Category: Sexual Performance Issues

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Does sex get better with age?

— A sexologist explains how to improve your sex life as you get older

By Madeleine Spencer

Lots of people would rather not think about what sex will be like later in life.

Partly because younger people might struggle with the idea that older people, in fact, do have sex and partly because there’s a myth that sex is only enjoyable when you’re young and beautiful.

Linda Kirkman is a Bendigo-based sexologist and works with clients of all ages.

Dr Kirkman says while there are no absolutes, sex can certainly get better as you age.

“[My PhD] research shows … that people in their 50s and 60s were having the best sex of their lives,” Dr Kirkman says.

She says part of the reason is a shift in social pressure and what’s expected in relationships.

“If people start out in relationships where they’re both committed to prioritising positive sexuality and willing to be adventurous and explore and prioritise pleasure, then [sex] in a long-term relationship tends to just get better and better with age,” Dr Kirkman says.

She says sex often didn’t improve with age when it’s seen as a duty or chore. 

“Part of the issue is really poor sexuality education, understanding about what pleasure is possible, and how to communicate about it.”

‘I have just as much desire as I had when I was younger’

Phil, who wants to use just his first name to protect his privacy, is a 67-year-old from the Goulburn Valley who says, in many ways, sex does get better with age.

“You become more aware, more unselfish in your action, and unhurried in the whole thing and that’s just wonderful,” he says.

Phil had been married for 25 years and then had a long-term partner for another seven years, but now is searching for “that magical connection”.

A close up of an elderly woman and man holding hands at a restauarant there is a bunch of flowers on the table next to them
Another important sexologist tip is to ensure you eat after you have sex and not before.

He says his biggest misconception growing up was that as you got older you wouldn’t bother with sex.

“I thought desire would fall off [but] I have just as much desire as I had when I was younger,” Phil says.

He says he thinks men’s interests change in sex as they grow older.

“You realise that when you’re a young bloke … you’re looking to satisfy yourself, it can be very selfish. But when you grow older, you become much more generous,” Phil says.

Phil says he enjoys non-sexual foreplay, whether it’s cooking a meal, watching a movie, or sitting and talking. 

“Sex is just the icing on the cake as far as I’m concerned. I think sometimes guys look at sex as being the be all and end all and I think that’s quite wrong. I think it’s the culmination of intimacy.”

He says while his physical capabilities have changed over time, he feels like there’s more to it.

“I can remember making love to someone about five times in an afternoon as a young man. There’s no way in the world I could do that now. But I can still satisfy the partner that I have … in different ways,” he says.

Stigma around sex and ageing can impact how older people feel about having sex.

Sex is not only for the young and beautiful

Dr Kirkman says there is certainly a trope that old people having sex is somehow “icky”, which can influence how people feel about themselves.

She says people can fall into the trap that sex is only for young and beautiful people.

“The most important sex organ is between your ears … it’s your brain, how you think about sex, and what it means doing pleasure,” she says.

Dr Kirkman says some media are changing perceptions around sex and ageing like Grace and Frankie — a show about 70-year-old women looking for love and sex.

“I think [the stigma around sex and age] is improving and people are being more open to positive relationships across their life span and changing partners or finding a new partner,” she says.

Not limitations but possibilities

Dr Kirkman says people’s sexual preferences and abilities change over time.

“When you were in your 20s, what car did you drive and what music did you listen to? And then in your 40s, and what about in your 60s?” Dr Kirkman says.

“You’re not driving the same car. The car you drive now will have very different kinds of capacities and options from the car you drove when you were 20 — so don’t expect your body or the way that you engage with it to be the same.

“It’s just being open to work[ing] differently with what you’ve got.”

“There’s still nerve endings and the potential for connection and pleasure and sensation.

“And devices that are specifically designed to induce and maintain an erection without using injections or other drugs.”

Similarly, your music taste changes over time as do your sexual interests. 

Some people realise when they get older that their sexuality or gender identity might not be as rigid as they thought.

“Some people are transitioning in their 60s or coming out as same-sex attracted or bisexual when they’re older,” Dr Kirkman says. 

“With age and also a sense of running out of time — if you’re not going to do it now, when are you going to try this?”

Gentle exercise before sex can help get your blood moving.

Sex in elder care

Council on the Ageing Victoria’s education manager Frankie Freeman says people’s sexuality is sometimes ignored or denied in aged care facilities.

“There’s probably a tendency for those settings to be a little bit restrictive … [and not acknowledge that adults] are entitled to take some level of risk and have some autonomy [over] how they run their life,” Ms Freeman says.

She says older people may find it difficult to have conversations with medical professionals on things like lubrication and erectile dysfunction.

“While they are absolutely [a] natural [part of ageing], unfortunately, they’re seen as inevitable … when actually there are interventions that can be put in place to respond or prevent some of those symptoms that impact on people’s sex lives.”

Celebrating Ageing director Catherine Barrett has co-edited a book about the sexual rights of older people.

“There’s stigma [about sex] in aged care, and that the stigma comes from service providers, it comes from other residents, but it also comes from family members,” Dr Barrett says.

Catherine has short brown hair she smiles and stands next to a cream wall 
Dr Barrett says it’s a challenge for aged care providers to support existing and new sexual relationships in aged care.

Dr Barrett says a lack of sex education for older people is part of the reason there are high rates of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) in these demographics.

“They haven’t been given information on sexual rights, they haven’t been given sexuality education, as we have with young people,” she says.

Dr Barrett says ageism underpins the stigma older people face about sex. 

“That’s why we’ve taken the rights-based framework because we want to say to people: this is a really fundamental human right that older people have to be sexual,” she says.

She says while some providers are taking this on board there is still a way to go.

“Intimate relationships [are] incredibly important for older people and that can be a real bright spot.”

elderly man and woman are lying on a pier hugging holding each others facies smiling they both have grey hair
Dr Barrett says sex is a right that older people should be able to fulfil without judgement.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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“It’s A Way Of Increasing Sexual Passion And Eroticism”

— Experts Are Sharing The One Thing You Should Incorporate Into Your Sex Life Immediately

When we talk about sex, often we’re really referring to intercourse. But there’s so much more to a satisfying sex life than just penetration. And when we broaden our definition of sex to be more inclusive, there’s a whole world of pleasure to be gained.

By Kelsey Borresen

That’s where “outercourse” comes in.

“Outercourse is really an umbrella term for a wide variety of sexual activities that don’t involve any type of penetration,” clinical sexologist and sexuality educator Lawrence Siegel told HuffPost.

He continued. “Any rubbing, touching, kissing, or caressing that doesn’t involve any part of one body entering any part of another. It can also involve mutual masturbation, scissoring, and dry humping.” (That being said, what constitutes outercourse may vary person to person. For instance, some people believe fingering and oral sex are examples of outercourse, while others do not.)

What many people call foreplay would be considered outercourse. But when we refer to all of these sexual acts as just foreplay, it reinforces the idea that penetration is the main event. In reality, these pleasurable activities can be a satisfying sexual experience on their own, even when they don’t lead to intercourse, Siegel said.

According to sex educator and podcast host Chris Maxwell Rose, “Outercourse can include any way we touch, lick, stroke, stimulate, and turn-on the biggest organ in our bodies: the skin,” she said. “So many of us experience touch hunger — and the remedy is full-body, affectionate touch.”

Erotic massage is another example of outercourse that can “provide deeply satisfying, highly erotic experiences with touch alone,” said Maxwell Rose, who is also the founder of PleasureMechanics.com.

Outercourse can even include cuddling and spooning, which “foster closeness and a sense of security,” said sex therapist and clinical psychologist Nazanin Moali. It can also include talking openly about your sexual fantasies, “which allows partners to connect on a deeply personal level,” Moali, host of the “Sexology” podcast, told HuffPost.

The Benefits Of Outercourse

Once you get to a certain age or reach a certain stage in your relationship, having sex often means a bit of rushed foreplay as an appetizer before moving on to the intercourse entree. Outercourse can break up dull or repetitive patterns you may have fallen into in the bedroom, opening up new or forgotten pathways to sexual pleasure.

“Many of us remember the very beginnings of our sexual discoveries, even the very beginning of our relationships that started with making out and getting ‘felt up’ or ‘feeling up,’ and how exciting that was,” Siegel said. “Outercourse can really be what helps build a level of passion that creates powerful orgasms.”

Outercourse also pushes you to be more sexually creative and connect with your partners in more intentional ways, “helping people explore sexual pleasure and stimulation beyond the genitals,” said sexologist and sex educator Goody Howard.

Embracing outercourse can also be great for folks who have arousal issues, Moali said — some of whom might avoid sex entirely because of these problems. Same goes for people with certain health conditions or physical limitations that take penetrative sex off the table.

“Within many heterosexual relationships, sexual encounters often commence with an erection and culminate in ejaculation,” she said. “Consequently, erection difficulties can result in a complete withdrawal from sexual activities.”

Additionally, outercourse is a safer — but not entirely safe — alternative to penetrative vaginal, anal and oral sex in terms of both risk of pregnancy and STIs.

How To Add More Outercourse To Your Sex Life

First, take some time to reflect on one of your best sexual experiences. Think about what you felt before, during and after. This will help you tap into what Moali calls your “core erotic emotions.”

“For many, consistent themes make sex memorable and exciting. For some, this could be the thrill of being desired, for others, a sense of shame, and for others still, it’s about power exchange,” she explained.

“Identifying your core desire is akin to discovering the genre of the novel you’re writing. As an author, you can enrich this experience by incorporating elements that heighten the specific emotions you wish to explore.”

This exercise will help you zero in on the sexual narratives and types of outercourse that might be most fulfilling to you.

Exploring outercourse can also be an opportunity to start a dialogue with your partner (or partners) about your fantasies, what you enjoy in bed, and any personal boundaries around things you’re not comfortable with, too, Siegel said.

“Talking about experiencing and understanding different types of touch can contribute greatly to experiencing better intercourse,” he said.

Treat this exploration as a way to expand your sexual horizons, Siegel said. Slow things down so you can focus on intimate acts like kissing, cuddling and touching each other’s bodies in different and intentional ways.

“Use massage and genital rubbing through the clothes; try slipping up from behind while they’re brushing their teeth or doing dishes, or other ‘safe’ times when they don’t expect it,” he said.

“Incorporate mutual masturbation into your sex play, both with and without sex toys. Even simulated intercourse, like sliding a penis between a partner’s thighs, breasts or butt. This can be a wonderful entree into experimenting with more ways to pleasure yourselves and each other.”

Try to get out of your head and put aside preconceived notions about what sex “should” be so you can discover what feels fun and pleasurable for you and your partner.

“It might be awkward at first to remain clothed when connecting to sexual pleasure, especially if you’re used to being naked and ‘going all the way,’” Howard said. “But don’t be afraid to try something new. My suggestion is to start fully clothed and remove clothing as desired, but not removing any bras or underwear.”

Outercourse can be utilized in a number of different ways for a number of different reasons tailored to your needs and desires as an individual or couple.

