Category: KINK

Posted on

Everything You Need to Know About BDSM Tests and Kink Levels

It’s basically like a ~sexy~ Myers-Briggs personality test.

By Morgan Mandriota

Hello, my friends: Welcome to the safe space where kinksters, rookies, and all those in between unite. If you’re looking to explore a new fetish, maybe dabble in a few new kinks, or find out what exactly a brat is (…among other things), you’ve come to the right place.

Meet your new trusty sidekick that is low-key the R-rated version of Myers-Briggs: the BDSM test.

For the ~experienced~ kinksters, a BDSM test will help you find something new to try in (or out of) the bedroom. For those who are on the vanilla side looking to dabble into ventures you *might* be into, this test will also help you in all your sexy-time fun. Let’s get into all the details about it and what you can expect.

This content is imported from {embed-name}. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

What’s a BDSM test?

It’s kind of like a Myers-Briggs test for sexual personality types, says Gabi Levi, a sexpert who runs erotica site Shag Story. But if you’re looking for a more ~solid~ definition, “BDSM tests are typically a list of various sexual acts and attitudes that the test taker ranks on a scale ranging from ‘I’m 100 percent into that’ to ‘Nope. Hard limit, never gonna happen,’” explains sex and relationship therapist Stefani Goerlich.

“You answer questions about what kinds of sensations you enjoy giving and receiving, how much control you like to take or give over in your relationships, and how you feel about various fantasy and role-play scenarios,” says Goerlich.

Some example Qs you can expect to answer:

  • Do you enjoy behaving like a child?
  • Do you love being tied up with zero control?
  • Do you enjoy hunting prey?

Expect to be asked deeper, nonsexual questions because BDSM isn’t only a sexual experience—often times, it requires a high level of emotional intimacy too, says Levi.

What do your results mean?

Once you finish, you’ll end up on a page that shows off all your results, which is basically a list of which BDSM archetypes you align most with on a percentage scale from 0 to 100.

“You’ll receive a list of various power exchange dynamics, ranging from Fifty Shades–style light dominance and submission to master/slave lifestyles as well as more niche interests such as caregiver/little and pet play,” Goerlich explains. “The test then tells you, based on what you expressed an interest in, which dynamics might be most comfortable and enjoyable for you and your partner(s).”

Some of those look like brat and brat tamer, master/mistress and slave, caregiver and little, pet play, etc.

“At first glance, it can seem overwhelming, but BDSM can be so valuable to someone’s sex life, personal life, and emotional growth,” says Levi. “The world of BDSM is so much larger than most people think it is—it reaches beyond ‘dom’ and ‘sub’ archetypes into kinks and scenes that are uniquely specific to a participant’s sexual preferences.” Kind of cool, right?

This content is imported from {embed-name}. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

Where can I take a BDSM test?

Alright, alright, now everything you’ve been waiting for: how to take this BDSM test. Head on over to BDSMTest.org or MojoUpgrade.com to take the test. They’re two of the best sites around with slight differences.

BDSMTest.org gives you a lengthy list of fetishes and kink dynamics along with a percentage rating of how aligned your answers were with each possibility. (Like, hi, I got 99 percent brat.) This one is probs best if you’re single or just curious about your own tastes.

MojoUpgrade.com is better for seeing how your kinks align with your partners’. It allows couples to separately rate their sexual interests, then at the end, groups everything you both agreed on into a list to explore and play with.

Both options can be really powerful tools to build trust and enhance communication within your relationship, says Goerlich.

Okay, so you took the BDSM test. How will it improve your sex life?

A ton of really amazing ways. For one, “BDSM takes the fundamental ideas of power, play, and pleasure and puts them under a magnifying glass,” says Levi. “By understanding which elements of those fundamentals turn you on and turn you off is going to make you better understand your own sexuality and desires.”

Taking them can also help ease feelings of sexual shame or insecurity. “By taking tests such as these with your partner, you learn so much about what you might have in common but have been too afraid to talk about,” says Goerlich, whose clients often say they feel embarrassed or ashamed of what they want to do sexually.

Plus, who wouldn’t want to gauge sexual compatibility with your partner? Maybe it’s a lil much to pull out a BDSM test on date one, but if we’re asking about love languages and astrology signs, why not?

But remember this: Although BDSM tests can offer amazing insight into your own dream world of kink, they should only be used for inspo. “These are not psychological assessments that have been evaluated for reliability and validity,” Goerlich says. That said, my boyfriend and I can totally vouch for how much fun a BDSM test date night was.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

What Is A Ruined Orgasm?

Why Some People Love Them + How To Try

by Morgan Mandriota

Some folks dream of being able to someday have an orgasm, while others get off from having their partner spoil their big O. Yep, you read that right—ruined orgasms are totally a thing that some people enjoy. If you’re curious, here’s what you should know about ruined orgasms before attempting to wreck your or someone else’s next climax.

What is a ruined orgasm?

“A ruined orgasm is typically a type of control play found in the BDSM community whereby the dominant person gets the submissive person highly aroused and then leaves them hanging to experience a very low-quality, low- to no-sensation type of orgasm, if any at all,” explains AASECT-certified sex therapist Jenni Skyler, Ph.D., LMFT, CST. So rather than feeling a 10/10 euphoric explosion of pleasure, the sub would feel a not-so-satisfying 2/10 instead. Yay.

Ruined orgasms can happen by accident, too. In fact, you might’ve actually had one in the past! “Many of us have experienced them; most of us just don’t eroticize the experience,” says sociologist and clinical sexologist Sarah Melancon, Ph.D. For example, she says one can occur if someone walks in on you masturbating or you get distracted right as you’re about to finish. (I can vouch that that’s happened to me before with a phone call from my mom, and it sucked.)

Melancon also notes that this practice is far more common in the world of female domination with male subs (which is why male-gendered language and penis talk may be used moving forward!), but people of any gender can enjoy it and should totally try it out if it sounds appealing.

What ruined orgasms feel like.

Does a ruined orgasm hurt or feel good for the person having it? Does it even feel like anything at all? Well, it can make the recipient feel…a few different things. Physically, it’s kinda like blue balls. “It can feel like a very subtle orgasm without the release, intensity, or climatic feeling typically experienced by orgasm,” says Skyler. Melancon adds that “sometimes ruined orgasms can feel a bit painful or uncomfortable to feel the contractions of an orgasm without the pleasure.”

Emotionally, it can feel very frustrating, disappointing, and unsatisfying. “If the stimulation continues to a point where ejaculation is inevitable, his partner can still distract or humiliate him to ruin the sensation of orgasm,” says Melancon. “In addition, the feeling of humiliation may accompany the experience regardless, especially if the ‘ruined’ partner twitches, spasms, moans, and groans at the sensation. It can feel embarrassing, as if they have no control over their own body.”

Ironically, though, despite how sad ruined orgasms may sound like they feel, they can be pretty pleasurable if someone’s super into them. “Some men have a fetish for this and want their partner to ruin their orgasm,” says Melancon. “These guys often enjoy the tease-and-denial aspect and/or want to be ‘forced’ to do something to ‘earn’ a good orgasm.” 

How to give or have a ruined orgasm:

1. Ensure you have consent.

Friendly reminder: Never assume it’s OK to engage in a sexual activity without receiving enthusiastic consent from all parties. It’s especially important to protect both people during BDSM with clear communication, boundaries, and consent conversations. “Make sure both partners agree to this type of sex play,” says Skyler…then, proceed!

2. Agree upon a safe word.

Safewords or safe signals are important for communication and safety, explains Melancon. So before playing, remember to pick a unique word or action that either of you can express to stop the experience at any given time—no questions asked.

“There aren’t many true risks here, but if he’s uncomfortable and wants to stop, he should be free to express himself, and it’s a good idea to discuss how beforehand,” she says. “Likewise, his partner should feel free to stop teasing him if she isn’t feeling into it herself.”

Don’t know what to choose? “Watermelon.” You’re welcome.

3. Do your research.

Skyler reminds those interested in attempting ruined orgasms to read up on dom/sub power dynamics before starting this type of play. Learning the how-to’s from reliable sources on YouTube or well-known industry professionals can help ensure you have a safer, more educated, and pleasurable experience.

4. Focus on teasing your partner.

Ruined orgasms have to do with the amazing buildup and disappointing letdown of that otherwise long-awaited, exciting moment. That’s where the art of teasing comes in! “Slowly tease and build up the sexual tension inside his body. [You] may start and stop just as he’s really getting into it, then, after a pause, start back up again,” Melancon suggests.

5. Stop all stimulation prior to climax.

Melancon reminds us that a ruined orgasm is when all stimulation is stopped just prior to orgasm. So right as he’s about to orgasm, simply stop all movement and stimulation. “If you’ve timed it right and he’s on the path of no return, his body may begin to convulse and he will moan with discomfort instead of pleasure,” she says. Hint: If that happens, you’re doing it right!

Ruined orgasm versus edging.

There’s a pretty clear difference between ruined orgasms and edging, which involves getting right up to the point where you’re about to orgasm, stopping temporarily, and then building back up again. One results in maximum pleasure, whereas the other results in minimal pleasure. (Can you guess which is which?)

“While edging is very pleasurable and results in a longer window of arousal followed typically by an intense orgasm. A ruined orgasm is like the arousal petering out without climax after getting highly aroused,” Skyler explains.

“Tease and deny is a related kink and is exactly what it sounds like—one partner teases the other until they’re very aroused but stops before the point of orgasm,” adds Melancon. What’s the difference? Stimulation stops sooner and isn’t meant to ruin the orgasm, she says, but just amp up the teasing aspect.

Ruined orgasms may not sound physically pleasurable, so what’s the appeal for each party? Turns out there are many reasons people might enjoy ruined orgasms.

For one, it’s a fetish (predominantly among men). But while it’s more common for men to desire a ruined orgasm, Melancon says some women find it fun. “It really turns the dominant heterosexual script on its head, where his orgasm is no longer the most important or defining moment of sex.”

However, a lot of the excitement boils down to having or lacking control. “Partners may enjoy the power play and being able to choose where, when, how, and, most importantly, IF [they] get [their] pleasure,” says Melancon. Skyler adds that the power play appeal lies around the “short-term withholding and/or denial of physical pleasure for the larger, mental erotic charge. Many people playing in this arena enjoy giving up the physical sensations of more vanilla-known pleasure in order to experience a more mental [excitement] around power exchange.”

Last but not least on the list of perks, ruined orgasms can even help people with penises last longer during sex. According to Melancon, “if he’s allowed to ejaculate but without the pleasurable release of orgasm, he may remain sexually aroused and thus able to engage in more sexual activities.”

So whether you’re potentially into the power play, pain, or twisted pleasure of it all, try having your next orgasm ruined. Who knows? You might be way more into it than you expect.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

How to have shower sex

— 12 essential tips and steamy positions

Getting steamy in the tub may be trickier than on dry land, but that’s no reason to write it off.

by Rosie Saunders

Shower sex looks easy in the movies, but the reality can be a little bit different. Getting steamy in the tub may be trickier than on dry land, but that’s no reason to write it off. A little pre-shower prep goes a long way.

With that in mind, we asked Mia Sabat, sex therapist at sexual wellbeing audio app Emjoy, to share the best positions for comfortable shower sex, along with extra tips and advice for taking your bathroom escapades up a level:

Shower sex positions

While this article refers to sex between a woman or a person with a vagina, and a man or a person with a penis, shower sex certainly isn’t gender-exclusive – nor does it require two people.

