Tag: sex and relationship advice

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The female orgasm

— How exactly does it work?

BY EVANGELINE POLYMENEAS

Let’s get that O.

Many have looked far and wide in search of the elusive female orgasm. Those who have experienced one from penetrative sex have the power to congregate vulva owners everywhere to tell the tale of how they reached climax. The journey is filled with awkward moments, queefs and repetitive movement but they’ve lived to tell the tale and the rest of us want answers.

There is a myriad of myths surrounding the female orgasm and an oversaturation of misinformation. When I Googled it, millions of results appeared all promising 11 different types of female orgasms. If there are so many options, why is it so hard to get just one?

Too many of my friends answer a resounding ‘no’ to the question of whether they orgasmed during their latest sexual escapade, so I spoke to sex and pleasure coach, Clarke Rose, in an attempt to understand why.

“There is a huge orgasm gap. A lot of people with vulvas aren’t cumming,” Clarke tells me. So it’s a national pleasure emergency. Maybe we just don’t know what we’re searching for, so what is an orgasm exactly?

“An orgasm is such an expansive thing to define,” Clarke says. “I like to think of orgasms in a non-clinical sense as a high index of pleasure for anybody who’s feeling it. Technically speaking, it’s a peak of intense pleasure that sometimes creates altered states of consciousness and is usually accompanied by involuntary rhythmic contractions of the pelvic floor.”

Essentially, euphoria. That sounds all well and good, but what about the other 10 orgasms Google promised? I ask Clarke whether there are different sorts of female orgasms and the answer was not what I was expecting.

“Yes and no. Orgasm can be stimulated from different parts of your body, [for example], some people can have an orgasm from their nipples being stimulated, some from anal sex, others from penetration, but they all achieve the same orgasm. It’s not like you have a vaginal orgasm or a clitoral orgasms. They are all the same thing, they are just being stimulated from a different area.”

Clarke notes that only 30 per cent of women can trigger orgasm from internal stimulation and that percentage doesn’t differentiate between whether the penetration was accompanied by clitoral stimulation or not. She attributes this low percentage to differences in anatomy. “It’s a matter of how much your urethral sponge, which sits right about the G-spot, is sensitive and full of erectile tissue.”

Clarke says we tend to hierarchise female orgasms in ways that we don’t with male orgasms. “For a woman, people ask whether they can cum from their clit, or vagina, or whether they can have a nipple orgasm, whereas with men, no one is asking if they had a blowjob orgasm, or a penetrative orgasm – their orgasms just get to be orgasms.”

Penis owners seem to orgasm so easily, so I wondered if there was a difference between male orgasms and female orgasms. “Anatomically speaking it’s super interesting because a person who has a penis, orgasms for biological reasons,” Clarke explains. “They need to orgasm to ejaculate for the sperm to come out and make a baby.”

She goes on to explain that there is no biological need for females to orgasm. At first, this idea might seem anti-feminist, but Clarke explains that it’s actually quite interesting. “When we were foetuses, we were made up of all the same parts [as males], we [females] just develop differently. People with vulvas got this ability to orgasm because men can, which is a fantastic bonus to our sexuality without the pressure of needing to [orgasm] every time or we fail.”

Despite the lack of biological pressure to orgasm, a lot of vulva owners can’t seem to reach climax with partners but have less of a problem on their own. So what’s the barrier that’s stopping many of us from achieving the big O?

“When we are with somebody, other things come up – maybe we are a little bit self-conscious, or afraid to ask for what we want, or are too focused on our partners,” Clarke explains. “Whereas when we are on our own, we can make whatever weird face we want. A lot of women also use toys to masturbate which makes it really easy. However, when you’re with a partner and they are just using their hand or tongue, it doesn’t compare to whatever eight-speed vibrator you have at home. It can be a bit more difficult for your body and mind to recognise that as a trigger for orgasm.”

Although there are definitely micro reasons that could prevent partner orgasms, women’s orgasms have been repressed at a cultural level as well. “Our culture prioritises male anatomy and male pleasure. We all understand the anatomy of a penis, it’s so drilled into our heads, but we don’t understand the anatomy of a vulva. Historically we have repressed women’s sexuality. We want women to be receptive, polite and pleasing and not cause a big fuss,” explains Clarke.

Men have seen themselves in porn and in sex scenes in film and television ask for what they need sexually and receive it. They have heard the language required to ask, but women haven’t. It seems unnatural to ask for what we want, and Clarke says a lot of men probably don’t know how to listen without their ego getting involved.

“If you can’t orgasm and it’s really stressing you out, you’re not alone. There are a lot of women who can’t. Definitely look into seeing a sexologist or a sex coach if it’s something you want to work on,” says Clarke. The female orgasm is complex and it’s complicated, but we all deserve to reach it if we want to.

“Women put a lot of pressure on themselves to orgasm a certain way,” Clarke says. “Whether you cum with a vibrator, or by your hand, or whether you can cum on your own or with a partner – however you orgasm is valid. Period. Don’t put extra stress on yourself to cum upside down with mind stimulation – however you cum is beautiful.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Beginner’s Guide To Watching Feminist Porn

Everything you need to know to access foreplay fodder that is female-led, queer-inclusive, and beyond simply glorifying the male orgasm.

By Shamani Joshi

As an industry, porn – or at least the male-gaze kind most of us are familiar with – is pretty fucked up.

Whether it’s X-rated platforms suggesting sexually violent videos to first-time users or allowing unverified uploads of non-consensual deepfakes, the mainstream porn industry we’ve come to know clearly doesn’t pass the vibe check.

This space, dominated by cisgender heteronormative men, has led to a chain of sexual abuse and harassment for countless adult entertainers. It’s also one that’s actively consumed by more men than women. This results in deeper real-life consequences, especially given that porn often serves as a substitute for sex education for teenagers.

“This is worrying because mainstream porn doesn’t make for good sex ed,” Ms Naughty, an award-winning feminist porn filmmaker who preferred we use her screen name since she keeps her personal life separate from her job, told VICE. “In [mainstream] porn, sex is done primarily for an audience, the positions benefit the camera, there is a focus on penetration, and it typically doesn’t show the best way for women to orgasm.”

Porn could then potentially damage men’s perception of women’s sexual desires, impact how women react to their own bodies and desires, or even lead to sexual dysfunction. A 2017 study in The Journal of Sex Research found that in the 50 most viewed videos on Pornhub, only 18.3 percent of women are explicitly shown climaxing on-screen, as compared to 78 percent of men – reinforcing the patriarchal stereotype that the male orgasm is the ultimate aim of heterosexual sex.

Fortunately, even the porn industry has experienced a feminist upheaval over the last decade, thanks to feminist filmmakers like Ms Naughty, who are leading the charge for porn that aligns with feminist ideals, captures diversity, and ensures its creators are paid fair wages.

Feminist porn, like feminist everything, comes with its share of stereotypical misconceptions. Many like to believe it is merely a male-bashing space, while others feel it is filled with vanilla sex that is simply soft and sensual.

“Feminist porn tries to decentralise the male orgasm by moving beyond penetration and the cum ‘money’ shot and create a diverse representation of bodies, sexualities and relationship models,” Paulita Pappel, a feminist porn producer and intimacy coordinator, told VICE.

According to Pappel, a filmmaker who grew up watching sex-negative mainstream media and presumed all sex work was exploitative, feminist porn is an all-encompassing space that has something for every kink and fantasy.

“[Things like] gang bangs are not inherently sexist, but the way it is shown [in mainstream porn] can be,” she said. “In feminist porn, for example, we shoot gang bangs as men serving the women [instead of the other way around], and always ask performers what they’re comfortable with before shooting.” The intimacy coordinator also pointed out that feminist porn gives its creators a space to explore their own pleasure, and capture it authentically for the audience’s pleasure.

“If you think about the language common to mainstream porn, it’s really very negative: ‘sluts deserve to get fucked,’ ‘anal destruction,’ ‘stupid Latinas taught a lesson’ – that kind of thing,” said Ms Naughty. “Feminist porn wants to respect and honour the performers because they’re putting a very personal part of themselves out there. And we want to show that sex can be fun and meaningful and vital to our identities as well as dirty and hot.”

The filmmakers added that in this space, it’s important to pay for your porn to enhance the chances of a producer paying fair wages to adult entertainers, taking informed consent from them, and not exploiting them. Most websites and services that offer feminist porn have subscription options that could range anywhere between $4 to $20 for a month to $50 for a whole year.

Now that we’ve explained the why, let’s get into the how.

So you want to get into… ethical pornos that focus on female fantasies?

Male gaze porn is notorious for turning women into mere objects of orgasmic pleasure instead of exploring the myriad of emotions they experience along the way. “Feminist porn is less focused on traditionally male fantasies, or will create it with a sense of irony,” said Ms Naughty.

According to the filmmaker, feminist porn expresses female pleasure by visibly promoting safe sex –explicitly mentioning consent, showing the performers as real people rather than sex objects, and making sure the camera moves beyond just focusing on the woman while excluding the man’s head from the frame.

“Feminist porn is eager to show that sex doesn’t have to be formulaic; it’s not white-picket-fence heteronormative,” she said. “You can have guys getting pegged, fisting, women on top, lots of cunnilingus, and, of course, heaps of vibrator use since that’s what is guaranteed to get a woman off.”

Websites to visit:

BrightDesire.com: A website founded by Ms Naughty with the aim of creating erotic content that showcased intimacy and joy. The focus of this website is connection and chemistry, regardless of the kind of sex people are having. These videos tend to show real-life couples who are familiar with each other sharing pleasure, and incorporate the laughter and tender moments that mainstream porn leaves out.

Frolic Me: Not all feminist porn is the soft, slow and romantic kinds, but if that’s the content you’re looking for, then this is the place for you to indulge in your demisexual desires. Ms Naughty recommends it for women or couples looking to find tasteful porn.

Sssh.com: A site that started as a dedicated spot for straight women, Sssh.com crowdsources female fantasies, then executes them through in-house performers, videos, and even editorial-style magazine content.

ElseCinema: This pay-per-view platform can help you find feminist and ethical porn filmmakers from around the world.

So you want to get into… inclusive queer porn?

Unlike its male-dominated counterpart, feminist porn is an incredibly inclusive space that embraces people of all identities, genders, sexual preferences, race and colour.

“Feminist queer porn represents a wide spectrum of sexuality, from gay to genderqueer,” said Pappel. “It has been a space for [LGBTQ+ communities] to find that representation of their identity at a time when mainstream media wasn’t covering it.”