“Outercourse can be used as a tease, taunting your lover with an everything-but approach that plays with the charge of withholding penetration,” Maxwell Rose said. “Or it can be a strategy, a way of finding deeply satisfying sexual connection when penetration is off the menu. One of our most popular podcast episodes is about playing without penetration because so many people are looking to find new ways to satisfy one another beyond traditional intercourse.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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It turns out your sex life has a shelf life

— And it’s shorter than you think

Heard of limerance?

By Ebony Leigh

The term ‘honeymoon phase’ gets thrown around like an imaginary wonderland full of sex, sunshine and satisfaction.

But according to science, it’s very real and there’s a very real reason why it’s called a phase, because apparently there’s an exact time frame when your sex life drops off.

What is limerance?

“Limerence is that early stage of a relationship where it’s almost like an obsession that you feel with a new relationship energy,” somatic sexologist Alice Child tells Body+Soul.

“There are a lot of chemical changes which are happening in the brain and in the body in that new period of time in the relationship which can feel pretty obsessive.

“You think about that person all of the time and there’s also so much uncertainty, so much newness, so much tension and so much novelty, and that acts as really good fuel for arousal and libido.”

So no wonder the sex can be out of this world, filled with “really erotic and experimental” time under the sheets and “really connective intimacy”. 

When does limerance wear off?

But given its volatility, it’s no surprise that limerence has an expiration date. And when the limerance wears off, so too can the sexual drive in a relationship, which Childs says can fall between six months and two years.

“For some people, they start to notice that the part of their relationship that was so exciting, so experimentative and so passionate has taken a backseat, and they don’t really know why or what to do about it,” Child explains.

It’s something she hears about a lot from her clients, but says there’s a good reason why it happens.

Why does sex drive have an expiry date? 

“We as humans, on the one hand, really want love, security, stability and no uncertainty, and that’s where relationships start to go over a longer period of time as you get more and more committed, build up more and more trust, and get to know each other better and better,” she says.

“But on the other hand, we have this human desire for adventure, novelty, newness, uncertainty and drama, and that’s where the erotic lives.

“You can then understand why, when you’re in a relationship and really prioritising this idea of two becoming one and removing all of the uncertainty, that your sex life can suffer.”

So, how can you keep the spark alive?

4 ways to keep the sexual spark alive

#1. Put yourself first

For couples moving through the honeymoon phase, Child’s first piece of advice is not to stop prioritising yourself, and to spend time apart.

“Any sort of connection needs some sort of separateness in order to happen so give yourself some time to miss each other,” she explains. Which also gives you time for you.

“Prioritise your own friendships, your own hobbies, your own things that make you who you are, and remember why your partner found you attractive and why you found them attractive in the early days,” Child says.

“Then ask yourself, are you both still prioritising those things that make you who you are, even though you’re now in this beautiful, committed relationship?”

#2. Find your erotic core

The next step is “getting under the hood of what works”, Child says, which basically involves quizzing each other on what you like together.

“So think, ‘What’s really hot for us, what do we love and what turns us on?’,” Child recommends And then go one step deeper and ask, ‘Oh, what’s so hot about that?’

That, she says, is the key to eternal sexual satisfaction.

“That’s how you can get to the [root] of what’s called your core erotic theme, and that is really the answer to how to have hot sex year after year after year after year, even in a 20 year marriage,” Child explains.

“You’ve got to really understand your own erotic brain and your partner’s erotic brain and really understand each other so you don’t don’t ever run out of ideas.”

#3. Stay curious

Of course, the erotic brain can change over time as “you get exposed to new turn ons, new ideas, new fantasies and new things,” Child says.

“So really get into a habit of after sex turning to each other and saying, ‘What was your favourite bit? Why was that so hot? And what was fun about that for you?’.

Whatever you do, she adds, don’t lose that “curious mindset”, because we’re constantly learning about each other and ourselves.

“It can be so easy in a long term relationship to think you know each other really and you do, but that’s when things become really routine or habitual,” Child explains.

“And that’s when things start feeling boring, so keep that beginner’s curious mindset, like ‘What more can we discover? What does that mean next time?’”

#4. Try new things

Spicing it up with a sex toy can be a real game changer for what goes on in the bedroom and in your erotic mind.

“There’s such amazing products out there now that the simple act of bringing in a new toy is enough to bring that curious mindset back,” says the sexologist, who has developed an intimacy course called Pillow Play to help couples learn new skills and increase their connection, chemistry and communication.

“It’s like ‘Oh, what’s it going to feel like? What’s it going to do? Are you going to use it on me? Am I going to use it on you?’.”

It’s all about getting back to that ‘trying new things’ headspace, Child says, along with “beautiful new sensations and beautiful new fantasies.”

But why stop at toys?

“You know, reading erotic fiction and listening to audio porn, all of these things can give you new ideas and again afterwards you can ask yourselves, ‘What part of that was exciting for me? Why was that exciting? How could I bring that into our sex life?’.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Can therapy improve your sex life?

— We ask three psychosexual therapists to troubleshoot five common issues their clients face

Many sex therapists believe there’s no such thing as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ sex. But what they do agree on is that psychosexual therapy – the act of exploring how our thoughts about sex are formed, before slowly working to change our preconceived ideas – can help us find our way back to a more connected and satisfying relationship with a sexual partner.

So what are the common issue we all face? We asked three leading sex therapists to share the scenarios they see most often among clients, and how to navigate them.

Performance anxiety

In modern society, comparison culture is everywhere and for many of us, this leads to worries about sexual performance, says Kate Moyle, a psychosexual therapist and host of The Sexual Wellness Sessions podcast. ‘The sex we see through porn, films or on TV is not necessarily like the sex that we’re actually having in real life – it’s specifically designed to look good on camera.’ She adds that performance anxiety develops due to an inherent but unrealistic perfectionism: ‘Sex is one of the only areas of our lives where we form an idea that everyone should just know what they’re doing, but we rarely ask questions or open conversations about how to know what we’re doing.’

Often, clients will come to the therapist space expressing this very problem. ‘These people are in the room because what they’re doing has not been working for them,’ says Dr Amani Zarroug, a clinical psychologist and psychosexual and relationship therapist. ‘I want to find out if they’re tied to an idea that sex has to be a specific way. I then challenge that by pointing out that as soon as they start to “perform”, they’re doing what we call “spectatoring” – almost existing outside of their own body watching, so they’re no longer connected to their own pleasure.’

A really good exercise, experts agree, is myth busting. ‘By writing down our sexual beliefs on paper and asking, “Where did I learn that from?”, we can start to call into question certain ideas that we have, and think about where they come from,’ says Moyle. ‘Much of the time we’ve never really thought about where our core beliefs around pleasure stem from until it’s a problem, so actually questioning them is an important exercise.’

Discrepancy in desire

For Karen Aram, who has run her private practice in London for 10 years and works predominantly with couples, a difference in sex drive between partners – or different libido needs – is very common. ‘When people come to me, I will always start by looking at the backstory,’ she says. ‘I’ll call into question: Was it always like this, or has there been an emotional event that has triggered one partner to lose their drive?’

Issues around libido are particularly common when couples are trying to conceive, particularly during IVF, or struggling with infertility. ‘However, it could also be that one partner has just never had a high sex drive, in which case it’s about understanding that the person with the lower drive controls the amount of sex within a relationship.’

Moyle says that, in this case, the person with the lower sex drive is often left with little opportunity to really understand when they want sex, given that the other person wants it all the time. ‘Couples can then get stuck in a cycle of blame and consequently pull away from everything that might lead to sex. This can be particularly problematic because the issue then just gets bigger.’

‘Has there been an emotional event that has triggered one partner to lose their drive?’

Another factor that therapists will look at is the longevity of the relationship. ‘Spontaneous desire is over-represented in films and TV,’ explains Moyle, ‘when the reality is that lots of people, particularly in long-term relationships, have a more responsive desire style. This means that instead of the desire happening in anticipation of a sexual experience, it’s often triggered by the start of the sexual experience – we start kissing and hugging, and then we start to feel turned on. Often, people in long-term relationships think they’ve lost all their desire when, in fact, they’re just more responsive in this way.’

To this end, Moyle suggests carving out more time for intimacy. ‘As therapists, we don’t like the idea of scheduling sex, but we do recommend scheduling time to be physically intimate. We put time aside for planning holidays and calling friends, so we need to apply that same rule to our relationships.’

Avoidance and distance

All couples, Aram says, have an ‘emotional sweet spot’ when it comes to how intimate or distant they can cope with being. ‘It’s a fundamental human fear that we will be left or abandoned,’ she explains, ‘so when some couples become too far apart, they can feel inherently anxious and naturally start to withdraw and defend.’ This often results in the other person feeling even more frozen out, and can manifest in them withdrawing touch and appreciative comments or compliments. ‘They can then resort to safety behaviours, such as one deliberately going to bed early without the other,’ she explains, ‘until eventually there’s no sweetness left.’

The approach to rebuilding a major rupture in a relationship needs to be taken very slowly. ‘In therapy, I will often suggest starting safely with reconnection – whether that’s the couple staying in the same room together after dinner, or hugging and looking into each other’s eyes for three to five minutes. We’re not looking specifically at arousal at this stage, but meeting discomfort in a safe environment.’

Dr Zarroug agrees with this gradual approach, citing a technique called ‘sensate focus’, aimed to improve intimacy, confidence and communication between partners, and shifting away from ingrained, goal-oriented sexual patterns that may not be serving the couple. ‘Sensate focus is the gold-standard method for treating psychosexual issues,’ she says. As part of it, couples must agree to a sex ban for the duration of the programme as they gradually reacquaint themselves with their bodies. ‘In knowing it’s not going to lead to sex, the programme removes pressure, so that couples can start to break whatever negative association they had before.’<

Eventually, the exercises become sexual, but initially it’s more about connecting with the sensual nature of your body and what it can offer you in terms of pleasure.

Body confidence

How we feel in our own bodies can have a big impact on our sex lives. However, very often, worries about body image come down to past experiences and psychoeducation, explains Dr Zarroug, such as ‘women worrying that their vulvas don’t look like those in porn films.’

Normalising and understanding that not everyone loves every single thing about their body is a process, she says. ‘I often do an exercise where I ask the person to name three parts of themselves that they like. I might then ask them to stand naked in front of a mirror at home, and talk to that part of themselves. The negative things we’ve been told about our bodies tend to weigh much more heavily than all the positive things we’ve heard, so focusing on the bits you do like often provides an emotional release.’

‘Couples can get stuck in a cycle of blame and pull away from everything that might lead to sex’

From there, Dr Zarroug says, she’ll hone in on a client’s perception of body image when it’s in the specific context of sex. ‘I ask, “when are you most self-conscious? Is it when you’re in a particular position? Is it when there’s lots of light in the room?” In shedding light on those moments, we can start to focus on the areas they like more.’

