Category: Anorgasmia

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Female sexuality and the ‘orgasm gap’ are coming to the forefront of conversations during worldwide lockdowns

While men orgasm 85% of the time they have sex on average, women only reach climax 63% of the time.

By Lindsay Dodgson

  • Female pleasure appears to be coming to the forefront of conversations around sex during the coronavirus pandemic.
  • Emjoy, an app that helps women learn more about their sexuality and needs, has seen a 160% increase in use since worldwide lockdowns began.
  • Insider spoke to sex and relationship experts about why this might be.
  • For starters, couples or single people who are socially distancing have more time to spend in their own company and work out what they like.
  • Couples who are isolating together may also be able to devote time to what they want to improve about their sex lives.

Sex is a pretty big topic of conversation right now, either because you’re stuck inside with a partner with little else to do, or you’re isolating alone and can’t have any.

Female pleasure appears to be a particular focus due to apps that provide information about women’s needs, and Facebook ads popping up for research centers like OMGYES which are exploring the specific ways women enjoy sexual touch.

Emjoy, an app that helps women learn more about their bodies and what they like through audio, has seen a 160% increase in use since worldwide lockdowns began.

“Being home for so long, people are looking for new resources to incorporate new healthy habits to their routines,” Emjoy’s CEO and cofounder Andrea Oliver told Insider. “Some of us have so much more free time in our hands, so we might as well put it to good use. And what better use than a good, dopamine-infused session of self-love?”

Time alone can make us face things we’ve been ignoring

Intimacy expert Dr Shirin Lakhani, from the Elite Aesthetics clinic, told Insider she’s seen many more social media posts about the “orgasm gap” and women’s sexual needs during lockdown, and has been contacted by many women who are worried about their libido or inability to climax.

“For many people, being in this lockdown situation has exacerbated a lot of things, including stress, poor diet and lifestyle, excess alcohol, and drug intake, which can all affect orgasms, or lack of them,” she said.

“On the other hand it has also resulted in people being forced to spend more time than usual at home with their partner and have more sex than usual, which in turn makes concerns such as the orgasm gap more noticeable and in time become more of an issue of concern.”

Relationship coach Sarah Louise Ryan told Insider many couples might be forced to think about whether they really are satisfied with their sex lives while isolating together.

“We often put our needs not being met down to many other factors in usual circumstances,” she said. “We talk about being too busy, we buy into the idea that sex is another one of those things we should fit into our calendars, we blame our lack of sexual fulfillment on not having the time and patience for exploration or stresses of external factors such as children, finances, or juggling it all.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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From clitoral to explosive

— 5 types of orgasms every woman should know about

Which ones have you experienced?

By Shona Hendley

We speak to a ‘sexpert’ about how to achieve the many pleasurable – and elusive – types of O’s.

We all know that scene. The one where Meg Ryan’s character, Sally shows Harry (Billy Crystal) and everyone else at Katz Deli exactly how women can fake an orgasm in rom-com classic, When Harry Met Sally.

“I’ll have what she’s having,” another female diner responds once Sally’s faux climax is reached and she digs back into her coleslaw, summing up exactly what many, many other women were thinking and (let’s be honest) probably still are.

Because achieving orgasm is something that sex therapist, hypnotherapist and author, Dr Janet Hall says that she is frequently asked about in her sessions from women of all ages.

“Over my 40 years as a sex therapist I am astounded by how many women wanted me to teach them how to have an orgasm.”

While all orgasms are inherently pleasurable, they aren’t all the same. In fact, there are multiple types of orgasms and ways in which to achieve them.

“It is possible for a woman to have different types of orgasms depending on where she is stimulated and how and for how long,” Dr Hall explains. And while they can vary from clitoral, G-spot, A-spot, anal, nipple, throat, and other erogenous in the body, “the truth is, that most women are happy to concentrate on the first three listed above – their hottest spots in the vulva and vagina.”

So how do you achieve an orgasm in these hot spots? Body + Soul spoke to ‘sexpert’, Dr Hall for all the juicy details.

Clitoral Orgasms

Dr Hall says that “clitoral orgasms result from direct stimulation of the clitoris for about five minutes and last about fifteen seconds. Because the clitoral orgasm is easier to experience for most woman and quick to achieve, it is often the preferred way to orgasm.”

G-spot Orgasms

“The G-Spot is a spongy area as big as a fingernail and it is just inside and up to the front of the vagina. It can be elusive however and it is up to each woman to explore to find out their exact G-Spot position. At first it might seem just like the rest of the vagina wall but with continued rubbing pressure it swells with blood and fluid and it then feels like the surface of your tongue – a little bit rough and with ridges,” Dr Hall explains.

How do you achieve them?

For a G-spot orgasm during intercourse, Dr Hall says that “most women need time to build the pleasure in the G-Spot before they are ready for penetration.”

For heterosexual intercourse “you need to teach your man to push his penis at your G-Spot. This is easier when he enters from the woman when she is laying down on her front or raising her backside.”

The Blended Orgasm

“A Blended Orgasm is when both a clitoral and G-Spot orgasm occur simultaneously. These twin orgasms can last for a long time – peaking and subsiding over and over again for hours.”

How do you achieve them?

“It can be a balancing act to achieve. First you can try to pleasure the clitoris, then introduce a finger or toy to pleasure the G spot so that both areas are being pleasured.”

A-Spot or Cervical Orgasm

“The A-spot, anatomically known as “Anterior Fornix,” is the pocket of elastic tissue above the cervix in the back of the woman’s vagina. If you insert a finger, you’ll find a donut shaped (or cone shaped) ring of hard muscle at the top of the canal. This is the cervix, which is the entrance to the Uterus.

If you gently trace around this little donut/cone you’ll find a very smooth and elastic ring of tissue circling it. The top of this ring (closest to the belly) is the Anterior Fornix, or the A-Spot.”

How do you achieve them?

“Stroke it with the “come here” motion until you feel a burst of pleasure,” Dr Hall explains.

Explosive versus Implosive Orgasms

“The explosive orgasm is typical for the clitoral one which lasts less than fifteen seconds.

These orgasms are perfectly natural, but they can deplete us instead of feeding us with our life force energy.

Tantra teachers believe that we can learn to channel and move that energy back inside of us to experience a multitude of other orgasmic flavours and sensations! This is referred to as N.E.O (non-ejaculatory orgasmic tantra) also known as the Energetic Orgasm!”

How do we achieve them?

“We achieve this type of orgasm by squeezing the pelvic floor muscle in on the inhale just as we are getting close to orgasm (say 3.5 on the scale of pleasure if 5 is “I’m ejaculating”) to draw the sexual energy away from the genitals and towards the heart.

When we learn to implode with sexual energy, we can experience a whole new array of orgasmic sensations!”

Enjoy! And let the O force be with you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Understanding orgasms

— a simple guide to how they work

An orgasm from penetration alone may feel out of reach. But there are ways to do it.

Let’s just take a reality check quickly, not everyone with a vagina can orgasm with penetration alone. In fact, less than 30 per cent of vagina owners can reach climax through this method. Yet there are some ways you can lend yourself a helping hand to see if it is something you can achieve.

1. Understand vagina anatomy‍

First, make sure you understand vaginal anatomy and the parts that are most likely to lead to pleasure (and maybe orgasm) when stimulated. For most people the entrance and first third of the vagina are the most sensitive areas.

This may include the G-spot area, which is on the front wall of the vagina. The internal structure of the clitoris has a lot to do with why these parts can bring a lot of pleasure, so make sure you understand the full size and shape of the clit so you know what you’re working with.

Other areas that are sexually sensitive for some people are the cervix, “A-spot”, and perineal​ sponge.

So get familiar with all these sexy bits by checking out some good anatomy diagrams. It’s much easier to reach your destination if you have a good map.

2. Find your own sensitive areas and focus there‍

Understanding anatomy is just the starting point. The important thing is to apply it to your own body.

Experiment with stimulating different areas and see what brings pleasure. Do you enjoy deep penetration?

Do you prefer G-spot stimulation? Or pressure against the back wall around your perineum? Or somewhere else entirely? Whatever feels best for you and brings the most intensity of sensation is where you should focus.

3. Take your time to get aroused

The vagina can take longer to warm up than the clit, and getting that blood flow to the genital tissues is really important for your arousal, sensation, and chances of reaching the big O.

So spend some time on kissing, nipple play, dirty talk, and oral sex before moving to penetration to make sure your body is ready.

4. Start by trying blended orgasms

You may be working up to a hands-free orgasm during intercourse, but combining vaginal stimulation with clit stimulation is a good stepping stone.

Just do penetration for a while, and then add in clit stimulation when you feel you need it to reach orgasm.

Over time, delay adding in clit stimulation and see if eventually you can climax without it. Maybe yes, maybe no, but it’s worth a try.

5. Find the best position(s) for you

Cowgirl: Riding on top is the most successful position for achieving a hands-free orgasm during intercourse. Not only can you direct the penetration to hit your sweet spots, but you can also grind your clit on your partner’s body to maximise the sensation from all angles.‍

Knees-back missionary: Lie on your back and pull your knees up so your feet are raised off the bed. You may want to prop up your butt with a pillow for support. This is an effective G-spot position since it’s much easier to access that front wall of the vagina than it is during regular missionary. During penetration, angle the penis or toy to press that G-spot area if you know you like G-spot sensation.‍

Doggy: If you enjoy deep penetration, then doggy is a great option. You can also be more in control of the speed and depth, which can help you get the stimulation you want. Another good thing about doggy is it’s so easy to use a finger or toy on your clit, to help push you over the edge. ‍

Legs together: Some people find it easier to reach orgasm when their legs are close together rather than spread apart. Try having your legs together – you could be on your front, back, side, standing, it’s your choice! Have your partner straddle you while they’re penetrating you. Clench or pulse your pelvic and thigh muscles in this position to boost the intensity of sensations and help you reach the big O.

6. Slow and steady wins the race‍

A common error when trying to reach orgasm is thinking that hard-and-fast is best. While it may be preferred by some people, for many, too much pressure and friction for too long can numb the nerve-endings, and can feel uncomfortable.

So, although it’s counterintuitive, slow movements with a lighter pressure can actually feel way more intense. Yes, hard-and-fast is often preferred as a person gets closer to orgasm, but in the build up try to keep movements on the slow and steady side.

7. Try edging‍

Switching between slower and faster is also a great way to build up arousal and increase your chances of orgasm.

You may want to indulge in a bit of hot-and-heavy bed-bouncing activity, and then dial it back to slow and focussed thrusts for a couple of minutes.

Switching intensity during sex, aka “edging” is a popular technique to help with reaching and intensifying climax.

8. Breath, focus, and relax‍

Getting relaxed and feeling present in your body can help you focus on your vaginal sensations and really enjoy the pleasure.

