Category: Achieving Orgasm

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Why can’t I have an orgasm?

— Sexperts share advice on achieving bedroom bliss

If you’ve been worrying, “Why can’t I have an orgasm?” no need to panic—the pros are here to help

By Danielle Valente

“Why can’t I have an orgasm?”

There’s no need to chuck your sex toys in the trash or skip out on a sofa sex adventure. Whether you’re experiencing something psychological or emotional that could be standing in the way of your sexual satisfaction, the pros are here to help you get back on track and revel in a satisfying O.

And, above all, it’s important to remember that the phenomenon isn’t a “make it or break it” deal.

“An orgasm isn’t the be-all and end-all of sex, nor does it define a sexual encounter,” Annabelle Knight, a sex and relationship at Lovehoney (opens in new tab) previously told My Imperfect Life.

That being said, it is still in pretty high demand, so allow the professionals to help walk you through any potential hiccups you might be experiencing.

There isn’t necessarily a clear-cut answer. While medical factors might inhibit some women from achieving orgasm, emotional hurdles might prevent others from having a satisfying experience. Regardless, the first step towards taking back the pleasure is identifying the problem.

“Many people may have anxiety that can interfere with the ability to relax and enjoy the present moment. This can lead to difficulty becoming aroused, achieving orgasm, and performance anxiety,” says sex and relationship expert Melissa Stone.

Though it may seem like everyday stressors wouldn’t be an issue in bed, that anxiety can carry over into your sex life, so it’s crucial to take an extra few steps towards calming your nerves.

“It is important to practice self-care and find healthy ways to manage stress and anxiety such as deep breathing and mindfulness meditation,” Stone says. “Additionally, talking to a therapist can help to explore deeper issues and find ways to cope with and manage them.”

When it comes to physical causes, everybody is different—quite literally. Hormone imbalances, medications and conditions like endometriosis could be contributors to your orgasm’s elusiveness. Another factor we oftentimes overlook is vaginal dryness, so perhaps it’s time to play around with different types of lube. Whatever the case might be, should you believe that the issue is pressing, make an appointment with your doctor. (And have a look at what gynecologists want you to know about your reproductive health.)

Melissa Stone is a sex and relationship expert at Joy Love Dolls, the “world’s leading authority on sexual exploration, adult toys and realistic dolls.

How to get back on track with your big O:

Before going into panic mode, there are methods to consider if you’re looking for that memorable final moment. Pippa Murphy, the sex and relationship expert at condoms.uk, and Stone, break down different remedies to consider.

1. Talk about sex

If you cannot orgasm with a partner, you have to be frank. Talking about sex is the key to making it better and analyzing what works and what might need some fine-tuning.

“Couples that communicate openly and honestly are more likely to maintain a stronger emotional connection, which naturally leads to better sex,” Murphy says.

Should you feel a little bit stressed about sex, you’ll be more relieved once you have an open dialogue.

2. Try using lube

There’s a lot of misconception about lube—don’t think that it can’t help you.

“Whilst many people believe that lube is strictly for those who suffer from dryness during sex, that certainly isn’t the case and can bring a lot of benefits to the bedroom,” Murphy says. “For example, it can enhance pleasure by creating different sensations like a warming or cooling effect wherever it’s applied. Plus, previous studies have shown that lube makes it 50% easier for everyone to orgasm. Need I say more?”

Have more Qs about lube? Don’t worry—we asked them so you don’t have to!

3. Experiment during solo sex

One-on-one time gives you the freedom to do as you please without the fear of judgment from a partner. Solo sex is necessary for you to find out what you like and what you could do without. Plus, the experts say masturbation is the key to women’s most intense orgasms.

4. Switch up positions

Should your go-to move not really feel satisfying, try switching things up. And don’t forget about erogenous zones—Murphy says a little extra attention in these spots will go a long way. (Plenty of sexperts make the case for nipple orgasms.)

5. Try foreplay

“Your brain is wired to experience more pleasure when the anticipation of a reward goes on for a long period, making foreplay even more key to an orgasm,” Murphy says. “So, if you feel that your partner rushes it, take control of the situation and ask them to slow down.”

We’ve rounded up fun foreplay ideas to get the ball rolling.

6. Don’t underestimate kissing

A simple smooch goes a long way. And science says kissing during sex increases the chance for orgasm.

“A study found that couples who kiss for at least six seconds had the most successful relationships. This is because the kiss gives you enough time to get out of your brain and, instead, be in the moment,” Murphy says. “Chances are you may get more sexually stimulated as time goes on, increasing your chances of orgasming.”

7. Stay present

Though at times it’s easier said than done, remember the importance of staying in the moment. Don’t let your thoughts drift.

“Relax and try to enjoy sex. If what goes through your mind during sex isn’t exactly sexy (e.g., “What am I doing wrong?”), it’s easy to lose sight of what matters most — enjoying yourself in the moment,” Murphy says. “So instead of focusing on how things should be or what’s going wrong, try thinking about what feels good and what makes you happy.”

While you’re at it, be sure to have a gander at the best sex tips ever and the 2023 sex trends dominating the bedroom. And again, should the orgasm issue persist, don’t be afraid to seek professional advice from a doctor.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Types of Orgasms and How to Feel Each of Them

— For people with vaginas, there are many different types of orgasms. The most common way of orgasm is through clitoral stimulation. Other types of orgasms include vaginal, anal, and cervical orgasms. Some people have even experienced orgasms from working out and giving birth. Let’s look at the different kinds of orgasms, and the best ways to maximize your chances of experiencing them.

By Rhiannon John, MSexol

  • People with vaginas can experience multiple types of orgasms, including clitoral, vaginal, anal, and cervical orgasms, as well as orgasms from stimulating the breasts and nipples.
  • For people with vaginas, the most common way to achieve an orgasm is through stimulation of the external clitoris. Many people are unable to orgasm without clitoral stimulation.
  • If you are looking to explore new types of orgasms, set aside some time free of distractions so you can explore your body and find what feels pleasurable to you.

What exactly is an orgasm?

While there isn’t an exact definition of an orgasm, as everyone experiences them slightly differently, most people can agree that an orgasm is the peak of sexual arousal. Orgasms are seen as an intense feeling of physical pleasure, often resulting from the build-up of sexual stimuli.

An orgasm is the third stage in the sexual response cycle. It is characterized by a number of physical symptoms, including:

  • Pleasurable feelings in the genitals;
  • Increased heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing;
  • Involuntary muscles spasms;
  • Uterus contractions (for uterus owners);
  • Ejaculation (for penis owners);
  • Psychological feelings of pleasure.

While these are typical symptoms of an orgasm, it’s important to note that each person experiences them slightly differently.

Are there multiple types of orgasms?

Yes, however, the answer is a little more complicated, particularly for those with vaginas. Anecdotally, people with vaginas speak about experiencing different orgasms, such as clitoral and vaginal. But some research suggests that those who experience vaginal orgasms are doing so as a result of stimulation of the internal parts of the clitoris. The internal bulbs of the clitoris hug the outside of the vagina, so what some people may believe is a vaginal orgasm could be a clitoral orgasm.

Nevertheless, for many people, the sensations of these orgasms feel different and are obtained through different forms of stimulation, that’s why they have different names. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what type of orgasm you experienced or how you got there. All that matters is that it felt good, and you and those around you were safe.

What types of orgasms are there?

Anecdotally, people have experienced many different types of orgasms, with some being more common than others. Below we’ll explore some of the most common types of orgasms and some rarer types.

Clitoral orgasm

The clitoral orgasm is the most common type of orgasm for people with vaginas, with many people unable to orgasm without stimulation of the clitoris. Studies have found that 36.6% of people with vaginas can only orgasm from external clitoral stimulation. A further 36% of people say that while they don’t need external clitoral stimulation to orgasm, the stimulation of the clitoris during sex makes orgasms feel better.

The clitoris is a highly sensitive erogenous zone, with recent research finding that it contains around 10,000 sensory nerve endings. This makes it the go-to place for stimulation for many people. If you’re looking to orgasm from the clitoris, you’re in luck, as it can be stimulated in several ways, including orally, with fingers, or with sex toys.

Vaginal orgasm

While not all people with vaginas can orgasm from stimulation of the vagina, some can. Many different pleasurable spots can be stimulated in the vagina which can lead to orgasms. Many people find stimulation of the top wall of the vagina pleasurable (sometimes referred to as the G-spot). This could be due to its proximity to the external parts of the clitoris that wrap around this section of the vagina.

If you’re looking to orgasm from the vagina, try using a G-spot sex toy that is slightly curved, as this will help reach the specific area of the vagina. You can use the toy yourself or have a partner help you.

Anal orgasm

The anus and rectum also have a host of sensory nerve endings which can make anal play feel incredibly pleasurable, leading to an orgasm. However, unlike the vagina, the anus doesn’t self-lubricate, so a lot of lubrication is needed when stimulating this area. When using sex toys to stimulate the anus, you must use toys with a flared base, as toys without one risk being lost in the rectum and could require surgical removal.

There are many ways to stimulate this area, including stimulating the outside area with a mouth, fingers, or vibrator. Or internal stimulation with anal toys, fingers, or a penis.

Other types of orgasms

  • Cervical orgasm. A cervical orgasm is reached through stimulation of the lower part of the cervix, which is located high in the vagina and separates the vagina from the uterus. If you’re looking to orgasm from the cervix, only try stimulating it once you are turned on, as stimulation of this area at other times could feel uncomfortable;
  • Nipple orgasm. Some people can orgasm through stimulation of the breasts and nipples. Researchers believe that stimulation of this area may fire up the same part of the brain that lights up during genital stimulation. Orgasms in this area can be achieved through licking, sucking, and caressing the nipple and breasts;
  • Sleep orgasm. Many people can experience orgasms in their sleep by having sexually stimulating dreams, with no stimulation of the genitals. While this is more common in people with penises, people with vaginas also experience them. While this type of orgasm is a little harder to achieve, research suggests that it is more common for people who sleep on their stomachs;
  • Birth orgasm. While uncommon, some people have reported orgasms during birth, with no direct stimulation to the genitals;
  • Coregasm. Another rare form of orgasm, a ‘coregasm’ is a form of orgasm that is experienced when working out, particularly when lifting weights or working out the core. To achieve this kind of orgasm, get to the gym and explore multiple kinds of exercises such as squats, crunches, and pull-ups.

