Category: Sexual Performance Issues

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How to boost your libido if you’re taking antidepressants

— Trust us, it’s not gone forever

BY Holly Berckelman

If you take antidepressants and have found your libido’s dropped off a cliff, fear not, there are GP-approved steps you can take to bring it back.

There’s a lot of stigma around antidepressants

Due to the formerly hush-hush nature of mental illness and misconceptions spread in pop culture (hi, Stepford Wives), there’s a huge amount of misinformation that’s still present in the social conscience.

In reality, for people struggling with mental illness, particularly anxiety and depression, antidepressants medication can be life-changing. They can assist with levelling out severe peaks and troughs and bring an overwhelming sense of relief to the person taking the meds, in turn giving them the chance to work on their mental health in other ways.

Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are one of the most common forms of antidepressants and work by slowing the rate at which the central nervous symptom reuptakes the natural serotonin produced by the body. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter attributed to happiness.

However, as with all medications, there can be side effects, one being a loss of libido.

According to Cindy Meston, a clinical psychologist and sexual psychophysiology researcher in the United States, it’s the unwanted effect women report most often.

“They don’t feel like having sex, or when they have sex, they’re just not into it,” Meston tells Goop. “And many also report an inability to attain orgasm.”

A study published in The Mental Health Clinician (MHC), a peer-reviewed, bimonthly, clinical practice journal, hypothesised that the side effects of SSRIs are attributed to the increase of serotonin in other areas of the body, and may affect “other hormones and neurotransmitters, such as testosterone and dopamine.”

“This may lead to side effects of sexual dysfunction, as testosterone may affect sexual arousal and dopamine plays a role in achieving orgasm.”

Other research shows that SSRIs “impact many key neurotransmitters (like serotonin, dopamine, histamine, and acetylcholine) and decrease the activation of the sympathetic nervous system, which alters a woman’s libido.”

Aside from the scientific specifics, an unexpected loss of libido can be difficult for couples and individuals to manage.

General Practitioner (GP) Dr Sam Saling says “For those partnered up, it can cause relationship difficulties, which has a whole heap of consequences especially if there is a mismatch between each person’s sexual drive.”

Meanwhile for people who are single, “Lowered libido can still have a great effect on self-esteem, one’s interpersonal relationship endeavours, and one’s social life.”

“For both men and women, lowered libido can have absolutely no physical and mental effects, or alternatively, a huge effect, depending on the person.”

Fortunately, there are a number of ways you can work to boost your libido if it’s dropped off a cliff since you started taking antidepressants. We asked Dr Saling for her tips on getting to the bottom of a low libido, and the best ways to boost it back up.

First, look for other causes

Dr Saling says before you look to blame the antidepressants, it’s important to look for the true cause of the feeling.

“Low libido in itself is often a symptom of an untreated mood disorder,” she tells Body+Soul. “So, often the low libido that follows the commencement of an antidepressant is actually a sign of a pre-existing illness, not a side effect of the medication.”

If you’re experiencing low libido in the first half-year after commencing medication, this is particularly true, as “It can take six months or more to start seeing the full effect of an antidepressant.”

Another common side effect of antidepressants is increased sleepiness in the short term, which Dr Saling says “can definitely lower libido just due to someone’s increased desire to sleep over other activities in bed.”

Once short-term symptoms have alleviated, and the antidepressant is working in terms of abating mood symptoms, libido may also increase.

However, if after several months libido has lessened significantly, then it could be related to the antidepressants itself (rather than mood or the desire to sleep), as “low libido is a known side effect of many of these medications,” says Dr Saling.

Then, speak to your GP

If you’re suffering from a low libido, the first port of call is your GP.

“Your GP will take a detailed history and this will indicate to us what is the likely cause,” says Dr Saling. “New mood disorder medications, or an increased dose, is a clear cause.”

If it is related to the antidepressants, “Often all it requires is a dose tweaking or a different medication type,” says Dr Saling, “Sometimes, we recommend psychological counselling and lifestyle interventions.”

There are many causes of low libido including, Dr Saling tells Body+Soul, including “vascular issues, hormonal changes, and many more contributing medical conditions. Social circumstances, financial pressures, relationship difficulties and work stress” can also contribute.

If you’re suffering with low libido, your GP is the very best person you can speak to to figure it out, regardless of the cause.

How to boost libido if your antidepressants is the cause

#1. Exercise right before sex

According to Meston’s research, having sex within 30 minutes of a moderate workout significantly increased sexual desire in women taking antidepressants. ]

“We know that exercise has a lot of chronic benefits for health and sexuality—you have more energy, better sleep, enhanced body image, decreased stress,” Meston told Goop. “But in this case, we found that, in addition, acute exercise or a single act of exercise is hugely beneficial for sexual desire.”

This may be due to activating the sympathetic nervous system, which is needed to get turned on enough to reach orgasm.

Dr Saling is also an advocate for regular exercise: “I would recommend starting with a regular exercise routine incorporating both aerobic and resistance training,” she says. “This is recommended to boost mood as well as energy levels overall.

#2. Sync sex to your medication schedule

According to Meston’s research, syncing sex with when you take your medication could also help – as if you have sex right before you take your next dose, the levels from the previous dose will be at their lowest.

There is no evidence to support this practice, but Meston tells Goop that “when levels of antidepressants are very low, their sexual side effects are likely to be low, too.”

#3. Try scheduling sex

While scheduling sex may seem daggy, it can be a great way to increase intimacy in couples, which can often be a crucial step in increasing arousal.

Setting aside time where sex does not come into the picture, along with time where sex is pre-planned can help couples bond without either party misconstruing an attempt for sex, and build anticipation for the times when sex is on the agenda.

#4. Eat a healthy diet

Taking care of your body through a nutritious diet gives you the best opportunity to let it get on with its natural processes – libido included.

“A healthy diet is essential to ensure adequate nutrition to feel one’s best,” instructs Dr Saling.

#5. Introduce sex toys

Of course, if libido has dropped to the point where you or your partner is not interested in sex at all, then that must be respected. However, if you are still keen to include sex in your relationship until low libido is resolved, you may need more stimulation to become aroused and reach orgasm.

Vibrators are a surefire way to turn things up a notch if you are experiencing decreased sensitivity, and will assist with driving blood flow into the genitals.

Dr Saling also suggests implementing regular reviews with your doctor to effectively manage the change. “Not only can we review your response to medication and make adjustments if needed, but we can also recommend non-medical interventions,” she says.

“Once we work out the cause of low libido, we can tailor the treatment plan.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Best sex advice of 2023

— So far

From lasting longer in bed to our top orgasm tip.

BY Anna Iovine 

In a time where sex education isn’t mandated in many parts of the country (and the world), it’s no surprise that we don’t know where to turn for sex advice. Sex educators are often pushed off social media platforms, letting online misinformation fester.

Thankfully, here at Mashable, we pride ourselves in providing evidence-based, inclusive advice that you won’t get in school — or by watching porn, for that matter.

Here are 6 pieces of the best sex advice of 2023 (so far).

Set your boundaries

Whether you’re with a new or longtime partner, setting sexual boundaries is a must. That doesn’t mean it’s easy, though; communicating about sex can be difficult when we’re not used to it. You don’t have to rush into it, though. In fact, the first step is to figure out what your boundaries are, and only you alone can do that.

Once you know what you do and don’t want in bed, set the scene for the sensitive conversation. Set a time and private place for it. Then, use “I” statements, like “I don’t like to be touched there.” Check out our guide to setting sexual boundaries for more in-depth tips.

Why can I orgasm from masturbation, but not sex?

If you can cum on your own but not with your partner, you’re not alone. As experts told us, it’s understandable to orgasm freely by yourself; you’re not thinking about your performance, how you look, or focusing on your partner’s pleasure instead of your own. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible to orgasm in partnered sex, though! Some tips are to try mutual masturbation, incorporate sex toys, and focus on exploring your own body.

Top orgasm tip

If the above tips aren’t working, maybe consider the most important ingredient to achieve orgasm: emotional safety. As sex and relationship therapist Lena Elkhatib said, “Having an orgasm requires us to be able to [be] present with the sensation of pleasure in our body and relaxed enough to allow ourselves the release at climax.” This can’t happen if we feel unsafe, which can be caused by a variety of issues, from trauma to a judgmental partner. Our brains are the biggest sex organ, so whatever’s going on “up here” will impact “down there.”

How can I last longer in bed?

Our society is obsessed with lasting longer in bed — when the reality is the average time between getting an erection and orgasming is 5-7 minutes. Still, there are expert-approved ways to take your time, including edging, and taking penetration out of the equation entirely. But remember that lasting longer doesn’t necessarily mean your partner wants to be penetrated the entire time! There are other ways both partners can pleasure each other, penetration or not.

I want to try kink…

Want to dive into Dom/sub dynamics but don’t know where to start? Look no further than our guide, which goes over the basics of what Dom/sub dynamics actually are, different ways it could play out, how to establish boundaries, and the importance of aftercare. If your knowledge of BDSM comes from TV or movies, know that there’s a lot more to explore and a lot of knowledge to learn. In fact, don’t dive into a D/s dynamic before reading up about it. And, as always: the key word is “consent.”

How to have sober sex

We’re rounding out the best sex advice of the first half of 2023 with a breakdown of how to have sex sober. For anyone who has mostly done it under the influence, sober sex can feel daunting — and that’s okay. Sex is a vulnerable act, and you may be used to dulling your senses with substances. We asked the experts for tips on how to go to into sex clear-headed, and you might even find the benefits of stone-cold sober sex — like feeling more sensations.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Emily Morse Wants You to Think Seriously About an Open Relationship

By David Marchese

For nearly 20 years, Emily Morse has been publicly talking with people about sex. She has done it in intimate, small-group conversations with friends; she has done it on radio and TV and social media; and the sex therapist has done it, most prominently, on her popular “Sex With Emily” podcast. A lot of what she has talked about over the years hasn’t changed: People want to discuss why they’re not having orgasms or their insecurities about penis size or their changing libido. But lately she has noticed something different: There’s a growing desire for more information about open sexual relationships. Indeed, Morse was already late in submitting a draft to her publisher of her new book, “Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure,” when she decided that she needed to add a section on nonmonogamy because she kept being asked about it. “People are realizing,” says Morse, who is 53, “that monogamy isn’t a one-size-fits-all model.”

Why do you think so many people are curious about nonmonogamy these days? People are in therapy more, taking care of themselves and thinking more deeply about their relationships. Now that’s part of the conversation; therapy is no longer stigmatized. That has been a big switch, and when couples get into their feelings and emotional intelligence, they’re realizing: We can love each other and be together, and we can create a relationship on our own terms that works for us. If you are in a long-term committed relationship, it can be exciting to experience sex in a new way that is equitable, consensual and pleasurable but doesn’t take away from the union of marriage.

A term I hear a lot now is “ethical nonmonogamy.”1

1
Broadly, it’s the practice of being romantically or sexually involved with multiple people who are all aware of and give consent to the arrangement.