Websites to visit:

PinkLabel.tv: A platform founded by Shine Louise Houston, an American filmmaker who has been making queer porn since the mid 2000s, Pink Label is a video-on-demand platform that is Pappel’s go-to for queer feminist porn – especially to find people of colour. It’s also a platform that offers filmmakers and performers who don’t have their own sites a shared income to pay them equally and fairly.

Crash Pad Series: Based on a film called The Crash Pad, which centres around a secret apartment only open for the queer community, this series is recommended by Ms Naughty for a no-holds-barred and honest sex experience that celebrates all bodies, genders and ethnicities.

Aorta Films: A site recommended by Pappel for its seamless ability to subvert gender identity and explore queer porn with kinks and BDSM, this site is a classic example of how feminist porn does not have to be “pastel or soft,” but can also be hardcore. Films on this platform also explicitly show consensual negotiations and safe words through before-and-after scenes, to make for safe experiences that won’t trigger the viewer.

Indie Porn Revolution: The oldest running queer porn site stands for “subversive smut made by ladies, artists, and queers,” and aims to offer a wide array of content that explores distinctive perspectives, all of which are far from the male gaze.

So you want to… get into arthouse porn

Feminist porn filmmakers pride themselves in their ability to create content that is as aesthetic as it is erotic. While this porn can be quite similar to sex scenes in mainstream movies, filmmakers say they like to curate a vibe that makes the entire porn-viewing experience more about the way the film is shot rather than just leading up to the cum shot.

“Feminist porn isn’t just about arousal,” said Ms Naughty. “It can be about emotion, about protest, about art.”

Websites to visit:

BlueArtichokeFilms.com: A platform founded by Jennifer Lyon Bell, an American filmmaker based in the Netherlands, Ms Naughty describes this site as “cinematic, intelligent and extremely well-made.” According to her, these explicit films are arousing, but equally interested in the reasons why people have sex and the dynamic behind that, making it as much about the ideas as about hot sex.

Four Chambers: Run by British artist and performer Vex Ashley, this site is recommended by Ms Naughty for films that are distinctively moody, sensual, intense, and kinky. The scenes all follow a theme and are shot mostly with natural light, featuring diverse performers as well as sex styles.

So you want to… get into documentary porn?

As most feminist porn filmmakers will point out, ethical consumption of porn means moving beyond the professionals. Feminist porn is as much about exploring amateur online spaces, including social media, as it is about providing female-friendly smut.

“I prefer to use the term documentary porn over amateur porn, which sounds more like the performer is doing it as a hobby,” said Pappel. She explained that documentary porn is made by building the script around what the couple or performers derive their pleasure from. “From kissing to kink, they tell us what they want and we create the scenario around that.”

Websites to visit:

OnlyFans: An internet content subscription service where creators can charge people to subscribe to their content, OnlyFans allows sex workers and up-and-coming pornstars to cut out the middleman and deal with their customers directly. This not only minimises the chances of exploitation but also offers you the chance to get exactly what you want from an adult entertainer who is then compensated fairly.

Lustery: Founded by Paulita Pappel, this platform has real-life couples, who are also exhibitionists, filming themselves having sex. “They have a pre-existing relationship with each other, which gives it a different level of intimacy,” Pappel said. “You’re always performing when you’re having sex with a partner, and this website uses real couples and cameos from all over the world to show those personal, private moments with consent.”

r/chickflixxx: Reddit isn’t always the safest space for women but this subreddit aims to be one. Here, you can find women posting their favourite female-friendly X-rated videos, and even interact with sexperts – including sex therapists and other adult entertainers.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Yes, You Can Contract an STD Without Having Penetrative Sex

by Gabrielle Kassel

Anilingus. Cunnilingus. Mutual masturbation. Many nonpenetrative sex acts are *veryyy* much worth exploring from a pleasure perspective.

But many sex-havers engage in these sex acts under the assumption that sexually transmitted infections (STIs) can only be transmitted through penetration.

This myth results in many explorers thinking they’re being Safe™, when in fact they’ve put themselves in a position where STI transmission is, indeed, possible.

Confused? Concerned? Don’t be.

Below, experts explain exactly how an STI can be transmitted when a hole isn’t being penetrated. Plus, exactly what you need to know about STI testing.

STDs vs. STIs

Both acronyms refer to conditions that are primarily transmitted through sexual activity. STI stands for sexually transmitted infection, while STD stands for sexually transmitted disease.

Technically, a condition only qualifies as a disease if you have advanced symptoms, while the term infection applies if you don’t have any symptoms at all.

In everyday conversation and medical resources, the two terms are used interchangeably.

Sexually transmitted infectious particles don’t “hide” in the way back of your holes (e.g., mouth, anus, vagina).

Instead, these infectious particles can live on any internal or external skin or in bodily fluids, explains Dr. Felice Gersh, author of “PCOS SOS: A Gynecologist’s Lifeline To Naturally Restore Your Rhythms, Hormones, and Happiness.”

For this reason, “certain STIs can be spread anytime there’s skin-to-skin contact or when body fluids are spread,” she says.

Important: Not every STI can be passed on through contact with every single section of skin or every single bodily fluid.

What segments of skin or which bodily fluids can transmit the STI depends on the particular STI. It also depends on where the STI is located, or if it’s considered a full-body STI.

To be very clear, STIs aren’t weeds: They don’t simply sprout up out of nowhere.

For an STI to be transmitted, someone must be doing the transmitting. And for someone to do the transmitting, they must be STI-positive.

(And the only way to know if you’re STI-positive is to get tested, but more on that below).

According to Gersh, depending on what the STI is and where it’s located, an STI could be transmitted during any sexual activity that involves the following:

  • the mouth, lips, throat, or saliva
  • blood or breast milk
  • vaginal fluid, pre-ejaculation (pre-cum), semen, or anal secretions
  • the internal anal canal, anal entrance, or perineum
  • the vaginal canal, vulva, penis, or testicles

That means that, in theory, an STI can be transmitted during any of the following sex acts:

Anything that involves the ingestion of, exposure to, or swapping of bodily fluids could result in the transmission of infection.

For example:

  • platonic mouth kissing
  • getting a tattoo or piercing
  • sharing sex toys that haven’t been cleaned
  • getting a blood transfusion
  • sharing needles
  • breastfeeding or chestfeeding
  • giving birth
  • self-inoculation

However, most of the fearmongering around nonsexual STI transmissions — for instance, that you can get an STI from a toilet seat, hot tub, or public pool — is *not* based in science under most conditions.

STIs generally cannot exist outside the homeyness of the body’s mucosal membranes for very long. And all the chemicals in pools and hot tubs kill off any infectious agents.

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Before we answer this question, let’s talk about the word ‘dormant’ real quick. Most doctors don’t use it anymore, according to Gersh.

“The concept of a dormant STI isn’t helpful,” she says. “It’s predicated on the idea that you can have an STI that just isn’t doing anything in your body.”

The words doctors like to use instead are “asymptomatic” or “latent.”

An asymptomatic STI occurs when someone isn’t currently experiencing symptoms that they can feel, see, or smell. According to the World Health OrganizationTrusted Source, the majority of STIs are asymptomatic.

“It’s possible to have an STI, not be experiencing symptoms, and still transmit it to someone else,” Gersh explains.

“It’s also possible to have an STI, not be experiencing symptoms that you can feel or see, and still have it be doing something to your body,” she says.

For example, someone can have human papillomavirus (HPV), not be experiencing any symptoms, but still have the cellular makeup of their cervix altered by the virus.

You can also have an STI, not be experiencing symptoms now, but begin experiencing symptoms later.

An STI cannot be detected by an STI test immediately after exposure.

The STI can’t be detected because it hasn’t been in the body long enough for the body to develop antibodies in response to it, which is what most STI tests are looking for.

The incubation period is the amount of time between when someone contracts an STI and when they test positive for that STI on a test.

If you get tested for an STI during its incubation period the test will come back negative. “The incubation period is different for every single STI,” Gersh says. “It ranges from anywhere between 2 days and 3 months.”

This means that, if you have unprotected sex with someone, the move actually isn’t to get tested the next day, she says.

“That test will tell you if you were exposed to any STIs prior to having sex with that person,” Gersh explains. “But the test will not tell you if that person exposed you to any STIs.”

If you had unprotected sex, Gersh recommends getting tested after 2 weeks and then again 2 weeks later.

Some may use the phrase “unprotected sex” to refer to bareback penis-in-vagina intercourse. But here, we’re using it to refer to any sex that took place without a barrier method.

That includes any sex that happened with a broken condom, expired condom, or other condom mishaps.

If you’ve never been screened before and want to, congratulations on deciding to take your sexual health into your own hands. Seriously, the importance of this step can’t be overstated!

Start by finding a testing center near you by checking out this STI testing center guide. Before you head to the testing spot, make sure they test for all the STIs you’re interested in getting tested for. Some clinics only test for HIV, for example.

When you get there, be sure to ask explicitly for all the STIs you want to get tested for, especially if you want to be tested for oral or anal STIs.

Most testing centers only test for genital gonorrhea, genital chlamydia, HIV, and syphilis unless asked otherwise, Gersh notes.

It *is* possible to contract or transmit an STI without having penetrative sex. The best way to protect yourself and your partner(s) from transmission is for everyone to know their current STI status.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Can Marijuana Ease Your Hot Flashes?

Advice from a Menopause Expert

If you’re considering trying pot to escape hot flash hell, here’s guidance on the best way to do that, and the science of why it might help.

By Lauren Streicher, MD

If you’ve heard a friend mention that she’s easing hot flashes and other annoying side effects of menopause with marijuana, she’s not alone: In a 2020 study, 27% of menopausal women reported that they used some form of cannabis—the scientific name of the marijuana plant—to alleviate hot flashes, insomnia, vaginal dryness, mood swings, and brain fog. That’s more than 1 in 4 women—compare that to the mere 7% of women who take systemic estrogen to alleviate symptoms. Women are smoking pot, drinking cannabis-laced beverages, and infusing marijuana in oil and putting it not only on their avocado toast but also on their vulva and in their vagina.

Join Dr. Streicher and other experts for a conversation about menopause on October 18. Sign up for free today!

Turning to cannabis to ease menopausal symptoms isn’t new either: According to historian Ethan Russ, cannabis was used as far back as the 7th century for myriad women’s ailments. It even pops up as a treatment of meno­pause in the 1899 edition of the Merck Manual, a popu­lar medical textbook. At the turn of that century, all the major pharmaceutical companies—Eli Lilly, Parke-Davis (now Pfizer), and Squibb—sold cannabis as a powder, tablet, and tincture.

So what’s the story—can smoking a joint or imbibing cannabis in some other way really cool the heat and soothe other menopause symptoms? (Before you jump in, remember: Marijuana isn’t legal everywhere. Check out this map to find out the status of legalization in your state.)

