Month: July 2021

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Keeping a mindful sex journal can completely transform your sex life

By Tanyel Mustafa

Sex/Life is our latest Netflix show craze, and it’s got us thinking more about… ahem… our sex lives. There are plenty of ways to enhance yours – be it through toys or new positions – but how do you know what’s actually working best for you? This is where a sex diary can help. No, seriously – hear us out.

Maybe you’re in a relationship and after the initial buzz of lockdown sex died down (come on, what else did we have to do in quarantine?, your sex life has a got a little less exciting. Or maybe things with your SO are seriously longterm, and you’re looking for a way to spice things up. And even if you’re looking to document your own solo pleasure, there’s benefits here too in keeping a sex diary.

Ultimately, it’s for your own enjoyment and to get better acquainted with how you feel about your sex life. Here’s what you need to know.

Why should you keep a sex journal?

Journaling is often recommended as a way to go inwards, self-reflect or even to let worries and situations go. Depending on how you feel about your sex life, a journal can be a good way to do these things.

It might seem weird at first, given that the main window we have for talking about sex is drunkenly with a trusted friend, but think about how freeing it could be. How often do you share the nitty gritty details of your sex life? Let’s be real, real sex rarely is the way it looks on our screens (including you, Sex/Life). It’s easy to feel like your experiences aren’t “normal”, whatever that actually means.

Kate Moyle, sex and relationship expert at sexual wellness brand LELO tells us: “Journaling is a commonly used tool in therapy for externalising, building self-awareness and helping to reflect on experiences, thoughts and feelings.

“Writing to yourself in this way can also highlight to you where you might be placing certain judgements, assumptions or ideas, which when it comes to sex can have a really big impact on our sex lives and experiences. Writing them down either in the moment or returning to then can really highlight some of both the internal and external factors which might be impacting us sexually.”

A journal is a private way to dissect these thoughts, which might even make talking about them later with your partner or friend easier. Or just keep it for yourself – in a fun way, it’ll be like a little log of your sexual adventures.

Are their benefits for single people, too?

We’ve spent the last year in isolation, and for some single people, the idea of getting back out there sexually will be daunting. Kate says journaling can help you process your thoughts around sex, as well as the act itself.

“Processing, externalising and exploring our thoughts and feelings, particularly when it comes to sex which we might feel is more challenging to discuss with others, can give us a chance to work out where we are at and how we’re doing. We can get so caught up in the moment when it comes to sex, that we may need a bit of space in order to do this properly which sex can offer.

“How you use a sex journal is unique to you – it’s not prescriptive. For others it can also offer a form of self sex education, learning about themselves and what they like and don’t like in a way which doesn’t necessarily involve a partner,” she explains.

So, how do you start?

“Whenever you want to,” Kate says, but warns to not go in “immediately after sex as you also have your partner and their thoughts and feelings to respond to”. Doing this could create anxieties in them about what you’re writing – not ideal.

What should you keep in mind while writing?

The act of journaling is meant to be helpful in essence, rather than being yet another tool to self-criticise.

Kate says: “The aim of this type of journalling is not about judging performance or a way of assessing yourself, it’s a means of reflecting and being able to self-learn and process. Sex is a subjective experience but for too long we have been looking for objective ways to try and measure it to see how we are doing – and this is what journaling shouldn’t be about.

“It might be helpful to notice how you feel writing, and what comes up for you and to learn what’s working for you sexually and what isn’t. This isn’t just in terms of physically what you are doing but emotionally and psychologically where you’re at.

Should you look back over it?

That’s entirely down to you and will differ depending on how you’re using the journal. Some people won’t want to look back, others might even find some enjoyment in doing so.

As long as you’re using the journal in an uncompetitive way and as a “tool for learning”, Kate says it’ll likely help your sexual wellness. “When we feel that we know more, it can contribute to feeling more confident and when it comes to our sex lives this can be really positive,” Kate says.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Love And Sex With Many

— Research On The Health And Wellness Of Consensual Non-Monogamy

By Rebecca Coffey

If Charles Darwin was right, human love and sex are rooted in the same reproductive imperative that makes animals mate. We want to send our genetic material into subsequent generations. Mind you, cats, dogs, Tasmanian devils, insects, fish, birds, and even Big Foot may not be thinking “Babies!” when they have sex. Gay men and lesbians aren’t trying to reproduce. Heterosexual people buying birth control supplies at drug stores aren’t. Regardless, the healthy, animalistic instinct to create progeny may be what makes most of them — most of us — suckers for sex and fools for love. It’s health and wellness in action.

And it’s all fun. But does biology dictate that mating has to be a forever kinda thing? Darwin never expressed an opinion. As it turns out, most animals who seem to be monogamous aren’t. Even so, some big religions dictate monogamy for humans. Many marriage and divorce laws do, too. 

For large mammals, anyway, monogamy doesn’t add to the probability that a species will survive. The opposite may be the case. In 2003, biologist Justin Brashares of the University of British Columbia examined 30 years of data for 41 mammal species on six separate reserves. Publishing in the peer-reviewed journal Conservation Biology, he reported that loyal mating ranked second as the cause of death for populations of primates. (Of course, humans are primates.)

New human sexology research from two groups of researchers has produced results not quite as dire. Even so, their data suggest that long-term monogamy may not always be ideal.

Wellness and Consensual Non-Monogamy

“The Vices and Virtues of Consensual Non-Monogamy: A Relational Dimension Investigation” is the work of graduate student Thomas R. Brooks III. Published by the peer-reviewed journal Psychology and Sexuality and written with colleagues from the Department of Psychology and Special Education at Texas A&M University-Commerce, it compared various measures of relationship quality, conflict resolution style, and individual well-being as self-reported by 555 heterosexual participants. Some of the participants were in monogamous relationships and some were in consensually non-monogamous (CNM) relationships. (CNM means an open relationship with full disclosure. The non-monogamous encounters can range from casual and low-stakes to intimacy that is both emotionally and sexually long-term and loving.)

The study participants completed standard questionnaires about well-being and conflict resolution. They also numerically rated the satisfaction, commitment, intimacy, passion, and love that they experience in their romantic and sexual relationships. Participants in CNM relationships generally scored as psychologically healthier and more content. In the rated measures of satisfaction in sex and love, people in CNM relationships generally outscored people in monogamous relationships. Perhaps not incidentally, people practicing CNM reported using positive problem-solving with their intimate partners, while those practicing monogamy more often reported that they emotionally withdraw from conflict with their relationship partner.

Was it the multiplicity of partners that made people in CNM relationships the high scorers on measures of well-being and happiness? Perhaps not. Brooks surmised that the increased satisfaction and psychological health measures may have been due to consensually non-monogamous people having negotiated “ways to keep sexual and romantic variety a priority in the relationship.” This is to say that it may not be sexual or romantic variety that’s the spice of life. It may be the negotiating— and the value that people place on keeping honesty and intimacy alive. 

CNM and Polyamory in History

One month before Brooks’ paper was published, the peer-reviewed journal Archives of Sexual Behavior published a paper by archivist-historian Brian M. Watson and Oxford University historian Sarah Stein Lubrano. In their study the two researchers investigated the passionate CNM attachments of a large handful of historical figures. “‘Storming Then Performing’: Historical Non-Monogamy and Metamour Collaboration” peeked at the love lives of nineteenth- and twentieth-century artists and intellectuals. (“Metamours” = “partner(s) of partner(s).”)

In the paper, details of the intimate heterosexual, bisexual, and homosexual lives of novelist Virginia Woolf, painter Frida Kahlo, poet/essayist/dramatist Victor Hugo, physicist Erwin Schrödinger, poet/playwright/suffragist Edna St. Vincent Millay, sociologist/historian Maximilian Karl Emil Weber, and Wonder Woman comic book author William Moulton Marston and various of their metamours were revealed. The paper’s view of love lives gone by showed that positive problem-solving of the sort described in Brooks’ Psychology and Sexuality paper can extend beyond the relationship among sexually and romantically intimate partners into and throughout their entire metamour network.

Watson and Lubrano use the term “polycule” (“polyamorous” + “molecule”) to describe a network of partners and metamours. Frida Kahlo is the only black- or brown-skinned person whose polycules their paper examined. Volunteering that information, Lubrano quipped in a group Zoom call, “In the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries, rich white people did a really good job of saving their correspondence and leaving it to be found.” 

With access to such correspondence and with the help of other archival material and secondary sources like biographies, Watson and Lubrano reframed non-monogamous behaviors that might once have been described as immoral and sketched portraits of polycules that were deeply caring in important material, social, and psychological ways. 

That being said, matters weren’t always tranquil in historical CNM polycules, certainly not during a polycule’s early days.

  • Virginia Woolfe was lucky enough to enjoy a long, largely peaceful polycule with her husband, journalist and publisher Leonard Woolfe, and author/garden designer Vita Sackville-West. However, that may be because Sackville-West’s explosive and dishonest behavior within a previous polycule had provided momentous learning experiences for her. 
  • Max Weber’s CNM relationship with his lover Else Jaffe erupted early on when he learned that his metamour was his own brother. After he got over that surprise, things settled down. Another of Weber’s partners was his wife, the feminist scholar and activist Marrianne Weber. She and Else together took care of Weber as he succumbed to pneumonia in 1914, leaving Marianne with her dead sister Lili’s four children, which she and Weber had intended to raise. Else stepped in and raised the children with Marianne. According to Watson and Lubrano, when Marianne died in Heidelburg in 1954, it was in Else’s arms.
  • When Erwin Schrödinger’s partner Hilde March had a little girl by him and developed post-partum depression, Schrödinger wife, Anny, took care of the baby until Hilde recovered. Later, Anny cared for Schrödinger’s baby by another partner. Schrödinger, meanwhile, relied on a metamour — Anny’s partner Peter Weyl — both emotionally and academically.

And so on. Watson and Lubrano’s paper featured several more polycules of the rich and famous.

Why Study CNM Satisfaction?

The polycules profiled by Watson and Lubrano give social context and history to a way of living that is still stigmatized in America. As the two researchers said in the Zoom call, they wrote the paper to normalize CNM, and also to make clear that the idea that healthy, non-competitive relationships among metamours constitute a potentially emancipatory way of loving and living. Watson said, “We want people contemplating or already in CNM relationships to know that they’re not the first ones to want this. They are not alone in history. There are good role models. We hope that looking at the past can make people confident about structuring their lives in a way that’s fulfilling.”

