Tag: sex and relationship advice

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Can a monogamous couple happily become nonmonogamous?

— It’s possible but not easy, experts say.

Exploring ethical nonmonogamy isn’t always easy for couples who have been monogamous in the past.

By Ian Kerner

Can a monogamous couple become nonmonogamous? Of course, they can — but do these couples survive and thrive? What are the pitfalls and what are the pleasures?

More and more I’m seeing couples in my practice of all ages who have always been in monogamous relationships but now are seriously thinking about opening up their relationships. They are young couples just starting out, couples with young kids and a mortgage, and empty nesters looking to find their wings.

The reasons for taking the leap vary. Often one or both partners may be feeling sexually dissatisfied in the primary relationship — it may be boredom, mismatched libidos or a desire to explore new horizons. Sometimes there’s a hunger for the excitement and energy that come when people first connect with someone new. It’s also possible one or both partners don’t believe in monogamy. For some couples, sex has always been an issue, even though the rest of the relationship works.

No matter the reason, interest in nonmonogamy — participation in nonexclusive sexual relationships — is on the rise. In a 2020 study of 822 currently monogamous people by Kinsey Institute research fellow Justin Lehmiller, nearly one-third said that having an open relationship was their favorite sexual fantasy, and 80% wanted to act on it.

What happens if your relationship starts off as monogamous, and you or your partner change your mind? That doesn’t have to doom your relationship, Lehmiller said. “Research suggests that relationship quality is actually quite similar in monogamous and consensually nonmonogamous relationships,” he said. “Both relationship styles can work well — and both can fail, too.”

I believe the key to successful nonmonogamy is in one word: consensual. Known as ethical nonmonogamy, this approach is different from monogamous relationships in which partners cheat on each other. An ethically nonmonogamous relationship involves two people who identify as a couple but who are not committed to a traditional relationship, according to sexologist Yvonne Fulbright.

“They’ve given each other the opportunity to date or have sex with other people independently,” said Fulbright, who is based in Iceland. “Often a key component in these relationships working out is that the other relationship is only sexual, not romantic or emotional. There’s no deception about engaging in sex with others.”

Some couples may find ethical nonmonogamy easier than others. That includes those who have discussed the possibility of an open relationship from the beginning as well as LGBTQ couples. “In my experience, gay and queer couples have more ease with nonmonogamy,” New York-based sex therapist Dulcinea Alex Pitagora said.

“They’ve had to do more introspection and communication around their sexual or gender identity,” Pitagora said. “This additional time spent understanding who they are, what they want, and learning how to communicate it dovetails very smoothly into communicating about nonmonogamy.”

For couples who choose to open their relationships ethically, there can be benefits. “Nonmonogamy can be fulfilling and a catalyst for self-growth,” Wisconsin-based sex therapist Madelyn Esposito said. “This self-growth can deepen understanding and desire for your primary partner as you have the space to explore yourself and your own sexual needs outside of relational confines.”

In an open relationship there is often less pressure to have all your sexual needs met from your partner, Florida-based sex therapist Rachel Needle said. “And there is less pressure on you to meet all of your partner’s sexual needs. This gives you the opportunity to enjoy sexual activity with your partner but do it without added tension or anxiety.”

Sometimes the heat generated outside the bedroom even finds its way back into the primary relationship. “Many nonmonogamous folks find that partner variety revs up their libido, and that this transfers over into increased sex in the primary relationship,” Lehmiller said. “Something else we’ve found in our research is that, beyond sex, these relationships can also mutually reinforce each other. Specifically, being more satisfied with a secondary partner actually predicts being more committed to the primary partner.”

But making the leap into ethical nonmonogamy isn’t always easy for couples who have been historically monogamous. Often, one partner is “driving,” and the other is a reluctant passenger going along for the ride. Sometimes a couple can’t agree on what constitutes nonmonogamy (casual sex with different people versus repeatedly seeing one person), or they can’t agree on rules (posting a profile online, staying overnight, bringing someone home, no kissing).

One partner might be worried about the social stigma if others find out or just can’t get beyond all the cultural messaging that idealizes monogamy. Nonmonogamy can trigger strong feelings such as jealousy and possessiveness. “Even bringing it up as a curiosity can feel threatening to some couples/partners,” Fulbright said.

What should you consider if ethical nonmonogamy is on your mind?

There are any number of positive motivators for couples to try nonmonogamy, but what you don’t want to do is rely on nonmonogamy to slap a Band-Aid on existing problems. “Using nonmonogamy to fix a relationship is as effective as having a baby to fix a relationship — it’s a terrible idea,” said Rebecca Sokoll, a psychotherapist in New York City. “You need a strong and healthy relationship to make the transition to nonmonogamy.”

Don’t do it to distance yourself from your partner. “Ethical nonmonogamy can also be a defense mechanism, a delay tactic, a hide-and-seek game and an aversion to closeness,” said Minnesota-based psychotherapist Hanna Zipes Basel, who specializes in this area. “I see couples succeed when they enter nonmonogamy with an already secure functioning relationship, when they are both equally desiring nonmonogamy, and/or they have had prior experience or done their homework.”

“Get educated on the wide array of philosophies, structures and agreements that are possible in the ethical nonmonogamy world through books, podcasts and articles,” suggested sex therapist Sari Cooper, who directs the Center for Love and Sex in New York. “Journal about what each of you is looking for through this transition and discuss these goals with your partner to see if you’re on the same page and, if not, what overlaps or compromises might work.”

There’s no doubt that ethical nonmonogamy requires communication — and lots of it. “I suggest a ‘what if’ conversation before anyone takes anything into action,” Los Angeles-based sex therapist Tammy Nelson advised. “Talking about the potential positives as well as the pitfalls of a possible exploration can prevent problems that could come up later. The more you talk about the issues before they happen the better.”

A therapist experience in working with couples pursuing ethical nonmonogamy can help you weigh the potential pros and cons, guide you through the process and provide you with a neutral, safe space to discuss things.

Determine what ethical nonmonogamy looks like to you both and agree on your parameters — more rigid rules may be best when starting out — and plan to keep the conversation going.

“I see dozens of couples a year who come to therapy to try and negotiate their expectations in advance,” said Kimberly Resnick Anderson, a sex therapist in Los Angeles. “Couples who do their homework ahead of time have a much better success rate than couples who jump right in without preparation.

“Even couples who prep responsibly are often surprised by their reactions to certain situations and need to renegotiate boundaries.”

In my professional experience, the couples who succeed at nonmonogamy often don’t require many rules at all, because they trust each other, prioritize the primary relationship and hold each other in mind throughout the process.

If ethical nonmonogamy doesn’t work for you — or leads to a breakup — that doesn’t mean it’s a loss. “Consider a couple with children who, without ethical nonmonogamy, would have split up, and for whom nonmonogamy stabilizes their relationship,” New Jersey-based sex therapist Margie Nichols said.

“Eventually, that stability doesn’t last, but ethical nonmonogamy allows the couple to uncouple consciously and take time with the process,” Nichols said. “Because of the thoughtfulness, the family can remain living together or near each other and still love and care for each other, and there is no bitterness or rancor between the two. I’d call that a success — despite divorce.”

In the end, couples who succeed are fiercely committed to their primary relationship: They protect it, cherish it and care for it. They ensure that their foundation is solid and secure, and they continue to grow and expand as a couple in ways beyond sex. Nonmonogamy may be an exciting new chapter for a couple, but it doesn’t mean the story of their relationship comes to an end. It should feel like an exciting beginning.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Here she comes

— Closing the orgasm gap

By Cat Tang

When Sophia Wright finished the deed with her high school boyfriend, she looked over at him and thought: “This can’t be it, right?”

It was only until years later, when she got to university, that she first heard of the term “orgasm gap.” Since then, Wright has learned more about her sex life and orgasm equality.

“I didn’t even really know what an orgasm was for a woman at that time,” says Wright, now a fourth-year psychology and gender, sexuality and women’s studies student.

The orgasm gap is the difference in orgasm rates between men and women during partnered sexual experiences. In general, men are much more likely to experience orgasm than women.

“I was also still focused on, ‘Well, I’m not supposed to come, so why does it matter?’” says Wright, describing her mindset back in high school. “You get fed this narrative for such a long time — you do have to retrain yourself and unlearn these harmful things.”

A 2017 study analyzing a sample of over 50,000 United States adults found a significant gap in frequency of orgasm during sex between heterosexual men and women. Heterosexual and gay men reported orgasming 95 and 89 per cent of the time respectively, whereas bisexual and heterosexual women were the lowest, orgasming 66 and 65 per cent of the time. Bisexual men and lesbian women were reported to orgasm 88 and 86 per cent of the time.

Jaclyn Siegel, a social psychologist who completed her PhD at Western University in 2021, now teaches at San Diego State University. Siegel has a whole lecture dedicated to the orgasm gap in her psychology of human sexual behaviour course.

“We talk about sexual empowerment, sexual equality and the playing field being even now for women and men in heterosexual hookups — but it’s not true,” says Siegel.

Siegel says there are a variety of factors that affect the orgasm gap, one being poor understanding of female sexual anatomy and the type of stimulation needed for someone with female sexual anatomy to orgasm. This often includes clitoral stimulation.

“There’s an ongoing cultural joke that no one knows where the clitoris is, which is not funny. It’s sort of pathetic,” says Siegel. 

But lack of information about female sexual anatomy is almost universal. Oftentimes, young women don’t know much about their sexual anatomy either, creating a huge barrier in communicating with their partners about how they can reach an orgasm.

Wright didn’t know she had a clitoris until she was 15 years old — she didn’t even know what it looked like.

“I took a mirror and I was like, ‘Where the fuck is it?’” says Wright.

Looking back, Wright is astounded at just how little she knew about her own body. She recalls not even knowing urine came out of the urethra until she watched an episode of Orange is the New Black.

Her Ontario public school sex education was unhelpful. She never learned about masturbation, pleasure or orgasms in school.

The lack of information she received about female sexual anatomy — along with feeling like she wasn’t as thin as attractive women were typically depicted in the media — led her to feel shame about her body.

“I still feel shame around my vagina,” says Wright. “That was something when I got to university that I really had to get through: ‘Why am I feeling so much shame towards my own body? Why do I hate this part of my body so much?’ I felt so bad for people having sex with me.”

This self-consciousness led Wright to decline oral sex — a common way for people with female sexual anatomy to reach clitorial stimulation and achieve an orgasm — even when her partners offered.

Siegel says predominating sexual scripts — cultural attitudes and norms towards how sex is supposed to go — priotitizes those with male sexual anatomy over those with female sexual anatomy.

“If you genuinely believe a sexual experience is over as soon as a person with male sexual anatomy has an orgasm, you might not feel entitled to an orgasm because you think the sexual experience is over,” says Siegel.

