Month: March 2020

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Why Couples Who Communicate Have The Best Sex Ever

By Leigh Norén

Want a hotter sex life? Communication is better than any new sex toy or position.

A good sex life is usually equated with exciting positions, new places and sex toys galore (at least if we’re to believe pop culture’s take on it!). But the secret to a great sex life in a healthy relationship is actually … communication!

Couples in relationships may think that the best sex ever boils down to how they have sex and incorporating new toys or unique positions. But better sex doesn’t come just from sexual technique and performance. Although these things are important — they’re not the only way to make your love life better.

Believe it or not, communication in your relationship is actually one of the most effective ways of turning your sex life from mundane to wonderful. It’s not only crucial to be able to talk about sex, it’s also important to cultivate healthy communication in your relationship on a daily basis.

Here are 3 ways improved communication can have a lasting positive effect on your sex life.

1. With better communication comes increased closeness.

… And increased closeness leads to better sex. For some, sex is a way of getting closer to your partner. This, in turn, strengthens your bond and makes it easier for you to communicate about other things in life.

For others, an emotional connection is needed for sexual desire to be sparked. This means you may need to feel intimate on other levels to fully engage in sex.

You can create emotional intimacy through effective communication.

One way of creating emotional intimacy is strengthening your communication skills. Communication is usually thought of as merely talking, but it actually encompasses a whole range of behaviors. For example:

  • Physically touching your partner is a way of letting them know you’re there for them or showing them what you need
  • Sighs or other sounds let your partner know how you’re feeling without actually using words
  • Texting, emailing, and talking are all ways of engaging with your partner and showing interest in them

Healthy communication is all about listening, validating, and responding to your partner.

When you get the hang of it, you’re likely to feel closer to your partner throughout the day, even if you have little time or your children are screaming bloody murder in the next room.

When this sense of emotional intimacy is felt, it increases the chances of you and your partner feeling like you can let your guard down during sex, release inhibitions, and be who you truly are, sexually.

Sex can be a vulnerable experience.

Oftentimes, sex is equated with shame. This is because of societal norms that dictate what you should and shouldn’t get off to, who is worthy of sexual fulfillment and who isn’t, or ideas about sex being a dirty, shameful act.

When you feel closer to your partner and can let go during sex, feelings of shame or guilt subside easily.

Greater intimacy on a day-to-day basis can also enable communication during sex to flow with greater ease. And showing who you really are between the sheets makes for better sex for both of you.

RELATED: 3 Things Women Can Do To Spice Up Sex With Their Husbands

2. Communicating about sex leads to better sex.

When you’ve got the hang of communication in your relationship, the skill tends to spill over into other areas of life, such as your sex life.

Being able to listen to your partner’s sexual needs and wants while also communicating your own is one of the best ways to create a sex life you both enjoy.

Most couples struggle to talk about sex.

The subject of sex can make some couples feel a little unsettled. Addressing sexual communication is important in healthy relationships — no matter the problem you want help with.

Sexual communication can feel like an intimidating task and bring up all sorts of ideas in your head about having to “talk dirty” or be incredibly vocal during sex. Even if these are two things that definitely can bring some spark into the bedroom, communication about sex is so much more than this.

What does communicating about sex with your partner look like?

It’s about communicating before, during, and after sex. It’s about telling your partner what you like and what you dislike (in a nice way, of course!). It’s about taking an interest in what your partner desires and validating their wants, even if you don’t share them.

The benefits of free-flowing sexual communication.

When you know more about each other’s sexuality and feel more relaxed discussing sex, it usually leads to a more satisfying sex life. No longer will you have to wonder whether your spouse really enjoys what you’re doing, or if another technique would be preferable.

And gone are the days when sex always has to adhere to a certain pattern.

Communication enables experimentation which can be a great way of regaining your libido and strengthening your bond as a couple.

3. Effective communication makes it easier to respect each other’s boundaries and sexual differences, allowing you to have more satisfying sex.

Communication in your relationship isn’t only important for increasing a general sense of intimacy and voicing your sexual preferences — it’s also key to talking about boundaries and differences.

For example: Without letting your partner know why emotional intimacy needs to precede sexual intimacy for you to get in the mood, sex can become a difficult part of your relationship.

Only through communication can your partner know what you need and help you along the way. The same goes for respecting sexual differences in your relationships.

Mismatched libidos and differing preferences for sexual activities are more common than uncommon. This means you need to find ways of talking about your differences, in order for you to work around them and accept them.

If your partner doesn’t know you need to feel close to them to want to have sex — their constant sexual initiatives will start to make you feel anxious. Perhaps you’ll want to distance yourself for fear of having to turn them down yet again. In turn, your partner might feel frustrated, unattractive, and worried that you’re no longer interested in them.

By communicating, you can alleviate the pressure surrounding sex and create a sex life that you both want.

Now that you know communication in your relationship is a key way to have great sex — what’s stopping you?

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is Masturbation Healthy?

A Neuroscientist Weighs In

By Dr. Nan Wise

Is masturbation healthy? When it comes to sex—which is already so taboo—talking about masturbation is one of the most uncomfortable of subjects. It’s one thing to admit to being sexual with a partner but quite another to admit to taking pleasure into your own hands—literally and figuratively. Especially for women. But as a certified sex therapist and neuroscientist, I’ve got good news: Masturbation isn’t just pleasurable, it’s good for you.

For years I’ve worked with people with anxiety, depression, or relationship issues, treated people with problems in the bedroom, and taught human sexuality courses (when I’m not busy conducting sex research as a neuroscience Ph.D.), and yet I continue to be amazed about how uncomfortable people are when it comes to discussing sex in general and their own sexual health in particular. It isn’t unusual for me to have to reassure a talk show host who cautions me to be careful about what I say on the air since they don’t really “talk about sex” on their show. I think to myself, What? You’ve had a show for decades that deals with health and lifestyle issues, and you haven’t talked about sex?”

My work with couples and in the lab conducting studies has proved time and time again that pleasure is not just important but necessary—something I explore in my Glamour column Ask. Dr. Nan and in my new book Why Good Sex Matters—based largely on my research of the female orgasm, which can relieve stress, improve mood, reduce pain, boost immunity, and enhance self-esteem.

So when someone asks me if masturbation is healthy, the answer is a resounding yes. Here’s why:

Do most people masturbate?

The short answer? Yes. The longer answer? More men do than women.

Despite the persistent taboo around masturbation, statistics show that in Western cultures, most people do it. In the U.S., roughly 80% of women aged 25 through 40 say they’ve masturbated at some point in their lives, with 50% of women aged 18 through 24 reporting having masturbated during the past year.

Men tend to masturbate more often than women—largely because women are still shamed for being “too sexual.” If you group men and women together, nearly 76% of young adults aged 25 through 29 report self-pleasuring over the past year.

Is masturbation healthy?

I consider masturbation to be one of the best forms of self-care. Not only does it feel good, it’s good for you.

First, there are the physical benefits of masturbation. My research involved having participants masturbate to orgasm in an fMRI scanner to document how the brain responds to genital stimulation leading up to and culminating in the Big O. We found that when you experience sexual pleasure, many areas of the brain receive more oxygen.

Sufficient oxygen is absolutely critical to healthy brain function, so the widespread increase in blood flow to the brain (particularly regions involved in sensation, movement, cognition, reward, and hormone production) make orgasm a great workout for nearly your whole brain. Orgasm triggers the release of a cascade of substances such as natural painkillers, stress relievers, and mood enhancers. Think of your brain enjoying a delicious cocktail of increased dopamine (associated with reward and enthusiasm), endorphins (our own internally produced opioids promoting feelings of well-being), serotonin (for calming), and oxytocin (which facilitates bonding). The result is a health-promoting natural high.

A regular masturbation practice also has other benefits. When women learn to cultivate the pleasures of masturbation, we radically challenge some of the sex-negative notions pervading our culture. Rather than focusing on being a sex object for someone else, masturbation allows us to focus on being intrinsically sexual beings whose bodies are places of pleasure that exist at times just for us. It puts your pleasure first.

Are there side-effects of too much masturbation?

Any behavior which becomes compulsive can become problematic. I have treated men whose masturbation practices have gotten out of control, causing physical and emotional distress, even interrupting their ability to go to work. These compulsive sexual behaviors appear less frequently in women, although they have been reported. In general, out-of-control sexual behaviors can result when people have trouble regulating their moods and use sex to self-soothe.

The bottom line? By making a commitment to prioritizing your own pleasure though cultivating a regular masturbation practice, you will reap big benefits.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Saying sex increases cancer risk is neither totally correct, nor in any way helpful

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A study published recently claims to have found a link between having had ten or more sexual partners and an increased risk of cancer. But it’s not as simple as that.

While having a sexually transmissible infection (STI) can increase the risk of certain types of cancer, using a person’s lifetime number of sexual partners as a marker of their likely sexual health history is one of several flaws in this research.

The evidence from this study isn’t strong enough to conclude that having had multiple sexual partners increases a person’s risk of cancer.

Misinterpreting these findings could lead to stigma around STIs and having multiple sexual partners.

What the study did

The research, published in the journal BMJ Sexual & Reproductive Health, used data from 2,537 men and 3,185 women participating in the English Longitudinal Study of Ageing, a nationally representative study of adults aged 50+ in England.

The average age of participants was 64. Most were married or living with a partner, white, non-smokers, drank alcohol regularly, and were at least moderately active once a week or more.

Participants were asked to recall the number of people with whom they had ever had vaginal, oral or anal sex in their lifetime. The researchers grouped the responses into four categories shown in the table below.

The researchers then examined associations between lifetime number of sexual partners and self-reported health outcomes (self-rated health, limiting longstanding illness, cancer, heart disease and stroke).

The researchers controlled for a range of demographic factors (age, ethnicity, partnership status, and socioeconomic status) as well as health-related factors (smoking status, frequency of alcohol intake, physical activity, and depressive symptoms).

What the study found

Men with 2-4 partners and 10+ partners were more likely to have been diagnosed with cancer, compared to men with 0-1 partners. There was no difference between men with 0-1 partners and 5-9 partners.

Compared to women with 0-1 partners, women with 10+ partners were more likely to have been diagnosed with cancer.

Women with 5-9 partners and 10+ partners were also more likely to report a “limiting longstanding illness” than those with 0-1 partners.

The authors don’t specify what constitutes a limiting longstanding illness, but looking at the questions they asked participants, we can ascertain it’s a chronic condition that disrupts daily activities. It’s likely these ranged from mildly irritating to debilitating.

