Month: March 2023

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How to Be Good at Sex

By Tom Rasmussen

I’m lying there in the dark, and it’s just not that good. I’ve had mind-blowing sex before, and I am going to have it again. But tonight I’m tired from work; the dog has diarrhea; it’s really cold; I’m kind of worried about money. And the sex just isn’t that good.

As I lie there in the dark, I start to recall memories buried deep about other times the sex wasn’t that good. There was the time I cried during and again after because I couldn’t stop thinking about my grandma who had just passed. There was that time when I said yes but I just meant “if it’ll get you off my back” and I just lay there like a jelly baby—stiff yet somehow squidgy. He’ll never text me again. There was the time when he hadn’t showered and I just couldn’t break past an unnameable smell, so I just sort of idly let him masturbate onto my face while holding my breath for as long as possible. And then there were all the times that I have forgotten where the sex was just a nothing: functional at best but forgettable entirely.

Up to now I have prided myself on being a good shag. My friends and I often categorize people behind their backs as shaggers or not. And I am definitely a shagger. (Quick aside here, just so you can play the game too: A shagger can shag all night; a shagger would rather lose sleep if it meant having a shag; a shagger isn’t super picky—they love both the person they are having sex with and the act of sex itself; a shagger may not shower after sex—but in a hot way.)

Being a shagger, before my friends and I coined the term, kind of became my identity in my 20s. Because in order to grapple with being gay in public, declaring myself the biggest slut at the dinner table was a way to get ahead of the shame I felt for being gay: I’ll control the narrative before it can be controlled for me—classic PR. In this strange space of gay-slut visibility, I would bulldoze all conversations with the most outrageous thing I could think of, and for the most part, it worked: impressing dinner partygoers the city over, as I would regale them with stories that made them feel like downright sluts by proxy.

But here I lie in the dark, worried this power might be ebbing from me. Oh fuck! I think, I’ve lost the golden goose, I’ve dropped the Holy Grail and it’s shattered all over the floor.

Monday comes and I’m thinking about this a lot. I’m pacing up and down and thinking about all the times I was not only a mediocre shag but a bad one. There was the time I stopped halfway through, the time I fell asleep with my ex-boyfriend, the time he just turned around and was like, “Sorry, this just isn’t working for me.” I decide to ask my husband, and he tells me that I’m the best sex he’s ever had. Whatever. He took vows.

I message someone I’m seeing: You’re brilliant, he replies. Sure. He has to say that. I go on to a dating app and message someone I slept with a week ago, and he replies, “Had a great time, we should do it again.” I don’t really want to, so I reply and say, “Sure! Would be lovely!” knowing I’ll forget his name in a few weeks.

How can I know if I’m good at something? Can I be good at something all the time? Can I be anything all the time? I have a friend who is a devout vegan, but every now and then, when she gets super drunk, she will eat a bucket of chicken wings. When I first found out, I was quick to judge, even though I’m a carnivore. And she said that it’s better to be a vegan 98% of the time, surely.

She’s right. One simply can’t be 100% anything at all times—there is no surefire way to get a five-star rating on my performance during sex, just like I can’t on Uber, it seems. And that’s because both sex and riding in Ubers involve another person with their own context, their own standards, their own history, and their own consciousness. That is why sex is so exciting—it’s a collaboration, an equation. Not just a reflection.

The bad sex in my life has been exactly the latter. It’s been about the sublimation of one ego over another or the struggle between whose ego gets to be sublimated. The bad sex has been had in ignorance of my own desires, where I seek to please or modify or mutate myself around somebody else. I’m sure people have had that experience with me too and left sex that I thought was good feeling like it was awful—telling their friends they had the worst shag with someone who thought they were a shagger.

At the beginning of last year, I decided that I was going to try to have only really good sex. I was going to stop saying yes to mid sex just because having it made me feel less lonely or because it validated some indefatigable need to be shown, over and over again, that someone—anyone—wants to fuck me and that must mean that this fleshy sack of mine has some value.

Since then I have noticed much more the intricacies of pleasure. It’s like a roller-coaster ride: Sometimes I’m rising slowly, sometimes I’m thrashing down a giant rickety track, sometimes it feels euphoric, and other times it feels awful and I wonder why I decided to buckle up in the first place. The truth is that sex got better since I was able to hold the idea in my head that many things can be true at once. That sex changes minute to minute. That a deeper understanding of the other person is what I’m seeking and hopefully they are seeking that from me. Sometimes there are misunderstandings, sometimes I read a person’s signals wrong or they mine, but sometimes everyone’s needs and wants are syncopated and there you have it: mind-blowing sex.

This sex is elusive; it’s hard to find, it takes work, like all good things. We aren’t born with an innate knowledge of how to be a good lover, and what that looks like changes as we do. It is absurd and egotistical to imagine we are simply a good shag, that we can (or would want to!) do it like they do in the pornos every time and be all clean, moaning, and perfect timing. Sex is a mess, and in moving through it, working with it, taking time and care and thought, we can find pleasure. And so who knows if you’re a good lover. But one thing I do know is that I am very good (most of the time) at trying to be, and maybe—short of texting every ex a questionnaire entitled “Was I a Good Fuck?”—that’s enough.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Erectile Dysfunction

— A Penis Problem That Is Rarely a Penis Issue

Changes in sexual function may be a sign that something else is wrong with your health.

By Chaunie Brusie, RN, BSN

If you have noticed problems with your sexual function or performance that weren’t evident previously, such as not being able to get or maintain an erection, you could have a form of erectile dysfunction (ED). The possible causes of ED are many, but very rarely is an actual physical issue with the penis to blame.

ED may feel like a physical penis problem, but it’s usually caused by another, more systemic medical issue.

“We like to say that the penis is like the canary in the coal mine,” said Miguel A. Pineda, M.D., the director of male sexual dysfunction of urology at Staten Island University Hospital in New York. “When the penis starts having dysfunction, it might be an early sign that other parts of the body, like the heart, could also start having dysfunction in the near future.”

It is important that people understand ED is often just the tip of the iceberg. It could be a sign to look deeper for other health problems.

Why ED can mean bigger problems

ED is often one of the first signs a male might have a systemic health issue. Why? Because in order for an erection to occur, there’s actually a great deal of “behind the scenes” work that has to happen, explained Kevin Chu, M.D., a urologist and men’s health specialist at Advanced Urology in Los Angeles and a co-host of the podcast “Man Up: A Doctor’s Guide to Men’s Health.”

“There are many systems within your body that work in concordance and are required for the penis to get an erection,” he said. “This includes adequate blood circulation, nerves and hormone levels. Additionally, emotional status and psychological well-being are very important. These systems act on a systematic level, so it just happens that many times the first sign there could be an issue is in the penis with erectile dysfunction.”

In other words, a successful erection requires a lot of different systems to be working properly in the body. And if there is a breakdown in any of those systems, it could manifest as ED.

Beyond the penis

Erections rely on penile tissue filling up with blood, so any circulatory system issue can impact a person’s ability to achieve an erection. Even a seemingly minor issue without other obvious symptoms could cause blood vessel damage over time that could lead to ED.

“Most of the time, [ED] is related to decreased blood flow to the penis,” Pineda explained. “When this problem with blood flow happens, it’s rarely ever just to the penis.”

Blood flow to the penis can decrease naturally as people get older, but some medical conditions accelerate the problem. These include diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol.

“Usually, the blood flow is decreased throughout the body, including a decreased blood flow to the heart, which is obviously most important,” Pineda noted.

Lifestyle factors such as smoking, excessive alcohol consumption, drug use and lack of exercise are contributors, Chu added. Obesity, too, could eventually result in lower testosterone levels, which can also contribute to erectile dysfunction.

ED isn’t just about a physical medical problem; mental health conditions can also have a direct impact on a person’s sexual function. Chu said anxiety, depression and stress are psychological ailments that can contribute to ED.

Even if a psychological issue is not a contributing factor, research suggests some sort of psychological consequence will occur once ED has manifested. ED can often lead to feelings of shame, isolation and anxiety, so it’s important to treat both the physical and emotional aspects of the condition.

In some instances, ED can be directly attributed to a physical malfunction of the penis. For instance, prostate surgery or trauma to the penis or pelvic area can have an impact on localized blood circulation or nerves that could negatively affect erectile function. Scar formation from such injuries can contribute, too.

What doctors will want to know

If you are having erectile difficulties and haven’t spoken to a doctor about your symptoms, it might be time for a checkup. A physician will most likely start with some basic bloodwork, including checking your testosterone levels, Chu said.

“It really is specialized to the assessment of the patient from the first visit,” he said. “In certain instances, I may utilize duplex ultrasounds, which evaluate penile blood flow.”

Let your doctor know what medications you are taking, what conditions you might have, what surgeries you have had and what kind of stressors you are experiencing. They all factor into an erectile dysfunction diagnosis.

Your doctor will also want to know about any significant family history, including if there’s a history of ED. The systemic issues behind the condition are often hereditary, so you may be screened for those medical conditions.

A history of coronary artery disease (CAD) is significant because it is strongly associated with ED, according to Pineda, since both are due to decreased blood flow through the arteries.

Inform your doctor if you or any first-degree relatives have other diseases that can affect the flow of blood through arteries. These include diabetes, high blood pressure and high cholesterol, which will predispose you to ED.

The assessment will also include a physical examination and a detailed medical, sexual and psychosocial history. It might sound strange, but looking beyond physical symptoms is important in both assessing and treating ED.

For instance, Chu stressed what he calls the “biopsychosocial” approach.

“All three aspects—biological, psychological and social-environmental factors—are interconnected and required for an adequate erection to be achieved,” he explained. “A lot of times, the focus is on the biological aspect, and that is what most patients only want to be forthcoming about. The psychological and social-environmental factors are just as important and should be mentioned to the doctor.”

Pineda encourages anyone who is having symptoms of ED to be honest with their doctor because treatment for ED is often available.

In addition, mentioning to your doctor that you have ED will open up the evaluation for other diseases that are related.

One of the newest ED treatments on the market is Eddie®, an FDA-registered Class II medical device designed to treat erectile dysfunction and improve male sexual performance. In 2021 clinical trials, Eddie proved effective in treating men with physically, psychologically and pharmacologically induced ED. Its penis-specific shape optimizes blood flow as it puts pressure on the veins of the penis but not the arteries. Blood can get in and is kept there.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Does it Mean to be Gender Fluid

By Eloisa De Farias

What Does it Mean to be Gender Fluid

Identity is ever-changing, it may be difficult to understand where you stand and that is totally okay! Sexuality and gender is fluid, the most important part is letting yourself explore and learn what you feel the most comfortable with.

In this article, we’ll tackle what it means to be gender fluid and what it entails to be a part of this community.

What does being gender fluid mean?

