Month: April 2021

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How to have sex outside

— plus, the best positions for outdoor fun

Have fun and exciting outdoor sex, with these expert top tips

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Ever considered embracing the fresh air and having sex outdoors? You’re not alone. According to Google, searches for alfresco sex jumped to new heights in 2020, particularly in May. Perhaps the arrival of spring elicits new feelings of friskiness, but it’s worth noting that people enjoy having sex outside for many different reasons. 

If you’re already tried all the best vibrators, experimented with bondage or indulged in your sexual fantasies, sex outdoors could be a new and exciting experience for you and your partner. For some, the risk of being caught is the biggest pull. For others, sex outside could simply be a more logistically sound option than hooking up at home where privacy might be a luxury. But, for many, it’s a fun new way to mix up their sex life. 

“Fresh air and sunshine make us feel great, so it’s easy to see how a walk in the park could turn into a romp in the bushes,” says Renèe, a sex expert at Sh! Women’s Store. “The thrill of getting caught adds an extra frizz, and if you’re a person with an adventurous streak, outdoor sex might be on your sexual bucket list. For most couples, though, it’s a case of getting carried away.” 

Whatever the reason, you should be fully prepared if you want to have great sex outdoors. 

1. Have the conversation 

First things first, open up the idea of sex outside with your partner. “This conversation is best had when you’re both sharing fantasies and talking about sexy things you’d like to try together. You could say something like: ‘I’ve always wanted to try sex outdoors’ and see how they react,” says Renèe. “Don’t take it personally if they’re not immediately jumping on the idea; they might need some time to think about it. You want them to be as keen as you are, so give them time to mull it over and fantasize about it.”

You should also both discuss the possible outcomes of your outdoor fun. In most US states, public sex is a misdemeanor crime. Some state laws explicitly criminalize public sexual activity whereas elsewhere, laws are broader and cover a variety of indecent acts in a public setting, not limited to sex and sex acts. Most states carry a sentence of up to one year in prison and a fine if you’re arrested. But then again, depending on which state you’re in, loopholes exist such as having sex in a car which technically isn’t a public place.

In the UK if you’re caught having sex outside you could be charged with a sexual offense and added to the list of registered sexual offenders, says Julia Margo, Co-Founder of Hot Octopuss.

Wherever you are, brush up on the laws in your area and discuss these with your partner.

2. Pick the right spot

Outdoor sex is exhilarating, whether you’re spicing up a sexless marriage or just want to try something new with your partner, but finding the right spot to have public sex is key.

A secluded area where you won’t be disturbed is the best bet, but sex writer Andy Jones offers a happy medium for beginners. “If you’re new to outdoor romance, start small,” he says. “The best place to make your outdoor sex debut is your car. It basically has a bed, music and – if you dim them – some ambient lighting. Positions are fairly limited, but you can afford to go slow, you’ll never get cold and you can make a quick escape if you need to.”

Alternatively, if you’re ready to embrace the wilderness, consider where might be the best type of outdoor spot for you and your partner. “Best practice is to choose an area with little to no foot traffic,” says Julia. “That can be an abandoned building, a hiking trail – avoid high traffic times like weekends – or even a community garden, after hours, of course.”

3. Be mindful of personal safety

Whether with a long-term partner or a new love interest, outdoor sex comes with personal safety risks.

During sex, we make ourselves vulnerable, so it’s important to consider you and your partner’s safety before you get started. Be aware of how safe the area is, especially after dark. It’s also best not to be under the influence when you’re having sex outside for the first time, especially with a new partner, as this can compromise your judgment and reactions.

Some people who enjoy outdoor sex take part in dogging or cruising, the act of meeting other people, sometimes strangers they’ve met on sex apps, to have sex outdoors or in cars at specific locations. If you’d like to try it out for yourself, it’s not advised to attend these meet-ups on your own. Personal safety shouldn’t have to be an issue when exploring your sexuality, but unfortunately, women are statistically at greater risk of assault or violence than men when visiting dogging sites, so it’s best to take someone along with you or drop your location to a friend and have them wait for you nearby.

4. Be prepared

Dress to get undressed and then to get dressed again quickly. Easy access is the key when planning an outdoor adventure. Consider the effectiveness of skirts and dresses over the likes of one-pieces or pantyhose and opt for layers that you can slip back on should you need to dress again in a hurry. “Logistics-wise, regardless of gender, a skirt will make downstairs activity more accessible for everyone,” says Julia. “Ditch the underwear in advance and bring a plastic bag, or better yet, a reusable container, for responsibly transporting used condoms and toys home with you.”

If going commando isn’t your thing, there are other options to make sex outdoors more accessible. “Crotchless panties were made for outdoor sex,” says Renèe.

It’s a good idea to bring food and drink along for refueling after a sexy outdoor session, but a picnic also works well as a cover. After all, who would suspect innocent picnickers of anything untoward? “Always take a picnic and a blanket,” says Andy. “It gives you at least half a reason to be there if you are spotted and, if you pack champagne and strawberries it can only add to the romance. The blanket is essential for providing cover in an emergency, but it also provides protection against snagged knees and ricked backs. If you’re being really thorough with your cover story, binoculars can help you spot if people are coming but also make it look like you are on a nature trail.”

While you might be nervous about getting caught and keen to get straight to it, consider how teasing and kissing can elevate the mood. Slowly building up to something that’s considered slightly taboo will not only make it seem more physically exciting but will stimulate you mentally, too. Try telling your partner what you plan to do and use your hands and toys while things heat up. Oral sex up against a tree or lying in long grass can be great but it’s worth bearing in mind that if you’re spotted, this can be highly offensive for onlookers. Again, easy access clothing is the key here and with the right outfit, using hands, tongues and toys becomes much easier.

“Be prepared to adjust what you are normally into,” says Andy. “For example, spooning together in the long grass can work well but if you pick a location that’s too public, ‘from behind’ is bound to get you noticed.” Sex outside, especially if it’s your debut, isn’t the ideal moment to try something new and what you can get away with really depends on how private you can be in the spot you’ve chosen.

“The best sex positions for sex outside allow you to get up and away easily. A seated cowgirl is good if you come across a bench. Standing against a tree is a classic and a standing doggy-style also works really well,” says Renèe.

If standing up isn’t an option, perhaps because of height differences or leg pain, finding a spot among the bushes or long grass is a winning combination with a simple missionary or cowgirl position.

Above all, when it comes to sex outside remember to relax, enjoy yourself and have fun with it. Now you know all the rules and every trick in the book, you can embrace your ecosexual side with no problems.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Masturbating Can Help You Cope With Anxiety

— Seriously

By Jessica Zucker

Rita M., a 20-year-old social work student living in Seattle, Washington, used to masturbate three to five times a week. But as with everything else, during a global pandemic, self-pleasure has been hard to come by. She’s not alone in finding it more difficult to engage in this form of self-care. And yet, the benefits of masturbation may actually come in more handy than ever. Tending to ourselves is one step in navigating a new normal.

“It has been more difficult to be ‘in the mood’ because, in my head, I ask myself, ‘Why is masturbation something I’m thinking about when there’s a pandemic happening in my backyard?” Rita tells InStyle. Witnessing enormous struggles and injustices by vulnerable populations dominates my mind. Masturbation gets brushed aside and distress consumes me.”

There’s no doubt that coronavirus and it’s ripple-out effects — the obvious fear and worry, the restricted human interaction — have had negative impacts on people’s mental health. Back in March, 45% of Americans reported the virus had taken a toll on their emotional wellbeing, and according to a Kaiser Family Foundation poll, the number of people who are experiencing anxiety and depression has spiked as a result of the pandemic.

More than ever, it’s vital that we try to prioritize taking good care of ourselves as best we can — a call to action that, while necessary, can be difficult to heed. The irony, of course, is that pleasuring oneself is a form of self-care that could help.

“In the midst of a collective trauma response, all of our nervous systems are on high alert for danger,” Megan Fleming, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and instructor of psychology at Weill Cornell Medical College of Cornell University specializing in sex and relationships, tells InStyle. “The good news is that masturbation can act as a reset button. It tells your brain that things are OK, that you can breathe and relax. And from a more relaxed state, energy can again be expansive and you can have access to the best parts of you to make decisions and be more creative.”