Can you feel all of them simultaneously?

While it may be hard to feel all forms of orgasms at once, it is possible to have what is known as a blended orgasm. A blended orgasm is achieved when stimulating two or more erogenous zones simultaneously to create a more intense and pleasurable orgasm.

This can be done by getting a partner to help you, using multiple sex toys or toys that are designed to stimulate two areas at once, like a rabbit-styled vibrator.

Tips for women looking to experience an orgasm

If you’re new to self-pleasure or haven’t been able to have an orgasm in the past, there are a few steps that you can apply to help you get there.

  • Eliminate distractions. Worrying that someone may bust through the door mid-session is a big mood killer, so make sure that your door is locked, your phone is set to silent, and you create a nice and relaxing atmosphere to enjoy yourself in;
  • Stay mindful. Another big mood killer is a busy mind. With too many thoughts racing around our heads, we’re unable to listen to our bodies. When exploring pleasure within the body, a clear mind is needed to pick up on what feels good and what doesn’t. To help clear the mind, practice mindfulness or meditation regularly;
  • Use toys. The stimulations given by vibrators and other toys can feel great. If you’re having trouble trying to orgasm, try out a few different types of toys, making sure that you have one dedicated to clitoral stimulation;
  • Use lube. Wetter is definitely better when it comes to sex. Any form of sex, whether it be solo play or penetration, feels more pleasurable with lubrication. Having sex without it can cause friction and tears, which is unlikely to result in an orgasm;
  • Focus on solo play. Focusing on masturbation can help us learn exactly what our bodies like, which is essential for feeling pleasure. During solo play, keep an open mind and get curious while exploring your body.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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An explainer on the female orgasm

— How exactly does it work?

Let’s get that O.

By EVANGELINE POLYMENEAS

Many have looked far and wide in search of the elusive female orgasm. Those who have experienced one from penetrative sex have the power to congregate vulva owners everywhere to tell the tale of how they reached climax. The journey is filled with awkward moments, queefs and repetitive movement but they’ve lived to tell the tale and the rest of us want answers.

There is a myriad of myths surrounding the female orgasm and an oversaturation of misinformation. When I Googled it, millions of results appeared all promising 11 different types of female orgasms. If there are so many options, why is it so hard to get just one?

Too many of my friends answer a resounding ‘no’ to the question of whether they orgasmed during their latest sexual escapade, so I spoke to sex and pleasure coach, Clarke Rose, in an attempt to understand why.

“There is a huge orgasm gap. A lot of people with vulvas aren’t cumming,” Clarke tells me. So it’s a national pleasure emergency. Maybe we just don’t know what we’re searching for, so what is an orgasm exactly?

“An orgasm is such an expansive thing to define,” Clarke says. “I like to think of orgasms in a non-clinical sense as a high index of pleasure for anybody who’s feeling it. Technically speaking, it’s a peak of intense pleasure that sometimes creates altered states of consciousness and is usually accompanied by involuntary rhythmic contractions of the pelvic floor.”

Essentially, euphoria. That sounds all well and good, but what about the other 10 orgasms Google promised? I ask Clarke whether there are different sorts of female orgasms and the answer was not what I was expecting.

“Yes and no. Orgasm can be stimulated from different parts of your body, [for example], some people can have an orgasm from their nipples being stimulated, some from anal sex, others from penetration, but they all achieve the same orgasm. It’s not like you have a vaginal orgasm or a clitoral orgasms. They are all the same thing, they are just being stimulated from a different area.”

Clarke notes that only 30 per cent of women can trigger orgasm from internal stimulation and that percentage doesn’t differentiate between whether the penetration was accompanied by clitoral stimulation or not. She attributes this low percentage to differences in anatomy. “It’s a matter of how much your urethral sponge, which sits right about the G-spot, is sensitive and full of erectile tissue.”

Clarke says we tend to hierarchise female orgasms in ways that we don’t with male orgasms. “For a woman, people ask whether they can cum from their clit, or vagina, or whether they can have a nipple orgasm, whereas with men, no one is asking if they had a blowjob orgasm, or a penetrative orgasm – their orgasms just get to be orgasms.”

Penis owners seem to orgasm so easily, so I wondered if there was a difference between male orgasms and female orgasms. “Anatomically speaking it’s super interesting because a person who has a penis, orgasms for biological reasons,” Clarke explains. “They need to orgasm to ejaculate for the sperm to come out and make a baby.”

She goes on to explain that there is no biological need for females to orgasm. At first, this idea might seem anti-feminist, but Clarke explains that it’s actually quite interesting. “When we were foetuses, we were made up of all the same parts [as males], we [females] just develop differently. People with vulvas got this ability to orgasm because men can, which is a fantastic bonus to our sexuality without the pressure of needing to [orgasm] every time or we fail.”

Despite the lack of biological pressure to orgasm, a lot of vulva owners can’t seem to reach climax with partners but have less of a problem on their own. So what’s the barrier that’s stopping many of us from achieving the big O?

“When we are with somebody, other things come up – maybe we are a little bit self-conscious, or afraid to ask for what we want, or are too focused on our partners,” Clarke explains. “Whereas when we are on our own, we can make whatever weird face we want. A lot of women also use toys to masturbate which makes it really easy. However, when you’re with a partner and they are just using their hand or tongue, it doesn’t compare to whatever eight-speed vibrator you have at home. It can be a bit more difficult for your body and mind to recognise that as a trigger for orgasm.”

Although there are definitely micro reasons that could prevent partner orgasms, women’s orgasms have been repressed at a cultural level as well. “Our culture prioritises male anatomy and male pleasure. We all understand the anatomy of a penis, it’s so drilled into our heads, but we don’t understand the anatomy of a vulva. Historically we have repressed women’s sexuality. We want women to be receptive, polite and pleasing and not cause a big fuss,” explains Clarke.

Men have seen themselves in porn and in sex scenes in film and television ask for what they need sexually and receive it. They have heard the language required to ask, but women haven’t. It seems unnatural to ask for what we want, and Clarke says a lot of men probably don’t know how to listen without their ego getting involved.

“If you can’t orgasm and it’s really stressing you out, you’re not alone. There are a lot of women who can’t. Definitely look into seeing a sexologist or a sex coach if it’s something you want to work on,” says Clarke. The female orgasm is complex and it’s complicated, but we all deserve to reach it if we want to.

“Women put a lot of pressure on themselves to orgasm a certain way,” Clarke says. “Whether you cum with a vibrator, or by your hand, or whether you can cum on your own or with a partner – however you orgasm is valid. Period. Don’t put extra stress on yourself to cum upside down with mind stimulation – however you cum is beautiful.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Don’t believe the myth it’s more difficult to satisfy women

The Kinsey Institute reports that the average time it takes females to climax when flying solo is the same as it takes fellas: about four minutes.

By Kathy Lette

So, girls, what would you like for Christmas? I’m sure I speak for most women when I say that top of my wish list is … for all my Christmases to come at once. As if unequal pay isn’t enough to make females fume, apparently we are also suffering a pleasure gap. According to American Professor Elisabeth Lloyd’s analysis of 33 studies on sexuality, three-quarters of females don’t achieve regular vaginal orgasm. Women are also only having one orgasm for every three racked up by blokes.

And don’t believe the myth that it’s more difficult to satisfy women. The Kinsey Institute reports that the average time it takes females to climax when flying solo is the same as it takes fellas: about four minutes. The only women achieving the same Big O rate as men are lesbians. Obviously this is because women do not think that the clitoris is a beach in Crete and appreciate its function as the only part of human anatomy that exists purely for pleasure.

Women also understand that it’s impossible to have Academy Award-winning orgasms without an erotic warm-up. There’s so much emphasis on women faking orgasms, but what about men faking foreplay? Let’s face it, some blokes can fake a whole damn relationship!

And yet, while research reveals that the average woman requires at least 10 minutes of foreplay, most heterosexual encounters last between three and seven minutes. You don’t have to be Einstein to work out that this amatory calculation can’t add up.

I do all my own research in a detailed, scientific fashion – over cocktails with girlfriends – and what I’ve gleaned is that if a partner does attempt a little half-hearted foreplay, he invariably prods away at the clitoris as though it’s an elevator button and he’s running late for a meeting. It is then a woman is tempted to roll her eyes and grumble, “Just take the stairs.”

Without doubt, what hubbies call a “quickie”, most women would dismiss as premature ejaculation. Do you know the difference between a husband and a toy boy? About three hours.

Of course, mums go off sex because they’re exhausted. If men did more housework, women would have energy for other things. Oh, the orgasmic joy of being made love to by a man who has just vacuumed your entire house!

Orgasms are a lot like oxygen – no big deal unless you’re not getting any. And yet the female orgasm remains more of a mystery than the continued career success of Donald Trump. But new in-depth research (literally) has just discovered that there are three orgasmic varieties on erotic offer for us gals: a “wave”, a “volcano” or an “avalanche”.

James Pfaus, professor of neuroscience at Prague’s Charles University, explains that the names refer to pelvic floor movements during the build-up to orgasm and the release. Apparently, when the female volunteers climaxed, special sensors on their Bluetooth-connected vibrators predominantly showed one of three muscle patterns: wave-like undulations along the lower pelvic floor; an avalanche of contractions from the higher area; or a volcano eruption of exploding tension.

Orgasms are a lot like oxygen – no big deal unless you’re not getting any. And yet the female orgasm remains more of a mystery than the continued career success of Donald Trump.

For the study, 54 women were instructed to self-stimulate and then turn the vibrator off for two minutes after reaching orgasm. This exercise was then repeated over several days in their own homes, which must rate as the best homework assignment ever. (I doubt there’s been digital action like this since Proust wrote all seven volumes, longhand. Perhaps an unexpected upside was the wearing off of fingerprints, meaning they can now also commit the perfect crime?)

Anyway, to conclude this “Kama Sutra For One” experience, the volunteers were also asked to perform a control test in which they inserted the vibrator but did not stimulate themselves. Data was then analysed to reveal that nearly 50 per cent (26 women) enjoyed wave orgasms, while 17 relished avalanches and 11 delighted in volcanoes.

