Month: October 2020

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“How lockdown helped me discover my sexuality”

For some, lockdown provided an important space to reflect on their sexuality and gender identity.

By El Hunt

What did you learn about yourself during lockdown? Besides discovering that I have a worryingly forensic knowledge of Sex and the City’s finest plot details and a surprising talent for line-dancing, I also twigged how much I was on guard in pre-COVID times. The truth is LGBTQ+ people have been staying alert long before it became a lurid yellow and green slogan, and when life began slowly inching back towards something that more closely resembles normality, I realised how exhausting it is.

Skipping the streets of Soho recently, visibly queer once again due to my quite staggering levels of pandemic-date-PDA, the homophobic comments, wolf-whistles and leery requests I unfondly remember from before the lockdown were back in full force. Before the pandemic, I was practically a professional when it came to shooting icy looks at men who swaggered up in the middle of dates to ask if they could “join in” or shoving my hand safely into my pocket after catching a stranger glaring at me holding hands with a woman – these daily interruptions were so routine that it was practically muscle memory. Now, it feels more jarring, because for a few blissful months I’d mostly forgotten that homophobia even existed.

I’m lucky enough to share a flat with a fellow queer, and so my lockdown was completely free of the anxiety that comes with encountering rogue bigots in everyday life. Having that extra space surprised me. I thought I’d just knock together a few sourdough loaves, and puff my way through Couch to 5k with the help of Sophie Ellis Bextor’s greatest hits. Instead it ended up becoming an important place to experiment with how I wanted to express myself.

I’ve always preferred dressing like a especially garish character from Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2 and shopping in the men’s section. But in the past, I’ve deliberately toned it down honestly, to avoid drawing attention to myself. But during lockdown, I sort of stopped caring about what other people think. This was no doubt helped along by months without the pressure of being looked at by strangers. Plus, it’s given me more time to think more about what I actually want from relationships when this pandemic finally ends.

I’m not alone in going through this period of reflection and experimentation, either. For many queer people, it seems lockdown and the pandemic has given them to space and time to think about their identities.

“It gave me a chance to think about queer means for my gender identity”

says Alex*,32, from East London

For years, Alex has worked in diversity and inclusion for LGBTQ+ organisations and has long been vocal about standing up for other people and their experiences. Growing up in Yorkshire, “I always knew that I was attracted to everyone,” they say. None of the labels that people applied to Alex early on felt right and bi and lesbian didn’t fit. Then they heard the word queer, and thought, “that works for me.” Up until recently Alex had only considered queerness in terms of how it related to sexuality. “I never had a chance to think about what the word queer means for my gender identity,” they say. A couple of weeks ago they began using she/they pronouns.

“It was life without any kind of binary 9-to-5… or binary anything”

Alex has been living with their girlfriend during lockdown, “and that’s been a really supportive and safe space to have conversations and explore,” they say. “One day I put on my girlfriend’s dress and wandered around the house in that and it felt quite good actually! It’s only through being in the house that I’ve been able to not worry so much about it anymore. Besides, everyone’s queuing for Sainsbury’s in their slippers. Nobody’s going be looking at me in a dress.”

Alex reckons that stepping away the bustle of everyday London life – with its sardine-like commutes and endless pub trips – presented a rare opportunity. “It was life without any kind of binary 9-to-5, or binary anything,” they say. “It’s given me a chance to think about life without binary sexual orientation, or a binary gender. You can just be everything, anything or nothing and that’s OK.”

As the strictest restrictions have lifted, Alex has found it jarring experiencing homophobia for the first time in months. Recently a stranger shouted abuse when they were out on a walk with their girlfriend. “My brain has been able to rest from it. I wasn’t on high alert wondering whether we can walk down this street together. It feels a bit like I’ve taken back the time I’ve spent in the past being anxious and feeling edgy. I’ve used that energy to think more about myself.”

“I’ve finally realised who I am”

says Steffe, 34, from Huddersfield

For Steffe, a mum of three who lives in Huddersfield, lockdown has been a difficult journey. Before the pandemic hit, she worked as a nurse in the NHS, but was signed off from work just before the lockdown. Five months ago, her nine-year relationship with the father of her two youngest came to an end. They had been struggling to make things work, and in February they reached breaking point. Steffe proposed on a trip to London, and her ex said no. “I always thought marriage was what I wanted,” she says. “ I tried to put a plaster on my relationship.”

The upheaval led Steffe to reflect on what she actually wanted. “I’d been with a few girls before I got with my ex. I’d always wanted a threesome, but actually I think it was more about me wanting to be with a girl. Now I’ve started to think about what’s actually important, and what my core values are. And loving who you love – that’s a massive core value.”

“It has been a really hard time, with a lot of transitions.”

In lockdown, Steffe found space to experiment. She shaved her hair, and has been trying out different colours. Cut off from LGBTQ+ venues, lesbian accounts on TikTok became an important outlet where she could be herself. “I’ve not got any LGBTQ+ friends,” she says. “So I’m finding it really difficult in the pandemic. I want to have some fun but I’m stuck in straightville. It’s no fun there!”

When Pride came around in June, Steffe decided to come out on social media “I posted that I was bisexual, but to be honest I don’t know what I am at the moment,” she explains. I’m still on that journey. I don’t want to put a label on it.”

She doesn’t view her time in lockdown with rose-tinted glasses. “People say we’re all in the same boat, but really, we’re all in the same storm, in different boats. Some of the boats have a hole in,” she points out. “It has been a really hard time, with a lot of transitions. I had to really figure myself out. But I’ve had time to think, and I’ve finally realised who I am. I know that I can shape my own future now.”

“To feel safe in a space that isn’t your home is worth its weight in gold”

says Bec, 30, from Doncaster

At the beginning of this year, student Bec was just beginning to think more about their gender identity. Before the pandemic effectively bolted the doors of every club in the country shut, they would go to south London LGBTQ+ venue The Chateau almost every weekend. “Being in that space gave me a lot of confidence,” Bec says, “because I was around a lot of people I could see were like me. Not having that during lockdown has been really hard. To feel safe in a space that isn’t your home, that really is worth its weight in gold.”

Earlier this year, Bec lived with their sister and a queer friend in a flatshare in south London. At home and out at LGBTQ+ venues they felt safe, but also felt slightly wary towards other public spaces. “For ages I felt very uncomfortable in the clothes that I owned,” they explain, “but I didn’t know how to swan back into uni wearing something totally different. I think I was worried about feeling noticeable to people.” The extra space afforded by lockdown changed things, Bec says. “I’ve had a shield to be myself, for nobody else but me.” The earlier restrictions around meeting up also “opened up pockets of space,” to speak to friends one-on-one about their non-binary identity and using they/them pronouns.

Around a month ago, Bec ended up moving in with their parents in Doncaster – a financial choice because of the impact of the pandemic. “In an ideal world, I wouldn’t have chosen this,” they say. “My mum is White British, and my dad is Congolese. Culturally for my dad, gender isn’t spoken about that much within his immediate family. There’s a religious aspect with both of my parents as they’re Christians. And so there was an added layer of nervousness coming home.”

The first couple of weeks were uncomfortable. Their parents were inadvertently using the wrong pronouns, and Bec wasn’t sure how to broach the subject. Then their dad brought it up over dinner and noticed that they were “dressing very differently.”

“Once it did come up, he responded quite well,” Bec says. “He’s really trying and putting in some work. When he comes downstairs he usually says, ‘Hi girls’. The other morning he said, ‘Hi humans’ instead. We all had a laugh about that.”

