Defining the terms and risks that come with unconventional relationships
Chris Deaton and Elisha Thompson have been together over a dozen years and share a home lined with photos of family and friends in the college town of Tempe, Ariz., where they both work at Arizona State University. Both are graduate students and volunteer for causes they’re passionate about.
As they schedule their busy lives, they make sure to keep space available for Thompson’s husband of over 20 years, as she sees him most often for Wednesday lunch and Sunday dinner.
As Thompson’s primary partner in their polyamorous relationship, Deaton isn’t close friends with Thompson’s husband, but they are amicable — making sure to circle each other respectfully so that Thompson can include both men in her life. It’s an untraditional set up, but one that works for them and a growing number of people who are embracing polyamory and other forms of ethical non-monogamy.
What is Ethical Non-Monogamy?
Deaton and Thompson identify as polyamorous, which is a relationship style where participants can engage in multiple romantic or sexual relationships with the consent and knowledge of those involved. What this looks like in day-to-day life varies. It is one of multiple relationship practices under the umbrella term of ethical non-monogamy (ENM).
“So for me, the ‘why’ behind polyamory is that it is possible to love more than one person and relationships don’t all have to look the same.”
“Honestly, for me, polyamory just happened,” Thompson explains about her journey. “I fell in love with someone after I was married. I also still loved my husband, and it did not feel honorable for me to just walk away from that relationship just because it no longer looked like it did when we got married. So for me, the ‘why’ behind polyamory is that it is possible to love more than one person and relationships don’t all have to look the same.”
As a broad term, ENM covers a wide array of open relationship dynamics. The common denominator is consent — all parties involved know and fully consent to the open nature of the relationships. It is estimated that one fifth of the population has participated in an ENM relationship at some point in their lives.
Deaton and Thompson share that their lives have been changed for the better because of their journey into polyamory. Both advocates for education, the two founded their own nonprofit organization called Truly Beloved, which is dedicated to the education and support of a sex positive lifestyle.
Under the Truly Beloved banner they regularly teach classes and facilitate both virtual and in-person discussion groups centered on non-monogamy.
“For most folks, I believe non-monogamy offers an opportunity to live a different lifestyle that aligns more with how their hearts feel rather than what society has said is deemed appropriate,” Deaton says.
Ethical Non-Monogamy Terminology
While ENM is a term that encompasses a wide variety of practices, some forms of ethically non-monogamous relationships include:
Polyamory: Polyamory focuses on maintaining multiple relationships with everyone’s consent and knowledge. Within these relationship styles, there can be:
- Solo polyamory: Where someone maintains multiple relationships but not necessarily traditional relationship milestones like living together, joint bank accounts, and others.
- Hierarchical polyamory: Where those involved have a hierarchy of primary and secondary partners, and often establish rules to go with the order.
- Non-hierarchical polyamory: Where there is no stated order or “main couple.”
Swinging: When an established couple has sex with other couples.
Open Relationships: Where couples are open to other romantic or sexual partners.
Polyfidelity: A group of partners where everyone is equal in the group relationship, and no one establishes relationships outside of the group.
Relationship Anarchy: An approach to relationships that often has few established rules or expectations other than the ones agreed upon by the people in the relationships.
ENM After a Life of Monogamy
For those who are interested in ENM in their later years, Deaton has some words of wisdom. “Ask yourself why and figure out what exactly appeals to you and what you are looking for on this journey,” he says. “Read a few books, ask people that participate some questions. Develop some boundaries related to personal physical and emotional safety — it is nice to have some guardrails when first exploring a new world.”
“Then I always tell people to ask themselves, ‘If you were looking to date, would you date you? If not, why?’ In my experience, most of the work needed by people looking to get into non-monogamy is the deconstructing and removing of past ideals and norms and learning to look at intimate relationships in a new light,” he adds.
Deaton’s go-to book list for those curious about ENM and polyamory include: “Polysecure,” “More Than Two,” “The Four Agreements,” “Emotional Intelligence 2.0,” “The Jealousy Handbook,” “Life on the Swingset”, “Open,” and “Opening Up.”
“Polyamory is hard and requires vulnerability, complete honesty and compromise.”
Susan Wright is the founder of the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF), a national nonprofit organization that advocates for the equal rights for consenting adults who engage in alternative sexual and relationship expressions. She has identified as non-monogamous for decades.
“Local polyamory meetups seem to be the most common way to get access to community events and socials,” she says. “Go slow and start talking about it. You have to be able to talk about it before you can do it. You can start exploring as a team, if that’s more comfortable for you, and make agreements together, like a safe word you can use that is the signal to stop and step away to talk to each other.”
Out of the Shadows, Not Out of the Woods
While ethical non-monogamy is becoming more common, it’s not without its risks.
“Polyamorous people are discriminated against because of their relationships. If it comes out at work, polyamorous people can be harassed or even sexually harassed, and yet the workplace will label the polyamorous person as the distraction when they’re being treated badly,” Wright says. “You can also have child custody issues due to the fact that family courts don’t like it when multiple adults live together in a house with children, even though many multigenerational and extended families live together without being discriminated against.”
She advises that anyone who experiences discrimination due to ethical non-monogamy contact the NCSF for a list of resources to help.
And, of course, entering an ethically non-monogamous relationship can bring up issues that need to be navigated within already established relationships.
“Polyamory is hard and requires vulnerability, complete honesty, and compromise,” Thompson says. “I live with my day-to-day partner [Deaton] and spend time with my husband multiple times a week. That on top of work, writing, and other responsibilities means that I rarely get time alone to just relax and reflect. Having multiple partners means that your time is even more limited. I also often struggle with feeling guilty when I’m not available to do something with one of my partners.”
She continues, “On the other side, I often struggle with jealousy too — just because I have two partners doesn’t mean I’m immune to jealousy. It is all worth it, but it is something that everyone should consider before taking the leap into polyamory.”
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
11 Ways To Have More Romantic Sex
Sometimes, you want sex that goes beyond the physical: sex that’s full of powerful emotions, simultaneously intense and tender, almost spiritual. Not just two bodies intertwining, but also two souls.
Sexual romance is the experience of expressing feelings of love, passion, and care through erotic touch. So, to have more romantic sex, you’ll want to find ways to communicate how you feel about your partner through your sexual actions.
With that in mind, here are a few ways to make sex more romantic, from sexuality experts:
1. Learn what your partner finds romantic.
“Romance is relative,” sex and dating coach Myisha Battle, M.S., recently told mbg. What you find romantic might be different from what your partner finds romantic, which might be different from what the next person finds romantic. So, take time to actually ask your partner what sexual romance means to them, specifically.
This conversation itself can be fairly steamy. On an intimate date night, ask them about what intimate, passionate sex looks like to them. Ask them how they liked to be touched and held. You’re sure to enjoy the conversation that follows, and whatever else comes after that. “Talking about sex when you’re not having it can actually increase the quality of the sex you have tremendously,” Battle adds.
Then, deliver on whatever desires they shared with you. Not only will you be giving them pleasure in the exact way they like it, but they’ll also know you were really listening to them and care about making them feel good.
2. Get to know your partner’s inner world.
Sexual romance starts outside the bedroom. Because romantic sex is all about showing how you feel through sexuality, you first need to actually nurture that connection.
Take time to actually get to know your partner: their hopes, dreams, personal challenges, fears, and desires. Spend quality time with them, getting to know their soul well, from their adorable little quirks and to their most amazing, awe-inspiring qualities. When you can truly appreciate how wonderful your partner is, you’ll be better able to convey genuine adoration for them in bed.
3. Create a romantic environment.
One of the simplest ways to cultivate sexual romance is to physically set the right scene for your intimate activities, according to certified sex therapist Michelle Herzog, LMFT, CST. She recommends taking the time to create a romantic, sensual environment by attending to the five senses in your space.
“Getting creative with sensory experiences like incorporating sultry scents, listening to sexy music, and so on can expand your sexual experience,” she recently told mbg. “Consider bringing in softer lighting and make sure that the space is clean and free of things like pet hair [or] clothes all over the floor to enhance the sexual space and make it free of distractions.”
4. Gaze into each other’s eyes.
Eye contact can instantly make sex more intimate, according to AASECT-certified sex therapist Janet Brito, Ph.D., LCSW. “Eye gazing can promote feelings of safety and attunement.”
Aim for sex positions that allow you to face each other, and even better if you can be close enough to really gaze into each other’s eyes throughout the act. Really try to see into your partner’s soul, and see them fully.
5. Kiss them in places other than their mouth.
Lay soft kisses all over their body, especially in the more tender and vulnerable places. A kiss on the back of the hand, the forehead, the shoulder, or the inner thigh—delivered oh so gently—can make the heart flutter and swell.
6. Hold hands.
Likewise, sometimes even the simple act of holding your partner’s hands during sex can make the experience all the more romantic. Interlock your fingers with theirs as you gaze into each other’s eyes and melt into each other.
7. Try the yab yum.
The yab yum, also known as the lotus sex position, is a classic Tantric sex position for a reason: It’s incredibly intimate and involves creating a deep, spiritual connection between partners. One partner sits upright on the ground or bed, and the other sits on their lap and wraps their legs around the base partner. From there, sex and relationship coach Prandhara Prem, M.A., recommends engaging in circular breathing together: as one partner breathes in, the other breathes out, creating a “circular flow” of energy exchange between you.
“The other breathing that you can do is breathing together in and out at the same pace,” Prem also shared with mbg. “This gets your heart to beat at the same rate, thereby allowing you to be more empathetic with each other and know what the other is feeling.”
8. Be romantic in your day-to-day life.
In general, if you’re actively cultivating romance in your daily life, you’ll find that romance translating more easily into your sex life.
“Being romantic involves creating a sense of passion, anticipation, and excitement within a relationship,” clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D., recently told mbg. “Romantic partners don’t need to be a specific personality type; they can be introverts, ambiverts, or extroverts. A romantic partner, however, does need to be attentive, thoughtful, willing, creative, and considerate of [their] partner’s secret (and not-so-secret) longings.”
Try showing affection for your partner more actively by planning special experiences for them, kissing them passionately in random moments, writing a love letter, or other romantic gestures.
9. Cuddle more.
According to research by John Gottman, Ph.D., and Julie Gottman, Ph.D., psychologists and founders of The Gottman Institute, cuddling is strongly correlated with a good sex life. “Ninety six percent of the non-cuddlers said they had a bad sex life,” John told mbg in a recent podcast episode, referencing a survey they conducted of some 70,000 people across 24 countries.