There was no association between number of sexual partners and self-rated general health, heart disease or stroke for either men or women.

Notably, while statistically significant, the effect size of all these associations was modest.

What does number of sexual partners have to do with cancer risk?

There is a reason for investigating whether a person’s lifetime number of sexual partners has anything to do with their cancer risk. If you’ve had a lot of sexual partners, it’s more likely you’ve been exposed to an STI. Having an STI can increase your risk of several types of cancer.

For example, human papillomavirus (HPV) is responsible for 30% of all cancers caused by infectious agents (bacteria, viruses or parasites), contributing to cervical cancer, penile cancer, and cancers of the mouth, throat and anus.

Viral hepatitis can be transmitted through sex, and having chronic hepatitis B or C increases the risk of liver cancer.

Untreated HIV increases the risk of cancers such as lymphomas, sarcomas and cervical cancer.

How can we make sense of this?

The authors of the study acknowledge the numerous limitations of the analysis and recommend further work be done to confirm their findings. We must interpret their results with this in mind.

Their use of lifetime number of sexual partners as a proxy measure for STI history is a key problem. While there is an association between having a higher number of partners and an increased risk of STIs, many other factors may be important in determining a person’s risk of being infected with an STI.

These include whether they’ve practised safe sex, what type of infection they might have encountered, and whether they’ve been vaccinated against, or treated for, particular infections.

Further, the analysis was based on cross-sectional data – a snapshot that doesn’t account for changes over time. Participants were asked to recall information from the past, rather than having measurements taken directly at different time points. It’s not possible to establish causation from a cross-sectional analysis.

Even if the association is confirmed in prospective, longitudinal studies, the findings may not apply to other groups of people.

Recent advances in vaccine development (such as the wide availability of the HPV vaccine), better STI prevention (such as the use of pre- and post-exposure prophylaxis – PreP and PEP – for HIV) and more effective therapy (for example, direct-acting antiviral agents to treat hepatitis C) will reduce the impact of STIs on cancer risk for those who can access them.

People with higher numbers of sexual partners were more likely to smoke and drink frequently (increasing the risk of cancer), but also to do more vigorous physical activity (decreasing the risk of cancer).

For women, a higher number of sexual partners was associated with white ethnicity; for men, with a greater number of depressive symptoms. Although the researchers controlled for these factors, these points highlight some inconsistencies in the pattern of results.

The researchers also couldn’t explain why a greater number of sexual partners was associated with a higher likelihood of a limiting chronic condition for women, but not for men.

Ultimately, this study raises more questions than it answers. We need further research before we can use these results to inform policy or improve practice.

The paper concludes by saying enquiring about lifetime sexual partners could be helpful when screening for cancer risk. This is a very long stretch based on the evidence presented.

This approach could also be harmful. It could invade privacy and increase stigma about having multiple sexual partners or having an STI.

We know experiencing stigma can discourage people from attending sexual health screenings and other services.

It would be better to put limited health resources towards improving prevention, screening and treatments for STIs.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A beginner’s guide to kinky sex

Better clear your diary…

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Kinky sex covers a whole host of sexy things, from BDSM and power play to fetish and role play. It can be confusing to understand exactly what counts as kinky sex, and how you can do it yourself. So if you’re looking to get into kink for the first time, or you want more tips on how to do it safely, here is everything you need to know.

What is kinky sex?

Kinky sex basically includes any kind of sexual activity that is related to power, says Lianne Young, sex and relationships expert and counsellor, and writer for House of Ardent. A big part of this is BDSM, which stands for dominance and submission, bondage and discipline, and sadomasochism, though BDSM isn’t the only thing that qualifies as kink.

What does kinky sex include?

There are plenty of sexual acts that can be counted as kink. These can include:

  • BDSM, including dominance and submission, and humiliation and power.
  • Role playing.
  • Fetishes, for example, foot fetishes.
  • Dressing up, including wearing latex, leather and uniforms.
  • Bondage, using handcuffs, ropes, chains or blindfolds.
  • Accessories. This can include anything from bondage materials, to latex gloves, cock rings, pin wheels, and even “putting someone in a cage and treating them like a dog,” says Lianne. If you want to involve pain or humiliation, try spitting on someone or spanking them using a cane, whip, ruler and paddle, Lianne continues.
  • Electric shocks. Taking kink play to the extreme, some companies like Electrastim sell electric shock apparatus to be used for sexual pleasure, adds Lianne.

What are the origins of kinky sex?

The term ‘kink’ was historically used to describe any sexual activity that bends or ‘kinks’ away from the norm. Even today, some aspects of psychiatry still refer to kinky activities like fetishism, sadism and masochism as “paraphilias“, or “abnormal sexual desires”, with these normal and consensual behaviours listed alongside things like paedophilia. However, ‘kink’ is generally now used as a positive term.

“We can really question this whole idea of ‘abnormal’ sex,” says Meg-John Barker, author of Enjoy Sex and host of the Meg-John and Justin podcast. “Actually the number of people who feel some desire for being tied up, or spanked, for example, is higher than the number of people who don’t.”

How is kinky sex different from adventurous sex?

Adventurous sex means venturing outside of your normal boundaries or activities, while kinky sex is more to do with power play, says Lianne. Adventurous sex might be something simple like introducing a vibrator or having a threesome, while kink is often more about power and fantasy.

However, Lianne adds that kink isn’t just about power. “It’s also an important way of enhancing a couple’s relationship through consensual acts involving pain, control and role play.”

Kinky sex ideas to try

Keep things simple

Lianne suggests starting with an easy role playing scenario, like pretending you don’t know each other and chatting each other up in a bar.

Combine pain and pleasure

Pain and pleasure really compliment one another,” says Lianne. “Try ass spanking and then clit stimulation instantly after one another and keep repeating this.” If you’re new to pain, Lianne recommends building up your pain resistance rather than going all out straight away.

Try bondage

Start with a beginners’ bondage kit if you want to experiment with restraint, but make sure you read the instructions to stay safe. “Being tied up can feel adventurous, and if added with a blindfold you can play with the senses of sight, hearing, taste, touch and imagination. The brain is the biggest sex organ,” explains Lianne.

If you’re trying any kind of bondage or dominance and submission, it’s crucial that you discuss boundaries and establish a safe word or signal before starting.

Dress up and use accessories

Good costumes to start with can be latex or PVC, says Lianne, or you can try dressing up as a character. It can also be fun to include accessories, like vibrators, cock rings, candle wax and lotions.

Read erotic stories

If you’re new to kink, reading erotic stories online can give you ideas of different scenes to play out, suggests Lianne.

Do what feels right

While a list of kinky ideas might be useful for some people, Meg-John says it’s better to start with what excites you personally. “For most people it’s not about specific positions or scenarios, but rather playing with different roles or sensations. A great idea to start with is to do something like Betty Martin’s three minute game because that enables you to practice consent as well as figuring out what roles and sensations you might enjoy.

“You might also find Justin and my ‘Make Your Own Sex Manual’ and ‘Erotic Fantasies’ zines helpful for tuning into what you’re into and communicating it. These include making your own ‘yes, no, maybe’ list of things you’d like to try, and as well as plenty of suggestions for fantasies, erotic fiction, or ethical porn,” they continue.

Kinky sex positions to try

Sex positions for kinky sex depend on the scenario being played out, but Lianne suggests being bent over a counter, chair, bed, or specialised sex apparatus, especially if you’re trying bondage or spanking.

“Try being tied to a chair with legs spread apart and hands tied behind you. Get your partner to add a blindfold so you don’t know what’s going to happen next. Kink play is about using your imagination and letting someone take control, or being in control, with someone you trust,” says Lianne.

Positions that help you look into each other’s eyes can be great, as this enhances the feeling of being submissive or dominant, and kneeling also has the same effect, Lianne adds.

Safety tips for kinky sex

“Discuss what you’re going to do before you do it, have a safe word ready and don’t push boundaries,” says Lianne

However, it’s important to remember that a lot of the rules for kinky sex still apply to all sex. “For all sex it’s a great idea to talk ahead about what you like and dislike, and any limits that you have,” says Meg-John.

When it comes to safe words and signals, plan how you’ll check in beforehand. Meg-John suggests the traffic light system (red for stop, yellow for slow down, or green for keep going). If you want to use a non-verbal stop signal, tapping your partner to an agreed rhythm is a good idea.

It can also be useful to discuss any trauma experiences you’ve had and what your triggers might be.

Consent is also crucial, and of course this applies to any kind of sex. Meg-John suggests using their consent checklist if you are unsure.

What you should know if you’re trying kink for the first time

If you’re interested in trying something kinky, you need to make sure your partner is on the same page first. Lianne suggests sitting them down and explaining your fantasy to them first. Don’t worry if it’s not as great as you expected first time around. Practise makes perfect.

Why do people enjoy kinky sex?

Kink is a great way of experimenting and mixing things up in the bedroom. As Lianne puts it, “do you eat the same cuisine every evening? Or do you occasionally treat yourself to take away?

“Sex play is the same and should have added spice occasionally – and it’s very healthy. Sex is about enjoyment.”

Meg-John adds that kink can reveal a lot about our subconscious desires. “Many of us eroticise the tough things that have happened in our lives, so it’s very common for people to be turned on by the idea of being controlled, or someone having power over them, or some kind of punishment or humiliation,” they explain.

However, kink doesn’t just have to be about your subconscious psyche. “The things we enjoy can simply be fun and playful, things that feel nice to our bodies, or things that help us to connect to another person. There can be many reasons why we’re into what we’re into, and it shouldn’t really matter as long as we’re acting on it consensually,” they add.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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My First Time Pegging Someone Changed How I Think About Sex

“Pegging is the ultimate tamer of men… It’s like having a nuclear weapon in your armoury.”

by Nichi Hodgson; as told to Sirin Kale

I was interning at a now-defunct erotic magazine when I met our resident dominatrix at the office Christmas party. She asked me if I wanted to be her vanilla girl assistant, and as I wasn’t getting paid there, I thought, I might as well try.

Back then, I knew nothing about pegging – I hadn’t even seen it in porn. We called it strap-on play back then [the term pegging was coined by sex columnist Dan Savage in 2001]. She had to teach me everything. She showed me her equipment: the leather harness that was specially made, her various cocks of different colours, widths and shapes.

I watched her do it to other people and saw the pleasure that men got out of it – there are huge swathes of men in the world who are desperate to be pegged. The sight of a beautiful woman dressed up in black leather gear wearing a harness and a cock is magnificent! It’s triumphant. Everyone should see it at some point in their life.