Months on from the initial lockdown, our lives remain drastically different – and it’s taxing for many LGBTQ+ people being isolated from their community. Virtually every queer venue in the country remains closed, and any return to normality feels a long way away. But for some of us, perhaps this unexpected time away from the daily grind has also shown how restrictive “normal” life really was sometimes. Forget about the new normal – when all of this eventually blows over, I’m planning on focusing more on the new me.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Term ‘Sexual Preference’ Is Outdated, Offensive, and Incorrect

By Erin Bunch

During Tuesday’s confirmation hearing at the Senate Judiciary Committee, Judge Amy Coney Barrett, President Trump‘s latest nominee to the Supreme Court, utilized the term “sexual preference” in discussions surrounding LGTBQ+ discrimination. Specifically, she stated that she “would not discriminate on basis of sexual preference” if confirmed.

While Barrett, 47, is not alone in deploying this phrase to describe different types of attraction (physical, romantic, or emotional), it is an antiquated term; in fact, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) has been recommending its eradication from our vocabularies for at least 20 years.

“Sexual preference” is not just old-school lingo, either. “It’s offensive because it’s used by anti-LGBTQ+ activists to suggest that being gay, lesbian, or bisexual is voluntary or a choice and therefore ‘curable,’ like through debunked conversion therapy, which actively harms LGBTQ+ people and should be banned everywhere,” says Barbara Simon, head of news and campaigns at GLAAD. According to research, more than 700,000 people in the LGTBQ+ have been subjected to this form of abuse. It is not condoned by any major medical organization, and no studies have shown it to be effective in changing sexual orientation.

Use of the term “sexual preference” is a microaggression that gaslights the lived reality of LGBTQ+ folks while endangering their physical and mental wellbeing. The accepted phrase to use instead, according to GLAAD, is “sexual orientation” or simply “orientation.”

If you are a member of the LGBTQ+ community and want to correct someone who’s used this term, Simon recommends the following template: “”Sexual preference’ is not a thing. What I think you mean is ‘sexual orientation,’ and it’s a scientifically accurate term for a person’s enduring physical, romantic, and emotional attraction to members of the same-sex, or if you are straight, to members of the opposite sex (being straight is a sexual orientation too!). Sexual ‘preference’ is an inaccurate, outdated, offensive term. Being gay is simply how I’m oriented and who I happily am.’”

Simon also points out that Barrett does indeed have a personal history of discrimination based on sexual orientation—as lawyer and Well+Good contributor Jill Filipovic tweeted Tuesday, and as evidenced by Barrett’s views on marriage for same-sex couples and gender identity. While this doesn’t necessarily mean she would rule according to her personal values as a Supreme Court justice, this history—and the judge’s use of a discriminatory term while on the most important public stage of her life—does not exactly paint her as an LGBTQ+ ally that, if appointed, will allow the LGBTQ+ community to rest easy in the knowledge that their rights will continue to be expanded or protected.

After all, Barrett is a lawyer and a judge and as such, her words are not accidentally spoken but rather carefully chosen. It’s important to hear them as they are intended to be heard.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to make wearing a face mask sexy in the bedroom

Don’t live with your partner, single or just in a casual relationship? Then combining social distancing with sex can be tricky. And sweaty.

By Faye M Smith

But there are – amazingly – things you can do to help make wearing a face mask sexy. Which means, you can still stay protected from Covid-19, but have fun at the same time. Not sure if they will work for you? Then get your hands on one of the best vibrators – potentially one which can be controlled via Bluetooth – and enjoy some solo fun instead. Win, win.

But you don’t have to just take our word for it. These top tips are thanks to sex expert Kate Moyle, who has joined forces with sexual wellness brand Lelo UK. So, here’s everything you need to know about staying sexy while wearing a face mask. Plastic gloves or hand gel: optional!

1 How to make a face mask sexy: use distraction

Let’s be honest. There’s no hiding the fact that you’re wearing a face mask. But, as they have become the new norm, it’s definitely easier to blend in while wearing one. And that’s the same in the bedroom. You just need a few clever distraction techniques to help.

“If you’re finding that incorporating a mask into your routine is distracting, then try and change your environment to take away from that,” says Kate. “Dim the lights, use candles or put on music to introduce more sensual cues. This will also help you to relax and be more in the moment. Adding an eye mask or blindfold too, can completely help you get into the moment.”

2 Have fun with the mask

Luckily, things have moved on from when masks first became mandatory, and now there are endless designs to choose from. Want to live out one of your sexual fantasies? Now is the time. “You can use the mask playfully as a part of a theme, outfit or character play and this can incorporate it into the sexual experience rather than it being the standout feature,” says Kate. “Incorporating it into an outfit/role play can make it feel like a funner and more playful way of introducing it into the bedroom space.”

3 Tease and build anticipation

Sometimes it’s the thought of something that is more erotic than the actual event. Use that to your advantage and focus on other areas of the body. If you’re not face to face, then the masks won’t seem as important. “Anticipation is the most natural aphrodisiac that we have,” says Kate. “Building that up will increase desire and arousal. Spend time focusing on the areas of the body that you wouldn’t usually during sex. This can help to make you explore erogenous zones and take your attention elsewhere.”

4 Try different positions

Hate not kissing during sex? Then take it completely off the table by switching positions. “To achieve kissing-free sex you may find it easier to have sex in positions like the reverse cowgirl, or doggy style,” says Kate. “This is where your faces aren’t close together, and you aren’t directly looking at each other so it takes away the attention drawn to the mask.” Being away from the bedroom, outside or even on the sofa can also help.

5 How to make a face mask sexy? Go tantric

Never tried tantric sex? Now is the perfect opportunity. “Try connecting together in other ways,” says Kate. “This could be synchronised breathing, or touch and play that is with your eyes closed and uses the sensation of touch. The basics of tantric sex are about connection, which can be done through breathing and eye contact.”

6 Utilise sensory props

From feathers to massage, sensory props are great for distracting from the face mask you’re wearing. “Novelty is an important factor of sex lives, and use this as an opportunity to get creative and work around the mask,” says Kate. “Texture, pressure, speed and temperature are all ways that you can mix it up and explore together. Sex toys, such as rabbit vibrators, can be used all over the body. They are great for teasing the thighs, and running up and down the spine, rather than just focusing on the genitals.”

7 Add some viewing or listening pleasure

Still worried about wearing your mask and not looking sexy? “You can also use prompts like audio erotica,” says Kate. “Or, try watching porn together. It can help to boost your imagination, desire and arousal by adding a different type of sexual stimulation.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Drugs that interfere with sexual function

By Naveed Saleh MD, MS

Sexual function is multiphasic and involves sexual desire, arousal, and orgasm. Men and women can experience issues at any phase, with presentations including decreased desire, premature/retrograde/absent ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, anorgasmia, painful sex, and absence of swelling/lubrication in women.

Some commonly prescribed drugs cause disaster in the bedroom.

Sexual dysfunction can be a side effect of various prescription medications, as well as the conditions that they treat. Some of these treatments, such as antidepressants and antihypertensives, likely come as no surprise to the clinician, and are commonly implicated etiologies. Although sexual dysfunction due to drugs happens in both sexes, the preponderance of extant research has focused on men.

Here are seven types of drugs that also contribute to sexual dysfunction.

