One of the more common questions I get at Dr Dick Sex Advice is about how to navigate opening a previously sexually exclusive relationship to include another or others. It’s generally hard to offer advice to a couple that I don’t know. So I often wind up suggesting some general guidelines — how the couple could begin the discussion, set some ground rules, find a compatible partner(s), enjoy the ride, and debrief afterward.
Unfortunately, this approach can make the idea of a threesome, group sex or swinging pretty mundane. And believe you me; they are hardly ever that. That’s why I’m grateful that my colleague, author, columnist, editor, and sex educator, Tristan Taormino, brings to life the joys of a ménage à trois.
This video is a collaboration between Tristan and the mammoth porn production company, Vivid. In fact, it’s hard to tell their educational programming from their porn productions. There are very high production values, as one would expect. There is none of the awkwardness one might find in an amateur production. The performers are uniformly beautiful and the sex is hot.
There is a down side to this; however. It all seems a little too slick and studied; the porn influence, I’d guess. The performers don’t really discuss what they what to do with each other and everything appears effortless. This isn’t an accurate representation of any three-way I’ve even known. And for someone wanting to figure out how to approach this kind of coupling, there’s precious little nuts ‘n bolts kind of information.
But maybe that’s the point, after all. Does educational and enrichment programming have to be clinical or pedantic? I don’t think so. And let’s face it; a whole lot more people fantasize about threesomes than will actually participate in one. So this is the ideal material for that group. It’s fun, it’s pretty, it’s full of sex and no one has a care in the world. Fantasy material indeed!
Oh, and you should know that this presentation has a decidedly heterosexual bent. There’s girl-on-girl action, no surprise there; but no guy-on-guy action. Was a teachable moment missed? I think so, but I wouldn’t have expected anything different from a Vivid production.
I have one major bone to pick with this project; no condoms were used during any of the sex scenes. This is a HUGE no-no in my book, particularly since this is billed as an educational video. Would it have killed them to tip their hat to the necessity of safe sex when multiple sex partners are involved? I gotta tell you I was really disappointed by this.
Tristan opens the DVD with some basics. She talks about some of the reasons why people have a 3-way and the sexual opportunities they present. She outlines the two kinds of threesomes — The Triangle: in which everyone is sexual with everyone, and The V: in which two people have sex with a third person, but not each other.
The DVD has, appropriately enough, three scenes.
Scene 1: We meet India Summer, Hailey James, and Jack Lawrence; they get together for a steamy ménage a trios. Both India and Haileey are hot for some girl-on-girl action, and now they can pig out. So yeah for that! There is also some nice toy use in this scene.
Scene 2: Shows us an example of The “V” type of threesome. Daisy Marie gets it on with both Derrick Pierce and his friend Christian. The men do not interact sexually with one another, which was a bummer for me. But everyone has a good gooey time anyway.
Scene 3: Here we have a wide-open threesome; everyone is into everyone. Penny Flame and Justice Young make out while Harmony is jillin-off on the bed. The gals get it on with each other as well as turn their attention to Justice. A big old vibe is introduced and everyone gets off big time.
Here’s a tip: if you’re can buy materials like this, you can rent this DVD as a whole or by the scene in my How To Video Library.
Full review HERE
Hey sex fans,
I’m adding this new feature to my Q&A columns. Whenever possible, I will include in my response a link to a movie in my HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY (see the VOD tab at the top of the page?) that will further educate or enrich the person who is asking the question.
Think of it as at HOMEWORK or further study on the topic at hand. I hope all of you will benefit from this terrific instructional and enriching resource. (Click on the images below for viewing information.)
I am very interested in learning more about prostate massage and milking techniques. Are you familiar with these things? Thank you.
I am very familiar with both prostate massage and the fetish commonly known as milking.
But let’s begin with prostate massage, because it is something every guy can practice and enjoy. I recommend all us men folk be prostate aware. You know I’m a big advocate of frequent prostate self-exam, right? And I figure while you’re down there rootin’ around in your butt-hole checking for abnormalities, hey spend a little more time and give yourself a nice massage why don’t ‘cha? Fingers work just fine for this, but an insertable vibrator is…well…out of this world. Prostate massage is a wonderful way to expand your self-pleasuring repertoire, especially for all you guys out there who only know how to yank on their dick for joy. And ladies, prostate massage is a great way to play with your male partners. Perhaps if you signal to your guy that a little butt play can be fun, more straight guys will be less ass-phobic and the world will be a much better place, don’t cha know.
