How To Teach Girls What A Healthy Relationship Looks Like, Early On

by Kimberly Wolf, M.Ed.

Love is one of the highest-impact subjects you can teach. Fortunately, it’s also one of the easiest to broach.

If you’re tempted to open up a discussion of romantic relationships with “no dating until you’re 30!” you wouldn’t be alone or entirely misguided. Throughout history, conventional wisdom held that fathers should teach their daughters about the perils of love, stop their potential ravishers at the door, and avenge their heartbreaks.

While your role has evolved, and dad jokes about scaring dates away are far past their prime, there are some real dangers you want to address. Identifying these risks can help your daughter recognize any potentially harmful patterns in her relationships and help her avoid or address them early on:

The risks of romantic relationships:

  • Loss of personal identity. Girls can become so wrapped up in their romantic relationships that they get distracted from schoolwork, let their friendships slip, and devote less focus to their own passions.
  • Emotional distress. Fights, disappointment, and heartbreak can send girls spiraling.
  • Risky sexual behavior. If girls’ relationships become intimate, there is the chance for risky sexual behavior to occur. Girls need to be educated about sexual health.
  • Dating violence. Dating violence, including sexual misconduct, is a matter of international concern.

The building blocks of healthy relationships.

Some of these building blocks may seem obvious, but you can’t take for granted that your daughter will figure them out easily. Telling her the basics can make a positive difference, saving her time and limiting confusion and heartache. Here are some characteristics of good relationships:

  • Partners feel happy and content in the relationship most of the time.
  • There are strong feelings of psychological safety and joy and low levels of drama and jealousy.
  • Partners feel accepted. They don’t feel pressured to change their appearance, values, hobbies, or other personal characteristics.
  • Partners maintain their personal identities and activities and stay focused on their individual goals and responsibilities, enjoying their relationship as just one part of their lives.
  • Partners share a strong emotional connection, not just a physical connection.
  • Partners communicate openly and directly to voice boundaries, build trust, and solve conflicts quickly.
  • Partners speak and act kindly to each other, boosting each other’s self-esteem.
  • Partners are not physically violent.
  • Partners end relationships respectfully.

Red flags in relationships.

Discussion of potential red flags also has an important place in this conversation. Here are some concerning signs your daughter should be aware of:

  • Feeling like a romantic partner is excessively jealous.
  • When a romantic partner acts controlling or tries to dictate what their significant other is allowed to do, where they can go, and who they can spend time with outside the relationship.
  • A partner feels guilty, like they can’t do anything right, or that they are “in trouble” with their romantic partner often.
  • Any type of physical violence or threat of violence.
  • Any type of sexual violence.

Girls’ common questions and concerns.

Why it seems like “everyone is in a relationship.”

Explain that for a lot of reasons, it might feel to your daughter like she is the only one not in a relationship. It’s easy to focus on what others have. A lot of movies depicting life in middle and high school focus on a love story, which makes it seem like having a relationship in your teens is something that needs to happen or should always happen. And romantic relationships are glorified and depicted in the music girls listen to and the Netflix shows they binge. Since our culture places so much value on relationships, it makes total sense she may feel like the only single person at one time or another.

Make sure she knows that most people have their first relationships after high school and that relationships don’t always happen on our timelines. Relationships are about connecting with the right person at the right time. And make sure she realizes that lots of people have the moment she is having, where they feel like they are the only one without a significant other. Her time to be with someone will happen, and it will be worth the wait.

With this approach, you are making her feel heard, honoring her feelings, and reassuring her while also offering her facts to back up a different point of view. She may not be in the mood to consider her situation from a different perspective, but she may come back to it later.

How to get into a relationship.

This is another common question for girls. Mention that relationships begin in all different ways. Help her see the benefit in spending time with people who make her happy and who make her feel relaxed and confident. Sometimes, girls focus on crushes who don’t have the same feelings or who are interested in other people. Encourage your daughter to really pay attention in these moments, noticing whether certain crushes and relationships actually make her happy. Explain that you can’t always choose the way you feel or who you are attracted to, but you always have the ability to change your focus to the people you feel comfortable around and who value you.

Things to say:

  • I love you.
  • Love is an important part of life.
  • Healthy relationships can be a fun and meaningful part of life.
  • It can feel like everyone else is in a relationship, but that isn’t the case.
  • Relationships should add to your sense of inner peace and confidence, not cause anxiety.
  • You should never feel like you have to change or be uncomfortable to make someone else happy.
  • Trust your gut feelings about someone.
  • Jealousy, controlling behaviors, and violence are not markers of authentic love.
  • Be truthful and kind in relationships.

Things to not say:

  • You’re not dating until you’re 30.
  • Relationships don’t matter right now; focus on your homework and friendships.
  • You’re too young to be in love.
  • You don’t know what love is.
  • Relationships never work out.
  • All men are dogs.

Questions to ask:

The topic of love and relationships comes up in a song, TV show, or movie. Ask:

  • Do you think the way they are talking about love is realistic?
  • Do you think the media sets healthy expectations for real-life relationships?
  • Do you think the media influences the way your friends view love and relationships? How?
  • Who do you think are the most realistic TV or movie couples? Why?

Your daughter and her friends are talking about crushes and/or significant others in your presence. Later on, ask:

  • Do you think most people you know in relationships are happy? Or do people get caught up in the drama?
  • Do you feel like your friends are always respectful and caring when talking about other people’s relationships?
  • What do you think are the best things about relationships right now?
  • What is most exciting to you about relationships?

Your daughter is in a relationship that seems positive. Ask:

  • What is your favorite thing about [name]?
  • Are there ways you feel that being in this relationship is helping you?
  • What do you feel like you’ve learned so far about relationships?
  • What are the ways you communicate best together?

Beyond the conversation: modeling healthy relational behaviors.

When it comes to teaching your daughter to recognize healthy relationships and incorporate healthy relationship strategies, the example you set is paramount. You don’t have to be perfect, but whenever possible, model the habits you hope your daughter will form, even in trying times. Show her what it means to treat loved ones with respect and resolve conflicts in caring ways. If you have a romantic partner, be mindful of cultivating healthy relationship dynamics together. Your daughter will notice and develop expectations for her relationships based in great part on your actions and behaviors.

Complete Article HERE!

7 red flags that you’re being groomed

— How to spot the difference between a well-meaning adult and a predator

It’s normal to have mentors, but they should never ask to see you alone.

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  • Grooming is the process of normalizing inappropriate behavior between minors and adults. 
  • If an adult tells you to keep secrets or starts giving you gifts out of nowhere, it may be a red flag. 
  • It’s also not normal for an adult to want to spend lots of alone time with you or offer you alcohol.

If you’re a minor who’s encountering unusual behavior from an adult — like love bombing or asking to spend a lot of alone, you may be a victim of grooming.

Grooming is a set of actions that an adult takes to subtly or overtly assert inappropriate control and power over a vulnerable person, like a child,” says Kyle Zrenchik, a licensed family and marriage therapist and co-owner of All In Therapy Clinic.

Adults groom to slowly normalize an abnormal relationship, manipulating the young person to believe that they’re safe, trustworthy, and that the nature of the relationship is normal –– when in reality it’s anything but that.

“The ultimate goal of grooming is abuse,” says Rachel Wright, a licensed marriage and family therapist and psychotherapist in private practice. This means a groomer may engage in sexual, physical, or emotional abuse. Or, they might even force their victim to do violent or illegal acts, Wright says.

Here are seven signs of grooming to be on the lookout for.

1. They’re taking a quick, significant interest in you and your life

Sure, it’s nice when someone’s interested in what’s going on in your life. However, it can be alarming if it’s excessive or coming out of nowhere. 

Wright says that behaviors could indicate grooming are:

  • Texting or trying to contact you all the time
  • Making promises quickly
  • Giving you gifts out of nowhere 

Groomers work very hard to befriend their victims and earn their trust, says Wright. By taking a lot of interest in you and weaseling their way into your life, they’re ultimately manipulating you and likely going to eventually start asking for something in return.

2. They tell you to keep secrets

If someone is sharing sensitive information with you or engaging in certain behaviors with you and telling you to keep it a secret, this could be indicative of grooming, says Zrenchik.

Zrenchik says a couple of examples of this could look like a groomer saying:

  • “Don’t tell your mom, but I think she’s really hard on you. You’re a better kid than that and you really deserve somebody who realizes how special and amazing you are…but don’t tell her I said that.”
  • “Don’t tell anybody that I rubbed your back. It’s just us being friends –– other people wouldn’t understand. So don’t tell them because they wouldn’t get it.”

3. They discuss inappropriate adult topics with you

Groomers may bring up unnecessary and inappropriate topics in conversation with you. Zrenchik says they may try to discuss:

  • Their intimate relationships
  • Their marriage
  • Sex

Or they might bring up topics that seem a bit more harmless, like problems at work or with friends, Zrenchik. But the problem lies within how heavily they rely on you for emotional support or comfort.

For example, they may try to excessively call you, cry to you, or ask for lots of hugs. You should not be responsible for taking care of an adult’s emotional needs, and if an adult makes you feel this way, it’s a big red flag.

“An adult is supposed to comfort a child –– not vice versa,” Zrenchik says.

4. They try to fulfill your needs

When someone is going out of their way to spend time with you and listen to you, it can certainly feel flattering, but ultimately, it’s a manipulation tactic by the groomer, says Zrenchik.

Wright says if you tell an adult that you’re struggling with something or that you have nobody else to talk to, they will use this opportunity to get closer to you. They may even go overboard showing up as your confidant.

“This person will make themselves readily available to be there to hear all the details so that you can confide in them. They get information, you bond to them. It’s a win-win…until it’s not,” Wright says.

Ultimately, it’s about getting you to rely on them for comfort: “In becoming reliant and trusting of this person, you wind up feeling brainwashed, doing things you wouldn’t typically do, and feel close to this person who has manipulated you,” Wright says.

5. They try to spend time alone with you

It’s common for groomers to try to get their victims alone so they can do and say things that they wouldn’t be able to around other adults, says Zrenchik. Additionally, this gives them a chance to feel it out and read how you respond to this behavior, testing the waters, so to speak.

The groomer may suggest this alone time in a way that seems innocuous, such as asking for help around their house, or saying they have an extra ticket to an event and no one to go with, Zrenchik says.

It’s easy for the line to be blurry here. A 2014 review states that some of this behavior —for example, a well-meaning mentor taking time to help you with an extracurricular interest — is not nefarious. But the review notes that groomers can use that to their advantage, making the scenario seem “normal” when it’s not.

But if someone is always trying to get you alone and insists that your parents or other adults don’t need to be there, it may be a way of isolating you.

“Abusers don’t want anyone figuring out what they’re doing so the less other people in the person their grooming’s life knows about them, the better. The isolation is about control,” Wright says.

6. They give you drugs or alcohol

If an adult is providing you with drugs or alcohol, this is a dangerous sign, says Zrenchik. According to a 2022 study, groomers use substances as a “tool” to aid in the abuse. This is because mind-altering substances can lower a victim’s inhibitions or their ability to consent.

Furthermore, this can be another attempt for the groomer to make the victim feel special, or even more grown-up, setting the stage for further abuse.

7. They’re touchy

While sexual touch is a more obvious sign of grooming or abuse, an adult might also engage in inappropriate touch by massaging or tickling you, Zrenchik says.

It’s common for groomers to start out with “innocent” touch in an effort to desensitize you to it, so they can later progress to more intense inappropriate touch.

Furthermore, according to the same 2014 review, it’s not unlikely for groomers to claim that their inappropriate touching is accidental.

Insider’s takeaway

Grooming is dangerous –– however, it isn’t always easy to spot when you’re a victim of it due to its often subtle nature. Be on the lookout for signs like attempts at alone time, adult conversations, or inappropriate touching. Trust your gut when you think something is wrong.

If you’re a minor and you think an adult is grooming you, it is imperative to distance yourself from the groomer and to tell a trusted adult, like a parent or school counselor, to prevent further abuse and stay safe.

Complete Article HERE!

How to Have Good (and Safe!) Sex in College

From prioritizing pleasure to planning ahead.

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Sexual freedom and exploration can be one of the most exciting parts of the transition to college life: Living on campus can put you in a hyper-horny environment in which the things you’ve only wondered or fantasized about are now possibilities to explore. As exhilarating as that may sound, though, it can also be a bit overwhelming—especially if you’re new to living on your own or starting to be sexually active for the first time.

Not to kill the mood, but much like coming up with a studying schedule can help you achieve academic success, making a plan for your sexual health is one of the best ways to set yourself up for a satisfying college sex life. After all, when you prioritize your sexual well-being, you have more control over what unfolds, which can make for more positive experiences (in the short and long term).

And even if you’re not sexually active, sexual health is a part of your overall health, so it’s important to take care of it regardless—whether you’re not having sex or can’t wait to have as much sex as possible. Here, we asked sexual health experts for their best advice for the newly-minted undergrad.

1. Prioritize pleasure as you explore your sexuality.

Sexual education is seriously lacking in most states (only 20 require that high school curriculums include information on contraception use, for example, per the Guttmacher Institute). And even if you consider yourself well-educated regarding stuff like preventing pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, that alone won’t necessarily make for a satisfying sex life. “Even if you did get sex ed, it was probably about how sex will kill you, not that sex should feel good,” Jennifer Lincoln, MD, a board-certified ob-gyn practicing in Portland, Oregon, tells SELF.