Find ways to reduce your mental distraction such as choosing a relaxing time and place to have sex, starting with a massage or bath, and making sure there are no lingering disagreements you need to resolve with your partner as resentment is like a cold shower to your libido.

During sex, breathing slowly and deeply and focussing on your genital area can help you hone in on those sensations. You can think of it as “breathing into your p….” to bring relaxation and blood flow to the area.

9. Pay attention to your environment‍

Being in the right environment is really important to help you feel comfortable, relaxed, and in a good mental space.

That means: getting the lighting right for you, making sure the bed (or wherever you are) is comfy, and checking the temperature – are you warm enough? Focus on your pleasure without getting distracted.

10. Practise by yourself‍

Why not dedicate some time to practising solo? Using a dildo, try masturbating with penetration only. See what speed, angle, and depth feels good.

Pay attention to how your arousal builds, and to how the intensity of the sensation increases. As you get more practice, you might find you’re able to bring yourself closer to orgasm (and you might even get there). Once you’ve worked out how to get this type of pleasure from solo play, you’ll have more idea of the techniques to try with a partner.

11. Pelvic floor strength‍

Having a well-toned pelvic floor is important. It will allow you to grip more tightly on your partner’s penis or the dildo, and this can intensify the sensations you feel in your vagina.

Also, since an orgasm is basically a series of muscle contractions, having a toned pelvic floor is important so that these muscle contractions can happen. Kegel exercises can help improve your pelvic floor strength, just make sure you do them correctly, and be sure to evaluate first if they are right for you, as they’re not appropriate for everyone.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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13 Things to Know About Female Orgasms

Including How to Find Yours

by Adrienne Santos-Longhurst

1. Is this a certain type of orgasm?

No, “female orgasm” is an all-encompassing term for any type of orgasm related to female genitalia.
It could be clitoral, vaginal, even cervical — or a mix of all three. That said, your genitalia isn’t your only option when it comes to achieving the big O.

Read on for tips on where to touch, how to move, why it works, and more.

2. It can be a clitoral orgasm

Direct or indirect stimulation of the clitoris can lead to a clitoral orgasm. When you get your rub on just right, you’ll feel the sensation build in your pleasure bud and peak.

Try this

Your fingers, palm, or a small vibrator can all help you have a clitoral orgasm.

Make sure your clitoris is wet and begin gently rubbing in a side-to-side or up-and-down motion.

As it begins to feel good, apply faster and harder pressure in a repetitive motion.

When you feel your pleasure intensify, apply even more pressure to the motion to take yourself over the edge.

3. It can be a vaginal orgasm

Although few people are able to climax with vaginal stimulation alone, it sure can be fun trying!

If you’re able to make it happen, prepare for an intense climax that can be felt deep inside your body.

The front vaginal wall is also home to the anterior fornix, or A-spot.

Older research suggests that stimulating the A-spot can result in intense lubrication and even orgasm.

Try this

Fingers or a sex toy should do the trick. Since the pleasure comes from the vaginal walls, you’ll want to experiment with width. Do this by inserting an extra finger or two into the vagina, or try a sex toy with some extra girth.

To stimulate the A-spot, focus the pressure on the front wall of the vagina while sliding your fingers or toy in and out. Stick with the pressure and motion that feels the best, and let the pleasure mount.

4. It can be a cervical orgasm

Cervical stimulation has the potential to lead to a full-body orgasm that can send waves of tingly pleasure from your head to your toes.

And this is an orgasm that can keep on giving, lasting quite a while for some.

Your cervix is the lower end of your uterus, so reaching it means going in deep.

Try this

Being relaxed and aroused is key to achieving a cervical orgasm. Use your imagination, rub your clitoris, or let your partner work some foreplay magic.

The doggy-style position allows for deep penetration, so try being on all fours with a penetrative toy or partner.

Start off slow, gradually working your way deeper until you find a depth that feels good, and keep at it so the pleasure can build.

5. Or a mix of all the above

A combo orgasm can be achieved by pleasuring your vagina and clitoris simultaneously.

The result: a powerful climax that you can feel inside and out.

Be sure to supersize your combo by adding some other erogenous zones to the mix.

Try this

Use both your hands to double your pleasure, or combine fingers and sex toys. Rabbit vibrators, for example, can stimulate the clitoris and vagina at the same time and are perfect for mastering the combo orgasm.

Use parallel rhythms while playing with your clitoris and vagina, or switch it up with fast clitoral action and slow vaginal penetration.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The female orgasm

— How exactly does it work?

BY EVANGELINE POLYMENEAS

Let’s get that O.

Many have looked far and wide in search of the elusive female orgasm. Those who have experienced one from penetrative sex have the power to congregate vulva owners everywhere to tell the tale of how they reached climax. The journey is filled with awkward moments, queefs and repetitive movement but they’ve lived to tell the tale and the rest of us want answers.

There is a myriad of myths surrounding the female orgasm and an oversaturation of misinformation. When I Googled it, millions of results appeared all promising 11 different types of female orgasms. If there are so many options, why is it so hard to get just one?

Too many of my friends answer a resounding ‘no’ to the question of whether they orgasmed during their latest sexual escapade, so I spoke to sex and pleasure coach, Clarke Rose, in an attempt to understand why.

“There is a huge orgasm gap. A lot of people with vulvas aren’t cumming,” Clarke tells me. So it’s a national pleasure emergency. Maybe we just don’t know what we’re searching for, so what is an orgasm exactly?

“An orgasm is such an expansive thing to define,” Clarke says. “I like to think of orgasms in a non-clinical sense as a high index of pleasure for anybody who’s feeling it. Technically speaking, it’s a peak of intense pleasure that sometimes creates altered states of consciousness and is usually accompanied by involuntary rhythmic contractions of the pelvic floor.”

Essentially, euphoria. That sounds all well and good, but what about the other 10 orgasms Google promised? I ask Clarke whether there are different sorts of female orgasms and the answer was not what I was expecting.

“Yes and no. Orgasm can be stimulated from different parts of your body, [for example], some people can have an orgasm from their nipples being stimulated, some from anal sex, others from penetration, but they all achieve the same orgasm. It’s not like you have a vaginal orgasm or a clitoral orgasms. They are all the same thing, they are just being stimulated from a different area.”

Clarke notes that only 30 per cent of women can trigger orgasm from internal stimulation and that percentage doesn’t differentiate between whether the penetration was accompanied by clitoral stimulation or not. She attributes this low percentage to differences in anatomy. “It’s a matter of how much your urethral sponge, which sits right about the G-spot, is sensitive and full of erectile tissue.”

Clarke says we tend to hierarchise female orgasms in ways that we don’t with male orgasms. “For a woman, people ask whether they can cum from their clit, or vagina, or whether they can have a nipple orgasm, whereas with men, no one is asking if they had a blowjob orgasm, or a penetrative orgasm – their orgasms just get to be orgasms.”

Penis owners seem to orgasm so easily, so I wondered if there was a difference between male orgasms and female orgasms. “Anatomically speaking it’s super interesting because a person who has a penis, orgasms for biological reasons,” Clarke explains. “They need to orgasm to ejaculate for the sperm to come out and make a baby.”

She goes on to explain that there is no biological need for females to orgasm. At first, this idea might seem anti-feminist, but Clarke explains that it’s actually quite interesting. “When we were foetuses, we were made up of all the same parts [as males], we [females] just develop differently. People with vulvas got this ability to orgasm because men can, which is a fantastic bonus to our sexuality without the pressure of needing to [orgasm] every time or we fail.”

Despite the lack of biological pressure to orgasm, a lot of vulva owners can’t seem to reach climax with partners but have less of a problem on their own. So what’s the barrier that’s stopping many of us from achieving the big O?

“When we are with somebody, other things come up – maybe we are a little bit self-conscious, or afraid to ask for what we want, or are too focused on our partners,” Clarke explains. “Whereas when we are on our own, we can make whatever weird face we want. A lot of women also use toys to masturbate which makes it really easy. However, when you’re with a partner and they are just using their hand or tongue, it doesn’t compare to whatever eight-speed vibrator you have at home. It can be a bit more difficult for your body and mind to recognise that as a trigger for orgasm.”

Although there are definitely micro reasons that could prevent partner orgasms, women’s orgasms have been repressed at a cultural level as well. “Our culture prioritises male anatomy and male pleasure. We all understand the anatomy of a penis, it’s so drilled into our heads, but we don’t understand the anatomy of a vulva. Historically we have repressed women’s sexuality. We want women to be receptive, polite and pleasing and not cause a big fuss,” explains Clarke.

Men have seen themselves in porn and in sex scenes in film and television ask for what they need sexually and receive it. They have heard the language required to ask, but women haven’t. It seems unnatural to ask for what we want, and Clarke says a lot of men probably don’t know how to listen without their ego getting involved.

“If you can’t orgasm and it’s really stressing you out, you’re not alone. There are a lot of women who can’t. Definitely look into seeing a sexologist or a sex coach if it’s something you want to work on,” says Clarke. The female orgasm is complex and it’s complicated, but we all deserve to reach it if we want to.

“Women put a lot of pressure on themselves to orgasm a certain way,” Clarke says. “Whether you cum with a vibrator, or by your hand, or whether you can cum on your own or with a partner – however you orgasm is valid. Period. Don’t put extra stress on yourself to cum upside down with mind stimulation – however you cum is beautiful.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Talk to Your Partner About the Orgasm Gap

by Hannah Resnick

Have you ever heard of the orgasm gap? Even if you are familiar with the term, you might not discuss it with your friends or even your partner, but it may still be present in your own sex life — especially if your sexual partners are male. The orgasm gap, also called the pleasure gap, is defined by Psychology Today as “the fact that in heterosexual sexual encounters, men have more orgasms than women.” Though often blamed on an alleged “biological difference,” it’s clear the orgasm gap is a product of our cultural views which prioritize male pleasure over female pleasure. Studies have also shown that women have more orgasms masturbating than with partners, and lesbian women have significantly more orgasms than straight women. This solidifies the fact that there is a huge problem with the way society sees men versus women and not with women’s bodies.

The issue with the orgasm gap is pretty clear: male-attracted women deserve to enjoy sex and orgasm as much as our male partners. But discussing the orgasm gap with a partner can be uncomfortable and even invalidating, especially for those who aren’t used to prioritizing their own pleasure. POPSUGAR spoke to Todd Baratz, a certified sex therapist and licensed mental health counselor, who shared some insight into how exactly we can close the orgasm gaps in relationships — starting with the relationships we have with ourselves.