You can feel your prostate gland by inserting a finger a couple of inches or so into your bum. If you are the least bit aroused your prostate will feel like a smooth rounded flat lump about the size of a large almond. Just in back of and up from your prostate is a smaller triangular wedge shaped nodule that is the bottom portion of your somewhat larger seminal vesicles. This, by the way, is where most of your jizz is produced and stored. Underneath the seminal vesicles are the ampullae, which are tiny reservoirs for your sperm that will mix with all the other fluids produced by the vesicles and your prostate when you cum.
As you become aroused, ejaculatory fluid and sperm accumulate in these glands backing up behind valves in the ejaculatory ducts. When the fluid pressure reaches a high enough threshold, the valves open and the urethral bulb fills, triggering the muscular contractions of your ejaculation. This empties the glands and you’ve just shot your wad.
Naturally, if one abstains from ejaculating for a while and prolongs his arousal stage, say like through edging, more fluids will build up, making for a larger load and a more explosive orgasm.
So with that little anatomy lesson behind us, so to speak, we can get back to prostate massage. Simply insert your well-lubricated middle finger or middle finger and index finger into your butt hole and apply a little pressure. Slowly massage your prostate. Doesn’t that feel yummy? Some men can cum by prostate massage alone. Hell, you may find that you don’t even need a stiff dick to enjoy an orgasm and/or an ejaculation.
Now to kink things up a bit we introduce the fetish called milking. This is mostly a partnered — dom/sub, bondage/discipline — sort of deal. But a guy can certainly do it on his own if he’d like. Basically, the object here is to drain and collect the spunk produced. How it’s collected? Well that’s is up for grabs. Ya see there are a zillion variations on the milking theme. Some practitioners deny the donor the pleasure of an orgasm while collecting his jizz. Ice packs are placed on a guy’s cock and balls before milking begins. The spooge will flow through prostate massage and masturbation, but there won’t be much feeling for the donor.
Another interesting twist on milking is to completely restrain and blindfold the donor. This may include a little (or a lot) of cock and ball torture (CBT) during the milking sessions. There are even milking machines available, not unlike the contraptions that milk a mother’s breast, for the medical fetishists among us.
There are sadists who revel in denying the donor any sexual release except for his milking sessions. This is where a male chastity belt will come in mighty handy. A guy will still need to have his balls drained, so to speak, every few weeks in order to avoid him losing his joy juice in a wet dream or when he takes a piss. But with regular prostate milkings, a dude can be deprived of orgasmic release for a long time with no harmful effects.
Those going for volume rather than frequency practice what is known as cum control, which takes edging to a whole new level. Their objective is to go as long as possible without triggering an orgasm or a wet dream. Since the pressure of fluid buildup increases with each arousal, the urgency to have an ejaculation also increases. To deny himself the release is, for some, exquisitely painful.
If you’re still looking for more information on all of this, search them interweb tubes for key words like: Semen Worship / Orgasm Control / Cum Control / Milking / Edging / Chastity and Cock and Ball Torture.
How come men are seen as ‘studs’ and women as ‘sluts’ for doing the same things.
Basically darling, that’s because our culture is pretty fucked up — sexually, and in so many other was too.
Despite the progress we’ve made over the last 50 years to liberate ourselves from suffocating sex-role stereotyping and culturally induced gender expectations, we are nowhere near being free and clear of all that crap.
Changing societal attitudes about sex begins with each one of us carving out our own healthy place to celebrate our sexuality. Carving out that place means we don’t tolerate this or any other kind of double standard bullshit from those around us. It’s tough standing against the tide of sexual bigotry, but it will make you strong and proud. Banding together with other like-minded people for support and encouragement is also important.
The biggest danger, of course, is that young, sexually progressive women will, in time, cave to the pressure to conform. They will begin to internalize the madonna/whore dichotomy that has plagued all of us for millennia and pass it on to yet another generation of vulnerable women. The risk is always there; so vigilance is the only response.