While Siegel does cite men’s sexual entitlement as a contributing factor to the orgasm gap, she adds it’s important to not paint all men with broad strokes.

“In conversations, people are very quick to blame men for the orgasm gap. But women contribute to this by not telling their partners what type of stimulation they need,” says Siegel. “It’s not necessarily that men don’t want to help, they might not know how.”

A 2021 study found that when women are socialized to be more sexually assertive, it can lead to more frequent orgasms and higher sexual satisfaction.

Siegel attributes the patriarchy as the reasoning behind a woman’s hesitation in communicating what they sexually like. Women may feel like their pleasure doesn’t matter to their partner, or that speaking up may hurt their partner’s feelings and make them feel inadequate.

This leads to another factor Siegel strongly believes contributes to the orgasm gap: women faking their orgasms.

A 2015 study surveying 4,685 university students at the University of Maine found that 70 per cent of sexually-active women reported having faked an orgasm.

“When you lie to your partner by pretending you’ve had an orgasm, they don’t learn how to actually give you an orgasm. You reinforce behaviours that didn’t produce the outcome you wanted,” says Siegel.

While Wright has never faked an orgasm personally, she understands why many others do.

“I think a lot of women do it because sex sometimes is super fucking boring,” says Wright. “Sex just sucks sometimes. It’s like: ‘How do I get this over with? Let me make the loudest porn moaning noise that I can for me to get the fuck out of this.’”

Wright’s journey to sexual empowerment has been long and ongoing. She says it’s taken a lot of unlearning predominating sexual narratives and ideas of what women’s bodies are supposed to look like to get to where she is today.

Her current partner noticed she was struggling to orgasm during their first few months of dating, when they bought her a vibrator to throw into the mix. An attentive partner and a shift towards a more positive mindset about her own body has resulted in a vast improvement in Wright’s sex life.

Another thing Wright’s learned? She’s allowed to finish first.

“We should all be pursuing positive sexual experience,” says Siegel. “There are a variety of ways we can move toward orgasm equality, some of which are on women, some of which are on men.”

According to Siegel, there’s still work to be done — talking more about female sexual pleasure and learning more about the bodies of people with female sexual anatomy are just the start.

“You must understand your own body before you hope someone else will understand it,” says Siegel. “Get comfortable with yourself, figure out ways to make yourself feel good.”

Exploring your body comes in many different forms, from masturbation to experimenting with sex toys. Once you understand how you receive pleasure, it’s crucial to communicate that to your partner and emphasize your sexual pleasure is important too.

If your partner is unresponsive? Leave. 

“The only people who are worth having sex with, are the people who are willing to do what they need to do to give you a positive sexual experience,” says Siegel. 

An orgasm isn’t essential to having a satisfying sexual experience, but for many, it’s an enjoyable part. Bringing more attention to the orgasm gap is essential to achieving orgasm equality. 

“People deserve to have pleasure,” says Wright. “It’s jarring when we see men receiving that pleasure more than women.”

As for Wright’s high school boyfriend? She got rid of him a long time ago. Her current partner is attentive and lets her feel her pleasure is important too.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is the Refractory Period?

— The Temporary Loss of Sexual Desire and Function After Orgasm

By James Myhre & Dennis Sifris, MD

In human sexuality, the refractory period is the length of time after an orgasm during which a person is not sexually responsive. The refractory period can vary from one person to the next but is strongly influenced by a person’s age, biological sex, and libido (sex drive).

The refractory period is more often used to describe the phase following an orgasm in which a male is physiologically unable to achieve an erection (“get hard”) and have another orgasm or ejaculation. Depending on the individual, the refractory period can last for minutes to days.1

Because females can often have multiple orgasms, it is generally thought that they either do not have a refractory period or that the refractory period lasts for only a brief moment.2

This is not to suggest that a person’s physiological makeup is the sole determining factor for how long or short the refractory period is. A person’s psychological makeup also contributes to whether they desire sex or feel sexually satiated after orgasm.

This article takes a closer look at the refractory period in males and females and how physiology and psychology factor in. It also explores if there are ways to shorten the refractory period and achieve multiple orgasms.

Gender Definitions

In this article, “male” is used to describe people with penises while “female” is used to describe people with vaginas despite the gender or genders they identify with. The sex and gender terms used in cited material will be retained.

Refractory Period and the Sexual Response

The refractory period is one component of the four phases of the sexual response, classically described as:3

  • Excitement: This is when you get sexually aroused by physical or mental stimuli such as touch, kissing, fantasizing, or viewing erotic images.
  • Plateau: This is the period of increasing sexual excitement during which the penis, vagina, and clitoris will engorge with blood and become highly sensitive.
  • Orgasm: This is the spontaneous release of sexual energy accompanied by rapid contractions of the lower pelvic muscles, including ejaculation (the forceful discharge of semen in males).
  • Resolution: This is when the body gradually returns to its normal level of functioning, and swelled or erect body parts return to their normal sizes.

 

Part of Resolution Phase

The refractory period is part of the resolution phase during which a person needs to recover before they can have another orgasm.

The term “refractory period” does not apply to just sex. The term is used in neuroscience to describe the span of time following the response of a nerve or muscle before it can respond again.4

In this respect, the nonresponsive time following orgasm can be described as the physiological refractory period.

While this may suggest that the refractory period is mainly physiological, it is important to remember that hormones influence your emotions during the sexual response. Even beyond hormones, how you feel and behave can dictate whether arousal and orgasms are possible.

As such, your ability to have another orgasm is dictated not only by whether you “can” physically but also if you “can” emotionally. This might be referred to as the psychological refractory period.

Refractory Period in Males

The refractory period in males is poorly understood but is thought to be influenced directly and indirectly by several different hormones, including oxytocin, prolactin, and dopamine.

Oxytocin

Oxytocin is a hormone that has many functions in the human body, including the stimulation of breast milk and the contraction of uterine muscles during labor. In males, oxytocin helps induce erections and ejaculation.5

With ejaculation, the sudden surge of oxytocin stimulates the release of the “feel-good” hormone serotonin. This is the hormone that promotes feelings of sexual satisfaction, relaxation, and even drowsiness after sex.2 Serotonin in the brain can inhibit erections following ejaculation, but its influence on the refractory period is still under debate.

Prolactin

>Prolactin, a hormone responsible for lactation (breast milk production), may also influence the male refractory period. During an orgasm, prolactin levels can surge in people of any sex. But in males, high prolactin levels can interfere with the ability to achieve an erection until the levels eventually subside.6

Studies vary, with some suggesting that prolactin plays a central role in the refractory period and others concluding that it has no effect.7

Dopamine

Dopamine is another feel-good hormone that helps facilitate ejaculation. But, after ejaculation, the hormone can also temporarily block sensory nerves of the penis, making it less responsive to stimulation. This is especially true after an intense orgasm.8

The duration of this effect can vary from one person to the next and often for no apparent reason. This may account for why some males recover faster following orgasm while others take longer.8

Average Refractory Period in Males

A small study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2019 suggests that the average refractory rate in males without sexual dysfunction is around 106 minutes.9 The period may be short in young males but gradually increases with age.10

Refractory Period in Females

Oxytocin and prolactin are commonly more elevated in females than in males, and their impact on the refractory period is different than what occurs in males.5 These hormones do not interfere with the sensitivity or function of the vagina and clitoris following an orgasm.

Females are more likely to experience multiple orgasms than males.11 This doesn’t necessarily mean that females have no refractory period.10

In some females, orgasms can lead to hypersensitivity of the clitoris and vulva, making it painful to have sex even if sexual desire remains.12 This response may be regarded as a refractory period during which arousal and orgasms are difficult until the hypertensive sensation subsides.

Multiple Orgasms in Males

Multiple orgasms, which are facilitated by a short refractory period, are uncommon in males. Studies suggest that less than 10% of males in their 20s can achieve multiple orgasms, decreasing to less than 7% after age 30.13

A 2020 study in Sexual Medicine Review suggested that certain factors appear to increase a male’s ability to have multiple orgasms, including:13

  • Practicing masturbation without ejaculation (“edging”)
  • Using sex toys to increase sexual stimulation

Doing so may improve the odds of sporadic multiple orgasms (in which orgasms occur over a period of time) or condensed multiple orgasms (in which you have two to four orgasms, one after the next).

How Age Affects the Refractory Period

Younger males tend to recover and reengage in sex sooner following ejaculation than older males. While younger males may need only a few minutes of recovery time, older males may have a refractory period of between 12 to 24 hours. For some, the refractory period can last for days.10

One explanation for this involves the seminal vesicles that produce and store semen. After ejaculation, the pressure within the seminal vesicles quickly dissipates. When this happens, nerve signals are sent to the brain to produce hormones like follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) that stimulate semen production.14

Until ample hormones are produced and the tension in the seminal vesicles is restored, the refractory period in males can continue. The problem is that, as males age, the time it takes to restore tension in the seminal vesicles gets longer and longer.14

Other Factors That Influence the Refractory Period

The refractory period may be influenced by age and sex, but other physiological and psychological factors can contribute to it, including:

  • Your general health: Having good health or poor health influences your sexual stamina and fitness.15
  • Medical conditions: Diseases like diabetes and rheumatoid arthritis can affect the autonomic nervous system, which regulates involuntary functions like the sexual response.14
  • Sexual dysfunction: Problems like delayed ejaculation or premature ejaculation can undermine a person’s sexual confidence and indirectly influence the refractory period.16
  • The quality and frequency of sex: How much and how often you enjoy sex influences the “sexual pleasure cycle” and your ability to respond to sexual stimuli.3 This, in turn, can influence the refractory rate in males and females.17
  • Number of sexual partners: Studies suggest that males are more likely to have quicker recovery times and multiple orgasms if they have multiple or new sex partners.13
  • Mental health: Females, more than males, may experience a psychiatric disorder called postcoital dysphoria in which they feel fatigued, sad, depressed, or anxious after sex.18 Sexual performance anxiety, common in males, can also indirectly influence the refractory period.19

It can be presumed that the quality of your relationship—how you feel about and respond to your partner—may also have a psychological and physiological impact on your refractory rate. Further research is needed.

Can You Shorten the Refractory Period?

The refractory period is not a sexual dysfunction like erectile dysfunction or female hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD). It is simply the period of time when your desire and ability to have sex temporarily stop after an orgasm.

Even so, people often attribute sexual satisfaction to the intensity of their orgasms, the duration of sex, and, the frequency of orgasm and ejaculation.20

While there are no surefire ways to reduce the refractory time, particularly in males, certain lifestyle changes may increase your sexual fitness and remove the barriers that stand in the way of a “second round” of sex.

According to a 2018 study published in the Journal of Education and Health Promotion, this should include:15

  • Engaging in routine exercise, which can improve cardiovascular fitness, libido, and sexual performance in people of any sex
  • Engaging in sexual fantasy, which intensifies orgasms in males and libido in females

It is also important to manage chronic medical conditions, such as diabetes, that can affect sexual function and performance directly and indirectly.

