Tag: sex and relationship advice

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The Psychology of Love

How we love one another varies greatly

Like hunger, thirst, sleep and sex, love is essential for human survival. It can often feel so primal and mysterious that it may be hard for some of us to define. For thousands of years, we’ve tried to understand how love works by studying it and writing about it in songs and poetry. We’ve seen love play out so many times in movies and television shows that we find ourselves time and time again rooting for our favorite couples and wishing to live out our own wildest dreams.

But if love has the ability to inspire entire nations to act in the name of love — after all, Helen of Troy was said to launch a thousand ships based on her beauty alone — can we ever hope to understand the breadth and depth of true love and all of its qualities?

Ahead of Valentine’s Day, psychologist Susan Albers, PsyD, breaks down the various types of love based on one popular psychological theory, how we move between different stages of our relationships, and how love languages can impact the way we support each other when we need it most.

Different types of love

There are a number of theories that categorize the kinds of love we experience in our lives (and some that even stem as far back as the ancient Greeks). Dr. Albers points to Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love, in particular as one theory that’s inclusive and easy to understand no matter the kind of relationship you’re in.

Sternberg’s theory proposes that all relationships are fundamentally based on three key components that function as the three points of a relational triangle: intimacy, passion and commitment.

  • Intimacy is based on an emotional bond and a feeling of closeness and comfort.
  • Passion includes sexual and physical attraction and that feeling of romance.
  • Commitment is the decision or choice to love another person and the efforts that someone is willing to do to maintain that relationship.

“Attraction is more like a magnetic force you can feel,” says Dr. Albers. “When those fun butterfly feelings evolve into a warm sense of commitment and care for someone’s needs, this is a sign of love developing.”

There are eight kinds of love that can occur based on varying levels of each key component. Each kind of love is different enough that you might find yourself maintaining relationships in several categories, but sometimes, a single relationship will evolve over time, transitioning among the types along the way.

Non-love

This type of love is a bit self-explanatory. In this type of connection, you’re indifferent to the other person. There’s no passion, no intimacy and no need for commitment. This person may be someone you see on the street, an acquaintance or someone you know very casually.

Liking

This type of love is the basis for most friendships. In this category, you’re high on intimacy but there’s no passion or commitment. In this type of love, you’re more focused on the real close bond you share with someone else, so you strengthen that bond over similar qualities, interests or characteristics.

Infatuation

High in passion, but without intimacy or commitment, this is what most people think of when they have a crush or experience love at first sight. You may not know someone on a deeper level, but you’ll experience real physical changes like the feeling of butterflies in your stomach or a sense of anxiousness or a flush of desire whenever you see or think about the person you’re attracted to. “A lot of relationships start out this way and then, if they’re going to be lasting, they turn over into something more romantic,” says Dr. Albers.

Empty love

If you’re experiencing high levels of commitment, but you’re without passion or intimacy, this is called empty love. Sometimes, this can be the starting point in an arranged marriage or couples find themselves experiencing this type of love if they’re staying together for their kids or not financially stable enough to leave a relationship. “Unfortunately, I think I see empty love the most in counseling,” says Dr. Albers. “This can feel like a really difficult place for people because they feel kind of stuck. They want to build more intimacy or passion because it was there initially.”

Romantic love

This type of love may encompass a few kinds of relationships. High in passion and intimacy, but without commitment, you may fall into this type if you’re dating someone but you’re not quite exclusive. Friends with benefits fall into this category, too, especially if you’ve known someone for a while and have a close bond. “Maybe they’ve been burned in the past or maybe they’re divorced and afraid of recommitting,” says Dr. Albers. “Maybe they feel that spark but they’re unsure if this is someone they want to commit to.”

Companionate love

Think of this stage as an elevated form of liking: Maybe you’ve been friends for years or you’re best friends who rely on each other through thick and thin. With high levels of intimacy and commitment, but no passion, these are some of your deepest bonds that can often lead to a lifetime of connection.

Fatuous love

This type of love burns bright and fast. High in passion and commitment, but without intimacy, this is a swift-moving relationship that evolves from one stage to the next quite quickly. Maybe you’re comfortable moving in or getting married much sooner than most. Sexual attraction is a huge driver for this kind of relationship, but perhaps you don’t know each other on a deeper level than in other relationships.

“You feel a lot of sparks toward this person and you’re committed, but all of a sudden, you might start to realize that there’s no emotional connection,” explains Dr. Albers. “It’s hard to get out of this relationship because you’ve already tied yourself in.” And, when some relationships burn too bright too fast, they may burn out quickly, resulting in someone getting ghosted.

Consummate love

This is the kind of love that’s top tier, the one all the movies, books and songs try to capture in one fell swoop. Sternberg theorized that all relationships should try to achieve this type of love, but this is the most difficult love to achieve, as it requires a perfect balance among high levels of intimacy, passion and commitment.

“This is the gold standard of relationships,” says Dr. Albers. “There are a lot of expectations or feelings in how your relationship should be, but the reality of life is that it’s hard to always feel passionate with your partner and sometimes it’s a challenge to have the time to connect with your significant other.”

Regardless of where your relationship falls, it’s important to recognize that while there’s no wrong way to build a relationship, the kind of love you’re searching for depends on the degree you work on all three key components.

“Relationships that are based on a single element are less likely to survive and keep going than one based on two or more aspects,” says Dr. Albers. “It’s helpful to know which pieces are missing or which pieces you want to build up in your relationship.”

Stages of love

So how long does it take for someone to fall in love?

For some, it takes mere seconds and for others, it could take years. If someone has had more positive experiences and knows exactly what they want, love can happen more quickly than someone who might have experienced hard breakups or trauma. But it also depends on how you’re defining love and the strength of your connection.

“Your history and the strength of your physical reactions can dictate how quickly you fall in love,” says Dr. Albers. “Some people call the first initial stage of infatuation love and other people move toward the last stage of attachment and that’s when they put the label of love on it.”

Stage one: Falling in love

Attraction comes at you fast. According to one study, it takes just one-fifth of a second for someone to know if they’re attracted to someone. That heady rush of dopamine brings on a flush of feelings, notably butterflies, intense longing and fixation. In fact, some neurobiological studies indicate areas of the brain become increasingly more excited when someone sees the face of the person they love or are attracted to.

“Love starts in the brain, not the heart,” says Dr. Albers. “When people report being in love, they have a tsunami of activity in the brain.”

Often, we’re attracted to someone that feels familiar, so if you happen to have a type, there’s probably a reason for that.

“There is a lot happening unconsciously in terms of the pull toward someone and it’s usually because they’re familiar in some way, whether it’s their mannerisms, their demeanor or their presentation of the world,” explains Dr. Albers.

However short-lived this first initial stage of love may be, there’s a certain level of excitement and drive associated with it to kickstart the rest of your relationship, should it go any further than love at first sight.

Stage two: Getting to the good part

If the first stage of falling in love is about attraction, the second stage is all about removing the rose-colored glasses and really seeing the person you’re attracted to. It’s normal to transplant expectations and desires on the person we’re attracted to in an effort to fit the mold for that theatrical romance we’ve always dreamed about. But that often means you’ll overlook red flags.

“In the second stage, there’s some disillusionment,” says Dr. Albers. “You really get to know who they are instead of who you want them to be. If you continue to bond and like who you see, that’s what moves you into the next phase.”

Sometimes, love can be challenging in that it fulfills a need in the moment, and then that need may eventually change over time. Sometimes, you might find that your needs are overlooked in exchange for prioritizing your partner’s needs, which results in a codependent relationship. But the biggest takeaway here is: If someone doesn’t love you on the same level you love them, that’s OK.

“A lot of times, people take it personally,” says Dr. Albers. “Them not loving you has more to do with them than it does with you. The people who are the most successful at love are those that can accept the other person for who they are without trying to change them.”

Stage three: Creating an attachment

Over time, your dopamine levels tend to drop off so that the thrill of love and all that adrenaline you feel during initial attraction starts to settle down. As you further solidify your connection with your partner and create an attachment to them, your brain increases its levels of oxytocin and vasopressin, which help maintain that bonded feeling you have for longer periods.

“Those feelings of lust and that wild excitement of attraction mellows and turns into feelings of connection,” says Dr. Albers. “It goes from fireworks to feeling like you care about that person’s needs and you’re interested in their future and you invest in them.”

Once you’re attached to someone, they play a pretty significant role in your life even when you’re participating in the smallest, mundane, everyday activities. You tend to grow together and partner up: It’s your team against the world.

And if at some point that attachment deteriorates and you end up growing apart from one another, you’re forever changed by it.

“When people talk about people from their past that they’ve loved, they’ve been changed by it in some ways that can’t ever be undone,” says Dr. Albers. “They still play a role in your memory and care, and those experiences change what love means to you.”

How your love languages affect your relationships

With all the physical changes that come with falling in love, and all the added pressure of expectations versus reality, it can seem a bit daunting when trying to figure out how to strengthen relationships and maintain them long past the honeymoon phase. If you’re looking to start with simple solutions, Dr. Albers suggests considering the five love languages, a concept created by author Gary Chapman in 1992.

“It’s a simple way to communicate the very important concept that there are various ways to feel loved,” says Dr. Albers.