Are there studies on marijuana and hot flashes?

Though there are some wildly enthusiastic anecdotal reports about the effectiveness of pot to ease hot flashes, there have been inadequate scientific studies—meaning studies done on large groups of women over an extended period of time, with a control group using fake pot as a comparison. In other words, when it comes to cannabinoids (the compounds found in cannabis), there aren’t the kinds of studies that are required for pharmaceutical agents to become FDA-approved. In addition, most studies on the effect of cannabinoids include only men—and women are not little men.

Aside from being expensive, studies on the impact of cannabis on menopause symptoms would be difficult to conduct. The pharmacology is complex: There are well over 100 cannabinoids, and all have different physical and psychological effects. The dosage and type of cannabis are difficult to standardize and are also dramatically altered by variables, such as the other medications someone might be taking.

Don’t get me wrong: I think the use of cannabinoids to relieve menopause symptoms is very promising, and based on the known properties of cannabinoids, there is good reason that they would be beneficial in alleviating many symptoms of menopause. It just would be nice to have more research as to what kind of cannabis and what dosage works best, so that I and other physicians can make informed recommendations to our patients. But having said that, here is what is known based on the science of cannabinoids as well as observational, anecdotal data.

The impact of cannabis on our bodies

First, an interesting fact: The human body makes its own cannabi­noids. The human endocannabinoid system is a complex, nerve-signaling system composed of neurotransmitters that bind to cannabinoid receptors. It’s responsible for regulating multiple body functions, including appetite, metabolism, pain, mood, learning, memory, sleep, stress, bone health, and cardiovascular health—pretty much ev­erything that keeps humans functional and balanced.

And it turns out that hormones, specifically estrogen, play a critical role in the endocannabinoid system, and some experts propose that the disruption in that system when estrogen is low is responsible for menopause symptoms—and they say it’s also why using cannabis can decrease hot flashes.

The marijuana plant and hot flashes

There are two cannabinoids extracted from the flow­er of the marijuana plant that have potential roles in managing menopause symp­toms: tetrahydrocannabinol (THC) and cannabidiol (CBD). And, no surprise, only the female flower contains these elements.

THC is the psychoactive component of cannabis (that’s the component that brings on the high). It mimics some aspects of the natural endocannabinoid in our bodies that helps regulate body temperature, which is theoretically why THC is the key to reducing hot flashes.

CBD is extracted from hemp flowers. It contains trace amounts of THC but doesn’t have psy­choactive properties, so it will not get you high. Although it may not reduce hot flashes specifically, it does decrease pain and inflam­mation, in addition to helping you get a good night’s sleep. (The anti-inflammatory properties of both cannabinoids also may help with bone loss and cardiovascular disease.)

So, does pot relieve hot flashes?

Since this hasn’t been scientifically studied, what I’m going to say is based on the known pharmacolo­gy of cannabinoids and anecdotal information from folks in this world. But yes, it does appear that cannabis can be effec­tive in decreasing the frequency and severity of hot flashes.

Again, the THC in cannabis mimics the endocannabinoid that helps regulate body temperature. This effect when using cannabis is dose dependent. Large amounts of THC cause your internal temperature to drop, while small amounts can cause your internal temperature to rise. In other words, THC can regulate your internal thermostat, but it is important to use the right amount.

How to use cannabis for hot flashes

Eat it? Smoke it? Rub it on? How you take cannabis is important—not only in terms of what it will do for you, but also when it comes to onset of action (meaning, how quickly it hits you) and potential side effects. The onset of action, peak levels, and total duration of ef­fect listed here are very approximate, but I’ve included them to give you an idea.

Smoking or vaping

Inhaling cannabis has the advantage of an immediate effect, but the disadvantage is potentially harming your re­spiratory tract. It’s also not an activity you can do discreetly.

Onset of action: Within minutes
Peak levels: About 15 to 30 minutes
Total duration: About two or more hours

Edibles

Edibles include foods infused with cannabis, such as gummies, chocolate, ice cream, smoothies, and cookies—the possibilities are endless. The effect is delayed, which sometimes leads to overdos­ing (more on that at the end). Edibles are not psychoactive unless they contain more than trace amounts of THC.

Onset of action: 30 to 90 minutes
Peak levels: Two to six hours
Total duration: At least four to eight hours

Sublinguals

Sublinguals are tinctures, sprays, or strips placed under the tongue that are quickly absorbed into the bloodstream through a plexus of blood vessels, rather than making the trip through the digestive system like edibles do. The advantage is a relatively quick onset of action, along with bypassing the gut and the lungs. Also, it appears that THC is absorbed better as a sublingual than as an edible.

Onset of action: Within minutes
Peak levels: About 10 minutes
Total duration: Hours or even days (highly variable)

What’s the right dose for cannabis?

I’ll give you some general dosing guidelines, but they are not based on scientific studies. I’m just telling you what’s being said by the experts I’ve talked to. The dosage is a free-for-all, and even the phar­macists who work in the industry and appear very knowl­edgeable are basing their recommendations on anecdotal reports and individual experience as opposed to scientific studies. Remember, most of the folks who work in dispen­saries are not medical practitioners, and they may not be aware of a potential drug interaction or other medical variables. Also, it’s a known fact that young women metabolize cannabis more slowly than men, and women who are post-menopause metabolize it more slowly than those who are pre-menopause. This makes sense, given that cannabis metabolism is fa­cilitated by estrogen, and women who are post-menopause don’t have any.

There is no one-size-fits-all dosing, and because cannabis is a botanical, you cannot count on the same level of con­sistency as you would with a commercial pharmaceutical. Keeping a journal is a good idea until you figure out what works best for you. Small, spaced-out doses (micro-dosing) is smart.

Here are guidelines for hot flash relief sup­plied by Luba Andrus, a registered pharmacist and cannabis pharma­cologist with whom I consulted; she routinely works with menopausal women.

Guidelines for THC

  • Sublingual is preferred
  • Start at 1.25 mg once or twice daily
  • Titrate up (increase the dose) every five to seven days
  • 2 mg to 4 mg works for most women

Guidelines for CBD

  • Sublingual is preferred
  • Use an indica-dominant product (a dispensary can guide you)
  • Start at 2.5 mg twice daily
  • Titrate up (increase the dose) every four to seven days
  • Continue until 20 mg is reached
  • Keep in mind that it can take upwards of 30 days to feel the full effect, so be patient.

Guidelines for THC/CBD-combined products

  • Sublingual is preferred
  • CBD/THC ratio should be 20:1 or higher (22% to 26% THC and 0.76% CBD is a common combo)
  • Products with a high THC:CBD ratio are best taken in the evening or at bedtime.

Heed these warnings

Cannabinoids have the potential to interact with cer­tain medicines, such as blood thinners and antiseizure drugs. In some cases, they can potentially make other medications less effective. Talk to your doctor!

Cannabis is generally felt to be safe, but the side effects may include brain fog, dry mouth, unsteady gait, diar­rhea, and drowsiness. A glass of water at the bedside is a good idea since you may wake up thirsty in the middle of the night. Some other important advice:

• Don’t drive while under the influence!

• Cannabis users need up to twice the sedation for med­ical procedures. If you partake, be sure to tell the an­esthesiologist.

• The effects of cannabinoids are dose related. Low to moderate doses appear to have positive effects on sex­ual function and responsiveness (loss of inhibition, in­creased sensitivity). High doses can be a problem and are associated with an increase in paranoia and anxiety. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing.

• Again, menopausal women are more vulnerable than men to an overdose. So especially when it comes to edibles, start at a low dose and make sure you wait 90 minutes before taking any more, because it can take that long for it to kick in. And keep in mind that many edibles are sold in individual servings of 10 mg of THC, which is way more than most menopausal women should be ingesting.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Have an Oral Sex Orgasm

By Dr. Nan Wise

The one question I’m asked pretty much every day as a sex therapist and relationship expert turned neuroscientist is how to keep desire alive. Good news? Cultivating the pleasures of an oral sex orgasm can be a delightful way to ignite and reignite passion over the long haul.

In a recent column we explored how the juiciest lust-filled type of sexual desire tends to wane after the honeymoon period, fueled by potent brain-chemical aphrodisiacs, fizzles out. But research shows that receiving oral sex more frequently helps people in longer-term relationships maintain more passion and experience higher levels of sexual satisfaction overall.

If you want to make oral sex a more rewarding practice for you and your partner—and have a passion-inducing oral sex orgasm—try these tips.

1. Learn more about your pleasure pathways.

The first step in finding the way to any orgasm is learning what pleases you. Obviously, you’re not going to perform oral sex on yourself to test-drive the experience, but there are other ways to get a good lay of the land. Take matters into your own hands and explore your own pleasure wiring starting with your clitoris—ground zero for oral sex. By understanding the workings of your own erotic anatomy, you’ll be better able to wire those important pathways to your brain’s pleasure centers.

2. Jump-start the mind-body pleasure engine.

One of the best ways to increase the power of the many pleasures of any sexual experience is to make sure you aren’t starting from square one. Move slowly and be patient in establishing a headspace for sensual pleasure. Also, use the power of physical arousal to kindle your sexual appetite. Before launching into cunnilingus, use other methods first—like asking your partner to manually massage your clitoris or apply pressure to your clitoral bulbs before launching into oral pleasures. By making sure you are aroused, the sensations of oral sex will be even more exquisite.

3. Communicate enthusiastically and loudly.

If something feels good, make lots of noise. If something doesn’t, communicate that too. In the realm of sex, feedback is our best friend. Grunts and sighs and moans work. You can also use words: “That feels great”; “Go faster (or slower or harder or softer)”; or “Move a bit up (or down).”

4. Talk with your body.

Use plenty of nonverbal, physical prompts by moving your body or gently adjusting your partner’s head or hand to where you want it most. If you feel awkward about doing this, before you head to bed for some head, open up a conversation about what works and what could work better. You can even explore in advance how your partner would prefer to get feedback when in the midst of pleasing you.

5. Move your body.

The tendency many women have when they are trying to orgasm, either during masturbation, oral sex, or intercourse, is to rigidly tense up their body. Some muscle tension—aka myotonia—goes along with sex and can contribute to orgasm. But there’s also too much of a good thing. Too much muscle tension restricts blood flow, which can actually interfere with orgasm. One way to increase the chances of having an orgasm is to find a way to rock your pelvis gently and rhythmically using small movements that don’t disrupt the action but keep blood flowing to your genitals.