Summary

The refractory period is the length of time after an orgasm when sexual desire and the ability to have sex temporarily cease. In males, the refractory period can last from minutes to days. In females, the refractory period may be brief or not occur at all.

The refractory period in males is heavily influenced by hormones. Women are not influenced in the same way but may still experience a decline in sexual interest or function after orgasm for other reasons, such as clitoral hyposensitivity or postcoital fatigue.

Certain risk factors may increase or decrease the refractory period, including your general health, mental health, medical conditions, sexual dysfunction, and the quality and frequency of sex. Routine exercise and engaging in sexual fantasy may indirectly influence the refractory rate by improving your sexual fitness, self-image, and sex drive.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Polysexual vs. Pansexual

— How Are They Different?

Polysexual and pansexual are sometimes used interchangeably, but these terms do not mean the same thing. Although similar, polysexual is different from pansexual. Here we explain how and why they differ.

By Sophia Metrakos, RN

    • Polysexual and pansexual are two similar types of sexual identification, but they are not the same thing.
    • Both terms describe individuals who are attracted to more than one gender.
    • Pansexual people are attracted to all people regardless of gender.
    • Those who identify as polysexual are attracted to multiple genders but not all.

    Polysexual vs pansexual explained

    The main difference between polysexual and pansexual is that people who identify as pansexual place no emphasis on another person’s gender, they are what is sometimes referred to as “gender blind”. For this reason, they are attracted to people of all genders.

    Polysexual individuals, on the other hand, are usually aware of others’ gender. They may be attracted to more than one or two genders, but they are still aware of genders, and there are some genders that they are exclusively not attracted to.

    Some people confuse polysexual with bisexual. These concepts may be similar, but they have their differences. Usually, bisexuality is defined as being attracted to your gender as well as being attracted to other genders.

    Polysexuality is sometimes used as an umbrella term to categorize other sexualities. For example, it is sometimes thought that bisexuality and pansexuality are subcategories of polysexuality.

    Is polysexual the same as pansexual?

    No, polysexual and pansexual are different things. However, pansexuality does fall under the category of being a type of polysexuality. There are different subcategories of polysexuality — pansexual is one of them. Some other examples of polysexuality include bisexual and omnisexual. Think of polysexual as an umbrella term under which other concepts can fall.

    Polysexual and polyamory differences

    Sometimes the concept of polysexuality is confused with polyamory; however, these are not the same thing. Polysexuality means being attracted to multiple genders. Being in a polyamorous relationship means being romantically involved with more than one person while all parties are aware.

    Just because a person identifies as being polysexual, does not inherently mean that they prefer a polyamorous relationship. Polysexual people may still prefer to be in a monogamous relationship or, they may not.

    Is polyromantic a thing?

    Polyromantic is another term that is commonly used alongside polysexual. Polyromantic is very similar to polysexual in that it involves being attracted to more than two genders. The difference is that polychromatic relates specifically to romantic attraction, which is usually more emotional and requires forming a deeper connection. In addition, polysexual people are sexually or romantically attracted to multiple genders, so a polysexual person could also identify as polychromatic.

    Polysexuality and relationships

    Being polysexual shouldn’t influence a relationship or dating life as long as the partner is comfortable with the other’s sexual identification. People often confuse polysexuality with polyamory, but just because someone is attracted to multiple genders doesn’t mean they’ll want to date more than one person at once.

    People with unique sexual identifications like polysexual might deal with others assuming that they are gay or straight, which can be uncomfortable. It is best not to make assumptions about another person’s sexuality just based on the gender of the person that they are dating. For example, a polysexual man may be dating a woman then that same man may date a man. You should never make assumptions about another person’s sexual identity, especially based on the gender of the person they are dating.

    Distinguishing between all identities

    It is easy to get confused with all of the different terms that exist today in relation to sexuality. Polysexuality, bisexuality, pansexuality, pomosexuality, and polyamory are all examples. Here are definitions to help distinguish the differences:

    Sexual identity Definition
    Polysexual Sexually or romantically attracted to more than one gender
    Pansexual Sexually or romantically attracted to people regardless of their sex or gender
    Bisexual Sexually or romantically attracted to both men and women
    Pomosexual Chooses not to fit into any sexual orientation label, including homosexual, bisexual, or heterosexual
    Polyamory Sexually or romantically involved in multiple romantic relationships while all parties are aware

    How to tell which term fits your identity

    There is no clear-cut way to figure out exactly what your sexual identity is. The best way to figure out your sexual identity is to live your life, and at some point, you will figure out which term best fits your experience. There is absolutely nothing wrong with changing your identity if you figure out that there is a different term that better fits your sexual identity.

    It is helpful to understand the different types of sexual identities in our society today to understand better what identity might fit best with your personal experience. Sexual identity is a very nuanced concept that is ever-evolving, so it is best not to make assumptions about the sexual identities of others.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Let’s Talk About Intimacy

— Cyndi Darnell, a sex therapist and clinical sexologist, teaches couples how to experience more “pleasure and joy” in their relationships.

“There is a big difference between sex and intimacy,” said Cyndi Darnell, a sex therapist based in Manhattan, who works with couples to help enhance their sex lives.

By Alix Strauss

When it comes to sex, everyone seems to struggle, says Cyndi Darnell, a clinical sexologist, sex therapist and relationship coach based in Manhattan.

“No one receives sex and relationship education,” she said, “so people have confused sex education with reproduction. We’re also told sex is natural, and therefore, we don’t need to teach it. If it were natural, no one would struggle with it.”

In her new book “Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It: The Truth about Mismatched Libido and Rediscovering Desire,” Ms. Darnell, 51, an Australian native, invites couples to reflect on why sex matters to them.

“I wrote the book because sex is profoundly misunderstood in our culture,” she said.

She works with both couples and individuals virtually in her practice, which includes “arousal, erotic experience and personal reflection regarding how your body feels,” said Ms. Darnell of her education and therapeutic based work. She charges $250 for a 45-minute session for an individual, and $500 for a 90-minute couples session.

“I teach people how their bodies work from a pleasure perspective, and how to identify what makes sex meaningful for them,” she said. “Then I give them the skills they need to navigate the difficulties they face while creating a richer sex life that’s fulfilling so they can experience more pleasure and joy.”

Her services include everything from a one-question email option, which costs $190; online courses that start at $27; to a private couples retreat weekend, which usually takes place at a yoga or dance studio, for $8,000.

How are you different from a couple’s counselor or a therapist?

This is not meeting two or three times a week for years, looking into your childhood or your past. This is a virtual coaching experience that is usually 10 to 20 sessions, focusing on your present and your sexual future. We talk about their history of sex, what’s been good, what are they struggling with, how they would identify the challenges and help them see they are not broken. Together we strive to increase their eroticism with each other and their embodied experience of sex.

How do your sessions work?

Through talking and teaching people how to touch each other in a way that is meaningful to them — usually illustrating that with the use of puppets — they learn to connect with their own sensations and how to communicate that with their partner. I give them homework and activities to try by themselves or with each other, from breathing practices to erotic massage techniques that they would then practice on each other.

I also introduce skills that put them in touch with what their bodies are craving. Once they have a solid understanding of how their bodies respond to pleasure, I invite them to practice privately, asking them to notice what pleasure feels like in their bodies physiologically and what their internal narrative is like. Usually it’s negative: “I shouldn’t be feeling like this,” or “I’m taking too long.” This derails people’s capacity to hold pleasure because it produces panic or anxiety.

A lot of the practice is around remaining mindful and connected to their own pleasure and what feels good to them while being attentive to what’s going on, and what they’re experiencing. That takes practice.

You offer a one-question email option. Why?

Sometimes people want an answer to a specific problem or issue like, Why do I have trouble orgasming? or Why don’t I feel connected to my partner during sex? I answer that in a five- or six-page response that includes suggestions to links, podcasts, books, videos, resources, and exercises or activities to try. What they are really asking is, Am I normal? That’s the theme.

What do your weekend retreats entail?

These are for couples I’ve worked with before who hire me for private retreats. Over the past decade I’ve done this with 40 to 50 couples. Everyone is vetted, there’s an application form. And couples have to like each other. It’s not relationship therapy, it’s intimacy and sexuality coaching for couples that want an experience, a place inside themselves in the presence of their partner that they will remember for the rest of their lives.

Over the next 48 hours couples are introduced to a variety of techniques that awaken and inspire erotic connection. These include breath work, erotic massage and sensation play. We also expand the possibilities of what sex can be for that couple, which involves teaching arousal and connectivity for their entire bodies.

Clothing remains on, unless they are working on their homework in the privacy of their weekend living quarters.

How do you define intimacy, and how is it created?

Intimacy is not sex — they are very separate things. Intimacy is a profound dance of self inquiry, a willingness to see and be seen, to expose yourself to yourself, and then accept who you are. Doing that with another person comes second. Most people can’t do that. It’s a high-risk activity. And it doesn’t mean your partner is going to do it back, which is why there’s so much uncertainty.

These are different qualities that we bring to sex. We can have both, but we can also have one and not the other. Not everyone wants sex with intimacy or intimacy with sex.

What are some other misconceptions about intimacy and sex?

That good sex is spontaneous, simultaneous, and mutually orgasmic — that’s a lie. That sex is intercourse — also a lie. That desire is essential to have good sex. It’s not. And that men and women are profoundly different, not true. That’s a narrative that derails heterosexuals.

That most people have never experienced meaningful touch and don’t know what that is. That they do not know what produces satisfaction for them. And they can’t tell you what makes sex feel good or memorable. People want to feel a particular, physical, emotional way that is unique to them — say big and powerful, special or safe, seen and understood, validated and valued. These are the reasons people have partnered sex.

What advice can you offer to couples who might be struggling?

Getting comfortable asking for what you want helps tremendously, because when we can speak our truth to a lover, we have a greater chance of finding the satisfaction we seek from sex. You might not get what you want, but the practice of asking is revolutionary for people.

Be attentive to who’s benefiting from whatever it is you’re doing. If I’m pretending that it’s for you when it’s actually for me, then the sex is going to be terrible, as it creates a creepy power dynamic.

Slow sex is really useful. If you rush, you’re feeding your anxiety. If you can slow it down, your body has time to respond to your nervous system, and your brain has time to sync up with your sensations. Don’t make sex goal oriented, rather give yourself permission to feel good.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Are fetishes acquired or inherited?

— On the origin of fetishes

By Ruoyan Li

Fetishes are non mainstream sexual interests in non genital body parts, inanimate objects, or behaviours. But why do some people have fetishes while others do not? Are fetishes acquired, inherited, or both? This topic is debatable, but evidence suggests that fetishes may be inherited.

What are fetishes?

