Tag: sex and relationship advice

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New ways to think about sex

An enjoyable sexual relationship can happen without traditional intercourse.

By Matthew Solan

People’s bodies change over time. Probably nowhere is this most telling than with their sex lives.

For men, sexual drive can slow as hormone production naturally drops, and it’s common to experience erectile dysfunction or health issues that can interfere with sexual performance.

Women can have their own physical barriers to sex, such as vaginal dryness and lower libido after menopause. All of these issues can make conventional sex problematic and stressful for both parties.

“Even though older adults go through physical changes, they often expect their sex life to stay the way it was decades earlier, and that is just not always realistic,” says Dr. Sharon Bober, director of the Sexual Health Program at Harvard-affiliated Dana-Farber Cancer Institute. “Still, there are many ways to continue a strong, healthy sexual relationship without always relying on regular intercourse. Couples should see this new phase of their sex lives as an opportunity to explore different and exciting ways to satisfy each other.”

Redefining sex

The first step older couples should take is to re-examine their definition of “sex.” “Don’t give in to the idea of a so-called normal sex life being narrowly defined,” says Dr. Bober. “Sex refers to a broad spectrum, and there are many places you can land.”

Examine what sex now means to you and your partner. This could mean changing how you pleasure each other, routines you follow, and frequency — as well as making compromises about expectations. “Don’t assume there is only one way to have a sexual relationship,” says Dr. Bober. “It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.”

Your relationship status also can shape this new idea of sex. For instance, some couples may enjoy a connection based more on companionship, where the emphasis is on emotional bonding and spending quality time together and less on the physical side.

Language of love

As with most aspects of a strong relationship, communication is vital. “The more you avoid talking about your sex lives, the bigger the issues become,” says Dr. Bober.

Of course, talking about sex isn’t always easy, but most partners are open and willing to discuss and share if given a chance. “Often partners aren’t sure how to begin the conversation, so it never happens,” she says. There are many ways to initiate a sex dialogue. Here are some suggestions:

Seek permission. Begin the conversation positively. For instance, say something like “I want to find ways to reconnect that feel good for both of us” or “Our sex life has been on my mind and I have been wondering if I could share some of my thoughts. Is it okay to talk about it?”

By asking for permission, you can broach the topic without intimidating your partner. “This initial conversation is not about making demands, but about finding ways to explore mutual goals,” says Dr. Bober.

Invite a response. Make it clear you want to hear your partner’s feelings too. For example, say, “I’ve been wondering how you feel about our sex life. What has sex been like for you?” Inviting partners to participate can prevent them from feeling defensive and shows you care about their experience and input, says Dr. Bober.

Express what you both want. Talk about what you both hope to gain from this new sexual relationship, such as more excitement, greater closeness, or even reconnection. “Sharing your needs and expectations helps your partner express theirs, so you both can come to some kind of mutual understanding,” says Dr. Bober.

Different ways to satisfy

Once you’ve had these talks, then you both can look for different ways to approach your new sex life.

Dr. Bober says a good place to begin is with “outercourse.” Here, the attention and energy are directed toward foreplay and manual stimulation with your partner, like massages, hugging, petting, kissing, or just snuggling naked in bed.

“The emphasis is on intimacy and closeness without any big expectations of intercourse,” says Dr. Bober. “This can take the pressure off both partners and eliminate some of the stress and anxiety of having regular sex. It also shows that you can interact with your partner in various satisfying ways.”

Penetration is not always needed to achieve pleasure or orgasm for both people. Instead, try sexual aids like vibrators as well as manual stimulation, masturbation, and oral sex.

As you explore ways to stay intimate, be mindful that every couple is unique.

“A sexual relationship is defined by the two people in it and nobody else,” says Dr. Bober. “Focus on what matters to you and your partner. Your sex lives may have changed, but together you can discover what’s best for each other and your relationship.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Feminist Guide to BDSM

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This guide isn’t going to be exhaustive, or it would be book-length. And, in fact, there are some great books about how to get started in BDSM. For starters, I recommend checking out

But what you’ll find below should give you some great starting points and some things to consider as you explore (or entertain exploring) BDSM from an intersectional feminist perspective.

Jump to a section:

Let’s make sure we’re on the same page by starting with some terms.

What is BDSM?

BDSM is a rather complex acronym with the letters meaning different things depending on their pairing. B and D stand for Bondage and Discipline; D and s stand for Dominance and submission; and S and M stand for Sadism and Masochism.

But what does all of that mean?

You probably have ideas in your head about what BDSM looks like: leather-clad Dominatrixes and naked submissives wearing collars, dimly lit dungeons where people are tied up and hit with things. And all of this is true and (for some) intriguing. But let’s flesh out that vision, a little. 

For starters, BDSM can be something you do. For instance, if you tie up a partner or spank them with a paddle, that’s participating in BDSM.

But BDSM can also be a mindset; a way of defining roles in a relationship; a framework through which you express your desires and limits with a partner; and a community of people interested in alternative expressions of sexuality, intimacy, and power.

BDSM often involves an exchange of power between two or more people: someone in a Dominant or top role and someone in a submissive or bottom role. The person submitting gives the person(s) dominating them permission to take control over the situation. This power dynamic can last over a particular period of time (or a scene) or be ongoing in a relationship.

What I love about BDSM and kink is that your creativity is the limit to what you can do with it. In their New Bottoming Book, Dossie and Janet define S/M as “play, theater, communication, intimacy, sexuality. It combines the child’s urge for make-believe with the adult’s ability to take responsibility and the adult’s privilege of sexual reward.”

That definition can encompass a whole lot of types of activities, right? Not only getting blindfolded and flogged or whatever first comes to mind.

If you’re looking for places to start, besides what you fantasize about, consider signing up for workshops sponsored by a local group or online. Check out organizations like Kinky Kollege or workshops by Midori.

So what about kink?

What is Kink?

Kink is a very, very vague term. And many people use kink and BDSM interchangeably which, unless you’re a really old-school Dominant or Master, is perfectly fine. Because, as we saw above, BDSM can mean a lot of things, as well.

But, where BDSM has at least a set of terms (Bondage, dominance, etc) that help define what it is, kink doesn’t.

In Playing Well With Others, Williams and Harrington define kink as shorthand for:

The great big world of sexual adventure, including, but not limited to, voyeurism, exhibitionism, fetishism, fantasy role-playing, cross-dressing, power exchange, swinging, leather identity, erotic restraint, consensual non-monogamy, ‘naughty sex’ and BDSM between consenting adults. In short, the realm of sexuality perceived to be outside the mainstream.”

Folks often describe themselves as being “kinky” or “into kink” when they’re interested in exploring things considered sexually deviant which, once again, can be about anything.

A good way of looking at it is that you may want to use the word kink in a conversation if you want to explain your interested in exploring (sex, relationships, etc) in ways that are out of the norm. Just be prepared for someone else to have totally different assumptions about what you mean.

Is BDSM Inherently Feminist?

The short answer is no. But BDSM, as well as other kinky activities, has to potential to fit nicely within a feminist value system.

There’s a newish trend for separating ethical non-monogamy from non-monogamy, in general. So someone who is open about dating multiple people at once or being in an open marriage might say they’re ethically non-monogamous.

Similarly, let’s assume that what we’re describing in this article is a way of participating in “ethical BDSM.”

And when I say feminist, I mean: Requiring equity in one’s relationships, actions, and communities for all people, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, religious background, physical ability, age, race, and other identity components while being aare of and celebrating those differences.

The most common objections to BDSM are that BDSM is just an excuse to support patriarchal gender roles or to enable abuse. 

Some feminists consider BDSM just another “system of oppression” that encourages violence against women and other gender minorities and takes away their agency.

One reason for these objections is that it’s considerably more common in cisgender heterosexual relationships for the woman to be in the submissive role. In a study published by the Journal of Sexual Medicine, over half of the women surveyed reported desires about being submissive.

But for many women exploring their submissiveness, what makes it a feminist act is their ability to choose what they want to explore. This choice is the foundation of their agency. BDSM also provides a structure for exploring this power dynamic that prioritizes consent.

Kink also isn’t inherently inclusive. Many kink events do a horrible job of being accessible. Kink communities can be transphobic, ageist, racist.

Safety 101

From tying someone up to participating in a power dynamic, much of BDSM or kink involves physical and/or emotional risk. 

Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK)

There is a framework that many BDSM practitioners use to practice kink and BDSM ethically. This is RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink). Risk-aware means understanding the risks of a given activity before participating in it: essentially doing one’s homework. For many types of play, such as bondage and impact play, such as whips, floggers, and canes, I strongly recommend taking classes to learn the physical risks and how to do things safely.

Risk-awareness is also an acknowledgment that the level of risk any two people are willing to assume is different and that’s ok.

Now, consent in a power dynamic can get trickier. So how does one truly give consent when giving someone control over their body or actions? That’s where negotiation comes in.

Negotiation is Key

Before one participates in kinky play, negotiation is so important. Here are some things to discuss (at the very minimum):

  • What is going to happen (it won’t ruin the fun to talk it out)
  • Any boundaries and limits
  • How to determine when play should stop if something goes wrong
  • What both parties need afterward to ground themselves (otherwise known as aftercare)
  • If there are any physical injuries or emotional trauma that might come up

Here are some other resources on negotiation to get you started:

The benefits of red and yellow

Instead of some random safeword that you might have a hard time remembering, many kinksters use red and yellow, which are easy to remember. Red tends to mean “full stop,” and yellow means “I’m approaching my limit” or “pause.”

When you’re deciding on which terms to use, you should also discuss what they mean to everyone involved. For instance, does saying red mean the scene should end right then and there or does it mean you take a break and discuss? Do you prefer to say yellow as a way of saying you want to discuss what’s happening or to ask the top to move on from a particular body part or action?

It can also be important to know what someone means when they say “no” during a scene. Don’t make assumptions — talk it through beforehand.

BDSM Roles

For some, the idea of submitting to someone else is as unattractive as doing one’s taxes. For others, being in a dominant position comes with the same anxiety as talking in public. And then there are folks, often referred to as switches, who desire both. Whether they feel like topping or bottoming might depend on how they relate or interact to a given person or the person’s gender or the season.

Folks can be a self-identified dominant, top, submissive, bottom, or switch. Or it can simply be a role they assume in a given scene.

In fact, in an interview with Rebellious, sex educator, performer, and Shibari expert, Midori explains that she sees these roles more as verbs than nouns:

“A person is not ‘a dominant.’ A person is a person. A person engages in dominance. Or hungers for dominance or hungers for submission. So when we say a person is a top, a bottom, a dominant, a submissive, I think we engage in the subconscious reduction and objectification of the self, and that is not good. It’s a counter to feminism and it’s counter to humanism.

“Now, I understand if we’re using this as shorthand. Let’s say you and I are playmates and I say, “I’m your bottom.” Then that’s kind of romantic. But that’s coming from a place of understanding complexity.”

After reading this interview, I started making it a habit to tell folks “I switch,” as opposed to “I am a switch.”

Beyond the basics, there are many, many roles one can take in a kinky relationship. One can be a daddy or mommy, a boi, a big. little, brat, leather sibling, pony, puppy, owner, master, slave, mistress, and so on. As you explore, you’ll learn what these roles mean (to others and possibly to you). Being able to assume a new role with someone can help you expand or define your unique relationship and what you want out of it. To learn more about various roles, I recommend exploring Fetlife. If a term intrigues you, search for a group about that role.

