Month: August 2020

Posted on

65 per cent of people want to shake up their sex life in lockdown

People have been using lockdown rather creatively…

By Kate McCusker

The study also found that 97 per cent of people believe sexual health and pleasure affects overall wellness. So there’s no better time like the present to get searching for the best vibrator (you might even be lucky enough to bag one in the bank holiday sales…)

A new study by American sex toy company Ella Paradis has found that one in three people are considering a more adventurous sex life in the wake of lockdown.

The study, conducted on 1,370 American adults between the ages of 18 and 54, also found that almost all of those surveyed (97 per cent) thought that sexual health and pleasure is crucial to overall wellness. (And we’re all about health.)

The study further found that one in three people were masturbating more than they were prior to the pandemic. Meaning you can definitely consider a vibrator an investment piece. (After all, vibrators do have a multitude of surprising benefits – as Toni Braxton recently revealed in her Vogue beauty video.)

While 51 per cent of respondents said their physical intimacy has stayed the same as it was prior to lockdown, 28 per cent admitted to going at it less than before. 19 per cent of people, meanwhile, reported having more sex than before.

The sex toy company’s CEO said of the study, “Without access to [favourite] activities, having a vibrant fulfilling sex life is more important than ever. Sexual fulfillment and experimentation are key to getting through the monotony of life in quarantine.”

So whether in a couple or going it solo, there’s plenty out there to help you along the way to a more satisfying sex life.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

What Does it Mean to Be Cisgender?

Here’s What Experts Say

Plus how to check your cis-privilege and be a transgender ally.

By Leah Groth

We all know the most commonly used gender pronouns: she/her and he/him—they refer to a person assigned either male or female at birth, and who continues to identify that way later in life. But there’s another term that’s used to refer to those who continue to identify with the gender they were assigned at birth: cisgender. Here’s what you need to know about that term, including how it compares to sexual orientation, and when (or if) you should use it.

What does cisgender mean?

Cisgender—technically pronounced “sis-gender”—refers to “individuals whose assigned sex at birth is congruent with their gender identity, Christy L. Olezeski, PhD, director of Yale Medicine’s Gender Program, tells Health. The prefix “cis” is actually Latin for “on this side,” according to Merriam-Webster. “Trans,” on the other hand—as in transgender—technically means “on the other side of.

A person assigned female at birth, for example—meaning doctors saw female sex organs or genitalia—and who still identifies as a woman today, is cisgender. The same goes for a person assigned male at birth who currently identifies as a man.

According to Transgender Studies Quarterly, the term was initially created by transgender activists in the 1990s in order to differentiate between cisgender and transgender individuals, without further adding to the marginalization of trans people. “The terms man and woman, left unmarked, tend to normalize cisness—reinforcing the unstated ‘naturalness’ of being cisgender,” the text says, suggesting rather to use identifications like “cis man or “cis woman” alongside “transman” and transwoman.”

It’s important to know, however, that there is a bit of controversy around the term. “Some folx would argue that we should use the term cis- or trans- any time we are identifying people,” Olezeski says. However, “some folx would argue that we should not identify anyone using these, and should instead just identify folx as men, women or non-binary/gender expansive or agender.”

What’s the difference between cisgender and straight?

It’s important to know that gender identity and sexual orientation are two different things. Plainly speaking, gender identity is how someone identifies, and sexual orientation refers to who someone is attracted to. “As someone once said, gender identity is who you go to bed as, while sexual orientation is who you want to go to bed with,” Olezeski says.

That means those who identify as cisgender can fall anywhere on the sexuality spectrum—gay, straight, bisexual, etc.—just as anyone who is transgender, too, can identify with any sexual orientation.

What is cisgender privilege, and how can you work against it?

In an article published in the Journal of International and Intercultural Communication, Julia R. Johnson, PhD, explains that “cisgender privilege is given to persons whose morphology aligns with socially-sanctioned gender categories.” It has been well established that those who do not identify as cisgender—namely transgender people—experience discrimination on many levels.

Johnson’s article outlines a few different examples of what cisgender privilege can look like: “Some forms of cisgender privilege include: Having a government-issued identification that accurately represents one’s identity; not being ‘‘asked . . . what my genitals look like, or whether or not my breasts are real, what medical procedures I have had’’; not being forced ‘‘to adopt a different gender presentation’’ or denied medical care; or being refused ‘‘access to, and fair treatment within, sex segregated facilities’’ such as bathrooms, homeless shelters, prisons, and domestic violence shelters.”

In order to confront our own cisgender privileges—and therefore become a transgender ally, or cisgender person working to fight for the rights of the transgender community—Johnson argues that we have to examine not only our own interactions and relationships, but also structural dynamics used to continue the oppression of transgender individuals.

It’s also essential to educate yourself regarding issues that those in the transgender community face, to speak up against comments or actions that marginalize trans people, and to always remember to use someone’s appropriate pronouns, since trans people are often either misgendered or deadnamed (if you’re not sure how to do this, the easiest way is to share your own pronouns and ask for theirs).

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Your brain on masturbation

Let’s get some things straight about auto-euroticism.

by Tibi Puiu

Like all things taboo, there are a lot of myths and speculation surrounding masturbation and its effects on the human body.

There’s even a global movement called #nofap, whose followers (mostly men) are abstaining from masturbation in order to reap supposed health benefits, such as enhanced mood, energy, and self-esteem.

While there is still much to learn about how our bodies react to the chemicals and hormones released during sexual release, there are quite a lot of physical and psychological benefits to masturbation, supported by evidence-based science. Most researchers who study sexual health concur that masturbation is a healthy and universal behavior in the human sexual repertoire.

Masturbation releases feel-good hormones that boost your mood

During masturbation, the brain releases a number of hormones, the most important being dopamine. Also known as the “happiness hormone”, dopamine is heavily involved in the brain’s reward system. Along with oxytocin, a hormone that improves social bonding, dopamine also improves mood and satisfaction.

Other hormones that are released during sexual release also include endorphins, testosterone, and prolactin. These have roles in reducing stress, increasing arousal, and boosting immune system function.

However, it’s yet unclear how these ‘feel good’ hormones differ based on the various forms of sexual release involved (sex vs masturbation or sex with a long-term partner vs sex with a short-term partner).

“I don’t think the science can answer this yet. It appears that the same types of hormones are released but I think it would be very hard to ever say whether or not they are always released in the same quantity, ratio, or in the same way, regardless of the method to orgasm,” Heather Armstrong, Lecturer in Sexual Health at the Department of Psychology at the University of Southampton in the UK, told ZME Science.

“In terms of outcomes, I think sex (and masturbation) is so contextual that it’s impossible just to tease out one specific thing (i.e., orgasm) and say that that is the one thing causing good outcomes,” she added.

It alleviates stress and anxiety

During sex, hormones like oxytocin cement pair bonding, which is why it’s also known as the “love hormone”. However, even if you experience sexual release by yourself, the boost of oxytocin is associated with lower cortisol levels (the stress hormone) and relaxation.

You fall asleep faster

Many are aware that using masturbation before bedtime can ease one’s way into slumber. That’s because serotonin, oxytocin, and norepinephrine are released during sexual arousal and orgasm — and all three of these hormones are associated with reductions in stress and boosts in relaxation, which promote sleep.

Masturbation may improve immune function

The hormones serotonin and norepinephrine are known to boost REM and deep non-REM sleep, during which immune system proteins known as cytokines are released. These proteins identify infections and inflammation, thus enhancing protection against pathogens and disease recovery.

And also eases or prevents pain

Thanks to its immune system enhancing effects, orgasms can also ease chronic pain, which is often linked to poor immune function.

In a 2013 study published in the journal Cephalalgia, researchers found that sexual activity relieves pain caused by migraines or cluster headaches in up to a third of patients.

The authors of the study claim that endorphins, the body’s natural painkillers, are released during orgasm thus numbing the pain of migraines.

Masturbation isn’t associated with mental illness

Some believe that masturbation can lead to depression in some cases.

At first glance, this doesn’t sound like a ridiculous idea. Like all sexual matters, masturbation is still a taboo topic even in western societies, which have made great strides in the past century in opening up about sex.

Even so, there are many people who have been socialized in religiously strict households and who might feel anxious or guilty when they masturbate as a result.

A 2018 study found that about 62% of male participants who were diagnosed with clinical depression also experienced some form of sexual dysfunction. Among this group, myths about masturbation were prevalent.

However, there is no evidence that suggests masturbation triggers or amplifies depression symptoms. If anything, masturbation should help ease depression thanks to mood-enhancing hormones released post-orgasm.

Low sex drive is a common symptom of depression, and masturbation might help boost it. A 2015 study found that female masturbation enhances sexual satisfaction, and helped women have more orgasms when they had sex with a partner.

Nevertheless, those who feel guilty and very anxious because they masturbate should see a therapist specialized in sexual health.

Masturbation is actually better than sex (for most women)

Sorry to break it to you, guys, but women generally climax quicker and more easily during masturbation than sex. No reason to feel too bad about it though, because it helps both sexes. A 2014 study showed that 35% of women who regularly had orgasms when they had sex also masturbated compared to only 9% of women who could climax regularly during sex but reportedly did not masturbate. As for heterosexual men, 95% climax regularly during sex, according to a 2017 study, regardless of their masturbation habits.

But although studies indicate that self-pleasuring leads to better and more frequent orgasms in relationships, many women believe that their masturbation habits can be perceived as a threat, or even an insult, to their male partner’s sense of sexual prowess. As such, many women refrain from masturbating while in a relationship or avoid proposing the use of sex toys during heterosexual sex with their partners.

This widely held belief was reported by a recent systematic review of hundreds of scientific papers relating to women’s experiences, motives, and perceptions of masturbation, where Dr. Armstrong is a co-author. The review goes on to highlight the most common reasons why women masturbate, including “as a practical alternative when a sexual partner was not around”, “if a woman did not reach orgasm with a partner”, or “as a tool to enhance partnered sex and partnered intimacy”.

Regarding differences between males and females in the positive outcomes for masturbation, Armstrong said: “There is no consensus on whether or not there are significant brain differences between male and females to begin with. Further, because attitudes toward male vs. female masturbation (both individually and socio-culturally) tend to be quite different, it would be nearly impossible to tease out whether there is a “biological” brain difference, or whether any differences (if there are any) were because of other external factors.”

