Category: SEX THERAPY

Fear of Sex, Lasting Longer, Performance Anxiety, Preorgasmic Women, Sensate Focus

Posted on

A sex therapist’s advice on having a successful long-distance relationship

By

In the new season of Sex Education, Otis and Maeve, our favourite “will-they-won’t-they” couple (let’s be honest, Ross and Rachel aren’t quite as fun), are taking a chance on love again. However, as ever, things aren’t so easy. This time they have to work out how to be together while apart, as Maeve embarks on a writing course in the US. Yep, they are in an LDR (long-distance relationship).

Typically, LDRs are deemed less successful compared to couples in closer proximity. But being in close proximity doesn’t always go hand-in-hand with relationship satisfaction. I’ve seen this myself as a sex and relationship therapist, where I frequently encounter clients who, despite living side-by-side, still experience feelings of loneliness and a lack of intimacy with their partners.

And, according to a survey in 2021, 58% of couples in LDRs do manage to sustain a satisfactory lasting relationship. So don’t write them off. And if you’re in one yourself, here are some useful tips on how to negotiate the potential pitfalls of an LDR.

1. Texting

As Maeve and Otis’s relationship unfolds, they quickly learn how to navigate through the dos and don’ts of long-distance dating and communication mishaps. For example, while the duo starts off in a playful texting manner, communication suddenly comes to a halt. How the couple engage next is an example of how texts can be hard to interpret and lead to misunderstandings.

Take the question mark for example – it can mean many things. Maeve asks Otis for a sexy picture, a request that goes unanswered so she sends him a “?”. While Maeve is expressing impatience or frustration, feeling like she is being ignored, Otis interprets the text as pressure. While it isn’t her intention, the text contributes to making him feel embarrassed, awkward and under pressure to respond. Same text, different feelings.

In my experience, there are perhaps better ways of communicating by text. When we don’t have the words, we rely instead on limited textual cues – emoticons, question marks, gifs and so on – which makes it easy for our texts to be misconstrued and sometimes get “lost in translation”. Text messaging in LDRs demand exceptional communication skills. So always be clear about what you need (and how to ask for it) and always communicate openly and honestly about how you feel.

Other texting tips to consider when you are in LDRs:

  • Avoid heavy (emotionally loaded) topics by text.
  • Minimise ambiguity when texting to avoid misunderstandings.
  • Always check in with your emotions and self-regulate before texting your partner.
  • Consider time zones and different schedules.
  • Communicate frequently.
  • Be present and responsive during interactions.
  • Organise regular face-to-face meetings to maintain connectedness.

2. Understand attachment styles

Distance can trigger feelings of jealousy and insecurity. Attachment theory provides a valuable framework for understanding the formation of love relationships and what influences how individuals perceive, initiate and maintain romantic connections.

For example, individuals with a secure attachment style tend to have healthier, more stable and satisfying relationships. In contrast, fearful-avoidants fear rejection and often hold negative views of both themselves and their partner.

When researchers looked at how individuals connect and keep their relationships going, they found something interesting. People who are not so sure about their relationships avoid being close. They don’t express their true feelings or don’t like to talk about themselves in the relationship or don’t give much assurance. Assurance in this context is regarding love and how much you care about someone and the relationship. These maintenance behaviours are necessary for relationship satisfaction and for building trust.

For Otis, trust is an issue as he grapples with a new handsome friend of Maeve’s. Feelings of inadequacy rise. Could his greatest fear be abandonment? And if so, might this explain his uncertainty about the status or future of the relationship?

Eventually, Otis opens up about his fears that Maeve is not fully committed and that she might never come back. This is a good example of a couple practising honesty and openly communicating their emotions, ultimately fostering a stronger connection between them.

3. Creative long-distance sex

Research has found that sex is beneficial to our wellbeing, whether it is solo or with a partner(s). Yet often the biggest challenge for monogamous couples in LDRs is the lack of physical closeness.

 

So, how can LDR couples bridge that gap? Otis and Maeve have a go at phone sex, which they enhance with sex toys.

Even though couples are not able to actually touch each other, technology is incredibly useful in maintaining a sense of togetherness. Many sex toy companies have developed a range of toys for long-distance couples, enabling them to connect interactively to their lover’s device.

In our increasingly interconnected world, it is fair to say, that navigating LDRs can be complex. The success of these relationships hinges on many factors, including the quality of communication, the level of commitment, attachment styles, trust, and the coping strategies adopted by those involved.

Meanwhile, despite occasional challenges and setbacks, Otis and Maeve seem to be handling their long-distance relationship quite well.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

What is ‘veto power’ in non-monogamous relationships

— And why is it so problematic?

Having the power to ‘veto’ your partner’s other partners can have some seriously messy outcomes.

By Gigi Engle

If you opened up your relationship, would you want the ability to tell your partner’s other partners to piss off if you weren’t down with them? Intrigued? Let’s talk about “veto power.”

Veto power within consensually non-monogamous relationships is a hotly debated topic. People within the CNM community have very strong feelings about it. But, what does it mean to have veto power? “In CNM relationships, ‘veto’ indicates an agreement between primary partners in which they can say no to new or other partners,” says Dr. Celina Criss, a certified sex coach specializing in gender, sexuality, and relationship diversity.

Yes, you read that correctly. It’s the ability to tell your partner that they essentially have to break up with their other partner(s) if you don’t like them or the relationship. If that sounds problematic, that’s because it often is.

Whether you love it or hate it, the concept of veto power is one worth exploring and unpacking. As with all things dating-related, it’s complicated and in need of nuanced conversations.

If you’re active in the online dating realm, you’ve probably been hearing more about CNM — aka ethical non-monogamy or ENM — lately. The term “ethical non-monogamy” has seen a 213 percent spike in searches in the last year alone.

Here is everything you should know about veto power within CNM dynamics.

What is ‘veto power’ in the CNM world?

Veto power is essentially the ability to tell your partner’s other partner(s) to take a hike, if you decide the relationship isn’t working for you anymore. It grants partners the ability to determine who their partner can and cannot have relationships with. It exists within hierarchical CNM dynamics, wherein there are two (or more) primary partners and all other partners are considered ‘secondary.’

Joli Hamilton, a qualitative researcher and relationship coach specializing in non-monogamy, tells us veto power is an explicit or implicit agreement that one partner within a primary relationship can require a change to the structure, intensity, or existence of their partner’s other relationships. This can be true of new partners and existing partners. “Sometimes veto power is explicitly granted as a way to reinforce the idea that an existing couple will remain the priority over any new relationships that may come into existence,” she explains.

Veto power is essentially the ability to tell your partner’s other partner(s) to take a hike, if you decide the relationship isn’t working for you anymore. In order to use veto power in an ethical way (though some would argue it is never ethical), the agreement must be explicit. All partners within the relationship need to understand that the veto power is in place, how it functions for the primary partners, and consent to honoring it. As you may have guessed, this can get quite complicated.

Why would a couple choose to have ‘veto power’ within their relationship structure?

There are a lot of reasons why a couple might choose to enact veto power. Hamilton says that it’s often used as a tool to help couples feel safer when they’re first opening up. Basically, it makes you feel like no matter who else you or your partner might date, you’ll always be the “chosen one.”

“Lots of people want veto power when they are transitioning from a monogamous paradigm to a more expansive relationship structure, in part because they can’t imagine a world where they wouldn’t have a say over what their partner does with their emotions or body,” she explains. This need to be held above all others is born out of ‘compulsory monogamy,’ the socially constructed notion that being monogamous and prioritizing one partner is the “correct” way of existing within a relationship.

And yes, this has problematic implications when you’re practicing CNM because it tries to hold a different way of relating to the monogamous standard. Hamilton says she’s seen plenty of couples use veto power as a means to retain a sense of control, with decidedly mixed results.

The positives of ‘veto power’

Criss tells us that there can be upsides in using veto power within CNM dynamics. If your relationship is consensually hierarchical, the veto can act as a safeguard for the primary partnership. Depending on the outlined agreement between partners, “this objection can be at the beginning of an additional relationship or later, if that relationship has become problematic,” she says. “One way to think of it is as a safe word for CNM: it indicates there is a problem or concern that needs to be addressed.”

When used in this way, the veto acts as less of a tool of control and more as a way to explore issues that come up with primary partners and their other partners. “It can be quite useful,” Criss adds.

Again, for this dynamic to work – the veto, and what it means within your dynamic, needs to be clearly outlined and agreed to by all parties involved in the relationship. When a person within the primary partnership takes on a secondary or tertiary partner, that partner needs to be fully aware of the existing veto power and consent to it. Otherwise, we’re just getting plain old unethical.

Hierarchical polyamorous and open structures are a highly contentious subject within the CNM community – with some people strongly endorsing hierarchy and others believing it is entirely unethical. Those who oppose it point to “monogamy culture,” wherein the idea of the “primary partnership” is of utmost importance – which goes against the very nature of CNM. There isn’t a total consensus.

The drawbacks of ‘veto power’

Veto power offers primary partners a sense of control within relationships, but Moushumi Ghose, a licensed sex therapist, says that the “control” is usually a band-aid for larger issues. Often, the veto is used as a way to avoid dealing with the myriad uncomfortable feelings that come with opening up a relationship. “Veto power is extremely problematic because it creates a power imbalance, essentially. The biggest threat is that one person can close an open relationship simply because of uncomfortable feelings,” she says. It tries to remove the need to face and work through difficult emotions and dynamics that inevitably come up when you’re involved with multiple partners. This doesn’t solve anything, and instead can build resentment.

Veto power can also be problematic when it is used as a means to control your partner’s behavior. Criss tells us that “using a veto to non-consensually control or threaten your partner is not OK, in fact it runs counter to the general idea of CNM.” CNM specifically emphasizes consent and individual autonomy so, when veto power is used as a way to infringe upon a partner’s autonomy, that’s when it becomes an issue.

“Veto power is extremely problematic because it creates a power imbalance.” Hamilton agrees, telling us that veto power can lead to hypervigilance within a relationship, often resulting in monitoring your partner’s behavior such as checking their phones or social media and trying to control who they are with and when. “All of these can increase the amount of jealousy we feel, and none of those behaviors lead to more trust in your partner,” she says. “Instead it keeps you locked in a cycle of watchful waiting for your partner to screw up or overstep your comfort.”

What’s more, even if both primary partners agree that veto power is on the table, it often neglects to consider the feelings, wishes, and boundaries of the (very real) human people who aren’t in the primary partnership. “Veto power removes consent, especially when you consider that in CNM there are multiple people involved,” Ghose says. This can turn into a very messy situation, very quickly.

What to do if your partner asks for ‘veto-power’

Navigating these conversations requires empathy and nuance. “If your partner wants a veto and you’re not into it, this is an opportunity to get curious and investigate,” Criss says.

She suggests exploring the following questions: Why are they asking for this? Are you in alignment with your relationship goals, your CNM dynamic, and how you are feeling about each other?

Hamilton tells us that the need for veto can begin to dissipate once you learn to deal with difficult emotions in a healthy way. “Learn to regulate your nervous system and practice holding your body’s sensations and emotions during times of stress,” she says. This can look like adopting grounding and breathing techniques.