How to Approach Fetlife

So where do you meet other fellow kinky folks? The best place to go is Fetlife, which is a bit like Facebook for Kinksters. Please keep in mind it is very not safe for work! 

But I’d like to offer a couple of tips on how to approach the site because it can be a bit overwhelming.

Most people don’t want to hear from strangers. 

Many folks use Fetlife as a dating site and look for cuties in their area. Sometimes this works well. In fact, I wound up in a great relationship with someone I randomly messaged. But for the most part, people don’t want to get random, impersonal “Hey you’re cute, can I get to know you?” messages. 

If you really like what someone has on their profile, then at the very least, send more personal messages if you want to get to know someone. But also please check to see if they have something on their profile about not wanting to hear from randos.

You’re better off getting involved in forums and community events to build an organic connection. And, in fact, there are many dating forums where you can post or respond to folks that are specifically looking for someone.

If you’re shy or nervous, reach out to an event organizer

If you want to get involved, but you’re nervous about it, look for an event you’re interested in, then find the person in charge of the event. These are generally people that have taken an interest in building the BDSM community and will be happy to help.

6 Things I Wish I’d Known When I Started

  1. It’s OK To Speak Up For Yourself When Bottoming

When I was getting started, I thought that being a good submissive meant accepting whatever the Dominant wanted, which isn’t even remotely true. Thankfully I was lucky enough to work with some experienced, thoughtful tops who negotiated well and were communicative as we played. 

But many of my experiences could’ve been better if I’d known it was ok to speak up more about what I wanted. Now, these dynamics can work in many ways. Perhaps a submissive wants to give up control completely to a Dominant during a scene — which is fine if it’s well negotiated. But it doesn’t need to be that way. It’s also okay to speak up in the middle of a scene and say, “This isn’t working, can we try something else?” or stop the scene completely, etc. And all submissives need to know that you’re not failing or being bad when you speak up. 

For more, check out Julia Swann’s three-part series on Self-Advocacy as a Bottom.

  1. Pain thresholds aren’t a competition

When it comes to lots of types of kinky play, I have a low pain threshold compared to others. I am not what is known as a “pain slut.” I like just enough pain or discomfort to keep me in the moment and give me that adrenaline rush.

I am not the right play partner for many Dominants/Sadists who want their bottom to take as much pain as they can dish out. Nope! Not for me!

Many submissives can feel pressured (either by themselves or by a top) into taking more pain than they want. Which is dumb. And I think it has to do with the competitive nature of our culture.

BDSM allows you to play with one’s pain threshold which has a number of benefits, such as exploring your physical and emotional limits, achieving a sense of mindfulness, achieving “subspace” — a blissful headspace that can feel like a high, build new self-knowledge, go through something challenging with another person. Unless you’re intentionally specifically looking to be competitive with another person, you don’t need to take more pain to achieve these benefits.

  1. You don’t need pain AT ALL for a fun scene

Fun kinky play doesn’t need to involve pain at all. It can be an emotional journey, a sensual journey, and so much more. In other words, you don’t have to be a masochist: someone that takes pleasure from pain.

Remember, your imagination is the limit of what you can do using a kink framework: establishing a power dynamic, negotiation, etc.

To me, the primary point of kinky activities is how to nurture connection, both with the person(s) you’re playing with and with yourself. And the best way to kink is however best nurtures that connection, with lots of pain, a moderate amount, or no pain at all. And if you and a potential play partner can’t agree on this, you’re probably not a good match.

  1. BDSM doesn’t need to involve sex

When I got involved in the kink community, I had the opportunity to play with all sorts of people. Some of them I was sexually attracted to, but many I wasn’t. I learned quickly that this was okay. Not all kinky play needs to be sexual in nature and, in fact, we get to define what sexual means to us!

For me, play is often more “sensual,” than “sexual.” I feel more alive in my body when I play, but I don’t always feel aroused. And rarely do I involve my genitals in kinky scenes.

For some, kink is always foreplay, and that’s okay too. 

This is another way that you get to decide who you want to play with and how.

  1. Know your responses to trauma or trauma-inducing event

When you’re participating in BDSM, you’re often pushing physical and emotional limits in a way that can trigger past trauma or even create new trauma. Especially when you’re playing with new people or intentionally playing with actions you know you have trauma around, it’s super, super important to know how you respond to trauma and explain it to the person you’re playing with. (Note, tops can also have trauma responses — this isn’t just for bottoms).

Once, when I was bottoming for someone who ended up not being a very emotionally safe person, afterwards, I curled up in a ball on his bed. This, I found out, is one of my physical responses during a traumatic event.

On the other hand, the only time I’ve ever cried during a scene, I left wondering if I’d gone too far. I spoke to a mentor who asked me how I felt afterward. Exhilarated. Eager to have another scene with this person. 

She asked me how I’d felt when things had gone wrong before, and I thought back to that time when I curled up in a ball: anxious, depressed.

I now know what to look for when I’m heading into dangerous territory, and I can tell anyone I’m playing with what to look for, as well. 

It’s also really important to know whether you are able to verbally communicate when you’re triggered. If you tend to go non-verbal this is something you should tell your partners (and it’s something we should always be asking before a scene).

For more on trauma and play, check out:

  1. If someone isn’t interested in negotiating, they’re not safe

There are soooo many self-identified dominant individuals on dating websites who are looking for new people to play with. Many tout that they’re experienced, and when you’re eager to explore BDSM, it can feel very exciting to come across such a person.

But many of these people (usually cisgender men) aren’t safe to play with. They’re generally looking for inexperienced women who don’t know what to look out for. So how can you tell whether they’re worth getting to know? 

I tend to ask people to describe how they negotiate a scene. If they don’t have a good answer, then they’re not safe. 

Another thing to do is say no to simple things, such as whether we can exchange phone numbers or another request. If they ever, ever get pushy about anything, they’re not safe.

Approaching BDSM or Kink as a Feminist

I hope this guide gives you some starting ways to approach BDSM or kink as a feminist. For me, some of the keys are encouraging inclusivity, prioritizing enthusiastic consent, using BDSM or kink as a means of empowering myself and others, and challenging societal norms.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Male menopause

— Is it real? Should I care?

Hormone changes are a normal part of aging for both men and women. The terms “male menopause” and “manopause” have been used to describe decreasing testosterone levels associated with aging. The medical term for it is andropause. And it’s different than menopause.

A man’s hormone levels typically drop differently than a woman’s. For men, the decline is much more gradual. On average, a man’s testosterone levels decline about 1% a year, starting about age 40.

Dr. Alan Kelton, internal medicine specialist and faculty member with UCSF Fresno, says low testosterone is more common if you’re overweight.

“About one in three men that are overweight and in their 40s may have it,” says Dr. Kelton, “and certainly by the time men turn 70, about 30% will have measurably low testosterone levels.”

The typically gradual decline means many men never report any symptoms. But when they do, the most common symptoms are sexual:

  • Reduced sexual desire
  • Fewer morning erections
  • Erectile dysfunction

Other symptoms — including a general lack of energy, decreased joy for life and moodiness — are sometimes associated with low testosterone levels, but can have many other causes.

How can I tell if my levels are low?

Testosterone levels can be measured with a simple blood test. But unlike other lab work, your doctor isn’t likely to run this test unless you ask for it. If you’re having symptoms that might be related to low male hormones and if those symptoms trouble you, then speak up and ask your doctor for a test.

If the results indicate a deficiency, the test is often repeated to confirm the results. Confirmed low testosterone levels can lead directly to treatment, but often lead first to more tests to find the root cause.

What are the treatment options?

There’s basically one medical treatment for low testosterone levels — hormone replacement therapy — but there are several ways to deliver it. Injections, creams, tablets and patches can all be used to boost male hormone levels.

Dr. Kelton says it’s important to have realistic expectations about hormone replacement therapy and understand it won’t magically turn you into the muscular older men we see in the movies and on TV. “The truth is that most older men [who get hormone replacement therapy] will have an increase in sexual desire, with or without an increase in sexual functioning,” says Dr. Kelton. “You don’t get more strength, you don’t get more energy, but you do get an improvement in some of the sexual symptoms.”

There can be downsides to hormone replacement therapy too. Dr. Kelton warns, “Testosterone itself seems to contribute to plaque in the coronary arteries. You can get some increased cholesterol buildup or at least on a temporary basis. A man can also have an increase in their blood counts and sometimes at levels high enough to increase the risk of stroke. And if a man has sleep apnea, they’ll have more sleep apnea with testosterone replacement therapy.”

Lifestyle changes can also reverse many of the symptoms of low hormone levels. Dr. Kelton says, “If a man is not sleeping well, is not eating well, is overweight and not exercising, they’re going to have all of the symptoms of low male hormone. By reversing many of those things, testosterone levels can improve, and sometimes dramatically so.”

Focusing on better sleep, boosting nutrition and adding in more exercise can improve testosterone levels.

Is treatment really necessary?

Dr. Kelton says men should talk to their doctor and make an honest effort to make positive lifestyle changes before deciding on hormone replacement therapy. And in the end, he stresses that the numbers aren’t the most important thing. 

“Aging is a personal experience. For some men, it’s distressing to have a decrease in sexual functioning and sexual desire and they may report symptoms early on in life, even when their male hormone levels are completely normal. Other men see their decrease in sexual functioning and desire as just part of a normal part of aging and they’re not really bothered by it.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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5 Ways Non-Penetrative

‘Frottage’ Sex Can Supply You With All the Pleasure You Could Ever Want

By Gabrielle Kassel

The word frottage—which comes from the French word frott, which means “rub”—isn’t just fun to say; it’s fun to do, as well. Frottage “is a word used for the non-penetrative sex that happens when two or more bodies rub together,” says sex educator Searah Deysach, owner of pleasure-product company Early to Bed. “Clothes on or off, this is a fun way to explore sexuality without penetration for just about anyone.”

No matter your relationship structure, gender, or sexual orientation, practicing the sex act of frottage (which is basically a fancy way to say dry humping, grinding, outercourse, or even heavy petting) stands to offer benefits to your pleasure practice, no matter how intimate your practice gets. This makes it accessible to all people, along every point of their respective sexual journey.

Frottage involves rubbing erogenous zones together, which can have the effect of stimulating nerve-dense pleasure spots. “For someone with a clitoris, the sensations one gets from rubbing can be easily orgasmic,” says Deysach. To her point, research supports the notion that for the majority of vulva owners, clitoral stimulation during sex is either necessary for reaching orgasm period or increasing the quality of an orgasm in question. “For penis-havers, rubbing against another penis, vulva, or butt can feel super-fun even without penetration,” Deysach adds.

Frottage allows people who aren’t interested in penetrative intercourse or can’t have penetrative sex to still be sexually intimate.

Orgasm notwithstanding, frottage allows people who aren’t interested in penetrative intercourse or can’t have penetrative sex to still be sexually intimate. “For people who have health challenges that impede penetrative sexual function, like erectile difficulty, premature ejaculation, or vaginismus, frottage is still on the table,” says Goody Howard MSW, MPH, resident sex educator for vegan-friendly condom and lubricant company Royal.

