— We spoke with people who have given up drugs and alcohol about the clarity, awkwardness, and pleasure of sex after getting clean.
There is no universal experience of sobriety, but when GQ spoke with a range of people who have given up drugs and alcohol, there was unanimous consensus that it changed their relationship to sex. “Pretty much everything changed when I got sober, and sex was no different,” said Andrew, a 38-year-old from Columbus, OH, who has been sober for over two years (and who, like others in this story, asked to only be identified by his first name). Everyone we spoke with about sex post-sobriety, expressed this idea in one way or another. They all also talked about how intimacy generally improved after getting sober—but also emphasized how difficult it was to adjust to having sex without drugs or alcohol.
Across the board, they agreed that, despite the difficulty, sex was better in many ways—that it was one of the many improvements to their lives that made sobriety worth it.
One woman, Liz, 43, from Des Moines, IA, who has been sober for over a year, described “the amount of pleasure that I have experienced! I didn’t know my body was capable of this,” she said. Rob, 32, from Bethesda, MD, who has been sober for 8 years, agreed: “There are no aspects of my life post-sobriety—including, and in some ways especially, romantically and sexually—that are not markedly better.”
Every person we spoke with mentioned sober sex feeling like it was an entirely new skill they had to learn.
“Before I got clean, sex had a clear purpose: It filled a void. Like the drugs. And like the drugs I sort of chased it, but once I got clean, I didn’t know really where to ‘put’ sex. You know, and that’s sort of been my growth with sex.”—Keith, 41, Columbus, OH. Nine years sober.
“In a way, it kind of felt like losing my virginity again. Everything about getting sober is hard at first. It is relearning how to live life from the ground up, and that applies to sex the same way it applies to being in a relationship, whether it’s romantic or platonic. Just being in the world is unfamiliar in most ways, and that can be scary at first; it can be intimidating at first. It can often not go that well at first. But, if you are honest and patient and willing to put in the work, for me personally, it has always been worth it. And it has always been better.” —Rob
“I’m not the same person that I was a year ago. I’m not just sober, I’m working a recovery program. So I have substantially changed over the course of the past year. I don’t like the same thing sexually that I used to like. I don’t want the same things that I used to want. All of this is very foreign and confusing for my partner.” —Liz
“Now when people aren’t performing, I communicate with them, like ‘Hey, this isn’t really working.’ Some people still don’t get it. But when I was not sober, I was like, ‘It’s fine, they’ll figure it out. I’m having a great time.’” —Maria, 35, Toronto, ON. Five years sober.
The word that came up the most often was probably “present.” Each person spoke about feeling like they were much more fully aware during sex, but they also mentioned the occasional downsides of that.
“I think the biggest thing for me is that I’m more present. Present in the situation, just more aware than I ever was before. When you’re drinking, especially like I was where it was every night, you’re kind of a shell of a person. And that includes even when you’re having sex. You’re not there. When you’re sober, you’re present. You’re there. You’re more aware, more receptive, more in tune with everything.” —Andrew