Category: Sexual Performance Issues

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Don’t feel pressured, learn to ‘simmer’ and keep experimenting

— How to have great sex at every stage of life

Expert tips on a fun, fulfilling sex life – for teenagers, octogenarians and anyone in between

By

Age 16-25

Don’t worry if your first time isn’t perfect
“It’s not helpful to think of sex as having one big ‘first time’. You’ll probably have lots of first times,” says Milly Evans, author of Honest: Everything They Don’t Tell You About Sex, Relationships and Bodies Instead, she advises breaking it down into all the individual firsts you might have – “your first time having oral sex, penetrative sex, using hands or using toys”. Even if you experience all of these with one person, there will be a whole new set of firsts to explore with a different partner.

Communication is the thing that matters most
This holds true whatever age you are, according to Clover Stroud, author of My Wild and Sleepless Nights “Communicating clearly about desire, or how you like to be touched or treated, isn’t easy. I wish I’d known how much sex improves as you get older and become more confident about what you like and how to communicate those needs.”

Being ready to have sex is more than just a feeling
“It’s about lots of practical and emotional things too,” says Evans. “Does the idea of having sex make you excited or anxious? Do you know enough about contraception, STIs and consent? Do you know where to access support if something doesn’t go to plan? Would you have to drink alcohol in order to feel confident enough to have sex? Is there a safe place for you to have sex? Safety, comfort and wellbeing are essential.” If you can’t answer all of these questions positively, you probably aren’t ready.

Think about what you want ahead of time
“Reflecting can help you feel more prepared and in control,” says Evans. “Take a look at boundaries around things like touch, communication and time. Ask yourself if the relationships or sex depicted on TV, in books or on social media are what you’d like from your own. And remember that sex is something that happens with you, not to you – speak up about what you want, and encourage partners to do the same.”

Switch off negativity
“As you’re looking at movies or television or porn, or magazines or music videos or social media, ask yourself, ‘After I see this, am I going to feel better about my body as it is today, or worse?’” says sex educator Emily Nagoski, in her book Come As You Are. “If the answer is ‘worse’, stop buying or watching those things.” This is especially important where porn is concerned.

As the recent report from the children’s commissioner for England, Rachel de Souza, has highlighted, the increasingly abusive, aggressive behaviour depicted on many mainstream porn sites is normalising sexual violence and exploitation among teenagers, affecting their mental health and undermining their ability to develop healthy sexual relationships.

You have the right to change your mind
“Don’t feel pressure to do something sexually that you’re not comfortable with,” advises psychotherapist Silva Neves, author of Sexology: The Basics. “You can always say ‘no’ or ‘pause’, or say ‘no’ after you’ve said ‘yes’.”

Age 25-35

It’s good to simmer
“The happiest erotic couples make a point of enjoying feeling aroused together for its own sake – even on days when sex isn’t on the menu,” says US sex therapist Stephen Snyder, author of Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship. “In sex therapy we call this simmering. It’s what teenage couples do whenever they get a moment’s privacy. Quick, intimate bodily contact, fully clothed – just enough to get you slightly buzzed.”

Penetrative sex isn’t the gold standard (nor, for that matter, is simultaneous orgasm)
Many of what we have come to perceive as cultural markers of sexual excellence are spurious ideas that are now being refuted by science – and more honest, open debate around the subject. Such ingrained cultural beliefs are worth challenging. Do what works for you rather than what society tells you ought to work for you. For example, says Neves: “Many gay men don’t have anal sex at all, but prefer oral sex and intimate touching. Similarly, many women have very good sex without penis-in-vagina sex.”

You need to set the right conditions for sex
Context is everything, explains Nagoski. If you’re feeling relaxed, loved and fully present (as opposed to, say, worrying about an email you need to send, an argument you’ve just had, or whether the children might walk in on you) you’re likely to have better sex. If you’re not, it doesn’t matter how sexy your partner is, how much you love them, how fancy your underwear is or how many candles you light – almost nothing will activate that desire. Nor is it about what you do with your partner, which body parts go where, or how often, or for how long. It’s about sharing sensation in the context of profound trust and connection, and recognising the difference between what great sex is really like and what most of us expect great sex to be like.

You don’t have to have sex at all
“Gen Z are having less sex than millennials, who have less sex than older generations. This is often treated as a bad thing, but it might reflect more self-awareness in a hypersexual society,” says Aimée Lutkin, author of The Lonely Hunter: How Our Search for Love Is Broken. “Think about what you want out of sex and be honest about whether it is the thing you are really seeking. Is it intimacy? Community? Distraction? If it is sex, that’s great. The more in touch you are with your needs, the more likely it is you’ll make the connections you want to.”

Commitment and monogamy can be exciting
“In my teens and 20s, I thought good sex was about physical desire,” says Stroud, “but in my 30s I realised that feeling psychologically ‘seen’ by another, and trusting them implicitly, is where good sex starts. Then you learn to take huge risks with them too. At that point, commitment and monogamy get really exciting.”

Age 35-45

It’s normal for sex to drop off the list of priorities
“When you have a new baby or you’re caring for an elderly parent, overwhelmed with work or coping with some other form of stress, sex won’t be top of the agenda (though for some it will be a useful stress reliever),” writes Nagoski. “Don’t panic about it. It’s a phase you’ll pass through when you’ve managed the stress, and you’ll find your way back to the other side.”

Have a six-second kiss
“Greet one another at the end of the day with a kiss that lasts at least six seconds, or a hug that lasts at least 20 seconds. That guarantees you will both produce the hormone of emotional bonding, oxytocin,” says relationships expert John Gottman, co-author of The Seven-Day Love Prescription.

Make sex a priority
“Don’t make lovemaking the very last item on a long to-do list,” says Gottman. “Make it a real priority. Go on an overnight romantic date at a local B&B, or farther afield, at least four times a year.”

Don’t try to second-guess what your partner will enjoy
Whether you’re trying to sustain sexual satisfaction in a long-term relationship or wondering why a new partner isn’t responding to your usual moves the way a previous one did, the key is to be really honest about what works (or doesn’t) for you, instead of expecting your partner to guess. “About a quarter of women orgasm reliably with intercourse,” writes Nagoski. “The other 75% sometimes, rarely or never do, but might orgasm through manual sex, oral sex, vibrators, breast stimulation, toe sucking or pretty much any way you can imagine. They’re all healthy and normal. Similarly, a woman can be perfectly normal and experience arousal nonconcordance, where the behaviour of her genitals (being wet or dry) may not match her mental experience (feeling turned on or not).”

Have sex with yourself
Whatever age you are, “masturbation can be a great way to explore your body and fantasies”, says Evans. “Spend time creating your own storylines and find out what turns you on. You can also explore a whole world of visual, written and audio erotic content – but make sure it’s ethical (ie it is consensual, treats performers with respect, and pays performers and makers fairly). Audio erotica, in particular, has become more mainstream, especially among those who aren’t into visual porn, enjoy bringing their imagination into solo sex or want to try something new.” Two of the best-known platforms are Quinn and Dipsea, but it’s a fast-growing market.

Mothers are allowed to enjoy sex, too
“It is a complicated balance, being both a mother and a sexual being,” says Lucy Roeber, editor of the Erotic Review, which relaunches later this year. “In our society, we sometimes expect women who give birth to pass through a door into an idealised state of maternal preoccupation without a backward glance. Yet they have the same messy lusts and cravings. My advice is: don’t strive to be too perfect a mother and don’t deny yourself pleasure. It is surprisingly easy for women to accidentally put their sexual being to one side while they work on motherhood. Yet the two can and should work together. After all, in most cases, it was sex that started the process of parenthood in the first place.”

Age 45-55

To cuddle or not to cuddle?
Snyder says that “cuddling tends to deplete a couple’s erotic energy. If you like to cuddle together while watching TV, then be sure to ‘simmer’ [see above] during the ad breaks.” Gottman, however, advises “a daily cuddling ritual for watching films and TV shows at home where you actually stay physically in touch with one another. On one of these nights offer to give your partner a 15-minute massage.”

Don’t wait for desire to strike – practise creating it
“Too many couples only have sex when they feel desire,” says Snyder. “That’s fine when you’re 20. But by 50 most people are more interested in a good night’s sleep. What to do? Have sex anyway.” Nagoski agrees that pleasure matters more than desire. She says: “Create a context that allows your brain to interpret the world as a safe, fun, sexy, pleasurable place. It’s called responsive desire and it asks that your partner help you in creating good reasons for you to be turned on. While some people have a spontaneous desire style (they want sex out of the blue); others have a responsive desire style (they want sex only when something pleasurable is already happening). The rest, about half of women, experience some combination of the two.”

Embrace body confidence
“I’ve found that being in my 40s is entirely liberating. We get better as we shed the self-consciousness of youth, the desire to please, the emotional pliability. I love my body. It is the map of the years I’ve lived,” says Roeber. Nagoski questions wider sex-negative culture. “If you’ve learned to associate sexual arousal with stress, shame, disgust and guilt, you won’t have as good a sex life as someone who associates it with pleasure, confidence, joy and satisfaction,” she says. “Begin to recognise when your learned disgust response is interfering with your sexual pleasure. Your genitals and your partners’, your genital fluids and your partners’, your skin and sweat, and the fragrances of your body – these are all healthy elements of human sexual experience.”

Manage the menopause
Hormonal changes during the menopause and perimenopause can trigger a host of symptoms (low libido, fatigue, low mood, vaginal inflammation or dryness) that do not make a recipe for romance, according to Dr Louise Newson, GP, menopause specialist and founder of the Balance app. “If you notice any of these changes, see a healthcare professional for a proper diagnosis and to discuss treatment options.” Don’t assume these issues will only start in your late 40s, either. “Though the average age of menopause is 51, one in 100 women will go through menopause before the age of 40. Even if you have an ‘average’ menopause, the perimenopause often starts in your early 40s.”

Have a sex date
“Set a date to meet naked in bed to do absolutely nothing at all,” advises Snyder. “Talk, if you like, but this isn’t the time for deep conversation. Instead, focus on experiencing what’s going on in your body at that moment. Time is an endless string of such moments. Pay attention to a few of them. That’s often the best preparation for good lovemaking afterwards.”

Learn how to reconnect
“It can be hard to connect to someone intimately if you don’t feel connected to them emotionally. Launching into ‘You don’t make me come any more’ or ‘You never want sex and I feel rejected’ will put your partner on the defence,” says Ammanda Major, head of service quality and clinical practice at Relate. “Saying, ‘I’ve noticed we seem to have drifted a bit on this and I’m really hoping we might talk about it’ is gentler. You’re not making assumptions about what your partner might be feeling, but you are showing that you’re interested in what they have to say about it. Once you’ve got those things in place, you can have a conversation about how to deal with it.”

You’re never too old to experiment
“We have one body, but it can experience so many different forms of pleasure, especially when we open our minds. The more we accept the lie that our lives are over at 40, the more we are just cutting ourselves off from possibility,” says Lutkin. Newson agrees: “Your 50s and 60s can be a time of sexual liberation when your children may have flown the nest or you may be back on the dating scene after the end of a relationship. Many of my patients tell me that HRT and testosterone have given them a new lease of life. Make sure you are using lubricants [see below] and toys that are safe. These can ease discomfort and make sex more enjoyable, but many brands of lubricant contain irritants like glycerine and parabens, and should be avoided.”

Age 55-65

Focusing on sex drive is a wrong turn
So often we use the catch-all phrase “sex drive” to describe our enthusiasm for, or lack of interest in, sexual activity. In reality the process is more complicated than whether you’re feeling in the mood or not. “Your brain has a sexual ‘accelerator’ that responds to ‘sex-related’ stimulation: anything your brain has learned to associate with sexual arousal,” says Nagoski. “It also has sexual ‘brakes’ that respond to anything your brain interprets as a reason not to be turned on. Constantly monitoring for footsteps in the hallway? Have sex when no one else is home. Tired? Have a nap. Icked out by grit on the sheets? Change them. Cold feet? Put on socks. Sometimes it really is this simple.”

Follow the recipe for romance
While everyone’s particular sexual preferences may differ, studies suggest there are some commonalities among couples who claim to have great sex lives. “From the largest study ever done on what makes for great sex, the Normal Bar study, as well as our own studies, there are a baker’s dozen suggestions that set apart people who say they have a great sex life from people who complain that their sex life is awful,” says Gottman. “Things that work include kissing passionately, giving each other surprise romantic gifts, talking comfortably about their sex life and having weekly romantic dates.”

