Tag: sex and relationship advice

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How to have an emotionally supportive threesome

— Three isn’t a crowd, it’s a party.

By Sarah Lempa

A wholesome threesome: The best rhyme ever? We think yes.

“Two simply isn’t enough, let’s add more!” – Whichever brilliant soul had the first threesome in history (or so I presume). Adding an extra to your sexcapades, joining a dynamic duo, or taking part in a random mélange of new lovers can be downright hot and fulfilling. But we’d be remiss to neglect addressing the common complexities that accompany group sex.

Whether “uh oh, I have feelings” vibes from an unspoken love triangle or Good Old Fashioned Overwhelm, threesomes can be a lot. Mismanaged expectations or murky communication are enough to wobble any trio in the sheets. Fear not, however, there are ways to set yourself (and the whole team) up for success.

Here’s our guide to having an emotionally supportive threesome.

Get comfortable talking about group sex

Don’t quote me on the math here – but if it’s awkward to discuss, it’s going to be at least eighty times more awkward in practice. I’m not saying you need to come up with a blueprint of every single stroke and sensation (please don’t ever do that) but discussing group sex before it happens is a solid way to craft a shared vision that supports everyone. Get comfy talking about it outside of the bedroom, on neutral territory, where you can suss out the vibe without any “in the moment” pressure.

Cay L. Crow(Opens in a new tab), a sex therapist and founder of Orchid Toys(Opens in a new tab), an adult toy shop, affirms it’s all about the upfront communication. “I typically recommend that the love triangle have a meeting, preferably over dinner and drinks, to discuss expectations. This requires a level of transparency and honesty that is tough but necessary,” she explains. Seeing as dinner can be a sexy segue into something more, it can be a win-win.

It takes a certain level of comfort and confidence to casually chat about blush-inducing topics. But not only does it allow for alignment of expectations, it also puts the sexual tension in a pressure cooker – which sounds intense and potentially dangerous – but builds some delicious anticipation. Trust and openness are fuel for good sex, period.

Level with yourself and your expectations

Speaking of expectations… Get real about yours before getting undressed. Are you fulfilling a juicy fantasy? Embarking on a one-time mission purely for curiosity? Dreaming of being a throuple? Gaining a crystal clear idea of why you’re even doing this, and what you want out of it, is a pretty damn good place to start.

Don’t keep it to yourself, either. Communicating expectations is a vital way to prevent confusion and hurt. As Crow puts it, “One partner might expect this to be a one-time thing, while another partner hopes it is ongoing. A partner of a couple might feel that a threesome is fine, but the third party is a sexual guest of the couple and there will be no time alone with either partner.” While that may sound like a complicated conversation, it’s a hell of a lot less complicated than piecing together where everyone’s at post-sex if there was zero communication in the first place.

Discuss desires and be upfront about any boundaries

Not only is “What’s Your Fantasy?” by Ludacris a smash hit, it’s also a question we should ask ourselves. Lena Elkhatib, a sex and relationships therapist who founded Essentia Therapy(Opens in a new tab), recommends asking the following: “Are you looking to be the ‘guest star’ of the threesome, or do you want the attention to be shared? Would you like to do more watching than participating or prefer all hands-on-deck?” The possibilities are endless, folks!

Talk about what you want and don’t want. Nobody wants a surprise finger in a place they’ve mentally ruled out. Assert whatever is a no-go and establish any boundaries so everyone’s on the same page. Get on the same page with protection – condoms, birth control for anyone with a uterus – all the goods. Elkhatib also recommends using a safeword “for either stopping or pausing sexual activity if something unexpected comes up in the moment. This helps create safety for everyone involved and gives actionable tools for partners to recalibrate if needed during their sexual encounter.”

Tend to the relationship dynamics involved

Who you are within a threesome dynamic, and who you’re with, makes a world of a difference. Sleeping with a formerly platonic friend has the potential to be incredible, but there are some times where the vibes become questionable. Are you strangers? Starry eyed lovers? Old friends sitting atop years of juicy, built up sexual tension? Consider the dynamics and how they may shift once sex is in the equation.

For couples, Elkhatib suggests: “If you’re in a primary relationship and inviting a third to join you, make sure you and your partner discuss any concerns or fears you have around having a threesome, such as jealousy, comparison or relationship insecurity, and talk about ways to mitigate some of those potential threats.” Coming up with an emotional game plan of sorts, in case someone begins to feel jealous or uncomfortable, is a good way to prepare.

“If you’re in a primary relationship and inviting a third to join you, make sure you and your partner discuss any concerns or fears you have around having a threesome, such as jealousy, comparison or relationship insecurity.”

Don’t forget to show your guest some hospitality, either. We get it, you’ve got the hots big time for each other. They’re a human just like you, though – not an object to solely be sexualized. Threesomes should be fun for everyone, so be cognizant of balancing the level of interaction and attention. An absence of such can leave your third feeling left out or used. 

If negative emotions come up during the threesome – body image issues, jealousy, or self-consciousness – take a break and tend to what your body needs most, whether an open conversation, some reassurance, or a bit of time alone. It’s perfectly okay to slow down or stop completely if things aren’t feeling good. If you’re comfortable sharing what’s going on with your partners, do so. Most importantly: Prioritize your immediate needs and remember to breathe. Your mental health is more important than someone else’s orgasm.

Think of it as an improv show rather than a scripted play

When Shakespeare said “all the world’s a stage,” I really hope he wasn’t including the bedroom. Threesomes should be a pure act of improv rather than anything scripted – allowing things to play out organically without pressure. “Sometimes people go in with a rigid script of how everything should go, which can create pressure and anxiety,” Elkhatib says. “By thinking of it as improv – the stage, players and parameters are set in advance, but the ‘show’ is ultimately co-created in the moment.”

As with any great act of improv, there’s bound to be an awkward moment or two. One minute you might be breathily teetering on the edge of orgasm, only to be like “hold up, my foot is trapped under someone’s thigh” minutes later. Everyone’s experience is going to be completely different, and you might end up surprised over what you like or dislike about it all.

Dr. Elyssa Helfer, a certified sexologist and the founder of Elevated Healing Center(Opens in a new tab), suggests embracing the occasional awkwardness. “Media portrayals of threesomes are almost always inaccurate in that the representations lack the realities of the humanness that can occur when bringing multiple bodies together. Unexpected noises, smells, positioning mishaps and even the occasional slip off of the bed are all possible. Embracing connection, fun and authenticity rather than perfection as a goal can be a great way to appreciate humanity in one another,” Helfer says.

“Media portrayals of threesomes are almost always inaccurate in that the representations lack the realities of the humanness that can occur when bringing multiple bodies together.”

Don’t forget the aftercare

When I say “aftercare,” you say “check in on one another post-threesome and make space for any emotions that arise!” Seriously though, threesomes can bring up a wide range of feelings. Checking in with yourself and your partners is a healthy way to debrief.

Elkhatib shares some intel on how to go about it: “Discuss what you each liked or would like to do differently next time. The end goal is to make sure there is space afterwards to give one another care and attention in whatever capacity is needed, and let partners know they won’t be left hanging.” Basking in that post-sex glow together never hurt, either.

“Having a threesome is about accessing new sensations and feelings, and each new experience gives you more insight to your sexual self. So even if it doesn’t play out the way you imagined, it’s still a chance to learn about yourself and grow sexually,” Elkhatib concludes.

Oh yes, nothin’ but wholesome self-growth in our threesomes.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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20 common sexual kinks

— And why it’s totally normal to have a kink

By Gabrielle Kassel

  • There’s nothing unusual about having a kink — some evidence suggests half the population has one.
  • A few examples of kinks include bondage, impact play aka spanking, discipline, and role play.
  • Before exploring kinks with your partners, start with consent, communication, and clear boundaries.

As any pleasure-seeker or social scroller knows, a kink isn’t just a knot in your neck. It also refers to your sexual preferences.

“A kink is a sexual interest that is outside of the ordinary,” says certified sex educator Javay Frye-Nekrasova, founder of The Millennial Sexpert and educator with Lovehoney.
Of course, what qualifies as ordinary sex — or vanilla sex — varies by person, as well as cultural context, and so does what qualifies as kinky.

“It’s entirely subjective,” Frye-Nekrasova says. Some individuals might say they have a doggy style kink because they like to hit it from the back, for instance. Meanwhile, others might say they’re kinky because whips and chains excite them. Still, about half the population reports having interest in at least one non-vanilla sex act.

Note, however, that a kink is different from a fetish. While a kink expresses an interest in a sexual act, “a fetish is a fixation on an object or body part for sexual gratification,” Frye-Nekrasova says.

To put it simply, a kink is something you do to get turned on, while a fetish is a thing you need to get turned on.

Semantics of kink versus fetish aside, there’s no shortage of things people might be into in the bedroom (or, uh, dungeon). Below, kink educators explain 20 of the most common kinks, outlining why someone might think it’s hot and sharing tips for your own sexperiments.

1. Age gap

An age-gap kink is a kink for role play where adult-aged folks act out, and are turned on by, fantasies that involve a difference in ages, says sex educator Searah Deysach, owner of Early to Bed, an education-focused sex shop in Chicago.

For instance, one partner might play “baby” and put on a diaper, while the other plays “Mommy” or “Daddy” — this dynamic in particular is known as “daddy dominant–baby girl.” One partner might also pretend to be a college-aged student, while another pretends to be a professor.

“It’s important to note that an age gap kink involves consenting adults (not children) pretending to be younger than they really are,” Deysach says. Any illicit contact or conversations with minors is a felony.

2. Bondage

Bondage is the B in “BDSM.” In full, “the acronym stands for bondage, discipline/dominance, submission/sadism, and masochism,” Deysach says.

At its most distilled, “an individual interested in bondage when they are interested in being restrained or restricted, or restraining or restricting their partner,” says Lisa Finn, a sex educator with sex-toy emporium Babeland.

Bondage can involve anything from ropes and ribbons to zip-ties and saran wrap, and it may appeal to folks for a variety of reasons.

“Some people like the aesthetic of a restrained body, others like the sensation of the bondage material on their skin, and others like the way it reinstates power dynamics,” Finn says.

3. Cock and ball torture

Cock and ball torture, sometimes known simply as CBT (not to be confused with cognitive behavioral therapy), is a fetish marked by the desire to have pain inflicted on your own penis or testicles — or the desire to inflict said pain.

“This pain can be achieved through pulling, stretching, or even stepping on one’s bits,” Deysach says.

CBT may also involve the use of cock cages, urethral sounding, genital flogging, and more, and she says.

4. Cuckolding

Someone has a cuckolding kink when they enjoy watching their partner have sex with other people — either in the same room, or via Facetime or video, Deysach says.

Historically, the term was used specifically to refer to married men who wanted to watch their wives have sex with other men, but according to Deysach, the term can be applied to folks of any gender, sexuality, or marital status.

“The thrill of watching your lover have sex with another person is something that folks across the gender spectrum can find exciting and kinky,” Deysach says.

Typically, when someone uses the term cuckold, it implies that humiliation is involved, she says. For some people, the act of watching a partner have sex with someone else — for instance, someone with a larger penis or more sexual skills — is humiliating, and it’s this emotional sensation that turns them on.

“But for others it can be a more open term just to refer to the thrill of watching your lover partner with another while you sit on the sidelines,” she says.

5. Discipline

According to Finn, discipline is a form of roleplay where certain acts are framed as “corrective” or as “punishment.”

This kink often involves a more dominant partner setting rules or expectations for a more submissive partner— and if the more submissive partner breaks those rules, there are consequences, Finn says.

These consequences can include physical acts like spanking or other impact play or mental and emotional acts like humiliation or testing their partner, according to Finn.

To be super-duper clear: “Disciplinary play is a form of roleplay — it shouldn’t actually be used as a way to resolve conflict with real-world repercussions,” Finn says.

6. Dominance

The D in BDSM can also stand for “dominance.”

Dominance is the act of consensually taking control or holding the power in a scene or sexual dynamic with their partner, Finn says.

While a dominant partner plays the role of “Large and In Charge,” the submissive partner should still always have autonomy over the situation, Finn says. For instance, they may negotiate the scene before play and use safewords and gestures throughout.

7. Erotic asphyxiation

Erotic asphyxiation, AKA breath play, is the act of controlling how much access you have to oxygen for the sake of power, play, and pleasure.