Frottage can happen with clothes on or off, which is both a pleasure and safe-sex win. With clothing acting as a barrier, STI transmission is less likely (but practicing safe sex with recommended contraception and tools is also certainly recommended).

5 tips to get the most out of your frottage practice

1. Do it solo

As good as frottage can feel with a partner, it’s worth trying as part of your masturbation practice. Stuffed animals, pillows, sex pillows, couch corners, and chair arms can all be just as fun to hump as a human, according to Deysach. Simply position the aid at a pleasurable angle, and then get to frotting.

2. Be intentional with your underwear and outerwear

Wearing your thickest pair of pants may sound counterintuitive, but Howard says denim can actually take the sesh from zero to ohh! “Denim is a high-friction fabric that provides pleasurable friction to those who need it [to get off],” she says, adding that the seams, in particular, can provide a texture that feels so good. “Jean material warms up with consistent motion, which can heat up playtime in a fun way,” she says.

Alternatively, if you’re planning to frot pantsless, Deysach recommends opting for a slinky, soft underwear material, like silk, which can create a pleasurable gliding sensation. (Lace lingerie, while visually sexy, can actually become physically uncomfortable due to all that frotting friction, she warns.)

3. Use lube

“If you are experimenting with naked frottage with another person, try adding silicone lube to your genitals or your—and their—thighs for slippery humping fun,” says Deysach. Promescent Silicone Lube, Uberlube, and Sliquid Silver are all recommended options for this.

If, however, you’re planning to keep some or all of your garments on, substitute the silicone-based lube with a water-based one, like Sliquid Sassy, because silicone-based lube is much harder to get out of clothes.

4. Add in a sex toy

“There are vibrators and non-vibrating sex toys that can add fun to your frottage play,” says Deysach. “Ultimately, whichever you choose will vary based on your individual pleasure-preferences, though.” Some might opt for a butt plug, while others may prefer nipple clamps, or traditional vibrators, for instance.

“If you both have a vulva, another option is to nestle a wand-style vibe between your bodies and share in the vibration,” Deysach says. “There are also panty vibrators that clip right inside underwear so you can easily grind up against the toy while leaving your clothes on,” she says. For two examples, consider the We-Vibe Moxie and Screaming O Panty Vibe.

5. Switch up who’s on top

To reiterate: There is no right or wrong way to practice frottage in solo or partnered play. If, for example, your partner is generally on top, consider swapping, and vice versa.

Sexperimenting is the name of the game here.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to deal with post-lockdown intimacy anxiety and low libido

Post-pandemic Sex: Many of us are unsure how to navigate relationships in what feels like a new world

The basic tips still hold true including practicing safe sex by using condoms and birth control.

By Geraldine Walsh

Along with indoor dining and international travel, sex is due to make a comeback as the summer of love apparently, belatedly, unfolds around us. The forward-moving vaccination programme brings hope for a normal life.

Post-pandemic sex and relationships, however, appear to have undergone a significant shift, depending on the age group, but how our post-pandemic sexual behaviour will pan out is not all that easy to predict.

There is a disparity in how we have experienced intimate relationships over the past 18 months. There were those of us in committed relationships who witnessed a rising stress culminating in a low sex drive brought on by the upside-down world. Many entered the pandemic as singletons and are now exiting while still single having missed out on a couple of years of flirtations with the potential of cementing long term relationships.

We’re not expecting a sexual revolution as such, but the effect the opening of society will have on relationships means adjusting not only our expectations but our practices

The crisis cut short liaisons which were never given a chance and, after living in limbo for too long, dating is back on the cards filled with an added anxiety. And there are the teenagers who are now in their twenties and, well, are raring to go with the potential for casual sex to make a 1920s roaring return.

We’re not expecting a sexual revolution as such, but the effect the opening of society will have on relationships means adjusting not only our expectations but our practices. With both the physical and emotional effects of post-pandemic sex likely to come to the fore as we eventually drop statistics on intimacy, it’s safe to say the pandemic has not been conducive to a healthy fulfilling sex life for many of us, single or not. The issue for many now is how to navigate not only new relationships but those sticky sexual exploits in what feels like a new world.

What about physical first dates?

“People are emotionally fatigued with online dating, the chatting, texting, being ghosted and the emotional whirlwind that comes with romantic first encounters online with potential love interests,” says Orlagh Gahan, couples and relationship psychotherapist. “Not having the opportunity to physically date all through lockdown has left many singletons isolated. We are going to see a huge boom in traditional real live dating again with more and more people moving towards professional matchmaking services.”

Gahan is conscious of the overwhelming emotional burden caused by dating websites, particularly for those committed to finding real love. She suggests we be ourselves as much as possible on dates.

“Arrange morning and daytime dates around hobbies and interests you both enjoy,” says Gahan, “or new experiences which will bring out your natural persona rather than dates focused on alcohol and the pub culture. Keep first dates short, but long enough that you give each other time to come out of your shell and loosen up. Romance and chemistry can take time to develop, and first dates are pressurised situations so go with your gut and intuition.”

What about intimacy anxiety?

“The intensity of emotions, fatigue, anticipatory grief can obviously affect our sex drive and all types of romantic intimacy,” says Gahan. “Many of us are in a state of recuperation meaning it will take time to readjust. A sex positive approach promotes proactively addressing blocks associated with body image, sex, intimacy and sexual health, fears and anxieties around sex while also learning more about the subject. When we feel good and positive about ourselves we are naturally more open to connection and in turn romantic intimacy.”

A pandemic addition to our intimate connections and potential intimacy anxiety is disease anxiety. There are those of us who are innately concentrated on how Covid-19 can find its way into the bedroom with lab tests showing SARS-COV-2 has been found in saliva, faecal matter, and semen. The anxiety can be so overwhelming that some are holding off until the pandemic is over to get frisky, which at this stage is a guess at best. Instead of waiting, ground rules can help alleviate the anxiety.

The awkward conversation in an early relationship doesn’t always make for great foreplay but the longer we keep our opinions silent, the harder it may be approach them. Gahan suggests we don’t be afraid to have real in-depth conversations about sex at the beginning of a relationship as “couples can benefit from talking about sexual intimacy, consent, values, sexual health and attitudes about sex and relationships.”

What about low libido?

Low libido is a common occurrence with the overreaching anxiety brought about by the pandemic. But the truth is there are many different factors which affect libido and the desire for intimacy including relationship health.

“We need to move beyond the overly simple and disempowering concept that libido is either high or low,” says Gahan, “and cultivate a mindset more focused around sexual health and healthy sexual attitudes, understanding and practicing what it means and feels like to be a sexually healthy human being with the understanding that libido fluctuates.

“I would encourage people, particularly women, to educate themselves about the different aspects of sexual intimacy, sexual health, and also the very curious and intriguing arousal process. Get to know your own body and build on body confidence, learn about romantic intimacy, and find safe empowering ways to talk openly and honestly about how you feel about sexual intimacy.

To improve your libido, get sex positive, talk about feelings, fears, and needs around sex, understand intimacy at a deeper level, feel good about your body again, get out and exercise and feel fun and joy in simple things, love and look after your body and you will feel more comfortable bonding with your partner.”

What about practising safe sex?

The rules of safe sex have not changed because of a pandemic. They may have shifted however as we are more conscious of who we hook up with considering the risk of Covid-19 transmission in unvaccinated people remains relatively high. It is as vital as ever to take precautions when starting a sexual relationship to protect yourself from STIs, HIV and unplanned pregnancy. See sexualwellbeing.ie for more info.

Talk:
Have the conversation. Talk to your partner about whether or not they have tested positive for STI’s. Discuss safe sex practices and sexual history. Have a chat about consent, and help each other understand your comfort-levels, boundaries, and your likes in the bedroom.

Test:
Get tested if you have any symptoms of sexually transmitted infections. Contact your local STI clinic or GP. In today’s world, add in a Covid-19 test if you have any coronavirus symptoms such as cough, shortness of breath, fever, or changes to your sense of smell or taste. and self-isolate from your partner if possible.

Act:
Practice safe sex by using condoms and birth control. Avoid alcohol or drugs which can inhibit our awareness and result in high-risk sex. Keep an eye on your body and that of your partners for any changes such as a rash, sore, blister, or discharge which may indicate an infection.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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5 changes to expect in your sex life post-undergrad

By Victoria Syphoe

Whether you were in a college relationship, or single and loving it in undergrad, one thing rings true, sex and relationships after college are wildly different. As your whole life shifts into the “real” world, so do your sex life and priorities in your sex life. 

1. You’ve developed a bad sex radar.

Though college relations are oftentimes easy to instigate with countless horny adolescents at your disposal, this doesn’t always mean it’s good sex. Nonetheless, experience is the best teacher. You can better acknowledge what you like and don’t like, and more importantly, recognize the good from the bad. 

2. Masturbation can be your best friend.

Leaving college and starting your adult life can be a bit of a dry spell as your life shifts. Settling into a new job, paying bills, and ‘adulting’ can take your focus off of the ongoing search for a hookup. Don’t get frustrated, self-love is the best love in more ways than one. Knowing how to please yourself will get you very far and can increase your confidence in the bedroom. It can also make it easier to communicate to your partner how to properly please you and avoid awkward fumbling around.

3. There are enough partners to go around.

College relations can cause drama with there being a somewhat limited dating pool. Everyone goes to the same parties, meets the same people, and odds are if you think he’s cute, your friend may too. Luckily, this is less of a concern after college as you are exposed to countless new people in your adult life.

4. Yes, foreplay IS a thing!

Whether rushing to get it in between classes or just dealing with an inexperienced or careless partner, young women everywhere complain about men skipping the foreplay. With age and experience, men realize that foreplay is beneficial for the woman and them too in the long run. Everybody wins. 

5. Finally, no more falling off that twin bed.

As you get further into those 20-somethings you’ll find yourself happy to not have to sneak out of dorms or squeeze onto those uncomfortable twin beds. Enjoy being able to freely roll around in the sheets of beds made for two.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Sex Educators Helping Muslim Women Claim Their Sexuality

By Hafsa Lodi

‘Orgasm’ and ‘Islam‘ are two words you don’t typically see together. I never thought I’d use them in the same sentence and certainly never imagined I’d have the guts to write publicly about sex. It just isn’t something you talk about as a Muslim, especially if you’re female.

And so I can’t help but do a double take when I see the O word used colloquially by female Muslim personalities on social media. A post on @villageauntie’s Instagram states: “My orgasm is not optional.” “Orgasm is one part of a spectrum of sexual pleasure that Allah has created our bodies to experience,” reads a caption by @sexualhealthformuslims. Both platforms are treasure troves of advice, insight and tips tailored for Muslims – invitations to not-so-secret social media networks that work to remove stigma and democratise faith-based discussions about sex.

An Instagram poll of 615 Muslims revealed that growing up, only 9% had any sort of sex ed from a religious framework. Yemeni-British musician Noha Al-Maghafi, known as Intibint, recalls living in Yemen and being instructed to rip out the pages on reproduction from her science book in Year 6. In Year 9, her biology teacher gave her girls’ class a covert lesson on sex ahead of some students’ impending weddings. For other Muslim women, sex ed may amount to a whisper from their mother ahead of their wedding night, reminding them to shower afterwards to purify themselves. What happens in between is often pieced together from gossip, magazines, movies and television shows.