“This is why pleasure practices, including masturbation, are non-negotiable, especially in times like this,” Fleming continues. “It may seem counterintuitive to prioritize pleasure right now, but it’s highly beneficial. However paradoxical it may seem, refueling your own tank and engaging in activities that prioritize your pleasure can make for meaningful differences for you and those you’re quarantined with.”

And for those who are living alone, masturbation can double as a way of combating feelings of loneliness and isolation. At a time when being intimate with someone who does not live with us is not an option, masturbation can be the only safe way to feel sexually connected to ourselves and others. As stated in the New York City Health Department’s advisory for safe sex during the coronavirus, “you are your safest sex partner.”

“An upside to physical isolation is that it has emboldened me to engage in virtual mutual masturbation, something I had not done in person or over video before,” Jennifer A., a 23-year-old living in Halifax, Nova Scotia, tells InStyle. “Having connected with my partner only shortly before we all began socially isolating, the pandemic is pushing me to be vulnerable and cultivate trust by sharing my experience of pleasuring myself virtually.”

Jennifer says that masturbating not only helps her stay connected with her partner during a time of physical separation, but grounds her in the moment and offers her a sense of routine and normalcy in the midst of so much upheaval and uncertainty. “It is also a time and space in which I am in control, which helps mitigate the stress associated with a loss of agency,” she continues.

The stress-relieving benefits of masturbation have been well documented — studies have shown that the release of oxytocin, the “love hormone,” through touch is health-promoting; that masturbation can improve one’s overall self-esteem and body image; the release of endorphins through orgasm can fend off depression. So at a time when we cannot be as active as we’d like, are unable to benefit from a wide variety of interpersonal relationships, and are inundated by stress and anxiety, taking the time to masturbate is not only a purposeful acknowledgment that we deserve to feel good at a time of so much duress, but a way to mitigate the negative impact this pandemic is having on our mental health.

“Mindfulness incorporated with self-pleasure and exploration can help people become more in touch with their bodies in a non-judgmental way, and give them a space to experience physical and emotional pleasure in a time when fear is the predominant feeling,” Madeline Cooper, a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist who specializes in sexual health and relationship issues, tells InStyle.

“I encourage my clients to explore their bodies while first focusing on their breathing, and then focusing on the temperature, pressure, and texture of their touch,” she explains. “This is based on a couples exercise called ‘Sensate Focus’ that sex therapists utilize to reduce intimacy anxiety, but has been shown to be beneficial when individuals use similar techniques on their own. It allows people to direct their attention to their own, dependable experience, especially during a time when there is a lack of control of external circumstances.”

While the country begins to re-open (and in some places, re-shut down), so much remains unknown about what the future looks like. But in the face of so much uncertainty, it can be beneficial to look inward, focus on ourselves, and give ourselves the permission to and benefits of simply feeling good, even if only momentarily. Whether it be with a partner, virtually, or alone, masturbation can be a way for us to stay connected to those we love but cannot touch, and, more importantly, stay connected to ourselves.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Beginner’s Guide To Relationship Anarchy

— Examples & How To Practice

By Kesiena Boom, M.S.

In 2020, viewing monogamy as the only way to successfully conduct a relationship seems a little passé. Growing numbers of people are living nonmonogamous lifestyles. In fact, a 2017 study found at least one in five people have engaged in some form of consensual non-monogamy before. One approach to living a nonmonogamous lifestyle can be to adopt a philosophy of relationship anarchy.

Relationship anarchy is a way of approaching relationships that rejects any rules and expectations other than the ones the involved people agree on. This approach “encourages people to let their core values guide how they choose and craft their relationship commitments rather than relying on social norms to dictate what is right for you,” Dedeker Winston, relationship coach and co-host of the podcast Multiamory, tells mbg.

People who practice relationship anarchy, sometimes abbreviated as RA, are beholden to themselves and only themselves when it comes to choosing who they conduct sexual or romantic relationships with and how they do it. Relationship anarchists look to form relationships with people that are based entirely on needs, wants, and desires rather than on socially mandated labels and expectations. Some central tenets of relationship anarchy are freedom, communication, and nonhierarchy.

An RA mindset also seeks to dissolve the strict divides between platonic friendship and sexual or romantic love that exist in wider society. Practitioners of relationship anarchy see it as superfluous at best and harmful at worst to rank relationships in order of importance according to the presence of sex or romantic love, and they reject the prioritization of romance above friendship and the elevation of the monogamous couple above all else. (The poem “On Leaving the Bachelorette Brunch” by Rachel Wetzsteon puts that philosophy into art.)

The relationship anarchy manifesto.

The term “relationship anarchy” was originally coined by Andie Nordgren, who published an instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy in a pamphlet in 2006. Nordgren outlines the following principles to guide you through a relationship anarchist life:

1. Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique.

Love is not a limited resource. You can love multiple people without it detracting from the love that you feel for each of them. Every relationship that you have is an entirely new creation between its two (or more) parties and should be approached as such.

2. Love and respect instead of entitlement.

Your bond with someone does not give you the right to control or coerce them. They are an autonomous person who can act as they wish to. Love is not a byword for bossing someone around, nor is love only real when we’re willing to compromise parts of ourselves for others.

3. Find your core set of relationship values.

Focus on what you want and need when it comes to how you will treat and be treated by others. Don’t be tempted to compromise on your inner values in order to try to keep a relationship that no longer serves you.

4. Heterosexism is rampant and out there, but don’t let fear lead you.

Be mindful of the way in which heterosexism (the assumption that heterosexuality is the only correct, moral, and desirable way to organize relationships) can corrupt your ideas about what is acceptable within relationships. Stay aware of the assumptions you hold about what gender means with relation to love and work to untangle them.

5. Build for the lovely and unexpected.

Be spontaneous in your connections. Don’t feel held back by the “shoulds” or the “ought to’s.”

6. Fake it till you make it.

Breaking with monogamous, heterosexist relationship norms is hard work. Setting out to do the work can feel like a tall mountain to climb. Push through and go for it nonetheless until it feels like second nature.

7. Trust is better.

Choose to assume that your partner(s) want the best for you. When we approach our relationships with a bedrock of trust, we do not engage in validation-seeking behaviors that can drive unions apart.

8. Change through communication.

Be in continuous dialogue with your partner(s). Do not rely on “sensing” what they think or feel. Communication must be enacted at every step along the way in order to establish how things will function, not just when there are problems to solve. Without communication, people fall into old norms and can inadvertently hurt each other.

9. Customize your commitments.

Do you want to have children together but never move in together? Do you want to get married but never have children? Do you want to maintain separate homes but be committed life partners? Whatever it is that you want, you have the power to make happen. You don’t have to travel along the accepted “relationship escalator” of dating exclusively, moving in, getting married, and having children.

Relationship anarchy versus polyamory versus monogamy.

A monogamous person chooses to eschew all sexual and romantic bonds with people other than their one chosen partner. This is the model of relationship that is most common and holds the most societal recognition. While the majority of relationship anarchists are nonmonogamous and therefore have (or wish to have) sexual and/or emotional bonds with more than one person at a time, Winston says relationship anarchists can also engage in monogamous relationships.

“I do believe that someone can choose to be sexually or emotionally monogamous with a particular person and still be a practicing relationship anarchist,” Winston explains. “As long as you are questioning the status quo, examining your values, and communicating your needs, it is possible to build a radical relationship anarchist life.”

Relationship anarchy thus differs from polyamory, which it is sometimes confused with. Polyamory is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the informed consent of all partners involved. It is sometimes known as ethical or consensual nonmonogamy. To be polyamorous means to acknowledge that people can love more than one person simultaneously. This is different from an open relationship, in which the couple goes outside of the relationship for sex, and not necessarily for lasting and committed emotional intimacy or love.

How relationship anarchy works in practice.

It’s not really possible to give an outline of what the average relationship anarchist’s life might look like. “Typical is a myth. In reality, each of our lives is unique and one-of-a-kind, which is also true for people practicing relationship anarchy,” says Anna Dow, LMFT, therapist and founder of Vast Love, a coaching and counseling practice for people navigating nonmonogamy.