“When someone is choking you, they could seriously hurt you, even kill you,” says sex educator Zachary Zane, author of “Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto” and sex expert for Momentum Intimacy. This involves an element of absolute submission to that partner, he says.

Many people also enjoy the physical sensations often associated with being deprived of air, such as tingling, a spreading warmth, and quickened heart rate.

“There’s a high many people experience from it when they do finally get a gulp of air,” he says.

8. Foot fetish

A foot fetish is marked by a sexual interest in feet, which can be the entirety of the foot or focused specifically on the toes, arch of the foot, or ankle.

Some people are turned on by servicing feet, Frye-Nekrasova says, which can be accomplished with a foot massage or at-home pedicure, for instance. Other people are turned on by the idea of doing something “dirty” — feet, after all, are usually the part of the body that touches the ground and dirt beneath.

“There are so many ways to incorporate feet into your sex life,” Frye-Nekrasova says. Some people like to give a footjob, which is essentially a handjob with your feet, she says. “Meanwhile, other people enjoy the sensation of having their toes sucked, or sucking,” she says.

9. Hentai

“Hentai refers to a specific type of Japanese illustration that often depicts overtly sexual scenes and scenarios,” Deysach says.

A popular porn genre, hentai erotica often features tentacled beings, monsters, and other-worldly creatures.

“There is often an element of force and control associated with hentai porn,” Zane says. For instance, hentai-inspired fantasy could involve an octopus forcing all of its tentacles inside the receiver’s hole(s).

10. Impact play

Impact play is the broad name for sex that involves the use of hands, paddles, whips, flogs, or crops on a partner’s meatiest, or most nerve-dense, parts.

“Impact types of play can involve light playful actions or more serious and painful sensations,” Deysach says. Depending on what the consenting parties have agreed to, the impact can be a form of punishment or just delivered as part of sensational play.

For some people, for instance, a light smack on the bum while riding their partner’s dick or dildo is adequate. Meanwhile, someone else might want to be smacked with a paddle hard enough that it leaves marks.

11. Knismolagnia

The word ‘knismolagnia’ may bring to mind mystery meat, but it’s actually the name for a tickling fetish.

Folks with this fetish are turned on by the sensation of being tickled by anything from human fingers and feathers, to vibrators or electrical stimulation toys.

In some instances, the person being tickled is also tied down, but not always, Finn says.

“A tickling fetish is unique because someone is smiling and laughing while they’re being tickled, even though it is uncomfortable and intense. There really isn’t any other kink where your body responds to discomfort with a reflexive laugh,” Zane says.

So generally, tickling is considered a more “playful” kink, though it can be very intense.

12. Lactation

Being very into a lover’s body fluids is quite common — and for some people, breast milk is one of those fluids.

“Some people find the miraculousness of the human body’s ability to create milk arousing. Other people are turned on by the rarity of the experience, since lactation generally only happens after a baby is born,” Frye-Nekrasova says.

According to Frye-Nekrasova, a lactation kink may also be tied to an age gap or age play kink, where someone feels aroused at the thought of pretending to be a breast-fed baby once again.

13. Masochism

The M in BDSM and the complement to sadism, “masochism is the act of erotic enjoyment in experiencing pain, humiliation, or intense sensation, ” Finn says.

The mental or physical pain associated with masochism can be delivered by yourself or by a partner, they say.

14. Pregnancy

Even though penis-in-vagina intercourse is (usually) required for an individual to become pregnant, there’s still stigma around pregnant people being sexual, Deysach says.

According to Deysach, some people are aroused by that stigma and feel naughty when they’re turned on by pregnant folks.

“Other people might have had a particularly electric sexual experience with someone who was pregnant and now mentally associate pregnancy and hot sex,” she says.

Pregnancy kinks can also include the eroticization of lactation, darkened nipples, swollen ankles, or any other signs and symptoms of pregnancy, she says.

15. Role play

Role play is a common kink that involves pretending to be someone other than who you really are.

“There are lots of reasons why someone might want to try role playing — for some people, it’s as simple as a desire to try something new and infuse a little excitement into their sex life,” Deysach says.

According to Deysach, shedding your day-to-day persona and “becoming” someone else can be a way to let go and enjoy sex more.

“It can be a thrill and it can be a comfort,” Deysach says.

16. Sensation play

Sensation play is the broad name for types of touch that involve stimulating your nerve endings in unique ways.

Sensation play can be done by experimenting with different temperatures — for instance, with candles, wax, or ice cubes, Finn says.

It can also be explored by teasing your nerves with tools like Wartenberg wheels, feather ticklers, or electrical stimulation wands, they say.

17. Tentacles

A tentacle kink refers to someone being turned on by the idea of being penetrated or otherwise sexually engaging with tentacles or creatures that have tentacles, Deysach says.

For some people, the eroticism comes from the slipperiness or the tactile idea of a tentacle, she says.

“For others the tentacle fantasy is connected to fantasies of being restrained by or being ‘forced’ into sexual situations by an otherworldly creature,” she says.

18. Urethral sounding

“Sounding is a sexual practice of inserting metal rods into the urethra,” says sociologist and clinical sexologist Sarah Melancon with The Sex Toy Collective.

While urethral sounding can be performed on anyone with a urethra, it’s most commonly performed on the penis. The head of the penis is incredibly nerve-dense, and stimulating those nerves through urethral stimulation can be pleasurable for some people.

Plus, if you go deep enough you can touch the prostate, which may, in some cases, lead to a prostate orgasm.

19. Voyeurism

Voyeurism is a fetish where you get sexual gratification by watching other people engage in sex. It’s considered a complement to exhibitionism, where you find it arousing to have sex while other people watch.

Ethically and legally speaking, this kink can get tricky. “Folks spying on others without consent is a crime,” Deysach says.

However, it’s possible to set up consensual scenarios where you observe others having sex, she says. Consensual voyeurism could include attending sex parties, kink festivals, hiring a cam girl, or paying multiple sex workers.

20. Wax play

Sure, you’ve heard of lighting candles to set a mood — but wax play goes beyond creating an ambiance. Wax play is a type of sensation play that involves dripping wax onto your partner, or having it dripped onto you.

Some people are into wax play because it feels like dancing with danger, others are into it because the heat of the wax feels erotic when juxtaposed to the cool air of the bedroom.

Insider’s takeaway

Sex, no matter where it falls on the vanilla to kinky spectrum, is designed to bring pleasure — and that holds true whether sex is solo, partnered, or multi-partnered.

Adding elements of kink can be a wonderful way to infuse even more pleasure, intimacy, and spice into your sexy time.

Just be sure you and any potential partner(s) you’re exploring your kinks with prioritize consent, communication, and education over all else. “Before you try any kink, it’s best to educate yourself on how to explore that kink safely,” Finn says.

In a partnered setting, you also want to communicate about your individual limits and boundaries before getting down and dirty. Then, communicate from start to fireworks, they say. Communication, after all, is a prerequisite for pleasure.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Okay, So You’re Kind of, Sort of Interested in Trying Role-Play

— What Next?

By Gabrielle Kassel

Role-playing, or acting out a particular scenario or scene, isn’t just something you do with a friend before breaking up with your sensitive beau, or with a career mentor before asking for a raise. Role-play can also be used to transport any of your sexual encounters from stale to stimulating, boring to bonkers (in a good way, that is).

In a sexual sense, role-play is a term encompassing any sexual act that involves an element of “pretend,” fantasy, or make-believe for the sake of pleasure, according to Carol Queen, PhD, staff sexologist at sex-toy company Good Vibrations. To name just a few examples, sexy role-play can involve faking an accent, putting on a costume, using a thematic prop, going by a different name, pretending to be somebody else entirely, or acting out a particular power dynamic, she explains.

At a basic level, role-play can function as a way to infuse a little something new into your sex life, much like using a new vibrator might, says sex educator Searah Deysach, owner of education-focused sex shop Early to Bed, in Chicago. For some, however, role-play is also a gateway into BDSM, says Dr. Queen. “Roles can offer real context for BDSM [set-ups] that, without the roles, might seem hard to get into,” she says. Consider, for instance, how a dominant and submissive power dynamic might be easier to adopt if the person who’s going to be dominant takes on a teacher role, and the submissive acts as the student.

“Some people [can access] more pleasure when they shed their day-to-day persona and become the kind of person they imagine has the hot…sex they want to have deep down.” —Searah Deysach, sex educator

There’s also an element of role-play that can unlock more carefree sex, particularly if you’re someone who struggles to see yourself in a sexual light. “Some people [can access] more pleasure when they shed their day-to-day persona and become the kind of person they imagine has the hot, raunchy, or kinky sex they want to have deep down,” says Deysach.

No matter why you’re curious to try role-play or how it might serve your sexual goals, it can be tough to go from wanting it or imagining it to actually, well, doing it with a sexual partner(s). Below, sex educators break down how to turn any role-play fantasy into your sexual reality.

How to add role-play into your sex life with confidence, according to sex educators

1. Figure out your fantasy

If you’re reading this because you have a fully fleshed-out fantasy that you want to act out but just don’t know where to start, skip ahead to step two. But if you just think role-play could be a fun way to jazz up your bedroom activities and haven’t given it much dedicated thought beyond that, you’ll want to start by noodling on the kind of role you’d like to, well, play.

For inspiration, consider your recent porn search history, movie scenes you find particularly sexy, favorite erotica novels, or the kinds of audio erotica that really get you going, suggests Deysach.

Drawing a blank? Spend a few minutes rolling the below popular role-play ideas around in your brain and body. If you feel a little tingle or jolt thinking about any of these, that could be a sign that you’ve found something you want to try.

  • Boss/employee
  • Nurse/patient
  • Massage therapist/client
  • Plumber/stay-at-home parent
  • Firefighter/person in need of rescuing
  • Savior/damsel (or dame) in distress
  • Player/virgin

2. Talk about sex, generally speaking

It will be tough to strike up a conversation about sexual role-play with a partner if you don’t really talk about sex, period. That’s why Dr. Queen suggests first fostering a culture of open communication about sex with any sexual partner, more generally.

“Start by adding sex talk wherever you can,” says Dr. Queen. This can be simple—for instance, telling a partner, “I really liked when you did x last night” the morning after a pleasure-filled romp. Or, you can ask a question to get a sex conversation going, like, “Do you have any sexual fantasies that you’d like to try?” And if you’re not getting much in the way of a response, consider volunteering your own fantasies by asking, “Want to hear mine?” Leading with vulnerability can spark vulnerability in return.

If talking openly about your own sex life just feels too intimidating, start by discussing sex when it appears in the news, or by talking about celebrity relationships, Dr. Queen suggests. “Once you get comfortable chatting about the kind of sex you imagine, say, Pete Davidson and whomever he is currently dating have, you may feel more confident talking about your own sex life,” she says.

3. Make a “Yes/No/Maybe” list with a partner

When you’re comfortable with sex talk, level up to sex activities. To start, Dr. Queen suggests making a date night out of writing a sexual “Yes/No/Maybe” list with a partner. Just like it sounds, this list involves placing any number of different sexual acts, fantasies, toys, and positions into a “Yes,” “No,” or “Maybe” column based on your interest (or lack thereof) in trying them.

“You and your partner(s) can each make your own list, then compare lists to figure out what you might want to add to your sex lives,” says Dr. Queen. If both of your lists slot “role-play” in either the “Yes” or “Maybe” column, you can use that as a stepping stone to talk about what elements of sexual role-play intrigue you and why, and to share role-play fantasies.

4. Discuss role-playing in more detail

There’s a B-I-G difference between dirty talking in a fake British accent and greeting a partner in bed with a stethoscope around your neck and latex gloves sheathing your hands. In other words, agreeing to role-play with a partner isn’t enough to get started; you need to get specific about who, why, and when you’ll be role-playing, says Dr. Queen.

To do so, consider asking each other the below questions:

  • What are some names you do (or do not) want to be called?
  • What are some costumes or outfits you want to wear (or take off me)?
  • What tone of voice do you want to use (or hear)?
  • When is the scene over?
  • How will you signal if you want to exit the scene early?
  • What aftercare practices should we implement after trying this?

“As with any new sexy thing that you want to try, being direct and honest with your lover is usually the best approach,” says Deysach. Let them know what you want to experience, and give them an opportunity to share their desires, too.