The idea poses that there are five main love languages in which we express love and want to be loved, and while you may find more meaningful experiences by expressing one of these languages, your partner may find more meaning in others. The key here is identifying how you want to be loved, but also finding ways to love your partner through these five areas:

  • Words of affirmation: Telling your partner what you love about them, small acts of praise or giving them compliments are small ways to express this love language — but it doesn’t have to stop at words.You can send a thoughtful card, email or text, or share a meaningful memory, photo, meme or social media post to drive this one home.
  • Acts of service: This love language is about picking up responsibility in small and meaningful ways. Maybe your partner doesn’t like doing a certain chore, so you pick that up for them. Or, it could be as simple as cooking them breakfast, bringing them a cup of coffee or offering to run errands when they’re short on time or feeling sick. “Love is a verb,” says Dr. Albers. “Do one thing each day to make your partner feel special.”
  • Quality time: If your partner loves new experiences and date night ideas, this might be the area to focus on. The key here is to give your partner your undivided attention. Maybe go on a walk, watch a movie or pick up a hobby together. Whatever you decide to do, it’s important to do it fully with your partner’s focus front and center. “You can do acts of service while spending time together,” says Dr. Albers. “When your partner is talking, put down your phone and really take in what they’re saying.”
  • Gift giving: Roses, jewelry or any small token of your affection — this one is pretty straightforward and tends to be amplified when important events, holidays or anniversaries roll around. And you don’t necessarily need to go big or go home — a gift can be something as simple as picking up their favorite snack for your next movie night.
  • Physical touch: This could be as simple as holding hands, cuddling, a kiss or a hug. If physical touch is high on your partner’s list, sexual intimacy may also rank high on their priorities. “The person who uses words to express their affection instead of touch may have to work a bit harder to get out of their comfort zone and think about connecting through touch,” notes Dr. Albers.

The sooner you communicate with your partner, the easier it’ll become to love, elevate and support them. And if there is ever a lull in the relationship, turning to these love languages as life rafts may be key in getting things back on the right track.

“You can identify what someone’s love language is at any point and it’s really a helpful tool in helping to express how you care about someone,” says Dr. Albers.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Study Reveals The Average Time It Takes To Make A Woman Orgasm & It’s Not That Hard

By Manya Ailawadi

Finally, the world is ready to take women’s sexual pleasure seriously – and here’s all you need to know. Researchers have published a study that gives us the average time it takes for a heterosexual woman to reach orgasm. According to the research, it takes around 13.41 minutes. The study focused on women older than 18 years, who are in a monogamous stable heterosexual relationship.

We hope we have your attention because there’s more. The study also revealed that only 31.4 percent of participants climaxed during penetrative sex. The sample size of the research was 645 women, from 20 different countries. So many numbers, right? Additionally, it also measured ‘orgasmic latency‘, which is the gap between arousal and climax.  

This research talks about other factors which affect how you O, too. It also suggests that when the woman was on top – almost 42.2 percent of them reported longer-lasting sensations. The study was published in The Journal Of Sexual Medicine – which also revealed that the age of women and the time that they had been with their partner did not have a significant effect on how long orgasms took. So you know that the spark definitely doesn’t ‘frizzle out’.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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We’re having less sex because we’re too busy, not because of social media

Research suggests that adults and teenagers are having less sex now than 30 years ago. But is there more to the story, and why does it matter anyway?

 

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Adults and young people in the US seem to be having less sex than previous generations, according to a study published in November 2021. As is often the case, mobile phones have been named as the cause of this change in behaviour, but is that really what’s going on?

This finding was based on data from the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior (NSSHB), comparing over 8,500 individuals responses from 2009 and 2018.

The results echoed a similar study in the UK, called the National Surveys of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal), which has been collecting information about the public’s sexual experiences for over three decades.

The Natsal researchers have found that with every survey, the average number of occasions of sex per week has decreased: in 1991, respondents said they had sex five times a month. In 2001, this was down to four times per month, and by 2012, the average number was three per month. Unfortunately, the fourth survey was postponed due to COVID-19, though the team hope to complete the study in 2022-23.

When asked if Brits are having less sex, Soazig Clifton, the academic director for Natsal at University College London, replied with “a resounding yes”. But it’s not just the case in the UK and the US. “If you look around the world, other comparable studies show a decrease as well. So, it seems to be a real international trend.”

Studies in Germany looking at sexual activity in men and women showed a decline from 2005 to 2016, which the researchers suggest could be due to “a reduced proportion of [individuals] living with a partner”. But Clifton says that extracting the data of only cohabiting couples, Natsal researchers still found a decrease in sexual activity over the three studies.

Both the Natsal UK study and the US NSSHB study split findings between adolescents and adults. Both found that the two groups were having less sex. For teens in particular, the US researchers found a significant difference in the instances of heterosexual sex – in 2009, 79 per cent of those between the ages 14-17 said they had not had sex in the past year. Nearly a decade later, 89 per cent of adolescents reported no sex.

Why aren’t the kids doing it?

Some have asked whether this could be down to young adults’ penchant (and perhaps preference) for social media and video gaming. Clifton warns that observational studies, like Natsal and NSSHB, “can’t easily answer the ‘why’ questions”.

“It is certainly theoretically plausible that people are spending so much time on their iPads and phones, connecting with others virtually rather than having sex with the person next to them,” says Clifton.

But it’s also possible that people feel more comfortable talking about sex now, compared with the 1990s, says Clifton. “Maybe people are more able to tell us that they’re not having sex. There is some statistical work we’ve done that shows we have a bit less reporting bias in our data. These decreases in biases would go along with the increased, more nuanced public conversation about sex.” However, Clifton explains this wouldn’t solely account for such a striking trend, though admits it might be part of the problem.

The idea that we are too busy – with phones, games or life in general – has been the subject of smaller, qualitative work by the Natsal. “The researchers worked with middle-aged women,” says Clifton. “And something that came up in that research was that women were too tired for sex. They had so much else going on in their life.”

“We looked at the first lockdown, which was particularly restrictive, and the impact on sex lives was really different for different groups of people.” The Natsal-COVID study showed that for people living with a partner, the frequency of sex was roughly the same as before the lockdown.

“In fact, most people didn’t report a change in their satisfaction with their sex lives. Some people say to me, ‘everyone will be having more sex because they were locked in a house together’. It’s just not the case.

“However, we were more likely to see a decline in frequency and satisfaction amongst people not living with partners, and amongst young people,” says Clifton.

Satisfaction, not frequency, is key, says Clifton. Prior to the pandemic, Natsal researchers found that most people believed others were having more frequent sex than they were having themselves. This misalignment could cause dissatisfaction in itself, one Natsal researcher wrote.

Why does it matter how much sex people are having?

“It’s part of the picture of understanding society, along with other areas of health and behaviours in our population,” says Clifton.

“Sometimes [sexual activity] gets dismissed as being less important than other aspects of people’s lives. For some people, it’s a really important part of their life.”

These studies are even more important in countries with related problems, like declining birth rates. “Some of the countries who have also seen the decline in sex are quite worried about their declining birth rate – understanding patterns of sexual behaviour and frequency of sex are an important part of that puzzle.

“The Natsal study covers a wide range of topics related to sexual health, much more than just how often people are having sex. We cover things like nonconsensual sex, STIs, and different reproductive health outcomes.”

In the UK, Clifton says that there are those that would like to be having more sex, though most participants who reported having no sex in the past year said they were not dissatisfied with their sexual lives. For couples and the importance of sex for sustaining relationships, Clifton says there is some evidence it’s quality, not quantity, that matters.

“We don’t need to be worried about whether our relationship is going to fall apart [because of it].”

In fact, 25 per cent of men and women who are in a relationship reported that they do not share the same level of interest in sex as their partner. What we see in the media, Clifton says, is a misrepresentation of what’s normal in terms of sex. Instead of making people feel bad about their sex lives, understanding averages can help us feel happier with what we’ve got, three times a month.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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#1 Way To Fix Low Libido

By Colette Malan

Do you struggle with low sexual desire? If so, you’re not alone. While trying to figure out what women really want, the research found that about one-third of the women in the United States have low sexual desire.

There’s a surefire way to increase your libido, though, and it’s easier than you may think: have more sex!

As you try to understand your own sexual desire, there are a handful of things to consider.

The first is that there are very real biological components affecting a women’s sexual desire. For example, women have 20-40 percent less testosterone than men.

Testosterone is the hormone that gives men that compelling sex drive, and because women have so much less than men, it’s easy to see why our sex drive is less enthusiastic compared to that of a normal guy.

But it’s not just the hormones themselves that work against our sex drive; it’s also the frequency of their distribution in our blood that has an effect.

For most men, these distributions are consistently frequent, like the sun’s rising and setting.

The testosterone in their bloodstream spikes about every 15 minutes, supporting an ever-ready libido. It’s a completely different scenario for women. A woman’s libido is more like the moon in its cyclical nature.

Like the moon, our hormone pattern spans a 28-day cycle, in which the hormones and our sex drive differ throughout the month. 

Depending on our hormones on any given day, a woman’s libido may be optimal, like a full moon. Some days it may be only operating at half-speed. There are also days when it’s like a new moon and reduced down to nothing.

This is why our moods and sex drive are inconsistent and often frustrating for both ourselves and our partners.

The bottom line is that the very fact that you are a woman gives you a sexual drive disadvantage as compared to men — right from the starting gate.

For many women, there is also a myriad of other biological, psychological, and relationship factors that contribute to inhibiting a healthy sexual desire.

But all is not lost! While it feels unfair, as a sex therapist and a woman who once had low sexual desire herself, I’m here to tell you I have figured out the secrets on how to increase it.

In fact, the truth is that once a woman figures out how to access her own sex drive, she will discover that many women actually have a stronger, more limitless sexual capacity than men! We just have to know how to tap into our sexual potential.

To ignite your own sexual desire, you have to begin by having more sex. And yes, for many I know this seems counterintuitive, but the truth is, to kick start your own desire you need to start having sex.

From this place, it becomes easier to engage your libido… and a healthier dose of desire comes from there.

Feeling skeptical? Here are a few reasons why having more sex will increase your sexual desire:

Sex is like exercise.

If you haven’t exercised for a long time and you’re out of shape, your first day back at the gym may be hell. It won’t feel good and it will be hard. But if you ignore your resistance and keep working out, your body will kick back into gear. After a while, you’ll start to feel really good. Sex operates the same way. If you haven’t been sexual for a while, it will be hard to get going again. But once you get those feel-good endorphins kicked back in, you’ll be glad you stayed with it.