Is masturbation ever harmful?

Like all things, moderation is key. Excessive masturbation can damage relationships when it becomes the sole outlet of sexual expression. Masturbation can also be physically harmful when people experiment with objects that should have no business near their genitals, nevermind inside them.

“There are very few risks associated with masturbation. Skin irritation may be associated with frequent masturbation if adequate lubrication is not used,” Armstrong said.

There are many myths, however, that claim masturbation can cause prostate cancer (false), is addictive (the American Psychological Association doesn’t recognize masturbation as an addiction), is not safe while pregnant (false), that vibrators cause nerve damage (false), lowers sperm count (false, men don’t have a finite amount of sperm), or lowers testosterone (false — the idea dates from Greek and Roman times, but has no scientific evidence to back it up).

A note on porn

In this day and age, masturbation often goes hand in hand with porn usage. While masturbation, in and of itself, is generally healthy and normal, excessive consumption of video pornography can be associated with some negative effects.

Porn use can hijack the brain’s neural wiring, leading to a surge of unnaturally high levels of dopamine that can damage the reward system. Long-term, frequent use of pornography is also associated with sexual dysfunction, lower levels of marital quality and commitment to one’s romantic partner. Some researchers have gone as far as likening porn use to substance abuse.

“It’s very difficult to separate out porn use from masturbation. Also, there could be differences between porn use without masturbation vs. masturbation without porn use vs. porn use with masturbation without orgasm vs. porn use with masturbation including orgasm. I think the jury’s still out as well on the positive and negative effects of porn use. It appears that for the majority of people, porn use is not problematic.  For the minority that do experience problematic porn use, it’s difficult to say whether porn itself leads to problematic use, or if the problematic use is the result (or a side effect) of other factors,” Armstrong said.

Bottom line: Masturbation is a healthy, normal, and very common (universal) form of human sexual behavior. However, sometimes it can have negative effects on mental health if people feel guilty about it, which is why it’s important to normalize it and have conversations about it. Porn use is a different discussion, but in order to reap the full benefits of masturbation, one should stay clear of excessive consumption of pornography.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Why conservative men are more likely to fantasize about sharing their wives

It may, paradoxically, be precisely because they believe cuckoldry is so bad

By Justin Lehmiller

In the wake of allegations that he spent years watching his wife have sex with another man, Jerry Falwell Jr. resigned this week from his post as president of Liberty University. Falwell has denied the specifics of those allegations, but if they’re true, he would be neither the first nor the last conservative man to take pleasure in sharing his spouse or partner while he looks on, a sexual practice known more commonly as “cuckolding.” In fact, a disproportionate percentage fantasize about just that happening to them.

They’re not alone, of course. Cuckolding routinely ranks among the top searches on the world’s biggest porn sites, as reported by neuroscientists Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam in their book “A Billion Wicked Thoughts,” for which they analyzed the contents of hundreds of millions of Internet searches. But as my own research has shown, reports of that sexual fantasy exhibit a surprising ideological pattern. For my book “Tell Me What You Want,” I studied the sexual fantasies of 4,175 Americans from all 50 states. I asked my participants to report how often they fantasized about hundreds of different people, places and things — including cuckolding.

A majority of heterosexual men (52 percent) said they had fantasized about watching their partner have sex with someone else. Heterosexual men who identified as Republican were the most likely to report having had a cuckolding fantasy at some point — and they fantasized about it more often than Democrats. Fewer than half of Democratic straight men (49 percent) reported having ever fantasized about cuckolding, and 19 percent said they fantasize about it often. By contrast, nearly two-thirds (64 percent) of heterosexual Republican men reported having had this fantasy, and 30 percent said it is a frequent fantasy. Republican men also reported more fantasies about infidelity, swinging and a wide range of sexually taboo activities, including voyeurism.

One way to understand why these desires are so much more common for conservative men is through what sex therapist Jack Morin termed “the erotic equation,” which he spelled out as follows:

Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement

The basic premise here is intuitive: When we are told we cannot do something that we want to do — even if we do not have a particularly strong desire for it — those restrictions make us want to do it even more. Violating taboos creates risk — and taking on a certain amount of risk can heighten arousal and excitement. This is precisely why public sex (or semipublic sex) was another extraordinarily popular fantasy in my survey: The thrill of potentially being caught in the act amps up the intensity of the situation.

Because those on the right tend to have more restrictions placed on their sexuality in general, it stands to reason that they have access to plenty of potentially appealing taboos. And among those many paradoxically pleasurable roadblocks to sexual gratification, cuckolding is one of the most prominent. They are really, really not supposed to let themselves become cuckolds, let alone to long for it.

According to this logic, a man who shares his wife with another man doesn’t just violate social and moral dictates for monogamy, but he also violates traditional notions of masculinity. In the eyes of many men, cuckolding is the ultimate form of emasculation. This sentiment is precisely why many on the right have taken to using the term “cuck” to denigrate men they see as giving up their own power and control, or humiliating themselves. It is also why many of them use the term “cuckservative” to refer to conservative men they see as caving to the left.

It may, paradoxically, be precisely because of all this that cuckoldry fantasies are so appealing. People on the right tend to place a very high value on their freedom. For example, consider conservative views on wearing masks during the covid-19 pandemic: Surveys find that Republicans are more likely to refuse to wear masks than Democrats, citing it as an attack on their liberty. This tendency is an effect of the psychological concept known as reactance, the idea that when one’s individual freedoms are threatened, one tries to reassert autonomy and independence.

Resistance to restrictions, in this mode, becomes a way to reassert personal freedom, and that’s a big deal for those on the right. As the mask resisters show, conservatives may be willing to put themselves at risk to merely assert the fact of their freedom. Likewise, it seems possible that some are open to violating erotic norms — even those that might expose them to mockery or humiliation — to demonstrate to themselves that they’re not bound by the rules. While such behaviors may seem to contradict the expectations and norms espoused by those who practice them, they actually serve to reaffirm a more fundamental conservative value, the emphasis placed on freedom itself.

With all of that said, it is certainly not the case that all Republicans and conservatives are fantasizing about cuckolding or other taboo sexual activities, nor is it the case that they’re alone in expressing such wishes. As I report in “Tell Me What You Want,” one of the kinks that Democrats report more often than Republicans is BDSM: bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism and masochism. In other words, those on the left fantasize about things like power play and rough sex more than those on the right. For Democrats, subverting ideals of equitable and fair power relations is a major taboo. The same could be said for visualizing a scenario in which the lines of sexual consent might not be explicit. After all, people on the left tend to be much stronger supporters of the #MeToo movement and have more vocally advocated for models of enthusiastic sexual consent. Flirting with this taboo may therefore be why BDSM is more tantalizing for them.

In short, while the specific content of our sexual fantasies and the particular activities we pursue in our bedrooms may differ to some degree according to our political affiliations, the factors that feed our erotic desires might not be so different after all.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

What the Falwell saga tells us about evangelicals and gender roles

A Falwell from grace for Jerry and Becki?

BY

Jerry Falwell Jr. may well be wishing that a photo with his underwear showing and his arm around the waist of a woman not his wife was the worst of his problems.

That snapshot kick-started a round of speculation into the prominent evangelical leader’s personal life that has cost him his job. On Aug. 25, Falwell confirmed that he has resigned his presidency at Liberty University.

His resignation comes after allegations in multiple news outlets that Falwell and his wife, Becki, were both engaged in a seven-year sexual relationship with a young man named Giancarlo Granda.

‘Not involved’

Granda told Reuters that the sexual relationship involved both Falwells. He claims he had sex with Becki while Jerry Falwell watched from the corner of the room. Jerry Falwell Jr. disputes the allegations. In a statement to the Washington Examiner, Falwell said: “Becki had an inappropriate personal relationship with this person, something in which I was not involved.”

In other words, it’s Becki’s fault.

From my vantage point as a scholar who studies religion and gender, this comment from Falwell is revealing.

How male public figures react to a sex scandal can be a very complex process. In trying to preserve what is left of their reputations, my research indicates that they will often attempt to prove that they remain a “real man” – both a loving, devoted husband and a strong, virile leader. This behavior makes sense when one understands the conservative Christian gender roles that inspire them.

Under conservative Christian gender norms, men are described not only as naturally sexual, but also as divinely designed to be far more sexual than women. In fact, male sexuality is often depicted as out of control. The point of marriage, many evangelicals claim, is to harness that male sexuality so that it is productive rather than wild and unbounded.

This view of marriage may strike many as archaic, but these ideas nevertheless permeate part of American culture – one can see it in the “boys will be boys” defense of bad male behavior.

Such ideas also strongly influence how large swaths of the public tend to view sex scandals. Generally speaking, while the public holds the offending politician responsible, they are also often eager to condemn other figures who were involved for leading him astray.

More specifically, my research shows that women who are in any way associated with sex scandals are much more likely to be demonized or blamed for the sexual incident in question. Even when they are the innocent party, they can be portrayed as power-hungry strategists who stayed in a bad marriage to elevate themselves or enablers who give all women a bad name by sticking up for another adulterer.

And as scholar Amy DeRogatis has shown, if a woman is sexual outside of marriage, she is often described by evangelicals as compromising the “gift” of her sexuality intended for her husband. Giving her sexuality to someone else sacrifices her future capacity for intimacy, it is argued.

At the same time, some evangelicals claim that a wide number of marital problems stem from the fact that women do not provide their husbands with enough sex.

In this particular subculture, everything from men’s self-esteem to their job performance can be linked to the frequency and quality of their sexual encounters. In this way of thinking, when men have problems, their wives’ sexual attitudes and behaviors are often to blame.

Demonization of women

Negative stereotypes often extend to all women involved in a sex scandal, no matter whether any sexual contact actually happened nor whether the act in question was consensual.

For instance, Paula Jones and Anita Hill both claimed to have been the victims of sexual harassment, at the hands of Bill Clinton and Clarence Thomas, respectively.

In the case of both women, elaborate sexual stories were concocted by critics of all political stripes. These stories were then adopted more broadly by the general public to portray them as immoral women who must have been at least partially responsible for the sexualized encounters they experienced with two prominent figures.

