Month: July 2023

Posted on

Monkeys are having gay sex all the time, study finds

— Male monkeys regularly have gay sex and are “behaviourally bisexual”, according to researchers at Imperial College London.


Researchers have found male monkeys are regularly having gay sex — and it might beneficial for them

by Jake McKee

It found that same-sex sexual behaviour among monkeys made them better friends, and more likely to back each other up in conflicts.

A new study, published in Nature Ecology & Evolution, focused on 236 males within a wild colony of 1,700 rhesus macaques on a Puerto Rican island over three years.

The findings suggest that “same-sex sexual behaviours” (SSB) have evolved and could be a common feature of primate reproduction, challenging beliefs that this is rare in non-human animals.

SSB-engaging monkeys also had more offspring, the Independent reported.

More specifically, with all social mountings of the 236 males recorded (male-on-male and male-on-female), 72 per cent engaged in same-sex mounting compared with 46 per cent different-sex mounting.

Jackson Clive, from Imperial’s Georgina Mace Centre for the Living Planet, who worked on the study, said they found “most males were behaviourally bisexual”.

He added: “Variation in same-sex activity was heritable. This means that the behaviour can have an evolutionary underpinning: for example, we also found that males that mounted each other were also more likely to back each other up in conflicts. Perhaps this could be one of many social benefits to same-sex sexual activity.”

He hoped the results would encourage further discoveries.

Lead researcher, professor Vincent Savolainen, said their mission was to “advance scientific understanding of same-sex behaviour, including exploring the benefits it brings to nature and within animal societies”.

Same-sex behaviour ‘benefits’ societies

He highlighted how “more than two-thirds displayed same-sex behaviour and this strengthened the bonds within the community”.

The professor went on: “Unfortunately, there is still a belief among some people that same-sex behaviour is unnatural, and some countries sadly still enforce the death penalty for homosexuality.

“Our research shows that same-sex behaviour is in fact widespread among non-human animals.”

“Our mission is to advance scientific understanding of same-sex behaviour, including exploring the benefits it brings to nature and within animal societies.”

SSB has been observed in thousands of different animals. There are a range of theories as to why but little data to support any of them.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Think You’re In A Toxic Relationship?

— Here Are The Signs To Look For + What To Do

By Stephanie Barnes

If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1. For anonymous and confidential help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 or TTY1- 800-787-3224) and speak with a trained advocate for free as many times as you need. They’re available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can also speak to them through a live private chat on their website.

Toxic relationships can negatively impact our overall well-being, whether they’re romantic, familial, or platonic. From subtle forms of manipulation to more outright abuse, dealing with toxic behavior can have lasting effects, such as eroding your self-esteem, distorting your understanding of love, and even causing you to question your sanity.

This is why it’s important to understand what a toxic relationship is so you can protect yourself.

Almost any relationship can become toxic in nature if the underlying issues are not dealt with. As humans, we’re not perfect, and even the most well-adjusted person may engage in mildly toxic behavior now and again—especially if they’re under significant stress or they haven’t processed past traumas.

However, when someone chronically engages in toxic behaviors, they tend to cause significant harm in their interpersonal relationships.

According to Shan Boodram, a sex and relationships expert at Bumble, a toxic relationship is one that doesn’t complement or serve other areas of your life.

“A healthy relationship should be additive and make you excited about other parts of your life—friends, family, your job—but when it actually takes away from these things that should leave you feeling fulfilled, that’s when you find yourself in a toxic place,” Boodram tells mindbodygreen.

She goes on to say that while every healthy relationship will have high and low moments, you should ultimately be happy and supported more often than not.

“If you find yourself dealing with toxic behaviors more than 20% of the time, it’s time to reevaluate,” she says.

Signs of a toxic relationship

1. Love-flooding / love-bombing

Boodram says love bombing or flooding occurs when one party offers “an overwhelming amount of time, attention, and praise to you in the beginning of your relationship to entice you, when in reality, you do not know each other well enough for this behavior to be genuine.”

After a while, the praise will lessen, and that’ll leave you constantly trying to “please the other person to get back to the level of ‘love flooding’ you felt at the start,” Boodram explains.

2. Reductions / isolation

According to Boodram, reduction (or isolation) is a controlling behavior in which a partner starts to limit the time you can have with your family and friends, removing other healthy relationships from your life “little by little until [they’re] the only one that remains, leaving you feeling dependent.”

3. Lack of support

Even when healthy conflicts arise, you should always feel like your partner has your back. As your relationship grows, you should be able to understand each other’s needs and know that you need to feel supported to offer support in return. If you’re feeling a lack here, it could be an early sign of a toxic relationship.

4. Communication issues

Open and honest communication is required in all healthy relationships. According to licensed marriage and family therapist Silva Depanian, M.A., LMFT, assertive communication in particular is helpful in allowing individuals to clearly and respectfully articulate what has been bothering them, how they feel about it, and what they’d like to see done differently.

However, the most common communication styles are passive, passive-aggressive, or assertive—none of which allow for openness, clarity, or vulnerability within difficult situations.

Avoidance of issues, minimizing topics that the other person deems important, and becoming verbally or physically aggressive are all signs that the relationship is in a toxic zone.

5. Mutual respect

Healthy relationships also need mutual respect between both parties. According to Depanian, when individuals in a relationship feel safe and comfortable expressing their boundaries and can follow one another’s boundary requests, the relationship is healthy.

However, if individuals within a relationship feel unsafe expressing their boundaries or have had their boundary requests consistently violated despite repeated attempts to articulate their needs, then the toxicity of the relationship should be assessed.

6. Control issues

Another sign that your dynamic might not be healthy is control issues. Sexologist Carol Queen, Ph.D., says this can happen when a participant in the relationship makes decisions without the other’s consent—such as overly dominant behavior, not sharing info about spending or contracts, or crossing sexual boundaries.

7. Passive-aggression

Passive-aggressive behavior is a sign that a relationship is (or could be) becoming toxic, and as clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., explains, it’s also a form of emotional abuse.

“The passive-aggressive relationship is one in which one or all participants do not communicate or act in a straightforward manner to get their needs met. Instead, the passive-aggressive person secretly manipulates situations in a variety of ways in order to obtain their goals,” she says.

8. Codependency

Codependency is another commonly known toxic relationship pattern, Manly also points out. The codependent dynamic is one in which participants enable each other’s toxic behaviors in a variety of ways, from drug abuse to alcohol abuse to remaining stuck in patterns that perpetuate negative behaviors and avoid self-growth.

9. Emotional abuse

Emotional abuse can be hard to immediately identify. If the abuser is very adept at being abusive, they may be withholding in nature, “kindly” critical, or generally insult the other person in subtle, hard-to-spot ways that leave the abused feeling off-kilter and wondering why the interactions seem so difficult and painful.

There are also more obvious cases, where the abuser will be highly vocal in offering criticisms, disparaging comments, and ongoing verbal assaults.

10. Enmeshment

According to Manly, enmeshment is mutually toxic behavior that overtly or subtly limits the ability to act as an individual. An enmeshed relationship offers little freedom, whether within a family unit or a romantic partnership.

In this form of a toxic relationship, the participants secretly fear the growth and challenge of moving beyond the bounds of the relationship.

11. The need to be right

A need to be right will rear its head when a person in the relationship is more concerned with being right than with anything else, including concern for the other person’s feelings, says clinical psychologist Cynthia King, Psy.D. They are concerned with “rightness” even when it doesn’t matter that much, which goes hand in hand with assigning blame, even when it’s not necessary.

12. Defensiveness

If you’re in a toxic dynamic, you might find that the other person struggles to receive feedback. King says this can come out as being argumentative when feedback is being given or deflecting or denying when feedback is delivered.

13. Lack of personal growth

According to Lisa Lawless, Ph.D., partners should encourage each other to grow. “When one or both partners cannot pursue their own interests and goals,” she says, “this can signal a toxic dynamic.”

14. Distrust

Lawless also says jealousy and insecurity are expected to be felt on occasion, but when such feelings fuel a partnership and are without trust, the foundation of the relationship is no longer stable.

15. Constant negativity

While everyone has negative thoughts and expressions, a relationship can begin to feel toxic when negativity is chronic. When a person continuously focuses their energy on things that bring them sadness, anger, or anxiety, it can begin to feel draining for the other person.

16. Constant dishonesty

One of the main aspects of a healthy committed relationship is trust. If one or both people is constantly struggling with trusting each other, then it’s also likely that the entire relationship may devolve into dishonest statements.

17. Emotional manipulation

Manipulation is another major hallmark of a toxic relationship, according to therapist Steve Carleton, LCSW, CACIII. “This can take many forms, from gaslighting to guilt-tripping,” he explains, adding, “They may make the victim feel bad about themselves or constantly use guilt as a way to control their partner’s behavior.”

For example, he says, a toxic person might use guilt-tripping phrases such as, “If you really loved me, you would…,” or gaslighting phrases like, “You’re being overly dramatic.”

18. Triangulation

Lastly, according to licensed clinical psychologist Avigail Lev, Psy.D., one other sign of a toxic relationship is triangulation. “Triangulation is when your partner brings other people into the relationship, causing feelings of jealousy, insecurity, or competition,” she explains.

For example, in triangulation, a toxic person might say something like, “Your cousin told me she was so mad at you and thought you were being selfish.”

The impact of toxic relationships

As you can imagine, dealing with a toxic relationship and everything that comes with it will have an impact. In the short term, this could look like simply missing out on the opportunity to date people who are good for you. But it could also lead to embarrassment, according to sexologist and sensual yoga teacher Joy Berkheimer, Ph.D.

If a toxic person love-bombed you, for instance, “You end up telling all your friends about it and possibly posting about it,” she explains, adding that this is often followed by the silent treatment with unknown causes, bouts of sudden passive-aggressive jealousy, or outright insults to your appearance and/or intelligence that leave you speechless.

“Then [you don’t want] to share anything with anyone about this interaction anymore,” Berkheimer explains.

And in the long term, the effects of dealing with a toxic relationship are more serious. This can look like being isolated from your loved ones, changes to your body from exhaustion due to arguments or anxiety from relationship distress, emotional turmoil from feeling confused by a partner who keeps you in an ongoing cycle of breaking up and getting back together, and trauma bonding.

Trauma bonding is connecting with an abusive person who mistreats you emotionally, physically, and/or sexually. Unconsciously, you form a strong bond with your romantic partner to cope with your trauma or abuse—and Berkheimer says this is a recipe for a dangerous disaster.

The longer you stay in a toxic relationship, the harder it is to break away. In these partnerships, there’s an imbalance of control and continual aggression.

