Category: Effective Communication

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What Is a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Relationship in Non-Monogamy?

— And can it actually work?

By Gigi Engle

One of the most interesting things about consensual non-monogamy (CNM) is its fluidity. These relationship structures are co-created by partners in order to establish a situation that works for them and their needs, which means that each CNM partnership functions in its own unique ways.

While CNM’s key tenants tend to emphasize openness, communication, and honesty, what this looks like for any given consensually non-monogamous partnership will vary. And for some couples in open relationships, that means not wanting to know anything about what their partners do (sexually/romantically) with other people. Like, at all.

Enter: Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. Not to be confused with the hugely controversial US military policy that discriminated against the LGBTQ community until its 2011 repeal, a Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT) policy in consensual non-monogamy refers to the way partners communicate—or, rather, don’t communicate—about sexual or romantic experiences outside of their relationship.

DADT “is different from other non-monogamous agreements in that it prioritizes a lack of transparency between partners, which goes against the openness and honesty that is typically encouraged in non-monogamy,” says polyamory educator and sex positive advocate Leanne Yau, founder of Poly Philia. This means that partners agree to have sex with and/or date people outside of their relationship, but they don’t disclose those experiences to each other.

The question is: Can these arrangements work for people? And if so, how?

Let’s take a deep dive into what a DADT relationship really is, how it works, and any potential issues that can come up as a result of having an agreement like this—because, spoiler alert, such issues are, uh, not not a possibility.

What is DADT and how does it work?

As we’ve established, DADT means you’re allowed to have sex with people outside of your relationship, but you don’t talk about it with your primary partner. “[It is] a principle used by CNM people so that they can experience freedom from the typical monogamous expectation of sexual exclusivity, but without needing to make clear agreements or practices of transparency,” explains Joli Hamilton, PhD, CSE, a qualitative researcher who focuses on non-monogamy.

Cosmo’s ‘Navigating Non-Monogamy’ columnist Zachary Zane, author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and sex expert for Fun Factory, says it’s important to understand that this is *not* the same as cheating. While DADT does mean not telling your partners about the sex you have with other people, everyone is consenting to the arrangement. “Before you and your partner ever sleep with someone else, you have a sit-down conversation where you make it clear that it is acceptable to sleep with other people under certain circumstances,” Zane says. “And when you do sleep with other people, you do not tell your partner.”

For a DADT arrangement to work, all people involved need to be on board. This means that not only do the primary partners agree to it, but their outside partners also need to be aware of and consent to the DADT agreement. Informed consent is the only way to have ethical non-monogamous dynamics.

Can Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policies really function in a healthy way?

Basically, these agreements can work for some people…if they’re willing to communicate. This may seem paradoxical given that the whole idea of DADT is that you don’t share details with your partner. But in order for a DADT policy to actually work, clear negotiation is crucial. Hamilton says that without communication, the seemingly simple rule of “just don’t tell me anything” can get confusing pretty quickly.

The level at which non-disclosure functions will depend on your relationship boundaries. “A person might ask their partner that they don’t even tell them the basics, such as when they’re going on a date with another person—after all, ignorance can be bliss,” says Yau. “At the extreme end of DADT, a person might just want to pretend that they and their partner are monoamorous, and that there are no other people involved.”

Zane says that these arrangements tend to work best when sex outside the relationship is done sparingly, if one or both partners travels frequently, or if partners are long-distance. “Often, DADTs have a rule that you can only have sex when out of the state,” he explains. “This works well when one partner travels a lot for work. Additionally, the other partner won’t ever ‘run into’ the person their spouse slept with out of state, which can cause drama.”

What are the downsides of DADT arrangements?

Hate to break it to you, but these policies can certainly become problematic. This is especially true if the agreement requires lying about where you were or who you were with in order to avoid disclosing details of outside relationships.

“I think if you find yourself in a situation where you have to lie to your partner about what (and who) you did consistently, this will lead to problems,” Zane says. “Additionally, a partner can start to second guess their spouse’s whereabouts, which can make you become obsessive, resentful, and anxious.”

Basically, it comes down to how your agreement functions in your particular partnership. Surprise: DADT tends to cause issues if you’re using it to avoid the work of dealing with your feelings. “Non-monogamy requires significant emotional work, and avoiding that doesn’t solve the issue,” Yau says.

Hamilton agrees, saying that the lack of communication that is usually present with a DADT can leave couples feeling like they’re walking on eggshells, always unclear of the rules or if they might be breaking them. This can lead to some pretty precarious situations that can be very hard to overcome.

It’s all about intentions, right? If you have a DADT because you simply aren’t interested in knowing about your partner’s other sexual and/or romantic relationships, that’s one thing, but if you have a DADT to avoid difficult feelings, that could be a potential pitfall.

“There is a distinction between partners who don’t want to have that much information about each other’s partners because they simply aren’t interested to know, and partners who are doing it because they want to pretend that it isn’t happening and want to bury their heads in the sand,” Yau says.

If you and your partner want a DADT agreement, here are 3 ways to make it work

Have a crystal clear agreement

Relationship therapist Rea Pearson, a sex-positive BACP-accredited counselor and clinical sexologist, says that couples should literally sit down and write their agreement out. This gives everyone a chance to think through the details and set boundaries. “The agreement would include all the major rules and boundaries that are important to them, but can be reviewed and amended as time goes on. It might include areas such as whether sex is protected or not, and how often partners test for STIs,” she says. It may also include how often partners can see other people, how much time is allotted for other partners, and certain spaces that are off-limits, such as the shared home.

Consider *why* you want this

It’s important to spend some time honestly thinking about your intentions for wanting an agreement like this. Be willing to self-reflect. Hamilton says that she doesn’t encourage clients to enter into DADT agreements because it impacts their ability to grow together.

“If what you want is to be able to pretend that your partner isn’t who they are, I’d encourage you to consider what that will feel like in a year or five,” she says. “If you’re in a short-term situation, then consider if this is how you want to practice relating, because if you get used to making clear, explicit agreements with partners it becomes easier and easier,” she says. “If you practice DADT, you don’t give yourself that opportunity.” Essentially, a DADT can work in a short-term framework, but it rarely has legs to stand the test of time.

Be willing to renegotiate

Lastly, it’s important to understand that just because you have a DADT policy in your relationship doesn’t mean it will always work for you (and, in fact, they rarely do). CNM dynamics deserve to be interrogated. Couples should come back to the table regularly to revisit agreements that are in place and determine if they’re still working for everyone involved. Pearson suggests having a weekly check in. “By checking in regularly, [partners] are far more likely to recognize a problem early on and be able to tackle it before it escalates,” she says.

Being open and willing to change or alter dynamics allows consensually non-monogamous relationships to continue to exist in harmony. While a DADT agreement can work, endeavoring to move to a place of more openness and honesty is likely the best course of action if you want your relationship to, well, stay a relationship.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A sex therapist’s advice on having a successful long-distance relationship

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In the new season of Sex Education, Otis and Maeve, our favourite “will-they-won’t-they” couple (let’s be honest, Ross and Rachel aren’t quite as fun), are taking a chance on love again. However, as ever, things aren’t so easy. This time they have to work out how to be together while apart, as Maeve embarks on a writing course in the US. Yep, they are in an LDR (long-distance relationship).

Typically, LDRs are deemed less successful compared to couples in closer proximity. But being in close proximity doesn’t always go hand-in-hand with relationship satisfaction. I’ve seen this myself as a sex and relationship therapist, where I frequently encounter clients who, despite living side-by-side, still experience feelings of loneliness and a lack of intimacy with their partners.

And, according to a survey in 2021, 58% of couples in LDRs do manage to sustain a satisfactory lasting relationship. So don’t write them off. And if you’re in one yourself, here are some useful tips on how to negotiate the potential pitfalls of an LDR.

1. Texting

As Maeve and Otis’s relationship unfolds, they quickly learn how to navigate through the dos and don’ts of long-distance dating and communication mishaps. For example, while the duo starts off in a playful texting manner, communication suddenly comes to a halt. How the couple engage next is an example of how texts can be hard to interpret and lead to misunderstandings.

Take the question mark for example – it can mean many things. Maeve asks Otis for a sexy picture, a request that goes unanswered so she sends him a “?”. While Maeve is expressing impatience or frustration, feeling like she is being ignored, Otis interprets the text as pressure. While it isn’t her intention, the text contributes to making him feel embarrassed, awkward and under pressure to respond. Same text, different feelings.

In my experience, there are perhaps better ways of communicating by text. When we don’t have the words, we rely instead on limited textual cues – emoticons, question marks, gifs and so on – which makes it easy for our texts to be misconstrued and sometimes get “lost in translation”. Text messaging in LDRs demand exceptional communication skills. So always be clear about what you need (and how to ask for it) and always communicate openly and honestly about how you feel.

Other texting tips to consider when you are in LDRs:

  • Avoid heavy (emotionally loaded) topics by text.
  • Minimise ambiguity when texting to avoid misunderstandings.
  • Always check in with your emotions and self-regulate before texting your partner.
  • Consider time zones and different schedules.
  • Communicate frequently.
  • Be present and responsive during interactions.
  • Organise regular face-to-face meetings to maintain connectedness.

2. Understand attachment styles

Distance can trigger feelings of jealousy and insecurity. Attachment theory provides a valuable framework for understanding the formation of love relationships and what influences how individuals perceive, initiate and maintain romantic connections.

For example, individuals with a secure attachment style tend to have healthier, more stable and satisfying relationships. In contrast, fearful-avoidants fear rejection and often hold negative views of both themselves and their partner.

When researchers looked at how individuals connect and keep their relationships going, they found something interesting. People who are not so sure about their relationships avoid being close. They don’t express their true feelings or don’t like to talk about themselves in the relationship or don’t give much assurance. Assurance in this context is regarding love and how much you care about someone and the relationship. These maintenance behaviours are necessary for relationship satisfaction and for building trust.

