Month: October 2023

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8 Sex Myths That Experts Wish Would Go Away

— Everyone else is having more sex than you. Men want sex more than women do. And more.

By Catherine Pearson

Chalk it up to the variability in sex education, in high schools and even medical schools, or to the fact that many adults find it hard to talk about sex with the person who regularly sees them naked. Whatever the reason, misinformation about sexuality and desire is common.

“There are so many myths out there,” said Laurie Mintz, an emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Florida who focuses on human sexuality. And, she added, they can “cause a lot of damage.”

So the Well section reached out to a group of sex therapists and researchers, and asked them to share a myth they wished would go away.

Here’s what they said.

Myth 1: Everyone else is having more sex than you.

“Oddly, this myth persists across the life span,” said Debby Herbenick, director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at the Indiana University School of Public Health and author of “Yes, Your Kid: What Parents Need to Know About Today’s Teens and Sex.”

Many teenagers think “everyone is doing it,” she said, leading them to jump into sex that they simply are not ready for. This myth can make older people in long-term relationships feel lousy, too — like they are the only ones in a so-called dry spell, when they may simply be experiencing the natural ebb and flow of desire.

“It’s pretty typical to find that about one in three people have had no partnered sex in the prior year,” Dr. Herbenick said, referencing several nationally representative surveys. She also points to research she has worked on showing that sexual activity has declined in recent years for reasons that aren’t fully understood. (Researchers have hypothesized that the decline has to do with factors like the rise in sexting and online pornography, as well as decreased drinking among young people.)

“It can help to normalize these periods of little to no partnered sex,” Dr. Herbenick said. “That said, for those looking for some longevity in their partnered sex life, it’s important to think about sex in a holistic way.” That means caring for your physical and mental health, she said, and talking through your feelings with your partner to maintain a sense of intimacy and connection.

Myth 2: Sex means penetration.

Sex therapists often lament that people get caught up in certain “sexual scripts,” or the idea that sex should unfold in a particular way — typically, a bit of foreplay that leads to intercourse.

But “we need to move beyond defining sex by a single behavior,” said Ian Kerner, a sex therapist and author of “She Comes First.” He noted that this type of narrow thinking has contributed to the longstanding pleasure gap between men and women in heterosexual encounters. For example, a study found that 75 percent of heterosexual men said they orgasmed every time they had been sexually intimate within the past month, compared with 33 percent of heterosexual women.

One survey found that 18 percent of women orgasmed from penetration alone, while 37 percent said they also needed clitoral stimulation to orgasm during intercourse. Instead of rushing toward intercourse, the focus should be on “outercourse,” Dr. Kerner said, which is an umbrella term for any sexual activity that doesn’t involve penetration.

“If you look at most mainstream movies, the image is women having these fast and fabulous orgasms from penetration, and foreplay is just the lead up to that main event,” Dr. Mintz said. “That is actually, scientifically, really damaging and false.”

In surveying thousands of women for her book “Becoming Cliterate,” Dr. Mintz found the percentage of women who said they orgasmed from penetration alone to be 4 percent or less.

Equating sex with penetration also leaves out people who have sex in other ways. For instance, Joe Kort, a sex therapist, has coined the term “sides” to describe gay men who do not have anal sex. Lexx Brown-James, a sex therapist, said that view also overlooks people with certain disabilities as well as those who simply do not enjoy penetration. Many people find greater sexual satisfaction from things like oral sex or “even just bodily contact,” she said.

Myth 3: Vaginas shouldn’t need extra lubricant.

Postmenopausal women sometimes describe the pain they experience during penetrative sex as feeling like “sandpaper” or “knives.” But while vaginal dryness affects older women at a higher rate, it can happen at any point in life, Dr. Herbenick said, which has implications for women’s sex lives.

An estimated 17 percent of women between 18 and 50 report vaginal dryness during sex, while more than 50 percent experience it after menopause. She noted that it is also more common while women are nursing or during perimenopause, and that certain medications, including some forms of birth control, can decrease lubrication.

“As I often tell my students, vaginas are not rainforests,” Dr. Herbenick said, noting that her research has found that most American women have used a lubricant at some point. “We can feel aroused or in love and still not lubricate the way we want to.”

Myth 4: It is normal for sex to hurt.

Though lubricant can help some women experience more pleasure during sex, it is important to remember that sex should not hurt. An estimated 75 percent of women experience painful sex at some point in their lives, which can have many root causes: gynecologic problems, hormonal changes, cancer treatment, trauma — the list goes on.

Shemeka Thorpe, a sexuality researcher and educator who specializes in Black women’s sexual well-being, said many women believe that pain during or after sex is a sign of good sex.

“We know a lot of the times that people who end up having some sort of sexual pain disorder later in life actually had sexual pain during their first intercourse, and continued to have sexual pain or vulva pain,” Dr. Thorpe said. “They didn’t realize it was an issue.”

Men, too, can experience pain during intercourse. Experts emphasize that it is important for anyone experiencing pain during sex to see a medical provider.

Myth 5: Men want sex more than women do.

“Desire discrepancy is the No. 1 problem I deal with in my practice, and by no means is the higher-desire partner always male,” Dr. Kerner said. “But because of this myth, men often feel a sense of shame around their lack of desire, and a pressure to always initiate.”

(Dr. Herbenick noted the related myth that women don’t masturbate, which she said holds them back from fully exploring their sexuality.)

But while there is data to suggest that men masturbate more often than women do, it is untrue that women don’t want sex, or that men always do, said Dr. Brown-James. For instance, one recent study found that women’s desire tended to fluctuate more throughout their lifetimes, but that men and women experienced very similar desire fluctuations throughout the week.

Myth 6: Desire should happen instantly.

Sex therapists and researchers generally believe that there are two types of desire: spontaneous, or the feeling of wanting sex out of the blue, and responsive, which arises in response to stimuli, like touch.

People tend to think that spontaneous desire — which is what many lovers experience early in relationships — is somehow better.

But Lori Brotto, a psychologist and the author of “Better Sex Through Mindfulness,” said a lot of the work she does is to normalize responsive desire, particularly among women and those in long-term relationships.

She helps them understand that it is possible to go into sex without spontaneous desire, as long as there is willingness and consent. Dr. Brotto likens it to going to the gym when you don’t feel like it. “Your endorphins start flowing, you feel really good and you’re grateful you went afterward,” she said.

Myth 7: Planned sex is boring.

Dr. Brotto also disagrees with the idea that “planned sex is bad sex,” because it makes it “clinical and dry and boring.”

That view is “so harmful,” she said. And it results in many people treating sex like an afterthought, doing it only late at night when they’re exhausted or distracted, Dr. Brotto said, if they make time for it at all.

When clients bristle at the practice of scheduling sex, she will ask: Are there many other activities in your life that you love or that are important to you that you never plan for or put on the calendar? The answer, she said, is usually no.

Scheduled sex can also lend itself to responsive desire, Dr. Brotto said, giving “arousal time to heat up.”

Myth 8: Your penis doesn’t stack up.

Men are under a certain amount of pressure when it comes to how their penises look or function, Dr. Kerner said. Younger men, he said, believe they shouldn’t have erectile dysfunction, while older men get the message that premature ejaculation is something they grow out of with age and experience.

The data tells a different story. Though erectile dysfunction — which is defined as a consistent inability to achieve or maintain an erection, not just occasional erection issues — does tend to increase with age, it also affects an estimated 8 percent of men in their 20s and 11 percent of those in their 30s. And 20 percent of men between the ages of 18 and 59 report experiencing premature ejaculation.

“We don’t have a little blue pill to make premature ejaculation go away, so we’re not having the same cultural conversation as we are with erectile dysfunction,” Dr. Kerner said. “We’re just left with the myths that guys with premature ejaculation are bad in bed, or sexually selfish.”

Likewise, studies show that many men — gay and straight — worry that their penises do not measure up, even though many partners say they do not prefer an especially large penis.

“Partnered sex is complex,” Dr. Kerner said. “It involves touching, tuning in, connecting, communicating.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Beyond Pleasure

— How Intimate Gadgets Foster Deeper Connections

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One of the most beautiful feelings in the world is sharing a deep connection with your partner. Intimacy is essential in love. To sustain intimacy in a long-term connection, it is important to keep the spark alive. One of the ways to achieve that is by adding intimate gadgets to the mix. 

Intimate gadgets are a new way for couples to explore and improve their sexual experiences and deepen their connection. Right from visiting an adult toys shop to incorporating these in your intimate experiences, these aids can heighten sexual stimulation and improve sex life in general.

How Intimate Gadgets Aid in Building Deeper Connections

Aside from exploring new sexual horizons, these gadgets can also build trust and strengthen the bond between couples. You might ask, “How?” In this article, we will explore how these toys can help you and your partner develop a deeper connection. Let’s delve into them.

1. More room for open communication

Communication is the backbone of any successful relationship and is crucial for building a deeper connection between partners. Incorporating Intimate gadgets into sexual activities can open up new avenues for you and your partner to communicate about and be expressive.

It can help you articulate your desires and preferences better and become more open to trying new things. Even when you’re physically away from your partners, you can still get intimate remotely. There are intimate gadgets that facilitate these remote interactions and experiences.

2. Enhanced sexual well-being

Intimate gadgets can help improve their sexual experience. Medical studies have shown that certain devices like vibrating rings, massage oil, or lubricants help with sexual stimulation. This is quite helpful for individuals with conditions that make sex uncomfortable or even painful because these conditions decrease sexual intimacy and connection between partners.

In cases of erectile dysfunction or low libido, intimate gadgets can allow couples to try other methods and reignite their intimate lives. Intimate gadgets are also beneficial to individuals who have experienced sexual trauma or have difficulty reaching orgasm.

They provide comfort and pleasure and can help to reclaim sexual autonomy and overcome the negative effects of such trauma. A 2020 study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy revealed that the use of vibrators improved sexual function and reduced sexual distress in women who had difficulty achieving orgasm.