Intentions to shelter young Muslims from education about sex might be well-meaning – an extension of protecting their chastity and overall naivety – but there are far-reaching consequences to promoting this sort of ignorance. Lack of awareness and education about sex can lead to a fear of intimacy, unbalanced sexual roles, unenjoyable sex and, in extreme cases, marital rape. Thankfully, there is a movement brewing to demystify sexual education for Muslims, driven largely by women on social media who are speaking openly about sex. Discussing topics like consent, fertility, ejaculation and orgasms, their guidance is imbued with religious language and emphasises the equality of genders in sexual intimacy.

Sameera Qureshi of @sexualhealthformuslims is an occupational therapist and sexual health educator whose teachings are grounded in Islamic spirituality. A decade ago she was helping Muslim immigrants to acclimatise to Canadian society. Upon realising that sexual health wasn’t being addressed in Islamic schools, she helped to develop and facilitate an “Islamically oriented curriculum” for sexual health. “I just thought, How can we not bring Islam into this, it’s a part of our life,” she explains. Fast-forward to 2021 and Qureshi now offers consultation services, teaches courses and provides free, informative content through her platform. “There are just too many restrictions for Muslims to get this information, and what better way to do it [than] through social media and online courses? Nothing like this exists in terms of there being a journey in sex ed for Muslims – everything is very scattered and piecemeal,” she says.

Angelica Lindsey-Ali (known by her social media moniker, Village Auntie) is an intimacy and relationships expert in America who began discussing sex with groups of Muslim women while living in Saudi Arabia and now offers courses through her Village Auntie Institute. “My work lies at the intersection of the sacred and the sacral – so I like to talk about spirituality while using sex as a framework to have those discussions,” she explains. “Everything I do is focused on women. I’m not really interested in male perspectives just because I think that we’ve been overwrought with male perceptions about sexuality and the female body.”

Orthodox Muslim positions on sex have been interpreted and passed down primarily by men, so seeing Muslim spokeswomen striving to change the narratives around sex in Muslim communities is quite revolutionary. However it isn’t only women who are lifting the veil on sexual awareness and empowerment. Habeeb Akande is a UK-based Muslim historian, sex educator and author of seven books, including A Taste of Honey: Sexuality and Erotology in Islam. To celebrate International Female Orgasm Day on 8th August, he hosted a webinar for men to learn about female pleasure. “I’m passionate about female sensuality and aim to close the gender orgasm gap,” he says. “I believe every man should know how to help a woman climax until she is truly satisfied, and that every woman should understand her body and feel entitled to pleasure from her man.”

Exuding charisma and approachability, these educators are in stark contrast to the often fear-based ‘religious’ sexual discourse, rife with foreboding words like ‘impure’ and ‘haram’ (forbidden), which can perpetuate a cycle of shame. The little information that does seep through the cracks of censorship is often patriarchal, emphasising men’s active role and women’s passivity. “A lot of Muslim scholars incorrectly understand sexual response,” says Qureshi. “They often talk about males having ‘really strong, sexual drives’ and unfortunately this gets relegated to mean that men have no control over their sexual desire, that when they’re aroused, they need sex and that it’s the role of the woman to satisfy that in marriage – not vice versa. This creates an environment that’s very inequitable for sexual pleasure in marriage.”

Conversely, many Muslims emphasise the egalitarianism of the Quran’s message, which refers to spouses as ‘garments’ for one another. Akande points out that in several of his sermons, the Prophet Muhammad urged men to treat women well, which includes being affectionate and providing financial support, sexual fulfilment and emotional security. “Sadly, many women have been raised to believe their body belongs to their father or husband,” he says. “Some even incorrectly believe that Islam permits a man to force himself on his wife and that ‘good women’ do not initiate intimacy with their husbands.” The misconception that sex is just for men needs to be dispelled, believes Akande; in Islam, women have just as much right as men to sexual pleasure. “It is also important to debunk myths regarding male sexual entitlement as some Muslims erroneously believe consent does not exist in marriage,” he adds, explaining that these attitudes stem from cultural understandings and are not aligned with Islamic values. “Oftentimes people conflate Islam with culture, and Islamic teachings with Muslim practices.”

When Akande travelled to Egypt to study Arabic and Islamic law at Cairo’s Al Azhar University, he came across numerous ‘sex manuals’ written by male Islamic scholars – findings that he believes would surprise many Muslims today. “Erotic texts such as Encyclopaedia of Pleasure by Jawami’ Al-Ladhdha and The Perfumed Garden by Al-Rawd Al-Atir emphasised the sexual needs of women and female romantic fulfilment for a pleasurable marital relationship,” he explains, adding that “sexually empowered women have long existed in Islam but their stories are often untold.”

Lifting the lid on this suppression of perspectives is the groundbreaking work of these Muslim ‘sexperts’ and social media has been instrumental in spreading their messages. “It has been one of my best tools for community generation because I can reach those women who live in places where I may never actually get a chance to visit,” says Lindsey-Ali. Muslims can turn to these educators with questions that they feel unable to ask their parents, teachers or spouses and will be met with refreshing responses presented in relatable Instagram posts – from Qureshi’s “Debunking myths about the hymen” and “Muslims and masturbation: a ‘touchy’ subject” to Lindsey-Ali’s “How to improve your stroke game” and “Tips for husbands maximising the possibility of female ejaculation”.

Because these educators’ approaches are rooted in religious beliefs, their teachings are intended for sex within marriage. Akande, however, offers advice for non-married Muslims struggling with desire and lists questions for them to ask potential spouses about sexual compatibility. Qureshi, meanwhile, plans on launching a pre-marital workshop about intimacy later this summer. She also believes that unmarried Muslims can benefit from following her platform. “I’m well aware that there are Muslims engaging in sex before marriage and they’re not doing so with best practices,” she says, adding that she follows a “harm reduction-based” approach which aims to minimise the health and social impacts of a practice without necessarily requiring one to abstain from it. “I’m not here to tell you what to believe, I’m someone who wants to expand the conversation and bring forward perspectives that we haven’t been exposed to, because Allah gave us intellect and we’re ultimately responsible for our decisions,” says Qureshi.

Using their public platforms to discuss topics traditionally relegated to the private sphere has brought some backlash from more conservative critics. Lindsey-Ali has a handful of messages from “creeps” in her inbox and has been told that she will “go to Hell” and Akande has been told that his work is “very inappropriate”. Nonetheless, the increasing number of clients, subscribers, readers and followers is testament to the high demand for their services, and these experts hope this is the beginning of a collective revival of candour when it comes to Muslims and sex. Female sex educator Dr Shaakira Abdullah, who goes by @thehalalsexpert on Instagram, is targeting future generations of Muslims and offers ‘halal sex talks’ courses for parents seeking to discuss sex openly with their children while “keeping them connected to God”.

“Sexually empowered women have long existed in Islam but their stories are often untold. — Habeeb Akande”

From a truly religious standpoint, the work of these educators is hardly radical or rebellious – they are calling for Muslims to return to the foundations of the faith and distinguish religious ethics and values from the patriarchal cultures which have clouded them. Qureshi points out that Islam, as a religion, has been colonised over the past couple of hundred years and that many Muslims have reacted with very purist interpretations. “Going back to our tradition, if we learn about the nature of what it means to be a Muslim and we really expand that to an internal journey, I think the remedy is there,” she says. “Sexual education to some folks seems really minute but if you look at our scripture, it’s a huge topic with so much sacredness.”

The sacredness of womanhood remains a focal point for Lindsey-Ali, who believes that a profound confidence in their faith is driving Muslim women’s spiritual reawakening to their rights in the bedroom. “I think women are going back and looking at the Quran and Islamic texts and saying, ‘Does it really say that?’ and trying to unearth the true teachings of Islam,” she says. In the process they’re learning some valuable lessons, like “My pleasure is just as important as his”.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why does sex hurt?

14 common reasons why intercourse is painful, plus how to prevent it

By Ally Head

So, why does sex hurt? Good question – and, sadly, not one that there’s a straightforward answer too.

Getting intimate and then feeling a stabbing, burning or, well, any kind of pain down there can be a bit of a mood killer, can’t it? Not to mention a worry.

Sex can hurt for a number of reasons, from underlying infections to hidden health conditions. That highlighted, it’s definitely better to deal with it sooner rather than later – no point gritting your teeth and hoping it will go away.

Known medically as dyspareunia, as obstetrician, gynaecologist and ambassador for Wellbeing Sisters doctor Larisa Corda explains, painful sex affects one in ten British women, as per an International Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology study.

And, according to doctor Shree Datta, gynaecologist for intimate wellbeing brand INTIMINA, there are two main types. Superficial dyspareunia – pain at the entrance to the vagina or within it at the point of penetration – or deep dyspareunia – which occurs deep in the pelvis. “Remember that pain can range from a mild irritation to debilitating pain, meaning sex can’t be tolerated, and it may be temporary, intermittent or a long term problem,” she explains.

Both female experts stress that it’s important to discover it sooner rather than later why you may be suffering from pain during sex. Keep reading to decode why does sex hurt, once and for all.

1. Too little lubrication

FYI, one of the most common reasons you’re having to Google, ‘why does sex hurt?’, is because you have too little vaginal lubrication during sex. This is totally normal – a lot of women experience vaginal dryness.

Your vagina lacking moisture can be down to the amount of foreplay before penetration, or even a lack of hormones such as oestrogen around the time of menopause, explains Datta. “If you suffer from medical conditions such as diabetes or depression, this can also affect your sexual libido and enjoyment,” she shares.

Bottom line: many women simply do not produce enough vaginal lubrication, including younger women, adds Samantha Evans, sexual health expert, former nurse and co founder of luxury sex toy retailer Jo Divine.

Try this: Rather than keep Googling why does sex hurt, Evans shares that the use of lubricants can really help. Often GPs will prescribe a hormonal cream or pessary, but many gynaecologists advocate using vaginal lubricants to help nourish the delicate tissues of the vagina. Read out guide to the best lubes to buy over the counter, while you’re here.

2. You may be suffering from a skin condition

Did you know? Underlying skin conditions can actually cause irritation during sex, and condoms may also cause discomfort or burning, particularly if you have an allergy, explains Datta. If your vagina burns after sex, you may have eczema and other genital skin conditions, such as lichen sclerosis.

Try this: Make sure you visit your GP to get your skin condition defined, if you think you may be suffering. From there, they can help you decide the best course of action, explains Corda.

3. You may have vaginismus

Ever heard of vaginismus? If you haven’t, it’s the tightening of your vaginal muscles automatically at the time of penetration, explains Datta. But why does this happen? “It can be caused by a combination of physical and psychological issues,” explains Corda. “Physical causes can include urinary tract infections, sexually transmitted diseases, vulvodynia, skin conditions such as psoriasis or eczema, menopause, and birth trauma.”

Psychological problems, on the other hand, can be caused by emotional or sexual trauma. “A previous painful experience with sex might make it harder to feel aroused and enjoy touch,” explains a spokesperson from Brook Advisory. “It can also make the muscles around the vagina and anus clench (to protect you from the pain you’re worried about) and make penetration difficult and more painful.”

Try this: With the appropriate medical intervention and counselling, the experts share that the problem can be alleviated to enable penetrative sex. Treatment usually involves specialist counselling, pelvic floor exercises, biofeedback training with a women’s health physiotherapist and use of medical dilators or a vibrator or dildo to slowly encourage the vagina to relax and open.

