18 Signs According To Experts
Everyone’s journey is different, but…
Your sexuality is *not* like your love language or Myers Briggs type, so you can’t expect an online quiz to answer a question like: “Am I bisexual?”
But how do you know if you’re bisexual? There are no-tell tale signs or giveaways. “Everyone comes into their bisexuality at different times and in different ways,” says bisexual queer sex educator Lisa Finn brand manager and queer sex educator at sex-toy emporium Babeland. (Read more: So What Does It Mean To Be Bisexual, Exactly?)
If you’re wondering if you might be bisexual, though, you’re probably looking for a little more guidance than that. That’s why we talked to sexuality professionals and self-identifying bisexuals to round up a list of ways to explore and gain insight on your (bi)sexuality.
Wait, what’s the definition of bisexual?
Before you can identify something, you probably need to know what it means. Right? Right!
Wendasha Jenkins Hall, PhD, a sex educator and researcher based in Atlanta explains: Traditionally, bisexuality was used to describe attraction to both men and women, but as our understanding of gender has become more expansive, the definition of bisexuality has expanded, too.
Nowadays, “bisexuality is defined as the sexual and/or romantic attraction to people who are of the same gender and people who have a different gender than your own,” she says.
Amanda, 36, Orlando says, “For a long time I didn’t identify as bisexual because I was scared of invalidating my non-binary partner’s identity.” It wasn’t until she took the time to read The Bisexuality Manifesto that she felt comfortable embracing the term.
First published in 1990 in a news periodical dedicated to the bisexual community, Anything That Moves, the manifesto explicitly states: “Do not assume that bisexuality is binary or duogamous in nature: that we have “two” sides or that we must be involved simultaneously with both genders to be fulfilled human beings. In fact, don’t assume that there are only two genders.” (Read it in full for even more affirming, myth-busting nuggets).
Learn more about pansexuality
When you’re exploring your sexuality, learning about all the different labels available can be helpful.
“If you’re exploring your identity, you can always try out the ‘pansexual’ label for a bit, and then switch to the ‘bisexual’ label if it doesn’t fit,” says sexologist and Gabrielle Alexa Noel, bisexual advocate and founder of shop Bi Girls Club. Ditto for the reverse. Or you can end up using both. (Bisexuality and pansexuality are *not* mutually exclusive!)
ICYWW: “The difference between bisexual and pansexual is that a pansexual individual is sexually and/or romantically attracted to any and all genders while a bisexual person is attracted to multiple genders,” says Hall.
Now, here are some signs you could be bisexual, along with a couple myths. Remember: Everyone is different, but hopefully these experiences and tips can offer some guidance.
1. You’re evolving
“Sexuality can change over our lifetime,” says Hall. “So, a person who identified as straight can discover they have a sexual attraction to other genders in their 40s.”
Personally, after identifying as a lesbian for the first 23 years of my life, when I was 24, I discovered that I’m also attracted to cis-men. Does that mean I lied when I first came out? Nope! It just means my sexuality evolved. (Related: What Does It Actually Mean To Be Sexually Fluid?)
2. Bisexuality doesn’t have a #lewk
Despite the fact that it’s the 21st century, people still love to spew nonsense like “you don’t look bisexual” or “you’re too pretty to be bisexual.” Eek. So, here’s your friendly reminder that no sexuality has a uniform or mandated aesthetic.
“Your gender identity or presentation doesn’t have anything to do with your sexuality,” says Finn. “You can present femininely, androgynously, masculinely, or any other way, and be bi.”
3. You just have a feeling
Sometimes your bisexuality just hits you. Such was the case for Michelle, 27, OR. “While I’d known for a long time that I’m not straight, it didn’t occur to me to claim the title for myself.” Then, one day, she was hanging out with one of her genderqueer partners and she says, “It just hit me like: “Oh, Michelle, you’re bi. Duh!”
Other times, you just know. Sex writer Gabrielle Smith says, “I don’t have a distinctive memory of realizing my sexuality, I just always kinda knew.”
4. Don’t look at your sexual CV for confirmation
“You don’t need to sleep with someone of a different gender to ‘activate’ your bisexuality,” says Tawny Lara, a sexuality and sobriety expert. You can be bi no matter what your sexual CV says. K?
5. You want to branch out
That said, if there’s a bi/queer/gay cutie who wants to help you explore your sexuality, take them up on it! Olivia Zayas Ryan a femme queer bisexual writer says: “In grade school, I had one friend who was out as bi and I told her that I thought I might be bi,” says Ryan. Then, they kissed and she realized ‘Yep! I’m bi!’. Christie, 29, San Diego had a similar experience. “I kissed a girl and I realized I liked it.” Cue Katy Perry.
6. You want to try new dating apps
Just be upfront about your current experience level, suggests Noel. “Some people don’t want to put in the emotional and educational labor of helping someone become secure in their queer identity,” she says.
Ryan recommends plopping a line in your bio like: Newly out as bisexual and looking for friends or more. (PS: Lex, Hashtag Open, and Tinder are the best apps for exploring.)
7. Music videos give you some ~feels~
Really! More people than you might guess credit ~sexually explicit~ music vids to their sexual awakening. Lara, for instance, points to Lenny Kravitz’s “Again”. “I realized I was attracted to him and Gina Gershon!” And Amanda, 30, Los Angeles thanks Britney’s, “I’m A Slave 4 U” and “Toxic”. “I fell down a Britney music video rabbit hole one morning and came out of it liking girls,” she says.
