Month: August 2021

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Why does sex hurt?

14 common reasons why intercourse is painful, plus how to prevent it

By Ally Head

So, why does sex hurt? Good question – and, sadly, not one that there’s a straightforward answer too.

Getting intimate and then feeling a stabbing, burning or, well, any kind of pain down there can be a bit of a mood killer, can’t it? Not to mention a worry.

Sex can hurt for a number of reasons, from underlying infections to hidden health conditions. That highlighted, it’s definitely better to deal with it sooner rather than later – no point gritting your teeth and hoping it will go away.

Known medically as dyspareunia, as obstetrician, gynaecologist and ambassador for Wellbeing Sisters doctor Larisa Corda explains, painful sex affects one in ten British women, as per an International Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology study.

And, according to doctor Shree Datta, gynaecologist for intimate wellbeing brand INTIMINA, there are two main types. Superficial dyspareunia – pain at the entrance to the vagina or within it at the point of penetration – or deep dyspareunia – which occurs deep in the pelvis. “Remember that pain can range from a mild irritation to debilitating pain, meaning sex can’t be tolerated, and it may be temporary, intermittent or a long term problem,” she explains.

Both female experts stress that it’s important to discover it sooner rather than later why you may be suffering from pain during sex. Keep reading to decode why does sex hurt, once and for all.

1. Too little lubrication

FYI, one of the most common reasons you’re having to Google, ‘why does sex hurt?’, is because you have too little vaginal lubrication during sex. This is totally normal – a lot of women experience vaginal dryness.

Your vagina lacking moisture can be down to the amount of foreplay before penetration, or even a lack of hormones such as oestrogen around the time of menopause, explains Datta. “If you suffer from medical conditions such as diabetes or depression, this can also affect your sexual libido and enjoyment,” she shares.

Bottom line: many women simply do not produce enough vaginal lubrication, including younger women, adds Samantha Evans, sexual health expert, former nurse and co founder of luxury sex toy retailer Jo Divine.

Try this: Rather than keep Googling why does sex hurt, Evans shares that the use of lubricants can really help. Often GPs will prescribe a hormonal cream or pessary, but many gynaecologists advocate using vaginal lubricants to help nourish the delicate tissues of the vagina. Read out guide to the best lubes to buy over the counter, while you’re here.

2. You may be suffering from a skin condition

Did you know? Underlying skin conditions can actually cause irritation during sex, and condoms may also cause discomfort or burning, particularly if you have an allergy, explains Datta. If your vagina burns after sex, you may have eczema and other genital skin conditions, such as lichen sclerosis.

Try this: Make sure you visit your GP to get your skin condition defined, if you think you may be suffering. From there, they can help you decide the best course of action, explains Corda.

3. You may have vaginismus

Ever heard of vaginismus? If you haven’t, it’s the tightening of your vaginal muscles automatically at the time of penetration, explains Datta. But why does this happen? “It can be caused by a combination of physical and psychological issues,” explains Corda. “Physical causes can include urinary tract infections, sexually transmitted diseases, vulvodynia, skin conditions such as psoriasis or eczema, menopause, and birth trauma.”

Psychological problems, on the other hand, can be caused by emotional or sexual trauma. “A previous painful experience with sex might make it harder to feel aroused and enjoy touch,” explains a spokesperson from Brook Advisory. “It can also make the muscles around the vagina and anus clench (to protect you from the pain you’re worried about) and make penetration difficult and more painful.”

Try this: With the appropriate medical intervention and counselling, the experts share that the problem can be alleviated to enable penetrative sex. Treatment usually involves specialist counselling, pelvic floor exercises, biofeedback training with a women’s health physiotherapist and use of medical dilators or a vibrator or dildo to slowly encourage the vagina to relax and open.

4. You may have an STD

Pain during or after sex can also be a sign of a sexually transmitted disease (STI) or vaginal infection, like a urinary tract infection like cystitis.

“Stinging or burning during sex may be as a result of a sexually transmitted infection, especially if you also experience an unusual vaginal discharge, or an unusual odour,” says Professor Ellis Downes, consultant obstetrician and gynaecologist and spokesperson for vSculpt. “If you have a new sexual partner and have had unprotected sex with him, and are experiencing these symptoms it would be a good idea to have it diagnosed and treated by your GP or at a sexual health clinic.”

Try this: STIs such as Chlamydia or gonorrhoea can have little to no symptoms but vaginal itching or burning, as well as painful sex, might be a sign that you are infected. Visit your GP or GUM clinic for a test. Treatments usually involve antibiotics but your doctor can recommend the next course of action.

5. You might have thrush

Three out of four women will suffer with thrush at some point in their lives, although it’s other infections, such as bacterial vaginosis. As above, UTI’s are also a common reason as to why sex is likely to hurt. Vaginal thrush, in particular, is a common yeast infection, and the main symptoms include painful sex, itching, soreness, stinging, burning when peeing and an odourless discharge.

Try this: You can pick up a DIY test in most pharmacies to determine whether you have thrush or BV, and your pharmacist will be able to recommend the best course of action. It’s usually treated with anti-fungal cream, pessaries, pills or a combination.

6. You could be going through the menopause

According to Corda, during the menopause, women experience a reduction in sex hormones which can lead to both vaginal dryness and sexual pain.

Do note here: Don’t feel embarrassed about this or suffer in silence – as Datta points out, lots of people experience sexual problems at different stages of life. “There is a lot of help out there, so there is no need to deal with this difficulty alone,” she shares. Do book an appointment with your GP if you think your painful sex may be because of menopausal symptoms.

7. Your vagina may be irritated

You’ll likely know that genital irritation can be caused by spermicides, latex or vaginal douching. Some women are allergic to certain products or even their partner’s sperm. Latex products, such as condoms or sex toys, can also cause an allergic reaction, so if you’ve ever experienced an itching or burning sensation when trying new products, then you might’ve had an irritation or allergic reaction which can, in turn, lead to painful sex.

Try this: do be aware of what you are applying to the delicate skin of your genitals. Glycerin – which is often found in flavoured lubes – as well as parabens and aspartame, can cause irritation. Similarly, alkali or acidic lubes can mess with the pH balance of your vagina and cause dryness and itching. Instead, switch to a water-based (not silicon-based) lube, such as Pjur. Another alternative is Sliquid, which is also glycerin- and paraben-free.

Similarly, opt for latex-free condoms and, when using a sex toy, make sure you clean if after use (read how to clean your sex toys, here), recommends Downes. “Some cleaning substances can irritate the vaginal lining, though, so do note that it’s best just to use hot water and natural soap.”

8. You may just not be aroused

“If you’re not physically aroused, touch of any kind can be uncomfortable, especially if it’s somewhere sensitive, like your clitoris or the tip of your penis,” says a spokesperson from the Brook Advisory Clinic. “Being well-lubricated, relaxed and with lots of blood flow in the area (you want either an erect penis or a vulva swell) helps with this, so put plenty of focus on foreplay,” they recommend.

FYI, women especially need warming up before penetrative sex, both physically and emotionally. “If you’re not feeling turned on – that is, if you’re not mentally aroused – touch can be unpleasant. For example, being tickled when you’re feeling playful and silly is usually more fun than when you’re tired or angry,” adds the Brook spokesperson.

Try this: The sexpert suggests spending time enjoying foreplay to significantly improve your sexual pleasure. “There may be times when penetrative sex is not possible, but you can still have great sex without intercourse,” they share.

Corda also adds that, if you’re worried about your lack of libido, counselling could be key to treating these factors and reviving the pain associated with sex. But in the first instance, it’s important to see your doctor to rule out medical causes first and provide the correct treatment.

9. You may be injured

Did you know? “Painful sex can be a sign of damage from previous sex, such as tearing or soreness,” explains a spokesperson from the Brook Advisory Clinic.