You may want to trade in veto power for authentic ways your partner can make you feel secure – and visa versa. “Have conversations about what security looks like and sounds like for you. Ask for those things to be prioritized,” Hamilton says. “Don’t make your partner guess – actually tell them what it looks and sounds like for you to receive their loving attention. Help them co-create a sense of security with you.”

Sometimes these conversations can be scary or confronting. If you find this is the case, you can always employ the help of a qualified, CNM-friendly sex therapist or coach to help you.

Whatever your journey is, we salute you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

What Does It Mean To Be Nonbinary?

— Being nonbinary means not identifying solely (or at all) with being male or female

For a long time, Western society thought of sex and gender as a binary: male/female, girl/boy, man/woman. Though plenty of people throughout history have likely identified otherwise, we haven’t had the language to talk about or understand what that means.

Fortunately, we’ve come a long way. In 2021, a study by the Trevor Project found that more than a quarter (26%) of LGBTQIA+ youth now identify as nonbinary, with an additional 20% saying they’re still questioning whether they’re nonbinary. And that data doesn’t even begin to cover nonbinary/questioning adults.

But what exactly does it mean to be nonbinary? Child and adolescent psychiatrist Jason Lambrese, MD, helps define this term so that you can better understand this gender identity.

What is nonbinary?

In simple terms, being nonbinary means that you do not identify (solely or at all) with the idea of being a man or a woman.

“We used to think that people were either male or female, and that was it — that there were two endpoints, and everyone had to be at one of them,” Dr. Lambrese says. “But it became clear that that didn’t fit everybody’s experience.”

Now, health professionals recognize that gender identity is much more expansive and multifaceted. Sometimes, it’s explained as a spectrum — a sliding scale of sorts, with “male” and “female” as endpoints.

For some people, being nonbinary means feeling that you’re somewhere else along that line — in between male and female, or a combination of some aspects of both. But other nonbinary people feel that their gender identity exists outside the male/female spectrum — not on the line but somewhere else altogether.

“There are a lot of cultures where it’s very common to identify as male, female or a third gender,” Dr. Lambrese notes. “We might put it somewhere in the middle of the spectrum, or it can be thought about completely outside of that construct.”

Nonbinary gender identities

If you’re trying to get a handle on what it means to be nonbinary, you’re going to have to get comfortable in gray space: There are no specific, hard-and-fast rules about nonbinary identities or “what it means” to be nonbinary.

“What it means for one person could be different than what it means for somebody else,” Dr. Lambrese states.

A nonbinary person could just identify with the term “nonbinary,” or they may use other terms to describe themselves and their relationship (or lack thereof) with gender:

  • Agender,genderless, or gender-free are terms for people who don’t identify with any gender at all.
  • Androgynousmeans having gender expression characteristics that are typically associated with both male and female.
  • Bigenderis when someone identifies with two genders, whether they experience those genders at the same time or alternately.
  • Demigirl and demiboyare terms for people who partially identify with one gender or the other, but not fully.
  • Genderfluid and genderflux refer to the feeling that your gender is flexible. It may change from day to day or over time.
  • Gender non-conforming usually means that a person doesn’t conform to societal gender norms, whether in terms of gender identity, gender expression or both.
  • Genderqueer is typically used as an umbrella term, sort of like nonbinary, for anyone who feels they don’t fit into standard gender labels.

Because gender can be such a personal experience, these terms can mean different things to different people. And some people might identify with multiple terms or with others not listed here.

If these terms are new to you, you might feel confused about some of the nuances and differences between them. That’s OK. The most important thing is to remain open-minded to learning what they mean to individual people and their gender identity — so that you can be as supportive as possible.

Is nonbinary the same as transgender?

Sometimes, and sometimes not. The answer to this question comes down to each individual person and what identity feels right to them.

For the most part, you can think of being transgender as an overarching concept that encompasses multiple types of identities. “You could say that being trans is the most overarching of all of the umbrella terms, and under that are smaller umbrellas, like being nonbinary,” Dr. Lambrese clarifies.

But not everyone who identifies as nonbinary will identify with being trans. Some nonbinary people, for example, may feel more comfortable with explanations like “not cisgender.”(Cisgender meaning people whose gender identity corresponds with what they were assigned at birth.)

“For some people, even the term ‘transgender’ can feel like a binary,” Dr. Lambrese says, “so being nonbinary may feel separate from the identity of transgender. It’s all very individualized.”

It’s always best not to make assumptions about anyone’s identity — which is, by the way, a good rule of thumb for all for life!

What pronouns do nonbinary people use?

This answer differs for every person, but “they/them” is common. The Trevor Project found that more than one-third of nonbinary youth exclusively (only) use the pronouns “they/them.”

For some people, using they/them to refer to a singular person feels weird and uncomfortable — that squiggly feeling you get when you use improper grammar. If this is you, try to remember: Language is constantly evolving, and it’s OK for words’ meanings to change. Plus, you’re probably already more used to using they/them singular pronouns than you might think (for example, “Someone left their umbrella behind! I sure hope they come back for it.”).

“It’s important that we validate and normalize ’they/them’ as pronouns that can be used singularly,” Dr. Lambrese states.

The study also found that an additional 21% of respondents use a combination of gender pronouns that include but aren’t limited to they/them. This could mean, for example, that someone uses them/them pronouns and she/her pronouns. They may prefer that you mix them up at random (“I’m getting lunch with her tomorrow because they weren’t available today.”) or ask that you use certain pronouns at certain times.

What about neopronouns?

Less common but still important are neopronouns, which are words that have been created to take the place of traditional pronouns. Some examples include:

  • Xe/xem/xir.
  • Ze/zir/zem.
  • Ee/em/eir.

If you’re not sure exactly how to use neopronouns, here’s an example: “Xe is so friendly and funny. When I first met xem last week, I immediately asked for xir number so we could hang out.”

It can take some work to incorporate this type of evolving language into your lexicon, but doing so shows respect and support for others. Like anything new, it will start to come naturally to you over time.

“If you mess up, that’s OK,” Dr. Lambrese reassures. “Just apologize and use the correct one going forward. People can usually appreciate that. It’s when you’re not trying that can be very hurtful.”

Nonbinary people and mental health

The English language now offers more terminology than ever for people to express their gender identity, which represents society’s evolving understanding of gender. But that doesn’t always mean that individual people have become more understanding or accepting.

The Trevor Project found that 42% of LGBTQ youth seriously considered attempting suicide in the year before the study. That included more than half of transgender and nonbinary youth — largely owing to a lack of support and respect from family, friends and society at large.

“When nonbinary teens live in an environment where they’re not feeling accepted or validated, they can experience negative mental health outcomes like depression, anxiety and even suicidal ideation,” Dr. Lambrese says.

The Trevor Project found that nonbinary youth whose family members respected their pronouns were far less likely to attempt suicide than their peers without family support.

“These numbers are supported by studies that have looked at sexual and gender minorities over time,” Dr. Lambrese says. “Data shows that the more support children and teens have, the better their mental health outcomes are.”

How to support nonbinary people

“Being affirming of somebody’s experience doesn’t have to mean that you fully understand all of the intricacies of their identity,” Dr. Lambrese says. “It doesn’t even have to mean that you agree with all of their goals for themselves. But you can still be affirming and supportive.”

Two of the simplest and more powerful ways to show your respect and support are to use people’s preferred names and proper pronouns.

“At the very least, this allows people to feel heard,” he says. “The data shows that sometimes, those simplest things lead nonbinary people to say, ‘When my pronouns are used correctly, I feel so much better.’ It’s such a simple, easy thing that we can all do.”

Dr. Lambrese shares some tips:

  • Ask for their pronouns (and share yours): Meeting someone new? “Don’t make assumptions about people’s gender identity or their pronouns,” Dr. Lambrese advises. “You can ask people, or you can introduce yourself with your own pronouns and ask for theirs. I might say, for example, ‘Hi, I’m Jason, and my pronouns are he/him. What name and pronouns do you use?’”
  • Seek out examples: If someone shares their pronouns with you and you’re not entirely sure how to use them, politely ask if they feel comfortable sharing some examples so that you can get it right. Google is your friend here, too.
  • When you mess up, apologize … and move on: If you accidentally misgender someone, acknowledge it (“Oh, I’m sorry! I meant ‘they.’”) and then keep the conversation flowing. Over-apologizing is awkward for everyone, and it centers your own feelings over theirs.
  • Normalize pronouns: Putting your own pronouns in your email signature or on your nametag at events allow people others to feel more comfortable sharing their pronouns with you.
  • Adapt your other language, too:Gendered terms like “Hey, ladies,” and “You guys,” can feel exclusionary to nonbinary people. Instead, practice using inclusive, gender-neutral terms like “y’all” and “folks.”
  • Gently correct others: If you overhear someone else talking about another person with the wrong pronouns, offer a polite but firm correction: “Jamie actually uses they/them pronouns, not he/him.” Helping others get it right behind the scenes may lessen the chances that they misgender someone face to face.

At the end of the day, supporting nonbinary people is, in so many ways, similar to supporting any other community of people: “Operate in good faith, demonstrate respect and apologize when you fall short,” Dr. Lambrese encourages.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

The male menopause

— Genuine condition or moneymaking myth?

Late onset hypogonadism, sometimes likened to a ‘male menopause’, occurs in 2.1% of men who are almost exclusively over the age of 65.

Experts say there is no equivalent of the menopause for men and symptoms such as depression and low sex drive have other explanations

By

This week brought reports that “male menopause” policies are in place at several NHS trusts, with some HR managers suggesting staff could receive up to a year of sick pay if they experience symptoms. This is despite the NHS itself saying male menopause is not a clinical condition and that it is not national NHS policy to offer leave for it.

We take a look at the science behind the term.

What is meant by the “male menopause”?

The male menopause, also known as the andropause, is a term often used to refer to a cluster of features seen in some men in their late 40s to early 50s, such as depression, loss of sex drive, mood swings, erectile dysfunction, problems sleeping and loss of muscle mass.

However the NHS notes this is not a clinical condition. Rather, it says, it is an “unhelpful term sometimes used in the media”.

So this isn’t a male version of what women go through?

In a word, no.

Dr Ravinder Anand-Ivell, associate professor of endocrinology and reproductive physiology at the University of Nottingham and an expert of the European Academy of Andrology, says that the two are quite different.

“The menopause represents acute symptoms caused by the relatively abrupt cessation of ovarian hormonal function due to the exhaustion of a woman’s egg reserve at around 50 plus [or] minus five years of age,” she said. “Men have no equivalent physiology.”

Prof Richard Sharpe, an expert in male reproductive disorders from the University of Edinburgh, agreed.

“There is no question that, in normal men at the population level, blood testosterone levels decline with age from late 30s to early 40s onwards,” he said. “However, there is no precipitous fall in [blood testosterone] levels akin to that which occurs for estrogen levels in women at the menopause.”

Sharpe also stressed that some men may experience little blood testosterone decline when ageing. “It can be quite variable between individuals – unlike the 100% occurrence of menopause in women,” he said.

