Month: February 2021

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Kink vs. Fetish

— A Sex Therapist Lays Out the Difference

By PureWow Editors

You read 50 Shades of Grey. You own a vibrator. You know what a kink is…or do you? We tapped a sex therapist to talk all things kink vs fetish in case you want to explore one—or both—in the bedroom. Strap yourself in, because it’s about to get steamy. 

So, what exactly is a kink?

“A kink is something sexual that someone likes to do with themselves or consensually with partners,” says Rosara Torrisi, PhD from the Long Island Institute of Sex Therapy. “This is usually something considered outside of mainstream sexual activities.” A kink usually brings extra erotic energy to a sexual encounter, explains Torrisi (think: BDSM, role play or polyamory).

It’s worth nothing, however, that what’s considered kinky is subjective. Case in point: While your mother-in-law might think that sex toys are kinky, your bestie considers them pretty vanilla.

Got it. So, what is a fetish?

A fetish is similar to a kink, but the difference is that something is a fetish when it MUST be present in order for the person to achieve sexual arousal or enjoyment. This can be an act (like having sex in public) or an object (like feet). The important thing to remember here is that a fetish is something that the person cannot get aroused without—for some people simply fantasizing about the fetish can be enough while others may need to actually engage with the object or behavior in some way.

Wait, so what’s the difference between kink and fetish exactly?

There can definitely be some overlap between a kink and a fetish so we understand the confusion. Dr. Torrisi breaks down the difference as “whether it’s something someone likes to do or if it’s something someone has to do in order to have sexual pleasure.”

Here’s an example: If one night in bed, you accidentally hear your neighbors going at it and it turns you on, that’s kinky. But, if you need to listen to or watch others having sex in order to feel aroused then that’s a fetish.

How can you explore kinks and fetishes safely?

“Two of the most important things about exploring kinks and fetishes are consent and safety planning,” says Torrisi. That means finding a partner that you can trust and doing your research (like learning how to properly tie a knot, for example). Keep the acronym RACK in mind, which is not a fetish but instead stands for “risk aware consensual kink.” It’s a term used in the kink community to make sure that all parties are comfortable and safe.

“There are really great resources from folks who work professionally with kinks and fetishes,” says Torrisi. She recommends checking out La Maison du Rouge for products, educators, research and more. “Joining a community to learn more about how to safely explore kinks and fetishes is also important,” she adds.

If you are experiencing distress about any kink or fetish, reaching out to a sex therapist could be helpful.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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I’m A Sex Therapist

— Here Are 6 Questions I Get Asked About Sex In Long-Term Relationships

By Dania Schiftan, Ph.D.

As part of the 10-step program for increased sexual responsiveness that I lead women through in my new book Coming Soon, I also share dozens of questions I commonly receive from people about the sex they’re having (or not having) in their long-term relationships. Here’s just a smattering of those questions and how I answer them:

1. At the beginning of my relationship, I came to orgasm much more quickly and more often during sex. Why is that?

Emotional passion, which is usually greater at the beginning of a relationship than later, influences our desire for sex. Hormones massively boost our sensations and cause us to feel touch more intensely. Couples also tend to move much more at the beginning than they do later. The desire to explore a new body calls for activity. When a relationship is new, we are usually in a phase where everything flows, and time flies. At this stage, we’re sending and receiving stimulation that leads to greater desire and more orgasms on all levels and through all channels. Some couples look back wistfully at the beginning of their relationship and think they’ve lost this passion for each other. But this, too, is a fallacy because passion can also be learned!

2. Won’t I be emotionally absent if I just concentrate on myself during sex? Won’t the sex be impersonal if I’m getting lost in my own world?

You’re not absent—you’re just focusing on yourself and on your sensations and experience with your partner. If you’re thinking about your grocery list or feeling annoyed by your partner during sex, you’re much more absent. But sure, at first your partner may be confused to see you moving more or taking more care of yourself. In the long run, he’ll benefit from this too.

Apart from that, many men say it’s important to them to feel how aroused their partner is. If two people lie in bed, each waiting for the other to become aroused, not much will happen. The arousal of one person has a positive effect on the arousal of the other.

3. Won’t the sex be worse if I’m more selfish?

The sex will change, but it certainly won’t get worse. Over time, it will get much, much better—because you’ll enjoy it more, and that will turn your partner on. By concentrating more on your sensations, you’re more in the here and now, and you can react more to your partner’s arousal. Neither of you will be distracted by unerotic things like your last credit card bill. But yes: Improving sex means changing it. And with change comes risk. If you do what you’ve always done, you at least know what you’re getting. It takes courage to trade something familiar for something new. Dare to try it.

4. What should I do if I don’t feel like sex—for example, if we just had a big fight?

Of course, you don’t have to have sex then, or ever. But maybe you’ve noticed that you can use your body to influence your feelings, and not just the other way around. Anger, bad moods, or stress can change for the better if you and your partner have a nice, passionate time on a physical level. You don’t need to be in perfect harmony for that.

Having sex despite a fight can have a totally positive effect on your relationship: On the one hand because sex and orgasms help you to relax, and on the other hand because it’s a way to come closer to each other again. But how can you open yourself to sex when you feel no desire? By throwing yourself into it even if you don’t feel like it. Think of the party principle: Go to your partner, make out with him, stroke him tenderly. That way, you stop the downward spiral. Of course, I’m not saying you should have sex against your will. It’s just about giving yourself or each other a chance to see whether your appetite grows when you taste the food. Like the words one of my students has as a tattoo: “When you cuddle, you repair each other.”

5. What should I do when my partner doesn’t feel like it?

After a while, many couples end up in a pattern of “reverse seduction.” This subject would be enough to fill a book, but in short what it means is this: The partners blame each other, are easily offended, and have very specific ideas about how they want to be seduced. But seduction actually means, “How can I get the other person to do something that I want to do?” As a seductress, you have to think about how you can motivate your partner to participate. For example, if you want to go see a sappy movie and you know it’s not the kind of film your partner likes, you have to get creative and think about how you can get her to come anyway. You promise popcorn and rave about the actress. You think about what she might go for. If you know her soft spots, you exploit them. Translated to the bedroom, this means, “How can I make sex appealing to my partner again?”

6. We’ve known each other so long. Wouldn’t it be strange to suddenly pretend I don’t know what my partner wants?

Rethink your understanding of seduction. In your daily life, you’re often trying to make what you want appealing to your partner. Why shouldn’t you do the same with sex? Think about how you seduce him in other parts of life, and transfer this to sex. Let go of clichés. Seduction doesn’t necessarily mean a garter belt and negligee. It starts long before sex. It could be text messages, long looks, playing with closeness and distance, casually stroking his arm, and then going away again. But if you want to wear a garter belt, go for it! Courage always pays off.

In a long-term relationship, you experience a lot together and know each other inside and out. This is wonderful, but it also brings you so close that you rarely have a chance to long for your partner or see him from a distance. This happens automatically: The other person is always there. An erotic relationship, therefore, requires a little distance and space now and then: alone time. This is very important for your sexuality as well. I advise my patients to spend time alone or with friends and to deliberately plan time for themselves. This leads to being excited about each other again—and maybe even to feeling in love.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Some penis microbes may increase the risk of vaginal infections after penetrative sex

By Julia Naftulin

  • A new study found that 10 types of bacteria found on men’s penises were predictors in whether their female partners developed bacterial vaginosis.
  • Bacterial vaginosis is a vaginal infection that affects 1 in 3 women. Experts are unsure what exactly causes bacterial vaginosis.
  • The researchers said that their study suggests men’s sexual health and women’s are inextricably linked, and that heterosexual couples should work together to promote each other’s sexual wellbeing.

Women may have a higher risk of vaginal bacterial infection after penetrative sex with men, depending on the type of microbiota on their partner’s penis, a study has found.

Bacterial vaginosis is a type of vaginal bacterial infection that affects 1 in 3 women, but, according to the CDC, health experts are still unsure what causes it.

For the study, University of Illinois at Chicago researchers looked at 168 heterosexual couples in Kenya over a year. Just over half (56%) of the men they studied had circumcised penises, and circumcision status can affect the amount and types of bacteria on a penis.

None of the women had bacterial vaginosis at the start of the study. The researchers found that 31% of the women in the study developed bacterial vaginosis during the year-long trial.

In addition to testing the bacteria in the women’s vaginas, they also examined each man’s penile microbiota during the initial screening and three follow-up appointments.

The researchers concluded that the men were a defining factor in the women’s risk of infection. They identified 10 species of penile bacteria that appeared to increase a woman’s risk of BV. The men who carried on their penis one or more of the 10 species, his female partner was more likely to develop bacterial vaginosis.

Men should be involved in women’s reproductive health

The study’s findings don’t mean a man’s penis causes bacterial vaginosis in women, according to Dr. Supriya Mehta, lead study author and an epidemiologist at University of Illinois at Chicago.

But his team’s findings suggest male and female sexual health are inextricably linked, especially for heterosexual couples.

“I would like for clinicians, researchers, and the public to be inclusive of male sex partners in their efforts to improve women’s reproductive health,” Mehta said in a statement. “Not to place directionality or blame on one partner or another, but to increase the options and opportunity for improved reproductive health, and hopefully reduce stigma from BV.”

There were caveats to this study. Only 46% of the 168 couples attended all four doctor’s office visits during the year-long trial, so the researchers have incomplete data for some couples, which could cause skewed results. Additionally, the researchers looked at a small sample of only Kenyan couples who were heterosexual, so the results may not be applicable on a universal scale, across countries, cultures, and sexualities.

Mehta said more research should be done to determine how men can look after their own genital health to protect the genital health of women with whom they’re sexually active.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Natural Connection

— Why Getting Outdoors Is The Ultimate Sex Ed

By Laura Borichevsky

“Look, they’re stuck to each other!” I squealed through my 7-year-old throat, jumping up and down in my childhood backyard. 