6. Breathe.

Here’s a hot tip from tantra: An excellent way to maximize pleasurable sensations is to use your imagination. When you breathe in, imagine the breath (and sexual energy) flowing into and up your body. Then when you exhale, imagine the breath (and sexual energy) flowing down and out though your genitals. More oxygen helps. So does using the power of your imagination to amplify the sensations. (I actually published a study showing that just thinking about genital stimulation did wonders for the brain’s pleasure centers.)

7. Kegel, Kegel, Kegel.

In real estate the saying is “Location, location, location.” In sex therapy it’s all about a different kind of real estate: the valuable territory of the floor of the pelvis and the power of those muscles, when exercised regularly, to promote orgasmic capacity. Do your Kegels. They work.

8. Forget about chasing the orgasm—let it find you.

Focus on the sensations. Let go of the orgasm as a goal. By focusing on sensations, you will savor the experience and allow the orgasm to find you. And even in cases when the big O proves elusive, you can get great satisfaction from savoring the experience as is.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Can Sleep Apnea Cause Erectile Dysfunction (ED)?

by Annamarya Scaccia

Obstructive sleep apnea (OSA) is the most common type of sleep apnea. It’s a potentially serious disorder. People with OSA stop breathing repeatedly during sleep. They often snore and have difficulty sleeping.

Sleep disorders can impact your testosterone and oxygen levels. That can lead to many different issues, including erectile dysfunction (ED). Research has found a high prevalence of ED in men with obstructive sleep apnea, but doctors are not exactly sure why that’s the case.

Researchers have found evidence that men who have obstructive sleep apnea are more likely to have ED, and vice versa. A 2009 Trusted SourceJournal of Sexual MedicineTrusted Source studyTrusted Source found that 69 percent of male participants diagnosed with OSA also had ED. A 2016 studyTrusted Source found erectile dysfunction in about 63 percent of study participants with sleep apnea. By contrast, only 47 percent of men in the study without OSA had ED.

Furthermore, in a 2016 surveyTrusted Source of over 120 men with ED, 55 percent reported symptoms related to sleep apnea. The findings also suggested that men with ED are at a higher risk of having other undiagnosed sleep disorders.

Scientists still don’t know why, exactly, men with obstructive sleep apnea have higher rates of ED. Sleep deprivation caused by sleep apnea may cause a man’s testosterone levels to dip. It may also restrict oxygen. Testosterone and oxygen are both important for healthy erections. Researchers have also suggested that stress and fatigue related to lack of sleep may make sexual problems worse.

Research has shown a link between dysfunction with the endocrine system and sleep disorders. Hormone overactivity between the brain and the adrenal gland may affect sleep function and cause wakefulness. A 2014 studyTrusted Source also found that low testosterone levels can lead to poor sleep. However, there’s no evidence that obstructive sleep apnea impacts testosterone production.

There are several types of sleep apnea, although the main three are:

  • obstructive sleep apnea
  • central sleep apnea
  • complex sleep apnea syndrome

All three versions of the sleep disorder have similar symptoms, which sometimes makes it harder to receive a proper diagnosis. Common sleep apnea symptoms include:

  • loud snoring, which is more common in obstructive sleep apnea
  • periods where you stop breathing during your sleep, as witnessed by another person
  • waking up abruptly with a shortness of breath, which is more common in central sleep apnea
  • waking up with a sore throat or dry mouth
  • headaches in the morning
  • difficulty getting to and staying asleep
  • excessive daytime sleepiness, also known as hypersomnia
  • problems concentrating or paying attention
  • feeling irritable

Although more research is needed, scientists have found that treating obstructive sleep apnea may also help ease symptoms of ED. According to the International Society for Sexual Medicine, many men with OSA who use continuous positive airway pressure (CPAP) for treatment experience improved erections. CPAP is a treatment for OSA where a mask is placed over your nose to deliver air pressure. It’s thought that CPAP improves erections in men with OSA because better sleep can raise testosterone and oxygen levels.

A 2013 pilot study found that men with sleep apnea who underwent tissue removal surgery, known as uvulopalatopharyngoplasty (UPPP), also saw a decrease in ED symptoms.

In addition to CPAP and tissue removal surgery, other treatments for obstructive sleep apnea include:

  • using a device to increase air pressure in order to keep your upper airway passages open
  • placing devices over each nostril to increase air pressure, known as expiratory positive airway pressure (EPAP)
  • wearing an oral device to keep your throat open
  • using additional oxygen
  • taking care of underlying medical issues that may cause sleep apnea

Your doctor may also recommend other surgeries, such as:

  • making a new air passageway
  • restructuring your jaw
  • implanting plastic rods in the soft palate
  • removing enlarged tonsils or adenoids
  • removing polyps in your nasal cavity
  • fixing a deviated nasal septum

In milder cases, lifestyle changes such as quitting smoking and losing weight may help. If your symptoms are caused or worsened by allergies, medications to help control allergies may improve your symptoms.

Research has found a clear correlation between obstructive sleep apnea and ED. Scientists still don’t understand why the connection exists, but there’s enough evidence to show a causal link. Studies have shown that treating obstructive sleep apnea may have a positive impact on ED symptoms. This is due to improvements in testosterone and oxygen levels.

Talk to your doctor as soon as possible if you’re experiencing sleep apnea and ED symptoms. Treating OSA may not only help you get and keep an erection more often, but it may also prevent other health conditions such as heart problems.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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5 common conditions that can lower sex drive

By Charlie Williams

The science is clear: Sex can bring some incredible benefits for your health. Study after study has shown that having sex regularly can improve longevity, reduce the risk of heart disease, stroke, and certain types of cancers, bolster the immune system, improve sleep, enhance mental health, reduce depression symptoms, and improve overall quality of life.

Common conditions, like cancer, diabetes, heart disease, etc, not only affect patients’ physical health, but also their sexual health.

Despite this, sex remains a taboo topic in American culture. We don’t even know how to address it to children in schools. For instance, in the late 1990s, the US government adopted the abstinence-only-until-marriage (AOUM) approach to adolescent sexual and reproductive health. Public schools in 49 of 50 states accepted federal funding from this program. As a result, public school sex education focused on raising awareness of the risks of sex, like sexually transmitted infections and youth pregnancy, rather than balancing the risks with the scientifically supported benefits. What’s more, rigorous research showed that AOUM failed to achieve its goal of delaying sexual initiation, reducing sexual risk behaviors, or improving reproductive health outcomes.

The history of American inhibitions about sex is too complex to detail here. Suffice to say that because of these longstanding cultural mores, modern public discourse about sexuality is often described in a negative light, focusing on the risks and dangers of sex. Meanwhile, discussion about the physiological and psychosocial health benefits of sex is commonly ignored, according to a white paper from Planned Parenthood.

This discussion might be missing in physician’s exam rooms, too. Six in 10 American adults have chronic disease, but it’s likely that they aren’t receiving sufficient education to help them cope with the effects that their conditions can have on their sexual health, and how those effects can change their quality of life. The problem becomes more challenging when considering that cultural mores prevent patients—and physicians, too—from broaching the subject simply because it’s uncomfortable to talk about.

So, next time you suspect a patient has one of these conditions, consider spurning the taboos and help them understand its implications for their sexual health and overall quality of life.

Cardiovascular disease

According to the American Heart Association, decreased sexual activity and function are common in patients with cardiovascular disease (CVD), but not for the reasons you might expect. Patients with CVD often endure psychological distress because of their conditions, which is correlated with negative downstream effects on sexual function. In patients with coronary artery disease, heart failure, congenital heart defects, recent heart attacks, coronary artery bypass grafting, implantable cardioverter defibrillators, and cardiac transplantation, sexual activity frequency and satisfaction often decline because of the anxiety that sexual activity will worsen the underlying cardiac condition or cause death. That anxiety can lead to depression, an important contributor to erectile dysfunction (ED) and decreased libido.

While some patients with severe CVD may be putting themselves at increased risk for complications by having sex, doctors can clear many patients for sex after a simple physical exam or exercise test. For those with depression, anxiety, or decreased libido, physicians can recommend patient and partner counseling, refer to psychiatrists, or prescribe medication.

Diabetes

Long-term poor blood sugar control can damage nerves and blood vessels, inhibiting feeling and the blood flow that is necessary to maintain an erection, according to the Mayo Clinic. As such, some male patients with diabetes are likely to experience ED while managing their condition. Other conditions that are common in men with diabetes can commonly cause ED, like high blood pressure, heart disease, and depression.

Women with diabetes are also likely to experience decreases in sexual function, including reduced libido, decreased vaginal lubrication, and reduced or absent sexual response, including the ability to stay aroused, achieve an orgasm, or maintain feeling in the genital area.

The good news is that diabetes can be a preventable condition, and sometimes reversible in those who have already developed it. Many of the factors that cause symptoms that reduce sexual function and desire in patients with diabetes can also be reversed. Plus, many of the factors, like improving blood sugar levels, have the added benefit of helping patients feel better overall and improving their quality of life.

Obesity

While the health hazards of obesity have been thoroughly studied and are well known to most patients, its effects on sexual health are not frequently discussed. For instance, obesity in men reduces testosterone levels and increases the likelihood that men will experience ED. Moreover, obesity can have negative impacts on fertility—it has been linked to low sperm counts and reduced sperm motility, both of which have been shown to make men less fertile.

Women who are obese experience similar reductions in sexual health. Researchers have shown that obese women have lower sexual function scores, and that weight reduction seems to improve sexual function in young obese women. Moreover, obese women are 4 times more likely to experience an unplanned pregnancy than normal weight women, despite them reporting lower rates of sexual activity.

As with diabetes, the good news is that obesity is a preventable condition. And just like diabetes, reducing obesity will not only bring beneficial effects to sexual health, but to overall health as well.

Cancer

Many types of cancer can have detrimental effects on sex to varying degrees. “Some surgeries and treatments might have very little effect on a person’s sexuality, sexual desire, and sexual function,” according to the American Cancer Society. “Others can affect how a certain body part works, change hormone levels, or damage nerve function that can cause changes in a person’s sexual function.”

Doctors, caregivers, and partners can help patients with cancer confront issues of sexual health by maintaining discretion, helping to talk through emotional issues, helping address problems with self-esteem, and tracking side effects. 

On the upside, sexuality and intimacy have been shown to help patients with cancer bear the burden of their disease by helping them cope with feelings of distress.

Mental health disorders

Healthy and intimate sexual relationships are a key component of mental well-being. But, common mental health problems like anxiety, depression, personality disorder, seasonal affective disorder, and bipolar disorder can all have detrimental effects on sexual health.

Notably, a markedly decreased sex drive is a common indicator of major depressive disorder, according to Jennifer L. Payne, MD, director of the Women’s Mood Disorders Center, Johns Hopkins Hospital, Baltimore, MD.