Think about it – you wouldn’t go running if you’d twisted your ankle, so try not to have sex super quickly after a particularly enthusiastic session, as it may have resulted in friction that has left you sore.

10. He may be too big

“Even if you’re well lubricated and fully aroused, you may experience pain if a man inserts his penis too quickly or deeply,” says Evans. “The vagina relaxes as you warm up to having sex, and will open more comfortably if the penis enters slowly. Guiding your partner in at your own pace can really help avoid any pain.”

Try this: She explains that often, having sex doggy style can be painful, so try backing onto the penis at your own pace. The same can be said when going on top. Don’t let your partner to pull you down onto their penis if you suffer from painful sex: instead, she recommends slowly lower yourself, controlling the speed and depth of insertion that is comfortable. Got it?

11. You may have a female health condition like endometriosis

Painful sex is a common symptom for women with endometriosis symptoms, which affect two million women in the UK, making many avoid sex altogether. Up to 50% of women with endometriosis have cited painful intercourse, ranging from sharp, stabbing, needle-like pain to a deep ache. It can feel mild to intense, either during sexual intercourse or up to 24 to 48 hours post-coitally, or both.

As well as endometriosis (when the lining of the uterus grows outside the uterus or is thicker than normal), painful sex can also be caused by fibroids (growths of muscle and tissue inside the uterus) growing close to your vagina or cervix, irritable bowel syndrome and constipation.

Try this: Endometriosis – and its flare ups – are unpredictable, so often it feels like there’s no knowing when they may occur. Some women experience pain throughout the month whereas others only experience it at certain times, likely – but not definitely – related to their menstrual cycle. There is no cure for endometriosis but there are treatments that can help with the pain – do visit your doctor if you fear you may have it.

12. If you’ve just given birth, your vagina may be recovering

Wondering why does sex hurt after just giving birth? FYI, giving birth is a beautiful and emotional thing – but also an emotional and physical challenge, too, and you’ll need to take time to recover afterwards. “Childbirth is a formative experience for any woman, and for some it can be traumatic,” says Dr Becky Spelman, psychologist and We-Vibe‘s relationship expert. “Insensitive care practitioners or a difficult or dangerous birth can give rise to a heightened fear of birth, pregnancy, and even sexuality itself. Women who have experienced a traumatic birth often struggle to re-engage with their sexual selves, even when they have recovered physically, and can experience pain with no obvious physical cause,” she explains.

So why exactly is sex painful after giving birth? A number of reasons, from bruising to the vaginal wall is a common reason, explains Downes. “You may also have experienced a tear which will need time to heal completely before you have sex again – doctors recommend at least six weeks but it often takes longer,” she shares.

Why is sex painful? Woman with Legs Raised wearing white shorts lying on bed

13. Your relationship might be under strain

Arguing a lot or working through a stressful patch in your relationship? Ill feeling can actually totally cause painful sex, FYI – it’s a vicious cycle.

“Experiencing emotional pain as a result of conflict within your relationship could lead to painful sex,” says Evans. “Many couples go through an emotional disconnect if one of them is unable to have sex, which in turn can increase the pain levels, thus creating a vicious circle.”

Try this: The sexpert advises that consulting a couples’ counsellor or sex therapist may help – and remember, you are not alone.

14. You could have a hidden health condition

Often painful sex is a sign of a more unusual, difficult to diagnose health issue, explains Evans. Some of the lesser known conditions that could be causing you discomfort during sex include:

  • Lichen Schlerosus – a common condition generally affecting postmenopausal women thought to be linked to an overactive immune system.
  • Vestibulodynia – a condition that makes you feel a burning pain thought to affect 12-15% of women.
  • Vulvodynia – spontaneous burning without an itching sensation.

If you’re worried you have any of the above, do see a doctor.

Is painful sex normal?

Now you’ve read the expert answer to why does sex hurt, we’re sure you’re keen to know if pain during intercourse is actually common. Short answer: yes, but it’s important to see your doctor if sex is painful repeatedly. “It can stop you from enjoying sex or lead to you avoiding sex altogether,” shares Datta – which is not good.

“This can be isolating, affect your mood and cause distress,” she shares. “It could also cause problems in your relationship over time. You may be referred to see a Gynaecologist and we may need to examine and exclude both physical and psychological problems.

Bottom line: pain during sex can be down to a number of different causes. “That’s why sometimes a multi-disciplinary approach is needed to reach an adequate diagnosis and to offer appropriate support,” explains Corda. “This may include psychologists, urologists, gynaecologists, and even dermatologists.”

They’ll be able to allow you to explore the various issues affecting your ability to have or enjoy sex, and your relationship with your partner.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What do you do when your partner has a kink and you don’t?

Kinks are highly subjective and personal

By

We all have fetishes in some form.

Though you may not like to admit it, those chips you dip into your ice cream every Friday night could fall into that category.

They are the quirks and idiosyncrasies which form part of daily existence for many people. Most we turn a blind eye to and forget in a breath, but some can seem atypical, especially in the bedroom.

Kinks, as they are otherwise known, are a normal part of sexual desire. From BDSM to roleplay, exploring these fantasies can be healthy and allow you to define what you crave and don’t.

However, they are extremely personal and intimate. Subjective to the person, not every individual will fancy the same. Others simply don’t like kinks and would rather avoid them.

Each opinion is valid in the sexual realm but what happens when two opposing views come together?

If your partner has a fetish and you don’t, how do you navigate the bedroom?

Trust and and communication are central to a conflict-free solution.

‘It is ok for you to say this is something you are uncomfortable with and I would suggest you put some specific time aside to mention it if it is that significant to them and your sex life,’ relationship coach John Kenny tells Metro.co.uk

‘Tell them that although you appreciate this is something they are into and enjoy, it isn’t something you wish to participate in and hopefully they will respect you enough to accept that.’

Should one feel bad or strange about not liking kinks?

‘No, it isn’t bad,’ John says. ‘We all have our own reasons for enjoying the sexual activities we do.

‘Sometimes kinks come from a traumatic space, unhealthy attachment or a negative relationship with sex. Some are just ways of creating extra sexual excitement and a bigger hormonal or emotional rush. 

‘Some people just enjoy conventional sex and it is enough to satisfy them.’

If you worry your aversion will damage the relationship, John says to question this. Relationships aren’t built on sex alone and mutual respect is more important.

Communication is important

‘A sexual kink isn’t something that should be able to cause a significant issue,’ he explains. ‘If it does – especially for it to be a relationship-ending thing – then the person who puts this importance on it has an unresolved issue. Be mindful of manipulating techniques here in order to get you to conform.’

In contrast, Dr Laura Vowels, principal researcher and therapist at sex therapy app Blueheart, believes that kinks are important – and if yours don’t match up with a partner, it’s okay to decide that this is a dealbreaker.

She says: ‘It is possible that two people’s sexual preferences are so different that they won’t be able to meet each other’s sexual needs and there are times when people prefer to split up and be with different people who are a closer match to their desire.’

However, she notes discussing sexual desire as a whole is extremely beneficial to a relationship.

‘How you negotiate your interests is what matters,’ Laura explains. ‘Most of the time couples can find a way to meet somewhere in the middle as they explore what it is about a specific preference that’s really important to each person.

‘Sexual desire and preferences aren’t static but change and evolve over time. Therefore, you may find that your preferences aligned more initially but become more different as the relationship progresses, or vice versa.’

Dr Vowels adds that exploring kinks can be a liberating experience and if you feel it could be a possibility, take baby steps.

‘You can explore each other’s sexual preferences and boundaries in a safe and loving relationship,’ she says. ‘As a society, we’re not terribly good at talking about sex and there is still a lot of stigmas associated with anything other than a missionary position.