The case of Paula Broadwell is also instructive. Broadwell was the lover of Gen. David Petraeus, one-time director of the CIA. While both Broadwell and Petraeus admitted to a consensual affair while married to other people, Broadwell’s ethics were called into question in a way that Petraeus did not experience.

In short, there is a pattern in American culture of finding fault with the woman in a sex scandal. Falwell’s response falls in line with this pattern.

But there is another aspect of Granda’s allegations that deserves attention when looking at the response to the scandal. In Granda’s telling – again, which has been denied by Jerry Falwell – the evangelical leader watched the sexual encounters between Granda and Becki but did not actively participate.

As scholar Joshua Gamson has shown, men whose sexual violations do not involve actual intercourse – for example sexting, as in the case with disgraced New York politician Anthony Weiner – are often portrayed as less masculine, even silly, for failing to “do the deed.”

Chance of redemption?

What we are watching play out before us with the Falwells is a study of conservative gender norms.

If Falwell can convincingly argue that the fault lies entirely with his wife, then this well-worn story might give him the chance to redeem himself at some point in the future. After all, in this version of events, he can maintain the appearance of a loving husband and father who has some integrity.

On the other hand, being the man who “watched from the corner of the room” fulfills neither the devoted family man role nor that of the virile, powerful husband. If this is the narrative that is ultimately adopted, then the path back to redemption in the eyes of the evangelical public is harder to imagine.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Sexual Orientation And Gender Identity Are Not The Same

by Dyuti Gupta

There are a lot of people out there who are confused as to how sexual orientation is different from gender identity, myself having been one of them for the longest time. It’s a common misconception that both are connected when they are really not. In fact, the meanings of these two terms don’t even intersect at any given point. For example, many people automatically assume that if someone is a transgender person, they must also be gay. However, that is not the case. So what exactly is the difference between gender identity and sexual orientation?

What Is Gender Identity?

According to the Human Rights Campaign, gender identity is defined as the “innermost concept of self as male, female, a combination of both or neither–how individuals perceive themselves and accordingly, what they call themselves.” In layman language, gender identity is one’s internal and personal sense of being a female, male or as someone outside of that binary. There are more than a dozen of genders, outside of just man or woman, that people can identify with. One can be gender-neutral, non-binary, agender, pangender, genderqueer, two-spirit, third gender, and all, none or a combination of these. People’s gender identity can mirror what they were assigned at birth, or be entirely different. And accordingly, they might or might not want to be referred to with certain pronouns—it all really depends on what they identify as.

Usually, cisgender is the umbrella term used to describe people whose sense of personal identity and gender corresponds with their chromosomal and phenotypic sex, while transgender is the larger umbrella term used to describe people whose sense of personal identity does not correspond with the sex assigned to them at birth.

What Is Sexual Orientation?

According to the Human Rights Campaign, sexual orientation is defined as the “inherent or immutable enduring emotional, romantic or sexual attraction to other people.” In simpler terms, it’s who one is interested in dating and being intimate with. A person might identify as straight, bisexual, pansexual, queer, asexual or use a host of other words that reflect their capacity to be attracted to more than one sex or gender or to not feel sexual attraction at all. Sexuality is a complex phenomenon and attraction can manifest very differently for different people. This emerging language illuminates a complex world in which simple either/or designations such as gay or straight are inadequate. Categories are commonly used to understand our attractions, but they aren’t always inclusive of the vast variety of expression that makes up human sexuality. Hence, one would notice that the language about sexuality is constantly evolving.

The Difference

Perhaps no one can put the difference between sexual orientation and gender identity in simpler terms than the Youtuber Brendan Jordan who identifies as gender fluid: “[Sexual Orientaion] is who you go to bed with, but gender identity is who you go to bed as.” Sexual orientation really doesn’t have anything to do with gender. Therefore, the next time you meet someone who identifies outside the binary system, don’t ask questions like, “because you don’t identify as a female, does that mean that you’re gay?” “How can you be straight when you identify as a transgender?”

People having different sexual orientations, i.e. who are straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, asexual, etc., are cisgenders if they identify themselves as the birth sex assigned to them. On the other hand, transgender people can be straight, lesbian, gay, bisexual, and so on. For example, a person who has transitioned from the gender identity of a male to a female and is attracted solely to men would typically identify as straight as far as their sexual orientation is concerned. The truth is that both gender and sexual orientation are essential components of who we are, and how we live our lives. But even so, the two, in any scenario, are not the same, and that’s a crucial fact we need to remember.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

How To Talk Dirty

— During Sex, On The Phone & Whenever

 

By Alex Shea

Dirty talk may feel strange at first as you pick your brain for the perfect dirty things to say to your partner. Relax a little—talking dirty isn’t an exact science, and navigating it relies more on how comfortable you are versus how much you know about it. Here’s how to talk dirty during sex, plus sexy things to say to your partner outside the bedroom to build excitement. 

How to talk dirty with confidence:

Give yourself permission to go at your own pace. Sharing your fantasies via text may be a better choice if you’re not comfortable with any face-to-face play yet. You’re on nobody’s schedule to learn how to dirty talk except your own. (Here’s our full guide to sexting, in case you’re curious.)

It doesn’t have to be super creative, but it should feel good to you and your partner. “Good sex is supposed to be freeing and explorative,” Shan Boodram, sexologist and K-Y’s intimacy educator, tells mbg. The dirty things you say to your partner should feel natural and flow with the moment.

Let dirty talk elevate your sexual experience, not hinder it. The sooner you disregard the pressure you put on yourself, the easier exploring the sexual experience will be. You can help your partner navigate your body. Shoot, it may even lead to more fulfilling sex for everyone involved.

When you want to describe the moment for your partner, you don’t have to mention their cup size or their girth. Something as simple as “I love your body” can get the ball rolling. And if you want to throw in a few adjectives, generals like—fat, huge, and wet work really well.

5. Get comfy with your partner.

The comfort you feel in your relationship has everything to do with what you’re willing to try sexually. “Talking with your partner(s) beforehand about your interests in dirty talk can be a great way to reduce the anxiety when you’re actually in the moment,” sex and relationships therapist Kamil Lewis, AMFT, tells mbg. Communicate, explore, and communicate some more.

A greater sense of intimacy can blossom in your relationship by learning how to talk dirty. “Dirty talking isn’t about it being gross or crude or vulgar,” Boodram explains. “It’s just more about, does it make you feel hot?” What makes a phrase dirty is how sexually aroused you get from hearing it. Be the person that champions someone’s sexual fantasy, not crushes it.

Dirty things to say during sex.

I’m so wet/hard right now.
I don’t have any panties on.
I’m dripping.
I need to feel you against me.
I need your lips against my skin.
Just wait until we get home.
I want your mouth on me.
I want you to fuck me from behind.
I want you inside of me.
I want to see you play with yourself.
I want you to undress me.
I want you between my thighs.
I want to taste you.
I want your cock in my mouth.
Hold me.
Caress me all over.
Come for me.
Kiss my nipples.
Choke me.
Grab my ass.
Just like that.
Right there.
Pull my hair.
Bite me.
Look at me.
Talk to me.
Say my name.
Whisper in my ear.
Don’t stop.
Moan for me.
Stroke my cock.
Play with my clit.
Get over here.
You like that?
You feel so good inside me.
You do that so well.
Your cock/pussy feels amazing.
I love your body.
I love it when you grit your teeth.
I love it when you whisper in my ear.
I love it when you touch me there.
I love the way you moan.
I love the way you taste.
Harder.
Slower.
More.
Faster.
Deeper.
Please.
Louder.
Fuck.
I love how hard you can make me come.
Your tongue is magical.
That was incredible.
You want to go again?

Sexy things to say to your partner.

Dirty talk isn’t only for the bedroom. Here’s some inspiration for dirty things to say to your partner to keep sexual energy flowing in your relationship.

I keep thinking about your body against mine.
I can’t get you out of my mind.
Remember last night when we [insert sexual activity]? Wow.
What sex position was your favorite?
My body misses your [insert body part].
Thinking about you makes me want to touch myself.
When you get here, I’m going to [insert sexual activity].
I really liked it when we [insert sexual activity]. Let’s try that again.
I can’t wait to fuck you tonight.
I’ve been thinking about [fill in the blank] all day long, and I can’t wait until we can [fill in the blank].
What do you think about doing [insert sexual activity] the next time we’re in bed?
I’ve been looking forward to sitting on your face all day long.
I know it’s been a long day. That’s why I’m going to [insert sexual activity] when you get home.
That thing you do with your [insert body part] really makes me hot.
It makes me horny when you [fill in the blank].
You’re always on my mind.
I want you so bad.
You look good enough to put in my mouth today.
You make me so wet/hard when you moan.

How to talk dirty on the phone.

Whether you’re having phone sex for the first time or you’re in a long-distance relationship, here are some dirty things to say when you’re virtually connecting with someone. Personalize these phrases to fit your relationship, and match the language you and your partner already use. Remember, one couple’s vanilla is another couple’s kink.

I wish I was there.
I wish I could hold you right now.
I miss the way you feel inside of me.
I miss the way you taste.
I miss the way your [insert body part] feels [insert verb] against my [insert body part].
When I get back, I’m going to [insert sexual activity].
I can’t wait until I can go down on you again.
I’m going to fuck you so hard when I see you.
I’ll rip your clothes off the moment I see you.
Thinking about you is making me so wet/hard right now.
I want to see you naked…right now.
Just hearing your voice makes me want to touch myself.
I love it when you talk like that.
Tell me what you want to do to me.
I want to feel how wet/hard you are.
Play with yourself for me.
Whisper dirty things to me.
Tell me what you want from me.
What are you wearing right now?
Are you touching yourself?
Do you want to have FaceTime sex?
Are you alone?
Do you miss my body?
What else do you like when I do it to you?
Do you want to listen to me come?
The way you’re sexting me is hot; want to show me what you’re talking about?
I’m touching myself. Do you want to taste?

The comfort you feel with yourself and in your relationship is a crucial factor in talking dirty. You already know the right dirty things to say to during sex, before sex, and after sex—all that’s left is for you to go for it.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

8 tips to have better and more intense orgasms

By Ava English

  • To have a better orgasm, stimulate your c-spot, p-spot, or g-spot.
  • To have a more intense orgasm, try edging or kegel exercises.
  • There’s no evidence that masturbating or watching porn less frequently can improve your orgasm.