So, cuddle more often in your day-to-day lives. You might even consider getting more creative with your cuddling positions. (See also: spooning sex.)
10. Practice aftercare.
Continue showing care for your partner after the sex is over, so they know the intimacy you’ve just shared extends beyond just the sexual realm. “If one of you goes to sleep right away or puts on your clothes to leave, you’re overlooking an important step, and doing so can lead to feelings of rejection and disconnection,” trauma-informed relationship coach Julie Nguyen writes at mbg.
Aftercare refers to checking in with each other after a sexual experience to reconnect and make sure you both feel good about it. “Intentional aftercare gives you time to reflect on what just happened, validate each other’s feelings, and clear up anything that you weren’t able to mention during sex,” Nguyen explains.
11. Say what you’re feeling.
If you want a sexual moment to be more romantic, sometimes it’s as simple as saying what’s on your mind. This isn’t about whispering sweet nothings but rather opening up to be truly vulnerable with your emotions. How does your partner make you feel? What do they mean to you? What do you love about them—their personality, the way they look, the little things they do that pull you in? Let them know, right there and then in the middle of the act.
The more ways you can find to communicate your feelings for your partner during sex, the more romantic your sexual experiences will be.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
‘Tie me up and call me a good boy’
— The secrets of a submissive man
Daniel (not his real name) had not always wanted to be the submissive in a BDSM relationship.
With his ex-partner for a long time, the 30-year-old thought he was happy with his vanilla sex life – but seven years into his once-happy partnership, a small seed previously planted deep inside him had started to germinate.
‘I had watched a lot of dominatrix porn when I was growing up,’ he explains, his voice surprisingly soft over the phone. ‘It was something I had thought about a lot. I knew I was definitely into it, but it was something I had kept to myself.’
Eventually, when Daniel did work up the courage to tell his girlfriend about his sexual preferences, she was left taken aback, with Daniel claiming it was that moment that led to the beginning of the end of their relationship.
‘She just saw me differently,’ he says. ‘Once you tell them, if they’re not into it, you just don’t get along with someone the same way after that.
‘I expected her to understand what I like in bed after seven years together. I was shocked she was less understanding. It was really difficult when we broke up.’
While BDSM has enjoyed more moments in the mainstream than it has previously – with the book franchise (and subsequent film trilogy) Fifty Shades bringing a (largely controversial and problematic) glimpse into a dom-sub relationship to a larger audience – there are still misconceptions, misunderstandings and an element of taboo surrounding men who prefer to be submissive.
A YouGov survey, conducted in Britain, the United States and Germany, found that only 10% of men preferred to be submissive in bed, with nearly twice the number of men wanting to be the dominant sexual partner.
And on the whole, there seems to be a general lack of understanding over what it means to be when you’re a submissive man in the bedroom.
‘A submissive partner, or sub, is anyone who follows the instructions of the other, dominant partner(s) in their life and willingly forfeits their control or power in a relationship or sexual encounter,’ relationship expert for adult toy brand Ricky, Tracey Coates, explains.
‘Playing a submissive role can take many different forms, in and out of bed. You might be quick to associate submission with a gimp suit, or the likes of bondage, domination and masochism. Those are all correct, but there are also a fascinating range of roleplaying scenarios that involve no physical sex at all.
‘Take findom, for instance. Findom, short for financial domination, is a fetish in which money and power dynamics are sexualised and the submissive partner derives pleasure from monetarily supporting the dominant partner through cash, gifts, paying bills and more.’
Daniel’s own preferences as a sub man are gentler than the usual pre-conceived ideas of whips, chains and spanking.
‘I’d want the domme to be in charge and take control, but I want the softer side to it,’ he explains. ‘I definitely like being tied up in the bed, and them just having their way with me.
‘I don’t like being spanked so much, I want it to be a bit more positive. I don’t really like name-calling… I like being called a good boy.’
After breaking up with his ex, Daniel has started to experiment more with his kink; while he has never paid to meet with a dominatrix for sex, he has turned to the internet to meet like-minded people.
‘I tried to use Tinder to meet women, but unfortunately that didn’t really work out,’ he explains. ‘I had some luck on Reddit and its BDSM forums, and there’s a website called FetLife.com, which I tried out for a while.’
While many people may be afraid to meet up with total strangers and allowing them to entirely dominate, Daniel’s experience is that the BDSM community has been largely welcoming.
‘I’ve found it to be really nice compared to all other types of communities,’ he says. ‘They’re pretty welcoming. And if you ask them any type of question, they’re always happy to answer it.
‘Usually when I meet someone random, we only really talk for a little bit. There are sometimes those thoughts when I’m being tied up where I’m like… is this safe or anything. But at the same time, it does give me a rush of excitement.’
It’s this notion of relinquishing control in the bedroom is what makes being a male sub so appealing, says dating expert and matchmaker at Tailor Matched, Sarah Louise Ryan.
‘It’s a power play,’ she explains. ‘The sexual satisfaction from being a submissive comes from consensually relinquishing control in the bedroom in a safe, deeply communicative and highly arousing environment for them.
‘The pleasure for a submissive comes from when endorphins and serotonin are released around the body, a cocktail of delicious hormones, which make anyone feel good, let alone a submissive during sex.
‘Our brains receptors to pleasure and pain are closely wired and so if say a submissive is also a masochist and they are engaging in a power play of impact during intimacy, as submissive’s brain may translate the pain as pleasure, rushing blood around the body.’
It may still be early days for Daniel, who has since had three or four domme-sub scenarios, having broken up with his long-term partner, but almost immediately after entering the world of BDSM he found that he was still in a minority overall.
‘I’ve spoken to a few men who also consider themselves to be subs, and usually they’re struggling with the same type of thing where they have kind of a hard time trying to find someone that is OK with what they like,’ he says.
The perceived small quantity of male subs may stem from how the current cultural dialogue imposes gender stereotypes in which men should be in charge, while women are expected to be submissive.
It’s a toxic viewpoint that can trample on sexual pleasure for both parties, says Daniel.
‘It’s so widely believed and accepted that men like sex and women don’t,’ he says. ‘It’s so wrong in general.’
‘Some males might choose to keep their submissive tendencies private due to the prevalence of toxic masculinity; the concept of how a ‘real man’ should act, look and think,’ Coates agrees. ‘Traditionally masculine traits such as dominance, great sexual performance and strength don’t conventionally fit with being a submissive partner, though there’s nothing to suggest that a submissive partner can’t be great in bed or a strong-minded individual.’
The misunderstandings around what it means to be a male submissive can lead to awkwardness when expressing your kink with a new partner who may not necessarily be part of the BDSM world.
‘Being a submissive male might seem like a tricky subject to broach when you’re dating someone and you might wonder when to tell them,’ says Coates. ‘The truth is, it’s no different than any other type of romantic or sexual conversation.
‘Introducing dominant and submissive roles into a relationship and sexual encounters is not a taboo practice – you will know when it’s the right time to discuss it because you’ll feel open to talking about it, relaxed and trusting in your partner.’
Ryan agrees that it’s vital that there is an equilibrium of sexual pleasure between the two partners.
‘Being open about what you want sexually and what you need both inside and outside of the bedroom is really important,’ she says. ‘Where and who we invest our time, sexual, physical and emotional energy into is crucial to feeling deep sense of happiness, connection and living a conscious life; being transparent about who we are allows for alignment with a compatible other.
‘When we aren’t honest about what we need, want and desire with others or even with ourselves, we lose integrity for ourselves and live a life less than the one we truly deserve; it’s an injustice to ourselves and out of alignment. By being honest about what we want in the bedroom, no matter the kink, fetish or desire is so important to aligning with who we are and living an authentic life.’
For now, Daniel is going to keep exploring his kink in a safe environment, meeting up with women who are more than willing to dominate him – and hopes that eventually, society will be more accepting of men who wish to explore a submissive kink.
‘I don’t ever see myself moving away from being in a sub domme relationship,’ he says. ‘I would just like it to be more accepted. I just think that just because I’m a male, that shouldn’t just mean I’m the dominant one. I would just like to think that males can be submissive if they want to. Women can be dominant if they want to as well.
‘I figured that if I wanted to be happy, I better do what I want.’
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Sex with my husband has never been better.
I finally stopped hiding my fat body in bed.
- My husband and I have been together since I was 18, and I’ve only had sex with him.
- Sex with my husband now that we’re in our 30s is way better than when we were in our 20s.
- Accepting my body as it is allowed me to get rid of “rules” for bed, like having the lights off.
I’ve been with my husband since I was 18 years old. My sexual history isn’t a particularly colorful one. Save for a few second-base hookups, I’ve only been with one man my entire life, and he has loved me well.
But truthfully, I haven’t loved myself as well as he has loved me.
For a long time in our relationship, I would try to hide my fat body as much as possible when we were in bed. As I got older, I realized that my attempts to hide my naked body were ridiculous — he was into me through and through. Letting go of my body insecurities has led to sex that is better than ever.
I didn’t understand why my husband wanted to be with me at first
When we first got together, it was really hard for me to fathom that he was attracted to me. No one had emphatically pursued me, and I always thought that was OK. I am a fat, awkward woman, and when someone was attracted to me, it flew too much in the face of social standards.
My husband didn’t see me that way. When he looked at me, he saw someone who he was proud to be seen with, someone he was attracted to, and someone he really wanted to see naked. I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. Every movie I saw or book I read up to that point in my life told me that I wasn’t the one who got the guy. So when I did, I found myself wondering why.
I chalked it up to my funny personality and who I was as a person. Since I was a child, I genuinely believed there wasn’t a person on earth who would find me beautiful, let alone desirable, on a physical level. So when someone did and did so unapologetically, I didn’t know what to do with it.
I came up with a lot of rules so he wouldn’t see me in an unflattering way
When my husband and I began being physically intimate, there were a lot of rules: Turn off every single light; don’t grab my waist; don’t touch my stomach; don’t stare at my face in case you see a double chin. I told myself that if he broke those rules, he’d discover just how fat I really was and he wouldn’t want to touch me at all.
As I got older, I realized that society’s narrative of there being only one attractive body type was nothing more than a capitalistic lie. As I warmed up to myself, I also realized that it wasn’t so unfathomable that someone else might find me desirable, too. That’s when I allowed every rule to be broken.
Frankly, it was pretty silly to put any of those rules in place. I’m not sure who I was trying to fool by pulling every trick in the book to look thinner while I was laid bare. My husband knew what he was signing up for with my body, so why deny it the touch it deserves.
