Tag: communication skills

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What Is a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Relationship in Non-Monogamy?

— And can it actually work?

By Gigi Engle

One of the most interesting things about consensual non-monogamy (CNM) is its fluidity. These relationship structures are co-created by partners in order to establish a situation that works for them and their needs, which means that each CNM partnership functions in its own unique ways.

While CNM’s key tenants tend to emphasize openness, communication, and honesty, what this looks like for any given consensually non-monogamous partnership will vary. And for some couples in open relationships, that means not wanting to know anything about what their partners do (sexually/romantically) with other people. Like, at all.

Enter: Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. Not to be confused with the hugely controversial US military policy that discriminated against the LGBTQ community until its 2011 repeal, a Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT) policy in consensual non-monogamy refers to the way partners communicate—or, rather, don’t communicate—about sexual or romantic experiences outside of their relationship.

DADT “is different from other non-monogamous agreements in that it prioritizes a lack of transparency between partners, which goes against the openness and honesty that is typically encouraged in non-monogamy,” says polyamory educator and sex positive advocate Leanne Yau, founder of Poly Philia. This means that partners agree to have sex with and/or date people outside of their relationship, but they don’t disclose those experiences to each other.

The question is: Can these arrangements work for people? And if so, how?

Let’s take a deep dive into what a DADT relationship really is, how it works, and any potential issues that can come up as a result of having an agreement like this—because, spoiler alert, such issues are, uh, not not a possibility.

What is DADT and how does it work?

As we’ve established, DADT means you’re allowed to have sex with people outside of your relationship, but you don’t talk about it with your primary partner. “[It is] a principle used by CNM people so that they can experience freedom from the typical monogamous expectation of sexual exclusivity, but without needing to make clear agreements or practices of transparency,” explains Joli Hamilton, PhD, CSE, a qualitative researcher who focuses on non-monogamy.

Cosmo’s ‘Navigating Non-Monogamy’ columnist Zachary Zane, author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and sex expert for Fun Factory, says it’s important to understand that this is *not* the same as cheating. While DADT does mean not telling your partners about the sex you have with other people, everyone is consenting to the arrangement. “Before you and your partner ever sleep with someone else, you have a sit-down conversation where you make it clear that it is acceptable to sleep with other people under certain circumstances,” Zane says. “And when you do sleep with other people, you do not tell your partner.”

For a DADT arrangement to work, all people involved need to be on board. This means that not only do the primary partners agree to it, but their outside partners also need to be aware of and consent to the DADT agreement. Informed consent is the only way to have ethical non-monogamous dynamics.

Can Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policies really function in a healthy way?

Basically, these agreements can work for some people…if they’re willing to communicate. This may seem paradoxical given that the whole idea of DADT is that you don’t share details with your partner. But in order for a DADT policy to actually work, clear negotiation is crucial. Hamilton says that without communication, the seemingly simple rule of “just don’t tell me anything” can get confusing pretty quickly.

The level at which non-disclosure functions will depend on your relationship boundaries. “A person might ask their partner that they don’t even tell them the basics, such as when they’re going on a date with another person—after all, ignorance can be bliss,” says Yau. “At the extreme end of DADT, a person might just want to pretend that they and their partner are monoamorous, and that there are no other people involved.”

Zane says that these arrangements tend to work best when sex outside the relationship is done sparingly, if one or both partners travels frequently, or if partners are long-distance. “Often, DADTs have a rule that you can only have sex when out of the state,” he explains. “This works well when one partner travels a lot for work. Additionally, the other partner won’t ever ‘run into’ the person their spouse slept with out of state, which can cause drama.”

What are the downsides of DADT arrangements?

Hate to break it to you, but these policies can certainly become problematic. This is especially true if the agreement requires lying about where you were or who you were with in order to avoid disclosing details of outside relationships.

“I think if you find yourself in a situation where you have to lie to your partner about what (and who) you did consistently, this will lead to problems,” Zane says. “Additionally, a partner can start to second guess their spouse’s whereabouts, which can make you become obsessive, resentful, and anxious.”

Basically, it comes down to how your agreement functions in your particular partnership. Surprise: DADT tends to cause issues if you’re using it to avoid the work of dealing with your feelings. “Non-monogamy requires significant emotional work, and avoiding that doesn’t solve the issue,” Yau says.

Hamilton agrees, saying that the lack of communication that is usually present with a DADT can leave couples feeling like they’re walking on eggshells, always unclear of the rules or if they might be breaking them. This can lead to some pretty precarious situations that can be very hard to overcome.

It’s all about intentions, right? If you have a DADT because you simply aren’t interested in knowing about your partner’s other sexual and/or romantic relationships, that’s one thing, but if you have a DADT to avoid difficult feelings, that could be a potential pitfall.

“There is a distinction between partners who don’t want to have that much information about each other’s partners because they simply aren’t interested to know, and partners who are doing it because they want to pretend that it isn’t happening and want to bury their heads in the sand,” Yau says.

If you and your partner want a DADT agreement, here are 3 ways to make it work

Have a crystal clear agreement

Relationship therapist Rea Pearson, a sex-positive BACP-accredited counselor and clinical sexologist, says that couples should literally sit down and write their agreement out. This gives everyone a chance to think through the details and set boundaries. “The agreement would include all the major rules and boundaries that are important to them, but can be reviewed and amended as time goes on. It might include areas such as whether sex is protected or not, and how often partners test for STIs,” she says. It may also include how often partners can see other people, how much time is allotted for other partners, and certain spaces that are off-limits, such as the shared home.

Consider *why* you want this

It’s important to spend some time honestly thinking about your intentions for wanting an agreement like this. Be willing to self-reflect. Hamilton says that she doesn’t encourage clients to enter into DADT agreements because it impacts their ability to grow together.

“If what you want is to be able to pretend that your partner isn’t who they are, I’d encourage you to consider what that will feel like in a year or five,” she says. “If you’re in a short-term situation, then consider if this is how you want to practice relating, because if you get used to making clear, explicit agreements with partners it becomes easier and easier,” she says. “If you practice DADT, you don’t give yourself that opportunity.” Essentially, a DADT can work in a short-term framework, but it rarely has legs to stand the test of time.

Be willing to renegotiate

Lastly, it’s important to understand that just because you have a DADT policy in your relationship doesn’t mean it will always work for you (and, in fact, they rarely do). CNM dynamics deserve to be interrogated. Couples should come back to the table regularly to revisit agreements that are in place and determine if they’re still working for everyone involved. Pearson suggests having a weekly check in. “By checking in regularly, [partners] are far more likely to recognize a problem early on and be able to tackle it before it escalates,” she says.

Being open and willing to change or alter dynamics allows consensually non-monogamous relationships to continue to exist in harmony. While a DADT agreement can work, endeavoring to move to a place of more openness and honesty is likely the best course of action if you want your relationship to, well, stay a relationship.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A sex therapist’s advice on having a successful long-distance relationship

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In the new season of Sex Education, Otis and Maeve, our favourite “will-they-won’t-they” couple (let’s be honest, Ross and Rachel aren’t quite as fun), are taking a chance on love again. However, as ever, things aren’t so easy. This time they have to work out how to be together while apart, as Maeve embarks on a writing course in the US. Yep, they are in an LDR (long-distance relationship).

Typically, LDRs are deemed less successful compared to couples in closer proximity. But being in close proximity doesn’t always go hand-in-hand with relationship satisfaction. I’ve seen this myself as a sex and relationship therapist, where I frequently encounter clients who, despite living side-by-side, still experience feelings of loneliness and a lack of intimacy with their partners.

And, according to a survey in 2021, 58% of couples in LDRs do manage to sustain a satisfactory lasting relationship. So don’t write them off. And if you’re in one yourself, here are some useful tips on how to negotiate the potential pitfalls of an LDR.

1. Texting

As Maeve and Otis’s relationship unfolds, they quickly learn how to navigate through the dos and don’ts of long-distance dating and communication mishaps. For example, while the duo starts off in a playful texting manner, communication suddenly comes to a halt. How the couple engage next is an example of how texts can be hard to interpret and lead to misunderstandings.

Take the question mark for example – it can mean many things. Maeve asks Otis for a sexy picture, a request that goes unanswered so she sends him a “?”. While Maeve is expressing impatience or frustration, feeling like she is being ignored, Otis interprets the text as pressure. While it isn’t her intention, the text contributes to making him feel embarrassed, awkward and under pressure to respond. Same text, different feelings.

In my experience, there are perhaps better ways of communicating by text. When we don’t have the words, we rely instead on limited textual cues – emoticons, question marks, gifs and so on – which makes it easy for our texts to be misconstrued and sometimes get “lost in translation”. Text messaging in LDRs demand exceptional communication skills. So always be clear about what you need (and how to ask for it) and always communicate openly and honestly about how you feel.

Other texting tips to consider when you are in LDRs:

  • Avoid heavy (emotionally loaded) topics by text.
  • Minimise ambiguity when texting to avoid misunderstandings.
  • Always check in with your emotions and self-regulate before texting your partner.
  • Consider time zones and different schedules.
  • Communicate frequently.
  • Be present and responsive during interactions.
  • Organise regular face-to-face meetings to maintain connectedness.

2. Understand attachment styles

Distance can trigger feelings of jealousy and insecurity. Attachment theory provides a valuable framework for understanding the formation of love relationships and what influences how individuals perceive, initiate and maintain romantic connections.

For example, individuals with a secure attachment style tend to have healthier, more stable and satisfying relationships. In contrast, fearful-avoidants fear rejection and often hold negative views of both themselves and their partner.

When researchers looked at how individuals connect and keep their relationships going, they found something interesting. People who are not so sure about their relationships avoid being close. They don’t express their true feelings or don’t like to talk about themselves in the relationship or don’t give much assurance. Assurance in this context is regarding love and how much you care about someone and the relationship. These maintenance behaviours are necessary for relationship satisfaction and for building trust.

For Otis, trust is an issue as he grapples with a new handsome friend of Maeve’s. Feelings of inadequacy rise. Could his greatest fear be abandonment? And if so, might this explain his uncertainty about the status or future of the relationship?

Eventually, Otis opens up about his fears that Maeve is not fully committed and that she might never come back. This is a good example of a couple practising honesty and openly communicating their emotions, ultimately fostering a stronger connection between them.

3. Creative long-distance sex

Research has found that sex is beneficial to our wellbeing, whether it is solo or with a partner(s). Yet often the biggest challenge for monogamous couples in LDRs is the lack of physical closeness.

 

So, how can LDR couples bridge that gap? Otis and Maeve have a go at phone sex, which they enhance with sex toys.

Even though couples are not able to actually touch each other, technology is incredibly useful in maintaining a sense of togetherness. Many sex toy companies have developed a range of toys for long-distance couples, enabling them to connect interactively to their lover’s device.

In our increasingly interconnected world, it is fair to say, that navigating LDRs can be complex. The success of these relationships hinges on many factors, including the quality of communication, the level of commitment, attachment styles, trust, and the coping strategies adopted by those involved.

Meanwhile, despite occasional challenges and setbacks, Otis and Maeve seem to be handling their long-distance relationship quite well.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What is ‘veto power’ in non-monogamous relationships

— And why is it so problematic?

