel open to more physical contact from there?

Seek outside help.

Therapists, particularly sex therapists, can be a valuable, and often underutilized, resource for couples with mismatched libidos. If the desire imbalance is causing fights or distance in your relationship, you might consider couples counseling. Ask prospective therapists whether they have dealt with your issue before, and don’t be afraid to offer feedback after a few sessions. Research shows it can make therapy more effective.

Keep in mind that sex therapists cannot treat underlying health conditions that may be affecting libido, such as pain associated with sex, low desire from certain medications or erectile dysfunction. Anyone with those concerns should see a physician.

Much of the work sex therapists do is focused on adjusting their clients’ expectations and normalizing experiences, Dr. Gordon said.

“We want them to understand,” she said, “that discrepancy in desire is extremely common, really normal, and it can be worked with.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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This is what it’s really like to have sex in your seventies

— As research shows that more people are sexing their way through their seventies than ever before, WH unpicks why the thought of the older generation getting their kicks makes people so uncomfortable

By Paisley Gilmour

As Richard* reaches for the massage oil, Belle assumes her position facedown on the bed. Spreading the warm liquid across her shoulders, his hands slowly creep down her body – taking extra care over her aching lower back.

Unable to resist any longer, she gently turns onto her front, spreads her legs and allows him to pleasure her until an orgasm ripples through her body.

‘When Richard has taken Viagra, I know he’ll be able to go for hours. So, once I come back down to earth, I reach for the lube and climb on top. My hips may not move as smoothly as they used to, but that doesn’t stop us climaxing.’

This is the sixth time 70-year-old Belle* and Richard, 85, who she met on a dating site 18 months ago, have had sex this week. And they’re far from alone: research has been telling us – for years, actually – that seniors are sexing their way through their seventies – and beyond.

A leading 2015 study funded by Age UK and carried out by researchers at The University of Manchester found that 54% of men and 31% of women over the age of 70 were still “sexually active”. A third were having sex at least twice a month. One 2018 survey by the University of Michigan also found that 40% of people between 65 and 80 reported being sexually active, with more than half of those who have a partner saying they still get down to it, while a further Swedish study in 2021 revealed that 10% of those over 90 were even having sex.

A Swedish study revealed that 10% of those over 90 were still having sex.

Clearly, the data shows that older people aren’t just having sex, but also (whisper it) enjoying it – but then, why shouldn’t they? Beyond the fact we’re living longer and lots of older adults have better access to sex-life saving healthcare and medication, many seniors looking for love or sex after divorce or the death of a spouse, have (contrary to the technophobe stereotype) also embraced the internet.

One 2021 US survey found more than a third of respondents over 55 had dated within the last five years, with 13% using dating apps or websites, and 7% turning to social media to meet someone. Psychosexual therapist Lohani Noor says the sex positivity and sexual wellness movement over the past decade has played an empowering part, and has noticed an increase in older people coming to therapy to explore their sexuality.

‘Many are finding the courage, after a lifetime of being repressed, to bring to life their buried authentic sexual selves,’ she says. ‘The joy of sexual liberation that our society affords is available to all and older people are grasping it with both hands before time literally runs out.’

Many younger people hold strong, often negative, reactions to the thought of senior sex

Yet even with this positive shift amongst older generations, many younger ones have long held strong, often negative, reactions to the thought of older people having sex. ‘Can we please draw the line at friction fires caused by unkempt, geriatric pubes rubbing together vigorously on polyester couches?’ said one viral Vice article titled “Old People Having Sex Is Gross” back in 2012.

Ten years later, the idea still leads to recoiling as shown in May this year when ABC announced a seniors-focused spinoff of the hit series The Bachelor, called The Golden Bachelor, where ‘one hopeless romantic is given a second chance at love in the search for a partner with whom to share the sunset years of life’. Fans of the OG show were quick to share their mocking reactions on Instagram, with comments ranging from ‘No. No. No.’ to, ‘Does this mean old folks? You guys…be for real’.

So why is it that eight years after Age UK’s landmark study, which lead researcher Dr. David Lee hoped would ‘counter stereotypes and misconceptions about late-life sexuality’ are people still weirded out by the thought of older people having good sex?

Exploring the senior sex taboo

Noor argues there’s an outright refusal that older folks are sexual beings, despite the research proving otherwise. ‘We’re discussing it more, but many feel uncomfortable about senior sex because we de-sexualise adults as they age,’ she says. ‘Referring to them in a sexual way becomes strangely repulsive.’

Joan Price, author of the Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex agrees it’s down to The Ick Factor. ‘Like, ‘Eww, old people having sex? That’s disgusting. No, don’t tell me la la la,’’ she says. After losing her husband at 57, Price is now 79 and enjoying her sex life. She believes the taboo is rooted in society’s wider fear of getting older and our mortality.

‘People have been taught growing up, and through the media, that they will only be sexually desirable if they use certain products, dress a certain way, and act a certain way [at a certain age]. That’s harmful.’

67% of over 65s feel sex and intimacy for their age group is rarely or never represented in media

Indeed, a study by Relate found that 67% of over 65s feel sex and intimacy for their age group is rarely or never represented in media. ‘When I went looking for books [about senior sex] it was doom and gloom,’ says Price, adding it felt like the world was saying ‘‘just give it up and crochet or play with grandchildren”. But sexual pleasure has no expiration date!’

Alyson*, 68, who’s been married for 36 years and has sex with her husband, Omar*, 67, twice a week, empathises with younger peoples’ anxieties about getting older. ‘There are many preconceptions: the doddery grandma is patronised and laughed at; her opinions are old fashioned – I think it’s all linked to a loss of respect for older people, like they’re not important, not visible or a nuisance,’ she says. ‘But I absolutely understand [the reaction] as young people don’t want to think about themselves as getting there too.’

“Young people imagine deteriorated bodies and think the whole thing would ‘look’ horrible”

Entrenched beauty standards have also bolstered the perception. ‘Young people imagine deteriorated bodies and think the whole thing would ‘look’ horrible,’ adds Belle. ‘Like two fat lumps of wrinkled flesh in the bed together. I think people think [sex] is meant to be a thing for young women and men. I don’t think my sons want to encounter being told anything about my sex life – and I don’t discuss it with them – but young people should know it can still be a huge amount of fun.’ And, importantly, with health benefits, too.

The joy of senior sex

Two years after his research was published, Lee teamed up with Professor Josie Tetley from Manchester Metropolitan University and after analysing findings from the English Longitudinal Study of Ageing, they discovered a clear link between positive sexual health and intimacy later in life, and better subjective well-being. A separate study published in the Journal Sexual Medicine in 2019 echoed these findings: participants with an average age of 65, who had reported any kind of sexual activity within the last 12 months, were found to have better wellbeing and a higher enjoyment of life.

‘When we experience pleasure and orgasm, the body releases endorphins that can strengthen our immune system, bring pain relief to chronic conditions, and improve our cognitive functioning,’ explains Noor. ‘These are particularly important in our senior years.’

“The health benefits generated from orgasm release are particularly important in our older years”

Miranda Christophers, a psychosexual therapist for online menopause platform Issviva, agrees that, for older people, ‘the benefits of sex may feel more important’ as our bodies age and we experience changes such as increased blood pressure. ‘Studies suggest blood pressure is lowered by physical contact, and being physically close with a romantic partner reduces C-reactive protein (CRP) which relates to inflammation,’ she says.

That said, the rise of senior sex has also brought a rise in STIs such as chlamydia, gonorrhoea and syphilis, with rates among the over 60s and 70s almost doubling in the last decade. Bianca Dunne, a nurse and co-founder of sexual health app iPlaySafe says the amount of people filing for divorce in their 50s and the rise of dating apps targeting the over 50s are contributing factors. ‘The exclusion of the over 50s [in government sexual health campaigns] has also resulted in a lack of education among this age group,’ she says.

Belle, who has always taken an STI test before and after a new partner, has dated a number of older men and seen this lack of senior sex education first-hand. ‘Our generation are meeting people on dating websites regularly and having unprotected sex,’ she says. ‘There’s no fear of pregnancy. Ask a 70-year-old man to put on a condom, I think they’d laugh at you. Our generation doesn’t think about protecting their sexual health.’

Creaks between the sheets

While senior sex can come with healthy benefits – minus the STIs – there’s no denying it’s different. But this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. A survey by sexual wellness brand LELO UK found nearly a third of people over 50 were having the best sex of their lives, 42% were more adventurous, and 16% even said their sex drive has increased.

‘It’s enjoyable in a different way – it doesn’t have the Olympic feats that it used to have; it’s a more quiet and gentle sex,’ says Belle, adding that being put on ‘some wonderful HRT’ during menopause was a game-changer ‘in terms of lubrication and being seriously up for it.’

Research found that nearly a third of people over 50 were having the best sex of their lives

Today, certain positions – missionary and woman-on-top – work better with her unstable knees, back and shoulder pain, which some days can leave her struggling to get out of bed, but the couple vowed to face any age-related problems head on.

Anything that’s failed, we laughed about and tried again. Richard has had trouble with erections since having prostate surgery but we discussed it and he went to see his GP who prescribed Viagra. It worked like magic and boosted his confidence.’

Alyson and Omar have also overcome sexual struggles including, after years of not having sex, Alyson’s one-off fling with a younger man. ‘It came at a time when I felt completely undesirable and it was brief but enough to rekindle feelings about my own desire,’ she says, adding that while she didn’t tell Omar, it led to them rebooting their sexual relationship.

Alyson’s one-off fling with a younger man rebooted her sexual relationship with her husband

Recently, however, Omar has struggled to maintain an erection and refuses to go to his GP. ‘It’s becoming more difficult [to have sex]. I miss the penetration.’ He’s also revealed some new desires, which Alyson isn’t as keen on. ‘He’s asked me to try pegging him. He has a strap-on, which I think he hoped I would use on him, but I won’t – that’s one of my boundaries.’

Since his erectile dysfunction, Omar has also begun collecting gadgets that might help, including butt plugs and cock rings, but they’re ‘an interruption,’ says Alyson, ‘and that can be problematic as I can fall asleep in the 10 minutes it takes to get them out.’

Despite these issues, Alyson loves having an active sex life again. ‘I enjoy orgasms and masturbating together,’ she says, recalling her favourite recent steamy moment. ‘We were on the beach, in a very isolated place, and had a lot of sex on the rocks with Omar managing to maintain his erection. That was good. I quite like outdoor sex!’

Reframing senior sex

And that’s the thing: as humans, we’re designed for sexual pleasure and, as Noor says, denying our sexual nature can hurt us in profound ways. But she also believes a larger cultural reframing towards senior sex will happen, albeit slowly, with people living and loving longer than ever. ‘As society evolves and we learn that we are sexual sensual beings who thrive off physical closeness, we will allow ourselves more permissions to seek closeness, whatever that looks like,’ she says.

Price is already on a mission to encourage this. ‘Sexual pleasure is lifelong. Is it the same as younger age sex? No. It is very different and continues to change and challenge us. But just because we’re challenged doesn’t mean we’re defeated. As long as we educate ourselves and are open minded, sexuality is ageless.’

“As long as we educate ourselves and are open minded, sexuality is ageless”

Lesley Carter, a registered nurse and clinical lead at Age UK agrees that a mindset shift is needed for attitudes to catch up with our increasing life span. ‘It’s about understanding that ageing brings life transitions that can create opportunities for older adults to redefine what sexuality and intimacy mean to them,’ she says.

As Belle, Alyson and research proves, a great sex life in your senior years doesn’t merely exist — it can thrive. ‘Younger people need to know there can be a continuation of a fulfilling sex life,’ says Belle. ‘It’s about your state of mind. It’s like a plant, if you don’t water it, it’ll die. If you keep the spark between you, you can overcome the difficulties that come with age.’ Yes, these horny seniors have a whole lot of experience and a whole lot of untapped wisdom. Let’s stop ignoring them, and start learning from them.

*Names have been changed

Pleasure in your senior years

Advice for now – or the future – according to our experts

1. Do your communication work

‘Share your concerns, challenges and feelings,’ says Carter. ‘This might be explaining: ‘My knees hurt when we use that position, and I lose concentration’ or ‘I’m anxious about having sex because I’m self-conscious about what you think about my ageing body’. Discussing these difficulties could lead to solutions, like agreeing to try new things, or doing things differently.

2. Don’t ignore the pain

‘If you’re experiencing a new pain connected to having sex, it’s sensible [at any age] to discuss that with a healthcare professional,’ Carter says. ‘As we age, our bones, muscles and tendons get stiff and sore, so you can expect some discomfort – that’s normal. But any unfamiliar pain that worries you needs to be monitored and discussed with an expert.’

3. Do reach for the (silicone-based) lube

Vaginal dryness is common with the menopause due to a drop in oestrogen but if untreated, it can lead to irritation and painful sex in your senior years, too. ‘Using a silicone-based lube, like Durex’s silicone based lube or Boots’ own-brand silicone lube,’ advises Dunne. ‘Silicone lubes have a smooth, silky texture, so there’s no need to constantly re-apply, plus they are hypoallergenic which makes them compatible with condoms and sex toys.’