Indeed. The wide variance in the current estimates on how many adult Americans have participated in CNM in their lifetime (anywhere between 4% (2013) and 22% (2016)) suggests that CNM remains so stigmatized that some people are too ashamed to admit the truth of their romantic and sexual selves even to an anonymous survey. Data collected and reported in 2016 by researchers at the Kinsey Institute reflect the high estimate (22% lifetime incidence). The Kinsey researchers also noted that men as well as people who identify as gay, lesbian, or bisexual were more likely to testify to previous engagement in CNM. 

If indeed the Kinsey researchers’ estimate is correct, CNM may not be the “new normal.” It may, however, be one of several new normals, and it may be one that marital law and communities should prepare to accommodate.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How To Respect and Affirm Folks Who Use Multiple Sets of Pronouns

By Gabrielle Kassel

In May, Instagram launched a pronoun feature, allowing individuals to add up to four pronouns to their profile (without eating into their bio’s 150-character limit). And considering some individuals use multiple sets of pronouns—for example they/she pronouns, she/they/he, or she/he—it’s a long-awaited change that’s important for not only these folks, but for all people.

Often, people who use multiple pronouns are burdened with the obligation of educating others, fielding questions like “Why do people use multiple pronouns?” and “How do you respect someone who uses multiple pronouns?” To save these folks from the emotional labor associated with explaining—and to answer these common questions about multiple pronouns—keep reading for expert intel from Jesse Kahn, LCSW, CST, director and sex therapist at The Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in New York City, Rae McDaniel MEd, LCPC, a licensed clinical counselor and gender and sex therapist based in Chicago, and folks who use multiple sets of pronouns themselves.

Why people use multiple sets of pronouns

“There’s a wide variety of reasons someone may use two or more sets of pronouns,” says Kahn, adding that for some, it’s a way to signal the expansiveness of their gender. Alex, a non-binary femme, says, “I use they/she because I don’t feel like my gender can be encapsulated in one word, so I feel best when my pronouns are mixed all around.” And Everett, who is bigender, says, “I use she/he because some days I feel like I fit into the ‘man’ box, and on other days I fit better into the ‘woman’ box.”

Pronouns may indicate someone’s gender, but do not always, says Kahn. That means someone can be non-binary and use he/him pronouns or be non-binary and use she/her pronouns. With this in mind, pronouns can be less related to gender identity, and more so a way to acknowledge the expansiveness or complexity of gender. Basically, don’t assume someone’s pronouns indicate their entire gender identity.

Some people might use multiple pronouns because their pronouns vary based on where they are or who they’re with, says Jesse Kahn, LCSW.

Some people might use multiple pronouns because their pronouns vary based on where they are or who they’re with, says Kahn. Tyler, for instance, uses he/him while with family and friends from childhood, but they/them with people they met after college. “Being referred to by he/him doesn’t give me gender dysphoria, so continuing to use he/him with people who have known me a long time saves me the stress of having to explain why I use they/them sometimes.” Leo, who uses she/xe also uses multiple sets of pronouns to ensure there’s no need to constantly educate others on neopronouns, which are words created to stand in place of gendered pronouns entirely. “Using xe/xem/xyr brings me gender bliss, but I only use them in community with people who are well-versed in neopronouns,” Xe says. “Otherwise I end up having to do a lot of Pronoun 101 teaching.”

Kahn lists a few other additional reasons some folks use multiple sets of pronouns: “Some people use multiple pronouns because they prefer one set of pronouns, but are okay with a another set of pronouns; some use multiple pronouns because they’re indifferent to all pronouns; and some people use multiple pronouns to try out new pronouns,” he says.

Does the order of the pronouns matter?

As with most gender, sexuality, and pronoun-related questions, there is no one-size-fits-all answer with respect to whether the ordering of multiple pronouns matters. “Sometimes the order of pronouns is important to someone, and sometimes it’s not,” says McDaniel. And, adds Kahn, some individuals use the order to indicate that they would like the first set of pronouns to be used more than the second (or third) set, while for others, the order is irrelevant.

So, given how personal preferences surrounding multiple pronoun use is, how can you proceed in a way that’s most respectful of the person in question? If you have a strong relationship with the person,“it’s best to ask if the person likes certain pronouns used in certain scenarios, contexts, or with different people, and if there’s anything they want you to know about how to use their pronouns in a way that is most affirming to them,” says Kahn.

And if you’re not super close to the person, you can still ask for guidance in a way that is respectful of their time, space, and energy. You might ask, “I’d love to use your pronouns in a way that feels best to you. Would you be willing to share with me what that is?” Or, “Do you have the bandwidth to explain to me how you want me to use your pronouns?” Both questions suggest that you understand the tedious nature of pronouns-explaining, and that you’ll respect them if they don’t currently have the time, interest, or energy to answer your Q’s.

Other ways to affirm individuals who use multiple pronouns

First things first: If you’re cisgender and haven’t already, share your pronouns everywhere (email signature, Instagram bio, Zoom avatar, dating-app profiles, etc.). Also, introduce yourself with your pronouns when meeting someone new because sharing your pronouns helps to normalize the practice for all people, including those who use multiple pronouns.

Sharing your pronouns helps to normalize the practice for all people, including those who use multiple pronouns.

Also, if you meet someone who uses multiple pronouns, Kahn says they may want you to use multiple pronouns when you refer to them. In practice, that looks like switching up or even alternating the pronouns that you use. “If you’re talking about a friend who uses he/they pronouns, for example, you might say something like, ‘I ran into Tim the other day, and they said we should come over and grill. He said there will be burgers’,” says McDaniel. “If you default to one—especially the one that is more commonly known to be within the dominant binary norm—you may be communicating how you see them and the type of effort you’re willing to put in to use someone’s correct pronouns.” While doing so may be easier for you, it may come at the expense of ensuring the other person feels fully seen and recognized.

Finally, remember that practice can help. Games like Minus 18 and Gender Wheel allow you to practice using pronouns in a fun way. Or, you can pen paragraphs about made-up people who use multiple sets of pronouns for practice. As the saying goes, pronoun practice makes pronoun perfect—and normalizing multiple pronoun use is a key step to ensuring destigmatization for all.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Does Heteroflexible Mean?

Here’s How it’s Defined

This identity straddles the line between queer and straight.

By Taylyn Washington-Harmon

Sexuality is increasingly defined as being part of spectrum, with more people rejecting the idea that they are strictly heterosexual or homosexual. Because of that, the language surrounding sexuality has changed as well. Enter heteroflexible, a term dating back to the early 2000s to describe those who are heterosexual, but not exclusively. Here’s what experts ay about being heteroflexible, how it differs from bisexuality, and how to be an ally to those who fit this sexual identity.

What is heteroflexible?

Heteroflexibility is a valid sexual orientation; it typically applies to a person who is primarily heterosexual yet has some level of attraction to their own sex, Debra Laino, a clinical sexologist and relationship therapist based in Delaware, tells Health.

“Heteroflexible, like most labels, means different things to different people,” Casey Tanner, a clinical sex therapist in Chicago, tells Health. “It comes up most of the time when a person identifies as mainly straight with a slight propensity towards queerness in certain circumstances.” According to Tanner, heteroflexible can include people who are questioning or exploring their sexuality outside of heterosexuality but not quite ready to identify as queer.

Does heteroflexible fit into the LGBTQ+ spectrum?

Yes, since it’s way to describe sexual fluidity. “It’s not quite bisexuality, as the orientation remains ‘mainly straight,'” says Laino. However, whether someone who is heteroflexible chooses to identify with the LGBTQ+ community is entirely their choice. “The base root of the orientation is still hetero,” says Tanner.

Heteroflexible vs. bisexual

These to sexual identity terms might seem similar, but they aren’t. People who identify as heteroflexible primarily embraces heterosexuality. “The identification with heteroflexibility is primarily straight with hues of same sex experience,” say Laino, “whereas bisexuality is more open to both same sex and opposite sex attraction.” By definition, bisexual individuals are sexuality and emotionally attracted to people of their own sex and the opposite sex.

“Heteroflexibility can include bisexuality or pansexuality,” says Tanner. (Pansexual people are attracted to others regardless of the other person’s gender or sexual identity.) “There could also be no intention to pursue non-heterosexual behavior at all,” adding that many heteroflexible people may be in relationships that are or appear heterosexual to others.

How can I be an ally to someone who identifies as heteroflexible?

As always, don’t judge or make assumptions; let the other person describe themself and accept the terms they use. In her experience as a sex therapist, Tanner has found that some people who identify as heteroflexible may fear coming out as a queer individual and worry about the stigma that can arrive with that. As an ally, be respectful of their identity and how they choose to label their sexuality. “I would be affirming and open and make space for that person to be and share what feels safe to them,” says Tanner.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How To Know When To Walk Away From A Sexless Marriage

by Jessa Zimmerman, M.A.

One of the top issues that present in couples and sex therapy is a difference in levels of sexual desire. A discrepancy in desire is normal, but sometimes couples will struggle with conflict or avoidance around sex if they don’t manage that difference together. Sexless marriage, generally defined as having sex fewer than 10 times a year, is the extreme result of difficulty navigating sexual interest between two people.

A sexless marriage may be grounds for divorce for some people, depending on how important sex is to them and how much work has been put into solving the issue as a couple. Some couples rarely or never have sex, and both people are totally fine with that. There is no “normal” or “healthy” level of sexual desire or activity, so if it’s working for both people, there’s nothing to change or worry about. In a relationship where at least one person is unhappy with the lack of sex, there are many steps you can take to address undesired sexlessness within the marriage first before turning to divorce. As with so many other reasons to end a marriage, it’s worth trying to improve it first.

First and foremost, it’s important to consider the reasons for the lack of sex. If one person has become ill, disabled, or otherwise unable to be physically intimate, that’s very different from your partner being unwilling to engage with you sexually. Changes in sexual functioning can still allow physical intimacy, even if it doesn’t look like it used to. You may need to reevaluate your definition of what constitutes sex: If you only think about sex as being intercourse or penetrative sex, you are limiting the many types of sexual experiences you two could be enjoying together. Relatedly, the changes we face as we age and weather may mean we have to adjust our expectations. Those losses certainly should be grieved, but they can also be tolerated and supplemented with other satisfying sexual experiences.

You should also consider how the lack of sex in your marriage is related to other issues between you. When couples struggle to be kind to and supportive of one another, when their communication is dripping with criticism or contempt, or when they are gridlocked over other significant topics in their lives, it’s common to not want to have sex. If you’ve got other significant areas you have to address, do that work before you assess your sex life. Making changes to improve your overall relationship health usually has to happen before sexual intimacy can be created in a relationship.