She continues, “A lot of people hear the word ‘anarchy’ and think of radical punk rockers with tattoos and mohawks. While that’s sometimes on point, the lives of relationship anarchists are also as varied as they come. Relationship anarchy is the ‘choose your own adventure’ version of relationships. It’s a belief in coloring outside the lines and going off-trail. When we expand our minds past the predefined boundaries, the possibilities can be endless!”

That being said, a common thread between all relationship anarchists is the time given over to communication. Dow says one characteristic that links together those who are well suited to RA is “strong communication skills, including the abilities to empathetically listen and to authentically express one’s feelings/needs in a direct way. If someone struggles with compassionately considering other people’s perspectives or feels guilt when expressing their own feelings/needs, they likely have some personal growth work to do before being optimally ready for sustaining healthy relationships in the context of RA.”

While it’s impossible to identify an “average” relationship anarchist, some of the ways in which it might look to live an RA lifestyle are to live with a mix of romantic and platonic life partners who are all equally responsible for maintaining the household and making big life decisions. Or to have two romantic partners who aren’t given more time and precedence in one’s life than one’s platonic friends. It can look like choosing to have children with platonic friends instead of with lovers. In short, the sky’s the limit.

Common misconceptions.

When people think of the word “anarchy,” they imagine a lawless and chaotic state of order, but “contrary to common misconceptions, relationship anarchy is not a justification for people to do whatever they want in relationships without consideration of other people’s feelings, needs, desires, or boundaries,” says Dow.

Taking the jump into relationship anarchy is not for those who are looking for an easy way out. “It’s not a magic spell for reducing the amount of work that you need to put into your relationships,” cautions Winston. Like any nonmonogamous setup, relationship anarchy will not solve problems you have in your current relationship.

In an interview with Autostraddle, Josie Kearns, a queer woman with a wife and a girlfriend, explains her approach to relationship anarchy like this:

“To me it means that my partners and I don’t control our relationships with other people — we set boundaries, but we don’t ask to enforce rules on each other. I find it much more meaningful to say, ‘I’m choosing to do this because I care about you and I know it will feel good to you,’ than to say, ‘I’m doing this because it obeys our rules.’”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Know your sexual rights

By Dr. Mary Goebel-Komala

In her book “The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse,” sex therapist Wendy Maltz lists the following sexual rights:

• The right to develop healthy attitudes about sex

• The right to sexual privacy

• The right to protection from bodily invasion and harm

• The right to say no to sexual behavior

• The right to control touch and sexual contact

• The right to stop sexual arousal that feels inappropriate or uncomfortable

• The right to develop our sexuality according to our sexual preferences and orientation

• The right to enjoy healthy sexual pleasure and satisfaction

This list was written with victims of child sexual abuse in mind, but we all could benefit from using it to prompt questions about our own sexual health. Here are some questions to get you
started:

What were the most important influences that shaped my sexual attitudes? Do the attitudes I have lead to sexual behavior that is healthy for me? Do my sexual behaviors put me at risk for adverse consequences? Was I comfortable with the amount of privacy I had growing up? Am I able to get enough privacy now? If not, how can I arrange to have more privacy? Was there someone in my past who invaded or harmed my body? If so, how did others in my life respond when I told them? Am I ready to address this with a counselor now? Do I feel I have the right to say no to touch or sexual contact? If I don’t feel I have the right to say no, why not? What internal attitudes or outside pressures make me feel that I don’t have the right to say no? Have I ever experienced uncomfortable or inappropriate sexual arousal? Did I feel safe stopping the uncomfortable or inappropriate encounter? Do I understand that sexual arousal is a biological process that can happen during any sexual encounter, even an abusive one? Do I blame myself for becoming aroused? Did becoming aroused make me believe I wanted the sexual contact, even though I didn’t? Do I believe I have the right to enjoy healthy sexual pleasure and satisfaction? Do my past experiences or current attitudes hamper my ability to enjoy this aspect of my human experience? How does anxiety affect my ability to enjoy my sexuality?

Examining your personal history of sexual rights violations will help you understand how those experiences influence your current sexual health.

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How depression affects sexual desire

— It’s a lot more complicated than first thought

By Sophie Goulopoulos

Depression is an individual experience. And new studies are showing that the way it can impact our lives can also be super varied.

We know that depression–and certain depression medications such as serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs)–can have a negative impact on sex drive. But new research is showing that the connection between depression and sexual interest is a lot more complicated than first thought, being almost as individual as those who experience depression.

In women particularly, a noticeably low sex drive is a solid indicator of major depressive disorder.

“Change in sex drive is a key symptom we look at when deciding if someone fits the diagnosis for major depressive episodes,” said Jennifer Payne, M.D., director of the Women’s Mood Disorders Center at Johns Hopkins, in an article for the medical research organisation.

“A primary symptom of depression is the inability to enjoy things you normally enjoy, like sex. People with depression also have decreased energy, feel badly about themselves and might view their partners through a negative filter, all of which impacts sex drive.”

Emerging research is also drawing a connection between sex and self-harm, as higher levels of depression are linked to more risk-taking than lower levels.

For an externalizer, i.e. someone who copes with mental illness outward, this might include having sex despite not wanting or desiring it, and/or not being interested, even disgusted, by the other person as a way of hurting or humiliating oneself.

It could also involve risky behaviour such as unprotected sex and engaging in BDSM without the usual safety precautions and boundaries, like use of a safe word, that most people who practice BDSM do.

“These behaviors may be pursued for multiple reasons, such as seeking distraction or temporary relief from emotional pain. For some, however, these behaviors may also be a way of punishing oneself,” writes Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller for Psychology Today.

“By contrast, other people are internalizers, meaning they cope by looking inward and socially withdrawing. This is likely to reduce sexual activity, in part, because it reduces opportunities for sex.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why It’s Just a Myth That Longer Sex Equals Better Sex

By Mary Grace Garis

Sexual stamina is something that’s long been held in high regard—after all, nobody writes R&B songs about making love for the duration of the Parks and Recreation theme song. With that in mind, the goal of sex is, apparently, doing it all night long. But for many vulva-owners, the constant in-out, in-out of vaginally penetrative sex can be tedious or even painful. So, how long should sex be, ideally?

The short answer is that according to sexperts, it depends. “The exact length of sex play is really up to you,” says Donna Oriowo, PhD, a sex therapist in SimplePractice‘s network. “Are you going for a quickie, or are you in for a long, passion-filled night? Depending on which way you’re going, how much time you take [to climax] will vary. Be sure to be present in your body—it will tell you when you’ve had enough.”

If you do want to put a time parameter on how long should sex be, though, you could go by how long it takes to climax during P-in-V sex, in particular. While data varies and is hugely personal, a main directive is to keep the orgasm gap in mind.

A 2020 study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that it takes 14 minutes for vulva-owners in relationships (which, for the purposes of this study were heterosexual and partnered relationships) to orgasm during penetrative sex, which included additional maneuvers and positions. Compare this to the average time it takes for penis-owners to ejaculate, which research has noted to be on average between five and seven minutes, and it’s clear that folks who have different anatomy have different needs for how long sex should be.

That said, for a vulva-owner, penetration alone is rarely what leads to orgasm, so penetrative sex doesn’t necessarily mean better sex. In fact, it can often mean the exact opposite—especially if you’re unprepared.

“When you’re not prepared for an ‘all-nighter,’ that’s when you can really cause the vagina some real pain, agitating micro tears, which then causes the vagina to need some days of recovery time.” —sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, sexologist

“[Even though the] vagina is incredibly durable, it’s important to know that if you want to go ‘all night long,’ you have the lube to take you through it,” says Marla Renee Stewart, sexologist for adult-wellness brand and retailer Lovers. “When you’re not prepared for an ‘all-nighter,’ that’s when you can really cause the vagina some real pain, agitating micro tears, which then causes the vagina to need some days of recovery time.”