Regardless of what you call it — climaxing, coming, or finishing — orgasms are often considered the peak of a sexual experience. However, they can also be a bit of an enigma, and, for some, difficult to achieve.

According to sex experts, here are some ways you can improve your orgasm:

1. Find the right spot

Your genitals are loaded with nerve endings, but some spots are more sensitive than others. And stimulating the right spot may lead to a more intense and pleasurable orgasm.

Stimulate the clitoris

One way to enhance partnered sex is to incorporate clitoral stimulation to boost your pleasure. The clitoris is a major erogenous zone, comparable to a penis, in terms of nerve endings and physiology structure and you can stimulate it in various ways starting with the C-spot.

The C-spot is the part of the clitoris that is visible. This spot holds many nerve endings and is super sensitive to touch. Therefore, stimulating it during masturbation or partnered sex can lead to extremely intense orgasms. 

Another well-known spot is the G-spot, which is thought to be an erogenous zone located within the vaginal canal. However, Mathis Kennington, PhD, a certified sex therapist and co-founder of The Practice in Austin and The Couple Lab, says that this intense stimulation is actually another type of clitoral stimulation.

“The clitoris is much larger than most people know,” says Kennington, “often women who feel a G-spot-like orgasm are actually just feeling a different part of their clitoris being stimulated through penetration,” says Kennington.

Clitoral stimulation often doesn’t happen during penetrative sex alone. In fact, a 2017 survey published in the Journal of Sex and Marital therapy found that out of 1055 women in the US only 18.4% of them reported the ability to orgasm from penetrative sex alone.

You can stimulate the clitoris by using your hands, your partner’s hands, or a toy like a vibrator.

Stimulate the P-spot 

The P-spot refers to the prostate. The prostate is a reproductive organ located below the bladder that produces semen.

Some people find that stimulating this area leads to quick and extremely intense orgasms. You or a partner can stimulate this area with fingers “either directly through insertion into the anus or through the skin by massaging the space underneath his testicles and above the anus,” says Kennington.

2. Practice mindfulness

Getting in touch with sensations during daily activities can help you enhance your pleasure and intensity of orgasms in the bedroom. Sex is, after all, quite sensual.

Emily Jamea, PhD, a certified sex therapist at REVIVE in Houston, conducted research published in Sexual and Relationships Therapy that found heightening sensuality — or the ability to tune into the five senses — outside the bedroom improves sexual satisfaction inside the bedroom by strengthening the mind-body connection.

The study consisted of 195 individuals over the age of 25 in secure, long-term relationships. The participants completed a survey that measured attachment, sensuality, curiosity, imagination, and sexual satisfaction. Within this group, sensuality and imagination were significantly correlated with optimal sexual satisfaction.

For example, people who reported that they savor the food they eat or actually notice the warmth of the sun on their face while out for a walk have an easier time connecting with the sensual pleasures of sex.

This approach may be especially useful for people raised as women. In particular, with regards to being mindful of the sensations on your body during routine activities such as showering. People raised as women sometimes struggle to connect with pleasure sensations, and becoming more mindful of bodily sensation in general, “can help women overcome a mind-body disconnect and improve their sexual experiences,” says Jamea.

3. Try masturbating 

Mastering masturbation may lead to better and more frequent orgasms during partnered sex because it can help you know what gets you going.

“I always encourage my clients to explore their body so they know what makes them feel good,” says Jamea.

Oftentimes, people will cut out masturbation or porn consumption, thinking it will improve their orgasms during partnered sex. However, Kennington says there is no correlation between porn consumption, masturbation, and a better orgasm during partnered sex.

Masturbation and porn consumption can, however, get in the way of having good partnered sex if people are not honest about their sexual preferences with their partners. Porn is also not a always a realistic representation of sex or masturbation as it’s a form of entertainment, not education.

This can happen if someone experiences anxiety about their sexual preferences and outsource to porn, rather than talking openly to their partners about what they want sexually. Kennington describes this type of behavior as an erotic conflict, which can strain relationships sexually — and entirely — if not addressed.

Instead of cutting out masturbation entirely to improve orgasms during partnered sex, Jamea suggests that people should practice masturbating mindfully. This often means cutting out porn and focusing on connecting with sensations and what feels good.

Masturbation can also allow people to visually show their partners what makes them climax. This helps their partners understand what feels good to them sexually and can improve future partnered sex.

Jamea says that’s partly why, same-sex couples might have less difficulty than heterosexual couples when it comes to communicating sexual needs because each partner has an inherent understanding of the other’s anatomy.

4. Focus on foreplay

Foreplay extends sexual tension during partnered sex, which can lead to more pleasurable orgasms. It is an especially important component for those with vaginas.

The vagina often produces a natural lubricant when aroused to prepare the body for penetration. Foreplay is important before penetration because this lubricant makes penetrative partnered sex more comfortable.

Foreplay can also help narrow the orgasm gap for heterosexual partners. Men usually orgasm, or finish, before women, which oftentimes ends the sexual experience. “Men usually orgasm in 2 to 10 minutes, whereas women take 15 to 30 minutes on average,” says Jamea.

While Jamea says simultaneous orgasms are not realistic for every sexual experience, she encourages both partners to be equally considerate of each other’s pleasure during sex. Spending time focusing on one another’s pleasure during foreplay is one way to boost simultaneous sexual climax.

Try having your partner stimulate your c-spot, g,spot, or P-spot manually, or with a vibrator, or perform oral sex to experience intense pleasure during foreplay to improve your orgasm.

5. Overcome performance anxiety

Performance anxiety can often get in the way of experiencing maximum pleasure during partnered sex. Performance anxiety can stem from an insecurity about one’s sexual performance, body image, or how they think their partner feels about them sexually. This type of anxiety can result in those with penises ejaculating too quickly or not at all.

Often, people experience performance anxiety because they fixate solely on reaching orgasm for themselves or a partner, says Kennington, rather than focusing on what feels good during sex.

Focusing on the sensual pleasure of the experience during partnered sex, rather than achieving an orgasm, can help improve sexual experiences.

6. Try edging

Edging is the practice of ending sexual stimulation right as you are about to orgasm, waiting, and then beginning stimulation again to control the timing of your orgasm.

“Both the loss of control and the stimulation of a man’s penis either orally or manually over and over again can make an orgasm intensely pleasurable,” says Kennington. He says that for those with clitorises , edging serves the same purpose.

Communication between partners is important during edging so one can let the other know when they’re about to reach orgasm. Also, it can be important for partners to talk about the length of time they want to continue edging during sex. This will help both partners have a more enjoyable experience by making sure they have the same expectations.

7. Discuss sexual fantasies

Sexual fantasies are the arousing, erotic mental images we conjure up in our heads. While people can feel ashamed of these thoughts, daydreaming about sex is completely normal and even healthy.

Bringing up — and acting out — sexual fantasies can be an exciting way to spice up your sex life with a partner. Talking about sexual fantasies will help build desire for and with a partner, says Kennington, which is one of the most important factors of great sex.

Try talking to your partner about your sexual fantasies inside the bedroom as well as outside it. Just make sure to discuss boundaries and establish consent before engaging in any sexual behavior.

Learn more about how to approach your partner with a sexual fantasy with these tips.

8. Do kegels

Kegels are exercises that help strengthen pelvic floor muscles. “The more the pelvic floor muscles are strong and healthy, typically the better orgasms people will have,” says Jamea. Strong pelvic floor muscles can lead to more intense orgasms for everyone, not just those with vaginas.

Jamea recommends kegel exercises for people that ejaculate too quickly during partnered sex. Oftentimes, premature ejaculation, or quick orgasms, happen because the pelvic floor muscles are too tight. Doing these exercises can help people learn to relax these muscles during sex and therefore, have more enjoyable sexual experiences.

Before practicing kegels, it’s best to visit a pelvic physical therapist. They can help you determine what is safe and necessary for your body.

Learn more about the other health benefits of kegel exercises and how to do them.

Why can’t I orgasm?

“People struggle to reach orgasm if they have a hard time connecting with pleasure during a sexual experience,” says Jamea. This can happen for many reasons including a conflict in the relationship, poor body image, or difficulty connecting to one’s sensations during sex.

Kennington says there is no go-to position to guarantee an orgasm. He says, “positions are like brushstrokes, it all depends on the artist and the canvas.” The best thing you can do to have great orgasms is to learn about what works for you and for you and a partner sexually.

Both experts agree that in relationships, it is important each partner’s pleasure gets equal focus. However, this may not always result in an orgasm. Every person has a unique idea about what makes them feel satisfied sexually. It is important to have an ongoing and open dialogue with your partner about their sexual interests to maintain a healthy relationship.

As people age, natural changes can occur that can affect a person’s ability to orgasm. For example, menopause causes changes in vaginal walls which leads to a decreased production of natural lubrication. This can make vaginal sex uncomfortable and an extra lubricant might be needed to have a more enjoyable experience.

If you are concerned about libido or problems with your sex life, talk to your doctor. Many times there are medications or treatment plans that can help.

If you have never had an orgasm or are have had one in the past and are now having difficulty, consider reaching out to a certified sex therapist. They can work with you to identify potential sources — physical or psychological — that are causing this issue.

The bottom line

Open communication with your partner about sexual boundaries and interests is essential for a healthy sex life in relationships. “The platinum rule when it comes to sex and pleasure is to never have sex you don’t want to have,” says Kennington. This way, each partner can always and only engage in sex where they feel secure, thereby focusing on maximizing their pleasure.

Talking to your partner about what you want sexually can be a really un-sexy conversation. But,  this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, says Kennington. He suggests treating conversations about sex and pleasure like any other conversation. “What would you do if you have a culinary interest and your partner is a chef? You would tell them you want a steak and how you want it cooked.” Kennington says. The same goes for sex — communicate your desires and needs.

When it comes to planning this talk, Jamea says the best time to have it is at the kitchen table, rather than the bedroom. This way, you can address your partner in a non-threatening way. Right after sex, they may feel vulnerable, making it a less than ideal time.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

How College Students Can Have Safer Sex This Semester

As some students return to campus, here are four ways to think about sexual health in the age of COVID-19.

