Tag: Sexual Misinformation

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Experts Debunk Things Movies Taught You About Sex

By Jeremy Brown

In the movies, we often see a man or woman sweep his or her partner up, kiss them passionately, and have their way with them with barely a word spoken on either end. This notion that a person can simply take what they want when they want is not only false; it can set an unreasonable and dangerous precedent.

According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, one in five women has experienced rape or attempted rape during their lifetime. In addition, close to a quarter of men have also been victims of sexual violence. With these statistics in mind, it is clear that both partners need to be on the same page when it comes to getting physical.

“Communication is essential in any relationship — even a long-term partnership,” says Dr. Juliana Hauser, a licensed family and marriage therapist, an expert on sex and sexuality, and a Kindra Advisory Board Member. “I encourage couples who want to try something new to discuss it openly and honestly with their partner. One of my favorite ways to practice consent is my four quadrants exercise — it’s a helpful tool to openly discuss what you want to try in the bedroom, and what you don’t! Consent is sexy, should be enthusiastic and clear and reciprocal.”

Myth: Couples don’t routinely practice safer sex

And these unrealistic expectations of how sexual activity should be can end up doing more harm than good, even informing some people’s ideas of what sex is supposed to be. According to a 2016 study published in the Journal of Adolescent Health, only thirteen states mandate that sex education be medically accurate.

Perhaps even more worrying, a 2000 study published in the Western Journal of Medicine revealed that more than 80% of adolescents reported that a lot of their information about sex comes from television, movies, and other forms of entertainment. An additional 10% of adolescents said that they learned more about such topics as AIDS from media than they did from parents or educators.

With numbers like these in mind, we turned to a pair of experts who walked us through some of the most common movie misconceptions about sex – and how reality is so much better than fiction

Myth: Consent isn’t needed

When a couple enters a monogamous, committed relationship, the “Hollywood ending” mentality might lead one to believe that sex can now exist in a sort of consequence-free environment. With two sexually exclusive partners, the risk of disease is likely very low, if not nonexistent. And, if both partners are thinking long-term, there may not be any issues or concerns about getting pregnant. There can even be a societal element to couples electing to forego safe sex. A 2016 study published in Global Health Action showed that, among monogamous partners in southeastern Tanzania, there was a feeling that married partners who do not practice safe sex are “not really married.”

However, experts say that safe sex can be a way for couples to keep exploring and find new ways to connect and bond. “Safe sex can mean a variety of things for couples,” Hauser says, “whether it is to avoid pregnancy, lessen the risk of transmitting a sexual disease, try something new in a safe environment, or feel emotionally safe during intimacy. Be open and honest with your partner about what safe sex means to you. Experiencing safety in many forms during sexual connection is considered a powerful aphrodisiac for many individuals

Myth: Older people don’t have sex

Older couples in movies are usually portrayed as leading chaste, almost sexless lives. Sometimes their lack of intimacy is even played for laughs, with jokes flying about men’s inability to perform or women’s postmenopausal lack of desire. However, in reality, older people can be just as sexually active as younger people. A 2019 survey conducted by the American Psychological Association showed that a third of adults between the ages of 60 and 82 had more sex and even sexual thoughts than younger adults.

Hauser herself points to a Kindra/Harris Poll survey that showed that 70% of women over 50 say they still enjoy having sex. “There’s a myth that quality of sex declines and orgasms become more elusive for women as we age,” she notes. “That doesn’t have to be the case. In fact, many couples 50+ report finding a renewed interest in sexual connection, an increase in investing in sex toys and seeking professional support in experiencing more fulfilling sexual lives. There are practical things women can do to become ‘sexperts’ and reclaim their sexuality as they age to make sex more fulfilling, pleasure more abundant, and orgasms more potent — better than ever.”

Myth: Lubrication is unnecessary

Movie sex would have us believe that women are always so turned on that there is no need for any outside assistance, and the natural lubrication from her arousal is more than enough. If only it were that simple. The truth is, even if they are completely aroused, women still may need a little help with vaginal lubrication. A 2012 study published in Obstetrics and Gynecology revealed that 62% of women have used some type of lubricant during sex. This can be a particular issue as women grow older.

Hauser notes that more than half of women who are experiencing perimenopause and menopause can be affected by vaginal dryness. “This vaginal change can have a significant impact on body confidence, sexual connection and relationships,” she says. “Vulvovaginal moisturizers and lubricants make a significant difference for many women, especially those going through the hormonal shifts of menopause. Using a vaginal moisturizer helps rebuild moisture over time so you’re always ready for intimacy, and using a lubricant during sex can help increase feelings of pleasure.”

Myth: Don’t bother with foreplay

When you’re watching a movie, it’s understood that there is a need to keep the plot moving forward, so you can’t pause too long for a sex scene. But in a Hollywood tryst, we often see couples go from kissing to full-on intercourse in a matter of seconds. In reality, things should be moving at a much slower pace. Foreplay isn’t just enjoyable; it’s an important part of sexual intimacy, according to Healthline. Kissing alone releases a number of stress-reducing hormones, such as oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine.

“Being mentally and physically ready for and interested in sexual activity is so important — especially as we age,” says Hauser. “Foreplay allows your mind and body time to transition into receiving pleasure, to become present and to prime your body and if engaging in partnered sex, a connection with your partner without the focus of an end result. Embrace a curious mindset and give yourself permission to experiment to find what you like — solo pleasure can be so helpful here.”

Myth: Women always orgasm

Onscreen, women are almost always completely enraptured by their partner’s performance, to the point of achieving a blissful, even earth-shaking, orgasm. And, while it would be nice if vaginal intercourse were sufficient to bring all women to orgasm, it’s not always the case. In fact, a 2016 study published in Socioaffective Neuroscience & Pyschology revealed that, while 90% of men experience orgasm through intercourse, only 50% of women can say the same. The issue stems from the fact that most women achieve orgasm via stimulation of the clitoris. A 2015 study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy showed that nearly 37% of women required their clitorises to be stimulated in order to reach orgasm. An additional 36% said that, while they could achieve climax without it, stimulation of the clitoris improved their orgasms, making them feel better.

“While some women do reliably orgasm through intercourse, women are generally more likely to orgasm through oral sex, fingering, masturbation, and/or use of sex toys — in other words, acts that provide clitoral stimulation,” says Suzannah Weiss, resident sexologist for the pleasure product brand Biird. “Make sure the clit is getting attention!”

Myth: Sex in the shower is easy

Of all of the sexual myths that are better in concept than execution, sex in the shower could arguably top the list. In theory, it’s got all of the right components. It’s warm, it’s steamy, and everyone is naked by default. As such, it’s become a common love scene trope in movies, one that people try and replicate all too often at home. A 2020 survey conducted by Drench.com showed that more than half of adults have attempted to have sex in the shower. However, that poll also reveals that 32% have been disappointed by the experience, and an alarming 44% have actually been hurt during shower sex.

“If only sex in the shower — or bath or hot tub or pool — were as easy as they make it look in the movies!” Weiss says. “Unfortunately, water washes off natural lubrication, which increases friction during penetration. Not to mention, the shower is a confined and slippery place! If you are looking to have sex in the shower, manual or digital sex is probably the easiest kind. Silicone lube is the least likely to wash off, and you can also bring in a waterproof vibrator. Showering can also be great foreplay: You can kiss and feel each other up in the shower, then move to a more comfortable place like the bedroom.”

Myth: Simultaneous orgasms are easy to achieve

When movie couples achieve climax during one of their perfectly lit and artfully shot love scenes, it is usually in perfect sync, with the sequence fading to black as both couples relax in the afterglow. In reality, a simultaneous orgasm, particularly from vaginal intercourse, is a little harder to achieve. A 2018 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior showed that only 41% to 50% of women in particular were able to climax from unassisted intercourse, making a shared climax a challenging goal.

“Because most women don’t reliably orgasm through intercourse, simultaneous orgasms during intercourse are not the norm,” Weiss says. “There’s also just a low probability that both people will take the exact same amount of time to orgasm in any given encounter.” Weiss suggests a few ways to help couples increase the odds of them simultaneously orgasming. “One way to do it is to have one partner touch their own clitoris or use a vibrator during intercourse (I’m speaking mainly about heterosexual intercourse here). Both people can let each other know when they are getting close, so one person can ease up if they are approaching orgasm faster than the other. Another way to do this is to have one person touch themselves while they are pleasuring a partner with their hands or mouth. Or, two people can masturbate side by side — something we unfortunately rarely see on screen!”

Myth: Everyone performs perfectly every time

Sex scenes in movies look so great because, well, they’re movies. Everything is scripted, choreographed, and planned out, and couples have multiple takes to get it right. Clothes come off without a hitch, every movement is perfectly executed, and both partners perform like pros. If only it were that easy!

But, because so many of us have been conditioned to view sex the way we see it onscreen, the idea of falling short of that mark can be a trigger. According to the International Society for Sexual Medicine, up to 16% of women and 25% of men feel some form of anxiety around their performance in the bedroom.

“Sex doesn’t usually look like scripted sex scenes!” Weiss says. “Often, it involves talking, fumbling, pausing, not getting hard or wet when you want to, losing erections, not orgasming when you want to (or orgasming when you don’t want to), pets jumping on the bed, and more.” Weiss explains that the only things that can truly ruin sex are being embarrassed about it and taking it too seriously. “It’s OK for sex to be silly, messy, and unlike a Hollywood sex scene.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex and the Aging Male

I’m receiving a startling number of correspondences lately from older men and their partners, highlighting the sexual difficulties of the aging process. It’s not surprising that these people are noticing the changes in their sexual response cycle as they age, but it is astonishing that they haven’t attributed the changes to andropause.

A Little Frustrated

Dr Dick,
I’m a 54-year-old man, who three years ago managed to finally come out and live the life I so desperately longed for all my life. My question: Is there a biological clock in men like women have to deal with in menopause? During the last years of my marriage, there was no sex life—other than with myself. Now I’m living a fantastic life, with a great man whom I love very much. I know there is more to life than sex, but now that I’m finally able to express myself physically with a ma, I am unable to perform—and not for lack of trying!

I tried Viagra a few years ago. It used to work maintaining an erection, but it was just by myself, and I always had fun. But the side effects—headaches and discomfort—made me wonder, “Do I really want to take this stuff?” But now, even the meds don’t help, and as for my libido, it suffers due to my lack of ability.

I’ve been tested for testosterone levels, and they say I’m right where I should be at for my age. I’ve seen two doctors about the issue, and when they find out my partner’s sex, they don’t want to deal with it, and seem to just pass it off as an age thing. (BTW: I’m in fairly decent shape; I exercise three to four days a week at the gym.) Can you send me any advice on a path to take?
—A Little Frustrated

A little frustrated? Holy cow, darlin’, you sound a lot frustrated—and rightfully so! You finally find what’s been missing your whole life, only to discover that your plumbing is now giving out on you. Ain’t that a bitch!

And before I continue, I want to tell you and all the other alternative lifestyle people in my audience: Don’t settle for a sex-negative physician—no matter what. Find yourself a sex-positive doctor who will look beyond your choice of partner; someone who will give you the respect you deserve!