One time, a guy requested a strap-on session with the dominatrix. His dream was to be penetrated by two women separately. It started with a spanking session and some small penis humiliation, and then the dominatrix made him worship her cock. After a while, she was like, “Enough of this, it’s time to get fucked.”

She spread him on all fours, propping him on his forearms. Then she put a condom over her cock, got tons of lube and started off using her fingers to get him loose enough. She slid into him, thrusting quite gently at first and then building up the pace and depth; he wanked himself off at the same time.

He came, and then after he’d rested for a bit, she said, “Jamie” – that was my fake name back then – “is going to lose her strap-on virginity.”

We’d bought my cock and harness the week before; it was a good six inches long and a nice girth. I remember being pleased with the overall effect when I looked in the mirror. The dominatrix put a condom on me, lubed me up and showed me what to do. He was already open by that point, so I didn’t have to break him in again – I just entered him. I remember it so distinctly; it was mesmerising.

Pegging him changed my perspective on sexuality. I became more empathetic to men. Fucking someone is, physically, quite hard work. When I was younger I didn’t put that much effort in when I was having sex, in terms of thrusting or doing the actual manoeuvring. Also, when someone is opening their body to you, they’re quite vulnerable – you have a magnificent amount of power. I’d never thought about sex like that before because I’d never felt physically vulnerable in that way.

I wasn’t aroused, but it was psychologically interesting. Pegging is the ultimate tamer of men. They love it. It’s like having a nuclear weapon in your armoury.

I carried on working as a dominatrix, seeing my own clients. Often, you’d find yourself having to disappoint clients who’d seen hardcore porn where people are being absolutely rammed, and they’d want it really full on. But if you haven’t done it much, you can’t take it like that. When you start to feel the resistance in someone’s body, you have to stop, otherwise you’re going to hurt them. So the fantasy doesn’t always match up to the reality.

It’s hard for me to peg someone I’m in love with. There’s an exchange of energy – for nearly all men, there will be some unsettling feelings afterwards. Even if they fantasise about submitting to women, there’s this fear that you’ve given up something in the process of letting women fuck you. Men can feel belittled, upset or regretful afterwards – which is interesting, because women allow men to fuck them all the time, but they don’t feel subjugated.

After I’d finished working as a dominatrix, I was quite cagey about pegging men in romantic relationships. Even if guys said they liked it, I felt like they were seeing the dom, not the person. I did meet a romantic partner who was really into pegging, and I felt proud of him for being really honest about his desires.

We pegged a couple of times a year. I remember the first time we did it he was lying on his back looking up at me, so we could kiss at the same time. It was more intimate – less about getting rammed, and more about him relinquishing to me. For a man to give that up is quite sexy.

We probably pegged for about 15 minutes. It was a very wholesome sexual experience; we were both very engaged and present. It was sensual and loving, not about humiliation. That’s what’s great about pegging. It can be whatever you want it to be – the limit is your imagination.

A strap-on has to feel like an extension of your body in order for you to be really in control of it. It’s best to buy a harness, and separate differently-sized cocks, as they tend to be better quality and you can work your partner up through the different sizes.

Lots of men are apprehensive about being dirty, which prevents them from being able to let go and enjoy it. If you’ve got someone who’s pegging-curious, get them in the shower and soap them up to help them relax. Don’t give them an enema – that can leave water in the body, creating more chaos. You’ll need lots of lube.

Everyone is capable of pegging. You have to build up to it gradually and find the right man who’s genuinely interested in it. I think a surprising number of men are into it and want to try it. And lots of women would gain sexual confidence from pegging.

Once I felt like I could wield a cock and dominate someone in that way, things flipped for me. Pegging men helped me not to be as afraid of male sexuality. I saw how vulnerable men can be – if they are open enough.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What It’s Like to Break Up With a Sex Work Client You Fell For

“I was happy to pursue a flirty friendship with someone who I thought could be much more to me than just someone who paid for nudes.”

by Sofia Barrett-Ibarria

Like any other job, sex work can be exciting, dynamic, and stimulating—and deeply frustrating, disheartening, and painfully boring. It differs, though, in that it’s often based on intimately personal interactions. Work closely with enough people, and there’s a high probability of hitting it off, on some level, with a few clients.

These intimate bonds are one of the joys of sex work, but they can also be tricky. Sex workers often enforce strict boundaries for their own safety, and while finding a personal connection with a trusted client can feel refreshing, this can still be professionally and emotionally risky. Getting too close can blur the line between paid companion and personal friend, and, in rare cases, a transactional relationship can start to feel like something more. But work is work, and navigating this ambiguous emotional territory with a client can become too complicated, or too painful, to continue. When things get too personal, it may be time to say goodbye—which can come with complex feelings.

I was streaming a live cam show when I first met Jamie, whose name has been changed to protect his privacy. After throwing me some generous tips in my public chat, he requested a private cam-to-cam show. The slightly upward angle of his webcam wasn’t the most flattering, but, even hunched over his computer and stroking his penis, he was undeniably hot.

Jamie sent me a message immediately after the session concluded to thank me, then bought a custom video and several nude photos. He asked to see me again soon for a longer video session. I was thrilled: I’d not only locked down an exceptionally sweet, respectful new regular who tipped well, but one I felt instant chemistry with. We sexted nonstop for the next few days—and also talked about our favorite horror movies and podcasts, even sharing our experiences as survivors of sexual assault. Interacting with my regulars was part of the job, and it always felt like a job, but talking to Jamie was different. I was completely infatuated.

According to Jamie’s Twitter profile, he lived in another state, and I knew he had a young kid and a serious girlfriend, so the chances of ever meeting my new crush in person were slim. Still, I was happy to pursue a flirty friendship with someone who, under different circumstances, I thought could be much more to me than just someone who paid for nudes.

After a few weeks, my conversations with Jamie became sporadic. He’d occasionally resurface to tell me he missed me, pop into my chatroom and call me his favorite girl, or ask for a phone call just to hear my voice. After a few weeks when I sent him several unanswered messages, I stopped pursuing him. Our “breakup” was more of a slow, painful fade-out, but I was still hurt and embarrassed that I’d let myself develop a crush on a guy from my chatroom when I was supposed to be doing my job. I wanted to get paid, and I also really wanted him to like me.

I miss our conversations and the filthy sexts that made me blush, though now that Jamie no longer visits my chatroom, I miss his money more.

Hara Lim, a sex worker in Long Beach, California who recently ended an eight-year relationship with her sugar daddy, said some sex workers she knows refuse to offer “girlfriend experience” or similar services that might offer clients the opportunity to get too close. “Sex work can be a lot of intimacy, and you spend so much time with these johns,” Lim said. She believes anyone who performs this kind of intimate work could potentially develop genuine feelings for their client, regardless of their experience level.

“Relationships sex workers form with clients can be genuine, but the money is always the bottom line, said Luna Luz, an artist and sex worker based in Pittsburgh. Luz said that when she or clients start to feel confused about that, it’s time to say goodbye, but admitted, “It’s a little bit trickier when you build a genuine fondness and a real bond with them.” She was new to phone sex when she became close with one of her first callers. “Being able to just have pleasant conversations with someone while getting paid was amazing,” Luz said. “Between conversations about his particular fetish, we would just recount our everyday lives to each other,” Luz said.

After about a month, Luz’s client worried about how much he spent on their calls. “He offered to call only about his fetish, and that any other conversation could be through Twitter,” she said. As much as Luz enjoyed talking to him, she wasn’t sure if she could afford to keep chatting outside of her paid line. “I made it very clear that, even if the emotional labor is pleasant, it’s still labor that must be paid for,” Luz said. “I could sense his sadness about it, but he understood.” The next day, his profile was gone. “Because it was my first time experiencing this with a client that I built a genuine fondness for, it did sting sort of like a breakup, or the end of a friendship. I had to get used to not having that interaction with him every day,” said Luz. “[But] the longer I’ve been in sex work, the easier it gets to accept that these sorts of relationships eventually come to an end.”

Beyond mutual camaraderie, genuinely romantic feelings can blur professional lines for both sex workers and their clients. Twenty-nine-year-old cam model and professional dominatrix Julia Ryan was 19 and fairly new to sex work when a madame friend introduced her to a client who was attractive, successful, and generous. “He lived in Texas, so he would come out to see me in Tennessee four to five times a month,” Ryan said. “He always took me to the most amazing restaurants and bought me gifts.” Ryan fell hard. “The sex was out of this world—I was gaga over him. He made me feel so special, and even talked about marriage.”

Ryan believed he loved her, but she couldn’t shake the suspicion that he was too good to be true. During one of their last dates, the client stopped to make a quick run into a store, leaving Ryan alone in his car. She dug into the glove compartment, where she found insurance paperwork with another woman’s name on it. “I Googled her later and found all her social media and her business stuff,” said Ryan. “He led me to think he was single and just worked a lot, and hid the fact that he had a full-blown family.” Ryan was furious and hurt. “I confronted him and slapped him across the face. I was so mad, I ripped up the envelope of money he gave me that final night.” The client didn’t argue with her or try to defend his behavior, and after he walked away, they never spoke again. “I blocked him on everything—total ghost mode,” said Ryan. Despite how hurt she felt, she still remembers their relationship somewhat fondly: “He was the first guy to ever make me squirt across the room,” she said.

As in my case, losing a favorite client can be more bittersweet than explosive. Lorence Vennes, a sex worker in Vancouver, was both happy and heartbroken when one client decided it was time to move on. “When we first met, he was shy and reserved. It made me weak in the knees,” she said. “I related to that shyness.” Over time, Vennes’s client started feeling more comfortable around her, and their conversations became personal. “I really began to enjoy being by his side. I remember us cheering each other on in our goals,” Vennes said. “He was an amazing cook. He often gave me extra homemade jams and jellies he made, while telling me about these free online university courses he listened to while preparing them.”

After a few years, Vennes was surprised when her client said they needed to have a serious, strictly platonic talk. “My palms immediately got sweaty,” she said. The client said he could no longer see Vennes, because, thanks to her, he’d met someone. “He explained that during the talks he and I shared over the years, he had gained the confidence to date and ask for what he wanted in a relationship. He had met a partner to share that journey with. It was beautiful to see him take that leap of faith.” Vennes and her client no longer keep in touch, but she cherishes the time they spent together. “I still think of him and smile, and I wish him the best,” Vennes said. “A heartbreak can sometimes be unexpectedly sweet.”

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What Your Teen Wishes You Knew About Sex Education

By and

Cora Breuner was sitting at home one day about to do a little work on her laptop.

“I remember, when I opened my computer, I looked at my son — who shall remain nameless — and I said, ‘Why is this porn site on my laptop?'”