Manage dryness
“One symptom affecting a healthy sex life that should be on every woman’s radar is vaginal dryness,” says Newson. “You might also experience soreness, itching, irritation, painful sex, vulval changes and UTIs. It can be hugely distressing – I’ve treated women who have been in so much discomfort they can’t put on a pair of trousers or even sit down, let alone have intercourse. But it can be managed by using vaginal oestrogen or HRT and avoiding tight-fitting clothing. You should also avoid perfumed soaps and shower gels or intimate-hygiene washes.”

Find out what you like as a couple and make it happen
Monogamy is sometimes framed as the death knell of erotic connection, but, says Nagoski, this is a red herring. “Passion doesn’t happen automatically in a long-term, monogamous relationship. But it does happen if the couple takes deliberate control of the context,” she says. So find out what is pleasurable for you as a couple and spend time creating the context that leads to it. Often, but not always, we fall into one of two categories – those who need space from a partner in order to create spontaneous desire and those for whom great sex tends to happen when it’s preceded by affection and intimacy.

Don’t take things for granted
People often get stuck in familiar routines in the bedroom but, whether you’re with a long-term partner or starting a new relationship, it’s important to check in now and then and ask whether your usual approach is working. “If something doesn’t feel quite right, it’s important to be able to talk about it honestly and caringly,” says Major.

Age 65-plus

Don’t rush things
“If you’ve been in a partnership for many years that has now ended, you may want to get out there and meet people,” says Major. “But if something doesn’t feel right, it isn’t. Whether you’re 18 or 58, having sex is something to do when you feel confident that there is a degree of trust. New partners may have different expectations from you and different experiences. That’s potentially two very different sets of boundaries.”

Make the wellness connection
Older generations sometimes see sex as a taboo subject. If that’s the case for you, try reframing sexual wellbeing as one component of your wider physical and mental wellbeing. Whether you’re eager to discover positions that are easier on arthritic joints or prefer the closeness of a cuddle, maintaining intimacy can significantly boost overall wellness. Conversely, good health habits can improve our sexual wellbeing, particularly as the effects of ageing start to kick in. “Not drinking too much, eating sensibly and exercising regularly can all have a beneficial impact on our sex lives,” says Major.

Seek medical help when needed
Many older couples say erectile dysfunction medications make sex less anxiety-provoking, says Snyder, just as a lubricant can help some women. “Sex and worrying don’t go well together. As a sex therapist, I’m always happy when a couple has one less thing to worry about.” Major agrees: “Issues like erectile capacity and vaginal dryness need not rule out a satisfying sexual connection. But seeking medical help where needed is important – lumps, bumps, weird bleeding and poor erectile capacity can be symptomatic of health issues. And with the number of STIs in the over-65s having significantly increased as people move out of long-term relationships and start new ones, it’s important to get checked out.”

Strive for connection
“Being able to share intimacy with a partner, as opposed to just wanting intimacy for yourself, is vital,” says Major. “Your level of energy or physical connection might be quite constrained, but it’s very possible through gentle touch, words or kindness to maintain that core intimacy. For some couples, the physicality of sex becomes unimportant in later life, but what they have is a deep emotional connection – an ability to talk honestly and openly and caringly with one another.”

Welcome your sexuality
“The most important thing you can do to have a great sex life is to welcome your sexuality as it is, right now,” says Nagoski, “even if it’s not what you wanted or expected it to be.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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When One Partner Wants Sex More Than the Other

— Libido differences are a common part of relationships, sex therapists say. Here’s how to manage.

By Catherine Pearson

Frances and her wife have been together for more than 40 years, and early on in their relationship they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. Then came three children and a series of health issues (along with accompanying medications) that slowly eroded her wife’s libido.

“Her interest just went away,” said Frances, 61, who asked not to be identified by her last name out of respect for her wife’s privacy. “What had been maybe once a week went down to maybe once a month, then maybe once a year. Then at some point, it just stopped.”

For 10 years now, the couple has been in a sexual drought. Frances loves her wife and said their marriage was “strong.” But she also longs for the “mutuality” of sex.

“I find myself fantasizing about just about everyone I meet, and I feel guilty for these thoughts,” she said. “I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin.”

Recently, The New York Times asked readers about libido differences, and more than 1,200 wrote in, many sharing deeply personal stories of how they have navigated sexual incompatibilities. We also spoke to sex therapists and researchers who said that discrepancies in sexual desire were common, almost to the point of inevitability in long-term relationships. Research suggests that desire differences are one of the top reasons couples seek out therapy.

“I’m inclined to say that this happens in almost every partnership, either some of the time or more perpetually,” said Lauren Fogel Mersy, a psychologist, sex therapist and co-author of the forthcoming book “Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships.”

Many factors can influence libido: interpersonal dynamics, physical and mental health, the social messages around sexuality that people absorb during childhood and adolescence. The list goes on, and there are seldom easy fixes. But Dr. Fogel Mersy and other experts said more communication could help couples bridge gaps in sexual desire.

Focus on improving communication, not on trying to match your libidos.

When she sees clients with libido differences, Dr. Elisabeth Gordon, a psychiatrist and sex therapist, does not focus on lowering one partner’s sex drive or increasing the other’s. Instead, she helps partners understand what is driving those differences — which could be anything from relationship concerns to work stress — and, crucially, how to talk about them.

“I say this again and again, but the most important thing we can do is improve communication,” Dr. Gordon said. “Communication is the bedrock of sexual health.”

Joel, 40, and his wife of 12 years have struggled with sex for much of their marriage. The couple come from backgrounds that were rigid in different ways: His family was religious, and hers tended to avoid emotional topics. He is the partner with higher desire, and often can’t find the words to convey his frustration.

“I don’t want to feel needy,” said Joel, who also asked not to be identified by his last name to protect his family’s privacy. “And yet, at the same time, I want to express how important this is to me.” He said it can be “lonely” and “confusing” to sometimes feel like your partner is just not attracted to you anymore.

Dr. Gordon reminds clients like Joel of the basic tenants of good communication. Set aside a time to talk that isn’t at the end of a long day or when you are attempting to multitask. Consider what setting would help you feel comfortable, Dr. Gordon said, such as over a quiet dinner or during a walk.

Kristen Mark, a professor at the University of Minnesota Medical School’s Institute for Sexual and Gender Health, recommended using “I” statements, which can feel gentler and help curb defensiveness. (For instance, “I am not feeling much sex drive lately, because I am tired” or “I want to feel closer to you, whether we have sex or not.”) Or, she said, try the “sandwich method” — sharing a request or more difficult statement between two compliments.

Take time to identify intimacy inside and outside the bedroom.

Sex therapists who work with couples experiencing desire discrepancies may nudge their clients to expand their so-called sexual scripts. These are ideas people sometimes cling to about what sexual intimacy “should” look like and how it “should” unfold.

What matters is that you’re setting aside time for intimacy, whatever that means to you, Dr. Gordon said. For instance, she has seen clients who have compromised by having one partner hold the other while he or she masturbates.

A tattooed man and a woman lie on a bed with red sheets. The man is shirtless with his back facing the woman. The woman faces the man with her hand on the man's torso.

Most people have never thought about what, specifically, they get from sex, Dr. Mark said. Is it all about the physical pleasure? Fun? Emotional release or connection? Ask yourself, then try to brainstorm ways other than sex that you and your partner might fulfill at least some of those needs, she said.

Sex brings Jack, 23, and his boyfriend closer emotionally, he said, but they’re not having it as often as his boyfriend would like. Jack, who asked not to be identified by his last name out of respect for his partner’s privacy, has dealt with mental health issues that have hampered his sex drive. So he and his boyfriend have looked for other ways to foster the kind of intimacy they get from sex.

“Things as innocent as hugging or holding hands or standing next to each other and leaning on each other while we cook are important,” Jack said, “despite it not always being sexual,” he added.

Despite these moments of connection, his partner still struggles with hurt feelings, and Jack often feels like something is wrong with him. But finding ways to be intimate without being sexual has “helped combat some of the frustrations,” he said.

Be open to the different types of desire.

There are generally thought to be two types of sexual desire, Dr. Fogel Mersy said: spontaneous and responsive. Spontaneous desire comes on suddenly, much like what we see in movies or TV. Responsive desire happens in reaction to physical arousal through any of the five senses, like a pleasing touch or visual cue. It can happen quickly, or it can take some time to build up. People tend to overlook the benefits of responsive desire, Dr. Fogel Mersy said.

“Without teaching people that there are different types of sexual desire, many are left feeling broken,” said Jennifer Vencill, a psychologist and sex therapist who wrote the book “Desire” with Dr. Fogel Mersy.

The midsections of a man and a woman wearing black lying next to each other. Their hands are close but not touching.

In their book, they suggest partners consider the “willingness model,” a 0 to 10 scale, to answer the question: Am I willing to see if my sexual desire will arise or respond? A 0 means you are not willing to try to create responsive desire — and that is OK. (Consent is crucial.) But if you are at a 5, are you willing to hug or lie with your partner, and see if you feel open to more physical contact from there?

Seek outside help.

Therapists, particularly sex therapists, can be a valuable, and often underutilized, resource for couples with mismatched libidos. If the desire imbalance is causing fights or distance in your relationship, you might consider couples counseling. Ask prospective therapists whether they have dealt with your issue before, and don’t be afraid to offer feedback after a few sessions. Research shows it can make therapy more effective.

Keep in mind that sex therapists cannot treat underlying health conditions that may be affecting libido, such as pain associated with sex, low desire from certain medications or erectile dysfunction. Anyone with those concerns should see a physician.

Much of the work sex therapists do is focused on adjusting their clients’ expectations and normalizing experiences, Dr. Gordon said.

“We want them to understand,” she said, “that discrepancy in desire is extremely common, really normal, and it can be worked with.”

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A ‘failure to launch’

— Why young people are having less sex

By Hannah Fry

Vivian Rhodes figured she would eventually have sex.

She was raised in a Christian household in Washington state and thought sex before marriage would be the ultimate rebellion. But then college came and went — and no sex. Even flirting “felt unnatural,” she said.

In her early 20s, she watched someone she followed on Tumblr come out as asexual and realized that’s how she felt: She had yet to develop romantic feelings for anyone, and the physical act of sex just didn’t sound appealing.

“Some people assume this is about shaming other people, and it’s not,” said Rhodes, 28, who works as a certified nursing assistant in Los Angeles. “I’m glad people have fun with it and it works for them. But I think sex is kind of gross. It seems very messy, and it’s vulnerable in a way that I think would be very uncomfortable.”

For what researchers say is an array of reasons — including technology, heavy academic schedules and an overall slower-motion process of growing up — millennials and now Gen Zers are having less sex, with fewer partners, than their parents’ and grandparents’ generations did. The social isolation and transmission scares of the COVID-19 pandemic have no doubt played a role in the shift. But researchers say that’s not the whole story: The “no rush for sex” trend predates the pandemic, according to a solid body of research.

UCLA has been tracking behavioral trends for years through its annual California Health Interview Survey, the largest state health survey in the nation. It includes questions about sexual activity. In 2021, the survey found, the number of young Californians ages 18 to 30 who reported having no sexual partners in the prior year reached a decade high of 38%. In 2011, 22% of young people reported having no sexual partners during the prior year, and the percentage climbed fairly steadily as the decade progressed.

California adults ages 35 to 50 who participated in UCLA’s 2021 survey also registered an increase in abstinence from 2011 to 2021. But with the percentage of “no sex” respondents rising from 9% to 14% during that time frame, the increase was not as pronounced.

The broader trend of young adults forgoing sex holds true nationally.

The University of Chicago’s General Social Survey — which has been following shifts in Americans’ behavioral trends for decades — found that 3 in 10 Generation Z males, ages 18 to 25, surveyed in 2021 reported having gone without sex the prior year. One in four Gen Z women also reported having had no sex the prior year, according to Jean Twenge, a San Diego State University psychology professor who reviewed the data for her book “Generations.”

In an age where hook-ups might seem as unlimited as a right swipe on a dating app, it’s easy to assume that Gen Z “should be having the time of their lives sexually,” Twenge said.

But that’s not how it’s playing out. Twenge said the decline has been underway for roughly two decades.

She attributed the slowdown in sexual relations most significantly to what she calls the “slow-life factor.” Young people just aren’t growing up as fast as they once did. They’re delaying big milestones such as getting their driver’s licenses and going to college. And they’re living at home with their parents a lot longer.

“In times and places where people live longer and education takes longer, the whole developmental trajectory slows down,” she said. “And so for teens and young adults, one place that you’re going to notice that is in terms of dating and romantic relationships and sexuality.”