Does that mean the “male menopause” is made up?

Not exactly.

“There is a condition in some elderly men, known as ‘late onset hypogonadism’ or more recently called ‘functional hypogonadism’, which is characterised by low concentrations of testosterone in the blood together with symptoms of testosterone deficiency such as loss of libido, bone and muscle weakness, etc,” said Anand-Ivell.

But, she added, this occurs in approximately 2.1% of men, almost exclusively over the age of 65.

While some men with late-onset hypogonadism (LOH) may benefit from testosterone replacement therapy, its wider use has caused controversy. Some experts have raised concerns that it is being given to patients who have some similar symptoms to LOH but may have blood testosterone levels within the normal range for that age group.

“This is what I refer to as a ‘charlatan’s charter’; as such, general symptoms will occur in most men during – and before – ageing, but are almost always driven by other factors,” said Sharpe.

So what is behind this cluster of symptoms?

Anand-Ivell said men who reported sudden symptoms, and at a younger age, might well be experiencing another underlying health problem.

Indeed, as the NHS notes, features that have been ascribed to a “male menopause” could be down to lifestyle factors or psychological problems.

“For example, erectile dysfunction, low sex drive and mood swings may be the result of stress, depression [or] anxiety,” the NHS says, adding other causes of erectile dysfunction include smoking or heart problems.

Financial and life worries may also play a role in the symptoms some men experience during ageing, as could poor diet, lack of sleep and low self-esteem, the NHS notes.

Sharpe added that conditions such as obesity, and its downstream disorders, were also generally associated with lower blood testosterone levels in men, with some arguing it might predispose them to further weight gain.

As for treatment, Prof Frederick Wu of Manchester Royal Infirmary said the approach was threefold: “Lifestyle change, weight loss and improve general health,” he said.

Why is the male menopause getting attention?

Experts say a key reason the “male menopause” is a hot topic is money.

Anand-Ivell said: “A lot of the ‘andropause’ literature stems from commercial interests, particularly in the USA, wishing to draw spurious comparisons with the female menopause in order to sell testosterone-related products for which there is no clinical evidence of benefit.”

The latest headlines, meanwhile, have been fuelled by the revelation that male menopause policies are in place at several NHS trusts. Sharpe said: “For myself, I am amazed that any health board would even talk about there being an andropause, let alone suggesting time off.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

What is premature ejaculation?

— Finishing too soon during sex can be very distressing, but it is definitely treatable.

By Gigi Engle

Imagine you’re with someone super hot. You’re about to start having sex (whatever that sex act may look like for you). You’re in the moment and are very excited to start touching each other. You get going and it’s pretty freakin’ great. Suddenly, you realize you’re actually TOO excited. Without any real warning, you’re past the point of no return. You ejaculate. Maybe you feel embarrassed. Maybe you feel ashamed. Maybe a bit of both.

Enter: Premature Ejaculation (PE). Premature ejaculation is incredibly common. It is widely considered to be one of the biggest sexual function issues amongst penis owners. One in three penis-owning people experience issues with PE in their lifetime. That’s 30 percent of people with dicks!

When online misinformation about sexual health abounds, it’s difficult to know where to turn for answers. We spoke to urologists and sex therapists to get accurate answers to your burning questions.

Just because PE is common doesn’t mean it’s something that is easy to handle. Dr. Anika Ackerman, a urologist specializing in sexual medicine, says that the lack of control that comes with PE can be incredibly frustrating and distressing for those who suffer from it.

Luckily, PE is highly treatable. “It’s crucial to realize that many [people] experience this challenge, and with the appropriate guidance, it’s manageable,” says Dr. Nazanin Moali, a psychologist, sex therapist, and the host of Sexology podcast.

So, with all this in mind (and possibly peen), let’s break down what premature ejaculation is, why it happens, and some strategies for dealing with it.

What is premature ejaculation?

Premature ejaculation is defined as reaching ejaculation before you want to. Technical definitions usually define “before you want to” as ejaculation within 1-3 minutes of sexual activity or penetration. PE “is a condition where a penis owner does not have voluntary, conscious control or the ability to choose, in most encounters, when to ejaculate,” says Dr. Lee Phillips, Ed.D, a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist.

PE can be situational or ongoing. Meaning, it can be something that happens in certain contexts with certain people or during nearly every (or all) sexual encounters, regardless of the context. Ejaculating “too quickly” isn’t defined as PE unless it occurs on a regular basis. “It denotes a pattern that has been present for at least half a year and manifests almost every time, if not every single time, during sexual engagement,” Moali says.

What causes PE?

Most experts believe that if no medical issues are detected, the causes for PE are largely psychological and emotional – though the exact reasons are widely undetermined. It’s important to speak with your medical provider to rule out any medical conditions that may cause PE.

One popular theory is that PE is rooted in a disconnect with your sexual response cycle. Meaning, you aren’t in-tune with the way your body responds sexually, which impacts your control over your body’s ejaculatory function during sex.

Let’s talk about something every single one of us has (probably) heard: That you should think of anything besides sex in order to last longer in bed. This widespread social narrative encourages young men and penis owners to think things like their grandma naked or a body covered in boils.

Spoiler! This is actually the opposite of what you should do if you want to last longer. When we step away from awareness of what our bodies are doing, we lose all control. Meaning, we’re much more likely to orgasm before we’re ready to. How about them apples?

Philips says that performance anxiety may also play a role – when we’re very nervous to be with a new partner, we may become overly excited too quickly, resulting in PE. This anxiety about PE can lead to more anxiety, which can perpetuate the problem.

Ironically, performance anxiety can also lead to difficulties in getting or maintaining erections. Bodies are all kinds of wild and the ways they respond vary greatly.

Understanding the sexual response cycle in relation to PE.

To understand PE, we have to understand exactly how the body responds during sex.

According to pioneering sex researchers, Masters and Johnson, the sexual response cycle takes place in four phases: excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution.

For our purposes, excitement and arousal are the most important phases to observe. Excitement is sexual arousal, when we begin to get turned on (whether that be from physical stimulation, dirty talk, sexting, porn etc.). Plateau is when we’re feeling super hot and bothered – coasting towards climax – when sexual play gets going and you’re feeling it big time.

In cases of PE, the issue lies in the plateau phase – namely, that is quite short and, in some cases, nonexistent. This means that you jump from being sexually aroused right to orgasm. Hence, finishing more quickly than you might want to.

(We should note that there are many other models that are used to explain the complexity of human sexual response, but Masters and Johnson’s straightforward four-phasic model is very helpful in understanding premature ejaculation).

In this same vein, we should consider how long we’re actually in the plateau phase. It’s quite common that someone might think they have premature ejaculation, but in reality, they aren’t aware of how long they’ve been coasting toward the Big O.

You may think you’re not lasting long enough in bed, when really you last quite a normal amount because you’ve been in the excitement and/or plateau phase for a prolonged period of time, pre-sex. For instance: When a penis-owning person has been thinking about sex all day, this means that the sexual response cycle has been building long before the actual sex even happens. This can lead to people believing that they have PE when, in reality, they aren’t in tune with the ways their bodies respond to sexual stimuli.

If this is all new to you, don’t worry. We have junk sex ed in general, and absolutely nothing in regards to sexual difficulties like erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation. The more we know about our bodies, the more confident we can feel in them.

5 expert-approved strategies for dealing with premature ejaculation.

  • Focus on sensation and what is happening in the body.

As we mentioned above, the socially prescribed advice for lasting longer during sex is to “think about anything else.” This is incorrect. Instead, start to practice paying attention to what is happening within the body during sexual arousal, in order to build awareness. “This mindful approach can lead to a more relaxed and prolonged sexual experience,” Moali says. When we’re more aware, we’re in better control.

  • Start Stop Technique

Philips recommends trying the Start Stop Technique as a way to gain more control over your erections. When you’re masturbating, stop once you feel yourself starting to get close to orgasm. “Wait 30 seconds or a minute, and then repeat, masturbating until you feel the point at which ‘coming’ is imminent,” he says. “Time how long it takes for you to get to this point.” Repeat this process 3-4 times. This will help you get a better understanding of the sensations in your body and bring awareness to when you’re going over the edge. This should be an ongoing practice.

  • The Squeeze Technique

Ackerman suggests The Squeeze Technique during solo or partnered activity. “In the squeeze method, the partner or patient will squeeze the penis to delay orgasm,” she says. Do this when you’re starting to feel close to orgasm. While there isn’t a ton of scientific data to support this method, it has been found to be very useful within clinical settings.

  • Take a penis-touching-break during sexual activity.

If you find that you’re getting too turned on and worry you’re going to bust before you’re ready, consider taking a break from penis stimulation, focusing on your partner instead, with oral pleasure, sex with toys, or a sensual massage. “This change of pace can help reduce your arousal, slowing the process and offering a more satisfying, longer-lasting experience for both parties,” Moali says.

  • Seek out professional assistance.

A sex therapist is someone who specializes in sexual wellness and sexual function issues. They can help you process underlying emotions and psychological issues that may be causing and/or perpetuating PE. They can also give you exercises to modify your behaviors around masturbation and sex. “The goal is to relax your nervous system and to be grounded in your body,” Lee says. There is nothing wrong with needing a little extra assistance on your sexual health journey.

All in all, PE is a very common problem that has highly successful outcomes when treated. You’re not alone. You’re not broken. And there is help for you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

3 Things to Do If You Feel Super Awkward Talking About Sex With Your Partner

— The conversation doesn’t have to be a super serious sit-down chat.

By Jenna Ryu

For some of us, conversations about sex—what we liked, what we didn’t, what turns us on, what absolutely doesn’t—come naturally. But maybe physical intimacy is a taboo topic in your family or culture. Or perhaps you’re totally comfortable with dirty talk when the clothes come off, but the idea of discussing toys or butt stuff with your new partner at the dinner table while fully dressed terrifies you.

“It’s no wonder we’re so uncomfortable talking about sex as a culture. I mean, if you think about most love scenes in movies, the characters never discuss it,” Vanessa Marin, MFT, licensed psychotherapist and author of Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life, tells SELF. “They’re just able to have this magical, effortless, incredible sex.”

But don’t let those perfect camera angles fool you: Most healthy relationships require open and honest communication to thrive—in and out of the bedroom—Marin says. And if you struggle in the carnal conversation department, it’s a skill worth honing, “or else you run the risk of waiting until things are really bad to talk about sex, and it just reinforces this whole misconception that it has to be an uncomfortable topic,” she adds.

So how exactly can you bring up your sexual fantasies without awkwardly hiding under the covers? Here’s Marin’s best advice:

Acknowledge your anxiety.

For many people, sex is an important part of a satisfying relationship, so discussing it with your partner should ideally be no different than talking about stuff like your feelings, life plans, and dealbreakers.

In practice, however, sharing that you’re craving some role-play or a bit of strap-on fun may feel very different from requesting more date nights, Marin says. One way to, well, ease your uneasiness is to acknowledge the anxious elephant in the room (it’s you). Calling this out from the start can help both you and your partner relax, creating an environment that encourages vulnerability.