So boys, it’s basically now up to you to do your horizontal homework. Put in enough dedicated practice and your female partner will soon be so pleasured that when she cries out, you won’t be sure whether it’s an orgasm or a demonic possession. Should you share a post-coital cigarette or call an exorcist?

In short, if a woman is happy in bed, she’s going to want to spend a hell of a lot more time in it, with you. And it will be Oh, OH! OHHHH! What a feeling! So here’s to an intensely satisfying holiday season with a very, very happy ending.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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If Your Sex is Goal Oriented, Then Expect Emotional Distance

— Here Is Why

Goal oriented sex creates emotional distance.

By Rene’ Schooler

“Men seek sex and hope for love. Women seek love and give sex.”

Patricia sits in my office crying, hands on her face, legs crossed, tears cascading down her cheeks as she sobs about Arthurs requests for sex and how she just is not interested.

“I love my husband, I really do, and that’s why I keep giving him sex as much as I can handle and pretend to enjoy it. I know that he needs it. I know that he wants it and that he is only happy if the goal is achieved.”

“And what goal is that?” I inquire.

“For us both to climax, to orgasm.” she responds.

Going on to tell me that he feels that this is a requirement of sex and that it is her duty to make sure that he achieves orgasm and that she does as well. As we speak over the course of multiple sessions, Patricia shares with me that her husband Arthur wants sex multiple times a day, most days, or at very least once a day. That the only times that he is okay with not having sex is when one of them is horribly ill and even then, it depends on what he deems as horribly ill, a migraine or sore throat is not on the list. She goes on to tell me that he wants each time to “sizzle” and be fresh and hot, saying that he wants adventure in their sex.

Over the years, like many couples Patricia and Arthur have gone through their fair share of life challenges with raising children, being a two-income household and working long hours to make ends meet and take care of responsibilities. They have fought about all the usual things and still proclaim to be committed and in love with each other, however as time goes on in my conversations with Patricia, I see that she is committed to loving Arthur but is not in love with him. She has bitterness and resentment toward him. She feels used and unseen, but like most women who have been in Patricias shoes she consistently chooses her wisest move of staying the course and allowing Artur his needs and wants without disagreement from her. She has invested over two decades into her marriage and does not want to do anything to cause issues, especially speaking up about her anger and pain or her needs with intimacy. And so, Patricia keeps giving Arthur what he wants and pretending it is all good to keep the peace.

THE TURN OFF OF ASKING FOR SEX

Rebecca and David came to me only three years into their marriage. David was frustrated that he was always the one to initiate sex as it seemed that Rebecca was either always too tired or just uninterested.

David asked for sex frequently only to be denied just as frequently by Rebecca. As I sat with the young couple and listened to their tale, I noticed that one of the main issues was that Rebecca had lost respect for her husband, she was not desiring him because he was acting out of neediness, and she knew that she could easily control him with sex.

“I work long hard days to support our growing family and future. I think she is stunning and sexy, and I just want to get close to her. I want to feel like she wants me too. Is it too much to ask that my wife want intimacy with me a few times a week?” inquires David.

“I work a part time job and take care of our one-year-old. I am exhausted at the end of the day and David comes homes, we have dinner, put Olivia down to bed, watch a show and then he says as we get into bed, ‘Can we have sex tonight?’ — it is such a turn off. Can’t he see that I am exhausted and not into it? Why does he ask like that? It’s like a kid in a store asking his mommy for candy…’Can I have this candy? PLEEAASSEE…” Rebecca says in disgust.

David goes on to share that he would not have to ask like that if she would just initiate when she was in the mood, but from his perspective she is never in the mood anymore and Rebecca’s rebuttal comes with the pain of feeling like she is just there to be his blow up doll as she says, he takes no interest in helping her with other things in the home or time to connect and speak to her about what’s happening in her work life or struggles of being a new mom. They don’t have time or money to get away from any connection and even though they eat out a lot, they no longer date.

WOMEN NEED TIME TO GET AROUSED — MEN NEED VISUAL STIMULATION

Monica and Henry started dating six months ago. They enjoyed being together, had lots of great conversations and laughter, spoke about longer-term goals together and were both feeling like this thing may really work out. They had waited to have sex until about a month in on dating seriously and like all first-time sexual encounters they had their mishaps and Henry’s stamina was not what either of them wanted it to be. Understanding, that this is often the case on the beginning side of intimate relationships, they both had patience and enthusiasm about learning each other and getting more familiar so that their sexual energy could be hot but also longer and steady. They shared about their sexual histories with each other, what they liked and did not like, what had worked well in the past and Monica was very vocal about her needs to take sex slowly, to build up with kissing and touching.

“I have told him repeatedly that I am not a light switch! You cannot give me a little peck of a kiss, rub some lube between my legs and stick it in and expect a miracle to happen.” she says in anger, going on to share, “it actually hurts me physically when he does that. Then he thinks that by slamming into me harder and faster that that is the trick. He pushes away from me, so he can watch my body, watch himself penetrating me, like it’s some live porn just for him, he grabs my breasts roughly and if I try and do anything he tells me to stop. He just really wants me to lay there and take it and somehow, he thinks that I am going to orgasm from this?”

Henry with eyes wide, “I had no clue. I thought she was liking it. The issue is that she takes so damn long to have an orgasm. I try everything and she won’t cum. I have never been with a woman like her before with these challenges.”

“How long do you two focus on foreplay typically and how long does your sexing last in total?” I inquire.

Monica rolls her eyes while Henry answers,” Foreplay maybe five to ten minutes and the same for the actual sex.”

“Are you aware that it takes a woman 20–40 minutes of foreplay, that’s kissing, touching, snuggling, oral sex, feeling loved and cared for physically to be ready for actual physical penetration? Without this her body takes physical damage. The lining of her vaginal walls can easily tear, she does not have adequate blood flow to her vagina, her clit, and her cervix is not soft and flexible. This is just the physical aspects. If we look at hormone response no healthy chemicals have dropped down to trigger arousal yet, and her emotional response is most likely armored as she is still thinking about everything else and also fearful that she won’t get the time to drop down into her body and connect to herself or you.”

THREE SEPARATE COUPLES TALES- ONE ISSUE

These three couples have all been together for different time frames. They have different levels of bonding with each other, and they all have their own unique wants in sexual relationship, however the common agendas you may see are:

  • Men focusing on a goal of orgasm through speed, action and frequency
  • Women focusing on intimate connection, slowing down, touch, laughter, courting and then letting that lead to orgasm potential

Men wonder why women have issues getting aroused after the honeymoon phase of the relationship ends, and that can be anywhere from six to eighteen months into a serious relationship where the new relationship energy (NRE) starts to wear off. The culprit is pretty simple:

    Men stop courting, stop romancing, stop applying themselves. They stop hunting the woman and connecting to her emotionally and mentally. They may stop doing all the things that they were doing even for themselves to make themselves more desirable or to feel confident and strong. In other words, men capture what they are going after and then turn their attention to the next hunt, which is not their woman any longer. This happens because men feel settled in the relationship and since men are linearly focused and compartmentalize everything, they believe that they can now change focus and the relationship will just maintain itself.
  • Women lose interest a lot quicker than men do it is shown in studies, but women once committed will stay the course of the relationship and put attention to building a family, a home or their career and forfeit the depth of intimacy or sexual arousal for the sake of security and to be cared for with a man. Women seek out love and security and they give sex to gain these things. As much as a woman desires orgasms and sexual pleasure, just like men do, women will disregard them and accept not having them to assure stability and overall relationship peace. When a woman is not being hunted by her mate any longer, when her mate stops trying to impress her with his strength, intelligence, manliness you could say, her desire and arousal dwindle. When she is not being courted and romanced, her sexual desire is limited and often will be buried for years without notice.
  • Women lie to their men about orgasm. Why? In studies it has been revealed that over 80% of coupled women do not have orgasms in their sex with their partner. The vast majority of women in the world understand that men believe that a few moans, some nails on the back, some laughter and deep breathing or hip rotating are signs of a woman having a “real O” and so they make use of this to make their man feel accomplished and then they take care of themselves when alone. It is again all about keeping the peace in the mind of the woman. Women know that they need time and attention to achieve the result their mate wants for them but is not willing to slow down and give, and so they train their man to believe that they only need five to fifteen minutes, no foreplay, no courting or romance.
  • Men have a tough time accepting, believing or even understanding that their sex is polar opposite from their female partner’s sex. Nature made us opposites in how we function, think, view the world, open to pleasure, emotionalize things and most certainly to our needs and wants sexually. For men sex happens outside of the body and is stimulated through visual stimuli, touch, sound, smell. It is an act that he can witness and feel control around. For women sex happens inside her body, she must allow and open up her body to her partner and trust that she will not be harmed. For her to feel him at all she must exit her mind and enter her heart allowing him in there as well with trust. A woman is stimulated through her mind and heart which causes an emotional response which leads her to her body.

Over and over again, I meet couples like these three I share here today with you and what I see is that disconnect and the expectation on both sides. I see the lack of integrity from the women out of fear of abandonment and hurting their partners ego’s. I see the men fearful of sinking in and letting themselves feel their hearts and become emotional with their woman out of fear that they will not have the stamina of even five minutes, so in turn they want their woman to sex like a man. I tell you though, this will never be. There are women out there that will argue these words and say that they are good with the quickie, that they don’t like or want foreplay or even courting. They will proclaim that they always have an orgasm. And some are being truthful, but the majority are hiding their pain because they are trying to live up to the new standard where women are to be men in all aspects of their lives: Including their sex.

And to this I say, how sad our world has become.

How doomed our intimate relationships are.

We claim to want connection.

To be loved and to love.

We say that we want integrity, intimacy and happiness.

