Month: August 2020

Posted on

Are Sex Breaks the New Lunch Break?

In these WFH times, experts say a midday quickie can actually boost focus and productivity while lowering stress levels.

By Allison Hope

It’s no secret that working from home is taking its toll. We’re feeling sluggish and overwhelmed, and, in many cases, trying not to lose our shit at our partners while trapped in a small space.

But some have found a new method of busting stress and boosting pleasure during these times: Workday sex breaks. After all, why reserve sex for nighttime when there’s no office to commute home from?

“I highly recommend skipping lunch and having sex instead,” says Kelly N., 25, from Bristol, England, who works in marketing. She says she’s been enjoying sex one to two times a day with her live-in partner to break up the workday since COVID hit. “It really transforms your working day and helps you find some separation if you’re cooped up and working from home,” she says.

Kelly is far from alone in squeezing sex in between Zoom calls.

Kate, 27, who lives in Indianapolis and runs a sex toy and advice website with her husband, has workday sex once a week with hubby and once a week by herself. “There’s something that I love about having just been on a conference call, then having sex with my husband, and going back to work with none of my coworkers knowing the secretive fun I just had on my lunch break. There’s something that feels sneaky about workday sex and it’s part of my sexuality to enjoy that,” she says.

Sex during the workday can also be a solution to end-of-the-day exhaustion that sucks some of the fun out of it. Fatima T., 31, from Florida, says that daily sex with her husband during the day is just easier. Shifting work schedules and kids make nighttime sex less plausible, plus, “I’ve noticed things go a lot smoother when I’ve had sex with my husband during the day. I’m more focused on tasks as well,” she says.

Workday sexcapades are not an anomaly. In fact, even before COVID-19 hit, roughly one out of every five work-from-homers were dipping into lunchbreak sex. And that number has likely skyrocketed: Pre-pandemic, just 4% of us worked from home; now, it’s about a third of Americans.

Michigan-based sex and relationships therapist Stefani Goerlich, LMSW, says an increase in daytime sex is an emerging trend with her clients and colleagues since COVID forced us home. “But this is taking many forms; it’s not just married couples having a midday quickie. I’m also hearing a lot more about masturbation happening during the workday — occasionally even during meetings, when one is listening in but muted/off-screen,” she says. (More later on why that’s not the greatest idea.)

Goerlich is also seeing frustrations from people who had to sever their in-office affairs when work-from-home became the norm. “This pandemic has resulted both in significantly more sexual activity ‘in the workplace’ as well as a somewhat ironic decrease in office rendezvous as well,” she says.

But workday sex during COVID isn’t just a welcome distraction from the hum-drum of conference calls and a pandemic. It’s also a way to boost productivity and work performance, whether you’re pushing numbers, words, or crafting code for a living.

“Orgasm can relax you, allow you to think clearer and boost your mood for the day,” says certified sexologist Shan Boodram.

Ro Sanchez, 45, an intimacy coach based in Ohio, engages in sexual activities during the workday daily virtually via chat, sexting, and videos. “I can honestly say that having sex during the workday enhances both my productivity and mental health,” she says. “After work sex, I am more assertive and confident which helps come across in my Zoom meetings, pitch presentations, and consults. It’s easier to focus on my goals for the day mainly because of the stress and anxiety relief as an instant result from the release of endorphins.”

The health benefits of having sex aren’t just happenstance; they are well documented. “Sex is a mood lifter. It relieves stress, boosts immunity, and helps foster a deeper sense of intimacy in relationships,” says ob-gyn Alyse Kelly-Jones, M.D., of Novant Health Women’s Sexual Health & Wellness in Charlotte, North Carolina.

If you are going to engage, just be sure to plan scheduled breaks. Embrace the old-school concept of the lunch hour quickie, rather than engaging in sexual activity while you are officially ‘on the clock’, says Goerlich. She also recommends some common-sense guidelines to live by if you are engaging in workday shenanigans to mitigate the potential risk of getting caught with your pants down.

First up: Don’t masturbate during meetings (that would still meet the definition of sexual harassment were you to be caught) and don’t send explicit messages/photos through company-owned technology. Bottom line: Better safe than sorry seems to be the mantra when it comes to safe workday sex practices.

Brooklyn-based columnist Zach Zane doesn’t care if his employees have sex on the clock. “I see no reason why it would be an issue as long as you’re getting your work done and don’t take that much time having workday sex. Your breaktime is your time. You can spend 20 minutes masturbating or you can spend 20 minutes scrolling through Instagram. There really is no difference. (Besides, I’d argue scrolling through Instagram is mental masturbation.),” he says.

Lanae St. John, a board-certified sexologist based in San Francisco who previously worked in HR, agrees that employers shouldn’t have any reason to go after employees who opt for coitus over coffee breaks. “Folks take smoke breaks and feel zero guilt for that. Sex is a much healthier habit than smoking. All the employer really cares about is that customers are taken care of professionally and tasks are done on time.” (Of course, you’re asking for trouble if you brag about your workday sexcapades to your coworkers on Slack. Just don’t do it.)

Sex during the workday may last as long as the pandemic does, or perhaps it’s an uptick in a new reflex that’s here to stay as more people work from home long-term. While not without some risks, it seems a slice of workday sex — either with a partner or yourself — could bring more good than harm.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

‘We are taboo everywhere’

— How LGBTIQ+ people, and their children, become stateless

By

No child should be denied her rights because her parents are LGBTIQ+, and no family should have to endure the indignity we did.

These are the words of Roee and Adiel Kiviti, a same-sex married couple who recently won a legal challenge against the US Department of State for refusing to consider their daughter an American citizen.

Both men are US citizens, but their daughter was born in Canada through surrogacy. The State Department considers such children of same-sex couples to be “born out of wedlock”, irrespective of the marital status of the parents. For the Kivitis, this meant their daughter was denied the automatic citizenship normally granted to the children of US citizens.

This isn’t just a singular case. For many children born to same-sex couples through international surrogacy, there is a risk they could become stateless — unable to gain citizenship in the country where they were born, or their parents’ home countries.

Immigration Equality, an LGBTIQ+ immigrant rights organisation in the US, says there is a

new double standard for citizenship: one for the children of gay couples and one for the children of straight couples.

What does statelessness mean?

Statelessness is defined under international law as not being recognised as a citizen by any of the world’s 195 recognised states. According to the UN’s conservative estimate, there are some 12 million stateless people globally.

In practical terms, stateless people face many challenges due to their lack of citizenship. While these differ significantly from one context to the next, common experiences include the inability to access vital services (such as education and health care), move freely, own property and simply prove one’s identity.

Cases like the Kivitis’ daughter have brought high-profile attention to the risk of statelessness associated with LGBTIQ+ parenting situations.

Similar cases have been compiled by campaigners in Europe, where litigation is also underway.

An Irish-Polish lesbian couple, for instance, gave birth to a daughter through IVF in Spain in 2018. The girl, Sofia, is currently stateless because neither woman’s country will recognise her right to citizenship. Her Spanish citizenship is still pending.

And before international commercial surrogacy arrangements were banned in India and Thailand, the children of many same-sex couples born in these countries were at risk of statelessness.

However, statelessness is also a problem that LGBTIQ+ people themselves may face. My recently published research has identified scores of stateless LGBTIQ+ people around the world.

Stateless LGBTIQ+ people face double marginalisation

Why do we hear so little about their experiences? Indeed, this was the question that motivated me to study the links between statelessness and sexual orientation, gender identity and expression, and sex characteristics (relating to a person’s physical sexual anatomy).

Having worked on statelessness for the last decade, I have attended many conferences with little consideration given to LGBTIQ+ people. In contrast, much research has been conducted on the experiences of LGBTIQ+ refugees and asylum seekers.

As Eliana Rubashkyn, an intersex person from Colombia who experienced years of statelessness before receiving asylum and citizenship in New Zealand, explained to me:

Nobody talks about our case because we are taboo everywhere. Yet it is a chronic violation of human rights.

My research highlights that stateless LGBTIQ+ people often face a significant double marginalisation. They are discriminated because of their sexuality or gender expression, as well as their lack of documentation.

For example, one stateless queer man in Lebanon described fears of being arrested on grounds of public immorality (a common charge against the LGBTIQ+ community) and lacking the necessary paperwork to establish his identity. While he is not the only stateless person in his family (due to gender discrimination in Lebanese citizenship law), the risks are compounded in his case.

It goes without saying that being stateless can also make any problem I encounter due to my sexual orientation and gender identity much worse. And vice versa.

While no statistics are available, for some LGBTIQ+ people, discrimination is what caused them to become stateless in the first place.

They can lose their citizenship due to complex laws that do not recognise LGBTIQ+ marriages and relationships across countries. There is also a patchwork of different laws recognising sex and gender transitions, which can be especially problematic for trans and intersex individuals.

This was the case for Rubashkyn, who no longer resembled her passport photo following hormone treatment and became stranded in Hong Kong’s airport six years ago.

Desperate to prevent officials from deporting her back to Colombia, where she had suffered persecution, she ultimately renounced her Colombian citizenship, making herself stateless. She was later resettled in New Zealand and gained citizenship in 2018.

Asylum requests are often denied

Within asylum contexts, research shows both statelessness and LGBTIQ+ situations are often missed or misunderstood during the process of assessing claims for protection.

For instance, one transsexual interviewee from my research explained

the various intersecting elements of my narrative seemed to confuse the asylum officials who wanted to understand my experience through a singular lens. I tried to explain but they did not appear convinced.

 

The lack of attention paid to “rainbow statelessness” in the media and policy debates may further lead governments to question the credibility of statements made by stateless LGBTIQ+ asylum seekers.

This is why it’s critical to bring more attention to the links between statelessness and sexual orientation or gender identity.

Better understanding this intersection is necessary to improve laws and policies that discriminate against LGBTIQ+ people, and sometimes render them, or their children, stateless.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

5 Reasons Women Don’t Enjoy Sex

— and How to Fix Them

From low libido to painful sex, help is available

According to Hollywood rom-coms, you should want to get hot and heavy with your partner every chance you get. But for some women, sex isn’t all that.

Cleveland Clinic is a non-profit academic medical center. Advertising on our site helps support our mission. We do not endorse non-Cleveland Clinic products or services. Policy

There are many reasons you might not be into it, says women’s health specialist Pelin Batur, MD. Intercourse might hurt. You might have trouble reaching a climax. Or your libido might be taking an extended slumber.

Whatever the reason, you don’t have to grin and bear it. “Your sexual health is important, and you should know you have options,” Dr. Batur says.

