Tag: sex and relationship advice

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Coronavirus and Sex: Questions and Answers

Some of us are mating in actual captivity. Some of us not at all. The pandemic raises lots of issues around safe intimate physical contact, and what it may look like in the future.

By Jen Gunter

These are not sexy times.

As an obstetrician and gynecologist in the Bay Area, I’ve been caring for my patients via telemedicine for the past three weeks because of the new coronavirus pandemic. When I ask patients about new sex partners — a standard question for me — the answer is a universal “no.” They are taking California’s shelter-in-place very seriously.

In fact, many of my patients are more interested in updates about the virus than the medical (and often sexual) problem for which they were referred.

The pandemic has most of the world practicing exceptional hand hygiene and social distancing. This coronavirus is so new that we don’t know what we don’t know, and while fresh information is coming at an incredible pace, one medical recommendation has remained constant: the need for social distancing.

This time has been an exercise in prioritizing needs from wants. So where does sex fall on that spectrum?

Are we even wanting sex these days?

It’s hard to know yet. While some people may turn to sex for comfort or as a temporary distraction, these are unprecedented times and we don’t have much data.

Depression and anxiety have a negative effect on libido. Some people are out of work, too, and unemployment can affect sexual desire. The kind of worry people are experiencing crosses so many domains: job security, health, friends’ and family’s health, retirement and the ability to have access to medical care, to name a few.

One study that looked at the effect of the 2008 Wenchuan earthquake in China on the reproductive health of married women found sexual activity decreased significantly, and not just in the week after the earthquake.

Before the earthquake, 67 percent of married women reported they were having sex two or more times a week. One week after the earthquake, that number fell to 4 percent. By four weeks, only 24 percent reported they were having sex two or more times a week, well below the baseline.

While this study is retrospective data — women were asked to recall their sexual activity eight weeks after the earthquake — and an earthquake isn’t the same thing as a pandemic, it seems unlikely that sexual activity overall will increase.

However, trauma — and these are certainly traumatic times for some — can also lead to sexual risk taking, like unprotected sex or sex under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

What is considered ‘safe sex’ right now?

Your risk for infection with the new coronavirus starts as soon as someone gets within six feet of you. (And of course, if you do have sex, your risk for pregnancy and S.T.I.s remains the same, and the previous definition of “safe sex” still applies.)

You’ve read this elsewhere: Covid-19 is transmitted by droplet nuclei, tiny specks of infectious material far too small to see. They are sprayed from the nose and mouth by breathing, talking, coughing and sneezing.

A person contracts the virus sharing the same airspace — a six-foot radius, the distance droplet nuclei are believed to travel (although with coughing they may travel farther) — and inhaling the infectious particles. Or the droplet nuclei land on an object or surface, making it infectious. Touch that surface and then your face and the chain of transmission is complete.

If you do have sex with someone who is infected with the new coronavirus, there is nothing we can recommend, be it showering head to toe with soap before and immediately after sex, or using condoms, to reduce your risk of infection. (The New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene issued these guidelines.)

We don’t know if the new coronavirus is present in vaginal secretions or ejaculate, but it has been identified in stool. Based on what we currently know about transmission of coronavirus, penetrative vaginal or anal sex or oral sex seem unlikely to pose a significant risk of transmission.

Who are the safest partners?

It’s best to limit sex to your household sex partner (HSP), who should also be following recommendations for hand hygiene and social distancing. The World Health Organization currently lists the risk of household transmission as 3 to 10 percent, but this is based on preliminary data. We don’t know what role kissing or sexual activity plays in transmission.

The idea of limiting sexual contact to your household partner and social distancing in general is about ending the chain of transmission to your household should one person become infected.

If your HSP is sick with symptoms of Covid-19, or has been exposed, definitely don’t have sex. They may be too fatigued anyway, but your risk of being infected will likely go up in close, intimate contact. Sleep in separate bedrooms if possible.

If you have more than one bathroom, designate one for the sick or exposed person. Try to stay six feet apart and be fastidious about cleaning surfaces. If they were exposed, living as separate as possible in your home for 14 days is recommended.

What if I’m in a new relationship and had planned to get other S.T.I. testing done?

Many labs are overwhelmed with coronavirus testing, so you may not get results for some S.T.I.s — like gonorrhea, chlamydia and herpes — as fast as before. Given the short supply of test kits for Covid-19, many medical centers and labs are taking swabs and liquid from other test kits to jury-rig testing kits for the new coronavirus, so sampling kits for genital infections may be in short supply.

Ask your health provider because work flows may vary locally and may change day to day. But if you are at risk of an S.T.I., you should still seek out a test as soon as possible.

Sign up to receive our daily Coronavirus Briefing, an informed guide with the latest developments and expert advice.

What if I don’t have an HSP? Am I now celibate?

Yes, I’m sorry to say, those are the recommendations. For now.

But this doesn’t mean you can’t meet people online — start talking on the phone, have video chats, sext or have phone sex if that’s your thing.

And if someone you meet online is encouraging you to meet in person? That not only tells you how they view their own safety, but, even more important, how they view yours.

What about a ‘Covid sex buddy’?

I’ve heard people talk about this: a sexual partner who agrees to socially distance with everyone else, but the two of you will hook up for mutual release.

I really discourage this (for now): Social distancing means limiting contact with people outside of your household. Each additional person added to the household increases risk. And of course, you are depending on this person to be as vigilant with social distancing as you are — not to mention the risk during transportation between your home and your partner’s. At the moment, the risk is too high.

Might we see people in close proximity hooking up who both tested positive for Covid-19 and are now 14 days post-positive test? It would not surprise me. However, we don’t know much about immunity (protection from reinfection) against Covid-19 after an infection. And because tests are in short supply, many people have presumptive infections but can’t be tested.

With seasonal coronaviruses that cause a common cold, immunity lasts about a year, but with the more serious coronaviruses like SARS or MERS, immunity seems to last longer. But we still don’t know enough to make concrete recommendations in terms of post-illness behavior.

What about sex toys?

Sex toys aren’t likely to be a method of coronavirus transmission if you have been using them alone. However, if you shared your toys within the past 72 hours, make sure they are appropriately cleaned and wash your hands afterward as the virus may stay active of some surfaces for up to three days.

And do not clean sex toys with hand sanitizer or use hand sanitizer immediately before masturbating, because it can be very irritating to the vagina or rectum. Ouch.

Is it safe to buy new sex toys?

Judging from the state of my inbox, it appears that a lot of vibrators are on sale. Is this a good time to take advantage of a deal and the extra time on your hands?

Paying electronically is safer than an in-store purchase: Paying online means no one is physically handling a credit card or cash.

As for the delivery itself, there is lab data suggesting the new coronavirus is viable up to 24 hours on cardboard. Washing your hands after opening and throwing away the delivery box seems like an appropriate mitigation strategy. Letting that box sit for a day (if possible) before opening may be a good idea, although we don’t know how the lab data of the virus survival on surfaces translates to the real world.

Does your online purchase of a nonessential (as much as it pains me to say this, a vibrator is a “want,” not a “need”) put someone else at increased risk? Workers at large warehouses where social distancing isn’t possible may be at increased risk, especially if they don’t have sick pay, so taking time off if exposed isn’t possible.

One option is to consider a local small business that can take your payment over the phone or online and arrange a curbside pickup.

What will safe sex look like in the future?

Right now the only safe sex is no sex with partners outside your household.

If you or your HSP are at high risk, should you take extra precautions to further reduce the risk of transmission — giving up sex and kissing, sleeping in separate bedrooms — in case one of you has an asymptomatic infection? Asking your doctor for guidance here is probably wise.

But what about when we emerge from our homes again — which may be some months away — and start thinking about in-person dating, and even mating?

No one knows if we are all going to have the urge to have sex after this quasi-hibernation. One concern is a potential surge in risk-taking and S.T.I.s. in the immediate aftermath of the pandemic. (After all, you can’t assume that if someone was celibate during the pandemic they don’t have an S.T.I.; most S.T.I.s don’t cause symptoms and could have predated the new coronavirus.)

If that all sounds fairly bleak, well, it is. For now, the new coronavirus probably means less partner sex overall, whether that’s because of the lack of a household sex partner for some or a drop in desire for others. Or both.

Hopefully, though, this is just for now.

Because the more everyone commits to social distancing, the faster we can all get back — and down — to business.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The awkward intimacy of video dates, when they’re in your bedroom but you can’t touch

By Lisa Bonos

Priscilla McGregor-Kerr is about to have a first date while dressed in pajamas. On a Thursday night, the 25-year-old Londoner dabs a bit of concealer under her eyes, fills in her eyebrows and runs a mascara brush through her lashes. She’ll put on just a bit of makeup, not a full face, she decides, because her date knows she’s “not going or coming from anywhere.”

She strives for a quarantine look that says: I’m trying, but not too hard. She adjusts her bedside lamp so that there’s a nice glow and pours herself a glass of gin-infused rosé.

When her date arrives, he’s drinking the same brand of wine. They spend three hours talking about their personality types (she’s an extrovert, he’s an introvert), playing a drinking game and sharing their love of the U.S. version of “The Office.” It goes so well they decide to meet again the following week, in the same place, where they can’t touch or inadvertently spread the coronavirus: FaceTime.