And we have been brainwashed into believing that we can achieve these things with limited time, focus, dedication or commitment. That they will not and should not require us to go deeper within ourselves. Nor should we have to work at earning the trust of others’ vulnerability and we most certainly should not have to keep up the hunt, do the maintenance and ongoing work of having what we say we want and keeping it.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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New theory suggests female orgasms are an evolutionary leftover

Having bad sex? Don’t blame yourself or your partner—blame evolution

Not switching off

By Elizabeth Pennisi

Billy Crystal may have been shocked when Meg Ryan so effectively—and amusingly—faked an orgasm in a restaurant during the 1989 movie When Harry Met Sally, but surveys suggest only one-third of women are regularly fully aroused during intercourse. And although poor partner performance, psychological issues, or physiological shortfalls are often cited as the reason, two evolutionary biologists now offer a provocative new explanation. In a paper published today, they argue that female orgasm is an evolutionary holdover from an ancient system, seen in some other mammals, in which intercourse stimulated important hormonal surges that drive ovulation.

Humans and other primates don’t need intercourse to trigger ovulation—they evolved to a point where it happens on its own—but the hormonal changes accompanying intercourse persist and fuel the orgasms that make sex more enjoyable, the biologists hypothesize. And because those hormonal surges no longer confer a biological advantage, orgasms during intercourse may be lost in some women. This explanation “takes away a lot of stigma” of underwhelming sexual relations, says one of the authors, Mihaela Pavlićev, of Cincinnati Children’s Hospital in Ohio.

The new work addresses what David Puts, a biological anthropologist at Pennsylvania State University, University Park, calls “one of the most contentious questions in the study of the evolution of human sexuality: whether women’s orgasm has an evolutionary function.” There are more than a dozen theories about the evolution of orgasms, most proposed decades or more ago. They include arguments that women have orgasms because their reproductive machinery has the same origins as those of men, who need to have orgasms to ejaculate sperm. Others think orgasms are an evolutionary novelty that persists because it helps foster loyal partners. Some have proposed that female orgasms induce physiological changes that increase the chances of conception, but there’s no strong evidence that women who have more have increased fecundity.

Orgasm itself may have no evolutionary function, but it is derived from a key part of the reproductive cycle, Pavlićev and her colleague propose today in the Journal of Experimental Zoology Part B: Molecular and Developmental Evolution. Pavlićev didn’t start out studying orgasms. To better understand the evolution of reproduction, she was compiling data on the ovarian cycle in different mammal species. During this cycle, cells destined to become eggs mature, escape from the ovary, and travel down the reproductive tract. She discovered that in some species, environmental factors control egg maturation and subsequent ovulation; in others, such as rabbits, sexual intercourse with a male or even just his presence causes the release of the egg. In either case, a series of changes involving the hormones oxytocin and prolactin are triggered that cause the egg to mature and migrate. In humans and other primates, the ovulatory cycle has become spontaneous, generally on a set schedule that requires neither an environmental trigger nor a male. Pavlićev then realized that women still undergo the same hormonal changes as species with induced ovulation, but during orgasm.

To see whether induced ovulation was the evolutionary predecessor of orgasms—in a similar way that fins were ancestral to limbs—she and Günter Wagner, an evolutionary biologist from Yale University, first needed to see whether induced ovulation predated spontaneous ovulation in evolutionary history. Their literature search showed that environmental- and male-induced ovulation are found in earlier evolving mammals and spontaneous ovulation appears in later species, including our own. They also noticed another change. In earlier mammals, the clitoris, which is so often key to a woman’s orgasm, tends to be part of the vagina—guaranteeing that intercourse stimulated this organ and kick-started ovulation. But in later arising species, particularly primates, the clitoris has moved ever farther away from the vagina, even out of reach of an inserted penis. “A shift in the position of the clitoris is correlated with the loss of intercourse-induced ovulation,” says Martin Cohn, an evolutionary developmental biologist at the University of Florida in Gainesville. “Their hypothesis shifts the focus of the research question from the evolutionary origin of orgasm as an evolutionary novelty, which has long been presumed but not demonstrated, to the evolutionary modification of an ancestral character.”

Pavlićev and Wagner’s theory helps explain why female orgasms during intercourse are relatively rare. “It is new to use [this] innovative, Darwinian approach to understand one of the mysteries of human sexuality—why the male orgasm is warranted, easy-to-reach, and strictly related to reproduction and the female counterpart [is] absolutely not,” says Emmanuele Jannini, an endocrinologist at University of Rome Tor Vergata. The nonnecessity of orgasms for reproduction may also explain why women’s reproductive tracts vary a lot more than men’s—there are fewer constraints, he adds.

Jannini and others point out, however, that this theory needs more confirmation. So far, it deals only with the parallels between the hormonal surges in females during male-induced ovulation and orgasm, but has not looked to see whether there are also parallels in the neurological components of these activities, says Elisabeth Lloyd, a philosopher of science at Indiana University, Bloomington, who was not involved with this work. And because it’s so difficult to assess whether other mammals feel the pleasure associated with orgasms, the work can only ever address the evolution of some of the components of female orgasm, Puts notes.

Others more strongly criticized the new explanation. Two behavioral neuroendocrinologists, Michael Baum from Boston University and Kim Wallen from Emory University in Atlanta, tell Science that Pavlićev and Wagner misinterpret some previously published results and do not have the details about the hormonal changes during ovulation and orgasm correct. “Their hypothesis remains a good hypothesis,” Wallen says. “But I’m not very convinced by the data they marshal.”

Lloyd says the work drives home how much more we need to learn about female sexuality in other organisms. Wagner and Pavlićev concede that more data are needed to firm up their theory, though for now they have no plans to follow up themselves. Cohn predicts others will pick up the baton. “Pavlićev and Wagner have taken a fascinating, creative, and thoughtful approach to a problem that has been investigated by many but resolved by few,” he says. “I suspect that many investigators will be stimulated to further test the hypotheses raised in this paper.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Oh Cum On

— Why Are Men Having More Orgasms Than Women in Heterosexual Relationships?

By Nicole Andrejek

Sex researchers consistently find that men are having far more orgasms than women when it comes to heterosexual sexual encounters.

This is called the gender gap in orgasms, or the orgasm gap. There are many myths and assumptions about why women orgasm less. Some of the more popular ones are that women take too much time to reach orgasm, women don’t actually care about having an orgasm, that getting a woman to orgasm takes more work and they’re harder to please.

But are women’s orgasms really too much work and, if not, why is this belief so prevalent?

Insights from the ‘Sex in Canada’ project

I recently published a study alongside sociologists Tina Fetner and Melanie Heath that questions these assumptions about women’s ability and desire to orgasm.

We used data from our nationally representative Sex in Canada survey to establish that there is a gender gap in orgasms — 86 per cent of cisgender men reported having an orgasm in their most recent heterosexual sexual encounter, compared to 62 per cent of cisgender women.

What reduced the gap among our sample? Oral sex.

The notion that women generally require some form of clitoral stimulation in order to reach orgasm has been documented by a number of sexualities researchers, but what’s unclear is why the gap persists despite knowing the importance of clitoral stimulation for women.

To understand this discrepancy, we conducted in-depth interviews with adult men and women across Canada to examine the underlying beliefs and feelings that deters couples from engaging in the types of sexual activities that would make it more likely for women to reach orgasm.

The role of gender essentialism

One of the reigning myths that helps maintain the orgasm gap is that there are inherent gender differences for why men and women have sex. Women are expected to inherently desire emotional connection and men are expected to inherently need physical release.

So feeling emotionally connected to one’s partner and whether women orgasm become mutually exclusive. This way of thinking isn’t new or isolated to the bedroom.

These explanations are what social scientists call “gender essentialism” — the belief that there are natural, biological and physical differences between men and women.

Gender essentialist beliefs have been used to justify a variety of gender inequalities, for example, those that attempt to solidify traditional gender distinctions that women belong in the home and men belong in workforce.

If we took essentialist beliefs at face value, it would seem that women simply don’t want to orgasm since they require emotional connection over sexual pleasure. But is it really the case that women don’t want to orgasm during partnered sex with men?

Our research suggests that these beliefs about women’s orgasms have less to do with women’s inherent inability or lack of desire to orgasm, and more to do with the way gender norms shape and limit expectations.

The role of heteronormativity

The orgasm gap is not just about gender, it’s also about heteronormativity. Our participants defined “regular sex” as penile-vaginal intercourse. This definition means that our participants see sex as being centred on stimulation of the penis, rather than the clitoris.

Our study shows that heteronormative conception of “regular sex” results in other sexual practices that prioritize clitoral stimulation — like oral sex — as alternative sexual practices to the main event.

It also means that other sexual practices feel like extra work, separate, time-consuming and challenging, despite supporting women’s likelihood of achieving orgasm.

Bad feelings about potentially great sex for women

A consequence of the belief that sex is about “emotional connection” for women, and defining what it means to “have sex” as penile-vaginal intercourse, is that it limits the types of sexual practices women engage in, and these beliefs shape the feelings women have about other types of sexual practices.

For instance, some of our participants described other sexual practices, especially oral sex, as unnatural, bad or dirty.

As succinctly exemplified by our participant, Kathy: “I don’t do oral sex. It can be very pleasurable, but it feels wrong, it just makes me feel dirty.”

Women’s bad feelings about engaging in the types of sex that might bring them more physical pleasure shows the strength of the sexual double standard in which women are judged more harshly than men and taught to self-regulate their sexual desires and behaviours.

Putting sex on the agenda for gender equality

Beliefs about women’s bodies, what women want from sex and what it means to have sex in the first place all help justify why women aren’t reaching orgasm when having sex with men.

Fights for gender equality have tackled and refuted many gender essentialist beliefs, and yet the longstanding orgasm gap shows how gender essentialist beliefs still have a strong hold on the domain of heterosexual sexual encounters.

The orgasm gap highlights the ways in which gender inequality emerges even in the most seemingly private and personal encounters in heterosexual relationships.

Like other gender gaps, it is important to continue pushing past individual explanations and understand the gender gap in orgasms as a form of gender inequality.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Faking Your Orgasms Is Messing With Your Relationship

— Here’s How

By Aliyah Moore, Ph.D.

“Did you orgasm?”

Many of us have been hit with that awkward question, and I’ll admit that I’ve found it easier to just say yes sometimes. Having an uncomfortable conversation about my sexual satisfaction isn’t how I want to end most nights.

Eventually, I found it easier to just pretend, and my partners stopped asking. These little white lies seemed harmless at first, but the lack of communication was hurting my sex life, and my less-than-ideal sex life was tanking my relationships.