When it comes to sexual pleasure, talking to your partner about what feels good to you (and them) is essential, says Dr. Lincoln. And getting curious about your own body through masturbation can also help you discover what gets you off, Lee Phillips, PhD, a licensed sex therapist who practices in New York City, tells SELF. Solo sex sessions are a great way to figure out what types of stimulation you prefer, he says, whether you plan to get another person involved in your pleasure or not.

You can also visit inclusive sex education sites like Scarleteen—which gives practical, relatable advice on everything from masturbation to porn preferences—or read actually helpful sex ed books like S.E.X.: The All-You-Need-To-Know Sexuality Guide to Get You Through Your Teens and Twenties (by Scarleteen founder Heather Corinna) to help you figure out who and what turns you on. Streaming sexy movies can also be a fun way to discover what you’re into. (To help you get, um, going, here’s some more orgasm inspiration from SELF.)

2. Find out what types of sexual-health support are available on-campus.

Access to a campus health center or clinic is usually included in your annual fees, for example, but some schools may bill through your parents’ health insurance. The clinic may be taking new patients, or it might be difficult to get an appointment. Your college might offer free on-campus testing for sexually transmitted infections (STIs), annual ob-gyn visits, emergency contraceptives, and abortion care, or they might not have any of these services. You can ask a rep at student services or your campus health center to find out what’s available to you.

Regardless of whether you get care through your college, a local Planned Parenthood clinic, or another provider who isn’t associated with your campus, you’ll also probably want to know how your provider handles information you might like kept confidential, like prescriptions for birth control, says Dr. Lincoln. For example, even though you have a legal right to medical privacy, your parents might get statements that show you visited an ob-gyn if you go through their insurance for the visit. Dr. Lincoln says you can ask your provider what types of information the insured party might get in the mail and notes that a Planned Parenthood or campus-based clinic is more likely to be discreet.

If you live in a dorm, your resident assistant may also have some answers to your questions about your school’s sexual-health services, including those that are specific to the LGBTQ+ community. For example, at least 149 colleges and universities offer insurance plans that cover hormones and gender-affirming surgeries for transitioning students, according to data collected by the nonprofit Campus Pride.

And even if you aren’t sexually active at the moment, it’s a good idea to get familiar with the health care services you have available so that you feel comfortable using them if and when you need them. If you have a vagina, it’s particularly important to have a provider to speak to when you suspect that you have an infection, such as bacterial vaginosis, a yeast infection, or a UTI, as you’ll want to get speedy treatment.

3. If you want to avoid pregnancy, decide on a contraception plan.

Using a condom during sex can significantly reduce your odds of getting an STI or becoming pregnant—with perfect use, they’re effective at pregnancy prevention 98% of the time. But user error is common: In a 2017 analysis of contraceptive failure published in Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, condoms had, on average, a 13% failure rate over the span of one year. In other words, if you’re having the kind of sex that can lead to pregnancy, ideally, you’ll have a backup method of birth control.

Choosing a birth control method can be daunting, though, since there are so many options available, says Dr. Lincoln. Your best bet is to do a little research beforehand so that you have an idea of what method would work best for you. “It’s important to go to legitimate sources, and not TikTok, which can scare you off just about every birth control option,” Dr. Lincoln says. She points out that experiences with birth control that you might see on social media are pretty much like online business reviews: People only share “if it’s really awesome or really horrible.”

Dr. Lincoln recommends FindMyMethod and Bedsider.org as sites to consult as you start your research. Once you’ve compiled a list of pros, cons, and potential side effects for a few birth control options, you’ll be more empowered for a conversation with your provider.

4. Understand when to get tested for STIs.

STIs can be an unfortunate part of being sexually active. That’s true even if you aren’t engaging in penetrative sex of any kind. If body fluids like saliva, semen, or vaginal secretions are getting swapped, your risk of infection will never be zero, Kristen Mark, PhD, a professor of family medicine and community health at the University of Minnesota Medical School’s Institute for Sexual and Gender Health, tells SELF.

The National Institute of Health (NIH) points out that many STIs don’t have any obvious symptoms, so there’s often no way to tell if you’ve got one. Whether you’re between partners, engaging with a new partner, or have never been tested before, if you’re sexually active, STI testing should be part of your health care routine, says Dr. Mark.

You can visit your campus clinic or go to your general practitioner or ob-gyn to get tested for STIs. If a test is positive, your health care provider will talk you through your treatment options. You may need to take a course of antibiotics to clear things up, in the case of bacterial infections like chlamydia and gonorrhea, or begin antiviral medication to reduce your symptoms from viral infections like HIV or genital herpes. You’ll also be advised to contact any recent sexual partners to let them know they should get tested as well—it might not be the sexiest conversation, but it’s the right thing to do.

5. Know how to give and receive consent.

It sucks that we even have to talk about this, but sexual assault regularly happens on college campuses. One in five women in college experience some form of sexual assault, according to the United States Office on Women’s Health, and it’s more likely to occur within the first two semesters of campus living. LGBTQ+ students are also at a higher risk than their straight peers. You don’t have to live in fear, but having an emergency plan for unwanted sexual activity is an important part of sexual self-care, says Dr. Lincoln.

Start with a baseline definition of what consent really means. Planned Parenthood uses the acronym “FRIES” as an easy device for defining it: Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific. That means that if you’re feeling cornered by someone who intimidates you, that’s not consent. Agree to one type of sexual activity but then your partner tries to do something else you’re not into? That’s also not consensual.

Scarleteen has a great guide for navigating consent that clears up any confusion and gives practical tips for giving and receiving consent in a realistic, less awkward way. For example, you can phrase your enthusiasm in sexy terms—as in, “Don’t stop!” or “This feels so right”—or assure consent by framing your desires as questions (“I really want to do X sexual thing—do you want to do that too?”).

Of course, the sad and infuriating reality is that knowing what consent means isn’t always enough to help you avoid nonconsensual situations. That’s why Dr. Mark highly recommends keeping contact information in your phone for a few people you can call if you experience sexual assault or otherwise find yourself in a sexually unsafe situation—think supportive friends you can trust, your resident assistant, or your campus security officers. You can also get 24/7 confidential crisis support from a trained staff member at RAINN by calling 800-656-HOPE or using the organization’s online hotline.

6. Have a plan for when things don’t go according to plan.

Dr. Lincoln recommends having emergency contraception (EC), like Plan B (available over the counter) or Ella (which requires a prescription), on hand as well. “That way, if something happens on a Saturday night, you’re not waiting until Monday afternoon because that’s when your campus medical office opens,” Dr. Lincoln says.

It’s also important to know the abortion laws in your state and figure out where the nearest abortion clinic is. You can ask a provider or rep at your student health center which EC and abortion care options are available to you (and how and where to access them). You should also consider stocking up on cheap pregnancy tests so you can act quickly on a positive result if you need to.

7. Consider your mental health as a part of your sexual health.

Sexual relationships—or a lack thereof—can have a major impact on your mental health in college. Whether you’re dealing with a partner who’s throwing up red flags, sexual violence, behavior you regret, or just the general angst and uncertainty that can come with pursuing romantic relationships as a young adult, having a neutral third party to talk to can be incredibly helpful.

If you’re struggling with any aspect of your sexual health (including gender identity, body image, peer pressure to have sex, domestic abuse, or a sexual assault), talking to a mental health professional can help you navigate your struggles so you can feel better—mentally and physically. Your college most likely has mental health services or a counseling center available, even if you don’t live on campus. If the counseling center is booked, you can ask a rep if there are other services available in your immediate area or how to access a telehealth provider.

8. Finally, make some friends you don’t want to sleep with.

You may be revved up and ready to have all your sexual fantasies fulfilled during your college years, but the most important relationships you form on campus may end up being platonic. Both Dr. Lincoln and Dr. Mark say that building a community of friends is a form of sexual self-care.

Dr. Phillips recommends joining several on-campus groups or organizations if you’re having trouble finding your people. And Dr. Mark suggests talking about your specific sexual boundaries, expectations, and anxieties with your pals when no one is under the influence of any substance. That way, you’ll have someone who can check in with you if you’re, say, tipsy at a party and hanging out with an ex you insisted you didn’t want to hook up with.

Finally, have patience with yourself if there’s a bit of a learning curve while you figure all this sexual-health stuff out. As Dr. Mark points out, all major life transitions are hard, and becoming independent—sexually and otherwise—as a college student is a big one.

Complete Article HERE!

After Roe, teens are teaching themselves sex ed, because the adults won’t

From left: Alyson Nordstrom, Lily Swain, Emma Rose Smith and Paige Buckley, all 17, formed a group called Teens For Reproductive Rights in Tennessee in response to Roe’s fall.

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Sweating in the sun, two dozen teenagers spread themselves across picnic blankets in a grassy park and prepared to discuss the facts of life they never learned in school.

Behind them on a folding table, bouquets of pamphlets offered information teachers at school would never share — on the difference between medical and surgical abortions, and how to get them. Beside the pamphlets sat items adults at school would never give: pregnancy tests and six-packs of My Way Emergency Contraceptive.

Emma Rose Smith, 17, rose from the blankets, tucked her pale-blonde hair behind her ears and turned off the music on a small, black speaker. She faced the assembled high-schoolers, all members of her newfound group, Teens for Reproductive Rights, and began talking about the nonprofit Abortion Care Tennessee. Her words hitched at first, then tumbled in a rush.

“A little bit about them,” Emma Rose said, “is they’re an organization that funds people’s abortions if they can’t afford it. Also, by the way, there’s another organization that we can also talk about later, when we give you guys, like, resources, that actually does free mail-in abortion pills.”

Twelve days after the teens’ picnic, abortion would become illegal in Tennessee, a measure made possible by the Supreme Court’s June decision, in Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization, overturning Roe v. Wade. The students wouldn’t hear anything about it in school: State law does not require sex education, and it holds that schools in areas with high pregnancy rates must offer “family life education” focused on abstinence.

Listen to the Tennessee teens describe their experiences of sex education.

Post-Roe, the teens in the park had decided, this lack of education was no longer acceptable. They are part of a burgeoning movement of high-schoolers nationwide who, after Roe’s fall, are stepping up to demand more comprehensive lessons on reproduction, contraception and abortion — and who, if the adults refuse, are teaching each other instead.

In Utah, high-schoolers rallied outside a courthouse in May to call for accurate education on sex and abortion. In Texas, a group of teens held a virtual protest on the gaming website Minecraft to urge the state to start giving middle-schoolers lessons on birth control. Over the summer, that group — Fort Bend Students United for Reproductive Freedom — began sharing mini-sex-education lessons to its Instagram account for the benefit of peers; recent posts include “Endometrial Ablation,” “Pap smears” and “WHAT IS PCOS?” (polycystic ovary syndrome).

And in Virginia, 15-year-old Rivka Vizcardo-Lichter is organizing demonstrations outside school board meetings to pressure the Fairfax County district to offer students information about reproductive health clinics, more detailed lessons on contraceptive methods other than abstinence (it already includes the basics, but she wants more) — and access to contraception.

“Teenagers are teenagers, and some teenagers are going to have sex,” she said. “They need to be educated on how to protect themselves from unwanted pregnancies and STIs [sexually transmitted infections] and sexual risk — especially if we’re removing the right to … choose whether or not you’re having a baby.”

Twenty-nine states and the District of Columbia require that students receive sex education at school, according to a tracker maintained by the nonprofit Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States (SIECUS). Thirty states demand that schools emphasize the importance of abstinence, and 16 states mandate “abstinence-only” sex education.

What students actually learn in the classroom varies by district and even by teacher, said Laura Lindberg, a public health professor at Rutgers University who has studied sex education in the United States for three decades. But it is often “too little too late,” she said. Her research suggests that less than half of U.S. teens receive instruction on where to get birth control before having sex for the first time, and she noted that the teen birthrate in the United States — 16.7 births per 1,000 females in 2019 — is consistently among the highest in the developed world, though it has been declining in recent years.

In the Tennessee park, Emma Rose scrolled her thumb down her phone screen, squinting at the glare, to read off details of upcoming advocacy: An outdoor concert to raise money for pro-abortion groups. A protest at the Tennessee Capitol on the day the state’s abortion ban takes effect.

Then she shared how she and the group’s three co-founders, Alyson Nordstrom, Lily Swain and Paige Buckley, all 17, see the future.

“We want to start getting groups structured in different parts of Tennessee,” Emma Rose said. Each spin-off chapter would be located at a different high school throughout the state.

Then those teens, too, could start teaching each other.

‘Alone and ignorant’

In some parts of the country, teens teaching teens sex ed is not a new idea.

That includes Park City, Utah, where Carly McAleer started high school four years ago having received a sex education that “basically amounted to scaring students with really grotesque photos” of sexually transmitted infections. Utah law requires sex education in all schools but prohibits “the advocacy or encouragement of the use of contraceptive methods or devices,” instead mandating that schools “stress the importance of abstinence.”