How to deal with a toxic relationship

The first step in dealing with a toxic relationship of any kind is to recognize the signs and be able to see it for what it is. All the aforementioned signs are red flags to watch out for, but if it’s helpful, here’s a straightforward quiz to help you figure out if your relationship is toxic.

It’s important to try not to lie to yourself and deny the truth of your current reality. According to relationship expert Audrey Hope, once you’ve done this, consider making boundaries of self-love and self-care to take care of yourself. You can walk out of the room, leave the house, or simply not allow the person to mistreat you. You can say something neutral like, “I hear you, and I will be going now.”

And as therapist Julia Purcaro, LMFT, CASAC, suggests, seeking professional guidance and support is also a good idea. She tells mindbodygreen that this can be beneficial in coping with a breakup of any kind but especially when it comes to ending toxic relationships.

“If you have tried to set boundaries with [them] and advocated for your needs over and over and nothing has changed, then it might be best to cut all ties. During this time, you can reach out to family and friends who can provide emotional support and guidance in a safe environment,” Purcaro says, adding, “You can find a therapist who can help you process your emotions, heal from the toxic experience, and rebuild your self-esteem.”

The takeaway

Whether the toxic relationship in your life is romantic, platonic, or within your own family, these unhealthy dynamics can take a big toll on how you feel about yourself, and your well-being as a whole. Healthy relationships should be a source of joy and love in our lives, and anything less is not worth the cost.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Sex After 60?

— You Need to Know About STD Prevention

By

Coming this fall to your TV screen: “The Golden Bachelor.” That’s right, reality television fans, seniors are finally getting their shot at this (somewhat unscripted) love connection. The suspenseful rose ceremonies and extravagant date nights are likely. But will there be an overnight in the fantasy suite?

If this is, in fact, reality, then there should be. Physical intimacy important — sex even has health benefits. Yes, even for those in their twilight years. Shining a light on sex after 60 may be just what the doctor ordered. But seniors also need to know how to protect themselves from sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

STD Rates Rise Along with Sex After 60

Sexual health may not be a topic older adults are keen on discussing — even with their care providers. “Unfortunately, this reluctance to talk about sex is putting newly single seniors at risk for sexually transmitted infections,” says Laurie Archbald-Pannone, MD, a geriatrician with UVA Health. As a geriatrician, she specializes in primary care for older adults.

One analysis showed that in adults over age 60, diagnosis rates for STDs (also known as sexually transmitted infections or STIs) increased 23% in 3 years.

That’s more than double the increase seen in the rest of the population, which saw a rise of just 11% in diagnoses of STDs. The main STDS are gonorrhea, chlamydia, and herpes simplex.

Why the STD Boom Among Boomers?

The rise is likely due to “a lack of awareness among this age group about STI prevalence and prevention,” says Archbald-Pannone.

“A common scenario is when someone older in life suddenly rejoins the dating scene after a decades-long monogamous relationship. This person may not have a history of STI education, so may not be aware of appropriate prevention or STI signs and symptoms,” she says.

With increased availability of medications for menopausal symptoms and erectile dysfunction, sex after 60 is more common. But older adults are also more susceptible to infections due to age-related changes in immune function. For women, postmenopausal vaginal dryness can increase the risk for tears in the vaginal wall, which can accelerate the spread of infection.

Let’s Talk About Sex After 60

Unfortunately, says Archbald-Pannone, many clinicians are missing an opportunity to educate this population about STD prevention, including the use of condoms and the importance of screening.

“In terms of sexual health, we as providers readily talk about STI prevention with younger patients,” she says. “Among older adults, however, studies show clinicians are not having the same conversations. Often it’s because the provider is uncomfortable bringing up the topic. At any age, it’s difficult to discuss sensitive topics. But, as providers, we can have a big impact by talking to our patients about sexual practices, sexual health and STI prevention.

“We have to make sure that, as clinicians, we’re well educated on these topics so we can be a resource for our patients,” adds Archbald-Pannone. “We also have to create a judgment-free, open environment so patients feel comfortable having those conversations.”

4 Tips for STD Prevention

For anyone entering a sexual relationship, Archbald-Pannone has the following advice:

Talk to Your Partner

Be aware of your partner’s sexual history and STD risk factors before being intimate.

Use Protection

Condoms or other barrier methods used during intercourse prevent infections.

Looking for Senior Healthcare?

UVA Health geriatricians are experts in senior care.

Get Screened & Encourage Partners to Do the Same

If you are sexually active — either with a new partner, with several partners, or if your partner has recently had sex with others — you should have an annual STD screening. There is no age cutoff for screening.

Know STD Symptoms

If you’re having sex after 60 or any age, educate yourself on the signs and symptoms of gonorrhea, chlamydia, and herpes simplex. Some of the most common include:

  • Bumps, sores, or lesions around the genitals
  • Discharge from the penis or vagina
  • Painful urination

Get Treated

If you experience any unusual symptoms after engaging in sexual intercourse, don’t delay treatment. The condition can get worse.

Be sure to discuss your diagnosis with your partner so that they can get treatment as well.

Talk to Your Doctor

Your sexual health is an important part of your overall well-being. So don’t hesitate to discuss your questions and concerns with a clinician. Make your doctor aware of changes in your sexual practices to ensure you’re making safe choices when having sex after 60 or any age.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Why break-up sex is so good

— It’s no secret that sex with an ex can be really fun, and really hot, especially when you kind of hate each other. But why is it often even better than when you were in a relationship?

By Brit Dawson

So you’ve broken up with your partner. Enter the post-relationship mop-up: coming to their house to pick up that really nice top you nabbed off Vinted last month and a half-empty Elf bar. Owing to the deep-seated bitterness you feel for one another, you immediately begin to argue. The proper shouty kind that only happens between people who’ve seen each other naked. But all of a sudden, the venom slips away and they start looking… kind of hot? Safe in the knowledge they care about you enough to get so riled up, you decide to do something that in 20minutes – give or take – you’ll regret: you fuck.

If, like me, you’ve slept with every one of your exes, it doesn’t take much to conjure up this scene. In fact, the memory of it is so burned into your brain that it often springs up at inconveniently arbitrary moments – a family dinner, say, or halfway through a job interview. And, after your stomach has finished churning at the sheer memory of your ex, a new feeling kicks in: horniness. It was hot, wasn’t it? It was probably the best sex the two of you ever had. And it only happened when you finally admitted that you hated each other’s guts.

Although most people agree that break-up sex is a Bad Idea, plenty of us still do it. Some people are sensible and mature enough to simply never speak again, but others (like me) prefer to agonizingly drag the break-up out for months, sometimes even years. Why have a clean break when you can shag and then cry about it every few weeks?

Often, there’s a very obvious reason why. For some infuriating reason, sex with an ex can be really good. It might not be as good as when you first got together; maybe it’s not even as good as when you were, you know, in love. But it’s guaranteed to be better than the sex you were having in that grey, pre-break-up area – that’s if you were fucking at all.

“You’re telling me I shouldn’t, under any circumstances, fuck my ex? Well, now it’s suddenly become my life goal”

There’s more to it than just being good in comparison to dodgy end-of-relationship sex, though. Depending on how far into the break-up you are – and what the mood between the two of you is – sex with an ex can be unburdened by relationship pressures or minor annoyances, like remembering when they didn’t text you back that one time, or that they told your dad you were planning on overthrowing the company. And, as there’s nothing in the relationship left to lose, it can also be inhibition-free, aka carte blanche on the kinky stuff. So is there actual scientific evidence as to why it feels so good to fuck someone you hate? Kind of.

“In feeling passionate about someone, we can become physically aroused and reactive in a more intense way,” explains Kate Moyle, a psychosexual therapist and the author of The Science of Sex. ​“We can also experience what’s known as arousal transfer, when we can more easily move from one heightened state like anger to sexual arousal – they are both connected by feelings of passion.”

Despite my previous grand statements about deep-seated bitterness, you don’t need to have animosity towards your exes to have good break-up sex. You can feel sad and have really intimate, meaningful sex; you can feel contented relief and have levelheaded, purely pleasurable sex. You can even feel nothing and have unrestrained, worry-free, dirty sex. The world is your oyster.

“Sometimes the freedom of being out of a relationship with someone means that we’re more able to enjoy ourselves sexually with them”

Part of break-up sex’s particularly tempting appeal comes from the fact that most people get a thrill out of doing something they’re not supposed to do. Most people who’ve ever slept with their ex will implore you not to do it. ​“It’s messy,” they’ll say. ​“You’ll feel worse afterwards and it’ll take you twice the amount of time to get over them.” Blah, blah, blah.

What your friends don’t realize is that this kind of chat will only egg you on. You’re telling me I shouldn’t, under any circumstances, fuck my ex? Well, now it’s suddenly become my life goal. Funny that. Unfortunately, break-up sex also becomes much hotter when you have to keep it a secret from your finger-wagging mates, even when they’re probably right.

“Although we know they’re an ex for a reason, logically that doesn’t always line up with what we want sexually,” Moyle continues. ​“Sometimes the freedom of being out of a relationship with someone means that we’re more able to enjoy ourselves sexually with them, without the other parts of the relationship that weren’t working being such a dominant and interrupting factor.”

Plus, it can actually be a really healing thing, too. Many people struggle to maintain friendships with their exes, meaning lots of couples go full block-on-all-platforms after breaking up, which can foster bad blood. But hanging out sometimes, in a casual sex way, when you’re both on the same page, can help to cool any friction from the end of the relationship. Think of it as replacing bad memories with good ones, and letting go of hostilities. A final hurrah.

Saying that, you probably shouldn’t have sex with your ex if one of you is so heartbroken that it’ll fuck you up. ​“It’s worth really thinking about what having sex with your ex really offers you,” Moyle says. ​“The dynamic tends to continue, and at some point one or both of you may find a new partner, which means that someone is likely to get emotionally hurt. The lack of a clean break can leave us in a state of emotional limbo, which often does more harm than good.”

I’m not here to preach – we’re all adults here, and we can do what we want. If it feels like a fun, sexy, healing thing, go for it. But if you know it’s only going to make the getting-over-them bit that much harder, then don’t. Seriously, put your phone away. Or go and have the best sex of your life.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex

— Open communication can be challenging—but expressing desires and boundaries is good for everyone. Here’s how to get started.

By Jaina Grey

Talking to your partner about sex isn’t always easy—especially if you want to change things up. In an ideal world, you’d feel free to talk to your partner about anything. Unfortunately, we live in a society that fills our heads with all kinds of hang-ups and roadblocks that can make talking about sex less comfortable than, say, talking about your favorite music.

Think about it. We spend so much of our grade school, high school, and college years learning how to communicate effectively about everything but sex. For some, talking to your partner about abortion rights or gun control is easier than asking if they have a favorite sex toy. That’s because growing up, many of us weren’t given the space to learn how to talk about sex, let alone how to advocate for our own pleasure.