1. Learn How History, Culture, and Politics Have Fueled Your Understanding of Sexual Pleasure

“Anxiety about prioritizing your pleasure is part of the orgasm gap,” Baratz told POPSUGAR. It reflects shame connected to “what it means to prioritize your pleasure and want more sexually.” Our outdated gender roles play a heavy part in this, as Baratz shared that cisgender women are socialized to believe that their pleasure isn’t as important as their cis male counterparts. “It’s easy to default to the values implied in the orgasm gap,” he said. “So the first thing you want to focus on is understanding yourself, your sexuality, and how politics, history, and culture have shaped it. Then you want to share what you learned about yourself with your partner.”

To really dig into this, reexamine gender and social constructs that you may have been taught growing up — i.e. how you were expected to act in a certain situation; morals you were expected to uphold; things that were thrust upon you by society, pop culture, and politics — and really ask yourself what you want. Breaking free from things you were taught from an early age can be extremely difficult, especially when there can be a lot of shame and guilt associated with sex and owning your sexuality, but taking a step back to reevaluate it is key in understanding your sexual needs.

2. Masturbate

Baratz explained that while there isn’t an order to whether you should talk to your partner or focus on learning what you like first, “it never hurts to know yourself first.” So if you don’t already masturbate, Baratz advises you to start! (If you haven’t masturbated a lot in the past and feel intimidated, check out our best tips for getting the job done.) Plus, if you do choose to focus on yourself first before bringing the issue to your partner, you can also immediately bring up specific things you like in order to enhance and prioritize your pleasure going forward.

“Talking about sex — no matter what the issue — is important if you want to experience arousal, pleasure, and an orgasm. Period,” Baratz said. “Start talking about sex right from the beginning of your relationship. And if you haven’t — start now! It’s never too late.” Making this a habit will ensure you and your partner are both on the same page and getting what you want.

4. Push Through the Discomfort of Discussing Your Pleasure

Number three is much easier said than done, right? It’s normal to feel weird about talking about pleasure with your partner if you’ve never done it before! How do you even bring it up? What do you say? “You [might] feel anxious or uncomfortable if you’ve never talked about sex or your pleasure openly,” Baratz explained. “Push through it — obviously only if you feel safe to do so. But it does require action, verbal communication, and some level of risk.” Only you can voice your needs.

5. Let Go of Myths About How You Should Orgasm

“You don’t have to come at the same time as your partner,” Baratz told POPSUGAR. “You can [also] use your own hands — your partner doesn’t need to be the one to get you off. Focus on bringing the exact same movements, rhythms, and types of touch that you employ during masturbation to partnered sex.” Basically, forget about those perfectly rehearsed movie sex scenes where the couple orgasms at the exact same time. That’s now how things are in real life, so experiment, explore, and learn what works for you.

Getting to know your body and having ongoing communication with your partner(s) is the ultimate way to close the pleasure gap. “You can work on teaching your partner and yourself all at once, but it has to start somewhere,” Baratz said, adding that, above all, the most important aspect in all of this is to “make sure you are with a partner who is safe and caring.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to have a better orgasm

– whether on your own or with a partner

How to have a better orgasm is easier than you think, all you need to do is follow our simple, expert rules…

By

Want to know how to have a better orgasm? Course you do. There’s nothing worse than having an orgasm that leaves you feeling, well, a little deflated. But, sadly, it happens – even if you are using one of the best vibrators.

“No two orgasms are exactly the same,” says Annabelle Knight, sex and relationship expert at sexual wellness brand Lovehoney. “Some feel so good that they blow your socks off but others, while pleasurable, may not have the same level of intensity.”

But, luckily, there are things you can do about it to help. “The intensity of the orgasm is all linked in to the quality of the sex that proceeded it,” says Annabelle. “The better the sex, the better, and often longer, the orgasm. Plus, an orgasm can often be more intense if you refrain from sex for a few days. And orgasms can be a little less intense if you have sex repeatedly over a short space of time.”

Want to find out more? Here’s everything you need to know about how to have a better orgasm…

How to have a better orgasm on your own

Going solo? Here’s Annabelle’s top tips for women for achieving a better orgasm:

  1. Try a toy
    “Toys are fabulous as they take all the hard work and do it for you, especially those with different settings and intensities. They allow you to tailor make your orgasm and can provide you with a variety of sensations each and every time.”
  2. Use lube
    “Lubricant reduces friction and drag during masturbation. The slick sensations will make stimulation easier and lead to a far more indulgent experience.”
  3. Get yourself in the mood
    “For many women reading an erotic novel is the best way to get them in the mood. A book is far less obvious than just watching porn, especially when you consider that on the whole the female mind is far more imaginative than the male counterpart, especially when it comes to sex. A sexy book is the perfect way to kick-start those creative juices and to get you in the mood.”
  4. Explore your erogenous zones
    “Women have 25 of them. Yes, 25. Try stimulating some of the less obvious ones like the belly button, lower back, inner wrist and the perineum, the highly sensitive patch of skin between the anus and the vagina. Many of us are completely unaware of all the pleasure zones on our bodies and we are missing out on a lot of sexual happiness by not exploring them all. Everyone is different and responds in different ways to different kinds of touch. Knowledge is the key when trying to improve sexual experience.”

How to have a better orgasm with your partner

“There are lots of simple techniques couples can use to ensure they have better orgasms,” says Annabelle. Here are her tips to try:

  1. Your most important sex organ is your brain
    “It sounds obvious, but the best sex happens when you have a deep connection with your partner. Half of men (48%) and 39% of women reckon that love is the most important factor in achieving sexual happiness, according to research by Lovehoney.”
  2. Take on the mindset you had in your first week of dating
    “Remember those early milestones in the relationship: the first time you saw them, the first kiss and the first time you had sex. Cherish those memories and try to recreate the excitement you both felt.”
  3. Variety is the spice of life
    “Eat the same meal every night and you will soon get bored of it. Why do you think that sex is any different? Too many couples get stuck in a sex rut where they do the same things, at the same time with the same results. Sex becomes routine rather than something special which you look forward to. Mix it up in whatever way works for you: pick a different room in the house to have sex each time; drive to the countryside and find a secluded spot for your passion; try having sex in the morning instead of the evening; or treat yourselves to a new sex toy. Anything which keeps things fun and breaks the routine.”
  4. Don’t be greedy
    “Very few couples have consistently great sex every single time. Most of us experience a mixture of fantastically great sessions, ‘ordinary’ shags and the odd funny incident throughout our relationships. Even couples who rate their sex life as fantastic admit only 2-3 sessions out of every 10 are sheet-grabbing material, so yes, enjoy the phenomenal sessions, but appreciate the good ones just as much.”
  5. Kissing is key
    “A lot of couples underestimate the importance of kissing, which is a shame because it’s the perfect way to establish intimacy, and is arguably the most important act of foreplay. Because kissing usually kicks off any sexual activity, knowing how to kiss well can set the tone for the whole evening. Whether it’s lots of tongue, no tongue, nibbling, light pecks or deep, romantic kisses, knowing what your partner enjoys is key to kicking things off right.”

Techniques for how to have a better orgasm

The best advice for how to have a better orgasm? Try to relax – stress and orgasms don’t mix. 

“Higher levels of cortisol are associated with anxiety and stress emotions, and high cortisol can suppress sex hormones that impact desire,” says Annabelle. “Having sex when you’re feeling anxious is also basically like asking your mind to multitask, which is hard to do. You are faced with two competing interests for the same neurological system – your anxiety and your sexual activity. It’s not surprising you may struggle to get in the mood.”

But it is worth persevering. “Sex is a great way to relieve stress,” says Annabelle. “The benefits include release of endorphins and other hormones that elevate mood. It’s also great exercise, which itself is an effective stress reliever.”

Here’s Annabelle’s tips to aid relaxation and improve the quality of your orgasms:

  1. Talk to your partner
    “Your partner may not be aware that you are feeling stressed, so by acknowledging that worry may be causing you sexual issues is the first step to regaining your sex life. It might also encourage your partner to take some responsibilities off your shoulders. Research has shown that sharing the chores is one of the secrets to a good relationship. Getting help at home can help you feeling less tired and more in the mood for sex. If you are on your own, talk about your issues with friends via Facetime or Zoom.”
  2. Make time for sex
    “Making time for sex play and to feel sexual is essential. Enjoy prolonged foreplay, intimate massage or just kiss and cuddle to lower those stress levels. Set the alarm 30 minutes earlier and enjoy wake-up sex.”
  3. Ditch the tech
    “Keep the phone out of the bedroom unless you are using it to film the action! One in four of us text before we go to sleep and over one third of people take their laptop to bed, so make sure you don’t fall into that trap to avoid stress before bedtime. Checking work emails before bedtime is likely to boost stress just when you don’t need it. Leave them till the morning.”
  4. Get more sleep
    “Stress can affect our sleeping patterns, but a good night’s sleep keeps our sexual engines humming. Healthy people who have good sleep patterns are going to be more open to being sexual.”

What to do if you don’t have a better orgasm right away

Try not to feel defeated if you don’t have a better orgasm right away. “You shouldn’t ever feel deflated after an orgasm because sex should always be a positive thing done consensually,” says Annabelle. “It’s just that some orgasms are better than others.”

Try to distract yourself for a bit. “Orgasms are a huge part of sexual satisfaction, but focusing on them too much can actually prevent you from achieving regular orgasms,” says Annabelle. “Instead, focus on your own individual pleasure and on what feels good in the moment. This is called ‘non demanding touch’ and is important in bringing you and your partner together through activities such as sensual massage or mutual masturbation.”

How to always have an orgasm

Just want an orgasm, and not necessarily one that’s “better” than normal? 

“Nothing is ‘fool proof’ when it comes to sex,” says Annabelle. “We are humans, not robots. The quality of the sex we enjoy is determined by so many things including physical wellbeing and the emotional connection you have with your partner as well as more practical considerations such as how much alcohol you have drunk beforehand.”

Sounds familiar? “By using good sexual techniques and communicating openly with your partner you can certainly greatly improve the frequency and intensity of your orgasm,” says Annabelle. “But it would be wrong to say that you could fool-proof the whole process. No one can do that, no matter how good they are at sex.”

What happens if a woman doesn’t climax?

Been sexually active for a while and never had an orgasm at all?

“It’s uncommon, but not impossible for women to struggle to climax,” says Annabelle. “Taking certain medications, stress, inadequate stimulation and some medical conditions can all contribute to difficulty in reaching orgasm.”

Worried it’s something more serious? “Anorgasmia is the persistent inability to achieve orgasm despite responding to sexual stimulation. It’s a recognised medical term.” Sounds like you? “A woman over 40 who doesn’t think she has ever had an orgasm should see her GP – she is denying herself one of the greatest pleasures life has to offer,” says Annabelle. “Her doctor will be able to determine whether the root cause is physical or psychological. Sometimes there can be a very simple solution such as the use of lubrication to make foreplay and intercourse less painful, particularly in women who struggle physically to self-lubricate.”