“Change in sex drive is a key symptom we look at when deciding if someone fits the diagnosis for major depressive episodes,” Dr. Payne wrote. “A primary symptom of depression is the inability to enjoy things you normally enjoy, like sex.”

But mental health disorders don’t exclusively cause a reduction in sex drive and performance. Some individuals, including those with compulsive sexual behavior, can become consumed by sexual thoughts and an out-of-control sex drive. Like most addictions, when sex addiction and compulsive sexual behavior is left untreated, it can damage self-esteem, relationships, careers, and health. 

Time to have ‘the talk’

Both the patient and physician may feel uncomfortable in the exam room broaching the subject of sex. But, consider that studies have shown that most patients with CVD believe they haven’t been appropriately educated about their conditions’ effects on sexual health and desire more information on how to resume their normal sexual activity. Other patients with common conditions most likely feel the same way. 

Having an open discussion or referring patients to counseling can go a long way toward improving sexual health, which in turn can provide both physical and mental health benefits.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How To Know if You and Your Partner Could Benefit From Sex Therapy

By Rebecca Norris

Therapy is not simply a solution to a problem—whether the focus is personal, romantic, financial, sex-focused, or otherwise. And with specific respect to sex therapy, in particular, it’s important to know that the benefit extends to folks far beyond just those who are on the brink of breakup and are in dire need of professional help. Rather, just like seeking general therapy on a regular basis can help people live their most authentic life, sex therapy can help couples (and individuals) embrace their most fulfilling sex life—even when there’s no specific “problem” that needs solving.

With that in mind, keep reading for sex therapists’ take on must-knows about the benefits of sex therapy, including what it includes, how it may benefit you and your relationship, and more.

Who can enjoy the benefits of sex therapy?

Ready for it? Everyone. And that includes the folks in a honeymoon-phase state of bliss. “Think about how many transitions and experiences we go through in our adult lives: dating, breakups, infidelity, traumatic events, fertility challenges, pregnancies, postpartum recovery, health crises, natural aging, and beyond,” says Kimberly Sharky, relationship expert and sex coach with Union Square Play. “Each of these moments has potential to interfere with our connection to our sexual selves and with our sexual partners.”

With the guidance of a specialized sex therapist, when any of the above-mentioned moments comes to fruition, folks may be better adept at processing and then proceeding in such a way that avoids negative interference with the relationship. “While the guidance of a skilled therapist is a valuable resource in times of crisis, it is really best utilized during more stable times in our lives when we can benefit from a more grounded examination of our challenges and potential,” Sharky says.

As for how often to go to sex therapy, the answer is subjective and personal (as is the case with all forms of therapy). “It depends upon the degree of support that is necessary in order to build momentum and maintain positive progress,” Sharky says. “Your therapist will include recommendations in this regard once they have met with you once or twice and will then be able to create a collaborative game plan with you.”

What can sex therapists help with?

In addition to helping folks navigate life’s big moments and their impact on us, sexually speaking, Lovehoney sex and relationships expert Megan Fleming, PhD, says the benefits of sex therapy are particularly pronounced for cultivating an authentic and realistic understanding of sex and pleasure—which is something many people don’t have. “Most of us don’t receive sex-positive explicit sex education,” she says. “Too often, couples get caught up in scripted sex or sex that doesn’t feel worth having. Sex therapy gets back to the basics of giving and receiving pleasure.”

“Too often, couples get caught up in scripted sex or sex that doesn’t feel worth having. Sex therapy gets back to the basics of giving and receiving pleasure.” Megan Fleming, PhD

By working with a sex therapist, Sharky says couples are able to stoke more eroticism in their relationships (particularly in long-term unions). Additionally, she says that sex therapists can help couples resolve differences in sexual interest or desire. “The bulk of work in sex therapy revolves around helping couples remove obstacles to pleasure, whether they be rooted in anxiety that drives inhibition, interpersonal frustrations that deplete interest in connecting sexually, or countless other ways that the freedom and expression of great sex can be affected by everyday life and the complexities of long-term love,” Sharky says.

Considering that “the biggest sex organ is our mind and there’s no limit to our erotic imagination and therefore what’s possible,” says Dr. Fleming, working with a sex therapist to harness that state of mind is worth all folks’ time.

According to relationship and sex therapist Rachel Wright, LMFT, sex therapy can be just as beneficial for individuals as it can for couples. “Sex therapists work with individuals, couples, triads, quads, and groups,” she says, caveating that it’s the individuals who put in the most dedicated work with a sex therapist who benefit most. “Understanding your libido and your sexuality is a part of understanding yourself, which is a big piece of any form of psychotherapy.”

Furthermore, seeking sex therapy after a relationship or while single in general can also be particularly helpful. “It can be liberating to address sexual concerns on one’s own, which can often positively affect how that person engages in dating and early relationship-building,” Sharky says.

And in fact, for some, sex therapy may be a more honest, open, and vulnerable experience when done without the participation or gaze of another person. Basically, it can help you be your best, most authentic you, which lends itself to relationship health and general health alike.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Wondering Whether You Should Be Having Sex Daily?

Read This

by Adrienne Santos-Longhurst

The pressure to be having more, more, MORE sex is all around, isn’t it? Seen on the cover of magazines at the checkout line, overheard in the locker room, and even scribbled on the walls of bathroom stalls. But should you be having sex daily?

The only thing you ~should~ do is have solo or multi/partnered sex as much or as little as *you* feel comfortable with.

It depends on who you ask.

Researchers — and some of the general population, it seems — have a very limited definition of sex.

What researchers are typically referring to as sex is usually penis-in-vagina or penis-in-anus penetration. Depending on the nature of the study, oral sex (and sometimes rimming) may be included in the definition.

While these things absolutely can qualify as sex, so can MANY other things, like kissing, touching, solo and mutual masturbation, outercourse, and any other intimate activity that brings a person sexual pleasure.

With so much that can “count” as sex and the incomplete view of what’s typically studied, comparing your sex life to the so-called average is pretty pointless given how flawed the “average” data is.

Turns out that daily sex is not all that common.

According to a 2017 survey, only 4 percent of adults said they were having sex daily. In this survey, sex was referring to “intercourse.”

The number of people masturbating on the daily is higher, according to the 2020 Tenga Self-Pleasure Report. Based on the findings, 13 percent partake in solo play every day.

It’s no secret that sex has numerous benefits for your mental and physical well-being. Individuals and partners can enjoy more of these if they indulge daily.

Let’s get down to the personal and relational benefits of sex.

Personally

Let’s take a look at what science says sex can do for a person.

It can improve sexual function

Looks like practice makes perfect — or at least better — when it comes to sex.

The more sex you have, the better your sexual functioning. This goes for partnered and solo sex, too.

This equates to an easier time having an orgasm and more intense orgasms. Oh yeah!

It can reduce stress and anxiety

Sex and orgasms have been shown to reduce stress and anxiety in human and animal studiesTrusted Source.

That’s because sex can reduce the stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline. It can also release endorphins and oxytocin, which have a relaxing and stress-busting effect.

It can help you sleep better

Who rolls over and falls asleep after getting off? Hint: It’s not just people with penises, according to a 2019 study.

The study found that having an O before bed, either from partnered sex or self-lovin’, helped people fall asleep faster and sleep better.

It can put you in a good mood

Duh, right? Of course sex can put some pep in your step, but there are solid biological reasons for it.

Sex and orgasm can trigger a surge of feel-good hormones, and some research from 2006 suggests that these good feelings last well into the next day.

It can help relieve pain

Why reach for aspirin when you can dance the horizontal mambo with yourself or a partner to relieve pain?

The endorphins and other chemicals released during arousal and orgasm are natural pain relievers that work like opioids. This could explain why sex and orgasm offer quick relief from menstrual cramps, migraine, and headaches for some people.

It can be good for your heart

Sex is good for your heart and not just in a warm and fuzzy way.

Along with lower stress and better sleep, which are good for the heart, sex can also lower blood pressure and counts as mild to moderate exercise, depending on how long and hard you go.

Furthermore, frequent and more satisfying sex has also been linked to a lower risk of heart attack.

Relationally

The personal benefits we just covered translate to relationships, too, along with some partner-specific benefits.

It can bring you closer

They don’t call oxytocin the love hormone for nothing.

Oxytocin has several relationship-enhancing effects. Bonding, affection, and trust are just a few.

It’s released in the early stages of love as well as during all kinds of sexual stimulation. We’re talking kissing and cuddling, nipple stim, and other erogenous play, too.

The benefits for your relationships don’t end with actual sex either, according to a 2017 study of married couples. Turns out that postcoital glow continues for 48 hours after sex and contributes to pair-bonding. The stronger the afterglow, the higher the marital satisfaction.

More sex = more sex

That chemical cocktail released during sex is hella strong and go-ood. So good, in fact, that it leads to wanting more, which is why the more sex you have, the more you and your partner(s) will end up having it.

This is why experts often recommend you not be so quick to say no to sex when your partner(s) is in the mood and you’re not, and why many suggest it as a way to deal with mismatched libidos.

Bonus, pleasuring yourself can also increase your sex drive and make you want to have more sex with your partner(s).

Better sexual functioning

Yes, this was one of the personal benefits listed, but it definitely helps sex with your partner(s), too.

Improved sexual functioning from more sex doesn’t just mean better orgasms, but also things like stronger erections and an increase in vaginal lubrication production, which can make partnered sex better.

A few, but for the most part, as long as sex is consensual, pleasurable, and not having a negative impact on your life, it’s all good.

Personally

If you have sex daily, you’ll want to consider these potential personal drawbacks.

Chafing and other discomfort

Excess friction from all that rubbing/thrusting/vibrating/kissing can leave your skin raw and chafed. Frequent handling of your tender parts is bound to leave your parts, well, tender.

Not only could this put a damper on your daily sex sesh, but chafed skin can also crack and give bacteria a way into the body, increasing your risk of infections.

Urinary tract infections (UTIs)

And speaking of infection, frequent sex of the partnered or solo variety can increase your chances of a UTI.

This is assuming you’re engaging in play that involves your genitals, since your urethra basically sits front and center to the action, which can push bacteria inside.

Not enough time prep or recovery time

Certain sex acts don’t require much in the way of prep or recovery, but others, like, say, anal or aggressive sex, might not be practical or even safe without sufficient time before and after.

This can lead to pain and injuries and put you out of commission for a while.

Sexually transmitted infections (STIs)

If you’re having sex with someone other than yourself, there’s always some risk of contracting or transmitting an STI.

The more often you have sex, the more you increase the odds of contracting one. Regular STI testing and disclosing your results to your partner(s) is key to preventing transmission and a crucial part of overall safer sex practices.