Andropause

You raise an interesting question about the aging process when you ask if men experience something similar to menopause in women. The short answer is—you betcha! In fact, it even has a name: andropause. It’s only been recently that the medical industry has started to pay attention to the impact that changing hormonal levels have on the male mind and body. Most often andropause is misdiagnosed as depression and treated with an antidepressant. WRONG!

All men experience a decrease in testosterone, the “male” hormone, as they age. This decline is gradual, often spanning 10 to 15 years. While the gradual decrease of testosterone does not display the profound effects that menopause does, the end results are similar.

And listen: When a physician says that your testosterone level falls within “an acceptable range,” he/she isn’t telling you much. Let’s just say you had an elevated level of testosterone all your life, ’til now. Let’s say that you now register on the lower end of “acceptable.” That would mean that you’ve had a significant loss in testosterone. But your doctor wouldn’t know that, because he/she has no baseline for your normal testosterone level.

There is no doubt that a man’s sexual response changes with advancing age and the decrease of testosterone. Sexual urges diminish, erections are harder to come by, they’re not as rigid, there’s less jizz shot with less oomph. And our refractory period (or interval) between erections is more elongated, too.

Andropausal men might want to consider Testosterone Replacement Therapy (TRT). Just know that most medical professionals resist testosterone therapy. Some mistakenly link Testosterone Replacement Therapy with prostate cancer, even though recent evidence shows prostatic disease is estrogen-dependent rather than testosterone-dependent. I encourage you to be fully informed about TRT before you approach your new sex-positive doctor, because the best medicine is practiced collaboratively—by you and your doctor.

Finally, getting the lead back in your pencil, so to speak, may simply be an issue of taking more time with arousal play. Don’t expect to go from zero to 60 in a matter of seconds like you once did. Also, I suggest that you use a cock ring. But most of all, fuckin’ relax, why don’tcha already? Your anxiety is short-circuiting your wood, my friend. And only you can stop that.

Here’s Gwen, who reports on her husband’s condition:

Dr Dick, My husband and I have been married for 33 years. Our relationship is hell when it comes to sex. My husband is overweight, and he’s stressed out about his elderly parents. Sex is non-existent. He never was the instigator in our relationship. And he is the kind of guy who thinks having sex on the couch as opposed to the bedroom is adventuresome. He has become so boring. I don’t believe the man feels sex should be that important at our ages. (I’m 57 and he’s 62) I, on the other hand, am more sexually aroused and creative than ever now that I am more mature and the kids are out of the house. Menopause and all the sex on the Internet helps too. 😉 Is there anything I can do to make my man return to being a healthy sexual being once again? Thank you.

No—thank you, Gwen. Your complaint is a familiar one. So familiar, in fact, that I regularly offer therapy groups for couples in long-term relationships, like you and your old man, who have, for one reason or another, hit a wall when it comes to their sex lives.

I’m sad to say there’s not much you can do to beef up your sex life if there’s no interest on the part of your husband to do so. I mean, you can lead the horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. You confide that you husband is overweight and stressed; not a happy combination when it comes to his sexual response cycle, even if we don’t factor in his age. In fact, your husband sounds like a heart attack waiting to happen. Perhaps if your challenged him about his general health—encourage weight loss and stress reduction—you might find that it might also reignite his sex drive. It’s worth a try.

And thank you for mentioning menopause. So many women find the changes that take place in midlife confusing and disorientating. It’s so good to hear from someone eager to explore and enjoy her sexuality post-menopause.

It’s clear that as we age, both women and men need more time and stimulation to get aroused. The slower, more sensuous foreplay that often results is a welcome change for most women and even some men. Increased focus on sensuality, intimacy, and communication can help a sexual relationship remain rewarding even well into our most senior years. If your husband is avoiding intercourse, there still many ways of expressing your love and staying connected:

Hugging, cuddling, kissing
Touching, stroking, massage, sensual baths
Mutual masturbation and oral sex

However, if your husband is more wedded to food and to stress than he is to you, and if he continues to refuse to join you in finding an appropriate outlet for your sexual frustration, then it’s up to you to make this happen on your own. Age 57 is way too soon to say goodbye to your sex life.

May I suggest joining a women’s group? Not a therapy group, but more of a support group or activities group. Getting out of the house, involving yourself with other self-actualized mature women, may uncover the secret solutions other women have put in place to find sexual satisfaction when they are without a partner or have a partner who’s no longer interested in them. I think you will be surprised by how creative your sisters can be. Make it happen, Gwen. Don’t sink to the lowest common denominator of living a sexless life.

Good luck!

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8 Sex Myths That Experts Wish Would Go Away

— Everyone else is having more sex than you. Men want sex more than women do. And more.

By Catherine Pearson

Chalk it up to the variability in sex education, in high schools and even medical schools, or to the fact that many adults find it hard to talk about sex with the person who regularly sees them naked. Whatever the reason, misinformation about sexuality and desire is common.

“There are so many myths out there,” said Laurie Mintz, an emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Florida who focuses on human sexuality. And, she added, they can “cause a lot of damage.”

So the Well section reached out to a group of sex therapists and researchers, and asked them to share a myth they wished would go away.

Here’s what they said.

Myth 1: Everyone else is having more sex than you.

“Oddly, this myth persists across the life span,” said Debby Herbenick, director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at the Indiana University School of Public Health and author of “Yes, Your Kid: What Parents Need to Know About Today’s Teens and Sex.”

Many teenagers think “everyone is doing it,” she said, leading them to jump into sex that they simply are not ready for. This myth can make older people in long-term relationships feel lousy, too — like they are the only ones in a so-called dry spell, when they may simply be experiencing the natural ebb and flow of desire.

“It’s pretty typical to find that about one in three people have had no partnered sex in the prior year,” Dr. Herbenick said, referencing several nationally representative surveys. She also points to research she has worked on showing that sexual activity has declined in recent years for reasons that aren’t fully understood. (Researchers have hypothesized that the decline has to do with factors like the rise in sexting and online pornography, as well as decreased drinking among young people.)

“It can help to normalize these periods of little to no partnered sex,” Dr. Herbenick said. “That said, for those looking for some longevity in their partnered sex life, it’s important to think about sex in a holistic way.” That means caring for your physical and mental health, she said, and talking through your feelings with your partner to maintain a sense of intimacy and connection.

Myth 2: Sex means penetration.

Sex therapists often lament that people get caught up in certain “sexual scripts,” or the idea that sex should unfold in a particular way — typically, a bit of foreplay that leads to intercourse.

But “we need to move beyond defining sex by a single behavior,” said Ian Kerner, a sex therapist and author of “She Comes First.” He noted that this type of narrow thinking has contributed to the longstanding pleasure gap between men and women in heterosexual encounters. For example, a study found that 75 percent of heterosexual men said they orgasmed every time they had been sexually intimate within the past month, compared with 33 percent of heterosexual women.

One survey found that 18 percent of women orgasmed from penetration alone, while 37 percent said they also needed clitoral stimulation to orgasm during intercourse. Instead of rushing toward intercourse, the focus should be on “outercourse,” Dr. Kerner said, which is an umbrella term for any sexual activity that doesn’t involve penetration.

“If you look at most mainstream movies, the image is women having these fast and fabulous orgasms from penetration, and foreplay is just the lead up to that main event,” Dr. Mintz said. “That is actually, scientifically, really damaging and false.”

In surveying thousands of women for her book “Becoming Cliterate,” Dr. Mintz found the percentage of women who said they orgasmed from penetration alone to be 4 percent or less.

Equating sex with penetration also leaves out people who have sex in other ways. For instance, Joe Kort, a sex therapist, has coined the term “sides” to describe gay men who do not have anal sex. Lexx Brown-James, a sex therapist, said that view also overlooks people with certain disabilities as well as those who simply do not enjoy penetration. Many people find greater sexual satisfaction from things like oral sex or “even just bodily contact,” she said.

Myth 3: Vaginas shouldn’t need extra lubricant.

Postmenopausal women sometimes describe the pain they experience during penetrative sex as feeling like “sandpaper” or “knives.” But while vaginal dryness affects older women at a higher rate, it can happen at any point in life, Dr. Herbenick said, which has implications for women’s sex lives.

An estimated 17 percent of women between 18 and 50 report vaginal dryness during sex, while more than 50 percent experience it after menopause. She noted that it is also more common while women are nursing or during perimenopause, and that certain medications, including some forms of birth control, can decrease lubrication.

“As I often tell my students, vaginas are not rainforests,” Dr. Herbenick said, noting that her research has found that most American women have used a lubricant at some point. “We can feel aroused or in love and still not lubricate the way we want to.”

Myth 4: It is normal for sex to hurt.

Though lubricant can help some women experience more pleasure during sex, it is important to remember that sex should not hurt. An estimated 75 percent of women experience painful sex at some point in their lives, which can have many root causes: gynecologic problems, hormonal changes, cancer treatment, trauma — the list goes on.

Shemeka Thorpe, a sexuality researcher and educator who specializes in Black women’s sexual well-being, said many women believe that pain during or after sex is a sign of good sex.

“We know a lot of the times that people who end up having some sort of sexual pain disorder later in life actually had sexual pain during their first intercourse, and continued to have sexual pain or vulva pain,” Dr. Thorpe said. “They didn’t realize it was an issue.”

Men, too, can experience pain during intercourse. Experts emphasize that it is important for anyone experiencing pain during sex to see a medical provider.

Myth 5: Men want sex more than women do.

“Desire discrepancy is the No. 1 problem I deal with in my practice, and by no means is the higher-desire partner always male,” Dr. Kerner said. “But because of this myth, men often feel a sense of shame around their lack of desire, and a pressure to always initiate.”

(Dr. Herbenick noted the related myth that women don’t masturbate, which she said holds them back from fully exploring their sexuality.)

But while there is data to suggest that men masturbate more often than women do, it is untrue that women don’t want sex, or that men always do, said Dr. Brown-James. For instance, one recent study found that women’s desire tended to fluctuate more throughout their lifetimes, but that men and women experienced very similar desire fluctuations throughout the week.

Myth 6: Desire should happen instantly.

Sex therapists and researchers generally believe that there are two types of desire: spontaneous, or the feeling of wanting sex out of the blue, and responsive, which arises in response to stimuli, like touch.

People tend to think that spontaneous desire — which is what many lovers experience early in relationships — is somehow better.

But Lori Brotto, a psychologist and the author of “Better Sex Through Mindfulness,” said a lot of the work she does is to normalize responsive desire, particularly among women and those in long-term relationships.

She helps them understand that it is possible to go into sex without spontaneous desire, as long as there is willingness and consent. Dr. Brotto likens it to going to the gym when you don’t feel like it. “Your endorphins start flowing, you feel really good and you’re grateful you went afterward,” she said.

Myth 7: Planned sex is boring.

Dr. Brotto also disagrees with the idea that “planned sex is bad sex,” because it makes it “clinical and dry and boring.”

That view is “so harmful,” she said. And it results in many people treating sex like an afterthought, doing it only late at night when they’re exhausted or distracted, Dr. Brotto said, if they make time for it at all.

When clients bristle at the practice of scheduling sex, she will ask: Are there many other activities in your life that you love or that are important to you that you never plan for or put on the calendar? The answer, she said, is usually no.

Scheduled sex can also lend itself to responsive desire, Dr. Brotto said, giving “arousal time to heat up.”

Myth 8: Your penis doesn’t stack up.