Using an extensive sample survey, Claudia Scorolli — an associate professor and researcher in the Department of Philosophy and Communication Studies at the University of Bologna — and her colleagues classified the objects of fetishism into three categories and six subcategories. The three categories are body, objects, and behaviours.

The six subcategories are parts or features of the body like feet or weight — including body modifications like tattoos; an object usually in association with the body, like shoes or headphones; an object not usually associated with the body like dirty dishes or candles; a person’s own behavioural habits like biting fingernails; the behaviour of other persons like smoking; and interactional behaviours like domination, humiliation, and roleplay.

Some may think fetishes are rare, as they are non mainstream sexual excitements. However, recent findings counter this belief. In a 2016 study of 1,040 Canadians, 26 per cent of participants reported engaging in some form of fetish activities at least once in their lives.

In other studies, over 60 per cent of male college students and more than 50 per cent of female college students reported fantasizing about a behavioural fetish known as BDSM — bondage, domination, submission, sadism, and masochism. These results may make it less embarrassing to admit and discuss fetishes.

Despite these statistics, fetishism was once considered to be a mental illness, similar to non heteronormative sexualities and non cisgender identities. But now, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, fetishism is considered a disorder only when it causes “significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.” Gloria Brame, a sexologist and self-proclaimed fetishist, iterates that fetishism isn’t a hobby, but a legitimate sexual identity instead.

Unfortunately, fetishism researcher Giselle Rees has found that people with fetishes are still stigmatized and discriminated against as unhealthy, sick, or ‘crazy.’ Rees explains that one popular myth about people with fetishes is that they “need their fetish to have sex.” As such, those with fetishes are considered “abnormal.” However, Rees explains that people with fetishes can regularly engage in and enjoy conventional intercourse without their fetish.

What causes fetishes?

While initial theories claimed that fetishes resulted from early life experiences, later experiments contradict this thesis.

In 1966, Stanley Rachman — a psychologist at the Institute of Psychiatry, Maudsley Hospital and former professor emeritus in the Department of Psychology at the University of British Columbia — conducted a study to investigate whether a fetish was a conditioned response. Participants were first shown photographs of naked women, followed by a picture of women’s black boots. Following this, the image of black boots was found to induce sexual arousal successfully.

Anthropologist Katharine Gates theorizes that some fetishes are a result of simulation of the brain circuit involving smell and memory. Since the olfactory, memory, and emotion centres of the brain are tightly connected, a certain smell could become a trigger that connects with emotional contents and memories. This theory may explain air freshener fetishes, as well.

Further, neuroscientist Vilayanaur Ramachandran provides a neurological explanation for foot fetishes. In the brain, sensory information from the feet is processed adjacent to sensory information from the genitals. In this regard, there may be some “neural crosstalk” between these two brain areas. Fetishization is less likely to occur for body parts whose cortical representations are far from that of the genitals.

Do fetishes have a genetic component?

Fetishes tend to be permanent. In their 2007 paper, Scorolli and her team proposed that body-related fetishes may be genetic, while object-related fetishes may be more related to early-life events.

A behavioural fetish may reflect an individual’s personality. An example of such a personality trait is sensation-seeking. The Kinsey Institute’s research fellow Justin Lehmiller identified a pattern of interest in BDSM fetish among sensation-seekers.

Sensation seeking has a genetic basis related to the dopamine receptor D4 (DRD4) gene, which encodes the dopamine receptors that receive and relay biochemical signals from dopamine. A rare mutation of the DRD4 gene with 7-repeat sequences (7R) results in a version of the gene that encodes dopamine receptors less sensitive to dopamine. This means that people with the DRD4 7R+ allele need to participate in more thrilling activities to achieve the same level of pleasure as someone with the normal DRD4 gene.

Besides sexual fetishes, the DRD4 gene also influences several sexual behaviours, such as virginity status, sexual fantasies, sexual unfaithfulness to a committed partner, extra-relationship sex partners, and sexual novelty. In general, compared to individuals with the normal DRD4 allele, those with 7R+ are more active in sex and have more risky sexual behaviours.

This shows that there might be interesting evidence about behavioural fetishes as they relate to personality traits and their genetic basis, but more evidence is needed to corroborate and strengthen this relationship. For now, it appears that early life experiences, learned behaviour, neurological connections, and genetics all contribute to fetishism. With the progressive destigmatization of fetishism, there will likely be more research about the origin of fetishes.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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‘Ghosting,’ ‘Orbiting,’ ‘Rizz’

— A Guide to Modern Dating Terms

The way we talk about relationships has drastically changed in recent years. Here is a glossary of some of the most popular words and phrases you should know.

By Gina Cherelus

Picture this: You’re currently single and “cobwebbing” in the aftermath of your previous failed relationship. The attractive person you thought had “rizz” is starting to exhibit “beige flags,” so you turn to your ongoing “situationship” for attention, but deep down you hope to meet someone worth “soft-launching” on Instagram. Can you relate?

To describe yourself as single and in search of a relationship is almost too simple of a label in 2023. The way we seek romantic connections, especially with the influence of social media and dating apps, has naturally altered our behaviors and language around dating.

The fact that more people are meeting online creates an “abundance of options,” said Natalie Jones, a California-based psychotherapist who specializes in relationships and narcissism. This can make it difficult to develop a genuine connection, or can lead to toxic dating habits.

“I think that’s where these terms are coming from because now people have an abundance of people to choose from, and so different sorts of behaviors are being highlighted,” Dr. Jones said. “When you have so many people to choose from, you can ghost, you cannot call, you can hide who you truly are through online dating.”

Although there are dozens of new dating terms being used today, we spoke to Dr. Jones and Shan Boodram, a sex and relationship expert with the dating app Bumble, to help us narrow down the top dating terms that you’ll need to know.

A picture of a slice of bread and bread crumbs.

Breadcrumbing

When someone consistently checks in with a romantic prospect, dangles the possibility of a date and keeps them interested, but never follows through with what they really want: a relationship.

This act of self-love refers to purging any mementos from previous relationships (old sweaters, text threads or photos) in an effort to move on. Holding on to old phone numbers and pictures, Ms. Boodram said, “keeps someone from being fully present and invested in their dating journey.”

Cuffing

Derived from the word “handcuffed,” it’s the act of getting tied down to one partner, usually during the colder months of the year (also known as cuffing season). To be cuffed can also refer to someone in a serious relationship outside of cuffing season.

Cyberflashing

The act of sending unwanted sexual images to another person through digital means, such as on a dating app or social media platform, but also via text or another file-sharing service, like Airdrop.

Although there’s no federal law prohibiting cyberflashing, states including California and Texas introduced laws last year that give victims the opportunity to have legal recourse if they receive unwanted sexual images online. Other states are writing legislation to handle this issue.

A picture of a glass jar holding chocolate chip cookies.

Cookie-jarring

When a person seeks a relationship with someone else as a backup plan. In the same way that people might reach for a cookie when they want an instant treat, someone who is cookie-jarring pursues their backup person when the one they actually want isn’t available or has rejected them.

The Three Flags: Green, Red, Beige

Green flags are positive, compatible traits that a person possesses. Red flags are negative, potentially harmful traits. A person displaying beige flags is not necessarily good or bad. They are just dull, boring and lack effort in dating. “What we perceive as flags can vary from person to person,” Ms. Boodram said, “and though there are flags in real life, they can also be displayed via dating apps, too.”

Gaslighting

To manipulate someone into making them doubt their powers of reasoning, perceptions, memories or understanding of an event that happened. Common methods include blatant lying, denial and trivializing their feelings, which can result in an unhealthy power dynamic shift in a relationship.

Ghosting

The act of disappearing without warning or cutting off all contact with someone you’re dating, someone you’re in a relationship with or even someone you’ve simply matched with online. “Ghosting is very dehumanizing and a lot of people don’t understand that,” said Dr. Jones, who added that it can lead people to question their self-worth and value as a human being. “A lot of times it kicks up abandonment triggers.”

Love Bombing

Lavishing a new romantic partner with grand gestures and constant contact, while also keeping them isolated from friends and family in order to gain control in the relationship. Not all grand gestures of affection are red flags, which can make love bombing hard to spot.
< A picture of red, blue and orange orbits against a black background.

Orbiting

When someone has cut off communication with a person, or they have made it clear that they are not interested in pursuing a relationship, yet they continue to interact with that person on social media, usually through views and likes.

This also applies to the practice of observing potential love interests on social media, without initiating contact. Dr. Jones said that a lot of people — often women in heteronormative relationships — can mistakenly interpret this as someone being intentional about their interest, when it might not be.

“They can just be going through social media, sitting on the toilet and liking posts,” she said. “It can mean absolutely nothing and a lot of times it does.”

Rizz

This newer concept is short for “charisma” and is commonly used among members of Gen Z. It’s very popular on TikTok, Ms. Boodram said, and refers to someone’s ability to flirt with and attract a potential love interest. This can be having an engaging personality or having an unspoken allure that others cannot resist. Kai Cenat, a Twitch streamer and influencer, who coined the term, clarified that rizz originally referred to the ability to attract someone who wasn’t initially into you.

Situationship

A romantic or sexual relationship in which both parties do not communicate clearly to define their status. Unlike those who are “friends with benefits,” neither party in a situationship is certain of what the other is to them. This can be confusing and lack the consistency and support that comes with a defined relationship.

Soft-Launching

Posting a discreet photo or video of your new partner on Instagram or other social media to announce your relationship while still hiding their identity. The idea is that you don’t want to post about them on your account too soon in case it doesn’t work out. One example: sharing photos of only your partner’s hands clasped in yours. “You’re slowly trying to introduce the idea that you all can be a thing,” Dr. Jones said.

“Social media is involved in everything,” she said. “It’s like the third wheel of the relationship now.”

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Why can’t I have an orgasm?

— Sexperts share advice on achieving bedroom bliss

If you’ve been worrying, “Why can’t I have an orgasm?” no need to panic—the pros are here to help

By Danielle Valente

“Why can’t I have an orgasm?”

There’s no need to chuck your sex toys in the trash or skip out on a sofa sex adventure. Whether you’re experiencing something psychological or emotional that could be standing in the way of your sexual satisfaction, the pros are here to help you get back on track and revel in a satisfying O.

And, above all, it’s important to remember that the phenomenon isn’t a “make it or break it” deal.

“An orgasm isn’t the be-all and end-all of sex, nor does it define a sexual encounter,” Annabelle Knight, a sex and relationship at Lovehoney (opens in new tab) previously told My Imperfect Life.

That being said, it is still in pretty high demand, so allow the professionals to help walk you through any potential hiccups you might be experiencing.

There isn’t necessarily a clear-cut answer. While medical factors might inhibit some women from achieving orgasm, emotional hurdles might prevent others from having a satisfying experience. Regardless, the first step towards taking back the pleasure is identifying the problem.