We all know that having sufficient sex hormones is essential for having sexual desire. But one thing you probably aren’t aware of is that having sex actually increases those hormones. Crazy, but true.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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This is what it’s *really* like to date someone in an open relationship

From drawing boundaries to catching feelings, here’s your guide to navigating non-monogamous situationships with someone who already has a partner

By Saskia Calliste

Thanks to celebrities like the Smith family, Bella Thorne and Shailene Woodley, more people know about polyamory, throuples, open relationships and ethical non-monogamy than ever before. A once-closeted expression of love is now out in the open – and once taboo relationship structures have opened up to people who disagree with traditional attitudes towards monogamy.

However, the growing conversation around open relationships, especially in high profile pairings like Will and Jada, tends to focus more on the couples themselves – but what about the people they are dating and forming relationships with outside of their socially recognised and validated partnerships?

Who are the unicorns? Who are the thirds? How do we navigate these new dating realities when we develop feelings for individuals who already have a partner (or two)? For many people, this line of thought brings up question after question but, after a recent experience of my own, I’m set on finding answers.

“Who are the unicorns? Who are the thirds?”

Last year, I was involved in a situationship with a man, let’s call him Jason*, in an open relationship. The title of “third” or “unicorn” was not something I had a right to – and that’s because I walked into the fringes of someone else’s open relationship, not having the first clue what I was getting myself involved in.

The rules with Jason were simple: “low-aggro and don’t catch feelings because my partner will always come first.” I thought that was fair, and I wasn’t exactly looking to get into a relationship with someone already spoken for. In fact, at this stage, I was pretty much on the same page as Jason: looking for fun and an antidote to the mess and stress of conventional dating. Where is the harm in that? Well, playing out like any early 2000s rom-com, I can tell you that this arrangement worked for a while before the inevitable happened: I caught feelings. Surprise!

“The rules with Jason were simple: ‘low-aggro and don’t catch feelings.'”

During the whole experience, I tried to keep it business as usual, seeing other people to avoid the tragic fate of my life turning into an unrequited love story. But the truth was, unlike in other types of polyamorous dating, where honest communication is encouraged, dating this individual left me without any bargaining power and made me feel like I couldn’t speak up for myself for fear of being perceived as too immature to deal with what I signed up for.

It was particularly difficult because, at least in the eyes of the guy I was with, I had no rights to these feelings of sadness, anger or upset because I wasn’t supposed to have them in the first place. I was made to feel disposable, cut off and disregarded like my feelings were completely irrelevant. Regardless of whether I willingly entered this situationship or not, that is a difficult position to be in.

My situation with Jason made me wonder if I’d ever consider dating someone in an open relationship again. From the little I did know, truly open relationships, ethical non-monogamy and poly relationships are supposed to be based on trust, openness and most of all respect – and that extends to casual dating as well as committed relationships. I knew that the kind of situationship I was involved in wasn’t representative of the community as a whole.

In search of answers about the realities of responsible and ethical non-monogamous (ENM) dating, I reached out to Ana Kirova. The CEO of Feeld, a progressive dating app with over 20 sexuality and gender options, and an ethical non-monogamous person herself, she’s just the kind of expert needed to guide any newbies through the ins-and-outs of dating someone in an open relationship. Want to know more? Keep reading…

Expert advice on dating someone in an open relationship

Q. First thing’s first: how do I know that dating someone in an open relationship is right for me when I’ve only dated monogamous people before?

There’s no straightforward response to that question – but after some self-education and soul-searching the answer might be a lot more clear. “Researching and expanding your understanding of open relationships can be really helpful to start giving definitions to what you might be missing in your current relationship. Books, blogs and podcasts can empower you to understand ethical non-monogamy and help you make an informed decision before entering a new relationship structure,” Kirova explains.

Finding community through apps an also be a great learning tool, she says.“Connecting with a community is another great way to learn about ENM and to feel less isolated in your exploration. Many people join Feeld to meet others who have already explored different relationship structures.”

And as Kirova emphasises, sometimes the healthiest thing is to be honest with yourself about what you don’t want. “As with exploring any desire, it’s important to go at a pace you’re comfortable with and to be open and honest with yourself and your partner(s). Be open minded and reflect on how you’re feeling – finding out ENM isn’t for you is an equally valid and empowering choice. Exploring is a practice on its own, so be patient and open with yourself.”

Q. I took the plunge and started casually dating someone who’s currently in an open relationship. What should I do if I start developing feelings for them?

Okay, this can be a sticky one! But as Kirova recommends, honesty and direct communication are the way forward.

“Be honest with that person and share how you feel. If the person you are dating feels happy in an open relationship, reflect on your own feelings and desires and whether you are willing to accept them and their preferred relationship structure,” Kirova explains. “It’s a good idea to research ENM and the different types of open relationship structures. It helps give things a name which allows for more confidence and clarity when you’re reflecting on them.”

“It may be the case that both of you need different things from a relationship”

But you also need to be having these kinds of discussions with yourself. “Be very honest with yourself and your desires, reflect on what is your preferred relationship structure and how far you are happy to negotiate if you are willing to negotiate at all,” Kirova says. “Something I really want to emphasise is that it’s okay to not want an open relationship or another ENM arrangement, wanting commitment within a monogamous structure is a valid and authentic choice, as long as you are clear with yourself that this is what you want.”

And ultimately, if these preferences don’t align, it may be a case of understanding that it’s best to break things off. “While you are being true to yourself and honest with your partner, be prepared that it may be the case that both of you need different things from a relationship and will need to part ways. And that is okay too.”

Q. I’m new to all this and don’t know a lot about navigating the non-monogamous dating world. Are there any red flags I need to be aware of in potential partners?

To begin, it’s good to have in mind that there’s no one “right” way to do ethical non-monogamy. “There are numerous ways of practising ENM, which can include a don’t-ask-don’t-tell relationship. However, it is essential that everyone has consented to the structure and boundaries of the relationship,” Kirova explains. “Like with monogamous relationships, ENM people can be unfaithful if they break the agreed relationship structure and disrespect their partners.”

There’s also a lot of lessons from the wider dating world that can apply to polyamorous situations. “The red flags are likely to be similar to people in monogamous relationships,” Kirova says. “If your partner stops communicating with you in the way that you need and is putting their desires before your needs then it is important you consider whether you are still happy in that relationship.”

And as always, open dialogue and equality are paramount within non-monogamous relationships. “If you begin to feel that your partner is making decisions for you and not discussing these openly and honestly with you to gain your consent then this undermines trust which is essential for any relationship structure including ENM,” says Kirova.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is Fear of Intimacy?

By Elizabeth Pratt

Fear of intimacy is characterized as the fear of sharing a close physical or emotional relationship with another person. People with a fear of intimacy may experience distress or anxiety at the thought of being intimate with another person. Intimacy can take many forms, including sexual intimacy, emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, experiential intimacy, and spiritual intimacy.1

Learn more about the fear of intimacy, its characteristics, causes, and ways to cope.

Defining Fear of Intimacy

The word “intimacy” comes from the Latin word “intimus” which means “innermost.” It refers to the idea of sharing the innermost or most genuine parts of ourselves with others and relates to building closeness and connection in relationships.1

Fear of intimacy involves having anxiety about or being afraid of sharing a close connection with another person. People with this fear usually don’t want to avoid intimacy entirely, and may even desire closeness, but they may frequently push others away or sabotage their relationship due to their fear.

Those with a fear of intimacy may experience fear around all kinds of intimacy, including emotional, spiritual, and sexual. Some define types of intimacy as including the following:

Emotional intimacy

Being emotionally intimate with another person may involve sharing your deeply held thoughts, fear, dreams, or emotions. Sharing an emotional intimacy means being comfortable to speak openly about sensitive matters with another person. This helps both parties feel safe.2

Experiential intimacy

Those who share experiential intimacy bond over shared experiences and moments. This may take the form of inside jokes or sharing memories with each other. Sharing experiences together can create a sense of closeness and connection.2

Intellectual intimacy

Sharing an intellectual intimacy with another person may involve sharing views on a particular topic and knowing this will be valued. It does not mean agreeing with the other person or feeling pressured to change one’s own viewpoint.

By feeling comfortable sharing thoughts and ideas freely, intellectually intimate people often have thought-provoking conversations that may challenge a person’s views but without feelings of being attacked or judged.2

Spiritual intimacy

Sharing an intimacy with a spiritual basis may or may not involve a certain religious practice. Spiritual intimacy involves becoming close through a jointly held belief. This may involve prayer or worship between a couple.2

Sexual intimacy

Sexual intimacy involves sharing a close sensual relationship with another person. Sharing sexual expression together, either through intercourse or other sensual activities, can form a feeling of connectedness and closeness between people.

Characteristics of Fear of Intimacy

People with a fear of intimacy can usually form relationships, including romantic attachments and friendships, but when pressed to show vulnerability or share closeness in other ways, they may react with indifference, coldness, or other behaviors meant to push away others.3

Some common ways that people with a fear of intimacy may distance themselves from another person include:

  • Withholding affection, being dismissive, or reacting negatively to others showing affection
  • Avoiding physical contact
  • Avoiding sexual contact
  • Becoming paranoid or suspicious of a partner
  • Having bouts of anger or lashing out
  • Being extremely critical of a partner
  • Feeling guarded or having difficulty sharing emotions or feelings
  • Issues with trusting people 1

People with a fear of intimacy may also have a history of self-imposed social isolation or relationships that were rocky or unstable. They also may struggle with low self-esteem and fear of commitment.

What Causes Fear of Intimacy?