And all you guys out there who think that this double standard is the way things oughta be. Think again! You are not a stud if you cheapen your sexual partners by degrading them; you’re just an asshole.
Location: San Diego
I’ve been so disturbed about the increasing number of recalled Chinese made products lately — dog food, toothpaste, children’s toys and the like — that I was horrified to discover that most of my sex toys are made in China. I suppose this is a dumb time to ask, but how safe are sex toys?
That is a real good question, Brianna. Ya know there was a time when I thought that the greatest hazard to the ardent sex toy consumer was simply all the poorly designed and cheaply manufactured crap that floods the marketplace. But in light of the alarming news of recent months about the safety risks of many products coming from China, I think there is room for concern about the safety of Chinese made sex toys.
I hasten to add that not all Chinese imports are dangerous. Nor are all products grown or manufactured in the US safe. But there is a long history of unscrupulous Western companies exploiting the Chinese labor force. This greed and abuse leads to a dangerous mix that often has dire consequences.
Obviously there is no government regulatory agency out there with a mandate to protect us from unsafe or unhealthful sex toys. Of course, one can make the case that even when there is a government regulatory agency with a mandate to protect us, and our pets, from unsafe, tainted or unhealthy food, drugs and other consumables they’re not doing a particularly good job.
The sex toy industry does an equally piss-poor job of regulating itself. No surprise there, I suppose. Profit motives seem to trump all other considerations. And since there is virtually no scientific data on sex toy safety the responsibility for keeping ourselves safe falls to us, the consumer. It’s up to us to positively impact the market. We can begin by taking some responsibility for what we consume. We can go GREEN with our sex toys, so to speak. We could patronize only the retailers that provide fair and balanced product reviews. We could refrain from buying on impulse or being swayed by slick smutty packaging. We could avoid excess packaging that only winds up in a landfill.
We could avoid doing business with sex toy retailers who continue to peddle products with by unsubstantiated claims. Herbal supplements that promise to grow a guy’s dick bigger or enhance his sexual performance. Or those patches, pills and lubricating oils that are supposed to boost a chick’s desire. It’s not like there aren’t good products out there, it’s just that we have to do our research before we buy. Check out some of the great Product Review Sites too — Dr Dick’s Sex Toy Reviews, Jane’s Guide or Hey Epiphora.
We could protect ourselves by insisting our toys be manufactured by people who have access to sex information, education and contraception for themselves. If our purchases support repressive governments who abuse their people we are complicit in the repression. Imagine our dildos, vibrators and fetish gear being manufactured by people who will never be able to enjoy a happy, healthy integrated sex life because of gender inequity or poverty. That sucks, huh?
We can also protect ourselves by patronizing responsible and ethical sex toy retailers. These include my very own Dr Dick’s Stockroom, Good Vibrations, Babeland and Eden Fantasys. These retailers have excellent customer service departments and well as educational components to outreach. They’re also terrific resources for all your sex toy related questions.
There have been a lot of unsubstantiated claims made of late that there is a potential danger in all sex toys. Some insist that most sex toys contain cancer-causing ingredients. While I won’t go that far, there are some things to be concerned about. For example, many soft rubber toys are made using phthalates, which have been linked to environmental and human health issues. Phthalates (pronounced “thall-eights”) are a chemical compound used to soften hard plastics into soft rubbery and jelly-like toys. I also recommend that you avoid toys with artificial scent and dyes. They’ve been known to trigger allergic reactions in some people.
I believe that if you buy quality you are more likely to get quality. Consider hypoallergenic materials, such as silicone, wood, glass and aluminum. They are more expensive, but worth it. Then again, you could always use a condom on any insertable, or less expensive toy of questionable material. The problem with this is, condoms are not biodegradable and they’re expensive. By the time you factor in the cost of condoms for every toy use, you’ll actually be spending more per diddle than if you bought quality from the get-go.
Remember the more information you have, the wiser a consumer you will be.
Good luck ya’ll
Hey sex fans,
I’m adding a new feature to my Q&A columns. Whenever possible, I will include in my response a link to a movie in my HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY (see the VOD tab at the top of the page) that will further educate or enrich the person who is asking the question.
Think of it as at HOMEWORK or further study on the topic at hand. I hope all of you will benefit from this terrific instructional and enriching resource.
Location: Long Island, N.Y.