3. Emotional intimacy

There is a popular belief that intimate gadgets weaken emotional connections, but this is far from the truth. In fact, studies have shown that they can increase emotional closeness between partners.

Research has shown that the use of intimate gadgets can help partners to deeply understand and connect with each other. They help couples who use intimate gadgets experience higher levels of trust, openness, and vulnerability within their relationships.

A study conducted by the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University revealed that participants who used vibrators with their partners reported higher levels of intimacy, communication, and satisfaction in their relationships. This suggests that beyond the pleasure that these gadgets offer, they can help to strengthen intimate connections between partners. These devices act as a catalyst for partners to share their desires and insecurities.

4. Rekindling lost intimacy

Any relationship can experience a strain or lack of intimacy. New couples might still find it a bit awkward to talk about sex or sexual activities. Long-term relationships are more likely to experience strain due to factors like distance, stress, work, lack of trust due to previous experiences, and even financial responsibilities.

Partners can rekindle lost intimacy with intimate gadgets. Adopting intimate gadgets in a bedroom provides a safe place that minimizes the awkwardness that may occur when it comes to sexual discussions and activities and promotes trust between partners. Discussing such sensitive experiences with your partner automatically increases the level of comfort in sharing certain fantasies and finding common ground.

When the passion wanes, intimate toys can come in. It reinvigorates the passion between partners to promote maximum sexual satisfaction even in long-term relationships.

5. Exploration

One significant aspect of deepening intimacy is trying new things. Couples need to be vulnerable to explore and experiment with each other’s desires. Intimate gadgets can help couples discover new things about their bodies.

They provide a safe environment for you and your partner to explore fantasies together, learn what excites your partner, and find ways to satisfy each other’s needs. Exploration provides knowledge, and when you know the sweet spots in your erogenous zones, you can reach orgasms far more easily. This improves sex in general.

Now you can see that aside from their primary function of providing pleasure, intimate gadgets have the potential to foster deeper connections with your partners. They enhance relationships, improve communication, and promote sexual wellness. As technology continues to advance, it will be even more fascinating to see how intimate gadgets evolve and continue to play a role in fostering deeper and more meaningful connections between partners. The benefits of intimate gadgets when it comes to building a deeper romantic connection are not limited to heterosexual couples. These gadgets are inclusive of all sexual orientations and gender identities.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A sex therapist’s advice on having a successful long-distance relationship

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In the new season of Sex Education, Otis and Maeve, our favourite “will-they-won’t-they” couple (let’s be honest, Ross and Rachel aren’t quite as fun), are taking a chance on love again. However, as ever, things aren’t so easy. This time they have to work out how to be together while apart, as Maeve embarks on a writing course in the US. Yep, they are in an LDR (long-distance relationship).

Typically, LDRs are deemed less successful compared to couples in closer proximity. But being in close proximity doesn’t always go hand-in-hand with relationship satisfaction. I’ve seen this myself as a sex and relationship therapist, where I frequently encounter clients who, despite living side-by-side, still experience feelings of loneliness and a lack of intimacy with their partners.

And, according to a survey in 2021, 58% of couples in LDRs do manage to sustain a satisfactory lasting relationship. So don’t write them off. And if you’re in one yourself, here are some useful tips on how to negotiate the potential pitfalls of an LDR.

1. Texting

As Maeve and Otis’s relationship unfolds, they quickly learn how to navigate through the dos and don’ts of long-distance dating and communication mishaps. For example, while the duo starts off in a playful texting manner, communication suddenly comes to a halt. How the couple engage next is an example of how texts can be hard to interpret and lead to misunderstandings.

Take the question mark for example – it can mean many things. Maeve asks Otis for a sexy picture, a request that goes unanswered so she sends him a “?”. While Maeve is expressing impatience or frustration, feeling like she is being ignored, Otis interprets the text as pressure. While it isn’t her intention, the text contributes to making him feel embarrassed, awkward and under pressure to respond. Same text, different feelings.

In my experience, there are perhaps better ways of communicating by text. When we don’t have the words, we rely instead on limited textual cues – emoticons, question marks, gifs and so on – which makes it easy for our texts to be misconstrued and sometimes get “lost in translation”. Text messaging in LDRs demand exceptional communication skills. So always be clear about what you need (and how to ask for it) and always communicate openly and honestly about how you feel.

Other texting tips to consider when you are in LDRs:

  • Avoid heavy (emotionally loaded) topics by text.
  • Minimise ambiguity when texting to avoid misunderstandings.
  • Always check in with your emotions and self-regulate before texting your partner.
  • Consider time zones and different schedules.
  • Communicate frequently.
  • Be present and responsive during interactions.
  • Organise regular face-to-face meetings to maintain connectedness.

2. Understand attachment styles

Distance can trigger feelings of jealousy and insecurity. Attachment theory provides a valuable framework for understanding the formation of love relationships and what influences how individuals perceive, initiate and maintain romantic connections.

For example, individuals with a secure attachment style tend to have healthier, more stable and satisfying relationships. In contrast, fearful-avoidants fear rejection and often hold negative views of both themselves and their partner.

When researchers looked at how individuals connect and keep their relationships going, they found something interesting. People who are not so sure about their relationships avoid being close. They don’t express their true feelings or don’t like to talk about themselves in the relationship or don’t give much assurance. Assurance in this context is regarding love and how much you care about someone and the relationship. These maintenance behaviours are necessary for relationship satisfaction and for building trust.

For Otis, trust is an issue as he grapples with a new handsome friend of Maeve’s. Feelings of inadequacy rise. Could his greatest fear be abandonment? And if so, might this explain his uncertainty about the status or future of the relationship?

Eventually, Otis opens up about his fears that Maeve is not fully committed and that she might never come back. This is a good example of a couple practising honesty and openly communicating their emotions, ultimately fostering a stronger connection between them.

3. Creative long-distance sex

Research has found that sex is beneficial to our wellbeing, whether it is solo or with a partner(s). Yet often the biggest challenge for monogamous couples in LDRs is the lack of physical closeness.

 

So, how can LDR couples bridge that gap? Otis and Maeve have a go at phone sex, which they enhance with sex toys.

Even though couples are not able to actually touch each other, technology is incredibly useful in maintaining a sense of togetherness. Many sex toy companies have developed a range of toys for long-distance couples, enabling them to connect interactively to their lover’s device.

In our increasingly interconnected world, it is fair to say, that navigating LDRs can be complex. The success of these relationships hinges on many factors, including the quality of communication, the level of commitment, attachment styles, trust, and the coping strategies adopted by those involved.

Meanwhile, despite occasional challenges and setbacks, Otis and Maeve seem to be handling their long-distance relationship quite well.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What is ‘veto power’ in non-monogamous relationships

— And why is it so problematic?

Having the power to ‘veto’ your partner’s other partners can have some seriously messy outcomes.

By Gigi Engle

If you opened up your relationship, would you want the ability to tell your partner’s other partners to piss off if you weren’t down with them? Intrigued? Let’s talk about “veto power.”

Veto power within consensually non-monogamous relationships is a hotly debated topic. People within the CNM community have very strong feelings about it. But, what does it mean to have veto power? “In CNM relationships, ‘veto’ indicates an agreement between primary partners in which they can say no to new or other partners,” says Dr. Celina Criss, a certified sex coach specializing in gender, sexuality, and relationship diversity.

Yes, you read that correctly. It’s the ability to tell your partner that they essentially have to break up with their other partner(s) if you don’t like them or the relationship. If that sounds problematic, that’s because it often is.

Whether you love it or hate it, the concept of veto power is one worth exploring and unpacking. As with all things dating-related, it’s complicated and in need of nuanced conversations.

If you’re active in the online dating realm, you’ve probably been hearing more about CNM — aka ethical non-monogamy or ENM — lately. The term “ethical non-monogamy” has seen a 213 percent spike in searches in the last year alone.

Here is everything you should know about veto power within CNM dynamics.

What is ‘veto power’ in the CNM world?

Veto power is essentially the ability to tell your partner’s other partner(s) to take a hike, if you decide the relationship isn’t working for you anymore. It grants partners the ability to determine who their partner can and cannot have relationships with. It exists within hierarchical CNM dynamics, wherein there are two (or more) primary partners and all other partners are considered ‘secondary.’

Joli Hamilton, a qualitative researcher and relationship coach specializing in non-monogamy, tells us veto power is an explicit or implicit agreement that one partner within a primary relationship can require a change to the structure, intensity, or existence of their partner’s other relationships. This can be true of new partners and existing partners. “Sometimes veto power is explicitly granted as a way to reinforce the idea that an existing couple will remain the priority over any new relationships that may come into existence,” she explains.

Veto power is essentially the ability to tell your partner’s other partner(s) to take a hike, if you decide the relationship isn’t working for you anymore. In order to use veto power in an ethical way (though some would argue it is never ethical), the agreement must be explicit. All partners within the relationship need to understand that the veto power is in place, how it functions for the primary partners, and consent to honoring it. As you may have guessed, this can get quite complicated.

Why would a couple choose to have ‘veto power’ within their relationship structure?

There are a lot of reasons why a couple might choose to enact veto power. Hamilton says that it’s often used as a tool to help couples feel safer when they’re first opening up. Basically, it makes you feel like no matter who else you or your partner might date, you’ll always be the “chosen one.”

“Lots of people want veto power when they are transitioning from a monogamous paradigm to a more expansive relationship structure, in part because they can’t imagine a world where they wouldn’t have a say over what their partner does with their emotions or body,” she explains. This need to be held above all others is born out of ‘compulsory monogamy,’ the socially constructed notion that being monogamous and prioritizing one partner is the “correct” way of existing within a relationship.

And yes, this has problematic implications when you’re practicing CNM because it tries to hold a different way of relating to the monogamous standard. Hamilton says she’s seen plenty of couples use veto power as a means to retain a sense of control, with decidedly mixed results.