Having the power to ‘veto’ your partner’s other partners can have some seriously messy outcomes.

By Gigi Engle

If you opened up your relationship, would you want the ability to tell your partner’s other partners to piss off if you weren’t down with them? Intrigued? Let’s talk about “veto power.”

Veto power within consensually non-monogamous relationships is a hotly debated topic. People within the CNM community have very strong feelings about it. But, what does it mean to have veto power? “In CNM relationships, ‘veto’ indicates an agreement between primary partners in which they can say no to new or other partners,” says Dr. Celina Criss, a certified sex coach specializing in gender, sexuality, and relationship diversity.

Yes, you read that correctly. It’s the ability to tell your partner that they essentially have to break up with their other partner(s) if you don’t like them or the relationship. If that sounds problematic, that’s because it often is.

Whether you love it or hate it, the concept of veto power is one worth exploring and unpacking. As with all things dating-related, it’s complicated and in need of nuanced conversations.

If you’re active in the online dating realm, you’ve probably been hearing more about CNM — aka ethical non-monogamy or ENM — lately. The term “ethical non-monogamy” has seen a 213 percent spike in searches in the last year alone.

Here is everything you should know about veto power within CNM dynamics.

What is ‘veto power’ in the CNM world?

Veto power is essentially the ability to tell your partner’s other partner(s) to take a hike, if you decide the relationship isn’t working for you anymore. It grants partners the ability to determine who their partner can and cannot have relationships with. It exists within hierarchical CNM dynamics, wherein there are two (or more) primary partners and all other partners are considered ‘secondary.’

Joli Hamilton, a qualitative researcher and relationship coach specializing in non-monogamy, tells us veto power is an explicit or implicit agreement that one partner within a primary relationship can require a change to the structure, intensity, or existence of their partner’s other relationships. This can be true of new partners and existing partners. “Sometimes veto power is explicitly granted as a way to reinforce the idea that an existing couple will remain the priority over any new relationships that may come into existence,” she explains.

Veto power is essentially the ability to tell your partner’s other partner(s) to take a hike, if you decide the relationship isn’t working for you anymore. In order to use veto power in an ethical way (though some would argue it is never ethical), the agreement must be explicit. All partners within the relationship need to understand that the veto power is in place, how it functions for the primary partners, and consent to honoring it. As you may have guessed, this can get quite complicated.

Why would a couple choose to have ‘veto power’ within their relationship structure?

There are a lot of reasons why a couple might choose to enact veto power. Hamilton says that it’s often used as a tool to help couples feel safer when they’re first opening up. Basically, it makes you feel like no matter who else you or your partner might date, you’ll always be the “chosen one.”

“Lots of people want veto power when they are transitioning from a monogamous paradigm to a more expansive relationship structure, in part because they can’t imagine a world where they wouldn’t have a say over what their partner does with their emotions or body,” she explains. This need to be held above all others is born out of ‘compulsory monogamy,’ the socially constructed notion that being monogamous and prioritizing one partner is the “correct” way of existing within a relationship.

And yes, this has problematic implications when you’re practicing CNM because it tries to hold a different way of relating to the monogamous standard. Hamilton says she’s seen plenty of couples use veto power as a means to retain a sense of control, with decidedly mixed results.

The positives of ‘veto power’

Criss tells us that there can be upsides in using veto power within CNM dynamics. If your relationship is consensually hierarchical, the veto can act as a safeguard for the primary partnership. Depending on the outlined agreement between partners, “this objection can be at the beginning of an additional relationship or later, if that relationship has become problematic,” she says. “One way to think of it is as a safe word for CNM: it indicates there is a problem or concern that needs to be addressed.”

When used in this way, the veto acts as less of a tool of control and more as a way to explore issues that come up with primary partners and their other partners. “It can be quite useful,” Criss adds.

Again, for this dynamic to work – the veto, and what it means within your dynamic, needs to be clearly outlined and agreed to by all parties involved in the relationship. When a person within the primary partnership takes on a secondary or tertiary partner, that partner needs to be fully aware of the existing veto power and consent to it. Otherwise, we’re just getting plain old unethical.

Hierarchical polyamorous and open structures are a highly contentious subject within the CNM community – with some people strongly endorsing hierarchy and others believing it is entirely unethical. Those who oppose it point to “monogamy culture,” wherein the idea of the “primary partnership” is of utmost importance – which goes against the very nature of CNM. There isn’t a total consensus.

The drawbacks of ‘veto power’

Veto power offers primary partners a sense of control within relationships, but Moushumi Ghose, a licensed sex therapist, says that the “control” is usually a band-aid for larger issues. Often, the veto is used as a way to avoid dealing with the myriad uncomfortable feelings that come with opening up a relationship. “Veto power is extremely problematic because it creates a power imbalance, essentially. The biggest threat is that one person can close an open relationship simply because of uncomfortable feelings,” she says. It tries to remove the need to face and work through difficult emotions and dynamics that inevitably come up when you’re involved with multiple partners. This doesn’t solve anything, and instead can build resentment.

Veto power can also be problematic when it is used as a means to control your partner’s behavior. Criss tells us that “using a veto to non-consensually control or threaten your partner is not OK, in fact it runs counter to the general idea of CNM.” CNM specifically emphasizes consent and individual autonomy so, when veto power is used as a way to infringe upon a partner’s autonomy, that’s when it becomes an issue.

“Veto power is extremely problematic because it creates a power imbalance.” Hamilton agrees, telling us that veto power can lead to hypervigilance within a relationship, often resulting in monitoring your partner’s behavior such as checking their phones or social media and trying to control who they are with and when. “All of these can increase the amount of jealousy we feel, and none of those behaviors lead to more trust in your partner,” she says. “Instead it keeps you locked in a cycle of watchful waiting for your partner to screw up or overstep your comfort.”

What’s more, even if both primary partners agree that veto power is on the table, it often neglects to consider the feelings, wishes, and boundaries of the (very real) human people who aren’t in the primary partnership. “Veto power removes consent, especially when you consider that in CNM there are multiple people involved,” Ghose says. This can turn into a very messy situation, very quickly.

What to do if your partner asks for ‘veto-power’

Navigating these conversations requires empathy and nuance. “If your partner wants a veto and you’re not into it, this is an opportunity to get curious and investigate,” Criss says.

She suggests exploring the following questions: Why are they asking for this? Are you in alignment with your relationship goals, your CNM dynamic, and how you are feeling about each other?

Hamilton tells us that the need for veto can begin to dissipate once you learn to deal with difficult emotions in a healthy way. “Learn to regulate your nervous system and practice holding your body’s sensations and emotions during times of stress,” she says. This can look like adopting grounding and breathing techniques.

You may want to trade in veto power for authentic ways your partner can make you feel secure – and visa versa. “Have conversations about what security looks like and sounds like for you. Ask for those things to be prioritized,” Hamilton says. “Don’t make your partner guess – actually tell them what it looks and sounds like for you to receive their loving attention. Help them co-create a sense of security with you.”

Sometimes these conversations can be scary or confronting. If you find this is the case, you can always employ the help of a qualified, CNM-friendly sex therapist or coach to help you.

Whatever your journey is, we salute you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Does It Mean To Be Nonbinary?

— Being nonbinary means not identifying solely (or at all) with being male or female

For a long time, Western society thought of sex and gender as a binary: male/female, girl/boy, man/woman. Though plenty of people throughout history have likely identified otherwise, we haven’t had the language to talk about or understand what that means.

Fortunately, we’ve come a long way. In 2021, a study by the Trevor Project found that more than a quarter (26%) of LGBTQIA+ youth now identify as nonbinary, with an additional 20% saying they’re still questioning whether they’re nonbinary. And that data doesn’t even begin to cover nonbinary/questioning adults.

But what exactly does it mean to be nonbinary? Child and adolescent psychiatrist Jason Lambrese, MD, helps define this term so that you can better understand this gender identity.

What is nonbinary?

In simple terms, being nonbinary means that you do not identify (solely or at all) with the idea of being a man or a woman.

“We used to think that people were either male or female, and that was it — that there were two endpoints, and everyone had to be at one of them,” Dr. Lambrese says. “But it became clear that that didn’t fit everybody’s experience.”

Now, health professionals recognize that gender identity is much more expansive and multifaceted. Sometimes, it’s explained as a spectrum — a sliding scale of sorts, with “male” and “female” as endpoints.

For some people, being nonbinary means feeling that you’re somewhere else along that line — in between male and female, or a combination of some aspects of both. But other nonbinary people feel that their gender identity exists outside the male/female spectrum — not on the line but somewhere else altogether.

“There are a lot of cultures where it’s very common to identify as male, female or a third gender,” Dr. Lambrese notes. “We might put it somewhere in the middle of the spectrum, or it can be thought about completely outside of that construct.”

Nonbinary gender identities

If you’re trying to get a handle on what it means to be nonbinary, you’re going to have to get comfortable in gray space: There are no specific, hard-and-fast rules about nonbinary identities or “what it means” to be nonbinary.

“What it means for one person could be different than what it means for somebody else,” Dr. Lambrese states.

A nonbinary person could just identify with the term “nonbinary,” or they may use other terms to describe themselves and their relationship (or lack thereof) with gender:

  • Agender,genderless, or gender-free are terms for people who don’t identify with any gender at all.
  • Androgynousmeans having gender expression characteristics that are typically associated with both male and female.
  • Bigenderis when someone identifies with two genders, whether they experience those genders at the same time or alternately.
  • Demigirl and demiboyare terms for people who partially identify with one gender or the other, but not fully.
  • Genderfluid and genderflux refer to the feeling that your gender is flexible. It may change from day to day or over time.
  • Gender non-conforming usually means that a person doesn’t conform to societal gender norms, whether in terms of gender identity, gender expression or both.
  • Genderqueer is typically used as an umbrella term, sort of like nonbinary, for anyone who feels they don’t fit into standard gender labels.

Because gender can be such a personal experience, these terms can mean different things to different people. And some people might identify with multiple terms or with others not listed here.

If these terms are new to you, you might feel confused about some of the nuances and differences between them. That’s OK. The most important thing is to remain open-minded to learning what they mean to individual people and their gender identity — so that you can be as supportive as possible.

Is nonbinary the same as transgender?

Sometimes, and sometimes not. The answer to this question comes down to each individual person and what identity feels right to them.

For the most part, you can think of being transgender as an overarching concept that encompasses multiple types of identities. “You could say that being trans is the most overarching of all of the umbrella terms, and under that are smaller umbrellas, like being nonbinary,” Dr. Lambrese clarifies.

But not everyone who identifies as nonbinary will identify with being trans. Some nonbinary people, for example, may feel more comfortable with explanations like “not cisgender.”(Cisgender meaning people whose gender identity corresponds with what they were assigned at birth.)

“For some people, even the term ‘transgender’ can feel like a binary,” Dr. Lambrese says, “so being nonbinary may feel separate from the identity of transgender. It’s all very individualized.”

It’s always best not to make assumptions about anyone’s identity — which is, by the way, a good rule of thumb for all for life!

What pronouns do nonbinary people use?

This answer differs for every person, but “they/them” is common. The Trevor Project found that more than one-third of nonbinary youth exclusively (only) use the pronouns “they/them.”