The term gender fluid refers to someone whose gender identity is not fixed. This means that this individual is flexible when it comes to how they present their gender. For example one day they might feel extremely feminine, but a week later feel much more masculine in their gender presentation. Of course this idea of “masculine” and “feminine” are rooted in the binary that society presents, for many gender fluid individuals the concept of gender is not relevant to their identity.

It is important to note that gender expression/identity is different from sexuality, while sexuality defines your sexual orientation (who you are attracted to), gender identity defines how you express yourself gender-wise. There is also a difference between gender identity and gender expression. Identity is the gender identification the person chooses, versus expression, which is the way people express said gender identity whether that be feminine, masculine, both, or none.

Learning that you might be a part of the gender fluid community might be scary at first, but there are many ways to plug yourself into the community and learn to be comfortable with yourself.

if you’re curious about how you might identify, here’s what you should know about what being gender fluid means:

History of the word gender fluid

The word gender fluid first came into play in 1980 alongside other terms such as transgender and gender queer. The understanding of the word was influenced by figures such as Philosopher Judith Butler who popularized the idea of gender deconstruction and brought to light that idea that gender does not have to be binary (male or female.)

Like most terms that were popularized during this time, the Internet was responsible for making them known and more commonly used. Because communities formed on social media websites such as Tumblr and Twitter members of the gender fluid community began using the word more frequently in the early 2000s putting the term on the map.

In 2014 Facebook and OKCupid added gender fluid as an option to their gender selection. Of course these kinds of additions helped the word become popularized and more individuals were able to put a label to how they felt. A variety of celebrities such as Janelle Monáe and Sam Smith came out as non-binary and this opened up the conversation of gender fluidity further and made it in a way mainstream.

Alternatives to the word gender fluid

Because identity is personal and different people are comfortable using different terms there are a variety of ways to say the word polyamorous, including:

  • Nonbinary
  • Androgynous

Over time language evolves and this creates new words derived from a multitude of historical nuances. Labels and terms can also carry connotations, bad or good, which is why one might identify more with one term over the other despite them meaning the same thing. It is also important to note that the gender fluid community can encompass homosexual, nonbinary, trangender individuals, and so much more.

What NOT to call gender fluid people

Hateful words that refer to the gender fluid community should always be erased from conversations and speech. The term gender fluid has a variety of definitions and usages, but negative connotations and stereotypes remain. offensive words should be avoided at all costs, as they are derogatory.

It is also critical to note that members of the gender fluid community have begun to reclaim derogatory terms to take back the oppression they have faced. Although within the community this is acceptable it is still not okay to refer to gender fluid people with a derogatory term if one is not a part of the community themselves. Always ask before assuming someone’s gender identity.

What makes someone gender fluid?

If you think you might identify as gender fluid try asking yourself these questions: Do you feel like there is not one set gender that describes you? Does the idea of identifying with more than one gender resonate with you? If you answered yes, you might be a part of the gender fluid community.

To further understand gender fluidity it is critical to know that it sits under the non-binary umbrella. Under the non-binary umbrella we find a variety of identities such as agender, demigender, genderqueer, and of course gender fluid. All these identities have one thing in common: not conforming to the traditional binary ideals that society imposes. Within the gender fluid world there is also diversity amongst how one expresses themselves. For example gender fluid people can use they/them pronouns or they could use he/him pronouns, they can be homosexual or they can be asexual. There is not one right way to be gender fluid.

The timeline may also vary. For instance, for some people being gender fluid is temporary until they find a gender identity that matches them, others are indefinitely gender fluid and don’t see themselves becoming fixed on one gender. The way in which gender fluid people express themselves also changes from person to person, some may seek gender-affirming medical treatment to better captivate their identity while others might fluctuate their wardrobe choices. It’s needless to say that the approaches to gender fluidity are endless.

It’s always a great idea to trust that members of the community know more about their identity than you do. Listen to gender fluid people when they speak about their identities.

Perspectives on being gender fluid

Fortunately for the gender fluid community, society is beginning to embrace the idea of dismantling binary ideals. Fashion runways and beauty brands have taken it upon themselves to be less gendered and more inclusive. That being said there are things that we must do ourselves to allow for the normalization of gender fluidity in a gendered society. For example the use of pronouns. An easy way to make gender fluid people feel heard is to share your pronouns and ask them what theirs might be before initiating a conversation, this way everyone’s gender identity is taken into consideration and there is no room for hurting feelings.

Because not all people are considerate of gender identity, there are many times when gender fluid people may feel what is called gender dysphoria. This refers to the distress one might feel regarding the mismatch between their gender identity and the sex they were assigned at birth. Gender dysphoria can cause dissatisfaction, depression, and anxiety, and This is why many gender fluid individuals seek gender affirmation whether that be changing their name and pronouns or performing medical procedures. Things such as using someone’s dead name or the wrong pronouns can cause extreme gender dysphoria which is why it is critical to listen to people when they speak about their gender identity and how they want to be referred to.

The gender fluid flag

The gender fluid flag was created by JJ Poole in 2012. The stripes on the flag represent as follows:

  • Blue: Masculinity
  • Pink: Femininity.
  • Purple: Both masculinity and femininity.;
  • Black: Lack of gender.
  • White: All genders.

Bottom Line

The bottom line is that gender fluidity comes in a variety of fonts, the spectrum regarding gender identity will always be never ending. The concept of gender itself should be dismantled. The binary world we live in does us all a disservice as there is no real “right” or “correct” way to express gender. Colors, products, and activities don’t have genders and they should never be restricted or limited to one gender identity. Gender and expression can fluctuate from day to day and there is nothing wrong with that, there is no need for gender to be fixed. It is important to explore the ways in which we express gender.

If some of the ideas above resonate with you and you’re thinking of coming out, make sure the conditions are safe and have a plan of action regarding housing and food if things don’t go as planned.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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‘Grower’ or ‘Shower’

— Scientists Define Categories for Penis Erections

Scientists say categorizing penis erection size could be helpful in certain surgeries.

By Bob Curley

  • In a new study, researchers are categorizing penises in terms of how much they grow during erections.
  • They label penises that are relatively large when flaccid as “showers” while those that are smaller at first and then grow substantially during erections as “growers.”
  • They say the classifications could be useful in some surgeries.

Size isn’t everything.

And, according to new research, when it comes to erections, where men start isn’t necessarily an indication of where they finish.

Some men are considered “showers” — having a visibly larger penis when flaccid — while others are “growers” — appearing smaller at first, but exhibiting a larger penis size when erect.

European researchers are actually defining the terms scientifically to see how many men fall into each category.

Their findings were presented at the European Association of Urology (EAU) Congress in Milan, Italy. The study hasn’t been published yet in a peer-reviewed journal.

Urologists from three hospitals in Madrid, Spain, studied 225 men, taking ultrasound scans of their flaccid and erect penises.

They concluded that men whose penis increased in size by more than 56% when erect can be considered “growers” while those whose penises increased by less than 31% should be categorized as “showers.”

However, less than half of the men studied fit either definition.

Researchers led by Dr. Manuel Alonso-Isa of University Hospital HM Puerta del Sur in Madrid found that 24% of men were “growers” while 25 percent were “showers.”

The rest fell in the middle.

“This study gives credence to the concepts of the fact that some patients will have more of enlargement of their penis than others with an erection,” said Dr. Stanton Honig, the director of male urology at Yale University in Connecticut.

”It does not comment as to whether men who have shorter penises are more likely to grow than men with longer penises, so further work is necessary here,” he told Healthline.

Why the study is important

The study had a serious purpose.

The researchers said that the findings could help physicians make surgical decisions.

“It is important to be able to predict if a patient is a grower or a shower as when we see them, they are usually in a flaccid state,” said Alonso-Isa. “If they grow a lot when they get an erection, it might mean they need a different surgical approach compared to someone who doesn’t grow much.”

Men who had longer penises when flaccid were more likely to be “showers,” the study found, while growers tended to have thinner layers of the tissue known as tunica albuginea, which surrounds the spongy erectile tissue inside the penis.

“This makes sense as the tissue is being stretched further,” said Alonso-Isa.

However, researchers were unable to establish any relationship between shower/grower tendencies and factors such as age, weight, or smoking status.

Experts said having a baseline definition of penile-growth characteristics could have medical and mental health benefits for men.

“This is a frequent area of concern for our patients and the emphasis should be on normalizing baseline and erectile length for all,” said Maarten Albersen, a urologist at the University of Leuven in Belgium.

How men may view the research

Dr. Nicole Prause, a sexual psychophysiologist whose expertise includes genital physiology, said the classifications in the study are “purely clinical judgment.”

“They are not tied to any other meaningful physiological, psychological, or relationship characteristic,” she told Healthline. “To me, the distinction appears to be just physiological: those with a shorter penis when they are flaccid are much more likely to have a larger relative increase.”

“What is interesting is that men are more likely to express dissatisfaction with their flaccid size,” she said. “This suggests that men, since they tend to be shorter when they are flaccid, are focusing on the ‘worst case’ rather than being excited to have such a large increase.”

Penis size not connected to sexual performance

From a human sexuality standpoint, the question of whether a man is a “shower” or a “grower” is largely irrelevant, Nancy Sutton Pierce, a California-based clinical sexologist, told Healthline.

That penis size is still a primary concern for men reflects “the false pretense the sexual gratification of women relies on the measurement of the penis,” said Pierce.

“If the women’s clitoris isn’t being stimulated in some way, shape, or form, she isn’t going to be having a lot of fun no matter how big or how small the penis is,” she said.

She advised men that “you are more than your penis size.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Exercise Can Help Men Last Longer During Sex

— A new research review concludes that running, yoga, and pelvic floor workouts can all help solve the problem of premature ejaculation.

One study found that running 30 minutes five times a week was as effective as medication for men who experience premature ejaculation.

By Becky Upham

Exercise could be as effective as pharmaceutical treatments in treating premature ejaculation, according to a new study published in the journal Trends in Urology and Men’s Health.

The review looked at 54 studies and nearly 3,500 participants to examine the effectiveness of nondrug interventions for premature ejaculation.

“We know premature ejaculation is a common complaint among men worldwide. The lack of a clear definition of what is or isn’t premature ejaculation has repercussions in terms of treatment, and there are relatively few effective drugs available,” said senior author Lee Smith, PhD, professor of public health at Anglia Ruskin University in Cambridge, England, in a press release.

The findings of this review suggest that physical exercise, including running and pelvic floor workouts, can help treat premature ejaculation, said Dr. Smith.

How Common Is Premature Ejaculation?

Because there hasn’t been a single definition of premature ejaculation, estimates on how many men experience it vary widely, according to the U.K. researchers. Depending on the study, prevalence ranges from 30 percent to 83 percent of men, they wrote. 