For Otis, trust is an issue as he grapples with a new handsome friend of Maeve’s. Feelings of inadequacy rise. Could his greatest fear be abandonment? And if so, might this explain his uncertainty about the status or future of the relationship?

Eventually, Otis opens up about his fears that Maeve is not fully committed and that she might never come back. This is a good example of a couple practising honesty and openly communicating their emotions, ultimately fostering a stronger connection between them.

3. Creative long-distance sex

Research has found that sex is beneficial to our wellbeing, whether it is solo or with a partner(s). Yet often the biggest challenge for monogamous couples in LDRs is the lack of physical closeness.

 

So, how can LDR couples bridge that gap? Otis and Maeve have a go at phone sex, which they enhance with sex toys.

Even though couples are not able to actually touch each other, technology is incredibly useful in maintaining a sense of togetherness. Many sex toy companies have developed a range of toys for long-distance couples, enabling them to connect interactively to their lover’s device.

In our increasingly interconnected world, it is fair to say, that navigating LDRs can be complex. The success of these relationships hinges on many factors, including the quality of communication, the level of commitment, attachment styles, trust, and the coping strategies adopted by those involved.

Meanwhile, despite occasional challenges and setbacks, Otis and Maeve seem to be handling their long-distance relationship quite well.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What is ‘veto power’ in non-monogamous relationships

— And why is it so problematic?

Having the power to ‘veto’ your partner’s other partners can have some seriously messy outcomes.

By Gigi Engle

If you opened up your relationship, would you want the ability to tell your partner’s other partners to piss off if you weren’t down with them? Intrigued? Let’s talk about “veto power.”

Veto power within consensually non-monogamous relationships is a hotly debated topic. People within the CNM community have very strong feelings about it. But, what does it mean to have veto power? “In CNM relationships, ‘veto’ indicates an agreement between primary partners in which they can say no to new or other partners,” says Dr. Celina Criss, a certified sex coach specializing in gender, sexuality, and relationship diversity.

Yes, you read that correctly. It’s the ability to tell your partner that they essentially have to break up with their other partner(s) if you don’t like them or the relationship. If that sounds problematic, that’s because it often is.

Whether you love it or hate it, the concept of veto power is one worth exploring and unpacking. As with all things dating-related, it’s complicated and in need of nuanced conversations.

If you’re active in the online dating realm, you’ve probably been hearing more about CNM — aka ethical non-monogamy or ENM — lately. The term “ethical non-monogamy” has seen a 213 percent spike in searches in the last year alone.

Here is everything you should know about veto power within CNM dynamics.

What is ‘veto power’ in the CNM world?

Veto power is essentially the ability to tell your partner’s other partner(s) to take a hike, if you decide the relationship isn’t working for you anymore. It grants partners the ability to determine who their partner can and cannot have relationships with. It exists within hierarchical CNM dynamics, wherein there are two (or more) primary partners and all other partners are considered ‘secondary.’

Joli Hamilton, a qualitative researcher and relationship coach specializing in non-monogamy, tells us veto power is an explicit or implicit agreement that one partner within a primary relationship can require a change to the structure, intensity, or existence of their partner’s other relationships. This can be true of new partners and existing partners. “Sometimes veto power is explicitly granted as a way to reinforce the idea that an existing couple will remain the priority over any new relationships that may come into existence,” she explains.

Veto power is essentially the ability to tell your partner’s other partner(s) to take a hike, if you decide the relationship isn’t working for you anymore. In order to use veto power in an ethical way (though some would argue it is never ethical), the agreement must be explicit. All partners within the relationship need to understand that the veto power is in place, how it functions for the primary partners, and consent to honoring it. As you may have guessed, this can get quite complicated.

Why would a couple choose to have ‘veto power’ within their relationship structure?

There are a lot of reasons why a couple might choose to enact veto power. Hamilton says that it’s often used as a tool to help couples feel safer when they’re first opening up. Basically, it makes you feel like no matter who else you or your partner might date, you’ll always be the “chosen one.”

“Lots of people want veto power when they are transitioning from a monogamous paradigm to a more expansive relationship structure, in part because they can’t imagine a world where they wouldn’t have a say over what their partner does with their emotions or body,” she explains. This need to be held above all others is born out of ‘compulsory monogamy,’ the socially constructed notion that being monogamous and prioritizing one partner is the “correct” way of existing within a relationship.

And yes, this has problematic implications when you’re practicing CNM because it tries to hold a different way of relating to the monogamous standard. Hamilton says she’s seen plenty of couples use veto power as a means to retain a sense of control, with decidedly mixed results.

The positives of ‘veto power’

Criss tells us that there can be upsides in using veto power within CNM dynamics. If your relationship is consensually hierarchical, the veto can act as a safeguard for the primary partnership. Depending on the outlined agreement between partners, “this objection can be at the beginning of an additional relationship or later, if that relationship has become problematic,” she says. “One way to think of it is as a safe word for CNM: it indicates there is a problem or concern that needs to be addressed.”

When used in this way, the veto acts as less of a tool of control and more as a way to explore issues that come up with primary partners and their other partners. “It can be quite useful,” Criss adds.

Again, for this dynamic to work – the veto, and what it means within your dynamic, needs to be clearly outlined and agreed to by all parties involved in the relationship. When a person within the primary partnership takes on a secondary or tertiary partner, that partner needs to be fully aware of the existing veto power and consent to it. Otherwise, we’re just getting plain old unethical.

Hierarchical polyamorous and open structures are a highly contentious subject within the CNM community – with some people strongly endorsing hierarchy and others believing it is entirely unethical. Those who oppose it point to “monogamy culture,” wherein the idea of the “primary partnership” is of utmost importance – which goes against the very nature of CNM. There isn’t a total consensus.

The drawbacks of ‘veto power’

Veto power offers primary partners a sense of control within relationships, but Moushumi Ghose, a licensed sex therapist, says that the “control” is usually a band-aid for larger issues. Often, the veto is used as a way to avoid dealing with the myriad uncomfortable feelings that come with opening up a relationship. “Veto power is extremely problematic because it creates a power imbalance, essentially. The biggest threat is that one person can close an open relationship simply because of uncomfortable feelings,” she says. It tries to remove the need to face and work through difficult emotions and dynamics that inevitably come up when you’re involved with multiple partners. This doesn’t solve anything, and instead can build resentment.

Veto power can also be problematic when it is used as a means to control your partner’s behavior. Criss tells us that “using a veto to non-consensually control or threaten your partner is not OK, in fact it runs counter to the general idea of CNM.” CNM specifically emphasizes consent and individual autonomy so, when veto power is used as a way to infringe upon a partner’s autonomy, that’s when it becomes an issue.

“Veto power is extremely problematic because it creates a power imbalance.” Hamilton agrees, telling us that veto power can lead to hypervigilance within a relationship, often resulting in monitoring your partner’s behavior such as checking their phones or social media and trying to control who they are with and when. “All of these can increase the amount of jealousy we feel, and none of those behaviors lead to more trust in your partner,” she says. “Instead it keeps you locked in a cycle of watchful waiting for your partner to screw up or overstep your comfort.”

What’s more, even if both primary partners agree that veto power is on the table, it often neglects to consider the feelings, wishes, and boundaries of the (very real) human people who aren’t in the primary partnership. “Veto power removes consent, especially when you consider that in CNM there are multiple people involved,” Ghose says. This can turn into a very messy situation, very quickly.

What to do if your partner asks for ‘veto-power’

Navigating these conversations requires empathy and nuance. “If your partner wants a veto and you’re not into it, this is an opportunity to get curious and investigate,” Criss says.

She suggests exploring the following questions: Why are they asking for this? Are you in alignment with your relationship goals, your CNM dynamic, and how you are feeling about each other?

Hamilton tells us that the need for veto can begin to dissipate once you learn to deal with difficult emotions in a healthy way. “Learn to regulate your nervous system and practice holding your body’s sensations and emotions during times of stress,” she says. This can look like adopting grounding and breathing techniques.

You may want to trade in veto power for authentic ways your partner can make you feel secure – and visa versa. “Have conversations about what security looks like and sounds like for you. Ask for those things to be prioritized,” Hamilton says. “Don’t make your partner guess – actually tell them what it looks and sounds like for you to receive their loving attention. Help them co-create a sense of security with you.”

Sometimes these conversations can be scary or confronting. If you find this is the case, you can always employ the help of a qualified, CNM-friendly sex therapist or coach to help you.

Whatever your journey is, we salute you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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3 Things to Do If You Feel Super Awkward Talking About Sex With Your Partner

— The conversation doesn’t have to be a super serious sit-down chat.

By Jenna Ryu

For some of us, conversations about sex—what we liked, what we didn’t, what turns us on, what absolutely doesn’t—come naturally. But maybe physical intimacy is a taboo topic in your family or culture. Or perhaps you’re totally comfortable with dirty talk when the clothes come off, but the idea of discussing toys or butt stuff with your new partner at the dinner table while fully dressed terrifies you.

“It’s no wonder we’re so uncomfortable talking about sex as a culture. I mean, if you think about most love scenes in movies, the characters never discuss it,” Vanessa Marin, MFT, licensed psychotherapist and author of Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life, tells SELF. “They’re just able to have this magical, effortless, incredible sex.”

But don’t let those perfect camera angles fool you: Most healthy relationships require open and honest communication to thrive—in and out of the bedroom—Marin says. And if you struggle in the carnal conversation department, it’s a skill worth honing, “or else you run the risk of waiting until things are really bad to talk about sex, and it just reinforces this whole misconception that it has to be an uncomfortable topic,” she adds.

So how exactly can you bring up your sexual fantasies without awkwardly hiding under the covers? Here’s Marin’s best advice:

Acknowledge your anxiety.

For many people, sex is an important part of a satisfying relationship, so discussing it with your partner should ideally be no different than talking about stuff like your feelings, life plans, and dealbreakers.