There’s plenty of fun you can have in the bath or shower by yourself, says Sabat – try lathering your body in special scented soaps or gels, or bring a sex toy into the mix.

‘The sky is the limit when it comes to shower sex, so long as you prioritise stability.’

‘There are plenty of waterproof options to help make things really exciting,’ she says. ‘The soothing nature of water can also help you to relax and unwind, giving your mind the space it needs to really get into the mood while helping you to build a truly powerful orgasm.’

If you are sharing the suds with a partner, try one of the following positions to make shower sex as comfortable and enjoyable as possible:

1. Stand and deliver

  • The receiver should turn away from their partner with their back to their face.
  • Feet should be firmly planted on the floor, ideally on a non-slip bath mat for added safety and leverage.
  • The receiver should bend at the waist until their head is pointing towards the ground , with their hands resting either on the wall in front of them or the side of the tub.
  • The giver should hold the receiver’s hips while entering from behind.

Also known as standing doggy style, this position is exceptionally satisfying when it comes to stimulating the clitoris and G-spot, says Sabat.

2. The wraparound

  • Stand facing each other, with one person leaning against the nearest wall for support.
  • Make sure to angle the shower head away from your face and onto your body for this to work.
  • Have the wall partner ‘wrap’ one leg around the other to pull them closer as they enter.

‘Not only does this position allow for over-the-top sensations and deeper penetration, but it enables you and your partner to be even more passionate and intimate, as you can kiss and caress one another while face-to-face,’ says Sabat. ‘A truly perfect way to make shower sex even steamier.’

3. On your knees

  • The ‘giver’ can squat, kneel or take any other position that allows them to pleasure their partner.
  • Make the room hot and steamy for this, to ensure the person on the giving end doesn’t get too cold.

‘The key to this position is making sure that whoever is receiving oral sex is standing, with the shower stream hitting their back, to shield the person who’s giving pleasure from any unwanted distractions,’ says Sabat.

4. The caboose

  • Have the giver sit down on the shower floor with their hands behind them.
  • The receiver should then sit on top.

‘This position means you’ll both be getting wet with the water coming from above,’ says Sabat. ‘Perfect for a partner that enjoys watching you when you’re on top.’

Shower sex tips

The sky is the limit when it comes to shower sex, so long as you prioritise stability, says Sabat. Before you begin, take precautions by using the right tools for the job – non-slip bath mats and lubricant (yep, lubricant) are key.

‘You might think water will suffice as a natural lubricant, but it actually has the opposite effect,’ Sabat says. ‘To ensure that penetration is comfortable throughout your steamy experience, use the correct lubricant for your situation.’

1. Set the mood

Foreplay is important – get stimulated before your switch the shower on. You could listen to literary or audio erotica, watch shower-based pornography, or experiment with ‘getting dirty before getting clean,’ says Sabat.

‘Swapping massages with scented oil, exploring each other’s messier fantasies, or experimenting with chocolate body paint can be great ways to work up to shower sex, especially as you’ll really enjoy washing each other off once you jump in,’ she says. ‘Feel free to go where your minds and bodies take you – the possibilities are endless.’

2. Plan ahead

When it comes to shower sex, you’re going for exciting – not dangerous, says Sabat. ‘Be sure you take safety precautions through bathroom accessories like handles, gripped bath mats, and waterproof sex toys to ensure that any liaisons you get into in the bathroom don’t end in a trip to the doctor,’ she says.

3. Take a stand

A foot stand, that is. It can help improve stability and increase the depth of penetration, Sabat says. ‘When you’re showering alone, don’t be afraid to test out potential positions to gauge stability,’ she explains. ‘Not only will this likely help to stimulate you both, but no one will be any the wiser, and you won’t have to worry about any slips or stumbles when you’re enjoying the real thing.’

shower sex

4. Don’t slip and slide

If you’re using any form of barrier protection, put it on before entering the shower to make sure you’re as protected as possible. ‘There’s an increased risk of condom slippage in the shower, so make sure it’s a good fit before you start adding water to the equation,’ says Sabat. ‘Remember, water is not a replacement for lubricant. Make sure that you have some water or silicone-based lubricant on standby, just in case, and that it’s compatible with any condoms or sex toys that you’re using.’

5. Think outside the box

Sex doesn’t have to involve penetration. Think outside the box and engage with other forms of intimacy – be it mutual masturbation, self-pleasure, oral sex, or simple, spontaneous mutual exploration, says Sabat. ‘What matters is that you and your partner engage in whatever sexual experience feels stimulating and satisfying to the both of you by consensually pursuing your sexual desires in the moment,’ she says.

6. Don’t obsess over orgasms

‘If you find yourself thinking that all sexual encounters must result in climax to be a worthwhile experience, it’s time to change – especially within the context of shower sex,’ says Sabat. ‘Focusing on stimulating each other while learning and exploring one another’s thrilling pleasures are valid ways of creating and sharing intimacy. Just let the flow of water and blissful pleasures take over – you’re sure to connect with some of your favourite undiscovered sensations.

7. Use shower accessories

A world of pleasure exists beneath the shower tap, says Sabat. If you are a person with a vagina, and have a removable shower head, ‘experiment with different positions throughout the tub – lying on your back or stomach, or sitting on the side of the tub, can help you to reach places you’ve never accessed before,’ she says.

‘Alternatively, lie on your back and slide under the bath’s tap until you come into contact with the steady stream of water in a way that feels pleasurable to you, without entering your vagina,’ Sabat continues. ‘In either context, the steady stream of warm water is sure to stimulate your vulva and clitoris like no other.’

8. Don’t shy away from anal play

If you’ve always wanted to explore anal play, the shower can be one of the best places to put your worries at ease, says Sabat. ‘Next time you’re in the shower alone or with your partner and feel the urge to venture out of your comfort zone, get some silicone lube,’ she says. ‘Start by slowly massaging your lower back, caressing the outside of your anus, and move at a pace that makes you comfortable and excited.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Are You An Exhibitionist?

A Deep Dive Into The Sexual Kink

By Stephanie Barnes

Do you feel amazing, almost as if you’re being energized and excited, while standing naked under the gaze of a partner or someone you’re about to be intimate with? If the answer is yes, you could be into exhibitionism. Here, we explore and ultimately give you a better understanding of what it means to be an exhibitionist.

“Exhibitionism is when a person experiences sexual excitation from the fantasy of being observed naked or engaged in sexual activity, or from actually being observed while naked or engaged in sexual activity,” explains AASECT-certified sex therapist Indigo Stray Conger, LMFT, CST.

Importantly, this consensual kink is completely different and separate from the mental health condition known as exhibitionistic disorder, which involves deriving “recurrent and intense sexual arousal from the exposure of one’s genitals to an unsuspecting person, usually a stranger,” Stray Conger says. The key difference is in the lack of consent and the distress the person may feel about their own desires.

“Healthy exhibitionism is a sex-positive celebration of the erotic and should not be confused with exhibitionistic disorder,” she says.

The desire to incorporate being watched by others into sexual activity is an extremely common fantasy, Stray Conger says. According to Zhana Vrangalova, Ph.D., New York University professor of human sexuality and sexpert for LELO, a recent study showed that, “66% of men and 57% of women fantasize about having sex ‘openly in a public place,’ and 82% of both genders fantasize about having sex in an ‘unusual’ place, including offices, public toilets, etc.”

“Most of us have at least a little bit of an exhibitionist streak in us: This, like anything else in psychology, exists on a spectrum, and it is perfectly normal and healthy,” Vrangalova adds.

Though bringing that fantasy into reality is slightly less common, it still occurs frequently enough via the robust swinging or “lifestyle” community, says Stray-Conger.

Signs you might be into it:

1. You fantasize about being watched.

Perhaps one of the biggest indications that you’re into exhibitionism is that you find yourself regularly fantasizing about being watched. Whether alone or with a partner: “If a common theme to the fantasies that bring you to climax are about someone observing you naked or engaged in a sexual act,” then you might be an exhibitionist, says Stray Conger.

“If this fantasy is a core component to your erotic template, you might explore what it would be like to bring that fantasy into reality—with consenting adults and legal behavior, of course,” she says.

2. An early memory of your sexual self involves being observed.

If you have an early memory of being seen naked and recalling that memory as an adult evokes an erotic feeling for you, you could be an exhibitionist.

“Our erotic templates tend to be formed when young, and the first few times we experience ourselves as sexual beings may not be when we are involved in sexual acts. Those deepest memories of our erotic selves become an integral part of what turns us on and gets us off,” Stray Conger says.

3. You like the idea of getting into burlesque, stripping, or other sexy forms of culture.

“This is show-offy but also has the value for some of giving their exhibitionism a context. [Because some people] might only be comfortable with sexy…not sex,” says Carol Queen, Ph.D., sexologist with Good Vibrations.

4. You enjoy putting on a show for your partner.

Similar to being into the idea of stripping or burlesque, Queen says putting on a private show is another sign of exhibitionism. “Putting on a show for your partner—dancing, masturbating for them, etc.—isn’t just to entice and please them, though that’s nice and sexy. An exhibitionist will also find this very personally arousing,” she explains.

5. You dress sexy in order to pull attention.

Queen says this includes wearing tight or revealing clothes, costumes with some kink value, sexy lingerie, or really going over the top at Halloween. “Different people will find different outfits and garments sexy—there is no one type of clothing that all people would feel sexy in—so this part is definitely personal with diverse looks associated with it,” she notes. “But again, [it’s about] you drawing the eye, and feeling sexy about it.”

“Even if you’re not yet bringing these behaviors into sexually fueled situations, they are early signs that you love the feeling of people watching you,” adds Dainis Graveris, certified sex educator and relationship expert at SexualAlpha.

This isn’t gender-specific, Queen adds. “We often think of women as ‘objects of desire’ in this culture, and women are expected to dress and groom accordingly. That doesn’t mean they’re all turned on by it! And it doesn’t mean all other gender presentations have to sit this one out. Anyone can find this kind of play or fantasy enhancing, if they are into it in the first place.”

6. You love bringing your partner with you while shopping for lingerie.

In doing this, “your partner will feel sexually aroused, and you love seeing how they react to you showing off your body. A classic example of an exhibitionist and a voyeurist together,” says Graveris.

Exhibitionism vs. voyeurism.

Exhibitionism and voyeurism actually go hand-in-hand, Vrangalova says.

“Exhibitionism and voyeurism are like two sides of a coin. Exhibitionism is about the possibility of being seen by others being arousing, while voyeurism is about watching others naked or having sex being arousing,” she tells mbg. “Like exhibitionism, voyeurism is quite common (visual sexual stimuli is inherently arousing), and perfectly normal as long as it involves consenting adults.”

Like with exhibitionism, consent is key to voyeurism and making the two kinks function well together.

“As a voyeur, I’ve had to learn how to respectfully enjoy the excitement and pleasure of someone that wants to be seen, especially in intimate settings during any group play or kink scenes,” says Tiana GlittersaurusRex, polyamorous educator and co-founder of The Sex Work Survival Guide. “Watching verbal and nonverbal cues, how their bodies react or move, and knowing my attention is an additional form of participation is what makes the delicate dance of watcher and watched all the more titillating. The entertainment industry is worth billions because we live in a society that has people that love to perform and the fans that love to ogle.”

Tips and tricks to explore your exhibitionist side:

Start in the realm of fantasy before introducing the real thing.

