Category: Role-playing

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Curious about kink?

— Here are some low-key ideas for sexual play

Don’t be afraid to explore

By Mia Erickson

Not sure where to start when it comes to spicing things up in the bedroom? Don’t be discouraged. Here’s how one viral TikTok expert suggests approaching sexual play, breaking down kink for beginners.

Kinks, fetishes and wild sexual fantasies are more often than not surrounded by a haze of misinformation, shame and secrecy. However, according to one historical author, sexual play has long been a crucial part of society.

Sharing her fascinating research with the world, author Esmé Louise James has become a TikTok sensation, boasting over 2.4 million followers, and earning a spot on the platform’s top one per cent of creators. Unmasking the fantasies and bedroom proclivities of some of history’s most prominent figures, James’ content continues to captivate her constantly growing audience.

Joining Felicity Harley, host of the Healthy-ish podcast, James breaks the fascinating world of kink, from its historical roots to today’s contemporary interpretations. Unpacking the importance of sexual exploration, the pair break down some of the stigma still attached, discussing some simple yet effective kink practices for beginners.

The history of kink

You don’t need a PhD to recognise just how XX our interpretation of all things sex has been throughout history. With every new era and cultural transformation, we seem to backtrack and reject the attitudes of late, either wholeheartedly embracing our sexuality as a society, or dismissing its relevance completely.

“Kink is generally defined as any sexual behaviour that sits outside of normal, and our definition of that can change over time,” explains James. “I guess we would define it now as anything outside of vanilla sex.”

Fluid and ever-changing, our sexual preferences and habits can’t be so easily labelled, meaning defining kink depends entirely on the context. According to the history buff, kink practices things that we would find very shocking today have existed for as long as we’ve had a human history.

“One of my favourite ones is that in the 17th century, flagellation and strangulation became so popular in England that they actually had to put laws in place because people were becoming harmed at brothels and in houses by spanking,” explains the author. “It became known as the ‘English vice’, and this was spread across Europe.”

The biggest misconceptions surrounding common sexual practices

Reflecting on the vast and ever-changing sexual landscape throughout history, James urges people to consider how their own contexts and personal histories may have influenced their comprehension of kink practices. She says in order to truly embrace and understand kink practices, one must steer the conversation away from intercourse, instead exploring the idea of pleasure and experience.

“One thing we often look over is the importance of imagination in sexual experience as well, especially for women,” the author explains. “And my God, the amount of times that we’re in the bedroom and our head is thinking about a million different other things, ‘what are we going to cook for dinner?’ ‘Have we done the laundry?’, all of these kinds of things that we’re running a million miles an hour.”

“So being able to engage the imagination in the bedroom I think is one of the easiest but most overlooked aspects of intimate experiences with someone,” she adds.

How to bring kink into the bedroom

If you’re curious about exploring the world of kink or feel like adding a bit of spice to your usual bedroom antics could pay off for you and your partner, James says it’s important not to overcomplicate matters. She suggests starting with safe, simple sensory exploration, explaining that closing down on sense, such as wearing a blindfold, can heighten and stimulate your body’s other responses.

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“Just one of you putting on a blindfold and experimenting with feeling things like feathers or silk or other things on your body, that is technically a kink because it deviates from vanilla sex,” says James. “It’s something that I think is a nice, easy access point for people to start experimenting with different sensual behaviours in the bedroom.”

But if feathers and blindfolds don’t quite scratch the itch for you, the TikTok-famous historian says it might be worth turning to the past for some inspiration.

“I always say to people, you know, if you’re looking to spice things up, what’s the best thing to do? Go and read some pornography from the 1800s,” says James. “Honestly, read about what people were doing and practising back hundreds of years ago, and weirdly enough, I think it normalises experimentations for us now.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Pup Play

— Kink communities can help people build connections and improve their body image


Pup play has its roots within kink communities and gay BDSM and leather subculture.

By and

In recent years, the world of kink lifestyles and subcultures has gained increasing attention. Kink is a general term that includes various expressions of unconventional or non-traditional sexual desires. This encompasses a wide array of practices, including power dynamics, intense sensations/stimuli, role-playing and more.

One such form of role-play that is often misunderstood is known as pup play. Pups are consenting adults who roleplay by dressing and acting as young canines, or pups.

We are researchers within nutrition and health research with a focus on diverse gender and sexualities. In this project called Puppy Philms, we seek to more deeply understand how meanings ascribed to bodies are socially constructed for gay, bisexual, transgender and queer men within the pup community.

For this project, we used a method called cellphilming. The term cellphilm was coined to describe films made with cell phones. We worked with pups who created cellphilms to learn more about their community, particularly how being a pup might help people navigate body-image concerns.

We recruited 17 self-identifying gay, bisexual, transgender and queer men who are pups across Canada. They attended three workshops and each of them created a cellphilm in which they talked about being a pup and how their body image is shaped in the pup community.

What is pup play?

Two men in pup hoods and gear.
Pups are consenting adults who roleplay by dressing and acting as young canines, or pups.

Pup play has its roots within kink communities and gay BDSM and leather subculture. Alongside the sexual component, pup play is viewed by many to be a social activity.

Studies have demonstrated many reasons why people might participate in kink and BDSM activities. For example, personal development, self-expression, overcoming anxiety, relaxation, and to be more socially comfortable. Kink play may also improve interpersonal relationships.

The pup community fosters connections and gathers at various pup events. These include pup competitions where a designated “play space” allows them to cuddle each other, wag their tails and bark.

Pups often wear pup gear like collars and pup masks or hoods. Some individuals within pup communities take on the role of pup “handlers,” which means they assume a more dominant role within pup play.

Cellphilming

Cellphilming is an art-based research method and serves as a tool for advocacy that researchers seeking to disrupt traditional roles within research can use. It enables participants to exercise their creativity and take control and ownership of their narratives, facilitating the expression of ideas that can be more challenging to convey through traditional interviews.

Research becomes an artistic and reflective process. The resulting cellphilms are pieces of art that can create a sense of solidarity among communities while changing social values about gender, sexual orientation and bodies.

The Puppy Philms Project

Man wearing pup hood and leather harness.
Gay subcultures often celebrate bodies that are more diverse and challenge dominant ideas about masculinity.

Our previous work noted that many gay men navigate body-image tensions by identifying within gay subcultures that celebrate bodies that are more diverse than the dominant thin and muscular body standards. We also found that challenging and disrupting dominant ideas about masculinity can be helpful for some men dealing with body-image concerns.

Yet no studies have looked at the relationships between body image and pup communities. With Puppy Philms, we sought to gain a deeper insights into this relationship through cellphilming.

Body image and pup play

Three findings about pup play and body image emerged from our research. First, participants discussed how the pup community can reinforce body standards for men. As one participant said, “the body expectations for pup communities are not really different from the body expectations from the cis gay man culture.”

However, many participants also felt pup communities were spaces where dominant ideas about men’s body standards and masculinity were changed, lessened or lacking altogether. As another participant noted, “body image doesn’t really matter in the pup community, and that’s sort of the point. Just be a puppy.”

One man on all fours in pup hood and gear.
Kink communities can often help people with personal development, self-expression and overcoming anxieties.

The pup headspace – a state of mindfulness relaxation — has also been associated with therapeutic benefits. Participants reflected on how the process of becoming a pup helped them change their feelings about their bodies and overcome body image concerns.

One participant noted, “…while I’ve got the [pup] mask on and I’m at the events, I don’t tend to think about it. But soon as the mask comes off then I start to think about my body-image issues again.”

Our study sheds light on the positive aspects of the pup community as a social and accepting space, where identifying as a pup represents a sign of resilience and defiance against social norms.

Unleashing queer activism

Participants felt inspired to create their cellphilms and saw them as powerful tools for activism. They aimed to inform the public about pup play and break the stigma surrounding it.

This drive for activism took various forms; some participants submitted their cellphilms to film festivals, and others travelled to the United States and Europe to showcase their cellphilms and share their experiences. In collaboration with the participants, we organized community screening events (one in Montreal and an upcoming one in Toronto), furthering the reach of their narratives.

Participants saw the potential to use their cellphilms for a greater purpose than just this research. As one participant said, “just this possibility of spreading out what we were talking about really stimulates me a lot.”

Artistic activists remind us that “we can ‘queer’ mass culture by making it say things it was never designed to say, and act in ways it was never meant to act.” Perhaps the participants’ cellphilms can help make our culture more open to diverse bodies, genders and sexualities.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Want To Spice Up Your Sex Life?

— Here’s How

By Krati Mehra

Long-term relationships are a beautiful part of our lives, but with the reliability and trust that comes with such intimacy, so too comes predictability. Like any aspect of a relationship, the sexual side of our relationships change with time, and what was once hot and heavy can be reduced almost to a habit or another chore to tick off the list.

As much as we need the security of steady love, we also like to feel attractive—like we’re still alluring enough to excite our partner, even after many years of companionship. More importantly, a healthy and fulfilling sex life is integral to the emotional and physical bonding between partners.

When the sexual aspect of a romantic relationship hits a slump, spicing things up in (or outside) the bedroom can help rekindle that old flame.

Why it’s important to prioritize a fulfilling sex life

Prioritizing a fulfilling sex life is not simply about caring for different relationship aspects; Satisfying sex establishes a synchronicity between two individuals. It guards the shared trust and understanding, ensuring the longevity and resilience of the romantic bond.

Results of a study1 published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin indicate that the shared moments of passion, even ones limited to cuddling, kissing, and caressing, create deep feelings of love and affection.

“A healthy and fulfilling sex life helps create a deep emotional connection, nurtures intimacy, and builds a unique bond that is both private and profound,” explains psychology expert and life coach Bayu Prihandito, adding, “Couples who maintain a satisfying sexual relationship exhibit better communication, reduced stress, and a heightened sense of overall well-being.”

Research2 also shows that healthy sexual relationshipd create a safe emotional boundary for sharing desires, preferences, and concerns, leading to open and honest communication—another pillar critical for healthy relationships.

“Pleasure and orgasms release oxytocin, the ‘love’ hormone, which not only bonds us to our partner but also reduces stress,” notes sex and relationship therapist, Leigh Norén. This biochemical process creates a positive feedback loop, enhancing trust in the relationship.

A satisfying sex life can also create a fertile ground for healthy conflict resolution, cementing and safeguarding the shared understanding and trust between the two people.

And, as confirmed by several studies 3, a satisfying sex life also enhances the health and wellbeing of both people. “Regular sexual activity can positively affect physical health, from improved heart health to reduced pain sensitivity,” psychiatrist and professor Ryan Sultan M.D. tells mindbodygreen.

How to tell it’s time to spice things up

Despite the impact that gratifying sex has on both individual wellbeing and the health of a romantic relationship, sometimes even the most loving relationships can fall into a sexual rut.

“It’s when sex becomes a routine rather than an exploration, a task rather than a joy,” remarks Prihandito. And this can happen for a number of reasons—lack of privacy, work or life stress, health issues, or a temporary shift in priorities—but a sexual rut can become an indicator of more significant problems when there is an underlying emotional disconnect or unaddressed conflict between partners.

“Sexual issues become red flags when accompanied by emotional withdrawal, lack of communication, or unresolved conflicts. Sex is often a mirror of the health of the relationship. If the reflection reveals disconnection or discontent, it’s a clear sign of deeper underlying issues that need your attention,” says Prihandito.

According to licensed marriage and family therapist, Veronica Cisneros LMFT, if a couple has always struggled with physical intimacy, or if there are resentment and unresolved conflicts negatively impacting the emotional connection, the bedroom problems may be symptoms of a more significant issue.

“A good way to determine this is if one or both partners are guilty of using criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling in times of conflict. These are what the Gottman’s call the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and they’re Gottman’s predictors of divorce,” she adds.

However, if the relationship is generally healthy, with both partners feeling emotionally connected, it may simply be time to revitalize their intimate moments.