In practice, however, sharing that you’re craving some role-play or a bit of strap-on fun may feel very different from requesting more date nights, Marin says. One way to, well, ease your uneasiness is to acknowledge the anxious elephant in the room (it’s you). Calling this out from the start can help both you and your partner relax, creating an environment that encourages vulnerability.

For instance, you might begin the conversation with something like, “I know we don’t really do this, and it’s kind of awkward, but I really hope both of us can feel safe talking openly about our sex life.” That way, “you can start to get comfortable with the idea that sex is natural and not this hush-hush subject,” Marin says.

Don’t feel like you need to have a capital-S sex talk.

Okay, you’ve finally worked up the courage to chat candidly about your desires. Now what?

You may have a bunch of hot ideas you’re itching to share with your lover, like exploring anal play or experimenting with phone sex. But rather than dumping every dirty thought into one intense and formal sit-down, Marin says it’s best to start small.

For example, you could try reminiscing about one of your favorite not-so-family-friendly memories together (“Remember when we took our time while going down on each other on Valentine’s Day? I’d love to do that again.”) or even just make a quick comment during pillow talk (“That was amazing. Maybe next time we can try some new positions?”) Marin says that asking for what you want more casually—rather than making it this super serious “we need to talk” moment—may help you both recognize that keeping the lines of sexual communication open can be easy and fun.

Use positive language to create a supportive vibe.

Let’s say the sex was really bad. Or you wish you had orgasmed. It can feel really difficult—mean, even—to offer constructive criticism about your partner’s performance. But that doesn’t mean you should bottle it up. “We have to be sensitive with sex because most of us would like to think we’re good in bed, and it’s natural to feel super vulnerable about the ways we might not be getting it right,” Marin says.

Instead of going straight into problem-solving mode and pointing out what they need to “fix,” a kinder and more effective approach is to focus on what is working for you. So if your partner doesn’t really engage in foreplay and you’d really appreciate it if they would take their time, you might tell them something along the lines of, “It turns me on so much when you go slow and kiss me everywhere,” Marin suggests.

Not only is that framing less likely to bruise their ego and put them on the defensive than asking them to “seriously, stop rushing,” she says, but communicating what you want versus what you don’t also increases your chances of actually getting it—and getting off.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Deconstructing Stonewalling

— This toxic approach to conflict is unintentional or intentional and verbal or nonverbal

Shutting down. Clamming up. Walking out. Giving up.

We all hope that we’ll rise to the occasion and communicate clearly in tough situations — that we’ll stand up for ourselves while being respectful of the needs and feelings of the people we care about.

But sometimes, when the going gets tough, our emotional walls get higher. And with every delay, distraction and deflection — every slammed door, dismissive comment and dodged conversation — those walls become harder to scale.

Psychologist Susan Albers, PsyD, breaks down the concept of stonewalling — what it is, why it happens, and what to do if the behavior is threatening your relationships.

What is stonewalling?

Stonewalling is way of intentionally or unintentionally, verbally or nonverbally withdrawing from a conflict. While some people stonewall on purpose to assert control or do harm, the behavior is often inadvertent. Dr. Albers likens it to turning off the light switch. “You’re having a conversation and all of a sudden, the other person shuts off. Not just verbally or physically — they emotionally disengage.”

She explains that the way we talk about stonewalling in relationships is largely the result of psychologist John Gottman’s writing on the topic. His Cascade Model of Relationship Dissolution uses the imagery of “the four horsemen of the apocalypse” to describe the four ineffective communication styles that he believes can predict divorce. The four styles are:

  1. Criticism.
  2. Defensiveness.
  3. Contempt.
  4. Stonewalling.

His work is influential enough that it’s probably one of the first sources that pops up when you research “stonewalling” online. But even though the most popular writing on the topic focuses on romantic relationships, Dr. Albers says any relationship can encounter stonewalling. Best friends, coworkers, family members … you name it. Politicians stonewall all the time, as do lawyers. Heck, we all do it sometimes!

Stonewalling is a common tactic because (at least in the short term) it works. It’s a defense mechanism that stops the immediate conflict from progressing any further. And it gives the person doing the stonewalling a sense of safety and control over the situation.

But in the long term, Dr. Albers cautions that disengaging from conflict — consciously or unconsciously — can damage or even destroy a relationship.

Unintentional and intentional stonewalling

Building a wall isn’t something you do by accident, but stonewalling might be.

“Unintentional stonewalling is often a sign that someone is having difficulty coping with the conversation,” Dr. Albers explains. “They may be conflict avoidant. It might even be a fight-or-flight response: They need to escape.”

And it’s often the case that people simply don’t have the skills or capacity they need to have the conversation in that moment. “It doesn’t come from a place of wanting to disconnect or distance,” she says. “It’s just not knowing how to have that conversation in a healthy and productive way.”

She adds that stonewalling is a common tactic for people with depression or who have an anxious attachment style. Disengagement can also be a protective measure for a person who struggles with a high level of anxiety or has endured significant trauma. In that case, stonewalling may be a way to calm down and feel safe again. For people who grew up in dysfunctional households, it may be a learned behavior.

In still other cases, stonewalling is a deliberate and emotionally abusive act. A person who stonewalls on purpose is exerting control over (and often demeaning) another person by acting as if their attention and interest are a reward to be “earned.” People with narcissistic personality disorder may be especially inclined toward this behavior.

Verbal and nonverbal stonewalling

Shutting down communication will look different from person to person and situation to situation. According to Dr. Albers, stonewalling can be verbal or nonverbal.

Verbal stonewalling can take the form of “the silent treatment,” but it can be subtler than that, too. Changing the topic, only offering clipped, one- to two-word responses and refusing to answer questions can have the same effect. In some cases, there actually is a conversation happening, but one person is filibustering, or being dismissive, accusatory or aggressive in a way that’s designed to end the discussion.

Nonverbal stonewalling can be as straightforward as avoiding contact or getting up and walking away. Sometimes, it’s a question of body language — rolling one’s eyes, adopting a closed-off posture or refusing to make eye contact. Physical stonewalling can also involve shifting focus. “The biggest one I see is people taking out their phone,” Dr. Albers states. “That stops the conversation immediately.”

The best indicator that somebody’s stonewalling you is how it makes you feel. You may feel frustrated, helpless, confused, disrespected or angry.

How stonewalling can hurt a relationship

Truth be told, everybody stonewalls occasionally. We all experience moments when we just can’t, and that’s OK. It only becomes a problem for a relationship when it goes unaddressed. And if stonewalling becomes an engrained pattern — an established communication style between two people — it can be devastating.

“Stonewalling leaves conflict unresolved, and it can make the other person feel disrespected, or that their perspective isn’t important or valued.” Dr. Albers says. “Sometimes, people just give up, which creates an emotional distance that can be difficult to repair.”

How to stop stonewalling

The apocalypse metaphor Gottman uses to talk about stonewalling in relationships might make your situation feel hopeless. And sure, unlearning a behavior like stonewalling is difficult. But Dr. Albers encourages you to look on the bright side.

“The good news is stonewalling is a pattern that can be addressed,” she reassures. “Once you recognize that you’re doing it, it’s something that can be changed, and that change can do wonders for your relationship.”

So, how do you go about breaking down a wall?

Name the behavior and take a ‘time out’

Dr. Albers shares that the first thing you need to do to stop stonewalling is recognize the behavior in the moment. Particularly if you’re the one doing the stonewalling.

Labeling or naming a behavior can make a big difference because you’re offering the person you’re talking to insight into what’s happening in your head, and why.

“Tell the person you’re talking to that, ‘I’m shutting down right now.’” Dr. Albers advises. “Emphasize that what the person has to say is important, but that you need to calm down before re-engaging in the conversation.” Then, set up a time — minutes, hours or days later — to return to the discussion.

“Don’t just leave it hanging,” she urges.

Here are a few other tips for breaking through a wall — yours, or somebody else’s:

Empathize

If you’re the one doing the stonewalling, acknowledge that your need to step away from a conflict is likely impacting the other person’s feelings — that they may be frustrated, hurt or angry.

If you’re the one being stonewalled, tell the other person that you recognize how difficult it must be for them to have the conversation.

Be mindful of your body language

Are you sitting with your arms and legs crossed? Are you looking at the floor instead of the person you’re talking to? Are you clenching your jaw? Is your body rigid, your posture frozen? “Sometimes, we’re not aware that we’re giving signals that we don’t want to talk,” Dr. Albers points out.

Vocalize your needs

Change doesn’t happen overnight — especially when the thing you’re trying to change is a communication style. And conflict isn’t one-sided. That means there needs to be give and take on both sides.

At some time when you aren’t actively in conflict, have a conversation about what you each need to get through difficult conversations. If you struggle to articulate your thoughts and feelings when you’re upset, you might need time to write things out before having a tough conversation. Or maybe the other person isn’t at a place where they can maintain eye contact during a conflict, so they need to be allowed to demonstrate engagement in another way.

Accommodating each other’s needs — even in difficult moments — is a sign of respect and good faith.

Stay emotionally engaged

It’s happening. You’re shutting down, freezing up, disconnecting. You’re not able to have this conversation right now.

That’s OK. Talking isn’t everything.

“You can still engage with someone emotionally without having a conversation,” Dr. Albers offers. “Maybe you don’t leave the room. You sit next to them. You hold their hand. Even if you’re not going to be able to have that conversation, you can still be emotionally engaged.”

Respond calmly

It’s always important to be respectful in your conversations, but it’s extra important if you know that the person you’re trying to communicate with is conflict averse, anxious or has a history of trauma. Raising your voice, interrupting or adopting an aggressive posture will push a stonewaller away. Active listening skills can go a long way in a situation like this.

“Even if you don’t like what the other person is saying, respond calmly,” Dr. Albers stresses. “It’s more likely to encourage them to keep going versus shutting them down.”

See a therapist

If stonewalling has become your go-to technique for dealing with difficult situations, it could be a good idea to unpack the reasons why with a counselor. Not only can they help you sort through any underlying issues that are impacting your behavior, but they can also help you learn and practice healthier communication styles.