For some people, using they/them to refer to a singular person feels weird and uncomfortable — that squiggly feeling you get when you use improper grammar. If this is you, try to remember: Language is constantly evolving, and it’s OK for words’ meanings to change. Plus, you’re probably already more used to using they/them singular pronouns than you might think (for example, “Someone left their umbrella behind! I sure hope they come back for it.”).

“It’s important that we validate and normalize ’they/them’ as pronouns that can be used singularly,” Dr. Lambrese states.

The study also found that an additional 21% of respondents use a combination of gender pronouns that include but aren’t limited to they/them. This could mean, for example, that someone uses them/them pronouns and she/her pronouns. They may prefer that you mix them up at random (“I’m getting lunch with her tomorrow because they weren’t available today.”) or ask that you use certain pronouns at certain times.

What about neopronouns?

Less common but still important are neopronouns, which are words that have been created to take the place of traditional pronouns. Some examples include:

  • Xe/xem/xir.
  • Ze/zir/zem.
  • Ee/em/eir.

If you’re not sure exactly how to use neopronouns, here’s an example: “Xe is so friendly and funny. When I first met xem last week, I immediately asked for xir number so we could hang out.”

It can take some work to incorporate this type of evolving language into your lexicon, but doing so shows respect and support for others. Like anything new, it will start to come naturally to you over time.

“If you mess up, that’s OK,” Dr. Lambrese reassures. “Just apologize and use the correct one going forward. People can usually appreciate that. It’s when you’re not trying that can be very hurtful.”

Nonbinary people and mental health

The English language now offers more terminology than ever for people to express their gender identity, which represents society’s evolving understanding of gender. But that doesn’t always mean that individual people have become more understanding or accepting.

The Trevor Project found that 42% of LGBTQ youth seriously considered attempting suicide in the year before the study. That included more than half of transgender and nonbinary youth — largely owing to a lack of support and respect from family, friends and society at large.

“When nonbinary teens live in an environment where they’re not feeling accepted or validated, they can experience negative mental health outcomes like depression, anxiety and even suicidal ideation,” Dr. Lambrese says.

The Trevor Project found that nonbinary youth whose family members respected their pronouns were far less likely to attempt suicide than their peers without family support.

“These numbers are supported by studies that have looked at sexual and gender minorities over time,” Dr. Lambrese says. “Data shows that the more support children and teens have, the better their mental health outcomes are.”

How to support nonbinary people

“Being affirming of somebody’s experience doesn’t have to mean that you fully understand all of the intricacies of their identity,” Dr. Lambrese says. “It doesn’t even have to mean that you agree with all of their goals for themselves. But you can still be affirming and supportive.”

Two of the simplest and more powerful ways to show your respect and support are to use people’s preferred names and proper pronouns.

“At the very least, this allows people to feel heard,” he says. “The data shows that sometimes, those simplest things lead nonbinary people to say, ‘When my pronouns are used correctly, I feel so much better.’ It’s such a simple, easy thing that we can all do.”

Dr. Lambrese shares some tips:

  • Ask for their pronouns (and share yours): Meeting someone new? “Don’t make assumptions about people’s gender identity or their pronouns,” Dr. Lambrese advises. “You can ask people, or you can introduce yourself with your own pronouns and ask for theirs. I might say, for example, ‘Hi, I’m Jason, and my pronouns are he/him. What name and pronouns do you use?’”
  • Seek out examples: If someone shares their pronouns with you and you’re not entirely sure how to use them, politely ask if they feel comfortable sharing some examples so that you can get it right. Google is your friend here, too.
  • When you mess up, apologize … and move on: If you accidentally misgender someone, acknowledge it (“Oh, I’m sorry! I meant ‘they.’”) and then keep the conversation flowing. Over-apologizing is awkward for everyone, and it centers your own feelings over theirs.
  • Normalize pronouns: Putting your own pronouns in your email signature or on your nametag at events allow people others to feel more comfortable sharing their pronouns with you.
  • Adapt your other language, too:Gendered terms like “Hey, ladies,” and “You guys,” can feel exclusionary to nonbinary people. Instead, practice using inclusive, gender-neutral terms like “y’all” and “folks.”
  • Gently correct others: If you overhear someone else talking about another person with the wrong pronouns, offer a polite but firm correction: “Jamie actually uses they/them pronouns, not he/him.” Helping others get it right behind the scenes may lessen the chances that they misgender someone face to face.

At the end of the day, supporting nonbinary people is, in so many ways, similar to supporting any other community of people: “Operate in good faith, demonstrate respect and apologize when you fall short,” Dr. Lambrese encourages.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How Do ‘Throuples’ Make It Work?

How do you overcome the emotional and practical hurdles that can complicate a three-person romantic relationship

By Mark Travers

Falling in love with two people at once is a genuine and profound experience for many. It’s not merely about divided affection; it’s about an expansive capability to care, connect and commit to more than one person. The decision to form a throuple can arise from various motivations, ranging from a shared bond or common goals to mutual attraction or simply the evolution of a friendship into something more.

Despite society becoming increasingly open-minded, non-traditional relationships like throuples (romantic relationships between three people) still face a set of unique challenges. It’s crucial to recognize that these relationships demand just as much dedication and work, if not more. Setting ground rules becomes paramount. Without clear guidelines and continuous dialogue, misunderstandings can spiral into larger conflicts.

Here are two conversations that can help throuples smooth out the kinks in what can be a potentially unstable dynamic.

1. The “Are We Ready To Do This” Conversation

When considering a throuple relationship, it’s essential to discuss and understand each partner’s background, experiences and motivations. Recognizing and embracing diversity early on can set the stage for open communication and mutual respect.

A 2019 study published in The Journal of Sex Research contrasted polyamorous relationships with monogamous ones in terms of demographics and life choices. It found that polyamorous individuals, including those who favor being in a throuple, often identified with minority sexual orientations. Moreover, they demonstrated tendencies towards civil unions and had experienced higher rates of divorce. Additionally, their annual incomes often fell below $40,000 compared to those in monogamous relationships.

These findings are more than just numbers—they hint at experiences, challenges and perspectives that individuals in throuples might bring into the relationship. While the age range was similar between both groups, life experiences and choices diverged significantly. Such insights can serve as valuable talking points for potential throuples. By acknowledging and discussing these differences from the outset, throuples can lay a solid foundation for their relationship, tolerant of diversity and emotional and experiential complexity.

Here are some ideas to ponder before considering taking the three-person relationship plunge:

  • Self-awareness. How well do you know your own boundaries, needs and triggers? Are you open to understanding and adapting to the needs and boundaries of two other individuals?
  • Past relationship dynamics. Given the higher rates of divorce and civil unions among polyamorous individuals, it’s worth discussing past relationships. What did you learn from them, and how can those lessons inform the dynamics of the throuple?
  • Financial compatibility. How do you envision sharing financial responsibilities? Will the financial contribution be even, or based on individual contribution?
  • Cultural and societal concerns. Given the non-traditional nature of throuples, are you prepared to face potential societal biases or prejudices? How will you handle questions or critiques from family, friends and strangers?
  • Having these conversations up front can provide clarity and help in setting the relationship on a firm foundation. Each question is designed to unravel complexities, address potential challenges and ensure that every individual in the throuple feels seen, heard and valued.

    2. The Regular “Check-In”

    Given that there are three individuals involved, each with their unique emotions, needs and expectations, ensuring a balance where everyone feels valued can be a delicate act. All three individuals will evolve as the relationship progresses, and their needs might shift. Regular check-ins provide a platform to address feelings or concerns that might arise, ensuring they don’t fester or escalate into bigger issues. Topics for regular check-ins might include:

    • Emotional well-being. Are the emotional needs or concerns of each partner addressed?
    • Time management. How are all three partners ensuring that they get quality time both individually and collectively? Are any adjustments needed?
    • Boundaries. Are the established boundaries still working? Do they need revisiting or adjusting based on the relationship’s progression?
    • Future planning. Throuples need to consider their future—living arrangements, financial plans or even family planning if that’s on the table.

    These conversations can help throuples identify issues that may not be obvious in everyday life. For instance, a 2021 study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that 21% to 33% of individuals who had previously engaged in polyamory grappled with personal possessiveness and challenges in managing the associated emotions.

    While prior research suggests that jealousy is a more common problem in monogamous relationships, not polyamorous ones, the unique structure of a throuple might naturally present more varied situations that can trigger jealousy compared to a monogamous relationship. However, it’s essential to understand that jealousy isn’t exclusive to one type of relationship. The key, for such relationships, lies in recognizing potential jealousy triggers, maintaining open communication and setting clear boundaries, which can be made possible by frequent check-ins.

    Conclusion

    When it comes to making a throuple work, the foundation lies in trust, understanding and respect. While open conversations about your expectations and goals are important in any relationship, conversations about the whats, whys and hows become especially important in non-traditional arrangements. Although every throuple is unique, each will evolve over time. Recognizing that change is constant and being willing to navigate it together is crucial.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Extreme Eye Contact and Other Ways of Dating

— Forget dinner and a movie: Let’s see if we can gaze into each other’s eyes for three minutes instead.

By merging the techniques of somatic therapy with the structure of a singles event, the Feels is able to fast-track physical intimacy, creating an environment in which someone may end up feeling a potential partner’s heartbeat within minutes of meeting.

By Gina Cherelus

What happens when you skip the small talk during a date and go straight to hand-holding?

For roughly 50 people meeting for the first time inside a candlelit loft in Brooklyn on Wednesday, the gathering was a chance to explore attraction and desire not only with someone new, but also within themselves. Their goal: to achieve a deep, romantic connection by jumping directly to the physical.

The event, known as the Feels, fast-tracks intimacy by fusing mindfulness practices like meditation, unnaturally long eye contact and even feeling each other’s heartbeats within an environment meant for potential romantic partners.

“It’s designed to get past that first layer of ‘What do you do? Where do you live? What do you like to do for fun?’ and into ‘Where are you at this moment in this wild human ride that is your life?’” Allie Hoffman, the host and founder, said before the event.

The night was tailored specifically for the so-called ethically nonmonogamous, or ENM — people who practice alternative relationship structures involving multiple partners, like polyamory.

“I’ve never been in a poly relationship, I’m exploring the dynamics,” said Eric Cave, who described himself as “poly-curious” and came from New Jersey for the event. “So in getting to know what I would be interested in, I would definitely want to have that strong emotional connection — nothing casual.”

Shortly after 7 p.m., the crowd — a mix of people of different races and ages — were given ground rules for the night and promptly started nestling on their backs over an assortment of patterned rugs inside an East Williamsburg event space called the Knife Factory. A few minutes into the process, they were called on to reach out for one another’s hands — the “first initiation of touch.” They were then grouped into pairs and told to ask each other personal questions, like “What are you ready to own about yourself?” or “What’s something that you’ve learned about your sexuality in the last six months?”

A close-up of someone leaning with his back against some leaning forward on the floor. His eyes are closed.
At one point in the evening, participants settled into positions seated back to back. As one leaned as far back as possible, the other hunched forward, forming a supportive base.

“Tonight the touch points are going to include your hand holding another hand, your back against somebody’s back, your hand on someone’s heart space and their hands on your heart space,” she said, “and you’re going to take turns leaning in and out of two long-held hugs.”