When I embraced the fact that I was a desirable person who was worthy of being loved wholly, the sex reached an entirely new level.
Ironically, the body I have now is far heavier and less conventionally beautiful than when I believed I was at my “worst,” and our sex life has never been better.
We love and explore each other completely. We create a safe space that allows both of us to be the most vulnerable we can, and in that vulnerability, we can fully enjoy the experience of being together.
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What is spanking therapy
— And how can it help?
by Beth Sissons
Spanking therapy uses spanking as a form of release. People may choose to take part in spanking therapy to release stress and responsibility, explore power roles, or work through negative emotions or trauma. However, there is limited scientific research on spanking therapy and its effectiveness.
People may speak with a practitioner for spanking therapy or learn how to do it safely with a partner.
This article looks at what spanking therapy is, what it involves, and why individuals may do it.
Spanking therapy has no exact definition, but people may class it as any form of consensual spanking under BDSM, which stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism (SM).
Individuals may also class it as any consensual BDSM spanking to release certain emotions or work through issues, such as trauma.
People may use it for relaxation or the release of power, responsibility, negative emotions, or trauma.
Spanking therapy may be an option for anyone of an appropriate age to take part in consensual BDSM practices.
People may wish to find a spanking therapist or learn how to safely carry out spanking therapy with a partner.
According to an article in The Journal of Sex Research, people may engage in spanking therapy for a range of reasons, such as :
- Power play: People may find it sexually arousing to play with power roles, such as becoming dominant or submissive. Others may also find it freeing to release responsibility and power in a controlled environment.
- Spiritual experience: Some people report that SM practices alter their state of consciousness, providing them with a sense of connection, wholeness, and mind expansion.
- Stress release: Individuals may find similar benefits from spanking therapy as those from mindful activities, such as meditation.
- Escapism or sense of adventure: People may find spanking therapy a way to change their routine and elevate their experience from mundane or everyday matters.
The authors also note that some scientific theories suggest that SM practices, such as spanking, may help some people heal from trauma.
Reclaiming or relinquishing power through the act of spanking may help some people regain psychological control over past traumatic events.
However, a person may wish to consult a mental health professional before engaging in spanking therapy to help heal from trauma.
According to a 2020 article, BDSM, particularly SM practices, may offer therapeutic and soothing effects for some people.
The research also suggests that SM practices may also provide similar psychological benefits as meditation. These benefits may include increased concentration levels, reduced mental activity, and relaxation.
Anecdotal sources also report that spanking therapy may help:
- relieve stress
- provide pleasure
- allow people to gain or relinquish power in a controlled situation
- process or release trauma
There is little scientific research on spanking therapy and its effectiveness.
Research on BDSM practices has shown that those submissive in BDSM had biological changes indicating increased pleasure.
According to spanking therapy practitioners, they may use their hands to spank the lower, inner quadrant of the bottom.
A practitioner may also use a silicone or wooden paddle to create different sensations.
Clear communication is important, so the practitioner understands what people are hoping to get out of the session and the acts with which they can remain comfortable.
A spanking therapy session may involve the following:
- a warmup session to get the body prepared
- discussing any injuries or physical concerns
- what the person hopes to get out of the session, and at what point it will end
- agreeing on safe words or actions to stop the session at any time
- whether people will keep their bottom clothed or not
During the spanking therapy, a practitioner may use a hand or paddle to offer different sensations.
After the session, the practitioner will check in with how people are feeling and allow time for them to process the emotions that may have come up.
Spanking therapy requires skill, and people without training may not be able to carry it out safely. However, if individuals wish to try spanking therapy with a partner, they may want to speak with a trained spanking therapist first for advice or training.
People could also learn from sex parties, classes at sex shops, online tutorials, or books.
Discussing consent
Before engaging in spanking therapy or any sexual activity, it is important that individuals discuss consent, boundaries, and expectations with their partner.
Consent is an ongoing process, and a person can change their mind and withdraw their consent at any time.
To ensure those involved are comfortable, people should:
- talk about the activity
- check in with each other often
- ensure that everyone consents beforehand
The following are answers to common questions about spanking therapy.
Is spanking therapy always sexual?
Spanking therapy is not necessarily sexual, and some people may see it in a similar way to other forms of physical therapy. Others may see it as a more ritualistic experience.
According to a 2015 article, people may take part in BDSM activities such as spanking for nonsexual reasons.
Individuals may find it provides a new experience and a release from their everyday selves and responsibilities.
Why might people like being spanked?
People may enjoy spanking for several reasons, such as:
- the release of power and responsibility
- relaxation
- stress relief
- the release of trauma or negative emotions
- altering their state of mind
A 2019 study looked at how Canadian university students thought about BDSM practices, with 60% of male participants and 31% of female participants having positive thoughts about whipping or spanking.
Where can a person learn more about spanking therapy?
If people want to learn more about spanking therapy, they may wish to:
- read articles or books on the subject
- talk with a sex worker trained in spanking therapy
- connect with a local or online BDSM community
Spanking therapy uses spanking as a therapeutic method to release stress, explore power play, or let go of trauma.
People can consult a trained spanking therapist for a session or learn how to safely carry out spanking therapy themselves with a partner.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
How To Make The First Move Without Forgetting Consent
(Spoiler: It’s Not Hard)
For straight men and women, the sexual script has generally gone like this: Boy likes girl; boy asks girl out; boy makes the first move. That’s always been less-than-ideal (not to mention, limiting). In the #MeToo conversation, though, it feels more out of touch than ever. But, as is the case with most social movements, rhetoric comes faster than actual change. Many men feel as if they’re still expected to be the sexual aggressors, whether that means asking someone out, leaning in for a kiss, or escalating a makeout session into sex.
As one man wrote in a Reddit post shortly after the Aziz Ansari allegations came to light: “I don’t know where the line is between complimenting and harassing, or a proposition and misconduct. I absolutely don’t want to push myself on anybody or be where I’m not wanted, but there’s also a substantial amount of reliance on men to initiate everything from saying ‘hi’ to asking for a date.”
Honestly, it’s a lesson everyone — regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation — should be learning, and one that’s probably more straightforward than it seems. Yet, in the Sahara desert that is sex education in the U.S., people aren’t learning what consent really is. (Hint: It should be more enthusiastic than “no means no.”)
So, we found experts to break down how all people can make the first move and still be mindful of consent. Lesson number one: The best way to know if someone wants to have sex with you is to ask. Read on for the rest of their tips.
#MeToo has raised the voices of women who’ve been sexually assaulted or harassed — and that’s not just great, it’s revolutionary. So, where does that leave men? To help answer that question, Refinery29 is providing actionable advice for men who want to be allies.
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Men Have Low Sexual Desire, Too
By Gigi Engle
There is a common belief that cisgender female people enjoy sex less than men. Our social scripts dictate that a low desire for sex is entirely a cis-female problem. Cisgender male people, on the other hand, are expected to be insatiable sex machines, always down to get it on.
Here’s the tea, my curious folx: It’s not just a female problem.
We believe it’s important to note that our social conventions don’t take gender-fluid, non-binary, or transgender people into account because these conventions are driven by backward, heteronormative ideas. We’re not, in any way, trying to leave people out. Low desire can happen in literally anyone with any body parts.
This is an everyone-problem. Men and people with penises suffer from this bullshit script, too. If you’re expected to be this sex-crazed monster, you’re bound to feel messed up about it. “It can lead [cisgender men] to [feel] incredible shame, to questioning their masculinity and whether they are enough for their partner/s,” Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist, tells TheBody.
Assigned male at birth (AMAB) people aren’t encouraged to be open about this because it isn’t acceptable for a cis-male person to have low desire.
Let’s separate the facts from the myths because we all deserve the amazing, vibrant sex lives we want. There’s no shame in the game.
Understanding the Complexity of Desire
Understanding low desire means understanding how desire actually works. Desire is born out of complex and interconnected bio-psycho-social factors. This refers to the subjective and universal experiences each person faces. They are different for everyone because everyone has different experiences, relationships, and biological factors that influence their lives.
Let’s strip down bio-psycho-social to its bones: Our desire, or lack thereof, is influenced by our biology: health, age, sexual anatomy, abilities, etc; our psychology (psycho): individual psychology, beliefs, values, and emotions; and social factors: cultural context, social context, and our relationships with other people.
Desire is rarely something that just “happens.” It is something that develops out of a complex, psychologically driven context. “Often your libido can be like the ‘canary in the coal mine’ of what is happening in your overall health and well-being and could be a sign that you are under severe stress or burnout,” Rowett says. “It can also happen for emotional reasons, like problems in the relationship, feeling frustrated and turned off by their partner, or past trauma that has not been resolved.” (For more information on how desire can be impacted by our minds, check out these articles here and here).
The idea that “male sexuality is seen as biologically driven, autonomous, spontaneous, [that] those with penises don’t have to do anything to get a hard-on” really does a massive disservice to AMAB people, Jordan Dixon, a clinical sex and relationships psychotherapist, tells TheBody. We need to do away with these harmful myths and be willing to openly embrace our vulnerabilities to find common ground.
Misinformation About Low Libido Can Be Harmful
The falsities around AMAB desire are seriously detrimental to everyone. We talk a lot about how society’s messaging messes with cisgender women, but this leaves cis-men confused and in the dark.
What’s more, cis-men are encouraged to hide their emotions and never talk about their struggles—which only further compounds this issue. If you can’t talk about how you’re being impacted by low desire because you’re not supposed to have it and not supposed to talk about it or seek help, you’re pretty screwed (and not in a good way).
Trying to simplify AMAB desire into the tiny box that sees male desire as “always on, raw, natural, and including rock-hard penises” is detrimental to everyone. It is “disempowering [to cisgender women] and pressur[es] men to act as unemotional machines, focused purely on their ‘performance,’” rather than the pleasure, Dixon tells us.
The shame cycle that this ignites will only add further stress to someone who experiences low desire. This will, in turn, lead to further exacerbating their low desire. If you don’t break out of this toxic cycle, you won’t be able to change it.
How to Handle Low Desire in a World That Loves Toxic Masculinity
“If you are a male and struggling with low desire, remember that you are not the only one, and it is far more common than you think,” Rowett says. Cisgender men feel alone, broken, and isolated because there are essentially zero cultural representations of low male desire in our toxic masculine world.
