Category: Limerence

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It turns out your sex life has a shelf life

— And it’s shorter than you think

Heard of limerance?

By Ebony Leigh

The term ‘honeymoon phase’ gets thrown around like an imaginary wonderland full of sex, sunshine and satisfaction.

But according to science, it’s very real and there’s a very real reason why it’s called a phase, because apparently there’s an exact time frame when your sex life drops off.

What is limerance?

“Limerence is that early stage of a relationship where it’s almost like an obsession that you feel with a new relationship energy,” somatic sexologist Alice Child tells Body+Soul.

“There are a lot of chemical changes which are happening in the brain and in the body in that new period of time in the relationship which can feel pretty obsessive.

“You think about that person all of the time and there’s also so much uncertainty, so much newness, so much tension and so much novelty, and that acts as really good fuel for arousal and libido.”

So no wonder the sex can be out of this world, filled with “really erotic and experimental” time under the sheets and “really connective intimacy”. 

When does limerance wear off?

But given its volatility, it’s no surprise that limerence has an expiration date. And when the limerance wears off, so too can the sexual drive in a relationship, which Childs says can fall between six months and two years.

“For some people, they start to notice that the part of their relationship that was so exciting, so experimentative and so passionate has taken a backseat, and they don’t really know why or what to do about it,” Child explains.

It’s something she hears about a lot from her clients, but says there’s a good reason why it happens.

Why does sex drive have an expiry date? 

“We as humans, on the one hand, really want love, security, stability and no uncertainty, and that’s where relationships start to go over a longer period of time as you get more and more committed, build up more and more trust, and get to know each other better and better,” she says.

“But on the other hand, we have this human desire for adventure, novelty, newness, uncertainty and drama, and that’s where the erotic lives.

“You can then understand why, when you’re in a relationship and really prioritising this idea of two becoming one and removing all of the uncertainty, that your sex life can suffer.”

So, how can you keep the spark alive?

4 ways to keep the sexual spark alive

#1. Put yourself first

For couples moving through the honeymoon phase, Child’s first piece of advice is not to stop prioritising yourself, and to spend time apart.

“Any sort of connection needs some sort of separateness in order to happen so give yourself some time to miss each other,” she explains. Which also gives you time for you.

“Prioritise your own friendships, your own hobbies, your own things that make you who you are, and remember why your partner found you attractive and why you found them attractive in the early days,” Child says.

“Then ask yourself, are you both still prioritising those things that make you who you are, even though you’re now in this beautiful, committed relationship?”

#2. Find your erotic core

The next step is “getting under the hood of what works”, Child says, which basically involves quizzing each other on what you like together.

“So think, ‘What’s really hot for us, what do we love and what turns us on?’,” Child recommends And then go one step deeper and ask, ‘Oh, what’s so hot about that?’

That, she says, is the key to eternal sexual satisfaction.

“That’s how you can get to the [root] of what’s called your core erotic theme, and that is really the answer to how to have hot sex year after year after year after year, even in a 20 year marriage,” Child explains.

“You’ve got to really understand your own erotic brain and your partner’s erotic brain and really understand each other so you don’t don’t ever run out of ideas.”

#3. Stay curious

Of course, the erotic brain can change over time as “you get exposed to new turn ons, new ideas, new fantasies and new things,” Child says.

“So really get into a habit of after sex turning to each other and saying, ‘What was your favourite bit? Why was that so hot? And what was fun about that for you?’.

Whatever you do, she adds, don’t lose that “curious mindset”, because we’re constantly learning about each other and ourselves.

“It can be so easy in a long term relationship to think you know each other really and you do, but that’s when things become really routine or habitual,” Child explains.

“And that’s when things start feeling boring, so keep that beginner’s curious mindset, like ‘What more can we discover? What does that mean next time?’”

#4. Try new things

Spicing it up with a sex toy can be a real game changer for what goes on in the bedroom and in your erotic mind.

“There’s such amazing products out there now that the simple act of bringing in a new toy is enough to bring that curious mindset back,” says the sexologist, who has developed an intimacy course called Pillow Play to help couples learn new skills and increase their connection, chemistry and communication.

“It’s like ‘Oh, what’s it going to feel like? What’s it going to do? Are you going to use it on me? Am I going to use it on you?’.”

It’s all about getting back to that ‘trying new things’ headspace, Child says, along with “beautiful new sensations and beautiful new fantasies.”

But why stop at toys?

“You know, reading erotic fiction and listening to audio porn, all of these things can give you new ideas and again afterwards you can ask yourselves, ‘What part of that was exciting for me? Why was that exciting? How could I bring that into our sex life?’.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is Lovesickness?

— And How Do You Actually Cure It

The prescription calls for watching “The Notebook.” On repeat.

BY

Picture this: It’s 3 a.m., and instead of blissfully snoozing beneath your sleep mask (…or adding a bunch of viral TikTok finds to your cart), you’re deep in the trenches of your feelings, wrestling with the kind of heartache no amount of beauty sleep or online shopping can heal. Welcome to the not-so-exclusive club of the lovesick, bb, where the main activities include over-analyzing text messages, obsessing about ~the one that got away~, and wondering if your soulmate is really out there. Bleak, right? That’s because, hi, lovesickness is a real thing, and unfortunately for all of us, it hurts like hell.

“Lovesickness describes the intense emotional and physical experiences associated with romantic love,” says Sarah Hill, PhD, a research psychologist and consultant for Cougar Life, specializing in women’s health and sexual psychology. “The symptoms resemble those of a physical illness because of the profound links between the mind and body.” You can’t eat, you can’t sleep, you feel depressed, and the thought of doing anything other than crying in bed and watching Love is Blind seems impossible. Sound familiar?

Even though the term isn’t a recognized medical diagnosis, Hill stresses that it’s a very real, very painful mental ailment. To put it bluntly, being lovesick makes it feel like your heart got hit by a semi-truck. Whether you’re trying to get over a breakup, grappling with unrequited love, or coming to terms with a going-nowhere situationship, lovesickness isn’t just for the dramatically inclined—it’s a legit rollercoaster of physical and emotional symptoms that can leave even the strongest among us reeling.