Up-and-down sex drives

Sex drives exist on a spectrum from “More, please,” to “Meh.” And your own sex drive is likely to cycle up and down, depending on factors like hormones, stress, relationship issues, and whether you’re dating someone new or climbing into bed with your partner of 20 years.

“Sex drives have a gas pedal and a brake pedal, and the speed is going to vary throughout your life,” Dr. Batur says.

If you’re happy with the quality and quantity of your sex life, stop right there. You don’t need to get more action unless you want to. But if you want to? Here are some common problems that might be holding you back.

1. Stress

Stress can do a number on your libido, Dr. Batur says. If you’re being pulled in a million directions — or if a global pandemic has cranked your stress level to 10 — it’s no wonder a roll in the sheets isn’t at the top of your to-do list.

“Ask yourself how vacation sex would be,” she says. “If your sex life is great on vacation, then it’s probably stress, rather than a medical problem.” Finding ways to de-stress can help your sex life bounce back.

2. Pain

“Pain during sex is like a flashing neon sign telling you something’s wrong,” Dr. Batur says. Common causes of painful sex include:

  • Pelvic floor dysfunction: This common condition occurs when muscles in the base of the pelvis don’t relax normally. Women with pelvic dysfunction often have painful intercourse. Physical therapy and biofeedback treatment can help correct the problem.
  • Hormonal changes: Changing levels of estrogen and testosterone can lead to painful sex. Women who are breastfeeding or entering menopause may have hormonal changes that cause vaginal dryness and a burning sensation with intercourse. In some cases, hormonal treatments can correct the problem. A good lube can also come in handy.
  • Other medical causes: There are other possible causes of vaginal pain, including infections and endometriosis. “Depending on the problem, you might want to see a certified menopause specialist or a specialist in sexual health to get to the bottom of it,” Dr. Batur says.

3. Psychological causes

“Underlying anxiety or depression can get in the way of your sex drive,” Dr. Batur notes. Issues such as relationship troubles or a history of sexual trauma can also affect your interest in physical intimacy.

In such cases, a mental health professional can help you work through the underlying difficulties.

4. Low libido

Sometimes, a sluggish sex drive is a matter of mindset. “A lot of women have what’s known as responsive desire — you might not be that interested in initiating sex, but once you get into it, you realize, ‘Hey, this is fun,’” Dr. Batur says. “Sometimes, you just need to go with the flow and let your brain catch up.”

But sometimes, it’s not enough to fake it till you make it. Some women have a low sex drive in the absence of any other underlying problem. This is called hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD). Another term that’s used is female sexual interest/arousal disorder. Your doctor can prescribe medications that can help put you in the mood.

5. Trouble with arousal and orgasm

If sex just doesn’t feel great, start with a refresher course in sex ed, Dr. Batur explains. “Lots of women think they should be able to climax with intercourse, but many — maybe even most — women need external stimulation to reach orgasm.”

Try shaking things up or adding some toys to your routine. Dr. Batur explains, “Lots of women bring vibrators into the bedroom. There’s no shame in that game.”

If that doesn’t work, there are treatments to help increase arousal, including prescription medications, hormones, and topical oils and creams.

Sexual health: Talk to your doctor

Low libido, arousal problems and painful sex are all-too-common problems. It might feel awkward to bring it up with your doctor, but she won’t even flinch, Dr. Batur says. “It may be a sensitive subject for you, but your Ob/Gyn or women’s health specialist has probably talked to four other women about it just this morning,” she adds.

Don’t expect to solve the problem in a few minutes during your annual exam, though. You might need to schedule a dedicated appointment to discuss your sexual health history and figure out the problem. Depending on the issue, your doctor may refer you to a specialist. But any initial awkwardness will be worth the effort, Dr. Batur says. “Sex is an important part of your life, and you deserve good sexual health.”

Posted on

5 questions we kept asking therapists during lockdown

by Kayleigh Dray

Is it normal that we haven’t had sex in ages? And how do we start (ahem) doing it again? Here are the five questions we most wanted to ask a couples therapist over lockdown, answered.

Whether you believe a second wave is inevitable or not, there’s no denying that the long weeks we spent in coronavirus lockdown were a funny old time indeed. In a bid to flatten the Covid-19 curve, we stayed indoors as much as possible, we worked from home if we were able, and we avoided public transport like the literal plague.

But how did all that social distancing impact our relationships?

Or, to put it more bluntly, what did it do to our sex lives?

In a bid to learn more about how our (ahem) Netflix ‘n’ Chill vibes changed during the pandemic (if at all), we reached out to Dr Kalanit Ben-Ari.

And the psychologist, author, and couples therapist came up trumps, revealing the five questions she was asked most during lockdown, as well as the answers she offered up.

Prepare to feel extremely seen.

We’re experiencing burnout due to being together 24/7. How can we add a bit of spice and excitement to our sex life?

Lockdown has forced many of us to spend more time at home than ever before. Even though this extra time brings its own set of perks, being cooped up with your partner constantly can take away the opportunity to miss each other, and each day becomes predictable, routine, and lacks spontaneity.

With lockdown life now the new normal, it’s become all too easy to fall into the same well-worn routine that leaves spontaneity and novelty on the backburner. That’s why it’s vital to find different ways to create some space to give you both the chance to develop your passion, or even just relax and recharge your batteries. Igniting new energy and experiences can add a splash of excitement that, in my opinion, is necessary to stimulate relationships.

As with all new things, communication is key. Have a chat with your partner about what each of you would like to do to bring a new sense of spice to your sex life. Ask each other questions. 

Try something like:

  1. What does sex mean to each of you? 
  2. What would you both like to try? 
  3. How would trying new things benefit not just your sex life but your relationship as a whole? 
  4. And, how can you make the process of discovery more fun and exciting?

An easy way to begin is to take it in turns to bring something new to the bedroom each week. One thing I often suggest to my clients is to learn a massage technique to generate desire. You could do an online course or watch clips to get to grips with techniques, bringing your newfound skill to your partner each week is what matters. This will help keep the spark of spontaneity and novelty alive and build anticipation for each new encounter.

We haven’t had sex for months, how do I initiate it now?

Establishing an intimate and mindful connection should be your top priority rather than putting an emphasis on purely having sex to achieve an orgasm. When life takes over it can be all too easy to avoid intimacy, which is why it’s so important that you schedule and loosely plan ‘date nights’. That way you enjoy the anticipatory build-up to them. Clear your to-do list so that you can be fully present in the moment without any distraction and show up with excitement rather than an anxiety of the unknown.

I often recommend to my clients to read Hot Monogamy: Essential Steps to More Passionate Intimate Lovemaking by Jo Robinson and Patricia Love as it includes exercises couples can explore together. I also strongly recommend keeping the bedroom a screen-free zone by removing all phones, laptops, TVs and tablets. Then, take the opportunity to go to your bedroom together an hour earlier than usual, giving you a better opportunity to connect.

It may feel intimidating in the beginning, but by continuing to practice being present and mindful in the moment (rather than having your thoughts drift to the past or future worries) you’ll experience real, fulfilling progress.

My libido has been low since the Covid-19 outbreak. What can I do to increase it?

First of all, take the time to learn about your body fully. Get to grips with what turns you on and what turns you off so that you become the master of your own desires and needs. Deepening your understanding of your body means you can talk to and teach your partner about what you like and the new things you learn without shaming or criticizing what they already do for you.

Secondly, focus on becoming the master of your partner’s body. Learn from their non-verbal reactions and ask them what, where, and how they like to be touched. Consider getting your partner to demonstrate what they like or write instructions as a fun way to discover each other. The main idea here is to be relaxed, mindful, and present during intimate moments with your partner so that you both let go of any expectations or worries around performance anxiety.

A fun exercise to try out is taking turns showing each other how you like to be touched. Do it to your partner, then your partner copies, and does it to you. Keep going for half an hour and you’ll notice the difference in desire in no time.

How can we create space for sex when the children are at home all the time?

Many couples feel self-conscious about having sex when their children are in the next room. For many, it can be a huge turn-off. However, as there are still a few weeks until the summer holidays come to an end and kids (potentially) go back to school, I recommend that parents create strategies that give them the time and space to connect intimately sooner rather than later. Strategies will differ depending on the age of the children but there are simple steps couples can take to carve out more time together.

Why not consider arranging playdates for your children at the same time? Or wake up an hour earlier than the children in the morning? Or maybe even try to squeeze a nap in during the day so that you’re more alert and awake at night when the kids go to bed? 

If you have a babysitter or family member helping out with childcare, get them to arrange a day out for your kids or a movie day so you and your partner can get some alone time. As long as you’re actively looking for opportunities to plan and create space for sex and intimacy, you’ll find a way that works for you.

Our anxiety over Covid-19 is harming our ability to enjoy intimacy together. What can we do to let go of our worries?

The past few months have been overwhelming, to say the least, with many couples experiencing the financial and mental health fallouts of living through the coronavirus pandemic. During such times of stress, some people crave intimacy, whereas others prefer to avoid it at all costs. Neither is better or worse than the other, each is just a different way to manage anxiety.

Know that it’s OK to not feel OK during this time. Millions of people around the world are worried too and it’s perfectly natural to feel anxious.

You can take easy steps to help limit your anxiety levels each day. From listening to music, playing an instrument or going for a walk and getting active outdoors, to having massages, practising mindfulness, meditation and breathing techniques and using aromatic oils like Frankincense – all of these activities will help focus your mind in the moment.

And, by remaining in the present (rather than worrying about the past or future), your anxiety levels will decrease.

The key is to determine what the focus of your mind is. Focus on being mindful of your romantic relationship, take deep breaths together, hold eye contact, soften your eyes, and connect with each one of your senses. Be aware of your body and ask your partner for an extra-long hug several times a day. We all need a good hug once in a while, especially now when distance is the new normal. Focus on taking little steps to improve and get joy from your relationship will slowly drop your anxiety level.

However, if you feel your anxiety levels are constantly high and your work, wellbeing, and relationships are beginning to be negatively affected by it, it’s advisable to reach out for professional help. Reaching out for therapy can support you to achieve the intimacy experience you desire.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

The Woman Taking Weed Gummies to Get in the Mood

A woman and her boyfriend eat weed gummies before hooking up, take turns watching porn alone in their shared bedroom, and talk about their sex life: 26, in a relationship, L.A.

by

DAY ONE

9:45 a.m. I wake up and hear my boyfriend working in the next room. This is my second week of unemployment since I recently got laid off — I worked in the TV industry. I still count myself lucky since my family is helping me out financially and I have some money saved. But still it’s unnerving.