Two slugs curled intimately around each other, glistening in the sun, while my mom held a camcorder. It was my first exposure to sex in real time, and we spent the next 20 minutes talking about what was taking place, my mom only stopping to nervously laugh once when I excitedly shouted, “There’s his penis!” while pointing at the member protruding from the head of one of the slugs. 

And while it was quite a memorable moment, I’d guess that this nostalgic story isn’t wildly unique.

The reality is that a lot of people have a memory like mine (though maybe not as sticky, and probably not captured on film). In fact, when parents explain how they first introduce sex to their children, it’s almost cliche to hear that they turned to nature to help paint the picture. Whether it’s watching a neighborhood cat in heat, observing the way flowers spread their seed, or visiting an aquarium during particular mating seasons, the outdoors are so often a gateway to learn about “the birds and the bees.”

The connection between sex and nature is expansive.

It doesn’t take much digging to find that plants and animals, like us, exhibit a wide range of sexual behaviors and have their own identities and turn-ons. For instance, did you know that garter snakes have group sex in something called a “mating ball,” or that jellyfish reproduce both sexually and asexually throughout their life, depending on their developmental stage? This barely scratches the surface of the unique (and sometimes quirky) sexual escapades going on in nature.

On the other side of the coin, human sexual activity has a huge impact on our environment. It’s why there’s a growing market for sustainable sex toys and etiquette for leaving no trace when getting down and dirty on a camping trip. (And who could forget how a massive wildfire was literally sparked by a gender reveal party last season?)

And yet, despite all these points of connection, you don’t often hear conversations about sex and nature. In fact, you don’t hear many conversations about sex at all. Factors like shame and expectation have made sex and intimacy a taboo topic for many people. But the outdoors isn’t—which is where I started wondering how we can reintegrate some nature into the way we think and talk about sex as adults.

This idea led me to start a podcast featuring approachable, open conversations about sex, gender, and relationships—all with the outdoors as the centerpiece. (It’s called Sex Outside, and it premieres on February 11!) Through these discussions, I’ve been reminded that the outdoors inherently gives people a more open forum to feel connected to their bodies. This kind of liberation, which can be challenging to access in many other aspects of our lives, makes it easier for us to start thinking about and talking about sex.

Nature’s lessons on love and sex.

Maybe talking about sex will never come as naturally to us as it does to our 7-year-old selves, standing in the backyard over some slugs. But that doesn’t mean we can’t continue to use the outdoors as a jumping-off point for thinking about sex, pleasure, and identity into adulthood. Here are just a few sex-ed lessons I’ve learned from Mother Nature in the years since that fateful backyard discovery:

Whether it’s holding off until the right season or waiting for a full moon to rise, animals and plants (even coral!) know that sex is best when it comes at the right time. The same goes for us humans. Feelings of sensuality and arousal happen at different times and life chapters for everyone, and that is totally natural.

2. It’s OK (even encouraged) to get creative.

As the earth evolves, so do the needs of all the systems on it. Plants and animals have gotten awfully creative looking for ways to make sex happen, and that’s made the whole reproductive process better and more effective over time. The human lesson in there: no need to turn down a chance to try something new in the bedroom.

3. “There’s nothing straight about nature.”

This is a phrase Elyse Rylander, founder of OUT There Adventures, coined as a way of reminding us that nature simply isn’t straight. From jagged mountain ranges to undulating ocean waves, the shapes of nature are fluid. Humans, who for so long have held ourselves to a very unhelpful and harmful heteronormative gender binary, can work that lesson into gender and sexuality exploration, too.

Sex is a part of us, regardless of our relationship status or libido. 

4. You are a sexual being—with or without a partner.

There are a large variety of species that reproduce asexually, reminding us that sex is something that comes from within each of us, no matter who we do or don’t act on the urge with (or how often those feelings of arousal come to the surface). Sex is a part of us, regardless of our relationship status or libido.

This is a simple, practical tip and not something nature alone can teach us…but if you’ve ever gotten a urinary tract infection while in the backcountry, you’ll know why I wanted to spread this information far and wide.

It seems as though every other creature alive in this natural world has a fine time ignoring expectations and existing as the beautifully unique, shamelessly sexual beings they are. We as humans are a part of that, too. It’s time we reconnect to those feelings, see them as natural and innate to who we are, and claim them in full. Maybe in the bedroom…and maybe outside.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How BDSM Can Help With Pandemic Fatigue

By Gigi Engle

We are all experiencing pandemic fatigue. Whether you’re coping well or poorly, you’re still coping. And because the world is drenched in stress, developing effective coping mechanisms has never been more important.

Enter BDSM.

While I hate to bring up the most obvious examples, Fifty Shades of Grey and Netflix’s 365 Days and Bonding have successfully catapulted BDSM into the mainstream and, while seriously problematic in their own ways, these popular Hollywood-style depictions of kink have allowed what was once a seemingly fringe sexual practice to bloom in the open. People are really feeling kink right now. New research conducted by psychologist Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., suggests that nearly half of Americans have tried some sort of bondage or power play in bed.

Considering the psychological dynamics involved in BDSM play, it isn’t a far reach to see how BDSM could help people cope with pandemic stress. Pandemic fatigue is enough to test even the strongest of relationships. Anything (within reason) that can help us cope with stress can and should be utilized right now. Practitioners of kink will be the first to tell you that BDSM reduces stress and anxiety and improves communication—all of which is crucial to maintaining relationships during difficult times. “BDSM play, during this pandemic, would be a great way to achieve decreased stress while creating a delicious distraction to outside-world concerns and an opportunity to work on your relational connection,” Kristine D’Angelo, a certified sexologist, tells TheBody.

Everywhere you look, sex experts are suggesting people try new sex stuff as a way to gain closeness with a partner. Working on increased connection and intimacy is certainly more appealing than relationship estrangement.

Long story short, now is an optimal time to get kinky. It can really change your sex life and open up new relationship dynamics for lots of people. Open your mind, guys. You don’t need to go buy a bespoke corset or a full set of restraints. You can easily tie someone up using a loose T-shirt or spank them with a wooden kitchen spoon. Kink is for everyone and anyone who wants to try it.

What BDSM Is (and What It Isn’t)

BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadomasochism. You may be picturing whips, chains, and ball gags right now. While these tools can be used in this kind of play, they aren’t required. What BDSM really comes down to is control. It’s a desire to give up or receive control over someone. There is something deeply sensual about this giving and receiving—this complete power exchange.

What BDSM is: a safe and consensual sexual practice. What it is not: dangerous and for people who want to cause harm to others.

Let’s get one thing very clear: There is nothing wrong with you if you want to try BDSM. You’re probably just a person with a rich fantasy life—and we should celebrate that. According to a 2008 study, those who engage in BDSM are no more depraved or psychologically “damaged” than anyone else.

BDSM is a really fun way to try out different roles, whether dominant, submissive, or both. It can involve pain or it can not. It’s a totally customizable experience that you get to create with your partner. There is no wrong way to play—as long as everything is negotiated and safe, both physically and emotionally. Communication is a cornerstone of this practice.

Kink and Stress Release

One of the biggest reasons kinky folks love BDSM play is because of its tension-relieving effects. For instance, when you spend all day bossing people around at your day job, it can be very liberating to have a lover tell you what to do or give you a spanking. “Many people enjoy the BDSM lifestyle because it provides them with a way to escape into their ‘happy place.’ It’s been scientifically proven that the endorphins and other neurochemicals released while participating in BDSM are mood enhancers,” Angel Rios, a sexpert at AdultFriendFinder, the world’s largest sex and swinger community, tells TheBody.

We’re in the midst of a pandemic. If a new, fun way of exploring sexuality with your partner can offer up a bit of mental decompression, that sounds like a real win. “BDSM play provides a little escape from reality. A session can take you out of a state of mind which may be focused on survival in troubling times,” Daniel Saynt, founder and chief conspirator of the New Society for Wellness (NSFW), a members-only club focused on kink, tells TheBody. “You can focus on yourselves and the pleasures you can derive even in the most hopeless situations.”

Before You Get Started, There Are Some Things You Should Know

Before you go tying your partner up and having a free-for-all, you need to get really clear on the basics of consent and negotiation and commit yourself to doing proper research in advance of trying anything too intense. You don’t want to go spanking someone with the fury of a thousand suns if you don’t know how to properly spank someone in a way that won’t cause damage. Likewise, you don’t want to tie someone to the bed only to realize you’re cutting off circulation to your partner’s hands. These practices are very fun and very safe if done correctly. But, that takes sharpening your skills.

Luckily, the internet can provide plenty of articles, online workshops, and videos to help you on your kinky journey.

Saynt suggests checking out videos and workshops from Jet Setting Jasmine and King Noire, two staples of the kinky community, who have taken their rigorous BDSM skills to the online space. You can also check out Sunny Megatron’s four-part video series on YouTube called BDSM 101. For some reading, check out The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play, and the Erotic Edge by Tristan Taormino.

Even the act of learning about BDSM can be a form of foreplay and stress release—and it’ll give you something to do on those particularly dull and frustrating pandemic nights. We’re all a bit on edge right now. Make the most of it, and turn up the heat.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex-Positivity Means Unlearning Shame

Love & Lust 2021: Developing a Sense of Self

By Jamila Reddy

When I was five years old, my parents gave my sister and me a book called “Where Did I Come From?”

Published in 1973, the book featured illustrations and explanations of how babies are made. On the front and back covers were a sea of cartoon sperm swimming across the page with smiles on their faces. The book featured a friendly-looking (straight white) couple in various forms of undress; kissing, holding hands and “making love.”

My next lessons on sex came in the fourth grade, in North Carolina public school health classes. On a special day that required advance parental consent in order for students to participate, “boys and girls” were separated and sent to two different rooms to view scientific diagrams of our reproductive systems.