The silver lining? While lovesickness is your body and mind grappling with loss, remember, you’re not spiraling alone—you’ve got us! And with the help of relationship pros, we’re breaking down every damn thing you need to know about lovesickness, from what it is to how to heal. Stick with us, y’all, because happier days are on the horizon, no matter how lovesick you feel rn.

What Actually *Is* Lovesickness?

As the name suggests, lovesickness is the feeling of being “sick” due to the loss or lack of romantic love. Again, it’s not an official medical or clinical condition, but holistic relationship coach Alexandra Roxo stresses just how uncomfortable the experience can be.< “It’s the point where emotional pain turns to physical pain after going through a breakup, heartbreak, or a separation,” she says. While heartbreak—an existential experience—makes you feel sad, Roxo says the difference is that lovesickness is usually described as the physiological response to that heartbreak. Feeling lovesick means you might find it hard to eat, sleep, work, or even have fun. Food might lose its taste, music might sound flat, and you might even experience real symptoms of clinical depression and anxiety. So, no! You’re not being dramatic! Your body *literally* feels sick from lost love, dammit!

The term is sometimes mistaken for limerence—an obsessive form of love—but lovesickness primarily stems from the absence of love, triggering a feeling similar to that experienced from addictive substances. “Being lovesick can feel akin to the withdrawal symptoms from opioid drugs,” Hill explains, “As both scenarios involve a lack of stimulus that usually activates the brain’s reward centers, leading to a dopamine withdrawal.”

While this all sounds, frankly, miserable, it’s important to note that feeling lovesick is actually totally normal. “Both lovesickness and heartbreak can be intense and distressing emotional experiences, but they are also natural responses to the complexities of relationships,” Hill says. Knowing how to heal is key, and curing your lovesickness is possible. Promise.

What Are the Signs and Symptoms of Lovesickness?

Feeling lovesick isn’t just about wallowing in your feelings post-breakup (but, like, that’s totally valid too). According to Hill and Roxo, the symptoms of lovesickness can—and likely will—vary from person to person, ranging from mood swings to sleeplessness to yearning for your former partner. Sometimes, you might feel fine, and other times, you feel like you’re on autopilot or have a hard time functioning in daily life.

So, if you find yourself wanting to call out of work because your heart literally hurts, there’s a chance you’re feeling lovesick. While the signs of lovesickness aren’t always obvious, here’s what the pros say to look out for:

  • Difficulty sleeping: Your love interest’s absence can disrupt your sleep cycle, making it hard to fall or stay asleep.
  • Restlessness and anxiety: A constant state of unease, especially after the breakup or when exposed to triggers? Check.
  • Inability to concentrate: Your thoughts might be consumed by your partner or your breakup, distracting you from any and all tasks at hand.
  • Increased tearfulness: You might find yourself crying over songs, random memories, or simply out of nowhere. Inconvenient, sure, but normal.
  • Pain or tension in the chest: This can be a physical manifestation of your emotional pain (but if it persists, feels uncomfortable, or intensifies, reach out to your doctor ASAP).
  • Mood and appetite changes: Swings in mood and changes in appetite are A Real Response, often leading to eating too little or too much.
  • Obsessive thoughts and idealization: You may find yourself putting the relationship on a pedestal or obsessing over what went wrong.

Understanding these symptoms is the first step toward healing, and can empower you to take steps toward recovery and eventually find balance and happiness again. Because, yes! You will be happy again!

How Do You Heal from Lovesickness?

Dealing with lovesickness can feel like you’re wading through emotional quicksand, but there *are* effective ways to pull yourself out and move forward. Let’s break down some expert-backed strategies to heal from lovesickness and find your footing again.

Be Kind to Yourself.

First and foremost, be gentle with yourself. Lovesickness can take a toll not just emotionally, but physically too. Roxo suggests giving yourself plenty of extra TLC. Eat soothing foods, take bubble baths, get a massage, or cuddle with your pet for some quality physical touch. Don’t be afraid to feel your feelings—so cue up that sad playlist or watch some breakup movies—but Roxo says to schedule something uplifting afterward (like coffee with a pal) to help balance your emotions.

Set Boundaries…and Stick To Them.

As hard as it might be to delete a number or block an account, Hill emphasizes the importance of the whole out-of-sight, out-of-mind thing. Delete the pics, toss the mementos, and try to keep contact to an absolute minimum. Setting healthy boundaries for yourself—whatever that looks like to you—during this time is key, and once you’ve decided that you’re not going to talk to your ex and that you’re going to avoid stalking their socials, stick to it!

Sweat It Out.

I realize working out whilst sad sounds like agony, but physical activity can actually be a crucial component of healing. “Exercise, especially cardio, can significantly improve your brain chemistry, helping to alleviate the fog of lovesickness,” Roxo says. She recommends incorporating upbeat music into your workouts to elevate your mood further.

Have Fun. Seriously.

Since lovesickness is often a dopamine withdrawal, rediscovering joy and pleasure outside of your romantic relationships is crucial to overcoming the ailment. Whether it’s picking up a new hobby, going on a trip, or reading everything trending on BookTok, find fun new activities to look forward to. And if the idea of a rebound relationship sounds alluring (which is okay!), Hill suggests taking things slow and dating people different from your former partner. “Opening yourself up to new experiences can encourage healing,” says Hill.

Ask For Help.

Remember, it’s more than okay to ask for help during this challenging time. Whether it’s a friend or a professional, having someone to act as a sounding board and uplift you when you feel low is paramount. In fact, Roxo encourages reaching out to a therapist or coach who can support you through this transition. “This period of pain could very well be a pivotal moment leading to a breakthrough in your love life,” she says. What’s important is taking proactive steps towards recovery, allowing yourself to grieve, and gradually opening your heart to the possibility of love again.

How Long Does Lovesickness Last?