Talking to your partner about sex, and about trying new things in the bedroom, is all about compassionately disclosing your own preferences, desires, and boundaries, and encouraging them to do the same. That’s where we’ll start.

1. Approach With Compassion

Since we’re not often given space to learn and grow our ability to talk about sex, most of us end up getting stuck in ideas and attitudes we learned from movies, TV shows, games, music, and porn. Too often, these sources perpetuate the idea that women’s sexual needs are extra credit—something nice but not exactly the main course. Conversely, the media often reinforces the idea that men’s sexual desires begin and end in a race toward orgasm.

Talking openly about what you want out of sex means challenging these deeply rooted ideas, in yourself and in your partner (or partners), no matter what your gender is. Because we start to absorb these attitudes at such a young age, the part that holds on to them is a young part. That means it’s probably sensitive, feisty, and prone to being easily embarrassed. Have you ever fallen behind in a class? It can feel like that. So you hide it, pretend, and put on an act, but deep down you still have trouble advocating for your needs, curiosities, and boundaries.

No matter where you are on the comfort spectrum, have compassion for yourself and for your partner. Think about where they’re at, think about where you’re at, and approach them with kindness and understanding.

2. Know What You Want to Try

Next time you’re masturbating, pay attention to what really gets you going. What are you fantasizing about (or watching) that you really want to try with your partner? Write it down in a journal, in a note file on your phone, somewhere you won’t forget about it.

Make sure you’re specific. For instance, don’t just write down “rough stuff.” Write down spanking, hair pulling, bondage, etc. The more generic you are, the more room for confusion there is, and the more likely you are to be disappointed. We don’t want that. We want sex to be fun; we want talking about sex to be fun.

3. Talk During and After Sex

One of the best ways to break the ice and get comfier talking to your partner about sex is simple: Talk about sex. Being vocal during, after, and even before sex is one of the best ways to open the door to a world where you talk about sex as easily as you talk about what to have for dinner.

Tell him, her, or them how much you like doing what you’re doing, or how much you like what they’re doing. When you’re lying in the afterglow, mention something you liked. “It was so hot when you,” or “I loved when we.” It’s a good thing to practice because it opens the door to talking about things you liked outside the context of actually having sex.

4. Be Horny

Now that you have a good idea of what you want to try and you’re comfortable talking about sexduring sex, it’s time to practice talking about sex outside of the bedroom. Start with little things like sexually charged compliments. “Your arms look so hot when you” or “Your butt looksso good in those” or “From this angle, I can see your,” and just leave it there. Not every horny comment is a prelude to sex; they definitely can be, but it’s pretty fun to just flirt with your partner and let that sexual tension sizzle on the back burner.

5. Pop the Question

Once you’re comfortable giving and receiving horny compliments and you are both feeling some of that ambient sexual tension, instead of giving a compliment, sidle up close and ask them a question. Something like “Would you ever want to do X, Y, or Z to me?” or “What do you think about being spanked?” This way there’s room for a conversation, and room for your partner to say yes, no, or maybe.

The nice thing about talking about it outside of the bedroom is that even if your partner is interested, you’re not in a situation where either of you feels pressured to try the new thing right now, and it can just sit in the back of the mind for a little bit. It’s something you’re both aware of, thinking about, and will probably try pretty soon. Then the next time you start getting frisky, if you’re ready, ask if they are, and go from there.

6. Leave Room for No

If your partner has a boundary around the thing you want to try, talking about it outside of sexual activity means you’re in a sexually open but not sexually vulnerable space to have that conversation. This is important. It’s hard to say no.

Saying no to someone you care about and want to make happy can be even harder—especially for women. Those same influences that give us so much of our early sex education reinforce the idea that women’s pleasure is secondary, and it’s really easy to internalize that without realizing it. That’s not to say that setting boundaries is easy for men either, it’s definitely not, for the same reasons. Leave yourself and your partner room to say no. Even if you don’t get to try the thing you want to explore, you still get to enjoy an all-new level of trust and communication with someone you care about.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Here’s How Sex Toys Can Improve Your Sexual Wellness Beyond Providing Pleasure

By Aliyah Moore

Sex toys haven’t always been connected to a multi-billion dollar market; for a long time, consumers widely purchased back massagers with an off-label use as a vibrator or simply didn’t interact with the products at all. But thanks to changing perceptions and awareness about pleasure’s role in sexual health, which is integral to wellness, sex-toy usage is on the rise and stigma is steadily making its way out. According to market research, as of 2022, nearly 1.5 million Americans disclosed that they use them every week, up from 86 million in 2017. And considering the benefits of sex toys, we’re better off for it.

One silver lining of the pandemic is that it laid the foundation for an increased use in sex toys. While folks stayed at home, they got sexually curious and creative, whether during masturbation sessions or in the scope of partnered relationships. Industry dollars support this notion, with reports noting the sale of sex-related products having doubled or even tripled in certain countries during periods of lockdown and isolation.

As a sex therapist, I love seeing this shift. The documented rise in usage of sex toys is encouraging us to be more open with sexual discourse and general, which has a positive impact on our sexual health and wellness. Why? Well, it may start with pleasure—but that’s far from where it ends.

Pleasure is just one the benefits of using sex toys

Whether you’re a vulva-owner, penis-owner, or intersex, pleasure is the cornerstone of a healthy sex life. It’s easy to see how toys help us out here: We use them to experience the euphoric sensations we can’t quite achieve (or achieve as quickly) on our own.

If you’re thinking, Of course sex toys make you feel good, fair point. But what’s less obvious is how vital pleasure is to our overall health and well-being. It’s a common tendency to sideline the value of sex, view it as a bonus or a treat, or something to put at the bottom of our priority list when life gets busy. However, consider that research has connected sexual satisfaction to lowered levels of anxiety and depression. In that vein, it stands to reason that pleasure alone is just the tip of the iceberg of benefits of sex—and sex toys are adept at facilitating sex that is rich with pleasure.

No, sex isn’t required to dispel mental-health ailments nor should it function as an isolated strategy for restoring optimum mental health. Rather, sexual satisfaction is one important factor that stands to support overall mental health, and—crucially—can be achieved without a partner. Sexual stimulation through masturbation may help bring on similar benefits of boosting your mood, self-esteem, sleep quality, and helping to relieve stress. And because sex toys stand to make all forms of sex more enjoyable, they have a major role to play here.

Good sex is good for your body, and sex toys can help

Although pleasure is a tenet of sexual health, and sex toys are marketed primarily on their ability to derive pleasure, it’s by no means the only value they provide. Sex toys—while capable of helping users better understand their desires and better communicate with partners—can actually provide physical benefits.

Sex toys—while capable of helping users better understand their desires and better communicate with partners—can actually provide physical benefits.

To illustrate this point, consider, the vibrator. Research suggests vibration may help treat erectile dysfunction (ED) and anorgasmia, an issue common in women who experience delayed, infrequent, or absent orgasms—or significantly less-intense orgasms—after sexual arousal. Vibration has been linked to improvements in sexual function and desire, whether you have a penis or a vulva. Pelvic-floor dysfunction—the inability to correctly relax and coordinate your pelvic floor muscles, which often causes sexual problems, not to mention issues with constipation or urinary leakage—may also be helped through vibration.

Another sex-toy category—vacuum-like devices that use a hand- or battery-powered pump to create suction around your penis, clitoris, vulva, or nipples—has shown to treat and sometimes resolve such issues as ED and genital arousal disorder.

Masturbating with other toys (or just in general), may help relieve period cramps and reduce the risk of prostate cancer. Some experts advise masturbation to help with chronic concerns like joint pain or headaches—another point in favor of the ancillary benefits that come from the intense pleasure sex toys can make you feel.

As we continue talking more openly about sex, sex toys become a larger part of the conversation. Nurturing our sexuality illuminates that pleasure is attainable—and provides for health benefits, to boot. Sex toys prioritize pleasure, of course, but pleasure itself is about taking care of your sexuality—which includes your mind and your body. When toys help you experience pleasure, they help you cultivate a happier and healthier version of yourself.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

This is what it’s really like to have sex in your seventies

— As research shows that more people are sexing their way through their seventies than ever before, WH unpicks why the thought of the older generation getting their kicks makes people so uncomfortable

By Paisley Gilmour

As Richard* reaches for the massage oil, Belle assumes her position facedown on the bed. Spreading the warm liquid across her shoulders, his hands slowly creep down her body – taking extra care over her aching lower back.

Unable to resist any longer, she gently turns onto her front, spreads her legs and allows him to pleasure her until an orgasm ripples through her body.

‘When Richard has taken Viagra, I know he’ll be able to go for hours. So, once I come back down to earth, I reach for the lube and climb on top. My hips may not move as smoothly as they used to, but that doesn’t stop us climaxing.’

This is the sixth time 70-year-old Belle* and Richard, 85, who she met on a dating site 18 months ago, have had sex this week. And they’re far from alone: research has been telling us – for years, actually – that seniors are sexing their way through their seventies – and beyond.

A leading 2015 study funded by Age UK and carried out by researchers at The University of Manchester found that 54% of men and 31% of women over the age of 70 were still “sexually active”. A third were having sex at least twice a month. One 2018 survey by the University of Michigan also found that 40% of people between 65 and 80 reported being sexually active, with more than half of those who have a partner saying they still get down to it, while a further Swedish study in 2021 revealed that 10% of those over 90 were even having sex.

A Swedish study revealed that 10% of those over 90 were still having sex.

Clearly, the data shows that older people aren’t just having sex, but also (whisper it) enjoying it – but then, why shouldn’t they? Beyond the fact we’re living longer and lots of older adults have better access to sex-life saving healthcare and medication, many seniors looking for love or sex after divorce or the death of a spouse, have (contrary to the technophobe stereotype) also embraced the internet.

One 2021 US survey found more than a third of respondents over 55 had dated within the last five years, with 13% using dating apps or websites, and 7% turning to social media to meet someone. Psychosexual therapist Lohani Noor says the sex positivity and sexual wellness movement over the past decade has played an empowering part, and has noticed an increase in older people coming to therapy to explore their sexuality.

‘Many are finding the courage, after a lifetime of being repressed, to bring to life their buried authentic sexual selves,’ she says. ‘The joy of sexual liberation that our society affords is available to all and older people are grasping it with both hands before time literally runs out.’

Many younger people hold strong, often negative, reactions to the thought of senior sex

Yet even with this positive shift amongst older generations, many younger ones have long held strong, often negative, reactions to the thought of older people having sex. ‘Can we please draw the line at friction fires caused by unkempt, geriatric pubes rubbing together vigorously on polyester couches?’ said one viral Vice article titled “Old People Having Sex Is Gross” back in 2012.