I remember feeling awkward in a room full of pre-pubescent youth, all of us squirming nervously through informational videos on puberty — groaning and giggling through re-enactments of first periods and wet dreams.

Before I started having sex, however, most of what I learned about it came from mainstream media: TV, music, and movies.

I remember being shocked and delighted to see portrayals of sex as a young person — the iconic sweaty backseat-window-of-the-car moment from Titanic, music video countdowns featuring scantily clad women, suggestive choreography at my very first Spice Girls concert.

As a kid, my media consumption was regulated to the extent that it could be. My mother would likely be horrified to know that, in middle and high school, I spent many an unsupervised hour at sleepovers watching BET Uncut, a late-night program that streamed sexually explicit, raunchy music videos. Many of these videos were, essentially, DIY low-budget films bordering on actual porn, and the rest were more mainstream but deemed too “mature” to show during regular countdowns. Women were almost exclusively featured in these videos as sexual objects — sporting thongs and tight dresses, licking and poking out their glistening lips, winding and bouncing and bending.

Coming of Age: Sex and Sexist Messages

I grew up unknowingly queer in the Christian, conservative South, and heteronormativity (the assumption of heterosexuality and adherence to a gender binary) pervaded most, if not all, of the lessons I learned about sex. These lessons on what was “acceptable” or “standard” behavior when it came to sex distorted my understanding of what sex was and what it could be. I did not know I was queer until my twenties because, before my twenties, I did not even know what “queer” was. I did not know that sex could be something other than the penetrative sex between a cisgender, heterosexual woman and a cisgender, heterosexual man because I had never seen it.

Until adulthood, nobody in my life talked openly about sex outside of conversations about safety or abstinence.

I learned about sex as a practical endeavor (for the purpose of making babies) and as the standard rule of intimate engagement between cishet men and cishet women (for the purpose of male orgasm). I learned that sex was a thing to be done behind closed doors. I learned that sex was dangerous and risky. I learned that sex was complex and rife with double standards.

Much of my sex education came from social myths. It seemed widely understood that for people assigned male at birth (AMAB), pursuing sex was totally normal and natural, but for people assigned female at birth (AFAB), it was devious and shameful.

Teenage me looked on in horror as the girls who wore low-cut shirts or miniskirts were admonished for having no self-respect, and the ones who made out with boys in the back rows of movie theatres were villainized and shamed for being “sluts.”  I learned, through years of observing the social stigma attached to sexual girls, that sex was something to do quietly and privately — that if I was going to do it, no one should know.

For years, I believed that something was wrong with me for being curious about sex for pleasure. I felt wrong for fantasizing about being sexually intimate with someone. I saw sex as something strange and dangerous, not just for the physical risks it posed to the body, but for how quickly it could lower one’s social worth. So, I suppressed my sexual desires. I learned to be ashamed of them.

Sexual Initiation and Sexual Passivity

The first time I had sex was on the top bunk of a dorm room bed at 19.

My boyfriend at the time, like most of my cishet male sexual partners, had had more experiences with sex than I — not only through having it but through watching porn. Since it was my first time, I deemed him the expert and deferred to him to facilitate our first sexual encounter.

It was uninspiring, to say the least.

I lay on my back in the dark, quiet as a mouse and stiff as a board, as he huffed and puffed on top of me. It was awkward and uncomfortable, and after all was said and done, I turned over and wept into his pillow. Gut-wrenching, loud, ugly sobs. I left feeling dirty. Ruined. I felt like I had “lost” something — like my value as a person worthy of respect had just dropped tenfold.

Despite spending three (monogamous) years in a relationship together, this boyfriend and I never actually had a conversation about what positive, consensual sex looked like. Our sex was boring and routine, and almost always ended with his orgasm, not mine. After we broke up, my sexual experiences varied slightly but pretty much had the same script, different cast. Even when my sexual partners were not cishet men, I followed their lead. I was agreeable, I went along for the ride.

My fear of being labeled a social deviant, a slut, had yielded a lingering sexual apathy — I learned to be passive within sexual encounters. I learned not to consider my own desires and instead to be “okay with” and “down for” anything. I spent years prioritizing my partners’ sexual experience and pleasure over my own, following their lead, doing what I was told. It was not until well into adulthood — and several difficult, transparent conversations with a TGNC (Trans Gender-Nonconforming) sex-positive partner that I realized how desperately I needed to unlearn what I had been taught about sex.

Queer Conversations: Finding Sex-Positivity

Several months into our relationship, my ex-partner — who, for a bit of context, proudly described themself as “pro-ho” — asked, “What do I have to do to get you to ask me for sex?” The question stopped me in my tracks. Admittedly, I hadn’t even noticed that they were always the one who initiated our sexual rendezvous. They expressed frustration over this discrepancy and communicated their desire to feel wanted and to be pursued. After reflecting on why it rarely occurred to me to play a lead role in our sex life, I realized: I never did it because, in the past, I never had to. All of my previous partners came on to me. I had never protested, and none of them had ever complained.

Being in a partnership with someone whose sexual expression is a core part of their identity — someone deeply invested in the pursuit of pleasure and joy — made me glaringly aware of my own internalized sex-negativity.

I discovered how much shame around sex I had internalized, and how much that shame had stunted the growth of my own sexual identity and sexual expression.

I realized that I had allowed myself to become, as James Baldwin so brilliantly put it, a “co-conspirator” in my own oppression. Patriarchy, a social system in which cisgender heterosexual men dominate, is fundamentally rooted in women/AFAB people not feeling in control of their bodies.

Under patriarchy, women — and especially women of color — are systematically disconnected from our bodies. We are socialized not to consider what feels good to us, but as to how we can use our bodies in service of men.

I am working to unlearn these lessons and to exercise full agency over my body. I am working on moving away from shame, stigma, and silence towards a personal sex-positivity. Sex-positivity is a complex notion, and lots of folks have lots of things to say about what it actually means. For me, sex-positivity is the belief that sex, as long as it is healthy and consensual, is a positive thing. The Center for Positive Sexuality provides this definition:

“A sex-positive perspective acknowledges the wide range of human and sexual diversity among individuals; a multitude of sexual identities, orientations, and practices; gender presentations; and the need for accessible healthcare and education. Sex positivity also encourages open and safe communication, ethics, consent, empowerment of sexual minorities, and the resolution of various social problems that are associated with sexuality.”

Moving away from shame and towards sex-positivity means, first and foremost, that I must affirm myself as a sexual being. I have to stop pretending sex isn’t a part of my life. I have to let go of thoughts and beliefs that prevent me from taking control over what happens to my body.

Ultimately, what I want out of sex are the same things I want out of my life as a whole: curiosity, a spirit of play, openness, vulnerability, connectivity, pleasure, freedom.

Unlearning shame is not a journey that will happen overnight, but it’s a worthy endeavor nonetheless. Being sex-positive is about so much more than just having great sex. It’s, in the words of Toni Morrison, about “letting go of the shit that weighs me down.” It’s about prioritizing my own opinions, my own desires, and ultimately, my own happiness. It’s about taking full responsibility for my life and the experiences I have within it.

And what could be more radical than that?

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to introduce sex toys into your relationship

By Mark Hay

Bringing sex toys into partnered sex can open up entirely new realms of pleasure for everyone involved.

Toys do things our bodies just cannot, like pulse and vibrate. These novel sensations can help many people have more consistent and frequent — or complex and intense — orgasmic experiences. And the sheer variety of experiences on offer can help couples keep their sex varied and interesting, which certainly helps to maintain desire in long-term relationships.

Sounds good, right? But even as taboos around using sex toys in general fade, sex counselor Aleece Fosnight notes that many still hesitate to broach the idea of bringing a toy to bed with partners.

So, why do we pause when it comes to using sex toys with partners?

The hesitation often stems, at least in part, from persistent beliefs that toys are for solo play, while sex is about two people meeting each other’s every want and need with their bodies alone, explains Fosnight.

Marketing that frames toys as stand-ins for absent partners, or solutions to sexual problems, doesn’t help, adds Amy Boyajian of toy maker and retailer Wild Flower. It leads people — especially straight cis men who rarely engage with toys — to view interest in toys as an attack on their sexual performance, or as sexual competition. (They definitively are not.) And Gretchen Leigh, a sex educator who works with the toy retailer She Bop, notes that people always worry about being weird, so rather than rock the boat, they “assume, ‘this is what this person likes in sex,’ and stay the course forever.”

How to have the sex toy conversations we want to have — and better sex, too

Talking to partners about exploring sex toys does not have to be a daunting or difficult endeavor. A half-dozen sex counselors, educators, and toy experts recently shared a few key tips and tricks for broaching the issue painlessly and productively with Mashable.

Consider the timing

One of the biggest mistakes people make when trying to introduce toys to their partners, these experts said, is attempting to just whip them out during sex. Unless you know your partner is comfortable with you and appreciates surprises during sex, Boyajian says, this “can leave them feeling anxious and pressured,” potentially dredging up insecurities or creating conflict.

Instead, set aside time outside of sex for a conversation about bringing toys into your play. “It’s easy to do in a new relationship,” says sexologist Carol Queen. That’s when you’ll ideally already be talking openly about your sexual preferences and can just work toys into those chats. But talking about sexual preferences takes a level of vulnerability that not everyone feels comfortable with early on. Even those who do may not think or feel able in early talks to broach toys specifically.

And that’s fine. There is no optimal time in a relationship to talk about sex toys. Months or even years down the road, once you’ve started having more open and regular conversations about your sexual wants and needs, you can raise the topic of toys. If you’ve never had a conversation like that, mentioning toys could be a good foothold to open up wider intimate dialogue. If you’re not sure how to start that first conversation, Fosnight recommends framing it as an idea you encountered in an article, in online talk, or during a chat with a friend.