A slight majority of 18- to 30-year-olds — about 52% — reported having one sexual partner in 2021, a decrease from 2020, according to the UCLA survey. The proportion of young adults who reported having two or more sexual partners also declined, from 23% in 2011 to 10% in 2021.

Though sex was on the decline in the years leading into the pandemic, COVID-19 made dating trickier.

Many people tightened their social circles when the pandemic surged in 2020 and 2021. And young people’s reliance on cellphones and apps for their social interactions only intensified when in-person meet-ups posed a risk of serious illness.

In general, people coming of age in an era of dating apps say the notion of starting a relationship with someone they meet in person — say a chance encounter at a bar or dance club — seems like a piece of nostalgia. Even friendships are increasingly forged over texting and video chats.

“A lot of young people when you talk to them will say their best friends are people they’ve never met,” said Jessica Borelli, a professor of psychological science at UC Irvine. “Sometimes they live across the country or in other countries, and yet they have these very intimate relationships with them. … The in-person interface is not nearly as essential for the development of intimacy as it might be for older people.”

Ivanna Zuniga, 22, who recently graduated from UC Irvine with a degree in psychological sciences, said her peers have largely delayed sex and romance to focus on education and career. Zuniga, who is bisexual, has been with her partner for about four years. But their sex life is sporadic, she said, adding that they hadn’t been intimate in the month leading up to her graduation.

“I’ve been really preoccupied with my studies, and I’m always stressed because of all the things I have going on,” she said. “My libido is always shot, and I don’t really ever think about sex.”

The sexless phenomenon has made its way into pop culture. Gone are the days when meet-cutes in bars leading to one-night stands and sex at college parties were the cornerstone of coupling in films.

In “No Hard Feelings,” released this year, a 32-year-old woman is hired by “helicopter parents” to deflower their shy 19-year-old son. At a party, the woman frantically searching for her date busts open bedroom doors where she expects to find people feverishly tangled in sheets. Instead, she finds teens sitting side by side on a bed, fully clothed, scrolling their phones or playing virtual reality games. Bemused, she yells, “Doesn’t anyone f— anymore?”

While there are practical benefits to waiting to be in a physical relationship, including less risk of sexually transmitted diseases and unplanned pregnancy, Twenge argued that there are also downsides to young people eschewing sex and, more broadly, intimacy. Unhappiness and depression are at all-time highs among young adults, trend lines Twenge ties to the rise of smartphones and social media. And she noted with concern the steady decline in the birth rate.

“It creates the question of whether Social Security can survive,” Twenge said. “Will there be enough young workers to support older people in the system? Will there be enough young workers to take care of older people in nursing homes and in assisted-care facilities?”

Zuniga, who plans to pursue a doctorate in clinical psychology, can’t imagine pausing her education or career to have children, so safe sex is particularly important, she said. Others interviewed said “horror stories” involving friends who contracted herpes or other sexually transmitted infections had turned them off from casual sex.

“I prioritize my studies too much, and I can’t fathom the thought of having my identity as an academic fall secondary to being a mother,” Zuniga said. “Moving out of the income bracket that you’re born into is so hard to do, and a very secure way to do it is through education.”

For Rhodes, not having sex has taken a lot of the pressure off social interactions.

“It lets me relax,” she said. “It’s not that I don’t care about how I look or how I come off to other people. But I have a little extra help caring less about it, because I don’t have to worry about attracting specific kinds of people for specific things.”

And she pushes back against the notion that shying away from sex is some sort of societal problem that needs to be “fixed.” It might even be a sign that young people have more control of their bodies and desires, she said.

“Maybe you don’t have to have sex all the time,” Rhodes said. “Maybe if you’re doing other things in your life, and you’ve got other priorities, or you just don’t feel like it, that can be a good enough answer.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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This is why treating sex like a hobby will improve your sex life

— For most of us, understanding the basics of sex science and pleasure is the first step in improving our sex lives, says Ruth Ramsay

Ruth Ramsay suggests having great sex may be easier to achieve than you think

By Ruth Ramsay

Do you have a great sex life? If your answer is yes – congratulations! But for the majority of you reading this, it’s probably a no. Particularly if you’re in a long-term relationship, it’s normal for your sex life with your partner to not be as regular, fun or satisfying as you’d like.

This probably impacts your happiness outside of the bedroom as well as in. In a recent major study from 2022, reported in Forbes, over two thirds of participants agreed with the statement “my overall quality of life would improve if my sex life improve”. But what if there was a relatively simple way to make that happen?

For some people, change in this area is challenging, particularly those with a history of trauma or a religious upbringing where sex was demonised. But for the masses who are simply bored, badly informed and shy to admit it, easier help is at hand.

It’s unlikely to come from magazine articles with titles like Techniques Guaranteed To Blow His Mind or 10 Types Of Orgasms – Are You Missing Out? Instead, I suggest a simple mindset shift; we can use whatever our starting point and which is inclusive of age, gender, relationship structure, tastes and abilities. It’s that we approach sex as we would a favourite hobby.

I know the power of this concept from my coaching work. A couple I coached over a number of months, helping them re-establish a sex life based around pleasure after a long gruelling fertility journey, told me “sex as a hobby” had been the most transformational concept. The fact my TEDx talk sharing this idea, Revamp Your Sex Life In Six Minutes has gone viral (it has been viewed more than 700,000 times) backs this up.

What do I mean by ‘let’s approach sex like a hobby’?

Honestly, it means: let’s talk about it with those we do it with, schedule time for it in our diaries, be keen to learn about it, and open-minded about new or different techniques. Let’s check in with what we want each time, not be shy to seek medical advice if there is a problem, and most of all, prioritise the equal enjoyment of all involved.

This is a big shift from how we typically treat sex. We expect it to “just happen naturally”, with no planning or effort, and consider anything other than spontaneous sex as inferior. Most adults get their information and inspiration from a toxic mix of romanticised messages in film and TV, trends in porn, and the lingering memory of school “sex education” (fear-drenched reproductive biology which positioned only penetrative intercourse as “real sex”). We don’t understand our anatomy, and faking pleasure is preferable to talking about how to achieve it.

In what other physical activity typically involving two partners, would we expect things to “just happen”, with no decent foundational education, ongoing learning, or discussion about what we like or dislike, and with never putting it in the diary? Let alone expect it to happen regularly and be exciting and fulfilling for both parties, doing it only with each other for years on end?

Since the TEDx talk went live I’ve had emails from around the world from people telling me it has sparked their first-ever open discussions with their partners about sex. It has enabled them to approach improving their sex lives together with positivity and excitement. This is partly because this approach leads with “let’s make things better and have more fun”, rather than “let’s talk about how boring or unsatisfying things have become”. The latter can be hard to admit even to ourselves, let alone a partner, and conversations around it can be painful and full of blame.

Treating sex as a hobby gives us a starting point from wherever we find ourselves right now. But for most of us, understanding the basics of sex science and pleasure is the first fundamental step in improving our sex lives. It’s not our fault we don’t already know – it’s only in recent years that decent adult education around sex has become widely available.

There is now lots of good information out there: books, podcasts and documentaries. Put “sex’” into a reputable platform and you should get education, not porn. Taking responsibility for understanding our own bodies and what we need – not expecting a partner to “deliver” pleasure or “make” us climax – is vital.

What do you want?

The next step is being able to talk about it. So many couples tell me the only thing they never talk about in their relationships is sex. Treat this in itself with curiosity: we can start off such a discussion with: “Isn’t it weird how we can talk about everything else, but not this? Why is that?”

Then, we need to dedicate time to putting what we’ve learnt into practice. People are resistant to this suggestion but putting sexual playtime in the diary is not an admission of failure. Instead, it’s a positive, affirmative act which recognises sex as an important part of our busy lives.

By “sex” I mean all types of enjoyable, intimate, erotically charged time – including with oneself. With a partner, it doesn’t mean we are committing in advance to having penetrative intercourse. Communicate what you’re up for. If you’re too tired or stressed for sexual play, keep the date for intimate non-sexual bonding time, instead of giving up and turning on the TV. Your relationship will thank you.

If you view scheduling sexual time as the ultimate turn-off, consider this: when you were first with your partner, you planned dates days or weeks ahead; thought about what to wear and personal grooming; messaged each other to say how much you were looking forward to it; made absolutely sure you didn’t let work or other commitments creep in. Did that turn you off? No, it built up the heat (and consider that it’s also what people do when they have affairs…). It can have a similar effect now.

If we wait until we spontaneously experience desire after all of life’s other busy-ness is done, that’s when sex doesn’t happen for weeks, months, or even years. Which is such a loss. Good sex can bring us such individual and relational joy; boost our physical and mental health; provide stress relief and an outlet for creativity and adult play. Shouldn’t we devote as much attention to it as to hobbies which do the same?

Try approaching sex as a hobby, and you may soon find your answer to my opening question changes.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Delicately Tell Your Spouse the Sex Isn’t Good Anymore

By Ashley Wright

Sex is a fundamental part of a healthy, intimate relationship. It’s where people display their love and affection for each other in a physically intimate way. But what happens when the sex isn’t great? When one spouse isn’t feeling satisfied or is left underwhelmed? It can be a tough topic to bring up but good sex it’s crucial for any relationship to work. Here are some ways you can talk to your spouse about the intimacy not satisfying your needs while maintaining open and honest communication.

Figure Out What’s Missing

The first step is to identify what specifically isn’t working for you. Is it a lack of emotional connection, intimacy, or physical pleasure? By figuring out what isn’t working, you can approach the conversation with your spouse clearly and confidently.

Be Direct but Tactful

Confronting your partner about subpar sex can be uncomfortable for both parties, but it’s essential to address the issue head-on if you’re not satisfied. In order to do so tactfully, without attacking or blaming your partner, it is best to use “I” statements. In a problem-solving context, “I” statements are a non-judgmental way to frame the conversation. For example, “I don’t feel satisfied sexually” or “I would like us to be more intimate.” By using “I” statements like “I notice we aren’t connecting as well as we used to in the bedroom, and I wonder how we can make things better,” the conversation can be framed as a problem-solving exercise rather than something to be ashamed of. In this way, you avoid blame and your partner is able to understand the impact of their actions on you.

Use Positive Reinforcement

Couple laying in bed (Photo courtesy of CreateHerStock.com)

Positive reinforcement can go a long way in boosting your sexual connection with your partner. Instead of focusing on what’s not working, focus on what is. Give your partner specific examples of things they do that you enjoy and ask them to do more of that. For example, “I love when you touch me like that, and it really turns me on. Can we do more of that next time?” Positive reinforcement is a great way to build your partner’s confidence in the bedroom and motivate them to keep trying new things.

Talk About Your Needs and Desires

Another way to broach the subject of unsatisfying sex is to talk about your needs and desires. Often, couples struggle to communicate openly about what they want in bed, which can lead to disappointment and frustration. Make sure to communicate your needs clearly and listen to your partner’s needs as well. Understanding your partner’s desires and preferences can help you both achieve greater sexual satisfaction. Find out what arouses your partner and work on fulfilling that longing desire.

Offer Solutions

If you’re in a sexual rut, trying new things together can be a great way to reignite the flame. Come up with suggestions to add spice to your sex life. Share your fantasies with each other, and brainstorm ways to make them a reality. Whether it’s exploring new positions or experimenting with toys, introducing new elements into your sex life can be a fun, exciting way to deepen your connection with your partner. Ask your partner to suggest new ways you can both enjoy sex more. If you can’t get to a solution, consider seeing a sex therapist for guidance.

Seek Professional Help if Necessary

If you’ve tried everything and still can’t seem to get your sexual connection back on track, seeking professional help could be an option worth considering. A sex therapist can provide unbiased, expert advice on how to improve your sex life and help you and your partner overcome any obstacles that may be hindering your connection. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help — sometimes, a fresh, professional perspective is all you need to get your sexual relationship back on track.

Intimacy is an essential part of a relationship, and if it’s not adequately addressed, it can affect the bond between partners. Talking to your spouse may be daunting, but it’s essential to approach it with love and respect while highlighting your needs and concerns. Be prepared to listen and offer solutions that work for both of you. Remember that it’s a journey towards better intimacy and emotional bonding. And if the conversation doesn’t go as planned, it’s perfectly okay to ask for guidance from a therapist. The most crucial thing after the conversation is to keep the lines of communication open. Don’t let the conversation be a one-time event, but rather a starting point for a regular conversation and improvement of your intimacy.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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9 Sex Positions That Will Take Your Tried-&-True Missionary To The Next Level

By Sophie Saint Thomas<

“Missionary position” is a bit of an unfortunate phrase, no? Many missionaries do fine charitable work, but thinking about them isn’t exactly titillating. That’s a shame, because missionary position can actually be amazingly sexy: In missionary position, bodies are close. There’s a lot of sweat. Breath mingles. It’s a perfect position for intimate lovemaking with strong eye contact; it’s also a perfect position for lifting your legs up, going as hard and as deep as possible, and experiencing pleasure in parts of your body you didn’t know existed.