The positives of ‘veto power’

Criss tells us that there can be upsides in using veto power within CNM dynamics. If your relationship is consensually hierarchical, the veto can act as a safeguard for the primary partnership. Depending on the outlined agreement between partners, “this objection can be at the beginning of an additional relationship or later, if that relationship has become problematic,” she says. “One way to think of it is as a safe word for CNM: it indicates there is a problem or concern that needs to be addressed.”

When used in this way, the veto acts as less of a tool of control and more as a way to explore issues that come up with primary partners and their other partners. “It can be quite useful,” Criss adds.

Again, for this dynamic to work – the veto, and what it means within your dynamic, needs to be clearly outlined and agreed to by all parties involved in the relationship. When a person within the primary partnership takes on a secondary or tertiary partner, that partner needs to be fully aware of the existing veto power and consent to it. Otherwise, we’re just getting plain old unethical.

Hierarchical polyamorous and open structures are a highly contentious subject within the CNM community – with some people strongly endorsing hierarchy and others believing it is entirely unethical. Those who oppose it point to “monogamy culture,” wherein the idea of the “primary partnership” is of utmost importance – which goes against the very nature of CNM. There isn’t a total consensus.

The drawbacks of ‘veto power’

Veto power offers primary partners a sense of control within relationships, but Moushumi Ghose, a licensed sex therapist, says that the “control” is usually a band-aid for larger issues. Often, the veto is used as a way to avoid dealing with the myriad uncomfortable feelings that come with opening up a relationship. “Veto power is extremely problematic because it creates a power imbalance, essentially. The biggest threat is that one person can close an open relationship simply because of uncomfortable feelings,” she says. It tries to remove the need to face and work through difficult emotions and dynamics that inevitably come up when you’re involved with multiple partners. This doesn’t solve anything, and instead can build resentment.

Veto power can also be problematic when it is used as a means to control your partner’s behavior. Criss tells us that “using a veto to non-consensually control or threaten your partner is not OK, in fact it runs counter to the general idea of CNM.” CNM specifically emphasizes consent and individual autonomy so, when veto power is used as a way to infringe upon a partner’s autonomy, that’s when it becomes an issue.

“Veto power is extremely problematic because it creates a power imbalance.” Hamilton agrees, telling us that veto power can lead to hypervigilance within a relationship, often resulting in monitoring your partner’s behavior such as checking their phones or social media and trying to control who they are with and when. “All of these can increase the amount of jealousy we feel, and none of those behaviors lead to more trust in your partner,” she says. “Instead it keeps you locked in a cycle of watchful waiting for your partner to screw up or overstep your comfort.”

What’s more, even if both primary partners agree that veto power is on the table, it often neglects to consider the feelings, wishes, and boundaries of the (very real) human people who aren’t in the primary partnership. “Veto power removes consent, especially when you consider that in CNM there are multiple people involved,” Ghose says. This can turn into a very messy situation, very quickly.

What to do if your partner asks for ‘veto-power’

Navigating these conversations requires empathy and nuance. “If your partner wants a veto and you’re not into it, this is an opportunity to get curious and investigate,” Criss says.

She suggests exploring the following questions: Why are they asking for this? Are you in alignment with your relationship goals, your CNM dynamic, and how you are feeling about each other?

Hamilton tells us that the need for veto can begin to dissipate once you learn to deal with difficult emotions in a healthy way. “Learn to regulate your nervous system and practice holding your body’s sensations and emotions during times of stress,” she says. This can look like adopting grounding and breathing techniques.

You may want to trade in veto power for authentic ways your partner can make you feel secure – and visa versa. “Have conversations about what security looks like and sounds like for you. Ask for those things to be prioritized,” Hamilton says. “Don’t make your partner guess – actually tell them what it looks and sounds like for you to receive their loving attention. Help them co-create a sense of security with you.”

Sometimes these conversations can be scary or confronting. If you find this is the case, you can always employ the help of a qualified, CNM-friendly sex therapist or coach to help you.

Whatever your journey is, we salute you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Does It Mean To Be Nonbinary?

— Being nonbinary means not identifying solely (or at all) with being male or female

For a long time, Western society thought of sex and gender as a binary: male/female, girl/boy, man/woman. Though plenty of people throughout history have likely identified otherwise, we haven’t had the language to talk about or understand what that means.

Fortunately, we’ve come a long way. In 2021, a study by the Trevor Project found that more than a quarter (26%) of LGBTQIA+ youth now identify as nonbinary, with an additional 20% saying they’re still questioning whether they’re nonbinary. And that data doesn’t even begin to cover nonbinary/questioning adults.

But what exactly does it mean to be nonbinary? Child and adolescent psychiatrist Jason Lambrese, MD, helps define this term so that you can better understand this gender identity.

What is nonbinary?

In simple terms, being nonbinary means that you do not identify (solely or at all) with the idea of being a man or a woman.

“We used to think that people were either male or female, and that was it — that there were two endpoints, and everyone had to be at one of them,” Dr. Lambrese says. “But it became clear that that didn’t fit everybody’s experience.”

Now, health professionals recognize that gender identity is much more expansive and multifaceted. Sometimes, it’s explained as a spectrum — a sliding scale of sorts, with “male” and “female” as endpoints.

For some people, being nonbinary means feeling that you’re somewhere else along that line — in between male and female, or a combination of some aspects of both. But other nonbinary people feel that their gender identity exists outside the male/female spectrum — not on the line but somewhere else altogether.

“There are a lot of cultures where it’s very common to identify as male, female or a third gender,” Dr. Lambrese notes. “We might put it somewhere in the middle of the spectrum, or it can be thought about completely outside of that construct.”

Nonbinary gender identities

If you’re trying to get a handle on what it means to be nonbinary, you’re going to have to get comfortable in gray space: There are no specific, hard-and-fast rules about nonbinary identities or “what it means” to be nonbinary.

“What it means for one person could be different than what it means for somebody else,” Dr. Lambrese states.

A nonbinary person could just identify with the term “nonbinary,” or they may use other terms to describe themselves and their relationship (or lack thereof) with gender:

  • Agender,genderless, or gender-free are terms for people who don’t identify with any gender at all.
  • Androgynousmeans having gender expression characteristics that are typically associated with both male and female.
  • Bigenderis when someone identifies with two genders, whether they experience those genders at the same time or alternately.
  • Demigirl and demiboyare terms for people who partially identify with one gender or the other, but not fully.
  • Genderfluid and genderflux refer to the feeling that your gender is flexible. It may change from day to day or over time.
  • Gender non-conforming usually means that a person doesn’t conform to societal gender norms, whether in terms of gender identity, gender expression or both.
  • Genderqueer is typically used as an umbrella term, sort of like nonbinary, for anyone who feels they don’t fit into standard gender labels.

Because gender can be such a personal experience, these terms can mean different things to different people. And some people might identify with multiple terms or with others not listed here.

If these terms are new to you, you might feel confused about some of the nuances and differences between them. That’s OK. The most important thing is to remain open-minded to learning what they mean to individual people and their gender identity — so that you can be as supportive as possible.

Is nonbinary the same as transgender?

Sometimes, and sometimes not. The answer to this question comes down to each individual person and what identity feels right to them.

For the most part, you can think of being transgender as an overarching concept that encompasses multiple types of identities. “You could say that being trans is the most overarching of all of the umbrella terms, and under that are smaller umbrellas, like being nonbinary,” Dr. Lambrese clarifies.

But not everyone who identifies as nonbinary will identify with being trans. Some nonbinary people, for example, may feel more comfortable with explanations like “not cisgender.”(Cisgender meaning people whose gender identity corresponds with what they were assigned at birth.)

“For some people, even the term ‘transgender’ can feel like a binary,” Dr. Lambrese says, “so being nonbinary may feel separate from the identity of transgender. It’s all very individualized.”

It’s always best not to make assumptions about anyone’s identity — which is, by the way, a good rule of thumb for all for life!

What pronouns do nonbinary people use?

This answer differs for every person, but “they/them” is common. The Trevor Project found that more than one-third of nonbinary youth exclusively (only) use the pronouns “they/them.”

For some people, using they/them to refer to a singular person feels weird and uncomfortable — that squiggly feeling you get when you use improper grammar. If this is you, try to remember: Language is constantly evolving, and it’s OK for words’ meanings to change. Plus, you’re probably already more used to using they/them singular pronouns than you might think (for example, “Someone left their umbrella behind! I sure hope they come back for it.”).

“It’s important that we validate and normalize ’they/them’ as pronouns that can be used singularly,” Dr. Lambrese states.

The study also found that an additional 21% of respondents use a combination of gender pronouns that include but aren’t limited to they/them. This could mean, for example, that someone uses them/them pronouns and she/her pronouns. They may prefer that you mix them up at random (“I’m getting lunch with her tomorrow because they weren’t available today.”) or ask that you use certain pronouns at certain times.

What about neopronouns?

Less common but still important are neopronouns, which are words that have been created to take the place of traditional pronouns. Some examples include:

  • Xe/xem/xir.
  • Ze/zir/zem.
  • Ee/em/eir.

If you’re not sure exactly how to use neopronouns, here’s an example: “Xe is so friendly and funny. When I first met xem last week, I immediately asked for xir number so we could hang out.”

It can take some work to incorporate this type of evolving language into your lexicon, but doing so shows respect and support for others. Like anything new, it will start to come naturally to you over time.

“If you mess up, that’s OK,” Dr. Lambrese reassures. “Just apologize and use the correct one going forward. People can usually appreciate that. It’s when you’re not trying that can be very hurtful.”

Nonbinary people and mental health

The English language now offers more terminology than ever for people to express their gender identity, which represents society’s evolving understanding of gender. But that doesn’t always mean that individual people have become more understanding or accepting.

The Trevor Project found that 42% of LGBTQ youth seriously considered attempting suicide in the year before the study. That included more than half of transgender and nonbinary youth — largely owing to a lack of support and respect from family, friends and society at large.