Don’t criticize or apologize

No matter when or how you start the conversation, try not to connect your interest in toys to an explicit critique of or frustration with the sex you’re currently having. That will play right into potential underlying insecurities your partner may hold.

Don’t apologize or shy away from your own desires either, as that’s a good way to build up anxiety and stress on one or both sides of the conversation. Instead, try “coming from a place of exploration,” Boyajian suggests, in which sex toys are one of many exciting things you can try together to see what you can add to your sex life, to bring you both new and great experiences. “Most of us want our partners to have pleasure during sex, and will be willing to seek higher forms of pleasure together,” Leigh notes.

Don’t force the idea

If your partner is not open to the conversation or idea, don’t force toys on them with insistence or ultimatums. Instead, Jenni Skyler, a sexologist who works with adult retail giant Adam & Eve, suggests trying to talk, then or later, about why that idea makes them uncomfortable, then finding ways down the road to address any fears or stigmas about toys or sex that they may harbor. 

Be truly open to the idea of exploration

If your partner is interested in exploring the potential of toys, try not to dictate what that will look like — the toys you’re going to use together and how you’re going to use them. Instead, keep talking, in that first conversation and later on, about the kinds of sensations you both enjoy or are interested in exploring and how you could see toys playing into the sex you already have. Encourage each other to think outside the box of genital stimulation. Talk about the way your ideas overlap or differ. From that place of understanding, you can start to dive more fully into toys.

You or your partner may already have one or more toys you use alone that you’re excited about exploring together. In that case, Fosnight recommends that the partner with a toy bring it into bed at an agreed-upon time and demonstrate how they use it on themself, then guiding their partner, verbally or physically, to join in, or talk through how to try using the toy on or with each other.

You may also want to explore all-new toys together, to find something that fits your unique dynamic as a duo. Boyajian recommends turning toy research and shopping into a couple’s activity, a chance to build intimacy and mutual excitement and expectation. But Leigh cautions against falling into the trap of just exploring toys marketed for couples. There are a ton of guides online, some backed by sexual health experts. Yet they “aren’t in any way guaranteed to work better for couples than any other toys,” she explains.

In fact, many are built on presumptions about their users’ anatomies, and attempt to stimulate both parties at the same time. The same type of stimulation rarely works for two people at once, and many people actually enjoy using a toy on their partners — watching their partner use a toy, or mutual masturbation using two different toys — more than the two-party stimulations on offer.

Be safe…

“Any toy can potentially be used as a couple’s toy,” Leigh stresses. Of course, with so many toys to choose from, the selection can be daunting. Just remember there’s no rush. Take your time to explore your options together: Read toy reviews, consult friends and experts, and, once you do buy one or more toys, explore ways of using them.

Some outlets have published ostensibly definitive guides on how couples can use various toys. But as long as you’re being safe (e.g., not putting toys without a flared base up your anus and using ample toy-safe lube during any insertive play), “then you get to make the rules,” Boyajain stresses. “If it feels good, then it’s right for you!”

And have fun with it

“Be willing to laugh at the toy and yourself,” Skyler adds, because sometimes, inevitably, your experiments will not work out. That can be frustrating, because toys certainly aren’t cheap. You can, however, find good guides online to functional, body-safe toys that will help your engage in expansive rounds of exploration with a partner — without breaking the bank.

And remember, even when things don’t go perfectly or as expected, it’s all part of the journey you’re taking with your partner, and can help bring you closer as well.

And … that’s it! Follow these simple, flexible steps and you’ll be well on your way into the wide and wonderful world of toy-enhanced partnered sex.

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25 Best Couples Therapy Techniques, Exercises, and Activities to Try in 2021

by Jillian Goltzman

Online resources and telehealth has made couples therapy more accessible than ever.

If you’re looking to engage in self-improvement and enhance your relationship, there’s a multitude of techniques and exercises at your fingertips.

Couples therapy techniques

Reflective listening

“Reflective listening is a highly beneficial exercise where the couple take turns being active listeners,” says Laura Louis, a licensed psychologist at Atlanta Couple Therapy.

Use “I” phrases instead of “you” statements. For example, say “I feel hurt when you do X” instead of “You’re wrong for doing X.”

“When couples take turns being active listeners, it boosts healthy communication skills as well as conflict resolution skills for the couple,” Louis says.

Emotionally focused therapy

Many therapists use a method called emotionally focused therapy (EFT).

The goal is for couples “to identify maladaptive patterns within the relationship that are interfering with secure bonds and attachments,” says Ansley Campbell, a clinical director at The Summit Wellness Group.

People “learn and utilize techniques to heal or create safe and secure attachments within the relationship,” she explains.

Narrative therapy

The practice of narrative therapy revolves around people describing their problems in narrative form and rewriting their stories. This can help them see that no single story can possibly encapsulate the totality of their experience.

“There will always be inconsistencies and contradictions,” says Sam Nabil, CEO and lead therapist at Naya Clinics.

Narrative therapy may be helpful for couples who feel like their relationship is failing due to both of their faults.

“These couples often believe that they’re subject to this romantic pitfall and emotional trauma because they have been a ‘failure’ from the start and it is what they ‘deserve,’” Nabil says.

Gottman Method

The Gottman Method is a popular method practiced among couples therapists. The technique is designed to help couples deepen their understanding of one another while managing conflict in their relationship.

The Gottman Institute has more than 40 years of research under its belt. It provides live workshops and take-home training materials for couples, but many therapists have also trained using the Gottman Institute’s methods.

Imago relationship therapy

Imago relationship therapy, developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt in 1980, emphasizes the connection between adult relationships and childhood experiences.

By understanding childhood trauma, the therapy seeks to make couples more empathetic and understanding of one another.

Solution-focused therapy

If you’re experiencing a particular issue or want to work toward a specific goal, solution-focused therapy is a model to consider.

According to the Institute for Solution-Focused Therapy, the practice is “a short-term goal-focused evidence-based therapeutic approach which helps clients change by constructing solutions rather than dwelling on problems.”

Couples therapy exercises and activities

Get crafty

“Having a physically visible vision board can help remind you of your shared desires and goals for when you are having issues within the relationship,” Louis says.

She advises couples to get crafty by writing down goals and collecting pictures that embody your relationship desires.

“It’s a tangible reminder that a marriage is a work in progress, and that it takes hard work and time on both ends to create a strong, healthy, and long lasting relationship,” she says.

Find deeper topics to engage with

Get over surface-level conversations and ask your partner questions other than “What’s for dinner?”

Kelly Sinning, a Colorado-based licensed professional counselor, likes to give her clients the homework of simply talking with each other.

“Oftentimes, we get so busy and caught up in the day-to-day needs, we don’t realize that we stop having conversations about anything else,” she explains.

Express appreciation

Expressing gratitude and communicating what works in your relationship can help strengthen your appreciation for one another.

“Make it a habit of expressing appreciation daily through in-person conversations, texts, or a sticky note in a place your partner will find it,” suggests Meagan Prost, a licensed professional clinical counselor at Center for Heart Intelligence.

Identify your partner’s love language

Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you experience love in the same way.

“The 5 Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman has helped couples identify what makes them feel loved so they can show up for each other.

The five love languages are based on the idea that each person has a preferred way of receiving love:

  • receiving gifts
  • acts of service
  • words of affirmation
  • quality time
  • physical touch

Take the online quiz with your partner to discover your love language and better understand each other.

Schedule important conversations

Are you looking to have an important or difficult discussion with your partner? Take it from the experts: Serious talks are best when you have a plan.

“We often engage in conflict because the timing is wrong, and we aren’t in a frame of mind where we can thoughtfully engage in conversation,” says Alisha Powell, PhD, LCSW, with Amethyst Counseling and Consulting.

She advises tough conversations be scheduled in advance so no one is caught off guard.

Pencil in one-on-one time

While life can feel hectic, don’t let outside pressures override time with your partner.

“Scheduling an hour of ‘couples time’ to get intimate is a great start. Scheduling an hour of time to focus on topics that will help improve the relationship can be done several times a week or once a week,” says Grazel Garcia, LMFT.

Fill your intimacy bucket

As a couple and as individuals, understand that you both have intimacy needs.

Garcia calls this the “intimacy bucket,” which includes the following types of intimacy:

  • intellectual
  • experiential
  • social
  • emotional
  • sexual

Spend time finding exercises in each bucket. For example, you can explore a new hobby together or socialize with mutual friends on a Zoom game night.

Practice partner yoga

Consider teaming up with your partner for couples yoga.

Partner yoga allows you to balance together with your partner, establishing and strengthening trust as you flow through tandem moves.

A 2016 study linked mindfulness to increased relationship satisfaction. By synchronizing your breathing, you’ll be one with your partner during your practice — and the benefits may even exceed your yoga class.

The 6-second kiss

Don’t knock this technique before you try it. Dr. John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute, advocates for the 6-second kiss. It’s a way for couples to add a dash of romance seamlessly throughout the day.

The kiss is just long enough to be passionate while also acting as a distraction from the busyness of the day.

Show interest in each other’s day

When was the last time you asked your partner what they were most excited about for the day?

Spending a few moments discussing your partner’s agenda and goals will help support them and make them feel cared for in your relationship.

With her clients, Prost finds that “curiosity can help your partner feel connected to you.”

Share a list of things you want from your partner

Write down three things your partner could do weekly that would make you happy. Share your list with one another while looking in each other’s eyes.

The lists may not be something your partner can do every day, but a reminder of things they can manage to do once a week to help build trust and communication.

“The point is that we all show and need affection in different ways, and honoring those differences is essential to feeling heard and understood,” says Nyro Murphy, LCPC.

Have an icebreaker

You might remember icebreakers from summer camp or work seminars, but this go-to conversation-starting game may help reinvigorate your relationship and teach you something new about your partner.

Reintroduce yourself to your partner by setting time to discuss icebreaker questions that dig beneath the surface.

Connect through music

Remember the days of making your school crush the ultimate mixtape?