‘Learning what feels good for us is a big part of improving body confidence in sex,’ adds Moyle. ‘So I ask: “What are your good conditions for sex?” It might be that having sex with the light off feels comfortable for you because you’re able to really relax and tune in to what’s happening, or that mindfulness exercises help you to connect with your body more.’

Struggles with orgasm

‘Difficulties orgasming are very common in women and it’s something I see people worry about a lot,’ says Aram. ‘But orgasm can only happen when there is a certain point of tension and relaxation, like opposing forces. We have to be aroused, but we also have to be relaxed and allow the body to take over.’

‘I start by getting people to write a pleasure journal,’ says Moyle. ‘They note down five things in their day that give them pleasure, whether it’s putting on a really soft jumper, walking outside feeling the sun on their face, getting into bed with clean sheets, the first sip of coffee in the morning or a smile from a stranger. We’re not very good at noticing small moments of pleasure – often it happens and we simply rush to the next thing, and it’s the same with sex.’

Aram agrees with this mindful approach. ‘I encourage an exploration of touch for pleasure,’ she says. ‘I’ve had women tell me they had an orgasm when their partner started stroking their coccyx at the bottom of their back, or the back of their neck while having sex. In reframing what we’ve been taught about orgasm and embracing the whole body as a potential touch zone, we can rebalance expectations around what we think our body should be doing, and focus on that feeling of pleasure and how to build it.’

Sometimes it’s even a case of looking at breathwork, says Aram. ‘A good tip is to try taking in more oxygen than you need to as you become more aroused,’ she suggests. ‘Trust me, you’ll be surprised where you can go!’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Everything You Need to Know About the Refractory Period

By Tim Jewell

What’s the refractory period?

The refractory period occurs right after you reach your sexual climax. It refers to the time between an orgasm and when you feel ready to be sexually aroused again.

It’s also called the “resolution” stage.

Does everyone have one?

Yes! It’s not just limited to people with penises. All people experience a refractory period as the final stage in a four-part sexual response cycle called the Masters and Johnson’s Four-Phase Model.

Here’s how it works:

  • Excitement. Your heart rate goes up, your breathing gets faster, and your muscles get tense. Blood starts heading toward your genitalia.
  • Plateau. Your muscles continue to tense. If you have a penis, your testicles pull up against your body. If you have a vagina, your clitoris retracts under the clitoral hood.
  • Orgasm. Your muscles contract and release tension, and your body gets flushed and red. If you have a penis, your pelvic muscles contract to help release ejaculate.
  • Resolution. Your muscles start to relax, your blood pressure and heart rate go down, and your body becomes less responsive to sexual stimulation. This is where the refractory period begins.

Is it different for males and females?

One 2013 reviewTrusted Source suggests that the male peripheral nervous system (PNS) is much more involved in the body’s changes after orgasm.

It’s thought that compounds called prostaglandins affect the overall nerve response, resulting in a longer refractory period.

A peptide called somatostatinTrusted Source is also thought to reduce sexual arousal right after ejaculation.

This may explain why males typically have a longer refractory period.

What’s the average refractory period by sex and age?

There are no hard numbers here. It varies widely from person to person based on a variety of factors, including overall health, libido, and diet.
Average figures suggest that for females, mere seconds may pass before sexual arousal and orgasm is possible again.

For males, there’s a lot more variance. It may take a few minutes, an hour, several hours, a day, or even longer.

As you get older, 12 to 24 hours may pass before your body is able to become aroused again.

A 2005 analysis suggests that sexual function most noticeably changes — for both sexes — at age 40.

Does it vary between masturbation and partner sex?

Yes, quite a bit.

One 2006 review looked at data from three different studies of males and females engaging in masturbation or penile-vaginal intercourse (PVI) to orgasm.

The researchers found that prolactin, a key hormone in the refractory period, levels are over 400 percent higher after PVI than after masturbation.

This suggests that your refractory period may last a lot longer after having intercourse with a partner than after solo masturbation.

Is there anything I can do to shorten it?

You can. There are three key factors affecting refractory period length that you may be able to control: arousal, sexual function, and overall health.

To boost arousal

  • Feel out masturbation as part of the process. If you have a longer refractory period, masturbating before sex may interfere with your ability to get off with your partner. Listen to your body on this one — if it takes a while to become aroused again, skip the solo session and see what happens.
  • Switch up how often you have sex. If you’re already getting down every other day, try moving to once a week. And if you’re already hooking up once a week, see what happens if you wait until every other week. A different sex schedule may result in a different refractory period.
  • Try a new position. Different positions mean different sensations. For example, you may find that you’re more in control of your arousal and impending ejaculation if you’re on top of your partner or if they’re on top of you.
  • Experiment with erogenous zones. Have your partner pull, twist, or pinch your ears, neck, nipples, lips, testicles, and other sensitive, nerve-dense areas.
  • Fantasize or role-play. Think about situations that turn you on and share them with your partner. Consider acting out a “sex scene” with you and your partner as characters.

To boost sexual function

  • Practice Kegel exercises. Strengthening your pelvic muscles may give you more control over when you ejaculate.
  • Avoid drinking alcohol before sex.This can interfere with the cardiac functions necessary for arousal.
  • Talk to your doctor about erectile dysfunction (ED) medications. Medications like sildenafil (Viagra)Trusted Source can help you get back in the sack quicker by relaxing penis muscles and improving blood flow. However, individual results may vary, and in some cases ED medications can be counterproductive. It’s best to consult with a therapist or physician who specializes in sexual health.

To boost overall health

  • Stay active. Exercise at least 20 to 30 minutes a day to keep your blood pressure and cholesterol down.
  • Eat a healthy diet. Fill your diet with foods that increase blood flow, such as salmon, citrus, and nuts.

The bottom line

It’s important to remember that everyone has a different refractory period. You may even notice that your individual refractory period varies from session to session.

It all comes down to a number of unique factors. Some you can change, such as alcohol intake and overall diet. And some, such as chronic conditions and age, you can’t.

If you’re concerned about how long it takes you to reach or recover from orgasm, see a sex therapist or a physician who’s knowledgeable in human sexuality.

They can answer any questions you have and, if needed, diagnose or treat any underlying conditions.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The orgasm gap

— Picking up where the sexual revolution left off

By Laurie Mintz

At the core of the 1960s sexual revolution was “female sexual empowerment.” It fell short of this goal. Specifically, while the revolution made women having intercourse before marriage acceptable, it didn’t lead women to have equally pleasurable sexual experiences.

This assertion comes from my vantage point as a sex researcher and educator. I teach human sexuality to hundreds of college students a year. As a teaching and research tool, I anonymously poll students regarding their sexual experiences and compare the results to published research. Both sources provide striking evidence of an orgasm gap between women and men. This spurred me to write a book to foster pleasure equality. “Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters – And How to Get It” aims to expose, explain and close the orgasm gap.

The orgasm gap exposed

One study of college students found 91 percent of men and 39 percent of women always or usually orgasm during sexual encounters. While this study didn’t ask about the sexual context, another revealed that the gap is larger in casual sex than relationship sex. Women were found to orgasm 32 percent as often as men in first time hookups and 72 percent as often in relationships. This study didn’t specify that the sexual encounters include activities that could result in orgasm. When I specify this, 55 percent of male students and 4 percent of female students report always orgasming during hookups.

The orgasm gap isn’t limited to students. Among a nationally representative U.S. sample, 64 percent of women and 91 percent of men said they’d orgasmed at their most recent sexual encounter.

Clearly, there’s an orgasm gap. But, what are the cultural reasons for this gap?

The orgasm gap explained

Some say the gap isn’t cultural but due to the elusive nature of women’s orgasms. Yet one landmark study found that when masturbating, 95 percent of women reach orgasm easily and within minutes. Four minutes was the average time that sex researcher Alfred Kinsey found it takes women to masturbate to orgasm. Orgasm isn’t elusive when women are alone.

It’s also not elusive when women are together. One study found that orgasm rates don’t vary by sexual orientation for men but do for women. Lesbians are more likely to orgasm than heterosexual women.

What do lesbian sex and female masturbation have in common? They focus on clitoral stimulation. One study found that when women pleasure themselves, almost 99 percent stimulate their clitoris.

Yet, when with male partners, especially casual ones, women forgo the clitoral stimulation needed to orgasm. A survey conducted by a women’s magazine found that 78 percent of women’s orgasm problems in heterosexual sex are due to not enough or not the right kind of clitoral stimulation. An academic study found that receiving oral sex and touching one’s clitoris during intercourse increases orgasm rates and that these behaviors occur more often in relationship sex than casual sex.

Women not getting clitoral stimulation, especially in casual sex, is a major reason for the orgasm gap. This leads to a more nuanced question: Why aren’t women getting the stimulation they need?

A double standard and a lack of knowledge

The first reason is ignorance of the clitoris, fueled by our sex education system. Best-selling author Peggy Orenstein pointed out that sex education ignores the clitoris, teaching only about women’s internal organs. No wonder a study found that over 60 percent of college students falsely believe the clitoris is located inside the vaginal canal. Many of these students also mistakenly believe that women orgasm from intercourse alone. In actuality, only a minority can. Depending on the way the questions are worded, 15 percent to 30 percent of women say they orgasm from intercourse alone. When I ask students, “What is your most reliable route to orgasm?,” 4 percent answer penetration alone.

Yet, by failing to teach this in sex education, we leave people to rely on media images. Orenstein asserts that porn has become the new sex ed. One false image portrayed in porn, and mainstream media, is that it is normal, indeed ideal, for women to orgasm from intercourse. This false belief is a main culprit in women not getting the stimulation they need to orgasm.

But research tells us it’s not the only culprit. Knowledge of the clitoris increases women’s orgasm rate during masturbation but not during partnered sex.

So, what in our culture is preventing women from bridging the gap between self and partnered pleasure, especially in casual sex? Researchers in one study found that young adults believe that in casual sex, women’s pleasure is less important than men’s pleasure. They concluded that while it is now acceptable for women to engage in casual sex, it is not acceptable for them to seek sexual pleasure outside of a relationship. They say we have a new sexual double standard.

This takes us full circle, but begs two questions. Why is it important to close the orgasm gap? How can we do so?

The orgasm gap closed

On a surface level, closing the gap is important for equal access to pleasure itself.

On a deeper level, scholars connect pleasure equality and sexual consent. They say learning about sexual pleasure empowers one to communicate one’s desires to others, making it less likely to be coerced, or to coerce others, into unwanted sex. A number argue for sex education reform. A position paper by the Society for Adolescent Health and Medicine also advocated for reform, saying abstinence-only education “reinforces gender stereotypes about female passivity and male aggressiveness.” While the position paper didn’t suggest teaching about pleasure in sexual education, others do.

Information on pleasure, masturbation, the clitoris and orgasm is taught in commonly used sex education programs in Dutch schools. So is information on abstinence, birth control, consent, communication, sexual decision-making, and the difference between porn and real sex. The Dutch have lower pregnancy and STI rates, and three times less sexual violence than the U.S.

Connecting sexual violence and the orgasm gap, one writer declared: “Let 2018 be the year we demand more than freedom from sexual harassment and abuse. This year, it’s time we demand pleasure.”

