— Exploring the forgotten part of wellness routines.

BY HANNAH COLE

I am a woman of many attempted wellness routines. I’m great at exercising daily for my mental health and sticking to morning and evening skincare routines, but one aspect of my self-care that significantly lacks attention is my sexual wellness. It’s important, but I’m easily distracted and I’ve never thought of it as an essential cornerstone. 

Luckily for me, sexual wellness apps are on the rise. At the height of lockdown, I downloaded Kama and I can’t listen to my favourite podcasts without a promo for Dipsea. No doubt you’re familiar with others like Coral, Ferly and Rosy. What impact would a daily sexual wellness practice, as dictated by one of these apps, have on my mind, body and soul?

The experts’ take on sexual wellness apps

I think a sexual wellness practice might significantly improve my wellbeing. To test my hypothesis, I decided to take myself on a journey of experimentation. Before kicking off, I reached out to three local experts to understand the benefits and roles of these apps. 

“Sexual wellness is a key pillar of overall wellbeing,” notes relationship coach Stephanie Rigg. “But for many of us, it’s something that falls way down the list… many people treat sex as something they do rather than a part of who they are.” As certified sex coach Georgia Grace tells me, “We’re starting to value it not just as an afterthought, not just as something that is indulgent or radical”.

Sexologist and sexuality educator Lauren French believes “Anything that allows more space to talk about sex and for people to reflect on how sex works in their life can do a world of good”. Apps can play a pivotal role in building healthy habits, improving self-confidence and helping us understand our sexuality.

This, in turn, promotes better sex. “How are you meant to communicate your needs, desires and preferences if you’ve never taken the time to explore what they are?” asks Stephanie.

Your choice of app is a personal thing, determined by your interests, questions and needs. While I set out for daily usage, Georgia notes the decision always “Comes back to the intention. What are you hoping to get out of this?”. Personally, I was hoping to discover if simply acting, thinking or learning about sex for a minimum of five minutes could benefit me.

The three-week trial

As any routine-setter will tell you, it’s essential to cultivate the time and space (both mental and physical) for the habit at hand. I set my daily reminders, made the bed with fresh linen sheets, propped my earphones on the bedside table and selected my apps: Kama (free), Dipsea and Ferly (both offer seven-day free trials).

My hope was a daily sexual wellness practice would help me engage with my body more, be kinder to myself and prompt me to wind down after a long day.

Kama, a pleasure-focused app with practical exercises, meditations and daily content from an in-house sex coach, took me through guided masturbation. One 30-minute course offered tips for finding the ‘electric spot’.

The app frequently reminded me these practices are not only designed for enjoyment but offer a gateway to better sex and familiarisation with one’s body. My Kama practice was to engage all the senses, pay attention and do away with pressure and goals. 

Similarly, Ferly nudged me towards greater mindfulness. Focusing less on the physical practice here (although there are guides for that too), I selected the Cultivating Desire course. Designed with cute checklist-like modules, each integrated theory, practical applications and exercises with the opportunity for reflection. 

My final contender was Dipsea. Sold as ‘sexy and short audio stories’, the app embraces erotica in a way that feels modern, playful and far from the cringiness of Mills and Boon bodice-rippers. Every night for a week, I indulged in a ten-minute episode following the sexy romance of Jack and Gia. I shut my eyes, leaned back on my pillow and let my mind wander, giving into the ASMR sensations.

As Georgia tells me, “It’s also interesting to see how the category is actually expanding out to include other aspects of your overall wellbeing”. Not only was I engaging with sex-focused content – helping to build arousal and explore eroticism – but each app offered additional sleep and breathwork practices. Come for the sex-positive content, stay for the relaxation – sexual wellness fits into the bigger picture.

After three weeks of dabbling in these apps, I learnt enforcing a daily practice – of almost anything – kind of takes away the sparkle. Without a solid goal, I was dipping in and out of lessons and simply choosing what seemed to ‘speak to me’ in the moment.

Unless, of course, it’s a Dipsea story (which I’m now considering paying for – a wild idea coming from the girl who refused to pay for the efficiency of a public transport app). You can’t make me sit still and meditate for five minutes, but I will halt everything for a good story. When I listen, my heart rate slows and I breathe deeply again. My body, mind and soul reach peak relaxation.

In saying this, nothing is perfect. “These spaces almost always also have a function in selling something… that’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s something we all need to remember when diving into any wellness space,” Lauren tells me.

A part of me worries about the gamification of sex and the commodification of our simple needs. The other part of me? It’s more than happy to indulge and seek pleasure in any way that works.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

If you feel ashamed about your desires, read sex educator Cassandra Corrado’s good advice on getting over it and owning your pleasure.

by Cassandra Corrado

Sexual shame is one of the most pervasive sexual challenges, but it rarely gets talked about directly. Because, you know…shame.

Sometimes sexual shame is broad, affecting how we engage with our sexual selves overall. That’s especially true for folks who have been raised in strict, socially conservative environments where all conversations about sex, sexual desire, and sexual safety were considered “no-go zones” and for folks who were raised in households where “sexual purity” was considered a core value.