If they express hesitation, avoid pressuring them to say “yes,” but don’t give up all hope, either, says Deysach. “You might instead offer [role-play] as something to think about and then plan to revisit it in the future.”

5. Get educated on safe role-play practices

If your role-play fantasy veers into BDSM territory—for example, involving power imbalance, consensual non-consent, choking, breath restriction, or the like—you’d be wise to spend some time learning about how to safely explore these kinks before acting, says Dr. Queen.

The book The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge by Tristan Taormino and the podcast Why Are People Into That?! with Tina Horn are good starting points. You might also look into taking an online or in-person workshop on the topic of role-play or BDSM from a sex-positive sex education brand like Babeland, Hacienda, or Velvet Lips, or from sex therapist Rachel Wright, LMFT.

6. Order any on-theme props you might need (or want)

No, you don’t need to drop coin on a sexy costume, nor do you need to order an on-theme dildo to match your role-play fantasy. But that doesn’t detract from the fact that these detail-oriented additions can certainly add to the overall experience, taking it from cerebral to corporeal. So, if you have rainy-day savings, fund your fantasy by ordering, for example, a tentacle dildo or a nurse get-up.

7. Keep it simple

If you want your sexual role-play experience to be as elaborate as, say, a Games of Thrones set, go for it. But it’s also important to acknowledge that it doesn’t have to be. Phew. “You and your partner can have a role-play experience where you do not change anything from your typical sexual encounter except what you wear or what you call each other,” says Dr. Queen.

For your first time, in particular, it may be useful to remove the pressure of setting the scene or deviating drastically from your typical sexual setup, and just keep it simple, instead, says Dr. Queen. This can help you avoid feeling overwhelmed (which is not exactly a sexy emotion).

8. Start digitally

Virtual sex isn’t just a good option for when you’re navigating a positive COVID test or just being COVID-conscious; it’s also a great medium for experimenting with role-play for the first time.

“Many may find that slipping into a new role in the digital realm can be very fulfilling,” says Deysach. Text, in particular, can be a good modality for role-play beginners because it gives everyone involved the gift of time between responses to craft a scene and dialogue that feels hot and well-aligned with the roles in question. Just make sure you and a partner agree on when you’ll be starting the virtual role-play ahead of time so that they know what is going on when they start receiving texts from a new persona, Deysach adds.

9. Consider working with a sex professional

Single? Polyamous but don’t have a partner who is game for role-play? Consider hiring a sexuality professional, suggests Deysach. Phone-sex operators, virtual doms/dommes, and in-person sex workers are very skilled at role playing and can help facilitate the role-play scene of your dreams, she says.

A professional is a particularly sound option for individuals who have a very specific fantasy they want to act out, as well as those who want to make love to a very particular character, adds Deysach. After all, so long as it respects the sex professional’s boundaries, the scene you enact doesn’t have to align with their sexual tastes in the way that it would with those of a sexual partner.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Start Your Own Later-in-Life Sexual Revolution

— How to rediscover sexual intimacy and passion as you age

By Ellen Uzelac

Securing an early check-in for Room 200 at a Quality Inn on a nondescript highway at noon was like leading a high-level trade negotiation. It took one reservation clerk and two supervisors to sign off on the only time we had that week to grab an hour of pleasure. Blame it on my raging libido and a scheduling crunch. Motel sex or nothing? Nothing is not the correct answer.

After a five-year sex drought, I am in a sexual relationship again. At times, it’s all I can think about. When I see Ed, the sex usually comes first.

Who knew, in my 60s, that sex could feel this powerful? I had missed my sexual self, and for me now there is a sense of urgency around it that I’ve never experienced before. That urgency only makes the sex hotter. I think Ed would tell you the same.

Sex and intimacy disappeared from my landscape when my husband died. Their presence in my life had in part defined me. So did their absence. At some point, I started referring to myself as “celibate.” It seemed more like a glass half-full approach. It’s just a word but it made me feel better — as though I had agency, a choice in the matter. Then I reconnected with Ed, a man I had profiled for a local magazine decades ago. He’d unearthed the article I’d written during a move and found me.

Finally, I figured, I was having sex again, just like everyone else.

Ellen Uzelac
The author at home on Maryland’s Eastern Shore.

But what I discovered in conversations with friends, sexual wellness professionals and physicians is that a lot of older people in committed relationships aren’t having sex at all. And while many couples are OK with that, others, understandably, are distraught about it.

 

One man I talked to told me his wife informed him when she turned 60 that she was done with sex. That was eight years ago. A woman I know says she misses the “sex bunny” she used to be but that her sex drive shut down when she was in her mid-50s. As she frames it: “We could do it, but it would be pitiful. You get sore and you get tired. What we’ve got left are memories.”

Another friend, in her 70s, has turned increasingly to self-pleasure as her husband of 50 years continues to withdraw his physical affection. He won’t tell her why.

“Why aren’t we sitting down and figuring it out? Why do we let go of something that’s so rich and powerful and joyful?” she says. “It’s a deep sadness for me.”

Sad, yes—and also the norm for many couples. In fact, a 2018 National Poll on Healthy Aging sponsored by AARP and the University of Michigan found that among men and women ages 65 to 80, only 40 percent were still having sex. Even among those who were in relationships, the rate was a mere 54 percent.

Margery Kates, M.D., my gynecologist, calls the sex drought an epidemic among folks 50 and older. But it’s an epidemic without a name because no one’s talking about it.

“It’s a real problem,” Kates notes. “There’s a lot in the academic literature that’s coming out now. Has that awareness translated to patients? Not really.”

One of the biggest contributors to the sex drought is a failure to communicate. Many of us don’t have the words to express even the simplest concepts and concerns around sex — not to our partners and not to our physicians.

“Sexual health is one of the most challenging things for us to discuss,” says Wendy Strgar, founder of Good Clean Love, a sexual wellness products company in Eugene, Oregon. “So it becomes an avoidance issue. Sex becomes this thing we don’t do.”

And a lot of older couples aren’t doing it in part because of conditions associated with aging that can be easily treated: erectile difficulties, vaginal dryness, a testosterone deficiency, low libido. Once sex becomes a bit challenging, psychological issues can take over, says Irwin Goldstein, M.D., director of San Diego Sexual Medicine. Erectile dysfunction, for example, “can be devastating to a guy,” he says. “If you want to be intimate and you can’t get hard, your entire ego, your value as a male, your self-esteem shatters.”

Fear of discussing sex can be the biggest barrier to having sex, especially when it comes to getting help. “Many men are reluctant to consult with a urologist or sexual medicine physician,” Goldstein says. Yet there’s a whole array of treatments: hormones, ED pills, injectables, vacuum devices, restriction rings and shock wave therapy, among them. “If a man has a penis, then a man can get an erection,” he says. “There are very few who can’t be treated.”

There are also medical conditions—a bad back or arthritis, for example—that can make it difficult to have sex. In that event, couples may opt to explore what the sexual wellness community calls outercourse: masturbation, oral sex, cuddling, rubbing, fantasizing, sex toys.

I had forgotten how warm and wonderful it feels to want and to be wanted. When I drive to Ed’s, my body often tingles in anticipation. No wonder sex is good for you. Among many other well-documented health benefits, it improves sleep, clears the mind, releases natural painkillers and creates a sense of well-being that, for me, is like no other.

I spoke to Abraham Morgentaler, M.D., the author of The Truth About Men and Sex: Intimate Secrets from the Doctor’s Office and an associate professor of urology at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center and Harvard Medical School in Boston. “Sex is this magic sauce for couples. It’s something that is not only incredibly intimate, but it involves a primitive part of our brain that creates this sense of partnership, exclusivity and intimacy. Once that disappears in a relationship, a lot is lost.”

I know what that loss feels like. To be on the other side of it is magical, as Morgentaler says. But it took some work to get here. I, like most women my age, experience vaginal dryness that can make sexual intercourse painful. A medically prescribed estrogen cream and an over-the-counter lubricant have been game changers. And I’m not the only one experiencing a sexual renaissance: Despite the fact that older women have less sex than men, a study by the National Council on Aging found that women in their 60s often rated their physical satisfaction with sex as equal to or better than it was in their 40s.

Yet many of us remain uninformed about our sexual health as we age. But we can take some lessons from those around us, who have made it work, joyfully.

Real People, Real Sex

Michelle Paris and Kevin Porter
Michelle and Kevin, married three years. Lexey Swall Michelle, 59, & Kevin, 63

When Michelle Paris started dating Kevin Porter in 2015, she was 52 — and on the other side of menopause. Among other common side effects, she suffered from vaginal atrophy, or dryness.

“Having sex was like rubbing my vagina against a carpet. It was painful,” says Paris, whose novel, New Normal, will be published this spring. “I went to a gynecologist when we got serious to explore what alternatives there were.”

Paris’ fix? A vaginal estrogen cream that has made sexual intercourse comfortable again.

“When you’re single in your 50s, it creates this anxiety around your body and your sexuality,” adds Paris, who lives in Elkridge, Maryland. “Everyone comes to middle age with so much baggage. I kept telling myself that if I remained alone, I’d be OK. But Kevin and I are compatible in every way. To this day, I get giddy when he touches me.”

Paris and Porter, who met on the OurTime dating site, wed in 2020.

“I tease Kevin about my taking old lady cream,” says Paris. “But, in all honesty, it saved me.”

Billie Best and Roger Emmert
Billie and Roger in Oregon. Celeste Noche Billie, 68, & Roger, 67

“Instant physical chemistry.” That’s how wellness blogger Billie Best sums up her first date with Roger Emmert. The couple, both in their late 60s, had sung in the same choir as teens, but they hadn’t seen each other in more than five decades until early 2020, when they reconnected on Facebook.

“We were very attracted to each other physically,” says the Eugene, Oregon-based Best, creator of the Billie Best Blog: Aging Beyond 60—Loving Life, Staying Relevant. “We had both been single for years. Sex and intimacy? It had been forever.”

During that sex drought, what Best describes as the “geography between my legs” had grown dry as a result of age-related vaginal atrophy, and both she and Emmert, a hot tub salesman, have joint issues with knees and hips. Their preference at this stage in life is oral sex and skin-to-skin contact throughout the day.

“One of the benefits of being older is that you’re clear on what you want, what your boundaries are, who you are as a person,” says Best.

“Older sex is slower, it’s not gymnastic. It’s about finding ways to give each other pleasure. I just love going slow, really drawing out the experience and taking time for it. I only see it getting better and better.”

Raven Wylde and Istvan Szilvassy
Raven and Istvan in California. Yuri Hasegawa Istvan, 73, & Raven, 67

Twice a week, Istvan Szilvassy and his wife, Raven Wylde, find time for a lingering sexual encounter that leaves them “fulfilled” and “happy.”

“What we do is colorful and sexy and stimulating. We talk about it. We believe in it,” Szilvassy says. “We do everything to please each other. And there are all kinds of tools to make that happen.”

Szilvassy, an artist known professionally as Pali X Mano, hasn’t had reliable erections for the better part of a decade, so he takes a medically prescribed pill in advance of their sex dates.

The Santa Barbara, California, couple face “the usual challenges” with sex and aging, according to Wylde, a retired nurse. Both of them have arthritis, which has caused them to modify their positioning during sex. Wylde also uses an estrogen cream to treat vaginal dryness.

It wasn’t until she was in her 50s, Wylde says, that she began to value slow, languorous sex that is as much about her pleasure as her partner’s.

“I just love slowing everything down and savoring it,” she says. “Sex at this stage is so much more fun. When you’re older, you let a lot of self-criticism go. It’s liberating.”

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Can Marijuana Lead To Stronger, More Orgasms During Sex?

— Here’s What This Study Showed

By Bruce Y. Lee

Talk about getting into the weeds. A study recently published in the Journal of Cannabis Research came to an interesting conclusion: that cannabis could potentially be used to treat sexual dysfunctions. In the study, which was an online survey of 811 people, over 70% of respondents reported increased sexual desire and orgasm intensity with marijuana use. And over 40% of the women surveyed indicated “increased ability to have more than one orgasm per sexual encounter.” Now, these results may sound dope. But before you ditch the haircut, the candles, the steady paycheck, or anything else that may enhance sexual arousal in favor of the ganja, consider the limitations of this study.