By sophomore year, Carly, who is now 18 and uses they/them pronouns, began searching for a way to become better informed — and discovered the Planned Parenthood Teen Council program. The initiative, begun in 1989 in Washington state, trains teens to teach other schoolchildren sex education, then partners with willing private schools, school districts or community groups to host peer-led lessons on topics ranging from consent to contraception, depending on state law and school policy. Since its founding, it has expanded to 15 states, and last year 300 teens volunteered on 31 councils, according to Nadya Santiago Schober of Planned Parenthood.

Carly applied, was accepted their junior year, and was soon walking into middle-school classrooms — feeling more than a bit nervous — to lead classes on STIs and healthy relationships. Carly found that most students, starved for information, were intensely curious.

And Carly came to love moments that demonstrated the difference they were making — for example when they asked students what kind of lubricant is okay to use with condoms, “the room went silent, and so I told them a silicone-based or water-based lubricant.”

The end of Roe appears to have driven more interest in the Teen Council program, which is poised to expand, Santiago Schober said: “We are seeing an increase in the size of our groups for the year ahead.” In Utah, said L-E Baldwin, a community health educator with that state’s Planned Parenthood chapter, “we have had interest from rural parts of the state in ways we have not previously.”

Lindberg, the Rutgers professor, said the upsurge in young people advocating for comprehensive sex education is admirable, if unsurprising in a generation known for its activism on climate change, gun control and reading freedom. She cautioned that it is important would-be student-teachers pick out correct information from the plethora of misinformation available online.

“Young people can now access information in places that a generation ago weren’t an option, whether that’s a YouTube video or a Tik Tok or something on Instagram,” she said. “But they have to be careful.”

And, she warned, anyone pushing for more sex education will face stiff opposition from mostly conservative parents and lawmakers who argue that it is inappropriate and will lead students to become promiscuous — despite a large body of research that shows providing sexual health information and services to students is not linked with increased sexual activity, and the fact that a majority of American adults across political lines support sex education in schools.

Since the 1980s, when sex education became widespread in America as a means to fight HIV infection, conservatives and the religious right have steadily chipped away at the availability of sex ed nationwide, Lindberg said. And they’re especially fired up now, post-Roe and amid raging education culture wars that have delivered new laws restricting what teachers can say about race, racism, sexuality, gender identity and LGBTQ issues. As Charles Herbster, an unsuccessful gubernatorial candidate in Nebraska, put it at a rally alongside former president Donald Trump in May: “We’re going to take sex education out of the schools and put it back in the homes where it belongs.” (Herbster did not answer requests for comment

An ascendant parents’ rights movement is also working to limit what students learn in school about sex — partly through measures that increase parental control over students’ in-class reading choices and outlaw sexually explicit texts. Tiffany Justice, co-founder of the national parent group Moms for Liberty, said in an interview that “comprehensive sex ed has no place in school.” She said school districts everywhere should convene groups of parents to determine what is “age appropriate” for children to learn.

She had a message for students advocating around sex ed: “The teenagers are being pushed by activist organizations, whose purpose is making children politically literate rather than actually literate so they can become social justice warriors. That’s what the union is trying to do,” she said, referring to teachers organizations, which Justice said are pushing communist doctrine on America’s children.

In Virginia, Republican Gov. Glenn Youngkin — who won his office by campaigning on education issues — this spring signed a law that requires school districts to notify parents whenever sexually explicit material is included in lessons, and to offer students non-explicit alternatives if parents request them.

Rivka, the Fairfax County teen, believes this law imperils students’ access to sex education. She is all the more determined to persuade her school district to expand its sex-ed curriculum by teaching about more contraceptive options and reproductive health clinics, as well as offering students free contraception. Her sex-ed experience was “abstinence 100” percent of the time, she said.

Fairfax sex ed comprises “an abstinence-based … curriculum, meaning that both abstinence and contraception are included in instruction,” district spokeswoman Julie Moult said in a statement. “Contraception is included in instruction in grades 8-12,” she added, pointing to teachings about “barrier, hormonal, and surgical contraceptive methods,” including condoms. Parents can remove their children from the program if they wish.

Moult said the district mentions Planned Parenthood as a resource for “students experiencing unintended pregnancy” in 10th grade. But she said “inclusion of reproductive health clinics could be considered” by school officials in the future.

Moult previously told The Washington Post that giving students access to contraception would be “outside the scope and purpose” of sex ed. The Fairfax County School Board this spring voted to delay a series of proposed changes that would have expanded the topics covered in sex ed and ended gender segregation in some classes, an idea Rivka supports.

“We have millions of men who don’t know how a period works,” Rivka said, recalling conversations with male friends who were clueless about things like tampons and pads. “Teens are just going out into these waters alone and ignorant.”

Teens wonder: Could we do better?

In Tennessee, Alyson Nordstrom had never so much as joined a march when Roe came under threat

But on May 3, feeling the angriest she had ever been, she tapped out an Instagram message to Emma Rose Smith, who had helped organize a 10,000-strong protest after the killing of George Floyd: “I don’t know if you saw the leaking of the Roe v Wade draft opinion from the Supreme Court but me and some of my friends [are] wanting to put together something in protest of that … I was wondering if you wanted to work together.”

Emma Rose responded: “I would love too!”

The girls each brought in their friends, Lily Swain and Paige Buckley, and Teens for Reproductive Rights was born — although they didn’t finalize the name until a coffee-shop confab, when they also created an Instagram profile. Their first event was a May 7 march in Nashville Public Square Park for abortion rights; their second, a music concert in late July that raised $5,000 for Abortion Care Tennessee.

At that point, the girls started to rethink what they might accomplish. The foursome had initially thought the group was “a one-time thing,” Lily said, “but then we started hanging out and getting to know each other.” Soon, their minds turned to sex education.

Alyson, who wants to become a lawyer, recalled the lessons she sat through: “It was just, like, ‘Don’t have sex,’ [and] the guys goofed off the whole time.” Emma Rose, who wants to major in English and political science, had similar memories: “In fifth grade, they just said your boobs might grow and you might get your period. … In ninth-grade, they showed pictures of STDs [and] said this is what you’re going to get if you have sex.” Paige remembered the teacher letting the boys go to the playground while the girls learned about periods. And Lily, an Irish history buff, said what stuck out most was that her sex-ed teachers clearly didn’t want to answer any questions.

That fits with Tennessee law, where sex education cannot include instruction that encourages students to engage in “non-abstinent behavior,” and teachers could face a $500 fine if they fail to comply.

The four teens began to wonder: Could we do better?

The two-hour picnic on a superhot Saturday afternoon this month attended by about 30 students — mostly girls but a handful of boys, too was a trial run. The girls spoke briefly about issues they want to cover more later, including the implications of new state antiabortion laws. But a lot of the conversation was loose, just teens talking.

“It’s like you’re going back in time,” one girl said of Roe’s end.

“I think my concern is bringing more kids into this world,” said another. “The foster-care system is terrible.”

A boy recounted a recent chat with his devoutly Christian mother and shared advice for approaching antiabortion family members: “It can be scary. But it’s definitely worth talking with people about.”

Much of the afternoon had the vibe of a hangout, with boxes of pizza and gentle music. The teens played games of Ninja and Zap. A boy who rode up on a bike, training for his high school cycling team, offered to wear a Teens for Reproductive Rights sticker on his racing helmet.

As the clock inched to 5 p.m., Alyson sought everyone’s attention one more time. She had homework to assign.

“There’s a documentary on Netflix,” she said, raising her voice. “It’s called ‘Reversing Roe.’ It talks about, literally from early 1900s to recent — I think it came out right before the actual reversing.” She added that the film traces how abortion “became politicized, which it wasn’t originally at all.”

Teens sprawled on blankets bent their heads over phones and pamphlets to take down the name.

Complete Article HERE!

Early sexual experiences could lead to healthier sex later in life

In her research, Diana Peragine encountered study after study that suggested an early sexual debut poses a risk to sexual health and sets the stage for a long list of negative outcomes, from unplanned pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections to sexual exploitation and abuse.

“Research has traditionally cast first sexual intercourse as a young person’s sexual debut and focused on the public health concerns that it raises – documenting its onset, its causes, and its consequences as a problem behaviour not unlike adolescent drinking and drug use,” says Peragine, a doctoral candidate in psychology at the University of Toronto Mississauga.

“As a result, there’s this long body of evidence linking an earlier sexual debut to adverse sexual health outcomes.”

But Peragine wondered if the earlier studies painted a complete picture.

So, she teamed up with her colleagues and looked at the idea of sexual debut in a broader sense. That includes other important firsts beyond intercourse – such as first sexual contact, first sexual stimulation and first orgasm.

The researchers also looked at the impact these experiences had on future sexual functioning, which had rarely been covered in previous research.

They discovered that people who have these first sexual experiences earlier are more likely to have better sexual functioning later in adulthood, and those who delay these experiences are more likely to face sexual difficulties down the road.

Peragine, along with fellow U of T researchers Malvina Skorska, Jessica Maxwell and Professor Emily Impett and Associate Professor Doug VanderLaan, detailed their findings in the study “The Risks and Benefits of Being ‘Early to Bed’: Toward a Broader Understanding of Age at Sexual Debut and Sexual Health in Adulthood” in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

The researchers surveyed 3,139 adults to learn when they had sexual intercourse, sexual contact, sexual stimulation and an orgasm for the first time. Participants were also asked about their sexual history in the previous four weeks – specifically, if they had any difficulties with orgasms, desire, arousal and sexual satisfaction.

“Those with an earlier sexual debut had fewer sexual difficulties in many of these domains, and therefore healthier sexual function,” Peragine says.

She adds that it’s tricky to say exactly when an early sexual debut has occurred because “early” has been defined in many ways including before marriage, before the age of consent, before adolescence and even before the development of sexual readiness – and there’s still no consensus on its definition today.

“All these different markers have been used to define an earlier sexual debut, but none of them have really been universally agreed upon,” she says, adding that the average age for sexual intercourse among the study’s participants was 17.

The study also found that 93 per cent of participants indicated they had already had some sexual experience before engaging in intercourse, including previous sexual contact, orgasm and sexual stimulation.

Peragine says capturing sexual experiences beyond intercourse was important because adolescence is a time of sexual discovery and experimentation, and intercourse rarely marks the onset of sexual activity for young people. In fact, she says research suggests that other sexual debuts are becoming more common with each passing generation.

She adds that healthy sexual function is critical to sexual health and should be counted among the potential health outcomes of an early sexual debut.

“Heathy sexual function is a prerequisite for healthy sex, which should be pleasurable in addition to being safe and consensual,” she says. “It is also a growing priority when defining and managing sexual health. It includes an absence of difficulties with desire, arousal and orgasm, as well an absence of pain during sex and satisfaction with sexual activity.”

Peragine says the team also found that earlier exposures to some experiences, such as orgasm, seemed to bolster sexual interest and excitability. However, women tended to have these experiences years after men did – and their delay may be reflected in women’s higher rates of sexual desire and arousal disorders compared to men.

Peragine hopes the study will shed new light on early sexual experiences and the positive health impacts these events have later in life. She also hopes this research could better inform sexual education – particularly abstinence-only education.

“Abstinence-only education … stresses that no sexuality is healthy sexuality for adolescents,” she says. “Our findings not only contradict this view, but (indicate) that efforts to delay sexual activity may carry a risk themselves.

Peragine adds that abstinence-only education “might even be detrimental to young people’s sexual health in the long run – at least with respect to the capacity for functional and healthy sex.”

The research was supported by the Natural Sciences and Engineering Research Council of Canada, the Canadian Institutes of Health Research and the Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council of Canada.

Complete Article HERE!

What Is a Wet Dream?

It’s perfectly normal and can happen to both males and females

By Brandon Peters, MD

A wet dream, also known as nocturnal emission, is a spontaneous orgasm during sleep that causes a male to ejaculate (“cum”) and a female to orgasm and secrete vaginal fluids. A wet dream is a perfectly normal occurrence, especially during the teenage years or when an adult has an extended period of sexual abstinence (not having sex).

This article explains what causes wet dreams in males and females. It also describes ways to prevent wet dreams if they have become problematic for whatever reason.

A wet dream causes a spontaneous orgasm while you are asleep. An orgasm is the climax of sexual excitement centered around the genitals of both males and females.

For males, orgasm is accompanied by the propulsive release of semen (ejaculation). With females, there may the release of a clear fluid from the urethra (the tube through which urine normally exits the body) during fluid.

Sometimes, a person may only realize that they’ve had a wet dream when their bed sheets or undergarments are moist with semen or vaginal wetness. At other times, an orgasm during a wet dream can be intense enough to awaken a person.

Wet dreams may occur throughout your lives after puberty. But, they are more common during the teenage years when sex hormones are surging or during periods of prolonged sexual abstinence.1

Nocturnal emissions typically start at age 13 to 14 during the so-called middle adolescent years.2 Around 38% of teenage males experience a wet dream before learning what it even is.3

Causes of Wet Dreams

During sleep, the blood flow to your sexual organs may be increased. For males, this can lead to an erection (“hard-on”). This is the common cause of “morning wood” in which you awaken with an erection, typically without ejaculation but sometimes with preseminal fluid (“pre-cum”).