But what about the other side of things? Is it possible to have sex that’s way too short? Well, if a person involved suffers from premature ejaculation—which is characterized by reaching climax in a minute or less after stimulation or penetration—length of time for sex does matter.

“Duration is important when it becomes a problem—when the desired duration is not achieved due to an involuntary lack of ejaculatory control,” says Patricia López Trabajo, founder CEO of Myhixel, an ejaculation-control device. “This can lead to frustration, insecurity, or lack of self-esteem and can be a handicap to having better sex and more fun in bed.”

In this situation of sex that’s not long enough, there are many options for being able to troubleshoot. One is simply to expand one’s definition of what sex is—because in general, it shouldn’t be defined as limited to P-in-V. “Sex is more than just intercourse; sexual intimacy is everything that happens before, during, and after the act, and it depends on the connection between the people involved,” says López Trabajo.

If premature ejaculation is a reason why your sexual play ends early, there are also strategies to try that can help. Myhixel TR ($239) is a therapy device with a companion app that “trains” a penis owner to last longer. And in a pinch, something like Promescent Desensitizing Delay Spray ($25) can decrease stimulation intensity and lengthen the time to ejaculation.

Ultimately, though, the experts agree that sex is over whenever the participants want it to be over, not when one or both parties climax (or don’t). And if you’re looking to wrap things up, it’s okay to express that. Sometimes, someone is so eager to please their partner that they actually need to hear some variation of, “I’m all good.”

“If they have reached their climax and you haven’t but you’re still done, it’s okay to say something like ‘hmmm, I’m satisfied,’” Dr. Oriowo says. “Sometimes we spend too much time thinking about the orgasm instead of sexual fulfillment of satisfaction. On the other hand, if neither of you have reached a climax, but you’re done, switch gears in another sexy way.”

Dr. Oriowo suggests that you can let them know you would like to watch them finish up. Stewart also suggests dirty talking your partner to orgasm. There’s a lot of ways to play, so feel free to follow your intuition… or just say “time’s up,” if your clock has truly run out.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A beginner’s guide to bondage

— and how to introduce the idea to your partner

Curious about bondage, but not sure if it’s right for you? Here’s everything you need to know and more…

by

Bondage: one of the biggest buzzwords in the world of sex, but is it really all whips, chains and latex wearing dominatrix’s in dungeons? 

For those who haven’t delved into the world of bondage before, the thought of it may seem daunting, considering pornographic depictions tend to involve some pretty extreme acts. However, since the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon, public interest in bondage has been on the rise and it seems more couples than ever are engaging in everything from restraints and blindfolds to full-time dominant/submissive relationships. 

Just like introducing your best vibrator into the bedroom, approaching the conversation of trying bondage with your partner can seem overwhelming. But having an open and honest conversation about your sexual fantasies and how you both can bring them to life is easier than you might think. Plus, it could reignite the spark in a sexless marriage or help you bond with your other half.

To help you explore this type of sex play, we spoke to the experts who shared everything you need to know about bondage for beginners, with top tips for introducing the idea to your partner…

What is bondage?

Sex-positive relationships therapist, Sarah Berry, describes bondage as “consensually tying, binding or restraining someone. It’s anything that can restrict movement, whether it’s a dressing gown belt tying limbs to bedposts, handcuffs, a corset or a vacbed”.

Jess Wilde, bondage expert at Lovehoney, adds that bondage falls under the umbrella term Power Play where one partner takes on a dominant role while the other becomes the submissive.

Jess stresses that bondage and rough sex are totally different, and in fact, bondage can be very romantic. “Lots of bondage play is not rough at all and is often extremely slow and sensual. The only similarities between bondage and rough sex are that both acts should be explicitly discussed with clear boundaries agreed upon before play, and you should always settle upon a safe word before either type of sex,” Jess says.

Why is bondage so popular?

While bondage has been around for centuries, thanks to mainstream film, TV and books, bondage is more popular than ever. Research by Durex found that 53% of us see the benefits of experimenting through role-play, sensual massage or bondage.

There are lots of reasons people enjoy bondage, from the general feel-good factor of restriction to the element of power exchange.

“It might be because the restriction feels good in itself, for aesthetic reasons, to carry out a certain action or for power exchange,” says Sarah.

While some people who engage in BDSM might be more involved in the kink community and enjoy going to sex clubs or being flogged in a Christian Grey-style Red Room, for many it’s seen as a fun way to experiment with their sexual partners and strengthen their bond.

What’s more, for many, bondage is about much more than sex. Sex play can be a way to process trauma, reconnect with your body and sensuality, and find a sense of order and purpose in a world that can be chaotic and confusing.  

What are the rules of bondage?

There is really only one universal rule – bondage should always be safe and consensual.

While bondage is a great way to explore your boundaries and discover new realms of pleasure, it’s essential this is done safely and that you and your partner communicate about what you do and don’t feel comfortable trying. 

“A safe word is something the submissive partner (the one who’s restrained) can use at any time to stop play immediately and tells the Dominant partner (the one doing the tying) that they want to be released,” Jess explains. “Your safe word can be anything you like as long as you’ve both agreed on it before play. The best ones are short, easy to say, and easy to remember. It should stand out like a sore thumb in the middle of sex. A personal favorite is “GANDALF!””

When it comes to boundaries, you and your partner should discuss anything you don’t want to happen so they know exactly what is off the table during play.

The restrained person should never be left unattended, even if the Dominant is just leaving the room for a few moments. And restraints should never be too tight that they end up cutting off circulation.

Sarah also advises against drinking alcohol when experimenting with bondage, and as a safety precaution, have medical scissors on hand for a quick way to release restraints if necessary.

It’s also incredibly important to follow up with aftercare when play ends.

“During bondage play, one partner dominates the other, which is super arousing and exciting in that moment but can leave one or both of you feeling uncertain after it’s all over,” Jess explains.

This is known as the sub-drop and can happen when the submissive partner feels the endorphins wear off when playtime has finished and they start to feel lonely or sad.

“Bondage aftercare is the process of reassuring your partner that you care for them. Lots of hugs, loving touches and an open chat about the experience you’ve just shared are great ways to do this,” Jess advises.

How do I talk to my partner about bondage?

Keen to give bondage and try but not sure how to approach the idea with your partner? Sometimes it’s easier to show rather than tell. If your partner is comfortable with it, you could show them videos of the different bondage play you’d like to try out.

Porn for women is a great way to introduce your partner to different types of play for female pleasure, there are also hundreds of YouTube videos explaining the different aspects of bondage that will help open up the conversation with your partner. You can then discuss what you’re both interested in trying and encourage them to share their fantasies with you too.

Once you’ve talked about what you’re both interested in trying, discussed your boundaries and agreed on a safe word, the fun can really begin.

What do I need for bondage?

You can start bondage play using household items like a tie or a dressing gown waist tie as restraints, but if you want to invest in play you won’t be short of sex toys to buy.

The market is full of toys for bondage play, from rabbit vibrators to handcuffs and blindfolds. Brands like Adam & Eve and Love Honey sell bondage sets for beginners which include the basics such as, blindfolds, handcuffs, ballgags and whips.

While you don’t need a kit to get started, it does remove the pressure of deciding what type of restraint to try out first. Handcuffs and blindfolds are a great place to start as they’re easily removed and not too restrictive. Ideal for first-times who may be a little apprehensive about getting stuck in the restraints.

To begin with, Jess advises avoiding rope or bondage tape which can damage the skin if not used correctly. “Instead, opt for soft, Velcro-fastened wrist cuffs that offer comfy, reliable restraint, and can be removed in a jiffy if required,” she says.

“Start small, and focus restraint on one area of the body to begin with (eg wrists OR ankles),” Jess adds. “And, if you both like that, then you can build to more advanced restraint where arms and legs are cuffed at the same time.”

Once you get to grips with the basics and discover what you like, you can explore bondage sex toys further. For instance, if you or your partner are particularly keen on being handcuffed, you can look into other types of restraints such as rope, collars or hog ties.

Feeling comfortable and confident is a sure-fire way to boost your enjoyment, so treat yourself to some new lingerie to get you in the mood, too. It doesn’t have to be leather or latex – choose something that makes you feel sexy, comfortable and ready to experiment.