Men are under a certain amount of pressure when it comes to how their penises look or function, Dr. Kerner said. Younger men, he said, believe they shouldn’t have erectile dysfunction, while older men get the message that premature ejaculation is something they grow out of with age and experience.

The data tells a different story. Though erectile dysfunction — which is defined as a consistent inability to achieve or maintain an erection, not just occasional erection issues — does tend to increase with age, it also affects an estimated 8 percent of men in their 20s and 11 percent of those in their 30s. And 20 percent of men between the ages of 18 and 59 report experiencing premature ejaculation.

“We don’t have a little blue pill to make premature ejaculation go away, so we’re not having the same cultural conversation as we are with erectile dysfunction,” Dr. Kerner said. “We’re just left with the myths that guys with premature ejaculation are bad in bed, or sexually selfish.”

Likewise, studies show that many men — gay and straight — worry that their penises do not measure up, even though many partners say they do not prefer an especially large penis.

“Partnered sex is complex,” Dr. Kerner said. “It involves touching, tuning in, connecting, communicating.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The male menopause

— Genuine condition or moneymaking myth?

Late onset hypogonadism, sometimes likened to a ‘male menopause’, occurs in 2.1% of men who are almost exclusively over the age of 65.

Experts say there is no equivalent of the menopause for men and symptoms such as depression and low sex drive have other explanations

By

This week brought reports that “male menopause” policies are in place at several NHS trusts, with some HR managers suggesting staff could receive up to a year of sick pay if they experience symptoms. This is despite the NHS itself saying male menopause is not a clinical condition and that it is not national NHS policy to offer leave for it.

We take a look at the science behind the term.

What is meant by the “male menopause”?

The male menopause, also known as the andropause, is a term often used to refer to a cluster of features seen in some men in their late 40s to early 50s, such as depression, loss of sex drive, mood swings, erectile dysfunction, problems sleeping and loss of muscle mass.

However the NHS notes this is not a clinical condition. Rather, it says, it is an “unhelpful term sometimes used in the media”.

So this isn’t a male version of what women go through?

In a word, no.

Dr Ravinder Anand-Ivell, associate professor of endocrinology and reproductive physiology at the University of Nottingham and an expert of the European Academy of Andrology, says that the two are quite different.

“The menopause represents acute symptoms caused by the relatively abrupt cessation of ovarian hormonal function due to the exhaustion of a woman’s egg reserve at around 50 plus [or] minus five years of age,” she said. “Men have no equivalent physiology.”

Prof Richard Sharpe, an expert in male reproductive disorders from the University of Edinburgh, agreed.

“There is no question that, in normal men at the population level, blood testosterone levels decline with age from late 30s to early 40s onwards,” he said. “However, there is no precipitous fall in [blood testosterone] levels akin to that which occurs for estrogen levels in women at the menopause.”

Sharpe also stressed that some men may experience little blood testosterone decline when ageing. “It can be quite variable between individuals – unlike the 100% occurrence of menopause in women,” he said.

Does that mean the “male menopause” is made up?

Not exactly.

“There is a condition in some elderly men, known as ‘late onset hypogonadism’ or more recently called ‘functional hypogonadism’, which is characterised by low concentrations of testosterone in the blood together with symptoms of testosterone deficiency such as loss of libido, bone and muscle weakness, etc,” said Anand-Ivell.

But, she added, this occurs in approximately 2.1% of men, almost exclusively over the age of 65.

While some men with late-onset hypogonadism (LOH) may benefit from testosterone replacement therapy, its wider use has caused controversy. Some experts have raised concerns that it is being given to patients who have some similar symptoms to LOH but may have blood testosterone levels within the normal range for that age group.

“This is what I refer to as a ‘charlatan’s charter’; as such, general symptoms will occur in most men during – and before – ageing, but are almost always driven by other factors,” said Sharpe.

So what is behind this cluster of symptoms?

Anand-Ivell said men who reported sudden symptoms, and at a younger age, might well be experiencing another underlying health problem.

Indeed, as the NHS notes, features that have been ascribed to a “male menopause” could be down to lifestyle factors or psychological problems.

“For example, erectile dysfunction, low sex drive and mood swings may be the result of stress, depression [or] anxiety,” the NHS says, adding other causes of erectile dysfunction include smoking or heart problems.

Financial and life worries may also play a role in the symptoms some men experience during ageing, as could poor diet, lack of sleep and low self-esteem, the NHS notes.

Sharpe added that conditions such as obesity, and its downstream disorders, were also generally associated with lower blood testosterone levels in men, with some arguing it might predispose them to further weight gain.

As for treatment, Prof Frederick Wu of Manchester Royal Infirmary said the approach was threefold: “Lifestyle change, weight loss and improve general health,” he said.

Why is the male menopause getting attention?

Experts say a key reason the “male menopause” is a hot topic is money.

Anand-Ivell said: “A lot of the ‘andropause’ literature stems from commercial interests, particularly in the USA, wishing to draw spurious comparisons with the female menopause in order to sell testosterone-related products for which there is no clinical evidence of benefit.”

The latest headlines, meanwhile, have been fuelled by the revelation that male menopause policies are in place at several NHS trusts. Sharpe said: “For myself, I am amazed that any health board would even talk about there being an andropause, let alone suggesting time off.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Silver daddies

— Why do young adult men like older partners?

By Sachintha Wickramasinghe

You’ve probably heard of “sugar daddies.” Or “the internet’s daddy,” Pedro Pascal. Stereotypes of this popular term abound, but what does it actually mean to be a “daddy”? And who is most likely to engage in age-gap relationships, and why?

Daddies of a Different Kind, published today by UBC sociologist and assistant professor Dr. Tony Silva (he/him), analyzes the stories of gay and bisexual daddies and asks why younger adult men are interested in older men for sex and relationships.

We spoke to Dr. Silva about his findings.

What is a daddy and why were you interested in studying them?

sugar daddies,Daddies of a Different Kind,daddy,queer relationships,queer men,homosexual relationships
Front cover of Dr. Tony Silva’s new book, Daddies of a Different Kind.

Many people think of a daddy as a desirable, confident older man who may be paired with a younger partner. The term has gained popularity in recent years, and while it is used in the context of heterosexual, gay or bisexual relationships, research across the Western world shows that age-gap relationships are far more prevalent among gay and bisexual men than any other group. I was interested in finding out why, and learning more about the older men who identify or are perceived as daddies, and what it means to them.

For this book, I interviewed men in their twenties and thirties who partnered with older men, and men in their forties through late sixties who partnered with younger adult men in their twenties and thirties. Some of the older men actively identified as daddies, while others did not necessarily identify that way, but still fulfilled a daddy role and were aware that others saw them as daddies.

What does it mean to be a daddy?

For many of the older men I spoke to, being a daddy was not just about age and sexual and romantic partnerships, but also a sense of responsibility, mentorship and guidance.

As daddies, they saw themselves as providing emotional support, wisdom and life experience to their younger partners: whether that means helping younger adult men figure out career paths, how to come out, or how to integrate into gay and bisexual communities.

For many older men, it was also a point of pride and self-worth, as they felt that their age and experience made them more attractive and desirable to younger men.

The youngest daddy I interviewed was 43, and in general, men started seeing themselves as daddies in their 40s. Contrary to the popular stereotype of older men going after younger guys, it was often younger men who approached them on dating apps once they had silver hair or had other physical markers of aging, and that really sparked their transformation into a daddy.

What do the younger men get out these age-gap relationships?

Some of the reasons why the younger adult men pursued age-gap relationships included a preference for emotionally mature partners, finding older men physically attractive and a desire to learn from older men. Many of the younger adult men also found age-gap pairings sexually exciting and emotionally fulfilling and were drawn by the idea of having a mentor or role model in their partner.

Whether gay or straight, age-gap relationships can involve a power difference. How did the men you spoke to navigate that?

In most cases, there was a sense of responsibility the older men felt to make sure they treated younger adult men with a particular care and made sure they didn’t disadvantage the younger adult man in any way. In contrast to what many people assume, I found little evidence of widespread power differences that harmed either the younger or older men.

For many men, these cross-generational connections between adults seem like they’re a major part of what it means to be a gay or bisexual man today. According to some demographic research I’m currently working on, it looks like these relationships are actually becoming more common, not less.

But there’s still a lot of stigma and misinterpretation around age-gap relationships, so even though many of the men I spoke to were openly gay or bisexual, they don’t always talk about their age-gap relationships outside of other LGBT groups. This research helps us move beyond stereotypes.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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“Pleasure is Holy”

— How These Latinas Broke Free From Purity Culture

By Jessica Hoppe

The story of how I lost my virginity — a tale I long held onto — was a lie. A fiction as false as the construct itself, I fabricated the narrative to please my boyfriend. Before we got together, he expressed that my chastity was one of the most appealing qualities I possessed. His previous girlfriend had not been a virgin, and he resented not having been her first. Sloppy seconds, the boys called it. Although I became sexually active with him, I’d done it once before, a fact that I clearly needed to keep secret if I wanted him to pick me.

This double standard barely registered to me as a teen. Though premarital sex was not allowed, it was normal for men to have sex before marriage. Raised as a Jehovah’s Witness, a sect of US evangelical Christianity, my mother hoped the religion would safeguard her daughters against the violence she’d endured — a common response to abuse and gender discrimination. In reality, however, organized religion often uses fear to control our bodies, corrupting natural rites of passage through an anti-pleasure philosophy.

Over a decade of affiliation, I watched as the church judged and punished dozens of women for acting upon their desires. The men who did the same didn’t face any humiliation or consequences. Sequestered behind closed doors for hours, girls had no choice but to answer to a tribunal of elders — three or four self-appointed, middle-aged white men — who, through an intimately inappropriate line of questioning and based on the rumors they had heard about each girl’s behavior, assessed her level of repentance. From what I saw, the tribunal never believed any of the women or girls were contrite. 

“
“Raised as a Jehovah’s Witness, a sect of US evangelical Christianity, my mother hoped the religion would safeguard her daughters against the violence she’d endured — a common response to abuse and gender discrimination. In reality, however, organized religion often uses fear to control our bodies, corrupting natural rites of passage through an anti-pleasure philosophy.”
— jessica hoppe
”

When the elders deemed the victims guilty, everyone would find out. An appointed elder read their names aloud at the following service, publicly declaring their status to the congregation as disfellowshipped, which initiated a period of banishment. No one could speak to or acknowledge her for months — some for years — until the elders decided she was repentant and approved her reinstatement.

Through this indoctrination and the gravity of our family history, I began to think of my sexuality as separate from my body, aligning myself with the dictates of purity culture in order to be chosen. So I could feel safe. I had no idea I’d fallen prey to a favorite instrument of white supremacy.

Evangelists contextualize sex exclusively within a heteronormative framework and uphold the image of a thin, able-bodied, cis, straight, white woman as the epitome of purity, perpetuating colonial and Eurocentric values that systemically oppress women of color. The promise to wait for marriage seems universal, but what is the result when that aspiration is unattainable no matter your actions because it’s at odds with your identity?

As it turns out, it can wreak havoc on your mental health and familial relationships. A study conducted at University of Massachusetts Boston found that while the normalization of oppression — the restriction of sexual agency, the teaching of shame as a response to pleasure, and the perpetuation of rape culture — harms all, women of color were uniquely injured by the alienation of the rhetoric, expressing symptoms that “mimic that of posttraumatic stress disorder.”