Before the pandemic, online dating sites and apps were pushing for video meetups, but the medium hadn’t taken off. Now, out of necessity, video apps are becoming the hot spots for first dates, forcing daters to reinvent norms and endure an entirely new form of awkwardness and miscommunication. Is their WiFi really that spotty, or are they just not that into you?

The virtual first date keeps people distant, but it also can enable more intimacy. You can talk until your battery dies or someone falls asleep. You can see if your date keeps their room messy or makes their bed. It’s also a good match for this moment of economic uncertainty: It’s cheap and easy. You don’t need to impress your date by snagging a reservation to the trendiest restaurant in town. You don’t even need to be in the same town. You need only half an outfit.

Dating from a distance also removes the question, “Am I going home with this person?,” notes sexuality and relationship educator Logan Levkoff. “I’m hoping that this really is an opportunity for people to think [beyond] the superficial qualities we think are so important.”

Dating apps are trying to help the FaceTime-reluctant get comfortable with virtual meetups. When Hinge users open the app, a pop-up notes that 70 percent of members are “down for a digital date.” Plenty of Fish lets daters broadcast themselves to a bunch of prospects and then break off into one-on-one video chats. Match has a Dating While Distancing hotline that offers free advice. And since any new relationship would likely be “long-distance” regardless of where people are based, Tinder is making its premium Passport feature free, so users can swipe through singles anywhere in the world.

Dating from home is even being packaged as entertainment. Fans of the Netflix hit reality show “Love Is Blind” have started their own low-budget spinoffs, trying to match more Camerons with Laurens by pairing up singles and broadcasting snippets of their phone dates on social media. “Love Is Quarantine,” created by two Brooklyn roommates, is in its second go-round, which features senior daters. “DC Is Blind,” a Washington version, launched on Wednesday.

A video chat allows two people to pay attention to one another without the usual distractions at a bar or restaurant: a television blaring overhead, or a bartender who’s cuter than your date. But you’ll need some privacy. A 21-year-old man in Florida learned this the embarrassing way when his mom walked in on his R-rated Skype date Tuesday night. His digital dating tip: Put on headphones and make sure you’re in a room with a door that locks.

Even a virtual date requires some planning. Matchmaker Tammy Shaklee suggests cleaning up the corner where you’re going to Zoom or FaceTime and choosing a backdrop that represents your personality. It’s a bit like creating a good dating profile. A writer might sit in front of his bookshelf, or a musician might set up with her record collection right behind her.

Whatever you do, don’t show up in sweats, which makes you look lazy, Shaklee says. And resist the urge to Skype from bed, which feels like a hookup situation. Drink out of a nice glass, not the chipped mug from your university, Shaklee suggests. Add a spritz of perfume or cologne, even though your date can’t smell you. “You’re hosting your future partner in your space,” Shaklee says. “Light a candle, have a fragrance. If you feel it, they will be able to sense it.”

When McGregor-Kerr tweeted about how her date had sent her 15 British pounds (about $18) to buy a bottle of wine for their virtual meetup (socially distant chivalry!), 15,000 people retweeted it. For their next meetup, McGregor-Kerr says they might send each other UberEats.

But for some daters, the idea of hosting a near-stranger in their home is not pleasant — even if it’s virtual.

“I don’t live by myself. I don’t want them to see my roommates or even my room,” says Isis Parada, a 25-year-old woman in the Washington area. “It strips a level of privacy down.”

She might be okay doing a Zoom call with a fake background (you can swap in any image from your camera roll). But for now, Parada is telling her dating-app matches that they can meet up after social distancing is over.

The pandemic and its attending isolation are obvious conversation starters for a video chat, notes Logan Ury, a dating coach in San Francisco, but daters should be careful about falling back on what’s easy. She suggests transitioning from covid-19 talk into more personal topics, such as: “What are you passionate about? What’s your relationship like with your family?” That’ll also help your date feel different from your work Zoom call.

A 26-year-old woman in Washington, who spoke on the condition of anonymity for professional privacy reasons, went on two good video dates recently but wondered: Do we have anything in common, or is it just the quarantine? After a six-feet-apart second-date walk with one of those men, she determined they didn’t share much more than being two young people craving connection while cooped up in their apartments. She texted later to say she didn’t think they were a match.

Ury likens this phenomenon to traveling abroad, meeting someone from your home country — and falling for them immediately. That connection might feel strong, until you realize it was based more on circumstances than a genuine bond.

Even when a spark seems real, it’s hard to know how these budding relationships could possibly grow. Lull Mengesha, a 36-year-old man in Oakland, Calif., says he’s been getting more Tinder matches than usual, perhaps because people are stuck inside with little to do but swipe. He had a FaceTime date, which went well, but the next day she texted to say, “I think we may be in different headspaces.”

The woman was looking for a relationship, but California is a shelter-in-place state, and Mengesha doesn’t know how that would work logistically.

“Maybe before corona, I’d be looking for a relationship, but we have to understand that a lot of things are changing,” he says. “I don’t know what’s happening, and this is the time you want to attach the responsibility of another person?”

So Mengesha is looking for digital companionship only. Still, that text stung a bit. Getting rejected, he says, “hits double when it happens in the apocalypse.”

For some couples, a video screen is not enough. In February, Tracy Smith, a 40-year-old woman in Oklahoma, met a Bumble match she really liked. Once social distancing set in, they watched “Portlandia” and “Modern Love” at the same time from their separate apartments while texting each other. Eventually, Smith invited him over to her place, where she got out her tape measure and jokingly asked that he hold one end as she gave him a tour.

A few nights later, he arrived at her door again. No tape measure.

“I felt like I had to take a risk and let him into my personal space during isolation in order to see if this could work,” Smith says.

He walked over and kissed her.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Kink Is More Popular Than You Think

Your kink might be more common than you think.

“It’s incredible to see how people open up to me,” says Stavroula Toska. She loves the look of relief on their faces when they realize they can talk to her and she won’t judge them. About their fetishes.

Toska’s a writer, director and actor who began working as a dominatrix while researching her 2018 TV series Switch. She’s trained couples and individuals, letting them talk about their fantasies and try what was on their minds. Couples who wanted the same things but didn’t know where to start or how to get past their own inhibitions could turn to her for guidance, learning how to submit when they wanted to and call the shots when they wanted to.

That kind of help might be made to order for a larger proportion of the population than you think. According to a study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine …

The 2017 survey drew data from more than 8,000 Belgians asked about their level of interest in hitting or being hit with a whip, sexual uses of hot candle wax, controlling their partner’s breathing and playacting rape, among other things. Though only 7.6 percent said they considered themselves to be “BDSM practitioners,” 12.5 percent said they performed such activities on a regular basis, 46.8 percent had engaged in BDSM at some point and an additional 22 percent had fantasized about it. To put it another way: Fewer than 1 in 3 people aren’t into this.

“Many of the things that we’ve long considered to be paraphilic are actually pretty common sexual interests,” says Dr. Justin Lehmiller, author of Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. One reason such activities have been classified as rare or strange, he theorizes, is that psychologists and psychiatrists just thought they sounded unusual. “Once we started to really systematically explore them, we found that a lot of these are quite common,” he says.  

Paraphilic sexual interests are defined as unusual or anomalous and include not just sadism and masochism but voyeurism and fetishes. While kink has been increasingly normalized — Fifty Shades of Grey, of course, but also more recent cultural artifacts like Netflix’s 2019 show Bonding — it’s only been seven years since the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual used by American doctors reclassified BDSM behavior as no longer a mental illness requiring treatment. For example, according to Gabbard’s Treatments of Psychiatric Disorders, Fifth Edition, if a sadist were aroused by fantasies or acts involving nonconsensual behaviors, clinicians were advised to prescribe antiandrogens — drugs that block the hormones that regulate the development of sex. Now, those into sexual sadism and masochism can still be considered as requiring treatment, but only if the practice causes distress to the person or others around them.

But engaging in kink can actually have a positive effect on health. A 2013 evaluation of psychological characteristics of people practicing BDSM found that they were less neurotic, more open and extroverted and less rejection-sensitive than the general population.

Still, the culture by and large remains underground in the form of secret societies, invite-only parties and online chats. Perhaps that secrecy just makes it more titillating, though. Mainstream guides like Time Out have even featured recommendations of best sex dungeons in some cities.

For first timers, though, that may not be the best option. Toska advises those who are interested in exploring their kinky side to find another consenting adult who will understand what it is they’re looking for and who agrees to explore responsibly. For those in a relationship, she says, it’s a good idea to speak with their partner about maintaining an open mind. “I’d also inform them that they are not alone,” she says. “There are thousands, possibly millions, of people around the world who share the same interest.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Goal-Oriented Sex Could Be Ruining Your Intimate Life

By Vanessa Powell

While many women understand that overall pleasure, exploration, intimacy, and play should all be at center stage in a sexual experience, and not simply an orgasm (although, let’s be clear, it is still an important component), the latter often eclipses all else — which is why and how things can often go south. In fact, sex experts agree that goal-oriented sex can actually take the fun out of it for women altogether.

Thanks to social movements like The Cliteracy Project, an art series with the mission of educating a largely “il-cliterate” culture, women are more open to talking about their sexual experiences, preferences, and struggles than ever before. One of the major focal points of female sexuality to emerge in recent years involves the very real orgasm gap between men and women and the root of its existence. According to a 2016 study from the Archives of Sexual Behavior that looked at more than 52,500 adults in the U.S. — including those who are lesbian, gay, and bisexual — 95 percent of heterosexual men reported they usually or always orgasmed during sex, compared to just 65 percent of heterosexual women.

