‘The sex ed class you wish you’d had’

— The influencer doctors teaching Americans the basics

With schools failing American students, OB-GYNs use TikTok to tackle questions and dispel myths

By

Some of TikTok’s biggest stars aren’t teen influencers or adorable pets – they are OB-GYNs posting sex education videos.

Need to know if you can continue to take antidepressants while pregnant? Dr Keith L Riggs, a Houston-based OB-GYN, has got you covered. Want to see how an IUD is inserted into the uterus? Check out a demo on the Dallas physician assistant Shay Blue’s page. Have questions on what sex position is most likely to get you pregnant? Dr Ali Rodriguez – aka the Latina Doc – made a video for that. (Spoiler: it’s whatever position you like the most – no method has emerged as a scientifically proven best choice.)

All kinds of doctors have joined TikTok. There are plastic surgeons and dermatologists who gleefully post videos hypothesizing what work an actor has had done. Dentists film videos – equal parts terrifying and mesmerizing – showing what plaque looks like as it’s scraped from teeth. If you really want to see footage from a colonoscopy, hit up the urology corner of #healthtok.

But those who practice #OBGYN – a hashtag that has over 5bn views on the app – enjoy a particular kind of virality. And some of the most popular have parlayed their online fame into other ventures.

Dr Jennifer Lincoln, who has 2.8 million followers and claims to offer “the health class you wish you had in high school”, published a book on reproductive health in 2021 and hosts a podcast where she answers listeners’ questions about all things sex. (Recent episodes include A Summer Period Survival Guide and Myth-Busting the Morning-After Pill.)

Dr Jennifer Lincoln has 2.8 million followers and hosts a podcast.

“There’s just a lot of people out there who do not know how to access things,” Lincoln, who lives in Portland, said. “Commenters have asked about anything from birth control to a pregnancy test. These are basic things we would have hoped to have been covered in sex ed, but that’s not the case in the majority of states.”

Americans have been receiving inadequate sex education for decades – but in the last year, things have become even worse. The supreme court’s reversal of Roe v Wade has led to a flood of abortion misinformation online, and Florida’s “don’t say gay” law means that teachers can no longer lead classroom discussions on gender identity or sexuality. As LGBTQ+ students continue to be marginalized across the country, they lack information that can help them understand their bodies and cultivate a sense of autonomy.

A few years ago, people with concerns about their reproductive health might hit up anonymous Reddit boards for help – now, they can take their pick of TikTok experts to follow.

Dr Danielle Jones, who goes by @mamadoctorjones on TikTok, said she had joined the platform because that’s where the kids are. “It’s a good venue to do some sex education and dispel myths about things that impact people who are younger,” she said. “We know that if we can get into their heads early and dispel misinformation before they encounter it, it can keep them from falling down the rabbit hole.”

And there are a lot of myths to dispel. Though Planned Parenthood reports that the vast majority of parents support having sex education taught in middle and high school, the US is pretty terrible at teaching it. Only 30 states and the district of Columbia require sex education classes in schools, and those that do may stress harmful abstinence-only narratives or spread medically inaccurate information.

Since the fall of Roe, Lincoln’s teen viewers have reached out to her after applying to college in states where abortion rights have been gutted, such as Texas, Florida, or Oklahoma. “They’re really scared, and they’re not sure if they’ll be able to access contraception,” she said. “Parents will also message me saying, ‘My daughter is going to college, she has her heart set on the University of Texas, but I’m scared for her. What should I do?’”

Lincoln’s answer: “Let’s talk about birth control and get Plan B and abortion pills ahead of time, just in case. You may not think this is a conversation you have to have with your daughter, but in 2023, you do.

Only 30 states and DC require sex education in schools.

Jones, who practiced obstetrics in Texas before her family moved to New Zealand in 2021, said many of her followers reach out to her with questions they do not want to ask their primary care physicians.

“In states like Texas, people are concerned about who they can safely ask about contraception,” she said. “If you don’t know how your healthcare provider feels about abortion, you don’t know if you can trust them.”

Tiffany Connolly, a 26-year-old from Grand Rapids, Michigan, has learned helpful information from OB-GYNs on TikTok. “It’s a useful source when it can be difficult to pinpoint certain things within my body,” she said. “I can’t always just call up a doctor or make an appointment right away.”

Connolly, who does not want children, plans to get a tubal ligation after her IUD expires next year. Young people who seek sterilizations often have to visit multiple doctors before finding one who will agree to provide it, but Connolly found a spreadsheet posted by Dr Franziska Haydanek, a Rochester, New York, gynecologist with more than 300,000 followers, that lists the names of doctors across the country who are known to safely and responsibly perform the procedure on unmarried and childless patients.

Haydanek posted the spreadsheet last summer, right as the reversal of Roe v Wade pushed more women to consider the procedure as a means of permanent birth control. Since then, the video has been viewed over 50,000 times.

Krysten Stein, a PhD candidate in media studies, has written about TikTok gynecologists for a communications journal. “I wanted to know why these videos were getting so much traction,” she said. “When people seek these kinds of resources online, it’s often because they don’t have access to health insurance or doctors.

Dr Danielle Jones wants to keep young people from ‘falling down the rabbit hole’.

Stein has polycystic ovary syndrome, which can cause irregular periods and pelvic pain, but often goes undiagnosed by doctors who downplay its symptoms as normal period side effects.

Years ago, Stein found refuge in online forums like Reddit, where she finally engaged with people who took her pain seriously. She suspects that people on TikTok form a similar kind of community on the app. “It’s a platform where you can see other people who might be experiencing the same thing as you are,” she said.

Samantha Broxton lives in southern California and frequents OB-GYN TikTok, where, the 35-year-old mom said, she had learned things she wished her own doctors had told her years ago. It’s been a resource for her, but she also wonders what type of care TikTok OB-GYNs provide their patients offline.

“If they’re talking about inequalities in medicine on TikTok, I want to know if they’re vocal about it too in the workplace,” she said. “Are they working to improve the system, or is it just easy to talk about doing that online?”

The American College of Gynecology and Obstetrics does not give doctors specific rules on how to use TikTok, but some hospitals and institutions have social media policies. For the most part, Stein said, doctors are on their own when it comes to deciding what information is appropriate to include in a TikTok.

They don’t always get it right. Last year, four obstetrics nurses were fired from an Atlanta hospital for making a video mocking expectant mothers. Emory hospital, which employed the nurses, later released a statement saying the video was “disrespectful and unprofessional”.

Should OB-GYN influencers take money from brands? When Stein interviewed some for her paper, there was no general consensus. Certain TikTok OB-GYNs said they would only accept deals with brands that felt aligned with their values – they were not just taking cash from anyone. Others were less judicious.

“Some of them said, ‘I want to be a content creator full time,’” Stein said. “There were a lot of moral questions that came up around that. There are no rules, and right now it’s based upon the specific person’s moral compass.”

And how do you know someone is actually a doctor, and not just playing one on TikTok? Lincoln noted that some creators are misleading in their credentials, calling themselves “hormone experts” in their bio. “That’s a term some people use after reading a book or taking a weekend ‘course’ – so, meaningless,” she said.

There are also chiropractors, anesthesiologists, and generalists who are not reproductive health experts dispensing advice on the subject. “It’s really confusing to people, because they see MD in the handle and think they’re experts, though they’re not experts in the field,” Lincoln said. “This harms the OB-GYN TikTok space because these grifting experts often throw our field under the bus.”

Actual gynecologists worth a 30-second watch, Lincoln says, are ones who cite their sources or at least let their viewers know when something is their opinion rather than a studied fact. “As a rule, when I’m explaining something medical, I always give references,” she said. “We need to be transparent about what we know and what we don’t.”

Jones believes the most urgent part of her job right now is spreading accurate information about abortion rights. She grew up in rural Texas and described herself as pro-life until going to medical school changed her mind. Now, she hopes to help others come to the same conclusion.

“I’ve had people reach out and say that I’ve helped them see abortion rights from a different perspective,” Jones said. “It’s one of the most meaningful things I can hear: ‘Two weeks ago I would have called you a murderer, but now I support the right to choose.’”

Still, she knows the limitations of TikTok activism. “What I do online is valuable, and it’s a great supplement, but it’s not going to fully replace sex education,” she said. “Young people need that, and we know the outcomes are not going to be good when they don’t receive it in schools.”

Complete Article HERE!

‘This Book is Gay’

— Provides comprehensive, and inclusive, sexual education

“This Book is Gay,” by Juno Dawson.

By Ali Velshi and Hannah Holland

“This Book is Gay,” by Juno Dawson, starts with a welcome: “There’s a long-running joke that, on ‘coming out,’ a young lesbian, gay guy, bisexual, or trans person should receive a membership card and instruction manual. This is your instruction manual.” And “This Book is Gay” reads as exactly that: a guide.

Each fact-based chapter is interspersed with a candid, first-person narrative collected from real people.

Equal parts humorous and informative, this nonfiction young adult book is divided into sections: identity, stereotypes, queer history, coming out and relationships — including sexual relationships. Each fact-based chapter is interspersed with candid, first-person narratives collected from real people.

Dawson is a guide with credentials, having spent nearly a decade as a sexual education and wellness teacher in the U.K. before turning to writing full-time. She came out as transgender publicly in 2015 and is a staunch advocate for the LGBTQ+ community.

“The Ins and Outs of Gay Sex,” a chapter positioned toward the end of the book, opens with text outlined to make you take notice, “This Chapter is about sex. […] If you are a younger reader and feel you aren’t ready for the finer details of same-sex pairings, then simply skip this whole chapter.” The chapter goes on to include potentially lifesaving information on sexually transmitted infections, including HIV and AIDS, diagrams of sexual organs, like you might see in health class, and a commentary on love and relationships.

It is this section that is referenced most frequently in the relentless calls to ban this book across the United States.

Much has been written about the sheer number of books banned these past two school years (a record 1,477 instances of individual books banned in the first half of this school year according to PEN America) and the fact that a disproportionately high number of those titles tell LGBTQ+ stories. “This Book is Gay” is frequently near the top of the American Library Association’s list of most banned books.

Most of the books we feature on the “Velshi Banned Book Club” are literature, including contemporary works of poetry and graphic novels. The conversation surrounding the accessibility of those works is ultimately a conversation about the value of literature for students and for society. Conversely, the conversation surrounding “This Book is Gay” is about the necessity for comprehensive and, most importantly, inclusive sexual education. As Dawson so saliently reminds readers, the exclusion of same-sex couples in the typical sex-ed class is nothing short of “institutional homophobia.”

Sexual education of any kind is rapidly disappearing and changing across the nation. Florida’s Broward County, which includes Fort Lauderdale, ended this school year with no sexual education at all. Georgia’s Gwinnett County, just outside of Atlanta, has voted to stick with abstinence-only education. School districts across Kentucky have had to overhaul their curriculum to comply with new bans on sex education, gender identity and student pronouns. This is happening all over the nation, state by state.

Of course, many of the arguments made against “This Book is Gay” center around antiquated views of gender expression and sexuality, but they’re also made in bad faith, including labeling this book as “inappropriate.” For a certain age group, this book is inappropriate. This book is not for young children — which is why it is not written for or marketed to them. Educators and proponents of inclusive sexual education, who may have used this book as an educational resource or noted its spot on a library shelf, are not intending for it to be used to teach young children.

Florida’s Broward County, which includes Fort Lauderdale, ended this school year with no sexual education at all.

“This Book is Gay” is for those young adults already grappling with their sexuality and identity. It is for those who are already looking for a safe space, understanding, or a guide through the dense jungle of teenage years. A group, I might add, that has had access to the full depths of the internet for their entire lives. It is the best-case, and least-likely, scenario that any one of them learned about sex, relationships and sexual identity through school-mandated sexual education or with the help of books that could be read and discussed with their parents.

The reality is this: At some point between high school, college and young adulthood, most everyone will be confronted with a situation related to sex and sexuality. “I didn’t know anything about myself. […] I was so unprepared and, now as an adult I see that I was left very vulnerable. I didn’t fully understand consent, I didn’t fully understand boundaries, I didn’t understand that I could say no to things,” explains Dawson in an interview on the Velshi Banned Book Club.

Relationships can be the most beautiful and rewarding part of life, and they can also be the most damaging, physically and emotionally. By prohibiting access to valuable resources like “This Book is Gay,” we are leaving already vulnerable LGBTQ+ young adults with nowhere to turn.

Sending our young people, regardless of sexual orientation, into the world without a comprehensive understanding of how to prevent sexually transmitted infections or pregnancy is a huge problem. Sending our young people into the world without a conversation about what respect looks like within a relationship is a major issue. Sending our young people into the world without a conversation about who exactly they are is nothing short of a crisis.

Complete Article HERE!

How to boost your libido if you’re taking antidepressants

— Trust us, it’s not gone forever

BY Holly Berckelman

If you take antidepressants and have found your libido’s dropped off a cliff, fear not, there are GP-approved steps you can take to bring it back.

There’s a lot of stigma around antidepressants

Due to the formerly hush-hush nature of mental illness and misconceptions spread in pop culture (hi, Stepford Wives), there’s a huge amount of misinformation that’s still present in the social conscience.

In reality, for people struggling with mental illness, particularly anxiety and depression, antidepressants medication can be life-changing. They can assist with levelling out severe peaks and troughs and bring an overwhelming sense of relief to the person taking the meds, in turn giving them the chance to work on their mental health in other ways.

Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are one of the most common forms of antidepressants and work by slowing the rate at which the central nervous symptom reuptakes the natural serotonin produced by the body. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter attributed to happiness.

However, as with all medications, there can be side effects, one being a loss of libido.

According to Cindy Meston, a clinical psychologist and sexual psychophysiology researcher in the United States, it’s the unwanted effect women report most often.

“They don’t feel like having sex, or when they have sex, they’re just not into it,” Meston tells Goop. “And many also report an inability to attain orgasm.”

A study published in The Mental Health Clinician (MHC), a peer-reviewed, bimonthly, clinical practice journal, hypothesised that the side effects of SSRIs are attributed to the increase of serotonin in other areas of the body, and may affect “other hormones and neurotransmitters, such as testosterone and dopamine.”

“This may lead to side effects of sexual dysfunction, as testosterone may affect sexual arousal and dopamine plays a role in achieving orgasm.”