Antiandrogens

Antiandrogens are used to treat a gamut of androgen-dependent diseases, including benign prostatic hyperplasia, prostate cancer, paraphilias, hypersexuality, and priapism, as well as precocious puberty in boys. The androgen-blocking effect of these drugs—including cimetidine, cyproterone, digoxin, and spironolactone—decreases sexual desire in both sexes, as well as impacting arousal and orgasm.

Immunosuppressants

Prednisone and other steroids commonly used to treat chronic inflammatory conditions decrease testosterone levels, thus compromising sexual desire in men and leading to erectile dysfunction.

Sirolimus and everolimus, which are steroid-sparing agents used in the setting of kidney transplant, can mitigate gonadal function and lead to erectile dysfunction.

HIV meds

Results from a cross-sectional observational study (n=90) published in AIDS indicated that HIV-infected men with stable disease experienced sexual dysfunction while on antiretroviral therapy.

“Older age, depression and lipodystrophy, combined with the duration of exposure to protease inhibitor, determined a lower score on various sexual dysfunction domains,” the researchers wrote.

“There is a high prevalence of erectile dysfunction in HIV-infected men, with age and the duration of exposure to protease inhibitor being the only identifiable risk factors,” they concluded.

Cancer treatments

Both cancer and cancer treatment can impair sexual relationships. Moreover, cancer treatment itself can further contribute to sexual dysfunction. For instance, long-acting gonadotropin-releasing agonists used to treat prostate and breast cancer can lead to hypogonadism that results in lower sexual desire, orgasmic dysfunction, erectile dysfunction in men, and vaginal atrophy/dyspareunia in women.

Antipsychotics

Per the research, men taking antipsychotic medications report erectile dysfunction, less interest in sex, and lower satisfaction with orgasm with delayed, inhibited, or retrograde ejaculation. Women on antipsychotics report lower sexual desire, difficulty achieving orgasm, anorgasmia, and impaired orgasm quality.

“The majority of antipsychotics cause sexual dysfunction by dopamine receptor blockade,” according to the authors of a review article published in the Australian Prescriber. “This causes hyperprolactinaemia with subsequent suppression of the hypothalamic–pituitary–gonadal axis and hypogonadism in both sexes. This decreases sexual desire and impairs arousal and orgasm. It also causes secondary amenorrhoea and loss of ovarian function in women and low testosterone in men.” Antipsychotics may also affect other neurotransmitter pathways, including histamine blockade, noradrenergic blockade, and anticholinergic effects, the authors added.

Antiepileptic drugs

Many men with epilepsy complain of sexual dysfunction, which is likely multifactorial and due to the pathogenesis of the disease and anti-epileptic drugs, per the results of observational and clinical studies.

Specifically, antiepileptic drugs such as carbamazepine, phenytoin, and sodium valproate could dysregulate the hypothalamic–pituitary–adrenal axis, thus resulting in sexual dysfunction. Carbamazepine and other liver-inducing antiepileptic drugs could also heighten blood levels of sex hormone-binding globulin, thus plummeting testosterone bioactivity. Both sodium valproate and carbamazepine have been linked to disruption in sex-hormone levels, sexual dysfunction, and changes in semen measures.

Antihistamines

Histamine likely plays an important role in penile erection by activity of the H2—and possibly the H3—receptor, per the research. In fact, histamine has been suggested as a diagnostic tool to study erectile dysfunction. Consequently, it should come as no surprise that antihistamines—such as diphenhydramine, dimenhydrinate, and promethazine—may lead to erectile dysfunction.

Bottom line

It’s important for clinicians to realize the potential for a wide variety of drugs to contribute to problems in the bedroom. If a patient experiences trouble having sex, they may discontinue use of the drug altogether. Consequently, physicians must tailor treatment plans with patients and their partners in mind.

The key to assessing sexuality is to foster an open discussion with the patient concerning sexual function and providing effective strategies to address these concerns.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Here’s what you need to know about sexual anxiety

Feeling anxious about sex is normal, but you don’t have to live with it forever.

By Faye M Smith

Just started dating someone new? Then most of us can relate to feeling nervous about taking things to the next level. But what happens if you have been married for years and you suddenly start to feel sexual anxiety? Turns out, these feelings can develop at any time. And, you can’t simply get over it by spicing things up with one of the best vibrators or acting out a sexual fantasy with your partner. Expert advice is key. But, the good news is we’ve asked a sexuality educator for their best tips on how get a handle on sexual anxiety.

“Anxiety associated with sex or sexual activity can be experienced by people of all ages in all sorts of relationships,” says experienced therapist Dr Katherine Hertlein, expert advisor at Blueheart. “Whenever it happens and whoever it happens with, it’s often rooted in fear or discomfort of a sexual encounter.”

Here’s everything you need to know:

How to tell if you have sexual anxiety

Not sure if you have developed anxiety around sex, or just have “normal” nerves about a sexual relationship? Knowing the signs to look out for can really help.

“Feeling anxious about sex can manifest in different ways,” says Dr Hertlein. “This is mainly through symptoms of sexual dysfunction. For example, those who suffer from sexual anxiety can report an inability to hold an erection (for men). Or, both men and women might have the inability to climax. And this may still be the case if you find your partner sexually appealing. Sometimes it can also cause premature ejaculation or a disinterest in sex. “

What causes sexual anxiety?

The causes of anxiety around sex differ. “It can be related to your state of mind and the fear of being unable to please your partner when it comes to being intimate,” says Dr Hertlein. She explains, that this might stem from:

  • Body image issues. Especially if you’re self-conscious about the way you look.
  • Low sexual confidence. This is a feeling of inadequacy when it comes to ‘performing’ in bed. It can sometimes be caused by a previous negative experience.
  • Increased amounts of stress. Stress in your daily life, from work, relationships, or general life, can cause you sexual anxiety.
  • Loss of sexual desire. Loss of libido might be because of stress or even a side-effect of medication.

Plus, there are other reasons why you may be experiencing sexual anxiety. “Sexual problems can also be the result of an underlying medical condition,” says Dr Hertlein. “It could be relationship factors, power struggles, fears, mood disorders and other mental health issues. Or even cultural or religious factors.”

Going slow can help you deal with sexual anxiety

Keen to make your sexual anxiety a thing of the past? Patience is key. “Try to move away from making sex a goal-oriented experience,” says Dr Hertlein. “It’s about taking your time, enjoying each other and finding intimacy and connection. Not only will this take the pressure off of yourself and your partner, but it’s also a chance to learn what you find sensual. Think of it as a blank slate. This is a chance to explore what you enjoy without the time pressure or end goal.”

Try to improve your lifestyle

Constantly rushing about during the day? It won’t be helping things at night. “Our life events can sometimes cause us to feel stressed or anxious, leaving our minds running even when we’re trying to relax,” says Dr Hertlein. “You might experience stress or anxiety because of something that happened at work, an argument with your family, or perhaps something else. Unfortunately, we cannot always take the stress out of our lives, but you can make lifestyle changes to help with how you deal with them.”

Luckily, the best ways are the easiest to implement. “Some of my best advice is to make sure you’re getting the advised seven to eight hours sleep every night,” says Dr Hertlein. “And make sure you are having a healthy balanced diet, and regular exercise even if it’s just an hour of walking per day. These lifestyle changes sound simple, but they enable us to put our best selves forward to deal with whatever life throws at us.”

There are techniques to help reduce sexual anxiety

Feelings of panic rising? “The goal here is to move away from focusing on the anxiety around our body and sex,” says Dr Hertlein. “General anxiety reducing strategies include mindfulness, breathing, and getting grounded. There are many resources, books, and apps that can help you to become more grounded and less anxious.” But make sure you stick with them. “It helps if you do them for a period of time,” adds Dr Hertlein.