The causes of fear of intimacy can be complex and varied. Some researchers have suggested that everyone has a fear of intimacy to a certain extent. However, more severe fear of intimacy is generally rooted in past childhood experiences, trauma, or abuse.3

Negative Childhood Experiences

A painful or distressing experience from childhood may cause adults to develop a fear of being intimate with another person. Experiences in childhood can determine how an adult trusts other people. If a child’s trust was violated through abuse or trauma, as an adult they may struggle to trust another person enough to be intimate with them.41

Trauma or Abuse

If any relationship involves abuse or violence, intimacy can be impacted. One partner using their power inappropriately over the other partner leads to a break down in trust and lack of safety necessary to be intimate with another person. Past experiences involving physical, emotional, verbal or sexual abuse can also lead to a fear of intimacy.14

Conflicts

People in relationships who experience ongoing conflict may find it difficult to feel intimacy with their partner. Underlying issues like anger, resentment, hurt feelings, a lack of trust or feelings of being under-appreciated can lead to people avoiding intimacy.4

Communication Problems

Those who are in relationships marred by communication problems may have problems with intimacy. This can stem from not feeling well understood.4

Underlying Fears

Fear of intimacy can also develop due to other underlying causes, including:3

  • Fear of abandonment. Worry that a partner or person will leave once they really get to know you
  • Fear of exposure. Concern about a partner or friend learning information that you find embarrassing
  • Fear of attack. Worry about sharing personal information with a partner in case it will later be used against you
  • Fear of loss of control. Fear that growing closer or being intimate with someone else will cause you to lose some sense of control over your own life. 4

Diagnosing Fear of Intimacy

Clinicians use the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), the American Psychiatric Association’s official handbook, to diagnose mental health conditions, including phobias.

However, fear of intimacy is not a clinically recognized phobia, so there is not a specific diagnosis for fear of intimacy. A psychologist, therapist, or other qualified mental health professional can work with you to determine if you have a fear of intimacy, and where you fall on the spectrum. Some people experience mild traits, while others may not be able to form close relationships at all.

The Fear of Intimacy Scale is one measurement tool that can help therapists objectively assess the condition.

Coping: Navigating Fear of Intimacy in Relationships

Many people experience barriers to intimacy at times. But if a fear of intimacy is interfering with relationships or daily life, help is available.
Some ways to cope with a fear of intimacy include:

  • Speak with a relationship counselor or therapist
  • If you are in a relationship, focus on the good things and tell your partner how much you appreciate them.
  • Be open about what you are feeling, especially with your partner
  • Make an effort to create opportunities for intimacy. This may involve planning a regular time to interact together.
  • Explore new ways of building intimacy. This may involve trying new activities to build experiential intimacy, discussing ideas to build intellectual intimacy, sharing emotions you wouldn’t normally share with others to build emotional intimacy, and discussing spirituality to build spiritual intimacy.
  • Create a safe space where you and your partner or other companion feel comfortable and personal space is respected1 4

Summary

A fear of intimacy can involve a person becoming afraid, anxious, or distressed about being intimate with another person. This can happen in all kinds of intimacy including sexual intimacy, emotional intimacy, intellectual intimacy, experiential intimacy, or spiritual intimacy. Those with a fear of intimacy may have a history of unstable relationships, avoid physical or sexual contact, be isolated, and have trouble sharing how they feel. Speaking with a relationship counselor or therapist is an important step in helping to overcome a fear of intimacy.

A Word From Verywell

A fear of intimacy can be upsetting, but there is help available. If you are in a relationship but have a fear of intimacy, consider telling your partner how you are feeling and be open about your fears

A relationship counselor, psychologist, or therapist can help you develop strategies to cope with a fear of intimacy, regardless of whether or not you are in a relationship right now.

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How to End a Relationship Without Being a Total Jerk

Breaking up is rarely easy, but it may not have to be so brutal.


by Kasandra Brabaw

If you’ve landed on this page, there’s a good chance you’re thinking about breaking up with someone. Unfortunately, we’re not exactly taught how to end a relationship, let alone how to end a relationship tactfully. So if you’re feeling a bit lost without a roadmap, know that you aren’t alone. The reality is that not every relationship ends with a blow-out fight, a cheating scandal, or a glaring sign that this pairing has run its course. Instead, sometimes relationships fizzle out in more subtle or one-sided ways, which can make ending things a lot more confusing. How can you do what’s best for you if it means most likely hurting someone that you probably still care for in some way?

SELF tapped a few relationship experts to get their advice on navigating this difficult but necessary part of dating. (Worth noting: If you’re trying to end an abusive relationship specifically, it’s good to seek out tips on how to break up with an abusive partner safely. While some of the tips below may still be helpful for some aspects of that situation, resources such as The National Domestic Violence Hotline can provide support tailored to your experience.)

How to know if it’s time to break up

The first step in ending a relationship as respectfully as possible is making sure that this is truly what you want. That may sound obvious, but it’s not always so clear.

“People usually do not feel 100% confident about ending a relationship,” Casey Tanner, M.A., LCPC, AASECT-certified sex therapist and founder of The Expansive Group, tells SELF. “More often, people have parts of themselves that want to leave and other parts that want to stay.”

If you find yourself in a similar situation, it can be really hard to know where to go from here. To avoid an impulsive breakup, Tanner recommends thinking about how consistent and persistent your desire to end the relationship has been. If it’s only been a week or two, leave room for the possibility that you’re just going through a rough patch and may be able to get back on track with your partner if that’s actually what will make you happiest in the long run.

Tanner also recommends reflecting on what would need to change in order for this relationship to move forward, and whether you have given it a fair chance to evolve. For instance, have you addressed your concerns with your partner? Has your partner shown that they can adapt in previous conversations about your relationship? If the reason you’re considering leaving isn’t an immediate dealbreaker (like learning that your partner will never want kids when you do or falling out of romantic love) it might be worth it to put in some work before deciding to call it quits. 

Shadeen Francis, LMFT, a couples therapist who specializes in emotional intelligence, likens a good breakup to a smooth plane landing. “A pilot lets you know you’re approaching a landing significantly before they start bringing down the plane,” she tells SELF. Similarly, it shouldn’t come as a complete surprise to your partner that you’re ending things. Whenever possible, it’s helpful to communicate what’s not working for you before you make the decision to end things. Not only will this help you to avoid blindsiding your partner, but it will also give you the time and space to make sure this is the right decision for you.

One major exception to all of this is if you just know, deep in your gut, that you won’t be happy in this relationship even if you, your partner, or your circumstance changes in certain ways. It’s perfectly valid to leave a relationship if that’s what’s best for you even without major or immediate dealbreakers, and even if you haven’t given the relationship time to change. But it’s often still possible to figure out how to end a relationship in a way you can be proud of under those circumstances.

Finding the “best” time to end things

While there may never be a great time to break up with someone, there are certainly plenty of bad times. Like someone’s birthday. Or right before they head into work for a big presentation. Basically, you want to be mindful of what else is going on in your partner’s life and not add to an already stressful time (if at all possible), notes Megan Fleming, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and sex and marriage therapist. “If your partner is an accountant and it’s the middle of tax season—not a good time,” Dr. Fleming says. Similarly, you probably wouldn’t want to end a relationship when someone is grieving someone who recently died, they just lost their job, or something else stressful or tragic is going on in their life.

Of course, it’s not always possible to find a “good” time, and it’s not a good idea to compromise your own needs by staying in a relationship you don’t want to be in for the sake of your partner, says Shanet Dennis, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist in New York. She offers a few tips for handling a breakup delicately even if you can’t avoid bad timing. First, think about the environment: Pick a private time and place so that you can avoid an audience. Then, acknowledge that you know it’s not a great time. You can say something like, “I know you’re under a lot of stress right now, but I can’t put off this conversation.”

It’s also important to make sure you feel ready to have the conversation. Take some time to write down your thoughts, get organized, and maybe even practice the conversation a few times. “You could play it through with a friend or do it in the mirror, but just get comfortable with the words, because it’s likely to be an emotional conversation,” Dr. Fleming says. 

How to have the breakup conversation

A respectful breakup will be a two-way conversation, so be prepared for this to take a while. “It’s creating space for both of you to really say goodbye,” Dr. Fleming says.

In a perfect world, you’d be coming into your side of the conversation without a ton of regret. This goes back to making sure you’ve done what you can, within reason, to make the relationship work while still being true to your own needs, which may have included previous hard conversations about your relationship or couples therapy. While it can sometimes feel like that was for nothing if you’re ultimately ending the relationship anyway, all that work goes a long way in helping you to have a productive, respectful conversation about why you can’t move forward in the relationship.

Before starting the conversation, consider exactly why you feel the relationship should end, but be careful not to put all of the blame on your partner. “If you understand your reasoning for not wanting to be in a relationship or in that particular relationship, be really clear on it because that’s what eliminates some of the pain,” Dennis says. She recommends focusing on yourself when explaining why. So instead of saying, “You never have enough time for me,” put the focus on your feelings and say, “I’ve realized this relationship isn’t fulfilling all of my needs.” While you can’t avoid all hurt feelings, putting the focus on what you’re missing from the relationship keeps the blame game to a minimum. “It just lands a little differently,” Dennis says. “You’re saying the same thing, but from the ‘I’ perspective it doesn’t feel like an attack.”

It’s important to give your partner the space they need to talk through their feelings too. Understand that each of you is coming to the conversation with different perspectives and different needs. Validation is important in a breakup conversation, though it’s key to remember that validation does not equal agreement, Dr. Fleming says. For instance, you can say “I hear you” or “I understand why you’re hurting,” without implying that you necessarily agree with their viewpoints. “The important piece about this is reflective listening,” Dr. Fleming says. You’re validating your partner’s feelings (within reason), empathizing, and giving them the space to be heard.

As much as you want to empathize and be respectful about your partner’s perspective, Dennis cautions against focusing too much on putting yourself in their shoes. “Breakups can be unpredictable and the initiator is taking a big step towards choosing self,” she says. Your intention in ending the relationship should be avoiding intentional harm, not trying too hard to understand your partner’s perspective.

Beyond creating space for a respectful conversation, Tanner recommends avoiding giving false hope that you can get back together in the future. “If you’re sure about your decision to break up with this person, stay strong in that decision and don’t communicate about the possibility of the relationship reopening,” says Tanner.