“When nonbinary teens live in an environment where they’re not feeling accepted or validated, they can experience negative mental health outcomes like depression, anxiety and even suicidal ideation,” Dr. Lambrese says.

The Trevor Project found that nonbinary youth whose family members respected their pronouns were far less likely to attempt suicide than their peers without family support.

“These numbers are supported by studies that have looked at sexual and gender minorities over time,” Dr. Lambrese says. “Data shows that the more support children and teens have, the better their mental health outcomes are.”

How to support nonbinary people

“Being affirming of somebody’s experience doesn’t have to mean that you fully understand all of the intricacies of their identity,” Dr. Lambrese says. “It doesn’t even have to mean that you agree with all of their goals for themselves. But you can still be affirming and supportive.”

Two of the simplest and more powerful ways to show your respect and support are to use people’s preferred names and proper pronouns.

“At the very least, this allows people to feel heard,” he says. “The data shows that sometimes, those simplest things lead nonbinary people to say, ‘When my pronouns are used correctly, I feel so much better.’ It’s such a simple, easy thing that we can all do.”

Dr. Lambrese shares some tips:

  • Ask for their pronouns (and share yours): Meeting someone new? “Don’t make assumptions about people’s gender identity or their pronouns,” Dr. Lambrese advises. “You can ask people, or you can introduce yourself with your own pronouns and ask for theirs. I might say, for example, ‘Hi, I’m Jason, and my pronouns are he/him. What name and pronouns do you use?’”
  • Seek out examples: If someone shares their pronouns with you and you’re not entirely sure how to use them, politely ask if they feel comfortable sharing some examples so that you can get it right. Google is your friend here, too.
  • When you mess up, apologize … and move on: If you accidentally misgender someone, acknowledge it (“Oh, I’m sorry! I meant ‘they.’”) and then keep the conversation flowing. Over-apologizing is awkward for everyone, and it centers your own feelings over theirs.
  • Normalize pronouns: Putting your own pronouns in your email signature or on your nametag at events allow people others to feel more comfortable sharing their pronouns with you.
  • Adapt your other language, too:Gendered terms like “Hey, ladies,” and “You guys,” can feel exclusionary to nonbinary people. Instead, practice using inclusive, gender-neutral terms like “y’all” and “folks.”
  • Gently correct others: If you overhear someone else talking about another person with the wrong pronouns, offer a polite but firm correction: “Jamie actually uses they/them pronouns, not he/him.” Helping others get it right behind the scenes may lessen the chances that they misgender someone face to face.

At the end of the day, supporting nonbinary people is, in so many ways, similar to supporting any other community of people: “Operate in good faith, demonstrate respect and apologize when you fall short,” Dr. Lambrese encourages.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Are You Adrift in a Sexless Relationship?

— People in their 50s are having less sex than they’d like. Here’s how to turn things around

By Ken Budd

Steve Walsh and his wife, Linda (not their real names), last had sex in 2012. The Walshes married in 2003, raised three children in western Washington state and shared a deep Christian faith. Still, numerous challenges made their bedroom a no-sex zone. Linda survived breast cancer, but the medications lowered her libido. Steve also believes she suffers from undiagnosed depression. Over time their relationship deteriorated, and their sex life ended. The couple are now divorcing.

Steve, 58, is nervous about dating yet eager to end 10 years of agonizing celibacy. “I want so badly to have that closeness with someone,” he says. “I dream about it.”

A surprisingly high percentage of people in their 50s are living sexless lives — and the number is growing. In 2018, 20 percent of Americans ages 50 to 59 hadn’t had sex in the past year. By 2022, the number was 30 percent, according to data from the biannual General Social Survey (GSS), conducted by the University of Chicago’s National Opinion Research Center. How bad is that? The sexless rate was just under 10 percent for Americans ages 40 to 49 and around 12 percent for those 30 to 39.

Even sexually active 50-somethings aren’t necessarily satisfied, according to a new AARP study called “Ageless Desire: Sex and Relationships in Middle Age and Beyond.” Forty-three percent of people in their 50s are not having sex as often as they wish they were, the survey found.

Percentage of Americans 50–59 who aren’t having sex

Women

25% in 2016
41% in 2022

Men

15% in 2016
18% in 2022

Although the COVID pandemic didn’t ignite this trend, it did accelerate it, says Nicholas H. Wolfinger, who studies the GSS data as a professor of family and consumer studies and adjunct professor of sociology at the University of Utah. Why might this be? Gen Xers are facing multiple mojo-reducing challenges, including sandwich-generation stress and fatigue. Physical changes due to menopause or health issues such as high blood pressure and diabetes can wreak havoc on the libido. Renée Yvonne, a certified sex counselor in Washington, D.C., who specializes in Gen Xers, once dated a man with a low sex drive due to a drug he was taking. “I felt embarrassed because we’re taught that all men want sex,” she recalls. “I thought something was wrong with me.”

For singles, finding a partner in your 50s can feel like entering an alien universe. Just 23 percent of Americans in their 50s have ever used a dating website or app, and only 5 percent did so within the past year, according to a Pew Research Center study. “When we first started dating, there weren’t all of these apps,” Yvonne says. “Some people just say, ‘Why am I going through this?’ ”

But there is hope. To rev up your sex life, consider this advice from medical and psychological experts.

If your sex drive has diminished …

Call the doctor. Get a physical, and make sure any chronic ailments are under control. Don’t be shy about mentioning your libido. Women can talk to the gynecologist about treatments such as vaginal estrogen. “Dryness is an easily reversible condition,” says Jen Gunter, an ob-gyn in San Francisco and author of The Menopause Manifesto.

Lighten up. Being overweight can affect your sex drive physiologically and emotionally. Dissatisfaction with your looks “translates to low sexual self-esteem,” says Westchester County, New York, gynecologist Alyssa Dweck, chief medical officer with Bonafide Health and coauthor of The Complete A to Z for Your V.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How Do ‘Throuples’ Make It Work?

How do you overcome the emotional and practical hurdles that can complicate a three-person romantic relationship

By Mark Travers

Falling in love with two people at once is a genuine and profound experience for many. It’s not merely about divided affection; it’s about an expansive capability to care, connect and commit to more than one person. The decision to form a throuple can arise from various motivations, ranging from a shared bond or common goals to mutual attraction or simply the evolution of a friendship into something more.

Despite society becoming increasingly open-minded, non-traditional relationships like throuples (romantic relationships between three people) still face a set of unique challenges. It’s crucial to recognize that these relationships demand just as much dedication and work, if not more. Setting ground rules becomes paramount. Without clear guidelines and continuous dialogue, misunderstandings can spiral into larger conflicts.

Here are two conversations that can help throuples smooth out the kinks in what can be a potentially unstable dynamic.

1. The “Are We Ready To Do This” Conversation

When considering a throuple relationship, it’s essential to discuss and understand each partner’s background, experiences and motivations. Recognizing and embracing diversity early on can set the stage for open communication and mutual respect.

A 2019 study published in The Journal of Sex Research contrasted polyamorous relationships with monogamous ones in terms of demographics and life choices. It found that polyamorous individuals, including those who favor being in a throuple, often identified with minority sexual orientations. Moreover, they demonstrated tendencies towards civil unions and had experienced higher rates of divorce. Additionally, their annual incomes often fell below $40,000 compared to those in monogamous relationships.

These findings are more than just numbers—they hint at experiences, challenges and perspectives that individuals in throuples might bring into the relationship. While the age range was similar between both groups, life experiences and choices diverged significantly. Such insights can serve as valuable talking points for potential throuples. By acknowledging and discussing these differences from the outset, throuples can lay a solid foundation for their relationship, tolerant of diversity and emotional and experiential complexity.

Here are some ideas to ponder before considering taking the three-person relationship plunge:

  • Self-awareness. How well do you know your own boundaries, needs and triggers? Are you open to understanding and adapting to the needs and boundaries of two other individuals?
  • Past relationship dynamics. Given the higher rates of divorce and civil unions among polyamorous individuals, it’s worth discussing past relationships. What did you learn from them, and how can those lessons inform the dynamics of the throuple?
  • Financial compatibility. How do you envision sharing financial responsibilities? Will the financial contribution be even, or based on individual contribution?
  • Cultural and societal concerns. Given the non-traditional nature of throuples, are you prepared to face potential societal biases or prejudices? How will you handle questions or critiques from family, friends and strangers?
  • Having these conversations up front can provide clarity and help in setting the relationship on a firm foundation. Each question is designed to unravel complexities, address potential challenges and ensure that every individual in the throuple feels seen, heard and valued.

    2. The Regular “Check-In”

    Given that there are three individuals involved, each with their unique emotions, needs and expectations, ensuring a balance where everyone feels valued can be a delicate act. All three individuals will evolve as the relationship progresses, and their needs might shift. Regular check-ins provide a platform to address feelings or concerns that might arise, ensuring they don’t fester or escalate into bigger issues. Topics for regular check-ins might include:

    • Emotional well-being. Are the emotional needs or concerns of each partner addressed?
    • Time management. How are all three partners ensuring that they get quality time both individually and collectively? Are any adjustments needed?
    • Boundaries. Are the established boundaries still working? Do they need revisiting or adjusting based on the relationship’s progression?
    • Future planning. Throuples need to consider their future—living arrangements, financial plans or even family planning if that’s on the table.

    These conversations can help throuples identify issues that may not be obvious in everyday life. For instance, a 2021 study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that 21% to 33% of individuals who had previously engaged in polyamory grappled with personal possessiveness and challenges in managing the associated emotions.

    While prior research suggests that jealousy is a more common problem in monogamous relationships, not polyamorous ones, the unique structure of a throuple might naturally present more varied situations that can trigger jealousy compared to a monogamous relationship. However, it’s essential to understand that jealousy isn’t exclusive to one type of relationship. The key, for such relationships, lies in recognizing potential jealousy triggers, maintaining open communication and setting clear boundaries, which can be made possible by frequent check-ins.