9:50 a.m. I make coffee and sit with my boyfriend on the couch as he works. We’ve basically been living together for the past month, and it’s been really nice. When we started dating a bit over a year ago, he was very circumscribed when it came to his alone time. But the longer we’ve been together, the more comfortable he’s gotten spending extended time with me. I am so glad we took it slow in the beginning. This is my first relationship and I think I could have easily wanted to be with him nonstop, which wouldn’t have been the best for us.

3:00 p.m. I meet up with my good friend, C, at a nearby park for a socially distanced hang. C wanted to get my advice on a friend she wants to hook up with. She wants my advice because I’m the person who always makes the first move — or I used to be. Now I’ve been in a serious relationship for over a year. That person who was always making the first move, often against her better judgement, feels far away now.

5:00 p.m. I get home, excited to hang with my boyfriend. We’re very physically attentive to each other. We’re always touching or hugging or laying on top of each other. We don’t have a ton of sex, maybe like one to three times a week. This used to make me anxious — I felt like since we were early in our relationship, we should be having sex all the time. But I’ve since realized that as long as we have physical affection — which we always do — that’s what matters the most. Plus I’m on an SSRI, which has tampered my sex drive.

11:00 p.m. The best part of every day is cuddling with my boyfriend before going to bed. I usually fall asleep in his arms.

DAY TWO

9:00 a.m. My boyfriend and I booked a trip to a nearby mountain range, so we make coffee and get on the road.

3:00 p.m. After a long drive, we finally arrive at the Airbnb. It’s really nice! My boyfriend still has to work half the day, so I decide to explore a hiking trail nearby. It says it’s less than a mile to the top. That shouldn’t be too bad!

3:30 p.m. I think I’ve lost the trail and I have no water. I get very scared. But I do have cell reception, thank God. I decide to just keep walking on a trail that I’ve found — it’s got to lead me somewhere.

4:15 p.m.I get back to the Airbnb exhausted. He and I watch Avatar.

10:00 p.m. We’re still watching TV, but I’m getting restless. I reach over and touch his penis underneath his pants. That gets him excited and he asks me if I want to have sex. I’m on the fence so we decide to finish the episode then go upstairs and see how we feel.

10:20 p.m. We’re in bed and he starts kissing me. He’s such a sweet kisser. I ask if he wants to have sex — he grabs the lube, which we always use, and gets on top. I like when he’s on top because I can see him, but it usually doesn’t get me that turned on. We decide to switch to doggy, which is my favorite — the only downside is we can’t see each other’s faces when we come. We fall back on the bed, both of us covered in sweat, and he holds me. I kiss his forehead and we fall sleep.

DAY THREE

10:00 a.m. Our Airbnb doesn’t have AC. It’s not that hot, but it’s a bit too warm for our comfort, so neither of us sleeps great.

11:00 a.m. We decide to go on a walk along the lake and end up talking about our families’ dysfunctions. Bonding over parents who have difficult relationships has definitely been a cornerstone of our relationship!

3:00 p.m. He’s taking a nap, and I’m bored so I turn to a common pastime: checking in on guys I used to hook up with a long time ago. I look up a guy who’s one of the first people I ever got with. Right after, he started seriously dating a girl that he was with through all of college. I was sure they’d get married. But scrolling through his Facebook I saw that he no longer listed them as in a relationship. And she wasn’t in his profile picture — the first time in eight years? I text my friend who vaguely knows the guy and loves the tea. He is equally shocked.

11:30 p.m. We’re laying in bed when he comes closer and hugs me. He kisses my breast and I tell him to keep doing it. He does and I start grabbing his dick, but he tells me he’s too tired to have sex. Sigh. I’ll have to wait until tomorrow.

DAY FOUR

10:30 a.m. Wake up covered in sweat. Cuddle.

11:30 a.m. We decide to go on a nearby hike. It’s only two miles round-trip, so shouldn’t be too bad. But when we reach the summit it’s somehow … not great? Lots of trees block the view. My boyfriend asks me if I want to listen to a Bon Iver or Phoebe Bridgers song. I say no; I’m too hot.

8:00 p.m. We make dinner and both take weed gummies. We both ingest a lot of weed. We are not big drinkers. We decide to watch a movie neither of us has seen in years. We’re almost done with it when I start to get horny. Weed always makes me horny, which is one of the reasons I like it so much. I lean over and grab his dick through his pants and start kissing him. I tell him that I want to have sex after the movie. He immediately grabs the remote and turns it off; we start making out.

9:30 p.m. We go upstairs to the bed and continue making out with our clothes on. I start to rub his dick and he gives me direction; I can tell he’s feeling really good. I ask if I can get on top and he happily agrees. It’s a position I rarely used to do when I was single, but now I enjoy. I pull out my vibrator, but it’s too difficult to use so we switch to doggy. I love dirty-talking and feeling submissive in this position. We both finish and lay back down and cuddle. I tell him I noticed he’s not nearly as sweaty as he usually is. “That’s because you put in all the work,” he says.

DAY FIVE

9:00 a.m. Our alarm wakes us up — we have to be out of the Airbnb early. We start cleaning up our stuff and hit the road.

11:00 a.m. My boyfriend and I talk about the way we used to fuck compared to the way we do now. He tells me that when we first started hooking up, it was clear that I’d had a lot of one-night stands. The way I had sex … I was very in control and I knew what I wanted. It was me making myself come, and the other person was just there witnessing it. But now I feel so much more joy in knowing how to make someone else come — feeling connected to someone else’s pleasure.

2:00 p.m. We arrive home and collapse, tired from the drive.

DAY SIX

9:00 a.m. My boyfriend gets out of bed to start work. I stay asleep.

10:00 a.m. I pull myself out of bed and look at my computer. I try sending out some emails to find a new job.

6:00 p.m. We order Postmates and curl up to watch more Avatar.

DAY SEVEN

10:00 a.m. I wake up and my boyfriend’s already out of bed.

11:00 a.m. I’m bored at my computer and kind of horny. I so rarely feel this way on my own, and I want to ride the wave. My boyfriend’s hard at work so I head into the bedroom to watch porn.

12:45 p.m. I go shopping and come back with bags of groceries. My boyfriend’s nowhere to be found. I start putting them away when I hear him come out of the bedroom. He tells me that he was jealous of my porn-watching and decided to watch some for himself and get off. Maybe that’s the key to our relationship: We feel comfortable telling each other what we need without worrying what the other might think.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Sexual Health Alert:

Some penis microbes may increase the risk of vaginal infections after penetrative sex

by Julia Naftulin

  • A new study found that 10 types of bacteria found on men’s penises were predictors in whether their female partners developed bacterial vaginosis.
  • Bacterial vaginosis is a vaginal infection that affects 1 in 3 women. Experts are unsure what exactly causes bacterial vaginosis.
  • The researchers said that their study suggests men’s sexual health and women’s are inextricably linked, and that heterosexual couples should work together to promote each other’s sexual wellbeing.

Women may have a higher risk of vaginal bacterial infection after penetrative sex with men, depending on the type of microbiota on their partner’s penis, a study has found.

Bacterial vaginosis is a type of vaginal bacterial infection that affects 1 in 3 women, but, according to the CDC, health experts are still unsure what causes it.

For the study, University of Illinois at Chicago researchers looked at 168 heterosexual couples in Kenya over a year. Just over half (56%) of the men they studied had circumcised penises, and circumcision status can affect the amount and types of bacteria on a penis.

None of the women had bacterial vaginosis at the start of the study. The researchers found that 31% of the women in the study developed bacterial vaginosis during the year-long trial.

In addition to testing the bacteria in the women’s vaginas, they also examined each man’s penile microbiota during the initial screening and three follow-up appointments.

The researchers concluded that the men were a defining factor in the women’s risk of infection. They identified 10 species of penile bacteria that appeared to increase a woman’s risk of BV. The men who carried on their penis one or more of the 10 species, his female partner was more likely to develop bacterial vaginosis.

Men should be involved in women’s reproductive health

The study’s findings don’t mean a man’s penis causes bacterial vaginosis in women, according to Dr. Supriya Mehta, lead study author and an epidemiologist at University of Illinois at Chicago.

But his team’s findings suggest male and female sexual health are inextricably linked, especially for heterosexual couples.

“I would like for clinicians, researchers, and the public to be inclusive of male sex partners in their efforts to improve women’s reproductive health,” Mehta said in a statement. “Not to place directionality or blame on one partner or another, but to increase the options and opportunity for improved reproductive health, and hopefully reduce stigma from BV.”

There were caveats to this study. Only 46% of the 168 couples attended all four doctor’s office visits during the year-long trial, so the researchers have incomplete data for some couples, which could cause skewed results. Additionally, the researchers looked at a small sample of only Kenyan couples who were heterosexual, so the results may not be applicable on a universal scale, across countries, cultures, and sexualities.

Mehta said more research should be done to determine how men can look after their own genital health to protect the genital health of women with whom they’re sexually active.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Your Guide To BDSM Aftercare

Rule 1: It’s not just for subs.

By Alexis Jones

Before we get into BDSM aftercare, let’s set the record straight about the sex practice as a whole. Yes, BDSM stands for bondage discipline and sadomasochism, but it isn’t the violent and harmful sort of kink that pop culture and society have made it out to be.

“It’s mostly about sensations—sensory play and or power play,” explains Jenni Skyler, PhD, of The Intimacy Institute and resident sexologist for Adam and Eve. How does it work, though? Well, couples typically will start by having a conversation about the type of BDSM they’d like to try. Then, they’ll make up a game plan (think: who will be dominant and who will be submissive), which includes talking about their needs, desires, and boundaries, and agree on a safe word. After that, they’ll co-create a play script or ritual that works for both of them, she explains.

“In the terms of agreement, safety and consensus are key,” Sklyer says. Another must? Aftercare. That literally means taking care of one another, emotionally and sometimes physically, after sex depending on what type of play occurred. Remember: BDSM can be emotionally and physically draining. Aftercare (yes, both for doms and subs!), is an important part of healthy BDSM.

Below is everything you need to know about BDSM aftercare, so that you and your partner can both get what you need from the experience.

What is aftercare?

Aftercare is the physical and/or the emotional care-taking that occurs after a sexual encounter, and more specifically a BDSM encounter. Most BDSM experiences involve adopting fantasy roles, so aftercare is the time for partners to bring each other back to reality and readopt their day-to-day roles with one another. Think of it as reseting your equilibrium, Skyler explains. Though the play portion of the experience might be over, it’s not really over until the aftercare happens.