It’s not about solving low desire by focusing on how to “fix the penis.” It’s about understanding the whole human person in front of us, Dixon explains. “Difficult feelings or sensations may have valuable messages,” she says. We need to invite AMAB people to explore “the messages their penises are giving them.” Some realize that, in contrast to their own desire to be accommodating, their penises are angry at being expected to perform and want prior attention. By voicing their own needs and wants, AMAB people have an opportunity to heal their wounds and, in doing so, cultivate more desire.
Through clinically approved exercises such as self-focus, meditation, and mindfulness, clients can explore past sexual shame, damaging cultural messages, and personal roadblocks to their libido. If low libido negatively impacts your life, seeing a qualified sexologist, sex coach, or sex therapist can be hugely impactful. These are professionals whose job is to work with sexual blockages and help you have the sex life you want.
At the end of the day, the only way we can rid ourselves of the harmful lies that shackle us is through education and communication. We need to be willing to be radically vulnerable to be free from toxic masculine double standards. Talking about it, joining together, and finding our community can truly set us free.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
What to do when body image is affecting your sex life
Actionable steps to help you get in the mood.
Rifling through a chest of drawers, I found an old photograph that I’d hidden in the hope I’d never again have to set eyes on it. It was taken 15 years ago on a beach in France, and I was wearing a bikini.
Back then, the photos had arrived on my doormat after I’d sent off the film to be developed. As I shuffled through them, the image of my semi-naked self immediately set off a spiral of self-loathing. I couldn’t bear to look at my body. Even with the photo stowed out of sight, those negative thoughts about my body followed me around like a shadow for another decade and a half.
These thoughts convinced me I did not deserve to be loved or even looked at. With those feelings came a distinct lack of interest in showing my body to another human — someone who could possibly see me in a state of undress and confirm everything negative emotion I’d ever felt about myself.
My body image is my sex life’s worst enemy. It is the voice in my head telling me that I need to lose weight before I go on dates. It is the seed of doubt when I notice someone looking at me in a bar. It is the thought that whirrs in my mind when I’m in bed with someone, drowning out any thoughts of pleasure.
During a recent sexual dry spell — brought on by an episode of extremely low self-esteem — I realised the one thing standing in the way of a fun and fulfilling sex life was my own brain. I had a choice: Did I want to live my life hiding out of sight because glossy magazines, billboards, and my unkind classmates in high school made me feel unloveable? Then came the question: How do I go about dismantling the destructive feelings I’ve had about myself for most my life?
Research suggests that women with poor body image derive less satisfaction from sex due to distracting thoughts about their bodies. Furthermore, women with body image issues are less likely to initiate sex. Short of spending your whole life having unsatisfying sex and never initiating sex, there are tangible, actionable things you can do to try to have better sex more often. According to sex educators, counsellors, fat acceptance activists, and authors, here are some techniques that might help…
Try positive affirmations during sex
For much of my adult life, there have been certain sexual positions I was reluctant to try because I was worried how my body might look from a certain angle. Lisa Williams and Anniki Sommerville from the Hotbed Collective wrote about this very issue in their aptly titled book More Orgasms Please: Why Female Pleasure Matters. “If body confidence is an issue for you, we would like you to try this exercise,” they wrote. “When you are next having sex, for every negative thought you have about your looks, we’d like you to come up with a positive affirmation instead.”
“This could be a nice thing about your appearance (if you really struggle with this, ask a friend to help you: we can be so much nicer to each other than we are to ourselves), or something about how the sex makes your body feel rather than what you look like,” they continued.
Williams and Sommerville recommend replacing a negative thought like “my bum is too big” with a positive affirmation like “I love it when I’m kissed along the knicker line.” They suggest switching “I need to lose weight” with “I love how my hips and waist look when I lie on my side.” “My scars are ugly” can be countered with “this person is in bed with me because of who I am.”
Identify where your body image issues come from
If you think long and hard about where that very first twinge of self-loathing came from, it’s likely those thoughts didn’t just magically appear out of nowhere. Stephanie Healey — psychotherapist and sex educator — told Mashable to “start by unpicking the kind of body image/self esteem issues that people are having and figure out when that started and whose voice that is (the inner critic, is that a parent or a teacher or an ex partner etc).”
In her book Happy Fat, comedian and fat activist Sofie Hagen wrote that “we received negative messages about bodies on a — dare I say — hourly basis.” “From the adverts on television, public transport, social media, all telling women to buy a certain product to become ‘better,’ to have smoother skin, shinier hair, a smaller waistline, redder lips, […],” she wrote.
On Elizabeth Day’s How To Fail podcast, author Marian Keyes spoke about how sexism and capitalism intersect to “teach women to hate themselves.” “When I am overweight, which is a lot of the time, I feel ashamed asking for what I want,” she said. “I have been taught that if I’m not skinny then I am greedy, I am out of control, that I am to be mocked, that I’m a figure of fun. This is all in my head, but I didn’t get those messages from no place,” she continued. “I have learnt to despise myself,” Keyes added.
Remind yourself that all bodies are hot
Flo Perry, author of How To Have Feminist Sex, told Mashable that mainstream media presents us with “such a narrow definition of what is an ‘attractive’ body.” “It can be useful to remember that in reality people find all kinds of bodies hot,” Perry added.
“Click off the front page of Pornhub even and you’re bound to find videos amateurs have uploaded with bodies just like yours with millions of views. There are people all around the country right now jacking off to your typical mum-bod.”
Follow people who look like you
Is your Instagram feed full of photos that don’t look like you? Does it make you feel shit every time you scroll? Consider curating your social feeds with people who look like you and who are actively embracing their bodies. Perry suggests following “people on social media that look like you that are further along their body positivity journey.””Whatever you look like there will be someone who looks like you on instagram posting beautifully shot hot pictures of themselves,” she said. “If you fill your feed with these pictures you’re bound to feel more sexy.”
Hagen recommended following the Adipositivity Project, which is a collection of beautiful nude portraits of fat people that aims to change “commonly accepted notions of a narrow and specific beauty ideal.”
If you watch porn, think about the types of bodies you’re seeing on a regular basis. Healey said “mainstream free access porn content has a certain look and body type, and I’d encourage other images such as MakeLoveNotPorn to see a wider range of bodies being sexual.”
Cull social media accounts that make you feel bad
In curating your feed with glorious, gorgeous bodies that look just like yours, try to pinpoint which accounts are making you feel bad about yourself and unfollow all of them. Do not feel bad. If it’s a friend who posts constant #thinspo posts or weight loss before-and-after pics, put your own wellbeing first: Hit mute, unfollow, block.
Hugo Minchin — counsellor and co-founder of Talk to the Rainbow, the centre for LGBTQ+ therapy in Bristol — told Mashable social media is “full of idealised portraits of picture-perfect human beings.” “Comparing oneself to a fitness model, a porn star, or an influencer is unrealistic. We are all unique and ultimately self-esteem starts with yourself,” Minchin added.
Relationship expert at eharmony Rachael Lloyd recommended reminding yourself that social media isn’t real. “It’s important to take a step back and realise your friend’s social media posts are the airbrushed life she wants you to see – rather than the full picture,” said Lloyd. “Always bear in mind that this filtered lifestyle isn’t an achievable goal and aiming for those dizzying, like-induced highs is unrealistic.”
Don’t posture and perform during sex
Watching porn or any on-screen depictions of sex can leave us with deep-set notions about what sex should look like and specifically how our bodies should look when we’re in the throes of passion. Williams and Sommerville hit the nail on the head in More Orgasms Please: “[S]creen sex will make you believe that you have to fling yourself around the room naked, or dress up as Catwoman. While both these things are great if you have the whim, great sex can still happen under a duvet in the dark.”
If it feels difficult to unlearn the sex poses that mainstream pop culture and porn have ingrained in our minds, start out with self-sex (aka masturbation). Not every position you use to masturbate needs to be like the ones you see in porn.
Have a go at mindful sex
Thoughts about your body can be extremely distracting during sex.
Sex expert Kate Moyle at sex toy company LELO advocates trying mindful sex or ‘mindsex’ techniques. This can involve “taking your attention back to the pleasurable physical sensations that you are experiencing.”
“You only have a certain amount of attention available at any one time, so if you are anxious this will interrupt your physical experience,” Moyle added.
Williams and Sommerville gave some practical tips for this: “Focus on the orgasm and not on what you look like. Think about your breathing, squeeze and release your pelvic floor, tweak your own nipples, concentrate on each sensation, notice how your partner’s skin feels, think about every move the two of you are making and how they feel,” they wrote.
Share a sexual fantasy
Almaz Ohene — sexual health education facilitator at Sexplain — advised writing “a sexy story” with your sexual partner. Tapping into your creativity and creating a story about the two of you “can be a way of sharing some steamy moments together without having to get physical,” said Ohene.
“Think about the sexy experiences you’ve had together and take things from there. In a few sentences, describe the characters and whose perspective we’re hearing it from,” Ohene said. “Describe where the story will take place and any plot-driving details. You can take the story in whatever direction you like – which means it’s also a low risk way of revealing some of your desires,” she said. “You just might find yourselves trying out some of thing things on the page, once you’re back in the swing of physical sex acts again.”
One thing I wish I’d known when I first hid that photo of myself: You do not need to lose weight in order to be desirable. We are all worthy of sex, pleasure, and attention.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
What is Sexual Aftercare?
By Natasha Weiss
We talk a lot about foreplay and what happens during sex, but what we don’t talk about enough is what happens after.
Aftercare is a broad term for how you and your partner support each other and check-in after you’ve had sex.
Sex can ramp us up and leave us with all sorts of emotions. We may feel energized, or drained – or both. Some people feel exposed and vulnerable, or like their nervous system is ramped up.
This practice gives you and your partner a chance to regulate, and deepen your relationship.
Sexual aftercare should be thought of as part of your sexual experience, much like foreplay, versus a separate thing after, that may feel like a chore. It’s essential for a healthy dynamic.
The goal of aftercare is for all parties involved to feel safe and seen, while leaving space to discuss anything that came up during sex.
A Gift from Kink
What is sexual aftercare? The term aftercare comes from the kink community.
Depending on what your flavor of kink is, some minor injuries can occur, which need to be attended to.
The other reason people in the kink world advocate for aftercare is to help support people in any hormonal drops that can occur after such an intimate or intense experience. When adrenaline, cortisol, or oxytocin levels surge, they will also drop. Some people may experience anxiety, shame, or mixed emotions afterward.
Aftercare helps to ease the hormonal crash and helps people to integrate their experiences.
Aftercare for Everyone
Kink can encompass so many things, and even if you don’t incorporate it into your sex life, aftercare is just as important for you.