And I know I’m not alone here: One 2019 study found well over half of women have faked an orgasm at least once before.

Why fake an orgasm?

It’s no secret that society hasn’t always valued female pleasure, but why do women feel the need to pretend instead of being honest about their sexual experience?

The aforementioned study found that 59% of women had faked orgasms, and 55% said they wanted to talk about sex with their partner but decided not to. Here are some common reasons why:

  • 42% said they didn’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings. 
  • 40% weren’t comfortable going into detail. 
  • 38% were embarrassed. 

I’ve also had clients and friends confess that failing to orgasm led to a conversation that felt like a chore. One client had started antidepressants – which can make it difficult to have an orgasm – and couldn’t consistently achieve orgasm for the first couple of months. This upset her boyfriend, who insisted on trying to solve the “problem,” even though she said she was enjoying her sex life. Eventually, she started faking orgasms so she wouldn’t have to talk about it. Her partner wanted to communicate, but he wasn’t listening to the fact that she was sexually satisfied without orgasms as she got used to her medication.

Our partners (men especially) sometimes stake their egos on our sexual satisfaction. We know this, so we often fake it to avoid making them feel like sexual failures. In other cases, our partners simply don’t care whether or not we orgasm or don’t consider it at all, and it’s easier to fake it since they won’t listen to our suggestions.

Perhaps the most frustrating reason is that our partners simply don’t understand our orgasms. It’s not any more difficult for a woman to orgasm than a man, but it usually takes more than vaginal intercourse.

No two women are the same either. Several of my female partners have had to help me help them cum, and vice versa. Sometimes it just feels easier to fake it than to try and explain your unique sexual sensations to another person.

Why you need to stop faking orgasms.

If you “fake it ‘til you make it” … you’ll never make it.

Faking orgasms is a slippery slope that never leads to a positive outcome. Even in one-night stands (unless you fear for your safety), it doesn’t help either of you to fake an orgasm.

Why?

1. You’re committing to lackluster sex.

By faking orgasms, you’re conditioning your partner to be sexually incompatible with you. If you act pleased with what they’re doing, why would they change?

2. You’re associating your partner with sexual dissatisfaction.

You may not think it’s important at the moment, but our experiences with people sink into our subconscious minds. As you associate your partner with dissatisfaction, you’ll steadily begin to feel more distant, and it will be even more difficult to enjoy sex. Even worse, it can disconnect your mind from your sensations, making it harder to orgasm in general.

3. It’s a form of lying.

It may seem harmless, but ask yourself: why don’t you trust your partner with this conversation? Why aren’t you comfortable with this conversation? Plus, your partner might already know you’re faking orgasms and be bottling up their own dissatisfaction.

4. It’ll be hard to change things down the road.

Like any lie, it’s hard to dig yourself out of. Once you decide to ask them to change their sexual behaviors, they’ll begin to wonder if they’ve been satisfying you up to that point.

5. It builds the expectation of an orgasm every time, which isn’t always realistic.

We need to normalize the fact that, regardless of gender, not all people will orgasm during sex every time. It could be anxiety, stress, physical ailment, medication, or any number of reasons that prevent an orgasm. On occasion, this is normal, and we shouldn’t be treating it like a sexual failure on either side.

6. It may signal a larger issue in the relationship.

As a sex therapist, I say this every chance I get. If you don’t feel safe expressing discomfort or displeasure during sex, then your relationship is not healthy, and you need to get out. Even if you believe it will lead to an argument, defensiveness, or verbal abuse – run. 

Sex isn’t “just sex.” It’s an intimate part of your relationship that carries as much weight as any other part. If your sex life isn’t healthy, then your relationship isn’t healthy. Before we get into fixing your sex life, it’s important to make sure that you have a partner who’s open to communication and cares about your satisfaction and well-being. 

For example, I had a client who never orgasmed with her partner because he refused to let her be on top. He simply didn’t like it, felt it was emasculating, and didn’t care whether or not she was satisfied. She faked orgasms to placate him, but it wouldn’t have mattered either way. The relationship was toxic, and having better sex wasn’t going to fix it.

As we start to talk about coming clean, the assumption is that your partner cares about you, treats you as an equal, and is willing to listen and communicate.

How to come clean.

If you’re deep in the faker game, it can feel near-impossible to stop. The best way to bring authenticity back to your sex life is to try a solution that’s proportionate to the problem. This means bringing back honest sex in the same measure that you let it go.

If you’ve only faked a few orgasms:

It’s best to just let the cat out of the bag. Try not to surprise your partner with this information during sex; rather, let them know you want to talk about it and set aside time.

It will likely be an uncomfortable conversation, but it clears the air and sets an honest tone for sex afterward. Explain what you do like about having sex with them, what you don’t like, and what you would like to add.

Ask them how they’re feeling about sex too. Are they enjoying it? Do they want to try different things?

If you’ve been faking it for a long time:

Try gradually changing the tone of your sex life. Let your partner know you want to communicate more. Don’t be afraid to stop during sex and switch positions, ask your partner to do something, or use toys.

What needs to change:

Maybe you’re unsure how to reach orgasm together and need to do a little research – which is also a great tactic if you feel like your partner is unsatisfied. Ultimately, you and your partner will feel better when you like what each other likes.

It’s also important to set expectations. Many of us don’t orgasm from internal stimulation, but our partners can’t know that unless we tell them. There are also times when one of you won’t be able to orgasm, but still want to have sex. It’s okay to tell your partner this.

However, if you’re rarely or never able to reach orgasm, that may be indicative of a larger problem, and you may need to talk with a doctor or experiment with other forms of stimulation.

The takeaway.

You have the right to be satisfied.

While it can sometimes feel easier to fake an orgasm, you’re not doing yourself or your partner any favors. You have just as much right to sexual satisfaction as your partner, and they deserve a fair shot at pleasing you.

We fake orgasms to keep other people happy because society tells us their happiness is more important than our sexuality, but it isn’t. Never cheat yourself of a healthy sex life just because someone else wants you to smile and look happy. 

It’s never too late to start talking about sex openly and honestly, and it’s never a bad thing to try.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Anorgasmia

— The reason why you find it difficult to orgasm

Understanding why you find it difficult to orgasm is key to finding a solution.

By Ashley Jones

TV shows especially romcoms make it look like orgasm is a given for everyone who engages in sex. But for a lot of people, reaching the peak of sexual pleasure is not an experience they often get during intercourse. If you have difficulty climaxing regardless of how much sexual stimulation you get, you might have a condition called anorgasmia.

What is anorgasmia?

It is a well established fact that the frequency and intensity of orgasms vary from one person to the other, so is the type of stimulation needed to get people off. According to Mayo Clinic, anorgasmia may be responsible for some people, especially women, not having orgasm during sex.

Anorgasmia is delayed, infrequent or absent orgasms — or significantly less-intense orgasms — after sexual arousal and adequate sexual stimulation. Women who have problems with orgasms and who feel significant distress about those problems may be diagnosed with anorgasmia.

The emphasis here is on the word ‘distress’. So, for a diagnosis of anorgasmia to be made, a person who is unable to orgasm may also exhibit feelings of frustration, self-doubt, shame, inadequacy and anger, according to Healthline.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5th Edition (DSM-5), states that people can be diagnosed with anorgasmia if they experience significant ‘delay in, infrequency of, or absence of orgasm’ during at least 75% of sexual intercourse for a minimum of six months. Certified sex therapist Diana Urman, Ph.D. explains:

…generally speaking, any difficulties with achieving orgasm over a short or extended period of time can be called anorgasmia without having a medical professional to diagnose it.

Without seeking medical examination, you can tell if you have the condition based on these factors listed in an article on MindBodyGreen:

  • Consider whether you’ve ever had an orgasm: If you orgasm during certain situations like masturbation, oral sex or sex with other partners, then an absence of an orgasm could be situational.
  • Consider the breadth of your sexual experiences: what form of stimulation do you require, what positions do you find enjoyable, what type of sex gets you off (rough, sensual or tantric sex)?

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How I’m Unlearning My Shame About Sex

— One Orgasm At A Time

By Carli Whitwell

I don’t remember the first time I felt tingles “down there.” It may have been watching Marlena and John hooking up on Days of Our Lives, which my mom and I tuned into every afternoon after she picked me up from kindergarten. It may have been when I snuck a glimpse at the sexy scenes in one of the Danielle Steel novels stacked on her nightstand next to her glasses and hand lotion. It may have been making my Barbies kiss and rub their plastic pelvises together.

But I do remember the first time I told someone about that strange, definitely not unpleasant feeling beneath my belly button. I was five or six and at a family barbecue when I confided to my aunt and my mom that watching people kissing made my vagina feel funny. My aunt joked that my parents would have to keep an eye on me as I got older and my mom hugged me and laughed in that confusing way that adults do. All I could think was: Is there something wrong with those little pulses? And: I better not talk about them to anyone ever again.

That feeling, I know now, was shame. So many of us have been taught to feel this way about sex. Society’s moralizing of sexual pleasure has a way of sticking with you, even when you don’t realize you’re taking it in. Which we do, all the time — at home, at school, on our screens, in a bar, on the subway. And I say this recognizing the inherent privilege of my sexual coming of age: I’m a cis straight white woman. Anyone who exists outside the arbitrary lines of sexuality that have been drawn for us is likely to question themselves that much more. Unlearning that shame — where it comes from, where you’re holding it tightly inside you — can take a lifetime.

I wanted to embrace those tingles. In high school, like most teens, I was hornier than a Sally Rooney novel. I spent a lot of time “reading” dirty novels while pretending, like the rest of my friends, that masturbation was gross and something only boys did. I definitely wasn’t saving myself (my parents were pretty liberal despite their own sexual hangups) and yet my sex life was nonexistent. I didn’t have my first kiss until I was 17. I lost my virginity at 23. I can’t say if my reticence was entirely a result of my feelings of shame around sex (I was also struggling with a pretty intense, undiagnosed anxiety disorder in my teens) but I know that I wanted to and wished to be intimate with someone, and something was holding me back.

