Category: SEX THERAPY

Fear of Sex, Lasting Longer, Performance Anxiety, Preorgasmic Women, Sensate Focus

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Overcoming Adult Toys Stigma

— Embracing Pleasure Without Shame

In today’s society, the stigma surrounding adult toys can often prevent individuals from fully embracing their sexuality and exploring pleasure without shame. This unnecessary guilt not only suppresses personal growth but can also impact one’s overall mental and physical well-being.

Adult toys, when used responsibly, can provide numerous health benefits. They allow us to better understand our desires, preferences, and fantasies, which helps improve our self-confidence and self-awareness. If you want to take a look at some of these, visit Inya Rose.

Additionally, incorporating adult toys into our intimate experiences can significantly enhance pleasure and happiness, while reducing stress and anxiety.

Origins of Adult Toy Stigma

kama sutra

The stigma surrounding adult toys and sexual pleasure can be traced back to societal beliefs and norms throughout history. In many traditional cultures, open discussions on sexuality were discouraged and, as a result, misconceptions and taboos around the intercourse persisted.

These beliefs and attitudes led to shame and embarrassment surrounding the topic of physical pleasure. Consequently, the use of adult toys, seen as a manifestation of one’s pursuit of pleasure, faced taboo as well.

Ancient societies had diverse views towards sexual pleasure:

  • Greek and Roman civilizations embraced sexuality as a natural and healthy aspect of life. Sexual exploration and the use of pleasure devices were considered acceptable.
  • Middle Ages and Christianity brought a shift in attitudes, with conservative beliefs and self-restraint surrounding sexuality becoming prevalent. Sexual devices were stigmatized and seen as sinful.
  • Victorian era further cemented this stigma, with strict moral codes and a culture of prudery. Sexual desires and adult toy usage were kept secret and frowned upon.

Evolution of Norms

Over time, there has been a progressive shift towards a more open, inclusive, and destigmatized understanding of sexuality and pleasure. The 20th century marked a significant change in societal attitudes, with key milestones driving this transformation:

  • 1960s & 1970s: This period saw widespread change in sexual behavior, attitudes, and sexual liberation. Discussions surrounding sexuality grew more open, and the use of adult toys started to gain acceptance.
  • The late 20th century: Mass media played a crucial role in breaking taboos and promoting a healthier attitude towards sex. Movies, books, and television shows began tackling topics like pleasure, exploration, and the use of adult toys.
  • 21st century: The Internet has expanded access to information and resources, further contributing to the normalization of sexual pleasure and adult toy usage. Online stores, communities, and forums have made it easier for individuals to learn about and purchase adult toys confidentially.

Gender Differences and Expectations

Gender Differences

Adult toy stigma revolves around various factors such as gender, socio-cultural beliefs, and personal attitudes. Women who own adult toys may face more judgment or disgrace than their male counterparts. This disparity often stems from traditional gender roles and society’s expectations of what is deemed sexually appropriate for each gender.

Women are often expected to be sexually reserved and demure. When they embrace adult toys, they may be labeled as promiscuous or deviant, leading to stigmatization. This restricts women from exploring their desires and fantasies and reinforcing the idea that pleasure is only for men.

Men, on the other hand, are often assumed to be more sexually expressive and adventurous. While they might also face some judgment because of societal norms, it’s generally more accepted for men to use adult toys.

Our collective effort in challenging these gender stereotypes and breaking the barrier of shame around sexual pleasure is vital in overcoming the adult toy stigma.

Role of Education in Combating Myths

An essential factor in dismantling adult toy stigma is education. Misinformation and misconceptions around adult toys can reinforce negative beliefs and make people hesitant to own or discuss them.

A comprehensive and sex-positive education can help bridge the knowledge gap and create a more open mindset towards sexual exploration and pleasure. It reduces shame and embarrassment by debunking myths and presenting accurate information about adult toys and their benefits.

Schools, parents, and healthcare professionals should prioritize honest discussions and provide a safe space for people to learn and express themselves without fear.

Access to unbiased and informative resources can help individuals form a balanced view on adult toys, overcoming the misconceptions and gender biases associated with them. By curating articles, studies, and forums online, we can encourage open conversations, normalize the use of adult toys, and stress their significance in sexual health and personal wellbeing.

The Psychological Impact of Sexual Shame

Sexual shame can profoundly affect an individual’s mental well-being, influencing their emotions, self-worth, and interpersonal connections. It often stems from a variety of sources, including societal expectations, cultural norms, or personal experiences. Internalizing negative perceptions about sex and pleasure can lead to feelings of guilt and embarrassment, particularly in the context of using adult toys.

This kind of shame can aggravate mental health issues like depression and anxiety. Our emotional health is closely linked to our sexual experiences, and the presence of shame can create obstacles to achieving intimacy and experiencing pleasure. Moreover, the stigma surrounding sexuality can impede open communication with partners, which can strain relationships and reinforce harmful beliefs.

Overcoming Internalized Negative Beliefs

In order to embrace pleasure without shame, it’s important to address and overcome internalized negative beliefs about sex and adult toy use. Here are some steps we can take:

  • Education: Learn about healthy sexuality and the benefits of using adult toys. Knowledge can be empowering, helping dismantle misconceptions and reduce stigma.
  • Self-acceptance: Embrace our desires and understand that sexual pleasure is a natural part of human experience. Recognizing that adult toys can enhance our sex lives and relationships is a crucial step.
  • Open communication: Engage in honest conversations with partners or supportive communities to discuss sexual desires, fantasies, and adult toy preferences. This can foster understanding, break down barriers, and normalize these topics.

Closing Thoughts

couple hands

Approaching adult toys with openness and a positive attitude is essential. This mindset helps in breaking down the stigmas associated with their use, leading to a more open, inclusive, and respectful discourse on sexuality and pleasure. It is vital to always prioritize and respect consent and boundaries in any sexual journey. Upholding these fundamental principles is key to a healthy and respectful exploration of sexuality.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Happens During an Orgasm?

— Here’s what science says about what your body goes through during the big moment.

By Izzie Price

Orgasms form a fundamental part of the human experience. They’re a natural biological process and are likely to take up a fair amount of time in our heads—whether we love them or fret about them.

How often have you worried that the sex was terrible because you or your partner didn’t orgasm? If you’re a woman, how many times have you worried that it “didn’t count” as an orgasm because you didn’t ejaculate?

More importantly, though, do you even know what’s going on in your body when you orgasm? Do you know about the many health benefits orgasms offer? Do you even know what an orgasm is?

What follows is a look into the science behind an orgasm, including the physicality of what’s happening. In addition, experts debunk some common orgasm myths.

What happens to your body during an orgasm?

“Orgasm, or sexual climax, is the peak of sexual excitement,” said Alyssa Dweck, M.D., a gynecologist in Westchester County, New York, and a sexual health and reproductive expert for Intimina, a brand of products focused on women’s intimate health. “Orgasm results in rhythmic muscular contractions in the pelvis—that is the uterus, vagina and anus. There are also elevated pulse and blood pressure, and rapid breathing.”

Dweck emphasized the psychological implications of orgasm related to the brain, including its release of the following:

  • Dopamine, which is the pleasure hormone
  • Oxytocin, which is the cuddling and bonding hormone
  • Serotonin, which is involved with mood, cognition, reward and memory
  • Endorphins, which influence pain perception, relaxation and mood enhancement

Sounds pretty good, right? What happens in your body that results in this physical and psychological burst of pleasure and excitement?

The process of orgasm can be broken down into four separate phases—arousal, plateau, orgasm and resolution—according to Masters and Johnson’s Human Sexual Response Cycle course.

“The excitement or arousal phase can last minutes or hours,” said Rachel Wright, M.A., L.M.F.T., a New York-based psychotherapist and host of “The Wright Conversations Podcast.” “Muscles get a little tense, your vagina may get wet, your skin may get flushed, your heart rate and breathing accelerating, your nipples may become hard and the breasts are becoming fuller.

“A penis will become erect and the vaginal walls will swell. The testes swell, the scrotum tightens and often the penis will secrete a lubricating liquid.”

It’s safe to say, then, that there’s a lot going on in the body when we get aroused. Things don’t slow down when we reach the plateau phase, either. Wright described it as “the excitement intensifying right up to orgasm in which the vagina swells from blood flow.”

The vaginal walls turn dark purple during this stage, Wright added. Then there’s the main event, which is the shortest phase of all.

“Some indicators of orgasm include involuntary muscle contractions, a rash or ‘sex flush,’ muscles in your feet may spasm, and you might feel a sudden or forceful release of sexual tension,” she said. “Your blood pressure and heart rate are at their highest rate at this point.”

For men, an orgasm triggers similar rhythmic contractions at the base of the penis. They result in the semen being released.

Are orgasms good for you?

The sheer amount of physiology associated with orgasms and the number of feel-good chemicals produced in the brain as a result seem to indicate orgasms are a biological necessity. Are they?

Dweck pointed to one study that indicated orgasms are perceived to improve sleep outcomes. Other health benefits include improved mood and increased life expectancy. This is all good but it has to be said: Orgasms are not essential.