The truth is, there’s no universal clock for recovering from lovesickness. Some of us might shake it off in a few weeks, while others might be in the trenches for far longer. As Roxo puts it, “The acute symptoms usually start to chill out after a week or two, but really, lovesickness fades in time, depending on how you deal with it.”

While you might wish for a magic potion to speed up the process (don’t we all?), everyone mends at their own pace. It’s a journey, but trust the process. Your heart didn’t come with a fast-forward button, but it’s equipped with resilience and the capacity to heal. You got this.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The 3 Types Of Sexual Passion

By Mark Travers

Sexual passion refers to the sexual desire individuals experience either independently or with a partner. It encompasses the intense emotional and physical attraction, excitement and arousal partners often feel towards each other in romantic or sexual relationships.

Sexual passion can vary in intensity and importance for different individuals and relationships. In relationships where mutual sexual desire holds significant importance, one’s “sexual passion style” has a vital influence on the well-being of the relationship.

A 2019 study suggests that there are three types of sexual passion that affect individuals and relationship outcomes in distinct ways. Here they are, along with their unique consequences for relationships.

1. Obsessive Sexual Passion

Obsessive sexual passion represents an intense preoccupation with sexual thoughts and desires, potentially to the detriment of other aspects of a relationship. Individuals with this style may prioritize sexual attraction and fulfillment over emotional connection, which can lead to relationship conflicts or dissatisfaction.

Here, an individual’s behaviors and sexual motivations feel externally controlled rather than driven by internal values, desires or autonomy. Often, the sexual norms or scripts they follow are shaped by environmental influences rather than authentic personal preferences. Such individuals may feel controlled by their sexual passion rather than in control of it. Unsurprisingly, the obsessive sexual passion style has been associated with compulsive levels of pornography consumption.

2. Inhibited Sexual Passion

Like the obsessive style, inhibited sexual passion is also primarily determined by external influences. This style is characterized by a suppression or inhibition of sexual desires and thoughts.

Individuals with inhibited sexual passion styles may experience difficulty or discomfort expressing their sexual needs or desires due to personal insecurities, societal pressures or past negative experiences. For instance, their sexual passion may be controlled by a fear of rejection or sexual stigma as a result of their upbringing. This inhibition can lead to a lack of sexual fulfillment and potentially strain relationship dynamics.

3. Harmonious Sexual Passion

Harmonious sexual passion signifies a healthy, balanced integration of sexual passion within a relationship. Unlike obsessive and inhibited types, this style is based on internal motivations while experiencing a strong desire for intimacy and connection with one’s partner.

Individuals with harmonious sexual passion styles view sexuality positively, are comfortable with and open about their desires while being respectful and attentive to their partner’s boundaries and preferences. The emphasis here is on a mutually satisfying sexual connection that complements the emotional bond within a relationship without becoming overpowering or detrimental.

Research shows that harmonious sexual passion is associated with lower levels of impulsivity and shyness. This style emerges when individuals consciously choose and internalize sexual norms, values and scripts that align with their sense of self.

Why Harmonious Sexual Passion Is The Best Kind

A harmonious sexual passion style is the healthiest approach for couples as it is driven by self-awareness, true consent and mutual respect. The understanding of one’s own sexuality and sexual desires makes sexual intimacy an empowering activity rather than a space of limited personal agency.

Additionally, researchers of the 2019 study found that harmonious sexual passion is consistently associated with higher levels of sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction, whereas inhibited and obsessive styles are associated with comparatively lower levels of both.

A 2022 study also found that in relationships where men had an obsessive style and perceived their partner as being inhibited, both partners experienced lower levels of sexual satisfaction and negative relationship outcomes.

Notably, according to a 2020 study, higher levels of obsessive and inhibited sexual passion are linked to insecure attachment styles, which refer to patterns of relationship behavior and emotional responses characterized by difficulties in forming trusting and stable connections with others. Research findings indicate that attachment insecurity is associated with lower levels of sexual satisfaction, while demonstrating that harmonious sexual passion is connected to reduced levels of insecure attachment.

Research also suggests that obsessive sexual passion is associated with a tendency for infidelity, an inability to delay gratification, instances of aggression, jealous behavior and intrusive thoughts about sex. In contrast, harmonious passion is associated with experiencing flow states, positive emotions, a higher quality of interpersonal relationships, mental flexibility and a lack of defensiveness or inner conflict.

Conclusion

A harmonious sexual passion style allows individuals to experience personal autonomy and express sexual desire based on internal value systems rather than conditioned attitudes that are not entirely their own. Cultivating harmonious sexual passion requires inner reflection as well as open communication with a partner regarding values, beliefs and desires related to sexuality. It is also essential to prioritize emotional intimacy and connection outside of sexual activities. This harmony not only enhances sexual satisfaction but also contributes to a healthier attachment style, fostering personal growth and laying the foundation for mutually fulfilling and enduring relationships.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Understanding The Science Of Attraction

— The sensation of attraction in those who experience it can feel powerful and mysterious, but researchers have learned some illuminating things about how it works.

By BetterHelp Editorial Team

The feeling of being attracted to someone involves your physical senses, your hormones, your nerves, and even your immune system. It can be sparked by a wide variety of cues, from the shape of another person’s face to the particular way they smell. Keep reading for a more detailed look at what science can tell us about the factors that may draw two people who experience romantic and/or sexual attraction together.

The Science Of Attraction: The Basics

To start, let’s take a closer look at what’s actually happening in your body when you feel that first rush of attraction to someone else. The initial surge of excitement appears to involve a complex balancing act between the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems. The sympathetic system is the “fight-or-flight” mechanism, and it’s what makes your heart race and your pulse pound when you’re looking at someone you desire.

Research suggests that a moderate amount of sympathetic nervous activity may be necessary for the initial stages of arousal, but that too much or too little can suppress desire. This might explain why watching a scary movie when you know you’re safe can be a fun date night, or why activities that make your heart race can increase feelings of attraction. The parasympathetic system, then, is more associated with relaxation and pleasure. It’s involved in many of the physical changes in the body during sex, such as genital swelling and releasing of sexual fluids.