The sessions are sensual, but not erotic or sexual, according to Ms. Hoffman, who likes to instead describe it as “a love letter that will be between you and your body.” At first, the room was thick with nervous tension. Some people giggled when it was time to begin the extended eye-contact sessions (final count: 3 minutes 46 seconds), and one woman quickly took a sip of her wine before getting in position.

Another participant, who identified herself only as Jenny, said she was bracing for her “natural giggly mischievousness” to flare up the way it had in previous situations that were “very intentionally about creating a connection.” She was pleasantly surprised, however, “in that it does bring up some real, genuine-seeming feelings of connection.”

In the remaining three rounds, guests were asked to pair off with someone in the room they were interested in. Some chose the same person they had been matched with in the first round, while others gravitated quickly to participants who had clearly caught their eye. There were a couple of rejections and a few who settled for whoever was remaining.

“It got to that point where it was like musical chairs,” said Gabriel Rivera, 41, who was visiting from Los Angeles. “It wasn’t necessarily my first choice, but I did feel like I eased into it and the person made me feel comfortable.”

Ms. Hoffman said the idea for the event stemmed from two separate motivations: her desire, as a single, 39-year-old woman, to be around other single people, and her eagerness to put into action her studies at Columbia University, where she was then getting a master’s degree in spiritual psychology and learning about creating connections through physical communication, somatic awareness and mindfulness.

The first event took place last year and had about 20 attendees. Since then, she has held them twice a month and tailors each event to two different groups: ENM people and monogamous singles.

Two pairs of people sitting on the floor, staring at one another.
A session of sustained eye contact ran for a whopping 3 minutes 46 seconds.

Ms. Hoffman said the ENM events would be on hiatus until early 2024, explaining that while they began as a way for her to better understand her own feelings about nonmonogamy after a rocky relationship with a polyamorous man, she realized she was more interested in single-partner relationships.

As the night carried on, the degrees of physical separation in the room tightened. When guests were seated back to back, they leaned as far as their flexibility would allow while the other hunched forward as a supportive base. When it was time to touch each other’s “heart space,” some laid their hands directly on the left side of their partner’s chest while others made contact with just the tips of their fingers.

Somatic practices like meditation and eye gazing have long been incorporated in relationships. Many partners seek somatic couples therapy to heal issues and form deeper bonds and improve intimacy. The innovation here is attaching this mindfulness style to first-time romantic meet-ups. At first, it can be hard to imagine people who don’t know one another reaching that level of closeness, but as the night went on, guests were easing more into the practice and their partners.

“It felt like someone touched my soul,” one Brooklyn man, who declined to share his name for privacy reasons, said at the end of the night.

For the final somatic prompt, guests were asked to hug their partners and think about how they wanted to make their approach. One woman asked the man she was paired with if she could hug him from the back. Some hugs were tighter than others, some people rocked side to side, some people caressed their partners heads or dug their face in their hair.

When it was time to stop hugging, there were a couple of people who remained touching.

More people sitting on the floor, their eyes closed and their legs outstretched.
According to its founder, the event is intended to help participants bypass small talk and get straight to the loftier stuff: “Where are you at this moment in this wild human ride that is your life?”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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3 Things to Do If You Feel Super Awkward Talking About Sex With Your Partner

— The conversation doesn’t have to be a super serious sit-down chat.

By Jenna Ryu

For some of us, conversations about sex—what we liked, what we didn’t, what turns us on, what absolutely doesn’t—come naturally. But maybe physical intimacy is a taboo topic in your family or culture. Or perhaps you’re totally comfortable with dirty talk when the clothes come off, but the idea of discussing toys or butt stuff with your new partner at the dinner table while fully dressed terrifies you.

“It’s no wonder we’re so uncomfortable talking about sex as a culture. I mean, if you think about most love scenes in movies, the characters never discuss it,” Vanessa Marin, MFT, licensed psychotherapist and author of Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life, tells SELF. “They’re just able to have this magical, effortless, incredible sex.”

But don’t let those perfect camera angles fool you: Most healthy relationships require open and honest communication to thrive—in and out of the bedroom—Marin says. And if you struggle in the carnal conversation department, it’s a skill worth honing, “or else you run the risk of waiting until things are really bad to talk about sex, and it just reinforces this whole misconception that it has to be an uncomfortable topic,” she adds.

So how exactly can you bring up your sexual fantasies without awkwardly hiding under the covers? Here’s Marin’s best advice:

Acknowledge your anxiety.

For many people, sex is an important part of a satisfying relationship, so discussing it with your partner should ideally be no different than talking about stuff like your feelings, life plans, and dealbreakers.

In practice, however, sharing that you’re craving some role-play or a bit of strap-on fun may feel very different from requesting more date nights, Marin says. One way to, well, ease your uneasiness is to acknowledge the anxious elephant in the room (it’s you). Calling this out from the start can help both you and your partner relax, creating an environment that encourages vulnerability.

For instance, you might begin the conversation with something like, “I know we don’t really do this, and it’s kind of awkward, but I really hope both of us can feel safe talking openly about our sex life.” That way, “you can start to get comfortable with the idea that sex is natural and not this hush-hush subject,” Marin says.

Don’t feel like you need to have a capital-S sex talk.

Okay, you’ve finally worked up the courage to chat candidly about your desires. Now what?

You may have a bunch of hot ideas you’re itching to share with your lover, like exploring anal play or experimenting with phone sex. But rather than dumping every dirty thought into one intense and formal sit-down, Marin says it’s best to start small.

For example, you could try reminiscing about one of your favorite not-so-family-friendly memories together (“Remember when we took our time while going down on each other on Valentine’s Day? I’d love to do that again.”) or even just make a quick comment during pillow talk (“That was amazing. Maybe next time we can try some new positions?”) Marin says that asking for what you want more casually—rather than making it this super serious “we need to talk” moment—may help you both recognize that keeping the lines of sexual communication open can be easy and fun.

Use positive language to create a supportive vibe.

Let’s say the sex was really bad. Or you wish you had orgasmed. It can feel really difficult—mean, even—to offer constructive criticism about your partner’s performance. But that doesn’t mean you should bottle it up. “We have to be sensitive with sex because most of us would like to think we’re good in bed, and it’s natural to feel super vulnerable about the ways we might not be getting it right,” Marin says.

Instead of going straight into problem-solving mode and pointing out what they need to “fix,” a kinder and more effective approach is to focus on what is working for you. So if your partner doesn’t really engage in foreplay and you’d really appreciate it if they would take their time, you might tell them something along the lines of, “It turns me on so much when you go slow and kiss me everywhere,” Marin suggests.

Not only is that framing less likely to bruise their ego and put them on the defensive than asking them to “seriously, stop rushing,” she says, but communicating what you want versus what you don’t also increases your chances of actually getting it—and getting off.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Casual Relationships Need Boundaries Too

By Lexi Inks

Since the dawn of time — or maybe the “Summer Nights” duet from Grease — situationships and flings have been a fun way to maintain no-strings connections. At one point or another you may have found yourself meeting a friend with benefits or in something situationship-adjacent, or you may have talked about it with a friend.

However laid-back or short-term they may be, noncommittal partnerships can teach you a lot about yourself and your dating life. The most important learnings should be about establishing boundaries in a casual relationship. The name might suggest otherwise but being in a situationship doesn’t negate the need for respect or common courtesy. Everyone deserves to be in a relationship where they feel cared for and considered, no matter how casual that relationship is.

Establishing boundaries and intentions in a situationship often involves having conversations that may be uncomfortable or difficult to facilitate. To this end, we’ve compiled expert tips and IRL experiences from women who have done just that…and lived through the initial embarrassment to tell the tale.

What boundaries should I set in a casual relationship?

Situationships continue to be a hot topic — the term has 5.9 billion views on TikTok alone — as does the era of the “chill girl.” Even if many of them want commitment or, dare I say, respect from their partner, women in heterosexual relationships especially are prone to relaxing their standards and expectations in order to appease men. That said, you don’t actually have to be super chill in a casual relationship. Asking for basic decency and consideration is perfectly valid in any interaction. This can look as simple as a mutual requirement for regular STI testing or as nuanced as agreeing to honesty if more serious feelings develop.

Creating these agreements should happen “early and often,” according to Damona Hoffman, a certified relationship coach and host of the Dates and Mates podcast. “I see so many singles who are afraid to voice their true intentions because of fear or rejection or scaring away someone great,” she shares. “The negative outcome there is that you have a different expectation of where the relationship is headed and by delaying the conversation, you’re simply deferring disappointment.” The first step is making sure each party’s intentions are clear and aligned.

In terms of specific boundaries, you and your S.O. can (and should) match up on behaviours that meet your respective comfort levels and keep you both safe. Elizabeth, 28, began a fling earlier this year. She and her situationship partner established a critical safety boundary right away. Once they had shared their recent STI status, they gained a sense of trust and decided to engage in unprotected sex. While they also agreed on the freedom to sleep with other people, they chose to start using protection once the other person shared that they’d had sex with someone else.

Sarah, 31, found herself in an FWB situation with a friend. They shared a social circle so one of their agreements was that they wouldn’t spill anything about their trysts to their mutual friends. Another was that once either of them met someone they wanted to pursue intentionally, they would end their physical connection. This worked out well when each of them met their now spouse within a month of the other. Because of their discretion, there was no resulting drama or conflict within the friend group.

Whether it’s sexual exclusivity, no PDA or omitting details about other dates or hookups, Hoffman recommends that you “pay attention to boundary-crossing early on. It could be as simple as being chronically late or something as complex as making you physically uncomfortable, embarrassing you publicly or disregarding your feelings, but it all begins with setting a baseline for what you want out of the relationship and how you would like to be treated.” If you notice that your casual S.O. isn’t living up to your shared expectations, it may be time to reevaluate and communicate.

How do I set boundaries in a casual relationship?

Before you and your low-key lover set anything in stone, it’s important to understand how to establish boundaries. Although social media might have you believe that boundaries are synonymous with rules you enforce with a partner, they actually have a lot more to do with your choices.&

“Oftentimes, boundaries are introduced as a response to a situation, offense or repetitive occurrence. However, this places boundaries in the bucket of ‘coping mechanisms’ versus their proper placement within the bucket of ‘protective mechanisms,’” says Dr. LaNail R. Plummer, a licensed professional counsellor and CEO of Onyx Therapy Group. “The difference between coping and protective mechanisms is that coping mechanisms are used after something has occurred and protective mechanisms are used before something occurs.”

Rather than confront your significant other once they do something that breaks your agreements or breaches your trust, it’s important to set expectations before that can ever happen. Plummer likens this to a car alarm: When you lock your car, you protect yourself and your belongings before harm can get to them. When you forget to lock the car, the alarm that goes off is more of an aftereffect. This might translate into you cutting off the relationship if your partner lies to you about sleeping with someone else, or starts seeing someone monogamously and keeps you in the dark.

Voicing what you will do in response to boundary-crossing behaviours can prevent them from popping up in the future and make you and your casual counterpart feel more secure and safe in the process.

What should I do if a boundary is crossed?

Despite our best efforts, sometimes people screw up. In the case of casual relationships, the potential for grey areas and ambiguous expectations is high and could lead to unfavourable behaviours. While you don’t necessarily need to put up with them, Plummer notes that forgiving a crossed boundary or broken agreement shouldn’t always lead to guilt and shame.