“Many people may have anxiety that can interfere with the ability to relax and enjoy the present moment. This can lead to difficulty becoming aroused, achieving orgasm, and performance anxiety,” says sex and relationship expert Melissa Stone.

Though it may seem like everyday stressors wouldn’t be an issue in bed, that anxiety can carry over into your sex life, so it’s crucial to take an extra few steps towards calming your nerves.

“It is important to practice self-care and find healthy ways to manage stress and anxiety such as deep breathing and mindfulness meditation,” Stone says. “Additionally, talking to a therapist can help to explore deeper issues and find ways to cope with and manage them.”

When it comes to physical causes, everybody is different—quite literally. Hormone imbalances, medications and conditions like endometriosis could be contributors to your orgasm’s elusiveness. Another factor we oftentimes overlook is vaginal dryness, so perhaps it’s time to play around with different types of lube. Whatever the case might be, should you believe that the issue is pressing, make an appointment with your doctor. (And have a look at what gynecologists want you to know about your reproductive health.)

Melissa Stone is a sex and relationship expert at Joy Love Dolls, the “world’s leading authority on sexual exploration, adult toys and realistic dolls.

How to get back on track with your big O:

Before going into panic mode, there are methods to consider if you’re looking for that memorable final moment. Pippa Murphy, the sex and relationship expert at condoms.uk, and Stone, break down different remedies to consider.

1. Talk about sex

If you cannot orgasm with a partner, you have to be frank. Talking about sex is the key to making it better and analyzing what works and what might need some fine-tuning.

“Couples that communicate openly and honestly are more likely to maintain a stronger emotional connection, which naturally leads to better sex,” Murphy says.

Should you feel a little bit stressed about sex, you’ll be more relieved once you have an open dialogue.

2. Try using lube

There’s a lot of misconception about lube—don’t think that it can’t help you.

“Whilst many people believe that lube is strictly for those who suffer from dryness during sex, that certainly isn’t the case and can bring a lot of benefits to the bedroom,” Murphy says. “For example, it can enhance pleasure by creating different sensations like a warming or cooling effect wherever it’s applied. Plus, previous studies have shown that lube makes it 50% easier for everyone to orgasm. Need I say more?”

Have more Qs about lube? Don’t worry—we asked them so you don’t have to!

3. Experiment during solo sex

One-on-one time gives you the freedom to do as you please without the fear of judgment from a partner. Solo sex is necessary for you to find out what you like and what you could do without. Plus, the experts say masturbation is the key to women’s most intense orgasms.

4. Switch up positions

Should your go-to move not really feel satisfying, try switching things up. And don’t forget about erogenous zones—Murphy says a little extra attention in these spots will go a long way. (Plenty of sexperts make the case for nipple orgasms.)

5. Try foreplay

“Your brain is wired to experience more pleasure when the anticipation of a reward goes on for a long period, making foreplay even more key to an orgasm,” Murphy says. “So, if you feel that your partner rushes it, take control of the situation and ask them to slow down.”

We’ve rounded up fun foreplay ideas to get the ball rolling.

6. Don’t underestimate kissing

A simple smooch goes a long way. And science says kissing during sex increases the chance for orgasm.

“A study found that couples who kiss for at least six seconds had the most successful relationships. This is because the kiss gives you enough time to get out of your brain and, instead, be in the moment,” Murphy says. “Chances are you may get more sexually stimulated as time goes on, increasing your chances of orgasming.”

7. Stay present

Though at times it’s easier said than done, remember the importance of staying in the moment. Don’t let your thoughts drift.

“Relax and try to enjoy sex. If what goes through your mind during sex isn’t exactly sexy (e.g., “What am I doing wrong?”), it’s easy to lose sight of what matters most — enjoying yourself in the moment,” Murphy says. “So instead of focusing on how things should be or what’s going wrong, try thinking about what feels good and what makes you happy.”

While you’re at it, be sure to have a gander at the best sex tips ever and the 2023 sex trends dominating the bedroom. And again, should the orgasm issue persist, don’t be afraid to seek professional advice from a doctor.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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It’s Tough to Talk to Your Partner About Sex.

— Here’s How to Start.

First, simply acknowledge that you have it, says sex therapist Vanessa Marin. Then move on to some compliments.

By Catherine Pearson

Vanessa Marin has dedicated her career to discussing the most private details of other people’s sex lives. But, for a long time, she found it hard to talk about her own.

In a new book, “Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life,” the sex therapist, 38, admits that she faked orgasms for 10 years because she couldn’t bring herself to tell partners what she liked. Things improved when she met her husband, Xander Marin, now 37, but once the initial excitement wore off, the pair found themselves in front of an expensive couples counselor, struggling to articulate why their sex life sometimes felt disappointing.

Today, the Marins have parlayed their radical honesty and relatability into a business centered around sexual education, with a popular podcast, a suite of online courses and more than 300,000 followers on Instagram. Ms. Marin paints herself as someone who has often felt awkward and unsure in the bedroom, despite her professional credentials. Mr. Marin, who is not a therapist, says he offers a nonexpert perspective on what it takes to get more comfortable talking about sex.

“So many of us feel alone when we’re struggling with sex,” Ms. Marin explained. “Like, I must be broken; I must be the only person going through this; everyone else has a great sex life. So it feels important to me to lead with vulnerability.”

The book, which the Marins co-wrote, is based on a simple — and, they acknowledge, well-trodden — conceit: Many sex problems stem from poor communication. Yet people seldom get specific and structured advice about how to have those conversations, the Marins believe. The book’s five sex talks are centered around acknowledgment (“sex is a thing, and we have it”), connection, desire, pleasure and exploration.

“I’ve never had a relationship in which I talked about sex as openly, honestly or frequently as I now do with Xander. I’ve also never had a relationship in which the sex was as deeply intimate and wildly satisfying as it is now,” Ms. Marin writes. “I don’t think those two things are coincidences.”

Here’s what Ms. Marin had to say about why it can feel so daunting to talk about sex with our partners and about how to get started.

Questions and answers have been edited and condensed for clarity.

You write that most of us don’t talk about sex often, if at all, with the person who regularly sees us naked. How do you suggest people start those conversations?

A big mistake people make is either they never talk about sex, or the only time they do acknowledge it is when there is a problem, so you sit down to have one of those “we need to talk” conversations. What we tell people is to incorporate talking about sex into their lives on a more regular basis. We recommend you start with giving compliments.

Try giving a compliment about your partner’s physical attractiveness, or the attraction that you feel for them throughout the day. It could be something really tame like: “You look nice today” or “Your eyes are really beautiful.” You can also offer some sort of compliment about the connection you feel. If you’re giving them a hug hello or goodbye, you say, “It feels so good to be in your arms.”

Compliments are an easy way to start talking about sex more openly. There are no goals to those conversations. You’re not trying to accomplish anything. You’re not making any requests or raising any complaints. There’s a little flirtation in it.

You do write a lot about the importance of flirting and trying to create a sense of anticipation around sex. Why is that so important, and what if that kind of flirtation just isn’t part of a couple’s relationship anymore?

Many of us have this expectation that we should feel desire spontaneously out of nowhere, in the exact same moment our partner does. But that’s just not how it works in real life. We write about an idea called the “sex drive simmer,” which is about finding ways to maintain some of the sense of tension and anticipation that you may have had early on in your relationship throughout the day.

One thing a couple can do is exchange flirty text messages, and that doesn’t mean that you’re constantly texting back and forth. It could be something simple like, “Looking forward to seeing you later.” Another thing that we love telling couples to do is to make a playlist of songs that get them in the mood. Just playing that in the background can also be a great way to keep that tension alive.

Part of the book focuses on building a foundation of sexual self-awareness, so people get to know what they enjoy and can eventually share that with a partner. What’s a good first step?

I think anyone can think about the question: What does good sex mean to me? Try to be as detailed as you can about it and to come up with as many answers as you can.

You can kind of trace the arc of a sexual experience so: What is it that you like to feel leading up to sex? (Like, I like it when we’ve had some quality time together already that day.) It can get into how you like sex to be initiated. It could get into what kind of environment you like sex to happen in, and what energy you like to feel during sex. Is it passionate? Is it intimate? Is it safe? Silly? What do you like after?

It’s very easy for us to focus on the problems with our sex life and our frustrations with it and not flip that around to ask: Well, what is it that I actually want?

You write a lot about awkwardness. For instance, you tell people who worry if it will feel strange to start having sex again after a dry spell that it probably will. And you write that awkwardness is the price of admission for good sex. Why?

When you see sex portrayed on TV or in the movies, everything flows, everything looks beautiful and perfect. But sex is a very awkward thing. Maybe you try a new position and it doesn’t feel very good, or you can’t figure it out. We really love just turning that on its head and saying it’s not something to be afraid of or embarrassed about, it’s something to embrace. If you anticipate awkwardness, that brings that pressure way down.

There’s no way to grow up without some amount of sexual shame. We all have embarrassment that comes up around sex. We have areas of our sex life that we don’t want to talk about. We’re all in the same boat together in that sense. But it can make such a big difference in your life individually, and in your relationship, if you can tackle that head on.

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5 Signs You May Need Marriage Counseling

— Relationship guidance from a professional can help with communication, intimacy and trust

You and your spouse used to vibe like peanut butter and jelly. But now, you seem to come together like oil and water. You may have different expectations and ideas when it comes to your marriage, parenting styles and finances.

So, is it time to send for reinforcements — in the form of marriage counseling?

Admitting you need help can be both scary and humbling. But it can also lead you to a happy ending: a healthy relationship built on open communication.

Clinical psychologist Adam Borland, PsyD, shines a light on relationship red flags and answers your marriage counseling questions.

What is marriage counseling?

Marriage counseling is when partners seek outside help in their relationship, typically from a licensed mental health provider.

During a session, you’ll talk about any issues or problems you’re experiencing in your relationship. Marriage counseling can be helpful for any stage — whether you’re in a new relationship or have been in one for years. Some couples even go to pre-marriage counseling or premarital counseling to learn communication skills and how to solve problems that may arise.

And when it comes to couples therapy vs. marriage counseling, Dr. Borland says the terms are often used interchangeably and that the goal of both forms of talk therapy is resolving problems and working on one’s relationship.

To have a healthy relationship, Dr. Borland refers to three important tenets: good communication, honesty and trust. Marriage counseling can help you restore — or even establish — all three.

Marriage counseling can:

  • Improve communication so you both feel heard, understood and connected.
  • Strengthen the emotional bond between partners.
  • Increase cooperation.
  • Reduce stress.

And don’t think of marriage counseling as a sign that you’ve failed at your marriage or relationship. In fact, seeking professional help can make your bond stronger.