    Conclusion

    When it comes to making a throuple work, the foundation lies in trust, understanding and respect. While open conversations about your expectations and goals are important in any relationship, conversations about the whats, whys and hows become especially important in non-traditional arrangements. Although every throuple is unique, each will evolve over time. Recognizing that change is constant and being willing to navigate it together is crucial.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The male menopause

— Genuine condition or moneymaking myth?

Late onset hypogonadism, sometimes likened to a ‘male menopause’, occurs in 2.1% of men who are almost exclusively over the age of 65.

Experts say there is no equivalent of the menopause for men and symptoms such as depression and low sex drive have other explanations

By

This week brought reports that “male menopause” policies are in place at several NHS trusts, with some HR managers suggesting staff could receive up to a year of sick pay if they experience symptoms. This is despite the NHS itself saying male menopause is not a clinical condition and that it is not national NHS policy to offer leave for it.

We take a look at the science behind the term.

What is meant by the “male menopause”?

The male menopause, also known as the andropause, is a term often used to refer to a cluster of features seen in some men in their late 40s to early 50s, such as depression, loss of sex drive, mood swings, erectile dysfunction, problems sleeping and loss of muscle mass.

However the NHS notes this is not a clinical condition. Rather, it says, it is an “unhelpful term sometimes used in the media”.

So this isn’t a male version of what women go through?

In a word, no.

Dr Ravinder Anand-Ivell, associate professor of endocrinology and reproductive physiology at the University of Nottingham and an expert of the European Academy of Andrology, says that the two are quite different.

“The menopause represents acute symptoms caused by the relatively abrupt cessation of ovarian hormonal function due to the exhaustion of a woman’s egg reserve at around 50 plus [or] minus five years of age,” she said. “Men have no equivalent physiology.”

Prof Richard Sharpe, an expert in male reproductive disorders from the University of Edinburgh, agreed.

“There is no question that, in normal men at the population level, blood testosterone levels decline with age from late 30s to early 40s onwards,” he said. “However, there is no precipitous fall in [blood testosterone] levels akin to that which occurs for estrogen levels in women at the menopause.”

Sharpe also stressed that some men may experience little blood testosterone decline when ageing. “It can be quite variable between individuals – unlike the 100% occurrence of menopause in women,” he said.

Does that mean the “male menopause” is made up?

Not exactly.

“There is a condition in some elderly men, known as ‘late onset hypogonadism’ or more recently called ‘functional hypogonadism’, which is characterised by low concentrations of testosterone in the blood together with symptoms of testosterone deficiency such as loss of libido, bone and muscle weakness, etc,” said Anand-Ivell.

But, she added, this occurs in approximately 2.1% of men, almost exclusively over the age of 65.

While some men with late-onset hypogonadism (LOH) may benefit from testosterone replacement therapy, its wider use has caused controversy. Some experts have raised concerns that it is being given to patients who have some similar symptoms to LOH but may have blood testosterone levels within the normal range for that age group.

“This is what I refer to as a ‘charlatan’s charter’; as such, general symptoms will occur in most men during – and before – ageing, but are almost always driven by other factors,” said Sharpe.

So what is behind this cluster of symptoms?

Anand-Ivell said men who reported sudden symptoms, and at a younger age, might well be experiencing another underlying health problem.

Indeed, as the NHS notes, features that have been ascribed to a “male menopause” could be down to lifestyle factors or psychological problems.

“For example, erectile dysfunction, low sex drive and mood swings may be the result of stress, depression [or] anxiety,” the NHS says, adding other causes of erectile dysfunction include smoking or heart problems.

Financial and life worries may also play a role in the symptoms some men experience during ageing, as could poor diet, lack of sleep and low self-esteem, the NHS notes.

Sharpe added that conditions such as obesity, and its downstream disorders, were also generally associated with lower blood testosterone levels in men, with some arguing it might predispose them to further weight gain.

As for treatment, Prof Frederick Wu of Manchester Royal Infirmary said the approach was threefold: “Lifestyle change, weight loss and improve general health,” he said.

Why is the male menopause getting attention?

Experts say a key reason the “male menopause” is a hot topic is money.

Anand-Ivell said: “A lot of the ‘andropause’ literature stems from commercial interests, particularly in the USA, wishing to draw spurious comparisons with the female menopause in order to sell testosterone-related products for which there is no clinical evidence of benefit.”

The latest headlines, meanwhile, have been fuelled by the revelation that male menopause policies are in place at several NHS trusts. Sharpe said: “For myself, I am amazed that any health board would even talk about there being an andropause, let alone suggesting time off.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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I’m falling in love with my hook-up buddy and have no idea what to do about it

— And have no idea what to do about it

By George Tzintis

    • I met a guy on Grindr, and we started hooking up regularly.
    • The intimacy of both our sex and our conversations afterward may be making me fall for him.
    • I also wonder whether I’m just projecting my desire for a relationship onto him.

A “relationship” in the queer world has always felt ambiguous to me.

For queer people like me, love and relationships can be confusing. That’s probably why I’ve never had a boyfriend even though I’m 31.

But now that I have a stable job with a stable income and a pretty close-knit group of friends, I feel ready for a relationship — whatever that means. It’s just unfortunate that I’m falling for my hook-up buddy.

One day, I found myself staring at a headless torso on one of the apps and messaged him

I was on Grindr, and I saw a beautiful guy with a six-pack. His profile said he was in an open relationship and looking for “buddies, preferably hung.”

The first time we met was at a park in broad daylight behind some bushes. It wasn’t what I expected, but it definitely set the tone for what was to come — unexpected with a side of kinky.

When I first saw him, I didn’t recognize him from the photos he had sent me. But as he started to approach me while I sat on a park bench, he was surprisingly more attractive in real life.

I knew I was done for the moment he started to talk. The way he held himself sent shivers up my spine.

He’s cute, he’s sweet — OK, scratch that. He’s hot, he’s unbelievably hot. He has a side of dominance that could melt your jockstrap and make your eyes roll to the back of your head.

We usually play in the backseat of his car. I know, how juvenile. But it’s kind of kinky and rebellious, which surprisingly turns me on more than I thought it would.

Once was fun; twice was heaven. Now every time we play, I feel as if I’m being transported to another dimension that could save me, kill me, or ruin my soul.

I’m starting to develop feelings for him

If I had to calculate and give you a rough estimate for the number of times he and I have had sex, we’re looking at about 15 to 20 times. So, if we’re trying to quantify this relationship and add some math to this already complex equation, that’s a lot of hours spent together, kissing, cuddling, and being intimate with each other.

When we play, I feel as if there’s something more going on than what’s happening in front of us. We lock eyes the entire time, every kiss is met with a moan, and every touch is met with a quiver.

We always talk after, which surprises me because I’m usually the one who’s opting to put my pants back on and get out of a guy’s apartment as quickly as possible. But with him, it’s different. He listens, truly listens — even when I go on a tangent about nothing.

I’ve never really had a guy who listened before.

Yes, he’s in an open relationship, and they’re both allowed to go off and do whatever they want with whomever they want. But he has to keep it to sex; he’s not allowed to date other people.

He even told me that when he first started dating his partner, they had issues because his partner wanted to be monogamous and he didn’t. He said he knew himself and would cheat on his partner if their relationship were closed. Being open for fun would allow him to “scratch my itch.”

I wonder whether I’m latching onto him just because I want a relationship now

I must admit, the whole “scratch my itch” was exceedingly off-putting. I’m surprisingly a really big fan of monogamy, but I keep looking past it in hopes that we might be something more. The thought of having someone who looks at me — and only me — is profoundly endearing. I want that. I yearn for that.

Maybe I’m just projecting that want onto my hook-up buddy. Maybe I’m just fooling myself and am falling for the idea of him. Honestly, I’m just at a loss for what to do.

If Mr. Itch isn’t going to be the one to scratch “my itch,” then do I give him the flick in the hopes of finding something that’s truly right for me?

I’m not sure, but, for now, I’m going to continue to enjoy the benefits part of our relationship.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What is premature ejaculation?

— Finishing too soon during sex can be very distressing, but it is definitely treatable.

By Gigi Engle

Imagine you’re with someone super hot. You’re about to start having sex (whatever that sex act may look like for you). You’re in the moment and are very excited to start touching each other. You get going and it’s pretty freakin’ great. Suddenly, you realize you’re actually TOO excited. Without any real warning, you’re past the point of no return. You ejaculate. Maybe you feel embarrassed. Maybe you feel ashamed. Maybe a bit of both.

Enter: Premature Ejaculation (PE). Premature ejaculation is incredibly common. It is widely considered to be one of the biggest sexual function issues amongst penis owners. One in three penis-owning people experience issues with PE in their lifetime. That’s 30 percent of people with dicks!

When online misinformation about sexual health abounds, it’s difficult to know where to turn for answers. We spoke to urologists and sex therapists to get accurate answers to your burning questions.

Just because PE is common doesn’t mean it’s something that is easy to handle. Dr. Anika Ackerman, a urologist specializing in sexual medicine, says that the lack of control that comes with PE can be incredibly frustrating and distressing for those who suffer from it.

Luckily, PE is highly treatable. “It’s crucial to realize that many [people] experience this challenge, and with the appropriate guidance, it’s manageable,” says Dr. Nazanin Moali, a psychologist, sex therapist, and the host of Sexology podcast.

So, with all this in mind (and possibly peen), let’s break down what premature ejaculation is, why it happens, and some strategies for dealing with it.

What is premature ejaculation?

Premature ejaculation is defined as reaching ejaculation before you want to. Technical definitions usually define “before you want to” as ejaculation within 1-3 minutes of sexual activity or penetration. PE “is a condition where a penis owner does not have voluntary, conscious control or the ability to choose, in most encounters, when to ejaculate,” says Dr. Lee Phillips, Ed.D, a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist.