Before diving in, Stray Conger encourages open and honest conversations about what you want when it comes to your exploration of exhibitionism, especially with any sexual partners you might be engaging with.

“Talk about what sex would be like if others were watching. Discuss different scenarios and what would be most arousing,” she says. “Then bring those fantasies into the bedroom while having sex, imagining that what you have already talked about is actually playing out. If that’s arousing for you and your partner, you might discuss what it would take to make those fantasies real. Discuss whether that is something you both want to do, or if the fantasy is enough.”

Add sexy garments or a striptease element to removing your clothes.

“Let the garments play up what you feel sexiest about, or cover ‘body image areas’ so you feel sexier than usual, or help you bring a role or identity to life,” Queen suggests. “You’ll probably care about whether someone else will find your outfit sexy—but much more important is what you feel sexy wearing.”

Keep the lights on and put on a show.

If you’re seeking the exhibitionistic thrill, then it might be a little harder to do so in the dark. Queens recommends keeping the lights on, getting on top, and putting on a show.

“Be showy, ask your partner to look at you, move, be a tease. Put on an erotic show for your partner; tease, masturbate, etc.,” she says.

Try mutual masturbation.

Queen also recommends trying mutual masturbation, which is when two partners masturbate at the same time, enjoying self-pleasure while watching each other get off. “I love suggesting that both partners masturbate and watch at the same time,” she says. “Just get on either end of the bed and make sure the lights aren’t too dim.”

Try a sex party or group sex scenario.

Once you’ve covered the bases of communication and you’ve incorporated a bit of your exhibitionistic fantasies into the bedroom, then it might be time to take things up a notch.

“Explore a sex party or swingers gathering. Again, choose an appropriate scenario, even if you were just talking about something over-the-top like having sex in the municipal pool. Don’t get in trouble out there, and don’t (as Queen Victoria reportedly said) ‘do it in the street and frighten the horses,'” Queens says.

This could also lead to more intense orgasms or an overall better experience when you do make it back into the bedroom at the end of the night.

The bottom line.

So, now that you have a better understanding of consensual exhibitionism and what it means to be an exhibitionist, what are you going to do with it? The truth is, you don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with.

“If you think you wouldn’t be brave enough to try exhibitionism or worry you wouldn’t like it in real life, that’s OK. A lot of our fantasies live in our minds and bring us plenty of joy without turning them into reality. That doesn’t mean you’re not an exhibitionist at heart,” says Stray Conger.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Leather and Aging

by

Let me begin this column with what some might consider a five-letter word that’s taboo: A-G-I-N-G. I’ve been thinking a fair amount about aging lately, especially as it relates to the leather/BDSM/fetish community.

I have written in this column about leather and aging before (in 2001, 2002, and 2007). But two things have prompted me to revisit the topic. One thing was a conversation I had with several other people at the last in-person leather event I attended in 2020. That was the Mr. Twin Cities Leather contest, the evening of Saturday, Feb. 15th. During conversation after that contest, several people were talking about starting a discussion group for leatherfolk of a certain age. “I’m interested,” I said, “please let me know when it gets going.” And then . . . well, we all know what happened next.

The other thing that has prompted me to think about leather and aging was Patrick Scully’s recent virtual show, “The 3rd Act,” presented by Illusion Theater. In this play Scully asks himself: “Can I embrace becoming old, particularly in this ageist society?” Both Scully’s play and the virtual audience discussion that followed were extremely interesting and thought-provoking. Scully talked about the play as something of a work in progress. If he presents it again, I highly recommend going to see it, whatever your age. (At this writing, a video of the virtual audience discussion is still available online at www.illusiontheater.org/the-3rd-act )

Having hung around the leather/BDSM/fetish community for quite a few years, I have seen a lot of what makes this community tick. One thing that makes it tick is respect for age and experience. This respect is, to a great extent, baked into leather culture— the importance and centrality of mentoring in our community’s culture translates to respect for age and experience.

Those of us who are older, including your humble columnist, still have to deal with ageism in other places. But it’s nice to know that in leather we have to deal with it less.

In some ways age is irrelevant in this community—or, at least, age is not as important as other qualities and aspects of peoples’ character. Young, old, and in-between are all respected and accommodated. One interesting thing about leather is that it decouples chronological age and age in the community, also known as experience. A person who might still be considered young chronologically, but who has been in the community for a long time, may mentor a newcomer who is chronologically older. And that’s no big deal—it’s just the way the community and the culture works.

I think elders are respected more in the leather community than in the general culture. We respect our elders for their stories, their wisdom, their experience, their history, and their perseverance. We seek out our more experienced members for discussion panels and for educational presentations on history, culture, and technique. Many younger members of the community truly understand that they have benefited from their elders’ efforts of blazing new trails. We leatherfolk might have something to teach the general culture about anti-ageism.

Here’s a concrete example of anti-ageism in the leather/BDSM/fetish community: I once attended a workshop on the subject of “geriatric dungeons.” First, the fact that “geriatric dungeons” were even being talked about lends credence to the fact that getting older does not have to mean giving up sexual activity or BDSM activity. Second, talking about “geriatric dungeons” is a mark of respect for older members of the community—the community values them enough to want to include them in dungeon play, and the community is willing to adapt dungeon spaces to make this possible. Third, one of the conclusions of the workshop was that creating dungeons that worked better for more mature players actually meant creating dungeons that worked better for everyone, of any age.

Another example of leather respect for maturity: The Knights of Leather, a Twin Cities- based leather club, hosts an annual run called Tournament. The run is held in a beautiful rustic setting. But some of us who once enjoyed “roughing it” by sleeping in rustic cabins are no longer able to do that.

So for many years Tournament has featured the Elderhostel guest house for some of the more mature people attending the run. For these more mature people, the amenities provided by the Elderhostel make the difference between being able to keep attending Tournament and having to give it up. The existence of the Elderhostel also considerably broadens the age range of people seen at Tournament. Here is one measure of the Elderhostel’s success: There is a waiting list to get in.

The same respect for maturity is evident at leather contests. Every year, for example, the contestants at the International Mr. Leather and International Mr. Bootblack (IML/ IMBB) contests represent a wide range of ages. And I think it’s significant that both the first IML titleholder (David Kloss, IML 1979) and the first International Ms Leather titleholder (Judy Tallwing McCarthy, IMsL 1987) are still relevant and still respected. (I recently saw a virtual presentation by the Leather Archives & Museum in which Tallwing McCarthy shared reminiscences. It was fascinating!) And there are other examples of titleholders from many contests who have stayed involved and relevant in the leather/ BDSM/fetish community over many years.

For my final, and perhaps most personal, example of age being respected in leather, I need look no further than the former leather columnist for the Bay Area Reporter in San Francisco, the legendary Mr. Marcus. He started writing his leather column in 1971 and continued writing his column, and judging leather contests, for the next 38 years. He was still active and relevant when he died in 2009 at age 77.

Everyone is growing older—all the time. May we all, of whatever age, have the blessing of growing older and still staying relevant and respected.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

What Is Shibari?

– Shibari Rope and Shibari Bondage

by Explica .co

Allow me to introduce you to BDSM’s sort-of-similar cousin shibari. You may know it as Japanese rope bondage or by the term “kinbaku,” but it’s a contemporary form of rope bondage that originated in Japan, says sexologist Midori, author of Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage. (The term “shibari” literally means “tying” and kinbaku means “tight binding.”)

This sex practice can be enjoyed by all genders, body types, and sexual orientations, and it’s basically just a really great way to bring healthy communication, trust, and spice into your bedroom game — no matter how kinky you are on the BDSM test.

So with the help of four experts, here’s everything you need to know about the rope bondage that can enhance the hell out of your sex life. Oh, and when you’re ready, pls enjoy these rope bondage sex positions too. Enjoyyyyyy!

Simply put, shibari is the act of tying up a person for aesthetic purposes — maybe in a pretty or intricate pattern, typically by using some form of rope. And while shibari is most often used as a means for sexual pleasure, historically, it’s been used as a form of meditation, relaxation, and trust-building practice between two partners, says sexpert Gabi Levi.

You may remember that the sex practice had a lil cameo on Netflix’s series Too Hot to Handle when the contestants tied each other up, but trust, it goes so much deeper than what the show depicted.

How is it different than regular bondage?

Bondage, in general, can use any kind of restriction — handcuffs, tape, ties, scarves, etc. — but shibari refers exclusively to the practice of using rope, or rope-like material, to bind yourself or partner, says sex educator Rev Rucifer. “Shibari is often not just about the sensation of restriction but also about the intimate connection between the rigger and receiver.”

And while rope bondage is used commonly in BDSM practices anyway, “Shibari stands out for its striking visual aesthetic and emphasis on the emotional and psychological connection between the participants,” says Ryan.

How should you and your partner start if you’re interested in trying shibari?

Like engaging in any new sexual experience, communicating your boundaries and hard limits prior to beginning is a must. “Because rope bondage involves restraint and power dynamics, the person being tied may not express boundaries clearly,” says Ryan. “For that reason, be sure to have a clear discussion beforehand about what you both want out of the experience, what is on and off the table, and how you’ll communicate if there is an issue,” he continues.

It’s worth developing a safe word (like “pineapple” or “red”) that could relay to your partner the scene is going too far or there’s a boundary being crossed. Here are some questions you should ask and answer with your partner beforehand:

What do you look and sound like when things feel good to you? How will I know if you’re having fun? How will I know when I need to change course? What kind of mood or feelings do we want to have while we play (rough, tender, naughty, cared for, etc.)?

Once you have boundaries established, you should get familiar with the basics. Here are some things you’ll need to know in order to get started:

Learn how to tie a “single-column tie” (like a Somerville Bowline) because that’s the foundation of the practice, suggests Ryan. Here’s a video tutorial. Start with a floor tie rather than going straight into suspension, says Rucifer. This ensures that you practice the proper methods before jumping into in-air suspension.Have safety sheers on hand… for obvious reasons.Make sure you have a safe and comfortable space to play. It should be familiar to both parties. The preferred material of rope is jute because it’s a strong natural fiber, but hemp and cotton will work too.

Lastly, educate yourself with videos, resources, books, and anything else you can find on the subject to ensure healthy and safe practices. This rope bottom guide is great if you want to be the person tied up. This website offers general education about shibari from trained educators. And this how-to video can properly get you started if you’re new to this world.

So why should my partner and I try shibari instead of regular bondage?

All BDSM practices require high levels of trust and communication, but for shibari, there’s sometimes a more intimate and emotionally-binding (pun intended) component to it. “The sensation of being tied up is not the sensation of being ‘trapped’ but rather lends itself to the idea of ​​completely letting go of the physical bounds and allowing for that deep, emotional catharsis to take place,” says Levi.

“The play between the power dynamics and the release of control from the bottom to the top creates an intimate dance of trust and connection between partners. This often creates deep emotional connection, sometimes experienced as crying, euphoria or simply a feeling of a deeper connection, ”says Rucifer.

Any tips, tricks, or benefits of trying shibari?