“I’m an adolescent male, Mom.”

It would have been an awkward moment for just about any parent. Then again, Breuner isn’t just any parent. She’s Doctor Cora Breuner, and she works in the adolescent medicine clinic at Seattle Children’s Hospital. In other words, she is an expert on all the reasons her son had been browsing pornography on her laptop.

The moral of this story: No matter how prepared you think you are as a parent, few subjects can catch us off guard or tie us into knots more quickly than sex.

Well, NPR’s Life Kit is here to help. For this episode, we spoke with Breuner, along with a host of researchers, advocates and sex educators, about how parents can help tweens and teens navigate the hormone-infused awkwardness of puberty and beyond.

(Our previous episode explored how to talk to kids from birth to the doorstep of puberty — give it a listen if you want to brush up on the basics, like why you should use anatomically correct terms for body parts — call a vulva a vulva.)

Here are our biggest takeaways:

1. Don’t wait until puberty to start talking about puberty.

Puberty is a huge transformation, both physically and emotionally, and it can start as early as 8 years old, especially for girls. If children aren’t prepared for the changes — from breast and penis development to wet dreams and menstrual periods — it can feel even more disruptive.

Remember, this is a time when the brain is undergoing serious rewiring. The architecture of our frontal lobes, which regulate emotion, is shifting, says Breuner. Teens’ brains are also being flooded with hormones, including estrogen, testosterone and progesterone. Translation: Emotions will be volatile, and kids’ decision-making ability is gonna go a little haywire. “The part of their brain that is supposed to say, ‘Stop doing that!’ isn’t really working.”

The better that tweens understand the changes they will be going through, the better equipped they’ll be to manage the tumult. And that will require the grown-ups in their lives to be proactive. So find a few quiet moments, when the pressure is off — maybe in the car or on a hike, when you don’t have to make eye contact — and give them the basics.

When she was in fourth grade, 15-year-old Lily McGrath remembers her mother sitting her down “right before puberty started … basically prepping me and telling me, ‘So these are some things that are going to happen to you in the future. And if you have questions, please ask.'”

McGrath is now a youth ambassador for the sex education initiative Amaze, talking to other youth about sexual health topics.

Lily says her mom, Electra McGrath-Skrzydlewski, told her that her breasts would likely begin to grow and explained what menstruation would feel like, “almost answering some of the questions before I even really knew that those were gonna be questions I needed answers to. … She was very open from the get-go, even before those were things that I needed to know about.”

2. If your teen speaks up about sex, sexuality or gender, listen, love and be humble.

Perhaps the most powerful thing parents and guardians can do to prepare their kids for adolescence is to create an open channel of judgment-free communication. That way, when a tween or teen starts feeling the rush of adolescence, they’ll take their questions to you first.

It doesn’t matter what they’re trying to share — whether they’re coming out, curious about birth control or still confused by the basic mechanics of sex — your teen needs to feel heard and supported unconditionally.

“You know, ‘We love and accept you,'” says Heather Corinna, the founder of Scarleteen.com, an online sex ed clearinghouse that’s packed with info on relationships, bodies and sexuality.

Corinna says that if your child is asking tough questions that you can’t answer or is sharing information that makes you uncomfortable, “then you can follow that up with, ‘We don’t get it! And we need to find out more about this.'”

To be clear, though, “we don’t get it” is not the same as “we don’t believe you” or a dismissive “you’ll grow out of it.” In fact, Breuner says, if a tween or teen is exploring a different sexual orientation or gender identity, it’s probably not a phase, according to the latest research. “My generation of physicians was taught that, which was wrong. And so the likelihood of somebody growing out of it is extremely low.”

Corinna says that in these moments, parents should also resist the urge to swoop in with their big feelings or a quick fix.

“Young people don’t really have any power but the power that we give them. And if we present ourselves all the time as the ones that know the most, the ones that are the experts at everything and the ones that have all the power, you know, it’s hard for us to have good relationships with them.”

McGrath-Skrzydlewski had always made good listening a hallmark of her parenting style, and so, one sunny afternoon when her daughter, Lily, was 12, she mostly listened as Lily told her that she identifies as pansexual — meaning gender and sexuality aren’t determining factors in whom she is attracted to.

No matter how strong their relationship, though, it was still hard, Lily says. “So awkward. It was just me sitting on the floor pointing to a pride flag.”

“As I was watching her struggle to find the words,” McGrath-Skrzydlewski says, “I just felt some really deep sympathy, because it felt painful in a way that, from where I sat, it didn’t have to be that. And I was just sitting there ready to hold her, right, for whatever she needed.”

Listen, love and be humble. It won’t prevent the difficult conversations of adolescence, but it will help you — and your child — get through them.

3. Teens need to understand the basics of a healthy relationship.

One sexpert we interviewed, Daniel Rice at Rutgers University, likened sex to algebra. In other words, it’s advanced. Just as addition and subtraction are fundamental math skills necessary for algebra, listening and communication skills, as well as abiding respect for the needs and rights of others, are foundational to a healthy, happy sex life — and a healthy, happy life in general.

“I can’t have, you know, a meaningful lesson with young people on what relationship goals may look like when we haven’t established the foundation of, like, how to negotiate with a partner, how to communicate, how to select a partner who’s respectful of you,” says Brittany McBride, senior program manager of sexuality education at Advocates for Youth, a Washington, D.C.-based nonprofit that works on sexuality education and sexual and reproductive health.

If you’re lucky, you can model these skills at home. It’s also a good idea to talk affirmatively about relationship ideals: about kindness and consideration, about how people in a family or a couple take care of each other, resolve conflicts, admit fault and show forgiveness.

And Corinna at Scarleteen has another tip: Middle school is a great time for parents to start paying more attention to their kids’ relationships with peers. Because, by middle school, many platonic, adolescent relationships are “not even dysfunctional. They’re just flat-out abusive.”

Abusive verbally, emotionally and even physically — because of tweens’ brain chemistry, because our popular culture makes cruelty seem cool and because too many kids don’t experience consistent, loving, respectful relationships at home.

So, Corinna says, pay attention to your kids’ interactions, and if you notice something that crosses the line, “say, you know, ‘I just overheard’ or ‘I just saw’ or whatever the thing was that you did. And then you say, ‘How do you feel about that? Is it OK with you?’ And then have a talk about it.”

A cornerstone of any healthy relationship is consent, and tweens and teens especially need to understand that sexual consent has to be enthusiastic, ongoing and specific. No one can consent to sex if they’re drunk or wasted. And a yes at the beginning of the night is not a yes at the end of the night. Kids need to know that they need to check in with their partner.

4. Sex feels good. Don’t try to hide that from your kids.

Sex ed usually emphasizes the risks of sex — like infections, untimely pregnancy and sexual assault — but rarely explores the big reason people choose to have sex in spite of those risks: pleasure. This gives adolescents an incomplete, arguably inaccurate understanding of sex, and that’s a problem, say our experts.

Instead, tweens need to hear about the risks as well as the fact that most partnered sex isn’t for reproduction but for recreation and connection. Knowing that, says McBride, “removes a little bit of that mystifying, really cool, like, ‘What is this I hear so much about?’ aspect of sex.”

Parents can also share a more positive message about self-pleasure. Nix the shame and stigma, says Breuner. Masturbation, she says, “is not ugly and gross. It’s important to establish your own sexuality and be able to figure out what gives you pleasure so that when you are at a place when you want someone else to give you pleasure, you know what to tell them.”

Corinna suggests easing into the conversation about pleasure by talking about your favorite dessert or a song you want to listen to nonstop. “Just like all of those things, sex is one of those things that people, by and large, do … to make ourselves and/or each other feel good.”

5. Porn isn’t real life, and your kids need to hear that.

Realistically, says Breuner, you may not be able to keep your kids away from pornography altogether. Remember, she caught her son using her laptop to browse porn. Even if they can’t access it at home, she says, they’ll still likely run into it at a friend’s house or at school. So you need to talk about how porn can give them wrong ideas about sex, pleasure and relationships.

Mainstream commercial pornography has little use for consent and often features scenes of pain, control and coercion, as well as unrealistic depictions of female enjoyment. There’s also a narrow range of body types and little body hair, giggling or awkwardness.

And it’s not just porn. Kids need a reality check when it comes to the broader category of what Corinna calls “sexual media.” Whether it’s bikini models on Instagram or hawking beer on TV, the problems are similar. Teens need to hear it from you: Sexual media is fantasy. It’s people doing a job for money, and that’s not how sex works in the real world.

A 2015 study from Texas Tech University found that when parents talked with their middle schoolers early and consistently about porn, sharing their own values, it made a lasting difference. When those young teens became college students, they were less likely to view porn, and if they dated someone who did, it had a less negative impact on their self-esteem.

6. You may want to get backup.

We say this often on Life Kit, but especially when it comes to adolescents and sex, you may need backup. Corinna says parents can find it hard to talk to their kids even — or especially — if they have experienced something similar.

“Some of the parents that are the most scared about their kids being queer or trans are parents who are queer or trans, because they know what they went through. They are accepting. Of course they’re accepting, but they’re also terrified,” Corinna says.

Parents who have their own experiences with sexual assault, abuse or abortion can also find it that much harder to respond when children come to them with difficult questions. Don’t be afraid to enlist the help of a close family friend, another family member, pediatrician, trusted teacher or coach.

Parents can also find help and resources at health centers, YMCAs and teaching hospitals. Sometimes places of worship host sex education workshops. Books can also be a valuable resource, though make sure they’re up to date.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Causes Low Sex Drive In Women?

And How Can I Increase Mine?

There are real treatments available.

By Alyssa Dweck, M.D.

Not in the mood to get busy tonight? Don’t panic just yet. Libido in women is complicated. There are a whole host of factors that influence sex drive and affect why you might not want to have sex (tonight, this week, or even for the last several months).

But if it’s more of a persistent concern and it’s causing you distress, it’s worth looking into further and discussing with a trusted medical professional; the gyno is the first stop for most women. Your libido could be falling flat from something as common as stress or the birth control you’re taking, or it could be a sign of a bigger health issue. But you won’t know the underlying cause or how to solve it until you bring the issue to your doc’s attention. Okay, now let’s dive deeper.

Libido can ebb and flow for all sorts of reasons.

First, I want to remind you that there’s no such thing as a “normal” sex drive. Take the stats out there about how often other people typically have sex with a grain of salt; it varies for everyone (and, hey, people lie!). Female sex drive is nuanced, and your libido rises and falls naturally.