So, why are people creating a goal around something that should just have to do with mutual pleasure? Well, much of it can be traced back to a more archaic view of male and female sexuality — and orgasms in general. “Because the male orgasm is crucial to procreate, our society has built this idea that the male orgasm is crucial for sex; that sex begins with a hard penis and ends with a flaccid penis. Since women don’t have to orgasm to create life, it took a different level of societal importance,” says Shan Boodram, certified intimacy educator to The Zoe Report. “With that said, the majority of sex today has nothing to do with the desire to procreate. In fact, the orgasm numbers for women skyrocket in same-sex partnerships compared to heterosexual relationships. When you are with a same-sex partner, there is nothing to prove — it’s just about what feels good, and that is when naturally more orgasms and more pleasure occurs.”

Moral of the story here? Sex should be about being in the moment, true intimacy, and enjoying one another. It’s not a race to the finish line. “If you look at sex like, how good can I feel for as long as I want to feel it and for as long as my partner wants to feel it, great,” says Boodram. “And if an orgasm is the final result, even better. But if it’s just that you got more play time and felt great and relaxed, it’s still a successful sexual experience.”

Why Goal-Oriented Sex Is Sabotaging Your Intimate Life

Ashley Manta, sex and relationship coach and creator of lifestyle brand CannaSexual, seconds this notion. “Goal-oriented sex often robs the participants of the pleasure and joy of the experience,” says Manta. “Often the pressure to be demonstrative while receiving pleasure and to reach an arbitrary goal, in this case the orgasm… keeps them fixated on a point in the future.” Like anything in life, if you take yourself out of the present moment, it becomes difficult to enjoy.

Again, to be clear, orgasms are absolutely important and should be enjoyed by all, however, according to Sensual Embodiment Coach and Priestess of Passion, Ani Ferlise, “our attachment to the orgasm is ignoring all the amazing, healing, and nourishing pleasurable experiences in our bodies! We as a society are addicted to this very specific kind of pleasure based off of a male-bodied orgasm — a buildup of sensation, then a release. It’s the false promises that movies and porn portray. It’s two minutes of extreme penetration and there are fireworks… probably not going to happen.”

When one can detach themselves from the notion that climaxing makes the overall sexual experience a success, one can then truly become sexually free. Redefining what the orgasm is for you can actually help you relax more easily into one.

How To Be More Mindful With Your Sex Life

Ferlise holds Sex Magic coaching programs and workshops to help women cultivate their sacred sexual energy which, in turn, become a microcosm to nurturing passion, vibrancy, and connection in their overall life. One thing prevalent in her teachings is mindfulness, which is about remaining present in the moment and being aware of one’s bodily sensations. Intimacy starts with eye contact and can trickle into a conversation, a physical touch, or an energy exchange, even before any clothes are taken off. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and to feel the desire, lust, and emotions as they come can help redefine the orgasm.

“Letting yourself sink into all the subtle sensations of pleasure, really leaning into it and feeling it in your body, and taking the same stock in that, can help you come back into your body and turn up the pleasure all over,” Ferlise says. When one is hyper focused on outside factors, they can train themselves to disassociate during sex, pushing their minds away from sensation, which ultimately decreases the amount one is able to feel.

Top Sex Tips For Ultimate Pleasure

Teach Your Partner What You Like

Manta tells her clients to “relax and breathe… and focus on what brings you the most pleasure, instead of what you think is going to get you off. Mimic the things you do when you’re masturbating and show your partner how you enjoy being touched.” Exploring self-pleasure is a great place to start in knowing what you like and dislike. Intimacy is uniquely personal — everyone’s body and interests are different, and we should communicate that to our partner or partners.

Get Out Of Your Head

One major complaint Ferlise says many women have during sex is that they think too much about how they look, how their partner feels, and how they are performing. “Adding all the body shame, the fear of being seen, and the fear of vulnerability, the fear of being broken because you think you can’t orgasm, the shame of not performing right — that so many women experience — it leads to a disconnect in your body and can cause you to check out during sex,” Ferlise says. Evidently, your partner will be much more turned on and notice the level of intimacy if you can truly unwind by letting go of these inhibitions.

Accessorize Your Sex Life

Adding tools into the mix can help build confidence in the bedroom. If you don’t feel completely comfortable being naked, try wearing sexy lingerie you feel great in. If you find yourself worried about lubrication and all that comes with it, try enlisting lube or organic coconut oil on your vulva to help ease your mind.

Get Moving

Movement is a helpful tool to be more present. “Move your body sensually in whatever way feels good,” says Ferlise. “Start to breathe into yourself deeply and focus your mind on your [vagina] and allow yourself to make some noise. As you exhale, you can moan and release sound. Your throat and your jaw are directly related to your pelvic bowl, and if they are tight and closed, so is your pelvic bowl.”

How To Embrace The Sex Life That Works For You

Women have an incredibly powerful sexual energy with great orgasmic potential. But this expands far beyond society’s picture of the “Big O.” Not only has culture suppressed the conversation and education around sex but it has put the female orgasm into a tiny box when it deserves so much more than a toe curl and high-pitched moan.

Everyone has the right to feel comfortable and unapologetic in their sexuality, whether that be via BDSM or missionary style twice a week. Closing the pleasure gap starts with experiencing and experimenting what works for you and letting go of the goal-oriented mindset. Don’t negate the importance of orgasms, but rather shift your mind to focus on how to achieve more overall pleasure. You deserve to feel safe and free in your body, as you are, at its highest potential.

Below are some products that help enhance sexual pleasure and health for people with vulvas. A happier healthier sex life should be on the top of everyone’s to-do list.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Can you have sex during the coronavirus pandemic?

We explain the risks and how to stay safe

Online searches related to the rules around sexual intercourse during Covid-19 are rising – so here’s what you need to know

By

The Prime Minister has been very clear, there are now only four acceptable reasons for leaving the house: shopping for basic necessities, taking one form of exercise per day, medical needs, or travelling to work if you’re a key worker. “A booty call with that guy you dated for three months last year” is very much not on the list. Nor is “a nightly visit to the nearby flat of the girlfriend you’re not ready to cohabitate with yet”. And don’t even think about going on a date, unless it’s virtual.

For some, it’s the element of this lockdown business which is proving the hardest to accept. In fact there are almost as many Google searches at the moment for “can I have sex during coronavirus” as there are for advice on the lockdown.

It might seem callous to be concerned for your sex life in the midst of a pandemic. But if isolation has taught us anything so far, it’s that it is entirely possible to be in a constant state of panic for your loved ones’ safety, while simultaneously feeling furious about the loss of more frivolous things like the freedom to go on a date.

If you’re not already living with your other half, the chances are you are staring down the barrel of a sexless few months (unless you’re planning on forging a new and exciting relationship with your housemate, in which case good luck to you). As for those already shacked up with someone, well, at least you can have some fun while in lockdown.

Or can you? If that Google search traffic is anything to go by, there seems to be some not inconsiderable confusion about whether or not you should be having sex during coronavirus, especially if one of you has symptoms.

To date, the government has disseminated no official guidelines about sex – but it has broached the subject of relationships more broadly. Yesterday, Dr Jenny Harries said in a Downing Street press conference that now is a good time for fledgling couples to “test” a relationship by moving in together (a risky game indeed). Government advice also stipulates that any contact with people not living in the same household should be conducted while keeping at least two metres apart, and that includes “non-cohabiting partners”, who could pass on the deadly virus if they continued to visit each other.

If you can maintain a sex life at two metres distance, then good luck to you. Maybe we’ll be buying your book when this is over.

In the meantime, here’s everything you need to know about how coronavirus is going to affect your sex life.

Can you have sex during the coronavirus outbreak?

In general, a couple living together can have sex if they both feel healthy, are not in an at-risk group, and have not come into contact with anyone with symptoms.

If you are in a group at high risk of becoming seriously unwell, the advice is different. If you live with your partner, have been self-isolating for two weeks or more, and neither of you are exhibiting symptoms or have come into contact with anyone who is, then go for it. But only under these conditions.

Professor Claudia Estcourt, an expert from the British Association for Sexual Health and HIV, says: “It is safe for people in a household which has been self-isolating for over 14 days to have sex. But remember that every time someone goes out of their household that person has the potential to acquire the virus. You will need to keep resetting the 14 day clock if one of you is in contact with someone with coronavirus or develops symptoms.”

If you are considering meeting up with someone to have sex, don’t. It’s against the stipulations of the lockdown. As Prof. Estcourt says: “To comply with the government advice to prevent transmission, it’s really important that the only people you have sex with are those who live within your household. You should not be having sex if so doing means you have to breach government guidance not to mix households.”

Can you have sex if one of you has coronavirus or has come into contact with someone who has?

If you or your partner is exhibiting symptoms, then the chances are sex is going to be the last thing on your mind. A fever and dry cough aren’t exactly aphrodisiacs.

If you, someone you live with, or someone you’ve had sex with recently has had symptoms of Covid-19 then you should self-isolate for 14 days to prevent further transmissions. This means no physical contact, which obviously includes sex.  

Prof. Estcourt says: “We know that Covid-19 is transmitted most easily between household contacts. Transmission is via droplet spread and surfaces which have been contaminated.