Nocturnal emissions differ in that orgasm occurs during a wet dream. The underlying cause is unknown but there are several theories. Among them:

  • Erotic dreams: Erotic dreams occurring during REM sleep may lead to orgasm. REM sleep is the stage where you will experience the most intense and vivid dreams.
  • Testosterone surge in teens: Wet dreams are linked to high testosterone levels. Testosterone, the primary sex hormone in males, will surge during the teen years right up until early adulthood.
  • Testosterone build-up: In adult males, a prolonger period of abstinence may cause the buildup of testosterone. Testosterone in males helps fuel libido (sex drive) which, in turn, can lead to a wet dream.
  • Stimulation of the genitals: It is possible that the rubbing of the genitals during sleep (such as with bed sheets or lying on your stomach) can cause unintended sexual stimulation. This might contribute to the likelihood of a wet dream.

The cause of nocturnal emission in females is less clear, in part because female wet dreams are harder to identify due to the lack of ejaculation. Only around 10% of females experience “female ejaculation” in which there is a spurt of clear fluid during orgasm.4

Not all males have wet dreams (or, perhaps, don’t recognize them if there is little ejaculate). With that said, famed sexologist Alfred Kinsey suggested that around 85% of males and females experience nocturnal emission at some point in life.5

These findings are supported in part by a 2020 study from the University of Health Sciences in Istanbul, Turkey in which 83% of Muslim boys reported having wet dreams.6

How to Prevent Wet Dreams

Some people believe there are a few ways to reduce how often wet dreams occur. One way is to have more sex or more frequent masturbation that ends with orgasm and ejaculation. This may relieve the need for males to ejaculate during sleep.

Reducing contact with the genitals might also be helpful. Try sleeping on your side or back instead of your stomach to see if it helps.

In the rare cases that wet dreams are troublesome, a doctor might prescribe a medication such as an antidepressant. These medicines might reduce the frequency of wet dreams, but they might also make it hard to ejaculate when you’re awake.

Summary

Wet dreams are when you ejaculate while sleeping, sometimes as a response to sexual dreams. They mostly happen to teenage boys or people going through periods of abstinence.

Wet dreams can be a healthy and normal part of sleep. Aside from the need to clean up clothing or bedding, there’s no particular problem.

A Word From Verywell

If you’re worried about your sexual function and how it impacts sleep, talk to a board-certified sleep doctor. Depending on the issue, they might consult another specialist, like a urologist or gynecologist.

Reassurance may be all that’s needed, but they may want to do more testing. This might give you peace of mind and better rest.

Complete Article HERE!

Now is the time to talk to your teens about birth control.

— Here’s how.

By

The Supreme Court ruling in Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization is likely to affect abortion access in roughly half the states, most of which either don’t mandate sex education or offer sex education that emphasizes abstinence, an approach that, research shows, does not encourage adolescents to delay intercourse or reduce the risks that accompany it.

But parents can and should fill the sex education gap, says Laura Widman, an associate professor of psychology at North Carolina State University.

“The Supreme Court ruling makes it more important than ever that we equip teens with all the tools they need to prevent unintended pregnancies,” said Widman, who researches adolescent sexual health. “In all states, and especially in states that are not providing comprehensive sex education in schools, parents have a critical role to play in discussing pregnancy prevention with their kids.”

She understands parents’ hesitance to talk to their kids on the important yet awkward topics of sex and birth control, however. “Oftentimes that anxiety of, ‘I don’t want to say the wrong thing. I don’t want to screw up my kid permanently’ becomes such a barrier that parents say nothing.”

We talked to Widman and others about how parents who would like their kids to use birth control when they become sexually active can best approach the topic.

Toss out any presuppositions of having “the talk” with your children. Building a relationship of openness and support about all aspects of sexuality means having many age-appropriate discussions with your kids, experts said.

“I think it’s never too early to for a parent to start talking with their kids in developmentally appropriate ways about sexual health and safety,” said Annie Hoopes, a pediatrician and adolescent medicine physician-researcher specializing in sexual and reproductive health care. “So for very young kids, it’s talking about understanding your body and who’s allowed to have access to your body and how to communicate your body’s needs.”

As kids reach puberty, she added, the conversations can get more technical and focus on issues like sexual intimacy and how to reduce the risk of pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections.

Waiting for the exact right moment to bring up these issues is also a mistake. “There’s never going to be a perfect time or a right time to discuss things related to sex,” Widman said. “So just start. You can use an opportunity when you hear about something in the news, and you just sort of start and keep it short and sweet.”

Not talking to your teens can leave them with the wrong impression about where you stand, said Julie Maslowsky, a developmental psychologist and associate professor of community health sciences at the University of Illinois at Chicago. “In our research, we have seen many instances where a teen assumes their parent is opposed to them using contraception, and the parent is actually supportive but just hasn’t had conversations with their teen about it yet,” she said.

In her research involving parents of pregnant teens, “often what we hear is, ‘I was going to talk with her about birth control or we were going to go to the doctor. It was on my list,’ ” Maslowsky said. “And so I would say, ‘Do it early. Do it way before your concerns that there is an imminent risk of pregnancy or unhealthy consequences of sex.’ ”
It might take time to find a method that the adolescent is comfortable with, which is another reason to start talking early about birth control. “Giving the teen some options to start learning about and asking questions about contraception before the time that they need it can provide a really nice foundation,” Hoopes said.

Know the facts

Teen pregnancy has been trending downward since 1991; in 2021, there were 14.4 births per 1,000 females ages 15 to 19, according to provisional data. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention cites fewer teens having sex and improved usage of birth control as likely reasons for the decline but also points out that the U.S. teen pregnancy rate is among the highest in the developed world.

If your child is in high school, there is a good likelihood they are having sex. According to 2017 research from the Guttmacher Institute, 20 percent of high school freshman had had sexual intercourse, rising to 57 percent of seniors.

Parents often have the misconception that some forms of birth control are restricted by age, but Hoopes said that as long as an adolescent has had their period and is otherwise healthy, “all methods are available except sterilization, which is getting your tubes tied.” The choices basically boil down to three types, from least to most effective: barrier methods such as condoms and diaphragms; short-acting methods such as the birth control pill, vaginal ring, and skin patches or injections; and long-acting reversible contraception (LARC), such as an IUD or implant.

Many teens, however, are not using the most effective methods of birth control. According to the CDC, data collected from 2015 to 2017 about birth control methods used by sexually active females ages 15 to 19 found that 97 percent had used condoms, 65 percent had used withdrawal and 53 percent had used pills. Nineteen percent had used emergency contraception.

Many teens also are not aware of LARC options, which are expensive. But public health experts are trying to change that. A Colorado initiative to improve access to these options cut teen pregnancy and abortion rates nearly in half.

Make your support clear

>When you do talk to your kids, the main goal should be to convey that they can contact you whatever situation they are in. Hoopes suggested making the conversation “about health and safety, not about values and judgment.” A parent could say something like, “’What I want for you is to for you to achieve your personal goals, for you to complete your education or live your best adult life. And part of that is avoiding pregnancy before you’re ready for one. And I want to be a part of that conversation with you.’”

Widman suggests avoiding yes/no questions, such as “Are you being safe?” Instead, you could ask more open-ended questions, such as, “What have you heard about birth control?” or “What are you friends saying about sexual activity?”

And if you’re wondering how important your involvement is, Hoopes said research indicates that teens are more likely to access contraception and use it more consistently if they feel connected to their families.

Don’t forget your sons

Experts say you should have similar conversations about birth control options with boys as you do with girls. “Both male-identifying and female-identifying adolescents should understand biology and sex and healthy relationships and supportive relationships,” Maslowsky said. “And so, I would not have the conversations very differently. If my teen was capable of pregnancy, then I would talk with them about how to prevent pregnancy in their own body. If my teen was capable of making someone pregnant, then I would talk with them about how they can prevent that.”

Currently, the only male contraceptive option is the condom. While condoms are 98 percent effective with “perfect use” (consistently and correctly), the rate falls to 82 percent with “typical use” (what usually happens in real life). “To use a condom in a way that optimizes the effectiveness does require some education,” Hoopes said. If your teen is not receiving that education through school, you can talk to their pediatrician.

Beyond condoms, which teens of any gender should be using to prevent sexually transmitted infections, boys should understand and be involved in decisions about other forms of contraception, and support their partners, the experts said.

“I would say that pregnancy prevention is everyone’s responsibility and that I think, unfortunately, boys get left out of that conversation, not by their own fault,” Hoopes said.

Help your child consider their options

All birth control options have positives and negatives, and most come with potential side effects. “The best, most supportive thing a parent can do is provide information and provide support and help the adolescent make the decision that’s right for them,” Maslowsky said.

Health-care providers are ready to help. “We use a model called shared decision-making in contraception care,” Hoopes said, “where the patient or the patient and their parent is the expert in their own experience and their body, and the physician or the clinician is the expert in the methods and how they’re used and what the risks and side effects are. And together, in partnership, we make a decision that’s best for that patient.”

Ideally, teens will want to talk to their parents about birth control, but if not, parents can make sure adolescents have some time to talk privately with their pediatrician during their yearly checkups or help them identify other adults — such as a family friend or favorite aunt — who would support them and help them find resources.

Parents can also guide teens — and themselves — to online information from organizations such as the CDC, Planned Parenthood and the American Academy of Pediatrics. The experts also recommended several other resources: Amaze.org has a website and a YouTube channel specifically designed for adolescents by the nonprofit Advocates for Youth, which focuses on sex education. Power to Decide, a nonprofit that seeks to prevent unplanned pregnancies, has a page called Find Your Method. It also runs Bedsider.org, a site aimed at older teens and people in their 20s. The Reproductive Health Access Project has a detailed chart about birth control options.

Trust your kids

According to Maslowsky, there is a consensus in the scientific community “that teens can make decisions about their health care, about their sexual and reproductive health care, that they’re absolutely capable of weighing the pros and cons and making decisions about what’s right for them in terms of the contraception, in terms of being sexually active or not, in terms of abortion.”

Researchers also know that teens like to obtain advice on these issues from adults they are close to. “And so if a teen comes to you and asks for your help, for your opinion, that’s great,” she said. “That means that they’re exercising their ability to make these informed decisions. They’re bringing in trusted experts. And so, I would work with them on the decision. I would support them on their decision.”

Complete Article HERE!

How to Talk to Your Child About Sex, Ages 6 to 12

By Cynthia Gorney

How do I handle the birds-and-bees speech responsibly?

Give up on the idea of presenting the subject in one big talk — you’ll overwhelm your child with more bewildering and even distasteful information than she can process at once. Instead, think of it as a gentle conversation that will take place over several months or perhaps even years. Keep your explanations as simple and specific to the discussion as you can. A 6-year-old wondering what “birth control” means is not necessarily asking you to delineate the mechanics of intercourse.

The hardest part, of course, is staying composed. Try to respond to your child’s initial question without turning red or acting as though some momentous exchange is taking place; such a response might unnerve her or suggest that sex is linked to feelings of shame. If you can remain calm and speak naturally early on, you send an important message to your child: “You don’t need to feel nervous about asking me about this. It’s something we can talk about.”

When you arrive at the point of giving a technical description of “the Act,” it may help both of you if you say something simple like, “Look, I know this sounds gross to you now, but — trust me — it will seem different when you’re older.” A straightforward and honest approach is the best way to get through this: “When a man and a woman decide they want to do this, the man’s penis goes inside the woman’s vagina, and sperm comes out of the man’s penis. Sometimes the sperm joins with one of the tiny eggs inside the woman’s body, and that makes the egg begin growing into a baby. This happens in the special place women have called a uterus.”

Once you make it through this, you should expect your child to look both dumbfounded and suspicious, especially if it dawns on her that you may have done this thing at least once. Don’t be surprised if she suddenly changes the subject, walks away, or acts as though she hasn’t heard a word you’ve said. She heard you. She just needs time to let it sink in.

When does my daughter need to learn about menstruation?

Earlier than you probably think. Girls now commonly start their periods as early as fifth grade, so even if your daughter looks as though she’s nowhere near puberty, her schoolmates’ accounts may confuse and upset her if you haven’t given her the basic information first. She needs two things from you: first, the physical details of menstruation, and second, the security that when her period does begin (or her best friend betrays her by getting her period first), she can tell you about it without having you get embarrassed or weepy on her. You might want to start this conversation off (or simply let her know that you’re willing to have it whenever she wants) with a casual question or remark: “Do you know if any of the older girls at school have started their periods yet?” Or: “You know, when I was your age, I didn’t understand about periods and I felt too embarrassed to ask anybody.”

Another useful approach for a child who’s reached the age of 10 or so is to give her a good, readable kids’ book on puberty and sexual development. Before buying, look it over yourself to make sure you like its approach. Then put the book in your child’s room, where she can look at in private, and casually tell her that you’ve left it there for her to look at if she wants to. You can be sure the book will be read, and it may ease her fears and help her feel more comfortable about talking to you about sexual issues and feelings. One excellent series is the What’s Happening to My Body? books — one for girls and one for boys — by Lynda Madaras. Another invaluable guide for girls is The Period Book (Everything You Don’t Want to Ask But Need to Know) written by Karen Gravelle in consultation with her 15-year-old niece, Jennifer. Positive and practical, it covers tampons, pads, pimples, mood swings, and all of the other things girls wonder and worry about as they learn to deal with their menstrual cycles.