My sense is that some couples experiment with that because one-half of a relationship feels that things have to open up or the relationship isn’t going to last. But in a situation like that, how ethical is the ethical nonmonogamy? That’s coercion. That’s manipulation. If you say to your partner, “We have to open up, or I’m leaving you” — I don’t feel great about the future of those couples. I can say that there usually is one partner who starts the nonmonogamy conversation. They might say, “I’ve been thinking about it, and our friends are doing it, and what would you think about being open?” They’ll talk about what it might look like and how they would navigate and negotiate it. But if one partner is like, “We should open up,” and the other is like, “I’m shut down to that; it doesn’t work for me,” and then the partner brings it up again and again and the answer is still “No,” then it won’t work. For a majority of people, their first thought is, I never want to hear about my partner having sex with somebody else; that is my biggest nightmare. That’s where most people are. So for nonmonogamy to work, you need to be self-aware and have self-knowledge about your sexual desires and do some work. Maybe we’ll talk to our friends who we know are into it. Maybe we’ll listen to a podcast about it. Maybe we’ll go to therapy. Maybe we’ll take baby steps and go to a play party.2

2
A party where people are free to engage in public sex or kinky behaviors.

But to do it to spice up your relationship is not the reason to do it. Do it because you’re open and curious and understand that your desire for pleasure extends beyond your relationship.

In the book, you say nonmonogamy is not a way to fix a relationship. Why not? The people in successful ethical nonmonogamous relationships have a very healthy relationship to their own sex life and their own intimacy, their own desires. People who are like, Yeah, let’s go find someone else to have sex with, to spice it up — usually those couples don’t have a deeper understanding of their own sex life and what they want from a partner. Another version of that is, “Let’s have a baby!” These drastic things that people do to make their relationship more interesting or to distract themselves from problems usually don’t work. Couples who are successful have rigorous honesty and a deeper knowledge of their own sexual wants and desires.

Emily Morse hosting Gwyneth Paltrow on her “Sex With Emily” podcast in 2021.

What about couples who stay together because their sex life is great but the rest of their relationship is bad? People who have great sex but they can’t stand each other? I think that’s rare. If they’re not connected in other areas and the sex is what’s carrying them, I would want to sit with that couple and find out more. Maybe the relationship is better than they think. But listen, people get to decide what works for them. To me, the most satisfying pleasurable sex is when you have trust and depth and openness and intimacy and communication. If you loathe your partner outside the bedroom? I don’t want to yuck anyone’s yum; I’m sure that situation exists, but I don’t hear about it often.

It’s funny to hear you say you don’t want to yuck anyone’s yum, because in my life — If that’s you, David, in your relationship, that’s awesome! I’m so glad for you and your partner.

No, no. What I was going to say was that I use that phrase with my kids. One will say to the other, “Why are you eating that Jell-O?” or whatever, and I’ll say, “Don’t yuck their yum.” It’s a very different context! Well, that’s a big sex thing, too: You never want to yuck your partner’s yum. This is what comes up with fantasies and arousal and desire. If your partner tells you they want to use a sex toy, and you’re like, “Ew,” it’s hard to recover from that. So don’t yuck the yum if you don’t like Jell-O and if you don’t like anal sex.

You said a second ago that the best sex is about communication and depth and so on, which goes along with ideas in your book about what you call the five pillars of sex IQ,3

3
Which are embodiment (meaning awareness of your self in your own body), health, collaboration (relating to and working with your sexual partners), self-knowledge and self-acceptance.

which are basically all things that also go into being a balanced, healthy person. Obviously sex ties into one’s overall sense of self and well-being, but is there any way in which making it as central as you do also makes it more daunting? Or sets people up for disappointment? Because maybe sometimes sex is just OK, or sometimes it’s disappointing, or sometimes it’s great. Does it always have to be a referendum on one’s holistic well-being? I want people to think deeply about sex, to prioritize sex, to be intentional about sex and to think about it differently than just, I’m going to close my eyes in the dark and hope it works out. The problem is that most people compartmentalize sex. It’s shrouded in mystery. Since it’s so mysterious, people don’t want to talk about it, and they don’t have a lot of information — there’s a lot of misinformation. People are surprised every day to learn that maybe they can’t get an erection because they haven’t been working out or because of the food they’re eating. We don’t want to talk about sex unless we get a quick fix. For many years, I was like: Here’s the vibrator! Here’s the sex position! Here’s a quick-fix tip! Tips are great, but because sex becomes such a problem in relationships, I want to give people the tools to say: “I wonder if it’s a problem because I haven’t communicated with my partner lately. Maybe that’s how I can have better sex tonight.” So understanding all the elements to it might help you have more satisfaction. Once people realize this is foundational work that’s going to help you for a lifetime, once it becomes more integrated, it’ll help everybody have more freeing, satisfying sex

What are examples of misinformation about sex? That the most pleasure comes from penetration; that men want sex more than women; that men don’t fake orgasms; that desire stays the same in long-term relationships; if there isn’t desire, it means your relationship should end; that if you don’t have penetrative sex, you’re not really having sex. There’s so many of them, and every day I get hundreds of questions from people who you would think would know better. I have friends who have three children, educated, who are like, “Is the g-spot thing real?”

Can I ask about the ring you’re wearing?

4
It was quite a large ring.

I realize it looks like a vulva.

It does. It’s a vintage ring. At the time I got it, I literally didn’t realize what it looked like until the next day. [Laughs.] But now it’s my magic vulva ring!

What’s the most far-out thing that everyone should be doing? And I don’t mean far-out as in kinkiest. I mean what’s the thing that people are prudish about but need to get over? I think it’s important to masturbate. Solo sex is a great way to understand your body, what feels good. Healthy masturbation is good for people of all ages, in and out of relationships — when you are intentional about it and it makes you feel good, not bad. You don’t want to have shame after. You want to be accepting of your body, feel more in touch with yourself, feel your sexual energy. You can start to understand what turns you on. You know and accept your genitals for how they are today, and you do it without consequences.

Emily Morse at the Macworld exposition in San Francisco in 2007.

On the subject of masturbation: In the book you write about this technique of “Meditate, masturbate” — remind me of the third one? Manifest.

Right. So the idea is that I’m supposed to meditate. Then once I’m in the right head space, I can start masturbating. And at the moment of climax, if I think about the thing I want to happen in my life — “I hope I get that raise!” — then it’s more likely to happen? Yeah. I mean, manifestation is the science behind the law of attraction and all the things you think about when you are in a heightened state. So when you’re meditating, which, I don’t know if you meditate.

I do two out of the three M’s. Two out of three! You’re good! So you meditate for a few minutes, you get in the zone, then you masturbate, and at the height of orgasm, when your sexual energy is at a peak level and you’re at a clear state to transmute whatever you believe into the universe — it’s very potent, clear energy at that moment to think about and feel what it is that you want. It could be about a raise. It could be about a better day. I feel like this is so woo. I’m from California! [Laughs.] But at that moment of your orgasm, if in that moment you can feel what you want, picture it, it has powerful resonance.

But that’s magic. Magic is not real. [Expletive.] I know. I wish I could explain this better to you, the science behind it, but a lot of people have had a lot of success with this feeling. I just think that meditate, masturbate, manifest is basically a way of using your creative energy to fuel your intentions in the moment of pleasure.

What are you working on in your sex life right now? I’m always working on my sex. Research is me-search, as I say. I’m working on staying connected. I love to slow down sex and take time to experience one-way touch.

5
Which in this context means when only one of the partners is offering touch without the expectation that the other will reciprocate.

So having a night where it’s more about giving and receiving. Expanding connection and understanding what feels good is something I’m always working on.

Just to go back to the five pillars of sex IQ: It seems self-evident that if you get healthier, become more self-aware, collaborate more honestly and openly, and if you’re more comfortable in your own body and you accept yourself, you’re more likely to have better sex. So what is your unique insight there? That’s a great question, because, yeah, those are the five pillars for a better life. But if you have a better sex life, you have a better life. So my thing is that you need to take a more holistic approach to your sex life. People don’t realize that all of those things matter. I don’t think these are so groundbreaking. It’s more applying them to sex on a daily basis. What I’m hearing you say is, Don’t people know this? They don’t.

You’re a doctor of human sexuality. I don’t mean this in a glib way at all, but what is that? So, 20 years ago when I was starting this career — and I know the school isn’t there anymore. It’s a whole thing. But I’m fully open about this. I wanted to go back to school and get a degree in human sexuality. In 2003 when I started looking, there weren’t really many places to go, and I wanted to learn more about sex and education. One school was in San Francisco, called the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality.6

6
The institute operated from the mid-1970s to 2018. In 2017, California’s Bureau for Private Postsecondary Education denied its renewal application to continue operating educational programs. In its decision, the bureau did note that the institute’s faculty and graduates “have produced a well-respected body of research and scholarship.”

A few people I admired highly recommended this school to me. So I did that for three years: an intensive program of learning everything about human sexuality and writing papers and reading everything about sex. That’s where everyone at the time in this space was going to school. Now I think there are other programs. There are some places popping up that I think are a bit better, but not a ton. It’s kind of a newer path.

My understanding is that the school didn’t meet California’s standards for private higher education. I know. This is my nightmare. But you can write about this if you want. Here’s the thing: It was run for like 40, 50 years, but it didn’t meet the criteria to be accredited, which is not fun. I haven’t really been following it. But then I went and got other degrees — in somatic sex therapy, and I’ve taken other things.

Do you think people assume that you’re a medical doctor? I hope not. I always make it clear. I don’t want people to think I’m a medical doctor. Then people think I’m a Ph.D. — not at all. I think after 20 years I’ve been doing this, people know that I’m not a medical doctor. I know putting “Dr. Emily” in the book might have been misleading, but I do say that I’m a doctor of human sexuality, which I understand might not be as well known.

I was interested in your ideas in the book about “core desires”

7
The term came to Morse from the sex educators Celeste Hirschman and Danielle Harel. She defines it as “the specific feeling you want to experience during sex.” That could be feelings like power or humiliation, not merely arousal.

and how they shape our sexuality. Do you mind if I ask what your core desire is? I think to be nurtured, to be seen — loved, cared for, nourished and sometimes ravished. Twenty years ago, I was nervous around sex, disassociated. I was much more in my head and much more about my partner’s pleasure, and if they got off, that meant it was a success and a good time. I knew nothing about my body, my clitoris. I’m a totally different person. Growing up, maybe I wasn’t in an environment — divorced parents and life was hectic. I don’t think I felt as nurtured as I needed to feel. People have really intense core desires. I want to give permission to people to find out what they need, release any shame around it, express it to your partner and then see how that goes. Hopefully it goes well.

What’s the wisest thing someone ever said to you about sex? David, you with the good questions! I don’t remember who said it to me, but: “Sex isn’t just about sex.” It’s about so many other things. Sex is about your entire life. Sex is about energy, intimacy and connection. Oh, also: “Go five times slower.” That is a great sex tip!

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity from two conversations.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The First In-Depth Study on ‘Blue Balls’ Reveals a Lot about Sex

— Arousal without orgasm isn’t dangerous, so why are people pressured to engage in unwanted sexual activity to avoid it?