Ten years later, the idea still leads to recoiling as shown in May this year when ABC announced a seniors-focused spinoff of the hit series The Bachelor, called The Golden Bachelor, where ‘one hopeless romantic is given a second chance at love in the search for a partner with whom to share the sunset years of life’. Fans of the OG show were quick to share their mocking reactions on Instagram, with comments ranging from ‘No. No. No.’ to, ‘Does this mean old folks? You guys…be for real’.

So why is it that eight years after Age UK’s landmark study, which lead researcher Dr. David Lee hoped would ‘counter stereotypes and misconceptions about late-life sexuality’ are people still weirded out by the thought of older people having good sex?

Exploring the senior sex taboo

Noor argues there’s an outright refusal that older folks are sexual beings, despite the research proving otherwise. ‘We’re discussing it more, but many feel uncomfortable about senior sex because we de-sexualise adults as they age,’ she says. ‘Referring to them in a sexual way becomes strangely repulsive.’

Joan Price, author of the Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex agrees it’s down to The Ick Factor. ‘Like, ‘Eww, old people having sex? That’s disgusting. No, don’t tell me la la la,’’ she says. After losing her husband at 57, Price is now 79 and enjoying her sex life. She believes the taboo is rooted in society’s wider fear of getting older and our mortality.

‘People have been taught growing up, and through the media, that they will only be sexually desirable if they use certain products, dress a certain way, and act a certain way [at a certain age]. That’s harmful.’

67% of over 65s feel sex and intimacy for their age group is rarely or never represented in media

Indeed, a study by Relate found that 67% of over 65s feel sex and intimacy for their age group is rarely or never represented in media. ‘When I went looking for books [about senior sex] it was doom and gloom,’ says Price, adding it felt like the world was saying ‘‘just give it up and crochet or play with grandchildren”. But sexual pleasure has no expiration date!’

Alyson*, 68, who’s been married for 36 years and has sex with her husband, Omar*, 67, twice a week, empathises with younger peoples’ anxieties about getting older. ‘There are many preconceptions: the doddery grandma is patronised and laughed at; her opinions are old fashioned – I think it’s all linked to a loss of respect for older people, like they’re not important, not visible or a nuisance,’ she says. ‘But I absolutely understand [the reaction] as young people don’t want to think about themselves as getting there too.’

“Young people imagine deteriorated bodies and think the whole thing would ‘look’ horrible”

Entrenched beauty standards have also bolstered the perception. ‘Young people imagine deteriorated bodies and think the whole thing would ‘look’ horrible,’ adds Belle. ‘Like two fat lumps of wrinkled flesh in the bed together. I think people think [sex] is meant to be a thing for young women and men. I don’t think my sons want to encounter being told anything about my sex life – and I don’t discuss it with them – but young people should know it can still be a huge amount of fun.’ And, importantly, with health benefits, too.

The joy of senior sex

Two years after his research was published, Lee teamed up with Professor Josie Tetley from Manchester Metropolitan University and after analysing findings from the English Longitudinal Study of Ageing, they discovered a clear link between positive sexual health and intimacy later in life, and better subjective well-being. A separate study published in the Journal Sexual Medicine in 2019 echoed these findings: participants with an average age of 65, who had reported any kind of sexual activity within the last 12 months, were found to have better wellbeing and a higher enjoyment of life.

‘When we experience pleasure and orgasm, the body releases endorphins that can strengthen our immune system, bring pain relief to chronic conditions, and improve our cognitive functioning,’ explains Noor. ‘These are particularly important in our senior years.’

“The health benefits generated from orgasm release are particularly important in our older years”

Miranda Christophers, a psychosexual therapist for online menopause platform Issviva, agrees that, for older people, ‘the benefits of sex may feel more important’ as our bodies age and we experience changes such as increased blood pressure. ‘Studies suggest blood pressure is lowered by physical contact, and being physically close with a romantic partner reduces C-reactive protein (CRP) which relates to inflammation,’ she says.

That said, the rise of senior sex has also brought a rise in STIs such as chlamydia, gonorrhoea and syphilis, with rates among the over 60s and 70s almost doubling in the last decade. Bianca Dunne, a nurse and co-founder of sexual health app iPlaySafe says the amount of people filing for divorce in their 50s and the rise of dating apps targeting the over 50s are contributing factors. ‘The exclusion of the over 50s [in government sexual health campaigns] has also resulted in a lack of education among this age group,’ she says.

Belle, who has always taken an STI test before and after a new partner, has dated a number of older men and seen this lack of senior sex education first-hand. ‘Our generation are meeting people on dating websites regularly and having unprotected sex,’ she says. ‘There’s no fear of pregnancy. Ask a 70-year-old man to put on a condom, I think they’d laugh at you. Our generation doesn’t think about protecting their sexual health.’

Creaks between the sheets

While senior sex can come with healthy benefits – minus the STIs – there’s no denying it’s different. But this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. A survey by sexual wellness brand LELO UK found nearly a third of people over 50 were having the best sex of their lives, 42% were more adventurous, and 16% even said their sex drive has increased.

‘It’s enjoyable in a different way – it doesn’t have the Olympic feats that it used to have; it’s a more quiet and gentle sex,’ says Belle, adding that being put on ‘some wonderful HRT’ during menopause was a game-changer ‘in terms of lubrication and being seriously up for it.’

Research found that nearly a third of people over 50 were having the best sex of their lives

Today, certain positions – missionary and woman-on-top – work better with her unstable knees, back and shoulder pain, which some days can leave her struggling to get out of bed, but the couple vowed to face any age-related problems head on.

Anything that’s failed, we laughed about and tried again. Richard has had trouble with erections since having prostate surgery but we discussed it and he went to see his GP who prescribed Viagra. It worked like magic and boosted his confidence.’

Alyson and Omar have also overcome sexual struggles including, after years of not having sex, Alyson’s one-off fling with a younger man. ‘It came at a time when I felt completely undesirable and it was brief but enough to rekindle feelings about my own desire,’ she says, adding that while she didn’t tell Omar, it led to them rebooting their sexual relationship.

Alyson’s one-off fling with a younger man rebooted her sexual relationship with her husband

Recently, however, Omar has struggled to maintain an erection and refuses to go to his GP. ‘It’s becoming more difficult [to have sex]. I miss the penetration.’ He’s also revealed some new desires, which Alyson isn’t as keen on. ‘He’s asked me to try pegging him. He has a strap-on, which I think he hoped I would use on him, but I won’t – that’s one of my boundaries.’

Since his erectile dysfunction, Omar has also begun collecting gadgets that might help, including butt plugs and cock rings, but they’re ‘an interruption,’ says Alyson, ‘and that can be problematic as I can fall asleep in the 10 minutes it takes to get them out.’

Despite these issues, Alyson loves having an active sex life again. ‘I enjoy orgasms and masturbating together,’ she says, recalling her favourite recent steamy moment. ‘We were on the beach, in a very isolated place, and had a lot of sex on the rocks with Omar managing to maintain his erection. That was good. I quite like outdoor sex!’

Reframing senior sex

And that’s the thing: as humans, we’re designed for sexual pleasure and, as Noor says, denying our sexual nature can hurt us in profound ways. But she also believes a larger cultural reframing towards senior sex will happen, albeit slowly, with people living and loving longer than ever. ‘As society evolves and we learn that we are sexual sensual beings who thrive off physical closeness, we will allow ourselves more permissions to seek closeness, whatever that looks like,’ she says.

Price is already on a mission to encourage this. ‘Sexual pleasure is lifelong. Is it the same as younger age sex? No. It is very different and continues to change and challenge us. But just because we’re challenged doesn’t mean we’re defeated. As long as we educate ourselves and are open minded, sexuality is ageless.’

“As long as we educate ourselves and are open minded, sexuality is ageless”

Lesley Carter, a registered nurse and clinical lead at Age UK agrees that a mindset shift is needed for attitudes to catch up with our increasing life span. ‘It’s about understanding that ageing brings life transitions that can create opportunities for older adults to redefine what sexuality and intimacy mean to them,’ she says.

As Belle, Alyson and research proves, a great sex life in your senior years doesn’t merely exist — it can thrive. ‘Younger people need to know there can be a continuation of a fulfilling sex life,’ says Belle. ‘It’s about your state of mind. It’s like a plant, if you don’t water it, it’ll die. If you keep the spark between you, you can overcome the difficulties that come with age.’ Yes, these horny seniors have a whole lot of experience and a whole lot of untapped wisdom. Let’s stop ignoring them, and start learning from them.

*Names have been changed

Pleasure in your senior years

Advice for now – or the future – according to our experts

1. Do your communication work

‘Share your concerns, challenges and feelings,’ says Carter. ‘This might be explaining: ‘My knees hurt when we use that position, and I lose concentration’ or ‘I’m anxious about having sex because I’m self-conscious about what you think about my ageing body’. Discussing these difficulties could lead to solutions, like agreeing to try new things, or doing things differently.

2. Don’t ignore the pain

‘If you’re experiencing a new pain connected to having sex, it’s sensible [at any age] to discuss that with a healthcare professional,’ Carter says. ‘As we age, our bones, muscles and tendons get stiff and sore, so you can expect some discomfort – that’s normal. But any unfamiliar pain that worries you needs to be monitored and discussed with an expert.’

3. Do reach for the (silicone-based) lube

Vaginal dryness is common with the menopause due to a drop in oestrogen but if untreated, it can lead to irritation and painful sex in your senior years, too. ‘Using a silicone-based lube, like Durex’s silicone based lube or Boots’ own-brand silicone lube,’ advises Dunne. ‘Silicone lubes have a smooth, silky texture, so there’s no need to constantly re-apply, plus they are hypoallergenic which makes them compatible with condoms and sex toys.’

4. Don’t throw away the condoms

‘Even if you’ve experienced menopause, this doesn’t make you immune from STIs,’ says Dunne. So, yes, use a condom. ‘Make sure it doesn’t contain an ingredient that is a known irritant to you or your partner such as latex or fragrance, as this will exacerbate vaginal pain,’ adds Dunne, who recommends Durex’s Naturals Condoms and Smile Makers’ Come Connected Condomswhich are vegan.

5. Do lean on the support

‘It’s helpful if we can identify our own sexual difficulties, and do some research — there is so much information available,’ says Carter. ‘But sexual health centres can offer advice too, like discussing if a medication to treat a sexual problem may impact any other medications you’re taking.’ Age UK, National Council on Ageing, The Pelvic Hub’s Guide to Senior Sex are helpful resources, or check out Joan Price’s blog.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

How a bad night’s sleep affects your sex life

— Another reason to go to bed

By Penelope Clifton

Turns out a poor night’s sleep can not only be detrimental to your mood and energy levels but also to your libido.