4. Don’t throw away the condoms

‘Even if you’ve experienced menopause, this doesn’t make you immune from STIs,’ says Dunne. So, yes, use a condom. ‘Make sure it doesn’t contain an ingredient that is a known irritant to you or your partner such as latex or fragrance, as this will exacerbate vaginal pain,’ adds Dunne, who recommends Durex’s Naturals Condoms and Smile Makers’ Come Connected Condomswhich are vegan.

5. Do lean on the support

‘It’s helpful if we can identify our own sexual difficulties, and do some research — there is so much information available,’ says Carter. ‘But sexual health centres can offer advice too, like discussing if a medication to treat a sexual problem may impact any other medications you’re taking.’ Age UK, National Council on Ageing, The Pelvic Hub’s Guide to Senior Sex are helpful resources, or check out Joan Price’s blog.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to boost your libido if you’re taking antidepressants

— Trust us, it’s not gone forever

BY Holly Berckelman

If you take antidepressants and have found your libido’s dropped off a cliff, fear not, there are GP-approved steps you can take to bring it back.

There’s a lot of stigma around antidepressants

Due to the formerly hush-hush nature of mental illness and misconceptions spread in pop culture (hi, Stepford Wives), there’s a huge amount of misinformation that’s still present in the social conscience.

In reality, for people struggling with mental illness, particularly anxiety and depression, antidepressants medication can be life-changing. They can assist with levelling out severe peaks and troughs and bring an overwhelming sense of relief to the person taking the meds, in turn giving them the chance to work on their mental health in other ways.

Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are one of the most common forms of antidepressants and work by slowing the rate at which the central nervous symptom reuptakes the natural serotonin produced by the body. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter attributed to happiness.

However, as with all medications, there can be side effects, one being a loss of libido.

According to Cindy Meston, a clinical psychologist and sexual psychophysiology researcher in the United States, it’s the unwanted effect women report most often.

“They don’t feel like having sex, or when they have sex, they’re just not into it,” Meston tells Goop. “And many also report an inability to attain orgasm.”

A study published in The Mental Health Clinician (MHC), a peer-reviewed, bimonthly, clinical practice journal, hypothesised that the side effects of SSRIs are attributed to the increase of serotonin in other areas of the body, and may affect “other hormones and neurotransmitters, such as testosterone and dopamine.”

“This may lead to side effects of sexual dysfunction, as testosterone may affect sexual arousal and dopamine plays a role in achieving orgasm.”

Other research shows that SSRIs “impact many key neurotransmitters (like serotonin, dopamine, histamine, and acetylcholine) and decrease the activation of the sympathetic nervous system, which alters a woman’s libido.”

Aside from the scientific specifics, an unexpected loss of libido can be difficult for couples and individuals to manage.

General Practitioner (GP) Dr Sam Saling says “For those partnered up, it can cause relationship difficulties, which has a whole heap of consequences especially if there is a mismatch between each person’s sexual drive.”

Meanwhile for people who are single, “Lowered libido can still have a great effect on self-esteem, one’s interpersonal relationship endeavours, and one’s social life.”

“For both men and women, lowered libido can have absolutely no physical and mental effects, or alternatively, a huge effect, depending on the person.”

Fortunately, there are a number of ways you can work to boost your libido if it’s dropped off a cliff since you started taking antidepressants. We asked Dr Saling for her tips on getting to the bottom of a low libido, and the best ways to boost it back up.

First, look for other causes

Dr Saling says before you look to blame the antidepressants, it’s important to look for the true cause of the feeling.

“Low libido in itself is often a symptom of an untreated mood disorder,” she tells Body+Soul. “So, often the low libido that follows the commencement of an antidepressant is actually a sign of a pre-existing illness, not a side effect of the medication.”

If you’re experiencing low libido in the first half-year after commencing medication, this is particularly true, as “It can take six months or more to start seeing the full effect of an antidepressant.”

Another common side effect of antidepressants is increased sleepiness in the short term, which Dr Saling says “can definitely lower libido just due to someone’s increased desire to sleep over other activities in bed.”

Once short-term symptoms have alleviated, and the antidepressant is working in terms of abating mood symptoms, libido may also increase.

However, if after several months libido has lessened significantly, then it could be related to the antidepressants itself (rather than mood or the desire to sleep), as “low libido is a known side effect of many of these medications,” says Dr Saling.

Then, speak to your GP

If you’re suffering from a low libido, the first port of call is your GP.

“Your GP will take a detailed history and this will indicate to us what is the likely cause,” says Dr Saling. “New mood disorder medications, or an increased dose, is a clear cause.”

If it is related to the antidepressants, “Often all it requires is a dose tweaking or a different medication type,” says Dr Saling, “Sometimes, we recommend psychological counselling and lifestyle interventions.”

There are many causes of low libido including, Dr Saling tells Body+Soul, including “vascular issues, hormonal changes, and many more contributing medical conditions. Social circumstances, financial pressures, relationship difficulties and work stress” can also contribute.

If you’re suffering with low libido, your GP is the very best person you can speak to to figure it out, regardless of the cause.

How to boost libido if your antidepressants is the cause

#1. Exercise right before sex

According to Meston’s research, having sex within 30 minutes of a moderate workout significantly increased sexual desire in women taking antidepressants. ]

“We know that exercise has a lot of chronic benefits for health and sexuality—you have more energy, better sleep, enhanced body image, decreased stress,” Meston told Goop. “But in this case, we found that, in addition, acute exercise or a single act of exercise is hugely beneficial for sexual desire.”

This may be due to activating the sympathetic nervous system, which is needed to get turned on enough to reach orgasm.

Dr Saling is also an advocate for regular exercise: “I would recommend starting with a regular exercise routine incorporating both aerobic and resistance training,” she says. “This is recommended to boost mood as well as energy levels overall.

#2. Sync sex to your medication schedule

According to Meston’s research, syncing sex with when you take your medication could also help – as if you have sex right before you take your next dose, the levels from the previous dose will be at their lowest.

There is no evidence to support this practice, but Meston tells Goop that “when levels of antidepressants are very low, their sexual side effects are likely to be low, too.”

#3. Try scheduling sex

While scheduling sex may seem daggy, it can be a great way to increase intimacy in couples, which can often be a crucial step in increasing arousal.

Setting aside time where sex does not come into the picture, along with time where sex is pre-planned can help couples bond without either party misconstruing an attempt for sex, and build anticipation for the times when sex is on the agenda.

#4. Eat a healthy diet

Taking care of your body through a nutritious diet gives you the best opportunity to let it get on with its natural processes – libido included.

“A healthy diet is essential to ensure adequate nutrition to feel one’s best,” instructs Dr Saling.

#5. Introduce sex toys

Of course, if libido has dropped to the point where you or your partner is not interested in sex at all, then that must be respected. However, if you are still keen to include sex in your relationship until low libido is resolved, you may need more stimulation to become aroused and reach orgasm.

Vibrators are a surefire way to turn things up a notch if you are experiencing decreased sensitivity, and will assist with driving blood flow into the genitals.

Dr Saling also suggests implementing regular reviews with your doctor to effectively manage the change. “Not only can we review your response to medication and make adjustments if needed, but we can also recommend non-medical interventions,” she says.

“Once we work out the cause of low libido, we can tailor the treatment plan.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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From scheduling sex to being selfish

— 10 ways to improve intimacy

By

1. Talk about any problems

Things seem to work well without really thinking about it. Then, when it starts going wrong, you don’t quite know how to talk about it, so the situation gets to a point where you’re stuck and you don’t know how to deal with it. The first stage in addressing this is for each person to spend a couple of days thinking about what they see the problem is, and then agreeing to sit down together for a discussion. Take turns saying: “This is what I think the problem is, and this is how it is affecting me.” Out of this comes the opportunity to really get to the heart of the matter and work out what is needed.

2. Look for the reasons why sex might have changed

How did sex use to be? What was intimacy like? What has changed? What are the blocks to sorting it out? There may have been occasions when you might not have wanted to be sexual or you might not have been in the mood, and that got misinterpreted, or there were a few times when you got rejected. And then you get into a pattern of not having sex or avoiding it.

3. Talk about how you first met. And make an effort to look nice

Spend an evening chatting about what you liked about the other person. You can remind each other of what drew you both together. Do that on the first night, then on the next night, dress up, go out for a meal and make an effort to feel and look special. What you’re likely to find is that you’re feeling much more connected and that can lead to noticing desire, feeling sexual, and you can reignite something that has perhaps been lost for a while.

4. Every time you leave the house (and come back) make a point of having a kiss or a cuddle

There is no intention that it is going to lead to sex, you just get used to the idea you can reclaim intimacy. Make a point of saying, “I like what you’re wearing”, send texts to each other throughout the day saying “missing you” and “look forward to seeing you”. In this way you’re recreating some of the behaviours you probably did at the beginning of your relationship and you are giving the message, “I’m noticing you and I like you”, so that the sense of feeling closer to the other person, the emotional intimacy, starts creeping back in.

5. Schedule regular time to be intimate

This is making a commitment to maintaining the relationship by saying: even though sometimes we don’t feel like it, we realise the importance of this and will try to be sexual. It is about not letting gaps appear so then it starts becoming more normal to not have sex. What your scheduling says is that Friday nights are your night, you’ll put some effort into making it special and this can lead to greater intimacy. Perhaps this means having a shower together, or maybe dressing up – above all it is about making a statement that your physical relationship is important, and you are prepared to put in the groundwork, instead of saying it is just about sex.

6. Write down on pieces of paper what really works for you both

Then fold them up and put all of the bits of paper in a jar. I encourage couples to sit down and work out some of the things that each person particularly likes when they are being sexual. Then, whenever you’re going to have some intimate time, pull out a piece of paper and whatever’s there, you’ve got the chance to try. It enables an element of fun and excitement to return into the relationship which can be helpful to maintain the spark.

7. If there is a high level of anxiety attached to sex, introduce mindfulness

I always suggest pelvic floor exercises, because this makes you focus on your genitals, so you become much more tuned into your body. For a man, this can increase the quality of his erection and the chances of more ejaculatory control. For a woman, it is likely to help her to regain a bit more feeling within the vaginal walls and it might help towards arousal.

8. For older couples, slow everything right down

Try having a bath together, so you feel good and in tune with each other. Pay more attention to what position feels comfortable. If there are issues of mobility and flexibility it can be useful to try out positions first. You might want to do this while you’re still dressed when it can feel easier (and warmer).

9. Take turns to be selfish

Say, “I’d really like it if you could give me a back rub”, or “I just really want the opportunity to touch you”. I often suggest couples go to bed and have a period of time when you’re both naked without needing to be sexual. Just lying next to each other, feeling the other person’s skin on your skin can be a very intimate and nourishing moment.

10. Rediscover how to be intimate with each other

There are many reasons why intimacy can change in a relationship. Pregnancy and birth, ageing, body shape, resentment, arguments not being resolved, anxiety, the menopause, erectile problems … It is important to understand why you’ve reached the point where things are dysfunctional, but it is always possible to make changes. I’ve worked with couples who haven’t had sex in six years and it has been a privilege to help them rediscover how to be intimate with each other.

Peter Saddington is a clinical supervisor and a relationship and sex therapist working for Relate.

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For cancer survivors, sexual intimacy can pose unexpected issues

— ‘I feel as if my body has betrayed me,’ one survivor says

Brenna Gatimu and her husband, Nimmo Kariuki, tend to their youngest son, Kylian, in Casper, Wyo. Gatimu was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer in 2020.

By Netana H. Markovitz

Brenna Gatimu, 34, of Casper, Wyo., was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer in 2020. She quickly had chemoradiation, and both her breasts and ovaries were removed. She now takes a medication that suppresses any remaining estrogen in her body.

“I feel as if my body has betrayed me, like all the things that make me biologically a woman — the estrogen, the progesterone, my ovaries and my breasts — everything had to be removed and stopped,” Gatimu said.

Gatimu’s experience is not uncommon. As cancer survival rates in the United States improve, many survivors are left with permanent changes to their body — outwardly and functionally. Some feel particularly unprepared for persistent changes in their sexual functioning.

“Sexuality is a very big issue, and unfortunately, the avenues to get help are often limited because people are concentrating on helping [patients] live through cancer, and really concentrating on quality of life but devoid of sexuality,” said Don Dizon, a professor of medicine and surgery at Brown University and the founder of the Sexual Health First Responders Clinic at the Lifespan Cancer Institute.

Sexual health and quality of life

In 2022, approximately 18 million people with a history of cancer were living in the United States. The number is expected to increase over time.

“As people live long lives after cancer … these questions on the permanent, long-term side effects of treatment are something we have to address,” said Sharon Bober, founding director of the sexual health program at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute and an associate psychiatry professor at Harvard Medical School.

