Category: Sex Education

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What Is a Wet Dream?

It’s perfectly normal and can happen to both males and females

By Brandon Peters, MD

A wet dream, also known as nocturnal emission, is a spontaneous orgasm during sleep that causes a male to ejaculate (“cum”) and a female to orgasm and secrete vaginal fluids. A wet dream is a perfectly normal occurrence, especially during the teenage years or when an adult has an extended period of sexual abstinence (not having sex).

This article explains what causes wet dreams in males and females. It also describes ways to prevent wet dreams if they have become problematic for whatever reason.

A wet dream causes a spontaneous orgasm while you are asleep. An orgasm is the climax of sexual excitement centered around the genitals of both males and females.

For males, orgasm is accompanied by the propulsive release of semen (ejaculation). With females, there may the release of a clear fluid from the urethra (the tube through which urine normally exits the body) during fluid.

Sometimes, a person may only realize that they’ve had a wet dream when their bed sheets or undergarments are moist with semen or vaginal wetness. At other times, an orgasm during a wet dream can be intense enough to awaken a person.

Wet dreams may occur throughout your lives after puberty. But, they are more common during the teenage years when sex hormones are surging or during periods of prolonged sexual abstinence.1

Nocturnal emissions typically start at age 13 to 14 during the so-called middle adolescent years.2 Around 38% of teenage males experience a wet dream before learning what it even is.3

Causes of Wet Dreams

During sleep, the blood flow to your sexual organs may be increased. For males, this can lead to an erection (“hard-on”). This is the common cause of “morning wood” in which you awaken with an erection, typically without ejaculation but sometimes with preseminal fluid (“pre-cum”).

Nocturnal emissions differ in that orgasm occurs during a wet dream. The underlying cause is unknown but there are several theories. Among them:

  • Erotic dreams: Erotic dreams occurring during REM sleep may lead to orgasm. REM sleep is the stage where you will experience the most intense and vivid dreams.
  • Testosterone surge in teens: Wet dreams are linked to high testosterone levels. Testosterone, the primary sex hormone in males, will surge during the teen years right up until early adulthood.
  • Testosterone build-up: In adult males, a prolonger period of abstinence may cause the buildup of testosterone. Testosterone in males helps fuel libido (sex drive) which, in turn, can lead to a wet dream.
  • Stimulation of the genitals: It is possible that the rubbing of the genitals during sleep (such as with bed sheets or lying on your stomach) can cause unintended sexual stimulation. This might contribute to the likelihood of a wet dream.

The cause of nocturnal emission in females is less clear, in part because female wet dreams are harder to identify due to the lack of ejaculation. Only around 10% of females experience “female ejaculation” in which there is a spurt of clear fluid during orgasm.4

Not all males have wet dreams (or, perhaps, don’t recognize them if there is little ejaculate). With that said, famed sexologist Alfred Kinsey suggested that around 85% of males and females experience nocturnal emission at some point in life.5

These findings are supported in part by a 2020 study from the University of Health Sciences in Istanbul, Turkey in which 83% of Muslim boys reported having wet dreams.6

How to Prevent Wet Dreams

Some people believe there are a few ways to reduce how often wet dreams occur. One way is to have more sex or more frequent masturbation that ends with orgasm and ejaculation. This may relieve the need for males to ejaculate during sleep.

Reducing contact with the genitals might also be helpful. Try sleeping on your side or back instead of your stomach to see if it helps.

In the rare cases that wet dreams are troublesome, a doctor might prescribe a medication such as an antidepressant. These medicines might reduce the frequency of wet dreams, but they might also make it hard to ejaculate when you’re awake.

Summary

Wet dreams are when you ejaculate while sleeping, sometimes as a response to sexual dreams. They mostly happen to teenage boys or people going through periods of abstinence.

Wet dreams can be a healthy and normal part of sleep. Aside from the need to clean up clothing or bedding, there’s no particular problem.

A Word From Verywell

If you’re worried about your sexual function and how it impacts sleep, talk to a board-certified sleep doctor. Depending on the issue, they might consult another specialist, like a urologist or gynecologist.

Reassurance may be all that’s needed, but they may want to do more testing. This might give you peace of mind and better rest.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Now is the time to talk to your teens about birth control.

— Here’s how.

By

The Supreme Court ruling in Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization is likely to affect abortion access in roughly half the states, most of which either don’t mandate sex education or offer sex education that emphasizes abstinence, an approach that, research shows, does not encourage adolescents to delay intercourse or reduce the risks that accompany it.

But parents can and should fill the sex education gap, says Laura Widman, an associate professor of psychology at North Carolina State University.

“The Supreme Court ruling makes it more important than ever that we equip teens with all the tools they need to prevent unintended pregnancies,” said Widman, who researches adolescent sexual health. “In all states, and especially in states that are not providing comprehensive sex education in schools, parents have a critical role to play in discussing pregnancy prevention with their kids.”

She understands parents’ hesitance to talk to their kids on the important yet awkward topics of sex and birth control, however. “Oftentimes that anxiety of, ‘I don’t want to say the wrong thing. I don’t want to screw up my kid permanently’ becomes such a barrier that parents say nothing.”

We talked to Widman and others about how parents who would like their kids to use birth control when they become sexually active can best approach the topic.

Toss out any presuppositions of having “the talk” with your children. Building a relationship of openness and support about all aspects of sexuality means having many age-appropriate discussions with your kids, experts said.

“I think it’s never too early to for a parent to start talking with their kids in developmentally appropriate ways about sexual health and safety,” said Annie Hoopes, a pediatrician and adolescent medicine physician-researcher specializing in sexual and reproductive health care. “So for very young kids, it’s talking about understanding your body and who’s allowed to have access to your body and how to communicate your body’s needs.”

As kids reach puberty, she added, the conversations can get more technical and focus on issues like sexual intimacy and how to reduce the risk of pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections.

Waiting for the exact right moment to bring up these issues is also a mistake. “There’s never going to be a perfect time or a right time to discuss things related to sex,” Widman said. “So just start. You can use an opportunity when you hear about something in the news, and you just sort of start and keep it short and sweet.”

Not talking to your teens can leave them with the wrong impression about where you stand, said Julie Maslowsky, a developmental psychologist and associate professor of community health sciences at the University of Illinois at Chicago. “In our research, we have seen many instances where a teen assumes their parent is opposed to them using contraception, and the parent is actually supportive but just hasn’t had conversations with their teen about it yet,” she said.

In her research involving parents of pregnant teens, “often what we hear is, ‘I was going to talk with her about birth control or we were going to go to the doctor. It was on my list,’ ” Maslowsky said. “And so I would say, ‘Do it early. Do it way before your concerns that there is an imminent risk of pregnancy or unhealthy consequences of sex.’ ”
It might take time to find a method that the adolescent is comfortable with, which is another reason to start talking early about birth control. “Giving the teen some options to start learning about and asking questions about contraception before the time that they need it can provide a really nice foundation,” Hoopes said.

Know the facts

Teen pregnancy has been trending downward since 1991; in 2021, there were 14.4 births per 1,000 females ages 15 to 19, according to provisional data. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention cites fewer teens having sex and improved usage of birth control as likely reasons for the decline but also points out that the U.S. teen pregnancy rate is among the highest in the developed world.

If your child is in high school, there is a good likelihood they are having sex. According to 2017 research from the Guttmacher Institute, 20 percent of high school freshman had had sexual intercourse, rising to 57 percent of seniors.

Parents often have the misconception that some forms of birth control are restricted by age, but Hoopes said that as long as an adolescent has had their period and is otherwise healthy, “all methods are available except sterilization, which is getting your tubes tied.” The choices basically boil down to three types, from least to most effective: barrier methods such as condoms and diaphragms; short-acting methods such as the birth control pill, vaginal ring, and skin patches or injections; and long-acting reversible contraception (LARC), such as an IUD or implant.

Many teens, however, are not using the most effective methods of birth control. According to the CDC, data collected from 2015 to 2017 about birth control methods used by sexually active females ages 15 to 19 found that 97 percent had used condoms, 65 percent had used withdrawal and 53 percent had used pills. Nineteen percent had used emergency contraception.

Many teens also are not aware of LARC options, which are expensive. But public health experts are trying to change that. A Colorado initiative to improve access to these options cut teen pregnancy and abortion rates nearly in half.

Make your support clear

>When you do talk to your kids, the main goal should be to convey that they can contact you whatever situation they are in. Hoopes suggested making the conversation “about health and safety, not about values and judgment.” A parent could say something like, “’What I want for you is to for you to achieve your personal goals, for you to complete your education or live your best adult life. And part of that is avoiding pregnancy before you’re ready for one. And I want to be a part of that conversation with you.’”

Widman suggests avoiding yes/no questions, such as “Are you being safe?” Instead, you could ask more open-ended questions, such as, “What have you heard about birth control?” or “What are you friends saying about sexual activity?”

And if you’re wondering how important your involvement is, Hoopes said research indicates that teens are more likely to access contraception and use it more consistently if they feel connected to their families.

Don’t forget your sons

Experts say you should have similar conversations about birth control options with boys as you do with girls. “Both male-identifying and female-identifying adolescents should understand biology and sex and healthy relationships and supportive relationships,” Maslowsky said. “And so, I would not have the conversations very differently. If my teen was capable of pregnancy, then I would talk with them about how to prevent pregnancy in their own body. If my teen was capable of making someone pregnant, then I would talk with them about how they can prevent that.”

Currently, the only male contraceptive option is the condom. While condoms are 98 percent effective with “perfect use” (consistently and correctly), the rate falls to 82 percent with “typical use” (what usually happens in real life). “To use a condom in a way that optimizes the effectiveness does require some education,” Hoopes said. If your teen is not receiving that education through school, you can talk to their pediatrician.

Beyond condoms, which teens of any gender should be using to prevent sexually transmitted infections, boys should understand and be involved in decisions about other forms of contraception, and support their partners, the experts said.

“I would say that pregnancy prevention is everyone’s responsibility and that I think, unfortunately, boys get left out of that conversation, not by their own fault,” Hoopes said.

Help your child consider their options

All birth control options have positives and negatives, and most come with potential side effects. “The best, most supportive thing a parent can do is provide information and provide support and help the adolescent make the decision that’s right for them,” Maslowsky said.

Health-care providers are ready to help. “We use a model called shared decision-making in contraception care,” Hoopes said, “where the patient or the patient and their parent is the expert in their own experience and their body, and the physician or the clinician is the expert in the methods and how they’re used and what the risks and side effects are. And together, in partnership, we make a decision that’s best for that patient.”

Ideally, teens will want to talk to their parents about birth control, but if not, parents can make sure adolescents have some time to talk privately with their pediatrician during their yearly checkups or help them identify other adults — such as a family friend or favorite aunt — who would support them and help them find resources.

Parents can also guide teens — and themselves — to online information from organizations such as the CDC, Planned Parenthood and the American Academy of Pediatrics. The experts also recommended several other resources: Amaze.org has a website and a YouTube channel specifically designed for adolescents by the nonprofit Advocates for Youth, which focuses on sex education. Power to Decide, a nonprofit that seeks to prevent unplanned pregnancies, has a page called Find Your Method. It also runs Bedsider.org, a site aimed at older teens and people in their 20s. The Reproductive Health Access Project has a detailed chart about birth control options.

Trust your kids

According to Maslowsky, there is a consensus in the scientific community “that teens can make decisions about their health care, about their sexual and reproductive health care, that they’re absolutely capable of weighing the pros and cons and making decisions about what’s right for them in terms of the contraception, in terms of being sexually active or not, in terms of abortion.”

Researchers also know that teens like to obtain advice on these issues from adults they are close to. “And so if a teen comes to you and asks for your help, for your opinion, that’s great,” she said. “That means that they’re exercising their ability to make these informed decisions. They’re bringing in trusted experts. And so, I would work with them on the decision. I would support them on their decision.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Beginner’s Guide To BDSM, With Tips From A Sex Therapist

Who, btw, says it’s the safest kind of sex you can have.

By Aryelle Siclait and Korin Miller

Few things in life are as misunderstood as BDSM. The sex practice is often accused of being physically or mentally harmful, something that only survivors of abuse embrace, or abnormally kinky. But it’s important for beginners to understand that it’s actually none of those things.

At its most basic, BDSM is an umbrella term for three categories: bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism (more details on those in a minute). They might each sound scary in their own right, but because they rely on a judgement-free zone where communication about your desires and boundaries come first, BDSM can actually be the safest (and most fun) kind of sex you can have, says Holly Richmond, PhD, a somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist.

“So much of our life is controlled, so for a lot of people, it’s nice to be let off the hook,” Richmond explains. Think about it: Your work schedule, rent payments, and (ugh) taxes are all set by external forces. BDSM offers a world of freedom to play, experiment, and allow someone else to take the reins—at your consent. Or on the flip side, if you’re the one who likes to do the controlling, you get to call the shots for once.

“I like to call it ‘power play’ because, to me, that is at the heart of BDSM,” says sex expert Ian Kerner, PhD, author of She Comes First. “You’re able to use your imagination, create a scene, role play, and tap into themes that are interesting like submission and domination.”

If you’re a BDSM beginner, it can be tough to imagine BDSM as anything but a Red Room (thanks, Fifty Shades) with chains and whips to excite you (à la Rihanna). And though the practice typically does involve props, they don’t make an appearance right off the bat. Instead, as a beginner, you’ll want to take things slowly until you figure out what BDSM looks like for you and your partner(s), since someone else’s methods won’t necessarily get you going.

Also, keep in mind BDSM can take a little prep work, says Jess O’Reilly, PhD, host of the @SexWithDrJess Podcast. “Because BDSM can include activities that are new, intimidating, and risky, you need to proceed with care and caution,” she says. “Don’t assume that you can dive in head-first and re-enact a scene from a film or erotic novel without preparation, education, or experience.”

Below is everything you need to know if you’re thinking about trying your hand at BDSM so that the sexual encounter will leave you pleasured and empowered. As it should.

1. Educate yourself.

Besides oftentimes being inaccurate, the portrayals of BDSM you’ve seen in film (or porn) are probably not going to work for you (they tend to be a tad…extreme). Richmond recommends reading up on BDSM, taking a class to learn about moves and scenarios you can play out with your partner, and bringing in a sex therapist if need be, so that you can figure out what your version of the practice looks like.