PE can be situational or ongoing. Meaning, it can be something that happens in certain contexts with certain people or during nearly every (or all) sexual encounters, regardless of the context. Ejaculating “too quickly” isn’t defined as PE unless it occurs on a regular basis. “It denotes a pattern that has been present for at least half a year and manifests almost every time, if not every single time, during sexual engagement,” Moali says.

What causes PE?

Most experts believe that if no medical issues are detected, the causes for PE are largely psychological and emotional – though the exact reasons are widely undetermined. It’s important to speak with your medical provider to rule out any medical conditions that may cause PE.

One popular theory is that PE is rooted in a disconnect with your sexual response cycle. Meaning, you aren’t in-tune with the way your body responds sexually, which impacts your control over your body’s ejaculatory function during sex.

Let’s talk about something every single one of us has (probably) heard: That you should think of anything besides sex in order to last longer in bed. This widespread social narrative encourages young men and penis owners to think things like their grandma naked or a body covered in boils.

Spoiler! This is actually the opposite of what you should do if you want to last longer. When we step away from awareness of what our bodies are doing, we lose all control. Meaning, we’re much more likely to orgasm before we’re ready to. How about them apples?

Philips says that performance anxiety may also play a role – when we’re very nervous to be with a new partner, we may become overly excited too quickly, resulting in PE. This anxiety about PE can lead to more anxiety, which can perpetuate the problem.

Ironically, performance anxiety can also lead to difficulties in getting or maintaining erections. Bodies are all kinds of wild and the ways they respond vary greatly.

Understanding the sexual response cycle in relation to PE.

To understand PE, we have to understand exactly how the body responds during sex.

According to pioneering sex researchers, Masters and Johnson, the sexual response cycle takes place in four phases: excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution.

For our purposes, excitement and arousal are the most important phases to observe. Excitement is sexual arousal, when we begin to get turned on (whether that be from physical stimulation, dirty talk, sexting, porn etc.). Plateau is when we’re feeling super hot and bothered – coasting towards climax – when sexual play gets going and you’re feeling it big time.

In cases of PE, the issue lies in the plateau phase – namely, that is quite short and, in some cases, nonexistent. This means that you jump from being sexually aroused right to orgasm. Hence, finishing more quickly than you might want to.

(We should note that there are many other models that are used to explain the complexity of human sexual response, but Masters and Johnson’s straightforward four-phasic model is very helpful in understanding premature ejaculation).

In this same vein, we should consider how long we’re actually in the plateau phase. It’s quite common that someone might think they have premature ejaculation, but in reality, they aren’t aware of how long they’ve been coasting toward the Big O.

You may think you’re not lasting long enough in bed, when really you last quite a normal amount because you’ve been in the excitement and/or plateau phase for a prolonged period of time, pre-sex. For instance: When a penis-owning person has been thinking about sex all day, this means that the sexual response cycle has been building long before the actual sex even happens. This can lead to people believing that they have PE when, in reality, they aren’t in tune with the ways their bodies respond to sexual stimuli.

If this is all new to you, don’t worry. We have junk sex ed in general, and absolutely nothing in regards to sexual difficulties like erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation. The more we know about our bodies, the more confident we can feel in them.

5 expert-approved strategies for dealing with premature ejaculation.

  • Focus on sensation and what is happening in the body.

As we mentioned above, the socially prescribed advice for lasting longer during sex is to “think about anything else.” This is incorrect. Instead, start to practice paying attention to what is happening within the body during sexual arousal, in order to build awareness. “This mindful approach can lead to a more relaxed and prolonged sexual experience,” Moali says. When we’re more aware, we’re in better control.

  • Start Stop Technique

Philips recommends trying the Start Stop Technique as a way to gain more control over your erections. When you’re masturbating, stop once you feel yourself starting to get close to orgasm. “Wait 30 seconds or a minute, and then repeat, masturbating until you feel the point at which ‘coming’ is imminent,” he says. “Time how long it takes for you to get to this point.” Repeat this process 3-4 times. This will help you get a better understanding of the sensations in your body and bring awareness to when you’re going over the edge. This should be an ongoing practice.

  • The Squeeze Technique

Ackerman suggests The Squeeze Technique during solo or partnered activity. “In the squeeze method, the partner or patient will squeeze the penis to delay orgasm,” she says. Do this when you’re starting to feel close to orgasm. While there isn’t a ton of scientific data to support this method, it has been found to be very useful within clinical settings.

  • Take a penis-touching-break during sexual activity.

If you find that you’re getting too turned on and worry you’re going to bust before you’re ready, consider taking a break from penis stimulation, focusing on your partner instead, with oral pleasure, sex with toys, or a sensual massage. “This change of pace can help reduce your arousal, slowing the process and offering a more satisfying, longer-lasting experience for both parties,” Moali says.

  • Seek out professional assistance.

A sex therapist is someone who specializes in sexual wellness and sexual function issues. They can help you process underlying emotions and psychological issues that may be causing and/or perpetuating PE. They can also give you exercises to modify your behaviors around masturbation and sex. “The goal is to relax your nervous system and to be grounded in your body,” Lee says. There is nothing wrong with needing a little extra assistance on your sexual health journey.

All in all, PE is a very common problem that has highly successful outcomes when treated. You’re not alone. You’re not broken. And there is help for you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Curiously, Mammals Keep Evolving Same-Sex Sexual Behavior

A pair of Japanese snow monkeys

By Clare Watson

Sexual behavior between members of the same sex might have evolved multiple times in mammals, according to a new study, adding to numerous examples found across the tree of life.

More than 1,500 species have been known to engage in same-sex sexual behaviors, including bats, beetles, sea stars, snakes, penguins, cows, fish, and worms.

Among mammals, primates are particularly notable, with sexual activity within sexes observed in at least 51 species, from lemurs to apes to, of course, humans.

Once viewed as peculiar outliers, mounting data shows that same-sex behaviors that include courting, mounting, cooing, or copulating are widespread in animals, both male and female, wild or captive.

It’s this data, specifically what’s been published on mammals, that University of Granada ecologist José Gómez and colleagues compiled to test several theories scientists have recently proposed to explain how same-sex behaviors evolved.

“Since it does not contribute directly to reproduction, same-sex sexual behavior is considered an evolutionary conundrum,” Gómez and colleagues write in their published paper. If it doesn’t result in any offspring, why else might it be advantageous?

Most studies have only looked at individual species, though. So Gómez and colleagues used a phylogenetic approach to compare the emergence and prevalence of same-sex sexual behavior among mammals.

If same-sex behaviors evolved to help maintain social relationships, facilitating reconciliation after conflict like what has been observed in female bonobos, or strengthening alliances as seen in male bottlenose dolphins, then those behaviors should be more frequent in social mammal species, Gómez and colleagues reasoned.

Indeed, their analysis (which adjusted for how often a particular species had been the focus of research) found that same-sex behaviors were more prevalent in highly social mammals.

The researchers also found same-sex behaviors to be more common in species that exhibit aggressive and sometimes lethal behaviors. This supports the idea that same-sex interactions may communicate or reinforce social hierarchies, helping to mitigate the risks of violent conflict.

Tracing same-sex behaviors along ancestral lines, Gómez and colleagues’ analysis suggested that same-sex behavior has been “gained and lost multiple times during mammalian evolution”, though it appears to be a recent phenomenon in most mammalian lineages.

Same-sex behaviors aren’t randomly scattered across mammals either; they are more common in some clades and rare in others.

“We fully recognize that these results may change in the future if same-sex sexual behavior is studied more intensively and comes to be detected in many more species,” Gómez and colleagues write.

Before this latest study, researchers had taken issue with similar efforts to explain how same-sex behavior evolved. By presenting same-sex sexual behavior as an ‘evolutionary conundrum’, they say it implies that different-sex sexual behavior is the baseline condition from which same-sex behavior arose.

Rather, in 2019, Ambika Kamath and colleagues suggested a different starting point, one of indiscriminate sexual behavior where ancestral animals mated with individuals of all sexes, perhaps before they evolved recognizable sex-specific traits now used to attract mates.

While Gómez and colleagues’ analysis counters that view for mammals, in that same-sex behaviors don’t appear to be a shared ancestral trait in this group, both groups of researchers caution against transposing theories of animal sexual behavior onto humans, and vice versa.

Same-sex behavior here includes even brief interactions observed between animals, which says nothing of human preferences.

And though we may be related to other mammals, viewing animal behavior through the lens of our own societal norms has long precluded scientists from appreciating the diversity of animal sex.

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A New Way to Prevent S.T.I.s

— A Pill After Sex

By Apoorva Mandavilli

In a bid to stem the resurgence of sexually transmitted infections, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention plans to recommend doxycycline, a widely used antibiotic, for use after an unprotected sexual encounter.

The antibiotic would be taken only by gay and bisexual men and transgender women who have had an S.T.I. within the previous year or who may be at risk for one. The scientific evidence is too limited to recommend the strategy, called doxy-PEP, to all people who might be exposed to infection-causing bacteria during sex.

The agency released draft guidelines on Monday and plans to finalize them after a 45-day public comment period.

A close-up view of a bottle of the antibiotic doxycycline, held by a hand in a pharmacy.
“We need game-changing innovations to turn the S.T.I. epidemic around, and this is a major step in the right direction,” an official with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said.

Why It Matters: Rates of S.T.I.s are skyrocketing.

In 2021, there were 1.6 million cases of chlamydia, more than 700,000 cases of gonorrhea and nearly 177,000 cases of syphilis in the United States, together tallying up to $1.1 billion in direct medical costs. (Rates of babies born with syphilis also soared that year, with nearly 3,000 affected.)

All three S.T.I.s are caused by bacteria and are easily treated with antibiotics. But the closure of sexual health clinics across the country and a drop in public awareness has contributed to a sharp rise in infections.

Gonorrhea cases have increased 118 percent since a historical low in 2009, according to the C.D.C. Syphilis was nearly eliminated in the United States about 20 years ago, but cases have risen 74 percent since 2017.

