Category: Sexual Performance Issues

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How My Sex Life Changed After My Breast Cancer Diagnosis

By Molly Longman

On Dec. 2, 2015, Erin Burnett was two days out from her wedding and existing in the buzzy state of bliss that’s reserved for people who are very much in love. That morning, as she was happily daydreaming in the shower, she noticed something was different about her left nipple. She took a closer look — it seemed to be inverted. She felt an immediate chill; the sudsy water suddenly felt like ice.

She called her doctor, who said Burnett could come in during her lunch break to get her breast checked out, just as a precaution.

After some testing, the doctor told Burnett to come back after her wedding day. She tried to put the experience out of her mind until after the ceremony. Just 12 days after tying the knot, at 28 years old, Burnett got the call. She had stage II, triple-positive, invasive ductal carcinoma. Her honeymoon would be cut short.

The diagnosis impacted Burnett’s life in myriad ways — but a major factor was the impact on her sex life. “I had a brand-new marriage, with no honeymoon phase,” she remembers. “I used to joke around with my friends and say: ‘You guys are having these crazy sex lives where someone pulls your hair, while my husband’s picking my hair up off the ground.'”

Burnett underwent a double mastectomy and a hysterectomy, which induced what’s known as medical menopause. “I didn’t know until it happened that I was gonna have vaginal atrophy, vaginal dryness, pain with intercourse, lack of lubrication, and lack of libido [following the hysterectomy],” she says. She also faced emotional hurdles, especially as she coped with losing her breasts and went through painful attempts at reconstruction.

Throughout the treatment process, Burnett and her medical team were so focused on saving her life that her quality of life often took a backseat. In particular, the quality of her sex life was not top of mind for her or her providers.

This is a common refrain from cancer survivors, who say that the medical establishment tends to leave out or breeze through conversations about the ways cancer can impact your sexual health, especially because they’re rightfully so laser-focused on keeping you alive. But this can have serious ramifications for people’s sexual health, mental health, and relationships, says Ericka Hart, MEd, a sex educator and breast cancer survivor. “They’re usually not concerned about the ways that you are gonna experience pleasure in the future, they just want to fix you — and in their mind, cancer is the issue they’re fixing,” they say.

This often puts the onus on patients to bring up questions about how their diagnosis and treatment will affect their sexual health.

Anna Crollman, a 37-year-old breast cancer survivor from North Carolina, remembers feeling incredibly nervous about asking her provider about the sexual side effects, such as painful intercourse, she was experiencing during and after her treatment. “I like to call it the ‘doorknob question’ that you squeeze in right when they’re about to leave and their hand’s almost on the door,” she says. “You say: ‘Hey, just one more thing.'”

But if sexual health is brought up earlier and more often by providers, it’s not only easier for patients to discuss their issues when they’re ready to do so, but also for them to find more satisfaction with sex in the long run — and to feel less alone, says Don S. Dizon, MD, a professor of medicine at Brown University and director of the Sexual Health First Responders Clinic at Lifespan Cancer Institute.

It’s common, especially for women and nonbinary people, to blame themselves for sexual health issues and feel they have to suffer alone. “Most of the people I see feel like they’re the only ones going through this,” he says. “When I tell a person, ‘This is really common,’ there’s a weight lifted off their shoulders because [until then,] they think they’ve done something wrong.”

But patients shouldn’t be deterred from seeking information about improving their sexual health, despite cancer, and they shouldn’t have to work up extra courage to get answers. As Dr. Dizon puts it: “everyone deserves a sex life.”

The Physical Impacts Cancer Can Have on Sex

Breast cancer treatments can dampen physical desire in several ways. Breasts are an erogenous organ, Dr. Dizon says, and oftentimes a mastectomy is required as part of treatment. “The loss of breast-specific sensuality is something everyone will go through to some degree,” he says. “The process of naming that is really important, because people don’t consciously think of the breast as a sexual organ, and it is.”

Meanwhile, for those with hormone-positive breast cancer, doctors often prescribe drugs called aromatase inhibitors that lower estrogen levels, causing medically induced menopause. “These notoriously have a negative effect on sexuality, whether it’s vaginal dryness, painful activities, or loss of desire,” Dr. Dizon says. “Chemotherapy can also harm body image, because people gain a lot of weight, and it can cause neuropathy and physical side effects like nausea and diarrhea.”

As patients know, these physical impacts can take a real toll.

Shonté Drakeford, a nurse practitioner and patient advocate in Maryland, was diagnosed with stage four metastatic breast cancer in 2015, after being dismissed by providers for six years when she presented with symptoms. Drakeford says that before her diagnosis, her sex life with her high school sweetheart was “amazing.” For the first two years of treatment, she had no major sexual side effects, though she had to be careful about what positions she took part in, as the cancer had spread to her lungs, lymph nodes, ribs, spine, and left hip. “I asked my doctor what I could do that wouldn’t harm me, physically, because I was fragile,” she remembers. “He got all red and was embarrassed to answer.”

About three years into treatment, Drakeford noticed that her libido had lessened, and she was experiencing vaginal dryness. “Even though, mentally, I wanted to [have sex], my mind and vagina didn’t connect,” she says. “It was like a slow transition into a menopausal state.” This was due to her treatments, which she couldn’t stop. “I’ll be on treatment forever; this is lifelong for me,” she says. “I wish they had Viagra for women.”

Drakeford’s doctors told her that vaginal estrogen therapy — which some menopausal people use to help with some sexual side effects — wasn’t an option for her; her cancer was hormone-positive, so it essentially fed on hormones like estrogen. “It’s all about safety,” Drakeford says. “Am I willing to risk my health for sexual satisfaction?”

Cancer Can Cause Mental Health Barriers to Satisfying Sex, Too

Beyond these physical questions, mental hurdles are also prevalent amid cancer treatments. Many of us have ideas about what sex “should” look like, and those are challenged by a life-changing diagnosis like cancer, says Emily Nagoski, PhD, a sex educator and author of “Come as You Are” and “Come Together.”

Hart says that they felt “disconnected from their body” after their cancer diagnosis, something that they believe to be common for other survivors, but that looks different for everyone. As they were being treated for breast cancer in 2014, they struggled with how their body was constantly being touched, especially by white medical staff. Hart, who is Black, found that this challenged their understanding of bodily autonomy and lead to them distancing themself from their romantic partner, who was white. “I didn’t want a white person to touch me sexually,” they remember.

Hart says that something else shifted following their mastectomy: they felt like people could no longer see them as a whole person — they only saw Hart’s illness. At one point in their healing process, Hart went topless in public, baring their double mastectomy scars to end “the lack of Black, brown, LGBTQIA+ representations and visibility in breast cancer awareness.” As important as this messaging was, Hart felt “de-sexualized” by some of the responses their display elicited. “People would see my topless pictures and respond: ‘Oh my God, you’re so inspiring,'” they say. “But if anybody with nipples went topless on the internet, that would not be the response.”

This is a commonly felt sentiment among breast cancer patients — they feel society begins to see them only as patients, rather than sexual beings. Hart points out that you rarely see sex scenes with cancer patients in the media. FWIW, the only one I could think of was in “Desperate Housewives,” which involved a somewhat superficial plot about Tom feeling uncomfortable having sex with Lynette when she wasn’t wearing her wig, and Lynette fearing it meant he was no longer attracted to her. (This is a real fear among patients, though Dr. Nagoski notes: “In a great relationship, we’re attracted to the human being we chose to be with, not to the body parts of that human. It’s normal to have feelings about changes to our bodies and our partners’ bodies, of course, but a strong relationship adapts to those changes with love and trust.”)

Meanwhile, Crollman, who was diagnosed with cancer at 27, adds that the mental barriers to sex after cancer were “the hardest part.” “The pain, of course, is physically uncomfortable, but even though my partner and I tried so hard to stay in open communication, the reality was, we went through a very, very dry spell,” she says. “I was feeling really lost, mentally. I went through a deep depression, and I was seeing a therapist to cope because I really didn’t feel comfortable in my body.” After having a double mastectomy, Crollman felt “vulnerable” being in front of someone else while she was still “struggling to come to terms with the body that I had.”

Plus, not being intimate for a period due to these understandable challenges led to “more physical triggers and trauma around that experience — around the fear of it, around the pain that was related to it because of the side effects,” Crollman remembers. “So it was kind of this multileveled, emotional, psychological challenge.”

Finding Pleasure Again Post-Diagnosis

The physical and emotional stressors surrounding sex are very real, but reframing can help cancer patients to work through them. “The stakes around treatment certainly may be high, but the stakes around sex are not” — or at least, they don’t have to be, Dr. Nagoski says.

Although our culture tells us we can somehow “fail” sexually, especially “if we don’t perform according to some external, bullshit standard, the reality is there is nothing to lose, there is no way to fail,” Dr. Nagoski says. “We only imagine we’re doing it ‘wrong’ when we compare our experiences to some bogus cultural script of what sex ‘should’ be like — a script that was always irrelevant to our lives, but after a cancer diagnosis is just an absurd, pointless, and even cruel standard against which to assess our sexual connections. There is nothing at stake with sex; you have nothing to lose, only pleasure and connection to gain.”< Pleasure can look different to different people, and sex is just one piece of it. In order to maximize satisfaction for all parties involved, Dr. Nagoski says you first need to get on the same page as your partner — and that means getting curious. "If your partner wants sex, ask each other these important questions: What is it that you want, when you want sex with each other? And what is it that you don't want? When don't you want sex with each other? And, perhaps most importantly, what kind of sex is worth having — as in, what makes sex worth not spending that time watching 'Parks & Recreation'?"

Also, “You could decide to take all sex entirely off the table,” Dr. Nagoski says. “That’s a legitimate choice.” Hart adds that some couples may decide to open up their relationship amid cancer.

However, many people with cancer do want to try to explore sex and pleasure again, whatever that looks like for them. But because there are so few good resources out there and so much stigma around the topic, they may do so with varying levels of success.< Hart, for example, discovered that kink and BDSM was a sexual space of healing for them. "After being poked and prodded and having surgeries and chemotherapy literally once a week with a giant needle, I wanted to go into spaces where I could reclaim that pain," they say. "So doing things like impact play — being consensually spanked and hit — I could reclaim the pain after years of feeling like I didn't have a choice of opting into it." Hart also recommends working with a sex therapist to find pleasure again, which may include finding ways to incorporate chest play after a mastectomy, whether you still have nipples or not. Dr. Nagoski recommends the book “Better Sex Through Mindfulness” by Lori Brotto, who specializes in sexual health interventions for those with cancer and for survivors of sexual trauma.

Dr. Dizon adds that some healthcare providers might be more comfortable pointing their patients to resources rather than giving them actual advice about their sex lives, so asking your doctor if they have recommendations for something to read or a support network you could join might be a smart tactic for finding the support you seek.

Drakeford says she hasn’t been shy about asking for resources but still hasn’t felt satisfied with the level of pleasure she’s experienced since her diagnosis. She’s tried vaginal moisturizers, lube, and sex toys and hasn’t seen much success. “I even tried that slippery elm herb — it did nothing. Not a thing!” Drakeford says. “I’ve been going on nine years without things improving. I hope researchers can get on this and find something that actually works for people like me . . . even if it’s not during my lifetime.”

Burnett, for her part, has tried to be intentional about pleasure from the very beginning — though it hasn’t been easy.

While she was undergoing chemo, Burnett says, she and her partner scheduled sex around treatments. “The first couple of days after chemo, your body’s pretty toxic, so you aren’t going to be intimate,” she says. “Then seven to 10 days after is when you’re at your sickest. So for us, it was usually around that two-week mark that we’d schedule time to be intimate, before the next round.”

Since going into medical menopause, Burnett’s tried multiple tactics to make sex post-breast-cancer more pleasurable with her partner, including lubes, moisturizers, and laser therapy. (Dr. Dizon notes it’s important for those with breast cancer to find options that have specifically been studied in people with breast cancer, not the general population.) She also had to mentally get used to the changes in her breasts — though getting a mastectomy scar tattoo helped her regain some confidence, both in general and in the bedroom.

Although Burnett didn’t get the honeymoon phase she’d always dreamed about, she did learn quickly that she’d found a partner who’d keep every word of his vows. “There is something really intimate about someone who can be there for you and hold your hair back as you’re throwing up, and pick it up as it’s falling out,” she adds, nodding to her old joke about her friends having their hair pulled.

The couple’s 10-year anniversary is coming up next year, and they’re planning to finally take that honeymoon they never got. “It’ll be a different kind of honeymoon, because my body is just different from most other 36-year-olds’ out there. But it will also be a celebration of surviving 10 years.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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My Cervical Cancer Diagnosis Changed the Way I Think About Sex

— I’ll never approach sexual risk the same way again

By Andrea Karr

I’ve long been a fan of condom use and STI testing. I’m the woman who carries a rubber in her wallet *just in case* and heads to the lab a couple times a year to have my blood and urine screened for gonorrhea, syphilis and other sexually transmitted infections.

Occasionally, I’ve foregone the condom. I’d like a guy and we’d sleep together a few times. One night, he’d suggest that it would feel way better if we skipped protection. He’d keep the conversation light but would make it clear that we’d both have more fun if I’d loosen up. I wouldn’t want to come off as a killjoy or prude, so sometimes I’d give in. Each time it happened and I received a clear STI test afterward, I’d sigh with relief and go on with my life.

But then I was diagnosed with cervical cancer after a routine Pap test when I was 35. The fastest increasing cancer in females in Canada and third most common cancer in Canadian women ages 25 to 44, cervical cancer is almost always caused by human papillomavirus (HPV), an STI with more than 200 strains that can also cause vaginal, vulvar, penile, anal and oropharyngeal (a.k.a. throat, tonsils, soft palate and back of the tongue) cancer. HPV often has no symptoms, and cervical cancer can take one or two decades to develop after infection. Though condoms don’t guarantee protection, they reduce the risk of transmission.

Cervical cancer is no joke for a woman’s wellbeing and fertility. I was very lucky that my cancer was caught at the earliest stage: 1a1. I required two small surgical procedures (called LEEPs) to remove the cancerous cells, and now I get checkups every three months. If it was caught later, I might have needed a hysterectomy, radiation and/or chemotherapy, which could have harmed my eggs or put me into early menopause.