But to get a better grasp on what each of three categories mean, here’s a quick primer, from Richmond:

  • Bondage and discipline: Bondage is a form of sex play that focuses on restraint. Having another person control your pleasure is central here, and it can involve props such as handcuffs, ropes, blindfolds, or a range of restraints. Discipline is the practice of training a “submissive” to obey, follow rules, or perform certain acts. Discipline is almost always present in the relationship between a dominant partner and a submissive one.
  • Dominance and submission: This describes the practice of giving power or control (submission) to another who then takes it (dominance). Dominance and submission can be emotional, physical, or both, and the dynamic can be played out in sexual acts—or through acts of being in control/acts of service. For some, the roles are full-time (including outside the bedroom), while for others, the roles are only taken on at predetermined times of erotic encounter.
  • Sadism and masochism: The acts of sadism and masochism are performed by people who derive pleasure from pain. The sadist enjoys inflicting pain on someone else, while the masochist enjoys receiving pain. Remember: This is pleasurable and one of the safest forms of sex because of the significant amount of work put into boundary-setting and open communication. Most people who engage in sadism or masochism enjoy a sense of empowerment from enduring something difficult.

P.S. Your experience doesn’t have to involve all three categories, or even both roles within a category. You might discover, for example, that you’re naturally dominant or submissive, or someone who can switch back and forth between both. Or you might even realize that while you like being tied down (bondage), you don’t particularly enjoy going under the whip (discipline).

2. Start with a fantasy.

Kerner says he sees a lot of couples make the same mistake: They go to a sex shop, grab a few toys, and then come back and tell him that BDSM just isn’t for them. “Instead, it’s better to start with figuring out what’s hot and sexy for you,” he says. “Don’t be afraid to start with your own imagination and what turns you on.” Not sure what does it for you? He recommends reading some BDSM stories that have power themes or watching ethical porn that has BDSM to see what you might be into.

3. Talk it out.

Sit down with your partner and have an honest conversation about your desires, what turns you on, and what your boundaries are. Richmond stresses that this convo, which is incredibly important before trying any type of BDSM (or any sex act, really) must be done face-to-face, since “eye contact is how we communicate empathy.”

Because BDSM typically involves surrendering control, trust and communication is everything. It’s extremely important that you’re as specific as possible with your partner about what you want and don’t want, as they should be with you. For example, let them know if the idea of being blindfolded excites you but having your hands cuffed makes you anxious. Similarly, hear them out if they tell you they never want to be in a submissive role.

From there, the two of you will be able to better negotiate consent and identify your limits to make sure that you’re both comfortable throughout the process.

4. Consider making it a group affair.

If you realize that you’re willing and wanting to go further than your partner, you might even discuss bringing an additional person into the mix. A third party whose boundaries better match up with yours can ensure that you all have fulfilling experiences—as long as, of course, your partner is on board.

If they’re not, try to talk to your partner about what they might be comfortable with trying at least once with you, to see how they truly feel about it. If they absolutely can’t get behind experimenting with some of your fantasies, Richmond notes that it’s common for couples to agree that “when there’s one partner who wants to do more, they will go to sex party or a dungeon.” Again, not as scary as it sounds!

5. Write it down.

Remember how Christian Grey and Anastasia had a written contract? It actually wasn’t a horrible idea. Since BDSM is all about communication, communication, and communication, it might be helpful to write down what you and your partner discuss in a contract of sorts—even if you’re dating or married.

This way you’ll have something to refer to when you need a refresher on your partner’s boundaries, says Richmond. As you get more comfortable with BDSM and want to take it further, you can come back to your contract, renegotiate, and make amendments. P.S. This can be kind of fun—not weird or transactional—because it ups the excitement for what’s to come (emphasis on come).

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6. Pick a setting.

Part of a BDSM game plan is picking a spot to do the deed, says Richmond. That might be a hotel on your next vacation (where it might be easier to tap into a different persona), a room reserved for power-play sex, or just your boring old bedroom. As long as it’s a place you feel safe, you’re good to go.

7. Come up with a safe word.

Speaking of safety, if things go too far and you or your partner cross a boundary you didn’t anticipate, decide on a word you’ll both say (and obviously listen to) if that time comes. Richmond suggests picking something totally random that you wouldn’t normally say in the bedroom, such as “milkshake” or “turtleneck.”

Once you hear or say the safe word, everything should stop immediately. BDSM only works when it’s mutual pleasurable for everyone involved—so as soon as it’s clear things have pushed too far, game over. Ask your partner if they’re okay, stay by their side until they’ve expressed what it is that called for the safe word, and then ask them what they’ll need from that moment forward, says Richmond.

8. Check for emotional safety, too.

That means asking your partner if they’re feeling comfortable. “A simple ‘Are you okay?’ may suffice or you may develop a non-verbal cue to communicate your enjoyment of a scene,” she says. Example: Giving two light taps to let your S.O. know that you’re feeling good. “You’ll also want to check in to establish that your partner’s physical safety is secured,” O’Reilly says. “If you’ve tied them up, you should check the skin under the bondage equipment to ensure that their circulation isn’t obstructed. If you’ve been spanking them, you’ll want to check in and make sure that the pressure isn’t too much for them to handle.”

9. Go shopping.

BDSM is exciting in its own right, but bringing in toys and props can take the fun up a notch, says Richmond. Head to a sex store with your partner and let your imagination run wild. You might load up on restraints, chain nipple clamps, vibrators, paddles, anal beads, and/or lube to help you better lean into your agreed-upon roles.

“This is all about pleasure,” says Richmond so stock up on anything that will make you and your partner feel good.

10. Dress up.

The same way props and toys can bring out your dominant side or the masochist in you, dressing the part can be just as helpful in setting the scene. For example, if you’re the submissive during the experience, you might try a choker—or a cat mask and tail—to represent your willingness to obey your “owner” during the session.

Have fun with it! You don’t need to go all-out Halloween-style, but if a little costume or accessory helps you channel your inner sex goddess, wear it proudly.

11. Go slowly.

“You can talk and plan all you want to, but most of the time, in the moment, there will be a little tripping point,” says Richmond. This makes going slowly essential. You can familiarize yourself with which moves might be too rough for you or your partner and decide whether or not you actually enjoy, say, having your hair pulled during doggy.

Whether you’re just getting into BDSM or you’re a seasoned pro, the practice will always be “an experiential process where the more you do, the more you’ll know,” says Richmond. She assures she’s “very rarely heard of someone getting hurt beyond what was agreed upon,” but you still have your partner to think about. Taking your time helps ensure that you don’t cross their boundaries, either—because once you do, they might not want to give BDSM another go.

12. Space out your experiences.

It’s easy to get so ramped up at the idea of trying BDSM that you want to dive in with everything ASAP. But O’Reilly recommends slowing your roll. “Don’t feel you need to try everything at once,” she says. “The kinky sex all-you-can-eat buffet is constantly being replenished and you can come back for as many rounds as you’d like.”

She suggests trying out one BDSM aspect at a time and then “break down your wildest fantasy into manageable parts.” For example, if you’re craving sex in public, lots of props, spanking, and submission, maybe try incorporating just one of them into your regular rotation at a time. “You might gradually move sex into a semi-public space, like a balcony or backyard, or before beginning to try new props and power play,” O’Reilly says. “Too much novelty at once can overwhelm your senses and intensify anxiety to a level at which arousal becomes impossible.”

13. Save time for “aftercare.”

“The conversation you have after the experience is just as much a part of sex as the acts themselves,” says Richmond. This conversation, typically called “aftercare,” is a chance to debrief by asking your partner about what they enjoyed most and what they were thinking when you, say, lightly spanked them.

The verbal intimacy and vulnerability expressed after the BDSM experience will strengthen the bond you have with your partner. And that’s a whole other type of bondage worth getting behind.

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How to Talk to Your Child About Sex, Ages 6 to 12

By Cynthia Gorney

How do I handle the birds-and-bees speech responsibly?

Give up on the idea of presenting the subject in one big talk — you’ll overwhelm your child with more bewildering and even distasteful information than she can process at once. Instead, think of it as a gentle conversation that will take place over several months or perhaps even years. Keep your explanations as simple and specific to the discussion as you can. A 6-year-old wondering what “birth control” means is not necessarily asking you to delineate the mechanics of intercourse.

The hardest part, of course, is staying composed. Try to respond to your child’s initial question without turning red or acting as though some momentous exchange is taking place; such a response might unnerve her or suggest that sex is linked to feelings of shame. If you can remain calm and speak naturally early on, you send an important message to your child: “You don’t need to feel nervous about asking me about this. It’s something we can talk about.”

When you arrive at the point of giving a technical description of “the Act,” it may help both of you if you say something simple like, “Look, I know this sounds gross to you now, but — trust me — it will seem different when you’re older.” A straightforward and honest approach is the best way to get through this: “When a man and a woman decide they want to do this, the man’s penis goes inside the woman’s vagina, and sperm comes out of the man’s penis. Sometimes the sperm joins with one of the tiny eggs inside the woman’s body, and that makes the egg begin growing into a baby. This happens in the special place women have called a uterus.”

Once you make it through this, you should expect your child to look both dumbfounded and suspicious, especially if it dawns on her that you may have done this thing at least once. Don’t be surprised if she suddenly changes the subject, walks away, or acts as though she hasn’t heard a word you’ve said. She heard you. She just needs time to let it sink in.

When does my daughter need to learn about menstruation?

Earlier than you probably think. Girls now commonly start their periods as early as fifth grade, so even if your daughter looks as though she’s nowhere near puberty, her schoolmates’ accounts may confuse and upset her if you haven’t given her the basic information first. She needs two things from you: first, the physical details of menstruation, and second, the security that when her period does begin (or her best friend betrays her by getting her period first), she can tell you about it without having you get embarrassed or weepy on her. You might want to start this conversation off (or simply let her know that you’re willing to have it whenever she wants) with a casual question or remark: “Do you know if any of the older girls at school have started their periods yet?” Or: “You know, when I was your age, I didn’t understand about periods and I felt too embarrassed to ask anybody.”

Another useful approach for a child who’s reached the age of 10 or so is to give her a good, readable kids’ book on puberty and sexual development. Before buying, look it over yourself to make sure you like its approach. Then put the book in your child’s room, where she can look at in private, and casually tell her that you’ve left it there for her to look at if she wants to. You can be sure the book will be read, and it may ease her fears and help her feel more comfortable about talking to you about sexual issues and feelings. One excellent series is the What’s Happening to My Body? books — one for girls and one for boys — by Lynda Madaras. Another invaluable guide for girls is The Period Book (Everything You Don’t Want to Ask But Need to Know) written by Karen Gravelle in consultation with her 15-year-old niece, Jennifer. Positive and practical, it covers tampons, pads, pimples, mood swings, and all of the other things girls wonder and worry about as they learn to deal with their menstrual cycles.

When does my son need to learn about erections, ejaculation, and wet dreams?

Boys may notice the erections of other boys (even babies), wonder about their own erections and physical responses, and hear “boner” jokes or other crude references as early as first grade. So it’s a good idea to explain erections even to very young boys in a low-key way, making sure they understand that there’s nothing shameful about a natural body response that they often have no control over. This should be easier if you’ve used the correct terms for body parts from the beginning; if you haven’t, start getting your child comfortable with saying “penis” and easing him away from the euphemistic terms he’s used until now.

Boys begin to have wet dreams when they reach puberty, usually between the ages of 9 and 15. A boy’s first ejaculation may occur during a wet dream, and when he wakes up, he may not realize what happened. Thus it’s important to let your son know well before puberty that wet dreams are a normal part of growing up and nothing to be ashamed of, that he can’t control them, and that ejaculation is just a physical sign that he’s growing into manhood.

What should I say to my child about masturbation?

Talking about masturbation is embarrassing for both you and your child, but it’s important to let her know that there’s nothing shameful or abnormal about sexually stimulating herself. By this age, your child should be long past touching herself in public, but both boys and girls may continue to masturbate in private, some of them quite often. Your child may feel guilty about this unless you reassure her that it’s not only normal but healthy to have sexual feelings, and that everyone masturbates, though they may not talk about it.

How can I find out what my child is learning from friends, school, and the media?

By being as inquisitive as you can, without tipping off your child that you’re snooping — at this age, kids absolutely don’t want to feel that their parents are looking over their shoulder. At school, ask the teachers exactly what they’re teaching at each grade level. (When and how do they discuss the reproductive system, sexually transmitted diseases, sexual harassment, and so on?) If they use textbooks or handouts, read them yourself.

You probably worry about what comes at your child on the Internet, but watch her television shows, too. Pick up the magazines she’s looking at. Be aware of what registers at her eye level on magazine stands, particularly the ones that hold adults-only publications. If you can stand it, listen to your child’s favorite radio stations for a while. You’ll probably see that from school age on, kids are inundated with sexual references — most of them sniggering, disrespectful, or misleading. The more you know about what your child is seeing and hearing about sex from other sources, the better equipped you are to make sure she knows what you want to tell her.

Does my child need to know about condoms and sexually transmitted diseases before she’s reached puberty?

Unfortunately, she probably does. She’s likely to be hearing or reading references to AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases in the news and from her schoolmates; if you live in an urban area, she’ll notice all the billboards and ads on the sides of buses invoking the importance of “safe sex.” You might as well make sure she’s getting information that’s accurate and no more scary than it has to be. And answering her questions matter-of-factly is one more way of reassuring her that she can trust you to discuss sex calmly with her.

Do I have to explain oral sex to my child when she’s this young?

If she’s 6 years old, no. But by the time kids are in fifth or sixth grade, “blow job” has likely become part of their vocabulary — we can thank the latest round of popular gross-out movies for that. So you’d be wise to prepare yourself for a question or conversation about oral sex, especially since it continues to be a fascinating and perplexing subject for kids in middle and high school. It’s not too early to start talking to your child about the important connections among sex, love, and responsibility. You may want to explain that kissing another person’s private parts is another way of having sex; that even though a girl can’t get pregnant this way, it’s possible to transmit dangerous diseases through oral sex; and that oral sex, just like the other kind, entails feeling love, commitment, and regard for the person with whom it’s performed.

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6 things sex educators want you to know about a post-Roe America

Quality sex education will be more important than ever. But it too faces challenges.

Employees and volunteers dismantle exhibits at the Robert Crown Center for Health Education in Hinsdale, Illinois, in January 2018, as it converted to a mobile model to travel to schools to provide sex education.

By Keren Landman

On Friday, the US Supreme Court struck down Roe v. Wade, the legal decision that has for decades granted Americans the right to an abortion.

For young people, the prospect of dramatically reduced access to abortion creates enormous uncertainty — not only about their options in the event of an unplanned pregnancy, but because the political movement that brought us the end of Roe is also seeking, in many cases, to limit quality sex education overall.

I reached out to three sex educators to hear what they want all of us — not just young people — to remember as we head into a post-Roe future. Their responses fell into two categories: concerns about the overlap between the political movements to restrict abortion and sexual literacy, and advice for people who think they might one day need an abortion.

Here’s what they said.