Aftercare tends to your physical, emotional, and mental needs. Some people may want to add spiritual needs to that list.
While these tips aren’t necessarily exclusive to physical or mental and emotional, here’s a breakdown of some helpful tools to incorporate into your aftercare routine.
Physical Aftercare
First, you’ll most likely want to tend to the physical.
This means rehydrating, and peeing of course to prevent a UTI. For people with vaginas, especially if you are prone to yeast infections, you may want to take whatever measures are needed to avoid irritation. Cleaning up yourself, and any toys used helps to lessen your risk of infection.
What other ways can you nourish your bodies?
You can try a nice calming tea, having a snack, or ordering a hearty meal. One of my favorites is to place an order for delivery and take a steamy shower together while we wait for our feast.
Some people may need space and time apart, while others will want to continue their physical connection by massaging each other, cuddling, and kissing. Both are beautiful, but it’s important to try to manage both partner’s needs. Note that taking space does not mean someone who intentionally avoids connection by rushing out the door, and reaching for a distraction in order to avoid aftercare.
If you know there’s something you or your partner will need afterward, like say chocolate, then try to plan ahead of time.
Mental and Emotional
Physical aftercare feeds into mental and emotional, but they are all equally important.
Some partners benefit from talking about their experience and giving each other positive reinforcement. This can even be a form of sexy pillow talk, where you boost each other up for the fine work you just did.
Hanging out and being mellow is also aftercare! Putting on an uplifting movie, dancing around to romantic tunes, and just basking in each other’s company are all ways to support each other after having sex.
Some people assume that sexual aftercare starts after one or both parties orgasm. Orgasms do not have to be the focus of your sexual encounters, and they are not necessary before engaging in aftercare.
Understanding the importance of aftercare makes sex less goal-oriented, and more about honoring everyone’s needs, and the dynamic of the relationship.
To Each Their Own
You may have a set aftercare routine with your partner that works for you, that’s awesome. Some people want more fluidity and gauge their needs in the moment.
Sexual aftercare is especially important for people who have sexual trauma PTSD – who experienced sexual trauma or abuse in the past. Sex after trauma can be triggering, and survivors may tend to withdraw or dissociate during or after sex. Aftercare gives them sexual trauma therapy which allows them to ground down and be held in a safe, supportive space.
Aftercare can look different for everyone, there’s no one right way to do it. What’s most important is that everyone’s needs are being met, especially if someone is feeling especially vulnerable or exposed.
Solo people or long-distance partners can also benefit from aftercare. Try it yourself next time you have a solo sex session!
Aftercare is important for so many different reasons, but it’s vital to creating a holistic sexual experience, and for deepening intimacy. You and your partner, or partners, deserve to be showered with kindness, affection, and understanding after a sexual experience. Aftercare makes space for all that and more.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Senior sex
— Tips for older men
What you can do to maintain a healthy and enjoyable sex life as you grow older.
As you age, sex isn’t the same as it was in your 20s — but it can still be satisfying. Contrary to common myths, sex isn’t just for the young. Many seniors continue to enjoy their sexuality into their 80s and beyond.
A healthy sex life not only is fulfilling, but also is good for other aspects of your life, including your physical health and self-esteem.
Senior sex: What changes as men get older?
As men age, testosterone levels decline and changes in sexual function are common. These physiological changes can include:
- A need for more stimulation to achieve and maintain erection and orgasm
- Shorter orgasms
- Less forceful ejaculation and less semen ejaculated
- Longer time needed to achieve another erection after ejaculation
You may feel some anxiety about these changes, but remember they don’t have to end your enjoyment of sex. Adapting to your changing body can help you maintain a healthy and satisfying sex life. For example, you may need to adjust your sexual routine to include more stimulation to become aroused.
Senior sex and health problems
Your health can have a big impact on your sex life and sexual performance. Poor health or chronic health conditions, such as heart disease or arthritis, make sex and intimacy more challenging.
Certain surgeries and many medications, such as blood pressure medications, antihistamines, antidepressants and acid-blocking drugs, can affect sexual function.
But don’t give up. You and your partner can experiment with ways to adapt to your limitations.
For example, if you’re worried about having sex after a heart attack, talk with your doctor about your concerns. If arthritis pain is a problem, try different sexual positions or try using heat to alleviate joint pain before or after sexual activity.
Stay positive and focus on ways of being sexual and intimate that work for you and your partner.
Senior sex and emotional issues
At any age, emotional issues can affect your sexuality. Many older couples report greater satisfaction with their sex life because they have fewer distractions, more time and privacy, and no worries about pregnancy.
On the other hand, some older adults feel stressed by health problems, financial concerns and other lifestyle changes. Depression can decrease your desire for and interest in sex. If you feel you might be depressed, talk to your doctor or a counselor.
Senior sex tips
Sex may not be the same for you or your partner as it was when you were younger. But sex and intimacy can continue to be a rewarding part of your life. Here are some tips for maintaining a healthy and enjoyable sex life:
- Talk with your partner. Even if it’s difficult to talk about sex, openly sharing your needs, desires and concerns can help you both enjoy sex and intimacy more.
- Visit your doctor. Your doctor can help you manage chronic conditions and medications that affect your sex life. If you have trouble maintaining an erection, ask your doctor about treatments.
- See a sex therapist. A therapist may be able to help you and your partner with specific concerns. Ask your doctor for a referral.
- Expand your definition of sex. Intercourse is only one way to have a fulfilling sex life. Touching, kissing and other intimate contact can be rewarding for you and your partner.
As you age, it’s normal for you and your partner to have different sexual abilities and needs. Be open to finding new ways to enjoy sexual contact and intimacy.
- Adapt your routine. Simple changes can improve your sex life. Change the time of day you have sex to a time when you have the most energy. Try the morning — when you’re refreshed from a good night’s sleep — rather than at the end of a long day.
Because it might take longer for you or your partner to become aroused, take more time to set the stage for romance. Try a new sexual position or explore other ways of connecting romantically and sexually.
- Don’t give up on romance. If you’ve lost your partner, it can be difficult to imagine starting another relationship — but socializing is well worth the effort for many single seniors. No one outgrows the need for emotional closeness and intimacy.
If you start an intimate relationship with a new partner, use a condom. Many older adults are unaware that they are still at risk of sexually transmitted infections, such as herpes and gonorrhea.
One final piece of advice for maintaining a healthy sex life: Take care of yourself and stay as healthy as you can:
- Eat a healthy diet.
- Exercise regularly.
- Don’t drink too much alcohol.
- Don’t smoke.
See your doctor regularly, especially if you have chronic health conditions or take prescription medications.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
How to define the rules of an open relationship
Open relationships are all about freedom – but that doesn’t mean you don’t also have to set some ground rules.
Entering into an open relationship, or opening up an existing relationship, is not a decision that should be made lightly. It takes some serious consideration, and part of that should probably include establishing some ground rules.
This isn’t about stifling anyone’s freedom, or closing off possibilities, but instead it’s about maintaining trust and respect with your partner as you both explore the option of entering into physical and emotional interactions with other people.
‘Going into an open relationship and a sudden change in relationship dynamic can lead to discrepancies when rules and boundaries haven’t been made clear,’ Ness Cooper, a clinical sexologist who works as a sex and relationship coach, tells Metro.co.uk.
‘It can be easy to overstep without realising, which in turn can jeopardise the safety of the relationship.’
Jealousy, insecurity and a feeling of lack of control can all rear their ugly heads when you step away from monogamy and try something different. But it doesn’t have to be difficult, toxic or doomed to fail.
Ness says that, as with so many things in relationships, good communication is key.
‘Setting time aside to have a conversation around setting relationships ground rules is important,’ says Ness. ‘Avoiding discussions like these after conflicts is key, as when in a heightened emotional state it can become easy to set unrealistic or unfair rules and boundaries.’
Ness says it’s also crucially important to remember to check-in with each other regularly, because even open relationship dynamics can change based on your experiences.
‘Sometimes, certain rules will need altering to make sure you both continue to feel safe within your primary relationship,’ says Ness.
‘Discuss not just the emotional concerns that open relationships can have, but also the physical.’
Why are rules and boundaries important in an open relationship?
While complete freedom may be appealing, without any kind of principles to guide you, it could descend into chaos quite quickly.
Ness agrees that rules are important because they give you the structure to explore things safely.
‘As soon as safety leaves a relationship dynamic it can be very difficult to grow further within that relationship due to the possibility of negative emotions arising and conflicts,’ she says.
‘Rules can help navigate emotions such as jealously and envy in a healthy way.
‘Jealously and envy can happen even when rules have been set within an open relationship, and it’s how couples navigate these in a healthy way that makes a big difference to their relationship.’
What ground rules should you set?
Every couple will have their own way of approaching this, and their own limits and boundaries about what is and isn’t acceptable in their relationship.
So, you need to find what works for you. But don’t be afraid to get into the details.
‘Rules around the type of sex you can and cannot have with people outside of your main relationship can be very important, and how you both can stay safe when it comes to using barriers and contraception,’ says Ness.
‘Physical safety of meeting-up with others is important too and you may decide that you shouldn’t meet up with others in certain locations to avoid conflicts from peers.’
Ness also suggests looking on open relationship dating apps to see what other couples have put as basic ground rules on their profiles.
‘Talk about these with your partner and whether or not they fit with your relationships goals, wants, and needs,’ says Ness.
‘Listen to your partner and how they interpret and express rules. This is important as it can be easy to see how you interpret rules, rather than listen to your partner’s interpretations.
‘We all have different outlooks on rules and boundaries. Listening to your partners interpretations will not only help you understand how to follow rules and boundaries you both make; it will also show that you are present within your main relationship and there for each other.’
Additionally, Ness says you should think about creating rules around what you’re both allowed to talk about.
‘Some open relationships don’t want to hear the details of dates that happen with others, and other open relationships will want to talk about everything,’ Ness says. ‘It can vary greatly, and learning what both you and your partner are comfortable with discussing is important.
‘Rules on how to deal with what you share with peers and family members are important too. Everyone has different relationships with their friends and family and some may want to keep their open relationship status private.’
What if you have different ideas about what the rules should be?
It’s completely normal to have different understandings of rules and boundaries, as a result, Ness says discussion about these differences is very important for couples.
‘The end result of setting rules isn’t always about having the same understanding of them completely, it’s more about maintaining and sharing the end goal and beliefs that the rules are supporting,’ Ness explains.