Why do some people struggle to orgasm?

Wondering if your problem with having an orgasm is physical or psychological? “Both factors are significant, but I tend to find that physical reasons are more common,” says Annabelle. “It really comes down to poor sexual technique and a lack of stimulation. Remember only one in three women can regularly climax through intercourse alone without further clitoral stimulation. That means if you don’t provide some extra help, seven out of ten women are unlikely to have an orgasm during sex. That is an awful lot of women. Too many women are afraid to address this fundamental issue and enjoy the sex they deserve.”

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4 things about female orgasms researchers actually study

Cardi B’s song WAP and the Netflix show Sex Education place female orgasms on centre stage in popular culture.

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But female orgasms are also the subject of serious academic research.

Here’s a snapshot of what research tells us about female orgasms, what we don’t know, and what researchers want to find out.

1. When women orgasm, what actually happens?

When women orgasm, their pelvic floor muscles contract rhythmically and involuntarily. These contractions are thought to help move blood out of erect tissues of the clitoris and vulva, allowing them to return to their usual flaccid (floppy) state.

During sexual arousal and orgasm, women’s heart rate, respiration rate and blood pressure also rise.

Levels of oxytocin, known as the “love hormone”, increase during sexual arousal and are thought to peak during orgasm.

The areas of the brain associated with dopamine, the “happy hormone”, are activated in men and women.

And in women, other areas of the brain are activated further during sexual arousal and peak with orgasm. These include those associated with emotions, the integration of sensory information and emotions, higher-level thinking, and motor areas associated with pelvic floor muscles.

The “right angular gyrus” part of the brain may also be linked with an altered state of consciousness some women say they experience when they orgasm.

What is trickier to determine is how the body and brain relate. We know the frequency and intensity of female orgasms depends on a range of complex psychosocial factors, including a woman’s sexual desires, self-esteem, openness of sexual communication with their partner, and general mental health.

2. Not all women orgasm. Is that a problem?

Orgasms are not a big deal for all women, and that’s completely normal.

And 21% of Australian women aged 20-64 say they cannot climax. From a simplistic biological viewpoint, anorgasmia (the inability to orgasm despite adequate sexual stimulation) is also not a problem. However, women with anorgasmia often report shame, inadequacy, anxiety, distress and detachment surrounding intercourse and orgasm.

These negative emotions might be related to the long history of suppression, and now celebration, of women’s sexual pleasure.

For many women, orgasms represent empowerment. Understandably, then, anorgasmia can leave women feeling as though there is something wrong with them. Some might fake orgasm, which around two-thirds report doing. This is usually to make them feel better about themselves, or to make their partners feel better.

 
Many women say they fake their orgasms, as portrayed in the classic movie When Harry Met Sally.

More than 80% of women won’t orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone. So if anorgasmia is a problem, trying different types of stimulation might help, particularly clitoral stimulation.

When anorgasmia leads to negative feelings or gets in the way of forming or sustaining healthy sexual relationships, it becomes a problem. But certain websites, “sextech” (technology that aims to enhance female sexual experiences), and dedicated health professionals can help.

3. Can you over-orgasm?

No! While a survey run by an online dating site suggests 77% of women have had multiple orgasms, academic research suggests the figure is much lower, at around 14%.

Some women who have multiple orgasms report their second orgasm as the strongest, but ones after that become less intense.

Just make sure you have enough lubrication to last the distance, as prolonged stimulation without sufficient lubrication can lead to pain.

Around 50% of women in one study said they use vibrators to reach orgasm (or multiple orgasms). Some people say vibrators can decrease the sensitivity of the clitoris, making it harder for women to orgasm through clitoral stimulation that doesn’t involve vibration. However, most research finds any desensitisation is mild and transitory.

4. What use is it anyway?

Evolutionists tend to take three views on why the female orgasm has evolved: to increase the success of reproduction; to enhance pair-bonding between women and their sexual partner; or the one I consider the most likely, is that women’s orgasms do not serve any evolutionary purpose at all. They are simply a by-product of evolution, existing because the male and female genitals develop in a similar way as embryos, and only begin to differentiate at about six weeks’ gestation.

Just because women’s orgasms do not serve an evolutionary purpose, that doesn’t mean they aren’t important. Women’s orgasms are important because for many women, they contribute to healthy relationships and their sexual well-being.

What’s left to find out?

For a long time, we’ve assumed details about the female orgasm based on its male counterpart. And it’s only since 2011 that we’ve been able to map what happens in women’s brains during sexual stimulation. So there’s plenty about the female brain during orgasm we haven’t yet explored.

We’ve only recently learned about the true size and function of the clitoris. We’re also still debating whether the G-spot exists.

Women’s sexuality, desires, likes and dislikes are also incredibly varied. And in this article, we’ve only talked about, and included research with, cis-gendered females, people whose gender identity and expression matches the sex they were assigned at birth.

So we also need more research with gender-diverse people to better understand the complexity and diversity of orgasm and sexuality.

Whether science can explain all these differences in the complexity of the human being remains to be seen.

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The Woman Who Taught Us Pleasure

Remembering Betty Dodson, the pioneering sex educator.

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Betty Dodson, the pioneering sexologist, educator, and author, died in New York City on Saturday. She was 91 years old.

Dodson built her career around educating women in the art self-pleasure. In the 1970s, she began hosting masturbation workshops in her Manhattan apartment, in which women got naked, examined one another’s vulvas and then practiced pleasuring themselves with a vibrator. (Or, as Dodson put it last year when asked what happens in her workshops: “Everyone gets off.”)

She was inspired to start the workshops, she said, after attending several orgies and realizing that even the most freewheeling, sex-positive women often struggled to orgasm. Effective masturbation, she believed, was a form of liberation for women, a way for them to learn to prioritize their own sexual experience and reduce their dependence on men. As she wrote in her 2010 memoir, Sex by Design: The Betty Dodson Story, “Instinct told me that sexual mobility was the same as social mobility. Men had it and women didn’t.”

Born in Wichita, Kansas, on August 24, 1929, Dodson moved to New York when she was 20 to pursue a career as an artist. She was briefly married to an advertising executive, but the two were sexually incompatible; she was “not orgasmic” with him, she once told Salon. Dodson said her sexual shame and dissatisfaction led her to start drinking heavily. After her divorce in 1965, she got sober, and, according to the New York Times, it was in Alcoholics Anonymous that she met a man who, she said, taught her about self-pleasure and would remain one of her sexual partners until his death in 2008.

Dodson’s own sexuality was fluid. She described herself as “heterosexual, bisexual, lesbian.” Her attitude toward men, the Times noted in a profile of her earlier this year, was occasionally dismissive. “Men are so two-dimensional,” she said. “If there is anything interesting about them, it’s because of the women they’ve been with.” There were exceptions, though. She recalled with fondness, for example, Eric Wilkinson, the man she lived with for over a decade when she was in her 70s and he was in his 20s. “He was so beautiful. He had the perfect body, broad shoulders, good-size genitals, and tight bones.”

Gruff, blunt, and wickedly funny, Dodson’s teachings have been hugely influential in how women’s sexual health and pleasure are discussed today. Her book Sex for One has been translated into over 25 languages; her self-pleasure workshops are taught by “bodysex leaders,” as they are known, around the world; and she even worked as an adviser for New York’s popular Museum of Sex. “Betty had it all,” Annie Sprinkle, the 1970s porn star turned sex educator, who was a student of Dodson’s, told the Times. “She popularized the clitoris and clitoral orgasms, and gave the clitoris celebrity status.”

But even if the conversation around female pleasure has come a long way from where it was when Dodson was first attending orgies, there’s still a long way to go. Consider her appearance last year on The Goop Lab, Netflix’s docuseries about Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle company. In an episode called “The Pleasure Is Ours,” Dodson preaches how important it is that women “run the fuck,” and she makes Paltrow’s cheeks blush the same shade of millennial pink as the couch she’s sitting on. She also corrects Paltrow’s terminology. When the Goop founder boasts that “vaginas” are her favorite subject, Dodson cuts her off. “The vagina’s the birth canal only,” she says firmly. “You wanna talk about the vulva, which is the clitoris and the inner lips and all that good shit around it.”

It’s a telling moment. Paltrow is a woman who advances and profits from the notion of female pleasure by peddling expensive jade yoni eggs and a candle that supposedly smells like her vagina. (Did she mean vagina or vulva? I guess we don’t know.) But she’s iffy on the specifics of female anatomy, and a comment about women “running the fuck” makes her blush. Clearly, Dodson’s message of open and honest communication around female sexual pleasure is as relevant today as it was when she hosted her first masturbation workshop in the 1970s.

As for her own pleasure, Dodson never stopped enjoying it. As she told the Cut back in 2011, when she was 83: “Last month, I had a knockout [orgasm]. I went, ‘Whoa, girl. You still got it.’”

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Why you need to prioritise your own orgasm

– and it’s not only because they feel amazing

Sadly, no one else will do it for you.

by Faye M Smith

Can’t remember the last time you had an orgasm? For most women, they last just 10.9 seconds. And, while that may seem rather quick, orgasms can do more than just make you feel good in that short space of time. So you could be missing out on vital health benefits!

If you need help to prioritise your own orgasm, then trying one of the best vibrators could be for you. More than a quarter of British women claim they are “more likely” to orgasm if they use one, found sexual wellness brand Lovehoney.

So, why should you prioritise your own orgasm? Well, not only do the endorphins released during arousal help ease pain, but a study in Israel found that women who had two orgasms per week were 30% less likely to have heart disease. Plus, American research found that menopausal women who had an orgasm every week had oestrogen levels twice as high as those who didn’t, which is essential for protecting bones.

But, with the average woman taking 13 minutes and 25 seconds to climax, according to the Kadave Institute of Medical Sciences, many women don’t feel they have time to fit more sex or masturbation into their already busy lives. “Too many women are afraid to address this fundamental issue and enjoy the sex they deserve,” says Annabelle Knight, sex and relationship expert with Lovehoney.

This is why you need to prioritise your own orgasm. Ready? Here’s how to make sure you have an orgasm every time…

Learn to de-stress and prioritise your own orgasm

Pressures with work or family will directly affect when (or if) you reach climax. “The biggest psychological barrier to orgasm is stress – it’s essentially a sexual poison,” says Annabelle.

Timing is key, so choose a time to have sex or masturbate when you’re not rushing around. Plus, remember to breathe deeply throughout; it will help you block out distractions. A belter of an orgasm is achievable – you just need to relax.

Tightening your pelvic floor can help you orgasm

A weakened pelvic floor can cause a loss in sensation, yet a third of women are too embarrassed to bring the topic up with their GP, found a survey by wellness charity Jo’s Cervical Trust.