It’s also certainly not just for penis-in-vagina straight sex. Maybe we should rebrand “missionary position” as being about going on a mission to get creative, messy, and come your face off — all while experiencing a closeness with your partner not available in other sex positions. As part of this rebrand, we’ve gathered twists on traditional missionary position that will prove just how hot and varied missionary sex can be.

Standing Missionary

Missionary isn’t just a position for the bed. Switch it up by doing missionary against a wall in any room of your home (this position is great for those times when you’re just too turned on to make it to the bedroom). Have the receiving partner lift their leg for better access to their vagina, while the giving partner holds on to the leg for support.

Spread Missionary

If you saw Fifty Shades Darker or are familiar with BDSM, you may have heard of spreader bars. They usually come with cuffs on either side that are clasped around the submissive partner’s ankles. And they’re the perfect toy to spice up missionary position.

To get into spread missionary, have the dominant partner (the one on top providing penetration) clasp the receiving partner’s ankles in the spreader bar. Then, the dominant partner can lift the submissive’s legs over their head for a kinky twist on a classic position.

Bound Missionary

Bound missionary infuses BDSM into this classic sex position. All you have to do is tie up the arms of the receiving partner over their head. You can use a pair of sex handcuffs or go DIY with rope or tape — whatever turns on you and your partner.

Assisted Missionary

To change the angle of penetration during missionary sex, try placing a pillow under your partner’s bum. You don’t need to buy a pillow made specially for sex; just grab one lying around your bed. By plopping the cushion under the receiving partner, their pelvis lifts, thus allowing for increased G-spot or P-spot (for those with prostates having anal sex) stimulation.

Pretzel Missionary

In the pretzel version of missionary position, the receiving partner simply lifts their legs and wraps them like a salty snack around the partner providing penetration. It’s a variation both parties will love: By wrapping their legs around, the receiving partner can pull their lover further inside, controlling the depth of penetration, gripping tight if they feel something they like. For the partner providing penetration, not only are they aided in thrusting, which can be heavy cardio, but they’re able to feel the warmth of being entangled in legs.

Impaled Missionary

“Impaled” is a bit of a violent term, but that’s what the Kama Sutra calls this variation, officially “shulachitaka.” The receiving partner lifts one leg up, which, like a lever on a La-Z-Boy, allows the couple to play with various angles. A leg over the shoulder is always hot, and by lifting one leg up, if the receiving partner has a vagina, this position also creates more space for the person on top to rub their clit.

Rockette Missionary

Rockette missionary sex takes impalement to the next level (and forces the person lying down to do a little cardio). Just like with impaled missionary, the receiving partner lifts one leg up along their partner’s body, but in this version you take turns, switching legs up and down like a Rockette dancer. This position is known in the Kama Sutra as “the broken flute (venudaritaka).”

Strap-On Missionary

Strap-on missionary sex can be done by all genders and orientations, not just by two people with vaginas (although that’s awesome too). It’s a wonderful way for a person with a vagina to see what it feels like being on top of their partner with a penis, by slowly inserting a (well-lubricated, please) dildo into their partner’s vagina or butt. When using a strap-on, take the time to research and find the right one for you, and always clean afterward with warm water and antibacterial soap. Just like with penises, use a condom if using on multiple partners.

Anal Missionary

There is definitely nothing boring about having missionary sex in your butt. Compared to the doggy-style version of sex typically associated with anal, missionary anal sex can take a bit more maneuvring, but it’s well worth it (to help get the angle right, it might be helpful to place a pillow under the receiver). The intimate eye contact involved in missionary takes a sex act like anal, often associated with roughness, and proves it can also be soft and sweet. Regardless of whether you’re using a dildo or penis in anal missionary, as the anus isn’t self-lubricating, make sure to always use proper lubrication. Pro tip: If you’re doing anal missionary with someone who has a vagina, never switch from butt to vagina without a proper washing. That’s how yeast and urinary tract infections are made!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What’s Happened to the Male Orgasm?

By Annie Lord

I was in the park with a friend of mine who was telling me about the sex she’d had at a festival the weekend before. “He came as well, actually,” she added at the end of the story.

“Oh, nice,” I said, and then I laughed because I couldn’t remember when it became a thing to comment on men coming. But then, maybe men finishing is less of a given than it used to be. At least, it seems to be.

“I’ve seen the greatest cocks of our generation destroyed by SSRIs,” read one tweet that was being screengrabbed by a lot of my friends. If you don’t get the joke—and, please, it’s very much a joke—SSRIs are selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (such as Prozac, Lexapro, and Zoloft), which can help with feelings of anxiety and depression, one side effect being that they can reduce people’s libido and ability to orgasm. Of course, it’s good that men are taking measures to look after their mental health, and often when people are on SSRIs, they can work around the side effects to still climax. Maybe alcohol is to blame. After all, being drunk—which people tend to be when they’re having casual sex—doesn’t help. Nor does the emphasis we place on performance, something we’re more guilty of than we think.

My friend and I chatted for a while about all this, about men not coming as much as they used to, and why that might be. Or we did, until I pointed out that we were being hypocritical. Both of us have complained in the past about how men are really set on making you come. You can tell it’s mainly to prop up their own ego rather than for your pleasure, and it makes you feel pressured and guilty when you can’t. We’ve pointed out to men we’ve had sex with that we don’t have sex to orgasm, but for other things: pleasure, yes, but pleasure in a more general sense; the kind of smudgy oblivion where you forget yourself. And yet there we were, doing the very thing we hated: focusing solely on orgasm.

“Although someone needs to come, so there’s a natural end to sex,” my friend said. “Otherwise it will keep on going forever.”’

“I vote it should be them,” I replied.

“Yeah, sorry, they can’t spend decades centering the male orgasm as the end of sex and then say it’s no longer the end of sex.”

“It’s too late for me,” I said. “My entire sexuality is built around what men want.”

Of course, I wasn’t being serious, but it made me think. What do I want? A while ago I was sleeping with this guy, and I remember him asking the second or third time we slept together, “What do you want?”

I was on top, looking at him, and I remember wanting to hide. Trying to think of an answer to his question was like trying to describe a color I’d never seen before. I was tongue-tied. So I said, “What do you want?” bouncing the question back to him, and then he repeated it back to me a second time so that it felt as though we were playing that stupid game the Chuckle Brothers used to do where they went, “To me, to you,” again and again and again.

On my phone, there’s a screenshot of a quote from the beginning of Want Me by Tracy Clark-Flory. It’s from director Miranda July, and I saved it in my favorites folder because it resonated so much. It reads: “I’m always interested to hear how a woman conceives of herself as a sexual person, because there is really no map for this. Only a series of contradictory and shaming warnings. So whatever any of us comes up with is going to be wholly unique and perhaps a little monstrous—like a creature that has survived multiple attacks yet still walks, still desires.”

And what is left surviving at the end—for me, for the women I know? When we imagine sex, we’re rarely ever ourselves but someone else entirely, because it would be too shameful to be us. Most of us have some sort of praise kink—where you get off on someone telling you you’re good at stuff—presumably because the focus is on someone else’s pleasure. We’re so objectified that we like to become inanimate objects, or think about being watched, followed. Our sexuality slips in between gaps, slides into the spaces in between, clings on.

I don’t know how to describe what I want to another person, to guide them toward it. It’s not a fixed thing: it bends and warps with each person, it shape-shifts. What feels good with someone might feel different with another. Our moods change. Desire emerges in context with someone else. Even if shame didn’t play a part, I’m still not sure I’d be able to answer the question.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What to expect when you’re expecting

— How will your sex life change during pregnancy and postpartum?

The perinatal period can be hectic. It’s understandable that sex may be on the back burner for a little while.

By &

Welcoming a new baby is often a joyous experience for couples. While many couples take time to prepare for the arrival of their bundle of joy, fewer take time to prepare for challenges that can emerge in their sexual and romantic relationships during this period.

At The University of British Columbia’s Sexuality and Well-Being Lab (SWell), we conduct research to understand the factors that lead some couples to thrive during pregnancy and the postpartum while others struggle. We then use this research to develop resources to help couples navigate these changes together.

What to expect

Sexual challenges during pregnancy and the postpartum are common. Up to 88 per cent of people who give birth and 45 per cent of their partners experience problems with their sex life during this time.

With shifting roles and responsibilities, the perinatal period (pregnancy and up to one year postpartum) can be hectic. It’s understandable that sex may be on the back burner for a little while.

Studies conducted by our team and our collaborators at Dalhousie University have shown that many expectant and new parents desire sex less often and/or at different times than their partner.

Many couples report having distressing concerns about their sex life, such as body image or whether having sex during pregnancy will hurt the baby — FYI, it won’t. Approximately one in five people who gave birth report moderate pain during sex that either starts in pregnancy or after the baby is born.

Sexual problems usually get worse throughout pregnancy until three months postpartum, when they generally start improving.

A pregnant woman lying on her back and a smiling man lying beside her with his hand on her belly
Expectant and new parent couples often don’t know what to expect when it comes to their sex lives.

If this seems daunting, you’ll be encouraged to hear that despite sexual challenges being common, 64 per cent of couples say that they are still sexually satisfied during this time.

This is great news because having a strong sexual connection with your partner is important for your mental and physical health, and contributes to the longevity of your relationship.

The information gap

Expectant and new parent couples often don’t know what to expect when it comes to their sex lives. In a recent study sampling 204 couples across Canada and the United States, we found that up to 78 per cent of expectant and new parents received little to no information about changes to their sexuality. This is despite most individuals wanting to receive sex-related information!

Given that sexual problems are common and not inconsequential to the health of the romantic relationship, this lack of information for couples about what to expect regarding their perinatal sexuality is a problem.

On top of this information gap, the content of information that couples receive doesn’t match what they want to receive.

In our study, we found that expectant and new parents most often received information about things like safety of sexual activity in pregnancy, contraception, when to resume sex in the postpartum and information only relevant to the partner who gave birth.

What’s missing is reassurance that changes to sexuality are common and advice on how to manage changes. Information about the sexuality of the partner who didn’t give birth is also lacking, even though both members of the couple are affected. Expectant and new parents want a variety of information to help them be better prepared.

Research has also revealed that psychological factors such as postpartum depression, social factors such as divisions of labour and relationship factors such as coping together as a couple are important for couples’ sexual relationships in pregnancy and the postpartum.

Perhaps surprisingly, biological factors — such as whether the delivery was vaginal or caesarean, and the degree of tearing — are not strong predictors of sexual problems during this time.

Translating knowledge into practice

Health-care professionals feel they have a lack of knowledge and training to talk about sexual health with expectant and new parents, and worry that doing so would make them and/or their patients feel uncomfortable. However, our research showed that most couples would welcome these conversations.

Health-care professionals need training on how to initiate conversations about perinatal sexual health with expectant and new parents, but they also need to know the latest research in this area.

Researchers at Dalhousie University recently produced a series of short informational videos that summarize recent research on sex after having a baby. The goal of #PostBabyHankyPanky is to normalize changes to postpartum sexuality, encourage conversations about sex between partners and help health-care professionals feel more prepared to have these discussions with their patients.

If you’re a new or expectant parent and you’ve been noticing changes in your relationship, here’s some good news: Our research shows that when couples receive more information about what to expect regarding changes to their sex lives in pregnancy or the postpartum (like what you’ve read here) they report greater desire, engage in sex more often, feel more sexually satisfied and feel less worried about their sex lives.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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This is what it’s really like to have sex in your seventies

— As research shows that more people are sexing their way through their seventies than ever before, WH unpicks why the thought of the older generation getting their kicks makes people so uncomfortable

By Paisley Gilmour

As Richard* reaches for the massage oil, Belle assumes her position facedown on the bed. Spreading the warm liquid across her shoulders, his hands slowly creep down her body – taking extra care over her aching lower back.

Unable to resist any longer, she gently turns onto her front, spreads her legs and allows him to pleasure her until an orgasm ripples through her body.

‘When Richard has taken Viagra, I know he’ll be able to go for hours. So, once I come back down to earth, I reach for the lube and climb on top. My hips may not move as smoothly as they used to, but that doesn’t stop us climaxing.’