By Timmy Broderick

published a paper in Sexual Medicine on the first in-depth study investigating epididymal hypertension—a sometimes uncomfortable state of engorged genitals that is commonly known as “blue balls.”Previous research on this acute condition is practically nonexistent. To investigate whether blue balls are a real phenomenon and, if so, how they affect sexual behavior, Pukall and her colleagues at Queen’s University in Ontario teamed up with journalists at Science Vs to solicit survey responses from people with a penis and people with a vagina—2,621 in all. Among the takeaways: testicles are not a prerequisite for what Pukall prefers to call “throbbing crotch syndrome.” Scientific American talked with Pukall about the pervasive myth that arousal without orgasm is dangerous and why people still use it to pressure a partner into having sex.[An edited transcript of the interview follows.]

Why is excess blood in the genitals potentially uncomfortable?

There’s a whole bunch of things that go on in the process of being turned on sexually. One of the main body-related phenomena that occurs is something called engorgement, where blood rushes to those erogenous zones. That will be responsible for things such as clitoral enlargement and penile erection.

Orgasm is almost like a quick-release valve for all of these body-related processes to come back to the regular resting state, when genitals return to their normal size and blood stops pooling in those erogenous areas. But let’s say there’s a lot of foreplay happening. It’s more like a very slow release valve where there’s no explosion to let those processes come back to that nonaroused state.

Are blue balls a legitimate phenomenon?

Yes, absolutely. Now, what does it mean to have blue balls? It could range from feeling a bit uncomfortable to feeling frustrated that this arousal response hasn’t been completed. It could be throbbing, it could be achy, but in terms of intense pain or frequent pain, that is exceptionally rare. Is it something that requires immediate medical attention? No. But the experience of that pain is absolutely real. Anyone who has genitals and is capable, physically, of that physiological sexual response can experience this ache. [This study] legitimizes this condition for all people, whether it’s blue balls or blue vulva or blue genitals. I’ve started to call it “throbbing crotch syndrome.”

Throbbing crotch syndrome is a much better name. Do the testicles and the vulva actually turn blue?

[In our study], some people reported that their genitals do take on a slightly blue tinge. But we couldn’t find any papers showing that this phenomenon leads to a bluish tinge in the genitals. There’s [no research] out there that gives solid proof that there is hypertension in the scrotal area or in the genitals. Everything that we could find around how it occurs are just ideas. There is only a survey of college students from the 1950s and a case study of a 14-year-old from 2001.

Were you surprised that 40 percent of people with a vulva reported that they experience throbbing crotch syndrome?

I was actually expecting quite a high number simply because I don’t see it as the domain of the frat boys and of people with a penis. If you think about the way the process works, it doesn’t matter what your accoutrements are. It’s not like the blood flow knows that it is going into the scrotal area. Or if no scrotal area exists, it’s not like the blood flow is going to be acting, well, nicer.

Were you expecting severe pain levels to be low—less than 7 percent in people with a penis?

I actually expected [the level of severe pain] to be higher. I’ve worked in genital pelvic pain, so I’m used to always validating [people’s experiences]. This is an acute pain condition that is typically easily resolvable, relatively infrequent and mild. It isn’t on the radar of medical professionals simply because it isn’t dangerous in any way. If the pain is chronic and extremely distressing, that’s when you need to see a medical professional to get some tests done and to have a thorough assessment. In all likelihood, something else is going on.

Scientists have been studying pain for centuries, yet this survey was the first serious inquiry into blue balls. Considering society’s love affair with penises, why do you think this topic has been overlooked?

It’s interesting, right? Usually pain related to penises is taken super seriously, whereas pain related to vulvas or other sorts of configurations of genitals is not. I was really stumped. But I think one explanation could be the narrative that blue balls happens mainly to younger men who are sexually frustrated, so it’s kind of treated like a joke and almost like a rite of passage.

It sounds like scientists haven’t studied it because it isn’t a big deal medically. Yet more than 40 percent of the survey respondents with a vagina said that they’ve felt pressured to “engage sexually due to a partner’s fear of getting blue balls/vulva.”

Yes, as did some people [3.7 percent] with a penis. In our qualitative analysis, we included a section where respondents could add comments, and many people wrote that blue balls shouldn’t be used as an excuse to sexually coerce somebody. This was one of the most prominent themes that came up in our analyses: even though people know that it shouldn’t be used as an excuse, it’s still happening.

The good news is that there are many ways for a person to resolve their uncomfortable sensations. We found from the study that you can wait it out, do distracting activities, exercise or masturbate. These are all things that don’t implicate a partner. It’s important to have masturbation as an option, but I think people are just so uncomfortable with the idea of it. Automatically, it’s like, “Oh, someone else needs to take care of this for me.” No way. You’ve got to take the problem in your own hands.

Why do you think the myth that blue balls is dangerous is so pervasive?

I think it has a lot to do with gendered scripts that people have internalized. In many cases, there’s this emphasis placed on penile pleasure in sexual situations—the patriarchy inside the bedroom. Men are seen as the sexual go-getters and as proactive; women are seen as the gatekeepers to sex and more passive. This sexual script places a huge emphasis on the performance of men and their penis. Cisgender women who are having sexual activity with cisgender men tend not to benefit from this at all. This [dynamic] is also manifested in something called the orgasm gap: men are reporting lots and lots of orgasms, whereas women who are having sex with men report the lowest frequencies of orgasm.

How does an undue focus on orgasm contribute to the pressure to engage sexually that many respondents reported feeling?

Some people really feel that they’re not having real sex unless they have an orgasm, that they are entitled to it. People talk about “achieving” orgasm, right? It sounds like you’re hiking to the top of Kilimanjaro or something. [Orgasm] is wonderful! It’s like icing on the cake! But you don’t have to have the icing on the cake because the cake itself is delicious.

We want to ensure that people have the knowledge to say no—to feel confident in their rejection of continuing an activity if it’s not something they truly want.

Are you going to do more research on throbbing crotch syndrome?

We are planning a more in-depth study where we will take more into account the genders of people’s sexual partners. [In the recent study] we only talked about bodies. We also want to take a look at the context: Are there differences [in the frequency or intensity of the phenomenon] if it’s more of a casual encounter versus an encounter with a committed partner?

It would be cool to do research on how [throbbing crotch syndrome] happens and if there are ways we can prevent it. I have some pretty cool devices in my lab, but I don’t know if it would fly with my ethics board to have people come in and masturbate to almost orgasm and then, like, scan their genitals.

Complete Article ↪HEREƒfrust↩!

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When the Sex Is Good

— Ways to Avoid Unsatisfying Sex

It’s time we all elevated our sex lives to the next level.

By Ally Sweeten

You’re about to have a sexual encounter. All the elements seem to be in place, and you have high hopes. But in its aftermath, you may be forced to face an unfortunate reality.

The sex simply wasn’t very good.

Shuffling away and feeling unsatisfied or perhaps put off entirely, you can’t help but wonder how things could have gone wrong. You want to get to when the sex is good.

It’s 2023 and sex is everywhere—in advice columns, social media and woven into every aspect of our daily lives. There’s a good chance you’ll find overt or covert sexual tones in almost anything and everything. Yet despite this vast pool of information at our fingertips, people continue to have “bad” sex.

How is it possible?

Attitudes about sex over time

Over the years, societal perspectives on quality sex have undergone major generational shifts. What would have been acceptable to our grandparents may not be the case today, as society has shifted its priorities.

“Outdated beliefs would have looked at sex as a marital obligation, which does not consider pleasure and assumes sex to be more of a perfunctory role. This also continues patriarchal beliefs, which are changing,” said Lauren Muratore, an accredited sexologist and the director of Integrated Sex+Relationship Therapy in Melbourne, Australia. “A good sexual experience is also slowly shedding the social, religious, gender and media constructs that influence how people feel about their sexuality.”

She added that there is currently momentum provided by a sex-positive movement in which people are ultimately given the ability to have sex in a consenting, safe, healthy, pleasurable way whenever they feel like it. That consent education is a major shift in itself.

“What pleasure looks like can change each sexual experience; therefore, assuming consent regardless of how long you have known someone is not helpful,” she said. “Consent is sexy and having a voice to communicate sexual pleasure brings greater satisfaction.”

People need to create a safe place where all topics around sex can be exchanged positively and respectfully, according to Rebecca Alvarez Story, a sexologist and CEO/co-founder of the sexual wellness and intimate products website Bloomi.

“It’s crucial to ask for and obtain consent from your partner(s) in any sexual relationship or encounter,” she said. “Your body and sexuality belong only to you and no one else.”

Furthermore, she noted that the focus is shifting from orgasming to the giving and receiving of intimate moments and pleasure, without the pressure of reaching a climax. She believes there’s no such thing as “bad” sex because problems can be fixed with mutual communication and understanding.

Plus, there may be extenuating circumstances making sex insufficient, which have nothing to do with the actual act, such as stress, prior experiences, and cultural or religious conditioning.

“As such, ‘bad’ sex can be all situations where individuals aren’t receiving emotional or physical satisfaction, where one partner is selfish, and where there is no connection or compatibility between partners,” she explained.

Conversely, Muratore cautioned against seeing “good” sex as a one-size-fits-all approach. The spectrum of sexuality, including asexuality, is relevant.

‘Good’ and ‘bad’ sex today

Our access to sexual content has exploded, but it’s not enough to completely eradicate unsatisfying sex. A survey carried out in 2021 by OnePoll revealed 1 in 5 Americans have experienced more than 10 awful sexual encounters, and 2 in 5 have gone as far as to stop in the middle because the experience was so unpleasant. Established couples weren’t immune, either: half admitted their current partner was the worst sexual partner they’d had.

The quantity of information is part of the problem. It can be so overwhelming that people opt out of reading at all, said Debbie Rivers, a relationship coach in Australia. Instead, they learn from porn, which Rivers said is far from realistic and can warp their views on sex, particularly for men.

“Reading information is quite different from experiencing it, and people often don’t know what they don’t know, especially if they have never experienced what good sex actually is,” she said.

Acknowledging gender disparities is important, as well, as sexual encounters vary for each.

“Often, we think that people see and experience the world as we do, and that isn’t true here,” Rivers explained. “We project how we are onto other people.”

Story pointed to the changing goals of sex.

“Nowadays, sex is seen as a critical element of broader wellness and well-being, and essential for a person’s mental, emotional and physical health,” she said.

Rivers and Story agreed that the pros of a healthy sex life can:

  • Improve connections to others and lead to more intimate relationships
  • Improve self-confidence and willingness to try new sexual activities
  • Increase romantic gestures (gifts, dates, vacations, displays of affection and telling each other “I love you”)
  • Improve your immune system and lower blood pressure
  • Reduce stress, anxiety and depression

With all those benefits, finding out why you aren’t enjoying sex is worth investigating. One way to do this is through masturbation and self-exploration.

Taking the time to become familiar with your body provides a no-pressure atmosphere to discover likes and dislikes, which you can then relay to your partner. Further, self-pleasure can lead to higher self-esteem and increased libido, Story said.

Talk dirty to me

Experts noted that the process of transforming “bad” sex into “good” sex relies on interpersonal communication with your partner. The degree to which couples are comfortable sharing is subjective, and it’s never OK to assume your partner is agreeable to divulging information.