We might need to rethink the term ‘beauty sleep’ because missing out on the recommended eight hours is hard on more than just your looks.

According to the 2023 ResMed Global Sleep Survey, one in five Australians says their sex life is lacking, the highest of any participating country.

Sex has so many benefits; it can lower your blood pressure, boost your immune system, and even act as pain relief. It’s also great for self-esteem and can help promote a better night’s sleep. The problem is, not many of us are that keen when we’re sleep deprived.

The survey found millennials are most affected, with one in four from that age bracket vocalising a link between their sleep quality and decreased sex drive.

Just 8.7 per cent of Australians said they woke up feeling happy or energetic in the AM, so that’s not many of us adults getting hot and heavy under the covers.

“Embracing our sexuality and focusing on intimacy, especially in these cold months, is a beacon of warmth and connection,” sexologist Chantelle Otten says.

“It’s an overlooked fact that our sleep quality and libido are intricately linked. A poor night’s sleep doesn’t just leave you feeling drained and foggy; it can also dampen your desire.”

Embracing our sexuality and intimacy can lead to sex, which in turn can result in a good night’s sleep. The following day you’re more likely to be well-rested, leading to an increase in libido – and the cycle can continue.

This is undoubtedly a tough ask for new parents, those dealing with mental health issues or those of us who are simply overworked, however, it doesn’t have to involve the full month. A cuddle can also do the trick.

According to Christine Rafe, a sex and relationship therapist and director at the Good Vibes Clinic, it’s important for people to be aware of the correlation between sex and sleep.

“Partner intimacy whether sexual or non-sexual is a form of co-regulation, and even hugging and soft slow touch with a partner can activate a relaxed or regulated state which is essential for falling and staying asleep.”

She suggests creating space for physical connection with your partner in the lead-up to bedtime and then trying to carry it through to the bedroom to really reap the benefits of co-regulation.

“The hormones released during sexual pleasure and orgasm combat stress and help to regulate our nervous system, meaning orgasms can support falling asleep as well as the quality of our sleep,” she says, supporting Otten’s advice.

An added bonus is it will bring you and your partner closer as a couple.

“Decreased libido or discrepancies in libido can be distressing for both people within the partnership and can have relational, emotional and psychological impacts,” Rafe says.

One thing Australians do well is supporting their partner, says ResMed sleep physiologist Tim Stephensen. He claims we’re pretty encouraging of our partners to seek help regarding poor sleep and vice versa.

“One of the primary reasons Australians seek support for their sleep is due to their partner’s encouragement once their sleep becomes impacted, such as through loud snoring,” he explains.

“The relationships people take into the bedroom are highly influential on sleep health. A good night’s sleep is vital for a person’s sexual, physical and mental health.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

‘The sex ed class you wish you’d had’

— The influencer doctors teaching Americans the basics

With schools failing American students, OB-GYNs use TikTok to tackle questions and dispel myths

By

Some of TikTok’s biggest stars aren’t teen influencers or adorable pets – they are OB-GYNs posting sex education videos.

Need to know if you can continue to take antidepressants while pregnant? Dr Keith L Riggs, a Houston-based OB-GYN, has got you covered. Want to see how an IUD is inserted into the uterus? Check out a demo on the Dallas physician assistant Shay Blue’s page. Have questions on what sex position is most likely to get you pregnant? Dr Ali Rodriguez – aka the Latina Doc – made a video for that. (Spoiler: it’s whatever position you like the most – no method has emerged as a scientifically proven best choice.)

All kinds of doctors have joined TikTok. There are plastic surgeons and dermatologists who gleefully post videos hypothesizing what work an actor has had done. Dentists film videos – equal parts terrifying and mesmerizing – showing what plaque looks like as it’s scraped from teeth. If you really want to see footage from a colonoscopy, hit up the urology corner of #healthtok.

But those who practice #OBGYN – a hashtag that has over 5bn views on the app – enjoy a particular kind of virality. And some of the most popular have parlayed their online fame into other ventures.

Dr Jennifer Lincoln, who has 2.8 million followers and claims to offer “the health class you wish you had in high school”, published a book on reproductive health in 2021 and hosts a podcast where she answers listeners’ questions about all things sex. (Recent episodes include A Summer Period Survival Guide and Myth-Busting the Morning-After Pill.)

Dr Jennifer Lincoln has 2.8 million followers and hosts a podcast.

“There’s just a lot of people out there who do not know how to access things,” Lincoln, who lives in Portland, said. “Commenters have asked about anything from birth control to a pregnancy test. These are basic things we would have hoped to have been covered in sex ed, but that’s not the case in the majority of states.”

Americans have been receiving inadequate sex education for decades – but in the last year, things have become even worse. The supreme court’s reversal of Roe v Wade has led to a flood of abortion misinformation online, and Florida’s “don’t say gay” law means that teachers can no longer lead classroom discussions on gender identity or sexuality. As LGBTQ+ students continue to be marginalized across the country, they lack information that can help them understand their bodies and cultivate a sense of autonomy.

A few years ago, people with concerns about their reproductive health might hit up anonymous Reddit boards for help – now, they can take their pick of TikTok experts to follow.

Dr Danielle Jones, who goes by @mamadoctorjones on TikTok, said she had joined the platform because that’s where the kids are. “It’s a good venue to do some sex education and dispel myths about things that impact people who are younger,” she said. “We know that if we can get into their heads early and dispel misinformation before they encounter it, it can keep them from falling down the rabbit hole.”

And there are a lot of myths to dispel. Though Planned Parenthood reports that the vast majority of parents support having sex education taught in middle and high school, the US is pretty terrible at teaching it. Only 30 states and the district of Columbia require sex education classes in schools, and those that do may stress harmful abstinence-only narratives or spread medically inaccurate information.

Since the fall of Roe, Lincoln’s teen viewers have reached out to her after applying to college in states where abortion rights have been gutted, such as Texas, Florida, or Oklahoma. “They’re really scared, and they’re not sure if they’ll be able to access contraception,” she said. “Parents will also message me saying, ‘My daughter is going to college, she has her heart set on the University of Texas, but I’m scared for her. What should I do?’”

Lincoln’s answer: “Let’s talk about birth control and get Plan B and abortion pills ahead of time, just in case. You may not think this is a conversation you have to have with your daughter, but in 2023, you do.

Only 30 states and DC require sex education in schools.

Jones, who practiced obstetrics in Texas before her family moved to New Zealand in 2021, said many of her followers reach out to her with questions they do not want to ask their primary care physicians.

“In states like Texas, people are concerned about who they can safely ask about contraception,” she said. “If you don’t know how your healthcare provider feels about abortion, you don’t know if you can trust them.”

Tiffany Connolly, a 26-year-old from Grand Rapids, Michigan, has learned helpful information from OB-GYNs on TikTok. “It’s a useful source when it can be difficult to pinpoint certain things within my body,” she said. “I can’t always just call up a doctor or make an appointment right away.”

Connolly, who does not want children, plans to get a tubal ligation after her IUD expires next year. Young people who seek sterilizations often have to visit multiple doctors before finding one who will agree to provide it, but Connolly found a spreadsheet posted by Dr Franziska Haydanek, a Rochester, New York, gynecologist with more than 300,000 followers, that lists the names of doctors across the country who are known to safely and responsibly perform the procedure on unmarried and childless patients.

Haydanek posted the spreadsheet last summer, right as the reversal of Roe v Wade pushed more women to consider the procedure as a means of permanent birth control. Since then, the video has been viewed over 50,000 times.

Krysten Stein, a PhD candidate in media studies, has written about TikTok gynecologists for a communications journal. “I wanted to know why these videos were getting so much traction,” she said. “When people seek these kinds of resources online, it’s often because they don’t have access to health insurance or doctors.

Dr Danielle Jones wants to keep young people from ‘falling down the rabbit hole’.

Stein has polycystic ovary syndrome, which can cause irregular periods and pelvic pain, but often goes undiagnosed by doctors who downplay its symptoms as normal period side effects.

Years ago, Stein found refuge in online forums like Reddit, where she finally engaged with people who took her pain seriously. She suspects that people on TikTok form a similar kind of community on the app. “It’s a platform where you can see other people who might be experiencing the same thing as you are,” she said.

Samantha Broxton lives in southern California and frequents OB-GYN TikTok, where, the 35-year-old mom said, she had learned things she wished her own doctors had told her years ago. It’s been a resource for her, but she also wonders what type of care TikTok OB-GYNs provide their patients offline.

“If they’re talking about inequalities in medicine on TikTok, I want to know if they’re vocal about it too in the workplace,” she said. “Are they working to improve the system, or is it just easy to talk about doing that online?”

The American College of Gynecology and Obstetrics does not give doctors specific rules on how to use TikTok, but some hospitals and institutions have social media policies. For the most part, Stein said, doctors are on their own when it comes to deciding what information is appropriate to include in a TikTok.

They don’t always get it right. Last year, four obstetrics nurses were fired from an Atlanta hospital for making a video mocking expectant mothers. Emory hospital, which employed the nurses, later released a statement saying the video was “disrespectful and unprofessional”.

Should OB-GYN influencers take money from brands? When Stein interviewed some for her paper, there was no general consensus. Certain TikTok OB-GYNs said they would only accept deals with brands that felt aligned with their values – they were not just taking cash from anyone. Others were less judicious.

“Some of them said, ‘I want to be a content creator full time,’” Stein said. “There were a lot of moral questions that came up around that. There are no rules, and right now it’s based upon the specific person’s moral compass.”

And how do you know someone is actually a doctor, and not just playing one on TikTok? Lincoln noted that some creators are misleading in their credentials, calling themselves “hormone experts” in their bio. “That’s a term some people use after reading a book or taking a weekend ‘course’ – so, meaningless,” she said.

There are also chiropractors, anesthesiologists, and generalists who are not reproductive health experts dispensing advice on the subject. “It’s really confusing to people, because they see MD in the handle and think they’re experts, though they’re not experts in the field,” Lincoln said. “This harms the OB-GYN TikTok space because these grifting experts often throw our field under the bus.”

Actual gynecologists worth a 30-second watch, Lincoln says, are ones who cite their sources or at least let their viewers know when something is their opinion rather than a studied fact. “As a rule, when I’m explaining something medical, I always give references,” she said. “We need to be transparent about what we know and what we don’t.”

Jones believes the most urgent part of her job right now is spreading accurate information about abortion rights. She grew up in rural Texas and described herself as pro-life until going to medical school changed her mind. Now, she hopes to help others come to the same conclusion.

“I’ve had people reach out and say that I’ve helped them see abortion rights from a different perspective,” Jones said. “It’s one of the most meaningful things I can hear: ‘Two weeks ago I would have called you a murderer, but now I support the right to choose.’”