“
“Specifically within the Latinx community, purity culture comes from marianismo, a deep devotion toward the Virgin Mary and a set of beliefs that encourage women to be pure, wait until marriage, respect patriarchal values, and self-sacrifice for the sake of the family.”
— Adriana Alejandre
”

“Specifically within the Latinx community, purity culture comes from marianismo, a deep devotion toward the Virgin Mary and a set of beliefs that encourage women to be pure, wait until marriage, respect patriarchal values, and self-sacrifice for the sake of the family, ” Adriana Alejandre, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and founder of Latinx Therapy tells Refinery29 Somos. “Whereas, the opposite is allowed for men. There is more forgiveness when men do not respect purity culture than for girls or women. When individuals outgrow this controlling perspective, it often creates estrangement among family members.”

Alejandre further explains that the effects from childhood are lifelong and require that we “unlearn harmful messages around sexuality and gender, such as virginity being a woman’s only worth and gift to husband upon marriage, being ashamed of sexual desires, [dressing] modestly, among many others.”

It is in regaining self-trust that healing can begin. Alejandre advises her clients to pay attention to the feeling of control and imposition. When is the message not coming from within you? “We can reject purity culture by embracing liberation, having open and developmentally appropriate conversations about sex to children, refraining from making statements such as, ‘sex is for marriage,’ and teaching all generations about body autonomy and consent,” she explains. “Lastly, I would recommend journaling about messages you received around sex, sexual education, consent, and sexual expression. Some questions to ask can include: How do these topics make me feel when I talk about them out loud to someone else? What are messages I grew up with? What are some beliefs I still carry even though I may not want to? How has my sexual expression changed over time?”

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“It is my choice now to rebuke it and reclaim my own: Pleasure is holy; it is freedom, and it is my birthright.”
— JESSICA HOPPE
”

While I do not turn to scripture often in my recovery from religious and sexual trauma, I do take delight in knowing that the Bible muses erotically through the entire Book of Solomon: A sensual collection of poems depicting lustful, consensual encounters ripe with juicy metaphors for arousal, genitalia, oral sex, and a woman who is not cast to fall on her back and receive; she is the pursuant. It is the story of her sexual awakening, and she never suffers for her passion. The sex is triumphant.

In rereading these ancient texts, I am reminded that it is the church’s calculated interpretations that have perverted sex with shame, a toxic message perpetuated from pulpits all over the world and across generations. It is my choice now to rebuke it and reclaim my own: Pleasure is holy; it is freedom, and it is my birthright. Here, three Latinas from different religious backgrounds discuss how they liberated themselves from purity culture and what they found on the other side.

Joy Valerie Carrera

I grew up evangelical Christian. To me, purity culture was something that was about remaining pure for God, and how it manifested in my life was through unrealistic standards of perfectionism in my relationships, in my behavior, and in my ways of being to ensure that I would one day enter heaven and could not afford to mess up because of one tiny thing. It fed into this anxiety. As a neurodivergent child, it made me feel like I was constantly messing up and not fitting this mold of “perfect.” It contributed to masking so much of who I truly was.

As a teenager, I remember signing a pact with God that I would remain pure until marriage. I was given a key to symbolize my virginity, the key to my heart that on my wedding night I would give to my husband. When I was 16, I thought I was in love with my high school boyfriend. I was waiting for marriage, and we had been dating for a year. My hormonal teenage brain figured a “loophole” would be that it was fine if we had sex because we would eventually get married. I ended up leaving religion at 18, but the conditioning was there and something I would keep learning to rewire. I had been raised to believe that once you had sex, you were tied and bonded to the person for a lifetime, so I ended up staying in this relationship longer than I should have, even though it was unhealthy. I had this guilt and shame that I could not break my pact with God. 

“
“Purity culture was something that was about remaining pure for God, and how it manifested in my life was through unrealistic standards of perfectionism in my relationships, in my behavior, and in my ways of being to ensure that I would one day enter heaven.”
— Joy Valerie Carrera
”

I was assaulted at 21, and that was a huge turning point for me because I logically knew it was not my fault, but I had that deep ingrained belief that because I had betrayed God and left the church I was being punished. I transitioned into the complete opposite, exploring my sexuality fully and doing everything that I was told I was not supposed to, but still had this underlying guilt and shame.

It has taken me 10 years of therapy, coaching, deep reflection, so much exploration, and embracing self-love to unlearn the deep, old religious conditioning. I now feel more confident in who I am and realize when the shame pops up, those aren’t my beliefs. They are beliefs that are ready to be liberated. This next phase of my journey, I hope to keep letting go of those to enter into conscious, intimate, and healthy relationships free from the pressure that my religious upbringing put on me.

Margot Spindola

As a cis Latina woman who went to Catholic K-12 school in a small rural town, purity culture was communicated to me through a series of insidious signals and messages that brought about immense introspection, shame, and insecurity about my own body — something I still struggle with unlearning to this day.

I learned about purity in Catholic school. While in seventh grade, I took a sexual education course taught by one of the moms of the community who was also a registered nurse. Despite her background, I distinctly remember her standing at the front of the class, waving her hands in the air, and telling us, “Condoms are of the devil.”

When I was 14 or 15 years old, my immigrant mami slipped a “God’s Plan” brochure underneath my bedroom door.I was already on my way to having sex by then, so it’s maddening that other people felt like they had control over my body when I was barely even wrapping my head around my own relationship with it.

In my junior year of high school, I attended what they called a “Morality” class, where philosophical debate and scripture overlapped and we would spend hours listening to my teacher drone on about natural family planning and how having premarital sex would send me straight on the path to purgatory. Because I was already feeling the asphyxiating grasp of organized religion’s hands around my neck, I knew that this talk of being a virgin was likely to be a scam. I didn’t yet realize or understand the invisible script it had coded into my body as I grew older. For a short time, I wore a purity ring. At the time, I didn’t truly resonate with my body and felt numb. Following the scripts my community gave me felt like the only way forward

“
The most radical act of rejecting purity culture is acknowledging the harms it has perpetuated.”
— Margot Spindola
”

Fast-forward to today, I’m 27 years old, and I embrace pleasure. But this didn’t happen overnight. It was a gradual process of self-reflection, critical thinking, and having conversations about sex. My body is no longer someone else’s to dictate. Instead, it is the “practice ground for transformation,” as adrianne maree brown so thoughtfully affirms in her book, Pleasure Activism. I’m thankful for the ways I was taught, regardless of the harm caused, because for better or for worse, it became a catalyst for my reckoning with my body. Instead of ignoring my body’s signals for pleasure (sexual or not), I embrace the ups and downs of where it takes me.

It has taken, and will take me, a long time to get to a place of crafting my own pleasure practice. It’s not to say that shame doesn’t sneak up on me, or that sometimes sex with a man can feel pressuring or the need to serve comes up. But the most radical act of rejecting purity culture is acknowledging the harms it has perpetuated.

Cindy Luquin

From my earliest memories, the concept of purity culture was ingrained in me through my family’s religious beliefs, particularly within the context of Pentecostalism. As the first child born in my family, I witnessed how religious congregations often served as a sanctuary for immigrant families from Latin America when they first arrived in the US, providing a sense of belonging and practical support.

The strong influence of Pentecostalism, combined with my Guatemalan heritage, created a subtle denial of our Maya Indigenous roots within our religious practice. I vividly recall an incident when I was just 4 years old, dressing up in traditional Indigenous clothing for a church event, which stirred conflicting emotions of pride and unease.

These early encounters with purity culture and the erasure of our Maya heritage left a lasting impression, highlighting the complex interplay between religious teachings, cultural identity, and the need for acceptance within the community. As I grew older, the effects of purity culture manifested in a profound internal struggle. I felt wrong for questioning the belief system and witnessed a disturbing double standard regarding gender roles and abusive behaviors.

“
“Although remnants of my religious upbringing occasionally resurface, I have done the necessary work in therapy and through personal healing to reclaim my bodily autonomy and liberate myself from judgment.”
— Cindy Luquin
”

The impact of purity culture led me to suppress my true identity and creative expression as a queer bisexual person. It burdened me with shame and guilt, leading to physical manifestations and a strategy of “faking” illness to avoid attending church. Only later did I realize that these feelings were genuine, rooted in the anxiety I felt about the constraints imposed on me.

In my early 20s, the pivotal experience of moving away to college granted me the freedom to explore my true identity and embark on a journey of self-discovery. Today, I proudly identify as a spiritual queer person, reconnecting with my Maya heritage and embracing the wisdom of Maya cosmology, which values earth, medicine, and nature.

Although remnants of my religious upbringing occasionally resurface, I have done the necessary work in therapy and through personal healing to reclaim my bodily autonomy and liberate myself from judgment. This process has instilled in me a sense of responsibility to support and guide others as a queer elder and educator, free from judgment.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How growing up in purity culture impacts sex

— The effects of shame-based narratives can have a big impact on our ability to experience pleasure fully.

By Gigi Engle

Purity culture messaging is everywhere. Even if you didn’t grow up particularly religious or even if you had fully atheist caregivers, it’s likely you’ve been exposed to messages from purity culture in some form.

Just look at the sex ed we have in the western world: It’s often focused on abstinence and the dangers of sex. This is rooted in purity culture. Look at sexual spirituality (a movement that masquerades as enlightenment and spiritual awakening all over social media) claiming that you need to sage your genitals in order to “cleanse” yourself of past lovers. Purity. Culture.

Purity culture has seen a massive uptick on social media, especially on TikTok with the emergence of “puriteen” views, finding a niche where it can spread the messages of needing to stay “virginal” and “pure” in order to be considered a good or worthy person in the pretty dressing of fun little videos. It’s sinister, really.

While I myself did not grow up in the church, as a sexuality professional — a sex-positive certified sex educator who specializes, amongst other things, in undoing the damaging messages of purity culture, while advocating for sexual freedom and autonomy – I have worked with countless folx who have. Much of the work my colleagues and I do is around detangling sexuality from the messages of purity culture. It can feel like walking backwards on a treadmill sometimes. This messaging is incredibly harmful and impacts people in myriad ways.

Purity culture messaging is insidious from every angle – but one of the most salient is the impact on sexuality. This “type of subculture isolates us into a box (or perhaps a cage) to the point where it is difficult to express ourselves sexually and it prevents us from having autonomy in seeking sexual relationships,” says Dr. Lee Phillips, Ed.D, a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist.

Basically, it messes with our understanding and connection to our sexuality. And it’s dangerous and damaging.

Whether you’ve freshly thrown off the shackles of purity culture, are attempting to do so presently – or escaped a long time ago, let’s break down how purity culture impacts sexuality – and how you can start to unlearn these messages in order to embrace pleasure and sexual freedom to the fullest extent.

Purity culture is centered on sexuality. While it targets everyone, it specifically centers around female sexuality – and female chastity, Philips says. It emphasizes staying “pure,” which means not having sex (usually intercourse) before marriage.