Almost 20 yrs. ago I had a transexual encounter. It was different but wonderful. Now I find myself wanting to explore this experience again. I’m now married with kids and I know it’s cheating but it won’t leave my thoughts. I don’t know what to think. I love being with a woman but this hunger won’t go away and I ‘m not entirely sure if I want it to. I don’t know if this means I’m gay, bi, or what. Please, please, if you’ve any advice your help and thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Hey Bob, the question of weather this craving makes you are gay, bi or what is the least of your issues, darlin’. You got this jones about chicks with dicks and it won’t go away because you don’t want it to go away. It’s a hunger that you feed by starving it. And I’m gonna go way out on a limb here and guess that you will, in pretty short order, go out and get you some of this exotic monkey love, just like before you were married. And I also predict that you will make it a habit, risks to your comfortable life and cheating on you wife not withstanding.
Here’s the thing about sexual obsessions of any stripe. The more you starve them the more the hunger consumes you. So rather than treat the desire head on, perhaps you need to address the underlying issues that give rise to it. I’d be willing to speculate that your life has become so predictable, mundane and lethargic that you long to be startled awake from this slumber. You entertain these juicy revelries as a way of keeping yourself from completely succumbing to the boredom. Am I right, Bob? I think I am.
You see, the real issue here is not your cravings for a walk on the wild side; it’s the boredom at your core. Desperate men do desperate things. And bored men do foolish things. So I suppose you need to ask yourself, to what lengths are you willing to go to satisfy this craving? And once you answer that, the more important question remains to be answered. How many times will you have to satisfy your craving to balance out the monotony in the rest of your life?
You see, how this has virtually nothing to do with your sexual orientation, gay, bi or whatever; it has to do with your lifestyle.
Perhaps, indulging your sexual fantasy in the relatively harmless form of some video consumption might assuage your obsession. It sure beats skippin’ out on your wife and family to satisfy your jones.
Location: South Africa
I have a new lover, 10 years my junior. We meet at a play party about three weeks ago. He is very adventuresome and totally submissive. He told me he wants me to shave him from head to toe and he wants me to do this while he is restrained and gagged. I’m confident about my bondage skills, but I’ve never saved anyone. Do you have any tips?
Some gals have all the luck! You gots yourself a submissive pup; good for you! Just think, this shaving scene could be a real Samson and Delilah kinda set up, and hopefully one of biblical proportions. HOT!
The overall body shave can be a bit tricky, especially for those sensitive areas of the body not used to being shaved. You can pretty much count on some nicks and cuts and there will be a fair amount of post-shave skin irritation too. It’s just par for the course. Ya’ll can minimize a lot of this by attending to some fundamentals before the event begins.
Most us men have discovered that shaving our face later in the day, or better…at night makes shaving easier. The same is true for fetish shaving. Nighttime is the best time! Work in a clean, well-lit place. The darkened dungeon is good choice for after-shave play, but you’ll need lots of light for the shave itself. You also need ready access to lots of clean hot water. So why not strap the boy to the bathroom sink, shower head, or better yet the kitchen table.
If the pup resembles the missing link, you’ll want to start the whole business by trimming his body hair as close to the skin as possible before you employ the razor. I suggest using a high quality barber shears for this.
Choose your razors carefully. Unless you are a real connoisseur and know how to wield a straight razor, stick with safety razors. Since you’re gonna be doing his whole body, be sure to stock up on a shit-load of the quality plastic disposable kind. You will find that the blades dull really fast when they are shaving course body hair. Dull razors, as everyone knows, will nick and scrape more than a sharp razor. You’ll want to minimize the number of times you pull the razor across any given patch of skin so as to minimize razor burn.
Cover the area you are about to shave with a hot, wet towel. It’ll soften the hair and makes it easier to remove. Use lots of shaving gel. Gel is better than shaving cream for sensitive skin. Always shave with the growth of the hair, not against. Be sure to have a styptic pencil or gel handy to stop bleeding when you nick the little monkey. And depending on how fastidious you are; keep a pair tweezers handy for yanking out the stray hairs you and your razor miss. This will give your sub something to remember!