For example, you might have a higher sex drive around the time of ovulation (the body’s way of telling you to get frisky during your fertile time, even if you’re not actively trying to become pregnant). Or, you may not feel like being sexually active during other times of the month, like when you’re on your period (though if you’re into period sex, it can be enjoyable too).

You can also experience changes in your hormones or neurotransmitter levels from certain medications you’re taking (antidepressants, for example, could lower your drive or alter your ability to orgasm), which, in turn, can mess with your sex urge. The same can happen if you have an underlying hormonal condition like a thyroid disorder or polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS).

Another player when it comes to sex drive that you might not necessarily expect is hormonal birth control. Most BC pills (or patches and rings) contain the hormones estrogen and progesterone, which are necessary for regulating your cycle. What the pill is doing is preventing ovulation. And as a result, the typical peaks and dips of those hormone levels don’t occur, so you’re not experiencing that surge of estrogen during ovulation, which is typically what makes women want to have sex during that fertile period.

Plus, the amount of testosterone you produce also naturally decreases significantly if you’re on the Pill, which also might make your drive slip a bit. For other women, though, feeling confident and secure in their method of birth control could make them feel more like having sex. It really depends on the person and their particular hormone levels.

Or, major life changes may impact your sex drive, like if you’ve had a death in the family, recently lost a job, or are going through a bout of depression. If your mental health or emotional circumstances could have something to do with it, you may just need to be gentle with yourself and work with a mental health pro to address the issue.

It’s also totally possible that you’re just in a self-esteem rut and aren’t feeling as sexual. The bottom line is, it’s important to be honest with your gyno and/or therapist about alllll of these factors so that they can consider all possible factors that could be affecting your libido.

Or, you may actually have hypoactive sexual desire disorder.

Beyond the typical contributing factors to low libido, you might be showing signs of a well-recognized medical condition called hypoactive sexual desire disorder, or HSDD. It presents as low sex drive, but to the maximum extent. HSDD is characterized by having a pretty much completely absent sexual drive and lack of fantasizing about sex in general.
Most patients who struggle with HSDD compare it to a light switch—they used to have regular sexual desire, but for no identifiable reason, they all of a sudden have *zero* sex drive, no matter the partner or the situation. In cases of HSDD, there’s also always distress associated with low libido, meaning an emotional component of being upset or distraught over the fact that you’re not thinking about sex.

It’s a little bit tricky to diagnose HSDD. Patients fill out a brief questionnaire about their low sex drive and how it’s affecting them emotionally, and doctors screen their responses to diagnose the disorder. If, when docs assess a patient’s answers, it seems the cause of low drive could be related to something like relationship or marital problems, or a different medical or medication issue, your MD will work on addressing and treating that with you first.
But if you do get a HSDD diagnosis, don’t panic. Believe it or not, HSDD is common among young women—one in 10 premenopausal women suffer from it—and it’s not something to be ashamed of at all.

To treat low sex drive, you have a few different options.

Treatment, as you can probably guess, depends on the underlying cause. But your doctor will likely recommend one (or more) of the following courses of action.
1. Consider seeing a sex therapist.2. Revisit books and movies that might help light your flame.
This practitioner will manage the emotional and psychological components of low sex drive and will also address how your drop in libido might be affecting your relationship, or your desire to form a new relationship.

When I work with people suffering from HSDD or low libido in general, I notice that some have a fear that this may cause their partner, if they have one, to stray or leave them. This is also something you can delve into further with a sex therapist, if your low libido is bringing up intrusive thoughts like this. In my practice, I often recommend reconnecting with your partner with a regular date night. Basically, it’s a “prescription” for intimacy.

To find a mental health practitioner with expertise in sexual health in your area, check out Aasect.org.

2. Revisit books and movies that might help light your flame.
You may simply need to do some solo homework to get back in your groove. This can include a variety of different tasks (that you’re comfortable with, of course). For some patients, watching porn or reading erotica does the trick for getting sexual thoughts back on the brain. You can incorporate this during solo time so that you can start fantasizing on your own, and then you can involve your partner in the scenario.

Another thing that helps sometimes is going out on a limb with sexual activity. That could mean a fun role play scenario for some people. For others, that could mean having sex in another room of the house besides the bedroom to keep things interesting.

3. Talk to your doc about medications and supplements that can boost your drive.

If you have HSDD, medication might be necessary to treat the condition. In 2015, a drug called Flibanserin was approved by the FDA to treat HSDD in pre-menopausal women. It’s a daily pill that may have some side effects, like dizziness, nausea, and fatigue, according to the drug’s website.

More recently, another drug called Vyleesi got approved. It is uniquely administered with an auto-injector (it’s like an Epipen) that you can take on demand to get you prepped for sex. Vyleesi works on melanocortin receptors, or energy regulators, in the brain. Studies showed increased desire and decreased distress in those taking Vyleesi. One common side effect is nausea. [Ed note: Dr. Dweck has worked as an HSDD educator with the parent company of Vyleesi.]

Other options include off-label use of testosterone supplementation via prescription or over-the-counter herbal supplements to enhance sex drive.

If months go by and you’re not able to get back to your normal level of sexual desire, that could be the right time to also alert your health-care provider that you’re not feeling like yourself.

But the main red flag is not how long your drive is low (for some people it’s weeks, months, or longer)—it’s the question of whether your low libido is distressing to you. That’s when you should bring it to your gyno’s attention.

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What Causes A Sexless Marriage?

And How To Fix A Relationship Without Sex

By Pam Denton

There’s more to intimacy than sex.

If you find yourself trapped in a sexless marriage and don’t know what to do to restore the passion and intimacy, then it’s time to reframe your idea of what the problem in your relationship is.

Many married couples have less sex as time goes on, but it doesn’t hurt the connection and intimate times with one another.

So how can you fix a relationship when there’s no sex and you’re worried that you and your spouse are drifting apart?

The truth is that your sexless marriage likely does not have anything to do with sex.

In fact, in many cases, your sexual shutdown has more to do with your relationship versus any true lack of physical compatibility or desire for sex!

So, it’s time to give yourself (and your partner) a break — allow yourself permission to overcome the lack of sex in your relationships and reclaim the rightful pleasure in your marriage. You deserve a marriage filled with hot, sweaty, sweet, soulful, passionate, and intimate moments.

All roads lead to sex. After all, we were created from sex. Not to mention it’s one of the most natural ways to connect, intimately, in partnership and marriage. Yet, for so many marriages sex becomes a thing of the past and an “issue.”

Sexless marriage is rampant within our culture. Couples fall in love, get married, and their once hot connection dwindles out and the “flame of desire” dies. There are a lot of deep and intimate reasons why this happens, but these three are the most prevalent:

Unresolved conflicts.

First and foremost, when conflict goes unresolved it forces a wedge in a marriage. This wedge shuts down the passion and desire for intimacy, touching, and lovemaking. In many cases, the relationship becomes superficial, cold, and even hardened. Years of dormant, unresolved, issues fester like poisonous venom, leaking out in sarcasm and hurtful words. Or, words are rarely spoken, making intimate dialogue non-existent.

Stress.

Second, you may begin to feel that you love the person you’re with and, in your mind, you want sex but stress and tension have gotten in the way so you have put up walls of resistance. Here, the marriage becomes a melting pot of stress, fighting, disagreements and shut down.

Hormone imbalances.

Lastly, there’s the body. Body issues get in the way of intimacy and block contact because you “just don’t feel like it anymore.” The feelings that once had you loving sex, have switched off due to your physiological imbalances and lack of desire to connect.

No matter what the cause, these issues are all very tough to deal with, and can ruin a marriage … if left unattended. The great thing is, you can resolve them and make way for sex to reappear (better than ever) in your marriage!

Here are 5 ways to fix a relationship that’s missing physical intimacy, without even having sex:

1. Let go of what a “great sex life” looks like

Let go of all of your preconceived notions of sex in marriage and realize that we’re all human, with issues to resolve.

Let go of the shame and guilt you feel towards your relationship.

By letting go of your inner critic and the pressure you’re putting on yourself to have sex, you will begin to free yourself (and mind), in order to get to the root of the problem.

2. Believe in your partner’s good intentions

Relax, find comfort that you and your partner are together for a real, honest reason. And no matter what your circumstances, you can rekindle the flame of love.

The stress and unresolved conflict between you two will resolve with open honest dialogue.

3. Dig up the dirt

Society teaches us not to dig up other people’s dirt. But in marriage, you have to get down and dirty with the truth, in order to build an honest connection of love.

Relationships challenge you to grow in intimacy and love. When you carry a lot of baggage in a marriage, there is some deep dirt to tend to and you can use this dirt to fertilize your sexual pleasure.

4. Trust your partner to try

Trust is why you got married in the first place, right? It wasn’t really just about sex, it was because of a special connection. You trusted this person and you felt connected in a special and fantastic way.

So trust that you are in the partnership for a good reason; trust that your partner was the one you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, through the good and the bad.

Your sexless marriage is just the symptom of the bad. The raw truth asks you to get undressed, emotionally, and reveal your inner conflicts, as a step toward healing them.

5. Ask for help

Find a therapist, coach, or support person. When you ask for help to overcome the issues, then marriage gets much easier. It may prove difficult to deal with these alone, when you have been sexless and fighting.

So, you can receive the honest help that you need, when you’re able to openly ask and tell your partner that you are hurting with objective guidance.

Sex should always be an amazing experience, one that builds a strong partnership. But, sex is at its best when you can connect to your partner, in an adept and loving way. These 5 steps will help you ignite a new passion that may, possibly, be even better than when you first met.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Does ‘Cisgender’ Mean?

Sex Vs Gender Explained

By Samantha Maffucci

It’s really not all that complicated … even though it is.

Gender identity, orientation and expression are increasingly common topics of discussion among just about everyone currently living in the U.S.

As we continue to gain have a greater understanding of LGBTQIA+ terminology and the spectrum of human sexual orientation and gender identity, it should be no surprise if the term “cisgender” has popped up in the mix of new words you’ve seen that seemingly lack clear definitions.

What does referring to someone as “cis” or “cisgender” mean?

Cisgender is a word used to describe someone whose gender identity (i.e., woman or man), gender expression (i.e., feminine or masculine) and biological sex (i.e., female or male) all align. “Cis” is simply a shortened, gender neutral version meaning the same thing.

For example, if someone is born a female (biological sex), identifies as a woman when they grow up (gender identity/orientation), and presents as a woman to the outside world, she is a cisgender woman. The same goes for someone who’s born a male, identifies as a man, and presents as a man to the outside world.