By Cassandra Corrado

Over half of colleges and universities across the country are planning on fully remote or hybrid semesters this school year, leaving students who rely on their school’s free or low-cost sexual health services in a temporary health desert. Even at schools that plan to reopen for on-campus instruction, their health centers may be closed or operating at reduced capacity.

During a normal year, sexuality is one of the major health realms that get attention in higher ed (at least from campus wellness departments). But as a result of pandemic-induced budget cuts, many institutions have laid off or furloughed employees, straining already small health and wellness departments. Meanwhile, the burden of planning for COVID-19 safety may have fallen to health promotion staff, leaving them with little capacity for other health promotion work.

Attention is rightly focused on COVID-19, but sexual health is an essential part of that strategy.

COVID-19 has been found in fecal matter, which means anal play (especially analingus) is considered risky for COVID-19 transmission. Some recent studies have shown that the virus may also be present in semen, which raises further questions about whether it can be sexually transmitted. And, of course, sex generally involves heavy breathing, close contact, and saliva—all of which make transmission of COVID-19 easier.

Any type of partnered sex during the pandemic is risky. But while encouraging students to engage in solo sex rather than partnered sex is great, know that students are still going to be having partnered sex—and not just with longtime partners.

No level of social distancing guidelines or disciplinary measures will keep students from having sex—that isn’t realistic. So instead of going the abstinence-until-the-pandemic-is-over route, here are four practical ways educators can support student sexual health.

Stock up on barrier methods

If campus is reopening and you’re preparing for how you’ll distribute masks and hand sanitizer to your students, make barrier methods widely available, too.

Most college campuses usually have some number of free condoms (and, on occasion, dental dams) available to students. Stockpile a larger supply than you usually do and consider it a form of personal protective equipment.

If your health center is closed or operating at reduced capacity, sexually transmitted infection (STI) testing may be more difficult to access. By making barrier methods more widely available, you’re helping to slow the transmission of STIs, too.

Student leaders can apply for Advocates for Youth’s Condom Collective, and if accepted, they’ll be sent 500 condoms to distribute on campus. Staff members can purchase discounted external condoms, dental dams, and other sexual health products by signing up for a nonprofit account with a company like Global Protection Corp. (the maker of ONE Condoms).

Students and staff alike can also reach out to their local health department, HIV and AIDS advocacy organization, or Planned Parenthood affiliate for barrier methods.

If you typically make barrier methods available by leaving them in communal bowls so students can anonymously grab them, you’ll need to reconsider your methods. Some campuses offer free barrier method delivery to students’ mailboxes—check out CHOICE at Vassar for some inspiration.

Use programs strategically (and don’t be afraid to experiment)

Higher education professionals are well-prepared to host self-care programs—they likely already make up a significant part of the wellness calendar. During the pandemic, that can be expanded even further.

Students will be more isolated than usual, so set aside time to come up with strategic virtual or socially distant programming that can help ease loneliness, stress, and physical discomfort. Livestreamed fitness classes and workshops can give students a task to focus on that promotes pandemic safety as well as their physical and mental health.

Sexual health programming is one component of this. Solo sex is the least risky type of sex (both during the pandemic and in general) so consider virtual workshops that help destigmatize masturbation, emphasize effective communication, or—more broadly—teach students the sex ed they probably didn’t get in high school.

If you plan to distribute barrier methods, consider creating digital programs that can educate students on how to properly use them and what types of sex acts they can be used for. Students may not think about using a barrier method for oral sex most of the time, but health promotion campaigns can help them understand why they should consider it during the pandemic.

Remember that sexual health services are essential

Your institution might be paring back on “nonessential” student services to reduce the number of staff members on campus at one time. But remember, sexual health is an essential part of overall health.

Abortions and preventive care are both harder to access during the pandemic, so think about how your students’ sexual health concerns could be amplified as a result of COVID-19.

If your campus wellness center isn’t able to accommodate common sexual health appointments like STI testing or prescriptions for PrEP, birth control, emergency contraception, gender-affirming hormones, and STI treatments, you can make resources available to educate students on what other options are available to them.

Perhaps you book the mobile STI testing unit for twice as many visits as you normally do, so students can still get quick testing while not crowding together outside the bus (and so the testing staff can sanitize).

You could partner with a telehealth provider to complete appointments virtually. Or look toward telehealth sexual wellness services (like Nurx) to provide students with the services they need. If your campus is fully or mostly remote this semester, send your students information about where they can get free HIV and STI tests. You can even add the Center for Disease Control and Prevention’s testing locator to your website.

Figure out where the gaps are and how you might be able to fill them. You won’t have the capacity to completely fill all of the gaps, but providing students with options and information is necessary.

Leave shame out of it

If you’re in a position where you’ll have to discipline students who aren’t abiding by the COVID-19 guidelines your campus has adopted, you’ll likely soon be feeling a lot of frustration. Most students are going to be following those guidelines to the best of their ability, but the reality is that not everyone will.

So take the sex ed approach: Shame doesn’t do anyone any good. Shaming someone for their behavior just makes them more likely to hide or lie about what they’re doing.

Being on campus during the pandemic is risky—that’s just the reality. Our pandemic precautions might reduce that potential risk (by limiting social gatherings, pushing classes online, and changing how common spaces operate), but ultimately, risk will still be there. So add in a harm reduction approach, too.

Instead of punishing the students you come across making out in the student union, have a conversation about role modeling and respecting their classmates’ comfort. Make sure they have access to the health services and barrier methods they need.

Leaving shame and judgment out of the equation can be uncomfortable for many people—especially when tensions are already high and patience may be running thin—but it’s one essential part of supporting sexual health and living during a pandemic.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Normalizing Kink For Black And Brown Folx

By

The fight for Black rights is ever-growing and ever-changing. Law enforcement is being reformed, congressional conversations on reparations are being revisited, and even businesses, celebrities, and influencers are being held accountable for their anti-Blackness. Although the Black community has seen a lot of progress, from an intersectional standpoint, Black activism spaces lack safety, recognition, and even solidarity for Black folx who are LGBTIA- identifying or lead alternative lifestyles. Within this subset, Black people who are sex and/or kink positive are frowned upon, often subjected to shame and judgment from others. As a Black fat womxn who exists at the intersection of these identities, it’s time to have conversations about what sex and kink positivity are and why they are important for Black liberation.

From a personal standpoint, kink and sex have been a big part of my journey into womanhood. Despite being a late bloomer, my interest in the kink lifestyle started when I was in my mid-to-late teens. I remember staying up late to watch Secretary, and how the power dynamic between James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal’s characters intrigued me. It was something about E. Edward Grey’s sternness and the way he chastised and punished Lee that captured my interest. From that moment, I knew I wanted to learn more about what I had seen. My curiosity grew as I matured, and when I finally entered adulthood, I decided to explore my desires by turning to kink-friendly groups online and different websites. In these virtual spaces, I met a lot of like-minded individuals that not only taught me about the ins and outs of kink, including the roles of dominants and submissives and the meaning of each letter in BDSM, but also became my friends and even partners. Although some of these redeemable qualities have played a critical part in shaping my sexual identity and have kept me coming back to the lifestyle, there was one major issue that always plagued my experience: the lack of Black people.

Just like most communities, kink is inherently white-centric. Being that the lifestyle is a broad umbrella term that encompasses so many different smaller communities and subcultures, a lot of these are made to fetishize Black and brown bodies. I can’t even count how many Carsons and Karens have slid into my inbox and expressed their desires for “a big, beautiful Black woman” and how I fit the bill for their next scene. I’ve even been approached by masters and mistresses in search of creating a dynamic with someone that virtually simulates slavery or a form of race play. Y’all, I’m totally not here to yuck anyone’s yum, but I also want to make one thing clear: there’s a definite difference between a fetish and fetishization, and the aforementioned anecdotes are examples of the latter.

Initially, I felt alone in my experiences, but after chatting with friends and colleagues, I realized I wasn’t the only one. Dawn, an educator and close friend, talked about how fetishization of non-white folx goes beyond the parameters of kink and extends into the realm of sex as well.

“I can’t log into Pornhub or XVideos without being bombarded with white pornstars and nothing that could even remotely resemble representation of someone like me,” she pointed out. “[On these sites] there are even videos that are titled in derogatory and racist ways. As for outside of the digital world, my encounters with white counterparts have been almost always, if not always, rooted in fetishization. Think: ‘I’ve never been with a (blank) before. Is it true that (blank)?’ [with] those blanks being filled with obscenities, ridiculous stereotypes, and dehumanizing rhetoric.”

Our conversation on the origins of this type of behavior doesn’t start with the web, though. Kink and pornography are directly linked to the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade and the moment Black people in this country came to be othered for everything from our skin to perceptions about our ability to endure pain. The effects of slavery are seen overtly in some forms of race play, but they can also be as covert as “[being] welcome in white spaces when they’re looking for “diverse” voices or when they think they’re doing [us] a favor,” said sexologist Goody Howard.

Realizing that images and communal gatekeeping are controlled by white people causes us to take a step back and think about our relationship to sex as Black people and how Black and brown folx feel left out because of whiteness.

“[We were] raised seeing kink [and sex] through the white-centric lens but never got fully respected in white-centric spaces,” Mrz. Neptune Violet explained. “Being Black and brown in kink and sex spaces is a one-sided relationship which entails having the responsibility of appeasing and supporting the consumer while actively being consumed for their pleasure, rendering us excluded and invisible.”

Cheyenne M. Davis

Part of dismantling that narrative is showing up as your authentic self and taking a stand with other marginalized constituents of the community, said Maddox, a ProDomme and Kink Activist. “As a leather person, I am active in the BDSM community here in NYC, and I show the f-ck up! Seriously. The first step to literally anything getting done is attendance.”

Showing up in ways that defy social norms and gender binaries is a big part of that Mrs. Neptune added. There is power in using one’s identity to eradicate all notions of male and female gender norms and what is socially acceptable and unacceptable by “meticulously slapping indelible new Black paint on old, adored white ways,” she explained. By choosing to own their Blackness and identity as sex and kink-positive individuals, those who are non-gender conforming are not only creating change for themselves but for the community at large.

