Shibari Is Like Bondage’s Cousin, but Better

If you saw it on Netflix’s new series “Too Hot to Handle,” come right this way for all the deets.

By Taylor Andrews

You’ve probably heard a thing or two about BDSM (at the very least, you’ve watched Fifty Shades of Grey and thought about converting your S.O.’s video game room into a red room). The term stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadochism and machocism.

Maybe you’ve dabbled in it a bit, maybe you haven’t. But for those who are interested in spicing up their sex life in both an emotional and physical way, you might want to learn about shibari—BDSM’s sort-of, kind-of cousin.

If you’ve already binged Netflix’s new dating show Too Hot to Handle, you probably saw the contestants practice shibari in one of the challenges and thought: Wait, what the hell is happening? And while I personally loved seeing Harry getting tied up, I’m p sure the show isn’t the best place for understanding and learning what shibari is (lol)—but thankfully, this article is.

Not only can shibari be enjoyed by all genders, body types, and sexual orientations, but it’s a great means to bring healthy communication, trust, and spice into your sex life. With the help of four experts, here’s everything you need to know about the rope bondage about to change your sex life.

Okay, so what is shibari?

“Shibari is a contemporary form of rope bondage that originated in Japan. Sometimes it’s called kinbaku, but it’s most simply referred to as Japanese bondage,” says sexologist Midori, author of Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage. And yes, while shibari can be used as a means for sexual pleasure, historically, it’s been used as a form of meditation, relaxation, and trust-building practice between two partners, says sexpert Gabi Levi.

(Fun fact to impress your friends on trivia night with: The word shibari actually means “tying” and kinbaku means “tight binding,” says Jonathan Ryan, an international rope artist based in Seattle.)

How is it different than regular bondage?

Bondage, in general, can use any kind of restriction—handcuffs, tape, ties, scarves, etc.—but shibari refers exclusively to the practice of using rope, or rope-like material, to bind yourself or partner, says sex educator Rev. Rucifer. “Shibari is often not just about the sensation of restriction, but also about the intimate connection between the rigger and receiver.”

And while rope bondage is used commonly in BDSM practices anyway, “Shibari stands out for its striking visual aesthetic and emphasis on the emotional and psychological connection between the participants,” says Ryan.

How should you and your partner start if you’re interested in trying shibari?

Like engaging in any new sexual experience, communicating your boundaries and hard limits prior to beginning is a must. “Because rope bondage involves restraint and power dynamics, the person being tied may not express boundaries clearly,” says Ryan. “For that reason, be sure to have a clear discussion beforehand about what you both want out of the experience, what is on and off the table, and how you’ll communicate if there is an issue,” he continues.

It’s worth developing a safe word (like “pineapple” or “red”) that could relay to your partner the scene is going too far or there’s a boundary being crossed. Here are some questions you should ask and answer with your partner beforehand:

• What do you look and sound like when things feel good to you?
• How will I know if you’re having fun?
• How will I know when I need to change course?
• What kind of mood or feelings do we want to have while we play (rough, tender, naughty, cared for, etc.)?

Once you have boundaries established, you should get familiar with the basics. Here are some things you’ll need to know in order to get started:

• Learn how to tie a “single-column tie” (like a Somerville Bowline) because that’s the foundation of the practice, suggests Ryan. Here’s a video tutorial.

• Start with a floor tie rather than going straight into suspension, says Rucifer. This ensures that you practice the proper methods before jumping into in-air suspension.

• Have safety sheers on hand… for obvious reasons.

• Make sure you have a safe and comfortable space to play. It should be familiar to both parties.

• The preferred material of rope is jute because it’s a strong natural fiber, but hemp and cotton will work too.

Lastly, educate yourself with videos, resources, books, and anything else you can find on the subject to ensure healthy and safe practices. This rope bottom guide is great if you want to be the person tied up. This website offers general education about shibari from trained educators. And this how-to video can properly get you started if you’re new to this world.

So why should my partner and I try shibari instead of regular bondage?

All BDSM practices require high levels of trust and communication, but for shibari, there’s sometimes a more intimate and emotionally-binding (pun intended) component to it. “The sensation of being tied up is not the sensation of being ‘trapped’ but rather lends itself to the idea of completely letting go of the physical bounds and allowing for that deep, emotional catharsis to take place,” says Levi.

“The play between the power dynamics and the release of control from the bottom to the top creates an intimate dance of trust and connection between partners. This often creates deep emotional connection, sometimes experienced as crying, euphoria or simply a feeling of a deeper connection,” says Rucifer.

Any tips, tricks, or benefits of trying shibari?

• Blindfolds will make everything significantly more fun. “These take the pressure off the new adventurer and enhance the sensation for the person bottoming,” says Midori.
• Keep things simple and sexy. No need to overcomplicate the ties.
• Relish in the untying part too—don’t just focus on the aesthetics of tying your partner. “Take your time to savor that—it’s often when the skin and body is really awake to sensuality,” says Midori.

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