I didn’t want to be the girl who gave it up; I felt that I should be in love and in a relationship to enjoy sexual pleasure. I had the stifling notion that my sexual awakening should live up to something I’d read about or watched or seen play out in the cafeteria. When I did start having sex, it was fun, sure, but often I had trouble climaxing; sometimes I still struggle with it. My orgasms have always been private, done alone and under the covers. For a long time, letting go in front of someone else felt impossible. Nice girls don’t (publicly) enjoy sex, after all.

As a former health editor I’ve read and written a ton about sex and pleasure and, ever an A+ student, I’ve tried to apply everything I’ve soaked up to my hesitancies around pleasure. My biggest breakthrough came a few years ago when I went to see a sex therapist for a one-time session. I remember the sense of relief when she reaffirmed that everything I was feeling was normal. She also reminded me that retraining the way our brain functions around anxiety and sex and shame takes time and work. Just hearing that was enough to lighten some of the pressure I’d been carrying around for years.

Now, I’m learning to find pleasure from sex from start to finish. I know what will get me off and what definitely won’t (stop spending so much time on my damn nipples!). Most importantly, I’m not afraid or embarrassed to kick my partner out of the room, close the door and take matters into my own hands.

I’m trying to be kind to my eight-year-old self and I’ve been watching other people celebrate this agency too. Even TikTok has made me feel less alone, (armrest of the couch meme, anyone?) hearing from others who have experienced the same things and are also muddling their way through, one baby step at a time, sometimes taking a step forward, sometimes taking two steps back.

After all, we are all works in progress and that’s okay too. When my parents moved out of my childhood home recently, I came to help them and my father and I were packing up my bookshelf and found the stack of dirty books I’d hidden behind my French textbooks and Harry Potter collection. I resisted the urge to run from the room and find a new identity. Instead I paused and said calmly: “It’s natural.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to have a blended orgasm

BY Grace Baldwin

Double the fun.

The first vibrator I ever owned was bought for me by my best friend. Still living at home, the idea of my parents intercepting the delivery of my sexy online package made me want to shrivel up and claim a life as a hermit. Truth be told, they wouldn’t have cared – but all the same, it was an awkward moment I was eager to avoid if I could.

So, my best friend ordered me the Womanizer Starlet and discreetly handed it over when we met for a walk. The whole deal felt very illicit and adult, but also paradoxically childish – meeting in the park to pick up a sex toy I didn’t want my parents to know about.

It’s safe to say from that point, I very quickly learned new things about my body and what it was capable of. My standards of sexual satisfaction increased dramatically, and to this day I’ve recommended the Starlet to many of my friends.

Further down the track, I heard about the blended orgasm and was instantly intrigued. I’d read about them on the sexologist Chantelle Otten’s Instagram and had some questions – I also wanted to get in on the fun. I turned to Christine Rafe, sexual wellness expert for Womanizer, to help me achieve the sacred blended orgasm.

What even is a blended orgasm?

“When we use the term ‘blended orgasm’, we’re usually talking about both external clitoral stimulation and internal vaginal stimulation that results in an orgasm,” Christine explains.

“But really, a blended orgasm can be anything that’s using more than one source of stimulation. So, that could be nipple and clitoris, it could be penis and anus – basically, it’s an orgasm that happens while stimulation is occurring in more than one place.”

How should I prepare if I want to have a blended orgasm?

“If you haven’t had an orgasm before – let alone a blended orgasm – I usually suggest doing some solo play… when you’re on your own you can remove the mental blockers and barriers that might exist [when] another person is involved,” she tells me.

“We can get stressed about the superficial things, like how we look, or what noises we make, or the positions we’re in. When you’re alone, you can really get in tune with your body and your physical sensations… being present with your body is really key in having any type of orgasm.”

How do I have one – either on my own or with a partner?

Christine told me the best option for people wanting to hit up some solo play time is a dual-stimulation vibrator, like the Womanizer Duo or the We-Vibe Nova 2.

“Any toy that pleasures you both externally and internally is typically a safe bet, like something with a clitoral suction as well as a vibrator that presses against the G-spot. Alternatively, you might want to use a dildo or an internal vibrator and use your hands on the clitoris,” Christine says.

She said whether you’re alone or with a partner, it’s important to slow it down. “Try massages or some teasing – this could also include alternating between the erogenous zones before focusing on the ones you want to stimulate for orgasm.”

How do I know if I’ve actually had a blended orgasm rather than a clitoral one?

Most people find it easier to have an external clitoral orgasm rather than an internal one, Christine explains to me. Usually, it’s because we’re not aroused enough – which can make it hard to access internal sensitivity.

“Orgasm is such a unique experience from person to person, so it’s difficult to describe exactly how it feels. However, there are ways to make achieving that dual orgasm more likely.”

Slow it down!

“The most important thing is to really get warmed up first [rather than] just grabbing the vibrator straight away,” Christine advises. “If you orgasm easily, slow down and take your time to make sure your whole body is relaxed and in the mood. That way, you can follow your own pleasure without over-stimulating yourself too quickly.”

Christine recommends trying internal stimulation alone before adding the clitoral stimulation to get an idea of how it feels. “Most vulva owners can have a clitoral orgasm without being turned on beforehand. But with internal stimulation, the whole clitoris – meaning the legs in the wishbone shape of the clitoris – need to be engorged and aroused in order to have an internal orgasm,” she says. “The best thing you can do is slow down, rather than rush to get to the orgasm.”

Can people with penises have blended orgasms?

According to Christine, absolutely. “The most typical dual orgasm for a penis owner would be penis and anus. They have a whole heap of nerve endings on the tip of the penis, but there is also the entire male G-spot – the prostate. This is accessed through internal stimulation of the anus.”

She added that in some ways, accessing a blended orgasm is actually easier for a person with a penis than a vulva owner. “Physiologically, it takes longer to warm up a clitoris than it does to warm up a penis and the prostate. It can enlarge or become more sensitive if you’re really aroused, but the prostate has nerve endings that you can access whether you’re aroused or not.”

Any other tips?

Christine said beyond concentrating on the physical side of orgasm, the mindset is crucial. “People getting stressed or in their head about [orgasming] is predominantly where you see issues,” she says.

“It’s usually because there’s a lot of focus on getting there… the more we focus on it, the less likely it is to happen. Follow your pleasure cues in the moment and consider, ‘What can I do to make this feel better?’ rather than ‘Am I there yet?’.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The 10 types of orgasms people with vulvas can have

by Nikki Thorburn

The different types and how to experience them.

As you’re probably aware, orgasms feel amazing. You’ve probably got your spots, positions, strokes, touches and caresses that you know will get you there; to the pinnacle, to the peak.

But what if there was a whole horizon you hadn’t yet explored? What if there were orgasms you didn’t realise your body was capable of?

What is an orgasm?

Before we begin, let’s be clear about what we’re talking about when we say ‘orgasm’. Dr Sheryl A Ross, an obstetrician and gynaecologist, describes an orgasm as a “physical reflex that occurs when muscles tighten during sexual arousal and then relax through a series of rhythmic contractions”.

Many orgasms centre on the vagina only, while others induce that profound intensity in places you’d never considered as erogenous zones. Research suggests that physiologically speaking, all orgasms trigger the same physical experience, no matter what ‘type’ we’re talking about.

As well as this physical experience, orgasms provide an emotional release and even lead to altered states of consciousness. They increase dopamine, oxytocin, norepinephrine, and testosterone levels which “improve our moods and cognition, and diminish anxiety and stress responses”, says Monica Grover, an obstetrician and gynaecologist at New York’s VSpot. Let’s take a closer look at 10 different kinds of orgasms and how people with vulvas can experience them.

Clitoral orgasm

The clitoral orgasm is caused by stimulation of the clitoris, which is known as the pleasure centre of the vulva seated at the top of the vaginal opening. It’s densely packed with nerve endings, (like the penis) but unlike the penis, it doesn’t play a central role in reproduction – it’s just there to make you feel good!

How to have a clitoral orgasm

Stimulating the external part of the clitoris with a finger, tongue, or vibrator is the way to achieve a clitoral orgasm. Sex therapist Janet Wolfe suggests going solo at first, as masturbation allows you to explore what works for you, and then better direct your sexual partner.

G-spot orgasm

You’ve probably heard of the elusive G-spot and its potential in providing you with an earth-shattering vaginal orgasm. The confusing thing about the G-spot we need to be clear about is this – it’s not a distinct part of your anatomy, but rather it’s part of your clitoral network (basically, when you’re stimulating the G-spot, you’re stimulating part of the clitoris).

Researchers say the G-spot may be located on the front wall of the vagina but it varies a lot from woman to woman which explains why it’s so difficult to locate. Once stimulated though, it can cause female ejaculation and that earth-shattering vaginal orgasm we’ve all dreamt of.

How to have a G-spot orgasm

Finding the G-spot can be difficult so experts encourage discovery through self-exploration first. Begin by massaging the opening of your vagina before inserting your fingers or a sex toy and lifting either fingers or the sex toy upward towards your belly button in a ‘come hither’ motion.

Sex therapist Dr Wendasha Jenkins-Hall emphasises that there’s no ‘button’ you’re trying to reach, but rather it’s about being open and curious as to what feels good for you and your body in that area.

Exercise-induced orgasm or ‘coregasm’

Yes, this is real and yes, it’s an orgasm caused by exercise, particularly weight training, cardio and abdominal-focused exercise. Suddenly that gym membership sounds a whole lot more appealing, huh?

Described as ‘less intense’ but still pleasurable by those who’ve experienced it, it happens as a result of contracting the pelvic floor muscles when you engage your muscles to stabilise the core. The sensation will mostly be felt in the lower abdominals, inner thighs, or pelvis.

How to have a coregasm

While experts have suggested that coregasms often happen by accident, there are certain things you can do to increase your likelihood of having one. Using mindfulness to bring awareness to your body during exercise can increase your chances of having a coregasm during a workout.

Focusing your workout on strengthening the core and incorporating Kegel exercises can also greatly increase your chances, as well as doing 20 to 30 minutes of cardio at the start of your workout which can lead to greater sexual arousal.

Sleep orgasm

You’ve probably all had a sensual dream before but did you know that it’s possible to have an orgasm while sleeping? Yep, a full-blown orgasm while you’re not even awake.