For example, Rivers wondered how you might feel if you discovered your partner was telling their friends how bad you were in bed. The odds are your reaction might be less than stellar.

“The one person that you should be talking to is your partner, as they are the only ones with the ability to change the situation. Sometimes, it can be easier to be naked than to be emotionally vulnerable,” she said.

Discuss your values and boundaries and avoid comparing yourself to others.

“Every couple has a different sex life with a different meaning, a different script and a different frequency,” Muratore explained. “Once you start comparing yourself to those around you, people often feel inadequate and it sets up false expectations for your own relationship. If you want to share how you feel, speak to a friend who can listen to your feelings with empathy, without expectations that they’ll solve your problems.”

If you feel sexually unfulfilled, speak up. Muratore, Rivers and Story all recommended waiting for the right time—namely, not before, during or after sex—to bring up the topic.

Be open and build trust slowly. Focus on the positives, such as what you like, want more of or want to try. This will allow your partner to be more receptive to hearing you out. Avoid absolutes—”you always” or “you never”—and accusations. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements.

Rivers also suggested giving a blame-free lighthearted sex review the following day.

The most important thing to remember is that it takes two to tango. After a sexual encounter, both of you should walk away feeling sexually gratified, so take the time to learn your partner’s likes and preferences, too.

“Sex is an important aspect of a relationship,” Muratore said. “However, each person’s sex needs to be considered.”

Story noted that it’s never too late to start having open conversations about sex with your partner.

“By sharing fantasies, likes, dislikes and expectations, you can learn about each other and create the best possible experience for all,” she said.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Getting too excited can stop men from orgasming

– But there’s a solution

By &

The way sex is portrayed in pop culture films and music could easily give you the idea that it, at least physically, should happen easily – particularly for men.

Sex may seem like a straightforward activity but it actually involves a high degree of coordination between the brain and body parts. Recent data suggests that erectile dysfunction affects around one in five UK men, with the figure rising to 50% for the 40-70 age group.

With this data in mind, we set out to explore how we could mathematically model the essence of sexual response in men and improve the experience. We found that too much psychological arousal before or during sexual stimulation can make it difficult to climax.

Until recently, little was known scientifically about physiology and psychology of what happens when people are having sex, partly because of the taboo around it. A breakthrough came in the 1960s with the work of US researchers William Masters and Virgina Johnson. They invited over 380 women and over 300 men to a lab and observed them having sex, taking notes of the physiological changes that happened.

Having collected data from over 10,000 sex acts, Masters and Johnson published their results in 1966 in their Human Sexual Response paper. It proposed a paradigm of the human sexual response cycle as a sequence of excitement, plateau, orgasm, resolution. For each of these stages Masters and Johnson described in minute detail physiological changes in genital areas, as well as more general reactions, such as hyperventilation, increased pulse and blood pressure, and involuntary sweating immediately after orgasm.

While sexual responses in women are less understood, the Masters-Johnson sexual response cycle for men has stood the test of time and is still the best representation of the stages men go through when having sex. Data collected by later studies showed that female sexual responses are more diverse and don’t follow the linear progression of excitement-plateau-orgasm-resolution of the Masters-Johnson model.

Practical insights

One of the criticisms of the Masters-Johnson framework was that it did not account for psychological component of sexual response. In our mathematical model, we wanted to capture interactions between physiological and psychological aspects of sexual response in men. Our model focused on how the levels of physiological and psychological arousal (turn-on) change during sexual stimulation.

We combined data about physiological responses from the Masters-Johnson study with insights from five functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) studies of people having sex from 2003 to 2011. fMRI measures the small changes in blood flow that occur with brain activity.

Our model made two assumptions. First, that psychological turn on increases when someone is physically excited, from watching porn or from observing a partner and interacting with them. We also assumed that after sex, psychological excitement eventually subsides.

Getting over excited

The results of our model show that if a man becomes psychologically overly excited, either due to their initial level of psychological turn-on before, or during sex, this can be detrimental to their chances of achieving orgasm. One explanation for this is that when someone is overly excited they are too focused on their sexual performance or achieving an orgasm.

This can cause anxiety, which is itself a state of psychological overstimulation. As a result, people can come to a frustrating state of being agonisingly close to the point of climax yet not being able to reach it. The solution to this is to mentally switch-off and relax to allow your psychological arousal to decrease.

Another finding of our model is that the level of physical arousal decreases with psychological stimulation. Although this may seem counter-intuitive, it fits with the data from fMRI studies from around 15 years ago, in which 21 men were put inside an fMRI scanner and asked to bring themselves to orgasm either through self-stimulation or with the help of their partners.

The results showed that right before orgasm, many areas of the brain become deactivated. These include the amygdala (responsible for processing emotions and threatening stimuli) frontal cortical regions (controls judgement and decision making) and orbitofrontal cortex (integrates sensory input and takes part in decision making for emotional and reward-related behaviour).

So orgasm is associated with letting go – it’s a mental release as much as a physical one.

The same result follows from the Yerkes-Dodson law, which over 100 years ago established that for some tasks optimal physical performance is achieved with intermediate levels of psychological arousal. For example, difficult or intellectually demanding tasks may require a lower level of arousal (to facilitate concentration), whereas tasks demanding stamina or persistence need higher levels of arousal (to increase motivation).

 

Mathematical models have already helped us understand the dynamics of other physiological processes, such as blood circulation, heart disease, cancer, neural firing in the brain. Applying them to such complex phenomenon such as sexual response can provide insights that can help improve sexual performance and develop new approaches to treatment of sexual dysfunction.

What next?

Women have a greater variety of sexual responses that can include single or multiple orgasms.

Recent data suggests that while heterosexual men achieve orgasm about 95% of the time, the equivalent figure for heterosexual women is a measly 65%.

Our next step would be to explore how to develop a mathematical model to represent the dynamics of female sexual response using the latest Basson’s circular model, which will hopefully help close the orgasm gap.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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This is how we do it

— ‘She sets a timer for sex and my job is just to enjoy what she’s doing to me’

Stella loves her new-found desire, while Satya is learning how to worry less. And they’re saving their long sessions for the weekend

As told to

Stella, 31 — The thing about lesbian sex is it takes a while

I’ve never found a sexual partner so attractive. When Satya gets naked I immediately feel weak. Soon after we started dating, I was sitting on her sofa after a night out and she put on a sexy, romantic song and gave me a really slow lapdance. She is an amazing dancer and held eye contact without laughing. I was really turned on, but I also felt very nerdy, like an undeserving teenage boy.

Feeling almost painfully desperate because you are so full of desire is a new experience for me and, unexpectedly, I love it.

In previous relationships I have been accused of wanting to have sex less than my partners, which is a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy because it’s not a very sexy dynamic if your partner is always itching for it, and you’re the mean one, always withholding.

I often shut my eyes when boyfriends orgasmed because it gave me the ick.

Now often I feel the most turned on when I have to work for it a bit – when Satya doesn’t initially want it as much as me and I have to seduce her.

Satya can find it difficult to orgasm, so we’re working on that together. I get it, because I found it difficult for most of my 20s. For a long time I was convinced I was asexual. Partly that’s because I hadn’t realised I was a lesbian. When I had sex with boyfriends I suppose I got off on the mechanics of it, but I sometimes felt sickened by the closeness of it all. I often shut my eyes when they orgasmed because it gave me the ick.

Recently, Satya and I have started doing special exercises to try to make it easier for her to climax. I will set a timer for 20 minutes, and touch her, and I will stop when the timer goes off, no matter what. The point is to take the pressure off finishing, and concentrate on pleasure.

Most of the time we pencil in a session for the weekend because the thing about lesbian sex is it takes a while. You’re taking it in turns, so you need an hour, absolute minimum. You can’t have a quickie in the same way. If it’s 11pm on a weeknight you can’t get started: you’d be up all night! We like to give it a whole afternoon.

Satya, 33 — I really like that when Stella and I are having sex there’s no procreation, there’s just pleasure

I met Stella at a party and I remember noticing how self-possessed she was. She didn’t know that many people there but she was entirely at ease. A year on, sometimes I’ll look at her from across the room when we’re out and be struck by that quality all over again. I’ll watch her talking to someone and she’ll be all composed and beautiful, and I’ll think: I’m going home with you.

I’d had sex with one woman before I met Stella, but only had relationships with men. I find it difficult to orgasm with a partner, and I have tended to stop my exes concentrating on me in the bedroom because I worry I take too long. Stella won’t stand for that.

I used to make the kind of noises I’d heard in porn, mostly to reassure my male partner that he was doing well

She introduced this exercise where she sets a timer on her phone and my job is to just enjoy what she’s doing. I know it’s going to end so don’t panic about her getting bored or tired, which are my main concerns and turn me off. Before she puts the timer on, she reminds me I should stop her if I don’t like something and she will never be hurt or offended.

Another rule is her focusing on me, but I’m not allowed to make any sounds. That’s helpful because I used to make the kind of noises I’d heard in porn, mostly to reassure my male partner that he was doing well (even though he often wasn’t). One of the many wonderful things about being with a woman is they’re not so convinced by the fake noises other women make in bed. I also really like that when Stella and I are having sex there’s no procreation, there’s just pleasure. It makes things much more open and exciting.

The knowledge that I’m attracted to women didn’t strike me like a lightning bolt – it was a slow realisation. I go over it in my head a lot: how did this happen? Is everyone pansexual? Or are all women actually lesbians? Or is it just a random coincidence that I’ve fallen in love with Stella and she happens to be a woman? I think about how much I love her and how happy we are every day.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Does Penis Size Actually Matter?

By Adrienne Santos-Longhurst

What’s the short answer?

No, penis size doesn’t matter — at least not in terms of desirability or function.
Its size has zero bearing on its ability to give and receive pleasure or do any of what it’s supposed to do.

That’s not to say that some people don’t prefer a bigger or smaller one, but that’s a matter of perceived preference, kind of like pineapple on pizza. To each their own.

Need some reassurance — or better yet, proof? Read on.

Bigger isn’t necessarily better

Contrary to the bull you might hear in the locker room or media, a bigger dick isn’t everything.

Bigger-than-average penises have been associated with a higher risk of injury and infection.

Extra length can also make some positions especially painful.

Too much girth can cause tearing if you’re not careful, especially during anal sex. Then there’s the whole choking and gag reflex to contend with during oral.

Of course, there are ways around these things, but it just goes to show that having a huge D isn’t all that.

Smaller isn’t necessarily bad

A smaller D is automatically easier to handle, which means all involved can focus on pleasure rather than pain or trying to figure out how the eff you’re gonna get THAT in there.

It’s certainly easier for fitting in the mouth. And when it comes to anal, a smaller peen is basically top dog.

Like any size penis, any perceived shortcomings are easily — and enjoyably — rectified with the right position.

And average is, well, smaller than you probably think

Most people with penises — around 85 percent — overestimate what average is when it comes to dick size and are convinced everyone else is packing something a lot beefier.