‘However, there’s a world of sexuality out there to explore and open yourself up to. Sometimes people find therapy really helpful and sometimes a patient, loving and respectful partner can help you feel safe enough to open up.’

Yet, she advises to stay within your boundaries and what feels comfortable. Going too fast may hinder you.

‘Experimenting doesn’t mean you will be open to trying everything or that you should try all things,’ she explains. ‘But slowly testing your boundaries to discover new experiences that you may find pleasurable can be really good for you both.

‘Make sure there’s trust, consent and mutual respect and go from there.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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People are “gobsmacked” at an advert that alludes to a woman masturbating

– but why?

By Catriona Harvey-Jenner

When a Body Shop advert for self-love hit screens this week, the response said a lot about the way society views women.

“Go and grab the most phallic object you can find!” yelled the Maid of Honour on my laptop screen. It was the first lockdown, I was on a virtual hen do, and we were indulging in some organised fun. The game required us to run around our houses, bringing back various items of hilarity as quickly as we could – points were awarded for both speed and comic effect. Naturally competitive, I sprinted towards what I was certain would be the winning object. Long, thick, and rounded at the top: my Le Creuset pepper grinder.

But as I proudly waved my ceramic kitchen apparatus in front of my webcam, my eyes landed on what one of the other hens had presented: a Rampant Rabbit. In an instant, I felt the warmth of colour flushing my cheeks. Not sure I’d have been that brave, I considered. But almost as quickly as the thought arrived, I pushed it away. Why shouldn’t she acknowledge the existence of a sex toy in a safe space; among a group of like-minded women? Or for that matter, in any domain she felt comfortable bringing it up?

Because here’s the thing: society would have it that women’s sexuality is not to be discussed in a public forum. Men, on the other hand? No problem. It’s a double standard that has only been further reinforced following the reaction to the release of The Body Shop’s new ‘Self Love’ advert. Broadcast for the first time this week during a Love Island commercial break, it quite clearly alludes to a woman about to masturbate.

The 30-second ad introduces viewers to three housemates: Fran, Leila and Olivia. It follows them as they encounter various different insecurities triggered by the demands of modern day life; being trolled online, having low self-esteem, struggling to find anyone decent on a dating app. Then, it shows the different ways in which they overcome these low moments – by making themselves feel good with acts of self-love. For one of the women in the advert, that act is self-pleasure, and we see her close the curtains before reaching down into her underwear.

Sure, it’s perhaps not something you’d expect to see just before the 6 o’clock news (and it’s not broadcast at that time for exactly that reason). But it equally didn’t warrant the shock reaction from some viewers that it received. The words “gobsmacked” and “weird” were thrown around Twitter in response, with one person even describing it as “obscene.” But doesn’t it say more about our own stigma around women’s sexuality than anything else, if we can’t abide the thought of a woman exploring her own body for pleasure? No explicit or graphic scenes were shown, yet it was still described as “risky” and “sick” by commentators on social media.

We’re not used to hearing women talk openly about orgasms. Perhaps it’s rooted in the fact that, in centuries gone by, masturbation was deemed a moral sin by various different religions. But shame and resulting silence on the topic has continued to feed the cycle into our modern world, meaning other women don’t feel able to volunteer information about their own sexual experiences either. Conversely, it wouldn’t be unusual to hear a man down the pub describe in great, light-hearted detail, the story of his first wank.

“For decades we’ve seen and accepted men as the more sexual of the gender,” says therapist and principle researcher at sex therapy app Blueheart, Dr Laura Vowels. “There’s this ongoing narrative in society that men are constantly in the mood for sex and that generally, they have a higher sexual appetite than women. Whereas women who watch porn have often been criticised and labelled as ‘anti-feminists’ as well as being called a whole host of other misogynistic names.”

“More women in the UK own a vibrator than a dishwasher”

“The issue here is that these outdated beliefs that men are more sexual and women should be ‘virginal’ and ‘pure’ are so ingrained in society that it will take a long time to shift them,” Dr Vowels explains.

The fact is, women masturbate. There are more women in the UK who own a vibrator than a dishwasher, and what’s more, it’s good for you. It’s been recommended as a way for people to familiarise themselves with their body and their own sexual responses, and it’s also used as a treatment for premature ejaculation and orgasmic disorders in women.

So if it’s happening, and if doing it is only going to provide greater good, then what’s the issue with talking about it? Especially when maintaining a veil of silence over the issue may be doing active harm. “Maintaining female sexuality as a taboo topic continues to feed into patriarchal perspectives that female pleasure isn’t important,” says Dr Vowels. “It’s time to level the playing field and grant women the opportunity to empower themselves and their sexuality.”

What we don’t see, we don’t always feel comfortable with – but that doesn’t mean we should all stay in our sheltered boxes forever. Just like Bodyform in 2017, who showed period blood on screen for the first time ever, adverts like this from The Body Shop take strides in normalising something that simply shouldn’t be taboo. They start conversations, and conversations lead to progression. So let’s keep progressing.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How To Practice ‘Sexual Framing’ To Get in the Mood Using Just Your Mind

By Erica Sloan

Having an orgasm is inherently physical in nature, but the mind also plays a profound role in the event. In fact, there’s an entire facet of the experience that happens within a region of the brain called the genital sensory cortex (aka brain crotch), which you can activate with focused mindfulness. Way before you reach orgasm, though, your mental state plays a critical role in the lead-up to sex that involves getting turned on. To zero in on that arousal-boosting mindset, you might consider tapping the psychological concept of framing.

“Framing is all about context or how something is portrayed or presented,” says neuroscientist and sex therapist Nan Wise, PhD.  Typically, this concept is applied to gambling and the frames of mind that make us more or less likely to be risk-averse or risk-cautious. The probability and even the outcome of a situation could be the same in multiple frames, but depending on the way your brain perceives the situation at its onset—that is, the particular frame that’s used—you could act differently.

When applied to a sexual scenario, framing can set you up for arousal by shifting your mind toward a positive outcome to follow. To practice it, though, you’ll need to first address your current frame of mind (whether that’s stressed-out, anxious, or perfectly calm), as well as how you frame sexuality on the whole.

“We’re all conditioned to view our sexuality in different ways based on the set of sexual experiences we’ve had, as well as the cultural, religious, and media messaging around sex,” says Dr. Wise. “So, your first step is to recognize how exactly you’ve internalized all of that in terms of your sexual approach.” Next, shift your mindset into a conducive-for-sex zone, with the help Dr. Wise’s top brain-focused tips, outlined below.

4 ways to use positive sexual framing for arousal, according to a neuroscientist:

1. Visualize sex as an embodied experience.

Think about sex as utterly sensational—in the most literal sense, as satisfying and enjoyable sensations within your body. “We’re so relational in the world, thinking about how we appear to others and how we can take care of other people,” says Dr. Wise. “But in terms of sex, it’s helpful to view it from the outside in.”

To do that, tune into your body before you dive into any kind of sexual act, and do a quick scan. Ask yourself: What’s happening in my body right now? What feels good and what doesn’t? This type of check-in can allow you to be more physically present in the space—and in turn, help you tune into the physicality of a sexual partner, too (if you’re participating in partnered play, that is).

2. Listen to audio erotica.

While visual porn can certainly move you into a sexual mindset, audio erotica is likewise able to facilitate this, but without shifting you out of your own physical space. Essentially, without viewing other people performing sex acts in distant settings, you may be better able to stay focused on your own body and presence. But at the same time, the sex-based language of audio erotica can create an arousing, sex-positive springboard from which your mind can naturally jump to sexual fantasies of your own.