“I feel as if my body has betrayed me, like all the things that make me biologically a woman — the estrogen, the progesterone, my ovaries and my breasts — everything had to be removed and stopped,” Gatimu says.

“We are looking not just at what people do functionally, but we’re also thinking about people’s experiences of themselves being whole, having a sense of integrity in their body — even after things change,” Bober said. “We’re talking about an experience of how people relate to a partner, we’re talking about dating, we’re talking about emotional and sexual relationships that undergo changes themselves.”

“We’re also thinking about people’s experiences of themselves being whole, having a sense of integrity in their body — even after things change.” — Sharon Bober, founding director of the sexual health program at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute

Some cancer centers have created programs dedicated exclusively to sexual health for patients with cancer — such as Massachusetts General Hospital and Memorial Sloan Kettering in Manhattan. These centers are still relatively rare, but their numbers are increasing.

Those without access to a comprehensive center should consider seeking out “specific practitioners who have relevant expertise, such as certified menopause specialists, urologists or urogynecologists who specialize in sexual medicine, pelvic floor physical therapists or certified sex therapists in the community,” Bober said in an email.

Gatimu holds some of the medications she takes while Kylian asks if he can have the pills, too.
A family portrait on Gatimu’s wall shows husband Nimmo Kariuki, stepdaughter Paisley Grundhoffer, and sons Malcolm, James and Kylian. The family had the photo taken the day Gatimu completed chemotherapy.

Patients can also access a growing body of information.

“There are really more resources now than there ever have been and there are a lot of organizations that now have really good information and education on their websites,” Bober said. “I would just say people should feel free to access the growing amount of supports that are out there. And that’s the case both for patients and providers.”

For example, the Scientific Network on Female Sexual Health and Cancer has a host of resources, including webinars, a page with links to several online resources and a “find a provider” page to search for help by location. The American Cancer Society also has a fairly comprehensive overview of navigating sex and cancer.

Jacob Lowy in his living room in New York.

Even before intimate encounters, body image can be an issue. Jacob Lowy, 31, a fourth-year medical student at the University of Michigan, was diagnosed with metastatic sarcoma in 2021. Since then, he has had to deal with dating.

“It definitely messed with my psyche a lot to talk to people because it feels like you’re hiding something at first,” Lowy said. “But there’s no real advice for how to do it properly.”

Besides fatigue and surgical complications from his two abdominal surgeries, he has experienced decreased libido and erectile dysfunction.

“I went from feeling … invincible and very strong to my body feels like a wreck on the inside,” Lowy said.

Physicians often don’t discuss sexuality with patients for many reasons, Dizon said. “Partly it’s because I don’t think oncologists are trained in talking about sexuality,” he said.

Lowy spends time with friends on the Lower East Side in New York on March 4.

When sexuality is discussed, much of the talk often focuses on what’s safe — for example, when it is safe to have sex during chemotherapy. Bober said “potential sexual side effects and sexual rehabilitation really is not routinely incorporated into care. So a lot of people struggle on the other side of treatment and feel pretty isolated.”

“I went from feeling … invincible and very strong to my body feels like a wreck on the inside.” — Jacob Lowy

But when the topic is broached, doctors often have treatment recommendations.

Sarah E.A. Tevis, an assistant professor of surgery at the University of Colorado, recently started asking her patients about sex after a patient questionnaire she distributed flagged the issue.

“This wasn’t a common thing I talked to all of my patients about, and ever since I’ve started bringing it up, I feel like almost every single patient I talk to is having some problem that we can probably help with,” Tevis said.

Ask for help or a referral

Even if your oncologist does not know how to help, someone is probably out there who can.

“This is something that people should be empowered about — that as with other aspects of our health, if you’re having issues, give it voice, ask for specific assistance,” Dizon said. “And if your doctor doesn’t know or doesn’t want to discuss it, then ask for a referral.”

For Gatimu, she has done her best to adapt to a new normal but still struggles.

Since treatment, she has experienced vaginal dryness, difficulty achieving orgasm and lack of libido. She also has no sensation in her reconstructed breasts. Gatimu has sought advice through a combination of doctors and friends who are cancer survivors.

Gatimu helps Kylian wake up to get ready for day care on March 1.
Gatimu’s son Malcolm walks past a photo wall his mom and dad put together of past family moments, photos and sayings as he gets ready for school on March 1.

“I still have times where I really struggle with the comparison or the wishful thinking of ‘Oh my gosh, if only this didn’t happen and I didn’t have to live through this, where would [I] be?’ On the positive side, I have gained such a self-awareness and such a self-confidence within myself,” Gatimu said.

One 44-year-old man who was diagnosed with Stage 3 rectal cancer in 2018 underwent chemotherapy and radiation before having surgery that resulted in an ostomy pouch, a bag that collects stool outside the body.

“It’s tough for me not to view my body as … broken,” said the man, who asked not to be named for privacy reasons.

For him, sex with his partner now involves going to the bathroom to empty out the ostomy pouch and ensuring that it is as flat as possible so it does not get in the way. He also takes Viagra for the erectile dysfunction he has had since treatment.

A photo of Gatimu and Kariuki attending an adult prom in Casper, Wyo., that raises money for childhood cancer research.

“I am very fortunate that I have a loving partner who loves me for who I am and we’ve adjusted, but now sex is really tough to have spontaneously,” said the man, who lives in Chapel Hill, N.C.

A common misconception is that only certain cancers affect sex.

“We tend to think of sexual health as an issue [only] for people treated for sex-related cancer,” Dizon said. “But that’s actually not true. There’s a growing literature that even people treated for, say, colon cancer and lung cancer — they actually have issues related to sexuality.”

He points out, for example, that chemotherapy itself can affect the vaginal mucosa, which can cause pain with sex.

Unfortunately, many cancer patients feel alone in their struggles.

No one mentioned sexuality to the Chapel Hill resident, except for a brief, awkward conversation with his radiation oncologist regarding the possibility of infertility after treatment.

“People often will equate sexuality and fertility, but those are very different conversations,” Dizon said.

Lowy organizes his pills for the week.

“Their goal is to save a life.” the Chapel Hill resident said. “And they were very good at doing that. I willingly put my life in their hands, but sex was an afterthought.”

Once he got the courage to broach the subject, he was prescribed Viagra, which has been working well.

“I think the biggest advice I would give is, do not be afraid to ask questions,” he said. “If something isn’t right, talk to the doctors about it.”

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‘When people can talk about sex, they flourish’

— The rise of sexual wellness

Advice on sex is available on myriad apps, sex toys are for sale on the high street, and the science of sexual fufilment is blossoming. Will this focus on sexual wellbeing have the desired effect?

By

Tina was 52 when her long-term relationship ended. She had experienced low libido throughout her perimenopause years, and her relationship had become “pretty much sexless by the end”, so reigniting her sex life felt like a daunting prospect.

But rather than closing the book on her sexuality, Tina turned to a sexual wellness app called Dipsea, and began listening to erotic stories, as well as learning about different self-pleasure and communication techniques.

“I’ve never hugely enjoyed visual pornography and this sounded like something different and worth trying out,” she says. “The app enabled me to explore my sexual wants and fantasies as well as use some of the wellness-focused content, which helped me to feel more confident when dating and navigating having sex again.”

She’s not alone. As attitudes to sex have liberalised, and people increasingly strive for greater physical, mental and social wellbeing, a growing industry in sexual wellness has sprung up. Whereas sex toys only used to be available from sex shops or porn magazines, they can now be bought from high street chemists. Subscription-based apps and websites are offering erotic content alongside relaxation exercises and relationship advice from trained sex counsellors. Sex is no longer taboo, but an integral part of our general wellbeing. But while investors in this industry may have hit the financial G-spot, what does it mean for the rest of us?

Precisely who conceived the term “sexual wellness” is hazy, but the actor Gwyneth Paltrow is credited with catapulting it into the mainstream. In 2015, her lifestyle website Goop.com recommended that women steam-clean their vaginas for extra energy and to rebalance female hormones. Since then, Goop has sparked debates about the pros and cons of jade vaginal eggs, an “aphrodisiac warming potion” called Sex Dust – not to mention the infamous “This Smells Like My Vagina” candle.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop has been credited with initiating the sexual wellness trend – but claims made about the benefits of some of the expensive products it sells lack evidence.

“With the launch of things like Goop, there’s been a much broader, holistic sort of view on what sexual wellness means, and how it can benefit you to be a happier, more confident and satisfied human being,” says Mei-lin Rawlinson, chief of staff at OMGYes, an educational website about female pleasure.

Around the same time Paltrow was preaching the benefits of vaginal purification, OMGYes’s founders were setting out on a mission to use science to help crack a similar nut. Sparked by conversations between friends about how women like to be touched, they realised there was a dearth of academic research on the subject, and little vocabulary for the specific things women find pleasurable.

They partnered with sex researchers to conduct in-depth interviews with more than 3,000 women from across the US, using these insights to develop a trove of educational videos, infographics and how-to’s, designed to educate fee-paying members on how to access greater sexual pleasure.

“Sex is such a core part of life for many people, but it is also a really vulnerable, charged area of life, with lots of taboo. We think that if people can talk about it, learn more about it, learn more about themselves, they can flourish so much more,” Rawlinson says.

In the coronavirus lockdowns, sales of adult toys increased by 25%. Superdrug’s website promotes sex toys with the line: ‘Masturbation is self-celebration’.

Launched in 2015, OMGYes was one of the first sexual wellness platforms, and it now has more than a million users. Research conducted by the platform, in collaboration with Devon Hensel, a professor of sociology and paediatrics at Indiana University, suggests that the benefits of membership aren’t just physical.

They gave 870 women access to the website, and asked them to complete pre- and post-questionnaires to assess their sex-based knowledge and communication skills.

The research, published in the Journal of Sex Research, found that after a month, women reported they had developed a wider repertoire of ways to talk about what they liked sexually and that they felt more positive and confident about understanding what felt good. “These are skills not only important for sex, but also in the context of women’s everyday lives,” Hensel says. Indeed, some of the women also reported an increase in overall agency – such as voicing their thoughts or ideas at work – as a result of this training.

It’s not only educational platforms that are growing in popularity. The global sexual wellness devices market – industry speak for sex toys – was estimated to be worth $19bn in 2021.

With everybody stuck at home due to Covid restrictions, this market experienced a boost. During the first two weeks of UK lockdown alone, orders for adult toys reportedly increased by 25%. But while sales of other consumer categories, such as cycling products, that experienced a “Covid boost” have since fallen back, the sexual wellness market continues to experience accelerated growth.

“I think that’s a good data point to suggest that it is earlier in its life stage. There is more to go for in terms of the number of people who buy these products, and the number of products any one person uses,” says Jacqueline Windsor, UK retail leader for PwC.

She recently co-authored a report on the sexual wellness devices market, and believes several factors may be at play. Interest in general wellness has increased over the past decade, and sexual health and wellbeing are increasingly viewed as central to this. Attitudes to sex are also liberalising, and there has been a shift in sex-toy design away from explicit brands, and towards more discreet and ergonomic models primarily targeting women and couples.

“Commercially, it’s big business, but I think it makes a big statement when we see sex toys and pleasure products on high-street shelves like those in Boots and Selfridges,” says Kate Moyle, a psychosexual therapist and host of the Sexual Wellness Sessions podcast. “It makes the statement that sexual wellbeing should be there, and shouldn’t be taboo or hidden away, and this can have a huge forward impact on how we think and talk about sex, helping us to break away from its links to shame.”

Pleasure isn’t the only benefit: doctors are increasingly recommending vibrator use as a way of treating and preventing conditions such as vaginal dryness and atrophy. Some of these new generation products could go a step further and enhance scientific research into sexual health and orgasm.

Ergonomically designed, the Lioness vibrator is a modern iteration of the classic “rabbit” toy. What really sets it apart though, is the incorporation of sensors to measure pelvic floor movements, such as the rhythmic contractions that accompany orgasm. Paired with an app, this allows users – and (with users’ consent) sex researchers – to better understand how sexual function is affected by factors such as caffeine, alcohol, childbirth, menopause, or medical conditions such as concussion.

“I always tell people that knowledge is pleasure,” says Anna Lee, co-founder and head of engineering at Lioness. “It’s an empowering tool to be curious about your body, and to learn about things that might be changing our pleasure or sexual wellness.”

But the plugging of sexual wellness could also have some pitfalls. Lee worries about the potential for misinformation in the marketing of certain products, and their promotion by social media influencers. For instance, in 2018, Goop was forced to pay $145,000 in civil penalties for making the unsubstantiated claim that jade love eggs were used by women in ancient China to increase sexual energy and pleasure.

“Jade is a porous material that you should never insert [into] your body, and there’s no evidence to indicate that this technique was ever used in ancient China,” Lee says. “We have to be so mindful of how we create this information that so many people are desperately seeking – because they will grab on to anything, it is such a hard topic to talk about.”