The early stages of arousal also often cause your blood to pump faster and your pupils to dilate. They may increase your skin’s conductivity too, which is perhaps why attraction can feel so electric. Then, as two people become better acquainted and their intimacy deepens, dopamine-mediated pathways in their brains may become more active. These systems are associated with rewards, habit formation, and even addiction, and they may be what prompts people who are falling in love to obsess over their partners and feel a rush of pleasure just from being near them.

Specific Factors Involved In Attraction

Extensive research has been done into why people are more attracted to some individuals than others. While there’s still plenty to learn, you can read on for an overview of some key research in this area.

The Role Of Immediate First Impressions

We’ve all seen cartoons or movies where a person spots someone they find good-looking and their jaw drops and eyes widen, conveying instant attraction. Though it doesn’t normally happen quite like this, research suggests that our brains do make very rapid judgments about who we find attractive.

In a study conducted at Trinity College in Dublin, researchers briefly showed participants images of possible dating partners. Later, they were given the opportunity to actually interact with the people in the photos during a speed-dating event. Their snap judgments during the four seconds they spent looking at the photos turned out to be good predictors of who they would go on to click with in conversation.

Brain scans pointed to two areas that seemed critical for making these judgments about attractiveness. One is a structure called the paracingulate cortex, which appears to be involved in social evaluation. It tended to light up when viewing photos of people that the majority of participants rated as attractive. Another area, the rostromedial prefrontal cortex, seemed to activate more for people that weren’t attractive to the majority but sparked a particular viewer’s interest.

The Role Of Eye Contact

While a quick glance at another person’s face may be enough to spark attraction, a long, soulful gaze may be important for deepening it. Prolonged eye contact can provoke an experience of intimacy and vulnerability that may be important in forming interpersonal bonds. In a pair of studies conducted in the 1980s, one found that those who exchanged a mutual, unbroken gaze with a participant they didn’t know for two minutes reported a “greater liking” of them than any of the other subjects. The other indicated that existing romantic partners who were assigned the same task reported a “significant increase in feelings of passionate love, dispositional love, and liking for their partner”.

In a related study, researcher Arthur Aron developed a series of 36 increasingly intimate questions that a pair of strangers could ask one another to generate a sense of closeness, which they were to follow by four minutes of prolonged, silent eye contact. His goal was to figure out how to craft the sense of intimacy that can make strangers fall in love. In this initial study, participants left with more positive feelings for each other—and one pair famously went on to get married.

The Role Of Scents

There seems to be a lot more to the science of attraction than visual appeal; smell appears to be another important piece of the puzzle.

Research suggests that, while humans were long considered to have an underdeveloped sense of smell compared to many animals, pheromones may actually play “an important role in the behavioral and reproduction biology of humans”.

Pheromones are chemicals humans naturally secrete that may serve as a form of “olfactory communication”, especially when it comes to attraction.

For instance, androstadienone, a compound present in male sweat, seemed to improve the mood, emotional focus, and sexual arousal of heterosexual women in some experiments. Meanwhile, chemicals called copulins that are found in vaginal secretions seem to provoke higher ratings of female attractiveness to heterosexual males. Copulins also caused men to rate themselves as more attractive to women, suggesting that they might play a role as confidence boosters.

>Another potential component of scent-based attraction may be the immune system. Some studies have indicated that heterosexual women may be more likely to be attracted to the body odor of men whose genes for certain types of immune cells are different from their own. There could be an evolutionary advantage in this behavior, because a child with more diversity in their immune system may be able to fight off a greater variety of diseases.

Attraction And Fertility

From an evolutionary perspective, all sexual behavior is aimed at producing offspring. That may be why studies have found that people of multiple genders find women’s faces more attractive when they’re ovulating. There appear to be subtle changes in appearance associated with this part of the menstrual cycle that can be detected even in photos. Another experiment showed a similar effect on body odor, with men preferring the smell of women’s clothes during the most fertile part of their cycles. Even women’s voices may shift during ovulation, sounding more attractive to heterosexual men.

Similarly, experiments suggest that women’s preferences for more masculine facial shapes and their corresponding body odors change with their cycle. Heterosexual women might be more likely to feel attraction in response to symmetrical faces and masculine-coded looks when their fertility is at its peak. However, these preferences appeared to be strongest when considering people for short-term relationships; fertility didn’t appear to have an effect on perceptions of possible long-term partners.

If the menstrual cycle can affect perceptions of attractiveness, however, can birth control pills do the same? There is some evidence that by changing the body chemistry of ovulation and menstruation, hormonal birth control can affect a person’s preferences for romantic partners. Scientific evidence on the topic includes:

  • Its effects on facial feature selection: A study of 170 heterosexual couples found that women taking birth control pills were more likely to pair up with men whose faces were less stereotypically masculine. 
  • Its effects on selection for body odor: Other experiments found that heterosexual women’s preferences for male body odor depended on whether they were using hormonal contraception. 
  • Its effects on sexual satisfaction: There’s even evidence suggesting that some women who start or stop using birth control pills during a relationship could be more likely to become less sexually satisfied and less attracted to their current partner.

Getting Support For Your Romantic Life

If you’re facing challenges in dating or in your romantic relationships, you may benefit from professional support. Many people find that meeting with a therapist is a helpful way to uncover patterns of attraction, sort through emotions related to a partner, and develop useful dating and relationship skills such as boundary setting and conflict resolution. A cognitive behavioral therapist in particular can also help you unearth any distorted thoughts you may have about your own attractiveness or ability to form relationships and shift them in a healthier direction for better potential outcomes.

If the thought of meeting with a provider in person for support with your romantic life seems awkward or intimidating, you might consider seeking guidance virtually instead. With a virtual therapy platform like BetterHelp, you can get matched with a licensed provider who you can meet with via phone, video call, and/or in-app messaging from the comfort of your home. Since a comprehensive analysis of past studies including more than 10,000 participants concluded that there was “no difference in effectiveness” between face-to-face and web-based counseling, you can feel confident in whichever method you choose.