A cisgender woman may also be referred to as a cis woman, and if she is both cisgender and heterosexual, she may be be referred to as cishet.

Likewise, a cisgender man may be referred to as a cis man, and if he is both cisgender and heterosexual, he may be referred to as cishet as well.

Think of the word cisgender as an equivalent of the word transgender.

In Latin, the prefix cis- means “on this side of,” where trans- means “on the other side of.”

A transgender woman may be referred to as a transwoman, a transgender man may be referred to as a transman, and as is the case for people of any gender, their sexual orientation may fall into any of the number of identities on spectrum of human sexuality.

While it’s difficult to find a statistically reliable record of how many people in the U.S. are cisgender, transgender, neither or other, it’s been estimated that about 1 in every 250 adults, or almost 1 million Americans (0.39% of the population), identify as transgender. That figure is believed to be underestimated, and is expected to rise in the future.

It should also be noted that the percentage of people who identify as transgender is higher in international studies, nor is it necessarily inclusive of people whose identifies aren’t either cis or transgender — such as genderfluid, gender non-conforming, agender, non-bindary, genderqueer, etc. — or those born intersex, for whom the constructs of biological sex and gender may be even more fraught.

Julia Serano, writer. performer. musician. scientist and author of the book “Whipping Girl.” says the best way to understand the seemingly new nature of these gender orientations is by considering the parallel use of homosexual and heterosexual as terms.

“There was a time when there were homosexual people and everyone else was considered to be the ‘normal’ people,” Serrano explains. “Now, people think of themselves as straight or heterosexual,” but they don’t necessarily think being so makes them any more “normal” than anyone else.

That doesn’t mean cisgender people are “normal” and everyone else isn’t, but it does mean many have thought that way until recently.

And since being transgender isn’t as simple as being either a woman or man living in the body of the opposite biological sex, no discussion of gender is as simple as black and white.

Cisgender has now been added to major dictionaries, and social media forums are continually expanding the options provided for users when selecting their gender identification.

And while some cis people see the label as an insult, it’s not. The thing is, it’s really not about you.

For Mara Keisling, Executive Director of the National Center for Transgender Equality, a better understanding of what it means to be transgender is criticial in the fight against transphobia and the violence too frequently encountered by trans men and women.

“The lack of understanding of our humanity continues to cause us to face disrespect, discrimination, and violence, and is actually killing us,” Keisling says. “And when trans people face that and other issues like racism, ableism, and xenophobia, the disrespect and violence can be so much worse.”

And Serano believes learning about about the spectrum of human sexuality and gender orientation should be a given for us all.

People who are cisgender and have never had to consciously label themselves as such still have a gender identity, Serano says, “it’s just not one that is challenged or questioned.”

“People don’t go around all the time thinking of themselves as a straight woman or a heterosexual man,” she continues, “but it becomes useful when you’re talking about the ways in which people are treated differently in society.”

In the end, of course, we’re all human.

Neither our sexuality nor our gender define the totality of who we are as individuals, and we should treat others as such, no matter how they identify.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Parents should start teaching sex ed while their children are in diapers, experts say

by Jennifer Gerson

One day, your toddler will point to a pregnant woman, cock their head, and ask, “How did that baby get into that lady’s tummy?”

You might think it’s too soon to start teaching your innocent preschooler about sex at that point, but it’s not. In fact, some experts say, it might even be on the later side.

“Human beings are sexual beings from the time they are born,” said Dan Rice, interim executive director of Answer at Rutgers University, an organization that promotes access to comprehensive sexuality education to young people.

That’s why sex ed actually should start at a young age. Developmentally, kids are already trying to process their worlds, and their bodies are a critical part of that.

But it’s not just teaching about how their bodies develop and how babies are made. It’s crucial to start offering up lessons about boundaries, and who can — and can’t — touch them. 

What many adults fail to realize is that consent begins with hugs with relatives, high fives with teachers, and tickles from parents.

“Children are trying to make sense of their body parts, and their feelings” Nora Gelperin, director of Sexuality Education for Advocates for Youth, a group that advocates for access to sexual health education and services, told Insider. “It all feels overwhelming.”

If you have young children at home, here are the important lessons you can start teaching them, and how to communicate them in an age-appropriate way.

If you can teach a child to not spread germs, you can also teach them about physical consent.

In preschool, parents are starting to have conversations about what it means to be a good friend. This helps to build a solid foundation for developing healthy relationships now, and later in life. But there’s more to the discussion than just using nice words and not pushing others. It’s important to delve into bodily autonomy, too.

“When you teach a child to cough or sneeze into their elbow,” Rice said, “you’re teaching them disease prevention and having concern for not spreading disease to others.”

Children can just as easily understand that they don’t have to embrace anyone who comes close, even if it’s a loving cousin or aunt.

“It’s a really reassuring message for a child that you are in control of your own body,” Rice said, “and that you don’t ‘owe’ someone a hug or a kiss just because they want it.”

Use accurate terminology to name body parts from the beginning, so your child doesn’t feel shameful.

Parents might be tempted to use cutesy terms to refer to genitals. Some parents will call a penis a “doodle” or a vagina a “minnie.” This isn’t a protective measure. In fact, using euphemisms sends the message that the accurate terms aren’t OK to use and that a child should feel ashamed of those body parts.

The goal is to teach children that while genitals are private, they can be talked about among parents and trusted adults.

“You call your nose your nose and your elbow your elbow,” Rice said. “So when you talk about the vulva or the penis, you should call them those things.”

Start early, before your child is even old enough to speak. Gelperin recommends using diaper changes and bath time as opportunities to practice naming body parts with your little one.

That way, she explains, as your child continues to grow and get more verbal, they already will already have the vocabulary to have open conversations about their bodies.

Referring to body parts by their correct names also plays a critical role in preventing sexual abuse.

Teaching your children to name their body parts appropriately is a safety measure since predators often prey on compliant kids who may not know the words for “vagina” or “penis.”

Kids who can’t accurately name these body parts are less likely to report abuse, Gelperin noted.

“You don’t need to go into graphic detail,” Gelperin said. “Just name them and explain that it’s normal, natural, and OK to ask questions about how their body works.”

Identify a trusted adult for your child to turn to in every situation.

It’s essential for young kids to know that they can always turn to a trusted adult during a time of need. A helpful exercise is to have them identify one reliable adult at school, at home, and one outside both of those environments. From there, it’s all a matter of emphasizing that there are grown ups available if someone has harmed them, has approached them in an inappropriate way, or if they have a difficult question to ask.

“Kids naturally have curiosity, and sexuality is a natural and normal part of being human,” Gelperin said. “When you trigger a discussion around those things, this will help communicate to your kid that you value this part of who they are and that you want them to have happy and healthy relationships.”

Dispel gender stereotypes from a young age to show that men and women are equal.

Gender-based violence and sexual violence is often rooted in a sense of inequality between genders.

That’s why it’s important to teach children from a young age that everyone is equal.

“We all deserve to be treated the same,” Gelperin said. “If we can start teaching that lesson to children when they are much younger, we’re all better off for it.”

These lessons can begin with conversations around how there’s no such thing as “boy colors” or “girl colors.” It’s helpful to emphasize there are no activities just for boys, or just for girls. These conversations can extend to toys, clothing, and costumes too.

Educating about self-esteem and self-worth teaches children that it matters how they are treated.

Another critical component is instilling in children a sense of self-importance, and the idea that taking care of themselves is just as crucial as how they treat other people. This is a foundational principle before learning other concepts related to sexual health, and consent, according to Rice.

“A truly comprehensive sex ed curriculum includes things like self-esteem, self-worth, and body image,” Rice said, “since those things all impact how we see ourselves as sexual beings as well.”

If you need help starting these conversations with your children, consider turning to Amaze Jr. It’s an online-platform developed by sexual health educators to help young children and adults communicate effectively about these topics.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How sobriety changed my sex life

By Tracey Anne Duncan

“I can’t have sex with you,” I said. My date looked confused, and with good reason. We had done enough heavy petting that sex was definitely on the table. “It’s not you,” I added quickly. “You are unbelievably hot and I want to have sex with you. I’m trying to focus on my recovery.” She understood immediately. “I wondered about that,” she said, buttoning her blouse. She was also in recovery. “It’s okay,” she said. It felt good to say that I needed time, but it felt really hard to pass up on sex that I wanted to have. This was the first of my confusing adventures in sober sexuality.

Most people assume that sex after sobriety is probably boring at best, awkward and clunky at worst, but that it gets better with time. That’s what I assumed, too. But, in reality, it hasn’t been that straightforward. For me, sober sex has been a journey from celibacy to erotic epiphany to neurotic dry spell. And I am really, really, really hoping this isn’t how the story ends. “Death by dry spell” is not what I want on my tombstone.

Before I went into recovery for opioid addiction, I could have counted the number of times I had had sober sex on both hands. Also, before I got sober, I often used sex in unhealthy ways that had nothing to do with drugs. Sex was a way to escape both pain and routine. It was a way to feel okay about myself when self-acceptance seemed impossible. I don’t consider myself to be a sex addict, but I didn’t want to recreate any of those patterns in my new sober life, either.

And so I stayed celibate the first six months of my sobriety. This is a strategy that a lot of 12-step programs recommend to keep you from using sex and relationships as a way to escape from the discomfort of dealing with sober life. To be frank, those six months sucked. I developed a lot of fear that I had forgotten how to have sex or that sober sex would be boring and awkward.

But all of my assumptions about sober sex, and even my own awkwardness, turned out to be incorrect — at least at first. After my stint with celibacy, sex and dating felt like a magical revelation. Sober sex was amazing and nuanced. Because I had been doing a lot of deep personal work and had been practicing my ability to set healthy boundaries, I felt a lot more capable of communicating my desires and a lot more comfortable asking other folks to tell me theirs. Being sober — instead of making me awkward and boring — made me better able to tap into to all the feelings and sensations that make sex so much fun.

That lush revelatory feeling, unfortunately, was temporary. I’ve been sober 2.5 years and now it feels like sobriety is, actually, giving me sex anxiety. As of recently, all the self-awareness that felt amazing at first is starting to feel like crippling self-consciousness.

I guess I should have assumed that my sexuality would continue to evolve in tandem with my sobriety, but this is not the linear progress narrative that I expected. Now, it’s like I am working so hard to stay mindful that I’ve become borderline prudish, and I no longer have chemical courage to keep my ego bolstered.
In every sexual exchange, no matter how subtle, I am consumed with anxious thoughts. Do I look hot right now? How am I doing? Am I communicating enough? Too much? Should I move my hand? Why can’t I relax and enjoy this? WTF is wrong with me? This distressing ovethinking, no matter how shitty it feels, isn’t personal. Obsessive rumination, according to neuroscience, can be part of the process of recovery.