3. Practice body-focused affirmations.

The words we say to ourselves are powerful when it comes to sexual framing, and centering those words on the bodily experience of sex—as opposed to results, outcomes, or the potential perceptions of others—can help return your mind to the physical sensations at hand.

For example, if you’re engaging in foreplay, recognize and identify what you’re feeling and what you enjoy, making a mental (or, heck, verbal) statement of it. Some examples include: “I love how I feel strong or flexible,” or “I like how this part of my body feels,” or “I love what my body can do for me.”

4. Use language that mirrors your—or your partner’s—‘erotic footprint.’

There are tons of different ways to get turned on, and some will resonate more for you than others. If you consider the general pattern or trend of actions that turn you on—what Dr. Wise calls your “erotic footprint”—you can more easily access language that’ll be effective for sexual framing. And this applies to a partner, as well, if you’re aiming to gently shift their frame of mind toward sex, too.

“Speaking a partner’s language can help you both get aroused,” says Dr. Wise. “For example, if they appreciate sentimentality and soulfulness, you could say, ‘I love to gaze into your eyes,’ or if they’re excited by adventure, maybe it’s something like, ‘What are your fantasies? I want to explore those with you.’” What’s more, these statements can help you feel more intimately connected to a partner from the jump—which is a sexual frame of mind, in and of itself.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to talk to your partner about your fetish

FYI, studies have found that being able to communicate your sexual preferences can lead to better sex.

By Ally Head

Knowing how to talk about your fetish can feel tricky at the best of times. When’s the right moment to bring it up? How much detail do you go into? And how do you navigate if your partner isn’t into the same kinks as you?

If you’re on the fence about bringing it up at all, this may convince you. FYI, sexual fulfilment is actually really good for you – one PLoS One study found that, of all the things that impact sexual satisfaction, being open and honest with your partner about your sexual wishes is key.

“Kinky have been found to be mentally healthier than the general population,” shares sexpert Kate Sloan, author of 101 Kinky Things Even You Can Do.

“Some experts think this is because kinky people have to communicate more than vanilla people if they want sexually satisfying relationships. Better communication improves relationship health, sexual satisfaction, and mental health, too.”

We bought you the best sex apps, dating sites and sex positions; condoms, lube and sex toys. For an expert run-down of what a fetish is, how to identify one, and how to broach the subject with your partner, keep scrolling.

What is a fetish?

A fetish is a non-standard sexual interest, explains Sloan. There are many different types of fetish, and fetishes can have different focuses – for example:

  • A body part (e.g. feet, armpits)
  • An object (e.g. corsets, gloves)
  • An activity (e.g. spanking, bondage).

“Some people’s fetish might be their entire sexuality, effectively playing the same role in their life that ‘vanilla’ (non-kinky) sex does for people who lack any fetishes,” she continues. “However, for others, a fetish is just a special interest that they partake in some of the time.”

How do you identify if you have a fetish?

You would likely know if you had a fetish, shares the sexpert. “In many cases, it makes itself fairly obvious fairly early,” she says. “My spouse has an erotic hypnosis fetish, for example, and first noticed it when they were a kid and would feel deeply captivated and – yes, turned on – by scenes featuring hypnosis in movies like The Jungle Book.”

A ‘kink’, on the other hand, is usually considered to be a milder version of a fetish. “Think of a non-standard sexual interest that isn’t as pivotal to your sexuality as a fetish might be,” Sloan shares. FYI, kinks can be harder to identify.

Try this: if you find yourself feeling consistently drawn to particular kinky themes, perhaps in the porn you watch or the erotica you read, it could be worth doing some soul-searching. “Try and figure out whether your interest in that kink is just theoretical or if it’s something you actually want to try,” she explains.

Why might the notion of ‘coming out’ to a partner about a fetish be scary?

Feeling a little anxious about discussing your fetish with your partner? That’s actually pretty normal.

“Some people are put off by fetishes,” Sloan expands. She reassures that a partner who cares about your pleasure and happiness will hopefully be able to see your fetish the way you do: as a creative, fulfilling, and fun potential component of your sex life together.

How to talk to a partner about a fetish: 5 tips 

Keen to learn the best practice for disclosing your secret kinks? Keep scrolling.

1. Stay positives

Remember for the most part that kinks and fetishes are meant to be fun and pleasurable – so should be spoken about in the same way.

“When bringing it up, focus on explaining what turns you on about it and what you think you’d find hot about it if the two of you tried it together,” she recommends. Why not start the conversation by asking, ‘You know what would really turn me on?’ or ‘You know what I’ve been fantasising about a lot lately?’.

2. Use media references

That way, your partner will have more contextual reference points. If you want to ask your partner to spank you, for example, you could say:

‘There was a jiggle balls scene in the Fifty Shades of Grey movie that I thought was hot. Have you ever used something like that?’

“This might make bringing it up easier and less scary,” says Sloan.

3. Offer resources to your partner

Again, this is another easy way to help them understand. “You could show them a fetish book, like 101 Kinky Things Even You Can Do, or you could look up videos together on a site like Kink Academy that show what you’re interested in doing,” Sloan explains.

FYI, many people get nervous about their partners’ kinks because they don’t know what they’re actually expected to do in order to fulfil those fantasies. “Showing them what you find hot can be helpful,” Sloan highlights.

4. Take it slow

Remember that, no matter how long you’ve fantasised about it, that it’s still new territory for both of you. “Don’t expect your partner to be some kind of kinky robot, fulfilling your exact fantasy in the exact way you imagined,” recommends the sexpert.

Also remember that they’re a human being, not an actor for you to cast in your pre-existing erotic fantasy.

Try this: ask them what they find hot about your kink or fetish, if anything – or at least, which components of it seem less scary and intimidating to them. “You may have envisioned your partner playing the role of a strict disciplinarian, but maybe all they can muster at first is some mild bossiness – and that’s okay,” Sloan says. “Try not to rush them.”

5. Roleplay can be a good way in

Sloan points out that it’s often easier to handle sexual uncertainty if you’re playing a character. “Maybe you and your partner aren’t confident enough yet to do a full-on bondage and tickling scene. Why not do one while pretending to be a supervillain and superhero, or a drill sergeant and a new recruit, or a dominatrix and her client?” suggests Sloan.

“This can be an imaginative and low-pressure way to wade into a new kink together.”

Good fetish resources

Want to read up a little before you talk to your partner, or simple keen to explore more? The following resources might help.

  • 101 Kinky Things Even You Can Do, Sloan’s book, contains much more information about kinks, fetishes, and introducing them into your sex life, whether you have a partner or are single.
  • Kink Academy is a great website on which many esteemed sex and kink educators have posted videos of themselves explaining (and often, demonstrating) various kinks and fetishes.
  • Sex writer Violet Blue has released a number of books relevant to this topic, including The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy and Fetish Sex. Tristan Taormino’s The Ultimate Guide to Kink is also excellent.
  • Kink podcasts such as The Dildorks, which Sloan cohosts, Off the Cuffs, and Why Are People Into That? are easy-to-digest accessible resources for kink newbies.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is it time to explore the benefits of sex journalling?

By Lucy Tomeka

For quite the conservative society that we live in, allow me to be a little unconventional and ask; why is sex talk such a taboo? Even amongst married couples and those in long-term relationships, this tends to be a hush-hush conversation, only to be held in certain confinements.

I recently watched a hit series on Netflix called Sex Life and boy did that get me thinking. And before you label me naughty and whatever else prejudicial judgement popped up, I simply mean it gave me an idea that may help us and those coming after us get out of the funk we at times find ourselves in, especially long-term partners.

This part of our lives that we’d rather blissfully not talk about is one that causes way too many rifts so it then hit me, why not do what I do best when I can’t talk? Why not write down your thoughts? We have all gone through the journalling phase as we grew up.