If there’s a specific relationship where the behavior needs to be addressed, couples, marriage or family counseling could be especially useful.

Tearing down walls and building bridges

When we stonewall, we’re emotionally disengaging from a conflict. Sometimes, we do it on purpose, and sometimes, we do it without realizing it. Stonewalling can take many forms. Sometimes it’s physical, like walking away or avoiding somebody. Sometimes, it’s giving somebody “the silent treatment.” And sometimes, we stonewall with words, by changing the subject or minimizing the situation.

Although some individuals stonewall on purpose to assert control or do harm, the behavior is often unintentional. That’s because it’s a natural response to a situation where an individual lacks the capacity to handle their feelings or communicate effectively. Stonewalling is a particularly common coping mechanism for people with anxiety, depression a history of trauma or a conflict-avoidant personality.

While it’s an understandable defense mechanism that we all employ from time to time, habitual stonewalling is toxic to relationships — be they romantic, familial, friendly or professional. It can be a tough habit to break, but it’s worth the effort. Once you recognize it’s happening — and learn to respond in a different way — your relationships with other people will be easier to navigate and (we couldn’t resist) a lot less rocky.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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5 Simple Ways to Keep Your Sex Life Sizzling

By Shauna Harris

We all have busy schedules, routines, children, families, pets, careers, appointments, friends—shall I go on? Our lives are jam-packed with this and that, and then some more. Who even has time to read about tips to keep the flames of passion burning bright in your relationship?

That’s part of the problem; We make time for what we prioritize. We all know that life can get busy and routines can take over, but fear not. Reviving and maintaining an exciting sex life is easier than you think—let’s dive into five easy ways to keep things hot.

1. Communication is key

Think of communication as the secret ingredient that spices up the intimate moments. Open and honest discussions about your likes, dislikes, desires, fantasies, and boundaries lay the foundation for a fulfilling sex life. Create a safe space where you both feel comfortable sharing your thoughts, needs, and concerns.

Being vulnerable is exactly what is needed to elevate the heat. Exploring each other’s desires can lead to exciting discoveries and deeper emotional connections. One very helpful tip here is make sure these heart to hearts occur outside of the bedroom.

2. Prioritize quality time

Life can be a rollercoaster, and sometimes it feels like there just isn’t enough time for anything, let alone sex. Here’s the thing: prioritizing quality time together is crucial.

Schedule regular date nights or special weekends away from the hustle and bustle. Disconnect from the outside world, put away your phones, and focus on each other. Rediscovering one another in new settings can reignite the sparks and help you create lasting memories.

3. Embrace adventure together

Remember when you first started dating and everything felt like an adventure? Bring that excitement back into your sex life by trying new things together.

Explore different positions, experiment with role-play, introduce adult toys if you’re comfortable with them, or even spice things up with some sensual games. The key is to step out of your comfort zone and enjoy the journey of discovering new activities and fun things to do together.

4. Keep the flirtation alive

Flirting isn’t just for the early stages of a relationship, it’s an ongoing process that can keep your connection alive and vibrant. Send playful texts throughout the day, leave love notes in unexpected places, or simply complement each other genuinely.

Flirting isn’t just about getting each other in the mood; It’s a reminder of the strong attraction you have for one another.

5. Focus on self-care

Here’s a little secret: your personal wellbeing has a profound impact on your sex life. When you feel confident and good about yourself, it reflects in the bedroom.

Take time for self-care activities that boost your self-esteem and overall sense of happiness. Exercise, eat well, get enough sleep, meditate, read, or indulge in a hobby you love. When you’re in a positive state of mind, you’ll be more open to intimacy and enjoying the pleasures of your relationship.

Bonus tip: Laughter is an aphrodisiac

Don’t underestimate the power of laughter! Sharing lighthearted moments and inside jokes can create an intimate bond that’s truly unique to your relationship.

Whether it’s watching a funny movie, reminiscing about funny moments you’ve shared, or just letting yourselves be goofballs together, laughter can enhance the emotional connection that fuels great sex.

The takeaway

Remember, keeping your sex life sizzling is a journey that requires effort from both partners. Be patient with each other, and don’t be discouraged by hiccups along the way. It’s all part of the process of growth and exploration. If you ever find yourselves in a rut, don’t hesitate to seek guidance from a professional who can offer tailored advice to suit your specific needs.

Your sex life is an ever-evolving aspect of your relationship. By nurturing open communication, prioritizing quality time, embracing adventure, keeping the flirtation alive, and focusing on self-care, you can ensure that things continue to sizzle in the sheets.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What is parallel play in relationships and why should you do it?

— It’s not a sex position, it’s better

By Sera Bozza

Do you feel too attached to or too independent of your partner? ‘Parallel play’ may be the secret to resurrecting your relationship – and it’s most likely not what you think.

Years ago, I was lost in my own world of Pinterest — my more wholesome version of doomscrolling — searching for “inspiration” while my ex-boyfriend was on the couch next to me, eager to start watching a movie.

But here’s the catch: he didn’t want to start the movie alone. He needed us both immersed in the movie together. Sigh.

It would have been the ultimate clapback if I had known about the ‘parallel play’ concept back then. And, no, while it may sound like a sex position (and sure, that’s one way of freezing an argument), it’s a much more efficient way for you to communicate and reclaim your solo hobbies while enjoying your couple time.

What is parallel play?

Two toddlers immersed in their own toys, sitting next to one other but not actually engaging, isn’t an anomaly; it’s known as parallel play. Mildred Parten, a sociologist, discovered it in 1929 and discovered that we start displaying this form of social engagement at age two.

Being together but absorbed in our respective activities is seen as a pillar of unconditional friendship. Regarding romantic relationships, though, we see things as much more binary. Deep conversations over romantic meals or alone time on opposite sides of the house, and with it, usually mounting resentment from one or either partner. 

Parallel play is the delight of being together with your partner without having to combine your activities. It strikes a compromise between intimacy and independence, providing shared experiences but not shared activities.

Why practising parallel play is crucial in romantic relationships

Parallel play allows both partners to create their own rhythm without stepping on each other’s toes. It’s not about ignoring each other but enjoying one other’s company while doing different things. Individually expressing yourselves so that neither feels suffocated.

Despite the fact that parallel play implies some independence, availability is still the name of the game. It’s crucial to know that if you want to share something amusing or intriguing, the other will pay to listen and respond, even if only for a few seconds.

Your companion is only an arm’s length away while you’re engrossed in your own world. It’s similar to having a safety net with loose ropes. Combining independence with closeness is an excellent approach, promoting a balanced relationship where autonomy does not trump connection.

It’s an excellent approach to maintaining personal space inside your shared space: every relationship necessitates some form of compromise. However, parallel play gives couples those rare moments when compromising takes a back seat. It’s a nod of agreement that says, ‘You have your thing, and I have mine. And that’s fine.’

Parallel play versus disconnection

It’s easy to confuse parallel with just being parallel, but here’s the difference: parallel play is an invitation to connect on different conditions, not an excuse for distance.

Parallel play is about intent rather than inattention: it is an intentional decision to do something enriching in the presence of your partner while they engage in their own enriching endeavour. It is not just about coexisting but about coexisting with purpose.

Parallel play provides a safe space to explore your personal needs and interests – and you practise self-care before sharing care. You’ll be better positioned to interact fully with your spouse later if your own interests thrive. 

Tips for parallel playing, well!

The best place to start is to sit down and decide what kinds of activities will work for this side-by-side hangout (and which won’t).

The idea is to use this time to cultivate a hobby or interest that is completely yours, not something that you and both enjoy and usually do together.

Lastly, parallel play should not be a chore. Continue to balance your time in your relationship with time spent alone, together, with friends, and in any other way that gets you closer and stronger as a couple.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Here’s How Anxiety Affects Your Ability To Orgasm

By Claire Fox, GiGi Engle

If you’re someone who deals with stress and anxiety, the unwanted mental and physical effects can creep up during the most inopportune times. Perhaps you’re just hanging out, catching up on the latest episode of your favourite TV show and suddenly you begin to worry about everything in your life. Maybe you’re worrying about nothing in particular, but feel panicky nonetheless. Symptoms of anxiety include ruminating in your own thoughts, focusing on past regrets, a racing heart, sweaty palms, and a general feeling of impending doom. It’s a sneaky not-so-little feeling that can happen at any moment. And one of the worst moments it can strike is when you’re having sex and trying to orgasm.

“Anxiety and stress can have a huge impact on someone’s physical and mental health all around the body and, unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for sex, arousal and pleasure to be affected, too,” AASECT-certified sex therapist Melissa Cook tells Refinery29. During sex you’ll want to be present and enjoy the moment, but if you’re feeling anxiety during the act — whether it’s related or unrelated to sex — that can be a problem for your pleasure and your partner’s. This inability to be in the moment can affect your ability to climax.

Of course, orgasming isn’t the only goal of sex, but for many, it’s an important part of the sexual experience. And if you’re feeling anxious during foreplay, intercourse, oral play, or other sexual activities, reaching climax becomes harder, making it feel almost unreachable. Here’s exactly how feelings of anxiousness and stress can mess with your orgasms, and what you can do about it.

Anxiety Kills The Mood In Your Brain

For many people, focus is a critical element in experiencing an orgasm. And this is especially the case for those with vulvas. Many of us are conditioned to cater to our partner’s pleasure (especially if that partner is a cis man), putting it above our own, as society has long given precedent to the male orgasm. For those who aren’t men, orgasm can often feel secondary: great if it occurs, but certainly not necessary for a complete sexual experience.

Focusing on our bodies, without shame, can prove very difficult given this context. Though it varies from person to person, it takes the average woman about twenty minutes to become aroused enough to have intercourse. Allowing yourself the time to relax and get to that place can be an anxious person’s personal hell.