Signs of a sexual rut

A sexual rut happens in most long-term relationships where comfort and familiarity can dull the sexual spark. Signs that it may be time to spice things up:

  • Complete absence of any and all sexual exchange between the partners
  • An increasing disinterest in sexual intimacy from both parties and lengthening intervals between sexual encounters
  • Post-sex, there is a sense of dissatisfaction, whether sexual, emotional, or physical
  • There is a lack of spontaneity. Like any other regularly scheduled chore, it happens on the same day of the week, at the same time, and in the same place, most probably the bedroom
  • Even as you get intimate, there is an emotional distance with little to no eye contact, shared laughter, tender attentiveness, and no lingering post-coital
  • The intimate experiences lack novelty. It’s the same position every time. The progression and pace are uninspired, leading to an encounter that feels almost scripted
  • You’re not fully present during intimacy, with your thoughts straying towards daily chores or future plans
  • You are having erotic fantasies about someone other than your partner
  • A decline in relationship satisfaction accompanied by a noticeable emotional distance
  • Sex happens not out of an active desire, but as an obligation or to keep up the facade of normalcy
  • Frequent reminiscing over past sexual encounters and longing to repeat the experience
  • No open, exciting discussions around sexual desires, fantasies, and needs
  • You feel unattractive and wonder if your partner is still invested in the relationship

How to spice up your sex life

Let’s dive into some creative solutions to spicing up your sex life. To some extent, each method requires stepping away from your comfort zone. However, the strategies are also respectful and suitable for a loving relationship.

1. Open and honest sexual communication

A 2019 study4 from The Journal of Sex Research shares that communication about sexual matters is vital to cultivating and maintaining a healthy sexual dynamic. Often, sexual issues happen because the couple is reluctant to openly express their sexual needs.

Sexual communication involves sharing sexual preferences and boundaries, desired sexual activities, and past sexual experiences. When partners are convinced they can safely talk about sex and related experiences, good or bad, with each other, it positively impacts sexual and relationship satisfaction.

“Make time to talk openly and honestly about your sexual desires, needs, and fantasies. Pay attention to any insecurities or fears you have about communicating. This open dialogue is crucial for understanding what you and your partner need to feel fulfilled in the bedroom,” Cisneros advises.

And as sex and relationship coach, and professor of sexual and relational communication Tara Suwinyattichaiporn Ph.D., notes, sexual communication can also help when age begins to interfere with performance. “Talking openly about desires and when they change can create a better understanding of each other’s sexuality,” she says.

2. Explore different positions

“Just like you add various spices to keep your meals exciting, you need to do the same for your sex life,” says Cisneros. Forget about missionary, experiment with different sexual positions—it will break the monotony and help you escape the sexual rut.

Certain positions can allow for deeper penetration, clitoral and prostate stimulation, and G-spot engagement, leading to heightened pleasure during sex. The more challenging positions will allow you to explore your partner’s body as if for the first time. This heightened physical awareness may also lead to renewed feelings of closeness and intimacy.

As you plan new positions to try, the vibe between you will shift. It will have an element of anticipation, excitement, and playfulness. It will go from routine to thrilling

3. Dive into the world of BDSM

To really shake things up and add new, intriguing layers to your relationship, try BDSM. Contrary to popular belief, research shows that those who enjoy BDSM are socially well-adjusted. BDSM also has a positive impact on relationship satisfaction.

It is an exciting way for partners to explore their limits and boundaries, venture into new sensual territories, and experience a level of physical and psychological stimulation that’s very different from what you get from traditional sexual activities.

Due to its nature, to indulge in BDSM, couples have to trust each other and communicate actively. There is an intentional vulnerability to BDSM, deepening the emotional connection between the partners. As you explore new fantasies, scenarios, and avenues of sexual expression, the romantic bond between the two people comes alive with excitement and a pulsing anticipation that can completely reinvigorate the relationship.

4. Try a new location

You can switch things up by having sex in a location other than the bedroom. For your next intimate encounter, consider booking a hotel room. You could also have sex in your car or in different places in your house.

For an added thrill, you can try sex in a public place. As long as you’re safe and not at any risk of getting arrested, the element of danger can make things very exciting.

5. Restart your relationship

Act as if you are once again courting your partner. Rekindle the sexual spark by returning to a time in your relationship when each day was about some new, exciting discovery. There was flirting, teasing, and the thrill of anticipation.

“At the beginning of a relationship, we passionately and intensely pursue our partners to attract them,” couples therapist Kimberlin Shepard, LMSW tells mindbodygreen. “If you once wore lingerie all the time, dig it back out! Plan date nights. Get all dolled up, go out to drinks, dinner, or a movie, and then come home and have steamy, hot sex,” she adds.

Engage in playful banter and give lavish compliments. Remind your partner that to you, there is no one more attractive. Rebuild comfort by showing physical affection and indulging in non-sexual touch.

6. Watch erotic movies together

“Taking inspiration from pornography or erotica can be a great way to spice things up,” says Norén. As you sit through an erotic movie, you will feel yourselves getting aroused, and as the film progresses, the sexual tension will escalate. When you turn off the TV, the tension will be released in an explosive, passionate, and fiery union.

7. Use sex toys

Studies indicate that using vibrators can enhance sexual satisfaction for both partners. For men, vibrators can also boost sexual performance, while for women, they make it easier to orgasm.

There are a variety of other sex toys available on the market that can enhance sexual experiences. The toys can be part of BDSM practices or role-playing scenarios. Apart from fun and excitement, planning the use of sex toys also leads to more focused sexual communication.

8.Try a sensual massage

Sensual massage can be a powerful tool to reconnect with your partner physically and, once again, explore their body with intent and focus. The stroking touch not only soothes but also stimulates.

Soft music in the background, sweet-smelling incense, dim lighting, and no interruptions can combine to create a sanctuary free from all stress and distraction, and suddenly, your world narrows to your partner and the pleasure you can share. As you massage your partner, it reminds you of how much you’ve always enjoyed caring for them, and you will be mentally relieving fond memories.

9. Play sex-related games

Bring fun back to your relationship through games focused on sex.

As you try to reestablish your sexual connection, begin with moments of friendship and shared laughter. It will remove all the stress and maybe even inhibitions if you’re playing strip poker or sexual truth and dare. You can also try couple’s cards, board, and dice games easily available on the market.

“Create small challenges or dares for each other to make it exciting. Ask your partner to identify things you are currently doing that drive them crazy in the bedroom. Ask them what feels good and what they want more of,” Cisneros advises.

10. Wear lingerie

A visual and tactical stimulant, lingerie can reignite passion in a relationship. It creates anticipation as it teases and tantalizes your partner.

Wearing lingerie can make you feel confident and alluring, making it easier to be bold and not only ask for what you want sexually but also deliver on your partner’s expectations. It is more than just a piece of clothing; It’s symbolic of your commitment to making things better and an invitation to a deeper sexual connection.

11. Practice spiritual sex

A way to completely step away from your usual practice is by combining sex with spirituality. It will enhance emotional and sexual closeness and elevate your connection to something sacred that demands respect and careful nourishment.

You can practice spiritual sex by cleansing the sexual environment. Begin by removing all clutter so energy flows freely, light incense to create positivity, use light colors for the bedding and, if possible, also for the walls and the decor. Let the natural elements, like sunlight and fresh air, enter the space.

Initiate intimacy by anointing each other’s bodies with oil. Make sacred vows and renew your commitment to each other. Indulge in mindful lovemaking with steady eye contact. Move at a slow, gentle pace. Touch each other with reverence. Together, these steps will add more emotional depth to the sexual exchange, forging an emotional bond that goes beyond the physical act of love.

12. Merge creativity and adventure with sex

Infuse elements of spontaneity, adventure, and novelty in your sexual moments.

Engaging in activities that raise adrenaline levels, like bungee jumping, roller coaster rides, or even workout challenges, can mimic the physiological arousal of sexual excitement, and when you experience them together, they increase the sexual attraction between a couple. Sex that follows such events is usually more heated and exciting.

Similarly, you can break the mold of predictability and routine through creative activities like sex paintings and by drawing temporary tattoos on each other’s bodies.

13. Try the sexual thrill of role-play

We all have characters we love and wish to emulate, which can be the key to adding some adventure and excitement to your sex life. As part of role play, we can assume a persona that either excites us or our partner, create exciting scenarios, and meet up with our significant other as if for the first time. When you shed your actual identity, you also leave behind your inhibitions and the stress that is so much a part of your daily life. Pretending to be someone else creates a sense of safety, allowing you to enact fantasies you’ve never shared with your partner.

This form of imaginative engagement helps partners see each other in a new light, discovering aspects of one another’s character that adds new dimensions to their sexual attraction. The thrill of being someone else adds to the sexual tension, making intimacy more charged and exhilarating.

14. Experiment with temperature play

Temperature play is an erotic practice that uses heat or cold to stimulate the body. It is a form of sensory play that introduces a variety of new physical sensations to sex. You can use heated oils, ice cubes, and massage candles. Specially designed toys are also available; these toys can be chilled or heated.

Switching from cold to hot can surprise the partner and stimulate nerves, increasing sensitivity. Such sexual play requires mutual trust, communication, and an open mind. These create a sense of shared adventure and exploration by leading the couple away from their comfort zones.

15. Combine food and sex

As part of foreplay, enhance the sensory experience by using edible items. Your items’ different tastes, textures, and aromas can stimulate the senses and add a layer of excitement and freshness to a sexual experience.

During the act, you can feed each other and experiment with temperature using chilled fruits or warm chocolate. You can also use edible underwear or paint. Such erotic practices encourage partners to be fully present as they engage with their partners and create some exciting new memories.

16. Create a sexual wish list

Create a list of sexual things, fantasies, kinks and experiences you want to explore. It can be anything from trying a new position, location, or toy to something more adventurous like role-playing, temperature play, or joining a nude retreat. The act of discussing and creating the list can be pretty arousing. It will improve communication and shift each partner’s perception of their relationship and each other. It will also introduce new and exciting possibilities for their future together.

On a more practical level, a sexual bucket list can serve as a roadmap that will create momentum and keep you going on this journey to a better sex life.

17. Try sensory deprivation

In sensory deprivation sex, by restricting one or more senses, you amplify the pleasure received from the senses that remain active. For instance, if you blindfold your partner and deprive them of visual stimulation, they’ll fully tune into their environment and what they can feel happening to and around their body. Every touch will be unexpected, heightening the thrill and anticipation. They will feel each whisper, kiss, lick, and stroke more intensely. While they’re blindfolded, you can also use objects like oils, feathers, or toys like vibrators to stimulate your partner. It will keep them on tenterhooks, trying to guess what will follow.

“It’s a journey of rediscovery, where vulnerability meets creativity, and intimacy is reimagined,” says Prihandito.

Through sensory deprivation, you can ensure your partner’s attention remains centered on you. Use tools like blindfolds, headphones, and restraints to limit your partner’s sight, sound, or movement, adding excitement to the encounter and fostering a deeper trust between partners.

18. Indulge in extended foreplay

Foreplay involves exploring your partner, expressing your desire for them, and building sexual tension, all adding more nuance to intimate moments. It is all about affectionate exchanges, sharing desires and fantasies, making out, and going only so far and no more. It prepares the body and mind and sets an emotional stage for a deeper sexual connection. This lazy exploration helps in understanding what excites and pleases each partner.

“Remember, not all forms of physical intimacy lead to sex, but they can create an atmosphere of sensuality. Cuddle, hold hands and exchange massages. This physical closeness can create a natural segue into sexual intimacy,” Cisneros tells mindbodygreen.

Extended foreplay can go on for days, whipping the partners into a sexual frenzy. It can include sexting, teasing with seductive lingerie, ‘accidental’ touches that are anything but, raunchy messages, and dirty talk. The couple can also indulge in erotic games. This prolonged phase of intimate interaction makes partners more receptive and responsive during the act. It allows you to savor each moment and revel in the undercurrent of attraction and arousal.

19. Establish a deeper emotional connection

“Strengthening emotional intimacy can enhance the connection in the bedroom,” says Sultan.

Repair your sexual relationship by rekindling your emotional bond. Make yourself vulnerable. Allow your partner to see into your heart by openly and honestly sharing your feelings, hopes, and dreams for their future as a couple. Invite them to speak their mind and share their feelings. Listen attentively and with curiosity. Ask open-ended questions to draw them out.

Show them appreciation for the love and laughter they have brought into your life. “Regularly expressing gratitude can create a positive emotional environment, which can be incredibly freeing sexually,” shares Cisneros.

You can even revisit your old haunts and recreate moments of emotional significance to your partner. Emotional closeness will allow for a more relaxed and intimate exploration of each other’s bodies and desires, leading to a more satisfying and adventurous sex life.

20. Work with a professional

If none of the strategies proves helpful or seems to not be to your taste or violate any of your boundaries, it is best to work with a sex therapist, counselor, or coach. It is especially helpful if your partner resists attempts to improve the relationship.