A 2011 study found that shared music preferences create stronger social bonds.

Feel the nostalgia and curate your own playlist of songs that remind you of your partner and the moments you’ve shared. Swap your playlists and get a peek into each other’s romantic side.

Start a book club for two

Reading can allow you to share an experience together at your own pace. Alternate the responsibility of choosing a book that’s grabbed your attention, and set a date to discuss it over dinner.

Eye gazing

Initiating long-held eye contact with your partner may help you two feel a stronger connection.

Prolonged eye contact can help you recognize emotions, build trustTrusted Source, and increase intimacy.

A 2018 study associated eye gazing with “self-other merging,” reducing the boundary between yourself and the other person to feel unity.

As the saying goes, the eyes are the window to the soul, so why not give it a try?

Practice gratitude

Gratitude has many benefits, including boosting well-being for yourself and your relationship.

A 2017 studyTrusted Source found that sharing gratitude with your partner increases oxytocin, a hormone that helps calm you and decrease stress. Researchers in the study found that gratitude led to a “greater experienced love” in the 129 participants.

At the end of each day, take time to share three things you’re grateful for with your partner.

Increase your cuddle time

There’s a reason why cuddling with your partner feels so good: Cuddling causes your body to release oxytocin and reduces cortisol, the stress hormone.

Penn Medicine reports that hugging can also lower resting blood pressure and regulate sleep patterns. If you’re feeling warm and fuzzy, your body is doing its job!

Invest in a therapy workbook

Find a couples therapy workbook in a book store or online and take time each week to go through assigned activities with your partner.

Dr. Annie Hsueh, PhD, of Hope and Sage Psychological Services, recommends her clients read and answer the question prompts in “Hold Me Tight” by Dr. Sue Johnson.

Hsueh also recommends “The Couple Home Connection System,” a workbook filled with exercises designed to help couples connect in “deeper, more meaningful ways.”

Unplug from your devices

According to a 2014 report by the Pew Research Center, 25 percent of people in a serious relationship say cellphones distract their partner when they’re alone together.

If distraction and a feeling of absenteeism is infiltrating your relationship, experiment with setting aside time to fully unplug and communicate with each other.

Every relationship has conflict. Learning how to handle your conflicts can not only patch up your issues but also make your relationship much stronger.

In couples therapy, a licensed counselor works with two people to improve their relationship.

Like any form of therapy, couples counseling requires a commitment and willingness to open up from both involved parties.

According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, more than 98 percent of people reported marriage and family therapy services as good or excellent.

Counseling doesn’t have to be a guarded practice reserved for any “type” of person. Couples therapy can help anyone in a relationship, regardless of demographics like sexual orientation and age.

“Couples can form a more secure bond with one another and be able to have vulnerable conversations without pushing the other person away,” Hsueh says.

When committing to couples therapy, come with an open mind, and be ready to break down the barriers of communication.

If you’re in need of a relationship refresh, counseling may be a great option for you.

No matter your situation, every couple can benefit from participating in couples therapy and acquiring a toolkit to deepen their connection with their loved one.

“The benefits to couples therapy are endless. The mere act of seeking couples therapy can be a demonstration of the significance and importance you place on your relationship,” says Nikki Young, LMFT.

“My goal in couples therapy is to teach couples how to navigate life together as a team, so that ultimately they say, ‘Hey, thanks for the support, but we got it from here,’” she adds.

The perks of couples therapy can include:

  • having a third-party mediator to help facilitate constructive conversations
  • finding new ways to communicate with your partner
  • decreasing distress and conflict within your relationship
  • being intentional with your time and words
  • setting time to dedicate to the improvement of your relationship
  • creating a safe, calm space in therapy to discuss difficult topics
  • practicing techniques to enhance emotional and physical intimacy
  • forming action plans to make your relationship a priority
  • identifying harmful or damaging patterns in your relationship and working around them
  • rebuilding trust with one another
  • establishing healthy boundaries in your relationship
  • having a therapist who can identify underlying issues and emotions you might not be aware exist
  • discovering and developing valuable skills to manage conflict
  • finding common ground and learning to relate to each other in a loving, kind way
  • feeling supported and listened to in your relationship
  • building skills to identify your needs and wants in a relationship

When it comes to committing to couples therapy, partners can start therapy for any reason that causes them conflict, distress, or mistrust.

Some common reasons couples may seek therapy include:

  • the need to rebuild trust after infidelity or deceit
  • to enhance physical and emotional intimacy if you’re feeling unsatisfied
  • to overcome trauma
  • going through a transition together, like parenthood or a big move
  • having different, conflicting views on how to parent
  • to help manage substance use disorder recovery for one or both partners
  • to learn more about the relationship and prevent future
  • feeling lost in the busyness of life
  • experiencing the grief of losing a loved one
  • the desire to have fun within your relationship and reignite your spark
  • anger issues that make it difficult to resolve conflict in a rational way
  • wanting to define the significance and seriousness of a relationship with the help of a third party
  • working through infertility
  • blended families and step-parenting
  • career pressures and job changes
  • financial problems

“Oftentimes, couples wait to seek therapy until they have reached a point of crisis within their relationship. And while this is likely a fitting time to seek couples therapy, please consult with a provider to ensure couples counseling is the right avenue of support,” Young says.

But in dangerous or dire situations, mental health professionals may advise another path.

“There are times when couples therapy is not indicated, such as situations of characterological domestic violence or an ongoing affair. In situations such as these, the therapist will likely recommend individual counseling instead,” she says.

No problem is too big or small for therapy, especially with the help of an experienced licensed professional.

From feeling disconnected to your partner to overcoming infidelity, exercises and techniques developed by licensed therapists can rehabilitate your relationship and improve your communication skills.

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Grinding Is the Most Underrated Sex Act

Don’t leave this steamy sex act in high school. It’s worth your adult attention.

By Gabrielle Kassel

Last week during a Zoom birthday celebration, I was mid-professing my love for bump-and-grind hookup action when I noticed some nose-turning happening on the screen. My friends weren’t being judgmental, exactly, but many had taken on the kind of bored expression I reserve for whenever The Bachelor franchise comes up in conversation. Apparently, most of my pals left grinding behind in high school, along with thin-strip eyebrows, slap bracelets, and disc CDs.

While every pleasure-seeker is welcome to their own opinions and preferences, (*insert Carrie Bradshaw voice*) I couldn’t help but wonder: “Are people actively short-changing their pleasure by leaving grinding in the past?”

Obviously, I had a hunch the answer was a big fat YES. But I’m a professional sex journalist, so I took an investigative approach and talked to Taylor Sparks, erotic educator and founder of Organic Loven, as well as other pleasure-seekers who’ve kept the act in their sexual repertoires long after they’d first read The Catcher In The Rye.

Uh, What Do You Mean By… Grinding?

Before we can dive into my thesis statement (that grinding is the best and most underrated sex-tivity), let’s get on the same page about what grinding even is. Really, grinding is any sex act where at least one person is stimulating their external genitals on something or someone.

It can be enjoyed alone using a pillow, the arm of the couch, your own knuckles, or a stuffed animal, says Sparks. Or, it can be enjoyed with a partner. During partnered play, grinding can look like genital-on-genital rubbing, with or without clothes. But, it can also look like genital-on-thigh, genital-on-hip, etc., rubbing, she says.

Grinding can also be known as outercourse, coital alignment, tribadism (vulva-on-vulva grinding), or heavy petting. When all parties involved are fully clothed, it’s also dubbed dry humping, while when all parties are fully naked and rubbing their genitals together, it’s known as scissoring. In what world would a sex act that’s not worth enjoying have that many nicknames? (It wouldn’t!)

Why Grinding Sex Rocks

Two words: Clitoral stimulation. Did you know 73 percent of vulva owners either need clitoral stimulation to orgasm or have better orgasms with clitoral stim? “Grinding gives vulva owners the clitoral stimulation most need to orgasm,” agrees Sparks.

Personally, I enjoy grinding because I enjoy clitoral stimulation, but my glans clitoris (that’s the external portion) is very sensitive. If the little bud is stimulated too much, too fast, suddenly the entire situation becomes a delicate dance of avoiding my clit. Not exactly pleasurable. However, grinding — specifically, clothed grinding — provides a consistent hum of pressure that feels oh-so-good against my clit and manages to do so without overstimulating it.

Sparks adds that the G-spot can also be (indirectly) stimulated by grinding. “The G-spot sits right underneath and behind the pubic bone, so putting pressure on the pubic mound can stimulate that area and offer a really erotic sensation.”

For the record: Grinding can also feel good for people with penises, too. It makes sense if you think about it: What do a hand job, oral sex, and penetrative intercourse have in common? They all involve stimulating the external portion of the penis. “Because rubbing and grinding also involve stimulating the external portion of the penis, they too can be very stimulating for a penis owner,” says Sparks. If penis owners have not been circumcised, “the back and forth motion of grinding can also move the foreskin up and down the penis in a way that can be incredibly stimulating.”

In addition to feeling good, grinding is what Theo, 26, a trans man calls “period-sex proof,” which is why he loves the position so much. “My period gives me gender dysphoria,” he explains. (Gender dysphoria is when someone experiences distress over their biological sex or genitals not being the same as their gender identity.) As such, he doesn’t like engaging in any unclothed sex acts when he’s menstruating. “Grinding sex allows me to keep all of my clothes on during that time of the month, and still receive pleasure,” he says. “Plus, I usually orgasm.”

Dawson, 24, a transfeminine lesbian also credits the position with being identity-affirming for her. “Grinding with clothes on allows me to have orgasmic sex with someone (for instance, a one-night stand) without needing to have a really intimate conversation about my genitals, what I like them called, etc.”

Meanwhile, Courtney, 32, a queer cisgender woman enjoys it because it’s a lower risk activity. “I have herpes, and I’m not on antiretrovirals,” she says. “When I think I may be about to having an outbreak, grinding with our underwear on is one of the ways my boyfriend and I continue having sex.”