Blindfolds will make everything significantly more fun. “These take the pressure off the new adventurer and enhance the sensation for the person bottoming,” says Midori. Keep things simple and sexy. No need to overcomplicate the ties. Relish in the untying part too — don’t just focus on the aesthetics of tying your partner. “Take your time to savor that — it’s often when the skin and body is really awake to sensuality,” says Midori.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

How to Make Someone With a Foot Fetish Really Happy

Advice for beginners wondering about footjobs, the best angles for showing feet, and the mysterious allure of toe jewelry.

by Sofia Barrett-Ibarria

Have you ever thought of your feet as hot? If you’re like most people, you likely don’t even “think of your feet,” period… unless you’re seeing someone who thinks about feet a lot, and especially in terms of their hotness. If foot fetishes are new for you, your (hot?) feet might suddenly be on your mind more—and you might also be wondering what, exactly, your partner would like you to do with them.

Whether the foot fetishist in your life is a longtime partner or first-time hookup, there are lots of different things you can do with your feet to excite them. Here’s a guide to thrilling someone who’s into feet—specifically, yours.

What to do before you dip your toes into foot fetish play

Learn a little bit about common foot fetishes to reduce your chances of looking surprised or shocked when your partner lets you know what they’re into.

Foot fetishes comprise a broad spectrum of activities and aesthetic preferences. According to Mistress Justine Cross, a professional BDSM consultant and lifestyle dominatrix, the type of foot fetish play someone enjoys usually comes down to hygiene. “Foot fetishes can generally be broken down into two common categories: clean feet and dirty feet,” said Cross. This might overlap with preferences for big feet, small feet, high arches, or certain toe shapes—whether they’re long and thin, rounded and petite, or anything in between or beyond.

“This fetish is so varied that there’s no one-size-fits-all answer” about what gets foot fetishists off, said fetish content creator and producer Bella Vendetta. Some people incorporate feet into their sex life, while others might find feet sexy, but not necessarily want to directly use them for sexual stimulation. Your partner might be happy with just rubbing your bare feet with lotion or oil, admiring your feet in pantyhose, or watching you wiggle your toes while you’re both fully clothed.

Some of the most common things that might turn your partner on include smelling your feet, sucking the toes, or softly stroking and caressing them. Many foot fetishists enjoy feeling their partner’s feet on their face, whether it’s a gentle foot-on-face massage or “trampling,” a form of foot domination known in which one partner lies on the ground and while the other uses their feet to exert a more intense pressure on their face. Trampling can be one aspect of, as Cross explained, how foot fetishes may also intersect with a partner’s preferences around humiliation, physical domination, or other forms of BDSM.

Talk about involving your feet in sex like you’re excited to know more about your partner and try new things with them—because you are!

Your partner may have already told you about their foot fetish, or maybe you’ve noticed that they’re particularly interested in your feet during sex. In any case, “Let them know you’re open to that and that you don’t think it’s weird, and ask a lot of questions about what specifically turns them on,” Vendetta said. 

Even after you let your partner know you’re interested in experimenting, they might still be a little shy about discussing their foot fetish, especially if you’re in a new relationship or just getting to know each other. People are often hesitant to share sexual preferences that might be seen as unusual or deviant, but foot fetishes, in particular, are often uniquely misunderstood: Your partner may worry that you’ll be turned off or grossed out, that you’ll think there’s something wrong with them, or that you’ll reject them.

“Growing up, many of us are told, ‘Feet are dirty, they’re gross, don’t put your feet in my face,’ so that’s the automatic feeling many people get just because we’ve been taught that,” said foot fetish model Sweet Arches. “The best thing is just to drop all judgment and be completely open-minded,” she said, when someone’s telling you what they like about feet, even if it strikes you as unusual (or, yes, even a little grody).

Ask your partner to tell you what they like specifically. If your partner tells you they fantasize about sucking your toes or smelling your feet during sex—or whatever else they like—try a response like, “I’m really glad to know more about what you’re into, and I’m interested to hear about what that might look like for us—how would it work, do you think?” Then, you can talk through what you’d both be comfortable with and excited by before anything actually happens.

Give your feet some love and attention yourself by taking extra care with grooming.

It’s OK to feel a little self-conscious about the appearance of your feet if you’re not used to thinking about them as sexual assets. You might not know what even makes for a sexy-looking foot—and the thing is, it varies! “There’s truly a foot for everybody,” said Sweet Arches. Some people feel turned on by feet that are well-manicured and polished (or not), while others enjoy the look of dirty feet. They might also prefer certain types of shoes, a particular style of socks or panty hose, high arches, or wrinkled soles.

Richard Lennox, a fetish video performer and producer, said his fans often admire his larger foot size, high arch, and long toes that form a peak, while he enjoys a different type of look. “I prefer supple or muscular feet, with shorter toes formed more straight across,” Lennox said. “Everyone has different likes and dislikes.”

Whatever you’re working with can be put to hot use, even if your partner usually has slightly different taste. Especially when, as Arches mentioned, it’s mostly about clean/dirty for a given foot enthusiast. “As someone who actually has a foot fetish, I personally love clean feet, and I love pretty toenails and toe pads,” Arches said. Others, she said, might prefer feet that are sweaty and strong-smelling, though it’s best to keep things clean unless you’re absolutely certain your partner likes them stinky.

Regardless of what your feet naturally look like, keeping them moisturized and otherwise groomed before you do anything with them is generally a good strategy. “Feet cannot be overlooked when it comes to proper care,” said foot fetish model Miss Arcana. “I have a rigorous maintenance routine involving lotions, creams, and pumice stones to keep my feet as soft and callus-free as possible.” You don’t have to spend hours scouring your soles, though—a simple pedicure, either at home or in a salon, and a consistent moisturizing routine will keep your feet looking devastating.

In terms of how to dress up, your partner may let you know that the feet of their dreams are wearing certain kinds of shoes or accessories (like stockings, toe rings, or anklets). If they’re styles that you don’t already own, ask your partner to pick some out for you. If you really want to treat them and can afford it, you can of course pay for them yourself, but otherwise they should consider picking up the tab for anything they’re specifically requesting you wear.

How to put your best foot forward during fetish-centric encounters

Show off your feet as a form of flirtation.

A straightforward and easy way to pique your partner’s interest (and possibly initiate something more) is to just kick off your shoes. “I get requests all the time from fans who want videos of me just hanging out, sitting in normal clothes with my feet in the camera,” said Mistress D, an OnlyFans model and foot fetish content creator.

Seems easy enough—because it is! Strip off your socks and go barefoot when the two of you are hanging out at home, or try resting your feet near your partner while you’re watching TV. You’ll both feel relaxed, comfortable, and maybe a little turned on. 

Flaunting your feet can also be a nice way to subtly flirt with your partner if they’re still feeling shy about talking directly about their foot fetish. “If someone has an idea that their partner has a foot fetish—maybe they’ve caught them looking at their feet, or they’ve shown just any type of interest in their feet—just kick your feet up,” said Arches, though she said it’s usually just really nice to do that as a first move even if you’re more direct with each other: To ease into things, according to Arches, “The first thing you can do is get your foot in their lap.”

When you’re out in public together (or maybe flirting with a foot-friendly hottie from afar,) show off a fresh pedicure in some cute flip flops or sandals, or accessorize with ankle and toe jewelry. “I’m in Florida, where it’s appropriate to wear flip flops and sandals nearly everywhere,” said Lennox. “My eyes often wander if I’m in a restaurant or wherever, and I think, Oh, nice!” Perhaps you, too, might embrace a more Floridian approach to style?

Invite your partner to give you a foot massage.

If you both want to get more physical, have your partner give you a foot massage. “A foot massage helps break the mental barrier many people have that feet are ‘dirty,’” said Lennox—plus it also feels really good for you! While your partner rubs your feet, maintain eye contact and let them know you’re enjoying having your feet touched. You might compliment their technique, tell them how good it feels, or just sit back, relax, and watch them do their thing. 

Asking for a foot rub—or offering one—can provide a natural way to continue the conversation about specific preferences you or your partner might have. “This can be really helpful in a new relationship where maybe all the kinks aren’t fully explored and fleshed out yet,” said Miss Arcana. As your partner rubs your feet, ask your partner how your feet smell, or even how they taste, and whether they’re turned on by that. “If you approach this conversation [in the moment] with more subtlety than just asking, ‘So, what do you like about feet’ [more generally], you might get a better response!” said Mistress D. As she pointed out, “Not many people want to come right out and say they like the smell of your feet!” A foot massage is a great time to check in about what you’re both comfortable doing next, even if that means staying right where you are.

Use your feet during foreplay.

 If things start to become more overtly sexual, you can keep the mood going by focusing on your feet as you start to hook up. Your partner may fantasize about worshipping your feet—kissing, licking, stroking, caressing, sucking your toes, or putting their mouth on your feet. They may also want to feel your feet on their face or different parts of their body. “I like to give a partner detailed instructions for how to lick, kiss and suck my toes, and compare it to how someone might perform oral sex on me,” said Vendetta. She also recommended using your feet like you might use your hands: “You can just explore each other’s body parts!”

Give your partner a footjob.

While foot worship or other kinds of foot play don’t have to lead to anything more, your partner might love feeling your feet on their genitals. If you’re both down, you can stroke their genitals with lubed feet—also known as a footjob. To do this, turn your feet inward, as if you’re imitating hands in a prayer position. Keep your soles pressed together while you grip, and slide along the length of your partner’s genitals.

Water-based lube generally works best, and you’ll want to keep a towel handy for easy cleanup and safety. “You don’t want anyone to traipse into the bathroom with lubed-up feet,” said Lennox. “Either you’ll have hard-to-remove wet footprints in your carpet and fuzzy feet, or a slip and fall incident on wood or tile floors.”

Your partner might also be interested in having you insert a toe into one of their orifices. Start slow—maybe exploring with your fingers first—and use plenty of lube, which will feel great for your partner while helping prevent potential cuts or scrapes. Clean feet and toes are especially crucial if there’s a chance they might be going inside someone’s body. “Make sure the nails are closely trimmed and hygienic, no fungus at all,” said Lennox. “A scrape can turn into an infection. Probably easy enough to treat, but do you really want to tell that story to your doctor?”

Take nudes or lewds including your feet—and master “the pose.”

Whether you live with your foot-loving partner or you’re just getting to know a new fox, sending a sexy photo or video of your feet lets your partner know that you really want to turn them on in this particular way. Top-down photos of your toes work, though your partner might also appreciate an angle that includes your face and some bright, warm lighting. (“Natural light or even a ring light will make a huge difference,” said Miss Arcana.)

“I personally love to include my face and have my toes just right up front on camera,” said Arches. “That way, they get a feel that you’re into it and your cute little feet are in front, too. They get the full picture.”

From there, “There are so many possible positions you could try,” said Mistress D. She listed an array of options, including crossing your feet, putting one on top of the other, or posing them side by side. A few variations on these, like flexing the toes, curling them together tightly to create wrinkles in the soles, or pointing the big toe upward in a “thumbs up” can also add some variety. If your partner enjoys seeing your feet in high heels, you might also try slipping on a pair that shows off the small space between your toes, or “toe cleavage.” a bit of toe cleavage, or the space between your toes.

Your partner might enjoy a view from behind, with your butt resting on the soles of your feet. If a video is more their speed, see if they want to watch you spread your toes as wide as possible, or scrunching them in toward the soles. Practice a few different angles and positions and see which your partner is enthusiastic about.

If you still feel like you’re not sure your approach is working, Miss Arcana recommended “the pose,” which she described as a surefire smash hit among most foot fetishists. “It’s the best go-to pose that any beginner can do,” she said. “Lay on your stomach, bend at the knees, and bring your feet up in the air behind you. Now, you have the perfect position to show your face with your feet mischievously teasing in the background!”