Still, she knows the limitations of TikTok activism. “What I do online is valuable, and it’s a great supplement, but it’s not going to fully replace sex education,” she said. “Young people need that, and we know the outcomes are not going to be good when they don’t receive it in schools.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

‘This Book is Gay’

— Provides comprehensive, and inclusive, sexual education

“This Book is Gay,” by Juno Dawson.

By Ali Velshi and Hannah Holland

“This Book is Gay,” by Juno Dawson, starts with a welcome: “There’s a long-running joke that, on ‘coming out,’ a young lesbian, gay guy, bisexual, or trans person should receive a membership card and instruction manual. This is your instruction manual.” And “This Book is Gay” reads as exactly that: a guide.

Each fact-based chapter is interspersed with a candid, first-person narrative collected from real people.

Equal parts humorous and informative, this nonfiction young adult book is divided into sections: identity, stereotypes, queer history, coming out and relationships — including sexual relationships. Each fact-based chapter is interspersed with candid, first-person narratives collected from real people.

Dawson is a guide with credentials, having spent nearly a decade as a sexual education and wellness teacher in the U.K. before turning to writing full-time. She came out as transgender publicly in 2015 and is a staunch advocate for the LGBTQ+ community.

“The Ins and Outs of Gay Sex,” a chapter positioned toward the end of the book, opens with text outlined to make you take notice, “This Chapter is about sex. […] If you are a younger reader and feel you aren’t ready for the finer details of same-sex pairings, then simply skip this whole chapter.” The chapter goes on to include potentially lifesaving information on sexually transmitted infections, including HIV and AIDS, diagrams of sexual organs, like you might see in health class, and a commentary on love and relationships.

It is this section that is referenced most frequently in the relentless calls to ban this book across the United States.

Much has been written about the sheer number of books banned these past two school years (a record 1,477 instances of individual books banned in the first half of this school year according to PEN America) and the fact that a disproportionately high number of those titles tell LGBTQ+ stories. “This Book is Gay” is frequently near the top of the American Library Association’s list of most banned books.

Most of the books we feature on the “Velshi Banned Book Club” are literature, including contemporary works of poetry and graphic novels. The conversation surrounding the accessibility of those works is ultimately a conversation about the value of literature for students and for society. Conversely, the conversation surrounding “This Book is Gay” is about the necessity for comprehensive and, most importantly, inclusive sexual education. As Dawson so saliently reminds readers, the exclusion of same-sex couples in the typical sex-ed class is nothing short of “institutional homophobia.”

Sexual education of any kind is rapidly disappearing and changing across the nation. Florida’s Broward County, which includes Fort Lauderdale, ended this school year with no sexual education at all. Georgia’s Gwinnett County, just outside of Atlanta, has voted to stick with abstinence-only education. School districts across Kentucky have had to overhaul their curriculum to comply with new bans on sex education, gender identity and student pronouns. This is happening all over the nation, state by state.

Of course, many of the arguments made against “This Book is Gay” center around antiquated views of gender expression and sexuality, but they’re also made in bad faith, including labeling this book as “inappropriate.” For a certain age group, this book is inappropriate. This book is not for young children — which is why it is not written for or marketed to them. Educators and proponents of inclusive sexual education, who may have used this book as an educational resource or noted its spot on a library shelf, are not intending for it to be used to teach young children.

Florida’s Broward County, which includes Fort Lauderdale, ended this school year with no sexual education at all.

“This Book is Gay” is for those young adults already grappling with their sexuality and identity. It is for those who are already looking for a safe space, understanding, or a guide through the dense jungle of teenage years. A group, I might add, that has had access to the full depths of the internet for their entire lives. It is the best-case, and least-likely, scenario that any one of them learned about sex, relationships and sexual identity through school-mandated sexual education or with the help of books that could be read and discussed with their parents.

The reality is this: At some point between high school, college and young adulthood, most everyone will be confronted with a situation related to sex and sexuality. “I didn’t know anything about myself. […] I was so unprepared and, now as an adult I see that I was left very vulnerable. I didn’t fully understand consent, I didn’t fully understand boundaries, I didn’t understand that I could say no to things,” explains Dawson in an interview on the Velshi Banned Book Club.

Relationships can be the most beautiful and rewarding part of life, and they can also be the most damaging, physically and emotionally. By prohibiting access to valuable resources like “This Book is Gay,” we are leaving already vulnerable LGBTQ+ young adults with nowhere to turn.

Sending our young people, regardless of sexual orientation, into the world without a comprehensive understanding of how to prevent sexually transmitted infections or pregnancy is a huge problem. Sending our young people into the world without a conversation about what respect looks like within a relationship is a major issue. Sending our young people into the world without a conversation about who exactly they are is nothing short of a crisis.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

7 Signs It’s Time for Couples Therapy

— According to a Queer Relationship Therapist

By

You don’t need a relationship therapist for everything, but when you and your partner are struggling to communicate, a couples therapist can give you some much-needed tools. Of course, it can be hard to know if and when seeking couples therapy is the right move — especially for queer couples. Since LGBTQ+ people have historically been underrepresented in science, literature, and media, it can be difficult for queer couples to know if they’re experiencing normal relationship stress or something bigger.

Throughout my years working as a sex and relationship therapist, I’ve pinpointed signs that you and your partner might need help from a professional. Here are seven signs that it might be time for couples therapy.

1. You’re stuck in an “infinity fight.”

Fighting with your partner isn’t always a bad thing. We all communicate differently, and for many of us, a heated (but respectful) argument is the easiest path toward conflict resolution. That said, it isn’t healthy to fight every day — especially when that fight is always about the same thing. If you and your partner fight about the same issue every time it pops up and nothing seems to change afterwards, you’re in what I call an “infinity fight.”

You could be fighting about anything — friends, family, sex, chores — but if it’s not getting better, then it’s probably just getting worse. It’s okay if you two can’t work it out on your own. That’s what therapy is for!

2. You think there’s room for improvement, but you don’t know where to start.

Couples therapy isn’t only for partners who are at their wits’ end. If you see a problem forming and want to get ahead of it, couples therapy might be right for your relationship.

In many cases, counseling is even more effective if you do it before the tears are flowing and tempers are running hot. There are a million different ways that two people can spark conflict with each other — and there’s no rule book that can tell you how to fix them all — so there’s no shame in seeking professional advice.

3. Being with your partner feels like a chore.

This is one of the saddest things I see as a therapist. Two people are madly in love, but unresolved gripes, conflicts, or complaints suck the life out of them over time.

If it feels like being with your partner is a chore — i.e., you’d rather capitulate than argue with them, their requests always feel like a burden, you try to avoid emotional or physical connection, etc. — then something is clearly wrong.

Likewise, if you feel like your partner is treating you that way no matter what you do, then it’s time to call in some assistance. Couples therapy can help you uncover the origin of those feelings and guide you back to a healthy and happy relationship.

4. Your sex life is struggling.

I often struggle to get clients to open up about sex. Whether they’re unsatisfied, afraid to express their desires, or experiencing shifts in libido, the last thing they want to do is talk to their partner about it.

They might be scared of hurting each other’s feelings or just flat-out uncomfortable talking about sex, so they wait to address it until they can hardly tolerate sex. In other cases, they may have perfect sexual communication but still feel unable to improve. A therapist can help you find out why you’re sexually unsatisfied and get back to sexual bliss with your partner.

5. You have trust issues.

I can tell you right now that a lack of trust will lead to bigger and badder problems in no time. It could be that you’ve been hurt before and feel suspicious, or it could be that your partner’s words or actions are inconsiderate.

We all want to know the truth and we all want to be able to trust our loved ones, but it’s rarely that simple. A therapist can help both of you communicate more honestly with each other. They can also help you find out if that mistrust is coming from you, your partner, or both.

6. You and/or your partner are working through trauma.

I know it feels obvious to seek professional help after experiencing trauma, but few people think to involve their partners in that work. If you’ve been through trauma together, such as a car accident or loss of a child, then you need to heal together.

If one of you has been through something traumatic, it’s normal for the other partner to want to help — even if they don’t know how. It’s natural for all of us to want to be there for those we love. A therapist can help you heal, but they can also teach your partner how to be there for you and vice versa.

7. You and your partner have fundamental differences.

We may not mind our partner’s differences at first. That difference could be a hobby, a political view, religious difference, or any other value or interest you don’t share.

Over time, these differences can turn into points of contention, resentment, or arguments. You probably can’t change that aspect of them, but a therapist can help you both move forward in a healthy way.

Remember: Couples therapy isn’t a last resort.

As the stigma surrounding mental health fades away, therapy is becoming more and more common. You don’t have to wait for an extreme problem to try it. Try a few therapists and see what feels right. Hopefully, you and your partner will start a journey towards a better, stronger relationship. That said, therapy isn’t a fix-all solution for every problem. Sometimes two people simply aren’t compatible — and that’s okay! Therapy can help you discover what steps to take for a healthier life, whether that’s together or apart.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

7 Ways To Spice Up Your Sex Life in a Monogamous Relationship

— Because, Yes, Familiarity Can Breed Boredom

By Lia Avellino, LCSW

For years, studies have shown that Americans are having less sex, whether they’re teens or in midlife. While researchers posit several different reasons for that—the lasting social effects of a pandemic that encouraged isolation, and more reliance on our devices over human connection, to name just two—I’d wager to say that for plenty of people in monogamous relationships, the idea of sex may just feel unexciting or uninspiring. As a modern love therapist, one of the most common requests I get from people in long-term monogamous relationships is for support in learning how to spice up their relationship, and specifically, their sex lives within it.

While people who are interested in exploring non-monogamy may be able to rev up their sex lives through the novelty of additional partners, those in a monogamous relationship (who aren’t interested in opening it up) may find that the extreme familiarity they have with their partner can become a breeding ground for boring sex. And boring sex likely isn’t pleasurable or satisfying sex, either—which can just make the people involved less likely to seek it out in the first place.

According to relationship expert Esther Perel, it’s common for couples to experience dissonance as they negotiate between their values and their desires; on the one hand, they might value closeness and intimacy, but on the other hand, they might desire wildness, mystery, and intrigue.

Desire dies at the hands of routine and familiarity because, by nature, it thrives off the unknown.

Desire dies at the hands of routine and familiarity because, by nature, it thrives off the unknown. In order to feel desire, defined as hunger and craving, you have to want something you don’t currently have. And yet, to build an intimate and sustainable relationship, you need to have a person in your life (and in your bed) about whom you know a great deal.

Still, it’s certainly possible to infuse a long-term monogamous relationship with some excitement if you avoid falling into the trap of monotony. Below, find seven easy tactics for how to spice up your relationship and crank the volume on your sex life, even if it’s the same partner every time.