Besides providing tools, techniques, and guidance to repair your sexual connection, an experienced professional can help you identify if the sexual rut is pointing to a more profound relationship issue.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Can Kink Help You Let Go of Shame and Anxiety in the Bedroom?

— Folding in kink and BDSM play can help soothe anxious feelings and release shame.

By Jackie Lam

Key Points

  • Kink and BDSM may help alleviate anxiety, release shame and boost creativity.
  • Go slow. Learn the ropes of kink before you dive in.
  • It doesn’t have to look like “Fifty Shades of Grey.” There are other options, including safer ones that may be easier for beginners.

Common depictions of kink and BDSM, or bondage, discipline and sado-masochism, include latex, whips and flogging devices. These popularized notions of kink and BDSM culture are mainstream thanks to cultural phenomena such as “Fifty Shades of Grey.”

But kink has a much broader range of options—and it doesn’t have to involve a ball gag. Many women struggling with feelings of shame and anxiety experience challenges letting go in the bedroom. Here’s how kink could help.

How can kink help reduce anxiety?

In Norway, roughly 38 percent of people have experimented with a kinky activity during sex, suggested a 2021 study. Kink is more common than we may think, and it could have some unexpected potential health benefits.

Grounding techniques, meditation and spending time in nature can help you gain control of anxiety. There’s one avenue, though, that not everyone knows can help reduce anxiety—and it starts in the bedroom.

BDSM sex may help, as kink can potentially generate flow and transient hypofrontality, or the need for the brain to think, suggested a 2022 study.

What are the different types of sexual shame?

Sexual shame is a particular form of shame characterized by feelings of humiliation or disgust around one’s own identity and sexuality, according to a 2017 study.

Feelings of shame are made up of three main parts:

  1. Relationship sexual shame. This has to do with interpersonal relationships and feelings involving others.
  2. Internalized shame. Feelings of humiliation, disgust or abnormality are sometimes expressed as bodily shame.
  3. Sexual inferiority. Feeling as if you’re not meeting your sexual expectations, often due to societal norms and cultural expectations, can result in shame.

What are the origins of sexual shame?

Where do shameful feelings about sex come from? The answer is complex and varies between people, but there are common sources.

Sexual shame can stem from several places and may be due to the following factors, said Maria “Two-Straps” Hintog, an EDSE sex educator based in Los Angeles:

  • Culture
  • Gender norms
  • Gender roles
  • Gender expectations
  • Social settings
  • Religion and the church

“A lot of the shame comes from our upbringing and our past experiences because, especially as kids, we’re absorbing gender norms and the cultural norms and what you’re not supposed to do,” Hintog said.

Those childhood experiences shape our future selves. These feelings can lead to anxiety for some people.

“So we’re told not to do something, but we don’t know why. We just absorb that information. And then, as we grew older, we’re like, ‘Why is this bad? Nobody told me why it’s bad. They just told me it is,'” Hintog said.

What is the difference in sexual shame between men and women?

Men scored far higher than women on suppressing their sexual desire, suggested a 2023 study. However, there wasn’t much difference between the two genders when it came to sexual desire or sexual shame.

There wasn’t a dramatic difference in cognitive reappraisal, which has to do with changing how a person thinks about a particular situation in the bedroom. Many of us grow up in homes that discourage talking about sex, power and consent, said Mistress Amanda Wildefyre, a professional dominatrix based in Minneapolis.

“Some of us have been taught that it’s wrong to want experiences that don’t match up with our gender or that only certain types of people can enjoy sex,” Wildefrye said.

How can kink help women express desires and set boundaries?

“Engaging in kink/BDSM is a multi-edged sword—in a good way,” Wildefyre said. “These alternative practices ask us to learn to communicate our desires, negotiate expectations and express enthusiastic consent with our partners. BDSM play also encourages us to recognize and reflect on our physical and emotional reactions during and after intimacy.” By following a safe and consensual framework, kink and BDSM can offer the built-in reward of satisfaction and affirmation of our unique desires, which may lead to a reduction of shame and anxiety over time, Wildefyre said.

“When you’re doing those things in that controlled environment, sometimes that’s enough to remind the person that it’s okay,” Hintog said. “‘I’m safe. I don’t have any further repercussions from this.'”

How can kink help you feel safe with the right partner?

A controlled environment, boundaries and aftercare can play into creating a safe space. These feelings of safety can help release bouts of anxiety and shame. “Kink/BDSM play offers a template for clear communication about likes and dislikes, compatibility and expectations,” Wildfyre said. “Safewords give us an explicit language to indicate when we need a pause or would like the action to stop.” Healing can occur during aftercare—the emotional, mental, spiritual and physical caretaking aspects after a sexual experience.

“When you’re with a partner you trust, that aftercare builds connection and intimacy,” Two-Straps said. “And it tells your brain, ‘We did this scary thing in a controlled environment, and now we’re safe.'”

How can kink help you relax and transform shame?

At its best, kink/BDSM offers a narrative-changing context for pleasure and approval for the parts of ourselves we have been made to feel ashamed of, Wildfyre said.

As a teenager, Wildfyre was teased relentlessly for being “too tall.” When she started playing with female dominance, her height became an asset. An athletic, cis-gendered masculine-expressing male, for example, might feel more comfortable indulging in being submissive, something for which they may have previously been ashamed.

BDSM activities indicated reductions in psychological stress and an increase in a mental state linked to heightened creativity, indicated a 2016 study.

Where can you go to learn more about kink and BDSM?

If you’re keen on exploring kink, Hintog suggested relying on reputable sources. Immerse yourself in BDSM 101. Find local meetup groups or sign up for workshops to build community with like-minded people.

See if there are reputable dungeons, or safe areas for BDSM, near you. When exploring kink with a partner, it’s important to negotiate boundaries and consent, explained Hintog. Kinky scenes can involve physical, psychological and emotional risk. “Education, making friends and building community are a great way to start,” Hintog said. “That way, you’re learning as much as you can.”

Let your kinky side emerge at a pace you’re comfortable with.

“If in a relationship, you can introduce a few new things at a time and explore together, which is very bonding and playful when done with a loving partner,” said Charlynn Ruan, Ph.D., a California-based clinical psychologist and founder of Thrive Psychology Group. “If single, there are workshops and events where you can go and observe before getting involved.”

The bottom line

If you’re new to kink and the BDSM world, have realistic expectations, Wildfyre said. Kink and BDSM play may have a unique array of potential benefits, from alleviating shame and anxiety to boosting creativity, but don’t rush the learning process.

“Even though you may have had kinky fantasies all your life, it will take some time and a bit of compromise to bring your explorations to the real world,” Wildfyre said.

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12 Sexual Role-Play Ideas to Try With Your Partner

— Time to get creative!

BY Veronica Lopez

Contrary to what you might have seen on TV or in movies, role-playing doesn’t always have to include sexy costumes or feel super kinky, if that’s not your vibe. Like with most things when it comes to sex, you’re able to customize it to your specific needs and the fantasies you want to explore. It’s meant to help you step out of your comfort zone, try something new, and explore different sexual dynamics with your partner—all really great things that can help you heat up your sex life when you’re eager for a change.

“Role-playing is when an individual plays a different person or character in a sexual situation, which can be everything from vanilla sex to a full-on kink/BDSM scene,” says certified sex educator Javay Frye-Nekrasova, MEd, sex expert for Lovehoney. So, sure, you can go all out and create a dungeon vibe, but you can also take it slow and keep it simple, like pretending you’re strangers who are hooking up for the first time. “Roleplaying can be as intricate or minimal as the individuals involved want,” says Frye-Nekrasova.

What Are Some of the Benefits of Roleplaying?

There are multiple benefits that role-playing can have, not just in your sex life, but in your relationship with your partner, and even in your relationship with yourself. But one of the biggest ones? It lets you step out of your usual routine, which can be especially helpful if you’ve been together for a long time and craving something new.

“Many couples don’t vary a lot from the kind of play (and roles within it) that have become normative for them—like gender roles, often, but also who initiates sex, whose preferences tend to get the most focus, how adventuresome or comfort-level-focused they are,” says staff sexologist for Good Vibrations, Carol Queen, PhD, curator of the Antique Vibrator Museum and author of Exhibitionism for the Shy. Role-play gives you the chance to do something different outside of your usual sex life, and who knows? You might like it enough to make it part of your regular routine. But that’s what makes it so beneficial—there’s no pressure to really have to, if you want to keep it separate. “Role-play gives you so much permission to try things on, and like a costume, you can take it off when you’re done,” says Queen.

It can also let you experience what it’s like to have sex with “someone else” if you’re curious about that, but you still want to be monogamous with your partner. “You can be someone else, but you don’t have to be with someone else,” says Frye-Nekrasova.

Beyond allowing you to explore new sides to your relationship and sexual dynamic, role-playing can also help you explore new sides to yourself. “It’s common for us to feel like we have to be a certain way or fit a certain aesthetic, role, or persona, but role-playing can give people the space to explore a side of them that they don’t think they have space for in other areas of their life,” says Frye-Nekrasova. This, says Queen, can be really eye-opening and life-changing. “It can introduce you to varying possibilities within your personality too, as when a fairly reserved person takes on a dominant role,” she says. “It can open doors when it comes to realizing what you want, or what you like about what you already have.”

What Are Some Roleplaying Safety Tips?

Define parameters and negotiate your scene before starting. Think of negotiation as the pre-scene huddle. It’s an opportunity for you and your partner to establish boundaries, talk about consent, what you are and aren’t comfortable with, and the details of what roles you want to play. “Do you want to be called a specific name the whole time? Are there any names or roles you aren’t comfortable with?” asks Frye-Nekrasova.

When it comes to negotiating, Queen says not to leave anything about your wants and needs up to guesswork, and to be explicit! “This is an opportunity to be clear,” she says. This is also a great time to…

Establish a safe word. Especially in role-play, “something someone says or does in character may turn you off or overstep a boundary, and you need to make it clear that you need to pause,” says Frye-Nekrasova. This is why it’s so important to have a safe word in place. It can be something as silly as “banana” or as simple as “red”—just make sure you have one and that you’re on the same page. Also, make sure it’s something that your partner understands as a signal to stop, not something that can get lost in the scene or role you’re playing. “You don’t want your partner misinterpreting you saying something as a part of the role-playing.”

Stay sober. Substances can alter your state of mind and make it impossible to consent, so make sure you’re sober and/or minimize everything from alcohol, to party drugs, to hypnosis. Stay aware of how you’re feeling, says Queen, and…

Only play with people you know and trust, especially if you’re roleplaying for the first time. Make sure that you’re in good hands and that the person (or people!) you’re engaging with respect your boundaries and limits. On the same token, you might also want to leave bondage and restraint play for later exploration, says Queen. “You want to know how your scene partner will respond to a safe word and exercise care.”

What Are Some Common Sexual Roleplay Ideas to Try?

When it comes to deciding what scene you want to play, anything goes as long as you and your partner are comfortable and consenting. You can involve costumes, accessories, decor, you can play in the comfort of your own home, or at a dungeon, or a sex party. You can play with just each other, or involve other consenting people as long as the lines of communication are open and everyone’s aligned. Think about what dynamics or sides to yourself and your relationship you want to explore. Here are some common scenarios ideas to start, according to Frye-Nekrasova and Queen.

1. Strangers

This is a great one to start off with if you’ve never role-played before. Meet at a bar and pretend you don’t know each other, give yourselves different names, accents, jobs, and go home together for a “nightcap.”

2. Doctor or nurse/patient

This scenario would never be okay IRL, but in role-playing, it lets you play with Dominant/submissive dynamics. Perhaps you and/or your partner get turned on by authority in this scenario, or by being told what to do. It’s also a fun one in which to use costumes or accessories. (Aka: Time to pull out that “slutty nurse” costume from college.)

3. Teacher/student

Another one that would never be okay IRL, but much like the scene above, the teacher/student dynamic is a common role-play scenario that allows you to play with power dynamics—particularly punishment. Maybe you did so poorly on an exam, and you need to face the consequences.

4. Boss/employee

Again—not okay IRL, but a fun option when it comes to role-play and power dynamics. Perhaps you need to spend some ~alone time~ going over “notes” after a “meeting”?

5. A virgin and a seductive, experienced partner

Maybe your actual first time was a dud. Well, this is the chance to relive it and re-do it exactly how you would’ve wanted it to be. Pretend that one of you is a virgin being seduced by someone who wants to show you how it’s done, or pretend it’s both of your first times!