 Whatever you do, though, your partner is going to be excited that you’re trying to begin with! “You don’t have to stress about the actual ‘pose’ too much,” said Miss Arcana. Remember that photos and videos, like actual foot-based action, are about pleasure, not perfection!

As in all aspects of newly involving yourself in someone else’s fetish, there’s no need to expect that you’ll immediately know each and every one of its particulars the moment you get started. Your partner will likely be incredibly stoked (and turned on!) that you’re interested in making their fetish a part of your sex life just in that fact alone, and you’ll figure the rest out together as you go. As Miss Arcana put it: “Just put your best foot forward with every attempt, and have fun.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Where do fetishes come from?

By Kellie Scott

“A baseball cap and it has to be worn backwards,” the 40-year-old from Sydney says.

It all started as a teen, when she saw a classmate wearing one while playing footy.

“It just kind of ignited something inside of me.”

When Nadia became sexually active, the fetish became more obvious. Seeing a man wearing a backwards cap gave her goosebumps.

“I [would] get chills. I found it really hard to resist.”

Knowing how many people have fetishesis difficult to gauge because of the sense of shame some can feel around disclosing sexual behaviour, says Dr Sarah Ashton, a sexologist and psychologist.

But Dr Ashton says there is huge diversity in fetish behavior and preferences.

Not everyone is clear on what makes something a fetish, and we can feel alone with our sexual interests in a society that tends to shame anything outside the “norm”.

What is a fetish?

A fetish involves arousal to an inanimate object or a specific target, says Dr Ashton.

“Usually a body part that’s not a genital, or an object.”

As opposed to a preference for something, like clean sheets or chocolate ice cream, a fetish has a stronger connection to sexual arousal.

“There is more reinforcement between the parts of our brain that are involved in arousal and orgasm, and the object or target that you’re talking about,” Dr Ashton says.

“If you’re talking about a preference, then the connection would be weaker.”

Dr Ashton commonly hears about fetishes related to clothing, like shoes and stockings, or textures, like PVC and latex.

But she says the list is long: “If you can think of it, then people probably have a fetish of it.”

A comprehensive study from 2007on the prevalence of different fetishes found preferences for body parts or features and for objects usually associated with the body were most common (33 per cent and 30 per cent, respectively).

That was followed by preferences for other people’s behaviour (18 per cent), own behaviour (7 per cent), social behaviour (7 per cent) and objects unrelated to the body (5 per cent).

Feet and objects associated with feet were the most common target.

What causes fetishes?

Staying with feet for a moment, why are they such a common fetish target?

Anisa Varasteh, a clinical sexologist based in Adelaide, says that’s difficult to determine.

She says fetishes are multi-sensory experiences. And because there are so many different reasons people find certain fetishes arousing (for example, one person might like feet for the visual element, another for what they represent to them) it’s hard to say what the origin might be.

But one of the most commonly referenced theories is Pavlovian conditioning.

“One study [on this theory] showed heterosexual men images of boots followed by pictures of naked women,” Ms Varasteh says.

“Repeating this process over time, the men showed sexual arousal by just being shown pictures of the boots.”

Dr Ashton says fetishes can alsobe linked to experiences someone has had early in life.

“Because people might first experience some form of arousal early on in their childhood and they are small people, they might be close to feet and there might be some random association between their experience of arousal and feet.”

Neen has been into various forms of kink, and the bondage and discipline parts of BDSM for 30 years.

They have a fetish for shoes, which they first noticed at a kink show.

“My first attraction was the costuming, the corsets and the shoes,” the 50-year-old says.

“An incredible heel on an attractive person, but non-binary, cisgendered or not, or trans, does something to the shape of a person’s body and the way that they stand and how they hold themselves.”

For Neen, it’s also about the quality and shape of the shoe.

They experienced abuseas a child and used to wonder if this played a role in their fetish.

“I’ve had moments where I’ve been really uncomfortable within myself, as to why I might like something.

“[But] as I’ve grown older and understood myself more, I’ve understood where the majority of my sexual preference and sexual fetish comes from, or where it’s anchored, and I’m really comfortable with it now.”

How fetishes can improve sex

Nadia doesn’t always ask her sexual partners to wear a backwards cap. But it does intensify sex for her.

“I don’t want to say that the baseball cap is not negotiable. For me the idea of the cap is something I like to include, because I find that for me, for whatever reason, it sparks a higher sex drive.

“I’ll find that most times it’ll be something that can kind of heighten the process. So when I find that I’m really in that moment, I will ask them to wear it just because I think for me it adds another level of intensity.”

Some partners have quizzed Nadia on her fetish, while others wear the cap without question.

“They’ll see the change in me and they’ll kind of get excited by that — even though they don’t understand it.”

Ms Varasteh says embracing parts of ourselves that we might otherwise push away due to feelings of shame is the first step to integrating them into our lives and “being more functional”.

Is it OK to have a fetish?

Fetishes are only harmful if they cause distress to the individual.

That could be classed as fetishistic disorder under the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5).

If there are other individuals involved, it’s important fetishes are only acted upon with their enthusiastic consent.

Dr Ashton says if it’s causing harm to you or other people, you might want support from a sexual health professional to reduce or redirect the arousal.

“For example, if someone has a fetish for denim, and every time they see someone wearing a pair of jeans when they’re walking around in public, they become aroused.

“Depending on whether or not you have a vulva or a penis …that could be pretty distressing.”

But otherwise, fetishes are healthy and we should encourage people to explore what feels good for them in a way that is safe, says Dr Ashton.

“We live in a culture that doesn’t really speak much about fetish and that tends to shame anything that’s outside of the spectrum of what is perceived as normal.

“But really what we know about sex and sexuality and things that people find arousing is that there’s just so much diversity.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

How to have sex outside

— plus, the best positions for outdoor fun

Have fun and exciting outdoor sex, with these expert top tips

By

Ever considered embracing the fresh air and having sex outdoors? You’re not alone. According to Google, searches for alfresco sex jumped to new heights in 2020, particularly in May. Perhaps the arrival of spring elicits new feelings of friskiness, but it’s worth noting that people enjoy having sex outside for many different reasons. 

If you’re already tried all the best vibrators, experimented with bondage or indulged in your sexual fantasies, sex outdoors could be a new and exciting experience for you and your partner. For some, the risk of being caught is the biggest pull. For others, sex outside could simply be a more logistically sound option than hooking up at home where privacy might be a luxury. But, for many, it’s a fun new way to mix up their sex life. 

“Fresh air and sunshine make us feel great, so it’s easy to see how a walk in the park could turn into a romp in the bushes,” says Renèe, a sex expert at Sh! Women’s Store. “The thrill of getting caught adds an extra frizz, and if you’re a person with an adventurous streak, outdoor sex might be on your sexual bucket list. For most couples, though, it’s a case of getting carried away.” 

Whatever the reason, you should be fully prepared if you want to have great sex outdoors. 

1. Have the conversation 

First things first, open up the idea of sex outside with your partner. “This conversation is best had when you’re both sharing fantasies and talking about sexy things you’d like to try together. You could say something like: ‘I’ve always wanted to try sex outdoors’ and see how they react,” says Renèe. “Don’t take it personally if they’re not immediately jumping on the idea; they might need some time to think about it. You want them to be as keen as you are, so give them time to mull it over and fantasize about it.”

You should also both discuss the possible outcomes of your outdoor fun. In most US states, public sex is a misdemeanor crime. Some state laws explicitly criminalize public sexual activity whereas elsewhere, laws are broader and cover a variety of indecent acts in a public setting, not limited to sex and sex acts. Most states carry a sentence of up to one year in prison and a fine if you’re arrested. But then again, depending on which state you’re in, loopholes exist such as having sex in a car which technically isn’t a public place.

In the UK if you’re caught having sex outside you could be charged with a sexual offense and added to the list of registered sexual offenders, says Julia Margo, Co-Founder of Hot Octopuss.

Wherever you are, brush up on the laws in your area and discuss these with your partner.

2. Pick the right spot

Outdoor sex is exhilarating, whether you’re spicing up a sexless marriage or just want to try something new with your partner, but finding the right spot to have public sex is key.

A secluded area where you won’t be disturbed is the best bet, but sex writer Andy Jones offers a happy medium for beginners. “If you’re new to outdoor romance, start small,” he says. “The best place to make your outdoor sex debut is your car. It basically has a bed, music and – if you dim them – some ambient lighting. Positions are fairly limited, but you can afford to go slow, you’ll never get cold and you can make a quick escape if you need to.”

Alternatively, if you’re ready to embrace the wilderness, consider where might be the best type of outdoor spot for you and your partner. “Best practice is to choose an area with little to no foot traffic,” says Julia. “That can be an abandoned building, a hiking trail – avoid high traffic times like weekends – or even a community garden, after hours, of course.”

3. Be mindful of personal safety

Whether with a long-term partner or a new love interest, outdoor sex comes with personal safety risks.

During sex, we make ourselves vulnerable, so it’s important to consider you and your partner’s safety before you get started. Be aware of how safe the area is, especially after dark. It’s also best not to be under the influence when you’re having sex outside for the first time, especially with a new partner, as this can compromise your judgment and reactions.

Some people who enjoy outdoor sex take part in dogging or cruising, the act of meeting other people, sometimes strangers they’ve met on sex apps, to have sex outdoors or in cars at specific locations. If you’d like to try it out for yourself, it’s not advised to attend these meet-ups on your own. Personal safety shouldn’t have to be an issue when exploring your sexuality, but unfortunately, women are statistically at greater risk of assault or violence than men when visiting dogging sites, so it’s best to take someone along with you or drop your location to a friend and have them wait for you nearby.

4. Be prepared

Dress to get undressed and then to get dressed again quickly. Easy access is the key when planning an outdoor adventure. Consider the effectiveness of skirts and dresses over the likes of one-pieces or pantyhose and opt for layers that you can slip back on should you need to dress again in a hurry. “Logistics-wise, regardless of gender, a skirt will make downstairs activity more accessible for everyone,” says Julia. “Ditch the underwear in advance and bring a plastic bag, or better yet, a reusable container, for responsibly transporting used condoms and toys home with you.”

If going commando isn’t your thing, there are other options to make sex outdoors more accessible. “Crotchless panties were made for outdoor sex,” says Renèe.

It’s a good idea to bring food and drink along for refueling after a sexy outdoor session, but a picnic also works well as a cover. After all, who would suspect innocent picnickers of anything untoward? “Always take a picnic and a blanket,” says Andy. “It gives you at least half a reason to be there if you are spotted and, if you pack champagne and strawberries it can only add to the romance. The blanket is essential for providing cover in an emergency, but it also provides protection against snagged knees and ricked backs. If you’re being really thorough with your cover story, binoculars can help you spot if people are coming but also make it look like you are on a nature trail.”

While you might be nervous about getting caught and keen to get straight to it, consider how teasing and kissing can elevate the mood. Slowly building up to something that’s considered slightly taboo will not only make it seem more physically exciting but will stimulate you mentally, too. Try telling your partner what you plan to do and use your hands and toys while things heat up. Oral sex up against a tree or lying in long grass can be great but it’s worth bearing in mind that if you’re spotted, this can be highly offensive for onlookers. Again, easy access clothing is the key here and with the right outfit, using hands, tongues and toys becomes much easier.

“Be prepared to adjust what you are normally into,” says Andy. “For example, spooning together in the long grass can work well but if you pick a location that’s too public, ‘from behind’ is bound to get you noticed.” Sex outside, especially if it’s your debut, isn’t the ideal moment to try something new and what you can get away with really depends on how private you can be in the spot you’ve chosen.