For instance, you might begin the conversation with something like, “I know we don’t really do this, and it’s kind of awkward, but I really hope both of us can feel safe talking openly about our sex life.” That way, “you can start to get comfortable with the idea that sex is natural and not this hush-hush subject,” Marin says.

Don’t feel like you need to have a capital-S sex talk.

Okay, you’ve finally worked up the courage to chat candidly about your desires. Now what?

You may have a bunch of hot ideas you’re itching to share with your lover, like exploring anal play or experimenting with phone sex. But rather than dumping every dirty thought into one intense and formal sit-down, Marin says it’s best to start small.

For example, you could try reminiscing about one of your favorite not-so-family-friendly memories together (“Remember when we took our time while going down on each other on Valentine’s Day? I’d love to do that again.”) or even just make a quick comment during pillow talk (“That was amazing. Maybe next time we can try some new positions?”) Marin says that asking for what you want more casually—rather than making it this super serious “we need to talk” moment—may help you both recognize that keeping the lines of sexual communication open can be easy and fun.

Use positive language to create a supportive vibe.

Let’s say the sex was really bad. Or you wish you had orgasmed. It can feel really difficult—mean, even—to offer constructive criticism about your partner’s performance. But that doesn’t mean you should bottle it up. “We have to be sensitive with sex because most of us would like to think we’re good in bed, and it’s natural to feel super vulnerable about the ways we might not be getting it right,” Marin says.

Instead of going straight into problem-solving mode and pointing out what they need to “fix,” a kinder and more effective approach is to focus on what is working for you. So if your partner doesn’t really engage in foreplay and you’d really appreciate it if they would take their time, you might tell them something along the lines of, “It turns me on so much when you go slow and kiss me everywhere,” Marin suggests.

Not only is that framing less likely to bruise their ego and put them on the defensive than asking them to “seriously, stop rushing,” she says, but communicating what you want versus what you don’t also increases your chances of actually getting it—and getting off.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Heterosexuality is often considered the “default” but that banner belongs to sexual fluidity

— There’s a difference between sexual orientation, sexual identity, and sexual behavior.

By Kelley Nele

“Something that the LGBT community always says is that your sexuality and identity can change at any time, but when it’s the other way around from gay to straight they get angry and say that it can’t.”

The former quote is a comment that was left on a CBN News video covering the Matthew Grech case. Matthew Grech is Christian charity worker who claims to have left his “homosexual lifestyle” for Jesus Christ.

Grech is currently facing criminal charges for allegedly promoting conversion therapy practices in Malta during an online interview.

Conservatives are outraged by the supposed hypocrisy of queer folks surrounding sexuality, but is it really hypocritical?

Why is it that LGBTQ+ people believe sexuality and gender identity are fluid yet also say a gay person cannot “turn” straight? Well, first of all, some LGBTQ+ people, even some who identify as gay, are in fact fluid and do sometimes engage in relationships with people of the opposite sex.

Since the beginning of time, heterosexuality has been viewed and promoted as the default. This is a product of the Christian patriarchal values many societies live by.

Despite these values and all of the conditioning they come with, there has been plenty of evidence—throughout history—suggesting that it’s not true.

If anything, sexuality is fluid for all genders and orientations. We’re conditioned to believe that you’re either straight or gay; if you’re not one, you’re the other. But, this is far from the truth.

In the book Not Gay: Sex Between Straight White Men Jane Ward shares insights about the various reasons why straight-identifying men engage in homosexual behavior.

But how is it possible for someone straight to engage in homosexual behavior and not be gay? Well, there’s a difference between sexual orientation, sexual identity, and sexual behavior.

Sexual orientation is defined as the quantity and duration of one’s same-sex or opposite-sex desires, often believed to be hardwired.

Sexual identity, on the other hand, is defined as how one identifies oneself; straight, gay, bisexual, etc.

And finally, sexual behavior is defined as the actual behavior one engages in.

The distinction between sexual orientation, sexual identity, and sexual behavior are what make it possible for people’s extracurricular activities to deviate from their disclosed or perceived orientation.

For decades, institutions like the army, prison and fraternities have manufactured circumstances where straight-identifying men are not only encouraged but sometimes forced to engage in behaviors that could be labeled as homosexual.

For fraternity boys, this means engaging in traditions such as the elephant walk or participating in a game of ookie cookie. In the Navy we see rituals of all kind including simulated oral and anal sex. And of course in prison, we see men have sex with other men due to the lack of access to women.

The reason why the straight-identifying men who engage in the aforementioned homosexual behavior aren’t considered gay is because the encounter(s) are either situational or seen as patriotic rituals that promote male bonding and/or character-building.

This makes it abundantly clear that straight-identifying men are capable of engaging in homosexual behavior — proving their fluidity.

It’s important to note that straight-identifying men don’t simply engage in homosexual sexual behavior because they are required to, they also engage in it because they want to.

In the 1940s, Dr. Alfred Kinsey created what we know today as The Kinsey Scale. Dr. Kinsey claims that sexuality exists on a spectrum ranging from 0 to 6; 0. exclusively heterosexual, 1. predominately heterosexual but slightly inclined to homosexual behavior, 2. predominately heterosexual but more than slightly inclined to homosexual behavior, 3. bisexual, 4. predominantly homosexual but more than slightly inclined to heterosexual behavior, 5. predominantly homosexual but slightly inclined to heterosexual behavior, and 6. exclusively homosexual.

The Kinsey Scale explains why straight-identifying folk can have sexual encounters with members of the same sex and remain straight, and vice versa.

Contrary to popular belief, straight-identifying men are not immune to the accidental hook-up with a member of the same sex.

For some, the accidental hook-up may open the door to further exploration and perhaps later the expansion of their sexuality. But, for others, the accidental hook-up is simply a one-and-done.

Homosocial homosexuality refers to men’s need for access to quick and emotionless sex and their longing for physical intimacy with other men. This manifests, for example, as men engaging in mutual masturbation while watching porn.

In addition to that, similar to cisgender heterosexual women, straight-identifying men often engage in homosexual acts like kissing (or more) simply for female attention or pleasure.

Engaging in sexual behavior for ritualistic purposes, attention or pure desire demonstrates the inherent fluidity of straight-identifying men’s sexuality.

Behavior that goes against the grain of one’s sexual orientation isn’t just limited to straight-identifying folk. Queer men are capable of demonstrating fluidity as well.

The term Down Low — which is most popular amongst the Black and Latino community, as well as the queer community — is often used to describe men who live “heterosexual lives” but have sex with men (MSM).

DL men are often queer men who not only present in a hyper masculine fashion, but also cling to a heterosexual identity for the status and protection it provides them.

Several kings, like Emperor Hadrian of Rome, would take wives while also having male concubines. Were these men polyamorous bisexuals or were they simply closeted gay men? No one knows for sure.

Some DL men retain their title, while for others, DL is simply a pit-stop before they fully embrace their queer identity.

Gay men have also expressed engaging in playful kissing with women whilst under the influence, fantasizing about being with a woman, or even going as far as experimenting with a woman.

This can occur more than once, and the events may be separated by years if not decades. And much like straight men, many gay men who have these experiences remain just that – gay.

Unlike straight-identifying men, gay men don’t choose to remain gay because of the status and protection it provides them. There is no status and protection reserved for queer folk. They remain gay because that’s who they are.

Gay men can expand their sexuality to include infrequent attraction or intimacy with women—that is to say, identify as homoflexible—but they cannot unsubscribe from homosexuality.

As for cisgender women, society doesn’t care all that much about their orientation or behavior. Cisgender women have for the most part had the luxury to be as fluid as they like without much scrutiny.

Sexual fluidity, of course, isn’t just exclusive to cisgender folk. As a predominantly heterosexual trans woman, I have experienced attraction to women and explored this desire too.

It is absolutely possible for someone to experience different sorts of desires at different points in their lives—but a gay person is not going to lose all inherent attraction they have to folks of the same sex or gender, just like a straight person who may be a little bit fluid isn’t going to lose their attraction to the opposite sex.

If one’s own natural desire for exploration can’t change one’s sexuality, it should go without saying that religion and conversion therapy can’t either.

Maybe, just maybe, this is because straight isn’t the default we have been conditioned to believe it is. Maybe the true default is sexual fluidity.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Testosterone and Low Libido in Women

— Testosterone plays a major role in a woman’s sex drive. But if that sex drive fizzles, replacing the hormone with a supplement isn’t as simple as it sounds.

One of the issues with testosterone supplements is that they have side effects, such as acne and hair growth.

By Ashley Welch

Testosterone may be known as a male sex hormone, but women need it, too. Testosterone is part of what drives female desire, fantasy, and thoughts about sex. It also plays a role in ovarian function, bone strength, and the overall well-being of women, says Kelli Burroughs, MD, an obstetrician-gynecologist at Memorial Hermann in Houston. Yet while your testosterone level plays a key role in your sex drive, taking it in supplement form to treat low libido remains controversial.

Here’s what doctors know about testosterone’s role in low libido in women and how the hormone might be used as a treatment.

Testosterone Helps Fuel Our Sex Drive

Women’s testosterone levels gradually go down as they age, and lower amounts of the hormone can also reduce muscle mass, affect skeletal health, impact mood, cause fatigue, and decrease sensitivity in the vagina and clitoris, which affects libido, Dr. Burroughs says.

A drop in testosterone levels is believed to be the reason sex drive goes down after menopause, according to the North American Menopause Society.

Research Remains Unclear

Although it’s common for men to take testosterone to treat low libido, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) hasn’t approved testosterone replacement therapy for women. Some doctors do prescribe it for women as an off-label use, notes Jenna M. Turocy, MD, an ob-gyn at NewYork-Presbyterian Columbia University Irving Medical Center in New York City. “These products include testosterone skin patches, gels, creams or ointments, pills, implants, and injections, often designed and government-approved for men,” Dr. Turocy says.

Testosterone doses provided by these formulations generally are much too high for females, so women are given a fraction (usually one-tenth) of the dose that men are prescribed, notes Barbara Schroeder, MD, an assistant professor and ob-gyn with UTHealth Houston.

“There is no dose that we can say is absolutely safe for women,” she explains. “There are no large randomized trials that have looked at this.” That’s why Dr. Schroeder says to check baseline testosterone levels and re-check them every three to six months to make sure they’re not too high. “The goal is to aim for testosterone levels that are in the normal premenopausal range,” she adds.

Still, testosterone supplementation for women with low sex drive is rarely recommended in the United States, especially for premenopausal females, given the limited data on safety and efficacy, Turocy explains.

One of the main issues is that testosterone has side effects. Acne and hair growth at the application site are the most common, Schroeder says. Changes in your voice, weight gain, hair loss, oily skin, mood changes, and an enlarged clitoris, may also occur, Turocy adds.

But the biggest concern involves testosterone’s long-term safety in women, as no robust scientific studies have looked at potential lasting effects.