The phrase “it’s cancer” is something we hope to never hear in our lifetime. Those little words changed my life. As a result, I spent a lot of time looking back on my sexual relationships. I regretted ever having sex at all at first. Sex is what gave me cancer! But then I realized that just being alive carries risk, and I don’t want to avoid intimate relationships, which can be so crucial to physical, emotional and mental wellbeing, just because I could get hurt.

Instead of abstaining from sex, I decided I wanted to get educated about my risk, then develop clear boundaries that I can confidently communicate to a partner. I also want to break down the guilt or shame I feel about being a “killjoy” or “prude.” I have a great justification: a history of gynecological cancer. But no one should need a life-altering event to justify having sexual boundaries.

Still, it’s not easy. “As a woman, you’ve been told your whole life that if you stand up for yourself, if you don’t go with the flow, you are difficult, and that it’s not feminine to be difficult,” says Frederique Chabot, sexual health educator and acting executive director at national organization Action Canada for Sexual Health and Rights. She’s referring to the way most girls and women are socialized growing up. “In romantic or sexual scenarios, there are many things that can put you at risk of retaliation, of reputational damage, of harassment. There is the pressure put on women to say ‘yes,’ people asking, asking, asking, asking. That’s not consent. That is getting pressured into doing something you’re not willing to do.”

A woman's legs and a man's legs intertwined in bed

I’m now comfortable with having a detailed chat about sexual history, STI testing, HPV vaccination and condom use before I get into bed with someone. Of course, it’s not only on me. Men are at risk for HPV and other STIs too.

So far, I’ve had this conversation with two guys. One responded badly; now he has no place in my life. The second agreed to have a fresh STI test before we had sex. He also looked into the HPV vaccine, which he ended up getting, and he is okay with consistent condom use. We’ve been dating for almost a year.

I know that every woman in the world won’t share the same boundaries as me. That’s okay. But there are potential risks to sexual contact, even though our hook-up culture likes to pretend otherwise. It’s about deciding how much risk you can live with and then feeling empowered to communicate that. I won’t let my desire for acceptance compromise my sexual health going forward. I hope, after hearing my story, no one else will either.

“Instead of abstaining from sex, I decided I wanted to get educated about my risk, then develop clear boundaries that I can confidently communicate to a partner.”

Ways to be proactive

HPV vaccination

In Canada, Gardasil 9 is the go-to HPV vaccine and it protects against nine high-risk strains of HPV that cause cancer and genital warts. Health Canada currently recommends it for everyone aged 9 to 26, and it’s offered for free in schools sometime between grades 4 and 7, depending on the province or territory. Though it’s most effective when administered before becoming sexually active, it can still have benefits later in life. I wasn’t vaccinated at the time I was diagnosed with cervical cancer, and all my healthcare practitioners told me to get vaccinated immediately. The Canadian Cancer Society recommends the HPV vaccine for all girls and women ages 9 to 45Regular Pap tests

In Canada, most provinces and territories rely on Pap tests to check for cellular changes that, if left untreated, may lead to cervical cancer. Generally, the recommendation is to go to your doctor or a free sexual health clinic every three years (if everything looks normal) starting at age 21 or 25. I had no symptoms for cervical cancer; it was caught early thanks to a routine Pap test. You still need to go for regular Pap tests even if you’ve been vaccinated, you’ve only had sex one time or you’re postmenopausal.

HPV testing

Free STI tests that you can get through your family doctor or a sexual health clinic do not check for HPV. They usually test for chlamydia and gonorrhea (and maybe also syphilis, HIV and hepatitis C). If a sexual partner tells you they’ve had a clear STI panel, they’re probably not talking about HPV since it’s a test that comes with a fee.

P.E.I. and B.C. are transitioning from Pap testing every three years to HPV testing every five years. HPV testing is more accurate than Pap testing. It can detect certain strains of high-risk HPV with about 95 per cent accuracy, while Pap tests are only about 55 per cent accurate at detecting cellular changes on the cervix, which is why they need to be done more frequently.

The shift to provincially covered HPV screening in other provinces is slow. Ontario, for example, may be years away from the transition.

DIY testing

Canadian company Switch Health has launched a self-collection HPV test that can be ordered online for $99. You do your own internal swab, mail your results to the lab and get your results from an online portal—it can take as little as a week. It screens for 14 high-risk strains of HPV, including types 16 and 18, which cause 70 per cent of cervical cancers and precancerous cervical lesions. If you test positive for one of the strains, you should see your family doctor, and if you don’t have one, Switch “will work to set you up with one of our partners for a virtual or in-person appointment,” says co-founder Mary Langley.

The cost may be a barrier, plus privately purchased DIY tests aren’t supported by the infrastructure that there is for Pap testing. “There are quality control checks in place. There’s evidence review on a regular basis. Many people will receive letters from [their provincial health agency] telling them they’re due for their Pap,” says Dr. Aisha Lofters, a scientist and family physician at Women’s College Hospital in Toronto. But if you aren’t getting regular Paps because you don’t have easy access to a doctor or you’re uncomfortable going in for the test, it’s a lot better than nothing.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Lesbian Bed Death could be plaguing thousands of women

Lesbian Bed Death is a contraversial term used to describe gay couples’ sex lives

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It may be 2024, but one controversial term from the 1980s is coming back from the grave.

Lesbian Bed Death is, simply put, the idea that lesbian couples have less sex.

It’s a sweeping generalisation of the gay community, but why has it gained traction?

‘Research by Blumstein & Schwartz in 1983 showed 47% of women in long term lesbian relationships (two plus years) reported having sex zero to one times per month. There was a sharp decline after two years,’ Miranda Christophers, psychosexual and relationship therapist for menopause platform Issviva tells Metro.co.uk.

Further studies including a literature review by Peplau & Fingerhut in 2007 found that lesbian couples have sex less frequently, on average, than other couple configurations.

Miranda also points to a recent 2021 study, by Chapman University in California, which found women in five-year relationships or longer have less frequent sex than their heterosexual counterparts.

About 43% of the coupled lesbian participants had sex zero to one times per month, while the findings for the heterosexual women was 16%, implying more straight women had more frequent sex.

There is research which suggests lesbian couples have less sex than heterosexual couples
There is research which suggests lesbian couples have less sex than heterosexual couples

While we certainly aren’t going to buy into the idea that all lesbian women have, and are content with, sexless relationships, Miranda explains why sex could die out.

‘Lesbian couples, but broadly speaking, anyone of any sexual orientation, do see a change in the frequency of sex over long term relationships,’ she adds.

‘Earlier on there is more sexual drive and exploration, regardless of gender identity – especially when you live together and experience that domesticity and familiarity.’

But why is this the case for lesbian women specifically?

Miranda says that hormonal changes can really impact the frequency with which women choose to have sex.

‘The hormonal fluctuations may play a big part, people have periods where they might feel more desire than others,’ she explains.

‘Studies have shown that responsive desire occurs more commonly in females than spontaneous desire, which is definitely something I see in my clinical work.

‘If you’ve got two people together who experience more responsive desire, they might be less inclined to have sex because they aren’t wanting to initiate.’

Miranda believes one of the reasons lesbian couples could have less sex is because of hormonal changes
Miranda believes one of the reasons lesbian couples could have less sex is because of hormonal changes

Emily Nagoski, in her book Come As You Are, estimates that around 75% of men and 15% of women experience spontaneous sexual desire, which is exactly what it suggests.

Meanwhile, 5% of men and 30% of women experience responsive desire, which is when arousal only happens after stimulation.

How to navigate responsive arousal:

Sex therapist Laura’s top tips for dealing with responsive arousal (and recognising when you actually want to have sex) are as follows:

  • Understand that there’s nothing wrong with you and that you’re normal.
  • Try different things to spark your sex drive. You have no desire for sex until you are in the process of receiving some physical stimulation so you need to find out what works for you.
  • Understand how you get turned on. The point is to find out if you notice any sign of sexual arousal in response to stimulation and when exactly it happens.
  • Practice orgasm breathing. It can really help to relax, increase sensitivity, and switch off the brain. This practice helps bring arousal and orgasm closer.
  • Work on external factors – if a person is not aroused by erotic thoughts or fantasies, some other factors can do their part – preparing an intimate setting or practicing with various erogenous zones, toys.

Everybody’s libido is different, so enjoy getting to know yourself without the pressure, and have fun doing it!

The other thing women experience which can wreak havoc on their hormones, and subsequently affect their sex drive, is the menopause.

‘The menopause affecting sex drive is definitely a thing. When women hit perimenopause they can notice changes in their sexual desire. It’s a really, really common presentation in the women I see,’ Miranda explains.

Some menopause symptoms that could impact your sex life are breast tenderness, low mood, worsening PMS, vaginal dryness and changes in discharge, thrush, BV, low libido, urinary infections, sexual dysfunction, fatigue, increased period frequency and insomnia – to name a few.

‘How women are feeling in themselves changes… body image changes,’ Miranda adds. ‘They may experience sexual discomfort, or they may be less sexual, there may be less sensitivity.

‘There may also be less lubrication or increased dryness and the vaginal tissue might thin and become more painful.

‘These sorts of things are obviously going to have an effect on [your sex life] because if sex isn’t feeling as enjoyable, or is feeling painful, then you are less inclined to want to do it.’

When you have two women experiencing these changes (assuming couples are of a similar age) this could in theory lead to lesbian women having less sex, Miranda explains, although there are plenty of women who still have sex despite the menopause and with HRT, hormones can be balanced for some women.

Ultimately lesbian bed death isn't applicable for a lot of lesbian couples and as long as a couple is happy with their sex life, the frequency of sex doesn't matter
Ultimately lesbian bed death isn’t applicable for a lot of lesbian couples and as long as a couple is happy with their sex life, the frequency of sex doesn’t matter

Why we should reject the Lesbian Bed Death

This ‘drop off’ of sexual intimacy certainly won’t be the case for all lesbian couples though. It’s also important to remember that our sex lives sit on a spectrum, according to Miranda.

Largely, Lesbian Bed Death should be a term taken with a pinch of salt – after all, to reduce lesbian women in long term relationships to cohabiters is plain wrong.

In fact, a study has shown that while lesbian women were found to have less frequent sex, the sex they did have was ‘more prolonged, intense, and orgasmic’, than those in heterosexual relationships.

The Chapman University study also found women in same-sex relationships were found to be more likely to experience orgasm at 85%, versus 66% in heterosexual relationships.

Lesbian women also had sex that lasted more than 30 minutes (72%), versus 48% for heterosexual women.

What areas did lesbian couples have more frequent sex in?

  • Oral sex: lesbian (53%), heterosexual (41%)
  • Deep kissing: lesbian (80%), heterosexual (71%)
  • Stimulation by hand: lesbian (90%), heterosexual (83%)
  • Use of sex toys in partnered sex: lesbian (62%), heterosexual (40%)
  • Discussed erotic fantasies: lesbian (44%), heterosexual (36%)

Percentages were higher for lesbians when it came to mood setting activities including using music, candles, saying ‘I love you’, scheduling time for sex and arranging romantic breaks.

Miranda also says that the implications of a death bed are pretty dire, when actually some lesbian couple’s sex lives may not suffer at all.

‘This concept of lesbian bed death, is it’s almost this idea sex is going to drop off completely,’ she explains. ‘It sounds like it’s going to meet an abrupt ending at some point, doesn’t it? I think that’s a complete misconception.’

She adds: ‘It’s a bit scare mongering. For some couples, if neither party is bothered, then less or no sex is not an issue – it’s an issue when one wants to have sex and the and the other doesn’t.

‘That’s also regardless of whether it’s a same sex couple or an opposite sex couple.’

While Miranda does see plenty of women struggling with a lack of desire, a lack of sex or intimacy but that’s because she only sees people who are struggling with their relationships in her line of work.

There are countless lesbian couples who aren’t experiencing Lesbian Bed Death and are have sex as and when they want.

‘I see both same sex and opposite relationships who are experiencing desire discrepancy so my observations are that desire, interest, frequency and enjoyment of sex is not determined by gender, sexuality or relationship configuration,’ Miranda says.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Top 10 drugs that may contribute to sexual dysfunction

By Naveed Saleh, MD, MS

Key Takeaways

  • A variety of prescription medications, along with the conditions they treat, may contribute to sexual dysfunction.
  • Some of these drugs are known to interfere with sexual health, such as antidepressants and beta blockers; lesser known culprits include thiazide diuretics or opioids.
  • Clinicians can help by being aware of medications that may affect sexual function, having open discussions with patients, and adjusting medications where needed.

Sexual dysfunction can be an adverse effect of various prescription medications, as well as the conditions that they treat. Some of these treatments, such as antidepressants and certain antihypertensives, likely come as no surprise to the clinician. Others, however, are not as well-known.

Here are 10 types of prescription medicines that contribute to sexual dysfunction.

Antiandrogens

Antiandrogens are used to treat a gamut of androgen-dependent diseases, including benign prostatic hyperplasia, prostate cancer, paraphilias, hypersexuality, and priapism, as well as precocious puberty in boys.

The androgen-blocking effect of these drugs—including cimetidine, cyproterone, digoxin, and spironolactone—decreases sexual desire in both sexes, as well as impacting arousal and orgasm.

Immunosuppressants

Prednisone and other steroids commonly used to treat chronic inflammatory conditions decrease testosterone levels, thus compromising sexual desire in males and leading to erectile dysfunction (ED). 

Sirolimus and everolimus, which are steroid-sparing agents used in the setting of kidney transplant, can mitigate gonadal function and also lead to ED.

HIV meds

The focus of dolutegravir (DTG)-based antiretroviral therapy has been on efficacy, as measured by viral load. Nevertheless, these drugs appear to affect sexual health, which can erode quality of life, according to authors writing in BMC Infectious Diseases.[1]

“Sexual dysfunction following transition to DTG-based regimens is common in both sexes of [people living with HIV], who indicated that they had no prior experience of difficulties in sexual health,” the study authors wrote. “Our findings demonstrate that sexual ADRs negatively impact self-esteem, overall quality of life and impair gender relations. DTG-related sexual health problems merit increased attention from HIV clinicians.”

Cancer treatments

Both cancer and cancer treatment can impair sexual relationships. And cancer treatment itself can further contribute to sexual dysfunction.