‘If your relationship’s internal goals and beliefs are extremely mismatched, then it could be a sign that you both want completely different styles of open relationship dynamics, which can lead to conflict.’
So, working out how you both can bring your end goals into alignment when it comes to opening up a relationship can really help – this may involve a lot of talking it out.
‘Discussing and sharing why some differences may be there, can help you both get to know each other on a deeper level and will help you form any compromises needed when setting rules for an open relationship,’ says Ness.
‘If you’re unable to accept your partner’s perspective on open relationships then no amount of rules will help to change that.
‘If you still want to workout how to add an open relationship into your relationship dynamic then seeking advice from a sex and relationship coach or therapist can help.’
How to make sure those rules are followed by both parties
Ness says it’s important to have an understanding that in an open relationship, following rules to the letter in every situation may not be possible. So you have to have a degree of flexibility and understanding.
‘Understand that rules, whilst important, can be influenced greatly by situations at the time,’ she says. ‘Not only have you both agreed on set rules, there will be other people entering into the relationship (even if that’s in a casual manner), who will have their own understanding of your rules and may interpret them differently.
‘Individuals who enter your relationship too will also bring their own rules and expectations.’
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
The G-Spot Doesn’t Exist
By ELIZABETH KIEFER
Once upon a time, that time being 1982, there was sex. And then, suddenly, there was sex.
The difference? A teensy half-inch ribbed nub on the upper front wall of your vagina. Scientists—and magazines (hi) and books and sex-toy companies and movies and TV shows and your roommates and your sex-ed teacher—reported that it was a universal key to The Mysterious Female Orgasm. And thus began the era when you were supposed to be able to say “it blew my mind” to your girlfriends at brunch.
Or was it three inches wide? Farther down, near your vulva? Slick instead of ribbed? Kinda springy to the touch?
Whatever, it was it. And fuck if we all didn’t work hard to find our own. Back in 1982, Cosmo told women to get there by “squatting” so it would be easier “to stick one or two fingers inside the vagina” and make the necessary “come-hither motion.” A 2020 Google search turns up thousands of road maps (“where is the G-spot?” has been searched more times than Michaels Jordan and Jackson). That cute-adjacent guy you slept with in college tried the classic pile-drive maneuver, to middling success.
But it must not matter, because the G-spot economy is booming: G-spot vibrators, G-spot condoms, G-spot lube, G-spot workshops, and, for the particularly daring and/or Goop-inspired, $1,800 G-spot shots meant to plump yours for extra pleasure.
Hell, even Merriam-Webster is in on it: The G-spot is a “highly erogenous mass of tissue” in every dictionary it prints.
So then why, when we talked to the woman who helped “discover” it, did she tell us we’ve all been obsessed with the wrong thing?
That woman is Beverly Whipple, PhD. She and a team of researchers officially coined the term “G-spot” in the early ’80s. They named the thing, which they described as a “sensitive” “small bean,” for German researcher Ernst Gräfenberg (yeah, a dude). And just like that, your most frustrating fake body part was born.
ACCORDING TO OUR SURVEY, 
of women have avoided sex because they can’t find their G-spot.
Honestly, it all got out of hand from there, says Whipple. Her team wasn’t saying that each and every woman has a G-spot. (“Women are capable of experiencing sexual pleasure many different ways,” she insists to Cosmo now. “Everyone is unique.”) And despite that bean analogy, they didn’t mean it was a spot spot. They were talking about an “area” that could simply make some women feel good. But the media (hi again!) preferred the neat and tidy version and ran with it like a sexual cure-all.
Researchers did too. In 2012, a study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine proclaimed that of course the G-spot was real. It just wasn’t a bean. It was actually an 8.1- by 3.6-millimeter “rope-like” piece of anatomy, a “blue” and “grape-like” sac. This revelation came from gynecologic surgeon Adam Ostrzenski, MD, PhD, after his study of an 83-year-old woman’s cadaver. (He went on to sell “G-spotplasty” treatments to women.) Over the years, lots of other researchers found the G-spot to be lots of other things: “a thick patch of nerves,” “the urethral sponge,” “a gland,” “a bunch of nerves.”
For the most part, though, the thing that women were supposed to find has remained a mystery to the experts telling them to find it. Dozens of trials used surveys, pathologic specimens, imaging, and biochemical markers to try to pinpoint the elusive G-spot once and for all.
In 2006, a biopsy of women’s vaginas turned up nothing.
In 2012, a group of doctors reviewed every single piece of known data on record and found no proof that the G-spot exists.
In 2017, in the most recent and largest postmortem study to date done on 13 cadavers, researchers looked again: still nothing.
“It’s not like pushing an elevator button or a light switch,” asserts Barry Komisaruk, PhD, a neuroscientist at Rutgers University. “It’s not a single thing.”
of women have felt frustration, confusion, or anxiety while trying to locate their G-spot.
“I don’t think we have any evidence that the G-spot is a spot or a structure,” says Nicole Prause, PhD, a neuroscientist who studies orgasms and sexual arousal. “I’ve never understood why it was interpreted as some new sexual organ. You can’t standardize a vagina—there is no consistency across women as to where exactly we experience pleasure.”
Sure, she says, some women might have an area inside their vaginas that contains a bunch of smaller, super-sensitive areas. But some women say that when they follow Cosmo’s old two-finger come-hither advice, they feel discomfort or like they have to pee. Others feel nothing at all. Because for them, there’s nothing there.
Now for the trickiest part of this story—and, TBH, the reason this is even a story at all. Despite the lack of scientific evidence, there are still lots of G-spot believers, many of them super-smart, well-meaning sex educators. They’re a pretty heated group (one hung up on us when we called for an interview) and not…entirely…wrong. Their point is: If a woman believes she’s found her G-spot, that should outweigh any lack of science. And specifically, if someone claims to have experienced G-spot pleasure, it seems “bizarre” to shut her down, says Kristen Mark, PhD, a sex educator at the University of Kentucky. “That feels like going backward.”
Fair. It’s just that, as Prause points out, “women deserve accurate information about their bodies.” Can’t we have our pleasure—and the truth too?
As Prause said (and this bears repeating), for some women, there is sexual sensitivity where the G-spot is supposed to be. But for others, there’s none. Or it’s to the left. Or it’s in a few places. And that’s kind of the whole point. It’s all okay. It can all feel good.
What everyone can agree on is that we need more research. Women’s sexual health is vastly understudied, and the scientific hurdles are borderline absurd. In 2015, Prause tried to get a trial going at UCLA that would study orgasms in women who were, you know, actually alive. The board heard her out but wanted a promise that her test subjects “wouldn’t climax” because they didn’t like the optics of women orgasming in their labs. (As you’ve already guessed, the study wasn’t approved.)
So yeah, a new kind of thinking about female pleasure is going to take a minute for certain people to get on board with. Like those brunch friends who go on and on about G-spot rapture. And like men, who might love the idea of the G-spot best of all. A G-spot orgasm requires penetration, which just so happens to be the way most guys prefer to get off. “If you’ve got a penis, it would be super convenient if the way the person with a vagina has pleasure is for you to put your penis in their vagina,” says Emily Nagoski, PhD, author of Come as You Are, a book that explores the science of female sexuality. Related: 80 percent of the men in Cosmo’s survey said they believe every woman has a G-spot; nearly 60 percent called it the “best way” for a female partner to achieve pleasure. (“Once you rally enough experience like myself, you can find it on every girl,” one supremely confident guy told us.)
of women say their partner has gotten frustrated while searching for it.
Just like it did for women, the G-spot gave men a universal performance metric and the “cultural message that pleasure for women happens by pounding on their vaginas with your penis,” says Nagoski.
Things were thisclose to going in a much better direction. “In the early ’80s, there was research that was really putting the clitoris front and center,” explains Nagoski. “Then along came the G-spot research, creating this pressure for women to be orgasmic from vaginal stimulation even though most women’s bodies just aren’t wired that way. And if you really think about why vaginal stimulation matters so much, it’s because it puts the focus on male pleasure.”
Go ahead and let that sink in while we gear up to talk about the fallout. Not only the sexual frustration (although that, definitely that) but also the giant emotional burden the G-spot unwittingly dropped on all of us. Turns out, the thing that was supposed to awaken and equalize our sex lives came with a really shitty side effect: shame.
More than half of the women in Cosmo’s survey reported feeling inadequate or frustrated knowing that others are able to orgasm in a way they can’t. Eleven percent said this made them avoid sex entirely. “I have friends who say they always climax from intercourse alone and they’re like, ‘You just haven’t found it yet,’” says Alyssa, a Cosmo reader. “It’s like they’re the lucky ones.”
That’s why on one recent Tuesday, another Cosmo reader, Beth, found herself sitting in a room that looked oddly like a vagina—low, pink light, a candle burning softly nearby—getting her first round of G-spot homework. She and her husband had hired a sex therapist to help them feel more in sync sexually. Basically, he wanted it a lot more than she did, probably because she was still waiting for something…bigger. “I can have a clitoral orgasm,” she says. “But knowing that there’s something better, I wanted to experience that.”
of men believe every woman has the magic button.
The couple’s take-home tasks were a checklist of “sexy” moves, designed to help them find Beth’s G-spot so she could have The Orgasm. “The night we did doggy-style, it felt…god, there was the sound of skin smacking and my husband asking me if it was working. It was terrible.” (We fact-checked this with Beth’s husband. Oh yeah, “it sucked.”) After that, they gave up.
Other couples are still searching: 22 percent of guys say that finding a woman’s G-spot is the number one goal of sex, which helps explain the 31 percent of women who say they’re dealing with exasperated partners. Prause worries about that. She says: “You’ll hear guys say things like, ‘My last girlfriend wasn’t this much work,’ or ‘You take a long time to orgasm,’ or ‘This worked for the last person I slept with.’ That makes women question if they’re normal. And that, we hate.”
Which is why we’re calling off the search. We’re done with the damn “spot” and we’re sorry, again, that we ever brought it up. And actually: Unless sex researchers make a surprisingly major breakthrough, Cosmo won’t be publishing any more G-spot sex positions or “how to find it” guides.
“What would truly be revolutionary for women’s sex lives is to engage with what research has found all along: the best predictors of sexual satisfaction are intimacy and connection,” adds Debby Herbenick, PhD, a professor at Indiana University School of Public Health and a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute.