Making the post-breakup period less awful

Once the conversation is over, try to respect the level of privacy your partner wants, within reason. If they’d like to wait a few days or weeks before telling friends and family that your relationship is over, try to honor that request. Similarly, it’s a good idea to follow their lead when it comes to post-breakup contact. If they want a clear and immediate break on all fronts, try to respect that. On the other hand, if they want to continue to communicate in a way that you don’t feel comfortable with, be clear about that.

Of course, any relationship that has lasted more than a few weeks will have logistics to deal with in a breakup. Do you keep following each other on social media? Do you go to mutual friends’ parties and birthdays? If you live together, who moves out and who keeps what? If you have pets, do you share custody now, or does one person take the pets? Unfortunately, there’s no easy guide for how to end a relationship. These questions either have to be part of the first breakup conversation, or you’ll have to schedule a second conversation to figure out what happens now. Dennis recommends thinking through your own logistics plan before the breakup conversation even happens. “You don’t want your next move to be dependent on your ex,” she says. That might include finding a place to stay if you live together and making a list of everything you brought to your shared living space or have left at your partner’s place.

If you do decide to have a follow-up conversation about logistics, you’ll again want to be as respectful as possible while knowing that emotions may still understandably be high. When having these conversations “pay attention to your emotional thermometer,” Dr. Fleming says. If things are getting a little too intense, you may want to suggest taking a break and coming back to this at another time, or even managing some of the logistics over email or text. In addition to being a bit less emotional, this has the advantage of putting your agreement in writing, Dennis says. In case anything goes south, it can be helpful to have a written record.

After the details get squared away, there’s really no template for how you and your ex-partner move on from here. In a respectful breakup, the most important thing is to discuss and honor each other’s boundaries. “Use common sense and trust your gut when it tells you what kind of communication feels values aligned, and which communication is preventing necessary healing,” Tanner says.

In the end, it might be impossible to break up with your partner without hurting them. But if you come to the conversation honestly and respectfully, you’ll go a long way toward making this process a bit easier for everyone involved.

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Death during sex isn’t just something that happens to middle-aged men, new study finds

By

Sex has many beneficial physical and psychological effects, including reducing high blood pressure, improving the immune system and aiding better sleep. The physical act of sex and orgasm releases the hormone oxytocin, the so-called love hormone, which is important in building trust and bonding between people. But there’s a dark side: people sometimes die during or shortly after sex. The incidence is, thankfully, extremely low and accounts for 0.6% of all cases of sudden death.

There are many reasons why this happens to people. In most cases, it is caused by the physical strain of the sexual activity, or prescription drugs (drugs to treat erectile dysfunction, for example), or illegal drugs, such as cocaine – or both.

The risk of any sudden cardiac death is higher as people age. A forensic postmortem study from Germany of 32,000 sudden deaths over a 33-year period found that 0.2% of cases occurred during sexual activity. Sudden death occurred mostly in men (average age 59 years) and the most frequent cause was a heart attack, also known as myocardial infarction. Studies of sudden cardiac death and sexual activity from the US, France and South Korea show similar findings.

Person snorting cocaine.
Cocaine can increase the risk of sudden cardiac death during sex.

Not just the middle-aged men

Recently, however, researchers at St George’s, University of London, found that this phenomenon is not just limited to middle-aged men. The study, which is published in JAMA Cardiology, investigated sudden cardiac death in 6,847 cases referred to the centre for cardiac pathology at St George’s between January 1994 and August 2020. Of these, 17 (0.2%) occurred either during or within one hour of sexual activity. The average (mean) age of death was 38 years, and 35% of the cases occurred in women, which is higher than in previous studies.

These deaths were typically not caused by heart attacks, as seen in older men. In half of the cases (53%), the heart was found to be structurally normal and a sudden abnormal heart rhythm called sudden arrhythmic death syndrome or Sads was the cause of death. Aortic dissection was the second largest cause (12%). This is where the layers in the wall of the large artery from the heart supplying blood around the body tear and blood flows between the layers causing it to bulge and burst.

The remaining cases were due to structural anomalies such as cardiomyopathy (a disease of the heart muscle that makes it harder for the heart to pump blood to the rest of your body), or from a rare group of genetic conditions known as channelopathies. This is where the ion channels that let sodium and potassium in and out of the cells in the heart muscle don’t work properly. The change to the sodium and potassium in the cells can alter the electrical current through the heart muscle and change the way it beats. An altered heart rhythm can cause a lack of oxygen (myocardial ischemia) and can lead to a sudden cardiac arrest where the heart stops beating.

This new study suggests that sudden cardiac death in people under the age of 50 is mainly due to sudden arrhythmic death syndrome or cardiomyopathies. Younger adults who have been diagnosed with these conditions should seek advice from their cardiologist on the risk associated with sexual activity. However, the low incidence of death in these studies suggests the risk is very low – even in people with existing heart conditions.

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7 Steamy Items To Add To Your Sex Bucket List

Your brain is your best sexual partner.

By Molly Longman, Kasandra Brabaw

If you have sexual fantasies you’ve never acted on, don’t worry — you’re definitely not alone. Even the sexually adventurous among us can’t possibly have made it through every possible sexual scenario. There are countless sex positions, locations, kinks, and couplings to explore. So, if you’re looking to get a bit more experienced, then it’s time to sit down and write your sex bucket list.

Just like a regular bucket list — which is a check list of experiences you want to have before you die — a sex bucket list forces you to think about what you really want to do in the bedroom. It’s almost guaranteed to make your sex life a little more exciting. Making a list is just the beginning, though. The real fun comes in checking each item off.

Ahead, we’ve rounded up some steamy sexual fantasies to inspire your own sex bucket list — and how to actually make them a reality.

Sex At The Office

Despite all of the NSFW warnings that make it clear our minds shouldn’t be on sex at the office, plenty of people fantasise about tossing the papers off of their desk and getting dirty. Sometimes these daydreams involve a partner popping by for a surprise visit and sometimes they involve a coworker. Either way, it can’t hurt to try at least once — just make sure you’re doing it on your own desk, and not invading a random coworker’s space, in a totally empty office.

How to make it happen: Be super clear about lines of consent if you’re going to try this one with a coworker. Being aware of how positions of power can affect consent is always important, but office romances (or hookups) are top of mind in this #MeToo era.

Role-play

Whether it’s fantasising about having a one night stand with a stranger you meet in a bar, or a doctor’s visit taking a turn for the erotic, role-play is the answer. Especially if you’re in a committed, monogamous relationship, role-play allows you to explore all of your sexual fantasies while staying faithful.

How to make it happen: Float the idea to your partner ahead of time, and ask them to share their fantasy, too.

Having “Anywhere But The Bed” Sex

Sex in your bed is great, of course, but every once in a while it’s fun to switch up the location. Have sex on the kitchen table, against your front door, in the backyard, in your pool, in the car, or anywhere else your imagination takes you.

How to make it happen: The instructions on this one are pretty simple — just do it. But remember, if you have roommates and aren’t into letting them watch, makes sure to plan your “anywhere but the bed” sex for a time when you know they won’t be coming home.

Adding A Third

If you’ve always dreamed about having sex that involves three or more people, you’re not alone. All kinds of people, both queer and straight, have fantasised about having a threesome.

How to make it happen: As magical as threesomes sound, they don’t actually happen by magic. It takes a lot of communication, with your partner if you’re adding a third, with the couple if you’re joining in, or with two people who’ve never slept with each other before. You’ll need to talk about your expectations and boundaries, and make sure everyone involved is excited for what’s about to happen. Still not sure how to make it work? Read these handy tips from people who’ve actually had threesomes — and love them.

Having Sex In A Public Place

Whether it’s in the bathroom at your favourite bar, in a department store dressing room, or behind the bushes on a deserted street, the could-get-caught risk makes public sex way more exciting than your usual romp at home. With that said, it’s not cool to involve non-consenting strangers in your trysts, especially if you’re somewhere they could see you, hear you, or even have to clean up after you.

How to make it happen: Involving other people who did not consent in your kink is not cool. So no, even if sex in a dressing room or some place with a high risk of getting caught seems fun, it’s not okay. Instead, aim for spots that feel public, but don’t put other people at risk, such as in your car in a deserted parking lot, or in a sex club.

Having Sex While Someone Watches

Exhibitionism isn’t for everyone, but some people love the idea of getting it on with a partner while a third person watches (and maybe even masturbates because they find the action so sexy).

How to make it happen: If you live in a city that hosts sex parties, then it’s almost guaranteed that someone will watch. If you can’t attend a sex party, find an adventurous friend who’s willing to join in or put a call out on dating apps. It might take some time to find the right person, but it’ll be worth the wait.

Channeling Your Inner Anastasia Steele

If you’ve heard of 50 Shades Of Grey, then you have at least some idea of what it means to be submissive (though keep in mind that both the books and movies get a lot wrong about kink). Being a submissive essentially means that the dominant partner has control — with your consent, of course. That can mean the dom ties you up, spanks you, denies you an orgasm, tells you what to say, or any number of other sexual acts.

How to make it happen: If you have a partner, start with a conversation. Telling anyone about your kink can be nerve-wracking, for sure, but open communication with sexual partners is the only surefire way to make sure you’re getting what you want in bed. Consider making a yes/no/maybe list so that both you and your partner are able to talk about what you’re willing (and not willing) to do.

If you don’t have a partner, many sex parties have BDSM sections for people who either want to dominate or be dominated. If the idea of a sex dungeon freaks you out, attend a class or information session for a reputable sex party or kink group in your area.

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A No-Bullshit Guide To Getting Into Tantric Sex

“The idea that tantric sex is all about delayed orgasms is misguided. It would mean that delaying your orgasm is a challenge that you must win.”

by Arman Khan

Prem Vismay first encountered the world of tantric sex at a trance party he’d attended nearly a decade ago in the Indian capital of mystics, Rishikesh. “Somebody I met there told me about Ma Ananda Sarita’s book Divine Sexuality: The Joy of Tantra,” the 45-year-old teacher of tantra told VICE. “That was a turning point for me.”