Talk to your partner

Hiding the fact that you’re feeling anxious around sex? The best thing to do is speak up, however embarrassed you feel. “Anxiety in your relationship is likely not a comfortable thing,” says Dr Hertlein. “But, it may be helpful to talk to your partner about your anxieties, especially if your initial reaction is to avoid sex. This will help them understand what you’re experiencing so you can work through it together. The more clarity and communication you have around the topic, the easier it will be for you to both work through it.”

Don’t shy away from professional help

“Finally, if you still experience some issue with your body or sex, it’s important to talk with your GP,” says Dr Hertlein. “It might be the result of an underlying health condition or a result of any medication you’re taking.”

And don’t be scared about talking to a sex therapist. “Seek out help,” says Dr Hertlein. “Therapy for anxiety-reduction or a therapist who specialises in sexual health and couples therapy can be a life-changing method of support. Don’t suffer in silence.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A beginner’s guide to trying BDSM for the first time

How would you even bring it up with your partner?

By Natalie Morris

For total beginners. the world of BDSM can seem incredibly intimidating and miles out of your comfort zone – but there simple ways to ease yourself into it, if you’re curious.

If you only have the vaguest sense of what BDSM actually is, you might ask yourself a number of questions before you give it a try: How can I be dominant? Do I want to be submissive? What equipment will I need? How do I bring this up with a partner? How ‘kinky’ should I be?

As with any sexual exploration with a partner, the key thing here is communication. Talking to your partner about your desires, their desires and what both of you do and don’t want, should be the starting point for exploring BDSM.

Once you’ve covered that conversation, it can be hard to know where to actually get started, and hard to build up the courage.

But, if you’re interested in giving BDSM a try from a novice perspective, the sexperts at Satisfied Box are on hand to answer all of your awkward questions:

What is BDSM?

This is, of course, the first question that needs to be answered.

There is a bit of a debate on exactly what this four-lettered acronym means:

  • B&D – Bondage and Discipline
  • D&S – Dominance and Submission
  • S&M – Sadism and Masochism

The first thing to acknowledge is that just because you’re interested in BDSM, it doesn’t mean you need to practice all of the above. You certainly can, if you would like, but BDSM involves engaging in any one or more of these elements.

‘The way you choose to practice BDSM depends entirely on your, and your partner’s, preferences,’ say the sexperts. ‘No two dynamics are the same, and communication will be an integral part of your kinky endeavors.’

Communication, trust and consent

Communication isn’t the only important thing between you and your partner, you also need a great deal of trust and, of course, consent.

The Satisfied Box sexperts explain that there are a couple of community guidelines that stress the necessity of these concepts:

  • RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink)
  • SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual)

‘Regardless of what tools, toys or techniques you choose to experiment with, we can’t emphasise enough just how important these guidelines are,’ they add.

‘Whilst many (especially beginners) will engage in a considerably light and playful form of BDSM, it’s important to understand that there are risks of both physical and mental harm when engaging in this erotic practice.’

How to talk to your partner about BDSM

Despite the fact that our significant other should be the one person we can talk to about anything, deep down we all know it’s not that simple.

‘It can be incredibly daunting to bring up an interest in something that society is typically judgmental about,’ the sexperts tell us. ‘Especially with the one person you never want to be judged by.

‘If you want to try out some BDSM, however, communication is the first step. After all, the most successful relationships rely on honest, compassionate communication.’

They explain it like this – if you already have a poor level of trust with your partner, you probably shouldn’t engage in BDSM anyway. If you have a good level of trust with your partner, then (although it may still seem daunting) there should be no issue in making them aware of your fantasies and desires.

‘Bringing this up doesn’t have to mean straight-forward verbal communication, if this feels way too scary,’ the experts add.

‘You could leave them a saucy note, or watch a particularly kinky film together,’ suggest the sexperts.

‘You could even begin by asking them if they have any unexplored kinks or fantasies themselves. Who knows, they might even suggest BDSM first.

‘Just remember that for BDSM to work, it’s essential that both parties are interested and no one feels pressured into doing something they don’t want to do.

‘You both need to be incredibly open with how you feel and what you want – before, during and after.’

Introducing BDSM to your relationship

If you’ve got past the most difficult stage – bringing up your desire in the first place – you now need to work out exactly how to introduce BDSM into your relationship.

The sexperts say that it is important to stress that BDSM doesn’t have to involve the cliché latex outfits and whips, let alone anything as dramatic as sex dungeons or humiliation (although this is all perfectly acceptable if you’re both into it).

‘In fact, it’s more than likely that, if assessing your regular sexual habits, you have already engaged in a little BDSM already,’ they explain.

‘Do you and your partner ever like to pin each other down during sex? Or maybe scratch and bite at each other a little, or even experiment with some light spanking? All this falls into the considerably broad category of BDSM, albeit very lightly.

‘If you do any of the above, a natural progression should be quite clear. You shouldn’t rush anything. There’s no need to jump to the extremes straight away.

‘If you like pinning each other down, why not try tying each other up? If you like a bit of spanking and biting, why not try a bit of hair pulling, or even just spanking and biting a bit harder.

‘Just make sure that everyone involved is consenting, and that you have a safe-word prepared just in case things get a bit too much.’

And remember – you definitely don’t have to try BDSM. If the idea of it is just way too intimidating or stresses you out, it is fine to decide that it isn’t for you. It doesn’t make you a ‘prude’ or unadventurous.

Similarly, if you try BDSM and realise that you’re not enjoying it, or you change your mind, it’s also fine to stop and never try it again.

Trying new things in the bedroom should come from a place of pleasure and security, you should never feel pressured to do anything.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The best positions for using sex toys

It’s time to mix things up!

by Faye M Smith

Love using sex toys, but finding things are starting to get a little boring in the bedroom?

Whether you’re going solo, or enjoying being with a partner, we all know that using one of the best vibrators can really boost your pleasure levels. But have you thought about the best positions for using sex toys? Turns out, there are more ways to use them than you might first think.

And, there is no need to feel daunted. New research by sexual wellness brand LELO has found 42% of couples are now using sex toys together. Plus, 32% of Brits say they use one when going solo.

“Sensory play and satisfaction is a key part of sexual wellbeing. And sex toys are a great way of achieving that,” says sex and relationship expert for LELO, Kate Moyle.

“Sex toys shouldn’t compete with, but should compliment partnered sex,” says Kate. “This is because they can offer different elements and sensations that can help you to maintain variety in your sex life. This is also the case for solo play.”

So, what are you waiting for? Grab a toy and try out these positions recommended by Kate:

The best positions for using sex toys

1. Hands-free is great for mixing things up

“Remote controlled toys are a great way for couples to explore giving control to the other,” says Kate. “Encourage the partner using the toy to lie back on a bed with the other partner out the direct line of sight. This will also add to the suspense of not knowing what’s going to happen next.”

2. Lying on your front is one of the best positions for sex toys

This is definitely one of the best positions for using sex toys, but is rarely depicted on screen. “On your front is a great position as it can work for both male and female sex toys,” says Kate. “Position the sex toy between two pillows on your bed and then lie on your front, using the sex toy to stimulate you.”

3. Try your sex toy in the bath or shower

Checked that the sex toy you are using is 100% waterproof? “Then use the sensation of water to mix it up,” says Kate. “For example, turn on the handheld shower or the tap. Then you can swap between the shower head and your sex toy or use them simultaneously.”

