— Three isn’t a crowd, it’s a party.
By Sarah Lempa
A wholesome threesome: The best rhyme ever? We think yes.
“Two simply isn’t enough, let’s add more!” – Whichever brilliant soul had the first threesome in history (or so I presume). Adding an extra to your sexcapades, joining a dynamic duo, or taking part in a random mélange of new lovers can be downright hot and fulfilling. But we’d be remiss to neglect addressing the common complexities that accompany group sex.
Whether “uh oh, I have feelings” vibes from an unspoken love triangle or Good Old Fashioned Overwhelm, threesomes can be a lot. Mismanaged expectations or murky communication are enough to wobble any trio in the sheets. Fear not, however, there are ways to set yourself (and the whole team) up for success.
Here’s our guide to having an emotionally supportive threesome.
Get comfortable talking about group sex
Don’t quote me on the math here – but if it’s awkward to discuss, it’s going to be at least eighty times more awkward in practice. I’m not saying you need to come up with a blueprint of every single stroke and sensation (please don’t ever do that) but discussing group sex before it happens is a solid way to craft a shared vision that supports everyone. Get comfy talking about it outside of the bedroom, on neutral territory, where you can suss out the vibe without any “in the moment” pressure.
Cay L. Crow(Opens in a new tab), a sex therapist and founder of Orchid Toys(Opens in a new tab), an adult toy shop, affirms it’s all about the upfront communication. “I typically recommend that the love triangle have a meeting, preferably over dinner and drinks, to discuss expectations. This requires a level of transparency and honesty that is tough but necessary,” she explains. Seeing as dinner can be a sexy segue into something more, it can be a win-win.
It takes a certain level of comfort and confidence to casually chat about blush-inducing topics. But not only does it allow for alignment of expectations, it also puts the sexual tension in a pressure cooker – which sounds intense and potentially dangerous – but builds some delicious anticipation. Trust and openness are fuel for good sex, period.
Level with yourself and your expectations
Speaking of expectations… Get real about yours before getting undressed. Are you fulfilling a juicy fantasy? Embarking on a one-time mission purely for curiosity? Dreaming of being a throuple? Gaining a crystal clear idea of why you’re even doing this, and what you want out of it, is a pretty damn good place to start.
Don’t keep it to yourself, either. Communicating expectations is a vital way to prevent confusion and hurt. As Crow puts it, “One partner might expect this to be a one-time thing, while another partner hopes it is ongoing. A partner of a couple might feel that a threesome is fine, but the third party is a sexual guest of the couple and there will be no time alone with either partner.” While that may sound like a complicated conversation, it’s a hell of a lot less complicated than piecing together where everyone’s at post-sex if there was zero communication in the first place.
Discuss desires and be upfront about any boundaries
Not only is “What’s Your Fantasy?” by Ludacris a smash hit, it’s also a question we should ask ourselves. Lena Elkhatib, a sex and relationships therapist who founded Essentia Therapy(Opens in a new tab), recommends asking the following: “Are you looking to be the ‘guest star’ of the threesome, or do you want the attention to be shared? Would you like to do more watching than participating or prefer all hands-on-deck?” The possibilities are endless, folks!
Talk about what you want and don’t want. Nobody wants a surprise finger in a place they’ve mentally ruled out. Assert whatever is a no-go and establish any boundaries so everyone’s on the same page. Get on the same page with protection – condoms, birth control for anyone with a uterus – all the goods. Elkhatib also recommends using a safeword “for either stopping or pausing sexual activity if something unexpected comes up in the moment. This helps create safety for everyone involved and gives actionable tools for partners to recalibrate if needed during their sexual encounter.”
Tend to the relationship dynamics involved
Who you are within a threesome dynamic, and who you’re with, makes a world of a difference. Sleeping with a formerly platonic friend has the potential to be incredible, but there are some times where the vibes become questionable. Are you strangers? Starry eyed lovers? Old friends sitting atop years of juicy, built up sexual tension? Consider the dynamics and how they may shift once sex is in the equation.
For couples, Elkhatib suggests: “If you’re in a primary relationship and inviting a third to join you, make sure you and your partner discuss any concerns or fears you have around having a threesome, such as jealousy, comparison or relationship insecurity, and talk about ways to mitigate some of those potential threats.” Coming up with an emotional game plan of sorts, in case someone begins to feel jealous or uncomfortable, is a good way to prepare.
“If you’re in a primary relationship and inviting a third to join you, make sure you and your partner discuss any concerns or fears you have around having a threesome, such as jealousy, comparison or relationship insecurity.”
Don’t forget to show your guest some hospitality, either. We get it, you’ve got the hots big time for each other. They’re a human just like you, though – not an object to solely be sexualized. Threesomes should be fun for everyone, so be cognizant of balancing the level of interaction and attention. An absence of such can leave your third feeling left out or used.
If negative emotions come up during the threesome – body image issues, jealousy, or self-consciousness – take a break and tend to what your body needs most, whether an open conversation, some reassurance, or a bit of time alone. It’s perfectly okay to slow down or stop completely if things aren’t feeling good. If you’re comfortable sharing what’s going on with your partners, do so. Most importantly: Prioritize your immediate needs and remember to breathe. Your mental health is more important than someone else’s orgasm.
Think of it as an improv show rather than a scripted play
When Shakespeare said “all the world’s a stage,” I really hope he wasn’t including the bedroom. Threesomes should be a pure act of improv rather than anything scripted – allowing things to play out organically without pressure. “Sometimes people go in with a rigid script of how everything should go, which can create pressure and anxiety,” Elkhatib says. “By thinking of it as improv – the stage, players and parameters are set in advance, but the ‘show’ is ultimately co-created in the moment.”
As with any great act of improv, there’s bound to be an awkward moment or two. One minute you might be breathily teetering on the edge of orgasm, only to be like “hold up, my foot is trapped under someone’s thigh” minutes later. Everyone’s experience is going to be completely different, and you might end up surprised over what you like or dislike about it all.
Dr. Elyssa Helfer, a certified sexologist and the founder of Elevated Healing Center(Opens in a new tab), suggests embracing the occasional awkwardness. “Media portrayals of threesomes are almost always inaccurate in that the representations lack the realities of the humanness that can occur when bringing multiple bodies together. Unexpected noises, smells, positioning mishaps and even the occasional slip off of the bed are all possible. Embracing connection, fun and authenticity rather than perfection as a goal can be a great way to appreciate humanity in one another,” Helfer says.
“Media portrayals of threesomes are almost always inaccurate in that the representations lack the realities of the humanness that can occur when bringing multiple bodies together.”
Don’t forget the aftercare
When I say “aftercare,” you say “check in on one another post-threesome and make space for any emotions that arise!” Seriously though, threesomes can bring up a wide range of feelings. Checking in with yourself and your partners is a healthy way to debrief.
Elkhatib shares some intel on how to go about it: “Discuss what you each liked or would like to do differently next time. The end goal is to make sure there is space afterwards to give one another care and attention in whatever capacity is needed, and let partners know they won’t be left hanging.” Basking in that post-sex glow together never hurt, either.
“Having a threesome is about accessing new sensations and feelings, and each new experience gives you more insight to your sexual self. So even if it doesn’t play out the way you imagined, it’s still a chance to learn about yourself and grow sexually,” Elkhatib concludes.
Oh yes, nothin’ but wholesome self-growth in our threesomes.
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