How do I choose submissive and dominant?

Once you and your partner have decided to explore bondage together, your next thought might be which one of you should play as submissive and which as dominant. But, the brilliant thing about bondage, is you don’t have to be one of the other. Play is for everyone who consents and there are so many ways you can explore bondage, domination and submission.

Don’t let the stereotypical, heteronormative depictions of BDSM put you off from what could open up a whole new world of excitement and self-discovery. It can be fun to switch things up with your partner and play different roles every time.

The world of BDSM is for all sexualities and gender identities, and bondage can even provide a unique sensory experience for those who don’t want to engage in penetrative sex itself.

“How you play is a matter of personal preference. To figure this out, talk with your partner before play and remember: the sub is the one who’s actually in control at all times. Although the dom may guide play, the sub calls the shots, and decides when play is over,” Jess says.

What’s next for your sex life after bondage?

If you’ve enjoyed bondage and want to take things to the next level, Jess suggests adding sensory play into the mix with spanking.

“Spanking can be enjoyed with or without bondage (in the same way bondage can be enjoyed without spanking). Because spanking is still a form of Power Play, it has many of the same rules as bondage in order to keep play fun and safe,” Jess says.

“For couples who’ve agreed they’d like to try spanking, it’s important that you build intensity slowly,” Jess adds. “Start with a light tap, and build how hard you hit to find the right sensation for your sub. Some people like their spanking with some pain, but for many, spanking isn’t painful at all. Lots of people enjoy spanking for the psychological thrill of being dominated or dominating someone.”

Start with your hand first before bringing any toys into the bedroom. “Using your hand enables you to control how hard you spank as you can feel the impact too. If you’re both happy with this and decide you’d like to try using a spanking tool, a beginner-friendly spanking paddle is the best place to start,” Jess says.

When you’re new to bondage the most important thing to remember is that it should be fun! Bondage is play that should be enjoyed by both you and your partner. It should bring a new level of excitement to the bedroom and be a positive sexual experience for you both.

So get those cuffs out, and explore everything bondage and the wider BDSM world has to offer.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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You shouldn’t feel pressured to define your sexuality

By Peyton Jeffers

How do you know if you’re gay or bi?

If you were like me at 12 years old, no amount of anxiously Googling “Am I gay?” or frantically taking quizzes that promise to reveal your true sexual orientation gave any insight into what your sense of sexual identity or lived experiences would be.

I turned to the internet for information because the messages I received in school or from popular culture about sexuality were not congruent with my thoughts and feelings. I felt I didn’t fit in either category I had been exposed to at the time — “gay” or “straight.”

So, if you’re asking yourself this question, you’re probably trying to describe your sexual identity to yourself and the people around you in a way that makes you feel comfortable. 

Questioning or challenging your sexuality can feel both confusing and isolating, but take a breath. You’re not alone.

Traditional models of understanding sexuality tend to center around one aspect: our sexual orientation. This model says you can be attracted to the same sex and/or gender, the opposite sex and/or gender, or people of either.

These models are limiting because their language and definitions often assume gender and sex are binary. They don’t account for aspects of sexuality outside of gender, such as the different kinds of sex or sensations we like or the levels of physical or emotional attraction we experience with others.

It might be helpful to consider who you are attracted to in these ways. 

Are you attracted to same-sex, different sex or intersex people? People who are androgynous, masculine or femme presenting? Are you attracted to people who are genderqueer, genderfluid, transgender and/or nonbinary? Simply people regardless of their gender presentation or sex?

If you’re afraid of claiming a specific identity because you’re unsure, then know you can also identify as gay, bisexual, questioning or otherwise without any experience or desire for physical intimacy. 

Relationships require vulnerability and an understanding of how to be romantically or emotionally available with other people, and sometimes these feelings don’t align with our behavior or sexual attraction.

Genevieve Labe, a Ph.D. student and adjunct faculty member teaching human sexuality at the IU School of Public Health, said they don’t think there’s a clear answer to the reader’s question because the way people ascribe labels to themselves varies person-to-person.

“How I might feel or determine how I identify could be so different for someone else,” they said. “I think whatever feels right in the moment is good. My question back to you is why do we need that label?”

Labe said labels can help us make sense of the world, but it’s important for us to think about the trauma labels have inflicted on people in the queer community, whether it be lingering stereotypes or forcing ourselves to stick to labels once we’ve claimed them.

How we interpret ourselves is dependent on the tools we have available. Knowing this, we can accept our sexualities are subject to change as new information and experiences become available over the course of our lives.

For example, if you’re someone who has identified as gay but end up feeling attraction to someone of a different gender, you shouldn’t feel pressured to prohibit that based on a label, Labe said.

On the contrary, it’s also completely valid to want to identify yourself with a label that feels most affirming to you when you use it.

“Labels should not be boxes into which we feel we must squeeze ourselves, but rather tools with which to communicate and to begin conversations,” Robyn Ochs, bisexual activist and editor of “Getting Bi: Voices of Bisexuals Around the World and Recognize,” said on her website.

If you feel safe and comfortable confiding in someone close to you, opening up about these feelings might alleviate some pressure. Your sexuality is also yours to share on your own terms — when and with whoever you want to.

Overall, whatever feels comfortable, makes you feel good about yourself and gives you a sense of community is what is right. You’re always allowed to change and reevaluate your needs and desires if you feel your identity doesn’t suit you anymore.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Men who identify as feminists are having more — and more varied — sex

By

In 2015, Justin Trudeau surprised many by claiming a feminist identity. Numerous celebrities and entertainers have recently asserted themselves as feminists, and some have even chastised those who reject feminism.

While more and more men from across social divides have begun supporting feminist values and asserting a feminist identity, many are scrutinized for talking the talk but not walking the walk.

Feminism is predicated on support for gender equality. Men may associate with feminism to help distance themselves from outdated gender roles, bringing them in line with current sociopolitical trends.

In a recent article I co-authored with sociologist Tina Fetner, we looked at whether feminist men care about equality in the bedroom, the most intimate environment where the gender oppression may play out. Specifically, we were interested in how the sex lives of feminist men differed from non-feminist men: Did their personal politics mean they acted differently when having sex with women?

Beyond simply claiming a progressive identity, what sort of behaviours accompany a feminist identity? Do feminist men actually live up to their identity in various aspects of their lives?

Surveying men

Seeking answers to these questions, we analyzed a sub-sample of self-identifying heterosexual men from a larger survey on sex and sexuality in Canada. The Sex in Canada survey is a nationally representative survey of Canadian adults. It asks questions not only about sexuality, but also about personal sexual behaviours, sexual history and political and social values.

Of all the straight Canadian men surveyed, we found that only about 22 per cent of men actually identified as feminist. Most men, around 60 per cent, said they were not feminists, and about 18 per cent were “not sure.” And, as with feminist women in previous studies, feminist men were more likely to have higher levels of education.

Feminism = more sex

Taking a look at how recently men engage in certain sex acts, we found feminist men had more sex than non-feminist men. Specifically, feminist men reported having intercourse and both performing and receiving oral sex with women partners more recently than non-feminist men.

While feminist men reported giving oral sex to their partners more recently, they also engaged in intercourse and received oral sex more recently than non-feminist men, suggesting they do not sacrifice their own pleasure. Instead, we believe feminist men continue to benefit from traditional approaches to sex that emphasize sex acts pleasurable for men.

Taking a deeper look at this, we examined men’s most recent sexual encounter to further test if intimate encounters differed between groups. Feminist men, and those who said they were unsure of their feminist stance, were more likely than non-feminists to have intercourse and engage in breast touching or nipple stimulation.

Feminist men and even those who were not sure, reported giving oral sex to their female partners at higher rates than non-feminists. This is critical as research consistently finds that clitoral stimulation through oral sex is an important and pleasurable act that brings women to orgasm.

Gender equality in private and public

All too frequently we see men say one thing and do another; we tend to focus primarily on public attitudes and behaviours. We have little knowledge of what goes on beyond closed doors.

Although men who claim a feminist identity may not be more equitable in their everyday public interactions with women, our findings suggest that identifying as a feminist matters in private settings.