Also, whereas novelty and exploration can be a turn-on for some people, for others, it can have the opposite effect. “Some people are much more comfortable with what’s familiar,” says Emily Nagoski, a sex educator and the author of Come As You Are.

Another risk is that the focus on sexual wellness mounts pressure on people to do things they don’t want to do. “Everywhere you look, whether it’s on social media, telly, movies, the emphasis seems to be on the importance of sex – everyone’s having great sex, and if you’re not having great sex there’s a problem,” says Ammanda Major, head of clinical practice at Relate and a trained relationship counsellor and sex therapist.

“Sex toys historically, and some of the new apps, are kind of promoting the idea that you should be having amazing sex. You should be having an orgasm. But having worked with clients for 25-30 years, what they are often asking for is they just need [the sex] to be good enough.”

What these clients are really seeking, Major explains, is intimacy: the emotional closeness and trust that ideally accompanies sex. “A lot of these apps and products focus on the physical stuff, as opposed to what sexual intimacy means for individuals. I think we sometimes put a lot of pressure on people to be sexual, when actually sex isn’t that important to them.”

In other cases, couples genuinely want to have more sex, but struggle to find the time and motivation to achieve this. Here, technology could help. In early 2022, Mark (not his real name) and his partner began using an app called Intimacy to track their sex life – logging both the number of encounters and their orgasm count. “We had reservations, but set ourselves a target of having sex 104 times in the year – or twice a week,” Mark says. “Rather than putting pressure on ourselves, and recognising it won’t be for everyone, we revelled in the experience – we are obviously both target-oriented.

“We rapidly found ourselves ahead of our target, and reset it to 2.5 times a week, or 130 times in the year – and we ended on 134. We had a good sex life before, but this gave us the motivation to be more intimate.”

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Unequal Chore Division Is Killing Women’s Sex Drives, Research Shows

By Kelly Gonsalves

You’re probably familiar with this story: Man and woman meet, fall in love, have fabulous sex. They move in, maybe get married, maybe have kids. Her interest in sex starts to drop; his doesn’t. Tension ensues, spoken or unspoken. He’s always initiating; she’s always turning him down.

While that narrative actually isn’t as universal as many people make it out to be (more on that in a minute), some research has shown that women are indeed more likely than men to experience a decrease in sexual desire over time in long-term relationships.

There are many theories as to why that might be, but one recent study published in the 1 has revealed one significant piece of the puzzle: women are getting turned off by male partners who refuse to do their share at home.

How an unequal division of household labor impacts women’s sexual desire

In the study, psychology researchers Emily A. Harris, Ph.D., Aki Gormezano, Ph.D., and Sari van Anders, Ph.D., surveyed over 1,000 women currently in relationships with men, all of whom were living together and had kids. They asked questions about the women’s levels of sexual desire, the division of housework with their male partners, and how they felt about that division.

The results? Women who performed a larger proportion of the household labor had significantly lower desire for their partner, compared to women in relationships where the men were more involved at home. In other words, women were much more sexually excited by men who cooked, cleaned, and took charge with the kids.

But the most telling part of the findings was the why: It wasn’t just that women’s libidos tanked in response to doing a bunch of chores, and it wasn’t just because women were busy and exhausted from it all. Rather, the researchers found two specific mediating factors that explained exactly why the unequal division of housework had such an impact on women’s desire.

Blurring the roles of partner and mother

Firstly, the study found that women shouldering more of the housework were also likely to perceive that dynamic as unfair—and that feeling of unfairness in the relationship was part of what was leading to lower desire for their partner.

This is important, the researchers note in the paper, because it refutes the argument that women take on more domestic tasks because they want to or because they simply enjoy caregiving. While that might be true for some, this study found women in imbalanced partnerships were actually often resentful of the situation. And it’s pretty hard to be turned on by someone you kinda resent.

Secondly, the researchers found that women dealing with an imbalance at home were more likely to feel like their partner was dependent on them. That feeling—that is, feeling like your man relies on you to take care of him and perform basic life tasks for him—was the other factor associated with lower sexual desire.

As Harris and the team point out in the paper, doing someone’s laundry, cooking for them, cleaning up after them, and planning their social calendar are tasks people typically perform for children. So, when a woman has to perform these tasks for her husband with no real reciprocity or recognition, the relationship “more closely mirrors that of a mother and a child.”

Unsurprisingly, that’s not very sexy.

“The inequitable proportion of household labor may contribute to a burdensome blurring of mother and partner roles, whereby partners are perceived as recipients of caregiving, akin to dependent children,” they write. “As a result, women may experience lower desire for partners who are perceived in dependent-like ways.”

There’s a common joke married women make where, when asked how many kids they have, they include their husband in the count. That dynamic is often laughed at and accepted as the norm between men and women, but as this study shows, it comes with direct consequences for a couple’s sex life. It’s very hard to be sexually attracted to someone who you feel like you need to mother.

Challenging a popular myth about women’s libidos

That common anecdote we mentioned up top—about the wife who is constantly rebuffing her husband’s sexual advances—is tied up with the idea that women are always or inherently less interested in sex than men are. It’s a popular narrative, though of course, reality is much more nuanced.

For one thing, you’ll find varying levels of sexual desire across all genders: Some women want lots of sex, some men can take it or leave it, and most people have libidos that regularly fluctuate depending on all the other things happening in their life. While different studies2 estimate anywhere from 10 to 55% of women deal with “low libido” compared to between 1 to 28% of men, some research3 on mixed-gender couples finds men are equally likely to be the lower-desire partner as women are.

The current study also offers another challenge to the idea that women just naturally lack interest in sex by demonstrating that women’s lower libido actually seems to be directly tied to the role they’re often relegated to in long-term, heteronormative relationships.

“Our findings challenge the assumption that low sexual desire in women is necessarily located in women, in their bodies or minds,” Harris and the research team write. “Instead, we find support for a socio-structural explanation for at least some considerable portion of low desire in women, whereby the system of heteronormativity brings about gender inequities in household labor that are associated with lower desire.”

Meaning: Maybe women would be more interested in sex if they weren’t so often forced into such inequitable, libido-killing roles and relationships.

The takeaway

So, what does this all mean for the average couple trying to navigate their home and sex life?

Particularly in relationships between men and women, prioritizing creating a fair division of housework is well worth the effort for many reasons. Studies like this one suggest that, in addition to creating a more functional, balanced partnership, addressing the inequities at home may also boost a woman’s sexual desire.

More broadly, this research reminds us how important it is to be thoughtful about the various factors that might be contributing to you or a partner’s interest in sex. For example: Resentment gets in the way of connection of any sort, physical or otherwise. And a partner who pitches in, pulls his weight, and treats you like a teammate and an equal? That’s sexy as hell. 

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‘It just didn’t enter my mind to initiate sex;’

— Low sex drive in men linked to chemical imbalance

By Sandee LaMotte

While hanging out with his college roommates, Peter (not his real name) realized he felt differently about sex than other heterosexual men.

“I’ve never been somebody who was interested in pornography, but I’d laugh along with their jokes,” said Peter, now 44, who is British. “Of course I never mentioned that … as a man, you’d be kicked out of the herd.”

As he developed “proper, serious relationships” with women, Peter discovered he didn’t have the sexual drive many of his partners did.

“I would make excuses around getting tired or feeling stressed, that kind of thing,” he said. “It wasn’t an issue with attraction to my partner. It just didn’t enter my mind to initiate sex.”

In 2021, Peter saw an ad recruiting male volunteers for a new study on hypoactive sexual desire disorder, or HSDD. Researchers planned to inject the study’s participants with kisspeptin —a naturally occurring sexual hormone — to see if it increased their sex drive. Kisspeptin plays a key role in reproduction; without adequate levels of the hormone children do not go through puberty, for example.

In a long-term, committed relationship with a woman he says has a higher sexual appetite, Peter signed up, intrigued by the thought that a biological imbalance might help explain his behavior.

In the week after the final session, Peter said, something amazing occurred.

“All of a sudden, I wanted to initiate intimacy. I can only presume it was driven not by my mind remembering something, but my body wanting something,” he said. “I did initiate sex more and it improved things with my partner incredibly.”

Experts believe HSDD affects at least 10% of women and up to 8% of men, although those numbers may be low, said Stanley Althof, a professor emeritus of psychology at Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine in Cleveland, Ohio and executive director of the Center for Marital and Sexual Health of South Florida.

“Men are embarrassed to go to the doctor to begin with, and you’re supposed to be a macho guy,” said Althof, who was not involved in the kisspeptin study.

“So it’s difficult for men to say, ‘Hey, I’ve got a problem with my sex drive.’ That’s why the majority of male patients I see with HSDD are sent in by their partners.”

To be diagnosed with the disorder, a person must have no other issues that might cause a change in libido, such as erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation.

“Losing interest due to performance issues is common, but HSDD is its own thing,” Althof said. “It’s an absence of erotic thoughts and a lack of desire for sex that has to be present for six months. It also cannot be better explained by another disorder or other stressors: It can’t be due to depression. It can’t be due to a bad relationship. It can’t be due to taking an antidepressant.”

One more key point: A man or woman must have clinically significant distress to have HSDD, said clinical psychologist Dr. Sheryl Kingsberg, a professor in reproductive biology and psychiatry at Case Western Reserve University, who was also not involved in the kisspeptin study.

“Some people aren’t bothered by their lack of interest in sex, so we wouldn’t treat them for HSDD,” said Kingsberg, who is also chief of behavioral medicine at MacDonald Women’s Hospital and University Hospitals Cleveland Medical Center.

“The women coming into my office are deeply distressed,” she said. “They tell me ‘I used to have desire but it’s gone. I could be on a desert island with no pressures, but I just don’t have the appetite. I want it back.’ Those women have HSDD.”

Dr. Waljit Dhillo, a professor in endocrinology and metabolism at Imperial College London, has been studying the relationship between low sexual desire and the hormone kisspeptin for years, first in animals, then in people.

Prior studies by Dhillo of healthy men with no libido problems found giving them kisspeptin boosted levels of testosterone and luteinizing hormone, which is important for gonad function.

His newest study, published in the journal JAMA Network Open in February, enrolled 32 men with verified HSDD. Peter was one of them.

“So many people say to themselves, ‘It’s just me. I’ve got a problem.’ But actually, HSDD may be how your brain is wired,” said Dhillo, who is a dean at the United Kingdom’s National Institute for Health and Care Research Academy in Newcastle upon Tyne.

“The biology is telling us there’s increased activation of inhibitory areas in the brain — the same areas that tell us it’s not OK to walk around in public naked — and those areas are switching off sexual desire. How can we tackle that? We give a hormone that would naturally give you increased sexual desire, essentially hijacking the normal system.”

The men participating in the new study visited Dhillo’s lab twice. On each occasion, they were fitted with a device to objectively measure arousal, given an injection and asked to watch pornography while their brains were scanned via functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI).

Neither the subjects or the researchers knew if that day’s injection was kisspeptin or a placebo.

“It was extraordinarily surreal, lying there with something resembling a hangman’s noose around your bits and watching a mixture of ’70s to modern-day pornographic images and videos,” Peter said. “You’d get about five or six seconds of one type of image or video, rate your arousal for the researchers, and then move on to the next.”

Brain scans showed a significant dual effect after the kisspeptin injection, Dhillo said. Activity in the areas of the brain that inhibit behavior slowed, while areas of the brain connected to sexual interest lit up.

“As a group, the men had a 56% higher sexual response to sexual images after the kisspeptin than the placebo,” Dhillo said. “And we found no side effects at the very, very small dose that we are using.”

Peter noticed a difference immediately after finishing the treatments. His sex life was so robust, in fact, that it wasn’t long before his partner was pregnant with their first child.

As published, the study did not follow the men long-term to see if the effects of kisspeptin lasted. For Peter, however, its impact has been life-changing.

“I have found there’s been a lasting effect for me,” he said. “I do find I have a much better sexual appetite even now some years after the treatment.”

Even the arrival of a baby boy didn’t deter his new interest in sex.

“The cliche is when you have kids, your sex life takes a bit of a hit,” he told CNN. “But that hasn’t been the case for us. In fact, we’re pregnant with our second child, due in July.”

While Peter had a positive long-term result, it’s too soon to say kisspeptin injections were the reason, Althof said.

“When you hear dramatic results like Peter’s, I would be cautious in saying that is the typical outcome. While it’s wonderful that it happened for him, these fMRI studies are difficult to interpret and not conclusive,” he said.

“Sexual desire is very complicated — I say it’s a combination of brain function, hormones and love, wine and roses,” Althof added. “This study is promising, but it needs replication in larger groups.”

And even if future research does confirm kisspeptin’s benefits, medical treatment is not a substitution for healthy communication about sex between partners and with health care providers, Dhillo said.