Time magazine said the #MeToo movement was simmering for years. It seems that a related sexual revolution for pleasure equality is also emerging.

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Sexless relationships aren’t uncommon—here’s what to do if you’re in one

— Here’s what to do if you’re in one

It doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship’s over

By

You know how many of your pals are proudly posting about their Stanley cups, favourite books, and hot girl walks? Well, odds are, even more of your friends are silently suffering through a sex drought. So, if you’re currently craving more coitus than your partner wants to, can, or is willing to participate in, you can take comfort in the fact that you’re not alone.

Many people don’t talk about their dry spells, because it can feel embarrassing to imply that something is ‘wrong’ in your relationship, says Shannon Chavez Qureshiz, PsyD, CST, a licensed psychologist and sex therapist based in Beverly Hills. But actually, it’s a common experience. ‘Most couples go through a period of being sexless,’ she says.

Research backs this claim up: One 2018 survey published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found more than 15 percent of married folks hadn’t had sex the previous year. But the actual statistics may even be higher than these numbers, according to Chavez. ‘Most people in sexless relationships do not disclose to others they are in a sexless relationship, due to the social stigma associated with the lack,’ she says. So, the good news: you’re not alone. But, the less-good news: the knowledge that (many!) other people are currently wading through a sex drought doesn’t make it easier to figure out what you should do.

Meet the experts: Shannon Chavez Qureshiz, PsyD, CST, is a licensed psychologist and sex therapist based in Beverly Hills. Carolina Pataky, PhD, LMFT, is a sexologist and co-founder of South Florida’s Love Discovery Institute. Rachel Wright, LMFT, is a New York-based licensed psychotherapist and host of The Wright Conversations podcast.

Ahead, sex and relationship therapists answer all your questions about being in a sexless relationship, including what causes it and what you can do to fix it. (Yes, that means that many sexless relationships can return to their sex-filled beginnings—with a little tenderness, love, care, and conversation.)

What is a sexless relationship?

Traditionally, sexless relationships are defined by a lack of—or low occurrence of— intercourse within a relationship. ‘A widely used benchmark on the topic says relationships are sexless when sex happens less than 10 times per year,’ says Carolina Pataky, PhD, LMFT, a sexologist and co-founder of South Florida’s Love Discovery Institute.

The problem with this definition is that it typically centres on just one type of sex, when the definition of sex is (or at least, should be) much more expansive than intercourse, says Rachel Wright, LMFT, New York-based licensed psychotherapist and host of The Wright Conversations podcast.

‘Most people in sexless relationships do not disclose to others they are in a sexless relationship’

There’s no doubt that penis-in-vagina sex, strap-on sex, and anal sex can be pleasurable. But narrowing in on just these sex acts means that people who are having plenty of satisfying oral sex, hand hanky-panky, toy play, or mutual masturbation technically fall in the ‘sexless’ category, says Wright.

In effort to be both more inclusive and accurate, many sex educators and therapists propose a new, more nuanced understanding of sexless relationships. Chavez, for example, says the term should be reserved for partnerships where the quality, pleasure-rich physical interactions are lacking and (and this is important) this lack is distressing to one or more of the people in the relationship.

Pataky agrees that quantity shouldn’t be the sole determining factor in a sexless relationship diagnosis. ‘If both individuals in the relationship are content with their level of sexual activity—and it’s high-quality when it happens—then, regardless of its infrequency, the term ‘sexless’ might not accurately reflect their situation,’ she says.

What is the difference between a sexless relationship and a dry spell?

>Much like the differences between toe-ma-toe and toe-mah-to, the differences between sexless marriage, a dry spell, and a dead bedroom is a matter of semantics. All four imply the same concern that sexual intimacy is missing in action, says Chavez.

As you might guess, sexless marriage is a term reserved for low-copulatory couples who are wed. Meanwhile, a dry spell generally suggests that a few weeks or months have gone without an ‘adequate’ (as defined by the individual using the term) number of intimate encounters.

Someone in a dry spell, however, might not be going through a year(s)-long drought, says Pataky. ‘Usually, a dry spell is often seen as a natural ebb and flow in a relationship’s sexual dynamics, rather than a prolonged problem,’ she adds. However, Chavez notes that ‘some people feel like dry spell is a more socially acceptable term, so [they] use it over other terms, regardless of how long it has been.’

Finally, ‘dead bedroom’ generally refers to a relationship that isn’t just missing in (penetrative) sex, but also other forms of physical intimacy, too. There’s a queer-centric version of this ‘dead bedroom’ called ‘lesbian bed death,’ which also suggests a lack of action. (Though many want to retire the phrase, since it facilitates that false belief that women and non-men are less sexually-inclined than men, which is false.)

All in all, if someone is using one of these terms, they are most likely trying to express anguish. As such, whether it’s your partner, pal, or patient (heya, therapists!) who is using this language, it’s in your best interest to ask follow-up Q’s that can help you discern the exact issue.

Why are we having no (or less) sex?

To borrow a line from Elizabeth Barrett Brown, let me count the ways. ‘A sudden decrease or drop off in sexual activity can stem from a variety of reasons,’ according to Pataky. The good news is that once the trigger is identified, it can usually be trouble-shot in such a way that sex either returns, or the couple (or triad) realise they are no longer compatible, and can either restructure their relationship or split.

Ahead, 6 common culprits as to why you’re not getting it on anymore.

1. You’re busy bees.

Even a quickie takes some time! So, if you and your boo are currently only getting by with the help of your Google calendar and post-it notes, it makes sense that you’d notice a dip.

‘Having a new baby, one or more partners being in crunch time at work, and navigating a family member’s worsening health are all time-consuming things that can impact how often you have sex,’ says Pataky. Plus, all of these examples are things that take a toll on your emotional and mental bandwidth, as well, which can also throw your sex life a curveball.

If this sounds like you, Pataky says scheduling sex can be an effective strategy to enhance intimacy and connection in relationships, especially in scenarios where the spontaneity of sexual encounters has waned due to life’s demands. ‘Scheduling sex is not just about the act itself; it’s about creating a sacred space for sexual and emotional connection,’ she says.

2. You’re feeling stressed.

When you’re under periods of high stress, your stress hormone (cortisol) levels rise, explains Pataky. Because the entire endocrine system is interconnected, this can cause hormones that impact your interest in sex (such as testosterone and oestrogen) to go haywire, as well.

For some people, high stress can function a bit like an aphrodisiac, causing them to crave sex, and further enjoy the stress-relieving benefits of orgasm, says Pataky. For more people, however, there is no bigger cock or coochie block than stress.

Whether the underlying cause of the stress is financial disarray, your living situation, or work drama, finding ways to navigate it can help. Meditation, mindfulness, deep breathing, yoga, movement, and reduced caffeine intake may all prove useful. Oh, and do your best to stop stressing about how much (or how little) sex you’re currently having! Doing so is only going to exacerbate the so-called issue.

3. Someone is on the asexuality spectrum.

As individuals, our sexuality can evolve and evolve and evolve again. That’s why some people may be interested in less kinky sex in later years than they were in their 20s, while others become interested in dating across the gender spectrum after decades of only dating on one side of it. Well, an individual’s sexuality can also evolve in such a way that they find themselves hanging out on the asexuality spectrum.

Quick refresher: Asexuality is an orientation wherein individuals do not experience regular sexual attraction—if they experience it at all. Much like queer, asexual is considered an umbrella term that houses a range of non-allosexual identity, such as demisexual and graysexual.

‘Identities on the asexuality spectrum are valid sexual orientations, and individuals who identify as asexual may still form meaningful and fulfilling romantic connections,’ says Pataky. Fact is, not all people on the asexuality spectrum are also on the aromantic one. (ICYDK: Aromanticism is an orientation marked by the lack of regular romantic attraction, or interest).

‘Understanding and respecting different sexual orientations is essential for fostering inclusive and supportive romantic relationships,’ she says. So, in instances where an asexual identity underpins a lack of sex, it can be helpful for the non-asexual (also known as allosexual) partner to understand exactly what being asexual means to their partner, she says. (In addition to chatting with your partner directly, consider reading Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and The Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen).

It can also be helpful to understand the asexual partner’s current relationship to sex. Some individuals are sex-repulsed, while others are sex-neutral. Those in the latter camp may elect to have sex with their partner(s) despite not feeling sexual attraction, for a range of reasons such as the stress-relieving benefits of orgasm or the intimacy it allows them to foster with their partners.

To be clear: Happy, healthy relationships between an asexual person and an allosexual one, are possible! As is the case with other relationship dynamics, a combination of self-awareness, clear communication, and empathy are key.

4. One of you has had a medical change.

Chronic pain conditions, physical health issues, unaddressed mental health woes, medication changes or side effects, and hormonal shifts can all lead to a decrease in sexual activity within relationships, according to Pataky.

Indeed, several health conditions such as diabetes, cancer, and heart disease are known to reduce libido. Further, for medically unknown reasons, decreased libido, sexual changes, and erectile dysfunction are common side effects of a wide range of medications—including medications used to treat depression and anxiety, as well as certain forms of birth control.

Pregnancy, postpartum, nursing, perimenopause and menopause, and so on are also often times when an individual might experience a decreased interest in sex as their body goes through a massive, massive change, Pataky says. ‘In particular, the postpartum period is one typically ripe with decreased sex as the pregnant person’s body recovers, and the couple adjusts to the emotional and logistical challenges of being new parents,’ she says. Makes sense!

Whether it’s baby-related or not, if you think there’s an underlying medical or medicinal culprit to your loss of interest in sex, consult a healthcare provider ASAP. You should never (ever!) simply discontinue use of the medicine you think is the culprit. Instead, tell your doc that a dip in sex drive is one of your unwanted symptoms and see if they can prescribe an additional medication to counteract the effects, or another medication altogether.

5. There’s an emotional disconnect.

‘Recognising the complex interplay between emotional well-being and sexual well-being is crucial for trouble-shooting a sexless relationship,’ says Pataky. ‘Emotional connection between partners is fundamental to a fulfilling sex life. So, a lack of or diminished emotional bond can result in decreased sexual desire and activity.’

To be clear: It would be both inaccurate to say that all people who are in sexless relationships are emotionally unfulfilled! However, there is value in analyzing how you and your partner have been spending less quality time together, have been less verbally affirmative about your TLC, have stopped communicating with as much regularity or generosity, or have otherwise stagnated emotionally, according to Pataky. ‘It can give you a good starting point,’ she says.

6. So, so many other reasons.

To put it bluntly, the aforementioned list of reasons why you and your boo have stopped boning are just the tip of the frustrating iceberg.

For folks who are allosexual, sex drive and libido serve as a barometer of the body’s state of overall health and well-being, says Chavez. When anything that impacts overall well-being pops up, a downturn in libido—and as a result a decreased interest in partnered play—can occur. As such, ‘body image issues, sexual boredom, unaddressed relationship conflicts, infidelity on one (or both) sides, job dissatisfaction, trauma, betrayal, and sexual shame can all result in someone no longer wanting to have sex,’ she says.