For example, long-acting gonadotropin-releasing agonists used to treat prostate and breast cancer can lead to hypogonadism, resulting in lower sexual desire, orgasmic dysfunction, erectile dysfunction in men; and vaginal atrophy/dyspareunia in women.[2]

Hormonal agents given during the course of endocrine therapy in cancer care lead to a sudden and substantial decrease of estrogens via their effects at different regulatory levels. Selective ER modulators (SERMs) are used to treat ER-positive breast cancers and bind ERs α and β. These receptors are crucial in the functioning of reproductive, cardiovascular, bone, muscular, and central nervous systems. Tamoxifen is the most common SERM used.

In females, reduced estrogen levels due to endocrine therapy can lead to vaginal dryness and discomfort, pain when urinating, dyspareunia, and spotting during intercourse.

Antipsychotics

Per the research, males taking antipsychotic medications report ED, less interest in sex, and lower satisfaction with orgasm, with delayed, inhibited, or retrograde ejaculation. Females taking antipsychotics report lower sexual desire, difficulty achieving orgasm, anorgasmia, and impaired orgasm quality. 

“The majority of antipsychotics cause sexual dysfunction by dopamine receptor blockade,” according to the authors of a review article published in the Australian Prescriber.[3] “This causes hyperprolactinaemia with subsequent suppression of the hypothalamic–pituitary–gonadal axis and hypogonadism in both sexes. This decreases sexual desire and impairs arousal and orgasm. It also causes secondary amenorrhoea and loss of ovarian function in women and low testosterone in men,” they continued.

Antipsychotics may also affect other neurotransmitter pathways, including histamine blockade, noradrenergic blockade, and anticholinergic effects.

Anti-epileptic drugs

Many men with epilepsy complain of sexual dysfunction, which is likely multifactorial and due to the pathogenesis of the disease and anti-epileptic drugs, per the results of observational and clinical studies.[4]

Specifically, anti-epileptic drugs such as carbamazepine, phenytoin, and sodium valproate could dysregulate the hypothalamic–pituitary–adrenal axis, thus resulting in sexual dysfunction. Carbamazepine and other liver-inducing anti-epileptic drugs could also heighten blood levels of sex hormone-binding globulin, thus plummeting testosterone bioactivity.

Both sodium valproate and carbamazepine have been linked to disruption in sex-hormone levels, sexual dysfunction, and changes in semen measures.

Antihistamines

Allergic disease is commonly treated with antihistamines and steroids, with both drugs potentially interfering with sexual function by decreasing testosterone levels. In particular, H2 histamine receptor antagonists can disrupt luteinizing hormone/the human chorionic gonadotropin signaling pathway, thus interfering with the relaxation of smooth muscles at the level of the corpus cavernosum.[5]

ß-blockers

ß-blockers contribute to ED likely because they suppress sympathetic outflow.

“Non-cardioselective ß-antagonists like propranolol have a higher incidence of ED than cardioselective ß-antagonists which avoid ß2 inhibition resulting in vasoconstriction of the corpora cavernosa,” per investigators writing in Sexual Medicine.[6] “Nebivolol has the greatest selectivity for ß1 receptors as well as endothelial nitric oxide vasodilatory effects, and has been shown to have a positive effect on erections.”

The authors cite a double-blind randomized comparison in which metoprolol decreased erectile scores after 8 weeks, whereas nebivolol improved them.

As well, he selective β-blocker nebivolol inhibits β1-adrenergic receptors, which may protect against ED vs non-selective β-blockers.[7]

Opioids

The µ opioid receptor agonist oxycodone not only inhibits ascending pain pathways, but also disrupts the hypothalamic-pituitary-gonadal axis by binding to µ receptors in the hypothalamus, thereby resulting in negative feedback and resulting in ED, as noted by the Sexual Medicine authors.

Consequently, less  gonadotropin-releasing hormone is produced, which results in lower levels of  gonadotropins and secondary hypogonadism. 

Loop diuretics

Results of a high-powered study demonstrated that men taking thiazides were twice as likely to experience ED compared with those taking propranolol or placebo. It’s unclear whether furosemide also causes ED. It’s also unclear why thiazides cause ED. Nevertheless, the Sexual Medicine authors stress that prescribers should remain cognizant of the potential for thiazide to interfere with sexual function.

What this means for you

It’s important for clinicians to realize the potential for a wide variety of drugs to contribute to problems in the bedroom. If a patient experiences trouble having sex, they may discontinue use of the drug altogether. Consequently, physicians must tailor treatment plans with patients and their partners in mind.

The key to assessing sexuality is to foster an open discussion with the patient concerning sexual function and providing effective strategies to address these concerns.

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How to Have Less Awkward Shower Sex

— These are the best positions (and toys) to try for less awkward sex in the shower.

By Brianne Hogan

The fantasy of shower sex (hot and steamy) typically doesn’t live up to its reality (damp and slippery, and maybe even a little dangerous). Like sex on the beach, shower sex sounds sexy in theory but is more often than not an uncomfortable and awkward experience.

“A lot of people see shower sex in the movies and think it looks great, but when they try it, they feel a bit let down,” erotic film director Erika Lust of ERIKALUST says. “From personal experience and through directing sex scenes in my films, there are a couple of reasons as to why it may get a bad reputation. One, the setting isn’t right. The shower may not have any handles or anywhere to lean or grab, making it a bit awkward and restricting positions. Two, It’s too built up. It’s better to not have any expectations and go with the flow. Don’t get caught up on what it should look or be like. And three, foreplay is skipped. People can get too excited with all that’s going on around them that they skimp on foreplay. Foreplay is a really important step to build intimacy and excitement, and shouldn’t be skipped.”
But still, all this yearning for toe-curling shower sex can’t be all for nothing.

“Taking a shower together is a really intimate and sometimes vulnerable moment,” Lust says. “Especially washing each other. And intimacy is hot. It’s also, for many, something new and exciting—there is something about the water, the skin-on-skin contact and the closeness that just makes shower sex so hot.”

Maybe it won’t be as seamless as movies make it out to be, but according to experts, shower sex can still be an orgasmic experience for some with the right preparation and positions.

How to have safe shower sex

Before you rub soap all over your partner’s body as foreplay, intimacy expert Kiana Reeves says the biggest key in making any sexual experience enjoyable is communication and comfort with your partner(s). “You want to make sure you and your partner feel comfortable with a shower sex session, and it can even help to discuss beforehand any positions that would make you uncomfortable, along with any potential safety considerations,” she says.

Also, if you’re in need of birth control, Zach Zane, sex and relationships expert at Fun Factory, says IUDs and daily birth control medications are effective for birth control in the shower, and while condoms can indeed be effective too, “they are more likely to tear or break if you are not using silicone-based lube, so we highly recommend using silicone lube for shower sex.”

Speaking of lube, Zane says what most people are doing wrong in the shower is not using any lube or using the wrong kind of lube. “Water is actually not a lubricant,” he says. “Think about it; when you use water-based lube, it’s not just a bottle of water. There are other ingredients in there that make it more viscous and last longer. When having shower sex, you really need to use lube, and you should consider using silicone-based lube (or oil-based) lube because the shower water won’t wash those types of lubes off easily. Shower water will quickly wash away water-based lube.” However, he notes that “oil-based lubes are not compatible with condoms.”

Best positions for sex in the shower

Because you’re working in a tight space with less surface area to balance on, finding a good position can be awkward for most of us. “I’ve found it’s helpful to go into the experience with an exploratory mindset, so it gives you the freedom to try out different positions and explore what works and what doesn’t,” Reeves says. “It’s totally normal for it to take a few positions or pleasure seshes to find one that feels ‘right,’ so going in with that mindset can help alleviate any awkwardness or self-consciousness you might feel. But it’s still normal for things to need some practice to work themselves out!”

No matter how you’re positioning yourselves, Lust recommends using a non-slip mat, and to make use of shelves or handles to grab onto for extra stability. Also, “Use the shower head,” she says. “Most of us are no stranger to using a shower head for pleasure; in fact it was probably a lot of peoples first sex toy. If possible, detach the shower head and use it to pleasure the other person and lightly tickle their genitals.”

To help get you started, Lust suggests try standing. “It’s simple but very enjoyable,” she says. “Have one person lean against the shower wall while the other penetrates from behind. This is great because you can position the shower head to trickle water down the back.”

If possible, she also suggests taking a seat. “Whether on the edge or on the shower floor, this will allow one person to straddle the other with minimal risk of slipping,” Lust says. “Maybe position the shower head slightly away so it isn’t restricting anyones eyesight.”

Finally, if you find that you can’t find a position that feels good for penetration, Reeves suggesting trying oral or hand sex.

Best toys to use when having sex in the shower

Toys can be another great way to experiment with shower sex. Zane recommends the BOOTIE RING, which is a butt plug connected to a cock ring. “I’d insert the toy before heading into the shower. And then, the cock ring portion of the toy will help you sustain an erection,” he says. Additionally, he likes the B BALLS DUO, “a weighted butt plug that you can insert before having shower sex for additional pleasure.”

For those into pegging, Lust suggests trying SHARELITE. “It is completely waterproof as it is made out of body-safe silicone,” she says. “The beauty of SHARELITE, is that it is a harness-free dildo so there are no straps getting wet and potentially chafing.” Another toy Lust recommends is Maya by Love Not War. “It is a recycled bullet that is 100% waterproof, with a tapered tip made for exploring,” she says. “Since this toy is made of aluminum, it is great for temperature play too. The head unscrews and can be submerged in hot or cold water.

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How to Close the ‘Orgasm Gap’ for Heterosexual Couples

— Researchers once faced death threats for asking women what gives them pleasure. Now they’re helping individuals and couples figure it out themselves.

By Meghan McDonough

[CLIP: Woman speaks on OMGYES: “This is, like, you know, my vagina, going up and down and kind of brushing up against it, kind of like a paintbrush.”]

[CLIP: Music]

Kate Klein: There’s this, like, whole world underneath people’s clothing that no one talks about.

Sari van Anders: Our science, in some ways…, is sort of, like, catching up with people’s existences.

Meghan McDonough: I’m Meghan McDonough, and you’re listening to Scientific American’s Science, Quickly. This is part three of a four-part Fascination on the science of pleasure. In this series, we’re asking what we can learn from those with marginalized experiences to explore sexuality, get to the bottom of BDSM and illuminate asexuality. In this episode we’ll unpack why heterosexual women are having fewer orgasms than their male partners—and how researchers are bridging the gap.

[CLIP: OMGYES: “So when I’m with a partner for the first time, I’ll take one of their fingers, and I’ll tell them, ‘Just tap.’”]

McDonough: This is a woman explaining how she likes to be touched on the website OMGYES, which offers guidance to individuals and couples on finding sexual pleasure, both through masturbation and with a partner. This video is one of many how-to clips on everything from what the site has labeled “layering …”

[CLIP: OMGYES: “My clit’s really sensitive, and touching it directly would be way too intense, so I use the surrounding skin to make it less overwhelming.”]

McDonough: To “orbiting …”

[CLIP: OMGYES: “You know, it’s like the infinity sign, and it’s, like, going in loops, and you can change the direction.”]

McDonough: To essentially demystify the female orgasm—which, in heterosexual couples, is happening far less than the male orgasm, according to a 2017 U.S. national sample in the Archives of Sexual Behavior. That’s true even while research has shown that women regularly orgasm when masturbating and having sex with other women. That’s a gap that needs to be addressed because not only does orgasm make sex more pleasurable, but regular orgasm, doctors say, also lowers stress and improves sleep, mood, cognition and self-esteem. In partnership with Indiana University, the people behind OMGYES have interviewed more than 20,000 women ages 18 to 95, resulting in a number of published papers.

Rob Perkins: OMGYES started with a group of friends who would talk in a lot of detail about the stuff about, about what worked for them [and] what didn’t work for them sexually.

McDonough: This is Rob Perkins, who co-founded the company behind the website with his friend Lydia Daniller in 2014.

Perkins: We found in the conversation that there were patterns…. So we interviewed more of our friends to see, you know, if the patterns were consistent. And we found that, yes…, and that those things haven’t been named and hadn’t been studied in a rigorous way. So we reached out to folks at Indiana University, and they said, Yeah, it doesn’t get funding. Pleasure isn’t deemed important enough to be studied in that way.

McDonough: Rob says that while follow-up research has shown that OMGYES improves self-knowledge and pleasure, physical patterns are just one small piece of the puzzle.

Perkins: We found eventually that no matter how good the techniques are, with partners, there are other dynamics at play.

McDonough: So what other dynamics are at play? And what role can science play? First, let’s back up. What is an orgasm, and where does it come from? In the late 1950s and early 1960s, researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson observed about 10,000 sexual response cycles experienced by 382 female participants and 312 male ones. Here’s them speaking at the University of New Mexico in December 1973.

[CLIP: Masters and Johnson speak at the University of New Mexico in December 197300:32]

[Masters: “We never treat the impotent male or the nonorgasmic female as a single entity. We always treat the marital unit or the committed unit …”]

[Johnson: “Or the relationship, if you want to reduce it further.”]

[Masters: “Basically speaking, we treat the relationship.”]

McDonough: They concluded that orgasm was the third of a four-stage model. They called the first “excitement,” or sexual arousal—marked by increased heart rate, breathing and blood flow. For those with a vagina, this involves engorgement of the clitoris, labia majora and minora and uterus, as well as vaginal lubrication. In the second, or plateau, phase, they noted, these responses build, and the uterus becomes fully elevated, which makes penetration more comfortable. The third stage they named was orgasm, or sexual climax—a series of muscle spasms in the genital area at 0.8-second intervals that gradually slow in speed and intensity. These are accompanied by the release of tension and feelings of euphoria. Orgasm, they said, is followed by the fourth and final stage—resolution, a return to the prearousal state. Masters and Johnson revolutionized the study of sexual response. But sex researcher Shere Hite had even more to say about sexual experience. This is her on a panel in 1977:

[CLIP: Shere Hite on a panel in April 1977:3:45 “So Masters and Johnson have said how widespread women’s sexual dysfunction is. And I’m saying it’s not women who are dysfunctional; it’s our definition of sex which makes women dysfunctional. If you didn’t define sex as intercourse, women wouldn’t be dysfunctional.”]