Sexless marriage divorce rate.

There is no concrete statistic on how many people divorce because of a lack of sex in their marriage. A 2017 study of U.S. General Social Survey data from 2002 found 16% of married couples were in a sexless marriage (no sex in the past year). A 2018 survey that found over one in four relationships are sexless. We don’t know specifically what percentage of these couples were unhappy with the lack of sex, however. We also know that about 50% of marriages end in divorce. But so far, there is no study that ties these stats together.

Even if we did have a study showing how many couples got divorced due to a sexless marriage, we’d have a hard time knowing whether sex was really the issue—or just a symptom of other problems. I can say that lack of sex shows up in my therapy practice regularly, and couples often wonder whether their relationship can survive if that doesn’t change. Many people are certainly considering divorce.

When to walk away from a sexless marriage:

1. Your partner refuses to work through this issue with you.

There are so many obstacles to sex in a relationship, so there are many things you may need to talk about and change in order to create a sex life that you can both enjoy. Before considering divorce, you should bring up your concerns to your partner, have an earnest conversation about what’s in the way, and see how you can work as a team to address the issue. There is a lot you can do toward improving a sex life with your partner, but it does take both of you to step up to the table and address what needs to change.

Before you conclude that your partner isn’t willing to help, make sure that you have done everything you can on your side of the court. Bring up your concerns in a collaborative way, without blaming and shaming. You can support a partner with lower libido simply by being willing to explore how you are contributing to roadblocks for your partner. Have true curiosity about how sex could work better for them and what they need to access or cultivate their own desire for sex. Approach sex like it’s play rather than having specific goals and outcome that could set you both up for failure.

If you’ve been doing all of this, and your partner still refuses to talk about it and won’t be a collaborative teammate with you in creating physical intimacy in your relationship, it could be time to leave.

2. Your relationship issues are so big that there are other reasons to divorce.

Lack of sex in a relationship can be a symptom of other significant issues. In that case, it’s the other issues that really create grounds for divorce, if you can’t work through them.

For example, if the two of you have toxic communication cycles, including blame, shame, criticism, gaslighting, or abuse, that can nix your sex life—and bring your marriage to its end. Likewise, if you can’t get on the same page about money or parenting, you may not be able to save your marriage. If you have power struggles, infidelity, lying, or cruelty, your relationship may not survive. In all these examples, your issues go way deeper than the lack of sex in your marriage. If they aren’t addressed and changed, you may very well decide to leave your marriage.

3. Your sexual interests are so different that there are not ways to enjoy sex together, and you don’t agree to find another way to explore those interests.

Sometimes couples have what we call an “erotic conflict.” Each person has things that turn them on, a vision of the kind of sex they want to have and with whom. Sometimes, what we want is mutually exclusive with the desires of our partner. For example, if one person is kinky and that is a turnoff for their partner, they may struggle to find sex they can share and enjoy. Likewise, a person’s sexual orientation could get in the way—if they are not attracted to the gender of their partner.

In sex therapy, I am always trying to help couples find the overlap in their desires (think of a Venn diagram), but occasionally there is none. Some couples decide to address this by using fantasy and masturbation while staying married. Others decide to implement some type of open marriage in which they can meet their needs outside the relationship but remain married. But if those options aren’t desirable, you may decide to divorce over this lack of sexual compatibility.

Can a sexless marriage survive?

Yes. If you love your partner and you value your relationship, there are ways to address the lack of sex between the two of you as long as you’re both willing to work together. We are inundated with messages that sex should come naturally and that something must be very wrong with our relationship if we are having a hard time in the bedroom. But the truth is that it’s common, almost universal, to struggle with sex at some point over the course of a relationship. These difficulties present an opportunity to address issues, to talk to our partner with openness, and to recreate your relationship and sex life to suit you now.

Lack of sex is usually a symptom of other things. Sexual desire changes over time, and especially when it comes to sex in long-term relationships, having different levels of desire is normal. Things change in our lives in ways that make our sex life more difficult. All of these are normal and common experiences.

If you want to stay in your marriage and enjoy a sex life together, you can step into the work it takes to make that happen—and invite your partner to do the same. You’re not alone in these struggles, and your relationship doesn’t have to end—unless you truly face irreconcilable differences.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Everything You Need to Know About BDSM Tests and Kink Levels

It’s basically like a ~sexy~ Myers-Briggs personality test.

By Morgan Mandriota

Hello, my friends: Welcome to the safe space where kinksters, rookies, and all those in between unite. If you’re looking to explore a new fetish, maybe dabble in a few new kinks, or find out what exactly a brat is (…among other things), you’ve come to the right place.

Meet your new trusty sidekick that is low-key the R-rated version of Myers-Briggs: the BDSM test.

For the ~experienced~ kinksters, a BDSM test will help you find something new to try in (or out of) the bedroom. For those who are on the vanilla side looking to dabble into ventures you *might* be into, this test will also help you in all your sexy-time fun. Let’s get into all the details about it and what you can expect.

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What’s a BDSM test?

It’s kind of like a Myers-Briggs test for sexual personality types, says Gabi Levi, a sexpert who runs erotica site Shag Story. But if you’re looking for a more ~solid~ definition, “BDSM tests are typically a list of various sexual acts and attitudes that the test taker ranks on a scale ranging from ‘I’m 100 percent into that’ to ‘Nope. Hard limit, never gonna happen,’” explains sex and relationship therapist Stefani Goerlich.

“You answer questions about what kinds of sensations you enjoy giving and receiving, how much control you like to take or give over in your relationships, and how you feel about various fantasy and role-play scenarios,” says Goerlich.

Some example Qs you can expect to answer:

  • Do you enjoy behaving like a child?
  • Do you love being tied up with zero control?
  • Do you enjoy hunting prey?

Expect to be asked deeper, nonsexual questions because BDSM isn’t only a sexual experience—often times, it requires a high level of emotional intimacy too, says Levi.

What do your results mean?

Once you finish, you’ll end up on a page that shows off all your results, which is basically a list of which BDSM archetypes you align most with on a percentage scale from 0 to 100.

“You’ll receive a list of various power exchange dynamics, ranging from Fifty Shades–style light dominance and submission to master/slave lifestyles as well as more niche interests such as caregiver/little and pet play,” Goerlich explains. “The test then tells you, based on what you expressed an interest in, which dynamics might be most comfortable and enjoyable for you and your partner(s).”

Some of those look like brat and brat tamer, master/mistress and slave, caregiver and little, pet play, etc.

“At first glance, it can seem overwhelming, but BDSM can be so valuable to someone’s sex life, personal life, and emotional growth,” says Levi. “The world of BDSM is so much larger than most people think it is—it reaches beyond ‘dom’ and ‘sub’ archetypes into kinks and scenes that are uniquely specific to a participant’s sexual preferences.” Kind of cool, right?

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Where can I take a BDSM test?

Alright, alright, now everything you’ve been waiting for: how to take this BDSM test. Head on over to BDSMTest.org or MojoUpgrade.com to take the test. They’re two of the best sites around with slight differences.

BDSMTest.org gives you a lengthy list of fetishes and kink dynamics along with a percentage rating of how aligned your answers were with each possibility. (Like, hi, I got 99 percent brat.) This one is probs best if you’re single or just curious about your own tastes.

MojoUpgrade.com is better for seeing how your kinks align with your partners’. It allows couples to separately rate their sexual interests, then at the end, groups everything you both agreed on into a list to explore and play with.

Both options can be really powerful tools to build trust and enhance communication within your relationship, says Goerlich.

Okay, so you took the BDSM test. How will it improve your sex life?

A ton of really amazing ways. For one, “BDSM takes the fundamental ideas of power, play, and pleasure and puts them under a magnifying glass,” says Levi. “By understanding which elements of those fundamentals turn you on and turn you off is going to make you better understand your own sexuality and desires.”

Taking them can also help ease feelings of sexual shame or insecurity. “By taking tests such as these with your partner, you learn so much about what you might have in common but have been too afraid to talk about,” says Goerlich, whose clients often say they feel embarrassed or ashamed of what they want to do sexually.

Plus, who wouldn’t want to gauge sexual compatibility with your partner? Maybe it’s a lil much to pull out a BDSM test on date one, but if we’re asking about love languages and astrology signs, why not?

But remember this: Although BDSM tests can offer amazing insight into your own dream world of kink, they should only be used for inspo. “These are not psychological assessments that have been evaluated for reliability and validity,” Goerlich says. That said, my boyfriend and I can totally vouch for how much fun a BDSM test date night was.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is A Ruined Orgasm?

Why Some People Love Them + How To Try

by Morgan Mandriota

Some folks dream of being able to someday have an orgasm, while others get off from having their partner spoil their big O. Yep, you read that right—ruined orgasms are totally a thing that some people enjoy. If you’re curious, here’s what you should know about ruined orgasms before attempting to wreck your or someone else’s next climax.

What is a ruined orgasm?

“A ruined orgasm is typically a type of control play found in the BDSM community whereby the dominant person gets the submissive person highly aroused and then leaves them hanging to experience a very low-quality, low- to no-sensation type of orgasm, if any at all,” explains AASECT-certified sex therapist Jenni Skyler, Ph.D., LMFT, CST. So rather than feeling a 10/10 euphoric explosion of pleasure, the sub would feel a not-so-satisfying 2/10 instead. Yay.

Ruined orgasms can happen by accident, too. In fact, you might’ve actually had one in the past! “Many of us have experienced them; most of us just don’t eroticize the experience,” says sociologist and clinical sexologist Sarah Melancon, Ph.D. For example, she says one can occur if someone walks in on you masturbating or you get distracted right as you’re about to finish. (I can vouch that that’s happened to me before with a phone call from my mom, and it sucked.)

Melancon also notes that this practice is far more common in the world of female domination with male subs (which is why male-gendered language and penis talk may be used moving forward!), but people of any gender can enjoy it and should totally try it out if it sounds appealing.

What ruined orgasms feel like.

Does a ruined orgasm hurt or feel good for the person having it? Does it even feel like anything at all? Well, it can make the recipient feel…a few different things. Physically, it’s kinda like blue balls. “It can feel like a very subtle orgasm without the release, intensity, or climatic feeling typically experienced by orgasm,” says Skyler. Melancon adds that “sometimes ruined orgasms can feel a bit painful or uncomfortable to feel the contractions of an orgasm without the pleasure.”