This study entailed administering an online survey to a convenience sample of adults ages 18 years and older who had indicated histories of cannabis use. In fact, 62.6% of the respondents reported using cannabis on a daily basis with 59.8% intentionally using cannabis before engaging in sex. Now, this probably wasn’t a typical sample of people. A convenience sample doesn’t mean that these were folks found outside a convenience store. It meant that the research team from East Carolina University (Amanda Moser, MS, Sharon M. Ballard, PhD, and Jake Jensen, PhD) and North Carolina State University (Paige Averett, PhD) simply chose folks who happened to be conveniently available rather than a random sample from all-comers, so to speak. So it’s difficult to tell how biased this sample may have been. Thus, results from this survey may not really represent what the general population might say.

Survey respondents did range in age from 18 to 85 years. But it did skew younger with an average age of 32.11. They were predominantly White (78.9%) and college-educated (80.1%) with 64.9% identifying as female. Close to a quarter (23.1%) of the respondents identified as LGBTQIA+. Nearly three-quarters (73.7%) of the respondents indicated that they were in monogamous sexual relationships.

The survey asked folks a bunch of questions about their cannabis use as well as their sensuality and experiences, functioning, and levels of arousal during sex, including masturbation. This included specific questions about achieving orgasms and maintaining erections and lubrication.

Of the 811 respondents, 601 felt that cannabis either slightly or significantly increased their sexual desire with such perceptions being higher for women than men. And 582 believed that cannabis slightly or significantly increased the intensity of their orgasms with no clear difference between men and women. Cannabis seemed to help folks feel like they were more masters of their own domain too, so to speak, with a majority of respondents (507 or 62.5%) reporting either slightly or significantly increased pleasure while masturbating.

So did the research team get a sense of what might have been going on here? Well, 71.9% of respondents did report slight or significant increases in the sense of taste with cannabis use. In this case, increases in taste didn’t mean that they started dressing like Anne Hathaway. Rather, they had a heightened sensitivity to tasting things with their tongues and mouths. A similar percentage (71.0%) of respondents reported slight or significant increases in touch.

This also might have been a “relax do do it” situation, too, as 87.7% of respondents reported slight-to-significant increases in relaxation during sex. Two tents may be helpful in camping, but being too tense is not going to help you orgasm and enjoy sex. Thus, it would make sense that relaxation could help enhance sex.

Speaking of relaxation, the survey results did address one standing concern that men may have about cannabis and their penises. There is the belief that the muscle relaxation properties of cannabis could decrease the ability of a penis to achieve and maintain an erection. Of course, an erection isn’t a muscle-bound thing. Your penis, if you have one, doesn’t have that much muscle so don’t try lifting a barbell with it. Instead, an erection is blood filling the corpora cavernosa of the penis like air in a balloon animal thing. Well, based on the survey results, it wasn’t hard to see that cannabis didn’t seem to bring any erection fraud to the respondents. Most of the male respondents indicated no decrease in the ability to achieve (93.4%) or maintain (92.4%) an erection.

Of course, this study was far from avocado toast, meaning that it was far from perfect. Again, it was a convenience sample of cannabis users. So it could have selected for people who already believed that marijuana enhanced their sex lives. As you can imagine, if you already believe that something, like dressing up like Captain America, will aid your sex life, there’s a decent chance that it will via the placebo effect.

Furthermore, survey responses don’t always reflect what people truly feel or experience. Whenever you ask someone a question that includes the word “erection,” you may not always get an honest answer. For example, if you were to ask someone in the supermarket, “Where do you keep the cauliflower and are you able to maintain an erection,” chances are you will find the answer to only one of those things.

It would have been more accurate to have directly observed all of the study participants during sex, but that could have been really creepy and resulted in a lot of, “Hey, schmoopie, who’s that person with the tablet in the room with us?” questions followed by, “Oh, it’s just for some study that I signed up for so that I could get money to buy you dinner.”

The study also didn’t include any objective measures of arousal and orgasms. These would include physiological data like heart rate and body temperature or the number of times one utters something like, “Don’t stop”, “Oh, my gosh,”, “Oh, Jason Mamoa,” or “linguini” during sex. Uttering “linguini” during sex, though, could mean that the person is really excited or just really hungry.

Moreover, the survey did not ask about a number of other things that may have affected the sexual experience. For example, there was no sense of what medications and other substances each person was taking. And speaking of marijuana, it wasn’t clear what the person was eating as well. There are other things that can affect sex, too, such as amount of physical activity, general health, job satisfaction, the presence of a support network, the level of interest between the partners, the number of pillows on the bed, and whether “Slave to Love” by Bryan Ferry is playing in the background.

Finally, the survey didn’t measure the dosage of marijuana used. Naturally, a gram of marijuana would be quite different from 100 metric tons. Accordingly, future studies may want to help establish how the dosage of marijuana may relate to the aforementioned effects.

While this study is not the first to show associations between marijuana use and increased sensation and relaxation, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you should discard other means of increasing sexual excitement and start using marijuana. It’s still not clear what repeated use of marijuana may eventually do to your body. For example, studies have suggested that cannabis use could potentially have long-term effects on your brain, as summarized by the National Institute for Drug Abuse (NIDA). And while sacrificing your brain for your penis and vagina may seem like a fair trade, you should wait for more studies to truly determine what this trade-off may be. Nevertheless, this study does raise the possibility that cannabis could eventually be helpful for those with true sexual dysfunction that can’t otherwise be solved. That’s assuming that other options have been weeded out already.

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5 Facts All Men Should Know About Sexual Problems and Dysfunction

Male sexual dysfunction can include a wide variety of problems, ranging from low libido, erectile dysfunction (ED), premature ejaculation, and other issues. While many men know that these issues are common, they can be difficult to talk about. In fact, many men wait several months, or even years, before raising the issue with their primary care physician.

Thankfully, both normal and abnormal male sexual function are now better understood medically than ever before. Dr. Sharon Parish, Professor of Medicine in Clinical Psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medicine, maintains an active faculty practice specializing in sexual medicine. “I use an integrated, holistic approach, looking at the whole man,” explained Dr. Parish. “Often, men will first see a urologist and then are referred to me for a more detailed evaluation and discussion of their overall health.”

Here, Dr. Parish shares her insight as to the connection between male sexual, physical, and mental health.

Sexual problems may signal a cardiovascular or other medical issues

“Any man that experiences a change in libido, erection, or ejaculation should bring this up to their primary care physician,” said Dr. Parish. Any issue that lasts for several months may indicate a more serious medical issue that should be addressed:

  • Early ejaculation can develop because of medication, nerve damage, or other direct urinary conditions
  • A change in libido or erection may be the first sign of diabetes
  • Problems with libido or erection may be related to a hormonal imbalance
  • Problems with erection may be a sign of a cardiovascular issue or prostate cancer

There is a strong link between sexual function and mental health

Mental health issues — including depression, anxiety, and other psychiatric illnesses — can lead to many different types of sexual disorders. “It’s clear that there is a strong connection between ED and depression,” asserted Dr. Parish. “Women, on the other hand, who experience depression are more likely to see a decrease in libido. It’s very important to diagnose the psychiatric illness first to improve sexual function.”

Sexual function is often improved by addressing, managing, and alleviating anxiety and depression. “There are many helpful therapies,” Dr. Parish explained, “including mindfulness, cognitive behavioral therapy, and relaxation techniques to help one be more present in the experience and enjoy it more fully.”

Medications for mental illness may cause sexual function changes, to varying degrees

“There is a wide misconception that the medications for mental illness cause sexual problems, but the data is clear that sexual function is more likely to improve when the mental illness is treated,” said Dr. Parish. “It’s not a good idea to avoid the medication because of the potential side effects.”

Fifty to 70 percent of men do not experience any sexual side effects from medications, and men taking medications for serious psychiatric disorders are more likely to experience a sexual side effect.

“If you do experience sexual problems as a result of a medication,” Dr. Parish explained, “work with your doctor to manage the side effects. Several drugs are known to produce lesser side effects.”

Again, Dr. Parish emphasized the importance of mental health for sexual health. “The key,” she stated, “is to treat the mental disorder and then the sexual disorder. It’s best to get the condition treated and work with the doctor to manage the side effects.”

With age, some changes in sexual function are normal

Some changes in sexual drive, performance, and function are normal parts of aging. “As men get older,” said Dr. Parish, “they may need more time for foreplay or direct stimulation. If this isn’t enough to improve normal age-related changes in sexual function, sex therapy can be very beneficial.”

However, if the changes are dramatic or difficult to work through, Dr. Parish suggested talking to a primary care physician. “Your doctor can help you differentiate normal changes from more problematic issues, including medical issues,” she said. “Don’t assume it’s a normal change that comes from getting older.”

Improving overall health can improve sexual performance

Dr. Parish ascribes to the “biopsychosocial model” for overall and sexual health. “There is so much interconnectivity when it comes to our health,” she explained. “It’s important to take a holistic view.”

Indeed, cardiovascular, neurological, hormonal, and psychological systems all interact together for sexual performance. A healthy lifestyle can significantly help improve sexual function — improving diet, achieving and maintaining a healthy weight, and exercising regularly all help promote greater overall health and, therefore, greater sexual health.

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Can a monogamous couple happily become nonmonogamous?

— It’s possible but not easy, experts say.

Exploring ethical nonmonogamy isn’t always easy for couples who have been monogamous in the past.

By Ian Kerner

Can a monogamous couple become nonmonogamous? Of course, they can — but do these couples survive and thrive? What are the pitfalls and what are the pleasures?

More and more I’m seeing couples in my practice of all ages who have always been in monogamous relationships but now are seriously thinking about opening up their relationships. They are young couples just starting out, couples with young kids and a mortgage, and empty nesters looking to find their wings.

The reasons for taking the leap vary. Often one or both partners may be feeling sexually dissatisfied in the primary relationship — it may be boredom, mismatched libidos or a desire to explore new horizons. Sometimes there’s a hunger for the excitement and energy that come when people first connect with someone new. It’s also possible one or both partners don’t believe in monogamy. For some couples, sex has always been an issue, even though the rest of the relationship works.

No matter the reason, interest in nonmonogamy — participation in nonexclusive sexual relationships — is on the rise. In a 2020 study of 822 currently monogamous people by Kinsey Institute research fellow Justin Lehmiller, nearly one-third said that having an open relationship was their favorite sexual fantasy, and 80% wanted to act on it.

What happens if your relationship starts off as monogamous, and you or your partner change your mind? That doesn’t have to doom your relationship, Lehmiller said. “Research suggests that relationship quality is actually quite similar in monogamous and consensually nonmonogamous relationships,” he said. “Both relationship styles can work well — and both can fail, too.”

I believe the key to successful nonmonogamy is in one word: consensual. Known as ethical nonmonogamy, this approach is different from monogamous relationships in which partners cheat on each other. An ethically nonmonogamous relationship involves two people who identify as a couple but who are not committed to a traditional relationship, according to sexologist Yvonne Fulbright.

“They’ve given each other the opportunity to date or have sex with other people independently,” said Fulbright, who is based in Iceland. “Often a key component in these relationships working out is that the other relationship is only sexual, not romantic or emotional. There’s no deception about engaging in sex with others.”

Some couples may find ethical nonmonogamy easier than others. That includes those who have discussed the possibility of an open relationship from the beginning as well as LGBTQ couples. “In my experience, gay and queer couples have more ease with nonmonogamy,” New York-based sex therapist Dulcinea Alex Pitagora said.

“They’ve had to do more introspection and communication around their sexual or gender identity,” Pitagora said. “This additional time spent understanding who they are, what they want, and learning how to communicate it dovetails very smoothly into communicating about nonmonogamy.”

For couples who choose to open their relationships ethically, there can be benefits. “Nonmonogamy can be fulfilling and a catalyst for self-growth,” Wisconsin-based sex therapist Madelyn Esposito said. “This self-growth can deepen understanding and desire for your primary partner as you have the space to explore yourself and your own sexual needs outside of relational confines.”

In an open relationship there is often less pressure to have all your sexual needs met from your partner, Florida-based sex therapist Rachel Needle said. “And there is less pressure on you to meet all of your partner’s sexual needs. This gives you the opportunity to enjoy sexual activity with your partner but do it without added tension or anxiety.”

