— Well, for starters, it can go way beyond just how to improve your sex life. Here’s what sex therapists (and real patients) want you to know.
Pop culture tends to portray sex therapy like that unforgettable scene in Meet The Fockers where Ross teaches a sex workshop—an over-sexualized space where an instructor helps you and your partner get into different tantric positions. And while there’s a time and a place for those experiences (there is such a thing as sex coaching, for example) that’s not *exactly* what a sex therapist can do for you IRL.
By definition, sex therapy is a specialized area of psychotherapy, explains AASECT-certified sex therapist Jenni Skyler, PhD, director of The Intimacy Institute. Usually, that specialization is in relationship therapy with a focus on sexuality and intimacy, which is why a regular therapist doesn’t always have the background to address these issues with the depth the patient might need. (However, some therapists are also trained in sex therapy and can offer additional services!)
People can see sex therapists either alone or with their partner(s), and sessions are often about working through sexual functioning, desire discrepancies or mismatches, sexual identity, healing from affairs, restarting sexless relationships, and more, Skyler says. All in all, there are many reasons you can go, and the sessions take place in a typical therapist’s office or medical setting—not a sex dungeon.
This means that sex therapy (like regular therapy!) can also be covered by health insurance depending on your provider. You can expect to pay anywhere from $30 to $450 per session, the cost of which is determined by the scope of your needs, the professional you go to, whether you attend alone or with a partner, and most likely, your insurance type.
And also like with regular therapy, the length of time you go is different for everyone. You shouldn’t expect for one session to solve all your problems, but you don’t need to go forever. “I measure my success on my ability to fire myself,” jokes Sykler. “It’s great when I can graduate people.”
Overall, sex therapy is misunderstood, but it shouldn’t be. That’s why we asked both real sex therapists and people who’ve attended sex therapy themselves to explain what you can gain from the experience. If you’re considering going to sex therapy and have been on the fence because you don’t know what to expect, consider this your everything-to-know guide.
What Actually Is Sex Therapy, and How Is It Different from Sexual Surrogacy or Sex Coaching?
Despite what you might think, “there is no physical touch or sexual relationship between the therapist and the client during sex therapy,” explains sex therapist Daniella Acker, LCSW, who practices at Wise Therapy in Brooklyn, New York, and sees a sex therapist personally.
“It’s actually incredibly important when you’re talking about sex and sexuality with your patients that there are defined boundaries that make people feel safe,” given the vulnerable subject matter, they explain. It’s basically just like walking into a regular therapist’s office, except that “we have skills and tools to talk specifically about sex comfortably with our patients,” Acker says.
There are other domains of client work where physical touch or hands-on coaching may come into play, like sex coaching or sexual surrogacy, but they’re not the same as sex therapy, specifically. “That’s where the media gets it wrong,” says Skyler.
Sexual surrogacy is when someone with a disability that inhibits them from traditional dating or sex seeks out professional support from a specialist who can help them learn how to be intimate through physically practicing with them, Skyler says.
Also different from a sex therapist, a sex coach “may enter your bedroom and guide you or couples in the moment. Some sex coaches even touch their clients, and for some people who don’t mind having a third person guide them in the bedroom, these experts can be valuable,” Skyler explains.
While these types of services can be helpful for those who seek them out, it’s important to distinguish them from sex therapy—which is different in both practice and in training.
How Do You Find a Sex Therapist?
There are a few different ways you can go about finding a sex therapist. If you have insurance, you can call your insurance company and ask for a list of therapists they cover. This information is also often found online, depending on your provider.
You can also search Psychology Today’s “Find a Therapist” directory, or the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists’s (AASECT) “Find a Professional” feature. If you already see a regular therapist or licensed clinical social worker, they might be able to refer you to a colleague. Your general doctor might also have a connection that works for you.
When looking for a sex therapist, it’s important to take your time. You want to make sure they’re someone you mesh well with and who you can feel comfortable opening up to about various intimate details. Don’t be afraid to tell a them you don’t feel it’s a right fit—it’s part of their job! A good therapist will want you to work with someone you feel 100 percent good about.
You Don’t Have to Be in a Relationship to Go to Sex Therapy.
