For many caregivers, the idea of talking about sex with their kids may be uncomfortable. But talking about sex with your kids (which is about more than discussing actual intercourse), is important in order for children to develop healthy sexual attitudes and safe sexual behaviors as they get older.
But when exactly should you talk to your kids about sex? What age is best? As you’ll soon see, therapists advise that the conversation evolves over time, with kids learning age-appropriate facts about sex.
If you’re curious as to what that looks like and how to navigate topics related to sex with children of any age, we have expert advice for you. We will address everything from anatomy and the answer to where babies come from to consent and what to do if a teen says that they are ready to have sex.
What Is the Sex Talk With Kids—and Why Is It Important?
If you never talked about sex with your own parents, you may be wondering why it’s important to do so with your own kids; certainly they’ll learn what they need to from their friends or the internet, right? Clinical psychologist Inna Khazan, Ph.D. says this is exactly what you don’t want to happen.
“Yes, kids will hear about sex from their friends and pick stuff up from TV, but there’s so much misinformation out there,” she says. “With small children, this can sometimes be silly. But with older children, misinformation about sex can be tragic and problematic. Having the right information is incredibly important for physical and mental health.”
Talking about sex with your kids is about more than explaining actual intercourse, according to Dr. Khazan. It also includes what to call the reproductive organs, knowing what type of touch is and isn’t okay, birth control, protection against sexually transmitted infections, pornography, masturbation and the potential emotional ramifications of having sex.
Since sex encompasses so much, the conversation works best if it happens incrementally, over time. But that doesn’t mean it won’t be awkward. “This is an uncomfortable topic for both parents and kids,” says psychiatrist Muhammad Zeshan, M.D., an assistant professor of psychiatry at Rutgers New Jersey Medical School in Newark. But he says that when parents do have these conversations with their kids, it establishes trust. “A child may be more likely to share if parents have had a conversation beforehand with them,” he says. And those conversations can start as young as the toddler years.
How Do I Talk to My Kids About Sex?
When Your Child Is a Toddler
During the toddler years is when a child learns the names of different body parts—including the reproductive organs. Instead of using phrases like “pee pee” or “down there,” both experts say that kids should be taught the proper names of the reproductive organs: penis and vulva.
“One reason to teach the proper names is if they have pain there, they need to be able to describe it and knowing the proper names helps,” says Dr. Zeshan. It also takes away a stigma of shame often associated with the reproductive organs, says Dr. Khazan. According to the non-profit Race Against Abuse of Children Everywhere (RAACE), if a child feels shameful about their anatomy, they may be hesitant to open up with their parents if they have a question or concern about it.
Toddlers may be exploring their bodies, including their genitals. If they express that touching their genitals feels good, Dr. Khazan says to relay the message that it’s okay to be curious, but it should be done in private.
When Your Child Is Ages Three to Five
Some preschool-age kids love to run around naked, which is a great opportunity to address nudity. “For little kids [younger than seven], I would communicate that it’s okay to be naked at home, but not in public. Then, when they get a little older, you can tell them that some parts of the body are meant to be private, just for you,” says Dr. Khazan. This, she says, relays information about what is and isn’t appropriate without using shameful language.
If a child continuously enjoys being in the nude, Dr. Zeshan says to ask them what they like about it, getting to the function behind the behavior. For example, is it because being naked makes them feel happy and excited? Free? Calm? Knowing the reason for the behavior makes it easier to address, he explains.
Both experts say that kindergarten to lower elementary school is a good age to teach children the difference between appropriate touch and inappropriate touch, communicating that the reproductive organs (and upper chest for girls) is not for others to touch except for a doctor, if given permission.
When Your Child Is Age Six to Eight
This tends to be the age when kids ask where babies come from. Both experts say you should tell the truth, using simple language. “You might say that two people’s bodies come together and meet each other,” says Dr. Khazan. “You can get into the sperm and egg when they get a little older and are able to understand more, but this can be too complicated for a young child.”
“So many parents get uncomfortable with this question, but just remember that the more you stay calm and address it without judgment, the better you’ll be able to answer it,” adds Dr. Zeshan. Like Dr. Khazan, he advises using simple language. “You can say that there’s a place close to mommy’s tummy where the baby grows,” he says, adding that you should encourage the child to ask questions, if they have any. There will be a chance to address the specifics of how a baby is made during puberty.
When Your Child Is Age Eight to 12
Puberty starts earlier than many parents may realize, according to Dr. Khazan: For girls, it occurs between ages eight and 13, and boys start going through puberty between ages nine and 14. “It’s important to talk to the child about certain changes they’re likely to experience, because this helps establish a foundation of what’s normal,” says Dr. Khazan. “That way, the child knows that there’s nothing to feel shameful or embarrassed about.”
This kind of open conversation will also be helpful when changes happen during puberty—like a girl’s first menstrual cycle—so that the child isn’t surprised and the parent isn’t left scrambling to explain what’s happening in the moment. Again, both experts urge parents to encourage their child to ask questions if they have any, which helps create a more open relationship.
Puberty is also a time when Dr. Zeshan says parents can get more specific about sex, explaining exactly what it is. Part of this, he says, is building upon the “where do babies come from” conversation, explaining the role of the egg and sperm. But sex isn’t just about making babies, of course. “This is the age to educate a child about how sex is done, how it can lead to pregnancy as well as how to avoid pregnancy, and also the importance of consent,” advises Dr. Zeshan. Pre-teens may also have questions about masturbation, and Dr. Khazan says that parents can reiterate the same message they taught them as toddlers: Exploration is normal, but should be done in private.
Since these conversations can be uncomfortable, Dr. Zeshan’s advice is to let the child determine the timing. “When the child is relaxed, ask them if they would like to have the conversation. If they say no, ask when a good time would be and let them know that whenever they are comfortable, you are ready,” he says.
When Your Child Is Age 13 and Older
Fifty-five percent of teens have sex before age 18, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC)[1]. Dr. Khazan says that this is why even if you don’t think your child is sexually active, it’s still important to talk about sex with them during the teen years. This is when you should once again discuss consent, but this time addressing more specifically what it looks like, including when alcohol is involved, and what to do in a situation if they feel they are being pressured.
If a child comes to their parent and asks if they’re allowed to have sex or tells their parent that they are ready to have sex, Dr. Khazan says there is no one way to navigate this that will work for every parent. “This is a very personal decision for each family,” she says. While parents should feel encouraged to express any religious or personal values tied to sex, Dr. Khazan does say if a teenager is fearful of their parent finding out that they are having sex, they may be less likely to come to them if they need help.
“If a teen comes to their parent and says that they want to have sex, a parent can talk with them about the changes it may bring to their life and if they are ready for those changes,” says Dr. Zeshan. A parent can talk about the consequences sex can have—including sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy—without labeling sex as “bad,” he says, adding that if a child develops a negative association with sex, it can lead to issues with intimacy down the road.
Pornography is another topic to address during the teen years. “Approach it in a curious way, not a judgmental way, allowing the teen to ask any questions they have,” says Dr. Zeshan. Instead of shutting down a conversation about porn completely, Dr. Khazan says what’s more effective is telling teens that what happens in pornography does not necessarily reflect reality and that some of what is in porn is demeaning and dangerous.
Even with all this information, talking about sex with your kids may still be uncomfortable. Both experts say this is expected and it’s 100% okay. What’s important is that you’re doing it, which not only creates a more open relationship with your child, but can go a long way in terms of keeping them safe and helping them develop a healthy attitude toward sex. And you didn’t even have to mention anything about birds or bees.
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