In a review of 36 randomized controlled trials published in the Lancet Diabetes & Endocrinology in October 2019, researchers determined that testosterone therapy is effective at increasing sexual function in post-menopausal women. They noted that when taken orally, testosterone was linked to significant increases in LDL, or “bad” cholesterol, and reductions in total cholesterol, HDL, or “good” cholesterol, and triglycerides. These effects were not seen with testosterone patches or creams. More importantly, the researchers concluded that “data are insufficient to draw conclusions about the effects of testosterone on musculoskeletal, cognitive, and mental health and long-term safety and use in premenopausal women.”

What Else May Help With Low Libido

If you have low libido, testosterone may help, but it’s important to weigh the benefits with the risks. Know that there are other options that may be beneficial.

“If concerned about low sex drive, women should consult a knowledgeable healthcare provider who can evaluate their individual medical history, symptoms, and hormone levels,” Turocy says. “It’s essential to take a comprehensive look at their sexual health, considering not only hormonal factors but also psychological, emotional, and relational aspects.”

Other potential causes of low sex drive, such as stress, relationship problems, medication side effects, or underlying medical conditions, like nerve issues or endometriosis, should be explored and addressed before considering hormone supplementation, she says.

Finally, don’t ignore the power of healthy lifestyle modifications. “Implementing healthy lifestyle changes such as diet and exercise can also boost energy levels and self-image perception resulting in increased libido,” Burroughs says. According to a study published in July 2021 in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, regular exercise one to six hours per week was associated with benefits in desire, arousal, lubrication and sex-related distress in women experiencing sexual dysfunction.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

How to Raise Sex Positive Kids

— And Why It’s So Important To

By

I will never forget the time I found my eight-year-old watching porn. I was in shock at first and had no idea how to handle it, but I swallowed my inhibitions and used the opportunity to open the lines of communication around sex, which went really well.
Unfortunately, many parents are not as likely to do the same. It’s just the world we live in. But that needs to change.

There are few topics as stigmatized as sex. By extension, the term “sex positive” is highly misunderstood. So what does sex positive mean? It is merely what it sounds like: having a positive attitude toward anything relating to sex. It’s a simple enough concept, yet most fail to grasp it. In fact, if you mention anything remotely sexual in a conversation, people will often laugh, get uncomfortable, feel awkward and usually make jokes. But it’s no laughing matter.

When there are teenagers going to jail for throwing babies in trash cans and dumpsters to avoid admitting to their parents they had sex and got pregnant, it’s not funny.

When there are young members of the LGBTQ+ community who would rather take their own lives than face another day of bullying, it’s not funny.

When there are children expelled, suspended, even arrested, for sharing explicit images of their “peers” on social media, it’s not funny.

When the young people in those images are cyberbullied and slut-shamed to the point of contemplating suicide, it is not funny.

We are living in a society where many still cling to yesterday’s toxic, close-minded ideals. The outdated school of thought behind everything from female anatomy to gender identity is simply not going away fast enough. So what do we do? It’s up to us as parents to break the cycle and teach our children how to think openly, be accepting, respectful and understanding of others, and to make the right decisions for themselves and their own sexual health.

I sat down with Melissa Pintor Carnagey, sexuality educator, licensed social worker and founder of Sex Positive Families, an organization that helps foster healthy attitudes toward sex in young people. Melissa believes that all children deserve holistic, comprehensive, and shame-free sexuality education so they can live informed, empowered, and safer lives. Her website is a wealth of knowledge for families, with information on a wide array of topics and tips on everything from puberty to pornography. She also hosts interactive virtual workshops for tweens, teens and their trusted adults.

I reached out to Melissa to learn how parents can begin to break the generational taboos and misconceptions around sexuality. She broke it all down for us with the points below.

Sex positivity is not sexualization.

Me: Can you define the term “sex positive”?

Melissa: There’s a misconception about what sex positivity even means or is, and some people can think that it just means being completely permissive about sex or not having limits or boundaries about sex, or that it’s about being very sexual or very erotic, partially because a lot of our media is about sexualizing and erotisizing bodies and sex.

Sex positivity really is about having an open, shame free, honest way of looking at bodies, sex, relationships, all these very human things, and taking away the taboo around it. Being sex positive doesn’t mean that you’re just having lots of sex and that that’s what defines your sex positivity. It’s not just about a person’s sex life. It’s really about making sense of your own choices and your own decisions and also respecting those of other people as well.

Start young. It’s not The Talk; it’s many talks.

Me: When should you have “the talk” with your kids?

Melissa: A lot of parents might think you need to discuss it all at once, but no. It’s definitely a series of conversations, a lot of teachable moments that happen over time. We are sending our kids messages about bodies, about identity, about relationships, about consent or lack of consent, gender identity literally from the time they’re born. So when we realize that we’re sending them these messages, we also understand that we’re creating the constructs of all of these things in our homes, in our families, and in our communities. It’s to our benefit to recognize the influence that we have and that it’s early. And then we can just get intentional about what we want to help foster with our children and that it really can be a collaboration.

Melissa: It’s so important that we normalize talking about periods, about where babies come from, and not just, staying in taboo and promoting fear around sex or seeing these things as inappropriate. Sex is how most of us get here. And kids at a young age often wonder, Where do babies come from? They see their teacher or family members that are pregnant and they have questions about that. That’s an opportunity to plant the seed that ultimately helps to foster comfortable talks about sex so that as they develop and their worldview starts to change and evolve.

But if you keep it silent, if you say, don’t ask that, that’s for adults, or you’re not supposed to talk about that, you’re not supposed to know about that, or if they can see you’re visibly uncomfortable, you shut down and you don’t open that back up to them. That’s a learned taboo. They learn, oh, I’m not allowed to talk about that. I don’t know why. But now I’m not going to ask and I’m not going to be curious. Then when you try later on, when you realize there’s a situation that comes up, and they’re like 13 or 14, and you’re trying to talk to them, they’re going to be uncomfortable because every other message that was sent, either direct or indirect, up to that point, told them that this is not okay to talk about. So they may find other unhealthy ways to learn about it.

It’s not just about sex. Early conversations should include bodily autonomy.

Me Where do you even start?

Melissa: So from the beginning parents can ask themselves, how can I be intentional or just aware of what messages I’m sending? What are my kids observing? And that it isn’t just something that’s hormones and puberty and teenage years – hopefully by then we’ve already sent them a whole lot of messages.

If we want to help foster openness around sex, then the talks might start early with consent, helping young people understand their own bodies, giving them accurate names for their body parts, especially the genitals. Help them understand safe and unsafe touch, and who is allowed to help them when they may still need help. Whether it’s going to the bathroom or bathing or changing their clothes, or at their medical appointments; these are some of those teachable moments. When they’re greeting others in the family or even in your own home, are those interactions forced, or are we inviting or asking? Are we giving options as opposed to saying go give your grandma a hug, even if they don’t want to. Bodily autonomy is a foundational aspect that ultimately will support their understanding of sex and healthy sexuality.

It’s important for parents to break the cycle instead of passing it on.

Me: How do parents overcome their own issues stemming from being raised in a non-sex positive world?

So many of us weren’t taught these things. They weren’t modeled to us. And so we may have been confused as we were experimenting with sex or relationships along our own journey. We may have actually had experiences that are abuse or trauma as opposed to sex, because sex should always involve consent. And that consent should be ongoing and clear. There are many of us that have had interactions that were not consensual, or that were coerced in different ways. And so a lot of that that is taking a look at our own understanding of these topics, how well do we know our own bodies, especially people that have vulvas, people that have vaginas and uteruses because our education system is so patriarchal and taboo and stigmatized when it comes to anything related to sexual health. There are so many of us that didn’t get the education that we needed and deserved to understand how our bodies actually work.

It’s never too late to start the conversation.

Me: What if your kids are already tweens or teens and you’ve never talked about sex with them or you weren’t as open to begin with?

Melissa: We’ve got to take the brave steps to be vulnerable and be honest and so that could sound like ‘I realized that I have not been as open as I could have been with you about bodies, about sex, about puberty, about relationships, whatever it is that you want to talk about and that’s on me. But it’s important that we learn about these things and that you know who you can turn to. So I want to change that. I would love for us to start having conversations or start you know, talking more openly about these things.’

And then that little piece opens up empathy. For many of us, it can just sound like, ‘when I was growing up, I didn’t have anyone that I could talk to about this. It wasn’t normal for us when I was your age, so then I didn’t know how to handle it as you’ve been growing up. But I’m learning. I’m learning a lot of things now and I want to make sure you have support. I want to do that differently for you. It might feel awkward, it might feel uncomfortable. That’s okay. This is something that we can work on together.’

And then you just kind of weave it into everyday moments. It isn’t about staring your kid face to face in a confrontational, high pressure kind of way. Maybe you make time to go on a walk together or you build something together or you go have an ice cream date together something that says, this is time for us. And then in the midst of that time, you naturally kind of move into something. And the more you have those one-on-one times, especially when you have more than one kid that’s really important because then they can feel special. The more that you have that you integrate that, the more you might notice that they bring up things about what’s going on in their worlds.

Self-exploration is encouraged for all genders.

Me: How do you approach the topic of masturbation with your kids, and how important is it?

One thing that I teach about when we talk about masturbation, and particularly when we talk about the clitoris, is that we need to help our kids understand and normalize what may feel good to them. This is so that they can know what does not – which ultimately helps keep them safer before they invite anyone else to play with their body. It’s important for them to understand for themselves, and that helps them establish their own boundaries, their own limits.

Unfortunately, that didn’t happen for so many of us. There are so many people with a clitoris as adults that are deep in their adulthood and still never have experienced orgasm. We can trace that back to a major lack of body literacy. There’s been no foundational understanding. But interestingly, people with penises don’t seem to have that same problem. Why do you think that is? It was 1998 when scientists discovered the full body of the clitoris. Wow, why did it take them so long to realize that this is a full body part and not just this little tip? So this is all a part of us changing this narrative on a broader level, and it starts with these conversations that we can have with our young people so that they know yes, that’s your clitoris, and yes it can feel good because it has thousands of nerve endings. Just like the penis has thousands of nerve endings. Those two body parts are homologous which means that they are made of similar structure. Just like you might explain why the heart beats or how hearing works or all the things that they learn about in school – but these things that are so vital to their safety and their well being as humans, are conveniently left out of the conversation.

You might say to your child ‘I love that you’re getting to know your body. And this is not something that we do in the living room while people are around or at the dinner table or at the grocery store. That’s something that we do in private so that you can get to know your body. These parts are really sensitive. That’s why we were clothed to cover them so that they stay protected. And no one else is allowed to touch your clitoris, your penis, your anus.’ All of that can happen in these little teachable moments.

So it’s just us getting comfortable with a new way of helping them understand – helping a new generation understand – their bodies and their rights to their own bodies.

Never punish or demean. It’s okay to be curious!

Me: I caught my child watching porn at a young age and it was stressful. How do parents handle this situation?

Melissa: The world places a lot of responsibility on us as parents, like, don’t raise a perpetrator, don’t raise a victim, all of these messages about how perfect we need to create our children’s lives. And there are going to be things that are going to happen that we may not be able to prevent – like our children finding easily-accessible porn on the internet.