Relationally

If all involved feel good about it and aren’t just going through the motions for the sake of meeting a quota, daily sex can actually be pretty great for your relationship(s). Then again, so is any amount that you’re all happy with.

A 2015 analysis of 30,000 people found that couples who have sex more than once a week are no happier than those that have it just once weekly.

Here’s how to go about getting a daily helping of pleasure without burning yourself or your nether regions out.

Solo practice

Treating yourself to some daily sexy time should be more about pleasure than pressure, so try not to beat yourself up if you don’t make it happen every day.

Try these tips to keep the quality while upping the quantity:

  • Schedule your solo sesh on busy days but be open to rubbing one out outside that time if mood and opportunity happen to line up.
  • Masturbation’s about more than clits and dicks, so show the rest of your body (including your booty!) love, too.
  • Try different strokes to mix things and experiment with tempo and pressure.
  • Use erotic stories and porn for some sexy inspo.
  • Keep things fresh by trying different locations, positions, sex toys, and props.
  • Seduce yourself by setting the mood with candles, music, or a hot bath.

Partner practice

Daily sex can be a little more challenging when you’ve got different schedules and libidos to sync, but it can be done as long as you’re realistic about it.

Try these tips:

  • Broaden your definition of sex to include acts like mutual masturbation, making out, and dry humping to accommodate varying time constraints and energy levels.
  • Keep things interesting with new positions, toys, and props.
  • Schedule sex in your calendars if you have busy or opposite schedules.
  • Keep must-haves like lube and barrier protection stocked so you have them when you need them.
  • Quickies are totes fine but set aside time for some longer sessions and afterglow.
  • Don’t feel pressured or pressure your partner(s) to play if you’re not all totally into it.

Daily sex can be great for your well-being and relationship, as long as your focus isn’t only on frequency. Taking the pressure off and doing what feels good will serve you better than trying to hit some statistical (or perceived) norm.

Like most things in life, quality over quantity is better. If you can have both, well that’s just a nice bonus.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How Your Immune System Makes You Sexually Attractive

Desire may be influenced by the similarity of two people’s immune systems

By Jesse Smith, MS

When you feel it, you know it. The feeling of wanting someone is so fundamental to being human. But, what is sexual attraction? What is it that really pulls you in? Is it their eyes? Their waist? Their hair? What if what really turned you on were tiny proteins sticking off the surface of your lover’s white blood cells? Sounds hot.

Researchers are finding evidence that sexual attraction may be due in part to the similarity — or dissimilarity — between two people’s immune systems.

There are dozens of theories about what causes sexual attraction. Some say sexual attraction arises from assessing a member of the opposite sex for mating fitness. There have been theories thrown out that the width of hips in a woman is a sign of childbearing ability. Similarly physical attributes of men such as height or muscle mass may be signs of an ability to provide and protect.

Of course, these theories are simplistic and outdated and may fail to explain the nuance at play. For example, what evolutionary role does the small of one’s back or the skin on their neck play in reproduction? Likewise, the reproduction theory of sexual attraction outright ignores same-sex attraction.

So if physical characteristics fail to explain sexual attraction, perhaps the answer lies beyond what the eye can perceive. Maybe the clues to sexual attraction are found in our sense of smell. The ability to smell — known as olfaction — is a unique sense shared between mammals, reptiles, and insects.

The human olfactory system is unique in that it enjoys privileged access to the deeper recesses of our brain that other senses do not.

Olfaction serves dozens of purposes including communication, protection, and—you guessed it — mate selection.

Olfactory and limbic system.

The human olfactory system is unique in that it enjoys privileged access to the deeper recesses of our brain that other senses do not. Unlike sight, hearing, and touch — which are required to go through a deep brain region called the thalamus that regulates sensory signals before being sent to the cerebral cortex—olfactory signals follow a direct conduit to a neural complex deep in the brain known as the limbic system.

This grouping of neural ganglia controls everything from fear, memory, and reward. Given the close relationship between smell and the limbic system, it is no wonder that smells can evoke such strong feelings in humans. Likewise, because much of olfaction initially bypasses our conscious brain, smell is likely to influence us in ways that we are unaware of on a conscious level.

Is your immune system attractive?

Most people know the immune system as the system that protects against infection. In a basic sense, it is a system of cells and proteins that work in concert to identify and eliminate foreign pathogens from the body.

Genetic diversity almost always equates to evolutionary fitness. That’s hot!

What gives a person’s immune system the ability to identify foreign items from native or “self” is a complex molecular identification card known as the mean histocompatibility complex (MHC). In humans, this is commonly referred to as human leukocyte antigens (HLA). Nearly all human cells possess an HLA of differing classes within the MHC. Collectively, this grouping of antigens protruding off a cell’s outer surface is regularly monitored by immune cells such as T-cells to make sure they fit in as “self.”<

When humans reproduce, the genes within our HLA get shuffled. Like most of the genes in our genome, this genetic shuffling is what leads to genetic diversity. Genetic diversity almost always equates to evolutionary fitness. That’s hot!

A group in Dresden, Germany, has argued that humans have evolved the means of detecting the similarity of a potential mate or partner’s immune system based on their HLA makeup. While it’s still a matter of controversy, the authors of the study, published in 2016, suggest that HLA diversity in mate selection may result in progeny that are better suited to fight off infection.

Can you smell or taste an immune system?

Studies in rats have shown that they are capable of detecting differences in the MHC of other rats. How they are able to do this is still a matter of debate. The most obvious possible explanation may be that clues are detected through the olfactory system.

One research group determined that the composition of the MHC has an influence on which microorganisms inhabit the skin of mucosa of an animal. An animal with one microbiome may emit a different odor from another with a different microbial makeup.

Other studies have found that portions of the proteins that make up the MHC itself — the actual protein regions of the HLA — are detectable in bodily fluids such as sweat, saliva, and urine. Based on this, an animal may be able to directly sense another animal’s MHC through taste or smell. Given the similarity of the HLA system in humans, it is reasonable to assume similar processes are at hand in humans.

A research group in Switzerland published findings in 1995 revealing that women rated the smell of a T-shirt worn by men as more appealing when the men’s HLA makeup was most dissimilar to the woman’s. Interestingly, that effect reversed based on whether a woman was on birth control or not, but that is a topic for another discussion.

What if attraction has nothing to do with reproduction?

The immune system attraction argument is limited in that it pertains mainly to reproduction. This obviously excludes same-sex attraction. If attraction to immune system diversity were based on HLA diversity and fitness in progeny alone, then it would fail to explain sexual attraction in homosexual relationships. The study out of Dresden specifically excluded participants in same-sex relationships.

Going back to the theory of attraction by smell, one study found that people preferred the smell of people with similar sexual orientations. In particular, gay men showed a unique preference for the smell of both heterosexual women and other gay men over heterosexual men. This study did show some distinct preferences for specific groups but failed to correlate with sexual orientation.

It is entirely possible that people of any sexual orientation may be attracted to dissimilar HLA makeups regardless of sex or sexual orientation, which would weaken the reproductive argument. Clearly, the lack of scientific investigation into same-sex relationships is a gap in our current understanding of sexual attraction.

It is safe to say that human attraction is multifaceted and complex. The pull that creates human want and desire is likely based on myriad factors ranging from obvious to subtle. Research seems to show that humans — along with other mammals — are capable of detecting HLA and MHC makeups that are less similar to their own, and do appear to show a preference for those.

Based on this, several dating services have popped up that aim to match couples based on genetic makeup. Unfortunately, the evidence is not convincing enough to ensure attraction or compatibility based on genetics alone, so buyer beware.

In the end, the research on HLA dissimilarity is intriguing and sheds light on the processes involved in determining who we find attractive. However, on its own, it is not enough to explain the complex experience of sexual attraction. With further insight and more comprehensive research, we may be able to determine what role HLA diversity plays in sexual attraction.

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Your Sexuality Belongs to You and You Alone

— No One Can Decide for You

by Tess Catlett

I’m not gonna lie to y’all. I’ve written a lot over the years, but, for the most part, I’ve avoided talking about The Big Stuff.

By that, I mean how I grew up, what my relationship with my family was (is?) like, how I came to *be*, and what the hell I’m doing with my life at present.

(No, surface-level sh*tposts on Twitter don’t count. Thank you, TweetDelete for saving my future self from my past and present self’s angst. Best $15 I ever spent.)

There are a lot of reasons for this. But, for me, what it all boils down to is the fear of what my mother would do.

But you know what? It doesn’t matter anymore.

I haven’t lived at home in over a decade. The worst thing that could happen to me — that I would be unable to speak to or be there for my younger sister — is no longer a credible outcome, at least not as the result of parental involvement.

Planting the seeds of sexual shame

The thing is, I’m not straight. I don’t remember a lot about my childhood, but I know that I never really “came out.” Not to myself, not to my friends, certainly not to my family — though I suppose this letter is likely doing just that.

It was just a thing that I noticed about myself and that was that. I liked boys, I guess. But I also liked girls, people who didn’t feel like those words described themselves, and people who never really thought about their gender at all.

My developing brain didn’t see why this was an issue, just that it was something that might drive my mother to make good on her threats to send me to a program for “troubled teens.”

That’s because, somewhere along the way, many years before I realized this about myself, my mother had already decided that I was gay.

I honestly don’t even remember what the first thing that set her off was. For all I know, it could’ve been that, when I was 8, I wanted her to cut my thick, dark brown, butt-length hair into something more reasonable for Mississippi’s scorching summer heat.

After all, your sexuality is determined by the style of your hair, and anything above the shoulders means you’re a lesbian, right?

Whatever the case, once she got it into her head that I might be something other than a cisgender God-fearing Christian woman who would one day marry a straight, cisgender man and do whatever it is straight Christian couples do, she never let it go.

Routine outbursts reminding me that I was going to Hell were the norm. Sleepovers with friends that were girls were forbidden, and, later, the possibility of her snagging my prepaid phone to go through my text messages loomed overhead like a never-ending dark cloud.

I even stopped journaling, because I knew that, no matter where I hid it, she would read it, “find something,” and send me outside to pick out a switch from the tree.

Who you are vs. who others want you to be

There wasn’t any room for me to be myself — or explore whatever version of me I was trying to parse through at the time.

And, because there wasn’t any space for me, there wasn’t any space for anyone who I cared about to fully exist in my orbit.

If I wanted to hang out with certain friends, I had to lie about who they were, how I knew them, and anything else that might reveal that their identity and personality fell outside the invisible spectrum of “acceptability” that my mother clung to.

I knew I could never bring some friends to my house, or around my family, because of how they would be treated.