“The chances are that if you’re in the same household you are probably way more likely to acquire Covid-19 through usual household activities than through sex, because day-to-day contact is happening all the time.

“However, it would be fair to assume mouth kissing confers a high risk of transmission. And if someone is self-isolating because they are either exhibiting symptoms or have potentially been exposed to the virus, then they shouldn’t be having sex during the isolation period at all.”

Is Covid-19 sexually transmissible?

The virus is primarily spread through respiratory droplets. So while there is no evidence that it can be transmitted through genital secretions, it could be spread through saliva, so if either you or your partner are exhibiting symptoms or have come into contact with someone who is, then don’t have sex.

Dr Carlos E. Rodríguez-Díaz, associate professor of prevention and community health at George Washington University, told The Telegraph: “There is no evidence that Covid-19 can be transmitted via sexual intercourse; either vaginal or anal.

“However, kissing is a very common practice during sex, and the virus can be transmitted via saliva. Therefore, the virus can be transmitted by kissing.”

How can I have sex while self-isolating alone?

The short answer is no. The government has put us on lockdown to stop the spread of this deadly virus. And clearly that takes precedence over your sex life.

But all is not lost – the internet affords us plenty of ways to satisfy our needs from a safe distance. The dating app Hinge is encouraging users to enjoy its video chat mode, where you can have a virtual date rather than meeting in person. Make a connection and start exploring the possibilities of virtual sex. Sexting, erotic video calls and voice notes – a brave new world of virtual pleasure awaits.

And remember: keep your sex toys as clean as your hands and surfaces, using soap and water. Whether or not you choose to sing two rounds of happy birthday while you do so is entirely up to you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Here’s Why Most Women Are Unhappy With Their Sex Lives

By

Sex is good for longevity… right? If one of your resolutions for this year was to improve your sex life, we’d understand. While there are benefits that have been linked to healthy sex life, not everyone seems to be reaping these benefits – and not without a lack of trying.

In fact, a new Australian study has suggested that many women are quite dissatisfied with their bedroom activity (previous research has suggested that women may only orgasm 50% of the time during intercourse when compared to men’s 90% ). According to the researchers of this particular study, half of young Australian women experience sexually-related personal distress. In fact, one in five women has at least one female sexual dysfunction (FSD).

The study on sexual satisfaction

Funded by the Grollo Ruzzene Foundation, a study by the Women’s Health Research Program at Monash University recruited 6986 women aged 18-39 years, living in Victoria, New South Wales, and Queensland.

For the study, the women were each asked to complete a questionnaire that assessed their sexual wellbeing in terms of desire, arousal, responsiveness, orgasm, and self-image. The women also shared whether they had sexually-associated personal distress, and also provided extensive demographic information.

The results

The results, published in the journal Fertility and Sterility, revealed that 50.2% of young Australian women experienced some form of sexually-related personal distress.

Of these women, nearly 29.6% didn’t actually have a ‘dysfunction’, per se. Instead, their distress was often a result of feelings of guilt, embarrassment, stress, or general unhappiness with regard to their sex lives.

On the other hand, 20.6% had at least one female sexual dysfunction (FSD). The most common FSD was a low sexual self-image, which caused distress for 11% of the women. Common factors associated with low sexual self-image included being overweight or obese, living with a partner, and breastfeeding.

Additionally, arousal dysfunction, desire dysfunction, and orgasm dysfunction and responsiveness dysfunction affected 9%, 8%, 7.9% and 3.4% of the study cohort respectively.

Also, the study also revealed that 20% of the surveyed women were taking psychotropic medication (such as antidepressants). This appeared to have the most widespread impact on women’s sexual function. It should be noted that the use of the combined oral contraceptive pill was not associated with any sexual dysfunction.

Lastly, women who routinely monitored their appearance, and who determined their level of physical self-worth on said appearance, reported being less sexually assertive. They also revealed that they were more self-conscious during sex. Additionally, they also experienced lower sexual satisfaction.

Addressing dissatisfaction during sex

According to senior author and Professor of Women’s Health at Monash University, Susan Davis, if left untreated, sexually-related personal distress and FSD may impact relationships. They may even affect their overall quality of life. That said, there may be a few ways to address the concerns raised by the survey findings. Granted, serious sexual disorders may require intervention from a sex therapist, but there may be other ways to address some of the issues highlighted in the findings.

Low self-image

If you’re battling with low sexual self-esteem, there are a few ways to which you can improve it. These include;

  • Build inner confidence outside the bedroom. Try limiting the amount of time you spend on social media. You should also try regularly affirming yourself.
  • Try self-pleasure. This can allow you to better tap into your sexuality, and better confirm what you like – and don’t like.
  • Don’t shy away from communicating with your partner, and feel free to share your desires, fears as well as suggestions.
  • That said, the aforementioned tips may also help to address the other issues affecting a woman’s satisfaction with her sex life, particularly the feelings of guilt, embarrassment, stress, or general unhappiness.

In fact, if you’re looking to improve your sex life, there are other ways to do so. These include taking up yoga, eating certain foods to boost your libidos and even adapting your favorite positions.

Once again, you should consult a sex therapist if you believe that you are battling a sexual disorder.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Spicing things up in the bedroom during social distancing

By Almara Abgarian

It’s going to be a quiet Friday night. The coronavirus lockdown has officially begun, pubs, restaurants, gyms and other public spaces have to close up shop for the forseeable future.

So, what can you spend the rest of the weekend doing?

You already know what we’re going to say, but let’s say it anyway: having sex.

If you’re self-isolating with someone else, this is prime opportunity to jump each other’s bones and give yourselves a nice hit of dopamine and endorphins (the ‘happy hormones’) at the same time.

But the lockdown could, unfortunately, go on for quite a while.

So, to keep your sex life from becoming stale, we ask sex experts to share their top tips for how to keep things spicy in the bedroom.

Think outside the box (bedroom)

‘Don’t restrict yourself to the bed, be creative in your space,’ says Asa Baav, sex expert and founder of Tailor Matched.

‘Think up against the wall, up against a mirror, the shower, kitchen tops and for those of you who want to be more risqué, use your balcony [with caution] or up against the window.’

Just, you know, not outside.

Mutual masturbation

Interestingly, mutual masturbation has been predicted to be one of the big sexual trends to define the next generation (and apparently, soon to beat out penetrative sex).

Asa says: ‘Masturbating with a partner helps you learn about each other’s bodies and a great way to show them exactly how they like to be stroked.’

An added bonus to mutual masturbation is that you’re effectively teasing each other, which could add to the eventual climax.

Want to take it up a notch? Masturbate in turns, and watch each other as you do.

Don’t have sex

Let us, or rather, Lelo’s sex expert Kate Moyles, explain.

‘Take the time to explore a different area of self-development, for example sex and sexuality,’ she tell us.

‘The common misunderstanding is that changing your sex life all has to happen in the bedroom or with a partner.

‘But exploring new podcasts, Ted Talks, books, online courses and workbooks can really help you to expand your thinking and open up your perspective and learning when it comes to sex.’

Indulge in sensory play

Asa says: ‘Use hot and cold play, think ice cubes and wax candles and massage oil.

‘Play with the sensation of soft and rough textures to entice your senses.’

If you didn’t happen to pick up any oils or sensory lubes during the stockpiling shop, don’t worry.

Firstly, sex toy sites still deliver – but more importantly, you can find items in your home. Think feathers (from a pillow, perhaps), the aforementioned ice cubes or just run your tongue up and down your partner’s body.

You can also blindfold them to heighten other senses and venture into BDSM, if you fancy it (spanking).

‘Indulge in a bit of light bondage (tying your partner’s hands or legs),’ says Duchess Iphie, a relationship, sex and intimacy coach, and the founder of Duchess Secrets.

‘This is about power and as long as there is consent and a safe word, you can have fun letting your partner have full control of your arousal, desires and orgasms.’

Get the toys out

Do you have a vibrator at home? Get it out during sex and crank up the heat.

‘If you have toys with apps that you can choose vibrations – get your partner to be in a separate room and try different vibrations and intensities from “afar”- give them the control,’ says Dominnique Karetsos, founder of The Intimology Institute, the school for sexual wellness.

‘Like the game Marco Polo – only you know you’re closer by the sound of moans of ecstasy.’

Try a new sex position

Duchess also shares some new positions for couples try, such as:

  • The sea turtle: One person curls their legs up and the other enters from a kneeling position (penis or strap-on required). Use a pillow to raise the recipient’s lower back, so their partner can stroke their body at the same time.
  • The upside-down cake: It’s super-easy. Just find a stable surface, like a table, where one person lies down flat on their back on something that supports their weight, while the other person, er, thrusts.
  • The ease-in: Lay on your back comfortably while the other person eases in backwards. Couples can enjoy varying the angle of penetration to stimulate different sensations, or throw in a toy for some extra vibrations.

Give your partner an intimate massage

Now that you have more time on your hands, why not use them? (The hands, that is).

Think beyond genitals to other erogenous zones such as ear lobes, the small of the back, the inner wrist, the armpits and behind the knee. Run your fingers down your partner’s body and see which touches, and which areas, make their body react.

‘Massage of feet, scratch their back and don’t forget to stroke the whole body as a way of finding each other’s erogenous zones,’ says Asa.