However, much like those very personal inputs you guarded with your life back then, why not try a sex journal in your adulthood?

What is a sex journal you ask?

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Sex journalling is just that: journalling with a focus on your sex life, your sexuality, and whatever else that means to you. There are no rules while doing it and you get to decide the tone, what to track and when, with whom to share it with, and ultimately, how to integrate your findings into your sex life.

We may want to have all the control over many things including our sex life, but like many things in life, our pleasure will rise and fall according to what nature dictates. Some days you are on cloud erotica, while on other days your body simply refuses to cooperate.

If you’re open to the process, a sex journal can help you reflect on your experiences, desires, and fantasies. That way, you know exactly what tickles your fancy. “I would keep one because I’d like to refer to it when I want to spice things up and also because it sounds like something I would enjoy doing,” says Nikki Kassim, a local businesswoman.

A safe space

I bet you thought I would get into the ins and out of sex but I would much rather explore the benefits and ways of creating a safe, secure and comfortable environment for you and your spouse or partner and maybe just for yourself, to understand yourselves better.

This could range from anything about preferences, places, fantasies, no-go areas, vulnerabilities, and any other thing that makes you tick.

It is not purely negative or positive that you only put in the best and worst experiences; rather it is your safe place to put down all that concerns your body and mind.

For example, women are in large ruled by hormones throughout the month. We have high and happy days, cool, calm and collected days and we have days that even the devil himself wouldn’t try us. Based on my little yet ever-evolving understanding of the female species, I have come to appreciate just how helpful a sex journal would be.

“Sex communication affects individuals in both positive and negative depending with their personalities and orientations,” explains Mr Justus August, an Applied Psychologist for Hatua Therapies & Consultancy in Tanzania.

“For introverted individuals, they tend to find it difficult to communicate their desires or dislikes about sex openly and as a result when forced or ought to communicate, this lowers their self-esteem which will directly affect their feelings when it comes to sex,” he says.

“For extroverted individuals it is likely to affect them positively if they have extroverted partners. A sex journal may prove beneficial to some people but this is subject to culture as sex is to some extent guided by cultural principles.”

Deep seated conditioning

Opening up to having a conversation about sex leaves one feeling vulnerable and exposed. This I attribute largely to the deep seated cultural, traditional and religious conditioning.

For many, it is either religion guides you to do this and culture or tradition guides you to do that; but when it comes to not talking about sex, these factors somehow find symphony and merge into one guide.

Men, unlike women, rarely have the sex talk or at least to the degree that the girl child is taught. Women are taught in kitchen parties and have all sorts of racy conversations at saloons but men don’t have similar platforms.

“I think sex miscommunication affects individuals in a sense that most of them end up feeling trapped in a cave that they cannot get out of and for men it’s even worse and is one of the reasons that lead to infidelity and people deciding to try things out with partners outside of their relationships,” says Michael Baruti, host of Men, Men, Men, The Podcast.

“Since talking about sex is a taboo even in adult relationships, the failure to explore what you and partner both want just because you can’t communicate about it might be very detrimental for any relationship,” he adds.

Many of these relationships end up in a funk, stagnant with couples being sexually bored and some find alternative ways to deal with their boredom and dissatisfactory situations.

Journal your way into a sexscapade

In the Netflix series, Sex Life; the young wife and mother of two, finds herself sexually frustrated with a less than attentive husband. Even though her life is the stuff of jealousy and she has all the money, time and luxury she could want, she feels her life still lacks something.

She then begins to journal her past experiences and one day, after being so exhausted with mother duties, forgets to shut down her laptop as she went to put the baby down and fell asleep as well.

When she came downstairs in the morning, she was horrified to find that her husband had read her entries. He however surprised her and used it as a manual to better their sex life.

The beauty about this series was that it is based on the true story and events of author B.B. Easton in her memoir, ‘44 Chapters About 4 Men.’

There are plenty of benefits from owning a sex journal. Some may be long-term, short-term while others are mutually beneficial for both you and your partner.

You learn more about your sex drive

By tracking your sex life, you can be able to see the patterns that influence your decisions in the bedroom.

A sex journal can help you process your experiences

Very few of us spend hours us thinking about our sexuality and what we enjoy. True, lots of people spend hours fantasizing, but most of us don’t think about our sex lives in non-sexual, introspective ways. Having a sex journal gives you that push.

When you write these things down, you can contextualise emotions and put things into perspectives.

Sex journalling might make it easier to communicate with your partner

Many women are coy on sex matters if the tens of posts I have come across on various social media platforms are anything to go by. You are thinking, “If I tell him that I don’t like it this way, it may cause a rift between us.” For peace to reign, you play the pretence card.

By keeping a sex journal, like our lead from Sex Life, you leave a subtle invitation to your partner to learn more about you and your body. For openness, it is best that both of you keep the journal and exchange notes. That way, it is a win-win situation.

A sex journal prompts you to think of new things

You review your journal, but then you note that in many entries the pattern is leaning in one direction. Boring, right? A sex journal is your rescue. Because by noting the patterns, you can spice things.

Mental clarity

Now more than ever, at the advice of counselors and therapists, many individuals are warming back to journalling.

Journalling for some, myself included, has been stress relieving and helps put down things and thoughts that you may otherwise forget. This will help you keep track all toxic traits and other behaviours you may want to change and may also give you something positive to look back on and pat yourself on the back for in terms of growth and advancement.

Those mental health benefits go far beyond your brain. Studies show that reducing intrusive thoughts, ditching toxic, self-deprecating habits, and controlling stress can all improve your libido and help you connect deeper with your partner.

Helps you track traits

Moreover, journalling can help you become more self-aware and pinpoint unhealthy patterns that may be negatively impacting your sex life, such as the partners you’re choosing, the boundaries you’re setting or lack thereof, insecurities you might have, and so on.

If you have a tendency to project past insecurities onto new people, a sex journal will definitely help you pinpoint these weak spots and that state of vulnerability just might be the turn the page you so desperately need to break out of that cycle.

Wondering where to start?

Incase by now you have decided to give this absolutely crazy idea a chance but you are still unsure of how to go about it, here are a few questions that could guide you;

• How was your last sexual experience? How was it different from your first experience?

• What were you taught about sex as you grew up? What did you not know that you feel you needed to know?

• What are your arousal levels during different times of your menstrual cycle?

• What are your arousal levels compared to your stress levels and mental health?

• How present did you feel in your body?

• Were there any emotional or physical blocks that you noticed? How deeply are they connected to your upbringing?

• What acts are you currently curious or fantasizing about?

• What struggles have you had with your sexuality?

As era evolves into the next era, there are lessons we need to be adept at teaching our young ones because burying our heads in the sand simply means that the world will do the teaching for us and if our experiences are anything to go by, the world isn’t such a kind teacher.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why I Refuse to Label My Sexuality

For some people, sexuality labels are grounding and empowering. For others (ahem, me), choosing one feels downright impossible.

By Amanda Chatel

I love labels. One look at my closet, especially my ever-growing designer shoe collection, is proof that labels are something I’m very much into — as superficial as that may sound. Maybe there’s a shoe out there for a quarter of the price of a Christian Louboutin flat, but at the end of the day, it’s not the same. So, I’m going for the Louboutin. What can I say? I love those red bottoms and people knowing that I’m rocking the brand. Again, I know this is superficial and shallow. We can blame the Libra in me.

But while I love the labels on my clothes and on my shoes, I don’t them on me. I know that as a cisgender, white woman (and Libra!), these are labels I can’t escape; they’re facts about me that, upon meeting me for the first time, are pretty evident. What’s not so clear, however, is my sexuality.