While this is sort of the cut-and-dry definition, Laurie Mintz, Ph.D. a licensed psychologist, certified sex therapist, and author of Becoming Cliterate, points out that modern Evangelical views of “purity” go far beyond this simplest framework. Within contemporary, fundamental Christianity, not only are women and girls responsible for not engaging in sex of any kind (or even having sexual thoughts), they become the gatekeepers for male sexuality. “Young women and girls in this culture are instructed to be submissive to men, and to be careful how they dress and interact with others to avoid ‘tempting’ men.” Women and girls are seen as the “moral foundation” of society and are pressured to behave modestly so they don’t make the men around them horny. Awesome.

“Young women and girls in this culture are instructed to be submissive to men, and to be careful how they dress and interact with others to avoid ‘tempting’ men.”

It is a culture of sexual suppression. It means “suppressing or trying to pray away any sexual thoughts and fantasies, desires, not masturbating, not looking at certain media, and generally demonizing all forms of sexual expression outside of traditional heterosexual marriage,” explains Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist, who specializes in purity culture and sexuality.

What purity culture messages look like

Now, what do these messages look like, really? Here are a few deeply disturbing examples.

  • Mintz points to likening women to a chewed-up piece of gum than no one would want if they have sexual experiences before marriage.
  • Telling women and girls they are responsible for the behavior of men and boys – that they must have tempted them if they are sexually assaulted or harassed. “Men must be both leaders and ultra masculine, but also cannot control their sexual desires,” Rowett says.
  • Being a good woman means always being submissive to men.
  • Your spiritual value, your “purity”, and your whole value as a person “comes from not just not having sex before marriage, but suppressing your entire sexuality,” Rowett says.
  • Your ability to truly love a partner will be damaged if you have sex – and no one will want you anyway because you’re “damaged goods.
  • If you watch porn, you are addicted to porn. And porn will 100 percent ruin your life. AND you’re going to hell.

These messages are baseless, incorrect, damaging – and downright dangerous. They are anti-science – entirely socially constructed by a puritanical society that wants to demonize sexuality in any form that doesn’t fall within heterosexual marriage.

How the messages of purity culture can filter into our sexuality

Even if we choose to reject the messages of purity culture later in life, they can still negatively impact us without even being aware of it. Shame-based messages are sticky little fuckers. They get their claws into our psyche and refuse to let go. They’re like emotional bedbugs: They burrow in and end up disrupting your peace. Philips points out that these early messages of shame can be quite traumatic – and this trauma impacts the mind-body messaging system.

Central to our ability to experience pleasure during sex is the connection between our brains and bodies. In order to experience pleasure and orgasm to the fullest extent, we need to feel calm and safe. This relaxed state facilitates the messages between the brain and body which, in turn, allows us to experience desire and physical arousal.

Because of the negative messages of purity culture and sexual shame, we can go into a state of Fight, Flight, or Freeze during sexual activity. This breaks the mind-body messaging system. This is a trauma response. As Mintz explains, “If one has been indoctrinated with the message that sex is sinful, that they are sinful, and the like, it is going to result in being immersed in shameful, negative self-talk during sex, rather than experiencing and immersing in one’s body sensations.”

Philips points to the following examples of how the trauma of purity culture messaging can lead to sexual difficulties:

  • Experiencing a sexual problem and believing it is your fault.
  • Feeling very little or nothing during sex.
  • Not speaking up or avoiding discussing sex at all.
  • Unexplained pain, tension, softness, or ejaculation problems for AMAB (assigned male at birth) people.
  • Wanting to rush through sexual experiences.
  • Finding it difficult to engage in sex without relying on substances.
  • Feeling like you are too much or not enough.
  • Feeling afraid to take risks.
  • Losing connection to playfulness.
  • Difficulties with orgasm.
  • Feeling unworthy of pleasure.
  • Being stuck in a cycle of unfulfilling sexual behavior and/or experiences.

5 tips for purity culture dropouts to increase their sexual pleasure

Give yourself the time you need to really heal

Congratulations! You’ve escaped from purity culture and you should be proud. With that being said, the healing process will likely take a long time. “Remember to give yourself a lot of time and space to heal, and know that you don’t need to figure it all out now,” Rowett says. You’ve been inundated with these sex-shaming messages for your whole upbringing. It is going to take time to untangle them and move forward. You’re brave and you’ve got this.

Feel your damn feelings

When it comes to unlearning harmful messaging, emotions can bubble up and spill out. As tempting as it may be to tamp these down, try to sit with them. Revel in the discomfort of it. “You might feel sad and want to mourn the lost years of your sex life,” Philips explains. “You might feel angry, or personally victimized. You may feel hurt. Whatever is there to feel, feel it fully.”

Resource yourself and find community

Start reading books and digesting media from people who have been on this same journey. Mintz suggests reading the book Pure and watching the documentary Deconstructing My Religion to start. Media can help you feel less alone. Next, find your people. There are so many purity culture dropout forums online where you can find people who have the same lived experience that you do.

“Unlearning such toxic, harmful messages is difficult — but with education and support, it is possible.”

Seek professional help

“Unlearning such toxic, harmful messages is difficult — but with education and support, it is possible,” Mitz says. Hire a professional sex therapist or coach who specifically works with folx who come from purity culture. Rowett even has amazing classes that are centered on embracing your pleasure and leaving shame in the past. Learn more here.

Practice conscious masturbation

Conscious masturbation is when you go really slowly with self-touch, breathing deeply and connecting with the sensations in your body. “As you practice conscious masturbation, you will progressively begin to feel safer in your body. This might not happen overnight (especially if the roots of trauma or sexual shame run deep), but it will happen with patience, love, and persistence,” Philips says. It’s simply about being with your body and allowing it to experience pleasure. It is a brilliant way to come into yourself and embrace that your body’s a vessel for pleasure. And that you deserve pleasure!

It might feel like a long road ahead of you, but you can and WILL recover from the trauma of growing up in purity culture. You’re already on your way. And you’re going to crush it.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Surviving purity culture

— How I healed a lifetime of sexual shame

By Linda Kay Klein

In the 1990s, a movement born out of the white, American, evangelical Christian church swept the globe: purity culture. They weren’t the first or only fundamentalist religion to sexually shame women & girls. But this time, the message was mainstream, almost cool: women and girls are either pure or impure, depending on their sexuality. Decades later, we’re just starting to grapple with the long-term effects of these teachings. In this deeply intimate talk, Linda Kay Klein shares how she recovered from purity culture’s toxic teaching — and how she helps others do the same.

Linda Kay Klein is the award-winning author of “Pure: Inside the Evangelical Movement that Shamed a Generation of Young Women and How I Broke Free.” She is a purity culture recovery coach and the founder and president of Break Free Together, a nonprofit serving individuals recovering from gender- and sexuality-based religious trauma. She has an interdisciplinary Master’s degree in gender, sexuality, and religion from New York University and is a trained Our Whole Lives (OWL) sexuality education facilitator. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community.

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Does Penis Size Actually Matter?

By Adrienne Santos-Longhurst

What’s the short answer?

No, penis size doesn’t matter — at least not in terms of desirability or function.
Its size has zero bearing on its ability to give and receive pleasure or do any of what it’s supposed to do.

That’s not to say that some people don’t prefer a bigger or smaller one, but that’s a matter of perceived preference, kind of like pineapple on pizza. To each their own.

Need some reassurance — or better yet, proof? Read on.

Bigger isn’t necessarily better

Contrary to the bull you might hear in the locker room or media, a bigger dick isn’t everything.

Bigger-than-average penises have been associated with a higher risk of injury and infection.

Extra length can also make some positions especially painful.

Too much girth can cause tearing if you’re not careful, especially during anal sex. Then there’s the whole choking and gag reflex to contend with during oral.

Of course, there are ways around these things, but it just goes to show that having a huge D isn’t all that.

Smaller isn’t necessarily bad

A smaller D is automatically easier to handle, which means all involved can focus on pleasure rather than pain or trying to figure out how the eff you’re gonna get THAT in there.

It’s certainly easier for fitting in the mouth. And when it comes to anal, a smaller peen is basically top dog.

Like any size penis, any perceived shortcomings are easily — and enjoyably — rectified with the right position.

And average is, well, smaller than you probably think

Most people with penises — around 85 percent — overestimate what average is when it comes to dick size and are convinced everyone else is packing something a lot beefier.

Here’s a dose of reality based on the most recent stats on schlong size:

  • The average penis length is 3.6 in (9.1 cm) when flaccid and 5.2 in (13.1 cm) when erect.
  • Girth-wise, the average flaccid penis measures 3.66 (9.31 cm) around and 4.59 (11.66 cm) in while erect.

To be clear: Size has nothing to do with stamina

You can be hung like the proverbial stallion and still lack stamina in the sack.

A big dick won’t last longer than a smaller one or keep you from running out of steam or cumming faster than you’d like.

It doesn’t affect fertility, either

If you’ve got baby-making on the mind, the last thing you need to do is stress about your size.

For starters, sperm is produced in the testicles — not the penis. Plus, there’s evidence that stress can reduce sperm quality and affect fertility.

FYI, stress can also put a kibosh on sexual pleasure, boners, and negatively impact your overall health.

The only thing size can do is affect your game — for better or worse

Peen size can totally affect your game, but how comes down to you.

Learn how to make the most of what you’ve got and all the other ways there are to give pleasure and you’ll be a rockstar. Focus on size alone and you’ll flop — literally and figuratively.

For example, some folks neglect their skillset because they think a big dick is all they need to rock someone’s world… and it’s not.

Others may let worries of a small D drain their confidence, causing them to overcompensate in other ways.

All of these things can take a mental toll on the penis-haver and suck the fun out of a sex sesh for all involved.

How to maximize what you’re working with

Not to keep hammering away at it, but it’s not the size of your penis that matters as much as what you do with it.

There’s nothing quite like leaving your partner writhing in ecstasy to thrust your confidence sky high, which will serve you well, in and out of the bedroom.

Here’s how to max the crap out of what you’ve got and feel good about what you’re working with — whether you lean bigger, smaller, or fall someplace between.

If you’re more endowed

The key to working with a bigger-than-average penis isn’t even really about your penis — at least not at first.

Making sure your partner is super-aroused will make it easier for them to handle your beast of a boner, so some extra focus on foreplay is a must. And lube. Lots of lube.

Use your mouth, tongue, or fingers to tease their erogenous zones, focusing on all the usual suspects, like the nips and genitals, as well as some less explored but surprisingly erotic bits, like the inner arms of behind the knees.

If you’re both ready to move onto penetration, choose positions that allow your partner a little more control over the depth. Having them on top is always a good way to go.

First, they can take you in at a pace that feels good. Plus, you get a bangin’ view of all the action and easy access to their other parts for maximum arousal.

If you’re less endowed

If your penis falls to the smaller side of the spectrum, focus on positions that let you go deep, like doggy style. Take it deeper by having your partner lower their head and chest while arching their back.

If you have a thinner penis, choose positions that make for a tighter squeeze. This can be any sex position, really, so long as your partner keeps their legs tight together.

Missionary, face-down, and them-on-top positions all work with closed legs.

And don’t let your wang worries make you forget about other types of sex. Add oral sex to the menu as the appetizer or even the main course.

And when giving, incorporate your hands or a sex toy to increase the chances of a clitoral or anal orgasm.

And speaking of orgasms, know that the chances of having them increases greatly with manual or oral stimulation than with intercourse.

You may also find it easier to hit the G spot, A spot, or P spot using your fingers or a toy. Seriously. Give it a try. You can thank us later.