4. Use your sex toy all over your body

Who says one of the best positions for using sex toys is just one place on the body? “Using a wand vibrator, such as the Smart Wand 2, can help give you an all-over body massage,” says Kate. “This won’t just help you to relax, but can build up desire and arousal by teasing. Running along the inner thighs, the lower back and buttocks can build up anticipation, which is our most natural aphrodisiac.” This level of relaxation is one of the reasons a vibrator is good for your health.

5. Spooning is one of the best positions for using your sex toy

“Spooning is the perfect position for slow and gentle sex,” say Kate. “And a vibrator can be the perfect addition as the ‘big spoon’ is easily able to reach around for clitoral stimulation on the little spoon partner. A bullet vibrator or finger vibrator would work really well. Plus, you can start your spooning session at any point and then add in the vibrator. Just make sure you have it easily in reach so that you don’t have to scrabble around for it and interrupt your enjoyment.”

6. Let them wear the sex toy, if you can

Playing with a partner? Then let them do some of the work with a sex toy which offers multiple functions. “A cockring that stretches around the penis is great for penetrative sex,” says Kate. “It also offers great clitoral stimulation if worn during sex, particularly when the woman is on top. You can also use it for mutual masturbation or oral sex to add something different.”

7. Using your finger can help guide your sex toy

“A finger vibrator can be especially helpful for solo fun if you are using lube,” says Kate. “There’s nothing more distracting than losing your grip or slipping just as you edge towards orgasm! But it’s also a great addition to oral sex and can be used all around the vulva.”

8. Try your sex toy while sitting up

Forget simply lying on your back. “Sitting up on your knees and lowering yourself onto a sex toy can be a great way for vulva and vagina owners to mix it up at home,” says Kate. “Using a sex toy with a base so that it can be secured to a surface can help. Or, standing it up between two pillows can be helpful if you are on your bed.”

9. Do the reverse cowgirl

Want to try the reverse cowgirl with a handheld vibrator? You should! “It means that you can use it for stimulation on the riding partner, and that you can also use it on the bottom partner on their perineum or testicles for additional sensation,” says Kate.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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7 Fun Ways To Gamify Your Boring Sex Life

By Mary Grace Garis

Everyone interprets sex differently, but when a roll in the sack feels like a choreographed routine to reach orgasm or a chore like doing the dishes or taking out the trash, it might be time to change things up. Like videos games, sex games don’t have to be exclusively goal-oriented. A fun sex game is meant to help you diversify your pleasure (and maybe even make you laugh a little).

Now, I’m not talking about Truth or Dare, or Seven Minutes in Heaven, or what I imagine would be a very short round of Spin the Bottle. There are so many online resources, toys and tools to gamify your sex life, making all parts of the sexual response cycle really count. Hell, there are even some fun options if you’re only doing single-player games right now. Below, seven ways to emphasize the “play” in sex play with fun games.

Fun sex games to play with your partner (or yourself)

1.Wheel of Foreplay

Wheel of Foreplay is a veritable circus of creative sex ideas, using a virtual wheel and different game packs to deliver little challenges. Depending the nature of your sexual dynamic (long distance, solo sex, whatever) you’ll get different prompts. I just picked out a card from the Some Like It Hot pack. “Put on a streaming service and play the last show you watched,” it reads. “Your partner has to perform oral sex through the opening sequence of the show.”

Seems like a dodgy way to repurpose the Sailor Moon theme song, but I love the bravery.

2.Kinkly’s Sex Position Generator

Sometimes the deeper into a relationship the more you get into a certified sex routine—a series almost choreographed moves that traditionally work, or eventually just sort of lose their luster. If you feel like the spark is gone, Kinkly has a sex position generator that you can filter according to position type, erogenous zone stimulation, mobility and accessories. Plug in your pleasure and see what comes up!

3. CalExotics EmojiGasm Dice

If you and your partner don’t know where to start, CalExotics Emojigasm Dice is a super non-intimidating (read: adorable) way to find out where the night should take you. With each die representing body part, action, and location you’re bound to get lucky with these friends.

4.Eforia

Eforia is a sexual wellness app with different functions meant to get you in the mood, but one is particularly good if you’re looking to turn yourself on during solo sex. The “play” feature is basically a dirty choose-you-own adventure roleplay where you receive texts from an imaginary someone, based around a certain erotic narrative. I just tested it out (for journalism) and things got so intense I literally flipped my phone over when my roommate walked into the kitchen. Let’s…move on, shall we?

5.“Use Your Mouth” Sex and Relationship Conversation Starter Cards

Now that we don’t love an old-fashioned game of strip poker, but these cards curated by sexologist Shamyra Howard, LCSW are great if you want to explore desires with a new (or better yet, old!) partner. It features of deck of 50 open-ended questions about sex and relationships that are destined to bring you both closer. Like way closer.

6.Netflix and Strip

As far as resources go you just Netflix for some other streaming platform for this. Easy, right? Courtesy of sexologist Jess O’Reilly, PhD, this game is pretty straightforward. You each select a different word that should occur with some frequency during the show.

“For example, if your selected word is ‘yes,’ you remove one piece of your partner’s clothing each time you hear it,” says Dr. O’Reilly. “If they select ‘no’ as their magic word, they strip you of one article each time they hear it. You can share your words or keep them a secret and let your partner guess. If you do not reveal your word to your lover, it also makes it easier to cheat—and a little cheating is okay in this case as long as it is playful and consensual.”

7. We-Vibe

Break out your toys from your toy box! You can utilize another wearable vibrator of your choosing, but something that can be remote controlled is ideal.

“Wearing a toy like the Moxie or Ditto out for the day and connect to the We-Connect app,” Dr. O’Reilly says. “Make a contest to see who finds it more distracting, for example, can you sit through a meeting? Winner gets a special sexy surprise of your choosing.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Your Guide To Ethical Porn

— What Makes It Different & Where To Find It

by Alex Shea

There are a lot of issues with mainstream porn: It tends to be totally centered on what’s hot for men, can often depict women in a degrading or dehumanizing way, and isn’t always made or shared in a way that’s fair or respectful to the performers. So if you’ve been dissatisfied with most mainstream porn you’ve come across, ethical porn might be the answer. Here’s what makes ethical porn different and where to find it.

Ethical porn (sometimes called feminist porn or fair trade porn) is pornography that is made consensually, treats performers with respect, and pays performers and filmmakers fairly for their work. There is a mutual understanding among everyone on the film set—everyone knows and feels comfortable with what’s happening.

“The whole crew needs to be aware of the inherent complexities of sex work” in order for there to be an understanding of consent between everyone on set, indie erotic adult filmmaker Erika Lust tells mbg.

Ethical porn also often shows more realistic depictions of sex, including people with diverse body types, queer relationships, and real female pleasure. One study found every one in four people who visit porn websites are women. Ethical porn attempts to cater to that, offering scenes that aren’t solely centered around the male gaze.

“I want to change the rules of porn by subverting harmful gender stereotypes and put seduction, artistry, and realness back into adult movies,” Lust says.

Shoot, so do we.

Components of ethical porn.

As an alternative to mainstream porn, ethical porn takes certain items into consideration when producing a film. But how do you know if a platform is adhering to ethical standards, and what ethical standards are they adhering to?

1. The performers and filmmakers get paid fairly.

Ethically produced adult films recognize performers as workers who must be fairly compensated, just like any other actor or any other type of employee in the world. The same goes for everyone else on set: “Everyone who is involved in making them—from performers on set to interns in the office—is rewarded appropriately,” says Lust. This is why you generally have to pay for these platforms.