Emotionally, it can feel very frustrating, disappointing, and unsatisfying. “If the stimulation continues to a point where ejaculation is inevitable, his partner can still distract or humiliate him to ruin the sensation of orgasm,” says Melancon. “In addition, the feeling of humiliation may accompany the experience regardless, especially if the ‘ruined’ partner twitches, spasms, moans, and groans at the sensation. It can feel embarrassing, as if they have no control over their own body.”

Ironically, though, despite how sad ruined orgasms may sound like they feel, they can be pretty pleasurable if someone’s super into them. “Some men have a fetish for this and want their partner to ruin their orgasm,” says Melancon. “These guys often enjoy the tease-and-denial aspect and/or want to be ‘forced’ to do something to ‘earn’ a good orgasm.” 

How to give or have a ruined orgasm:

1. Ensure you have consent.

Friendly reminder: Never assume it’s OK to engage in a sexual activity without receiving enthusiastic consent from all parties. It’s especially important to protect both people during BDSM with clear communication, boundaries, and consent conversations. “Make sure both partners agree to this type of sex play,” says Skyler…then, proceed!

2. Agree upon a safe word.

Safewords or safe signals are important for communication and safety, explains Melancon. So before playing, remember to pick a unique word or action that either of you can express to stop the experience at any given time—no questions asked.

“There aren’t many true risks here, but if he’s uncomfortable and wants to stop, he should be free to express himself, and it’s a good idea to discuss how beforehand,” she says. “Likewise, his partner should feel free to stop teasing him if she isn’t feeling into it herself.”

Don’t know what to choose? “Watermelon.” You’re welcome.

3. Do your research.

Skyler reminds those interested in attempting ruined orgasms to read up on dom/sub power dynamics before starting this type of play. Learning the how-to’s from reliable sources on YouTube or well-known industry professionals can help ensure you have a safer, more educated, and pleasurable experience.

4. Focus on teasing your partner.

Ruined orgasms have to do with the amazing buildup and disappointing letdown of that otherwise long-awaited, exciting moment. That’s where the art of teasing comes in! “Slowly tease and build up the sexual tension inside his body. [You] may start and stop just as he’s really getting into it, then, after a pause, start back up again,” Melancon suggests.

5. Stop all stimulation prior to climax.

Melancon reminds us that a ruined orgasm is when all stimulation is stopped just prior to orgasm. So right as he’s about to orgasm, simply stop all movement and stimulation. “If you’ve timed it right and he’s on the path of no return, his body may begin to convulse and he will moan with discomfort instead of pleasure,” she says. Hint: If that happens, you’re doing it right!

Ruined orgasm versus edging.

There’s a pretty clear difference between ruined orgasms and edging, which involves getting right up to the point where you’re about to orgasm, stopping temporarily, and then building back up again. One results in maximum pleasure, whereas the other results in minimal pleasure. (Can you guess which is which?)

“While edging is very pleasurable and results in a longer window of arousal followed typically by an intense orgasm. A ruined orgasm is like the arousal petering out without climax after getting highly aroused,” Skyler explains.

“Tease and deny is a related kink and is exactly what it sounds like—one partner teases the other until they’re very aroused but stops before the point of orgasm,” adds Melancon. What’s the difference? Stimulation stops sooner and isn’t meant to ruin the orgasm, she says, but just amp up the teasing aspect.

Ruined orgasms may not sound physically pleasurable, so what’s the appeal for each party? Turns out there are many reasons people might enjoy ruined orgasms.

For one, it’s a fetish (predominantly among men). But while it’s more common for men to desire a ruined orgasm, Melancon says some women find it fun. “It really turns the dominant heterosexual script on its head, where his orgasm is no longer the most important or defining moment of sex.”

However, a lot of the excitement boils down to having or lacking control. “Partners may enjoy the power play and being able to choose where, when, how, and, most importantly, IF [they] get [their] pleasure,” says Melancon. Skyler adds that the power play appeal lies around the “short-term withholding and/or denial of physical pleasure for the larger, mental erotic charge. Many people playing in this arena enjoy giving up the physical sensations of more vanilla-known pleasure in order to experience a more mental [excitement] around power exchange.”

Last but not least on the list of perks, ruined orgasms can even help people with penises last longer during sex. According to Melancon, “if he’s allowed to ejaculate but without the pleasurable release of orgasm, he may remain sexually aroused and thus able to engage in more sexual activities.”

So whether you’re potentially into the power play, pain, or twisted pleasure of it all, try having your next orgasm ruined. Who knows? You might be way more into it than you expect.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How mindfulness can re-invigorate your sex life

Harness the power of mindfulness to form deeper connections

by Jodie Bond

We all know the benefits of mindfulness, but have you ever considered introducing aspects of mindful practice into your sex life? Many of us don’t associate calm and mindfulness with the passion we strive for in the bedroom, yet taking the time to think mindfully about sex is a great way to super-charge your love life.

Professor Lori Brotto is a psychologist and author from the University of British Columbia’s Sexual Health Laboratory. Considering the links she’s found in her research, Professor Brotto says: “A large body of scientific research shows that mindfulness significantly improves sexual desire, and several other facets of sexual function, mood, and sexual quality of life.”

Improving the way we tune-in to our bodies through mindfulness can improve the way we tune-in to our sexuality. These five steps will help you get started.

Passionate sex is mindful sex

Think back to your most powerful sexual experience. Do you remember what was running through your head? It’s likely that you don’t. When we’re immersed in the throes of passion, we are seized by the moment. We give our whole being to it. And that is exactly what mindfulness is. Passionate sex is mindful sex: we give all our energy to the heat of the experience, with no room for distraction.

In long-term relationships, we often find ourselves slipping into autopilot. We put ourselves through the motions of sex without being present. Do you ever find yourself thinking about work, or your never-ending to-do list? Our thoughts can be a barrier to intimacy.

Learn to switch off

Be in the moment during sex. Focus on your senses, and not on how you’re performing. This will not only help both you and your partner to relax, but will make the experience more enjoyable. Focus on the parts of your body that are alight with sensation. Notice your movements, the rise and fall of your breath, the warmth and coolness, the shiver of your skin.

Talking to your partner about what you’re experiencing during sex will help you both gain a better understanding of how to dial up the pleasure. Those whispers between the sheets can also be a huge turn on.

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Meditation and sex

Meditation and sex might sound like contradictory activities. Meditation is practised alone, usually in stillness and silence; sex is often active, noisy, and frequently practised with a partner! But these two activities are more complementary than you might think.

Research suggests that meditating in our daily lives has a positive impact on our enjoyment of sex. Regular meditation reduces the amount of the stress hormone, cortisol, that we produce. We all know that feeling stressed pushes sex down the priority list, and makes us more distracted when engaging with our partner. By lowering our stress levels through meditation, we can give our mind, and libido, the breathing space required to ignite our sense of desire.

Don’t put pressure on yourself

Often, we think of an orgasm as the primary goal when having sex, but placing climax on a pedestal can create unwanted pressure. According to a study published in Socioaffective Neuroscience & Psychology, more than half of women struggle to climax through penetrative sex, and chasing after an orgasm can distract from other sensual pleasures, and lead to frustration. Letting go of expectations, and simply enjoying the moment for what it is, will often yield astonishing results.

Make a date

It is easy for sex to slip down the list of priorities in long-term relationships – it’s not often given the time it deserves. A survey published in the British Medical Journal revealed that we are having less sex than we used to. This is often attributed to the fast pace of our modern lives.

A lot of value is placed on our ability to be spontaneous with sex, but there is no shame in scheduling it in. If you take one thing from this, promise yourself that you’ll dedicate a few hours to engage mindfully with sex.

Mindfulness is about finding an anchor for your focus. Let the anchor be your own body. Learn to return to that anchor when you are distracted, and you will revolutionise your love life. That’s a promise.

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How to have shower sex

— 12 essential tips and steamy positions

Getting steamy in the tub may be trickier than on dry land, but that’s no reason to write it off.

by Rosie Saunders

Shower sex looks easy in the movies, but the reality can be a little bit different. Getting steamy in the tub may be trickier than on dry land, but that’s no reason to write it off. A little pre-shower prep goes a long way.

With that in mind, we asked Mia Sabat, sex therapist at sexual wellbeing audio app Emjoy, to share the best positions for comfortable shower sex, along with extra tips and advice for taking your bathroom escapades up a level:

Shower sex positions

While this article refers to sex between a woman or a person with a vagina, and a man or a person with a penis, shower sex certainly isn’t gender-exclusive – nor does it require two people.

There’s plenty of fun you can have in the bath or shower by yourself, says Sabat – try lathering your body in special scented soaps or gels, or bring a sex toy into the mix.

‘The sky is the limit when it comes to shower sex, so long as you prioritise stability.’

‘There are plenty of waterproof options to help make things really exciting,’ she says. ‘The soothing nature of water can also help you to relax and unwind, giving your mind the space it needs to really get into the mood while helping you to build a truly powerful orgasm.’

If you are sharing the suds with a partner, try one of the following positions to make shower sex as comfortable and enjoyable as possible:

1. Stand and deliver

  • The receiver should turn away from their partner with their back to their face.
  • Feet should be firmly planted on the floor, ideally on a non-slip bath mat for added safety and leverage.
  • The receiver should bend at the waist until their head is pointing towards the ground , with their hands resting either on the wall in front of them or the side of the tub.
  • The giver should hold the receiver’s hips while entering from behind.

Also known as standing doggy style, this position is exceptionally satisfying when it comes to stimulating the clitoris and G-spot, says Sabat.

2. The wraparound

  • Stand facing each other, with one person leaning against the nearest wall for support.
  • Make sure to angle the shower head away from your face and onto your body for this to work.
  • Have the wall partner ‘wrap’ one leg around the other to pull them closer as they enter.

‘Not only does this position allow for over-the-top sensations and deeper penetration, but it enables you and your partner to be even more passionate and intimate, as you can kiss and caress one another while face-to-face,’ says Sabat. ‘A truly perfect way to make shower sex even steamier.’

3. On your knees

  • The ‘giver’ can squat, kneel or take any other position that allows them to pleasure their partner.
  • Make the room hot and steamy for this, to ensure the person on the giving end doesn’t get too cold.

‘The key to this position is making sure that whoever is receiving oral sex is standing, with the shower stream hitting their back, to shield the person who’s giving pleasure from any unwanted distractions,’ says Sabat.

4. The caboose

  • Have the giver sit down on the shower floor with their hands behind them.
  • The receiver should then sit on top.