Sex education is a target of the same politics that threatens abortion access

First, let’s be clear that what we mean when we talk about comprehensive sex education is sex ed that hinges on a deep understanding of physical and sexual autonomy. This type of sex ed helps prevent teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, in contrast with the abstinence-focused “sexual risk avoidance” programs that do not. The educators I spoke with are all proponents and teachers of comprehensive sex education.

Many of the educators I spoke with see the assault on abortion access as part of a much broader, long-term strategy geared toward consolidating white male power. That strategy also includes anti-trans legislation, book bans, and efforts to do away with medically accurate sex education, said Michelle Slaybaugh, a former school sex educator who directs social impact and communications at SIECUS, a nonprofit comprehensive sex ed advocacy organization.

All of those movements have something in common, said Slaybaugh: “It’s about controlling women’s bodies,” she said. “When you don’t know about your body, you cannot make decisions that will allow you opportunities to advance.”

Opponents of a proposal to make changes to the sex education guidance for teachers in California rally at the state capitol in Sacramento in May 2019. The California State Board of Education was voting on new, non-mandatory guidance for teaching sex education in public schools, which would give teachers ideas about how to teach a wide range of health topics including speaking to children about gender identity.

In contrast to “sexual risk avoidance” education, which focuses on sexual abstinence as prevention, comprehensive sex education is medically accurate, inclusive of diverse sexual orientations and gender identities, and focused on giving learners a sense of autonomy — that their bodies and behaviors are under their control. While the more comprehensive approach is proven to reduce teen pregnancy, it isn’t a requirement in most states. (According to SIECUS, only 11 states mandate school-based sex education and require that it be medically accurate when taught. That said, there are a lot of ways sex ed can be categorized — see this chart — and overall, the sex education picture in the US is an inconsistent patchwork.)

>Where good sex education does exist, it often faces attacks. In 2021, state legislators across the US proposed 23 bills seeking to restrict sex education, by requiring an emphasis on abstinence-only programming, making the content “opt-in,” or in other ways. The political reality is that political movements that denounce abortion also denounce comprehensive sex ed: States that restrict comprehensive sex ed are more likely to also restrict abortion.

High-quality sex ed is still extremely popular among teachers, students, and parents

Although some conservative lawmakers are working hard to get abstinence-only messaging into school health classes, they may be out of step with even conservative voters in right-leaning states, who have historically favored comprehensive, medically accurate sex education.

In a 2018 survey from the Public Religion Research Institute, more than half of Republicans surveyed agreed that comprehensive sex education is more effective than abstinence-focused education at lowering youth rates of unintended pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections. Two separate polls conducted in 2013 showed that 90 percent of residents in deeply red South Carolina supported comprehensive sex education, and in North Carolina, 72 percent of parents favored teaching students about birth control. The pattern has repeated itself in other broadly conservative states.

More recently, a boom in state legislation has given parents and other community members the power to censor the educational content that schools provide on the basis of ideological objections. Many of these bills have already led schools to avoid teaching age-appropriate content on LGBTQ sexuality, a cornerstone of comprehensive sex ed.

Posters are displayed in the classroom of a high school in North Hills, California, in May 2018.

But on these bills, too, right-leaning elected officials may be more conservative than their own constituents. Nationally, parents — even conservative ones — are split on support for this kind of legislation: In a recent Morning Consult poll of parents, one-quarter of Republicans supported teaching about sexual orientation and gender identity. Meanwhile, 58 percent of Democrats and 38 percent of independents favored teaching on these issues in schools.

If parents want to see their children get medically accurate sex ed in school, “it’s now time for them to move their feet,” said Slaybaugh. “Go to the board meeting, voice your opinion, advocate.”

Sex ed will be more important than ever after Roe

The educators we spoke with agreed that as restrictions on abortion access increase, enabling young people to prevent unwanted pregnancies will become even more important.

In places where public schools provide comprehensive sex education, teen pregnancy rates are significantly lower than in places where they don’t. And while after-school programs may fill some of the gaps in districts where public schools are restricted from providing comprehensive sex education, these programs generally require students and parents to opt in. That raises the possibility that the lowest-income kids — who arguably benefit most from in-school programming — will get left out.

TikTok is also filling in some gaps: Although internet sex ed sources can be rife with misinformation, a growing number of sex educators and health care providers are distributing medically accurate and inclusive sex ed content to large audiences on several social platforms. For example, the account of OB-GYN Jennifer Lincoln, which recently featured a sentient uterus begging to be spared something called “herbal rejuvenation pearls,” has 2.8 million followers.

In the long term, broader access to high-quality sex education is what young people need to make the best decisions for their health and their future. However, the quality and content of sex education isn’t held to a national standard.

As much as sex education has suffered already, Julia Feldman-DeCoudreaux, an Oakland, California-based school sex educator, fears that it will suffer even more now that anti-abortion activists are seeing wins. That would leave a lot of young people with big deficits in pregnancy prevention skills — and without access to resources for dealing with the consequences of those deficits, she said. “If that happens, we’re going to have a catastrophic situation.”

It’s about to be particularly important to avoid unwanted pregnancy — and to act on it quickly

As abortion access becomes more restricted, preventing unwanted pregnancy becomes particularly important, said the educators.

That’s why Hanne Blank Boyd, a women’s and gender studies professor at Denison University in Granville, Ohio, has her students make a list of ways to have sex that can’t get you pregnant. These discussions start out awkward, she said, but it’s worth it to ensure “their definition of what sex is is expansive enough that they know that they have sexual options that are not potentially procreative.”

Feldman-DeCoudreaux said she’ll be encouraging people to use long-acting reversible methods of contraception like IUDs and implantable contraception. “The failure rate is a lot lower than just things like condoms,” she said.

Although it’s impossible for people to predict how they’ll feel in the event of an unplanned pregnancy, it may become particularly helpful to think through the logistics of obtaining an abortion in advance of needing one.

If contraception does fail or isn’t used, Feldman-DeCoudreaux also expects availability for abortion appointments will tighten as the number of providers falls. She therefore plans to advise people to make plans for an abortion faster than they might have previously. “The windows of opportunity for unmedicated abortions or surgical abortions are going to be a little bit pushed up,” she said, “because of a congested system.”

She also tells her students to think about their access to a working car and their networks of friends and family members in places where abortion will remain accessible.

The farther people have to travel to get abortion care, the less likely they are to receive it, Boyd said. “This is the time to start thinking about the practicalities.”

Legal abortions rarely require clinic visits and are safer than pregnancy and giving birth

These days, most abortions happen in the comfort of a person’s home — something many young people don’t realize, said Feldman-DeCoudreaux. “In their minds, it involves going into a clinic, and it involves your legs in the stirrups, and involves something maybe painful or gruesome,” she said.

The concept of abortion as something invasive and expensive is not only scary and alienating but also inaccurate.

Doses of mifepristone, the abortion pill, and misoprostol, which is taken the day after to cause cramping and bleeding to empty the uterus, are pictured at Women’s Reproductive Clinic in Santa Teresa, New Mexico, in May. The clinic has been a provider of abortion pills to mostly women from Texas, where abortion was made largely illegal by Texas Senate Bill 8.

In reality, medication abortions account for more than half of all US abortions, and that number is on the rise. These kinds of abortions involve taking medicines that induce the body to pass the pregnancy similar to the way it would pass a very heavy period. If those pills are provided by mail or at a pharmacy after a telehealth visit, they allow the people using them to make an end run around the travel, cost, and potential for harassment of a visit to an abortion clinic.

It’s important to shift the narrative about what an abortion looks like, said Feldman-DeCoudreaux. “In talking with students, that’s also really comforting information for them,” she said.

Preconceptions involving stirrups and pain make legal abortion seem unsafe, when it is in fact far safer than carrying and delivering a pregnancy, especially for Americans. In the US, 17 birthing parents die for every 100,000 babies born — more than twice as many as in other high-income countries. Meanwhile, legal abortions, including medication abortions, are extremely safe, with only 0.4 deaths for every 100,000 abortions performed between 2013 and 2018.

Don’t think of abortion restrictions as the norm

“Roe might be ending, but abortion in America is not.” That’s the mantra Feldman-DeCoudreaux has been repeating to herself lately.

Thirteen states have trigger laws designed to ban abortions entirely in the event of a decision to overturn Roe. But other states are moving to expand abortion access to accommodate the anticipated rise in demand, and public opinion still broadly supports the right to abortion access.

Boyd says it’s important for her students to understand that rights are not the same things as laws. That is, regulating abortion isn’t what determines whether you have an innate right to decide on your own terms to continue or end a pregnancy.

She also reminds her students that abortion was not always illegal or even controversial in the US, and that other religions and countries regulate abortion very differently than the US does. It’s all part of helping them understand how the fight over abortion fits into our particular place and time, she said: “Don’t ever assume that the way it is in this moment is the way it has to be.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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This book aims to make sex-ed for kids and teens a little more colourful and a little less awkward

‘You Know, Sex’ takes a welcoming approach that supports both young readers and their parents

Crop of Cory Silverberg and Fiona Smyth’s “You Know, Sex: Bodies, Gender, Puberty, and Other Things”

By Shailee Koranne

Most of us don’t look back on sex-ed fondly; my own memories of it are wrapped up in awkward health class lessons and uneasy conversations at home. But sexual education doesn’t have to be unpleasant. It can be funny without making you feel like the butt of the joke, and it can be informative without talking down to you. Cory Silverberg and Fiona Smyth’s latest sex-ed book You Know, Sex: Gender, Puberty, and Other Things sets a welcoming tone immediately, quoting disability justice organizer and artist Patty Berne in a letter to the reader: “There is no right or wrong way to have a body.”

Sex-ed, especially right now, is rife with conflict between disagreeing parents and policymakers — but it’s kids and teens who bear the consequences of inadequate sexual education. Detractors of a comprehensive sex-ed curriculum say that it confuses kids and encourages sexual risk-taking behaviour. In reality, sex-ed empowers young people and reduces risk-taking by increasing knowledge about safer sex and sexual health.

This is where You Know, Sex comes in. It’s the third instalment in a trilogy of sex-ed books for kids and teens written by Silverberg and illustrated by Smyth, following the acclaimed titles What Makes a Baby? and Sex is a Funny Word. You Know, Sex immerses the reader in the lives of four young characters named Mimi, Omar, Cooper, and Zai, who represent different ethnicities, genders, sexualities, and abilities. Gender, consent, reproduction, relationships, and safety are among the wide range of topics covered in a way that’s accessible to young audiences.

Cory Silverberg and Fiona Smyth’s “You Know, Sex: Bodies, Gender, Puberty, and Other Things.”

Silverberg, who grew up in Toronto, wanted You Know, Sex to be inclusive of many different experiences. “My life is full of people exactly like Mimi, Omar, Cooper, and Zai, and they’re a part of my community,” they say. “We wanted [the book] to feel like real life. We wanted people to recognize themselves in all aspects of the book.” 

Fiona Smyth’s vivid illustrations of the well-rounded cast of characters lend an exciting and imaginative feeling to topics that are usually handled clumsily. Our recollection of sex-ed may conjure up memories of graphic images whose purpose was to shock us, but Smyth’s bold use of colour and whimsical, yet detailed, drawings of people and bodies makes the book approachable. 

Adolescence is a crucial age, something that everyone implicitly knows because we all harbour a bit of tenderness over our teenage selves. It’s when the topic of sex suddenly becomes omnipresent: we start noticing changes in our and others’ bodies that we don’t understand, and we begin to feel unfamiliar emotions and desires that might scare, excite, or overwhelm us. Recess-time gossip would have us nodding like we understood what everyone was talking about, even if we had no idea. While the topic was inescapable, having real conversations about sex still felt out-of-bounds, even shameful — everything is embarrassing when you’re young.

Cory Silverberg and Fiona Smyth’s “You Know, Sex: Bodies, Gender, Puberty, and Other Things” pg. 44.

You Know, Sex confronts those feelings of awkwardness and shame head-on and deals with them through care, playfulness, and approachable language. Take, for example, the section under the chapter “Bodies” that explains genitalia. Silverberg uses “middle parts” to subvert the euphemistic term “private parts” that is often used to describe genitalia, and lightly explains that “every part of our body could be private, not just the parts that other people think are for sex.” In the same section, the four main characters sing a funny song about middle parts, and Smyth’s brilliant illustrations accompany functional explanations of penises and vaginas.

Best of all, You Know, Sex asks as many questions as it answers. Arguments against sex-ed claim that sexual education “indoctrinates” children by telling them what to believe; this is particularly untrue about this book. Instead of telling its readers how they should feel about something, it offers explanations on a given topic, then leaves it up to the reader to decide how to react. For instance, following a short overview about peer pressure (which the book is sure to mention can also come from adults in kids’ lives), it asks several questions for the reader to contemplate further, like, “Can you think of a time when your yes or no was respected and listened to?” 

“Kids have the capacity to think critically at every age,” says Silverberg. “Our books are about supporting kids to learn on their own terms.”

Cory Silverberg and Fiona Smyth’s “You Know, Sex: Bodies, Gender, Puberty, and Other Things” pg. 44.

It can be deeply affirming, even as an adult, to read a book like You Know, Sex that talks about tender topics with you in mind — something Silverberg’s readers have confirmed. The GoodReads page for Sex is a Funny Word, which precedes You Know, Sex, is full of stories from readers who wished they had access to the book when they were younger. One reader wrote, “My heart broke a little realizing how different things could have been had I had this in my arsenal as a pre-teen.”

Modernized sexual education is crucial for the wellbeing and safety of children and people everywhere, something that research has proven time and time again. Children and young people who receive sex-ed go on to use contraception at higher rates and have fewer unplanned pregnancies. There is also a direct link between sexual education and people feeling an increase in their own autonomy and confidence. “Information is prevention. Information is a way to protect kids,” Silverberg explained in an interview about You Know, Sex on The Social.

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Autism and Sexuality

— Understanding Your Child’s Sexual Development

For parents of neurotypical children and neurodivergent children alike, some things are universal. We all want our kids to be happy, healthy, and loved, and we all worry—a lot.

By Rachel Andersen

One of the biggest concerns we may have for our kids can be how they will handle romantic relationships, sex, and the social aspects of dating in general. There is much to think about, but adding autism into the discussion takes it up a notch.

In this article we will take a few minutes to study autism and sexuality. We will find out what we as parents need to know about supporting our kids with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) as they navigate their sexual development, and all that it brings with it.

E – expression

In the grand scheme of things, children, adolescents, and young adults with autism spectrum disorders, need to know the same basic things about sex as their neurotypical peers. Most often, it’s how they process, implement, and express themselves that can be different. It is important to educate our kids.