When you’re anxious, you typically can’t focus or be “in the mood” to orgasm. According to Avril Louise Clarke, a clinical sexologist and intimacy coordinator at ERIKALUST, anxiety has the ability to disrupt sexual energy and pull you entirely out of a positive headspace. “These negative emotions can interfere with the body’s ability to relax and fully engage in sexual activities,” she says. “The ‘fight or flight’ response triggered by stress can lead to heightened tension, making it difficult to reach orgasm.” In other words, when your mind is elsewhere, it creates a barrier to sexual pleasure.

“What’s more, when someone is anxious, they may be more likely to be self-critical of themselves, including about their body or sexual performance,” Cook adds. “This can affect someone’s self-worth and their overall sexual body image which can prevent someone from reaching orgasm or fully enjoying the experience.”

And it’s not just orgasms that are impacted by anxiety and stress. “In fact, sex as a whole can be affected by these feelings,” Cook explains. “To begin with, any type of stress, but especially chronic stress, can decrease someone’s desire to have sex. An anxious or stressed mind can result in someone not being fully present in the moment, meaning they lack libido or struggle to focus during sex.”

Anxiety Messes With Arousal

Stress and anxiety have long been linked to physical sexual concerns, as well. “This is because anxiety and stress can alter the body’s blood vessels and constrict them which makes it harder for someone to experience arousal and pleasure as during an orgasm the blood vessels rush to the genitalia.”

When you are aroused and when you orgasm, the body is flooded with dopamine, the brain’s motivation hormone, and oxytocin, the “love hormone,” which promotes feelings of tranquillity, closeness, and pair bonding. It’s a cocktail of all things that feel good.

When you’re stressed, your body releases cortisol, the body’s stress hormone. It is basically the arch-nemesis of orgasms. “Studies have found that an increase in the hormone cortisol can reduce overall sensitivity, again making it harder for that person to feel aroused and achieve orgasm,” Cook says. Plus, apart from stress’ impact on sex, studies have also linked cortisol to poor sleep, weight gain, and overall feelings of personal distress.

Because of these hormonal changes, stress and anxiety can also lead to vaginal discomfort. “In women, anxiety can result in the vagina muscles contracting frequently which can make penetration very challenging and sometimes painful,” Cook says. This can lead to pain, spotting, or tearing during sex. In short, anxiety impedes your ability to create the hormones needed to become properly sexually aroused.

How To Stop Anxiety From Hindering Your Orgasms

So how exactly can you have more orgasms and try to quiet the anxious thoughts inside your brain? “The most important thing to remember is you’re not alone and there are plenty of steps you can take that will help you to hopefully feel more relaxed in the bedroom and get closer to achieving orgasm,” Cook says.

Forget About Orgasms

For one, when you put pressure on yourself to orgasm, you become more stressed about not orgasming, which only makes experiencing orgasm that much harder. It’s a treacherous sexual catch-22. So, you might want to consider taking orgasm off the table for a bit and stop making climax the goal of sex. Learning to give weight to sexual pleasure in and of itself, rather than holding orgasm as the pinnacle of sexual fulfilment is a beneficial practice, in general. If you take away the pressure, sometimes things just flow better and make the whole experience enjoyable.

Communicate With Your Partner/s

Communication between sexual partners also goes a long way to help with stress in the bedroom. “I always advise couples to communicate first, in a safe and non-judgmental way,” says Cook. “Perhaps there is something that you feel you need in order to be able to orgasm or maybe you’d like to do things differently. Either way, you should both listen to each other and create an open environment where you can talk about your desires, preferences and boundaries.”

Build A Relaxing Environment

In the bedroom itself, it can also be helpful to build the right, comfortable atmosphere. “Consider lighting, candles and music to help you to relax and get into the moment,” Cook says. “You may also want to try foreplay in various settings including in the bath to help you to switch off.”

Try Breathwork Exercises

Another way to combat anxiety when it comes creeping in during sex is to simply breathe, which we often forget to do during sex. “Techniques to help you stay calm and focused on the sensations can help too, such as breathwork,” says Cook. Consciously pulling your breath into your body, letting it fill you, and releasing it slowly can help calm your mind and body. For more techniques, check out more breathing exercises here.

Avoid Drugs & Alcohol

Though it may sound counterintuitive, you should also avoid things like alcohol and drugs if you’re having trouble orgasming due to stress and anxiety. “While many see them as a relaxant, it’s also common for them to impact sexual ability and function,” Cook says.

Perhaps most importantly, though, try your best not to panic if you’re feeling anxious during sex. Be open about your feelings with your partner. Accept this challenge as a part of your life and commit to alleviating anxiety, when possible. Remember, it’s OK to ask for help.

Don’t Suffer In Silence

Anxiety — whether it’s a disorder you struggle with daily or something that happens sporadically — is a huge pain, but if we take time to recognise it for what it is and develop skills to cope, we can keep it from messing with our orgasms.

Orgasms aside, it’s also important to recognize the kind of anxiety you experience, whether it is sporadic or a more far-reaching mental health issue. If you experience debilitating anxiety on a regular basis, seeking professional help is a great first step. Society stigmatizes mental health almost as much as it does sex. Depending on the person, anxiety may or may not need the help of outside sources. Regardless, taking control of yours is a sign of strength.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to explore kink safely

— Whatever you’re into, here’s what you need to know…

By Alice Porter

If you’re looking to change up your sex life and try new things, you might be interested in exploring the world of kink. But whether you’re googling new kinks in a private browser or dipping your toe into something like BDSM with a partner, you might end up feeling a little overwhelmed.

And if your only introduction to kink is how it’s portrayed in the media (Fifty Shades of Grey, we’re looking at you), you might assume it’s all dungeons, ropes and floggers. Of course, this is the case for some people, but there’s so much more to kink than just latex and rough sex and there are plenty of ways to explore it that are safe and pleasurable.

With more people exploring kink than ever – Feeld, the kinky dating app, saw a 250% rise in users between 2021 and 2022 – it’s worth knowing your safe words from your scene acronyms.

If you’re new to kink, you’re likely discovering lots of ideas that are new to you. This is exciting and you might just be about to open yourself up to a whole new world of pleasure. But there are a few things to keep in mind to ensure you and your partner(s) are safe as you step into a wonderful new world.

But listen, kink isn’t for everyone and it’s not something you should be pressured into by either society or a sexual partner. Sometimes good old back to basics sex is great. There’s a reason vanilla is everyone’s favourite flavour.

What is kink?

Kink refers to a wide range of sexual interests and activities, but it’s generally defined as a sexual activity or interest that society, generally, might consider unconventional. This includes things like roleplay, outdoor sex and power dynamics like Dom/Sub play, praise and degradation and cuckolding (watching your partner have sex with someone else).

You might have also heard of fetishes, which are slightly different, as they tend to involve attractions to very specific non-sexual things, like an inanimate object or a body part, such as feet. It’s important not to get kink and fetish confused because a fetish is a very specific sexual proclivity whereas kinks are much more common, although there are plenty of overlaps.

The most common kink you’ve probably heard of is BDSM, which stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism. It’s a catch-all term for lots of different types of relationships, dynamics and experiences, that often involve practices like choking, spanking and other elements of rough sex, if both partners consent to this. But many elements of BDSM are purely psychological, involving relationships where one person is sexually dominant and the other is sexually submissive.

Are BDSM and rough sex the same thing?

Rough sex isn’t necessarily BDSM and if rough sex is your kink, that doesn’t mean you’ll naturally be into chains and whips or psychological games and control. Rough sex tends to refer to sexual experiences that incorporate elements of pain or intensity for the purpose of pleasure. Of course, elements of rough sex are often part of BDSM practices and relationships, but they don’t have to be.

“Interestingly for many, BDSM doesn’t always include rough sex, but for some that enjoy combining rough sex with BDSM, there may be a mixture of consensual sadomasochism and power play dynamics happening,” explains Ness Cooper, a therapist and resident sexologist for sex toy company Jejoue. “Within some Dom and sub relationships, the individuals involved don’t explore sadomasochism at all and more see it as a form of relationship structure built around care, such as service submission or female led relationships,” Cooper continues.

Sometimes, simply knowing that you’re submissive or dominant to your partner is enough to turn you on and there are plenty of ways to show this that don’t involve physical domination. What matters is that you know your limits and how far you’re willing to give up control or be controlled, in and out of the bedroom.

“For some BDSM is a way of forming relationship routines and rituals, and this doesn’t have to include roughness or pain,” Cooper adds. “Rather these individuals may thrive from having a structured relationship that a heteronormative vanilla non-BDSM relationship structure doesn’t offer.”

How to stay safe when exploring kink

Kinks vary a lot and some kinks are riskier than others. For example, if your kink is wearing a particular type of outfit and engaging in gentle roleplay, there may be less of a physical risk than if your kink is being spanked with a paddle. Either way, there are a few things to keep in mind to make sure your experience of exploring kink is safe, sane and consensual.

1. Have a proper conversation about consent

It’s crucial that you take the time to talk about consent with a new partner and ensure you keep having these conversations on a regular basis, particularly if you’re experimenting with more unusual kinks or BDSM.

This might also include specifying what you like and dislike, which could change over time. “If you’re exploring any forms of rough play, chat about areas that you’re ok with being marked,” Cooper recommends. “Talk about consent and explore consent models that may work for your relationship dynamic,” she adds. There are a couple of consent models to consider, including FRIES and RACK. FRIES stands for consent that is Freely Given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic and Specific. Apply this checklist when discussing what you do and don’t consent to. Or use RACK, which stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink when you’re discussing the possible outcomes of what you’re about to do. Do some research on consent to help facilitate your conversations and figure out what works for you.

2. Take things slowly

Just because you’re experimenting with kinky sex, that doesn’t mean you need to jump right in at the deep end and passion in the heat of the moment doesn’t excuse rushing in and not giving or getting consent. It can be exciting trying something new, especially if the idea of it turns you on, but your body and your brain will need time to adjust so don’t go steaming in.