When does my son need to learn about erections, ejaculation, and wet dreams?

Boys may notice the erections of other boys (even babies), wonder about their own erections and physical responses, and hear “boner” jokes or other crude references as early as first grade. So it’s a good idea to explain erections even to very young boys in a low-key way, making sure they understand that there’s nothing shameful about a natural body response that they often have no control over. This should be easier if you’ve used the correct terms for body parts from the beginning; if you haven’t, start getting your child comfortable with saying “penis” and easing him away from the euphemistic terms he’s used until now.

Boys begin to have wet dreams when they reach puberty, usually between the ages of 9 and 15. A boy’s first ejaculation may occur during a wet dream, and when he wakes up, he may not realize what happened. Thus it’s important to let your son know well before puberty that wet dreams are a normal part of growing up and nothing to be ashamed of, that he can’t control them, and that ejaculation is just a physical sign that he’s growing into manhood.

What should I say to my child about masturbation?

Talking about masturbation is embarrassing for both you and your child, but it’s important to let her know that there’s nothing shameful or abnormal about sexually stimulating herself. By this age, your child should be long past touching herself in public, but both boys and girls may continue to masturbate in private, some of them quite often. Your child may feel guilty about this unless you reassure her that it’s not only normal but healthy to have sexual feelings, and that everyone masturbates, though they may not talk about it.

How can I find out what my child is learning from friends, school, and the media?

By being as inquisitive as you can, without tipping off your child that you’re snooping — at this age, kids absolutely don’t want to feel that their parents are looking over their shoulder. At school, ask the teachers exactly what they’re teaching at each grade level. (When and how do they discuss the reproductive system, sexually transmitted diseases, sexual harassment, and so on?) If they use textbooks or handouts, read them yourself.

You probably worry about what comes at your child on the Internet, but watch her television shows, too. Pick up the magazines she’s looking at. Be aware of what registers at her eye level on magazine stands, particularly the ones that hold adults-only publications. If you can stand it, listen to your child’s favorite radio stations for a while. You’ll probably see that from school age on, kids are inundated with sexual references — most of them sniggering, disrespectful, or misleading. The more you know about what your child is seeing and hearing about sex from other sources, the better equipped you are to make sure she knows what you want to tell her.

Does my child need to know about condoms and sexually transmitted diseases before she’s reached puberty?

Unfortunately, she probably does. She’s likely to be hearing or reading references to AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases in the news and from her schoolmates; if you live in an urban area, she’ll notice all the billboards and ads on the sides of buses invoking the importance of “safe sex.” You might as well make sure she’s getting information that’s accurate and no more scary than it has to be. And answering her questions matter-of-factly is one more way of reassuring her that she can trust you to discuss sex calmly with her.

Do I have to explain oral sex to my child when she’s this young?

If she’s 6 years old, no. But by the time kids are in fifth or sixth grade, “blow job” has likely become part of their vocabulary — we can thank the latest round of popular gross-out movies for that. So you’d be wise to prepare yourself for a question or conversation about oral sex, especially since it continues to be a fascinating and perplexing subject for kids in middle and high school. It’s not too early to start talking to your child about the important connections among sex, love, and responsibility. You may want to explain that kissing another person’s private parts is another way of having sex; that even though a girl can’t get pregnant this way, it’s possible to transmit dangerous diseases through oral sex; and that oral sex, just like the other kind, entails feeling love, commitment, and regard for the person with whom it’s performed.

Complete Article HERE!

‘Parental rights’ lobby puts trans and queer kids at risk

By &

The political right’s current strategy for fighting against LGBTQ+ equality is to frame discussions about sexuality and gender in school as an infringement on parents’ rights.

In 2020, far-right Australian MP Mark Latham introduced a “Parental Rights” bill. The bill would have prohibited teachers from addressing any topic that veered close to “core values” without parental consent — including LGBTQ+ gender and sexuality.

While psychology experts concerned with well-being and the New South Wales Government have now rejected the bill, the focus on parental rights isn’t limited to Australia.

Parents, as a group, represent diverse concerns. The group includes LGBTQ+ parents, parents of queer and trans children and young people, pregnant and parenting teens and politically progressive activist parents — and all of the above have diverse educational, religious, economic, racialized and political experiences. However, the conservative description of parents often neglects this reality.

Two fathers seen with their daughter on a couch.
LGBTQ+ parents are somehow left out of parent rights’ lobbying.

Rise of ‘parental rights’ campaigns

In the United States, the now infamous parental rights law in Florida, widely known as “Don’t say Gay,” restricts conversations about sexuality and gender in primary school.

And in 2015, conservatives framed a controversy about a new, progressive sex education curriculum in Ontario, Canada, as an attack on parents’ rights.

In this conflict over gender, sexuality and schooling, conservatives invoke parental rights, and implicitly position these as superseding young people’s right to access information about their health and well-being.

As American journalist Judith Levine argues, the elevation of parents’ rights can be tied to U.S. Reagan-era policies. These policies sought to salvage the nuclear family, in part by attacking public education and the expansion of rights for sexual and gender minorities.

The 2021 foreword to Lantham’s proposed bill, when it was sent to committee for review and inquiry, articulated the view that a “positive view of family life is under challenge”, due to school-based discussions of gender and sexuality.

A sign at a rally with a rainbow is seen that says some parents are their child's first bully.
For queer and trans teens, positive family life needs to reject homophobia and transphobia.

Problems with ‘health outcomes’ approach

In a broader context of controversies over sexuality and gender in schools, some policymakers focus on the important health outcomes for young people who have comprehensive, medically accurate information about sexuality and gender.

Sociologists Steven Epstein and Laura Mamo call this approach “healthism”. They argue the language of health contains or cancels “the stigma that so often adheres to sexuality and extinguish[es] the flames of political and moral controversy”.

But the work of queer theorists like Eve Sedgwick reveal problems with “healthist” approaches to sex education in schools. Sedgwick’s warning from 1993 remains eerily prescient:

“[…] this society wants its children to know nothing; it wants its queer [and trans] children to conform (and this is not a figure of speech) or die; and wants not to know that it is getting what it wants.”

Sedgwick warns it would be naive to believe that there is broad support for protecting the health and well-being of young people when their needs and questions challenge dominant modern norms and values embedded in our institutions.

Recent conversations about trans youth’s access to health care that would support and affirm their gender expose the ways health-care systems — despite their supposed neutrality — are shaped by transphobia.

Trans historian Jules Gill-Peterson writes about how “the foundation of the transgender healthcare we inherit today was deliberately designed to stop trans people from transitioning in most cases”.

Trans youth framed as threat

Conservative parents and politicians who invoke parental rights are not persuaded by arguments that access to information and support is necessary for young people’s health and well-being.

A sign at a rally seen that says transgender chlidren are not political pawns.
Right-wing advocacy has framed trans youth as as a threat to their straight and cisgender peers.

In their view, young people aren’t being educated, they are being “groomed” and conversations about gender identity and sexuality are themselves abusive.

LGBTQ+ youth, and trans youth in particular, perversely become framed as a threat to their straight and cisgender peers.

Conservatives insist that knowledge about diverse genders and sexualities introduce faddish ideas about gender and sexuality that contaminate the innocence of their children.

This logic reaches its dangerous conclusion in laws that would restrict trans youth from accessing health care that affirms their gender. In Texas, the state has been investigating parents who secure gender-affirming health care for their children as potential child abusers. This legal sanctioning of transphobia denies trans existence and sanctions discrimination and violence that can have lethal consequences for trans people.

Rethinking parental rights

Shouldn’t “parental rights” extend to the parents of trans and non-binary young people and their responsibility to protect their children’s health and well-being? Shouldn’t trans and queer parents also expect schools to provide safe learning environments for their children?

Australian research has shown the vast majority of parents support explicit teaching and learning about gender and sexuality diversity. With a sample of more than 2000 parents across Australian government (public) schools, more than 80% of respondents indicated they supported gender and sexuality diversity inclusion as part of the relationships and sexual health curriculum from kindergarten through to year 12. In Canada as well, there is widespread and well-established support from parents for LGBTQ+ inclusion in schools and sex education.

This isn’t to suggest that there aren’t debates about the nature and scope of LGBTQ+ inclusion in schools. Both these aforementioned Australian and Canadian studies point to differences based on region, topics addressed and grade level.

However, the parents represented in these studies are more diverse and less conservative than right-wing advocates of parental rights. Parents who want to see LGBTQ+ students, teachers and families supported and affirmed in schools need to speak up against right-wing framings of parental rights.

We can start by recognizing and supporting the parental rights of parents who are doing their best to love and support their trans and queer children in a hostile political climate.

Complete Article HERE!

This book aims to make sex-ed for kids and teens a little more colourful and a little less awkward

‘You Know, Sex’ takes a welcoming approach that supports both young readers and their parents

Crop of Cory Silverberg and Fiona Smyth’s “You Know, Sex: Bodies, Gender, Puberty, and Other Things”

By Shailee Koranne

Most of us don’t look back on sex-ed fondly; my own memories of it are wrapped up in awkward health class lessons and uneasy conversations at home. But sexual education doesn’t have to be unpleasant. It can be funny without making you feel like the butt of the joke, and it can be informative without talking down to you. Cory Silverberg and Fiona Smyth’s latest sex-ed book You Know, Sex: Gender, Puberty, and Other Things sets a welcoming tone immediately, quoting disability justice organizer and artist Patty Berne in a letter to the reader: “There is no right or wrong way to have a body.”

Sex-ed, especially right now, is rife with conflict between disagreeing parents and policymakers — but it’s kids and teens who bear the consequences of inadequate sexual education. Detractors of a comprehensive sex-ed curriculum say that it confuses kids and encourages sexual risk-taking behaviour. In reality, sex-ed empowers young people and reduces risk-taking by increasing knowledge about safer sex and sexual health.

This is where You Know, Sex comes in. It’s the third instalment in a trilogy of sex-ed books for kids and teens written by Silverberg and illustrated by Smyth, following the acclaimed titles What Makes a Baby? and Sex is a Funny Word. You Know, Sex immerses the reader in the lives of four young characters named Mimi, Omar, Cooper, and Zai, who represent different ethnicities, genders, sexualities, and abilities. Gender, consent, reproduction, relationships, and safety are among the wide range of topics covered in a way that’s accessible to young audiences.

Cory Silverberg and Fiona Smyth’s “You Know, Sex: Bodies, Gender, Puberty, and Other Things.”

Silverberg, who grew up in Toronto, wanted You Know, Sex to be inclusive of many different experiences. “My life is full of people exactly like Mimi, Omar, Cooper, and Zai, and they’re a part of my community,” they say. “We wanted [the book] to feel like real life. We wanted people to recognize themselves in all aspects of the book.” 

Fiona Smyth’s vivid illustrations of the well-rounded cast of characters lend an exciting and imaginative feeling to topics that are usually handled clumsily. Our recollection of sex-ed may conjure up memories of graphic images whose purpose was to shock us, but Smyth’s bold use of colour and whimsical, yet detailed, drawings of people and bodies makes the book approachable. 

Adolescence is a crucial age, something that everyone implicitly knows because we all harbour a bit of tenderness over our teenage selves. It’s when the topic of sex suddenly becomes omnipresent: we start noticing changes in our and others’ bodies that we don’t understand, and we begin to feel unfamiliar emotions and desires that might scare, excite, or overwhelm us. Recess-time gossip would have us nodding like we understood what everyone was talking about, even if we had no idea. While the topic was inescapable, having real conversations about sex still felt out-of-bounds, even shameful — everything is embarrassing when you’re young.

Cory Silverberg and Fiona Smyth’s “You Know, Sex: Bodies, Gender, Puberty, and Other Things” pg. 44.

You Know, Sex confronts those feelings of awkwardness and shame head-on and deals with them through care, playfulness, and approachable language. Take, for example, the section under the chapter “Bodies” that explains genitalia. Silverberg uses “middle parts” to subvert the euphemistic term “private parts” that is often used to describe genitalia, and lightly explains that “every part of our body could be private, not just the parts that other people think are for sex.” In the same section, the four main characters sing a funny song about middle parts, and Smyth’s brilliant illustrations accompany functional explanations of penises and vaginas.

Best of all, You Know, Sex asks as many questions as it answers. Arguments against sex-ed claim that sexual education “indoctrinates” children by telling them what to believe; this is particularly untrue about this book. Instead of telling its readers how they should feel about something, it offers explanations on a given topic, then leaves it up to the reader to decide how to react. For instance, following a short overview about peer pressure (which the book is sure to mention can also come from adults in kids’ lives), it asks several questions for the reader to contemplate further, like, “Can you think of a time when your yes or no was respected and listened to?” 

“Kids have the capacity to think critically at every age,” says Silverberg. “Our books are about supporting kids to learn on their own terms.”

Cory Silverberg and Fiona Smyth’s “You Know, Sex: Bodies, Gender, Puberty, and Other Things” pg. 44.

It can be deeply affirming, even as an adult, to read a book like You Know, Sex that talks about tender topics with you in mind — something Silverberg’s readers have confirmed. The GoodReads page for Sex is a Funny Word, which precedes You Know, Sex, is full of stories from readers who wished they had access to the book when they were younger. One reader wrote, “My heart broke a little realizing how different things could have been had I had this in my arsenal as a pre-teen.”