“Learning to control your pelvic floor can help you climax,” says Annabelle. Tone up by doing 100-200 pelvic floor contractions daily. Never done them before? Imagine you are stopping a fart, then a wee, then draw these two feelings in together.

Changing positions can help you prioritise your own orgasm

Is your sex life predictable? If it’s the same position every Tuesday after EastEnders, then, sadly, it is. Mixing things up could make accessing your G-spot easier. Need inspiration? Then have sex somewhere different, such as outside or in the shower.

“Trying new positions is important for increasing your orgasm potential, as is remembering that 70% of women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm,” says Annabelle. “Some positions are better for this than others, such as missionary. Make sure that you and your partner move in a circular motion, rather than thrust, as this maximises stimulation.”

Faking an orgasm is a waste of time when it comes to your pleasure

Faking your orgasms because you don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings? “It’s one of the most damaging things a person can do to their own sexual happiness,” warns Annabelle.

“If your partner’s doing something good in bed, tell them. If they’re not, remind them of a time you experienced pleasure and express a desire to repeat this. Reading erotic fiction together can help, as it includes scenarios you could both explore. This also removes sexual responsibility and eliminates any blame your partner might feel if you were to talk directly to them about something you don’t like.”

Eating right can help you prioritise your orgasm

Feeling hungry? Oysters, chocolate, peppers, eggs and spinach can improve your chances of reaching orgasm. “Aphrodisiacs create a sense of heightened sexual state – sometimes just thinking about an aphrodisiac may work as one,” says Annabelle.

“They can also work by producing chemicals linked to sexual desire and increase blood flow, meaning our genitals have access to a ready supply of blood, which makes them engorged and leads to sexual arousal.”

Knowing that you deserve an orgasm will help you have one

“Women have had a rough deal when it comes to sexual pleasure and many struggle with issues, such as shame,” says Annabelle. In fact, a survey by sex-toy brand Tenga found that only 14% of British females were taught about pleasure as part of their sexual education.

“At school, anything to do with sex is discussed with the view that it’s for procreation and nothing else,” says Annabelle. “This delivers a damaging message to women that their pleasure is not only unimportant, but also not to be expected.”

Why you should seek help if you struggle to orgasm

Feel your sex-to-orgasm ratio isn’t sufficiently balanced? Don’t be afraid to seek help from a professional. “A woman who doesn’t think she has had an orgasm should see her GP. She’s denying herself one of the greatest pleasures life has to offer,” says Annabelle.

Thankfully, there are simple changes that can solve the situation. “Certain medications and medical conditions can contribute to lack of orgasm,” says Annabelle. “Usually, though, it’s purely down to poor sexual technique and not enough lubrication, which can make foreplay and intercourse painful.”

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8 tips to have better and more intense orgasms

By Ava English

  • To have a better orgasm, stimulate your c-spot, p-spot, or g-spot.
  • To have a more intense orgasm, try edging or kegel exercises.
  • There’s no evidence that masturbating or watching porn less frequently can improve your orgasm.

Regardless of what you call it — climaxing, coming, or finishing — orgasms are often considered the peak of a sexual experience. However, they can also be a bit of an enigma, and, for some, difficult to achieve.

According to sex experts, here are some ways you can improve your orgasm:

1. Find the right spot

Your genitals are loaded with nerve endings, but some spots are more sensitive than others. And stimulating the right spot may lead to a more intense and pleasurable orgasm.

Stimulate the clitoris

One way to enhance partnered sex is to incorporate clitoral stimulation to boost your pleasure. The clitoris is a major erogenous zone, comparable to a penis, in terms of nerve endings and physiology structure and you can stimulate it in various ways starting with the C-spot.

The C-spot is the part of the clitoris that is visible. This spot holds many nerve endings and is super sensitive to touch. Therefore, stimulating it during masturbation or partnered sex can lead to extremely intense orgasms. 

Another well-known spot is the G-spot, which is thought to be an erogenous zone located within the vaginal canal. However, Mathis Kennington, PhD, a certified sex therapist and co-founder of The Practice in Austin and The Couple Lab, says that this intense stimulation is actually another type of clitoral stimulation.

“The clitoris is much larger than most people know,” says Kennington, “often women who feel a G-spot-like orgasm are actually just feeling a different part of their clitoris being stimulated through penetration,” says Kennington.

Clitoral stimulation often doesn’t happen during penetrative sex alone. In fact, a 2017 survey published in the Journal of Sex and Marital therapy found that out of 1055 women in the US only 18.4% of them reported the ability to orgasm from penetrative sex alone.

You can stimulate the clitoris by using your hands, your partner’s hands, or a toy like a vibrator.

Stimulate the P-spot 

The P-spot refers to the prostate. The prostate is a reproductive organ located below the bladder that produces semen.

Some people find that stimulating this area leads to quick and extremely intense orgasms. You or a partner can stimulate this area with fingers “either directly through insertion into the anus or through the skin by massaging the space underneath his testicles and above the anus,” says Kennington.

2. Practice mindfulness

Getting in touch with sensations during daily activities can help you enhance your pleasure and intensity of orgasms in the bedroom. Sex is, after all, quite sensual.

Emily Jamea, PhD, a certified sex therapist at REVIVE in Houston, conducted research published in Sexual and Relationships Therapy that found heightening sensuality — or the ability to tune into the five senses — outside the bedroom improves sexual satisfaction inside the bedroom by strengthening the mind-body connection.

The study consisted of 195 individuals over the age of 25 in secure, long-term relationships. The participants completed a survey that measured attachment, sensuality, curiosity, imagination, and sexual satisfaction. Within this group, sensuality and imagination were significantly correlated with optimal sexual satisfaction.

For example, people who reported that they savor the food they eat or actually notice the warmth of the sun on their face while out for a walk have an easier time connecting with the sensual pleasures of sex.

This approach may be especially useful for people raised as women. In particular, with regards to being mindful of the sensations on your body during routine activities such as showering. People raised as women sometimes struggle to connect with pleasure sensations, and becoming more mindful of bodily sensation in general, “can help women overcome a mind-body disconnect and improve their sexual experiences,” says Jamea.

3. Try masturbating 

Mastering masturbation may lead to better and more frequent orgasms during partnered sex because it can help you know what gets you going.

“I always encourage my clients to explore their body so they know what makes them feel good,” says Jamea.

Oftentimes, people will cut out masturbation or porn consumption, thinking it will improve their orgasms during partnered sex. However, Kennington says there is no correlation between porn consumption, masturbation, and a better orgasm during partnered sex.

Masturbation and porn consumption can, however, get in the way of having good partnered sex if people are not honest about their sexual preferences with their partners. Porn is also not a always a realistic representation of sex or masturbation as it’s a form of entertainment, not education.

This can happen if someone experiences anxiety about their sexual preferences and outsource to porn, rather than talking openly to their partners about what they want sexually. Kennington describes this type of behavior as an erotic conflict, which can strain relationships sexually — and entirely — if not addressed.

Instead of cutting out masturbation entirely to improve orgasms during partnered sex, Jamea suggests that people should practice masturbating mindfully. This often means cutting out porn and focusing on connecting with sensations and what feels good.

Masturbation can also allow people to visually show their partners what makes them climax. This helps their partners understand what feels good to them sexually and can improve future partnered sex.

Jamea says that’s partly why, same-sex couples might have less difficulty than heterosexual couples when it comes to communicating sexual needs because each partner has an inherent understanding of the other’s anatomy.

4. Focus on foreplay

Foreplay extends sexual tension during partnered sex, which can lead to more pleasurable orgasms. It is an especially important component for those with vaginas.

The vagina often produces a natural lubricant when aroused to prepare the body for penetration. Foreplay is important before penetration because this lubricant makes penetrative partnered sex more comfortable.

Foreplay can also help narrow the orgasm gap for heterosexual partners. Men usually orgasm, or finish, before women, which oftentimes ends the sexual experience. “Men usually orgasm in 2 to 10 minutes, whereas women take 15 to 30 minutes on average,” says Jamea.

While Jamea says simultaneous orgasms are not realistic for every sexual experience, she encourages both partners to be equally considerate of each other’s pleasure during sex. Spending time focusing on one another’s pleasure during foreplay is one way to boost simultaneous sexual climax.

Try having your partner stimulate your c-spot, g,spot, or P-spot manually, or with a vibrator, or perform oral sex to experience intense pleasure during foreplay to improve your orgasm.

5. Overcome performance anxiety

Performance anxiety can often get in the way of experiencing maximum pleasure during partnered sex. Performance anxiety can stem from an insecurity about one’s sexual performance, body image, or how they think their partner feels about them sexually. This type of anxiety can result in those with penises ejaculating too quickly or not at all.

Often, people experience performance anxiety because they fixate solely on reaching orgasm for themselves or a partner, says Kennington, rather than focusing on what feels good during sex.

Focusing on the sensual pleasure of the experience during partnered sex, rather than achieving an orgasm, can help improve sexual experiences.

6. Try edging

Edging is the practice of ending sexual stimulation right as you are about to orgasm, waiting, and then beginning stimulation again to control the timing of your orgasm.

“Both the loss of control and the stimulation of a man’s penis either orally or manually over and over again can make an orgasm intensely pleasurable,” says Kennington. He says that for those with clitorises , edging serves the same purpose.

Communication between partners is important during edging so one can let the other know when they’re about to reach orgasm. Also, it can be important for partners to talk about the length of time they want to continue edging during sex. This will help both partners have a more enjoyable experience by making sure they have the same expectations.

7. Discuss sexual fantasies

Sexual fantasies are the arousing, erotic mental images we conjure up in our heads. While people can feel ashamed of these thoughts, daydreaming about sex is completely normal and even healthy.

Bringing up — and acting out — sexual fantasies can be an exciting way to spice up your sex life with a partner. Talking about sexual fantasies will help build desire for and with a partner, says Kennington, which is one of the most important factors of great sex.

Try talking to your partner about your sexual fantasies inside the bedroom as well as outside it. Just make sure to discuss boundaries and establish consent before engaging in any sexual behavior.

Learn more about how to approach your partner with a sexual fantasy with these tips.

8. Do kegels

Kegels are exercises that help strengthen pelvic floor muscles. “The more the pelvic floor muscles are strong and healthy, typically the better orgasms people will have,” says Jamea. Strong pelvic floor muscles can lead to more intense orgasms for everyone, not just those with vaginas.

Jamea recommends kegel exercises for people that ejaculate too quickly during partnered sex. Oftentimes, premature ejaculation, or quick orgasms, happen because the pelvic floor muscles are too tight. Doing these exercises can help people learn to relax these muscles during sex and therefore, have more enjoyable sexual experiences.

Before practicing kegels, it’s best to visit a pelvic physical therapist. They can help you determine what is safe and necessary for your body.

Learn more about the other health benefits of kegel exercises and how to do them.

Why can’t I orgasm?