4. You may have an STD

Pain during or after sex can also be a sign of a sexually transmitted disease (STI) or vaginal infection, like a urinary tract infection like cystitis.

“Stinging or burning during sex may be as a result of a sexually transmitted infection, especially if you also experience an unusual vaginal discharge, or an unusual odour,” says Professor Ellis Downes, consultant obstetrician and gynaecologist and spokesperson for vSculpt. “If you have a new sexual partner and have had unprotected sex with him, and are experiencing these symptoms it would be a good idea to have it diagnosed and treated by your GP or at a sexual health clinic.”

Try this: STIs such as Chlamydia or gonorrhoea can have little to no symptoms but vaginal itching or burning, as well as painful sex, might be a sign that you are infected. Visit your GP or GUM clinic for a test. Treatments usually involve antibiotics but your doctor can recommend the next course of action.

5. You might have thrush

Three out of four women will suffer with thrush at some point in their lives, although it’s other infections, such as bacterial vaginosis. As above, UTI’s are also a common reason as to why sex is likely to hurt. Vaginal thrush, in particular, is a common yeast infection, and the main symptoms include painful sex, itching, soreness, stinging, burning when peeing and an odourless discharge.

Try this: You can pick up a DIY test in most pharmacies to determine whether you have thrush or BV, and your pharmacist will be able to recommend the best course of action. It’s usually treated with anti-fungal cream, pessaries, pills or a combination.

6. You could be going through the menopause

According to Corda, during the menopause, women experience a reduction in sex hormones which can lead to both vaginal dryness and sexual pain.

Do note here: Don’t feel embarrassed about this or suffer in silence – as Datta points out, lots of people experience sexual problems at different stages of life. “There is a lot of help out there, so there is no need to deal with this difficulty alone,” she shares. Do book an appointment with your GP if you think your painful sex may be because of menopausal symptoms.

7. Your vagina may be irritated

You’ll likely know that genital irritation can be caused by spermicides, latex or vaginal douching. Some women are allergic to certain products or even their partner’s sperm. Latex products, such as condoms or sex toys, can also cause an allergic reaction, so if you’ve ever experienced an itching or burning sensation when trying new products, then you might’ve had an irritation or allergic reaction which can, in turn, lead to painful sex.

Try this: do be aware of what you are applying to the delicate skin of your genitals. Glycerin – which is often found in flavoured lubes – as well as parabens and aspartame, can cause irritation. Similarly, alkali or acidic lubes can mess with the pH balance of your vagina and cause dryness and itching. Instead, switch to a water-based (not silicon-based) lube, such as Pjur. Another alternative is Sliquid, which is also glycerin- and paraben-free.

Similarly, opt for latex-free condoms and, when using a sex toy, make sure you clean if after use (read how to clean your sex toys, here), recommends Downes. “Some cleaning substances can irritate the vaginal lining, though, so do note that it’s best just to use hot water and natural soap.”

8. You may just not be aroused

“If you’re not physically aroused, touch of any kind can be uncomfortable, especially if it’s somewhere sensitive, like your clitoris or the tip of your penis,” says a spokesperson from the Brook Advisory Clinic. “Being well-lubricated, relaxed and with lots of blood flow in the area (you want either an erect penis or a vulva swell) helps with this, so put plenty of focus on foreplay,” they recommend.

FYI, women especially need warming up before penetrative sex, both physically and emotionally. “If you’re not feeling turned on – that is, if you’re not mentally aroused – touch can be unpleasant. For example, being tickled when you’re feeling playful and silly is usually more fun than when you’re tired or angry,” adds the Brook spokesperson.

Try this: The sexpert suggests spending time enjoying foreplay to significantly improve your sexual pleasure. “There may be times when penetrative sex is not possible, but you can still have great sex without intercourse,” they share.

Corda also adds that, if you’re worried about your lack of libido, counselling could be key to treating these factors and reviving the pain associated with sex. But in the first instance, it’s important to see your doctor to rule out medical causes first and provide the correct treatment.

9. You may be injured

Did you know? “Painful sex can be a sign of damage from previous sex, such as tearing or soreness,” explains a spokesperson from the Brook Advisory Clinic.

Think about it – you wouldn’t go running if you’d twisted your ankle, so try not to have sex super quickly after a particularly enthusiastic session, as it may have resulted in friction that has left you sore.

10. He may be too big

“Even if you’re well lubricated and fully aroused, you may experience pain if a man inserts his penis too quickly or deeply,” says Evans. “The vagina relaxes as you warm up to having sex, and will open more comfortably if the penis enters slowly. Guiding your partner in at your own pace can really help avoid any pain.”

Try this: She explains that often, having sex doggy style can be painful, so try backing onto the penis at your own pace. The same can be said when going on top. Don’t let your partner to pull you down onto their penis if you suffer from painful sex: instead, she recommends slowly lower yourself, controlling the speed and depth of insertion that is comfortable. Got it?

11. You may have a female health condition like endometriosis

Painful sex is a common symptom for women with endometriosis symptoms, which affect two million women in the UK, making many avoid sex altogether. Up to 50% of women with endometriosis have cited painful intercourse, ranging from sharp, stabbing, needle-like pain to a deep ache. It can feel mild to intense, either during sexual intercourse or up to 24 to 48 hours post-coitally, or both.

As well as endometriosis (when the lining of the uterus grows outside the uterus or is thicker than normal), painful sex can also be caused by fibroids (growths of muscle and tissue inside the uterus) growing close to your vagina or cervix, irritable bowel syndrome and constipation.

Try this: Endometriosis – and its flare ups – are unpredictable, so often it feels like there’s no knowing when they may occur. Some women experience pain throughout the month whereas others only experience it at certain times, likely – but not definitely – related to their menstrual cycle. There is no cure for endometriosis but there are treatments that can help with the pain – do visit your doctor if you fear you may have it.

12. If you’ve just given birth, your vagina may be recovering

Wondering why does sex hurt after just giving birth? FYI, giving birth is a beautiful and emotional thing – but also an emotional and physical challenge, too, and you’ll need to take time to recover afterwards. “Childbirth is a formative experience for any woman, and for some it can be traumatic,” says Dr Becky Spelman, psychologist and We-Vibe‘s relationship expert. “Insensitive care practitioners or a difficult or dangerous birth can give rise to a heightened fear of birth, pregnancy, and even sexuality itself. Women who have experienced a traumatic birth often struggle to re-engage with their sexual selves, even when they have recovered physically, and can experience pain with no obvious physical cause,” she explains.

So why exactly is sex painful after giving birth? A number of reasons, from bruising to the vaginal wall is a common reason, explains Downes. “You may also have experienced a tear which will need time to heal completely before you have sex again – doctors recommend at least six weeks but it often takes longer,” she shares.

Why is sex painful? Woman with Legs Raised wearing white shorts lying on bed

13. Your relationship might be under strain

Arguing a lot or working through a stressful patch in your relationship? Ill feeling can actually totally cause painful sex, FYI – it’s a vicious cycle.

“Experiencing emotional pain as a result of conflict within your relationship could lead to painful sex,” says Evans. “Many couples go through an emotional disconnect if one of them is unable to have sex, which in turn can increase the pain levels, thus creating a vicious circle.”

Try this: The sexpert advises that consulting a couples’ counsellor or sex therapist may help – and remember, you are not alone.

14. You could have a hidden health condition

Often painful sex is a sign of a more unusual, difficult to diagnose health issue, explains Evans. Some of the lesser known conditions that could be causing you discomfort during sex include:

  • Lichen Schlerosus – a common condition generally affecting postmenopausal women thought to be linked to an overactive immune system.
  • Vestibulodynia – a condition that makes you feel a burning pain thought to affect 12-15% of women.
  • Vulvodynia – spontaneous burning without an itching sensation.

If you’re worried you have any of the above, do see a doctor.

Is painful sex normal?

Now you’ve read the expert answer to why does sex hurt, we’re sure you’re keen to know if pain during intercourse is actually common. Short answer: yes, but it’s important to see your doctor if sex is painful repeatedly. “It can stop you from enjoying sex or lead to you avoiding sex altogether,” shares Datta – which is not good.

“This can be isolating, affect your mood and cause distress,” she shares. “It could also cause problems in your relationship over time. You may be referred to see a Gynaecologist and we may need to examine and exclude both physical and psychological problems.

Bottom line: pain during sex can be down to a number of different causes. “That’s why sometimes a multi-disciplinary approach is needed to reach an adequate diagnosis and to offer appropriate support,” explains Corda. “This may include psychologists, urologists, gynaecologists, and even dermatologists.”

They’ll be able to allow you to explore the various issues affecting your ability to have or enjoy sex, and your relationship with your partner.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What do you do when your partner has a kink and you don’t?

Kinks are highly subjective and personal

By

We all have fetishes in some form.

Though you may not like to admit it, those chips you dip into your ice cream every Friday night could fall into that category.

They are the quirks and idiosyncrasies which form part of daily existence for many people. Most we turn a blind eye to and forget in a breath, but some can seem atypical, especially in the bedroom.

Kinks, as they are otherwise known, are a normal part of sexual desire. From BDSM to roleplay, exploring these fantasies can be healthy and allow you to define what you crave and don’t.

However, they are extremely personal and intimate. Subjective to the person, not every individual will fancy the same. Others simply don’t like kinks and would rather avoid them.

Each opinion is valid in the sexual realm but what happens when two opposing views come together?

If your partner has a fetish and you don’t, how do you navigate the bedroom?

Trust and and communication are central to a conflict-free solution.

‘It is ok for you to say this is something you are uncomfortable with and I would suggest you put some specific time aside to mention it if it is that significant to them and your sex life,’ relationship coach John Kenny tells Metro.co.uk

‘Tell them that although you appreciate this is something they are into and enjoy, it isn’t something you wish to participate in and hopefully they will respect you enough to accept that.’

Should one feel bad or strange about not liking kinks?

‘No, it isn’t bad,’ John says. ‘We all have our own reasons for enjoying the sexual activities we do.

‘Sometimes kinks come from a traumatic space, unhealthy attachment or a negative relationship with sex. Some are just ways of creating extra sexual excitement and a bigger hormonal or emotional rush. 

‘Some people just enjoy conventional sex and it is enough to satisfy them.’

If you worry your aversion will damage the relationship, John says to question this. Relationships aren’t built on sex alone and mutual respect is more important.

Communication is important

‘A sexual kink isn’t something that should be able to cause a significant issue,’ he explains. ‘If it does – especially for it to be a relationship-ending thing – then the person who puts this importance on it has an unresolved issue. Be mindful of manipulating techniques here in order to get you to conform.’

In contrast, Dr Laura Vowels, principal researcher and therapist at sex therapy app Blueheart, believes that kinks are important – and if yours don’t match up with a partner, it’s okay to decide that this is a dealbreaker.

She says: ‘It is possible that two people’s sexual preferences are so different that they won’t be able to meet each other’s sexual needs and there are times when people prefer to split up and be with different people who are a closer match to their desire.’

However, she notes discussing sexual desire as a whole is extremely beneficial to a relationship.

‘How you negotiate your interests is what matters,’ Laura explains. ‘Most of the time couples can find a way to meet somewhere in the middle as they explore what it is about a specific preference that’s really important to each person.