Takeaway

Romantic and sexual attraction may involve countless subtle factors, from the sound of a person’s voice to the makeup of their immune system. The initial spark can happen in a matter of seconds, while lasting intimacy and compatibility take more time to develop.

Why do I feel so drawn to someone I barely know?

Although “love at first sight” may not always happen in real life, scientific research has found that we tend to judge people’s attractiveness quickly based on first impressions. For example, in the Trinity College study mentioned earlier in this article, scientists led an experiment to study the role of first impressions in attraction. They briefly showed participants pictures of potential partners before letting them interact at a speed dating event. They found that people’s brain activity from seeing the photos for just four seconds tended to predict who they would connect with during the actual date. This may explain why it’s possible to feel instantly attracted to someone you don’t know very well.

What causes strong physical attraction?

Certain features of people’s bodies, like facial symmetry and youthfulness, can play a role in physical attraction, but physical beauty is not the only component. Chemicals like sex hormones, pheromones, and neurotransmitters can also cause you to become physically attracted to someone. Although these factors may not be consciously noticeable, they can play a large role in sexual desire and perceptions of physical attractiveness.

Can you sense when someone is attracted to you?

Although there may not always be an easy way to tell if someone finds you attractive, a few physical cues that may be signs of interest include:

  • Using open body language
  • Maintaining eye contact
  • Seeking physical touch
  • Smiling
  • Asking you about yourself
  • Looking for ways to spend more time with you

That said, it can be important to avoid making assumptions about someone’s interest, as different people may show attraction in different ways.

How do you know if you’re actually attracted to someone?

Some common physical signs that you may be attracted to someone include:

  • Jitters or restlessness
  • Blushing
  • Sweating
  • A rise in body temperature
  • Rapid breathing or a rapid heartbeat

If you’re attracted to someone, you may also experience feelings of anticipation or excitement. You might notice a desire to spend more time with them or find yourself thinking about them often. Spending more time with them can also provide insight into your level of attraction. That said, not everyone may experience attraction the same way.

What happens in your brain when you are attracted to someone?

When you’re attracted to someone, certain brain regions, like the hypothalamus, the nucleus accumbens, and the ventral tegmental area, tend to activate. This can cause the release of oxytocin, the so-called “cuddle hormone,” and other chemicals related to physical desire and sexual gratification. Growing closer to someone can also trigger dopamine release, leading to feelings of pleasure and making you want to spend more time with them. Serotonin and norepinephrine, two other chemicals, may be responsible for the sense of well-being and excitement you might feel when you’re together.

These are just a few examples of the role the brain can play in attraction.

Why do we fall in love scientifically?

A complex set of factors can contribute to feelings of romantic love.

It may be worth remembering that humans originally evolved to find romantic partners to reproduce and raise offspring with. Therefore, initial attraction is often tied to a partner’s fertility and the survival chances of their potential offspring.

Through spending time with a possible partner and getting to know them better, other factors may come into play, such as personality traits, interests, and common principles. Hormones, pheromones, cultural norms, and timing may also play a role over the course of a romantic relationship. That said, love can be highly individual, and not all these factors may affect people the same way.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Can You Be Addicted To Love?

— Here’s What We Know

Being ‘hooked’ on love can cause unhealthy relationship patterns and obsessive thoughts

When you hear the term ”love addiction,” you may think of a storybook character who gulps down a pink, sparkly love potion and suddenly finds themselves instantly infatuated with someone.

In most cases, the spell or potion doesn’t last long, and these folktales leave us with a cautionary message: Love, in excess, can become harmful. Rather than be consumed, it’s better to strive for a healthy, balanced relationship where love is reciprocated.

In real life, we navigate love in different ways by going on dating apps, managing the odds of being ghosted or dodging love bombs. But can a passion for someone else actually become addictive? While there’s no definitive research on this topic, psychologists do point out that love — or the pursuit of it — can be the root of other issues like anxiety, depression and unhealthy relationship patterns.

In other words, if you feel like love can make you obsessive, you’re not alone. Real-life love can be complicated stuff — and it’s never as simple as waiting for the love potion to wear off.

Postdoctoral psychology fellow Gina Gerardo, PhD, talks us through “love addiction” and how you can strengthen your relationship with love.

What is love addiction?

There’s no precise definition for love addiction because it’s not an actual condition as much as it is an abstract concept. After all, you can’t really test love in a lab and see how someone reacts.

But as some research has explored, you can make note of how relationships affect our lives, both physically and mentally. A 2023 review described love addiction — sometimes called relationship addiction or obsessive love disorder — as an overwhelming and compulsive longing for love, attention and affection from others.

It can look like developing feelings toward specific people in an unhealthy or extreme way, or as constantly seeking out romantic partners.

While love addiction isn’t an official diagnosis in the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), Dr. Gerardo points out that the term can help define certain relationship problems or emotional issues you could experience.

“If someone finds that love is becoming particularly distressing or disruptive to their lives, it’s worth asking more about it and potentially treating,” she explains. That means while you might never get a diagnosis for love addiction, you can treat the associated behaviors.

In fact, love addiction may not always come across with the behaviors typically associated with addiction. It can also go hand-in-hand with a mood disorder, an obsessive-compulsive disorder or even an impulse-control disorder.

Signs and symptoms of love addiction

If you’re a fan of love songs and romance novels, you may have an idea in your head of the symptoms of love addiction: Feeling empty when the person isn’t there, having to be in touch with the person constantly, having an overwhelming physical reaction when the person is in the room.

And, according to the current research, that’s not too far off.

“One distinction from other types of addictions is that there’s a love object,” clarifies Dr. Gerardo. “As opposed to a substance that people feel is addictive or find that they are dependent on, this would be an object, whether that’s a person or something else, they start to become obsessed with.”