On any given day in 2018, about one in five Americans had an S.T.I., the C.D.C. has estimated.

“We need game-changing innovations to turn the S.T.I. epidemic around, and this is a major step in the right direction,” Dr. Jonathan Mermin, director of the agency’s National Center for H.I.V., Viral Hepatitis, S.T.D. and TB Prevention, said in an emailed statement.

The C.D.C.’s guidelines are based on studies that show that a single dose of doxycycline taken within 72 hours of unprotected sex dramatically cuts the risk of the infections.

Evidence from emerging research was compelling enough that clinics in some cities, such as San Francisco, have been offering doxy-PEP to those at high risk of infection for months. Generally, patients are given a supply of pills and told to take one within three days of an encounter during which they might have become infected.

But rates of S.T.I.s are highest among Black people and Native Americans, who are often those with the least access to health care. “No prevention tool — no matter how powerful — will change the S.T.I. epidemic if it doesn’t reach the people who need it most,” Dr. Mermin said.

Doxycycline has been in use for decades, and there are few indications that bacteria have become resistant to it. Syphilis and chlamydia do not often develop resistance, but gonorrhea is another question: Those bacteria have become resistant to multiple classes of antibiotics.

Still, the picture may change depending on how many people take doxy-PEP and how often, some experts cautioned.

“At the population level, that does worry me,” said Antón Castellanos Usigli, a sexual health expert who is an adjunct lecturer at the Columbia Mailman School of Health.

In places like his native Mexico, Dr. Castellanos Usigli said, indiscriminate use of antibiotics has fueled the rise of drug-resistant bacteria, which can alter a person’s gut microbiome.

What Happens Next: The C.D.C. will finalize new guidelines.

Evidence so far supports doxy-PEP’s use only in men who have sex with men and in transgender women. In those groups, the antibiotic cut rates of syphilis and chlamydia by about 90 percent and gonorrhea by about 55 percent.

Men who have sex with men account for nearly half of reported syphilis cases, according to the C.D.C. If studies show the approach to be effective in heterosexual cisgender men and cisgender women, the guidelines may be expanded.

The agency said doctors should prescribe doxy-PEP as part of a comprehensive sexual health program that includes counseling, screening and treatment for the infections and for H.I.V.

“Doxy-PEP will be a good option for some patients,” Dr. Castellanos Usigli said. “But we will have to do a lot of education with medical providers and patients so that we target the best candidates and prevent misuse and overuse.”

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Men And Women Have Breakup Sex For Two Reasons

— Here They Are

By Mark Travers

After a breakup, there is often a lingering sense of unfinished business and questions left unanswered. For many, physical intimacy with an ex-partner can provide a sense of finality and resolution—a way to say goodbye to the relationship on their own terms or to reaffirm the emotional bond that once existed.

Research in 2020 found that, regardless of gender, individuals may turn to breakup sex to maintain or rekindle their relationship, or to seek emotional closure.

However, the researchers also suggested that breakup sex might disproportionately benefit men more than women. Male participants in the study reported feeling better about themselves after breakup sex, whereas women reported feeling better about the terminated relationship, but worse about themselves.

A new study published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences offers a closer examination of the differences in why men and women engage in breakup sex.

The researchers discovered two underlying motivations for post-breakup intimacy: a fear of being single and a pattern of “sociosexuality.” These motivations are unpacked below.

1. A Fear Of Being Single

The researchers found that women who reported a heightened fear of being single expressed a greater desire for breakup sex. This was not a motivator for men in the study.

The fear of being alone or harboring concerns about one’s ability to find a new partner could lead to engaging in breakup sex as a way to avoid or mitigate these fears. The comfort of physical intimacy with a familiar ex-partner can provide a temporary sense of security.

Further, research shows that a fear of being single leads to settling for less in romantic relationships and makes individuals more likely to stay in an unsatisfying relationship. This fear also leads people to choose partners that are less emotionally responsive than they desire.

Therefore, in the face of alternatives that seem unfulfilling or unappealing, one might discover a newfound appreciation for what they had with their ex-partner—temporarily ignoring the reasons behind their split. This longing for ex-partners can prompt the pursuit of breakup sex.

2. A Pattern Of Sociosexuality

Sociosexuality, which refers to desire to engage in casual sexual encounters, emerged as another driving force for both men and women to engage in breakup sex. Individuals with a more relaxed attitude toward sex were more inclined to engage in post-breakup sexual encounters, seemingly driven by their heightened desire for sexual experiences. Such individuals were also more likely to have had breakup sex in the past.

The researchers found that men, more than women, engage in breakup sex for hedonistic pleasure and excitement. This desire aligns with the concept of “fiery limbo,” a relationship stage in which ex-partners continue to experience sexual attraction to one another, while grappling with the knowledge that they are no longer together. Their desire is possibly intensified by the uncertainty surrounding their relationship status.

The researchers suggest that women may have a lower motivation to engage in breakup sex for reasons of pleasure due to the possibility of becoming pregnant with a non-supportive partner. Further, heterosexual women might not be as interested in breakup sex for pleasure due to the “orgasm gap,” which refers to the lower likelihood of them reaching orgasm as compared to their male counterparts during a sexual encounter.

Conclusion

Breakup sex is a complex and multifaceted phenomenon driven by a combination of emotional, psychological and individual factors. For women, both sociosexuality and a fear of being single lead to a greater desire for breakup sex, whereas for men, sociosexuality and hedonistic pleasure play a greater role. The consequences of post-breakup intimacy can vary and there is no one-size-fits-all solution to dealing with the emotions that follow a breakup. The best we can do is thoughtfully evaluate how breakup sex impacts us and choose what benefits our mental health in the long run.

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Extreme Eye Contact and Other Ways of Dating

— Forget dinner and a movie: Let’s see if we can gaze into each other’s eyes for three minutes instead.

By merging the techniques of somatic therapy with the structure of a singles event, the Feels is able to fast-track physical intimacy, creating an environment in which someone may end up feeling a potential partner’s heartbeat within minutes of meeting.

By Gina Cherelus

What happens when you skip the small talk during a date and go straight to hand-holding?

For roughly 50 people meeting for the first time inside a candlelit loft in Brooklyn on Wednesday, the gathering was a chance to explore attraction and desire not only with someone new, but also within themselves. Their goal: to achieve a deep, romantic connection by jumping directly to the physical.

The event, known as the Feels, fast-tracks intimacy by fusing mindfulness practices like meditation, unnaturally long eye contact and even feeling each other’s heartbeats within an environment meant for potential romantic partners.

“It’s designed to get past that first layer of ‘What do you do? Where do you live? What do you like to do for fun?’ and into ‘Where are you at this moment in this wild human ride that is your life?’” Allie Hoffman, the host and founder, said before the event.

The night was tailored specifically for the so-called ethically nonmonogamous, or ENM — people who practice alternative relationship structures involving multiple partners, like polyamory.

“I’ve never been in a poly relationship, I’m exploring the dynamics,” said Eric Cave, who described himself as “poly-curious” and came from New Jersey for the event. “So in getting to know what I would be interested in, I would definitely want to have that strong emotional connection — nothing casual.”

Shortly after 7 p.m., the crowd — a mix of people of different races and ages — were given ground rules for the night and promptly started nestling on their backs over an assortment of patterned rugs inside an East Williamsburg event space called the Knife Factory. A few minutes into the process, they were called on to reach out for one another’s hands — the “first initiation of touch.” They were then grouped into pairs and told to ask each other personal questions, like “What are you ready to own about yourself?” or “What’s something that you’ve learned about your sexuality in the last six months?”

A close-up of someone leaning with his back against some leaning forward on the floor. His eyes are closed.
At one point in the evening, participants settled into positions seated back to back. As one leaned as far back as possible, the other hunched forward, forming a supportive base.

“Tonight the touch points are going to include your hand holding another hand, your back against somebody’s back, your hand on someone’s heart space and their hands on your heart space,” she said, “and you’re going to take turns leaning in and out of two long-held hugs.”

The sessions are sensual, but not erotic or sexual, according to Ms. Hoffman, who likes to instead describe it as “a love letter that will be between you and your body.” At first, the room was thick with nervous tension. Some people giggled when it was time to begin the extended eye-contact sessions (final count: 3 minutes 46 seconds), and one woman quickly took a sip of her wine before getting in position.

Another participant, who identified herself only as Jenny, said she was bracing for her “natural giggly mischievousness” to flare up the way it had in previous situations that were “very intentionally about creating a connection.” She was pleasantly surprised, however, “in that it does bring up some real, genuine-seeming feelings of connection.”

In the remaining three rounds, guests were asked to pair off with someone in the room they were interested in. Some chose the same person they had been matched with in the first round, while others gravitated quickly to participants who had clearly caught their eye. There were a couple of rejections and a few who settled for whoever was remaining.

“It got to that point where it was like musical chairs,” said Gabriel Rivera, 41, who was visiting from Los Angeles. “It wasn’t necessarily my first choice, but I did feel like I eased into it and the person made me feel comfortable.”

Ms. Hoffman said the idea for the event stemmed from two separate motivations: her desire, as a single, 39-year-old woman, to be around other single people, and her eagerness to put into action her studies at Columbia University, where she was then getting a master’s degree in spiritual psychology and learning about creating connections through physical communication, somatic awareness and mindfulness.

The first event took place last year and had about 20 attendees. Since then, she has held them twice a month and tailors each event to two different groups: ENM people and monogamous singles.

Two pairs of people sitting on the floor, staring at one another.
A session of sustained eye contact ran for a whopping 3 minutes 46 seconds.

Ms. Hoffman said the ENM events would be on hiatus until early 2024, explaining that while they began as a way for her to better understand her own feelings about nonmonogamy after a rocky relationship with a polyamorous man, she realized she was more interested in single-partner relationships.