McDonough: The year before, Hite surveyed more than 3,000 women and girls aged 14 to 78 in open-ended, anonymous questionnaires, culminating in her book, The Hite Report. The book would be translated into a dozen languages and sell more than 48 million copies. Almost all of the women she interviewed who masturbated said that they orgasmed regularly from masturbation, but only about 30 percent reported that they orgasmed regularly from penile-vaginal intercourse. Here she is again in the panel discussion.

[CLIP: Shere Hite: “And even for this 30 percent, orgasm was, in most cases, due to the women’s own assertiveness in obtaining clitoral contact with the man’s pubic area during intercourse. Whether or not this is practical for a woman depends on many things.”]

McDonough: Even though sex researcher Alfred Kinsey had previously found in 1953 that it takes women four minutes, on average, to masturbate to orgasm, Hite was seen as widely controversial at the time for challenging deeply entrenched cultural norms.

McDonough: In the years after The Hite Report was published, Hite faced heavy criticism and even death threats. She ultimately fled the United States for Europe. Hite’s research debunked the notion that women who didn’t reliably orgasm from penetrative sex were dysfunctional. It was part of a wider cultural awakening, via second-wave feminism in the 1970s, that questioned who was served and who was hurt by such a narrow definition of “sex,” which Hite and others explicitly related to equality outside of the bedroom.

[CLIP: Shere Hite:00:42 “I was very surprised that people didn’t make this connection between women demanding their rights in sex and women demanding their rights in jobs…. I don’t think it’s militant to say that women should have orgasms and that women should be able to stimulate themselves in the same way that men can.”]

McDonough: Almost 50 years later, the heterosexual orgasm gap remains vast. A 2017 study analyzed survey results and found that 95 percent of heterosexual men regularly orgasm during partnered sexual activity, compared with 65 percent of heterosexual women and 86 percent of lesbian women. The authors noted that lesbian women could be in a better position to understand how different behaviors feel for their partner and that they may be more likely to take turns receiving pleasure until each is satisfied. The researchers also reviewed sociocultural explanations such as people placing a greater importance on male sexual pleasure than female pleasure, as well as a stigma discouraging women from exploring their own sexuality. They concluded the paper by writing, “The fact that lesbian women orgasmed more often than heterosexual women indicates that many heterosexual women could experience higher rates of orgasm.”

The research team behind OMGYES has picked up that thread by focusing on what kind of stimulation is most pleasurable. They’ve named more than 35 techniques based on thousands of interviews with women and have included the percentages of women that find those techniques useful. Many of these are based on solo or partnered masturbation, while others are meant to complement penetration.

Perkins: One of them is “pairing.” So the name for simultaneous clitoral stimulation at the same time as penetration.

McDonough: The idea is to use data to break down the taboo around sexual communication, which is associated with greater sexual pleasure.

Perkins: There’s a myth in our culture that a good male lover already knows what to do and shouldn’t ask for feedback, shouldn’t need feedback—receiving feedback would be an affront to that expertise. And we have data, you know, that 52 percent of American women wanted to tell their partners how sex could be more pleasurable for them but didn’t. And the main reason cited is not wanting to hurt the partner’s feelings

You know, if you’re giving someone a back rub or scratching someone’s back, of course, the person whose back is being scratched knows best where the itch is.

McDonough (tape): How have you found that couples work through these things?

Perkins: One thing that seems to work is time…. There’s this myth that younger people have more pleasure, and then it goes downhill with age, but actually, with more knowledge about your body and more comfort asking for it…, men get a little less performative and more curious. We have this from one of our studies—that couples who are always exploring ways to make sex more pleasurable are five times more likely to be happier in their relationships and 12 times more likely to be sexually satisfied.

McDonough: But the underlying problem, researchers say, goes beyond a lack of knowledge.

Klein: Sex doesn’t exist in a vacuum.

McDonough: This is Kate Klein, a sex therapist who has referred several clients to the OMGYES site.

Klein: So if one partner, you know, feels disempowered—doesn’t feel confident to speak up or share what they like or what they need—that’s often seen outside of the bedroom. They might not speak up about a need, a desire, whether it’s, you know, having the apartment be a certain level of tidiness, if it’s, you know, needing more emotional connection, if it’s needing more physical affection outside of sex.

McDonough (tape): So what are the main challenges to finding sexual pleasure? What are the main blocks you see people come in with?

Klein: You know, living in a sex-negative, heteronormative, patriarchal society, it really puts a lot of shame and guilt around sex. And there’s such a focus on the penis and penis owners. And I think those who are socialized as women are often really just disempowered from connecting with their pleasure…. There’s just so many ways that women are expected or socialized to put others before themselves, to make everyone comfortable, to smile. I think the orgasm gap is … specifically focused and due to our limited definitions of what sex is, right? If sex is penis and vagina penetration, that does not include the clitoris at all…. Female pleasure, female orgasms, for many, it seems unnecessary or challenging, whereas male orgasms are seen as, like, a requirement.

McDonough (tape): For people who may not know what they like sexually, where do they start?

Klein: I think the single most fundamental sexual skill any of us can have is self-pleasure…. The mind and body is so interconnected. And so, like, one, getting to a place mentally where you can be relaxed, where you can be focused, and then just being curious and playful, right—like maybe it’s touching your body overall and not even focusing on the genitals; maybe it is focusing on the genitals and doing different types of touch, different types of pressure; maybe it’s using a pleasure device; or it could be, you know, reading an erotic novel; kind of, like, whatever it is that’s going to get your desire flowing. You know, sex is not necessarily something you do but a place you go.

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6 Questions to Ask Your Doctor About Sex after 50

— Vaginal dryness, erection challenges, safe sex and more

By Ellen Uzelac

With most physicians ill prepared to talk about sexual health and many patients too embarrassed or ashamed to broach the subject, sex has become this thing we don’t discuss in the examining room.

“So many doctors talk about the benefits of nutrition, sleep, exercise — but they don’t talk about this one really essential thing we all share: our sexuality,” says Evelin Dacker, a family physician in Salem, Oregon, who is dedicated to normalizing sexual health in routine care. “We need to start having this conversation.”

Starting the conversation about sexual health

Sexual wellness experts suggest first talking about a physical problem such as a dry vagina or erectile challenges and then segueing into concerns about desire, low libido and intimacy.

As Joshua Gonzalez, a urologist and sexual medicine physician in Los Angeles, observes: “Patients sometimes need to be their own advocates. If you feel something in your sex life is not happening the way you would like it to, or if you are not able to perform sexually as you would like, never assume that this is somehow normal or inevitable.”

Often, there are physiological issues at play or medications that can alter your sexual experience. “If you’re interested in having sex,” Gonzalez says, “there are often real solutions for whatever the problem may be.”

Here are six questions to help steer the conversation in the right direction.

1. What can I do about unreliable erections?

Erectile dysfunction is common in older men — 50 percent of men in their 50s will experience erectile challenges, Gonzalez says, and 60 percent of men in their 60s, 70 percent of men in their 70s, and on up the ladder.

The good news: There are fixes. “This doesn’t mean giving up on having pleasurable sex at a certain age,” Gonzalez says. The two primary things he evaluates are hormone balance and blood flow to the penis. A treatment plan is then designed based on those results.

Some older men also find it often takes time and effort to ejaculate. Gonzalez suggests decoupling the idea of ejaculation and orgasm. What many men don’t realize: You can have an orgasm with a soft penis and without releasing any fluid at all. “Your orgasm — the pleasure component — is not going to change.”

Also good to know: Sexual health is a marker of overall health. As an example, erectile dysfunction can be a predictor of undiagnosed health issues such as heart disease and diabetes years before any other symptoms arise, says Gonzalez.

2. Sex is different now. My body is no longer young but I still have sexual urges. How do I accommodate this new normal?

Dacker often asks her older patients: How is the quality of your intimacy? Is it what you want it to be? Have you noticed a shift as you’ve gotten older and what does that mean to you?

“Naturally, as we age our bodies start working differently,” she says. “I like to reframe what it means to be sexual by expanding our intimate life, doing things that maybe you haven’t thought of doing before.”

Dacker, who teaches courses on how to be a sex-positive health care provider, suggests exploring each other in new ways: dancing, eye gazing, washing one another while bathing, giving hands-free coconut oil massages using your stomach, arms and chest. She’s also a fan of self-pleasure.

“There’s so much pleasure that doesn’t involve penetration, orgasm and erections,” she adds. “It’s not about performance, it’s about pleasure.”

3. My vagina hurts when I have penetrative sex to the point that I’m now avoiding it. What can I do?

A lack of estrogen in older women can cause the vaginal wall to get really thin, resulting in dryness, irritation and bleeding when there is friction.

“It can be uncomfortable with or without sex,” says Katharine O’Connell White, associate professor of OB/GYN at Boston University and vice chair of academics and the associate director of the Complex Family Planning Fellowship at Boston Medical Center. “What people don’t realize is that what they’re feeling is so incredibly common. A majority of postmenopausal women will experience this.”

White offers a three-part solution for vaginal dryness: If you’re sexually active — and even if you’ve never used a lubricant before — add a water-based lube during sex play. Also, consider using an estrogen-free vaginal moisturizer, sold in stores and online, to help restore the vaginal lining. Finally, think about adding back the estrogen that the body is craving through medically prescribed tablets, rings or creams that are inserted into the vagina.

White also advises patients to engage in 20 to 30 minutes of foreplay before penis-in-vagina sex. “The whole body changes and the vagina gets wet, wider and longer, which can go a long way to alleviating any discomfort,” she says.

4. Urinary incontinence is interfering with my sex life. How can I control it?

Because the bladder is seated on top of the vagina, the thinning of the vaginal wall can also impact the bladder. When you urinate, it can burn or you will want to pee more often, symptoms typical of a urinary tract infection, according to White.

Some women feel like they need to urinate during sex, which, as White says, “can pull you out of the mood.” Her advice? “Pee before sex and pee after sex.” She also suggests using vaginal estrogen to plump up the walls of the vagina and, by extension, the bladder.

5. I’m interested in dating again. What screenings for sexual wellness should I get — and require of a new partner?

Fully understanding the importance of reducing your risk for sexually transmitted infections (STIs) should be front and center as you reenter the dating scene, according to nurse practitioner Jeffrey Kwong, a professor at the School of Nursing at Rutgers University and clinical ambassador for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s “Let’s Stop HIV Together” campaign. 

“Individuals should be screened if they’re engaging in any sort of sexual activity — oral, vaginal, anal — because many times, some of these conditions can be asymptomatic,” he says. “You can transmit without symptoms and vice versa.”

Screening may involve a urine or blood test or swabs of the vagina, throat or rectum. With STIs soaring in older adults, Kwong suggests testing for HIV, hepatitis C, hepatitis B, chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis. In early 2024, the CDC reported that syphilis cases had reached their highest level since the 1950s.

6. My doctor was dismissive when I brought up sex, basically saying, At your age, what do you expect? What should I do now?

Sex is a special part of life no matter how old you are. “If you’re with a doctor who brushes aside any of your concerns, it’s time to find a new doctor,” White says.

Finding a good doctor, she adds, is no different from looking for an accomplished hair stylist or a reliable mechanic: Ask your friends.

“I’m horrified when I hear about things like this,” she adds. “Any good doctor really wants you to bring up the things that concern you.“

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Psilocybin, LSD And Other Psychedelics Improve Sexual Satisfaction For Months After Use, New Study Finds

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Psychedelic substances, including psilocybin mushrooms, LSD and others, may improve sexual function—even months after a psychedelic experience, according to a new study.

The findings, published on Wednesday in Nature Scientific Reports, are based largely on a survey of 261 participants both before and after taking psychedelics. Researchers from Imperial College London’s Centre for Psychedelic Research then combined those responses with results of a separate clinical trial that compared psilocybin and a commonly prescribed selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRIs) for treating depression.

Authors say it’s the first scientific study to formally explore the effects of psychedelics on sexual functioning. While anecdotal reports and and qualitative evidence suggest the substances may be beneficial, the study says, “this has never been formally tested.”

“It’s important to stress our work does not focus on what happens to sexual functioning while people are on psychedelics, and we are not talking about perceived ‘sexual performance,’” said Tommaso Barba, a PhD student at the Centre for Psychedelic Research and the lead author of the study, “but it does indicate there may be a lasting positive impact on sexual functioning after their psychedelic experience, which could potentially have impacts on psychological wellbeing.”

“Both studies and populations reported enhanced sexual functioning and satisfaction following psychedelic use.”

Authors noted that sexual dysfunction is a common symptom of mental health disorders as well as a common side effect of certain medications, such as SSRIs.

“On the surface, this type of research may seem ‘quirky,’” Barba said in a statement, “but the psychological aspects of sexual function—including how we think about our own bodies, our attraction to our partners, and our ability to connect to people intimately—are all important to psychological wellbeing in sexually active adults.”

Co-author Bruna Giribaldi said that while most studies ask whether depression treatments cause sexual dysfunction, this study attempted to go further.

“We wanted to make sure we went deeper than that and explored more aspects of sexuality that could be impacted by these treatments,” Giribaldi added. “We were interested in finding out whether psychedelics could influence people’s experiences of sexuality in a positive way, as it appeared from existing anecdotal evidence.”

The team’s analysis found that respondents typically experienced improvement in sexual function for as long as six months after a psychedelic experience, observing upticks in reported enjoyment of sex, sexual arousal, satisfaction with sex, attraction to their partners, their own physical appearance, communication and their sense of connection.

“Naturalistic use of psychedelics was associated with improvements in several facets of sexual functioning and satisfaction, including improved pleasure and communication during sex, satisfaction with one’s partner and physical appearance.”

The most striking improvements were around seeing sex as “a spiritual or sacred experience,” satisfaction with one’s own appearance and one’s partner as well as the experience of pleasure itself.

“Sexuality is a fundamental human drive. For example, we know that sexual dysfunction is linked to lower well-being in healthy adults, can impact relationship satisfaction, and is even linked to subjective happiness and ‘meaning in life,’” Barba said.

The only marker of sexual function that did not go up significantly was “importance of sex,” which could be read to mean that psychedelics did not cause hypersexuality or an excessive focus on sex.