“If you’re exploring BDSM with someone for the first time, including sex may be too much all at once and may result in some individuals crashing quickly during the experience,” says Cooper. “Taking things slowly and breaking things up into micro BDSM sessions [where you don’t actually have sex] may be easier at first until you’re both used to how each other’s bodies react.”

When it comes to other kinks and fetishes, you don’t have to dedicate a whole evening to them. There are ways you can incorporate them into the type of sex you usually have, easing yourself and your partner(s) in with little tasters here and there.

3. Keep things clean

If your kinks involve any types of prop or toy, remember the importance of hygiene. Taking your toys to the sink after hours of hot sex isn’t the hottest part of sex, but it’s definitely worth doing in order to avoid infections and things like thrush.

Looking after yourself as well as your toys is also important, explains Cooper. “Cleaning any areas that may have consensual marks before and after is important to avoid infection and making sure you disinfect items such as spanking paddles can help reduce any future risks,” Cooper adds.

4. Use safe words

A safe word is a term or phrase that signifies that one partner wants whatever is happening to stop. Choose one with your partner(s) and agree on what it means to you. For example, does it mean you simply want to stop the specific thing that is happening and move on to something else, or do you want to take a break from the scene altogether? Many people use the traffic light system – red, amber, green – so there’s a way to signify both of these things.

“Keeping safe words simple and accessible is important and talking through them before BDSM play is important,” Cooper says.

5. Remember aftercare

One of the most important parts of exploring a kink is aftercare. This is the part post-sex where you check in with your partner, talk about what just happened, what you enjoyed and what you didn’t enjoy and what you’d do differently next time. After sex, especially doing something kinky or new, it’s normal to feel vulnerable, so take this opportunity to show each other care and support.

If you’ve had some intense moments in your play session, ease each other down off the adrenaline high with soothing cuddles, massages and anything that makes you both feel good. Aftercare can be as simple as a shower together and a cup of tea.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Best Relationship Advice We’ve Gotten So Far This Year

— Strategies to resolve silly fights, hurt feelings and other issues.

By Catherine Pearson and Jancee Dunn

Experts increasingly know that human connection is integral to well-being, every bit as essential as getting enough sleep or moving your body. But relationships, particularly romantic partnerships, can be tricky. And we seldom receive the straightforward, evidence-based guidance we might get from a doctor about exercise or rest.

Relationships are a big part of what we cover on the Well desk, and we spend lots of time talking to researchers and therapists who are steeped in this stuff. So we are looking back on some of the best relationship advice we’ve covered so far in 2023.

Here is a roundup of tips to keep your connection strong and healthy.

Those silly-but-frequent fights have a root cause.

If you find yourself squabbling with your partner over low-stakes matters such as unwashed dishes or dirty laundry, pick a calm moment and sit down together, said Talal Alsaleem, a couples counselor from Rosedale, Calif.

Then, explore what is actually bugging you about the situation. Often, “it’s safer to fight about taking out the garbage” than about issues that revolve around, say, feeling powerless or dismissed, Dr. Alsaleem said.

Delve deeper to figure out what sets you off, said Patricia Lamas Alvarez, a couples therapist from South Pasadena, Calif., by asking yourself questions like: “What feeling does this bring up for me? Is it something I felt in childhood?” Then share these insights with your partner.

Ask this question if a loved one is upset.

When Heather Stella, a special-education teacher in upstate New York, has a student who is agitated or overwhelmed, she asks them one question: Do you want to be helped, heard or hugged?

This simple question, Jancee Dunn discovered, works just as well in adult relationships. It shows empathy, respects boundaries, calms swirling emotions and helps partners take positive action.

Finding out whether your loved one wants to be helped, heard or hugged is really asking, “How can I meet your needs?” said Jada Jackson, a licensed mental health counselor in Dallas.

Defuse a fight with four simple phrases.

Here’s a situation that might seem familiar: As a conflict with your partner rises, you picture a thought-balloon above their head and fill it with whatever you imagine they are thinking.

This relationship-sabotaging habit is known as “unconscious storytelling,” said Terrence Real, a family therapist and the author of “Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship,” and “it can escalate an argument and distort the issue.” Instead of making assumptions that are possibly untrue, Mr. Real counsels people to share perceived slights using a therapeutic tool known as “the feedback wheel.”

It consists of four prompts: This is what I saw or heard. This is what I made up about it. This is how I felt. This is what would help me feel better. (The final statement, is vital, because “you can’t complain about not getting what you never asked for.” Mr. Real said.)

This process can help you shift from anger to vulnerability, Mr. Real said, so you can communicate respectfully, without placing blame.

Beware of ‘phubbing.’

“Phubbing” — a portmanteau of “phone” and “snubbing” — is an admittedly goofy word. But research shows that ignoring your partner to engage with your phone can lead to marital dissatisfaction and distrust.

“It really can have an impact,” said Anthony Chambers, the chief academic officer at the Family Institute at Northwestern University, even if one partner is just glancing briefly at his or her phone in the middle of a conversation.

Couples should set clear rules around phone use, said Katherine Hertlein, a professor at the Kirk Kerkorian School of Medicine at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, who studies the effect of technology on couples and families. Consider setting phone-free zones, like the dinner table or bedroom.

And don’t let resentments simmer. “As soon as you’re starting to identify those feelings of being hurt or frustrated or being snubbed,” Dr. Chambers said, “those are the times when you need to let your partner know.”

Increase your tolerance for talking about sex.

Most people rarely talk about sex with their partners, said Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist and co-author of “Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life.” Or, as she previously told The Times, they discuss it only when there’s an issue.

But Ms. Marin believes communication is the foundation of a satisfying sex life, and talking about it is a skill partners can learn. She recommends starting with compliments, maybe about your partner’s appearance or about the connection you share. It can increase intimacy, and ease you into talking about sex on a more regular basis.

Or, consider a “sexual state of the union,” said Emily Morse, a sex educator who told The Times that couples should have a frank conversation about how things are going about once a month.

Keep it brief — not more than 10 minutes, Ms. Morse said — and try to be compassionate and open. Ask questions like: What would you like to see more of in our sex life?

Make the most of outside help.

Many couples delay seeing a therapist until they are stuck in patterns that have calcified, said Orna Guralnik, a Manhattan-based clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst featured in the Showtime documentary series “Couples Therapy.” At that point, she said, love (or good will) may have run out.

Still, experts acknowledged that finding a couples therapist could be time-consuming and difficult. Online digital directories, like those of Psychology Today and the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, can be a useful starting point. When you find a therapist, ask preliminary questions like: What will working with you be like? Have you dealt with my issue before? How do you handle secrets?

And don’t be afraid to offer feedback about your sessions, said Vanessa Bradden, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder and clinical director of Lakeview Therapy Group in Chicago.

“If somebody came to me and said: ‘Hey, you know what? In that last session I really wanted you to be a little more direct with me,’” she said, “I would love that.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to talk about a kink or fetish with your partner

— Being honest about our sexual desires can feel like sharing a secret – here’s some tips on how to broach the conversation

By Brit Dawson

When telling your partner about a particular kink or fetish you have, here’s some pretty solid advice: “Don’t sit them down to tell them you’ve ordered vampire gloves and a fuck cage and that you want them to use them on you.”

At least, that’s what Lucy* recommends, who believes that it’s better to start small. BDSM is a spectrum, after all. Lucy’s kink is rough sex (but “only with the right man”) and being dominated. Before vocally broaching this with existing partners, Lucy tends to hint at these desires during sex. “If you like your hair pulled, or think you’d like it, make lots of noise of pleasure if they put their hands in your hair,” she suggests. “Give your partner confidence; tell them what’s amazing with your voice, sounds, body, and reactions.”

She’s also into shibari, a form of rope bondage that centres on visual aesthetics, but usually brings this up a little later – and eases them in. “I explain how liberating and freeing I find being tied up,” says Lucy. “I use life-drawing classes as my comparison, and show them pictures of me clothed in a non-sexual dynamic with my rigger.”

Although new partners tend to figure out their shared politics, values, and relationship goals early on, for many, discussions about sexual desires tend to come later – if at all. Combine this with the fact that many non-‘traditional’ sexual practices still remain taboo, and suddenly, being honest with your partner about your desires can feel like a daunting task.

“Telling a partner about a fetish can be like sharing a secret,” says Judith Langer, a sexologist who works at the sex-positive community JOYclub. “We make ourselves vulnerable, and that requires courage. This might be the first time you have openly spoken about your kink, it might be less common, you may even be unsure of your own feelings, and you might be uncertain about how your partner will react. All of these factors can understandably cause anxiety.”

Still, that doesn’t mean you should shy away from sharing the secret – after all, vulnerability can make for a stronger relationship and a more intimate sex life. Plus, your partner may share your desire and it’ll be another way you connect. Or, they might not; but that doesn’t mean they’ll react badly, nor that the two of you are destined to be sexually incompatible.

Before you talk to your partner about a kink (something that increases your pleasure, but isn’t essential) or fetish (something that you need for arousal and pleasure), you might want to explore kink for yourself first, especially if it’s new to you. This can involve watching different types of porn, exploring materials, smells, sounds, or aesthetics that you find pleasurable, learning about the kink via podcasts, articles, talks, or classes, and experimenting with solo play. “Doing a little bit of this on your own can better equip you for having conversations with a partner,” says Sophia Rose, a London-based facilitator, educator, and artist working with consent, rope bondage, kink, and sexuality. “Consent and getting in touch with our limits and boundaries starts with ourselves.”

There’s no right way to then share this interest with your partner, and the way you approach it will depend on your relationship to them, your sexual history, whether you’re sharing a kink or a fetish, and what type of kink or fetish it is. Having said that, there are some general tips that are worth considering.

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9 Benefits of Sex Therapy

—The benefits of sex therapy are multiple and go beyond those related to sexual dysfunctions. Take note of all the information.