Don’t have any massage oil? Try olive oil – it’s great for the skin (but beware, it might stain your sheets).

Embrace the dirty talk

If you’ve always dreamed of someone putting you across their lap and spanking you, trying a new sexual position or engaging in some role play, maybe the first step would be to talk to your partner about your fantasies.

Asa says: ‘A helpful way to start a conversation about your turn-ons, fantasies, and boundaries, is making a “yes/no/maybe” list with your partner for the night event, what do feel like today?

‘Write down any sexual acts that come to mind, and then both you and your partner take turns marking each as a yes, no, or maybe.

‘This can be a sexy and fun way to get to know each other better and explore things you may not have considered before.’

Single? Keep your eye out for our sexy guide to self-isolating solo.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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It’s Time to Rediscover the Lost Art of Phone Sex

The case for revisiting an old, but not obsolete, form of long-distance sex

Contrary to popular belief, video didn’t kill the phone sex star.

By Kayla Kibbe

These are deeply unhorny times.

While a slim window of romanticized pre-quarantine panic may have briefly ignited a period of chaotic sexual energy last week, which ultimately just left some of us in quarantine with UTIs, the subsequent dread, isolation and terror that have followed haven’t exactly been a turn on.

Nevertheless, humans have been fucking since the dawn of mankind and have since managed to screw through many a global crisis. Whether out of boredom, desperation for social contact or the ultimately irrepressible powers of human horniness, perhaps the only thing safe to assume in these uncertain times is that people will go on fucking.

In such a crisis where social distancing and self-isolation are the name of the survival game, however, a behavior as physically intimate as sexual intercourse presents some obvious challenges. While many couples who aren’t lucky enough to be quarantined inside together with nothing to do but each other have turned to modern innovations like FaceTime and Skype sex in order to keep their sex lives afloat, might I suggest another alternative?

Folks, if ever there was a time to rediscover the lost art of phone sex, it’s now.

In an era of sexting, video sex and bluetooth-enabled sex toys that allow long distance partners to digitally get each other off from across the globe, phone sex may seem like a dated relic of a bygone era of sexuality. But while phone sex may be an earlier predecessor to today’s forms of technology-enabled long distance sex, it’s not an obsolete model. A longstanding art form that still possesses unique features its more modern successors can’t replicate, phone sex is the vinyl of remote sex, not the cassette tape.

In fact, a large part of the appeal of phone sex can actually be found in its classic, old-school aesthetic. Just as corset lingerie with a garter belt and stockings calls back to old-fashioned styles in women’s clothing, phone sex recalls an older era (albeit a more recent one than that of corsets and garter belts) of technology and sexuality. There is an inherent sexiness in escapism, and even subtle callbacks to an earlier time can function as a kind of roleplay that has a way of imbuing the old-fashioned and obsolete with a suddenly sexy novelty.

Beyond the sexy old-school vibes, however, phone sex actually has some benefits unmatched by its video or text-based successors. As Jess O’Reilly, PhD., host of the @SexWithDrJess Podcast, tells InsideHook, phone sex eliminates the potentially overstimulating effects of video sex, allowing partners to focus solely on auditory arousal.

“Audio-only sex leaves more to the imagination, and many people are primarily aroused by sounds — from the sound of a lover’s voice to the sound of movement and rustling in the sheets,” she explains. “Sometimes talking on the phone will encourage you to open up in new ways, as you won’t be distracted by your partner’s body language or facial expressions.”

While it’s easy for auditory sensation to become eclipsed by other forms of stimulation during in-person or video sex, phone sex highlights the value of auditory pleasure, something O’Reilly and co-author Marla Renee Stewart explore in their forthcoming book, The Ultimate Guide to Seduction & Foreplay.

“Research suggests that the sound of a lover’s voice can be a turn-on resulting in increased electrical activity in the skin,” O’Reilly and Stewart write in the new book. “Our voices may even indicate fertility due to hormonal fluctuations that effect blood flow and water retention in the vocal chords.”

In other words, if you’re not already talking in bed, it’s definitely something to consider, and phone sex is a great place to start.

As O’Reilly tells InsideHook, phone sex can be less intimidating for beginners who are shy about being vocal in bed. Meanwhile, the distance of phone sex can also make people more comfortable opening up about their desires and fantasies.

“Some people find that they’re willing to explore fantasies over the phone that they won’t disclose in person, as there is less pressure to act on them due to the limits of a phone call,” she explains. “The distance of phone sex can attenuate feelings of undue pressure.”

And while the phone-shy may be more willing to turn to sexting, it can be difficult to focus on a sexting session, and even more difficult to maintain your partners’ full attention — which I say as someone who has casually replied to sexts at work, on the subway, while watching Netflix, eating cereal out of the box with my bare hands like an animal, etc. etc.

Speaking of hands, sexting doesn’t leave them as readily available to do the kinds of things that typically accompany phone sex — although, as O’Reilly notes, they don’t necessarily have to. “You might decide to touch yourselves while you’re on the call or you might simply get one another riled up and then hang up so that you have two hands to finish yourselves off,” she says, adding that the most important thing is not to “get hung up on one type of sex, as phone sex can take many forms.”

These diverse forms, O’Reilly suggests, may include a spontaneous phone call that turns horny, a scheduled one with specific rules that you change from session to session, bathtime phone sex, phone sex that turns into video sex, phone sex that includes exchanging sexy pictures, etc. etc.

Mix it up! For those of us in self-quarantine without our partners/fuckbuddies/roomates we definitely shouldn’t hook up with but might anyway, we may have many a sexless day ahead. Fortunately, we do have a wide range of remote-sex-enabled technology at our fingertips, and at least phone sex will never give you a UTI.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why social distancing is making me horny

By Tracey Anne Duncan

I am social distancing. That means no bars, no clubs, no yoga classes, and three feet of distance outdoors. Most importantly, to me, it means that I have no place to flirt and no outlets for my sexual impulses. Sure, COVID is changing the way we date, but it’s not changing biology. Being self quarantined is not, in fact, straining my libido in the slightest. For me, the combination of isolation and anxiety is making me hornier than ever. I talked to my favorite sex therapist to find out why.

“Physiologically speaking, our bodies do a lot of things without our awareness,” says Dulcinea Pitagora, a New York City-based psychologist and sex researcher. “The brain wants oxytocin. This is always true, but when we are feeling vulnerable, we are more susceptible to what our body is craving. For some people that craving is expressed as horniness.”

Part of what’s happening, then, is that my body and brain are hungry for the feel good chemicals that are released during physical contact, and I am more aware of this hunger, or horniness, because I am feeling vulnerable and also because I am alone and am, generally, less distracted by external things and more focused on my internal experience.

Something else that may play into pandemic thirst is the cultural sense that maybe we shouldn’t be feeling sexy right now. Some people have the attitude that the world is on fire, how could anyone possibly want to have sex, but it’s exactly that attitude that makes some people feel horny. “Sexuality is natural and normal,” Pitagora says. “The more we try to push it down, the more it intensifies. When we see sex as a way of acting out, it doesn’t necessarily make us want it less.”

The sense that maybe we shouldn’t want sex right now combined with feelings of vulnerability is a great cocktail for creating horniness. “That’s not true for everyone,” Pitagora notes. But it might feel more intense for people who strongly identify with being sexual (it me). “When you add that identity component, that makes the experience feel more urgent because it feels like your identity is at stake,” Pitagora explains.

The sense of urgency that accompanies horniness, like so many other kinds of panic we are experiencing right now, is not that helpful. It’s also not reality-based. “Some part of our brains thinks that we’re never going to have sex again,” Pitagora tells me. “We need to slow our brains down and remember that this is temporary.” Having a horny sense of urgency may feel exciting, but Pitagora tells me it can be dangerous if we don’t second guess our impulses. “We can be very good at rationalizing risky behavior when we’re horny,” Pitagora says, and adds, “If you are a person that likes and cares about sex, you are probably going to have sex again.” Praise Beetlejuice.

So what should thirsty folks stuck home alone do? Porn and masturbation are not really cutting it. “I think it’s important to remind people that it’s okay to be horny and masturbate,” Pitagora says. “There are people out there who feel like they shouldn’t feel sexual at all right now.”

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but repressing your healthy sexual urges is not going to help us beat coronavirus. Please masturbate. Try video sex. It may not work for everyone, but if it doesn’t make you feel icky, Pitagora says, it might help.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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An expert guide to love and sex during a pandemic

We are all in long-distance relationships now.

How to catch feelings, but not coronavirus.

By Sara Kiley Watson

Self-quarantine as a single person or a person who lives far from their significant other can be pretty lonely, especially while other folks spend their work-from-home hours snuggled up with the person they love.

Still, it can be unnerving to be so close to someone who might’ve bumped into COVID-19 in the outside world. Considering it takes at least five days for the virus’s symptoms to show up, it’s tough to know if your spooning partner is infected, or if you could be putting them at risk.

Before give up on love or start wearing a hazmat suit whenever you crawl in bed, it’s good to know the basics about love in a time of coronavirus. We asked sexual health expert Carlos Rodriguez-Diaz of George Washington University for advice on how to keep your relationship alive in the middle of an epidemic.

Is COVID-19 sexually transmitted?

Nope, or at least it hasn’t proven to be during the virus’s reproductive stage, says Rodriguez-Diaz. But you can definitely carry it through another way of expressing intimacy that goes right along with having any sort of sex: kissing.