A number of organizations are also pushing for inclusion of Black and brown people and validation of their experiences. I joined LVRSNFRNDS, (pronounced lovers and friends), a UK-based virtual and in-person group made by Sophie Mona Pagès that’s devoted to creating an inclusive and safe environment for everyone, especially BIPOC folx. As a growing global community for people with diverse perspectives on love, sex, kink, and relationships, Pagès organizes events and group discussions, known as salons, to allow members to gather and share their questions and experiences. Topics range from how to discuss contraception with prospective partners to establishing dominate-submissive dynamics in relationships. A major topic that was both challenging and monumental for the group to tackle was unpacking proper ways to honor and make space for Black folx in sex and kink.

Because “Lack of diversity is a deeply ingrained problem in the poly, kink, and BDSM scenes,” Pagès pointed out, LVRSNFRNDS screens all members and has established user agreements to ensure safety and challenge biases, including those related to race, that exist in the group and beyond. The organization also exists as a resource hub to provide access to marginalized groups that have been denied time after time.

Tired of going to munches and joining groups where there was a lack of people that looked like me or even respected my being, and fed up with being tokenized and having inaccurate judgments passed on me because I’m a Black woman, I realized I needed to create something of my own for the people who share my experiences. I channeled all of my anger and frustration into creating Unveild, an inclusive community for Black and brown folx that are kink and sex-positive. Though still in its beginning stages, the budding community offers educational resources on the different elements of the kink lifestyle and it’s been rewarding to see so many people of color respond so positively to its conception and the content that I’ve been creating for it.

Black and brown folx deserve the world. We deserve to fully experience all parts of our pain and pleasure and to be able to exist in and use sex and kink as a means to explore ourselves and our desires. Sexual liberation starts within. It begins with understanding religious and conservative occidental views on sex, desire, and pleasure. And it’s paramount that we have these hard conversations in order to destigmatize the societal taboos that have been placed on us. Raising awareness on kink and sex as it pertains to Black and brown individuals boils down to acknowledging Black folks as sexual beings because, as Dawn put it plainly, “We have sex too, and Black people should be allowed to just be.”

Maddox echoed that sentiment and the sense of urgency in unpacking the shame surrounding sexualities and kink. “It’s time for representation,” she said. “The correct kind.”

For Goody, that means representation of those in the kink community within the larger fight for representation of all Black and brown people.” If we truly are going to normalize and fight for the existence of Black people, we cannot forget Black people that live ‘alternative lifestyles’ as well.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Here’s What a ‘Sexpert’ Wants You to Know About Sex Toys

(No, You Can’t Use a Vibrator Too Much)

‘Taking time to challenge and explore ideas around pleasure will help with your sex education.’

By Atalie Gimmel

While sex toys used to be seen as gratuitous and only for the sexually “adventurous,” they’re now commonplace—especially at a time when city governments are advising that “you are your safest sex partner” amid COVID-19. The “sex tech” industry is booming—and experts are linking their overall use to increased rates of orgasms, especially for women. Despite the taboos that surround sex toys, and for that matter, female sexuality and desire, research tells us that the use of sex toys increases the frequency of orgasms. Not only that, but sex toys have also been linked to fascilitating orgasms for perimenopausal, menopausal, and post-menopausal women with orgasmic disorder.

“Only four percent of people with vaginas orgasm most reliably from penetration alone,” says Dr. Laurie Mintz, a professor at the University of Florida and licensed psychologist. “The rest need clitoral stimulation, either alone or coupled with penetration.” The author of “A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex” and “Becoming Cliterate,” and ‘sexpert’ for sex toy company LELO, Mintz is an expert on the art—and science—of the orgasm. Naturally, the topic of sex toys comes up regularly. Plain and simple, she explains, “people with vaginas who use vibrators have easier and more frequent orgasms.”

Below, Dr. Mintz answers your top questions about using sex toys—submitted via the @VogueWeddings Instagram—including how to get started, which ones work best with a partner, and whether or not it’s possible to use them too much.

What is a good vibrator to start with?

If you’re a first-time vibrator user, check out the sex toys at LELO. Additionally, both the stores Babeland and Good Vibrations have sections for first-time vibrator users.

I’ve never owned one, what sex toy should I get first?

I suggest a clitoral vibrator that has different speeds that you can experiment with. The overwhelming majority of people with vaginas need clitoral stimulation to orgasm and this is why I recommend starting with a clitoral vibrator. Additionally, the intensity of the vibrations enjoyed will vary among people with vaginas and this is why I recommend variable speeds/intensities.

How do I let my partner know that I only orgasm with sex toys?

You can’t overdo your vibrator use. So if you always need a vibrator to orgasm, let them know this and, more importantly, always use a vibrator! It’s that simple.

How can I introduce sex toys into my relationship?

Imagine yourself swimming in a pool with your partner. You’re having a great day swimming, and there happens to be a raft there, and you jump on and off the raft. At the end of the day you don’t call your friend and say, ‘my raft and I had so much fun, and oh my partner was there too.’ The same is true for using sex toys. Make sure you and your partner both understand that sex toys are not a substitute for a partner, but rather tools that provide additional stimulation—and then the fun part: go shopping!

Is it possible to use a vibrator too much? Will it cause damage?

Sex toys cannot make your clitoris loose feeling or damage it permamently. If you use it for a while and start to go numb, just take a break—just like if your butt goes numb from riding a bike.

I’m thinking about gifting my partner a sex toy; is that weird or offensive?

Giving your partner the gift of a sex toy is not weird at all. In fact that message it gives is beautiful, it says you care about their pleasure.

What toys do you recommend for both partners to enjoy?

For two people with vaginas having sex, bring whatever toy you use on yourself and teach your partner how to use it on you if they don’t know; you can even use it alone while your partner kisses or caresses you in other areas. If one person has a penis and the other has a vagina, you can also bring whatever you normally use and instruct your partner on how to use it on you; you can also try a cock ring with an attached clitoral vibrator—the person with the penis can wear it during intercourse, stimulating their partner.

What is the proper way to sanitize and clean your sex toys?

Most sex toys can be cleaned with mild antibacterial soap and warm water. Wash them for at least 20 seconds and dry them with a clean towel. Additionally, you can purchase sex toy cleaner. I personally use LELO’s cleaner which you simply spray on, wait five seconds, and rinse off.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

How Queer Women Powered the Suffrage Movement

For many suffragists, scholars have found, the freedom to choose whom and how they loved was tied deeply to the idea of voting rights.

Molly Dewson, left, with Polly Porter in 1925. Their relationship is one of many that have surfaced as scholars seek to broaden history’s narrative of the suffrage movement.

By Maya Salam

In 1920, the suffragist Molly Dewson sat down to write a letter of congratulations to Maud Wood Park, who had just been chosen as the first president of the League of Women Voters, formed in anticipation of the passage of the 19th Amendment to help millions of women carry out their newfound right as voters.

“Partner and I have been bursting with pride and satisfaction,” she wrote. Dewson didn’t need to specify who “partner” was. Park already knew that Dewson was in a committed relationship with Polly Porter, whom she had met a decade earlier. The couple then settled down at a farm in Massachusetts (where they named their bulls after men they disliked).

Dewson “made every political decision, career decision based on how it would affect her relationship with Polly Porter,” Susan Ware, a historian and the author of “Partner and I” and “Why They Marched: Untold Stories of the Women Who Fought for the Right to Vote,” said in a phone interview.

Dewson was far from the only suffragist who had romantic relationships with women. Many of the women who fought for representation were rebels living nonnormative, queer lives.

“These kinds of non-heteronormative relationships were just part and parcel of the suffrage movement,” Ware said. “It’s not like we are having to dig and turn up like two or three women. They’re everywhere.” Including among the highest echelons of the movement.

In her diary, Alice Dunbar-Nelson, an African-American writer and a suffrage field organizer, described “a thriving lesbian and bisexual subculture among Black suffragists and clubwomen,” Wendy Rouse, a historian and associate professor at San Jose State University, wrote in an article published on the website of the Women’s Suffrage Centennial Commission. In those entries, Dunbar-Nelson wrote about the romantic and sexual experiences she had with men and women both while she was single and while she was married.

Carrie Chapman Catt, a president of the National American Woman Suffrage Association (NAWSA), settled down with Mary Garrett Hay, a prominent suffragist in New York, after the death of Catt’s second husband. Catt asked that she be buried alongside Hay (instead of either of her husbands), which she was, at Woodlawn Cemetery in the Bronx.

And Dr. Anna Howard Shaw, another NAWSA president, had a decades-long relationship with Lucy Anthony, the niece of Susan B. Anthony. Though the elder Anthony was concerned about her niece’s long-term well-being, given more than a decade difference in their ages, she understood the kind of relationship she was in, said Lillian Faderman, a scholar of L.G.B.T.Q. history, who wrote the book “To Believe in Women: What Lesbians Have Done for America — A History.” Shaw “assured Susan that she would take care of Lucy forever,” Faderman said in a phone interview, “and she did indeed do that.”

Susan B. Anthony herself had relationships with women, Faderman said. Anthony wrote romantic letters to the suffragist Anna Elizabeth Dickinson and had a long relationship with Emily Gross. Faderman found letters — one to a relative, another to a close friend — in which Anthony refers to Gross as her lover. Lover was a term used for an admirer, but not in Anthony’s vocabulary, Faderman said.

Today, we have many terms for romantic relationships between women: lesbian, bisexual, same-sex and queer, among others. In the late 1800s and early 1900s, they were sometimes called “romantic friendships” or Boston marriages, which Faderman described as “long-term domestic relationships between two women who were financially independent thinkers.”

When the history of the 19th Amendment is taught in classrooms, suffragists are often depicted as boring, chaste and dowdy, and their campaign is rarely framed as a major social and political movement. But as greater attention is starting to be paid to suffrage history, and to the roles of Black and brown women, the narrative that is emerging is much more varied. This broader, more accurate picture is also increasing our understanding of queerness in the movement. Rouse, who is among scholars working to “queer the suffrage movement” — which she described as “deconstructing the dominant narrative that has focused on the stories of elite, white, upper-class suffragists” — uses “queer” as an umbrella term to describe suffragists who challenged gender and sexual norms in their everyday lives.

They did this by choosing not to marry, for example, or by living a life outside the rigid expectations placed on women in other ways. The suffragist Gail Laughlin demanded that pockets be sewn into her dresses, a radical request at the time.