Relationship education

Relationship education is the base of understanding for:

  • social skills
  • sexual well being

Sexual education

Sexual education is the foundation of safety for:

  • promoting sexual health
  • prevention of sexual abuse and sexual assault
  • protection from sexually transmitted infections
  • sexual function

In order for us to educate our children, we must first educate ourselves. In her paper, titled Sexuality and Adolescents with Autism, Rebecca Koller writes: “Education for caregivers of individuals with autism regarding issues of adolescence and self-pleasuring may help alleviate the anxiety of individuals with autism caused by misinformation or the absence of information. Such education, along with information regarding sexual abuse, should be included in a proactive approach to sexuality training for individuals with autism.”

A child with intellectual disability is going to process the information they need differently, and the most effective way to help them with that is to give them the information at their level.

Social stories are a great way to educate. Hypothetical situations used to illustrate real situations provide an opportunity to walk through topics and allow our child to practice relationship skills in a safe, low pressure way. Sexual education can start with these.

D – desire

According to an article published in the National Library of Medicine, titled Brief Report: Asexuality and Young Women on the Autism Spectrum, studies show that a higher percentage of people with autism spectrum disorders identify as asexual. The presence of sexual attraction will clue us in to what direction we can take with our kids.

As we build our relationship with them, we can learn about what they feel and think about sexual things, and help guide them along the way.

U – understand

Information unlocks many doors. Being misunderstood is one of the largest obstacles for our kids on the spectrum. If we as parents strive to be a constant source of understanding in our kids’ lives, our relationship with them will strengthen, and their ability to take on the world will increase.

We need to help our kids understand that their feelings are normal, and the most appropriate ways to express them. Their understanding of others feelings, desires, and appropriate expression is of utmost importance as well.

How does autism affect intimacy?

In Webster’s dictionary (2022) the word “intimate” is defined as: marked by a warm friendship developing through long association. Our kids’ first intimate relationship is with us; we are the ones they are familiar with.

As they get older that circle widens and more people are allowed in. As they grow and develop, the kind of intimacy with each person in their circle changes.

This can be difficult for children with autism. In order for them to understand appropriate intimacy with others, they need to build their social skills.

Addressing sexuality begins with setting clear and distinct boundaries about what intimacy is, and how it relates to sex and relationships. Then, we need to understand how autism can affect intimacy, and help our child comprehend and prepare for how that can show up in the interactions with others they are close to. They need to know what is appropriate and what isn’t, and from whom.

Helping our child understand sexuality socially, it is important to discuss the way sexuality is expressed. In the interest of educating ourselves first, let’s find out how autism can affect sexual behavior.

Sexual behaviors

As parents we will bring views and emotional “baggage” with us from our own lives that will affect our understanding of our kids. Some of us want to do things opposite to how our parents raised us, others want to preserve the “right” way we learned from our elders. Either way, it is imperative that we see our children clearly and strive to learn from them through a fresh set of eyes, ears, and hearts.

Sexual behavior can be terrifying to address for parents, especially if those behaviors come up at very inopportune times with our kids. Learning as much as we can about sexual behavior and how they can be influenced by autism can really help prepare us to deal with them as they come. Addressing behavior should be done with a calm and understanding approach.

Behavior like:

  • masturbation
  • hypersexuality
  • inappropriate touching

If these behaviors occur at inappropriate times or places because of a lack of understanding of social situations, it can pose a problem for our kids. Teaching them about their bodies early on can go a long way to helping our children know when, where, and with whom they may express themselves sexually.

Koller writes: “Education regarding sexual abuse should be a component of responsible sexuality education. Increased vulnerability among children with disabilities relates to their inability to understand or communicate what has happened or what will happen.

“Two of the most important issues to address in the area of social-sexual relationships are how to teach appropriate behavior and how to balance risk and opportunity. Walcott (1997) reports that ‘without proper education in the areas of sex, health, and physical education, people with moderate and severe disabilities risk exposure to sexual exploitation, poor health, abuse, and neglect.’”

The aspects of romantic relationships are just one of the complexities that our kids with autism may struggle with socially. There is some overlap in the educational needs.For example, teaching our kids about body language is helpful since they may not pick up on those cues on their own. Understanding body language at a young age will help them detect new body language signals or recognize negative ones early, just because they are different to what they already know. This can help protect them from people who may not have their best interest at heart.

Gender identity, sexual orientation, and sexual identity

In a study called: Gender identity and Sexual Orientation in Autism Spectrum Disorder, Rita George and Mark A Stokes comment that “children are generally cognizant of their gender between the ages 18 months and 3 years, and by the beginning of school years, most children will have achieved a sense of their gender identity and a certain degree of gender constancy, at which time children begin to realize that gender is a permanent state that cannot be altered by a change of clothing or activity”.

The same study revealed an increase in the likelihood of individuals with ASD to experience gender identity issues. “When compared to typically developing individuals, autistic individuals reported a higher number of gender-dysphoric traits. Rates of gender-dysphoria in the group with autism spectrum disorder were significantly higher than reported in the wider population. Mediation analysis found that the relationship between autistic traits and sexual orientation was mediated by gender-dysphoric traits.

“Results suggest that autism spectrum disorder presents a unique experience to the formation and consolidation of gender identity, and for some autistic individuals, their sexual orientation relates to their gender experience. It is important that clinicians working with autism spectrum disorder are aware of the gender-diversity in this population so that the necessary support for healthy socio-sexual functioning and mental well-being is provided.”

Children know from such an early age who they are, what they like, and though they may mask their feelings because of social pressures, it doesn’t change who they are.

As parents, looking at the data we can see that we need to be ready to support our child with autism if they come out as part of the LGBTQ+ community, and to recognize the signs, and so that we have a chance to know before they do.

Our treatment of them can either reinforce, or counteract society’s views of them. If they are loved, supported, and educated with us, they will know when to recognize safe people to have relationships with. They will know what healthy looks and feels like, and they will be confident in who they are.

Their mental health is just as important as their sexual health. Safety is the goal. Knowing the increased chances of social misunderstandings, communication is imperative.

C – communicate

As we impart the knowledge we gain to our child, and our relationship with them grows, we can watch them begin to navigate their own relationships in the world. They can learn to communicate with others they are interested in and build healthy intimate relationships.

A – allow

In the world in which we live, so much of what we have discussed above is controversial. We may not agree with the conclusions that our kids come to, the relationships they wish to pursue, or who they know themselves to be. Accepting them for who they are and who they love does not always mean endorsement.

Many parents choose to disassociate from their children when they find out they are not who they thought they were, whether that is their sexual orientation, gender identity, or their sexual choices. This can leave the young adult vulnerable and unsupported.

The goal for parents should be to make sure their child knows what they need to know, is capable of making their own decisions, and to love and accept them regardless. You can disagree without disengaging.

We can allow our children to be who they are, love them, and keep the lines of communication open. We should encourage free and open discussion, foster social interactions, and facilitate relationships with children their same age–mentally, not just in years. An emphasis on gender diversity, as well as children of their own gender identity is important.

T – timeline

You may be thinking, this is too much information to throw at a kid, and I would agree. However, sex education can begin very early. Age appropriate information about their bodies, body parts, and functions, who they belong to, friendships, body language of friends, family, and strangers can all be collected with our kids. All of this being before our kids experience being sexually attracted, sexual activity, sexual experiences, so that when those things do occur, they are ready—even if we are not.

I – Inspiration

How we handle the topics that come up around sexual matters with our kids will inspire them. If we are calm, matter of fact, informative, and set a good example ourselves, they will be inspired to do the same. Their view of themselves, their sexuality, and human connection starts with what they observe in us.

O – Outsource

There are programs to help children and young adults with ASD learn what they need to know socially and how to find romance safely. I want to share with you two resources, both are courses or services run by speakers from the Autism Parenting Summit.

Michael Clark runs: Amazing Skills for Kids and Adults

Jeremy Hamburgh runs: My Best Social Life

N – Nuance

Sexuality is a spectrum. It encompasses much more than the act of intercourse. Understanding your child’s sexualality is important, as it is as unique as they are. EDUCATION is key.

Acceptance and understanding start at home and carry throughout life. Your child needs to know they are loved, and worthy of love. They can grow to be confident individuals who understand their sexuality, express it appropriately, and engage in healthy relationships with others.

References:

Bush, H. H., Williams, L. W., & Mendes, E. (2021). Brief Report: Asexuality and Young Women on the Autism Spectrum. Journal of autism and developmental disorders, 51(2), 725–733. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-020-04565-6

Rebecca Koller (2000). Sexuality and Adolescents with Autism. Sexuality and Disability, Vol. 18, No. 2, https://abafit.coursewebs.com/Courses/BEHP1096/Autism%20and%20Sexuality.pdf

George, R., & Stokes, M. A. (2018). Gender identity and sexual orientation in autism spectrum disorder. Autism, 22(8), 970–982. https://doi.org/10.1177/1362361317714587

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Words matter

— Terms, pronouns and vocabulary to add to your everyday dictionary

By Sharla Brown-Ajayi

The glossary listed below is a list of terms used within the LGBTQIA community. This list is not completely comprehensive, as language is constantly evolving and new terms and identities are always forming. It is important to mirror the language someone uses to describe themselves to affirm their identity. When in doubt about a word, just ask!

advocate – ( verb) to actively support a particular cause, the action of working to end intolerance or educate others

agender – ( adj. ) a person with no (or very little) connection to the traditional system of gender, no personal alignment with the concepts of either man or woman, and/or someone who sees themselves as existing without gender. Sometimes called gender neutrois, gender neutral, or genderless.

androgyny/androgynous – ( noun ) a gender expression that has elements of both masculinity and femininity

aromantic – ( adj. ) experiencing little or no romantic attraction to others and/or has a lack of interest in romantic relationships/behavior. Aromanticism exists on a continuum from people who experience no romantic attraction or have any desire for romantic activities, to those who experience low levels, or romantic attraction only under specific conditions. Sometimes abbreviated to “aro” (pronounced like “arrow”).

asexual – ( adj. ) : experiencing little or no sexual attraction to others and/or a lack of interest in sexual relationships/behavior. Asexuality exists on a continuum from people who experience no sexual attraction or have any desire for sex, to those who experience low levels, or sexual attraction only under specific conditions. Sometimes abbreviated to “ace.”. For more information, click here.

bigender – ( adj ) a person who fluctuates between traditionally “woman” and “man” gender-based behavior and identities, identifying with both genders (or sometimes identifying with either man or woman, as well as a third, different gender).

binder – ( noun ) an undergarment used to alter or reduce the appearance of one’s breasts. Binding is often used to change the way other’s read/perceive one’s anatomical sex characteristics, and/or as a form of gender expression.

biological sex – ( noun ) a medical term used to refer to the chromosomal, hormonal and anatomical characteristics that are used to classify an individual as female, male, or intersex. Often referred to as simply “sex,” “physical sex,” “anatomical sex,” or specifically as “sex assigned at birth.”

biphobia – ( noun ) a range of negative attitudes (e.g., fear, anger, intolerance, invisibility, resentment, erasure, or discomfort) that one may have or express toward bisexual individuals. Biphobia can come from and be seen within the LGBTQ community as well as straight society.

bisexual – 1 ( adj. ) a person who experiences attraction to men and women. 2 ( adj. ) a person who experiences attraction to people of their gender and another gender. Bisexual attraction does not have to be equally split, or indicate a level of interest that is the same across the genders an individual may be attracted to. For more information, click here.

chosen name – ( noun ) a name that an individual chooses to be called that is different than their legal name. The term “chosen name” is usually favored over “preferred name” since preferred name may imply the name is just a preference, rather than a matter of identity.

cisgender – ( adj. ) a gender description for when someone’s sex assigned at birth and gender identity correspond (e.g., someone who was assigned male at birth, and identifies as a man). The word cisgender can also be shortened to “cis.”

cisnormativity – ( noun ) the assumption, in individuals and in institutions, that everyone is cisgender, and that cisgender identities are superior to transgender identities and people. Leads to invisibility of transgender or gender non-confomring identities.

closeted – ( adj. ) an individual who is not open to themselves or others about their (queer) sexuality or gender identity.

coming in – ( verb ) the process by which one accepts and/or comes to identify one’s own sexuality or gender identity (to “come in” to oneself).

coming out – ( verb ) the process by which one shares one’s sexuality or gender identity with others.

constellation – ( noun ) a way to describe the arrangement or structure of a polyamorous relationship.

dead name – ( noun ) the name given at birth/legal name of someone who has since changed their name or goes by a different name.

demiromantic – ( adj. ) little or no capacity to experience romantic attraction until a strong connection is formed with someone, often within a sexual relationship.

demisexual – ( adj. ) little or no capacity to experience sexual attraction until a strong connection is formed with someone, often within a romantic relationship.

drag king – ( noun ) someone who performs (hyper-) masculinity theatrically.

drag queen – ( noun ) someone who performs (hyper-) femininity theatrically.

emotional attraction – ( noun ) a capacity that evokes want to engage in emotionally intimate behavior (e.g., sharing, confiding, trusting, inter-depending), experienced in varying degrees (from little-to-none to intense). Often conflated with sexual attraction, romantic attraction, and/or spiritual attraction.

fluid(ity) – ( adj. ) generally with another term attached, like gender-fluid or fluid-sexuality, fluid(ity) describes an identity that may change or shift over time between or within the mix of the options available.

folx – ( noun ) a gender neutral term used to address a group

gay – 1 ( adj. ) experiencing attraction solely (or primarily) to some members of the same gender. Can be used to refer to men who are attracted to other men and women who are attracted to women. 2 ( adj. ) an umbrella term used to refer to the queer community as a whole, or as an individual identity label for anyone who is not straight.

gender binary – ( noun ) the idea that there are only two genders, man and woman.

gender confirmation surgery (GCS) – ( noun ) used by some medical professionals to refer to a group of surgical options that alter a person’s biological sex. “Gender confirmation surgery” is considered by many to be a more affirming term than gender reassignment surgery.

gender expression – ( noun ) the external display of one’s gender, through a combination of clothing, grooming, demeanor, social behavior, and other factors, generally made sense of on scales of masculinity, femininity, or another gender. Also referred to as “gender presentation.”

gender fluid – ( adj. ) a gender identity best described as a dynamic mix of multiple genders. A person who is gender fluid may feel like a mix of man or woman or another gender, but may feel more one gender on certain days.

gender identity – ( noun ) the internal perception of one’s gender, and how they label themselves, based on how much they align or don’t align with what they understand their options for gender to be.

gender non-conforming – 1 ( adj. ) a gender expression descriptor that indicates a non-traditional gender presentation (masculine woman or feminine man). 2 ( adj. ) a gender identity label that indicates a person who identifies outside of the gender binary. Often abbreviated as “GNC.”

gender normative – ( adj. ) someone whose gender presentation or gender identity aligns with society’s gender-based expectations.

genderqueer – 1 ( adj. ) a gender identity label often used by people who do not identify with the binary of man/woman. 2 ( adj. ) an umbrella term for many gender non-conforming or non-binary identities (e.g., agender, bigender, genderfluid).

gender variant – ( adj. ) someone who does not conform to gender-based expectations of society.

heteronormativity – ( noun ) the assumption, in individuals and/or in institutions, that everyone is heterosexual and that heterosexuality is superior to all other sexualities. Leads to invisibility and stigmatizing of other sexualities. Heteronormativity also leads us to assume that only masculine men and feminine women are straight.

heterosexual – ( adj. ) experiencing attraction solely (or primarily) to people of a different gender.

homophobia – ( noun ) an umbrella term for a range of negative attitudes (e.g., fear, anger, intolerance, resentment, erasure, or discomfort) that one may have toward LGBTQ people. The term can also connote a fear, disgust, or dislike of being perceived as LGBTQ.

homosexual – ( adj. ) a person primarily attracted to members of the same sex/gender. This historically medical term is considered stigmatizing (particularly as a noun) due to its history as a category of mental illness, and is discouraged for common use.

intersectionality – ( noun ) a term coined by Kimberle Crenshaw referring to the ways that systems of oppression are connected and overlapping

intersex – ( adj. ) term for a combination of chromosomes, gonads, hormones, internal sex organs, and genitals that differs from the patterns of male or female. Formerly known as hermaphrodite (or hermaphroditic), but these terms are now outdated and derogatory.

lesbian – ( adj. ) women who are primarily attracted to other women.

