— It’s not a sex position, it’s better
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Do you feel too attached to or too independent of your partner? ‘Parallel play’ may be the secret to resurrecting your relationship – and it’s most likely not what you think.
Years ago, I was lost in my own world of Pinterest — my more wholesome version of doomscrolling — searching for “inspiration” while my ex-boyfriend was on the couch next to me, eager to start watching a movie.
But here’s the catch: he didn’t want to start the movie alone. He needed us both immersed in the movie together. Sigh.
It would have been the ultimate clapback if I had known about the ‘parallel play’ concept back then. And, no, while it may sound like a sex position (and sure, that’s one way of freezing an argument), it’s a much more efficient way for you to communicate and reclaim your solo hobbies while enjoying your couple time.
What is parallel play?
Two toddlers immersed in their own toys, sitting next to one other but not actually engaging, isn’t an anomaly; it’s known as parallel play. Mildred Parten, a sociologist, discovered it in 1929 and discovered that we start displaying this form of social engagement at age two.
Being together but absorbed in our respective activities is seen as a pillar of unconditional friendship. Regarding romantic relationships, though, we see things as much more binary. Deep conversations over romantic meals or alone time on opposite sides of the house, and with it, usually mounting resentment from one or either partner.
Parallel play is the delight of being together with your partner without having to combine your activities. It strikes a compromise between intimacy and independence, providing shared experiences but not shared activities.
Why practising parallel play is crucial in romantic relationships
Parallel play allows both partners to create their own rhythm without stepping on each other’s toes. It’s not about ignoring each other but enjoying one other’s company while doing different things. Individually expressing yourselves so that neither feels suffocated.
Despite the fact that parallel play implies some independence, availability is still the name of the game. It’s crucial to know that if you want to share something amusing or intriguing, the other will pay to listen and respond, even if only for a few seconds.
Your companion is only an arm’s length away while you’re engrossed in your own world. It’s similar to having a safety net with loose ropes. Combining independence with closeness is an excellent approach, promoting a balanced relationship where autonomy does not trump connection.
It’s an excellent approach to maintaining personal space inside your shared space: every relationship necessitates some form of compromise. However, parallel play gives couples those rare moments when compromising takes a back seat. It’s a nod of agreement that says, ‘You have your thing, and I have mine. And that’s fine.’
Parallel play versus disconnection
It’s easy to confuse parallel with just being parallel, but here’s the difference: parallel play is an invitation to connect on different conditions, not an excuse for distance.
Parallel play is about intent rather than inattention: it is an intentional decision to do something enriching in the presence of your partner while they engage in their own enriching endeavour. It is not just about coexisting but about coexisting with purpose.
Parallel play provides a safe space to explore your personal needs and interests – and you practise self-care before sharing care. You’ll be better positioned to interact fully with your spouse later if your own interests thrive.
Tips for parallel playing, well!
The best place to start is to sit down and decide what kinds of activities will work for this side-by-side hangout (and which won’t).
The idea is to use this time to cultivate a hobby or interest that is completely yours, not something that you and both enjoy and usually do together.
Lastly, parallel play should not be a chore. Continue to balance your time in your relationship with time spent alone, together, with friends, and in any other way that gets you closer and stronger as a couple.
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