“The best sex positions for sex outside allow you to get up and away easily. A seated cowgirl is good if you come across a bench. Standing against a tree is a classic and a standing doggy-style also works really well,” says Renèe.

If standing up isn’t an option, perhaps because of height differences or leg pain, finding a spot among the bushes or long grass is a winning combination with a simple missionary or cowgirl position.

Above all, when it comes to sex outside remember to relax, enjoy yourself and have fun with it. Now you know all the rules and every trick in the book, you can embrace your ecosexual side with no problems.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

A beginner’s guide to bondage

— and how to introduce the idea to your partner

Curious about bondage, but not sure if it’s right for you? Here’s everything you need to know and more…

by

Bondage: one of the biggest buzzwords in the world of sex, but is it really all whips, chains and latex wearing dominatrix’s in dungeons? 

For those who haven’t delved into the world of bondage before, the thought of it may seem daunting, considering pornographic depictions tend to involve some pretty extreme acts. However, since the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon, public interest in bondage has been on the rise and it seems more couples than ever are engaging in everything from restraints and blindfolds to full-time dominant/submissive relationships. 

Just like introducing your best vibrator into the bedroom, approaching the conversation of trying bondage with your partner can seem overwhelming. But having an open and honest conversation about your sexual fantasies and how you both can bring them to life is easier than you might think. Plus, it could reignite the spark in a sexless marriage or help you bond with your other half.

To help you explore this type of sex play, we spoke to the experts who shared everything you need to know about bondage for beginners, with top tips for introducing the idea to your partner…

What is bondage?

Sex-positive relationships therapist, Sarah Berry, describes bondage as “consensually tying, binding or restraining someone. It’s anything that can restrict movement, whether it’s a dressing gown belt tying limbs to bedposts, handcuffs, a corset or a vacbed”.

Jess Wilde, bondage expert at Lovehoney, adds that bondage falls under the umbrella term Power Play where one partner takes on a dominant role while the other becomes the submissive.

Jess stresses that bondage and rough sex are totally different, and in fact, bondage can be very romantic. “Lots of bondage play is not rough at all and is often extremely slow and sensual. The only similarities between bondage and rough sex are that both acts should be explicitly discussed with clear boundaries agreed upon before play, and you should always settle upon a safe word before either type of sex,” Jess says.

Why is bondage so popular?

While bondage has been around for centuries, thanks to mainstream film, TV and books, bondage is more popular than ever. Research by Durex found that 53% of us see the benefits of experimenting through role-play, sensual massage or bondage.

There are lots of reasons people enjoy bondage, from the general feel-good factor of restriction to the element of power exchange.

“It might be because the restriction feels good in itself, for aesthetic reasons, to carry out a certain action or for power exchange,” says Sarah.

While some people who engage in BDSM might be more involved in the kink community and enjoy going to sex clubs or being flogged in a Christian Grey-style Red Room, for many it’s seen as a fun way to experiment with their sexual partners and strengthen their bond.

What’s more, for many, bondage is about much more than sex. Sex play can be a way to process trauma, reconnect with your body and sensuality, and find a sense of order and purpose in a world that can be chaotic and confusing.  

What are the rules of bondage?

There is really only one universal rule – bondage should always be safe and consensual.

While bondage is a great way to explore your boundaries and discover new realms of pleasure, it’s essential this is done safely and that you and your partner communicate about what you do and don’t feel comfortable trying. 

“A safe word is something the submissive partner (the one who’s restrained) can use at any time to stop play immediately and tells the Dominant partner (the one doing the tying) that they want to be released,” Jess explains. “Your safe word can be anything you like as long as you’ve both agreed on it before play. The best ones are short, easy to say, and easy to remember. It should stand out like a sore thumb in the middle of sex. A personal favorite is “GANDALF!””

When it comes to boundaries, you and your partner should discuss anything you don’t want to happen so they know exactly what is off the table during play.

The restrained person should never be left unattended, even if the Dominant is just leaving the room for a few moments. And restraints should never be too tight that they end up cutting off circulation.

Sarah also advises against drinking alcohol when experimenting with bondage, and as a safety precaution, have medical scissors on hand for a quick way to release restraints if necessary.

It’s also incredibly important to follow up with aftercare when play ends.

“During bondage play, one partner dominates the other, which is super arousing and exciting in that moment but can leave one or both of you feeling uncertain after it’s all over,” Jess explains.

This is known as the sub-drop and can happen when the submissive partner feels the endorphins wear off when playtime has finished and they start to feel lonely or sad.

“Bondage aftercare is the process of reassuring your partner that you care for them. Lots of hugs, loving touches and an open chat about the experience you’ve just shared are great ways to do this,” Jess advises.

How do I talk to my partner about bondage?

Keen to give bondage and try but not sure how to approach the idea with your partner? Sometimes it’s easier to show rather than tell. If your partner is comfortable with it, you could show them videos of the different bondage play you’d like to try out.

Porn for women is a great way to introduce your partner to different types of play for female pleasure, there are also hundreds of YouTube videos explaining the different aspects of bondage that will help open up the conversation with your partner. You can then discuss what you’re both interested in trying and encourage them to share their fantasies with you too.

Once you’ve talked about what you’re both interested in trying, discussed your boundaries and agreed on a safe word, the fun can really begin.

What do I need for bondage?

You can start bondage play using household items like a tie or a dressing gown waist tie as restraints, but if you want to invest in play you won’t be short of sex toys to buy.

The market is full of toys for bondage play, from rabbit vibrators to handcuffs and blindfolds. Brands like Adam & Eve and Love Honey sell bondage sets for beginners which include the basics such as, blindfolds, handcuffs, ballgags and whips.

While you don’t need a kit to get started, it does remove the pressure of deciding what type of restraint to try out first. Handcuffs and blindfolds are a great place to start as they’re easily removed and not too restrictive. Ideal for first-times who may be a little apprehensive about getting stuck in the restraints.

To begin with, Jess advises avoiding rope or bondage tape which can damage the skin if not used correctly. “Instead, opt for soft, Velcro-fastened wrist cuffs that offer comfy, reliable restraint, and can be removed in a jiffy if required,” she says.

“Start small, and focus restraint on one area of the body to begin with (eg wrists OR ankles),” Jess adds. “And, if you both like that, then you can build to more advanced restraint where arms and legs are cuffed at the same time.”

Once you get to grips with the basics and discover what you like, you can explore bondage sex toys further. For instance, if you or your partner are particularly keen on being handcuffed, you can look into other types of restraints such as rope, collars or hog ties.

Feeling comfortable and confident is a sure-fire way to boost your enjoyment, so treat yourself to some new lingerie to get you in the mood, too. It doesn’t have to be leather or latex – choose something that makes you feel sexy, comfortable and ready to experiment.

How do I choose submissive and dominant?

Once you and your partner have decided to explore bondage together, your next thought might be which one of you should play as submissive and which as dominant. But, the brilliant thing about bondage, is you don’t have to be one of the other. Play is for everyone who consents and there are so many ways you can explore bondage, domination and submission.

Don’t let the stereotypical, heteronormative depictions of BDSM put you off from what could open up a whole new world of excitement and self-discovery. It can be fun to switch things up with your partner and play different roles every time.

The world of BDSM is for all sexualities and gender identities, and bondage can even provide a unique sensory experience for those who don’t want to engage in penetrative sex itself.

“How you play is a matter of personal preference. To figure this out, talk with your partner before play and remember: the sub is the one who’s actually in control at all times. Although the dom may guide play, the sub calls the shots, and decides when play is over,” Jess says.

What’s next for your sex life after bondage?

If you’ve enjoyed bondage and want to take things to the next level, Jess suggests adding sensory play into the mix with spanking.

“Spanking can be enjoyed with or without bondage (in the same way bondage can be enjoyed without spanking). Because spanking is still a form of Power Play, it has many of the same rules as bondage in order to keep play fun and safe,” Jess says.

“For couples who’ve agreed they’d like to try spanking, it’s important that you build intensity slowly,” Jess adds. “Start with a light tap, and build how hard you hit to find the right sensation for your sub. Some people like their spanking with some pain, but for many, spanking isn’t painful at all. Lots of people enjoy spanking for the psychological thrill of being dominated or dominating someone.”

Start with your hand first before bringing any toys into the bedroom. “Using your hand enables you to control how hard you spank as you can feel the impact too. If you’re both happy with this and decide you’d like to try using a spanking tool, a beginner-friendly spanking paddle is the best place to start,” Jess says.

When you’re new to bondage the most important thing to remember is that it should be fun! Bondage is play that should be enjoyed by both you and your partner. It should bring a new level of excitement to the bedroom and be a positive sexual experience for you both.

So get those cuffs out, and explore everything bondage and the wider BDSM world has to offer.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Kink vs. Fetish

— A Sex Therapist Lays Out the Difference

By PureWow Editors

You read 50 Shades of Grey. You own a vibrator. You know what a kink is…or do you? We tapped a sex therapist to talk all things kink vs fetish in case you want to explore one—or both—in the bedroom. Strap yourself in, because it’s about to get steamy. 

So, what exactly is a kink?

“A kink is something sexual that someone likes to do with themselves or consensually with partners,” says Rosara Torrisi, PhD from the Long Island Institute of Sex Therapy. “This is usually something considered outside of mainstream sexual activities.” A kink usually brings extra erotic energy to a sexual encounter, explains Torrisi (think: BDSM, role play or polyamory).

It’s worth nothing, however, that what’s considered kinky is subjective. Case in point: While your mother-in-law might think that sex toys are kinky, your bestie considers them pretty vanilla.

Got it. So, what is a fetish?

A fetish is similar to a kink, but the difference is that something is a fetish when it MUST be present in order for the person to achieve sexual arousal or enjoyment. This can be an act (like having sex in public) or an object (like feet). The important thing to remember here is that a fetish is something that the person cannot get aroused without—for some people simply fantasizing about the fetish can be enough while others may need to actually engage with the object or behavior in some way.

Wait, so what’s the difference between kink and fetish exactly?

There can definitely be some overlap between a kink and a fetish so we understand the confusion. Dr. Torrisi breaks down the difference as “whether it’s something someone likes to do or if it’s something someone has to do in order to have sexual pleasure.”

Here’s an example: If one night in bed, you accidentally hear your neighbors going at it and it turns you on, that’s kinky. But, if you need to listen to or watch others having sex in order to feel aroused then that’s a fetish.

How can you explore kinks and fetishes safely?

“Two of the most important things about exploring kinks and fetishes are consent and safety planning,” says Torrisi. That means finding a partner that you can trust and doing your research (like learning how to properly tie a knot, for example). Keep the acronym RACK in mind, which is not a fetish but instead stands for “risk aware consensual kink.” It’s a term used in the kink community to make sure that all parties are comfortable and safe.

“There are really great resources from folks who work professionally with kinks and fetishes,” says Torrisi. She recommends checking out La Maison du Rouge for products, educators, research and more. “Joining a community to learn more about how to safely explore kinks and fetishes is also important,” she adds.

If you are experiencing distress about any kink or fetish, reaching out to a sex therapist could be helpful.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

How BDSM Can Help With Pandemic Fatigue

By Gigi Engle

We are all experiencing pandemic fatigue. Whether you’re coping well or poorly, you’re still coping. And because the world is drenched in stress, developing effective coping mechanisms has never been more important.