“If there’s a lot of physical pain play, for instance,” says Skyler, partners might want to be cuddled or wrapped in a blanket, or they might want a warm meal or water. But usually, aftercare involves reflective conversation. This is the opportunity for partners to be vulnerable with each other, debrief, and zero in on each other’s emotional needs.

Questions might look like this:

  • How did that go for you?
  • Did we need to use a safe word? If so, why?
  • Where was the boundary that got hit?
  • Was something triggered or activated?
  • If you didn’t use a safe word, how did it go for each person?
  • What was really exciting?
  • What was safe?
  • What do we want to keep as part of our repertoire?
  • What would we want to ditch for the next time?

Who needs aftercare?

Oftentimes it’s the submissive who needs a little extra aftercare, according to Skyler. But it’s important for aftercare to go both ways. Just like it may be difficult or draining for the submissive to be in a powerless position in which they may have been blindfolded or had to beg, it might have been hard on the dominant partner to, say, yell or humiliate their partner (if that’s the type of power-play that was agreed on) and adopt a nature they don’t typically embrace outside of the bedroom.

Is the drop a real thing?

Yes! BDSM kicks up a ton of adrenaline into your system and when the play is done, that adrenaline literally plummets and there’s this sort of undeniable fatigue, Skyler explains, a.k.a the drop.

She compares it to running a marathon. “You get all your adrenaline going and you get to the finish line, then you kind of collapse at the end,” Skyler explains. All the attention to detail, physicality, and focus built up during the play eventually has to come to an end, right? When it does, all the energy in the body will experience a significant slump. That’s why aftercare is so important. These acts of self care and support will bring your body back to “normal” by reestablishing balance.

Gotcha, now what does aftercare look like exactly?

Aftercare is personal to each person, but overall, it involves anything that will simply make partners feel good. Following the all-important conversation about how the sex play made you feel, partners might do things to continue supporting one another and reset the nervous system, says Skyler.

The list of aftercare activities can look something like this:

  • Have a bath
  • Spend time alone
  • Drink a cup of tea
  • Get a good night’s sleep
  • Get wrapped up tight in a blanket
  • Cuddle with a partner
  • Take a refreshing walk outside
  • Watch a movie
  • Cuddle with pets
  • Journal
  • Reflect together

Should I follow up after the aftercare?

Depends. Sometimes partners will be ready to process everything immediately following the sexual BDSM encounter, while other times, partners will need a day or two to reflect on what they liked and didn’t like before talking it out. In other cases, partners might want both because they remembered something they really enjoyed about the sex play that they forgot to mention or they just want to double check on their partner.

Sometimes the aftercare follow-up involves a third party. When partners are struggling to do aftercare and reflect on what went well, what didn’t go well, and find out what the right mix is together, they might want to consider bringing in another person in a therapeutic setting, Skyler explains. But ultimately she warns: “It’s not smart to play, unless you know how to communicate about the play.” So before you jump into your next BDSM experience, make sure you’re willing to engage in aftercare. Remember: A little TLC never hurt anybody.

This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. You may be able to find more information about this and similar content at piano.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

9 Ways Non-Monogamous People Are Dealing With the Pandemic

Communication, communication, communication.

By Gabrielle Smith

So. This pandemic thing sucks. We’ve been asked to sacrifice a lot for our personal safety and the collective good, like shrinking down our IRL social circles and quieting our social calendars. But that’s okay! It’s clearly all for a very important reason. Even so, there’s no denying the many impacts the pandemic has had on our romantic relationships. Sure, people are finding ways to deal. Some are doing virtual date nights. Another potential solution is to shack up with a partner—but what do you do when you have more than one?

I’m polyamorous, falling under the incredibly wide umbrella of ethical non-monogamy (ENM). As a solo-polyamorous person, I choose not to live with any partners or exert innate hierarchies in my relationships (meaning I don’t rank my partners as primary, secondary, etc.). Like many others, I was isolated from my partner at the beginning of the pandemic. I can assure you, it wasn’t fun. Now, five months after the World Health Organization declared COVID-19 a pandemic, non-monogamous folks are still figuring out how to navigate this new way of life.

Within that attempt to adapt, non-monogamous folks are running into alternative difficulties, some that folks who date monogamously don’t really have to worry about. So how are non-monogamous folks dealing in these unprecedented times? Here’s how various people in the ENM community are dealing with some of the many challenges COVID-19 has created:

1. We’re now discussing COVID-19 concerns as part of our normal safety precautions.

Discussion about safety and risk, especially around transmittable diseases, isn’t new to the ENM community. Research has found that compared to monogamous folk, ethically non-monogamous people tend to be more likely to be responsible concerning condom usage and STI screening. And we talk about it with each other: When it comes to fluid bonding with new partners (meaning, having unprotected sex), explicit boundaries, communication, and STI testing are all very important.

So it’s no surprise that for many of us, our communication now extends to COVID-19 risk behaviors. On top of everything we typically take into consideration when seeing our partners and introducing new ones, now everyone has to consider who they’re breathing on. Just as we ask questions like, “How many partners have you had recently?” or “Are you engaging in risky sexual activity?” we’re now also asking questions like, “Okay, exactly how many people are you around in the average week?” or “Are you following best practices to prevent the spread of the coronavirus?”

Admittedly, it can feel more intrusive than usual, but it’s worth it. “It’s a little awkward and uncomfortable being the one asking very thorough questions regarding safety and social distancing, but I’d rather be safe than sorry,” Sharon R., 26, from Long Island, tells SELF. “The way someone responds to me tells me a lot about them. It can help me decide whether we might be a good match or not.”

2. Some folks are forming poly-bubbles.

Just like some folks formed “quarantine pods” to still see important loved ones while otherwise practicing social distancing, some polyamorous people are negotiating how to keep up with multiple partnerships via poly-bubbles. Those who already practiced “kitchen table” polyamory—where partners and metamours (your lover’s lover) are all friendly and spend time together—are particularly well-suited for this.

I ended up forming a poly-bubble of sorts with my polycule, simply because it made sense for us logistically. With a collective understanding of each individual’s boundaries, we make sure to address what we jokingly call “the committee” before making moves that may put others at risk. Our rules are mostly to lower exposure: wearing masks when we are in public, riding in car shares with the windows open, and requiring new partners to get COVID-19 tested before swapping spit, just to name a few examples.

3. Many are feeling the emotional toll of supporting multiple partners.

Obviously, life has changed drastically for many of us. With that comes immense emotional turmoil. Those with multiple partners may find themselves acting as a pillar of support for each and every partner. It’s hard to sustain. “For someone who already plays a compassionate role, there’s a lot of compassion fatigue,” Alex V., a 34-year-old, from New York, tells SELF. “The way I cope is to remind myself and others that this is only temporary. Some people have a hard time seeing through the day-to-day and find it stifling or tiresome. Feeling isolated plays with your feelings.”

4. We’ve had to recalibrate our relationships in response to COVID-19.

The COVID-19 pandemic has forced a lot of us to have difficult conversations about our partnerships. Incompatible lifestyles, at-risk activity, and different levels of vulnerability to the disease are keeping partners apart, even as testing becomes more readily available in some areas. Some of these conversations are revealing hierarchies within previously equal relationships. For example, partners might start to feel more or less prioritized thanks to the logistics of the pandemic. This fact has even caused some couples to split because they never agreed to hierarchical terms, like the couples writer Zachary Zane explored in this piece for NewNowNext.

That said, one of the nice things about non-monogamy is that relationships can be fluid more easily. It’s not uncommon for relationships to transition from serious to casual, or from romantic to platonic. Some people are putting their relationships “on the shelf” until the pandemic is over, or choosing to stay digital because they have different lifestyles despite proximity.

5. Folks are getting creative due to long-term separation.

Abiding by quarantine and social distancing is pretty much a hallmark of pandemic relationship struggles. As SELF previously reported, some polyamorous people who are quarantined with their partners are facing some logistical challenges. “I’m quarantined with my primary partner in a studio apartment, so maintaining my relationship with my girlfriend who lives elsewhere has been awkward,” Wendy X., 26, from Charleston, told SELF. “Normally we’d go out together or meet at her place, and I don’t want to make my partner sit through my FaceTime dates. So for now, we mostly text and talk on G-Chat, and video call when my partner is in the shower or at the store.”

Established partners aren’t the only ones dealing with logistical troubles, either. Dorita L., a 26-year-old from Ottawa, tells SELF that she began seeing a new partner after the pandemic began. Because her partner is immunocompromised, they had to be extra careful. “We found creative ways to date, get to know each other, and even have some fun all while maintaining social and physical distance,” she says. “[For] our first ‘romantic date’ we chose a restaurant, then each called said restaurant to order a meal for the other person without disclosing what we ordered. Our food arrived around the same time so we could share the meal together [on video chat]. It was fun to surprise each other with our meal choices and a good way to learn more about each other’s likes and dislikes.”

6. Many are putting emotional connection in the front seat.

Since it’s currently unwise to partake in hook-up culture like some of us are used to, emotional connections are flourishing. “I met one of my current partners right before our state shut down in March, so most of our dating has been done virtually,” Chloe T., a 26-year-old from Salt Lake City, tells SELF. “It was really fascinating to see how much we got to connect emotionally when direct physical intimacy wasn’t an option. Thankfully, I’ve been able to meet up with them in person a small number of times since. But having those several months in the beginning of pure emotional connection was one of the coolest polyamorous experiences I’ve had in a while.”

7. We’re asking new questions while cohabitating for pandemic purposes.

Plenty of people made the choice to move in with their partners early in the pandemic rather than face extended separation. For some, it’s required a lot of self-reflection. Ferris S., 25, from Cincinnati, has been cohabitating with their immunocompromised partner due to the pandemic and has started wondering what it means for the future of how they practice polyamory.

“I have been thinking about what it will be like when my partner and I go back to not living together and fear that we may have become semi-codependent throughout this time and will have a hard transition back to being strictly solo-poly,” they tell SELF. “I think there may be a part of me that wants to move in with him [long-term] because of how well we work together and how nice it has been, but I don’t know if I am ready to tackle that part of the jealous side of me. Like if we were bringing partners home to stay the night, would we have separate rooms? Or [would we] stay at other peoples’ houses? I also don’t know if that’s even a good idea. Just because something works doesn’t mean it’s right.”

8. More of us are connecting in online polyam communities.

Not only is this great for social distancing needs, but it’s also helping people find polyam communities who otherwise might have had a harder time. For example, cities are often hotspots for the alternative, so naturally, polyamorous communities are easy to find within them. If you live in New York or San Francisco, it’s simple to find an event like Poly Cocktails to mingle with like-minded individuals. But there’s considerably less access to free love in, say, rural areas.