‘This position means you’ll both be getting wet with the water coming from above,’ says Sabat. ‘Perfect for a partner that enjoys watching you when you’re on top.’

Shower sex tips

The sky is the limit when it comes to shower sex, so long as you prioritise stability, says Sabat. Before you begin, take precautions by using the right tools for the job – non-slip bath mats and lubricant (yep, lubricant) are key.

‘You might think water will suffice as a natural lubricant, but it actually has the opposite effect,’ Sabat says. ‘To ensure that penetration is comfortable throughout your steamy experience, use the correct lubricant for your situation.’

1. Set the mood

Foreplay is important – get stimulated before your switch the shower on. You could listen to literary or audio erotica, watch shower-based pornography, or experiment with ‘getting dirty before getting clean,’ says Sabat.

‘Swapping massages with scented oil, exploring each other’s messier fantasies, or experimenting with chocolate body paint can be great ways to work up to shower sex, especially as you’ll really enjoy washing each other off once you jump in,’ she says. ‘Feel free to go where your minds and bodies take you – the possibilities are endless.’

2. Plan ahead

When it comes to shower sex, you’re going for exciting – not dangerous, says Sabat. ‘Be sure you take safety precautions through bathroom accessories like handles, gripped bath mats, and waterproof sex toys to ensure that any liaisons you get into in the bathroom don’t end in a trip to the doctor,’ she says.

3. Take a stand

A foot stand, that is. It can help improve stability and increase the depth of penetration, Sabat says. ‘When you’re showering alone, don’t be afraid to test out potential positions to gauge stability,’ she explains. ‘Not only will this likely help to stimulate you both, but no one will be any the wiser, and you won’t have to worry about any slips or stumbles when you’re enjoying the real thing.’

shower sex

4. Don’t slip and slide

If you’re using any form of barrier protection, put it on before entering the shower to make sure you’re as protected as possible. ‘There’s an increased risk of condom slippage in the shower, so make sure it’s a good fit before you start adding water to the equation,’ says Sabat. ‘Remember, water is not a replacement for lubricant. Make sure that you have some water or silicone-based lubricant on standby, just in case, and that it’s compatible with any condoms or sex toys that you’re using.’

5. Think outside the box

Sex doesn’t have to involve penetration. Think outside the box and engage with other forms of intimacy – be it mutual masturbation, self-pleasure, oral sex, or simple, spontaneous mutual exploration, says Sabat. ‘What matters is that you and your partner engage in whatever sexual experience feels stimulating and satisfying to the both of you by consensually pursuing your sexual desires in the moment,’ she says.

6. Don’t obsess over orgasms

‘If you find yourself thinking that all sexual encounters must result in climax to be a worthwhile experience, it’s time to change – especially within the context of shower sex,’ says Sabat. ‘Focusing on stimulating each other while learning and exploring one another’s thrilling pleasures are valid ways of creating and sharing intimacy. Just let the flow of water and blissful pleasures take over – you’re sure to connect with some of your favourite undiscovered sensations.

7. Use shower accessories

A world of pleasure exists beneath the shower tap, says Sabat. If you are a person with a vagina, and have a removable shower head, ‘experiment with different positions throughout the tub – lying on your back or stomach, or sitting on the side of the tub, can help you to reach places you’ve never accessed before,’ she says.

‘Alternatively, lie on your back and slide under the bath’s tap until you come into contact with the steady stream of water in a way that feels pleasurable to you, without entering your vagina,’ Sabat continues. ‘In either context, the steady stream of warm water is sure to stimulate your vulva and clitoris like no other.’

8. Don’t shy away from anal play

If you’ve always wanted to explore anal play, the shower can be one of the best places to put your worries at ease, says Sabat. ‘Next time you’re in the shower alone or with your partner and feel the urge to venture out of your comfort zone, get some silicone lube,’ she says. ‘Start by slowly massaging your lower back, caressing the outside of your anus, and move at a pace that makes you comfortable and excited.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Causes Sexless Relationships

& How To Fix One

by Kelly Gonsalves

If you’ve found yourself in a sexless relationship, you likely have a lot of questions on your mind: What causes a relationship to become sexless? Is a sexless relationship healthy? And maybe the scariest question to ask yourself, especially if you’ve been in this relationship a long time and very much love the person you’re with: Should you stay in a sexless relationship? Here are all the answers you’re looking for, straight from sex and marriage therapists.

What is a sexless relationship?

A sexless relationship is a relationship where there’s little to no sexual activity occurring between the couple. There’s no exact way to quantify what counts as a sexless relationship, as different people have different expectations and desires for sex. Having sex 10 times a year or less is usually considered a sexless relationship, according to AASECT-certified sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman. But it’s very dependent on the individuals. For example, some people are perfectly happy with sex about once a month, whereas for others, that might feel infrequent enough to consider it a sexless relationship.

“It’s a bit arbitrary,” Zimmerman tells mbg. “I am always hesitant to define what amount is a problem or to focus on frequency because just meeting a number doesn’t mean your sex life is really working. Whenever we talk frequency, I think we are having the wrong conversation; it should be about quality—the degree to which both people find it enjoyable, engaging, and positive in their relationship.”

Sexless relationship statistics.

Of the 659 married people who shared details about their sexual frequency in the 2018 U.S. General Social Survey, about 19% were in what could be considered sexless relationships, reporting having had sex “once or twice” or “not at all” in the last year.

In comparison, about 35% of those married people had sex one to three times per month, 25% of had sex weekly, and 21% had sex several times per week.

In general, it’s common for sex in long-term relationships to fluctuate in frequency and quality. One study found four in five couples dealt with mismatched libidos in the last month. “Sexless relationships happen all the time,” marriage therapist and certified sex educator Lexx Brown-James, LMFT, tells mbg.

What causes sexless relationships.

There’s often not one direct cause that leads to sexless relationships but rather a myriad of factors that contribute to how a relationship slowly becomes sexless over time. Here are a few common contributing factors, according to Brown-James and sex therapist Vanessa Marin, LMFT:

  • Neither person cares about sex that much
  • Being so busy that sex is deprioritized
  • Neglecting intimacy and pleasure in general
  • Conflict in the relationship that creates disconnection
  • Health challenges (e.g., sexual pain, dysfunction, aging-related changes, etc.)
  • One or both partners are asexual
  • One or both partners have experienced sexual trauma, making sex harder or less appealing
  • Mismatched libido or other forms of desire discrepancy

“There’s also so much misinformation out there about sex, and that can lead people to developing unhealthy relationships with it. For example, believing that sex should always be spontaneous,” Marin adds. “And sometimes couples find themselves in a sexless marriage and can’t even remember how they got there.”

Effects of a sexless relationship.

A sexless relationship will not necessarily harm the overall health of the relationship. “If both people are happy without sex (or infrequent sex), there is no problem. Like so much about our sex life, it’s a problem when it causes distress,” Zimmerman explains.

But she notes: If one or both people are unhappy with their sex life, it can cause negative feelings that can bubble up in other areas of their life and taint the rest of the relationship. When one or both people are unhappy with the sexlessness, she says some potential effects include:

  • Negative feelings like loneliness, resentment, frustration, guilt, rejection, and inadequacy
  • Negative feelings and pressure around sex, triggering a sexual avoidance cycle
  • Less openness and connection
  • Less goodwill and kindness
  • Less patience with each other

Is a sexless relationship healthy?

Yes, sexless relationships can absolutely be healthy. “Some people are perfectly happy without sex, so there is no problem. And even when sex is a problem, the rest of the relationship can be healthy,” says Zimmerman. It all depends on the couple, what each person’s individual needs are, and how they communicate and tend to each other’s needs.

“But if one or both people are unhappy, that will inevitably lead to a negative cycle and some spillover to the rest of their relationship,” she notes. “If the sex life isn’t ‘healthy,’ it doesn’t mean the whole relationship isn’t, but it can take a serious toll.”

Can a relationship survive without intimacy?

A relationship can survive without intimacy, and so can sexless relationships. But a relationship without intimacy is not exactly the same as a relationship without sex. Some people might not have a ton of sexual activity and don’t mind it all, especially if they have other types of intimacy like emotional intimacy and spiritual intimacy.

But if you have no types of intimacy whatsoever in the relationship, that’s a whole separate problem that may not necessarily be related to the lack of sex.

“A relationship without intimacy and passion that solely has commitment is called empty love,” Brown-James says, citing psychologist Robert Sternberg’s triangular theory of love. “These relationships can survive; however, partners might look more like roommates than lovers. There is one caveat where marriages without passion survive and thrive. Relationships where friendship and commitment are the base of connection survive and thrive when passion is absent.”

Should you stay in a sexless relationship?

Whether you should stay in a sexless relationship depends on how important sex is to you personally. “People who value sex also can stay in a sexless relationship and be happy,” Brown-James says. “While sex is one way to bring pleasure into a relationship, it’s not the only way and for some not the most important way to connect with one another. It’s really an individual choice whether a person wants to stay and something that takes an honest conversation with yourself about desire and sexual needs.”

The decision to stay in a sexless relationship also depends on how willing you both are to working on creating a mutually satisfying sex life together. Have you opened up a conversation about the state of your sex life together, and have both people put in active effort and care into solving this issue?

“If you are in a sexless relationship and feeling unsatisfied, there is reason to discuss your dissatisfaction with your partner and come up with solutions,” Brown-James says. “Parsing out exactly what you mean, expect, and want is integral to knowing if you want to stay or leave.”

It may not make sense for you to stay in a sexless relationship if any of the following are true for you, according to Zimmerman:

  1. Your partner refuses to work through this issue with you.
  2. Your relationship issues are so big that there are other reasons to divorce.
  3. Your sexual interests are so different that there are not ways to enjoy sex together, and you don’t agree to find another way to explore those interests.

(Here’s Zimmerman’s full guide to how to know when to walk away from a sexless marriage or relationship.)

“One of the things that can keep people stuck and not dealing with the issues is the belief that this means their relationship is doomed,” Zimmerman adds. “It doesn’t have to mean that, but if people don’t understand they can address the issues, they are likely to avoid the issue and doing anything to fix it.”

How to deal with a sexless relationship.

If you’re in a sexless relationship and really struggling to get your sex life to a place that feels good for both people, consider working with a sexuality professional. Oftentimes bringing in a supportive, impartial third party can help clear the air and set you on the right path.