In private sexual encounters, feminist men and those ambivalent toward feminism, perform sexual behaviours targeting women’s pleasure at a higher rate than those disavowing feminism, suggesting these men may care about their partners as expressed through the performance of equality in sexual pleasure.

Many men claiming a feminist identity also declare support for gender equality. Our results indicate this purported support coincides with a commitment to gender equality in sexual interaction. Feminist men help transcend sexual (interaction) inequality by bridging the gender gap in orgasms.

While this is a good sign, we encourage further conversation and research addressing inequality in private heterosexual relations.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Masturbating Is Still An Excellent Idea If You’re Coupled Up

By Carli Whitwell

I was dozing in bed a few Saturdays ago when my husband took our dog out for an early-morning walk. Alone, the mood struck and I masturbated. I had a quick, decent orgasm, followed by a rush of guilt. It wasn’t the act itself (I’m well aware that EVERYONE DOES IT). But because I’m coupled up, masturbating sometimes feels like it did when I was in high school — sneaky and shameful, and something I shouldn’t be doing, at least not when I have easy access to my husband.

Before you troll me for being a sexually repressed bad feminist, hear me out. I’m in my mid-30s, and like many millennials I’m still trying to shake off the shackles of a half-baked sexual education; mine was largely informed by romance novels pilfered from my mum and the old adage that “nice girls wait.” So when it comes to talking to my partner about self-pleasure, I don’t really. It’s more like: “I know you masturbate; you know I masturbate, but let’s agree never to discuss it, and we can forget about that one time I left porn up on the laptop.” (My bad.) “There’s a lot of secrecy around this in couples,” says Robin Milhausen, a sexuality professor from the University of Guelph. “Most people have no idea how often their partner, regardless of gender, is engaging in masturbation.”

And we are definitely engaging in it, some of us way more during COVID-19. In fact, judging from sex toy sales, masturbation is getting some of us through the pandemic single-handedly. A study by Indiana University’s Kinsey Institute found that 33% of men and 20% of women are masturbating more often since quarantine started. Another 24% of women are masturbating less, which is no surprise since many women have less solo time to get ’er done because we’re taking on even more emotional and domestic labour.

Then again, there’s always been different sexual rulebooks for men and women. I grew up watching male leads in movies bone everything (apple pies included) while women were slut-shamed for sleeping with sexy and sensitive dance instructors in the Catskills. So I learned to downplay my libido, at least outwardly. Only recently have women been encouraged to own our sexuality, including our under-the-sheets solo activity. (Although we are still very rarely shown how to do that in non-heteronormative ways.)

I grew up watching males leads in movies bone everything (apple pies included) while women were slutshamed for sleeping with sexy and sensitive dance instructors in the Catskills. So I learned to downplay my libido, at least outwardly.

“The pleasure gap is one of the biggest gender gaps,” says Alexandra Fine, a sexologist and co-creator of Dame Products, a line of sex toys geared toward people with vulvas. That gap applies to masturbation, but also to sex. Studies have shown that, in heterosexual relationships, women orgasm way less than men during sex. (Lesbians have more orgasms than straight or bisexual women.) This discrepancy comes down to a lot of factors — from partners’ lack of knowledge about our anatomy to anxiety — but it’s also indicative of “who feels entitled to pleasure and why,” says Fine. “Women are much more likely to think of sex as for someone else’s pleasure. It’s so much a part of the female sexual narrative.”

Milhausen thinks we’ve, ahem, come a long way, but agrees self-pleasure is among the final holdouts of our sexual revolution. “Masturbation is the last bastion of gendered difference [in sexuality] with men doing it far more often than women.” (Interestingly, her research has found that women seem to derive more pleasure from getting themselves off than men do, but that’s a different story.)

It doesn’t help that the self-pleasure industry feels marketed toward men — although feminist porn sites and companies like Dame are making inroads. Changing the sexual scripts we learn at a young age also requires some mental rewiring on our part. Masturbating but not wanting to have sex one day doesn’t make you a bad partner. And getting turned on by a sexy passage in a book and whipping out your vibrator when your significant other is out for a 10K run isn’t something to feel guilty about.

Besides, women are already drowning in guilt about everything — especially when it comes to taking time for ourselves, sexual or otherwise. “We need to start with encouraging women to have more leisure time and to take more time for ourselves… and the sex thing will fall into alignment,” says Milhausen. “But until women have five minutes to have a shower or to go for a walk, or to read a book or to talk to a friend, I’m not going to ask her to go and schedule the time to masturbate.”

Fine, for her part, says she has no problem getting off solo with her husband beside her. “I masturbate next to him frequently,” she says. “Sometimes it’s blossomed into something else. And sometimes it doesn’t, and sometimes I don’t want it to…We’ve been doing that for years and it doesn’t even cross my mind. It’s like when you start peeing in front of each other. The first time is really weird and then it’s fine.”

I’m not sure I’d get off while my guy watches MLB replays on his iPad beside me (go Jays!), but I will say that I recently excused myself to the bedroom for some me time, and he didn’t care at all. It turns out our let’s-not-talk-about-masturbation might have been my own hang-up all along.

And I know what I’ll be doing the next time he takes the dog to the park.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is Pregnant Sex?

Sexual Intimacy Is Generally Safe During Pregnancy

By Elizabeth Boskey, PhD

Sexual intimacy can be part of a healthy pregnancy. Depending on how far along the pregnancy is, some adjustments may need to be made to keep things fun and comfortable.

Avoiding sexually transmitted diseases (STD) is the chief concern when it comes to risks for most pregnancies. If you have a high-risk pregnancy, discuss pregnancy sex risks with your doctor.

Trimesters and Pregnancy Sex

There is very little evidence suggesting that there are risks associated with having sex during pregnancy.1 Despite this, several risk factors may cause doctors to encourage pregnant individuals to abstain from intercourse during the first trimester.2 These include vaginal bleeding and a history of early pregnancy loss.

Although research does not suggest that vaginal intercourse is associated with either of these outcomes, many doctors take a cautious approach to pregnant sex for couples who have experienced one or more losses.

Couples that are non-monogamous or where one has a sexually transmitted disease should be aware that it is important to appropriately manage STD risk during pregnancy. Several sexually transmitted infections have the potential to affect pregnancy outcomes.

If there is any risk of STD transmission during pregnancy, it is advisable to use barriers. Before taking a new sexual partner during pregnancy, STD screening is also a good idea.

Over the course of a pregnancy, certain types of sex can become less comfortable or enjoyable. Couples who wish to continue with sexual intimacy can try different sexual positions to figure out what works best for them as the pregnancy continues to develop.

Positions where the pregnant person is seated or lying on their side may be more comfortable than where they are lying on their back, particularly later during pregnancy.

Risks of Pregnancy Sex

There is remarkably little data about the risks of different types of sexual intimacy during pregnancy. In general, there is no reason to anticipate that sex during a low-risk pregnancy will cause problems, particularly in monogamous couples where both partners have been tested for STDs.

Doctors tend to be more concerned about high-risk pregnancies, but again there is very little data. People who are concerned about pregnant sex should discuss their individual risk/benefit calculations with their providers.

Theoretical risks that people are concerned may be associated with pregnant sex include:3

  • Preterm labor: Studies have not demonstrated an increased risk of preterm labor from having sex during pregnancy. The exception is where sexual activity increases the risk of genital tract infections, including bacterial vaginosis, associated with pre-term labor.
  • Pelvic inflammatory disease (PID): PID may be a risk for individuals exposed to STDs during pregnancy. PID is associated with an increased risk of pregnancy complications, and pregnant people with PID may need to be hospitalized for antibiotic treatment.4
  • Bleeding: No research has demonstrated a risk of antepartum hemorrhage (bleeding after the 20th week of pregnancy) caused by pregnancy sex, although it could theoretically be a risk for those with placenta previa.
  • Venous air embolism: This is an extremely rare pregnancy complication where an air bubble gets into the bloodstream. Studies estimate that it occurs in fewer than one in one million pregnancies, although where it does occur it can be fatal.3

Pregnant people are sometimes advised to avoid air being blown into the vagina during oral sex, which could potentially lead to a venous air embolism. Air can sometimes also be forced into the vagina during penile or other penetration.3

Coping With Pregnancy Sex

Sexual desire and interest can change substantially over the course of a pregnancy. For some people, pregnancy may be a time when they feel highly sexual. They may seek out more sexual intimacy with their partners.