At the time, Vismay was spending endless nights frustrated with his condition of premature ejaculation. “It would leave me depressed. But after practising tantra, I was able to overcome it all and truly enjoy my sex life. After all, tantric sex doesn’t mean wild orgies and polyamory even though it doesn’t constrain you from these things either. On a basic level, though, it is trusting in yourself to find your own way.”

For many in the West, the word “tantra” conjures up images of Sting engaging in seven-hour marathon sex, but the practice has roots in both Buddhism and Hinduism going back thousands of years, and it contains many facets. According to the Oxford Research Encyclopedia of Religion, tantra is an umbrella term that refers to a range of esoteric, spiritual and sexual schools of thought that “span several religious traditions and cultural worlds.” It seeks to address everything, from our understanding of liberation to pleasure, hedonism and death. Tantric sex, for its part, forms a crucial part of the larger tantra canon.

According to Mohini Srishati, a 40-year-old teacher of tantra, tantric sex must be understood beyond the clichés it is currently chained to in popular imagination. “It is truly magical and exotic,” she told VICE. “Tantric sex is meditative sex, which includes practices such as using breathwork, your own creativity in bed, unlearning your sexual and religious conditioning patterns as a child, and respecting your sexual energy as a means to connect with the divine.”

From practising mindfulness, having open communication with your partner to becoming aware of one’s senses, the idea of bringing a meditative, slowed-down quality to sex is one of the central tenets of tantric sex.

Around the Indian subcontinent, the history of tantric sex dates back to many millennia – referenced across ancient Buddhist and Hindu texts. In The Origins of Yoga and Tantra: Indic Religions to the Thirteenth Century, British Indologist Geoffrey Samuel refers to tantric sex as “sexual yoga” that was widespread around the third and fifth centuries, and finds mention in Hindu philosophical texts such as the Upanishads. In Introduction to Tantra: The Transformation of Desire, Tibetan lama Thubten Yeshe posits that the idea of “tantric sex as a means to give proper shape to your desire” was influenced by the evolution of similar ideals in Tibetan Buddhism in the early second century.

Looking to bring this ancient practice into your bedroom? Here’s a handy guide to getting there.

Beware of quacks

As with all things seemingly “exotic”, tantric sex is also advertised by teachers who just want to exploit and make a quick buck at your expense. Pallavi Barnwal, a 39-year-old intimacy coach based in New Delhi, shares how her first experience with tantric sex was borderline abusive.

“He is a very popular guru in this field,” she told VICE. “In the first online session, which was supposed to be audio-only, he wanted to teach me the importance of self-pleasure through a special kind of masturbation called the yoni massage. Barely minutes into the session, he told me to switch on my camera under the pretext of wanting to see how my energy was moving.”

According to Barnwal, in a country like India where conversations on sex are still widely stifled, any opportunity to liberate yourself through such practices may make you vulnerable to such quacks. “A real guru will never ask you to strip down and offer yourself to him. You don’t have to sleep with anyone or reveal yourself to any guru to understand tantric sex.”

Be creative and slow

According to Srishati, who has been practising tantric sex for a decade, the idea that you need to have an orgasm and quickly get it done is antithetical to tantra.

“That would mean you want to quickly get rid of the sexual energy,” she says. “In tantric sex, there is no agenda of compulsorily penetrating or ejaculating. You can experience orgasm by simply looking into each other’s eyes without actually ejaculating. The idea is to ride the peaks and waves of different kinds of orgasms – not just genital release.”

She also adds that the idea that tantric sex is “only about delayed orgasms” is misguided. “It would mean that delaying your orgasm is a challenge that you must win. Your body would become very stiff in such a scenario.”

Vismay said it is also important to treat the space where you are being intimate as a “divine site of energy and healing,” and build a setting using candles, flowers and light ambient music to spruce it up. “Avoid white and flashing lights, mobile chargers, a beeping timer or a clock because tantra asks you to bring your awareness to sex and minimise any time or space distractions.”

Choose your energy wisely

“Tantric sex is all about regulating your energy and being in tune with your own needs and desires,” Alessandro Di Benedetto, a 29-year-old teacher of yoga and tantra told VICE. “You have to be able to connect with the other person before you have sex with them. Look into their eyes, understand where they are coming from, and hold hands.”

In cases where you meet someone but the vibe seems completely off in the first meeting, Di Benedetto suggests moving on and not wasting one’s time. “If the person is genuinely ready to grow and evolve with you and you want the same, then maybe you can rethink the equation.”

Experiment with breath and sound

Considering that tantric sex revolves around regulating one’s energy, Srishati suggested playing with sound and breath to maximise one’s pleasure.

“There are various techniques to go around this,” she says. “You must let yourself experience everything in the moment – be it crying, moaning or different positions. And experiment with breath, movement and sound.”

Breath in tantric sex, according to Srishati, is an important tool to shape your energies. “For the woman, you must visualise breathing in from your sex chakra and breathing out from your heart chakra, and vice versa for the man,” she said. “The idea is to let every bit of the sexual energy flow through you. This helps in aiding a full-body orgasm because every pore of your body is making love.”

In tantric sex manifestos, the sex or the sacral chakra is located below the navel while the heart chakra is, well, located at the heart. Visualising your breath flowing in and out of these chakras is said to help in a fuller, more realised experience.

Unlearn childhood conditioning

Anand Kumar, a 28-year-old business analyst who has been practising tantric sex for the last couple of years, had to work with his guru to unlearn his childhood biases related to shame and self-esteem.

“I always saw my body as a political space that had too many conditions tethered to it,” he said. “I was disgusted by my own body hair for the longest time because I was shamed for it by my own siblings. Tantric sex made me fall in love with my own image.”

According to Srishati, such conditioning begins early on. “You see parents shaming little children even when they touch their own genitals. This is the reason why so many people then grow up feeling guilty and ashamed immediately after they masturbate or indulge in [any other act of] self-pleasure.”

A major element of tantric sex, according to Srishati, is thus not just the act itself but also radically unlearning these biases that act as “mental barriers” to truly enjoying the act.

Experiment with movement

Barnwal prefers the yab-yum position of tantric sex where the woman sits on the lap of her partner like a lotus, wrapping her legs firmly around the man. That’s the traditional depiction of the position, though it can be done between any gender.

“Your chakras are perfectly aligned in this position with your partner,” she said. “You are physically touching each other’s forehead, heart, and genitals. The intimate connection becomes evenly spread across the body.”

Vismay added that tantric sex does not involve any special “acrobatic sex positions,” and that it all boils down to taking your time to be rooted in the body and not being stuck in your thoughts.

“I heard (controversial mystic and cult leader) Osho say in one of his discourses that the bodies will find their way to the most comfortable positions. The idea is to bring a sense of peace and prayer to lovemaking and not approach it as a mechanical act that must tick all the boxes.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How your brain changes when you fall in love

And 4 health benefits

Falling in love sometimes comes with an increased heart rate and feelings of craving your significant other.

By Ashley Laderer

  • Falling in love causes a rush of dopamine and norepinephrine, which make you feel giddy and happy.
  • In a long-term relationship, your brain releases oxytocin and vasopressin, which drive pair-bonding.
  • Love can have health benefits like boosting immunity, dulling pain, and helping you live longer.

When you first fall in love with someone, life feels a little different. You may feel overwhelming euphoria when you’re with the person you love — and you may crave them desperately when they’re not around.

These feelings happen because your brain is behaving differently. Falling in love sparks a rush of good-feeling chemicals that make you feel like you’re on top of the world. As time goes on, these feelings evolve. Butterflies and euphoria may fade away, while the urge to bond and stay together may grow — but why is that?

Here’s how love affects your brain — both in the beginning and long term.

The honeymoon stage

The honeymoon stage typically refers to the first few months of a relationship, but how long it lasts will vary for every couple. During this stage, your brain releases a flood of dopamine and norepinephrine — two neurotransmitters responsible for that giddy, euphoric feeling you get.

  • Dopamine is involved in your brain’s reward system — and the “reward” it makes you crave is the company of the person you love. This explains why you can’t stop thinking about your lover and can’t wait to see them again. The behavior is similar to an addiction. In fact, the same regions in the brain light up when you’re attracted to someone as when a drug addict takes cocaine.
  • Norepinephrine increases your heart rate, keeps you up at night thinking about the person you love, and makes you preoccupied with your partner.

Falling in love can also lower serotonin levels. Lowered serotonin levels are common in people with obsessive-compulsive disorders. This may contribute to why you may feel almost obsessed with your partner — and why you can’t stop thinking about them no matter how hard you try.

Long-term love

When you’re with someone you love for a long time, your brain chemistry tends to change. Instead of dopamine and norepinephrine, your brain releases the neurotransmitters oxytocin and vasopressin.

This is when you may feel the rush of euphoria from the honeymoon stage transform into a calmer state of attachment and companionship, says Sandra Langeslag, PhD, associate professor of behavioral neuroscience at  University of Missouri, St. Louis who specializes in the neurocognition of romantic love.

Oxytocin and vasopressin both drive attachment and pair-bonding, which makes you feel attached to the person you love. These chemicals also contribute to your desire to protect and care for your partner, says Langeslag.

In fact, oxytocin is nicknamed the “cuddle hormone” and it is released during skin-to-skin contact activities like:

  • Breastfeeding
  • Sex
  • Childbirth

The benefits of love

Aside from the fact that love simply feels great, there are some scientifically-proven benefits of it, such as:

1. Love may make you live longer

A 2015 meta-analysis involving 72,000 adults found that those who reported high marital quality (meaning high relationship satisfaction and positive feelings towards their partner) were linked to overall better health and lower risk of mortality.

Additionally, a 2020 study of over 164,000 senior citizens found that those who were married had slightly longer life expectancies than those who weren’t.