However, now that online events have become the norm, non-monogamous folks from all over can come together—in whatever manner they like. More salacious members-only clubs like NSFW and Playscapes have been offering virtual play parties, offering members the opportunity to watch and share various sex acts.

9. Unsurprisingly, communication is still paramount for poly people.

This is always true for ethical non-monogamy and many of us are leaning hard on our skills. That said, just because we have practice doesn’t mean we’re not struggling, too. “Regardless of relationship structure, we’re all feeling a bit more vulnerable right now and a bit more uncertain about the future,” Morgan K., 33-year-old polyamory relationship coach from Berlin, tells SELF.

Luckily, Morgan has some advice for anyone dealing with the challenges on this list and beyond. “If we want our relationships to survive, proactive communication is a must,” she says. “We have to tell the people we love how we feel, what we’re scared about, and what we need. This is not the time to shrink, to make assumptions, or to hope they can read our minds. When radical honesty is part of our daily lives, it helps us stay solution-oriented. It offers relief and healing.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

6 myths about male orgasms

By Julia Naftulin

  • Sexual stereotypes often lead people to question whether their sexual experiences are normal or not.
  • Myths that suggest penis size matters for sexual pleasure, blue balls can cause long-term problems, and men have to ejaculate to experience pleasure abound, but they’re scientifically inaccurate.

When it comes to sex and sexual experiences, no two are the same.

But stereotypes may cause you to believe blanket statements about sexual health and what’s “normal.”

People with penises, for example, may think their penis size affects how good they are in the bedroom, or that premature ejaculation is incurable, when neither is true.

To debunk pervasive penis and orgasm myths, Insider spoke with sexual health experts.

Myth: Penis size affects sexual satisfaction

The idea that a bigger penis is always better one has long-existed, but Brahmbatt told Insider the length and girth of a person’s member isn’t a direct reflection of how sexually satisfied they or their partner will be.

“Most guys are fine in terms of size and girth. But when they size themselves up against the adult film industry they may start having insecurities,” Dr. Jamin Brahmbhatt, a urologist in Orlando, Florida, told Insider.

When a patient tells Brahmbatt penis size is a concern for them, he reminds them the average penis is 3.5 inches long when flaccid and 5.1 inches when erect.

He also said a normally healthy person, whether they fall above or below the average, shouldn’t experience lack of sexual satisfaction due to size alone. 

Myth: ‘Blue balls’ can be deadly

It’s certainly scary to see your testicles turn blue and to feel pain and discomfort in your penis.

But those sensations, which are often indicative of the condition epididymal hypertension, or “blue balls,” aren’t life-threatening or a risk for permanent damage.

Epididymal hypertension occurs when a person has “excess blood remaining in the testicles from a wave of erections not followed by ejaculation,” according to Brahmbatt.

Normally, when a man gets aroused, blood flows to the penis and testicles, and causes an erection. If the man ejaculates, the blood returns to a normal level. But if he doesn’t, blue balls can occur instead.

Brahmbatt said there’s no “cure” for blue balls. 

“Anecdotally, the quickest way to recovery appears to be ejaculation. Other ways discussed in forums include ice packs, avoiding erections, [and] exercise of some sort,” he said.

In some cases, symptoms of a more serious problem could be confused with blue balls, so its important to see a doctor if it doesn’t go away, Brahmbatt said.

Myth: Men never fake orgasms

When men reach climax, the tell-tale sign is ejaculation.

But Brahmbatt said that doesn’t exempt men from faking orgasms.

“Men can fake the sights and sounds of an orgasm. The only problem is there may be not visible ejaculate. They could, at that time, just blame it on a medication or medical problem,” Brahmbatt said.

Myth: Men can’t have more than one orgasm at a time

Some women can have consecutive orgasms during sex without any downtime. But since the majority of men ejaculate during climax, they’re less likely to experience more than one orgasm in a single sex session.

But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible, according to Kinsey Institute sex researcher Justin Lehmiller.

The reason men typically only have one orgasm is the refractory period, or time it takes after ejaculating for the penis to become erect again.

“The length of this period is highly variable across men, but could be just a few minutes in a younger guy compared to hours (or maybe even days) in older guys,” Lehmiller wrote on his website where he shares his research findings.

But some men can orgasm without ejaculating, so for them, it’s possible to have more than one orgasm in a row since the refractory period is taken out of the equation.

In fact, a 1989 study looked at 21 men who were able to have consecutive orgasms without a refractory period.

Myth: Premature ejaculation is incurable

Premature ejaculation, or ejaculating before you or your partner would like during sex, is a common problem among men.

As Insider previously reported, 1 in 3 men have experienced premature ejaculation at some point in their lives. But it can be fixed with the help of topicals, condoms, and medications.

According to Dr. Seth Cohen, a urologist at NYU Langone Health, penis sprays and condoms from Promescent and Roman contain ingredients that temporarily desensitize the penis to prevent early onset ejaculation.

Cohen said SSRIs like Prozac, which are commonly used to treat depression, may be used off-label to delay ejaculation. These medications essentially tell your penis to hold out a bit longer.

You could also try using as-needed erectile dysfunction medications like Viagra or Cialis off-label, according to Cohen.

Myth: Men must ejaculate to be satisfied or to experience sexual pleasure

According to Brahmbatt, the need to ejaculate during sex comes down to personal preference.

“I have met men that are satisfied without having the classic signs of sex/ejaculation,” he said.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Curious about sex therapy?

This is what it involves

By Kellie Scott

If you’ve never had sex therapy, you might rely on how it’s portrayed in film and TV for some insight.

“A lot of people I’ve worked with recently said they didn’t even realise sex therapy was a thing until they saw Sex Education on Netflix,” says Melbourne sexologist Kassandra Mourikis.

The Australian Society of Sex Educators, Researchers and Therapists NSW (ASSERT NSW) defines sex therapy as a “specialised form of professional counselling that focuses on addressing the sexual concerns, sexual functioning and sexual expression of human beings”.

Removing the mystery around the process is important, because it can help with all kinds of concerns including desire, erectile dysfunction and sexual pain.

I spoke with a few sex therapists to find out what it’s really like.

How do you pick the right sex therapist?

Sex therapy is a self-regulated industry. That means untrained and inexperienced people can call themselves sex therapists.

For example, a qualified counsellor might decide to work in sexology based on books they’ve read.

Or someone with no qualifications might attend a six-week course and call themselves a sexologist.

Or, they might take an academic approach by completing a Bachelor of Psychology and a Masters of Sexology, for example.

Regulatory bodies like ASSERT NSW and the Society of Australian Sexologists Ltd (SAS) hold sex therapists to a certain standard.

SAS, for example, has developed guidelines for the accreditation of sexologists who work as psychosexual therapists, sex therapists, sexuality educators and sexologists.

SAS national chairperson Lisa Torney says you can check its list of accredited sex therapists, but there are also many capable and experienced sex therapists who aren’t accredited.

She recommends having a phone chat with a prospective therapist to find out if they are a good fit.

Ms Mourikis suggests asking about their specialty and for an overview of how they might be able to help you before committing to a session.

What do you talk about with a sex therapist?

Sex therapy can assist with sexual education, sexual trauma, intimacy issues, physical difficulties, relationships problems, lacking or high desire, sexual pain and more.

Often, a sex therapist will specialise in one or a few areas.

One area Ms Mourikis focuses on is helping clients with sexual, genital and pelvic pain.

“Then that connects with communicating with your partner and relationship conflict … and creating pain management plans,” she says.

“I also work with [people on] prioritising pleasure or working out why [they] find it really hard to make time for pleasure or experience pleasure in their body and sometimes that comes down to trauma work, unpacking cultural myths, unpacking body image and self-esteem.”

Brisbane and Gold Coast-based sexologist Dr Armin Ariana more often sees male clients, and specialises in erection difficulties, early or delayed ejaculation, and relationships.

He says while opening up about sex can be difficult, information shared with a sex therapist is confidential.

“The first lesson we learn is to not be judgemental and to treat people unconditionally,” he says.

Will a sex therapist watch me have sex?

Wasn’t sure we needed to go there, but this is something Ms Mourikis has been asked!

No, you will not have sex or be watched having sex in a therapy session.

Are there props involved?

In Sex Education, there are a few dildos laying around the office of Dr Jean Milburn, played by Gillian Anderson.

“Some sex therapists might show you sex toys or models of genitals,” Ms Mourkis says.

“They might have different kinds of lubes you can look at.

“Over video chat they do tend to show models.”

Can I only see a sex therapist in person?

While you may prefer to see a sex therapist in person, many offer phone and virtual sessions.

For Ms Mourikis, this method of therapy grew during social distancing and she says many clients enjoyed it.

“A lot of people have mentioned that is has helped them do deeper work and explore things that are a bit more difficult.”

It’s also more accessible for people with disabilities or who live in rural areas, for example.

However, Dr Ariana says some people have privacy concerns regarding virtual meetings, or find it easier to reflect with a person physically in the room.

Can more than one person attend a session?

How many people can attend a sex therapy session will be up to you and the therapist, but typically they see individuals or couples.

“I’m open to working with a polyamorous threesome,” Ms Mourikis says as an example.

How long does a session go for?

The average session is 50 minutes — which is really an hour for the therapist. They will spend 50 minutes with you and 10 minutes making notes afterwards.

Some therapy sessions may vary anywhere between 45 and 90 minutes.

How much will it cost?

Therapists commonly charge anywhere from $90 to $250 or more, depending on how long the session is, their level of expertise, where they are located (rent costs) and other factors.

“A clinical psychologist who might specialise in sexology can have a Medicare rebate,” Dr Ariana says.

Do you get homework?

Ms Mourikis might assign exercises like quizzes or reading tasks.

“Sometimes it might be a sex menu with various activities to try with your partner and figure out what you’re into.”

Dr Ariana might assign the “six-second kiss” or massage techniques.

“I give them homework about how to interact which does involve physical activity,” he says.

“Other times I might give them meditation and mindfulness tasks.”

If you’re still nervous about trying sex therapy, Ms Torney says therapists work hard at creating a relaxed and comfortable environment to help with your needs.

“People think it’s going to be awkward and uncomfortable and embarrassing — it’s not.