“These are society’s taboos, but actually, the more we talk about real (sexual) issues that affect real people, the more we find it’s actually quite common,” he said.”If you’re not troubled by low libido, it’s not an issue at all, but if you are troubled by it, this can lead to marital breakdown, unhappiness and reduced quality of life.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sexologist Chantelle Otten on the complexities of sex in both her work and her personal life

— Let’s talk about sex.

Chantelle Otten

By Alley Pascoe

As a renowned sexologist, Chantelle Otten is privy to people’s deepest desires, fears and insecurities. Here, she’s honest about her own.

I’m in bed with Chantelle Otten and she’s taking photos of her feet. It’s not as kinky as it sounds. We’re speaking over Zoom ahead of Otten’s Body+Soul cover shoot the next morning, and she’s sending the manicurist pictures of her nails so they know what to expect.

“This is very embarrassing, my nails are really, really bleak,” she says, with endearing honesty and an easy laugh.

There’s something about Otten’s voice. It’s soothing. And welcoming. Like the cosy blanket wrapped around her dachshund Sauce, who’s snuggled beside her in bed.

Chatting from her sunlit bedroom in Melbourne, Otten speaks with a warmness. She has a way of putting you at ease, making you feel comfortable and giving you the space to speak your truth. When Otten opens her mouth, you can’t help but bare your soul in return. It’s a gift – and sometimes a burden – and it’s something she was born with.

“For my entire life, I’ve always had people confide in me. I’m the person at the party sitting in the corner listening to someone’s life story,” explains Otten, who grew up in a “quirky” family in the Melbourne suburb of Murrumbeena with two younger brothers and an older sister with an intellectual disability.

“As a kid, I was always listening in on what was happening in my parents’, siblings’, grandparents’ and friends’ lives. That gave me an awareness and understanding of different personalities, and the complex nature of individuals.”

From then, Otten, now 32, has turned her skill into a successful career as a psycho-sexologist. What exactly does that involve, you may wonder? A sexologist is someone who studies the science of sex, human behaviour and sexual health and wellbeing. Their job is to help clients with their sexual concerns, and to empower them with the knowledge and the confidence they need to lead a healthy sex life.

At Otten’s sex therapy clinic in Melbourne, nothing is off limits. It’s a safe space to talk about intimate things: sexual identity, self-esteem, performance anxiety, trauma, pleasure and pain.

“I feel grateful that people trust me enough to be vulnerable with me.”

“My clinic is a place where people can be themselves; you can swear, cry, laugh and talk about things that upset you. Or not. Whatever you want,” she says. “My clients tell me that I make them feel at ease. Apparently, I’ve got a therapeutic voice.”

Soon, you’ll be able to listen to Otten’s voice in the Audible podcast Sex Therapy: Sessions with Chantelle Otten. The series promises to “take you under the covers and into the world of sex therapy”, and that’s quite literally what it does. Each episode features an anonymous recorded therapy session with real people dealing with real issues.

There’s the married couple looking for advice on opening up their relationship; the new mum trying to regain her sexual identity; the man experiencing erectile dysfunction; and the woman who has never reached orgasm. Their stories are fascinating – heartbreaking at times, oh-so relatable at others – and truly enlightening.

“We wanted for it to feel like being a fly on the wall,” says Otten. “We’re all going to have difficulties with sex at some point in our lives – all of us – so I hope this podcast can help to normalise talking about sex. I hope the episodes resonate with people, and that they take shame out of the conversation and help to alleviate any apprehension they might have around sex therapy.”

The podcast is the latest move in Otten’s mission to increase pleasure and remove shame from the bedroom. After studying psychology and undertaking a masters in sexual health, Otten worked under Dr Ingrid Pinas in a women’s sexual health clinic in the Netherlands.

Upon returning to Melbourne from Amsterdam, she founded the Australian Institute of Sexology and Sexual Medicine in 2016, followed by her namesake clinic in 2018. In the five years since her clinic has opened, Otten has grown from being a one-woman show (and disguising her voice on the phone to pretend she had a receptionist) to having a dedicated team of 20.

“I tend to only take on patients with very specialised cases, so I am dealing with a lot of complex trauma,” she says. “That’s very rewarding for me. I don’t charge my patients; I make money from my sponsorship work. So, my client work is pro bono, which is my way of giving back.”

With Otten – and many other sex educators – leading the way, times are a-changin’. As her business has grown, Otten has seen vibrators go from being ‘dirty little secrets’ to being stocked in major department stores and promoted by influencers all over Instagram. She’s watched the sexual wellness industry grow by $16.8 billion from 2017 to now. And she’s been a part of important discussions about consent and reproductive health, with her 2021 book The Sex Ed You Never Had. But as far as we’ve come, there’s still a way to go.

In the last five years, we’ve witnessed Roe v Wade overturned in America, threatening the future of reproductive rights in the country. We’ve heard shameful stories of sexual harassment and assault within Australian politics. And we’ve learned that Instagram has been censoring sex education accounts – Otten’s included.

“Oh, I think I’ve been shadowbanned on Instagram for five years. It’s problematic that so many people are being silenced, because sex education should be accessible to everyone,” she says. “The main thing I want people to know is that sex should be fun, pleasurable and free of pain and shame. I think we need to make sex sexy again!”

That’s where Sex Therapy: Sessions with Chantelle Otten comes in. Apart from the all-important destigmatising and empowering stories, perhaps the best part of the podcast is getting to listen to Otten’s silky voice in situ.

Today Otten’s voice is raspier than usual. She’s been battling a sinus infection, she tells me, and is trying to recover from the physical fatigue of taking on people’s trauma.

“The challenges that come with this line of work are heavy. When you hear someone’s trauma, it does affect you,” she says. “I am constantly doing work on myself to make sure that I’m there for my patients.”

As well as the emotional toll there are other – more, er, unique – challenges that come with being a sexologist. Namely, people confusing sexology with sex work. Remember when Otten was starting out in her business and put on a fake voice to make out she had a receptionist? Yeah, that didn’t end well.

“I had a guy call wanting to book in a session with his wife for relationship therapy. He was talking and asking questions, and I was answering as the ‘receptionist’. Then he asked me if he could watch. ‘What?’ I asked. ‘Can I watch you and my wife having sex together,’ he said. ‘Oh, no, no, this isn’t the place for that,’ I explained. ‘Just keep talking,’ he said, and I realised that he was masturbating over the phone listening to my receptionist voice,” recalls Otten, with amusement rather than horror. “That’s when I realised I really needed to get an actual receptionist.”

Otten is quick to find the humour in her work. What’s the saying? If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry. That’s the approach Otten takes with life and work. Once again, this is a trait she’s had since childhood.

After Otten’s older sister left their primary school to attend a school that provided support for her disability, she had to find her own voice. “When my sister went to a different school, I felt left behind. I had no friends, so I had to learn how to make friends. I learned how to make people laugh, and became an extroverted introvert,” she says.

Learning how to make friends has paid off. Today, it’s Otten’s friends who keep her grounded. They’re the ones she turns to when she’s struggling with the pressures of her profession and running a 20-person business.

“My best friends are all amazing, deep thinkers. When I’m with them, I’m not the therapist, I’m their friend. I feel very lucky for the community I have around me,” she admits. That community includes Otten’s partner of four years, Dylan Alcott.

As the meet-cute story goes, Otten first laid eyes on Alcott, the champion tennis player and 2022 Australian of the Year, at the launch of his book at the North Fitzroy Library in 2019. It was love at first sight. “I still remember that moment so clearly. I remember looking at him and thinking, ‘That’s my person.’ I didn’t know anything about Dylan – or that he was famous – I just knew that he’d written a book because I was at his book signing. I realised this guy wants a big life, and I was excited to live a big, wonderful life together,” she says.

The feeling was mutual. When Otten had to slip away from the book launch without speaking to Alcott, he found her on Instagram after she posted about the event, and slid into her DMs: “Where the hell did you go?” They’ve been together ever since.

“Dylan has taught me so much about life, about having a purpose and being in a long-term relationship. When you love someone so much, you need to look at yourself and your flaws and consider what you’re bringing to the table. Dylan’s a lot of fun, and sometimes I can be a bit serious, so we’ve taught each other about balance,” says Otten. “There’s no one else out there who makes me feel so excited and passionate about life.”

Alcott, also 32, shares his partner’s passion for breaking down taboos, especially when it comes to changing the misconceptions around disabled people having – and desiring – sex. “A lot of people think that people with a disability don’t have sex, but I’m having the best sex of my life and it’s important for me to say that,” Otten told Stellar magazine in 2020.

Clearly, sex is a big part of her life. But does she ever get tired of talking about it? “Of course I get sick of talking about sex,” admits Otten. “There are times when I’ve been inundated with work and under a lot of pressure, and I’ve hated my job. I’ve had to put a lot of boundaries up.”

When people recognise Otten and come up to her on the street to tell her that they love her work, she feels grateful: “That’s beautiful.” But when people approach her and ask intimate questions or unload their personal issues, Otten takes a step back. She thanks them for wanting to open up to her and suggests they book a session through her clinic.

“There’s a time and place; I can’t give good advice when I don’t know all the details of their situation or medical and sexual history. It’s very complex,” she says. “I was once recognised by a girl on the dance floor at a club in Amsterdam at 3am, and I ran off into the darkness.”

Otten can be blunt. “I’m Dutch,” she explains. “I can be direct, but that’s how I speak, and sometimes I have to be that way. I don’t mind if people don’t like me because I hold boundaries with them. That’s more on them than it is on me.” When Otten speaks about boundaries, her voice is steady and unwavering.

There’s a knowing beneath her words. It’s the voice of someone who’s heard, seen and done some sh*t – and lived to tell the tale. The thing that keeps Otten going through it all is her innate curiosity.

“The best piece of advice I was ever given was to remain curious. My mum gave it to me and I’ve held onto it. People are so complex and I’m forever curious about them,” she says. “They have such amazing private lives – you have no idea about – and they come to share it with me. How lucky am I that I get to hear people’s secrets, and hold those secrets? It’s unbelievable.”

How to have better sex

Four surprisingly simple Chantelle Otten-approved ways to improve your intimacy.

Keep learning

“I want people to remain open to learning more about their sex lives and their partner. We often make the mistake of assuming we know everything about our partner, but there’s so much that goes on behind our outer shells. That mystery is a beautiful thing.”

Get playful

“Toys can add spice to your sexual experience, making it more pleasurable and adding variety for both you and your partner. I like to think of toys like salt and pepper – they might not be needed, but they make everything better.”

Book it in

“OK, this one might seem a little bit naff, but scheduling sex once a week has been shown to increase sexual satisfaction. Even if it’s the same sexual menu every time, it still improves satisfaction. Our sex lives are something we need to work at.”

Talk it out

“When you’re stuck in a sexual rut – and we all get stuck sometimes – don’t be shy to talk about it with someone who can help. That’s what sexologists are here for, to provide a different perspective and give advice on getting more pleasure.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Five important things you should have learned in sex ed

– But probably didn’t

It’s important to talk about sex with your partner.

By

If you grew up in the 90s and 00s, you may feel that sex education didn’t teach you much of practical value. Most sex education during this time followed a “prevention” approach, focusing on avoiding pregnancy and STIs, with most information largely targeted at heterosexual people.

While some schools are now making their sex education more “sex positive” and inclusive, that doesn’t change the fact that many in their 20s and 30s feel they’ve missed out on vital education that could have helped them better navigate the complex world of relationships and sexuality as adults.

But it’s never too late to learn. Here are five important lessons that sex ed should have taught you.

1. ‘Normal’ sex drive is a myth

Sex education never taught us that sex drive is highly variable and has no universal normal. While some may want sex several times a week, others may find once a month or less sufficient.

Regardless of how often you want or have sex, more important is understanding sex drive is affected by many factors, and may change throughout your lifetime. Many factors, such as hormone fluctuations, stress, certain medications (including antidepressants and hormonal contraceptives), as well lifestyle factors (such as smoking, drinking, exercise and diet) can all affect libido.

The most important thing is aspiring to understand your own sexual needs and desires and communicating these to your partner. This is important for personal wellbeing and healthy relationships.

Sex drive should only be considered problematic if you’re unhappy with it. If you’re concerned with it in any way, it’s worth checking with your GP.

2. Talking about sex is important

Many of us remember how sex ed tended to focus on discussing the harms that can come from sex. As such, some of us may now see the subject as taboo, and may shy away from talking about sex with our partner.

But research shows that sexual communication is associated with higher relationship and sexual satisfaction. When we openly communicate about sex, we’re revealing otherwise private aspects of ourselves (such as our desires or fantasies) to our partner. Doing so may, in turn, boost sexual satisfaction and feelings of intimacy, which may improve relationship satisfaction overall.

Thankfully, there’s ample advice online to help you learn how to start this conversation and know what sort of questions to ask your partner. Some relationship psychologists suggest starting these conversations as early as possible in relationships, to clarify needs and help ensure sexual compatibility.