2. Love may boost your immune system

A 2019 study found that falling in love can have a positive effect on your immune system. In the two-year-long study, participants who fell in love experienced increased activity of certain immunity genes, whereas participants who didn’t fall in love during the study did not.

This means that participants in love may have a stronger defense against infection, however, more research is needed to understand how many sick days falling in love may save you per year.

3. Love may make you feel less pain

A small 2010 study found that people in the early stages of a romantic relationship may experience pain management benefits, which may be due to the fact that activation of the brain’s reward-processing regions can reduce pain. In the study, participants were exposed to moderate to high thermal pain.

Those who were in a new romantic relationship and looked at photos of their partner experienced greater pain relief than those who looked at photos of a familiar acquaintance or participated in a distraction task.

While this study did take place in a controlled setting, it suggests that love can serve as at least a mild analgesic when pain inevitably crops up in life.

4. Love may be good for your heart

A 2013 study found that married people ages 35 to 64 were less likely to have a heart attack than those in the same age bracket who weren’t married. Additionally, a 2019 study found that having a romantic partner present, or even just thinking about a romantic partner, can lower blood pressure when exposed to a stressor.

Insider’s takeaway

Love may feel like it’s all in your heart, but in reality, it comes down to changes happening in your brain. As your relationship evolves, your brain activity will change accordingly.

So, we can thank our brain and neurotransmitters such as dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin for the amazing feelings that we get when we’re in love and in a bonded relationship with someone –– and of course, all the benefits that come along with that.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Exactly Defines ‘Active Consent’ in Sexual Activity?

by

Warning: This article contains discussions of sexual assault.

Healthy relationships start with feeling respected and safe which is why it is so important to understand how to go about seeking ‘active’ consent if you are about to engage in any kind of sexual activity. It is never okay for someone to do something to you without an enthusiastic and explicit ‘yes’.

If your decision-making powers are taken away and you are sexually assaulted it is important to know who to turn to and what to do next. Equally important is knowing that there is help out there to support survivors and their loved ones through these difficult times.

At ReachOut (where I work as CEO), we define sexual assault as any kind of sexual activity where you are forced, coerced or tricked into doing when you didn’t want to. It can be carried out by a romantic partner, by someone you know or by a total stranger and includes unwanted sexual behaviours such as forced, unwanted sex, sexual acts or touching, child sexual abuse or indecent assault.

It is a form of trauma that can show up in different ways including shock and denial, fear, silence, anxiety, depression or low self-esteem. If you think you may have been sexually assaulted, you might feel scared, overwhelmed and unsure where or who to turn to. There’s also a chance you might blame yourself for not recognising sooner that what happened to you was sexual assault. The most important thing to remember
is that if you have been sexually assaulted it is never your fault.

There are lots of support services available to support you through these difficult times, as well as a number of immediate steps you can take to help you feel physically and psychologically safe.

If you’ve been sexually assaulted recently, the first step you may want to take in order to feel safe is to call 000 to ask for the police or for an ambulance if you are injured. It can also be a good idea to talk to a trusted friend, family member or colleague or think about calling a confidential 24-hour helpline such as 1800 RESPECT.

Most towns have a free sexual assault clinic or service with trained professionals, like doctors, nurses or counsellors, who can help you with what to do next. They can guide you through your options and answer any questions about things like emergency contraception, rape kits, and sexual health checks, as well as provide emotional support. If there isn’t a sexual assault clinic available to you, you can also go speak to your GP or visit the hospital, and ask for somebody with experience in sexual assault.

If you feel like you might want to take action against your perpetrator it’s a great idea to talk to one of the options above about it and get support when you are ready. Most importantly, there is no ‘right’ way to respond to sexual assault and every survivor’s recovery from sexual assault will look different because there is no set timeline for coming to terms with sexual assault and no set schedule for healing.

This is why it’s so important that, even if you seek help or guidance from other people, you choose what happens next.

2021 Australian of the Year and sexual assault survivor Grace Tame believes that having support around you is so important, as is practicing forms of ‘self-care’ so that you can make sure you’re on a healthy path towards recovery.

“You need to make sure that you have support around you and that you have enough time to take care of yourself properly, and get back in touch with simple meaningful values, family time, downtime, nature, eating well, exercising and sleeping. You really want to get back to your true self,” Tame said.

Additionally, when engaging in sexual activities and seeking consent, it’s so important that you feel respected and safe. ‘Active consent’ means that you and your partner/s give each other an explicit ‘yes’ to the sexual activity you are about to be involved in.

Regardless of what you’re wearing, drinking or if you are flirting with another person, it’s never okay for someone to do something to you without your resounding consent. If the sexual activity is done without your consent, it is considered sexual assault or rape.

These guidelines can help with seeking ‘active’ consent if you are about to engage in any kind of sexual activity:

● Sexual consent must be explicit. There’s only one way to know if someone has given their explicit consent: if they clearly let you know they agree.

● You can always change your mind. You or your sexual partner can decide at any time that you don’t want to keep going. If this happens, both people should stop or it can be deemed sexual assault or rape.

● It’s good to check in with each other. Take notice of your sexual partner’s body language and if they seem tense or uncomfortable, pause and ask them how they’re feeling or tell them how you might be feeling too.

● It’s fine to slow things down or stop. There’s really no reason or rush to have sex or do
anything sexual if you’re not feeling it. It’s important that your partner always respects your feelings.

● Drink and drugs affect consent. If you’re intoxicated, your capacity to make decisions can be affected and your decision might be influenced by drugs and alcohol. This means that if you’re sexual in any way with someone who’s drunk or high and doesn’t know what’s going on and therefore can’t give informed consent, it’s equivalent to sexually assaulting or raping them.

Feeling respected and safe across all aspects of your life is so important to your mental health and wellbeing.

You might like to connect with other people who have gone through similar experiences to you in ReachOut’s Online Community. It is a safe space for young people that is anonymous and available 24/7. You can also check out ReachOut.com for more information and resources.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Beginner’s Guide To Swinging

& How Couples Can Get Started

By Kesiena Boom, M.S.

Have you ever been curious about what swinging is and if it might be something that could work for you? Whether you’re interested in trying swinging for yourself or just want to understand more about this form of nonmonogamy, here’s everything you need to know.

What is swinging?

“Swinging is a social practice involving sexual contact between consenting adults, which can involve swapping sexual partners or engaging in group sexual activities—but often is done in the context of a coupled relationship,” explains Lori Lawrenz, PsyD, a clinical psychologist with the Hawaii Center for Sexual and Relationship Health.

Swingers engage in sexual activities outside of their main relationship as a shared bonding experience with their partner. This means that most extra-relational sex that swingers engage in happens where their partner can see and/or join in with it.

Many swingers refer to themselves as being in “the lifestyle,” which essentially means that swinging (and often other behaviors such as kink and BDSM) are an integral part of their sexual identity and inform the way that they organize their lives.

Myths about swinging.

Importantly, swinging is not cheating or an affair, despite what people often might think. Swinging is based on a foundation of consensual nonmonogamy, which means that everyone involved has full knowledge of, and approves of, the sex that occurs outside of the main pair bond.

“Most swinging is not a sexual ‘free-for-all,'” Lawrenz says. “Rather it is an orchestrated manner of like-minded sexually curious individuals engaging in activities as a means of enhancing their relationship.”

There’s a misconception that swingers are people who “are unable to commit, do not know how to create boundaries, or are in troubled relationships,” says AASECT-certified sex therapist Janet Brito, Ph.D., LCSW. Another misconception is that it can help save a dying relationship, adds sexologist Shamyra Howard, LCSW. The truth is, in fact, the opposite.

“Swinging is not prophylactic for troubled relationships. It won’t prevent cheating, and it won’t save a relationship. Swinging is only recommended for couples who feel secure in their relationships,” Howard says.

Swinging vs. open relationships.

Swinging is often confused with having an open relationship, but the two terms are not entirely synonymous.

While all swingers technically have an open relationship (i.e., the permission to have sex with people outside of the relationship), not all people in open relationships are swingers. People in non-swinging open relationships often engage in their extra-sexual relationships without their partner present and sometimes even have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy regarding hookups. In swinging, couples do a lot more sharing of the sexual experiences and sharing stories with each other about any extra experiences, because this is erotic and exciting for people who like to swing. Some swinging couples also may only be “open” to outside sexual partners in specific situations, i.e., when the couple is jointly entering into a specific swinging experience together.

Swinging is also not the same as polyamory, as polyamory involves the creation and maintenance of romantic as well as sexual bonds with multiple people. “Unlike polyamorous individuals, swingers are not actively looking for other people to form romantic relationships with,” says sex therapist Aliyah Moore, Ph.D. “Typically, swingers are only looking to have sex with others with no or limited strings attached.”

Swinging is strictly sexual, and swingers often have minimal contact with and no romantic feelings for the people that they swing with.

What binds together all three concepts, however, is that they are all forms of consensual nonmonogamy and require a great amount of trust, communication, and honesty, says Brito.

Signs you might enjoy swinging:

  • You fantasize about engaging in sex outside of your partnership.
  • You get turned on by the idea of seeing your partner have sexual contact with other people.
  • You’re generally turned on by novelty and adventure.
  • You and your partner are good at communicating and know how to work through any issues that arise.
  • You are able to separate love and sex.
  • You like to watch porn featuring group sex, wife swapping, or voyeurism.
  • You and your partner trust each other completely.
  • You and your partner sometimes dirty talk about group sex or partner swapping.
  • You’ve had group sex in the past and thought it was hot.
  • You’re generally open-minded and sexually adventurous.

Important things to know before trying it:

1. Get to know the lingo.

Swinging comes with its own vocabulary. For example, one common form of swinging is for two couples to come together and “swap” partners for sex. You can engage in a “soft swap” or a “full swap” when you swing. A soft swap refers to engaging in anything up to oral sex with a person who isn’t your partner, and a full swap refers to intercourse.