In the clinical trial portion of the study, which compared psilocybin therapy to the SSRI escitalopram, authors found that while both treatments showed “similar reductions” in depressive symptoms, “patients treated with psilocybin reported positive changes in sexual functioning after treatment, while patients treated with escitalopram did not.”

Barba said that’s especially significant because “sexual dysfunction, often induced by antidepressants, frequently results in people stopping these medications and subsequently relapsing.”

David Erritzoe, clinical director of the Centre for Psychedelic Research at Imperial College London, said the findings “shine more light on the far-reaching effects of psychedelics on an array of psychological functioning” but said more study is still needed, especially in light of the currently illicit nature of psychedelics.

“While the findings are indeed interesting, we are still far from a clear clinical application,” Erritzoe said in a release, “because psychedelics are yet to be integrated into the medical system. In future, we may be able to see a clinical application, but more research is needed.”

As the study itself says, “These findings highlight the need for further research utilizing more comprehensive and validated measures to fully understand the results of psychedelics on sexual functioning. However, the preliminary results do suggest that psychedelics may be a useful tool for disorders that impact sexual functioning.”

“Use of psychedelic drugs might foster an improvement in several facets of sexual functioning and satisfaction, including experienced pleasure, sexual satisfaction, communication of sexual desires and body image.”

The new study comes just a few months after a study published by the American Medical Association reported the apparent “efficacy and safety” of psilocybin-assisted psychotherapy for treatment of bipolar II disorder, a mental health condition often associated with debilitating and difficult-to-treat depressive episodes.

Both studies are part of a growing body of research demonstrating the potential of psilocybin and other entheogens to treat a range of mental health conditions, including PTSD, treatment-resistant depression, anxiety, substance use disorders and others.

A recently published survey of more than 1,200 patients in Canada, for example, suggested use of psilocybin can help ease psychological distress in people who had adverse experiences as children. Researchers said the psychedelic appeared to offer “particularly strong benefits to those with more severe childhood adversity.”

And in September, researchers at Johns Hopkins University, Ohio State University and Unlimited Sciences published findings showing an association between psilocybin use and “persisting reductions” in depression, anxiety and alcohol misuse—as well as increases in emotional regulation, spiritual wellbeing and extraversion.

A separate study from the American Medical Association (AMA) came out in August showing that people with major depression experienced “clinically significant sustained reduction” in their symptoms after just one dose of psilocybin.

As for other entheogens, a separate peer-reviewed study published in the journal Nature recently found that treatment with MDMA reduced symptoms in patients with moderate to severe PTSD—results that position the substance for potential approval by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA).

Another study published in August found that administering a small dose of MDMA along with psilocybin or LSD appears to reduce feelings of discomfort like guilt and fear that are sometimes side effects of consuming so-called magic mushrooms or LSD alone.

A first-of-its-kind analysis released in June, meanwhile, offered novel insights into the mechanisms through which psychedelic-assisted therapy appears to help people struggling with alcoholism.

At the federal level, the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) recently started soliciting proposals for a series of research initiatives meant to explore how psychedelics could be used to treat drug addiction, with plans to provide $1.5 million in funding to support relevant studies.

As for other research into controlled substances and sex, a report last year in the Journal of Cannabis Research found that marijuana could also enhance sexual enjoyment, especially for women—findings authors said could help close the “orgasm inequality gap” between men and women.

A 2022 study out of Spain, meanwhile, found that young adults who smoke marijuana and drink alcohol had better orgasms and overall sexual function than their peers who abstain or use less.

An earlier 2020 study in the journal Sexual Medicine also found that women who used cannabis more often had better sex.

Numerous online surveys have reported similar positive associations between marijuana and sex. One study even found a connection between the passage of marijuana laws and increased sexual activity.

Yet another, however, cautioned that more marijuana doesn’t necessarily mean better sex. A literature review published in 2019 found that cannabis’s impact on libido may depend on dosage, with lower amounts of THC correlating with the highest levels of arousal and satisfaction. Most studies showed that marijuana has a positive effect on women’s sexual function, the study found, but too much THC can actually backfire.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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7 Habits of Highly Sex-cessful People

— Why do some couples keep the home fires burning while for others the embers grow dim? Here’s what some romantic partners are doing right

By Nicole Pajer

You know who they are.

That couple down the block who’ve been together for 25 years and still canoodle like newlyweds. They seem to have the intimacy and magic you and your partner once shared. How do they do it?

There are plenty of obvious reasons some couples lose their intimacy mojo over time: too much stress, too much conflict, too many health issues. But there are also plenty of healthy people in otherwise healthy relationships who aren’t getting their fair share of lovin’. What’s separating the sexually successful from the carnally challenged? We took a peek under the sheets and discovered some unexpected habits that have nothing to do with your relationship and can help any couple regain their romantic mojo.

1. Sex-cessful couples use the bedroom — for sleeping

Women who sleep an extra hour at night experience more sexual desire the next day and a 14 percent increased likelihood of having sex, according to one study. Maybe it’s because their partners are better rested as well: Not getting enough sleep has been linked to erectile dysfunction and a lack of testosterone in men. “A lot of your hormones and sex hormones are actually produced during good sleep,” says Graham King, M.D., a family medicine physician with Mayo Clinic Health System. Aim for at least seven to nine hours per night; anything under six on a regular basis could be setting you up for trouble.

One key to better sleep and better sex: Don’t bring your smartphone to bed. A study conducted by tech solutions company Asurion looked at the bedroom habits of 2,000 U.S. adults and found that 35 percent of respondents said their sex life had been impacted by their or their spouse’s bedtime phone use. “The phone acts as a barrier to intimacy by distracting attention away from your partner, creating distance between you,” says Lori Beth Bisbey, a clinical psychologist and host of the A to Z of Sex podcast. “Great sex needs both people to be present and focused on each other — and little else, actually!”

2. Sex-cessful couples never crash diet

Almost every trendy approach to losing weight, from keto to intermittent fasting, involves cutting out certain food categories and thereby restricting calories. Maybe they’re fat or carb or protein calories, but the fact is that not getting proper nutrients can have an impact on your sex drive.

“We need protein, we need fats to be able to build those sex hormones and keep our different muscular systems, including our genitals, working right,” says King. Sex, he says, requires a lot of blood flow, an array of hormones, and precursors to different kinds of amino acids we need for vasodilation “and, of course, ultimately, orgasms. So if we’re malnourished, we don’t have the fuel to get there.” If you’re trying to lose weight, do it intelligently. Eat a well-balanced diet high in produce, lean meat and fish, and whole grains, with a minimum of sugar and ultra-processed foods. (AARP’s best-selling guide to 50-plus nutrition, The Whole Body Reset, is now available in paperback.)

3. Sex-cessful couples soak up the sun

You’ve no doubt heard about the importance of vitamin D, and perhaps you’ve asked your doctor to check your blood levels. If not, and if you live in the northern half of the nation, a lack of vitamin D might be interfering with your love life. Low D has been linked to decreased erectile and orgasmic function, as well as diminished sexual desire. But supplements in winter can help: Additional research has found that supplementing with vitamin D can improve sexual function and mood in women with low vitamin D levels. To get more D from your diet, prioritize vitamin D–fortified foods like milk or yogurt. If you prefer to get your vitamin D from being outdoors, remember that you also need to protect yourself: The median age of people receiving a melanoma diagnosis is 66.

4. Sex-cessful couples work their muscles

Working out increases sexual arousal in women and helps combat erectile dysfunction in men. But more important, exercise — especially vigorous exercise that stimulates our muscles — is critical to our libidos.

When we exercise, the stress on our muscles stimulates the hypothalamus to produce sex hormones, says King: “It stimulates an effect that goes through our pituitary to our adrenal glands to start building those precursors to testosterone, estrogen and progesterone.” Without that stimulation, our brains never get the signal that it’s time for lovin’.

The American Heart Association recommends at least 150 minutes of moderate exercise per week, 75 minutes of vigorous-intensity exercise or a combination of both, adding in resistance or weight training several days a week. But don’t overdo it; one study found that men who engage in intense endurance training for long periods of time had reduced libidos.

5. Sex-cessful couples avoid late-night sweets

Many of us enjoy a good after-dinner treat. But dessert is one thing — a midnight snack is something else.

“Eating sugar before bed causes insulin release and can temporarily suppress testosterone levels,” says Raevti Bole, M.D., a urologist at the Cleveland Clinic. Anyone who has felt a crash after a sugar high will understand this effect. “This can make you feel sluggish and sleepy, which can tamper with your arousal,” Bole adds. If you’re hungry before bed, opt for something less sugary, like a piece of fruit, crackers and cheese, or dark chocolate. Avoid processed treats, desserts and sugar-sweetened beverages in the hours leading up to bed.

6. Sex-cessful couples drink a lot

Not booze — water. Water makes up 75 percent of the total body weight of newborns, but as we age, that percentage drops; in older adults it can be 50 percent or lower. And that can impact our health and our sex lives.

Proper hydration is critical to the cardiovascular system, which is responsible for keeping nutrients and oxygen flowing throughout the body. Even mild dehydration can impact a man’s ability to achieve an erection, and for women, it can cause issues with vaginal lubrication and genital arousal, says Sheryl Kingsberg, division chief, Ob/Gyn Behavioral Medicine at the University Hospitals Cleveland Medical Center and codirector of the Sexual Medicine and Vulvovaginal Health Program at the UH Cleveland Medical Center.

Keep a water bottle nearby to sip on throughout the day; reduce your alcohol intake, as that can further dehydrate you; and incorporate water-rich fruits and vegetables into your meals and snacks.

7. Sex-cessful couples make their bed daily

Clutter can sneak up on you, causing stress that you might not even be aware of. One study found that cortisol levels in women with cluttered homes rose during the day and stayed high when the clutter remained; the effect was more powerful on women than on their partners.

“It is likely that this is related to the expectations that women will still be responsible for keeping the home presentable and the social approval inherent in having a lovely home,” says Bole. Chaos around us, she adds, “impacts our ability to concentrate and focus.” Another study that looked at the relationship between clutter and procrastination found that older adults with clutter problems tended to report a significant decrease in life satisfaction. Making your bed first thing in the morning gives you a sense of control that can help reduce the feeling of being a victim of chaos. Better yet, make it together.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Here’s the biggest myth about desire in long-term relationships

— It turns out every part of the narrative we’re taught about how desire works is not merely wrong, but wrongheaded

Young beautiful woman is kissing her boyfriend gently. Their eyes are closed. Couple is illuminated with bright multicolored lights.

By Emily Nagoski

When I first began having long(ish)-term sexual relationships during my college years I believed an old-fashioned narrative about how desire works. We’re told it’s all passion and “spark” early in a relationship, and that lasts a couple of years maybe. Then we have kids or buy a fixer-upper house or generally get busy with work and life, and the spark fizzles out, especially after 50, when apparently every hormone we ever had floats away on a sea of aging and we’re left, sexless and neutered, to hold hands at sunset.

Our options, we’re told, are either to accept the fizzling of our desire for sex or to fight against it, to invest our time, attention and even our money in “keeping the spark alive”.

Well, it turns out every part of that narrative is not merely wrong, but wrongheaded. A lot of books about sex in long-term relationships are about “keeping the spark alive”, and they too are wrongheaded. They’re so 20th century, with their rigid gender scripts and cringingly oversimplified ideas about sex and evolution.

I call this mess of wrongheadedness the desire imperative. The desire imperative says:

  • At the start of a sexual and/or romantic relationship, we should feel a “spark”, a spontaneous, giddy craving for sexual intimacy with our (potential) partner that might even feel obsessive.
  • The sparky desire we’re supposed to feel at the beginning of a relationship is the correct, best, healthy, normal kind of desire, and if we don’t have it, then we don’t have anything worth having.
  • If we have to put any preparation or planning into our sex lives, then we don’t want it “enough”.
  • If our partner doesn’t just spontaneously want us, out of the blue, without effort or preparation, on a regular basis, they don’t want us “enough”.

The desire imperative puts desire at the center of our definition of sexual well-being. It says there is only one right way to experience desire, and without that, nothing else matters. And so people worry about sexual desire. If desire changes or it seems to be missing, people worry that there’s something very wrong. It’s the most common reason couples seek sex therapy.

Here’s the irony of the desire imperative: does all that worry about “spark” make it easier to want and like sex? On the contrary, worry mainly puts sex further out of reach.

But there’s an alternative: center pleasure.

Desire is not what matters. Not “passion”, not “keeping the spark alive”.

Pleasure is what matters.

Center pleasure, because great sex over the long term is not how many orgasms you have or even how enthusiastically you anticipate sex, but how much you like the sex you are having.

Great sex over the long term is not how many orgasms you have but how much you like the sex you are having.

Spontaneous desire v responsive desire

A simple place to start changing how we think about desire and pleasure is understanding what sex researchers and therapists say about desire. They call the “spark” of the desire imperative “spontaneous desire”, and it is one of the normal ways to experience sexual desire, but it is not associated with great sex in a long-term relationship.

They also describe “responsive desire”, which is not a “spark” feeling but rather an openness to exploring pleasure and seeing where it goes. It often shows up as “scheduled” sex, where you plan ahead, prepare, groom, get a babysitter and then show up. You put your body in the bed, you let your skin touch your partner’s skin, and your body wakes up! It says: “Oh, right! I really like this! I really like this person!” Where spontaneous desire emerges in anticipation of pleasure, responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure.

Both are normal and neither is better than the other … but it’s responsive desire that is associated with great sex over the long term.

Not “passion”, not “spark”, but pleasure, trust and mutuality. That’s the fundamental empirical reason to center pleasure over spark.

Pleasure is sensation in context

Pleasure is the measure of sexual well-being – that is, whether or not you like the sex you are having.

So, what even is pleasure?

Well. Does a sensation feel good? How good? Does it feel bad? How bad?

That’s the whole thing. Pleasure is the simplest thing in the world, in the sense of declaring whether a sensation feels good or not. Next time you’re eating your very favorite food, notice what that pleasure is like – the food’s appearance, its texture, aroma and flavor. Notice what pleasure does to your body. Pleasure is simple …

But that doesn’t mean it’s always easy. We’ve been lied to about the nature of pleasure, just as we’ve been lied to about the nature of desire. We’ve been told that sexual pleasure is supposed to be easy and obvious, and if it’s not easy and obvious, then there’s something wrong. For some people, experiencing pleasure is like finding Waldo: so frustrating that you start to wonder why you’re even looking.