“We don’t need orgasms, but they sure do feel good to have,” said Lyndsey Murray, a licensed professional counselor and certified sex therapist in Hurst, Texas. “I don’t like to put any pressure on having an orgasm because a lot of people feel like they are doing something wrong when orgasm isn’t achieved. When we take the pressure off having one, our bodies can respond naturally and lead to orgasms all on their own without us overthinking it.”

Orgasm myths and misconceptions

The orgasm gap—the high rate of male orgasms as compared to female orgasms—is real. But there are all kinds of myths and misconceptions about why those numbers aren’t closer together. Mostly, this is because of a lack of basic understanding of the female body and, subsequently, how it can reach and experience orgasm.

“The biggest misconception I note in clinical practice is the myth that vaginal penetration/intercourse always leads to orgasm when, in fact, clitoral stimulation is typically needed, and upwards of 70 percent of women won’t achieve orgasm through intercourse alone,” Dweck said.

The misconception that vaginal penetration always results in a female orgasm takes us to another common myth: “If an orgasm isn’t happening, there must be something wrong,” Murray said.

Not so. There could also be a technique issue at play, such as there being no clitoral stimulation.

“There may be sexual dysfunction that requires professional help. But it could also be performance anxiety getting in the way or maybe you just haven’t explored enough yet to figure out your own body,” she said. “I never like to use terms like ‘wrong’ or ‘failure,’ but instead, disappointment. If you’re disappointed with your sexual activity, focus on fun, pleasure and exploration.”

The biggest orgasm myth, according to Wright, focuses on physical evidence of sex taking place: “That there is only one kind [of sex] and there’s always ejaculation,” she said.

There can be 12 different ways for women to orgasm, she explained, which includes clitoral, vaginal, cervical and nipple orgasms. For men, she noted that orgasms can take the form of a wet dream, blended (whole body) or pelvic orgasms, as well as ejaculatory orgasms.

How can we improve societal attitudes toward orgasms?

Orgasms are great, sure, but they’re not the only thing that makes sex feel good. Sex is more holistic than that, and we need to enjoy orgasms without holding them up as the essential end result.

“The societal attitude I see most of is either orgasms mean great sex or no orgasm means the sex sucked,” Murray said. “I disagree with both sentiments. Usually what happens is someone feels like they failed themselves or their partner(s) if an orgasm didn’t happen. The next time they have sex, it becomes an over-focus on orgasm and no longer about fun, pleasure and intimacy.”

We should be talking more about the entire sexual experience and not the shortest part of the whole thing, Wright explained.

“In all the sexual response cycles, the orgasm is the shortest part, and yet we put so much focus on it. Sometimes, all the focus,” she said. “Try to focus on the experience and, instead of attaching everything to an orgasmic outcome, pay attention and focus on the experience. The experience is the pleasure.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The future of treating sexual dysfunction in 2024

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Sexual dysfunction, a concern affecting millions worldwide, has long been shrouded in silence and stigma. However, new developments in 2024 are transforming how we approach and treat this sensitive issue. This change isn’t just about enhancing sexual pleasure; it’s deeply tied to self-esteem, mental health, and the quality of relationships.

Open Communication: The first significant trend is the shift towards open communication about sexual dysfunction. This growing openness is largely fueled by mainstream acceptance and the increasing awareness among healthcare providers of the interconnection between sexual and overall health. Online counseling and specialized sexual wellness apps are playing a crucial role in this transformation, offering accessible resources for those hesitant to discuss these issues in person.

Advancements in Technology: Sound wave technology, particularly the development of Cliovana, is a breakthrough in treating sexual dysfunction, especially in women experiencing menopause-related symptoms. This pain-free, non-invasive technology stimulates natural healing processes, leading to enhanced blood flow, sensitivity, and sexual responsiveness. The simplicity and effectiveness of treatments like Cliovana’s soundwave therapy are key drivers in changing the landscape of sexual health solutions.

Menopause Education: The destigmatization of menopause and its associated sexual dysfunctions is gaining momentum. With the global menopause market projected to reach $22.7 billion by 2028, there’s an increasing focus on educating and providing solutions for women. This includes hormone and testosterone replacement therapies, which are tailored to individual symptoms, offering rejuvenation and improved sexual experiences.

Normalization of Sex Toys and Lubricants: Once considered taboo, sex toys and lubricants are now recognized as essential elements of sexual wellness. The market for these products is expanding rapidly, reflecting a societal shift towards accepting these products as tools for enhancing sexual experiences. Retail accessibility, both online and in physical stores, underscores this trend.

Lifestyle Choices and Sexual Health: Finally, there’s a growing understanding of how lifestyle choices impact sexual health. Research linking low-grade inflammation to erectile dysfunction (ED) has encouraged a broader distribution of information from doctors and researchers. Lifestyle modifications like reducing smoking, increasing physical activity, maintaining a healthy weight, and moderating alcohol consumption are recognized as effective strategies for minimizing the risk of ED.

One promising treatment is Cliovana, a unique, patented procedure specifically designed to enhance women’s orgasm intensity and frequency. This innovation is particularly noteworthy considering the widespread issue of sexual dissatisfaction among women. Studies indicate that 60% of women are not satisfied with their sex life, highlighting a significant disparity in sexual fulfillment between genders.

What sets Cliovana apart is its use of sound wave technology. This non-invasive approach, steering clear of lasers or scalpels, significantly reduces the risk of side effects, making it a safer alternative for sexual wellness. The technology is focused on increasing arousal levels, orgasm frequency, and intensity, aiming at a core aspect of sexual satisfaction: the clitoral responsiveness.

The efficacy of Cliovana is backed by clinical trials, which consistently show heightened sensation and stronger orgasms among women who undergo the treatment. The results are not just immediate but also long-lasting. Women report a sustained enhancement in their sexual experience, which can last for over a year, with the option of annual revitalization sessions to maintain these benefits.

2024 is setting a new tone in the realm of sexual health and wellness. With advancements in technology, increased openness, and a holistic approach to treatment and education, the future looks promising for individuals struggling with sexual dysfunction. This year symbolizes a breakthrough in not only treating the physical symptoms but also in supporting the emotional and relational aspects of sexual well-being.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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This is how tech can help us talk about sex without embarrassment

— Examining various players in the field, from established dating platforms to innovative sexual wellness startups, reveals the multifaceted ways technology can serve as a bridge to understanding and acceptance.

By Gleb Tsipursky

How can technology assist us in having more open and honest conversations about sex and sexuality? This question strikes at the heart of a major cultural challenge: the taboos and stigmas around discussing sensitive topics like sexual health and pleasure.

Yet avoiding these conversations leads to negative outcomes on individual and societal levels. The good news is that technology is emerging as a powerful tool to enable shame-free dialogues and create social change.

Platforms enable constructive conversations

A number of platforms provide an opportunity to foster open and constructive dialogues that address sexuality and stigma.

Match, one of the trailblazers in online dating, has consistently refined its platform to foster more nuanced and authentic interactions among its users.

Recognizing the importance of sexual well-being as a component of overall compatibility, Match has integrated features that allow users to communicate their needs and desires more transparently. The profile structures, messaging systems, and compatibility algorithms are carefully designed to create a comfortable space for individuals to express their sexual preferences and boundaries without fear of judgment.

Match’s commitment to creating a user-friendly environment goes beyond mere matchmaking; it encapsulates a drive toward cultivating a community where open communication about sexuality is not only possible but encouraged.

Grindr, a platform dedicated to the LGBTQ+ community, confronts the intersection of technology and sexuality with a keen awareness of the historical and ongoing stigmatization faced by its users.

Grindr has carved out a space in the digital world where individuals can explore their identities, connect with others on a basis of shared experience, and find solidarity in their journeys of self-discovery. The platform’s approach to anonymity, safety, and community engagement is specifically tailored to reduce the sense of isolation that often accompanies the exploration of one’s sexuality, particularly in less-accepting environments.

Through features that cater to the nuances of LGBTQ+ dating and networking, Grindr plays a critical role in facilitating access to supportive networks and resources, thereby contributing significantly to the destigmatization of LGBTQ+ sexualities.

OMGYes dives into the relatively under-explored territory of women’s sexual pleasure with an educational and research-based approach. It represents a significant technological and cultural shift, leveraging empirical studies and real experiences to enhance understanding and communication around sexual pleasure.

Unlike traditional platforms, OMGYes employs tactile simulations and comprehensive tutorials derived from extensive research, including partnerships with researchers at Indiana University and the Kinsey Institute. Users are offered an array of interactive features that teach various techniques to improve sexual satisfaction, presenting this sensitive subject matter with the rigor and detail it deserves.

The platform uses direct user feedback and interactive content to empower individuals to explore and communicate their preferences more confidently, thereby contributing to the larger aim of normalizing conversations around sexual health and pleasure.

Match, Grindr, OMGYes, and others serve as case studies in the creation of digital environments that are respectful, inclusive, and affirming. Their success demonstrates the appetite for platforms that prioritize the complexities of human sexuality and the demand for innovations that transcend traditional limitations on sexual discourse.