“One should give themselves grace. While boundaries are standard and firm, we must recognise that sometimes we allow a boundary to be crossed and then become guilt-ridden and have negative self-talk,” she says. “Yes, sometimes you will forget to ‘lock your car door’ and when it happens, accept it and remember that boundary next time.” Unless the broken agreement is something that can truly harm you and your S.O., it’s valid to work through an honest mistake or slip-up if you feel like that’s the best decision. Just as the relationship is yours to facilitate, the choices you make within it don’t need to be justified to anyone outside of it.

Communication is mandatory for any healthy relationship, casual or committed, so have honest conversations about trust and any actions that might breach it. Although it’s perfectly reasonable to feel hurt if your partner breaks an agreement you had, approaching it with aggression or anger isn’t usually the best solution. “Enforcing boundaries is often easier than we make it,” Hoffman explains. “Simply name it and reframe it: Tell the person the action they took that crossed a boundary for you and instruct them how they can better show up for you in the future. It doesn’t need to be a shame fest, it doesn’t need to be a lecture, but you do need to voice how you feel and give your partner some guidance on how to honour your boundary in the future.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Sexiest Part of an Open Relationship?

— The Rules

By Tom Rasmussen

Whether open or monogamous, all relationships are defined by rules. Rules, promises, vows even. Now in a monogamous setup there’s usually only one rule: Don’t fuck or fall in love with or flirt or fool around with anyone who isn’t me. It’s an easy rule to follow. And it’s an easy rule to break.

In an open relationship, rules are a little different. Their contents, and your relationship to them as a couple, is open season. Now I’ve slept with people who are deeply strict about their rules; I’ve heard of people sharing Excel spreadsheets with new prospective partners detailing each and every rule they abide by; and I’ve heard of people with no rules whatsoever.

I fall in between: The rules of my relationship are evolving, the central ones being “try to welcome change” and “be generous.” It sounds really vague, but when applied to the other rules, it means we can have generous conversations about the unruliness of human emotions.

When my husband and I first went open, he and I had a “you can’t sleep with someone more than three times” rule. And it worked, for a while. But eventually I met someone who asked me on a fourth date. A fourth date on which I wanted to go. The sex was good, my emotions were in check, and he was fit. Of course, the fear of me leaving my partner after three dates—which is why we made the rule in the first place—now seemed completely absurd. Three dates versus nine years. And so when we talked about this fourth date, it seemed like a no-brainer. In fact it allowed us to be both realistic about what it was we’d built together, and the very real fear of one of us leaving the other.

A fourth date with Hot Guy turned into a whole summer, and while there was never any danger of my leaving my primary partner, the situation neared the edges of our next rule: “Don’t fall in love with anyone else.” And so, after many measured discussions (and some not so), I ended the relationship with Really Hot Summer Guy.

It was in this process of exploring, of stretching and bending the rules, that we formulated new rules in our relationship. We met each different feeling and emotion with our two central rules in mind: “be generous” and “try to welcome change.” Change takes time, and generosity takes understanding. And so we talked, we questioned, we fought a little, and we even went to bed angry.

We learned—we’re learning—that rules are context specific, and that we don’t have to have the same emotional response to everything: He might be calm about something I might be jealous of, and vice versa. But with each different scenario came opportunity for deeper understanding about our fears, our desires, and areas of our relationship that maybe need more care. It’s always, as it should be, a work in progress.

When I first started down the route of open relationships, it all seemed so odd. So many rules, both boring and fussy. Seems like a rather unromantic paradox to me. And yet I’ve found the formulation, and continued evolution, of the rules in my relationship to be one of the most healthy and invigorating things about it. Now we are required to discuss the terms of our relationship with each other; now we must speak on our real desires because the stakes are higher if we don’t. Now we talk about dating others, the sex we’ve had, the sex we want to have with each other as a result of the sex we’ve had, as well as talking about how bad the Wi-Fi connection is in our bedroom and why the fridge keeps freezing everything.

In previously monogamous relationships, I often found that bringing up the rules of our entanglement could incite a complicated conversation that felt more like I was questioning both the relationship and monogamy itself. I probably was, and I perhaps think that my monogamous relationships could have benefited from questioning too: to ensure it was really right for us both, to ensure its maintenance. It ended because we both cheated. Although that cheating was symptomatic of incompatible desire and incompatible experiences of jealousy. And really it was in an inability to, or an avoidance of, talking about the structures of our relationship that it became brittle. If we can’t ask questions of something, is it structurally sound at all?

An open relationship isn’t for everyone. At times the rules are fun, at times they are laborious. At times you wish you hadn’t set a rule, and at times there is hurt when one person read the letter of the rule and another lived the spirit. But we must continue to grow toward each other in all of our various relationships: to understand that words and rules and definitions can only ever do half the work in describing feelings, desires, entanglements.

Now one of my favorite conversations to have on dates is about their rules, my rules, how we all came up with them, how we manage them. It’s sort of like gossip, but about your own sex life. Trust is a nebulous thing, and something very easy to lose but very hard to regain. It takes a lot of work, a lot of thought, respect, and care to nourish something that is at once so fragile and capable of bearing the weight of complicated emotions.

Rules and promises help us to maintain and further this trust. Yes, I might be sleeping with someone else, but if this sex is happening inside a set of rules created with my partner, then the sex with another person in fact becomes irrelevant. The trust lies in the rules. Some people’s rules are to break every rule. And still, the same ends—trust—are achieved.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Deconstructing Stonewalling

— This toxic approach to conflict is unintentional or intentional and verbal or nonverbal

Shutting down. Clamming up. Walking out. Giving up.

We all hope that we’ll rise to the occasion and communicate clearly in tough situations — that we’ll stand up for ourselves while being respectful of the needs and feelings of the people we care about.

But sometimes, when the going gets tough, our emotional walls get higher. And with every delay, distraction and deflection — every slammed door, dismissive comment and dodged conversation — those walls become harder to scale.

Psychologist Susan Albers, PsyD, breaks down the concept of stonewalling — what it is, why it happens, and what to do if the behavior is threatening your relationships.

What is stonewalling?

Stonewalling is way of intentionally or unintentionally, verbally or nonverbally withdrawing from a conflict. While some people stonewall on purpose to assert control or do harm, the behavior is often inadvertent. Dr. Albers likens it to turning off the light switch. “You’re having a conversation and all of a sudden, the other person shuts off. Not just verbally or physically — they emotionally disengage.”

She explains that the way we talk about stonewalling in relationships is largely the result of psychologist John Gottman’s writing on the topic. His Cascade Model of Relationship Dissolution uses the imagery of “the four horsemen of the apocalypse” to describe the four ineffective communication styles that he believes can predict divorce. The four styles are:

  1. Criticism.
  2. Defensiveness.
  3. Contempt.
  4. Stonewalling.

His work is influential enough that it’s probably one of the first sources that pops up when you research “stonewalling” online. But even though the most popular writing on the topic focuses on romantic relationships, Dr. Albers says any relationship can encounter stonewalling. Best friends, coworkers, family members … you name it. Politicians stonewall all the time, as do lawyers. Heck, we all do it sometimes!

Stonewalling is a common tactic because (at least in the short term) it works. It’s a defense mechanism that stops the immediate conflict from progressing any further. And it gives the person doing the stonewalling a sense of safety and control over the situation.

But in the long term, Dr. Albers cautions that disengaging from conflict — consciously or unconsciously — can damage or even destroy a relationship.

Unintentional and intentional stonewalling

Building a wall isn’t something you do by accident, but stonewalling might be.

“Unintentional stonewalling is often a sign that someone is having difficulty coping with the conversation,” Dr. Albers explains. “They may be conflict avoidant. It might even be a fight-or-flight response: They need to escape.”

And it’s often the case that people simply don’t have the skills or capacity they need to have the conversation in that moment. “It doesn’t come from a place of wanting to disconnect or distance,” she says. “It’s just not knowing how to have that conversation in a healthy and productive way.”

She adds that stonewalling is a common tactic for people with depression or who have an anxious attachment style. Disengagement can also be a protective measure for a person who struggles with a high level of anxiety or has endured significant trauma. In that case, stonewalling may be a way to calm down and feel safe again. For people who grew up in dysfunctional households, it may be a learned behavior.

In still other cases, stonewalling is a deliberate and emotionally abusive act. A person who stonewalls on purpose is exerting control over (and often demeaning) another person by acting as if their attention and interest are a reward to be “earned.” People with narcissistic personality disorder may be especially inclined toward this behavior.

Verbal and nonverbal stonewalling

Shutting down communication will look different from person to person and situation to situation. According to Dr. Albers, stonewalling can be verbal or nonverbal.

Verbal stonewalling can take the form of “the silent treatment,” but it can be subtler than that, too. Changing the topic, only offering clipped, one- to two-word responses and refusing to answer questions can have the same effect. In some cases, there actually is a conversation happening, but one person is filibustering, or being dismissive, accusatory or aggressive in a way that’s designed to end the discussion.

Nonverbal stonewalling can be as straightforward as avoiding contact or getting up and walking away. Sometimes, it’s a question of body language — rolling one’s eyes, adopting a closed-off posture or refusing to make eye contact. Physical stonewalling can also involve shifting focus. “The biggest one I see is people taking out their phone,” Dr. Albers states. “That stops the conversation immediately.”

The best indicator that somebody’s stonewalling you is how it makes you feel. You may feel frustrated, helpless, confused, disrespected or angry.

How stonewalling can hurt a relationship

Truth be told, everybody stonewalls occasionally. We all experience moments when we just can’t, and that’s OK. It only becomes a problem for a relationship when it goes unaddressed. And if stonewalling becomes an engrained pattern — an established communication style between two people — it can be devastating.

“Stonewalling leaves conflict unresolved, and it can make the other person feel disrespected, or that their perspective isn’t important or valued.” Dr. Albers says. “Sometimes, people just give up, which creates an emotional distance that can be difficult to repair.”

How to stop stonewalling

The apocalypse metaphor Gottman uses to talk about stonewalling in relationships might make your situation feel hopeless. And sure, unlearning a behavior like stonewalling is difficult. But Dr. Albers encourages you to look on the bright side.

“The good news is stonewalling is a pattern that can be addressed,” she reassures. “Once you recognize that you’re doing it, it’s something that can be changed, and that change can do wonders for your relationship.”

So, how do you go about breaking down a wall?

Name the behavior and take a ‘time out’

Dr. Albers shares that the first thing you need to do to stop stonewalling is recognize the behavior in the moment. Particularly if you’re the one doing the stonewalling.

Labeling or naming a behavior can make a big difference because you’re offering the person you’re talking to insight into what’s happening in your head, and why.

“Tell the person you’re talking to that, ‘I’m shutting down right now.’” Dr. Albers advises. “Emphasize that what the person has to say is important, but that you need to calm down before re-engaging in the conversation.” Then, set up a time — minutes, hours or days later — to return to the discussion.

“Don’t just leave it hanging,” she urges.

Here are a few other tips for breaking through a wall — yours, or somebody else’s:

Empathize

If you’re the one doing the stonewalling, acknowledge that your need to step away from a conflict is likely impacting the other person’s feelings — that they may be frustrated, hurt or angry.