Mayo Clinic defines premature ejaculation as a man ejaculating sooner than he wants to while having sex. If it happens only rarely, it isn’t cause for concern.

A man might be diagnosed with premature ejaculation in the following scenarios:

  • Always or nearly always ejaculates within 1 to 3 minutes of penetration
  • Is never or rarely able to delay ejaculation during sex
  • Feels distressed and frustrated about timing of ejaculation and tends to avoid sexual intimacy as a result

Regular Exercise Can Help Men Delay Ejaculation

The authors found that regular physical activity as an intervention had promising results in many of the studies they analyzed in their research review.

For example, a study with 105 participants found that running for 30 minutes five times a week helped extend latency time (time until ejaculation occurs) as much as taking dapoxetine, a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) drug approved for use in premature ejaculation outside the United States.

Two other studies linked yoga with statistically significant improvements in delaying ejaculation.

Pelvic Floor Exercises May Also Help

Exercising pelvic floor muscles was also shown to have some benefits. Men who practiced pelvic floor exercises increased latency time from a median of 1 minute to 3 minutes.

Pelvic floor muscles play a role in ejaculation, and men who can strengthen and improve pelvic muscle control may be able to delay ejaculation by relaxing their perineal muscles, according to the Sexual Medicine Society of North America (SMSNA).

Also called Kegel exercises, pelvic floor workouts can help strengthen these muscles, according to Mayo Clinic.

Medication for Premature Ejaculation Is Limited

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has not approved any drugs specifically for premature ejaculation, though physicians may prescribe some medications off-label.

Topical numbing agents can reduce sensation and help delay ejaculation. There are also oral medications that may help delay orgasm, including antidepressants, pain relievers, and drugs used for erectile dysfunction, according to the American Urological Association.

“Given that drugs often have side effects, it appears that after all, the best medicine for avoiding premature ejaculation may well lie in exercise, and this possibility requires larger studies and further investigation,” said Smith.

Treating Erectile Dysfunction May Help Treat Premature Ejaculation

Some of the studies included in the review found benefits when the men with premature ejaculation were also treated for concurrent erectile dysfunction (ED), notes Raevti Bole, MD, a urologist at Cleveland Clinic, who was not involved in the research.

“I would agree that treating ED (if present) is a very important initial treatment,” she says.

It’s Important to Consider Multiple Treatment Options

Systematic reviews can be useful in that they are able to consolidate the results of many studies, says Dr. Bole.

But even a well-executed systematic review is only as good as the studies that are included, she points out. Because many of the studies the review included didn’t use the same definition of premature ejaculation, there may be different types of patients with varying degrees of premature ejaculation, says Bole.

“The studies included also had small numbers of patients, which makes it difficult to tell whether the result was due to the treatment or chance,” she adds.

Nevertheless, the review shows that it’s important to consider multiple options when treating premature ejaculation. “A lot of factors affect premature ejaculation, including hormones, stress, anxiety, prior sexual episodes, and [overall] erectile function,” she says.

Because every patient is a little different, there is no one-size-fits-all treatment. “Medication, exercise, counseling, sex therapy, yoga, pelvic floor rehabilitation, treating underlying medical conditions — all of these things play a role,” she says.

Concerned About Premature Ejaculation? Talk With Your Physician

It’s also important for patients to understand that many men may be concerned about premature ejaculation, and there’s no shame in talking about it with their doctor, says Bole.

“Many times, patients will talk to us and realize that they’re very much within normal range for ejaculatory latency. They just didn’t know what ‘normal’ was,” says Bole. “But if we do diagnose an issue, we can work together to come up with a solution.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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When Cancer Upends Your Sex Life

— Despite a wave of new research around cancer treatment and sexual health, women say their issues are still being dismissed. Here’s how and where to get help.

By Catherine Pearson

Débora Lindley López was 28 when she was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer. Within three weeks, she began chemotherapy and was thrust into medically induced menopause. Ms. Lindley López developed vaginal dryness so severe that her skin began to deteriorate and was covered in small, paper cut-like tears. Urinating was uncomfortable; sex, agonizing.

But when Ms. Lindley López, now 31, told her oncologist about her vaginal pain and about how her libido had evaporated almost overnight, she said he responded dismissively, telling her that if he had a penny for every time he heard these complaints he’d be a rich man sitting on a beach. He suggested that she confide in the nurse about those symptoms, Ms. Lindley López said.

“It was awful,” she said, tearing up. “It made me feel like, how could I even be thinking about anything else other than cancer? The fact that I would even ask felt shameful.”

Cancer can devastate a woman’s sexual function in countless ways, both during treatment and for years down the road. Chemo can cause vaginal dryness and atrophy, similar to what Ms. Lindley López experienced, but it can also prompt issues like mouth sores, nausea and fatigue. Surgery, like a hysterectomy or mastectomy, can rob women of sensations integral to sexual arousal and orgasm. Pelvic radiation therapy can lead to vaginal stenosis, the shortening and narrowing of the vagina, making intercourse excruciating, if not impossible. Sadness, stress and body image issues can snuff out any sense of sexual desire.

“The damage that is done is not only physical, though women certainly experience damage to their bodies from the cancer and from the treatments,” said Dr. Elena Ratner, a gynecologic oncologist with the Yale Medicine Sexuality, Intimacy and Menopause Program. “From the diagnosis to the fear of recurrence to how they see their bodies, they feel like their whole sense of self is different.”

Over the past decade, and particularly in the last few years, there has been a marked increase in studies on how cancer upends women’s sex lives, during treatment and after. Dr. Ratner and other experts who work at the intersection of cancer care and sexual health feel encouraged that the research world has finally begun to grapple with those complex side effects — ones that had been all but ignored in previous generations of women, she said.

Just last year, for instance, a study found that 66 percent of women with cancer experienced sexual dysfunction, like orgasm problems and pain, while nearly 45 percent of young female cancer survivors remained uninterested in sex more than a year post diagnosis. Researchers also found a high prevalence of issues like vaginal dryness, fatigue and concerns around body image among women with lung cancer — findings that highlight the toll all types of cancer (not just breast or gynecologic) can take.

And yet, some of that very same research — combined with stories from patients, advocates and doctors — suggests that the increase in scientific interest has not made much of a practical difference for women. While Ms. Lindley López’s story offers an extreme example of provider indifference on the topic, experts say the challenges she faced when trying to seek help for her issues are not unique.

“The number of women affected by sexual health concerns after a cancer diagnosis is huge, and the need for these women to have access to medical care for sexual dysfunction after cancer is enormous,” said Dr. Laila Agrawal, a medical oncologist specializing in breast cancer at Norton Cancer Institute in Louisville, Ky.

“There’s a gap between the need and the availability for women to get this care.”

Why better research hasn’t really led to better treatment

Sharon Bober, a psychologist and director of the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute’s Sexual Health Program, said several factors have helped move the needle on research. For one, survivorship is growing (in 2022, there were 18.1 million male and female cancer survivors in the United States; by 2032, there are projected to be 22.5 million). There is also a greater understanding within medicine and society at large that sex and sexuality are an important component of overall health, Dr. Bober said. Since 2018, she added, the American Society of Clinical Oncology has urged providers to initiate a discussion with every adult cancer patient — female and male — about the potential effects of cancer and cancer treatment on sex.

But some women say they’re still greeted with silence.

Cynthia Johnson, a 44-year-old from Texas, who was diagnosed with Stage 2 breast cancer at age 39, said she was “grateful for life and lifesaving treatments.” But that does not negate her frustration that not one of her doctors ever brought up her sexual health.

“They don’t tell you going into it that you are going to experience dryness. They don’t tell you that you are going to experience lack of desire,” Ms. Johnson said. “They don’t tell you that if you do, on the off chance, get in the mood to do something, it’s going to feel like razor blades.”

Surveys support her experience and also suggest there are significant gender discrepancies in who gets queried about sex. A 2020 survey of 391 cancer survivors found, for instance, that 53 percent of male patients were asked about their sexual health by a health care provider, while only 22 percent of female patients said the same. And findings presented last year at the annual meeting of the American Society for Radiation Oncology, focusing on 201 patients undergoing radiation for cervical or prostate cancer, concluded that 89 percent of men were asked about their sexual health at their initial consult, compared to 13 percent of women.

Dr. Jamie Takayesu, a radiation oncology resident physician at the University of Michigan Rogel Cancer Center and a lead author on the study, said the research was inspired by her own nagging sense that she wasn’t asking female patients about sex often enough, and she suspected her colleagues weren’t either. She has a few hypotheses about why: Prostate cancer has a high survival rate, she said, so doctors may be more inclined to focus on quality of life issues with treatment. But she also noted there were “better” and “more formalized tools” to assess sexual function in men, and that many cancer doctors — herself included — got little to no training in how to talk about sex.

Doctors say that until that changes, these types of conversations are unlikely to become standard in practice.

“This must be rolled into routine inquiry, so that it’s not something special or different, and it’s not based on a health care provider’s perspective about whether someone is sexually active,” Dr. Bober said. “I’ve had so many women say to me over time, ‘Nobody asked.’”

How and where to get help

Despite those significant headwinds, effective treatment options and interventions do exist.

Both Dr. Ratner and Dr. Bober work in multidisciplinary sexual health programs that, in many ways, represent the gold standard of care. A patient might see a gynecologist, a pelvic floor therapist who can help with treatment options like dilator therapy and a psychologist who can address emotional struggles. (Dr. Bober said that, until very recently, she could probably count the number of these centers on one hand; now she estimates there are “more than 10 and under 100” nationwide.)

A year and a half after her cancer diagnosis, Ms. Lindley López drove to one such center at Northwestern University in Chicago. At her visit, she saw a clinical sexologist who teared up during the pelvic exam. “She said, ‘You’re 29 and your vaginal area looks like you’re about 80,’” Ms. Lindley López recalled. The sexologist gave her information about laser therapy vaginal rejuvenation and recommended several estrogen creams to help with vaginal atrophy.

It was comforting “just sitting down in that office, and having someone put her hand on my shoulder and say: ‘Hey, this is important. And anybody who tells you that this is not important, is wrong,’” Ms. Lindley López said.

While they are becoming more plentiful, these types of programs still tend to exist in large hospitals or major urban cancer centers and many women in the United States may not live close enough, or have the resources or health insurance coverage, to regularly access such care. But even if going to a sexual health center is not possible, most women just need a “home base,” said Lisa Egan, a physician assistant with a focus on gynecologic oncology who leads the Sexual Health in Women Impacted by Cancer Program at Oregon Health & Science University.