Bridging online and offline worlds

Let’s do a deep dive into one specific platform. “Through technology and anonymity, we hope our users are empowered to ask other users anything they want regarding sex and sexuality and not feel judged for both their questions and their replies,” says Mariana Tomé Ribeiro, founder of Quycky, an innovative tech company focused on sexual wellness and education, in our interview.

As Ribeiro explains, Quycky aims to build a bridge between theoretical knowledge and lived experience by “making it easier for users to find toys and other accessories to support their sexual fantasies.” In doing so, it closes the gap between abstract information and embodied wisdom. Integrating mind and body leads to deeper understanding and self-acceptance.

Quycky utilizes gaming features and matching algorithms to connect users based on shared attitudes, interests, and compatibility regarding sex and relationships. This increases the likelihood of forging substantial connections that aren’t limited to physical attraction.

Creating a fun and playful environment through the game also helps users open up. Ribeiro observes that the screen acts as a buffer that allows people to connect more readily. Gaming dynamics make it easier to initiate substantive conversations and share intimate details that many people tend to keep private.

Designing safe community spaces

When tackling sensitive topics like sexuality online, maintaining a respectful environment is crucial. Quycky incorporates community reputation systems where positive behaviors like openness are rewarded through badges and statuses. Users can also block disrespectful individuals.

According to Ribeiro, the goal is to “cultivate respect” because “everyone is different.” Though anonymity sometimes breeds toxicity, consciously fostering inclusive norms can counteract this tendency. Setting communal guidelines, encouraging empathy, and giving users tools to curate their interactions enables healthy discord.

For marginalized groups like LGBTQ+ people, finding spaces to openly discuss sexuality can be especially challenging due to stigma. At Quycky, an adaptive matching system connects users with similarities in sexual orientation and interests, without requiring them to explicitly state a label. The platform “creates a sexual chart that will match you in the future with users alike,” Ribeiro says. This allows organic discovery of one’s desires and preferences.

Of course, bringing sensitive discussions online also poses potential risks around privacy, harassment, and misinformation. But conscious design choices can mitigate these pitfalls. Ribeiro believes that overall, tech will expand access to knowledge and community around sexuality: “I think it can be huge because it’s a way that people feel safe and they can understand more about themselves.”

Countering shame through virtual connections

Religious and cultural conditioning often discourage openness about intimacy. Most people feel some awkwardness discussing sexual details even with close confidantes. Anonymity helps override this hesitancy to share vulnerabilities.

According to Ribeiro, users tend to be more open online. The technology itself acts as a buffer against judgment. This psychological distancing empowers people to voice questions and details they may keep private in their daily lives. Virtual interactions can thus facilitate honesty that for many is much more difficult to achieve in actual relationships.

Some may argue that online platforms foster superficial connections compared to in-person interactions. Ribeiro asserts that by emulating the fluidity of face-to-face conversations, tech can enable meaningful exchanges: “It’s about creating something that is more meaningful and how people connect digitally.”

Elements like games and algorithms to drive interactive narratives counteract the static nature of most online communication. Kinetic energy flows when users respond dynamically to evolving scenarios. The nonlinear spontaneity of natural dialogue gets preserved in virtual environments that are designed to mimic real-world encounters.

Countering biases that perpetuate stigma

Two cognitive biases that likely reinforce stigma around sexuality are confirmation bias and the empathy gap. Confirmation bias leads us to interpret information in ways that fit our preconceptions, making us resistant to changing our minds about taboo topics. The empathy gap makes it hard to relate to experiences outside our own, causing judgment toward sexual practices we don’t share.

Virtual platforms help counteract these biases by exposing users to diverse perspectives and narratives they otherwise may never encounter. The anonymity provided online also bypasses knee-jerk judgments that are often experienced during in-person interactions. Gradually, assumptions get challenged and empathy gets fostered through broadened horizons.

Ultimately, technology platforms like Quycky and others aim to destigmatize sexuality on a societal level by empowering honest personal conversations. Ribeiro explains that “breaking the taboo around sex” begins by helping “people feel comfortable talking about sex in a fun way, and making conversations shame-free.”

Through strategic gamification and adaptive matching, virtual platforms can make users feel at ease opening up about intimate topics. Then the data and insights gained can inform educational content to further reshape public knowledge and attitudes. It is a self-reinforcing cycle where micro-level interaction feeds macro-level progress.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Consent Culture

— What Consent Means and How to Set Personal Boundaries

By Peyton Nguyen

What is consent? Consent is a key component of all healthy relationships. What you are or are not comfortable with in a sexual experience can change over time. Thus, it’s important to communicate your needs to your partner while also checking to see what their needs are.

Consent culture, where people in a community feel empowered to freely make decisions regarding their own comfort as it pertains to their sexual experiences, is created through open dialogue about sex.

As part of a continuous effort to bring that conversation to the BU community, Student Health Services hosted an event for incoming students at Orientation called Cones for Consent. The event was originally established by SHS’ Sexual Assault Response & Prevention Center (SARP). Students completed a quick survey and got free ice cream in exchange! As a Student Health Ambassador, talking with students about such an important topic at a fun event like this was nice. Being able to chat with such a large portion of the student body over a popsicle was a great way to close out the summer. Our discussions and the array of anonymous survey responses helped us better understand how BU students think about consent.

Here’s What Students Responded With:

“Consent culture means having respect for others’ boundaries.”

Defining boundaries is an important part of establishing a healthy relationship, and respecting them ensures that everyone feels safe and comfortable.

“It means that you openly communicate with your partner.”

Open communication empowers partners to discuss what they like, dislike, and everything in between.

“Creating consent culture lets us feel safe and empowered on campus.”

Consent culture makes the campus community a better place for us all!

“Consent is always an enthusiastic yes that can be taken back at any time.”

Consent should always be freely given. If a person feels uncomfortable or can’t give consent, stop what you’re doing.

Through the survey, students showed that consent culture is important to them as members of the BU community – so how can you encourage the development of consent culture in your own relationships?

Here are a few tips to help you get started!

Have a conversation with yourself:

  • It isn’t always easy to know what you want. That’s why it’s important to take time and reflect on what you’re comfortable with.
  • Consider what ideas you may have surrounding sex in general. These are often shaped by past experiences, but you’re the only one who can know what’s best for you!

Understand what boundaries are:

  • Boundaries are guidelines/limits that help you feel comfortable and safe. These boundaries should be respected.
  • Over time, boundaries can change. This is completely normal! It’s important to revisit them as time passes, just to check in and see if anything has changed.
  • Boundaries can be set regarding a large number of things. Examples include:
    • Using condoms when having sex
    • Getting screened for STIs before having sex
    • Types of sexual activities that you are comfortable (or not comfortable) with

How to have the conversation:

  • Clearly communicating your needs and wants will help everyone be on the same page.
  • Here are some fill-in-the-blank guides for communicating boundaries:
    • Before we have sex, I think it’s important for us to both get screened for STIs. It’s important to me, and will make me feel safe.
    • Just FYI, since we’re going out tonight, I don’t want to have sex if we’ve been drinking. It makes me feel ________.
    • I don’t feel comfortable with ______. If you’re not okay with that, we shouldn’t have sex.

Addressing Consent and boundaries in the moment:

  • You might think you’re okay with something, and then once you’re in the moment, it may not feel right. That’s okay, and you deserve to have your boundaries respected. Don’t be afraid to verbalize that.
  • “No” is a full sentence – you don’t need to give a reason or justification.
  • If you hear “no” during sex, stop what you’re doing and check in with your partner. Boundaries are not a one-and-done conversation. It can take time to fully discuss everyone’s boundaries, and that’s okay!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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4 common misconceptions about penises, according to a sex doctor

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With a large amount of misinformation on the internet it can be hard *excuse the pun* to know what is fact and what is myth about our bodies.

And when it comes to the male anatomy, particularly the penis, there are plenty of misconceptions that are so common we take them as truth.

Well, Dr Danae Maragouthakis, from Yoxly, an Oxford-based sexual health start-up, has agreed to help Metro bust some myths around the phallus, so you are left satisfied with the answers.

There’s are the misconceptions about the penis Dr Danae hears a lot…

Myth 1: The penis is a muscle

Wrong.

Danae tells Metro.co.uk: ‘Some people believe that the penis is a muscle that can be exercised to increase size or improve sexual performance.

‘The penis is not a muscle. It looks like muscle because it gets hard when it fills with blood when it gets an erection but it’s actually made predominantly of spongey tissue and blood vessels.

There’s a lot of misinformation about the penis but we’ve got the truth

‘When someone fractures their penis, they break the blood vessels that run in the penis and tear the soft tissue. It’s incredibly painful and really dangerous, that’s a medical emergency.

‘Seek medical attention immediately because if you compromise the blood flow to those tissues, they can die.’

Myth 2: Penis length correlates with hand size

We’ve all heard it. People jokingly checking if their partner has big hands or big feet because “you know what that means”, but that’s actually a fruitless exercise.

And, we might add, one that doesn’t matter anyway.

Danae says: ‘There’s no reliable way to link somebody’s hand or foot size to their penis size — there’s no scientific evidence behind it to prove it.

‘I’m not entirely sure where the myth came from, I think it’s probably observational, where people noticed it and shared it with one another.’