MSM / WSW – ( abbr. ) men who have sex with men or women who have sex with women, to distinguish sexual behaviors from sexual identities: because a man is straight, it doesn’t mean he’s not having sex with men. Often used in the field of HIV/Aids education, prevention, and treatment.

Mx. – ( noun ) an honorific (e.g. Mr., Ms., Mrs., etc.) that is gender neutral. It is often the option of choice for folks who do not identify within the gender binary

outing – ( verb ) involuntary or unwanted disclosure of another person’s sexual orientation, gender identity, or intersex status.

pansexual – ( adj. ) a person who experiences attraction for members of all gender identities/expressions. Often shortened to “pan.”

passing – 1 ( adj. & verb ) transgender individuals being accepted as, or able to “pass for,” a member of their self-identified gender identity (regardless of sex assigned at birth) without being identified as transgender. 2 ( adj. ) an LGB/queer individual who is believed to be or perceived as straight.

preferred pronouns – ( noun ) often used during introductions, becoming more common as a standard practice. Many suggest removing the “preferred,” because it indicates flexibility and/or the power for the speaker to decide which pronouns to use for someone else.

polyamorous – ( noun ) refers to the practice of, desire for, or orientation toward having ethical, honest, and consensual non-monogamous relationships (i.e. relationships that may include multiple partners). Often shortened to “poly.”

queer – 1 ( adj. ) an umbrella term to describe individuals who don’t identify as straight and/or cisgender. 2 ( noun ) a slur used to refer to someone who isn’t straight and/or cisgender. Due to its historical use as a derogatory term, and how it is still used as a slur many communities, it is not embraced or used by all members of the LGBTQ community. The term “queer” can often be use interchangeably with LGBTQ (e.g., “queer people” instead of “LGBTQ people”).

questioning – ( adj. ) an individual who or a time when someone is unsure about or exploring their own sexual orientation or gender identity.

QPOC / QTPOC – initialisms that stand for queer people of color and queer and/or trans people of color.

romantic attraction – ( noun ) a capacity that evokes want to engage in romantic intimate behavior (e.g., dating, relationships, marriage), experienced in varying degrees (from little-to-none, to intense). Often conflated with sexual attraction, emotional attraction, and/or spiritual attraction.

sex assigned at birth (SAAB) – ( abbr. ) a phrase used to intentionally recognize a person’s assigned sex (not gender identity). Sometimes called “designated sex at birth” (DSAB) or “sex coercively assigned at birth” (SCAB), or specifically used as “assigned male at birth” (AMAB) or “assigned female at birth” (AFAB)

sexual attraction – ( noun ) a capacity that evokes want to engage in physically intimate behavior (e.g., kissing, touching, intercourse), experienced in varying degrees (from little-to-none, to intense). Often conflated with romantic attraction, emotional attraction, and/or spiritual attraction.

sexual orientation – ( noun ) the type of sexual, romantic, emotional/spiritual attraction one has the capacity to feel for some others, generally labeled based on the gender relationship between the person and the people they are attracted to.

skoliosexual – ( adj. ) being primarily attracted to some genderqueer, transgender, and/or non-binary people.

spiritual attraction – ( noun ) a capacity that evokes the want to engage in intimate behavior based on one’s experience with, interpretation of, or belief in the supernatural (e.g., religious teachings, messages from a deity), experienced in varying degrees (from little-to-none, to intense). Often conflated with sexual attraction, romantic attraction, and/or emotional attraction.

stealth – ( adj. ) a transgender person who is not “out” as transgender, and is perceived/known by others as cisgender.

straight – ( adj. ) a person primarily attracted to people who are not their same sex/gender.

third gender – ( noun ) a gender category that is used by societies that recognise three or more genders. A conceptual term meaning different things to different people who use it, as a way to move beyond the gender binary.

top surgery – ( noun ) this term refers to surgery for the construction of a male-type chest or breast augmentation for a female-type chest.

transgender – ( adj. ) an umbrella term for anyone whose sex assigned at birth and gender identity do not correspond (e.g., someone who was assigned male at birth, but does not identify as a man).

transitioning – ( verb ) the process of a transgender person changing aspects of themself (e.g., their appearance, name, pronouns, or making physical changes to their body) to be more congruent with their gender identity

transphobia – ( noun ) the fear of, discrimination against, or hatred of people who are transgender, the transgender community, or gender ambiguity. Transphobia can be seen within the queer community, as well as in general society.;

two-spirit – ( noun ) a term within Native American communities to recognize individuals who possess qualities or fulfill roles of both genders. This term is often conflated with sexuality, but was historically about gender identity.

ze / zir – ( pronoun ) pronouns that are gender neutral and preferred by some transgender people. They replace “he” and “she” and “his” and “hers” respectively.

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When Should You Have The Sex Talk With Your Kids?

By Emily Laurence

For many caregivers, the idea of talking about sex with their kids may be uncomfortable. But talking about sex with your kids (which is about more than discussing actual intercourse), is important in order for children to develop healthy sexual attitudes and safe sexual behaviors as they get older.

But when exactly should you talk to your kids about sex? What age is best? As you’ll soon see, therapists advise that the conversation evolves over time, with kids learning age-appropriate facts about sex.

If you’re curious as to what that looks like and how to navigate topics related to sex with children of any age, we have expert advice for you. We will address everything from anatomy and the answer to where babies come from to consent and what to do if a teen says that they are ready to have sex.

What Is the Sex Talk With Kids—and Why Is It Important?

If you never talked about sex with your own parents, you may be wondering why it’s important to do so with your own kids; certainly they’ll learn what they need to from their friends or the internet, right? Clinical psychologist Inna Khazan, Ph.D. says this is exactly what you don’t want to happen.

“Yes, kids will hear about sex from their friends and pick stuff up from TV, but there’s so much misinformation out there,” she says. “With small children, this can sometimes be silly. But with older children, misinformation about sex can be tragic and problematic. Having the right information is incredibly important for physical and mental health.”

Talking about sex with your kids is about more than explaining actual intercourse, according to Dr. Khazan. It also includes what to call the reproductive organs, knowing what type of touch is and isn’t okay, birth control, protection against sexually transmitted infections, pornography, masturbation and the potential emotional ramifications of having sex.

Since sex encompasses so much, the conversation works best if it happens incrementally, over time. But that doesn’t mean it won’t be awkward. “This is an uncomfortable topic for both parents and kids,” says psychiatrist Muhammad Zeshan, M.D., an assistant professor of psychiatry at Rutgers New Jersey Medical School in Newark. But he says that when parents do have these conversations with their kids, it establishes trust. “A child may be more likely to share if parents have had a conversation beforehand with them,” he says. And those conversations can start as young as the toddler years.

How Do I Talk to My Kids About Sex?

When Your Child Is a Toddler

During the toddler years is when a child learns the names of different body parts—including the reproductive organs. Instead of using phrases like “pee pee” or “down there,” both experts say that kids should be taught the proper names of the reproductive organs: penis and vulva.

“One reason to teach the proper names is if they have pain there, they need to be able to describe it and knowing the proper names helps,” says Dr. Zeshan. It also takes away a stigma of shame often associated with the reproductive organs, says Dr. Khazan. According to the non-profit Race Against Abuse of Children Everywhere (RAACE), if a child feels shameful about their anatomy, they may be hesitant to open up with their parents if they have a question or concern about it.

Toddlers may be exploring their bodies, including their genitals. If they express that touching their genitals feels good, Dr. Khazan says to relay the message that it’s okay to be curious, but it should be done in private.

When Your Child Is Ages Three to Five

Some preschool-age kids love to run around naked, which is a great opportunity to address nudity. “For little kids [younger than seven], I would communicate that it’s okay to be naked at home, but not in public. Then, when they get a little older, you can tell them that some parts of the body are meant to be private, just for you,” says Dr. Khazan. This, she says, relays information about what is and isn’t appropriate without using shameful language.

If a child continuously enjoys being in the nude, Dr. Zeshan says to ask them what they like about it, getting to the function behind the behavior. For example, is it because being naked makes them feel happy and excited? Free? Calm? Knowing the reason for the behavior makes it easier to address, he explains.

Both experts say that kindergarten to lower elementary school is a good age to teach children the difference between appropriate touch and inappropriate touch, communicating that the reproductive organs (and upper chest for girls) is not for others to touch except for a doctor, if given permission.

When Your Child Is Age Six to Eight

This tends to be the age when kids ask where babies come from. Both experts say you should tell the truth, using simple language. “You might say that two people’s bodies come together and meet each other,” says Dr. Khazan. “You can get into the sperm and egg when they get a little older and are able to understand more, but this can be too complicated for a young child.”

“So many parents get uncomfortable with this question, but just remember that the more you stay calm and address it without judgment, the better you’ll be able to answer it,” adds Dr. Zeshan. Like Dr. Khazan, he advises using simple language. “You can say that there’s a place close to mommy’s tummy where the baby grows,” he says, adding that you should encourage the child to ask questions, if they have any. There will be a chance to address the specifics of how a baby is made during puberty.

When Your Child Is Age Eight to 12

Puberty starts earlier than many parents may realize, according to Dr. Khazan: For girls, it occurs between ages eight and 13, and boys start going through puberty between ages nine and 14. “It’s important to talk to the child about certain changes they’re likely to experience, because this helps establish a foundation of what’s normal,” says Dr. Khazan. “That way, the child knows that there’s nothing to feel shameful or embarrassed about.”

This kind of open conversation will also be helpful when changes happen during puberty—like a girl’s first menstrual cycle—so that the child isn’t surprised and the parent isn’t left scrambling to explain what’s happening in the moment. Again, both experts urge parents to encourage their child to ask questions if they have any, which helps create a more open relationship.

Puberty is also a time when Dr. Zeshan says parents can get more specific about sex, explaining exactly what it is. Part of this, he says, is building upon the “where do babies come from” conversation, explaining the role of the egg and sperm. But sex isn’t just about making babies, of course. “This is the age to educate a child about how sex is done, how it can lead to pregnancy as well as how to avoid pregnancy, and also the importance of consent,” advises Dr. Zeshan. Pre-teens may also have questions about masturbation, and Dr. Khazan says that parents can reiterate the same message they taught them as toddlers: Exploration is normal, but should be done in private.

Since these conversations can be uncomfortable, Dr. Zeshan’s advice is to let the child determine the timing. “When the child is relaxed, ask them if they would like to have the conversation. If they say no, ask when a good time would be and let them know that whenever they are comfortable, you are ready,” he says.

When Your Child Is Age 13 and Older

Fifty-five percent of teens have sex before age 18, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Dr. Khazan says that this is why even if you don’t think your child is sexually active, it’s still important to talk about sex with them during the teen years. This is when you should once again discuss consent, but this time addressing more specifically what it looks like, including when alcohol is involved, and what to do in a situation if they feel they are being pressured.

If a child comes to their parent and asks if they’re allowed to have sex or tells their parent that they are ready to have sex, Dr. Khazan says there is no one way to navigate this that will work for every parent. “This is a very personal decision for each family,” she says. While parents should feel encouraged to express any religious or personal values tied to sex, Dr. Khazan does say if a teenager is fearful of their parent finding out that they are having sex, they may be less likely to come to them if they need help.

“If a teen comes to their parent and says that they want to have sex, a parent can talk with them about the changes it may bring to their life and if they are ready for those changes,” says Dr. Zeshan. A parent can talk about the consequences sex can have—including sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy—without labeling sex as “bad,” he says, adding that if a child develops a negative association with sex, it can lead to issues with intimacy down the road.

Pornography is another topic to address during the teen years. “Approach it in a curious way, not a judgmental way, allowing the teen to ask any questions they have,” says Dr. Zeshan. Instead of shutting down a conversation about porn completely, Dr. Khazan says what’s more effective is telling teens that what happens in pornography does not necessarily reflect reality and that some of what is in porn is demeaning and dangerous.

Even with all this information, talking about sex with your kids may still be uncomfortable. Both experts say this is expected and it’s 100% okay. What’s important is that you’re doing it, which not only creates a more open relationship with your child, but can go a long way in terms of keeping them safe and helping them develop a healthy attitude toward sex. And you didn’t even have to mention anything about birds or bees.

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Animal sexuality may not be as binary as we’re led to believe, according to new book

NPR’s Sacha Pfeiffer talks with Eliot Schrefer, author of Queer Ducks (And Other Animals): The Natural World of Animal Sexuality. It’s about how “natural sex” may not be as binary as some think.

SACHA PFEIFFER, HOST:

At its worst, a nonfiction science book about animal sexuality could read like a dry biology textbook. But that’s not the kind of book Eliot Schrefer wrote. His book, called “Queer Ducks (And Other Animals): The Natural World Of Animal Sexuality,” is designed to be teenager-friendly, for one thing. It’s a young adult book filled with comics and humor and accessible science, and it’s filled with research on the diversity of sexual behavior in the animal world. Eliot Schrefer is with us to explain more. Welcome, Eliot.

ELIOT SCHREFER: Hi. I’m really happy to be here.

PFEIFFER: We’re glad to have you. I really liked the way you structured your book. It’s basically an animal per chapter, in a way. But you also have these wonderful illustrations. You have interviews with scientists. Tell us a little bit about how you decided to make it accessible because, again, you’re aiming for adolescents, as I understand it, in a nonfiction way, and they might be inclined to think nonfiction equals boring, dry textbook.