Sometimes the heat generated outside the bedroom even finds its way back into the primary relationship. “Many nonmonogamous folks find that partner variety revs up their libido, and that this transfers over into increased sex in the primary relationship,” Lehmiller said. “Something else we’ve found in our research is that, beyond sex, these relationships can also mutually reinforce each other. Specifically, being more satisfied with a secondary partner actually predicts being more committed to the primary partner.”

But making the leap into ethical nonmonogamy isn’t always easy for couples who have been historically monogamous. Often, one partner is “driving,” and the other is a reluctant passenger going along for the ride. Sometimes a couple can’t agree on what constitutes nonmonogamy (casual sex with different people versus repeatedly seeing one person), or they can’t agree on rules (posting a profile online, staying overnight, bringing someone home, no kissing).

One partner might be worried about the social stigma if others find out or just can’t get beyond all the cultural messaging that idealizes monogamy. Nonmonogamy can trigger strong feelings such as jealousy and possessiveness. “Even bringing it up as a curiosity can feel threatening to some couples/partners,” Fulbright said.

What should you consider if ethical nonmonogamy is on your mind?

There are any number of positive motivators for couples to try nonmonogamy, but what you don’t want to do is rely on nonmonogamy to slap a Band-Aid on existing problems. “Using nonmonogamy to fix a relationship is as effective as having a baby to fix a relationship — it’s a terrible idea,” said Rebecca Sokoll, a psychotherapist in New York City. “You need a strong and healthy relationship to make the transition to nonmonogamy.”

Don’t do it to distance yourself from your partner. “Ethical nonmonogamy can also be a defense mechanism, a delay tactic, a hide-and-seek game and an aversion to closeness,” said Minnesota-based psychotherapist Hanna Zipes Basel, who specializes in this area. “I see couples succeed when they enter nonmonogamy with an already secure functioning relationship, when they are both equally desiring nonmonogamy, and/or they have had prior experience or done their homework.”

“Get educated on the wide array of philosophies, structures and agreements that are possible in the ethical nonmonogamy world through books, podcasts and articles,” suggested sex therapist Sari Cooper, who directs the Center for Love and Sex in New York. “Journal about what each of you is looking for through this transition and discuss these goals with your partner to see if you’re on the same page and, if not, what overlaps or compromises might work.”

There’s no doubt that ethical nonmonogamy requires communication — and lots of it. “I suggest a ‘what if’ conversation before anyone takes anything into action,” Los Angeles-based sex therapist Tammy Nelson advised. “Talking about the potential positives as well as the pitfalls of a possible exploration can prevent problems that could come up later. The more you talk about the issues before they happen the better.”

A therapist experience in working with couples pursuing ethical nonmonogamy can help you weigh the potential pros and cons, guide you through the process and provide you with a neutral, safe space to discuss things.

Determine what ethical nonmonogamy looks like to you both and agree on your parameters — more rigid rules may be best when starting out — and plan to keep the conversation going.

“I see dozens of couples a year who come to therapy to try and negotiate their expectations in advance,” said Kimberly Resnick Anderson, a sex therapist in Los Angeles. “Couples who do their homework ahead of time have a much better success rate than couples who jump right in without preparation.

“Even couples who prep responsibly are often surprised by their reactions to certain situations and need to renegotiate boundaries.”

In my professional experience, the couples who succeed at nonmonogamy often don’t require many rules at all, because they trust each other, prioritize the primary relationship and hold each other in mind throughout the process.

If ethical nonmonogamy doesn’t work for you — or leads to a breakup — that doesn’t mean it’s a loss. “Consider a couple with children who, without ethical nonmonogamy, would have split up, and for whom nonmonogamy stabilizes their relationship,” New Jersey-based sex therapist Margie Nichols said.

“Eventually, that stability doesn’t last, but ethical nonmonogamy allows the couple to uncouple consciously and take time with the process,” Nichols said. “Because of the thoughtfulness, the family can remain living together or near each other and still love and care for each other, and there is no bitterness or rancor between the two. I’d call that a success — despite divorce.”

In the end, couples who succeed are fiercely committed to their primary relationship: They protect it, cherish it and care for it. They ensure that their foundation is solid and secure, and they continue to grow and expand as a couple in ways beyond sex. Nonmonogamy may be an exciting new chapter for a couple, but it doesn’t mean the story of their relationship comes to an end. It should feel like an exciting beginning.

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Here she comes

— Closing the orgasm gap

By Cat Tang

When Sophia Wright finished the deed with her high school boyfriend, she looked over at him and thought: “This can’t be it, right?”

It was only until years later, when she got to university, that she first heard of the term “orgasm gap.” Since then, Wright has learned more about her sex life and orgasm equality.

“I didn’t even really know what an orgasm was for a woman at that time,” says Wright, now a fourth-year psychology and gender, sexuality and women’s studies student.

The orgasm gap is the difference in orgasm rates between men and women during partnered sexual experiences. In general, men are much more likely to experience orgasm than women.

“I was also still focused on, ‘Well, I’m not supposed to come, so why does it matter?’” says Wright, describing her mindset back in high school. “You get fed this narrative for such a long time — you do have to retrain yourself and unlearn these harmful things.”

A 2017 study analyzing a sample of over 50,000 United States adults found a significant gap in frequency of orgasm during sex between heterosexual men and women. Heterosexual and gay men reported orgasming 95 and 89 per cent of the time respectively, whereas bisexual and heterosexual women were the lowest, orgasming 66 and 65 per cent of the time. Bisexual men and lesbian women were reported to orgasm 88 and 86 per cent of the time.

Jaclyn Siegel, a social psychologist who completed her PhD at Western University in 2021, now teaches at San Diego State University. Siegel has a whole lecture dedicated to the orgasm gap in her psychology of human sexual behaviour course.

“We talk about sexual empowerment, sexual equality and the playing field being even now for women and men in heterosexual hookups — but it’s not true,” says Siegel.

Siegel says there are a variety of factors that affect the orgasm gap, one being poor understanding of female sexual anatomy and the type of stimulation needed for someone with female sexual anatomy to orgasm. This often includes clitoral stimulation.

“There’s an ongoing cultural joke that no one knows where the clitoris is, which is not funny. It’s sort of pathetic,” says Siegel. 

But lack of information about female sexual anatomy is almost universal. Oftentimes, young women don’t know much about their sexual anatomy either, creating a huge barrier in communicating with their partners about how they can reach an orgasm.

Wright didn’t know she had a clitoris until she was 15 years old — she didn’t even know what it looked like.

“I took a mirror and I was like, ‘Where the fuck is it?’” says Wright.

Looking back, Wright is astounded at just how little she knew about her own body. She recalls not even knowing urine came out of the urethra until she watched an episode of Orange is the New Black.

Her Ontario public school sex education was unhelpful. She never learned about masturbation, pleasure or orgasms in school.

The lack of information she received about female sexual anatomy — along with feeling like she wasn’t as thin as attractive women were typically depicted in the media — led her to feel shame about her body.

“I still feel shame around my vagina,” says Wright. “That was something when I got to university that I really had to get through: ‘Why am I feeling so much shame towards my own body? Why do I hate this part of my body so much?’ I felt so bad for people having sex with me.”

This self-consciousness led Wright to decline oral sex — a common way for people with female sexual anatomy to reach clitorial stimulation and achieve an orgasm — even when her partners offered.

Siegel says predominating sexual scripts — cultural attitudes and norms towards how sex is supposed to go — priotitizes those with male sexual anatomy over those with female sexual anatomy.

“If you genuinely believe a sexual experience is over as soon as a person with male sexual anatomy has an orgasm, you might not feel entitled to an orgasm because you think the sexual experience is over,” says Siegel.

While Siegel does cite men’s sexual entitlement as a contributing factor to the orgasm gap, she adds it’s important to not paint all men with broad strokes.

“In conversations, people are very quick to blame men for the orgasm gap. But women contribute to this by not telling their partners what type of stimulation they need,” says Siegel. “It’s not necessarily that men don’t want to help, they might not know how.”

A 2021 study found that when women are socialized to be more sexually assertive, it can lead to more frequent orgasms and higher sexual satisfaction.

Siegel attributes the patriarchy as the reasoning behind a woman’s hesitation in communicating what they sexually like. Women may feel like their pleasure doesn’t matter to their partner, or that speaking up may hurt their partner’s feelings and make them feel inadequate.

This leads to another factor Siegel strongly believes contributes to the orgasm gap: women faking their orgasms.

A 2015 study surveying 4,685 university students at the University of Maine found that 70 per cent of sexually-active women reported having faked an orgasm.

“When you lie to your partner by pretending you’ve had an orgasm, they don’t learn how to actually give you an orgasm. You reinforce behaviours that didn’t produce the outcome you wanted,” says Siegel.

While Wright has never faked an orgasm personally, she understands why many others do.

“I think a lot of women do it because sex sometimes is super fucking boring,” says Wright. “Sex just sucks sometimes. It’s like: ‘How do I get this over with? Let me make the loudest porn moaning noise that I can for me to get the fuck out of this.’”

Wright’s journey to sexual empowerment has been long and ongoing. She says it’s taken a lot of unlearning predominating sexual narratives and ideas of what women’s bodies are supposed to look like to get to where she is today.

Her current partner noticed she was struggling to orgasm during their first few months of dating, when they bought her a vibrator to throw into the mix. An attentive partner and a shift towards a more positive mindset about her own body has resulted in a vast improvement in Wright’s sex life.

Another thing Wright’s learned? She’s allowed to finish first.

“We should all be pursuing positive sexual experience,” says Siegel. “There are a variety of ways we can move toward orgasm equality, some of which are on women, some of which are on men.”

According to Siegel, there’s still work to be done — talking more about female sexual pleasure and learning more about the bodies of people with female sexual anatomy are just the start.

“You must understand your own body before you hope someone else will understand it,” says Siegel. “Get comfortable with yourself, figure out ways to make yourself feel good.”

Exploring your body comes in many different forms, from masturbation to experimenting with sex toys. Once you understand how you receive pleasure, it’s crucial to communicate that to your partner and emphasize your sexual pleasure is important too.

If your partner is unresponsive? Leave. 

“The only people who are worth having sex with, are the people who are willing to do what they need to do to give you a positive sexual experience,” says Siegel. 

An orgasm isn’t essential to having a satisfying sexual experience, but for many, it’s an enjoyable part. Bringing more attention to the orgasm gap is essential to achieving orgasm equality. 

“People deserve to have pleasure,” says Wright. “It’s jarring when we see men receiving that pleasure more than women.”

As for Wright’s high school boyfriend? She got rid of him a long time ago. Her current partner is attentive and lets her feel her pleasure is important too.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is the Refractory Period?

— The Temporary Loss of Sexual Desire and Function After Orgasm

By James Myhre & Dennis Sifris, MD

In human sexuality, the refractory period is the length of time after an orgasm during which a person is not sexually responsive. The refractory period can vary from one person to the next but is strongly influenced by a person’s age, biological sex, and libido (sex drive).

The refractory period is more often used to describe the phase following an orgasm in which a male is physiologically unable to achieve an erection (“get hard”) and have another orgasm or ejaculation. Depending on the individual, the refractory period can last for minutes to days.1

Because females can often have multiple orgasms, it is generally thought that they either do not have a refractory period or that the refractory period lasts for only a brief moment.2

This is not to suggest that a person’s physiological makeup is the sole determining factor for how long or short the refractory period is. A person’s psychological makeup also contributes to whether they desire sex or feel sexually satiated after orgasm.

This article takes a closer look at the refractory period in males and females and how physiology and psychology factor in. It also explores if there are ways to shorten the refractory period and achieve multiple orgasms.

Gender Definitions

In this article, “male” is used to describe people with penises while “female” is used to describe people with vaginas despite the gender or genders they identify with. The sex and gender terms used in cited material will be retained.

Refractory Period and the Sexual Response

The refractory period is one component of the four phases of the sexual response, classically described as:3

  • Excitement: This is when you get sexually aroused by physical or mental stimuli such as touch, kissing, fantasizing, or viewing erotic images.
  • Plateau: This is the period of increasing sexual excitement during which the penis, vagina, and clitoris will engorge with blood and become highly sensitive.
  • Orgasm: This is the spontaneous release of sexual energy accompanied by rapid contractions of the lower pelvic muscles, including ejaculation (the forceful discharge of semen in males).
  • Resolution: This is when the body gradually returns to its normal level of functioning, and swelled or erect body parts return to their normal sizes.