Myth 3: All circumcised penises are less sensitive

Now, for those of us who do not have a penis, it’s not like we can be an authority on this topic, but we can tell you what the science says.

Danae tells Metro: ”The literature on this is mixed and every person will have a different experience.

‘There are some studies that say yes, there are men who experience reduced sensation. But there have been other studies done where men don’t report reduced sensation or functionality.

‘It’s not my place to tell someone with a penis how they do and don’t feel, but the scientific literature shows that not everybody who undergoes a circumcision experiences reduced sensation.’

Can circumcision reduce chances of acquiring SITs?

According to the Centre for Disease Control in America male circumcision can reduce a male’s chances of acquiring HIV by 50% to 60% during heterosexual contact with female partners with HIV.

‘Circumcised men compared with uncircumcised men have also been shown in clinical trials to be less likely to acquire new infections with syphilis (by 42%), genital ulcer disease (by 48%), genital herpes (by 28% to 45%), and high-risk strains of human papillomavirus associated with cancer (by 24% to 47% percent),’ it says.

However, ‘in the UK male circumcision is not medically recommended unless there’s a medical reason,’ Danae adds.

‘It’s important to note that the UK (NHS) and the US (CDC) differ on this point. In the UK, routine male circumcision is not considered a way of reducing STI risk.’

Speaking to the BBC, Dr Colm O’Mahony, a sexual health expert from the Countess of Chester Foundation Trust Hospital in Chester, said the US pushing circumcision as a solution sends the wrong message.

Keith Alcorn, from the HIV information service NAM, also warned: ‘We have to be careful not to take evidence from one part of the world (in this case Uganda) and apply it uncritically to others.

‘Male circumcision will have little impact on HIV risk for boys born in the UK, where the risk of acquiring HIV heterosexually is very low.’

Myth 4: Lengthening exercises can make your penis longer

Penis lengthening exercises, colloquially known as ‘jelqing’ refer to stretching the penis either with your hands or weighted devices.

‘Some of these things they do, where they take a flaccid penis and they grip the head and pull it in different directions, that can create micro tears and create more damage to the penis,’ says Danae.

‘People think these tears will fill up with scar tissue and make their penis bigger, but that’s just not true. Handling it so aggressively can cause injury and won’t make it bigger, there’s nothing scientific to back this up.’

Danae says this doesn’t apply to men who suffer with conditions like Peyronie’s disease, ‘where the penis gets an abnormal curvature’ who may need similar treatments, but for healthy men this shouldn’t be done.

‘This is where self-love and acceptance and trying to debunk the myths and stereotypes around what’s most important about penis’ — penis size, partner satisfaction — is important and it’s about accepting yourself,’ adds Danae.

‘Penis stretching is an unproven practice. There are certain exercises or devices that are thought to increase the length or girth of the penis. None of these are scientifically proven to result in any long term penile lengthening.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to have better sex

— 3 things vanilla couples can learn from the kink community

By Serafina Kenny

  • A sexologist said her kinky clients do a lot more planning around sex than the vanilla ones.
  • Shamrya Howard told Insider non-kinky couples can learn a lot from those who are kinkier.
  • Tips include frequent communication and starting foreplay for the next round at the end of sex.

You might think that kinky sex is as spontaneous as it is unconventional. But a sexologist told Insider that her kinky clients do a lot more planning than those who are more vanilla when it comes to sex, and that groundwork pays off in a way that we could all benefit from.

Shamyra Howard, a licensed clinical social worker and AASECT-certified sex therapist, realized that it was her kinkier clients who tended to discuss and plan their sexual encounters, even though scheduling sex is commonly seen as a marker of a stale sex life, and that this made having sex easier and better.

Here are three things that Howard thinks the kink community does that could improve sex for non-kinky couples.

Scheduling time for sex

Kinky sex often requires some forward planning and organization, because it can involve other people, locations outside of the home, and specific equipment. For example, you might schedule a “playdate” or “play party” to have sex with another couple, or need a costume and a free house for roleplay.

Some couples might just engage in sexual play or a kink rather than any sex acts during this scheduled time, Howard said, which allows them to be intimate without the pressure of sex and helps “to keep each other warm, until it’s time to heat each other all the way up.”

This can in turn improve sex when it does happen, because it allows partners to prepare emotionally and physically, which can make sex more enjoyable, she said.

If scheduling sex sounds too formal, Howard previously told Insider that “erotic time zones” are a less rigid way of letting your partner know when you might be up for sex.

Practicing aftercare

Aftercare involves checking in with each other after sex or play to make sure everyone was comfortable, and attending to your partners’ needs so the experience has a fulfilling end. Kinky couples who practice things such as BDSM using ropes and whips might need to tend to cuts and bruises after sex too, or it might be necessary to have some affection and conversation to reset from a consensually aggressive scenario.

But any couple can benefit from aftercare, even if it’s just fetching the other person a heated blanket or tea if they like to feel warmth after sex, Howard said.

“Aftercare can be a game changer for couples who struggle with a desire discrepancy or couples who don’t feel as connected in their sexual relationship,” Howard said, referring to a mismatch in times when different partners want sex. This is because aftercare can help partners feel closer emotionally after sex, even if they haven’t been so connected outside of the bedroom.

Howard said: “Foreplay begins at the end of your last sexual encounter, so aftercare prepares you for your next sexual experience.”

‘Using your mouth’ to communicate more about sex

Kink culture is very hot on consent and communication — for example, safe words are used to signal when something is too rough and there can be strict rules around touching at play parties.

Howard said that her kinkier clients are often therefore much better at talking about sex. “They have to have more open communication because it’s built into the negotiation of their kinks,” she said.

Plus, you can easily incorporate discussing what you enjoyed into aftercare, to make sex better next time.

“Use your mouth,” Howard said, “figure out what your partner likes, whether that’s kinky or not. That’s going to be the key to having better sex.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Remedial Jerkology

— A Better Way To Handle Yourself

By Dr Dick

In the last installment of my series on male masturbation, we discussed problematic masturbation styles—how they can get in the way of satisfying partnered sex, and offered a surefire way to resolve these problems. This time around, I’d like to offer suggestions on how men can use different styles of masturbation to overcome certain dysfunctions, such as premature ejaculation.

Short Fuse Confusion

Here we have 28-year-old Marcos from NYC:

I may have premature ejaculation, meaning after I’m excited, I can’t hold it in (ejaculation) for more than a couple of minutes, which worries me regarding the pleasure I can provide… Suggestions, other than the eventual doctor visit?

The curious thing about premature ejaculation is that what constitutes “premature” is pretty subjective. Some men report that they can only last a minute or two, others say they can last only 15 minutes, but all consider themselves as premature ejaculators. I’m not trying to suggest that PE is a figment of one’s imagination. On the contrary; any guy who isn’t satisfied with the control he has or doesn’t have over his ejaculation may fall into this general category. In the same way, lasting longer, whatever “longer” might mean, is a relatively easy thing to accomplish. All you have to do is work at prolonging the pleasure.

Let’s start with how you masturbate, Marcos. If I had to guess, these sessions are speedy little affairs, right? A quick wank just to relieve sexual tension is a good thing, but if that’s all the self-pleasuring you do, it will interfere with your partnered pleasure later. Look at it this way: If your body is sensitized to coming quickly while masturbating, then that’s how it’ll respond with a partner.

I suggest that you reevaluate your self-pleasuring activities. Most, if not all of your masturbation should be dedicated to full-body masturbation. The object is to play with the sexual tension that develops in self-pleasuring, and to delay the your ejaculation for as long as you can.

As you become turned on you, build up sexual tension. Move the sexual energy all over your body as you stroke your cock. Touch and pleasure your whole body — feet, nipples, asshole, etc. Make the pleasure last as long as you can. As you approach the point of ejaculation, stop stroking yourself and concentrate your play on the other parts of your body. When the urge to come subsides, you can start stroking your dick again. Repeat the process ’til you can last 30 minutes. (By the way, some people refer to this as edging or edge play — coming to the edge of coming and then backing away. Get it? Got it? Good!)

The purpose of this exercise, besides the joy of getting off on your whole body, is to teach your body a different way to respond to cock stimulation. If you practice this method conscientiously, it will increase your sexual stamina both alone, and when you’re with a partner, too. Spread the sexual energy around. Concentrate on stalling your orgasm through the techniques you learned in your self-pleasuring. If you’re getting close to coming, pull out until you regain control; then resume. This will take some practice, but it’s worth the effort.

One final thing: If you’re concerned about the amount of pleasure you can provide, short fuse or not, I always encourage the men I work with in my private practice to look to pleasuring their partners before they even get warmed up themselves. But even after you come, you still have a mouth and hands and fingers with which to pleasure your partner, so there’s never an excuse to leave a partner unsatisfied, regardless of your own sexual response cycle.

Keeping the Genie in the Bottle

Now let’s turn our attention to two other masturbation styles—one that comes out of the Tantric sex tradition, the other comes to us by way of the world of kink. Both are similar to edging, inasmuch as they help gain control over our ejaculatory response, however, each of these practices evolved for very different purposes.