2. It’s usually not free.

There are some exceptions to this, but in general, there’s usually a cost involved to view ethical porn films to make sure performers and filmmakers are paid fairly. The money is used to pay everyone included in the process and to ensure a film is created in a safe space.

3. It’s made in a safe environment that treats performers with respect.

Sex therapist Kamil Lewis, AMFT, says, “centralizing the physical and emotional safety of performers is essential in creating ethical porn.” That means performers aren’t pressured into doing things they don’t want to do or put in unsafe or compromising situations, ever.

On her adult film sets, Lust says performers can “stop the shooting whenever they feel uncomfortable for any reason.” Performers are people with feelings and opinions that deserve to be listened to just like anyone else. Making sure they’re comfortable and relaxed is necessary to create anything ethical.

4. It shows real sexual pleasure.

A key component of ethical porn is accentuating what pleasure looks like, particularly pleasure for people with vaginas. A lot fewer fake orgasms and immediate arousal and a lot more giggling and skin-to-skin closeness. Sex can be messy and romantic and passionate.

5. It’s created for all kinds of viewers.</h3.
Mainstream porn has left us with a male-dominated outlook on what sex is meant to look like, feel like, and even sound like. Ethical porn, on the other hand, often showcases what sex looks like from various perspectives and understands that people with vaginas not only watch porn but enjoy porn. It’s crucial to “broaden the range of perspectives on sex” by including different voices in the process of filmmaking, Lust explains.

6. It shows diversity across body size, race, sexuality, age, and ability.

Mainstream porn tends to forget about the way the rest of the world looks, the fluidity of sexuality, and the fact that every age group has sex. But ethical porn platforms aim to feature people from all walks of life. The more inclusive, the better. After all, it’s nice to see someone who looks like us in the erotic film we’re watching.

7. Everything is created and shared consensually.

Consent is such a crucial part of what makes mainstream porn seem icky. Sometimes it seems unclear whether the people in a film had agreed to what was happening, and there are many stories of performers who are hit with last-minute scene changes that led to tension on set. Ethical porn has none of that: Everything is created with enthusiastic consent from everyone involved and shared with everyone’s consent. Everyone involved is old enough to consent to sex and given the opportunity to state what sexual activities they do or don’t feel comfortable doing at any time. 

Places to watch ethical porn.

Here’s a list of 14 platforms to help get you started on looking for ethical porn. That said, it’s a good idea to put in your own research to truly dig into any platform you’re considering using to make sure they’re truly ethical (and not just using the label!) and align with your values.

Warning: These are all obviously NSFW links.

PinkLabel.TV by filmmaker Shine Louise Houston is a platform that explores the fluidity of sexuality and features performers who are queer, trans, people of color, people with disabilities, and older folks. Houston created PinkLabel.TV to provide emerging filmmakers with access to ethical production, sexual health resources, and a global audience.

Bellesa is a porn company run by women and making films that cater to women. “At Bellesa, we believe that sexuality on the internet should depict women as we truly are—as subjects of pleasure, not objects of conquest,” according to their website. They offer videos, cams, and written erotic stories.

Kink.com is a platform that highlights BDSM and fetishes. This platform works to destigmatize the shame that surrounds kink and represent various members of society, particularly people of color.

Bright Desire strives to illustrate all of the things we love about sex: the intimacy, the fun, the passion. The platform includes scenes of real-life couples exploring themselves sexually and embracing the pleasure they feel without a script. Filmmaker Ms. Naughty says her films are holistic in that more than genitals are shown—you see the sweat, shudders, and vinegar stroke expressions, too.

Cindy Gallop created Make Love Not Porn (MLNP) in order to showcase what real sex looks like, in every flavor. Real couples and individuals send in their erotic videos and get paid for them. People can remain anonymous if they choose, and they can also remove their videos from the platform at any time.

Ifeelmyself is a platform that shines a light on female self-pleasure. Yes, this includes portraying the female orgasm in its most raw form. This platform allows contributors to share their videos in exchange for payment. Ifeelmyself offers a forum for consumers to interact with one another about the content they’re watching.

Sssh is a crowdsourced erotic film platform that dives into the fantasies and desires shared among their members by combining porn and artistry. Through the use of storytelling techniques like virtual reality (VR) and narrative, their storylines stimulate both the mind and the body.

Lightsouthern is an Aussie platform created by Michelle Flynn that strives to create “really good porn for everyone” and does that by showcasing realistic sex—bodies touching, various positions, and intimate situations. It’s one of the few porn platforms that offers consumers access to features like directors cuts, film festival cuts, and behind-the-scenes footage.

Lust Cinema, Else Cinema, and XConfessions

XConfessions is the first project created by Erika Lust, followed by Lust Cinema and Else Cinema, each catering to a slightly different audience. XConfessions is for viewers who want to send anonymous sex confessions and possibly have an erotic film created from them. Lust Cinema integrates artistry and pornography for storytelling enveloped in passion. And Else Cinema is for anyone who enjoys soft erotica and the sensual aspects of sex. 

Frolicme was created with couples and people with vaginas in mind. This platform depicts the art of mutually consenting sex between adults with a focus on female pleasure and passion. In addition to adult films, Frolicme offers other erotic mediums like articles and audio.

Audio porn is easier to produce ethically because performers don’t need to physically engage in sex acts and have their image shared. Erotic audio platforms also tend to cater to women and genders other than men, as they focus more on storytelling

Dipsea is audio porn that celebrates healthy sex by offering clips for every flavor, interest, or fantasy. They have a story studio where scripts are written in-house, and they partner with voice actors—all of which are paid. Monthly subscriptions start at $9.

In an effort to make people feel comfortable in their bodies and with their sexuality, Carolina Spiegel created Quinn. It’s a free audio platform that has every ounce of eroticism without the length— think quick clips of porn without the visuals.

Sounds of Pleasure is a free audio platform hosted on Tumblr that has a set list of clips that feature the titillating aspects of sex like heavy breathing, raspy voices, and moaning.

Issues with ethical porn.

Just because a platform or film production house labels their films “ethical porn” does not necessarily mean that it’s really made ethically, especially since not everyone agrees on what exactly makes a film and its production ethical.

“Much like ‘organic’ seems to have no clear meaning for food, I am not sure what ‘ethical’ means for porn,” researcher and neuroscientist Nicole Prause, Ph.D., says.

She says “ethical porn” platforms or film companies should clarify their stance on what exactly makes their films ethical and “help consumers by being more specific about how they think they are honoring ethical concerns.” Whether that be how they pay their performers or how they prioritize consent, plainly laid out explanations would ease many concerns consumers have about finding an ethical porn platform to support.

In an effort to change the way our society perceives sex, ethical porn provides the opportunity to bask in sex-positive experiences without feeling guilty about our search history.

However you prefer to engage in porn, make sure you’re paying attention to the company you’re supporting. Opt for companies who are inclusive, treat their performers with respect, and encourage a sex-positive message. All it takes is a little digging and diligence.

And Prause adds, “When you identify one that fits your values, support its production by consistently paying or rating the content well.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Women Over 40 With Amazing Sex Lives Have In Common

by Susan Hardwick-Smith, MD

When it comes to midlife and sexuality, what are the stories that need to be challenged if we want to be among the sexually woke? Inasmuch as these stories are causing harm or are not true, what might be a healthier way to view the same situation?