This is the sixth time 70-year-old Belle* and Richard, 85, who she met on a dating site 18 months ago, have had sex this week. And they’re far from alone: research has been telling us – for years, actually – that seniors are sexing their way through their seventies – and beyond.

A leading 2015 study funded by Age UK and carried out by researchers at The University of Manchester found that 54% of men and 31% of women over the age of 70 were still “sexually active”. A third were having sex at least twice a month. One 2018 survey by the University of Michigan also found that 40% of people between 65 and 80 reported being sexually active, with more than half of those who have a partner saying they still get down to it, while a further Swedish study in 2021 revealed that 10% of those over 90 were even having sex.

A Swedish study revealed that 10% of those over 90 were still having sex.

Clearly, the data shows that older people aren’t just having sex, but also (whisper it) enjoying it – but then, why shouldn’t they? Beyond the fact we’re living longer and lots of older adults have better access to sex-life saving healthcare and medication, many seniors looking for love or sex after divorce or the death of a spouse, have (contrary to the technophobe stereotype) also embraced the internet.

One 2021 US survey found more than a third of respondents over 55 had dated within the last five years, with 13% using dating apps or websites, and 7% turning to social media to meet someone. Psychosexual therapist Lohani Noor says the sex positivity and sexual wellness movement over the past decade has played an empowering part, and has noticed an increase in older people coming to therapy to explore their sexuality.

‘Many are finding the courage, after a lifetime of being repressed, to bring to life their buried authentic sexual selves,’ she says. ‘The joy of sexual liberation that our society affords is available to all and older people are grasping it with both hands before time literally runs out.’

Many younger people hold strong, often negative, reactions to the thought of senior sex

Yet even with this positive shift amongst older generations, many younger ones have long held strong, often negative, reactions to the thought of older people having sex. ‘Can we please draw the line at friction fires caused by unkempt, geriatric pubes rubbing together vigorously on polyester couches?’ said one viral Vice article titled “Old People Having Sex Is Gross” back in 2012.

Ten years later, the idea still leads to recoiling as shown in May this year when ABC announced a seniors-focused spinoff of the hit series The Bachelor, called The Golden Bachelor, where ‘one hopeless romantic is given a second chance at love in the search for a partner with whom to share the sunset years of life’. Fans of the OG show were quick to share their mocking reactions on Instagram, with comments ranging from ‘No. No. No.’ to, ‘Does this mean old folks? You guys…be for real’.

So why is it that eight years after Age UK’s landmark study, which lead researcher Dr. David Lee hoped would ‘counter stereotypes and misconceptions about late-life sexuality’ are people still weirded out by the thought of older people having good sex?

Exploring the senior sex taboo

Noor argues there’s an outright refusal that older folks are sexual beings, despite the research proving otherwise. ‘We’re discussing it more, but many feel uncomfortable about senior sex because we de-sexualise adults as they age,’ she says. ‘Referring to them in a sexual way becomes strangely repulsive.’

Joan Price, author of the Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex agrees it’s down to The Ick Factor. ‘Like, ‘Eww, old people having sex? That’s disgusting. No, don’t tell me la la la,’’ she says. After losing her husband at 57, Price is now 79 and enjoying her sex life. She believes the taboo is rooted in society’s wider fear of getting older and our mortality.

‘People have been taught growing up, and through the media, that they will only be sexually desirable if they use certain products, dress a certain way, and act a certain way [at a certain age]. That’s harmful.’

67% of over 65s feel sex and intimacy for their age group is rarely or never represented in media

Indeed, a study by Relate found that 67% of over 65s feel sex and intimacy for their age group is rarely or never represented in media. ‘When I went looking for books [about senior sex] it was doom and gloom,’ says Price, adding it felt like the world was saying ‘‘just give it up and crochet or play with grandchildren”. But sexual pleasure has no expiration date!’

Alyson*, 68, who’s been married for 36 years and has sex with her husband, Omar*, 67, twice a week, empathises with younger peoples’ anxieties about getting older. ‘There are many preconceptions: the doddery grandma is patronised and laughed at; her opinions are old fashioned – I think it’s all linked to a loss of respect for older people, like they’re not important, not visible or a nuisance,’ she says. ‘But I absolutely understand [the reaction] as young people don’t want to think about themselves as getting there too.’

“Young people imagine deteriorated bodies and think the whole thing would ‘look’ horrible”

Entrenched beauty standards have also bolstered the perception. ‘Young people imagine deteriorated bodies and think the whole thing would ‘look’ horrible,’ adds Belle. ‘Like two fat lumps of wrinkled flesh in the bed together. I think people think [sex] is meant to be a thing for young women and men. I don’t think my sons want to encounter being told anything about my sex life – and I don’t discuss it with them – but young people should know it can still be a huge amount of fun.’ And, importantly, with health benefits, too.

The joy of senior sex

Two years after his research was published, Lee teamed up with Professor Josie Tetley from Manchester Metropolitan University and after analysing findings from the English Longitudinal Study of Ageing, they discovered a clear link between positive sexual health and intimacy later in life, and better subjective well-being. A separate study published in the Journal Sexual Medicine in 2019 echoed these findings: participants with an average age of 65, who had reported any kind of sexual activity within the last 12 months, were found to have better wellbeing and a higher enjoyment of life.

‘When we experience pleasure and orgasm, the body releases endorphins that can strengthen our immune system, bring pain relief to chronic conditions, and improve our cognitive functioning,’ explains Noor. ‘These are particularly important in our senior years.’

“The health benefits generated from orgasm release are particularly important in our older years”

Miranda Christophers, a psychosexual therapist for online menopause platform Issviva, agrees that, for older people, ‘the benefits of sex may feel more important’ as our bodies age and we experience changes such as increased blood pressure. ‘Studies suggest blood pressure is lowered by physical contact, and being physically close with a romantic partner reduces C-reactive protein (CRP) which relates to inflammation,’ she says.

That said, the rise of senior sex has also brought a rise in STIs such as chlamydia, gonorrhoea and syphilis, with rates among the over 60s and 70s almost doubling in the last decade. Bianca Dunne, a nurse and co-founder of sexual health app iPlaySafe says the amount of people filing for divorce in their 50s and the rise of dating apps targeting the over 50s are contributing factors. ‘The exclusion of the over 50s [in government sexual health campaigns] has also resulted in a lack of education among this age group,’ she says.

Belle, who has always taken an STI test before and after a new partner, has dated a number of older men and seen this lack of senior sex education first-hand. ‘Our generation are meeting people on dating websites regularly and having unprotected sex,’ she says. ‘There’s no fear of pregnancy. Ask a 70-year-old man to put on a condom, I think they’d laugh at you. Our generation doesn’t think about protecting their sexual health.’

Creaks between the sheets

While senior sex can come with healthy benefits – minus the STIs – there’s no denying it’s different. But this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. A survey by sexual wellness brand LELO UK found nearly a third of people over 50 were having the best sex of their lives, 42% were more adventurous, and 16% even said their sex drive has increased.

‘It’s enjoyable in a different way – it doesn’t have the Olympic feats that it used to have; it’s a more quiet and gentle sex,’ says Belle, adding that being put on ‘some wonderful HRT’ during menopause was a game-changer ‘in terms of lubrication and being seriously up for it.’

Research found that nearly a third of people over 50 were having the best sex of their lives

Today, certain positions – missionary and woman-on-top – work better with her unstable knees, back and shoulder pain, which some days can leave her struggling to get out of bed, but the couple vowed to face any age-related problems head on.

Anything that’s failed, we laughed about and tried again. Richard has had trouble with erections since having prostate surgery but we discussed it and he went to see his GP who prescribed Viagra. It worked like magic and boosted his confidence.’

Alyson and Omar have also overcome sexual struggles including, after years of not having sex, Alyson’s one-off fling with a younger man. ‘It came at a time when I felt completely undesirable and it was brief but enough to rekindle feelings about my own desire,’ she says, adding that while she didn’t tell Omar, it led to them rebooting their sexual relationship.

Alyson’s one-off fling with a younger man rebooted her sexual relationship with her husband

Recently, however, Omar has struggled to maintain an erection and refuses to go to his GP. ‘It’s becoming more difficult [to have sex]. I miss the penetration.’ He’s also revealed some new desires, which Alyson isn’t as keen on. ‘He’s asked me to try pegging him. He has a strap-on, which I think he hoped I would use on him, but I won’t – that’s one of my boundaries.’

Since his erectile dysfunction, Omar has also begun collecting gadgets that might help, including butt plugs and cock rings, but they’re ‘an interruption,’ says Alyson, ‘and that can be problematic as I can fall asleep in the 10 minutes it takes to get them out.’

Despite these issues, Alyson loves having an active sex life again. ‘I enjoy orgasms and masturbating together,’ she says, recalling her favourite recent steamy moment. ‘We were on the beach, in a very isolated place, and had a lot of sex on the rocks with Omar managing to maintain his erection. That was good. I quite like outdoor sex!’

Reframing senior sex

And that’s the thing: as humans, we’re designed for sexual pleasure and, as Noor says, denying our sexual nature can hurt us in profound ways. But she also believes a larger cultural reframing towards senior sex will happen, albeit slowly, with people living and loving longer than ever. ‘As society evolves and we learn that we are sexual sensual beings who thrive off physical closeness, we will allow ourselves more permissions to seek closeness, whatever that looks like,’ she says.

Price is already on a mission to encourage this. ‘Sexual pleasure is lifelong. Is it the same as younger age sex? No. It is very different and continues to change and challenge us. But just because we’re challenged doesn’t mean we’re defeated. As long as we educate ourselves and are open minded, sexuality is ageless.’

“As long as we educate ourselves and are open minded, sexuality is ageless”

Lesley Carter, a registered nurse and clinical lead at Age UK agrees that a mindset shift is needed for attitudes to catch up with our increasing life span. ‘It’s about understanding that ageing brings life transitions that can create opportunities for older adults to redefine what sexuality and intimacy mean to them,’ she says.

As Belle, Alyson and research proves, a great sex life in your senior years doesn’t merely exist — it can thrive. ‘Younger people need to know there can be a continuation of a fulfilling sex life,’ says Belle. ‘It’s about your state of mind. It’s like a plant, if you don’t water it, it’ll die. If you keep the spark between you, you can overcome the difficulties that come with age.’ Yes, these horny seniors have a whole lot of experience and a whole lot of untapped wisdom. Let’s stop ignoring them, and start learning from them.

*Names have been changed

Pleasure in your senior years

Advice for now – or the future – according to our experts

1. Do your communication work

‘Share your concerns, challenges and feelings,’ says Carter. ‘This might be explaining: ‘My knees hurt when we use that position, and I lose concentration’ or ‘I’m anxious about having sex because I’m self-conscious about what you think about my ageing body’. Discussing these difficulties could lead to solutions, like agreeing to try new things, or doing things differently.

2. Don’t ignore the pain

‘If you’re experiencing a new pain connected to having sex, it’s sensible [at any age] to discuss that with a healthcare professional,’ Carter says. ‘As we age, our bones, muscles and tendons get stiff and sore, so you can expect some discomfort – that’s normal. But any unfamiliar pain that worries you needs to be monitored and discussed with an expert.’

3. Do reach for the (silicone-based) lube

Vaginal dryness is common with the menopause due to a drop in oestrogen but if untreated, it can lead to irritation and painful sex in your senior years, too. ‘Using a silicone-based lube, like Durex’s silicone based lube or Boots’ own-brand silicone lube,’ advises Dunne. ‘Silicone lubes have a smooth, silky texture, so there’s no need to constantly re-apply, plus they are hypoallergenic which makes them compatible with condoms and sex toys.’

4. Don’t throw away the condoms

‘Even if you’ve experienced menopause, this doesn’t make you immune from STIs,’ says Dunne. So, yes, use a condom. ‘Make sure it doesn’t contain an ingredient that is a known irritant to you or your partner such as latex or fragrance, as this will exacerbate vaginal pain,’ adds Dunne, who recommends Durex’s Naturals Condoms and Smile Makers’ Come Connected Condomswhich are vegan.

5. Do lean on the support

‘It’s helpful if we can identify our own sexual difficulties, and do some research — there is so much information available,’ says Carter. ‘But sexual health centres can offer advice too, like discussing if a medication to treat a sexual problem may impact any other medications you’re taking.’ Age UK, National Council on Ageing, The Pelvic Hub’s Guide to Senior Sex are helpful resources, or check out Joan Price’s blog.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How a bad night’s sleep affects your sex life

— Another reason to go to bed

By Penelope Clifton

Turns out a poor night’s sleep can not only be detrimental to your mood and energy levels but also to your libido.