“People struggle to reach orgasm if they have a hard time connecting with pleasure during a sexual experience,” says Jamea. This can happen for many reasons including a conflict in the relationship, poor body image, or difficulty connecting to one’s sensations during sex.

Kennington says there is no go-to position to guarantee an orgasm. He says, “positions are like brushstrokes, it all depends on the artist and the canvas.” The best thing you can do to have great orgasms is to learn about what works for you and for you and a partner sexually.

Both experts agree that in relationships, it is important each partner’s pleasure gets equal focus. However, this may not always result in an orgasm. Every person has a unique idea about what makes them feel satisfied sexually. It is important to have an ongoing and open dialogue with your partner about their sexual interests to maintain a healthy relationship.

As people age, natural changes can occur that can affect a person’s ability to orgasm. For example, menopause causes changes in vaginal walls which leads to a decreased production of natural lubrication. This can make vaginal sex uncomfortable and an extra lubricant might be needed to have a more enjoyable experience.

If you are concerned about libido or problems with your sex life, talk to your doctor. Many times there are medications or treatment plans that can help.

If you have never had an orgasm or are have had one in the past and are now having difficulty, consider reaching out to a certified sex therapist. They can work with you to identify potential sources — physical or psychological — that are causing this issue.

The bottom line

Open communication with your partner about sexual boundaries and interests is essential for a healthy sex life in relationships. “The platinum rule when it comes to sex and pleasure is to never have sex you don’t want to have,” says Kennington. This way, each partner can always and only engage in sex where they feel secure, thereby focusing on maximizing their pleasure.

Talking to your partner about what you want sexually can be a really un-sexy conversation. But,  this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, says Kennington. He suggests treating conversations about sex and pleasure like any other conversation. “What would you do if you have a culinary interest and your partner is a chef? You would tell them you want a steak and how you want it cooked.” Kennington says. The same goes for sex — communicate your desires and needs.

When it comes to planning this talk, Jamea says the best time to have it is at the kitchen table, rather than the bedroom. This way, you can address your partner in a non-threatening way. Right after sex, they may feel vulnerable, making it a less than ideal time.

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Men are still having more orgasms than women

One in 20 women have never orgasmed with a sexual partner

By Almara Abgarian

If you thought the orgasm gap was a thing of the past, we are sadly here to tell you that this is not the case.

A new study from the sex toy company Lelo has revealed that men are still climaxing more often than women during sex, 66% compared to 43% respectively.

What’s more, almost one in 20 women have never orgasmed with a sexual partner.

The findings, which have been released for National Orgasm Day (that’s today) are the result of a survey with 4,000 heterosexual female and male participants from across the UK.

To make matters worse, not only do women climax less, but it appears many of their male partners are unaware that this is even happening, with majority of participants in relationships saying their partner orgasms 60% of the time.

This is still quite a low figure – but this could partially be due to some women not being physically able to climate during sex, rather than lack of trying by their partner.

More likely however, this is due to the orgasm gap.

What is the orgasm gap?

‘The orgasm gap refers to the stats that show that in heterosexual sexual experiences men orgasm more than women,’ explains Kate Moyle, sex and relationships expert at Lelo.

‘We also see that this gap doesn’t exist when women are having sexual experiences with women, which suggests that the gap is gendered.’

Kate explains that this is due to a variety of factors, such as lack of education, cultural differences and the fact that many people focus on intercourse to reach climax, where majority of women require clitoral stimulation to get off.

But why is the clitoris so often forgotten or ignored?

‘This is reinforced by what we see represented in many forms of sex online and in the media, where women appear to be orgasming from penetrative sex with little or no arousal,’ she says.

‘Commonly we also split up foreplay and sex, which puts the focus on “sex” as the main event, when if we reframe and think of it all as sex where the goal is pleasure then the clitoris, which is the main source of female pleasure with 8000 nerve endings would get more attention.

‘It’s not all about taking the focus off penetration, but ensuring that people are aware then when women are aroused, the clitoris becomes erect like the penis, and this means the internal structure can be stimulated and can create pleasurable sensations through intercourses, but arousal and being turned on is the key.’

‘The side effect of this lack of sex education is few of us feel confident with sexual communication, and being open about what feels good for us, and this is one of the key routes to creating change.’

Additional research by Lelo revealed three in 10 people fake their orgasms on a regular basis, with women more likely to do so, according to the study.

And only a third of those surveyed have spoken to their partner about their orgasms, or rather lack of orgasms – with men (73%) more likely to raise the issue, compared to women (56%).

If you’re missing out on orgasms, it’s time to speak up.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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10 Things Your Vibrator Can Help With That You Wouldn’t Expect

by

I’m officially dubbing 2020 the year of the vibrator.

They’re just having a bit of a moment, you know? I’m not talking about the created-from-jelly-latex, transparent pink, rabbit vibrators that many of us still think of when you read the word “vibrator.”

Nope — I’m talking about way more than just those. All kinds of vibrators: Bullet vibes, pendant vibes, wand vibes, penis vibes, dual stimulation vibes, g-spot vibes, vibrating plugs, vibrators that defy any definition other than “non-internal vibrator.”

The sex toy industry is growing faster than most of us can make room in our nightstands, but it’s not just because we’re talking about orgasm equality and sexual pleasure in a way that we never have before. It’s because sex toys (and first among them, vibrators) are touted as the remedy to everything from low self-esteem to insomnia, menstrual cramps to chronic dryness.

Vibrators are officially a wellness commodity.

That isn’t (necessarily) a bad thing. Orgasms are tied to all sorts of positive health outcomes, including more restful night’s sleep (thanks, prolactin) and pain relief (thanks to you, too, endorphins). Orgasms have more benefits than we currently even know, and if most people with clitorises are only having orgasms when their clits are stimulated, it stands to reason that we’re going to turn to tools (like vibrators) to help out.

Globally, the sex toy market is predicted to grow by 9.92 billion USD by 2023. A big contributor to that growth is a shift in our belief system from “sex toys are dirty” to “sex toys are healthy” and toy companies are investing heavily in that messaging.

So, here are 10 of the benefits that I’ve seen sex toy companies advertise — and if vibrators actually can help with them in a meaningful way.

Insomnia 

There are nights where you’re happy to be up until dawn and then there are the nights where you’re asking yourself “how the hell did I get here?” If you find yourself in that second group more often than not, you might experience insomnia, a sleep disorder characterized by the inability to fall (or stay) asleep.

Orgasms lower your level of cortisol (a hormone related to stress) and also release prolactin. The combination of the two hormonal shifts can help you feel much more relaxed, which in turn can actually help you fall asleep and actually stay asleep.

The verdict: Yes, as long as you’re having orgasms with your vibrator, it can help you with sleep.

The caveat: If you control your vibrator using an app on your cellphone, the blue light’s waking influence on your brain may counteract the drowsiness brought on by your cuddly hormones.

Chronic Dryness

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? (The answer is always ‘no one cares’, btw). Chronic vaginal dryness is uncomfortable AF, and it’s not something that just affects people going through menopause.

You might experience chronic vaginal dryness if you’re taking antidepressants or allergy medication, as a result of chronic yeast infections or using harsh soaps on your vulva, if you’re taking hormonal birth control or are on testosterone therapy, if you’re simply dehydrated, or…for a lot of other reasons. In short, your vagina might be persistently dry at some point — even when you’re feeling thirsty.

One 2016 study of 70 (cisgender) women found that two-thirds of participants experienced increased vaginal lubrication after using a vibrator for three months.

The verdict: Using a vibrator could help your vagina produce more lubrication on its own.

The caveat: You should always use a lubricant when you use a vibrator, otherwise you risk creating tiny tears in your skin, which could actually lead to more irritation longterm. So, stock up on a good-quality lube first.

Anorgasmia

If you feel like orgasms always elude you, then you may be experiencing anorgasmia — or simply put, a lack of orgasms. Anorgasmia can be caused my oodles of things, from stress and a history of trauma to reduced nerve response and you or your partners simply not knowing how to help you reach orgasm.

Vibrators provide intense stimulation, so if you’ve struggled to reach orgasm (and you want to have one), adding a vibrator to your sexual toolkit can help.

The verdict: A vibrator might help with this, but it’s not as simple as it seems.

The caveat: Depending on what the root cause is, a vibrator might not help you reach orgasm. It’s worth a shot, but if it doesn’t help you, that’s okay too.

Healing from Sexual Trauma

Sexual violence isn’t an uncommon experience, and even though we’ve made strides in talking about it, we still don’t talk much about its after-effects. After experiencing sexual trauma, many people experience a range of sexual difficulties, including — but certainly not only — sexual avoidance.

As a sex educator who has also worked as a victim’s advocate, sex toys are something that my students often ask me about, so let’s jump right to the answer here.

The verdict: Vibrators and other sex toys can be helpful tools if you’re healing from sexual trauma, helping you to regain a sense of control and autonomy over your body.

The caveat: This is just one part of healing from sexual trauma, and I wouldn’t identify it as a starting point (though maybe you would). You deserve to address all of the parts of your healing journey. Resources like RAINN can help you connect to support systems local to you.

Menstrual Cramps

Ugh. Ibuprofen, heating pads, and epsom salt baths can only take us so far, so it would be pretty awesome if vibrators could help with menstrual cramps. And, thanks to a combination of pelvic floor contractions and endorphins released during orgasm, they can!

The verdict: Yes, if you have orgasms with your vibrator, it might help relieve period cramps.

The caveat: If you typically experience cramping or slight pain during or after orgasm, then using a vibrator during your period might make you feel even more uncomfortable.

Headaches

Whether your headaches are caused by your kids, a stressful job, or both, you’re probably in the market for something that can help relieve that annoying pain. You’re probably familiar with the “not tonight dear, I have a headache” trope, but is it actually backwards? Can sex help headaches? Maybe. But literally just maybe.

The verdict: Maybe. Some people say that having orgasms relieves their headaches, and you could be one of them.

The caveat: Some people say that having orgasms makes their headaches worse, and some people often experience headaches after orgasm. So, proceed with caution — and if you’re part of that second group, it’s worth talking to a doctor.

Vaginal Atrophy

No, not giving your vagina a trophy (though it deserves one, tbh). Vaginal atrophy is “thinning, drying and inflammation of the vaginal walls that may occur when your body has less estrogen” according to the Mayo Clinic’s definition. It often happens when you begin menopause, but can also happen to people with vaginas who are on a testosterone therapy regiment.

Vaginal atrophy can make penetrative sex painful (or even impossible), but can vibes actually help?

The verdict: Sex and orgasms stimulate blood flow to the pelvis, increase lubrication, and can help with the symptoms of atrophy. But…

The caveat: You shouldn’t use vibrators without lube, and if you’re already experiencing severe symptoms of atrophy, I wouldn’t recommend jumping straight to an internal vibrator. Talk with your doctor about complementary treatments you can try, too.