If you’re somewhere in the middle

Well look at you and your not-too-big and not-too-small D, Goldicocks!

In terms of sex positions, anything goes if you aren’t trying to accommodate a penis that falls outside the average range. This is your chance to experiment like mad and fine tune the positions that you and your partner enjoy the most.

As long as your partner’s up for it, mix things up with sex in different places or consider exploring your kinky side.

Sensation play using sex toys, feathers, and ice cubes is a good start, especially if you’re BDSM-curious.

The bottom line

Being good in bed — or anywhere else you choose to get busy — isn’t about penis size, but how you handle it.

Figuring out what feels good for you and your partner and choosing moves that make the most of your penis type will serve you better than worrying will, so get to it!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Seeking Sex Therapy

— Sexual dysfunctions affect a multitude of people throughout their lives. Therefore, it’s a common occurrence to visit a sex therapist. But, what motivates people to seek help? In this article, we’ll investigate.

By Gorka Jiménez Pajares

If you’re seeking sex therapy, you’re probably aware of its possible implications in other areas of your life. Sex therapy intervenes in clinical disorders like sexual dysfunction, a condition that affects three out of four people in adulthood, regardless of age or sex.

Despite this fact, many countries’ health strategies have been focused on other areas. For example, reproductive health and the prevention of the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. This has led to sex therapy remaining in the background.

“Sexuality is an integral part of a person’s emotional health and well-being, and should be treated with the same importance as any other area of health.” -Barry McCarthy-

Sexual dysfunction (SD)

Sexual dysfunction refers to various clinical entities. According to the American Psychiatric Association (DSM-5-TR, APA, 2022), they revolve around aspects such as a lack of sexual desire, difficulties with achieving erections, or pain during intercourse.

Research published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine (Lewis et al., 2010), claims that women often suffer from sexual dysfunction. In fact:

  • Up to 25 percent of women suffer from an orgasmic disorder.
  • Around 55 percent suffer from a sexual interest/arousal disorder.
  • Up to 27 percent suffer from a penetrating genito-pelvic disorder.

Men also frequently experience sexual dysfunction. An investigation led by Lewis et. al (2010) reports the following numbers:

  • Up to 30 percent of men suffer from premature ejaculation.
  • Around 40 percent experience an erectile disorder.
  • Up to 18 percent experience a sexual interest/arousal disorder.

As a rule, to diagnose sexual dysfunction, six months must have elapsed since the onset of symptoms. These have an impact in various spheres, such as couples. They cause anguish and discomfort in sufferers as they don’t enjoy sexual encounters (APA, 2022).

“Many contextual factors, such as the postpartum period, job stressors, or breakups, can temporarily affect sexual functioning.” -David Lafortune-

Patients seeking sex therapy

As a rule, those who request the services of a specialized sex therapist do so because they’re dissatisfied with their sexual experiences. In this regard, recent research published in the technical journal, Plos One, led by researcher David Lafortune (Lafortune et al., 2023) states that several common elements are found in people seeking sex therapy.

In fact, the study states that, as a result of dissatisfaction in this area, patients with sexual dysfunction experience high levels of discomfort. This leads them to seek professional help. However, the process is far from free of restrictions.

Lafortune et al mentioned the following drawbacks (Lafortune et al., 2023):

  • Nearly two out of ten people didn’t receive adequate information.
  • Almost three out of ten people couldn’t afford it.
  • Almost six out of ten people found it difficult to access an expert.
  • Nearly three out of ten patients were on waiting lists for extended periods.

When we look at the social and demographic characteristics of the participants, curiously, the majority of patients who attend sex therapy are usually men (both heterosexual and homosexual).

“Low sexual functioning represents a major public health problem.”-David Lafortune-

Professionals sought by patients seeking sex therapy

A study published in the International Urogynecology Journal (2018) claims that people with sexual dysfunction avoid contacting sexual health professionals because they consider the conditions they’re suffering from to be a natural and normal part of the aging process. However, this may constitute a mistaken belief regarding sexual health, since the advantages of going to therapy are substantial.

According to the study carried out by Lafortune and his team, almost 19 percent of people visted a specialist in general medicine, ten percent to a specialist in urology or gynecology, and 12 percent to a psychologist. Therefore, sex therapists are the professionals most in demand by those seeking to treat sexual dysfunction.

Considering the high prevalence of sexual dysfunction in society, it’s essential that public health policies are implemented to address these problems.

As you can see, there are several difficulties and barriers facing the sexual dysfunction sufferer. For instance, Lafortune et al mention that the pandemic produced by the SARS-COV-2 virus increased the number of patients with sexual dysfunction. This was due to the fact that, during the period of social isolation, there was no chance of seeking treatment.

“The COVID-19 pandemic could have exacerbated sexual dysfunctions and influenced help-seeking behaviors.”-David Lafortune-

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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5 Myths About Orgasms We Need To Put To Bed

By Amanda Chatel
When it comes to orgasms, there’s a hotbed of myths surrounding them. The reason for this is because they’re shrouded in mystery. To give you an example of just how mysterious the orgasm is, especially for those with vulvas, according to a 2005 study published in HHS Author Manuscripts, it wasn’t until the mid-1990s that researchers, via MRI, discovered the clitoris has an internal component. The MRI also found that this inner part was far bigger than the exposed bulb and the clitoris has erectile tissue similar to that of a penis, giving some much-needed insight into the clitoris and how it impacts orgasms from the outside and inside.

What makes the orgasm for those with vulvas even more puzzling for researchers is that it’s not necessary for pregnancy, unlike when someone with a penis orgasms and releases sperm meant to fertilize, resulting in conception. Our orgasm is essentially an enigma, per The New York Times. But where there’s a mystery, rumors will follow. Here are five of the most common myths about orgasms that we’re putting to bed right now.

Everyone should be able to orgasm through penetration alone

If ever there were a myth that needed to be debunked, shattered, and put out to pasture it’s that penetration equals orgasm for everyone. If only it were that easy. Study after study has found that the majority of people with a vulva can’t orgasm through intercourse alone. While those percentages vary based on the participants, a 2017 study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy found that 36.6% need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, while only 18.4% reported that penetration alone could bring them to climax.

But it’s not only people with vulvas who need more than penetration to orgasm. Per a 2016 study published in Socioaffective Neuroscience & Psychology, contrary to what we might have been taught, those with penises don’t actually have a 100% orgasm rate during penetrative sex either — it’s “[m]ore than 90%,” according to the Scandinavian Journal of Sexology. Granted, that’s pretty darn close to 100%, thereby illustrating that the orgasm gap is indeed legitimate, but it’s important to realize that penetration alone simply doesn’t do it for everyone.

Sex is only good if there’s an orgasm involved

Because our culture puts so much emphasis on orgasms, we often forget that great sex doesn’t have to involve them. Especially if you take into consideration the fact that some people struggle to orgasm or don’t orgasm at all. If we reduce sex — in all its forms — to just achieving orgasms, then we all lose. Just as much as intercourse isn’t the only type of sex one can have, orgasm isn’t the only result of sex that can be experienced.

“There are a million reasons why we choose to be sexual, ranging from wanting intimacy, for excitement, to relieve boredom and to feel attractive,” psychosexologist Dr. Karen Gurney tells Refinery 29. “Many of these motivations can give us pleasure without getting anywhere near orgasm … The psychological and physical processes which result in orgasm involve a complex interplay between receiving bodily sensations that we enjoy, situations which we find erotic, and our ability to focus our attention on all of these things.”

When we put too much importance on having an orgasm, we miss out on properly enjoying the ride. Sex is a journey, from beginning to end, with a lot of different sensations and methods to experience arousal along the way. In fact, concentrating so much on coming can make it even harder to achieve.

There’s only one type of orgasm

When we hear the word “orgasm,” we tend to immediately think of climax that results from clitoral stimulation or, if you have a penis, when ejaculation occurs. But, and this might be some of the most exciting news you’ll read in a long time, there are several types of orgasms.

In addition to the clitoral orgasm, there’s the vaginal orgasm (also known as the G-spot orgasm) as well as the blended orgasm, which is experiencing both the clitoral and vaginal orgasms at the same time. There are also multiple orgasms; the anal orgasm; and the nipple orgasm (yes, some people can climax from nipple stimulation!) With the hotly debated squirting orgasm, fluid (not urine) is released from the urethral glands. The coregasm is induced by core-focused exercise, while skin orgasms, also known as music orgasms, are usually dismissed as goosebumps. Sleep orgasms are those delightful no-effort orgasms that we have while getting some proper shuteye. The U-spot orgasm results from urethral stimulation, while the A-spot orgasm has to do with the anterior fornix, which is located roughly a couple of inches above the G-spot.

Not only are there so many types of orgasms that can be experienced, but there are different intensities that can be felt with each. If that weren’t enough, genital orgasms can be broken up into three categories: avalanche, volcano, and wave. According to a 2022 study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, these orgasms are the result of the tension being held in the pelvic floor — in case you needed another reason to practice your Kegel exercises regularly. Fun fact: a strong pelvic floor means stronger and even longer orgasms.

Using sex toys on a regular basis will desensitize your genitals

Sex toys have finally become mainstream, and are no longer something that one should feel shy about purchasing or owning. Sex toy innovation has reached extraordinary heights and with so many pleasure companies being owned by people with vulvas, these products are being created to help close that aforementioned orgasm gap.

Sex toys of all kinds are great for not just orgasms, but experimentation and self-exploration. Because, after all, you never really know what gets you off until you try something new. But despite this, a rumor persists that using sex toys, vibrators in particular, too often is going to desensitize the genitals (most notably the clitoris) making orgasm more difficult to achieve — especially during partnered sex. Simply, that’s not how the body works.

“What actually happens with a vibrator is that you tend to reach the climax faster because you are being intensely stimulated, more so than a finger or hand,” sex therapist Rachel Hoffman tells Insider. “Therefore, when you compare a session with your vibrator to a session with a partner (without a vibrator) it might feel very different, creating the myth of desensitization.”

Different types of stimulation create different types of sensations. But if your clitoris has started to rely more on your vibrator for orgasms than other types of stimulation — for example, your partner’s hands or tongue — then you can take a sex toy break. However, desensitizing your genitals just isn’t a thing.

If you can’t orgasm, there’s something wrong with you

Short answer: this is absolutely, positively not true. According to a 2000 study published in Current Psychiatry Reports, 10% to 15% of those with vulvas experience anorgasmia — the inability to orgasm. Anorgasmia is a disorder that isn’t just the complete absence of orgasms after sexual arousal, but it can also result in delayed climax, or rare and less intense orgasms (via Mayo Clinic).

For some, anorgasmia can be a lifelong disorder in which an orgasm is never achieved, or it can be something that comes about over one’s lifetime, or it can be situational in that you have a million other things on your plate and your head just isn’t in the game. But no matter the reason, the inability to orgasm isn’t a flaw, nor does it mean you’re broken or can’t enjoy sex. It means you enjoy sex differently than those who are able to orgasm.

As much as orgasms are a wonderful experience, it’s paramount to keep in mind that pleasure looks and feels different for everyone. If your main mode of satisfaction is an orgasm, that’s great. But keeping in mind just how complicated human sexuality is, it’s also essential to know that orgasms don’t hit the spot for everyone in the same way.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Are GOP Lawmakers Obsessed about Sex?