5 signs you may need marriage counseling

Marriages are like fingerprints — no two are the same. Each partner brings a set of hopes, dreams, personality quirks and family baggage to the relationship. And when you mix those factors together, it can be fireworks, a firestorm or both. That’s why Dr. Borland says there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to figuring out the best time to seek help.

“Earlier is generally better, but it depends on the couple’s relationship dynamic,” he notes. “Finances, therapist availability, and societal and cultural variables can play a role in a couple’s decision to pursue therapy.”

By paying attention to these signs, Dr. Borland says you may be able to pull out of the fire before your house burns down.

You struggle to communicate

Does this sound familiar to you? Your home is either really loud (from all the yelling) or very quiet (silent treatment, anyone?).

If so, it might be helpful to have a trained professional assess the situation and give you and your partner guidance on how to effectively talk to each other and work through issues.

“It’s not uncommon for couples to feel as though they’re having the same argument over and over again,’” says Dr. Borland.

There’s a lack of physical or emotional intimacy

Your relationship used to be filled with passion and lots of love. But if you’ve seen (and felt) the romance fizzle, it could be helpful to have someone recommend strategies that focus on each other like having a dedicated date night.

“I’ve had couples describe feeling more like roommates with minimal intimacy or sexual chemistry, rather than spouses,” he adds.

The trust has been broken

You suspect your partner is lying. Or you know that you definitely are. Perhaps there’s been infidelity. But cheating comes in many forms.

“Infidelity isn’t based solely on sexual behavior,” explains Dr. Borland. “Relationship trust can be broken through online communication or while using social media.”

During marriage counseling, you can work through your trust issues and determine whether that trust can be re-established.

You’ve gone through a major life change

“The birth of a child, the death of a loved one, moving homes, a new job or retirement — these changes have a huge impact on your marriage,” states Dr. Borland.

Being able to navigate changes in your life together is important, and during marriage counseling, you can learn techniques that help you and your partner settle into your new normal.

And if those major life changes affect others in your family like children, it might be a good idea to go to marriage and family counseling so everyone in your home has a chance to express their feelings and learn techniques on how to cope.

One of you has an addiction

This can be a scary situation. “An addiction to drugs, alcohol, gambling, pornography, spending or other problematic behaviors can put a significant strain on a relationship,” says Dr. Borland.

It can be difficult to know how to approach a loved one, as you may feel anger and resentment toward your partner. Or if you’re the one with a substance abuse disorder or addiction, it can be hard to admit that you need help. But working with a marriage counselor can lead to open and honest conversations.

How effective is marriage counseling?

So, does marriage counseling work?

According to the American Psychological Association, marriage counseling works about 75% of the time. Those in abusive relationships and those already actively separating make up a big portion of the remaining 25%.

“There are plenty of couples whose marriages have been strengthened and saved by marriage counseling,” reassures Dr. Borland. “I remember one couple telling me, ‘We’re laughing more. We’re doing things that are fun.’ And who doesn’t want more fun in their life?”

Marriage counseling can be worth it. You’ll not only learn how to communicate better, but you’ll also learn how to handle conflict (because let’s be honest, you’re still going to have an occasional disagreement).

What to do if your partner refuses to go to marriage counseling

It’s not uncommon to have one person in a relationship who refuses or is hesitant about going to marriage counseling.

In that case, it can be tricky to resolve issues, says Dr. Borland. If your partner has never been to therapy, it can be helpful to explain how it works and the benefits you may both receive.

If your partner is worried about how your relationship might change, remind them that the goal is to make your relationship stronger.

And when you do start marriage counseling, you may become frustrated that your partner is refusing to be open about their feelings. Dr. Borland says this is common and that you need to be patient.

“It can take several sessions before someone feels comfortable enough to openly share their feelings,” he says.

If your partner isn’t interested in seeking help, you can also consider going to therapy solo where you can develop strategies that make you an effective communicator and listener.

How to find the best marriage counselor for your relationship

Now that you’ve decided to give marriage counseling a try, you may be wondering how to find a marriage counselor.

Finding the right counselor can feel like looking for a needle in a haystack. Dr. Borland suggests these resources:

Once you identify the person who will hear your deepest, darkest secrets, Dr. Borland recommends giving it three or four sessions before passing judgment. It’s important that you and your partner both feel comfortable with who you pick. And honestly, it could take talking to a few different professionals before you find the right fit. But it’s worth the effort.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Concerned about your sex drive?

— Here’s everything you need to know

Because a ‘normal’ sex drive doesn’t exist…

By Emilie Lavinia

Sex drive. Two words many of us shy away from, for fear of discovering we have an “abnormal” desire for sex – whether that’s a high or low libido.

In reality, many of us have misconceptions about our sex drive and don’t realise that it’s normal for our desire for sex to fluctuate throughout our lives. With the help of sex and relationships experts, we dive deeper into what your sex drive really is, and the factors that could be impacting it.

What does ‘sex drive’ mean?

Sex drive or “libido” is the term used when we talk about our appetite for sex – whether that means sexual thoughts, fantasies and daydreams or sensations and experiences. “Libido is the desire someone has to interact in sexual activity,” explains Jessica Sepel, founder of and the creator of Libido+. “Your sexual desire is the force that can either lead you toward or away from sexual behaviour.”

Sex expert Dr Emily Nagoski, author of seminal book on desire, Come As You Are, suggests that there’s actually no such thing as a so-called sex drive because a drive and a desire are not the same thing. Dr Nagoski says that instead of “a drive”, when it comes to sex, what humans experience are different styles of desire. Nagoski calls these two types of desire spontaneous and responsive.

  • Spontaneous desire is exactly as it sounds – it’s a desire experienced at random, a sudden feeling or sensation.
  • Responsive desire requires some kind of stimulation to evoke sexual desire – be this visual, physical, through sound, scent or memory.
Come as You Are

Natasha Marie, sexual wellness expert at MysteryVibe adds: “Boosting desire involves a collection of things, the foundation of which is understanding your sexual response cycle and identifying how you respond to sexual stimuli. Do you feel desire first? Or arousal first? Do you have a spontaneous sex drive? Or a responsive sex drive?”

What’s a normal sex drive?

It’s easy to feel insecure about how often you want sex, how frequently you feel sexy or the rate at which you experience sexual thoughts and feelings, but there is no rule book. We do know however, based on centuries of the study of sex and sexuality, that certain periods in a person’s life will see either a generally increased or decreased appetite or craving for sex. Peaks and troughs in desire can be influenced by all sorts of factors, but primarily, the causes are hormonal. This is due to the natural fluctuations in hormone levels that take place within our bodies.

What are the signs of a high sex drive?

A high sex drive is generally characterised by how often you show an interest in sex and experience desire, but it doesn’t necessarily reflect how often you engage in sexual activity. Having a high sex drive looks different to different people.

Some common signs of a high sex drive include:

  • Having regular sexual thoughts and feelings
  • Feeling turned on often
  • Feeling connected with your sexual identity and your body
  • Sexual confidence
  • Sex-positive attitude

What causes a high sex drive?

Hormones

“Many of us tend to think about our sex lives as separate from our personal and professional lives, but everything that transpires carries into the bedroom,” says Natasha Marie of MysteryVibe. Our hormones are the greatest catalyst for increased drive and desire. For example, women who experience a testosterone deficiency might experience symptoms like low libido. While high testosterone can be responsible for a higher libido, it can also signal issues like polycystic ovary syndrome, also known as PCOS. Our hormones require a state of balance that can be upset by a myriad of lifestyle factors, such as diet, stress and sleep, and our sex drive depends on this balance being maintained.

Healthy lifestyle

A high sex drive is also linked to a healthy body. The better your heart function, the more balanced your endocrine system and the healthier your circulation and respiratory system, the easier it will be for you to be turned on. Your stamina, ability to orgasm and your recovery time after sex will also be boosted by these factors.

“It might seem trite and basic, but all your lifestyle choices influence the quality of your sexual wellness and confidence.” says Natasha of MysteryVibe. “It’s important to get adequate sleep, eat a nutritious diet to fuel your body, exercise regularly, and incorporate mindfulness practices into your life, like meditation, that equip you to navigate daily stressors.”

Jessica Sepel of JSHealth adds: “Exercise, mindfulness and yoga ultimately all enhance sexual satisfaction. Increased sexual satisfaction therefore has a direct effect on mood, relationships, connection and self love. So if you are feeling healthy, calm, happy and stress-free it’s likely you will have a heightened sex drive.”

What causes a low sex drive?

Stress

Even if you’re a healthy person with a positive attitude to sex and pleasure, it can sometimes be challenging to get into a headspace that embraces this, especially when life presents so many stresses and distractions. Some people rarely think about sex and find it difficult to get in the mood to do so. We’re rarely encouraged to think about what happens to your body and brain when you orgasm day to day. When women’s lack of sexual desire is persistent and distressing, it’s called hypoactive sexual desire disorder and it’s more common than you might think.

“The world we live in is enormously stressful and stress has a huge impact on people’s sexual relationships and desire to have sex.” says Jessica of JSHealth. “We know that our minds and bodies must be relaxed in order to feel like sex as well as enjoy sex. So really, if you are struggling with low libido, it is not your fault.

Hormones

Low testosterone is the primary hormonal cause of low libido in men and women. Hormones in the female body will begin to decrease naturally with age as perimenopause and menopause kicks in, and it’s not just testosterone loss that causes issues here. Oestrogen and progesterone levels will also begin to drop causing stress, anxiety, loss of moisture in the body – which can lead to uncomfortable dryness – muscle and headaches, and mood swings. With all this going on it can be incredibly challenging to feel sexy.

Painful sex

Due to dryness, conditions like vaginismus and the symptoms of menopause or childbirth, sex can sometimes be painful. Just worrying about how the sensation of sex might feel is enough to put anyone off and this can contribute to a chronic low sex drive. It’s not always possible to masturbate either. Issues with pain can put us off self touch as well as partnered sex.

Natasha Marie from MysteryVibe says: “Sometimes we encounter barriers that prevent the experience of pleasure, like pelvic pain and pain during penetrative sex, which can require a little more diligence to overcome to heighten libido. It’s always best to consult a healthcare professional when experiencing pain.”

Shame and embarrassment

It doesn’t matter how old you are, embarrassment about sex and your body can be hard to shake off. Shame can be a confidence killer and can make you feel morally conflicted about having a high sex drive, having sexual thoughts and feelings or wanting to act on them. The worst thing you can do is beat yourself up for how you feel or try to suppress your sex drive.

Our thoughts shape our reality, so be mindful of negative self-talk. Overcoming years of neural programming can be a tall order, but it’s absolutely possible to re-write your internal narrative. “Acknowledge any negative thoughts or biases towards yourself or others, then replace them with positivity. Compliment yourself on repeat, like a mantra, until it becomes a reality. This may be triggering for some to confront intimate truths and may take effort and patience.” says Natasha Marie of MysteryVibe.