No matter how careful you are, there will always be microscopic nicks and cuts afterwards. Left untreated, this can leave the skin open to a nasty infection. To prevent this, apply a liberal amount of an astringent, like which hazel. Hydrogen peroxide is and excellent and inexpensive alternative.
Ya know those nasty little red bumps that are caused by ingrown hairs? You can cut down on these little buggers by buffing the freshly shaved area with a cosmetic buff pad. Finally, a liberal application of a moisturizer is recommended to cut down on the itching that will inevitably follow. If the sub has never done this before, he will soon find out that he will be plagued by itching as his hair starts to grow in. Too bad for him, huh?
As you can see, this is gonna be a whole lot of work for you. And there’s gonna be a lot of clean up too. Lucky for you, you’ll have a freshly shaved sub to do all the work while you relax kick your feet up and eat your bonbons.
This might be helpful too — check out my review of The Ultimate Personal Shaver Kit HERE!
Here are some video suggestions to accompany my thoughts.
My husband and I are beginning to experiment with some light bondage and discipline. We’d like to know more about this and how to play safely. Unfortunately, because of his job we are stuck here in Indianapolis for another whole year. We have yet to find even one other person around here who shares our kink. So we don’t have anyone to ask about this.
Ahhh, the joys of the heartland. I’d be willing to guess there are other kinky pervs, like you guys, right there in Indian-apollis, but they don’t know how to find you anymore than you guys know how to find them. Kinda sad, huh? Well probably ya’ll are gonna need to turn to them internet tubes for the help you’re looking for. Kink and BDSM sites abound. Almost all of them have great “how to” and “helpful tips” sections geared to the budding kinkster. Several of these sites also feature profiles, chat rooms and bulletin boards for like-minded folks to connect and play.
For something really special, check out my newest podcast series — Sex EDGE-U-cation. I’m chatting with prominent educators, practitioners and advocates of unconventional sexual expressions and lifestyles from all over the world.
But since you are here, darlin’, I do have some preliminary thoughts to share. First, every scene should be negotiated before play begins. Never bypass this important step even if the two of you only play with one another. Ya see, what you don’t want to have happen is to break the mood mid-scene to ask a question or seek direction. All that should be taken care of before you start the play. Get use to working out all the logistics a head of time. These important negotiation sessions will also force you to communicate with each other and give you a ready vocabulary for talking with other prospective partners should the opportunity ever arise.
Negotiating a BDSM scene is not a “I’ll do this for you if you do that for me” sort of deal, like in vanilla sex. Rather it’s an honest discussion about you and your partner’s wants, needs, expectations and limits for the scene. Regardless if you are the dominant top or a submissive bottom, you must be equal partners when negotiating each scene.
If you do this sort of play a lot, the negotiations may become perfunctory. But like I said, they ought never be skipped. The nature of these negotiations is to set parameters, ascertain boundaries and establish limits — for example the intensity and duration of the scene. You may find that you need to set a time limit for your play, or discuss the type of restraints and means of discipline to be used. Debriefing (also known as Aftercare), once the scene is ended, is also a real good idea. You’ll, of course, need to establish safewords for your play. And if you don’t know what those are; you’d best stick to vanilla.
The more experience you have, the more likely you will develop a shorthand for negotiating your play. However, the less experienced you are, the more important it will be to spell out absolutely everything. Your negotiations ought to be a frank and open discussion, no holds bared as it were. Remember, you are not in the scene yet. So no one, dom or sub, has more input than the other. Speak and question one another freely.
The first question the dom needs to ask of the sub is “What are your limits?” Be specific, direct and pointed when you ask about one’s limits. The novice sub may not know his or her limits, so the dom will have to proceed with the utmost caution. This is where the safeword will most likely come into play.
The sub ought to have unqualified trust in the dom; without this the scene isn’t play, it’s abuse. Remember, there is never room for coercion in the negotiations. Save the guilt tripping, shame-inducement and intimidation for the scene itself.
Here’s some at homework for you and your husband. Check out The Surrender Of O. This is just one of the exceptionally fine enrichment videos in my How To Video Library.
When me and my wife have sex I like to cum in her ass. Is that bad for her?
If her’s is the only ass you cum in, there’s no problem.
However, if you’re dippin’ you wick in other bung-holes, or have multiple partners of any sort, exchanging bodily fluids is not recommended.
Good luck ya’ll