‘Sexual desire and preferences aren’t static but change and evolve over time. Therefore, you may find that your preferences aligned more initially but become more different as the relationship progresses, or vice versa.’

Dr Vowels adds that exploring kinks can be a liberating experience and if you feel it could be a possibility, take baby steps.

‘You can explore each other’s sexual preferences and boundaries in a safe and loving relationship,’ she says. ‘As a society, we’re not terribly good at talking about sex and there is still a lot of stigmas associated with anything other than a missionary position.

‘However, there’s a world of sexuality out there to explore and open yourself up to. Sometimes people find therapy really helpful and sometimes a patient, loving and respectful partner can help you feel safe enough to open up.’

Yet, she advises to stay within your boundaries and what feels comfortable. Going too fast may hinder you.

‘Experimenting doesn’t mean you will be open to trying everything or that you should try all things,’ she explains. ‘But slowly testing your boundaries to discover new experiences that you may find pleasurable can be really good for you both.

‘Make sure there’s trust, consent and mutual respect and go from there.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How To Practice ‘Sexual Framing’ To Get in the Mood Using Just Your Mind

By Erica Sloan

Having an orgasm is inherently physical in nature, but the mind also plays a profound role in the event. In fact, there’s an entire facet of the experience that happens within a region of the brain called the genital sensory cortex (aka brain crotch), which you can activate with focused mindfulness. Way before you reach orgasm, though, your mental state plays a critical role in the lead-up to sex that involves getting turned on. To zero in on that arousal-boosting mindset, you might consider tapping the psychological concept of framing.

“Framing is all about context or how something is portrayed or presented,” says neuroscientist and sex therapist Nan Wise, PhD.  Typically, this concept is applied to gambling and the frames of mind that make us more or less likely to be risk-averse or risk-cautious. The probability and even the outcome of a situation could be the same in multiple frames, but depending on the way your brain perceives the situation at its onset—that is, the particular frame that’s used—you could act differently.

When applied to a sexual scenario, framing can set you up for arousal by shifting your mind toward a positive outcome to follow. To practice it, though, you’ll need to first address your current frame of mind (whether that’s stressed-out, anxious, or perfectly calm), as well as how you frame sexuality on the whole.

“We’re all conditioned to view our sexuality in different ways based on the set of sexual experiences we’ve had, as well as the cultural, religious, and media messaging around sex,” says Dr. Wise. “So, your first step is to recognize how exactly you’ve internalized all of that in terms of your sexual approach.” Next, shift your mindset into a conducive-for-sex zone, with the help Dr. Wise’s top brain-focused tips, outlined below.

4 ways to use positive sexual framing for arousal, according to a neuroscientist:

1. Visualize sex as an embodied experience.

Think about sex as utterly sensational—in the most literal sense, as satisfying and enjoyable sensations within your body. “We’re so relational in the world, thinking about how we appear to others and how we can take care of other people,” says Dr. Wise. “But in terms of sex, it’s helpful to view it from the outside in.”

To do that, tune into your body before you dive into any kind of sexual act, and do a quick scan. Ask yourself: What’s happening in my body right now? What feels good and what doesn’t? This type of check-in can allow you to be more physically present in the space—and in turn, help you tune into the physicality of a sexual partner, too (if you’re participating in partnered play, that is).

2. Listen to audio erotica.

While visual porn can certainly move you into a sexual mindset, audio erotica is likewise able to facilitate this, but without shifting you out of your own physical space. Essentially, without viewing other people performing sex acts in distant settings, you may be better able to stay focused on your own body and presence. But at the same time, the sex-based language of audio erotica can create an arousing, sex-positive springboard from which your mind can naturally jump to sexual fantasies of your own.

3. Practice body-focused affirmations.

The words we say to ourselves are powerful when it comes to sexual framing, and centering those words on the bodily experience of sex—as opposed to results, outcomes, or the potential perceptions of others—can help return your mind to the physical sensations at hand.

For example, if you’re engaging in foreplay, recognize and identify what you’re feeling and what you enjoy, making a mental (or, heck, verbal) statement of it. Some examples include: “I love how I feel strong or flexible,” or “I like how this part of my body feels,” or “I love what my body can do for me.”

4. Use language that mirrors your—or your partner’s—‘erotic footprint.’

There are tons of different ways to get turned on, and some will resonate more for you than others. If you consider the general pattern or trend of actions that turn you on—what Dr. Wise calls your “erotic footprint”—you can more easily access language that’ll be effective for sexual framing. And this applies to a partner, as well, if you’re aiming to gently shift their frame of mind toward sex, too.

“Speaking a partner’s language can help you both get aroused,” says Dr. Wise. “For example, if they appreciate sentimentality and soulfulness, you could say, ‘I love to gaze into your eyes,’ or if they’re excited by adventure, maybe it’s something like, ‘What are your fantasies? I want to explore those with you.’” What’s more, these statements can help you feel more intimately connected to a partner from the jump—which is a sexual frame of mind, in and of itself.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to talk to your partner about your fetish

FYI, studies have found that being able to communicate your sexual preferences can lead to better sex.

By Ally Head

Knowing how to talk about your fetish can feel tricky at the best of times. When’s the right moment to bring it up? How much detail do you go into? And how do you navigate if your partner isn’t into the same kinks as you?

If you’re on the fence about bringing it up at all, this may convince you. FYI, sexual fulfilment is actually really good for you – one PLoS One study found that, of all the things that impact sexual satisfaction, being open and honest with your partner about your sexual wishes is key.

“Kinky have been found to be mentally healthier than the general population,” shares sexpert Kate Sloan, author of 101 Kinky Things Even You Can Do.

“Some experts think this is because kinky people have to communicate more than vanilla people if they want sexually satisfying relationships. Better communication improves relationship health, sexual satisfaction, and mental health, too.”

We bought you the best sex apps, dating sites and sex positions; condoms, lube and sex toys. For an expert run-down of what a fetish is, how to identify one, and how to broach the subject with your partner, keep scrolling.

What is a fetish?

A fetish is a non-standard sexual interest, explains Sloan. There are many different types of fetish, and fetishes can have different focuses – for example:

  • A body part (e.g. feet, armpits)
  • An object (e.g. corsets, gloves)
  • An activity (e.g. spanking, bondage).

“Some people’s fetish might be their entire sexuality, effectively playing the same role in their life that ‘vanilla’ (non-kinky) sex does for people who lack any fetishes,” she continues. “However, for others, a fetish is just a special interest that they partake in some of the time.”

How do you identify if you have a fetish?

You would likely know if you had a fetish, shares the sexpert. “In many cases, it makes itself fairly obvious fairly early,” she says. “My spouse has an erotic hypnosis fetish, for example, and first noticed it when they were a kid and would feel deeply captivated and – yes, turned on – by scenes featuring hypnosis in movies like The Jungle Book.”

A ‘kink’, on the other hand, is usually considered to be a milder version of a fetish. “Think of a non-standard sexual interest that isn’t as pivotal to your sexuality as a fetish might be,” Sloan shares. FYI, kinks can be harder to identify.

Try this: if you find yourself feeling consistently drawn to particular kinky themes, perhaps in the porn you watch or the erotica you read, it could be worth doing some soul-searching. “Try and figure out whether your interest in that kink is just theoretical or if it’s something you actually want to try,” she explains.

Why might the notion of ‘coming out’ to a partner about a fetish be scary?

Feeling a little anxious about discussing your fetish with your partner? That’s actually pretty normal.

“Some people are put off by fetishes,” Sloan expands. She reassures that a partner who cares about your pleasure and happiness will hopefully be able to see your fetish the way you do: as a creative, fulfilling, and fun potential component of your sex life together.

How to talk to a partner about a fetish: 5 tips 

Keen to learn the best practice for disclosing your secret kinks? Keep scrolling.

1. Stay positives

Remember for the most part that kinks and fetishes are meant to be fun and pleasurable – so should be spoken about in the same way.

“When bringing it up, focus on explaining what turns you on about it and what you think you’d find hot about it if the two of you tried it together,” she recommends. Why not start the conversation by asking, ‘You know what would really turn me on?’ or ‘You know what I’ve been fantasising about a lot lately?’.

2. Use media references

That way, your partner will have more contextual reference points. If you want to ask your partner to spank you, for example, you could say:

‘There was a jiggle balls scene in the Fifty Shades of Grey movie that I thought was hot. Have you ever used something like that?’

“This might make bringing it up easier and less scary,” says Sloan.

3. Offer resources to your partner

Again, this is another easy way to help them understand. “You could show them a fetish book, like 101 Kinky Things Even You Can Do, or you could look up videos together on a site like Kink Academy that show what you’re interested in doing,” Sloan explains.

FYI, many people get nervous about their partners’ kinks because they don’t know what they’re actually expected to do in order to fulfil those fantasies. “Showing them what you find hot can be helpful,” Sloan highlights.

4. Take it slow

Remember that, no matter how long you’ve fantasised about it, that it’s still new territory for both of you. “Don’t expect your partner to be some kind of kinky robot, fulfilling your exact fantasy in the exact way you imagined,” recommends the sexpert.

Also remember that they’re a human being, not an actor for you to cast in your pre-existing erotic fantasy.

Try this: ask them what they find hot about your kink or fetish, if anything – or at least, which components of it seem less scary and intimidating to them. “You may have envisioned your partner playing the role of a strict disciplinarian, but maybe all they can muster at first is some mild bossiness – and that’s okay,” Sloan says. “Try not to rush them.”

5. Roleplay can be a good way in

Sloan points out that it’s often easier to handle sexual uncertainty if you’re playing a character. “Maybe you and your partner aren’t confident enough yet to do a full-on bondage and tickling scene. Why not do one while pretending to be a supervillain and superhero, or a drill sergeant and a new recruit, or a dominatrix and her client?” suggests Sloan.

“This can be an imaginative and low-pressure way to wade into a new kink together.”

Good fetish resources

Want to read up a little before you talk to your partner, or simple keen to explore more? The following resources might help.

  • 101 Kinky Things Even You Can Do, Sloan’s book, contains much more information about kinks, fetishes, and introducing them into your sex life, whether you have a partner or are single.
  • Kink Academy is a great website on which many esteemed sex and kink educators have posted videos of themselves explaining (and often, demonstrating) various kinks and fetishes.
  • Sex writer Violet Blue has released a number of books relevant to this topic, including The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy and Fetish Sex. Tristan Taormino’s The Ultimate Guide to Kink is also excellent.
  • Kink podcasts such as The Dildorks, which Sloan cohosts, Off the Cuffs, and Why Are People Into That? are easy-to-digest accessible resources for kink newbies.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is it time to explore the benefits of sex journalling?

By Lucy Tomeka

For quite the conservative society that we live in, allow me to be a little unconventional and ask; why is sex talk such a taboo? Even amongst married couples and those in long-term relationships, this tends to be a hush-hush conversation, only to be held in certain confinements.

I recently watched a hit series on Netflix called Sex Life and boy did that get me thinking. And before you label me naughty and whatever else prejudicial judgement popped up, I simply mean it gave me an idea that may help us and those coming after us get out of the funk we at times find ourselves in, especially long-term partners.

This part of our lives that we’d rather blissfully not talk about is one that causes way too many rifts so it then hit me, why not do what I do best when I can’t talk? Why not write down your thoughts? We have all gone through the journalling phase as we grew up.