“Sex therapists are people very comfortable talking about sex.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

How Sex and Masturbation Are Changing in Quarantine

 

By

Quarantine has changed our everyday existences, from the workplace to how we consume content to the way we go out and interact with others. The question, however, of ways self-isolation is affecting our sex lives has remained speculative thus far. Because while people have joked about a post-pandemic baby boom and latched onto the idea that everyone is masturbating based on anecdotes and data about sex toy sales being on the rise, it seems as if these beliefs may be completely off-base.

Last month, sex toy company Lora DiCarlo commissioned a study about how quarantine is changing our views on sex and self-pleasure, as “there’s a lot of excitement out there about like, ‘Oh, people are home all the time now, so they must be having a lot of sex. We’re gonna have a baby boom in 9 or 12 months,'” said Sarah Brown, a certified sex educator and the brand’s director of product.

“But people make a lot of assumptions based on just what they think would happen,” she continued, “And we wanted to make sure we understood what’s really happening, so we can help people and consumers with their sex lives.”

According to new data collected by Lora DiCarlo and Persuasium Research, it turns out that for many people, it’s not all masturbation and constant sexual activity. After speaking to 443 men and women, the study found that while half of those surveyed said their sex lives have stayed the same, a third of respondents reported that their sexual relationships were actually in decline. And the big reason why? It’s anxiety.

“What we found was, regardless of gender, a lot of people are really stressed. They’re stressed, they’re anxious, they’re worried about their finances,” said Carey Plunkett, the founder of Persuasium Research. “That’s not really conducive to feeling sexy or feeling aroused.”

“We had quite a few comments about how people aren’t getting dressed up. They aren’t able to get their hair done. They’re eating comfort food, and that’s also not conducive to feeling sexy,” she said, before sharing a few specific quotes from people who explained that “getting heavier,” “sleeping worse,” having too many people in the house, and not having the ability to “get pretty or dressed up” has equaled a “declining sex drive.”

Women in particular have been negatively impacted by the pandemic, with 40% of female respondents saying they were masturbating less now for similar reasons.

“It’s not happening as much for men as it is for women,” she said, before hypothesizing that it could have something to do with the fact that — in between work and having too much going on in the household — women are bearing the brunt of this decline in libido.

“Just in other data I’ve seen, women are the ones doing the cooking, the shopping, the home chores,” she said. “Women are taking care of everyone, and that’s not giving them enough time or energy to take care of themselves.”

Brown further posited that many women are likely feeling drained from all the emotional labor they’re having to do as well, saying that this “invisible labor becomes a lot more visible when it’s layered on top of everything else.”

She went on to refute initial speculation surrounding a baby boom by pointing toward pervasive feelings of anxiety and existential dread as reasons why it’s too soon to say whether or not it’ll actually happen. In the wake of the pandemic, Brown’s friends who were going to try for a baby “pretty much said ‘nope,'” and are “reupping their birth control and being very, very careful.”

“Because they don’t want to get pregnant right now — and not even nine months from now — not knowing what the hospital environment is going to be like,” Brown explained. “That’s the huge question for all of us. Yes, potentially, there’s more people having sex, but we also have a lot of people who are super anxious right now.”

There were also some heartening takeaways from their findings. LGBTQIA+ consumers and those quarantined apart from their partners have been more likely to report better sexual relationships with themselves — something that may explain the data related to an increase in sex toys sales. Brown interpreted this as people using this time to “explore a bit more,” as well as using masturbation to “release stress and tension… for a sense of well-being.”

Both Brown and Plunkett said it makes sense that the LGBTQIA+ community has been masturbating more as a whole, given the trends spotted in their past Sexual Pleasure Study. “LGBTQ+ persons tend to be more comfortable with masturbation than heterosexuals in terms of how they use masturbation,” Plunkett said. “It’s more integrated into their overall health and wellness routines… for stress relief. They just use masturbation more productively and positively for their overall health and wellbeing.”

One of the biggest takeaways has been about how our communication styles surrounding sex and intimacy will likely change thanks to the pandemic. After all, according to the study, live-in partners have been doing more touching that is comforting, rather than sexual — with 40% more hugging and 17% more intimate touches being reported.

“To me, one of the things that get missed on a lot of the studies on sex, sexuality and pleasure is that missing part of intimacy and communication. I thought it was pretty interesting to see in a pandemic situation, where stress is very high, that comfort has come into the conversation,” Brown said, pointing out that couples — many of whom spend their days apart at work — are now together all the time. “In this case, we’re seeing it’s happening in other ways than experiencing pleasure with genitals. I think there’s a lot we can learn on the communication side of sex and relationships here.”

That said, while couples quarantining apart have seen improvements in communication as they’re being forced to keep in touch digitally, Plunkett added that some have felt a lack of intimacy from trying to keep their sex lives alive this way.

“People may be sending more texts, and a lot of them said that they were communicating their sexual fantasies a lot more than they ever have to their partner. There’s more video chat sex,” Plunkett relayed. “But [as one respondent wrote], ‘I miss the touch of my partner, both sexual and for affirmation of closeness. But we have improved our text and phone conversations and have experimented with more sexy selfies which has been fun.'”

Which means that while Brown believes that there’s a lot of positives to be gained from improved communication techniques, nothing will change our intrinsic need for physical contact, as “there’s something very primitive to us as humans when it comes to physical contact and being touch-starved is an absolute thing we’re not necessarily going to get away from.”

She concluded, “The future is basically open, and we don’t really know. But I think there’s a lot of opportunity for people to take skills they learn in quarantine and with different technologies for connecting with people and carrying that forward.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

A Beginner’s Guide To Relationship Anarchy

– Examples & How To Practice

By Kesiena Boom, M.S.

In 2020, viewing monogamy as the only way to successfully conduct a relationship seems a little passé. Growing numbers of people are living nonmonogamous lifestyles. In fact, a 2017 study found at least one in five people have engaged in some form of consensual non-monogamy before. One approach to living a nonmonogamous lifestyle can be to adopt a philosophy of relationship anarchy.

What is relationship anarchy?

Relationship anarchy is a way of approaching relationships that rejects any rules and expectations other than the ones the involved people agree on. This approach “encourages people to let their core values guide how they choose and craft their relationship commitments rather than relying on social norms to dictate what is right for you,” Dedeker Winston, relationship coach and co-host of the podcast Multiamory, tells mbg.

People who practice relationship anarchy, sometimes abbreviated as RA, are beholden to themselves and only themselves when it comes to choosing who they conduct sexual or romantic relationships with and how they do it. Relationship anarchists look to form relationships with people that are based entirely on needs, wants, and desires rather than on socially mandated labels and expectations. Some central tenets of relationship anarchy are freedom, communication, and nonhierarchy.

An RA mindset also seeks to dissolve the strict divides between platonic friendship and sexual or romantic love that exist in wider society. Practitioners of relationship anarchy see it as superfluous at best and harmful at worst to rank relationships in order of importance according to the presence of sex or romantic love, and they reject the prioritization of romance above friendship and the elevation of the monogamous couple above all else. (The poem “On Leaving the Bachelorette Brunch” by Rachel Wetzsteon puts that philosophy into art.)

The relationship anarchy manifesto.

The term “relationship anarchy” was originally coined by Andie Nordgren, who published an instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy in a pamphlet in 2006. Nordgren outlines the following principles to guide you through a relationship anarchist life:

1. Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique.

Love is not a limited resource. You can love multiple people without it detracting from the love that you feel for each of them. Every relationship that you have is an entirely new creation between its two (or more) parties and should be approached as such.

2. Love and respect instead of entitlement.

Your bond with someone does not give you the right to control or coerce them. They are an autonomous person who can act as they wish to. Love is not a byword for bossing someone around, nor is love only real when we’re willing to compromise parts of ourselves for others.

3. Find your core set of relationship values.

Focus on what you want and need when it comes to how you will treat and be treated by others. Don’t be tempted to compromise on your inner values in order to try to keep a relationship that no longer serves you.

4. Heterosexism is rampant and out there, but don’t let fear lead you.

Be mindful of the way in which heterosexism (the assumption that heterosexuality is the only correct, moral, and desirable way to organize relationships) can corrupt your ideas about what is acceptable within relationships. Stay aware of the assumptions you hold about what gender means with relation to love and work to untangle them.

5. Build for the lovely and unexpected.

Be spontaneous in your connections. Don’t feel held back by the “shoulds” or the “ought to’s.”

6. Fake it till you make it.

Breaking with monogamous, heterosexist relationship norms is hard work. Setting out to do the work can feel like a tall mountain to climb. Push through and go for it nonetheless until it feels like second nature.

Choose to assume that your partner(s) want the best for you. When we approach our relationships with a bedrock of trust, we do not engage in validation-seeking behaviors that can drive unions apart.

8. Change through communication.

Be in continuous dialogue with your partner(s). Do not rely on “sensing” what they think or feel. Communication must be enacted at every step along the way in order to establish how things will function, not just when there are problems to solve. Without communication, people fall into old norms and can inadvertently hurt each other.

9. Customize your commitments.

Do you want to have children together but never move in together? Do you want to get married but never have children? Do you want to maintain separate homes but be committed life partners? Whatever it is that you want, you have the power to make happen. You don’t have to travel along the accepted “relationship escalator” of dating exclusively, moving in, getting married, and having children.

Relationship anarchy versus polyamory versus monogamy.

A monogamous person chooses to eschew all sexual and romantic bonds with people other than their one chosen partner. This is the model of relationship that is most common and holds the most societal recognition. While the majority of relationship anarchists are nonmonogamous and therefore have (or wish to have) sexual and/or emotional bonds with more than one person at a time, Winston says relationship anarchists can also engage in monogamous relationships.

“I do believe that someone can choose to be sexually or emotionally monogamous with a particular person and still be a practicing relationship anarchist,” Winston explains. “As long as you are questioning the status quo, examining your values, and communicating your needs, it is possible to build a radical relationship anarchist life.”

Relationship anarchy thus differs from polyamory, which it is sometimes confused with. Polyamory is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the informed consent of all partners involved. It is sometimes known as ethical or consensual nonmonogamy. To be polyamorous means to acknowledge that people can love more than one person simultaneously. This is different from an open relationship, in which the couple goes outside of the relationship for sex, and not necessarily for lasting and committed emotional intimacy or love.

How relationship anarchy works in practice.

It’s not really possible to give an outline of what the average relationship anarchist’s life might look like. “Typical is a myth. In reality, each of our lives is unique and one-of-a-kind, which is also true for people practicing relationship anarchy,” says Anna Dow, LMFT, therapist and founder of Vast Love, a coaching and counseling practice for people navigating nonmonogamy.