We’ve been told that pleasure comes from being touched in the right place, in the right way, by the right person, and if that touch, in that place, by that person, feels good some of the time but not other times, that’s a problem. These lies show up in movies and romance novels and porn, where the main characters may be running away from the villain or even just exhausted and overwhelmed by life, but Partner A touches the magic spot on Partner B’s body and it doesn’t matter what else is going on, Partner B’s knees melt and their genitals tingle.

If that’s how pleasure works for you, cool.

For the rest of us, pleasure isn’t about the right place on your body touched in the right way. It’s the right place, the right way, by the right person, at the right time, in the right external circumstances and the right internal state. In short: it’s sensation in the right context.

“Context” means both your internal state and your external circumstances.

A simple example of this is tickling. Tickling is not everyone’s favorite (though it is some people’s favorite!), but you can imagine a scenario where partners are already turned on, in a trusting, playful, erotic situation, and Partner A tickles Partner B and it feels good! But if those same partners are in the middle of an argument about, say, money, and Partner A tries to tickle Partner B, will that feel good? Or would Partner B feel more like punchin’ somebody in the nose than snuggling?

Any sensation may feel good, great, spectacular, just OK or terrible, depending on the context in which you experience it.

Pleasure is a shy animal. We can observe it from a safe distance, but if we approach too fast, it will run. If we try to capture it, it will panic. You have to build trust with your pleasure before it will allow you to observe it closely.

Pleasure happens when we feel safe enough. Trusting enough, healthy enough, welcome enough, at low-enough risk. Everyone’s threshold for “enough” is different, and it changes from situation to situation. But when we create that safe-enough context, our brains have the capacity to interpret any sensation as pleasurable.

Pleasure is not desire (though desire can be pleasurable)

Pleasure and desire are different systems in the brain. At the level of the emotional, mammalian brain, desire is known as “wanting” or “incentive salience”, and pleasure is discussed as “liking” or hedonic impact.

“Wanting”, in the brain, is a vast network of dopamine-related circuitry that mediates how motivated we are to pursue a goal. “Liking”, by contrast, is a set of smaller “hedonic hot spots” where opioids and endocannabinoids mediate how good a sensation feels.

Pleasure is stillness, savoring what’s happening in the moment. Desire is forward movement, exploring to create something that doesn’t currently exist.

Pleasure is a perception of a sensation. Desire is motivation toward a goal.

In a sense, pleasure is satisfaction and desire is dissatisfaction, because pleasure is enjoying an experience, while desire is motivation to pursue something different.

Consider the “wanting” involved in continuous, joyless scrolling on social media. You’re searching for something you can’t name, maybe for the reward of, at last, finding something that makes you feel good or that even confirms your worst fears. You want … something. But you’re not enjoying it, you’re just following the urge to keep looking. Desire without pleasure.

So far, so simple.

Where it can get muddy is in how desire feels. Pleasure, by definition, feels good. Desire per se is more or less neutral; it’s the context that makes it feel good or bad. I think people confuse desire for pleasure because desire sometimes feels good. Once we recognize that desire can also feel bad, we begin to understand both how desire and pleasure are not the same thing and why pleasure is the one that really matters.

How sexual desire feels

Anticipation, expectation, craving, longing – these are all ways of experiencing desire that can feel delightful and even ecstatic. But anticipation, expectation, craving and longing can also feel frustrating, irritating and annoying. Desire can be hope and optimism, but it can also be anxiety and fear.

Whether desire feels good or not depends on the context. All pleasure depends on the context.

If you have experienced desire, stop and recall a moment when it was pleasurable. Probably, the object of your desire, whether it was a lover or a new gadget or a tasty snack, seemed within reach, maybe you felt in control of whether or not you got what you wanted, maybe your desire was grounded in a promise someone made that filled you with anticipation.

The pleasurable version of spontaneous desire is, I think, why people get confused about the difference between pleasure and desire and why we might be convinced that “spontaneous” is the good, right, normal kind of desire. After all, it was “easy” – or at least, it happened out of nowhere – and it was fun.

But spontaneous sexual desire can feel terrible, too. Suppose you can’t figure out how to get closer to your object of desire, or the object of your desire is entirely out of reach or, worse, actively rejecting you, pushing you away. In that context, your ongoing desire can feel like a form of torture.

If you’ve wanted to want sex, you’ve experienced a different uncomfortable desire. Many people who struggle to let go of the “ideal” of spontaneous desire know how awful it feels to want something you can’t get, which is why it’s so important that we remind ourselves that it’s responsive desire, not spontaneous desire, that characterizes great sex over the long term. If you enjoy the sex you have, you’re already doing it right, and you’re allowed to stop trying to create spontaneous desire.

If we think only about the pleasurable experiences of desire, we end up using the words “pleasure” and “desire” more or less interchangeably. But they’re different; we know they’re different because of the brain science. And if pleasure always is pleasurable but desire is only sometimes pleasurable, doesn’t it make sense to center pleasure, and allow desire to emerge in contexts that maximize the chances that the desire will feel good?

Are you still worried about spontaneous desire?

If I wanted to spark controversy, I’d say there’s no such thing as a sexual desire problem, and all the news articles and think pieces and self-help books and medical research focused on a “cure” for low desire are irrelevant. The “cure” for low desire is pleasure. When we put pleasure at the center of our definition of sexual well-being, we eliminate any need to worry about desire.

But I’m not here for controversy, I’m here to make your sex life better. So I’ll just say: don’t sweat desire. If you’re worried about your partner’s low desire, ask them about pleasure. If you’re worried about your own low desire, talk to your partner about pleasure. Desire can be a fun bonus extra; it’s as important as simultaneous orgasms, which is to say, a neat party trick but not remotely necessary for a satisfying long-term sex life.

And yet. In my unscientific survey of a few hundred strangers, some people reported that what they want when they want sex is spontaneity:

“I hate talking about having sex before I have sex. Like if it can’t happen naturally, I kinda don’t want it.”

Oof, that word. “Naturally.”

If the idea of talking about sex, or making a plan before you have it, feels “unnatural”, I am here to acknowledge the reality that talking about sex might deflate spontaneous desire, but also to ask you to consider the possibility that planning sex can be part of the pleasure and that talking about sex is not just natural, it’s part of the erotic connection between you and a partner.

Pleasure happens when we feel safe enough, according to the author.

Maybe every sexual experience you’ve had in response to spontaneous desire has been better than any sex you’ve ever had in response to a plan. But did you really not plan before any of that great “spontaneous” sex? When you’re in a new or emerging relationship, do you not spend time daydreaming about a hot date, making plans for dinner or an adventure together, exchanging flirtatious texts, emails, phone calls, whispers? Hot-and-heavy, falling-in-love horniness is often accompanied by a lot of planning and preparation and, yes, even talking about sex in advance. Do you not spend time getting ready for it, grooming, dressing carefully, making sure you smell good?

Is that … “natural”?

The myth that the “natural” way to have sex is for it to be spontaneously borne of mutual horniness, without having to talk about it or make a plan? That’s the desire imperative. The desire imperative insists that without spontaneous desire, we don’t want sex “enough”. If we have to plan it, there’s a problem.

But consider what our lives are like. We schedule large portions of our days, often weeks or even months in advance. We fill our calendars with work and school and family and friends and entertainment. We fill our bodies with stress and a sense of obligation to others and to ourselves. We impose modern exigencies that don’t even create adequate opportunity for natural sleep, much less unplanned yet mutually enthusiastic sex.

I don’t expect you to believe me right away. I know you’ve been taught to worry about desire. It might even feel troubling or problematic to say that desire doesn’t matter. Maybe you’re thinking: What could you possibly mean, Emily, to not worry about not wanting it and just enjoy it instead? Are you telling me to enjoy sex I don’t want???

On the contrary! I’m saying: Imagine a world where all of us only ever have sex we enjoy. And anything we don’t enjoy, we just don’t do! We don’t do it, and – get this – we don’t worry about not doing it! When we put pleasure at the center of our definition of sexual well-being, sex we don’t like is never even on the table.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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24 Ways to Have Better Sex in 2024

— Observe a sexual opposite day. Pretend someone is filming you. Use a lot more lube.

By Amy Rose Spiegel

It’s somehow already the middle of January, when we’re all totally exhausted by the premise that we need to eat, exercise, clean, or otherwise behave more virtuously all goddamn year long. As you think about what you want for the months ahead, keep in mind: Spending an hour decluttering your closet might make you feel good—but so would having an orgasm.

Maybe you’re ready to reassess your sex life, but you’re not sure where to start. I get it—lots can happen to snarl up your feelings around boning. It’s easy to become complacent about—or, worse, resigned to—the sex you’re accustomed to having (or not), or how you get off by yourself. If things are great, or you’re just pretty sure you know what your whole sexual deal is, that’s also an excellent foundation for recommitting to more raunchy, transformative, and romantic sex.

Maintain a spirit of openness and you can’t lose. If you try something new and it doesn’t suit or thrill you? That’s also good information about getting closer to sex that does. Here are 24 low-stakes, high-reward ideas about how to have a filthy, sweet, and incontrovertibly hot year.

1. Write down the details of exceptional hookups right after you have them.

Even if you swear you’ll remember every iota of a perfect encounter, stuff slips away—unless you jot it down. I just referred to the notes I took after a particularly world-redefining fuck, and it reminded me what he smelled like, how we touched for the first time before touching everywhere (my feet were tucked under his legs, and he rested a hand on my thigh), and precisely how he *** my **** while he ****** *** ****. Give your future self a gift that you can touch yourself to. Rereading these back is also a mollifying reminder of what’s possible when things aren’t quite as electric.

2. Think through a sexual Year in Review.

You can also expand on the above concept to broadly take stock of what you want more of—and way less of. Look back at 2023: What was outstanding—figuring out that you’re most into morning sex; buying a harness that fits you well; hooking up with a best friend and staying best friends? What was boring or unpleasant—getting felt up at a drive-in theater (good in theory, but you just nervously looked over your shoulder the whole time); feeling chafed in a garter belt; learning the hard way that the whole morning sex thing is only true if all parties brush their teeth first? Write that down, too, and use it to guide your future hookups.

3. Wear underwear that makes you feel like gold.

Replace anything with holes in it or that’s otherwise exhausted. Don’t settle for serviceable-enough briefs that only kinda affirm your gender. Get matching lingerie sets on sale! If you’ve been waiting around for someone to come along and forcibly teach you your correct bra size: It was only ever going to be you, and it’s time. Explore what’s unusual to you, like thigh-high stockings, a binder, or a lace teddy (and remember that fragrance can be an underthing too). Whether or not anyone else sees what’s under your sweater, you’ll know, and you’ll carry yourself a little differently.

4. Reevaluate your lube situation—and use it for more than just penetration.

If you’re familiar with lube insofar as it comes pre-applied on condoms, or you reach for a bottle only to cram things into holes: Your life is about to know new meaning. Lube can help clits feel less pinchingly sensitive when they’re touched for a long time, quickly, or intensely. On penises, wetter is often better, especially when you’re jerking off (or jerking someone else off). There are three main kinds of lube: oil-, water-, and silicone-based. Start with a water-based one—they can be used with silicone toys and prophylactics and are least likely to interact weirdly with your body or strap-on. (I like Überlube and straight-up Astroglide.) Use a LOT of it next time you masturbate or touch someone else. Reapply every few minutes, since lube absorbs into skin and water-based ones can feel sticky as the moisture in them evaporates. Keep a hand towel by the bed. Come so hard.

5. Trim and clean your nails, no matter what you’re doing with your hands.

This isn’t just a concern for fingering vaginas—and nor was it ever! Please, let’s right this grievous wrong. If you’re touching someone else’s body anywhere, don’t do it with gunk in your cuticles or a ragged fingernail. If you’re femme and allergic to even the thought of forgoing a complicated manicure, scrub under your nails religiously before you put them on or in someone, and be so careful and gentle when you do. Wear latex gloves if you’re putting your acrylics or beautiful natural nails (lucky—can’t relate) into someone’s ass. The tissue inside the anus is delicate and prone to tiny tears, so it’s not the best environment in which to poke your glamorous talons around.

6. Build a stockpile of hot nudes or lewds.

Sending racy photos while maintaining the rhythm of a conversation doesn’t have to mean ducking into a work bathroom stall, rushing off the couch to strip out of your mom’s old Phish T-shirt, or whatever other last-minute adjustment you’d otherwise need to make. Whenever you’re having a particularly good hair or ass day, take commemorative photos, then put them in a private folder for future use. Yeah, keep that Phish shirt on, baby—that’s what I like (your sustained comfort as you turn someone on).

7. Flirt elegantly.

It’s 2024, we’re grown, and we can choose to be sophisticated—even with long-term partners who have seen us throw up a milkshake. Behave like a heartthrob seducing someone in a movie. Text or call just to say you’re thinking about someone. Give them little gifts (they don’t have to be expensive—a perfect piece of fruit or a sleek pen from the bookstore will do). Be ever so slightly suggestive outside of strictly sexual contexts (a good level is mentioning when you’re thinking about making out with them). This works wonders for building anticipation around sex, creating an overall mood where sex is present in your lives together, and ultimately contributing to a closer connection when you do finally get around to fucking.

8. Do lite role-play with clothes you already own.

Got a leotard, bodysuit, or pair of gym shorts? Great, you’re exercising and your partner is a personal trainer expertly adjusting your form. Put on a plaid skirt or blazer, because class is in session and you’re desperate to make the grade…! Wear a suit—you’re the boss. You don’t have to go full Method within these roles, unless you’re into that. Just say, “If you were my X and I were your Y, what would you do to me?” You can even skip the acting piece of this altogether by dressing up in an outfit you wear very rarely—a ball gown, a low-cut jumpsuit—and letting the other person’s imagination do the work for you.

9. Loosen up.

Stop fixating on how your stomach looks when the overhead light is on (who invented this? I’d love a word). Feel free to stumble—who among us hasn’t said something like, “I need you to suck your dick…uh, my dick” in the moment? When you’re nervous or something funny happens: Joke, talk, laugh, nibble, and goofily bury your head in someone’s shoulder. This often helps sex feel even more connective, permissive, and judgment-free. Be judicious about how often you’re yukking it up, though, and always observe whether it’s just you doing it—you don’t want your partner to think you’re laughing at them, especially if you’re in the middle of anything un-vanilla or new.