They also suggest you continue sharing sexual fantasies as trust in the relationship grows, regularly asking your partner what they enjoy and sharing what you prefer as well.

3. Sexuality can be fluid

Most sex education in the 90s and 00s was largely skewed towards people who were heterosexual and cisgendered. This left those who identified as lesbian, gay, bisexual, non-binary or any other sexual or gender identity with little or no relevant information on how to negotiate sex and relationships.

This also means many people weren’t taught that sexuality can be multifaceted and fluid. Your sexuality is influenced by a combination of many biological, psychological and social factors, and may shift throughout your lifetime. So it’s perfectly normal for your sexual desire and who you’re attracted to change.

Two women hold hands while walking through a city.
It’s normal for sexuality to shift throughout your lifetime.

Research indicates that sexual fluidity may be more common among cisgender women and sexual minorities. It’s difficult to discern a clear reason for this, but one possibility is that men who identify as heterosexual may be less likely to act on same-sex attractions, perhaps for fear of negative reactions from those in their social circle.

There’s also evidence that same-sex attraction and sexual fluidity are influenced, in part, by genetics, showing us just how natural diversity in human sexuality is.

Understanding that sexuality can be fluid may help people to let go of potentially harmful misconceptions about themselves and others, and feel more open to express themselves and explore their sexual identity.

4. Sexually transmitted infections are very common

STIs are common, with one person being diagnosed every four minutes in the UK.

But most of us remember our sex ed classes focusing on prevention, resulting in stigmatised perceptions of STIs. This stigma can be harmful, and can impact a person’s mental and physical health, as well as their willingness to disclose their STI status to partners.

This prevention approach also meant we learned very little about how to recognise symptoms and treat STIs and fuelled the rise of myths surrounding STIs.

For example, one myth is that people with genital herpes can never have sex again without infecting their partner. Not only is this not true but also, as with all STIs, the earlier you’re diagnosed and treated, the easier it will be to avoid future complications such as infertility.

5. Navigating pregnancy and your fertility

Planning for pregnancy and parenthood is important for both women and men. But with sex ed’s focus so strongly placed on avoiding pregnancy, this means we missed out on important education relating to pregnancy and fertility. This means many women may not be properly educated about the many bodily changes that occur during pregnancy and afterwards.

Sex ed also failed to teach us that around 10%-15% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. This can be a traumatic event, even in cases of early pregnancy loss. But knowing how common it is and having appropriate support could reassure many women that it isn’t their fault.

Many of us also won’t have learned about other aspects of fertility, such as how waiting to have children may affect your chances of getting pregnant. Nor will you have been taught about how lifestyle factors such as weight, diet, and exercise can also affect your chances of becoming pregnant. We also weren’t taught about how common problems with men’s fertility are, and how it can also decline with age.

Even if you did miss out on key sex ed in your earlier years, it’s never too late to begin exploring what healthy relationships and sexuality mean to you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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We asked men how they feel about dating, sex, and porn in 2023.

— The answers are not simple

It feels like sex and dating is more complicated than ever. To find out what’s going on, GQ surveyed you about everything from body counts to porn shame to lying on dating apps

By GQ

Dating has never been easy; sex has never been simple. Still, right now feels like a particularly tumultuous time when it comes to romance. We’ve had a pandemic that, among other things, was a global mood killer. Before that, the MeToo movement spurred an ongoing confrontation with sexism and misogny at a systemic level and, for many men, an individual reckoning with how they behave towards women. As we’ve spent more time living and working remotely, dating apps and internet pornography have strengthened their grip over our attentions; the former is rewriting the codes of dating etiquette and spilling messily into how we talk to each other, while the latter continues to reshape our expectations of sex and intimacy.

It feels like we’re constantly being told that we’re living in a new age of sexual puritanism and a great sex recession, and yet sex clubs are flourishing and we’re spending £4bn a year on OnlyFans. (So are we horny, or aren’t we?) Meanwhile, birthrates have plummeted, marriage is in decline and, if Twitter is to be believed, dating is dead. Some of this feels like a necessary corrective on the stumbling path to equality and fairness; some of it feels like the dawn of a dystopia. (Not another one!) Put together, it means it can be hard to know what is really going on with sex and love in 2023.

So we thought we’d ask. Earlier this year, GQ surveyed 604 people from a representative range of age, gender, sexualities and backgrounds in Britain to ask about how you feel and think about dating, relationships and sex today. The findings point to men, in particular, being at a crossroads, with increasingly progressive attitudes towards monogamy and parenthood sitting alongside more outdated views and, sometimes, behaviours.

Sex isn’t our top priority

We asked men how they feel about dating sex and porn in 2023. The answers are not simple

First of all, we asked men how much of a priority sex and relationships are in their lives. Almost half(47%) said they can be happy in a relationship with little to no sex. This bears out in their priorities, too, with men placing spending time with friends & family (35%), working out (25%) and making money (24%) all as more important to them than sex and romance (12%).

This isn’t to say that men aren’t being adventurous. In a sign the post-Covid hedonism many anticipated might be upon us after all, 25% of men claim to have attended a sex party and would do so again. 26% of couples have done so too.

We’re not being honest on dating apps

When it comes to dating, 70% of men admitted they have lied about themselves on dating apps. Of those men, the most common areas in which they’ve misrepresented themselves were in their photos (36%), when describing their age (35%), their career (28%) and their height (27%).

Worse still, 21% of men in monogamous relationships said they were still using dating apps, and the men surveyed were more than three times as likely as women to keep an ex or former love interest’s nudes after a break-up (29% compared to 8%).

Meanwhile, TikTok debates about ‘body count’ – how many previous sexual partners is deemed acceptable in a prospective partner – seems to be playing out in real life, regressive attitudes and all. For many men, body counts count: 61% say it matters to them when choosing a partner (compared to 51% of women).

When is a body count too high? The most popular answer, chosen by 28% of the men who cared at all, was ‘more than ten’. For women, the point where body count became a problem was ‘more than 25’.

Interestingly, Gen Z may be more puritanical on this topic than their elders. Of those GQ surveyed, 71% of 16-24 year olds said that body count mattered to them – higher than for both 25-34 year olds and 35-44 year olds.

We’re living in the age of non-monogamy

Is it possible, or even desirable, to get everything we need from one person? In 2023, it seems the shape of relationships may slowly be being redrawn, from the traditional two to something more bendable.

Much has been written in recent years about the rise of consensual non-monogamy, with increasing numbers of couples looking to renegotiate the terms of sexual exclusivity. The pandemic led many people to reexamine what makes them happy and lean into sexual experimentation, while the steep rise in popularity of kink dating app Feeld suggests a more open-minded approach to sex may be emerging.

In GQ’s survey, nearly half of men (47%) would consider a relationship that isn’t monogamous, and surprising numbers are already: 9% of men said they are in a polyamorous relationship right now, while 12% said they are in a consensually non-monogamous or open relationship.

On the topic of cheating, 60% of men said they have had an affair, compared to only 32% of women. But when asked whether, in 2023, following or interacting with people on social media can constitute cheating, there was greater unanimity – 37% of men and 32% of women agreed it can.

Porn is making us feel worse

The Covid pandemic saw an increase in the use of internet porn, but porn consumption still skews heavily male – our survey results found that nearly three times as many men (61%) watch it regularly than women (22%). For a quarter of men, that means every 2-3 days (compared to 14% who use it every day, and 23% who do so once a week).

Despite how embedded pornography is in their lives, many men reported that porn has a negative impact on their emotional or mental health. Of the men who watch porn, 54% said it makes them feel self-conscious about their sexual performance, more than half (53%) said it makes them feel self-conscious about their bodies and 42% said it left them with feelings of guilt or self-loathing. In addition, 30% said it has left them feeling confused about their sexual preferences. In that sense, porn is becoming like social media: we know it is bad for us, we dislike ourselves for doing it, but we can’t seem to stop.

It’s not all solo viewing, though. Of the men we surveyed, 43% said they have watched porn with their partner, and 25% do so regularly. There was also evidence that good old-fashioned sex with a person isn’t over quite yet: when asked to rank sexual activities in order of how exciting they are, sex with a person was significantly higher (38%) than using pornography (7%).

We’re thinking (and worrying) about kids

It’s not just sex, dating and relationships that feel in flux. With birth rates declining around the world and first-time parents getting older on average than ever before in the west, expectations and attitudes surrounding parenthood are also being rewritten.

Recent research is putting rened weight behind the idea of a male biological clock, and there’s evidence that fertility is a growing concern for men: 40% said it was something they worry about, compared to 39% of women. Responsibilities around childcaring are also changing; 29% of men surveyed said they would consider raising children independently.

All together? It paints a messy picture of modern love. There are signs of progress: 61% of men said that they understood consent better after the cultural conversations post-MeToo (63% of people in total). But that can feel hard to square with the 12% of men said they’d find someone who’d had more than one sexual partner off-putting.

In short: we still have a lot left to figure out, and much more to discuss. Finding ways to acknowledge this and create the space for a better kind of conversation is, perhaps, its own kind of progress. That’s why we’re kicking off our Modern Lovers week with a series of stories about the realities and intricacies of this new landscape, from dating with borderline personality disorder to those battling post-natal depression, the people in love with AI-powered dolls and those trying to overcome their own ‘weaponised incompetence’.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What makes for a ‘great’ sex life?

— Research into intimacy upends many popular notions about sexual fulfillment. One hint: It’s more about connection than technique.

By Nicola Jones

The unhappiest time in a sex therapist’s office is around Valentine’s Day, says Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz, a professor in the faculty of medicine at the University of Ottawa. “It’s the day where I see the most miserable couples, the most distressed couples,” she says.

High pressure and expectations can prove an explosive combination for people already struggling with their sex lives. Sex, it turns out, isn’t as easy or simple as popular culture might lead us to believe.

Kleinplatz, trained as a clinical psychologist and sex therapist, has spent many years untangling the many reasons for sexual dissatisfaction. In 2018, she authored a review of the history of treatment of female dysfunctions in the Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, examining the controversial ways in which women’s sexuality in particular has been viewed and treated over the decades, and what might be the best way forward. She is director of the Optimal Sexual Experiences research team at the University of Ottawa; in 2020, she coauthored the book Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers, inspired by findings from her long-term study of couples.

The recommendations from her and her colleagues’ research about how to build a more connected, fulfilling sex life are now being fine-tuned and rolled out on sex therapists’ couches. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

One reason couples wind up in your office is a mismatch in desire: Perhaps one partner wants sex multiple times a day, and another less than once a month. How common is this?

This is the most common presenting problem in the offices of sex therapists.

The reason couples show up in our offices is not because of a problem in one or in the other, but because there’s a discrepancy between them, which we refer to as sexual desire discrepancy.

This can be problematic because sexuality represents such a central part of one’s identity. The feelings of rejection when your partner doesn’t feel like having sex, and the feelings of obligation when you don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings, are enormous. A lot of couples end up resting their self-concept on whether or not they’re matching up well with their partner in terms of desire and frequency.

Let’s look at both sides of that coin. First, we have people with a very high sex drive. Is that a “disorder”?

If we look at the early editions of the diagnostic manual known as the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) from the American Psychiatric Association in the 1950s, it listed problems of having too much desire. In women, this was referred to as nymphomania; the corresponding diagnosis for men is satyriasis. The diagnosis of nymphomania in a woman was fairly serious. A possible treatment for it in the 1950s was electroconvulsive therapy or frontal lobotomy. Men who had lots and lots of sex, and lots and lots of sexual desire, were generally not given a diagnosis and instead perceived as normal.

Then along comes the sexual revolution. And all of a sudden, the idea that “too much” was pathological was jettisoned. In 1980, the DSM-III got rid of the diagnoses of too much desire and replaced them with the diagnosis of too little desire. Theoretically, our diagnoses are supposed to be objective, empirical, value-free. But the history of how we diagnose reveals a great deal about sexual and social values.

How has the clinical perception of low desire changed over time for men and women?

In 1980, the DSM authors also said, “We need to do something about the gender bias that was there in the first DSM and DSM-II.” From 1987, they called it “hypoactive sexual desire disorder” for both men and women, when low desire causes distress.

But by the time we get to the DSM-V of 2013, they changed their minds again. They decided to have erectile dysfunction and hypoactive sexual desire disorder, separate, for men. But for women, they said to collapse them to “female sexual interest/arousal disorder.”

Low sex desire might simply be good judgment. “It’s rational to have low desire for undesirable sex.”

Was this decision to lump together desire and arousal a good idea? And by desire, we are talking about the frequency of wanting sex or having sexual fantasies; by arousal, we mean the physiological and psychological response to sexual stimuli.

I think it’s the obligation of clinicians to tease things apart. If you were to walk into your physician’s office and say, “I have a stomachache,” it’s the physician’s job to figure out if you ate something that gave you food poisoning, or if you’ve got an ulcer, or if you’ve got some kind of cancer in your abdomen, right? So I think that when it comes to sexual problems, it’s equally important for the onus to be on the clinician to tease out whether it’s a problem related to arousal or desire, regardless of whether your patient is male, female, trans, non-binary, etcetera.