How to spice up your relationship and take the monotony out of monogamy

1. Approach everyday interactions with your partner more mindfully

Research shows that we listen to those we love the least closely because we believe we can predict what they are going to say. When we get used to something or someone, we tend to tune out, rather than tune in. Take, for example, brushing your teeth; do you really pay attention while you’re doing it?

In much the same way, you might realize that you tend to ask your partner how their day was without really listening to the answer, or automatically assume the same sex position or choose to have sex after dinner or with the lights out every time you have it. While there is nothing wrong with any of these practices, in theory, they all present opportunities to numb out rather than really feel—which is necessary to experiencing pleasure.

Choosing to tune into these interactions with a partner rather than allowing them to become passive programming can help you to feel more present and thus more satisfied in your relationship (and in bed).

2. Consider how your sexual desires have evolved since you started dating your partner

In all relationships, we develop patterns of interactions or ways of being together that become familiar. We often forget that when we commit to a person, we aren’t committing to being the same with that person forever. As our circumstances change—we age, have new experiences, grow, experience loss—our needs change, too.

The fact that we transform is not the problem; it’s that many times, we don’t reorient ourselves to our new needs, and therefore don’t alert our partner of these changing needs, either. What you liked when you first met your partner may be very different now, and yet you might still be relying on old patterns of interaction that no longer fit.

Human sexuality expert and sex educator Emily Nagoski, PhD, recommends asking yourself: “What is it that I want when I want sex?” and “What is it that I like when I like sex?” I recommend adding in questions like: “What prevents me from feeling good in my body?” and “What enables me to feel good in my body?” Then, ask your partner the same questions.

It’s important to normalize that desires shift over time, just like our appetites for food.

Don’t be afraid to get detailed in your investigation. It’s important to normalize that desires shift over time, just like our appetites for food, and that consistent inquiry into what you and your partner like will be necessary throughout your relationship to keep sex, well, sexy.

3. Get to know your non-sexual pleasures

If you find that you struggle to answer the questions about sexual desire above, it may be because pleasure isn’t something you feel comfortable owning or experiencing—and probably for very good reason. Your body might not have always felt safe in scenarios where pleasure was involved, or you may have been taught to prioritize what others want from you versus what you want. After all, we live in a world where many bodies are under attack and in a culture that has long privileged men’s pleasure over women’s (hello, orgasm gap).

All of the above could mean you need some personal space to heal your relationship to pleasure. From an emotional perspective, when we are unable to feel pleasure, it’s not because we can’t access it; it’s because our bodies are protecting us from feeling anything at all so as to shield us from pain.

Before approaching more pleasurable sex, it might be helpful to explore what feels good, what you like, and what you want outside of sex, and report back to your partner. Sensual Self: Prompts and Practices for Getting in Touch with Your Body, by Ev’Yan Whitney, provides accessible journal prompts to get you started on your pleasure journey.

4. Create a transitional pre-sex practice for when the day’s obligations are done

One of the common complaints I hear is that people aren’t “in the mood” or are “too exhausted” at the end of the day for sex and deep connection. I do not doubt the truth of these statements; there are so many demands on our time and energy at this cultural moment.

But what may also be contributing to these feelings is the fact that, when we’re overwhelmed, the part of our brain that can connect is not readily available to us. If we attempt to go from a busy workday, an evening workout, or preparing dinner to pressing “go” on sexual connection, we are setting unrealistic expectations for ourselves.

Instead, create a transitional practice that enables your body to enter a window where connection feels possible. If you typically run anxious, ask yourself, “What sounds, sights, tastes, textures, and/or scents soothe me?” and see how you can incorporate one or more of these sensory items into a pre-sex ritual. Or, if you tend to feel low on energy or fatigued when the time for sex rolls around, do the same thing for the sensations or sensory items that typically energize you.

Integrating, for example, a few songs, movements, or fragrances that bring you back home to your body might give you just what you need to be able to shift into a connection space with your partner and make sex feel more exciting.

5. Get curious about your sex life

When we experience dissatisfaction in our sex life, we typically create a problem-focused narrative. It might sound something like, “My partner is lazy,” or “We aren’t compatible anymore.” The issue with this type of story is that it prevents further investigation. And it’s often just a strategy for avoiding feeling hurt, jealousy, or anger while steering clear of what’s really happening below the surface.

Instead, get curious about what’s happening or what’s changed in the dynamic with your partner. For example, instead of saying, “My partner doesn’t have energy for sex,” ask yourself, “What might be taking up all his energy?” Or, instead of saying, “I just don’t find sex pleasurable with my partner anymore,” ask yourself, “What has shifted for me when it comes to sex, and what may have shifted for her?” These open-ended questions offer up new pathways for connection, rather than shutting them down.

6. Discuss the sensitive or tough stuff

Sometimes, a boring or unsexy sex life is actually covering up disconnection in a relationship, which never feels good. Because our brains like to focus on what is familiar and predictable, many of us avoid asking questions about things that we fear, or to which the answers could vary widely. But when we aren’t talking about what’s really coming up for us, silence or physical disengagement accrues around these tough topics and creates thick layers of distance between us. And sex tends to fall away (or become less satisfying) in the resulting chasm.

When we aren’t talking about what’s really coming up for us, silence or physical disengagement accrues around these tough topics and creates thick layers of distance between us.

Ask yourself: What are you wondering about your partner, but are afraid to know the answer to? Some ideas are: “What sexual fantasies do you have that exist outside of us, and how would you want to share them with me?”, “What do you wish were different about our relationship?”, “What do you feel insecure about in our relationship?”, “What makes it hard for you to connect with me?”, and “What ideas do you have about bringing more fire into our connection?” Anything that invites newness into a relationship has the potential to enliven it.

7. Spend time doing fun things outside of your relationship

This sounds counterintuitive, but in actuality, finding joy outside of a relationship can help you thrive within the relationship. Sometimes, we depend too heavily on our partners to meet our every need, and this puts too much weight on the relationship for it to thrive. The route to closeness might actually be differentiation and spending more time on your own.

How are you nurturing your own garden? What is your sexual relationship with yourself like? Do you still do things that bring you playfulness and joy that have nothing to do with your partner? Accessing the sensual, sexual, and curious parts of you that you may have left behind when you coupled up won’t just leave you feeling more fulfilled; it could also help you do your part in reigniting a spark between you and your partner.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Bisexuality has nearly quadrupled in the U.S.

— Over the past two decades, the proportion of those who identify as bisexual increased from 1.2% to 4.5%.

By Ross Pomeroy

  • A new study published in the Journal of Sex Research shows that bisexuality — being attracted to or engaging in sexual behavior with people of both sexes — has tripled in the U.S. over the past three decades.
  • Bisexuality is generally considered an invisible sexual orientation because bisexual individuals are often in monogamous relationships, so they simply appear either hetero- or homosexual.
  • The upward trend in bisexuality in America seems set to continue, as over 6% of 18-29 year-olds but fewer than 2% of respondents over age 40 identified as bisexual in the latest data.

A new study published in the Journal of Sex Research shows that bisexuality — being attracted to or engaging in sexual behavior with people of both sexes — has tripled in the U.S. over the past three decades.

University of Portland undergraduate student Sophia Neuweiler initiated the research for her senior thesis. She teamed up with Martin Monto, a professor of sociology specializing in gender and sexuality, to analyze data from the General Social Survey (GSS). Conducted by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago, the GSS has been used to monitor changes in social characteristics and attitudes among Americans for more than 50 years. Its biennial sample groups are designed to be representative of the demographic and socioeconomic makeup of U.S. households.

A surge in bisexuality

Neuweiler and Monto found that between 1989 and 1994, 3.1% of the 6,354 respondents reported having both male and female sex partners since age 18. Between 2012 and 2018, that rate had climbed to 9.3% among the 6,609 survey takers. Moreover, during the pandemic-affected 2021 survey year, 9.6% of respondents reported partners of both sexes as adults.

Engaging in sexual activities with members of both sexes after age 18 is not necessarily indicative of true bisexuality, however. For example, someone who identifies as gay or lesbian might have had opposite-sex partners in early adulthood before coming out later in life. Thus, the researchers checked to see if there was a corresponding increase in the proportion of Americans who actually identify as bisexual. The GSS began asking respondents about their sexual orientation in 2004. Between then and 2010, 1.2% of those surveyed identified as bisexual. By 2021, the rate had nearly quadrupled, rising to 4.5%.

“Society draws lines around sexual behavior, and these lines, though often in dispute, may move over time,” the researchers wrote. “These changing norms appear to have affected the proportion of people who identify as bisexual and likely also affected actual sexual behavior.”

Neuweiler and Monto note that the increase in bisexuality in the survey data might also stem from a rising willingness to acknowledge it. Same-sex sexual activity has been heavily stigmatized in the U.S. and around the world for the past century. Though such prejudices have lessened of late, the “global closet” is still vast. A 2019 study estimated that five out of six people around the world who identify as lesbian, gay, or bisexual keep their orientations hidden from all or most of the people in their lives.

Bisexuality generally has been considered an invisible sexual orientation because bisexual individuals are often in monogamous relationships, so they simply appear either hetero- or homosexual. Moreover, bisexuality historically has been stigmatized by both heterosexual and homosexual individuals, who have insisted that it’s impossible to be sexually attracted to both sexes. In fact, genital arousal studies show that it is.

Trending

The upward trend in bisexuality in America seems set to continue, as over 6% of 18-29 year-olds but fewer than 2% of respondents over age 40 identified as bisexual in the latest data. Increasing content on social media, podcasts, and TV shows that dispel society’s overarching heteronormativity may be a factor. The abrupt shock of the COVID pandemic may also have played a role. In an interview with the BBC, New York City-based clinical psychologist Jennifer Guttman noted that of her 65 clients, 10 to 12 re-thought their sexuality during the global “reset,” compared to just one who had done so before the pandemic.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

How to boost your libido if you’re taking antidepressants

— Trust us, it’s not gone forever

BY Holly Berckelman

If you take antidepressants and have found your libido’s dropped off a cliff, fear not, there are GP-approved steps you can take to bring it back.

There’s a lot of stigma around antidepressants

Due to the formerly hush-hush nature of mental illness and misconceptions spread in pop culture (hi, Stepford Wives), there’s a huge amount of misinformation that’s still present in the social conscience.

In reality, for people struggling with mental illness, particularly anxiety and depression, antidepressants medication can be life-changing. They can assist with levelling out severe peaks and troughs and bring an overwhelming sense of relief to the person taking the meds, in turn giving them the chance to work on their mental health in other ways.

Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are one of the most common forms of antidepressants and work by slowing the rate at which the central nervous symptom reuptakes the natural serotonin produced by the body. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter attributed to happiness.