Self-Confidence

Sure, you could do a power pose, but why not also bring some confident vibes into your life? Many sex toy companies have updated their websites, packaging, and advertising to include messages of self-love and self-confidence. But can you actually unbox self-confidence when you unbox a toy? Sort of.

Masturbation is positively linked to higher rates of self-esteem and sexual satisfaction, which are two big components of self-confidence. So, you could make the leap and say that using a vibrator can improve your self-confidence.

The verdict: Taking control of your sexual satisfaction can be confidence-inspiring, at least in the bedroom.

The caveat: Your new vibrator might help you reach orgasm in 90 seconds or less, but self-confidence doesn’t come so quickly. It’s a mindset and environment shift that can take time — so don’t expect an instant fix.

Leaving a Bad Relationship

Some pleasure-positive influencers will say that the key to not staying in bad relationships is having a good, fully-charged vibrator in your nightstand. But, uh…it’s a lot more complicated than that. People stay in unhealthy relationships for a lot of reasons, and your vibrator probably isn’t going to help you leave one.

The verdict: A vibrator probably won’t help you leave a bad relationship.

The caveat: A vibrator might help you make more balanced decisions about who you want to have sex with, which in turn might leave you feeling more physically and emotionally satisfied.

Depression

Whether it’s seasonal or here all year, depression is that pesky cloud that can interrupt your sex life and pretty much everything else. So, if you’re experiencing depression, can vibrators and other sex toys actually help clear the clouds?

Orgasms release a jumble of hormones that cause positive feelings — oxytocin, dopamine, and endorphins. That means that they can cause an elevated mood. But, as we know, depression isn’t a mood — it’s a mental health illness that is more pervasive than grumpiness.

The verdict: Vibrators can help you reach orgasm, which can boost your mood.

The caveat: Orgasms and vibrators aren’t a magic cure for depression, but the mood boost can help make moving through your day a bit easier (in combination with therapy and potentially medication).

So, no, your vibrator isn’t going to cure every possible ailment you might develop. But also, it doesn’t really matter. Vibrators can help you have orgasms, and orgasms can make you feel good. Invest in one for its health benefits or just because you want to give your hand a break — it’s your life, so you do you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Vagina Bible

This feminist gynecologist wants you to know your body and fight the patriarchy

By Julia Belluz

With her new book, Jen Gunter aims to fight the myths that plague women.

Before the advent of C-sections, every human passed through one. But not everybody knows where it is.

The vagina.

Surveys have repeatedly shown that there’s a startling level of ignorance about female anatomy. Dr. Jen Gunter, an OB-GYN in the San Francisco Bay Area, is on a quest to change that.

On August 27, she’ll publish The Vagina Bible, an encyclopedic guide to vagina-related topics born of what Gunter is calling a “vagenda” to empower people with facts about their own bodies

The book builds on her eponymous blog, which became a viral sensation when she took on jade eggs for the vagina sold on Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle website, Goop. The eggs were being marketed as devices “queens and concubines used … to stay in shape for emperors.” In an open letter to Paltrow, Gunter debunked the website’s claims and noted how sexist they were: “Nothing,” she wrote, “says female empowerment more than the only reason to do this is for your man.

Now officially Paltrow’s nemesis — the actress has subtweeted Gunter with Goop’s response to the doctor’s criticisms — Gunter says, “The basic tenet that I go by is that you can’t be an empowered patient with inaccurate information. It’s just not possible.”

Over the years, in Gunter’s blog posts and, more recently, columns in the New York Times, she’s set the record straight on myriad vagina-adjacent topics: vaginal steaming, abortion at or after 24 weeks, misinformation about the HPV vaccine, and best practices for pubic hair care.

Recently, I spoke to Gunter about the top vagina myths, the complex reasons women seek sex, and whether she’ll send Paltrow her book. Here’s our conversation, edited for length and clarity.

Julia Belluz

Can you tell me a little about your vagenda? By the way, I love that word.

Jen Gunter

Well, I don’t think I came up with it. It was around the [2016 US] election. There was all this misogynistic crap floating around everywhere. Some dude had written about Hillary Clinton, that she had a “vagenda of manocide.”

Julia Belluz

So you’re reappropriating it.

Jen Gunter

Yeah, I repurposed that. Manocide is really where we’re going here.

Julia Belluz

You’ve been writing about women’s health for a long time, but there’s finally a broad awareness on how policies around reproductive health have been written by men for women’s bodies. What’ll it take for that to change?

Jen Gunter

The patriarchy has to end. This system where men hold the power and women are largely excluded — it is toxic.

Julia Belluz

It seems like the big vagenda, the overarching theme in the book, is exposing all the ways the patriarchy obscures information about women’s bodies or leads to a failure to investigate basic things about women’s bodies. Also, how this often leaves women uninformed. Why are women out of the loop on their own bodies? What do you think are the cultural forces behind it?

Jen Gunter

There is so much misinformation, so if what you have been told has been riddled with half-truths and sometimes even lies, it is hard to know the facts. Western medicine has been linked with the patriarchy since the beginning. If you can’t dissect female cadavers, how can you know the anatomy?

Also, we speak with euphemisms to appease societal and religious mores. If you don’t use the words for female anatomy and normal function, then that imparts shame and can also lead to confusion.

Now we also have the “natural” fallacy gaining traction. Multiple influencers and even celebrities and some doctors advance the false notion that “your body knows” and “nature is best.” And if women look up vaginal garlic [yes, this is a thing] on a naturopath’s website and see it in Our Bodies, Ourselves, of course they will think it is a valid therapy when it is not.

I get that women have been ignored — that is why I am fighting for facts — but the answer isn’t magic and mystics. The answer is demanding that science do better, both with the bench and clinical research and communication.

Julia Belluz

Okay, so let’s start with the very basic facts. You begin the book by pointing to the difference between the vulva and vagina — largely because many people don’t even know what it is. Can you lay it out?

Jen Gunter

Oh, my gosh, that’s so common! The vulva is the external part, where your underwear touches your skin. The part on the inside — where you reach up to find a tampon or check an IUD string — is the vagina. The part where the two overlap is the vestibule.

Julia Belluz

And you made a very good case in the book for why the clitoris is so cool but also really underappreciated.

Jen Gunter

Yeah, it’s the only organ in the human body that exists only for pleasure. It has no other dual function. The penis is for peeing as well. Also for procreation. The clitoris is just there for the party.

Julia Belluz

That brings me to [a] common sex idea that you explain is not quite right: Penile penetration alone leads to orgasm through the G-spot, absent the clitoris. You cite MRI studies that have shown that even when people think it’s penetration [that leads to orgasm], it’s actually the clitoris.

Jen Gunter

This comes down to the fact that so many people don’t understand how large the clitoris is and how much of it is under the labia and wrapped around the urethra. So for some women, you’re going to get some part of your clitoris stimulated with penile penetration. And for some women, you won’t, and that’s okay. It’s not how you had an orgasm, it’s that you did have an orgasm. There’s this fixation that it has to come by way of penile thrusting.

When I started writing this book, every piece of information I thought I believed or everything that we as society believe about women’s bodies, I asked myself: How does this benefit the patriarchy? And if you think about this penile thrusting, well, that makes men feel like, “Oh, I’m the big man, I’ve brought your orgasm around with my mighty sword.” You can quote me on that.

How offensive is that to women who partner with women? Like, their sex is going to be less? Please.

Julia Belluz

Right. And you found two-thirds of women aren’t having orgasm from penetrative sex, and maybe they feel disappointed about that. And clearly, they shouldn’t.

Jen Gunter

Sex should be pleasure-oriented, not metric-oriented.

Julia Belluz

That’s the aphorism for our time.

Jen Gunter

Yeah, right. It’s not did you come with his penis? It’s did you have a good time and did you enjoy yourself?

We also often get fixated on orgasm being the money shot, that penile thrusting is causing this incredible orgasm. Instead, I love the new approach to the female sexual response that is this idea that women can come to sex for many reasons. They can come to sex to have an orgasm. They can come to sex to have physical closeness with their partner. They can come to sex to feel taken care of. They can come to sex for comfort. It’s not all about being horny.

Julia Belluz

Do you think the “sex recession” is real?

Jen Gunter

I have no idea if this is really a thing or not. I often wonder if people feel pressured to say that sex is the most important thing ever in their lives, and now many people are just being more honest and practical. Also, in a heterosexual relationship — how we have largely discussed sex until relatively recently — women were just supposed to say yes, and, if things sucked, just count ceiling tiles. I hope this is changing.

We have been led to believe, [because of] the pressures of a largely patriarchal society, that sex is the one true goal, and we use sex to sell almost everything, so that just reinforces that belief. Good sex is wonderful, don’t get me wrong. But life is a lot of things.

Julia Belluz

What message do you have for men who partner with women?

Jen Gunter

I would say stop asking your female partner if she came. It’s not ticking a box. Ask, instead, what feels good for you now? What can I do for you now? What do you like? Are you having fun? Is this good? Open-minded communication. Think of it as making dinner with someone, not serving them the meal and saying, well, I hope you like that.

Julia Belluz

Would you give the same kind of advice to women who partner with women or couples with a trans partner?

Jen Gunter

I hear horrible things that women who partner with men are told by their male partners about their intimate places — such as there “can’t be any blood” or “you stink” or “why don’t you shave all your pubic hair.” I have seen women break down because they have irregular spotting on every method of birth control and “he won’t wear condoms” and “thinks blood is gross” yet expects regular sex on his schedule. The things some men tell women about their normal bodies enrage me. I struggle to think of a woman who partners with women who has come to see me because of the shame her partner had made her feel about her body or who has had a partner say vile things about her body. That is a glaring difference I have seen that sticks with me.

Julia Belluz

What, if any, conversations have you had with trans women and trans men who may still carry children?

Jen Gunter

I see trans men who have vaginal irritation, pain with sexual activity, and pelvic pain or pain with sex. Many of these patients get their care in the trans health clinic and so already have an IUD for contraception. Since I no longer insert IUDs or Implanon [a contraception implant], I wouldn’t have an in-depth discussion about these methods with any patient unless specifically asked. I would have a brief discussion about contraception with a trans patient if they are at risk of pregnancy partner-wise and not using contraception, as I would with any patient.

Julia Belluz

What have you learned about sexual health from this community?

Jen Gunter

I think the biggest takeaway I have from seeing trans patients is how hard it can be for so many to access care — either due to services not available locally, prejudice, finances, or all three — and how many different people they have to see to have their symptoms taken seriously. I hear this from many patients, but sadly, there seem to be even more barriers for trans patients, and we must work to end that.

Julia Belluz

One other theme that permeates the book, as well as a lot of your other writing and your copious word spills on Gwyneth Paltrow, is this idea that there are too many people out there trying to sell people stuff for their vaginas that they don’t need.