Other people may feel less sexual during pregnancy. This can be because of changes in how they feel about their body and their overall sense of wellbeing. It can also be because of increased sensitivity to certain smells, tastes, and sensations that may occur during sex.

Couples for whom sexual intimacy is important should consider exploring different types of sexual intimacy during pregnancy if their usual menu of sexual choices isn’t working as well for them. This can include activities such as mutual masturbation or one partner holding the other while they masturbate.

Couples who want to continue to have intercourse during pregnancy may also need to explore different positions as the pregnant person’s body changes over the course of gestation. It is not uncommon for the frequency of intercourse to decrease, even in couples who continue to be sexually active throughout pregnancy.5

Perineal Massage and Vaginal Birth

Couples experiencing their first pregnancy may hear about the benefits of perineal massage. Perineal massage has been shown to reduce the risk of both an episiotomy and requiring stitches after a tear during delivery.6

Although perineal massage doesn’t have to be sexual, it certainly can be. In many ways, perineal massage is like careful fingering and other types of digital sex. Just make certain that any hands involved are clean, you’re using appropriate lubricant, and you’re not going any faster than is comfortable for the pregnant person.

Research on perineal massage is focused on using the practice once or twice a week, starting at 35 weeks.6 While clear benefits have been shown for people who have not previously undergone a vaginal delivery, that’s less true for those who have.

Still, if it’s something couples enjoy during a first pregnancy, there’s no reason they shouldn’t continue to do perineal massage during later pregnancies.

Can you have sex during pregnancy? Yes, if you want to. Although there isn’t all that much research about sexual activity during pregnancy, most of what’s out there says that pregnant sex doesn’t noticeably increase the risk to either parent or infant.

The exception is where sex during pregnancy can lead to a new infection with herpes, syphilis, or another STD that increases the risk of poor pregnancy outcomes. In a mutually monogamous relationship, where neither partner has an outside exposure, pregnancy sex is generally considered low to no risk.

However, in the case of high-risk pregnancy, couples should consult their doctor before engaging in pregnant sex.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is Tantric Massage?

7 Ways To Try It At Home

By Kelly Gonsalves

Many people fall into the trap of following the same sexual scripts. Sex looks the same every time, usually involving some kissing, maybe some oral, and then a person with a penis thrusting aggressively into a person with a vagina until the former orgasms. Learning to move away from these scripts can unlock whole new realms of pleasure, new types of sensations, and more uniquely connective experiences. One way to throw all the rules out the door is to explore tantric sex and, specifically, tantric massage. Here’s what happens during a tantra massage and how to give one to your partner.

What is tantric massage?

Tantric massage is a style of massage or bodywork that draws on the principles of tantra, an ancient spiritual practice originating in Central and Southeast Asia. In most modern-day practice in the West, tantric massage involves massaging and stimulating the full body with particular focus on sensitive areas like the penis and vulva. It’s sometimes referred to as simply an erotic massage, although a tantra massage also incorporates breathwork, meditation, and mindfulness elements and is not necessarily sexual. Tantric massage also has a spiritual and energetic component, wherein the practitioner or giver helps move the receiver’s energy throughout the body to promote inner healing.

“Unlike other forms of massage, this sacred practice incorporates the tantric essence of shakti, or energy,” Tiffany Tanner, a tantra teacher and massage therapist in Arizona, tells mbg. “When skillfully incorporating this universal force into a massage, it can touch the deepest layers and aspects of a human being and be a profound instrument of spiritual and emotional healing.”

Tantra stems from ancient Hindu, Buddhist, and Jain traditions, though most tantra taught and practiced in the West can be referred to as neotantra, a modern adaptation that focuses specifically on sacred sexuality as opposed to the other spiritual and religious elements of traditional tantra. “The experience we offer is not intended for the tantric purist,” Genevieve Duarte, a tantric massage expert at White Lotus East, says of the tantric massages offered at their New York studio. “If anyone desires to explore and commit to the more traditional teachings of tantra, then this experience can serve as a beginning platform.”

What happens during a tantra massage.

What happens during a tantra massage offered at a massage studio or spa center will vary greatly depending on the facility. In general, tantric massage involves massaging and stimulating a person’s full body, including genitalia, while doing breathwork, meditation, and other spiritual practices or energy work. Some forms of tantric massage include the yoni massage (focused on the vulva), the lingam massage (focused on the penis), and massaging the sacred spot (aka the prostate).

Tantric massage can also be practiced at home with a partner and can be a way to introduce a slower, more intentional, and more intimate form of sexuality into a couple’s sex life.

People can orgasm during a tantra massage, though it’s not the goal. Tantric massage is more about leaning into pleasure, releasing energetic blocks and tension, and connecting spiritually with another person. Intercourse is not usually part of a tantra massage, though tantra massage can be incorporated into a tantric sexual experience between a couple.

Before attempting to give a tantric massage, it’s helpful to learn a little bit about tantric principles in general, as it’ll ensure you’re approaching the experience from a perspective of sacred connection and intentional pleasure.

These are the most essential elements of a tantra massage, according to Duarte:

  • For the recipient, being able to receive pleasure without feeling compelled to reciprocate.
  • For the giver, being willing to provide pleasure without the need of the same in return.
  • For the giver, learning to read the partner’s body language and understanding the importance of touch.
  • For both, forgetting about time.
  • Each partner having a strong desire to please the other.
  • Strong personal hygiene in preparation for the experience.

“It’s often difficult for someone to express how one wants to be touched and how many people are inept in the way they touch one another,” she tells mbg. “Touching someone in a manner that they want to be touched takes time, experience, and open-mindedness.”

Below are instructions for specific types of tantra massage. You can do these with a partner or by yourself.

Lingam massage.

A lingam massage focuses on honoring and pleasuring the penis:

  1. Get the penis owner relaxed, lying on their back in a comfortable position with their legs apart and knees bent. Remind them to breathe deeply throughout the experience.
  2. Practice breathing in their energy of arousal as you inhale and sending them loving energy as you exhale.
  3. Lubricate and massage the areas of the penis, starting by sliding your hands up their thighs, pubic bone, and perineum.
  4. Gently, slowly massage the testicles. You can pull them slightly, cup them in your hands to fondle them, or use your fingernails gently on them.
  5. Massage the shaft, varying your grip, stroke sequences, and twisting motions. Vary from one hand to two and from slow to fast.
  6. Don’t let them climax. Keep them at the edge of orgasm, also known as edging.
  7. If they’re comfortable, stimulate their sacred spot, also known as the prostate.
  8. When they’re ready, allow your partner to climax with an ejaculation orgasm.

Here’s tantric sex educator Psalm Isadora’s full guide to lingam massage.

Yoni massage.

A yoni massage focuses on honoring and pleasuring the vulva:

  1. Have the vulva owner lie on their back in a comfortable place with a pillow under their hips, knees up, and feet on the ground.
  2. Guide them in connecting to their breath.
  3. Warm up with a body massage or tantric breast massage (see below) to slowly build arousal.
  4. Move to the vulva and begin stimulating the clitoris, alternating between circling, pushing and pulling, tugging and rolling, tapping, and G-spot massage.
  5. Encourage your partner to practice edging, or to lean in to experience multiple waves of orgasms.

Tantric breast massage.

The tantric breast massage or nipple massage simply applies tantra massage principles to the breasts:

  1. Set the scene with candles, incense, or music that makes your partner feel sexy.
  2. Remind them to focus on their breath, taking long, deep breaths throughout the experience.
  3. Drip some oil at the center of their heart between the breasts, as well as over the belly.
  4. Start by massaging the belly to stir up sexual energy before moving on to the breasts.
  5. Circle the breasts using a feather-like touch, then move to massaging and squeezing them.
  6. Once their body is begging for it, move to the nipples using tracing, pinching, and rolling.
  7. As they come close to orgasm, massage their body up to the neck, head, and scalp. Have them undulate their spine and rock their hips to create arousal throughout the whole body, creating waves of pleasure.