She continues, “A lot of people hear the word ‘anarchy’ and think of radical punk rockers with tattoos and mohawks. While that’s sometimes on point, the lives of relationship anarchists are also as varied as they come. Relationship anarchy is the ‘choose your own adventure’ version of relationships. It’s a belief in coloring outside the lines and going off-trail. When we expand our minds past the predefined boundaries, the possibilities can be endless!”

That being said, a common thread between all relationship anarchists is the time given over to communication. Dow says one characteristic that links together those who are well suited to RA is “strong communication skills, including the abilities to empathetically listen and to authentically express one’s feelings/needs in a direct way. If someone struggles with compassionately considering other people’s perspectives or feels guilt when expressing their own feelings/needs, they likely have some personal growth work to do before being optimally ready for sustaining healthy relationships in the context of RA.”

While it’s impossible to identify an “average” relationship anarchist, some of the ways in which it might look to live an RA lifestyle are to live with a mix of romantic and platonic life partners who are all equally responsible for maintaining the household and making big life decisions. Or to have two romantic partners who aren’t given more time and precedence in one’s life than one’s platonic friends. It can look like choosing to have children with platonic friends instead of with lovers. In short, the sky’s the limit.

When people think of the word “anarchy,” they imagine a lawless and chaotic state of order, but “contrary to common misconceptions, relationship anarchy is not a justification for people to do whatever they want in relationships without consideration of other people’s feelings, needs, desires, or boundaries,” says Dow.

Taking the jump into relationship anarchy is not for those who are looking for an easy way out. “It’s not a magic spell for reducing the amount of work that you need to put into your relationships,” cautions Winston. Like any nonmonogamous setup, relationship anarchy will not solve problems you have in your current relationship.

In an interview with Autostraddle, Josie Kearns, a queer woman with a wife and a girlfriend, explains her approach to relationship anarchy like this:

“To me it means that my partners and I don’t control our relationships with other people — we set boundaries, but we don’t ask to enforce rules on each other. I find it much more meaningful to say, ‘I’m choosing to do this because I care about you and I know it will feel good to you,’ than to say, ‘I’m doing this because it obeys our rules.’”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

Pornography has been linked to easier, better orgasms in women

This study has linked female porn consumption to orgasms that are easier to achieve and more satisfying during both masturbation and partnered sex.

A new study has linked the use of pornography to better sexual outcomes in women.

By Jaimee Bell

  • A new study has linked the use of pornography to better sexual outcomes for women.
  • Researchers had 2,433 women complete an anonymous survey in which they provided both demographic information and completed several assessments related to their sex lives. Both masturbation and partnered sex were taken into account.
  • Studies like this can alter misconceptions about how porn impacts our relationships.

A new study has linked the use of pornography to better sexual outcomes in women. In fact, according to this new research, the use of pornography among women is associated with several positive outcomes including better orgasms that are easier to achieve.

“In this particular study, we examined whether frequency of pornography use during masturbation can predict sexual response outcomes such as difficulty reaching orgasm, latency to orgasm, and orgasmic pleasure during both masturbation and partnered sex,” explains study author Sean M. McNabney.

Will watching porn really make your sex life better?

In this study, researchers had 2,433 women from the United States and Hungary complete an anonymous survey, in which they provided demographic information and completed several assessments related to their sex lives. This study unearthed some very interesting observations that challenge much of the stereotypes and misconceptions people place around female porn viewing habits.

Pornography use is more common in…

Pornography use during masturbation was more common among pre-menopausal women, women who reported persistent anxiety or depression, non-heterosexual women, and women who had two or more partners.

Pornography use during masturbation was also more popular among American women than women from Hungary.

Positive outcomes related to pornography use can include…

More frequent use of pornography was related to positive outcomes during masturbation including less difficulty becoming aroused, less orgasmic difficulty, greater time to orgasm, greater orgasmic pleasure, and a higher percent of time reaching orgasm.

More frequent use of pornography for partnered sex was related to positive outcomes like less difficulty becoming aroused and greater time to orgasm.

Pornography use does not negatively impact relationships as much as many people think.

There was no association between pornography and sexual relationship satisfaction, which challenges the assumption that pornography is harmful to partnered sexual relationships.

More frequent pornography use was not associated with lower sexual responsivity. In fact, pornography use during masturbation predicted great ease becoming aroused during partnered sex.

The missing parameters of this study are important to note.

The study did not assess whether some women perceive themselves as dependent upon (or addicted to) pornography in order to achieve orgasm. This is important to note because distress resulting from pornography use may independently interfere with the female sexual response cycle.

Some other things impacted impaired sexual function in women that are worth taking note of, including lower levels of educational attainment and mood disorders such as anxiety and depression. Anxiety and depression were also associated with lower relationship/sexual satisfaction.

It’s time to rethink how porn impacts our relationships

It’s more common than ever for women to consume porn. Back in 2016, the average percentage of women who consumed porn was 26 percent worldwide. In 2018, that number was much higher, with 3 out of every 10 PornHub users identifying as female.

While this may be surprising to some, it really shouldn’t be considering the lengths this industry has gone to in order to become inclusive, accepting, and more appealing to people of all genders and sexual orientations.

Visual porn platforms (such as PornHub) are still on top, but not for long.

In 2019, there were over 42 billion visits to PornHub, one of the largest visual porn platforms around. This means there was an average of 115 million visits to the website per day. Their statistics outline that the amount of content available on the site at any given time that year would have taken 169 years to watch.

Other visual pornography platforms have similar statistics, however there is a new kind of porn rising—and it’s captivating the imagination of women, in particular.

Audio porn is offering a more widely accepted, inclusive, and all-encompassing approach to sexual health and happiness.

“Audio porn” has been around for longer than you may realize, with the first phone sex line being launched in 1977 by Gloria Leonard. The 2010s saw a rise in audio porn, with platforms like Quinn and Dipsea breaking onto the pornography scene in a big way. Now, in 2020, platforms like Audiodesires, Voxxx, and more are following suit.

Audio porn offers a more in-depth, immersive, imaginative experience for women who previously found visual sex to be off-putting, offensive, or crude. More than that, it’s making the concept of pornography more “acceptable” and appreciated in mainstream media, with more attention being paid to these new platforms from sources like Yahoo and the New York Times.

Studies like this can alter misconceptions about how porn impacts our relationships.

“Some readers may be relieved to learn that pornography use is fairly common among women and is unlikely to interfere with sexual functioning during partnered relationships. Other variables such as ongoing anxiety/depression or sexual relationship dissatisfaction appear to more consistently predict sexual problems,” said McNabney.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

It’s Time to Solve All That Sexual Frustration You’re Feeling

No more pent-up dissatisfaction.

By Samantha Lefave

No matter your relationship status—whether you’re trying to reap the benefits of being single or find yourself in a marriage that’s lacking intimacy—feeling sexually frustrated is no fun, nor is it something to ignore. Satiating your sex drive is important, as experts say it’s closely tied to overall quality of life. So if you’re feeling regularly dissatisfied, here’s how to identify what might be happening—and how to fix it—so you can get back to feeling nothing but pleasure in between those sheets.

Let’s start by defining what exactly sexual frustration is.

Simply put, it’s exactly how it sounds—any feelings of frustration or dissatisfaction with your current sexual interaction or lack thereof, says Shamyra Howard, LCSW, sexologist and author of Use Your Mouth: Pocket-Sizes Conversations to Increase 7 Types of Intimacy In and Out of the Bedroom. “[It occurs when the sexual experiences you want are not in alignment with what you’re getting.”

And yep, it’s 100 percent normal to feel frustrated (sexually or not, TBH). “Most people—regardless of gender, sexuality, or relationship status—will experience sexual frustration at some point in their life,” Howard says. “Those in non-monogamous relationships deal with sexual frustration as well, especially since not all open relationships involve sex.”

What are some symptoms of feeling sexually frustrated?

People experience and exhibit symptoms of sexual frustration differently, Howard says. Some, for instance, might lose interest in sex and consistently decline it, she explains, whereas others may seek more of it (potentially with someone who isn’t their current partner) or decide to masturbate when they’d prefer sex. Symptoms of depression may start to crop up as well, and changes in mood are common, she adds.

Physically speaking, “you might feel a sense of buildup or tension without the desired sense of relief,” says Jessica O’Reilly, Ph.D., sexologist and author of The New Sex Bible. “It can be as simple as experiencing blood flow to the genitals (or another region you’ve come to associate with pleasure or orgasm), and when you don’t experience the pleasure or orgasm, you might find yourself feeling frustrated.”

To help identify how you’re feeling, O’Reilly suggests asking yourself why you have sex. “What benefits do you derive, and how do you feel before, during, and after?” she asks. “Are those feelings overwhelmingly positive, neutral, or negative?” If your answer is landing more in the neutral to negative territory, you may be feeling a little (or a lot) frustrated.

That said, symptoms of sexual frustration are not the end-all be-all, as O’Reilly says sometimes it’s about resetting expectations. “Feelings are not permanent states of being,” she says. “They’re temporary experiences and you can make attitudinal and behavioral adjustments to change the way you feel.”

But what exactly causes these frustrated feelings?

There are a wide variety of experiences that could lead to sexual frustration. Anything from not being able to orgasm and not having your pleasure prioritized, to feeling pressured to have more sex or not having enough of it—all can be a major hindrance, O’Reilly says.

That said, there are a few common causes sex therapists often encounter. The first: unclear sexual boundaries and motives. “Sex is more satisfying to people when they feel they are getting what they expect,” Howard says. People in long-term relationships likely want to feel love and intimacy, for example, whereas those who solely engage for sexual pleasure may want more raw desire. “When these expectations are discussed and agreed on upfront, each person can commit to the outcome,” she adds. In other words, you can’t just expect someone to know how to please you—communication is key.

Speaking of communication—or a lack thereof—not discussing mismatched libidos and falling into ho-hum routines can also cause frustration. If you know what to expect and there’s no variety in your sex life, it’s tough to feel motivated to, well, keep doing it, Howard says. Same goes for feeling like you “should” have sex because society tells you to (we’ve all heard the “have sex at least three times a week rule”), or because you have a partner with a higher sex drive than you. To be clear, having mismatched libidos doesn’t mean your sexual relationship with this partner is doomed. But it does mean you have to talk about it so those feelings of sexual frustration can be put to bed.

Other experiences ranging from medical conditions and treatment side effects to sexual identity, relationship issues outside of the bedroom, and external factors (think work-related problems, child rearing, or societal stressors) could be at play. The key thread is to examine all areas of your life to help identify the root cause.

How do I deal with it?