SCHREFER: Right. I sort of imagine, like, we’re kind of sitting in the science classroom, passing notes back and forth, and it even comes down to the doodles. There’s an artist, Jules Zuckerberg, who did a one-page comic for each of the animal species that we discuss. So it’s – the premise is that it’s an animal GSA.

PFEIFFER: A gender sexuality alliance meeting.

SCHREFER: That’s right. And so they’re each taking a turn introducing themselves. And so the bonobo takes a turn introducing how her family works, and then the doodlebug and the dolphin and so on.

PFEIFFER: Yeah, they’re really great. They make the book really accessible. As we said, every chapter basically tackles an animal and something about the sexuality of that animal. Do you have a favorite or one of your favorites that you could tell us about?

SCHREFER: Sure. Well, the hard part starting to write this book was figuring out which animals to focus on. The bonobos are famously promiscuous, and the majority of their sexual activity is between females. So I knew they had to be in there, is an early chapter.

PFEIFFER: What’s funny – well, what’s interesting about these animals are they – as you said, they’re very promiscuous. I mean, there’s almost this orgy-like way about how they behave sometimes.

SCHREFER: Yes, and what was so interesting in the early studies about bonobos – they’re really fairly new to science. We used to call them pygmy chimpanzees and just thought they were small chimps and that was it. And it wasn’t until the ’90s and the 2000s that we started really studying them. And sex, in particular same-sex sexual activity in bonobos, is a way to avoid conflict and to smooth over feelings after a conflict.

There was a really fascinating study where they gave honey, which is a really desirable food source, to a group of bonobos and to a group of chimpanzees and saw how they reacted differently. And chimpanzees, the strongest males grabbed the food source and handed it out to their allies. And then in the bonobos, they all circled the honey, and none of them touched it. And they all got very, very anxious about how this food was going to be split up. And then rather than starting eating, they started an orgy. They just all started having sex. And this is between males and males, males and females and females and females. And then once they were blissed out and calm, that’s when they started to eat this food. And chimps and bonobos are tied as our closest relative, so it’s a great metaphor for the two ways that we can also look at human nature.

PFEIFFER: There’s also a chapter that I found interesting about bulls. And a lot of bulls are used for breeding. They’re used to inseminate females. And sometimes, the bulls have to kind of get in the mood. The handlers help them get in the mood. And what’s interesting is they often bring in other males to do that, and it’s effective. And I thought that was very interesting. Tell us why you chose that example.

SCHREFER: Bovids are – have one of the largest percentages of same-sex sexual behavior within their populations. And it’s long been the ace card in the hand of cattle breeders to bring out a steer to get a bull excited in order to perform sexually. And in fact, there was one of the foremost sheep researchers, Valerius Geist, who studied bighorn sheep in the 1960s – he was in the wild observing these bighorns and saw that they basically live in entirely homosexual society until the age of 6 or 7. The males are off by themselves having frequent intercourse. And he didn’t publish on it. He wrote about this in his memoir years later because he couldn’t tolerate the idea that these – what he – quote, “magnificent beasts were queers.” And so he resisted publishing on that.

PFEIFFER: We mention that the book includes interviews you’ve done with scientists, these little question and answer exchanges. I really like those. They not only added to the science of the book, but it was interesting that these types of professionals exist. Could you tell us about one that you think is most noteworthy?

SCHREFER: Sure. I wanted to expand kids’ impression of who gets to do science, with gets in quotes there – that it’s not just old guys in white coats, right? There’s an upswell of young scientists who are doing some wonderful work around queer behavior and queer identities in animals.

So one person I spoke to was an ecologist who has transitioned genders, has – is still actively figuring out their place within the broader world and looked forward so much to the days when they could be just with their binoculars in the fields, mud up to their ankles, just staring at moose because at that moment, all these – the complicated navigation of all these identities just dropped away, and they were just part of nature. Like, they didn’t have to explain themselves to the animals, and the animals had no concept of judging or shaming anyone for the choices that they were making around their gender identity. And I found that so moving that there is some – there’s a peace to be found and a simplicity and an acceptance, a radical acceptance within nature.

PFEIFFER: Eliot, you’ve written in your book that you are well aware – these are your words – well aware that this book is bound to be controversial. But on the other hand, you also seem to be trying to assure young people out there that this is not controversial at all. It’s actually quite common in the animal world. Is that part of the message you’re trying to send?

SCHREFER: Yeah. I think there’s – you know, some people will say, well, there’s all sorts of things that animals do that humans oughtn’t to be doing – right? – that we shouldn’t cannibalize our partners after we have sex with them, that we shouldn’t be living on webs out in the wild, and that we can’t just cherry-pick which animal examples we choose to use. But that’s really getting the argument of the book backwards. I’m not trying to argue for human behaviors from certain – the ways that animals can behave. Instead, I’m trying to say that we can no longer argue that humans are alone in their queerness or in their LGBTQ identities – that instead, we are part of a millions of year tradition within the animal world of a varieties of approaches to sex and a ton of advantages that come around from it.

PFEIFFER: Eliot, you’ve written and you’ve said that you wished you had known this when you were younger. If you had known it, how do you think it would have changed how you felt about yourself?

SCHREFER: I think there’s a loneliness to human queerness, that there is this idea that it is something that happened recently to this species and that we are alone in it, and that queer people can find each other and find community with each other, and that that is the goal that they can – they should hope for when we are heavily integrated into the natural world. And that is the part of the message that I think is lost, and that LGBTQ behaviors and identities are absolutely natural.

PFEIFFER: That’s Eliot Schrefer. His new book is “Queer Ducks (And Other Animals).” Eliot, thank you.

SCHREFER: Thank you so much for having me.

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‘200 Words to Help You Talk About Sexuality & Gender’

By Rory Bristol

Do you ever feel lost when it comes to the countless phrases coming out of LGBTQ+ spaces? Are you straight and trying to be a better ally, or are you LGBTQ+ yourself but don’t know how to describe yourself to others? There is good news, Kate Sloan’s new book 200 Words to Help You Talk About Sexuality & Gender is a resource that dives deeply into modern language and highlights the various interpretations of each word or phrase, along with the ways each word might be hurtful or misrepresentative when used in the wrong context.

For starters, Sloan tackles a huge range of topics from the basic concepts of gender and sex, along with the more niche ideas of stigma, biology, Kink & BDSM terminology, and words that just help with the use of the English language, such as pronouns, culture, and gender identities/roles. Each entry looks at the origin of the word (when it’s relevant), who might use that word, who might be upset if you use that word incorrectly, and much more.

For LGBTQ+ Folks

As a queer+trans person, I was struck by many entries in this book that helped me understand words I was using poorly. Some things were easier for me to learn over the years, like how “Gold Star Gay” can feel invalidating to bisexual people, people who have been victims of sexual assault, and people who came out later in life after having sexual relationships with someone of another gender. Other things, like the term “boi” originating in Black culture and being a facet of that culture were news to me, but explain why Black and Hispanic friends of mine would respond poorly when I used that word. There are so many ways our dearly beloved queer language has grown over the last few decades that it’s impossible for everyone to know the history of every word. But, thanks to resources like 200 Words, we can hope to better understand the context from which these phrases came.

Ultimately, this isn’t an attempt to “police” terms or phrases, merely an opportunity to learn the context of words we might have picked up while frequenting discreet websites in the ’90s, or even on Tumblr, Reddit, or Google more recently.

For Allies

If you are (or want to be) an ally for LGBTQ+ people in your life (or even the world at large), I vigorously encourage you to get your hands on a copy of this book. Partly, this is because there are just so many darn words to learn. Even more important, though, is that the English language cannot help us improve equity if we do not help it grow through its use. By discussing issues using proper language, we empower ourselves and those we discuss things with to lift LGBTQ+ people and voices to a better place in society.

One note, though: Many times, this book may caution you to consider whether to use a word for another person. For example, a nonbinary person might dislike the term “enby” and not identify with it. If you refer to them as an enby, they may think you are belittling their experience, even if you are trying to be supportive. So, to be safe, always ask someone what words they use to describe themselves and never, ever, ever correct someone’s use of those words. If you think someone is using a word in a harmful way, share your copy of the book with them so they can see another side to that word or phrase in that context. You should never, however, tell them they are using it wrong or try to get them to use a different word for themselves. That’s on them.

For Sex Ed

Sex education is a topic we feel strongly about at GeekDad. You can see our Top 10 Sex Ed Books post for reference (now updated to include this resource!), and we have covered various graphic novels and other media from an LGBTQ+ perspective over the years. The unfortunate truth is there is no such thing as a single resource to learn everything about the human body or our sexual, romantic, or gender identities. This book is an excellent starting point, but it doesn’t really cover the details of physical and emotional health that are vital to sexual education, so we encourage you to check our Top 10 post for more resources if you are looking for more holistic educational resources.

TL;DR

200 Words to Help You Talk About Sexuality & Gender is a fantastic reference for those wanting to learn more about how to discuss LGBTQ+ topics, regardless of your own level of experience or involvement with the LGBTQ+ community. You will find information on what each word means, who might use it, and how it might be inappropriate if used in the wrong context. It makes an excellent gift or an excellent accompaniment to sex education materials whether or not you’re a member of the LGBTQ+ community.

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Sex Ed Is the Opposite of Grooming

Some pundits say that talking with little kids about sex and gender primes them to be taken advantage of. Sex-ed researchers say that the opposite is true.

By Olga Khazan

If you ask some (okay, many) conservative pundits, Democrats are “grooming” children. As in, grooming them to be abused by pedophiles. Some Republicans have even accused Democrats of being pedophiles themselves.

The grooming charges lump together concerns that kids are being introduced too early to sexually explicit material, to the existence of transgender people, and to non-heterosexual sexual orientations. In March, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis signed what critics have dubbed the “Don’t Say Gay” bill, a measure that discourages teachers from discussing gender identity or sexual orientation in classrooms. Versions of the measure have been proposed in at least a dozen other states. Referring to the bill, DeSantis’s spokesperson Christina Pushaw tweeted, “If you’re against the Anti-Grooming Bill, you are probably a groomer or at least you don’t denounce the grooming of 4-8 year old children.” A pastor even organized an “anti-grooming” rally at Disney’s headquarters in California.

This type of rhetoric is damaging in its own right. As the commentator David French writes in his newsletter, “Throwing around accusations of pedophilia, sympathy for pedophilia, grooming, or sympathy for grooming is a recipe for threats and violence”—an assessment that some historians endorse. This latest pedophilia panic overlaps with the false beliefs of the QAnon movement, which fueled the Pizzagate incident in 2016.

But bills such as Florida’s are also likely to have a chilling effect on comprehensive sexual education in schools, with deleterious effects. Comprehensive sex ed doesn’t just help prevent bullying; it helps kids have healthier relationships of all kinds, improves their communication skills, and even boosts their media literacy. Compared with abstinence-only sex education or no sex education at all, comprehensive sex ed helps reduce teen pregnancy rates. One meta-analysis found that European countries, many of which offer comprehensive, mandatory sex ed, including for young children, tend to have the lowest rates of child sexual abuse in the world. Sex education is “the exact opposite” of grooming, says Nora Gelperin, the director of sexuality education at Advocates for Youth, a sex-ed nonprofit. “Sex education, even when started in the earliest grades, has shown to be protective for kids, especially around child sexual abuse.”

A 2020 study that examined three decades of research on sex education found that comprehensive sex ed that begins in elementary school can help prevent child sex abuse, among other benefits. “Stranger danger”–type language isn’t recommended these days; about 93 percent of child sexual-abuse victims know their abusers. Instead, these programs help children identify the difference between appropriate and inappropriate touching, the difference between “tattling” and keeping unsafe secrets, and how to identify abusive situations. In other words, sex ed isn’t grooming—it helps protect kids from grooming.

Modern sex ed also seems to give kids a sense of empowerment, including by teaching them the correct names for their own genitals. “Predators are less likely to select a child who can accurately talk about those body parts,” Gelperin says, “than a child that is ignorant of what those body parts are actually called.” It also makes kids less likely to victimize one another: One program for eighth graders, called Safe Dates, was associated with lower rates of physical and sexual dating violence four years later, compared with a control group.

Experts recommend starting sex education as early as kindergarten and teaching it the way you would math. Five-year-olds don’t tend to learn geometry, but they do learn about numbers and shapes. Similarly, experts say kindergartners don’t need to be told about, for example, orgasms, but they are encouraged to understand what their body parts are and how to protect themselves from unwanted touching.

One of the best-regarded American sex-ed curricula is “Rights, Respect, and Responsibility,” or the “3Rs,” developed by Advocates for Youth and available for free online. For kindergartners and first graders, the lessons focus on preventing bullying, setting boundaries about touching, and learning what types of things make babies (elephants, but not pizza). The most explicit section covers the proper names of genitalia, including an explanation that most girls have a “hole” called “the vagina that is used when a female has a baby.” The use of correct anatomical terms is meant to ensure that kids are understood if they ever report abuse. But also, “this is your body and you have a right to know what the different parts are called,” the curriculum explains.

The first-grade lesson plans also include a section about gender identity, in which teachers are encouraged to say something like “You might feel like you’re a boy even if you have body parts that some people might tell you are ‘girl’ parts. You might feel like you’re a girl even if you have body parts that some people might tell you are ‘boy’ parts. And you might not feel like you’re a boy or a girl, but you’re a little bit of both. No matter how you feel, you’re perfectly normal!”

Though this message does not exactly comport with a socially conservative worldview, it hardly amounts to “grooming” children to be molested by pedophiles. The argument for providing information on sexual orientation and gender identity in elementary school is that children are likely to encounter these concepts in the wild. Between 2 million and 4 million American children are being raised by a non-straight parent. Some children might either be transgender themselves or have a parent who is. Advocates of this type of curriculum say these concepts can be explained more accurately in school, and help make kids who are not straight or cisgender feel welcomed.

But just because the “3Rs” curriculum is recommended doesn’t mean it gets taught. Far from it: Sex ed, like all lesson plans, varies dramatically by school district, and usually reflects the values of the surrounding community. For example, Texas, which has more children than almost any other state, does not require high schools to teach sex ed. As of 2017, most Texas schools districts took an abstinence-only approach to sex ed, and though the state has recently introduced some discussion of contraceptives in middle school, abstinence must be emphasized. Instruction on gender identity and sexual orientation is not currently offered in Florida from kindergarten to third grade, the ages targeted by the “Don’t Say Gay” bill.

Most European countries do provide comprehensive sex ed in every school, however. Experts link Europeans’ superior sexual-health outcomes—lower teen pregnancy rates, lower rates of sexual abuse, and lower STD rates among young people—to better, earlier sex ed. In Western Europe, sex ed tends to be mandatory and blunt, and start before kindergarten; it’s like the “3Rs,” but more graphic.