Here’s Psalm Isadora’s full guide to nipple play the tantric way.

Bonus tantra techniques.

Here are a few more techniques to add to a tantra massage or to any tantric sexual practice:

As certified tantra educator and registered nurse Leslie Grace, R.N., tells mbg, tantric sex is as much about the mindset as it is about the physical techniques: “It’s about wholeheartedly celebrating the sacredness of our bodies and desires while bringing a quality of mindful awareness to the shared expression of pleasure.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Painful sex, explained

— Doctor and patient break down a taboo women’s health topic

By KATIE KINDELAN

Callista Wilson, a San Francisco mom of a 2-year-old, experienced pain the very first time she had sex with a man.

Wilson, now 40, didn’t speak for years to anyone about her experiences with painful sex, and she didn’t get medical help for it until more than a decade later, after countless doctor visits.

“I really blamed myself,” Wilson told ABC News’ Good Morning America. “And I think that’s kind of a common response.”

Also common is how many women experience painful sex. Nearly three out of every four women experience pain during intercourse at some time during their lives, according to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG).

Even so, Wilson said she struggled to find information about painful sex online, was not having those types of conversations with her friends and often felt like she was not taken seriously by doctors.

At one point, Wilson said she was told by a physical therapist that she was just going to have to “live with it” for the rest of her life.

“The message I was getting from doctors was that, ‘You’re imagining all of this,’ or, ‘You’re making this up, and we don’t believe you, and you can’t talk to us about this,”” she recalled. “And so I really just continued to hold it all inside.”

Years later, Wilson finally opened up to a long-term boyfriend about the pain she experienced during sex, an honest conversation that ultimately led to their breakup. For Wilson and so many women, painful sex is not just a painful experience physically, but also one that can be emotionally and mentally devastating.

“All that time, it wasn’t just like sex hurts. It was like, sex hurts. You can’t be in love. You’ll never have children. You’re a broken woman,” Wilson said. “It was affecting my whole life. Every facet of my life.”

It wasn’t until her early 30s that Wilson felt comfortable opening up to a close group of friends about how painful sex was for her. She remembers it was her friends who told her, “You cannot settle for this.”

At their urging, Wilson saw a specialist in New York City, an OB-GYN whose specialties include sexual pain disorders.

The doctor diagnosed Wilson with congenital neuroproliferative vestibulodynia, a type of chronic pain in the area surrounding the vaginal opening, according to the National Vulvodynia Association, a nonprofit organization that advocates for women’s health.

Because the type of surgery required to treat vestibulodynia was not covered by Wilson’s insurance, she delayed the surgery for one year in order to save nearly $20,000 to cover the costs and required time off of work.

At age 35, after a nearly two-decade search for answers, Wilson was treated successfully for her condition.

Two years ago, Wilson gave birth vaginally to her son, something she never thought she would be able to do.

“Once I healed from my surgery, my life began,” she said. “I used to joke I was 35 going on 15 because that was kind of how it felt, like I get another chance at this.”

Why did the topic become so taboo?

Much like childbirth or menstruation, painful sex is something that so many women go through but don’t talk with their friends or even with their doctors.

“Somewhere along the way, it was decided that this was a ‘taboo topic,’ when it shouldn’t be a taboo topic at all,” said Dr. Nita Landry, a Los Angeles-based, board-certified OB-GYN. “And in some instances, it’s that providers don’t feel comfortable talking about it.”

Women often have a hard time getting an accurate diagnosis for painful sex and vaginal pain, which often contributes to the stigma, according to Landry.

“[Women] feel like there isn’t hope so they kind of stop talking about it and they learn to live with it, or they talk to a provider who tells them, ‘Oh, you’re just going to have to learn to live with this,’ and then they don’t take it any further,” she said. “And that’s how they spend the rest of their lives.”

Wilson said once she had a specific diagnosis, “everything changed” for her in terms of how open she felt speaking about her pain.

“Prior to having a diagnosis, it was much harder to be open and to share, because it was still this kind of ambiguous thing that I didn’t understand,” she said. “Once I had the vocabulary, my voice, I couldn’t stop it. I told everybody.”

And once she started speaking out about her experience, Wilson said she felt a kind of “collective healing” as she received messages on social media from women around the world.

“For so many years I had felt like I was the only person suffering from this and that I was all alone,” she said. “But there are so many women out there who are in this boat, and we’re all here together and just raising our voices.”

What people need to know about painful sex

Painful sex is something anyone could experience, no matter their gender or sexual orientation, according to Landry.

But, it is not something that people should have to endure, because there are solutions, she noted.

“If you are having sex, as long as it’s consensual, you deserve to have good sex,” she said. “Your sexual orientation or your gender identity, that doesn’t matter. You should be able to talk to your partner or your health care provider, because [everybody] deserves good sex.”

Painful sex, known medically as dyspareunia, is defined as persistent or recurrent discomfort that happens just before, during or after sexual intercourse. It also includes pain during other sexual activities, like any type of stimulation of the clitoris, vagina, vulva and perineum (the area between the anus and the vulva), according to Landry.

During sex, for those with dyspareunia, pain may be felt in the vulva, within the vagina or the perineum or in the lower back, pelvic region, uterus or bladder, according to ACOG.

Some women may also feel pain when they insert tampons or undergo a gynecological exam, as was the case with Wilson’s condition.

“It’s important to realize that different people will describe that pain differently,” Landry said. “For instance, some people will experience pain with penetration, whereas other people will have pain with deep thrusting. Some people describe their pain as sharp or burning, whereas others have more of a crampy pain.”

“At the end of the day, it just means that it is uncomfortable for you,” she said.

Causes of painful sex

While there are many symptoms of painful sex, there are also many causes, some physical and some psychological, according to Landry. When going to a health care provider about painful sex, the provider will want to take a detailed history and do a physical exam.

“I can’t tell you how many patients will say, ‘I’m having painful sex,’ and I ask them about their relationship, and they say, ‘You know, it’s not that good,”” she said. “That’s going to play a huge role in how much you’re going to enjoy sex, or it could be anxiety, depression, a history of sexual abuse.”

In those cases, a woman would want to reach out to their health care provider as well as a mental health care provider, experts say.

Pain during sex may be a sign of a gynecologic problem, such as ovarian cysts or endometriosis.

It can also be caused by everything from skin disorders and hormonal changes to tears in the perineum caused by childbirth, sexually transmitted diseases, inflammation of the vagina, vulvodynia (a pain disorder in the vulva) and vaginismus (tightening of the muscles at the opening of the vagina), according to ACOG.

“You definitely need to see a qualified health care provider so you can figure out what’s going on,” Landry said. “You could be in a situation where there’s an underlying medical condition that needs to be treated, or you may be in a category where you don’t have an underlying condition that’s really going to have a negative impact on your health, however, it’s having a negative impact on you because you’re having painful sex.”

Treatments for painful sex

Not every woman experiencing painful sex is going to need to undergo surgery, as Wilson did, according to Landry.

“The big thing to remember is your treatment is going to depend on what’s causing your painful sex, and because there can be so many different causes, the treatment plans can vary greatly,” Landry said. “A lot of times, your health care provider can help you find your treatment option that is non-surgical, and that’s ideal.”

In cases where there is an underlying condition, like a sexually transmitted infection, doctors are going to treat the underlying condition first. In cases where there is not an identifiable cause for painful sex, doctors will likely try therapies such as a topical anesthetic applied before and after intercourse or pelvic physical therapy, Landry explained.

“Honestly, it may take some time,” she said. “It’s not necessarily you’ll do something on a Monday and on Tuesday you’ll be all better all the time.”

Women in particular need to take steps to make sure they are working with a health care provider that takes their concerns of painful sex seriously, Landry noted.

“If you feel as though you’re being dismissed, if you feel like they are not taking your complaint seriously, then you need to find another provider,” she said. “Just know that there are providers out there who want to talk to you about this.”