Who that “home base” is can vary; it just needs to be a provider that offers help and support. Ms. Egan said it could be the patient’s primary care doctor or a cancer doctor or nurse; Dr. Bober said it might be a gynecologist or a sex therapist. Dr. Agrawal also noted that the International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health had a database of providers who focused at least partially on female sexual health issues, so it could be a useful jumping-off point. To ascertain if providers are in a good position to help, it may be useful to ask outright about what their experience has been helping women with sexual dysfunction during and after cancer, and if they would feel comfortable helping you put together a plan for addressing your concerns — even if that means referring you out to other clinicians, Dr. Bober said.

All of the doctors interviewed for this story also noted that online communities and advocacy groups could be helpful resources. Ms. Johnson, for instance, is an ambassador at For the Breast of Us, which provides community and support for women of color impacted by breast cancer; Ms. Lindley López works for the Young Survival Coalition, a nonprofit focusing specifically on the needs of young adults with breast cancer. These kinds of groups offer a platform for women to swap information, connect with providers and find solidarity — particularly as the medical world struggles to fully address their needs.

“I really want women with cancer to know that sexual health problems are treatable medical problems, and they can get better,” Dr. Agrawal said. “I just want to offer that out as hope.”

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A beginner’s guide to sensation play

— You can still get kinky, even if pain isn’t your thing.

By Gigi Engle

When you think of kink and BDSM, what do you imagine? We’re guessing dark dungeons, paddles, crops, black leather, and pain-play. Scenes of spanking and paddling tend to come to mind.

But this perception is rather limiting. It doesn’t take the whole breadth of kink activities into consideration, which can leave a lot of curious would-be kinksters high and dry.

Well, guess what, sexy pals! For those who aren’t into pain-play, kink is still accessible. This is where the glorious art of sensory play — aka sensation play — comes in. “Pain never needs to be involved in sensual sensory play,” explains Dr. Celina Criss(Opens in a new tab), a certified sex coach who specializes in BDSM and GSRD, or gender, sexual, and romantic diversity. “Think gentle touches, delicious flavors, delightful scents, different kinds of light, and beautiful soundtracks. The clothes we wear and the settings we create can be a big part of this sort of play.”

Kink is all about playing with power dynamics. At its core, it is when a submissive partner enthusiastically gives power to the Dominant partner. The give and take is the crux, not the whips and spankings. If we’ve whetted your appetite, keep reading.

With kink misinformation rife on the internet amid the online sexual misinformation crisis, Mashable spoke to reputable kink experts to break down the nuts and bolts of sensory play, what makes it so appealing, and how you can try it for yourself.

What is sensory play?

Sensory play = play that engages the senses.

Meaning, play involving touch, smell, taste, sound, and vision. If this sounds expansive, well, that’s because it is. “Sensory play is deliberately engaging the senses to explore pleasure. This is where we get the word sensual, it can mean nearly anything in a play context,” Criss says.

Sensory play focuses on either enhancing a sense (or senses), or depriving you of a sense in order to heighten the others, “such as using a blindfold so you can’t see,” says Zachary Zane(Opens in a new tab), author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto(Opens in a new tab) and sex expert for Momentum Intimacy(Opens in a new tab).

The appeal of this kind of play is that when we take away a sense — or experience intense stimulation, our brain-body connection gets stronger. It brings heightened awareness. When we experience this kind of hyper-focus, we’re flooded with positive brain chemicals like oxytocin and endorphins. When this play is sexual, it can lead to deep erotic feelings.

How sensory play can be enjoyed without pain

OK, so let’s break down where sensory play and pain play intersect. Pain-play is sensory play — because you are experiencing the pain through tactile sensation. BUT, not all sensory play is pain play. You can think of sensory play as the big umbrella term, with pain play as a subset. People can enjoy both general sensory play and pain play, or they can prefer one or the other. Sensory play goes beyond the tactile and branches into all five senses.

Don’t yuck anyone else’s yum. We’re all just trying to get nasty and enjoy ourselves.

Kink instructor Julieta Chiaramonte(Opens in a new tab), tells us that, “You can enjoy pain-free sensory play with things like massaging, tickling, feeding each other fruit, blindfolding, erotic music, etc. They all play a part in[to] a larger, more sensory experience.”

It’s about curiosity and all of that delicious power play, experienced in a way that brings in sensuality. Kink and pain can work together, but it doesn’t mean they need to go together to be valid. Don’t yuck anyone else’s yum. We’re all just trying to get nasty and enjoy ourselves.

How sensory play is enjoyed

The way your sensory play scene is played out is going to depend entirely on the activities you and your partner want to try, what feels good for you, and your boundaries. Each scene is a highly negotiated, co-constructed experience. No two are perfectly alike because they are as unique as the people engaging in them.

Some examples include:

  • Using a blindfold to remove sight.
  • Covering bodies in whipped cream to be licked off.
  • Bondage (with handcuffs, ropes, harnesses, cages, etc.)
  • Using a feather (or other tool) to caress the skin.
  • Using ice or heat to play with temperature on the skin.
  • Putting on a hood to completely block out light.
  • Massage.
  • Playing with edging.
  • Eating/feeding different fruits or foods.
  • Playing with sex toys.
  • Spanking and paddling in a soft, painless way.

This list is certainly not exhaustive, but it does give you a good picture of what this can look like for those who love it. It’s important to note that play such as spanking and paddling can still be done in a pain-free way. “I can’t emphasize enough that you don’t need to go hard. Light paddling and spanking can go a long way,” Zane tells us. “You really, really do not need to wallop your partner for an enhanced sexual experience.”

If you’re brand new to this play, Chiaramonte suggests creating a “storyline” for the scene. It could look something like this, for example: “Putting on a good playlist and giving your partner a massage. When done and relaxed, blindfold your partner and trail a feather across their body, feed them fruit/chocolate, and maybe run a vibrator around their body (having them tell you which spots feel best). When done with your sensory tools, you can scoop up your partner and hold them to slowly bring them back to reality.”

Are you turned on yet? We are.

Four expert-approved tips for getting started

Get started on your own.

When you’re new to any kind of play, trying it on your own can be a good way to figure out what you like (and what you don’t). Chiaramonte suggests getting a bunch of sensory tools together and experimenting. “A lot like masturbation, we can fine tune our intimate tools if we’ve already explored what we like/don’t like,” she says. Try using each one for ~10 minutes and think about what you did/did not like.

Kink needs to be fully negotiated so that each person has their desires and boundaries respected.

Discuss your desires and boundaries openly.

Once you have a clear idea of what you enjoy and don’t enjoy, you’ll be equipped to have an open and honest discussion with your partner. Kink needs to be fully negotiated so that each person has their desires and boundaries respected. Don’t forget to pick a non-sexual safe word (a word that lets your partner know you’re at a boundary). Check in with your partner occasionally to make sure everyone is enjoying themselves.

Get some tools.

What to play with, when there are infinite choices?! Criss suggests playing with sound and sight to start. Try making a sexy playlist and using a simple blindfold. Staying simple when you’re starting out can make the play feel less overwhelming.

You can also get a massage candle, which heats up to the perfect temperature and then creates a warm, delicious oil you can pour all over your partner for a massage.

If you want to buy some bondage gear, Zane recommends the Bondage Boutique Bound to Please Black Under Mattress Restraint(Opens in a new tab). At less than $50, you can’t go wrong.

Disclaimer: This play needs to be done with care and safety. Learn how to use restraints before going wild with them. The best place to go? Chiaramonte’s rope tying and kink classes. Check them out here(Opens in a new tab).

Stay curious!

And lastly, and possibly most important: Stay curious. This play should be fun and explorative. It can be silly, hot, funny, awkward, and amazing. Be willing to lean into all the emotions it brings and enjoy yourself.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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I’m a virgin and too scared to have sex.

— How can I get over my fear?

At 19 I would like to experience sex. But the reality makes me extremely anxious – and what if it is all a partner wants from me?

By

I’m 19 and scared to have sex. I’ve had a couple of relationships in the last two months but whenever anything sexual comes up, I become extremely anxious and scared. I can have sexual thoughts about my partners but when they bring up wanting to have sex I immediately back out. I’m still a virgin and afraid that if I have sex with someone that that is all they will want from me. I want to experience sex but it makes me nervous to the point where it causes anxiety attacks. I’m OK with sending nude photos, but hope you may be able to help me figure out why I’m like this and help me to get over this fear.

Your sexual desire is connected with a sense of safety. Without the latter you will never be “in the mood” with anyone. Try to change your mindset by releasing yourself from any pressure of expectations to have sex that might come from either yourself or others. Make it your mission to simply enjoy being with people you like in non-intimate ways, and always withdraw if they make you feel uncomfortable. You have every right to take your time so wait until you really feel ready to be sexual with someone. Never allow anyone to coerce you into sex, and never force yourself to go through with a sexual experience for any other reason than pure desire. Given your true feelings about sex, sending erotic images of yourself may not have authentic meaning for you, and might be read as willingness to be sexual immediately. Instead, by holding back, you will send a different unspoken message – that you are discerning and will wait for the right person and the right time. Sex should simply be fun for you – and never, ever terrifying.

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What Is The Hanky Code?

— The History Behind Gay Flagging and How to Do It Today

The hanky code is an intricate system of colorful bandanas.

Starting as a way to subvert homophobic sodomy laws, flagging remains an important part of queer spaces today.

By Evelyn Bauer

If you’ve been to a historic gay bar or queer leather archive, you’ve likely spotted a subtle accessory that you may not realize is an iconic part of LGBTQ+ history: a simple colorful bandana.

Flagging, also known as the “hanky code,” is a way to wordlessly tell other queer people your sexual preferences. In a nutshell, it involves wearing different colors of bandanas in your pockets — left or right, respectively, to signal top/dom or bottom/submissive roles — to indicate different kinks, fantasies, and other sexual interests to the world. The system originated in the ‘70s, a time when it was illegal in most places to have queer sex. Like leather bars and BDSM spaces, flagging is an iconic part of queer history that’s alive and well to this day.

If you’re unfamiliar with the ins and outs of hanky code, you’ll want to do some research before grabbing your bandanas. What significance does the hanky code hold in queer history? What do all of the colors in the hanky code mean? Should you go to the bar wearing a handsome handkerchief hanging from your back pocket tomorrow night? Let’s get down to business and answer all these pressing questions.

What is flagging?

The Hanky Code 101 The History Behind Gay Flagging
Courtesy of Hal Fischer. Signifiers for a Male Response, from the series Gay Semiotics, 1977.

Flagging’s origins can be traced to the prosecution of queer people and queer sex, as researcher and author Jack Gieseking tells Them. In the 1960s, state sodomy laws were introduced across the U.S. to criminalize queer sex, though local laws banned cruising as early as the 1920s. Two men who entered a hotel together could be arrested on suspicion of sodomy, and so queer sex was often had in dark public places with low foot traffic, like parks, waterfronts, subway stations, and other abandoned or industrial areas that weren’t surveilled.