Jen Gunter

Oh, my god, yes. My goal is to put everybody who sells feminine hygiene bullshit out of business. When I say feminine hygiene stuff, I don’t mean menstrual products. I hate calling menstrual products feminine hygiene. They’re menstrual products!

Julia Belluz

Are you going to send the book to Gwyneth Paltrow?

Jen Gunter

No, no, I wouldn’t.

Julia Belluz

I think she needs it.

Jen Gunter

Of course she does. But it wouldn’t sit with her desire to profit off telling people that they need liver detoxes and [jade eggs for the vagina].

Julia Belluz

There’s also so much talk of natural birth control methods, IUDs, and other moves away from the Pill. What do you see shifting in the way people take control of their sexual health?

Jen Gunter

I see a lot of conversations here, and unfortunately, many are based on misinformation and fear. I am firmly for reproductive choices, but scaring people about contraception is gaining traction, and fear is not part of informed consent. So we are seeing the radical right and radical left (nature-knows-best types) joining forces. I think people should have solid facts so they can weigh their personal risk-benefit ratio and go from there. I think it is very important for people to consider what will happen if they have a method failure — how important is it to not be pregnant? Do they have access to full reproductive health if they have an unplanned pregnancy? How will they feel if they have an unintended pregnancy?

Julia Belluz

You got the HPV vaccine recently, according to Twitter. This may have been surprising to some because you are in your early 50s, and in the past, the recommendation has been that the HPV vaccine is only for girls and women up to the age of 26. But there’s this new broadening of the age range for people who should get the shots. Can you explain?

Jen Gunter

Gardasil 9, which is the one that protects against nine strains of HPV — seven high-risk and the two that cause genital warts — is now approved from ages 9 to 45. If you’re going to vaccinate people, you want to catch the people that you’re more likely to help. The younger you are, the less likely you are to have had HPV. The younger you can get people, the more likely you can protect them from all nine strains. As we age and have sexual partners, we’re more likely to be exposed to different strains of HPV. But the chance that you’re going to be exposed to all of them is low.

So I figured that since I’m dating again, and I personally have never had a positive HPV test, and I have no history of having had an abnormal Pap smear or HPV, I thought, well, I’m in a pretty good category then. The chance that I’ve had all nine strains of HPV is probably low. So I just thought, why not get the shot to protect myself from any of the additional strains?

Julia Belluz

Are there other things that you wish more women did to keep their vaginas happy and healthy — and their vulvas and vestibules too?

Jen Gunter

Well, I wish HPV shots for all my friends. I wish that nobody smoked. That’s a very bad thing. People think about lung cancer and smoking. People don’t think about cardiovascular disease from smoking. It’s also very deleterious for the good bacteria in your vagina. And people who smoke have a higher risk of having HPV-related diseases like cervical cancer, so it’s a co-factor in HPV becoming more aggressive. Not smoking, that would be a wonderful thing.

Condoms. You know, there is a little bit of a drop in condom use, and that is probably due to the increasing use of the IUD. That doesn’t mean that people are having risky sex — they’re actually not. But if you’re switching from a method of barrier protection to a method of non-barrier protection, then you’ll have an increased risk of exposure.

Julia Belluz

Great advice.

Jen Gunter

I wish everybody could talk about the genital tract in the same way we talk about the elbow or the foot. It’s just a body part.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Can’t Climax?

This Might Be Why

By Samantha Vincenty

Ever needed to sneeze—nose tickling, whole body clenched, staring up at a light in hopes that a big “ACHOO!” will free you—only for the sneeze to somehow stall out, leaving you shaking clenched fists as you accept that the release just ain’t happening? Not being able to have an orgasm after a big build-up often feels like that…times a million.

Inability to orgasm is frustrating for someone trying to achieve sexual release through sex or masturbation. Chronic problems reaching climax can also sap the joy from a couple’s sex life when disappointment spoils what’s meant to be a playful encounter: Eventually, you’re worrying about whether “it” will happen before your clothes even hit the floor. Or worse, sex becomes a fraught activity and you avoid it altogether.

If you’ve experienced trouble reaching orgasm, you’re far from alone, and it happens to both women and men. Here are some expert tips on getting there if you can’t orgasm, but would very much like to.

Anorgasmia is the persistent inability to achieve orgasm.

Not a failure to achieve orgasm, mind you—in fact, let’s ban the word “failure” in this arena from here on out (we’ll touch on why later). The word “inability” is a tricky one too, says Anna Kaye, a counselor and certified sex therapist who works with adults struggling with relationship and sexuality issues.

“The fact that one doesn’t have an orgasm sometimes, most of the time, or even ever, doesn’t necessarily mean that they are UNABLE to have one,” Kaye explains. “It means that in that circumstance, with that partner, with that moment’s mindset, one doesn’t.”

In other words, even if you’ve been affected by anorgasmia for most of your life, you’ve got plenty of reasons to hope that can change.

According to the Mayo Clinic, there are four types of anorgasmia: Lifelong anorgasmia (have never had an orgasm), acquired anorgasmia (you’ve had orgasms before, but now they elude you), situational anorgasmia (you can only come a certain way, such as through masturbation), generalized anorgasmia (you can’t climax, period). Understanding which type describes your situation can light the path to treatment.

Visit a doctor to rule out medical issues.

“Certain medical conditions, like diabetes or multiple sclerosis, can interfere with orgasm,” says Joshua Gonzalez, an L.A.-based doctor trained in sexual medicine. Gonzalez and Kaye both note that certain medications, particularly SSRI-class antidepressants, can wallop your sex drive as well.

Those are far from the only biological factors that may be at play, which is why voicing your concerns to a qualified doctor can help. “Additional reasons include hormonal issues, pelvic trauma or surgery, spinal cord injury, and cardiovascular disease,” Dr. Gonzalez says.

If the difficulty only occurs with a certain sex partner, that may be a red flag.

If you’ve previously been able to climax but can’t make it happen with someone you’re definitely attracted to, your instincts may be telling you something.

“Women may have trouble achieving an orgasm if they are trying to make it happen with a person whom their gut doesn’t feel good about,” Kaye says. “In other words, the relationship isn’t right, or the person isn’t right for them.”

Kaye points out that communication problems can be at play, so before you kick them out of bed for good, voice your concerns.

Past negative associations with sex are worth exploring with a therapist.

Dark thoughts about your sexual self may not be at the forefront of your mind in bed, but it’s possible they’re roiling under the surface. “Sociocultural beliefs about sex, underlying anxiety and depression, and prior emotional, physical, or sexual abuse can also negatively affect orgasm,” Gonzalez says.

If you haven’t, consider unpacking your experience with a trusted mental health professional. “Past unprocessed sexual trauma can lead to the body holding back, feeling unsafe, and therefore not allowing the person to surrender to an orgasm,” Kaye adds.

Pressure is an orgasm-killer.

You might try shelving the expectations for an orgasm altogether, so worry doesn’t snuff out your libido and chase hopes of climax further away.

“Don’t work hard or get frustrated trying to make an orgasm happen, because in that situation it won’t,” says Kaye. “Instead, focus on intimate caressing, stroking, and playfulness with your partner. An orgasm may just be a wonderful side effect of the intimacy that blows your socks off (if they were still on).”

Heterosexual women, and their partners, can try getting to know the clitoris better.

According to Indiana University’s National Survey of Sex and Behavior, “About 85% of men report that their partner had an orgasm at the most recent sexual event; this compares to the 64% of women who report having had an orgasm at their most recent sexual event.” Those numbers suggest men think their getting their female partner off more than they actually are.

Therapist Ian Kerner, author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman, jokes that this is because men tend to be “ill-cliterate,” and clitoral stimulation is a major (for some, even necessary) part of achieving orgasm for women.

“The clitoris is the powerhouse of the female orgasm and responds to persistent stimulation of the vulva, rather than penetration of the vagina,” says Kerner, who calls the external part of the clitoris “the visible tip of the orgasm iceberg.” A significant number of women need clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm—as opposed to penetration—so penis-in-vagina intercourse may not take you over the edge.

Unsure where your clitoris is? Check out Planned Parenthood’s handy female sexual anatomy explainer. And speaking of getting hand-y…

Masturbation is the best way to learn what you need.

We can extol the many benefits of self love (and we have); it’s truly the best trial-and-error practice around when it comes to coming.

“It’s important for women to be able to masturbate and give themselves an orgasm, so they can create the ‘neural wiring’ for orgasms to happen,” says Kerner. If you find that your hand doesn’t get the job done, you can pick up one of these excellent vibrators for beginners</a

For men, though, Kerner cautions that masturbation can occasionally hinder a man’s ability to orgasm with a partner “due to a combination of pressure and friction that’s difficult to replicate during sex.” He recommends either taking a break, or trying your non-dominant hand instead.

You may not be getting enough foreplay.

If an orgasm is a flame, foreplay is the gasoline. Foreplay is a catchall term for any pre-sex play that heightens excitement: Deep kissing, footsie, nipple stimulation, a striptease, dirty talk—the list is honestly endless, so long as it turns you on.

Foreplay makes partners more present in the moment, can foster a sense of safety through doting attention, and, as Kerner points out, turns up the heat: “A lack of adequate foreplay or percolation of arousal is also often at the root of a woman’s lack of orgasm during partnered sex.”

Is stress chasing your orgasms away?

“In my clinical experience men are able to get interested in sex even when external stressors are high with chores, deadlines, and fatigue,” Kerner says. “Conversely, many women complain that during sex it’s very hard for them to get out of their heads and into a state of arousal.”

Learning how to relax and let go is easier said than done, but Kerner suggests couples work together to reduce external stressors outside the bedroom, and then create a soothing environment that sets the stage for intimacy. Light candles, bust out your softest sheets and try exchanging massages with your partner.

Dream up a hot fantasy (especially during solo sessions).

Getting lost in a sexual fantasy is another way to put life’s stress and distraction out of mind and achieve the big O. Kerner advises clients not to feel guilty or less present when they’re imagining a hot scenario—”it’s really okay to fantasize during sex”—and suggests strengthening that fantasizing-muscle while masturbating.

Take your sweet time.

Play, experimentation, and patience are essential in discovering (or rediscovering) how you orgasm, so there’s no need to cut solo or partnered sex short because they’ve finished and you don’t think it’s going to happen for you.

Try staying in the moment for five, ten, fifteen minutes more to see what happens, and go heavy on the affection. And remember that intensity varies by person, so if you don’t experience the kind of leg-shaking, eye-rolling Os you see in movies, that’s not a failure on your part (there’s that word again

As Kaye says, “The success and satisfaction of lovemaking doesn’t come from how fast one reaches an orgasm, but how much one enjoys it.”

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