However, much like those very personal inputs you guarded with your life back then, why not try a sex journal in your adulthood?

What is a sex journal you ask?

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Sex journalling is just that: journalling with a focus on your sex life, your sexuality, and whatever else that means to you. There are no rules while doing it and you get to decide the tone, what to track and when, with whom to share it with, and ultimately, how to integrate your findings into your sex life.

We may want to have all the control over many things including our sex life, but like many things in life, our pleasure will rise and fall according to what nature dictates. Some days you are on cloud erotica, while on other days your body simply refuses to cooperate.

If you’re open to the process, a sex journal can help you reflect on your experiences, desires, and fantasies. That way, you know exactly what tickles your fancy. “I would keep one because I’d like to refer to it when I want to spice things up and also because it sounds like something I would enjoy doing,” says Nikki Kassim, a local businesswoman.

A safe space

I bet you thought I would get into the ins and out of sex but I would much rather explore the benefits and ways of creating a safe, secure and comfortable environment for you and your spouse or partner and maybe just for yourself, to understand yourselves better.

This could range from anything about preferences, places, fantasies, no-go areas, vulnerabilities, and any other thing that makes you tick.

It is not purely negative or positive that you only put in the best and worst experiences; rather it is your safe place to put down all that concerns your body and mind.

For example, women are in large ruled by hormones throughout the month. We have high and happy days, cool, calm and collected days and we have days that even the devil himself wouldn’t try us. Based on my little yet ever-evolving understanding of the female species, I have come to appreciate just how helpful a sex journal would be.

“Sex communication affects individuals in both positive and negative depending with their personalities and orientations,” explains Mr Justus August, an Applied Psychologist for Hatua Therapies & Consultancy in Tanzania.

“For introverted individuals, they tend to find it difficult to communicate their desires or dislikes about sex openly and as a result when forced or ought to communicate, this lowers their self-esteem which will directly affect their feelings when it comes to sex,” he says.

“For extroverted individuals it is likely to affect them positively if they have extroverted partners. A sex journal may prove beneficial to some people but this is subject to culture as sex is to some extent guided by cultural principles.”

Deep seated conditioning

Opening up to having a conversation about sex leaves one feeling vulnerable and exposed. This I attribute largely to the deep seated cultural, traditional and religious conditioning.

For many, it is either religion guides you to do this and culture or tradition guides you to do that; but when it comes to not talking about sex, these factors somehow find symphony and merge into one guide.

Men, unlike women, rarely have the sex talk or at least to the degree that the girl child is taught. Women are taught in kitchen parties and have all sorts of racy conversations at saloons but men don’t have similar platforms.

“I think sex miscommunication affects individuals in a sense that most of them end up feeling trapped in a cave that they cannot get out of and for men it’s even worse and is one of the reasons that lead to infidelity and people deciding to try things out with partners outside of their relationships,” says Michael Baruti, host of Men, Men, Men, The Podcast.

“Since talking about sex is a taboo even in adult relationships, the failure to explore what you and partner both want just because you can’t communicate about it might be very detrimental for any relationship,” he adds.

Many of these relationships end up in a funk, stagnant with couples being sexually bored and some find alternative ways to deal with their boredom and dissatisfactory situations.

Journal your way into a sexscapade

In the Netflix series, Sex Life; the young wife and mother of two, finds herself sexually frustrated with a less than attentive husband. Even though her life is the stuff of jealousy and she has all the money, time and luxury she could want, she feels her life still lacks something.

She then begins to journal her past experiences and one day, after being so exhausted with mother duties, forgets to shut down her laptop as she went to put the baby down and fell asleep as well.

When she came downstairs in the morning, she was horrified to find that her husband had read her entries. He however surprised her and used it as a manual to better their sex life.

The beauty about this series was that it is based on the true story and events of author B.B. Easton in her memoir, ‘44 Chapters About 4 Men.’

There are plenty of benefits from owning a sex journal. Some may be long-term, short-term while others are mutually beneficial for both you and your partner.

You learn more about your sex drive

By tracking your sex life, you can be able to see the patterns that influence your decisions in the bedroom.

A sex journal can help you process your experiences

Very few of us spend hours us thinking about our sexuality and what we enjoy. True, lots of people spend hours fantasizing, but most of us don’t think about our sex lives in non-sexual, introspective ways. Having a sex journal gives you that push.

When you write these things down, you can contextualise emotions and put things into perspectives.

Sex journalling might make it easier to communicate with your partner

Many women are coy on sex matters if the tens of posts I have come across on various social media platforms are anything to go by. You are thinking, “If I tell him that I don’t like it this way, it may cause a rift between us.” For peace to reign, you play the pretence card.

By keeping a sex journal, like our lead from Sex Life, you leave a subtle invitation to your partner to learn more about you and your body. For openness, it is best that both of you keep the journal and exchange notes. That way, it is a win-win situation.

A sex journal prompts you to think of new things

You review your journal, but then you note that in many entries the pattern is leaning in one direction. Boring, right? A sex journal is your rescue. Because by noting the patterns, you can spice things.

Mental clarity

Now more than ever, at the advice of counselors and therapists, many individuals are warming back to journalling.

Journalling for some, myself included, has been stress relieving and helps put down things and thoughts that you may otherwise forget. This will help you keep track all toxic traits and other behaviours you may want to change and may also give you something positive to look back on and pat yourself on the back for in terms of growth and advancement.

Those mental health benefits go far beyond your brain. Studies show that reducing intrusive thoughts, ditching toxic, self-deprecating habits, and controlling stress can all improve your libido and help you connect deeper with your partner.

Helps you track traits

Moreover, journalling can help you become more self-aware and pinpoint unhealthy patterns that may be negatively impacting your sex life, such as the partners you’re choosing, the boundaries you’re setting or lack thereof, insecurities you might have, and so on.

If you have a tendency to project past insecurities onto new people, a sex journal will definitely help you pinpoint these weak spots and that state of vulnerability just might be the turn the page you so desperately need to break out of that cycle.

Wondering where to start?

Incase by now you have decided to give this absolutely crazy idea a chance but you are still unsure of how to go about it, here are a few questions that could guide you;

• How was your last sexual experience? How was it different from your first experience?

• What were you taught about sex as you grew up? What did you not know that you feel you needed to know?

• What are your arousal levels during different times of your menstrual cycle?

• What are your arousal levels compared to your stress levels and mental health?

• How present did you feel in your body?

• Were there any emotional or physical blocks that you noticed? How deeply are they connected to your upbringing?

• What acts are you currently curious or fantasizing about?

• What struggles have you had with your sexuality?

As era evolves into the next era, there are lessons we need to be adept at teaching our young ones because burying our heads in the sand simply means that the world will do the teaching for us and if our experiences are anything to go by, the world isn’t such a kind teacher.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why I Refuse to Label My Sexuality

For some people, sexuality labels are grounding and empowering. For others (ahem, me), choosing one feels downright impossible.

By Amanda Chatel

I love labels. One look at my closet, especially my ever-growing designer shoe collection, is proof that labels are something I’m very much into — as superficial as that may sound. Maybe there’s a shoe out there for a quarter of the price of a Christian Louboutin flat, but at the end of the day, it’s not the same. So, I’m going for the Louboutin. What can I say? I love those red bottoms and people knowing that I’m rocking the brand. Again, I know this is superficial and shallow. We can blame the Libra in me.

But while I love the labels on my clothes and on my shoes, I don’t them on me. I know that as a cisgender, white woman (and Libra!), these are labels I can’t escape; they’re facts about me that, upon meeting me for the first time, are pretty evident. What’s not so clear, however, is my sexuality.

I have often asked myself, “Where am I on the spectrum?” I don’t feel comfortable calling myself “gay,” because that’s not completely accurate. I’m realizing, as I get older, the straight label I hid behind for the first half of my life doesn’t really fit anymore, either. As for being bi, I’m overcome with imposter syndrome, wondering if I’m “bi enough” to declare myself as such, especially as I see bisexuals being questioned for their sexuality, both in the straight and queer communities. I find this mostly is the case for my bisexual male friends who, far too often, are the subject to the archaic adage that being bisexual is just a layover on the way to being gay. (See: Read This If You’ve Ever Worried That You’re “Not Queer Enough”)

Although the Kinsey Scale (published in 1948 by sexologist Alfred Kinsey, M.D.) is often cited as being outdated, it was on the right track. The scale is presented as a sort of graph, in which a zero (on the far left side) represents experiencing purely heterosexual attraction and a six (on the far right side) represents experiencing entirely homosexual attraction. It was created to account for research findings that showed people did not fit into exclusive heterosexual or homosexual categories. This scale acknowledged that bisexuality exists, and defined it as being “equally heterosexual and homosexual” at number three on the scale, with both numbers two and four making room for people’s ability to not be strictly 50/50 in their sexuality. In the study published with the scale, the researchers also wrote, “The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects.” This may have been Dr. Kinsey’s way of alluding to the fact that, yes, sexual fluidity is real.

Since high school, I’ve found myself attracted to both men and women. It was one woman in particular who, for the first time ever, made me question my sexuality. I was 16, she was 17, and the few times we interacted, I could feel every ounce of blood in my body rush to my face as I stumbled over my words to talk to her. She had the same effect on me as the boys I had crushes on back then. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to kiss her, sit next to her and watch movies for hours, or be the little spoon to her big spoon. I just knew I wanted to be near her.

I’ve only had “serious” relationships with men, and only few (like, four) at that. As for dates, flings, and one-night stands, they’ve included both men and women. While I sometimes find myself leaning toward men, sexually, I also find myself leaning toward women when it comes to seeking companionship and a loving, committed relationship. When I try to envision whom I’d ideally like to grow old with, I don’t picture a man or a woman. I picture a person. Someone who makes me laugh, someone who calls me out on my B.S. when necessary, and someone who’s willing to put up with my idiosyncrasies for the long haul. And, because I see a person, it makes me double down on wanting an unlabeled sexuality. Frankly, I just don’t see the point in picking something.

“Finding a label for yourself is an incredibly personal process, and honestly, some people are overwhelmed by it,” says sex educator Cassandra Corrado. “If you find a label that fits you perfectly now, that’s great! And if you prefer to stick with an unlabeled sexuality, that’s perfect, too. Labels can help us situate ourselves in the world and better understand ourselves. They’re the lens through which we understand ourselves, our relationships, and how we might engage with things like sexual expression and gender presentation. Some people are empowered by them, but others are overwhelmed.”

I feel like slapping a label on myself not only puts me in a box, narrowing things too much for who and what I am and what I desire.

I do find the idea of labeling my sexuality to be overwhelming. I’m fortunate enough to live in a time where there are so many labels to choose from, and I applaud anyone who has found a label that fits them and is happy with it. I also applaud anyone who has changed their label over time, because sexuality is so fluid, and sometimes what fits for one stage in life no longer fits for another stage. I believe that sexuality and who you’re attracted to evolves over time and slides up and down the continuum Dr. Kinsey mentioned in his work. I feel like slapping a label on myself not only puts me in a box, narrowing things too much for who and what I am and what I desire, but it also leads to stereotypes — especially when it comes to how straight men perceive bisexual women. (Far too many times straight men have asked me if I’m bi and when I say no, nine times out of 10 they’ve expressed disappointment that their fantasy of having a threesome has suddenly been taken from them. Honestly, I wonder how these types of straight guys would actually fare if they had the opportunity to be with two women, but that’s a whole other story.)