As a result, communities developed a system of “flagging,” using colored handkerchiefs to subtly indicate sexual preferences among those in the know, usually as a signal to other queer people. “I think [flagging] comes out of gay men not being able to talk so much in a lot of these spaces, which tend to be quiet and outdoors,” Gieseking says. “Here’s a way to just signal what I want.”

People who are well-versed in the meaning of different hankies can tell, at a glance, what sexual activities others are looking for. Folks can indicate what kind of sex they’re looking for by using different colors and if they want to top or bottom by placing it in their left or right pocket. For example, if someone has a red hanky in their left pocket, they are looking to fist someone. If the red hanky is in someone’s right pocket, it means they want to get fisted.

Make sure you know what you’re flagging, and remember that codes like these are not a replacement for having a conversation about what you and your prospective partner are looking for. Consent is key, and you should never assume that somebody is immediately down for whatever they’re flagging without further communication.

What is the history of the hanky code?

The hanky code’s exact origins are difficult to pin down. According to Nikita Shepard, a Columbia University Ph.D. candidate studying queer history, we know it rose in popularity in the 1970s among gay urban leather scenes, particularly in San Francisco and Los Angeles. Many male-male sexual cultures post-World War II were organized around motorcycle clubs, leather bars, and sadomasochistic sexual practices, where patrons would convey their sexual interests via cues in their clothing or accessories, such as wearing keys on the left or right belt loops of their jeans. According to Shepard, some of the earliest recorded versions of the hanky code were found in one of the definitive guides to sexuality and subculture in the late 20th century: the second edition of Larry Townsend’s Leatherman’s Handbook, first published in 1983.

The Leather Archives and Museum in Chicago.
As leather and BDSM aesthetics become more mainstream than ever, this institution reminds us that leatherfolk have long been at the forefront of essential fights for queer rights.

Gieseking says one of the earliest archived mentions of the hanky code in lesbian spaces can be found in the very first issue of On Our Backs, a lesbian erotic magazine, published in 1984. This publication featured a variety of hanky colors beyond the code published in Leatherman’s Handbook, like white lace for Victorian scenes, maroon for menstruation, and pink for breast fondling. Gieseking says this is an example of how queer people reinterpreted the hanky code and made it their own depending on their scene.

“There is no central queer body of people defining what queerness is; if there was, queers would take it apart,” Gieseking says. “It’s impossible to find one central body of knowledge about anything about us. And you’ll get these different versions because you’re going to get different geographies and different groups of people over time at different places, and they’ll get a hold of one list, and they’ll add to it.”

Because of this lack of standardization, you’ll find varying online hanky codes with dozens of different colors, and huge differences in meaning represented by a small shift in shade. It’s hard to imagine that people could pick up on whether a hankie was yellow or apricot in the low light of a club or park, which could theoretically lead to some confusing and unfortunate sex.

What Do the Different Colors Mean?

While there is no singular authority on what specific colors mean in the hanky code, there are some hankies that sources agree are among the oldest and most enduring colors, according to Nikita Shepard. These colors include red for fisting, yellow for water sports (or piss play for those who don’t know), dark blue for anal sex, black for sadomasochism, and brown for scat play.

While these might be the “original” flagging colors, the hanky code has expanded well beyond these five, so feel free to have fun and figure out what hanky color ties into your particular niche kinks.

Like many aspects of queer culture, flagging has only expanded into online spaces, meaning many more colors have been added to the code. Because anyone can add to the hanky code on the world wide web, these new colors can be subjective. Some versions of different flag codes include this key from LGBTQ+ history non-profit The Saint Foundation, another list from leather organization ONYX, and this 2010’s blog dedicated to the hanky code. And if you need to add a new one, keep in mind that you’re following a beautiful tradition of decentralized queer knowledge and culture. Have at it!

Flagging in the 21st Century

Despite the rich history of flagging, the prevalence of images laying out the hanky code online, and the plain fun of having a secret sartorial code that only other queers understand, the hanky code isn’t as popular today as it once was. You may still see people flagging at leather or cruising bars, but the practice is much less popular than it was in the ‘70s and ‘80s.

Image may contain: Art, Modern Art, Painting, Human, Person, and Canvas
Queer sex experts explained what top, bottom, vers mean in the bedroom.

Gieseking says that, to them, flagging always feels like it’s about to have a resurgence, but the increased surveillance of public spaces, and the closure of many queer public-private spaces, has removed most of the places where people could or would need to flag.

“The privatization of public spaces, public parks, and their policing — which is [due to] a white middle-class concern — really erased a lot of sex in public,” Gieseking points out.

Gieseking points to a number of other reasons why flagging’s popularity is, well, flagging, from the rise of digital surveillance to a decline in cruising spaces and queer bars. But like the hanky code itself, the practice has moved increasingly online onto platforms like TikTok and Instagram where people who off their colorful bandanas. And while the hanky code’s popularity is constantly waxing and waning due to shifts in queer spaces, the benefits of the code stay consistent.

“Hanky code both reflected and contributed to the sex-positive, nonjudgmental, liberationist attitudes towards erotic desire that gay, leather, and kink communities have long led the way in promoting,” Shepard says.

The flagging code ultimately is an important part of queer community building and history that gives people access to information about a wide variety of erotic practices of which they otherwise may not have learned. By placing erotic acts such as fellatio and anal intercourse, both considered relatively “vanilla,” alongside acts that are often considered extreme and outlandish, the hanky code reduced, and still reduces, sexual stigma among the queer community. It’s important to keep celebrating queer sexuality and kink, especially in the face of the larger puritanical society.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What do our sex dreams mean?

— “It can be something your unconscious is inviting you to consider.”

By Katie Baskerville

Have you ever found yourself squirming in the middle of the night (in a good way) after dreaming of being railed by your next-door neighbour, or perhaps a platonic best friend? Same. We’re not alone. With three-quarters of the population experiencing sex dreams left, right, and centre — you’re in excellent company.
Some of the most common dream events include same-sex shags, dirty talk, and oral sex, to name but a few. However, is it possible for our spiciest dream to lead to a sexual awakening whilst snoozing? Have people been able to unlock kinks as they catch Zs?

“I’ve been with my girlfriend for five years, and I constantly have sexual dreams about different females,” says John*. He explains that, while he doesn’t dream of kinks, he has consistent dreams (up to three to four times a week) of cheating on his girlfriend with her friends and colleagues, or experiencing threesomes. “It’s not made me want to do it in real life,” he says, “but only because of the guilt. Plus, I don’t think she’d go for it.”

For some people, sex dreams lead to new levels of intimacy and ways to have sex. Laurie* has also been somewhat influenced by her dreams. “Sex dreams have mostly given my partner and I ideas for new positions to try, and also a couple of locations too (car, shower, etc.),” she tells Mashable. “There have been some dreams we’ve had over our relationship that have been way too extreme, but others that have given us some ideas for intimacy.”

For others, like Robin*, dreams have little impact on the way they have sex in real life. “As far as stuff in my dreams being explored in reality, I’d say it’s pretty much not happened,” they explain.

Diana Moffat, a psychotherapist specialising in Jungian Analysis tells Mashable that dreams do not always represent our needs like-for-like, instead, they are more abstract and usually more indicative of how we feel about the relationships we have, rather than the sex acts themselves.

Moffat encourages us to explore our kinks and sexual fantasies through waking dreams, or daydreams, but not to take things too literally. “I would say it’s almost dangerous to take dream life as a kind of indicator, because dream life is all about symbolism,” Moffat says. “Our dreams could maybe enlighten us as to why we have the kinks we have,” she continues, “a dream is about the dreamer.”

“It can be something your unconscious is inviting you to consider. In these instances, it’s good to explore what could be missing in your life.”

This view is shared by Maxim Ilyashenko, a UKCP-registered Jungian psychotherapist and analyst. “I think it’s important to look at dreams as symbolic material first — not say, ‘Okay, I dreamt about that. I have to do that,'” he explains. “But, it can be something your unconscious is inviting you to consider. In these instances, it’s good to explore what could be missing in your life.”

He explains that if dreams do manifest that challenge your sex status quo, then communication will be a vital tool you and your sexual and/or romantic partners need to employ. “I think one rule for healthy sexuality is it should be consensual with yourself and with your partner. Next is to know how you feel about the dream, because sometimes they can be formulated in quite a symbolic language.”

This is something that Robin has experienced. “So, picture a clone of me. (clone 1) gets down, and sucks off the original’s cock, yet I’m feeling both the act of giving and receiving a blowjob,” they explain. “It’s very weird as I have never even seen another man’s penis in real life, besides online. I’ve never touched one besides my own, and I’ve never sucked off a guy. So I don’t even know what it’s like — yet in the dream, I do.”

Robin explains that on a romantic level, they aren’t attracted to men but are fascinated by penises on a sexual level, which has opened them up to exploring their bi-curiousness “I’ll admit I’ve fantasized about exchanging handjobs and giving a blowjob if the situation was completely ideal,” they continue, “I don’t know if that’s inspired by the dream, or the dream is inspired by that. Or maybe it’s a combo of both, they both feed into and off of each other.”

While it’s important to note that sexual identity isn’t a kink, it’s interesting to see how new frontiers could be opening up for people like Robin through their dreaming.

“I once had a [sex] dream with one of my favourite female actresses, but I wouldn’t want to have sex with her in real life.”

For others, like Rory* who is asexual but not sex-repulsed, their sex dreams have helped them to feel more confident in their sexual identity. “I thought I was somewhere between bisexual or lesbian, [and] I just never happened to have a relationship or sex; these things always seem far away from me,” they explain. “I think it is through the reflection on my dreams that made me more sure about my asexuality. I once had a [sex] dream with one of my favourite female actresses, but I wouldn’t want to have sex with her in real life, even if she offered it to me,” they laugh.

But, what if we did want to explore our sex dreams in the real world? How and when should we do it? Silva Neves, author of Sexology: The Basics and psychotherapist specialising in sexology and intimate relationships, tells Mashable that taking sex dreams into the real world takes a large amount of self-reflection.

“Baby steps are important. We need to ask at each graduation of event, how does that make us feel? And then, think about how you might like to move forward with it,” he explains. “Imagine first and bring the dream into waking fantasy, try slowly second, and then interrogate your emotions. Did you feel horny? Neutral? Disgusted?”

Silva explains that by checking in with ourselves in this way, we can avoid pressuring ourselves into situations that are uncomfortable or non-consensual. After all, not all dreams are good dreams; some sex dreams can scare us or be about things we’d never want to try in real life.

“Often, there can be moments when our dreams of sex can include rape fantasies or scenes where we sleep with siblings, even parents,” he says. “These can be distressing and arousing. But they are not always indicative of what we want to recreate in our sex lives with our partners.”

“You do not need to act upon fantasies.”