The best thing an individual can do when their libido lulls is to get curious about it, says Wright. ‘The lull often serves as a check-engine light, telling you that it’s time to take inventory on what’s going on with your body and life more generally.’

So… should I stay in a sexless relationship?

There is no one size fits all answer to this question. Ultimately, it comes down to whether or not you are feeling distressed by the lack of sex, says Chavez.

‘Not having sex with your partner doesn’t necessarily imply that you are dissatisfied or not fulfilling needs in other areas of intimacy,’ she says. Some people are perfectly happy in a sexless relationship! If other facets of the relationship are thriving and you can communicate about your sexual desires and needs, odds are that it is probably a relationship that is worth staying in, she says.

‘Sexlessness is really only a significant concern if one or both partners are experiencing distress, dissatisfaction, or a sense of disconnection due to the lack of sexual intimacy,’ Chavez says. This distress is most common in relationships where the individuals do not feel safe or able to communicate their sexual needs, she says. But it’s a huge problem because it often results in feelings of loneliness, inadequacy, and guilt—all of which can have serious side effects on mental well-being.

When considering whether or not to stay in your relationship, Chavez says it’s important to consider:

  • How important physical touch is to you
  • Where intimacy exists in your relationship outside of sex, if anywhere
  • Your current relationship structure and relationship orientation
  • Where you and your partner(s) lie on the asexuality spectrum
  • Whether you and your partner have the ability to communicate
  • Whether or not you have the ability to talk about sex, specifically

What should I do if I’m unhappy in a sexless relationship?

1. First, think about how important sex is to you.

Of course, the suggestions below will give you tips around conversing with your partner(s). But before you do that, take some time to get really honest with yourself about how important sex is to you.

Some questions to ask yourself:

  • In my dream world, how often would I be able to have sex?
  • Why do I like having sex with my partner? What does it bring me (or us), exactly?
  • What role can masturbation play in helping me meet my sexual wants?
  • What types of touch and intimacy with others are currently allowed within the current structure of my relationship?
  • Is there a relationship structure change that can be made that will support my happiness?
  • What degree of compromise am I willing to make, as far as my sexual desires are concerned?

Whether you journal your answers in a Moleskine, jot them down in your Notes app, or chew them through with a therapist or friend, Wright urges you to do your best not to judge yourself for the answers that come to mind. We are taught that there is a very narrow range of what desires and frequency of sex are permissible, she says. As such, the many people who fall outside of that range (and desire more or less sex) will have to fight the internalised belief that their desires are capital-w Wrong.

If you notice feelings of shame, humiliation, or discomfort as you chew through these questions, Wright suggests working through these emotions with a sex-positive mental health professional. ‘They’ll be able to remind you that your wants and desires are normal.’

2. Talk to your partner.

Given that there’s really no way to know whether or not you and your partner are on the same page about sexual frequency unless you talk about it, communication is key, says Pataky.

‘When discussing the frequency of sex with your partner, it’s essential to approach the conversation with openness and empathy,’ she says. ‘Begin by creating a safe, non-judgmental space where both partners feel comfortable expressing their feelings and desires.’ It’s also best to use ‘I’ statements to express your feelings and avoid placing blame, she says.

Some examples of what you might say:

  • ‘I read an article about sexual frequency in relationships, and it made me realize that we haven’t talked about our sex life or sexual frequency in a bit. Would you be open to reading the article, and then discussing it with me sometime this week? I think it could be a nice way for us to get on the same page.’
  • ‘When you have the energy, I’d really like to make time to share about our sexual needs, desires, and wants. My perception is that I’m much more interested in physical intimacy these days, and I’d love it if you could share some insights with me about if that’s the case, and why. I want to make sure that we’re both getting our needs met and I’m not dropping the ball on some place I’m overlooking.’
  • ‘I’ve observed that we haven’t been as intimate or sexual in the last few months as we were the first few years of our relationship. I’m feeling a little unsure on how to talk about this because I don’t want anyone to feel pressured, but I do miss being physically close with you. Would you be open to brainstorming ways that we can nurture that piece of our relationship?’

Remember: What you say is important—but what your partner says is, too. ‘It’s crucial to listen actively to your partner’s perspective and acknowledge their feelings as well as share your own,’ says Pataky.

3. Prioritise intimacy.

Sure, a sexless relationship can be healthy! But for most allosexual people, it’s not possible to be in a partnership that isn’t intimate.

‘Intimacy is a culture of closeness and connection between two (or more) people that builds over time,’ says psychologist and sex therapist Megan Fleming, PhD. It’s the thing that enables relationships to feel safe, supportive, sacred, and can set the foundation for sexual closeness, she said.

That’s why Pataky says that couples looking to break their sex drought should start by rebuilding intimacy. ‘This can include spending quality time together, engaging in affectionate touch like massage and cuddling, and strengthening your emotional connection through regular dates and shared activities,’ she says.

4. Consider a different relationship structure.

fully on board with—not something someone submits to due to coercion, fear of being left, or emotional distress, says Chavez.

‘Opening the relationship is never a fix for a relationship problem; it is a lifestyle not a band-aid to other unaddressed issues,’ she adds. Still, it may be a sound work-around for some duos—for instance, pairings between someone who is asexual and allosexual. ‘If you think opening your relationship might be for you, you need to commit to open communication and honesty, and should do your research before jumping in.’

The Ethical Slut by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton, Polysecure by Jessica Fern, and the Multiamory and Remodeled Love podcasts are all great resources to start your learning.

5. Consult a professional.

If your lack of sexual activity is causing distress or if there are underlying issues that you and your love are struggling to resolve on their own, professional help can be invaluable, says Pataky. ‘A couples therapist or a sex therapist can provide a structured environment to explore these issues, improve specific guidance and strategies for addressing sexual concerns and enhancing the sexual aspect of the relationship,’ she says.

A pro will also be able to remind you that there is no universal ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ amount of sex to have, she says. What’s key is that individuals in the relationships are content, communicating, and consenting to whatever sex-filled, sexless, or sex-occasional dynamic that’s at play.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Can psychedelics improve sexual functioning and satisfaction?

By Dr. Chinta Sidharthan

In a recent study published in the journal Scientific Reports, researchers explored the influence of psychedelics on sexual functioning using a large, naturalistic study and a controlled clinical trial that compared the impacts of psilocybin and selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRI) on various facets of sexual functioning in patients with major depressive disorders.

Background

Research on psychedelic substances has followed a relatively unsteady trajectory, with various clinical studies through the 1950s and up to the 1970s examining the use of lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD) for treating alcohol dependence and mood disorders.

Psychedelics also played a major role in the social movements of the 1960s, such as the anti-war protests and hippy culture. The 1971 Act on Controlled Substances passed by the United Nations, however, brought most of the scientific research on psychedelics to a halt.

Recent studies indicate a revival of research interest in the use of psychedelics as therapeutic avenues for mental health disorders. Studies have examined the effectiveness of psilocybin therapy in alleviating symptoms of depression and anxiety.

Psilocybin also showed comparable efficacy to the SSRI escitalopram in lowering symptoms of depression, with significantly better performance in secondary outcomes such as anhedonia, general functioning, and well-being.

Given that sexual dysfunction is a common symptom in patients with major depressive disorder, and it is also the side effect of most SSRIs, it is essential to explore the impact of psychedelics on sexual function.

About the study

In the present study, the researchers examined the use of psychedelics in naturalistic settings and ceremonies to understand its effect on various aspects of sexual functioning.

The association was further investigated in a six-week-long clinical trial comparing psilocybin with escitalopram. Sexual functioning was explored along the domains of sexual satisfaction, pleasure, arousal, body image, importance of sex, and sexual desires.

The researchers also aimed to understand whether psychedelics influenced sexual openness and desires for sexual exploration using a set of self-constructed questions. Additionally, the study evaluated the differences in this association among male and female patients.

Although not a core symptom, sexual dysfunction is very common in individuals with major depressive disorders, with the most frequently reported symptoms being difficulty getting aroused, lower libido, and a delay in or absence of orgasms in patients of both sexes.

Furthermore, sexual dysfunction is also known to be a common side effect of SSRIs such as fluoxetine, citalopram, and escitalopram.

Impairments in sexual function due to SSRIs are thought to be due to the downstream impact of SSRIs on dopaminergic and serotoninergic. Sexual dysfunction can also significantly lower self-esteem and impact the quality of relationships and life.

Sexual satisfaction has also been linked to lower depression rates among individuals of both sexes.

For the first part of the study, the researchers gathered data from individuals who attended a ceremony that involved the consumption of psychedelics such as magic mushrooms, psilocybin, ayahuasca, LSD, N, N-Dimethyltryptamine, etc.

The second part of the study involved data obtained from a double-blinded, controlled, phase II clinical trial that compared the effectiveness of psilocybin therapy against that of escitalopram therapy against major depressive disorder.

Results

The results from the naturalistic study showed that the use of psychedelics brought about improvements in various domains of sexual satisfaction and functioning, including body image, partner satisfaction, and improvements in communication and pleasure during sex.

The clinical trial included in the study also supported these findings and reported that the post-acute effects of psilocybin therapy with respect to sexual functioning were positive, while those of escitalopram therapy were not.

The findings suggested that while both psilocybin and escitalopram therapy resulted in comparable reductions in the symptoms of depression, escitalopram had a significant negative impact on sexual functioning.

However, the researchers also stated that these results on the negative impact of escitalopram must not be generalized to all SSRIs since various SSRIs have been developed that do not cause sexual dysfunction to the same extent as escitalopram.

The difference in the impacts of escitalopram and psilocybin on sexual functioning could be linked to the different mechanisms by which they alleviate depression.

SSRIs inhibit serotonin re-intake, increasing serotonin concentrations and promoting serotonin activity in the post-synaptic phase.

This impacts the downstream serotoninergic and dopaminergic functioning, subsequently impacting acetylcholine, testosterone, and nitric oxide levels that affect libido.

Conclusions

Overall, the results showed that the use of psilocybin in treating major depressive disorder might have a positive impact on sexual functioning.

While this association needs to be explored further through validated measures, the findings do support the fact that psychedelics not only reduce the symptoms of major depressive disorder but could also be potentially important treatment options for other disorders that have reduced sexual functioning.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Masturbation and Men—The Double-Edged Sword

By Dr Dick

For some men, this freelance sexual investigation can, and often does, produce some very interesting, unique and even downright strange styles of self-pleasuring, that sadly, often do not lend themselves to partnered sex. But according to Dr. Dick, with proper motivation and some focused redirection, men can learn to climax with a lover as well as on their own.

A Foundation of Masturbation

Those of you who know me know that I am a fierce advocate of masturbation. I contend that self-pleasuring is the foundation of a happy, healthy sex life for both women and men. I’m also a proponent of couples masturbating together. The mutual joys and the important information shared in this way are indispensable.