For example, a 2023 study examined how love addiction and unhealthy attachments between adults can lead to intense negative emotions and feelings of low self-worth.

Another study from 2010 study found similarities between extreme passion and substance dependence — from feelings of euphoria when near one’s love object to a negative mood and sleep disturbances when separated.

Symptoms of love addiction can include:

  • Obsessive thoughts. Feeling constantly preoccupied with thoughts of love and romance or the object of your affection. This becomes obsessive when it’s challenging to focus on other aspects of your life.
  • Fear of abandonment. An intense fear of being alone or abandoned, leading to clinging behavior and a constant need for reassurance. You may also experience a sort of “withdrawal” or intrusive thoughts when the significant other isn’t around.
  • Unhealthy relationship patterns. Repeating cycles of intense, short-lived relationships or staying in toxic relationships despite obvious red flags.
  • Neglecting self-care. Prioritizing the needs and desires of the partner over personal well-being and neglecting your own goals, interests and needs.
  • Emotional turmoil. Experiencing highs and lows depending on the state of the current relationship. “You may feel a euphoric feeling that is more than what is normally experienced in romantic relationships,” says Dr. Gerardo.

How love addiction impacts your well-being

When it comes to matters of the heart, it can be difficult to recognize when the love in your life is doing more harm than good.

While symptoms of love addiction can weave into other mental health disorders, they can also magnify existing problems. Some mental health issues associated with love addiction include:

Dr. Gerardo also warns of love addiction affecting your day-to-day life.

“If it’s harming your other relationships with friends and family or if it’s keeping you from other responsibilities like work, taking care of children, keeping up with bills or medical appointments, that’s a sign that there could be a problem,” she says.

How to get help

When dealing with love addiction, you might consider quitting cold turkey, swearing off love and moving to the woods alone. But just like other addictions, an obsessive need for love should be treated with care.

Plus, love is something that’s very important to make us feel fulfilled in our lives. Rather than trying to let it go completely, you can work to find a healthy balance.

Some coping strategies that Dr. Gerardo suggests include:

Open communication

As symptoms of love addiction will usually involve another person, communication is key when it comes to resolving any issues you may be having. You might realize that you’ve been avoiding communicating because of fear or anxiety — but having an open dialogue about your feelings can ultimately bring clarity to your relationship.

“This includes communication with the partner, with yourself and even with friends and family before entering a relationship,” explains Dr. Gerardo.

Specifically with a partner, it’s good to be honest with some of the complicated feelings you’ve been having. This can help you feel more open about what you’re feeling and can clue them into what you might be working through and why.

For example, maybe to deal with feelings of love addiction, you decide to spend more time alone. Communicating this change in your behavior with your partner so they know what your motivations are can help maintain a healthy bond. And if you’re having trouble putting your emotions into words, couples counseling can also be a good option.

Seek other perspectives

One common red flag of any relationship — romantic or otherwise — is if it puts blinders on you from the rest of the world. When this happens, it can be hard to notice any problems or toxic behaviors. Dr. Gerardo recommends popping this “love bubble” by seeking out people in your life to get their points of view.

“If your friends and family notice that these problems are persisting for a long period of time and are getting in the way of all your normal responsibilities and behaviors, then that would be a cue to pump the brakes and communicate your needs with your partner,” she says.

Therapy and counseling

Individual or group therapy can help address underlying issues and learn healthier relationship patterns.

If you feel like love addiction might be affecting your personal health or the health of your relationship, talking with a therapist can help you work through your concerns. A session with a couples counselor or some other kind of group therapy can also help get you and your partner to a healthier and more balanced place.

The bottom line

An addiction to love can definitely have an effect on your well-being. If you find yourself completely engrossed by someone and something to the point that it’s affecting how you eat, sleep or react to stressful situations, it might be time to assess your relationship with love. With focus, outside perspectives and counseling, there are ways to find peace with feelings of love and turn them into a more positive force in your life.

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9 Of The Best Bits Of Relationship Advice We Got From Experts In 2021

By Sarah Regan

For couples who’ve navigated the past year successfully, consider that a major win. Just like 2020, the year 2021 was another case of unpredictability, trials, and tribulations. Without recounting everything that’s gone down in the past year, the point is, there’s no doubt it put relationships to the test.

With buzzwords like “gaslighting” and “codependency” hitting the mainstream, it would appear more and more people are waking up to unhealthy relationship dynamics—and healthy ones—in an effort to improve their relationships.

So, we rounded up some of the best pieces of relationship advice we heard from experts this year so couples can continue to flourish in 2022.

Never stop dancing with each other.

“Dancing is attunement. With dancing, there’s a nonverbal attunement to the rhythm of another, the body of another, the motion of another. It is the one thing you cannot do and be [sad] at the same time. You can paint and cry; you can write and cry; you can listen to music and weep, but you can’t dance and weep. It energizes you. It enlivens you. I’ve spent hours watching elderly couples dance together, and it is grace; it is elegant; it is erotic; it is alive.”

—Esther Perel, psychotherapist and world-renowned relationship expert

One of the best things you can do in your relationship is find the balance between connection and autonomy.

“The two central drives for human beings are autonomy (control of our individuality) and attachment (urge for relationship). Healthy maturation means that we are able to achieve both of these and balance them in our lives. The ability to balance our needs for autonomy and attachment is called differentiation. Differentiation is a biological process that occurs in all species. For humans, it is about becoming more of an individual and a solid person through relationships with others. It is the ability to separate ourselves from others. Differentiation allows us to feel our own subjective reality—bodies, emotions, and thoughts—as separate from another person while being in relationship with another person.”

—Jordan Dann, MFA, L.P., CIRT, licensed psychoanalyst

Yes, there are some instances when you can be friends with an ex—but not always.