By Valeria Sabater

Currently, a significant part of the population is unaware of all the benefits of sex therapy. There’s still a certain stigma and the classic belief that only those who present some dysfunction, such as anorgasmia or premature ejaculation, go to these professionals. However, this methodology addresses multiple dynamics and needs.

It’s important to know that its most relevant purpose is to make you feel good. Such an objective implies achieving everything from having satisfactory intimate relationships to building happier bonds with your partner.

Addressing concerns and possible traumas or even giving you guidelines to guide your adolescent children on issues related to sex are also some of the benefits of sex therapy. In this article, we’ll explain everything this form of therapy does for you.

What are the benefits of sex therapy?

Sex therapy was developed in the 1960s, thanks to the marriage of William Masters and Virginia Johnson. Their book, Human Sexual Response (1966), was quite revolutionary because it broke down many prejudices and taboos. Since then, this approach has been strengthened, and it integrates the medical model with the psychological one.

The technique is feasible both for individuals and for couples and is based on conversation that creates a framework of trust from which to provide solutions and tools for having a more harmonious life on both emotional and sexual levels. In addition, it has great scientific endorsement and, every day, contributes to recovering the well-being of thousands of people. Below, we’ll describe the main benefits of sex therapy.

1. It contributes to having a more satisfying sex life

Sex life with your partner may no longer be as exciting or satisfying as it used to be. Sometimes, without any physiological problem, there’s something wrong and it’s difficult to restore that special harmony you used to share. A work published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior indicates that one of the most common causes for which therapy is sought is a discrepancy in sexual desire.

The fact that one partner in the relationship wants to have sex more often, while the other avoids it, is common. Therefore, something a sex therapist will guide and help you with is having a full intimate life. This implies resolving any difficulties, disagreements, or inconveniences in this area.

2. The treatment of sexual problems

Throughout our lives, people can go through different sexual problems. Sometimes it’s a difficulty in achieving an orgasm, while, in other cases, conditioning factors such as menopause, times of stress, or suffering from a disease play a part when it comes to enjoying intimate relationships.

Mayo Clinic Proceedings reports something important in a study. A significant portion of sexual dysfunctions in women go unrecognized and untreated. Men are also often reticent on this issue. For this reason, it’s important for society to become aware of the benefits of sexual therapy. Next, we’ll go into detail about the conditions that the methodology usually addresses:

  • Phobias
  • Paraphilias and sexual fixations
  • Vaginismus
  • Premature ejaculation
  • Male impotence
  • Hypoactive sexual disorder
  • Female Orgasmic Disorder
  • Male Orgasmic Disorder
  • Possible sexual addictions
  • Sexual problems in menopause
  • Dyspareunia (painful intercourse)
  • Sexual difficulties associated with aging
  • Sexual problems associated with other diseases
  • Improving the sex life of couples during and after pregnancy
  • Improving the sex life of people with physical or psychological disabilities

3. Discovery of the most powerful sexual organ

The most decisive sexual organ is your brain, and the best way to have a satisfying sex life is to stimulate your imagination. In this way, some aspects that you’ll work on in therapy are your fantasies and desires.

These dimensions are extraordinary channels for awakening eroticism and enlivening your relationship as a couple, deactivating prejudices, and dismissing shame.

4. Reducing fears and anxiety

Have you heard of sexual performance anxiety? There are many people who doubt their ability to offer pleasure to their partners. The fear of not being up to the task, failing, or appearing clumsy or inexperienced is a frequent reality in clinical practice.

For this reason, one of the benefits of sex therapy is to address fears related to sex. There are multiple strategies that make it easier to effectively resolve insecurities in order to have a rewarding sex life.

Likewise, therapists always create a space of empathy, security, and trust from which to clarify your doubts and receive effective advice in any area. Psychoeducation on sexual matters also falls within their tasks.

The pharmaceutical industry seeks to provide a solution to sexual dysfunctions that can be addressed through sex therapy. Many of the problems in this area have more to do with mental factors than with physiological conditions.

5. Overcoming sexual trauma

An article in the scientific journal Frontiers in Psychology highlights that patients with sexual trauma need a special type of care that provides adequate security and respect for their personal history. Sex therapy has always addressed such delicate realities as abuse, rape, or mistreatment in couple relationships.

6. Enhanced intimacy and emotional connection

Authentic pleasure in sex doesn’t occur in the body but originates in the brain, as we’ve already suggested. If you’re in crisis with your partner and there are unaddressed grudges or disagreements, it’ll be difficult to enjoy intimacy. Given this, a sex therapist guides you to promote coexistence and connection with your loved one through the following strategies:

  • Teaching resources to solve problems
  • Offering techniques that improve communication
  • Providing strategies to revive desire in the relationship
  • Facilitating spaces in which partners can get to know each other in a more intimate and profound way
  • Collaborating in better regulating emotions in order to connect in a meaningful way

7. Sex therapy allows you to get to know yourself much better

One of the most notable benefits of sex therapy is its impact on your mental health. Sex goes beyond the biological field: It’s also a psychological dimension and, above all, a cultural one. Sometimes, the way you’re educated or even the prejudices you have on this subject condition your ability to enjoy a full life in this regard.

The specialist in this area will allow you to explore and get to know yourself better as a person. You’ll be able to understand your sexuality, fantasies, and desires. No matter your age or the personal moment in which you find yourself, you always have time to look within yourself, drop your defenses, reformulate misconceptions about sex, and enjoy it.

8. It’s an inclusive therapy

Today’s sex therapy is also inclusive. What does this mean? You can find therapists trained in sexual diversity. McGill University in Montreal alludes to the advances that exist right now. This clinical field moves with our times and works to challenge stereotypes and promote a more inclusive and equitable vision of sexuality.

In this way, members of the LGBTIQ+ community benefit from more sensitive, trained, and effective attention to their particular needs and realities.

9. The prevention of future problems

Sex therapy not only addresses problems and educates us in the field of sexuality, but it also has a decisive role in prevention. Even if right now you feel good in your life as a couple and have good intimate health, it never hurts to learn new tools to avoid or address possible future problems.

Knowing, for example, how daily stress affects sexuality or how to respond to monotony in your emotional bond through new approaches are strategies that therapists educate you.

How to find a sex therapist who can help me?

Remember, you don’t have to wait for serious problems in order to start sex therapy. It’s best to go as soon as you have a concern or doubts or don’t feel satisfaction with your intimate life. If you want to look for a therapist in this area, look at the fields in which they specialize. There are some professionals who exclusively address organic or medical aspects.

However, most are prepared to treat both possible dysfunctions and relational problems and advise you on any aspect related to sexuality. Always contact specialists who follow techniques backed by science and don’t forget the most decisive thing: Being honest. Don’t be afraid to express your needs and concerns. Only then will you receive the best care possible.

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Ethical non-monogamy

— What to know about these often misunderstood relationships

By

Imagine Sarah and John have been in a monogamous relationship for five years. Although they love each other, Sarah, who is bisexual, has recently started feeling an attraction to her coworker, Andrea. This has led to several sexual encounters, leaving Sarah feeling guilty. However, she has not talked to John about her feelings or experiences with Andrea.

No matter how much you love your partner, it’s common to feel attracted to someone outside of a relationship. Some couples may even want sexual encounters with other people. It can be difficult to navigate these feelings, especially when they conflict with the commitment and promises made in the relationship. While the sex between Sarah and Andrea was consensual, Sarah engaged in non-consensual sex by stepping outside of her monogamous relationship without John’s consent.

There is growing curiosity about ethical or consensual non-monogamous relationships, particularly among young people. YouGov data found that 43% of millennial Americans say their ideal relationship is non-monogamous, even if few are in such a relationship. And a survey commissioned by sex toy brand Lelo, found that 28% of aged 18 to 24 would consider an open relationship.

What makes non-monogamy “ethical” is an emphasis on agreed, ongoing consent and mutual respect. All parties involved are fully aware of the situation and voluntarily agree to participate. Partners are free to change their minds at any time and (re)negotiate boundaries that work for everyone involved. Ethical non-monogamy can take many forms, including polyamory, open relationships and swinging.

These relationships are often stigmatised and misunderstood. They challenge the traditional notion of monogamy, which is commonly viewed in most western and religious societies as the only acceptable way of engaging in romantic relationships.

Yet research has shown that consensual non-monogamy can have positive effects on relationships and the people in them. People in consensual non-monogamous relationships have reported higher levels of sexual and relationship satisfaction and greater relational intimacy than people in monogamous relationships.

Misconceptions and stigma

One stigmatising view is that people in non-monogamous relationships pose a greater risk to their partners’ sexual health. This is based on the assumption that having multiple sexual partners increases the likelihood of sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

However, research shows that people in open and non-monogamous relationships have safer sex practices than monogamous, but unfaithful partners. Ethical non-monogamy can be a safer outlet for sexual expression compared with monogamous relationships that have led to cheating where someone ends up passing an STI to their partner.

In healthy relationships, partners recognise that each person has their own unique sexual preferences and diverse needs. For consensually non-monogamous partners, this means understanding that their primary relationship may not always fulfil all their sexual desires.

Although jealousy can still exist within non-monogamous relationships, research has found that it can be more manageable than in monogamous ones. This is because, in secure non-monogamous partnerships, there are open discussions about sexual attraction and setting boundaries, where partners can address jealousy anxiety.

Exploring non-monogamy

Ethical non-monogamy is not for everyone. You should only explore this type of relationship if it feels comfortable, you seek appropriate consent and the existing relationship is solid. Outsiders often hold the stereotypical view that people only engage in ENM if their current relationship is unstable.

If you decide that it’s right for you, keep the following in mind.

1. Communicate openly

Communication is important in any relationship, but especially critical in ENM relationships. Partners must be transparent and honest about their intentions, feelings, expectations and boundaries. People in non-monogamous relationships need to be aware of their emotional boundaries and be prepared to navigate feelings of jealousy.

2. Practice safe sex

Sexual health is key regardless of your relationship status or style. Get tested regularly for STIs and to use protection during sexual encounters to minimise the risk of transmission.