It’s also worth knowing that a “unicorn” is a single woman who is open to sex with heterosexual couples (here’s our full guide to threesomes, btw), and that “closed door” refers to being OK with your partner having sex away from your line of sight.

2. Talk about expectations with your partner.

Make sure to have a detailed talk with your partner about what you will and won’t engage in when you swing together. Will you only engage in group sex together? Or will you swap partners with another couple? What are you looking to get out of swinging? Make sure that you both have the same goals and reasons for opening up.

It’s really important that you don’t coerce your partner into going along with what you want, Brito adds. Swinging will only be enjoyable if both parties are enthusiastic and informed.

3. Think about what safer sex precautions you’ll need to take.

It’s essential that you have a conversation beforehand about what forms of protection you’ll use and what level of risk you’re OK with. Using barrier protection methods such as condoms can lower your risk of STIs and pregnancies, but no protection is 100% secure. Therefore, you should discuss what you will do in the event of an unplanned pregnancy or a positive STI test.

4. Plan a check-in.

After your first time swinging, you’re going to have a lot of emotions! Hopefully they’ll all be positive, but it’s very likely that you might feel confused, guilty, or overwhelmed along with all the excitement.

A top tip is to put aside some time for you two as a couple to reconnect and check in with each other after the experience. You can discuss how the experience was for you, what went well, what was challenging, and anything you might like to alter if you try the experience again. Enlisting the help of a sex-positive therapist who specializes in consensual nonmonogamy can also work wonders in this situation.

5. Connect to a network.

Ready to dive in? “You can start off by attending a swinger’s club and watching before interacting,” suggests Howard. Check for local clubs in your area, and be sure to read the guidelines before showing up, she says. Make sure to practice good consent practices and be mindful of other people’s boundaries.

How to bring up the idea with your partner.

Telling your partner that you’re interested in swinging might feel like a little bit of a challenge. After all, the norm of monogamy is very strong, and even people who are turned on and excited by the idea of swinging might have some complicated feelings in the beginning.

To set the best base for a successful conversation, make sure to bring it up at a time when you know your partner will be in a relaxed mood with no pressing tasks to attend to.

“Gently bring up the topic by adopting an open and curious approach. Use ‘I’ statements to show ownership of your desires,” recommends Brito. “Ask questions to learn about your partner’s values, and practice nonjudgment if your partner is not on board. If this happens, agree to table the topic, and circle back at another time.”

In short, make the conversation a true conversation, and not just a statement of what you want. Really listening to what your partner says, and responding to it from a place of love rather than defensiveness, can take you a long way.

Once you have opened up the conversation, you can suggest that the two of you research swinging together. Framing it as a mutual exploration will make your partner feel more secure.

“If you’re the partner who initiates the conversation, make sure you get a clear ‘yes’ from your partner,” Moore adds. “Both partners in the relationship need to be at the same interest level when it comes to swinging before trying it.’

The bottom line.

Swinging, like all forms of consensual nonmonogamy, can bring a wide range of satisfying and exhilarating encounters that can deepen the bond between you and your partner. As long as you and your partner are both on board and in agreement about what swinging means for you, you can look forward to many happy, sweaty nights together!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why are foot fetishes so common?

A global survey conducted by the sex toy brand Lelo further confirmed that feet are a big deal in the sack, beating out hands, hair and even breasts as the top body part

By

Sexual fetishes are nothing new, but in recent years stigma around them has lifted somewhat.

People are more open to talking about what turns them on, with communities forming on- and offline so that likeminded souls can share their kinks.

In honour of Feet Week, we have looked into podophilia, the official term for foot fetishism.

As with most sexual appetites, there is no one standard – what makes one podophile tick might not work for another.

Some people prefer to involve senses beyond touch – getting turned on by the odour of smelly or sweaty feet – others like seeing a beautiful pair of feet in high heels and some might like to be ‘tooed’ (the foot version of fingering).

Scientific research around this fetish is severely lacking, as much of it is connected to singular cases, as opposed to studies with multiple participants, which give a wider overview of why some people get frisky at the thought of feet.

But there is some insight. One study from 2007, which looked at the frequency of fetishes and involved 5,000 participants, showed that ‘feet and objects associated with feet were the most common target of preferences’.

So if you like sucking on toes or kissing your partner’s ankles, you’re not the only one.

Other findings reveal a (somewhat loose) link between foot fetishes and a person’s childhood, with studies into children who are obsessed and/or (physically) aroused by feet.

A foot fetish doesn’t necessarily have to be about the body part in itself, but rather what it represents – its position, i.e. at the bottom of a person’s body. Feet are used in dominance play, and in this scenario, the sexual arousal could be a result of the humiliation or submission associated with our trotters.

A global survey conducted by the sex toy company Lelo further confirmed that feet are a big deal in the sack, beating out hands, hair and even breasts as the top body part.

‘As far as we can tell, it’s always been common, and references to it appear in early literature and art across the world,’ says Stuart Nugent, the brand’s sex expert.

‘The third century sophist Philostratus wrote in a love letter, “O feet unfettered! O unhampered beauty! Thrice happy me and blessed, if on me ye tread!” 

‘The reason why foot fetishism is so popular (and, yet, so under-discussed) is argued energetically by any number of specialists from all clinical backgrounds. ‘

According to Stu, there are three common lines of thought to explain our obsession with feet: the psychological, neurological and biological.

He explains: ‘A psychological school of thought suggests feet become fetishised because of early childhood imprinting and conditioning, where sexual responses are paired with non-sexual objects, like feet, very early in a person’s psychosexual development.

‘A neurological theory suggests that podophilia might develop because the feet and genitals occupy adjacent areas in the brain’s somatosensory cortex, and there might be some sort of neurological wires being crossed.

‘There’s even a biological theory that the characteristic scent of feet can trigger a hormonal reaction in some people. The truth is that the cause of foot fetishism is likely to include many different elements. 

‘Whatever the reason or the cause, there seems to be one outcome that practitioners find particularly attractive: the sensation of dominance and submission that feet represent.

‘This is due to the prevalence of podophiles being straight men worshipping women’s feet: this implies a subversion of traditional sexual and cultural roles which may offer the fetishist a highly sexualised inversion of stereotypes, the subversive nature of which is translated into sexual excitement.’

However, Camilla Constance, a sex and intimacy expert, says that while podophilia is common among men for the domination aspect, this is a Westernised view.

What’s more, our trotters are an erogenous zone, which according to her, is a huge part of the appeal.

‘From a tantric or “wholistic sex” perspective, feet are an incredibly erogenous zone in the body capable of being orgasmic on their own or contributing to exquisite blended orgasms,’she says.

‘A woman-centric approach to sex would always include “foot worship” because feet are a part of her body, all of which would be worshipped.

‘It is only in the narrow, Western model of sexuality, with its emphasis on male erection and penetration, that worshipping feet is seen as odd or kinky in some way.

‘So what is a completely beautiful and honouring act becomes, in our sexually confused society, a “fetish” to hide.

‘What I find interesting in the question is the implied separation of “sexual” parts of the body from “non-sexual” parts of the body, the implication being that feet are not “normally” sexual and thus the foot “thing” must be a recent creation.

‘I would challenge the assumption that we have areas of our bodies that are not sexual.

‘Our entire bodies, including our feet, are covered in networks of nerves that pick up not only touch, but energy, from other people. Feet have a particularly dense network of nerves making them particularly sensitive and potentially orgasmic.’

So, feet could lead to amazing orgasms – that’s one reason to like our trotters.

But Lucy Beresford, a psychotherapist who hosts a weekly phone-in sex and relationships show on LBC Radio, explains that podophilia is a more openly-accepted fetish for the simple fact that we’re so used to seeing this body part.

‘Foot fetishes are one of the more mainstream/popular fetishes mainly because everyone has feet, so we are used to seeing them, unlike whips or restraints,’ she says.

‘Nor do they have the negative connotations of, say, urine. Some people like the feet to be seen in sexy footwear like stilettos or boots, which again are mainstream products, unlike something like hand-cuffs.

‘A foot fetish allows for games of domination or submission to be played out using everyday objects.’

Speaking of objects, if you’re stuck in lockdown with no access to a nice pair of feet apart from your own, you can actually buy foot-themed toys online – including silicone mannequin feet.

Last year, someone took this a step further by creating a ‘foot vagina’ – which works like a fleshlight, so you can essentially have sex with the silicone toy.

If you fancy making a quick buck, you can even sell photos of your feet to others (so long as you don’t mind them using your tootsies as inspiration during wank sessions, that is).

And hey, if the thought of playing with feet puts you off completely, that’s absolutely fine.

Just pop on a pair of socks during sex and your lover will probably get the hint.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Study finds consensual nonmonogamy a ‘healthy’ option

by Jeffrey Renaud

Consensual nonmonogamy within a relationship showed only positive outcomes on life satisfaction and relationship quality for the primary partners in a romantically involved couple—leading researchers to believe it to be healthy, viable relationship option.

“Consensual nonmonogamy relationships and those who practice them are often stigmatized,” Psychology professor Samantha Joel said. “Monogamous relationships are generally assumed to be of higher quality than non-monogamous ones, even among consensually nonmonogamous individuals.”

Not so, according to Joel and her collaborators at York University and the University of Utah.

For the first-of-its-kind study, the team recruited people interested in consensual nonmonogamy but had not yet engaged in it and observed them over a two-month period as they ‘opened up’ their relationships.

“We found no differences in or well-being before versus after people opened up,” said Joel, who serves as director of Western’s Relationships Decisions Lab. “There were also no differences found when we compared people who did versus those who did not open up their over the course of the study.”

According to the study, those who engaged in consensual nonmonogamy experienced significant increases in sexual satisfaction, particularly if they did so with the explicit goal of addressing sexual incompatibilities within their relationships.

The study, “A Prospective Investigation of the Decision to Open Up a Romantic Relationship,” was recently published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!