6. Groupie/rock star

Your favorite musician saw you in the audience, was so captivated by you, and is inviting you backstage for a ~behind-the-scenes~ experience.

7. Massage therapist/client

Yeah—def not okay IRL, but with your partner, it can be a fun way to incorporate massage candles and warm (body-safe!) oil or lube.

8. Royal/handmaiden

Grab a plastic crown from a party supply store and pretend like one of you is royalty, while the other is them handmaiden, obeying commands to please them as they wish.

9. Repair-person or delivery-person

If you’ve ever fantasized about getting it on with a stranger who conveniently just shows up to your house, this might be a good one to test out. Use fake names, and ask them to “come in” and “take a look at your broken dishwasher.”

10. Shop associate

This one could be especially tempting in a “lingerie store” scenario, where they’re giving you suggestions and recommendations on what to try on.

11. Landlord/tenant

This is another great one (but very-not-okay-IRL one) if you’re into the whole “person shows up in the middle of the day” thing, like with a repair-person. Pretend like your partner is your landlord, you’re late on rent, and it’s time to pay up.

12. Roommates

Pretend like you’re roommates who’ve had chemistry bubbling up between them for months. This is a great opportunity to get out of your bedroom and try having sex in different parts of your place. On the kitchen counter, perhaps?

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20 common sexual kinks

— And why it’s totally normal to have a kink

By Gabrielle Kassel

  • There’s nothing unusual about having a kink — some evidence suggests half the population has one.
  • A few examples of kinks include bondage, impact play aka spanking, discipline, and role play.
  • Before exploring kinks with your partners, start with consent, communication, and clear boundaries.

As any pleasure-seeker or social scroller knows, a kink isn’t just a knot in your neck. It also refers to your sexual preferences.

“A kink is a sexual interest that is outside of the ordinary,” says certified sex educator Javay Frye-Nekrasova, founder of The Millennial Sexpert and educator with Lovehoney.
Of course, what qualifies as ordinary sex — or vanilla sex — varies by person, as well as cultural context, and so does what qualifies as kinky.

“It’s entirely subjective,” Frye-Nekrasova says. Some individuals might say they have a doggy style kink because they like to hit it from the back, for instance. Meanwhile, others might say they’re kinky because whips and chains excite them. Still, about half the population reports having interest in at least one non-vanilla sex act.

Note, however, that a kink is different from a fetish. While a kink expresses an interest in a sexual act, “a fetish is a fixation on an object or body part for sexual gratification,” Frye-Nekrasova says.

To put it simply, a kink is something you do to get turned on, while a fetish is a thing you need to get turned on.

Semantics of kink versus fetish aside, there’s no shortage of things people might be into in the bedroom (or, uh, dungeon). Below, kink educators explain 20 of the most common kinks, outlining why someone might think it’s hot and sharing tips for your own sexperiments.

1. Age gap

An age-gap kink is a kink for role play where adult-aged folks act out, and are turned on by, fantasies that involve a difference in ages, says sex educator Searah Deysach, owner of Early to Bed, an education-focused sex shop in Chicago.

For instance, one partner might play “baby” and put on a diaper, while the other plays “Mommy” or “Daddy” — this dynamic in particular is known as “daddy dominant–baby girl.” One partner might also pretend to be a college-aged student, while another pretends to be a professor.

“It’s important to note that an age gap kink involves consenting adults (not children) pretending to be younger than they really are,” Deysach says. Any illicit contact or conversations with minors is a felony.

2. Bondage

Bondage is the B in “BDSM.” In full, “the acronym stands for bondage, discipline/dominance, submission/sadism, and masochism,” Deysach says.

At its most distilled, “an individual interested in bondage when they are interested in being restrained or restricted, or restraining or restricting their partner,” says Lisa Finn, a sex educator with sex-toy emporium Babeland.

Bondage can involve anything from ropes and ribbons to zip-ties and saran wrap, and it may appeal to folks for a variety of reasons.

“Some people like the aesthetic of a restrained body, others like the sensation of the bondage material on their skin, and others like the way it reinstates power dynamics,” Finn says.

3. Cock and ball torture

Cock and ball torture, sometimes known simply as CBT (not to be confused with cognitive behavioral therapy), is a fetish marked by the desire to have pain inflicted on your own penis or testicles — or the desire to inflict said pain.

“This pain can be achieved through pulling, stretching, or even stepping on one’s bits,” Deysach says.

CBT may also involve the use of cock cages, urethral sounding, genital flogging, and more, and she says.

4. Cuckolding

Someone has a cuckolding kink when they enjoy watching their partner have sex with other people — either in the same room, or via Facetime or video, Deysach says.

Historically, the term was used specifically to refer to married men who wanted to watch their wives have sex with other men, but according to Deysach, the term can be applied to folks of any gender, sexuality, or marital status.

“The thrill of watching your lover have sex with another person is something that folks across the gender spectrum can find exciting and kinky,” Deysach says.

Typically, when someone uses the term cuckold, it implies that humiliation is involved, she says. For some people, the act of watching a partner have sex with someone else — for instance, someone with a larger penis or more sexual skills — is humiliating, and it’s this emotional sensation that turns them on.

“But for others it can be a more open term just to refer to the thrill of watching your lover partner with another while you sit on the sidelines,” she says.

5. Discipline

According to Finn, discipline is a form of roleplay where certain acts are framed as “corrective” or as “punishment.”

This kink often involves a more dominant partner setting rules or expectations for a more submissive partner— and if the more submissive partner breaks those rules, there are consequences, Finn says.

These consequences can include physical acts like spanking or other impact play or mental and emotional acts like humiliation or testing their partner, according to Finn.

To be super-duper clear: “Disciplinary play is a form of roleplay — it shouldn’t actually be used as a way to resolve conflict with real-world repercussions,” Finn says.

6. Dominance

The D in BDSM can also stand for “dominance.”

Dominance is the act of consensually taking control or holding the power in a scene or sexual dynamic with their partner, Finn says.

While a dominant partner plays the role of “Large and In Charge,” the submissive partner should still always have autonomy over the situation, Finn says. For instance, they may negotiate the scene before play and use safewords and gestures throughout.

7. Erotic asphyxiation

Erotic asphyxiation, AKA breath play, is the act of controlling how much access you have to oxygen for the sake of power, play, and pleasure.

“When someone is choking you, they could seriously hurt you, even kill you,” says sex educator Zachary Zane, author of “Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto” and sex expert for Momentum Intimacy. This involves an element of absolute submission to that partner, he says.

Many people also enjoy the physical sensations often associated with being deprived of air, such as tingling, a spreading warmth, and quickened heart rate.

“There’s a high many people experience from it when they do finally get a gulp of air,” he says.

8. Foot fetish

A foot fetish is marked by a sexual interest in feet, which can be the entirety of the foot or focused specifically on the toes, arch of the foot, or ankle.

Some people are turned on by servicing feet, Frye-Nekrasova says, which can be accomplished with a foot massage or at-home pedicure, for instance. Other people are turned on by the idea of doing something “dirty” — feet, after all, are usually the part of the body that touches the ground and dirt beneath.

“There are so many ways to incorporate feet into your sex life,” Frye-Nekrasova says. Some people like to give a footjob, which is essentially a handjob with your feet, she says. “Meanwhile, other people enjoy the sensation of having their toes sucked, or sucking,” she says.

9. Hentai

“Hentai refers to a specific type of Japanese illustration that often depicts overtly sexual scenes and scenarios,” Deysach says.

A popular porn genre, hentai erotica often features tentacled beings, monsters, and other-worldly creatures.

“There is often an element of force and control associated with hentai porn,” Zane says. For instance, hentai-inspired fantasy could involve an octopus forcing all of its tentacles inside the receiver’s hole(s).

10. Impact play

Impact play is the broad name for sex that involves the use of hands, paddles, whips, flogs, or crops on a partner’s meatiest, or most nerve-dense, parts.

“Impact types of play can involve light playful actions or more serious and painful sensations,” Deysach says. Depending on what the consenting parties have agreed to, the impact can be a form of punishment or just delivered as part of sensational play.

For some people, for instance, a light smack on the bum while riding their partner’s dick or dildo is adequate. Meanwhile, someone else might want to be smacked with a paddle hard enough that it leaves marks.

11. Knismolagnia

The word ‘knismolagnia’ may bring to mind mystery meat, but it’s actually the name for a tickling fetish.

Folks with this fetish are turned on by the sensation of being tickled by anything from human fingers and feathers, to vibrators or electrical stimulation toys.

In some instances, the person being tickled is also tied down, but not always, Finn says.

“A tickling fetish is unique because someone is smiling and laughing while they’re being tickled, even though it is uncomfortable and intense. There really isn’t any other kink where your body responds to discomfort with a reflexive laugh,” Zane says.

So generally, tickling is considered a more “playful” kink, though it can be very intense.

12. Lactation

Being very into a lover’s body fluids is quite common — and for some people, breast milk is one of those fluids.

“Some people find the miraculousness of the human body’s ability to create milk arousing. Other people are turned on by the rarity of the experience, since lactation generally only happens after a baby is born,” Frye-Nekrasova says.

According to Frye-Nekrasova, a lactation kink may also be tied to an age gap or age play kink, where someone feels aroused at the thought of pretending to be a breast-fed baby once again.

13. Masochism

The M in BDSM and the complement to sadism, “masochism is the act of erotic enjoyment in experiencing pain, humiliation, or intense sensation, ” Finn says.

The mental or physical pain associated with masochism can be delivered by yourself or by a partner, they say.

14. Pregnancy

Even though penis-in-vagina intercourse is (usually) required for an individual to become pregnant, there’s still stigma around pregnant people being sexual, Deysach says.

According to Deysach, some people are aroused by that stigma and feel naughty when they’re turned on by pregnant folks.

“Other people might have had a particularly electric sexual experience with someone who was pregnant and now mentally associate pregnancy and hot sex,” she says.

Pregnancy kinks can also include the eroticization of lactation, darkened nipples, swollen ankles, or any other signs and symptoms of pregnancy, she says.

15. Role play

Role play is a common kink that involves pretending to be someone other than who you really are.

“There are lots of reasons why someone might want to try role playing — for some people, it’s as simple as a desire to try something new and infuse a little excitement into their sex life,” Deysach says.

According to Deysach, shedding your day-to-day persona and “becoming” someone else can be a way to let go and enjoy sex more.

“It can be a thrill and it can be a comfort,” Deysach says.

16. Sensation play

Sensation play is the broad name for types of touch that involve stimulating your nerve endings in unique ways.

Sensation play can be done by experimenting with different temperatures — for instance, with candles, wax, or ice cubes, Finn says.

It can also be explored by teasing your nerves with tools like Wartenberg wheels, feather ticklers, or electrical stimulation wands, they say.

17. Tentacles

A tentacle kink refers to someone being turned on by the idea of being penetrated or otherwise sexually engaging with tentacles or creatures that have tentacles, Deysach says.

For some people, the eroticism comes from the slipperiness or the tactile idea of a tentacle, she says.

“For others the tentacle fantasy is connected to fantasies of being restrained by or being ‘forced’ into sexual situations by an otherworldly creature,” she says.

18. Urethral sounding

“Sounding is a sexual practice of inserting metal rods into the urethra,” says sociologist and clinical sexologist Sarah Melancon with The Sex Toy Collective.

While urethral sounding can be performed on anyone with a urethra, it’s most commonly performed on the penis. The head of the penis is incredibly nerve-dense, and stimulating those nerves through urethral stimulation can be pleasurable for some people.

Plus, if you go deep enough you can touch the prostate, which may, in some cases, lead to a prostate orgasm.

19. Voyeurism

Voyeurism is a fetish where you get sexual gratification by watching other people engage in sex. It’s considered a complement to exhibitionism, where you find it arousing to have sex while other people watch.

Ethically and legally speaking, this kink can get tricky. “Folks spying on others without consent is a crime,” Deysach says.

However, it’s possible to set up consensual scenarios where you observe others having sex, she says. Consensual voyeurism could include attending sex parties, kink festivals, hiring a cam girl, or paying multiple sex workers.

20. Wax play

Sure, you’ve heard of lighting candles to set a mood — but wax play goes beyond creating an ambiance. Wax play is a type of sensation play that involves dripping wax onto your partner, or having it dripped onto you.

Some people are into wax play because it feels like dancing with danger, others are into it because the heat of the wax feels erotic when juxtaposed to the cool air of the bedroom.