But masturbation can be a double-edged sword, so to speak. I say this because most of us guys learn to pull our pud early in life—and most of us discover how to do this on our own. This freelance sexual investigation can, and often does, produce some very unique, and even downright strange, styles of self-pleasuring. And there in lies the rub, no pun intended. Some masturbation techniques, pleasurable though they might be, do not lend themselves to partnered sex. And so, over the course of the next several weeks, we’re going to take a, well, hard look at male masturbation—from right to wrong, and everything in between.

Here we have Wayne, a 26-year-old man from Philadelphia:

Hey Dr. Dick,
I have a little issue that has stumped me, my doctor, and numerous urologists. I figure there’s no harm in asking one more person. I have never—not once—been able to come normally. I suppose there is a normal way, considering every other guy I’ve ever met has been able to do it “by hand,” but the only way I’ve ever achieved orgasm is by laying on my stomach, putting pressure with a slightly closed fist on the spot where my dick meets the rest of my body, and sliding back and forth.

Weird aside: This was a way to lift myself up off the floor and “fly” as a young kid. Then one day, I found out that it was pleasurable. I know…weird little kid.

Anyway, fast-forward to my twenties and becoming sexually active, and now I have a concern. I want to be able to come by having intercourse or just jacking off, but I’ve never been able to. I can get very close—never have a problem getting hard—but the deal just doesn’t happen. Any thoughts?

Interesting masturbation technique you got there, my friend. While it’s unique, it is not the most distinctive style I’ve encountered in my career. Someday I oughtta write a book. What’s most amazing to me about what you write here is that this predicament of yours has stumped all the physicians you’ve consulted. I suppose that says volumes about how informed most doctors are about human sexuality.

Simply put, Wayne, over the years you’ve habituated your body to respond pleasurably to a particular stimulus. Ever hear of Pavlov’s dogs? Right! What we have here is precisely the same thing. You apply the stimulus: laying on your stomach, putting pressure with a slightly closed fist on the spot where your dick meets the rest of my body, and sliding back and forth, and your body responds with an orgasm.

Most all of us, both female and male, discover the joy of self-pleasuring accidentally. Your first encounter with masturbation, although you probably didn’t know that’s what it was called, was through your boyhood attempts to fly. And fly you did! As you suggest, most other people discover self-pleasuring in a more conventional way, through touch. Thus the more “normal” (and I use that word in quotes) means of getting one’s self off is manually.

Your unique style of self-pleasuring is completely benign, but it doesn’t really lend itself to partnered sex, as you say. I mean, how awkward would fucking be if you had to get off your partner and on to the floor to come? The same is true for the men out there that jerk off with a very fast motion or a heavy death grip on their dick. They will, no doubt, find it difficult to climax during partnered sex.

So is there a solution? Sure there is. And it’s not a particularly difficult nut to crack…so to speak.

Let me tell you about a former client of mine. He was about your age when we met several years ago. He presented a similar concern to yours. He learned to masturbate in the same position as you, lying on your stomach, but he got off by humping a pillow. Try as he might, he never was able to get off any other way. It was driving him crazy. He couldn’t date anyone, because he was too embarrassed about the whole pillow thing.

Over the next four or five weeks, I helped my client learn a new way of self-pleasuring that would lend itself to happy partnered sex. The object was to rid himself of the need for the pillow altogether, and we did this is incremental steps. Luckily, my client was a horny little bugger. He masturbated at least twice a day—sometimes even more frequently. I decided to use his natural horniness as part of the intervention.

My client had to promise me that he wouldn’t masturbate in his traditional way for an entire week—absolutely no pillow sex! If he failed to keep his promise, he would have to start all over from day one. At first he couldn’t see the purpose of this moratorium, but I insisted. By the time I saw him next, the poor boy had blue balls for days. So he was primed and ready to go. His next exercise was to change position for his first masturbation after the weeklong moratorium. He could masturbate with his pillow, but he had to lie on his back. He was not permitted to roll over on to his stomach. This wasn’t immediately successful, but his pent-up sexual energy finally carried the day and he got off in the first new position—on his back—since he learned to masturbate.

The following week, I gave him a new exercise: While on his back, he could use the pillow to rub himself, but only to the point where he was about to come. At that point, he was to put the pillow aside and finish himself off with his hand. This was only slightly more difficult than the previous exercise, and within two attempts, he finally got himself off with his hand for the first time in his life. The rest of his therapeutic intervention was simply following this behavior modification course of action till he didn’t need the pillow at all.

I assume you see where I’m going with this, right? You could do this same sort of intervention on your own to learn a new and more traditional way of masturbating, but you’d probably have more success working with a qualified sex therapist. Why not look for one near you by visiting the American College of Sexologists online?

The firm desire to change a behavior or habit is the most important aspect of the process of change. Second is denying yourself the convenient and habitual stimulus—in your case, your flying masturbation style—will drive you to find a replacement means of getting off—a more traditional, manual style. Weaning yourself off one style of masturbation incrementally ’til you are successful in replacing that style with another is the most efficient means of behavior change. I encourage you to give it a try.

Good luck!

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Your Complete and Queer Guide to Outercourse

— From heavy petting to mutual masturbation to oral sex, outercourse opens up infinite avenues for pleasure.

 

Gay couple cuddling in bed

By Sara Youngblood Gregory

Between the sorry state of sex education in the United States and a comparative lack of widely accessible LGBTQ+ sexual health resources, it takes a while for most queer and trans folks to learn — and name — the type of sex they want to have. This can be especially true for those who prefer non-normative types of sex or simply feel a bit boxed in by depictions of queer sexuality in the media or online. Often overlooked in popular representation of queer sex, outercourse, in particular, is a great way for folks across the gender, sexuality, and ability spectrum to explore pleasure.

As a catch-all term, “outercourse” describes the many sex acts and erotic activities that lie outside of internal (often called penetrative) sex. There are so many reasons queer and trans folks are drawn to outercourse, according to sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, sexpert for sexual wellness brand Lovers. For many people, outercourse may feel more affirming and pleasurable “particularly if you are undergoing bottom surgery recovery or getting used to your new growth because of HRT,” says Stewart.

Outercourse is often confused with foreplay — and for some people it is — but it can also be its own thing. Whereas foreplay is more like an appetizer, outercourse is about the holistic experience of sex, more of a potluck of pleasure than any single entrée.

Below, queer sex educators share everything you need to know about outercourse including what it is, how to have it, and why you might love it.

What is outercourse?

Outercourse describes sexual or erotic activity that does not involve internal vaginal and/or anal sex, or in other words non-penetrative sex. Often, outercourse is used as an umbrella term for external-only sex or hookups, but it encompasses a variety of sexual or erotic acts like mutual masturbation, oral sex, or grinding. But more on that later!

“Some people may view outercourse as foreplay and others may view outercourse as the main course,” says Lena Peak, a queer sexuality educator and founder of Eros Insights. “There’s no definitive answer here, you and your partner(s) get to define these terms for yourselves, or even reject them altogether!”

“One of the main reasons people might enjoy, prefer, or prioritize outercourse in their sex lives is because it de-centers penetration as the pinnacle of sex,” adds Peak. Traditional heteronormative sex — or intercourse if we want to get specific — is often defined by the presence of cis men and centers their pleasure. Outercourse, on the other hand, upends this narrow, more hegemonic understanding of sex and what “counts.” It allows people of all genders and bodies to imagine, speak back, and co-create the kind of connection they crave — regardless of the specific sex acts involved.

As a result, outercourse is a mainstay for many queer and trans people, particularly for those who may experience gender dysphoria, have a history of trauma, certain medical conditions, or disabilities, in addition to folks who simply prefer this type of pleasure.

Is it the same as abstinence?

No, outercourse isn’t the same thing as abstinence, but there is some nuance here.

Generally speaking, abstinence is the decision to refrain from sex or sexual activity, particularly P-in-V sex. Some people choose abstinence for moral, cultural, or religious reasons, while others opt to take a purposeful break for personal or medical reasons. Abstinence is also used for pregnancy and STI prevention.

But what exactly qualifies as sexual activity, or being abstinent more generally, depends on the person. For some, anything “beyond” kissing is off the table, while others consider everything except internal sex to be chaste. With such varied definitions, it’s possible that one person’s sex is another person’s abstinence. So while there can be overlap between the physical acts of outercourse and some types of abstinence, the main difference is intention.

Whereas abstinence is about limiting or distancing oneself from sex or gratification, Stewart says outercourse is inherently about receiving and giving pleasure. Make sure to have a conversation with any potential partner about how you define sex, outercourse, and abstinence.

How do I have outercourse?

The good news is there’s absolutely no “wrong” way to have outercourse. The only limit is your imagination.

To get you started, there are the usual suspects: heavy petting (or touching someone, often their genitals, indirectly through their clothing), oral sex, mutual masturbation, and hand jobs. Fingering may also come into play here, which means using your fingers and hands to arouse yourself or your partner. Typically, fingering refers to touching a vulva, clitoris, or anus. Though fingering often includes internal vaginal or anal touch, it doesn’t have to. Grab some lube and use your fingers to touch your partner’s vulva with long, gentle movements to “warm up,” before playing with their clit. Unless your partner is into it, you should avoid sharp, prodding motions. Instead use the pads of your fingers and focus on stroking motions.

You might also opt for grinding, which is sometimes referred to as “dry humping” or “tribbing.” Usually, this involves rubbing your genitals against someone’s body (like when straddling someone’s waist or thigh, for example.) The infamous act of scissoring is in this general family of touch as well, though it involves direct genital contact.

There are also sex acts that don’t focus on genitals, instead opting for a more integrated or erotic approach, like sensual massage or deep kissing. Some kink activities like impact play, bondage, or sensory play also fall under this category. If you’re not sure where to start, Peak recommends setting time aside to explore pleasure mapping, which involves using different types of external touch and sensations on different parts of the body. This can help you not only identify how you like to be touched, but also discover and potentially “map” new erogenous zones on your body.

Though these are all great jumping-off points, it’s important not to get too bogged down with what is or isn’t considered outercourse. Just focus on what turns you on. “Rather than narrow your scope to certain specific behaviors, try making a list of all of the areas on the outside of your body that you enjoy stimulating or that you’re curious about stimulating,” sex educator Cassandra Corrado tells Them. “How do you like for them to be touched? What types of touch do you want to try? What about your partner, how do they like to be touched, and where? Create your menu from there.”

As with any type of sexual or erotic contact, you should always discuss boundaries, consent, and safe sex practices. Remember, if the outercourse activities you’re engaging with involve genital touching or any contact with sexual fluids, you can still spread STIs.

Why is outercourse important for queer folks?

Though anyone can enjoy outercourse, it can be especially powerful for queer and trans people. First and foremost, the term is a way to name the type of sex that feels best to you and start a conversation about what feels right (and hot) for you and your partner(s).

Those on the ace spectrum, for example, may find satisfaction and belonging in certain kinds of erotic touch, like kissing or impact play. Meanwhile, a stone butch or top may opt for non-genital focused touch, like massage, or indirect stimulation via grinding.