She’s right: Grinding is a lower-risk sexual activity — but FTR, in certain circumstances, there is still some risk of STI transmission and pregnancy. If you’re both clothed, the risk of STI transmission is basically zero. If, however, there’s genital-to-genital contact it’s possible for STIs to spread through skin-to-skin contact (HPV, herpes, syphilis, trichomoniasis) or sexual fluids (HPV, HSV, chlamydia, gonorrhea, HIV), too. (Related: Can STDs Go Away On Their Own?)

Pregnancy is possible anytime a person with testicles and a person with an ovary and uterus have penis-in-vagina intercourse. While grinding usually isn’t synonymous with P-in-V, there aren’t any grinding cops, so, if you want to quantify P-in-V as grinding — or use grinding as a precursor of P-in-V — I won’t yuck your yum. Just be aware that pregnancy is possible if those aforementioned requirements are met.

How to Make Grinding Sex Feel Even Better

Trust, these five grinding tips will convert you — and your partner(s) — into fans, too.

1. Dress for the occasion.

“Different types of clothing fabric will generate different types of stimulation,” says Sparks. What feels good to you will vary based on your individual preferences. Denim and corduroy, for example, lend themselves well to intense friction, as do any bottoms replete with seams. Silk, on the other hand, is best for an increased feeling of slipperiness against your bits, she says.

Personally, I like grinding while wearing stretchy leggings or sweats, which allow me to easily spread my legs, and get into a position that makes stimulating my hot-spots easier.

2. Add lube.

Don’t let its nickname (“dry humping”) keep you from adding a little store-bought wetness to your play! Personally, I like to add a little dab of lube between my labia to reduce the discomfort of friction between my downstairs lips. (See: Why Lube Makes Every Sex Scenario Better)

3. Bop in a butt plug.

While I haven’t tried wearing a butt plug during grinding, Carter, 32, and his partner Hannah have. “Hannah wears a butt plug whenever we’re going to a public event,” says Carter. “That way when we sneak off to the coat closet or bathroom to get it on, we can do so with all of our clothes on, and she can still get off,” he says. Hannah, he says, can’t get off from clitoral stimulation alone, but can when she’s being filled anally. (Related: The Best Anal Sex Toys, According to Sexperts)

4. Bring in a buzzy buddy.

Honestly, any type of vibrator can probably be used here, but I recommend wand vibrators.

Just last week I finished unwrapping a new Le Wand wand vibrator (Buy It, $140, babeland.com) when my boo came over. She reached for the glittery thing on my living room table (oh, the life of a sex writer) and turned it on. When I kissed her hello, she began using the buzzy thing on my back. As we continued kissing, she began dragging the wand down my body.

Eventually, she held the wand between our bodies while we bumped and humped against the other’s fully-clothed bodies until, as the Trey Songz bop goes, the neighbor knew both our names.

5. Try standing grinding sex.

“Standing with your partner, and grinding with (or against) them, while one of you leans against the wall can be very sexy and satisfying,” says Sparks. Basically, she recommends recreating the front-facing grinding dance position your middle and high school teachers didn’t allow.

“Adding in a sexy location can take you to an even higher level of sexual heat,” she adds. So, maybe take try standing grinding in the coat closet at your next party. Fair warning: As the aforementioned story suggests, grinding can still be moan-inducing, so you’d do well to mind the noise if you’re in public.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sexual fantasies are completely normal

— Here are the 7 most common ones

By Callie Tansill-Suddath

  • There is a wide range of common sexual fantasies from multi-partnered sex to daydreaming about sex in public. 
  • Other common sexual fantasies include voyeurism, sex with a partner of the same gender, and romantic sex.
  • Before acting on a sexual fantasy it’s important to establish consent and adhere to local laws regarding public nudity. 

Sex is a topic that can spark many complicated feelings. Even the most sex-positive folks can find themselves feeling confused and uncertain when reflecting on the arousing, erotic mental images — otherwise known as sexual fantasies — they conjure up in their head. 

It is easy to get caught up thinking your innermost thoughts are deviant. But, chances are even your most taboo fantasies are normal and healthy. In fact, evidence suggests that those who have sexual fantasies experience less anxiety and a greater sense of self-esteem.

Daydreaming about sex is completely normal, and acting on a shared fantasy may even help spice up a relationship. Just make sure that you establish consent and boundaries with your partner, and are following all local laws around nudity and sex.

Below you will find examples of some of the most common fantasies people experience — and how to act on them safely. 

1. Multi-partner sex

Multi-partner sex involves sex with more than one partner of the same or different genders. Sex with three partners may be called a threesome and more may be called an orgy.

A 2017 study published in Archives of Sexual Behavior involving 274 Canadian university undergraduates revealed 64% of participants had some interest in multi-partner sex.

Another study published in Personality and Individual Differences involving 788 British adults found that men specifically may fantasize more about multi-partner sex. Male participants of the study were more likely to fantasize about sex with multiple people and with anonymous partners. Meanwhile, women’s fantasies were more likely to include same-sex partners and famous people.

2. Dominant or rough sex

Rough sex is a sexual act that is aggressive, animalistic, and perhaps somewhat violent. It is often depicted as more passionate than other kinds of sex, but can also be associated with unhealthy abusive sex. Though, rough is not inherently dangerous or abusive.

BDSM, which encompasses much of rough sex, stands for bondage, discipline, domination, submission, sadism and masochism. BDSM encompasses many different kinks — often considered atypical sexual practices. Dominant or submissive sex often involves the consensual assuming and relinquishing of power between those involved. It can involve tying your partner up, spanking, and an entire spectrum of other behaviors and emotional entanglements. 

Some people are aroused by light restraint, others by intense physical pain.

Psychological roleplay — like that between a teacher and student or a boss and employee — may also be considered BDSM as it involves an exchange of power.

Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist whose research focuses on sexuality, discovered this fantasy is wildly popular when doing research for his book on the science of sexual desire called Tell Me What You Want. He surveyed 4,000 Americans and found 93% of women and 81% of men had fantasized about being sexually dominated. Further, 85% of men and 76% of women had fantasized about being sexually dominant.

3. Voyeurism or exhibitionism

Voyeurism is arousal caused by watching an unsuspecting person or people engaged in a private intimate or sexual act. A small 1991 study found 54% of men have voyeuristic fantasies. Meanwhile, a 2006 Swedish study found that of 2,450 adults surveyed in 1996, 7.7% had reported becoming aroused watching other people have sex.

Exhibitionism is on the other end of voyeurism; it is the act of becoming aroused by others consensually watching you have sex or by exposing parts of your body to unsuspecting participants. Both of these kinks can be considered problematic if one is unable to control their urges, if the fantasy causes emotional distress, or if legal issues arise.

You probably won’t be able to act on this sexual fantasy. In the US, and many other countries, it is illegal to watch or tape anyone having sex without their consent. Additionally, public nudity is illegal in most of the US, although the definition of nudity may vary by state.

4. Sex in public or an unusual location

Sex in public is another popular fantasy that may fall under exhibitionism. In Lehmiller’s same survey, he found 81% of men and 84% of women were aroused by a public sex fantasy.

It’s important to note that acting on this fantasy is often illegal. Though actual guidelines vary by the municipality — for instance, public nudity is legal in areas like Denver where people of all sexes can go topless — sex acts in public are illegal in all 50 states.

5. Roleplay and cosplay

Despite their similar names, roleplay and cosplay are distinct fantasies:

Unfortunately, there has not been a great deal of research done on the topic of sexual roleplay or cosplay. An issue in the International Journal of Roleplaying suggests this is because sexologists consider it to be an “insignificant factor of foreplay,” and therefore, is not explicitly included in research questionnaires.

6. Romantic sex

Romantic sex is different than many fantasies because there is no specified definition — what is romantic for one person may differ for another.

In theory, any kind of sex can be romantic. Romantic sex is “…a sexual relationship in which there’s an emotional and erotic connection. It could be long and slow and sensuous, it could be tantric sex, it could, you know, have some BDSM involved in it,” says Deborah Fox, a clinical social worker and certified sex therapist.

Tantric sex, for example, is slow and doesn’t fixate its end goal on orgasm. Instead, the goal of it is to focus on the entire sexual experience and any sensations it brings up. 

Lehmiller reports finding romantic sexual fantasies more popular among younger respondents of his survey. He also found 91% of straight men, 88% of straight women, and 87% of gay and bisexual men and women, fantasize about their current romantic partner — making partners the most common person respondents fantasized about..

7. Gender-bending and homoeroticism

Gender-bending is when a person challenges societal expectations of their gender. Modern American examples of it trace back to 1920s vaudeville and can be linked to present-day drag shows. People of all sexual orientations can practice gender-bending. It’s important to note that this is different from transgenderism, which is when someone has a gender identity or gender expression that differs from their assigned sex at birth.

Homoeroticism is a fantasy that involves sexual acts with members of the same sex. It can be — and is often — experienced by people who identify as heterosexual, not just homosexual or queer.

In fact, a 2019 paper published in Social Forces suggests 3.6% to 4.1% of men and 7.6% to 9.5% of women report some level of same-sex sexual or romantic attraction.

Further, sexual desire is not an either or situation, nor does it define your sexual identity. For example, a heterosexual cisgender woman who is in a sexually fulfilling relationship with a cisgender man can still have fantasies about other women.

Fox thinks of sexuality as a spectrum, or a bell curve. On one tail of the curve is being completely straight, and on the other tail is being completely gay. Most people fall somewhere in the middle. 

“People might identify as straight, but they can have a little titillation about you know, imagining, or even engaging [in same-sex sexual acts],” says Fox. “Some heterosexual people do have sex with the same gender person occasionally…having that homosexual fantasy, I don’t think it necessarily means anything about their identity in and of itself.”