If you’re the one being stonewalled, tell the other person that you recognize how difficult it must be for them to have the conversation.

Be mindful of your body language

Are you sitting with your arms and legs crossed? Are you looking at the floor instead of the person you’re talking to? Are you clenching your jaw? Is your body rigid, your posture frozen? “Sometimes, we’re not aware that we’re giving signals that we don’t want to talk,” Dr. Albers points out.

Vocalize your needs

Change doesn’t happen overnight — especially when the thing you’re trying to change is a communication style. And conflict isn’t one-sided. That means there needs to be give and take on both sides.

At some time when you aren’t actively in conflict, have a conversation about what you each need to get through difficult conversations. If you struggle to articulate your thoughts and feelings when you’re upset, you might need time to write things out before having a tough conversation. Or maybe the other person isn’t at a place where they can maintain eye contact during a conflict, so they need to be allowed to demonstrate engagement in another way.

Accommodating each other’s needs — even in difficult moments — is a sign of respect and good faith.

Stay emotionally engaged

It’s happening. You’re shutting down, freezing up, disconnecting. You’re not able to have this conversation right now.

That’s OK. Talking isn’t everything.

“You can still engage with someone emotionally without having a conversation,” Dr. Albers offers. “Maybe you don’t leave the room. You sit next to them. You hold their hand. Even if you’re not going to be able to have that conversation, you can still be emotionally engaged.”

Respond calmly

It’s always important to be respectful in your conversations, but it’s extra important if you know that the person you’re trying to communicate with is conflict averse, anxious or has a history of trauma. Raising your voice, interrupting or adopting an aggressive posture will push a stonewaller away. Active listening skills can go a long way in a situation like this.

“Even if you don’t like what the other person is saying, respond calmly,” Dr. Albers stresses. “It’s more likely to encourage them to keep going versus shutting them down.”

See a therapist

If stonewalling has become your go-to technique for dealing with difficult situations, it could be a good idea to unpack the reasons why with a counselor. Not only can they help you sort through any underlying issues that are impacting your behavior, but they can also help you learn and practice healthier communication styles.

If there’s a specific relationship where the behavior needs to be addressed, couples, marriage or family counseling could be especially useful.

Tearing down walls and building bridges

When we stonewall, we’re emotionally disengaging from a conflict. Sometimes, we do it on purpose, and sometimes, we do it without realizing it. Stonewalling can take many forms. Sometimes it’s physical, like walking away or avoiding somebody. Sometimes, it’s giving somebody “the silent treatment.” And sometimes, we stonewall with words, by changing the subject or minimizing the situation.

Although some individuals stonewall on purpose to assert control or do harm, the behavior is often unintentional. That’s because it’s a natural response to a situation where an individual lacks the capacity to handle their feelings or communicate effectively. Stonewalling is a particularly common coping mechanism for people with anxiety, depression a history of trauma or a conflict-avoidant personality.

While it’s an understandable defense mechanism that we all employ from time to time, habitual stonewalling is toxic to relationships — be they romantic, familial, friendly or professional. It can be a tough habit to break, but it’s worth the effort. Once you recognize it’s happening — and learn to respond in a different way — your relationships with other people will be easier to navigate and (we couldn’t resist) a lot less rocky.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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5 Simple Ways to Keep Your Sex Life Sizzling

By Shauna Harris

We all have busy schedules, routines, children, families, pets, careers, appointments, friends—shall I go on? Our lives are jam-packed with this and that, and then some more. Who even has time to read about tips to keep the flames of passion burning bright in your relationship?

That’s part of the problem; We make time for what we prioritize. We all know that life can get busy and routines can take over, but fear not. Reviving and maintaining an exciting sex life is easier than you think—let’s dive into five easy ways to keep things hot.

1. Communication is key

Think of communication as the secret ingredient that spices up the intimate moments. Open and honest discussions about your likes, dislikes, desires, fantasies, and boundaries lay the foundation for a fulfilling sex life. Create a safe space where you both feel comfortable sharing your thoughts, needs, and concerns.

Being vulnerable is exactly what is needed to elevate the heat. Exploring each other’s desires can lead to exciting discoveries and deeper emotional connections. One very helpful tip here is make sure these heart to hearts occur outside of the bedroom.

2. Prioritize quality time

Life can be a rollercoaster, and sometimes it feels like there just isn’t enough time for anything, let alone sex. Here’s the thing: prioritizing quality time together is crucial.

Schedule regular date nights or special weekends away from the hustle and bustle. Disconnect from the outside world, put away your phones, and focus on each other. Rediscovering one another in new settings can reignite the sparks and help you create lasting memories.

3. Embrace adventure together

Remember when you first started dating and everything felt like an adventure? Bring that excitement back into your sex life by trying new things together.

Explore different positions, experiment with role-play, introduce adult toys if you’re comfortable with them, or even spice things up with some sensual games. The key is to step out of your comfort zone and enjoy the journey of discovering new activities and fun things to do together.

4. Keep the flirtation alive

Flirting isn’t just for the early stages of a relationship, it’s an ongoing process that can keep your connection alive and vibrant. Send playful texts throughout the day, leave love notes in unexpected places, or simply complement each other genuinely.

Flirting isn’t just about getting each other in the mood; It’s a reminder of the strong attraction you have for one another.

5. Focus on self-care

Here’s a little secret: your personal wellbeing has a profound impact on your sex life. When you feel confident and good about yourself, it reflects in the bedroom.

Take time for self-care activities that boost your self-esteem and overall sense of happiness. Exercise, eat well, get enough sleep, meditate, read, or indulge in a hobby you love. When you’re in a positive state of mind, you’ll be more open to intimacy and enjoying the pleasures of your relationship.

Bonus tip: Laughter is an aphrodisiac

Don’t underestimate the power of laughter! Sharing lighthearted moments and inside jokes can create an intimate bond that’s truly unique to your relationship.

Whether it’s watching a funny movie, reminiscing about funny moments you’ve shared, or just letting yourselves be goofballs together, laughter can enhance the emotional connection that fuels great sex.

The takeaway

Remember, keeping your sex life sizzling is a journey that requires effort from both partners. Be patient with each other, and don’t be discouraged by hiccups along the way. It’s all part of the process of growth and exploration. If you ever find yourselves in a rut, don’t hesitate to seek guidance from a professional who can offer tailored advice to suit your specific needs.

Your sex life is an ever-evolving aspect of your relationship. By nurturing open communication, prioritizing quality time, embracing adventure, keeping the flirtation alive, and focusing on self-care, you can ensure that things continue to sizzle in the sheets.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What is parallel play in relationships and why should you do it?

— It’s not a sex position, it’s better

By Sera Bozza

Do you feel too attached to or too independent of your partner? ‘Parallel play’ may be the secret to resurrecting your relationship – and it’s most likely not what you think.

Years ago, I was lost in my own world of Pinterest — my more wholesome version of doomscrolling — searching for “inspiration” while my ex-boyfriend was on the couch next to me, eager to start watching a movie.

But here’s the catch: he didn’t want to start the movie alone. He needed us both immersed in the movie together. Sigh.

It would have been the ultimate clapback if I had known about the ‘parallel play’ concept back then. And, no, while it may sound like a sex position (and sure, that’s one way of freezing an argument), it’s a much more efficient way for you to communicate and reclaim your solo hobbies while enjoying your couple time.

What is parallel play?

Two toddlers immersed in their own toys, sitting next to one other but not actually engaging, isn’t an anomaly; it’s known as parallel play. Mildred Parten, a sociologist, discovered it in 1929 and discovered that we start displaying this form of social engagement at age two.

Being together but absorbed in our respective activities is seen as a pillar of unconditional friendship. Regarding romantic relationships, though, we see things as much more binary. Deep conversations over romantic meals or alone time on opposite sides of the house, and with it, usually mounting resentment from one or either partner. 

Parallel play is the delight of being together with your partner without having to combine your activities. It strikes a compromise between intimacy and independence, providing shared experiences but not shared activities.

Why practising parallel play is crucial in romantic relationships

Parallel play allows both partners to create their own rhythm without stepping on each other’s toes. It’s not about ignoring each other but enjoying one other’s company while doing different things. Individually expressing yourselves so that neither feels suffocated.

Despite the fact that parallel play implies some independence, availability is still the name of the game. It’s crucial to know that if you want to share something amusing or intriguing, the other will pay to listen and respond, even if only for a few seconds.

Your companion is only an arm’s length away while you’re engrossed in your own world. It’s similar to having a safety net with loose ropes. Combining independence with closeness is an excellent approach, promoting a balanced relationship where autonomy does not trump connection.

It’s an excellent approach to maintaining personal space inside your shared space: every relationship necessitates some form of compromise. However, parallel play gives couples those rare moments when compromising takes a back seat. It’s a nod of agreement that says, ‘You have your thing, and I have mine. And that’s fine.’

Parallel play versus disconnection

It’s easy to confuse parallel with just being parallel, but here’s the difference: parallel play is an invitation to connect on different conditions, not an excuse for distance.

Parallel play is about intent rather than inattention: it is an intentional decision to do something enriching in the presence of your partner while they engage in their own enriching endeavour. It is not just about coexisting but about coexisting with purpose.

Parallel play provides a safe space to explore your personal needs and interests – and you practise self-care before sharing care. You’ll be better positioned to interact fully with your spouse later if your own interests thrive. 

Tips for parallel playing, well!

The best place to start is to sit down and decide what kinds of activities will work for this side-by-side hangout (and which won’t).

The idea is to use this time to cultivate a hobby or interest that is completely yours, not something that you and both enjoy and usually do together.

Lastly, parallel play should not be a chore. Continue to balance your time in your relationship with time spent alone, together, with friends, and in any other way that gets you closer and stronger as a couple.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Have a ‘Sexual State of the Union’

— In her new book, the sex educator Emily Morse argues that every couple should have a frank conversation — ideally, once a month.

By Catherine Pearson

Work, kids, health — countless factors can get in the way of good sex. But Emily Morse, a sex educator, believes one roadblock tends to loom larger than the others.

“Most of the sexual problems in our relationships have nothing to do with sex, and everything to do with communication,” Ms. Morse writes in her new book, “Smart Sex.”

Addressing intimacy isn’t always easy, she acknowledged: “Conversations around sex are not normalized at all.” But Ms. Morse’s raison d’être across her various platforms is to encourage people to talk openly about sex — to identify what they want, and to learn how to say it.

She has a long-running podcast, “Sex With Emily,” and more than 500,000 followers on Instagram, where she explores a variety of topics, from the best sex toys to confidence in the bedroom. A 2021 article in The New York Times likened Ms. Morse, who studied at the now-defunct Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, to the iconic Dr. Ruth.

In “Smart Sex,” she breaks down her rallying cry about communication into a handful of specific sex talks she believes are useful for couples to have. Among them is the “sexual state of the union” — a monthly check-in to help determine what’s working, what’s not and where things are headed next.

The Times talked to Ms. Morse about some strategies from her new book that she believes can help couples have an effective sexual state of the union, and why she thinks it is worthwhile — even if the idea makes you or your partner cringe.