Insider’s takeaway

Sex, no matter where it falls on the vanilla to kinky spectrum, is designed to bring pleasure — and that holds true whether sex is solo, partnered, or multi-partnered.

Adding elements of kink can be a wonderful way to infuse even more pleasure, intimacy, and spice into your sexy time.

Just be sure you and any potential partner(s) you’re exploring your kinks with prioritize consent, communication, and education over all else. “Before you try any kink, it’s best to educate yourself on how to explore that kink safely,” Finn says.

In a partnered setting, you also want to communicate about your individual limits and boundaries before getting down and dirty. Then, communicate from start to fireworks, they say. Communication, after all, is a prerequisite for pleasure.

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Okay, So You’re Kind of, Sort of Interested in Trying Role-Play

— What Next?

By Gabrielle Kassel

Role-playing, or acting out a particular scenario or scene, isn’t just something you do with a friend before breaking up with your sensitive beau, or with a career mentor before asking for a raise. Role-play can also be used to transport any of your sexual encounters from stale to stimulating, boring to bonkers (in a good way, that is).

In a sexual sense, role-play is a term encompassing any sexual act that involves an element of “pretend,” fantasy, or make-believe for the sake of pleasure, according to Carol Queen, PhD, staff sexologist at sex-toy company Good Vibrations. To name just a few examples, sexy role-play can involve faking an accent, putting on a costume, using a thematic prop, going by a different name, pretending to be somebody else entirely, or acting out a particular power dynamic, she explains.

At a basic level, role-play can function as a way to infuse a little something new into your sex life, much like using a new vibrator might, says sex educator Searah Deysach, owner of education-focused sex shop Early to Bed, in Chicago. For some, however, role-play is also a gateway into BDSM, says Dr. Queen. “Roles can offer real context for BDSM [set-ups] that, without the roles, might seem hard to get into,” she says. Consider, for instance, how a dominant and submissive power dynamic might be easier to adopt if the person who’s going to be dominant takes on a teacher role, and the submissive acts as the student.

“Some people [can access] more pleasure when they shed their day-to-day persona and become the kind of person they imagine has the hot…sex they want to have deep down.” —Searah Deysach, sex educator

There’s also an element of role-play that can unlock more carefree sex, particularly if you’re someone who struggles to see yourself in a sexual light. “Some people [can access] more pleasure when they shed their day-to-day persona and become the kind of person they imagine has the hot, raunchy, or kinky sex they want to have deep down,” says Deysach.

No matter why you’re curious to try role-play or how it might serve your sexual goals, it can be tough to go from wanting it or imagining it to actually, well, doing it with a sexual partner(s). Below, sex educators break down how to turn any role-play fantasy into your sexual reality.

How to add role-play into your sex life with confidence, according to sex educators

1. Figure out your fantasy

If you’re reading this because you have a fully fleshed-out fantasy that you want to act out but just don’t know where to start, skip ahead to step two. But if you just think role-play could be a fun way to jazz up your bedroom activities and haven’t given it much dedicated thought beyond that, you’ll want to start by noodling on the kind of role you’d like to, well, play.

For inspiration, consider your recent porn search history, movie scenes you find particularly sexy, favorite erotica novels, or the kinds of audio erotica that really get you going, suggests Deysach.

Drawing a blank? Spend a few minutes rolling the below popular role-play ideas around in your brain and body. If you feel a little tingle or jolt thinking about any of these, that could be a sign that you’ve found something you want to try.

  • Boss/employee
  • Nurse/patient
  • Massage therapist/client
  • Plumber/stay-at-home parent
  • Firefighter/person in need of rescuing
  • Savior/damsel (or dame) in distress
  • Player/virgin

2. Talk about sex, generally speaking

It will be tough to strike up a conversation about sexual role-play with a partner if you don’t really talk about sex, period. That’s why Dr. Queen suggests first fostering a culture of open communication about sex with any sexual partner, more generally.

“Start by adding sex talk wherever you can,” says Dr. Queen. This can be simple—for instance, telling a partner, “I really liked when you did x last night” the morning after a pleasure-filled romp. Or, you can ask a question to get a sex conversation going, like, “Do you have any sexual fantasies that you’d like to try?” And if you’re not getting much in the way of a response, consider volunteering your own fantasies by asking, “Want to hear mine?” Leading with vulnerability can spark vulnerability in return.

If talking openly about your own sex life just feels too intimidating, start by discussing sex when it appears in the news, or by talking about celebrity relationships, Dr. Queen suggests. “Once you get comfortable chatting about the kind of sex you imagine, say, Pete Davidson and whomever he is currently dating have, you may feel more confident talking about your own sex life,” she says.

3. Make a “Yes/No/Maybe” list with a partner

When you’re comfortable with sex talk, level up to sex activities. To start, Dr. Queen suggests making a date night out of writing a sexual “Yes/No/Maybe” list with a partner. Just like it sounds, this list involves placing any number of different sexual acts, fantasies, toys, and positions into a “Yes,” “No,” or “Maybe” column based on your interest (or lack thereof) in trying them.

“You and your partner(s) can each make your own list, then compare lists to figure out what you might want to add to your sex lives,” says Dr. Queen. If both of your lists slot “role-play” in either the “Yes” or “Maybe” column, you can use that as a stepping stone to talk about what elements of sexual role-play intrigue you and why, and to share role-play fantasies.

4. Discuss role-playing in more detail

There’s a B-I-G difference between dirty talking in a fake British accent and greeting a partner in bed with a stethoscope around your neck and latex gloves sheathing your hands. In other words, agreeing to role-play with a partner isn’t enough to get started; you need to get specific about who, why, and when you’ll be role-playing, says Dr. Queen.

To do so, consider asking each other the below questions:

  • What are some names you do (or do not) want to be called?
  • What are some costumes or outfits you want to wear (or take off me)?
  • What tone of voice do you want to use (or hear)?
  • When is the scene over?
  • How will you signal if you want to exit the scene early?
  • What aftercare practices should we implement after trying this?

“As with any new sexy thing that you want to try, being direct and honest with your lover is usually the best approach,” says Deysach. Let them know what you want to experience, and give them an opportunity to share their desires, too.

If they express hesitation, avoid pressuring them to say “yes,” but don’t give up all hope, either, says Deysach. “You might instead offer [role-play] as something to think about and then plan to revisit it in the future.”

5. Get educated on safe role-play practices

If your role-play fantasy veers into BDSM territory—for example, involving power imbalance, consensual non-consent, choking, breath restriction, or the like—you’d be wise to spend some time learning about how to safely explore these kinks before acting, says Dr. Queen.

The book The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge by Tristan Taormino and the podcast Why Are People Into That?! with Tina Horn are good starting points. You might also look into taking an online or in-person workshop on the topic of role-play or BDSM from a sex-positive sex education brand like Babeland, Hacienda, or Velvet Lips, or from sex therapist Rachel Wright, LMFT.

6. Order any on-theme props you might need (or want)

No, you don’t need to drop coin on a sexy costume, nor do you need to order an on-theme dildo to match your role-play fantasy. But that doesn’t detract from the fact that these detail-oriented additions can certainly add to the overall experience, taking it from cerebral to corporeal. So, if you have rainy-day savings, fund your fantasy by ordering, for example, a tentacle dildo or a nurse get-up.

7. Keep it simple

If you want your sexual role-play experience to be as elaborate as, say, a Games of Thrones set, go for it. But it’s also important to acknowledge that it doesn’t have to be. Phew. “You and your partner can have a role-play experience where you do not change anything from your typical sexual encounter except what you wear or what you call each other,” says Dr. Queen.

For your first time, in particular, it may be useful to remove the pressure of setting the scene or deviating drastically from your typical sexual setup, and just keep it simple, instead, says Dr. Queen. This can help you avoid feeling overwhelmed (which is not exactly a sexy emotion).

8. Start digitally

Virtual sex isn’t just a good option for when you’re navigating a positive COVID test or just being COVID-conscious; it’s also a great medium for experimenting with role-play for the first time.

“Many may find that slipping into a new role in the digital realm can be very fulfilling,” says Deysach. Text, in particular, can be a good modality for role-play beginners because it gives everyone involved the gift of time between responses to craft a scene and dialogue that feels hot and well-aligned with the roles in question. Just make sure you and a partner agree on when you’ll be starting the virtual role-play ahead of time so that they know what is going on when they start receiving texts from a new persona, Deysach adds.

9. Consider working with a sex professional

Single? Polyamous but don’t have a partner who is game for role-play? Consider hiring a sexuality professional, suggests Deysach. Phone-sex operators, virtual doms/dommes, and in-person sex workers are very skilled at role playing and can help facilitate the role-play scene of your dreams, she says.

A professional is a particularly sound option for individuals who have a very specific fantasy they want to act out, as well as those who want to make love to a very particular character, adds Deysach. After all, so long as it respects the sex professional’s boundaries, the scene you enact doesn’t have to align with their sexual tastes in the way that it would with those of a sexual partner.

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20 Fun Sexual Role-Play Ideas To Tap Into Your Wildest Fantasies

By Kesiena Boom, M.S.

Ever dreamed of being someone else just for the night? Then sexual role-play may be something you’ll enjoy. If you’re new to the role-play world, here are some ideas for different scenarios to enact and tips on how to initiate a conversation with your partner about trying it out.

How role-play works.

Role-play is when you take on the persona of someone else while having sex. For example, a couple may have sex while pretending to be strangers who met at a bar or acting out a scene where one person is royalty and the other is a servant.

The role-play can be as developed and complex or as simple as you like: You can incorporate costumes, backstories, and music to set the scene, or you can just narrate what you’re doing from a different perspective. The point is just to use your imagination to heighten sexual pleasure, tap into sexual fantasies, and play with creativity and self-expression.

Why you may want to try it.

“Sexual role play can bring elements of play and novelty to a relationship. This is especially rejuvenating when partners feel like they’ve hit a plateau in the relationship,” says therapist Wardeh C. Hattab, LCSW. Using role-play can help you and your partner rediscover the intrigue of your early days together and inject fun back into a sex life that might have begun to feel a little routine.

Role-play is also a chance to step outside of the everyday rules you usually live your life by. “It allows couples to do things they wouldn’t have felt comfortable doing otherwise,” explains sex therapist Aliyah Moore, Ph.D. “If you’re used to asking politely, role-playing gives you the chance to become more assertive and make decisive orders toward your partner. On the other hand, if you’re someone who’s used to pleasing others, role-playing gives you the chance to simply lie down, relax, and take the role of the receiver.”

Moore goes on to say that role-play can be a wonderful way for couples to bond and get closer as “acting out a fantasy builds the anticipation between partners, making sexual encounters more intimate and fulfilling.”

Starting the conversation.

It might feel a little intimidating to bring up role-playing with your partner if it’s something the two of you have never done before. To make it easier, sex educator Niki Davis-Fainbloom recommends bringing up the topic outside of sexual scenarios, “so partners have time to think about it without feeling pressure to do anything right away.”

She also suggests that you consider what scenarios you might be interested in exploring before you bring it up with your partner so that you’re prepared to answer their questions and explain what you might be into.

It’s also important to keep in mind that discussing desires related to role-play should be a series of discussions rather than a one-and-done situation, says Hattab.

Role-play ideas and scenarios to consider:

1. Strangers

“This is an enjoyable scene to explore for folks who are aroused by the concept of having sex with a stranger but perhaps may not want to deal with the risks of actually doing it,” says Davis-Fainbloom. You might even try dressing up, meeting in a new environment, and trying not to break character for it to be as effective and as hot as possible.

2. Nurse and patient

This role-play is great for people who want to play with dynamics of care. If you’re generally into being attended to by your partner, then a nurse-and-patient role-play scene might be fun for you to try. You might also just have a thing for sexy uniforms, in which case this one can be perfect for you.

3. Cheaters

In this scenario, you and your partner are cheating on your spouses left back at home while you rendezvous at a hotel in the middle of the day. Add extra flavor to this one by actually checking into a hotel and making a real weekend of it. This one can be hot for people who are monogamous and are craving a feeling of novelty.

4. About to take off

More nuts anyone? “In this one, the passenger and flight attendant have been making eye contact and flirting all throughout this overnight flight. Now that it’s 1 a.m. and most of the passengers are asleep, it’s time to see how friendly the skies can really be!” says relationship and sexuality coach Prandhara Prem. This role-play is great for people who like to break rules and have sex in unexpected places.