I have often asked myself, “Where am I on the spectrum?” I don’t feel comfortable calling myself “gay,” because that’s not completely accurate. I’m realizing, as I get older, the straight label I hid behind for the first half of my life doesn’t really fit anymore, either. As for being bi, I’m overcome with imposter syndrome, wondering if I’m “bi enough” to declare myself as such, especially as I see bisexuals being questioned for their sexuality, both in the straight and queer communities. I find this mostly is the case for my bisexual male friends who, far too often, are the subject to the archaic adage that being bisexual is just a layover on the way to being gay. (See: Read This If You’ve Ever Worried That You’re “Not Queer Enough”)

Although the Kinsey Scale (published in 1948 by sexologist Alfred Kinsey, M.D.) is often cited as being outdated, it was on the right track. The scale is presented as a sort of graph, in which a zero (on the far left side) represents experiencing purely heterosexual attraction and a six (on the far right side) represents experiencing entirely homosexual attraction. It was created to account for research findings that showed people did not fit into exclusive heterosexual or homosexual categories. This scale acknowledged that bisexuality exists, and defined it as being “equally heterosexual and homosexual” at number three on the scale, with both numbers two and four making room for people’s ability to not be strictly 50/50 in their sexuality. In the study published with the scale, the researchers also wrote, “The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects.” This may have been Dr. Kinsey’s way of alluding to the fact that, yes, sexual fluidity is real.

Since high school, I’ve found myself attracted to both men and women. It was one woman in particular who, for the first time ever, made me question my sexuality. I was 16, she was 17, and the few times we interacted, I could feel every ounce of blood in my body rush to my face as I stumbled over my words to talk to her. She had the same effect on me as the boys I had crushes on back then. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to kiss her, sit next to her and watch movies for hours, or be the little spoon to her big spoon. I just knew I wanted to be near her.

I’ve only had “serious” relationships with men, and only few (like, four) at that. As for dates, flings, and one-night stands, they’ve included both men and women. While I sometimes find myself leaning toward men, sexually, I also find myself leaning toward women when it comes to seeking companionship and a loving, committed relationship. When I try to envision whom I’d ideally like to grow old with, I don’t picture a man or a woman. I picture a person. Someone who makes me laugh, someone who calls me out on my B.S. when necessary, and someone who’s willing to put up with my idiosyncrasies for the long haul. And, because I see a person, it makes me double down on wanting an unlabeled sexuality. Frankly, I just don’t see the point in picking something.

“Finding a label for yourself is an incredibly personal process, and honestly, some people are overwhelmed by it,” says sex educator Cassandra Corrado. “If you find a label that fits you perfectly now, that’s great! And if you prefer to stick with an unlabeled sexuality, that’s perfect, too. Labels can help us situate ourselves in the world and better understand ourselves. They’re the lens through which we understand ourselves, our relationships, and how we might engage with things like sexual expression and gender presentation. Some people are empowered by them, but others are overwhelmed.”

I feel like slapping a label on myself not only puts me in a box, narrowing things too much for who and what I am and what I desire.

I do find the idea of labeling my sexuality to be overwhelming. I’m fortunate enough to live in a time where there are so many labels to choose from, and I applaud anyone who has found a label that fits them and is happy with it. I also applaud anyone who has changed their label over time, because sexuality is so fluid, and sometimes what fits for one stage in life no longer fits for another stage. I believe that sexuality and who you’re attracted to evolves over time and slides up and down the continuum Dr. Kinsey mentioned in his work. I feel like slapping a label on myself not only puts me in a box, narrowing things too much for who and what I am and what I desire, but it also leads to stereotypes — especially when it comes to how straight men perceive bisexual women. (Far too many times straight men have asked me if I’m bi and when I say no, nine times out of 10 they’ve expressed disappointment that their fantasy of having a threesome has suddenly been taken from them. Honestly, I wonder how these types of straight guys would actually fare if they had the opportunity to be with two women, but that’s a whole other story.)

“People might opt to stay unlabeled for many reasons; they may not see themselves in the labels they know, they might feel like their desires and understanding of their identities are still in flux, or because stigma has pushed them away from the label that feels like the best fit,” says Corrado. “Others may find labels restrictive. Ultimately, the important thing is to let people define who they are for themselves — whether or not that involves a specific label.” (Related: It Took Me Until Age 32 to Live Fully As My Polyamorous, Bisexual Self — and I’m a Sex Therapist)

Maybe someday I’ll find a label that works for me, that encompasses everything I am into one word, but I doubt it. One word just doesn’t seem to cut it when it comes to my sexuality. To quote from Walt Whitman’s “Song of Myself,” whose own sexuality has been debated by historians:

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself;
(I am large, I contain multitides.)
— “Song of Myself” by Walt Whitman

I contain multitudes. Whether it’s my sexuality, my political affiliations, my atheism, or even my disdain for pineapple on pizza. I’m not one thing; I am many things. And, honestly, my (unlabeled) sexuality is far from the most intriguing thing about me, so why do I have to try and search for an apt label to define it? I don’t, so I won’t. I just know that when I fall in love again, it will be with the person, who they are, their passions, their ability to empathize, their sense of humor, how we make each other feel, and all that good stuff. It certainly won’t have anything to do with what they happen to have between their legs.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Better BDSM Negotiation For Sexier Play

By Sarah Sloane

In our culture, many of us have this fantasy — let’s call it “magical knowing” — that if our partner is really into us, they will magically be able to automatically know what we need, and what feels good for us, without us having to say it.

It permeates our culture; think about all of the movies where the protagonist says no but their (more dominant) partner somehow knows that they really mean yes, or the books where a first erotic encounter with a new person is filled with fireworks and mutual orgasms (yes, Harlequin Romance, I’m looking at you). This isn’t only bad news for new connections; it builds into ongoing relationships the idea that if our partner really loves us (or even just knows us well enough), they’ll be able to intuit what we want without us having to say a word.

Because what we do often involves physical or emotional risks, folks who participate in BDSM or kinky play preach against magical knowing. In fact, one of the first things that you’ll see BDSM educators (and sexuality educators of all kinds) talk about is the importance of negotiation. For kinksters, this includes communicating your needs, wants, and boundaries to a potential partner in order to create a mutually pleasurable scene (A scene, if you’re not familiar with kink jargon, is a term used for session & activities you plan to do together).

But for lots of novice kinky folks (as well as for some more experienced ones), the idea of scene negotiation can feel really unsexy. It can feel like an interruption in the flow: having to stop in the middle of a hot flirtation session to try to turn your rational brain back on and do some logic problems when all you want to do is Get It On.

And you know what? Yeah. It can definitely be unsexy, especially if you’re dealing with it in a clinical way, or if you were always taught that you should negotiate kink or sex as if you’re trying to figure out a pizza order for a group of 20.

The style of negotiation that relies on comprehensive tests taken and exchanged ahead of time, or approaches it checklist-style, may be an option for some — but it definitely misses the boat, and can in fact cause some bad assumptions to arise that end up making a date not so great.

But there’s hope! In between those two unhealthy (and unrealistic, in the case of magical knowing), polar opposites exists a glorious world where negotiation can not only help us avoid negative outcomes, but also make those mind-blowing experiences happen more consistently in our lives.

1. Negotiate A Connection

First, I invite you to consider that negotiation starts the moment that you start thinking about how you and your potential partner might want to connect. Do they have the kind of attitudes and perspectives that make you feel comfortable with them? Do they check in with you on what feels good for you? Honest, empowered negotiation starts with a sense of connection & trust in the other person, regardless of which side of the action you want to be on (or whether you even want to limit yourself to a single role). The more that we trust that our needs will be met and our boundaries will be respected, the more that we’re likely to be able to relax into the intimacy of the play space and deeply enjoy it.

Thinking about negotiation as a way of cultivating a connection runs counter to the more common “what’re you into?” conversation where one just starts to list off their interests in a way that can be so impersonal.