Modernized sexual education is crucial for the wellbeing and safety of children and people everywhere, something that research has proven time and time again. Children and young people who receive sex-ed go on to use contraception at higher rates and have fewer unplanned pregnancies. There is also a direct link between sexual education and people feeling an increase in their own autonomy and confidence. “Information is prevention. Information is a way to protect kids,” Silverberg explained in an interview about You Know, Sex on The Social.

Complete Article HERE!

Autism and Sexuality

— Understanding Your Child’s Sexual Development

For parents of neurotypical children and neurodivergent children alike, some things are universal. We all want our kids to be happy, healthy, and loved, and we all worry—a lot.

By Rachel Andersen

One of the biggest concerns we may have for our kids can be how they will handle romantic relationships, sex, and the social aspects of dating in general. There is much to think about, but adding autism into the discussion takes it up a notch.

In this article we will take a few minutes to study autism and sexuality. We will find out what we as parents need to know about supporting our kids with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) as they navigate their sexual development, and all that it brings with it.

E – expression

In the grand scheme of things, children, adolescents, and young adults with autism spectrum disorders, need to know the same basic things about sex as their neurotypical peers. Most often, it’s how they process, implement, and express themselves that can be different. It is important to educate our kids.

Relationship education

Relationship education is the base of understanding for:

  • social skills
  • sexual well being

Sexual education

Sexual education is the foundation of safety for:

  • promoting sexual health
  • prevention of sexual abuse and sexual assault
  • protection from sexually transmitted infections
  • sexual function

In order for us to educate our children, we must first educate ourselves. In her paper, titled Sexuality and Adolescents with Autism, Rebecca Koller writes: “Education for caregivers of individuals with autism regarding issues of adolescence and self-pleasuring may help alleviate the anxiety of individuals with autism caused by misinformation or the absence of information. Such education, along with information regarding sexual abuse, should be included in a proactive approach to sexuality training for individuals with autism.”

A child with intellectual disability is going to process the information they need differently, and the most effective way to help them with that is to give them the information at their level.

Social stories are a great way to educate. Hypothetical situations used to illustrate real situations provide an opportunity to walk through topics and allow our child to practice relationship skills in a safe, low pressure way. Sexual education can start with these.

D – desire

According to an article published in the National Library of Medicine, titled Brief Report: Asexuality and Young Women on the Autism Spectrum, studies show that a higher percentage of people with autism spectrum disorders identify as asexual. The presence of sexual attraction will clue us in to what direction we can take with our kids.

As we build our relationship with them, we can learn about what they feel and think about sexual things, and help guide them along the way.

U – understand

Information unlocks many doors. Being misunderstood is one of the largest obstacles for our kids on the spectrum. If we as parents strive to be a constant source of understanding in our kids’ lives, our relationship with them will strengthen, and their ability to take on the world will increase.

We need to help our kids understand that their feelings are normal, and the most appropriate ways to express them. Their understanding of others feelings, desires, and appropriate expression is of utmost importance as well.

How does autism affect intimacy?

In Webster’s dictionary (2022) the word “intimate” is defined as: marked by a warm friendship developing through long association. Our kids’ first intimate relationship is with us; we are the ones they are familiar with.

As they get older that circle widens and more people are allowed in. As they grow and develop, the kind of intimacy with each person in their circle changes.

This can be difficult for children with autism. In order for them to understand appropriate intimacy with others, they need to build their social skills.

Addressing sexuality begins with setting clear and distinct boundaries about what intimacy is, and how it relates to sex and relationships. Then, we need to understand how autism can affect intimacy, and help our child comprehend and prepare for how that can show up in the interactions with others they are close to. They need to know what is appropriate and what isn’t, and from whom.

Helping our child understand sexuality socially, it is important to discuss the way sexuality is expressed. In the interest of educating ourselves first, let’s find out how autism can affect sexual behavior.

Sexual behaviors

As parents we will bring views and emotional “baggage” with us from our own lives that will affect our understanding of our kids. Some of us want to do things opposite to how our parents raised us, others want to preserve the “right” way we learned from our elders. Either way, it is imperative that we see our children clearly and strive to learn from them through a fresh set of eyes, ears, and hearts.

Sexual behavior can be terrifying to address for parents, especially if those behaviors come up at very inopportune times with our kids. Learning as much as we can about sexual behavior and how they can be influenced by autism can really help prepare us to deal with them as they come. Addressing behavior should be done with a calm and understanding approach.

Behavior like:

  • masturbation
  • hypersexuality
  • inappropriate touching

If these behaviors occur at inappropriate times or places because of a lack of understanding of social situations, it can pose a problem for our kids. Teaching them about their bodies early on can go a long way to helping our children know when, where, and with whom they may express themselves sexually.

Koller writes: “Education regarding sexual abuse should be a component of responsible sexuality education. Increased vulnerability among children with disabilities relates to their inability to understand or communicate what has happened or what will happen.

“Two of the most important issues to address in the area of social-sexual relationships are how to teach appropriate behavior and how to balance risk and opportunity. Walcott (1997) reports that ‘without proper education in the areas of sex, health, and physical education, people with moderate and severe disabilities risk exposure to sexual exploitation, poor health, abuse, and neglect.’”

The aspects of romantic relationships are just one of the complexities that our kids with autism may struggle with socially. There is some overlap in the educational needs.For example, teaching our kids about body language is helpful since they may not pick up on those cues on their own. Understanding body language at a young age will help them detect new body language signals or recognize negative ones early, just because they are different to what they already know. This can help protect them from people who may not have their best interest at heart.

Gender identity, sexual orientation, and sexual identity

In a study called: Gender identity and Sexual Orientation in Autism Spectrum Disorder, Rita George and Mark A Stokes comment that “children are generally cognizant of their gender between the ages 18 months and 3 years, and by the beginning of school years, most children will have achieved a sense of their gender identity and a certain degree of gender constancy, at which time children begin to realize that gender is a permanent state that cannot be altered by a change of clothing or activity”.

The same study revealed an increase in the likelihood of individuals with ASD to experience gender identity issues. “When compared to typically developing individuals, autistic individuals reported a higher number of gender-dysphoric traits. Rates of gender-dysphoria in the group with autism spectrum disorder were significantly higher than reported in the wider population. Mediation analysis found that the relationship between autistic traits and sexual orientation was mediated by gender-dysphoric traits.

“Results suggest that autism spectrum disorder presents a unique experience to the formation and consolidation of gender identity, and for some autistic individuals, their sexual orientation relates to their gender experience. It is important that clinicians working with autism spectrum disorder are aware of the gender-diversity in this population so that the necessary support for healthy socio-sexual functioning and mental well-being is provided.”

Children know from such an early age who they are, what they like, and though they may mask their feelings because of social pressures, it doesn’t change who they are.

As parents, looking at the data we can see that we need to be ready to support our child with autism if they come out as part of the LGBTQ+ community, and to recognize the signs, and so that we have a chance to know before they do.

Our treatment of them can either reinforce, or counteract society’s views of them. If they are loved, supported, and educated with us, they will know when to recognize safe people to have relationships with. They will know what healthy looks and feels like, and they will be confident in who they are.

Their mental health is just as important as their sexual health. Safety is the goal. Knowing the increased chances of social misunderstandings, communication is imperative.

C – communicate

As we impart the knowledge we gain to our child, and our relationship with them grows, we can watch them begin to navigate their own relationships in the world. They can learn to communicate with others they are interested in and build healthy intimate relationships.

A – allow

In the world in which we live, so much of what we have discussed above is controversial. We may not agree with the conclusions that our kids come to, the relationships they wish to pursue, or who they know themselves to be. Accepting them for who they are and who they love does not always mean endorsement.

Many parents choose to disassociate from their children when they find out they are not who they thought they were, whether that is their sexual orientation, gender identity, or their sexual choices. This can leave the young adult vulnerable and unsupported.

The goal for parents should be to make sure their child knows what they need to know, is capable of making their own decisions, and to love and accept them regardless. You can disagree without disengaging.

We can allow our children to be who they are, love them, and keep the lines of communication open. We should encourage free and open discussion, foster social interactions, and facilitate relationships with children their same age–mentally, not just in years. An emphasis on gender diversity, as well as children of their own gender identity is important.

T – timeline

You may be thinking, this is too much information to throw at a kid, and I would agree. However, sex education can begin very early. Age appropriate information about their bodies, body parts, and functions, who they belong to, friendships, body language of friends, family, and strangers can all be collected with our kids. All of this being before our kids experience being sexually attracted, sexual activity, sexual experiences, so that when those things do occur, they are ready—even if we are not.

I – Inspiration

How we handle the topics that come up around sexual matters with our kids will inspire them. If we are calm, matter of fact, informative, and set a good example ourselves, they will be inspired to do the same. Their view of themselves, their sexuality, and human connection starts with what they observe in us.

O – Outsource

There are programs to help children and young adults with ASD learn what they need to know socially and how to find romance safely. I want to share with you two resources, both are courses or services run by speakers from the Autism Parenting Summit.

Michael Clark runs: Amazing Skills for Kids and Adults

Jeremy Hamburgh runs: My Best Social Life

N – Nuance

Sexuality is a spectrum. It encompasses much more than the act of intercourse. Understanding your child’s sexualality is important, as it is as unique as they are. EDUCATION is key.

Acceptance and understanding start at home and carry throughout life. Your child needs to know they are loved, and worthy of love. They can grow to be confident individuals who understand their sexuality, express it appropriately, and engage in healthy relationships with others.

References:

Bush, H. H., Williams, L. W., & Mendes, E. (2021). Brief Report: Asexuality and Young Women on the Autism Spectrum. Journal of autism and developmental disorders, 51(2), 725–733. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-020-04565-6

Rebecca Koller (2000). Sexuality and Adolescents with Autism. Sexuality and Disability, Vol. 18, No. 2, https://abafit.coursewebs.com/Courses/BEHP1096/Autism%20and%20Sexuality.pdf

George, R., & Stokes, M. A. (2018). Gender identity and sexual orientation in autism spectrum disorder. Autism, 22(8), 970–982. https://doi.org/10.1177/1362361317714587

Complete Article HERE!

When Should You Have The Sex Talk With Your Kids?

By Emily Laurence

For many caregivers, the idea of talking about sex with their kids may be uncomfortable. But talking about sex with your kids (which is about more than discussing actual intercourse), is important in order for children to develop healthy sexual attitudes and safe sexual behaviors as they get older.

But when exactly should you talk to your kids about sex? What age is best? As you’ll soon see, therapists advise that the conversation evolves over time, with kids learning age-appropriate facts about sex.

If you’re curious as to what that looks like and how to navigate topics related to sex with children of any age, we have expert advice for you. We will address everything from anatomy and the answer to where babies come from to consent and what to do if a teen says that they are ready to have sex.

What Is the Sex Talk With Kids—and Why Is It Important?

If you never talked about sex with your own parents, you may be wondering why it’s important to do so with your own kids; certainly they’ll learn what they need to from their friends or the internet, right? Clinical psychologist Inna Khazan, Ph.D. says this is exactly what you don’t want to happen.

“Yes, kids will hear about sex from their friends and pick stuff up from TV, but there’s so much misinformation out there,” she says. “With small children, this can sometimes be silly. But with older children, misinformation about sex can be tragic and problematic. Having the right information is incredibly important for physical and mental health.”

Talking about sex with your kids is about more than explaining actual intercourse, according to Dr. Khazan. It also includes what to call the reproductive organs, knowing what type of touch is and isn’t okay, birth control, protection against sexually transmitted infections, pornography, masturbation and the potential emotional ramifications of having sex.

Since sex encompasses so much, the conversation works best if it happens incrementally, over time. But that doesn’t mean it won’t be awkward. “This is an uncomfortable topic for both parents and kids,” says psychiatrist Muhammad Zeshan, M.D., an assistant professor of psychiatry at Rutgers New Jersey Medical School in Newark. But he says that when parents do have these conversations with their kids, it establishes trust. “A child may be more likely to share if parents have had a conversation beforehand with them,” he says. And those conversations can start as young as the toddler years.

How Do I Talk to My Kids About Sex?

When Your Child Is a Toddler

During the toddler years is when a child learns the names of different body parts—including the reproductive organs. Instead of using phrases like “pee pee” or “down there,” both experts say that kids should be taught the proper names of the reproductive organs: penis and vulva.

“One reason to teach the proper names is if they have pain there, they need to be able to describe it and knowing the proper names helps,” says Dr. Zeshan. It also takes away a stigma of shame often associated with the reproductive organs, says Dr. Khazan. According to the non-profit Race Against Abuse of Children Everywhere (RAACE), if a child feels shameful about their anatomy, they may be hesitant to open up with their parents if they have a question or concern about it.

Toddlers may be exploring their bodies, including their genitals. If they express that touching their genitals feels good, Dr. Khazan says to relay the message that it’s okay to be curious, but it should be done in private.