 

Part of Resolution Phase

The refractory period is part of the resolution phase during which a person needs to recover before they can have another orgasm.

The term “refractory period” does not apply to just sex. The term is used in neuroscience to describe the span of time following the response of a nerve or muscle before it can respond again.4

In this respect, the nonresponsive time following orgasm can be described as the physiological refractory period.

While this may suggest that the refractory period is mainly physiological, it is important to remember that hormones influence your emotions during the sexual response. Even beyond hormones, how you feel and behave can dictate whether arousal and orgasms are possible.

As such, your ability to have another orgasm is dictated not only by whether you “can” physically but also if you “can” emotionally. This might be referred to as the psychological refractory period.

Refractory Period in Males

The refractory period in males is poorly understood but is thought to be influenced directly and indirectly by several different hormones, including oxytocin, prolactin, and dopamine.

Oxytocin

Oxytocin is a hormone that has many functions in the human body, including the stimulation of breast milk and the contraction of uterine muscles during labor. In males, oxytocin helps induce erections and ejaculation.5

With ejaculation, the sudden surge of oxytocin stimulates the release of the “feel-good” hormone serotonin. This is the hormone that promotes feelings of sexual satisfaction, relaxation, and even drowsiness after sex.2 Serotonin in the brain can inhibit erections following ejaculation, but its influence on the refractory period is still under debate.

Prolactin

>Prolactin, a hormone responsible for lactation (breast milk production), may also influence the male refractory period. During an orgasm, prolactin levels can surge in people of any sex. But in males, high prolactin levels can interfere with the ability to achieve an erection until the levels eventually subside.6

Studies vary, with some suggesting that prolactin plays a central role in the refractory period and others concluding that it has no effect.7

Dopamine

Dopamine is another feel-good hormone that helps facilitate ejaculation. But, after ejaculation, the hormone can also temporarily block sensory nerves of the penis, making it less responsive to stimulation. This is especially true after an intense orgasm.8

The duration of this effect can vary from one person to the next and often for no apparent reason. This may account for why some males recover faster following orgasm while others take longer.8

Average Refractory Period in Males

A small study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2019 suggests that the average refractory rate in males without sexual dysfunction is around 106 minutes.9 The period may be short in young males but gradually increases with age.10

Refractory Period in Females

Oxytocin and prolactin are commonly more elevated in females than in males, and their impact on the refractory period is different than what occurs in males.5 These hormones do not interfere with the sensitivity or function of the vagina and clitoris following an orgasm.

Females are more likely to experience multiple orgasms than males.11 This doesn’t necessarily mean that females have no refractory period.10

In some females, orgasms can lead to hypersensitivity of the clitoris and vulva, making it painful to have sex even if sexual desire remains.12 This response may be regarded as a refractory period during which arousal and orgasms are difficult until the hypertensive sensation subsides.

Multiple Orgasms in Males

Multiple orgasms, which are facilitated by a short refractory period, are uncommon in males. Studies suggest that less than 10% of males in their 20s can achieve multiple orgasms, decreasing to less than 7% after age 30.13

A 2020 study in Sexual Medicine Review suggested that certain factors appear to increase a male’s ability to have multiple orgasms, including:13

  • Practicing masturbation without ejaculation (“edging”)
  • Using sex toys to increase sexual stimulation

Doing so may improve the odds of sporadic multiple orgasms (in which orgasms occur over a period of time) or condensed multiple orgasms (in which you have two to four orgasms, one after the next).

How Age Affects the Refractory Period

Younger males tend to recover and reengage in sex sooner following ejaculation than older males. While younger males may need only a few minutes of recovery time, older males may have a refractory period of between 12 to 24 hours. For some, the refractory period can last for days.10

One explanation for this involves the seminal vesicles that produce and store semen. After ejaculation, the pressure within the seminal vesicles quickly dissipates. When this happens, nerve signals are sent to the brain to produce hormones like follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) that stimulate semen production.14

Until ample hormones are produced and the tension in the seminal vesicles is restored, the refractory period in males can continue. The problem is that, as males age, the time it takes to restore tension in the seminal vesicles gets longer and longer.14

Other Factors That Influence the Refractory Period

The refractory period may be influenced by age and sex, but other physiological and psychological factors can contribute to it, including:

  • Your general health: Having good health or poor health influences your sexual stamina and fitness.15
  • Medical conditions: Diseases like diabetes and rheumatoid arthritis can affect the autonomic nervous system, which regulates involuntary functions like the sexual response.14
  • Sexual dysfunction: Problems like delayed ejaculation or premature ejaculation can undermine a person’s sexual confidence and indirectly influence the refractory period.16
  • The quality and frequency of sex: How much and how often you enjoy sex influences the “sexual pleasure cycle” and your ability to respond to sexual stimuli.3 This, in turn, can influence the refractory rate in males and females.17
  • Number of sexual partners: Studies suggest that males are more likely to have quicker recovery times and multiple orgasms if they have multiple or new sex partners.13
  • Mental health: Females, more than males, may experience a psychiatric disorder called postcoital dysphoria in which they feel fatigued, sad, depressed, or anxious after sex.18 Sexual performance anxiety, common in males, can also indirectly influence the refractory period.19

It can be presumed that the quality of your relationship—how you feel about and respond to your partner—may also have a psychological and physiological impact on your refractory rate. Further research is needed.

Can You Shorten the Refractory Period?

The refractory period is not a sexual dysfunction like erectile dysfunction or female hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD). It is simply the period of time when your desire and ability to have sex temporarily stop after an orgasm.

Even so, people often attribute sexual satisfaction to the intensity of their orgasms, the duration of sex, and, the frequency of orgasm and ejaculation.20

While there are no surefire ways to reduce the refractory time, particularly in males, certain lifestyle changes may increase your sexual fitness and remove the barriers that stand in the way of a “second round” of sex.

According to a 2018 study published in the Journal of Education and Health Promotion, this should include:15

  • Engaging in routine exercise, which can improve cardiovascular fitness, libido, and sexual performance in people of any sex
  • Engaging in sexual fantasy, which intensifies orgasms in males and libido in females

It is also important to manage chronic medical conditions, such as diabetes, that can affect sexual function and performance directly and indirectly.

Summary

The refractory period is the length of time after an orgasm when sexual desire and the ability to have sex temporarily cease. In males, the refractory period can last from minutes to days. In females, the refractory period may be brief or not occur at all.

The refractory period in males is heavily influenced by hormones. Women are not influenced in the same way but may still experience a decline in sexual interest or function after orgasm for other reasons, such as clitoral hyposensitivity or postcoital fatigue.

Certain risk factors may increase or decrease the refractory period, including your general health, mental health, medical conditions, sexual dysfunction, and the quality and frequency of sex. Routine exercise and engaging in sexual fantasy may indirectly influence the refractory rate by improving your sexual fitness, self-image, and sex drive.

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Polysexual vs. Pansexual

— How Are They Different?

Polysexual and pansexual are sometimes used interchangeably, but these terms do not mean the same thing. Although similar, polysexual is different from pansexual. Here we explain how and why they differ.

By Sophia Metrakos, RN

    • Polysexual and pansexual are two similar types of sexual identification, but they are not the same thing.
    • Both terms describe individuals who are attracted to more than one gender.
    • Pansexual people are attracted to all people regardless of gender.
    • Those who identify as polysexual are attracted to multiple genders but not all.

    Polysexual vs pansexual explained

    The main difference between polysexual and pansexual is that people who identify as pansexual place no emphasis on another person’s gender, they are what is sometimes referred to as “gender blind”. For this reason, they are attracted to people of all genders.

    Polysexual individuals, on the other hand, are usually aware of others’ gender. They may be attracted to more than one or two genders, but they are still aware of genders, and there are some genders that they are exclusively not attracted to.

    Some people confuse polysexual with bisexual. These concepts may be similar, but they have their differences. Usually, bisexuality is defined as being attracted to your gender as well as being attracted to other genders.

    Polysexuality is sometimes used as an umbrella term to categorize other sexualities. For example, it is sometimes thought that bisexuality and pansexuality are subcategories of polysexuality.

    Is polysexual the same as pansexual?

    No, polysexual and pansexual are different things. However, pansexuality does fall under the category of being a type of polysexuality. There are different subcategories of polysexuality — pansexual is one of them. Some other examples of polysexuality include bisexual and omnisexual. Think of polysexual as an umbrella term under which other concepts can fall.

    Polysexual and polyamory differences

    Sometimes the concept of polysexuality is confused with polyamory; however, these are not the same thing. Polysexuality means being attracted to multiple genders. Being in a polyamorous relationship means being romantically involved with more than one person while all parties are aware.

    Just because a person identifies as being polysexual, does not inherently mean that they prefer a polyamorous relationship. Polysexual people may still prefer to be in a monogamous relationship or, they may not.

    Is polyromantic a thing?

    Polyromantic is another term that is commonly used alongside polysexual. Polyromantic is very similar to polysexual in that it involves being attracted to more than two genders. The difference is that polychromatic relates specifically to romantic attraction, which is usually more emotional and requires forming a deeper connection. In addition, polysexual people are sexually or romantically attracted to multiple genders, so a polysexual person could also identify as polychromatic.

    Polysexuality and relationships

    Being polysexual shouldn’t influence a relationship or dating life as long as the partner is comfortable with the other’s sexual identification. People often confuse polysexuality with polyamory, but just because someone is attracted to multiple genders doesn’t mean they’ll want to date more than one person at once.

    People with unique sexual identifications like polysexual might deal with others assuming that they are gay or straight, which can be uncomfortable. It is best not to make assumptions about another person’s sexuality just based on the gender of the person that they are dating. For example, a polysexual man may be dating a woman then that same man may date a man. You should never make assumptions about another person’s sexual identity, especially based on the gender of the person they are dating.

    Distinguishing between all identities

    It is easy to get confused with all of the different terms that exist today in relation to sexuality. Polysexuality, bisexuality, pansexuality, pomosexuality, and polyamory are all examples. Here are definitions to help distinguish the differences:

    Sexual identity Definition
    Polysexual Sexually or romantically attracted to more than one gender
    Pansexual Sexually or romantically attracted to people regardless of their sex or gender
    Bisexual Sexually or romantically attracted to both men and women
    Pomosexual Chooses not to fit into any sexual orientation label, including homosexual, bisexual, or heterosexual
    Polyamory Sexually or romantically involved in multiple romantic relationships while all parties are aware

    How to tell which term fits your identity

    There is no clear-cut way to figure out exactly what your sexual identity is. The best way to figure out your sexual identity is to live your life, and at some point, you will figure out which term best fits your experience. There is absolutely nothing wrong with changing your identity if you figure out that there is a different term that better fits your sexual identity.

    It is helpful to understand the different types of sexual identities in our society today to understand better what identity might fit best with your personal experience. Sexual identity is a very nuanced concept that is ever-evolving, so it is best not to make assumptions about the sexual identities of others.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Let’s Talk About Intimacy

— Cyndi Darnell, a sex therapist and clinical sexologist, teaches couples how to experience more “pleasure and joy” in their relationships.

“There is a big difference between sex and intimacy,” said Cyndi Darnell, a sex therapist based in Manhattan, who works with couples to help enhance their sex lives.

By Alix Strauss

When it comes to sex, everyone seems to struggle, says Cyndi Darnell, a clinical sexologist, sex therapist and relationship coach based in Manhattan.

“No one receives sex and relationship education,” she said, “so people have confused sex education with reproduction. We’re also told sex is natural, and therefore, we don’t need to teach it. If it were natural, no one would struggle with it.”

In her new book “Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It: The Truth about Mismatched Libido and Rediscovering Desire,” Ms. Darnell, 51, an Australian native, invites couples to reflect on why sex matters to them.

“I wrote the book because sex is profoundly misunderstood in our culture,” she said.

She works with both couples and individuals virtually in her practice, which includes “arousal, erotic experience and personal reflection regarding how your body feels,” said Ms. Darnell of her education and therapeutic based work. She charges $250 for a 45-minute session for an individual, and $500 for a 90-minute couples session.