Other times, sexual shame is specific. It might show up in relation to masturbation, our desires and fantasies, our kinks, how we choose to structure our relationships, how our genitals look, or any number of areas.

Shame isn’t inherent, though.

It’s taught. That shame instruction happens both actively (through our caregivers, schools, and religious communities) and passively (through conversations with friends and larger media messaging). It pushes us to believe that we are wrong, that we are alone in our experiences, and that we should hide who we are. But I have very good news: Because we can be taught shame, we can also unlearn shame.

Unlearning sexual shame has become a big part of my educational work. So, I’m sharing 6 ways to help you begin to uproot shame from your life.

As you read through this list, remember: Unlearning shame is work. It requires us to take a fresh, sometimes uncomfortable, look at our past, how we show judgment, and what our core values are. It also takes time. Give yourself permission to move as slowly and intentionally through this process as you need.

1. Inventory the areas of your sex life affected by shame

To take an inventory of how shame shows up in your sex life, list out the areas where you feel joyful, relaxed, and judgment-free. Then, list out the parts of yourself that you feel like you push to the side, silence, or judge. These areas could be behaviors, mindsets, ways of expressing yourself, fantasies, body-specific things—whatever feels true to you.

You may struggle with one or both of those categories. Some folks may feel like there are no parts of their sex lives that feel judgment-free (if that’s you, don’t get stuck in not being able to write something down—just move to the other category). Others may feel overwhelmed or even triggered by naming how their shame is manifesting.

Take as much time as you need to do this and take breaks when you need to.

2. Identify your “shame voice”

Your shame voice is the character in your brain who is telling you that you’re bad for thinking, feeling, or doing whatever. It might be someone who raised you, a person you had a previous relationship with, a religious leader—anyone, really.

Some people’s shame voices even sound like themselves. Others may find that their shame voice is amorphous and can’t be pinned to one person or institution.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• Is that person or institution someone whose opinion or guidance you still value?
• Has that person or institution demonstrated that you can turn to them for support and they won’t judge, condemn, or punish you?

In some cases, the answer may be a clear “no.” But in others, it may be “uh…sometimes?” and in other cases a complete “yes.”

Really important note: If your shame’s voice sounds like your own voice, then be gentle with that interrogation. Instead, I recommend asking yourself where you picked up the messages or values that informed your shame. Don’t bully yourself.

3. Seek out new information

Sexual shame is often born out of misinformation. For example, people with vaginas may have been taught that their value as a person is reduced once they have vaginal sex.

But that’s not true.

One major way to counteract shame’s effects on your life is to counterbalance its messaging. Find sex ed resources that are dedicated to teaching about sexuality without condemning your behaviors or desires. Some that I recommend are Scarleteen, The CSPH, What’s My Body Doing, Sex Positive Families, Thank God for Sex, and my own YouTube show, You Deserve Good Sex. We also have a lot of sex ed content right here on The House Call!

4. Build shame-free micro-communities

Our sexual shame might be fostered by the people who are around us day-to-day, and we might not want or be able to cut ties with those people or institutions. Instead, counterbalance their effects by creating and participating in spaces where shame simply isn’t welcome at the table.

That might look like following or unfollowing certain social media accounts. It could also look like joining a virtual or IRL support group, visiting a community center, or spending a lot of time on subreddits. Your micro-community may even be one or two friends with whom you can have open, honest conversations.

Whatever your thing is, there is an online or in-person community for it—I promise you.

Spend some time figuring out how you can build up shame-free spaces in your life, even if it’s just in your digital life. Those spaces can help you feel less alone and stigmatized, and they can even help with that “new information” thing we just talked about.

5. Identify your true values

For many of us, our core values are things that we inherited from our families and communities growing up. That can be both a positive and negative thing, but in general, it means that we may not have spent time thinking about if those values are really our values.

• What would you name as one of your core values?
• How do you put those values into action day-to-day?
• How do you want to embody those values?
• How do you want to share them with others?

That exercise can apply to values overall, and I recommend doing that work. But it’s just as important to think about our specific sexual values. All of those same questions apply; just consider them within the context of sex.

When you identify what your sexual values are, it can become easier to identify behaviors or systems that do and don’t support them.

6. Remind yourself: You don’t deserve shame

No matter what your shame voice may be telling you, you don’t deserve to feel shame.

Unlike guilt, which can help us identify if we’ve done something wrong, the only function of shame is to make us feel like we are entirely bad or unloveable. Some reminders:

• You are not a chewed-up piece of gum, a piece of linty tape, or a licked lollipop
• You are not alone in your desires
• Desire is not immoral
• Your body is made for your consensual, delightful, exploratory enjoyment
• Your body is not too big, too small, too uneven, too floppy, too curved — too anything

I’ll say it again: You don’t deserve shame. Tell yourself that as often as you need to. Interrupt your shame cycle as often as you need to. Because you didn’t plant your own shame seed, but you can be the one to uproot it.

As you begin your journey to unlearn your sexual shame, remember to give yourself time, patience, and abundant acceptance. You may need extra support from a therapist or support group, and that’s okay! You deserve that support.

In short, you’ve got this.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!