1. Keep it brief.

A successful sexual state of the union shouldn’t last more than 10 minutes or so, Ms. Morse said. She believes that it can be helpful for couples to think about it as preventive care.

“You’re planting the seeds for the sex life to come,” she explained. “You’re going to learn: What worked? What didn’t work? And then how can we improve going forward?”

Ms. Morse recommends having the talk once a month (scheduled or more spontaneous, depending on the couple), though that frequency isn’t dictated by research. It’s based on her hunch that once a month feels manageable even when life is busy, and that it offers people enough time and space to do a bit of reflecting on what has been happening in their sex lives.

2. Expect it to be awkward.

Ms. Morse is adamant that good sex doesn’t just happen. Nor does talking about it somehow rob it of its “magic” — even if the resulting conversations are uncomfortable, or down right clumsy.

It can help to openly acknowledge any discomfort you might feel, she said. “In the moment, you can tell your partner: ‘Look, I know that this is new for us, but I want us to have a growth mind-set around our sexual connection,’” Ms. Morse said, noting her firm belief that vulnerability is essential for true intimacy.

“If it feels unsexy because you’re both nervous, that’s OK,” she added. “This isn’t, like, a foreplay exercise.”

Or consider other options, such as: “What can I do more of to make sex satisfying for you?” Or: “May I share something I’d like more of during sex?”

“What are you enjoying about our sex life right now?” is another option, although Ms. Morse acknowledges that is probably not a great conversation starter for those in the midst of a sexual drought, for instance.

In an ideal world, couples would get in the habit of having a regular sexual state of the union early in their relationship, Ms. Morse said, though she does believe it is a muscle that can be developed with practice — whether you have been together for “10 months or 10 years,” or beyond.

But if those sorts of questions feel impossible to ask, or if your partner is utterly unwilling to answer them, that’s a sign you may benefit from sex therapy, she said.

4. Pay attention to timing, tone and turf.

Often, when you talk about sex is as important as the actual words you use, Ms. Morse says. So make sure neither of you is hungry, angry, lonely or tired, or HALT, as you set out to discuss sex, she said. Doing so makes you and your partner less likely to be reactive or defensive.

And strive for a tone that is curious, compassionate and open, she said.

“A lot of us, when we have these intense conversations, our tone gets defensive — though we don’t mean it to be,” Ms. Morse said.

She insists conversations about sex should take place outside the bedroom, which she argues should be a sanctuary for sleep and sex — and nothing else. It may help to bring it up during an outdoor stroll, she said. You and your partner can both take a few deep breaths, and do not necessarily have to hold eye contact.

“I want people to remember that the sexual state of the union is not criticism,” Ms. Morse said. “It’s an opportunity to collaborate.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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12 Signs You’re in a Healthy Relationship

— Communication is key, but so is kindness

Some people say that when you’re in a healthy relationship, everything just comes easy. Others will say that’s not exactly true — the best long-term relationships require a lot of hard work, dedication and determination.

While we can certainly all agree that no one relationship is perfect and that every relationship comes with its own set of unique challenges, it’s perhaps true that a healthy relationship takes all of these things combined with people who love, respect and support each other.

But how do you know if you can really trust that it’s true? When can you let your guard down and feel assured that your relationship is, in fact, healthy and headed for long-term territory? The psychology of love may be a bit complex, but it doesn’t have to be a brain-buster.

Registered psychotherapist Natacha Duke, MA, RP, has some tell-tale signs that you’re in it for the long haul, as well as some checks and balances you can do along the way to reassure this relationship is healthy and right for you.

What is a healthy relationship?

A healthy relationship at its core is centered around:

  • Empathy and kindness.
  • Reliability and commitment.
  • Mutual respect for boundaries.
  • The ability to work together as a team.
  • Similar values and goals.

Having similar values and goals is perhaps the turning point for most relationships, as they fundamentally fuel almost everything else that you do.

Everyone’s needs ebb and flow, based on personal experiences. For example, it might be important for someone to have a partner who’s interested in volunteering and community service, whereas in other relationships that might not be as crucial. For the person who comes from a tight-knit family and prioritizes family gatherings around the holidays, they might be faced with some difficulty dating someone who disregards the importance of family.

“There are so many things that can go into a healthy relationship and some things are so personal to each of us,” notes Duke. “The point is that there’s a reasonable amount of reliability and that you both feel as though the other person is going to prioritize you and be true to their word every step of the way.”

The unfortunate issue is that everyone doesn’t always know they’re in a healthy relationship. That’s especially true if you’ve been caught up in problematic relationships in the past and if you’ve had a hard time recognizing red flags in one.

“Relationships can sometimes feel familiar, comfortable or better than other relationships you’ve had but that doesn’t mean it’s healthy,” states Duke. “If we have a history of problematic relationships or we don’t have a secure attachment formed in childhood, we can end up moving toward what’s familiar even though it’s not healthy. And that’s where you have to be careful.”

That requires a certain level of self-reflection before starting a new relationship. But even when you’ve been dating someone for a while, the healthiest relationships keep the door open for self-reflection, build off the mistakes you’ve each learned in the past and allow everyone to confront conflict together in a safe, constructive and helpful way.

“There are going to be times in every relationship that are going to be hard, but I think it’s how you deal with it that matters,” encourages Duke. “People in a healthy relationship should put each other at ease, have a willingness to work and grow together and be respectful of each other.”

Signs you have a healthy relationship

It’s easy to get swept up off your feet in all the twists and turns a new relationship has to offer, but once you begin building a solid foundation, these key signs reinforce a long-lasting healthy relationship:

1. R.E.S.P.E.C.T. — you both know what it means to each other

Setting up healthy boundaries isn’t always about drawing a line in the sand when things go south. Boundaries are good to put into place when we know crossing them would violate our mental, emotional and physical health or values. But they’re also good for establishing a level of respect for each other and for understanding the things you both feel are important.

“In a healthy relationship, you’re making space for each other, you’re making space for each other’s emotions, and making space to nurture and cultivate other aspects of each other’s lives,” Duke explains. “It’s also about being aware of your own personal boundaries.”

So, if your partner isn’t too keen on one of your friends, but that relationship is still important to you, it’s a good sign if your partner doesn’t try to prevent you from seeing them or isolate you from your friend group.

Healthy boundaries also exist in an intimate or sexual space, too. No one should ever feel pressured or ashamed when interacting with each other inside that space.

2. You trust one another and that trust is earned

“If you’ve worked through your relationship baggage and you’ve worked through your blind spots, hopefully, you come to a new relationship feeling more neutral about trusting someone else,” says Duke. “From there, you either come to trust this new person more and more over time, or you come to not trust them over time.”

And trust extends from the seemingly smallest things, like trusting someone with your emotions or allowing yourself to be vulnerable around them, as well as with making some big life decisions — like where to live and what you want your future family to look like — that will (hopefully) take you both into consideration and benefit all involved.

Long after the honeymoon phase has ended, a sign of a healthy relationship is knowing that you can rely on your partner without second guessing whether or not you can trust them. And there’s no real replacement for time when it comes to trust.

3. When the going gets tough, you find a way to communicate

“It’s kind of easy to have a relationship during the good times, but what really makes a relationship or bonds you as a couple is going through hard times together,” Duke says.

That means you want to find ways to express how you’re feeling, practice active listening when your partner is doing the same and work together to find solutions — even when you’re arguing.

“You don’t always have to see each other eye-to-eye, but you can always be both good and kind to each other and can always seek to understand the other person,” emphasizes Duke. “That’s what’s going to differentiate this relationship from another relationship that may not have a healthy longevity.”

4. You agree to disagree

In most cases, when there’s a conflict, you want to feel heard and understood and you want to come out of it feeling like the solution is a win-win for both of you, so there isn’t any lingering resentment from either side. But, going back to trust, it’s also good to disagree sometimes.

“If you can get through difficulties together, that builds trust, and the more you build that trust together, the stronger you become,” notes Duke.

So, even when you disagree about a problem or a solution, or even something mundane that happens during your day-to-day, finding a way to compromise is key.

5. You can also forgive each other

“If someone hasn’t had a positive or secure attachment in their childhood, they can end up holding grudges and find it difficult to forgive people,” explains Duke. “But there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship, and forgiveness is often a sign of love.”

If you have difficulty letting go or moving beyond problems that surface, or if you have a hard time with forgiveness, cognitive behavioral therapy can help identify some of the triggers that reinforce that behavior, as well as provide coping mechanisms you can try when conflict inevitably happens again down the line.

6. You’re both committed to the relationship

Perhaps one of the most common complaints in relationships is that someone is making more effort than the other. No one likes a one-sided relationship — but how do you find a way to balance everything equally, or at least be comfortable with what everyone is giving toward the relationship?

“You can always do some reality testing,” suggests Duke. “The best way to do that is to ask yourself, ‘Is this real? Is this true? Is it accurate that I’m holding more weight than the other person?’ And another way to test it is to bring your concerns to the person and talk about it and see if they’re going to put in more effort if you need them to or if nothing’s going to change.”

However it shakes out, a healthy relationship will likely ebb and flow, with one partner making up the slack for when another person can’t, and vice-versa.

7. You’re kind to each other

This certainly feels like a no-brainer, but we probably don’t think of this one as often as we should. What exactly does kindness look like in a healthy relationship?

“Kindness looks like feeling as though you’re safe, supported and a priority to the other person,” Duke illustrates. “It looks like apologizing when you’ve made a mistake. It means active listening, as much as possible, to your partner.”

That means at every turn, it’s OK to check in with yourself and curb your anger or expectations in order to make space for a level of kindness that’s rooted in mutual respect. It’s not always going to work or even be a perfect solution, but having the intention to always be kind as much as possible is a solid foundation for a healthy relationship.

“If you’ve known someone for a long time, you’re not going to be perfectly kind all the time, but I think there should be a certain amount of mutual respect and empathy toward each other, even when you’re not having a good day,” Duke continues.

8. You enjoy each other’s company and support each other’s goals

Maybe your weekly after-work routine is composed of playing video games with each other or watching your favorite shows. For the most part, your mutual interests are aligned. But when your partner suddenly plans to run a marathon, which means they’ll have to carve out time for training, you’re still supportive of those goals and you flex your time and availability when needed.

The importance of doing things together and allowing and supporting each other’s personal growth in a healthy relationship is two-fold: It allows you both to share the things you love with each other, and it gives you the space to be supportive even when something doesn’t fully align with your own individual interests.

“There are some things that are more important to some people than others,” Duke recognizes. “For some people, it’s really important for their person to be a part of their friend group. For others, that’s not very important. So, you have to find ways to compromise with each other without feeling like it’s a struggle or a sacrifice.”

9. You’re good at making decisions together

You’re not going out and buying big household items without consulting your partner first, and you make the time for your partner’s input. Sure, this isn’t always a perfect scenario, and sometimes, we can get a bit ahead of ourselves, but like with kindness, you should view the person you’re in a relationship with as your partner — a true team member you can call in for anything good, bad or ugly.

10. You don’t dodge difficulty

Speaking of the ugly, you don’t want to avoid having difficult conversations in a healthy relationship. You want to confront issues head-on (and be kind when doing so) and find ways to express your feelings even when you know you have to talk about challenges that might put on the heat and increase the pressure.