Tantric sex is interesting, if for no other reason that it distinguishes between orgasm and ejaculation; a distinction all men should know. Although they often happen at the same time, we are capable of having orgasms without ejaculating. In the Tantric practice of controlled ejaculation, men avoid ejaculating during masturbation (or partnered sex), making it possible to capture and extend the energy of orgasm. Refraining from, or holding off on ejaculation, men can actually become multiorgasmic. Learning to control the wave of our orgasmic energy without releasing that energy, or chi, through an ejaculation will at least give the practitioner a fuller, more intense orgasm.

Here’s how this works. If you take the time, you’ll notice that you have four distinct stages of erection: lengthening and filling; swelling; full erection; rigid erection. The fourth stage, rigid erection, signifies ejaculation is close at hand. Knowing this, you can incorporate a couple of Tantric techniques to quell the rising tide. Conscious breathing is a key for extended lovemaking. Rapid breathing excites and arouses you. Slow, controlled breathing, way down into your belly, calms you and helps delay ejaculation. Focusing on your breath takes your attention away from your genitals.

Throw in a few Kegel exercises to postpone ejaculation as well. These contractions of your pelvic floor muscles will allay the approaching ejaculation.

You can also delay ejaculation by gently tugging on your balls down and away from your body.

Tantric sex is all about you being conscious of your full self in your sexual practices, alone or with a partner. Being aware of and controlling your breathing, your genital muscles and the build-up of sexual tension will allow you to last as long as you’d like. Tantric practitioners speak of opening one’s self to our higher “spiritual” centers of ecstasy, bliss, joy, and wonder.

Finally, from the kinkier side of things there is a version of ejaculation control that is far edgier than what we’ve discussed so far. Here we have actual orgasm denial, which is often associated with cock and ball torture and/or chastity play. This is either self-induced or part of power play between a sub and his Dom. We’ll leave the power-play dynamic for another time. For now we’ll just look at this as a kinky masturbation technique.

Here’s a typical scenario. An edger will begin to wank like normal, but when he gets near to coming—he stops stroking. So far so good. But here is where the cock and ball torture may be introduced. The guy will often squeeze or slap his cock and balls till the urge to shoot subsides. Once the urge to come quiets down, he begins to stroke again. Stopping again whenever he approaches climax. He repeats this whole “stop and start” cycle, along with the CBT for as many times as he would like, so that when he finally shoots, if indeed he permits himself an orgasm, it will be much stronger and he’ll spew loads more spunk.

However, like all things edgy, you gotta know when enough is enough. I know a lot of men who edge and they swear by it. I also know that a number of these men are doing themselves a disservice, even harm, because they are practicing an extreme version of edging. In the end, despite the stand-up nature of our dick, it is a very delicate instrument. Intense edging, especially accompanied by nasty squeezing or slapping to quell the building ejaculation can be injurious. And if you overdo orgasm denial you can injure your prostate and seminal vesicles.

Good luck!

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My Son Asked Me How Two Men Have Sex.

— My Reaction Surprised Me.

“The next day, I was still thinking about our conversation and sitting with the vague feeling that I hadn’t handled it correctly.”

By

We’ve been talking about sex around my house a lot lately.

As my 10-year-old gets ready to enter middle school next year, he’s been getting increasingly curious about bodies, puberty, and of course, s-e-x. He’s not interested in having sex, he’s quick to inform me ― in fact, the first time I explained the physical machinations of intercourse, his initial response was, “I don’t know, I’d rather play video games.”

But he is interested in understanding sex, a circumstance that has led to a series of increasingly difficult-to-answer queries along the lines of “But what does semen look like?”

We’ve looked at a diagram of the inside of a penis together. We found out that the hole on the tip of the penis is called the “urinary meatus.” I finally convinced him that a man doesn’t pee inside a woman to make a baby. It’s been a wild time.

I try to answer his questions as honestly as is age-appropriate while using the clinical and appropriate terms for body parts and sex acts. Sometimes, I get a little stumped or tongue-tied by questions I didn’t anticipate, like when he asked me how old you have to be to have sex. (I came up with: “There’s no set age, but you want to make sure you’re emotionally mature enough to handle it, that you’ve found someone you trust enough to take that step with, and that you have the necessary information to do it safely. Also, sex should never happen between children and adults.”)

While it’s not always easy or comfortable to have these conversations, I love that my preteen feels comfortable with himself and unashamed to approach me with any and all questions about sex and sexuality. (Although I did have to tell him recently that it’s not necessary to inform me every time he has an erection.)

I have also, throughout his life, been careful not to assume my son’s sexuality; if we talk about the idea of a future partner, I refer to a potential “boyfriend or girlfriend,” “husband or wife.” He has queer people in his life, and he knows other kids with gay parents. He knows about trans and non-binary people, and he once told me a great joke that went: “What are a chocolate bar’s pronouns? Her/she.” The time he came home from school repeating what some boy had told him — “Boys can’t kiss each other” — I didn’t hesitate to tell him that, my dear, they can and they DO.

“What if my son does turn out to be gay? Wouldn’t my ability to provide LGBTQ-inclusive sex education be of dire importance?”

I am very much a parent who says gay, because my son’s sexual orientation (and potentially, gender identity) has yet to be revealed to me, and it’s imperative to me that he knows I will love and support him no matter who he turns out to be attracted to.

So, the other night, when he asked me if two men can have sex together, I had no problem telling him enthusiastically: “Of course they can!” It’s when he asked me HOW they do it that things got hairy.

Tripping over my words, I gracelessly gave him the main idea. (Clinically, and not in excessive detail, but he got the gist.)

Then I immediately started to second-guess my decision. I should have said something nebulous like, “People have different ways to kiss and touch each other,” I thought to myself, feeling the itchy discomfort I get when I overshare with another mom at soccer practice.

So later, when he thought to ask me how two women do it, I sort of pawned him off with a nonanswer and sent him to bed. (But not before he asked me if I had ever done it, to which I responded with a swift and only slightly panicked “NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS,” which I stand by.)

The next day, I was still thinking about our conversation and sitting with the vague feeling that I hadn’t handled it correctly.

In light of the “Parental Rights in Education” law passed in Florida, dubbed the “Don’t Say Gay” bill in the popular lexicon, there has been a lot of talk about how supporters are assuming that discussion about the existence of sexual orientation or gender identity and related topics is somehow sexual in nature, and thereby inappropriate for children. That is wrong.

Knowing that some families have two mommies or two daddies is not sexual information. Small children don’t sexualise things in that way, and there’s nothing inherently deviant or inappropriate about knowing that LGBTQ+ people exist.

But what about when children are old enough to be taught about sex? (And experts do agree that these conversations are perfectly appropriate for children between 9 and 12, or even younger, especially considering they are on the cusp of puberty.)

If my son is old enough to have gotten a frank explanation of the mechanics of hetero sex, why did I feel so uncomfortable giving him the same information about queer sex? Especially considering that the sex acts engaged in by queer people are also performed by straight folks.

Somehow, when he asked me about two men together, the same information had just felt instinctually more, well, sexual.

I had to look at that discomfort. How had someone as well-intentioned and liberal and frankly not even entirely straight as me fallen into the idea that gay sex is somehow dirtier or less appropriate to talk about than straight sex?

“If my son is old enough to have gotten a frank explanation of the mechanics of hetero sex, why did I feel so uncomfortable giving him the same information about queer sex?”

And I don’t think I’m alone. When I started trying to research the topic, I found a lot of information on how to explain the concepts of sexual orientation and gender identity to children, but practically nothing about actually talking to them about queer sex, at any age.

And what if my son does turn out to be gay? Wouldn’t my ability to provide LGBTQ-inclusive sex education then be of dire importance? Don’t I want my son to be sexually prepared, informed, and provided with the information he needs to stay safe, no matter what his sexual orientation? Who would tell him about things like safety in anal play and dental dams?

Not necessarily the teachers at his school. According to the GLSEN 2019 National School Climate Survey, only 8.2% of students (including those who received no sexual education at school) “received LGBTQ-inclusive sex education, which included positive representations of both LGB and transgender and nonbinary identities and topics.”

As a high school junior who identifies as a lesbian told The Atlantic in a 2017 article on LGBTQ-inclusive sex education, “We were informed on the types of protection for heterosexual couples, but never the protection options for gay/lesbian couples.”

Despite my attempts to resist assuming my son’s heterosexuality, when I half-answered his questions about gay sex, wasn’t I assuming it was information he didn’t need? If I was truly considering the possibility that my son might not be straight, wouldn’t I have answered him differently? Pretty sneaky, hetereonormativity.

The more I Googled and the more I thought about it, the more I felt like I’d gotten it wrong. Luckily, this is no uncommon experience for a parent. I make mistakes all the time, and when I do, I think there’s great value in modelling my ability to admit it, take responsibility, and apologise.

So last night, around bedtime, when all the most important conversations seem to happen, I went back in.

“Last night, you asked me some questions about how two men and two women have sex together,” I told him, “and I think I felt a little bit uncomfortable, or nervous, and I didn’t really answer what you asked. But I thought about it more and I realised that if you’re old enough to know how straight people have sex, there’s no reason you’re not old enough to know how gay people have sex. So we can talk about the different ways that gay people have sex together, which, by the way, are also ways that straight people have sex together, and I will answer any questions you have.”