Below are five more tips from Zimmerman, in her exact words:

1. Talk about it.

Have a different kind of conversation, one that is meant to get you working on it as a team, as allies, committed to a win/win. Most couples in this situation believe their interests are opposed (more sex/less sex), but it’s crucial to be working together on a sex life that works for both people. That has to come through in the conversations. And you have to keep the topic on the table, not just bring it up once a year.

2. Uncover the obstacles.

What’s gotten in the way of sex? Instead of anger that you aren’t getting what you want, cultivate curiosity about why this is a struggle for your partner. There are many things that can get in the way, including relationship issues, power dynamics, the meaning of sex in your relationship, the sex itself, etc. You need to identify what’s in the way and work together to change those aspects.

3. Develop a new paradigm.

Challenge expectations about sex. Learn how it works. Redefine it so it’s not attached to particular acts or outcomes. Create more flexibility around how you can share sexuality. Learn how sexual desire really works, and approach sex with openness to play rather than having specific metrics for success.

4. Approach sex as a “playground” without attachment to an outcome.

Rather than a binary yes/no (which so many people end up with), create room for “maybe.” Let’s get started and see what happens. Create those opportunities and enjoy them together, whether that results in “sex” the way you think of it or not. This is how you can take the pressure off—by learning to play and enjoy and create a way of engaging where there is no failure.

5. Prioritize it.

Schedule opportunities for this playground, this “maybe.” Make it a regular part of your life—to be physically intimate in some way, without pressure that it has to be any particular act(s). And keep talking!

How important is sex in a relationship?

How important sex is in a relationship will vary based on the couple and the individuals in it. In general, research shows sexual satisfaction is linked to overall relationship satisfaction, but that doesn’t necessarily mean more sex is better. One study in the Social Psychological and Personality journal found that adding more sex to a relationship stopped improving happiness after a certain point (about once a week), while other research has found people who don’t have sex are just as happy as people who have a lot of it.

“It’s so dependent on the couple!” Marin says. “For some couples, having sex once a year feels totally healthy. For other couples, having sex less than once a day doesn’t feel healthy! We each get to decide how important sex is to us individually, and how to balance those needs as a couple.”

For couples who do generally care about having a relatively active sex life, Zimmerman notes, “When sex is working well, it feels like 20% of the relationship—just one more aspect that’s working. But when it isn’t, it feels like 80% of the relationship, potentially overshadowing the other parts that may be working just fine.”

Just remember, it’s perfectly normal to not want to have sex with your partner sometimes, and ebbs and flows in sexual desire within a relationship are common. As long as there’s communication and a willingness to work together, relationships can survive these ups and downs without trouble.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Are You An Exhibitionist?

A Deep Dive Into The Sexual Kink

By Stephanie Barnes

Do you feel amazing, almost as if you’re being energized and excited, while standing naked under the gaze of a partner or someone you’re about to be intimate with? If the answer is yes, you could be into exhibitionism. Here, we explore and ultimately give you a better understanding of what it means to be an exhibitionist.

“Exhibitionism is when a person experiences sexual excitation from the fantasy of being observed naked or engaged in sexual activity, or from actually being observed while naked or engaged in sexual activity,” explains AASECT-certified sex therapist Indigo Stray Conger, LMFT, CST.

Importantly, this consensual kink is completely different and separate from the mental health condition known as exhibitionistic disorder, which involves deriving “recurrent and intense sexual arousal from the exposure of one’s genitals to an unsuspecting person, usually a stranger,” Stray Conger says. The key difference is in the lack of consent and the distress the person may feel about their own desires.

“Healthy exhibitionism is a sex-positive celebration of the erotic and should not be confused with exhibitionistic disorder,” she says.

The desire to incorporate being watched by others into sexual activity is an extremely common fantasy, Stray Conger says. According to Zhana Vrangalova, Ph.D., New York University professor of human sexuality and sexpert for LELO, a recent study showed that, “66% of men and 57% of women fantasize about having sex ‘openly in a public place,’ and 82% of both genders fantasize about having sex in an ‘unusual’ place, including offices, public toilets, etc.”

“Most of us have at least a little bit of an exhibitionist streak in us: This, like anything else in psychology, exists on a spectrum, and it is perfectly normal and healthy,” Vrangalova adds.

Though bringing that fantasy into reality is slightly less common, it still occurs frequently enough via the robust swinging or “lifestyle” community, says Stray-Conger.

Signs you might be into it:

1. You fantasize about being watched.

Perhaps one of the biggest indications that you’re into exhibitionism is that you find yourself regularly fantasizing about being watched. Whether alone or with a partner: “If a common theme to the fantasies that bring you to climax are about someone observing you naked or engaged in a sexual act,” then you might be an exhibitionist, says Stray Conger.

“If this fantasy is a core component to your erotic template, you might explore what it would be like to bring that fantasy into reality—with consenting adults and legal behavior, of course,” she says.

2. An early memory of your sexual self involves being observed.

If you have an early memory of being seen naked and recalling that memory as an adult evokes an erotic feeling for you, you could be an exhibitionist.

“Our erotic templates tend to be formed when young, and the first few times we experience ourselves as sexual beings may not be when we are involved in sexual acts. Those deepest memories of our erotic selves become an integral part of what turns us on and gets us off,” Stray Conger says.

3. You like the idea of getting into burlesque, stripping, or other sexy forms of culture.

“This is show-offy but also has the value for some of giving their exhibitionism a context. [Because some people] might only be comfortable with sexy…not sex,” says Carol Queen, Ph.D., sexologist with Good Vibrations.

4. You enjoy putting on a show for your partner.

Similar to being into the idea of stripping or burlesque, Queen says putting on a private show is another sign of exhibitionism. “Putting on a show for your partner—dancing, masturbating for them, etc.—isn’t just to entice and please them, though that’s nice and sexy. An exhibitionist will also find this very personally arousing,” she explains.

5. You dress sexy in order to pull attention.

Queen says this includes wearing tight or revealing clothes, costumes with some kink value, sexy lingerie, or really going over the top at Halloween. “Different people will find different outfits and garments sexy—there is no one type of clothing that all people would feel sexy in—so this part is definitely personal with diverse looks associated with it,” she notes. “But again, [it’s about] you drawing the eye, and feeling sexy about it.”

“Even if you’re not yet bringing these behaviors into sexually fueled situations, they are early signs that you love the feeling of people watching you,” adds Dainis Graveris, certified sex educator and relationship expert at SexualAlpha.

This isn’t gender-specific, Queen adds. “We often think of women as ‘objects of desire’ in this culture, and women are expected to dress and groom accordingly. That doesn’t mean they’re all turned on by it! And it doesn’t mean all other gender presentations have to sit this one out. Anyone can find this kind of play or fantasy enhancing, if they are into it in the first place.”

6. You love bringing your partner with you while shopping for lingerie.

In doing this, “your partner will feel sexually aroused, and you love seeing how they react to you showing off your body. A classic example of an exhibitionist and a voyeurist together,” says Graveris.

Exhibitionism vs. voyeurism.

Exhibitionism and voyeurism actually go hand-in-hand, Vrangalova says.

“Exhibitionism and voyeurism are like two sides of a coin. Exhibitionism is about the possibility of being seen by others being arousing, while voyeurism is about watching others naked or having sex being arousing,” she tells mbg. “Like exhibitionism, voyeurism is quite common (visual sexual stimuli is inherently arousing), and perfectly normal as long as it involves consenting adults.”

Like with exhibitionism, consent is key to voyeurism and making the two kinks function well together.

“As a voyeur, I’ve had to learn how to respectfully enjoy the excitement and pleasure of someone that wants to be seen, especially in intimate settings during any group play or kink scenes,” says Tiana GlittersaurusRex, polyamorous educator and co-founder of The Sex Work Survival Guide. “Watching verbal and nonverbal cues, how their bodies react or move, and knowing my attention is an additional form of participation is what makes the delicate dance of watcher and watched all the more titillating. The entertainment industry is worth billions because we live in a society that has people that love to perform and the fans that love to ogle.”

Tips and tricks to explore your exhibitionist side:

Start in the realm of fantasy before introducing the real thing.

Before diving in, Stray Conger encourages open and honest conversations about what you want when it comes to your exploration of exhibitionism, especially with any sexual partners you might be engaging with.

“Talk about what sex would be like if others were watching. Discuss different scenarios and what would be most arousing,” she says. “Then bring those fantasies into the bedroom while having sex, imagining that what you have already talked about is actually playing out. If that’s arousing for you and your partner, you might discuss what it would take to make those fantasies real. Discuss whether that is something you both want to do, or if the fantasy is enough.”

Add sexy garments or a striptease element to removing your clothes.

“Let the garments play up what you feel sexiest about, or cover ‘body image areas’ so you feel sexier than usual, or help you bring a role or identity to life,” Queen suggests. “You’ll probably care about whether someone else will find your outfit sexy—but much more important is what you feel sexy wearing.”

Keep the lights on and put on a show.

If you’re seeking the exhibitionistic thrill, then it might be a little harder to do so in the dark. Queens recommends keeping the lights on, getting on top, and putting on a show.

“Be showy, ask your partner to look at you, move, be a tease. Put on an erotic show for your partner; tease, masturbate, etc.,” she says.

Try mutual masturbation.

Queen also recommends trying mutual masturbation, which is when two partners masturbate at the same time, enjoying self-pleasure while watching each other get off. “I love suggesting that both partners masturbate and watch at the same time,” she says. “Just get on either end of the bed and make sure the lights aren’t too dim.”

Try a sex party or group sex scenario.

Once you’ve covered the bases of communication and you’ve incorporated a bit of your exhibitionistic fantasies into the bedroom, then it might be time to take things up a notch.

“Explore a sex party or swingers gathering. Again, choose an appropriate scenario, even if you were just talking about something over-the-top like having sex in the municipal pool. Don’t get in trouble out there, and don’t (as Queen Victoria reportedly said) ‘do it in the street and frighten the horses,'” Queens says.

This could also lead to more intense orgasms or an overall better experience when you do make it back into the bedroom at the end of the night.

The bottom line.

So, now that you have a better understanding of consensual exhibitionism and what it means to be an exhibitionist, what are you going to do with it? The truth is, you don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with.

“If you think you wouldn’t be brave enough to try exhibitionism or worry you wouldn’t like it in real life, that’s OK. A lot of our fantasies live in our minds and bring us plenty of joy without turning them into reality. That doesn’t mean you’re not an exhibitionist at heart,” says Stray Conger.