Other research shows that SSRIs “impact many key neurotransmitters (like serotonin, dopamine, histamine, and acetylcholine) and decrease the activation of the sympathetic nervous system, which alters a woman’s libido.”

Aside from the scientific specifics, an unexpected loss of libido can be difficult for couples and individuals to manage.

General Practitioner (GP) Dr Sam Saling says “For those partnered up, it can cause relationship difficulties, which has a whole heap of consequences especially if there is a mismatch between each person’s sexual drive.”

Meanwhile for people who are single, “Lowered libido can still have a great effect on self-esteem, one’s interpersonal relationship endeavours, and one’s social life.”

“For both men and women, lowered libido can have absolutely no physical and mental effects, or alternatively, a huge effect, depending on the person.”

Fortunately, there are a number of ways you can work to boost your libido if it’s dropped off a cliff since you started taking antidepressants. We asked Dr Saling for her tips on getting to the bottom of a low libido, and the best ways to boost it back up.

First, look for other causes

Dr Saling says before you look to blame the antidepressants, it’s important to look for the true cause of the feeling.

“Low libido in itself is often a symptom of an untreated mood disorder,” she tells Body+Soul. “So, often the low libido that follows the commencement of an antidepressant is actually a sign of a pre-existing illness, not a side effect of the medication.”

If you’re experiencing low libido in the first half-year after commencing medication, this is particularly true, as “It can take six months or more to start seeing the full effect of an antidepressant.”

Another common side effect of antidepressants is increased sleepiness in the short term, which Dr Saling says “can definitely lower libido just due to someone’s increased desire to sleep over other activities in bed.”

Once short-term symptoms have alleviated, and the antidepressant is working in terms of abating mood symptoms, libido may also increase.

However, if after several months libido has lessened significantly, then it could be related to the antidepressants itself (rather than mood or the desire to sleep), as “low libido is a known side effect of many of these medications,” says Dr Saling.

Then, speak to your GP

If you’re suffering from a low libido, the first port of call is your GP.

“Your GP will take a detailed history and this will indicate to us what is the likely cause,” says Dr Saling. “New mood disorder medications, or an increased dose, is a clear cause.”

If it is related to the antidepressants, “Often all it requires is a dose tweaking or a different medication type,” says Dr Saling, “Sometimes, we recommend psychological counselling and lifestyle interventions.”

There are many causes of low libido including, Dr Saling tells Body+Soul, including “vascular issues, hormonal changes, and many more contributing medical conditions. Social circumstances, financial pressures, relationship difficulties and work stress” can also contribute.

If you’re suffering with low libido, your GP is the very best person you can speak to to figure it out, regardless of the cause.

How to boost libido if your antidepressants is the cause

#1. Exercise right before sex

According to Meston’s research, having sex within 30 minutes of a moderate workout significantly increased sexual desire in women taking antidepressants. ]

“We know that exercise has a lot of chronic benefits for health and sexuality—you have more energy, better sleep, enhanced body image, decreased stress,” Meston told Goop. “But in this case, we found that, in addition, acute exercise or a single act of exercise is hugely beneficial for sexual desire.”

This may be due to activating the sympathetic nervous system, which is needed to get turned on enough to reach orgasm.

Dr Saling is also an advocate for regular exercise: “I would recommend starting with a regular exercise routine incorporating both aerobic and resistance training,” she says. “This is recommended to boost mood as well as energy levels overall.

#2. Sync sex to your medication schedule

According to Meston’s research, syncing sex with when you take your medication could also help – as if you have sex right before you take your next dose, the levels from the previous dose will be at their lowest.

There is no evidence to support this practice, but Meston tells Goop that “when levels of antidepressants are very low, their sexual side effects are likely to be low, too.”

#3. Try scheduling sex

While scheduling sex may seem daggy, it can be a great way to increase intimacy in couples, which can often be a crucial step in increasing arousal.

Setting aside time where sex does not come into the picture, along with time where sex is pre-planned can help couples bond without either party misconstruing an attempt for sex, and build anticipation for the times when sex is on the agenda.

#4. Eat a healthy diet

Taking care of your body through a nutritious diet gives you the best opportunity to let it get on with its natural processes – libido included.

“A healthy diet is essential to ensure adequate nutrition to feel one’s best,” instructs Dr Saling.

#5. Introduce sex toys

Of course, if libido has dropped to the point where you or your partner is not interested in sex at all, then that must be respected. However, if you are still keen to include sex in your relationship until low libido is resolved, you may need more stimulation to become aroused and reach orgasm.

Vibrators are a surefire way to turn things up a notch if you are experiencing decreased sensitivity, and will assist with driving blood flow into the genitals.

Dr Saling also suggests implementing regular reviews with your doctor to effectively manage the change. “Not only can we review your response to medication and make adjustments if needed, but we can also recommend non-medical interventions,” she says.

“Once we work out the cause of low libido, we can tailor the treatment plan.”

Complete Article HERE!

The 8 Best Sex Positions for Women to Find Maximum Pleasure

— Elevate your time between the sheets with these moves designed with the female orgasm in mind.

By Shannen Zitz

If you want to make your sex dreams a reality, you’ve come to the right place. Everybody deserves to find pleasure—and with the best sex positions for women you can make sure that you (or your partner) receive just that. Since all bodies are different, it may take some trial and error to find your favorites. But these expert-approved moves are a great place to start.

Taking advantage of these types of positions is important because “certain positions are better suited to female pleasure as they enable direct or indirect stimulation of key erogenous zones like the clitoris or G-spot,” explains Aliyah Moore, Ph.D., a certified sex therapist. “Women often prefer positions that provide such stimulation to enhance their pleasure.”

In addition to trying out some new sex positions, there are a number of ways to increase female pleasure in the bedroom. Moore suggests incorporating the hands, fingers, and mouth to discover what feels good as well as trying out sex toys like vibrators and dildos. “When it comes to enhancing pleasure and achieving orgasm during sex, it’s all about experimentation and exploring different forms of stimulation,” Moore says.

So if you’re excited to change things up in the bedroom, grab your partner and try out these sexpert-recommended positions.

1. Missionary with a pillow

Whoever said missionary position was boring clearly never tried out this variation suggested by Moore. Before you begin, simply place a pillow below the woman’s hips to elevate them slightly, Moore instructs.< This simple modification allows for deeper penetration and increased clitoral stimulation. “The added support and elevation can intensify sensations and increase pleasure,” Moore explains.

2. Cowgirl

Giddy up, partner. The cowgirl position encourages friction against the clitoris, which is often key for the female orgasm. “When riding in this position, you can choose the pace, depth, and angle of penetration, which can help you find what feels best,” explains Joy Berkheimer, Ph.D., L.M.F.T., LGBTQ sexologist.

To perform the cowgirl, one partner will lie flat on their back with their legs out straight, while the other partner will sit on top of them in a straddling position, facing their head, Berkheimer explains. Then, the seated partner can insert their partner’s penis or a sex toy into their vagina.

3. Reverse Cowgirl

This take on the woman-on-top position offers the same pleasure-benefits and control as the regular cowgirl position. Set up the same way, but instead of sitting face-to-face, the partner on top will face toward their partner’s feet.

Berkheimer notes that the reverse cowgirl position offers a ton of versatility and suggests trying out the following variations:

  • Have the partner on top lean forward on their hands while bouncing their hips up and down. The partner on top can stay upright and lean on their knees, or they can grind their hips back and forth.
  • Have the partner on top lean back and support their weight with their feet and their hands stretched out behind them. They can move their body up and down or back and forth.

4. The lotus

Truly get to a deeper level with this intimate position. The lotus position “allows for intimate eye contact, deep penetration, and the opportunity for the woman to control the rhythm and depth of thrusting,” Moore explains. “The close physical connection and clitoral stimulation can enhance pleasure.”

To get into this position, begin with both partners facing one another. The penetrating partner will be seated in a cross-legged position while the other straddles her partner’s lap, wrapping her legs around their waist.

5. Doggy style

Moore and Berkheimer both suggest adding the classic doggy-style position to your list. It involves the woman on all fours, while the other partner penetrates from behind. It’s a versatile position, allowing for anal or vaginal penetration, with a penis, strap-on, finger, or other sex toy, Berkheimer explains.

“This position allows for deeper penetration and provides an opportunity to stimulate the G-spot,” Moore adds. “The angle of entry can create intense sensations, and the hands are free to explore the clitoris or other erogenous zones.”

6. Queening

If you’re looking for sex without intercourse, queening is the way to go for some oral pleasure. “This position gives direct stimulation to the clitoris and several other erogenous zones at the same time,” Berkehimer says.

In this position, the partner will lie down flat on their back while the woman places her legs around their shoulders with her vulva on their mouth. The woman on top can hover or take a seat while holding the wall or her partner’s head while receiving oral sex. Plus, this position frees up the seated partner’s hands to explore her thighs, breasts, stomach, or buttocks while performing oral sex.

7. Spooning

You and your partner might spoon while watching TV or relaxing for the night, but if you haven’t experienced the position sexually—you should. “This position offers intimacy and allows for deep penetration while providing a sense of comfort and relaxation,” Moore explains. “The woman can control the pressure and angle of penetration by adjusting the position of her legs.”

The position involves both partners lying on their sides, with the penetrating partner positioned behind. The penetrating partner simply performs thrusting movements and can even reach around to stimulate the clitoris or breasts for added pleasure, Moore says.

8. Butterfly

The butterfly position is similar to missionary but with a few fun twists. It allows for (you guessed it) deep penetration, and is perfect for cervical and clitoral stimulation, according to Moore. “The angle of entry and the pressure against the pubic bone can contribute to intense pleasure,” adds Moore.

To get into the position, the woman lies down on her back, on a bed or table, with her hips at the edge. The penetrating partner will stand at the end of the surface being used facing the woman, entering under their legs from a standing position.

Complete Article HERE!

So, You Want To Open Your Monogamous Relationship?

— Here’s Where To Start

By Eliza Dumais

We’re a post-monogamy generation in more ways than one: Our fridges house anywhere from two to 16 varieties of “milk.” We select television programs from 11 competing streaming services. Come dinner time, we opt between hundreds of regional cuisines, all available to us within minutes. We’re spoiled for choice, so to speak, and that ethos extends to our romantic proclivities, as well — which is to say, we’re living in the era of the open relationship.

“Sexuality operates in a part of the brain closer to thirst and hunger. It’s primal. It’s not always logical,” says Dr. Helen E. Fisher, PhD, biological anthropologist, human sexuality expert, and senior research fellow at The Kinsey Institute. “And open relationships allow for transparency and exploration around that urge without sacrificing your pair bond.”

Nevertheless, for a demographic largely brought up around “pair bonding” culture — blame reproductive instincts and social conditioning — non-monogamy is not an easy practice for many of us to adopt. “A great relationship takes more than attraction — it takes shared commitment and work. And all parties have to be willing to put in the effort,” says Sara C. Flowers, DrPH, vice president of education & training at Planned Parenthood Federation of America.

It’s for this reason that, in spite of its more recent popularity, non-monogamy is still in its beta phase. So, in order to help alleviate some of the uncharted anxieties that accompany redefining the nature of your partnership, we’ve built out a primer to add to the ethical non-monogamy oeuvre. Ahead, we’ve consulted sexual health counselors, relationship psychologists, and folks in successful non-monogamous partnerships to help assemble a beginner’s guide to practicing non-monogamy — without sacrificing your romantic well-being in the process. Here’s where to start.

Broach the topic in a safe, comfortable space

Perhaps this goes without saying, but a prix fixe meal out on the town may not be the ideal setting for an initial conversation about the terms of your monogamy. It’s entirely possible that your partner may need space to think, to react, to emote. They may need to cry, to yell, to take a moment away from you in order to gather their thoughts. So be sure to choose a setting that’ll allow them the freedom to indulge that.

“Maybe you write your partner a really long email so they have time to chew it all over on their time before you discuss,” suggests Dr. Fisher. “Maybe you address the matter at home. If you have kids, maybe you make sure they’re off with a babysitter.” You know your partner. You know the ways they process, so make your arrangements accordingly. If this is going to work, it’s going to require a lot of difficult communication, so make sure you’re starting out on the right foot.

“If you’re bringing this up out of the blue, it’s also important to make sure your partner knows that you really care for them and that you’re not abandoning them,” Dr. Fisher adds. “This is not the first step out of the relationship, it’s a way of bolstering a partnership you still want to prioritize.” Simply put, you’re not asking to be single — you’re looking to test out modes of exploration that’ll (theoretically) help you continue to choose your primary partner every day.

Make sure both parties are properly on board

“In the long run, this is not going to work unless both people actually want to do it,” says Dr. Fisher. “So, the first thing you have to do once you’ve started the discussion is figure out whether your partner really wants to give this a shot, or whether they’re just trying to please you, because if they’re compromising for your sake, it’s going to fail.”

As she explains it, human beings are not animals that share well. Sure, we all tend to experience varying levels of jealousy — perhaps innately, perhaps based on previous relationship or family trauma — and given that human beings have been practicing forms of monogamy for reproductive sake for years, it’s inevitable that unlearning that mode of loving is hard. You have to respect that it won’t appeal to everyone, that it may even be offensive to some.

“Consent, in the context of non-monogamy, means being clear with your partner(s) about what you want, and where your boundaries are,” adds Dr. Flowers. “Consent should always be Freely Given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific (FRIES). In practice, that means everyone involved must genuinely want to be in an open relationship. They should know exactly what they’re getting into, and they should understand that they can change their mind if things feel uncomfortable.” That said, people are not static. Part of upholding the contract of consent requires checking in with your partner frequently and re-establishing the baseline of your arrangement.

Outline the terms of your agreement

There is no one-size-fits-all approach to non-monogamy — which is to say, you’ll need to define all the terms of your particular agreement together. Are you interested in having romantic relationships with secondary partners or is the arrangement purely sexual? As a couple, do you want to tell your friends about the arrangement? Your children? Are folks in your immediate circle off limits? Are you allowed to bring new partners home? How much will you share with one another regarding your exploits?

“‘Rules’ is a big word, but there are definitely considerations we take for each other,” says Jackson*, 24, who has been in a non-monogamous relationship for nearly four years. “One major consideration is sharing the experiences we have outside of the relationship with each other. If there’s nothing hidden, the waters are less murky. And it can be fun and even erotic to share stories of our outside entanglements with one another.”