Loss of romantic spark

If you’re in a long-term relationship and feel like the sexual or romantic sparks are not as bright as they once were, you’re not alone. “Scientists have discovered that oxytocin, a bonding hormone that helps turn you on, is mostly released during the early stages of a relationship.” says Pippa of Condoms UK. “In fact, the hormone is so strong at the beginning of a relationship that it works like a drug and continuously makes you crave sex. However, as time goes on, there’s a natural decline in the release of this hormone.”

As we grow accustomed to a particular type of relationship and a certain type of sex, it doesn’t matter if this is our favourite, we’re naturally predisposed to find it less exciting as time goes on. A loss of spark and a familiarity, whether with a partner, or even in the way we practice self pleasure, can cause a drop in desire and it’s worth keeping an eye on this to see if your routine and the way you show yourself and others affection might need shaking up.

My sex drive is different to my partner – is this normal?

Our differing desire styles, hormonal fluctuations, lifestyle choices and external influences can all affect how much we’re in the mood for sex and often, couples experience what’s known as arousal non-concordance.

This is a mismatch of libido but can also be used to describe unmatched feelings and actions or unequal expectations and experiences. For example, you and your partner might experience desire at different times, or, you might find that you’re often in the mood to enjoy self pleasure but your body doesn’t respond by getting wet or hard. Arousal non-concordance is entirely normal and is something lots of people experience, especially when it comes to sex during menopause or sex in midlife.

“Sometimes we encounter mismatched sex drives within relationships, and while that is normal, it can make us want to increase our sex drives to match our partners.” says Natasha Marie of MysteryVibe. “Thankfully, we’re in the era where sexual liberation meets innovation, and there are methods and tools that make the job of boosting your sex drive very pleasurable.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What People Get Wrong About Sexless Relationships

By Kelly Gonsalves

There are many reasons why sex gets so much attention when it comes to discussing a healthy relationship: It’s a uniquely connective experience where couples get to completely shed their walls, get playful with each other, and indulge in giving and receiving physical pleasure, all in a way that is (for monogamous folks) not shared with any other person.

That said, while sexual intimacy can certainly bring couples closer together, one of the biggest misconceptions—according to one licensed sex therapist we spoke with—is that healthy relationships require an active sex life.

It’s OK for couples to not be having sex.

“Relationships absolutely can survive without sex,” licensed sex therapist Shadeen Francis, LMFT, CST, recently told mbg.

In fact, while sex does offer many benefits, both for an individual’s well-being and for a relationship, that doesn’t mean relationships always suffer without it, or that a lack of sex is always a sign of trouble in the relationship. “Lots of relationships have extended periods without sex, circumstantially or intentionally, and are still fulfilling and sources of love and connection,” she says. “This can ebb and flow, or be a sustained context of the relationship.”

Here are some examples of situations where couples might have little to no sex without it being a relationship crisis, according to Francis:

  • When partners are long-distance or have opposing schedules
  • When a partner is ill or unwell and therefore unable to have sex comfortably and safely
  • When partners are tired or burned out
  • When partners may abstain from sex for religious or spiritual reasons
  • When one or both partners lose interest in it
  • As long as both partners are on the same page about it and are continuing to find other ways to enjoy intimacy together, Francis says it’s not inherently a problem if a couple puts sex on the backburner.

Sexless relationships can be healthy and fulfilling.

There’s a common assumption that sexless relationships are inherently unfulfilling, or at least less fulfilling than sexual ones. But that’s actually a big myth, according to Francis.

“Not everyone wants to have sex, and not all people consider sex to be an integral part of their partnerships,” she points out.

Of course, many people do have an innate desire for sex and see it as vital to their relationships, but it’s important to recognize that that’s not true for everyone. For example, ever heard someone say they could go the rest of their lives without ever having sex again? (Or maybe that’s you?) Some people really do experience little to no desire for sex—also known as asexuality. “Asexuality exists as an umbrella, and is an example of a group of people who may intentionally create relationships that have low or no partnered sex experiences,” says Francis.

While much research has demonstrated a connection between sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction 1 , it’s important to remember “sexual satisfaction” can mean vastly different things to different people and different couples. A couple might have one single, fabulous sexual encounter a year and not really feel a desire to do it any more frequently; that’s sexual satisfaction for them. Another couple might have sex every week, but one person wants it more often and the other finds the sex to be a chore. That’s probably a pretty unsatisfying sex life, despite the fact that they’re having frequent sex.

Likewise, for some couples, having little to no sex might actually be a pretty satisfying situation. As Francis puts it, “If both partners are in agreement to not have sex, then not having sex is not a problem and can bring people closer as they create the kind of relationship that honors their desires.”

And for the record, one 2017 study 2 found sexlessness in the past year had virtually no impact on an individual’s self-reported happiness—even among married people. People who had no sex in the past year reported being about as happy as those who had been sexually active. This isn’t to say that sex isn’t important to some people (it definitely is!), but it may not be as universally necessary to everyone, as we’re so often told.

The problem with compulsory sexuality.

Constant emphasis on how much sex couples are having and how to increase sexual frequency can contribute to what some experts refer to as compulsory sexuality.

Compulsory sexuality is that prevalent idea that all humans need sex and should be aspiring toward having an active sex life. In addition to invalidating the experiences of asexual people, compulsory sexuality can make everyone feel like there’s something wrong with them or their relationship if they’re not having a ton of sex.

“Societal pressure to have sex or have a certain amount of sex is harmful to everyone,” Francis points out. “It is disembodying and coercive to feel forced to have sex, and people feel the impact of that even when the pressure is coming from a cultural script.”

Some research backs this up, too: A 2015 study 3 found that when couples felt pressured to have more sex, the increased sexual frequency that resulted actually decreased their overall happiness in the relationship—and resulted in them feeling even less motivated to have sex.

That means that, if you’re pushing yourself to have more sex when you don’t actually authentically want that, it might just harm your relationship even further.

On the other hand, as Francis points out, feeling like your experience of desire is being honored and accepted exactly the way it is can actually help couples feel closer to each other as they co-create a mutually satisfying relationship.

Put simply, “If folks do not want to have more sex than they are having, that is to be celebrated,” she says.

The takeaway.

Here’s the long and short of it: If you’re having less sex than you (or your partner) would like, and it’s causing tension in the relationship, then the relationship will of course benefit from more intentionality and investment in this part of your lives.

But if you and your partner aren’t having sex, and neither of you has a problem with that, then there’s nothing to worry about. All those external voices around you telling you there’s something wrong if a couple doesn’t have an active sex life? Ignore them.

Sex isn’t mandatory for a healthy relationship. It’s up to you and your partner to decide what role it does—or doesn’t—play in your lives.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

 

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Fight Sexual Ageism and Boost Your Sexual Self-Confidence

— While some assume the thrill of sex dies down with age, that’s just one of many misconceptions

By Taneia Surles

For many individuals, having sex can release stress and be a way to explore different forms of intimacy with their partners. While some assume that the thrill of sex dies down in the latter stages of life, that’s not the case.

An older couple kissing in the kitchen. Next Avenue, sexual ageism, sex in your 60s, midlife
You may not be able to engage in sexual experiences as you did in your 20s and 30s, but that’s completely okay. Instead of focusing on the past, learn to love and appreciate your body and find new ways to have fun in the bedroom.

Unfortunately, this popular misconception has caused many older adults to hold back on exploring their sexuality, leading to physical and emotional insecurities that can be difficult to overcome. Here’s a look at what sexual ageism is and how you can revamp your sexual self-confidence as an older adult.

What Is Sexual Ageism?

Ageism itself is any form of discrimination against older adults. Combined with sexuality, sexual ageism is the social stigma that older adults no longer have an interest in sexual intimacy with others.

Although many might assume that older adults are no longer sexually active, many still pursue intimacy in their later stages.

“Sexual ageism is when older people are stereotyped as being non-sexual, not capable of having sex or enjoying a sex life like they did when they were young,” said Amy Killen, MD, an anti-aging and regenerative medicine physician specializing in aesthetics and sexual medicine, and the medical advisor at Joi Women’s Wellness.

Although many might assume that older adults are no longer sexually active, many still pursue intimacy in their later stages. In fact, according to 2018 findings from the University of Michigan’s National Poll on Healthy Aging, many older adults still have an interest in sex, regardless of whether they are or aren’t sexually active.

Here are some of the poll’s results:

  • 65% said they had an interest in sex.
  • 40% of respondents reported that they were sexually active.
  • 83% of those who reported being sexually active noted that sex was essential to their quality of life.
  • 73% of respondents were satisfied with their sex life.

3 Myths Associated With Older Adults and Sex

Sexual ageism is commonly associated with older adults because there are many misconceptions implying that the older generation isn’t looking for sexual relationships.

“The world is rife with the idea that we ‘age out’ of both being sexy and wanting sex.”

Some widespread misunderstandings about older adults and sex are:

1. Once you become older, you’re no longer capable of having sex.

“The general misconceptions from people outside of that age group is that no one is having any sex and that if they are, it’s probably boring,” said Alice Leach, sexpert and creative director of Tapdat, a casual dating app. “The world is rife with the idea that we ‘age out’ of both being sexy and wanting sex.”

2. Older adults don’t talk about sex, so they must not be active.

Although society is now more sex-positive, many older adults may feel uncomfortable sharing their sex lives with others. Because of this, many may assume that because older adults are not talking about sex, it means that they aren’t doing it.

3. Aging bodies are seen as “unattractive.”

Due to the media and pornography, if someone’s body is not slim, tan, and flawless, it may be deemed “unattractive” by society. With this in mind, there are misconceptions that older, aging bodies are not appealing, which isn’t the case.

Effects Of Sexual Ageism

The negative misconceptions surrounding older adults and sex can pose significant mental and physical effects on this population.

“The first step to staying sexually healthy is to stay physically healthy.”

Sexual ageism can affect their perceptions of sex by keeping them from sharing their sexual health concerns with their doctors, like STD prevention, or cause them to lose interest in sex due to the social stigma that they shouldn’t be sexually active.

Aside from the social factors, sexual ageism can affect their overall health. For example, a 2017 study reveals that ageism’s effects on sexual activity can lead to poorer health outcomes.

Reasons Why Some Older Adults May Not Be Sexually Active

Sometimes, older adults may want to explore their sexuality, but factors hinder their ability to do so. Some of these factors primarily occur among older adults.

Here are a few reasons why older adults may not be sexually active:

  • Chronic conditions like arthritis, gout, diabetes
  • Mental health conditions like Alzheimer’s disease, dementia or depression
  • Certain medications
  • The loss of their partner
  • Negative body image or low self-esteem issues
  • Low sex drive or libido
  • Incontinence (loss of bladder control)
  • Pain during sex
  • Menopause

Tips For Embracing and Exploring Your Sexuality

Your sex life doesn’t have to stop when you become older. Unfortunately, sexual ageism may always exist, but it shouldn’t hinder you from exploring your sexuality. Learn how to embrace your sexuality and overcome negative stereotypes with these tips:

Prioritize your health

One way to lead a healthy sex life is to ensure you’re taking care of your health. Eating a nutritious diet, being physically active, and staying on top of your health conditions can help you have more enjoyable sexual experiences.