Here’s a dose of reality based on the most recent stats on schlong size:

  • The average penis length is 3.6 in (9.1 cm) when flaccid and 5.2 in (13.1 cm) when erect.
  • Girth-wise, the average flaccid penis measures 3.66 (9.31 cm) around and 4.59 (11.66 cm) in while erect.

To be clear: Size has nothing to do with stamina

You can be hung like the proverbial stallion and still lack stamina in the sack.

A big dick won’t last longer than a smaller one or keep you from running out of steam or cumming faster than you’d like.

It doesn’t affect fertility, either

If you’ve got baby-making on the mind, the last thing you need to do is stress about your size.

For starters, sperm is produced in the testicles — not the penis. Plus, there’s evidence that stress can reduce sperm quality and affect fertility.

FYI, stress can also put a kibosh on sexual pleasure, boners, and negatively impact your overall health.

The only thing size can do is affect your game — for better or worse

Peen size can totally affect your game, but how comes down to you.

Learn how to make the most of what you’ve got and all the other ways there are to give pleasure and you’ll be a rockstar. Focus on size alone and you’ll flop — literally and figuratively.

For example, some folks neglect their skillset because they think a big dick is all they need to rock someone’s world… and it’s not.

Others may let worries of a small D drain their confidence, causing them to overcompensate in other ways.

All of these things can take a mental toll on the penis-haver and suck the fun out of a sex sesh for all involved.

How to maximize what you’re working with

Not to keep hammering away at it, but it’s not the size of your penis that matters as much as what you do with it.

There’s nothing quite like leaving your partner writhing in ecstasy to thrust your confidence sky high, which will serve you well, in and out of the bedroom.

Here’s how to max the crap out of what you’ve got and feel good about what you’re working with — whether you lean bigger, smaller, or fall someplace between.

If you’re more endowed

The key to working with a bigger-than-average penis isn’t even really about your penis — at least not at first.

Making sure your partner is super-aroused will make it easier for them to handle your beast of a boner, so some extra focus on foreplay is a must. And lube. Lots of lube.

Use your mouth, tongue, or fingers to tease their erogenous zones, focusing on all the usual suspects, like the nips and genitals, as well as some less explored but surprisingly erotic bits, like the inner arms of behind the knees.

If you’re both ready to move onto penetration, choose positions that allow your partner a little more control over the depth. Having them on top is always a good way to go.

First, they can take you in at a pace that feels good. Plus, you get a bangin’ view of all the action and easy access to their other parts for maximum arousal.

If you’re less endowed

If your penis falls to the smaller side of the spectrum, focus on positions that let you go deep, like doggy style. Take it deeper by having your partner lower their head and chest while arching their back.

If you have a thinner penis, choose positions that make for a tighter squeeze. This can be any sex position, really, so long as your partner keeps their legs tight together.

Missionary, face-down, and them-on-top positions all work with closed legs.

And don’t let your wang worries make you forget about other types of sex. Add oral sex to the menu as the appetizer or even the main course.

And when giving, incorporate your hands or a sex toy to increase the chances of a clitoral or anal orgasm.

And speaking of orgasms, know that the chances of having them increases greatly with manual or oral stimulation than with intercourse.

You may also find it easier to hit the G spot, A spot, or P spot using your fingers or a toy. Seriously. Give it a try. You can thank us later.

If you’re somewhere in the middle

Well look at you and your not-too-big and not-too-small D, Goldicocks!

In terms of sex positions, anything goes if you aren’t trying to accommodate a penis that falls outside the average range. This is your chance to experiment like mad and fine tune the positions that you and your partner enjoy the most.

As long as your partner’s up for it, mix things up with sex in different places or consider exploring your kinky side.

Sensation play using sex toys, feathers, and ice cubes is a good start, especially if you’re BDSM-curious.

The bottom line

Being good in bed — or anywhere else you choose to get busy — isn’t about penis size, but how you handle it.

Figuring out what feels good for you and your partner and choosing moves that make the most of your penis type will serve you better than worrying will, so get to it!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Can You Have a Bad Orgasm?

— When thinking about orgasms, many of us associate them with feelings of pleasure. However, this isn’t always the case. Research has found that people experience bad orgasms, even during consensual sexual activity. Let’s explore how these orgasms can happen and the reasons they occur.

By Rhiannon John, MSexol

  • A study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that many people had experienced a bad orgasm during consensual sexual activity, adversely affecting their sexuality, relationships, and mental health.
  • Reasons for bad orgasms included weak orgasms due to societal emphasis on orgasms, narrow gender roles and sexual scripts, poor intimacy, painful orgasms, shame and guilt about sex, gender dysphoria, and racial fetishization.
  • People can manage physical and emotional needs related to bad orgasms by seeking safety, using at-home treatments such as heat or ice packs, and communicating with their partners.

Do bad orgasms happen?

Although orgasms are typically thought of as pleasurable experiences, research published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior indicates that people engaging in consensual sexual activities can actually experience bad orgasms.

The study surveyed 726 participants about past sexual experiences where they may have felt pressure to have sex, pressure to orgasm, or agreed to sex they didn’t really desire. The findings revealed that around 55% of participants had experienced a bad orgasm in such situations.

These types of orgasms were found to have adverse effects on the participant’s sexuality, relationships, and mental health.

Reasons why people experience a bad orgasm

The study found that there were multiple reasons that people experienced a bad orgasm.

Weak orgasm

Some people in the study reported that their orgasms were weaker and less pleasurable than they had in the past. A reason for this occurring could be the emphasis that we as a society put on orgasms as the defining ending of sex, as well as an indicator of its success. Attempting to have an orgasm, even when we’re not really into it, could cause orgasms to be weaker.

Narrow gender roles and sexual scripts

Similar to the reasons above, some participants in the study found that narrow gender roles and sexual scripts led to negative orgasms. Some women within the study felt pressured to orgasm to please their partners, and men also experienced unpleasurable orgasms due to these narrow gender roles and sexual scripts.

Some participants stated that they felt pressured to perform and meet the unrealistic stereotypes of being able to orgasm easily or always wanting sex. Additionally, some bisexual men felt pressure to orgasm when having sex with a woman to not be perceived as gay, which resulted in a bad orgasm.

Poor intimacy

Other study participants claimed that orgasms with a partner without a close intimate connection were unpleasant. A bad physical and emotional connection with a partner may make it difficult for some to fully relax and let go during sexual activity, hindering the ability to reach orgasm or making it less pleasurable.

Painful orgasms

Some participants stated that the reason for their bad orgasms was pain. While pain during orgasms can indicate sexual dysfunction, many participants in the study attributed their pain to specific circumstances, such as their bodies not being sufficiently aroused for sex, being too tired, or the orgasm taking too long to occur.

Shame and guilt

Other participants attributed their bad orgasms to their shame and guilt about sex due to religious and sociocultural factors.

Gender dysphoria

Gender dysphoria, particularly for transgender individuals, was identified as another reason for unpleasant orgasms. For some, an orgasm served as an anxious reminder of the mismatch between their biological sex and their gender identity, leading to an unpleasant orgasm.

Fetishization

People of color who participated in the study reported that racial fetishization caused moral conflicts about the sexual experience, leading to negative orgasms.

Other reasons people may experience a bad orgasm

Aside from the reasons mentioned above, some sexual dysfunctions can cause an orgasm to feel bad or unpleasant.

Anorgasmia

Anorgasmia is characterized by delayed, infrequent, or absent orgasms or experiencing orgasms that are significantly less intense, even after being sexually aroused and adequately stimulated. It can happen to people of all sexes, although it is less common in people with penises.

For people with a vulva, it is a symptom of sexual dysfunction — female orgasmic disorder, while in penis owners, it is likely a symptom of delayed ejaculation. Anorgasmia is caused by several factors, including stress, depression, anxiety, relationship factors, menopause, and certain medications.

Anhedonia

Anhedonia is a rare condition characterized by the inability to experience pleasure from an orgasm. This phenomenon is commonly observed in individuals with penises and is sometimes referred to as “pleasure dissociative orgasmic dysfunction” or “ejaculatory anhedonia.” Despite being able to ejaculate normally, individuals with anhedonia do not experience any pleasure during the act.

While they may achieve an erection and recognize that they are having an orgasm, the neural pathways in their brain responsible for interpreting these sensations as pleasurable are absent. The cause of the disorder is unknown, but for most people suffering from sexual anhedonia, it is unlikely that it will be permanent.

What to do if you experience a bad orgasm?

Depending on the reason for your bad orgasm, there are different methods to help you manage any physical or emotional needs.

  • Seek safety. If you feel unsafe for any reason, it’s important that you seek safety as soon as you can do so safely.
  • Use at-home treatments. If the cause of your bad orgasm was pain, you could use at-home remedies such as an ice pack and a heat pack to help alleviate the pain. If you have a small tear on the genitals, place an ice pack on the affected area to help with the pain. If you experience pelvic pain, a heat pack on the lower part of the stomach will help.
  • Communicate. If you feel pressured into having an orgasm to please your partner, you should communicate this to them so that you can work on ways to increase pleasure in further sexual experiences.

Many people will experience a bad orgasm in their lifetime. However, if you consistently experience them, it’s an indication that you may need to speak to a doctor along with a mental health professional, such as a sex therapist, in order to understand why it’s happening, and work out an individual treatment plan, to prevent it from happening in the future.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Expert Shares Why You May Be Struggling To Orgasm With Your Partner

BY Tessa Somberg

At various points in our lives, orgasms can be the ultimate bliss and the ultimate frustration. Remember that our relationships with our bodies can be fluid and changeable, and sometimes, this can change the sex we have with our partners. For many women, achieving orgasm with a partner can be a challenge — even when achieving orgasm alone, or with the assistance of something akin to a handy-dandy vibrator, comes easily. We may start to blame ourselves, our partners may start to blame themselves, and the bedroom can start to feel anxiety-provoking, rather than a relaxing space to unwind and enjoy all the pleasures our bodies can feel.

Should you be looking for solutions to easier orgasms, but you’re having trouble honing in on what could be addressed, we have some ideas for you. Women spoke exclusively with Aliyah Moore, Ph.D., a certified sex therapist, to better understand what barriers might need to be broken to achieve orgasm with your partner. She said, “Sex is not a performance, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. Take the pressure off of yourself and focus on enjoying the moment. Don’t be discouraged if things don’t go as planned; it happens to the best of us.”

Put your body first

Whether you have recently been struggling to orgasm in the bedroom, or have been struggling for some time, the stress of wondering, “Am I going to orgasm this time?” could be enough to stop you from being in the moment. Speaking exclusively with Women, Dr. Aliyah Moore said, “Sometimes, our brains can get in the way of our bodies. If you’re too worried about whether or not you’re going to orgasm, you might end up putting too much pressure on yourself and making it harder to actually get there.” In order to combat this, remind yourself that when it comes to sex, there is no race to the finish; there is no “right” amount of time it “should” take to get to orgasm. Instead, feeling and embracing pleasure throughout the sex act is part of the experience.

Should you feel your mind racing during sex, and the anxiety over your orgasm has set in, try to redirect your thoughts to the physical sensations in your body. Remind yourself that it is okay to let go of the expectation of orgasm. Perhaps you will be surprised how far that can take you.