I avoid words, like ‘catch them’, because then that sends that message that like oh, I caught you doing something bad. So if we find out our young person has come across porn or has been shown porn, or has been actively searching, we need to recognize that our children are not bad, they’re not demons, they’re not scarred forever. This is really an opportunity, not a threat. We can get a better understanding of what happened in the situation, not from a well ‘Why were you looking at that?’ stance. It’s important that our reaction isn’t shame-based or accusatory or punishment oriented. It’s our job as a family to help keep all of us safer. We know porn is not for children or education. It’s made for adult entertainment. So we say to them ‘It’s okay to be curious. It’s okay to be curious about bodies. It’s okay to be curious about sex. When you have questions about these things. Here’s what you can do, instead of going to Google or looking at porn, we can talk about it. You can ask me any questions you want.’ And then that goes back to whether you are truly creating a space that feels safe for them to ask, because kids will go to Google or porn or friends if they’re curious when the home isn’t feeling safe from punishment or shame.

If you simply say ‘Don’t watch porn’ it’s likely to just push them back towards it. We need to be more thoughtful and smarter about treating our young people like the whole humans that they are. Give them more credit than sometimes they’re given. They’re more likely to listen to what we have to say if they feel respected, and if they feel heard. And they know that we’re on their team, that we’re not just looking for an opportunity to punish them next. So you can say ‘ I want to make sure that you have reliable information about bodies and about sex because you deserve that. One day you’re going to make choices about sex. And I want you to feel ready when that time comes. Watching porn can send confusing, unsafe and mixed messages.. So what questions do you have about sex? How can I help you understand these things? It’s okay to be curious.’

Understand that others might have different perspectives.

Me: What do you do if your child’s other parent has a different attitude toward sex that is not as positive?

Melissa: There is often the reality that there’s a whole other person we can’t control, someone who has whole separate values, triggers, traumas related to all this stuff. It’s healthy for our kids to see and know that there are different perspectives. What you can control is, when they are curious with you, how you show up for those curiosities. Never approach them with negativity or blame or shame. You can acknowledge it like ‘ you might hear some different things about a topic, so tell me what you’ve heard about that? That’s interesting. What do you think?’ Because sharing your perspective is helping them to shape their understanding of their perspective.

Want to learn more (trust me, we barely scratched the surface) about raising sex positive kids? Sex Positive Families’ interactive workshops are held virtually and open to tweens, teens, and their trusted adults. You can also order Melissa’s book, Sex Positive Talks to Have With Kids, a bestselling comprehensive guide that helps caregivers create the kind of bond that keeps kids safer, informed, and empowered in their sexual health.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Deconstructing Stonewalling

— This toxic approach to conflict is unintentional or intentional and verbal or nonverbal

Shutting down. Clamming up. Walking out. Giving up.

We all hope that we’ll rise to the occasion and communicate clearly in tough situations — that we’ll stand up for ourselves while being respectful of the needs and feelings of the people we care about.

But sometimes, when the going gets tough, our emotional walls get higher. And with every delay, distraction and deflection — every slammed door, dismissive comment and dodged conversation — those walls become harder to scale.

Psychologist Susan Albers, PsyD, breaks down the concept of stonewalling — what it is, why it happens, and what to do if the behavior is threatening your relationships.

What is stonewalling?

Stonewalling is way of intentionally or unintentionally, verbally or nonverbally withdrawing from a conflict. While some people stonewall on purpose to assert control or do harm, the behavior is often inadvertent. Dr. Albers likens it to turning off the light switch. “You’re having a conversation and all of a sudden, the other person shuts off. Not just verbally or physically — they emotionally disengage.”

She explains that the way we talk about stonewalling in relationships is largely the result of psychologist John Gottman’s writing on the topic. His Cascade Model of Relationship Dissolution uses the imagery of “the four horsemen of the apocalypse” to describe the four ineffective communication styles that he believes can predict divorce. The four styles are:

  1. Criticism.
  2. Defensiveness.
  3. Contempt.
  4. Stonewalling.

His work is influential enough that it’s probably one of the first sources that pops up when you research “stonewalling” online. But even though the most popular writing on the topic focuses on romantic relationships, Dr. Albers says any relationship can encounter stonewalling. Best friends, coworkers, family members … you name it. Politicians stonewall all the time, as do lawyers. Heck, we all do it sometimes!

Stonewalling is a common tactic because (at least in the short term) it works. It’s a defense mechanism that stops the immediate conflict from progressing any further. And it gives the person doing the stonewalling a sense of safety and control over the situation.

But in the long term, Dr. Albers cautions that disengaging from conflict — consciously or unconsciously — can damage or even destroy a relationship.

Unintentional and intentional stonewalling

Building a wall isn’t something you do by accident, but stonewalling might be.

“Unintentional stonewalling is often a sign that someone is having difficulty coping with the conversation,” Dr. Albers explains. “They may be conflict avoidant. It might even be a fight-or-flight response: They need to escape.”

And it’s often the case that people simply don’t have the skills or capacity they need to have the conversation in that moment. “It doesn’t come from a place of wanting to disconnect or distance,” she says. “It’s just not knowing how to have that conversation in a healthy and productive way.”

She adds that stonewalling is a common tactic for people with depression or who have an anxious attachment style. Disengagement can also be a protective measure for a person who struggles with a high level of anxiety or has endured significant trauma. In that case, stonewalling may be a way to calm down and feel safe again. For people who grew up in dysfunctional households, it may be a learned behavior.

In still other cases, stonewalling is a deliberate and emotionally abusive act. A person who stonewalls on purpose is exerting control over (and often demeaning) another person by acting as if their attention and interest are a reward to be “earned.” People with narcissistic personality disorder may be especially inclined toward this behavior.

Verbal and nonverbal stonewalling

Shutting down communication will look different from person to person and situation to situation. According to Dr. Albers, stonewalling can be verbal or nonverbal.

Verbal stonewalling can take the form of “the silent treatment,” but it can be subtler than that, too. Changing the topic, only offering clipped, one- to two-word responses and refusing to answer questions can have the same effect. In some cases, there actually is a conversation happening, but one person is filibustering, or being dismissive, accusatory or aggressive in a way that’s designed to end the discussion.

Nonverbal stonewalling can be as straightforward as avoiding contact or getting up and walking away. Sometimes, it’s a question of body language — rolling one’s eyes, adopting a closed-off posture or refusing to make eye contact. Physical stonewalling can also involve shifting focus. “The biggest one I see is people taking out their phone,” Dr. Albers states. “That stops the conversation immediately.”

The best indicator that somebody’s stonewalling you is how it makes you feel. You may feel frustrated, helpless, confused, disrespected or angry.

How stonewalling can hurt a relationship

Truth be told, everybody stonewalls occasionally. We all experience moments when we just can’t, and that’s OK. It only becomes a problem for a relationship when it goes unaddressed. And if stonewalling becomes an engrained pattern — an established communication style between two people — it can be devastating.

“Stonewalling leaves conflict unresolved, and it can make the other person feel disrespected, or that their perspective isn’t important or valued.” Dr. Albers says. “Sometimes, people just give up, which creates an emotional distance that can be difficult to repair.”

How to stop stonewalling

The apocalypse metaphor Gottman uses to talk about stonewalling in relationships might make your situation feel hopeless. And sure, unlearning a behavior like stonewalling is difficult. But Dr. Albers encourages you to look on the bright side.

“The good news is stonewalling is a pattern that can be addressed,” she reassures. “Once you recognize that you’re doing it, it’s something that can be changed, and that change can do wonders for your relationship.”

So, how do you go about breaking down a wall?

Name the behavior and take a ‘time out’

Dr. Albers shares that the first thing you need to do to stop stonewalling is recognize the behavior in the moment. Particularly if you’re the one doing the stonewalling.

Labeling or naming a behavior can make a big difference because you’re offering the person you’re talking to insight into what’s happening in your head, and why.

“Tell the person you’re talking to that, ‘I’m shutting down right now.’” Dr. Albers advises. “Emphasize that what the person has to say is important, but that you need to calm down before re-engaging in the conversation.” Then, set up a time — minutes, hours or days later — to return to the discussion.

“Don’t just leave it hanging,” she urges.

Here are a few other tips for breaking through a wall — yours, or somebody else’s:

Empathize

If you’re the one doing the stonewalling, acknowledge that your need to step away from a conflict is likely impacting the other person’s feelings — that they may be frustrated, hurt or angry.

If you’re the one being stonewalled, tell the other person that you recognize how difficult it must be for them to have the conversation.

Be mindful of your body language

Are you sitting with your arms and legs crossed? Are you looking at the floor instead of the person you’re talking to? Are you clenching your jaw? Is your body rigid, your posture frozen? “Sometimes, we’re not aware that we’re giving signals that we don’t want to talk,” Dr. Albers points out.

Vocalize your needs

Change doesn’t happen overnight — especially when the thing you’re trying to change is a communication style. And conflict isn’t one-sided. That means there needs to be give and take on both sides.

At some time when you aren’t actively in conflict, have a conversation about what you each need to get through difficult conversations. If you struggle to articulate your thoughts and feelings when you’re upset, you might need time to write things out before having a tough conversation. Or maybe the other person isn’t at a place where they can maintain eye contact during a conflict, so they need to be allowed to demonstrate engagement in another way.

Accommodating each other’s needs — even in difficult moments — is a sign of respect and good faith.

Stay emotionally engaged

It’s happening. You’re shutting down, freezing up, disconnecting. You’re not able to have this conversation right now.

That’s OK. Talking isn’t everything.

“You can still engage with someone emotionally without having a conversation,” Dr. Albers offers. “Maybe you don’t leave the room. You sit next to them. You hold their hand. Even if you’re not going to be able to have that conversation, you can still be emotionally engaged.”

Respond calmly

It’s always important to be respectful in your conversations, but it’s extra important if you know that the person you’re trying to communicate with is conflict averse, anxious or has a history of trauma. Raising your voice, interrupting or adopting an aggressive posture will push a stonewaller away. Active listening skills can go a long way in a situation like this.

“Even if you don’t like what the other person is saying, respond calmly,” Dr. Albers stresses. “It’s more likely to encourage them to keep going versus shutting them down.”

See a therapist

If stonewalling has become your go-to technique for dealing with difficult situations, it could be a good idea to unpack the reasons why with a counselor. Not only can they help you sort through any underlying issues that are impacting your behavior, but they can also help you learn and practice healthier communication styles.

If there’s a specific relationship where the behavior needs to be addressed, couples, marriage or family counseling could be especially useful.

Tearing down walls and building bridges

When we stonewall, we’re emotionally disengaging from a conflict. Sometimes, we do it on purpose, and sometimes, we do it without realizing it. Stonewalling can take many forms. Sometimes it’s physical, like walking away or avoiding somebody. Sometimes, it’s giving somebody “the silent treatment.” And sometimes, we stonewall with words, by changing the subject or minimizing the situation.

Although some individuals stonewall on purpose to assert control or do harm, the behavior is often unintentional. That’s because it’s a natural response to a situation where an individual lacks the capacity to handle their feelings or communicate effectively. Stonewalling is a particularly common coping mechanism for people with anxiety, depression a history of trauma or a conflict-avoidant personality.