However, as with all medications, there can be side effects, one being a loss of libido.

According to Cindy Meston, a clinical psychologist and sexual psychophysiology researcher in the United States, it’s the unwanted effect women report most often.

“They don’t feel like having sex, or when they have sex, they’re just not into it,” Meston tells Goop. “And many also report an inability to attain orgasm.”

A study published in The Mental Health Clinician (MHC), a peer-reviewed, bimonthly, clinical practice journal, hypothesised that the side effects of SSRIs are attributed to the increase of serotonin in other areas of the body, and may affect “other hormones and neurotransmitters, such as testosterone and dopamine.”

“This may lead to side effects of sexual dysfunction, as testosterone may affect sexual arousal and dopamine plays a role in achieving orgasm.”

Other research shows that SSRIs “impact many key neurotransmitters (like serotonin, dopamine, histamine, and acetylcholine) and decrease the activation of the sympathetic nervous system, which alters a woman’s libido.”

Aside from the scientific specifics, an unexpected loss of libido can be difficult for couples and individuals to manage.

General Practitioner (GP) Dr Sam Saling says “For those partnered up, it can cause relationship difficulties, which has a whole heap of consequences especially if there is a mismatch between each person’s sexual drive.”

Meanwhile for people who are single, “Lowered libido can still have a great effect on self-esteem, one’s interpersonal relationship endeavours, and one’s social life.”

“For both men and women, lowered libido can have absolutely no physical and mental effects, or alternatively, a huge effect, depending on the person.”

Fortunately, there are a number of ways you can work to boost your libido if it’s dropped off a cliff since you started taking antidepressants. We asked Dr Saling for her tips on getting to the bottom of a low libido, and the best ways to boost it back up.

First, look for other causes

Dr Saling says before you look to blame the antidepressants, it’s important to look for the true cause of the feeling.

“Low libido in itself is often a symptom of an untreated mood disorder,” she tells Body+Soul. “So, often the low libido that follows the commencement of an antidepressant is actually a sign of a pre-existing illness, not a side effect of the medication.”

If you’re experiencing low libido in the first half-year after commencing medication, this is particularly true, as “It can take six months or more to start seeing the full effect of an antidepressant.”

Another common side effect of antidepressants is increased sleepiness in the short term, which Dr Saling says “can definitely lower libido just due to someone’s increased desire to sleep over other activities in bed.”

Once short-term symptoms have alleviated, and the antidepressant is working in terms of abating mood symptoms, libido may also increase.

However, if after several months libido has lessened significantly, then it could be related to the antidepressants itself (rather than mood or the desire to sleep), as “low libido is a known side effect of many of these medications,” says Dr Saling.

Then, speak to your GP

If you’re suffering from a low libido, the first port of call is your GP.

“Your GP will take a detailed history and this will indicate to us what is the likely cause,” says Dr Saling. “New mood disorder medications, or an increased dose, is a clear cause.”

If it is related to the antidepressants, “Often all it requires is a dose tweaking or a different medication type,” says Dr Saling, “Sometimes, we recommend psychological counselling and lifestyle interventions.”

There are many causes of low libido including, Dr Saling tells Body+Soul, including “vascular issues, hormonal changes, and many more contributing medical conditions. Social circumstances, financial pressures, relationship difficulties and work stress” can also contribute.

If you’re suffering with low libido, your GP is the very best person you can speak to to figure it out, regardless of the cause.

How to boost libido if your antidepressants is the cause

#1. Exercise right before sex

According to Meston’s research, having sex within 30 minutes of a moderate workout significantly increased sexual desire in women taking antidepressants. ]

“We know that exercise has a lot of chronic benefits for health and sexuality—you have more energy, better sleep, enhanced body image, decreased stress,” Meston told Goop. “But in this case, we found that, in addition, acute exercise or a single act of exercise is hugely beneficial for sexual desire.”

This may be due to activating the sympathetic nervous system, which is needed to get turned on enough to reach orgasm.

Dr Saling is also an advocate for regular exercise: “I would recommend starting with a regular exercise routine incorporating both aerobic and resistance training,” she says. “This is recommended to boost mood as well as energy levels overall.

#2. Sync sex to your medication schedule

According to Meston’s research, syncing sex with when you take your medication could also help – as if you have sex right before you take your next dose, the levels from the previous dose will be at their lowest.

There is no evidence to support this practice, but Meston tells Goop that “when levels of antidepressants are very low, their sexual side effects are likely to be low, too.”

#3. Try scheduling sex

While scheduling sex may seem daggy, it can be a great way to increase intimacy in couples, which can often be a crucial step in increasing arousal.

Setting aside time where sex does not come into the picture, along with time where sex is pre-planned can help couples bond without either party misconstruing an attempt for sex, and build anticipation for the times when sex is on the agenda.

#4. Eat a healthy diet

Taking care of your body through a nutritious diet gives you the best opportunity to let it get on with its natural processes – libido included.

“A healthy diet is essential to ensure adequate nutrition to feel one’s best,” instructs Dr Saling.

#5. Introduce sex toys

Of course, if libido has dropped to the point where you or your partner is not interested in sex at all, then that must be respected. However, if you are still keen to include sex in your relationship until low libido is resolved, you may need more stimulation to become aroused and reach orgasm.

Vibrators are a surefire way to turn things up a notch if you are experiencing decreased sensitivity, and will assist with driving blood flow into the genitals.

Dr Saling also suggests implementing regular reviews with your doctor to effectively manage the change. “Not only can we review your response to medication and make adjustments if needed, but we can also recommend non-medical interventions,” she says.

“Once we work out the cause of low libido, we can tailor the treatment plan.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

How Can I Set and Actually Maintain a Boundary?

— We all know the theory. But the importance of setting boundaries is real.

By Hannah Shewan Stevens

Boundaries protect our well-being and foster functional and healthy relationships, but to be effective, the foundation has to be applied correctly.

Those who were raised without the education of psychologists on TikTok may be used to people crossing lines in our lives while thinking nothing of it. So the idea of setting and maintaining boundaries with people may feel alien.

But it’s never too late to learn how to “throw down a boundary.”

What are boundaries?

“Boundaries, simply put, are what is and isn’t acceptable when it comes to our treatment,” said Michelle Elman, a London-based life coach and author of “The Selfish Romantic.” “We need them in all areas of our life in order to know our identity, honor our needs and stand up for ourselves.”

Boundaries apply in all spheres of life and act as a verbal shield for our physical, emotional, sexual and relationship needs.

“Physical boundaries relate to your physical space and personal touch,” said Pippa Murphy, a London-based sex and relationship expert for Condoms.UK. “Examples of physical boundaries include not allowing people to invade your personal space, not tolerating unwanted physical touch and being clear about your comfort level with displays of affection.”

‘Boundaries, simply put, are what is and isn’t acceptable when it comes to our treatment.’

Potential emotional boundaries could encompass limiting the information you share with new people or restricting what topics you are comfortable joking about. Time boundaries help maintain a strict separation between work and leisure time.

“Relationship boundaries relate to how you interact with others in your relationships,” she added. “Examples of relationship boundaries include being clear about what you will and will not tolerate in terms of behavior, not allowing others to control or manipulate you, and being clear about your own needs and expectations in the relationship.”

Digital boundaries refer to your use of technology and social media. These could include not responding to work emails outside of work hours, limiting what personal information you share online and how much time you spend on social media.

Identifying your boundaries

Not everyone’s boundaries look identical; therefore, it’s crucial to ask yourself: What are mine?

Don’t apply someone else’s rulebook to your own life out of convenience.

“Take note of when you feel uncomfortable or uneasy in a situation,” Murphy explained. “What were the circumstances? What was it about the situation that made you feel uncomfortable? Next, pay attention to how you react in these situations, as your body and mind are likely to have given you physical or emotional cues that your boundaries were crossed.”

Focus on what’s important to you because understanding your core values will make it easier to set boundaries that align with your life.

“All of this will help you identify your own boundaries, but it’s important to be patient with yourself when setting your first boundary, as it can be an ongoing process of trial and error,” Murphy noted. “You may need to adjust your boundaries as you go along, and that’s OK. It’s part of the process of finding out what your real boundaries are.”

Communicating your boundaries to others

Communicating boundaries is fundamental. If they only live in your head, others won’t know they’ve crossed a line.

“It’s OK to be scared, have nerves or feel awkward,” Elman said. “You are doing something new for the first time. Set the boundary anyway. Your feelings are valid but they should not dictate your behavior. Say something rather than saying nothing.”

No one needs to know a boundary’s origin to respect it, so don’t feel pressured to divulge details. Be honest, succinct and direct when communicating your boundary.

“Use ‘I’ statements to communicate your feelings and needs,” Murphy recommended. “For example, ‘I need some alone time right now’ or ‘I don’t like being hugged.'”

Be specific about where the conversation happens. At work, it may require a formal meeting and an advocate. If it’s sexual, the discussion should take place away from the distraction of the bedroom.

“When you have built up your practice in easier situations, more challenging situations will feel less of a challenge,” Elman said. “Respond to other people’s boundaries how you would like other people to respond to yours.”

Dealing with broken or disrespected boundaries

“The two main feelings will be anger and resentment, and these will tell you that your boundaries have been crossed,” Elman explained. “Once you have noticed that, you can take action and do something about it. The word no is the first and simplest boundary to learn. If you can’t use your no, then your yes has no power either.”

Respond when someone breaks or disrespects a boundary. Silence is often read as acceptance, so re-establish your boundaries firmly and unapologetically.

“By reinforcing it, you are telling the person you are serious about your boundary and when you add a consequence, you need to follow through on that consequence,” she added. “If you do not feel safe to be assertive, then that’s a room you should get yourself out of as soon as possible.”

A consequence may look like restricting contact with a person, such as removing them from your social media account, for example, if they shared imagery without your consent.

Maintaining boundaries in the long-term

Boundaries are never finished. They expand, update and evolve over time, often unpredictably. Don’t get lax; pay attention by prioritizing making regular check-ins, Murphy suggested.

“Ask yourself questions such as, ‘Do I feel comfortable with this boundary?’ ‘Does this boundary align with my values and beliefs?’ and ‘Has anything changed that might affect how I feel about this boundary?'” she said. “Pay attention to your emotions as you reflect on the boundary.”

When checking a boundary, you don’t need to seek change, but you do need to explore whether its limits need an update. As when we’re setting a boundary, if one needs to evolve, your emotions will tell you. Listen to them.

“Think about your needs and priorities in the situation,” Murphy said. “Does the boundary help you feel safe, respected or valued? Or does it hinder your ability to connect with others or achieve your goals? Consider how the boundary fits into your overall needs and priorities. Based on your reflection, emotions and needs, decide if you need to take any action to adjust the boundary.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!