“The first step to staying sexually healthy is to stay physically healthy,” said Killen. “The foundations of long-term health, such as daily exercise, adequate sleep, stress management, and a balanced diet are also the foundations of a good sex life.”

Communicate with your partner(s)

Communication is key to having safe and fun sexual experiences. As an older adult, you may encounter more pain, dryness, and low libido when engaging in sex. With this in mind, it’s essential to be comfortable telling your partner when you’re feeling discomfort or want to try something else.

“Open communication with a partner is very important,” said Amir Marashi, MD, a board-certified cosmetic gynecologist/pelvic pain specialist, sexpert, and founder at Cerē. “There is no shame in explaining that you might need extra help or time becoming aroused or lubricated.”

Celebrate Who You Are

You may not have the same body or be able to engage in sexual experiences as you did in your 20s and 30s, but that’s completely okay. Instead of focusing on the past, learn to love and appreciate your body and find new ways to have fun in the bedroom.

While age and age-related health conditions can potentially limit some of your sexual capabilities, there are still multiple ways to be sexually confident and lead a healthy sex life.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A beginner’s guide to understanding Dom/sub dynamics

— Want to try kink but don’t know where to start?

By Gigi Engle

If you’ve been wanting to try kink but aren’t sure where to start, you’ve come to the right place.

There are hundreds (probably thousands) of guides out there to kink, but they often don’t focus on the building blocks of healthy kink relationships.

We need to walk before we can run, you know?

Enter the foundational layer of kink: The Dom/sub dynamic, or D/s. “Dominance and submission is the general container for almost all kinks,” explains Julieta Chiaramonte(Opens in a new window), a kink instructor, writer, and sex expert.

Understanding what the Dom/sub dynamic is, how it functions, and how to negotiate around it in your own relationship(s) is key to creating the kinky sex life of your dreams. It is the base layer. It is the fundamental configuration of role play.

Once you have a solid grasp on D/s, the rest — the whips, chains, blindfolds, sitting in Jell-O, using fake blood, etc. —can be built on top. We’re not here to yuck anyone else’s yum when it comes to your kinks, but we do want you to be confident in how to act on them.

Here’s everything you need to know.

What the Dom/sub dynamic actually is.

While Dom/sub dynamics are primarily found in kink, they actually play out in most forms of sex. One person is usually the more submissive partner, while the other is more dominant. But within the context of BDSM, these dynamics become even more explicit. BDSM stands for bondage, Dominance/Dominant, submissive/submission, and sadomasochism. This is when two or more people engage in consensual power exchange. The sub willingly hands over the power within the scene to the Dominant.

The key word here is “consent.”

“BDSM provides a framework for individuals to engage in [this] consensual power exchange,” says Dr. Nazanin Moali(Opens in a new window), a sex therapist and the host of the Sexology podcast.

The key word here is “consent.” Kink is all about giving and taking power in an empowered way. “Since consent is the cornerstone of these practices, it provides an opportunity to ensure [that] the person surrendering control and the person in charge stay within the sexual boundaries they’ve set,” Moali adds.

How D/s can play out in BDSM scenes.

D/s dynamics will play out in every kinky scenario, because it is the core of the practice. But how it shows up is another story. This is one of the things that makes kink so appealing. You can completely customize an experience to cater to your specific interests.

Some examples of Dom/sub relationships:

  • A classic D/s bondage scene: The Dom acts as a master over the submissive. This usually entails punishment, sensory play, etc. Think: 50 Shades of Gray, but not shit.
  • A caretaking scene: The Dom “takes care” of the sub. The sub is called a Little in this dynamic.
  • A Dom/brat scene: The sub is a “brat” and purposely “disobeys” the Dom in order to receive punishments.
  • A Master/pet: The Dom is a pet-owner and the sub is the pet.

There is a common misconception that Dom/sub dynamics are inherently pain-focused or violent. This just isn’t true.

Chiaramonte explains that the paddles, crops, and ropes are about deepening the bond between the Dom and their sub. “A Dom may consensually practice bondage with their submissive to deepen their power practice,” she explains. “Bondage in this scenario can be used as a punishment, a reward, or a sensory experience to show who’s boss in a safe way.”

There is a common misconception that Dom/sub dynamics are inherently pain-focused or violent. This just isn’t true.

But nurturing a Dom/sub dynamics is not entirely relegated to the sphere of pain play. Kink can involve sensory play, elaborate pain-free role play, and much more. These scenes are made by the two or more people playing them out. It is a unique and fully bespoke experience.

Negotiating boundaries within a Dom/sub dynamic.

The sub is not under the Dominant’s coercive control. They are an equal member in the power exchange. That means that BDSM and kink and are all about negotiation. “The discussion you have before play is the place to express boundaries you both have, your expectations, and to set the stage for consent,” Chiaramonte says. “This helps create healthy boundaries before entering a dynamic.”

Moali says that while you should be “sure you have a ‘safe word’ that you may use during the scene to immediately halt any actions, it is [also] important to have periodic conversations about your boundaries.” When you’re new to BDSM, you may not be entirely sure of every boundary you have. Feeling like you’re safe to explore edges with the ability to say “no” when something isn’t right is key.

Do not go forward in a situation without having a conversation first. While all boundaries and scenes are negotiated, the Dom takes on a lot of responsibility within this dynamic. They are responsible for the sub’s safety — both mentally and physically. If you’re taking on a Dom role, you need to be extra-aware of the care you need to take to ensure the sub’s boundaries are respected. As a Dom, you have been given the reins to control the scene. And this shouldn’t be taken lightly.

Do not go forward in a situation without having a conversation first, Chiaramonte says. “If someone asks to play before setting any sort of negotiation and boundaries, [that’s a] red flag,” she explains.

This does not mean that the sub does not have power. Everything is highly negotiated and supplemented by the use of a safe word. A safe word is a non-sexual agreed upon word or phrase that indicates the sub has reached their limit. Once a safe word is invoked, the play stops – either entirely or for a break.

The importance of aftercare post-kink play.

BDSM and kink scenes come with the need for a great deal of concentration, a lot of emotional intensity, and physical requirements (such as dealing with pain, tying knots, etc.). “When we get deep into sub-space or dom-space, we experience a high nearly identical to that of drugs: We’re stimulated, [have] heightened emotions, and can feel in another dimension,” Chiaramonte tells us.

Subspace has been described as similar to a deep meditative state — which research shows(Opens in a new window) can feel incredibly therapeutic and has lots of psychological benefits. But because this meditative state in kink can be highly emotive, we need to take post-play into consideration. You need to take some time to “come down” from the scene.

This is where aftercare comes in.

Aftercare is when the Dom and sub have some connection time. This can look like cuddling, bringing the sub a glass of water, talking through the scene, and much more. As with boundary negotiation, you’ll need to take time to figure out what kind of aftercare you and your partner(s) need.

Aftercare is crucial when doing BDSM because it allows us to return to a state of equilibrium and calm after particularly intense scenes. “Engaging in aftercare fosters a sense of trust as well as providing a sense of connection,” Moali says.

Aftercare isn’t always just the Dom taking care of the sub. Sometimes the Dom has big post-scene emotions as well. We all need care after emotionally complex experiences; having empathy for that can make your kink experiences so much better.

Learning new dynamics is rewarding.

The D/s dynamics in kink (and all sex) can be incredibly rewarding and offer an enriching way to view your sexuality and sexual experiences. Taking time to fully grasp the complexity and nuance associated with the roles we play in sex offers us greater insight into who we are as humans.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Closing the curtain

— The importance of aftercare post-sex

By Lily Thomas

Like a play, sex has a beginning, a middle and an end. The end of sex is called aftercare, and it involves sexual partners checking in and supporting each other’s needs.

Though aftercare originated in the BDSM and kink community, it can be a part of all sexual experiences.

Rachel Zar, licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist, said sex is not a complete experience unless there is aftercare involved.

“Because the physical intimacy of sex is just as important as the emotional intimacy of sex, aftercare helps us to deal with any emotions that come up, to counter any sexual shame that there may be, to ground ourselves if we’re feeling any post-coital dysphoria (PCD), and to increase our feeling of connection with our partner.”

During sex, several hormones, such as dopamine, are heightened. When the sexual experience ends, however, Zar said oftentimes people experience a crash, which can manifest into PCD.

PCD causes negative emotions like sadness and anxiety after a consensual sexual experience. According to a study by the National Center for Biotechnology, 46% of respondents experienced PCD symptoms at least once.

“If you just had sex with this person and immediately after sex ends, they just roll over and start to do something else, it’s almost like they’re abandoning the moment, like they’re not really present with you,” Zar said. “They’re not helping you transition and you’re not helping them transition from this playful space back into reality, and that’s what’s really important.”

Zar said aftercare can be a variety of things, including: cuddling, kissing, having a snack, rehydrating, watching a movie together, showering, taking care of any injuries, or even having a simple conversation.

First-year Jamie Davis, whose major is undecided, believes there is a lot of shame surrounding the topic, which leads to miscommunications between sexual partners.

“I think we need to change the way we socially talk about sex,” Davis said. “Even though we’ve tried to come very far, I feel there’s [still] discomfort about it. I think that everyone would benefit from just being more honest and more open about things.”

To practice aftercare, Zar recommends self-advocating for the type of aftercare you want. If you do not feel comfortable asking someone for aftercare, Zar recommends considering if that is a safe person for you to be vulnerable with.

For Davis, sex has been like a “double-edged sword” because of a combination of negative and positive experiences. Though they have only experienced true aftercare once, they enjoy talking about the experience after. Going forward, they will try to discuss their wants and needs before sexual experiences.

“I’m trying to be more honest about these experiences,” Davis said. “I hope that maybe I’ll meet somebody and they’re like ‘yeah that happened to me too.’ I think there’s some kind of comfort in talking about it with people, and anyone who actually matters will be understanding.”

Freshman creative writing major Cassius Green believes that anyone who engages in sex should also be engaging in aftercare, whether you are in a relationship or not.

“A lot of people think that aftercare is only something for people that are in love or in relationships, and I think that’s also not true,” Green said. “It doesn’t always have to be holding each other and talking about how much you love each other. Aftercare can be more casual and it can also be sexy.”

His favorite form of aftercare involves cleaning up and getting dressed before making tea and toast to replenish themselves.

“It’s not also just about one person taking care of the other,” Green said. “It’s for both people to just experience connection and express appreciation for one another after you engage in sex, which is a very intimate thing.”

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