We might need to rethink the term ‘beauty sleep’ because missing out on the recommended eight hours is hard on more than just your looks.

According to the 2023 ResMed Global Sleep Survey, one in five Australians says their sex life is lacking, the highest of any participating country.

Sex has so many benefits; it can lower your blood pressure, boost your immune system, and even act as pain relief. It’s also great for self-esteem and can help promote a better night’s sleep. The problem is, not many of us are that keen when we’re sleep deprived.

The survey found millennials are most affected, with one in four from that age bracket vocalising a link between their sleep quality and decreased sex drive.

Just 8.7 per cent of Australians said they woke up feeling happy or energetic in the AM, so that’s not many of us adults getting hot and heavy under the covers.

“Embracing our sexuality and focusing on intimacy, especially in these cold months, is a beacon of warmth and connection,” sexologist Chantelle Otten says.

“It’s an overlooked fact that our sleep quality and libido are intricately linked. A poor night’s sleep doesn’t just leave you feeling drained and foggy; it can also dampen your desire.”

Embracing our sexuality and intimacy can lead to sex, which in turn can result in a good night’s sleep. The following day you’re more likely to be well-rested, leading to an increase in libido – and the cycle can continue.

This is undoubtedly a tough ask for new parents, those dealing with mental health issues or those of us who are simply overworked, however, it doesn’t have to involve the full month. A cuddle can also do the trick.

According to Christine Rafe, a sex and relationship therapist and director at the Good Vibes Clinic, it’s important for people to be aware of the correlation between sex and sleep.

“Partner intimacy whether sexual or non-sexual is a form of co-regulation, and even hugging and soft slow touch with a partner can activate a relaxed or regulated state which is essential for falling and staying asleep.”

She suggests creating space for physical connection with your partner in the lead-up to bedtime and then trying to carry it through to the bedroom to really reap the benefits of co-regulation.

“The hormones released during sexual pleasure and orgasm combat stress and help to regulate our nervous system, meaning orgasms can support falling asleep as well as the quality of our sleep,” she says, supporting Otten’s advice.

An added bonus is it will bring you and your partner closer as a couple.

“Decreased libido or discrepancies in libido can be distressing for both people within the partnership and can have relational, emotional and psychological impacts,” Rafe says.

One thing Australians do well is supporting their partner, says ResMed sleep physiologist Tim Stephensen. He claims we’re pretty encouraging of our partners to seek help regarding poor sleep and vice versa.

“One of the primary reasons Australians seek support for their sleep is due to their partner’s encouragement once their sleep becomes impacted, such as through loud snoring,” he explains.

“The relationships people take into the bedroom are highly influential on sleep health. A good night’s sleep is vital for a person’s sexual, physical and mental health.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to boost your libido if you’re taking antidepressants

— Trust us, it’s not gone forever

BY Holly Berckelman

If you take antidepressants and have found your libido’s dropped off a cliff, fear not, there are GP-approved steps you can take to bring it back.

There’s a lot of stigma around antidepressants

Due to the formerly hush-hush nature of mental illness and misconceptions spread in pop culture (hi, Stepford Wives), there’s a huge amount of misinformation that’s still present in the social conscience.

In reality, for people struggling with mental illness, particularly anxiety and depression, antidepressants medication can be life-changing. They can assist with levelling out severe peaks and troughs and bring an overwhelming sense of relief to the person taking the meds, in turn giving them the chance to work on their mental health in other ways.

Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are one of the most common forms of antidepressants and work by slowing the rate at which the central nervous symptom reuptakes the natural serotonin produced by the body. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter attributed to happiness.

However, as with all medications, there can be side effects, one being a loss of libido.

According to Cindy Meston, a clinical psychologist and sexual psychophysiology researcher in the United States, it’s the unwanted effect women report most often.

“They don’t feel like having sex, or when they have sex, they’re just not into it,” Meston tells Goop. “And many also report an inability to attain orgasm.”

A study published in The Mental Health Clinician (MHC), a peer-reviewed, bimonthly, clinical practice journal, hypothesised that the side effects of SSRIs are attributed to the increase of serotonin in other areas of the body, and may affect “other hormones and neurotransmitters, such as testosterone and dopamine.”

“This may lead to side effects of sexual dysfunction, as testosterone may affect sexual arousal and dopamine plays a role in achieving orgasm.”

Other research shows that SSRIs “impact many key neurotransmitters (like serotonin, dopamine, histamine, and acetylcholine) and decrease the activation of the sympathetic nervous system, which alters a woman’s libido.”

Aside from the scientific specifics, an unexpected loss of libido can be difficult for couples and individuals to manage.

General Practitioner (GP) Dr Sam Saling says “For those partnered up, it can cause relationship difficulties, which has a whole heap of consequences especially if there is a mismatch between each person’s sexual drive.”

Meanwhile for people who are single, “Lowered libido can still have a great effect on self-esteem, one’s interpersonal relationship endeavours, and one’s social life.”

“For both men and women, lowered libido can have absolutely no physical and mental effects, or alternatively, a huge effect, depending on the person.”

Fortunately, there are a number of ways you can work to boost your libido if it’s dropped off a cliff since you started taking antidepressants. We asked Dr Saling for her tips on getting to the bottom of a low libido, and the best ways to boost it back up.

First, look for other causes

Dr Saling says before you look to blame the antidepressants, it’s important to look for the true cause of the feeling.

“Low libido in itself is often a symptom of an untreated mood disorder,” she tells Body+Soul. “So, often the low libido that follows the commencement of an antidepressant is actually a sign of a pre-existing illness, not a side effect of the medication.”

If you’re experiencing low libido in the first half-year after commencing medication, this is particularly true, as “It can take six months or more to start seeing the full effect of an antidepressant.”

Another common side effect of antidepressants is increased sleepiness in the short term, which Dr Saling says “can definitely lower libido just due to someone’s increased desire to sleep over other activities in bed.”

Once short-term symptoms have alleviated, and the antidepressant is working in terms of abating mood symptoms, libido may also increase.

However, if after several months libido has lessened significantly, then it could be related to the antidepressants itself (rather than mood or the desire to sleep), as “low libido is a known side effect of many of these medications,” says Dr Saling.

Then, speak to your GP

If you’re suffering from a low libido, the first port of call is your GP.

“Your GP will take a detailed history and this will indicate to us what is the likely cause,” says Dr Saling. “New mood disorder medications, or an increased dose, is a clear cause.”

If it is related to the antidepressants, “Often all it requires is a dose tweaking or a different medication type,” says Dr Saling, “Sometimes, we recommend psychological counselling and lifestyle interventions.”

There are many causes of low libido including, Dr Saling tells Body+Soul, including “vascular issues, hormonal changes, and many more contributing medical conditions. Social circumstances, financial pressures, relationship difficulties and work stress” can also contribute.

If you’re suffering with low libido, your GP is the very best person you can speak to to figure it out, regardless of the cause.

How to boost libido if your antidepressants is the cause

#1. Exercise right before sex

According to Meston’s research, having sex within 30 minutes of a moderate workout significantly increased sexual desire in women taking antidepressants. ]

“We know that exercise has a lot of chronic benefits for health and sexuality—you have more energy, better sleep, enhanced body image, decreased stress,” Meston told Goop. “But in this case, we found that, in addition, acute exercise or a single act of exercise is hugely beneficial for sexual desire.”

This may be due to activating the sympathetic nervous system, which is needed to get turned on enough to reach orgasm.

Dr Saling is also an advocate for regular exercise: “I would recommend starting with a regular exercise routine incorporating both aerobic and resistance training,” she says. “This is recommended to boost mood as well as energy levels overall.

#2. Sync sex to your medication schedule

According to Meston’s research, syncing sex with when you take your medication could also help – as if you have sex right before you take your next dose, the levels from the previous dose will be at their lowest.

There is no evidence to support this practice, but Meston tells Goop that “when levels of antidepressants are very low, their sexual side effects are likely to be low, too.”

#3. Try scheduling sex

While scheduling sex may seem daggy, it can be a great way to increase intimacy in couples, which can often be a crucial step in increasing arousal.

Setting aside time where sex does not come into the picture, along with time where sex is pre-planned can help couples bond without either party misconstruing an attempt for sex, and build anticipation for the times when sex is on the agenda.

#4. Eat a healthy diet

Taking care of your body through a nutritious diet gives you the best opportunity to let it get on with its natural processes – libido included.

“A healthy diet is essential to ensure adequate nutrition to feel one’s best,” instructs Dr Saling.

#5. Introduce sex toys

Of course, if libido has dropped to the point where you or your partner is not interested in sex at all, then that must be respected. However, if you are still keen to include sex in your relationship until low libido is resolved, you may need more stimulation to become aroused and reach orgasm.

Vibrators are a surefire way to turn things up a notch if you are experiencing decreased sensitivity, and will assist with driving blood flow into the genitals.

Dr Saling also suggests implementing regular reviews with your doctor to effectively manage the change. “Not only can we review your response to medication and make adjustments if needed, but we can also recommend non-medical interventions,” she says.

“Once we work out the cause of low libido, we can tailor the treatment plan.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Best sex advice of 2023

— So far

From lasting longer in bed to our top orgasm tip.

BY Anna Iovine 

In a time where sex education isn’t mandated in many parts of the country (and the world), it’s no surprise that we don’t know where to turn for sex advice. Sex educators are often pushed off social media platforms, letting online misinformation fester.

Thankfully, here at Mashable, we pride ourselves in providing evidence-based, inclusive advice that you won’t get in school — or by watching porn, for that matter.

Here are 6 pieces of the best sex advice of 2023 (so far).

Set your boundaries

Whether you’re with a new or longtime partner, setting sexual boundaries is a must. That doesn’t mean it’s easy, though; communicating about sex can be difficult when we’re not used to it. You don’t have to rush into it, though. In fact, the first step is to figure out what your boundaries are, and only you alone can do that.

Once you know what you do and don’t want in bed, set the scene for the sensitive conversation. Set a time and private place for it. Then, use “I” statements, like “I don’t like to be touched there.” Check out our guide to setting sexual boundaries for more in-depth tips.

Why can I orgasm from masturbation, but not sex?

If you can cum on your own but not with your partner, you’re not alone. As experts told us, it’s understandable to orgasm freely by yourself; you’re not thinking about your performance, how you look, or focusing on your partner’s pleasure instead of your own. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible to orgasm in partnered sex, though! Some tips are to try mutual masturbation, incorporate sex toys, and focus on exploring your own body.

Top orgasm tip

If the above tips aren’t working, maybe consider the most important ingredient to achieve orgasm: emotional safety. As sex and relationship therapist Lena Elkhatib said, “Having an orgasm requires us to be able to [be] present with the sensation of pleasure in our body and relaxed enough to allow ourselves the release at climax.” This can’t happen if we feel unsafe, which can be caused by a variety of issues, from trauma to a judgmental partner. Our brains are the biggest sex organ, so whatever’s going on “up here” will impact “down there.”

How can I last longer in bed?

Our society is obsessed with lasting longer in bed — when the reality is the average time between getting an erection and orgasming is 5-7 minutes. Still, there are expert-approved ways to take your time, including edging, and taking penetration out of the equation entirely. But remember that lasting longer doesn’t necessarily mean your partner wants to be penetrated the entire time! There are other ways both partners can pleasure each other, penetration or not.

I want to try kink…

Want to dive into Dom/sub dynamics but don’t know where to start? Look no further than our guide, which goes over the basics of what Dom/sub dynamics actually are, different ways it could play out, how to establish boundaries, and the importance of aftercare. If your knowledge of BDSM comes from TV or movies, know that there’s a lot more to explore and a lot of knowledge to learn. In fact, don’t dive into a D/s dynamic before reading up about it. And, as always: the key word is “consent.”

How to have sober sex

We’re rounding out the best sex advice of the first half of 2023 with a breakdown of how to have sex sober. For anyone who has mostly done it under the influence, sober sex can feel daunting — and that’s okay. Sex is a vulnerable act, and you may be used to dulling your senses with substances. We asked the experts for tips on how to go to into sex clear-headed, and you might even find the benefits of stone-cold sober sex — like feeling more sensations.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Emily Morse Wants You to Think Seriously About an Open Relationship

By David Marchese

For nearly 20 years, Emily Morse has been publicly talking with people about sex. She has done it in intimate, small-group conversations with friends; she has done it on radio and TV and social media; and the sex therapist has done it, most prominently, on her popular “Sex With Emily” podcast. A lot of what she has talked about over the years hasn’t changed: People want to discuss why they’re not having orgasms or their insecurities about penis size or their changing libido. But lately she has noticed something different: There’s a growing desire for more information about open sexual relationships. Indeed, Morse was already late in submitting a draft to her publisher of her new book, “Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure,” when she decided that she needed to add a section on nonmonogamy because she kept being asked about it. “People are realizing,” says Morse, who is 53, “that monogamy isn’t a one-size-fits-all model.”