While it’s an understandable defense mechanism that we all employ from time to time, habitual stonewalling is toxic to relationships — be they romantic, familial, friendly or professional. It can be a tough habit to break, but it’s worth the effort. Once you recognize it’s happening — and learn to respond in a different way — your relationships with other people will be easier to navigate and (we couldn’t resist) a lot less rocky.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

How Learning Your Desire Style Could Help Spice Up Your Sex Life

By Shaeden Berry

When you hear the word “desire” do you think of burning hot passions?

A low urgent feeling in your belly?

Do you think of Hollywood movies and two lovers tearing each other’s clothes off, tucked behind the locked bathroom door of a party, because they couldn’t keep their hands off one another any longer?

And then, do you think, “can’t relate”? Not because you aren’t attracted to your partner, but because that urgent, spontaneous desire very rarely grips you. For some, that thought process can lead to feelings of shame or beginning to question whether there’s something wrong with them.

At the end of the day, no two people are the same, but it is easy to get bogged down in what you feel like you should want or should feel, rather than tapping into what you actually do crave in the bedroom. Learning whether you have a spontaneous or responsive desire style, or where you sit along the spectrum of desire may help you to understand how you approach our bedroom activities and ensure you’re getting what you really want from your sex life.

What Are Spontaneous & Responsive Desire?

We all exist on a desire spectrum, according to Georgia Grace, sexologist and co-founder of NORMAL, a queer- and women-owner wellness brand. She explains that it’s doubtful any of us will be wholly and entirely spontaneous or responsive, adding that it’s important to know these terms so we can understand there’s no one way of experiencing desire.

“Within spontaneous desire, the desire comes out of nowhere,” she tells Refinery29 Australia. “Like how it might be in the early stages of a relationship,” people who tend to experience spontaneous desire often don’t need an external influence to get them in the mood.

With responsive desire, things are different. “Your body needs a stimulus to bring sex to the front of the mind — whether it be porn, your partner kissing your neck, or even beginning the act of sex itself,” says Grace.

She explains that responsive desire is actually the most common way for people to experience desire, but between bodice-ripping romance novels and the way sex is often spoken about in popular culture, it “doesn’t get the airtime it deserves”.

If you exist on the Internet, you’re probably being fed a lot of content that references spontaneous jumping of bones, and not a lot of slow-building desire, foreplay or being introduced to the idea that many people need extra help or motivation to get in the mood for sex.

In fact, the stereotype that often plays out across our screens is a scenario featuring a long-term relationship, where amorous advances are being knocked back by one partner who’s “not in the mood”. When this is so often displayed as the tell-tale sign of a relationship being dead in the water, it’s unsurprising that many of us might feel the pressure to be spontaneously crackling with desire at all times and find ourselves wondering why we can’t just flick a switch and be instantly in the mood.

It’s also worth considering how these different desire styles are often presented as gendered. Whilst there’s not yet a scientific measurement for desire, Emily Nagoski, author of Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, cites research that indicates responsive desire is the primary desire style for about 30% of women. In an article about the concepts of desire, Nagoski also highlights how spontaneous desire is so actively pushed as the “norm” in society, when, in reality, many people will only feel desire after first experiencing pleasure (i.e. responsive desire). That means, you are not broken or wrong for not experiencing spontaneous desire, and your level of desire is not an indication of sexual wellbeing.

How Can You Navigate Differing Desire Styles In A Relationship?

Let’s return to the Hollywood movie scene we mentioned above. What if, after one party says they’re not in the mood, there was an open conversation between both parties about what could be done to help them get into the mood — perhaps not in that moment, but moving forward? What if not being in the mood wasn’t treated as an issue, but rather, something that’s actually extremely normal?

Having “desire discrepancies”, as Grace puts it, is not an uncommon phenomenon within a relationship. Grace often sees couples in sessions who have differing desire styles, i.e. where one person leans more towards spontaneous desire and the other is more responsive.

If this is something you might be experiencing, Grace suggests that rather than framing it as one person having a higher or lower libido than their partner or partners, she works to help them understand that they are just experiencing desire differently.

Perhaps the responsive partner isn’t getting enough stimulus to become aroused enough for sex, and in these cases, Grace works with them to examine what she refers to as their “brakes” and “accelerators”.

Some people can be extremely sensitive to “brakes”, which are those triggers that make us feel as if sex isn’t a good idea right now and have us finding reasons to not be aroused. They can be anything from feeling touch-fatigued, stressed, worried or even wider issues of social and cultural stresses and anxieties. Meanwhile, “accelerators” are the triggers that turn you on and can be a specific scent, setting, or a sexual act.

Grace says the key is working on becoming more aware of your brakes and accelerators and managing them, trying as best you can to remove brakes and amplify accelerators.

But the important thing is recognising that there is no right or wrong way to feel desire. We don’t need to be always raring to go. But if we are always in the mood? That’s fine too.&

The first step is figuring out how you personally experience desire, and then doing what works for you and your relationship.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

5 Simple Ways to Keep Your Sex Life Sizzling

By Shauna Harris

We all have busy schedules, routines, children, families, pets, careers, appointments, friends—shall I go on? Our lives are jam-packed with this and that, and then some more. Who even has time to read about tips to keep the flames of passion burning bright in your relationship?

That’s part of the problem; We make time for what we prioritize. We all know that life can get busy and routines can take over, but fear not. Reviving and maintaining an exciting sex life is easier than you think—let’s dive into five easy ways to keep things hot.

1. Communication is key

Think of communication as the secret ingredient that spices up the intimate moments. Open and honest discussions about your likes, dislikes, desires, fantasies, and boundaries lay the foundation for a fulfilling sex life. Create a safe space where you both feel comfortable sharing your thoughts, needs, and concerns.

Being vulnerable is exactly what is needed to elevate the heat. Exploring each other’s desires can lead to exciting discoveries and deeper emotional connections. One very helpful tip here is make sure these heart to hearts occur outside of the bedroom.

2. Prioritize quality time

Life can be a rollercoaster, and sometimes it feels like there just isn’t enough time for anything, let alone sex. Here’s the thing: prioritizing quality time together is crucial.

Schedule regular date nights or special weekends away from the hustle and bustle. Disconnect from the outside world, put away your phones, and focus on each other. Rediscovering one another in new settings can reignite the sparks and help you create lasting memories.

3. Embrace adventure together

Remember when you first started dating and everything felt like an adventure? Bring that excitement back into your sex life by trying new things together.

Explore different positions, experiment with role-play, introduce adult toys if you’re comfortable with them, or even spice things up with some sensual games. The key is to step out of your comfort zone and enjoy the journey of discovering new activities and fun things to do together.

4. Keep the flirtation alive

Flirting isn’t just for the early stages of a relationship, it’s an ongoing process that can keep your connection alive and vibrant. Send playful texts throughout the day, leave love notes in unexpected places, or simply complement each other genuinely.

Flirting isn’t just about getting each other in the mood; It’s a reminder of the strong attraction you have for one another.

5. Focus on self-care

Here’s a little secret: your personal wellbeing has a profound impact on your sex life. When you feel confident and good about yourself, it reflects in the bedroom.

Take time for self-care activities that boost your self-esteem and overall sense of happiness. Exercise, eat well, get enough sleep, meditate, read, or indulge in a hobby you love. When you’re in a positive state of mind, you’ll be more open to intimacy and enjoying the pleasures of your relationship.

Bonus tip: Laughter is an aphrodisiac

Don’t underestimate the power of laughter! Sharing lighthearted moments and inside jokes can create an intimate bond that’s truly unique to your relationship.

Whether it’s watching a funny movie, reminiscing about funny moments you’ve shared, or just letting yourselves be goofballs together, laughter can enhance the emotional connection that fuels great sex.

The takeaway

Remember, keeping your sex life sizzling is a journey that requires effort from both partners. Be patient with each other, and don’t be discouraged by hiccups along the way. It’s all part of the process of growth and exploration. If you ever find yourselves in a rut, don’t hesitate to seek guidance from a professional who can offer tailored advice to suit your specific needs.

Your sex life is an ever-evolving aspect of your relationship. By nurturing open communication, prioritizing quality time, embracing adventure, keeping the flirtation alive, and focusing on self-care, you can ensure that things continue to sizzle in the sheets.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

What is parallel play in relationships and why should you do it?

— It’s not a sex position, it’s better

By Sera Bozza

Do you feel too attached to or too independent of your partner? ‘Parallel play’ may be the secret to resurrecting your relationship – and it’s most likely not what you think.

Years ago, I was lost in my own world of Pinterest — my more wholesome version of doomscrolling — searching for “inspiration” while my ex-boyfriend was on the couch next to me, eager to start watching a movie.

But here’s the catch: he didn’t want to start the movie alone. He needed us both immersed in the movie together. Sigh.

It would have been the ultimate clapback if I had known about the ‘parallel play’ concept back then. And, no, while it may sound like a sex position (and sure, that’s one way of freezing an argument), it’s a much more efficient way for you to communicate and reclaim your solo hobbies while enjoying your couple time.

What is parallel play?

Two toddlers immersed in their own toys, sitting next to one other but not actually engaging, isn’t an anomaly; it’s known as parallel play. Mildred Parten, a sociologist, discovered it in 1929 and discovered that we start displaying this form of social engagement at age two.

Being together but absorbed in our respective activities is seen as a pillar of unconditional friendship. Regarding romantic relationships, though, we see things as much more binary. Deep conversations over romantic meals or alone time on opposite sides of the house, and with it, usually mounting resentment from one or either partner. 

Parallel play is the delight of being together with your partner without having to combine your activities. It strikes a compromise between intimacy and independence, providing shared experiences but not shared activities.

Why practising parallel play is crucial in romantic relationships

Parallel play allows both partners to create their own rhythm without stepping on each other’s toes. It’s not about ignoring each other but enjoying one other’s company while doing different things. Individually expressing yourselves so that neither feels suffocated.

Despite the fact that parallel play implies some independence, availability is still the name of the game. It’s crucial to know that if you want to share something amusing or intriguing, the other will pay to listen and respond, even if only for a few seconds.

Your companion is only an arm’s length away while you’re engrossed in your own world. It’s similar to having a safety net with loose ropes. Combining independence with closeness is an excellent approach, promoting a balanced relationship where autonomy does not trump connection.

It’s an excellent approach to maintaining personal space inside your shared space: every relationship necessitates some form of compromise. However, parallel play gives couples those rare moments when compromising takes a back seat. It’s a nod of agreement that says, ‘You have your thing, and I have mine. And that’s fine.’

Parallel play versus disconnection

It’s easy to confuse parallel with just being parallel, but here’s the difference: parallel play is an invitation to connect on different conditions, not an excuse for distance.

Parallel play is about intent rather than inattention: it is an intentional decision to do something enriching in the presence of your partner while they engage in their own enriching endeavour. It is not just about coexisting but about coexisting with purpose.

Parallel play provides a safe space to explore your personal needs and interests – and you practise self-care before sharing care. You’ll be better positioned to interact fully with your spouse later if your own interests thrive. 