“Being friends with your ex can be a good idea when other aspects of the relationship were valuable to your growth, development, or life goals. If you and your ex identify that you make better business partners, workout buddies, or friends, and you are able to maintain healthy boundaries with each other, then creating an authentic friendship could work. If you discover that you or your ex are unable to maintain boundaries with each other, then you should cut ties. If you truly want to move on and find that your ex is still occupying the romantic space that your future partner should have access to, then it’s a good idea to cut things off completely with your ex.”

—Weena Cullins, LCMFT, licensed marriage therapist

Stop stressing about how much you have sex, and focus on how much intimacy you have.

“The point of sex, from my point of view, is to share pleasure with your partner and to feel connected in the process. Spend intimate time together, without pressure to hit a goal or do a certain thing. Sex is like going to the playground. It’s the outing that counts, not whether you go down the slide. We don’t need an agenda; we can get inspired in the moment and do what we feel like doing. The truth is that you literally cannot fail. Any shared outing like that is a success.”

—Jessa Zimmerman, M.A., certified sex therapist and marriage counselor

Cultivating “aperture awareness” can help deepen your connection and resolve arguments faster.

“The problem with all of these ways of dealing with conflict is that they lack an awareness of what’s actually happening for you and your partner in the present. That’s where aperture awareness comes in. During conflict, begin to pay attention in each moment as you interact with your partner. Notice your sense of openness, or closedness, also known as your emotional aperture. Aperture awareness is a felt sensation. Just as we do not ‘see’ by consciously thinking about the information our eyes absorb, we do not become aware of our emotional openness through thought and analysis. Rather, we learn to feel it, to become aware of it, and then to pay close and careful attention. Simply asking yourself, ‘Do I feel open or closed right now?’ directs your attention to this felt experience. With practice, the experience of aperture awareness becomes more accessible.”

—Kathryn Ford, M.D., licensed psychotherapist

Understand the difference between love and limerence.

“With limerence, you may find yourself hyper-focusing on the subject of your affection (the limerent object) and their positive characteristics to the point of ignoring existing flaws and directing your intense, irrational emotions toward the idea of what they represent for you instead of who that person actually is in reality. Love is rooted in connection, intimacy, mutuality, and reality, whereas limerence is rooted in possession, obsession, jealousy, and delusions. The version you may have built about the person is simply a glorified and exaggerated fantasy made specifically to represent the fulfillment of [your] unmet needs. The preoccupation with them can result in a significant decrease of functionality in your other relationships and responsibilities.”

—Silva Depanian, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist

Show appreciation for each other every single day.

“Every successful company has a foundational commitment to ensuring that the people who are part of the culture feel seen, heard, and valued. People choose to continue to work in an environment where they know they have an impact, and the only way they know they have an impact is because someone told them so. In relationships, a robust appreciation practice is a tremendous way to ward off resentment and criticism. Making daily deposits of appreciation into the bank account of your relationship will also develop a culture of goodwill and high regard. The daily appreciations you offer your partner will create a reserve of generosity and trust, which will serve your partnership during inevitable moments of conflict.”

—Jordan Dann, MFA, L.P., CIRT, licensed psychoanalyst

If you struggle with codependency, focus on releasing attachment.

“Releasing attachment to outcome requires a willingness to tolerate the unknown and live with uncertainty. It’s critical to practice this regularly when you’re trying to overcome codependency. Part of what maintains the cycle of codependent behaviors is the fear of disappointing someone whose opinion matters to you, or of being ‘disliked.’ Releasing outcome simply means learning to tolerate the possibility of disappointing important others in your life. Yes, you may disappoint people. Yes, they may temporarily have negative feelings toward you. You don’t have to be happy about this possibility, but you do need to practice tolerating it, so you can be freer to be you.”

—Alicia Muñoz, LPC, certified couples’ therapist

Make a conscious effort to stay curious about your partner and continue getting to know them.

“We have this almost conceit that we know exactly how they’re going to behave in a given situation. There’s some beauty in accepting the ‘unknowableness’ of somebody and priming yourself to look for what’s different about that person rather than retreating into, ‘I know what they’re going to do, I know the end of this movie.’ Instead of looking for what you know, look for something that’s different about them in some way.”

—Samantha Boardman, M.D., positive psychiatrist

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How to Spot a Love Addict

Experts question whether we can describe a toxic relationship the way we talk about gambling or alcohol. But some have found that framework to be a helpful step in the road to freedom.

By Kaila Yu

Tara Blair Ball, a relationship coach in Memphis, met her ex on Match.com. They instantly clicked.

“He felt like my soulmate. It was the little things; we both talked about the differences in the old Spider-Man movie with Tobey Maguire and the comic book. A lot of people didn’t know about these details, and it just felt like this bonding experience.”

On their first phone call, they talked for eight hours — so long that Ms. Ball came late to work and was fired from her job at Target. “I took that as a sign that I was supposed to be connected to him,” she said, laughing.

When the red flags started to appear, Ms. Ball brushed them aside. “He started acting jealous and wanted to know where I was, what I was doing, who I was talking to, how long I was going to be there and when I was going to be back.” Instead of seeing warning signs, Ms. Ball interpreted his actions as affection.

“We were quickly talking about marriage and moving in together. I felt like I couldn’t be away from him for very long — I’d be in withdrawal.”

If the situation seems to contain some of the track marks of an addiction, it’s because it does. And like many addicts, Ms. Ball took a long time to recognize and admit she was experiencing what some call “love addiction.”

The definition of love addiction is hard to pin down. Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous calls it an extreme dependency on one person whereby “relationships or sexual activities have become increasingly destructive to career, family and sense of self-respect.” Helen Fisher, a senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University and a leading expert in romantic love, said it’s any relationship that leads to “obsessive craving and intrusive thinking,” meaning impulsive or unwanted thoughts.

One meta-analysis looked at 83 studies and estimated that about 3 percent of the population has had a serious problem with love addiction over a given year. That number may be higher than 10 percent among young adults.

Looking at TikTok, where Ms. Ball began to share her experiences with love addiction, you might think the number of love addicts is even higher. The hashtag #ToxicRelationship on TikTok clocks in at 1.7 billion views, plus another 320 million more for related terms such as “love addiction,” “love addict,” and “codependency.” Whether telling their tales or reacting to others, people are finding healing and community on the short-form video sharing app by posting the signs of love addiction, with memes and tips.