Even though I knew I didn’t agree with what my mother thought, that her idea of what was right and what was wrong wasn’t rooted in good faith, hearing it day in and day out took a toll.

The slightest overstep — be it as simple as asking to check out the “Pretty Little Liars” series at the library — and I would be exiled to my grandmother’s computer room to watch online bible studies for hours on end.

The message? What I liked was immoral, the people I wanted to hang out with were unholy, and I needed to be better or else I’d risk eternal damnation.

Sexual repression and self-destruction

Trying and failing to conform to what was expected of me erupted in a number of ways. The balancing act of Christian guilt and perpetual self-loathing landed me in a locked bathroom with a single-edge razor blade and left a range of barcodes permanently etched into my skin.

As the years cycled through, razors turned into switchblades, switchblades turned into an eating disorder, and my troubles with food turned into troubles with substance use — all while throwing myself into schoolwork and extracurricular activities.

Disassociation was the name of the game, and whatever could keep me there the longest was a plus in my book.

All I wanted was to get out, but I didn’t think I could make it past 18. Between what I dealt with at home, and what I inflicted on myself outside, it was a toss up of which would kill me first.

I won’t justify my mother’s behavior or her beliefs, but I can’t pretend that she didn’t have her reasons. Trauma begets trauma, and generational trauma is the gift that keeps on giving.

Yet I’m still here. I moved out of state after high school and somehow managed to scam my way into an undergraduate degree that I’ll never pay off.

I made it to the West Coast, where I’m getting by in a city that I can’t afford to breathe in. I found a home in my friends and learned how to lean on them.

And I’m finally ready to stop picking and choosing which fundamental parts of myself I share online and IRL.

Self-advocacy as the key to sexual pleasure

That’s what this year’s Sexual Health Awareness Month is all about: standing in your truth and taking ownership of your identity.

Longtime Healthline writer Gabrielle Kassel kicks things off with a deep dive into “second queer adolescence,” which is the idea that queer people live their “teenage years” twice.

  • Check back here on September 7 to learn more about what a second queer adolescence can look like, the potential highs and lows, and how to embrace your personal timeline — no matter your age or the timelines of those around you.
  • Want to start reading now? Check out Gabrielle’s take on what it means to be “queer enough” to claim your identity.

On September 13, we welcome retired professional dominatrix Reb Holmberg to the site to talk about how BDSM can make pleasure accessible to people of differing ages, abilities, body shapes, and social skills.

  • Over a 30-year career, they created thousands of experiences that have enabled clients, friends, and lovers to feel liberated from old age, immobility, body size, and gender dysphoria. And luckily for us, they’re going to explain how we can find the same joy.
  • Want to start reading now? Sarah Aswell wrote a beginner’s guide to kinky sex, so you can brush up on the basics.

Catasha Harris, a Black sexual empowerment coach, finishes out the month with her September 20 debut.

  • Here, she explains in-depth why Black women have never really been given the opportunity to sexually explore — and why this sexual awakening is so important at this specific moment in time.
  • Want to start reading now? Check out this article, an impassioned plea from Gloria Oladipo to stop begging Black women to save you from the consequence of your own actions.

Something else on your mind? Our sex and relationships hub covers everything from cuffing during a pandemic and safer chest binding to having an orgasm after menopause, tips for being a better lover, and more.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Consent & Pleasure Go Hand-In-Hand

By Farrah Khan<

At the age of 13, I invented masturbation. Well, in my mind I did. I knew boys masturbated, but I had no idea that girls did too. I thought I was a genius discovering this magical spot on my body that gave me so much joy. It became a way to self-soothe, explore what felt good, and daydream about crushes while reading my mom’s romance novels. But I knew, through overt and covert cues from family, religion, and school, that masturbation was something to keep to myself. It was only in Grade 11, when a girl I was sort of dating confessed that she also did it, that I realized other women were doing it too.

My sex education — and the sex ed that continues to be taught in schools today, nearly 30 years later — skipped over the wonder, curiosity, and exploration about sex. This is especially true for the fear-based, heteronormative lessons taught to girls and young women, who are consistently told there is something inherently wrong, dirty, and shameful about our bodies. And yet, as my 13-year-old self figured out, one of the biggest reasons people want to be sexual is the pursuit of pleasure.

Too often consent is taught as a checkbox — an obstacle a partner needs to get past to gain access to sex.

Today, as a consent and pleasure educator, I teach students what I wish I’d learned growing up: that these two concepts go hand-in-hand and are both keys to a satisfying sexual experience. Too often consent is taught as a checkbox — an obstacle a partner needs to get past to gain access to sex. Consent, of course, is a mandatory part of any sexual experience, and I’m relieved that it is being more widely discussed. However, like sex education in general, it is often focused on avoiding risks, including sexual assault. We need real and practical talk about consent, pleasure, and sex, for safer and more ethical connections. When we move past our tendencies to focus on the mechanics of sexual acts, we set ourselves up to have satisfying sexual and intimate relationships.

That starts with good sex ed, which, for me, means understanding that there is no one-size-fits-all model for sex and intimacy. It involves actively challenging the dominant sexual scripts we are all fed, shaped by our social location, our family, our culture, previous sexual experiences, and the media we consume, including porn. Currently, we are taught heterosexist ideas of how cisgender men and cisgender women are supposed to act — myths that certain bodies are worthy of pleasure, while others are not; that men should always be up for sex, always be the sexual aggressor, and have multiple sexual partners. All while we teach women they should be passive, their pleasure should be predicated on what their partner enjoys, and they should refrain from expressions of sexual desire to ensure that they are never seen as a slut. Furthermore, the sexual experiences of 2SLGBTQIA people like myself are hardly ever included in mainstream sex education.

Wouldn’t it be so much better if our partner said “so we both consented, now what? I want to know what feels good for you and share what feels good to me.” What would our sex lives look like as adults if, from a young age, there were ongoing, honest conversations about pleasure, relationships, sex, and communication? What would it mean for your sex life if you were given the skills to explore what kinds of sexual activity (be it solo or with others) give you pleasure? I believe that these skills would also help us all to feel confident when communicating with our sexual partner(s) that a particular sexual activity doesn’t feel good. We all have the right to pleasure and it’s not a scarce resource, despite what we often hear.

Good sex ed also includes learning about how power operates in sexual relationships. Rarely do we learn about how dominant sexual scripts are built on things like white supremacy, anti-Black racism, misogyny, and capitalism. These scripts can lead some people to believe they can have unfettered access to our bodies, or the expectation that they should never be rejected in their own pursuit of pleasure, regardless of how the other party feels.

We know that sexual assault can take place after someone has initially consented to sexual activity. What if sex education talked about the pleasures of hearing and saying no? Imagine knowing how to deal with being rejected as well as rejecting someone, saying, “not now, no or maybe later.” Imagine knowing how to be a partner that checks in, listens, and responds with care on an ongoing basis. Knowing that it’s okay if someone isn’t attracted to you. That rejection is not about shame or being unlovable — it’s about someone feeling safe enough to say “not this time” or “not ever.” A “no” to you is a “yes” to ourselves, and isn’t that what we want? We want to be with people who we desire and who desire us.

Wouldn’t it be so much better if our partner said “so we both consented, now what? I want to know what feels good for you and share what feels good to me.”

I want us all to have the skills to non-verbally check in with a partner; slow down the pace, stop altogether, look into their eyes, pause to see what they would do next, breathe together, grab a glass of water. I want us all to be well-versed in communicating about what we both want before anything starts, about how we are feeling during a sexual experience, and our aftercare needs — no matter if it’s a one-time hookup or a long-term relationship.

Imagine how much better your relationships would be if you knew how to communicate during sex, not just “slower faster, slower, harder, use two fingers, YES, right there.” But also how to verbally check-in: “What is your favourite way to…; I’m only into this if you are. How are you feeling? It’s okay for us to stop; Is this a good touch for you; Would you like it if we…?; Want to switch it up or slow it down?; Are you into this

Working daily with survivors of sexual violence, I know all too well the importance of checking in with ourselves. I want sexual health information that affirms that we can learn to understand and listen to our bodies, to know what signals our body and mind give us when something feels good. I want us to be able to discern if we are nervous-excited or nervous-scared about an intimate situation. Self-touch, even if it’s not genital-focused, is one way to pay attention to our emotional and physical reactions. This can help us grow to understand our boundaries, work through triggers, and practise being present during sex. For many people including survivors, this can be a safer way to gain sexual confidence in ourselves.

Trusting ourselves is a skill that many of us are told to ignore so that people, including our family members, can have access to us without consent — like pressuring you to hug an uncle despite your misgivings. I want us all to have the ability to give ourselves permission to move away from an unwelcome situation, or an unsafe relationship without fear. What if we create space in education that affirms our bodies and minds to know what we need?

Thirteen-year-old me might not have invented masturbation, but I still consider myself a genius for realizing that pleasure was something I had a right to. Even if it took decades to recognize that there is nothing to be ashamed of in pursuing it.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Spice Up Your Sex Life

It’s human nature to crave novelty between the sheets.

By Maressa Brown

Whether you’ve been in a monogamous relationship for years or you’re single and loving it, it’s easy to find yourself wanting to infuse your sex life with more adrenaline. After all, no matter how much you adore getting it on with your partner — or yourself — it’s just human nature to crave novelty between the sheets.

“As humans we are constantly growing, changing, and evolving” — and it’s normal to want your sex life to evolve as well, Stephanie Macadaan, a licensed marriage and family therapist in the Bay Area, California, points out.

Nazanin Moali, Ph.D., a certified sex therapist in Torrance, California agrees, adding that sexual pleasure can suffer when sexual experiences feel monotonous and routine. “While the sense of safety that couples feel with one another can deeply enhance sex life, over time, it may also become mundane and repetitive,” she notes. “It is vital and healthy for couples to push themselves to introduce change and novelty, even if only by a small amount. This ensures that the security, care, and intimacy one feels with their partner doesn’t turn tedious.”

Here, several techniques for spicing up your sex life, according to experts.

How to Lay the Groundwork for Spicing Things Up

You might feel ready to dive into experimenting with new toys, positions, or something like role-playing but also find that you or your partner are grappling with underlying fear or hesitation. This is due to messaging that certain types of sexual play are not acceptable or are shameful, says Macadaan. That’s why it’s important to first reflect on and get in touch with what you learned around this in order to bolster openness around sex, she explains.

“It’s also really important to talk openly with your partner about what you are each comfortable with,” she adds. “Sex can be a sensitive topic, so getting help from a therapist may help to ensure you are staying connected, on the same page, and not feeling pressured or pushed into things that don’t feel comfortable.”