Prioritize quality stimulation

Remember also that, when engaging in sex with a new partner, it could simply take time to learn about each other’s bodies. And, of course, knowing your own body is key. “Masturbation can be a helpful way to learn what types of touch and stimulation feel good for you,” Dr. Aliyah Moore said, speaking exclusively with Women. “When you know what feels good for you, it can be easier to communicate that to your partner and guide them to provide the stimulation you need to reach orgasm.”

While you might feel self-conscious speaking up to your partner when you want them to do something different, keep in mind that your partner wants to please you. You can communicate before sex, or gently guide your partner through movements that feel good to you during sex as well. “Approach the issue with empathy and an open mind, and work together to find solutions that work for both of you,” Dr. Moore said. “Try to avoid blame or criticism and instead focus on finding ways to support each other and address the issue together.” Do not be afraid to tell your partner when a certain action does not feel good, either. Incorporating longer foreplay into your sexual encounters has also been shown to increase the rate of orgasm, according to a 2014 article published in Human Reproductive Biology.

Review your medications

Being on certain kinds of medications, namely antidepressants such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, aka SSRIs, can also significantly impact one’s ease in having an orgasm. For those whose depression symptoms are significantly improving on medication, but are still having trouble in bed, there are some ways you can work around side effects that might include lack of sex drive, or difficulty reaching orgasm.

First, know that over time, the side effects of SSRIs on your libido can sometimes fade as your body adjusts to the medication. Should you have just started your treatment and feel frustrated with the changes in your sex life, do what you can to be gentle with yourself, and give the circumstances some patience. Should the issue persist, “Talk to your doctor,” Dr. Aliyah Moore suggested, speaking exclusively with Women. “If you’re experiencing difficulty reaching orgasm, it’s a good idea to talk to your doctor to rule out any underlying medical conditions or medication side effects that could be contributing to the problem. Your doctor may be able to suggest treatments or adjustments to your medication that could help,” she said. This could include anything from lowering the dose when appropriate, to switching medications to see if the issue continues.

Assess your physical health issues

A number of physical issues could also hinder your ability to orgasm in bed. One is anorgasmia. According to Mayo Clinic, “Anorgamsia is delayed, infrequent or absent orgasms — or significantly less-intense orgasms — after sexual arousal and adequate sexual stimulation. Women who have problems with orgasms and who feel significant distress about those problems may be diagnosed with anorgasmia.”

There are other issues, too. Speaking exclusively with Women, Dr. Aliyah Moore said, “Unfortunately, certain health conditions can impact our sexual function. Diabetes, multiple sclerosis, and spinal cord injuries are just a few examples. But even things like hormonal imbalances or thyroid issues can play a role.”

There are also several kinds of sexual dysfunction disorders that could contribute to issues with orgasming, where symptoms could include having pain during sex, perhaps caused by ovarian cysts or fibroids, and having a lack of sexual desire or arousal. Age does tend to be a factor in many sexual dysfunction disorders, however. For any number of these concerns, see a doctor or specialist for treatment plans and ideas.

Consider the role of past trauma

ƒsubPast trauma can also be a sensitive barrier to achieving orgasm. When you have had a traumatic experience surrounding sex, reclaiming your body can be a process that necessitates care, love, attention, and trust. Survivors of sexual assault, for example, might experience self-blame, disgust, or otherwise feel disconnected from their bodies, which can make sexual experiences hard to enjoy. Some may even have flashbacks of the traumatic incident. Know that it is possible to repair your relationship with your body and with sex, even when it feels challenging. Understanding your triggers and boundaries, as well as engaging in robust communication, are just a few ideas that can help shape what you want out of your sexual experiences.

Perhaps you might simply be having issues in your relationship that make having an orgasm difficult. “If past trauma or relationship issues are impacting your ability to orgasm, working with a therapist can be helpful in addressing these issues,” said Dr. Aliyah Moore, speaking exclusively with Women. She continued, “A therapist who specializes in sexual issues can help you work through any underlying psychological factors that may be impacting your ability to reach orgasm.” And where therapy is financially unfeasible, explore sexual education resources online. The sex exploration app Ferly, for example, offers expert guides, insight, and community for a small fee each month.

In the end, Dr. Moore advised, “Be gentle with yourself and your partner: It’s important to remember that sexual function can be impacted by various factors, and it’s not necessarily anyone’s fault.”

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How to set sexual boundaries

— Having boundaries establishes trust between partners. Here’s how to do it.

By Anna Iovine

Boundaries are the latest buzzword in the mental wellness space, but with good reason: They allow us to express what we want, and feel safer in our relationships.

That being said, setting boundaries isn’t easy — especially in the bedroom. “In a culture that applauds people for being as easy-going and flexible, it can feel like we are inconveniencing people by setting clear sexual boundaries,” said queer sex therapist and expert for sex toy brand LELO, Casey Tanner.

In reality, however, setting boundaries builds trust between partners. If someone knows their boundaries will be respected, they’ll feel more confident taking risks and exploring with you, Tanner said. We asked experts like them to explain what boundaries even are, and how you can set them with your partner.

What are boundaries?

The word “boundary” gets thrown around a lot, and not always correctly. “I set a boundary for my partner,” for example, isn’t a boundary, said relationship, sex, and mental health therapist Rachel Wright. Why? “Boundaries are things that we set for ourselves that we are not available for,” she said. “‘I can’t talk tonight’ is a boundary. ‘I am not going to participate in this conversation if you’re talking to me like that’ is a boundary.”

With sexual boundaries, it’s the same thing: It’s our own preferences. Examples of sexual boundaries Wright said are: “I don’t like to be touched here,” and, “I’m not interested in anal sex.”

“Whatever the case is,” said Wright, “it has to start with ‘I.'”

Wright’s advice is to, first and foremost, figure out what these boundaries are for you. Acknowledge that they can and likely will change over time — just like our desires can change.

“You are the only person who can set your sexual boundaries,” echoed Tanner. After you communicate them to your partner(s), though, everyone involved is accountable to holding them and checking-in over time.

Sometimes, boundaries may be more nuanced than an absolute yes or no, and it may require self-exploration to figure out where you draw the line.

One challenge people face is being unsure where their boundaries lie, they continued. Sometimes, boundaries may be more nuanced than an absolute yes or no, and it may require self-exploration to figure out where you draw the line. “This is why it’s so important to embrace a consent practice that allows you to say ‘no’ halfway through trying something,” said Tanner. “You can always rescind your consent, even if initially you thought you were interested.”

If setting sexual boundaries feels scary, Tanner recommends setting non-sexual boundaries with people you know to be supportive. Try saying “no” to an event you don’t feel like going to, for example. By practicing boundaries in a lower-stakes setting, you’ll be more prepared to advocate for yourself in sexual situations.

Contain the boundary conversation

Once you establish what your boundaries are, the next step is to share them with your partner. “A beautiful way to do that is through asking for a container,” Wright said. A container, in this instance, means a specific time and place to have an important conversation. A way to ask for that is, “I would love to have a conversation with you about sexual boundaries. When would be a good time?”

“You can always rescind your consent, even if initially you thought you were interested.”

We may ambush our loved ones with these sensitive conversations and launch into them without consent, which doesn’t go over well. If someone had a bad day at work, for example, their mind will be elsewhere than what you want to talk about. This could leave you feeling rejected — but asking for a container can help this.

If such an in-person conversation is difficult for you — or you’re meeting someone for a hookup for the first time — you can discuss boundaries via text or dating app beforehand, Tanner said. Try initiating a conversation about limits and desires prior to meeting.

How to tell your partner your sexual boundaries

Once you establish a time and place (preferably private, say your living room), now you state your boundaries and have an open conversation.

Discuss any areas of your body that you prefer not to be touched, penetrated, or have contact with without a barrier (like a condom) — or at least without consent first each time, said sexologist and therapist Dr. Joy Berkheimer, LMFT.

Tell your partner any words or scenarios you may find uncomfortable, and ask them the same. Examples Berkheimer named are being too dominant or submissive, introducing toys, or refusing toys.

Discuss erotic possibilities that are on or off the table; read Mashable’s guide for discussing kink with your vanilla partner. If needed, introduce a safe word, or a prearranged word to stop a sexual activity in the moment.

Remember that you don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you have a boundary. If it feels good to share, by all means, do; if you don’t, however, that’s okay. “Even a gut feeling that says ‘this doesn’t feel right’ is a valid reason to set a sexual boundary,” Tanner said.

If you have multiple partners, you can also have different boundaries with different people! Boundaries with a longtime partner will look different than those with someone new.

Stay open when speaking about your intimate values, and embrace the fact that we’ve all absorbed varying narratives about sexuality and our bodies, Berkheimer said.

“We’ve been informed by our families culture, possibly personal trauma, past relationships or media,” Berkheimer continued. “There is so much messaging that happens way before we ever get physical, so to feel safe with intimate partners, they have to be willing to show us they will uphold the boundaries we request for our mental, emotional and physical health.”

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From scheduling sex to being selfish

— 10 ways to improve intimacy

By

1. Talk about any problems

Things seem to work well without really thinking about it. Then, when it starts going wrong, you don’t quite know how to talk about it, so the situation gets to a point where you’re stuck and you don’t know how to deal with it. The first stage in addressing this is for each person to spend a couple of days thinking about what they see the problem is, and then agreeing to sit down together for a discussion. Take turns saying: “This is what I think the problem is, and this is how it is affecting me.” Out of this comes the opportunity to really get to the heart of the matter and work out what is needed.

2. Look for the reasons why sex might have changed

How did sex use to be? What was intimacy like? What has changed? What are the blocks to sorting it out? There may have been occasions when you might not have wanted to be sexual or you might not have been in the mood, and that got misinterpreted, or there were a few times when you got rejected. And then you get into a pattern of not having sex or avoiding it.

3. Talk about how you first met. And make an effort to look nice

Spend an evening chatting about what you liked about the other person. You can remind each other of what drew you both together. Do that on the first night, then on the next night, dress up, go out for a meal and make an effort to feel and look special. What you’re likely to find is that you’re feeling much more connected and that can lead to noticing desire, feeling sexual, and you can reignite something that has perhaps been lost for a while.

4. Every time you leave the house (and come back) make a point of having a kiss or a cuddle

There is no intention that it is going to lead to sex, you just get used to the idea you can reclaim intimacy. Make a point of saying, “I like what you’re wearing”, send texts to each other throughout the day saying “missing you” and “look forward to seeing you”. In this way you’re recreating some of the behaviours you probably did at the beginning of your relationship and you are giving the message, “I’m noticing you and I like you”, so that the sense of feeling closer to the other person, the emotional intimacy, starts creeping back in.

5. Schedule regular time to be intimate

This is making a commitment to maintaining the relationship by saying: even though sometimes we don’t feel like it, we realise the importance of this and will try to be sexual. It is about not letting gaps appear so then it starts becoming more normal to not have sex. What your scheduling says is that Friday nights are your night, you’ll put some effort into making it special and this can lead to greater intimacy. Perhaps this means having a shower together, or maybe dressing up – above all it is about making a statement that your physical relationship is important, and you are prepared to put in the groundwork, instead of saying it is just about sex.