As an example, let me tell you how this worked for me. In my early-40s, life felt like I was on a conveyor belt going in one direction and largely out of my control. I was driven by a list of things I was supposed to do. Financial planners told me how much money I needed to earn and save to live to 95, to send my kids to an average of six years of private college, and to keep my invented life looking perfect from the outside. We predicted the rise and fall of the stock market for the next 50 years. Every morning, I got up and did what I was supposed to do. I made lots of money, won lots of awards, and made things seem amazing on Facebook.

My then-husband and I had complex wills, life insurance policies, disability policies, and every other imaginable tool to create the illusion that we had this life figured out and under control. I knew the precise date I was going to retire, as well as the date we were going to sell our home. I knew the dates our kids would get married, how much their weddings would cost, when I would become a grandparent, and the date each of us would probably die. Nothing was unknown.

If the goal of all this planning and attempting to manipulate the future was to provide a sense of safety and security, why did the idea of getting old fill me with dread? Why did following this nicely mapped-out path feel like I was being buried in an early grave? The fact was I had nothing to look forward to. There was nothing exciting or surprising to anticipate. Life had been wrapped carefully and stuffed into a box. Looking into the future felt like looking down a long, dark, narrowing tunnel. It was a death march.

At that same time, I was struggling with getting older. I was getting crow’s feet. Gray hairs became too many to pluck out. My sex drive was nonexistent. Women much younger than me were enjoying leadership roles and accolades and were prominently featured in the media. I could feel myself slowly being pushed out of the picture of what matters.

The real reason women’s sex lives decline over time.

After hearing Ben Zander talk about his book The Art of Possibility in 2010, the wall of that tunnel started to be a little more opaque. A little light started to come in. If there was light on the other side of those tunnel walls, what was out there? I read Zander’s book, and my curiosity started to rise. Within a few months, I was devouring a book every week and attending every seminar I could find on the subject of personal growth and spirituality. As my self-invented tunnel started to crumble, the future began to look quite different: an open field of possibility, openness, emptiness—a blank canvas ready for me to paint.

The degree to which this changed my life cannot be overstated, and all I did was change my perspective. Nothing “out there” changed. The only thing that changed was my ability to see it. I woke up.

Here’s an observation from 20 years as a gynecologist and 52 years as a woman. When you feel trapped in a box, you don’t want to have sex. Truly making love is generative, free, expressive, and creative. It’s a dance that takes place in an open field, not a dark tunnel. Love cannot be confined within walls. Trying to do so makes it die.

This observation points to one of the key findings of my research and perhaps the most important “secret.” It’s not aging that causes our sex lives to decline. It’s the feeling, conscious or subconscious, that we are trapped.

This is why women of all ages invariably have a spike in libido when they start a new relationship and why having a deep spiritual understanding (of something bigger than ourselves) is associated with a better sex life. The truth is we are not and never were trapped. We put ourselves in a prison but forget we hold the key. Outside those walls is a world of infinite possibility.

The sexual freedom that can come with age.

As I talked with the sexually woke, this theme came up over and over again. These women did not complain about aging; rather, they appreciated their newfound wisdom and freedom and universally described this as the best time of their lives. Surprisingly to me, many women shared similar images and metaphors to describe their own awakening. In Robin’s words:

“The idea of the fullness in life when we are younger is paradoxical because we tend to think of fullness related to success, achievement, money, and status. Then we find the futility when we get to menopause—the futility of trying to hold it all together. The first half of my life, I felt like I was building a very solid structure. That gave me some comfort. But then we literally start to see our bodies fall apart and realize that it’s all falling apart really. That solid structure was not based on anything real. My new house got old, my perfect kids grew up and didn’t do what the plan dictated, and my marriage fell apart. For me, the acceptance of that and letting go of the fantasy of solidity really let me enter the fullness of life. With the solidity of the walls I had created, I had no access to other possibilities. I was pretty delusional that life was solid. After my divorce, I was free—finally free to have that fullness of life and be available to meet someone I could be my full self with as my full sexual being. I’m 55, and life has never been better. As for sex, I’m only just beginning to find out where I can go with that. There’s no road map, no walls. I can go wherever I want. It’s beautiful.”

All of a sudden you have some space. You can finally ask those questions like, “What am I really here to do?” With that space to reflect, you can integrate yourself, pull all those pieces together, and really show up. People might call it a midlife crisis, saying, “Oh, she went nuts, left her husband, and moved to France.” But I don’t think that’s what it is. It’s an awakening. More like, “Oh, I’ve only been half here all this time.” When you’ve cut off your sexual being and then find it, it’s like you’ve been walking around without one arm then realizing that you have both. “Wow! Look at all these things I can do now with two arms!” Alexa shares another beautiful metaphor:

“I think of my sexuality as a sea snail, the kind with the coiled shell. For most of my life, my sexuality had lived inside a shell. For one thing, it’s not safe to be gay, so I hid. But now when I feel safe and happy, the snail will venture out of her shell and start to venture across the ocean floor and explore this unknown new world. I used to think the shell was a prison, but it’s really just a place to be safe if there’s real harm around. When I feel safe, there’s a door that I can venture out of and go as far as I want.

I’m 61, and I was thinking about women my age whose sexuality has gone out like the tide or at least they think it has. Then I started thinking about spaciousness, to live in the spaciousness of the unknown, of possibility. Inside the shell can feel safer, but I think an existence with spaciousness is what we are hopefully evolving into. There’s this ‘letting go of certainty’ aspect in sexuality that mirrors letting go into the spiritual life. For me, I think that’s how those two come together. There’s a huge element of letting go around the time of menopause. The reality of our finite life can be very freeing. There’s a letting go of needing to be a certain way, the way that conforms to being young. Instead of framing that as loss, to me it’s letting go of a whole lot of baggage and realizing your shell has a door. It’s freedom.”

I was amazed at how frequently words like freedom and liberation were used by the sexually woke in relation to midlife. This certainly wasn’t what I was taught! Freedom came in many forms: freedom from limiting beliefs, freedom from fear of pregnancy, and even freedom to make more noise or be more spontaneous without family in the house. Christine adds:

“Sex is so liberating now. I am past the baby stage. There’s no more waiting for a period to either get here or not and no more worrying about getting pregnant. I know what I like, and we are comfortable with each other. His body knows my body; it ‘listens,’ and it’s learned when to move left or right, keep going, stop, or try something else. Although we talk openly about sex, sometimes he just knows exactly what to do by the way my body is responding. It’s like we are in our 20s again but better because we’ve both learned so much and look forward to just being together.”

“It seems to me there are two possibilities. One is that you are still in a fog of years of youthful, idiotic, and delusional thinking, not really understanding things. On the other hand, now with some years and experience under your belt, you have a certain strength, clarity, and wisdom. I am starting to understand things. In the old days, they would have called me a crone. The wise old woman that the village would go to for advice. But maybe I can be a sexy crone. I feel better than ever. I don’t care so much what other people think. I am free to be myself. I can make love with my husband, and I am all here.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to talk about STI status with your sexual partner

By Julia Naftulin

  • Talking about STIs with a new sexual partner can feel uncomfortable because it’s not something we were taught to do, but the conversation is essential for your health.
  • First consider what type of confirmation you need from your partner, whether it’s their word or written documentation. Then, be straightforward in asking.
  • You should also consider how often you should revisit the topic, especially if you and your new partner aren’t exclusive. 
  • This story is part of a series tackling sex education for adults, making it more inclusive, informative, and shame-free.