5. Maid

Maid-themed role-plays are great for those who like to be in charge and make their partners service them. “You can get the maid to clean a room for minutes on end, making her bend over, kneel down, and all that good stuff,” says Moore. Invest in a cute little maid’s costume for an extra kick.

6. Someone you know

Maybe you’re the hot barista at the coffee shop, or that girl you both met at that party one time. Whoever you are, make sure you’re both on the same page about whether your relationship can handle it, says Hattab. Choose someone with a safe amount of distance. This role-play has endless possibilities, and it’s perfect for bringing out sides of you that you are usually too shy to explore.

7. Teacher and student

While entirely unethical in real life, this scenario can be really hot when played out as a role-play. You might be drawn to a teacher-student dynamic if you’re generally hot for authority figures or always had a crush on your teachers back in the day. Get ready to be punished for letting the dog eat your homework. “And if you want the idea to be even kinkier, you can make it a religious school,” says Moore, adding for a little storyline flavor: “You’re still a virgin after anal sex, right?… Right?”

8. Hypnotic love

“In this role-play, one person can be a hypnotist and the other will be hypnotized. The hypnotized loses control of their actions. This is perfect for someone wanting to get over inhibitions or push their personal boundaries,” recommends Prem.

9. Electrician and housewife

Ring, ring. Who’s at the door? Oh! It’s the electrician who comes to service your appliances and…you. A role-play involving a worker and a housewife is suited to people who are turned on by trade uniforms and fantasies of being ravished on the couch before their husband gets home. Or maybe even for people who have cuckold fantasies and dream of coming home to their wife being ravished…

10. Masseuse and client

“I’ve seen so much massage porn that I’m often surprised when my masseuse rubs the tension out of my neck and sends me on my way,” says Davis-Fainbloom. This scene would suit someone who is really turned on by “extended foreplay, erotic massage, and bending the rules,” she says. Try to make the environment feel as different as possible from your everyday environment, play around with enticing scents, and make sure the masseuse takes their time before hitting the best spots.

11. Pizza delivery

A classic of the genre, you open up the door, and the pizza delivery person is hot as hell. Unfortunately, you don’t have any cash on you… This role-play is exciting for people who are into the idea of exchanging sexual services as payment or just putting a sexy twist on a common, real-life interaction.

12. Lost in space

Picture the scene: You’re the only two people left on a far-flung planet. The survival of the human race depends on you screwing as much as you can. Quick!!! This role-play is fun for people who are adventurous and like to dress up. The possibilities for space-themed sexy outfits are endless.

13. The shakedown

One of you is a guard, and the other is suspected of smuggling contraband. The guard is determined to find the hidden goods, while the other is making them difficult to be found. “But the officer is determined and will stop at nothing,” says Prem. This role-play is perfect for those who are turned on by a good old-fashioned power struggle. Do you usually gravitate to power play? Then this one’s for you.

14. Boss and worker

A sexual relationship between a boss and employee absolutely crosses the line in real life, but the taboo can make for some hot fantasies behind closed doors. “There’s no denying it—role-play is a powerful place to explore power dynamics,” says Davis-Fainbloom. This type of scene can be particularly ideal for someone who is interested in BDSM but hasn’t known how to take the plunge. She suggests alternating between the roles of dominant and submissive to see which one works best for you.

15. Landlord and tenant

It’s the last of the month, and the rent is due, but you and your landlord have a special arrangement… This role-play is another one that’s based on power dynamics, just like boss and worker.

16. Pin me down

In this role-play, you both pretend to be pro wrestlers trying to get each other on the floor. You can wear slinky little wrestler outfits and even have a wrestler persona and new name. This role-play “gets the blood and adrenaline moving,” says Prem. “Anyone feeling touch-deprived or sad can do this for a boost or quick pick-me-up.”

17. Age play

For this one, you can play around with calling your partner Daddy or Mommy or set up a scenario in which you’re finally left alone with your hot stepmom at the weekend… This role-play is ideal for people who are turned on by age gaps or who long to feel looked after or want to express nurture through sex.

18. Royalty and servant

“[This is] the perfect scenario for couples with a royalty kink, especially those who want to class up their Dom/sub dynamics,” says Moore. “You can dress up as a Renaissance royal and have your loyal servant feed you, serve you wine, and have [anything else you] want.”

19. Grocery store meet-cute

Your hands touch across the last loaf of bread, eggplant, or almond milk. You run back to the parking lot and screw in the car because you just can’t wait to have each other… This role-play is fun for people who fantasize about having sex with strangers or who are turned on by spontaneity or exhibitionism.

20. Whatever you want!

The sky is really the limit when it comes to role-play. If you can think of it, you can play it. Take inspiration from your favorite TV shows, musicians, artists, porn scenes—anything at all can be given a sexy twist.

Tips to keep in mind.

Setting boundaries is of the utmost importance when experimenting with role-play, says Prem. Spell out to your partner what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not. Establish a safe word before beginning that you can use to come out of the scene if you start to feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed.

Being really clear with your partner about which aspects of a role-play scenario turn you on can help both of you to glean more pleasure from it. “An open discussion of the fantasy may help the partner understand what aspect means the most in role-playing to the other person,” Hattab adds. “A partner who is less interested in role-play may be open to it with some more understanding of why their partner has this fantasy.”

Make sure you’re on the same page before diving in. A scenario in which you’re the doctor and your partner is the patient, for example, could have myriad different ways of being played out. Establish a framework together for what things are off-limits and what things you both think are sexy.

The bottom line.

Like any other sex game for couples, role-play can be a really fun way to get to know your own desires. When you’re playing at being someone else, you can feel free and uninhibited in a way that can sometimes be hard to access in everyday life. Dirty talk might feel easier, and unexplored kinks might come to the surface. As long as you and your partner keep the lines of communication open, a little acting might just bring you and your partner to new sexual heights.

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Kinks and fetishes you need to know about, from A to Z

Because pleasure = self-care.

By Mollie Quirk

An A to Z of kinks and fetishes probably isn’t something you knew you needed, but it’s time to up your sex-ed game because let’s be honest, sex – whether solo or with a partner – and self-care go hand-in-hand. Pleasure is wellness, people. And there could be a whole realm of untapped pleasure here you never knew existed.

So, we’ve compiled a list of 26 kinks from A to Z, from bondage to role play. Please remember that kinks are supposed to be fun, and if at any point they stop being fun – you can stop at ANY time.

A is for Age Play

Many people get turned on when roleplaying, and even more so when they’re acting younger or older than they are. This kink could start off by calling your partner ‘daddy’ in bed, or maybe you’re getting called ‘baby’ – but it doesn’t stop there. The daddy/baby name-calling is just an example of light age play, but if the switch is flipped and all of a sudden one of you is acting like a baby, sucking on a dummy and crawling around in a nappy, then it’s safe to say that you’ve crossed to the extreme side of age play.

B is for Bondage

Some people get off when they’re restrained – whether that be in handcuffs or with ropes. Bondage falls under the BDSM umbrella term that means ‘bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism’. Some people enjoy being dominant (i.e. tying other people up) and some enjoy the more submissive side (i.e. being tied up). 

Bondage is the most well-known kink (thanks Fifty Shades of Grey) and uses sex toys like handcuffs, paddles, whips, shackle mounts, candle wax, chains, ropes and suspension bars.

Expensive toys aren’t always needed, and trading handcuffs for a tie can be a good alternative.

C is for Cuckolding

Cuckolding is usually when a heterosexual couple agree for the woman to sleep with another man/men. Her partner doesn’t need to be in the room – he just needs to get turned on by the thought of his partner having sex with somebody else. But, some men do like being in the room while watching their partner sleeping with another man. Although its traditionally considered to be a heterosexual kink, people of all genders and sexual orientations can partake.

D is for Dogging

Dogging is a British slang term for having sex in public, or watching others do so. It’s become an increasingly popular kink, and is similar to voyeurism and exhibitionism.

Usually two sets of people are involved (sometimes more) and they set up a meet or meet randomly, before watching the other couple have sex and vice versa. This kink doesn’t come without risks though, because in Great Britain, dogging comes under laws related to voyeurism, exhibitionism, or public displays of sexual behaviour. Prosecution is possible for a number of offences, and this means that public places in some areas of the UK sit in a grey area, legally speaking.

E is for Electrostimulation

Some people get turned on by getting electrocuted, and this kink is called electrostimulation. This involves using small electric shocks in the bedroom (or wherever you’re having sex with your partner). Getting electrocuted can be dangerous, which is why most people who partake in this kink are into another type called ‘edge play’.

F is for Foot Fetishism

You’ve definitely heard of this one. Foot fetishes are one of the most common fetishes out there, just take Jake from Love Island 2021 and his very public foot fetish.

A foot fetish is when somebody gets turned on by, yep you guessed it, other people’s feet. They will most likely want to touch them, hold them, lick them, kiss them, and sometimes they might even want to suck that person’s toes. People with foot fetishes also engage in foot worship, which leads into another kink – humiliation. Sometimes the fetishist might want their partner’s feet in their mouth, they might want to be trodden on, kicked or walked on.

G is for Gagging

Some people like be gagged and choked while having sex, and this kink has recently seen a huge surge in popularity. Gagging can refer to lightly choking on an object (like a penis) or being choked slightly by the hand of your partner.

Another form of gagging is using a ball gag to gag somebody so they can no longer speak. This will either seem like your worst nightmare or your hottest sexual fantasy. Remember that if any form of gagging becomes uncomfortable at any stage – stop immediately. Having a safe word or signal is recommended, so that your partner knows if you’re withdrawing consent.

H is for Humiliation

This isn’t everybody’s cup of tea, but some people do get a kick out of being humiliated (or doing the humiliation). If you like being called names like ‘bitch’, ‘slut’, or ‘whore’ in bed, then you probably have a kink for being humiliated. But if you like doing the name-calling, then you probably have more a dominant side and enjoy humiliating others.

I is for Impact Play

Considered a form of BDSM, impact play is generally where one person is struck by their sexual partner for the pleasure of one or both parties. Some people enjoy being whipped with a ‘stingy’ whip, while others might prefer a ‘thud’ from a paddle.

J is for JOE / JOI

A popular kink without many even realising it, Jerk Off Encouragement or Jerk Off Instruction, is when you’re instructed to masturbate for your sexual partner. Some people might enjoy instructing another party to masturbate for them, while others might enjoy being told what to do. Either way, it’s an exciting way to spice things up in the bedroom.

K is for Klismaphilia

In Greek, Klismaphilia means “arousal by enemas.” If you’re unsure what an enema is, it’s similar to a colonic irrigation. Basically, an enema is when you get warm water squirted into your bum.

Enemas are most commonly carried out by hospitals prior to medical procedures, but some people get turned on by having an enema (or giving one to somebody else). Most people will use enemas as a way to prepare the anus for anal sex, so it’s handy that you enjoy it if you like anal.

L is for Lactophilia

More common in heterosexual couplings, Lactophilia refers to when a male gets turned on by seeing a woman lactate – commonly known as producing breast milk. Lactophiliacs enjoy seeing women produce breast milk, as well as sucking on breasts and having sex with women who are producing milk.

M is for Medical fetish

Some people get turned on by doctors, nurses, dentists and pretty much anybody else in the medical profession. People with this kind of fetish might enjoy seeing their partner dressed up in a white coat, or they might enjoy medical role play. 

N is for Nylons

Also known as pantyhose addiction, those who love ladies (or men) wearing nylons tend to get sexual stimulation, gratification and arousal from their partners wearing tights. They might also love the process of putting them on, or taking them off. It is thought that those with nylon kinks prefer tights over stockings, because tights have direct contact with genitals.

This kink directly related to another very similar fetish – used underwear. Thanks to the internet, it’s now easier than ever to buy used under garments like tights, stockings, socks, knickers and bras. Sellers tend to sell the garment for a price that is decided on by the amount of times it has been worn.

O is for Orgasm Denial

Another kink that lives under the umbrella of BDSM, orgasm denial is where one partner brings the other right to the brink of orgasm and then stops – also known as edging, peaking, or surfing.

This sexual technique is when your orgasm is controlled by your sexual partner or yourself. This kink is both harsh and extremely rewarding because you’re getting built up and brought down, something that can continue for quite some time, before then being allowed to orgasm. Many women (and men) report that this is the ultimate way to reach an orgasm because it becomes more intense than ever before. It’s the perfect blend of being punished before getting given a reward. 