6. Write down on pieces of paper what really works for you both

Then fold them up and put all of the bits of paper in a jar. I encourage couples to sit down and work out some of the things that each person particularly likes when they are being sexual. Then, whenever you’re going to have some intimate time, pull out a piece of paper and whatever’s there, you’ve got the chance to try. It enables an element of fun and excitement to return into the relationship which can be helpful to maintain the spark.

7. If there is a high level of anxiety attached to sex, introduce mindfulness

I always suggest pelvic floor exercises, because this makes you focus on your genitals, so you become much more tuned into your body. For a man, this can increase the quality of his erection and the chances of more ejaculatory control. For a woman, it is likely to help her to regain a bit more feeling within the vaginal walls and it might help towards arousal.

8. For older couples, slow everything right down

Try having a bath together, so you feel good and in tune with each other. Pay more attention to what position feels comfortable. If there are issues of mobility and flexibility it can be useful to try out positions first. You might want to do this while you’re still dressed when it can feel easier (and warmer).

9. Take turns to be selfish

Say, “I’d really like it if you could give me a back rub”, or “I just really want the opportunity to touch you”. I often suggest couples go to bed and have a period of time when you’re both naked without needing to be sexual. Just lying next to each other, feeling the other person’s skin on your skin can be a very intimate and nourishing moment.

10. Rediscover how to be intimate with each other

There are many reasons why intimacy can change in a relationship. Pregnancy and birth, ageing, body shape, resentment, arguments not being resolved, anxiety, the menopause, erectile problems … It is important to understand why you’ve reached the point where things are dysfunctional, but it is always possible to make changes. I’ve worked with couples who haven’t had sex in six years and it has been a privilege to help them rediscover how to be intimate with each other.

Peter Saddington is a clinical supervisor and a relationship and sex therapist working for Relate.

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For cancer survivors, sexual intimacy can pose unexpected issues

— ‘I feel as if my body has betrayed me,’ one survivor says

Brenna Gatimu and her husband, Nimmo Kariuki, tend to their youngest son, Kylian, in Casper, Wyo. Gatimu was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer in 2020.

By Netana H. Markovitz

Brenna Gatimu, 34, of Casper, Wyo., was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer in 2020. She quickly had chemoradiation, and both her breasts and ovaries were removed. She now takes a medication that suppresses any remaining estrogen in her body.

“I feel as if my body has betrayed me, like all the things that make me biologically a woman — the estrogen, the progesterone, my ovaries and my breasts — everything had to be removed and stopped,” Gatimu said.

Gatimu’s experience is not uncommon. As cancer survival rates in the United States improve, many survivors are left with permanent changes to their body — outwardly and functionally. Some feel particularly unprepared for persistent changes in their sexual functioning.

“Sexuality is a very big issue, and unfortunately, the avenues to get help are often limited because people are concentrating on helping [patients] live through cancer, and really concentrating on quality of life but devoid of sexuality,” said Don Dizon, a professor of medicine and surgery at Brown University and the founder of the Sexual Health First Responders Clinic at the Lifespan Cancer Institute.

Sexual health and quality of life

In 2022, approximately 18 million people with a history of cancer were living in the United States. The number is expected to increase over time.

“As people live long lives after cancer … these questions on the permanent, long-term side effects of treatment are something we have to address,” said Sharon Bober, founding director of the sexual health program at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute and an associate psychiatry professor at Harvard Medical School.

“I feel as if my body has betrayed me, like all the things that make me biologically a woman — the estrogen, the progesterone, my ovaries and my breasts — everything had to be removed and stopped,” Gatimu says.

“We are looking not just at what people do functionally, but we’re also thinking about people’s experiences of themselves being whole, having a sense of integrity in their body — even after things change,” Bober said. “We’re talking about an experience of how people relate to a partner, we’re talking about dating, we’re talking about emotional and sexual relationships that undergo changes themselves.”

“We’re also thinking about people’s experiences of themselves being whole, having a sense of integrity in their body — even after things change.” — Sharon Bober, founding director of the sexual health program at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute

Some cancer centers have created programs dedicated exclusively to sexual health for patients with cancer — such as Massachusetts General Hospital and Memorial Sloan Kettering in Manhattan. These centers are still relatively rare, but their numbers are increasing.

Those without access to a comprehensive center should consider seeking out “specific practitioners who have relevant expertise, such as certified menopause specialists, urologists or urogynecologists who specialize in sexual medicine, pelvic floor physical therapists or certified sex therapists in the community,” Bober said in an email.

Gatimu holds some of the medications she takes while Kylian asks if he can have the pills, too.
A family portrait on Gatimu’s wall shows husband Nimmo Kariuki, stepdaughter Paisley Grundhoffer, and sons Malcolm, James and Kylian. The family had the photo taken the day Gatimu completed chemotherapy.

Patients can also access a growing body of information.

“There are really more resources now than there ever have been and there are a lot of organizations that now have really good information and education on their websites,” Bober said. “I would just say people should feel free to access the growing amount of supports that are out there. And that’s the case both for patients and providers.”

For example, the Scientific Network on Female Sexual Health and Cancer has a host of resources, including webinars, a page with links to several online resources and a “find a provider” page to search for help by location. The American Cancer Society also has a fairly comprehensive overview of navigating sex and cancer.

Jacob Lowy in his living room in New York.

Even before intimate encounters, body image can be an issue. Jacob Lowy, 31, a fourth-year medical student at the University of Michigan, was diagnosed with metastatic sarcoma in 2021. Since then, he has had to deal with dating.

“It definitely messed with my psyche a lot to talk to people because it feels like you’re hiding something at first,” Lowy said. “But there’s no real advice for how to do it properly.”

Besides fatigue and surgical complications from his two abdominal surgeries, he has experienced decreased libido and erectile dysfunction.

“I went from feeling … invincible and very strong to my body feels like a wreck on the inside,” Lowy said.

Physicians often don’t discuss sexuality with patients for many reasons, Dizon said. “Partly it’s because I don’t think oncologists are trained in talking about sexuality,” he said.

Lowy spends time with friends on the Lower East Side in New York on March 4.

When sexuality is discussed, much of the talk often focuses on what’s safe — for example, when it is safe to have sex during chemotherapy. Bober said “potential sexual side effects and sexual rehabilitation really is not routinely incorporated into care. So a lot of people struggle on the other side of treatment and feel pretty isolated.”

“I went from feeling … invincible and very strong to my body feels like a wreck on the inside.” — Jacob Lowy

But when the topic is broached, doctors often have treatment recommendations.

Sarah E.A. Tevis, an assistant professor of surgery at the University of Colorado, recently started asking her patients about sex after a patient questionnaire she distributed flagged the issue.

“This wasn’t a common thing I talked to all of my patients about, and ever since I’ve started bringing it up, I feel like almost every single patient I talk to is having some problem that we can probably help with,” Tevis said.

Ask for help or a referral

Even if your oncologist does not know how to help, someone is probably out there who can.

“This is something that people should be empowered about — that as with other aspects of our health, if you’re having issues, give it voice, ask for specific assistance,” Dizon said. “And if your doctor doesn’t know or doesn’t want to discuss it, then ask for a referral.”

For Gatimu, she has done her best to adapt to a new normal but still struggles.

Since treatment, she has experienced vaginal dryness, difficulty achieving orgasm and lack of libido. She also has no sensation in her reconstructed breasts. Gatimu has sought advice through a combination of doctors and friends who are cancer survivors.

Gatimu helps Kylian wake up to get ready for day care on March 1.
Gatimu’s son Malcolm walks past a photo wall his mom and dad put together of past family moments, photos and sayings as he gets ready for school on March 1.

“I still have times where I really struggle with the comparison or the wishful thinking of ‘Oh my gosh, if only this didn’t happen and I didn’t have to live through this, where would [I] be?’ On the positive side, I have gained such a self-awareness and such a self-confidence within myself,” Gatimu said.

One 44-year-old man who was diagnosed with Stage 3 rectal cancer in 2018 underwent chemotherapy and radiation before having surgery that resulted in an ostomy pouch, a bag that collects stool outside the body.

“It’s tough for me not to view my body as … broken,” said the man, who asked not to be named for privacy reasons.

For him, sex with his partner now involves going to the bathroom to empty out the ostomy pouch and ensuring that it is as flat as possible so it does not get in the way. He also takes Viagra for the erectile dysfunction he has had since treatment.

A photo of Gatimu and Kariuki attending an adult prom in Casper, Wyo., that raises money for childhood cancer research.

“I am very fortunate that I have a loving partner who loves me for who I am and we’ve adjusted, but now sex is really tough to have spontaneously,” said the man, who lives in Chapel Hill, N.C.

A common misconception is that only certain cancers affect sex.

“We tend to think of sexual health as an issue [only] for people treated for sex-related cancer,” Dizon said. “But that’s actually not true. There’s a growing literature that even people treated for, say, colon cancer and lung cancer — they actually have issues related to sexuality.”

He points out, for example, that chemotherapy itself can affect the vaginal mucosa, which can cause pain with sex.

Unfortunately, many cancer patients feel alone in their struggles.

No one mentioned sexuality to the Chapel Hill resident, except for a brief, awkward conversation with his radiation oncologist regarding the possibility of infertility after treatment.

“People often will equate sexuality and fertility, but those are very different conversations,” Dizon said.

Lowy organizes his pills for the week.

“Their goal is to save a life.” the Chapel Hill resident said. “And they were very good at doing that. I willingly put my life in their hands, but sex was an afterthought.”

Once he got the courage to broach the subject, he was prescribed Viagra, which has been working well.

“I think the biggest advice I would give is, do not be afraid to ask questions,” he said. “If something isn’t right, talk to the doctors about it.”

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‘When people can talk about sex, they flourish’

— The rise of sexual wellness

Advice on sex is available on myriad apps, sex toys are for sale on the high street, and the science of sexual fufilment is blossoming. Will this focus on sexual wellbeing have the desired effect?

By

Tina was 52 when her long-term relationship ended. She had experienced low libido throughout her perimenopause years, and her relationship had become “pretty much sexless by the end”, so reigniting her sex life felt like a daunting prospect.

But rather than closing the book on her sexuality, Tina turned to a sexual wellness app called Dipsea, and began listening to erotic stories, as well as learning about different self-pleasure and communication techniques.

“I’ve never hugely enjoyed visual pornography and this sounded like something different and worth trying out,” she says. “The app enabled me to explore my sexual wants and fantasies as well as use some of the wellness-focused content, which helped me to feel more confident when dating and navigating having sex again.”

She’s not alone. As attitudes to sex have liberalised, and people increasingly strive for greater physical, mental and social wellbeing, a growing industry in sexual wellness has sprung up. Whereas sex toys only used to be available from sex shops or porn magazines, they can now be bought from high street chemists. Subscription-based apps and websites are offering erotic content alongside relaxation exercises and relationship advice from trained sex counsellors. Sex is no longer taboo, but an integral part of our general wellbeing. But while investors in this industry may have hit the financial G-spot, what does it mean for the rest of us?