As the night carried on, the degrees of physical separation in the room tightened. When guests were seated back to back, they leaned as far as their flexibility would allow while the other hunched forward as a supportive base. When it was time to touch each other’s “heart space,” some laid their hands directly on the left side of their partner’s chest while others made contact with just the tips of their fingers.

Somatic practices like meditation and eye gazing have long been incorporated in relationships. Many partners seek somatic couples therapy to heal issues and form deeper bonds and improve intimacy. The innovation here is attaching this mindfulness style to first-time romantic meet-ups. At first, it can be hard to imagine people who don’t know one another reaching that level of closeness, but as the night went on, guests were easing more into the practice and their partners.

“It felt like someone touched my soul,” one Brooklyn man, who declined to share his name for privacy reasons, said at the end of the night.

For the final somatic prompt, guests were asked to hug their partners and think about how they wanted to make their approach. One woman asked the man she was paired with if she could hug him from the back. Some hugs were tighter than others, some people rocked side to side, some people caressed their partners heads or dug their face in their hair.

When it was time to stop hugging, there were a couple of people who remained touching.

More people sitting on the floor, their eyes closed and their legs outstretched.
According to its founder, the event is intended to help participants bypass small talk and get straight to the loftier stuff: “Where are you at this moment in this wild human ride that is your life?”

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What Really Happens at a Sex Party?

— 8 Women Share Their True Stories

“Don’t be afraid to say no and set boundaries. It’s not free for all.”

By Varuna Srinivasan

Sex parties are exactly just that. They are parties, like any social gathering, except the people attending can (oftentimes) have sex. At some point in our lives, most of us have attempted to make out — or even get downright dirty — in the bathroom of a public venue, be it a nightclub, bar, or even an old-fashioned house party. (Plus, let’s be honest, many such locations are not safe places for women or queer folks.) Dancing and flirting are great, but if you’re looking to do more, know this: There are countless curated spaces that don’t just permit but encourage such mingling.

However, sex parties are not a monolith; they differ immensely from place to place, so I want you to forget what you’ve seen in the movies. While all such parties encourage sexual activity to some degree, it’s essential to have a clear understanding of what the party will entail — and to ensure that your own intentions, interests, and expectations align — prior to engaging in any activities (or even RSVPing). There are many differences between, say, a swingers orgy hosted at a person’s house versus a play party in a full-time dungeon, and both are quite unlike a warehouse party with beds in the back. My point: While your experience may vary for a number of reasons, the venue itself plays a big role.

Some parties encourage full-on orgies. Some are play parties that focus more on kink and not so much on penetration or heavy sexual activity. But all these events prioritize sex positivity, particularly play parties, also known as kink/BDSM parties.

“Play parties are often diverse and offer a protected outlet to explore diverse desires, specifically in groups beyond couple exchange,” explains Venus Cuffs, a nightlife entrepreneur and play party producer. “Swingers parties are typically, but not always, for couples in the swinger Lifestyle — with a capital L — meaning they like to play as a couple, often to varying degrees. But [they] will arrive and leave the party together and partake in couple-on-couple swaps.”

Cuffs says that people outside the BDSM community are often surprised to learn that most fetish or kink parties actually limit penetration, oral play, and, in some cases, even heavy petting.

What are some tips for a first-time sex party attendee?

It can feel daunting to go to a party where any type of sexual activity is encouraged. To ensure that you have a good time, below are three hot tip recommendations, straight from Venus Cuffs herself.

  1. Trust the source. Research the promote or group throwing and the party and make sure they prioritize consent and acceptance.
  2. Safety first. Make sure the people throwing the party have enforceable no-tolerance and policies and consent monitors.
  3. Communicate. Whether you’re going with a partner or alone, take time to mindfully think through desires, expectations and concerns. Check in with yourself often and prioritize your needs.

So, what are sex parties actually like?

Every experience is different, of course, so I spoke to eight women about their first time attending an event in one of these spaces. Curious to try out a sex party? Maybe you already RSVP’d and are now digging for details to figure out what you should expect. Either way, let their experiences give you a sneak preview on what it might involve.

Carly S. (26, New York City)

“When I was 18, I joined a swingers website. I started dating a couple who frequented swinger parties. My first experience was exciting because I went with [them], so we got a lot of attention because we were young, attractive, and all exhibitionists. It got me really into the sensual experience and meeting people who enjoyed it, as well.

“Now, I frequently attend parties, but instead of swinger parties, I tend to find more queer-oriented parties and kink-focused events. A typical event will have a space where people can chat (and not play) and get to know each other, as well as other various stations set up for different scenes to have fun. Consent and rules of engagement are typically involved in good spaces.

“Find a play partner who you can bring to explore with. It’s a lot easier when you have a friend to lean on for support. Also, nonsexual munches can be a great place to start and get to know people. Don’t be afraid to say no and set boundaries. It’s not free for all. If something or someone makes you uncomfortable, let someone know. “

Birdie* (23)

“I had previously attended a few fetish parties in Scotland called Torture Gardens. However, my first sex party was in November 2022.

“There was a lot of latex, leather, and lace involved. At around 9 p.m., we proceeded to the dungeon which was across the street from my friend’s home. The dungeon was divided into three parts: one had a couch, a wall of dildos, a standing cage, hoists, a spanking bench, and a big bed-like table. The second area featured a [penetrative machine] and a St. Andrew’s Cross, along with a bench and multiple impact play toys, ranging from riding crops to floggers made with rubber spikes. The third room was for those who wanted to indulge in [medical fetishism]. That room was stocked with equipment needed for sounding, milking, pumping, nitrous gas, speculums, and a [gynecologist] chair with provisions to have multiple restraints.

“It was definitely one of the more enlightening experiences of my life. The amount of aftercare each of us offered [one another] was extraordinary. Snuggles being shared across the rooms, people laughing, people moaning, people crying. Oh yes — crying. I cried. I cried a lot.”

Gray* (42)

“I discovered the swinging lifestyle after separating from my first husband in 2016. I met someone on Tinder who introduced me to sex clubs, parties, and the lifestyle. My first party was at a sex club in New York City called Checkmate.

“It was a regular-looking apartment building. We took the elevator downstairs, paid the fee, and were welcomed into a bar area. Once ready to play, we went to a locker area where we could take our clothes off and get ‘comfortable.’ We made it to the play areas: a group play room, a semi-private playroom, and the private play rooms. We observed and decided to start the party by playing together. Soon after, we were invited by other couples to join them and engaged in swapping situations. It was hot, a positive experience for sure. The rest is history.”

Christine Marie (44, New York City)

“My first experience was a prepandemic party in a private loft. This was a performance-based event where the performers sometimes engaged in sex on stage. I saw Vonka and Lydia of the Bluenettes perform a milk-soaked kitten-[themed] act, which was the wildest, hottest thing I had ever seen in porn or real life. I was in the front row, just a couple of feet from two beautiful writhing bodies engaged in sapphic love and pleasure.

“Since then, I’ve been to several different kinds of parties. There are no typical parties, as they all differ depending on who is throwing them. I only frequent parties [organized] by those who prioritize the safety of everyone involved, [which means] having clear consent standards, agreements, and boundaries and [hiring] guardians for attendees to reach out to as a way to reduce harm. Those are the parties that I often recommend.”

Annie* (early 30s)

“First, to clarify, I am not a member of the swing lifestyle. I am a member of the kink community and a BDSM practitioner. I have never had group sex, nor do I attend swing parties or share partners. I go to BDSM and kink-friendly parties, many of which are sex-positive. I am monogamous when dating and, although I engage in play at parties, it is not always inherently sexual.

“The first event I went to was a BDSM party for 18- to 35-year-olds. There were strict rules: no nudity and no penetrative play. I was really nervous, and my friend left me early on to go play with a friend of theirs, so I mostly spent the night talking to people and getting to know how a party works. There were dungeon monitors to make sure the scenes and people were safe, [as well as] toys you could borrow, a spanking bench, St. Andrew’s cross, several hard points for suspension, and a massage table. I ended up meeting a guy who had never been to a party either and we fooled around a bit in a kind of vanilla way. “

“My first time was at the Hacienda in Brooklyn. Hacienda is a house, so it’s a very social space —- at least, that has been my experience since I go to smaller parties where there is food prepared by a chef, an outdoor space where people talk, and play areas.

“Even though I knew the etiquette and theory — Playing Well With Others was a big help — I was a bit nervous. People told me I was a natural, but I think that’s just because I was very mindful, communicative, and open to new experiences. I had sex with three people separately, [each] on a one-on-one basis and not as a group, and met a ton of sex-positive individuals. It felt like I finally found my people.

“Everyone is nice to each other, everyone takes consent very seriously. I feel extremely safe there. There’s people that don’t play with anyone and just socialize and there’s others having seven-person orgies. You’ll find whatever you want there.”

Sass (29, Canada)

“My first experience was very positive. I went with someone who was very experienced in the kink and swinging community. It was a bit of a shock to see people engaging in various sexual acts all in the open — not in a negative way, [I simply hadn’t] been in that environment before.

“[The party featured] good music, lots of sexy people, and really hot scenes — so hot that I stepped out of my comfort zone to openly masturbate in a less-crowded area, [where a woman then] asked to join me. She also asked me if her husband could watch. I was surprisingly okay with it, considering I’m not really into men.”

Maya,* 28

“I’ve never been to a sex party, but I have been to a number of sex clubs. The first one I ever went to was KitKat in Berlin. I honestly wasn’t shocked by anything happening around me, it was a pretty free and accepting environment. All clubs work differently, but usually they will take your phone or give you a locker [for it] and potentially a place to get towels and things for safe sex. People can be having sex all around you and generally will only engage if you give clear consent.

“I’ve been to a few other clubs of this nature around the world and they have similar vibes. Some are more exclusive than others, some are more queer-focused, but the ethos around it [all] is positivity and enjoyment.”

*Interviews have been edited for length and clarity. Some names have been changed at the request of sources.

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