We already know that the coronavirus can be passed between people by coughing. That’s why it’s so important to cover your mouth and wipe down surfaces that might come into contact with saliva. But when it comes to kissing, there’s no avoiding spit, which means if you’re making out with an infected person, you’re putting yourself at risk.

Not to mention, COVID-19 can be spread via the fecal-oral route, so depending on what tickles your sexual fancy, you might want to be extra, extra careful.

What about snuggling?

If you spend each night cuddling your significant other, lucky you. If your partner lives with you or spends a lot of time with you, the reality is that you probably share a similar risk of catching COVID-19, Rodriguez-Diaz says. After all, no matter what you do all day, you both come home and interact closely, whether that’s making dinner together or just chilling on the same couch.

Social distancing calls for staying around six feet away from people. But just because there’s an outbreak doesn’t mean you need to walk around with a pole protecting you from your favorite person.

“It’s not the time to stop cuddling,” Rodriguez-Diaz says. Right now, people are stressed and anxious, and those feelings might only get worse if you close yourself off to interaction with your significant other. Just be conscious that you’re both being hygienic. Wash your hands regularly and keep your living space (and any sex toys) clean.

If your partner gets sick, you should stay home, too. Staying in to care for them will also protect the people you’d interact with outside your home.

What should I do if I’m in a long-distance relationship?

Though flights to most any state and country are cheap as heck right now, you shouldn’t hop on a plane and surprise your partner. Traveling implies bumping into and interacting with loads of other people, Rodriguez-Diaz says, and a lot of time that could be in close quarters.

For the safety of your loved ones, all the people around you, and yourself, you should seriously consider staying put. This is especially true if you or your significant other are older or immunocompromised. As much as it sucks to stay alone all day, it is way worse to unknowingly bring the epidemic with you to another corner of the world.

As all you long-distance-relationship folks already know, in-person sex isn’t the only way to get intimate with your partner. Sexting or video-chatting are practices that are still erotic, Rodriguez-Diaz says, but don’t involve touching at all. Nowadays, there are literally ways to send your partner a mold of your own genitals, so if anything, quarantine is an excuse to get creative.

“I would advise people who are in long-distance relationships to use technology to their advantage,” Rodriguez-Diaz says. “Soon after we have a better understanding of the virus and the epidemic is under control, take a trip together somewhere else.”

Should I stop trying to meet new people?

This one is for all you single powerhouses: you don’t necessarily have to delete all of your dating apps right away. However, it’s wise to take a moment and skip the dinner and movie plans while COVID-19 testing in the US is still a mystery.

“It’s not the ideal conditions to meet new people, or go to public spaces,” Rodriguez-Diaz says.

This doesn’t mean you should meet all your internet crushes in secluded locations (please, don’t do that for obvious reasons). But it also doesn’t mean you need to shut yourself off from the world of dating just because you’re avoiding leaving the home.

When it comes to casual dating, you could always take a page out of the long-distance-relationship book. Whether it’s someone you’ve recently met, or have been dating casually and lives a few neighborhoods away, now could be the time to test out sexting or other not-so-touchy-feely ways of getting to know a possible partner.

“With the proper safety measures in place, that can be very good for relationships,” Rodriguez-Diaz says. “Perhaps this experience is giving us the opportunity to experience other things.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Couples Who Communicate Have The Best Sex Ever

By Leigh Norén

Want a hotter sex life? Communication is better than any new sex toy or position.

A good sex life is usually equated with exciting positions, new places and sex toys galore (at least if we’re to believe pop culture’s take on it!). But the secret to a great sex life in a healthy relationship is actually … communication!

Couples in relationships may think that the best sex ever boils down to how they have sex and incorporating new toys or unique positions. But better sex doesn’t come just from sexual technique and performance. Although these things are important — they’re not the only way to make your love life better.

Believe it or not, communication in your relationship is actually one of the most effective ways of turning your sex life from mundane to wonderful. It’s not only crucial to be able to talk about sex, it’s also important to cultivate healthy communication in your relationship on a daily basis.

Here are 3 ways improved communication can have a lasting positive effect on your sex life.

1. With better communication comes increased closeness.

… And increased closeness leads to better sex. For some, sex is a way of getting closer to your partner. This, in turn, strengthens your bond and makes it easier for you to communicate about other things in life.

For others, an emotional connection is needed for sexual desire to be sparked. This means you may need to feel intimate on other levels to fully engage in sex.

You can create emotional intimacy through effective communication.

One way of creating emotional intimacy is strengthening your communication skills. Communication is usually thought of as merely talking, but it actually encompasses a whole range of behaviors. For example:

  • Physically touching your partner is a way of letting them know you’re there for them or showing them what you need
  • Sighs or other sounds let your partner know how you’re feeling without actually using words
  • Texting, emailing, and talking are all ways of engaging with your partner and showing interest in them

Healthy communication is all about listening, validating, and responding to your partner.

When you get the hang of it, you’re likely to feel closer to your partner throughout the day, even if you have little time or your children are screaming bloody murder in the next room.

When this sense of emotional intimacy is felt, it increases the chances of you and your partner feeling like you can let your guard down during sex, release inhibitions, and be who you truly are, sexually.

Sex can be a vulnerable experience.

Oftentimes, sex is equated with shame. This is because of societal norms that dictate what you should and shouldn’t get off to, who is worthy of sexual fulfillment and who isn’t, or ideas about sex being a dirty, shameful act.

When you feel closer to your partner and can let go during sex, feelings of shame or guilt subside easily.

Greater intimacy on a day-to-day basis can also enable communication during sex to flow with greater ease. And showing who you really are between the sheets makes for better sex for both of you.

RELATED: 3 Things Women Can Do To Spice Up Sex With Their Husbands

2. Communicating about sex leads to better sex.

When you’ve got the hang of communication in your relationship, the skill tends to spill over into other areas of life, such as your sex life.

Being able to listen to your partner’s sexual needs and wants while also communicating your own is one of the best ways to create a sex life you both enjoy.

Most couples struggle to talk about sex.

The subject of sex can make some couples feel a little unsettled. Addressing sexual communication is important in healthy relationships — no matter the problem you want help with.

Sexual communication can feel like an intimidating task and bring up all sorts of ideas in your head about having to “talk dirty” or be incredibly vocal during sex. Even if these are two things that definitely can bring some spark into the bedroom, communication about sex is so much more than this.

What does communicating about sex with your partner look like?

It’s about communicating before, during, and after sex. It’s about telling your partner what you like and what you dislike (in a nice way, of course!). It’s about taking an interest in what your partner desires and validating their wants, even if you don’t share them.

The benefits of free-flowing sexual communication.

When you know more about each other’s sexuality and feel more relaxed discussing sex, it usually leads to a more satisfying sex life. No longer will you have to wonder whether your spouse really enjoys what you’re doing, or if another technique would be preferable.

And gone are the days when sex always has to adhere to a certain pattern.

Communication enables experimentation which can be a great way of regaining your libido and strengthening your bond as a couple.

3. Effective communication makes it easier to respect each other’s boundaries and sexual differences, allowing you to have more satisfying sex.

Communication in your relationship isn’t only important for increasing a general sense of intimacy and voicing your sexual preferences — it’s also key to talking about boundaries and differences.

For example: Without letting your partner know why emotional intimacy needs to precede sexual intimacy for you to get in the mood, sex can become a difficult part of your relationship.

Only through communication can your partner know what you need and help you along the way. The same goes for respecting sexual differences in your relationships.

Mismatched libidos and differing preferences for sexual activities are more common than uncommon. This means you need to find ways of talking about your differences, in order for you to work around them and accept them.

If your partner doesn’t know you need to feel close to them to want to have sex — their constant sexual initiatives will start to make you feel anxious. Perhaps you’ll want to distance yourself for fear of having to turn them down yet again. In turn, your partner might feel frustrated, unattractive, and worried that you’re no longer interested in them.

By communicating, you can alleviate the pressure surrounding sex and create a sex life that you both want.

Now that you know communication in your relationship is a key way to have great sex — what’s stopping you?

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is Masturbation Healthy?

A Neuroscientist Weighs In

By Dr. Nan Wise

Is masturbation healthy? When it comes to sex—which is already so taboo—talking about masturbation is one of the most uncomfortable of subjects. It’s one thing to admit to being sexual with a partner but quite another to admit to taking pleasure into your own hands—literally and figuratively. Especially for women. But as a certified sex therapist and neuroscientist, I’ve got good news: Masturbation isn’t just pleasurable, it’s good for you.

For years I’ve worked with people with anxiety, depression, or relationship issues, treated people with problems in the bedroom, and taught human sexuality courses (when I’m not busy conducting sex research as a neuroscience Ph.D.), and yet I continue to be amazed about how uncomfortable people are when it comes to discussing sex in general and their own sexual health in particular. It isn’t unusual for me to have to reassure a talk show host who cautions me to be careful about what I say on the air since they don’t really “talk about sex” on their show. I think to myself, What? You’ve had a show for decades that deals with health and lifestyle issues, and you haven’t talked about sex?”

My work with couples and in the lab conducting studies has proved time and time again that pleasure is not just important but necessary—something I explore in my Glamour column Ask. Dr. Nan and in my new book Why Good Sex Matters—based largely on my research of the female orgasm, which can relieve stress, improve mood, reduce pain, boost immunity, and enhance self-esteem.