I am not the only one who’s experienced this flip-flop from sober sex epiphany to sober sex anxiety. “In my first few years sober, I could have sex with just about anyone,” Christopher Gerhart, an Alabama-based substance abuse counselor tells me. Yep, sounds familiar. Or rather, I don’t actually remember any of those people’s names and it’s not because I was drunk. There were just too many of them (hi mom, sorry about this). It was joyful and consensual play. “But the longer I remained sober, the more I had to pay attention to my inner voice,” Gerhart continues. Yes. That’s the voice constantly interrogating my make outs.

I ask Gerhart, only a little desperately, if his anxiety ever went away. “As I grow in sobriety that internal dialog becomes a more functional part of my mind. It allows me to feel empathy, compassion, grief, and connection both with others and myself,” Gerhart explains. His words give me comfort and his explanation is consistent with my experience. This anxious internal dialogue is then, perhaps, just part of the process of me learning to think clearly when I’m exchanging fluids with another human instead of running blind on adrenaline and booze.

Other people are real to me now in new ways and I expect intimacy to reflect this. Now when I connect with someone, I feel very very aware that I am a complex human and that they are another complex human. When you put my newfound sex anxiety in the context of becoming more complex and empathetic, maybe this new way that I’m thinking isn’t bad, but instead is evidence that I’m learning to connect more authentically.

“Sex involves vulnerability,” Asher Gottesman, mental health counselor and founder of Transcend Recovery Community, a sober living outpatient program operating in Los Angeles and Manhattan, who works with sex addicts. “But it’s never about the sex itself. It’s always about the internal messages that we have whenever we are in a vulnerable state.” He explains that inebriated people don’t hear those internal messages. So it’s not that my anxieties are necessarily new, it’s just that I am only now noticing them now that I am fully experiencing the world and other people as this new, and evolving, sober person.

All of this is a reassuring reminder that I am becoming the actually sensitive and caring person that I always wanted to be, which is great, but, um, I still want to get laid. So, what do I do about this very unsexy headspace I’ve found myself in?

“Be patient with yourself,” says Gottesman. That’s all? Just be patient? I’m thirsty for an action step (amongst other things). Gottesman suggests that I should probably talk these things out. “I wouldn’t necessarily speak out all your fears to a partner,” he continues. “Find someone else to talk to, whether it’s a trusted friend or a therapist. When you share your fears, you will often find you aren’t alone.” So it’s not that I necessarily need an extra therapy appointment, it’s just that sharing my experience with a comrade may help me feel better about it. “Friends also may be able to give you tips on how they have sex sober,” he adds. Fingers crossed that they also have intel on someone crush-worthy and a little patient.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Best BDSM Sex Positions, From Easy to Advanced

All you need is a scarf to get started.

By Gabrielle Kassel

In the middle of a sex session, your partner starts spanking your butt. Or they capture your wrists in one hand and hold them overhead. Or you tie a scarf across their eyes and order them to lie still and await your next move. So long as you both consent, these are all forms of a type of sex play called BDSM—or bondage, dominance/discipline, sadism, and masochism.

Thanks to the Fifty Shades of Grey franchise, people have a very skewed vision of what BDSM is, sex and relationship educator Jess O’Reilly, PhD, host of the @SexWithDrJess Podcast, tells Health. Rather than a kinky and shadowy sex practice, BDSM is more about mutual pleasure-focused power and/or pain exchange. It puts one person in the dominant role and the other person becomes submissive; having total control can be arousing, and having no control can be as well.

“BDSM encompasses a wide range of sexual activities, but all activities are underscored by the consent of all parties involved and can part of a healthy and pleasurable sex life,” says Dr. Jess.

The best thing about giving BDSM a try (or exploring what you already know) is that you don’t need to learn a whole new set of sexual skills. “Almost any old sex position can kinked up with a prop like scarf, ice cub, a blindfold, or verbal exchange of power,” says Dr. Jess. Establish a safe word with your partner, set boundaries and limitations, and give these BDSM positions a go.

Tied to the bed missionary 

This modest missionary upgrade is the easiest way for beginners to get a taste of BDSM. Grab a scarf, then lie on your back with your arms stretched overhead. “If you have a headboard with slats or a four-poster bed, your partner can secure your hands to the bed with the scarf,” Gigi Engle, certified sex coach and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life, tells Health. Otherwise, they can use it to tie your hands together, she says.

Make sure two or more fingers can fit between your wrists and the fabric (so the scarf isn’t so tight it starts to hurt), then have your partner get on top of you, using only your body and voice to guide them. If it feels good to not have total control, keep going and enjoy the pleasure. If the idea of being tied up during sex freaks you out but you still want to sample that lack of control, keep your untied hands behind you and resist the urge to use them or even sit on them, suggests Engle.

Rough rider

This woman-on-top position kicks things up a notch in the pain department. “Fingernails, teeth, and toenails are a non-threatening way to introduce some pain and sensation play into the bedroom,” says Dr. Jess. Hop on top of your partner face to face, then get into a sexual rhythm that feels good.

As you ride, encourage your partner to run their nails up and down your inner thighs or across your breasts…or lean into them so they can nip your outer ear, nick, or nipples. Have them start off with just a slight pressure, then increase things to the point where you feel a little pain mixed in with the pleasure of getting closer to orgasm.

“Teeth and nails are great because your partner can vary the level of intensity—from barely there to deep enough to leave possessive marks on their body,” says Dr. Jess. (But if things start to hurt and you don’t like it, use your safe word to stop them.)

Oral without orgasm

This oral sex position involves you partner going down on you and working you up to the precipice of a big O…then dialing things down so you don’t actually climax. Also known as edging, it’s a BDSM sex move requiring no sex toys or accessories and is all about teasing your partner to the brink of orgasm but denying that release, Kait Scalisi, MPH, certified sex educator and founder of Passion by Kait, tells Health.

How to start: Lie on your back or belly, if you prefer getting oral from behind, and have them go down on you. Let them know you want them to bring you to the edge but not actually climax, and enjoy submitting to their control of your pleasure. (At some point you’ll need that release, but try to hold out as long as you can.)

Blind doggy

Blindfolds are the perfect BDSM prop. “The simple sensory deprivation creates a cauldron of erotic anticipation and will keep you guessing as to where your lover will plant your next kiss, lick, or spanking, says Dr. Jess, putting them in control. If you’re not ready to invest in an actual blindfold, a tie, stockings, or bandana are all good substitutes.

While blindfold sex can be hot in any position, Engle recommends trying it via doggy style. Climb onto the bed, then get into position on all fours. “Your partner will be able to tease and touch you from any direction, but you won’t be able to see them coming, which adds an anticipation and a stranger-danger element to the play…which can be very exciting,” she says.

Sensation-al spooning

“Sensation play” is about using different textures, temperatures, aromas, sounds, sights, flavors, and moisture levels to “arouse the brain and body in new ways,” says Dr. Jess. The props and toys you can use vary a lot but include “anything from fur, feathers, silk, satin, and cotton balls to leather, hot wax, water, and ice cubes,” says O’Reilly. The goal is to either dominate your partner sexually by driving them wild with these new sensations…or submitting to your partner’s control and the pleasure these new sensations bring to you.

After discussing props you’re both okay with and taking them into the bedroom, lie on your side in the spoon position—so you won’t see your partner but they have access to your front and back, depending on where they plan on teasing you. Await the sensations that are about to come, and enjoy. Whether it’s an ice cube running across your nipples or feathers teasing your vulva, you’ll start to feel shivery and excited. Then, turn the tables and surprise your partner with a whole different kind of sensation, and relish being dominant and in charge of their pleasure.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Many Young Women Face a Seriously Underreported Issue When It Comes to Their Sex Lives

By CARLY CASSELLA

Anyone who’s heard of viagra knows that male sexual dysfunction is a widespread and overwhelmingly-researched issue. On the other hand, we know far less about female sexual dysfunction, even though its incidence is ‘alarmingly high‘, especially among young people.

New research now suggests roughly half of all Australian women aged 18 to 39 experience some form of personal distress related to their sex lives, whether that be guilt, embarrassment, stress, or unhappiness.

Around 20 percent of all participants reported at least one sexual dysfunction, including issues with arousal, desire, orgasm, sexual self-image, and responsiveness in the bedroom.

“It is of great concern that one in five young women have an apparent sexual dysfunction and half of all women within this age group experience sexually-related personal distress,” says clinical epidemiologist and senior author of the paper, Susan Davis from Monash University.

“This is a wake-up call to the community and signals the importance of health professionals being open and adequately prepared to discuss young women’s sexual health concerns.”

Female sexual dysfunction – or FSD as it’s known for short – is a complex, multifaceted disorder that is not well-defined or understood. Today, it is usually diagnosed when someone experiences pain during sex, has a persistent decrease in arousal or desire, or has trouble achieving an orgasm.

FSD can stem from a variety of issues including anatomical, psychological, physiological and social-interpersonal factors. And yet today, it is primarily treated with psychological therapy – that is, when it’s treated at all.

Currently only a small percentage of those with FSD actually seek medical attention for the disorder. And while things are gradually getting better – for instance, there’s a female viagra drug in the process right now – there’s still plenty of room for improvement.

In the United States, similar research suggests over 40 percent of women at the turn of this century had some form of sexual difficulty, while just over 30 percent of men experienced something similar. 

Overall, however, the data on FSD, especially in young people, is extremely limited and far from up-to-date. The 1999 study cited above is the most recent study on the prevalence of FSD in the US general population we could find.

What’s more, the little research we do have is usually based on heterosexual women who actively engage in penetrative sex, and many of these surveys fail to consider the full spectrum of sexual dysfunctions.

“The prevalence of low sexual self-image has not been reported in a large community-based sample, nor is the prevalence of sexually associated distress without a specific dysfunction known,” the authors of the new study write.

“Consequently, there is a need for research to fill gaps in the understanding of sexual functioning of young women.”

To do this, the team surveyed a group of 6,986 young females living in Australia, scoring them on their sexual wellbeing in terms of desire, arousal, responsiveness, orgasm and self-image, as well as their levels of sexual distress.

A third of the group was single and nearly 70 percent had been sexually active in the month leading up to the study. 

While nearly half the group reported distress in their sex lives, a concerning 30 percent experienced that distress without dysfunction at all.