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Porn for Women

— 15 Feminist Porn Sites You’ll Really, Really Enjoy

By martinerobert

Many women watch pornography, but for a long time they found it impossible to find it. For women.. There’s a lot of feminist porn out there these days, but it can be a little tricky to find. Many free sites often feel like they have to watch videos of people who are corrupting, insulting, and violating women one after another (and pop-ups one after another).

Hot masturbation material (or feed) Favorite foreplay tips) You shouldn’t come at the expense of feeling like an object (a valid turn-on that you can still experience in a feminist way, unless it’s something you’re looking for in particular).

Keep in mind that many of the best porn for women are not free, but many of the free porn are not ethically created.Not only is paying for feminist porn more secure for your computer, it makes the whole industry More female friendly— For performers And Audience.

Here are some feminist porn sites to check if you’re looking for women’s empowerment, mutually respectful sex, and lots of content to help you get off.

Cindy Gallop created this site Showing real sex among real people, not an actor doing something that doesn’t show how sex happens in IRL. Couples submit videos of themselves having sex. “Real-world sex is glorious, stupid, beautiful, messy, and encouraging humanity. You can borrow it for $ 5 and half the money goes to the stars themselves.” We are not pornography. — Porn is a performance (often a very tasty performance, but still a performance). “We are not” amateurs. ” Only experts do it right, and the rest of us are ridiculous idiots. (Honey, please.) “We love that attitude, and these videos.

This award-winning queer porn site is “Genuine Queer Porn, Lesbian, Fam on Fam, Boy, Stud, Genderqueer and Trans Man Performers, Trans Women, Trans Men, Queer Men and Women in Real Queer Engaged in sexuality “. You can become a member for $ 9.99 to $ 25 per month (all videos can be streamed).

Erika Lust, a filmmaker who explains why porn becomes a feminist This amazing TED talkProvides porn videos primarily produced by female directors, showing all of “intimacy, love and desire in sex”. “Women’s perspective is essential and aesthetics is a pleasure for all senses. Eroticism and innovation are celebrated.” She also embraced the viewer’s “confessions” and turned them into videos in her XConfessions series. I will.You can see the last piece $ 16.66 to $ 34.95 per month..

Instead of the standard video format, the site features GIFs for quick and free consumption of “obvious desires, uncontrollable passion, and body-positive eroticism.” We also provide sex toy reviews, NSFW coloring books, and other resources. Sex Educator El Chase..

The “female-friendly” section of mainstream porn sites is often just a testament to how low our standards are. Everything that a woman feels genuine joy in, even if the overall image is clearly aimed at heterosexuals, tends to be categorized in this way. But Dean Jones videos are some of the best options you can find in this category. They are sensual, romantic and focus on the women involved (although they tend to have shots that remain on the male body as well). You can become a member for about $ 20 to $ 30 a month, but many videos are free.

The female-run indie porn revolution (formerly known as nofauxxx.com) involved diverse actors, showed safe sex (rare in pornography), and was frequently typecast in non-stereotyped roles. I’m working on casting people. Membership ranges from $ 16.67 to $ 20 per month.

The filmmaker behind the production company, Ms. Naughty, deliberately tried to show all the good things we love about sex: intimacy, laughter, connection, and true joy. We call it “an attempt to do”. The video has a hot and sultry side as well as the stupid and annoying side of sex.You can because the camera zooms in on the man as well as the woman and the scene focuses on the accumulation of sexual tension that the couple experiences before sex feel The fever goes up. To see beyond the preview, you must pay $ 28.22 in the first month and then $ 12.24 in the following months.

When you hear enough of fake porn moans, you may wonder what it actually sounds like when a real person is masturbating or having sex. Fortunately, this site clears it all. Listen to dozens of audio recordings of masturbation sessions for absolutely free. Some include dirty talk aimed at delighting the listener, while others include an interesting attempt to back-calculate from 100 to 0.

Good Vibrations, a feminist sex toy store, strives to meet the diverse needs of women. That video collection It is no exception. You can find especially feminist porn, movies for women, and even sex education guides. This is very necessary in a world where so many people learn everything they know from pretty unrealistic pornography. You can pay every minute or rent each video for $ 5 to $ 10.

At Bellesa, women have easy access to sexual content that is faithful to how they see themselves, not as an object of conquest, but as an object of joy. But it’s not just pornography. These are platforms aimed at women satisfying their desires, sharing intimate and erotic stories, and joining communities with other like-minded women who are free to express their sexuality on the Internet. If you want to try an erotica story, you can send content here or browse feminine-friendly porn, whether you’re looking for something sensual, passionate, or even a little rough.

The app, founded by this woman, aims to create uplifting feminist audio. This allows you to find a sexy story in any situation. You can search for audio porn and listen to it alone in bed. Solo session; the perfect story to listen to before a date and get into a frivolous headspace. Even the erotic stories you deserve to hear at home while commuting can help you switch off from a day in the office. Dipsey’s story features a wide range of tastes, perspectives and interests, and is full of enthusiastic content that is fun, safe and prioritizes the joy of women. You can subscribe for $ 47.99 a year, which is less than $ 4 a month.

Sexuality is a spectrum and the best porn should reflect that. SPIT’s queer porn collection is nailed to two levels, introducing different types of content (videos, photos, erotica) and different experiences. Its content is ethically developed and the company is dedicated to creating a consensual, impartial, intersecting feminist space in the sex industry. That’s definitely a big reason to join for $ 19.65 a month.

Reddit isn’t necessarily the most friendly place for women, but you can find women posting their favorite adult videos for women on r / chickfixxx subreddit. You can also make a request. If your tastes are more specific, or if you’re looking for a particular type of video, it may be easier to ask your fellow sex part here than to watch for hours. You are welcome.

For artistic porn (yes, it’s a thing and it’s great), check out A Four Chambered Heart’s photos and short films. Not surprisingly, some still images are good enough to hang on a wall. You can hang it on the wall as long as you’re not too busy.

The images and sounds are great, but sometimes nothing is better than reading a good old erotica. But Literotica is not your grandma’s scandalous paperback. Free resources offer some of the hottest erotic fiction and fantasy on the internet from different authors and perspectives. The stories presented here are very useful because of the high standards of the story.

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Leather and Aging

by

Let me begin this column with what some might consider a five-letter word that’s taboo: A-G-I-N-G. I’ve been thinking a fair amount about aging lately, especially as it relates to the leather/BDSM/fetish community.

I have written in this column about leather and aging before (in 2001, 2002, and 2007). But two things have prompted me to revisit the topic. One thing was a conversation I had with several other people at the last in-person leather event I attended in 2020. That was the Mr. Twin Cities Leather contest, the evening of Saturday, Feb. 15th. During conversation after that contest, several people were talking about starting a discussion group for leatherfolk of a certain age. “I’m interested,” I said, “please let me know when it gets going.” And then . . . well, we all know what happened next.

The other thing that has prompted me to think about leather and aging was Patrick Scully’s recent virtual show, “The 3rd Act,” presented by Illusion Theater. In this play Scully asks himself: “Can I embrace becoming old, particularly in this ageist society?” Both Scully’s play and the virtual audience discussion that followed were extremely interesting and thought-provoking. Scully talked about the play as something of a work in progress. If he presents it again, I highly recommend going to see it, whatever your age. (At this writing, a video of the virtual audience discussion is still available online at www.illusiontheater.org/the-3rd-act )

Having hung around the leather/BDSM/fetish community for quite a few years, I have seen a lot of what makes this community tick. One thing that makes it tick is respect for age and experience. This respect is, to a great extent, baked into leather culture— the importance and centrality of mentoring in our community’s culture translates to respect for age and experience.

Those of us who are older, including your humble columnist, still have to deal with ageism in other places. But it’s nice to know that in leather we have to deal with it less.

In some ways age is irrelevant in this community—or, at least, age is not as important as other qualities and aspects of peoples’ character. Young, old, and in-between are all respected and accommodated. One interesting thing about leather is that it decouples chronological age and age in the community, also known as experience. A person who might still be considered young chronologically, but who has been in the community for a long time, may mentor a newcomer who is chronologically older. And that’s no big deal—it’s just the way the community and the culture works.

I think elders are respected more in the leather community than in the general culture. We respect our elders for their stories, their wisdom, their experience, their history, and their perseverance. We seek out our more experienced members for discussion panels and for educational presentations on history, culture, and technique. Many younger members of the community truly understand that they have benefited from their elders’ efforts of blazing new trails. We leatherfolk might have something to teach the general culture about anti-ageism.

Here’s a concrete example of anti-ageism in the leather/BDSM/fetish community: I once attended a workshop on the subject of “geriatric dungeons.” First, the fact that “geriatric dungeons” were even being talked about lends credence to the fact that getting older does not have to mean giving up sexual activity or BDSM activity. Second, talking about “geriatric dungeons” is a mark of respect for older members of the community—the community values them enough to want to include them in dungeon play, and the community is willing to adapt dungeon spaces to make this possible. Third, one of the conclusions of the workshop was that creating dungeons that worked better for more mature players actually meant creating dungeons that worked better for everyone, of any age.

Another example of leather respect for maturity: The Knights of Leather, a Twin Cities- based leather club, hosts an annual run called Tournament. The run is held in a beautiful rustic setting. But some of us who once enjoyed “roughing it” by sleeping in rustic cabins are no longer able to do that.

So for many years Tournament has featured the Elderhostel guest house for some of the more mature people attending the run. For these more mature people, the amenities provided by the Elderhostel make the difference between being able to keep attending Tournament and having to give it up. The existence of the Elderhostel also considerably broadens the age range of people seen at Tournament. Here is one measure of the Elderhostel’s success: There is a waiting list to get in.

The same respect for maturity is evident at leather contests. Every year, for example, the contestants at the International Mr. Leather and International Mr. Bootblack (IML/ IMBB) contests represent a wide range of ages. And I think it’s significant that both the first IML titleholder (David Kloss, IML 1979) and the first International Ms Leather titleholder (Judy Tallwing McCarthy, IMsL 1987) are still relevant and still respected. (I recently saw a virtual presentation by the Leather Archives & Museum in which Tallwing McCarthy shared reminiscences. It was fascinating!) And there are other examples of titleholders from many contests who have stayed involved and relevant in the leather/ BDSM/fetish community over many years.

For my final, and perhaps most personal, example of age being respected in leather, I need look no further than the former leather columnist for the Bay Area Reporter in San Francisco, the legendary Mr. Marcus. He started writing his leather column in 1971 and continued writing his column, and judging leather contests, for the next 38 years. He was still active and relevant when he died in 2009 at age 77.