Some clinicians might recommend compromise in a couple facing sexual desire discrepancy. Is that a good idea?

That is ill-advised. Neither partner is getting what’s actually desired. What clinicians will end up with is resentful patients who don’t trust their judgment.

One of the reasons it doesn’t work is because the clinician is being trapped into treating a symptom of a problem, framed in terms of frequency, rather than getting to the heart of what this symptom represents. It might represent an interpersonal problem, such as difficulty managing conflict. Or it might have to do with the quality of the sex itself.

“The focus of most research has been how to take bad sex and make it less bad.”

What looks like a problem of low sexual desire might be evidence of good judgment, perhaps even good taste. If I asked you to think about the last time you had sex, and what feelings come up inside of you, what I’m interested in is the extent to which the feelings that are brought forth within you are more like anticipation, as in “I want more of that,” or more like dread. It’s rational to have low desire for undesirable sex.

If the problem is bad sex, and the solution is better sex — magnificent sex, even! — has there been much scholarly research about that?

The focus of most research has been how to take bad sex and make it less bad. But most people don’t want sex that’s merely “not bad,” or that is mediocre. Most people want sex that makes them feel alive in one another’s embrace. In 2005, our research team began to study people who were having deeply fulfilling sexual encounters. We wanted to study what they were doing right, so that we could learn from them.

Who were these people — whom did you speak with?

Based on my clinical experience, some of the people who had impressed me most were people in their 60s, 70s and 80s who — because of life changes, perhaps disease, or disability, or becoming empty nesters or losing someone close to them — had to reinvent sex. It occurred to me to study other people who’ve been marginalized, who had similarly been forced to reinvent, redefine or re-envision sex.

And so we studied various kinds of sexual-, gender- and relationship-minority individuals: people in their 60s, 70s and 80s; people who are LGBTQ+; people who were in consensually non-monogamous relationships, people who are into kink, etc. All of these people had had to make conscious choices about what they wanted their sex lives to look like.

For the very first study, which we describe in our book, we studied 75 people, interviewing each for 42 minutes to nearly two hours.

What did you learn about magnificent sex? Is it all about orgasms?

Contrary to what we hear in the mainstream media that great sex is all about tips and tricks and techniques and toys that culminate in earth-shattering orgasm, among the individuals we have studied and have come to call “extraordinary lovers,” orgasms were neither necessary nor sufficient components of “magnificent sex.” The qualities that made sex worth wanting were deeper, and less technique-focused.

Each erotic experience is different, but virtually all the extraordinary lovers described the same eight components and seven facilitating factors.

What were these components and facilitating factors?

Two of the components that people tended to mention fairly often were being embodied, absorbed in the moment, really present and alive; and being in sync with and connected to the other person, so merged that you couldn’t tell where one person started and the other person stopped. It’s quite something to be fully embodied within, while simultaneously really in sync with, another human being.

The other components included: erotic intimacy, empathic communication, being authentic, vulnerability, exploring risk-taking and fun, and transcendence. By empathic communication, I don’t just mean verbal communication; I mean being so in tune with your partner that you can practically feel in your own skin the way that your partner wants to be touched most. One participant described transcendence as: “An expe­rience of floating in the universe of light and stars and music and sublime peace.”

Were there revealing differences between, say, men and women?

When one partner wants more — or less — sex than the other, compromise is not the answer.

In the literature they often presume, and maybe even have evidence for, differences between men and women, the young and the old, the LGBTQ versus the straight, the monogamous versus the non-monogamous, etcetera. But in our research, we found that the experience of what we have come to call “magnificent sex” was indistinguishable between these different groups.

There were only two people — me and my then-doctoral student Dana Ménard, now Dr. Dana Ménard at the University of Windsor — who knew who was whom. All the other members of the research team saw only de-identified, written transcripts. And they would look at the transcripts and make assumptions about the participant’s identity and their guesses were inaccurate. The people they thought were men turned out to be women, people they thought were kinky were people who identified instead as vanilla, and vice versa. What it takes to make a person glow in the dark was virtually universal among our participants.

Did you hear any particularly striking stories?

There was one couple that we interviewed, for example, who were both in their 70s, semi-retired. These individuals said: “We used to have sex three times a week. Well, we’re in our 70s now, so we only have sex once a week. When we get home from work on Thursday, we head into our kitchen to begin ‘foreplay’: chop up fruits, vegetables, enough healthy things so that we have enough food to last us until we go back to work on Monday morning, without ever having to get out of bed. We don’t have to do the dishes. We don’t have anything else to do except to have sex with each other for three-and-a-half days. So, we only have sex once a week now. But it lasts from Thursday afternoon until Monday morning.”

That’s an extraordinary example, but it really speaks to a recurring theme in your book of being willing to devote considerable energy, time and dedication to the pursuit of a good sex life.

Yes. One of the myths that we hear constantly in the mainstream media is that sex should be natural and spontaneous. And we see that same myth reiterated in porn. The reality is that extraordinary lovers choose to devote time and energy to this most valued of their pursuits. That’s a crucial lesson for all of us. Great lovers are made, not born.

Has your research led to clinical applications?

Around 2012, we started to study: How might we take the lessons from the extraordinary lovers and apply them to couples who were suffering from sexual desire discrepancy? And could it actually help them?

A lot of psychotherapy is expensive. And it’s out of reach of people with limited budgets or limited insurance. Given that one of the foundations of our work as a research team has been social justice, we decided to be as inclusive as possible by setting up group therapy. We developed an eight-week intervention helping couples to become more vulnerable, authentic, playful and so on.

Does it work?

We now have spent 10 years researching this — and, it works. That’s the short version.

“Extraordinary lovers choose to devote time and energy to this most valued of their pursuits.”

On two psychometric scales of sexual satisfaction and fulfillment, we find clinically meaningful and statistically significant change in couples from the beginning of the intervention to the end. But the really valuable thing is that the changes seem to be sustained six months later: There are enduring changes in their sexual fulfillment. Participants describe marked improvements in trust, creativity, embodiment, negotiation of consent and empathic communication.

How did the pandemic affect your work?

Even in the first year of pandemic we were hearing that there were more and more couples struggling, because they were home 24/7, working from home 24/7, taking care of their kids 24/7. Marriages were strained.

We moved the group therapy online, using a platform compliant with HIPAA (the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act) for the sake of security and confidentiality. And our data, much, to my astonishment, showed that the online group therapy is every bit as effective, which makes it even more accessible to more people. It means that they don’t have to pay for parking, pay for babysitters, worry about winter driving or how to find a sex therapist in the middle of Iowa. We’re now training people all over the world who are getting the same effective outcomes.

What’s your focus on now? Any new projects in the works?

Our focus now is on offering this approach to therapy for another group of people who may really need it: couples facing cancer. Cancer itself can be devastating to a person’s sex life, as can chemotherapy, radiation and the surgeries that are often required to save people’s lives. So that’s our current endeavor: applying what we’ve learned during Covid-19 about the effectiveness of online group therapy to couples facing cancer at every stage from diagnosis through survivorship. Why not embrace life for as long as we live?

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What to Do When You Have Mismatched Libido in a Relationship

— A mismatched libido, also known as sexual desire discrepancy, is a common issue in relationships that occurs when one partner has higher or lower sex drive than the other. While a difference in sexual desire in couples is normal, it may cause a lot of stress for some couples. Luckily, there are ways to help mitigate this difference, including scheduling sex, exploring intimacy without sex, self-pleasure, and therapy.

By Rhiannon John, MSexol

  • A mismatched libido, also known as sexual desire discrepancy, is a common issue in relationships where one partner desires sex more than the other.
  • Several factors influence sexual desire, including stress, fatigue, hormones, pregnancy, medications, and illness. As partners experience these factors at different stages throughout their life, a mismatched libido is normal and may come and go.
  • If you and your partner are experiencing a mismatched libido and it is troubling you, you can have a pleasurable and satisfying sex life by being understanding, using good communication, and compromising.

What is a mismatched libido?

A mismatched libido, which is also known as sexual desire discrepancy, is when each person within a relationship has a different level of sexual desire than the other. There are a number of factors that can influence a person’s sexual desire, including:

  • Stress
  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • Relationship problems
  • Trauma
  • Pregnancy
  • Menopause
  • Pain during sex
  • Self-esteem
  • Illness
  • Certain medications

As these factors influence a person’s sexual desire, a mismatched libido is not necessarily permanent, and some couples could experience a change in their sexual desire for a brief period in their relationships. For example, a couple may experience mismatched libido during pregnancy and postpartum, but their desire may return to previous levels once the child is sleeping through the night.

It’s important to note that the stereotype surrounding men having higher rates of desire, and women having lower rates, is not true and is also heteronormative. Many women experience higher rates of sexual desire than their partners. And sexual desire discrepancy is common in many relationship types, including gay, lesbian, and queer relationships.

How common is mismatched libido?

Having a different amount of sexual desire than your partner is normal and extremely common, with one study finding it affects around 80% of couples.

It’s important to remember that having a higher or lower sex drive than your partner is normal and that, as many factors impact sexual desire, it is bound to change at different stages of life. Having a mismatched libido isn’t necessarily an issue that needs to be worked on. For some couples, a mismatched libido isn’t a big deal, but for others, it can cause enormous strain on the relationship.

Can a relationship work with mismatched libidos?

Yes, a relationship with mismatched libidos can work. Couples who use empathy, understanding, good communication, and compromise find that they can have a pleasurable and satisfying sex life.

Mismatched libidos – what to do:

If you and your partner are experiencing mismatched libidos, there are a few things that you can try.

Communicate your concerns

If you are experiencing a discrepancy in sexual desire within your relationship, the first thing you need to do is communicate with your partner. Pick a time when both partners are free from distraction and have an open and honest discussion about your concerns, needs, desires, and boundaries. Make sure that you listen to your partner’s concerns and treat them with respect, avoiding any blame or shame.

Compromise

Once you and your partner have communicated your concerns, needs, desires, and boundaries, work out a way in which each person can have some of their needs met. To do this, both partners will need to compromise and incorporate different strategies, including scheduling sex, exploring intimacy without having sex, self-pleasure, addressing the underlying issues, and potentially seeing a therapist.

Respect each other’s boundaries

First and foremost, remember that it is always ok to say “no.” Neither partner should be pressuring the other into doing something they’re not comfortable with. However, if the relationship is safe and healthy for each partner, and the couple is committed to working through their differences in libido, the partner with the lower libido should provide their partner reassurance when saying no, to avoid them feeling personally rejected.

Tips for couples experiencing sexual desire discrepancy

If you and your partner have a different amount of sexual desire, there are a few tips that you can try.

Schedule sex

Scheduling sex has many benefits. First, it helps us to prioritize our pleasure in a world where so many other things are competing for our attention. It’s also great for those who have responsive desire, who are turned on only once they are sexually stimulated. Scheduling sex also helps to take the pressure off initiating sex, as the partner with the higher desire doesn’t feel guilt or rejection from initiating. Scheduling intimacy also creates anticipation and excitement leading up to the event.

Explore intimacy without sex

Exploring intimacy without having sex allows couples to build on their emotional connection, which increases trust and closeness, all essential ingredients to having good sex. Couples can also maintain intimacy through physical touch, such as kissing and cuddling, and spending time together doing their favorite activities.

Additionally, couples may like to reframe their understanding of sex and focus on sexual or intimate acts outside of penetration. For example, one partner may be feeling tired but open to receiving oral sex but unable to put in much effort. This may please the other partner, who is willing to give pleasure and finds this sexually stimulating.

Try self-pleasure

If you find yourself wanting more sex than your partner, self-pleasure can help to reduce the pressure on both partners, as the higher-desire partner can experience sexual pleasure without having to pressure their partner.

Self-pleasure is also beneficial for the lower-desire partner, as it can help to increase their desire and sexual self-confidence, and they may find new ways to pleasure themselves, which can be communicated back to their partner.

Try therapy

Many people find that seeing a sex therapist or mental health professional who specializes in sex and relationships is beneficial. Therapists can offer support and guidance and help address any underlying factors that may be contributing to the discrepancy in desire.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Concerned about your sex drive?

— Here’s everything you need to know

Because a ‘normal’ sex drive doesn’t exist…

By Emilie Lavinia

Sex drive. Two words many of us shy away from, for fear of discovering we have an “abnormal” desire for sex – whether that’s a high or low libido.

In reality, many of us have misconceptions about our sex drive and don’t realise that it’s normal for our desire for sex to fluctuate throughout our lives. With the help of sex and relationships experts, we dive deeper into what your sex drive really is, and the factors that could be impacting it.

What does ‘sex drive’ mean?