Of course, it’s likely that your terms will change as your experience unfolds in actuality, rather than in theory. Dr. Fisher even suggests outlining your agreement on paper, so you’re able to revisit your “contract” at will. “I’ve worked with clients who prefer swinging because you’re always engaging with secondary partners together,” says Dr. Fisher. “And for other people, it’s all about determining whose money you spend on dates, or which nights are off limits for secondary partners, or what spaces, beds, restaurants, cities are primary partner territory, only.”

No two non-monogamy agreements are exactly alike — and that’s why it’s important to give this stage the proper time to breathe. Go back and forth, consult friends about their experiences, read internet forums, watch documentaries, open your brain up to the absolutely limitless quantity of potential approaches to this breed of intimacy. “Folks will rarely tell you about the inordinate amount of time it takes to discuss all this — be prepared, come at it with endurance, leave no stone unturned,” adds Dr. Fisher.

Prioritize your sexual health

Unlike with being single, exploring your sexuality while maintaining a primary partnership means that one person’s actions can affect both parties’ sexual health. You’ll need to agree on your stances on contraceptives, birth control, regular STI tests, and plenty of other issues regarding your collective sexual well-being.

“Communication, empathy, and safer sex practices are important in any romantic relationship,” says Dr. Flowers. “All parties have to be willing to put in the effort. Have open and honest conversations about sex. Take care of your sexual health. Talk to your partner about how you’re going to protect each other against infections and unintended pregnancy. Get tested for STIs regularly.” Ensure that you and your partner have aligned on your policies re: condoms and other forms of birth control. Maintain standing appointments to get tested. Make sure you’re prioritizing one another’s health, even while exploring your sexuality.

Check in with one another regularly

“For us, the rules are always evolving. I think that’s one of the biggest challenges for me in being non-monogamous,” says Rachel*, 31 who has been in an open relationship with her girlfriend for three years. “Knowing that what felt okay last week might not work this week, and having the confidence to advocate for yourself and being able to listen to what your partner needs are all things that have become huge aspects of our relationship.”

Given that the nature of the arrangement is new, it’s likely that you’ll have plenty of cause to revisit your agreement, and the ways it’s affecting you both as a couple and as individuals. After your initial discussion, Dr. Fisher recommends setting a date for regular check-ins, whether it’s a weekly touch base or something far less frequent. That way, you’ll have designated time set aside to litigate without allowing the subject of non-monogamy to leak into all other spaces in your life

Remember, while indulging in forms of secondary partnership, it’s important to make sure you’re still nourishing your primary relationship with all the affection and attention it deserves. Be it a weekly date night, regular vacations, or regular home-cooked meals, factor in time for the two of you as a couple. “Non-monogamy requires so much talking: talking about how you’re feeling, talking about how they’re feeling, talking through past events, talking through hypothetical scenarios,” adds Rachel*. “It can feel like all you do is have hard relationship conversations. It’s important to have those, but make sure you’re also just shooting the shit and getting to enjoy each other.”

Give yourselves an exit strategy

In exploring the thresholds of non-monogamy with your partner, you do indeed run the risk of one or both of you determining that an open relationship simply isn’t working — or at the very least, isn’t serving the sanctity of the primary partnership. And according to Dr. Fisher, if you decide to end the arrangement, you need to decide as a couple. “You need to commit, together, to going back to a pair bond,” she says. “And that means also communicating with any other secondary partners in your life that you’re refocusing on your primary partner, and your outside relationships will need to come to a close.”

If you and your partner are on different pages about closing your relationship, it’s a hard topic to broach, so you’ll need to put some tools in place to make sure you both have the freedom to tap out, whether that’s a timeline on attempting non-monogamy before making a decision together, or a safe word, or a promise to consult an expert to help you facilitate the transition. Utilize resources like your local Planned Parenthood chapter to help navigate obstacles when you feel you’re out of your depth.

Moreover, for couples reinstating monogamy, Dr. Fisher advises steering away from language around “going back.” Partnership is about moving forward. Regression is not an option. Instead, you’ll want to set a precedent for new ways of nourishing your pair bond. “Novelty drives up the dopamine system in the brain, and it can trigger feelings of romantic love or help sustain them,” she explains. “So be honest with your partner about things that make you feel complacent. Talk about ways of injecting your relationship with novelty that don’t include other partners. Continue to build a new partnership with this person you love.”

* Names have been changed to protect the identity of the speaker

Complete Article HERE!

A Guy’s Guide to Embracing Your Inner Submissive

— Giving up control can be really, really fun

The turn-on can also be about challenging the social order

By Gigi Engle

In order to get down and play with submission, you have to relinquish the societal norms of “masculinity.” Being submissive means relishing in surrendering, relaxing and being turned on by not being the one in charge during sex. It’s a chance to let go and capitulate.

And this scares people a whole lot. Many men want to embrace and enjoy this side of themselves but are worried about the social implications of handing over their power to a partner. It can feel too vulnerable, even when it’s something you desire very badly.

Why is it so frightening to want to embrace your inner sub as a cis dude? In short, toxic masculinity. “Somehow, still in the year 2023, many people consider subbing to be a feminine activity, so men are ashamed to explore a submissive side sexually,” explains Zachary Zane, the author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and sex expert for Momentum Intimacy. “They think it makes them ‘less of a real man.’”

Suffice to say, this is ridiculous. You’re not “less manly” just because you want to get pegged, tied up or slapped while in the sack. In fact, the men who are able to embrace their sexual desires and have the confidence to explore are the ones showing true masculinity. To be that secure is sexy as hell.

If being submissive is something you’ve been wanting to try, you’re in really good company. It’s totally normal, fun and hot to want to get into this role. The key is embracing it is to create an experience that feels right and pleasurable for you and your partner(s). You may have a clear idea of how you see your submissive role, or you may not right now — and that’s okay! Here is everything you need to know about submission in sex, and how you can play with it in a way that feels authentic to you.

What Is a Submissive?

Before being able to be submissive, it’s important to be clear about what a submissive is and what this role entails. The role can manifest in many different ways, depending on the people involved in the play. But Dr. Celina Criss, a certified sex coach specializing in BDSM and GSRD (gender and sexual relationship diversity), tells us that “the essential core concept of submission is about intentional power exchange with a partner.”

The power exchange with submission can take place in vanilla/non-kinky sex if one partner is being submissive to the other, but usually when we refer to this dynamic, we’re talking about BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism and masochism). The submissive role is one half of a dominant/submissive (D/s) role play. The submissive hands over their power (with enthusiastic consent) to the dominant partner. “By granting the dominant their power, the submissive increases the dominant’s power over them,” Criss says. “It’s a gift that requires self-awareness and trust.”

The range of D/s activities is truly limitless, but Julieta Chiaramonte, a kink instructor and sex expert, tells us that some typical play may include “being dominated, restrained and controlled.” The sub may derive sexual pleasure from these activities, but not all D/s play involves sex.

What Exactly Is a Praise Kink?

The Appeal of Being Submissive During Sex

The reason people enjoy submission is rooted in giving up control. Criss tells us that for cis men specifically, the turn-on can be about challenging the social order. “Cis-het menfolk are traditionally expected to have greater agency and power in their social roles,” she says. Through submission, you can subvert these roles and embrace a side of yourself that isn’t traditionally expected (or accepted) of you. And the taboo nature of this is freakin’ hot.

Zane says that it’s also about simply being able to relax and not think for a hot minute. “This is especially true for overthinkers or high-powered professionals who manage a team and have to make a ton of decisions,” he says. “When you sub, you don’t need to decide anything. You simply do as you’re told. It can be very freeing.”

Lastly, the appeal of being a submissive can be plain old fun. Giving up your power in a trusting way to a dom partner and engaging in agreed-upon activities that you enjoy is a good time. “Being a sub is also associated with elements of physical pleasure that you typically don’t experience while domming,” Zane says. For example, you may like the sensation of being spanked, slapped or receiving anal stimulation when you sub. It’s a change-up.

Four Expert-Approved Tips to Play With Being the Submissive in a Safe Way

If you’re feeling inspired (and we hope you are), here’s what you can do to let your inner submissive run wild.

Do Some Research First

The first step is to take some personal time to think about your desires and limits. This takes a bit of research. “Self-awareness is essential to this kind of play because it enables partners to communicate in the creation of their dynamic, in the post-play debrief and if a scene doesn’t go as planned,” Criss says.

If you’re interested in learning about BDSM and D/s play, this beginner’s course from Chiaramonte is the perfect place to start. Part of learning is about understanding “the risks involved and [taking] steps to mitigate them,” Chiaramonte explains. “Learn about safe practices and techniques that make you feel safe in submission.”

Get Very Clear About What You Want (and Don’t Want)

Zane tells us that nothing should be a surprise when you’re engaging in this play. Scenes need to be highly negotiated beforehand, which takes clear and honest communication. He suggests considering the following questions: What do you like to be called during sex? Where do you want to be spanked? Do you like spit in your mouth? Do you like your hair pulled? Is anal play on the table?

“Have a safe word,” he adds. “You may think something turns you on, but then in the scene, you feel uncomfortable. That’s totally okay. You’re allowed to stop at any point.”

Take It Slowly

Our experts agree that taking things slowly is absolutely essential when you’re starting out with playing as the submissive. It is vulnerable territory, both emotionally and physically, and therefore it should be handled with caution and care. “Start with some dirty talk,” Zane says. “See how that feels. Then maybe incorporate some light spanking. There’s truly no rush. If you enjoy what you’re doing, you can then take it one step further.”

Once you feel safe and comfortable, you can open yourself up to more advanced play.

Have a Plan for Aftercare

Aftercare is the period post-scene where you take some time to come down and return to baseline. Emotions run high during D/s scenes — and when you’re playing with power dynamics as a cis dude, intense feelings can come up because of all the societal pressure around what it means to “be a man.” Zane suggests having “your partner hold you, bring you water or support you in another way once the scene is over.”

Remember, playing with the submissive does not say anything about who you are as a person. It simply means you enjoy certain kinds of dynamics in the bedroom. Everyone deserves to have the kind of sex they enjoy and to feel safe in expressing their desires.

Complete Article HERE!

Defining Sexuality Later In Life

— Sexuality is a fundamental part of who we are, and examining our desires and needs is fundamental at every age

By G Stone

When and where did you learn about sexuality, and how have your beliefs about sexuality changed since then? I love asking this question. Why? Because growing up, sex and sexuality weren’t openly discussed in many households, including mine.

“Our sexuality sits at the core of who we are as human beings and influences our self-esteem, confidence, belief systems, how we show up in the world and so much more.”

Sexuality is a complex and multi-layered component of our human identity that surpasses physical intimacy and sexual acts.

Questions like this offer insight into our history, culture, upbringing, beliefs, life experiences and present awareness. They challenge us to reflect on our sexual beginnings and examine how things have evolved.

For most of my life, sex and sexuality were the same. Today, I know that sexuality is far more expansive than who we sleep with. Our sexuality sits at the core of who we are as human beings and influences our self-esteem, confidence, belief systems, how we show up in the world and so much more.

Sexuality is a complex and multi-layered component of our human identity that surpasses physical intimacy and sexual acts. It’s a personal journey, sometimes a nuanced experience and often something we don’t understand until much later in life.

As we get older, we seek more profound levels of closeness and connection.

Sexuality Beyond Sex

In understanding your sexuality beyond the idea of physical intimacy and sexual acts, let’s think about the six following aspects:

1. Sexual Self: Who are you as a sexual being at this stage of your life?

This includes your biology, anatomy, ability to engage in specific sexual behaviors, identity, desires, preferences, interests and kinks, etc. All of these things add shape and dimension to your sexuality.

2. Emotional Intimacy: Which sexual identity(s) or gender(s)?

As we get older, we seek more profound levels of closeness and connection. Our sexuality offers information about who we choose to be vulnerable to with regard to sharing our thoughts, emotions, compassion and support.

3. Mental: Who are you, and how do you see and feel about yourself?

Your sexuality, personality, values, beliefs, confidence and self-esteem are pieces of your most authentic self. They influence your mental health, overall well-being, relationship with yourself and ability to engage and interact with others.

4. Romantic Attraction: Who’s the partner for you?

Your sexuality offers information about who or what types of humans with whom you experience intense feelings, longing for affection, emotional connection, willingness to commit and desire for a future together.

5. Social and Cultural Norms: What will people think?

We may not want to admit it, but most of us struggle with navigating what other people think – even in a small way. The opinions of friends, loved ones, neighbors, media and the world around us play a significant role in our behaviors, decision-making and, ultimately, our ability to live authentically.

6. Aesthetic Attraction: What’s your type?

Aesthetic attraction is different from sexual attraction. Aesthetic attraction is being attracted to or drawn in by someone’s physical appearance. 

It includes physical features and appreciation of their beauty, style, figure and facial features. Unlike sexual attraction, these characteristics may or may not incite sexual desire.

These six components are part of our sexuality. They are unique to each individual and may change at any point during one’s life. Our sexuality and who we are sexually play a significant role in how we feel about ourselves. It also informs how we feel about our relationships and, ultimately, our ability to achieve happiness.

It’s a good practice to review these areas at different stages of our lives to cultivate a deeper sense of self-awareness and evaluate alignment within ourselves and with others.

Understanding and Exploration

Who am I sexually, and what does that mean? Our ability to understand, accept and embrace ourselves impacts our capacity to live happier, healthier and more fulfilling lives.

Sexuality is a fundamental part of who we are, and examining our desires, boundaries, interests, and needs becomes more important as we progress through life. For many, age can be a catalyst for comfort in being one’s most authentic self.

It can create the time and space to work on things like:

For many, age can be a catalyst for comfort in being one’s most authentic self.

  • Personal growth and making better decisions
  • Engaging in activities that are more aligned with our interests
  • Focusing on things that bring us joy and fulfillment
  • Prioritizing our health
  • Retirement or career changes
  • Spending time with family and friends

All these things help us acquire a deeper understanding and a greater sense of self and self-awareness. We can find acceptance in embracing our most authentic selves and, in turn, expand our capacity for happiness and having a pleasurable life.

Age also brings physical, mental, emotional and sexual changes, and many of these changes aren’t within our control. With this in mind, it’s essential to approach these changes with compassion and grace instead of shame, blame or judgment.