In the Netherlands, sex ed begins before many kids can read. “From age 5, children are taught about reproduction, about pregnancy and birth of a baby,” says Elsbeth Reitzema, the sexuality-education program officer at Rutgers, a Dutch nonprofit that helps run the country’s sex-ed programs. “They also learn the main physical differences between boys and girls, about the genitals and their functions. By the end of primary school, children have learned about reproduction, pregnancy, and birth. They know that a woman, if she is fertile, can become pregnant through sex in the manner of penis-in-vagina sex.” They also learn about being intersex, transgender, and nonbinary. When they’re 11, kids learn about masturbation.

One popular Dutch sex-ed curriculum explains to fourth graders that “the clitoris is a very sensitive place. Touching it can give a nice feeling,” according to Beyond Birds and Bees, a 2018 book in part about the Dutch approach to sex ed by Bonnie Rough, who has written on the same topic for The Atlantic. “It is not customary for parents to take their children out of the lesson,” Reitzema told me. “Should parents object to the lessons, then the school will explain what the content of the lessons is. This usually removes the parents’ resistance to the lessons.”

In Sweden’s mandatory sex-ed program, 7-to-9-year-olds learn “about all body parts, and discuss gender,” Hans Olsson, the country’s senior adviser on sexuality education, told me. “School has a duty to counteract limiting gender patterns, already at [the] preschool level.” Also in preschool, kids learn about bodily integrity and name their sexual organs. Rather than the proper terminology, though, Swedish kids use snopp, which is like “willy,” and snippa. (“Don’t know the equivalent word in English,” Olsson said.) Starting in fourth grade, Swedish kids learn about LGBTQ issues.

Sara Zaske, the author of the German comparative-parenting book Achtung Baby, told me that her 7-year-old daughter’s class in Berlin read the children’s book Mummy Laid an Egg without asking parents’ permission first. The picture book, which was originally published in English, features cartoon drawings of “Daddy’s tube” and “Mummy’s hole,” along with the ways “mummies and daddies fit together.” Unlike in the United States, Zaske writes in her book, “German kids learn much more about sex than conception.” German schools cover STD prevention, yes, but also masturbation, orgasms, and homosexuality. Zaske quotes one doctor in an article on the city of Berlin’s official website as saying, “Sex education cannot begin early enough.”

Rough and others don’t see these types of lessons as “giving children ideas” about sex and sexuality. After all, adults openly do things—drink alcohol, use the stove, drive—that kids can’t. Kids understand when an activity is for adults only. She and other advocates reject the notion that telling kids about different sexual orientations or gender identities “turns” kids gay or gender-nonconforming. “Teaching about the topics is not creating new LGBTQ students,” says Elizabeth Schroeder, a sexuality educator and co-author of the “3Rs” curriculum.

But most important, early sex ed opens up lines of communication between kids and responsible adults. “If we start giving off the impression that sex is a topic that when you ask me a question … that I’m going to start acting weird and funny and dishonest about it, they quickly pick up that this is something off-limits,” says Emily Rothman, a health-sciences professor at Boston University. “So they’re either gonna think, Well, I can go to my friends or I can go to the internet.” By which she means: to porn.

The larger point of this kind of instruction is what the Dutch call “sexual assertiveness”: “If somebody is saying or doing something that makes your body feel uncomfortable, you’ve been taught how to notice that and what to do next,” Rough told me. One aim of communicating freely about sex with a teacher or another trusted adult is the “development of a trusting, trustworthy relationship with a grown-up who has the child’s best interests at heart.”

Meanwhile, only a quarter of U.S. public schools report that students practice communication, decision making, goal setting, or refusal skills as part of sex ed, Rough writes in her book. Instead, some American children learn about sex through porn, through experimentation, or, tragically, from an abuser. Because so much of American sex education treats sexual activity as dangerous or shameful, kids who are victimized by adults may feel that they have to keep it secret. European children who learn about their body, and are warned about inappropriate touching, can better protect themselves. There, Rough writes, “those who prey on children can no longer benefit from their ignorance.”

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If You’re Only Having One Sex Talk, You’re Doing It Wrong

Talking about sex is going to be awkward, but it doesn’t have to be weird.

By

If having the sex talk with your kid feels overwhelming, chances are that the idea of having multiple sex talks will induce a full-on panic. But one of the biggest mistakes parents can make when it comes to talking to kids about sex is thinking that after one conversation, they’re prepared to face the world. Kids are constantly becoming more aware of sex and sexuality, so the type of guidance they need will change accordingly. And because parents have been down that road already, they have a lot of wisdom to offer their kids from their own experiences.

But how can parents take what they’ve learned, enjoyed, and regretted about sex and share that wisdom in a way that their kids will eventually find helpful — without it being totally awkward? “I think there are three kinds of parents. There are the parents who totally have ostrich syndrome, which means they bury their heads in the sand. Then there are the oversharing parents, the parents who think that their kids are their best friends,” says Lea Lis, M.D., a psychiatrist and author of No Shame: Real Talk With Your Kids About Sex, Self-Confidence, and Healthy Relationships. Don’t be either of those parents.

“Then there’s the best kind of parent which is the authoritative parent, who is able to be open and honest and explain things clearly, and is also not afraid to set appropriate boundaries.” That’s the sweet spot you want to hit. Here’s how to do it.

Think About Your Own Sex Life

Before parents share sexual wisdom with their kids, they must first process their sexual history. That can be a scary prospect for many people who have regretted some of their sexual decisions in the past. But past experiences — even past experiences we try to ignore — can inform how parents approach talking about sex with their kids. 

“It doesn’t matter if you’ve made mistakes,” Lis says. “It’s about how you manage your mistakes and how you deal with them. Because it’s great for your kids to see you make mistakes and then learn to overcome them.” Did you have sex before you were ready and regret it? Have unprotected sex and pick up an STI? Teenagers can learn from your regrets, but only if you share them.

Although parents need to process their sexual stories, it’s not necessary to recount that story in its entirety to their kids. There will be details they aren’t mature enough to take in or that would violate the confidence of your past sexual partners.

In fact, sometimes parents can leave out sex altogether and still get the message across to young kids. Lis gives the example of a parent whose children know about a divorce or previous extramarital affair. “You have to learn how to speak to the pearls of what you learned from past experiences,” she says. “For example, you might say, ‘monogamy is hard because marriage is hard at times.’ But you can also share that if the focus in relationships is on integrity, honesty, and owning your mistakes, then it’s still possible to have a happy and intimate relationship even if things don’t go well.”

Pass Down Wisdom Instead of Trauma

Negative sexual experiences aren’t always the result of bad decision-making. The anti-sexual violence organization RAAIN estimates that an average of more than 450,000 people each year are victims of sexual violence. And people who have been victimized shouldn’t be made to feel as though they were at fault for someone else’s behavior. But it is essential to acknowledge that sexual violence can have long-term effects on victims, which may affect how they talk about sex with their kids.

Of course, sexual trauma isn’t limited to assault. People can be traumatized by the words and attitudes of loved ones who reject specific sexual orientations, who pass down unhealthy sexual paradigms, or who are still struggling with their own unresolved sexual trauma. 

Lis encourages parents to reflect on what they know about their family’s sexual history, as well as how they communicated about sexuality and sexual experiences. That process may raise awareness of generational sexual trauma passed down or that parents are at risk of passing to their own children. 

“Look at how your family expresses affection and sexuality,” she says. “What did they tell you about sex, and what do you wish they had told you? What are your early memories of awakening sexuality? What about your experience with puberty? Was it a positive sexual experience, and what wasn’t positive? Hopefully, this deepens self-understanding and helps you start to understand what you might want to reframe as you pass wisdom down to your kids.” 

For example, you may have been teased by family members as your body changed and developed, which was likely to make you feel self-conscious and as though family members weren’t safe people to talk to when it comes to sex. Reflecting on that experience may help you better understand any shame triggers you might have when you think about talking to your own kids about sex. Consider how you wish your family would have handled those situations so that you can facilitate more open lines of communication with your kids.

Have More Than One Sex Talk

There will be times when talking about sex as a family feels awkward, but it doesn’t have to be weird. Starting the conversation young with age-appropriate books sets the expectation that conversations about sex are welcome. Parents with kids in grade school will want to check out Sex Is a Funny Word by Corey Silverberg, and Heather Corrina’s S.E.X. is a book that is perfect for providing teenagers reliable answers so that they don’t have to make the Google gamble when questions arise that they don’t feel comfortable asking.

Lis also recommends parents use everyday occurrences as opportunities to listen to kids about what they’re thinking and processing to make conversations about sex more dialogue than lecture.

“When your kids start watching different kinds and movies that address issues surrounding sex and relationships, then talk about them. Start asking, ‘What did you think of that?’ You can even use social media by scrolling through accounts your kids are following and asking their opinions on what posts are saying about sexuality and relationships,” she says.

As kids grow older, those conversations will help them own their sexual history and experiences. They’ll still have to navigate messy breakups, hurt feelings, and overall confusion. But if they start building healthy sexual paradigms early, hopefully they will have a framework to ask the right questions of safe and knowledgeable people as they grow up — even if those people aren’t always their parents.

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A guide to the words we use in our gender coverage

By Anne Branigin

Over the last few years, the rights of transgender people — and those within the LGBTQ community more broadly — have increasingly become the subject of legal and political debate. School districts across the country have proposed book bans that strike the work of LGBTQ writers from reading lists. Florida has moved to forbid instruction on sexual orientation and gender identity in kindergarten through third grade. As of April 1, more than a dozen states in the last two years have passed bills that limit the ability of trans youths to participate in sports or access gender-affirming health care.

Depending on one’s life experiences, it can be challenging to navigate some of the terms of the debate. Informed by the guidance of a number of organizations, including GLAAD, the Trans Journalists Association, InterAct, the American Medical Association and the Association of LGBTQ Journalists, The Washington Post has compiled a glossary of the terms and concepts that show up in our coverage.

The glossary below is not comprehensive, and there is ongoing conversation about which language is most appropriate and accurate. This guide is intended to be a clear and accurate starting point to help readers better understand gender issues.

Some of these terms may seem new — due in large part to increased visibility of LGBTQ communities — but the existence of different gender identities and sexual orientations is not. As with all language, these terms are reflected by our time and culture. This list is specific to the United States; other cultures have different labels and understandings of gender.

“Language is always evolving,” Blazucki said. “We’re always coming up with new words and new ways to talk about things as our lives change, as society changes.”

1 The basics

Sex is usually assigned at birth and based on the appearance of external anatomy. Sex is typically categorized as male, female or intersex.

Intersex applies to people born with the reproductive or sexual anatomy and/or chromosomes that don’t fit into traditional conceptions of male or female bodies. As InterAct notes, there are a number of naturally occurring intersex variations, some that are identified at birth and others that may be discovered at puberty or later in life.

Intersex is not a gender identity. Intersex people are assigned a sex at birth, one that may or may not match their gender identity as they grow up. Intersex people may have any gender identity or sexual orientation.

Gender covers the behavioral, cultural or psychological traits associated with one’s sex, which can vary widely depending on the time period and place. It is widely held now among medical professionals and gender experts that the terms sex and gender are not interchangeable, though this has not always been the case.

Gender is frequently categorized as male, female or nonbinary.

Gender identity is your internal knowledge of your own gender. For many people, their gender identity will align with the sex they were assigned at birth, but this is not true for everyone — some people’s gender identity may line up with their assigned sex, and others may identify with neither or multiple genders (see cisgender, transgender and nonbinary).

What’s important to remember is that gender identity is not always outwardly visible to others, experts say.

Gender expression is how you present your gender outwardly, including through your behavior, mannerisms, clothing, name, pronouns and other characteristics.

Gender expression in the United States tends to fall on a spectrum from “masculine” to “feminine.”

While gender expression is very specific to the individual, it is heavily influenced by culture, peers and upbringing, said Gillian Branstetter, press secretary with the National Women’s Law Center.

“If you’re a cisgender man and you grow a beard, you’re communicating something about your gender to the world,” Branstetter said. “You’re doing the same thing with your name and pronouns, even if you don’t necessarily realize it.”

No matter what their gender identity is, most people express their gender in a way that aligns with their identity to better communicate to the world how they see themselves.

2 Gender identity

Cisgender describes someone whose gender identity lines up with the sex they were assigned at birth (this can also be shortened to “cis”). “Cis” comes from Latin, meaning “the same side as.”

Transgender describes someone whose gender identity is different from the sex they were assigned at birth (this can also be shortened to “trans”). For example, a transgender woman is someone who was listed as male at birth but whose gender identity is female.

“Trans” also comes from Latin, meaning “across” or “beyond.”

In its media guidance, GLAAD notes that being transgender is not dependent on physical appearance or medical procedures: “A person can call themself transgender the moment they realize that their gender identity is different than the sex they were assigned at birth.”

As Branstetter said: “Transgender people are not a monolith in how we express or navigate our identities.”

Nonbinary is a term used by people whose experience of gender identity and gender expression do not align neatly as either “man” or “woman,” the two categories Western countries have generally used to classify gender. Both cis and trans people can identify as nonbinary.

In the United States, nonbinary (or non-binary) is a newer term for a concept with a long history. People have also used the term “genderqueer” to describe nonbinary identity. And terms like “agender,” which describes a person who does not identify as any gender, and “pangender,” which describes someone whose identity may encompass all genders at once, may help further describe how someone is nonbinary.

Genderfluid refers to someone whose gender identity is not fixed, but may appear to others as flowing through different gender categories. Imara Jones, founder and chief executive of TransLash Media, describes it as a “weaving together” of different gender identities: “This is just how they experience gender.”

Gender nonconforming, frequently abbreviated to GNC, is a broad term that describes a person who defies gender norms and expectations in their gender expression. This can apply to all gender identities: trans, cis, nonbinary and beyond.

Transphobia refers to prejudice or hatred shown, in speech or actions, toward transgender or gender-nonconforming people. This bias is centered on gender identity.

3 Sexual orientation

Sexual orientation describes an enduring physical, romantic and/or emotional attraction to a person of the same and/or other genders. It is separate from gender identity, but like gender identity, it is innate.

A cisgender or transgender person can be straight, lesbian, gay, bisexual, asexual, etc. (For example, “lesbian” could apply to both cisgender women and transgender women who are exclusively attracted to other women.)

Pansexual describes someone who is capable of forming enduring physical, romantic and emotional attraction to people of any gender identity.

Asexual, which is sometimes shortened to “ace,” is an umbrella term for people who do not experience sexual attraction. This can also include people who are demisexual — experiencing some sexual attraction, but only in certain situations; for example, only after establishing a strong emotional connection.