When Your Child Is Ages Three to Five

Some preschool-age kids love to run around naked, which is a great opportunity to address nudity. “For little kids [younger than seven], I would communicate that it’s okay to be naked at home, but not in public. Then, when they get a little older, you can tell them that some parts of the body are meant to be private, just for you,” says Dr. Khazan. This, she says, relays information about what is and isn’t appropriate without using shameful language.

If a child continuously enjoys being in the nude, Dr. Zeshan says to ask them what they like about it, getting to the function behind the behavior. For example, is it because being naked makes them feel happy and excited? Free? Calm? Knowing the reason for the behavior makes it easier to address, he explains.

Both experts say that kindergarten to lower elementary school is a good age to teach children the difference between appropriate touch and inappropriate touch, communicating that the reproductive organs (and upper chest for girls) is not for others to touch except for a doctor, if given permission.

When Your Child Is Age Six to Eight

This tends to be the age when kids ask where babies come from. Both experts say you should tell the truth, using simple language. “You might say that two people’s bodies come together and meet each other,” says Dr. Khazan. “You can get into the sperm and egg when they get a little older and are able to understand more, but this can be too complicated for a young child.”

“So many parents get uncomfortable with this question, but just remember that the more you stay calm and address it without judgment, the better you’ll be able to answer it,” adds Dr. Zeshan. Like Dr. Khazan, he advises using simple language. “You can say that there’s a place close to mommy’s tummy where the baby grows,” he says, adding that you should encourage the child to ask questions, if they have any. There will be a chance to address the specifics of how a baby is made during puberty.

When Your Child Is Age Eight to 12

Puberty starts earlier than many parents may realize, according to Dr. Khazan: For girls, it occurs between ages eight and 13, and boys start going through puberty between ages nine and 14. “It’s important to talk to the child about certain changes they’re likely to experience, because this helps establish a foundation of what’s normal,” says Dr. Khazan. “That way, the child knows that there’s nothing to feel shameful or embarrassed about.”

This kind of open conversation will also be helpful when changes happen during puberty—like a girl’s first menstrual cycle—so that the child isn’t surprised and the parent isn’t left scrambling to explain what’s happening in the moment. Again, both experts urge parents to encourage their child to ask questions if they have any, which helps create a more open relationship.

Puberty is also a time when Dr. Zeshan says parents can get more specific about sex, explaining exactly what it is. Part of this, he says, is building upon the “where do babies come from” conversation, explaining the role of the egg and sperm. But sex isn’t just about making babies, of course. “This is the age to educate a child about how sex is done, how it can lead to pregnancy as well as how to avoid pregnancy, and also the importance of consent,” advises Dr. Zeshan. Pre-teens may also have questions about masturbation, and Dr. Khazan says that parents can reiterate the same message they taught them as toddlers: Exploration is normal, but should be done in private.

Since these conversations can be uncomfortable, Dr. Zeshan’s advice is to let the child determine the timing. “When the child is relaxed, ask them if they would like to have the conversation. If they say no, ask when a good time would be and let them know that whenever they are comfortable, you are ready,” he says.

When Your Child Is Age 13 and Older

Fifty-five percent of teens have sex before age 18, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Dr. Khazan says that this is why even if you don’t think your child is sexually active, it’s still important to talk about sex with them during the teen years. This is when you should once again discuss consent, but this time addressing more specifically what it looks like, including when alcohol is involved, and what to do in a situation if they feel they are being pressured.

If a child comes to their parent and asks if they’re allowed to have sex or tells their parent that they are ready to have sex, Dr. Khazan says there is no one way to navigate this that will work for every parent. “This is a very personal decision for each family,” she says. While parents should feel encouraged to express any religious or personal values tied to sex, Dr. Khazan does say if a teenager is fearful of their parent finding out that they are having sex, they may be less likely to come to them if they need help.

“If a teen comes to their parent and says that they want to have sex, a parent can talk with them about the changes it may bring to their life and if they are ready for those changes,” says Dr. Zeshan. A parent can talk about the consequences sex can have—including sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy—without labeling sex as “bad,” he says, adding that if a child develops a negative association with sex, it can lead to issues with intimacy down the road.

Pornography is another topic to address during the teen years. “Approach it in a curious way, not a judgmental way, allowing the teen to ask any questions they have,” says Dr. Zeshan. Instead of shutting down a conversation about porn completely, Dr. Khazan says what’s more effective is telling teens that what happens in pornography does not necessarily reflect reality and that some of what is in porn is demeaning and dangerous.

Even with all this information, talking about sex with your kids may still be uncomfortable. Both experts say this is expected and it’s 100% okay. What’s important is that you’re doing it, which not only creates a more open relationship with your child, but can go a long way in terms of keeping them safe and helping them develop a healthy attitude toward sex. And you didn’t even have to mention anything about birds or bees.

Complete Article HERE!

Sex Ed Is the Opposite of Grooming

Some pundits say that talking with little kids about sex and gender primes them to be taken advantage of. Sex-ed researchers say that the opposite is true.

By Olga Khazan

If you ask some (okay, many) conservative pundits, Democrats are “groomingchildren. As in, grooming them to be abused by pedophiles. Some Republicans have even accused Democrats of being pedophiles themselves.

The grooming charges lump together concerns that kids are being introduced too early to sexually explicit material, to the existence of transgender people, and to non-heterosexual sexual orientations. In March, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis signed what critics have dubbed the “Don’t Say Gay” bill, a measure that discourages teachers from discussing gender identity or sexual orientation in classrooms. Versions of the measure have been proposed in at least a dozen other states. Referring to the bill, DeSantis’s spokesperson Christina Pushaw tweeted, “If you’re against the Anti-Grooming Bill, you are probably a groomer or at least you don’t denounce the grooming of 4-8 year old children.” A pastor even organized an “anti-grooming” rally at Disney’s headquarters in California.

This type of rhetoric is damaging in its own right. As the commentator David French writes in his newsletter, “Throwing around accusations of pedophilia, sympathy for pedophilia, grooming, or sympathy for grooming is a recipe for threats and violence”—an assessment that some historians endorse. This latest pedophilia panic overlaps with the false beliefs of the QAnon movement, which fueled the Pizzagate incident in 2016.

But bills such as Florida’s are also likely to have a chilling effect on comprehensive sexual education in schools, with deleterious effects. Comprehensive sex ed doesn’t just help prevent bullying; it helps kids have healthier relationships of all kinds, improves their communication skills, and even boosts their media literacy. Compared with abstinence-only sex education or no sex education at all, comprehensive sex ed helps reduce teen pregnancy rates. One meta-analysis found that European countries, many of which offer comprehensive, mandatory sex ed, including for young children, tend to have the lowest rates of child sexual abuse in the world. Sex education is “the exact opposite” of grooming, says Nora Gelperin, the director of sexuality education at Advocates for Youth, a sex-ed nonprofit. “Sex education, even when started in the earliest grades, has shown to be protective for kids, especially around child sexual abuse.”

A 2020 study that examined three decades of research on sex education found that comprehensive sex ed that begins in elementary school can help prevent child sex abuse, among other benefits. “Stranger danger”–type language isn’t recommended these days; about 93 percent of child sexual-abuse victims know their abusers. Instead, these programs help children identify the difference between appropriate and inappropriate touching, the difference between “tattling” and keeping unsafe secrets, and how to identify abusive situations. In other words, sex ed isn’t grooming—it helps protect kids from grooming.

Modern sex ed also seems to give kids a sense of empowerment, including by teaching them the correct names for their own genitals. “Predators are less likely to select a child who can accurately talk about those body parts,” Gelperin says, “than a child that is ignorant of what those body parts are actually called.” It also makes kids less likely to victimize one another: One program for eighth graders, called Safe Dates, was associated with lower rates of physical and sexual dating violence four years later, compared with a control group.

Experts recommend starting sex education as early as kindergarten and teaching it the way you would math. Five-year-olds don’t tend to learn geometry, but they do learn about numbers and shapes. Similarly, experts say kindergartners don’t need to be told about, for example, orgasms, but they are encouraged to understand what their body parts are and how to protect themselves from unwanted touching.

One of the best-regarded American sex-ed curricula is “Rights, Respect, and Responsibility,” or the “3Rs,” developed by Advocates for Youth and available for free online. For kindergartners and first graders, the lessons focus on preventing bullying, setting boundaries about touching, and learning what types of things make babies (elephants, but not pizza). The most explicit section covers the proper names of genitalia, including an explanation that most girls have a “hole” called “the vagina that is used when a female has a baby.” The use of correct anatomical terms is meant to ensure that kids are understood if they ever report abuse. But also, “this is your body and you have a right to know what the different parts are called,” the curriculum explains.

The first-grade lesson plans also include a section about gender identity, in which teachers are encouraged to say something like “You might feel like you’re a boy even if you have body parts that some people might tell you are ‘girl’ parts. You might feel like you’re a girl even if you have body parts that some people might tell you are ‘boy’ parts. And you might not feel like you’re a boy or a girl, but you’re a little bit of both. No matter how you feel, you’re perfectly normal!”

Though this message does not exactly comport with a socially conservative worldview, it hardly amounts to “grooming” children to be molested by pedophiles. The argument for providing information on sexual orientation and gender identity in elementary school is that children are likely to encounter these concepts in the wild. Between 2 million and 4 million American children are being raised by a non-straight parent. Some children might either be transgender themselves or have a parent who is. Advocates of this type of curriculum say these concepts can be explained more accurately in school, and help make kids who are not straight or cisgender feel welcomed.

But just because the “3Rs” curriculum is recommended doesn’t mean it gets taught. Far from it: Sex ed, like all lesson plans, varies dramatically by school district, and usually reflects the values of the surrounding community. For example, Texas, which has more children than almost any other state, does not require high schools to teach sex ed. As of 2017, most Texas schools districts took an abstinence-only approach to sex ed, and though the state has recently introduced some discussion of contraceptives in middle school, abstinence must be emphasized. Instruction on gender identity and sexual orientation is not currently offered in Florida from kindergarten to third grade, the ages targeted by the “Don’t Say Gay” bill.

Most European countries do provide comprehensive sex ed in every school, however. Experts link Europeans’ superior sexual-health outcomes—lower teen pregnancy rates, lower rates of sexual abuse, and lower STD rates among young people—to better, earlier sex ed. In Western Europe, sex ed tends to be mandatory and blunt, and start before kindergarten; it’s like the “3Rs,” but more graphic.

In the Netherlands, sex ed begins before many kids can read. “From age 5, children are taught about reproduction, about pregnancy and birth of a baby,” says Elsbeth Reitzema, the sexuality-education program officer at Rutgers, a Dutch nonprofit that helps run the country’s sex-ed programs. “They also learn the main physical differences between boys and girls, about the genitals and their functions. By the end of primary school, children have learned about reproduction, pregnancy, and birth. They know that a woman, if she is fertile, can become pregnant through sex in the manner of penis-in-vagina sex.” They also learn about being intersex, transgender, and nonbinary. When they’re 11, kids learn about masturbation.

One popular Dutch sex-ed curriculum explains to fourth graders that “the clitoris is a very sensitive place. Touching it can give a nice feeling,” according to Beyond Birds and Bees, a 2018 book in part about the Dutch approach to sex ed by Bonnie Rough, who has written on the same topic for The Atlantic. “It is not customary for parents to take their children out of the lesson,” Reitzema told me. “Should parents object to the lessons, then the school will explain what the content of the lessons is. This usually removes the parents’ resistance to the lessons.”

In Sweden’s mandatory sex-ed program, 7-to-9-year-olds learn “about all body parts, and discuss gender,” Hans Olsson, the country’s senior adviser on sexuality education, told me. “School has a duty to counteract limiting gender patterns, already at [the] preschool level.” Also in preschool, kids learn about bodily integrity and name their sexual organs. Rather than the proper terminology, though, Swedish kids use snopp, which is like “willy,” and snippa. (“Don’t know the equivalent word in English,” Olsson said.) Starting in fourth grade, Swedish kids learn about LGBTQ issues.

Sara Zaske, the author of the German comparative-parenting book Achtung Baby, told me that her 7-year-old daughter’s class in Berlin read the children’s book Mummy Laid an Egg without asking parents’ permission first. The picture book, which was originally published in English, features cartoon drawings of “Daddy’s tube” and “Mummy’s hole,” along with the ways “mummies and daddies fit together.” Unlike in the United States, Zaske writes in her book, “German kids learn much more about sex than conception.” German schools cover STD prevention, yes, but also masturbation, orgasms, and homosexuality. Zaske quotes one doctor in an article on the city of Berlin’s official website as saying, “Sex education cannot begin early enough.”

Rough and others don’t see these types of lessons as “giving children ideas” about sex and sexuality. After all, adults openly do things—drink alcohol, use the stove, drive—that kids can’t. Kids understand when an activity is for adults only. She and other advocates reject the notion that telling kids about different sexual orientations or gender identities “turns” kids gay or gender-nonconforming. “Teaching about the topics is not creating new LGBTQ students,” says Elizabeth Schroeder, a sexuality educator and co-author of the “3Rs” curriculum.

But most important, early sex ed opens up lines of communication between kids and responsible adults. “If we start giving off the impression that sex is a topic that when you ask me a question … that I’m going to start acting weird and funny and dishonest about it, they quickly pick up that this is something off-limits,” says Emily Rothman, a health-sciences professor at Boston University. “So they’re either gonna think, Well, I can go to my friends or I can go to the internet.” By which she means: to porn.