It may be helpful to have an open mind and explore new experiences as our minds, bodies and desires may call for different things later in life. Exploration can be both solo and shared experiences not limited to sex. 

It can be an exciting process to assess our sexual preferences, determine who we want to explore with, engage in various forms of intimacy (physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual and experiential), practice open and honest communication about needs, identify challenges, desires and pleasure, and experiment with different mental and physical stimulation forms. 

In addition, we can use exploration as an opportunity to discover what feels right for us and hone in on the unique and personal aspects of our sexual self at our current stage of life and beyond.

Cultivating a healthy and fulfilling relationship with our sexual self is a lifelong process essential to our overall well-being. It’s best to approach this process with an open and curious mind and seek support from professionals, health care providers, therapists and other support systems if and when needed.

Complete Article HERE!

Best sex advice of 2023

— So far

From lasting longer in bed to our top orgasm tip.

BY Anna Iovine 

In a time where sex education isn’t mandated in many parts of the country (and the world), it’s no surprise that we don’t know where to turn for sex advice. Sex educators are often pushed off social media platforms, letting online misinformation fester.

Thankfully, here at Mashable, we pride ourselves in providing evidence-based, inclusive advice that you won’t get in school — or by watching porn, for that matter.

Here are 6 pieces of the best sex advice of 2023 (so far).

Set your boundaries

Whether you’re with a new or longtime partner, setting sexual boundaries is a must. That doesn’t mean it’s easy, though; communicating about sex can be difficult when we’re not used to it. You don’t have to rush into it, though. In fact, the first step is to figure out what your boundaries are, and only you alone can do that.

Once you know what you do and don’t want in bed, set the scene for the sensitive conversation. Set a time and private place for it. Then, use “I” statements, like “I don’t like to be touched there.” Check out our guide to setting sexual boundaries for more in-depth tips.

Why can I orgasm from masturbation, but not sex?

If you can cum on your own but not with your partner, you’re not alone. As experts told us, it’s understandable to orgasm freely by yourself; you’re not thinking about your performance, how you look, or focusing on your partner’s pleasure instead of your own. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible to orgasm in partnered sex, though! Some tips are to try mutual masturbation, incorporate sex toys, and focus on exploring your own body.

Top orgasm tip

If the above tips aren’t working, maybe consider the most important ingredient to achieve orgasm: emotional safety. As sex and relationship therapist Lena Elkhatib said, “Having an orgasm requires us to be able to [be] present with the sensation of pleasure in our body and relaxed enough to allow ourselves the release at climax.” This can’t happen if we feel unsafe, which can be caused by a variety of issues, from trauma to a judgmental partner. Our brains are the biggest sex organ, so whatever’s going on “up here” will impact “down there.”

How can I last longer in bed?

Our society is obsessed with lasting longer in bed — when the reality is the average time between getting an erection and orgasming is 5-7 minutes. Still, there are expert-approved ways to take your time, including edging, and taking penetration out of the equation entirely. But remember that lasting longer doesn’t necessarily mean your partner wants to be penetrated the entire time! There are other ways both partners can pleasure each other, penetration or not.

I want to try kink…

Want to dive into Dom/sub dynamics but don’t know where to start? Look no further than our guide, which goes over the basics of what Dom/sub dynamics actually are, different ways it could play out, how to establish boundaries, and the importance of aftercare. If your knowledge of BDSM comes from TV or movies, know that there’s a lot more to explore and a lot of knowledge to learn. In fact, don’t dive into a D/s dynamic before reading up about it. And, as always: the key word is “consent.”

How to have sober sex

We’re rounding out the best sex advice of the first half of 2023 with a breakdown of how to have sex sober. For anyone who has mostly done it under the influence, sober sex can feel daunting — and that’s okay. Sex is a vulnerable act, and you may be used to dulling your senses with substances. We asked the experts for tips on how to go to into sex clear-headed, and you might even find the benefits of stone-cold sober sex — like feeling more sensations.

Complete Article HERE!

5 Ways You Can Vet Advice About Sexual Health Online

— Misinformation can be dangerous wherever you find it. Here’s how to stay safe.

By Kate Daniel

“Is this syphilis? PLEASE HELP,” user Difficult-Parsnip508 posted to r/STD, a page on Reddit that’s devoted to everything and anything related to sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

“I’m female; my last exposure was approximately three weeks ago. I don’t have any rashes on my hands/palms or my foot/soles. It’s this rash on the top of my right shoulder. It’s been here for the past 3 days and hasn’t gotten better or worse. For complicated reasons, I can’t go to the doctor. I’m freaking out and I will be grateful for any help.”

A photo depicting her back and the small, brownish-red bumps accompanied the text.

Within hours, the root vegetable-loving (or hating?) original poster had received several replies. Most suggested it looked like acne or maybe an insect bite. Several encouraged her to see a doctor or get an at-home test.

One, luckychatms130, railed against the dangers of sex outside of marriage, advising never to trust a partner who is “already fornicating.” They also suggested getting tested.

Difficult-Parsnip508’s is one of the countless similar posts to the r/STD forum that seek advice on everything from suspicious bumps to confusing test results and anxiety-inducing one-night-stands.

Research into online health advice

A 2019 study published in the Journal of American Medicine (JAMA) collated data from thousands of these posts published between 2010—the year r/STD was created—and 2018. Of those, about 58 percent of all posts on the page explicitly sought crowd diagnoses, the study authors reported, with about 38 percent sharing (often graphic) photos of their symptoms. Like Difficult-Parsnip508, nearly 90 percent received replies and advice, usually within hours.

Some of those responses were medically sound. Most, however, were “wildly inaccurate,” the study authors explained in a press release. They specifically cited the “crowd’s” astonishing degree of faith in apple cider vinegar, which is not, for the record, a cure-all.

Perhaps more concerning, many respondents gave advice that directly contradicted doctors’ recommendations, sometimes with potentially dangerous implications and outcomes.

The World Wide Web is a powerful tool for education and empowerment—but it’s also home to content such as ‘how to make a DIY condom’

Of course, it’s not just Reddit users doling out dubious advice. A 2021 systematic review published in the Journal of Medical Internet Research examined 69 studies on a variety of health topics, from smoking to the HPV vaccine. Researchers found the prevalence of health misinformation was high across multiple platforms and subject areas.

A 2022 systematic review of 31 previous studies published by the World Health Organization (WHO) yielded similar results. The WHO report indicated such false information negatively affected people’s health behaviors.

Amid a nationwide epidemic of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and ever-changing reproductive healthcare laws, medically accurate information and competent services may be more important than ever. Yet, due to various barriers, from shame and stigma to a lack of transportation, tens of thousands of people are turning to their fellow internet users instead of licensed primary care doctors or health services.

If you’ve ever been online, you know why that might be a problem. The World Wide Web is a powerful tool for education and empowerment. But it’s also home to content such as “how to make a DIY condom” or “tighten your vagina with ice.” Neither of those things works, in case you were curious.

It’s not always easy to determine what’s legit.

We spoke with experts to get their take on what’s behind the crowd-diagnosis phenomenon and how to sort fact from fiction when researching health topics online.

Why are people seeking crowd diagnoses?

It’s understandable why people might be motivated to look online for sexual health answers and diagnoses from strangers, said Ceara Corry, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., a sex educator, sex and relationship therapist, and owner of The Naked Truth in Raleigh, North Carolina.

“Adequate and supportive healthcare is not always accessible, especially for marginalized groups like people of color, queer and trans folks, or people with disabilities,” she said. “I’ve even experienced this personally.”

In 2016, Corry told her gynecologist she suspected she had polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). She had researched the condition online and had characteristic symptoms and a personal and family medical history that made her more susceptible.

Instead of taking her concerns seriously, the doctor minimized her symptoms and blamed them on her weight, Corry said. It took her nearly two years to receive a diagnosis. Research, including a 2019 review, indicates Corry’s experience is not an uncommon one.

The stigma around topics such as sexual health can make people feel embarrassed or ashamed to talk face-to-face with a professional, Corry noted, whereas online forums provide a shield of distance and anonymity.

Logistical hurdles such as cost and lack of transportation may also prevent some people from seeking in-person care, said Rosalyn Plotzker, M.D., M.P.H., an assistant professor in the University of California, San Francisco department of epidemiology and biostatistics.

“From the perspective of someone who is worried about an STI, asking something online can be easy, free and anonymous, and multiple replies could be used to get a ‘consensus.’ I can see the appeal,” Plotzker said. “The only problem is that the information isn’t necessarily reliable. There’s no opportunity for a physical exam or lab tests, and the responders are not accountable since there isn’t a provider-patient relationship. So there is a major risk for misinformation.”

That misinformation can lead to various harms, from ineffective treatments to unintended pregnancy and STI transmission, noted Sarah Melancon, Ph.D., a Fullerton, California-based sociologist and clinical psychologist at Sex Toy Collective. Study authors agreed, noting that misdiagnosis can have a ripple effect, impacting not just the poster, but millions of viewers who believe they may have a similar condition.

The ramifications can be substantial and potentially life-threatening.

“STI infections may worsen with the wrong treatment. For instance, untreated chlamydia can cause pelvic inflammatory disease,” she said. “Syphilis or HIV may progress to an advanced stage, which has greater negative effects and is harder to treat and in the long term can lead to death.”

As for why approximately 20 percent of the posts included in the study were seeking a second opinion, people might doubt a clinician’s capability or feel their provider didn’t listen or take them seriously. That’s according to experts such as Danae Maragouthakis, M.B.B.S., M.P.H., an emergency medical doctor in Oxford, England, and a co-founder and CEO of Yoxly, a provider of at-home STI and sperm testing kits.

They may also have felt embarrassed or anxious about revealing certain pertinent details and worried about the significance of omitting them. Receiving a diagnosis, particularly a serious one, can be devastating and some folks might seek solace in alternative answers, even those that are inaccurate.

“On one occasion, a patient had received an HIV diagnosis but turned to a crowd diagnosis to be convinced the doctor was wrong,” said John Ayers, Ph.D., one of the study’s co-authors and an epidemiologist and adjunct professor at the University of California, San Diego, in a statement. “People, when faced with life-altering information, often want to delude themselves and, in some cases, they are finding it on social media.”

5 tips for vetting advice about sexual health online

Experts stressed that while seeking health information online can be a gamble, it isn’t inherently a bad idea, especially because education and even self-diagnosis can be empowering.

Here are five strategies you can use to get the most out of the advice you find online.

1. Define your goals

First, determine what you’re hoping to gain from your search, Corry suggested.

Are you investigating whether a diagnosis matches your symptoms, or do you want to know how others with similar experiences have handled their situation? Both are valid but have different search criteria.

Being clear about what you’re seeking can help rule out unhelpful sources, she explained.

2. Check credentials

There are many ‘influencers’ who simply hold a certificate or bachelor’s degree in their area of focus, while others are just self-deemed ‘sexperts.’

“There’s nothing wrong with individuals who want to speak about sex on the web, but take their information with a big grain of salt,” Melancon said. “Certainly, not all M.D.s or Ph.D.s are going to agree on every topic—that is laughable, actually—but typically, their perspective will be supported by theory and data.”

If you’re not in the habit of reading the About Us sections on websites you visit, it’s time to start. These pages can provide valuable information such as who funds the site, where they’re getting their information and who’s fact-checking it (if anyone), Corry said.

If well-known, reputable organizations and people with nursing and medical degrees are involved, that’s a positive.

3. Take extra precautions with controversy

If a topic is controversial, don’t accept one perspective as truth, even from credentialed sources, Melancon said.

“Compare and contrast. Look at the content you think you won’t agree with to get a broader picture,” she added.

For example, if you’re uncomfortable with your pornography use, coming across the NoFap movement might seem like the answer, as it treats porn use and masturbation as addictions and leans heavily on self-control as treatment. However, research suggests it is ineffective.

“Participants experience strong negative emotions including shame, worthlessness and even suicidal ideation after ‘relapses,'” she added. “Is that the outcome you’re really wanting?”

Some principles and information are subject to debate within the medical community, Melancon pointed out. In that case, it isn’t a flaw but part of the scientific process. Examples include the potential safety risks of hormonal contraceptives or the effects of pornography on mental health.

4. Go directly to the source

When websites and content creators use terms like “research indicates” without citing their source, it’s a red flag. That said, experts pointed out that it’s important to note that not all research is equal.

“If you want to really geek out, dig deep,” Plotzker said. “If an article mentions a study, you can look up that study on Google Scholar and read the abstract. Some articles are also fully available online.”

When reading the abstract, experts recommend checking how many people were involved in the study and whether they represent your demographic. For example, information gleaned from a study conducted on 30 male-identifying people in their 20s may not directly translate to you if you are a postmenopausal woman.

5. Corroborate with expert sources

When in doubt, experts suggest corroborating information you find through influencers or other uncertain sources with more surefire resources, like the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) or Mayo Clinic. You can also message, email or call your local health clinic to ask if a specific piece of information is correct or whether a certain treatment is one they’re familiar with and condone.

Many of those clinics have nurse helplines and telehealth options that enable you to speak with a licensed provider without an in-person appointment.

“If you find something online that impacts your health directly, ask your healthcare provider about it if you can. There are ways to communicate with your provider through online patient platforms,” Plotzker said. “Or go in and have an old-fashioned, in-person discussion with someone who is a healthcare provider. You can show them the webpage on your phone—it’s a great way to confirm what you have read.”

The bottom line

The internet and social media are both a blessing and a curse, experts agreed. On one hand, the ability to connect, organize, disseminate information and promote causes, such as HIV prevention and family planning, is incredibly valuable.

“But it’s a double-sided coin. With all of the benefits, there is the equal and opposite aspect of misinformation, the perpetuation of fear and stigma, and resources available online that have not been vetted,” Plotzker said. “That can be very difficult to navigate.”

Ultimately, Plotzker recommended viewing the internet as a complement—don’t consider it a substitute—to traditional medical care as the best strategy.

“I do think patients understand their own bodies better than anyone else. If someone has had a condition in the past and then they have very similar symptoms again, it’s reasonable for them to think that history could be repeating itself,” Plotzker said.

All assumptions, though, have limitations.

“A physical exam and medical tests that can confirm a self-diagnosis are important as an objective way to know for sure what is happening, especially since it might be something else,” she noted. “And only then determine the best treatment course.”