Single people commonly attend to address sexual dysfunction (which can be related to chronic health issues), past abuse, premature ejaculation, erectile issues, pain, trouble reaching orgasm, and more, Skyler says. They may be partnered and trying to better understand their sexuality in order to improve their relationship, or they’re single and want to work on personal growth.
“I started going to sex therapy when my relationship with my current partner started getting more serious, and I found past religious and relationship trauma getting in the way of sex and intimacy both with him and during solo sessions,” explains Sarah, 26, a writer and fitness instructor who currently attends sex therapy on a monthly basis. Her partner attends her sessions on occasion, but largely, sex therapy is something she does on her own.
It’s also important to note the role that sexual identity can play in sex therapy, too. Whether you’re queer or you’re someone who has sex with queer individuals, sex therapy can be a helpful way to explore your own sexuality. Why? “Sex therapists are able to hold space for the complexity of sex, that it’s not just for straight people or between a cisgender woman and a cisgender man,” Acker says.
Sex Therapy Can Be Hugely Beneficial for Couples.
There’s tons you can unpack in sex therapy with a partner, including navigating a sexless relationship, fostering desire, mismatched sex drives, lower libidos, lifestyle changes like open relationships, and more, Skyler explains.
“For many years, my partner and I were struggling with a lack of intimacy and sexual satisfaction in our relationship,” explains Galia, 30, a cleaning service founder. “Despite our love for each other, we were facing difficulties in our sexual relationship and feeling frustrated and disconnected.” While sex therapy did improve their sex life, it also helped them in other areas. “We gained a deeper understanding of each other and our relationship,” she says, and she’s “confident about building an even stronger bond” in the future.
Additionally, sex therapy can also help you normalize healthy communication, since you’re in a safe space where that kind of communication is not just encouraged, but also necessary in order to see progress.
“You want couples to be vocal and verbal with each other about what they find pleasurable or arousing,” explains AASECT-certified sex therapist Janet Brito, PhD, founder of the Hawaii Center for Sexual and Relationship Health. “Then, you want them to prioritize their sexual relationship in their everyday life.”
Overall, Skyler says a sex therapist’s goal is to “support the couple toward a harmonious future, emotionally and sexually,” and that future can look different for everyone.
Sex Therapy Can Be Helpful for Trauma Healing.
Sarah, who was raised in a conservative Christian home, says her upbringing “distorted my image of womanhood, my body, healthy relationships, and sex.”
“I wasn’t able to experience true pleasure, and my maturity level around sex was so low that I couldn’t even verbalize fantasies, boundaries, desires, or anything to my partner,” she says, despite trusting him. Through sex therapy, she wanted to figure out what sex meant to her when separated from her past.
Sarah’s situation is common—many people go to sex therapy to heal from trauma, specifically when it’s stopping them from experiencing sex to its fullest potential, Acker explains. This trauma can include anything from physical or sexual abuse, religion, toxic relationships, and more.
This past trauma can manifest both emotionally and physically, from experiencing vaginal pain during intercourse, to feeling triggered during certain forms of touch, Acker says. Like Sarah, it can also make you unable to verbalize your needs.
If you are going to sex therapy for trauma healing, you might also benefit from seeing the therapist for a longer period of time, Brito says. But all in all, know that there’s hope. “I continue to see my sex therapist once a month, and we cover everything from religious trauma, to masturbation, to relationship miscommunications, to confidence,” Sarah says. “Ultimately, I’ve learned to be more gentle with myself instead of judging myself for my sheltered past and naivety around sex.”
You Don’t Need to Have a Sex Issue to Go to Sex Therapy.
Just like with regular therapy, you don’t need to have experienced trauma or be dealing with sexual dysfunction to go. It’s fine if you’re just curious about pleasure (or pain) and you’d like someone to speak with. “If you have a body, you can come to sex therapy and find something to explore,” Acker says.
But whether you go alone or with a partner, make sure you’re fully committed to the practice—especially if you’re targeting something specific. “This requires motivation to find insights to your issues and working with the tools your therapist suggests to make the changes you need,” Skyler explains.
Have Patience and Be Kind to Yourself.
Remember that this process can be trying—but worth it! “I know it’s really cheesy, but sex therapy changes people’s lives,” Acker says, especially since intimacy and sexuality can be such a taboo subject for many. Get inspired to make changes, but know that it can still take time to see transformations take place. Don’t rush yourself through this! The end result will be worth it—trust.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!