Neves explains that dreams that take this form can be something that plays out solely in the fantastical world of our erotic mind. It can also be part of processing what love means to us in the form of a platonic relationship. The way the brain processes is by finding snapshots of images and creating a story from them. This can be explained as an abstract image formed of simple ideas. “You do not need to act upon fantasies,” he says, “and dreams are not a prerequisite to being a degenerate. They don’t always mean something. They can be random and unsettling. It’s all how you feel when you go back and reprocess and interrogate why you might feel that way that counts for more.”

So, should we pay attention to our sex dreams, if they are so abstract and can mean so many different things? Neves believes so. “They can be indicative of something larger happening in your life. If you are conforming to a relationship where your safety hangs in the balance, or you are in denial about your sexuality and identity, then it can be that you explore these needs through your dreams,” he explains.

He points out that some people can have the same recurring, persistent sex dream. In those circumstances, it might be a good idea to question what they might mean. He suggests that it could be that there is something they’re not allowing themselves to experience because of shame (in the case of a kink or fetish, or same-sex sexual activities), or it could be if someone hasn’t had any forms of sexual contact for several months.

Moffat also agrees that recurring dreams play a role in our conscious mind that is worthy of further interrogation and exploration, especially if they are distressing and indicative of trauma. “It’s like food that hasn’t been digested,” she says. “It just keeps repeating and playing again and again and again. And that’s where the therapeutic process works in thinking with you; it kind of helps make those things more digestible.”

Ilyshenko tells Mashable that dreams can be a way for couples to explore sexual fantasies without shame. “It can be a good tool to talk to your partner about desire, because it is removed from the real world. It can feel impossible sometimes to talk about sex openly. I think it’s a quite playful and safe way to explore something else,” he says.

“All humans are weird.”

“All humans are weird,” says Neves. “We all have our little bits of strange. So fantasising or dreaming about jelly, feet, rape, or any other kind of fetish and kink is entirely normal.”

He explains we all need to get more comfortable with our oddities, that we can reduce shame by reminding ourselves that most of us have some quirks in our erotic mind, and to think of our eroticism in a lighter way, rather than being afraid of something dark is lurking in our subconscious.

“We need more discourse and information on the different ways we can experience pleasure from sex and sexual activity,” he says. “If you’re into balloons and you’re not harming anyone, then what’s the big deal? Enjoy your balloons.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is Make-Up Sex Really Useful?

— Make-up sex is a resource widely used in the world of fiction. Indeed, both cinema and literature regularly use it in their productions. However, what happens in reality? Is it good or bad?

By Sara González Juárez

Make-up sex is a really popular concept and is commonly found in books and movies. A couple argues, tempers flare, and they end up in bed together.

Some people even claim that this sex is better than ‘normal’. How is this possible? After all, surely love and passion shouldn’t be compatible with shouting and insults?

Here, we’ll review this subject in depth, since it’s a commonly asked question.

Make-up sex

Make-up sex usually occurs after a severe argument. It’s extremely passionate sex and those who’ve experienced it affirm that their intense feelings of anger are mixed with those of love for their partner.

In fact, it’s the intense nature of this practice that makes many couples consider that the experience of sex is better after a conflict. Unsurprisingly, make-up sex is more common in unstable relationships.

Another reason why couples look favorably on having sex in the middle of an argument is that the sexual encounter changes their prevailing feelings, especially if they’ve been generated by a minor conflict. In effect, it creates a sense of closure, that the problem that, at the end of the day, wasn’t worth arguing over, has been fixed.

Is make-up sex helpful?

The real question is: is sex really a good way to end an argument? Let’s try to find the answer.

It’s often used to ask for forgiveness

Sex serves as a rapprochement tool for some couples. That’s because, after an argument, an emotional gap is created between both partners. Often, pride is a stone on the road to reconciliation and sex can help with this.

However, the negative connotation of this practice is that, as feelings of love and reconciliation emerge, the official apology is often ignored. This can create issues later for some couples.

Make-up sex can make things worse

Sex doesn’t always go well. This is no one’s fault and you can always stop and continue at another time. That said, if you start having sex after a fight and it doesn’t turn out to be satisfactory, it’s likely to make the situation even worse.

It could become a problem in itself

If having sex during arguments becomes a habit, it’s possible that you start to normalize it as a way of solving problems. In fact, some couples end up arguing to maintain their relationships. Or, they only have sex after an argument.

In most cases, this ends up in issues being put on hold. Consequently, they’re not dealt with and become chronic. Couples can also fall into unhealthy dynamics, such as using sex to mask their negative feelings.

It doesn’t make the conflict disappear

While it’s true that passion, as opposed to arguing, can make you forget the conflict momentarily, it won’t magically disappear.

Even if things have calmed down, returning to the conflict is unpleasant for many people. Indeed, it usually causes the entrenchment of problems in relationships.

The possibilities of make-up sex

Despite the dangers that make-up sex may entail, it can be a valid tool in resolving interpersonal conflicts.

Sometimes, couples have arguments about issues that aren’t really important. For example, something that one of them did in the past that’s no longer relevant as they’ve both recognized it as a mistake. In these cases, problems can arise when the sexual act replaces conversation and the search for solutions. On the other hand, the release of tension and the intimacy associated with the sexual encounter can facilitate the resolution of the conflict.

Make-up sex helps to calm the spirits and clear the mind. Therefore, partners can have a calm conversation that starts from positive feelings.

Finally, as in other matters of couples and sex: whether a practice is good or not depends on the variables of the context. Moreover, what works for some doesn’t work for others. Therefore, every couple must find the best way of solving their problems, either with or without sex.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Bisexuals are the ‘invisible majority’ in LGBTQ America

By Daniel de Visé

Nearly three-fifths of LGBTQ adults in America identify as bisexual, according to a new Gallup poll, a finding that illustrates the extent of a population that some researchers have termed the “invisible majority” of the queer community.

Young Americans, and young women in particular, have widely rejected the notion of sexuality as a binary choice — straight versus gay — just as they have largely abandoned the either-or, boy-girl system of fixed gender.

One-fifth of Generation Z respondents identified as queer, Gallup found, one of the largest generational LGBTQ populations ever documented.

Two-thirds of young, queer adults polled consider themselves bisexual, meaning they are attracted to more than one gender. Most of them are women, who outnumber bisexual men 3 to 1, according to Gallup. Scholars say American society allows women more latitude than men in exploring sexual identity.

“We have a range of sexualities within us,” said Michael Bronski, a Harvard professor who penned a definitive Queer History of the United States. “I think women have far more permission to be open about their sexual desires than men do, no matter how men feel.”

Around 7 percent of American adult respondents overall identified as queer in 2022, according to Gallup. Of that group, 58 percent identified as bisexual.

Researchers increasingly recognize bisexuality as the largest LGBTQ population. A pioneering 2011 study by the Williams Institute, a UCLA thinktank, examined several earlier surveys and found that bisexuals constituted a narrow majority.

A 2011 report from the San Francisco Human Rights Commission termed bisexuals the “invisible majority” of the queer community, calling out a societal tendency to act as if the largest LGBTQ group didn’t exist.

The San Francisco report found that bisexuals are frequently “ignored, discriminated against, demonized, or rendered invisible by both the heterosexual world and the lesbian and gay communities. Often, the entire sexual orientation is branded as invalid, immoral or irrelevant.”

The concept of “bisexual erasure” has a long and growing Wikipedia page.

Meanwhile, the visibility of the LGBTQ community as a whole has been increasing. With polls revealing ever-larger numbers of queer Americans, observers may be tempted to conclude the population is rising. One long-running Gallup survey, for example, found twice as many young, queer adults in 2021 as in 2017.

Researchers see the rising poll numbers more as a journey of discovery.

American society has stigmatized homosexuality, bisexuality, pansexuality and polysexuality for generations. Same-sex sexual activity remained illegal in parts of the United States until 2003. Federal law did not protect same-sex marriage until 2015.

As society has become more accepting of queer Americans, experts say, more people have publicly identified as queer. Rising tolerance may also explain why the queer community is proportionally larger among younger adults than older ones. Among the Silent Generation — Americans born in 1945 or earlier — only 1.7 percent identify as queer.

“As exciting as it is to see those numbers going up, I think those numbers are still not giving us the full picture,” said V Varun Chaudhry, a cultural anthropologist at Brandeis University who studies gender and sexuality.

Only recently have many surveys and studies focused on subgroups in the queer community, such as bisexuals, along with the total LGBTQ population. Gallup, for one, did not ask respondents to identify a specific category until 2020.

The categories themselves have not been static. The definition of bisexuality has expanded in recent years to embrace a broader view of gender and a growing range of LGBTQ subgroups, populations that don’t always fit within the strictures of a one-word label.

The modern concept of bisexuality dates to the 1800s, and the label is showing its age. “Bisexual” implies an either-or duality of genders that arguably ignores transgender, gender-variant and nonbinary people. A landmark 2021 study found 1.2 million nonbinary adults identify with neither the male nor female gender.

The term “is imperfect at best,” the San Francisco commission concluded in its report.

In recent years, bisexuality has evolved into a catchall that embraces pansexuality and polysexuality, expressing the concept of being physically attracted to someone regardless of gender.

The idea of attraction to multiple genders has seeded both celebration and conflict over the decades.

The 20th century saw brief periods of “bisexual chic,” times of heightened public interest and acceptance, sometimes extending to androgynous imagery in fashion magazines and on runways.

The blues singers Ma Rainey and Bessie Smith and poet Edna St. Vincent Millay openly identified as bisexual in the 1920s, an era of social and sexual exploration.

Another epoch of bisexual chic peaked amid the androgynous disco stylings of the late 1970s. Elton John came out as bisexual in a 1976 issue of Rolling Stone; David Bowie came out as gay in 1972. Sir Elton later identified as gay, while Bowie settled on a more ambiguous sexual identity.

At the time, celebrities who came out as either bisexual or gay risked fortune and fame. Bowie “said the bisexual label helped sell records in the U.K., but it hurt selling records in the U.S.,” the Harvard professor Bronski said, illustrating how American society resisted accepting queer identities.

Bisexual people have faced ostracism from within the queer community as well as from without.

The modern LGBTQ rights movement struggled for decades to posit the simple idea that some people are born with a natural attraction to others of the same biological sex, a concept that the movement’s opponents have sought to deny.

Many in the movement “felt that people who were saying they were bisexual were being evasive,” Bronski said.

Prejudices persist to this day. A 2019 study found that bisexual people experience “bi-negativity”— anti-bisexual prejudice — “from both heterosexuals and lesbian and gay individuals, as well as the LGBTQ community more broadly.”

Bisexual people are stigmatized over the belief that they are “confused about their sexuality, or that bisexuality does not actually exist,” the study found. They are sometimes viewed as promiscuous or untrustworthy.