Complete Article HERE!

Different Colours of Love

— A Comprehensive Guide to Understanding All LGBTQIA+ Terms

By Prakriti Bhat

As kids we’re always taught the world is black and white. There are men and women. Certain characteristics make men masculine and women feminine. There are no in-betweens.

It couldn’t be further from the truth.

Between these black-and-white boundaries lies a whole other colourful world. Men who love men, women who love women, men who love both men and women — the list goes on. While queer rights may have been taken lightly a few decades ago, there’s a lot more awareness around the LGBTQIA community today.

Even those who don’t fully understand the meaning of LGBTQIA+ or the fluidity of gender are willing to learn and educate themselves.

Influencer Tejshwar Sandhoo posing in rainbow coloured T-shirt

The LGBTQIA+ community encompasses diverse sexual orientations and gender identities, fostering a rich tapestry of love and individuality. As society progresses towards greater acceptance and inclusivity, it becomes essential to understand the various terms and orientations within the LGBTQIA+ spectrum.

Here’s everything you need to know about sexual orientations within the LGBTQIA+ community.

What Is The Full Form Of LGBTQIA+?

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LGBTQIA+ is an acronym built up from the following words:

L- Lesbian
G- Gay
B- Bisexual
T- Transgender
I- Intersex
A- Asexual
+ – Holds space for expanding and understanding different parts of the very diverse gender and sexual identities.

Now, let us delve into the meanings and nuances of different sexual orientations, shedding light on the beautiful diversity of love.

1. Lesbians

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Lesbians are women who are emotionally, romantically, or sexually attracted to other women. Lesbian individuals face unique challenges and experiences, from societal stigmatisation to the struggle for recognition and acceptance. Despite these obstacles, lesbian individuals have made significant contributions to art, culture, and activism, enriching the LGBTQIA+ community and inspiring others to embrace their authentic selves.

Films like Badhaai Do and Ek Ladki Ko Dekha Toh Aisa Laga are great examples of cinema depicting lesbian relationships truthfully.

2. Gay

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Gay relationships are those where men are emotionally, romantically, or sexually attracted to other men. This sexual orientation has been widely recognised and celebrated in pop culture and cinema in recent years. Gay individuals have played a pivotal role in shaping the fight for LGBTQIA+ rights, pushing for greater acceptance, and challenging societal norms. Their experiences, struggles, and triumphs serve as a testament to the strength and resilience of the LGBTQIA+ community.

Films like Aligarh, Kapoor & Sons, and Shubh Mangal Zyada Saavdhan are some of the best examples of Bollywood portraying gay relationships beautifully.

3. Bisexuals

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Bisexuality refers to individuals who are attracted to both their own gender and other genders. Bisexual individuals experience a spectrum of attractions, embracing the potential for emotional and romantic connections with people of various gender identities. Bisexuality challenges the traditional binary understanding of sexuality, recognising the fluidity and complexity of human desire.

They also face some unique challenges, such as biphobia and erasure, as their experiences often intersect with stereotypes and misconceptions. Understanding and embracing bisexuality is crucial in fostering a more inclusive and supportive environment for all members of the LGBTQIA+ community.

4. Transgender

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Just to be clear, transgender is a gender identity and has nothing to do with one’s sexual orientation. Transgender individuals do not identify with the gender assigned to them at birth. They may undergo gender-affirming processes, such as hormone therapy or gender confirmation surgery, to align their physical appearance with their gender identity.

They face significant challenges, including discrimination, lack of healthcare access, and societal misunderstanding. Their sexual orientation is as fluid as the rest of the queer community. They could be attracted to men, women or other trans people. Vani Kapoor played a trans character opposite Ayushmann Khurrana in Chandigarh Kare Aashiqui in one of the few honest portrayals of the trans community.

5. Queer

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Queer is an umbrella term that encompasses individuals who do not conform to traditional sexual orientations or gender identities. It serves as an inclusive label for those who feel their experiences fall outside the boundaries of heterosexual or cisgender identities. Queer individuals challenge societal norms and embrace their authentic selves, contributing to the diverse fabric of the LGBTQIA+ community.

6. Intersex

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Intersex is an umbrella term used to describe individuals who are born with biological sex characteristics that do not fit typical male or female categories. Intersex variations can manifest in various ways, such as chromosomal, hormonal or anatomical differences.

Intersex individuals have diverse experiences and identities and it is essential to respect their autonomy and self-identification. The intersex community advocates for recognition, medical human rights, and an end to unnecessary and non-consensual medical interventions.

7. Asexual

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Asexual individuals experience little to no sexual attraction towards others. Asexuality is a valid and natural orientation within the LGBTQIA+ spectrum, highlighting the wide range of human experiences and desires.

Asexual individuals may still form deep emotional connections, experience romantic attraction, and engage in fulfilling relationships without sexual components. Understanding and respecting asexuality is vital in creating an inclusive environment that values diverse forms of love and companionship.

Influencer Tejshwar Sandhoo posing in rainbow coloured T-shirt

It is crucial for us to continue educating ourselves and fostering inclusivity in order to create a world where everyone feels safe, supported, and celebrated for who they are. From understanding the meaning of LGBTQIA+ to delving into the intricacies of different sexual orientations and gender identities, it’s a constant learning process we need to be actively involved in.

The LGBTQIA+ community encompasses a beautiful tapestry of different sexual orientations and gender identities, each deserving of understanding, acceptance and respect.

Complete Article HERE!

Understanding the Transgender Portion of Our Population

— Trans people make up approximately 1–2% of the population, though this could change in the future.

By Soren Hodshire

Transgender people are more common than you might think. Being transgender is not a trend, and it’s not new. Trans people have existed throughout history and will continue to be an important part of our society.
>But depending on where you live, you might not meet many openly transgender individuals in your day-to-day life. So, let’s take a closer look at this vibrant community!

According to this 2022 report from UCLA’s School of Law Williams Institute, 1.6 million people ages 13 years and up identify as transgender in the United States. This means that approximately 1.4% of the U.S. population is transgender!

Some research also shows that this number is growing, as around 5% of young adults identify as transgender. They found that the community further breaks down as follows:

As far as the world population goes, the country’s statistics for the number of trans people can range anywhere from 0.6–3%. The highest numbers of trans people are reported in countries Germany and Sweden.

Why does it seem like there are more trans people nowadays?

When we see the growing representation of trans people in social and mainstream media, it’s important to remember that people will feel more comfortable living openly and freely when there’s a more supportive environment, more resources, and less criminalization for being themselves.

As societal support grows and discrimination decreases, it’s likely we’ll see the reported number of transgender people rise until its natural level is revealed. Far from being a sign of indoctrination, this is a sign of a healthy society that we’ve seen in other areas before.

One popular example of this has been coined the “Left Handed Argument.” In the past, left-handedness was treated as a “sin” and highly stigmatized within society. Those who were naturally left-handed were encouraged or forced to use their right hand dominantly. This discrimination often found its way into our language and religious beliefs as well.

When society no longer believed that being left-handed was the work of “the devil” and stopped training everyone at school to use their right hand in the mid-20th century, for many decades we saw the reported number of left-handed people grow.

Now in the 21st century, the reports have leveled off and we know that about 10% of the population is naturally left-handed. It’s likely that we’ll see similar patterns as we learn the natural level of the transgender population in an accepting society.

How common is it to detransistion?

According to this comprehensive study from LGBTQ HealthTrusted Source, 13.1% of currently identified transgender people have detransitioned at some point. However, 82.5% of those who have detransitioned list their reason for doing so as external factors such as pressure from family, non-affirming school environments, and increased vulnerability to violence (including sexual assault).

These statistics are confirmed by Fenway Health. Their participants reported the following reasons for detransitioning:

  • pressure from a parent (35.5%)
  • pressure from their community or societal stigma (32.5%)
  • trouble finding a job (26.8%)
  • fluctuations in their gender identity or desire (10.4%)
  • pressure from medical health professionals (5.6%)
  • pressure from religious leaders (5.3%)
  • doubts about their gender identity (2.4%)

So, it’s not entirely uncommon to detransition but there are many reasons why people might choose to do so, especially due to dangerous and unforgiving environments. This doesn’t necessarily mean that these people stop feeling gender dysphoria, but they aren’t in the right space to transition (socially, medically, or legally) at the time.

Continuing your education

You might be asking yourself, “But what does ‘trans’ really mean?” Or even, “Am I transgender?” This is a nuanced and complex topic, and it’s natural to have lots of questions. Here are some resources that can help you find answers:

Takeaway

Being transgender isn’t that uncommon anymore. 1.6 million people (1–2%) in the U.S. identify as transgender. Worldwide current numbers range between 0.6–3%. Reported numbers are proportionally higher in young people and may continue to grow in the years to come.

With more of the transgender population coming out, it’s pertinent that the medical care and social stigma in society should improve. This stigma hurts the physical and mental health of trans people and can lead to people detransitioning because of harsh and unsupportive environments.

There have been many anti-trans sentiments and bills in the U.S. lately, but many health professionals and child welfare organizations oppose the anti-LGBTQ bills, specifically those that target trans youth. This Pride Month, June 2023, it’s more important than ever to support and celebrate gender diversity in your life and all year long.

Complete Article HERE!

How Hannah Arendt’s Zionism Helped Create American Gay Identity

— The pioneering gay writer and editor Michael Denneny, who died on April 12, learned from his teacher Arendt that an individual can be free only as part of a free community

Arendt’s life had for so many years been lived for the Jewish people that she could not look on “them” as something separate from “herself.”’

by Blake Smith

Hannah Arendt left behind little in the way of an obvious institutional or intellectual legacy during her brief years at the University of Chicago’s Committee on Social Thought during the 1960s. The student who best understood her ideas—and the example of her life—as a summons to action in the world, was Michael Denneny, who died recently, shortly after the publication of a memoir-anthology, On Christopher Street. The book records how his teacher inspired him to abandon his Ph.D., follow her to New York, and found what would become America’s most important magazine for gay men—Christopher Street, along with its associated publishing line, Stonewall Inn Editions—in the late 1970s and 1980s, those pivotal years that saw first the emergence of a distinct gay male urban culture and then its near-annihilation from AIDS.

Arendt would not seem to be an obvious inspiration for a gay men’s magazine. Even if there is a certain chain-smoking archness in her 1964 interview for the German television show Zur Person, she is not among the straight women whom gay men single out for a typically ambivalent yet ardent brand of admiration, in what is usually a perverse sort of drag-performance-by-proxy. Arendt’s political philosophy, organized around claims about human nature supported by examples taken from ancient Athens (while engaged in a covert but insistent critique of her own former mentor, Martin Heidegger, who had awakened her to philosophy before covering himself with shame as a proud member of the Nazi Party), can seem both frustratingly distant from the historical present and icily indifferent to the problems of minorities. Denneny’s insight, however, is to have grasped how the apparently abstract universals of Arendt’s teaching grew out of her urgent engagement on behalf of the Jewish people in the 1930s and 40s.

Reading Arendt’s philosophical writing in light of her Zionist activism from that era, Denneny saw how central concepts of her later work made what can be easily dismissed as “lifestyle politics”—the publishing of magazines and novels; the demand for a space of cultural distinction—not a distraction from “real” politics, but an urgent task that makes politics, in Arendt’s special and widely misunderstood meaning, possible. Arendt, Denneny continually reminds readers in On Christopher Street, held that a person can be connected to humanity in general, to his own uniqueness, and indeed to the possibility of transforming himself, only insofar as he is a member of a free community—of a group that possesses the power to build and maintain what Arendt called a “world,” a domain in which members of a group can appear to each other, revealing, remaking, and remembering themselves.

Today, Arendt has many admirers in American academia, and a wide midwit readership that consults her writings for political and moral apothegems applicable to our ongoing crisis, whose origins they imagine as coming from the right and never from inside their own intellectual homes. Every university of any repute has on staff some left-liberal scholar who mistakenly sees in Arendt an ancestor of her own utterly conventional politics while doing her best to ignore the difficult, apparently reactionary positions Arendt took on everything from racial integration to immigration and the welfare state. If Arendt had been a man, she would have been, if not “cancelled,” then consigned by right-thinking scholars (and therefore cherished by right-wing cranks) among such other Teutonic anachronisms as Oswald Spenger and Eric Voegelin. Arendt is spared this fate at the price of being misunderstood.

Homosexuality is perhaps only a little less ancient than Adam and Eve, but, like Zionism, gay male life is a much more recent creation, one elaborated by activists who tried to transform themselves into something like a people.

She gets no better treatment from her centrist humanist admirers, who transform her into a defender of the warmed-over nineteenth-century liberalism that passes among them for “free thinking.” Her work—with its horror of cliché and mental conformity, its appreciation for the exchange of diverse perspectives, and its appeal to the fragile vitality of independent thought (its reminder, indeed, that these two words form a pleonasm) —is one of the fragments that hold-outs within the academy shore up against their ruin. To find a prestigious ally (a woman! a refugee!) in their resistance to the identitarian posturing that has become essential to elite self-performance, they make of Arendt a liberal individualist, an understanding to which Arendt would surely have responded with a Germanic feminine version of the genteel revulsion that Marshall McLuhan summons for the movie-goers in “Annie Hall.”

Arendt’s famous 1963 letter to Gershon Scholem, who had reproached his old friend in the aftermath of her reporting on the Eichmann trial for her apparent lack of love of the Jewish people, seems, but only seems, to confirm the cosmopolitan tote bag re-imagination of the philosopher. Her famous statement, “I have never in my life ‘loved’ any people or collective… I indeed love ‘only’ my friends,” seems to find Arendt a kindred spirit of those who wish to thwart our hastening spiral of mutually antagonizing collective narcissisms by insisting—in an apparently more humane version of Margaret Thatcher’s dictum—that there is no such thing as society, only individuals. But, as Arendt continued in her letter, if she could not “love” the Jewish people it was because “I cannot love myself.” Her response should be read not as a declaration of independence from the demands of the collective, but as a political equivalent of Cordelia’s speech to Lear.