Everyone is growing older—all the time. May we all, of whatever age, have the blessing of growing older and still staying relevant and respected.

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What Does Sex Positive Mean?

Here’s How Experts Explain It

Being sex positive can actually be really good for your health.

By Colleen Murphy

If you’ve been watching The Bachelorette at all this season, there’s a term you’ve likely heard over and over again: sex positive. Several of the men competing on the show have used “sex positive” to describe the current bachelorette, 30-year-old Katie Thurston, who is known for being super comfortable talking about sex.

Even if you don’t watch The Bachelorette, you might be hearing the phrase “sex positive” pop up elsewhere. That includes Twitter, as people are making jokes about turning this season into a drinking game: Whenever anybody says “sex positive,” take a drink.

But what exactly does it mean to be sex positive? Here’s how experts explain it.

What does ‘sex positive’ mean?

Someone who is sex positive is open to learning more about their own body, other people’s bodies, as well as consent, intimacy, and how to communicate about sex topics, Rachel Needle, PsyD, a psychologist in West Palm Beach, Florida, and the co-director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes, a company that trains couples and sex therapists around the world, tells Health.

It also means they’re open to embracing and exploring their own sexuality and that of others-including sexual behavior, gender, sexual identity, and anatomy-in a respectful, non-judgmental way without shame.

But sex positivity doesn’t only have to do with sex-positive experiences and ideas. Theo Burnes, PhD, a psychologist practicing in Los Angeles and the director of clinical training at Antioch University in California, tells Health that sex positivity can also be about fighting for people who work in the sex industry, making sure they have equal rights and that their work is decriminalized. It can include advocating for accurate sex education that is not abstinence-only or fear-based. Sex positivity can also focus on understanding sex in the media-and that sexualized pornography, movies, or ads tend to portray some types of people yet leaves other out.

Being sex positive can also mean being the person a friend can come out to or go to with “their own fears, their own internalized stigma, sometimes their own shame,” Burnes says. Someone might call you, as a sex positive person, and say, “I’m really nervous about trying this new experience with my partner and I want to talk to somebody about it,” he explains.

What sex positivity isn’t

“Being sex positive doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re having an increased frequency of sexual behavior, or sexual encounters, or sexual arousal, but it does mean that you have an openness and a non-judgmental attitude toward engaging in sex, talking about sex, being open to other people talking about sex,” says Burnes.

Being sex positive also doesn’t mean you disregard the need for consent, Rosara Torrisi, PhD, certified sex therapist and director of The Long Island Institute of Sex Therapy, tells Health. “It’s not about encouraging folks to have a certain sexual orientation, minimum or maximum number of partners, or engage in certain behaviors during sex,” she says. “Expectations and pressure for anything about sexuality is inherently anti-sex positivity.” Consent is always a must.

Why is sex positivity talked about more these days?

Sex positivity isn’t just a concept that people identify with-it’s also a political and social movement.

“One of the things that really started that movement is this idea that sexuality has been often talked about as secretive, shameful, unhealthy, and that being overtly sexual in any kind of way-whether that’s talking about it, whether that’s having conversations about it-is problematic,” Burnes says. “And so the [sex positive] movement basically tries to say, ‘Hey, wait a second, this is a part of our normative development. And it’s not necessarily unhealthy or shameful, but having these conversations, doing exploration with sex when consent and trust and communication are part of the sexual process, is not wrong or unhealthy.'”

It’s a movement that’s been around for a long time. Recently, however, celebrities like Lady Gaga, Amber Rose, Jessica Biel, and Lizzo have spurred more conversations about sex positivity after speaking publicly about their experiences with slut shaming, sexuality, sexual assault, body acceptance, and sexual health and responsibility, Burnes explains. And yes, even The Bachelorette has expanded this trend.

“It wasn’t some agenda that I had coming on to the show. It’s just who I am and who I’ve been this whole time,” Thurston said on the podcast Bachelor Happy Hour earlier this year, after viewers were first introduced to her sex positive attitude when she was a contestant on The Bachelor. “It wasn’t until after the fact that I realized how big of a deal it was-which excites me, because I do believe it’s 2021, and women should be comfortable talking about their sexuality.”

“I appreciate being comfortable being able to talk about it,” Thurston continued. “Hopefully that means other women will soon start to open up a little bit, because being sex positive is important in a relationship, [the relationship you have with] yourself, in your self-care, and so many different things, especially in this [ongoing COVID-19] pandemic.”

Sex positivity has real health benefits

Being sex positive is “actually quite healthy and has been endorsed by a variety of organizations, like the World Health Organization (WHO),” according to Burnes. In fact, the WHO says that “a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships” is paramount to sexual health.

“When we are sex positive we are more sexually healthy,” Needle points out. “To many, being sexually healthy includes being comfortable with your own sexuality and making decisions related to and communicating about it.” Being sexually healthy can also mean enjoying sexual pleasure, having access to health care (including reproductive health care), having better communication skills with our partner(s) so that we are more likely to get what we want and need, and knowing how to avoid unintended pregnancy and minimize the risk of sexually transmitted infections (and accessing treatment if needed).

Having sex positive views can enhance your mental well-being too, according to Burnes. “That can mean decreased amounts of feelings of isolation, which can lead to things like depression and anxiety, [as well as a] decrease in shame and stigma, which can also lead to building resilience,” he says. When we eradicate ourselves from stigma and shame, he adds, we often demonstrate better health-related behaviors.

How can you become more sex positive?

First, know that anyone can be sex positive. “Sex positivity has little to do with what your sexual behaviors, identities, etc. are and much more about your perspective about sexuality,” Torrisi says. “It doesn’t matter if you’ve had sex with only yourself, a million people, or no one. Sex positivity is a set of values that is inclusive and nurturing of your own and others’ sexuality. It’s not just for polyamorous and kinky folks.”

As a whole, the US “has improved its understanding of sexual consent, pleasure, functioning, identity, orientation, behaviors, and expression,” according to Torrisi. But there’s still work to be done. “We’re still grappling with dual realities about sex in this country,” she says. “We are on one hand obsessed with sexuality, and on the other hand we are terrified of sexuality. Either end of this spectrum isn’t sex positivity. Recognizing the nuances, the lived realities of billions of individuals, each with their own valid truths, now that’s sex positivity.” 

It also helps to recognize the culture many Americans were raised in, “where we’re constantly bombarded with images that sex is something we should think about, but never talk about,” as Burnes puts it. Next, he suggests thinking about whether you want to see a therapist, read some books, or visit different websites to help you navigate what being sex positive will look like for you.

“Being sex positive doesn’t necessarily mean that [you’re] going to go and have certain sexual encounters-although if that’s something that someone wants to do, that’s great and awesome, as long as they’re safe, consensual and communicative,” Burnes says. Instead, he says, it can simply mean being more open to other people’s and your own sexual curiosity and experiences.

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Teach Your Tweens About Sex With These 10 Helpful Books

Do you remember the first time you learned about the birds and the bees? Talking about sex can be awkward as a kid and as a parent, but it’s so important. The American Academy of Pediatrics says you should talk to your kids about sex “early and often.” Some of these conversations can include talking about what sex is, what sexual orientations are, STDs, and when to know it’s the right time to have sex. It’s much better for them to learn about healthy, safe sex practices from you than from their friends!In addition to talking to your tweens, you can also provide them with some helpful, informative, and entertaining books about sex, consent, and intimacy designed just for them. My mom did this for me, and it was so much better to read about sex, then ask her questions later. Discover 10 best books about sex for tweens ahead.

The Best Books About Sex For TweensBy Sydni Ellis

1 30 Days of Sex Talks for Ages 12+

30 Days of Sex Talks for Ages 12+

Too much sex talk at once can be overwhelming, so 30 Days of Sex Talks for Ages 12+ ($19) by Educate and Empower Kids makes it easy. This book breaks down different topics into 30 digestible chunks, covering everything from emotional intimacy to consent.

2 Consent: The New Rules of Sex Education

Consent: The New Rules of Sex Education

One of the most important topics your tween can learn is consent. Consent: The New Rules of Sex Education ($12) by Jennifer Lang, M.D., answers questions about dating, relationships, consent, and sexual safety. It features a frank, compassionate, evidence-based approach to anatomy, communication, sexual identities and orientations, and more from a board-certified OB/GYN.

3 It’s Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health

It's Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health

4 Sex, Puberty, and All That Stuff: A Guide to Growing Up

Sex, Puberty, and All That Stuff: A Guide to Growing Up

Sex, Puberty, and All That Stuff: A Guide to Growing Up ($15) by Jacqui Bailey talks about different changes that boys and girls can expect. The book also features open discussions on genitals, menstruation, sex, condoms, contraception, STDs, and pregnancy.

5 Asking About Sex & Growing Up: A Question-And-Answer Book for Kids

Asking About Sex & Growing Up: A Question-And-Answer Book for Kids

6 In Case You’re Curious: Questions About Sex from Young People with Answers from the Experts

In Case You’re Curious: Questions About Sex from Young People with Answers from the Experts

7 100 Questions You’d Never Ask Your Parents

100 Questions You’d Never Ask Your Parents

Talking to your parents about sex is hard enough, but imagine trying to get details about orgasms and oral sex? 100 Questions You’d Never Ask Your Parents ($13) by Elisabeth Henderson and Nancy Armstrong is the perfect solution. This book features frank, accurate, and fun discussions on everything from buying condoms to the G-spot.

8 Sex: An Uncensored Introduction

Sex: An Uncensored Introduction

Let’s talk about sex, baby! Sex: An Uncensored Introduction ($10) by Nikol Hasler is an uncensored guide to sexual orientation, masturbation, first-time concerns, birth control, protection, and so much more.

9 S.E.X.: The All-You-Need-To-Know Sexuality Guide to Get you Through Your Teens and Twenties

S.E.X.: The All-You-Need-To-Know Sexuality Guide to Get you Through Your Teens and Twenties

10 The Pride Guide: A Guide to Sexual and Social Health for LGBTQ Youth

The Pride Guide: A Guide to Sexual and Social Health for LGBTQ Youth

Even if your tween doesn’t identify as LBGTQ+, it’s still a good idea to get them The Pride Guide: A Guide to Sexual and Social Health for LGBTQ Youth ($36) by Jo Langford to understand LGBTQ+ identities and what sex, dating, relationships, puberty, and safety are like for these youths. This is a fun, factual guide that is also helpful for parents!

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