— Being honest about our sexual desires can feel like sharing a secret – here’s some tips on how to broach the conversation
By Brit Dawson
When telling your partner about a particular kink or fetish you have, here’s some pretty solid advice: “Don’t sit them down to tell them you’ve ordered vampire gloves and a fuck cage and that you want them to use them on you.”
At least, that’s what Lucy* recommends, who believes that it’s better to start small. BDSM is a spectrum, after all. Lucy’s kink is rough sex (but “only with the right man”) and being dominated. Before vocally broaching this with existing partners, Lucy tends to hint at these desires during sex. “If you like your hair pulled, or think you’d like it, make lots of noise of pleasure if they put their hands in your hair,” she suggests. “Give your partner confidence; tell them what’s amazing with your voice, sounds, body, and reactions.”
She’s also into shibari, a form of rope bondage that centres on visual aesthetics, but usually brings this up a little later – and eases them in. “I explain how liberating and freeing I find being tied up,” says Lucy. “I use life-drawing classes as my comparison, and show them pictures of me clothed in a non-sexual dynamic with my rigger.”
Although new partners tend to figure out their shared politics, values, and relationship goals early on, for many, discussions about sexual desires tend to come later – if at all. Combine this with the fact that many non-‘traditional’ sexual practices still remain taboo, and suddenly, being honest with your partner about your desires can feel like a daunting task.
“Telling a partner about a fetish can be like sharing a secret,” says Judith Langer, a sexologist who works at the sex-positive community JOYclub. “We make ourselves vulnerable, and that requires courage. This might be the first time you have openly spoken about your kink, it might be less common, you may even be unsure of your own feelings, and you might be uncertain about how your partner will react. All of these factors can understandably cause anxiety.”
Still, that doesn’t mean you should shy away from sharing the secret – after all, vulnerability can make for a stronger relationship and a more intimate sex life. Plus, your partner may share your desire and it’ll be another way you connect. Or, they might not; but that doesn’t mean they’ll react badly, nor that the two of you are destined to be sexually incompatible.
Before you talk to your partner about a kink (something that increases your pleasure, but isn’t essential) or fetish (something that you need for arousal and pleasure), you might want to explore kink for yourself first, especially if it’s new to you. This can involve watching different types of porn, exploring materials, smells, sounds, or aesthetics that you find pleasurable, learning about the kink via podcasts, articles, talks, or classes, and experimenting with solo play. “Doing a little bit of this on your own can better equip you for having conversations with a partner,” says Sophia Rose, a London-based facilitator, educator, and artist working with consent, rope bondage, kink, and sexuality. “Consent and getting in touch with our limits and boundaries starts with ourselves.”
There’s no right way to then share this interest with your partner, and the way you approach it will depend on your relationship to them, your sexual history, whether you’re sharing a kink or a fetish, and what type of kink or fetish it is. Having said that, there are some general tips that are worth considering.
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