Tips for approaching your partner with sexual fantasies

Trying out fantasies with your partner is exciting and thrilling. But, before you start, there are important aspects of experimentation you should ensure are in place for utmost safety and pleasure.

1. Establish consent

The most important thing to establish when having sex with partners is consent. It shows a partner you respect them and their body, and a sexual act without consent is assault.

Consent is explicit, non-coercive permission to engage in a certain act, in this case, one of a sexual nature. It can be revoked at any time. It is the most vital aspect of healthy sex.

Consent is not merely “no means no” — but more of a “yes means yes.” It looks like:

  • Consistently checking in with a partner throughout a sexual experience
  • Asking explicitly if they like something before you do it
  • Discontinuing an act if they ask you to stop — even if they agreed to it beforehand

2. Discuss boundaries

To have the safest possible experience, you must be transparent about what it is you want and don’t want. This can include:

  • Set an agreed-upon plan for how the sexual encounter might go, including what is off-limits
  • Establish a safe word to say when you begin to feel unnerved, so your partner knows when to stop,

The basis of these boundaries is consent, which can be relinquished at any time. It is important to get permission before trying anything new, or even if it’s something you do regularly.

3. Use proper protection

To avoid transmitting any STIs, ensure you practice safe sex with a condom or other barrier.

Other forms of birth control like an IUD or spermicide do not protect against STIs; inform your partner beforehand if you may be carrying one.

4. Treat your partner with respect

Sex is intimate and should only be experienced somewhere and with someone who you feel safe with.

Understand vulnerability must be embraced when having sex, and do not say or do anything that may make your partner feel judged. Take it slow, especially when trying new things. Voice any concerns or thoughts you may have throughout.

The bottom line

Sexual fantasies are nothing to be embarrassed about. Desire is a key part of sexuality and having fantasies is normal, common, and healthy.

Just because you have a fantasy does not mean you want to act on it. But if you do, it is important to establish consent, respect your partner’s boundaries, use proper protection, and make sure you are following local laws around sex and nudity.

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Diamonds Aren’t Special and Neither Is Your Love

We’ve coupled love to marriage and marriage to gems, and all three thrive on the assumption of rarity. What would it mean for love to be common?

By Jaya Saxena

In South Africa there are mines full of more diamonds than humanity could ever want or need. You won’t get the chance to see most of them; few are flawless enough to enter the jewelry market. As the stones are excavated, carved, and judged by the four C’s—color, carat, cut, clarity—they are whittled down until only the most perfect remain.

Only about 20 percent of mined diamonds are of gemstone quality, and of those, a significant portion still have visible “flaws” or discolorations. Based on these statistics and these rigorous criteria, the diamond you might be inclined to think of, the one shimmering in the window of Tiffany’s or on a newly engaged woman’s hand, indeed seems rare. After all, it’s the perfect stone, meant to represent the perfect relationship. How often would that come along?

“Perfect” diamonds may be less common than their colorful, pockmarked counterparts, but diamonds are abundant. The criteria used to keep some from market were created to serve the diamond industry and change whenever there’s a need to unload product (think of every celebrity who has sported a yellow or pink engagement ring instead of a white one). And most people can’t tell the difference between a real diamond and something like cubic zirconia anyway. A diamond’s perfection and rarity wind up being arbitrary.

A singular person can achieve moments of perfection: a 100 on a spelling test, a just-cleaned house, straight teeth, a just-cut gem. But even then, as soon as it’s attained, it’s dulled by the end of the pursuit, or overtaken by the anxiety of maintaining it. Perfection is harder to affix to a relationship, like a paper label sliding down an oily jar. If perfection is defined in part by its transience, then it seems anathema to something as permanent, and common, as marriage. The perfect diamond is a promise of the perfect relationship, because love is supposedly rare and so is this stone. We want the story that tells us our relationship is special. And we don’t want to accept that rarity isn’t all that meaningful.

Until the 19th century, diamonds were rare. But by about 1870, they were at risk of becoming ordinary. Huge diamond mines were discovered in South Africa, flooding the market, making the gem available, and slightly more affordable, to anyone who wanted one. This was no way to run an industry that relied upon rarity, so the major investors created De Beers Consolidated Mines Ltd., a group that took control of the diamond trade to ensure price stability for the exporting countries and companies, which is to say they owned every aspect of the industry, including how many diamonds were allowed on the market, in order to perpetuate the illusion of diamond rarity—and keep prices high.

“Diamonds had little intrinsic value—and their price depended almost entirely on their scarcity,” wrote Edward Jay Epstein in his seminal 1982 article for The Atlantic, “Have You Ever Tried to Sell a Diamond?” In it, he outlines how De Beers orchestrated a dual lie: that the diamond is rare, but also that the diamond is a symbol of commitment and love that no relationship should be without. In the 1930s, during the Great Depression, diamonds were seen as a luxury, and most women thought it absurd to spend money on one when so many more practical things could be had. De Beers hired the ad company N. W. Ayer & Son, which explicitly set the goal of creating “a situation where almost every person pledging marriage feels compelled to acquire a diamond engagement ring.” The diamond ring, which was not a thing, became a thing. The slogan “A diamond is forever” became fact, and by 1951, eight out of 10 brides in the U.S. were the recipients of diamond rings.

But De Beers knows that diamonds are worth only what they mean to the buying public, and diamonds may be in crisis again. Americans are waiting longer to get married, and progressive social politics have opened up the idea of who can get married, and made people question whether or not marriage needs to be the end point of a committed relationship. The recession once again spooked a generation out of such an impractical investment. De Beers knows, maybe better than we do, that perfection is a moving target.

There was no first conversation about marriage with my partner, Matt. It had always been there, the assumed outcome from the moment we got together for the third time. The first time was in high school, so it didn’t count. The second time, at 21, I felt the weight of forever bearing down on my shoulders. It seemed obvious that this would be the ending, and I didn’t want to go down that road yet, so I left on one of those around-the-world trips that are supposed to stuff you with enough “life experience” in six months to let you skip over the hard work of growing up. Matt left a key for me for when I returned, and I waited in their bed, eating boxed cookies they had left and listening to a playlist they had made, until my eyes rolled shut. I woke to Matt sliding into bed and enveloping me, and to the thought that I would never have to do anything else. Maybe I was like one of those chickens that needs a new chicken to be introduced to the coop while they’re asleep, otherwise they’d be too aware of change and run away. But by morning we both knew where we were going.

Years later, I gave my partner a diamond ring. The diamond had been passed to me by my aunt, and was passed to her from my great-grandmother—a bit of luck since we were each the eldest or only granddaughter of our generations. My aunt had it reset in a yellow-gold ribbon-esque setting, too big for me, but it sat in my jewelry box, ready for me to do whatever I wanted with it.

It didn’t even occur to me that proposing was what I was doing when I walked over to Matt’s side of the bed, ring outstretched, and said that I wanted them to have this for whenever they were ready, because I was ready. As the woman, it felt like there was no way my ask was the real one.

Over the next few months I joked that if Matt didn’t propose soon, I would, as if that would be the most absurd outcome of our relationship, and as if I hadn’t already done so. A proposal—the right kind, the one in which I was being asked—would not change our relationship or our commitment to each other, but I wanted it all the same, and was deeply uncomfortable with that knowledge. I wanted something beautiful and special, and now I was scared I wouldn’t get it, or that it wouldn’t be as wonderful as I had been led to expect.

A proposal isn’t necessarily a bad thing to want. As silly as the presentation of a diamond ring could be, occasion marks intention in a way a series of small conversations just doesn’t. Asking someone to say yes or no in a life-changing situation grants the other person an awesome power. They’re not being asked to go along with a suggested plan; they’re being asked to decide. Still, eventually Matt proposed, and now I’m a woman who was proposed to with a fucking diamond ring. Just the way De Beers wanted it.

We’ve coupled love to marriage and we’ve coupled marriage to diamonds, and all three thrive on the assumption of rarity. What would it mean for love to be common? For marriage to become irrelevant as its benefits are made available to all? I say this as someone in love and in a marriage, who gets fiercely defensive of those things. But I could easily have married my college boyfriend if the terroir were right. I could have married anyone, which is not something I’m supposed to think about. We know that love is not perfect, that it’s arbitrary and common, that if we grew up a state away or spoke a different language, we might not have fallen in love with the person we currently love. But to admit that would be to break the spell and rebuild our relationships on … what exactly? I don’t know how to value things if they are not unique. I don’t know how to care about something if it’s not special, and though I feel like my relationship is the only one of its kind, I don’t know why that is.

I have told myself my marriage is different—unlike everyone who crows about it in Instagram captions, we are actually best friends, we actually have been through thick and thin and know more about each other than we know about ourselves. Surely, all other married couples must be kidding on some level. They must have something to go through the rigmarole of staying together for so long, but no one has what we have. We are the only ones who got it right.

In reality, your marriage will never transcend the institution, but you want it to feel like it will. Marriage is special, so special, but also so common, and to reach the state where it starts sounding like a good idea and not a prison, it has to feel different from the mere idea of marriage. It has to feel like the two of you cracked something open and are scamming the system, and yes, you’re technically getting married, but clearly this is something grander and deeper than the law ever scratched. There’s no way, you tell yourselves, this thing you’re doing, that billions of people have done before, is ordinary. And getting to that point takes effort, not happenstance and coincidence.

The love that you build a marriage on is lying at the back of every cave, amply dull, waiting for someone brave enough to make the journey and bring the right tools. Diamonds, the perfect stones, are not scarce, and neither is love. It can show up in any size, hidden under any mantle, forged in the worst and weirdest conditions. What if diamonds were more special the more we had, and seeing one on someone else only confirmed to both of you how wonderful your shared accessorizing was? I’m trying to let my diamond make me as common as it is, part of a world in which caves overflow with unimpressive pebbles just waiting to be shined up and sold. I do not want my sense of self to be based on what others do not or cannot have. I want to feel the true abundance of love.