There is no reason that you need to have a checklist or take a BDSM quiz in order to be able to negotiate. For newer folks, it’s hard to have a sense of what we might like – and what we might not – when we may not have ever experienced it. And for more practiced folks, we may find that our “yes” is less about the activity itself than it is about the person’s skill set and passion. Now, some of us really love our checklists — I’m not here to yuck your yum, for sure, but the presence of a “yes” or “no” on a checklist misses nuances that might open up a world of pleasure for your playtime.

A great way to start the more “formal” part of negotiation is to think about what you know about the person and what turns you on about them. Is it their confidence? The way that their eyes flicker down when they talk about sex? Did you see them using a flogger, or respond to a sensation play scene at a local play space? Whatever it is — tell them. Starting the conversation by telling them what attracts you to them, and how you’d like to capture that in your scene or in your relationship connection, can help provide a foundation for you to expand on.

Ask them what they would like to get out of playing with you, as well. Do they want to feel owned? Powerful? Skillful? Taken care of? Do they want to push their physical limits a bit further? Reach a transcendent state? Or do they love to laugh and want to be playful? Creating space for them to talk about the bigger desires they have for your scene centers them as a co-creator of the experience, and builds empowerment towards consent.

2. Brainstorm Activities That Nurture The Desired Connection

Once you’ve talked about what turns you on about your play partner, and you’ve spent some time chatting about the way that you want to feel when it’s all wrapped up, start digging into activities.

Yeah, this list of activities is often it can start to feel like a checklist (or where folks show off their quiz results). But I’m encouraging you to think about things in more depth than just do you like being tied up, yes or no?

For starters, what does your partner know they like to experience, or perform? What have they had negative experiences with — and what were those experiences due to? Do they want to challenge assumptions or revisit things that they’ve tried before with varying levels of success? Are they curious about trying something new? Toss it all out on the table, as much as you feel safe with doing so. Just because one of you is interested in something doesn’t mean that the other person is obligated.

I hope that you have lots of options on the table that are (at least somewhat) on everyone’s “yes!” list. But even if you don’t, pick out just one or two things that feel hot. You don’t need to have a session that requires a huge toy bag and three costume changes (unless, of course, that’s what turns you on); a single toy or a small set of directives can make for a pretty pleasurable scene! If you do have tons of options – here’s your chance to edit it down. A mistake that I made as a novice top was to try to use lots of different toys during an SM scene – so I’d pull out multiple floggers, paddles, a cane, a crop, etc…and I got so busy trying to switch between toys to get to all of the different implements in the scene that I wasn’t as connected to the energy & flow of the session as my partner deserved. Having a goal of using just a few items – or a single one – lets you play with pacing, different sensations, and … wait for it … anticipation!

Once you’ve decided (at least initially) on what you’re going to do, it’s time to make sure that you mark the territory that you want to explore. How do you do that? Boundaries! Negotiating the “no’s” isn’t always a clear-cut “don’t hit here” or “don’t call me ___” — it also includes what and how you’ll both recover from it if something happens. The reality is that many issues that arise are not because of rules that were broken, but they’re due to an error that wasn’t corrected or went under the radar.

3. Don’t Rely Exclusively on Safewords When Trouble Arises

Safewords, while often discussed as part of negotiation, aren’t the infallible tool for communication that we might want them to be. First of all, the onus is on the bottom / submissive / receiving person to call a safeword, and while that might make sense, it doesn’t take into account the underlying reasons that might prevent someone from using a safe word. Some folks can get into a non-verbal state during play; some people may also be unwilling to use a safe word because they don’t want the play to stop for a variety of reasons (including worrying that they will upset their partner). And for the top or dominant person, there are some of the same issues that may hold them back from alerting their partner if one of their boundaries has been crossed.

There are ways to navigate this, though! We can decide that using a safeword only creates a “pause” in the action so that clear communication can happen before moving forward. We can also ask each other what they might say, or do, if they’re reaching a point that’s uncomfortable — some people who are experienced may already know this, but even for novices, they may be able to clearly identify at least one thing that they know about how they handle stress or pain that’s useful for their partner to know to look out for. A common reaction for pain, for example, is to pull away from the sensation; for many bottoms, they will pull away but then relax back into their original position (or even lean closer to their partner) as part of a pleasurable session, and so if they pull away and stay tense, it may indicate that they’re overwhelmed and may need a check-in or to have the sensation stop at that level.

4. Watch For Nonverbal Cues

The negotiation doesn’t end once the scene has started. We negotiate with our bodies as well as with our words. Paying attention to our partner’s reactions to what’s happening can provide tremendous insight, and are “additive” in a way that allows each subsequent scene to be even more intuitive and more intimate! Are they clearly breathing harder? Is their body relaxing instead of tensing up? Are their noises sounding more pleasurable? When we respond in a particular way, does our partner shift their actions (or even their energy) in a way that feels good to us? Pay attention to the little things; often, our bodies know (and show) what our brains can’t put into words.

The difference between an adequate session and an amazing session comes down to our ability to combine our trust in our boundaries and our intuition; and as we build both better verbal negotiation skills along with paying mindful attention to each moment as we’re exploring, we can bring those into alignment and allow ourselves to take a journey with our partner that transcends the norm.

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A contract covering sex and housework could save your relationship

— Here’s how to make one

By Julia Naftulin

  • Author Mandy Len Catron says making a contract for her relationship has kept it healthy.
  • Catron told NPR she and her partner revisit the contract every six months so they’re on the same page.
  • The contract includes a date night quota, a clause about alone time, and a mission statement.

Couples should have a written contract that covers sex, housework, alone time and date nights, author Mandy Len Catron told NPR.

Catron, who penned the viral New York Times’ essay “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This” in 2015, believes contracts are the key to happy and healthy relationships.

“Every relationship is contractual, we’re just making the terms more explicit,” Catron told NPR.

Catron said she first encountered the concept in the book “The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels.” Afterwards, she said she and her boyfriend Mark sat down and created their own relationship contract. She said it felt “empowering” and “amazing” to voice her needs and insecurities and “make space for them.”

How to create a relationship contract

To create a useful and realistic contract, you have to establish expectations, according to Catron.

She told NPR it’s important to remember your romantic partner shouldn’t be your only source of emotional support, intellectual banter, and fun. Instead, remember to lean on family and friends for some of your relational needs, and go into contract creation with that mindset.

Next, you and your partner should determine what to include in the agreement, like daily chores, personal and professional goals, finances, family time, and sex and intimacy.

Catron said a relationship contract is individual to each couple, so you can be as creative as you’d like. She said hers starts with an opening statement about why she and her boyfriend are in a relationship, which reads:  “We aspire to help each other be more ethically minded and generous friends, community members and global citizens.”

It also includes a date night quota, details about who pays for dates, and a clause to make space for alone time. 

Revisit and revise your contract every 6 months

Catron and Mark revisit their contract every six months, she told NPR. This way, it doesn’t feel like a strict legally binding agreement, and instead feels like collaboration. 

“It really made me feel like a co-creator in this process, as opposed to someone who is just sort of sitting back and letting the relationship go wherever it’s going to go and hoping for the best,” Catron told NPR.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why is maintenance sex such a complex issue?

The vulgarity of maintenance sex will vary depending on how you take it to play out

By

Maintenance sex is when someone puts out for their partner, particularly in long-term relationships, at times they don’t feel like being sexual.

Though ungendered in definition, the idea is usually put to women – have a quick Google of the term and you’ll see it recommended to women as a strategy to keep a marriage going.

It’s an old term that has come back into the spotlight after model Caprice said she does this with her husband.