There was nothing dirty or inappropriate about the conversation we proceeded to have, and at the end, he just wanted to know which acts could result in pregnancy, which, hey ― is really important information to have!

He even made me proud when he pivoted from a reaction of “Wow, that’s so weird” to “Actually, it just wasn’t what I was expecting. I shouldn’t call it weird,” in less than 3 seconds with no prompting.

Maybe as importantly, I told him that I’d felt uncomfortable talking about all this because of a prejudice I had, and that everyone has prejudices, but we have to investigate them and try to move beyond them when they come up.

I hope that’s a lesson we all can take to heart because the core belief contributing to my discomfort around the topic of talking to my son about gay sex feels to me like it’s on the same continuum of the ideas fueling Florida’s “Don’t Say Gay” and copycat bills.

To be clear, I do not think that we should be educating young children about how anybody has sex. But just as gay people are not inherently inappropriate, and education about LGBTQ topics is not inherently sexual, providing education about gay sex to children who are old enough for sex education is not any dirtier than providing them with information about straight sex.

And in the case of LGBTQ kids, it just may be vital.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The third step is supporting

— Taking the child’s lead during gender identity exploration

Following the child’s lead is key as they explore their gender identity, experts say.

Being supported is critical as children and adolescents explore their identity. It is the key to avoiding worsening mental health outcomes, research indicates.

By Christine Dalgleish

Being supported is of the utmost importance for children and adolescents exploring their gender identity.

It is the key to avoiding worsening mental health outcomes, research indicates.

A group of local healthcare providers and doctors, Physicians for Diversity & Inclusion, have come together to stand with families of gender diverse children and gender diverse members of the community.

Dr. Ingrid Cosio, whose practice includes time spent at the Northern Gender Clinic in Prince George each week, provides specialized care to transgender and gender diverse persons living in the Northern Health region.

Only about 25 per cent of those exploring their gender identity before puberty go on to take the journey to transition and identify as trans, Cosio said.

“That gender diversity group who is exploring is much bigger compared to the group who ultimately, after puberty, identify as gender incongruent,” Cosio said. “But all the more important is that exploration piece be supported so they can figure that out.”

The key is to follow the child’s lead.

“If the child would like to try different clothing, a different pronoun, a different name or nickname, to see what that feels like then that’s great,” Cosio said. “I think that’s really important because it’s part of that reflection/exploration that is so key. So really it’s about observing them, creating a space where they’ll hopefully tell you if they want to explore.”

Parents can invite their child to talk about it if they would like to change things, Cosio added.

“I have some young folks who were assigned male at birth, they identify as female since they were two years old but want to keep their very typically masculine name – and they don’t want to change that and that’s totally fine,” Cosio said. “That’s what I mean about following the child’s lead – it’s not like ‘well, now you have to change your name’ – no, it’s like ‘what are you comfortable with?’ So I think there’s a lot of misinformation about children being told or being convinced they need to change pronouns or do this or do that. The key is taking the child’s lead and supporting them along that path to do that exploration because only they can do that.”

Support and love for the child no matter what, Cosio said, is the biggest part people can play.

Sexual orientation and gender identity (SOGI) programs in place in local schools helps educators make schools inclusive and safe for students of all sexual orientations and gender identities. At school, students’ gender does not limit their interests and opportunities, and their sexual orientation and how they understand and express their gender are welcomed without discrimination.

But if parents want to connect with the school, Cosio said, that might be a good idea if there are issues.

“This is something I would see 15 years ago for sure, much, much less now, but do go have a meeting with the school and talk about the goals and how to support your kid,” Cosio said. “That’s the main message.”

Gender diverse children and youth who received medical gender-affirming care over one year experienced 60 per cent lower odds of depression and 73 per cent lower odds of suicidality.

Gender diverse children and youth with supportive parents compared to those with somewhat or non-supportive parents have reduced rates of depression from 75 per cent to 23 per cent, reduced rates of suicidal ideation from 70 per cent to 34 per cent and reduced rates of suicide attempts from 57 per cent to four per cent.

Research has consistently shown very low rates of gender diverse children and youth de-transitioning after social and or medical transitioning, Cosio added.

For reliable and accurate information about gender identity, visit the BC Children’s Hospital gender resource page.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex therapists on 20 simple, satisfying ways to revive your lost libido

— Losing your mojo is very common, but it can be overcome, whether through self-love, putting down your phone – or even a sex ban

By

Most people will experience a loss of sexual desire at some point in their life, be it due to parenthood, a health condition, hormonal changes, grief or other reasons. But how can you overcome this? Sex therapists and educators share the secrets to getting your mojo back.

1. Be aware that it is incredibly normal

“Fluctuations in desire are a natural part of the human experience, influenced by different life stages,” says Chris Sheridan, a psychotherapist and founder of The Queer Therapist in Glasgow. “We’re not robots,” says Natasha Silverman, a Relate sex and relationship therapist based in the Cotswolds. She has helped couples who haven’t had sex for decades and says this is one of the most common reasons people seek advice. “It is very normal for relationships to go through periods when couples aren’t having sex, or one person wants to and the other doesn’t.”

2. Mood is often a factor

Addressing this is the first step. “External life stresses and anxiety all put the brakes on sexual desire,” says Silverman. “If you are stressed and overwhelmed – worried about the kids or there are problems at work – it’s not going to be quite so easy to get into that headspace.” Medication such as antidepressants can also have an impact on sex drive, she adds.

3. Have a medical check-up

It is important to see a doctor about loss of libido. If people are describing anxiety, depression or other symptoms that may be connected to a health issue such as the menopause, “we do suggest that people get checked”, says Silverman. “For example, someone may have erectile difficulties that are putting them off sex. But if that is a chronic problem, it can be indicative of something like heart disease.”

4. Talk to someone outside the relationship

Find someone to confide in, says Silverman. This could be “a friend or a professional. Someone who can normalise it, help you look at why this might be happening and take the shame out of it. Think about when things changed and what might be making it more difficult.” Try to work out, “what it is that made you feel as if your mojo isn’t there any more”, says Dami “Oloni” Olonisakin, a sex positive educator and author of The Big O: An empowering guide to loving, dating and f**king.

5. Be prepared to talk to your partner

When you are ready, talk to your partner about how you are feeling. This could be in a therapy space or on your own. “Your partner will already be sensing that something has changed,” says Silverman. “And if you’re not talking about it with them, they are going to fill in the gaps, most likely with their own anxieties: ‘They don’t want to be with me any more’; ‘They don’t find me attractive’; ‘Maybe there’s someone else.’ So be upfront and honest.” Most people are too ashamed to work on stale, long-term relationships and be more creative about seeking pleasure together, says Todd Baratz, a sex therapist in New York City. It doesn’t “necessarily mean getting out the whips and chains, it just means communicating about sex, talking about what your sexual needs are”.

‘Set aside time each week to explore each other’s bodies.’

6. Single people struggle with desire, too

It is not only those in a relationship who experience a loss of libido. Silverman says she is seeing increasing numbers of single people who “want to iron out mistakes from previous relationships” and women, in particular, who have become used to “minimising their needs”. There are a lot of myths that need to be busted about the G-spot and what a healthy sex life looks like, she says. Being single is a good time to figure out what works for you “and make yourself more robust”, for your next relationship or sexual encounter.

7. Work out what desire means to you

“Society often normalises saying ‘yes’ to things we may not genuinely want to do, a behaviour that can permeate our relationship dynamics,” says Sheridan. “Expressing our true desires and practising saying ‘no’ enables us to transition into healthy communication characterised by negotiation and mutual consent.”

“What is really important,” says Miranda Christophers, a sex and relationship psychotherapist at The Therapy Yard in Beaconsfield, “is that both partners have the desire for desire. If somebody’s motivation for intimacy is because they know that their partner likes to have sex and they need to do it to keep the partner happy, that wouldn’t necessarily be a positive motivator. We try to get them to work out what they enjoy about sex, what they are getting from it.” That could be pleasure in the moment or a sense of connection afterwards.

8. In most couples, one person will want sex more than the other

“This phenomenon is not exclusive to heterosexual couples,” says Sheridan. “It presents similarly within same-sex and sexually diverse relationships”, in which there can be “an additional layer of complexity emerging due to the pervasive influence of heteronormativity”. “Desire isn’t necessarily gender specific,” says Baratz. “It is often assumed that men want sex all the time and women want to be seduced, and that’s not the case. People have a wide and diverse expression of how they desire, regardless of their gender.” That said, men tend to experience spontaneous desire, whereas women are more responsive, says Christophers, and desire may only kick in at the point of arousal.

9. A sex ban can be a good place to start

Silverman says many therapists will encourage couples to abstain from sex and masturbation while initial conversations are taking place, before introducing affection for affection’s sake that won’t lead to something else. Plus, “telling someone they can’t have sex tends to be an effective way to get them in the mood”, she says.