Second, outercourse can be a framework to help you take a big step back, think about what you’ve been consciously and unconsciously taught about sex, what’s “normal,” and create your own road map for meaningful shared pleasure.

“By prioritizing, or at least normalizing, outercourse, it makes space for us to reconfigure the sexual scripts that many of us are handed early on. It allows us to prioritize experiences that bring us pleasure and fulfillment, rather than following the sexual behavior escalator to its ‘final destination,’” says Corrado. “And it allows us to take a much wider approach to our sexual decision-making, encouraging us to think about our and our partners’ bodies, boundaries, desires, and pleasures in a more expansive way than society may have initially taught us.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Dangers of Recreational Viagra

— The risks of taking Viagra without erectile dysfunction range from mild side effects to dangerous drug interactions

By Raevti Bole, MD

Advertisements for erectile dysfunction (ED) medication are everywhere. Viagra® and Cialis® are enormously popular. And as the ads suggest, they’re highly effective at improving sexual performance in people with ED.< But the use of these medications is also booming in people who don’t have sexual problems. But know this: This “recreational” use of Viagra can be risky.

Why do people without ED take Viagra?

To understand why people experiment with Viagra and Cialis recreationally, it’s helpful to understand how these drugs work.

Viagra and Cialis belong to a category of drugs called phosphodiesterase type 5 (PDE5) inhibitors. These medications open blood vessels and can be used to treat pulmonary hypertension and urinary problems.

But most famously, medications like Viagra and Cialis are used to address erectile dysfunction. The reason? Increased blood flow from PDE5 inhibitors results in firmer, longer-lasting erections.

Now, it’s important to note that erection firmness can be subjective. Most people will notice temporary differences in the quality of their erection depending on stress, energy levels, time of day, alcohol consumption and many other factors.

But if someone can reliably get and keep an erection that’s rigid enough for penetrative intercourse, they probably don’t have ED or a real need to pop a Viagra or Cialis, explains Dr. Bole.

That said, people without ED have recreationally used Viagra or Cialis to increase blood flow to their penis because they want to:

  • Counteract the effects of alcohol or other drugs on their sexual performance.
  • Improve the chances of an erection lasting long enough for sex multiple times.
  • Increase their confidence by reducing anxiety about performance or premature ejaculation.

Does Viagra improve athletic performance?

People also use Viagra and Cialis recreationally to improve their exercise performance. But does it really work? To keep the answer simple: No.

“PDE5 medications can increase oxygen levels and heart function in people who have cardiac risk factors or cardiac disease,” says Dr. Bole. “For people who are healthy, there’s no good evidence that the medications significantly improve athletic abilities in a standard, sea-level environment.”

Why mention the altitude? Well, there’s some evidence that Viagra may make a difference for those doing activities in thin air at higher altitudes.

Researchers found that cyclists taking sildenafil, the medicine marketed as Viagra, improved cardiac output and exercise performance at higher altitudes. Another study focused on Mount Everest trekkers showed that sildenafil increased exercise capacity at high altitudes.

As noted, though, any benefits experienced closer to the clouds do not transfer to lower altitudes where most of us spend our time.

Five risks of recreational Viagra use

The potential consequences of taking Viagra and Cialis recreationally depend on medical, psychological and social factors. The risks range from mild to serious and include:

1. Dangerous interactions with other drugs

PDE5 inhibitors lower blood pressure. Mixing them with other drugs that also lower blood pressure can be potentially life-threatening, says Dr. Bole.

Be sure to review with your healthcare provider all supplements and medications you’re taking to check for potential interactions. Here are some examples of medications known to interact with Viagra or Cialis:

  • Amyl nitrate, which can also be misused as a street drug known as “poppers.”
  • Nitroglycerine, a medication used to treat angina (chest pain) in people with coronary artery disease.
  • Certain types of blood pressure medications, prescription drugs that lower high blood pressure. (Isosorbide mononitrate is one example.)

2. Uncomfortable side effects

The side effects of Viagra and Cialis are usually mild. Headache is a common side effect that can vary from mild to pounding. You may also experience:

  • Acid reflux.
  • Facial flushing.
  • Muscle aches.
  • Stuffy nose.
  • Vision changes.

One of the most severe adverse events is called priapism, a painful erection that lasts for several hours. “Luckily2, it is quite rare when using oral ED medications,” notes Dr. Bole. “But if this happens to you, seek emergency medical care immediately.”

3. Psychological dependency

Frequent use of Viagra or Cialis just to boost confidence can create psychological dependency — especially if you’ve never discussed the issue with anyone. You may eventually feel that you need it to have sex, creating a long-term issue for you and your partner.

“If you are having severe performance anxiety that’s affecting your erections, I recommend talking to your healthcare provider or a sex therapist,” says Dr. Bole.

“A medical professional can discuss your worries about sex; help you set personalized and realistic expectations; and develop strategies to improve your confidence without relying on medication alone.”

You may still choose to try a medication, but understanding the psychology behind sexual performance is a healthier strategy.

4. Unknown dosage and contaminants

ED drugs and supplements are easy to find without a prescription. People get them from friends, family members and online. You can even find them sold as vitamin or herbal supplements at gas stations.

But without a prescription from a reputable provider, you don’t know the dosage of active ingredients in the pills you’re taking or even what may truly be in the medication.

For example, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has issued advisories for “Rhino” male enhancement products. These products are available at gas stations, corner stores and online. Marketed as “dietary supplements,” tests show they may contain hidden PDE5 inhibitors.

Taking these sorts of fraudulent products can be dangerous for unsuspecting consumers, warns the FDA.

5. Association with high-risk behaviors

Combining Viagra or Cialis with alcohol or drugs can lower inhibitions. As a result, you may be more likely to engage in risky sexual behavior that could expose you to sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

“Using ED medications to enhance your sexual performance when you’re under the influence of alcohol or drugs can lead you to make choices that harm your sexual and overall health,” stresses Dr. Bole.

When to talk to your provider about Viagra use

If you’re taking Viagra or Cialis recreationally to improve your sexual or exercise performance, Dr. Bole recommends letting your provider know.

Long-term use could mask a real decline in erectile function due to underlying health problems such as:

“Some patients may feel reluctant or embarrassed to talk about their sex life,” recognizes Dr. Bole. “But we have these conversations all the time with patients. You are not alone. Our role is to help you understand the risks versus benefits and provide guidance without judgment.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Multiple Sclerosis

— How to Have a Healthy Sex Life

Multiple sclerosis (MS), like many other chronic medical conditions, can affect every aspect of a person’s life, including their sex life. MS can create physical and emotional barriers that must be overcome to have a healthy sex life. Here is what you need to know about sex and MS.

By Kristopher Bunting, MD

  • MS can decrease sex drive and cause sexual dysfunction in men and women.
  • The emotional toll of MS can affect sexual function and intimate relationships.
  • Sexual dysfunction caused by MS is treatable with medication and other therapies. Patience, communication, and therapy can help improve relationship problems caused by MS.

Multiple Sclerosis (MS)

Multiple sclerosis affects 2.8 million people worldwide, including 1 million people in the United States alone. MS is an immune-mediated disease that occurs when the body’s immune system attacks healthy nerve cells, ultimately preventing nerves from communicating with one another. MS affects nerves within the brain and throughout the body, causing both physical and mental problems. MS affects the body and the mind, both of which are involved in sexual function.

MS can affect different parts of the brain as well as different parts of the body. This causes people with MS to have different symptoms, severity, and disease progression. While individual experiences with MS vary, MS presents similar challenges and difficulties for everyone.

Physical effects of MS

MS can cause a variety of sexual problems, both directly and indirectly. These are described as primary, secondary, and tertiary sexual dysfunction. Because the brain plays a role in many different bodily functions, problems with communication within and outside the brain can affect sexual function by influencing hormone levels, mental sexual arousal, and physical sexual response. There are many, often unexpected, ways that MS can impact your life.

The effects of primary sexual dysfunction caused by MS include:

  • Low libido (sex drive).
  • Numbness or decreased sensitivity of the genitals.
  • Erectile dysfunction.
  • Poor vaginal lubrication.
  • Difficulty achieving orgasm or ejaculation.

Secondary sexual dysfunction caused by MS includes:

  • Muscle weakness.
  • Muscle spasticity.
  • Fatigue.
  • Pain.
  • Incontinence.

Emotional effects of MS

Sex is both physical and mental; your mental or emotional state affects your sex life. MS can have a profoundly negative impact on mental health and relationships.

Tertiary sexual dysfunction includes problems caused by the emotional and psychological effects of MS.

Depression can cause sexual dysfunction by lowering sex drive, decreasing sexual arousal, and preventing or delaying orgasm. Low self-esteem and poor body image can lead to emotional insecurity. Physical and emotional problems caused by MS can make it difficult to establish and maintain intimate relationships.

How to improve sex with MS

MS, like other chronic illnesses, can force you to make adjustments to how you would normally do things in your day-to-day life; this includes sex. You can improve your sex life by understanding the effects that MS has on your body and mind and making changes to your physical and emotional approach to sex.
Treat sexual dysfunction

MS causes sexual dysfunction in men and women, but it is treatable. There are many treatments available for erectile dysfunction, but there are also treatments available for women with sexual dysfunction marked by difficulty with arousal and orgasm.

To improve sexual dysfunction caused by MS:

  • Treat erectile dysfunction (pills, injections, pumps).
  • Treat female arousal problems with Addyi (flibanserin) or Vyleesi (bremelanotide).
  • Use water-soluble lubrication liberally.
  • Use sex toys to increase stimulation.

Make adjustments based on your limitations

Weakness, pain, and physical limitations can make sex more difficult, but you can make adjustments to your sexual routine to account for these things.

To overcome physical limitations caused by MS:

  1. Adjust sexual positions to increase comfort, reduce pain, and improve stimulation;
  2. Use medication to help with incontinence;
  3. Take medication side effects into account; adjust when you take medications.

Building better relationships with MS

Physical difficulties caused by MS are only half of the problem; the other half is mental. Building and maintaining healthy intimate relationships can be difficult regardless of physical limitations or emotional problems. Relationship problems affect everyone at some point in their lives, whether you have MS or not. Any relationship, sexual or not, can benefit from self-care, patience, and good communication.

To have a healthy intimate relationship with MS:

  1. Seek support, therapy, and/or medication to deal with emotional problems;
  2. Communicate your needs, desires, and expectations with your partner;
  3. Consider couples counseling or sexual therapy.

Communication is the cornerstone of any interpersonal relationship. Good communication is essential for healthy intimate relationships, especially when there are barriers that make intimacy more difficult. Perhaps the most important steps you can take to strengthen a relationship is to share your expectations with your partner and work together to meet those expectations.

Multiple sclerosis takes a physical and emotional toll on those who suffer from it. MS can decrease sexual drive, impair sexual function, make sex physically difficult, and damage intimate relationships. Fortunately, there are ways to improve sexual drive and function in those with MS by using medication and other sexual dysfunction therapies. Additionally, understanding the limitations to sexual activity caused by MS can help you make adjustments that allow you to meet your physical needs. Finally, patience and good communication with your partner are essential for establishing and maintaining a healthy intimate relationship.