The larger point of this kind of instruction is what the Dutch call “sexual assertiveness”: “If somebody is saying or doing something that makes your body feel uncomfortable, you’ve been taught how to notice that and what to do next,” Rough told me. One aim of communicating freely about sex with a teacher or another trusted adult is the “development of a trusting, trustworthy relationship with a grown-up who has the child’s best interests at heart.”

Meanwhile, only a quarter of U.S. public schools report that students practice communication, decision making, goal setting, or refusal skills as part of sex ed, Rough writes in her book. Instead, some American children learn about sex through porn, through experimentation, or, tragically, from an abuser. Because so much of American sex education treats sexual activity as dangerous or shameful, kids who are victimized by adults may feel that they have to keep it secret. European children who learn about their body, and are warned about inappropriate touching, can better protect themselves. There, Rough writes, “those who prey on children can no longer benefit from their ignorance.”

Complete Article HERE!

If You’re Only Having One Sex Talk, You’re Doing It Wrong

Talking about sex is going to be awkward, but it doesn’t have to be weird.

By

If having the sex talk with your kid feels overwhelming, chances are that the idea of having multiple sex talks will induce a full-on panic. But one of the biggest mistakes parents can make when it comes to talking to kids about sex is thinking that after one conversation, they’re prepared to face the world. Kids are constantly becoming more aware of sex and sexuality, so the type of guidance they need will change accordingly. And because parents have been down that road already, they have a lot of wisdom to offer their kids from their own experiences.

But how can parents take what they’ve learned, enjoyed, and regretted about sex and share that wisdom in a way that their kids will eventually find helpful — without it being totally awkward? “I think there are three kinds of parents. There are the parents who totally have ostrich syndrome, which means they bury their heads in the sand. Then there are the oversharing parents, the parents who think that their kids are their best friends,” says Lea Lis, M.D., a psychiatrist and author of No Shame: Real Talk With Your Kids About Sex, Self-Confidence, and Healthy Relationships. Don’t be either of those parents.

“Then there’s the best kind of parent which is the authoritative parent, who is able to be open and honest and explain things clearly, and is also not afraid to set appropriate boundaries.” That’s the sweet spot you want to hit. Here’s how to do it.

Think About Your Own Sex Life

Before parents share sexual wisdom with their kids, they must first process their sexual history. That can be a scary prospect for many people who have regretted some of their sexual decisions in the past. But past experiences — even past experiences we try to ignore — can inform how parents approach talking about sex with their kids. 

“It doesn’t matter if you’ve made mistakes,” Lis says. “It’s about how you manage your mistakes and how you deal with them. Because it’s great for your kids to see you make mistakes and then learn to overcome them.” Did you have sex before you were ready and regret it? Have unprotected sex and pick up an STI? Teenagers can learn from your regrets, but only if you share them.

Although parents need to process their sexual stories, it’s not necessary to recount that story in its entirety to their kids. There will be details they aren’t mature enough to take in or that would violate the confidence of your past sexual partners.

In fact, sometimes parents can leave out sex altogether and still get the message across to young kids. Lis gives the example of a parent whose children know about a divorce or previous extramarital affair. “You have to learn how to speak to the pearls of what you learned from past experiences,” she says. “For example, you might say, ‘monogamy is hard because marriage is hard at times.’ But you can also share that if the focus in relationships is on integrity, honesty, and owning your mistakes, then it’s still possible to have a happy and intimate relationship even if things don’t go well.”

Pass Down Wisdom Instead of Trauma

Negative sexual experiences aren’t always the result of bad decision-making. The anti-sexual violence organization RAAIN estimates that an average of more than 450,000 people each year are victims of sexual violence. And people who have been victimized shouldn’t be made to feel as though they were at fault for someone else’s behavior. But it is essential to acknowledge that sexual violence can have long-term effects on victims, which may affect how they talk about sex with their kids.

Of course, sexual trauma isn’t limited to assault. People can be traumatized by the words and attitudes of loved ones who reject specific sexual orientations, who pass down unhealthy sexual paradigms, or who are still struggling with their own unresolved sexual trauma. 

Lis encourages parents to reflect on what they know about their family’s sexual history, as well as how they communicated about sexuality and sexual experiences. That process may raise awareness of generational sexual trauma passed down or that parents are at risk of passing to their own children. 

“Look at how your family expresses affection and sexuality,” she says. “What did they tell you about sex, and what do you wish they had told you? What are your early memories of awakening sexuality? What about your experience with puberty? Was it a positive sexual experience, and what wasn’t positive? Hopefully, this deepens self-understanding and helps you start to understand what you might want to reframe as you pass wisdom down to your kids.” 

For example, you may have been teased by family members as your body changed and developed, which was likely to make you feel self-conscious and as though family members weren’t safe people to talk to when it comes to sex. Reflecting on that experience may help you better understand any shame triggers you might have when you think about talking to your own kids about sex. Consider how you wish your family would have handled those situations so that you can facilitate more open lines of communication with your kids.

Have More Than One Sex Talk

There will be times when talking about sex as a family feels awkward, but it doesn’t have to be weird. Starting the conversation young with age-appropriate books sets the expectation that conversations about sex are welcome. Parents with kids in grade school will want to check out Sex Is a Funny Word by Corey Silverberg, and Heather Corrina’s S.E.X. is a book that is perfect for providing teenagers reliable answers so that they don’t have to make the Google gamble when questions arise that they don’t feel comfortable asking.

Lis also recommends parents use everyday occurrences as opportunities to listen to kids about what they’re thinking and processing to make conversations about sex more dialogue than lecture.

“When your kids start watching different kinds and movies that address issues surrounding sex and relationships, then talk about them. Start asking, ‘What did you think of that?’ You can even use social media by scrolling through accounts your kids are following and asking their opinions on what posts are saying about sexuality and relationships,” she says.

As kids grow older, those conversations will help them own their sexual history and experiences. They’ll still have to navigate messy breakups, hurt feelings, and overall confusion. But if they start building healthy sexual paradigms early, hopefully they will have a framework to ask the right questions of safe and knowledgeable people as they grow up — even if those people aren’t always their parents.

Complete Article HERE!

Banning classroom talks about gender identity, sexual orientation aren’t helpful to kids or adults

Roberto Abreu, assistant professor in the psychology department at the University of Florida, discusses Florida’s “Parental Rights in Education” bill and its banning discussions of sexual orientation or gender identity in classrooms with young children

Florida Rep. Michele Rayner delivers an impassioned speech vowing to challenge the controversial “Don’t Say Gay” bill passed by Florida’s Republican-led legislature during a rally March 12 on the front steps of City Hall in St. Petersburg, Fla.

By Lisa Deaderick

One of the sections of Florida’s “Parental Rights in Education” bill, passed by the state’s House and Senate, prohibits any discussion of sexual orientation or gender identity in primary grade classrooms. Supporters say the bill will allow parents more participation and control around the discussion of topics they deem “sensitive” or “inappropriate” for young children; opponents, who have dubbed the legislation the “Don’t Say Gay” bill, find this reasoning both illogical and hypocritical.

“This bill is clearly an anti-LGBTQ bill,” says Roberto Abreu, an assistant professor in the psychology department at the University of Florida whose research focuses on the intersection of LGBTQ people of color in their families, parenting and community. “What really gets me about all of this is that parents already make comments in very heteronormative or cisnormative ways that bring up sexuality and sexual orientation and gender” pointing to widely practiced gender reveal parties and casual remarks about children and their classroom crushes.

Abreu, who holds a doctorate in counseling psychology and looks at parent-child relationships of parents of color and their LGBTQ children, took some time to discuss this legislation, how to have these conversations with young children in ways that are appropriate for their age and level of development, and what adults can do to overcome the homophobia and transphobia these bans are rooted in. (This interview has been edited for length and clarity.)

Q: Florida’s “Parental Rights in Education” bill prohibits classroom discussions about sexual orientation or gender identity for students in primary grades or in ways that aren’t considered developmentally or age-appropriate for those students. In your experience, what would be an appropriate age to begin having conversations with children about sexual orientation and gender identity?

A: As soon as children bring it up you can start talking about it. Of course, children will bring it up in developmentally appropriate ways and our response should be in developmentally appropriate ways, right? We have research to show that children start to understand their gender as early as 3 years old, so once they bring it up, those are conversation openings. We shouldn’t be waiting for ‘the big talk’ in adolescence. We should start bringing up those conversations in a developmentally appropriate way as early as possible because the interesting thing is that parents are already bringing these things up. For example, statements like, ‘What girl/boy do you think is cute in your classroom? He/she may have a crush on you.’ Comments about sexual orientation and gender identity are made around children all the time, we just do it in very heteronormative and cisnormative ways. Nothing gets to me more than gender reveal parties where people are revealing gender, biology, chromosomes and genitalia. That’s what we’re doing, is revealing genitalia, so clearly people don’t have a problem talking about this unless it’s in the context of trans and queer folks. Also, shouldn’t we trust teachers, who are trained educators and have experience with youth and development, to have these conversations? We trust them to teach everything else with our kids.

Q: How is that different from assessing a child’s developmental readiness for these kinds of conversations? What is typically used to determine whether a child is developmentally ready to have these kinds of conversations?

A: I don’t know that I see a difference. Thinking developmentally, we should be thinking this way when we introduce any concepts in a classroom, not just when it comes to LGBTQ issues. It’s important, for example, to talk to children in elementary school about the proper and appropriate names for their body parts. I don’t necessarily think that there’s a formula here. The other interesting part about this bill is that it’s almost couched in a way for people to say that they just want to make sure that they’re talking about these things in the right way, and that these aren’t appropriate topics for children this young; but they are appropriate topics because we’ve been talking about them already. In that context, we shouldn’t even be having conversations with children about liking another girl or boy their age because that should also be deemed inappropriate.

Q: What are some examples of what a developmentally or age-appropriate conversation about sexual orientation or gender identity would sound like? What would be covered in that kind of discussion?

A: I’ll use an example from my own personal life. My husband and I have a 7-year-old and he got home one day last year and said, ‘Most of my friends have a mom and a dad.’ How can I have that conversation? (Teachers should also be addressing this in ways that are developmentally appropriate for any child to see their family represented, and know that their teacher cares to have this conversation about their family structure that might be different and maybe isn’t the norm.) Most children won’t have two dads or two moms, but teachers and schools and parents should be having these conversations. With the language of this bill, these kinds of conversations can never happen because how do you explain to a child that they have two dads, without bringing up sexual orientation? Children have questions. You don’t have to talk about romantic relationships at that point, but how do you talk about two men raising a family for a child who has two dads, or two moms, without naming who they are? Books that are being read in classrooms can show a range of people and families. This is just another aspect of diversity, and LGBTQ students deserve to be seen, heard and cared for.

The first thing I do, is I affirm or dispel any myths the child might have heard. In this specific example, I affirm that ‘Yeah, you are correct. Most of your friends don’t have two dads. Your dads are gay, meaning that we are attracted, we are in love, we like to form relationships and families with two men. Your friends’ parents might be heterosexual, or maybe they’re bisexual, but they have a mom and a dad.’ You’re putting the context into words that the child is using themselves. I think it is appropriate to be honest, direct, frank, and to use the language and wording that the child is using.

Q: Why do you think people seem to be so uncomfortable with the idea of educating children about their bodies in ways that include informing them about topics related to sex?

A: I think we’re a very conservative society. I think we can also question why we don’t teach sex-positive education in high school. Why don’t we talk about woman-identified individuals making decisions for their own bodies? Power and control is one explanation. Another could be about adults’ own projection of erroneously thinking that children aren’t ready to have these conversations. They need to be age-appropriate, but I think adults’ own projections about their own discomfort about these topics is part of it. Honestly, though, at the root of it, I think it’s about transphobia and homophobia. These bills are not happening in a scattered manner, and a lot of attention to this bill has been around sexual orientation, but it’s also about gender and legislators trying to erase trans youth. It is about completely erasing groups of people who we do not see as worthy of personhood and humanity, from physical spaces, from history, from books, from everywhere. I think that is the real reason, that it’s the discomfort about trans bodies and queer bodies existing fully and free, and as their authentic selves in society.

Also, society is contradictory. Sex is everywhere: on TV, in the movies, in advertising; but let’s not talk about it with our kids? There is a real dichotomy there. We are OK with lots of displays of sexuality, but not this? Kids need information about sex, and they need it from educators and parents. The problem is most parents are not equipped to talk about it, or simply do not know how. Also, for some kids, school may be the only place where they are accepted.

Q: What are the best ways to think about and approach equipping children with this kind of information?

A: Everyone might have their own reasons, but I think people should get help, and I don’t mean that in a condescending way. As an adult, you should do your own work. If you feel discomfort about talking about these topics — although there is a wealth of literature and evidence and Google — I understand. I understand that people might be uncomfortable, and I’m not mad at anyone’s discomfort, but don’t project that onto other people or pass that on to children or use children as pawns in this. Do your own work, do your own therapy, and equip yourselves with materials and resources, and learn about these topics. I think working on yourself is important, and a great place to start. Here are some examples where you can find age-appropriate LGBTQ books for kids.

Complete Article HERE!