The science world is revolutionizing, too, trying to figure out how to rebrand the G-spot into something more (and by “more,” we mean actually) accurate. Whipple stands by her “area.” Italian researchers have suggested renaming it the somewhat less sexy “clitoral vaginal urethral complex.” Herbenick has her own ideas: “First of all, it should not be named after a man. It’s a female body we’re talking about, and just because a man wrote about it doesn’t mean he was the first to understand or experience it.” But anyway, she’d go with “zone.”
As for us, we’re going to kick off this new era with a 100 percent G-spot-free piece of smarter, wiser sex advice, courtesy of Nagoski: “If it feels good, you’re doing it right.” Call that whatever you want.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
How to Talk to Your Partner About Having More Sex
This is what the discussion should look like.
So, you’re in a relationship, and you want more sex than you’re currently having.
You wouldn’t be alone. One 2015 study that tracked couple’s desire found four in five people in relationships dealt with differing levels of sexual desire within a single month. Additionally, low desire and desire discrepancy are the most common sexual issues that come up in couples therapy. In other words, this issue is not rare. Of course, that doesn’t make the question of “how to ask for more sex?” any easier to address.
Everyone deserves to feel sexually satisfied, and for those in relationships, we know sexual satisfaction is interlinked with overall relationship satisfaction. So if this is something that’s on your mind, know that it is worth bringing it up to your partner. There are also ways to approach this conversation—and the mutual efforts that need to come after it—with a sense of camaraderie, care, and curiosity.
Here are a few tips to keep in mind if you want to ask for more sex.
1. Open a dialogue
So, you want to have sex more frequently. The first step is to directly bring it up to your partner. Let them know you’d like to set aside some dedicated time to have an open conversation about your sex life as a couple and how you’re both feeling about it. During this talk, tell them that you’ve been feeling interested in having sex more often, and ask them what they think about that.
They may very well be game, or you might learn about some barriers your partner is dealing with that’s making it harder for them to tap into their desires. Listen attentively, and consider how you can help them climb some of those barriers.
2. Approach the situation as a team.
When faced with an issue such as differing levels of sexual desire, couples often fall into the trap of seeing it as “you vs. me”. I want sex. He doesn’t. But when you view each other as representatives of opposing sides, you turn the issue into a power struggle that one of you has to “win” and one of you has to “lose.”
Instead, think of yourselves as teammates facing a shared challenge. And importantly, don’t make the goal be having sex a certain number of times per month. The goal should simply be to mutually invest the time and effort into co-creating a sex life that feels good for both people. Turn this part of your life into something you’re working on together.
3. Consider what can be improved for your partner.
Even though you’re the one bringing up a need, it’s important to consider your partner’s needs simultaneously.
Remember, sex is something people do solely because it’s fun and feels good. If sex isn’t that fun or doesn’t feel that good for someone, then it’s no surprise they wouldn’t be that interested in it. So, instead of How do I get this person to have more sex with me consider reframing the question as How do I help my partner enjoy sex more, so they’re as genuinely excited to have sex as I am?
Are there things that would make your shared sexual experiences more enjoyable for your partner? Are there things they want more or less of in bed? Are there things that they like that you haven’t done in a while? Ask your partner.
There may also be some negatives of having sex that are outweighing the positives, which need to be addressed. If you can’t fathom what the “negatives” of having sex are, that’s another good one to ask your partner about and see what they bring up. From body anxiety to physical pain to just the stress of losing out on some precious downtime, it’s important to understand what those downsides might be and how you can find ways to alleviate them together.
4. Learn about your partner’s experience of desire.
People may experience desire in different ways. Sometimes desire discrepancy isn’t about differing levels of desire (high vs. low) but rather different types of desire.
Some people have what’s known as spontaneous desire, wherein the desire to have sex can arise at any given time. Other people have what’s known as responsive desire, wherein the desire to have sex only arises after you’re already aroused or in a sexual situation.
In other words, a responsive person won’t ever really be randomly in the mood for sex; instead, there’s a certain set of contexts that, when in place, reliably put them in the mood. People who have the responsive model of desire are often under the impression that they just have a lower libido than others when in reality, they just experience desire in a specific way.
What set of circumstances, dynamics, and contexts help trigger your partner’s sexual desire or allow for your partner to more easily access their desire? What makes sex appealing to your partner in a given situation? What makes sex unappealing to your partner in a given situation?
5. Remove the pressure
It’s important to never pressure your partner into anything. They need to be happy to have sex with you, not coerced or guilted into doing so. If there’s ongoing tension or resentment whenever you try to initiate sex, that’s a sign that there needs to be another sit-down conversation about what’s going on. What’s setting your partner off, and what needs to change to help make them more comfortable?
For relationships between men and women, it can sometimes help to remove the pressure to always make sex have to lead to or involve intercourse. Have some sexual experiences that just involve some deep making out, heavy petting, or maybe some oral. Don’t worry about having an orgasm every time. Just focus on creating moments for intimacy, eroticism, and fun without the pressure of it having to lead to a specific act every time. This will help your partner feel like she can wade into the waters of a sexual experience without feeling pressured to “follow through” every time. And when you remove the pressure of orgasms or intercourse, you also open yourselves up to a whole array of new, interesting, and pleasurable sexual experiences.
6. Keep initiating
Remember that your needs and desires do matter, and you’re allowed to ask for what you want from your partner and from your relationship. Your partner is also allowed to say no. Allow both of yourselves to remove the guilt from these actions, and focus on finding how to arrive at a mutual yes more often.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
What vaginal changes can a person expect after giving birth?
A person can expect vaginal changes after giving birth. Common changes include perineal pain, pain during sex, bleeding, and vaginal dryness.
by Tabitha Britt
According to the United Kingdom’s National Health Service (NHS), it is not unusual for people to notice new and uncomfortable vaginal changes after giving birth.
To ensure a safe recovery, people should have several postpartum checkups with their OB-GYN, with the first checkup being within 3 weeks of delivery. Postpartum care is an ongoing process and requires more than a single visit.
This article will discuss the vaginal changes a person can expect after giving birth. It will also cover tips for postpartum recovery.
The NHS notes that it is normal for a person’s vagina to appear wider than it did pre-birth. The swelling and openness should subside in a few days.
Even so, vaginal laxity is a common complaintTrusted Source among those who have recently given birth.
Tips
Although a person’s vagina may not return to its pre-birth shape, this is not a cause for concern.
However, people can try pelvic floor exercises, or Kegel exercises, to help tone the vaginal muscles. This can help prevent urinary incontinence.
This may also help sex to feel more pleasurable. However, sexual pleasure is complex and there are many factors that can affect it.
If a person finds that they are experiencing difficulties with sexual pleasure or are concerned about the width of their vagina, they should contact a healthcare professional.
The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) does not recommend elective plastic surgery, vaginoplasty, or radio-frequency or laser procedures. The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has not approved these for postpartum vaginal laxity.
Some sources refer to these procedures as “vaginal rejuvenation,” which is a marketing term and not a medical condition.
Postpartum vaginal dryness is commonTrusted Source and normal, particularly for those who are nursing.
Vaginal dryness results from low estrogen, and those who are nursing have lower levels of estrogen than those who are not nursing.
It can make sex uncomfortable or painful and may cause some light bleeding.
Tips
According to the NHS, once a person stops nursing and their periods have returned, the estrogen count should revert to pre-pregnancy levels and any noticeable vaginal dryness should improve.
In the meantime, people can try the following to ease any discomfort:
- taking estrogen supplements
- avoiding douches and personal hygiene sprays
- staying hydrated
- applying a vaginal moisturizer
- using a lubricant during sex or foreplay
- communicating with their sexual partner
According to the ACOG, the type, intensity, and duration of pain and soreness will vary from person to person. However, the NHS notes that most people should improve within 6–12 weeks after birth.
People may experience one or more of the following symptoms after childbirth:
- cramping
- back, neck, or joint pain
- soreness in the perineum, which in females is the area between the vagina and anus
- swollen or sore breasts
Those who underwent an episiotomy, which is when a doctor makes an incision in the perineum to widen the vaginal opening, or had perineal tears, may need stitches.
The NHS notes that approximately 9 in 10 people who undergo a vaginal birth for the first time will have a tear, graze, or episiotomy. Stitches should heal within 1 month after delivery.
Tips
Mild vaginal tears that occur during delivery can take a few weeksTrusted Source to heal.
To help with the pain in the meantime, a person can:
- take over-the-counter (OTC) medications, such as ibuprofen
- sit on a padded ring
- apply an ice pack to cool the area
Anyone who is concerned about the healing process and pain should consult a doctor or midwife before taking any OTC pain relievers.
According to the ACOG, some bleeding and discharge after delivery is normal. It may first appear bright red in color and become lighter and pinker in color within a few days. Over time, the flow will decrease and eventually stop.
Some may experience postpartum vaginal discharge that lasts for a few weeksTrusted Source.
People who experience excessive bleeding should seek immediate medical attention as it could be a sign of postpartum hemorrhage or uterine atony. Healthcare professionals define excessive bleeding as filling more than two pads per hour for more than 1–2 hours.
According to BMC Pregnancy and ChildbirthTrusted Source, postpartum hemorrhage is the leading direct cause of maternal morbidity and mortality worldwide.
Tips
Postpartum discharge is an inevitable part of the healing process.
To make things easier, a person should avoid using tampons until after their 6-week postnatal check. They can also use sanitary pads until the discharge stops.
People will experience some postpartum bleeding or lochia after giving birth.
Lochia contains mucus, white blood cells, tissue, and blood. The womb sheds this menstrual-period-like mixture of fluid and tissue so the body can replace its uterine lining after delivery.
The ACOG notes that it will usually occur within 24 hours after giving birth, but it may happen up to 12 weeks later.
According to the Office on Women’s HealthTrusted Source, lochia appears heavy and bright red before becoming lighter in flow and color.
Individuals who lose more than 1000 milliliters of blood within 24 hours of giving birth should seek medical attention immediately as it could be a sign of a postpartum hemorrhage.
Those who are interested in reconnecting with their partner on a physical level may experience dyspareunia or pain with sex.
According to a 2018 studyTrusted Source, 37.5% of people reported pain with sex 6 months postpartum, while 46.3% reported a lack of interest in sexual activity.
While there is no timeline as to when a person can have sex again after giving birth, most doctors recommend that people wait 4–6 weeks following vaginal delivery.
Those who had an episiotomy or perineal tear should wait until the site has completely healed, as having sex too soon can increase a person’s risk of postpartum hemorrhage and uterine infection.
Learn more about when a person can have sex after being pregnant here.