Enter BDSM.

While I hate to bring up the most obvious examples, Fifty Shades of Grey and Netflix’s 365 Days and Bonding have successfully catapulted BDSM into the mainstream and, while seriously problematic in their own ways, these popular Hollywood-style depictions of kink have allowed what was once a seemingly fringe sexual practice to bloom in the open. People are really feeling kink right now. New research conducted by psychologist Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., suggests that nearly half of Americans have tried some sort of bondage or power play in bed.

Considering the psychological dynamics involved in BDSM play, it isn’t a far reach to see how BDSM could help people cope with pandemic stress. Pandemic fatigue is enough to test even the strongest of relationships. Anything (within reason) that can help us cope with stress can and should be utilized right now. Practitioners of kink will be the first to tell you that BDSM reduces stress and anxiety and improves communication—all of which is crucial to maintaining relationships during difficult times. “BDSM play, during this pandemic, would be a great way to achieve decreased stress while creating a delicious distraction to outside-world concerns and an opportunity to work on your relational connection,” Kristine D’Angelo, a certified sexologist, tells TheBody.

Everywhere you look, sex experts are suggesting people try new sex stuff as a way to gain closeness with a partner. Working on increased connection and intimacy is certainly more appealing than relationship estrangement.

Long story short, now is an optimal time to get kinky. It can really change your sex life and open up new relationship dynamics for lots of people. Open your mind, guys. You don’t need to go buy a bespoke corset or a full set of restraints. You can easily tie someone up using a loose T-shirt or spank them with a wooden kitchen spoon. Kink is for everyone and anyone who wants to try it.

What BDSM Is (and What It Isn’t)

BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadomasochism. You may be picturing whips, chains, and ball gags right now. While these tools can be used in this kind of play, they aren’t required. What BDSM really comes down to is control. It’s a desire to give up or receive control over someone. There is something deeply sensual about this giving and receiving—this complete power exchange.

What BDSM is: a safe and consensual sexual practice. What it is not: dangerous and for people who want to cause harm to others.

Let’s get one thing very clear: There is nothing wrong with you if you want to try BDSM. You’re probably just a person with a rich fantasy life—and we should celebrate that. According to a 2008 study, those who engage in BDSM are no more depraved or psychologically “damaged” than anyone else.

BDSM is a really fun way to try out different roles, whether dominant, submissive, or both. It can involve pain or it can not. It’s a totally customizable experience that you get to create with your partner. There is no wrong way to play—as long as everything is negotiated and safe, both physically and emotionally. Communication is a cornerstone of this practice.

Kink and Stress Release

One of the biggest reasons kinky folks love BDSM play is because of its tension-relieving effects. For instance, when you spend all day bossing people around at your day job, it can be very liberating to have a lover tell you what to do or give you a spanking. “Many people enjoy the BDSM lifestyle because it provides them with a way to escape into their ‘happy place.’ It’s been scientifically proven that the endorphins and other neurochemicals released while participating in BDSM are mood enhancers,” Angel Rios, a sexpert at AdultFriendFinder, the world’s largest sex and swinger community, tells TheBody.

We’re in the midst of a pandemic. If a new, fun way of exploring sexuality with your partner can offer up a bit of mental decompression, that sounds like a real win. “BDSM play provides a little escape from reality. A session can take you out of a state of mind which may be focused on survival in troubling times,” Daniel Saynt, founder and chief conspirator of the New Society for Wellness (NSFW), a members-only club focused on kink, tells TheBody. “You can focus on yourselves and the pleasures you can derive even in the most hopeless situations.”

Before You Get Started, There Are Some Things You Should Know

Before you go tying your partner up and having a free-for-all, you need to get really clear on the basics of consent and negotiation and commit yourself to doing proper research in advance of trying anything too intense. You don’t want to go spanking someone with the fury of a thousand suns if you don’t know how to properly spank someone in a way that won’t cause damage. Likewise, you don’t want to tie someone to the bed only to realize you’re cutting off circulation to your partner’s hands. These practices are very fun and very safe if done correctly. But, that takes sharpening your skills.

Luckily, the internet can provide plenty of articles, online workshops, and videos to help you on your kinky journey.

Saynt suggests checking out videos and workshops from Jet Setting Jasmine and King Noire, two staples of the kinky community, who have taken their rigorous BDSM skills to the online space. You can also check out Sunny Megatron’s four-part video series on YouTube called BDSM 101. For some reading, check out The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play, and the Erotic Edge by Tristan Taormino.

Even the act of learning about BDSM can be a form of foreplay and stress release—and it’ll give you something to do on those particularly dull and frustrating pandemic nights. We’re all a bit on edge right now. Make the most of it, and turn up the heat.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

“Kink” Confronts the Challenge of Turning Sex Into Literature

A perhaps irreconcilable tension exists between a good story about kink and a good story about what kink means.

By Katy Waldman

“I’ve been kneeling here about ten minutes in the sheer black blouse, the crotchless panties. I don’t dare get up long enough to check my makeup. My back is straight, and my palms and cunt are trembly. The motion-sensor light outside the house blinks on, and then the door swings open.” So begins a scene from “Emotional Technologies,” by Chris Kraus, one of the fifteen stories rounded up in “Kink,” a new anthology of literary fiction. The book mostly interprets kink—nontraditional sexual preference—to mean B.D.S.M., with a smattering of polyamory (and, puzzlingly, liaisons between trans or fluidly gendered people). “Literary fiction,” meanwhile, is a publicist’s phrase. Here, it nods to the reputation of the volume’s editors, R. O. Kwon and Garth Greenwell, and to the prestige of its contributors, who include Alexander Chee, Carmen Maria Machado, and Brandon Taylor. (Skimming the table of contents conjured, for me, the entrance to some publishing gala where place cards inscribed with gold calligraphy rest on white tablecloths.) In an introduction, the editors write of their hope to address kink as “a complex, psychologically rich act of communication” that raises “questions of power, agency, identity.” The stories, in other words, should do more than titillate. They should edify, challenge; they should buy you dinner.

That’s the goal. In reality, the tales sit at various intersections of smolder and technical accomplishment. Many do exert an indirectness or subtlety that bends the straight line from longing to gratification. Of these entries, some are arresting—the characters precise, the language invitingly lush—and some are inert. Several contributions evoke erotica, and a few manage to be both sexy and illuminating, although too much thoughtful interrogation can diminish the sex, like explaining a joke. What becomes clear is that a perhaps irreconcilable tension exists between a good story about kink and a good story about what kink means.

Consider Kraus’s entry, which I loved for the way it presses the hard edge of theory against the body’s soft surface. Dom-sub performance is “a bit like what Ezra Pound imagined the Noh drama of Japan to be,” she writes, “a paradox in which originality is attained only through compliance with tradition.” Kraus argues that sadomasochism takes the rituals of courtship literally: “How many times have I, has every heterosexual female in this culture, spent evenings mooning around our houses and apartments, psychically stripped bare and on our knees while waiting for ‘his’ call?” But if rote or prescribed gestures can paradoxically confer freedom, they also brighten the challenge of crafting “literature” out of kink. For Kraus, the sadomasochistic encounter represents a “mythic text,” in which psychological dynamics become externalized: “everything’s direct and on the surface . . . the master and the slave, the monster and the slut.” Stories that cut, as many of “Kink” ’s do, in the other direction—toward metaphor, subtext, an interior world—conform to our idea of good fiction, but they also seem to waste an opportunity to explore kink as an aesthetic.

Of course, there are myriad sensibilities that might read as kinky, just as there are myriad ways to define kink. But the book doesn’t offer precise definitions of its subject, and so its aesthetics are also imprecise, defaulting often to a diligent seriousness. Mainly, the book bestows visibility: on unconventional desires, on the authors who depict them. Here is a married couple—an ex-Catholic woman and her vanilla husband—who arrange a session with a dominatrix; here is a sex worker, with her “long, black, dark, and lovely wig,” and the boyish client who calls her “Ma’am” before he sucks her cock; here is a divorced gallery curator who, wooing his girlfriend at a KinkFest convention, conceals a history of experimentation with his cousin. You might secretly wait and hope for the acknowledgment of your own proclivity—who wouldn’t—but it’s also pretty clear that part of the book’s allure flows from what could (charitably) be called curiosity, or (uncharitably) voyeurism. This isn’t unique to “Kink,” of course. On some level, to read anything is to press your face to the keyhole of other people’s fantasies.

What you see, in this case, is how kink can be used to connect, invent, play, or hide, to deflect real vulnerability with a staged submission. The collection’s strongest stories, remembering that sex also takes place in the brain, twist the mental and the physical into a Möbius strip. In “The Cure,” by Melissa Febos, a depressive character releases herself from worrying about her lover’s comfort, unceremoniously sending him away whenever he uses poor kissing technique or expects too much tenderness. The scenes of intercourse are spare and efficient. It is not until afterward, when the woman is alone, that a warmth and lyricism enter the prose: “the orgasm was deep and silent, the kind that opens a room in the body and then fills it with light.” Taylor’s story, “Oh, Youth,” seems almost to glisten with physical craving. It’s set in a place of manicured beauty, with pools and lawns and terraces, and the narrator is alert to both his and his friends’ bodies, noticing their nostrils, nails, sacra, the fine hair on their forearms. But, as with Roxane Gay’s similarly sensual contribution, the story’s real drama is psychological. Both authors explore the humiliation of loving others, and what patience and privacy those others are owed.

The obligations that intimacy creates form a surprising through line in “Kink.” For all its raunch, the book is very much a study of trust. Greenwell’s story, “Gospodar”—which also appears in his novel-in-stories “Cleanness,” from 2020—speaks from the wreckage of that trust. After the narrator meets up with another man, the interaction careens, at first imperceptibly but then unstoppably, from stimulating to predatory. The story’s work is to show how blurry the edge between appropriate and inappropriate behavior—an edge defined entirely by consent—can seem from without, and yet how undeniable its violation feels to the lover, who is now, also, a survivor. But Greenwell’s narrator—his survivor—does not settle for long in this new identity. Having escaped, bleeding and weeping, into the street, he uneasily imagines the moment in which his boundaries will again disappear: “I felt with a new fear how little sense of myself I have, how there was no end to what I could want or to the punishment I would seek.”< Greenwell demonstrates how the extremity—the perceived borderlessness—of sadomasochistic practice can be used to justify harm. But, reading “Kink,” I started to think not just about the perimeters of acceptable actions but about the perimeters of authorized feeling. For centuries, literature has been considered a realm of exquisite and epic emotions: love, hate, joy, grief. In her 2005 book, “Ugly Feelings,” however, the critic Sianne Ngai argues that contemporary fiction deserves recognition for evoking such “unprestigious feelings” as irritation and anxiety. “Kink” almost reads as a continuation of this project, a bid to add lust or arousal to the suite of celebrated “literary” responses. (In this, the editors honor a long lineage of writers, from the Marquis de Sade to Mary Gaitskill.) The point is not to perfectly elucidate kink as a concept but to lower the drawbridge of literary value—to the unapologetically porny “Best Friendster Date Ever,” by Chee (which previously appeared in “The Best American Erotica 2007”); to the prickly, seductive “Safeword,” by Kwon (which was published, in 2017, in Playboy); to “The Lost Performance of the High Priestess of the Temple of Horror,” by Machado, a tale as indebted to bodice rippers as it is to the velvet butcheries of Angela Carter.