“I teach people how their bodies work from a pleasure perspective, and how to identify what makes sex meaningful for them,” she said. “Then I give them the skills they need to navigate the difficulties they face while creating a richer sex life that’s fulfilling so they can experience more pleasure and joy.”

Her services include everything from a one-question email option, which costs $190; online courses that start at $27; to a private couples retreat weekend, which usually takes place at a yoga or dance studio, for $8,000.

How are you different from a couple’s counselor or a therapist?

This is not meeting two or three times a week for years, looking into your childhood or your past. This is a virtual coaching experience that is usually 10 to 20 sessions, focusing on your present and your sexual future. We talk about their history of sex, what’s been good, what are they struggling with, how they would identify the challenges and help them see they are not broken. Together we strive to increase their eroticism with each other and their embodied experience of sex.

How do your sessions work?

Through talking and teaching people how to touch each other in a way that is meaningful to them — usually illustrating that with the use of puppets — they learn to connect with their own sensations and how to communicate that with their partner. I give them homework and activities to try by themselves or with each other, from breathing practices to erotic massage techniques that they would then practice on each other.

I also introduce skills that put them in touch with what their bodies are craving. Once they have a solid understanding of how their bodies respond to pleasure, I invite them to practice privately, asking them to notice what pleasure feels like in their bodies physiologically and what their internal narrative is like. Usually it’s negative: “I shouldn’t be feeling like this,” or “I’m taking too long.” This derails people’s capacity to hold pleasure because it produces panic or anxiety.

A lot of the practice is around remaining mindful and connected to their own pleasure and what feels good to them while being attentive to what’s going on, and what they’re experiencing. That takes practice.

You offer a one-question email option. Why?

Sometimes people want an answer to a specific problem or issue like, Why do I have trouble orgasming? or Why don’t I feel connected to my partner during sex? I answer that in a five- or six-page response that includes suggestions to links, podcasts, books, videos, resources, and exercises or activities to try. What they are really asking is, Am I normal? That’s the theme.

What do your weekend retreats entail?

These are for couples I’ve worked with before who hire me for private retreats. Over the past decade I’ve done this with 40 to 50 couples. Everyone is vetted, there’s an application form. And couples have to like each other. It’s not relationship therapy, it’s intimacy and sexuality coaching for couples that want an experience, a place inside themselves in the presence of their partner that they will remember for the rest of their lives.

Over the next 48 hours couples are introduced to a variety of techniques that awaken and inspire erotic connection. These include breath work, erotic massage and sensation play. We also expand the possibilities of what sex can be for that couple, which involves teaching arousal and connectivity for their entire bodies.

Clothing remains on, unless they are working on their homework in the privacy of their weekend living quarters.

How do you define intimacy, and how is it created?

Intimacy is not sex — they are very separate things. Intimacy is a profound dance of self inquiry, a willingness to see and be seen, to expose yourself to yourself, and then accept who you are. Doing that with another person comes second. Most people can’t do that. It’s a high-risk activity. And it doesn’t mean your partner is going to do it back, which is why there’s so much uncertainty.

These are different qualities that we bring to sex. We can have both, but we can also have one and not the other. Not everyone wants sex with intimacy or intimacy with sex.

What are some other misconceptions about intimacy and sex?

That good sex is spontaneous, simultaneous, and mutually orgasmic — that’s a lie. That sex is intercourse — also a lie. That desire is essential to have good sex. It’s not. And that men and women are profoundly different, not true. That’s a narrative that derails heterosexuals.

That most people have never experienced meaningful touch and don’t know what that is. That they do not know what produces satisfaction for them. And they can’t tell you what makes sex feel good or memorable. People want to feel a particular, physical, emotional way that is unique to them — say big and powerful, special or safe, seen and understood, validated and valued. These are the reasons people have partnered sex.

What advice can you offer to couples who might be struggling?

Getting comfortable asking for what you want helps tremendously, because when we can speak our truth to a lover, we have a greater chance of finding the satisfaction we seek from sex. You might not get what you want, but the practice of asking is revolutionary for people.

Be attentive to who’s benefiting from whatever it is you’re doing. If I’m pretending that it’s for you when it’s actually for me, then the sex is going to be terrible, as it creates a creepy power dynamic.

Slow sex is really useful. If you rush, you’re feeding your anxiety. If you can slow it down, your body has time to respond to your nervous system, and your brain has time to sync up with your sensations. Don’t make sex goal oriented, rather give yourself permission to feel good.

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Are fetishes acquired or inherited?

— On the origin of fetishes

By Ruoyan Li

Fetishes are non mainstream sexual interests in non genital body parts, inanimate objects, or behaviours. But why do some people have fetishes while others do not? Are fetishes acquired, inherited, or both? This topic is debatable, but evidence suggests that fetishes may be inherited.

What are fetishes?

Using an extensive sample survey, Claudia Scorolli — an associate professor and researcher in the Department of Philosophy and Communication Studies at the University of Bologna — and her colleagues classified the objects of fetishism into three categories and six subcategories. The three categories are body, objects, and behaviours.

The six subcategories are parts or features of the body like feet or weight — including body modifications like tattoos; an object usually in association with the body, like shoes or headphones; an object not usually associated with the body like dirty dishes or candles; a person’s own behavioural habits like biting fingernails; the behaviour of other persons like smoking; and interactional behaviours like domination, humiliation, and roleplay.

Some may think fetishes are rare, as they are non mainstream sexual excitements. However, recent findings counter this belief. In a 2016 study of 1,040 Canadians, 26 per cent of participants reported engaging in some form of fetish activities at least once in their lives.

In other studies, over 60 per cent of male college students and more than 50 per cent of female college students reported fantasizing about a behavioural fetish known as BDSM — bondage, domination, submission, sadism, and masochism. These results may make it less embarrassing to admit and discuss fetishes.

Despite these statistics, fetishism was once considered to be a mental illness, similar to non heteronormative sexualities and non cisgender identities. But now, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, fetishism is considered a disorder only when it causes “significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.” Gloria Brame, a sexologist and self-proclaimed fetishist, iterates that fetishism isn’t a hobby, but a legitimate sexual identity instead.

Unfortunately, fetishism researcher Giselle Rees has found that people with fetishes are still stigmatized and discriminated against as unhealthy, sick, or ‘crazy.’ Rees explains that one popular myth about people with fetishes is that they “need their fetish to have sex.” As such, those with fetishes are considered “abnormal.” However, Rees explains that people with fetishes can regularly engage in and enjoy conventional intercourse without their fetish.

What causes fetishes?

While initial theories claimed that fetishes resulted from early life experiences, later experiments contradict this thesis.

In 1966, Stanley Rachman — a psychologist at the Institute of Psychiatry, Maudsley Hospital and former professor emeritus in the Department of Psychology at the University of British Columbia — conducted a study to investigate whether a fetish was a conditioned response. Participants were first shown photographs of naked women, followed by a picture of women’s black boots. Following this, the image of black boots was found to induce sexual arousal successfully.

Anthropologist Katharine Gates theorizes that some fetishes are a result of simulation of the brain circuit involving smell and memory. Since the olfactory, memory, and emotion centres of the brain are tightly connected, a certain smell could become a trigger that connects with emotional contents and memories. This theory may explain air freshener fetishes, as well.

Further, neuroscientist Vilayanaur Ramachandran provides a neurological explanation for foot fetishes. In the brain, sensory information from the feet is processed adjacent to sensory information from the genitals. In this regard, there may be some “neural crosstalk” between these two brain areas. Fetishization is less likely to occur for body parts whose cortical representations are far from that of the genitals.

Do fetishes have a genetic component?

Fetishes tend to be permanent. In their 2007 paper, Scorolli and her team proposed that body-related fetishes may be genetic, while object-related fetishes may be more related to early-life events.

A behavioural fetish may reflect an individual’s personality. An example of such a personality trait is sensation-seeking. The Kinsey Institute’s research fellow Justin Lehmiller identified a pattern of interest in BDSM fetish among sensation-seekers.

Sensation seeking has a genetic basis related to the dopamine receptor D4 (DRD4) gene, which encodes the dopamine receptors that receive and relay biochemical signals from dopamine. A rare mutation of the DRD4 gene with 7-repeat sequences (7R) results in a version of the gene that encodes dopamine receptors less sensitive to dopamine. This means that people with the DRD4 7R+ allele need to participate in more thrilling activities to achieve the same level of pleasure as someone with the normal DRD4 gene.

Besides sexual fetishes, the DRD4 gene also influences several sexual behaviours, such as virginity status, sexual fantasies, sexual unfaithfulness to a committed partner, extra-relationship sex partners, and sexual novelty. In general, compared to individuals with the normal DRD4 allele, those with 7R+ are more active in sex and have more risky sexual behaviours.

This shows that there might be interesting evidence about behavioural fetishes as they relate to personality traits and their genetic basis, but more evidence is needed to corroborate and strengthen this relationship. For now, it appears that early life experiences, learned behaviour, neurological connections, and genetics all contribute to fetishism. With the progressive destigmatization of fetishism, there will likely be more research about the origin of fetishes.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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‘Ghosting,’ ‘Orbiting,’ ‘Rizz’

— A Guide to Modern Dating Terms

The way we talk about relationships has drastically changed in recent years. Here is a glossary of some of the most popular words and phrases you should know.

By Gina Cherelus

Picture this: You’re currently single and “cobwebbing” in the aftermath of your previous failed relationship. The attractive person you thought had “rizz” is starting to exhibit “beige flags,” so you turn to your ongoing “situationship” for attention, but deep down you hope to meet someone worth “soft-launching” on Instagram. Can you relate?

To describe yourself as single and in search of a relationship is almost too simple of a label in 2023. The way we seek romantic connections, especially with the influence of social media and dating apps, has naturally altered our behaviors and language around dating.

The fact that more people are meeting online creates an “abundance of options,” said Natalie Jones, a California-based psychotherapist who specializes in relationships and narcissism. This can make it difficult to develop a genuine connection, or can lead to toxic dating habits.

“I think that’s where these terms are coming from because now people have an abundance of people to choose from, and so different sorts of behaviors are being highlighted,” Dr. Jones said. “When you have so many people to choose from, you can ghost, you cannot call, you can hide who you truly are through online dating.”

Although there are dozens of new dating terms being used today, we spoke to Dr. Jones and Shan Boodram, a sex and relationship expert with the dating app Bumble, to help us narrow down the top dating terms that you’ll need to know.

A picture of a slice of bread and bread crumbs.

Breadcrumbing

When someone consistently checks in with a romantic prospect, dangles the possibility of a date and keeps them interested, but never follows through with what they really want: a relationship.

This act of self-love refers to purging any mementos from previous relationships (old sweaters, text threads or photos) in an effort to move on. Holding on to old phone numbers and pictures, Ms. Boodram said, “keeps someone from being fully present and invested in their dating journey.”

Cuffing

Derived from the word “handcuffed,” it’s the act of getting tied down to one partner, usually during the colder months of the year (also known as cuffing season). To be cuffed can also refer to someone in a serious relationship outside of cuffing season.

Cyberflashing

The act of sending unwanted sexual images to another person through digital means, such as on a dating app or social media platform, but also via text or another file-sharing service, like Airdrop.

Although there’s no federal law prohibiting cyberflashing, states including California and Texas introduced laws last year that give victims the opportunity to have legal recourse if they receive unwanted sexual images online. Other states are writing legislation to handle this issue.

A picture of a glass jar holding chocolate chip cookies.

Cookie-jarring

When a person seeks a relationship with someone else as a backup plan. In the same way that people might reach for a cookie when they want an instant treat, someone who is cookie-jarring pursues their backup person when the one they actually want isn’t available or has rejected them.

The Three Flags: Green, Red, Beige

Green flags are positive, compatible traits that a person possesses. Red flags are negative, potentially harmful traits. A person displaying beige flags is not necessarily good or bad. They are just dull, boring and lack effort in dating. “What we perceive as flags can vary from person to person,” Ms. Boodram said, “and though there are flags in real life, they can also be displayed via dating apps, too.”

Gaslighting

To manipulate someone into making them doubt their powers of reasoning, perceptions, memories or understanding of an event that happened. Common methods include blatant lying, denial and trivializing their feelings, which can result in an unhealthy power dynamic shift in a relationship.