— By focusing on sex, Republicans can court both the evangelical right and the right-wing extreme QAnon vote.

By Robert Reich

The Republican Party, once a proud proponent of limited government, has become a font of government intrusion into the most intimate aspects of personal and family life.

Last Friday, a judge who previously worked for a conservative Republican legal organization and was then nominated to the bench by Trump and pushed through the Senate by Mitch McConnell, invalidated the FDA’s approval of a 23-year-old abortion pill (mifepristone) used in over half of pregnancy terminations in the United States.

Meanwhile, in the wake of the Dobbs case (in which Republican appointees on the Supreme Court reversed Roe v. Wade), Republican states are criminalizing abortion. Some are criminalizing the act of helping women obtain an abortion in another state. Texas gives private citizens the right to sue anyone who helps someone get an abortion. Idaho just passed an “abortion trafficking” law that would make helping a minor leave Idaho to get an abortion without parental consent punishable by five years in prison. Tennessee Republicans have made it illegal to mail medical abortion pills. In the last Congress, 167 House Republicans co-sponsored the Life at Conception Act, conferring full personhood rights on fertilized eggs.

At the same time, Republican lawmakers want to make it more difficult for couples to buy contraceptives. Sixteen Republican-dominated state legislatures already bar abortion clinics from receiving public contraception funds.

So far, at least 11 Republican states have enacted laws restricting or banning gender-affirming care for minors, even if parents approve. Texas’s Republican governor, Greg Abbott, has ordered state child welfare officials to launch child abuse investigations into reports of transgender kids receiving such care. Republican lawmakers are also pushing teachers to refer to students by their gender assigned at birth. Many are restricting which bathrooms trans students can use.

Republican states are also limiting discussions of gender and sexuality in classrooms. Florida’s Republican governor, Ron DeSantis, signed a bill banning public school teachers in kindergarten through third grade from talking about sexual orientation or gender identity, calling it an “anti-grooming bill” and accusing opponents of wanting to groom young children for sexual exploitation.

Republican lawmakers are also putting obstacles in the way of same-sex marriage and are considering appeals to the Supreme Court to reverse its 2015 Obergefell v. Hodges ruling. Texas’s Republican attorney general says he’d “feel comfortable defending a law that once again outlawed sodomy” in the wake of Dobbs.

Oh, and Republicans now routinely accuse political opponents of favoring child pornography. In her confirmation hearings, Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson was barraged with questions from Republican senators about her alleged lenient treatment of child pornographers. (In four days of hearings, the phrase “child porn” or “pornography” or “pornographer” was mentioned 165 times, along with 142 mentions of “sex” or related terms like “sexual abuse” or “sex crimes.”)

Three Reasons Why Republican Lawmakers Are Obsessing about Sex

First, by focusing on sex, Republicans can court both the evangelical right and the right-wing extreme QAnon vote (with its loony “Pizzagate” conspiracy claim that Democrats are pedophiles).

gop sex obsession

Second, by focusing on sex, Republican lawmakers don’t have to talk nonstop about Trump. They don’t have to discuss his indictment or other pending cases against him. They don’t have to say whether they agree with his vitriolic diatribes against other Republicans (DeSantis, McConnell, and any other Republican who criticizes him). They don’t have to defend his bonkers positions (on Ukraine, NATO, George Soros, immigrants, and all else).

Finally, creating a culture war over sex allows Republicans to sound faux populist without having to address the practical problems faced by most Americans — lack of paid sick leave, unaffordable child care and elder care, stagnant wages, and inadequate housing. And by focusing on sex, they believe they can ignore the sources of populist anger — corporate profiteering and price gouging, monopolization, union busting, soaring CEO pay, and billionaires who pay a lower tax rate than the average worker (courtesy, in part, of the 2017 Republican tax cut for the wealthy).

But the Republican obsession about sex is backfiring on them, as we saw in the 2022 midterms and again in last week’s elections in Wisconsin and Chicago. It’s drawing a contrast between the two parties that pits the GOP against the vast majority of voters.

It’s becoming increasingly apparent to Americans that while Democrats want to make life easier for average working people and end corporate abuses of economic power, Republicans want government to intrude on the most intimate aspects of peoples’ lives.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Don’t say “period”

— How Florida Republicans are taking aim at basic sex education

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis answers questions from the media in the Florida Cabinet following his “State of the State” address during a joint session of the Florida Senate and House of Representatives at the state capitol in Tallahassee, Florida, on March 7, 2023.

A bill wants to restrict when students can discuss “human sexuality” at school.

By Fabiola Cineas

While many of the controversial education bills in Florida have limited how schools teach about history or gender, the latest, House Bill 1069, is turning back to a more traditional target for conservatives: sex education.

If passed, the law would require that teachers get approval for materials used in sexual health classes, which can only be taught in grades six through 12 under the law. It would also require that schools teach a specific definition of “sex” and “reproductive roles.”

The bill advanced last week at a Florida House Education Quality Subcommittee hearing — bolstered by a Republican supermajority — and is on its way to a vote on the state House floor. Ultimately, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis will likely sign it into law.

The bill joins DeSantis’s two other education initiatives — the “Don’t Say Gay” law and the Stop WOKE Act — in seeking to restrict what teachers can talk about in the classroom. And while it’s nominally about sex education, it would also reinforce those laws’ restrictions on what students learn about gender and relationships, and increase the state’s ability to restrict what students read in the school library by giving parents and community members the power to object to some materials.

During the subcommittee hearing last week, Democrats were aghast that lawmakers didn’t consider whether a topic as innocuous as menstrual cycles would be barred from discussions at school under the legislation. Rep. Ashley Viola Gantt asked Rep. Stan McClain, who proposed the legislation, whether the bill would prohibit young girls from talking about their periods in schools.

“Does this bill prohibit conversations about menstrual cycles ― because we know that typically the age is between 10 and 15 ― so if little girls experience their menstrual cycle in fifth grade or fourth grade, will that prohibit conversations from them since they are in the grade lower than sixth grade?” Gantt asked McClain during the committee hearing. McClain responded that the bill would restrict such conversations, but later said the goal of the bill is not to punish little girls.

“Teachers are a safe place. Schools are a safe place. [But teachers] can’t even talk to their students about these very real and biological things that happen to their bodies, these little girls. It wasn’t even contemplated that little girls can have their periods in third grade or fourth grade,” Gantt said in her testimony. “If we are preparing children to be informed adults, we need to inform them about their bodies and that’s something very basic.”

The bill would regulate Florida’s already disjointed sex ed landscape

Florida schools are not required to teach sex education, but are required to teach comprehensive health education. There is no statewide curriculum for sex education, which makes instruction inconsistent across the state, according to an ABC report. Plus, Florida has long touted its opt-out policy, which allows parents to remove their children from instruction on reproductive health.

Critics of the bill fear that it will push the state away from embracing comprehensive sex education, which advocates say is necessary. A 2019 CDC youth risk behavior study found that more than half of Florida’s 12th graders had already had sexual intercourse; of those who were sexually active, half of them did not use a condom during their last sexual encounter.

The bill is also another avenue for DeSantis and his allies to enforce conservative beliefs about sex and gender. According to the bill, “sex” is either female or male “based on the organization of the body of such person for a specific reproductive role.” One’s reproductive role and sex are determined by their “sex chromosomes, naturally occurring sex hormones, and internal and external genitalia present at birth.”

This law goes further than other proposed legislation that would require teachers to use pronouns that correspond with a student’s gender assigned at birth, which opponents of the proposal have argued is an attack on trans students and faculty members.

In building on earlier book restrictions already in effect in various parts of the state, the law would require that materials used to teach about reproductive health or sexually transmitted diseases be approved by the state education department. The bill does not detail what the approval process would entail. Teachers subject to book bans in certain districts, including the Duval County school district, have already described the process as time consuming and shrouded in mystery.

>Sex ed, health, and science classes that teach about HIV/AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases can only discuss human sexuality in grades six through 12. And the courses must abide by the idea that “biological males impregnate biological females by fertilizing the female egg with male sperm; that the female then gestates the offspring.” Under the law, these reproductive roles are “binary, stable, and unchangeable” — a statement that refuses to admit the existence of trans and nonbinary people.

Democrats also noted that limiting certain discussions to middle school and higher grade levels could be harmful to younger students.

“Imagine a little girl in fourth grade going to the bathroom and finding blood in her panties and thinking that she is dying. This is a reality for little girls in school. They can be in foster care. They could have parents who just work a lot because wages are stagnant and the price of living continues to grow,” Gantt said. “She doesn’t actually know what’s going on. And her teacher doesn’t have the ability to tell her that this is a part of life because she’s in the fourth grade.”

The law doubles down on abstinence education, which the state has long promoted, despite evidence that abstinence-only education does not lower adolescent birth rates. According to the law, teaching abstinence from sexual activity is a “certain way to avoid out-of-wedlock pregnancy.” The law emphasizes that teachers must teach the benefits of monogamous heterosexual marriage. The bill says teachers must teach material that is grade and age appropriate for students but does not offer additional details.

Relatedly, as DeSantis prepares his expected presidential run, his administration is moving to expand its “Don’t Say Gay” law, which took effect in 2022. It bars grades K-3 teachers from teaching about gender identity and sexual orientation, and a proposed State Board of Education rule, which comes up for a vote in April and doesn’t require legislative approval, would expand the restriction to grades four to 12.

The bans keep coming

DeSantis has said his education legislation empowers parents, giving them greater latitude to monitor what happens in classrooms. This bill carries this effort forward, though advocates have said such laws allow parental overreach and take power away from teachers who are experts.

The proposed legislation tasks district school boards with choosing course content and instructional materials used in classrooms. This means that boards have the power to control what’s available in school and classroom libraries and classroom reading lists. They’re also tasked with developing guidelines for how parents can object to what’s being taught and make it easier for them to do so.

The same provision even empowers “a resident of the county” to submit objections. Content can be objected to for a variety of reasons under the law, including if it depicts sexual content, is “not suited to student needs,” or is inappropriate for a student’s grade level or age group.

As with other Florida legislation, if certain material is objected to it must be removed from a classroom within five school days from when the objection was filed and cannot return to the school until the objection is investigated and resolved. If a school district finds an objection to be valid under the law, teachers must discontinue its use.

The bill also opens up avenues for parents to contest a school board’s decision to adopt certain course materials via petition. School districts are to consider petitions during hearings and make a determination. If a parent disagrees with a district’s decision, the law gives them the power to request that the commissioner of education appoint a special magistrate to issue a recommendation for how to resolve the dispute.

These allowances build on legislation that Florida passed last year that limits the kinds of materials that schools can carry in their libraries.

Republicans have argued that these bills do not constitute book bans, but activists say that’s exactly what they are.

“This is a ban because the language in the bill says this information will be removed completely. What if a parent says I don’t want my child to ever be exposed to slavery and that part of our history?” Gantt asked during her testimony. “There are so many ways we can keep children safe and informed and have these conversations.”

If signed by DeSantis, the law would take effect July 1, 2023.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The 8 Biggest Secrets Sex Therapists Wish Couples Knew

Those red flags in the bedroom might not be as troubling as you think.