Why do you think so many people are curious about nonmonogamy these days? People are in therapy more, taking care of themselves and thinking more deeply about their relationships. Now that’s part of the conversation; therapy is no longer stigmatized. That has been a big switch, and when couples get into their feelings and emotional intelligence, they’re realizing: We can love each other and be together, and we can create a relationship on our own terms that works for us. If you are in a long-term committed relationship, it can be exciting to experience sex in a new way that is equitable, consensual and pleasurable but doesn’t take away from the union of marriage.

A term I hear a lot now is “ethical nonmonogamy.”1

1
Broadly, it’s the practice of being romantically or sexually involved with multiple people who are all aware of and give consent to the arrangement.

My sense is that some couples experiment with that because one-half of a relationship feels that things have to open up or the relationship isn’t going to last. But in a situation like that, how ethical is the ethical nonmonogamy? That’s coercion. That’s manipulation. If you say to your partner, “We have to open up, or I’m leaving you” — I don’t feel great about the future of those couples. I can say that there usually is one partner who starts the nonmonogamy conversation. They might say, “I’ve been thinking about it, and our friends are doing it, and what would you think about being open?” They’ll talk about what it might look like and how they would navigate and negotiate it. But if one partner is like, “We should open up,” and the other is like, “I’m shut down to that; it doesn’t work for me,” and then the partner brings it up again and again and the answer is still “No,” then it won’t work. For a majority of people, their first thought is, I never want to hear about my partner having sex with somebody else; that is my biggest nightmare. That’s where most people are. So for nonmonogamy to work, you need to be self-aware and have self-knowledge about your sexual desires and do some work. Maybe we’ll talk to our friends who we know are into it. Maybe we’ll listen to a podcast about it. Maybe we’ll go to therapy. Maybe we’ll take baby steps and go to a play party.2

2
A party where people are free to engage in public sex or kinky behaviors.

But to do it to spice up your relationship is not the reason to do it. Do it because you’re open and curious and understand that your desire for pleasure extends beyond your relationship.

In the book, you say nonmonogamy is not a way to fix a relationship. Why not? The people in successful ethical nonmonogamous relationships have a very healthy relationship to their own sex life and their own intimacy, their own desires. People who are like, Yeah, let’s go find someone else to have sex with, to spice it up — usually those couples don’t have a deeper understanding of their own sex life and what they want from a partner. Another version of that is, “Let’s have a baby!” These drastic things that people do to make their relationship more interesting or to distract themselves from problems usually don’t work. Couples who are successful have rigorous honesty and a deeper knowledge of their own sexual wants and desires.

Emily Morse hosting Gwyneth Paltrow on her “Sex With Emily” podcast in 2021.

What about couples who stay together because their sex life is great but the rest of their relationship is bad? People who have great sex but they can’t stand each other? I think that’s rare. If they’re not connected in other areas and the sex is what’s carrying them, I would want to sit with that couple and find out more. Maybe the relationship is better than they think. But listen, people get to decide what works for them. To me, the most satisfying pleasurable sex is when you have trust and depth and openness and intimacy and communication. If you loathe your partner outside the bedroom? I don’t want to yuck anyone’s yum; I’m sure that situation exists, but I don’t hear about it often.

It’s funny to hear you say you don’t want to yuck anyone’s yum, because in my life — If that’s you, David, in your relationship, that’s awesome! I’m so glad for you and your partner.

No, no. What I was going to say was that I use that phrase with my kids. One will say to the other, “Why are you eating that Jell-O?” or whatever, and I’ll say, “Don’t yuck their yum.” It’s a very different context! Well, that’s a big sex thing, too: You never want to yuck your partner’s yum. This is what comes up with fantasies and arousal and desire. If your partner tells you they want to use a sex toy, and you’re like, “Ew,” it’s hard to recover from that. So don’t yuck the yum if you don’t like Jell-O and if you don’t like anal sex.

You said a second ago that the best sex is about communication and depth and so on, which goes along with ideas in your book about what you call the five pillars of sex IQ,3

3
Which are embodiment (meaning awareness of your self in your own body), health, collaboration (relating to and working with your sexual partners), self-knowledge and self-acceptance.

which are basically all things that also go into being a balanced, healthy person. Obviously sex ties into one’s overall sense of self and well-being, but is there any way in which making it as central as you do also makes it more daunting? Or sets people up for disappointment? Because maybe sometimes sex is just OK, or sometimes it’s disappointing, or sometimes it’s great. Does it always have to be a referendum on one’s holistic well-being? I want people to think deeply about sex, to prioritize sex, to be intentional about sex and to think about it differently than just, I’m going to close my eyes in the dark and hope it works out. The problem is that most people compartmentalize sex. It’s shrouded in mystery. Since it’s so mysterious, people don’t want to talk about it, and they don’t have a lot of information — there’s a lot of misinformation. People are surprised every day to learn that maybe they can’t get an erection because they haven’t been working out or because of the food they’re eating. We don’t want to talk about sex unless we get a quick fix. For many years, I was like: Here’s the vibrator! Here’s the sex position! Here’s a quick-fix tip! Tips are great, but because sex becomes such a problem in relationships, I want to give people the tools to say: “I wonder if it’s a problem because I haven’t communicated with my partner lately. Maybe that’s how I can have better sex tonight.” So understanding all the elements to it might help you have more satisfaction. Once people realize this is foundational work that’s going to help you for a lifetime, once it becomes more integrated, it’ll help everybody have more freeing, satisfying sex

What are examples of misinformation about sex? That the most pleasure comes from penetration; that men want sex more than women; that men don’t fake orgasms; that desire stays the same in long-term relationships; if there isn’t desire, it means your relationship should end; that if you don’t have penetrative sex, you’re not really having sex. There’s so many of them, and every day I get hundreds of questions from people who you would think would know better. I have friends who have three children, educated, who are like, “Is the g-spot thing real?”

Can I ask about the ring you’re wearing?

4
It was quite a large ring.

I realize it looks like a vulva.

It does. It’s a vintage ring. At the time I got it, I literally didn’t realize what it looked like until the next day. [Laughs.] But now it’s my magic vulva ring!

What’s the most far-out thing that everyone should be doing? And I don’t mean far-out as in kinkiest. I mean what’s the thing that people are prudish about but need to get over? I think it’s important to masturbate. Solo sex is a great way to understand your body, what feels good. Healthy masturbation is good for people of all ages, in and out of relationships — when you are intentional about it and it makes you feel good, not bad. You don’t want to have shame after. You want to be accepting of your body, feel more in touch with yourself, feel your sexual energy. You can start to understand what turns you on. You know and accept your genitals for how they are today, and you do it without consequences.

Emily Morse at the Macworld exposition in San Francisco in 2007.

On the subject of masturbation: In the book you write about this technique of “Meditate, masturbate” — remind me of the third one? Manifest.

Right. So the idea is that I’m supposed to meditate. Then once I’m in the right head space, I can start masturbating. And at the moment of climax, if I think about the thing I want to happen in my life — “I hope I get that raise!” — then it’s more likely to happen? Yeah. I mean, manifestation is the science behind the law of attraction and all the things you think about when you are in a heightened state. So when you’re meditating, which, I don’t know if you meditate.

I do two out of the three M’s. Two out of three! You’re good! So you meditate for a few minutes, you get in the zone, then you masturbate, and at the height of orgasm, when your sexual energy is at a peak level and you’re at a clear state to transmute whatever you believe into the universe — it’s very potent, clear energy at that moment to think about and feel what it is that you want. It could be about a raise. It could be about a better day. I feel like this is so woo. I’m from California! [Laughs.] But at that moment of your orgasm, if in that moment you can feel what you want, picture it, it has powerful resonance.

But that’s magic. Magic is not real. [Expletive.] I know. I wish I could explain this better to you, the science behind it, but a lot of people have had a lot of success with this feeling. I just think that meditate, masturbate, manifest is basically a way of using your creative energy to fuel your intentions in the moment of pleasure.

What are you working on in your sex life right now? I’m always working on my sex. Research is me-search, as I say. I’m working on staying connected. I love to slow down sex and take time to experience one-way touch.

5
Which in this context means when only one of the partners is offering touch without the expectation that the other will reciprocate.

So having a night where it’s more about giving and receiving. Expanding connection and understanding what feels good is something I’m always working on.

Just to go back to the five pillars of sex IQ: It seems self-evident that if you get healthier, become more self-aware, collaborate more honestly and openly, and if you’re more comfortable in your own body and you accept yourself, you’re more likely to have better sex. So what is your unique insight there? That’s a great question, because, yeah, those are the five pillars for a better life. But if you have a better sex life, you have a better life. So my thing is that you need to take a more holistic approach to your sex life. People don’t realize that all of those things matter. I don’t think these are so groundbreaking. It’s more applying them to sex on a daily basis. What I’m hearing you say is, Don’t people know this? They don’t.

You’re a doctor of human sexuality. I don’t mean this in a glib way at all, but what is that? So, 20 years ago when I was starting this career — and I know the school isn’t there anymore. It’s a whole thing. But I’m fully open about this. I wanted to go back to school and get a degree in human sexuality. In 2003 when I started looking, there weren’t really many places to go, and I wanted to learn more about sex and education. One school was in San Francisco, called the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality.6

6
The institute operated from the mid-1970s to 2018. In 2017, California’s Bureau for Private Postsecondary Education denied its renewal application to continue operating educational programs. In its decision, the bureau did note that the institute’s faculty and graduates “have produced a well-respected body of research and scholarship.”

A few people I admired highly recommended this school to me. So I did that for three years: an intensive program of learning everything about human sexuality and writing papers and reading everything about sex. That’s where everyone at the time in this space was going to school. Now I think there are other programs. There are some places popping up that I think are a bit better, but not a ton. It’s kind of a newer path.

My understanding is that the school didn’t meet California’s standards for private higher education. I know. This is my nightmare. But you can write about this if you want. Here’s the thing: It was run for like 40, 50 years, but it didn’t meet the criteria to be accredited, which is not fun. I haven’t really been following it. But then I went and got other degrees — in somatic sex therapy, and I’ve taken other things.

Do you think people assume that you’re a medical doctor? I hope not. I always make it clear. I don’t want people to think I’m a medical doctor. Then people think I’m a Ph.D. — not at all. I think after 20 years I’ve been doing this, people know that I’m not a medical doctor. I know putting “Dr. Emily” in the book might have been misleading, but I do say that I’m a doctor of human sexuality, which I understand might not be as well known.

I was interested in your ideas in the book about “core desires”

7
The term came to Morse from the sex educators Celeste Hirschman and Danielle Harel. She defines it as “the specific feeling you want to experience during sex.” That could be feelings like power or humiliation, not merely arousal.

and how they shape our sexuality. Do you mind if I ask what your core desire is? I think to be nurtured, to be seen — loved, cared for, nourished and sometimes ravished. Twenty years ago, I was nervous around sex, disassociated. I was much more in my head and much more about my partner’s pleasure, and if they got off, that meant it was a success and a good time. I knew nothing about my body, my clitoris. I’m a totally different person. Growing up, maybe I wasn’t in an environment — divorced parents and life was hectic. I don’t think I felt as nurtured as I needed to feel. People have really intense core desires. I want to give permission to people to find out what they need, release any shame around it, express it to your partner and then see how that goes. Hopefully it goes well.

What’s the wisest thing someone ever said to you about sex? David, you with the good questions! I don’t remember who said it to me, but: “Sex isn’t just about sex.” It’s about so many other things. Sex is about your entire life. Sex is about energy, intimacy and connection. Oh, also: “Go five times slower.” That is a great sex tip!

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity from two conversations.

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The First In-Depth Study on ‘Blue Balls’ Reveals a Lot about Sex

— Arousal without orgasm isn’t dangerous, so why are people pressured to engage in unwanted sexual activity to avoid it?