So when someone asks me if masturbation is healthy, the answer is a resounding yes. Here’s why:

Do most people masturbate?

The short answer? Yes. The longer answer? More men do than women.

Despite the persistent taboo around masturbation, statistics show that in Western cultures, most people do it. In the U.S., roughly 80% of women aged 25 through 40 say they’ve masturbated at some point in their lives, with 50% of women aged 18 through 24 reporting having masturbated during the past year.

Men tend to masturbate more often than women—largely because women are still shamed for being “too sexual.” If you group men and women together, nearly 76% of young adults aged 25 through 29 report self-pleasuring over the past year.

Is masturbation healthy?

I consider masturbation to be one of the best forms of self-care. Not only does it feel good, it’s good for you.

First, there are the physical benefits of masturbation. My research involved having participants masturbate to orgasm in an fMRI scanner to document how the brain responds to genital stimulation leading up to and culminating in the Big O. We found that when you experience sexual pleasure, many areas of the brain receive more oxygen.

Sufficient oxygen is absolutely critical to healthy brain function, so the widespread increase in blood flow to the brain (particularly regions involved in sensation, movement, cognition, reward, and hormone production) make orgasm a great workout for nearly your whole brain. Orgasm triggers the release of a cascade of substances such as natural painkillers, stress relievers, and mood enhancers. Think of your brain enjoying a delicious cocktail of increased dopamine (associated with reward and enthusiasm), endorphins (our own internally produced opioids promoting feelings of well-being), serotonin (for calming), and oxytocin (which facilitates bonding). The result is a health-promoting natural high.

A regular masturbation practice also has other benefits. When women learn to cultivate the pleasures of masturbation, we radically challenge some of the sex-negative notions pervading our culture. Rather than focusing on being a sex object for someone else, masturbation allows us to focus on being intrinsically sexual beings whose bodies are places of pleasure that exist at times just for us. It puts your pleasure first.

Are there side-effects of too much masturbation?

Any behavior which becomes compulsive can become problematic. I have treated men whose masturbation practices have gotten out of control, causing physical and emotional distress, even interrupting their ability to go to work. These compulsive sexual behaviors appear less frequently in women, although they have been reported. In general, out-of-control sexual behaviors can result when people have trouble regulating their moods and use sex to self-soothe.

The bottom line? By making a commitment to prioritizing your own pleasure though cultivating a regular masturbation practice, you will reap big benefits.

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Saying sex increases cancer risk is neither totally correct, nor in any way helpful

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A study published recently claims to have found a link between having had ten or more sexual partners and an increased risk of cancer. But it’s not as simple as that.

While having a sexually transmissible infection (STI) can increase the risk of certain types of cancer, using a person’s lifetime number of sexual partners as a marker of their likely sexual health history is one of several flaws in this research.

The evidence from this study isn’t strong enough to conclude that having had multiple sexual partners increases a person’s risk of cancer.

Misinterpreting these findings could lead to stigma around STIs and having multiple sexual partners.

What the study did

The research, published in the journal BMJ Sexual & Reproductive Health, used data from 2,537 men and 3,185 women participating in the English Longitudinal Study of Ageing, a nationally representative study of adults aged 50+ in England.

The average age of participants was 64. Most were married or living with a partner, white, non-smokers, drank alcohol regularly, and were at least moderately active once a week or more.

Participants were asked to recall the number of people with whom they had ever had vaginal, oral or anal sex in their lifetime. The researchers grouped the responses into four categories shown in the table below.

The researchers then examined associations between lifetime number of sexual partners and self-reported health outcomes (self-rated health, limiting longstanding illness, cancer, heart disease and stroke).

The researchers controlled for a range of demographic factors (age, ethnicity, partnership status, and socioeconomic status) as well as health-related factors (smoking status, frequency of alcohol intake, physical activity, and depressive symptoms).

What the study found

Men with 2-4 partners and 10+ partners were more likely to have been diagnosed with cancer, compared to men with 0-1 partners. There was no difference between men with 0-1 partners and 5-9 partners.

Compared to women with 0-1 partners, women with 10+ partners were more likely to have been diagnosed with cancer.

Women with 5-9 partners and 10+ partners were also more likely to report a “limiting longstanding illness” than those with 0-1 partners.

The authors don’t specify what constitutes a limiting longstanding illness, but looking at the questions they asked participants, we can ascertain it’s a chronic condition that disrupts daily activities. It’s likely these ranged from mildly irritating to debilitating.

There was no association between number of sexual partners and self-rated general health, heart disease or stroke for either men or women.

Notably, while statistically significant, the effect size of all these associations was modest.

What does number of sexual partners have to do with cancer risk?

There is a reason for investigating whether a person’s lifetime number of sexual partners has anything to do with their cancer risk. If you’ve had a lot of sexual partners, it’s more likely you’ve been exposed to an STI. Having an STI can increase your risk of several types of cancer.

For example, human papillomavirus (HPV) is responsible for 30% of all cancers caused by infectious agents (bacteria, viruses or parasites), contributing to cervical cancer, penile cancer, and cancers of the mouth, throat and anus.

Viral hepatitis can be transmitted through sex, and having chronic hepatitis B or C increases the risk of liver cancer.

Untreated HIV increases the risk of cancers such as lymphomas, sarcomas and cervical cancer.

How can we make sense of this?

The authors of the study acknowledge the numerous limitations of the analysis and recommend further work be done to confirm their findings. We must interpret their results with this in mind.

Their use of lifetime number of sexual partners as a proxy measure for STI history is a key problem. While there is an association between having a higher number of partners and an increased risk of STIs, many other factors may be important in determining a person’s risk of being infected with an STI.

These include whether they’ve practised safe sex, what type of infection they might have encountered, and whether they’ve been vaccinated against, or treated for, particular infections.

Further, the analysis was based on cross-sectional data – a snapshot that doesn’t account for changes over time. Participants were asked to recall information from the past, rather than having measurements taken directly at different time points. It’s not possible to establish causation from a cross-sectional analysis.

Even if the association is confirmed in prospective, longitudinal studies, the findings may not apply to other groups of people.

Recent advances in vaccine development (such as the wide availability of the HPV vaccine), better STI prevention (such as the use of pre- and post-exposure prophylaxis – PreP and PEP – for HIV) and more effective therapy (for example, direct-acting antiviral agents to treat hepatitis C) will reduce the impact of STIs on cancer risk for those who can access them.

People with higher numbers of sexual partners were more likely to smoke and drink frequently (increasing the risk of cancer), but also to do more vigorous physical activity (decreasing the risk of cancer).

For women, a higher number of sexual partners was associated with white ethnicity; for men, with a greater number of depressive symptoms. Although the researchers controlled for these factors, these points highlight some inconsistencies in the pattern of results.

The researchers also couldn’t explain why a greater number of sexual partners was associated with a higher likelihood of a limiting chronic condition for women, but not for men.

Ultimately, this study raises more questions than it answers. We need further research before we can use these results to inform policy or improve practice.

The paper concludes by saying enquiring about lifetime sexual partners could be helpful when screening for cancer risk. This is a very long stretch based on the evidence presented.

This approach could also be harmful. It could invade privacy and increase stigma about having multiple sexual partners or having an STI.

We know experiencing stigma can discourage people from attending sexual health screenings and other services.

It would be better to put limited health resources towards improving prevention, screening and treatments for STIs.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A beginner’s guide to kinky sex

Better clear your diary…

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Kinky sex covers a whole host of sexy things, from BDSM and power play to fetish and role play. It can be confusing to understand exactly what counts as kinky sex, and how you can do it yourself. So if you’re looking to get into kink for the first time, or you want more tips on how to do it safely, here is everything you need to know.

What is kinky sex?

Kinky sex basically includes any kind of sexual activity that is related to power, says Lianne Young, sex and relationships expert and counsellor, and writer for House of Ardent. A big part of this is BDSM, which stands for dominance and submission, bondage and discipline, and sadomasochism, though BDSM isn’t the only thing that qualifies as kink.

What does kinky sex include?

There are plenty of sexual acts that can be counted as kink. These can include:

  • BDSM, including dominance and submission, and humiliation and power.
  • Role playing.
  • Fetishes, for example, foot fetishes.
  • Dressing up, including wearing latex, leather and uniforms.
  • Bondage, using handcuffs, ropes, chains or blindfolds.
  • Accessories. This can include anything from bondage materials, to latex gloves, cock rings, pin wheels, and even “putting someone in a cage and treating them like a dog,” says Lianne. If you want to involve pain or humiliation, try spitting on someone or spanking them using a cane, whip, ruler and paddle, Lianne continues.
  • Electric shocks. Taking kink play to the extreme, some companies like Electrastim sell electric shock apparatus to be used for sexual pleasure, adds Lianne.

What are the origins of kinky sex?

The term ‘kink’ was historically used to describe any sexual activity that bends or ‘kinks’ away from the norm. Even today, some aspects of psychiatry still refer to kinky activities like fetishism, sadism and masochism as “paraphilias“, or “abnormal sexual desires”, with these normal and consensual behaviours listed alongside things like paedophilia. However, ‘kink’ is generally now used as a positive term.

“We can really question this whole idea of ‘abnormal’ sex,” says Meg-John Barker, author of Enjoy Sex and host of the Meg-John and Justin podcast. “Actually the number of people who feel some desire for being tied up, or spanked, for example, is higher than the number of people who don’t.”