Belle Squire, a suffragist from Illinois, “not only wanted the vote, she wanted to smash what we now call ‘the patriarchy,’” Rouse wrote in her article. In 1910, inspired by Squire and her No Vote, No Tax League, thousands of women refused to pay their taxes until women were granted the right to vote. Squire also publicly declared her refusal to marry, “a bold statement against the oppression of women,” Rouse wrote. And, demanding the same respect as married women, she insisted on being called Mrs. Squire, not Miss Squire.

Of course, the reality of living as an outlier wasn’t exactly rosy, especially for women in the working class or women with a more masculine presentation. In her research, Faderman found several instances in which a sex toy was found in the possession of women, a discovery that she said was “certainly frowned upon.” Those women, especially if they were of a lower social status, “were sentenced to jail” or “sentenced to be publicly whipped.”

The societal expectation that middle- and upper-class white women would marry men created a smoke screen of sorts. “I think that the world outside didn’t speculate about the possibilities of a sexual relationship between” women, Faderman said, adding that parents were probably relieved to learn that their daughter had an intense relationship with a female friend, and not a man, before marriage.

In a way, this smoke screen extended to detractors of the movement, known as anti-suffragists. Anti-suffragists already viewed suffragists as abnormal for wanting equal rights, and they pointed to gender-nonconforming suffragists as evidence that the movement was deviant. They argued that these women would reject marriage, family and the home, and they feared women would adopt men’s clothes and assume male privileges, Rouse said in an email. But somehow they didn’t latch onto the fact that many of these women were having romantic relationships with each other.

This oversight was in part because same-sex relationships didn’t start to be pathologized until the early 20th century, and because, as Ware put it, “Women are kind of invisible, period.” But maybe most of all, it was because the suffrage movement itself downplayed the queerness within it, Rouse said, a defensive strategy that contributed to the erasure of queer suffragists.

Leaders of the movement (including Shaw and Catt) opted instead to present a version “palatable to the mainstream,” Rouse said, by emphasizing normalcy. So suffragists who were seemingly happily married wives and mothers — or young, beautiful and affluent, a.k.a. marriage material — became the faces of the movement.

Despite this internal friction and these fraught side effects, it ultimately made practical sense that queer women would be at the forefront of the movement. Married women of the day often had children, and mothers didn’t have time to lead a movement, Faderman said. “But the women who didn’t have kids, they did have time to lead.”

For these queer women, the freedom to choose whom and how they loved was tied deeply to the idea of voting rights.

“They knew they would have no man to represent them,” Faderman said, echoing a common refrain among married women who were not suffragists: “My husband votes for me. He votes for the family.” But unmarried or gay women knew that would not be the case for them, she said, and so, “they needed to get the vote for themselves.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Let’s Talk About Sex

— Women-Led Digital Platforms That You Must Check Out

From the female orgasm to increasing the visibility of underrepresented sexual orientations, these women-led digital platforms are hitting the right spot.

by Ojas Kolvankar

Prom nights, cheerleading squads, and annual basketball games are all representative of classic high school films that we have all been guilty of binge-watching at some point in time. So when director Ben Taylor’s Sex Education, a popular Netflix series, came around, it was a breath of fresh air in an, otherwise overcrowded genre as it normalised the conversations around teenage sex, and sex in general, portraying it in all its awkward, confusing glory. The show is centered around Otis (Asa Butterfield), the awkward, virgin teenage son of a sex therapist (Gillian Anderson), who along with his friend, Maeve (Emma Mackey), decide to put his mother’s (sometimes) overbearing skills to use in order to make a little cash. They discover that their classmates are bogged down by sex and body issues they’re not comfortable speaking about with anyone.

In addition to educating us about sexual health practices, the show destigmatises masturbation, sexual fetishes, and fantasies, while also shining the spotlight on cyberbullying and physical harassment. Closer home, a slew of independent, women-led digital platforms are also normalising the conversations around sex, namely Agents of Ishq, Liberating Sexuality, RedWomb, and LSD Cast (Love Sex Desire).

First up, filmmaker and writer, Paromita Vohra’s bi-lingual multimedia platform, Agents of Ishq that uses interesting audio-visual formats to disseminate information about sex. For instance a Lavani on consent to animation on masturbation to a survey on how men feel about their penis. “I started Agents of Ishq because I felt the pre-existing conversation about sex was stultifying. We have always talked about sex in context to violence or negativity – how to avoid rape, pregnancy, or disease. Even though lived experiences are complex and multi-layered, we have spoken about it in a polarised way between the sexual revolution and absolute repression. Agents of Ishq created a friendly, fluid, and inclusive space. We even used relatable (desi) language to talk about sex, rooted in Indian experience and contexts.” explains Vohra.

The platform now has over 250 user-generated accounts of their sexual experiences and a highly engaged audience that looks out for fun, clarification, confession, a sense of community, and even sharing their own stories. They have affirmed their audience that they are not alone who have doubts and questions about the subject.

In the same vein Indraja Saroha’s YouTube channel, Liberating Sexuality is a repository of sex-positive videos that look at the intersection of mental health, body positivity, and sexuality. The law graduate started the platform to begin a conversation around taboo subjects. Indraja believes for a woman to express her sexual desires is a revolutionary act. Women tend to attract attention from people who consider this to be a declaration of their sexual availability because they’ve almost never seen a woman’s sexuality independent of the male gaze, or have reduced it to fetishisation. Further, Saroha elaborates, “Whether it is movies, pop culture, art, or even sex education, the conversation is limited to heterosexual men, as if they are the only ones entitled to pleasure and by extension, to have their desires represented and acknowledged as normal. Most of us need a voice, someone we relate to, who can express what we feel. It helps us feel less lonely, realise that our experiences are natural and we have our own agency.”

Similarly, Independent radio producer and journalist Chhavi Sachdev encourages people to engage in open conversations about sex through her candid podcast, LSDCast – Love, Sex, and Dating. While Pallavi Barnwal, a sex educator and founder of RedWomb, organises meetings to help men and women embrace their vulnerability and sexuality in a safe space. “Being a woman who runs a sex-positive platform has worked in my favour. I’m not only able to discuss issues faced by other women, but also engage with people from different genders and age groups without my intentions being questioned. Had it been man, he wouldn’t have received similar access” adds Pallavi.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

What Is A Sleep Divorce?

+ Why You May Want One

by Abby Moore

Moving in with a partner is an exciting step in most relationships, but it does require an adjustment period. For some couples, sharing a bed is one of the hardest parts to get used to. Not only does it create a total lack of privacy, but snoring, different bedtimes, and blanket-hogging can disrupt sleep quality. So, what’s the solution?

Many couples opt for a sleep divorce to promote overall sleep quality, decrease conflict, and have their own space. Sleeping in separate bedrooms is often seen as a sign of an unhealthy or troubled relationship—but it may actually be just the opposite.

A sleep divorce occurs when partners live together but choose to sleep in separate beds or bedrooms to get better sleep. “Unlike when a partner decides to sleep elsewhere for a single night or accidentally falls asleep on the couch, a sleep divorce happens when couples make a clear decision to break sleeping ties for the foreseeable future,” says relationship therapist Weena Cullins, LCMFT.

Sleep divorce agreements can be long term or temporary, depending on the situation. For example, some couples sleep together the majority of the year but separate throughout a pregnancy or an illness.

Why you may want to sleep apart.

Studies show sleeping apart can improve the overall mental and physical health of each partner.

“Over time, some partners find it difficult to get good rest with their partner lying beside them,” Cullins says. Common problems that may initiate a sleep divorce include:

  • Snoring and other breathing issues, like sleep apnea.
  • Hogging pillows and blankets
  • Sleeping diagonally or taking up too much space.
  • Tossing and turning due to restlessness.
  • Late-night TV watching or social media scrolling.
  • Different sleep schedules.
  • Being a light sleeper.

“Another less talked about reason some partners ask for a sleep divorce is a lack of sexual desire or connection,” Cullins says. “When one partner doesn’t crave physical intimacy and fears their partner may proposition them for cuddling or sex, they may choose to proactively sleep in a different space to avoid the unwanted requests.”

How to bring it up with your partner.

Broaching the subject of a sleep divorce can be tricky. It may come off the wrong way and offend your partner, but proper sleep is critical for personal health and the health of the relationship.

When bringing it up, sex educator and marriage therapist Lexx Brown-James, Ph.D., LMFT, says to reassure your partner they’re wanted and loved: “Intimacy can still be had. It’s just for sleep and rest.” It may also be helpful to track your sleep patterns on a fitness tracker or app for one to two weeks and then journal about your sleep experience.

“Be as honest as possible, and include any connections you see between lack of rest and strained interactions between you and your partner,” Cullins says. “Approach any discussion about sleeping apart with sincerity and care. Let your partner know that you’ve put some serious thought into your request, and be willing to share your sleep logs or journal with them.”

Keep in mind, while you’ve had time to process the potential change, your partner hasn’t. Be patient as they think through the decision. “In the end, you may have to compromise by sleeping apart on some designated nights of the week while agreeing to sleep together on some nights,” Cullins says.

Tips for keeping intimacy alive.

If you both agree to sleep apart, make a plan to maintain physical intimacy outside of the bedroom. Asking your partner what turns them on and how they like sex to be initiated can be the key to doing this, Brown-James says. Giving your partner sexual context clues can also help get them in the mood.

“Remember, intimacy is not necessarily full-on intercourse,” Brown-James says. “Intimacy can be body rubbing, sexting from another room, using pleasure-enhancing devices, and simple things like specific pleasurable touch.”

Sleep divorce is not for everyone. In fact, some studies have shown people do sleep better with a partner (or at least their scent). However, if sharing a bed is beginning to interfere with your quality of sleep, it may be worth considering.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

‘Am I Bisexual?’

18 Signs According To Experts

Everyone’s journey is different, but…

By Gabrielle Kassel

Your sexuality is *not* like your love language or Myers Briggs type, so you can’t expect an online quiz to answer a question like: “Am I bisexual?”

But how do you know if you’re bisexual? There are no-tell tale signs or giveaways. “Everyone comes into their bisexuality at different times and in different ways,” says bisexual queer sex educator Lisa Finn brand manager and queer sex educator at sex-toy emporium Babeland. (Read more: So What Does It Mean To Be Bisexual, Exactly?)