By Timmy Broderick

published a paper in Sexual Medicine on the first in-depth study investigating epididymal hypertension—a sometimes uncomfortable state of engorged genitals that is commonly known as “blue balls.”Previous research on this acute condition is practically nonexistent. To investigate whether blue balls are a real phenomenon and, if so, how they affect sexual behavior, Pukall and her colleagues at Queen’s University in Ontario teamed up with journalists at Science Vs to solicit survey responses from people with a penis and people with a vagina—2,621 in all. Among the takeaways: testicles are not a prerequisite for what Pukall prefers to call “throbbing crotch syndrome.” Scientific American talked with Pukall about the pervasive myth that arousal without orgasm is dangerous and why people still use it to pressure a partner into having sex.[An edited transcript of the interview follows.]

Why is excess blood in the genitals potentially uncomfortable?

There’s a whole bunch of things that go on in the process of being turned on sexually. One of the main body-related phenomena that occurs is something called engorgement, where blood rushes to those erogenous zones. That will be responsible for things such as clitoral enlargement and penile erection.

Orgasm is almost like a quick-release valve for all of these body-related processes to come back to the regular resting state, when genitals return to their normal size and blood stops pooling in those erogenous areas. But let’s say there’s a lot of foreplay happening. It’s more like a very slow release valve where there’s no explosion to let those processes come back to that nonaroused state.

Are blue balls a legitimate phenomenon?

Yes, absolutely. Now, what does it mean to have blue balls? It could range from feeling a bit uncomfortable to feeling frustrated that this arousal response hasn’t been completed. It could be throbbing, it could be achy, but in terms of intense pain or frequent pain, that is exceptionally rare. Is it something that requires immediate medical attention? No. But the experience of that pain is absolutely real. Anyone who has genitals and is capable, physically, of that physiological sexual response can experience this ache. [This study] legitimizes this condition for all people, whether it’s blue balls or blue vulva or blue genitals. I’ve started to call it “throbbing crotch syndrome.”

Throbbing crotch syndrome is a much better name. Do the testicles and the vulva actually turn blue?

[In our study], some people reported that their genitals do take on a slightly blue tinge. But we couldn’t find any papers showing that this phenomenon leads to a bluish tinge in the genitals. There’s [no research] out there that gives solid proof that there is hypertension in the scrotal area or in the genitals. Everything that we could find around how it occurs are just ideas. There is only a survey of college students from the 1950s and a case study of a 14-year-old from 2001.

Were you surprised that 40 percent of people with a vulva reported that they experience throbbing crotch syndrome?

I was actually expecting quite a high number simply because I don’t see it as the domain of the frat boys and of people with a penis. If you think about the way the process works, it doesn’t matter what your accoutrements are. It’s not like the blood flow knows that it is going into the scrotal area. Or if no scrotal area exists, it’s not like the blood flow is going to be acting, well, nicer.

Were you expecting severe pain levels to be low—less than 7 percent in people with a penis?

I actually expected [the level of severe pain] to be higher. I’ve worked in genital pelvic pain, so I’m used to always validating [people’s experiences]. This is an acute pain condition that is typically easily resolvable, relatively infrequent and mild. It isn’t on the radar of medical professionals simply because it isn’t dangerous in any way. If the pain is chronic and extremely distressing, that’s when you need to see a medical professional to get some tests done and to have a thorough assessment. In all likelihood, something else is going on.

Scientists have been studying pain for centuries, yet this survey was the first serious inquiry into blue balls. Considering society’s love affair with penises, why do you think this topic has been overlooked?

It’s interesting, right? Usually pain related to penises is taken super seriously, whereas pain related to vulvas or other sorts of configurations of genitals is not. I was really stumped. But I think one explanation could be the narrative that blue balls happens mainly to younger men who are sexually frustrated, so it’s kind of treated like a joke and almost like a rite of passage.

It sounds like scientists haven’t studied it because it isn’t a big deal medically. Yet more than 40 percent of the survey respondents with a vagina said that they’ve felt pressured to “engage sexually due to a partner’s fear of getting blue balls/vulva.”

Yes, as did some people [3.7 percent] with a penis. In our qualitative analysis, we included a section where respondents could add comments, and many people wrote that blue balls shouldn’t be used as an excuse to sexually coerce somebody. This was one of the most prominent themes that came up in our analyses: even though people know that it shouldn’t be used as an excuse, it’s still happening.

The good news is that there are many ways for a person to resolve their uncomfortable sensations. We found from the study that you can wait it out, do distracting activities, exercise or masturbate. These are all things that don’t implicate a partner. It’s important to have masturbation as an option, but I think people are just so uncomfortable with the idea of it. Automatically, it’s like, “Oh, someone else needs to take care of this for me.” No way. You’ve got to take the problem in your own hands.

Why do you think the myth that blue balls is dangerous is so pervasive?

I think it has a lot to do with gendered scripts that people have internalized. In many cases, there’s this emphasis placed on penile pleasure in sexual situations—the patriarchy inside the bedroom. Men are seen as the sexual go-getters and as proactive; women are seen as the gatekeepers to sex and more passive. This sexual script places a huge emphasis on the performance of men and their penis. Cisgender women who are having sexual activity with cisgender men tend not to benefit from this at all. This [dynamic] is also manifested in something called the orgasm gap: men are reporting lots and lots of orgasms, whereas women who are having sex with men report the lowest frequencies of orgasm.

How does an undue focus on orgasm contribute to the pressure to engage sexually that many respondents reported feeling?

Some people really feel that they’re not having real sex unless they have an orgasm, that they are entitled to it. People talk about “achieving” orgasm, right? It sounds like you’re hiking to the top of Kilimanjaro or something. [Orgasm] is wonderful! It’s like icing on the cake! But you don’t have to have the icing on the cake because the cake itself is delicious.

We want to ensure that people have the knowledge to say no—to feel confident in their rejection of continuing an activity if it’s not something they truly want.

Are you going to do more research on throbbing crotch syndrome?

We are planning a more in-depth study where we will take more into account the genders of people’s sexual partners. [In the recent study] we only talked about bodies. We also want to take a look at the context: Are there differences [in the frequency or intensity of the phenomenon] if it’s more of a casual encounter versus an encounter with a committed partner?

It would be cool to do research on how [throbbing crotch syndrome] happens and if there are ways we can prevent it. I have some pretty cool devices in my lab, but I don’t know if it would fly with my ethics board to have people come in and masturbate to almost orgasm and then, like, scan their genitals.

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When the Sex Is Good

— Ways to Avoid Unsatisfying Sex

It’s time we all elevated our sex lives to the next level.

By Ally Sweeten

You’re about to have a sexual encounter. All the elements seem to be in place, and you have high hopes. But in its aftermath, you may be forced to face an unfortunate reality.

The sex simply wasn’t very good.

Shuffling away and feeling unsatisfied or perhaps put off entirely, you can’t help but wonder how things could have gone wrong. You want to get to when the sex is good.

It’s 2023 and sex is everywhere—in advice columns, social media and woven into every aspect of our daily lives. There’s a good chance you’ll find overt or covert sexual tones in almost anything and everything. Yet despite this vast pool of information at our fingertips, people continue to have “bad” sex.

How is it possible?

Attitudes about sex over time

Over the years, societal perspectives on quality sex have undergone major generational shifts. What would have been acceptable to our grandparents may not be the case today, as society has shifted its priorities.

“Outdated beliefs would have looked at sex as a marital obligation, which does not consider pleasure and assumes sex to be more of a perfunctory role. This also continues patriarchal beliefs, which are changing,” said Lauren Muratore, an accredited sexologist and the director of Integrated Sex+Relationship Therapy in Melbourne, Australia. “A good sexual experience is also slowly shedding the social, religious, gender and media constructs that influence how people feel about their sexuality.”

She added that there is currently momentum provided by a sex-positive movement in which people are ultimately given the ability to have sex in a consenting, safe, healthy, pleasurable way whenever they feel like it. That consent education is a major shift in itself.

“What pleasure looks like can change each sexual experience; therefore, assuming consent regardless of how long you have known someone is not helpful,” she said. “Consent is sexy and having a voice to communicate sexual pleasure brings greater satisfaction.”

People need to create a safe place where all topics around sex can be exchanged positively and respectfully, according to Rebecca Alvarez Story, a sexologist and CEO/co-founder of the sexual wellness and intimate products website Bloomi.

“It’s crucial to ask for and obtain consent from your partner(s) in any sexual relationship or encounter,” she said. “Your body and sexuality belong only to you and no one else.”

Furthermore, she noted that the focus is shifting from orgasming to the giving and receiving of intimate moments and pleasure, without the pressure of reaching a climax. She believes there’s no such thing as “bad” sex because problems can be fixed with mutual communication and understanding.

Plus, there may be extenuating circumstances making sex insufficient, which have nothing to do with the actual act, such as stress, prior experiences, and cultural or religious conditioning.

“As such, ‘bad’ sex can be all situations where individuals aren’t receiving emotional or physical satisfaction, where one partner is selfish, and where there is no connection or compatibility between partners,” she explained.

Conversely, Muratore cautioned against seeing “good” sex as a one-size-fits-all approach. The spectrum of sexuality, including asexuality, is relevant.

‘Good’ and ‘bad’ sex today

Our access to sexual content has exploded, but it’s not enough to completely eradicate unsatisfying sex. A survey carried out in 2021 by OnePoll revealed 1 in 5 Americans have experienced more than 10 awful sexual encounters, and 2 in 5 have gone as far as to stop in the middle because the experience was so unpleasant. Established couples weren’t immune, either: half admitted their current partner was the worst sexual partner they’d had.

The quantity of information is part of the problem. It can be so overwhelming that people opt out of reading at all, said Debbie Rivers, a relationship coach in Australia. Instead, they learn from porn, which Rivers said is far from realistic and can warp their views on sex, particularly for men.

“Reading information is quite different from experiencing it, and people often don’t know what they don’t know, especially if they have never experienced what good sex actually is,” she said.

Acknowledging gender disparities is important, as well, as sexual encounters vary for each.

“Often, we think that people see and experience the world as we do, and that isn’t true here,” Rivers explained. “We project how we are onto other people.”

Story pointed to the changing goals of sex.

“Nowadays, sex is seen as a critical element of broader wellness and well-being, and essential for a person’s mental, emotional and physical health,” she said.

Rivers and Story agreed that the pros of a healthy sex life can:

  • Improve connections to others and lead to more intimate relationships
  • Improve self-confidence and willingness to try new sexual activities
  • Increase romantic gestures (gifts, dates, vacations, displays of affection and telling each other “I love you”)
  • Improve your immune system and lower blood pressure
  • Reduce stress, anxiety and depression

With all those benefits, finding out why you aren’t enjoying sex is worth investigating. One way to do this is through masturbation and self-exploration.

Taking the time to become familiar with your body provides a no-pressure atmosphere to discover likes and dislikes, which you can then relay to your partner. Further, self-pleasure can lead to higher self-esteem and increased libido, Story said.

Talk dirty to me

Experts noted that the process of transforming “bad” sex into “good” sex relies on interpersonal communication with your partner. The degree to which couples are comfortable sharing is subjective, and it’s never OK to assume your partner is agreeable to divulging information.

For example, Rivers wondered how you might feel if you discovered your partner was telling their friends how bad you were in bed. The odds are your reaction might be less than stellar.

“The one person that you should be talking to is your partner, as they are the only ones with the ability to change the situation. Sometimes, it can be easier to be naked than to be emotionally vulnerable,” she said.

Discuss your values and boundaries and avoid comparing yourself to others.

“Every couple has a different sex life with a different meaning, a different script and a different frequency,” Muratore explained. “Once you start comparing yourself to those around you, people often feel inadequate and it sets up false expectations for your own relationship. If you want to share how you feel, speak to a friend who can listen to your feelings with empathy, without expectations that they’ll solve your problems.”

If you feel sexually unfulfilled, speak up. Muratore, Rivers and Story all recommended waiting for the right time—namely, not before, during or after sex—to bring up the topic.

Be open and build trust slowly. Focus on the positives, such as what you like, want more of or want to try. This will allow your partner to be more receptive to hearing you out. Avoid absolutes—”you always” or “you never”—and accusations. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements.

Rivers also suggested giving a blame-free lighthearted sex review the following day.

The most important thing to remember is that it takes two to tango. After a sexual encounter, both of you should walk away feeling sexually gratified, so take the time to learn your partner’s likes and preferences, too.

“Sex is an important aspect of a relationship,” Muratore said. “However, each person’s sex needs to be considered.”

Story noted that it’s never too late to start having open conversations about sex with your partner.

“By sharing fantasies, likes, dislikes and expectations, you can learn about each other and create the best possible experience for all,” she said.

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