Arendt did not remind Scholem that from 1933 to 1949 she had abandoned scholarship for Zionist activism, sometimes at personal risk, engaging in everything from the practical organizing of relief efforts to writing essays for German and English-language magazines like Aufbau and Menorah Journal—in which she called, with urgent anger sharper and hotter than any merely speakable “love,” for a Jewish army and a new Jewish self-consciousness. Arendt’s life had for so many years been lived for the Jewish people, she implied, that she could not look on “them” as something separate from “herself.” She was not proclaiming the sovereignty of the individual, but rather the non-existence of the latter in isolation from the group that provides its stage of action and frame of meaning—what Arendt called its “world.”

Arendt’s Zionism was as idiosyncratic—and to many, as frustratingly perplexing—as her view of a person’s constitutive mix of personal uniqueness and un-withdrawable membership in a human community into which we find ourselves thrown. She called for Jewish unity while acerbically critiquing every Jewish political institution, tradition and perspective, from Europe to the United States to Palestine—advocating an implausible post-war order in which a Jewish homeland would be secured as part of a vast post-Ottoman federation of nationalities extending from Europe to the Middle East.

Her disappointed hopes, her years of struggle alongside and against other activists, and, as she reminded Scholem, her sense of propriety—her inner alertness that to speak of such things would be an obscene self-sundering, bringing to light feelings that have their authentic life only in intimate darkness—perhaps explain why in her later reflections on politics, such as The Human Condition (1958)and On Revolution (1963), Arendt wrote as if she had not spent a decade and a half as a Jewish activist. Some would say, hardly as if she were a Jew. But the political experience she did not acknowledge having was specifically Jewish, and the path to the rediscovery of what she often called the hidden treasures of ancient Greek thought went directly through Zionism.

Indeed, many of the claims Arendt makes in her work after the 1940s should be understood as translations into universalistic terms of lessons she derived from her reflections on the world-historical emergency of European Jewry. What she described in later years as the problems of modernity—the end of authoritative traditions for orienting moral and political thought and action, the dangerous seductions of Marxism and ethno-nationalist fascism, and the stupidity of self-satisfied liberal elites unable to recognize these desperate conditions—were a cosmopolitanized version of the story she had told in her Zionist writings about, and to, Jews. She saw the latter as unable to return to traditional religion (cut off from it forever by the failure of Sabbatai Zevi’s messianism and the transformations of the Jewish Enlightenment and Reform movement) and faced with the task—from which Communism and Revisionist Zionism threatened to divert it—of building a specifically secular Jewish “world” anchored by, although by no means taking place only in, its historic homeland.

So what about Arendt’s vision appealed to Michael Denneny, a young man from a working-class Irish Catholic background? In part, simply the brilliance of the teacher. As a friend of his told me after his death, Denneny had met Arendt while working as a busboy in the faculty dining room. He would talk with her as he cleaned tables; gradually, she began timing her meals to coincide with his shifts. Arendt convinced Denneny, then an undergraduate with dreams of serving in the newly founded Peace Corps, to stay on at the university for doctoral study under her supervision. When she left Chicago in 1967 for the New School in New York, he followed her, continuing to sit in on her seminars even as he left academia for publishing.

In an essay written during these years about her own teacher, “Martin Heidegger at Eighty,” Arendt recalled that he had made her believe that “thinking can be learned.” That is—and rather contrary to the solitary vision of thinking Heidegger provides in much of his written work—thinking, however much it happens only within an isolated person, is a relation between people. Arendt, too, taught thinking; and, in a manner surpassing her teacher, taught how thinking is an uncanniness that connects and recombines us.

Michael Denneny
Michael Denneny

Arendt taught thinking—and she taught that thinking requires what she called a “world.” Just as the student needs a teacher, the thinker, in order to think at all, needs a community whose members she can address and argue with. It is not a question, of course, of creating a community out of thin air, or of taking an abstract, universal humanity as one’s audience. Rather the task, which is explicit in Arendt’s Zionist writing but only implicit in her later work, is one of more fully and expansively elaborating the world we already share with those with whom we are by virtue of historical circumstance, but perhaps not yet by virtue of our own conscious concern, in community.

Denneny saw Christopher Street magazine, which he helped found in 1976, and its associated publishing line Stonewall Inn Editions at St. Martin’s Press, as instruments for building a gay male world. In Arendt’s theory, a world is sustained by, and maintains the possibility of the exchange of, different perspectives on what interlocutors understand as being—albeit in a not yet fully agreed-upon way—the same object. In her later work, this is usually presented as a problem of “judgment” in which people have diverse points of view about some third thing—whether they are making aesthetic judgments about, say, a painting, or ethical judgments about an action. But in the case that most compelled her early thought, as in the case that preoccupied Denneny, the “object” at stake was the supposedly common identity that did not quite unite those who debated its meaning.

For it was not at all obvious how different sorts of Jewish people from across the globe constituted a single Jewish “world” as a stage for debate about so-called Jewish politics. Indeed, Arendt in her Zionist writing insisted that this world and this politics would have to be created through exchanges of judgments, and through appeals to a community that as yet existed more in the eyes of its enemies than in the hearts of potential future members.

Homosexuality is perhaps only a little less ancient than Adam and Eve, but, like Zionism, gay male life is a much more recent creation, one elaborated by activists who tried to transform themselves into something like a people. In its cultural politics of building a gay male world, Christopher Street featured poetry and short stories, helping launch the careers of the major gay writers of the late 20th century, such as Edmund White, Andrew Holleran, and Larry Kramer. It also ran many essays that contributed to an emerging awareness that there was a gay male canon in American letters, running from Walt Whitman and Hart Crane to John Ashbery and James Merrill.

Christopher Street was by no means the only venue for the construction of a gay world, but Denneny and his colleagues were perhaps the sharpest-minded defenders of its specificity—their demand that it be a world for gay men. In a debate that has now been largely forgotten, but which dominated gay intellectual life in the 1970s, Denneny’s Arendtian perspective, with its debts to Zionism, was ranged against a vision of politics in which gay men were to be a kind of shock force for a broader sexual-cum-socialist revolution.

Christopher Street’s main rival for the minds of gay male intellectual readers was the Boston-based Fag Rag, a self-proclaimed “radical” left newspaper. Fag Rag’s writership did not see gay men as a distinct group that needed to build a world of their own. Rather, it saw them as one of a number of oppressed groups with a common interest in overthrowing heterosexual, patriarchal, white, Christian, etc., power. Its pages gave equal space to women and men (Christopher Street, after a few experimental power-sharing issues with lesbians, booted them from the magazine). It featured gay men who made feminist-inspired critiques of masculinity, pornography, and leather, while promoting a supposedly sex-positive, gender-bending neo-paganism. They were the eunuch vanguard of the post-male alphabet soup left.

In the years before the AIDS crisis (1976-1981) Christopher Street did not have an obvious line on “sexual liberation” countering that of Fag Rag. While some of its articles cheekily investigated the history of gloryholes where anonymous oral sex was on offer, many others lamented what was already seen by many gay intellectuals as the excessive hedonism of the era immediately before AIDS. One March 1980 essay critiqued the “Tyranny of the Penis”—a title that could have been taken from an issue of Fag Rag. But promiscuity tended to be seen as problematic because it might undermine the possibility of forming stable couples among gay men, rather than because it epitomized the patriarchal power of the phallus (Christopher Street’s contributors did not evince any great opposition to the latter). They tended to be sympathetic observers or active participants in the shift over the course of the late 70s towards a more masculine gay male style of dress and comportment, featuring denim, cowboy boots, and other items of masculine accessorizing.

The lack of agreement, however, was the point—Christopher Street was meant to be a space in which gay men could disagree with each other about what gay men should do (what they should wear, read, and suck), and even about what it meant to be a gay man, provided they agreed that there are, and should be, gay men. Christopher Street did grant occasional room for feminist perspectives, from an interview with Gloria Steinem to a short story by Andrea Dworkin, and to representatives of the Marxist left like Jean-Paul Sartre. But these were presented as glimpses on something of potential interest to an imagined gay community, not as voices that must be, as we say today, “centered”—as a moral-political teaching to which gay men should conform.

Michel Foucault—whose thinking in his last years was deeply informed by his encounter with the emerging American gay culture presented in its pages (and thus, in a strange roundabout way, to Hannah Arendt)—explained in an interview with Christopher Street that he was excited to see that gay men were, thanks to its efforts, at last able to imagine themselves as political agents in their own right without recourse to feminism, Marxism, and other rhetorics of the left. Foucault had perhaps read Denneny’s 1981 “manifesto,” published in Christopher Street, consisting of sixteen “propositions” for gay politics. The central proposition, number eight, began with a quote from Arendt, in which she claimed that “a man can live as a man,” that is as an individual (although perhaps with a special unintended resonance in its new context as a call for gay male specificity), only “within the framework of a people.” The word “framework” is deliberate and significant. “A people” is something made—to be sure, out of existing materials. Culture—the exchange of perspectives in philosophy, fiction, criticism—creates the framework within which we can act together. Denneny concludes, “a gay culture is a political necessity for our survival.” The point of gay politics, Denneny insisted, was not to make gay men’s discontent a kind of lever for the overthrow of our regime, but to build “power” so that gay men could invent forms of life together, creating the cultural resources by which they could pursue their necessarily mutual happiness.

Many readers took issue with Denneny’s propositions, and particularly with his ninth, which rejected the Fag Rag line that gay politics was just one iteration of a broader “social question.” In a response to discontented readers’ letters, charging Denneny of decoupling gay liberation from its alliance with the left, he answered that “genuflecting before the icon of socialism,” as he, in passing, charged his long-time collaborator Ed White of doing, “is an act of cultural piety, not political insight… a very weak basis on which to build a new politics.” (When I emailed White to ask about Denneny and his Arendtian view of politics, White replied tersely that he had never known Denneny to speak of her—a statement that contrasts with the memories of others in their circle).

The first issue of Christopher Street Magazine, 1976
The first issue of Christopher Street Magazine, 1976

Denneny countered that a “radical gay politics” was one reflecting and contributing to the creation of the forms of gay male life that were developing in the present—“not to the century-old theoretical tradition of the left, which strikes me as intellectually conservative, even old-fashioned.” That tradition subsumed supposedly local and contingent struggles in an over-arching agenda intended to bring about a new social order. It had a place for gay men qua gay men (or for Jews qua Jews, women qua women, etc.) only to the extent that their social movements could be interpreted as vehicles for progress towards a universal egalitarian horizon in which antagonisms would, at last, be dissolved.

Although many activists and academics try to prove the contrary, the left’s grand horizons have have often disappointed gay men. For much of the twentieth century, their primary manifestation was Marxism, which saw male homosexuality either as a revolting bourgeois (even fascist) practice—or as one of the many sites for political combat to be redirected towards the Revolution. Gay men who desired the freedom to create a specifically gay male culture were at best nuisances and at worst enemies.

The New Left of the 60s and 70s was only apparently more open to sexual minorities. If it promoted “sexual liberation,” it was in order to use gay men as a battering ram against traditional morality—not least masculinity. That gay men remain men—that their stubborn inassimilable particularity consists in nothing less than their attachment to masculinity, even if it might strike Judith Butler as ‘parodic’—made them permanently suspect allies of the post-Marxist cultural left that saw men (white men anyhow) as the oppressor class. Attachment to masculinity, however much attenuated today, makes gays equally unreliable members of the coalition of supposedly marginalized groups imagined to constitute the “progressive” or “woke” left, or whatever it is one might call the current ruling ideology of the Democratic Party and its associated elites in corporate life, media and academia.

Arendt was a critical reference point not only for Denneny but a number of other contributors to Christopher Street, who often compared the gay male experience in the 1970s with the historical experience of Jews in Europe and the United States. Some of the appeal of such parallels, doubtless, was that so many writers and subscribers were New Yorkers, whether Jewish or not, who were living in a milieu where debates about Jewish identity, culture and politics were commonplace. Moreover Jews—like gays and unlike most women, black people, prisoners or the other oppressed groups whose troubles were given much place in Fag Rag—had to think about their relationship to the non-Jewish world with some connection to the problem of “passing,” of having it within their power, to an extent that was always uncertain, shifting, and never total, to hide or reveal their “identity.”

It was no accident that the existentialist philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre had made Jewishness (in the 1944 essay “Antisemite and Jew”) and homosexuality (in his 1952 book Saint Genet) special topics of analysis; they illustrate, with particular clarity, what he understood as the complex union of determination and freedom that makes up every human life. We are born with certain traits, and involuntarily acquire others in the course of living. We are said by others to be such-and-such kinds of people on the basis of these traits, and are treated accordingly. Thrust by our bodies, desires, environments, families, cultures into roles, we are free within them, to a degree we can perhaps never rightly know, to act them out in various ways, including, sometimes, to deny them and “pass” as something else.

If Arendt had been a man, she would have been, if not ‘cancelled,’ then consigned by right-thinking scholars among such other Teutonic anachronisms as Oswald Spenger and Eric Voegelin.

Gay men and Jews—that is, those homosexuals who choose to live a distinctly modern “gay” life and those Jews who, with whatever relation they bear towards their religious traditions, live in a secular society—have seemed at times to instantiate the problem all modern people face of having to invent a life for themselves out of materials we have not chosen, to wrest, in some measure, autobiography out of biography. For the contributors of Christopher Street, Arendt’s ideas could be a call to resoluteness in addressing this challenge—or the grounds for a condemnation of what seemed to be the sterility of gay and Jewish life in America.

In a 1981 essay, “The New York GayCult, the Jewish Question… and Me,” journalist Neil Alan Marks used Arendt’s writing on political theory and Zionism to critique the “bourgeois” gay male scene that had emerged in New York, San Francisco and, to varying intensities, other major American cities. Gay and Jews in the United States, he argued, were still at the level of what Arendt had described as the “parvenu” Jews of pre-war Western Europe. These parvenus were often more “European” in taste and consciousness than the gentile elites they thought they were imitating. But, as Arendt saw it, they lacked both religious and political virtues. They had lost the faith of their ancestors but had not become true secular elites; they merely play-acted as wealthy Frenchmen, Germans, etc., and as beneficent leaders of charity organizations that cared for their ostensibly less fortunate brethren in the same manner that animal-rights activists care for animals: as ignorant recipients of benevolence.

Instead of building a modern, secular, Jewish world, Arendt implied, parvenu elites kept playing to a gentile audience that regarded them with condescension or hatred. Their charity to poor and foreign Jews was not an attempt to create a world in common with them by recognizing them as both an audience and actors on Judaism’s stage. It was because they were alienated from the very possibility of, or desire for, such a world, that parvenu Jewish leaders were so unable to respond to the steadily worsening challenge of antisemitism in the late 19th and early 20th century.