Out describes a person who self-identifies as gay, lesbian, bisexual, queer, transgender or nonbinary in their personal, public and professional lives.

Queer is an overarching term describing anyone whose sexual orientation isn’t exclusively heterosexual. It’s not unusual for older generations of LGBTQ members to reject the term, which was once considered a pejorative, said Branstetter. But in recent years, younger members have sought to reclaim the word.

“The word ‘queer,’ I think, is increasingly embraced in terms of expressing your own sexuality because it speaks to an openness. It speaks to growing comfortable with ambiguity,” Branstetter said.

For some people, “queer” carries with it an additional meaning as a political identity, Jones said — one that challenges the ways LGBTQ marginalization and inequality are upheld by legal, political and social systems. In recent years, some heterosexual people have also embraced this identity.

Homophobia refers to prejudice or hate expressed, in speech or actions, toward gay, lesbian, bisexual or queer people. The intolerance is based on sexual orientation.

4 Terms in the news

Gender transition refers to the multilayered process of aligning one’s life with one’s gender identity. While much of the news focuses on the medical process of transitioning (in large part because of the states that have proposed or enacted bills that restrict these treatments), transition can and does happen on many other levels.

“There’s a wide range of things that involve transition, and they’re not the same for everyone,” said Jones

Social transition includes actions like coming out to family and friends, and changing how one dresses or talks, the name they go by and the pronouns they use. Legal transition involves updating documents like birth certificates and identification cards to reflect one’s name and gender marker. Medical transition includes hormone replacement therapy and could include additional surgical procedures as well.

Transition is a highly individualized, personal process. A person who is transitioning could employ all — or none — of these methods.

Gender dysphoria is the medical term for the psychological and physical distress that happens when one’s sex assigned at birth does not align with their gender. How people experience gender dysphoria — and its severity — varies from person to person, noted Jones.

In a clinical context, a psychiatric diagnosis of gender dysphoria is often necessary to access medical treatment. This practice is controversial on a couple of fronts: Some say that it inappropriately pathologizes gender incongruence, and some also critique it as a form of medical gatekeeping.

According to the Trans Journalists Association, gender dysphoria can also happen in a social context and can refer to the discomfort many trans people feel when their correct gender is not recognized by others.

Gender euphoria refers to the satisfaction and happiness people feel when their gender is affirmed. A trans person may experience this kind of euphoria when their correct names and pronouns are recognized or when their physical appearance aligns with their gender identity.

Branstetter adds that this kind of feeling is something cis people experience, too: “Cis women oftentimes will enjoy feeling feminine, whatever that may mean to them, in the same way cis men will oftentimes enjoy feeling masculine in whatever way that may mean to them.”

Gender-affirming care describes medical care that affirms or recognizes the gender identity of the person receiving medical care. Also known as “gender-affirmative” or “gender-confirming” care, such medical care for minors can include puberty or hormone blockers and is closely monitored by their doctors. For adults, this could mean hormone therapy and various surgical procedures, such as breast reconstruction (also known as “top surgery”), speech therapy, genital reconstruction and facial plastic surgery.

These treatments have been linked to better health outcomes for the transgender, nonbinary and gender-nonconforming people who seek them, and can help protect them against discrimination and violence.

But gender-affirming care goes beyond medical treatments that assist people in transitioning, said Jones. She views gender-affirming care as care that recognizes and values the gender identity of the patient, no matter what they’re seeking treatment for.

Jason Rafferty, a child psychiatrist and pediatrician at Hasbro Children’s Hospital in Providence, R.I., described it similarly to the American Medical Association: It is “a model of care and an approach to the patients and families that we work with,” he said.

“It’s not necessarily a protocol. It’s not guided steps,” Rafferty added.

Misgender refers to an action in which someone addresses or refers to another person by the wrong gender — either accidentally or intentionally. This can include referring to someone by the wrong pronouns or honorifics or using a trans person’s deadname (the name they used before transitioning).

To understand and avoid misgendering, it’s important to recognize how often we gender the world around us, said Branstetter: We project gender onto animals, objects and even weather events.

“It’s something that people do and they don’t realize that they do it. It happens very swiftly,” Branstetter said.

For many transgender people, misgendering can feel like a form of violence, Jones added: “It’s violent because it’s a form of erasure.”

Marginalized gender is an umbrella term, most frequently used in academic and activist circles, describing anyone who is not a cis man. The term points toward the ways cisgender women and LGBTQ individuals, historically and currently, have experienced systemic inequities and greater regulation over their rights.

“It’s not just that their bodies are regulated,” Branstetter said, “but their bodies are regulated as a means of regulating their life path.”

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Understanding Gender Identity

Gender exists on a spectrum, with several gender identities to choose from

There’s so much diversity in how we identify ourselves and the way we express love for one another. Just as there are different kinds of love, we can become sexually and romantically attracted to our partners in different ways (if we experience sexual or romantic attraction at all).

The relationship we have with our own bodies as it relates to gender and sexual orientation can also be a complicated one. Everyone is built differently, and many of us come to realize aspects of our own gender in ways that can be challenging, exciting and complex.

Over time, as language has evolved and we’ve learned more about gender identity, gender expression and sexual orientation, healthcare providers and organizations like the American Counseling Association have determined multiple ways someone can identify in terms of how they feel about themselves and how they feel about others. One example of gender inclusivity might be, rather than refer to someone of Latin American descent as Latina or Latino, a more gender-inclusive term we use now is Latinx.

Sometimes, this search for understanding how we identify can happen later in life, but often, this journey begins when we’re young.

“Most teens struggle with figuring out who they are as a person. That’s part of what teenage years are meant to be, exploring your identity as a person,” says pediatric psychologist Vanessa K. Jensen, PsyD, ABPP.

There’s no right answer for determining how you identify related to gender and sexuality, but discovery usually begins with internal awareness and may include exploring how you can express your gender identity and sexual orientation with others. However you arrive at your identity, it’s important that you do so safely and you check in with yourself often along the way.

“It’s so much easier when you have a path in almost anything,” says Dr. Jensen. “Having a group you can identify with can be very comforting. Having a label can give us a place to be in our own head, and at times, in our social lives and what we do day-to-day. That’s true for many people, but it’s especially true in our teen and young adult journeys.”

Here, Dr. Jensen helps us walk through several common terms used to describe gender identity and gender expression.

Gender identity and how we talk about who we are

Gender identity is typically expressed in the way you label yourself, how you physically present yourself to others and how you feel about your own body.

Discovering your gender identity is a journey we all take. Some of us arrive at and understand our gender identity quickly — some of us know on Day One where we’re going, and some of us take the most direct path to get there. Some of us might take a more scenic route with a few stops along the way until we arrive at our final destination. And that’s OK. You are valid, no matter how you arrive at understanding your gender identity.

“For a lot of people, these things happen very organically and naturally,” says Dr. Jensen. “This is about more than just our bodies. This is about who we are. And that includes external and internal aspects of ourselves.”

As language continues to evolve, we’re coming up with new ways to explain how we feel about who we are every day. This list, though not all-inclusive, is a good first step in understanding the various ways we and those around us identify gender, keeping in mind that not everyone agrees on the definition of each label and that they’re continually changing.

Agender

This term describes someone who feels like they don’t fit any gender. They may not ascribe to (identify with) the gender binary of males and females (someone who doesn’t identify with the polar opposites of male or female). They also don’t feel comfortable with other gender-variant terms.

Androgynous

This term describes someone who feels comfortable expressing themselves in a more gender-neutral way. They may express varying aspects of masculinity and femininity. How they express themselves may vary day to day, but they don’t generally appear dramatically male or female.

Bigender

People who are bigender experience characteristics of two genders at the same time. Though this typically means the male/female gender binary, you could experience aspects of other genders, too.

“If you’re bigender, you don’t want to label yourself as just one or the other, but you don’t want to reject either one, so you identify with both,” explains Dr. Jensen.

Butch

Some may see this as a derogatory label, while others may claim this term to define how they identify in an affirming way. This term is often reserved for those who identify strongly with masculine cultural traits physically, sexually, mentally and/or emotionally. Historically, this term has been used by lesbian women who express more masculine characteristics. Similar to a few other labels listed here, this should be a self-identification, not a label you ascribe to other people.

Cisgender

This term describes someone whose gender identity matches their assigned sex at birth. If you were born female and identify as female, you’re cisgender. If you were born male and identify as male, you’re also cisgender.

Femme

Femme has often been reserved for those who identify strongly with feminine cultural traits physically, sexually, mentally and/or emotionally. Historically, this term has been used within the lesbian community; however, it also commonly applies to people who are male-identifying in gender and express more feminine characteristics. This can also be used by anyone of any gender who identifies with feminine traits.

FTM (female-to-male)

This is typically a medical abbreviation to describe a transition for a transgender person. The first letter indicates someone’s assigned sex at birth and the last letter indicates someone’s gender identity and expression. FTM indicates a female transition to male.

“This is one of those medical abbreviations that can be perceived as pejorative [has negative connotations],” notes Dr. Jensen. “But people may see that in a medical document or journal.”

Intersex

This is an umbrella term that technically means “between the sexes.” People who are intersex carry variations in their reproductive and sexual anatomy that differ from what’s fully male or female. For example, a baby might be born with genitalia that is not completely male or completely female, or they might have variations of XX and XY chromosomes. Medically, these rare conditions are referred to as disorders of sex differentiation (or differences of sex development). Language is evolving. Some people may find the term DSD controversial, as it implies intersex is a disorder in need of treatment rather than a biological variation. However, the term intersex continues to be recognized by the LGBTQIA+ community and has gained more traction as an identity within the last decade.

MTF (male-to-female)

This is typically a medical abbreviation to describe a transition for a transgender person. The first letter indicates someone’s assigned sex at birth and the last letter indicates someone’s gender identity and expression. MTF indicates a male transition to female.

Nonbinary

If you’re nonbinary, you don’t ascribe to the male/female binary. Instead of identifying as male or female, you identify as being somewhere else on the gender spectrum.

“If you identify as nonbinary, you see gender as a spectrum,” says Dr. Jensen. “You’re basically saying, ‘I don’t buy into the two ends of the poles, people can be anywhere on that spectrum.’”

Pangender

A synonym of omnigender and polygender, this umbrella term describes anyone whose gender identity carries varying aspects of multiple identities and expressions.

Pronouns

Historically, we’ve been pretty binary (male/female) in the way we approach using pronouns to talk about those around us. Luckily, as our language evolves, we’ve created new ways of identifying how we feel about who we are. Our use of pronouns has expanded to include interchangeable gender-neutral pronouns like they/them/their, xe/xem/xyr, zie/zim/zir and others.

“Names and pronouns have meaning, and people take them seriously,” says Dr. Jensen. “It’s very personal.”

Transgender

This term describes someone whose gender identity does not match their assigned sex at birth, and it’s inclusive of both binary (male/female) and nonbinary gender identities. Some individuals are very open about being transgender; however, some may prefer to avoid that term entirely and simply exist as the gender they are (what’s sometimes referred to as “passing”). And that’s OK. How you choose to present yourself is entirely up to you.

“There are a lot of transgender individuals whose goal is to just be and be seen as the gender they identify as,” says Dr. Jensen. “So, they don’t want to be called transgender, a trans man or a trans woman.”

The process of transitioning from your sex assigned at birth to your identified gender looks different for every person based on your individual experiences.

In many cases, the first step to transition is called social transitioning. During this step, you may express your gender identity by changing the way you present yourself at home or in public. This gender expression can be evidenced in the clothing and accessories you wear, your body language, or your interests and activities. You may also ask friends and family to refer to you by a different name or pronoun that better fits your gender identity. You can also legally change your name. This period of social transitioning may last months, years or a lifetime.

You may want to go through a physical transition, too, with the help of hormone replacement therapy and/or gender confirmation/affirming surgery. In many cases, according to WPATH guidelines, centers require some period of social transition prior to receiving these healthcare services. In some cases, puberty blockers are used to put a hold on puberty to allow more time for a young person to understand their gender identity.

For some folks, hormone replacement therapy can be enough for someone to feel like they’ve fully transitioned.

“Some people can’t take hormones with certain medical conditions, and some choose not to for personal reasons,” says Dr. Jensen.

You can use different interventions like chest binders, voice therapy or hair removal to improve your gender expression. But you may still want gender confirmation/affirming surgery to modify your chest (sometimes called “top surgery”), modify your genitalia (sometimes called “bottom surgery”) or other surgical procedures that modify your face, voice, body hair or other physical aspects of your body.

Whatever path you choose to carry out your transition is entirely up to you, but it’s important that you seek out LGBTQIA+-friendly healthcare providers who can walk you through that process and discuss your options.

Two-spirited

This term is typically reserved for Indigenous/Native Americans who embrace a third gender that contains aspects of both masculine and feminine spirits in one person. Two-spirited individuals are historically valued, honored and respected among their tribe for the spiritual and social roles they play in their communities.

The spectrum of gender identity and gender dysphoria

There are multiple ways in which you might define your gender identity. Several gender identities are all-inclusive umbrella terms that reflect gender as much larger than the male/female binary. And while some of these terms stand on their own, others may be interchangeable.

“There are different variations for many of these terms because gender is a spectrum,” says Dr. Jensen.

Here are some other important terms to know:

  • Gender-fluid: Your gender may shift and change over time and can include multiple genders.
  • Gender-neutral: For some people, this is similar to agender. If you’re gender-neutral, you don’t identify with one specific gender but may identify with varying aspects of multiple genders. Or you reject the idea of gender labeling altogether.
  • Gender-nonconforming: This umbrella term describes anyone whose gender identity and gender expression don’t align with cultural expectations of the male/female binary. If you’re gender-nonconforming, you may think of yourself as having no gender, multiple genders or a third gender that’s neither male nor female.
  • Gender-normative: Your gender identity and gender expression align with cultural expectations of the male/female binary.
  • Gender-variant: Sometimes known as gender-expansive, this term is similar to gender-nonconforming. It describes anyone who identifies with a gender outside of the male/female binary.
  • Genderqueer: Similar to gender-nonconforming and gender-variant, you may identify as genderqueer if you think of yourself as having no gender, multiple genders or a third gender that’s neither male nor female. It’s important to note, though, that while some people see this term as affirming, others find it derogatory. This should be a self-identification, not a label you give to or say to another person.

Sometimes, you may experience gender dysphoria if aspects of your physical body don’t align with the gender you identify with. But it’s important to note that not everyone who’s transgender experiences gender dysphoria, and not everyone who experiences gender dysphoria is transgender.

Wherever you are on your gender journey — whether you’re at your destination or still figuring out your path forward — making an effort to understand gender identity is something we can all do to create a more inclusive world.

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