10. Ask your partner to touch you all over while you’re boning.

Get a massage while you’re getting laid, and have the person giving it to you cover as many areas of your body as they can/you’re down with, at varying levels of pressure. The idea is to feel everything as precisely but universally as possible, whether your partner is trailing their fingernails down your forearm or pressing their knuckles desperately into your shoulder blades with you on top. It’s extremely dreamy to have sex that happens to you in many places at once.

11. Don’t rush.

Make out slowly without lunging right for other parts of someone’s body. Don’t default to what you know makes you, or your partner, come really fast. Try edging or taking breaks from the action to delay orgasms and draw things waaaaaay out. Go legato: Relish each feeling—their fingertips on the back of your neck, the very first few seconds of penetration, or the pressure they’re using as they kiss you—as it unfolds. In “wellness culture” this is called mindfulness, but I just call it being good in bed.

12. A secret of oral sex: How it looks contributes massively to how it feels.

Tell your partner what would be especially hot to watch while they’re going down on you, and find out the same about them. Some general ideas for you: Kiss and lick, and as you do, look up into their eyes either very softly or very hard. Take their hand while you use your other one somewhere else that feels good for them. Angle yourself so they can see plenty of your smoking-ass physique. Pretend someone is filming you. If it feels performative? Great, that’s a sign you’re nailing this.

13. Find your personal definition of “incredible anal sex.”

If you’re not down or able to have full-on penetrative anal (though: never say never!), delve into rimjobs or other strategies for making your ass feel incredible from the outside. If you’re more like, “Look, I’ve been getting fisted, sister,” maybe your next course of action involves anal beads or a new butt plug. Always use toys with flared bases if you’re planning on inserting them—your sphincter has powerful suction mechanisms, and you don’t want your new year of vibrantly experimental sex sullied by a dildo stuck inside you.

14. Experiment with prostate stimulation.

Prostates (or P-spots), for people with penises, can take some effort to find, but putting that work in can yield pleasure in the extreme. To find your or your partner’s prostate, make a come-hither motion with your index finger inside the anus, towards the stomach, or use a toy designed to reach it. Pair prostate exploration with handjobs or blowjobs to make it feel particularly blissful.

15. Observe a sexual opposite day.

You can do this alone or trade assignments with a partner—the idea is to break free of what you think “you’re like” and try something entirely new. If you’re a super-dominant megafox, let someone else lead. If you’re a goofball, be intense, filthy, and direct. The obvious, time-tested convention here instructs bottoms to top, and vice vers-a. Even if a given role isn’t ultimately one you want to step into again, it’s nice to know that firsthand: You’ll understand your taste better and see how something feels for partners who do like whatever you’re playing at. You can call on all that intel in the future.

16. If your partner is driving you wild, make that extremely clear.

Most people love overt recognition of what’s so magnetic and sexy about them. Don’t be coy about it—go full Pepé Le Pew. You can say stuff like, “I love how soft your skin is,” or, “You know exactly how to touch me,” or, “I think about your [perfect body part or especially expert technique] when I masturbate,” or simply, “I could kiss you/look at you/fuck you all night.” Life’s short: Be unerringly passionate, a too-rare quality that you’ll likely be rewarded for. (I also just never feel more confident than when I decide to be deliberate and bold about my feelings.)

17. Demonstrate how you get off.

If you’re together, have them watch you touch yourself or use a toy; then, if you want, teach them by way of example—apply the concept “show, don’t tell” to your masturbation techniques. If you’re apart, make a voice note explaining what you’re doing and how it makes you feel, or, if you trust the recipient and are down to try it, record a video. (If you’re on the fence, just do it in person or talk through it on the phone—this shouldn’t feel stressful.) Each option is foxy—yet educational!—in its own right.

18. Clean your sex toys after each use.

Okay, I know we forswore boring cleaning talk and housekeeping mandates in favor of sin-sational xxx-ploration, but you must use clean sex toys. If you groan at the idea of fully disinfecting your vibrator after each and every time it comes into play, I get that, but it’s a small price to pay for not getting a yeast infection because you were both horny and lazy. Here’s a guide to cleaning whatever kind of sex toy you’re using. And definitely refresh your toys between partners and holes. Other situations that non-negotiably call for sterilized accessories: Using the same toy on more than one partner and using the same one on multiple orifices, even with the same person. Body-safe toy-cleaning wipes can be a godsend for cleaning on the fly in the heat of the moment. Keep the contents of your nightstand pristine so you can do every filthy thing on your mind with gusto.

19. If you’ve fantasized about having threesomes or more-somes, look into making it happen.

If you’re with someone monogamously, talk to them about your fantasies outside of a sexual context, when you’re both feeling relaxed. See how your partner feels about opening things up without expectation or judgment, and if they’re also into the idea, ask how that might unfold in a way they felt secure in and turned on by. You don’t need to be in a relationship to enjoy the splendors of group sex—there are plenty of people looking for thirds or additional partners. If you decide to go for it, you can browse a threesome-centric app like Feeld to get a sense of who’s out there and, if you’re intrigued, say hey.

20. Work with your body as it is, not as it “should” be.

It’s so much harder to feel great in bed if you don’t feel physically comfortable to begin with. Does sitting on someone’s face hurt your knees? Lie on your back—or sit on your dresser and have them kneel in front of you! Do you have recurrent UTIs that you’re just hoping will dissipate without intervention? Talk to a doctor about it—you don’t have to live this way! Is menopause making your vagina dry and irritated? Get to moisturizing! Put a pillow under your knees or neck to alleviate pain and pressure on your joints. Look into a prescription for ED medication. Whatever your body is trying to tell you, listen.

21. Be proactive about safer sex.

STI rates have been rising recently, so you owe it to yourself and anyone you’re fucking to get tested regularly. If you’re having sex with one monogamous, long-term partner, get a basic screening once a year. If you’re having sex with new or a few people, even if you’re using barrier methods like condoms, go annually at minimum, and ideally more like every three to six months. If you do have an STI, ask a doctor to help you think through effective safer sex tactics, and be ready to start candid, informed conversations about those options before you bone a newcomer. Keep a cool head about all of this: Most STIs can be treated! Some can even be cured. None will ruin your sex life forever unless you decide it should.

22. Pick atmospheric music in advance.

It’s annoying to pause a hookup because your playlist suddenly veered into songs that are too brash, techno-y, bubbly, or sad. (Or all of those at once: I don’t want to hook up to a Lady Gaga album outside of a gay bar EVER again. This should never happen in the home.) Have your sonic ducks in a row, whether that means making a sex playlist or having a few albums ready to go. Just don’t get lube on your records as you flip sides. (If you’re looking for ideas: This doesn’t have to only be Prince, although many would argue it should be—especially the deluxe Purple Rain with all those heartfelt demos. Or cue up romantic ambient-ish albums and piano solos.)

23. Visit a sex toy store, even just to browse.

Either by yourself or with a partner, stop by your local sex store to see whether anything piques your interest. Ideally, look for places that state outright on their websites or signage that they’re inclusive and sex-positive, particularly if you want to ask the staff questions. If you don’t live near a physical store, there are endless options online—I like Babeland and Lovehoney. Maybe you’ll buy something, or not—but you will very likely leave brimming with lurid new ideas.

24. Go ahead with any new-to-you venture when you’re actually ready.

Though I wish it were otherwise the case, you won’t always feel up for prioritizing freewheeling yet sensuous expressions of sexual innovation and liberty. Sometimes you’ll be sick, or feel terrible about yourself, or go through an unmooring life change, and you’ll be a little uncertain about your sexual place in the world. You don’t have to force yourself to pull off your grand sexual aspirations unless you’re actually going to enjoy them. It’s okay to go through fallow periods, and to wait them out with acceptance and self-understanding. After all, thoughtful patience is also the main force behind having multiple orgasms.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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6 astonishing penis facts they didn’t teach you in biology

We bet they didn’t teach you you’re erection is 30% longer than you can see

By

School biology lessons can sometimes be a case of a teacher trying to impart the basic facts about sex to a group of giggly teenagers.

And while the trusty basics are a great place to start, there is so much more about penises and erections that we bet they didn’t teach you.

Our sexual health is something we should be all clued up about and our favourite Dr Danae Maragouthakis, from Yoxly, an Oxford-based sexual health start-up, is an Instagram doctor who knows all their is to know about our genitals.

We’ve already covered penis misconceptions, now it’s the time for the hard facts…

There are three types of erection

If you get an erection you may not think much about how you actually became aroused.

But, when your penis gets hard there are actually three different categories of erection it can fall into.

A bunch of bananas with one banana sticking up, suggestive of an erection
There are three different types of erections men can have

A subconscious erection is the first type. These hard ons usually occur when you’re dreaming – you won’t need physiological or physical stimulations.

Psychogenic erections are the result of sexual fantasies either fulfilled in reality or in porn, where your body responds to visual stimuli.

The third and final type of erection is the reflexogenic erection. This is an erection which happens because of direct physical stimulation to the penis.

You don’t need an erection to orgasm

We usually associate an orgasm with an erection but you don’t necessarily need to be hard to finish.

So if you can’t get it up, that doesn’t mean you can’t sometimes still have a satisfying end to getting it on.

Some people can experience an orgasm without being fully erect, while some men have reported being able to orgasm with just their prostate being massaged.

Penile stimulation isn’t always a necessity.

Up to half your erection is hidden

Your penis is actually a lot longer than it looks
Your penis is actually a lot longer than it looks

Men, your penis is actually a lot longer than it looks.

About 30% of the tissues that make up the male erection are internal, so you can’t see it from the outside.

This means a third or even up to a half of your hard on is hidden.

Penises have penile spines

Don’t panic, your penis doesn’t actually have spines! But, while humans don’t have penile spines, plenty of closely related animals do.

These spines are pointed, keratinised structures found in the genitalia of several animals, which may help to induce ovulation or enhance sensation during sexual activity.

Our distant relative – the chimpanzee – has penile spines, as well as cats, bats and cute fluffy koalas down under.

Myth: The penis is a muscle

Wrong.

Danae tells Metro.co.uk: ‘Some people believe that the penis is a muscle that can be exercised to increase size or improve sexual performance.

‘The penis is not a muscle. It looks like muscle because it gets hard when it fills with blood when it gets an erection but it’s actually made predominantly of spongey tissue and blood vessels.

‘When someone fractures their penis, they break the blood vessels that run in the penis and tear the soft tissue. It’s incredibly painful and really dangerous, that’s a medical emergency.

‘Seek medical attention immediately because if you compromise the blood flow to those tissues, they can die.’

Beetroot and oysters could give you better erections

Dr Danae also said that consuming foods that are high in Nitric Oxide can help blood flow, thus improving your erections.

Foods high in Nitric Oxide are dark chocolate, beets, garlic, watermelon and leafy green veggies.

You might finally have a reason to try oysters too! Foods that are high in zinc are important for good testosterone levels and sperm production.

This includes the divisive shellfish, as well as beef, chicken, nuts and beans.

As seems to be the rule of thumb for every part of your body, drinking plenty of water means you’ll be hydrated and promote healthy blood flow, which can only be good for your erections.

Beetroot and leafy greens could help give you better erections
Beetroot and leafy greens could help give you better erections

Smoking-related erectile dysfunction can be reversed

While there is a misconception that smoking can actually shrink your penis there is no scientific evidence to that point.

However, this doesn’t mean the effects of smoking on your body don’t take their toll on your sexual performance and satisfaction.

What you probably did learn in biology is that smoking constricts your blood flow, but they may not have touched upon the fact that means you won’t always get sufficient blood flow to your genitals.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Top 10 Shocking Ways Technology Could Change Sex in the Future

— Have you ever considered the ways technological advances could transform human relationships? From male contraceptive medications, to personalized 3D printed sex toys, to haptic suits that could allow us to experience pornography more directly, there are a variety of unexpected ways tech will shape the future of sex. WatchMojo counts down ten future technologies that could drastically alter our sex lives.

By Nick Roffey

Top 10 Shocking Ways Technology Could Change Sex in the Future

The tech world may very well transform the way we get intimate. Welcome to WatchMojo.com, and today we’re counting down our picks for the top 10 ways technology could change sex.

For this list, we’re looking at emerging and predicted technologies that could significantly change our sexual relationships and impact our sex lives.

#10: DIY-Customizable, Printable Sex Toys

3D printing: the revolutionary technology used to create engine parts, human tissue, houses . . . and Eiffel Tower-shaped dildos. Don’t want to walk into a sex shop or receive a mysterious package at home? Sex toys are becoming printable and customizable. Online retailer SexShop3D allows customers to completely customize their sex devices and print them at home. Choose from a range of adjustments, or just make something up. Get as creative as you like!

#9: Avatar-Based Sex & Virtual Prostitution

In the online world of Second Life, users can make connections, explore an extensive multiverse, and even start virtual businesses. Or you can also, y’know, Netflix and… pixel mash. Just grab some genitals for your avatar at the general store, and you’re off. If you can’t find the right match, there are virtual sex workers available (for a price) in certain locations. Another massive multiplayer online world, Red Light Center, caters to adult tastes exclusively, and employs freelance Working Girls and Guys to entertain their members. Meanwhile, prostitution itself is going virtual, pushing the boundaries of online sex chats, and bringing avatars together in new and… interesting ways. And that’s not even taking into account webcam shows.

#8: Haptic Suits

Several companies have been hard at work creating advanced haptic suits that mimic physical sensations. The Teslasuit, for example, uses “neuromuscular electrical stimulation” to simulate a wide range of tactile sensations, from a breeze to a bullet. Right now, the industry focus is primarily on gaming, but futurologists predict that such suits will one day allow us to experience porn more directly and have sex at a distance. Admittedly however, the early examples of suits designed specifically for sexual purposes are… alarming. Here’s hoping that future incarnations are a little more discrete and less… awkward-looking.