P is for Penis Humiliation

This kink involves insulting a man’s penis. Usually the man will enjoy having the size, appearance and performance of his penis mocked and laughed at. This is another kink that falls under the BDSM umbrella term.

Q is for Queening

Queening is when a woman sits on her partner’s face for oral sex involving both your genitals and anus. The woman will position herself in a straddling position, while her partner (either male or female) will pleasure her orally. Some people have extreme queening kinks, meaning they prefer this kind of sex over the traditional kind.

R is for Role-play

Role-play is a very common sexual kink. It basically refers to when when people act out roles or storylines in order to turn each other on. It can crossover into many other kinks like medical fetishes or age-play, and can be a brilliant way of injecting some spice into your sex life. Role-playing can come with costumes and props, or can be as simple as sexting, dirty talk, or thinking out an elaborate story to draw out the sexual act.

S is for Sensory deprivation

Sensory deprivation is when one sexual partner removes stimulation and/or senses from the other. This means that the other sensations become more powerful, intense and extreme. An example of this would be a person wearing blindfold and earplugs, while concentrating on the what they can feel e.g. touch.

T is for Taphephilia

This kink is very obscure and incredibly risky. Some people get aroused by being buried alive. Similar to claustrophilia, arousal from confined spaces, this kink is best undertaken on a fantasy basis and with a sexual partner you trust. The real thing is super dangerous and not recommended.

U is for Urophilia

More commonly known as golden showers, urophilia is when you urinate on somebody. This can be done on their face, on their body, in their mouth, in their vagina or on any other sexual organs. It’s usually done as part of domination or humiliation, so is another kink that falls within the realms of BDSM.

V is for Vincilagnia

This term refers to being sexually aroused by bondage, and more specifically being tied up or tying your sexual partner up. Remember that all parties involved must give ongoing consent, as with any of the kinks listed in this A–Z.

W is for WAM

Wet and messy fetish (WAM), also known sploshing, is a sexual fetish that involves people becoming sexually aroused by wet and messy substances being applied to naked skin – whether it be their own, or their sexual partner’s. Some people like to be covered in wet, messy or sticky substances, while some people enjoy watching others get drenched. WAM can included getting pelted with cream pies (or shaving foam), slime, cakes, food, custard or other liquids.

X is for Wax play

Okay, it doesn’t technically start with an ‘X’ but we had to include it! Some people enjoy hot wax being poured over their bodies as a part of temperature play. Luckily, general candle wax doesn’t need to be used (and isn’t advised either) because purpose-made candles have been created, specifically for wax play. There are candles that exist to burn at a specific temperature to ensure you won’t get burnt (or burn your partner). Not only does the temperature play feel great, but as the candle burns, the wax turns into massage oil.

Y is for Yiffing

Yiffing is when people dress up in furry costumes to grope, fondle and hump each other. Usually no sex act is undertaken, and most of the time yiffing is done in a group setting. 

Z is for Zelophilia

Cuckolding often coincides with an element of zelophilia, which is arousal and pleasure from jealousy – whether it be your own jealousy towards a lover, or their jealousy of you.

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6 Kinky Dating Apps to Download If BDSM Is Your Thing

Because being sexually adventurous = totally healthy and normal.

By Anni Irish

A kink is broadly defined as an act or desire that falls outside of the widely accepted normative ideas of vanilla sexual practices—everything from choking, to BDSM (bondage/discipline, dominate/submissive, sadomasochism/masochism), to cuckolding, foot fetishes, water sports, bondage, and more.

And as you can see, there are tonnns of elements that fall within its sexual realm.

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But even though nearly 61 percent of Cosmo readers say they’ve dabbled in some form of BDSM play, there still remains some societal stigma and shame for wanting to be adventurous in and out of the bedroom.

This is exactly what we don’t want, fam. Because being sexually adventurous (in whatever way that means to you) is completely healthy and normal. In fact, it’s highly encouraged in an effort to prioritize your pleasure and what feels good to you.

So if you’re looking to expand your sexual taste—or just see what is out there— sometimes turning to a dating app is the best and easiest way to explore. And whether you’re just looking to spice up your online dating game or you’re fully a master in BDSM practices already, here are six kinky apps to help jump-start your experience.

Just remember, in all forms of sexual contact (kink or vanilla), consent it is always mandatory. Like engaging in any new sexual experience, communicating your boundaries and hard limits prior to beginning is a must.

1. FetLife

When it comes to exploring BDSM and kink in general, FetLife is the go-to for these kinds of activities. (The Canadian-based company literally describes itself as being like “Facebook but run by kinksters.”)

Similarly to other social media platforms, users can create profiles, interact and “Friend” other members, post pics, vids, status updates, and join more specific groups based on sexual interests and kinks. Trust me when I say the free website really allows you to cater your kink experience and find exactly what you want—whatever that may be.

Download here

2. Kinkoo

If you’re looking for a dating app more fetish-specific (think: feet, voyeurism, exhibitionism, etc.), Kinkoo may be the best one for you. In your profile, you can indicate what you’re looking for and how you’d describe yourself, like, say, if you are more of a submissive or dominant. Match with people all around the world for free or upgrade to the VIP membership for $16 per month.

Download here

3. Whiplr

Okay, so the app is pretty clever—I mean, its name doesn’t exactly disguise what the app is intended for, lol. But once you sign up, users are free to choose from a list of over 230 kinks (230!) to add to their profile. The free app also features a chat, video, and call component, similarly to what you may experience on a more mainstream dating app. Use it to find a virtual playmate or to chat it up with other kinksters across the globe.

Download here

4. Kink D

Another app geared toward the fetish community, Kink D is a super sex-positive space for those looking to explore. Whether you’re into BDSM, foot fetishes, or whatever else, odds are, you’ll find a willing partner here. It’s free to download, has a super user-friendly interface, and can help you connect with singles all over.

Download here

5. Kinki

Kinki prides themselves on being super inclusive, especially for folks apart of the LGBTQ+ community. The app, which costs $12 per month, gives you a range of options to pick from in terms of both fetishes and what you’re looking for (whether it be long-term, short-term, or just a hookup.) It also authenticates people’s accounts, gives you filters to search by location, and allows you to Like photos of people as well.

Unfortunately it’s not in U.S. markets quite yet, so this one’s for all of you outside the states.

Download here

6. Feeld

This platform offers a tonnnn of options for gender identity and sexual orientation. And while Feeld has gotten some buzz primarily for those interested in threesomes, it’s also super friendly to those in polyamorous relationships or looking to explore a more kink-friendly lifestyle. If you’re into just dipping a toe into the BDSM waters, this free app is a great sex-positive place to get started.

Download here

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15 porn sites for adults who fantasize about roleplaying

In need of roleplay inspo? These fantasy porn sites should do the trick.

By Beck Diaz

At some point in our sexual lives, we all stumble across fantasy porn or adult roleplay and decide that pretending to be someone else in bed sounds pretty damn hot. Coming fresh off a three-month-long quarantine, a spicy little switch-up in the bedroom might do us all some good.

It’s one thing to fantasize about being locked up with your partner for an extended amount of time with nothing to do except explore each other’s bodies and minds, but actually being locked up with them and catching them doing normal human things like picking their nose and struggle to put on a shirt is a whole other ballgame. Thankfully, we live in an era where missionary as the standard is still pretty amazing but can get old quickly if you have a lot of it. Now, we’re not gonna sit here and tell you how to have sex, cause that’s just rude. But if you’ve been feeling that familiar twinge of boredom that comes with routine and at this point, a too-close-for-comfort living situation, read on for the basic bedroom cure-all: role-playing.

What is sexual roleplay?

Sex therapy specialist Caitlyn Caracciolo defined roleplaying as “Acting out of your own fantasies or a partner’s, which tends to happen when one feels very safe and secure within a relationship. Roleplaying can be an excellent indicator of feeling emotionally and physically safe with a sexual partner.”

When it comes to sexual roleplaying with a partner or someone you trust, you can forget your preconceived notions of corny acting and cringy porn scripts. When you truly let yourself go by giving in to your sexual inhibitions, a whole new world of possibilities seem to open up in front of you. While sex often seems to be all about reaching climax, roleplaying is all about stimulation, both mentally and physically. Adult roleplaying allows you to play out the fantasy that seems to get you off every time, switch up the power dynamics in the bedroom, and even act out that steamy scenario with someone you trust that you might have been afraid or ashamed to do otherwise. These scenarios are all run-of-the-mill practices discovered and explored through sexual roleplaying!

How to roleplay in the bedroom

If you’re a roleplaying beginner and are wondering where to start, we have a few tips for you. First, take some time for yourself to figure out what it is that really turns you on. Don’t shy away from the taboo stuff, as roleplaying should be a safe space where you and your partner can explore those kinds of fantasies freely and safely!

After you’ve decided on a (or a couple of) scenes you’d like to try, discuss them in detail with your partner. As with everything else in a relationship, communication is key. So even though this might not be your typical dinner date conversation, it’s important to establish boundaries, consent, and an aftercare routine for those of you with more intense fantasies.

Obviously, we’re all human, and we all have feelings. Knowing that roleplaying should be a practice that comes without judgment doesn’t make it immune to some potential awkwardness, especially for beginners! Understanding that when it finally comes time to realize these fantasies laughing and feeling a little silly is not only OK, but it can be a big help when you’re first crossing the roleplaying threshold. If you’re super worked up about staying in character or even just trying to be overly sexy, you might miss out on the magic that organic and free roleplaying can bring. The key is to let your imagination run wild. You’re in for a night (or afternoon) to remember!

Where to find fantasy porn and adult roleplaying videos

If you need some roleplaying ideas, or just get off on fantasy porn, parody films and adult roleplaying videos, we’ve listed your best options below.

Pornhub

Let’s be real: with over 42 billion site visits in 2019, 90% of you porn viewers out there have probably reached orgasm on Pornhub at least once. You’re familiar with the layout and product offering, and you might be happy with it, but what if there was a way to get a lot more out of the experience? That’s what Pornhub Premium reaches for, and in my opinion, achieves. The best selling point right now is the site’s free trial membership (with the option to add Brazzers access for $1 per day). The homepage’s thumbnails offer sneak previews of thousands of HD, full-length videos from renowned studios like Vixen, Team Skeet, Nubile Films, Hentai.xxx, and more. On top of that, you’ll get access to Pornhub’s library of 30,000 full-length original films. Offering the widest variety of porn on the internet, its premium subscription does not disappoint.

YouPorn

What YouPorn does really well is organizing its collection of fantasy role-play porn. You’ll have no trouble sorting through the site’s categories, and you might be pleasantly surprised at the variety of unique titles. As for its content, you have the option to view clips, full-length films, live cams, and live sex in its tabs. Enjoy access to hundreds of channels like broke amateurs and bratty sis, as well as the site’s many featured and familiar performers. All videos are uploaded in HD and are available to download. In terms of free amateur facial porn sites, YouPorn has definitely mastered the subtleties of delivering a great experience during each visit.

Sci-Fi Dream Girls

We’re proud to include the only fembot site on this list: Sci-Fi Dream Girls. You might have seen this studio as an add-on channel on bigger porn sites, or even scored a clip of a clip from a popular free porn site, but rest assured, you’ve only grazed the tip of the surface of what this site offers. If you’ve never had the pleasure of viewing any of Sci-Fi Dream Girls content, or if this is your first time hearing about it, I’m sure you’re the envy of quite a few people right now. Experiencing the web’s only fembot video site is something that Sci-Fi lovers everywhere wish they could do for the first time all over again. The site boasts over 35 videos and clips of android women all catering to your specific technological sexual proclivity. What this site does well is deliver an interesting series of storylines that all tie together while spanning several hard-hitting categories like lesbian fembots, muscular fembots, real dolls, and even humans having sex with robots. While the site layout seems a little outdated and can be slightly confusing to navigate, the content is truly out of this world!

Bellesa

This one is for the porn connoisseurs who’ve been searching for roleplaying sex videos that looks…well, real! If the usual scripted sex scene just isn’t cutting it anymore, Bellesa Films is tailor-made for you. The site’s original videos and full-length films are shot by women for women and focus on female pleasure. Get ready for a lot of steamy action with a much sweeter delivery. No more obviously fake O’s or foreplay that makes you cringe. Bellesa Films brings the tension and passion with every scene, leaving you sweaty and breathless after. The site boasts top categories such as female orgasms, couples, group sex, fingering, and ass play. But for more specific videos (like fantasy roleplay sex) you’re better off searching by keyword. One visit to Bellesa, and you’ll never look back.