“There’s this assumption that you’re either gay or straight and you will ultimately fall to one side or the other,” Chaudhry said. “People might say, ‘Oh, you’re not really committed to this relationship because your last partner was the other gender.’”

To this day, some older lesbian and gay people struggle to accept bisexuality. Younger adults, by contrast, have grown up with “a range of sexualities,” Bronski said, with gay and lesbian just two identities among many.

Survey numbers suggest, however, that young men are far less open than young women to exploring attraction to people of multiple genders. Six percent of American women respondents identify as bisexual, Gallup found, but only 2 percent of men.

Researchers cite enduring masculine stereotypes that associate sexual exploration with femininity. Popular culture is awash in female celebrities who identify as bisexual; male bisexual role models seem fewer.

“If I had to guess, I would say there are more societal constraints around masculinity than around femininity,” Chaudhry said. “There’s a lot more societally accepted fluidity and freedom in so-called female friendships.”

A 2019 Pew Research survey found bisexual people are much less likely than gay or lesbian people to be “out” to important people in their lives. One reason, Pew reported, is that bisexuals are less likely to see sexual orientation as central to their identity.

Bisexual people are far more likely to marry or cohabit with partners of a different sex. A 2021 Gallup survey found 32 percent of bisexual adult respondents had partners of a different sex, and 5 percent had same-sex partners. Some of that disparity, researchers say, reflects enduring prejudice.

“There’s actually enormous pressure from parents to get married,” Bronski said. “Still. Parents who are younger than me. These are mostly younger, heterosexual parents who are invested in heterosexual relationships.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Okay, What Can You *Actually* Learn in Sex Therapy?

— Well, for starters, it can go way beyond just how to improve your sex life. Here’s what sex therapists (and real patients) want you to know.

By Madeline Howard

Pop culture tends to portray sex therapy like that unforgettable scene in Meet The Fockers where Ross teaches a sex workshop—an over-sexualized space where an instructor helps you and your partner get into different tantric positions. And while there’s a time and a place for those experiences (there is such a thing as sex coaching, for example) that’s not *exactly* what a sex therapist can do for you IRL.

By definition, sex therapy is a specialized area of psychotherapy, explains AASECT-certified sex therapist Jenni Skyler, PhD, director of The Intimacy Institute. Usually, that specialization is in relationship therapy with a focus on sexuality and intimacy, which is why a regular therapist doesn’t always have the background to address these issues with the depth the patient might need. (However, some therapists are also trained in sex therapy and can offer additional services!)

People can see sex therapists either alone or with their partner(s), and sessions are often about working through sexual functioning, desire discrepancies or mismatches, sexual identity, healing from affairs, restarting sexless relationships, and more, Skyler says. All in all, there are many reasons you can go, and the sessions take place in a typical therapist’s office or medical setting—not a sex dungeon.

This means that sex therapy (like regular therapy!) can also be covered by health insurance depending on your provider. You can expect to pay anywhere from $30 to $450 per session, the cost of which is determined by the scope of your needs, the professional you go to, whether you attend alone or with a partner, and most likely, your insurance type.

And also like with regular therapy, the length of time you go is different for everyone. You shouldn’t expect for one session to solve all your problems, but you don’t need to go forever. “I measure my success on my ability to fire myself,” jokes Sykler. “It’s great when I can graduate people.”

Overall, sex therapy is misunderstood, but it shouldn’t be. That’s why we asked both real sex therapists and people who’ve attended sex therapy themselves to explain what you can gain from the experience. If you’re considering going to sex therapy and have been on the fence because you don’t know what to expect, consider this your everything-to-know guide.

What Actually Is Sex Therapy, and How Is It Different from Sexual Surrogacy or Sex Coaching?

Despite what you might think, “there is no physical touch or sexual relationship between the therapist and the client during sex therapy,” explains sex therapist Daniella Acker, LCSW, who practices at Wise Therapy in Brooklyn, New York, and sees a sex therapist personally.

“It’s actually incredibly important when you’re talking about sex and sexuality with your patients that there are defined boundaries that make people feel safe,” given the vulnerable subject matter, they explain. It’s basically just like walking into a regular therapist’s office, except that “we have skills and tools to talk specifically about sex comfortably with our patients,” Acker says.

There are other domains of client work where physical touch or hands-on coaching may come into play, like sex coaching or sexual surrogacy, but they’re not the same as sex therapy, specifically. “That’s where the media gets it wrong,” says Skyler.

Sexual surrogacy is when someone with a disability that inhibits them from traditional dating or sex seeks out professional support from a specialist who can help them learn how to be intimate through physically practicing with them, Skyler says.

Also different from a sex therapist, a sex coach “may enter your bedroom and guide you or couples in the moment. Some sex coaches even touch their clients, and for some people who don’t mind having a third person guide them in the bedroom, these experts can be valuable,” Skyler explains.

While these types of services can be helpful for those who seek them out, it’s important to distinguish them from sex therapy—which is different in both practice and in training.

How Do You Find a Sex Therapist?

There are a few different ways you can go about finding a sex therapist. If you have insurance, you can call your insurance company and ask for a list of therapists they cover. This information is also often found online, depending on your provider.

You can also search Psychology Today’s “Find a Therapist” directory, or the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists’s (AASECT) “Find a Professional” feature. If you already see a regular therapist or licensed clinical social worker, they might be able to refer you to a colleague. Your general doctor might also have a connection that works for you.

When looking for a sex therapist, it’s important to take your time. You want to make sure they’re someone you mesh well with and who you can feel comfortable opening up to about various intimate details. Don’t be afraid to tell a them you don’t feel it’s a right fit—it’s part of their job! A good therapist will want you to work with someone you feel 100 percent good about.

You Don’t Have to Be in a Relationship to Go to Sex Therapy.

Single people commonly attend to address sexual dysfunction (which can be related to chronic health issues), past abuse, premature ejaculation, erectile issues, pain, trouble reaching orgasm, and more, Skyler says. They may be partnered and trying to better understand their sexuality in order to improve their relationship, or they’re single and want to work on personal growth.

“I started going to sex therapy when my relationship with my current partner started getting more serious, and I found past religious and relationship trauma getting in the way of sex and intimacy both with him and during solo sessions,” explains Sarah, 26, a writer and fitness instructor who currently attends sex therapy on a monthly basis. Her partner attends her sessions on occasion, but largely, sex therapy is something she does on her own.

It’s also important to note the role that sexual identity can play in sex therapy, too. Whether you’re queer or you’re someone who has sex with queer individuals, sex therapy can be a helpful way to explore your own sexuality. Why? “Sex therapists are able to hold space for the complexity of sex, that it’s not just for straight people or between a cisgender woman and a cisgender man,” Acker says.

Sex Therapy Can Be Hugely Beneficial for Couples.

There’s tons you can unpack in sex therapy with a partner, including navigating a sexless relationship, fostering desire, mismatched sex drives, lower libidos, lifestyle changes like open relationships, and more, Skyler explains.

“For many years, my partner and I were struggling with a lack of intimacy and sexual satisfaction in our relationship,” explains Galia, 30, a cleaning service founder. “Despite our love for each other, we were facing difficulties in our sexual relationship and feeling frustrated and disconnected.” While sex therapy did improve their sex life, it also helped them in other areas. “We gained a deeper understanding of each other and our relationship,” she says, and she’s “confident about building an even stronger bond” in the future.

Additionally, sex therapy can also help you normalize healthy communication, since you’re in a safe space where that kind of communication is not just encouraged, but also necessary in order to see progress.

“You want couples to be vocal and verbal with each other about what they find pleasurable or arousing,” explains AASECT-certified sex therapist Janet Brito, PhD, founder of the Hawaii Center for Sexual and Relationship Health. “Then, you want them to prioritize their sexual relationship in their everyday life.”

Overall, Skyler says a sex therapist’s goal is to “support the couple toward a harmonious future, emotionally and sexually,” and that future can look different for everyone.

Sex Therapy Can Be Helpful for Trauma Healing.

Sarah, who was raised in a conservative Christian home, says her upbringing “distorted my image of womanhood, my body, healthy relationships, and sex.”

“I wasn’t able to experience true pleasure, and my maturity level around sex was so low that I couldn’t even verbalize fantasies, boundaries, desires, or anything to my partner,” she says, despite trusting him. Through sex therapy, she wanted to figure out what sex meant to her when separated from her past.

Sarah’s situation is common—many people go to sex therapy to heal from trauma, specifically when it’s stopping them from experiencing sex to its fullest potential, Acker explains. This trauma can include anything from physical or sexual abuse, religion, toxic relationships, and more.

This past trauma can manifest both emotionally and physically, from experiencing vaginal pain during intercourse, to feeling triggered during certain forms of touch, Acker says. Like Sarah, it can also make you unable to verbalize your needs.

If you are going to sex therapy for trauma healing, you might also benefit from seeing the therapist for a longer period of time, Brito says. But all in all, know that there’s hope. “I continue to see my sex therapist once a month, and we cover everything from religious trauma, to masturbation, to relationship miscommunications, to confidence,” Sarah says. “Ultimately, I’ve learned to be more gentle with myself instead of judging myself for my sheltered past and naivety around sex.”

You Don’t Need to Have a Sex Issue to Go to Sex Therapy.

Just like with regular therapy, you don’t need to have experienced trauma or be dealing with sexual dysfunction to go. It’s fine if you’re just curious about pleasure (or pain) and you’d like someone to speak with. “If you have a body, you can come to sex therapy and find something to explore,” Acker says.

But whether you go alone or with a partner, make sure you’re fully committed to the practice—especially if you’re targeting something specific. “This requires motivation to find insights to your issues and working with the tools your therapist suggests to make the changes you need,” Skyler explains.

Have Patience and Be Kind to Yourself.

Remember that this process can be trying—but worth it! “I know it’s really cheesy, but sex therapy changes people’s lives,” Acker says, especially since intimacy and sexuality can be such a taboo subject for many. Get inspired to make changes, but know that it can still take time to see transformations take place. Don’t rush yourself through this! The end result will be worth it—trust.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What to Do When You Have Mismatched Libido in a Relationship

— A mismatched libido, also known as sexual desire discrepancy, is a common issue in relationships that occurs when one partner has higher or lower sex drive than the other. While a difference in sexual desire in couples is normal, it may cause a lot of stress for some couples. Luckily, there are ways to help mitigate this difference, including scheduling sex, exploring intimacy without sex, self-pleasure, and therapy.

By Rhiannon John, MSexol

  • A mismatched libido, also known as sexual desire discrepancy, is a common issue in relationships where one partner desires sex more than the other.
  • Several factors influence sexual desire, including stress, fatigue, hormones, pregnancy, medications, and illness. As partners experience these factors at different stages throughout their life, a mismatched libido is normal and may come and go.
  • If you and your partner are experiencing a mismatched libido and it is troubling you, you can have a pleasurable and satisfying sex life by being understanding, using good communication, and compromising.