10. Looking back is crucial

As with any kind of therapy, considering past experiences, positive and negative, can help to process problems in the present. Sheridan explains: “Examining a client’s sexual response history across their lifespan allows us to discern whether the change is a situational occurrence or a longstanding pattern. A crucial aspect of this involves understanding the current and historical dynamics of their relationships.” Silverman adds: “We look at their first relationships, the potential obstacles that are in the way of them being able to let go sexually, any health problems, trauma or historic sexual abuse.” “Trauma has a huge impact on our sensory system,” says Baratz, “and sex is all about sensory experiences, so it’s going to potentially decrease the way we feel safe or connected to our senses. That means that we need to be with a partner we feel safe with.”

11. Rediscover non-sexual intimacy

This could be “kissing each other before you leave the house or playfully patting your partner on the bum as they walk past”, says Oloni. “Different things can help reignite that spark, so when you are back in bed you’ve done things throughout the day that remind you your partner still desires you sexually and is attracted to you.” Sensate exercises, in which couples are encouraged to “set aside time each week to explore each other’s bodies, focusing on the feeling that they have themselves when they are doing this”, are helpful too, says Christophers.

12. Scheduling

This isn’t for everyone, says Silverman, as it can make sex feel like even more of a chore. But it can be helpful for some, especially if young children are getting in the way. “Schedule a romantic date night or time to find different ways to get in touch with that side,” says Oloni. For new parents, Christophers advises: “Even if it is just for an hour, go somewhere else and create a more adult space together.” Baratz recommends “planning sex instead of relying upon spontaneity and declaring our schedules are too busy”.

13. Self-love is everything

“Emphasising self-love is integral,” says Sheridan. “As it empowers individuals to honestly articulate their needs and desires, building more authentic and fulfilling sexual and emotional intimacy in the relationship.” Take care of yourself too: shower and put on fragrance, says Baratz. “Exercise plays a big role in cultivating a relationship with your body.” He encourages “yoga, if that’s pleasurable, or massage or a spa day or a bath bomb – anything that is a sensory experience that feels good and will reinforce the connection that we can feel with our body”. “When you walk past a mirror, tell yourself how beautiful you are,” says Oloni. “How lucky anybody would be to be in your presence naked.”

14. Work on body confidence

This could be through “buying yourself new lingerie that makes you feel sexy”, says Oloni. “You need to find that confidence within yourself then present that to your partner. I used to work in Victoria’s Secret, and I remember a woman came in who had just had a child and she burst into tears because a bra looked good on her. That has stuck with me because it really does take the right type of underwear to make you feel sexy again, or to see yourself in a different way.”

15. Faking it can be counterproductive

Again, this is very common, thanks to people getting sex education from mainstream pornography, says Silverman, which often suggests women need to have penetrative sex to have an orgasm, whereas about 75% of women require clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. But “every time someone fakes an orgasm, they are showing their partner the exact wrong way to make them climax – there is a sexual dishonesty there”, she says. “Some people do struggle to reach orgasm, which is known as anorgasmia. This can be a result of medication, trauma or trust issues that haven’t been explored. But generally speaking, people can reach orgasm on their own. We recommend that people get to know their bodies by themselves and what does it for them, before expecting a partner to know what to do.”

16. Pornography doesn’t have to be visual

“There is a difference between ethical and non-ethical pornography,” says Oloni. “And it is important to understand what has been created for the male gaze.” She points to other forms of erotica that can be accessed, such as audio pornography and literature. “There are so many different mediums you could get that sexual rush from, but I don’t think people truly explore. It’s usually the same link or bookmark of a favourite porn site or video. I think it’s important to mix it up, especially when it comes to fantasising. They say that the biggest sexual organ that we actually have is the brain. It’s so important to fantasise in different ways instead of just one.”

17. Think about ‘sexual currency’

“This is a term that a lot of sex educators are using now,” says Oloni, “which is designed to help you find that desire and spark in your relationship. It could mean cuddling more on the sofa when you’re watching a movie, or it could be remembering to kiss your partner before you leave the house.”

18. Write down things you want to try

This helps if you can’t say them out loud. Work out what they are and send over an image or link, suggests Oloni. “Write them down on bits of paper and put them in a pot,” says Christophers, so you can pull them out and potentially try something new. “Create an opportunity for playfulness,” she says. “A bit more intrigue, a bit more mystery.”

19. Variety is the spice of life

Oils, toys and other aids can be useful after body changes due to the menopause, having a baby or other health conditions, says Christophers, as is trying different positions. “Think about comfort and practical things, such as using lubricants.”

20. Put down your phone

For those who would rather go to bed with their phone than their partner, put it away. “This comes up a lot,” says Christophers. “I’m not saying don’t ever bring your phone into bed,” says Oloni. “But that could be a time where you up your sexual currency. You’re in bed with your partner. This is where you should feel your most relaxed but you can’t really unwind when you are on your phone, you’re still taking in so much information. You could use that time instead to not necessarily have sex, but just be still, hug, spoon or giggle with your partner.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The second step is learning

— Distinguishing gender identity and sexual orientation

The Gender Unicorn illustration explains the difference between sexual orientation and gender identity.

Sexual orientation and gender identity are hot topics that bring much controversy and misinformation with them, especially when it comes to youth. Dr. Cosio, Prince George physician, explains the difference.

By Christine Dalgleish

Sexual orientation and gender identity are hot topics that bring much controversy and misinformation with them, especially when it comes to young people.

A group of local healthcare providers and doctors, Physicians for Diversity & Inclusion, have come together to stand with families of gender diverse children and gender diverse members of the community.

Dr. Ingrid Cosio, whose practice includes time spent at the Northern Gender Clinic in Prince George each week, provides specialized care to transgender and gender diverse persons living in the Northern Health region.

Cosio referred to the www.transstudent.org online tool called The Gender Unicorn to explain basic terms used when it comes to explaining the difference between gender and sexuality.

“So gender identity is what’s in the brain, in the sense that this is how you feel on the inside – your gender,” Cosio said. “So there is female, male, other. So you can have some of one – it doesn’t mean you’re less of the other.”

Gender expression is how you are presenting yourself, which includes feminine, masculine or other.

“You can feel male even though you were assigned female at birth but not feel safe to express it in any way,” Cosio said. “Or you could fully express that by cutting your hair and doing things that are stereotypically considered more masculine. So that’s your expression piece and that’s what other people are going to see when they look at you. So that’s very different than what’s going on in your thoughts in your brain.”

Sex assigned at birth are your chromosomes and what parts you are born with, Cosio explained.

Who you are physically attracted to are totally separate from gender identity. Sometimes these are divided into physical attraction and emotional attraction.

“So you can have any combination, so that means if a person is gender diverse, it doesn’t mean they are gay and a lot of people make that mistake,” Cosio said.

Cosio often finds those who identify as gender diverse, where things aren’t put in boxes so much, are pan-sexual which means they are attracted to the person, no matter what gender they are or what parts they have.

“It’s really about the connection they make with a person,” Cosio said.

For reliable and accurate information about gender identity, visit the BC Children’s Hospital gender resource page.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Remember Shere Hite?

— A new documentary jogs our cultural memory of the pioneering sex researcher

This image released by IFC Films shows Shere Hite in a scene from “The Disappearance of Shere Hite.”

The 1976 book “The Hite Report” was a bestseller from the beginning

By LINDSEY BAHR

The 1976 book “The Hite Report” was a bestseller from the beginning. Its intimate anecdotes about love, sex, orgasms and masturbation, drawn from anonymous survey responses from about 3,000 women across the U.S., challenged male assumptions about heterosexual intercourse. And it made its author, Shere Hite, a deeply polarizing public figure.

A glamorous figure who had once paid the bills by modeling, Hite quickly became a fixture on talk shows and news programs in the 1970s and 80s after the publication of her report.

Playboy called it “The Hate Report.” Erica Jong, in The New York Times, wrote that what the women “have to say is utterly fascinating and often surprising” and to read it, “if you want to know how sex really is right now.” Everyone seemed to have something to say about it, and her.

But cultural memory can be short, especially when it comes to pioneering feminists — even ones who have sold 50 million books. When she died in 2020, at age 77, it seemed as though she’d been all but forgotten.

“The Disappearance of Shere Hite,” a new documentary from IFC Films now playing in theaters, takes a holistic look at Hite: her life, her work, her impact and why, after so many books sold and so many feathers ruffled, she faded into the backdrop.

Filmmaker Nicole Newnham (Oscar nominated for “Crip Camp” ) found “The Hite Report” in her mother’s bedside chest when she was 12 not too long after it was published. At the time, she said, it felt like a portal into the inner lives of women. And over the years what those women said stuck with her in a way that so many other books didn’t. When Hite died, Newnham realized how little she really knew about her and started digging around, teaming up with NBC News Studios, which had a similar idea.

And some younger generations were aware of Hite, like actor Dakota Johnson, whose company TeaTime Pictures executive produced the film. “We love Shere Hite!” Newnham recalled Johnson and her producing partner Ro Donnelly responding. Johnson, who is a co-creative director for a sexual wellness company, also gives voice to Hite’s writings in the documentary.

“I thought this was really a way to look at a phenomenon that occurs over and over and over again in our society,” Newnham said. “Women who are iconoclastic and speak out and change culture or have new ideas often do get forgotten.”