Experts suggest that sleep orgasms start with an erotic dream which causes deep relaxation and increased blood flow to the genitals which increases psychogenic arousal. According to scientific research, around 37 per cent of women will experience sleep orgasms by the age of 45.

How to have a sleep orgasm

Experts have suggested that sleeping on your stomach can lead to a greater chance of achieving a sleep orgasm. This position of sleeping triggers more clitoral stimulation and is associated with an increase in vivid dreams.

Going to bed thinking about sex and sexual fantasies has also been suggested as a way to increase your chances as well as touching your nipples before bed to increase arousal.

The blended orgasm

If one orgasm wasn’t enough then how about double the pleasure with a blended orgasm? This happens when the clitoral and vaginal orgasm occurs simultaneously, through vaginal penetration and stimulation of the external glans of the clitoris. It’s been known to last from one to 15 minutes, climaxing in what researchers have called, a ‘giant’ orgasm.

How to have a blended orgasm

Dr Jane Greer, a New York-based marriage and sex therapist suggests that the woman-on-top position can be a great way to achieve blended orgasms as the woman is able to be in full control of the spots receiving attention. The missionary position can also be effective for a blended orgasm because the woman’s clitoris is also being rubbed through penetration.

The skin orgasm

Ever had that feeling of getting ‘goosebumps’ or ‘chills’ while listening to your favourite song or piece of music? Well, you’ve probably experienced a skin orgasm or a ‘frisson’. A study published in the journal Frontiers in Psychology describes a ‘frisson’ as “a musically induced effect associated with a pleasant tingling feeling”.

Researchers believe that these sensations are caused by sudden or unexpected changes in the music – key changes, unexpected harmonies and peaks in loudness and they aren’t localised to any one region of the body.

How to have a skin orgasm

Classical music in particular is specifically linked to this phenomenon, however, researchers suggest that you are far more likely to have physical reactions to music that’s familiar to you. So, what we suggest – find a quiet space where you won’t be disturbed, get those headphones out, press play on your favourite song and let the skin titillation begin.

Anal orgasm

Now while anal may not be everyone’s go-to position, in folks with vaginas, the anus and rectum’s close proximity to the nerve-dense pelvic floor area and internal clitoris, can lead to what experts describe as a pretty amazing orgasm.

The anal penetration stimulates the A-spot in the vagina, which is located about five or six inches inside the vagina and is particularly nerve dense, which heightens the intensity of the anal orgasm.

How to have an anal orgasm

Experts suggest that being relaxed and aroused is key to anal penetration. Tips include taking a hot bath before anal play which will loosen tight muscles and increase blood flow to your erogenous zones.

Practising with a butt plug can also give you a good feel for anal play before trying it with your partner, as well as making sure you use a lot of lube – in fact, experts say that when it comes to anal, there’s no such thing as too much lube.

Nipple orgasm

The nipple orgasm is caused by stimulation of the nipple, which is an erogenous zone. In fact, each nipple has hundreds of nerve endings, making them super sensitive and a great way to induce pleasure with enough stimulation. It’s been described as something that happens quite gradually and then explodes into a powerful climax that comes in waves. Sounds pretty sexy, right?

How to have a nipple orgasm

Experts suggest that self-exploration with your nipples is the best way to achieve a nipple orgasm. Take your time to play with your nipples and breasts and figure out what feels good for you. Using fingers, oils, clamps and nipple vibrators can ramp up the stimulation as can exploring other erogenous zones like the clitoris simultaneously.

Squirting orgasm

Yep, in case you wondering, female ejaculation is absolutely a thing! Squirting is a form of ejaculation where a fluid, found to have similar chemical properties to urine as well as semen, is released from the vulva during orgasm. According to one study in 2017, 69 per cent of women have experienced it and it’s believed that anyone with a vagina is able to squirt.

How to have a squirting orgasm

Experts suggest the key to squirting is being relaxed and in the mood because squirting involves such a big release. In order to squirt, the vagina and vulva need to be at peak arousal so it’s important to take things slow, suggests AASECT-certified sex therapist Dr Jenni Skyler.

Stimulation of the G-spot is also central to squirting as well as learning to control the pelvic floor muscles and knowing when to contract and release. Using lube and being open to getting messy is also key.

Cervical orgasm

The cervical orgasm is induced by stimulation of or the pressing against the cervix, which is the neck of tissue that joins the top of the vagina to the lower part of the uterus. Deep penetration is needed to stimulate the cervix, which is why being intentional about how to reach a cervical orgasm is key.

How to have a cervical orgasm

Experts emphasise that it’s important to take it slow and make sure that you are relaxed and aroused. Foreplay is key as is communication with your partner about what feels good. Positions such as doggie style, which allow for deep penetration, are known to be the best for having a cervical orgasm.

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How to use Kegels to orgasm harder, boost sensation, and increase lubrication

By Kelly Burch

  • Kegels can benefit your sex life by increasing sensation, lubrication, and the ability to orgasm.
  • They also can help strengthen your pelvic floor muscles, which helps prevent vaginal prolapse.
  • To do kegels, contract and release the muscles you use to stop the flow of urine.

If you’re looking to enhance your sex life, there may be a solution that you can do any time, anywhere: kegel exercise. Kegel exercises engage your pelvic floor muscles. They can keep you healthy and may even make your sex life more fulfilling says sexologist and sexuality educator Lawrence Siegel, who works with couples and individuals to enhance their sex lives.

While doing Kegels won’t make you a better lover, they may make it easier for people with a vagina to orgasm, Siegel says. They may help the 10%-15% of women who have never had an orgasm, and others who find it difficult to orgasm.

And it’s not just people with a vagina who can reap the benefits of Kegels — birth-assigned males can also experience heightened sexual pleasure from strengthening their pelvic floor Siegel says.

Here’s why they are beneficial and how to do them.

The benefits of Kegels for people with a vagina

Kegels have the most benefit for people with a vagina.

1. Make your pelvic floor stronger

“Kegel exercises are a simple and effective way to strengthen those pelvic floor muscles, which support the uterus, bladder, and bowel,” says Dr. Sherry Ross, an OB-GYN and author of “She-ology: The Definitive Guide to Women’s Intimate Health.”

The pelvic floor includes the levator ani, coccygeus, and pubococcygeal (PC) muscle, the ones you use to stop the flow of urine. These muscles act like a hammock or sling supporting the internal organs in the pelvis — but they often weaken with age, especially in people who have given birth vaginally.

Strengthening these muscles can help you avoid:

  • Incontinence, or the inability to hold pee or poop until you make it to the toilet.
  • Pain during sex
  • Vaginal prolapse, a condition where the vagina muscles weaken and sag into the vaginal canal.
  • Pelvic floor dysfunction, or the inability to control your pelvic floor muscles.

2. Increase sensation and lubrication

Kegels can boost blood flow to the pelvis, which increases sensation and lubrication of the vagina. Many people find that increased lubrication increases pleasure for both partners during sex.

In addition, Kegels help prevent pelvic floor dysfunction. Women with pelvic floor dysfunction often have lower sexual satisfaction, fewer orgasms, and lower libido. Researchers can’t say exactly why, but it may be because conditions like prolapse or incontinence make it difficult to get in the mood.

3. Strengthen orgasm for both partners

Learning to activate the pelvic floor muscles allows you to contract them during sex.

Squeezing your pelvic muscles in the buildup to orgasm may help you experience a more powerful sensation when you come, says Ross. During orgasm, muscles throughout the body pulse and release involuntarily. Adding to this with kegels can make the sensation more intense.

It can also boost pleasure for your partner: “When a woman does Kegels during vaginal intercourse, the pelvic floor muscles contract on the penis — enhancing his sexual experience as well,” Ross says.

4. Make pelvic exams less painful

Relaxing the muscles during a Kegel is equally important as contracting. Learning to relax can reduce your risk of pain during sex or painful pelvic exams by letting you open the vagina more fully, says Harris.

Kegel benefits for people with a penis

Keeping the pelvic floor healthy is important for people with a penis too.

Kegels can help with male incontinence. This is especially important for people who have had prostate surgery, who often experience incontinence.

Doing Kegels regularly can also improve sexual experience for people with a penis. This is because Kegels increase blood flow to the groin and penis, which can boost sensation and may help combat erectile dysfunction (ED).

Unfortunately, there’s limited research in this area. A small 2005 study found that men with ED who performed Kegels in addition to making lifestyle changes had fewer ED symptoms than a control group. A small 2020 study suggested that kegels may be helpful for ED when they’re done long term.

“While Kegel exercises are primarily associated with women, many men can get similar benefits from doing them,” Siegel says.

How to get started with doing Kegels

Before you can do Kegels, you need to understand the muscles that you’re trying to activate.

How to find your pelvic floor muscles

The easiest way to find your pelvic floor muscles is to imagine that you’re urinating. From there, try to stop the imaginatory stream by contracting your PC muscles, says Ross. This works for both males and females. Try to tighten those muscles without tightening your legs, abs, or glutes.

People with a vagina can take a more hands-on approach to feeling their pelvic floor muscles, Ross says:

  1. Insert two fingers into your vagina.
  2. Contract your PC muscles, which you would use to stop the flow of urine.
  3. As they contract, feel a light squeeze on your fingers.
  4. Relax fully, and feel the grip on your fingers loosen.

People with a penis can find their pelvic floor muscles by trying to tighten their rectum. It’s the same movement that you might use if you’re trying to hold in a fart.

How to do Kegels

Once you’ve isolated your pelvic floor muscles, the foundation of doing Kegels is the same for all genders.

Here’s how to do them.

1. Empty your bladder. As you become more accustomed to doing Kegels you’ll be able to do them anywhere, anytime, but it’s best not to do them with a full bladder since that can strain your muscles.

2. Contract your PC muscles. Hold for 3-5 seconds when you first start. Build toward the goal of holding for ten seconds.

3. Relax your muscles entirely. Keep them relaxed for the same length of time that you held them tight.

4. Repeat this 10-15 times, three times a day. “The key to Kegels is consistency and regularity, doing them several times a day,” Siegel says.

After you’ve mastered that, try flutter Kegels, Ross says. With this variation, you contract and relax the muscles quickly, rather than holding the contraction. Do this for 30 seconds.