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Here’s a handy glossary of LGBTQ+ terms for allies to commit to memory

Because the words we use matter.

By Ali Pantony

Terminology and naming are essential to marginalised communities, and many have their own language to communicate who they are and the societal struggles they face.

For LGBTQ+ allies, committing these terms to memory is a crucial part of furthering our allyship and learning about the community.

It’s important to note that some terms carry derogatory connotations but have been reclaimed by the LGBTQ+ community over time, and shouldn’t be used about someone unless you’re fully aware that they identify with them. Additionally, because some of these terms are so personal, they carry slightly different meanings for different individuals.

Here’s Stonewall’s guide to LGBTQ+ terms and definitions. It isn’t exhaustive, rather, it’s a good starting point to further our education…

ACE

Ace is an umbrella term used to describe a variation in levels of romantic and/or sexual attraction, including a lack of attraction. Ace people may describe themselves using one or more of a wide variety of terms, including, but not limited to, asexual, aromantic, demis and grey-As.
​

ALLY

A (typically) straight and/or cis person who supports members of the LGBT community.
​

BI

Bi is an umbrella term used to describe a romantic and/or sexual orientation towards more than one gender. Bi people may describe themselves using one or more of a wide variety of terms, including, but not limited to, bisexual, pan, queer, and some other non-monosexual and non-monoromantic identities.
​

BIPHOBIA

The fear or dislike of someone who identifies as bi based on prejudice or negative attitudes, beliefs or views about bi people. Biphobic bullying may be targeted at people who are, or who are perceived to be, bi.

BUTCH

Butch is a term used in LBT culture to describe someone who expresses themselves in a typically masculine way. There are other identities within the scope of butch, such as ‘soft butch’ and ‘stone butch’. You shouldn’t use these terms about someone unless you know they identify with them.
​

CISGENDER OR CIS

Someone whose gender identity is the same as the sex they were assigned at birth. Non-trans is also used by some people.

COMING OUT

When a person first tells someone/others about their orientation and/or gender identity.
​

DEADNAMING

Calling someone by their birth name after they have changed their name. This term is often associated with trans people who have changed their name as part of their transition.

FEMME

Femme is a term used in LGBT culture to describe someone who expresses themselves in a typically feminine way.
There are other identities within the scope of femme, such as ‘low femme’, ‘high femme’, and ‘hard femme’. You shouldn’t use these terms about someone unless you know they identify with them.

GAY

Refers to a man who has a romantic and/or sexual orientation towards men. Also a generic term for lesbian and gay sexuality – some women define themselves as gay rather than lesbian. Some non-binary people may also identify with this term.

GENDER

Often expressed in terms of masculinity and femininity, gender is largely culturally determined and is assumed from the sex assigned at birth.

GENDER DYSPHORIA

Used to describe when a person experiences discomfort or distress because there is a mismatch between their sex assigned at birth and their gender identity.
This is also the clinical diagnosis for someone who doesn’t feel comfortable with the sex they were assigned at birth.

GENDER EXPRESSION

How a person chooses to outwardly express their gender, within the context of societal expectations of gender. A person who does not conform to societal expectations of gender may not, however, identify as trans.

GENDER IDENTITY

A person’s innate sense of their own gender, whether male, female or something else (see non-binary below), which may or may not correspond to the sex assigned at birth.

GENDER REASSIGNMENT

Another way of describing a person’s transition. To undergo gender reassignment usually means to undergo some sort of medical intervention, but it can also mean changing names, pronouns, dressing differently and living in their self-identified gender.

Gender reassignment is a characteristic that is protected by the Equality Act 2010, and it is further interpreted in the Equality Act 2010 approved code of practice. It is a term of much contention and is one that Stonewall’s Trans Advisory Group feels should be reviewed.

GENDER RECOGNITION CERTIFICATE (GRC)

This enables trans people to be legally recognised in their affirmed gender and to be issued with a new birth certificate. Not all trans people will apply for a GRC and you currently have to be over 18 to apply. You do not need a GRC to change your gender markers at work or to legally change your gender on other documents such as your passport.

GILLICK COMPETENCE

A term used in medical law to decide whether a child (under 16 years of age) is able to consent to their own medical treatment, without the need for parental permission or knowledge.

HETEROSEXUAL / STRAIGHT

Refers to a man who has a romantic and/or sexual orientation towards women or to a woman who has a romantic and/or sexual orientation towards men.

HOMOSEXUAL

This might be considered a more medical term used to describe someone who has a romantic and/or sexual orientation towards someone of the same gender. The term ‘gay’ is now more generally used.

HOMOPHOBIA

The fear or dislike of someone, based on prejudice or negative attitudes, beliefs or views about lesbian, gay or bi people. Homophobic bullying may be targeted at people who are, or who are perceived to be, lesbian, gay or bi.

INTERSEX

A term used to describe a person who may have the biological attributes of both sexes or whose biological attributes do not fit with societal assumptions about what constitutes male or female. Intersex people may identify as male, female or non-binary.

Stonewall works with intersex groups to provide its partners and stakeholders information and evidence about areas of disadvantage experienced by intersex people but does not, after discussions with members of the intersex community, include intersex issues as part of its current remit at this stage.

LESBIAN

Refers to a woman who has a romantic and/or sexual orientation towards women. Some non-binary people may also identify with this term.

LESBOPHOBIA

The fear or dislike of someone because they are or are perceived to be a lesbian.

LGBT

The acronym for lesbian, gay, bi and trans.

NEURODIVERSE

A concept where neurological differences are recognised and respected in the same way as any other human difference.

NON-BINARY

An umbrella term for people whose gender identity doesn’t sit comfortably with ‘man’ or ‘woman’. Non-binary identities are varied and can include people who identify with some aspects of binary identities, while others reject them entirely.

ORIENTATION

Orientation is an umbrella term describing a person’s attraction to other people. This attraction may be sexual (sexual orientation) and/or romantic (romantic orientation). These terms refers to a person’s sense of identity based on their attractions, or lack thereof. Orientations include, but are not limited to, lesbian, gay, bi, ace and straight.

OUTED

When a lesbian, gay, bi or trans person’s sexual orientation or gender identity is disclosed to someone else without their consent.

PERSON WITH A TRANS HISTORY

Someone who identifies as male or female or a man or woman, but was assigned the opposite sex at birth. This is increasingly used by people to acknowledge a trans past.

PAN

Refers to a person whose romantic and/or sexual attraction towards others is not limited by sex or gender.

PASSING

If someone is regarded, at a glance, to be a cisgender man or cisgender woman. Cisgender refers to someone whose gender identity matches the sex they were ‘assigned’ at birth. This might include physical gender cues (hair or clothing) and/or behaviour which is historically or culturally associated with a particular gender.

PRONOUN

Words we use to refer to people’s gender in conversation – for example, ‘he’ or ‘she’. Some people may prefer others to refer to them in gender neutral language and use pronouns such as they/their and ze/zir.

QUEER

Queer is a term used by those wanting to reject specific labels of romantic orientation, sexual orientation and/or gender identity. It can also be a way of rejecting the perceived norms of the LGBT community (racism, sizeism, ableism etc). Although some LGBT people view the word as a slur, it was reclaimed in the late 80s by the queer community who have embraced it.

QUESTIONING

The process of exploring your own sexual orientation and/or gender identity.

ROMANTIC ORIENTATION

A person’s romantic attraction to other people, or lack thereof. Along with sexual orientation, this forms a person’s orientation identity.

Stonewall uses the term ‘orientation’ as an umbrella term covering sexual and romantic orientations.

SEX

Assigned to a person on the basis of primary sex characteristics (genitalia) and reproductive functions. Sometimes the terms ‘sex’ and ‘gender’ are interchanged to mean ‘male’ or ‘female’

SEXUAL ORIENTATION

A person’s sexual attraction to other people, or lack thereof. Along with romantic orientation, this forms a person’s orientation identity.

Stonewall uses the term ‘orientation’ as an umbrella term covering sexual and romantic orientations.

TRANS

An umbrella term to describe people whose gender is not the same as, or does not sit comfortably with, the sex they were assigned at birth. Trans people may describe themselves using one or more of a wide variety of terms, including (but not limited to) transgender, transsexual, gender-queer (GQ), gender-fluid, non-binary, gender-variant, crossdresser, genderless, agender, nongender, third gender, bi-gender, trans man, trans woman,trans masculine, trans feminine and neutrois.

TRANSGENDER MAN

A term used to describe someone who is assigned female at birth but identifies and lives as a man. This may be shortened to trans man, or FTM, an abbreviation for female-to-male.

TRANSGENDER WOMAN

A term used to describe someone who is assigned male at birth but identifies and lives as a woman. This may be shortened to trans woman, or MTF, an abbreviation for male-to-female.

​TRANSITIONING

The steps a trans person may take to live in the gender with which they identify. Each person’s transition will involve different things. For some this involves medical intervention, such as hormone therapy and surgeries, but not all trans people want or are able to have this.

Transitioning also might involve things such as telling friends and family, dressing differently and changing official documents.

TRANSPHOBIA

The fear or dislike of someone based on the fact they are trans, including denying their gender identity or refusing to accept it. Transphobia may be targeted at people who are, or who are perceived to be, trans.

TRANSSEXUAL

This was used in the past as a more medical term (similarly to homosexual) to refer to someone whose gender is not the same as, or does not sit comfortably with, the sex they were assigned at birth. This term is still used by some although many people prefer the term trans or transgender.

UNDETECTABLE

HIV medication (antiretroviral treatment, or ART) works by reducing the amount of the virus in the blood to undetectable levels. This means the levels of HIV are so low that the virus cannot be passed on. This is called having an undetectable viral load or being undetectable. For more information, visit the Terrence Higgins Trust.

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