Sex drive or “libido” is the term used when we talk about our appetite for sex – whether that means sexual thoughts, fantasies and daydreams or sensations and experiences. “Libido is the desire someone has to interact in sexual activity,” explains Jessica Sepel, founder of and the creator of Libido+. “Your sexual desire is the force that can either lead you toward or away from sexual behaviour.”

Sex expert Dr Emily Nagoski, author of seminal book on desire, Come As You Are, suggests that there’s actually no such thing as a so-called sex drive because a drive and a desire are not the same thing. Dr Nagoski says that instead of “a drive”, when it comes to sex, what humans experience are different styles of desire. Nagoski calls these two types of desire spontaneous and responsive.

  • Spontaneous desire is exactly as it sounds – it’s a desire experienced at random, a sudden feeling or sensation.
  • Responsive desire requires some kind of stimulation to evoke sexual desire – be this visual, physical, through sound, scent or memory.
Come as You Are

Natasha Marie, sexual wellness expert at MysteryVibe adds: “Boosting desire involves a collection of things, the foundation of which is understanding your sexual response cycle and identifying how you respond to sexual stimuli. Do you feel desire first? Or arousal first? Do you have a spontaneous sex drive? Or a responsive sex drive?”

What’s a normal sex drive?

It’s easy to feel insecure about how often you want sex, how frequently you feel sexy or the rate at which you experience sexual thoughts and feelings, but there is no rule book. We do know however, based on centuries of the study of sex and sexuality, that certain periods in a person’s life will see either a generally increased or decreased appetite or craving for sex. Peaks and troughs in desire can be influenced by all sorts of factors, but primarily, the causes are hormonal. This is due to the natural fluctuations in hormone levels that take place within our bodies.

What are the signs of a high sex drive?

A high sex drive is generally characterised by how often you show an interest in sex and experience desire, but it doesn’t necessarily reflect how often you engage in sexual activity. Having a high sex drive looks different to different people.

Some common signs of a high sex drive include:

  • Having regular sexual thoughts and feelings
  • Feeling turned on often
  • Feeling connected with your sexual identity and your body
  • Sexual confidence
  • Sex-positive attitude

What causes a high sex drive?

Hormones

“Many of us tend to think about our sex lives as separate from our personal and professional lives, but everything that transpires carries into the bedroom,” says Natasha Marie of MysteryVibe. Our hormones are the greatest catalyst for increased drive and desire. For example, women who experience a testosterone deficiency might experience symptoms like low libido. While high testosterone can be responsible for a higher libido, it can also signal issues like polycystic ovary syndrome, also known as PCOS. Our hormones require a state of balance that can be upset by a myriad of lifestyle factors, such as diet, stress and sleep, and our sex drive depends on this balance being maintained.

Healthy lifestyle

A high sex drive is also linked to a healthy body. The better your heart function, the more balanced your endocrine system and the healthier your circulation and respiratory system, the easier it will be for you to be turned on. Your stamina, ability to orgasm and your recovery time after sex will also be boosted by these factors.

“It might seem trite and basic, but all your lifestyle choices influence the quality of your sexual wellness and confidence.” says Natasha of MysteryVibe. “It’s important to get adequate sleep, eat a nutritious diet to fuel your body, exercise regularly, and incorporate mindfulness practices into your life, like meditation, that equip you to navigate daily stressors.”

Jessica Sepel of JSHealth adds: “Exercise, mindfulness and yoga ultimately all enhance sexual satisfaction. Increased sexual satisfaction therefore has a direct effect on mood, relationships, connection and self love. So if you are feeling healthy, calm, happy and stress-free it’s likely you will have a heightened sex drive.”

What causes a low sex drive?

Stress

Even if you’re a healthy person with a positive attitude to sex and pleasure, it can sometimes be challenging to get into a headspace that embraces this, especially when life presents so many stresses and distractions. Some people rarely think about sex and find it difficult to get in the mood to do so. We’re rarely encouraged to think about what happens to your body and brain when you orgasm day to day. When women’s lack of sexual desire is persistent and distressing, it’s called hypoactive sexual desire disorder and it’s more common than you might think.

“The world we live in is enormously stressful and stress has a huge impact on people’s sexual relationships and desire to have sex.” says Jessica of JSHealth. “We know that our minds and bodies must be relaxed in order to feel like sex as well as enjoy sex. So really, if you are struggling with low libido, it is not your fault.

Hormones

Low testosterone is the primary hormonal cause of low libido in men and women. Hormones in the female body will begin to decrease naturally with age as perimenopause and menopause kicks in, and it’s not just testosterone loss that causes issues here. Oestrogen and progesterone levels will also begin to drop causing stress, anxiety, loss of moisture in the body – which can lead to uncomfortable dryness – muscle and headaches, and mood swings. With all this going on it can be incredibly challenging to feel sexy.

Painful sex

Due to dryness, conditions like vaginismus and the symptoms of menopause or childbirth, sex can sometimes be painful. Just worrying about how the sensation of sex might feel is enough to put anyone off and this can contribute to a chronic low sex drive. It’s not always possible to masturbate either. Issues with pain can put us off self touch as well as partnered sex.

Natasha Marie from MysteryVibe says: “Sometimes we encounter barriers that prevent the experience of pleasure, like pelvic pain and pain during penetrative sex, which can require a little more diligence to overcome to heighten libido. It’s always best to consult a healthcare professional when experiencing pain.”

Shame and embarrassment

It doesn’t matter how old you are, embarrassment about sex and your body can be hard to shake off. Shame can be a confidence killer and can make you feel morally conflicted about having a high sex drive, having sexual thoughts and feelings or wanting to act on them. The worst thing you can do is beat yourself up for how you feel or try to suppress your sex drive.

Our thoughts shape our reality, so be mindful of negative self-talk. Overcoming years of neural programming can be a tall order, but it’s absolutely possible to re-write your internal narrative. “Acknowledge any negative thoughts or biases towards yourself or others, then replace them with positivity. Compliment yourself on repeat, like a mantra, until it becomes a reality. This may be triggering for some to confront intimate truths and may take effort and patience.” says Natasha Marie of MysteryVibe.

Loss of romantic spark

If you’re in a long-term relationship and feel like the sexual or romantic sparks are not as bright as they once were, you’re not alone. “Scientists have discovered that oxytocin, a bonding hormone that helps turn you on, is mostly released during the early stages of a relationship.” says Pippa of Condoms UK. “In fact, the hormone is so strong at the beginning of a relationship that it works like a drug and continuously makes you crave sex. However, as time goes on, there’s a natural decline in the release of this hormone.”

As we grow accustomed to a particular type of relationship and a certain type of sex, it doesn’t matter if this is our favourite, we’re naturally predisposed to find it less exciting as time goes on. A loss of spark and a familiarity, whether with a partner, or even in the way we practice self pleasure, can cause a drop in desire and it’s worth keeping an eye on this to see if your routine and the way you show yourself and others affection might need shaking up.

My sex drive is different to my partner – is this normal?

Our differing desire styles, hormonal fluctuations, lifestyle choices and external influences can all affect how much we’re in the mood for sex and often, couples experience what’s known as arousal non-concordance.

This is a mismatch of libido but can also be used to describe unmatched feelings and actions or unequal expectations and experiences. For example, you and your partner might experience desire at different times, or, you might find that you’re often in the mood to enjoy self pleasure but your body doesn’t respond by getting wet or hard. Arousal non-concordance is entirely normal and is something lots of people experience, especially when it comes to sex during menopause or sex in midlife.

“Sometimes we encounter mismatched sex drives within relationships, and while that is normal, it can make us want to increase our sex drives to match our partners.” says Natasha Marie of MysteryVibe. “Thankfully, we’re in the era where sexual liberation meets innovation, and there are methods and tools that make the job of boosting your sex drive very pleasurable.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to navigate a sexual dry spell in your relationship, or on your own

Everything can remind you of sex if you’re not getting any, but there are ways to get through a phase of inactivity

by Brit Dawson

Of all the jaw drop moments on the most recent season of The White Lotus, one of the biggest talking points was how married couple Ethan and Harper reignited a fallow sexual period in their relationship by cheating, or at least seeming to do so. What the show captured was how periods of infrequent sex and communicating your low libido can feel like a taboo for couples in their thirties.

The marriage may have been fictional but their problems are anything but. Just look at the sexless community of Reddit’s DeadBedrooms, where hundreds of thousands of people struggling with a lack of sexual intimacy in their relationships share their issues. However you handle it, when you’re in a so-called ‘sexual dry spell’, not only can everything remind you of sex, but it can often feel like you’re the only one not getting any. This makes it much easier to catastrophise, particularly if you’re in a relationship.

“It’s so easy to get caught up in box-ticking with sex, where if you’re not having it more than twice a week, it means there’s something wrong with your relationship,” says sex and relationships coach Lucy Rowett.

But rest assured, you’re not alone. In fact, as the idiom goes, nothing in this world is certain except death, taxes, and an inevitable sexual dry spell that leaves you frustrated, confused, and incredibly horny. And, whether it’s by choice or not, there’s a myriad of reasons that could be causing a dry spell – each of which are unique to the individual or couple. Not all of which necessarily mean your relationship, or, if you’re single, dating prospects, are doomed.

So, for those who don’t want to ‘fix’ a sexless marriage the White Lotus way, and for singles navigating a dry spell alone, Rowett is on hand to explain why you might not be having sex right now, and offer tips on how to reignite your sexual spark.

Why am I in a sexual dry spell?

There’s plenty of logistical reasons why someone might not be having much sex at a particular moment. For single people, it could be chalked up to a lack of suitable partners, healing after a break-up, or – as is increasingly common with dating via apps – a period of time where you swear off dating and sex completely. For couples, a lack of sex could relate to differing schedules, living long distances apart, or, for parents, a lack of time alone.

For everyone, though, emotional issues play a major role in our feelings of both self-confidence and sexual desire. Chronic stress, mental or physical illness, major life events like bereavement or pregnancy, or even unresolved conflicts or communication difficulties in relationships can all affect our libidos.

Then there’s additional factors at play in relationships. Rowett explains that it’s completely normal for the initial passion and desire you feel during the ‘honeymoon stage’ to wane after the first six months to a year of being together. “In the world of polyamory and consensual non-monogamy, it’s known as ‘new relationship energy’,” she continues. “This is because when you’re first together, your brains are all for intents and purposes, high on a cocktail of hormones such as dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and norepinephrine.” As you start to settle into relationship familiarity, these hormones taper off. “If you don’t know what’s happening, you can mistake this for falling out of love with each other and think there’s something wrong.”

Ultimately, Rowett believes that sexual dry spells – for anyone – are often a source of confusion because of most people’s “lack of knowledge and understanding about how desire works in the first place, how to communicate what they want, and even knowing who they are as sexual beings and how to communicate that”.

How can I talk to my partner about it?

Broaching the topic of why you aren’t having sex can be a scary thing to do with your partner, particularly if you’re unsure about whether there’s a deeper reason behind it. So, before launching into a random splurge of thoughts, Rowett recommends considering your setting. “Start the conversation somewhere neutral where you both feel relaxed, for example over dinner, when you’re watching TV, or even on a walk together,” she suggests. Then, when it comes to the content of your talk, it’s important not to dive in with accusations or presumptions about why you’re in a dry spell. “Start with how you feel about it and how much you miss intimacy with each other, and then ask your partner how they feel and what you want,” explains Rowett. “When they speak, make sure you actually listen and empathise with how they feel, even if you don’t agree with them.”

How can I reignite my sexual spark?

Okay, so you’ve had the hard conversation with your partner, and perhaps now you’re wondering how to reignite your sexual spark, but without it feeling awkward and forced. “Start by going back to the foundations,” says Rowett. “Plan dates with each other, start touching and holding hands again, send flirty texts or leave little notes for each other.” If you work different hours or one person travels a lot, it might be worth scheduling in time for intimacy – not necessarily a sex schedule, but allotted moments to spend quality time together, which could then naturally lead to sex.

One key element of rediscovering your own sexual desire in a relationship is to create some distance between you and your partner sometimes. This can start with nurturing your own interests and passions to make sure you’re not living in your partner’s pocket. “Start doing things that make you excited again,” suggests Rowett, “go out with your friends, take up that hobby you always wanted to.”

For anyone – single or in a relationship – Rowett says the most important thing to remember is that “you are your first lover, so treat yourself that way”. Masturbation is a great way to reignite your own sex fires, but, as Rowett puts it, it’s not just about doing it “from time to time to scratch an itch”, but rather “treating yourself as you wish to be treated by a lover”. A dry spell might be a good time to explore novel toys, learn new masturbation techniques, or join sexuality workshops to learn something new. “Think of this as the perfect time to work on yourself,” she continues. “Get clear on your boundaries, needs, and what you actually want.”

Of course, it’s also important to interrogate the root of why you might not be interested in sex right now. Take the time to work on your own mental or physical health, or to manage any considerable stresses in your life. If you’re feeling lighter and happier yourself, your sex life will, unsurprisingly, benefit too.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!