Techniques to Turn Up the Heat

It’s easy to feel overwhelmed by the many ways you might be able to switch up your between-the-sheets routine, but Kate Balestrieri, Psy.D., sex and intimacy therapist and founder of Modern Intimacy suggests thinking of it as simply adding a new or less frequently included dimension to your sexual repertoire. “This could be a mindset, a position, an accessory, fantasy, etc.,” she notes.

A few steps to consider taking when you’re first getting started:

Get academic.

Balestrieri recommends checking out the sexual education site OMGyes, whether you’re solo or partnered. “It’s a great resource for vulva owners or the people who are intimate with them,” she says. “Their science-backed research on pleasure offers tons of new ways to play.”

And Zhana Vrangalova, Ph.D., NYU professor of Human Sexuality and a sexpert for LELO likes online courses offered by Kenneth Play, Beducated.com, and KinkAcademy.com. “People can also take in-person or online workshops at sex stores and communities like the Pleasure Chest, Babeland, or Hacienda,” she adds.

Share a sexual fantasy with your partner.

Even if you don’t plan to explore it in real life, tell your partner about a fantasy you’ve had. “Giving your partner access to your hidden, sexual thoughts can feel vulnerable and sexy to both of you,” says Moali. “Through this, you may also be able to open the door to exploring shared sexual interests.”

Along the same track: Read erotica and listen to steamy podcasts or stories (an app to try: Dipsea).

Get creative with toys.

When you think about sex toys, dildos and vibrators are likely the first examples to pop into your mind. But there are a variety of toys that can be used all over the body to crank up the intensity and fun of foreplay — during partnered or solo sex. Balestrieri recommends the following:

  • The Trojan Ultra Touch Fingertip Vibrator: “This one’s unique in that it allows you to use your own hand to touch, but changes the sensations you or your partner receives, making it great for nipple, clitoral, or other erogenous zone stimulation,” she says.
  • The Neptune 2 from Jimmy Jane: “An amazing start for prostate stimulation, this toy gives you access to the P-spot through stimulating the perineum or the anus.”
  • The Anal Training Kit and Education Set from B-Vibe: “A must for beginners looking to explore anal play safely.”

Go shopping.

If you want to get more hands-on with toy selection, Amy Baldwin, sex educator, sex and relationship coach, and co-host of the Shameless Sex Podcast recommends going on a date to your local sex toy shop — solo or with your S.O. “Walk around the shop and check out all of the toys that are available to you,” she advises. “The best sex-positive shops will have knowledgeable employees who can tell you more about each toy while providing specific recommendations based on your preferences.”

You can then add the toys you find to one of three lists labeled, “yes,” “no,” and maybe.” “Some toys might be a strong yes while others might be a strong no, and that’s for you to decide,” says Baldwin. From there, you can start out with the one(s) that felt like a no-brainer.

Set the stage for dirty talk.

Speaking of sexually-charged communication, Vrangalova recommends trying any of the following if you want to get started with dirty talk:

  • Start by describing what you’re doing to each other, going to do to each other, and would like to do to each other.
  • Pick some names or honorifics you can use for each other (slut, whore, boy, girl, daddy, sir, ma’am, etc.).
  • Recount a porn video you watched together.

Invite aggression to the party.

Sure, you might not be ready for full-blown Christian Grey-level activities, but moving from more vanilla to rougher play with a partner might appeal. “If you’re new to pain exchange during sex, you might try some light biting, pinching, or spanking before moving to more aggressive moves,” says Balestrieri.

However, a word of warning to bear in mind along the way: “Always get enthusiastic consent before you try something aggressive and check-in throughout to ensure your partner is still on board,” she notes. “Establish a safe word, so you both have a hard stop if anyone gets uncomfortable. Remember to engage in adequate aftercare after your aggressive sexual experience to help each other transition back to your everyday lives and to debrief.”

Come up with a sexy schedule.

Vrangalova recommends setting up a weekly or bi-weekly or monthly — whatever works with your schedules — research and development play date. Every time, one of you can introduce a new toy, accessory, or sex act for you to both try to whatever extent you are both comfortable with.

As she notes, “Some things might work great, and you might incorporate them more regularly into your sex life; others might not work out and you get to laugh about them.” And ultimately, openness and experimentation with the activities that didn’t work out can elevate your overall pleasure.

The bottom-line, according to Macadaan: “It’s normal for sex to ebb and flow throughout a relationship, but if sex and intimacy decrease to the point of feeling disconnected, it’s important to notice that and put a renewed focus on that part of your life as a couple. After all, if you’re monogamous, sex is the one thing that makes your relationship unique from every other relationship in your life.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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BDSM Sex Can Actually Cure Your Anxiety, Says Science

By Rebecca Jane Stokes

It used to be if you wanted to hear about BDSM sex, you had to hunt for some dirty stories about bondage in furtive dark corners.

Although it’s now known that people who have BDSM sex are healthier and less neurotic, this kink was still something secretive and vaguely dirty that no polite-minded person would ever talk about in public.

But now, thanks in part (she typed ruefully) to the success of books like 50 Shades of Grey, BDSM has become more and more mainstream.

People who might have gone a lifetime having perfectly reasonable vanilla sex have started to discover their kinky BDSM sides and more power to them.

Even people who aren’t into BDSM don’t look down their noses at this kinky lifestyle the way they might have in the past.

BDSM sex has become so mainstream that science has even started researching it.

That’s how you know your kink has arrived when someone is watching you engage in it whilst clutching a clipboard.

A study by Northern Illinois University has found that BDSM sex can help increase mindfulness, reduce stress, make you hyperaware, and help people stay in the moment.

So yeah, it’s basically like yoga but with optional full penetration.

The researchers watched couples engaged in BDSM sex (those kinky little scientists) and discovered that they entered a state they called “flow”, which is similar to the state an athlete gets when they are”in the zone.”

This is also presumably the same state I get into when presented with a dozen hot chocolate chip cookies.

The researchers say that “Flow is an enjoyable and pleasurable state that people get into when they are performing an activity that requires a high level of skill. It’s a state in which the rest of the world kind of fades away and somebody is concentrating very intensely only on what they are doing.”

The researchers monitored the stress, testosterone, and cortisol levels of seven couples who engaged in BDSM sex. In addition to this easy-to-track physical stuff, they also recorded the couples’ mood, closeness, and their “flow” state.

All of the participants in the study reported being in a better mood after this kind of sex, and their stress levels were SUPER reduced after engaging in BDSM sex.

None of this seems that surprising to me at all. I’m a highly anxious person, and I have always maintained that part of what draws me to the BDSM kink is the intense feeling of relaxation it makes me feel. For me, it’s partially giving up all of my worry and control to someone else that is so sensationally de-stressing.

So it makes sense to me that there’s a science to back up those very real feelings.

You don’t have to be a kinky person who is into BDSM sex to get your stress relief. There are plenty of other ways of reducing stress and anxiety, like going for a run or joining your church choir.

But if having rigorous sex is ever a cure for something, you can rest assured that this is the cure I will take.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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New ways to think about sex

An enjoyable sexual relationship can happen without traditional intercourse.

By Matthew Solan

People’s bodies change over time. Probably nowhere is this most telling than with their sex lives.

For men, sexual drive can slow as hormone production naturally drops, and it’s common to experience erectile dysfunction or health issues that can interfere with sexual performance.

Women can have their own physical barriers to sex, such as vaginal dryness and lower libido after menopause. All of these issues can make conventional sex problematic and stressful for both parties.

“Even though older adults go through physical changes, they often expect their sex life to stay the way it was decades earlier, and that is just not always realistic,” says Dr. Sharon Bober, director of the Sexual Health Program at Harvard-affiliated Dana-Farber Cancer Institute. “Still, there are many ways to continue a strong, healthy sexual relationship without always relying on regular intercourse. Couples should see this new phase of their sex lives as an opportunity to explore different and exciting ways to satisfy each other.”

Redefining sex

The first step older couples should take is to re-examine their definition of “sex.” “Don’t give in to the idea of a so-called normal sex life being narrowly defined,” says Dr. Bober. “Sex refers to a broad spectrum, and there are many places you can land.”

Examine what sex now means to you and your partner. This could mean changing how you pleasure each other, routines you follow, and frequency — as well as making compromises about expectations. “Don’t assume there is only one way to have a sexual relationship,” says Dr. Bober. “It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.”

Your relationship status also can shape this new idea of sex. For instance, some couples may enjoy a connection based more on companionship, where the emphasis is on emotional bonding and spending quality time together and less on the physical side.

Language of love

As with most aspects of a strong relationship, communication is vital. “The more you avoid talking about your sex lives, the bigger the issues become,” says Dr. Bober.

Of course, talking about sex isn’t always easy, but most partners are open and willing to discuss and share if given a chance. “Often partners aren’t sure how to begin the conversation, so it never happens,” she says. There are many ways to initiate a sex dialogue. Here are some suggestions:

Seek permission. Begin the conversation positively. For instance, say something like “I want to find ways to reconnect that feel good for both of us” or “Our sex life has been on my mind and I have been wondering if I could share some of my thoughts. Is it okay to talk about it?”

By asking for permission, you can broach the topic without intimidating your partner. “This initial conversation is not about making demands, but about finding ways to explore mutual goals,” says Dr. Bober.

Invite a response. Make it clear you want to hear your partner’s feelings too. For example, say, “I’ve been wondering how you feel about our sex life. What has sex been like for you?” Inviting partners to participate can prevent them from feeling defensive and shows you care about their experience and input, says Dr. Bober.

Express what you both want. Talk about what you both hope to gain from this new sexual relationship, such as more excitement, greater closeness, or even reconnection. “Sharing your needs and expectations helps your partner express theirs, so you both can come to some kind of mutual understanding,” says Dr. Bober.

Different ways to satisfy

Once you’ve had these talks, then you both can look for different ways to approach your new sex life.

Dr. Bober says a good place to begin is with “outercourse.” Here, the attention and energy are directed toward foreplay and manual stimulation with your partner, like massages, hugging, petting, kissing, or just snuggling naked in bed.

“The emphasis is on intimacy and closeness without any big expectations of intercourse,” says Dr. Bober. “This can take the pressure off both partners and eliminate some of the stress and anxiety of having regular sex. It also shows that you can interact with your partner in various satisfying ways.”

Penetration is not always needed to achieve pleasure or orgasm for both people. Instead, try sexual aids like vibrators as well as manual stimulation, masturbation, and oral sex.

As you explore ways to stay intimate, be mindful that every couple is unique.

“A sexual relationship is defined by the two people in it and nobody else,” says Dr. Bober. “Focus on what matters to you and your partner. Your sex lives may have changed, but together you can discover what’s best for each other and your relationship.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!