Wherever you decide to share about your experiences, it’s helpful to be able to recognize when a dream romance strays into love addiction.

Is Love Addiction Even Real?

“Anybody who says it’s not an addiction, all I can tell you is that we’ve looked in the brain,” said Dr. Fisher.

Using functional magnetic resonance imaging, Dr. Fisher and her colleagues have studied romantic love and found increased activity in a brain region called the nucleus accumbens, “that becomes active when anything becomes an addiction — alcohol or nicotine or cocaine or heroin or amphetamines or any one of those things,” Dr. Fisher said.

But some in the scientific community don’t even accept love addiction as a diagnosis. “Love addiction is a contested concept,” said Brian D. Earp, a Ph.D. candidate and the associate director of the Yale-Hastings Program in Ethics and Health Policy at Yale University who has studied love addiction. He noted that some of the disagreement comes down to the definition of love itself.

“Some feminist philosophers argue that if a relationship is toxic or abusive it shouldn’t even be labeled as love,” Mr. Earp said, adding that some prefer the label “addiction to toxic relationship behaviors.”

To make matters even more complicated, experts also can’t agree on the definition of addiction. Mr. Earp said some neuroscientists believe that something labeled an addiction must be bad for you. Therefore, “if you rely on an activity that might be classified as unhealthy but it’s totally compatible with living a flourishing life, some experts would say there’s no reason to call this an addiction,” he said.

Healthy Love Versus Addictive Love

Whether or not you believe love addiction is real, thinking of a toxic relationship as an addiction can be useful to someone dealing with the repercussions of an unhealthy partnership. “The bottom line is this: an unhealthy relationship tends to involve a search for a dopamine rush” and involves power and control, said Steven Sussman, a professor of preventive medicine, psychology and social work at the University of Southern California.

Those experiencing love addiction “have the behavioral pattern of addiction,” said Dr. Fisher. She explained that this may manifest in mood swings from despair to euphoria and a willingness to put up with abuse. Additionally their personalities may shift when they’re addicted, leading to lifestyle changes or a tendency to distort reality.

Houston-based literacy specialist, Synthia Smith, said she succumbed to those feelings with her now ex-boyfriend. “The prospect of living my life without him was unbearable — I would be emotionally dead,” she remembered.

So great was this fear that she stayed in the relationship for two and a half years, despite a fast-growing litany of warning signs, such as the time she discovered his profile on the dating website Plenty of Fish. After confronting him, he claimed that he was there to network for his business and shamed her for bringing it up before exploding in rage.

Working Through a Toxic Relationship

Becoming involved with someone who compromises your mental health can be a scary and isolating experience. Whether you believe yourself to be a love addict, or just need help getting out of a bad situation, there are resources to consult and healthy actions you can take.

Find community

Katlynn Rowland, who owns a housecleaning business in Ocala, Florida, was involved with an emotionally abusive man when she first came across Ms. Smith’s TikToks about gaslighting. “It almost felt good when I first watched the videos because it felt like I was being validated,” Ms. Rowland said, “and that I wasn’t crazy.”

Ms. Smith’s videos gave Ms. Rowland the courage to leave her ex-boyfriend — and to post about it on TikTok. “I was scared to post at first because I knew he would go insane,” Ms. Rowland said. “But since Synthia said that she didn’t care what her ex thought anymore, I was able to let go of that fear.”

Mr. Earp said this is a common experience. “It can be comforting for people to make public sense of their experience, rather than just having it be a private phenomenon.”

Educate yourself

“It’s important to educate yourself about how love addiction works for you, to understand the layers and nuances of how it plays out in your life,” said Kerry Cohen, a therapist and the author of “Crazy for You: Breaking the Spell of Sex and Love Addiction.” This may include finding a support group, like Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous or Love Addicts Anonymous, and speaking to a therapist or psychiatrist specializing in love addiction. It’s important to see a licensed professional and not to self-diagnose.

Practice healthy texting

Texting can be a potential minefield for love addicts, as there is often room for miscommunication, leading to anxiety and fear. Ms. Cohen said love addicts should refrain from talking about feelings via text with their partner, particularly negative emotions. “This will be good practice for you to regulate your feelings until you can talk in person,” she wrote, “and it may give you the pause you need to get a handle on how to respond without reacting.”

Many love addicts keep parts of themselves and their lives secret from their partner to provide what Ms. Cohen called an “artificial sense of autonomy” and a means to avoid conflict. Although having privacy is appropriate in a relationship, keeping secrets is not. Love addicts often “lie about their pasts, and try to be someone they think their lover wants them to be,” Ms. Cohen wrote in “Crazy for You.” She advised partners to share honestly with each other, especially about their struggles with sex or love addiction.

Consider no contact

After you have built a support team, you can decide if, when and how you should end a toxic relationship. With your therapist, consider what the “Cambridge Handbook of Substance and Behavioral Addictions” calls “a strict no-contact policy, avoiding any form of communication with the ex-partner that may trigger renewed feelings of craving and retard the healing process.”

Twelve-step programs often advise addicts to remove all reminders of the addiction, including all social media contact, photos, songs or memorabilia. “Somebody is camping in your head, you’ve got to get them out,” said Dr. Fisher.

Try a dating plan

It may be helpful to develop a dating plan with your sponsor or therapist, which can be a useful guide to finding a new, healthy relationship. Start by identifying one action that has brought about negative consequences in your past. Some love addicts may have sex too quickly with a partner and get too attached. In that case, it might be helpful to establish a rule to only have sex after entering a committed relationship.

“Nobody gets out of love alive,” said Dr. Fisher. “People live for love, pine for love, kill for love and they’ll die for a loved one. It’s one of the most powerful brain systems we’ve evolved.””

Whether you harness this energy for a positive or negative romantic experience is up to you.

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