When you’re in the heat of the moment with a new partner, discussing the last time you got tested for sexually transmitted diseases isn’t likely at the top of your mind.

But having this discussion with every regular partner you have will make your sex life safer and more carefree.

If left untreated, STIs can lead to health complications like infertility, organ damage, cancer, or death, according to the Mayo Clinic. And if you unknowingly contract an STI, you could pass it to another sex partner.

That’s why it’s never too soon to discuss STD status with a new sexual partner, according to New York City-based therapist Rachel Wright who recently launched a sex-ed workshop series for adults. In fact, the sooner, the better.

Ask yourself: What do I need to feel safe?

Before approaching your new boo, you should figure out exactly what you need from them to feel safe enough to have sex, Wright said.

For some folks, taking a sexual partner at their word is enough to proceed. But for someone else, seeing documentation from a partner’s most recent STD exam may make them more comfortable about sex.

Whatever you need is valid, and “everybody’s all over the spectrum, so we need to know that about ourselves first so that we know what to ask for,” Wright told Insider.

Schedule a time to talk, ideally before you have sex

Next, it’s time to alert your partner that you want to chat. Ideally, you should have this conversation before you have sex with a new partner for the first time.

You shouldn’t immediately dive into the conversation, but instead say, “Hey, I would love to find 15 minutes for us to sit down and have a discussion about STIs,” Wright said.

Though it can feel uncomfortable to be so straightforward if you’ve never broached the topic before, the more you assert yourself, the more natural it will feel, according to Wright.

“The more overt you can be, it’s so much less awkward. It’s less awkward than skirting around it,” she said, adding that it only feels uncomfortable because most people were never taught how to discuss sexually transmitted diseases or infections.

Keep emotions out of it

When you launch into discussing STI status, you don’t need to define your relationship or bring emotions into the situation, said Wright, because it’s a conversation about sexual health and nothing more.

Instead, frame it as, “I’ve enjoyed getting to know you so far, and we don’t need to have a relationship-status conversation. But I’d like to know if there are other people in your life, for STI reasons. Am I at risk for any exposure?” said Wright.

This framing also keeps the conversation open, so if you or your sexual partner see other people, you’ll both feel inclined to share since you created space for these conversations early on in your relationship, according to Wright.

You should also take this time to share your own STI testing and status.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Let’s Talk About Sex and Disability

By Briana Beaver

“Can you even have sex?” Scooting back on my massage table, I brace myself against the wall. Taken aback by the abrupt question, I consider my response. “Yes, I can.”

The truth is I am embarrassed to admit I’ve had this conversation with a few men.

Having a physical disability and related health issues has made dating seemingly impossible. Battling antiquated ideas about what physical disability means for sexuality is something I took up as an undergraduate honors thesis. But however idealistic my aims for educating the world are, I’m still just a single woman with a boatload of fatigue and dwindling patience for ignorance.

Although I am anything but modest when it comes to discussing sexuality and disability in an academic setting, apparently, I’m uncomfortable when it comes to talking about my own abilities. Painful as it is for me to admit, I just don’t have enough experience to answer some of the questions I’m being asked. That is, if I want to answer them.

While part of me appreciates the honesty and proactive nature of such questions, I’m also simultaneously offended. What makes men think they have any right to this information? How is this appropriate at this juncture in early dating?

The fact that disability and sexuality are rarely found together in education, literature, or culture makes navigating these kinds of conversations confusing. Classes about sexuality in my own educational background have never included disability. If anything, the sexual being part of my humanity seems to have been completely ignored because I have a disability.

Although I’ve always planned on getting married and becoming a mother, the logistics of intimacy and the potential accommodations I might require have never been brought to my attention. Attempting to search for relevant resources has yielded mostly depressing results. While people with disabilities openly discussing their sexuality and rights is becoming increasingly common, I still haven’t seen many good resources that offer guidance.

My embarrassment about my limited experience with sexual intimacy is highlighted by awkward conversations like these. I wonder if it is the type of conversation women and men have regularly. I dodge questions that feel too intimate, yet I’ll reveal honest details about the absence of men in my past.

Mostly though, I feel inadequate as a human. I feel small, patronized, and infantilized by a culture that tells me I’m unworthy of sexual attention.

While the topic is uncomfortable, I wonder if somehow it’s a stepping stone to the kind of romantic relationship I’m looking for.

Baby steps, I remind myself. Baby steps.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex after heart attack boosts survival prospects, study suggests

Sex can be a workout in itself.

By Alexandra Thompson

Heart attack patients may have better long-term survival prospects if they start having sex again within a few months of their health scare, research suggests.

Scientists from Tel Aviv University looked at 495 sexually active people aged 65 or under who were hospitalised with their first heart attack between 1992 and 1993.

Results revealed the patients who maintained or even increased their sexual activity in the six months following the life-threatening event were 35% less likely to die over the next 22 years than those who abstained or cut back from intimacy.

An active sex life is often a marker of wellbeing, with the scientists wondering if intercourse soon after a heart attack helped the participants see themselves as a “functioning, young and energetic person”, which could aid adherence to a healthy lifestyle.

Sex is also a workout in itself, which boosts cardiovascular health, added the team.

More than 100,000 heart attack hospital admissions occur each year in the UK – one every five minutes.

In the US, someone has a heart attack every 40 seconds.

Like all vigorous exercise, sex temporarily raises a person’s heart rate and blood pressure.

Sudden bursts of intense activity can trigger a heart attack, which may put some survivors off intercourse. The risk is lower, however, among those who exercise regularly.

“For this and other reasons, some patients (including younger ones) hesitate to resume sexual activity for long periods after a heart attack,” said study author Professor Yariv Gerber.

To better understand the benefits of sex after a heart attack, the Tel Aviv scientists analysed data from the Israel Study of First Acute Myocardial Infarction.

The participants’ average age was 53 and nine in 10 (90%) were men. A 2016 Harvard study found heart attacks are around twice as common in men as women.

While in hospital, the patients were asked about their sexual activity in the year before their heart attack. The same participants were then interviewed three to six months after being discharged.

Just under half (47%) claimed to have abstained or cut back from intimacy following their health scare, while 53% returned to their normal level of intercourse or even increased how often they were sexually active.

Over a follow-up period of around 22 years, 211 (43%) of the patients died.

Results – published in the European Journal of Preventive Cardiology – revealed maintaining or increasing the frequency of sexual activity within the first six months of a heart attack reduced the risk of death over the follow-up by 35%, compared with abstaining or cutting back.

The survival benefit was most marked for non-cardiovascular deaths, like cancer.

The results remained the same after the scientists accounted for other factors that affect mortality, such as obesity, depression and the severity of the heart attack.

“Sexuality and sexual activity are markers of wellbeing,” said Professor Gerber.

“Resumption of sexual activity soon after a heart attack may be a part of one’s self-perception as a healthy, functioning, young and energetic person.

“This may lead to a healthier lifestyle generally.

“Patients who perceive their health as poor might be less likely to start having sex again.

“They may also be less likely to adhere to cancer screening tests and other prevention practices during follow-up.”

Sex can also have more direct benefits.

“Improved physical fitness, stronger spouse relations and a mental ability to ‘bounce back’ from the initial shock of the event within a few months are among the possible explanations for the survival benefit observed among the maintained/increased group,” added Professor Gerber.

The scientists noted the study involved few female and young participants, which may prevent the results being applied to the general population

Nevertheless, Professor Gerber added: “These findings should serve to reduce patients’ concerns about returning to their usual level of sexual activity soon after a heart attack.”

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