In some cases, the recognition is overdue. And yet I would be remiss if I did not mention that several of the stories in “Kink” are abysmally bad. You can pursue the causes, consequences, and metaphors of B.D.S.M. so studiously that the acts themselves become domesticated. (Also, several entries are rife with cliché—and not the liberating kind.) It’s curious that the collection declares its subject to be kink, not sex; doing so embeds the gathered work in a firmament of norms and identities rather than one of hungers, sensations. But maybe this is by design; as the reader’s mind tracks back and forth between bodies and definitions, she begins to see those definitions’ flimsiness, and to wonder about the unexpressed depths that live in each of us. Cultural judgments are never fixed, and the imprecision of the word “kink” in some ways echoes the imprecision of the word “literature,” which depends on a superfluity of truth or beauty that is impossible to pin down. In that way, at least, art is exactly like smut: you know it when you see it.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

How BDSM Frameworks Can Teach You to Talk About Sex

by Davey Davis

While they might look the same to the untrained eye, BDSM is the opposite of Fight Club: The first rule of BDSM is that you talk about BDSM. A lot.

One of the many things that annoys me about mainstream depictions of kink is how infrequently you see negotiation—the actual conversation—between kinksters in movies and TV. In the real world of BDSM, communicating about what we want to do, how we’re going to do it, and what our limits are before, during, and after a scene is the norm among experienced players—and should be the norm, period. In most mainstream depictions of the subculture, however, we usually see kink without preamble (and often it seems to play out in a world where consent is murky at best).

While non-negotiated kink and non-consensual harm (otherwise known as assault) do occur in the BDSM community—that’s another essay for another time, my friends—these limited and unrealistic depictions portray BDSM as an inherently dangerous activity and lifestyle. But in BDSM, there’s only one bad fantasy: that responsible play can be self-centered, unintentional, and unaccountable to a greater community. When responsible players put that fear aside, kink can be emotionally and physically sustainable as well as, you know, really fucking hot.

To be clear, I have no interest in whitewashing or defanging BDSM. It’s not a mainstream pastime! But what I do have an interest in is making sure that all players, especially new and inexperienced ones, have the tools they need to play and participate in BDSM—and all sex, more broadly—in ways that are the most responsible.

So what does it mean to be responsible about something that, to the uninitiated, might seem so very irresponsible? In the community, we have three helpful acronyms used as shorthands for talking about just that.

SSC—Safe, Sane, and Consensual

The oldest of these three acronyms, SSC can be traced back to the 1980s, when gay S/M clubs were trying to promote what we now call informed consent, both within their circles and beyond.

In broad terms, “safe” means that the risk of any kink activities should be understood by all participants and either eliminated or reduced as much as possible. “Sane” refers to the need to approach these activities in a commonsense way, with all parties able to discern between fantasy and reality (this could apply to mental state as well as to levels of inebriation and/or mind alteration from substances). “Consensual” means that everyone has freely consented to the activities on the menu and can alert other players if that changes at any point during the scene.

The growing popularity of the leather scene within the broader gay community meant that these organizations—namely Chicago’s Hellfire Club and New York’s Gay Male S/M Activists (GMSMA)—needed a slogan that communicated their values to other kinksters as well as to a world hostile to their rising profile. According to David Stein, a GMSMA committee member, the club wanted to differentiate themselves from stereotypes of S/M as “harmful, antisocial, predatory behavior.”

RACK—Risk-Aware Consensual Kink

Around the turn of the Millennium, a new evolution of SSC was born with RACK. RACK is both in conversation with SSC as well as a challenge to it; “safe” and “sane” are subjective terms that don’t mean the same thing to everyone. “I don’t know about you, but most of the BDSM I participate in would not be considered safe,” writes BDSM educator Daemonumx in her newsletter.

A leather associate of mine, Daemonumx shares with me an interest in play that is risky by any standards, and certainly by vanilla ones. No matter how cautious we are, there are inherent risks to these (very fun) activities. This means that RACK suits our purposes better than SSC does.

We go into a scene having educated ourselves, to the best of our ability, about the risks we and everyone involved are taking on; like participants of skydiving, mountain-climbing, and childbirth, we are taking part in something that can be fun, pleasurable, transcendental, or worthwhile without requiring that it be “safe.”

“‘Risk-aware’ means that both parties to a negotiation have studied the proposed activities, are informed about the risks involved, and agree how they intend to handle them,” writes Gary Switch.

In a subculture in which learning is self-taught or taught via apprenticeship, skill share, or workshop, skill-based knowledge is diffuse and often difficult to access, period. Add that to the natural diversity in “risk profiles” and desires, and one size simply doesn’t suit all. Writes Cross for XCBDSM, “RACK puts the responsibility… on the individual. It empowers each person to define their own risk profile.”

Finally, the “sane” in SSC stigmatizes mental illness—something that us paraphiliacs, with our history of pathologization, could stand to be a little more sensitive towards.

PRICK—Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink

Which brings us to PRICK, a newer acronym I’ve only seen more of in the last few months. As a player who came up in the time of RACK, at first I was mildly annoyed to discover an acronym that didn’t immediately seem to add anything new to the responsibility framework. But the more I thought about it, the more it began to make sense.

What does PRICK do that RACK doesn’t? It makes a space not only for risk awareness but for personal responsibility regarding the risky choices we make—a useful distinction for a practice that very often exists within an unequal power dynamic. As a masochist, the physical risk I am taking when I submit my body to pain and even damage is much greater than that taken by the sadist wielding it—but the sadist is taking risks too, including the emotional responsibility of potentially harming me, as well as the legal responsibility for that harm should something go awry (not that I would personally involve the authorities, but the possibility of their involvement is one of the unfortunate risks that we take when we play!).

Within the PRICK model, my partners and I go into our scene not only aware of the risks, but with the intention of taking responsibility for our decisions (this does not include consent violations, of course, which are something for which only violators are responsible). There are experiences and even a few kinky relationships that I regret, but where there was consent, I don’t have bitterness or anger. The consent feels empowering, even in retrospect.

The need for acronyms like SSC, RACK, and PRICK conveys the high-maintenance nature of our hardware-heavy lifestyle—and I wouldn’t have it any other way. My wish is for this approach to desire to be more normalized in the broader culture, too. While discourse around enthusiastic consent, sex positivity, and #MeToo has attempted to address the need for communication, “vanilla” people, straight or queer, can learn a thing or two about safety, consent, and desire from BDSM frameworks.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Aftercare Conversations Might Be the BDSM Practice You Need to Try

It’s a game changer (even if you’re vanilla).

By Patia Braithwaite

If you’re familiar with BDSM, you probably know that communication is a major through line. There’s a reason for this. As SELF previously reported, BDSM, which stands for bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, and sadism/masochism, is a term that describes a wide swath of sexual behaviors that people enjoy. This can range from things like erotic spanking and using restraints to more mental stimulation through things like domination, submission, or light humiliation. BDSM is sort of an umbrella term that describes a host of activities that people might consider kinky, but kink is a larger term for sexual activities and fantasies that tend to fall outside of what we’d consider “conventional.” You can think of BDSM as one aspect of kink.

“Communication is really key to healthy and enjoyable kink scenes,” Liz Powell, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Building Open Relationships, tells SELF. You and potential partners might think you’re into the same things but “might have zero things in common,” Dr. Powell explains. “So communication is the way we find out what kink means for you.”

Ideally, at the onset of any kinky sexual activity, partners will pre-negotiate a scenario. This might involve talking through likes, dislikes, and hard limits. You and your partner(s) might agree on a safe word so that anyone can end the scene at any time, Dr. Powell explains. Communication, both verbal and nonverbal, continues throughout so that everyone feels safe and supported, Dr. Powell says. But what happens when things are winding down? “There’s some aftercare or ‘cool down’ that provides a place for people to come out of the roles they’ve been in,” Dr. Powell explains.

There are lots of ways to incorporate kink and BDSM into your sex life if you’re interested. But even if you’re not, you might want to try aftercare, which is the point where you and your partner attend to your own physical and psychological needs and each other’s.

For instance, people might check in with one another and make sure they are feeling okay. They might ask for feedback on the scene or talk about what they really liked or didn’t like. Aftercare doesn’t always have to be verbal, Dr. Powell explains, adding that it could include one partner putting a blanket over their partner, stroking their hair, or tending to any bruises that might’ve occurred during a kink scene. But it can absolutely be an overt conversation about what worked and what didn’t, Dr. Powell says.

Before we get into how you might do that, let’s break down why communication often gets lost in the shuffle in more vanilla interactions. There are so many cultural messages about how sex “should” be, especially for cis women who date cis men, that talking about wants and desires might be a turnoff, Lori Michels, L.M.F.T., AASECT-certified sex therapist, tells SELF. This means that when people have sex, they might not notice the need for clear and effective dialogue. Or they might not be as intentional as they could be. And even if they’re vocal before and while having sex, they might not see the need to debrief as things wind down. “A lot of people end up having sex that doesn’t feel great for them, and they don’t know how to express that to their partners,” Dr. Powell explains.

In BDSM and kink contexts, aftercare is an integrated part of sex, Michels says. It’s a natural progression that allows partners to leave the scene and come back to reality in an intentional and intimate way, she explains.

Aftercare conversations can be helpful for anyone, but Dr. Powell says it’s especially useful for folks who might have a freeze response when they are uncomfortable. Even with the best intentions and clear communication, occasionally, something might happen during sex that doesn’t thrill you. If you’re someone who freezes when you’re uncomfortable, it might be difficult to express that displeasure in real time. In an aftercare conversation, once your body has calmed down, you might be able to speak up about how things felt. It doesn’t have to happen immediately after sex either, Dr. Powell says. You might talk to your partner in a day or two, or even longer than that when you’ve had a chance to center yourself a bit.

If aftercare is something you want to bring into your own bedroom, there are a few ways you might broach the subject. To begin, Dr. Powell says it’s okay if you’re not quite sure how to start the conversation. In fact, if you’re feeling awkward, you should just say that. “Name the emotion you’re having about it,” Dr. Powell says. “It makes it easier for you, and it puts you and your partner on the same page.” You might even mention that you saw an interesting article on the topic, Dr. Powell suggests, so that it doesn’t come off as if you’re prepping to have an overwhelmingly critical conversation about your sex life.

If you’re really verbal (or super comfortable with your partner), Dr. Powell also suggests you frame your aftercare discussion around three things that worked well and three things you both might do differently. Often, when saying “how was it for you,” there’s an implication that the answer should be “great,” and that doesn’t leave much room for talking through things you might want to try a different way. You can say something like, “Tell me your favorite parts of what we did and what could we do to make things better or more exciting,” Dr. Powell says. Additionally, she suggests that asking for three positive notes and three things that you want to improve can increase the likelihood of getting honest feedback.

If you have major resistance to bringing up aftercare or you’re not quite sure what you liked and disliked about a certain sexual experience (or sex in general)—that’s okay. You can totally explore your own body and figure out the sensations that feel best for you, Michels says. It’s not unreasonable to have aftercare conversations with yourself, TBH. The more comfortable you are with yourself, the easier it will be to express those feelings to others, Michels explains.

And, Dr. Powell says, aftercare has implications outside of your bedroom. “Aftercare might be important during an argument when your bodies are still coming down from the big emotions and all the physiological responses,” she explains. “Any time you’re having a strong emotional response, something that looks like a version of aftercare could be helpful.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!