Though Hite gave up on the U.S. and decamped to Europe in the early 1990s, she took steps to ensure that anyone who wanted to follow the breadcrumbs of her moment in the spotlight could. She sold her personal archives to the Schlesinger Library at Radcliffe, including personal writings, original survey responses, notes about methodology (which was one of the things she was often pilloried for in the media), and tapes of her television appearances.

“She had a policy of asking for a VHS tape if she agreed to do a television interview,” Newnham said. “The footage you see in the film was material she’d taped, otherwise many of those shows would have been lost to history.”

Many of the clips are uncomfortable, with both men and women challenging and dismissing her work, sometimes without even having read it. Seeing Hite walk out of an interview was not uncommon, especially after the publication of “The Hite Report on Male Sexuality” in 1981, which proved even more divisive. And things only got more difficult for her as the culture entered the “backlash” era.

“She was a complex, volatile personality and we didn’t want to shy away from that,” Newnham said. “She was so viciously pictured as a man-hater. And yet what she really was trying to do is lead an enterprise to free of both men and women from the tyranny of this very specific, rigid, patriarchal way of looking at sexuality.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The first step is talking: how kids can safely explore gender identity

— “Going to talk to your doc doesn’t mean you’re expecting to have a treatment or some sort of solution. It’s a start of the discussion.”

It’s important to know children and adolescents will explore their identity and it’s a normal part of growing up.

By Christine Dalgleish

It’s important to know children and adolescents will explore their identity and it’s a normal part of growing up.

It’s not just about gender identity exploration but also what values are held dear, what kind of person they would like to be and it’s important to create a safe space for that exploration to occur.

A group of local healthcare providers and doctors, Physicians for Diversity & Inclusion, have come together to stand with families of gender diverse children and gender diverse members of the community.

Dr. Ingrid Cosio, whose practice includes time spent at the Northern Gender Clinic in Prince George each week, provides specialized care to transgender and gender diverse persons living in the Northern Health region.

Cosio offers some guidance during those first steps taken toward getting more information for a child talking about their gender identity.

“Any time is an OK time to bring it up,” Cosio said. “Going to talk to your doc doesn’t mean you’re expecting to have a treatment or some sort of solution. It’s a start of the discussion. Just like it would be for anything a patient is struggling with or has questions about. The ideal is that your primary care home – whether that’s a family physician or nurse practitioner – offers a safe place that you can go and talk about some feelings you’re having and have a chat about that. Even knowing that’s the starting point is so important and knowing you can come back if things are getting more difficult or you just want to follow up and talk some more.”

Knowing that identity exploration is normal and having a safe space to do that at the doctor’s office, at home and at school is the most important thing, Cosio said.

“Creation of the safe space at the doctor’s office where a patient can come and talk about things is super important,” Cosio said. “That they have a place to come – because some may not have that safe space – if they are coming with their parents, hopefully that means that there is some support to go get some questions answered and talk about it – so hopefully that’s already there. But the message for that first visit is that identity exploration in childhood and adolescents is totally normal, whether it’s gender, sexuality, just figuring out what your core values are, what’s important to you and what kind of person you want to be. And same goes for things like ‘the gender people assume I am doesn’t seem to fit.’ To think about that, to talk about that, so that’s where the whole exploration piece – and for the family and the child to know – that this is normal and we can just take their lead and support them.”

Having that safe space at home and at school is critically important, Cosio added.

“That’s where they can do that exploration,” Cosio said. “They can, so to speak, try on identities that they feel fit them better and to know that they are going to be accepted and loved no matter where they end up and would continue throughout that process.”

Feeling supported and safe while exploring their identity is essential for good mental health, Cosio added.

Gathering information from a patient is an important part of the job for a healthcare provider.

“Just letting them tell their story and talk about their experience and not necessarily guiding that but just seeing the important things they bring up, what are the questions, what are the fears and what their context is – who is in the home, things they like to do, what are the real successes that make them feel awesome, and what are some of the challenges they have. So the experience and the context are the two key pieces of understanding what’s really going on for the young patient.”

Cosio added it’s also important to ask about when they started thinking about this, how it has been making them feel, if it’s affecting their day-to-day life and  has it affected their mood? Are there other more pressing concerns like depression, anxiety or thoughts of self-harm or suicide?

“We want to be screening for that because it can be super dangerous,” Cosio said. “And if we don’t ask the question, they might not bring it up. And we don’t want to miss the opportunity where we could put in a safety plan or be aware of how at risk they are. And also are there any hopes or expectations of how, as their primary care provider, we can help other than listening and providing support.”

Those are the issues a first visit to the family practitioner will address.

The Prince George Public Library, in partnership with the Northern Gender Clinic, provides excellent resources, including gender workbooks, and novels with gender diverse characters going through similar journeys.

For reliable and accurate information about gender identity, visit the BC Children’s Hospital gender resource page.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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I Help Couples Improve Their Sex Life.

— Here Are The 4 Things I Wish More Men Knew.

“Because I’ve made these mistakes myself, I know I want to be loving, kind and generous. Most of my clients do, too.”

By

Imagine a new couple in their early 20s. Their relationship is fraying at the edges. She complains that if she doesn’t have sex with him, he mopes for days. If she does have sex with him, he’s happy for a few days before he begins complaining again.

He reports feeling lonely, that she’s not prioritising their relationship, and that he’s tried everything to spark her desire, but nothing works. He has two affairs in a year. She’s devastated and betrayed.

If my wife and I had been wise (and wealthy) enough to go to couples therapy at the lowest point in our marriage, this is how a therapist might have described us.

Shortly after my second affair, shocked and ashamed by my behavior, I began to read books about relationships, got into a men’s support group, started going to therapy, and expanded my friend circle so that my sexual relationship didn’t have to meet all my needs for human connection. Today, I provide therapy for couples in the area of relationships, sex and consent. In particular, I help men improve their relationships.

Because I’ve made these mistakes myself, I know I want to be loving, kind and generous. Most of my clients do, too. Here are four things I wish more men knew about consent.

Pressure kills desire

I used to express feelings of rejection, resentment and hopelessness because my wife and I “had not had sex in so long.” My wife would then go to the calendar and identify the numerous times we’d had sex recently. I could see she was right, but I also couldn’t change my feelings, because I was dependent on her to change my mood. This inability to soothe my emotions created sexual pressure for her.

This is a dynamic I see in my office regularly. When you can’t regulate your emotional responses when a partner declines your offers for sex, the emotional consequences of turning you down creates pressure for your partner. This negative pattern then taints any invitation, offer or initiation of sex inside a relationship. When your partner feels pressured, there’s no room for them to have their own desire, because your desire is taking up all the attention.

The absence of no is not the same as the presence of yes

One of the most common questions I get about this is whether ensuring you receive explicit consent will interrupt the flow of a sexual experience. But that should be the least of our worries. Do you know what interrupts the flow? Feelings of hurt and violation.

While learning consent communication, it may be awkward. But as you get more proficient in consent skills, it will interrupt the flow less, it will get sexier, and you will eventually find that it is a part of the flow with this partner. There will be a smaller learning curve with the next partner, as there is with everything in a new relationship.

The author with a copy of his book.
The author with a copy of his book.

Don’t get defensive

Men, even if you think you’re a “good guy” who would “never do anything like that,” you need to understand that men’s violence against women is pervasive. There’s a reason that women are afraid of men. They have more than likely been a victim of a man’s violence or threats, or are close to a woman who has been a victim of a man’s violence.

If your partner is trying to navigate around past trauma, you can collaborate by asking a new partner, “Is there anything you need me to do, or not to do, to help you feel safe throughout this process?”

If you do trigger their trauma, even inadvertently, don’t get defensive.

I once decided to go for a walk in a recent ex-partner’s neighbourhood. Coincidentally, my recent ex sent me a text asking me where I was and I replied that I was down the street. Women readers have probably gasped.

When this triggered fears exacerbated by her experience with a past stalker, I acknowledged that I had made a mistake, apologised, left, and didn’t repeat the error. She later thanked me for changing my behaviour and helping her feel safer. If I had gotten defensive, I’d have only worsened the situation.

Consent is for you

Men aren’t used to the idea that consent is for us. This is an essential lesson for us to learn.

Eighteen years into our marriage, my wife and I agreed, after almost two years of talking and preparing, to open our marriage to non-monogamy. As I became more confident dating as a polyamorous man, I learned I also needed to use consent to protect myself and my heart.

I had a friend who expressed interest in me, but in her polyamorous relationships, there were some broken agreements and conflicts between partners. Most of those issues weren’t her fault, but they did affect her. This didn’t create a feeling of safety for me, so I said “no thank you” to her offers. But after engaging in many consent conversations, I eventually felt comfortable enough to negotiate a very memorable sexual relationship. I had protected myself with “no,” until “yes” felt right. If it stopped feeling right in the future, I knew I could return to “no.”

Consent isn’t about trying to get consent from our partner. Consent is for people of all genders and all levels of desire. Consent makes us feel better about ourselves and our relationships. I hope to teach more men to prevent harm and increase their capacity to maintain healthy relationships.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!