Rectifying sexual frustration is one of those things that needs to be done with lots of care and consideration for both yourself and your partner. First up: identifying the actual cause of the frustration.

“Start by ruling out any medical issues or possible interaction from medications or supplements,” Howard says. Next, use your mouth—by talking to your partner. “Lots of people have sex, but rarely talk about it,” she says. “Create a regular sex check-in where you discuss what’s working well, and what you’d like to see change.”

From there, you may want to shift the way you view sex. “Frustration often results from outcomes not meeting expectations, but it’s important to note that when you have a specific outcome in mind, you may be setting yourself up for frustration,” O’Reilly says. “One way to avoid sexual frustration is to explore sexual pleasure for pleasure’s sake, as opposed to focusing on a specific goal.”

And again, talk to your partner—alone or potentially with the help of a sex therapist—as Howard stresses it’s important your partner knows, understands, and agrees on your sexual expectations and boundaries each and every time they shift. (And yes, it’s always OK for them to shift.)

If you’re single, or just riding solo in the midst of a pandemic…

Partner or not, you don’t have to be abstinent. If the sexual frustration you’re feeling is due to a lack of sex, Howard suggests practicing solo touch and solo sex. “Masturbate, take yourself out on dates, and appreciate all of the things about you that you’d want a partner to,” she says. O’Reilly agrees: “Don’t let the absence of a partner hold you back from lending yourself a hand or reaching for your favorite toy.” (Don’t know where to start? Here are our favorite options for beginners.)

Regardless of your relationship status, remember to take care of you. “Oftentimes we complain about being sexually frustrated as though it’s someone else’s job to address our feelings—it’s not,” O’Reilly says. “You’re responsible for your own sexual fulfillment…It’s up to you to decide what works.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

From Graysexual to Heteroflexible

– Here’s A Big List Of Sexualities In 2020

by Stephanie Barnes

When it comes to sexuality, there is no one-size-fits-all approach, which explains why there is already such a long list of terms to describe sexual orientation, with more popping up every day. For someone who is searching for the perfect word to describe their sexual desires, this could take them a step closer to finding sexual liberation. For others, these terms can be a little bit confusing, and that’s OK if you feel that way.

Most people are familiar with the widely recognized acronym LGBTQ+, which stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, plus anyone who doesn’t identify as straight but also doesn’t fit in under the definitions of the other letters either. But the acronym is really just the tip of the rainbow iceberg. Here’s everything you need to know about sexuality, plus a fuller list of some of the most common sexualities in 2020.

Sexuality is an umbrella term describing the parts of your identity that deal with how you present yourself to the world, who you love, and who you find yourself attracted to or not attracted to. According to sexologist Carol Queen, Ph.D., it’s the way a person feels and expresses their relationship to sex, desire, arousal, and eroticism.

“It can include a lot of varying elements (what kind of person you’d want to have sex with, specific preferences, and more), but often we use this term as shorthand for sexual orientation and the number of ways people may express both desire and identity,” she explains. She also points out, “Sexuality can be fluid in a person’s life, so its elements may change.”

How many sexualities are there?

There’s no definitive number of sexualities since new words are constantly being conceived and integrated into popular language as the way we talk about sexual orientation evolves. This isn’t to say that new types of sexuality are being “invented” out of the blue; rather, people are creating new language to describe nuances of sexual attraction and behavior that have always existed. These terms serve as a way for people to feel seen and find communities of like-minded people. They also help with describing one’s identity, communicating with others about what you look for in relationships, and establishing compatibility with potential partners.

While there is no finite number of sexual orientation types, there are a handful of terms that you’re likely to see more than others.

The term allosexual refers to anyone who experiences sexual attraction. Those who identify as allosexual can also identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, or any other orientation, because allosexuality isn’t linked to gender but simply attraction. This is as opposed to asexuality, described below.

Someone who is androsexual will find themselves sexually or emotionally attracted to folks on the more masculine side. For some people, this attraction has very little to do with biology; it’s more about having a masculine identity or gender presentation. Alternatively, some people also use the term androsexual to refer to attraction to any folks with penises, though still with a focus on people with more masculine presentations.

An asexual individual typically doesn’t experience sexual attraction to any gender. However, it is possible for an asexual being to be romantically attracted to people of other genders or the same gender, and some asexual people do have sex in certain circumstances.

Have you ever wished there were two of you so you could have sex with yourself? If you answer yes, then you might be autosexual, aka someone who is sexually attracted to themselves.

Bi-curious refers to someone who is looking to explore or has already begun exploring bisexuality. There’s some disagreement about whether this term has roots in biphobia, however.

Someone who is bisexual will likely find themselves romantically, sexually, or emotionally attracted to more than one gender. It can sometimes overlap with pansexuality, which is the attraction to people regardless of gender. (Here’s more on how to know if you’re pansexual, as opposed to bisexual.)

Closeted, also referred to as “in the closet,” refers to anyone who is a part of the LGBTQIA+ community, but they have yet to publicly acknowledge this truth. These people typically have good reasons to keep their sexual identity to themselves, such as for safety from an intolerant community or to avoid discrimination associated with being “out” of the closet. Some closeted people may or may never “come out.”

Demisexual falls on the asexual spectrum. It describes someone who only experiences sexual attraction to folks they already have established a strong romantic or emotional relationship with.

Some people describe themselves as sexually fluid. A person who is fluid experiences their sexuality or sexual identity as changing over time or in different contexts rather than having one finite way they experience attraction.

The word gay is used to describe someone who is sexually, romantically, or emotionally attracted to people of the same gender. In some cases, women who date other women prefer to use the word lesbian, while others opt to use queer.

Graysexual people are all about the gray area of the sexuality spectrum and tend to experience limited sexual attraction. This means they’ll rarely experience sexual attraction, and when they do, it’s usually not very intense.

Gynesexual people are attracted to women and folks with more feminine gender presentations, as opposed to androsexual people who are interested in the masculine. Alternatively, some people also use the term gynesexual to describe attraction to people with vaginas, breasts, and a more feminine physical presentation.

Heterosexual or straight refers to people who are only attracted, whether sexually, emotionally, or romantically, to people of the “opposite” gender—i.e., men who are attracted to women exclusively, or women who are attracted to men exclusively.

Heteroflexible or homoflexible

A heteroflexible person is mostly straight (heterosexual) though occasionally is attracted to the same gender or other genders. A homoflexible person likewise is mostly gay (homosexual) though occasionally is attracted to the “opposite” gender. For example, a homoflexible man might primarily date and sleep with men but occasionally date or sleep with a woman. Like bi-curiosity, there’s still ongoing debate over whether these terms are rooted in biphobia.

The term homosexual is a bit outdated, but it refers to anyone who is attracted to people of the same or a similar gender.

A lesbian is a woman who is mentally, physically, and emotionally attracted to other women. Some women who date women prefer to be called gay or queer. Some people who don’t identify as women but do have more feminine aspects to their gender—for example, a more feminine-leaning nonbinary person—might also use the term lesbian to describe themselves and their relationships with other feminine people.

Someone who identifies as pansexual experiences attraction to folks regardless of sex or gender identity.

The dictionary defines queer as something “odd, strange, or weird,” but the word has since been reclaimed and redefined. These days, queer is an umbrella term that is sometimes used to describe anyone within the LGBTQ+ community. The term also provides a sense of community for those who may not fit into one of the other categories specifically but also don’t identify as straight or cisgender. 

Someone who falls into the questioning category is someone who is questioning their current sexual identity and curious about exploring different aspects of sexuality or gender. For example, this could apply to someone who has always identified as a lesbian but is now wondering whether they’re also attracted to men.

You might be seeing this word used in social media and dating app bios more often these days. A sapiosexual person is someone whose attraction is based on intelligence rather than sex or gender.

Someone who is sex-repulsed is repulsed or disgusted by sex or sexual behavior. This person falls on the spectrum of asexuality.

Skoliosexual is one of the newer terms on the sexuality scene, and it refers to a person who is attracted to anyone who isn’t cisgender. This means a skoliosexual will usually find themselves drawn to people who are trans or nonbinary.

A spectrasexual is sexually or romantically attracted to a wide range of sexes, genders, and gender identities.

You might’ve heard the saying “Sexuality is a spectrum” before. The sexuality spectrum is the idea that all sexuality exists on a spectrum with binary “absolutes” on each end, explains sexologist Tanya M. Bass, Ph.D. The spectrum most often referenced is the Kinsey scale, which describes sexuality as existing on a spectrum from exclusively heterosexual to exclusively homosexual. Any individual can fall anywhere on this spectrum.

Here’s every stop on the Kinsey scale:

0 – Exclusively heterosexual

1 – Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual

2 – Predominantly heterosexual but more than incidentally homosexual

3 – Equally heterosexual and homosexual

4 – Predominantly homosexual but more than incidentally heterosexual

5 – Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual

6 – Exclusively homosexual

X – No socio-sexual contacts or reactions

Bass points out that there are other spectrums of identity as well, such as the gender spectrum, which views gender identity as existing on a spectrum from maleness to femaleness. Any individual can fall anywhere on this spectrum. Asexuality is considered another spectrum, where people can experience varying degrees of asexuality or fall somewhere on a spectrum from asexual to allosexual.

“Spectrums describe sexuality as fluid related to gender, orientation, attraction, and expression,” Bass explains. “It can often challenge the binary for both orientation, expression, and identity.”

Sexual orientation versus romantic orientation.

A person’s sexual orientation can sometimes be confused with their romantic orientation, but the two things aren’t quite the same. Your sexual orientation is linked to who you want to have sex (or some sort of erotic experience) with, while your romantic orientation refers to who you want to love or be in a relationship with.

“You can have sex without being in a relationship; you can be in a relationship without sex. So these things explain two elements of sexuality that can be teased apart or are always experienced together—depending on the person. And they don’t even need to match. Plenty of people fall in love with the other gender but like to have sex with people of their own gender, for example. And vice versa,” Queen explains.

The prefixes a-, bi-, pan-, hetero-, and homo- can all be attached to either element. For example, a biromantic asexual person might be someone who’s open to romantic partnerships with more than one gender, but they do not want sex in those relationships. Panromantic, biromantic, and aromantic are examples of other variations of romantic orientation.

When you put sexual and romantic orientation together, you learn more about the specifics of the person embracing the identities.

There’s a lot of nuance when it comes to sexual identity, which can be both exciting and overwhelming. Remember that these words aren’t meant to be prescriptive or frightening: They’re here to make your life simpler by making it easier for you to tell people who you are and what you want from your relationships. If you were searching for your word, we hope you’ll find yourself one step closer.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!