#7: Artificial Wombs

Researchers at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia made headlines in 2017 when they successfully “grew” premature lambs in artificial wombs. The lambs were placed inside fluid-filled plastic “biobags” and attached to mechanical placentas. The researchers hope to develop similar technology for humans. Sound like something out of a sci-fi novel? Well, writers in the genre have been anticipating this development for some time. In the utopian society of Marge Piercy’s acclaimed “Woman on the Edge of Time”, babies are gestated in mechanical brooders and men can breastfeed, allowing both sexes to “mother” children. One day, human babies could grow entirely in artificial wombs, changing our ideas about gender, family, and equality.

#6: Laboratory-Grown Genitals

Dr. Anthony Atala, a urological surgeon specializing in regenerative medicine, has engineered and successfully transplanted artificial bladders and vaginas. Since the organs are created from a patient’s own cells, there’s no risk of the body rejecting the transplant. Tissue engineering could completely revolutionize organ transplantation… and genitals. Atala is growing human penises in vats, and believes transplants will be possible very soon. His work provides hope for people with damaged reproductive organs, or who just want some new junk. Could designer genitalia be just around the corner?

#5: Male Contraceptive Medication

In 2016, the trial of an injectable male contraceptive was halted early due to side effects such as mood changes and acne… which, understandably, prompted women around the world to collectively roll their eyes. Many of the men reportedly actually thought the side effects were worth it, but researchers stopped the trial due to an unexpected and unexplained spike in these effects. Despite mixed results, numerous researchers are continuing to work on solutions for men, such as pills, topical gels, and perhaps most promising, one-time reversible injections, such as Vasalgel and RISUG. Regardless of which option hits the market first, they could finally balance out the burden of birth control.

#4: Teledildonics

Personal sex devices that connect via Bluetooth are providing new ways for couples to relate over long distances, and making porn interactive. A company known as Kiiroo already offers pairable sex toys that promise to let you “feel your lover from anywhere in the world”. This also has applications for pornography. In 2015 pornstar Lisa Ann held what was billed as “the world’s first virtual gangbang”, allowing male viewers to “feel her” by syncing their Kiiroo masturbators to her vibrator. For added intimacy, other companies have developed “hug shirts” and long-distance kissing devices. Teledildonics, paired with haptic suits, promise to make remote sex increasingly realistic.

#3: Virtual Reality

Virtual reality is becoming an increasingly common medium for pornography, with content available on many of the major sites. Add the aforementioned haptic suits and teledildonics, and you have everything you need for virtual sex, be it with actors, or avatars controlled by other people. In an interview with Playboy, Ray Kurzweil, director of engineering at Google, predicted that virtual sex will eventually become commonplace thanks to nanobot networks that will be installed into our brains. Some research projects suggest that VR also has the potential to increase empathy between the sexes. Be Another Lab’s Gender Swap experiment swapped male and female perspectives, while the YWCA in Montreal, Quebec, Canada has used VR to educate young people about consent.

#2: Augmented Reality

At the 2017 Facebook Developer Conference, CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced that the future of the company lies in augmented reality, in which digital images are superimposed onto the physical world. The company is working on smart glasses to help make AR a ubiquitous part of our lives. And futurists claim that this will greatly influence how we have sex. In the same aforementioned Playboy interview, Ray Kurzweil, predicts that we will one day be able to change how our partner looks, making them more attractive, or like someone completely different. Of course, AR also has interesting potential uses for dating apps.

#1: Sex Robots

Sex robots are on their way. Futurist Ian Pearson predicts that by 2050, we’ll have sex with robots more than with people. Seem far-fetched? A subsidiary of Abyss Creations has been working on a robotic head that attaches to their line of life-sized sex dolls. The head features a customizable personality storable on smartphones, thanks to 2017 app Harmony AI. And, a number of other companies are working on their own automated sex dolls. Some observers worry that sexbots will increase gender inequalities, while others believe they’ll reduce human prostitution and trafficking, blowing away the competition with uncanny abilities. Only time will tell just how drastically this will shape the future of sex culture.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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10 must-read books that reimagine sex and power in 2024

— Dive into diverse perspectives on sex, relationships, and reproductive rights with these 10 thought-provoking reads for a sex-positive year.

Dive into diverse perspectives on sex, relationships, and reproductive rights with these 10 thought-provoking reads for a sex-positive year.

By Annabel Rocha

If one of your new year’s resolutions is to read more books, Reckon has you covered. Whether you’re looking for a way to introduce healthy sex discussions to your children, or learn more about the history of abortion in the U.S., here are 10 sex-positive books to add to your collection in 2024.

“Vaginas and Periods 101: A Pop-Up Book” by Christian Hoeger and Kristin Lilla

Talking to kids about reproductive anatomy can be intimidating, but experts say that teaching children the correct terms for their genitals prevents shame and promotes bodily autonomy and safety.

This intro to vaginas and periods book is visually interesting, informative, and inclusive. It features a pop up vulva to provide a more realistic idea of anatomy, explaining that varying shapes and colors are normal.

According to the 2023 State of the Period survey, 90% of teens think schools should normalize menstruation and 81% said they wanted more in-depth education about menstrual health. This book provides a platform to introduce these conversations and answer some basic questions even adults may have wrong.

“The Book of Radical Answers: Real Questions from Real Kids Just Like You” by Sonya Renee Taylor

Award-winning poet and activist Sonya Renee Taylor writes books that make seemingly big topics like puberty and gender approachable for young people, with Taylor’s idea of radical self love infiltrated through the messaging. This book includes questions asked by real kids between the ages of 10 and 14. Taylor approaches many of these questions using her own life stories to humanize the experience, and answer the questions as a friend, someone the reader knows, rather than an unapproachable health expert.

“Red Moon Gang: An Inclusive Guide to Periods” by Tara Costello

According to UNICEF, 1.8 billion people around the world menstruate monthly but menstrual health education in the United States is not sufficient. YouGov found that 48% of adults “were not very or not at all prepared” for their first period, in a March 2023 poll.

In comes Red Moon Gang, which takes an inclusive guide into periods, hormonal fluctuations and what they mean, and how conditions like endometriosis and polycystic ovary syndrome can impact one’s cycle. This book goes beyond what is typically taught in schools, explaining how periods can be especially challenging to people experiencing homelessness, as well as people with disabilities.

“My Mom Had an Abortion” by Beezus B. Murphy

For those who love visuals, this short and sweet graphic novel tells a coming of age story of a protagonist learning about menstruation, her body and abortion as it affected her family. This narrative puts the topic of abortion in context of a real-life situation, making the reader – especially those who have not experienced abortion themselves – question their own preconceived notions about abortion.

“You’re the Only One I’ve Told” by Dr. Meera Shah

Chief medical officer of Planned Parenthood Hudson Peconic in New York, Dr. Meera Shah, compiled a collection of abortion stories told to her, humanizing the experience and illustrating the wide range of circumstances that contribute to one’s decision to have an abortion.

Shah shared an excerpt in Teen Vogue that tells the experience of a genderqueer teen in the Bible belt that needs their dad’s permission to have the procedure due to abortion restrictions in theri state.

“No Choice: The Destruction of Roe v. Wade and the Fight to Protect a Fundamental American Right” by Becca Andrews

Reckon’s very own former reproductive justice reporter Becca Andrews gives an in-depth look at the fight for Roe and the landscape left behind once it was overturned. This is a great read for anyone looking to catch up with how the battle for abortion rights has gone down, or for those looking for insight into the history that got us here.

“Countering Abortionsplaining: How People of Color Can Reclaim Our Stories and Right History” by Renee Bracey Sherman and Regine Mahone

Abortion and midwifery bans are rooted in white supremacy, as the existence of Black and Indigenous midwives stood in the way of white men’s obstetrics and gynecology practices, and enslaved women using cotton root to induce miscarriages threatened future generations for slaveholders to force into labor, according to New Lines Magazine. Abortion restrictions continue to disproportionately impact people of color, with 42% of people receiving abortions in 2021 identifying as Black. Yet, many prominent media abortion portrayals and the reproductive justice movement itself have been accused of being white-washed by women of color.

We spoke with author Renee Bracey Sherman in October about her take on Britney Spears and the importance of sharing abortion stories. Bracey Sherman coauthors this book with journalist Regine Mahone, attempting to provide the full picture of the reproductive justice narrative, providing a history of people of color’s experiences with and contributions to the abortion justice movement.

Scheduled to release in October 2024

“DIY: The Wonderfully Weird Science and History of Masturbation” by Dr. Eric Sprankle

Science says that masturbation is healthy and normal, yet like other aspects of human sexuality, it is surrounded by stigma and shame. Sprankle writes about the history of masturbation suppression, including doctors who run treatment programs for masturbation addiction and pastors who preach believe that masturbation creates mermaids.

On sale March 19, 2024

“The Furies: Women, Vengeance and Justice” by Elizabeth Flock

This book crosses borders and cultures to explore how power dynamics and gender impact women’s safety. Author Elizabeth Flock centers the stories of an Alabama women denied protection of the Stand-Your-Ground law after she killed a man she accused of raping her, a leader of an Indian gang that claims to avenge victims of domestic abuse, and a member of an all-women militia that’s battled ISIS in Syria.

According to the book description, each of these women “chose to use lethal force to gain power, safety, and freedom when the institutions meant to protect them—government, police, courts—utterly failed to do so.”

On sale January 9, 2024

“The Pregnancy Police: Conceiving Crime, Arresting Personhood” by Grace Howard

Fetal personhood and pregnancy criminalization were major issues in 2023, but they aren’t a new phenomenon. Even before the overturning of Roe, people have been punished for the decisions they’ve made regarding their fetuses, with surveillance by healthcare workers contributing to cases against pregnant people.

In this book, Howard analyzes thousands of arrest records documenting the history of pregnancy criminalization from eugenics to the present day.

Scheduled to release in June 2024

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How To Have Multiple Orgasms

— 9 Tips For Women

Got any evening plans?

By

For many women, having one orgasm during sex can be an uphill battle, so the idea of achieving multiple orgasms might seem like the stuff of fiction.

But sex expert Tracey Cox said women are more than able to have multiples. “Because women don’t fall to the post-orgasm resolution phase as quickly as a man does, it’s easier for us to climb back up and have further orgasms in succession,” she told HuffPost UK.

Because we hate feeling left out, and don’t want to wait for National Orgasm Day (31 July), we asked experts how to improve the chances of having multiple orgasms.

1. Do your Kegel exercises.

Disappointingly, having mind-blowing orgasms isn’t all just about having sex and will require a little bit of groundwork before you get to reap the rewards, including doing regular Kegel exercises.

Cox said: “Like the rest of your body, if your pelvic floor muscle is toned and fit, it works better, pumping even more blood to the pelvis (which is great for arousal) and making stronger contractions – giving longer, more intense orgasms.

“Simply squeeze the muscle you use to hold back urine, hold it for two seconds, then release. Do this 20 times, three times per day.”

2. Do work on ‘peaking’ techniques.

They say good things come to those who wait, and no more so than those who don’t just rush straight into an orgasm. Instead, teach yourself to plateau and gradually build to the final moment, rather than rushing ahead.

Cox said: “Peaking involves taking yourself almost to the point of orgasm, waiting for your arousal to subside, then climbing back up again. This trains you to stay in a high state of excitement, following a ‘wave-like’ orgasm pattern, rather than one which starts at the bottom and steadily climbs higher.

“Not only does this optimise the release of endorphins, but it teaches your body to stay in a practically permanent orgasmic pleasure zone, able to orgasm over and over.”

3. Do develop orgasm triggers.

You might think that having sex is your orgasm trigger, but that’s not quite what we mean. Instead learn about the smaller signs that indicate you’re about to have an orgasm, such as your breathing. The more warning your brain gets, the more it will be able to summon the response when you want it.

Tracey Cox said: “Focus on what you naturally do on approach to orgasm, then exaggerate it. If you breathe heavier and faster, breathe even heavier the next time you’re about to climax. If you notice you tense your toes and throw your head back, do that.

“Get to the point where your brain thinks ‘aha deep heavy breathing combined with toe flexing means she’s about to orgasm’! Better get cracking then and make it happen!”

4. Don’t rush into it.

When you think you’re ready to start trying to have multiple orgasms with your partner (or by yourself) remember the golden rule – don’t rush it. For example, you could slowly apply lube to your partner and slowly start again, being aware if your partner is in any discomfort.

Ann Summers’ sex expert Eve Fifer said: “Your body will be much more sensitive after your first orgasm, which means carrying on with heavy stimulation straight away can be painful. And we don’t want that.”

5. Do use different stimulation.

No one likes to be bored in bed, especially your brain. And if you’re expecting yourself to orgasm again and again with the same stimuli then you’re probably going to be disappointed, so mix it up a bit.

“If you have your first via intercourse, you’ve got more chance having another through oral sex than through more penetrative sex,” said Cox.

“A third might be achievable through you masturbating yourself – it’s going to be the hardest to have, so call in the expert (you).”

6. Do take a moment to relax.

There is a big difference between taking a moment to relax between orgasms and just letting your body switch off and go to sleep. Of course it is important to give yourself a brief moment of relaxation (this isn’t meant to be a military boot camp) but stay in the moment and don’t drift away.

“This is what mindfulness is all about,” Fifer added. “Keep your head full of distinctly inappropriate thoughts.”

7. Don’t forget to breathe.

As with relaxing, don’t get so fixated on your orgasm goal that you forget to breathe properly, as this can play a massive part in your likelihood of reaching orgasm for a second or third time.

Cox said: “Some experts say holding your breath on orgasm heightens the sensation, others say if you starve your brain of oxygen, it forces oxygen-giving blood to flow toward it and away from your genitals.

“Continuing to breathe deeply through orgasm is recommended by spiritual sex devotees who claim it means you’re more likely to be able to have a second one.”

8. Don’t forget your partner.

In the midst of all this female orgasm chat, it’s important not to neglect whoever you are in bed with, especially as they may have already had their orgasm and not be feeling in the mood for round two.

“At the end of the day, a woman’s capacity to experience [multiple orgasms], depends on how relaxed and in tune with her body she is, how motivated her partner is, and how little they both have to do,” said Suzi Godson, sex and relationships columnist for The Times.

9. Do remember that practice makes perfect.

As with all things in life, if you want to get good, you’re going to have to put in some practice beforehand.

Fifer said: “Each orgasm will feel more intense than the one before it, and the more you practice the easier you’ll find it to reach the second, and third, and fourth.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!