Ghosting

The act of disappearing without warning or cutting off all contact with someone you’re dating, someone you’re in a relationship with or even someone you’ve simply matched with online. “Ghosting is very dehumanizing and a lot of people don’t understand that,” said Dr. Jones, who added that it can lead people to question their self-worth and value as a human being. “A lot of times it kicks up abandonment triggers.”

Love Bombing

Lavishing a new romantic partner with grand gestures and constant contact, while also keeping them isolated from friends and family in order to gain control in the relationship. Not all grand gestures of affection are red flags, which can make love bombing hard to spot.
< A picture of red, blue and orange orbits against a black background.

Orbiting

When someone has cut off communication with a person, or they have made it clear that they are not interested in pursuing a relationship, yet they continue to interact with that person on social media, usually through views and likes.

This also applies to the practice of observing potential love interests on social media, without initiating contact. Dr. Jones said that a lot of people — often women in heteronormative relationships — can mistakenly interpret this as someone being intentional about their interest, when it might not be.

“They can just be going through social media, sitting on the toilet and liking posts,” she said. “It can mean absolutely nothing and a lot of times it does.”

Rizz

This newer concept is short for “charisma” and is commonly used among members of Gen Z. It’s very popular on TikTok, Ms. Boodram said, and refers to someone’s ability to flirt with and attract a potential love interest. This can be having an engaging personality or having an unspoken allure that others cannot resist. Kai Cenat, a Twitch streamer and influencer, who coined the term, clarified that rizz originally referred to the ability to attract someone who wasn’t initially into you.

Situationship

A romantic or sexual relationship in which both parties do not communicate clearly to define their status. Unlike those who are “friends with benefits,” neither party in a situationship is certain of what the other is to them. This can be confusing and lack the consistency and support that comes with a defined relationship.

Soft-Launching

Posting a discreet photo or video of your new partner on Instagram or other social media to announce your relationship while still hiding their identity. The idea is that you don’t want to post about them on your account too soon in case it doesn’t work out. One example: sharing photos of only your partner’s hands clasped in yours. “You’re slowly trying to introduce the idea that you all can be a thing,” Dr. Jones said.

“Social media is involved in everything,” she said. “It’s like the third wheel of the relationship now.”

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Why can’t I have an orgasm?

— Sexperts share advice on achieving bedroom bliss

If you’ve been worrying, “Why can’t I have an orgasm?” no need to panic—the pros are here to help

By Danielle Valente

“Why can’t I have an orgasm?”

There’s no need to chuck your sex toys in the trash or skip out on a sofa sex adventure. Whether you’re experiencing something psychological or emotional that could be standing in the way of your sexual satisfaction, the pros are here to help you get back on track and revel in a satisfying O.

And, above all, it’s important to remember that the phenomenon isn’t a “make it or break it” deal.

“An orgasm isn’t the be-all and end-all of sex, nor does it define a sexual encounter,” Annabelle Knight, a sex and relationship at Lovehoney (opens in new tab) previously told My Imperfect Life.

That being said, it is still in pretty high demand, so allow the professionals to help walk you through any potential hiccups you might be experiencing.

There isn’t necessarily a clear-cut answer. While medical factors might inhibit some women from achieving orgasm, emotional hurdles might prevent others from having a satisfying experience. Regardless, the first step towards taking back the pleasure is identifying the problem.

“Many people may have anxiety that can interfere with the ability to relax and enjoy the present moment. This can lead to difficulty becoming aroused, achieving orgasm, and performance anxiety,” says sex and relationship expert Melissa Stone.

Though it may seem like everyday stressors wouldn’t be an issue in bed, that anxiety can carry over into your sex life, so it’s crucial to take an extra few steps towards calming your nerves.

“It is important to practice self-care and find healthy ways to manage stress and anxiety such as deep breathing and mindfulness meditation,” Stone says. “Additionally, talking to a therapist can help to explore deeper issues and find ways to cope with and manage them.”

When it comes to physical causes, everybody is different—quite literally. Hormone imbalances, medications and conditions like endometriosis could be contributors to your orgasm’s elusiveness. Another factor we oftentimes overlook is vaginal dryness, so perhaps it’s time to play around with different types of lube. Whatever the case might be, should you believe that the issue is pressing, make an appointment with your doctor. (And have a look at what gynecologists want you to know about your reproductive health.)

Melissa Stone is a sex and relationship expert at Joy Love Dolls, the “world’s leading authority on sexual exploration, adult toys and realistic dolls.

How to get back on track with your big O:

Before going into panic mode, there are methods to consider if you’re looking for that memorable final moment. Pippa Murphy, the sex and relationship expert at condoms.uk, and Stone, break down different remedies to consider.

1. Talk about sex

If you cannot orgasm with a partner, you have to be frank. Talking about sex is the key to making it better and analyzing what works and what might need some fine-tuning.

“Couples that communicate openly and honestly are more likely to maintain a stronger emotional connection, which naturally leads to better sex,” Murphy says.

Should you feel a little bit stressed about sex, you’ll be more relieved once you have an open dialogue.

2. Try using lube

There’s a lot of misconception about lube—don’t think that it can’t help you.

“Whilst many people believe that lube is strictly for those who suffer from dryness during sex, that certainly isn’t the case and can bring a lot of benefits to the bedroom,” Murphy says. “For example, it can enhance pleasure by creating different sensations like a warming or cooling effect wherever it’s applied. Plus, previous studies have shown that lube makes it 50% easier for everyone to orgasm. Need I say more?”

Have more Qs about lube? Don’t worry—we asked them so you don’t have to!

3. Experiment during solo sex

One-on-one time gives you the freedom to do as you please without the fear of judgment from a partner. Solo sex is necessary for you to find out what you like and what you could do without. Plus, the experts say masturbation is the key to women’s most intense orgasms.

4. Switch up positions

Should your go-to move not really feel satisfying, try switching things up. And don’t forget about erogenous zones—Murphy says a little extra attention in these spots will go a long way. (Plenty of sexperts make the case for nipple orgasms.)

5. Try foreplay

“Your brain is wired to experience more pleasure when the anticipation of a reward goes on for a long period, making foreplay even more key to an orgasm,” Murphy says. “So, if you feel that your partner rushes it, take control of the situation and ask them to slow down.”

We’ve rounded up fun foreplay ideas to get the ball rolling.

6. Don’t underestimate kissing

A simple smooch goes a long way. And science says kissing during sex increases the chance for orgasm.

“A study found that couples who kiss for at least six seconds had the most successful relationships. This is because the kiss gives you enough time to get out of your brain and, instead, be in the moment,” Murphy says. “Chances are you may get more sexually stimulated as time goes on, increasing your chances of orgasming.”

7. Stay present

Though at times it’s easier said than done, remember the importance of staying in the moment. Don’t let your thoughts drift.

“Relax and try to enjoy sex. If what goes through your mind during sex isn’t exactly sexy (e.g., “What am I doing wrong?”), it’s easy to lose sight of what matters most — enjoying yourself in the moment,” Murphy says. “So instead of focusing on how things should be or what’s going wrong, try thinking about what feels good and what makes you happy.”

While you’re at it, be sure to have a gander at the best sex tips ever and the 2023 sex trends dominating the bedroom. And again, should the orgasm issue persist, don’t be afraid to seek professional advice from a doctor.

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It’s Tough to Talk to Your Partner About Sex.

— Here’s How to Start.

First, simply acknowledge that you have it, says sex therapist Vanessa Marin. Then move on to some compliments.

By Catherine Pearson

Vanessa Marin has dedicated her career to discussing the most private details of other people’s sex lives. But, for a long time, she found it hard to talk about her own.

In a new book, “Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life,” the sex therapist, 38, admits that she faked orgasms for 10 years because she couldn’t bring herself to tell partners what she liked. Things improved when she met her husband, Xander Marin, now 37, but once the initial excitement wore off, the pair found themselves in front of an expensive couples counselor, struggling to articulate why their sex life sometimes felt disappointing.

Today, the Marins have parlayed their radical honesty and relatability into a business centered around sexual education, with a popular podcast, a suite of online courses and more than 300,000 followers on Instagram. Ms. Marin paints herself as someone who has often felt awkward and unsure in the bedroom, despite her professional credentials. Mr. Marin, who is not a therapist, says he offers a nonexpert perspective on what it takes to get more comfortable talking about sex.

“So many of us feel alone when we’re struggling with sex,” Ms. Marin explained. “Like, I must be broken; I must be the only person going through this; everyone else has a great sex life. So it feels important to me to lead with vulnerability.”

The book, which the Marins co-wrote, is based on a simple — and, they acknowledge, well-trodden — conceit: Many sex problems stem from poor communication. Yet people seldom get specific and structured advice about how to have those conversations, the Marins believe. The book’s five sex talks are centered around acknowledgment (“sex is a thing, and we have it”), connection, desire, pleasure and exploration.

“I’ve never had a relationship in which I talked about sex as openly, honestly or frequently as I now do with Xander. I’ve also never had a relationship in which the sex was as deeply intimate and wildly satisfying as it is now,” Ms. Marin writes. “I don’t think those two things are coincidences.”

Here’s what Ms. Marin had to say about why it can feel so daunting to talk about sex with our partners and about how to get started.

Questions and answers have been edited and condensed for clarity.

You write that most of us don’t talk about sex often, if at all, with the person who regularly sees us naked. How do you suggest people start those conversations?

A big mistake people make is either they never talk about sex, or the only time they do acknowledge it is when there is a problem, so you sit down to have one of those “we need to talk” conversations. What we tell people is to incorporate talking about sex into their lives on a more regular basis. We recommend you start with giving compliments.

Try giving a compliment about your partner’s physical attractiveness, or the attraction that you feel for them throughout the day. It could be something really tame like: “You look nice today” or “Your eyes are really beautiful.” You can also offer some sort of compliment about the connection you feel. If you’re giving them a hug hello or goodbye, you say, “It feels so good to be in your arms.”

Compliments are an easy way to start talking about sex more openly. There are no goals to those conversations. You’re not trying to accomplish anything. You’re not making any requests or raising any complaints. There’s a little flirtation in it.

You do write a lot about the importance of flirting and trying to create a sense of anticipation around sex. Why is that so important, and what if that kind of flirtation just isn’t part of a couple’s relationship anymore?

Many of us have this expectation that we should feel desire spontaneously out of nowhere, in the exact same moment our partner does. But that’s just not how it works in real life. We write about an idea called the “sex drive simmer,” which is about finding ways to maintain some of the sense of tension and anticipation that you may have had early on in your relationship throughout the day.

One thing a couple can do is exchange flirty text messages, and that doesn’t mean that you’re constantly texting back and forth. It could be something simple like, “Looking forward to seeing you later.” Another thing that we love telling couples to do is to make a playlist of songs that get them in the mood. Just playing that in the background can also be a great way to keep that tension alive.

Part of the book focuses on building a foundation of sexual self-awareness, so people get to know what they enjoy and can eventually share that with a partner. What’s a good first step?

I think anyone can think about the question: What does good sex mean to me? Try to be as detailed as you can about it and to come up with as many answers as you can.

You can kind of trace the arc of a sexual experience so: What is it that you like to feel leading up to sex? (Like, I like it when we’ve had some quality time together already that day.) It can get into how you like sex to be initiated. It could get into what kind of environment you like sex to happen in, and what energy you like to feel during sex. Is it passionate? Is it intimate? Is it safe? Silly? What do you like after?

It’s very easy for us to focus on the problems with our sex life and our frustrations with it and not flip that around to ask: Well, what is it that I actually want?

You write a lot about awkwardness. For instance, you tell people who worry if it will feel strange to start having sex again after a dry spell that it probably will. And you write that awkwardness is the price of admission for good sex. Why?

When you see sex portrayed on TV or in the movies, everything flows, everything looks beautiful and perfect. But sex is a very awkward thing. Maybe you try a new position and it doesn’t feel very good, or you can’t figure it out. We really love just turning that on its head and saying it’s not something to be afraid of or embarrassed about, it’s something to embrace. If you anticipate awkwardness, that brings that pressure way down.

There’s no way to grow up without some amount of sexual shame. We all have embarrassment that comes up around sex. We have areas of our sex life that we don’t want to talk about. We’re all in the same boat together in that sense. But it can make such a big difference in your life individually, and in your relationship, if you can tackle that head on.

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