“People might opt to stay unlabeled for many reasons; they may not see themselves in the labels they know, they might feel like their desires and understanding of their identities are still in flux, or because stigma has pushed them away from the label that feels like the best fit,” says Corrado. “Others may find labels restrictive. Ultimately, the important thing is to let people define who they are for themselves — whether or not that involves a specific label.” (Related: It Took Me Until Age 32 to Live Fully As My Polyamorous, Bisexual Self — and I’m a Sex Therapist)

Maybe someday I’ll find a label that works for me, that encompasses everything I am into one word, but I doubt it. One word just doesn’t seem to cut it when it comes to my sexuality. To quote from Walt Whitman’s “Song of Myself,” whose own sexuality has been debated by historians:

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself;
(I am large, I contain multitides.)
— “Song of Myself” by Walt Whitman

I contain multitudes. Whether it’s my sexuality, my political affiliations, my atheism, or even my disdain for pineapple on pizza. I’m not one thing; I am many things. And, honestly, my (unlabeled) sexuality is far from the most intriguing thing about me, so why do I have to try and search for an apt label to define it? I don’t, so I won’t. I just know that when I fall in love again, it will be with the person, who they are, their passions, their ability to empathize, their sense of humor, how we make each other feel, and all that good stuff. It certainly won’t have anything to do with what they happen to have between their legs.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Better BDSM Negotiation For Sexier Play

By Sarah Sloane

In our culture, many of us have this fantasy — let’s call it “magical knowing” — that if our partner is really into us, they will magically be able to automatically know what we need, and what feels good for us, without us having to say it.

It permeates our culture; think about all of the movies where the protagonist says no but their (more dominant) partner somehow knows that they really mean yes, or the books where a first erotic encounter with a new person is filled with fireworks and mutual orgasms (yes, Harlequin Romance, I’m looking at you). This isn’t only bad news for new connections; it builds into ongoing relationships the idea that if our partner really loves us (or even just knows us well enough), they’ll be able to intuit what we want without us having to say a word.

Because what we do often involves physical or emotional risks, folks who participate in BDSM or kinky play preach against magical knowing. In fact, one of the first things that you’ll see BDSM educators (and sexuality educators of all kinds) talk about is the importance of negotiation. For kinksters, this includes communicating your needs, wants, and boundaries to a potential partner in order to create a mutually pleasurable scene (A scene, if you’re not familiar with kink jargon, is a term used for session & activities you plan to do together).

But for lots of novice kinky folks (as well as for some more experienced ones), the idea of scene negotiation can feel really unsexy. It can feel like an interruption in the flow: having to stop in the middle of a hot flirtation session to try to turn your rational brain back on and do some logic problems when all you want to do is Get It On.

And you know what? Yeah. It can definitely be unsexy, especially if you’re dealing with it in a clinical way, or if you were always taught that you should negotiate kink or sex as if you’re trying to figure out a pizza order for a group of 20.

The style of negotiation that relies on comprehensive tests taken and exchanged ahead of time, or approaches it checklist-style, may be an option for some — but it definitely misses the boat, and can in fact cause some bad assumptions to arise that end up making a date not so great.

But there’s hope! In between those two unhealthy (and unrealistic, in the case of magical knowing), polar opposites exists a glorious world where negotiation can not only help us avoid negative outcomes, but also make those mind-blowing experiences happen more consistently in our lives.

1. Negotiate A Connection

First, I invite you to consider that negotiation starts the moment that you start thinking about how you and your potential partner might want to connect. Do they have the kind of attitudes and perspectives that make you feel comfortable with them? Do they check in with you on what feels good for you? Honest, empowered negotiation starts with a sense of connection & trust in the other person, regardless of which side of the action you want to be on (or whether you even want to limit yourself to a single role). The more that we trust that our needs will be met and our boundaries will be respected, the more that we’re likely to be able to relax into the intimacy of the play space and deeply enjoy it.

Thinking about negotiation as a way of cultivating a connection runs counter to the more common “what’re you into?” conversation where one just starts to list off their interests in a way that can be so impersonal.

There is no reason that you need to have a checklist or take a BDSM quiz in order to be able to negotiate. For newer folks, it’s hard to have a sense of what we might like – and what we might not – when we may not have ever experienced it. And for more practiced folks, we may find that our “yes” is less about the activity itself than it is about the person’s skill set and passion. Now, some of us really love our checklists — I’m not here to yuck your yum, for sure, but the presence of a “yes” or “no” on a checklist misses nuances that might open up a world of pleasure for your playtime.

A great way to start the more “formal” part of negotiation is to think about what you know about the person and what turns you on about them. Is it their confidence? The way that their eyes flicker down when they talk about sex? Did you see them using a flogger, or respond to a sensation play scene at a local play space? Whatever it is — tell them. Starting the conversation by telling them what attracts you to them, and how you’d like to capture that in your scene or in your relationship connection, can help provide a foundation for you to expand on.

Ask them what they would like to get out of playing with you, as well. Do they want to feel owned? Powerful? Skillful? Taken care of? Do they want to push their physical limits a bit further? Reach a transcendent state? Or do they love to laugh and want to be playful? Creating space for them to talk about the bigger desires they have for your scene centers them as a co-creator of the experience, and builds empowerment towards consent.

2. Brainstorm Activities That Nurture The Desired Connection

Once you’ve talked about what turns you on about your play partner, and you’ve spent some time chatting about the way that you want to feel when it’s all wrapped up, start digging into activities.

Yeah, this list of activities is often it can start to feel like a checklist (or where folks show off their quiz results). But I’m encouraging you to think about things in more depth than just do you like being tied up, yes or no?

For starters, what does your partner know they like to experience, or perform? What have they had negative experiences with — and what were those experiences due to? Do they want to challenge assumptions or revisit things that they’ve tried before with varying levels of success? Are they curious about trying something new? Toss it all out on the table, as much as you feel safe with doing so. Just because one of you is interested in something doesn’t mean that the other person is obligated.

I hope that you have lots of options on the table that are (at least somewhat) on everyone’s “yes!” list. But even if you don’t, pick out just one or two things that feel hot. You don’t need to have a session that requires a huge toy bag and three costume changes (unless, of course, that’s what turns you on); a single toy or a small set of directives can make for a pretty pleasurable scene! If you do have tons of options – here’s your chance to edit it down. A mistake that I made as a novice top was to try to use lots of different toys during an SM scene – so I’d pull out multiple floggers, paddles, a cane, a crop, etc…and I got so busy trying to switch between toys to get to all of the different implements in the scene that I wasn’t as connected to the energy & flow of the session as my partner deserved. Having a goal of using just a few items – or a single one – lets you play with pacing, different sensations, and … wait for it … anticipation!

Once you’ve decided (at least initially) on what you’re going to do, it’s time to make sure that you mark the territory that you want to explore. How do you do that? Boundaries! Negotiating the “no’s” isn’t always a clear-cut “don’t hit here” or “don’t call me ___” — it also includes what and how you’ll both recover from it if something happens. The reality is that many issues that arise are not because of rules that were broken, but they’re due to an error that wasn’t corrected or went under the radar.

3. Don’t Rely Exclusively on Safewords When Trouble Arises

Safewords, while often discussed as part of negotiation, aren’t the infallible tool for communication that we might want them to be. First of all, the onus is on the bottom / submissive / receiving person to call a safeword, and while that might make sense, it doesn’t take into account the underlying reasons that might prevent someone from using a safe word. Some folks can get into a non-verbal state during play; some people may also be unwilling to use a safe word because they don’t want the play to stop for a variety of reasons (including worrying that they will upset their partner). And for the top or dominant person, there are some of the same issues that may hold them back from alerting their partner if one of their boundaries has been crossed.

There are ways to navigate this, though! We can decide that using a safeword only creates a “pause” in the action so that clear communication can happen before moving forward. We can also ask each other what they might say, or do, if they’re reaching a point that’s uncomfortable — some people who are experienced may already know this, but even for novices, they may be able to clearly identify at least one thing that they know about how they handle stress or pain that’s useful for their partner to know to look out for. A common reaction for pain, for example, is to pull away from the sensation; for many bottoms, they will pull away but then relax back into their original position (or even lean closer to their partner) as part of a pleasurable session, and so if they pull away and stay tense, it may indicate that they’re overwhelmed and may need a check-in or to have the sensation stop at that level.

4. Watch For Nonverbal Cues

The negotiation doesn’t end once the scene has started. We negotiate with our bodies as well as with our words. Paying attention to our partner’s reactions to what’s happening can provide tremendous insight, and are “additive” in a way that allows each subsequent scene to be even more intuitive and more intimate! Are they clearly breathing harder? Is their body relaxing instead of tensing up? Are their noises sounding more pleasurable? When we respond in a particular way, does our partner shift their actions (or even their energy) in a way that feels good to us? Pay attention to the little things; often, our bodies know (and show) what our brains can’t put into words.

The difference between an adequate session and an amazing session comes down to our ability to combine our trust in our boundaries and our intuition; and as we build both better verbal negotiation skills along with paying mindful attention to each moment as we’re exploring, we can bring those into alignment and allow ourselves to take a journey with our partner that transcends the norm.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Posted on

A contract covering sex and housework could save your relationship

— Here’s how to make one

By Julia Naftulin

  • Author Mandy Len Catron says making a contract for her relationship has kept it healthy.
  • Catron told NPR she and her partner revisit the contract every six months so they’re on the same page.
  • The contract includes a date night quota, a clause about alone time, and a mission statement.

Couples should have a written contract that covers sex, housework, alone time and date nights, author Mandy Len Catron told NPR.

Catron, who penned the viral New York Times’ essay “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This” in 2015, believes contracts are the key to happy and healthy relationships.

“Every relationship is contractual, we’re just making the terms more explicit,” Catron told NPR.

Catron said she first encountered the concept in the book “The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels.” Afterwards, she said she and her boyfriend Mark sat down and created their own relationship contract. She said it felt “empowering” and “amazing” to voice her needs and insecurities and “make space for them.”

How to create a relationship contract

To create a useful and realistic contract, you have to establish expectations, according to Catron.

She told NPR it’s important to remember your romantic partner shouldn’t be your only source of emotional support, intellectual banter, and fun. Instead, remember to lean on family and friends for some of your relational needs, and go into contract creation with that mindset.

Next, you and your partner should determine what to include in the agreement, like daily chores, personal and professional goals, finances, family time, and sex and intimacy.

Catron said a relationship contract is individual to each couple, so you can be as creative as you’d like. She said hers starts with an opening statement about why she and her boyfriend are in a relationship, which reads:  “We aspire to help each other be more ethically minded and generous friends, community members and global citizens.”

It also includes a date night quota, details about who pays for dates, and a clause to make space for alone time. 

Revisit and revise your contract every 6 months

Catron and Mark revisit their contract every six months, she told NPR. This way, it doesn’t feel like a strict legally binding agreement, and instead feels like collaboration. 

“It really made me feel like a co-creator in this process, as opposed to someone who is just sort of sitting back and letting the relationship go wherever it’s going to go and hoping for the best,” Catron told NPR.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!