Tips
People can try the following to help alleviate any pain or discomfort during postpartum sex:
- Taking things slowly and starting with other intimate activities first, such as a massage, oral sex, or mutual masturbation.
- Considering using a water-based lubricant during sexual activity.
- Communicating with their partner about the pain they are experiencing and which activities are pleasurable and which are not.
Those who continue to feel pain during sex should contact a healthcare professional.
If a person’s vaginal canal is unable to stretch far enough to deliver the baby, the perineum may tear or the doctor will perform an episiotomy.
Excessive, raised, or itchy scar tissue may form around the tear or incision area.
Those who are concerned about perineal tears can massage their perineum within the last few weeks of pregnancy to reduce their chances of requiring an episiotomy.
A person should talk with a healthcare professional regarding the best way to massage the perineum.
While some people may experience heavier, longer, or more painful periods following delivery, others may find that their periods improve.
Those who bottle-feed or combine bottle feeding with nursing may have their first period 5–6 weeks after giving birth.
According to the ACOG, people who are not nursing should begin ovulating within a few weeks of childbirth. There may be a delay to ovulation for up to 6 months for people who are nursing.
Learn more about the first period after having a baby here.
Within the first few days after giving birth, some people may experience pain or burning while urinating.
Urinary incontinence is also common during pregnancy and after childbirth.
According to the Urology Care Foundation, the number of children a person has, from both cesarean and vaginal delivery, may increase their risk for urinary incontinence. In addition, people who have urinary incontinence during pregnancy are more likely to have it after childbirth.
Postpartum urinary incontinence usually goes away once a person’s pelvic muscles regain their strength. People who experience long-term incontinence should contact a healthcare professional.
Tips
People can try the following to ease their discomfort:
- drinking water
- running water in the sink while using the bathroom
- soaking in a warm bath
- doing Kegel exercises to strengthen their pelvic muscles
People can experience difficultyTrusted Source with orgasm after childbirth.
This may occur as a result of:
- fatigue
- decreased levels of desire
- psychological changes after pregnancy
- postpartum depression
- pain or discomfort during sex
People who are having difficulty achieving orgasm or experiencing sexual dysfunction after giving birth should contact a doctor to see if an underlying condition could be exacerbating the issue.
Pregnancy increases the body’s production of estrogen and progesterone.
This influx of hormones leads to increased blood flow, which may cause the labia to darken.
These changes may be temporary or permanent, depending on the person.
The postpartum period begins after a person gives birth, lasting 6–8 weeksTrusted Source. It ends when the person’s body has almost returned to its pre-pregnancy state.
A 2021 article notes that the postpartum recovery period is likely to be longer than 6 weeksTrusted Source. However, there does not appear to be a consensus among healthcare professionals.
An older article from 2010 notes that the postpartum period consists of three phases. Healthcare professionals refer to the last phase as the delayed postpartum period, which can last for 6 monthsTrusted Source.
During this recovery period, a person should ensure that they:
- Attend every checkup: According to the ACOG, checkups can help to ensure a person’s physical, mental, and emotional health are on the right track. It recommends that healthcare professionals provide 12 weeks of postpartum support.
- Eat a well-balanced diet: To fight off fatigue and constipation, people should aim to eat a combination of complex carbs, protein, and fiber. Drinking plenty of fluids, participating in light exercise, such as walking, and using the bathroom when the urge comes can also prevent constipation.
- Rest: Rest is an essential part of recovery. New mothers should get plenty of rest in the first 2–3 weeksTrusted Source after childbirth.
Learn more about postpartum recovery and what to expect.
After birth, a person can expect changes to their vagina, including:
- vaginal width
- vaginal dryness
- soreness
- discharge
- bleeding
- pain during sex
- scar tissue
- urinary incontinence
- difficulty achieving orgasm
- changes in the color of the vulva and vaginal opening
Healthcare professionals define the postpartum recovery period as the first 6 weeks after giving birth. The time it takes to recover will vary depending on the person. Those who have ongoing or severe symptoms should contact a doctor.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
What makes a good top and a good bottom?
240 gay men were asked something very important. Something that affects every gay man. Something that’s so integral to our way of life it can impact relationships, change friendships and perhaps bring us closer to spiritual enlightenment. We asked: what makes a good bottom and what makes a good top?
We have the answer for you:
What tops think bottoms want
What gets a bottom off? We asked the tops what they think a bottom looks for.
“Respect your partner who is bottoming,” says Mark, 31. “Go at the pace they are comfortable with. Also make sure you lube up the area and yourself well so there isn’t unnecessary friction. Ensure your penis is hard before trying to penetrate.”
Jaspar, 28, has a few suggestions to the tops out there. “Use your full length but don’t go balls deep in your first thrust. Pace yourself and don’t be afraid to get off if you need to, and warm yourself up/calm yourself down. Your bottom might be annoyed by the break, but they’ll thank you in the long run. And good tops eat ass. Get over it.”
“It’s not a marathon or a race; it’s sex. So, go at a pace you find comfortable and that gives your partner pleasure,” advises Rhys, 22. “If your partner is responding well to what you are doing, keep doing it. Don’t be afraid however to change things up with speeds, motions and positions. If you feel like you’re going to cum and it’s too soon, it’s okay to slow down or even stop. You can take a break to pleasure your partner in other ways. And for the love of God don’t copy porn. Your dick is not a drill and shouldn’t be used like one (unless your partner asks for that).”
A final piece of advice from 25-year-old Ben: “Plenty of lube will help you just as much as it will the bottom.”
What bottoms actually want
So, what do bottoms actually require in a top?
“Listen to your bottom,” says Joe, 31. “If he’s telling you to do it harder, then do it. If he says “don’t stop”, then don’t you dare fucking stop. And it you’re biting the shit out of the back of his neck and he tells you to knock it off then you better fucking quit or he might bite your dick off.”
“Create an environment of intense relaxation,” says Jack, 22, “but also be clear about what you want – encouragement is better than a feeling that there’s no impetus to get to where you’re trying to be.”
Adam, 27, wants a bit of care and attention before he gets down to it. “Use lube, too many tops lately don’t think it’s needed. Or foreplay, they just want to stick it in. You better rim or finger me first. Go slow, use kissing, smiling, sounds, body contact as cues to reassure the bottom.”
And 36-year-old Alex agrees that lube is key: “There’s no such thing as too much lube, but god you know it if there not enough.”
What bottoms think tops want
What do bottoms think is expected of them? They all seem to arrive at a similar conclusion.
“Be clean as best you can. Don’t overdo it, it’s not good for your body. Also, accidents happen. It is the ass. It kinda has a purpose to it. Don’t worry about it. You will laugh later,” says Luke, 27.
“Douche like your life depends on it, and then douche some more. Most importantly, relax. It’s meant to be pleasurable, not a chore,” believes Gavin, 44.
“Always douche,” agrees Paul, 27.
James, 39, has similar advice, “Douche. Douche. Douche.”
While John, 32, was a little more emphatic: “Douche!”
What tops actually want
We also asked the tops from our survey what they seek when someone is bottoming.
“Don’t dive on my D too quick. It’s not a race,” says John, 28. “The number of times I’ve seen an over eager bottom get on too quick only to regret it immediately… and it’s really not a big deal if we make a mess. I take full responsibility for putting a foreign object in your butt hole.”
Mark, 31, wants you to breathe. “Try and relax, take it slow and remember to breathe. The more relaxed you are the easier it is to actually have sex. Also, don’t be afraid to take control, sometimes knowing what is going to happen when helps you to relax your mind.”
“Variety makes things more fun for both of you, in terms of both speed and position,” says Will, 22. “If you can try and be prepared both mentally and physically it’s much more enjoyable for both of you. Don’t be afraid to say that you’re not in the mood to bottom, but make this clear early on.
And 43-year-old Lee mention that old favourite: “Douche.”
Top and bottom stats:
We asked tops: Do you think there’s more pressure on the top or the bottom when it comes to ‘performance’?
- 71% said there’s more pressure on the top
- 16% said there is pressure on both
- 5% said the bottom
We asked you all: What’s your preferred sexual position?
- 10% said top
- 20% said top but can be versatile
- 18% said bottom
- 29% said bottom but can be versatile
- 21% said completely versatile
- 2% don’t have anal sex
We asked bottoms: Do you think there’s more pressure on the top or the bottom when it comes to ‘performance’?
- 40% said there’s more pressure on the top
- 16% said there is pressure on both
- 35% said the bottom
- 9% said neither
First time advice
We asked for your tips and advice for someone looking to try anal for the first time, whether it’s as a top or a bottom.
“Be open with your partner and talk about what each of you likes. Don’t just barge in. Take your time,” advises Mike, 37.
“If you’re the top, don’t be too eager or over-excited. You can end up rushing in and causing pain. Communication is key, check in with your partner throughout but especially on initial penetration. Make sure they are comfortable before increasing speed or force,” says Jake, 35. “If you’re the bottom: Breathe. Relax. Take deep breaths when he first enters you. If it hurts on initial penetration, get him to take it out again and wait for 20 seconds while you breathe and then try again. Your sphincter will get over the initial shock and relax more. Don’t be afraid to tell him to stop, or slow down.”
Tom, 31, thinks relaxation is key. “Don’t stress out too much. Find a person and a place that you’re comfortable with and get exploring. Don’t expect too much from your first time.”
Anal isn’t for everybody
Of course, fucking isn’t the be all and end all. Some people just don’t like it or are scared to try.
“I find it very uncomfortable I just don’t enjoy it at all. And I’ve tried too!” says Jules, 44.
“It’s just a bloody pain in the arse. All that douching and then making sure you don’t eat so that there’s no mess,” thinks Suraj, 24.
“I haven’t had much experience and so it has become daunting to try,” explains Paul, 32.
Maybe you love anal sex, maybe you hate it, but whatever you do, communicate with your partner, make sure that it’s right for you and you choose the safer sex strategy that’s right for you – whether that’s condoms, PrEP, regular sexual health tests or if you’re HIV-positive and on treatment. Most importantly, it should be fun.
The douching mini-guide:
- Use plain, clean water, preferably at body temperature.
- Do not use antiseptics, disinfectants or anything else in a douche, as they can all irritate the lining of the arse.
- A small bulb douche is recommended.
- If you are using a shower hose remember there’s variable water pressure and heat coming out of the shower and that you will not always be able to control the amount of water.
- Make sure you expel all the water out of you before sex.
- Douching can irritate the lining of the arse and may make it easier to be damaged during sex. This can increase the likelihood of HIV and STIs.
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