“It’s always good to be intentional and self-reflective and to be thoughtful in a conflict,” advises Duke. “We don’t enter relationships, nor do we have to, having everything figured out because we will never have everything figured out. There does need to be a certain level of self-understanding for our relationships to be able to be healthy though, and we all have hot-button issues.”

Expressing those issues in a constructive way is paramount to making sure boundaries for everyone are put in place and respected. And finding ways to mediate conflict together can be helpful in the long run.

11. You’re comfortable in who you are and independent from your partner

“To be able to look back on previous relationships and friendships and reflect on what are the things that make you mad, what tends to hurt your feelings and what causes conflicts is really important,” says Duke.

“We can bring those things to the next relationship, and when something comes up, we can really own it and say, ‘This is an issue for me, let me help you understand why this is an issue for me,’ and work through it together.”

And this doesn’t just apply to conflict management — knowing who you are as an individual and chasing after your own personal goals and dreams are just as important because this allows you to embrace a self-love perspective that will only further enhance your relationship.

12. You’re comfortable with each other even when you’re not ‘on’

Let goblin mode commence: You don’t always have to be perfect in front of your partner, and that’s especially true in the healthiest of relationships. Part of this goes back to being kind to one another, but in a different way.

Kindness can extend to allowing you and your partner to let go of responsibility sometimes in exchange for personal development. You’ll find that when you let your guard down with one another, the healthiest of relationships allow for a different level of intimacy and understanding.

“In order to enjoy a healthy relationship, we need to be prepared to be vulnerable with one another,” says Duke. “Sometimes, this might mean sharing parts of ourselves that we feel insecure about in order to see if this relationship could have the makings of something special.”

Strategies for reassuring yourself

Self-doubt is a powerful opponent, but there are some checks and balances you can put into place to reassure you that you’re in a good place in your relationship or to define exactly what needs improving.

“One thing you can continue to check in with yourself about over time is whether or not your trust towards this person is growing,” says Duke. “Is there something you’re not getting that you need? Is there something you’re not doing that your partner needs?”

Having the occasional, even informal, discussion about how each of you is feeling in a relationship is a great tool to carry things forward, even if it’s early in a relationship. By doing so, you can make sure you’re both on the same page and working toward the same goals.

“If it’s on your mind, even if it’s something good, don’t be afraid to bring it up,” reinforces Duke. “We tend to not communicate as much as we need, and you can rarely over-communicate when it comes to how you’re feeling. Checking in with yourself and the other person to make sure you continue to have similar goals and similar values is as equally important as anything else.”

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Are You Ready to Have ‘The Big Sex Talk’ With Your Teen?

— How to ensure the young adults in your life have the sexual health information they need.

By Ella Dorval Hall

As a parent, your child’s physical and emotional safety is likely your highest priority. While sexual health is a huge component of this, many parents don’t know how to support their teen’s sexual well-being. There’s a lot of misinformation out there, and oftentimes parents don’t feel as if they have the proper support to talk to their teens about sexual health. Enter “The Big Sex Talk,” or simply “The Talk.”

For many parents and caregivers, navigating topics such as puberty, sex and romantic relationships represents an intimidating and overwhelming element of parenting.

No matter where the hesitation lies, there are experts and research that’ll help you support your teen to make informed and healthy decisions about sexual health.

Why is it so important to have “The Talk” anyway?

Young people need accurate information about sex, whether oral, anal or vaginal sex, in order to make safe, healthy and informed decisions.

Extensive research indicates young people who do not have accurate information about their sexual health are more likely to experiment with sex at younger ages than ones who do.

Even some information is better than none. When teens are able to talk with a parent or caregiver about safer sex, they are less likely to have unprotected sex.

There is a wealth of research that shows talking to your teen about sex and healthy relationships is one of the most important elements to help them make informed and healthy decisions.

However, there is an overwhelming amount of misinformation about sexuality on the internet, particularly on social media. This is something both Gabrielle S. Evans, MPH, CHES, a sexuality educator and researcher based in Houston, and Clarissa Herman, a Minnesota-based social, emotional, and sexual health educator for emerging teenagers, are well aware of.

“Talking to your teen about sex is important because without receiving information from you, it’s likely that they’ll encounter false and unsafe information about sex on social media, which can lead to making decisions that they do not understand the outcome of,” Herman explained.

“Add this to the fact that sex education in school has decreased since the 1990s, and we have a major problem,” she added. “It’s really important to talk to your teen about what is healthy, what is normal, what is safe. And what is going to happen when they don’t have good reliable sources for that information in their schools like they used to, or from their care providers? Their main source is social media.”

In addition, having conversations with your teen about sexual contact shows them you are a trusted person they can come to, Evans noted.

“Research has been telling us for decades that teens prefer to get information about sex from their parents and other trusted adults in their lives,” said Erica M. Butler, M.Ed., founder of Happ E. SexTalk, LLC in Columbus, Ohio, and creator of HAPPERMATIONS, sex-positive affirmation cards for toddlers. “The disconnect is that parents don’t know how to talk about it (or don’t want to) and teens definitely don’t know how to bring it up without feeling like they’ll get in trouble.”

How do you prepare to have ‘The Talk?’

If you’re at a loss for words, you’re not alone. Talking about sex can prove challenging, uncomfortable and overwhelming. When many parents today recall if they received accurate and adequate information about sex and healthy relationships from their own parents as a teen, the overwhelming response is: no.

It can be hard to know how to handle these conversations when you have no personal experience with your own parents or caregivers. And it can also be difficult if your own discomfort about sex is because it was ignored or not treated respectfully in your household growing up.

We asked experts how parents can best prepare to have “The Talk” with their teens:

1. Start with yourself

“I always tell parents to start with themselves,” said Rosalia Rivera, a consent educator and child sexual abuse prevention specialist in Canada. “I encourage them to reflect and journal on their own beliefs, values and ideas about sex and relationships.”

Butler said parents need to think back to their years as a teen and how topics connected to sex were addressed in their family.

“Did they feel supported or like they could ask questions openly? How did that make them feel and how would they want to change that for their teen?” Butler said. “The more we can unlearn our own shame and guilt through our experiences, the better equipped we’ll be to have these conversations with our kids.”

2. Do the research

“Parents and caregivers can prepare themselves for this conversation by first making sure the information they provide is accurate,” Evans said.

Having accurate information, as well as age-appropriate information, is crucial, and there are a number of ways you can ensure this.

Herman recommends starting with an internet search.

“A parent or caregiver can prepare themselves for this conversation by doing the ‘poking around’ on the internet that their teenager can’t do,” Herman said. “Teenagers don’t know how to sift through good information or bad information. So a parent or caregiver can hop [online] and do this for them.”

3. Find additional resources

In addition to finding accurate, age-appropriate information on the internet, there are several organizations and adolescent sexual health professionals who have resources designed specifically to help parents and caregivers talk with their teens about sex.

Sex Positive Families, for example, offers workshops on puberty and other sexuality topics. They also have an entire library of resources that can be filtered by topic, age and type.

Amaze.org is another popular organization that provides parents with the tools and evidence-informed information they need to have conversations about sex with their teens.

Additionally, there are sexuality professionals such as Herman, Rivera and Butler, or Nadine Thornhill, Ed.D., for example, who are all specialized in helping caregivers support their teens with accurate information about sex and relationships.

4. Be willing to say ‘I don’t know’

While having accurate information to share with your teen is important, you don’t need to know everything. Before you try to learn about adolescent sexual health, remember it’s OK, and fairly important to admit when you don’t have the answer.

“Be OK with not knowing the answer to their question,” Butler said. “It’s impossible to know everything and remember you didn’t get great sex ed while growing up either, so there’s a lot we don’t know.”

Herman also stressed how important this is. If your teen asks you a question you don’t know the answer to, or you’re unsure how to explain it best, she said, “It’s OK to say, ‘I don’t know but I want to find out together.'”

5. Remember, ‘The Talk’ isn’t just one talk

While many caregivers would be relieved if just one conversation about sex and healthy relationships was enough, that’s not the case. Preparing your teen to make informed, healthy and safe decisions about sexuality and relationships takes more than a single conversation.

“People like myself who specialize in adolescent sexual health education, are really trying to move away from the entire concept of having ‘The Talk’ because having one talk is going to be uncomfortable, awkward, really weird and maybe not effective depending on the relationship they have with their kid,” Herman said.

“[Your teen] might get so dysregulated that they have to check out of the conversation. And you get so uncomfortable that nothing really happens. So people like myself, who are specialized in adolescent sex education, are really encouraging parents to start conversations early, have them often, keep them brief and keep them casual.”

For example, Herman said, you can have a brief and casual conversation by noticing something on TV or in a magazine and saying “What do you think about that?”

“Maybe you see a picture on social media of somebody wearing period underwear and you ask your kids ‘Hey, do you know about period underwear?’ or ‘What do you know about periods so far?’ and you talk for five minutes and then you move on,” Herman said.

6. Understanding ‘The Talk’ isn’t solely about sex

In addition to having more than one “talk,” it’s vital to remember these conversations aren’t just about sex. Parents and caregivers often think “The Talk” means teaching your teen strictly about STDs/STIs and pregnancy.

While these topics are important, they are small elements of what it means to provide your teen with adequate and accurate information to make healthy decisions about sex and relationships.

When parents and caregivers believe conversations are limited to just STDs/STIs and pregnancy, it can make the conversation feel even more intimidating and uncomfortable.

Prepare your teen with the information they need, which includes talking about topics such as rejection, how to understand your body boundaries and communicate them, learning what safe and unsafe touch is, puberty, breakups and internet safety.

7. Learn to stay calm

Giving your teen the information they need to succeed and create safe, healthy relationships and sexual experiences isn’t just about the facts you share, it’s also about how you share them.

“The No. 1 strategy I would recommend for a parent or caregiver preparing to have this conversation is to make sure that they themselves go into the conversation calm and regulated,” Herman said. “People are very sensitive, and kids especially are really sensitive to the energy you’re putting out.

“If you’re stressed out, if you’re radiating anger or fear, or defensiveness, they’re going to pick up on that. They’re going to start responding to that even before anyone has exchanged any words. So, do what you need to do to make sure that your body and your brain and your breath are calm before you go into that conversation.”

Go for a walk, practice deep breathing or call a friend and vent, Herman recommended. Taking an honest look at your own attitudes about sexuality, as Rivera and Butler mentioned, will help with this, too.

If you enter the conversation with your own discomfort about periods because you haven’t processed how periods were talked about in your household growing up, your teen will hear that in whatever you decide to tell them.

Take the time to journal, talk to a friend, or work with a coach or therapist. The goal is to enter conversations with your teen in a way that’s not defensive or guarded. Your script should be regulated, but allow for curious teens to ask whatever questions they have.

In fact, for some parents, it can be a relief to know the most important thing isn’t always knowing the facts or having the answer, but bringing a non-judgmental and open attitude to the conversation.

While topics like sex and relationships can be an intimidating and overwhelming element of parenting, start by taking a look at the feelings that arise for you as you’re finding the resources and information you need to feel prepared.

Your teen needs accurate information about sex and an open, non-judgmental attitude in order to make informed, safe and healthy sexual decisions. You may end up enjoying how close this process allows you to become with your teen, especially as they start to share other aspects of their lives, hoping for your input.

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