Adult Time

Winner of over 34 awards in 2020, including Paysite of the Year from XBIZ, Adult Time is quickly becoming one of the top mega-sites around. With over 100 channels, 50,000 episodes, five new releases per day, and a mix of original and curated content, Adult Time is almost too much porn. Spanning full-length movies to themed scenes, Adult Time offers a little bit of everything, so you’ll have no problem finding what you crave. Adult Time’s award-winning original content is augmented by scenes from Vivid, Girlsway, Burning Angel, and other top companies. It even features an incredibly diverse range of performers. Adult Time is one of the best deals in porn.

Digital Playground

At first glance, Digital Playground is a no-brainer for work fantasy porn. With thousands of scenes ranging from today to the mid-90s, Digital Playground’s library is hard to beat. If you’re into mainstream porn its mix of wild threesomes, lesbian scenes, and fantasy hookups is world-class. A new movie featuring five scenes is uploaded every month, along with a three scene web series. Few sites give you this many new and classic porn stars, from Adriana Chechik to Jesse Jane. The only downside is the incredible $20 extra per month it charges for downloads.

Burning Angel

This site is completely dedicated to alternative style and tattooed models and was founded by performer Joanna Angel. Inside, you’ll find all the tattooed goths, punks, emos, skaters, and more participating in all the roleplaying porn and sexual acts you love to see. If you’re familiar with the major porn streaming service AdultTime, then you’ll be happy to know that it acquired the Burning Angel studio, so along with your Burning Angel membership you’ll have access to all 55,000+ videos in the AdultTime library. The Burning Angel site alone, however, is home to over 2000 videos and has been the recipient of multiple awards, including the 2020 winner for best action/thriller and best comedy sex scene. It also offers over 70 categories and over 100 models and pornstars including the likes of Abella Danger, Bree Daniels, and more. If you’ve been looking for true alt porn, what better place to look then the site that ushered in the movement!

House of Taboo

House of Taboo is the king of all things kink, fetish, and roleplay sex videos. The site is a refreshing one in a surprising way. There are no options to filter via category, or model specs; however, you can filter by recently uploaded, most popular, featured videos, and trending. What I love about this feature is that it really solidifies the site’s brand. There are no separate categories or delineating filters because it is a kink/fetish site, so that’s all the content you’ll get. For those that might be a little less excited about that than I am, it warrants mentioning that there is an advanced search bar if you’re really in the mood for watching a specific kink or fetish.

Because this site is so great at its craft, and uploads happen quite frequently, it is one of the only sites to offer a lifetime membership. I would recommend taking advantage of the three day trial at 33 cents a day to determine if this is the site for you. If quality kink is your thing, and you’re tired of searching daily for the perfect videos to satisfy your hunger, House of Taboo is the place you should call home.

Kink.com

Adult roleplay porn lovers rejoice! This site will be your new go-to for all things sticky, fetish, and kink. This is the first of sites on the list to offer the option to filter by sexual orientation before you even enter the site, with the options to choose either straight, gay, or both. As you might have assumed from the name, Kink.com specializes in videos with hardcore sex, kinks, and fetishes. It hosts content from 30+ popular studios, totaling over 12,000 videos on the site. The most impressive thing about the videos, however, is that they all run at least 45 minutes long, with most running feature-length. It’s not normal to have that many videos available of that length if you think about it–it almost doubles the number of videos since you’re probably not going to watch a full-length film every time you go on the site. As well as providing an extensive library of content, Kink.com offers a cam site, VR site, and shop where you can purchase lingerie and toys ranging in value. This is truly your one-stop-shop for all things kink and fetish.

Sssh.com

Sssh.com is the longest running roleplay porn site for women and for good reason! Its films are ethically produced, sex positive, and put focus on female pleasure (not just male!). The site’s original movies have also been the recipients of several prestigious film awards, so it seems like every feature in this site is a huge draw. Although Sssh doesn’t allow non-members to browse the video selection offered, the slideshow on the homepage will give you an idea of what can be expected when you sign up for a membership. Sssh’s exclusive original movies, performers, and erotic photo galleries have garnered enough attention to make this site too juicy to overlook.

Wicked Pictures

For nearly 30 years Wicked Pictures has been one of the biggest names in fantasy roleplay sex. While still active in retail, the company’s website is an incredible resource for fans. Featuring over 5,500 scenes and 1,000 full movies, the sheer amount of content available is stunning. Beyond its incredible original hardcore scenes, Wicked is one of the few porn sites with educational content with classes in everything from fellatio to BDSM for Beginners. Wicked is an incredible deal, starting at just $19.99 for streaming.

PinkLabel.TV

PinkLabel has established itself as one of the heavy hitters in amateur roleplay porn videos. Created by the director and founder of Pink and White Productions, Shine Houston, the site hosts over 50 different indie porn studios (including Erica Lust, Pink and White Productions, and many more). PinkLabel’s communities are comprised of queer, trans, POC, seniors, and people with disabilities. The people behind the site understand porn markets go beyond the stereotypes and do their part in showcasing underrepresented groups in the adult film industry.

This ethical hosting site offers a premium membership featuring a curated collection of hundreds of titles, unlimited access to the films, and a permanent streaming library. All memberships help support PinkLabel’s own featured independent directors and studios. So if you’re looking to whet your appetite with various high-quality films showcasing diversity in porn made by and for minorities in the industry, PinkLabel is your best bet.

Crash Pad Series

From Shine Houston comes the Crash Pad Series, based on Houston’s cult classic original film The Crash Pad. This series follows the original plot with all episodes based in a San Francisco apartment that’s dedicated to hosting queer sex events. In my opinion, the best feature of this site is the content. In terms of diversity and real sex, you can’t do better than the Crash Pad series. The models are natural beauties in all shapes and sizes from all backgrounds, sexual identities, orientations, and races. To top it all off, the chemistry is so intense it almost feels like an out of body experience. There are over 300 episodes in the series and each episode contains its own behind the scenes footage. Members also have access to the library of feature-length films, including the original CrashPad movie that inspired the series.

In an unprecedented move, Crash Pad Series features a “hide” toggle, so before you go sifting through all the glorious porn, you can choose to filter and hide videos that contain scenes with ejaculation, consensual rough sex (including choking, flogging, spitting, slapping, etc.), fisting, BDSM, anal play (anal penetration, rimming, butt plugs, etc.), strap-ons and wearable vibrators.

Sex Art

SexArt is unique in the sense that this site has so many avenues of exploration. Not only does it host amazing full-length soft porn films, but SexArt also hosts live cam streams, chats, and a blog for people looking to up their knowledge of all things sexual. SexArt produces films that are sensual beyond belief and exclusive to this site. Expect plot-heavy films, high-quality sets, and explosive on-screen chemistry. With multiple weekly updates in an already large collection of videos, you’ll never be without new content. Signing up with only your email address will award you with daily updates and featured model bios and the ability to view three films for free! Premium memberships grant you access to live cams, the blog, and the gallery images on the site.

Sex Babes VR

Sex Babes VR’s biggest selling point is the sheer number of up and coming performers it features and its growing category of POV roleplay porn. Every time you log on it feels like you’re discovering someone new. It adds to the fantasy when it’s not someone famous. It helps make up for the generic plots of their otherwise incredibly hot scenes. In particular, Sex Babes VR shine with their immersive camera angles. Memberships come with around 300 VR scenes with a new one added every week.

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Here’s How You Can Talk To Your Partner About Your Fetish

by Neeta Karnik

“Tie me up and tell me your dreams.”

We wish it were that easy to tell our partners about our fetishes. But sometimes, the confidence takes a back seat, and we end up breaking in sweats, dismissing the idea of opening up to our partner. Don’t worry; if you have experienced such a moment, it is completely understandable. This is something that does require courage as you are opening up about something that you are vulnerable about. So to help you, here are a few ways that you can talk to your partner about your fetishes.

1. Communicate Your Trust

It is best to tell your partner that you find this topic sensitive, and it has taken a lot of courage to be open about it. You can also tell your partner that you trust them, but there is a small part of you that fears that you will be judged. This way, you are letting them know about your insecurities of being perceived differently, and you are hoping that they will be more mindful of their words.

2. Start Small

While you may have the kinkiest fantasies, you may also want to go slow when it comes to revealing them and see how your partner is accepting the news. Moreover, try not to joke about it to make the situation light. There was a time when I was so nervous about telling my partner about my sex-adventures that I added, “Just kidding!” at the end. This further confused my partner. So it is best to leave the jokes aside and talk about it in a simple manner by revealing your least kinky fantasies first and then breaking the big ones once your partner is in the zone for it.

3. Try Mutual Disclosure

If you are feeling a little overwhelmed, try asking your partner to talk about his/her fantasies so that you can feel comfortable disclosing yours. This way, you will feel more confident in revealing your fetish to your partner. If you want, you both can try writing it down, and then exchanging notes.

Just like all of us experience emotions in our unique way; similarly, our sexual experiences are also unique to us and having a fetish is completely normal. Don’t worry; your partner will be understanding of your desires in bed. Besides, it never hurt anyone to be creative in the bedroom, with consent!

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What’s your fetish: Role-playing

By Shay Rego

Fetishes may seem like a taboo subject, but they’re much more common than we may think. In one Canadian study’s population sample, they found that nearly half of their participants admitted to having a fetish. 

College students’ curiosity and sexual exploration can increase curiosity in fetishism. From a sample of college students in a study conducted by Harvard, 22% said they were interested in fetishes and 43% said they have or believe they have a fetish.

Fetishism is defined as a form of sexual behavior in which gratification is linked to an abnormal object, activity, part of the body, etc.

There are many different categories that span the fetishism criteria, and each category has multiple subcategories within it. Many fetishes can overlap with other fetishes. For now, I will discuss the fetish of role-playing and its various subcategories, from the familiar to the rare.

Sexual role-play means to act out a fantasy while engaging in a sexual activity, and, usually, each person plays a different character or persona.

Classic or uniform role-play

Classic or uniform role-playing refers to the characterization of oneself apart from who they really are. For example, one person plays the corrupt doctor while the partner plays the naughty nurse.

Aside from vanilla sex, which might just include changing positions, this type of role-playing is the most common. It may or may not include dressing up in a corresponding costume to make the situation more lifelike, or it may simply be a mental game.

Furries

While there are many definitions for a furry, a more generic definition is “one who has an interest (small or large) of anthropomorphic animals (animals who have human qualities, be it simply talking or having a human-like body).”

While not everyone associated with the furry fandom uses their furry persona for sex, some do partake in fursuit sex. Fursuit sex is having sex with at least one partner dressed in full furry costume. Some enjoy furry sex because they enjoy who their fursona allows them to be, and some others report enjoying fursuit sex because of a related fetish, such as plushophilia.

If this piques your interest at all, check out The Chateau in Colorado Springs.

No matter the fetish, we should not pass judgment on someone else’s erotica. whatever you’re into, just remember to always play safe.

Forniphilia

Forniphilia, or human furniture role-play, is one of the more uncommon fetishes. Forniphilia includes using someone as a form of furniture, whether it be a table, a cabinet, etc. Reasons for wanting to become furniture for sex include getting sexual satisfaction from being objectified or humiliated as a form of feeling dominated, feeling of service to your partner or other personal reasons. Some also include bondage in forniphilia, but not all do.

Alternative sexuality fetish robots

Alternative sexuality fetish robots, or robot fetishism, refers to people who have a sexual attraction to a humanoid robot. Those in the community sometimes refer to themselves as “technosexuals.”

ASFR could also be a cross-over between statuephilia or mechanophilia, since it doesn’t always have to be a person dressed like a robot. It could also be non-humanoid robotics.

Paraphilic infantilism

This may be one of the most extreme forms of role-play. Paraphilic infantilism is a role-play that involves a desire for an adult to regress into a baby. Behaviors may include drinking out of a bottle, creating a playroom or wearing diapers. Possible causes for interest in infantilism could be due to psychological trauma that happened at a young age, a power move or an actual disorder caused by something biological.

The length and extent of absolutely all of the role-playing subcategories can be virtually endless. Categories are connected or lead to other fetishes within themselves. Fetishism can be complex and have many layers.

No matter the fetish, we should not pass judgment on someone else’s erotica. Whatever you’re into, just remember to always play safe.

This is the first of a series of articles dedicated to fetishisms.

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