What is a mismatched libido?

A mismatched libido, which is also known as sexual desire discrepancy, is when each person within a relationship has a different level of sexual desire than the other. There are a number of factors that can influence a person’s sexual desire, including:

  • Stress
  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • Relationship problems
  • Trauma
  • Pregnancy
  • Menopause
  • Pain during sex
  • Self-esteem
  • Illness
  • Certain medications

As these factors influence a person’s sexual desire, a mismatched libido is not necessarily permanent, and some couples could experience a change in their sexual desire for a brief period in their relationships. For example, a couple may experience mismatched libido during pregnancy and postpartum, but their desire may return to previous levels once the child is sleeping through the night.

It’s important to note that the stereotype surrounding men having higher rates of desire, and women having lower rates, is not true and is also heteronormative. Many women experience higher rates of sexual desire than their partners. And sexual desire discrepancy is common in many relationship types, including gay, lesbian, and queer relationships.

How common is mismatched libido?

Having a different amount of sexual desire than your partner is normal and extremely common, with one study finding it affects around 80% of couples.

It’s important to remember that having a higher or lower sex drive than your partner is normal and that, as many factors impact sexual desire, it is bound to change at different stages of life. Having a mismatched libido isn’t necessarily an issue that needs to be worked on. For some couples, a mismatched libido isn’t a big deal, but for others, it can cause enormous strain on the relationship.

Can a relationship work with mismatched libidos?

Yes, a relationship with mismatched libidos can work. Couples who use empathy, understanding, good communication, and compromise find that they can have a pleasurable and satisfying sex life.

Mismatched libidos – what to do:

If you and your partner are experiencing mismatched libidos, there are a few things that you can try.

Communicate your concerns

If you are experiencing a discrepancy in sexual desire within your relationship, the first thing you need to do is communicate with your partner. Pick a time when both partners are free from distraction and have an open and honest discussion about your concerns, needs, desires, and boundaries. Make sure that you listen to your partner’s concerns and treat them with respect, avoiding any blame or shame.

Compromise

Once you and your partner have communicated your concerns, needs, desires, and boundaries, work out a way in which each person can have some of their needs met. To do this, both partners will need to compromise and incorporate different strategies, including scheduling sex, exploring intimacy without having sex, self-pleasure, addressing the underlying issues, and potentially seeing a therapist.

Respect each other’s boundaries

First and foremost, remember that it is always ok to say “no.” Neither partner should be pressuring the other into doing something they’re not comfortable with. However, if the relationship is safe and healthy for each partner, and the couple is committed to working through their differences in libido, the partner with the lower libido should provide their partner reassurance when saying no, to avoid them feeling personally rejected.

Tips for couples experiencing sexual desire discrepancy

If you and your partner have a different amount of sexual desire, there are a few tips that you can try.

Schedule sex

Scheduling sex has many benefits. First, it helps us to prioritize our pleasure in a world where so many other things are competing for our attention. It’s also great for those who have responsive desire, who are turned on only once they are sexually stimulated. Scheduling sex also helps to take the pressure off initiating sex, as the partner with the higher desire doesn’t feel guilt or rejection from initiating. Scheduling intimacy also creates anticipation and excitement leading up to the event.

Explore intimacy without sex

Exploring intimacy without having sex allows couples to build on their emotional connection, which increases trust and closeness, all essential ingredients to having good sex. Couples can also maintain intimacy through physical touch, such as kissing and cuddling, and spending time together doing their favorite activities.

Additionally, couples may like to reframe their understanding of sex and focus on sexual or intimate acts outside of penetration. For example, one partner may be feeling tired but open to receiving oral sex but unable to put in much effort. This may please the other partner, who is willing to give pleasure and finds this sexually stimulating.

Try self-pleasure

If you find yourself wanting more sex than your partner, self-pleasure can help to reduce the pressure on both partners, as the higher-desire partner can experience sexual pleasure without having to pressure their partner.

Self-pleasure is also beneficial for the lower-desire partner, as it can help to increase their desire and sexual self-confidence, and they may find new ways to pleasure themselves, which can be communicated back to their partner.

Try therapy

Many people find that seeing a sex therapist or mental health professional who specializes in sex and relationships is beneficial. Therapists can offer support and guidance and help address any underlying factors that may be contributing to the discrepancy in desire.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What is hotpast?

— Meet the men who get turned on hearing about their partners’ sexual past

“We sometimes use her vibrator and pretend it’s an ex”

By Brit Dawson

When 40-year-old Louis* and his wife have sex, he thinks about her exes. He pictures her with them, in scenarios based on real encounters from her past. He might even imagine himself as them, or ask his wife to recount racy stories when they have sex. While this might be the very last thing many people would want to think about, for Louis, it’s actually a turn on.

The pair have been together for 12 years, but around five years ago Louis started feeling curious about his wife’s past. One day, he asked her about her exes and previous one-night stands. “I couldn’t keep my hands off her while she told me,” he recalls. “I’d never asked any of my partners that question before. My wife was surprised that I wanted to know what other men did to her, how she liked it, and how it felt for her.”

While society has largely moved past the idea women should save themselves for marriage, we are still obsessed with their sexual pasts. This can materialise in TikTok vox pops about women’s ‘body counts’, in so-called ‘virginity auctions’, or in private romantic relationships, where former lovers are often the source of jealousy, competition, and insecurity.

But, while many squirm at the idea of their partner doing anything sexual with someone else (even retroactively), some are wildly turned on by it. They might get off thinking about a spontaneous one-night stand their partner had, role play as an ex during sex and recreate a specific encounter, or simply encourage their partner to indulge them in sultry stories from their past. And, like with all sexual interests, there’s a fetish – and therefore a subreddit – dedicated to it. Welcome to ‘hotpast’.

The subreddit has nearly 86,000 members, and predominantly consists of men. (As a comparison, a counterpart subreddit for women to share hotpast stories of their partners only has 202 members). Hotpast is particularly steadfast in its conversation topics – users can only post about the past sexual exploits of their partners, with talk of cuckolding (being aroused by being cheated on), hot wives (encouraging your spouse to cheat on you), swinging and plain old cheating banned. Posts tend to consist of tantalising anecdotes – “She blew a professional footballer in a car park” – stories of how couples are incorporating the fetish into their sex lives – “Having sex in the same places she had sex with other people” – and advice, sometimes about navigating occasional pangs of jealousy.

Why some men fetishise their partner’s former sexual activities may in fact be tied to those more typical feelings of jealousy and insecurity the stories inspire. “This transformation may represent a process called ‘eroticisation of fear’,” writes psychologist and sex therapist David Ley, “whereby people overcome something they fear by turning it into a sexual experience, transforming the power of their fear into an erotic engine.”

This is a sentiment echoed by many hotpast fetishists, including 33-year-old Martin*. “The fetish felt like the antidote to the insecurity and jealousy I was dealing with early on in my relationship,” he tells British GQ, explaining that these feelings stemmed from the pair’s imbalance in sexual experience. Martin lost his virginity to his current partner of over a decade, but she’d had several sexual encounters before him. To counteract the jealousy, he tried to reframe the encounters as arousing instead. Now, he “masturbates to thoughts of [his partner] doing sexual acts with her exes often.”

That’s not to say the fetish is always about jealousy. For Louis, it’s more about being part of his wife’s past pleasure. “I’m sure she’s had a few great times in bed without me and I wouldn’t want to shame her into thinking she can’t think of those again since we’re married,” he says. “I’d like to enjoy those times with her. We sometimes use her vibrator and pretend it’s an ex; when she [orgasms], she’ll [think about] him and their past, and what they did at [a particular] moment.”

Both Martin and Louis have been with their partners for over 10 years, and have each divulged their fetish. They both say their partners are happy to share details of their sexual past – but that the fetish is very much theirs. “It’s been a slow process. I try to [incorporate it into our sex lives] when possible, but not pry too much,” Martin says. “The technique of this fetish is to not overplay your hand and constantly ask for details during sex.”

Still, where things become complicated is when the question of who this fetish is really serving comes up. Many men I spoke to suggested that their partners sometimes, as one of them said, “grow weary” with what can manifest as a barrage of questions about their sexual history. There might be a risk, then, that men put their own hedonism before their partner’s enjoyment or comfort.

In these instances, fantasy storytelling might be a more suitable alternative to recalling genuine stories. Fifty-year-old Tony* says this worked for him in previous casual relationships. Referencing an affair he once had with a married woman, he recalls: “She even got to the point of either embellishing activities or creating elaborate stories about adventures that were fiction or fantasy. In any case, they were plausible in so many dimensions that it fed my desires.”

For some, like 53-year-old HK, the fetish is just another way of keeping the spark alive in long-term relationships. “It’s definitely kept my interest during rough patches in our 26-year marriage,” he says. “I enjoy thinking of how others must have been excited and aroused seeing her.”

Hotpast, like consensual non-monogamy and ;polyamory, hint at an increase in both open-mindedness and a lack of possessiveness in modern relationships. “I suspect that these men likely tend to be lower on antisocial tendencies, higher on empathy, and lower on characteristics of ‘hostile masculinity’,” wrote Ley, “but this remains to be seen empirically.”

37-year-old Bradley* from Canada – who says he “doesn’t have a jealous bone in his body” – appears to fit this description. “I love thinking about [my wife] in sexy, pleasurable scenarios, and I’m happy she had an active and fulfilling sex life before we met… and since,” is the simple way he explains his fetish.

As to why there doesn’t seem to be many women interested in the hotpast online, it may, in part, speak to a wider trend of niche internet sexual subcultures being dominated by men, rather than a lack of women fantasising about their partners’ pasts. The r/CuckqueanCommunity on Reddit has nearly 100k members – though this pales in comparison to the 1.2 million on r/Cuckold.

However, it could also be down to the fact men have historically had a far great license to be promiscuous than women, and so fetishing their sexual history isn’t as taboo-breaking. As Ley pointed out, this can be linked to Freud’s Madonna-Whore complex; maybe more men are realising that they can both desire and love the same person, which might actually help them “create a new, more holistic view of their wife”.

Whether the men of hotpast actually want their partners to act on these fantasies is another matter. When asked about this, most of the men give the same response. “It’s fun to think and fantasise about, but I’m not 100 per cent sure I’d want to have her do it,” admits HK.

Tony agrees. “We talk about how I’d like to watch her have sex,” he says. “I’d like to watch her in an MFM threesome or in a scene or activity that’s from her wilder adventures. It sounds good, but I’m not sure I’d really want to sit back and watch. There’s concern with jealousy. Will I be upset about things she’s doing? One’s imagination is often better than the reality.”

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