Marks drew parallels between what he saw as the American Jewish parvenu experience and that of the emerging gay culture. American Jews with a “traditional humanist middle-class” sensibility hoped they, or at any rate their children, could succeed at “making it”—that combination of economic success and social climbing—“without taking advantage of anyone along the way.” Likewise, gays had hoped for a kind of “sexual liberation” that would free them from legal repression and moral stigma while also giving freer rein to the “universal desire to be sexually exploiting and exploited.” Both groups wielded progressive slogans appealing to the possibility of a gentler, less discriminatory America, while organizing their personal lives around competition for status—which is indeed another name for the American dream.

Denneny’s account in On Christopher Street, understandably but regrettably, writes out voices of despair likes Marks’, which reveal how, even on the verge of the AIDS crisis, some who shared his intellectual debts to Arendt saw a much bleaker picture than he did. Denneny likewise wrote out of his story how Charles Ortleb, for many years Christopher Street’s editor-in-chief, drew on Arendt in a hyper-ventilating 1979 essay that treated the release of William Friedkin’s film Cruising, set in the gay S&M subculture, as a prelude to anti-gay hatred that could culminate in something like the Holocaust. In a grim irony, as AIDS devastated the world of Christopher Street in the following years, Ortleb frequently denied, in print, any connection between the disease and sex, making himself responsible for innumerable deaths (having survived the crisis, Ortleb now devotes himself to COVID denialism—battling in both struggles the same foe, Dr. Fauci).

Invoking the ideas of Arendt—and using them to build a shared world in which ideas can be exchanged among members of a group to enlarge their inseparably collective and individual freedom—offers no guarantees of decent outcomes, anymore than it did for Arendt herself, whose campaign for a particular, perhaps impossible, kind of Zionism linked to a peaceful, federal solution in Palestine, ended in a failure on which she rarely reflected in public. But Arendt’s legacy still challenges us, as she put it in The Human Condition, to consider “that the innermost meaning of the acted deed and the spoken word is independent of victory and defeat and must remain untouched by any eventual outcome, by their consequences for better or worse… action can be judged only by the criterion of greatness.” In this breathtaking departure from all conventional standards, in her declaring the building of a world for magnificent action and thoughts to be as much beyond good and evil as it is beyond prudent and foolish, Arendt shows herself to be, no less than Foucault and more than her despisers like Costin Alamariu, a radical heir to Nietzsche whom we have only begun to understand.

Denneny’s 1979 essay, “The Privilege of Ourselves: Hannah Arendt on Judgment,” is the only scholarly paper in which he addresses the work of his mentor. It begins where Arendt ended, with the opening sentence: “After Hannah Arendt’s death in December 1975, friends found in her typewriter the title page, with two epigrams, of her projected work on Judging.” It then brilliantly retraces the problem of judgment throughout Arendt’s work, showing how the thread linking her otherwise confounding redefinitions of terms like “world” and “politics” is the exchange of different perspectives on a common object or problem, within a community of interlocutors whose points of view vary but who remain committed to communication and to the sense that what they are disagreeing about is in some not-yet-defined way the same thing.

For the next four decades, Denneny pursued what he called, in an email to me, “Arendtian praxis, putting many of her ideas into practice in a concrete way” by building a world of gay letters in which the pursuit of individual excellence within a community of competitors, admirers, peers and fellow strivers was directed towards an open-ended freedom to invent new forms of life. When I emailed him earlier this spring, for an essay on their relationship that has suddenly become an obituary, he was reading again through her complete works. A few days before his death, he told me that he had not read his 1979 essay since it had been published, and, looking back over it, in what he did not know were some of his last hours, he was relieved to find that he and Arendt had been struggling with the same problems. To continue that struggle is to continue their world.

Complete Article HERE!

A science of sexuality is still possible

— But not in the traditional sense

By

Human sexuality has long been a subject of fascination and curiosity in the scientific community. Researchers from different fields have sought to understand why we are attracted to certain people and how our sexual orientation develops.

From Sigmund Freud to Judith Butler, the road to a science of sexuality is a fascinating history of ambition and culture wars, error and scientific breakthrough.

My recent research continues the quest to make a science out of sexuality. Two opposing schools of thought currently divide the field: psychoanalysis and queer theory.

Psychoanalysts believe desire follows specific laws and follows predictable patterns, while queer theorists argue that laws have exceptions and advocate for a more creative view of sexuality.

My research proposes an information theory of desire that straddles the line these two groups by arguing we should consider the object of our desire as information.

Psychoanalysis can help us understand how this particular kind of information is stored, while queer theory can help us understand how this information is organized and re-organized internally.

Birth of psychoanalysis

Sigmund Freud, originally trained as a physician, believed in the scientific basis of sexuality. He was the first to regard sex as the subject of a serious discussion. Starting in 1902, colleagues gathered every Wednesday in his apartment to discuss the psychoanalytic practice he established.

Debates about how to study sexuality soon divided Freud’s circle of colleagues. In 1911, Alfred Adler broke away and turned psychoanalysis into social and cultural studies. Two years later, Carl Jung broke away and turned toward philosophical and existential questions.

A black-and-white photo of a man with a white beard, round black glasses and a hat.
Psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud at his home in London in June 1938.

At the time, Lou Andreas-Salomé, the first female psychoanalyst, did not believe either separation threatened the scientific status of psychoanalysis:

“The source of its vitality does not lie in any hazy mixture of science and sectarianism, but in having adopted as a fundamental principle that which is the highest principle of all scientific activity. I mean honesty.”

Though Freud retained Andreas-Salomé’s loyalty until the end, he didn’t share her optimism about the uniting power of honesty and thought divisions at the heart of his movement would delegitimize it.

North American psychology

The quest to turn sexuality into a credible science survived Freud, especially in North America. Clinically trained psychologists in the post-Second World War era borrowed Freudian theories and employed traditional scientific methods to empirically test them.

Dismissing Freud’s exclusive interest in individual case studies, American and Canadian psychologists aimed to understand populations more widely. However, this shift led to seeing homosexuals as a separate social group, which ultimately gave rise to homophobia and conversion therapy.

In the United Kingdom, Freud’s daughter Anna promoted curing homosexuality even though her father had denounced similar practices.

In France, psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan urged his colleagues to return to Freud’s methods. Consumer culture silenced similar voices in North America.

Psychotherapy lost its scientific motto — the pursuit of truth — and became a matter of pursuing happiness. Keenly aware how the big screen dumbed down Freud’s psychology, Marilyn Monroe — a serious reader of psychoanalysis — turned down starring in a movie about him out of respect.

Sexuality nowadays

By the time Canada decriminalized homosexuality in 1969 — and the American Psychological Association unclassified it as a mental disorder four years later — sexuality studies had shied away from its psychological origins.

But biological explanations prevailed. Scientists wondered whether homosexuality ran in the family and hypothesized the existence of a gay gene and its relationship to natural selection.

Despite the politically correct turn away from “why gay?” to “how gay?” in post–1970s clinical research, and the anti-psychological turn in feminism known as the Freud Wars of the 1980s, the prospect of a science of sexuality almost vanished until queer theorists made its case again in the 1990s.

Queer theory rejected fixed collective identities and re-emphasized individual case studies the same way Freud had. Instead, queer theorists viewed sexuality as something more dynamic.

A middle-aged individual in a black blazer and dress shirt smiles while holding a large hardcover book.
Philosopher and gender studies theorist Judith Butler smiles after receiving the Theodor W. Adorno award in Frankfurt, Germany, in September 2012.

Queer theorists like Judith Butler emphasized the relationship between internal and external life. They highlighted how drag artists disrupt the way we assign gender on a daily basis.

This disconnect between what we see and the meaning we give it is a chance for sexuality to break with habit and become unpredictable.

The challenge of our current moment

Nowadays, many regard sexuality as too complicated or too subjective to become a science. Freud’s theories are often dismissed as pseudoscience.

But this outlook is dangerous to the pursuit of science. According to Elizabeth Young–Bruehl, a queer psychoanalyst who practised in Toronto until her death in 2009, we have abandoned Freud’s depth psychology and his theory of the unconscious and promoted instead superficial psychological theories.

Homophobia and caricatures of psychoanalysis originated with our relationship to science, not Freud’s. Though he was keen on establishing a science of sexuality, he regarded that science as historical rather than experimental.

Historical sciences aim to reconstruct past events and favour the uniqueness of detail and individual cases. Experimental sciences, on the other hand, are concerned with the future and whether an event will repeat itself.

Information theory of desire

Why do individuals come out as gay or bisexual at a particular point in their lives, but not earlier? Why do some first same-sex experiences shape a queer identity while others do not?

An information theory of desire might offer insights into these questions. When queer people talk about the defining moment when they came out to themselves, it can be useful to think of self-acceptance as a kind of computing command — an input that demands a radical re-organization of someone’s information network or identity.

Life events become inputs, and sexual orientations and gender identities become information networks. Certain same-sex experiences may only result in partial changes to the information network, while others may lead to the complete re-configuring of someone’s identity.

What can we discover with a science of sexuality? Freud’s loyal friend Andreas-Salomé was right to regard honesty as the highest principle of any scientific activity. Without it, we would be dealing with incorrect inputs or information networks viewed upside down.

Pride Month is not just a celebration of sexuality — it’s also a celebration of science.

Complete Article HERE!

Emily Morse Wants You to Think Seriously About an Open Relationship

By David Marchese

For nearly 20 years, Emily Morse has been publicly talking with people about sex. She has done it in intimate, small-group conversations with friends; she has done it on radio and TV and social media; and the sex therapist has done it, most prominently, on her popular “Sex With Emily” podcast. A lot of what she has talked about over the years hasn’t changed: People want to discuss why they’re not having orgasms or their insecurities about penis size or their changing libido. But lately she has noticed something different: There’s a growing desire for more information about open sexual relationships. Indeed, Morse was already late in submitting a draft to her publisher of her new book, “Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure,” when she decided that she needed to add a section on nonmonogamy because she kept being asked about it. “People are realizing,” says Morse, who is 53, “that monogamy isn’t a one-size-fits-all model.”

Why do you think so many people are curious about nonmonogamy these days? People are in therapy more, taking care of themselves and thinking more deeply about their relationships. Now that’s part of the conversation; therapy is no longer stigmatized. That has been a big switch, and when couples get into their feelings and emotional intelligence, they’re realizing: We can love each other and be together, and we can create a relationship on our own terms that works for us. If you are in a long-term committed relationship, it can be exciting to experience sex in a new way that is equitable, consensual and pleasurable but doesn’t take away from the union of marriage.

A term I hear a lot now is “ethical nonmonogamy.”1

1
Broadly, it’s the practice of being romantically or sexually involved with multiple people who are all aware of and give consent to the arrangement.

My sense is that some couples experiment with that because one-half of a relationship feels that things have to open up or the relationship isn’t going to last. But in a situation like that, how ethical is the ethical nonmonogamy? That’s coercion. That’s manipulation. If you say to your partner, “We have to open up, or I’m leaving you” — I don’t feel great about the future of those couples. I can say that there usually is one partner who starts the nonmonogamy conversation. They might say, “I’ve been thinking about it, and our friends are doing it, and what would you think about being open?” They’ll talk about what it might look like and how they would navigate and negotiate it. But if one partner is like, “We should open up,” and the other is like, “I’m shut down to that; it doesn’t work for me,” and then the partner brings it up again and again and the answer is still “No,” then it won’t work. For a majority of people, their first thought is, I never want to hear about my partner having sex with somebody else; that is my biggest nightmare. That’s where most people are. So for nonmonogamy to work, you need to be self-aware and have self-knowledge about your sexual desires and do some work. Maybe we’ll talk to our friends who we know are into it. Maybe we’ll listen to a podcast about it. Maybe we’ll go to therapy. Maybe we’ll take baby steps and go to a play party.2

2
A party where people are free to engage in public sex or kinky behaviors.

But to do it to spice up your relationship is not the reason to do it. Do it because you’re open and curious and understand that your desire for pleasure extends beyond your relationship.

In the book, you say nonmonogamy is not a way to fix a relationship. Why not? The people in successful ethical nonmonogamous relationships have a very healthy relationship to their own sex life and their own intimacy, their own desires. People who are like, Yeah, let’s go find someone else to have sex with, to spice it up — usually those couples don’t have a deeper understanding of their own sex life and what they want from a partner. Another version of that is, “Let’s have a baby!” These drastic things that people do to make their relationship more interesting or to distract themselves from problems usually don’t work. Couples who are successful have rigorous honesty and a deeper knowledge of their own sexual wants and desires.

Emily Morse hosting Gwyneth Paltrow on her “Sex With Emily” podcast in 2021.

What about couples who stay together because their sex life is great but the rest of their relationship is bad? People who have great sex but they can’t stand each other? I think that’s rare. If they’re not connected in other areas and the sex is what’s carrying them, I would want to sit with that couple and find out more. Maybe the relationship is better than they think. But listen, people get to decide what works for them. To me, the most satisfying pleasurable sex is when you have trust and depth and openness and intimacy and communication. If you loathe your partner outside the bedroom? I don’t want to yuck anyone’s yum; I’m sure that situation exists, but I don’t hear about it often.

It’s funny to hear you say you don’t want to yuck anyone’s yum, because in my life — If that’s you, David, in your relationship, that’s awesome! I’m so glad for you and your partner.

No, no. What I was going to say was that I use that phrase with my kids. One will say to the other, “Why are you eating that Jell-O?” or whatever, and I’ll say, “Don’t yuck their yum.” It’s a very different context! Well, that’s a big sex thing, too: You never want to yuck your partner’s yum. This is what comes up with fantasies and arousal and desire. If your partner tells you they want to use a sex toy, and you’re like, “Ew,” it’s hard to recover from that. So don’t yuck the yum if you don’t like Jell-O and if you don’t like anal sex.