Tips for parallel playing, well!

The best place to start is to sit down and decide what kinds of activities will work for this side-by-side hangout (and which won’t).

The idea is to use this time to cultivate a hobby or interest that is completely yours, not something that you and both enjoy and usually do together.

Lastly, parallel play should not be a chore. Continue to balance your time in your relationship with time spent alone, together, with friends, and in any other way that gets you closer and stronger as a couple.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

List of Sex Hormones in Females and Males

By Serenity Mirabito RN, OCN 

Sex hormones are chemicals responsible for reproduction and sexual desire. Common female sex hormones include estrogen and progesterone, while testosterone is abundant in most males.

Sex hormones are produced by the ovaries, testes, endocrine system, and adrenal glands. Menstruation, age, and certain medical conditions can cause fluctuations in sex hormones. Females and males can balance sex hormones through hormone deprivation or replacement therapy.

This article will review sex hormone production, function, and ways to achieve hormonal balance.

Sex vs. Gender

This article uses the terms “male” and “female” as labels referring to a person’s chromosomal, anatomical, or biological makeup without regard to which gender or genders they identify with.

Where Are Sex Hormones Produced?

Females and males have different sex hormones. However, they do share some of the same ones but each with different functions.

Females

The main hormones that contribute to sexual health and desire in females are estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone. Although the ovaries are responsible for most female sex hormones, other tissues can also produce them. These include:1

  • Estrogen (estradiol, estrone, estriol): Although made primarily by the ovaries, estrogen is also produced by the adrenal glands and adipose (fat) tissue.
  • Progesterone: Besides the ovaries, progesterone is produced by the adrenal cortex, corpus luteum, and placenta.
  • Testosterone: Although more abundant in males, testosterone is also essential in females. Testosterone is made in small amounts by the ovaries and adrenal glands.

Males

Androgens are the main sex hormones produced by males. Androgens are responsible for male characteristics and reproduction. Several types of androgens are made in the male body, which include:1

  • Testosterone: Produced in the Leydig cells of the testes and small amounts in the adrenal gland.
  • Dihydrotestosterone (DHT): In adults, about 10% of testosterone is metabolized into DHT by the enzyme 5-alpha reductase. A rise in DHT levels initiates puberty in younger males.
  • Estrogen: This hormone plays a vital role in males. In addition to being produced by the testes, the enzyme aromatase converts testosterone into estrogen.2

Function of Each Sex Hormone

Sex hormones are not only responsible for sexuality and fertility but also are crucial for the growth and development of muscles and organs.1 Additionally, sex hormones help prevent medical conditions such as cardiovascular disease and bone deterioration.

Growth and Development

Estrogen is responsible for the sexual and reproductive development of females. Breast development, pubic and armpit hair, and the start of menstruation are all influenced by estrogen.1

Progesterone contributes to a healthy uterine lining for the implantation and growth of a fertilized egg.3 Progesterone is also essential for maintaining pregnancy and reducing bleeding and miscarriage.

Testosterone and DHT initiate puberty in young males.1 These hormones are responsible for penile and testicular growth, growth in height, and facial hair growth.

Arousal

Estrogen and testosterone are the main hormones affecting arousal and sexual desire. In females, the menstrual cycle causes fluctuations in sex hormones, resulting in feeling more aroused just before ovulation, when estrogen levels are at their highest.4

High levels of progesterone, however, can cause a decrease in sexual desire. Although testosterone may increase libido in some females, estrogen is the primary sex hormone linked to female sexual desire.4

In males, testosterone levels correlate to male libido. Age, obesity, and hypogonadism decrease testosterone, thereby reducing sexual arousal.

Organ Health

Estrogen and testosterone are important in preserving muscle strength as you age. In the first year of menopause, for example, about 80% of a female’s estrogen is lost, resulting in significant muscle loss and frailty.

Decreased estrogen levels can lead to osteoporosis (decrease in bone mass and density) and increased risk of cardiovascular events. Testosterone improves cachexia (complicated metabolic syndrome characterized by muscle mass loss) in cancer and other inflammatory-based conditions.5

Immune System

One study showcased how sex hormones influence immune system cells. Androgens (testosterone and DHT) and progesterone boost an immunosuppressive response (improving autoimmune disorders), while estrogen strengthens humoral immunity (the body’s ability to fight infection). However, more research is needed.6

Mood and Brain Function

Research continues to prove that sex hormones affect the entire brain. Depression, memory loss, brain plasticity, and mood disorders result from decreasing estrogen levels. Cognitive impairment during menopause has been shown to improve with estrogen treatment and may protect against stroke damage, Alzheimer’s disease and Parkinson’s disease.7

How Sex Hormones Fluctuate

Hormone fluctuation is normal in both sexes. Premenopausal females will experience hormonal changes throughout the menstrual cycle. Estrogen and progesterone levels are low just before the start of menstruation but are higher around ovulation. As females age, sex hormone levels drop, leading to menopause.8

In males, testosterone levels are highest in the morning and decrease throughout the day. Testosterone decreases at 1% to 3% yearly between 35 and 40.5

Sex Hormone Disorders

Sex hormone disorders can affect physical and mental quality of life. In some instances, they can even be deadly. Types of sex hormone disorders include:

  • Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD): Due to falling levels of estrogen and progesterone 10 to 14 days before menstruation, severe depression and anxiety can be experienced by some females. PMDD affects approximately 5% of premenopausal females.9
  • Menopause: Females 45 to 55 will begin to notice the inevitable symptoms of decreasing estrogen and progesterone levels. Brain fog, reduced muscle mass, and hot flashes are common symptoms of menopause.10
  • Erectile dysfunction (ED): As testosterone levels fade with age, having and maintaining an erection can be difficult. ED usually occurs in men over age 50.11
  • Hyperestrogenism (high estrogen levels): Too much estrogen can cause certain types of cancer, polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), and infertility.
  • Hyperandrogenism (high androgen levels): Too much testosterone can cause PCOS, hirsutism, acne, male-pattern baldness, menstrual irregularities, infertility, and virilization.

Can You Balance Sex Hormones?

Understanding the cause of sex hormone imbalances is essential to creating a treatment plan. If the sex hormone imbalance is due to a medical condition, then treating that condition should be considered. If the hormonal imbalance is due to aging or there is no treatment for the cause, then the following options could help improve sex hormone imbalances.

  • Lifestyle: Eating a well-balanced diet, exercising, maintaining a healthy weight, eliminating alcohol use, and getting enough sleep can impact hormone levels in a positive way.12
  • Herbs and supplements: Some herbs and supplements claim to restore hormonal balance. Nigella sativa could increase estrogen levels, improving the symptoms of menopause.13
  • Hormone therapy (HT): Replacing estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone with synthetic (human-made) forms can help increase low levels of sex hormones. HT can be given as oral medication, patches, creams, vaginal suppositories, subdermal pellets, or injections. Birth control is a form of hormone therapy. HRT is also a vital part of gender-affirming care.14
  • Hormone deprivation therapy: Some medications block hormones, reducing the effects of having too much of a particular hormone. Aromatase inhibitors, for example, prevent estrogen production, and gonadotropin-releasing hormone analogs and antagonists are used to block estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone. Gonadotropin-releasing hormone analogs are used to pause puberty in youths undergoing gender-affirming care.14

If you’re experiencing symptoms of sex hormone imbalances, talk to a healthcare provider about having a sex hormone blood test done to help identify potential imbalances.

Summary

Estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, and dihydrotestosterone (DHT) are sex hormones in males and females. Sex hormones are important in reproduction, fertility, sexual desire, and overall health. Sex hormones fluctuate with the menstrual cycle and with age.

There are several ways you can balance sex hormones, including lifestyle changes and medications. Talk to a healthcare provider if you believe you’re experiencing symptoms of a sex hormone imbalance.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Silver daddies

— Why do young adult men like older partners?

By Sachintha Wickramasinghe

You’ve probably heard of “sugar daddies.” Or “the internet’s daddy,” Pedro Pascal. Stereotypes of this popular term abound, but what does it actually mean to be a “daddy”? And who is most likely to engage in age-gap relationships, and why?

Daddies of a Different Kind, published today by UBC sociologist and assistant professor Dr. Tony Silva (he/him), analyzes the stories of gay and bisexual daddies and asks why younger adult men are interested in older men for sex and relationships.

We spoke to Dr. Silva about his findings.

What is a daddy and why were you interested in studying them?

sugar daddies,Daddies of a Different Kind,daddy,queer relationships,queer men,homosexual relationships
Front cover of Dr. Tony Silva’s new book, Daddies of a Different Kind.

Many people think of a daddy as a desirable, confident older man who may be paired with a younger partner. The term has gained popularity in recent years, and while it is used in the context of heterosexual, gay or bisexual relationships, research across the Western world shows that age-gap relationships are far more prevalent among gay and bisexual men than any other group. I was interested in finding out why, and learning more about the older men who identify or are perceived as daddies, and what it means to them.

For this book, I interviewed men in their twenties and thirties who partnered with older men, and men in their forties through late sixties who partnered with younger adult men in their twenties and thirties. Some of the older men actively identified as daddies, while others did not necessarily identify that way, but still fulfilled a daddy role and were aware that others saw them as daddies.

What does it mean to be a daddy?

For many of the older men I spoke to, being a daddy was not just about age and sexual and romantic partnerships, but also a sense of responsibility, mentorship and guidance.

As daddies, they saw themselves as providing emotional support, wisdom and life experience to their younger partners: whether that means helping younger adult men figure out career paths, how to come out, or how to integrate into gay and bisexual communities.

For many older men, it was also a point of pride and self-worth, as they felt that their age and experience made them more attractive and desirable to younger men.

The youngest daddy I interviewed was 43, and in general, men started seeing themselves as daddies in their 40s. Contrary to the popular stereotype of older men going after younger guys, it was often younger men who approached them on dating apps once they had silver hair or had other physical markers of aging, and that really sparked their transformation into a daddy.

What do the younger men get out these age-gap relationships?

Some of the reasons why the younger adult men pursued age-gap relationships included a preference for emotionally mature partners, finding older men physically attractive and a desire to learn from older men. Many of the younger adult men also found age-gap pairings sexually exciting and emotionally fulfilling and were drawn by the idea of having a mentor or role model in their partner.

Whether gay or straight, age-gap relationships can involve a power difference. How did the men you spoke to navigate that?

In most cases, there was a sense of responsibility the older men felt to make sure they treated younger adult men with a particular care and made sure they didn’t disadvantage the younger adult man in any way. In contrast to what many people assume, I found little evidence of widespread power differences that harmed either the younger or older men.

For many men, these cross-generational connections between adults seem like they’re a major part of what it means to be a gay or bisexual man today. According to some demographic research I’m currently working on, it looks like these relationships are actually becoming more common, not less.

But there’s still a lot of stigma and misinterpretation around age-gap relationships, so even though many of the men I spoke to were openly gay or bisexual, they don’t always talk about their age-gap relationships outside of other LGBT groups. This research helps us move beyond stereotypes.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!