A diagnosis of MS is life-changing for both you and those closest to you. MS presents many challenges to living a “normal” life, but those challenges can be met and conquered. Don’t let a diagnosis of MS or other chronic illness keep you from pursuing intimacy or other things that help make life fulfilling.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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One common habit could be key to improving your sex life

— It only takes 20 seconds and can even be done in public

This simple trick could bring you closer to your partner

By Ellie Hutchings

If your sex life has taken a hit recently, trying this 20-second trick could help boost physical intimacy.

As many parents will know, your sex life can change quite dramatically after you have kids. Between sleep deprivation, postpartum hormones and leaky or sensitive boobs thanks to breastfeeding, you’re likely feeling as though you’ve gone off sex. And even when your baby gets older, busy family life means being physically intimate with your partner might remain low down on your list of priorities.

So, if you feel like you need to spice up your relationship, then you’re not alone. But trying something new in the bedroom like tantric sex isn’t the only way to do this -there are much simpler things you can do to improve your sex life.

Appearing on a recent episode of the Diary of a CEO podcast, doctors John and Julie Gottman – who have been married for 36 years and spent decades studying relationships – shared a few small things couples can do to improve their relationship. But there was one habit in particular that makes a difference to sex life.

Citing research published in the book The Normal Bar, Dr John said, “There are really about a dozen things that people do and have a great sex life – saying, ‘I love you’ every day and meaning it is one of them, giving compliments, romantic gifts, having a lot of touch, and cuddling.”

 

And it turns out cuddling is key, as he went on to say, “Of the people who don’t cuddle, only four per cent of them said they had a great sex life. Ninety six per cent of the non-cuddlers had an awful sex life. So touch is very important – even physical touch and affection in public was a big thing.”

So, if you feel like your sex life has been neglected recently, try to take some time to cuddle, and you might notice the difference. Dr John Gottman recommended that twenty seconds is the optimal length of time for a hug, because this releases oxytocin, which makes you feel safe and connected psychologically.

This was found by a study in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine, in which almost 200 people (who were partners in couples that were living together) were given the very stressful task of public speaking. But before the task, half the group had the benefit of a 20-second hug from their partner, while the other half just rested quietly on their own. Both men and women in the hugging group showed lower stress levels.

Feeling safe and calm with your partner is key to improving sex life, particularly for women, as Dr John explained in the podcast. Speaking to host and entrepreneur Steven Bartlett, he said: “Men don’t need to feel safe to feel sexual, women do. Women need to feel psychologically safe and that means emotional connection – it also means there can’t be a long to-do list of things that they have to get done.”

This might explain why you rarely feel in the mood for sex after having kids – because chances are your to-do list feels neverending. But as well as that 20-second hug, communicating your needs and explaining the mental load to your partner could help you feel more physically connected again.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Lesbians are way more likely to orgasm than straight women, new study finds

By

We have yet another reason to feel sorry for straight women — and another reason to celebrate the joy of lesbianism. According to a new study, lesbians are much better at getting their partners to orgasm than straight men (but really, we already figured as much).

The study, “The Role of Partner Gender: How Sexual Expectations Shape the Pursuit of an Orgasm Goal for Heterosexual, Lesbian, and Bisexual Women,” comes from researchers at Rutgers University. In a two-phase survey, women of various sexualities were asked about their last sexual experiences, and the results speak for themselves.

The first phase asked 476 lesbian and heterosexual women about their most recent sexual experience. Lesbian women reported orgasming 20% more than straight women.

The second phase of the study focused on bisexual women, asking them to imagine sex with both men and women and reporting how likely they think they’d be to orgasm in each scenario on a scale of one to seven. Imagining sex with women yielded an average score of 5.86, compared to only 4.88 for hypothetical sex with men.

There was some common ground for all the women in the study, though: no matter their own sexuality or their partner’s gender, clitoral stimulation was the key to reaching orgasm.

Kate Dickman, one of the study’s lead authors, offered some advice for those struggling to climax (or struggling to get their partner there). “If women, or men partnered with women, want to increase their own or their partners’ orgasm, they should create an environment that encourages orgasm pursuit through diverse sex acts, particularly those involving clitoral stimulation,” she wrote.

To that end, the researchers discovered a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy: when they were having sex with other women, the study participants thought they had a greater chance to orgasm, and because they were expecting it, it was more likely to happen. In other words, expecting to orgasm means you’re more likely to, and so far, lesbians have been better at setting high expectations.

“The problem is not inherent to men or to being heterosexual, but to the dominant sexual scripts associated with heterosexual sex,” explained Grace Wetzel, another of the study’s authors. “Sexual scripts are flexible and can be changed.”

Basically, straight men need to take a page from the lesbian book and give straight women the foreplay and attention they deserve.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is Sexual Performance Anxiety?

BY Carley Millhone

Sexual performance anxiety is a form of performance anxiety that causes intense fear or worry before or during sex. Many people feel nervous before having sex. However, if you feel so anxious about sexual expectations or body image that you can’t perform sexually, you may have sexual performance anxiety.1

Sexual performance anxiety can affect anyone, but it is more common in people in males. Eventually, sex-related anxiety can make it impossible to have sex with your partner and may eventually strain your relationship. Sexual performance anxiety can also lead to other sexual disorders, like erectile dysfunction.1

Fortunately, there are a few ways to address and get past sexual performance anxiety.

Like other forms of performance anxiety, sexual performance anxiety can affect you mentally and physically. People with sexual performance anxiety are so overwhelmed by sex-related worries, negative thoughts, or fears that they have trouble engaging in sexual activity. These negative thoughts or fears may happen before or during sex.1

As a result, you may be unable to maintain an erection, climax, or ejaculate. You can completely lose your desire to have sex. You may also experience physical symptoms of anxiety, like increased heart rate, upset stomach, and shaking.2

Sexual performance anxiety symptoms commonly found in males include:2

Symptoms of sexual performance anxiety in females may include:2

People can have different fears, experiences, and worries that can affect sexual performance. Potential causes of sexual performance anxiety include:13

  • Feeling worried about your partner’s sexual expectations or satisfaction
  • Feeling concerned about how masculine or feminine you come across during sex
  • Lacking self-esteem or having a negative body image
  • Being physically or emotionally unattracted to your partner
  • Feeling anxious about past negative sexual experiences
  • Feeling fear or anxiety related to sexual trauma

How exactly do stressful and anxious thoughts affect sexual performance? When you become stressed or anxious, your body kicks off its stress response by producing more of the stress hormone cortisol. When cortisol levels rise, levels of the sex hormone testosterone drop—decreasing your sex drive, or libido. In males, low testosterone is also linked to erectile dysfunction.4

People with substance use disorders, anxiety, and depression may also experience sexual dysfunction and disinterest that can lead to sexual performance anxiety. Medications used to treat anxiety and depression can also negatively affect libido and sexual performance.5

Lack of sex due to sexual performance anxiety can harm romantic relationships. Studies show couples who engage in higher rates of sexual activity build greater intimacy and have a lower divorce rate.6< Being unable to have sex or enjoy sex can make partners feel less connected and intimate. As a result, your partner may feel like you are avoiding intimacy because you do not desire or care for them. People with sexual performance anxiety may also start to feel cautious of their partners, which disrupts trust and intimacy.3< Identifying your triggers and finding ways to destress can often help you learn how to manage the negative thoughts and feelings affecting your sex life. Coping strategies include:2

  • Mindfulness meditation to better understand your thoughts and desires related to sex7
  • Yoga to help manage stress and improve the mind-body relationship as it relates to sex, which can also help manage premature ejaculation8
  • Masturbating to learn more about what you enjoy and feel during sex
  • Seeing a sex therapist to identify thoughts or feelings that lead to sexual performance anxiety.

Talking with your partner can also help you cope with sexual performance anxiety. Open communication can help partners better understand your feelings and struggles related to sex. Your partner may also offer valuable insight into the false, preconceived thoughts that prevent you from performing sexually—like your body image or performance concerns.2< Accepting sex isn’t perfect or spending more time focusing on foreplay can also help improve intimacy. Other ways you can help build intimacy without sex include:9

  • Cuddling
  • Kissing
  • Hugging
  • Holding hands
  • Spending quality time together

Reach out to a healthcare provider if your anxieties around sexual performance and dysfunction are affecting your relationships and quality of life. They can refer you to a licensed sex therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist for therapy services. You may also be able to contact these mental health professionals directly.

Some symptoms of sexual performance anxiety may also point to an underlying sexual dysfunction disorder.1 If you’re unable to perform sexually for a few months, see a healthcare provider to make sure you don’t have an underlying condition.

Sexual dysfunction symptoms that warrant a visit to your primary care provider, urologist, gynecologist, or OB-GYN include:1011

  • Premature ejaculation
  • Delayed ejaculation
  • Erectile dysfunction
  • Reduced or no interest in sex
  • Vaginal dryness
  • Pain during sex
  • Inability to orgasm

Sexual performance anxiety treatment often depends on the cause, and research on the overall success of these treatments is limited. However, treatment typically involves a combination of therapy and medication.2

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

Talking out your feelings with a therapist is a common approach to treating sexual performance anxiety. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a common talk therapy used to treat performance anxiety.12

CBT helps people learn to reframe negative thoughts around sex that make it difficult or impossible to perform. This helps build awareness of triggers while learning to actively dismantle and redirect them.2

Mindfulness sex therapy can also help people with sexual performance anxiety learn to understand their bodily sensations and become aware of how they react to sex. This type of therapy often incorporates CBT practices.2

Couples Therapy

Couples therapy helps people with sexual performance anxiety communicate their feelings with their partner and explore feelings that may affect sexual performance. This therapy focuses on the couple as a whole, not just the partner with sexual performance anxiety.2

This approach can help remove shame, fear, and miscommunication between couples. Couples therapy helps create an open dialogue related to sources of emotional distress or negativity while creating active solutions to solve them.2

Medication

Erective dysfunction medications like Viagra (sildenafil) and Cialis (tadalafil) may help males with sexual performance anxiety who are unable to maintain an erection. These medications increase blood flow to the penis to help keep an erection.13

Limited research shows anxiety medications like BuSpar (buspirone) and antidepressants like Wellbutrin (bupropion) and Desyrel (trazodone) can help reduce sexual performance anxiety. Unlike some anxiety drugs that decrease sexual function, these medications can affect brain chemistry in a way that may improve sexual arousal and sex drive.7

Sexual performance anxiety affects sexual performance before or during sex. If you have this type of performance anxiety, you may be unable to have sex, become aroused, or climax. Males with sexual performance anxiety often have issues with erectile dysfunction.

If you or your partner is experiencing sexual performance anxiety, having open communication and seeing a healthcare provider, like a licensed sex therapist, can help. Cognitive behavioral therapy, couples therapy, or medication may also help.

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