You said a second ago that the best sex is about communication and depth and so on, which goes along with ideas in your book about what you call the five pillars of sex IQ,3

3
Which are embodiment (meaning awareness of your self in your own body), health, collaboration (relating to and working with your sexual partners), self-knowledge and self-acceptance.

which are basically all things that also go into being a balanced, healthy person. Obviously sex ties into one’s overall sense of self and well-being, but is there any way in which making it as central as you do also makes it more daunting? Or sets people up for disappointment? Because maybe sometimes sex is just OK, or sometimes it’s disappointing, or sometimes it’s great. Does it always have to be a referendum on one’s holistic well-being? I want people to think deeply about sex, to prioritize sex, to be intentional about sex and to think about it differently than just, I’m going to close my eyes in the dark and hope it works out. The problem is that most people compartmentalize sex. It’s shrouded in mystery. Since it’s so mysterious, people don’t want to talk about it, and they don’t have a lot of information there’s a lot of misinformation. People are surprised every day to learn that maybe they can’t get an erection because they haven’t been working out or because of the food they’re eating. We don’t want to talk about sex unless we get a quick fix. For many years, I was like: Here’s the vibrator! Here’s the sex position! Here’s a quick-fix tip! Tips are great, but because sex becomes such a problem in relationships, I want to give people the tools to say: “I wonder if it’s a problem because I haven’t communicated with my partner lately. Maybe that’s how I can have better sex tonight.” So understanding all the elements to it might help you have more satisfaction. Once people realize this is foundational work that’s going to help you for a lifetime, once it becomes more integrated, it’ll help everybody have more freeing, satisfying sex

What are examples of misinformation about sex? That the most pleasure comes from penetration; that men want sex more than women; that men don’t fake orgasms; that desire stays the same in long-term relationships; if there isn’t desire, it means your relationship should end; that if you don’t have penetrative sex, you’re not really having sex. There’s so many of them, and every day I get hundreds of questions from people who you would think would know better. I have friends who have three children, educated, who are like, “Is the g-spot thing real?”

Can I ask about the ring you’re wearing?

4
It was quite a large ring.

I realize it looks like a vulva.

It does. It’s a vintage ring. At the time I got it, I literally didn’t realize what it looked like until the next day. [Laughs.] But now it’s my magic vulva ring!

What’s the most far-out thing that everyone should be doing? And I don’t mean far-out as in kinkiest. I mean what’s the thing that people are prudish about but need to get over? I think it’s important to masturbate. Solo sex is a great way to understand your body, what feels good. Healthy masturbation is good for people of all ages, in and out of relationships — when you are intentional about it and it makes you feel good, not bad. You don’t want to have shame after. You want to be accepting of your body, feel more in touch with yourself, feel your sexual energy. You can start to understand what turns you on. You know and accept your genitals for how they are today, and you do it without consequences.

Emily Morse at the Macworld exposition in San Francisco in 2007.

On the subject of masturbation: In the book you write about this technique of “Meditate, masturbate” — remind me of the third one? Manifest.

Right. So the idea is that I’m supposed to meditate. Then once I’m in the right head space, I can start masturbating. And at the moment of climax, if I think about the thing I want to happen in my life — “I hope I get that raise!” — then it’s more likely to happen? Yeah. I mean, manifestation is the science behind the law of attraction and all the things you think about when you are in a heightened state. So when you’re meditating, which, I don’t know if you meditate.

I do two out of the three M’s. Two out of three! You’re good! So you meditate for a few minutes, you get in the zone, then you masturbate, and at the height of orgasm, when your sexual energy is at a peak level and you’re at a clear state to transmute whatever you believe into the universe — it’s very potent, clear energy at that moment to think about and feel what it is that you want. It could be about a raise. It could be about a better day. I feel like this is so woo. I’m from California! [Laughs.] But at that moment of your orgasm, if in that moment you can feel what you want, picture it, it has powerful resonance.

But that’s magic. Magic is not real. [Expletive.] I know. I wish I could explain this better to you, the science behind it, but a lot of people have had a lot of success with this feeling. I just think that meditate, masturbate, manifest is basically a way of using your creative energy to fuel your intentions in the moment of pleasure.

What are you working on in your sex life right now? I’m always working on my sex. Research is me-search, as I say. I’m working on staying connected. I love to slow down sex and take time to experience one-way touch.

5
Which in this context means when only one of the partners is offering touch without the expectation that the other will reciprocate.

So having a night where it’s more about giving and receiving. Expanding connection and understanding what feels good is something I’m always working on.

Just to go back to the five pillars of sex IQ: It seems self-evident that if you get healthier, become more self-aware, collaborate more honestly and openly, and if you’re more comfortable in your own body and you accept yourself, you’re more likely to have better sex. So what is your unique insight there? That’s a great question, because, yeah, those are the five pillars for a better life. But if you have a better sex life, you have a better life. So my thing is that you need to take a more holistic approach to your sex life. People don’t realize that all of those things matter. I don’t think these are so groundbreaking. It’s more applying them to sex on a daily basis. What I’m hearing you say is, Don’t people know this? They don’t.

You’re a doctor of human sexuality. I don’t mean this in a glib way at all, but what is that? So, 20 years ago when I was starting this career — and I know the school isn’t there anymore. It’s a whole thing. But I’m fully open about this. I wanted to go back to school and get a degree in human sexuality. In 2003 when I started looking, there weren’t really many places to go, and I wanted to learn more about sex and education. One school was in San Francisco, called the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality.6

6
The institute operated from the mid-1970s to 2018. In 2017, California’s Bureau for Private Postsecondary Education denied its renewal application to continue operating educational programs. In its decision, the bureau did note that the institute’s faculty and graduates “have produced a well-respected body of research and scholarship.”

A few people I admired highly recommended this school to me. So I did that for three years: an intensive program of learning everything about human sexuality and writing papers and reading everything about sex. That’s where everyone at the time in this space was going to school. Now I think there are other programs. There are some places popping up that I think are a bit better, but not a ton. It’s kind of a newer path.

My understanding is that the school didn’t meet California’s standards for private higher education. I know. This is my nightmare. But you can write about this if you want. Here’s the thing: It was run for like 40, 50 years, but it didn’t meet the criteria to be accredited, which is not fun. I haven’t really been following it. But then I went and got other degrees — in somatic sex therapy, and I’ve taken other things.

Do you think people assume that you’re a medical doctor? I hope not. I always make it clear. I don’t want people to think I’m a medical doctor. Then people think I’m a Ph.D. — not at all. I think after 20 years I’ve been doing this, people know that I’m not a medical doctor. I know putting “Dr. Emily” in the book might have been misleading, but I do say that I’m a doctor of human sexuality, which I understand might not be as well known.

I was interested in your ideas in the book about “core desires”

7
The term came to Morse from the sex educators Celeste Hirschman and Danielle Harel. She defines it as “the specific feeling you want to experience during sex.” That could be feelings like power or humiliation, not merely arousal.

and how they shape our sexuality. Do you mind if I ask what your core desire is? I think to be nurtured, to be seen — loved, cared for, nourished and sometimes ravished. Twenty years ago, I was nervous around sex, disassociated. I was much more in my head and much more about my partner’s pleasure, and if they got off, that meant it was a success and a good time. I knew nothing about my body, my clitoris. I’m a totally different person. Growing up, maybe I wasn’t in an environment — divorced parents and life was hectic. I don’t think I felt as nurtured as I needed to feel. People have really intense core desires. I want to give permission to people to find out what they need, release any shame around it, express it to your partner and then see how that goes. Hopefully it goes well.

What’s the wisest thing someone ever said to you about sex? David, you with the good questions! I don’t remember who said it to me, but: Sex isn’t just about sex.” It’s about so many other things. Sex is about your entire life. Sex is about energy, intimacy and connection. Oh, also: “Go five times slower.” That is a great sex tip!

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity from two conversations.

Complete Article HERE!

What Is Gender-Affirming Care?

By Mira Miller

  • Gender-affirming generally refers to the medical, psychological, and social support provided to individuals who are transgender, non-binary, or gender expansive. to help align their gender identity with their outward appearance and improve their overall well-being.
  • This type of care can include socially transitioning by changing one’s name, pronouns or way of presenting; puberty blockers; gender-affirming hormone therapy; and gender-affirming surgeries.
  • At least 30 states have introduced or are considering laws that restrict access to gender-affirming care.

Gender-affirming care has been the subject of much debate in legislatures around the country in recent months, leading to countless misconceptions and myths about what it actually entails and who it’s for.< According to a report from The Williams Institute, 30 states had introduced or were considering laws to restrict access to gender-affirming care as of March 2023. The result is 146,300 transgender youth who have lost or are at risk of losing access to gender-affirming care. Several bans proposed in 2023 would also limit access to care for those up to age 26.

While misinformation on the subject abounds, it’s important to get the facts straight: Gender-affirming care is considered safe, effective, and medically necessary by the American Medical Association, the American Academy of Pediatrics, and the Endocrine Society.

“Gender-affirming care is considered life-saving,” said Rebecca Minor, MSW, LICSW, a gender specialist and therapist who provides gender-affirming care. “It plays a crucial role in improving the mental health, well-being, and overall quality of life for transgender, non-binary, and gender diverse individuals.”

What Does Gender-Affirming Care Involve?

Gender-affirming care refers to medical, psychological, and social support provided to individuals who are transgender, non-binary, or gender expansive, Minor explained. The goal of gender-affirming care is to assist individuals in aligning their sense of self with their outward appearance and to improve their overall well-being.

“Gender-affirming care means different things for different people,” Uri Belkind, MD, a pediatric medicine specialist who works in adolescent medicine at the New York-based LGBTQ+ health center Callen-Lorde, told Verywell. “It is not a specific process, but rather a collection of tools from which we can select to better fit the individual’s goals and needs.”

One aspect of gender-affirming care requires no medical intervention but instead involves transitioning socially. This may include changing one’s name and pronouns, and dressing or presenting in a way that affirms their gender identity, according to Sean Arayasirikul, PhD, an associate professor in residence of health, society, and behavior at the University of California, Irvine.

Beyond socially transitioning, there are three general medical options available when it comes to gender-affirming care, Belkind said, adding that some people may want or need all of them, while some may find happiness and well-being with only some. These include puberty blockers, gender-affirming hormone therapy, and gender-affirming procedures.

Puberty blockers are for younger patients who are entering puberty and are finding the changes their bodies are going through to be distressing. To access this kind of care, these patients must have shown insistent, persistent, and consistent identification with a gender that is different than their sex assigned at birth.

“This allows us to temporarily ‘pause’ these changes while the young person, with support from their family, further explores their needs and gains a better understanding of what is possible, medically speaking, and what it entails,” Belkind said.

Gender-affirming hormone therapy, on the other hand, refers to the process of using either estrogen or testosterone to promote certain physical changes and to inhibit others, Belkind said.

Gender-affirming procedures, both surgical and non-surgical, change certain physical characteristics that may not otherwise be modified with the use of hormone therapy. Belkind said these may include chest masculinization, facial feminization, permanent hair removal or hair grafting, and genital surgeries such as vaginoplasty or phalloplasty.

“One common misconception is that gender-affirming procedures are regulated only for trans and gender expansive people and that these procedures are experimental, lacking solid medical evidence,” Arayasirikul said.

In reality, cisgender people—or people who are not trans—also choose to undergo gender-affirming procedures to affirm their identity, Arayasirikul explained. This may include a breast augmentation, a mastectomy for gynecomastia, a hair transplant, a rhinoplasty, liposuction, facial fillers, or hormone therapy.

“These procedures and so many more are part of the health care of cisgender people,” Arayasirikul said. “Yet this same care is actively being criminalized for trans and gender-expansive people solely because they are different.”

Can People of All Ages Receive Gender-Affirming Care?

In states where gender-affirming care is not criminalized, trans youth can access puberty blockers to delay the onset of puberty and cross-sex hormones to develop their bodies in ways that align with their gender identity.

“Typically, gender-affirming surgeries are utilized by adults, not children,” Arayasirikul said.

And yet, much of the uproar surrounding gender-affirming care in the U.S. has been surrounding the subject of children undergoing surgery.

According to Belkind, some patients choose to start puberty blockers once puberty begins, while other patients may only begin to seek medical advice after puberty or much later into adulthood.

“It is important to note that, for children who strongly identify with a gender identity that is different from their sex assigned at birth, there are no medical interventions needed before puberty begins and only then do we consider the use of puberty blockers, if needed,” Belkind said.

Medical interventions always happen after a thorough evaluation of the patient’s needs, Belkind added.

Why Gender-Affirming Care Is Necessary

Gender-affirming care helps to reduce gender dysphoria, which is the distress an individual may experience when their gender identity does not align with their assigned sex at birth, Minor said.< “Gender-affirming care, such as hormone therapy or gender-affirming surgeries, can help alleviate gender dysphoria by allowing individuals to align their physical appearance with their gender identity” she said. “This reduction in distress and discomfort can have a significant positive impact on mental health and overall well-being.” Trans and gender-diverse individuals often face higher rates of mental health challenges, including depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation.1 Gender-affirming care, combined with mental health support, can help reduce these risks by providing individuals with the tools, resources, and interventions needed to alleviate distress and promote a positive self-image, Minor said.

According to one recent study, providing trans and non-binary youths aged 13 to 20 years with gender-affirming care, including puberty blockers and gender-affirming hormones, lowered their risk of developing moderate or severe depression by 60% and lowered suicidality by 73% over a 12-month follow-up.2

Another study found that gender-affirming surgeries were associated with a 42% reduction in psychological distress and a 44% reduction in suicidal ideation when compared with transgender and gender-diverse people who had not had gender-affirming surgery but wanted it.3

“Gender-affirming care allows individuals to express their gender identity authentically, promoting self-acceptance and improved self-esteem,” Minor said. “By aligning their physical appearance, social interactions, and personal identity, individuals can develop a stronger sense of identity and self-worth, leading to improved mental health outcomes.”

Additionally, gender-affirming care often includes support groups, peer networks, and counseling services that provide a safe and inclusive environment for individuals to connect, share experiences, and receive emotional support, Minor said. These social support systems, she said, are critical in combating feelings of isolation and promoting healthy relationships.

This kind of care can help combat the societal discrimination, stigma, and marginalization transgender and gender-diverse individuals often face. Minor said gender-affirming care can empower individuals to assert their rights, advocate for themselves, and challenge discriminatory practices.

“By affirming their gender identity, individuals can experience improved resilience, reduced psychological distress, and increased social acceptance,” she said.

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