Most people with an FSD had only one dysfunction, and this was usually related to sexual self-image and self-consciousness during intimacy, which was often tied to being overweight, breastfeeding, or living together with a partner.

Of those who had two sexual dysfunctions, the most common combo usually involved issues with arousal and orgasms, as well as arousal and sexual self-image.

What’s more, psychotropic medication like antidepressants had the most pervasive impact on sexual function, although, the authors warn, this may have more to do with the mental health issue itself than the pharmaceuticals.

When a whopping three dysfunctions were present, the trio usually included issues of desire, arousal, and self-image. And while issues with responsiveness were the most uncommon disorder, over half the people who did suffer from this issue also had three or four other dysfunctions involved.

Compared to older people, the authors say, younger people are less likely to experience low arousal or orgasmic dysfunction, but it seems as though this newer generation might be more distressed by such issues.

Nevertheless, research on this topic is still in its infancy, and there’s little context in which to place these findings.

For instance, the team discovered for some unknown reason that Asian women were significantly less likely to have an FSD compared to white women. And, for the first time, they also turned up a link between breastfeeding and sexual self-image dysfunction.

Today, evidence shows men are nearly two times more likely to orgasm during sex than women, and meanwhile, the safety and efficacy of new female viagra drugs have remained controversial.

Clearly, more solutions are needed other than what we are currently offering.

“That approximately one-half of young women experience sexually related personal distress and one in five women have an FSD, with sexual self-image dysfunction predominating, is concerning,” the authors conclude.

“The high prevalence of sexually related personal distress signals the importance of health professionals, particularly those working in the field of gynecology and fertility, being adequately prepared to routinely ask young women about any sexual health concerns and to have an appropriate management or referral pathway in place.”

Sexual wellbeing, they say, is a fundamental right for all people.

The study was published in Fertility and Sterility.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Talk to Your Partner About Your Sexual Past

Even if you’re an empowered woman, you might still be worried about this conversation. And that’s totally OK.

By Gigi Engle

Talking about your sexual history isn’t always a walk in the park. Frankly, it can be scary AF.

Maybe your so-called “number” is a bit “high,” maybe you’ve had a few threesomes, been with someone of the same sex, or are into BDSM. Or, maybe you’re worried about a lack of sexual experience, a past STI diagnosis, pregnancy scares, or an abortion you had a few years ago. Your sexual history is ultra-personal and often comes layered in emotions. Regardless of your experience, it’s a touchy subject. When you get down to the bones of it, you want to feel empowered, own your sexuality, and be a grown-ass woman who isn’t ashamed of any of her decisions…but you also want the person you’re with to respect and understand you. You know that the right person won’t judge you or be cruel, but it doesn’t make the fact that they might any less scary.

The thing is, you’ll probably need to have this conversation eventually—and it doesn’t have to turn out badly. Here’s how to talk to your partner about your sexual past in a way that is positive and beneficial for both of you (and your relationship). Hopefully, you’ll come out the other end closer as a result.

Why Is It So Hard to Talk About Sex?

Let’s talk a little bit about why it’s so scary to talk about sex in the first place; because knowing the “why” can help with the “how.” (Just like with fitness goals!)

“Sexual history is hard to talk about because most people were taught by their families, culture, and religion not to talk about it,” says Holly Richmond, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist.

If you can choose to reject those lessons of shame and impropriety, you’ll start to feel empowered and be able to step into yourself as a sexually liberated person. Of course, doing that isn’t a cakewalk; it takes a ton of internal growth and self-love. If you don’t feel like you’re there, the first thing to do is find a good therapist or a certified sex coach who can help guide you on this journey. Know that it’ll take commitment and work; with so much societal shame around sex, you’ll probably need a little outside assistance to help you get to where you want to go.

“When you start to understand that your sexual health is as important as your physical and mental health, you’ll hopefully feel empowered to speak up about what you want and need,” says Richmond. (See: How to Talk to Your Partner About Wanting More Sex)

From there, you’ll likely need to learn an entirely new set of communication skills in order to discuss sex because most people have never been accurately taught how to have these highly intimate conversations. “It’s very common to feel nervous about a subject that you aren’t used to expressing—especially verbally and to someone you’re starting to develop feelings for,” says Kristine D’Angelo, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist.

That’s why, even if you’ve embraced yourself as the sexual, fabulous goddess you are, talking about sex can still be scary. Being nervous about sex and being sexually empowered are not independent of one another; they can coexist inside the extremely complex human psyche, and that’s perfectly OK.

How to Have Conversations of Such a Sensitive Nature

Before you delve into talking about your sexual past, ask yourself what you’re trying to get out of this conversation: Is this something you need to disclose in order to attain emotional intimacy or in order to be yourself in this new relationship? “If you know why you’re starting the conversation, it’s easier to pick the right time to bring it up,” says D’Angelo.

Option 1: The whole conversation doesn’t need to happen right away, explains Moushumi Ghose, M.F.T., licensed sex therapist. “Drop a seed and see how the response goes,” she says. “Continue dropping seeds on a consistent basis to make sure you are keeping the conversation going—this allows room for [them] to ask questions.” Once someone begins asking questions, you can ease them into your sexual past without unleashing a tidal wave of information out of nowhere. For example, you could mention that a few years ago you and an ex-partner had a threesome; if they ask questions about the encounter, you might share more details and how you felt about that experience.

Option 2: Another way to approach the topic is by having a dedicated, sit-down conversation. Depending on what you want to share and your comfort level, you can decide if that feels right to you. If so, you’ll want to be in a safe space where the two of you can be vulnerable with each other (ex: at home, rather than in a crowded area where other people can listen in) and you may also want to give your partner a heads up so they can mentally prepare as well. “Let your partner know that you’d like to set some time aside to talk about your sexual histories,” suggests D’Angelo. “Share why you feel this would be an important conversation to have and let them prepare by giving them some things to think about before your scheduled time to talk.”

Relationship styles are different and the way you choose to have these conversations is subjective to your specific relationship. Regardless, get clear on what you’d feel OK revealing and go into the conversation with your head held high. (Related: This One Conversation Radically Changed My Sex Life for the Better)

“Also, make sure you’re also bringing your curiosity to your partner’s sexual history as well,” says D’Angelo. “Yes, you want them to understand you better but being curious about their sexual history will give them space to open up to you, too. That’s when deep intimacy starts to develop.”

At What Point In the Relationship Should You Bring It Up?

There’s widespread concern for not wanting to reveal “too much, too soon” in a relationship, and sexual history is just one of the things that fall under that umbrella.

However, before you ever have sex, it’s crucial that you discuss your sexual boundaries, STI testing, and safer-sex practices. Getting comfortable with this conversation first will set you up for having deeper, more in-depth conversations about your sexual past later. Plus, anyone who won’t disclose their STI information, use condoms, or gets cagey about your boundaries isn’t someone you want to have sex with—those should be non-negotiable and establish a level of mutual respect.

Talk about your sexual past when the conversation comes up naturally in the progression of the relationship—because it almost always comes up. At that point, you can “drop a seed” and ease into the topic, or you can decide to sit down and talk at a later time.

At the end of the day, being OK with your sexual history yourself is the most important thing of all, says Richmond. “Sure, there may be several experiences that you would love a do-over for, but making those mistakes is part of the human experience, and at the end of the day, quite irreplaceable in developing your sense of self.”

If you feel deeply shameful about anything in your past, consider talking to a therapist who can help you work through it; you may benefit from staying out of a sexual relationship until you’ve done some internal healing.

How to Talk It In a Way That Strengthens Your Bond

Of course, there’s the fear that sharing your sexual history might make you or your partner feel bad about a comparatively wild or not-so-wild past. This is a valid concern, and dismissing it doesn’t make it go away.

It’s common to feel inadequate, no matter what your experience level is—that’s the whole thing, everyone feels inadequate to their partner’s past lovers, even if only a tiny bit. “Why? Because every partner is different and has different tastes,” says Ghose. It’s easy to fall into the comparison trap and pit yourself up against “The Ex They Had a Threesome With” or “The Ex They Dated for 10 Years,” because humans are prone to self-sabotage. An ex can become this larger-than-life “sex god,” and it’s easy to fear you won’t live up to this (fictional) person. (Related: Is Being Friends with Your Ex Ever a Good Idea?)

The important thing is to remember that feelings of inadequacy go both ways. Open, honest communication can help. “Let your partner know you’ve healed or what you’ve learned about yourself over the years, and that they shouldn’t feel overwhelmed or inadequate,” says Richmond. “If you’re solid in your sexual self, but [are] always up to learn and experience more, then hopefully they’ll be up for that journey with you instead of getting in their head about what they think they can or can’t offer.”

Don’t make the conversation a “big reveal,” but rather about both of you and your different histories. D’Angelo suggests asking:

  • What have your past sexual experiences taught you about your sexuality?
  • Why is sex important to you?
  • What sexual challenges have you faced in your past?
  • How have your past sexual experiences shaped who you are today?

“By sharing these questions with them you’ll be giving them an opportunity to know what exactly you’re hoping to explore during this conversation,” she says. (You can also explore these questions by starting a sex journal to help reflect on your thoughts and feelings.)

If It Starts to Go South…

If you’re worried about your partner’s reaction or your own emotions, know that’s it’s helpful to preface that the conversation with an emphasis on empathy and being ~in it together~. When you come at it from a place of sharing, it can make the whole situation a bit more palatable and encourage you to grow closer verses come at the situation from opposing sides.

If something does go poorly or one person becomes judgmental or hurtful, the best thing to do is to say, “This is hurting me. What you’re saying is causing me distress. Can we put a pin in this?” Take a day to process, reflect, and consider what they said to you. Remember that these topics aren’t easy to talk about and these conversations can be emotionally overwhelming; there’s no need for either of you to feel guilty if you can’t just breeze past sensitive information. If you need to pause and pick it back up again, remember (and remind your partner) to be gentle with each other.

Note: You Don’t Have to Share Everything

This may sound a bit odd, but it’s not your responsibility to reveal everything about your past. Your STI status is one thing, as it pertains to your partner’s sexual safety, but that time you had an orgy isn’t necessarily something you need to reveal.

“There’s a difference between privacy and secrecy. Everyone is entitled to privacy, and if there are aspects of your sexual past that you want to keep private, that’s fine,” says Richmond. (Related: 5 Things You May Not Want to Tell Your Partner)

This isn’t about keeping secrets or holding onto shame. It’s about choosing to share the information you want to share. It’s your life and if you don’t want your partner to know about the sex club you went to in your early twenties, that’s your business. Maybe you’ll decide to share more details later down the road. Maybe you won’t. Either way is fine.

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