Speaking to OK! Magazine, she said: ‘You can’t say, “I’m tired” or “I have a headache” – no! Take one for the team, because it’s between five to 10 minutes of your life.’

Since then, plenty of people have shared opinions on the matter and comment sections are a mix of men who agree with this, and others raising issue with the concept.

Maintenance sex touches on the fringes of many other big societal issues: gender politics, gender stereotypes and consent.

Due to this, we need to look at the nuances and complications around it – what maintenance sex means to one person will mean something else to another.

Psychosexual and relationship therapist Ammanda Major, who works for Relate, a charity providing relationship support, says many couples engage in maintenance sex. It’s a common issue sex therapists will come across.

She says: ‘People have sex for all sorts of reasons and there are lots of ways of being sexual with a partner.

‘For some it’s to have that orgasmic experience, but for many people it’s that closeness, that bonding.’

Sometimes that’s what maintenance sex is about, finding the connection rather than an orgasm.

Ammanda adds: ‘For most couples that have been together a long time, they report just cuddling up to someone and seeing what happens without the the clear intention of becoming necessarily sexual.’

A lot of sexual response is based on receiving an advance, even if the person wasn’t aroused before.

Often in a long-term relationship sex is a matter of ‘getting things started’, with one person initiating and foreplay getting the other person in the mood.

This is the side of maintenance sex that many couples will resonate with – but there are concerns around the idea of having sex when you’re not initially keen.

‘The key thing is not to be pressurised or do it because if you don’t your partner will sulk, become controlling or abusive in some way,’ Ammanda says.

‘If it makes you feel bad about yourself, don’t do it to yourself. If it makes you feel bad, then that’s telling you something.’

Dr Audrey Tang, psychologist and author, reiterates this point, telling us that sex when a partner isn’t sure or doesn’t feel like it is not something to be celebrated.

‘Sex is often one of the most loving, intimate acts you can share with someone,’ she notes.

‘It is something that is rewarding for all parties involved, because of the emotional and physical connection.  

‘When you change the narrative to where this beautiful gift of the self is offered “to keep someone in a relationship”, this devalues not only the act, but worse, your personal value, likely eroding your self worth with it. 

‘If someone is expecting you to “put out” in order to remain in a relationship with you, the question is not “Should I do it?” but rather “Do I even want that sort of energy in my life?”‘

Another issue that comes up when we talk about maintenance sex is the notion that this is a woman’s duty, because, so goes the stereotype, men want to have sex and women aren’t fussed.

Women have long been told they want less sex than men, and that their sexual desire isn’t a priority.

In practice, maintenance sex and fluctuating libidos are experience by all genders, regardless of sexual orientation.

So how do you navigate having a different sex drive to your partner? Is maintenance sex the answer?

Ammanda says communication is the only way you’re going to make true headway in the issue. An occassional maintenance sex session can be okay, but if you’re regularly feeling like you have to have sex, whether because your sex drives are mismatched or you’re not feeling loved up, that’s a larger issue that needs to be tackled.

‘Bear in mind sex drive levels change – we tend to talk a lot about how that’s a very static piece in a relationship, but actually for many couples it’s something that fluctuates and varies over time,’ she explains. ‘It swaps around – many men will report a lack of sex drive.

‘The key thing is to take away the sense of shame some couples have, either for wanting to have lots of sex or for not wanting to.

‘A lot of this comes down to developing good communication between the couple.’

Nurturing trust and respect will make these conversations flow easier, and therapy can be a good route to find a middle ground.

‘Historically you had to get the person with the lower sex drive up,’ Ammanda says, but this isn’t your only option.

Finding a compromise that fulfils both parties sexually is the best way couples can deal with unequal sexual drives, but the difference can also be a fair reason to end a relationship if it’s making either side unhappy.

Amanda says to figure out what sex means to you both and what you individually want from it, then go from there.

Most importantly: ‘Don’t do anything you don’t actively want to do.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Over 60s want to end the stigma and show sex doesn’t have an age limit

40% of people believe the desire for sex decreases with age

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Unless it’s a cutesy couple holding hands who’ve been married for 50 years, sexual romance between two people over 60 is often cast aside.

Like in many other contexts, our relationship with ageing is strange – viewed as unattractive, we distance ourselves from it.

But if you are sexually active and under 60, is it an appealing thought to think others will view you as being ‘past it’ come retirement?

Sex doesn’t have an age limit, as a study from sexual toy company We-Vibe shows.

Their survey of 14,500 people globally found that 40% have the idea that sexual desire decreases with age, but people over 55 also surveyed rated their own libidos as being similar or on par with younger people.

Separately, an age study based in Berlin found that senior citizens were having more sex than younger generations.

The assumption that come retirement, people essentially cease to be sexual beings shuts down important conversations around older age sex.

‘By making senior sex a taboo topic, we stigmatize and infantilize a huge portion of our population. Sex has no expiration date,’ senior sex author Joan Price tells Metro.co.uk.

‘By closing down the conversation, seniors who need solid information or advice won’t get it, won’t even dare ask.

‘By keeping senior sex in the dark, we hurt and shame people. Let’s accept that sex is a part of life whether we’re 25 or 75 or beyond. If we’re lucky, we’ll all age.

‘Sex affects our health, intimacy, pleasure, and sense of wellbeing. It’s part of life,’ she adds.

It can lower stress levels, lower blood pressure and boost happiness – things that matter in old age especially as this generation is particularly vulnerable to experiencing loneliness.

Speaking on his sex life, 76-year-old Rory says: ‘I don’t do it as often as I used to, but it is something to enjoy in a very warm, loving and comfortable way as compared to the past.

‘There was a lot of pressure to have the “perfect” sex when I was younger, but I have learnt now, that orgasming is not everything.’

For 73-year-old Peter, tired stereotypes around age and sex don’t reflect in his life at all.

‘It’s not exclusive to the young. The younger generation often think: “You’re 73 and you are still thinking about sex – you’re a pervert”.

‘However, the older you get has got nothing to do with how you feel about sex.’

He adds that by his age, you’ve learnt how to have ‘good’ sex.

Julia Henchen, a sex therapist, says sex also can improve with age due to having a better relationship with the self.

Explaining that sexuality doesn’t retire, she says: ‘This is actually a huge myth, because most of the time sex tends to get better with age.

‘It has to do with the fact that people have better access to their own bodies at an older age.’

This rings true for 66-year-old Toni, who tells us sex is better due to knowing her body more.

‘I find sex much better now than I used to in my teens.

‘It was only after menopause that I discovered that I can get to about three in a row,’ she shares.

When speaking on past versus present sexual experiences, confidence was a recurring theme – this is something else older generations want younger people to realise and learn from.

‘If I could go back in time, the one piece of advice that I would give myself is to enjoy myself.

‘Don’t worry about what you look like, don’t worry about your tummy, don’t worry about funny angles, just let yourself go. I have experienced the best sex not when I was young, but in my later years,’ Lesley, 66, says.

Though it isn’t always perfect – ageing naturally changes the body and brings about a new sex of challenges while having sex.

She continues, speaking on a more recent encounter: ‘I used to quite like standing up but my knees have given up the ghost now.

‘The last time I tried that I was screeching out because of my knees and of course the chap thought that I was in throes of passion. It was quite hilarious.’

Rather than see the inevitable changes as limitations, Lesley is able to see the fun still available to her.

Sexologist Dr Jess O’Reily tells us that the problem she sees most in clients is lubrication, often recommending lube and various toys to help make sex pleasurable.

‘If you see the changes that come with age as an opportunity, you’ll likely to discover new erogenous zones, more creative ways to arouse your body, more meaningful ways to connect with a partner and even more exciting ways to orgasm.’

Rather than acquaint ageing with a limited and diminished sex drive, old age actually be the key to confident, explorative sex.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!