These days, there are music videos with explicit queer and bisexual representation (#bless). Find them in Noel’s Instagram nominations for Best WLW Videos 2018-2019 or her Spotify playlist u don’t have to trip. If they make you tingle, noodle on that.
8. Check your YouTube history
Did you rewatch Glee’s Santana and Quinn’s first kiss on YouTube? How about Callie and Arizona’s on Grey’s Anatomy? Ryan did! “I used to rewatch queer kissing scenes on YouTube over and over and over. At the time I pretended it was because I was just really invested in the storyline.” Spoiler alert: It was more than that.
Other shows you may have found yourself doing this for include (but are not limited to): South of Nowhere, Skins, Degrassi, and The OC.
9. Your favorite movies are…
No doubt, Brokeback Mountain, Call Me By Your Name, and Dallas Buyers Club are great movies. But babes, if your list of faves also includes queer cult classics like The Runaways, Thirteen, Carol, But I’m A Cheerleader, Watermelon Woman, and Go Fish…Well, “the movies you find yourself gravitating towards are a good indication of the storylines you feel speak to your experience,” Noel says.
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10. Think about your friendships growing up
“I always had incredibly intimate, codependent, romantic, and vaguely sexual relationships with my girl best friends growing up,” says Brittany, 33, Boston. “Looking back on it, this was definitely because I was in love with them.”
Obvi, some degree of intimacy between friends is common. But the intimacy in your friendships in childhood and adulthood veers into romantic or sexual territory, it could suggest attraction.
11. There may be clues in your dating history
“I’d dated men and women on and off for a long time before realizing that there was a label that described that experience,” says Grace, 39, Maine.
Susanna, 22, Virginia had a similar experience: “I had a secret boyfriend and middle school and a secret girlfriend in high school, so once I heard the term I was like ‘OK, that’s me.”
As Finn puts it: “Sometimes we just do our thing, not realizing there’s a label associated with it.” So, if you’ve dated folks of many genders and you like the way “bisexual” feels rolling of your tongue, you’re bi! But again, this won’t apply to everyone, and you can’t always go by your history. What’s your future?
12. Think back on Tumblr habits
Tumblr was capital-T The accessible pit-stop for erotic content. “I was obsessed with the Tumblr hashtags #girlskissing and #girlsongirls growing up,” says Ryan. “It was a way for me to explore porn in a safe way.” (FYI: Tumblr banned sexually explicit content in 2018.)
Karen*, 25, Charleston also relied on Tumblr for erotic aid. “There was this one GIF with Mila Kunis that holy cow….”
13. You want to spend time in queer spaces
Spending time in queer spaces (think: gay bars, drag shows, queer dance clubs, and burlesque events) helped sex and LGBTQ+ issue journalist, Charyn Pfeuffer, embrace her bisexual identity. “Spending time in spaces where people weren’t judged for their sexuality, even if they were questioning, was affirming,” she says. “Knowing I wasn’t alone had support from like-minded people was a powerful tool in owning my authentic self.”
Tip: Follow your town’s LGBTQ Meet Up group, and when your local community’s social distancing guidelines allow, pick one or two to attend each month.
14. You’re entertaining a mixed-gender threesome
“I agreed to have a threesome with my boyfriend as some kind of birthday gift to him,” says Faith, 38, New York. “But in the middle of it, I realized I actually wanted to have sex with the girl more than my boyfriend.” After the third time that happened, “it just kind of dawned on me that I really like girls, too.”
Of course, if you’ve had a mixed-gender threesome and didn’t like it, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not bisexual! There are plenty of reasons beyond the gender-combinations that a threesome can flop.
15. Enjoy some (ethical) porn
“Porn was definitely helpful in helping me understand my sexuality,” Noel says. And according to Finn, this is a common experience. But Noel notes, “porn also negatively impacted my sexuality and understanding of what is beautiful.”
Finn’s recommendation: If it’s accessible to you, pay for your porn. Why? Because porn platforms you pay for generally respect and compensate their talent more than free ones. FourChambers, CrashPad, Bellesa, and Math Magazine are good options. “Take the time to explore different categories and take note of what turns you on,” she suggests.
16. You’re ready to become a bisexual scholar
Hey bookworms, check out:
Why? Because as Noel puts it: “Seeing yourself represented between the pages of a book can be helpful for understanding your own identity.”
17. Reflect on biphobic messages you might have received
“I grew up in a super conservative family where I was taught and that being gay or bisexual is an abomination,” says Hannah, 26, Houston. “It wasn’t until I went away to college and began to unlearn some of the biphobic teachings I’d been taught that I realized I was bisexual.”
Some common biphobic myths include: That bisexual folks are greedy, indecisive, or just going through a phase. UGH. Unpacking and working through internalized biphobia is no walk in the park. “It can create feelings of shame,” says Finn. Unburdening yourself from those toxic learnings may make you feel more comfortable exploring your sexuality. If you grew up in a sex-negative household, consider working with a queer-inclusive therapist, if it’s financially accessible to you.
18. Ask yourself ‘Why am I reading this?’
Sure, it’s entirely possible that you’re reading this article to get insight for a bi-curious BFF. But if you Googled “am I bi?” or “signs I’m bi,” odds are good you’re not straight. As Noel puts it, “I’ve yet to meet someone straight who Googled [those questions] who ended up not being bisexual or queer or pan.”
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