When you’re performing Kegels, keep these tips in mind:

  • Breath normally. Don’t hold your breath.
  • Keep your abs, thighs and butt relaxed. This helps isolate the pelvic floor muscles.
  • Find a regular time to do Kegels each day, like while at stop lights or while brushing your teeth.

Insider’s takeaway

Kegel exercises teach you how to contract and relax your pelvic floor muscles. This helps you build a strong pelvic floor which can help with things like incontinence and sexual satisfaction.

Kegels are convenient because they can be done discreetly anywhere, at any time. Anyone can benefit from them, and they’re safe for everyone. The most challenging part about them is working them into your daily routine consistently.

“There are absolutely no downsides to doing Kegel exercises,” says Ross. “Once you learn how to do them correctly, Kegels should be a permanent part of your daily routine.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How an orgasm affects your body and mind for the following 60 minutes

From the moment of orgasm to 60 minutes after, find out exactly what happens to your body.

By Hannah Millington

The benefits of an orgasm are widely known. They can relieve stress, aid sleep and even boost the immune system. But understanding exactly what happens to us mentally and physically after reaching climax is something few of us explain.

There’s more going on internally than we might realise, with our body still feeling the effects 60 minutes later. From the moment of orgasm, there are many different chemical, physiological and psychological changes that take place.

The main findings, from sex toy experts Bedbible, are pretty fascinating.

0 minutes after an orgasm

After achieving an orgasm, the brain is hit with a powerful wave of dopamine, creating a high similar to the euphoria of taking heroin.

10 minutes after an orgasm

For some, ‘post-sex blues’ can take effect fairly quickly after orgasm, with sudden feelings of depression and agitation created as a result of the dopamine levels dropping.

30 minutes after an orgasm

Blood pressure and heart rate should return to normal and muscles in the penis or vagina might begin to cramp due to the muscles contracting at an intense rate.

40 minutes after an orgasm

Sleepiness is common 40 minutes after, this is due to both the exercise underwent to achieve orgasm and the mental exhaustion that comes with the rise and fall of dopamine levels.

60 minutes after an orgasm

Whilst it differs from man to man, some men will take longer than an hour to recover post-orgasm, this is known as the refractory period. Women, however, tend to recover at a faster rate.

In terms of sexual arousal, specifically in women, NHS GO lists the process in order for women and men as: arousal, plateau, orgasm and resolution.

What happens in in a male and female’s bodies during the orgasm stage is slightly different.

Orgasm in women

  • Orgasm is the intense and pleasurable release of sexual tension that has built up in the earlier stages (whether during sex, masturbation etc). It involves contractions (muscles tightening and relaxing, 0.8 seconds apart) of the genital muscles
  • Most women don’t experience the ‘recovery period’ that men do after an orgasm. A woman can have another orgasm if she’s stimulated again
  • Not all women have an orgasm every time they have sex. For most women, foreplay is an important role in it occurring at all. This can include touching certain parts of the body and and stimulating the clitoris

And for ‘stage three: orgasm and ejaculation’ for men, the page states:

Orgasm in men

  • A series of contractions send semen into the urethra, which is the tube that urine and semen come out of from the penis
  • These contractions occur in the pelvic floor muscles (which support the bowel and bladder), in the tube that carries sperm from the testicles to the penis
  • They also occur in the seminal vesicles (glands that produce fluids) and the prostate gland (a small gland in the pelvis, between the penis and bladder), which both add fluid to the sperm. This mix of sperm (5%) and fluid (95%) is called semen
  • These contractions are part of orgasm, and the man can reach a point where he can’t stop ejaculation happening
  • Contractions of the prostate gland and the pelvic floor muscles then lead to ejaculation, when semen comes out of the penis

  • The misunderstood female orgasm

    Research from last month also concluded that ‘moaning’ is not part of the female orgasm and that it should be removed from analysis of women climaxing.

    Pre, peri, and post-menopausal women were asked in a questionnaire about their orgasm experiences both with and without a partner.

    Questions were based on the Orgasm Rating Scale (ORS) and the Bodily Sensations of Orgasm (BSOS), which are commonly used in related scientific research.

    The BSOS includes descriptions like ‘faster breathing’, ‘lower limb spasms’, ‘facial tingling’, ‘sweating’ and ‘increased heart rate’.

    While the researchers at the University of Ottawa found bodily sensations in both scales to be present, including ‘choppy/shallow breathing’, ‘increased blood pressure’ and ‘hot flashes’, they recommended that ‘copulatory vocalisations’ (moaning) should be removed from the BSOS.

    Essentially, moaning may be at least partly under a women’s control, even if they don’t realise.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to never fake an orgasm again

Those days are OVER.

by Cassandra Green

There’s no denying the statistical proof of an ‘orgasm gap’ between men and women, but while performing a climax might ease tensions in the short term, it won’t do much for your future pleasure.

We all remember that iconic scene from the 1989 hit film When Harry Met Sally, during which Meg Ryan’s character Sally sits in the middle of a crowded diner and fakes an orgasm.

When Harry, played by Billy Crystal, says he would know if a woman faked it, Sally responds, “All men are sure it never happened to them, and most women at one time or another have done it, so you do the math.” Thirty three years on, and women still face an orgasm gap.

A study in the Archives Of Sexual Behavior from the International Academy Of Sex Research found that heterosexual men were most likely to report they “usually- always” orgasm during sex (95 per cent), compared to 65 per cent of heterosexual women.

According to Christine Rafe, sex and relationship expert for Womanizer, there are a few patterns that could explain these statistics. “Many women have not learnt how to ask for what they want and need to orgasm,” she explains, adding that it is sometimes easier to fake it than explain why it isn’t happening. “A recent study found that the perceived ego of a sexual partner impacts the likelihood of faking orgasms.”

There is also the issue of a lack of education. “Society still perpetuates a narrative that penetrative sex is the most pleasurable… which does not align with what we know to be the anatomy of pleasure for a vulva and vagina owner. External clitoral stimulation is an essential part of orgasm for many vulva owners,” she says.

Rafe adds that pornography has its part to play, often misrepresenting climax for women.

“People describe being left feeling that there is something wrong with their body for not responding the way that bodies in pornography do.”

The burgeoning sexual wellness movement places greater awareness on the “orgasm” as a goal for both partners, which can encourage a healthy effort on both sides. Rafe says she has noticed a decrease in women faking orgasms in her practice.

But, is this growing awareness around “orgasm” a help or a hindrance?

Dr Suzanne Belton PhD, a medical anthropologist and midwife who worked closely with Dr Helen O’Connell (the Australian medical pioneer who first mapped the clitoris), celebrates these gains in recent times.

“It is possible for men and women to enjoy sensuality and sexual intercourse without orgasm. However, I find it interesting that we don’t think it is OK to ask men to enjoy sexual intercourse without orgasm. Why do we suggest that for women?” she asks.

There is nuance, though, because painting climax as a “goal” or a “gift” men must bring to their partners creates an uncomfortable sense of ego and responsibility in the bedroom.

“More focus on everyone’s pleasure and orgasm is absolutely a great thing,” says Rafe, however, “those socialised as men have grown up with the narrative that sexual prowess is a key factor in masculinity. The ego enters many sexual dynamics and this can increase performance anxiety, which can result in difficulty remaining present and a reduction of their own pleasure, difficulty getting and maintaining an erection, as well as sexual avoidance.”

On the flipside, women can feel the pressure to validate their partner’s effort by showing their pleasure, or even faking orgasms. While it’s great to strive for climax, sometimes it’s just not going to happen and that’s OK, too. “The irony of orgasm for many is that the more pressure we place on getting there, the harder it actually becomes,” Rafe explains.

“The reality for some vulva and vagina owners is that they are happy to enjoy sexual intimacy with their partners without necessarily achieving orgasm… A real or perceived pressure or expectation to orgasm for their partner can result in them saying no to sexual advances from their partner where they otherwise may have been interested in some sexual play, as well as sexual avoidance, and body shaming because they cannot experience orgasm easily.”

Rafe believes the answer is for each partner to be responsible for their own pleasure.

“This means that we are responsible for learning about what we need to have an orgasm (this can include context, environment, mood, arousal and touch/pleasure), and actually communicate with our partner what we want or need. Our partners are not mind readers, and if we don’t know about our own desire, arousal and pleasure, how on earth are they supposed to know?”

The compliment sandwich of telling your partner you won’t orgasm, rather than faking it

Communicating about not reaching climax has the potential to bruise the ego, but Rafe says it’s integral. Here’s how to do it

Be specific

Use phrases such as “I love it when you/we…”. Frame things you don’t like with a swap, “sometimes (the action) doesn’t feel as good as (something you like)”.

Talk history

If you know orgasm is sometimes difficult, voice it, and take away the pressure – which in turn can increase orgasmic potential.

Acknowledge physiology

Talk about how your body responds throughout the intercourse – including foreplay. Try saying, “I’ve learned that my body can take longer to warm up and get aroused than someone with a penis, can I tell you or show you what I know turns me on and feels amazing for me?”

Be honest about pressure

If you get in your head about an orgasm goal, move the goalposts. Explain it with, “I notice I can get in my head when it comes to having an orgasm, and when I do that, it makes it really difficult to get there. It would really help me get out of my head if we didn’t focus on having an orgasm every time”.

How to teach your partner to pleasure you

Dr Belton says the first step is to explore an orgasm for yourself. It doesn’t help that women masturbate less than men, with a Womanizer study finding on average, Aussie men will masturbate 139 times a year, compared with women at 79 times.

Then, explain it in detail. “Talking about needs and desires and explicit techniques before you are in the bedroom is helpful to remove that performance pressure for everyone,” she says.

Rafe agrees, adding, “You will need to be more specific than something like ‘clitoral stimulation’. Think about the specific type of touch, pressure, speed, consistency, patterns etc., that increase your pleasure.”

Some may find watching self-touch helpful. “If it feels too much to have them watch you front-and-centre, start with them lightly placing their hand over yours while you masturbate,” she says. “Many people find it super sexy to see someone self-touch, so remind yourself of this.”

Finally, Rafe recommends couples try out two different ‘goals’ in their sessions, one as a ‘practice’ (to learn and provide feedback) and the other as a ‘play’ (to take what you learned into a non-structured experience).

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!