By Dana Schulz

Talking about sex, especially to a stranger, is not something that comes naturally to a lot of people. It can bring up feelings of embarrassment, shame, or inadequacy—all of which is why even couples who seek out a sex therapist can skirt around the issue. This leads to a lot of misconceptions about intimacy, from thinking that having less sex means your partner is cheating to believing that sex toys are only for couples with major issues. That’s why we spoke to sex therapists to learn the biggest secrets they wish couples knew. Read on for expert advice that might change your whole outlook in the bedroom.

1 A change in frequency is normal… and chemical!

For many couples, one of the most worrisome signs in the bedroom is when they stop having as much sex. But if you’ve been together for a long time, this might not be quite the red flag you think it is.

“Understanding that desire changes, ebbs, and flows throughout life is normal,” says Gigi Engle, ACS, resident intimacy expert at 3Fun and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life. “We need to work with it, not have unrealistic expectations.”

According to Engle, there is something called New Relationship Energy (NRE), which is that intoxicating feeling of lust when we first meet someone new. “We are majorly all over each other because our brains are awash in feel-good hormones like oxytocin and dopamine,” she says. “That’s why we feel so sexually aroused and horny all the time in new relationships—we don’t need as much of all the other situational factors.”

However, once we settle into a more comfortable and familiar pattern, “the love hormone or cuddle chemical oxytocin” decreases, according to Tatyana Dyachenko, sexual and relationship therapist at Peaches & Screams. She advises long-term couples to try something new in the bedroom to spike these chemicals.

2 Women get bored more often than men do.

Society tends to depict men as more likely to cheat and as having a larger sexual appetite. But according to Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, sex and relationship expert at Luvbites, “research has found that women get bored of sex with their partner a lot faster than men.”

One such study that corroborates this was published in 2017 in the British Medical Journal. It found that women were twice as likely as men to lose interest in sex after a year of being together or while living with their partner.

Likewise, a 2012 study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy concluded that “women’s sexual desire was significantly and negatively predicted by relationship duration,” whereas that was not the case for men.

Suwinyattichaiporn says it’s important to understand this so partners of women can prioritize “passion, excitement, playfulness, and variety.”

3 Sometimes there is a lack of attraction.

This is a hard truth, but sometimes couples find themselves not having sex because one person has stopped finding the other attractive. “Many long-term couples don’t find their partner attractive and lose sexual interest in them,” says Suwinyattichaiporn.

That doesn’t just mean physical attraction. If you’ve grown grumpy or no longer enjoy discussing the topics you used to, these could also hinder your partner’s desire. “The advice is rather simple, take care of yourself physically, mentally, and intellectually,” says Suwinyattichaiporn.

It’s also important to note that women may find their partner less attractive during certain times of their menstrual cycle, according to a 2020 study published in Biological Psychology.

“Women’s hormone levels change across their ovulatory cycles, and these changes are likely to affect their psychology and, perhaps, the way they feel toward their romantic partner,” study author Francesca Righetti, an associate professor at the Department of Experimental and Applied Psychology at the VU Amsterdam, told PsyPost. “We found that the hormone that peaks just prior to ovulation, estradiol, was associated with more negative partner evaluation.”

4 Sex is more than penetration and/or an orgasm.

There are so many ways to be intimate with your partner, many of which don’t include penetration and don’t have to end in an orgasm.

“Anytime we hug, kiss, rub, squeeze, and nuzzle into a romantic partner, there is an intimate charge,” explains Engle. “This doesn’t involve the touching of genitals but is intimately based in that it allows us to meet the needs of sex like feeling desired, expressing desire, and connecting in a way unique to us as sexual partners.”

Realizing and appreciating this can take a lot of the pressure off couples who are struggling in the bedroom. “When we feel like every hug, kiss, and nuzzle is going to need to be followed up with sex, we start to avoid it. Allowing it to take root back in your relationship can be the balm that heals it,” Engle adds.

5 Sex toys don’t mean there’s a problem.

Sex therapists find that oftentimes their clients equate sex toys with a problem in their sexual intimacy. But that is not the case.

“Even couples who have great sex integrate sex toys into their sexual routine for new stimulations and deeper orgasms,” explains Dyachenko.

According to Engle, staying curious and trying new things is, in fact, one of the best ways to recreate some of that NRE energy. “Rekindled relationship energy is important because it encourages the new couple to spend time together and get to know each other,” she says. “It is the time where trust is built and the foundations of the relationships are established.”

6 Infidelity can strengthen a relationship.

Cheating is usually considered the most unforgivable offense in a relationship, but according to Lee Phillips, LCSW, a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist, with the correct guidance, infidelity can actually strengthen a partnership.

“People usually do not wake up, and say, ‘I am going to cheat on my partner today.’ Usually, there is an emotional disconnection that has led to resentment causing this ultimate betrayal,” explains Phillips. “Couples can learn to identify why the infidelity occurred and heal from it by identifying a ‘new normal’ of their relationship … This is something that could have been missing for years.”

To work through an issue as complex as infidelity, it’s advisable to see a couple’s counselor.

7 Communication is key.

It might sound obvious, but sex therapists find that so many of their clients lose sight of how important it is to communicate about sex.

“There is this idea that when a couple has sex, they just do it. However, sex is about pleasure, and it is important to talk about what sex and pleasure mean to the both of you,” advises Phillips. She notes that in many cases, couples will discuss sex at the beginning of a relationship but not as time goes on. And, as we know, sexual desires and libidos change over time.

Nicole Schafer, LPC, a sex and relationship coach, adds that communication can itself be sexy. “Learn to take things slowly and draw it out. Take your time, focusing on the details of each other while communicating with your partner about what you like and don’t like, or what they love or wish you would do,” she suggests. “The build-up and attention to detail will make your time together phenomenal.”

8 Setting boundaries can help.

It’s important to remember that both you and your partner should never have to feel uncomfortable with sex.

“Boundaries can be healthy, and they are a way of showing respect to your partner,” says Phillips. “Here are some examples of boundaries: I know that you are feeling sexual, but I am just not in the mood, can we try this weekend? I am not a mind reader; can you please tell me what you are thinking? I am still thinking about what you said the other night, I need more time to think about it.”

Being open will help you both relax and be more receptive to intimacy.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Common Questions About Condoms

— Yes, there is a condom that will fit

Condoms are often part of safe sex and contraception discussions because, when used correctly, they’re effective for birth control and sexually transmitted infection (STI) prevention.

But there’s quite a bit of confusion out there about condoms. Do they truly protect against herpes? Are two condoms better than one? Are some penises really “too big” for every condom out there? Physician assistant and sexual health expert Evan Cottrill, PA-C, AAHIVS, HIVPCP, helps clear up common myths about condoms.

What are the types of condoms?

First, some basics. What are the different types of condoms? There are two main types:

  • External condoms are worn over the penis to collect ejaculation fluids.
  • Internal condoms are worn inside the body to act as a barrier and keep ejaculation fluids from entering someone’s body.

There are also dental dams, which act as a barrier during oral sex of any kind.

All types of condoms reduce the risk of transmitting STIs through bodily fluids. Condoms also prevent pregnancy by keeping semen from entering the vagina. There are many other methods of birth control to prevent pregnancy, but a condom can also protect you from STIs. This is also true if you’re having anal sex.

Below, Cottrill walks us through nine facts about condoms and debunks some popular myths along the way.

Are lambskin condoms different from latex condoms?

Condoms made from latex, polyurethane and other synthetic materials can protect you from STIs. But lamb cecum condoms, also called natural membrane or lambskin condoms, can allow viruses to pass through.

If you’re only concerned about preventing pregnancy, lambskin condoms are fine. But if you want protection from STIs, use a latex or polyurethane condom.

Are some people too big for condoms?

If someone has ever told you, Condoms don’t fit me, don’t buy it — this is a myth.

“Anatomic size varies, of course,” says Cottrill. “But there is a condom that can fit every person.”

Most penises don’t require a special condom size. But if needed, there are larger — and smaller — condom sizes available. If you can’t find the right fit at your local grocery store, try searching for them online.

Do condoms protect against herpes?

“Yes, when you use condoms consistently and correctly, they do protect against herpes,” says Cottrill.

The myth that condoms don’t protect against herpes probably came from people who weren’t using them correctly or weren’t using them enough. Herpes is a lifelong condition that spreads through close contact with someone who’s had the infection — even when they’re not having an outbreak and show no signs or symptoms of infection. Herpes can also spread through oral sex and by sharing sex toys, which means it’s important to use a dental dam or condom when participating in these activities.

“You need to use condoms for all types of sex, including oral sex, to prevent the spread of herpes,” states Cottrill.

Do condoms protect against HIV?

“Condoms most definitely reduce the risk of transmitting HIV,” says Cottrill.

However, when it comes to protecting against the spread of viral STIs, such as HIV, hepatitis C and herpes simplex virus (HSV), the condom material matters. For the best protection, avoid lambskin condoms and use latex or polyurethane instead.

Do condoms protect against HPV?

Yes, condoms protect against human papillomavirus (HPV) infection.

“Condoms are effective against any STI, whether bacterial or viral,” notes Cottrill. He again emphasizes that latex and polyurethane condoms — not lambskin — are your best protection.

Is it bad to keep a condom in your wallet?

“This is a very popular question,” says Cottrill. “I do not recommend keeping condoms in your wallet because heat lowers the quality of the material over time. Plus, the packaging can get torn or opened.”

It’s also not a good idea to keep condoms in your car, which can get very hot in the sun. It’s best to store condoms in a cool place where the package won’t get crushed, folded or punctured.

Should you use two condoms?

It might seem logical that two condoms would be better than one — twice the protection or something like that, right? But it’s actually the opposite.

“Do not use two condoms at the same time,” says Cottrill.

Friction during sex can weaken the condoms as they slide against each other, leading to breakage. You also don’t want to wear external condoms while your partner wears an internal condom for the same reasons. Using one condom at a time is most effective.

Can you use any lube with condoms?

Choosing the right lubricant depends partly on the type of condom you’re using. If you’re using latex, stick with silicone or water-based lubricants. Don’t use oil-based substances such as petroleum jelly (Vaseline®), lotion, massage oil or coconut oil, as these can weaken the latex and lead to tears.

But you can use oil-based lubricants with condoms made of polyurethane or other synthetic materials, as these won’t break down so easily.

Do condom expiration dates matter?

Yes, condoms expire, and it’s important to look at those dates.

“It’s best not to use a condom that’s past the date printed on the package or over five years old,” cautions Cottrill.

The condom material breaks down over time, so an older condom is more likely to tear during sex.

Tips for choosing and using condoms

When choosing a condom, consider:

  • Size: Regular-sized external condoms work just fine for most people. But you can find other sizes available, if necessary, typically right on the shelf at your local drugstore or online.
  • Material: Lambskin condoms work for avoiding pregnancy but aren’t great for STI protection. Latex and polyurethane condoms are best if you want to prevent the spread of STIs.
  • Allergies: Some people are allergic to latex. If that’s you or your partner, use condoms made of polyurethane or another synthetic material.

No matter what type of condom you’re choosing, use a new condom every time and follow the directions on the package to minimize the risk of slippage, leakage or breakage. If your condom does tear or break while you’re having sex, stop immediately and replace it with a new condom. If you’re concerned about possible pregnancy or STIs, make an appointment with a healthcare provider.

If you’ve tossed the box and need a refresher on how to properly use external condoms, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has a handy guide for using external condoms.

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