How is kinky sex different from adventurous sex?

Adventurous sex means venturing outside of your normal boundaries or activities, while kinky sex is more to do with power play, says Lianne. Adventurous sex might be something simple like introducing a vibrator or having a threesome, while kink is often more about power and fantasy.

However, Lianne adds that kink isn’t just about power. “It’s also an important way of enhancing a couple’s relationship through consensual acts involving pain, control and role play.”

Kinky sex ideas to try

Keep things simple

Lianne suggests starting with an easy role playing scenario, like pretending you don’t know each other and chatting each other up in a bar.

Combine pain and pleasure

Pain and pleasure really compliment one another,” says Lianne. “Try ass spanking and then clit stimulation instantly after one another and keep repeating this.” If you’re new to pain, Lianne recommends building up your pain resistance rather than going all out straight away.

Try bondage

Start with a beginners’ bondage kit if you want to experiment with restraint, but make sure you read the instructions to stay safe. “Being tied up can feel adventurous, and if added with a blindfold you can play with the senses of sight, hearing, taste, touch and imagination. The brain is the biggest sex organ,” explains Lianne.

If you’re trying any kind of bondage or dominance and submission, it’s crucial that you discuss boundaries and establish a safe word or signal before starting.

Dress up and use accessories

Good costumes to start with can be latex or PVC, says Lianne, or you can try dressing up as a character. It can also be fun to include accessories, like vibrators, cock rings, candle wax and lotions.

Read erotic stories

If you’re new to kink, reading erotic stories online can give you ideas of different scenes to play out, suggests Lianne.

Do what feels right

While a list of kinky ideas might be useful for some people, Meg-John says it’s better to start with what excites you personally. “For most people it’s not about specific positions or scenarios, but rather playing with different roles or sensations. A great idea to start with is to do something like Betty Martin’s three minute game because that enables you to practice consent as well as figuring out what roles and sensations you might enjoy.

“You might also find Justin and my ‘Make Your Own Sex Manual’ and ‘Erotic Fantasies’ zines helpful for tuning into what you’re into and communicating it. These include making your own ‘yes, no, maybe’ list of things you’d like to try, and as well as plenty of suggestions for fantasies, erotic fiction, or ethical porn,” they continue.

Kinky sex positions to try

Sex positions for kinky sex depend on the scenario being played out, but Lianne suggests being bent over a counter, chair, bed, or specialised sex apparatus, especially if you’re trying bondage or spanking.

“Try being tied to a chair with legs spread apart and hands tied behind you. Get your partner to add a blindfold so you don’t know what’s going to happen next. Kink play is about using your imagination and letting someone take control, or being in control, with someone you trust,” says Lianne.

Positions that help you look into each other’s eyes can be great, as this enhances the feeling of being submissive or dominant, and kneeling also has the same effect, Lianne adds.

Safety tips for kinky sex

“Discuss what you’re going to do before you do it, have a safe word ready and don’t push boundaries,” says Lianne

However, it’s important to remember that a lot of the rules for kinky sex still apply to all sex. “For all sex it’s a great idea to talk ahead about what you like and dislike, and any limits that you have,” says Meg-John.

When it comes to safe words and signals, plan how you’ll check in beforehand. Meg-John suggests the traffic light system (red for stop, yellow for slow down, or green for keep going). If you want to use a non-verbal stop signal, tapping your partner to an agreed rhythm is a good idea.

It can also be useful to discuss any trauma experiences you’ve had and what your triggers might be.

Consent is also crucial, and of course this applies to any kind of sex. Meg-John suggests using their consent checklist if you are unsure.

What you should know if you’re trying kink for the first time

If you’re interested in trying something kinky, you need to make sure your partner is on the same page first. Lianne suggests sitting them down and explaining your fantasy to them first. Don’t worry if it’s not as great as you expected first time around. Practise makes perfect.

Why do people enjoy kinky sex?

Kink is a great way of experimenting and mixing things up in the bedroom. As Lianne puts it, “do you eat the same cuisine every evening? Or do you occasionally treat yourself to take away?

“Sex play is the same and should have added spice occasionally – and it’s very healthy. Sex is about enjoyment.”

Meg-John adds that kink can reveal a lot about our subconscious desires. “Many of us eroticise the tough things that have happened in our lives, so it’s very common for people to be turned on by the idea of being controlled, or someone having power over them, or some kind of punishment or humiliation,” they explain.

However, kink doesn’t just have to be about your subconscious psyche. “The things we enjoy can simply be fun and playful, things that feel nice to our bodies, or things that help us to connect to another person. There can be many reasons why we’re into what we’re into, and it shouldn’t really matter as long as we’re acting on it consensually,” they add.

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My First Time Pegging Someone Changed How I Think About Sex

“Pegging is the ultimate tamer of men… It’s like having a nuclear weapon in your armoury.”

by Nichi Hodgson; as told to Sirin Kale

I was interning at a now-defunct erotic magazine when I met our resident dominatrix at the office Christmas party. She asked me if I wanted to be her vanilla girl assistant, and as I wasn’t getting paid there, I thought, I might as well try.

Back then, I knew nothing about pegging – I hadn’t even seen it in porn. We called it strap-on play back then [the term pegging was coined by sex columnist Dan Savage in 2001]. She had to teach me everything. She showed me her equipment: the leather harness that was specially made, her various cocks of different colours, widths and shapes.

I watched her do it to other people and saw the pleasure that men got out of it – there are huge swathes of men in the world who are desperate to be pegged. The sight of a beautiful woman dressed up in black leather gear wearing a harness and a cock is magnificent! It’s triumphant. Everyone should see it at some point in their life.

One time, a guy requested a strap-on session with the dominatrix. His dream was to be penetrated by two women separately. It started with a spanking session and some small penis humiliation, and then the dominatrix made him worship her cock. After a while, she was like, “Enough of this, it’s time to get fucked.”

She spread him on all fours, propping him on his forearms. Then she put a condom over her cock, got tons of lube and started off using her fingers to get him loose enough. She slid into him, thrusting quite gently at first and then building up the pace and depth; he wanked himself off at the same time.

He came, and then after he’d rested for a bit, she said, “Jamie” – that was my fake name back then – “is going to lose her strap-on virginity.”

We’d bought my cock and harness the week before; it was a good six inches long and a nice girth. I remember being pleased with the overall effect when I looked in the mirror. The dominatrix put a condom on me, lubed me up and showed me what to do. He was already open by that point, so I didn’t have to break him in again – I just entered him. I remember it so distinctly; it was mesmerising.

Pegging him changed my perspective on sexuality. I became more empathetic to men. Fucking someone is, physically, quite hard work. When I was younger I didn’t put that much effort in when I was having sex, in terms of thrusting or doing the actual manoeuvring. Also, when someone is opening their body to you, they’re quite vulnerable – you have a magnificent amount of power. I’d never thought about sex like that before because I’d never felt physically vulnerable in that way.

I wasn’t aroused, but it was psychologically interesting. Pegging is the ultimate tamer of men. They love it. It’s like having a nuclear weapon in your armoury.

I carried on working as a dominatrix, seeing my own clients. Often, you’d find yourself having to disappoint clients who’d seen hardcore porn where people are being absolutely rammed, and they’d want it really full on. But if you haven’t done it much, you can’t take it like that. When you start to feel the resistance in someone’s body, you have to stop, otherwise you’re going to hurt them. So the fantasy doesn’t always match up to the reality.

It’s hard for me to peg someone I’m in love with. There’s an exchange of energy – for nearly all men, there will be some unsettling feelings afterwards. Even if they fantasise about submitting to women, there’s this fear that you’ve given up something in the process of letting women fuck you. Men can feel belittled, upset or regretful afterwards – which is interesting, because women allow men to fuck them all the time, but they don’t feel subjugated.

After I’d finished working as a dominatrix, I was quite cagey about pegging men in romantic relationships. Even if guys said they liked it, I felt like they were seeing the dom, not the person. I did meet a romantic partner who was really into pegging, and I felt proud of him for being really honest about his desires.

We pegged a couple of times a year. I remember the first time we did it he was lying on his back looking up at me, so we could kiss at the same time. It was more intimate – less about getting rammed, and more about him relinquishing to me. For a man to give that up is quite sexy.

We probably pegged for about 15 minutes. It was a very wholesome sexual experience; we were both very engaged and present. It was sensual and loving, not about humiliation. That’s what’s great about pegging. It can be whatever you want it to be – the limit is your imagination.

A strap-on has to feel like an extension of your body in order for you to be really in control of it. It’s best to buy a harness, and separate differently-sized cocks, as they tend to be better quality and you can work your partner up through the different sizes.

Lots of men are apprehensive about being dirty, which prevents them from being able to let go and enjoy it. If you’ve got someone who’s pegging-curious, get them in the shower and soap them up to help them relax. Don’t give them an enema – that can leave water in the body, creating more chaos. You’ll need lots of lube.

Everyone is capable of pegging. You have to build up to it gradually and find the right man who’s genuinely interested in it. I think a surprising number of men are into it and want to try it. And lots of women would gain sexual confidence from pegging.

Once I felt like I could wield a cock and dominate someone in that way, things flipped for me. Pegging men helped me not to be as afraid of male sexuality. I saw how vulnerable men can be – if they are open enough.

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