Precisely who conceived the term “sexual wellness” is hazy, but the actor Gwyneth Paltrow is credited with catapulting it into the mainstream. In 2015, her lifestyle website Goop.com recommended that women steam-clean their vaginas for extra energy and to rebalance female hormones. Since then, Goop has sparked debates about the pros and cons of jade vaginal eggs, an “aphrodisiac warming potion” called Sex Dust – not to mention the infamous “This Smells Like My Vagina” candle.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop has been credited with initiating the sexual wellness trend – but claims made about the benefits of some of the expensive products it sells lack evidence.

“With the launch of things like Goop, there’s been a much broader, holistic sort of view on what sexual wellness means, and how it can benefit you to be a happier, more confident and satisfied human being,” says Mei-lin Rawlinson, chief of staff at OMGYes, an educational website about female pleasure.

Around the same time Paltrow was preaching the benefits of vaginal purification, OMGYes’s founders were setting out on a mission to use science to help crack a similar nut. Sparked by conversations between friends about how women like to be touched, they realised there was a dearth of academic research on the subject, and little vocabulary for the specific things women find pleasurable.

They partnered with sex researchers to conduct in-depth interviews with more than 3,000 women from across the US, using these insights to develop a trove of educational videos, infographics and how-to’s, designed to educate fee-paying members on how to access greater sexual pleasure.

“Sex is such a core part of life for many people, but it is also a really vulnerable, charged area of life, with lots of taboo. We think that if people can talk about it, learn more about it, learn more about themselves, they can flourish so much more,” Rawlinson says.

In the coronavirus lockdowns, sales of adult toys increased by 25%. Superdrug’s website promotes sex toys with the line: ‘Masturbation is self-celebration’.

Launched in 2015, OMGYes was one of the first sexual wellness platforms, and it now has more than a million users. Research conducted by the platform, in collaboration with Devon Hensel, a professor of sociology and paediatrics at Indiana University, suggests that the benefits of membership aren’t just physical.

They gave 870 women access to the website, and asked them to complete pre- and post-questionnaires to assess their sex-based knowledge and communication skills.

The research, published in the Journal of Sex Research, found that after a month, women reported they had developed a wider repertoire of ways to talk about what they liked sexually and that they felt more positive and confident about understanding what felt good. “These are skills not only important for sex, but also in the context of women’s everyday lives,” Hensel says. Indeed, some of the women also reported an increase in overall agency – such as voicing their thoughts or ideas at work – as a result of this training.

It’s not only educational platforms that are growing in popularity. The global sexual wellness devices market – industry speak for sex toys – was estimated to be worth $19bn in 2021.

With everybody stuck at home due to Covid restrictions, this market experienced a boost. During the first two weeks of UK lockdown alone, orders for adult toys reportedly increased by 25%. But while sales of other consumer categories, such as cycling products, that experienced a “Covid boost” have since fallen back, the sexual wellness market continues to experience accelerated growth.

“I think that’s a good data point to suggest that it is earlier in its life stage. There is more to go for in terms of the number of people who buy these products, and the number of products any one person uses,” says Jacqueline Windsor, UK retail leader for PwC.

She recently co-authored a report on the sexual wellness devices market, and believes several factors may be at play. Interest in general wellness has increased over the past decade, and sexual health and wellbeing are increasingly viewed as central to this. Attitudes to sex are also liberalising, and there has been a shift in sex-toy design away from explicit brands, and towards more discreet and ergonomic models primarily targeting women and couples.

“Commercially, it’s big business, but I think it makes a big statement when we see sex toys and pleasure products on high-street shelves like those in Boots and Selfridges,” says Kate Moyle, a psychosexual therapist and host of the Sexual Wellness Sessions podcast. “It makes the statement that sexual wellbeing should be there, and shouldn’t be taboo or hidden away, and this can have a huge forward impact on how we think and talk about sex, helping us to break away from its links to shame.”

Pleasure isn’t the only benefit: doctors are increasingly recommending vibrator use as a way of treating and preventing conditions such as vaginal dryness and atrophy. Some of these new generation products could go a step further and enhance scientific research into sexual health and orgasm.

Ergonomically designed, the Lioness vibrator is a modern iteration of the classic “rabbit” toy. What really sets it apart though, is the incorporation of sensors to measure pelvic floor movements, such as the rhythmic contractions that accompany orgasm. Paired with an app, this allows users – and (with users’ consent) sex researchers – to better understand how sexual function is affected by factors such as caffeine, alcohol, childbirth, menopause, or medical conditions such as concussion.

“I always tell people that knowledge is pleasure,” says Anna Lee, co-founder and head of engineering at Lioness. “It’s an empowering tool to be curious about your body, and to learn about things that might be changing our pleasure or sexual wellness.”

But the plugging of sexual wellness could also have some pitfalls. Lee worries about the potential for misinformation in the marketing of certain products, and their promotion by social media influencers. For instance, in 2018, Goop was forced to pay $145,000 in civil penalties for making the unsubstantiated claim that jade love eggs were used by women in ancient China to increase sexual energy and pleasure.

“Jade is a porous material that you should never insert [into] your body, and there’s no evidence to indicate that this technique was ever used in ancient China,” Lee says. “We have to be so mindful of how we create this information that so many people are desperately seeking – because they will grab on to anything, it is such a hard topic to talk about.”

Also, whereas novelty and exploration can be a turn-on for some people, for others, it can have the opposite effect. “Some people are much more comfortable with what’s familiar,” says Emily Nagoski, a sex educator and the author of Come As You Are.

Another risk is that the focus on sexual wellness mounts pressure on people to do things they don’t want to do. “Everywhere you look, whether it’s on social media, telly, movies, the emphasis seems to be on the importance of sex – everyone’s having great sex, and if you’re not having great sex there’s a problem,” says Ammanda Major, head of clinical practice at Relate and a trained relationship counsellor and sex therapist.

“Sex toys historically, and some of the new apps, are kind of promoting the idea that you should be having amazing sex. You should be having an orgasm. But having worked with clients for 25-30 years, what they are often asking for is they just need [the sex] to be good enough.”

What these clients are really seeking, Major explains, is intimacy: the emotional closeness and trust that ideally accompanies sex. “A lot of these apps and products focus on the physical stuff, as opposed to what sexual intimacy means for individuals. I think we sometimes put a lot of pressure on people to be sexual, when actually sex isn’t that important to them.”

In other cases, couples genuinely want to have more sex, but struggle to find the time and motivation to achieve this. Here, technology could help. In early 2022, Mark (not his real name) and his partner began using an app called Intimacy to track their sex life – logging both the number of encounters and their orgasm count. “We had reservations, but set ourselves a target of having sex 104 times in the year – or twice a week,” Mark says. “Rather than putting pressure on ourselves, and recognising it won’t be for everyone, we revelled in the experience – we are obviously both target-oriented.

“We rapidly found ourselves ahead of our target, and reset it to 2.5 times a week, or 130 times in the year – and we ended on 134. We had a good sex life before, but this gave us the motivation to be more intimate.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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4 ways weed can impact your sex life and relationship

Consuming weed could lead to more satisfying orgasms, some small studies suggest.

By Julia Naftulin

  • Cannabis has the potential to boost a person’s sex life, small studies suggest.
  • Weed may lower anxiety and sexual shame and make for more satisfying orgasms.
  • Still, using weed could also lead to a partner being more critical in their relationships.

Weed is everywhere.

According to the CDC, an estimated 48.2 million people, about 18% of Americans, used weed at least once in 2019, the most recent year the government agency collected data on the matter.

Celebrities like Lady Gaga and Pete Davidson, fitness enthusiasts, and even mothers have recently spoken about how they use cannabis to calm down, find motivation, or relieve pain and nausea. Despite their positive anecdotal reports, some research suggests cannabis could have negative effects like increased anxiety and an increased risk of heart disease.

Cannabis use could potentially impact your sex life and relationship too, whether you’re a regular user or just enjoy indulging in a vape or edible before a date or intimate experience.

Some findings suggest weed can lead to more mind-blowing orgasms and increased feelings of intimacy during sex, while others suggest the substance could kill an erection or make someone more likely to act irritable in their relationships. Still, cannabis isn’t widely studied yet, so research is often inconclusive.

Boosting feelings of intimacy during sex

According to one small study of 41 non-straight men, cannabis could boost feelings of closeness during partnered sex.

For the study, published May 2020 in the journal Culture, Health & Sexuality, researchers interviewed men who were 15 to 30 years old about their experiences using cannabis before or during sexual encounters. Three of the men were transgender, 36 were cisgender, and the remainder didn’t identify with a particular gender.

Through interviews, researchers found that participants often reported that cannabis use lowered feelings of anxiety and shame during sex, particularly anal sex.

“I’m actually enjoying this for like the first time, solidly, like a nine out of ten [after taking the edible]! And then the next time I had sex without an edible, I was enjoying it as an eight out of ten. I’m like, ‘Huh?!’ So it changed something in me,” one the study participants said.

Stronger orgasms and better sex overall

Researchers in Spain found that using cannabis before sex could potentially lead to more satisfying orgasms compared to drinking alcohol before sex.

For the study, published in January 2022, researchers at the University of Almeria enlisted 89 male and 185 female volunteers who either used cannabis, alcohol, or neither in their personal lives.

Both male and female participants who used cannabis regularly were more likely to report better sexual function than those who didn’t use weed at all. When the researchers broke sexual function out into more specific categories of desire for sex, physical sexual arousal, and orgasms, they found cannabis users reported more arousal and better orgasms, but not more desire, than non-users.

A potential erection-killer

Though cannabis could act as a sexual aid, consuming too much could kill someone’s erection, according to Dr. Jordan Tishler, an internal medicine physician and the president of the Association of Cannabis Specialists,

He said that patients regularly ask him about how they can incorporate cannabis into their sex lives. Before treatment with him, they cite issues like difficulty with sex drive and arousal, pain on penetration, anxiety and PTSD, and difficulty achieving orgasm.

If you want to infuse weed into your sex life without losing your erection, it’s best to start with a small dose and see how your body reacts, said Tishler. Consider talking to your doctor about the best course of action before proceeding, he said.

Tishler suggests newbies start with 5 milligrams and choose a strain with between 15% and 20% THC. Any more could heighten your anxiety and ruin the experience, he said.

Less confrontational during fights, which could lead to unresolved conflict

When it comes to weed and relationships, a study published in June 2022 suggests it could make someone more irritable or avoidant during relationship conflicts.

To study this, researchers at Rutgers University interviewed 232 cannabis users and their partners who live together in Massachusetts, where recreational cannabis is legal. They asked them how often they use cannabis and how they felt about their overall commitment and satisfaction in their relationships. They also measured each participant’s resting heart rate and breaths per minute.

They also videotaped the couples while they discussed a relationship conflict for 10 minutes, then watched the videos back. They found that weed users were more likely than non-weed users to avoid disagreements or react to them negatively. When later questioned, cannabis users were also more likely to say they were satisfied with how they resolved the conflict than non-cannabis users.

“This suggests that users may be unaware, or perhaps unbothered by, negative relationship dynamics during and after conflict. This can be harmful to relationships in the long-run to have chronic, unresolved conflicts,” Salvatore told Insider.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!