3. Stop shame

Managing stigma is one of the most difficult parts of an ENM relationship. When people are socialised to believe that having multiple partners is wrong or immoral, this can lead to feelings of shame and self-doubt. It is important to recognise that consensually non-monogamous and multipartnered relationships are a valid lifestyle choice. You can seek support from like-minded people or talk to a sex and relationship therapist if necessary.

While non-monogamy is not everyone’s cup of tea, these tips can be helpful for any relationship. Ultimately, it is essential to keep communication, consent and respect at the heart of your partnership.

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How to Delicately Tell Your Spouse the Sex Isn’t Good Anymore

By Ashley Wright

Sex is a fundamental part of a healthy, intimate relationship. It’s where people display their love and affection for each other in a physically intimate way. But what happens when the sex isn’t great? When one spouse isn’t feeling satisfied or is left underwhelmed? It can be a tough topic to bring up but good sex it’s crucial for any relationship to work. Here are some ways you can talk to your spouse about the intimacy not satisfying your needs while maintaining open and honest communication.

Figure Out What’s Missing

The first step is to identify what specifically isn’t working for you. Is it a lack of emotional connection, intimacy, or physical pleasure? By figuring out what isn’t working, you can approach the conversation with your spouse clearly and confidently.

Be Direct but Tactful

Confronting your partner about subpar sex can be uncomfortable for both parties, but it’s essential to address the issue head-on if you’re not satisfied. In order to do so tactfully, without attacking or blaming your partner, it is best to use “I” statements. In a problem-solving context, “I” statements are a non-judgmental way to frame the conversation. For example, “I don’t feel satisfied sexually” or “I would like us to be more intimate.” By using “I” statements like “I notice we aren’t connecting as well as we used to in the bedroom, and I wonder how we can make things better,” the conversation can be framed as a problem-solving exercise rather than something to be ashamed of. In this way, you avoid blame and your partner is able to understand the impact of their actions on you.

Use Positive Reinforcement

Couple laying in bed (Photo courtesy of CreateHerStock.com)

Positive reinforcement can go a long way in boosting your sexual connection with your partner. Instead of focusing on what’s not working, focus on what is. Give your partner specific examples of things they do that you enjoy and ask them to do more of that. For example, “I love when you touch me like that, and it really turns me on. Can we do more of that next time?” Positive reinforcement is a great way to build your partner’s confidence in the bedroom and motivate them to keep trying new things.

Talk About Your Needs and Desires

Another way to broach the subject of unsatisfying sex is to talk about your needs and desires. Often, couples struggle to communicate openly about what they want in bed, which can lead to disappointment and frustration. Make sure to communicate your needs clearly and listen to your partner’s needs as well. Understanding your partner’s desires and preferences can help you both achieve greater sexual satisfaction. Find out what arouses your partner and work on fulfilling that longing desire.

Offer Solutions

If you’re in a sexual rut, trying new things together can be a great way to reignite the flame. Come up with suggestions to add spice to your sex life. Share your fantasies with each other, and brainstorm ways to make them a reality. Whether it’s exploring new positions or experimenting with toys, introducing new elements into your sex life can be a fun, exciting way to deepen your connection with your partner. Ask your partner to suggest new ways you can both enjoy sex more. If you can’t get to a solution, consider seeing a sex therapist for guidance.

Seek Professional Help if Necessary

If you’ve tried everything and still can’t seem to get your sexual connection back on track, seeking professional help could be an option worth considering. A sex therapist can provide unbiased, expert advice on how to improve your sex life and help you and your partner overcome any obstacles that may be hindering your connection. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help — sometimes, a fresh, professional perspective is all you need to get your sexual relationship back on track.

Intimacy is an essential part of a relationship, and if it’s not adequately addressed, it can affect the bond between partners. Talking to your spouse may be daunting, but it’s essential to approach it with love and respect while highlighting your needs and concerns. Be prepared to listen and offer solutions that work for both of you. Remember that it’s a journey towards better intimacy and emotional bonding. And if the conversation doesn’t go as planned, it’s perfectly okay to ask for guidance from a therapist. The most crucial thing after the conversation is to keep the lines of communication open. Don’t let the conversation be a one-time event, but rather a starting point for a regular conversation and improvement of your intimacy.

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Couples Are Doing MDMA and Ketamine Therapy To Save Their Relationships

— From breaking harmful patterns to improving their sex lives, more couples are using psychedelics combined with therapy to confront their issues.

By Manisha Krishnan

The first time Isabel and her husband did MDMA together, they were at Burning Man, just a couple of weeks before their wedding. It was a profound experience.

“It was like being seen for the first time for who we really were because it allows you to be super vulnerable and allows you to share these deep parts of yourself without fear of being judged,” said Isabel.

“I felt like we got married out there.”

She and her husband Joseph, both physicians in their 40s who live in British Columbia, have been together for 15 years. VICE News has changed their names to protect their privacy because MDMA is illegal. They don’t use drugs often—the Burning Man trip, 11 years ago, was Joseph’s first time taking MDMA. These days their trips look pretty different from a festival. Once a year, they get a babysitter for their two kids, rent a room at a resort and take the psychedelic to work through conflicts in their relationships.

“We wind up spending a night and just pushing through about six months worth of marriage crap all at once,” Joseph said. “You’re just kind of a different couple on the other side of it. It’s very interesting.”

Because of Isabel’s training in using both ketamine and MDMA for therapeutic reasons, the couple generally trips on their own while going through their issues. But they’ve also had a guided trip with an underground therapist who serves people under the influence of psychedelics. They’re part of a growing number of couples who are adding psychedelics to their couples’ therapy experiences.

Psychedelics are having a renaissance, with substances like ketamine, psilocybin (the active ingredient in magic mushrooms), and MDMA being studied and used to treat issues like depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, drug addiction, and end-of-life anxiety. While MDMA remains illegal in the U.S. and Canada, last year the nonprofit group Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies (MAPS) completed a second phase-three trial on using the drug as PTSD treatment and is expecting the Food and Drug Administration to evaluate its findings in 2023, potentially approving it for people with the disorder. In the meantime, MAPS and other groups already offer training in psychedelic-assisted therapy, while some therapists are already adding ketamine to their services because it’s legal. Others are offering discreet therapy sessions using illegal drugs. And both underground and above ground practitioners told VICE News demand is growing among couples who think psychedelics could help them take on their issues.

“I tell my couples, ‘Look, this is not a magic pill. It’s an assist.’ And I would say that if they’re willing to do the work, it expedites forgiveness,” said Jayne Gumpel, a Woodstock, New York-based clinical social worker who has treated around 150 couples using ketamine.

Some of them have recommitted to each other after being on the brink of divorce, she said.

Gumpel also offers group retreats for couples; private sessions run for $200 an hour, while four-day retreats are $1,850 a person on a sliding scale. She said people often choose partners who provoke their defences or trigger trauma for their childhood, but they don’t necessarily realize it. While using ketamine, she said people’s defences are lowered and they’re less attached to the idea that their side of the story is correct.

“When the person who’s listening learns how to hold that space and not get reactive…what happens is the person who’s sharing their frustration about messiness starts to talk about their childhood when their mother was alcoholic and the house was a mess and they took it upon themselves to have to be the one to keep things organized. And that’s how she felt safe,” Gumpel explained. “All of a sudden, the partner who feels ragged on because he’s sloppy has empathy for the person who’s complaining to him about it.

“It’s like a magical moment when they’re now understanding they have consciousness of this pattern they’re stuck in,” she added.

Recently, Isabel said she and Joseph had a similar revelation, where she told him about “something really horrible” that happened to her as a child.

“It was one of those moments in the relationship where you’re like, ‘Oh, that explains 40 percent of what I’ve been wondering about you for 15 years,” Joseph said, adding that it gave context to questions he had about her relationship with her family. During other sessions, they’ve cried, and even vomited.

Dr. Reid Robison, chief clinical officer at Numinus, a mental health care company that provides ketamine-assisted therapy to couples in the U.S. and Canada, said having one partner supporting the other as they work through trauma can be a powerful bonding experience.

“We can identify the barriers that we have to love in ourselves, and then we can just do it so much more freely in our partnership.” Numinus charges around $300 for dosing sessions, but typically a person also has integration sessions afterwards to talk about what they learned.

Robison said whether a person is using MDMA or ketamine, the drugs help people in “turning towards each other” instead of turning away. He’s even seen it work with people going through a divorce, helping them to get over old wounds so that they can co-parent better.

Isabel and Joseph have put up signs in their home that say “turn towards”—gentle reminders that they’ve put in place to integrate the lessons they’ve learned while on MDMA. She said they’ve managed to break a pattern where she would complain about something, and he would withdraw, causing her to also pull away.

Both of them said doing MDMA, which boosts a person’s levels of dopamine and serotonin (neurotransmitters that impact pleasure and sexual desire), has also greatly improved their sex life.

“We had a good sex life, but now we have an amazing sex life,” Isabel said, noting they’ll typically put in five hours of work on their relationship before having sex during one of their resort stays. “It really allowed us to explore breathing together and doing all these like deepening, like soul connection things.”

Joseph said he considers MDMA a medicine, not a drug, and that it should be legally available to people. In fact, it was legal and used for couples therapy in the 1970s and 1980s, before being designated a Schedule I drug in 1985, meaning the government determined it had no medical use and a high potential for abuse. Early reports found that it was useful in navigating relationship issues and communication.

Depending on what happens with the FDA’s evaluation of MAPS’ study, it may soon be available for people with PTSD.

Robison said that could open the door for it being allowed to be used for people with other issues, though it’ll be a slow process. He said people with PTSD can also struggle with relationships or have depression and anxiety, though, so “there are ripple effects to their healing work that will be felt in their partnerships.”

He said more research is needed on the impact of psychedelics on couples and he expects to see more therapists wanting to work with it in the years to come.

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