If you’re wondering if you might be bisexual, though, you’re probably looking for a little more guidance than that. That’s why we talked to sexuality professionals and self-identifying bisexuals to round up a list of ways to explore and gain insight on your (bi)sexuality.

Wait, what’s the definition of bisexual?

Before you can identify something, you probably need to know what it means. Right? Right!

Wendasha Jenkins Hall, PhD, a sex educator and researcher based in Atlanta explains: Traditionally, bisexuality was used to describe attraction to both men and women, but as our understanding of gender has become more expansive, the definition of bisexuality has expanded, too.

Nowadays, “bisexuality is defined as the sexual and/or romantic attraction to people who are of the same gender and people who have a different gender than your own,” she says.

Amanda, 36, Orlando says, “For a long time I didn’t identify as bisexual because I was scared of invalidating my non-binary partner’s identity.” It wasn’t until she took the time to read The Bisexuality Manifesto that she felt comfortable embracing the term.

First published in 1990 in a news periodical dedicated to the bisexual community, Anything That Moves, the manifesto explicitly states: “Do not assume that bisexuality is binary or duogamous in nature: that we have “two” sides or that we must be involved simultaneously with both genders to be fulfilled human beings. In fact, don’t assume that there are only two genders.” (Read it in full for even more affirming, myth-busting nuggets).

Learn more about pansexuality

When you’re exploring your sexuality, learning about all the different labels available can be helpful.

“If you’re exploring your identity, you can always try out the ‘pansexual’ label for a bit, and then switch to the ‘bisexual’ label if it doesn’t fit,” says sexologist and Gabrielle Alexa Noel, bisexual advocate and founder of shop Bi Girls Club. Ditto for the reverse. Or you can end up using both. (Bisexuality and pansexuality are *not* mutually exclusive!)

ICYWW: “The difference between bisexual and pansexual is that a pansexual individual is sexually and/or romantically attracted to any and all genders while a bisexual person is attracted to multiple genders,” says Hall.

Now, here are some signs you could be bisexual, along with a couple myths. Remember: Everyone is different, but hopefully these experiences and tips can offer some guidance.

1. You’re evolving

“Sexuality can change over our lifetime,” says Hall. “So, a person who identified as straight can discover they have a sexual attraction to other genders in their 40s.”

Personally, after identifying as a lesbian for the first 23 years of my life, when I was 24, I discovered that I’m also attracted to cis-men. Does that mean I lied when I first came out? Nope! It just means my sexuality evolved. (Related: What Does It Actually Mean To Be Sexually Fluid?)

2. Bisexuality doesn’t have a #lewk

Despite the fact that it’s the 21st century, people still love to spew nonsense like “you don’t look bisexual” or “you’re too pretty to be bisexual.” Eek. So, here’s your friendly reminder that no sexuality has a uniform or mandated aesthetic.

“Your gender identity or presentation doesn’t have anything to do with your sexuality,” says Finn. “You can present femininely, androgynously, masculinely, or any other way, and be bi.”

3. You just have a feeling

Sometimes your bisexuality just hits you. Such was the case for Michelle, 27, OR. “While I’d known for a long time that I’m not straight, it didn’t occur to me to claim the title for myself.” Then, one day, she was hanging out with one of her genderqueer partners and she says, “It just hit me like: “Oh, Michelle, you’re bi. Duh!”

Other times, you just know. Sex writer Gabrielle Smith says, “I don’t have a distinctive memory of realizing my sexuality, I just always kinda knew.”

4. Don’t look at your sexual CV for confirmation

“You don’t need to sleep with someone of a different gender to ‘activate’ your bisexuality,” says Tawny Lara, a sexuality and sobriety expert. You can be bi no matter what your sexual CV says. K?

5. You want to branch out

That said, if there’s a bi/queer/gay cutie who wants to help you explore your sexuality, take them up on it! Olivia Zayas Ryan a femme queer bisexual writer says: “In grade school, I had one friend who was out as bi and I told her that I thought I might be bi,” says Ryan. Then, they kissed and she realized ‘Yep! I’m bi!’. Christie, 29, San Diego had a similar experience. “I kissed a girl and I realized I liked it.” Cue Katy Perry.

6. You want to try new dating apps

Just be upfront about your current experience level, suggests Noel. “Some people don’t want to put in the emotional and educational labor of helping someone become secure in their queer identity,” she says.

Ryan recommends plopping a line in your bio like: Newly out as bisexual and looking for friends or more. (PS: Lex, Hashtag Open, and Tinder are the best apps for exploring.)

7. Music videos give you some ~feels~

Really! More people than you might guess credit ~sexually explicit~ music vids to their sexual awakening. Lara, for instance, points to Lenny Kravitz’s “Again”. “I realized I was attracted to him and Gina Gershon!” And Amanda, 30, Los Angeles thanks Britney’s, “I’m A Slave 4 U” and “Toxic”. “I fell down a Britney music video rabbit hole one morning and came out of it liking girls,” she says.

These days, there are music videos with explicit queer and bisexual representation (#bless). Find them in Noel’s Instagram nominations for Best WLW Videos 2018-2019 or her Spotify playlist u don’t have to trip. If they make you tingle, noodle on that.

8. Check your YouTube history

Did you rewatch Glee’s Santana and Quinn’s first kiss on YouTube? How about Callie and Arizona’s on Grey’s Anatomy? Ryan did! “I used to rewatch queer kissing scenes on YouTube over and over and over. At the time I pretended it was because I was just really invested in the storyline.” Spoiler alert: It was more than that.

Other shows you may have found yourself doing this for include (but are not limited to): South of Nowhere, Skins, Degrassi, and The OC.

9. Your favorite movies are…

No doubt, Brokeback Mountain, Call Me By Your Name, and Dallas Buyers Club are great movies. But babes, if your list of faves also includes queer cult classics like The Runaways, Thirteen, Carol, But I’m A Cheerleader, Watermelon Woman, and Go Fish…Well, “the movies you find yourself gravitating towards are a good indication of the storylines you feel speak to your experience,” Noel says.

This content is imported from {embed-name}. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

10. Think about your friendships growing up

“I always had incredibly intimate, codependent, romantic, and vaguely sexual relationships with my girl best friends growing up,” says Brittany, 33, Boston. “Looking back on it, this was definitely because I was in love with them.”

Obvi, some degree of intimacy between friends is common. But the intimacy in your friendships in childhood and adulthood veers into romantic or sexual territory, it could suggest attraction.

11. There may be clues in your dating history

“I’d dated men and women on and off for a long time before realizing that there was a label that described that experience,” says Grace, 39, Maine.

Susanna, 22, Virginia had a similar experience: “I had a secret boyfriend and middle school and a secret girlfriend in high school, so once I heard the term I was like ‘OK, that’s me.”

As Finn puts it: “Sometimes we just do our thing, not realizing there’s a label associated with it.” So, if you’ve dated folks of many genders and you like the way “bisexual” feels rolling of your tongue, you’re bi! But again, this won’t apply to everyone, and you can’t always go by your history. What’s your future?

12. Think back on Tumblr habits

Tumblr was capital-T The accessible pit-stop for erotic content. “I was obsessed with the Tumblr hashtags #girlskissing and #girlsongirls growing up,” says Ryan. “It was a way for me to explore porn in a safe way.” (FYI: Tumblr banned sexually explicit content in 2018.)

Karen*, 25, Charleston also relied on Tumblr for erotic aid. “There was this one GIF with Mila Kunis that holy cow….”

13. You want to spend time in queer spaces

Spending time in queer spaces (think: gay bars, drag shows, queer dance clubs, and burlesque events) helped sex and LGBTQ+ issue journalist, Charyn Pfeuffer, embrace her bisexual identity. “Spending time in spaces where people weren’t judged for their sexuality, even if they were questioning, was affirming,” she says. “Knowing I wasn’t alone had support from like-minded people was a powerful tool in owning my authentic self.”

Tip: Follow your town’s LGBTQ Meet Up group, and when your local community’s social distancing guidelines allow, pick one or two to attend each month.

14. You’re entertaining a mixed-gender threesome

“I agreed to have a threesome with my boyfriend as some kind of birthday gift to him,” says Faith, 38, New York. “But in the middle of it, I realized I actually wanted to have sex with the girl more than my boyfriend.” After the third time that happened, “it just kind of dawned on me that I really like girls, too.”

Of course, if you’ve had a mixed-gender threesome and didn’t like it, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not bisexual! There are plenty of reasons beyond the gender-combinations that a threesome can flop.

15. Enjoy some (ethical) porn

“Porn was definitely helpful in helping me understand my sexuality,” Noel says. And according to Finn, this is a common experience. But Noel notes, “porn also negatively impacted my sexuality and understanding of what is beautiful.”

Finn’s recommendation: If it’s accessible to you, pay for your porn. Why? Because porn platforms you pay for generally respect and compensate their talent more than free ones. FourChambers, CrashPad, Bellesa, and Math Magazine are good options. “Take the time to explore different categories and take note of what turns you on,” she suggests.

16. You’re ready to become a bisexual scholar

Hey bookworms, check out:

Why? Because as Noel puts it: “Seeing yourself represented between the pages of a book can be helpful for understanding your own identity.”

17. Reflect on biphobic messages you might have received

“I grew up in a super conservative family where I was taught and that being gay or bisexual is an abomination,” says Hannah, 26, Houston. “It wasn’t until I went away to college and began to unlearn some of the biphobic teachings I’d been taught that I realized I was bisexual.”

Some common biphobic myths include: That bisexual folks are greedy, indecisive, or just going through a phase. UGH. Unpacking and working through internalized biphobia is no walk in the park. “It can create feelings of shame,” says Finn. Unburdening yourself from those toxic learnings may make you feel more comfortable exploring your sexuality. If you grew up in a sex-negative household, consider working with a queer-inclusive therapist, if it’s financially accessible to you.

18. Ask yourself ‘Why am I reading this?’

Sure, it’s entirely possible that you’re reading this article to get insight for a bi-curious BFF. But if you Googled “am I bi?” or “signs I’m bi,” odds are good you’re not straight. As Noel puts it, “I’ve yet to meet someone straight who Googled [those questions] who ended up not being bisexual or queer or pan.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!